Ivy Q&A

The Ivy Q&A was posted on 13 February 2011. It shed further light on the Ivy Saga (March — July 2009).

Chris stories
Actually, John Ritter’s Nutsack, I do have a select few!

Beginnings
During the time of CWCiki’s successful contact, I was busy in heaven getting my nails did. I’ve got a super shade color here, Blue Satin #461 by Chanel. I paid 48-H Quarters at the Church of the Miraculous Nordstrom for it…

I remember that there was a time when my entire existence filtered through this color, blue. Battery Blue… paired with Mellow Yellow- and so very much brown.

In the beginning, I used to watch the Chris videos with various friends because he reminded me of different peers from high school (my graduating class was upwards of 500 individuals. More peers always ment a higher challenged population roaming the hallways unattended).

I wanted to surprise a good friend by getting a shout out from Chris for us. When I finally achieved this he said her name [Rachel] wrong during the recording. I phoned him back and pointed out the error. Chris promised to get right to amending this mistake. No big deal, right?

Well, this pretty much set the tone for our entire relationship.

Before the Emily date occurred [19 March 2009], when I initially phoned Chris, I was subjected to a quiz by his parents. I spoke to Bob first.

"Hi! I'm such and such, from such and such. Oh, I know Chris from INSERT PLACE HERE.”

Bob responded by urging me to slow down. He said some endearing terms, though I don't remember the specifics. Politely, he informed me that he had to get his wife because “she's in charge of messages for Chris”.

He passed me to Barb. At first, it seemed like she was content to just chitchat. Out of nowhere, she interjected (while I was telling her about New England). “I'm sorry, I have to get my pad o' paper."

I'm pretty sure it was a trusty spiral-bound notebook that she used frequently, because I could hear a lot of paper being flipped about.

We begin again and she listed off the following questions:

"Your name? Middle name? Last name? Dad's name? Mom's name? What they did for a living? Divorced or married? First, second, marriage? Siblings? Any cousins nearby? Where you live? Any family in Charlottesville? Favorite color? What High school did you attended? Presently in College? Major? Was that your first choice? Did you have a "secondary major"? Any pets? Do you still live with your parents? Roommates? Your roommate's name? Roommate’s birth date? How tall are you? What do you look like?...”

Next, she asked what my culture was. I said Irish. She also asked my eye and hair colors, body type (despite already stating such when asked “how I looked”). Again, she asked for my roommate's birth date (apologies were given for being forgetful, but there was no re-mentioning of her notebook’s presence).

I had called the house phone because when I tried his cell he had a recording stating that if you want to talk to him, to call his house phone (later, he would add to “speak with parents”).

Barb’s impromptu quiz went on for a half hour. Pretty loopy situation but she was nice to me. She kept referring to me as "dear" and what-not. Though, she continued doubled check things and asked me to repeat from five or ten minutes ago up until the very end of the session. At long last, Barb passed Chris the phone.

Chris initially wouldn't talk, at all. He was super quiet, and would penetrate the silence with an occasional “yeah” and “mmyeah”. I'm not sure if his parents were in the room but I aimed to fill in the gaps. I really wanted that shout out.

The time spent talking with Chris was monumentally less than the time with Barb. I spoke to him maybe fifteen minutes tops, and the majority of it was a struggle.

Eventually, he agreed to a shout out. The video was primarily aimed at Emily for missing their date (which I had zero idea about). Once done making excuses for blanking on the stood-up girl, he did the shout out and said the name wrong.

I phoned him back and informed him of the disappointment my friend and I shared. I asked him, point blank, “if you can't remember her name, how could you remember mine?"

Chris profusely apologized… and than went on for twenty minutes about Burnout Paradise. Compared to the other call, it was as if I were speaking with a completely other guy.

"Oh yeah! If things don't work out with Emily I would consider you for my new heartsweet."

Suddenly, I was pretty uncomfortable. I told him such was probably didn’t need to be considered as Emily really seemed to be his type. Despite this, Chris continued on. He said he wanted to move away from sexual stuff because his last girlfriend “really wore him out”. Apparently, his dick would hurt during the act and would stay sore afterwards.

Emily and the Pickle Man happened. I would later find out that Chris was extremely proud that he did not defecate in his pants when he first saw the Pickle Man. Chris’ only thoughts, at the time, were: "Am I pooing myself? I hope I don't poo myself."

After Emily
Pickle Man left with Emily, then there were the hookers and after Clyde called him, Chris called me. For the rest of our relationship, Chris would be the primary initiator of our phone calls. Only after the completion of a long-term project, or a fuck up would I phone him.

During this call he wasn't so broken up about Emily as he was pissed about the Pickle Man. He was really pissed about Clyde making his mom upset, too. He said his Dad took care of the hookers, though he was brief on the details.

After Chris launched back into video games for a bit, he switched topics.

He told me that since Emily hadn’t worked out he’d like for me do him the honor of… I told him we could see how things went between the two of us. I wanted to take it slow because I really didn’t know him that well. Plus, My dad usually likes to check out guys first. Chris assured me that he too liked to take things slow- and that he could be my man.

