Sonichu 5

"EebeeFleebie05"

- Chris's title for his file of the comic

Sonichu #5 is the sixth issue of the Sonichu comic series.

By this point in his life Chris was obsessed with Megan, and it's painfully obvious in this issue. For one thing, he's suddenly using Yu-Gi-Oh! cards all the damn time. Chris brushes premises like his Love Quest and the Chris/Wes/Sarah Hammer triangle under the rug so that he can introduce Sailor Megtune and the storyline that she is clearly meant to be Chris's sweetheart but is mysteriously uncomfortable with his affections. Reading Megan's dialogue in this issue suggests he has no earthly idea why she would refuse his advances, and Chris doesn't even invent a fictional explanation for the sake of drama.

Episode 13 introduces the first major multi-issue story arc, in which Mary Lee Walsh finally sets her sights higher than assaulting a single moron and instead invades his entire town, CWCville, as well imprisoning his sister in a dark mirror. The elements introduced here would continue to play out until Walsh's final defeat in Episode 21.

This issue also abandons any pretense of featuring Sonichu in any meaningful role. In commentary on the Sonichu 5 Videobook, Chris explains that his mom has forbidden him from writing any more Sub-Episodes about his real life, so he does the only logical thing: he makes his life the main Episode. Whereas issues Sonichu #2 and Sonichu #3 set Sonichu aside to introduce new characters, and Sonichu #4 was a special focusing on Chris, Sonichu #5 is simply a blatant and unjustified spotlight on Chris, with the titular character of the franchise taking a back seat to him, Megan, and even a dead dog.

Episode 12: Christian Chandler in "My Best Friend's Cherokian Wedding"
The first half of the comic stars Chris as he saves Sarah Hammer's wedding from the evil Wes Iseli. The story is a sort of coda to the Sub-Episodes of Sonichu #4, with Chris introducing Megan Schroeder as his new love interest. The entire wedding plot seems to be simply a means of writing Sarah Hammer out of the story so Megan can take her place, necessitating a hasty euthanization of the Anchuent Powers storyline since Sarah is no longer a suitable romantic interest.

Much of the comic seems to have been made the way it was for the sake of wooing weeaboo and one-time potential sweetheart Megan, including altering the artwork to a more manga-esque style. The terminology of the dialogue also reflects this; the term "Sailor Soldier", a more accurate translation of the lead team in Sailor Moon, is used instead of the traditional term "Sailor Scout", a piece of trivia Megan presumably gave him as Chris uses Sailor Moon as little more than a totem of heterosexuality. Having turned Megan into a glamorous hero, Chris then sees fit to unambiguously profess his romantic attraction to her, which probably did little to improve their real-life friendship.

While past issues of Sonichu have featured embellished versions of Chris's real-life exploits, it was generally obvious what had actually taken place, whereas the truth behind this story is less clear. The fact that Chris attends the wedding "in spirit" in the comic suggests that he was never actually there at all in real life. In the videobook version of the episode, Chris even states that the reason why he is initially invisible while attending Sarah's wedding is that he wasn't invited to it; it can be reasonably assumed that this statement applies to both comics and real life.

It's not as though Sarah would have had any desire or obligation to invite a sex-obsessed former neighbor anyway. Other reasons for believing that Chris was not present at Sarah's wedding include his ignorance of wedding traditions (the bride isn't supposed to throw the bouquet to any specific person, and catching the bouquet only means you are more likely to be married if you are a woman), and the lack of detail in the depiction of the wedding itself. The guests are literally white circles above chairs, which could also be attributed to Chris's work ethic, but Spicer is "played" by a fictional character, suggesting Chris has never seen the man, and the chapel looks suspiciously similar to one seen in the final scene of the Excel Saga anime.

Chris catches the bouquet at the end and implies that it heralds his incipient romance with Megan.

Synopsis
Chris opens the story by announcing that "Jack's Knight", a character from a Yu-Gi-Oh! card, will be playing the part of William Spicer.

In a nondescript chapel, Sarah Hammer is marrying Spicer before a gathering of white, humanoid blobs sitting in the pews (with one possible colored person, but Chris may have colored over them on accident). Also present is Chris, floating invisibly above the proceedings. For some reason, they left the door open to the church, and Wes-Li Sonichu observes from the open doorway. Still bitter over Sarah rejecting him in Sonichu #2, he plans to take revenge.

From his vantage, Chris ponders the new life awaiting his childhood friend. For some reason, he's using the powers of his medallion to attend the ceremony invisibly, and he regrets being unable to stay long enough to catch the bouquet, even though that's a tradition for the women of the wedding, and they probably wouldn't want some overweight, smelly man there to grab the bouquet and throw a fit when he doesn't/hit on the lucky catcher.

