Tour of Chris's House

The Tour of Chris's House consists of two videos, both uploaded on 27 March 2009, in which Chris provides a tour of his house and property. Such a video had been requested by both Julie and Ivy. Like his own room, Chris's entire house is filled with junk; several rooms are so cluttered Chris cannot enter them,

Sometime in late August 2009, Chris's parents found out about the video. Hilarity (and tard rage) ensued.

Inside
"My family is a bunch of pack rats..."

- Chris utters the understatement of the century.

Transcript
[Video begins with him immediately dropping the camera, which lands pointing at an empty wall behind a stack of junk.] Oh. [''grunts and strains with effort to move things around off-screen. Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" plays in the background for a while before he finally picks the camera up''] Still recording?!

[starts tour] I’d say, well, that was the, uh...craft room. I have to fix the door. Um...here’s a bathroom. I take my shower in here often. Uh...use some...Axe and...Head & Shoulders. Bathroom sink...and a commode.

Got a card t-table there...that I, uh, would sometimes set up when I wanna...play cards in my room or something...or when I wanna do some work.

The kitchen. Well, uh, just decided to leave the tree up, w-without the, uh, star on top. Yeah, it-, it’s a bit of a mess. But at least we’ve got enough room to warm up a pizza or wash dishes. All that good stuff. The bare essentials.

And...this was...the living room. Again: before we...cluttered it up with so much mess.

And...go downstairs. Here’s the front door.

Goin’ outside. See some of it.

Here’s Kitty. [uses a baby-talk voice] Hello, Kittyyy! What ya lookin’ at? Kitty, Kitty! Hello, Kitty, Kitty! Pretty!

Mmm...go downstairs further.

This would be the music room. Again: before it got cluttered. But now, my mom sleeps in here often. Yep.

[An episode of what appears to be Dr. Phil is playing in the background; Chris sighs loudly in a tone of despair] My family is a bunch of pack rats...mmm...downstairs bathroom. Not much goin' on in here.

And then, another hallway.

The utility room. There’s a...washer and dryer...[The "Classic" red and blue striped shirt can be seen] and a hallway right outside...the door.

[speaks in whispers] This was the family room, before it got cluttered and stuff.

Hi, Pop!

[Bob says "Hello, my son!"]

What’cha up to?

[Bob replies "Goin' to pee."]

Okay. Get on outta here!

[Bob says something that’s unintelligible]

Okay!

And...nowadays, the family room’s just basically used for...my dad viewing television...uh, a little bit of comfort. And...he sleeps alone on that bed over there. [shakes camera, then stops recording abruptly]

Outside
"Got bats in our belfry."

Transcript
Alright. So, we’ve seen the inside, so… let’s take a look outside and...[uses a baby-talk voice with his cat] let the kitty come in! She wants to come in! Huh, Kitty? [Kitty comes inside as Chris heads outside] See ya later!

Yep. Some of the front yard. Uh, it’s...a bit of a cloudy day.

[groans weakly] A branch hit my ear.

This is the front of the house.

[exhales loudly] This would be my father’s, some of my father’s day lily garden. More beautiful...during the summertime, but the flowers have not yet bloomed.

Uh...my father’s...garden shed. He comes out here and listens to, uh, music on warm days. Got all that good stuff in there. Got a swing in there. A swing.

Uh, a side of the house. Got bats in our belfry.

We got more stuff around here.

There’s an arboretum.

Uh, that would be the workshop. Uh, again: or, at least it used to be a workshop before...the inside got cluttered with...more junk.

And...more flower beds look bare in the summer time.

We have a hill. It’s a hill. How would you say “a hill”? It’s a hill!

Uh… can’t see the front of the, uh, the front door...of the, uh, workshop clearly because it’s cluttered.

This is the back of the house. Gotta have a back porch. That’s cluttered, too.

That’s our, uh...gazebo.

I just tripped over a branch.

[sighs] I could see it better if we didn’t have so many trees!

This is Patty’s pen. My dog. Yeah, God rest her soul, God...bless her soul.

Down here a little bit. Yeah, we buried her right there next to the gazebo! And...there’s her doghouse! Yeah, this branch...fell down from...that tree. Uh...it’s too heavy to pick up.

That would be the, uh, back door...but, that door’s cluttered with stuff, so we can’t go in that way.

There-, there’s a tractor. And...cars.

And, uh...oh, yeah...there’s the, uh, arch where I sat down and...did that fun little picture of me and Patti sitting together.

Is that our cat? Hi, Scamper! What’chu doin’ over there?

[uses a baby-talk voice with his cats]

Yeah. There’s Lucy. Hi, Lucy.

Yeah. Hi, buddy! What’cha up to?

Hi, Lucy! Lucy, Lucy! Pretty baby!

Hi, buddy! Just wandering about, aren’t you? Yeah.

[switches back to his normal voice]

And, uh, in the distance there, that’s...our mailbox.

Just an old mailbox. It’s painted, but...it lost the paint due to weather.

Anyway, that’s our house! Hope you enjoyed, uh, a little bit of a tour. Have a good day.

And, uh, unless you’re invited, unless you’re invited, no trespassing.

Again: that’s our house.