Michael Hirtes


 * "Totem Sanic" redirects here. For the Relic of Fail, see Sonic Totem.

"I feel sorry for them in such pitiful conditions and whatnot. I do."

- Chris, on weens like Hirtes

Michael Jay "Mike" Hirtes is a 60-year-old man from Council Bluffs, Iowa who has made a name for himself as both an A-Log and a ween. Hirtes, also known as Kiwi Farms member Totem Sanic, has created a multitude of Twitter accounts to follow Chris and spam him, as well as anyone he tweets to, with angry rants and accusations against him. Most of his rants against Chris consist of trite Chris memes and ad hominem attacks. Unlike the vast majority of A-Logs, including Anthony LoGatto himself, Hirtes's socks have actually been responded to by Chris, albeit rarely.

Hirtes was first discovered as a halal member of the Kiwi Farms, where he was outed as the operator of the Twitter account @RektByLife (since deleted), perhaps the most dedicated ween account following Chris at the time. Subsequent developments revealed that not only is Hirtes both older and more immature than Chris, but also that he, too, is unemployed, a furry, prone to tard rage, and has gotten into trouble with the law.

Discovery
Many observers of Chris will have noted the presence of ween accounts in his Twitter replies for some time. However, much attention was not given to these accounts until Michael Hirtes was discovered on the Kiwi Farms.

Hirtes was first called out when Farms member yawning sneasel linked his Kiwi Farms account, Totem Sanic, to his @RektByLife (DaThingsIveSeen) Twitter account based on screencaps he had posted, which showed that he had the same Twitter profile picture as the one @RektByLife used. He was further incriminated when a post by him on the forums surfaced, where he praises DaThingsIveSeen for "doing GodBear's work". Furthermore, on the CWCki Club forums, user Hurtful Truth Level revealed that Totem Sanic had asked for credit mention for a tweet by his @EAT_SHITT_CHRIS (GIGANTIC_STRAW) account that Chris had replied to.

Hirtes subsequently complained about being banned in a forum post, which eventually culminated in his revelation as a gigantic laughing stock. In response to backlash, Hirtes posted a series of angry rants against Kiwi Farms administrator Null and the forum in general on Twitter.

As a result, Hirtes now has his very own thread on the Kiwi Farms.

Twitter sockpuppets


On Twitter, both before and after he was discovered by the Kiwi Farms, Hirtes has used numerous sockpuppet accounts to reply to Chris's tweets. Most of these replies are cookie-cutter rants chastising Chris for behavior that he, too, has been shown to have exhibited, usually through the use of worn-out Chris memes and ad hominem attacks. When he is not autistically screeching at Chris, Hirtes is often found angrily tweeting at Donald Trump, or he makes rants about the Kiwi Farms and its users. His tweets are characterized by his usual writing style, along with a tendency to capitalize certain words (in contrast with Chris's style of only capitalizing the first letters of these words).

Hirtes sometimes uses other socks in order to reply to or like a tweet posted by one of his accounts. This is reminiscent of how Chris does the same thing with his NightStar2891 account.

He donated a cent to Chris in response to the latter asking for no donations below a dollar.

Other Internet Activities
Hirtes's a-logging isn't just limited to Twitter. Evidence suggests that Hirtes operated multiple sock-puppets in Kiwi Farms, not just his Totem Sanic account. Much like in Twitter, he usually a-logs Chris and occasionally other lolcows. In recent times, with Chris and others finding his Twitter socks more easily, Hirtes has since regulated himself to /cow/, where he continues to troll-shield himself and derailing threads over his hatred towards Chris and his vendetta against Kiwi Farms to this day.

Notable quotes by Hirtes
"We all know what a waste of an education was on you, Ian."

- Hirtes replying to Chris' comment to Tara Strong. Surprisingly, Tara liked this reply.

"YOU HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFETIME TO EARN GOING TO THAT CONVENTION YOU LAZY NAÏVE HACK THEIF[sic]"

- Hirtes reacting to his trip to BronyCon.

"Next thing you know, Chris is gonna confess that he was also DoopieDoOver all along, and we're all gonna be so gobsmacked. Chris is so smart"

- Hirtes sarcastically commenting over the possibility of the Doopie Saga.

"I feel sorry for all of the kids trapped in the same theater Fatty is going to stink up."

- Hirtes' reaction to Chris and Jessica's upcoming movie date.

"Did you spit or swallow Chris' spunk after you typed that?"

- Hirtes' response to a critic.

"This is all just the calm before the storm, Fatty. When it happens, it will end you. I know how to wait. ⛈️"

- Hirtes' thinly-veiled threats in response to Chris enjoying himself at MAGfest 2018.

Chris's view on Hirtes
Despite the effort Hirtes put into shitposting thousands of times about Chris, Chris himself barely pays him any attention. He was asked about Hirtes for a Q&A video, in which Chris responded that he felt pity for people like that. In October 2017, nearly a year into Hirtes's spam crusade, Chris tagged his Twitter handle and said :

"While your comments do come into my view, I take them with the grain of salt, and shield my emotions and mind from your spite."

Amusingly, Chris came to Hirtes's defense in a tweet war between the latter and a white knight, saying, "Not all people who identify as furries are bad. "

Chris shared an anecdote about Hirtes to a Planet Dolan member who had complained of being trolled by someone with multiple accounts. Chris said:

"You block one, that same one comes back behind a different mask/account. Nowadays, I just make sure I do not have notifications turned on with this kid, and let him go on."

- Hirtes only makes Chris stronger

However, this reaction would not last forever as on 16 May 2018, Chris called out Hirtes for his weening. This would result in a flame war between the two people. This ended with Chris subsequently blocking Hirtes' socks from his page. Despite that, Hirtes continues to make sockpuppets to this day, trying in vain to illicit the same response earlier.