Live Game Stream - C-Log 04142017

Live Game Stream - C-Log 04142017 is the first Captain's Log video since July 2016's Update 20160718. In keeping with his recent demeanor, Chris appears demented and tries to sound female. The video is very long and extremely tedious, consisting mostly of Chris trying to talk up his merchandise while playing with expensive Transformers toys (having uploaded a begging video the same day). Despite having appeared to be at death's door in the other video uploaded on this day, Barb finds the energy to shamble into frame and berate Chris about cat food, providing surcease of the seeming eternity of looped PS4 music and Chris's gibbering. The video concludes with yet more incoherent Transformers trivia punctuated by an abstractly motivated attack on Trump and his daughter, followed by a reminder to watch Chris's thrilling reaction video to SNL.

Transcript
Good evening, this is Christine Chandler coming to you live from home once again, but for the first time in a long time this is Captain's Log, stardate zero-four, one-four, two-zero-one-seven. And I'm trying -- in a different format, obviously, I've got a microphone attached to my head, but hopefully this time my voice'll be louder than the music that I'm still forced to have to block out. I figure on something different for tomorrow's video where I commentate live reactions to watching the Trump episode o' Saturday Night Live. In the meantime we'll start with some of the-- the pleasant news, about something good. And yeah, just knocked over the gate behind me that was laying against the wall, pfft.

Anyway, so let's talk a little more about Son-Chu. The Autobot figure that you could win, for a limited time. And the stamp album's still available as the last automatic win for, ya know, da figure… an’ my Sky [runs out of breath] – m’ self Skylander figure, m’ self Skylander card, and… [gulp] T-shirt! Look at da previous video, respectively, for… dat!

So ayway, I’mma talk bout de additional features you get… with dis thing. Where– [turns to the right to look for something] talk about, de silver gunnn! Alright, so ‘bout de – inititially, you would get, de Silver Gun’s… .y’know… [plays with toy] just ‘s I said in da review video… so we’re goin’ [snaps something] whoop… mmrrr… [tries to attach to toy] get in ‘nere, get in ‘nere!! Get in ‘nere. Soop… there you go. [re-poses toy] And… da face of da Mark 1 version of Autobot Son-chu as I had designed back… so many years ago, during da days when Armada was still on the air. And… obviously dis becomes… [more playing with toys] his shield! Because… when he was an Escort, his roof was the shield. But his roof isn’t so long… isn’t so wide right now, so we had to give it… we had to make a lion out of it. And this is not a lion! I’m not a lion. [playing] Zoooom! Babboombaboombaboombaboombaboom. [voice becomes much more childlike as he plays] And a course… da pipes! Da pipes… da go… in robot mode dey’re like dis, but you gotta swup ‘em round when you… doin’na vehicle mode, udderwise… dey… drag ‘em off the ground. Just way they’re curved! So ayway… m..n.nn… [makes strange noises while playing with Son-Chu]

Soooo, let’s talk about the additional things that you get… .first off is I have st… sh… done the stuff I’ve shown in the last… pitcher on ma Facebook post, dis’ll be my face if I was an Autobot! [shows to camera, childlike voice again] Zoom in! [paws own face] Hope you all can see that okay. ‘s two cameras on this thing, so I’m just going with whatever. B’ayway, comic book canon, so you still have me as human, and uh… then I transform into… my Sonichu form, and then I go… and then I tell Son-chu, “hey par – hey Autobot friend, let’s g – let’s… g’bine forces!” And he says [deep voice] “Alright.” [back to childlike voice as he plays] So, addishally he go… open his neck ho’ and his head… will go down. He’s not a Titan Master, in da books, alright? An dis ashually works for real in… on da ashuall figure, I show ya. See? His… with the arms being wide enough, he ashually can… sit… tucked… like dat! [holds figure up, head falls out] [sigh] Why you misbehavin’ now on me, ‘vall times? [tries to fix toy] Come on. Come on… get in’nere… shtay in’nere. Shtay in’nere. You SHTAY! [high voice] You SHTAY! [holds up toy again, head falls out again] It works most’a da time. [sigh]

Ayway so… beside from that, dat closes on top, annnn… .so… I climb up around him and I… [childlike voice again] get ready to do a homing attack, and I Sonichu Form, and den I become my Autobot face! A-den… with da neck hole, being above his head, while his head is down ‘nere in da chest ‘n his body somewhere, VOOP! My head is on top of his head! Nyahaha! Joke! But… nothing sexual, o-kay? Leave it a‘dat.