He asked about my Sonichu character. I completely blanked. I had briefly mentioned the existence of such during our initial call to get onto his good side. I told him my character's name was Luckette. Chris was disgusted and thought this name sounded “too French”. He recommended something more American, like Daisy!

I had to rush to draw my character and I sent him that. I included some fan art along the way, too. The drawing of my Sonichu character got cropped in Gimp so it dropped the 'e' from the end of “Luckette”. Chris really hated this change. He added that I could improve on my handwriting, too. “You could write hearts over the 'I's".

From the get-go, he would never complement my drawings. He would always find something wrong with them. Like, "This character looks like she has three legs and very bruised eyes”.

He asked me about the drawing of myself. He wanted to know if “the drawing was true to real life”. I didn’t know what to say, so he added: "Is it accurate?". I agreed. He did a nervous laugh and said: "Woahhhh, I could get use to that”!

We then had a really deep discussion about what my character was. Instead of a sheep, Chris said she could be a Flaffy. I mentioned Mareeps and was quickly shut down. Chris than went on about a Sneasel named Reginald…

Chris returned to the subject of names. He insisted that he didn't approve of the French name, or the cropped out “e”. I gave in. I told him I was going to change it to a few other things but he wasn’t pleased with any of these suggestions, either. Finally, I came up with Layla next. I chose Layla because it sounded like a hooker's name- not because of Clapton (though I do like that song!). I thought Chris would moan but he was thrilled. She sounded beautiful!

"I bet my Reginald would find your Layla VERY sexy! I think Reginald would like to take Layla on a date. I think Reginald would like to Layla to McDonald's…”

Chris suddenly told me that he wanted the two to get busy in the McDonald's bathroom. “I bet that before the second part of their date, they could take a potty break and Reginald would leave the door open to be a flirt and they could exchange some kisses," Chris told me. Chris also made mention of them washing their hands together.

Just like Chris wasn’t won over by my names, I wasn’t exactly buying the idea of Layla hooking up with this Reginald. I told Chris that Layla would find Punchy more her type. She's into the Asian persuasion, y’know. Chris was caught off guard.

He could have sworn I knew that Punchy and Angelica was an item. I replied that not everyone ends up with their sweetheart. Chris didn't end up with YOUR high school sweetheart, did he? Nope. Well, nor did I- as I was presently single, after all. “that makes the two of us," Chris giggled. I said the two people could fall in love at any point in their life. He got excited and declared that meant Angelica could help Reginald feel better about himself.

Chris said "I love you”. Now, and whenever else he’d say this I would never say it back, I would say "I'm sure you do" or do something like this.

That call was the 19th of March. That same day, he released the edit of the shout out video.

The next time he called me, it was the first time I brought up the 'Holding Out For a Hero' video. He said he'd consider it as. Despite just meeting me, I told him I already “felt a connection with him. I feel like you're my hero. I have this vision of you rescuing me from my school on a horse. I want you to make a video just like that." At this point he was all in.

He asked me if I would ever sing for him in return. He said how he sung with his mom and compared himself to Bing Crosby. He wanted me to sing him an “old song” "I want you to sing me an old song”. I found a video my friend had send me earlier this video and sing-talked. He wanted me to record this but I told him I didn't have any equipment of that nature. Instead, I taught him the song and he followed along and sang over me. He didn't know the lyrics.

I informed Chris that I would really like it if he sang MY favorite song, too. He threw in some ideas, saying he wanted to make a comic for it. This was great! Although, I was hoping he'd animate it, I was still really impressed that he just had these ideas to begin with.

Sadly, we got into a little tiff because I wanted the Bonnie Tyler version of “Holding Out for a Hero” because he already had the Frou frou version from the Shrek 2 soundtrack. He wanted to use that one instead of “spending more coke reward points on the same song”. I didn't like that version. The Bonnie Tyler version reminded me of my Dad. He backed off and agreed to look it up on youtube.

When we caught up again he was really annoyed. He couldn’t identify Bonnie’s gender and preferred the Frou Frou version as “we could slow dance to it”.

I told him again that I preferred Bonnie because of my Dad. Chris sighed and complied, saying he’d allow this sort of thing just this one time. I squealed! “Eeeeeeeeeeeee” just like Bionic in that one comic with hearts in my eyes and such. I asked if he could have it done the next day or so…

It took him about six days to deliver the video. He called before I watched and said he did it all with his PSeye. He wanted to know when I was going to get MY PSeye? (I had revealed that I had a ps3 previously in passing) and he released the video.

The video opened with him looking enthused and diddling about on his plastic guitar. I recall thinking he looked a bit like the guy that had did in John Lenon during those first few frames. Soon, however, it got really good. I never asked why he put the cards in the video, though.

My favorite part was when he started really rocking out and did the guitar solo over his head. Pure delight.

