Slow-in-the-minds

"I am Sometimes Retarded."

- Chris, on himself.

"I'm POSSIBLY retarded..."

- Chris on his intellect, Mumble 9.5

"I'M RETARDED."

- Chris, exposing Jeff.

"I do not feel comfortable associating with other autistic people, especially the non-high-funcional [sic]; it would be like looking through a Window to Hell to me."

- Chris on other autistic people, IRC (17 December 2008)



"Slow-in-the-minds" and "slow-minded" are CWC-isms that refer to developmentally disabled, cognitively delayed, crazy, and/or generally unintelligent people (other than Chris himself, of course). The term was first seen in a 1999 high school assignment about prenatal development, where Chris identified various factors that could cause newborn children to have "slow minds". It also showed up in his school project "A Week With Christian Chandler".

"Slow-in-the-minds" hits a fine trifecta of points. One, it displays Chris's arrogance, seeing as how it applies to so many classes of people, all of whom he considers "slower" than he. Two, it shows Chris's lip-service attention to fitting into society, it sounds incredibly ableist, and is just a childish euphemism. Three, there's a delicious irony in Chris decrying students who are "slow in the mind" when his own mental aptitude is dubious.

In a number of responses from the Mailbag, Chris has explained that he finds the mentally challenged (especially those with physical deformities) creepy, likening them to zombies. In June 2013, when someone on the CWCki Forums suggested that Chris date someone who was "mildly mentally retarded," Chris replied, "would YOU, in full honesty, full truth, in your right mind, at all, date a 'Special Girl'? How would you feel if you woke up the next morning with droning moaning and blather coming from the face next to you?" Chris's bigotry extends to his fellow autistics — he speaks in incredibly cruel and derisive terms about the various mental and physical problems that are thrust upon these innocent individuals, whereas he, as a self-proclaimed "high-functioning" autistic, is pure and clean.

Despite that he seems to barely consider low-functioning autistics human, Chris often styles himself as a spokesperson for autism, making a stand against Asperger syndrome in the non-existent conflict between autism and Aspergers. This delusion is made most apparent in the CWCipedia article on Aspergers. It has been suggested that Chris says these things to make himself look good, and also to complain that he should be receiving the care and attention that those with Aspergers receive.

Chris seems to interpret the "high-functioning" part of his diagnosis as a compliment, giving him the best of both worlds: he can blame any of his shortcomings on his autism, but still console himself with the fact that he's "high-functioning" and therefore better than the "slow-in-the-minds".



Uses by Chris
Chris's use of this term has evolved over the years. Early on, he pointedly distinguished between the "slow-minded" and himself. In late 2009 and onward, however, he began referring to himself as "a little slow" or "sometimes slow", once he discovered he could use it as an excuse for his many failings.


 * In A Week With Christian Chandler, Chris described his peers on his school bus as "slow-in-the-minds."
 * In Sub-Episode 6, when exploring the ecology of the Jerkop, Chris noted that "slow-minded people" are susceptible to becoming Mary Lee Walsh's rent-a-cop slaves. He added that because he is, of course, not slow-in-the-mind, he is immune to the "hypno-gun" that brainwashes the Jerkops.
 * Chris Chan's Public Announcement featured, among other things, Chris attempting to correct the "misconception" that he is a "slow-minded person."
 * In a December 2008 IRC chat, when asked to give an example of learning from his mistakes, Chris said, "when it was spelled out for me that a sign by my side made me look slow-minded, when clearly I am not."
 * Chris mentioned the same incident in a 2007 e-mail to his old schoolteacher Virginia Sanford: "I've later realized that it made me look slow-minded; the 'R' Word."
 * Conversing with his "fans" in Mumble 8, Chris claimed, "For the record, I'm not, I'm not slow in the mind."
 * While mocking a (legitimately mentally disabled) fan of his on YouTube, Chris said, "You’re so naïve and slow in the mind."
 * In Kacey Call 5, Chris admitted "that I'm a little bit re-, that I'm a little bit slow sometimes."
 * In Kacey Call 9, Chris referred to a fellow high school student as "this one slow-minded individual named Tony" who "just kept on making all the moanings and noises and whatnot."
 * During the Father Call, Chris said, "I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments."
 * In his CWCipedia article on Asperger's syndrome, Chris admitted that "my mentality is sometimes slow."
 * While begging off from some of the difficult questions he faced in Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 9, Chris whined about how "Sometimes my mind's a little slow."
 * In the Regina e-mails, Chris referred to Virginia gubernatorial candidates Bob McDonnell and Creigh Deeds as being "not so swift."
 * In Jackie Chat 8, Chris admitted that "I sometimes feel mentally slow."
 * Likewise, in a July 2010 e-mail to Jackie, he said "I am sometimes mentally slow and don't get all of the details at once and such." This became a recurring theme in Chris's conversations with Jackie, as he repeatedly tried to use his "slow-mindedness" as an excuse. The 20th collection of e-mails has a few good examples.
 * Talking about his high school days in the Lars Call, Chris said, "Yeah, I got pretty much tormented for my autism and considerable slow-mindedness, that has happened to me before."
 * Chris admitted to his private Facebook friends in February 2012, "I'm slow on the take sometimes to often."
 * At their December 2014 bowling outing, Chris told Catherine and her cousin Al that the person responsible for the paperwork allowing him and his mother to move back into 14 Branchland Court after the house fire was "a senile slow-in-the-mind."