Lars Call



"I be like... "Current age year-old man, seek- lookin' for an 18-to-current-age-year-old woman! Be my sweetheart and junk!" And they be- They misinterpret that, they be thinkin' I be lookin' just for the- Just for the booty call! But no, I ain't lookin' just for the booty call, I'm lookin' for the long run, the emotional attachments and everythaaang!"

- Chris, talking like a niggo

"I want Jackie and I want to be able to keep my video games."

- Chris, torn between two loves

The Lars Call was a ninety-minute phone conversation on 4 November 2010 where Chris talked with Jackie's black ex-boyfriend Lars (actually Alec Benson Leary ), discussing addictions, a parade he promised Jackie, what he would do for a woman, and boats. Chris got comfortable with, and hilarity ensued. Near the end of the call, Lars mentions he's going to have sex with Jackie, and Chris completely misses what he just said as he hangs up the phone, once again proving how dense Chris really is.

Summary

 * Jackie had an involuntary abortion, thanks to Lars.
 * Lars got rid of his boats, Chris gets rid of his Legos.
 * Lars didn't finish school because people played Kick the Nigga.
 * Lars doesn't understand autism, after Chris's explanation, he thought it was Asperger's and Down Syndrome Downtism.
 * Chris whines about trolls, not getting a job, and being called a homo. Lars hears him.
 * Chris doesn't like when people say "gay" as in stupid, Lars doesn't like when people say "nigga" out of context.
 * Chris explains his comic, and how he incorporates IRL enemies into it. Lars tells him to continue the comic in order to conquer the trolls.
 * Lars says Jackie is upset because she isn't an inspiration for Chris to do the comic, and he sometimes doesn't do what he tells her he will.
 * Chris tells Lars he's a virgin; Lars says that explains his rage against the trolls.
 * Chris rewrites the comic so he doesn't kill "Alec Bason Nigga".
 * Jackie better not burn that casserole.
 * Chris promised a parade for Alec to Jackie, Chris denies it, Lars has the e-mail proving he did.
 * Jackie initially broke up with Lars because he told her he'd lose the boats, and he didn't. Chris feels him. Chris is Lars's nigga.
 * Chris is willing to give up the Moon and Mercury if he had it, for Jackie. He's really giving up video games, but he won't sell his "PS Triple".
 * Lars spent $35,000 on six credit cards for boats. He won't let addiction rule his life anymore.
 * Chris swears on the grave on his Aunt Corina he will not spend anymore on his PS3 (at least it wasn't Patti).
 * Lars spent nine months as a volunteer at a hospital, enjoying the sight of old white men dying.
 * More bitching about trolls.
 * Lars and Chris talk about their criminal records, Lars makes trespassing sound bad ass.
 * Chris apparently turns into a nigga himself as about halfway in and speaks in Ebonics (off and on) the remainder of the call.
 * Chris would shoot Michael Snyder if he had the chance. Michael was just looking for a reason to ban Chris.
 * Lars gives Chris a scenario of someone breaking in. Chris says he's strong and would kick their ass (but only if they hit first).
 * Chris likes black people on TV. Lars gets mildly offended upon hearing how Chris likes Sanford & Son. They both hold up their fists in black solidarity.
 * The conversation goes back to Jackie, they wonder why Jackie is mad at Chris.
 * Chris claims that he will make things right.
 * Lars tells Chris that his dick is four inches of straight goodness.
 * Lars burned his boats because he wants Jackie back and suggested that Chris burn his PS3 to get Jackie back.
 * Lars thinks he has the upper hand over Chris in the competition over Jackie. He was known as "Ram-rod" in High School.
 * Chris talks about his Cherokee heritage. He's not a "casino nigga" and beats the stereotype that Native Americans have jobs.
 * Lars respects Chris trying to win Jackie back, while Lars is "ramrodding" her.
 * Chris talks about destroying his first PS3, Lars questions why he got a second one. Chris says he needs it as a computer. Lars asks why he didn't get a computer instead.
 * Lars tells Chris to improve himself whether Jackie stays with him or not.
 * Jackie can't come to the phone, she's taking a massive shit, courtesy of Taco Bell.
 * Chris whines that making changes is too hard.
 * Lars says Chris is afraid of women. Chris denies it.
 * Chris shits himself.
 * Chris didn't have Taco Bell, he had a fish fillet for dinner.
 * Lars lost his virginity at 8; he was scared, so he only made the bitch cum twice.
 * Lars tells Chris if he loses the PSTriple, his ass will be kicked out on the street and Jackie will be at Chris's doorstep the following day.
 * Lars concludes with the fist of solidarity, he will bang Jackie when she gets out of the bathroom.
 * Chris promises Honesty to Lars, he wants Jackie AND video games.
 * Chris likes orange soda.
 * Lars didn't know what Kenan & Kel or Nickelodeon was, he goes to fuck Jackie.

Stats

 * The word "nigga" is used 185 times. Chris uses the word twice.
 * "Shit" is used 554 times.
 * "Yo" is used 46 times.