A few days down the line, I asked for a tour of his house. When I visited Chris, I wanted to feel like I was already at home. I wanted my first time walking in his house to be like “yeah, I belong here', and I desired to know where everything is. He preferred to just show me his bedroom. But… how did he get to his bedroom? He offered the garden but no dice. He chuckled and agreed.

Threats
Couple days later, I got a phone call pretty early in the morning from Chris. He was freaked out! The previous night a guy claiming to be Clyde (sounded nothing like him based on Chris' impression) left a voice mail saying that he wanted to KILL Chris! After calming him down, I told Chris that I highly doubted that the caller was anywhere near Chris. He was going to be okay. Chris told me that he ”was upset and... things had happened." During this call I would learn all about Chris’ bathroom troubles. He told me had gotten scared and shat himself.

In addition, his mom basically had a vendetta about doing his laundry these days, too, because of this habit of shitting himself when he was stressed or emotional. Whenever Chris would annihilate his pants to some degree he'd simply dump (teehee) his soiled garments in the laundry without taking care of them first. Each time Barb would do laundry, without fail, there’d be a very special surprise waiting for her. This sort of thing had happened since Chris was a kid but it got worse after school completed. His doctor suggested that Chris could change his diet or try exercising to help things. Chris told the doctor he wanted a pill. Since the issue wasn’t anything clinical, the Doctor told Chris that he could wear protective garments, especially since Chris couldn't feel the mess unless he moved around- long after the deed had been completed. "But that's for babies!" Chris clarified by screaming at me. The doctor corrected that they were liners; he never called them diapers. Neither did Chris- he called them “butt garments”.

Barb really wanted Chris to at least try the liners but he was determined. So, Barb stated that she would no longer do his laundry. Though, after that Liquid Clyde call, Barb offered to wash his sheets- the next day. He said he when he had woken up in the middle of the night it had been "a big one”. But, instead of racing off to tell his Mom, Chris climbed out of bed and decided to hide from Clyde by putting one big stuffed animal in the middle of the bed with a pair of sunglasses across it’s face.

Chris hid on the couch and covered himself in stuffed animals. He didn't want to sleep in his bed because of the mess he made, and because “that would be where Clyde would look for him”. If Clyde had infact broken into Chris bedroom that night it was easy to see how Chris potentially would have worked- although not in the way he intended.

After falling back asleep Chris had a "sticky dream." He said that it had about him and me in a pool, and that as he had been my hero, I could be his heroine too- his “God’s angel mermaid”. He stated that when he woke up there was yet another mess but "not a bad mess”. “Oh, you had a wet dream?"

Chris giggled and said: "No, that's when you pee yourself, silly!"

He added that it was the first pleasant dream he had had in some time… and repeatedly kept corrected me about "sticky dreams”. After this dream, Chris returned to obsessing over Clyde. I asked Chris what he was going to do about Clyde and was informed that he intended to phone the police - eventually. I pointed out that Clyde was out of the local police's jurisdiction (federal wasn’t mentioned) as Clyde resided now in Australia, after all. Chris didn’t understand what jurisdiction meant, but recognized Australia was too far for Virginia’s boys in blue to visit by car.

I told Chris that he was being too passive. He needed to take charge and be a man. His first confrontation video ended up being kind of lackluster. Others followed and slowly Chris progressed up the ladder… only to get distracted once again.

The next video was one explaining bodily functions to my cousin, Flora (as Chris was an unrivaled expert on this topic). At first he was kind of uncomfortable making it, but I persuaded him that farts were completely natural (like his other ailments) and that he had nothing to worry about. Chris predictably warmed up to the topic and surprised us all by singing for the finale an acoustic ditty of his own.

Rocky appears
He produced a steady stream of videos until Rocky made the scene. She appeared March 30th. After she showed up, he decided he didn't want anything to do with youtube. This was a major problem though. Youtube was the only way I could see by boyfriend’s God-given face. He eventually gave in and returned to youtube upon agreement that videos uploaded needn’t stay public. Once viewed and saved onto my ipod, they would each be deleted from his page.

I started to encourage him to stand up for himself, overall, and get that darn ED page taken down. Clyde and ED were all one and the same. Around this time, Chris and Rocky discovered legi0n. Chris was overwhelmed by the colors and sensations of the forum, but before he closed the window, he saw a photoshop of him “as an angel protecting cwcville”. He loved that picture so much.

Vanessa Hudgens
Around the same point Vanessa Hudgens appeared. She got Chris really excited because she promised him fame and glory in movies. I had a bad feeling about her though. All of Vanessa’s video requests seemed to require Chris’ nudity. I wondered if she was trying to make Chris into a porn actor rather than the next Disney sweetheart? I didn't ask too many questions though, because I had to agree that Chris was a born star.

Chris didn't trust Joshua Martinez, whom had introduced the two. Every time he talked to Vanessa, he had to go through Josh. Chris thought that Josh was hogging her. At the same time, however, Chris was content to play by Josh’s rules.

