Jack Thaddeus Phone Call

"Take your problems head on. Do not fucking dodge them. I just read that from a fortune cookie. Except I added the fucking part because Chinese people don't curse a lot."

- Jack Thaddeus, His Holiness the Dalai Lama

On 4 December 2009, Jack Thaddeus called Chris to discuss the recent events involving Chris's statements about Asperger's, Sonichu #9 and his Parkay.

Most of the call, Jack reprimands Chris and tells him he has a problem with making his comics, his health and his mailbag. Chris remains monosyllabic and uninterested throughout, except to silence Jack with two fairly solid burns. Rather than angering Chris, this call seems to have inflicted a lot of stress on Chris, which will cause him to take a Power Nap.

It's important to note that this is the first time we see Chris actually being able to counter-insult properly. While some may see this as proof that he is, in fact, growing as a person, the laws of probability state that if a person continuously rambles off ridiculously stupid statements, there is a minute possibility that one of them will actually come out as really clever. He then proves this by apologizing.

Video
"[sigh] My blood is not made of gravy."

- Chris, shattering the basis of every belief that we've ever held about him

Transcript
Chris: I'm just replying to- Jack: I'm pissed at you! No! Shut up, I'm pissed at you. Chris: Okay, is this because I haven't picked up? Jack: No- well, yes! That's actually- you get a point. Okay, you get- you get a gold star, just like you would if you were in a retard class, which you probably were in, because, well, you're Chris. Anyways, um, so, yeah, apparently, you're all butthurt about people calling you- saying that you have Asperger's which is pretty funny considering that, you know, it pisses you off, so- Chris: Whatever. Jack: What-what? What? What? Chris: I'm like, whatever. It's a mislabel. Jack: Oh, oh! No, it's cute. It's cute! You think that- you think that Asperger's- people with Asperger's are trying to take the quote/unquote “limelight” away from people with autism. What- how- why... why is that- that's like saying, "People with cancer are trying to take the limelight away from people with AIDS," ...although, you'd probably like that considering you hate the homos. Chris: Maybe. Jack: You know a friend of mine has AIDS. He's gay. Chris: Well, I feel bad for him. And he has my sympathy- he has my pity. Jack: But he's gay Chris! Chris: I know. I, uh- I assumed that because you know, you said he had gay- he had AIDS. Jack: Oh, you assume- you assume that everybody that has AIDS is gay. Wow. Wow, Chris. Wow, that's- way to fuckin', you know, fall into the fuckin' pit of stupid. You know, a lot of people have AIDS, not just gay people. Actually, more straight people have AIDS than gay people. But, anyways, I'm pissed at you for multiple reasons. First of all, the comic sucks. Second of all, the video you did sucks. You know, Vivian's been yelling at me saying I'm interfering; I'm interfering. I didn't do shit, okay? So, you know. That- that bitch is crazy, so you know. Also, you didn't fuckin' answer my letter that I sent to you. Chris: Well, I haven't found your letter. Jack: I told you! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I checked in the mailbag and I- <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Because you went and put it in rejected, you dumb shit! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I did not put it in Rejected Mailbag- I did not- I did not find anything from Jack Thad- from you. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: I- I told you it was in the name "David Crass"! You really think I'm stupid enough to put my name as Jack Thaddeus? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Oh, wait, okay, okay, I just found it. Okay, I just found it. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Now read it out to me. Read it out to me. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. “Dear Chris, why is Rosechu so useless?” <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Now answer it. Why is she so useless? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Well, she is not useless. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: [laughter] Okay, okay, so, so what did she do in the last, uh, comic? In this- in this comic right here. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [sigh] She took down some Punislavs and some Jerkops... with her lightning blade. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Everybody else was doing that. Her lightning- no, and then she got kidnapped! How is it that she's able to apparently fight these people, and then suddenly get kidnapped. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: It just happened. It happened from behind her. She does not have eyes in the back of her head. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: It just happened. Oh! She got taken from behind. I see that's- she got taken from... [trails off] Also Punislavs? That's kinda- Slavs, you know that Slavs are an ethnic group? That's kinda I'm just saying Chris- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [interrupting] Well, would you rather I called it a “slave?” <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yes, that might be nice. That might be nice. What, you think that all black- that "slaves"- that "slave" has suddenly become a bad word? It makes more sense, Chris. If they're fuckin'- God dammit. You know what? You know what? You know what, you should be talking to Vivian about this shit, because I'm just saying. I mean- but, anyways. Why is Rosechu not a useless piece of shit? And also, why is your plot so fucking convoluted and unnecessarily complicated? You make characters, and then you retcon them into the fucking story, and then they disappear. They play no role. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [sigh] They did play a role; they helped in defending the city of CWCville. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: That's not a fucking- okay, okay, you seem to have a problem with storytelling. CWCville- the defense of CWCville doesn't mean shit if there's no story, and you need certain main characters. A bunch of fucking secondary characters doesn't do shit. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Well, Sonichu is a main- Sonichu and Rosechu are the main characters. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Then why do you have so many fucking other characters? The only character I like is Punchy Sonichu, and that's because he reminds me of Clyde. [long pause] What? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Nothing. Nothing. Anyway... Mmm. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: People told you that that picture of that Guido wasn't Clyde, but you didn't listen. Remember back then? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yeah, you're- that was just one of- that was- that was actually... fucking comedy gold, man. I- I- I am actually not- I actually- I'm proud of you for not listenin' to, ya know, advice of other people, and, you know, just- just being the dumb shit that you are and just making that video of you, having a picture of that Guido from the Jersey shore. Ahaha. Ohh... You're a funny guy, Chris. But, okay, I'll- I'll... [Chris makes a noise to make sure that we still know he has a pulse] <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You can, you know- I'm- we're gonna have- we're not- I'm not hanging up. We're having our talk right now, Chris, so don't- don't fuckin' try and rush me, okay? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: 'Cuz I- I can hear you, you know, fucking... shifting around and going [at this point, Jack makes raptor noises], like you're fucking... getting tortured, okay? So don't get antsy with me. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I'm not doing- I'm not making any noises. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: I- I- no, I- I hear you. I hear you, Chris... you know. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: You're listening to the radio in the background. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Why- who the fuck still listens to radio?! I mean, I- I li- I listen to NPR, but, you know, otherwise, who the fuck cares? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Yeah, well- well, that's John Tesh. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Who the fuck is John Tesh?! Sounds like a fag! [after a pause, they simultaneously say "Anyways...", and, afterward, Chris quietly sighs] <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Oh, you fucker! Anyways- God!- parkour: eh, you seem to really not understand parkour. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You really... don't understand- seem to understand- [sigh] you know what? Yeah, you- I don't... hmm... Why don't you explain stuff to me, Chris? I- I'd like to- I'd like to know what you... think would be passing as, uhh, you know... you know... parkour? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I did not understand the question. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: [quietly to himself] That was actually pretty funny. Umm... what is parkour? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Par-core: to my interpretation... it is a style of running. Running from one point to another... yes, with jumps... and along the walls, and other things. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Mmm... that's- you interpreted it wrong. It's- well... yeah, you got it then; you got it when you add the... jumping on the walls and shit. It's- but, then again... what you said you were doing was "Parkay", which- Parkay a brand of butter, so, you know, [Chris begins to interrupt] seeing that you're a fat load of- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Well... okay, well- ok- well- <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Hey! Do not fucking do that! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay, well, I forgot- I... had trouble remembering what the word was. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You know- you know- Chris, settle down. It's not nice to interrupt people. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Your parents really failed... at teaching you manners. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Hmm... well... please continue. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yous called it Parkay. Now that's hilarious, because... Parkay is a brand of butter, and you're like butter in that you're a fat piece of shit. [Chris gives one of his infamous sighs, which Jack then mocks] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay, well, I forg- I- <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You really- do you really think- do you really think you're healthy? Do you really think- do you think you're healthy? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I could be healthier. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You could be healthier? Okay, yeah... you could be healthier if your fuckin' blood wasn't made of gravy. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [sigh] My blood is not made of gravy. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: It's not? It's not. Then why... why do you... have to take four fucking breaks in... the video, just running for ten minutes? I can run for ten minutes without taking a break, and I can then go up a flight of stairs, after running ten minutes without a break, and make it to the top... you know, faster than you did. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright, then. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty fucking awesome. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You gonna admit that I'm awesome? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I'm sorry, I did not understand that question. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Oh, I- I- I was just- oh, are you physically fit? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I will admit that I could be bette- I could be more fit. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: I want you to admit that you are fat, and that you have a problem, and that you need to work on it. [strange noises of discombobulation] Never mind, I'm- I'm pretty sure you and... Kim (???)- she's all- alright with that, because she seems like the type that would, you know... be a... fuckin'... you know, bossy-boss. But are you fit, Chris? Yes or no. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: No. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Do not say- good. Good, we got somewhere. You are fat. Now... that's the first step in fixing the problem. Now, you actually have to do something, and by "something", I mean "get out of the house and"- nah, never mind; I don't give a shit. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Uhh, I don't know... Vivian is... gonna be pissed, and, you know... I'm just saying. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright, well, my bad. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Anyways... I want you to... stop rejecting... mail that you don't like. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You- these are your fans, Chris; you shouldn't be fucking pushing them around like this... and actin' like, ya know, just because they say something that you don't agree with, their... opinions suddenly don't matter. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You know, so... Vivian is trying to help you, but you don't- you seem to have a problem with taking advice. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I have been taking advice- the advice of Vivian. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: No, you haven't. [interruption battle ensues] You've been- you've been- okay, here's your version of- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: O- okay, well I- okay, well, I need to dispel- I need to- <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Chris! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [interrupts quietly] Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: What have I told you about interrupting?! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright, well, I was- I wa- I was sayin' somethin', then, uhh, you started sayin' somethin', so, okay... Continue. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Trials and advertisements make... you- trials and adversities make stronger; take your problems head-on; do not fucking dodge them. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: I just read that... from a fortune cookie. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Except I added the "fucking" part, because- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Chinese people don't curse a lot. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Actually, they do, but... I don't know. They- they curse in Chinese... something. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Yeah. Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: How much do you care about Sonichu? [disgruntled noise of frustration] Okay! Now I am pissed, Chris, because I know what you're doing; you're just- you're not even listening! There's more- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I am listening to you. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: No, you're just saying, "Uh-huh. Yeah. Uhm-hmm. Yeah." You... I've heard you do this before. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Well, I have been listening to you. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Hi(?), I remember when you did this with Clyde. You just sit there and just, like, go, "Uhm-hmm. Uhm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Mm." Do I do a good impression of you? I think I do. I'm- I think it's pretty spot-on. So... <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Whatever. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: 'Member when- that's not a fuckin' respo-nse! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: But do go on, please. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Okay. He- remember when he tried to get you to go to Redmond... and you didn't go? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Right. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: You didn't go, because you don't give a shit about Sonichu. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: No, I didn't go, because I thought it was a trap. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: How could it be a trap? For what? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Well- <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Do you think Clyde would- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: My mom thought it wa- my mom thought it was a trap. My dad thought it was a trap. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: No, you thought it was a trap! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: And th- <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Mom and Dad don't give a shit about what you do with Sonichu! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: And then we realized that the- that the e-mails from Mr. Mayamoto came from Mail.com, which is where anybody could pretend to be somebody else. [at this point, Jack basks in the silence of the rare occurrence of having been owned by Chris] <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Eh... Well... Miyamoto- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Of course, you know, my family is concerned of my safety, so there you go. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yeah, that's why they shelter you like you're a baby. You know what? My parents threw me out when I turned eighteen. You know why they threw me out? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Hmm... probably because they couldn't stand you? [Chris is now officially on a roll] <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Oooh! That earns you... two more gay ads! ...You little sassy- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: thingy... guy. You gonna apologize? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Yeah, I'm apologizing. I apologize for that. Okay, I- <font color="#04B45F">Jack: No, say, "I'm sorry." Hey, "I am sorry." <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I'm sorry. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Well... they kicked me out because I- because, you know... I have like five other brothers, or something. I don't know. I have a lot of... people in house. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. So it was overcrowded. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yes. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Just like your house, except it's not full of people; it's full of shit that you don't need! HAHAHAHAHA! Ahhh... we have fun, don't we, Chris? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Hmm... Well, you are, anyway. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yeah. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: And I am not going to interrupt. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Anyways... grow some balls, get some initiative, fucking promote the shit out of Sonichu... <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: ...Vivian's gonna rape me... with the... strap-on, because she's crazy- oh, wait, I was reading an e-mail. Umm... yeah. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Just do whatever Vivian says, and... I'll be calling you soon, and... you don't fucking abuse your fans. Like, they're, you know- you don't have a lot of them, Chris! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Also, go to Redmond. Because, you know- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Eventually, I- eventually, I will. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yeah. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yeah, I- so... Oh, also- also, don't piss of your Asperger friends, 'cuz, you know, they're fuckin'... crazy-ass niggers. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yeah. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright. So... any other thoughts? <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Alright. Uhh... you're fat. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Oka- oka- okay, I guess we're done here...? <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Yep. Bye-bye. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay, take care. Merry Christmas. <font color="#04B45F">Jack: Merry Christmas to you, Fatty Fatfat!