You Are Now About to Witness the Strength of Street Knowledge (0:01 - 7:00)
Jackie: [In shrill, forced enthusiasm] Oh hi Chris, it's Jackie! How are you? Chris: ...Oh... Jackie... Hi. Jackie: Well I got your email!- Chris: Well- Yeah. Oh, uhhh. Yep. What's a... What's... a... [sounds of frantic typing] what's... a what's... uh, your response there? Jackie: Um, sorry I missed your- missed you last night, I just didn't know if you'd be around! Listen, I'm going to turn you over to Lars right now, and I'll be listening. So you- Chris: Oh. Jackie: -two boys play nice, ok? Chris: Um, ok. Jackie: Lars! Lars: YO! BITCH WHERE MAH DINNER AT?! Chris: ...hmm, hello? Lars: Yo!, yo-yo-yo. Who dis at? Chris: ... Lars: Yo dawg? Chris: ... Lars: Yo who did-did? Yo this be Lars and shit, who dis? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh, this is Christian. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo! yo, Christian C. How y'all doin' dawg? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Um, I'm-fu- I'm fairing out. How are you? <font color="#000000">Lars: Doin' alright, nigga. Shit. Yo, I'll be honest with y'all dawg. I ain't wanna do this call and shit at first, y'know? You diggin' and shit? Bet y'all pro'lly felt the same way, and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: ... <font color="#000000">Lars: But then my-m, my girl Jackie, she be all like: "Bitch, you best be doin' this call! Lest I'll be all breakin' up you with y'all and shit." So I be like doin' the call and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: ... <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, dawg- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: ...Ye- <font color="#000000">Lars: -what you wanna talk about? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hmm, well, uh... yeah for uh... well, for one thing, well, I know what you put- what you did do to Jackie a while back, you spike- you spiked her coffee and killed the unborn child. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo yo yo yo yo, dog, yo dog. That my bad and shit, yeah. I'll own up to that shit, sure, shiiit. That's in the past and shit, dog. I own up to that shit, and that's in the past. And I own up to that shit. Yeah. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Okay- okay, but how did you own up to that? <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit, dog, what you talkin' 'bout? I ain't do that shit no more. I made that shit up. Yo dog, what you talkin' 'bout? Shit be long gone, water over the bridge and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, the fact remains that she was pregnant with your child, then she lost it. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah, yeah, all got- I ain't ready to be no baby daddy and shit. Shit, yo, nigga get scared and shit, fuck. Y'all know what that be like and shit. Y'all ain't be no a-dult and shit, you know? Ain't ready to take on no a-dult responsiblities. Fuck. I done pour libations and shit for that baby, I tell ya what. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: I done regret it and shit. You know? Shit happens. Shit be in the past, though and shit. I'm a new nigga, now. You dig, you feel me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I hear- I hear you. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, so I be burn no baby no baby fetus no more neither. I'm ready for baby now. I got a job and shit, I got rid of my stupid boats and shit too, damn. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I heard you burned those boats. <font color="#000000">Lars: Got rid of all of them boats. Not just my boats, neither. Got rid of boats, got rid of my expansion pass for boats, got rid of my paint kits for them boats, shit you know dog, I be goin' through my closet and shit, I got paint kit for boats I ain't even own, nigga. Man, sometimes a nigga just face his life and shit, when he ain't facin' it, he ain't realize what he got, 'til it's gone. Be like the song, and shit. You gots to get rid of all that shit, you feelin' me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: I got boats in the closet, boats in the yard, boats in the living room, boats in the lawn, boats in my driveway and shit. Boats on the roof and shit. Shit be takin' over my house. Like a bad habit and shit, y'all feelin' me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, yo, y'all got- y'all got any nasty habits and shit there Chris? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: N-nasty habits? <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah, yeah, you know, any boats and shit? Model planes, and trains, and automobiles maybe? Anything that be weighing you down, and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hmm, yeah- <font color="#000000">Lars: We all got our demons and shit. You must got somethin', lay it on me, dog. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Oh... okay, well I did have a whole city made out of Legos that I tore- I des- pretty much tore it down, and- <font color="#000000">Lars: Huh, y'all done got a city of Legos and shit? Man, I feel you, that's gangsta. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: How much 'fetti y'all get for all them Legos, how much money you get? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hmm, nah I didn't get very- I didn't give no- I didn't get much money from... I did- there just a whole bunch- a whole bunch of pieces of bricks and whatnot and people are already on their way and most children already have their own bunches of Legos, and they're like they don't need it any more to call up their house and all that. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shiiit, I feel you. Take them Legos to the bank, get some Lego bills and shit. Man, I just took $30 worth of nickels to the bank this mornin'. Got myself some bills, I did. Jackson and a Hamilton and shit, goin' to Popeyes Chicken with that shit. Bet you feel that, right dog? Y'all ever been to Popeyes and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hmm, no I cannot say I have sampled Popeyes- <font color="#000000">Lars: Dog, oh dog you missin' out, missin' out. Damn good chicken and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I'm sure it is, I have heard good things about Popeyes. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight a'ight a'ight, you feel me, you feel me, and I feel you and shit. Damn, nigga. Yo, yo, I be digressin' and shit, we gettin' off topic. We be talkin' 'bout yours and mines nasty habits and shit, what else do you got, dog? Lay it on me. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hmm... <font color="#000000">Lars: I feel all righteous and shit, gettin' rid of all my boats, feel like a new nigga and shit. Feel like a whole new day be startin' for me. You ever have a feelin' like that, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I have felt that way before. <font color="#000000">Lars: Tell me all about it, dog.

