The Kevin and Bean Show Segment

The Kevin and Bean Show Segment is an 8-minute radio clip from May 2009, in which the hosts of the self-titled The Kevin and Bean Show on KROQ-FM in California find one of Chris's Captain's Logs and comment on it. For the most part of it, they are horrified; so horrified that they spend two and a half minutes giving "Viewer Discretion is Advised" warnings before they actually get around to playing it.

This clip is one of two radio segments that were aired about Christian Weston Chandler and his antics, the other being the Toucher and Rich Segment.

Viewer discretion is advised
Bean: --he's just a weird, geeky guy and he-- [audio cuts off] ...you're not usually a stellar choice, but tomorrow, you'll find out why it's 'Top Gun Day'. Apparently there's a new holiday joining the calender, guys, that we didn't know about. Top Gun Day.

Kevin: Hmmm...!

Bean: Find out more about that, also actor Steve Zahn's gonna be joining us tomorrow. Look, uh, this video we're about to talk about is up at the Kevin and Bean section of KROQ.com. I'm wondering if this is a real guy with, you know, he's just a weird geeky guy and he's speaking from the heart or if this is going to turn out to be the next "Borat". This is some sort of comedy genius [Lisa May: Wow.] and this is just a crazy character he's created. What do you guys think?

Kevin: Hold up one second.

Viewer discretion warning 1: The reenactments and commentary in this program may contain frank talk of a sexual nature. Viewer discretion is advised. [Bean laughs during this]

Bean: Alright, now that we got that in...

Kevin: H-Hang on.

Viewer discretion warning 2: This program contains adult language and subject matter, viewer discretion advised.

Bean: Right, so he turns the camera...

Viewer discretion warning 3: This program contains sexually explicit dialogue. Viewer discretion is advised.

Bean: He's a guy, he looks like he's--

Viewer discretion warning 4: [an audio clip of Cartman from South Park] These images may be too shocking for young children.

Kevin: Alright, 'kay, go ahead.

Bean: --he's sitting, he's sitting in a--

<font color="YellowGreen">Viewer discretion warning 5: A warning: some of what you're about to see and hear is explicit.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Alright, go ahead.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: --he seems to be sitting in his bedroom and he is describing things that he likes to do and I can't imagine-- I mean, I don't-- I can't put myself in the position of a guy who would want to video tape this and put it up on the internet for people to know these sorts of things about him so I figure, well, there must be some other reason he's got.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin It sounds-- by the way, if he's an actor, he's a genius.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Yes.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: It sounds like he's gotten some responses to videos that he has already video taped of himself and put up online. And other--

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: He also has his own little YouTube channel, [<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Yes.] and he's developed a cult of people who can't believe the stuff that he talks about.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Yes.

<font color="YellowGreen">Viewer discretion warning 6: Parental discretion is advised.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Alright, so, um, this is him...

<font color="YellowGreen">Viewer discretion warning 7: The American Humane Association monitored the animal action. No animal was harmed in the making of this program. [<font color="Pink">Lisa May laughs during this]

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Alright, here we go.

<font color="YellowGreen">Viewer discretion warning 8: If you have little children and you allow them to listen to the following conversation, you are a bad parent. A really bad parent. You are seriously [censored] up. You with your illegitimate kids and your bad judgment and whatnot. ''[<font color=DarkCyan>Bean, throughout: Alright. Alright, okay.]

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Alright. He's a little bit of an overweight guy with a receding hairline, he's wearin' the, y'know, the polo shirt, and he's in what looks like his bedroom with... it has to be dozens and dozens of action figures behind him. He looks like he'd be a sci-fi geek.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: He looks like--

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: He's not talking about sci-fi.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: He looks like he's in his late... twenties, maybe even thirty. Which makes--

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Aging badly.

<font color="DarkCyan">Kevin: Which makes it all the more disturbing.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Yeah.

<font color="YellowGreen">Viewer discretion warning 9: This program contains graphic images that may be disturbing to sensitive viewers. The people profiled all survived. Discretion is advised. [<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Alright...]

[The presenters all laugh]

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: You won't wanna survive though after you hear it, here's the-- here's the dude.

Playing the video

 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: Captain's Log, uh, Stardate April 28th 2009.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Anyone that starts with Captain's Log, Stardate...

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Yeah.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: You've got a guy who believes he's living on the bridge of the Enterprise.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: That's correct, yes.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: Uhh... a-about... it's- it's a...good idea some-uhhh, if uh it's a good idea, but, uh.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Now, he's referring to a video that he put up that people are questioning.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Mkay.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: They're saying, "Why would you do that?". So he's referring to-- I think it's a good idea if it doesn't bother you, but if it does bother you, then you don't have to do it.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: What's he talking about?