I gave Chris the idea for his next domain name, cwcville.com. He was fairly hung up on purchasing sonichuandrosechuforever.com (or an alternative name of the same nature if his first choice was revealed to be already occupied). However, he was quickly swayed by cwcville.com as it was still proclaimed one of his many creations. We had the hopes that he'd make the new site into a big portal that would feature BRAND NEW, NEVER RELEASED, and ORIGINAL material. He registered the domain via godaddy instead of geocities. He selected "godaddy" as it made him think that it was a family friendly domain registrar or something (thus more trustworthy and accepting of his content).

Layla and Punchy
After cwcville.com was established, Chris started on episode 19. While working on pages he made some of Layla and Punchy swapping underwear. I had suggested Chris draw Punchy in women’s underwear sometime (to symbolically display an acceptance of Chris’ interests). When I saw the finished product, I noticed he had shoehorned Layla in there as well. “They both have to do it,” he insisted, “together forever”. Before coloring the final piece he decided to sketch out a one-off of Layla blowing Punch while in wearing boxers.

His plan for episode 19 involved their date at McDonalds. Chris kept talking about how they'd have sex in the bathroom. He also made a ham-fisted analogy between Punchy/Layla and him/myself. He said that our first date would be at McDonalds, too, and his desire to fuck me in the lavatory. Chris claimed that he normally didn’t approve of sex before marriage, but he was a modern man now who changed with the times. I asked him if Punchy would have the condom, but Chris was adamant that Punchy didn’t have pockets and was insulted when I referenced cartoon loopholes. He tried to suggest that Layla had the condom, but I wouldn't let him as Layla is not that kind of girl. Chris eventually decided that Layla could choose when and when not to birth.

After that pressing matter got resolved, he declared that they were "going to have some fun". Chris also wanted to include queefing. There was an episode of South Park that aired right before this, so it's obvious that's where he got the queefing idea. Though, he never did bring the show up (at least, in reference to queefing). Instead, he acted like he was suddenly concerned about women's problems. I thought this was weird, but backed up his argument by referencing his incontinence problems. He said that because I accepted his perpetual mud butt, it should be OK for him to be supportive of queefers and include it within the upcoming comic.

I thought that was a great idea! And since I knew about the episode of South Park, I suggested he get glitter and put it in the comic, too. He ended up getting stickers instead. And sadly, in the final cut, he ended up coloring over the queef entirely. I was very disappointed.

While Layla and Punchy were on their date, Layla got a greek salad with ranch dressing, pickles on the side, and a diet coke. She was watching her figure, after all, implored Chris. Punchy offered her some free fries as they sat across from one another at the day-glo dinner table. Hailing back to her petting zoo roots, Layla ate them from his hand, careful not to nip any wayward digits.

This instance, along with the fact that Punchy had tolerated her gassy vagina, really wowed Layla. She was so impressed that when they went for their "potty break", she ended up fucking the echidna-hitmon-chu.

Chris went into detail about how this unfurled: He said that Punchy had gone to the men’s room and had left the door ajar while he used the facilities. After simultaneously “relieving himself and flirting with Layla” he decided to visit her in the women’s bathroom. They selected the handicapped stall in which to have sex because of the extra elbowroom. After their bathroom escapades, they head to Layla's house to eat again (possibly dessert? Chris intended no innuendos).

Meanwhile, Reginald is a jealous little spunk. Originally, Chris had really dramatic ideas planned for Reginald. The blue Sneazelchu was going to slash Punchy's tires. He also was supposed to walk in on Punchy and Layla having sex in the McDonald’s bathroom.

I'm fairly certain that all of this hilarious material was axed from the comic because Chris had been showing Rocky his crafts and basically censored himself in the process. To me, however, he simply said he wanted to keep things "TV-Y7".

Hey Arnold!
While Chris was working on all this, he had a new dream. After a few rage videos against Clyde, the unpleasant troll dreams had ceased. His latest bizarre dream involved the show “Hey Arnold”. He asked me if I remembered Hey Arnold and when I answered yes, he shrieked: "THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S A FOOTBALL HEAD!” After I picked the phone back up off the floor he apologized and assured me that had been his "Helga Pataki coming out".

Next, he performed several impressions of the Hey Arnold characters that all sounded eerily similar to one another... In particular, he was especially proud of his Phoebe because she sounded like Angelica Rosechu. Phoebe wanted to stick around for quite awhile but eventually Chris let me in on his dream.

It started off with him skiing on a mountain with Arnold. They went off a steep jump and flew/floated through space. When they returned to Earth, they landed in the ocean atop a pair of identical surfboards. Chris high fives Arnold and sees everyone on the beach cheering for them.