Slow Times at Manchester High (7:00 - 12:30)
<font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well pretty much felt like- felt like a big time star and all that when I had a good number of friends back in high school. But then I had- then I graduated and had to leave Chesterfield County where I was going to high school and move back Ruckersville. And then it just, pretty much went downhill for me, and I didn't have too many friends. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit, dog, I hear high school be fun and shit. Oh no, dropped out halfway through seventh grade and shit. That's a cross I had to bear and shit. Dayum. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Been tryin' to go to high school and shit, ain't no niggas in the school system be wantin' no nigga up in their classroom. They be playin' "Kick the Nigga" and shit. Shit ain't gangsta, they be straight bustas and shit. Fuckin' niggas. Y'all know 'bout getting tormented and shit, ain't you? Tormented for your differences and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I got pretty much tormented for my autism and considerable slow-mindedness, that has happened to me before. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, yo, yo, dog, au-austiss- wait, the fuck that shit be? D- au... <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Autism, it's a- uh, it's a slowness in the mind where, it just, uh, it basically inhibits social functions. Y'know, being able to socialize as well as normal people. You can look it up on Wikipedia. <font color="#000000">Lars: Oh, y'all be a slow-in-the-mind and shit, then, huh? Like that Down syndrome and shit. My cousin got that shit. Ain't got no neck and shit. Fuckin' shit, nigga can't fit no shirts. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, yeah, well, it's not uh- it is not Down syssdrome, it's way different from Down syndrome, just look it up on Wikipedia, and it's A-U-T-I-S-M. <font color="#000000">Lars: Be more like that Asperger's and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Um... <font color="#000000">Lars: I ain't know anyone with that Asperger's, I hear that's some shit. They be all up in them trains and shit. Maybe I should get tested for that shit, I have my boats and shit. I probably grew out of it though, got rid my boats, though. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: So you got them Asperger's and shit, all right dog- all right. I hear you, I feel you. I feel you, yo, we all got our- we all got our differences, we all gots our liabilities. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: What else you got dog? Yo dog, you- you seem like a nice nigga and shit. Man, I ain't think this call gonna be pleaseant and shit, but so far we be doin' good. I ain't know why Jackie be comin' back to me and shit, when she got you. Says she ain't happy with you though. Why we gotta be talkin'? Why Jackie havin' us do this shit? She ain't explain nothing to me. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, she’s, uh- <font color="#000000">Lars: Man, yo, I love the bitch and shit, sometimes she treat me like a fuckin’ house nigga. Shit, won’t-bitch won’t tell me nothin’. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. I hear you. My-my mom-it happens between my mom and dad. It’s, uh, lack of communication and-yeah, shit like that. <font color="#000000">Lars: Feel that, feel that. Fifty percent of marriages in this country lead to divorce because of that shit. Now, I’m a black man, so I’m naturally afraid of marriage and shit, so that probably ain’t gonna affect me and Jackie. But still, shit ain’t right. Shit ain’t gangsta. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. I hear- <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit ain't cornbread. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I hear that. <font color="#000000">Lars: So why Jackie be not happy with you and shit? I mean, y'all know why Jackie wasn't happy with me. I wanna know why Jackie ain’t happy with you. We got-we got’s to bond like true niggas. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. Well, uh, she and I, uh, we’ve had our, uh, our fights as well, but, uh, with my computer went, uh, went all on the fritz and I wasn’t able to get back out-to get back on, and it’s like, I can’t afford to get a new computer right now to, uh, replace-a new computer tower, and, uh, and we-and we haven’t been able to talk to each other through, uh, AIM and, uh, she’s kinda felt neglected on that. And, uh, also she requested me to upload-to make and upload videos to YouTube for her, which I have done, and, uh- <font color="#000000">Lars: A’ight, a’ight, I know about them videos and shit. I’ve been watching that shit. Man, I’ve been wondering what that shit all about, then I find out Jackie been asking y'all to do shit. Yo yo yo yo dawg, let me ask you a question and shit, though. Yo- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh huh. <font color="#000000">Lars: You been doing these-You been doing these videos and shit. Why she be mad and shit? You be doing what she asks, right? You be doing everything- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: -she asks? (pause) Somethin’ about- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Somethin’ about some comic she was bitchin’ about the other day. I was like, “Bitch! Go make me my fuckin’ steak dinner, bitch!” But she just keep railing on about that fuckin’ comic video. I watched that comic video, you scribbled some shit, maybe ‘cause you ain’t colorin’ shit, I don’t know. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, I mean, uh- <font color="#000000">Lars: Jackie-Jackie like them colors. Yo, hell, I ain’t got to tell you she like colors. She like me. That’s all the color she needs. I guess she wanted more color from you, though. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, well I mean, I recorded that video, I hadn't had a chance to color it in yet, but I had planned to color it in after that, and uh, and th- and I'll be taking the, uh video file and uploading to YouTube at the, uh, library. I just haven't been able to get out in my car lately.

Turf Wars (12:30 - 16:00)
<font color="#000000">Lars: I heard it be somethin' 'bout you pickin' fights with- with artisans and shit, other cartoonists? You be like, trollin' and shit. Startin' gang wars and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Turf wars? I come from the streets, I know what turf war be all about. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Eh. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit. Ain't no winners in that game. Everybody lose. [Pause] <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hm. Well it's uh, not really a turf war, it's- ah, but I guess it can be considered like that. It's a- I have- I have been havin' my fights and bouts against a- like, a Internet bullies, and cyberbullies. Trolls. <font color="#000000">Lars: What is- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [interjecting] They just, uh- they just, uh- think they're breaking uh- I became like, a Internet celebr- Internet c-celebrity with my, uh, crea- my uh, my genius of my comic, in my comics and whatnot. So yeah, they uh, just essentially torture me. They, uh- They- they- they- like, they- uh, really weigh me down. And plus, they, uh- like, called my, like, got my, they got overtime from between the hackings and they uh, pretend to be other people, and- and uh, and all that damn shit. It's, they uh- get a whole bunch of, uh [unintelligible] <font color="#000000">Lars: I feel you, dog. I feel ya. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: They get a whole bunch of footage from me and they just twist it and turn it the wrong way and just make my-and they just smear my once good name in the mud. Makes it very hard for me to get a job of my own with the background checks. Then-and they pretty much Google my-Google my name and all you get was, uh-all you get’s pretty much, other than the first, and their sole results is, uh, damn CWCki and uh, damn Encyclopedia Dramatica and that’s just a whole bunch of weigh-me-downs- <font color="#000000">Lars: I feel ya, I feel ya. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [unintelligible] –bad about me. <font color="#000000">Lars: That fuckin’ man hold a nigga down. Shit, I’ve been living that shit, whole life and shit. Damn. Fuckin’ niggas tryin’ to hold a nigga down. Yo yo, yo- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: You know, Lars- <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo yo yo, let m-oh, no no, you go ahead, dawg. You go ahead. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Okay- <font color="#000000">Lars: You go on with your righteous self. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. Anyway, they also misla-they also mislabel me as a homosexual when I am a straight man. <font color="#000000">Lars: Homosexual and shit? Damn. Like on the DL? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [unintelligible] <font color="#000000">Lars: That what they say? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah they be calling me- yeah, they be calling me gay. But I'm a- but I'm a straight man. <font color="#000000">Lars: Man, I know these niggas. Y'all like, they be all like men who have sex with men an' shit? They call themselves gay, but I'm like, nigga, you be gay if you be having sex with men. I mean, what that shit about? Fuckin' gay niggas, ain't wanna admit they gay. You know that gay shit, though, I think it's that, that macho shit. Ain't no black man want to admit to being a gay. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Dawg. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [unintelligible] Yeah, yeah plus you know what also, you know along those lines what really ticks me off is when they-when they use the word "gay" when they really mean "stupid" or "retarded." <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit. All be like when niggas be using the word nigga an' shit. That be our word and shit, ain't no one got the right to use that shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: You know how that feels 'an shit, it hurts me. Right here. Right fucking here. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I- <font color="#000000">Lars: I be tappin' my chest, where my heart muscle is? You can't see it 'cause we on the phone, but that's what I be doin'. To enunciate my point. So. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I- <font color="#000000">Lars: What you sayin' is, when people call you gay, that be hurting you the same way, 'cause "gay" be like your word. Just like "nigga" be like my word, an' shit. Damn. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Essentially, yeah, I know.