[begins playing more with toys] So… first time I’m attached to Son-chu in dis way, s’like a… kinda a biddofa a God-master, ‘cause [cartoony voice] I AM GOD OF DIS DIMENSION OF CWCVIIIIILE, VIRGINIAAAA! Hey wait! First is, da rocket pack! As you seen in… various photos on Facebook! It look like a bob-sled! I had to des – I like da better design, dis way. O-kay? So, dis goes, onto his back, into this… [shoves at camera] that slot! Right dere. De middle piece! Goes dere. An… dis part, nyep, goes into his… bwoott! Goes into his bwooott! [means “butt”]

Aight, and… dis fin, dis spoiler here, goes on… top dere! And… you got wings! [his voice is disturbingly high pitched] Dey’re also guns! Dey go… on eedder side! And first time I attached to him, my Cherok – my Cherokian powers… t’sup bring all this force… into dat reality! [cartoony voice] So now… Son-chu can fly! But still… .there’s something that… only I ca – that he can only – da his body can do, only while ma head – while I’m attached to him. De Psychic-Normal and Electric attacks, of the – of my Sonichu form, for one thing, so [up goes that pitch again] dooowwwww, as a robot, Son-chu’s body can… .summon thunderbolts! ‘N thunderrrrrr! From da sky! Hyper Beam and… .levitating Psychic Attacks! Aaaaaand… .I pull out a lil bit of electricity and… he gets a sword! Alright? Yes it’s the [mountain dew?!!] Sword from Voyager Prime but, it works! [squeaky] It works! Lightning sword! [waves toy’s arms around]

And also sumthin’ else fun you can do with this sussessory, you can atta – which, you can do between Chromedome or Breakaway times… return figures… [does something to toy] looka dat! Makea look like… [up with voice pitch] ligh’nin comin throuuuugh! Da barrels of dese cannons an’nen… make it look like a taser gun! [makes shooting noises with mouth while moving toy] Electric taser attack! A’ere’s something I like-a do with de… silver guns, on dis t’ing… [adjusts toy] Now dere’s something kinda [cancer?!] about him dere! And… ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, boom boom boom! Aright?

[actual baby talking now] A we’p just put da wings back on ‘ere, because we’re gonna da FUN! Part… We’re y – now… we fly! [air whoosh with mouth, Mickey Mouse voice] Fly out from… da rocket pack! We flyyy! I belieeeeeve I can sooooaarrr… … [breaks piece off of toy, normal voice] an ‘nen ‘nat happened. His… [resumes Mickey Mouse voice] I wann’ned to put my haiiiiir into the wind! And lift my face up so I can see where I’m goin’, I BELIEEEEVE I CAN SOOO-OOO-OO-OOAR.

[adorable cat meowing] And dat would be Sorbet, meowing. [Sorbet says meowwww?]

Yeeeeeanyway, so, dat’s all de addishional features for Audobot Son-chu and… mm, unless I can get… a few more of dese swords, I have to get… .find something, or some – or somewhere, or somebody wit’ 3-D scanner printer… or if I can download 3-D scanner app to my phone, a better one, than S-Scan… 3D… like all the around photos and whatnot… sum’ better than that one, cause I tried it, it don’t work for me. Ayway, scan ‘nat, annn… also da bobsled! Ayup!

Unless I find somebody who can… put through da 3-D printer, who can do it for me imme’iately, I def’nly need to scan and print da bobsled, rocket pack! And by da way, when I ‘ttached it all, mm… [moves toy] dat to da side dere… [baby talk] my headmaster… my Titan Master self, me! I can ri – I can ride on it, like dat! Bit odd, but… you can see my… oh, my face. [plays with toy] Dey in dere, dey in dere! You stay! And… spoiler, goes inna hole, inna middle, right dere. ‘long with da [fire?] dat was in da back, dis sword goes dere! And… d’wings! Onna side! See? Dere’s my Titan Master Vehicle dat makes a big buncha add-on for Son-chu! [part of toy falls] My way, dese uh… dese two guns, wings? I got ‘em offa Shapeways. An ‘nat’s where I’m hopin’ to get 3-D Printer result of [holds bobsled thing] this, after I do a susessful scan of it. And I don’t have any CADD software on my laptop, cause if I – udderwise, if I did, den I probably would be able ‘a do this myself. Plus it’s been a few years since… got dat… diploma’n got dat degree and whatnot. [raspberry]

Whatever. So…[resumes childlike voice] talking ‘bout da Son – talking ‘bout, master da Son-Chu ratio, ‘dis’ll be…ashually first gif, I was standin’ next to Son-chu as a real-life Audobot, outside here [gestures to a window presumably], that’s about right! [squeaky voice, holding fingers to measure] he’d be dat much taller dan me! Lookadat! Hehe…dat’s funny. [sudden drop in pitch] That’s funny.