When the first version of this comic was published, it was not explained why Chris attends the wedding in secret or why was he planning to stay for only a part of it. However, in the videobook version of this episode, Chris states that he attends the wedding invisible due to not being invited to it. Which is weird Chris would not write himself as part of the wedding, or even as her "Maid of Honor", given that Sarah/Nicole constantly refers to him as 'best friend', and is supposed to be his reincarnated wife. Also, the fact Sarah/Nicole is later seen as Chris's "best man" in Sonichu Special 2, but that's another story.

More important to Chris is his recent friendship with a "real super girl" whom he compares his feelings to her to "A strong, pure love sweeter than a passionate strawberry, or the sweetest piece of chocolate". His reverie is cut short, however, when his sixth sense alerts him to Wes-Li's attack on William Spicer and his abduction of Sarah.

Determined to prevent this, Chris uses his Duel Disk Launcher to "play a 'reasoning'" (read: reason with Wes). Telepathically, he tries to talk Wes out of his plan, pointing out that there are other girls behind the "light magical curtain" (advice Chris falls to listen to himself). But, since Wes has no "conseince," he attacks Spicer anyway, forcing Chris to reveal himself and transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu.

Still fantasizing about Megan, Chris tries to convince Wes to stand down. Wes brutally beats him into a mess instead and races out of the chapel with Sarah over his shoulder. Foolishly not wearing her Cherokian bracelets, Sarah is unable to summon the powers of Saramah Rosechu to defend herself. Or due to the fact she is a girl and needs a man to save her, being reduced to a typical 'Sonichu' female.

The guests, apparently nonplussed to see Chris appear in the middle of the chapel and turn into a magic hedgehog, implore him to rescue Sarah. Chris responds by spouting even more collectible card game rhetoric, which somehow rejuvenates him. Chris catches up to Wes, and continues to define their battle in terms of Yu-Gi-Oh! dueling, even though Wes has no cards, isn't interested in playing, and refuses to "take turns".

Chris eventually uses an extremely convenient and specific card that teleports Sarah out of Wes's dire clutches and into his own, and he speeds back to the church. Wes attempts to stop them, but his attack backfires thanks to the timely interference of Sailor Megtune and her bulldyke familiar Megagi La Skunk. Megtune somehow uses a guitar to repel Wes-Li's attacks and defeat him (no word as to whether or not the real Megan plays guitar). Chris goes wild with lust at the sight of her assaulting Wes-Li, raising his health points. Megagi forcefully reminds Chris to finish Wes off and to stop "oogling her maternal creator", although Megtune's attacks have left him lying facefirst in the ground. As a "coup de grace", Chris uses a lightning bolt as a golf club and putts Wes-Li into a black hole, and declares their "duel" to be over, apparently qualifying a 3-on-1 gang stomping as a duel, which is one on one, sometimes two on two.

Afterward, Chris has returned to his human form, apparently loitering at the church and wondering why Megan refuses to even talk to him except by e-mail. Sarah throws him the bridal bouquet as a token of her appreciation of their long friendship.

Chris closes by noting that "catching a bride's bouquet is a sign meaning a strong chance of marriage for you within a few years", failing to realize that this tradition applies to women, whereas the men are supposed to catch the bridal garter thrown by the groom.

Analysis
And with that, the main plot that was set up in issue 2 is gone, despite all its build-up, just so Chris can create a new love interest. Wes-Li turning evil is never explained, the artwork is as lazy as ever, and Chris probably never went to the actual wedding.

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Episode 13: "Smashed Hearts & Entrapment"
The rest of the issue sees Chris battle a full-scale invasion of CWCville. Crystal becomes trapped in the Dark Mirror Hole, a plot twist Chris seems to have devised purely to make himself more sympathetic to Megan in the comic, except that it was an imaginary Megan taking imaginary pity on Chris for the loss of his imaginary twin sister. In spite of the story's notional separation from reality, Chris altered the part where Megan hugs him, probably because of objections by the real Megan.

Episode 13 also features some hilariously ill-conceived retroactive continuity to tone down Chris's none-too-subtle sexualization of Meg-chan. On the original Page 50, Megtune comforts and embraces Chris, expressing her relief that Chris is safe, and apologizing that she couldn't help his sister. Ever the class act, Chris throws in some upskirt fanservice.

There seems to have been some conflict of interests over page 50, and so Chris retconned a disclaimer into page 51 of this version, with Rosechu needlessly assuring the reader that the depicted hug didn't occur in reality: "Hey-Ay! My papa asked me to set the record straight ... hey, sweet hug on the last page, but I'm afraid it didn't happen for real; you know with his wishful thinkin', but seriously, they are super-cool with each-other, and Papa C. really loves Megan. Okay, cool? Raight! Be sure to check out the ending in the next issue! C-ya!"

- Rosechu, even less coherent than usual

This seems to imply Chris believes people who read Sonichu believe it depicts real-life events. No one needs a disclaimer to explain that Megan doesn't wear a outfit and fight crime with Sonic recolors all day. Ultimately, Chris scrapped the original page 50 altogether and replaced it with a more passive-aggressive version of Megan's reaction.

