Mailbag 30

Mailbag 30 was uploaded to the CWCipedia 31 December 2009. Chris responded to it on 1 January 2010.

None of his answers were half as interesting as the fact that he had decided to advertise Coca-Cola at the top of the page, making it clear that Chris had no idea how advertising works. Highlights of this mailbag included Chris assuming nonsense about how great a father he'd be, and playing along with a troll pretending to be Meg Griffin. He also revealed that he was under the impression that gayness can be caught, and probably also cured, much like the common cold.

ACCIDENTALLY CRACK the parental lock code
From: hurdygurdy@doglover.com

Dear Chris

You completely ignored my question. If children are "channel surfing" and viewing adult programming, I am assuming they have cable. Therefore it is the parents' responsibility to lock those channels. Maybe your parents were bad parents and let you watch soft porn on HBO when you were sixteen but I lock those channels from my children. My children will never unlock them because they are well behaved. Only badly behaved spoiled brats would unlock cable to watch porn.

You have still failed to explain why Sonichu and Rosechu allow their children to watch unsuitable adult shows. Like I asked - and I want a straight answer this time - who explains to a three year old what pedophilia is?

I stand by my claim that Sonichu and Rosechu are bad parents and their children should go into care until you prove how letting children watch unsuitable adult programming is beneficial for them.@undefined

Sneezing spreads the gay
From: 

Greetings, Mister Chandler. My name is Davros Skaledthal. I am a geneticist, and I have a few questions after reading the latest issue of Sonichu. I deeply enjoy your comic, and especially the portrayal of Cwcville as a utopia. Every man should have a place to call his own, don't you agree?

First off, though, may I say how inspiring it is that you manage to make a high-quality page nearly every day. It must be incredibly taxing on you, but you seem to be coping admirably. Now, as to the questions.

1. You say that there is a 'gay gene' that can be cured. How exactly does this cure work, and which chromosome is said gay gene attached to?

2. As you have said in a previous mail post, you understand the basics of how evolution works. I'm not expecting you to discuss it at doctorate level of course, but as you know, a gene that is not used or is recessive does not transfer to the next generation. How then is the gay gene transmitted? Obviously every gay man or woman has two heterosexual parents, therefore the gay gene is not represented in either of them.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and I know this is asking rather much from you, so I apologize in advance, but would you please elaborate on each of these questions with at least one full sentence? If not, I completely understand. Genius must do as genius must.

Thank you for your time, Mister Chandler.

Eagerly awaiting your response, Davros Skaledthal@undefined

In which Chris plays along
From: Meg Griffin 

Why don't you come down to Quahog? We got, like, an animation fest coming up! You could come participate, show off your Sonichu and stuff, and, uhh... meet with me ;)

Meg Griffin.@undefined

In which Chris doesn't take shit under great consideration
From:

Hi, Chris! This is Jim Lee! I'm a professional comic artist who's worked for DC, Marvel, and !

Sorry about not including my email, but I'm a very busy man and I just barely have time to get in a few kind words for a budding young talent. Some of my friends have linked me comic pages you've done and I have to say you're doing extremely well for a kid your age! Most eight-year-olds don't have the focus for one comic's worth of material, let alone several hundred pages' worth! That shows a great deal of dedication!

You've got a long way to go, but don't we all? I'm 45, I've been drawing comics professionally since I was 25, and I still feel like greatness is just ahead of me. I've won the and drew the best-selling comic issue in history, but I can't let that get to me. If I ever slow down or give in to temptation to slack off, I'll squander all the goowill and fandom I've got, and I can't let that happen. With a couple more decades under your belt, you can stand alongside the greats with pride.

Just a few tips: 1) Get used to drawing your own characters, not just Sonic in different colors. It's nice to draw for comics you love, but you've got to show you can create your own characters too. 2) Don't just imitate your favorite artists' style, try and find your own. 3) Draw from life, every day; draw every day, period! Last, don't forget to look up some really good book on how-to-draw; I recommend "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain," "Drawing Comics the Marvel Way!", and "Making Comics" by Scott McCloud. Those are great books and they'll teach you a lot about how the pros do it.