The Alec Bason Nigga Parade (16:00 - 26:43)
<font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, yo, yo, yo, dog, dog. Let me, let me go back, let me ax you. Ya'll say you be drawin' comics and shit, what kind of comics you draw, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. Ugh, it's uh, from a idea I had. Uh, in a nutshell it's essentially combining Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu. Called him, uh, Sonichu. And that's all--he's like this, he actually goes on the adventures and whatnot, similar to Sonic the Hedgehog in one, he's got like electric powers and he can run fast and everything. They, and he hangs around, he hangs around, goes out with his girlfriend and uh, yeah, eventually they get married and uh, they have children. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit, be like Archie comics and shit. Y'know, I always though Archie be gay an' shit. Fuckin' Archie. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: N-no- <font color="#000000">Lars: Archie Bunker with his negativity, fuckin' callin' people nigger. Gooks. Swanks. Wanks. Negros. All of his jughead remarks, shit. Fuckin' Archie. That be like what your comic is like, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, I mean essentially, that would be what it would've been, but then I, then that, I kind of like lost track of when the trolls, the cyberbullies, they weighed me down. And then they, then you know the expression, "too many cooks spoil the broth." Well, they used to get on my mind so much that they get, then I end up drawing them into my comic books, making them into villains, and yadda-yadda-yadda. They just, they just...and they just essentially just worsened my... most of my books. And then- <font color="#000000">Lars: Alright. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. Originally- <font color="#000000">Lars: Alright. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. Originally it was supposed to be like, you know, like ages 7 and up, but then I end up going to the content, uh, it could be considered, be like, be like definitely be considered adulterous. Even some, even some- <font color="#000000">Lars: Alright. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Even some- <font color="#000000">Lars: I see. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Even some naked things I had but I, I just up and did. You know. <font color="#000000">Lars: You ain't be drawing your comic because these, 'cause these white niggas what be hatin' on your work. They be drinkin' all that Haterade. That why you ain't be drawing. I see. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Aw shit, dog! That be why Jackie asked you to do the comic and shit! Shit, it all falls together now, the last puzzle piece in place. Cracka, you know if you stop that it means they win, right? Ya'll gots to get up on that comic and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I real, yeah, I really do need to get back to drawing more, drawing more p, drawing more comics and pages. But I just haven't been able to find the inspiration. They weighed me down so bad they just affe-, they just affected (?) me in the back of my mind and my subconscious. <font color="#000000">Lars: 'Em dog Jackie be telling me she thought she'd be your inspiration and shit. Ain't that the case and shit? What be goin' on then? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, she, yeah, she did- <font color="#000000">Lars: Jackie be all like...Jackie be all like "Aw shit, nigga!" That's what she said to me, she said "Aw shit, nigga! Why ain't Chris be drawin' no comic for me? Ain't I no inspiration and shit? Dayum!" And I'll be like "Damn, bitch! Go make me my steak dinner!" Bitch be ballin' and shit. Fuckin' smack a ho... shit keeps up. Why you ain't draw the comic and shit for her? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Y-y-you can't, you can't exactly rush inspir- you can't exactly rush inspiration, for... uh... for one thing. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, yo, yo! But ain't, ain't my bitch Jackie, ain't she give you the story and shit for this comic vidya? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, she gave me the idea of, like uh, for uh, for the, for uh, one dude who originally was definitely not original part of the comic scene, but then he did his parody against me, and uh, in his comic he portrayed killing me and, they're like getting to war (?) go against me and uh, even, even agreeing with this, even agreeing with this guy who pretends, who uh, pretends to be me and... (sigh). Just more, whole bunch of more shit right there. Anyway, what, anyway what she wanted me to throw him a- she wanted me to throw like a parade in a, in a, in a... in the comic, in my comic scene. And you know, like, you know, I mean he did what he did to me in his comics and I took it literally. It's like, you know, he fuckin', he fuckin' just shot, he fuckin' just, a whole bunch of bullet wounds in one go on my, on my, on myself. And I ain't gonna throw him a parade on that, on that, on that scene and whatnot. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, yo, yo, I feel you angry an' shit, dog, I feel you furious an' shit. You furious at this nigga. An' I feel it. You know, dog- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Jackie be talkin' to me. Jackie be sayin', ain't the problem that you hate this nigga. Problem be, that you lie to her and tell her you gonna do it when you ain't mean to. What up with that, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [Long pause] Well, I have told her that I was eh-I would not be giving him a parade but she just insisted on that and she just, uh, and I would, I would say that she just, kind of like, got in her mind that, she thought that was that-I was definitely going to do that, even though- <font color="#000000">Lars: My shoulder, Jackie. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Told her- <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, yo, yo, yo dog, yo dog, my shoulder, Jackie. She be all like, she email you and ax you to do this video an' shit, an' then you email her back and say, "Yeah bitch, ain't no problem an' shit, I'll be doin' that." Ya'll ain't made no, no... no prov-ver-acations an' shit. Ya'll ain't made no provesations. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yes, well, I mean that, I told her I would, that I would draw her the pages, but I did not tell her that I was going to throw him- throw him a parade in the pages because I had said that I was not giving him a fucking parade. <font color="#000000">Lars: She said she wanted a parade an' shit, and then you write back saying you were gonna do it. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah- <font color="#000000">Lars: I mean I feel her anger. I feel her righteousness and shit. Lie of omission still be a fuckin' lie and shit. Ya'll dig, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [Pause] Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Man, y'all got anger and shit, and I feel that. I feel that, I really do and shit nigga, but y'all got to stand up to yo' woman and shit, damn! Woman be tellin' you to do shit, y'all ain't just be lyin' to her. You gots a problem wit' yo' woman, you ain't lie to her, then all you got's two problems. Ya dig? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: How often you get laid, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh... I'm sorry, what was that? <font color="#000000">Lars: How often you get laid? Pussy. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: How often- <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: How often do I get laid? <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah, when the last time you cut some trim and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hm... I'm actually a virgin. <font color="#000000">Lars: Aw, shit, dog. Explains that anger and shit. This be why you angry at them trolls. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [Pause] Yeah, among other things. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit dog, see- See dog, you be lyin' to women and shit, they ain't like that. Man, you ain't wanna do what no woman tells you to do, you just tell her straight up to her face. Then you have her go make you a steak dinner and shit. But you ain't lie to her and shit. Shit ain't gangsta. Shit be straight busta. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I did tell her straight- I did tell her straight up that I was not gonna be throwing that- I was not gonna be throwin' him a fuckin' parade. I was not gonna draw him in a parade. <font color="#000000">Lars: [Talking over each other] Yo dog, I be looking at printouts and shit. Y'all know us niggas don't be doin' too well on the Internet, Jackie be printin' out printouts and shit for me. Yo I be lookin' at printouts and shit. And... <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: In the email, she said, "Hey Chris, why don't y'all do that parade video for that, Alec... Alec Bason... Nigga, whatever his name is. Alec Bason Nigga. And then you say, "Sure Jackie, I'll be on that shit!" Y'all ain't make not protestations. why ain't y'all say nothing then? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Hm. Well- <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all said you gonna do it. Ya'll not mean to do it. You feel me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, tomorrow, to let you know, uh- This, it was essentially, in the replacement pages where I do not, uh, end up, I do not end up giving Alec a gory- and his crew, a gory demise, like I did originally. (Pause) I did not- <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, bitch Jackie said to throw this nigga a parade. You say "a'ight, I'm a do that." Then you didn't. (Pause) You be lyin' to women and shit often, dog? This be why you still a virgin and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Sigh) <font color="#000000">Lars: Smellin' me, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: No- No, it's... (Sigh) Well... Wait a minute, (Sigh) My brain- I gotta catch up my brain, here. Mm. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, a'ight. I feel that. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Long pause; some grunting heard while Chris catches up his brain) <font color="#000000">Lars: (At Jackie:) Yo bitch don't burn that casserole! Fuckin' bitch. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well- <font color="#000000">Lars: Hold- Hold on. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Yeah, you still there? <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah. Yeah dog, I be here. I be wit' you. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Alright. Alright, well. Well, I do not mean to, I did not mean to lie to her, but I did tell her straight up that I did not- That I had no intention of throwing that... Of throwing that dude a parade. <font color="#000000">Lars: Nah dog, I be lookin' at the emails, she said to throw him a parade, you say you gonna do it. You ain't say "I ain't throwin' a parade." <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Yeah well I told- Yeah I mean I told her I did not wanna throw him- throw him- throw him a parade. <font color="#000000">Lars: When you tell her this shit, I ain't see this shit. When you tell her you ain't throwin' a parade? I need some help and shit, dog, I ain't feelin' where you at. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, maybe uh... <font color="#000000">Lars: Gots ourselves a... discommunication. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I- Yeah... I think it was discommunication. <font color="#000000">Lars: No I mean between us and shit dog, I ain't feeling where you at. 'Cause I see the emails and shit, she say throw a parade for the nigga. You say a'ight. But you ain't mean a'ight. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, I said- Well I said alright in drawing the replacement pages. <font color="#000000">Lars: You said a'ight to the whole email though. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: But I did not- <font color="#000000">Lars: You ain't pick out bits and pieces, and say yes to this, and no to that. That's why I'm- I be confused, I be confuzzled and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hm. Yeah uh-

