Twelve New and Old Things of Christmas

Twelve New and Old Things of Christmas was uploaded just a few hours after Chris's bizarre dance video on 15th December 2015. Here, Chris shows off his own version of the Christmas song "The Twelve Days of Christmas", an indecipherable mix of Allan Sherman's parody "The Twelve Gifts of Christmas", and his own idiosyncratic additions, including how numbers are really letters, lesbianism, and asides about "ten million yen and a big fat hen". He also begs for more shekels.

Chris reprises his "I Got A Fish" song from 2009.

Video
"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me"

- Needless to say, no true love gave Chris anything

Transcription
[begins playing a Christmas song on his iPhone]

Seasons greetings and happy holidays, everybody!

Christine Chandler here. And er, I've come bearing a... variation, a new variation, possibly new with a little bit of old. Depending on what you will interpret. A variation of a Christmas classic, "The Twelve Days of Christmas." But we'll skip the repetition and somebody else can put- the singing parts with the tune.

And so with that, errr, on with the list!

[Horrible singing voice] On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me the instant classic the Japanese transistor radioooooh! [Pumps fist in a look of success'']

It was a nakashuma! Mark 4! That was the model that was discontinued, it came in a leather carrying case [very excited now] with holes in it so you can listen to it [Chris makes a gesture up to his ear as if he is holding the radio] and it gave me this little wire that had an end that, one end you stick in the ear and the other one you can't stick anywhere because, it's bent.

[begins singing again] On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me the numerical alphabet. [Holds up a napkin with what looks like a number 2 written on it in sharpie]

Alright, so, this is, it look like the number two! But guess what? That is a capital Q in cursive. 2 to Q! and with the anonymous decision in my own mental head, two is officially a letter. And not only that, but, between the two and the five, you also get the "S" and "Z". And uh, skip to the round about in the alphabet, zero is an "O", one an "i", and the "L"...with the common link to number 7 that's also an L, but the number 7, with or without the cross, can still be the capital F! And the number three is the, uh, [singing] "E, M, N, W". [Thumbs up and a cheeky grin] And uh, shoot, four...four! four! is uh, "H" and a "Y" [Puts hand up as if he was waving) Hi! And also, like, the number six and nine, four, six, and nine, are "B", "D", "P", "Q". Ah, let's see four, five, six, seven, and number eight! It can only be, the letter, "B"! But also, [high pitched] infinity!

And then, with that nonsense out of the way, [begins singing] On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me freeee, freshhh, fishhhh. I've got a fish would you like to make a wish! You're gonna do-you got yourself a fish? Now order a new side dish! Make a wish!

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... or rather she reminded me that I have not forgotten!? Anything or anyone. [cheeky grin]

And on the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me the jazzy hits from the good ole jumpin' jive era.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me the job of pickin' up... sticks!

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me born female, angelic women and ladies, of all races and religions and what-nock, make, lesbians, bi-sensuals, straight...the drag kings, and the transmales that have "not" have the operation change yet... whatsoever.

[wipes sweat off his forehead] Sorry, dudes! [chuckles]

And then on the eight day of Christmas my true love... gave to me a late train of thought. [puts hand on head] The mislabeling (?) of autism! Veooo make me forget. Pth.

And on the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me a share of the platinum mine Santa baby gave to her last year.

And on tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, ten million yen and a big fat hen! Ten million yen and a big fat hen! Ten million yen and a big fat hen! A big fat hen!

And on the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me a bling clock tower of London! Big Ben!

And on the twelth day of Christmas, although it may seem straaaange... on the twelfth day of Christmas, I'm going to exchaaaange... twelve drummers stri-drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milkin, seven swans-a-swimmin', six geese a-laying, fiveee golden raaaaangs, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear [high pitched] treeeeeeeeeee!

[clicks selfie remote button, doesn't work] I might have more...redone holiday hits in the next few days before Christmas of 2015, but that's still to be determined. Donations are still greatly appreciated and I still welcome more orders. Figures and everything, and up until Christmas day donations of one hundred dollars or greater get one additional figure of their choice, though I can't guarantee before Christmas delivery. All donations are greatly d-appreciated, and I-but unfortunately I cannot offer gifts or donations be-less than ten dorrars, but the options are now there on my Etsy listing. And that's okay because not a lot of people are apparently able to find it. Or at least a few of them are unable to find it. D-it's got a big ol' blue background, double letter's-yellow letters, DONATION!

Thank you, have a good safe day, Merry Christmas.