Crabs
He then began rambling on about his many cats and Patti (in Heaven, she prefers to hang around with former First Kitty, Sox [sic]). He asked me if I had pets and I told him that I had two hermit crabs, Crass and Champ. I told Chris that they were married and he suddenly became very interested in the vivacious pair. Always open-minded, he didn't even ask their genders. I don’t think Chris ever did find out that they were both males…

It was after I mentioned Crass and Champ that he started talking about visiting the crustaceans and I in real life. He asked me what I would think if I woke up one day and rolled over to find him lying next to me, formerly spooning? Chris would be smiling fondly at me, and would I return this? Or perhaps begin squealing with delight? I asked how he'd manage to get into my dorm room in the first place. He said he'd arrange something with my roommate as she “was clearly supportive of our union”. Despite being fairly certain my roommate wasn’t a shipper fangirl, I made sure to point out to Chris that he most likely wouldn't even have been able to get into the building.

Easter
He changed game plan. He said he'd just show up at my Starbucks job. He would be excited to see "his sweetie serving treaties". He was also really stoked about getting free drinks while there, and wanted to know if he could get free food, too. I had an inkling that McDonalds would be but a distant memory after he had the ability to save those burger dollars and fill up on toffee bars.

He than announced that he intended to stroll up to the counter and order.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, caramel on the side. I’ll have it on my lover, later on.” Chris decided to upload a video greeting the crabs and I. This was the “notoriously creepy” video that ended up on the radio stations. I will always hold dear how much he loved my crabs… and how eager he was to take them for “walkies”.

The next video I requested was for him to get all dolled up for a date with me. I wanted him to mime what our magical first date would be like. Somewhere along the way McDonalds was forgotten. Had Chris and I grown too close for him to uphold this sacred courtship step? I’m thinking the comic took care of such necessary details (and saved him a few bucks in the process). So, instead of elaborating about me rolling over for fries he decided to bring a special guest on the show: a sex doll with my drawn face on it.

After seeing those videos, I asked Chris how church went. We ended up getting onto the topic of Easter. Chris started rambling about Easter hunts and how he was upset that he no longer received presents or chocolate anymore. With a stiff upper lip, he accepted that he didn’t get these things, however, because he is “now man, not a little boy”.

I asked him to relive his favorite childhood Easter memories in a video. I also requested he wear his "Easter best". His interpretation of this request was the bunny hop video. Crayola red graced his nose but, sadly, he decided to use permanent markers for his bunny whiskers. He whined about how hard it was to get off and how he was “stuck blushing”.

At this time, Chris loved having a schedule and regular work. I gave him an assignment of three comic pages a day. On the weekend he was to color the completed pages. After the bunny hop video, he had to be persuaded to upload the pages on time because he was tired from scrubbing the permanent marker off of his face.

Cheating
A couple days later I discovered, through the grapevine, that Chris had been cheating on me with Vanessa. I insisted that I wasn't angry with Vanessa but I was angry with him, although Chris kept pleading with me not to blame Vanessa. I decided to punish him by requesting a video of him spanking himself. Although my intention wasn't that he be naked, Chris decided to kill two birds with one stone and film the spanking video immediately after the shower video he made for Vanessa. I had repeatedly asked for Chris to upload the video, per usual, to youtube and he point-blank refused. After viewing the video, needless to say I knew why.

Some troll sent Chris a package of “butt garments” in the mail. Barb thought that they were samples from their doctor, so she kept them, just in case. Chris was angry that she was keeping the diapers and tried to steal them from her multiple times, but he failed. Barb squirreled them away in her room.

My roommate was also really offended that Chris cheated on me and insisted that a mere spanking wasn't an acceptable punishment. She suggested he wear the diapers and label his crotch as "unfit for collection". During the photo shoot Chris decided to lick his medallion and throw a wink our way, as he wanted to “still look good for me”.

Afterwards, he had to sneak the remaining diapers back into his mother's room. Given this atonement, Chris’ mood returned to normal. He began discussing his plans for meeting up with me again and blamed his unfulfilled libido on his temptation to cheat. He had never mentioned this resurgence of “needs”. Just like with the Easter discussion, and many discussions before, Chris reminded me that he was “a man”. He made to sure to add that Julie had been “forever ago by now”, too. Chris blamed me for why he cheated on Vanessa, and stressed it wasn't Vanessa's fault. He said he felt neglected because his needs weren't being met.

"You said Julie wore you out," I told him.

"But that was forever ago!!" Chris protested.

I asked him why he was telling me all this now but had never gave me a prior explanation. I followed this up by asking what kinds of needs he had. The response wasn’t entirely pleasant. Some of the conversations were as such:

Love and marriage
He fantasized about us being married together. I told him I was going to for my PhD in Art History and wanted to take my time [when it came to marriage]. He said he'd do art as well when we were married, but as a “writer/artist”. I’d come home from a long day of work… then Chris have to go to work. I’d cook. Chris wanted know if I would mind if, he was really stressed out, if he could go to the strip club on the way home? I was taken aback. He was supposed to be telling me about how he had needs. Were these it? He continued by elaborating that if he was especially stressed, this would allow me to continue cooking without his stress interrupting the process.

So, I asked him what we’d do if I had sexual needs?

“I’m sorry, what?” was the reply.

I re-iterated that women have sexual needs, too. He understood. I continued: “therefore, if I'm stressed out, do I get to go to the strip club?"