Keep reaching for the dream, Chris!

--Jim Lee@undefined

Chris quit guzzling cum
From: adam roa  Hello Christian.

I have two questions. Firstly, I appreciate the level of detail and emotion you bring to the action scenes in the Sonichu comic. From panel to panel it's always a thrill-ride and I can barely contain myself as a reader. When I think back at how many memorable and exhilarating fight scenes have taken place over the years, I am overwhelmed and awe-struck. Such brilliant action, such incredible pacing, such sublime storytelling. So my first question is this: Which fight scene is your personal favorite? I must confess, I most enjoy the battle in issue 5... "*Lock-On* *Fire Blast + Flamethrower* Yikes! Sweet! Pffft... What the flame happened?"

And my second question is, do you still drink your own semen?

Thanks for keeping on,

Adam@undefined

FUCK YEAH BILL
From: Bill The Scientist  Hey CWC,

Bill the Scientist here,as well as the Boulder Dropping Whale and Yawning Squirtle.

We have legions of fans and we feel that we should have our own series of comics, or if not, at least we should feature more in the Sonichu comics. Ask your fanbase, we're the most popular characters!

We hope you consider this suggestion, Sincerely, Bill the Scientist@undefined

Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement
From: 'Sonichu's Biggest Gay Fan' 

Dear Chris,

I wrote but you still ain't callin! I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom. I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not have got 'em... There probably was a problem with the hosting provider or something? Sometimes I type addresses too sloppy when I post 'em...

But anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man, do you still "hate" us homos? My boyfriend wants us to adopt a kid, I'm about to be a gay father! If we adopt a daughter, guess what I'ma call her? I'ma name her Rosey!

I read about your fan Ryan Cash, I'm sorry. I had a gay friend kill himself over some dude who didn't want him...

I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your Biggest Gay Fan! I even watched that hilarious rap that you did for Parappa. I got a room full of home-made posters with your drawings, man. I like the shit you did with LBP, too, that shit was phat!

Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your Biggest Gay Fan,

This is Stan.@undefined

In which Chris rejects excellent advice for the Nth time.
From: Jacob N. 

Good day, Chris!

"You are asking me to take Wild's girlfriend and Sweetheart away from him. Do not be such a monster." I'm afraid that he's in the right, Chris. You're experiencing what many comic companies suffer--what you might call "rights syndrome." When you use someone else's character, they still have the rights to that character, and what they say, goes. If you make any permanent changes to the character, you must get permission, and if the rights holder wants you to kill off or retire that character, you must.

This is why "shared universes" are so difficult to manage. Because Evang-y created Simonchu, he has the right to withdraw him from the setting. Seeing as how you also changed Simonchu's gender without permission, that's already a strike against you. You should fulfill your obligation as writer and creator and listen to Evang-y. This happens all the time. There's no easy fix, either. You should also be thankful that Evang-y has allowed you to keep Simonchu/"Simonla's" previous appearances, because otherwise you would have to redraw and rewrite those comics to exclude Simonla if he just wanted her retconned out!

As for Wild losing his "sweetheart," don't look at it as him "losing a sweetheart," but you gaining a whole metric ton of storytelling opportunities! Hardship and difficulty is the backbone of storytelling. You could devote an entire issue to the story of Simonla's final battles and death, then whole issues afterward about the aftermath of the event, especially Wild's reaction. The Sonichu comics are lacking in any sort of pathos. Comic-Chris doesn't seem to care a bit about his various sweethearts being killed or leaving, the entire team has forgotten about Crystal, and even Blake being raped by Silvana has been glossed over. (Having sex with someone under false pretenses, e.g. posing as someone they love even though they're not, is most definitely a rape.) Wild's true love being killed isn't something you can just gloss over. It will allow for all kinds of character growth and change--storytelling gold! Don't think of it as being "a monster" to Wild, think of it as tough love to make him better as a character.