Fueling the Fire (26:43 - 28:30)
<font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, yo, dog, let me relate a cautionary tale an' shit. Shit, shit happened way back in Jackie an' I first relationship and shit. Man, bitch be all like, "Lars, you best be gettin' rid of them boats, lest I bounce and shit," and I be like, "A'ight, a'ight dog, I'll be gettin' ridda my boats and shit, shorty. Shit, you'll see and shit. Damn!" Then the bitch was like, "A'ight, you be gettin' rid of them boats, I don't wanna see no boats here in forty-eight hours." I'll be like, "A'ight." I ain't mean to get ridda them boats. I just went out and bought mo' boats. Shit, bitch was all like, "Lars, you need to lose boats. Y'all be like, addicted and shit. You need to stop buyin' boats and shit." I be like, "A'ight" every fuckin' time. Every fuckin' time. I just payin' the bitch lip service and shit. Soon enough, whole fuckin' house fulla boats and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: I ain't ever mean to get ridda them boats, I just keep buyin' more boats. Y'all ever had anything like that shit? Someone want you to get ridda somethin', you say "a'ight"? Then you don't, and you just keep gettin' more? Fuckin' addiction, and shit. Fueling the fire. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Be like slavery, fueling them flames of injustice and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Once you got that shit, can't stamp it out, and shit. Sheeeeit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: ...Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all feel me, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I feel you. Hm. Alright well- <font color="#000000">Lars: Who my nigga? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Alright well, anyway- <font color="#000000">Lars: Who my nigga? Whoa, whoa, dog. Who my nigga? Ya'll be my nigga, right? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah- <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all be feelin' me. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah I be feelin' ya. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah. Y'all be my nigga? Say it, dog. Say you my nigga. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Alright... I'll be yo nigga.

