Jackie E-mails 22

This page lists emails exchanged between Chris and Jackie from 13 to 20 November 2010. Chris states that he feels he needs to seek personal justice against the trolls, specifically the "Head Trolls", in order to continue his life. He still regrets his graduation day. Jackie points out that Chris seeks counseling from Rocky to rationalize his own laziness, and that her lack of qualification is doing more harm than good. Jackie presents the "Trollbusters" website, but Chris doesn't fall for it.

Chris recognizes he does not have capacity to have any adult relationships. Jackie agrees, but then Chris lashes out at her for using the term "friend zone," demanding that sex stay on the table. Jackie's reaction is as one would expect.

November 13, 2010 - 9:00pm Hey Chris!

So I'm a bit confused about Rocky. She has helped you think of new ways to... use different words to put yourself down? I don't get it. You are a smart person. Doesn't she tell you so? I don't get why she wouldn't refute your belief that you are retarded, especially given how obvious it is how down and vulnerable you're feeling right now. Has she talked to you about more constructive things, like what you can do to be proactive about the various situations you aren't happy with? Like, for example, your high school reunion. Remember when I suggested you take an active role and pursue setting up the reunion yourself? Or doesn't she help you like that? It just kind of baffles me that she would allow you to keep feeling so bad about yourself and helpless about your situation when she knows how sad it makes you feel. I mean, doesn't she want to help things get better for you?

As for Evan, I think the main problem with Evan was that he was mad you violated his character. I mean, you took his male Simonchu and put a vagina on it. Didn't you always get mad that people drew a penis on your Rosechu? I think he just wanted you to respect the same standard that you demanded of other people. I don't know anything about Mao, I don't really know anything about him, but whatever. I'm glad you're going to give Alec the full honors and forgiveness, though. It'll be good for you to put that anger behind you.

Anyway, I'll talk to you soon.

Jackie@undefined

November 15, 2010 - 9:33pm Hey Chris!

Well, I'm still a bit confused on how Rocky helps you exactly. It seems like she's just fostering your negative feelings toward yourself. How has she actually helped you deal with any of your problems? I know she's told you to stay away from the trolls online, but it's painfully obvious how the trolls' actions throughout your life have just colored your entire present. You don't want to do do much of anything now because you're still so depressed about all that has happened throughout your life. Rocky tells you to just leave it be and not deal with it, but that's obviously not working for you. Is this how she helps you? By telling you to turn your back on life? I know when someone's advice is basically to do nothing and wait, it's easy to fall into a routine indefinitely, but doing nothing isn't working for you. You say that Rocky makes you feel good, but does she help you to be happy? Are you further along in your life because of her? It doesn't seem so.

And haven't you been trying to get the authorities on the trolls for a long time? I'm not really sure what they can do for you. And besides, you personally are guilty of a lot of the same activities against trolls that you want to accuse them of. you've attempted to get the police involved before, and to no avail. It's been, what, three years? You are obviously not satisfied with your situation, how has waiting changed that? How long has Rocky been talking about getting the "authorities" involved, and still nothing happens? I just don't see what offline methods would even work for you. It kind of sounds like you'd want to go to every troll's door and beat them up or something if you had the financial means to do so, but that would get you in a lot of legal trouble at best. (And besides, remember that you couldn't even do a single pull-up. I think you've got a long way to go physically before you could physically fight someone.)

I did some poking around and found this website called "trollbusters": http://internettrollbusters.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/profile-9-ian-crass-anders/ It looks like a group of people who are in a similar position as you, but they are actually doing something about it. You should join their cause! Your experiences are so unique, I bet you could be their spokesperson. Their needs to be someone who can stand up and lead the charge, not just sit on the sidelines and wait for someone else to take care of the problem. Can that hero be you, Chris? I think it can. I've been telling you for a long time, waiting isn't helping you. When someone is depressed, doing nothing only makes the depression worse, because it allows you to feel helpless. You have to actually take action yourself. Even if someone else solves a problem for you (which isn't happening here), you won't feel any better about yourself, because you'll be just as helpless as soon as the next problem comes around the corner. Join the trollbusters and contribute to the cause, Chris. Don't be a waiter, be a leader.

Anyway, how are my comic pages coming? You must be fairly close to done by now, right? Do you think I can have them by this Friday? I can't wait to see.

Jackie@undefined

November 16, 2010 - 5:40pm

How have you moved forward? Every time you're asked to do something, you say that you can't because you're depressed because your "adult life sucks". You're always telling me how you can't get up the motivation to work or improve yourself or treat your addictions because you're so depressed over the trolls, even though they haven't done much of anything to you in a long long time. You continue to sit in your room, playing games all day, morbidly depressed because you have no friends and no social life, waiting for someone else to come rescue you from your sucky life so you don't have to do anything.

What does Rocky's family have to do with anything? I'm not attacking her, I'm pointing out how it seems like all she tells you is to do nothing and wait for the world to fix your problems for you, and that's making you miserable because it's not happening. And it's not going to happen. I really don't see why you're so quick to do whatever Rocky says without even thinking twice about it, but when I or anyone else suggests a course of action, you just sigh and come up with some excuse why you can't do it, or you plead for someone else do it for you. Frankly, I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm asking you to do work, and she asks you to do nothing, and wait for other people to solve your problems, and generally be lazy, and guess who you choose to listen to.

I'm sorry if this offends you but I have to be blunt but frankly it makes me tired and angry to see you just wallowing in your own misery and sadness and doing nothing about it.

