Chris Sings Fart Song for Flora

Chris Sings Fart Song for Flora is a 23 March 2009 video in which Chris explains that it is healthy to fart, and sings the Fart Song from Family Guy (getting most of the lyrics wrong) for Ivy's friend Flora, who had a fear of farting in public.

Despite the name of the video, Chris doesn't actually sing (and we use the word "sing" very loosely) until 4:45, near the end of the video, opting instead to thoroughly bore his audience with long, drawn-out facts about farts that anybody can get off of the internet in less than a minute. He however misses the fun fact that corpses are known to fart weeks after death, as he claims that farting is "a sign that you're alive".

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"It's not dangerous at all to let farts out."

Transcript
Hello. I'm making this video to Ivy's friend Flora, who uhh...has some concerns of her own about uhh...natural bodily function...that hopefully after this video she'll feel better about it. But uhh...there are...dangers about holding in farts...but, it's better and, and it's better to let them, it's better to let farts OUT, and it's not very comft-, and it's not...dangerous at all to let farts out. If anything, holding farts in err...there's a chance of uhh...getting hemorrhoids, or uhh...some ki-, or possibly doubles the risk of colon cancer. Err, there's rumors that's going around on the Internet.

But anyway uhh...[reads from notes] but yeah, basically farts are uhh, gas in our intestines that comes out from several sources. You know, the air you swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our gut, and gas produced by bacteria living in our gut. Hm. And I get these facts I have printed here from uhh...heptune.com, H-E-P-T-U-N...E. Forgot the E. [in strange voice] Remember the E. Anyway uhh...on average a person produces about half a liter of fart-gas per day, which amounts to fourteen daily farts. So it's no problem to let your farts out! Whereas may be difficult to...[mumbles to self, cutting off the rest of the line he was reading] Okay. Yeah, well...but you know uhh...a good reason why the fart, why our farts come out come out our uhh...butt...because that's where our HOLE is, down there, for the farts to come out of. And if you don't let the farts out it's like uhh...holding in...it's like uhh...zit. If you, if pressure isn't relieved from the zit then uhh, it just might not heal. Or it'll, uh, just get bigger and bigger and bigger. So...yeah. Mm.

Besides which, you know, farting is a sign that uhh...you are alive. I mean, second most, second most important sign to let you know, to remind you that you're alive aside from breathing. You breathe you're alive, you fart you're alive. All animals fart. Hmm.

Then also, uhh...you know the uhh...it's also a possible question of men farting more than women. Well, that's not true. They, women, fart just as much. It's just that uhh...apparently men take more pride in it than most women. MOST men take pride in it...yeah. [Reads from paper and chuckles] Ah, here's a fun quote. Listen to this: "I have read that men fart more often than women. If that's true then women must be saving up and expelling more gas per fart than men do." Hmm.

But anyway, uhh, harmful to hold in farts: there are differences in opinion on that issue. Certainly people have believed for several centuries that uhh, retaining the fart is bad for the health. Again, heptune.com. I wanna make sure I quote them:

"Even Emperor Claydius [Claudius] passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief a person could be poisoned or catch disease by retaining farts, but doctors clarified that there is no particular harm. Uhh. It will not poison you. They are natural component in your intestinal contents. Worst thing that can happen is mild stomachache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distensation [distention] of the bowel could result...if a person holds it in too much. And even the effort involved in retaining the fart can cause hemorrhoids."

And there's uhh, rumors going around about it possibly doubling the chances of colon cancer. Hmm.

But uhh, anyway, Flora, it's okay to fart once in a while. If you prefer to keep it private that's fine. You uhh...take it to the bathroom. And err, if people remembered, there was a song written about the joys of farting. [Smiles and bobs head] On an episode of Family Guy.

[Starts singing out of key while stroking Guitar Hero controller]

I like fancy learning books...I like apple tarts...I like cozy breakfast nooks...I like modern arts...And I like farts! Yes, I like farts! I like to fart your, fart your, fart your farts! Yeah, I like farts! If you got heart, [puts on an impression of what in his mind Ivy's friend talks like] "Oh, I've got heart"! [Mumbles something that's hard to make out which doesn't seem to match the lyrics of the actual song] "Where do I start?" Well Flora, I will help you get your, Flora started. [Chris starts to make several disgusting fart sounds with his mouth while continuing to strum his Guitar Hero controller]

It's okay to fart.

[Video cuts off and comes back as if Chris had forgot something] Have a good day, Flora.