Chris was very confused. He told me that there were women already there. I offered a male strip club. Chris told me he didn’t think we had those in Virginia. I asked Chris what if we had a threesome and he said he'd be okay with such. I added that wanted a second man to join us. I received another “what” before he proclaimed that he no longer wished to discuss such topics.

Chris next asked me about my art phd. I told him about how I wanted to be a museum curator. I asked about his college degree and he said he would use it to draw his comic. I didn’t understand how this work, given the nature of his degree. I concluded that this would mean I was the breadwinner. Chris chimed in that "yeah, we're modern like that”.

I asked what would happen when we procreated. He said that when I had Crystal, I’d have to take a time out from working. Without hesitation, I asked what if I didn't like the name Crystal? After some disgruntled sighs, I started on about how Crystal was a stripper name. He got upset. Chris always knew his Daughter was supposed to be named Crystal- God told him so! I asked him what if God told me that MY daughter's name wasn’t crystal, and he got mad. I flat out told him that if I'm the bread winner and was going to carry the kid and go through labor that I should at least have say in the naming process. Besides, he’d have his stripper friends named Crystal, having a baby named such too would be overkill. He kinda broke down about it and he said we’d discuss such things when the time actually came.

Chris was, once again, suddenly turned on. We got back on the subject of what we would do if we met and how I'd be coming down to Ruckersville when I graduated. He was getting fairly frisky and wanted to get all intimate. Chris wanted to know how I’d go down on him. He told me that if he ate something before the deed how I too would taste it. I remember asking him about Country Cookin’ around this point to move the topic along. Since he goes there a lot, after all. Chris said eats spinach and dessert first, then eat chicken. From Chicken we returned to… I indulged him. I asked him what would he eat beforehand? He said he'd eat these things immediately, and they’d be strawberries.

I asked him if it’d taste like "strawberry milk”? "No, just strawberries". The subject of recycling his semen was visited. I asked him to enjoy some strawberries on video and then try to see if his afterbirth tasted like strawberries, too. He said he didn't have strawberries in his house because they’d just spoil in the Chandler’s fridge. I asked him if he had chocolate and he said "yeah, some chocolate syrup for chocolate milk!”. So, I told him to try that instead. Though, he said he'd “do it all together on camera”...

I'd try to keep the calls short because otherwise he'd talk for two hours. 15 minutes was always the ideal length for me. I called him back when he said the video would be done. Chris said he didn't have any chocolate syrup so he opted instead for orange Fanta. Chris downed it.

On the 16th, after Chris had shown me the video privately, Clyde hacked Chris's website and leaked multiple videos. The spanking video, and Chris dancing about in the shower with an imaginary me. When I saw that video I asked him about it. He said it was for Vanessa. Chris was ready to take on nude roles. As mentioned, I asked for the spanking video but I didn't ask for it to be in nude. Now I knew why it had been. I purposely did not want any nudes of Chris.

Chris thought Clyde "interrupted the stream" as opposed to hacking his website with his password or something like that. So, he never changed a thing with godaddy.

The next day, Chris spoke with Vanessa again and reported to me about how he was behaving even though she was up on her ways. He never thought twice about telling me about how much Vanessa wanted him. I cried about how I felt he was still cheating on me and he made the video kissing the blow up doll. Unsatisfied, I wanted a video where he swore on the bible that he wouldn't cheat on me again but instead he simply quoted verses. Though I appreciated the effort, it still wasn’t enough. I asked him if he remembered all the old videos he rid of? Like that one video where shot Adam Stackhouse? He did. I asked if he would upload it since it made him look like a badass and might scare off Clyde. He said it’d be like he was defending me! Indeed, two birds – one stone.

I later re-discovered how much I had enjoyed Christian and the Hedgehog boys when it first hit the e-waves. I asked Chris to make an album another album. Chris wanted to include his girlfriend- and the crabs. I gave him song ideas and he went to town with them. Some of them were long, though, and he kinda got bored. That’s why the songs in toward the end were not as creative as the first few. Like "Paradise by the Seashore Light”.

When the album was released and I shared it with all my friends. Just like everything else, Clyde got ahold of it. I remember asking why Layla was included on the cover. Chris said she wanted to join and was the stage manager. She was peaking out from behind the curtains- not being a dismembered floating head.

Stalking
Even after all the tears, Chris began letting slip about his planned meetings with Vanessa around town. They decided to meetup at long last. Josh got Chris to go to the JMU campus with a sign and every time Chris would think he saw her, she would disappear. Chris stressed how didn't want to use that sign so he decided on wearing a hat, too. I thought Vanessa and I could be friends but Josh had other intentions. He wanted to exploit Chris for money and would do this by going through Vanessa.

