Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown

"I curse those seven people (between the cast of the three illegal videos) to DIE and BURN!

As for Adam, if he is reading this and is asking, "You've got something to say to me?" I do, P.S. F*** You, you Dream Smashing Son of a B****!"

- PSN blogs



In June 2007, Sony Computer Entertainment America (SCEA) announced the Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown contest to promote the video game PaRappa the Rapper. Contestants were to film themselves performing either Chop Chop Master Onion's rap, Instructor Mooselini's rap or Cheap Cheap the Cooking Chicken's rap a capella. The grand prize winner of the contest would receive two PSPs and an all-expenses-paid trip to Seattle for the 2007 Penny Arcade Expo.

The contest was of monumental importance, as it would achieve goals for Christian Weston Chandler on multiple fronts. Beyond his innate desire to win contests by making an ass of himself on film, Chris hoped to bestow one of the PSPs to his beloved Megan Schroeder and invite her to accompany him on the trip, thereby creating an opportunity for her to give in to her obvious passion for him. The potential benefits could not be overstated. Failure to win the contest was not an option.

Chris's Version: "Master Onion A-La Mode"
To ensure nothing less than total victory, Chris elected to perform the "Chop Chop Master Onion Rap". Despite claiming this was the only song he knew from the game, Chris clearly didn't know it all that well, considering that he reads its lyrics while "performing," not having bothered to rehearse/learn the lines. But then again, have any of his videos looked even remotely prepared? Oddly, he peppers the video with various video effects that seem to come from the PSEye program EyeCreate, including a hilarious caption of "Birthday Boy" popping up during when Chris first does the "duck and turn" part of the song. It could be assumed that Chris did so to make his video look 'nice', but in the end it made it turn into laughing material. Towards the end of the video, Chris can be seen struggling to breathe from close to three minutes of extremely mild exercise. Also, at one point, a fire effect is shown at the bottom of the screen. Make of that what you will.

"This previously submitted PaRapper [sic] the Rapper "Master Onion A-La Mode" Video is among the TOP TEN to win the GRAND PRIZE. And I would TRULY APPRECIATE your generous Vote, so please click the highlighted link to the Playstation Website's Voting page. **I am Video NUMBER 7 (scroll down; the one with the Blue Guitar)** You have the power to make my AUTISTIC life SO MUCH BETTER. Thank You. :) (more)"

Transcript
Hey, P-Station, my name is Christian Chandler I live in Ruckersville, Virginia! I have a PSP, I like to rap, I play PaRappa, and go with him now. The only song I know is "Master Onion" Which I got from a demo I borrowed from my friend Megan!

I have a PSP and she don't, So give me the PSP; unwrap the wrapper, So I can give one to her, and then we can play together!

So here we go, we're gonna sing it now. Master Onion, A-La Mode!

Kick! Punch! It's all in the m-mind. If you wanna test me, I'm sure you will find That you all things, I'll teach ya sure to beat ya, Nevertheless, you'll get a lesson from teacher now

Kick (Kick) Punch (Punch) Chop (Chop) Block (Block)

Once more now. Kick (Kick) Punch (Punch) Chop (Chop) And Block (Block)

Don't get cocky, it's doesn't get rocky, We gonna move down to the next ya jockey now

Duck (Duck) Jump (Jump) Turn (Turn) And Pose (Pose)

Listen carefully. Jump (Jump) Pose (Pose) Duck (Duck) and Turn (Turn)

Hmm, yeah, I see you're getting better, Kick to the limit in order to get her now

Kick Punch (Kick Punch) Chop Block (Chop Block) Chop Kick (Chop Kick) Punch Block (Punch Block)

It's gonna get harder now Duck & Jump (Duck & Jump) Turn & Pose (Turn & Pose) Duck & Turn (Duck & Turn) Jump & Pose (Jump Pose)

Come on now, why don't you follow my words, Because we're almost done, I'll make things worse. I wanna see if you wanna see what it means To be the man with the master plan. Are you the man now?

Here we go now. Kick Punch Block (Kick Punch Block) Chop Kick Block (Chop Kick Block) Block Turn & Kick it (Block Turn & Kick it) Block Duck Punch (Block Duck Punch) Duck Duck Turn (Duck Duck Turn) Jump Kick Chop (Jump Kick Chop) and Punch Punch Punch (Punch Punch Punch)

That's it for today. Good job, PaRappa! You can go to the next stage now. Yahoo! Alright!