Never Gonna Give You Up (28:30 - 34:25)
<font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeit. Dog be righteous and shit, up in here. Be all gangsta and shit. Nigga, I ain't expect this shit, y'all an me. We be homies and shit. Damn. I ain't know why Jackie wanna get rid a yo ass. That's what I'm tryin'a find out an' shit. 'Cause I'm confuzzled. Might be this lyin' and shit, maybe that be why she all mad at you an' shit. Might be somethin' else, I dunno. Anything else? What's goin' on there? (Pause) How much y'all love Jackie and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: How mu- I- I love- I love- I care and love Jackie a lot. <font color="#000000">Lars: How much? How much- you love her more than what? Put it into quantintative terms and shit. (Pause) I'll be like- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well- <font color="#000000">Lars: I'll be like- Every night, I be like, "Jackie, I love yo ass more'n the moon an' shit. I would throw away the moon an' shit, Death Star that shit! Fuck. Ain't need to tides an' shit. All I need's my Jackie." Feelin' me? Damn! <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: What'd y'all give up for that bitch? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Well I mean, I'll give up- I mean I would give up most anything for... for Jackie and me to be together. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo dog, she ever ask... ax you to be givin' up shit for her? (Pause) She ask me to give away my boats and shit. I be all like, refusin' an' shit, first time around. Shit be what burned our relationship. That and the whole fetus thing. Shit. Bitch ain't never gonna let me live that shit down. Be all harpin' on me, every time she serve me dinner and shit. Suckin' my dick, all I hear be like (Does impression of Jackie's dick-muffled voice) "Lars, why you kill my baby?" Fuckin' bitch. Yo, dog, I be digressin' and shit. Y'all my nigga, y'all gots to be cuttin' me off when I do that. Ten to wax philosophical and shit. My bad. My bad. Let's go back to that question and shit. What y'all givin' up for Jackie? (Pause) Thinka she like Lent and shit, what you givin' up? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, I mean, If I had the moon I would give that up for her as well. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, a'ight, I feel ya. Be all... poetical. Metaphorical and shit. Poetaphorical. Shit be romance, all Hallmark greetin' cards and shit. Bitches love that. Bitches be slobberin' all up on yo balls and dick when they hear that shit. Damn! (Pause) Practical terms, though, what y'all givin up for her? Like, like the metaphorical, I be givin' up the moon for the bitch. I ain't own the moon and shit. I ain't got no Death Star. Ain't no Empire gonna let no nigga in charge of a Death Star an' shit. Even that biggest galaxy nigga in the world, Darth Vader and shit, turned out to be pasty fuckin' white dude underneath. Shit. Lando Calrissian, fuckin' Uncle Tom and shit. Sellin' out a nigga to the Empire. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: What y'all givin' up? I gave up my boats. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I actually, uh... <font color="#000000">Lars: I burned them boats! <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Ashes to ashes. Swords to plowsheds and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. I tell you what, I'd be givin' up, uh... all other- I be givin' up, uh... The planet- The, uh planet closest to the Sun for Jackie. Mercury. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shiiit, nigga. Ain't that shit be all dwarf planet and shit now? They be cuttin' three inches off that planet's dick an' shit? Heard that shit back in 2006. Fuck. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: No, you're thinkin' about- You're thinkin' of Pluto, the planet that is farthest away from the Sun, this is the planet closest to the Sun. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, a'ight, I see. I see. Yeah, Space be black an' shit, but don't let that confuzzle you an' shit. Ain't no nigga goin' up in space, I tell ya what. Fuckin'- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Man gonna keep a nigga down. Keep a nigga on the ground. Keep a nigga from flyin'. Keep a nigga from tryin'. Sheeeit. Got my finger on the trigger, niggas wonder why. Livin' in the city, it's do or die, nigga. Y'all feel me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: I know y'all feel me, y'all be my nigga an' shit. Who my nigga? Who my nigga, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I'm yo nigga. <font color="#000000">Lars: You're my nigga, dog. You're my nigga. A'ight, a'ight, a'ight, I feel you. Let's go back to the metaphorical, metafusical, question of the evening. Y'all be givin' up Mercury? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all be givin up the Moon? Y'all be givin' up Ceres and shit? Fuckin' Nix and Hydra, goddamn bullshit little moons. What else y'all givin' up? What practicalities and... reala-tala-calaties be you givin' up and shit? In the here and now, what be down here ain't no planet. What y'all givin' up for the bitch? (Pause) I would give up the Moon, and shit, and I'll give away Ceres, and Proxima Centauri and all that shit, but down here on the planet Earth, I be givin' away my boats and shit. Burnin' that shit. Put it to ash. Put them ashes on the mantle. Up on my fireplace and shit. Ain't got no ashes of my daddy, my daddy be fleein' me when I was a baby and shit. Ain't no black man can raise a baby, they all flee. So I ain't got my daddy's ashes. That ain't where he is. Y'all be my daddy for all I know. Shit. Man, I be waxin' off again! You ever just wax off like that? Shit. Once you start, ya just can't stop. 'Til you pop. Fuckin' bullshit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Anyway dog, I be takin' up all the air time- The word time, dawg, you gots ta lay it down for me, what y'all givin' up for Jackie? I'll be shuttin' up now, I'll be shuttin' up now, y'all see your piece, y'all be righteous. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Alright, the uh, the rea- In the reality... <font color="#000000">Lars: Right, dog. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I'd be giving up my... video game time.