Jackie

P.S. I know this is a fairly sensitive topic for you, Chris, and I know it probably troubles you for me to talk about it, and I'm sorry for that. But I trust that you won't discuss my words on this subject with Rocky, considering that it would be a conflict of interest for her to offer an opinion on it, and especially considering our recent talk about honesty and handling your problems like an adult. I am really trying here Chris, and I know I'm going deep into a sensitive issue, but I trust you and hope that you trust me and that you wouldn't betray my trust. I do care about you very much and your best interests are in my heart, Chris.@undefined

November 18, 2010 - 4:51pm

Chris, have you been checking your email? I haven't heard from you. What's going on?

Samantha emailed me and said that you've mentioned me to your counselor Rocky recently. Have you communicated to her concerning the misgivings I shared with you about the way she advises you? I really hope you haven't, Chris, because like I said in my last email, that would put me in quite an awkward position with this woman I don't even know and I would feel pretty exposed and betrayed if you did it. I don't like the way she seems to just make you think that you're destined to be depressed and directionless and that you're helpless to change any of it. And obviously if you tell her I said that, she's not going to be able to offer a neutral opinion about it. And I really wouldn't feel comfortable with you sharing our private conversations with her - she's not a therapist, she has no legal obligation to keep secrets, and I don't like the idea of this woman having personal information of mine.

Like I said in my last message, I'm sorry if I struck a nerve, but it just felt like I needed to say something. And now you're making me feel just left hanging because you haven't responded.

Jackie@undefined

November 19, 2010 - 4:27pm

Hey Chris!

You know something? That's all okay. I'm not angry or disappointed or anything. I think I've at least partly known for a long time that you didn't really feel right about everything. It's okay if you aren't ready for a relationship or sex. Not everyone is ready for those things at the same time, and everyone must follow his own individual growth rate. And it wouldn't be right of me to pressure you into an adult situation that you just aren't ready for. So don't feel bad about friend-zoning me, okay? Being friend-zoned isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it's a good thing, because it allows you to see the situation from a new angle and grow. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and I respect that.

Well, I'm glad that you feel like you can share your feelings with someone, even if it is Rocky. But I hope you feel like you can share your feelings with me too. I was a bit worried, because the way you brought her up, I thought maybe you shared our emails with her or something, which would be a terrible breach of trust. You didn't do that, right?

Like I said, I don't feel good about this woman, it seems like she just tells you what you want to hear; she gives you a way to rationalize hiding from your problems, rather than helping you find ways to actually improve them. Because I care about you Chris, I do have to ask again, how has your life really improved from following her advice? You are still very obviously depressed and lonely and dissatisfied with the place your life is in. Maybe you should see a therapist instead. I believe psychiatric care is actually free in the state of Virginia, but I don't know for sure, you should look into that. I think someone who has medical knowledge and experience dealing with autism and social disorders and such would be able to help you more than Rocky, who doesn't really seem to be qualified for those things.

Anyway, please write back to me. Even if we aren't pursuing a romantic relationship anymore, I'd still really like to be your friend, and I think you could really use one. Also, Lars really liked you too, I'm sure he'd love to hear from you again.

Jackie@undefined

November 20, 2010 - 2:25pm

Hey Chris. Thanks for writing back.

Firstly, I'm sorry if my use of the term "friend zone" made you uncomfortable, but it is what you did, I'm just calling it like it is. I was pursuing a relationship and you basically said "no thanks, I'd rather just be friends". Like I said, that doesn't bother me, but I don't get why you are uncomfortable by me calling it the proper name. I mean, if you steal a toy from a store, would you feel uncomfortable with being called a thief?

Secondly, I'm kind of insulted that you think that there is an option for sex available here. Why would I have kept trying to get a relationship off the ground if all I wanted from you was a booty call? I'm not that kind of girl Chris, I feel like you don't respect me when you say that. I mean, I've been pretty patient all the while with you, putting up with your constant lies and laziness and whatnot, and you showed you didn't really think enough of me to do anything I wanted. I thought when you admitted you weren't ready for a relationship, you knew sex was off the table, too. I can have sex with Lars if I want, and he gives me the adult interaction too.

Sex and relationships are part of the same package, Chris. If you aren't ready for one, you aren't ready for the other. Just because you're physically capable of sticking your penis in a girl doesn't mean that you have what it takes to give her what SHE needs. The fact that you think you can give up on a relationship and still get a girl to have sex with you, but not have to worry about doing anything for her, is proof that you aren't ready for sex - it's retardedly naïve. Maybe in a few years or so, once you are willing to put aside your own desires and actually think of what the other person wants for once. But for now, I think you should practice abstinence; focus on improving yourself emotionally and on improving your life. Get a job, move out on your own, take on some adult responsibilities. Then, maybe, you'll be ready to start considering sex again. But if you keep going the way you're going, trying to put the cart before the horse and pursuing sex to the detriment of all other goals, you'll just keep shooting yourself in the foot, because you'll be pursuing something you're not in a place to get while ignoring other life goals that desperately need your attention. You're not getting any younger Chris, your 20's are already slipping away.

Speaking of Rocky, it was also wrong of you to forward that email to her without asking me. That was a conversation in which I had every right to expect my privacy to be respected, and you betrayed that. This is another piece of proof that you aren't ready for grown-up things like sex - you need to understand that other people have rights, not just yourself.

Anyway, you've been talking for a long, long, long time about going after the trolls, going after the people from the Game Place, getting your church to be your personal army, etc. You've yet to do anything about it. And you haven't really explained how your life has gotten better from Rocky's advice, either. Have you considered that she just tells you what she knows will make you feel better for the immediate moment, but in exchange she doesn't help you deal with the root of your problems, and that's why you're still every bit as miserable as you have been for years? She doesn't sound like a very good counselor to me. She just feeds these go-nowhere fantasies about righteous revenge that you sit stewing on, and meanwhile you're letting the rest of life pass you by.

Hope to hear back soon,

Jackie@undefined