To Clyde and Jack

To Clyde and Jack (originally posted as To Clyde and Jack.MOV) is a video uploaded by Chris on 27 December 2009. Chris tells both Jack Thaddeus and Clyde Cash to commit suicide and burn in hell. Chris continues to be butt-hurt over homosexuals, telling Jack and Clyde that they are hurting the cause of gay rights and claiming he has "Gay Friends". Then he reminds us to stay straight.

Chris spends much of this video scratching himself with alarming frequency, pausing at least 12 times to scratch, adjust his collar, hitch up his pants, or otherwise address some source of discomfort. The cause remains unknown, but it should be noted that Chris has worn the same long-sleeved polo shirt now for four days straight.

Video
"You're not putting any of those people in bright light! If anything, you're making the light of homosexuality so much God-damn worse!"

Transcript
Uhh, this is not a canon Captain's Log, but I have a statement that I feel like I need to make. Both... Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus. This message goes to them!

You both think you're so tough. You both think you're so righteous because you're trying to overthrow somebody who hates homosexuals. You know what? I'm okay with associating with homosexuals, but I—not be—but the—not beyond f-friendship. I'll-I'll be willing to be friends with homosexuals, I even have a gal pal who's a lesbian. As a—and she's a good friend, as well! But I'm just saying [gestures wildly] nothing further with the male homosexuals!

And as long as they keep it behind their closed doors, I don't give a damn.

And both of you, Jack and Clyde. Both of y'all want me to like homosexuals more, a little bit, but you—both of you—you're not—put'n, the aspect of anybody, within that—within that lifes-w-w-wh—who's living that lifesty—who's living that lifestyle. You're not putting any of those people in bright light! If anything, you're making the light of homosexuality so much God-damn worse! You both are definitely evil seeds that just need to be put into hell!

So not only would you be would both you Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus, be doin' me a favor, but you'd be doing your whole God-dang homosexuality community a favor, by committing suicide, killing yourselves and rotting in hell!

And Vivian, I'm sorry about saying that about your cousin, but that's just the way I feel! I got nothing against you Vivian.

[brief pause wherein Chris scratches himself and sighs]

Anyway, that's the way I feel. Both of you two can just go rot in hell, for all I care. And for the whole world who care—and for whole world s—s—cares.

Also I just want to remind everybody that, uh, the revised version of the text that's on that God-dang Encyclopedia Dramatica page is up on the CWCipedia. You find a link to it under the portal on the CWCipedia. That's all I will say about that.

So that's just my point—that's just all those-p-all my views, and how—what's actually true and false, and exaggerated, from within tha—all that text. Right.

[raises hands, closes eyes] Okay, well, to most everyone, [sigh] stay straight and not being swayed any other direction. That's me. Alright. [flashes peace sign] Have a good day, most of you. And Jack and Cl-Clyde, yeah, suicide, death, rot in hell.