Josh claimed to have very strong ties to the FBI and threatened to hack into Chris’s ps3. Josh wanted to monitor Chris 24/7 as punishment for not meeting up with Vanessa not giving her the "presents” she had requested. I was upset to learn about the times Chris had gone out with Joshua to TGI Fridays. During one date, Chris didn't have enough money for food because he spent his week’s allowance on the previous time they went out. Josh just ordered a meal for himself and ate it in front of him while Chris watched. Chris just got a slushie drink and asked for refills. The waitress did not like this. Later on, Chris discovered that he was being mocked by Clyde again. I suggested Chris perform a string of videos to prove to Clyde, once and for all, that Chris meant business. This included baring his fangs at the camera and giving the PSeye a good smack ‘round. Sadly, nothing worked with Clyde…

At TGI Fridays, Josh got Chris to pay for his meals. He kept telling Chris that they would go meet Vanessa. Every time Vanessa failed to show and Josh would enjoy the meal on Chris's dime, obviously.

Once, the proposed meeting place was at JMU. Chris went there with a sign looking for Vanessa, but only found campus police. While there, Chris donned a hat and tried to keep a low profile.

I discovered that Chris was driving all over the place looking for Vanessa, and at JMU in particular, I began to doubt Chris's loyalty. Chris recommended a simple video reiterating his promises to me, but I insisted that, this time, such was not good enough. I suggested a full-blown marriage ‘what if?’ comic/video and he proposed. My Daddy, whom always reminded me of Coach McGuirk, made his first appearance in the comic.

Chris really loved the Coach McGuirk idea. He spoke with my father on the phone and wowed him with stories about him being in the cub scouts. Daddy, meanwhile, quizzed Chris. What was his home life like? What was his game plan for the future? Chris, proudly, informed Daddy that his job was “writing Sonichu updates”. Daddy asked: “what the fag is that, son?”. Chris changed the topic…

Comics
All of my friends made an appearance in the wedding comic. I also suggested the November Rain wedding dress as, since I was already at the big top, I might as well dress for the occasion, too. Chris decided that he would have to wear his clown shirt in the comic- not because of the ceremony’s theme, but because no one would recognize him if he was wearing a normal suit alone. No, the medallion was not enough.

It was in this comic that he finally put to use stickers originally intended for Layla's feminist queef. They were made the petals for flower girl, Ching Chong, to scatter. Celion Dion was chosen as the background music because… well, Meatloaf had a hangover and I don’t think Chris would have been comfortable with Elton John, even if the man had previously played at Crass and Champ’s ceremony (therefore insuring us a recommendation discount!).

Clyde showed up again, dropping more Vanessa info and videos. It was after that that Chris attempted to meet up with Vanessa once more. A wild goose chase ensued. Every time Chris showed up at a prospective meeting place, he received a call stating that Miss. Vanessa was at another joint. On that one night, Chris drove around the Charlottesville area, looking for Vanessa from 6 pm to 2 am.

The following day was a particularly dense call time for Chris and I. All in all, I received more than 30 calls in a single 24 hour period from Chris (I had decided to ignore him for that one day). When I finally did pick up, Chris wasn’t happy but nor was I. He had worried me by not phoning the day of the Vanessa excursion. So, to make up for it, Chris drew us the honeymoon comic.

I asked why he had included six glade plug-ins with our suite. Chris claimed that a single one wasn’t strong enough for his small bedroom so a suite would require much, much more. Things were about to get dirt-ay, after all! Plus, there was that whole thing with Chris defecating whenever he experienced a sincere, triggering, emotion…

While drawing the honeymoon comic, Chris wanted to draw his penis life sized. I called him to find out what was holding things up and Chris revealed that he had taken a break to cuddle with Mommy. After considering the situation, Chris decided to hand off the phone to Barb. Barb was, surprisingly, very friendly. She had been such during my initial quizzing, but now her guard was completely brought down. Chris was, however, impatient because Barb had interrupted him while he was drawing his dic]. His dick was bent in the comic because I didn't want him whitewashing history and pretending his dick had no curve to it. As previously implied, the theme of our relationship had always been one of acceptance (and feces).

Chris claimed the speed lines across our bodies were due to the “camera zooming in on the goodies”. After Barb finally left the room, Chris settled on just tracing his dick. The tracing was his idea to simplify the process of drawing his dick accurately (and so he wouldn’t have to look at it for too long). He attempted to trace his “small sack” with it’s “lots of cum” but eventually gave up and winged it.

Chris asked if my comic self had any powers so I made up a sort of fursona analogue to Chris-Chan Sonichu. One surprise in the comic was the re-appearance of my father, giving permission for Chris to deflower me. I appreciated Chris asking Daddy… before asking me. Chris gave his "scout's honor" to take care of me.

After that dastardly Clyde intercepted the honeymoon comic it went public. In addition, all these debauched accounts of sex and freewheeling fecal matter reached poor, innocent Ching Chong's ears. She had become confused and terrified of my poor, insane, boyfriend. I suggested that Chris make a video explaining his behavior and why it’s natural. Honestly, I primarily requested an explanation of the leaked spanking video, but Chris offered a bonus discussion about his poopoo problemos and navy consumption. This video, in particular, became very notorious across the internet (and airewaves) on such sites as hiphop superstars and more.