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: ... you'll find out.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: You know you don't have to do it if you don't like it, but... I recycle my own [here, the word "semen" has been beeped out.]

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Oh, wow.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: Yes, I recycle it.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Okay, you could use your imagination, but it's something that comes out of the body.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Yeah and it's... yeah.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: And by the way... it seems to me, I think this is a rule of thumb, nothing that comes out of the body, needs to be saved or recycled...

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: [Laughs in the background]

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: No...

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: ...or treasured, right.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: ...no, just let it go.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Whatever fluids or solids you're imagining right now, all of those should be done away with, there's a reason they're expelled from the body, no reason to try to save that stuff.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: That's correct. Or recyc-- this is taking recycling maybe a little too far, is what we're saying.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: Anyway, the—anyway, af—from after that the, uh, second topic, the, uh, one where I spanked myself.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Okay, here's another video he's talking about where he apparently spanks himself.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: Yeah, I just, uh, I was doin' that for fun, because, y'know, sometimes I do random, silly, crazy things...

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: [chuckle]


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: and, uh... sometimes adults feel pleasure from pain...

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Alright, now this is where he gets into his big thing which is "I'm an adult, and adults act this way".

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Is he assuming I'm a child?

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: I don't know what he's assuming.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Because he's kind of talking to me like I'm a child.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: But I can tell you that I've never done this, I've never really spanked myself on camera.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: But you're an adult!

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: But I've never done-- I've never spanked myself on camera.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Huh.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: ...even when they, uh, do it to themselves. Just, like, you know, spanking is, uh, generally a pop— generally a popular type, uh, thing amongst adults. And then the, uh, third topic which was the—uh, the photographs of, uh, me in, uh... 'dult diapers.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Okay so the dude... the dude recycles when he shouldn't.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Right.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Uh, the dude spanks, and now the dude wears diapers.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Why does the dude wear diapers?


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: ...regalry—legularly I, uh, do not use them, but I just felt like trying a pair on. And it was okay.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: He felt like trying a pair on, he wanted to see what the sensation was like!

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: They're diapers!

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Yes.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: How busy is this guy that he can't walk from his bedroom to the bathroom? Now, and here's where it gets interesting, because he again refers to the fact that he's an adult and who hasn't worn a diaper? [<font color="Pink">Lisa May laughs] Y'know, like, who hasn't done that?


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: ...and sometimes I do, uh, I get very stressed out, [<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Mhm.] it just tends to just build up and sometimes, I just have to—it just comes out, and I sometimes accidentally, uh... poo my pants. But I mean, who hasn't in their lifetime, I mean, [bleep] their underwear...

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Umm, me?

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Me too?

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Everyone, probably?

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Put me in that category.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Who hasn't? So first he says "I wanted to feel the sensation- I wanted to feel what it was like", but then who hasn't needed one, and had to have one?

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Ewwww.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Wooooow.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: ...at least once in their lifetime. I mean, we're only human.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: That's true.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: ...nothing to be ashamed of. And...

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: I'd like to suggest that there is something to be ashamed of if you're doing that to yourself.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: [laughing] Yes, I agree.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Perhaps that should be, there should be some shame involved.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: But I go back to my original question before we heard from this nutjob, is why would you put stuff like this up there on the internet? Is it a sexual turn-on to talk about this stuff or is he playing us? What do you guys think?

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: I don't think he's playing us!

<font color="DarkCyan">Kevin: I don't know if he's playing us and I...I don't know if it's in the tape because we did have to edit some of it believe it or not for standards and practices and whatnot, but I get the suggestion that he was being asked to do it by a girl.

<font color="Pink">Lisa May: Well, if that guy's got a girl he should do whatever she says.

[the others laugh]

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Never get another one.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: And to those who find it amusing, uh, I respectfully disagree with their opinions.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Alright.


 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: With that, I just want to continue to make it perfectly clear that I am a healthy, [<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Mhm.] growing, [<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Right.] sane, [<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Mhm.] and sound-minded, uh, adult individual.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: Yep! We'll make that count!
 * <font color="RoyalBlue">Chris: And I should continue to be treated and respected as an equal among the human population just as anybody else.

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: I'm gonna say "no".

[Lisa is overcome with laughter]

<font color="DarkCyan">Bean: How did he have time to film this video when Star Trek opened this weekend?

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: I don't know. And he's holding a video game controller! He's not playing a video game but he's holding it and messing with it the whole time he's talking.

Bean and Lisa: Wow.

<font color="DarkRed">Kevin: Like it's a security blanket or something, helps him feel a bit better about it.

Sound Bite: This is finally the best reason-- the best, most solid justification I've heard for the Internet.

[Presenters laugh, tape ends]