I like my characters too, but it's not entertaining at all if the only changes that happen to them are for the better. Every character is defined as much, if not more, by loss than by gain, by their weaknesses as much as their strengths. If hadn't used his superhuman talents for petty gain, his uncle wouldn't have died; it's his grief over his uncle's death and shame over his selfishness that motivates him into becoming one of the greatest superheroes of all time, Spider-Man. It's his constant struggle between selfish gain and the greater good that makes him so entertaining, so fascinating, so well-rounded a character. When people try to make him less complex and more happy, as with the fiasco, it backfires dreadfully. You shouldn't be afraid to put your characters through the wringer... and in this case, you don't really have a choice, do you?

Good day to you, Chris.

--Jacob Nathaniel Lights-in-the-Sky of the Cherokee Nation@undefined

Chris is rubber, you are glue
From: Sean Watley  Chris,

What's it like not having a conscience? It's pretty obvious that you're incapable of feeling guilt or remorse or even empathizing with other people. You drew pornography of your best friend, published it on the internet to prove some stupid point or affirm your manliness, and you only felt bad because Megan Schroeder stopped talking to you afterwards. You only befriend women because you want to have sex with them (some people would call this "nice guy" syndrome, but I think that it speaks to something much darker). And it's quite evident you're more interested in finding a woman to mooch off of when your parents die than entering into a relationship out of love. You're incapable of love because you only love yourself.

For somebody with "autism" you sure don't know a lot about it. I mean, you get basic facts about the disorder wrong, and become infuriated when people try to correct you. For starters, "High-functioning autism" isn't a formal diagnosis, and Asperger's Syndrome and autism are on the same spectrum. I think you found out about autism sometime in your teens and started using it as an excuse for your immaturity, lack of empathy, selfishness and disturbed behavior, and took the scam further in adulthood by getting disability money out of it. People with autism recognize they have limitations and get help to overcome or work around those limitations. Despite their autism they put forth effort to survive in a world they do not understand.

Autistic people don't run over small animals repeatedly and call it "the highlight of their day." Autistic people don't try to impersonate a woman's boyfriend and lure that woman to their home so they can rape them. Autistic people don't go around saying they want to force sex on their pastoral counselor. Autistic people don't steal their elderly parents' credit cards to finance their video game addiction. Autistic people don't commit fraud by purchasing Guitar Hero track packs from stores, using the codes to download the content, and then returning them for a refund or selling them on eBay, which is fraud. And they certainly don't brag about it in YouTube videos. Where did that big TV in your room come from, Chris? Did you steal that, too?

You constantly talk about murder and death in your videos. You fired up the video camera on Christmas Day to record more death threats. You suggest that people kill themselves because you don't like them. You sing along to Insane Clown Posse, (which is disturbing since you're almost 30) a group that makes light out of gruesome murder. You gave a "shout out" to the Columbine killers. And don't pretend you don't know who they are, you were enrolled in high school at the time of the massacre and there's no way you couldn't have heard about it, no matter how sheltered you were. And these are things you've done over the past few weeks.

The whole "Sonichu" thing and you acting like a bumbling, ignorant manchild is just an act, right? No 27-year-old would wear a cartoon medallion out in public and dress up like a mentally retarded person and film themselves playing house with Legos. This is an obvious charade: faking autism as an excuse for your horrific behavior and for disability money so you can sit in a room full of toys and play video games all day, and your only goal in life is finding a woman (or a guy) you can exploit sexually and financially. Doing what you're doing is extremely offensive to people who actually have autism and don't act anything like you. You obviously don't give a shit about them since you refuse to associate with anyone with autism, possibly out of a fear of getting caught.

I think you're a, Christian Weston Chandler, and the fact that you will once again avoid responsibility for your actions by refusing to read or answer this will only confirm my suspicions.

Have a nice day,

Sean August Watley@undefined