[sigh] Da dee da dee, I’m just puttin’ dis back in he lion mode, yeah…He da blue lion! Bur da bup bup burr [nonsense noises, raspberry]. Aright so ayway, dere’s dat bit of fun, innis, uh, livestream, dat will soon be…upload ta…[apelike head scratch] YouTube for permanent, and safe there…

Oh byway, I forgot to mention I wanted to get dis out da record, yeah. More than a month ago, I got free – I got offer for free LGBT [??] includin’ dis bracelet [shows bracelet], all I had to do was pay $2 shipping, and dis bracelet also got dis necklace [shows necklace] so…yeah, they’re jis…lil inexpensive things, that all I did was pay shipping for. They were free! So…[wags finger] no allegations, no suspicions dere.

[glances shiftily to the side] Of course one thing dat is true, de…earlier video, where m’mom talked about yes…we need more money in dis house! We mashed [managed] to get a little flow for de minimum…money amount for de…electric company, but…rest ‘a the month! I hate da second half of da month! We’re…[begins gesturing, voice rises in pitch] we had, alllll – we had, de money from Social Security, but den we spen’ it all on bills, ‘n food, to make sure we got enough from dis house and, pffffft! [gestures like he is flattening a balloon with his hands] An as for da sale of da totem [taps head with index finger like he’s explaining a brilliant idea], guess where dat – most of dat money went? More dan $700 bucks worth? [grabs phone, reads screen] De…t-shirts! And…Skylander functioning cards. Y’won’t believe me? Ummm…well let’s see, how ‘bout um…uh…twenty-five, times eighteen, plus…fi’teen, times fi’teen…[calculating on phone, mouth agape] and uh…did the Wi-Fi go wonky on me? I have two…Wi-Fi selections here…and de…[sigh] Xfiddy Wifi does not work good for me…uh no, dis is on de Home Wi-Fi…hmuh. Behave. Behave! Cause I must prove to dem…how much all dat was! Uh, behave! [baby-talk] Got on da store! [normal] and I’ve tried contactin’ ‘em so I could try’a…get a refund…but their…link on this email, yeah here we go, na’mean…yeah look at this, between shirts anna cards [holds bright phone to screen], bout…seven hunnit fifty bucks! Yeah, that’s where most’a that money went!

A’ma – months ago, months ago, my mom had to – golden Cleopatra necklace, but we had to sell it for money! And thanks to – thanks to this big sale I made, I was ab – I finally was able to replace dat! And so I did! And she’s a lot happier about it! And b’lieve it or not, the rest of it, uh…went towards…a couple’a big bills! Because I had – cause…I was on…de…[slams phone down] notice from two of my…credit accounts. Sshhhh! And den I bought…[glasses off] food! I bought lots of food! [very disturbed look on his face as though scared of how much food he bought] I bought enough I’gredients to make more fe’chini alfredo, and I’m gon’ make spaghetti an’ meatballs in da near future, and…try again at roast beef! Aright? We had roast beef again. And we did inespensively, from…Food Lion. It’s…still we lot – still – d and’nen more happened, yada yada, whole bunch more, I dunno, it’s all for me to look up on my statements, dat I’m not gonna share, because dat’s private, personal information – Sorbet, are you doin’ something over dere, messin’ with, uh…what the hell? Sorbet! [gets up from chair with difficulty] GET OUDDA THERE! GET OUDDA THERE!!! ‘Scuse me. Get…oudda there, boy! C’mon.

[static noises, choppy audio] gee- why – everything happening – bout over here…

IT’S NOT BEEN SUCH A GOOD FRIDAY FOR ME! God dangit! What’re you doing?! Nyah…GPS…[cat tail can be seen]

There…everything happened. Sorbet! Don’t mess with cables, I keep telling ya not to mess with da cables, boy! What’s wrong with you? [more choppy audio] geez…and you…electric shocks and whatever…and you gonna…things up…geez…

[sigh, sing-songy] THE THINGS I DO FOR LOOOVE! The things I do for love…[mumble] thought you were over here…

[sigh, sits back down while using Purell] Aright, so ‘side from that, where was I….right, so the sale of the, uh, stamp album…would be greatly appreciated, and a’course, das still the automatic win for…all that I mentioned earlier, it’s just a few more – it’s just only like a fraction a’dat. A small fraction – SORBET! Stop messing with things over there! Ayway, somebody ayway please buy the stamp album, thousand dollars, you get the album with allll the [splutters] stamps in there, ten buzz U.N. covers, and bonus…stamps in lil’ envelopes. [to cat] You’re startin’ to p – stop – nerp – yer gettin’ on my nerves boy, COME HERE! Come here. C’mere. [picks up cat, baby talk] Stay with me, aright? Stay with me so I know you’re not messing around. Nyeh…here Sorbet, he da boy! [Sorbet tries to bitchslap Chris but misses] Meow. You’re Sorbet. Aright now it’s a cat video! [Sorbet flails his paw] now dis is offishally a cat video, cause he…he da boy! [squeaky voice] he my little boy! Boy-boy-boy-boy-boy. Hwee-dawee-dawee-dawee-dawee-dawee. Wee…cute widdle sweet boy…yeeees, we love you…[bends to kiss Sorbet who is very unhappy, mutter mutter]