PaRappa, I'm so proud of you! Congratulations! Alright. Thank ya, teacha! Again: what?

Man, you’re so good! I got a tit-loose memory, money With students like you… Wanna try a super-beginner’s course?

You’re pick—you’re pickin’ on me too fast! I'm outta here!

Guitar Hero on PlayStation 3 Don't press the PS button after select hang, see? Make sure you hook up with the converter controller Dude, rock on, yo! Nananananaaaa!

Rap, rap, rap! That's a wrap!

Campaign


Chris's video made it into the top 10, giving him just a small amount of luck as the contest was rather obscure (at the time) and a little more than 10 people entered. The winner was to be selected from a vote by PlayStation Underground members in July 2007. Chris asked for votes from many people:


 * At The GAMe PLACe, Chris handed out fliers telling people to vote for him. To ensure success, he read everything off the flier to each person before giving it over. Obviously, no one voted.
 * Chris badgered his half-brother Cole Smithey to vote. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out from their mother about the real identity of Cole's biological father. Cole ended up never voting because either Chris did not care about Cole's plight, or he simply was just that lazy.
 * Chris also asked Susan Hannifan, a PVCC guidance counselor to whom Chris showed a disrespectful attitude in the past.
 * Chris wrote ads on CWC's Sonichu Site!, CWC's Pokésite 2, MySpace, PSN, his Hot Wheels site, and his Bionicle site.

Chris also took matters into his own hands by stuffing the ballot with an endless stream of votes on different fake accounts. On the day before voting ended, he posted his own reviews of the top 10 videos in his PSN blog.

"Such honesty of his situation and devotion for his lucky girlfriend adds great emotions to his performance. The visually appealing effects added the best humor and biggest laugh I had among the bunch. I enjoyed the fun background of his assumed-to-be bedroom. And his informative feedback on playing Guitar Hero on Playstation 3 was truly a wise and great addition. Also, he has nailed the lyrics A-Capella. :) As this brave AUTISTIC warrior so creatively put it at the end, "Rap, Rap, Rap, That's a Wrap!" Truly the cherry on the top of the sundae. A perfect score of 5/5 Stars for his marvelous effort, and smiling at knowing he looked a bit stupid. :)"

- Chris, describing his video in third person

Results
"Changing the lyrics will result in disqualification."

- Official contest rules



The competition was won by Adam Stackhouse. Being the narcissist manchild he is, Chris has bore a grudge against him for a long time, as he felt Adam broke "da rules" by having music and multiple people in his entry. Chris loathed the 2nd and 3rd place winners for having music as well. In actuality, the beatboxing in Adam's video is technically a cappella. Furthermore, another top 10 finalist claimed that he had removed his own music to avoid breaking the rules, but Sony said it was fine.

Chris, of course, violated the rules to a far worse extent than Adam - inserting his own lyrics, to say nothing of rampant vote-stuffing. How Chris even made the top 10 is a mystery; the judges likely observed the obvious fact that something is wrong with Chris and took pity on him.

Relentless vote stuffing did earn Chris a reward, however. The rules state that finalists would "...get their Submissions published on PlayStation.com, and will receive a copy of the game PaRappa the Rapper for the PSP® (PlayStation®Portable) system and some PaRappa branded premium items such as a PSP skin, PSP charm, and a PaRappa signature beanie (ARV $60)." Or, as Chris explains in PS3 History level, "copy of the PSP version of the PSOne classic, a charm, HIS hat, and 5 PSP-1000 Skins." (It is unknown why "HIS" is all capitalized. PaRappa is neither divine in nature, nor exactly a paragon of masculinity.)

Aftermath
Infuriated over his loss, Chris sent an angry email to Sony executives on 3 August 2007, blasting them for refusing to award him the Seattle trip.

