Sonichu's News Dash



"Well, it’s the end of another month, and I still don’t have a girlfriend. Maybe my latest idea, the Sonichu’s News Dash! newsletter, will make the ladies take notice of me."

- Chris, believing your own newsletter will attract women, 31 January 2004

Sonichu's News Dash! was a newsletter distributed by Chris from 2004–05, in the finest tradition of fringe kooks, conspiracy theorists, survivalist tree-dwellers, religious oddballs and radical doomsday prophets. Chris once decided that printing up a newsletter would be the best way to attract boyfriend-free girls. Sonichu's News Dash! often contained poetry, highly defective dating advice, and details on Chris's life and personal interests. It would always end with his description of his requirements for a sweetheart, similar to what was printed on his Attraction Sign.

Chris was scolded by Mary Lee Walsh for littering the Piedmont Virginia Community College campus with copies, which led him to bear a grudge against her to this day.

Origins and publication schedule
Chris called the News Dash a "spinoff" from his website CWC's Pokésite 2. As with his later Sonichu comic, he chose a confusing numbering system for the issues. "Preview Issues" #00, #01 and #02 were simply relabeled entries from the news section of his Pokémon site. #00 was a brief announcement of the forthcoming CWC's Sonichu Site. #01 was the story of Bionic the Hedgehog. #02 was a review of "Sonic Adventure, 1999".

These were followed by "Issue #1" in January 2001, titled "Variety of Codes!". It provided the cheat codes for five Sonic the Hedgehog games. Like the previous three, it was just posted online, and physical copies were apparently not produced.

Chris then lost interest in the News Dash for three years. He revived the project in January 2004, when "Premiere Issue #1" came out. While the first several were definitely in print, it's not clear if all of them were. He published ten of these issues:

Premiere Issue #1 - January 2004

Issue #2 - February 2004. There were two versions of this issue; Chris said only that it was "Updated for Reasons," possibly linked to the Walsh troubles.

Issue #3 - March 2004

Issue #4 - April 2004

Issue #5 - September/October 2004

Issue #6 - November/December 2004

Issue #7 - January/February 2005 (erroneously published as "2004")

Issue #8 - March/April 2005 (also with "2004" on the masthead)

Issue #9 - "April, Part 2, 2004" (no one knows exactly what this means)

Issue #10 - May/June 2005 (Chris finally realizes what year it is)

Highlights from the newsletter
The News Dash! is a valuable source of information from the pre-trolling days, back when Chris was still stalking women in public places. Here are some tidbits from the News Dash!:

Sweetheart qualifications
As the newsletter was primarily a platform to promote himself to women, every issue ended with this description of his ideal sweetheart:

Issue 5-10
Same as Issues 3 and 4, but with a link to his Match.com profile.

Sonichu Rap
The following bit of opaque random-access humor is how he chose to headline his very first issue:

Chris on PowerWeb
There were two versions of Issue #2. The first version opened with the following critique of a PVCC online registration tool. The second version cut this and replaced it with a description of the Chaotic Combo. It's not clear why Chris did this.

Share some happiness with Christian
Chris opened the (revised) second issue as follows:

Chris's dating tips
"Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu running a mile. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is."

- Chris, preaching what he never practices

The News Dash! Incident, in Chris's own words
"Mary Lee Walsh made it illegal to distribute the News Dash; I AM VERY ANGRY AT THAT XXXXX! In response, Iplan to incite the masses, and hope they DEMAND the return the News Dash so my chances on getting a girlfriend can be restored. I have also declared WAR on them as well!"

- Chris, greatly overestimating his own power