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Mailbag 55

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Mailbag 55 was uploaded to the CWCipedia in the early hours of 4 February 2010. Due to the closure of the CWCipedia on 8-14 February, the response to these emails was delayed even more than usual.

Chris continues to rail against Asperchu whenever it comes up, but is that really such a surprise? Chris also gets stuck on the whole muscle bra issue, and assures us that NO ONE, EVER, IN THE ENTIRE WORLD wants to ever once see a man's bare chest, and even suggests that there should be a law forcing fat men to wear bras, and regular-sized men to wear shirts at all times.

One of the most interesting letters is one that calls out Chris for being a bad Christian, particularly for his tendency to cast Satanic Curses on his enemies to which Chris actually agrees.

Answered

That's far from the only reason

From: Anna Malle <annamalle@gmail.com>

Chris, I just read your latest CWCipedia update.

A REAL MAN DOES NOT ASK OTHERS TO FIGHT HIS BATTLES FOR HIM. If you have problems with Mao, you need to arrange a meeting with him, then discuss things over and solve your differences YOURSELF, in person, non-violently.

Asking your fans to e-mail and threaten your enemy is extremely cowardly.

Drawing a comic in which you shoot your enemy is cowardly. For that matter, shooting someone who is not physically threatening you is extremely cowardly.

Women HATE cowards. Women want to feel protected and safe. If you can't even protect your website, how are you going to protect your woman?

That is why you can't get a woman. Because you are a COWARD and a LIAR.

Right now, no woman in the world would find you attractive.

I beg you to prove me wrong. Show me that you can act like a man and solve your own problems without violence, but by using your intellect. If you can do that, I will consider driving to Ruckersville and meeting you and your parents at your home and making myself available for a date.

Sincerely,

Anna

If I knew where my foes lived, I would go there myself, but I do not know where they live specifically with a Street Address. I am not a coward, and I keep my lies to a Minimum. I'll bet YOU are the cowardly one. For All I know, you are likely to be a cowardly Male pretending to be a woman and trying to tick me off. Nice try.

On the afterlife

From: Rusty Shackleford <rustymcshackleford@live.com>

Dearest Christian,

We all know that you are very religious, but I have a question to ask you. What do you think that Heaven and Hell are like? Do you think that in Heaven people wear flowing robe and fly around all day? Do you think that Hell is fiery and everyone there is being poked in the rear by Satan. I would just really love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks,

Rusty

You've just answered your own question; I am in agreement with you on what heaven and hell are like.

Porn doesn't count

From: Charles Aznavour <Sazaku@aol.com>

Dear Christian,

I've been a reader of both your Sonichu and your (arguably far superior) sister series Asperchu for a long time now. However, I can't stand your weak, naive way of handling things. You take forever to update your comics when they are SUPPOSED to be daily, when you do post comic pages they are ridiculously anti-climactic. Honestly, I'd think the fight between Mary Lee Walsh and Chris would be far more exciting and epic, considering how much you have villified her. See, things like that are why Asperchu is more popular.

On another note, I am curious to know, since your B-Day will be coming up in a couple weeks, what you plan on doing. Frankly, I'm impressed. If I were still a virgin at 30 I'd have killed myself by now. There is no worse torment for a man. Hell, its pathetic enough to still be a virgin at TWENTY! You're a real trooper to still have never seen a vagina. On you're B-Day, I hope to wish you a happy 30th!

Asperchu is NOT MINE, and I do not care to have any claim on it at all; Asperchu belongs to Alec Benson Leary. Real Life happens; I have chores around the house, errands to run and whatnot to deal with. I am going to be 28, Twenty Eight, Years Old this year. I have seen a lot of pussy in porn, for your information. And what I do on my birthday is between me, my family and my friends.

No you won't

From: wizfisher1@aol.com

Chris, you claim you have taken many art classes. You claim you understand composition, shading and perspective. You claim you draw like a retarded 7 year old to make a artistic statement, and you really are a artistic genius. Well its time to prove you are the artist you claim to be.I challenge you to create a drawing that is conventionally good, that shows you can draw as well as a professional artist if you want to. Any medium will do, except markers, as long as its good and not in your "retarded 7 year old" style. Please post your proof on your front page for everyone to see.

I will consider that.

Wait, what?

From: Robert Neville <theassburgers@hotmail.co.uk>

You're a bad Christian. Any good Christian would know that Jesus lived his life in order to teach humankind to love one another and to always turn the other cheek when somebody hurts us. No matter what that person may do to us, we - as Christians - are supposed to be able to forgive and to forget. Even when the Romans had Jesus nailed to the cross, bleeding profusely after merciless torture, he begged for God to forgive them, for they knew not what they had done!

You completely ignore this and continue to practise your Satanic rituals by placing curses upon your victims! You are an open practicioner of witchcraft, which you should know is condemned by Christianity due to its evil origins and purposes.

I implore you to be a better follower of the Christian faith. Instead of making these people suffer your wrath, one of the deadly sins, you should forgive them as Jesus would.

