Mailbag 31

Mailbag 31 was uploaded to the CWCipedia 31 December 2009. On 1 January 2010, Chris answered the questions (which require far less reading) but not the letters. Shortly afterward, CWCipedia was issued cease and desist letters from both Coca-Cola and 20th Century Fox for Chris's unauthorized placement of ads that suggested that Coke and the movie Avatar endorsed his bigoted views.

Chris answered the letters on 4 January. Compared to most other mailbags, his answers were slightly more in depth and vastly more disturbing. The most outlandish response was that he intended to make good on his promise to film his first time, even if his sweetheart disagreed. Chris also stated that he would rather let an innocent man die than have gay sex, implied that he expects God and Jesus to personally inform him whenever he's in error, and told us all that Magi-Chan psychically watches everybody in CWCville have sex, so anybody doing it wrong can be arrested. Worst of all, he stated that the punishment of any sort of sexual violation, including child rape, is a $500 fine! Asperchu makes a special guest appearance, which goes a long way to make the whole ordeal more bearable.

If your kids are 16 or 17, you should watch porn with them
From: 

Hi Chris! I just wanted to let you know that my kids and I are HUGE fans of your comic. I read a page to them every night before their bedtime. But in mailbag 23 you stated that it would be ok for kids to watch adult things with parental supervision. Does this mean that it would be ok for them to watch pornography with me? It's not like I'd be touching them or molesting them. I also wouldn't be jerking off- I just like watching girls & guys get it on with each other. I think it'd be pretty educational for them. They'd get to know where babies come from and I'd get to watch my porn without worrying about them walking in- they'd already be there! As long as I explain it to them, it's ok- right? I started doing this already and my kids haven't complained or anything! I've told all of my fellow fathers about your advice and they've already started doing it as well! Thanks Chris!!

Mike@undefined

Genuinely hand-drawn
From: Kevin Sevakis  Hey, CWC. If you put the words of the comic on the computer, why don't you just color the comic on the computer, too?@undefined

Blake has a very deep individual
From: kawaiinamine32@aol.com

Good day, Mr. Chandler. I have a few questions for you... 1) Seeing one of your answers from Mailbag 19, I have to ask, Do you really think of or see people with Asperger's Syndrome as "Competing Retards"? 2) What the hell is up with Black Sonichu/Blachu/Blake!? (He started out as a badass, now he's just pathetic...) 3) Is Sonichu really aimed towards children? (from all the pages I've read, it would be, at least TV MA...too mature for children.)@undefined

Chris and web design
From: alphard@conexao-br.net

Hey, CWC. I've heard that you're pretty good with HTML, so... What do you think about HTML5 and CSS3? Do you often use XHTML? And do you follow the W3C specifications correctly?@undefined

Magi-Chan knows when you fuck
From: hyle.19@gmail.com

Dear Chris,

Why are homosexual women morally superior to homosexual men? If it is because of the, would you also support the exile of a couple who have sexual relations while the woman is menstruating? (Leviticus 20:18) Does Cwcville have sex laws? How are these laws enforced?

Yours, Caitlin@undefined

Lies and damned lies
From: 

Dear Chris,

Why don't you ever offer well-thought out answers to the questions you are asked? It seems that people put a lot of effort into their questions, but you only spend a minute (or less) answering each. Do you really think that's fair to your fans? It's not like you're very busy or anything, or have thousands of questions to answer. Don't you think you owe your fans a little bit more?

-Zoie@undefined

In which Chris crosses yet another line
From: Frank Marks 

What if the girl(or guy) you want to take your virginity doesn't want to be videotaped? Not everyone goes for that. And you seem to be more concerned with proving that you're straight than the pleasure you would get from having sex. And you didn't answer that one guy's question about asexual people.

Frank Marks@undefined

''The earlier question about asexuality can be found here. Chris altered it the night these answers went up, copy-pasting the answer found here.''

Fox news
From: Jorge Lopez  In Mailbag 28, you say you respected Bush because "he made some good decisions." Please elaborate on this. What decisions did he make that you thought were good (and why were they good, in your opinion)?@undefined

Chris apparently doesn't understand that cutting taxes only benefits those who actually have a job and an income, and makes less money available for his tugboat.

Return of the king
From:  I never wrote a novel called Vertigo. I did write the other novels you mentioned, though. But those were a long time ago. I used to be famous once - not anymore though. My novels don't sell a tenth of the copies they used to. Can't you see that I am desperate? I used to drink and do drugs when I couldn't write. This helped me in the 80s, but I won't do that anymore. I feel like my head is going blank, like there's an empty area where my creativity used to be.

Even in the best of times, I was never the greatest writer in the world. You are not the best either. But AT LEAST you have the passion and raw potential. And creativity. I just... don't seem to have that anymore. Funny. I never knew it was there until it was gone. Ideas just used to come to me, you know? Now, no matter how hard I try... nothing. Nothing comes out. I stare at the blank screen for HOURS, and I don't get a single idea. I spend more and more time on the internet. One day, I stumbled upon your site. It was something new and refreshing. I saw that you upload a new page EVERY DAY. I was amazed at such efficiency. You don't know how lucky you are to have so many ideas.

I asked you for help, but you gave me skepticism. I shouldn't be surprised though. This has happened to me before. Some time ago, I went into a book store in Australia unannounced, and started signing some of my books. The people there thought I was a VANDAL.

Here's a link on the incident: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2007/08/16/2006725.htm

I hope you see that I am the true and honest (as you say) Stephen King.

God bless, and I wish you all the best.

Stephen Edwin King.@undefined Chris added a reply template to this letter, but failed to actually answer it.