To cover his ass to Rocky, he made a follow-up video disavowing responsibility, and blaming me for mention (and revelation) of his worse moments to the world.

During all of these events, Chris began to have sleeping problems. He complained that he couldn’t turn off his brain when falling asleep, and that he couldn’t wake his brain when getting up in the morning.

I decided to stick to Chris’ canon of me. I suggested he share these problems with the world! Since he was slipping on his comic schedule, anyways, I added he make more videos and other content to put out. Quizzes, quizzes, and more quizzes was Chris’ response. Although, during this time he made a wikipedia page, too.

At one point, Chris told me that he detested the word "sammies" (diminutive for sandwich). He hated the word because when he took up fucking his bed pillow, he always folds it around his dick like a sandwich. The word "sammy" reminded him of this practice and it embarrassed him. Mayo was not mentioned at any point…

Discussion of the Autism papers was brought up during our relationship, too. It is no secret that Chris likes to use his handicap as a crutch. I would often tell Chris that he wasn’t handicapped. but instead that he was handicapable. He had a car, right? And Charlottesville was his playpen to embrace and explore forever more. However, Chris insisted that his Autism was a burden. I requested to learn more about his diagnosis. If we were to have children, would our offspring be at risk for the disease? Chris did not like this term. Though, he was willing to look into the matter— of the sake of little Roberta Latrine (formerly Crystal Weston). It was quickly discovered that the papers were locked up in a hutch with the key’s constantly on Bob’s person. The subject was not touched upon again.

Eventually, he had one more chat with Officer Keino. It was revealed during this time that Chris had gone to the police because of Josh - and with Rocky. As previously stated, Chris kept mentioning going to the police, but I didn't think he’d actually do so as that would entail explaining things to his parents. Also, Bob and Barb have always been extremely afraid of the authorities. For years, Bob has burnt all troll mail they receive in a barrel in the backyard (troll gifts, however, were consumed by the family or put to use).

The End
Bob hid the vast majority of troll material from Barb.

The breaking point for Bob and Barb had been Josh. He had sold Chris a PSP with a non-existent feature for a higher price than a normal PSP. Chris made no secret of intention of giving his old PSP to Vanessa.

While Josh was scamming Chris, Chris scammed Josh back by giving him a bad check. Bob and Barb ended up agreeing to go to the police with Rocky to catch Josh and ONLY Josh. They agreed ONLY to discuss matters regarding Josh as they were handling "Clyde and the trolls on their own terms".

Taking advantage of the situation, Rocky blindsided Bob and Barb at the station by monopolizing and domineering the police’s help. She pushed for the authorities to investigate all the trolls- and Ivy, as well. Despite his parents protests, Rocky went against their wishes and ignored their harbored anxiety.

Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. While Bob/Barb and Josh continued their feud over a PSP, I broke up with Chris over his betrayal. Chris, however, didn’t stop calling. After two days, Daddy and I had to have Bob tell Chris to leave our family alone.

During this call, Bob told me that he and Barb were planning on going up with Chris to visit me at Boston University! Initially, Chris intended to visit alone but was concerned about visiting as my University's website featured an ethnically diverse student body. Bob and Barb decided to join and had begun saving up for the entire family's vacation.

The trip was called off because Barb discovered Chris was stealing from her purse. He had been sneaking small change for a while (in addition to using their credit cards on PSN), but recently it had become larger and larger amounts. I had known about the cards on PSN but Chris had told me such things “were in the past”. He did, however, stress that his parents were unaware of his five-finger-discounts. Chris’ pocket-book thievery was revealed at the police station to everyone.

Sadly, the events during this time period really got to Barb and Bob mentioned that she threatened to kill herself.

Bob continued the conversation and informed me that he would handle Josh. Bob didn’t trust the police to help because Chris was also a guilty party, and had previous run-ins (six to seven incidents, he stated). So, Bob intended to save the matter for small claims court. As for the trolls, Bob was convinced that Megan (“that CRUEL, GERMAN, girl” he dubbed her) was behind the evil doings. He revealed that the Chandlers had started getting harassed back in 1999 by a man named Jamie Dunn (who also tried to land Bob in the slammer). Furthermore, Bob stated that there were people in the world penning thesis’ about Chris for their degrees.

Bob no longer trusted Rocky. Bob said he'd tell Chris to stop calling me and at the same time, he requested that he use my father's clout to help catch Josh.

Although Bob was rather pushy he did back off soon after- with a heavy heart, and respectfully so. He made one final plea that I re-consider. Chris and his family required “all the help they could get”. Bob said I could trust him, that he was “as clean as they get”. Unlike Rocky, Bob never thought I was a troll. Bob and Barb had always been polite to me, kind even. It was a tragedy that things had to end the way things did- that Chris still had no concept of the word “no”.

Bob asked if I wanted to speak with Chris. Bob wanted us to keep talking. At the very least, if I decided to stick to my guns, he asked if I’d say goodbye to his son. I had to decline- to go back now and hear his voice again would have been too painful…

And then I killed myself.