Remember -

"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us"

You are right.

On brassieres

From: Jay Hugebicep <brohotti@hotmail.com>

Chris, your site and your shenanigans always brighten up my day. But what's up with wearing a bra? Come on, you're a man, right? When was the last time you went to the beach? Girls like chiseled pecs and six pack abs, Chris, not buddha bellies and manboobs. One is a sign of health and strength, the other is a sign of weakness and laziness. If you want to attract potential sweethearts, you have to improve your looks.

Start with some pushups and lose the breasts. I saw that video where you tried to do 30 pushups and I was laughing so hard because you couldn't even do one properly.

Here is a video demonstrating the proper way to do a pushup.

I reccommend you start out with the modified pushup shown that the woman used, because you probably aren't strong enough to do regular ones. Try five pushups three times a day for a week, then up it by two every week after until you're fit enough to handle a regular pushup.

Guarantee you'll ditch the bra in a month.

Yes, I do wear a bra, I am a size 42. A LOT of Men in this world, fat, average or slender, have Man-Boobs. And NO ONE EVER WANTS TO SEE ANY MALE CHEST IN PUBLIC. IT IS VERY GROSS. I would motion with the President to make it Mandetory for all men with boobs to wear a bra, and for all other males to Wear A Shirt when they go out jogging, swimming or exercising where those people would have USED TO NOT wear a shirt. As with Women, SOME THINGS ARE LEFT BETTER AS A MYSTERY.

On uploading

From: Keith Keithson <allisfine1@gmail.com>

Chris, as of my writing, you have failed to upload one comic per day for the past five days.

Drawing the page does not count. You must upload it for it to count as an update.

And if you want to please Alec, you can remove the part of Episode 21 that involves Asperchu and agree to remove Simonla in a way that pleases Evan. You can use the reboot to replace her with another character altogether.

All that is being taken under great consideration. Thank you.

Draconian fun!

From: Robert Neville <theassburgers@hotmail.co.uk>

If you were some kind of 'Great Director' in real life, and had the ability to create new laws without them having to be approved by the government and its people (much like Hitler was able to do in the 1930's and early 1940's), what new laws would you create?

Let's aim for, say... 5 or 10 laws. Heck, go for more if you can think up that many. Remember - you can make absolutely any law you want.

Fair enough. 1) NO SMOKING ALLOWED AT ALL. 2) Men are required to wear a shirt and/or a sports bra at all times in public (No One EVER wants to see a dude's chest, and some things are better left a mystery). 3) ALL Women who are committed with their own boyfriend, regardless of marriage or not, will be required to wear a non-flashy BF/GF Ring at all times. That's all I have for now.

The most appropriate answer ever

From: Dr. Tran

"I have stated before that when ONE finds their Match, they KEEP Each Other; I am NOT going to separate the Couple."

One, that's not how it works in real life.

Two, they do NOT match. You yourself have stated that they are OPPOSITES. Why not use the reboot to make it so she never existed, then replace her with a Grass-type Rosechu? People who have things in common get along better than people who don't.

Also, relationships do not work that way. You don't get dreams that tell you who you're supposed to bone to create whom, you have to figure it out for yourself.

What is YOUR Dream Career?

Yeah, polls suck

From: Leeland

"I have read Moon-Pals, and I feel that it is more like Moon-Dorks the way Sean draws and Portrays their Events so Grotesquely. "

It's still funnier and better drawn than Sonichu. Also, it's fanbase is roughly eight times the size of your own, according to polls.

I pay no attention to polls.

Chris the jackass

From: John Shaft <blaxploitationx@gmail.com>

Hey Chris,

Recently when someone has called you out on being lazy or mean or a hypocrite in the mailbag, you say that if we knew you in person, we'd like you. I don't get it, so I'd like it if you'd clear some things up for me and your fans;

1. Why do you act like a jackass on the internet and then whine about how nobody really understands you? What do you expect us to think about you after all your bullshit?

2. How do you act different in real life?

3. Don't you think you should just try to be nicer online instead of waste people's time?

I'm sorry but I don't buy this "you just don't know the real me" crap. Some trolls actually have met you face-to-face, and they claim that you're pretty much the same self-absorbed, obnoxious prick you are on the internet. If you can show us the kind, loving, gentleman you claim to be, the trollings would most likely cease and your former fans would come back to you. I apologize if you take offense to any of this, but that isn't really my problem anymore.

Sincerely,

John Shaft

1) How would you feel if you were mistreated as much as I have online? And you do NOT know me in real life, so you can NOT understand me fully. 2) I am nicer, more kind and all-around humble, good gentleman. 3) Yes.

Man the harpoons!

From: Harry Partridge

Hey Chris,

Have you considered dating a really fat girl? They give it up easy as fuck, I should know. I've nailed some fatties before and I look like shit.

Love Harry

I only go up to a certain limit, like I would very rarely date a woman who weighed more than 250 lbs.

A woman who weighed anywhere near 250 lbs (114 kg) would be severely obese, unless she was well over six feet tall.

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For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 55