The PS Triple Investment (34:25 - 48:15)
<font color="#000000">Lars: Oh, y'all be gettin' rid a them vidya games and shit. Eh? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah I got rid of the, I got rid of a lot of video games I've been hoarding over the years. <font color="#000000">Lars: That PS Triple an' shit? Damn. Shit be like 800 dollars and shit, right? Shit be like a money sink. I feel ya dog, be good you be gettin' ridda that shit. How much 'fetti you get for that shit? Y'sell that shit off. yeah? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (stressful pause) No, I have not, no- I have not sold my... PlayStation 3. And it ha- and I have invested a lot into it. Ever since I had it. <font color="#000000">Lars: Invested and shit? Y'all be like playin' stocks and shit? What y'all talkin' 'bout, "investin'"? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, it's just, you know... I downloaded a lot of stuff. On to it. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, dog, I be downloadin' a lotta boats and shit, too. Ain't see me keepin' no boats around, I be burnin' all my boats. Ain't no investment, be a curse and shit. Like a black hole. That be one a them astronomical things. Think Pluto gonna turn into a black hole 'cause it pissed off about bein' a dwarf planet. Pluto be like, like a giant boat. Filled with (?) paint kits and shit. All that money. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: So y'all be givin' up them vidya games. Whoa-whoa-wait, wait, nigga. Nigga, nigga, nigga, my nigga. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah- <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all say you givin' up them vidya games, but y'all got no- Y'all got the PS Triple and shit, still. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah that's another thing, I- <font color="#000000">Lars: I be confuzzled. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: That's another thing that, uh, kinda ticks me- It kinda ticks me off a bit, uh, I do not- I do not like it when... When uh, when the trolls, have been- You know, they pretty much seem to have started the trend of calling the PlayStation 3 a... "PS Triple". And I just do not- I just- That just rubs me the wrong way, man. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit, dog. Why y'all ain't like that and shit? Just be a box fulla toys and shit, why y'all be defendin' the name and shit? I mean I feel ya, wantin' to defend the name, defend the honor, defend the honor of a honest woman and shit? Man, I be all up on that shit. Wanna be up that poon tang, you gotta be defendin' that honor and shit. Man, like my bitch, little Cubby, he be sayin' "Bitch, yo bitch be all bitch and shit," <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I hear ya. <font color="#000000">Lars: I be like, "I'm a pop yo ass." <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I be standin'- I be standin' up for... I be standin' up for my woman too, you know, I defendin' her from any- from anybody that comes upon her. Yeah, look- <font color="#000000">Lars: So y'all be defendin' your PS Triple like it be a woman and shit? I be confuzzled and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: The PS... The PS Triple no woman, it just, it's just a... dang material possession. And the- and, and uh, and Jackie being the wonderful woman she is, and the wonderful person, very s- best person there is, you know... She's a lot more important than a dang ol' video game console. (Pause) But still, you know, after I invested a whole lot in there over the- over that- over that... my time I had it, it's like you know, I ain't gonna get that back and I'm certainly not gonna be able to get [indecipherable] for it. Face value. <font color="#000000">Lars: Ain't y'all gonna get Jackie and shit though? Ain't Jackie be worth more than a PS Triple and shit? Jackie cook a mean steak dinner and shit. All the fixins. Throw some grits on there. Some Starburst. Little grape soda on the side. Mmm-mmm-mmm! <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yep. I tell ya, If I can't, uh, If I can't sell my PS Triple, I tell ya something else, I tell you, another thing I would definitely get rid of for Jackie, I'd get rid of a whole bunch of the, uh... Transformers I got. <font color="#000000">Lars: Why can't y'all get ridda that PS Triple though, dog? I- I ain't be feelin' it, I ain't be understandin' and shit. Y'all got my mind twisted and turned, with these phrases. I know y'all ain't mean it and shit, but I ain't be feelin' it. I need y'all help, dog. I be slow and shit, I ain't be figuring it out. Why ain't y'all give up that PS Triple and shit, dog? Worked hook, line and sinker with my boats. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I downl- Listen, I downloaded over 4000 dollars worth of content and... at face value it's not gonna get me back 4000 dollars. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shiiit, dog! Ain't about the money and shit. Shit be about gettin' rid of addictions and shit. Y'know I how much I drop on boats and shit? Forty-five thousand dollars! I got like, six credit cards for that shit. Y'know how hard it is for a black man to get one credit card, I got six! Six, nigga. That's how dedicated I was to them fuckin' boats. That's how- them boats was my life, nigga. Them boats was my life! Sheeit. But I burned them boats, ain't get no money for that shit. That money be gone, nigga. I got debts to pay off and shit. But I be an honest nigga now. I ain't lettin' no addiction control me. Why you ain't get rid a that PS Triple? I be feelin' Jackie, like, that's what she want. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I- I- I- Lemme just- Just let me talk, here. <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all go ahead, dog. I'm listenin'. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Alright. Listen, I do not, I would not need to sell the console in order for me to not spend any more. I just- will just swear upon- Upon my Aunt Corrina's grave. On that, and uh, my fam- On the life of myself and my mom and my dad. Everybody in my family. And I will just not- I will not spend... Any- I will just not spend any more- [Audio gets fucked up here while Chris continues lying] -downloading for the P- <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, I hear ya. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [Audio still messed up] <font color="#000000">Lars: Ain't Jackie ask you to do that a while ago and shit? Ain't Jackie ask you to not spend on that a while ago, ain't that what she said? That what she be tellin' me. Ain't y'all still be spendin' and shit though? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [Pause] I- <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo dog, as a nigga that seen the worst of addictions, I gotta level wit' you, bro. Just ain't work that way, dog. Sheeeeeeit. Y'all go ahead, dog, y'all go ahead. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Look, I mean, it just- it just had to be, uh... one that I would have- I would have to able- I just would have to be able to show it to her in person, you know. I treat- I treat her right. I would treat her right in person, and I would not be th- My money would be going all to- All towards her, and... Not on anything new that goes on the, uh, PS Triple. <font color="#000000">Lars: So you ain't been buyin' games for, like... How long, Jackie ask you that shit like... Months ago, and shit, right? You ain't been buying no games for all that time? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) I ain't been- I ain't buying no game for about a month. Buying no new games. <font color="#000000">Lars: "About a month"? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Ain't gonna... Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: This... This be any games and shit, this be just that... That, what the fuck, Jackie- (Yells at Jackie) Yo bitch, what you call that? That... "PSN" shit? Fuckin'... what that stand for, "PS Nigga" and shit? Sheeeit. Gonna be a lawsuit up there at Sony, with this bitch. Y'all be spendin' money just on that? You don't be buying games at the... Costco and shit? Buyin' them hard copies? (Pause) Don't lie to me, dog, don't lie to me. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: A bunch- a bunch- <font color="#000000">Lars: Dog, you be my nigga an' shit? You be my nigga? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: You be my nigga an' shit, don't be lyin' to me. Bros before hos, dog. We be tight, dog. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I- <font color="#000000">Lars: You be feelin', I be touchin'. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I ain't lyin'- I ain't lyin' to you. It's essentially, you know, the stuff I download from the PSN, there's no... uh, it- And the "N", by the way, it stands for "Network", "PlayStation Network". <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: But anyway, it's stuff that mostly- Stuff, mostly stuff that you just cannot f- You just cannot get on hard copy. There's no hard copy for mosta the stuff they got on there. <font color="#000000">Lars: But y'all still be buyin' shit. Y'all still be buyin' games on PSN. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Yeah, y- Yeah, but, yeah it's like, uh- It's like, uh, world wide web, it's like, Internet thing, it's like... Alright. You- You know of iTunes, right? <font color="#000000">Lars: "Internet"? Like the white folks' street corner and shit, yo dog I feel you. iTunes and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, iTunes, it- <font color="#000000">Lars: Be more like "WhiteTunes", with all that white color. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, iTunes or Rhapsody or Napster. Well, point is, you know, it's... It's uh, you know- <font color="#000000">Lars: So y'all be spendin' money and shit on this PSN. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [pause] Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: But ain't Jackie not want you to be doin' that shit though? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I will- And I promise her that I would not do that, and I have not been... doing that. (Pause) For about a month now. <font color="#000000">Lars: Bitch be tellin' me she up on that PS Nigga, she be lookin' at y'all... Y'all Facebook on that nigga. Shit, I ain't know. I ain't know this Internet shit. Internet be like space, ain't no nigga gonna up on that Internet neither. Fuckin' Man keepin' us down. Anyway... sheeit. Bitch be tellin' me she all up on that PS Nigga and she check your... Your trophies, and your accolades, and shit. Nigga be gettin' all new trophies for new games and shit, all through the month. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Actually those were new trophies for games I had already- I already owned. <font color="#000000">Lars: So y'all be... Y'all be havin' game you ain't played for months, but you still buyin' shit? I feel that, I feel that, I was like that with my boats and shit, I be buyin' boats... I ain't even take 'em in the tub for... six months and shit. Nigga like his bubble bath with boats, no? Some times I have my favorite boats, sometimes I have my less favorite boats, sometimes I have my not favorite boats at all, nigga. I ain't even like them boats. So you and me, we be in the same boat and shit, y'feel me? Sheeeeeeeeeeit. Dawg, we be tight and shit. Y'all be up in my grill and shit. Y'all be... up in my 'fetti. (Awkward Pause) <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I hear that. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight, let me ax you then. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh-huh. <font color="#000000">Lars: So Jackie, she be all bitchin' at you, she be all like, "Chris, I know you ain't be buyin' no boats, and... PSN nigga boats, and... PS Nigga games", and... she ain't want you buyin' none a that shit. A'ight? But then you go... you still gonna be playin' this shit. Yo bitch be all like, ain't want you, ain't want you playin' wit' yo boats and shit, yo PS boats. Shit be all addictive and shit, ya feel? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [pause] Yeah... You have to forgive me for... things there, you kinda talk a little fast, and I'm just tryin' to- Just wanna make sure I'm able to understand you. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, dog, a'ight. You take your time and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah but, we cool. <font color="#000000">Lars: Brovaries before ovaries, and shit. We cool. You take your time. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: You take your sweet time. [pause] <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah bu- <font color="#000000">Lars: So what y'all thinka that? You need a clarification, and shit? A bifurcation? Y'all got, y'all be feelin' me, y'all be feelin my question. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. Uh- <font color="#000000">Lars: So what y'all... <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh, I'm not really sure what the question is, though. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, a'ight, I be, I'll be rephrasin' with the past parsable and shit. So my bitch Jackie, she be all like, "Chris, I ain't want you plain' none a them games, now." You be gettin' games up on that PS Nigga. You be playin' them games all day and night. Sheeeeit, addiction be all "spiral of doom" and shit. Ain't about just the money. It's about the tiiiime, nigga. 'Bout the effort, nigga. All that time an effort, go in to the volunteerin' and shit. Work at the hospital. Be a fuckin' hospice nurse and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Oh- <font color="#000000">Lars: I did that shit for nine months. Fuckin' made me a new man and shit. Watch a buncha old white people die?Sheeeeit. Ain't nothing feel better than that. All them old slave-owners and sharecroppers be droppin' like flies, and here Lars be. Lars McNulty. Sheeeit. That shit feel good, nigga. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, by the way- <font color="#000000">Lars: Watchin' white people die. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: It's like, you're asking me, you're- you're asking me, uh, why I be spending all my extra time playing video games instead of like, you know, goin' out, uh... to volunteer work or some- shi- or stuff like that. <font color="#000000">Lars: True dat, dog, true dat. You be feelin' me. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I be feeling ya. Uh, but mostly, but mostly, uh, on the one point, it's like, I would not know where to look. And plus, you know, goin' out for a job, after all the, uh, after them trolls been weighing me down since November 2007, smearin' my name in the... [Audio cuts out while Chris continues whining]