Patti dug herself up
From: takemybythehand2@aol.com

So is Patti a ghost or a zombie in the comic? because she's dead, yet she's still talking to people, so is she a ghost or zombie?@undefined

Chris tackles the hard issues
From: jackleapps@aol.com

What's your stance on the immigration issues in America?@undefined

In which Chris hypothetically murders someone
From: J D 

Hi Chris, I'm a big fan of your work, and I share your views on homosexuality-- a topic which seems to pop up frequently in the mailbag.

A friend of mine recently posed me a moral question, which I thought was pretty interesting: If you could save the life of a person you didn't know by having gay sex, would you do it? It's an interesting moral dilemma. Personally, I couldn't think of anything more repulsive in the world than having gay sex, but to save the life of a random person, I might actually do it. But I haven't quite made up my mind. How would you respond to this question? Would you have gay sex to save someone's life? Of course, this is a hypothetical situation and would probably never happen in real life, but I'm curious as to how you'd deal with it?

JD@undefined

Chris does not atone
From: creampie4sonichu@aol.com

hello mr chandler my is and me and me fellow gay associates find sonicu to be a BIG testament to the gay community. We just love the way you lace each of your comics with gay tributes and etc. One thing that we really love is how you protray sonichu as a man struggling with his sexuality. On the outside he is "happily" married to rosechu but on the inside he is ready to come out. We have already figure out sonichus secret gay lover is magichan sonichu i mean magichan is purple (one of us gays most fabolous colors) he has no woman and he is mysterious. we can wait till you make sonichu and magichan and offical couple on your pages. Oh yeah me and my friend would like to invite you and another person to our gay club where we are going to have a sonichu theme party. We are going to pay your way here cause it would be a honor to have the man who made sonichu to be here. Who knows you might just find your significant other at this party. Once again thanks for makin sonichu for us gays to enjoy.@undefined

God and Jesus have not yet told Chris to give it a rest
From: 

What the hell is with the whole idea of brainwashing homosexuals into being straight? It isn't a choice for them, it's not like they woke up one morning and said "You know what? I feel like bumming a fellow male today and see if I like it!" It's who they are and they can't help that! The whole idea of forcing them into something they are not is just wrong! It would be like if someone rounded up everyone who had any form of autism and put them into a mental institution. What gives you the right to change other people into something they aren't? The hell is wrong with you? -Trevor P.S. You didn't bother answering the part of my previous email which asked you what you would think God and Jesus would think of your death threat to Jack.@undefined

Asperchu is the shit
From: Alec-chan Asperchu 

Christian,

Thank you for accepting myself as a fellow Titan in the ranks of comic drawing! It is good to know that I have reached the top rank. I am currently in talks with the fellows on the Cartoon Network to possibly do a series of ASPERCHU-based short cartoons (3-5 minutes) that will air during their Adult Swim Broadcast; telling them that you have given me the Blessing as a Professional Artist will speed up the talks most certainly. Thank you as well for providing such a detailed answer to my question. I confess that You have confused me greatly. You say several things that make me wonder what it is you mean, and I would like if you can clarify.

For example, You say the sentence "Aspergers supposed being similar to Autism, which although I have accepted that, I still disagree heavily on it being even ASSOCIATED with Autism as a type. Aspergers is NOT a Type Of Autism Whatsoever." Now, in the first part of that sentence, you say that you have accepted that the Aspergers is similar to the Autism, but in the next several words you say that Aspergers is NOT related to Autism. Your sentence has two parts, which each contradict the other.

In another part of your response, You say that "I accept no relation between [Asperchu] and my works and characters, and with that I stand behind my statement of and labeling of Asperchu as a Parody." Now, this confuses me because a parody by definition is RELATED to its parent work, as parody is a deliberate imitation of the work on which it is based, yet you say that my ASPERCHU is not at all related to your Sonichu. That is true - My ASPERCHU is in fact my own ORIGINAL creation and not in any way related to your Sonichu. But then only several words after admitting this, you say that you stand behind your belief that ASPERCHU is a parody of Sonichu. I do believe that perhaps you do not have the good understanding of just what a Parody really is, and my attempt to show you through drawing an actual parody page has failed.

Please clarify both of these statements, Christian, as as they are now it seems you are trying to have two outcomes that are the Mutually Exclusive be true in each one of them, which of course is not possible. Either Aspergers is related to Autism or it is not (IT IS), and Either ASPERCHU is a Parody of Sonichu or it's not (it is NOT).

Also, I do have one last point to query about. You remark that I have made ASPERCHU into a "blatant homosexual male with such drawings of such dictation". I am confused by this, as I have NEVER drawn ASPERCHU to be making any dictations (by which I mean speaking, as that is the definition of the word) about being a homosexual; in fact throughout the Issues of the Comic he has pursued several GAL-PALS to make into a SWEETHEART, which is the heterosexual thing to be doing. In fact, you should read the conclusion of the latest Issue, as he does in fact acquire a sweetheart, the wonderful, caring, sweetest Dixie Chu. Perhaps your critical eye sees something in my Creation that I Myself did not notice putting in there, but to me ASPERCHU has always been a beacon of Heterosexual Virility and Pride. Conversely, you have yourself drawn Sonichu as being of the Homogay persuasion quite frequently, such as whenever Sonichu has intimations with his Boyfriend Rosechu, and also the Most Blatant Example is when you drew that Graphically Hardcore honeymoon comic where you had Sonichu turn blue and make sweet passionate love to that redheaded fellow.

So please, be so kind as to explain these quandaries to a wondering mind such as mine.

Your Protege and Bestest Joy-Boy,

Alec Benson Leary@undefined