Most likely, the revisions occurred shortly after the comic was completed. Chris dates the final page "June 20, 2006". On June 25, Megan told Chris to back off, and this probably marked the beginning of Chris's attempts to modify his portrayal of Megan in the comic to appease her. Sonichu #6 would mark Megtune's final appearance in the series, replaced by a plainclothes version of Megan, and as of Sonichu #7 she simply is never seen or referred to again. Megagi, however, is kept around at least until the tenth issue, although once Megan is gone Megagi becomes a brainless sex doll as per Chris's ideas about women. The once tomboy sailor scout who actually fought crime became reduced to Bionic's cheerleader, cheer outfit, pom-poms and all.

Synopsis
In CWCville Park, a man in a brown uniform attacks a couple before they can have their first kiss. At a coffee shop, a man in a red uniform tasers one of the customers before he can confess his feelings to his true love. Elsewhere in town, a white-uniformed man beats a couple for holding hands, citing the law of Mary Lee Walsh.

As the crisis deepens within the city, its mayor and 'greatest hero' (next to Chris) are goofing off at the mall talking about Chris's love for Megan. While Chris had complained in Episode 12 that Megan had been standoffish towards him, he seems totally optimistic about his prospects when discussing things with Sonichu. Chris even admits that he stopped using his Attraction Sign since meeting Megan, a sign of his complete confidence in their relationship. He speaks disparagingly of the Sign, but he would be making use of it again before long.

Finally, DJ Jamsta (whose job it apparently is) announces over the radio that Jerkops have invaded CWCville, and pleads for Chris and Sonichu to get off their asses and do something about it. Chris is amazed that his arch-enemy has recovered so quickly from her defeat in the last issue, and recalls how he educated the populace to know the difference between CWCville's (absent until this episode) police force and the Jerkops. Surprisingly, Chris has a positive opinion about CWCVille police- possibly because REAL cops would stop him for preying on women at local shops and being a public nuisance, where his version of cops turn a blind eye.

Meanwhile, Mary Lee Walsh has assembled her Jerkop army in a standoff with the CWCville police. Together, she and Count Graduon wait for Chris to arrive. Their plan is simple: during the battle, Chris will be lured into a certain part of the road, where they have hidden the Dark Mirror Hole. Once trapped inside the magic mirror, Chris will not only be unable to prevent PVCC's conquest of CWCville, but the immersion of his Medallion in the Dark Mirror will awaken the dormant evil within Naitsirhc Giovanni, although it's unclear whether or not Mary knows this.

In what can only be described as a tactical blunder, Chris orders his police force to evacuate the area and clear out, leaving him and his squad to repel the invaders. Chris summons the Chaotic Combo, Rosechu, and his sister Crystal, while he transforms into Chris-Chan Sonichu. *note: before the summon, Rosechu is shopping, Bubble and Angelica were having a tea party, and Crystal was having fun perfume sampling*

Standing united, the nine Electric Hedgehog Pokémon demand that Mary withdraw. Walsh unsurprisingly does not oblige them and summons the giant CADD Chef, Keneru Meneth, to destroy Chris. Chris orders Crystal to help him battle the CADD Chef and sends the rest of his forces to battle the Jerkop Army. Chris's failure to reckon with the power of Walsh and Graduon proves disastrous, as they attack Chris and Crystal, frustrating their efforts to battle the giant robot.

Fortunately, Sailor Megtune and her butch underling Megagi arrive to bail their asses out yet again. Megtune defeats the CADD Chef with one blow, yet once again asks Chris to finish it off anyway. Chris and Crystal use their ultimate attack, the Chrs-Chan Pure Pulse-Jolt Lance to destroy the CADD Chef completely. As Sonichu's forces have made short work of the Jerkops, Chris turns to deal with the remaining threat of Walsh and Graduon. But before he can fire the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha, Graduon springs the trap, and Chris sinks into the Dark Mirror Hole. Only the timely assistance of Crystal and Megtune prevents him from falling all the way in, as they grab his hands to keep him from descending further into the lightless dimension.

As the Medallion enters the Dark Mirror, Naitsirhc Giovanni senses Chris's thoughts, and a Black Sonichu Medallion appears over his chest. Overcome with pain, he undergoes a strange transformation. When Black Sonichu walks by his room, he mistakes Naitsirhc for Chris and is horrified to see what his master has become.

In CWCville, Mary and Graduon attempt to flip the mirror, causing Megtune and Crystal to trade places with Chris and become trapped in the mirror themselves. Sensing this at the last second, Crystal hurls Megtune clear, so that only she is trapped (possibly the only true act of heroism in the comic that wasn't selfish). Mary quickly collects the Dark Mirror, holding Crystal hostage as Chris and the others look on, powerless to save her. The story continues in Episode 14, featured in Sonichu 6.

CWC's Art Gallery!
Sailor Moon, by guest artist Megan Schroeder.

Back Cover
As with Sonichu #2, early editions feature the personal army request page, while the version uploaded to the CWCipedia features an ad for Sonichu Adventure.