[A WILD BARB APPEARS, lingering in the doorway watching her tomgirl son molest the cat]

Alright… ayway, so what we talkin’ bout? Right, da sale of dat and…I still have a few pieces of Sonichu artwork dat I did back in 2014 dat I tried to sell on Ebay, didn’t sell…I still have dem, I’ll put ‘em back on dere, five heard [hundred] dollars apiece, no negotiations! Tryna get more money in this house, cause [turns head towards Barb and shouts] I’M DOIN ALL I CAN AROUND HERE, financial messes an everything, gaaaahhhhh!

Barb: We need…

Chris: We need! Hello! We’re live! On the air’net! Whaddaya want? Mom, hello.

Barb: We need a baaaaag of… cat food.

Chris: Dry cat food. Hokay! I’ll go out later and get some out of the little money we have left.

Barb: Use… my…

Chris: Yeah.

Barb: …new account.

Chris: Yes dear, I’ll come up and get dat… later. Sorbet, what’re you doing? Mmm… [lifts up object] what’re you doing, get away from dere. [mutters] Hokay, aything else?

Barb: No, what’re you doing?

Chris: Waaale, I’m doing the first fo’fficial Captain’s Log video, I’m livestreaming it! Go livestream instead of pre-recording so, y’know, we’re live on de Innernet! [points to camera] Smile for de… Playstation 4 camera!

[Barb gives a corpselike smile]

Chris: And den remind dem det… we could use a lot more money in dis house!

Barb: Okay.

Chris: [sigh] I been… venting about dat. A'yway. Well aright, I’ll go out later and get some k– get some more dry cat food.

Barb: Okay. [drifts away]

Chris: Aright so, dat’s…all that! And…dis is…raw stuff! Live…trum…Ruckasville, Virginia, it’s…Friday evening! And I think I’m gonna pre’y much end dis video right here, right now, uh…but just one more thing before we go, uh, one of my favorite, I’ve made dis up some time ago! Uh, tell it yourself, free of charge! In Germany, de freewhe – traffic, freeways over dere are called de Ottobon [Autobahn], so…hey dey hor’ back and dere in da day! Autobots and Decepticons…gotta go and say de Hitla, he say [squawk voice] “Bahn Fyur! [mein fuehrer] Dere is unt Audobot on zee Autobonn! Vhat do you think about dat? Ees okay, as long as not Decepticon!” And ‘nen dere’s a Decepticon on da Ottobon. “Mon Fyur! Dere is un da Decepticon on zee Autobonn!” [yelling in deep voice, holding up arm like a Hitler salute] “NUKE ‘EM! NUKE EEEEEEM! Nuke ‘em! Pffffffffffft.” ‘At’s what he would’a…done! And guess what we’re ha – guess what we’re doing nowadays with [high pitched voice] Mister foooooour by fiiiiive, number forty-five, iiiiiin de office. [deep voice] “Well suh, dere’s an Audobot on our American Audobon! Whaddaya think about dat?” [deeper voice] “Well dat’s alright, as long as ‘e’s not a Decepticon, mm, mmm. I like de Autobots, I like Optimus Prime, I drove inna Mack Truck once, vroooooom! Vroooooom.” “Op, I’m just getting word, I’m just getting word, now there is Deceptic – now there are Decepticons on our American Audobons!” [confused face] “Let’s send out fifty-nine nukular weapons on da mere America! No casualties req – supplemented whatsoever! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!” [suddenly a high pitched child voice] “Yeth Daddy, I want you to destroy da dark an Decepticons! Because of all de innocent civilians you have to hurt along da way!” [Chris glares at camera, sigh]

Damn Pmurt. And I gotta give a damn ta Ivanka as well, at one point I liked her and her husband cause they defenned de LGBTQ, but now she go say [child voice again] “Daddy, let’s bomb da hell out of Syria!” BOOOOM! Yeah, she en’t lookin’ so hot now. And…Trump’s still [makes strange noises] for America.

Aright ayway, dat’s my thoughts, tune in tomorrow night where I watch da 2015 episode of Sarday Night, streaming troo de Innernet, and y’all get live responses to dat. [salute] Thank you…goodnight.

[gets up from chair, turns off camera, a few seconds of The Playroom screen]