The email is a whiny and rambling tirade where Chris begs for first prize, because winning the video game contest represented his only opportunity at losing his virgin with rage status to Megan Schroeder and giving birth to his daughter Crystal. Furthermore, Chris accuses the company of discriminating against autistic individuals, solely for failing to reward them with special treatment:

"I REALLY WANTED THAT TRIP SO I COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO IMPRESS MY SWEETEST MEGAN AND POSSIBLY FULFILL MY DREAM OF GETTING MARRIED AND SOON HAVE A DAUGHTER NAMED CRYSTAL. YET NOW I, A FRUSTRATED HIGH-FUNCTIONALLY AUTISTIC 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN, HAVE BEEN BALLZ-BROKEN LIKE I HAVE THROUGH A BIG CHUNK OF MY LIFE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, "KICK THE AUTISTIC!" *sigh*

I had my fantasies of having fun with Megan, taking her to a really extravagent [sic] destination (I am not rich), taking a long-wanted tour of the Nintendo of America company tour, with her, playing Guitar Hero against the guy in the PaRappa costume, jamming with Megan in the hotel room and possibly our first time in the bed... *sigh*

Life can be soooooooooo unfair and f***ing corrupt.

But I digress; TAKE THE A-CAPELLA RULE TO THE MAX on those THREE out of ten videos.

Take care; Christian Weston Chandler. (:_("

On 4 August, Chris raged multiple times on his PSN blog against Adam and the other winners, using his time-honored "Kick the Autistic" crutch. When people told him to relax, he told them to shut up: this resulted in a temporary ban from PSN moderators.

The same day, Chris sent another angry e-mail to Sony executives, this time enclosing a systematic dissection of why everyone else's video was in violation of contest rules. Chris evidently overlooked his own questionable ethics of mercilessly vote-stuffing with sockpuppet accounts and begging everyone on his e-mail contact list to vote for him. Sony later replied with a canned response, indicating that his letter was not even read at all and that Chris would need to resort to more drastic measures.

Two days later, Chris would continue his rampage against Adam Stackhouse by creating a fake webpage designed to show himself as the true winner of the contest. That page substituted his own name for Stackhouse's and also included the following disclaimer:

"* The EX-Winner, Adam Stackhouse, was DISQUALIFIED on the grounds of violating the Official Rules on TWO COUNTS: -He Had Licensed BeatBox Music playing from a licensed BoomBox. -He Had his SISTER ILLEGALLY in the video without authorized consent. We of the Playstation Underground apologize for the confusion and inconvience of not having dealt with this INJUSTICE sooner. Please disregard any web pages that may state the contrary; they shall be taken down by our webmaster momentary"

He then went around various PSN News posts and left comments with the following:

"I wanted to mention a small concern… there is a link to the True Real Winner of the Chop Chop Master Onion Contest at http://groups.myspace.com/CWCandFriendsCustoms . Yet, when I click the link on us.playstation.com, I get a different “Winner”. I Do Not Know Who To Believe! Do I believe the Official-Rule-Violating adamstackhouse, or do I believe the Honest, Autistic CWCSonichu?"

Chris later escalated his campaign by producing a video titled CWC is Angry. In the video, Chris prints out a picture of Stackhouse and his sister and uses it as a pellet gun target for two continuous minutes. Although the video was originally intended to be a vindictive show of intimidation, the mood was spoiled by an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force blaring loudly in the background, not to mention Chris' weapon of choice was a toy Transformer.

During Chris's struggle to be recognized as the rightful winner of the contest, Megan informed him that she was glad he lost because she had no interest in going on a trip alone with him, given his hands-on approach to their relationship. Whether or not she would have accompanied him, she was upset by his in-person interactions with her. The way Chris treated Adam and his sister after they won probably did not help matters either. Chris finally went on to claim that he had contracted a "gut virus" due to the strain on his body from slapping together his half-assed contest entry. From that point onwards, Megan's e-mail correspondence with Chris became much less frequent and a little cooler in tone, indicating that while ShecameforCWC.JPG may have been the final nail in the coffin for their friendship, the fall-out from this contest was the first nail in that coffin.

Two versions of the video exist. The one that Chris uploaded later to his YouTube channel has an additional photograph of Megan between the first and second verses. This version is most likely the original version before Megan broke off contact with Chris, as is evidenced by an angry email she sent him after returning from her Kentucky trip.

On 31 October, Chris made a fake Parappa profile on MySpace to ease his pain from losing the contest--Parappatheraping dog. Good job.

Download

 * Original file