Fuck Tha Police (48:15 - 57:30)
<font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeeit. A'ight, a'ight, I feel ya. But, y'all know, dog, y'all know them background check and shit, just be for criminal shit. Now I know all about the criminality. I be a black man, I had a record since I was 8. Sheeit. Try'd to rob Starbucks with a fake gun. Nigga, y'all ever rob Starbucks, you best bring a real gun, nigga. Go whole hog on that shit. Ridin' that pagan justice into town and shit. Fuck. You spend any time in the joint, nigga? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I ain't spent no time in no joint, man. <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all be lucky and shit, dog. No, no, y'all ain't be lucky and shit, y'all be white. That's what that shit is. A black man be like... turn 18, he go do two and a half in fuckin' C Block and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I- <font color="#000000">Lars: Taste a lotta maple syrup in that time. Anyway dog, I be- What I be sayin' to you and shit, that background check, they ain't gonna see no... No white niggas on the Internet makin' fun a your... Your Pokémon fanfiction and shit. Y'all feelin' me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeahhh, it- I feel you but- <font color="#000000">Lars: They ain't be holdin' that against you. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah but they have a lot more than just the, making fun of the, uh... Pokémon fanfiction. They got a lot more than that, I mean they claim- I mean they claim me... They- They mis- The trolls, they be throwin' around those bad labels on me, like... a pedophile. <font color="#000000">Lars: Nigga y'all be- Y'all be missin' my point though. Nigga, you ain't spend no time up in the joint. Your background check should be golden shit. Y'all ain't got no problems and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, but th- Yeah. But also, th- I do have po- I do have a police record on file, uh, for... Couple- For... <font color="#000000">Lars: Oh, word? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Couple of offenses... Yeah, I had a couple of police records on file- <font color="#000000">Lars: You be fightin' The Man and shit? Sheeeeeit, tell me all about it, dog, what you be doin'? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh... <font color="#000000">Lars: You be takin' down po-po? Fuckin' 5-0 and shit? What you got? I'll swap stories with you, and shit. You go first, though. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: It be essentially, uh, just... Havin' a bad time and disagreements and what-not. With th- With this, uh- With this... dude, down over at The GAMe- Over at The GAMe and HOBBY PLACe. He just be havin' his own gripe against me, and lookin' for a way- Lookin' for an excuse to ban me from his store, and then, and then... Then he did, so he banned me from the store, he... But he never wanted me to come back, and then I come back like about a year later askin' him- askin' if I can come back and he don't let me come back and... So I leave and then I come back next year and then, uh... Same thing again except worse, he act- he actually gives me- actually puts um... Officially on police record! Don't want- He don't want me... Trespassing on th- He don't want me, y'know, um, being anywhere near that place. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, dog, I feel that. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: He just- He just be all, afraid of me and shit like that. And plus also, I have like, uh, I've had like, uh, past- Past accusations of quote-unquote "soliciting", when I was out in my early days of my Sweetheart Search lookin' for- Lookin' for a woman of my own, be usin' a sign, like you know, I be like... "Current age year-old man, seek- lookin' for an 18-to-current-age-year-old woman! Be my sweetheart and junk!" And they be- They misinterpret that, they be thinkin' I be lookin' just for the- Just for the booty call! But no, I ain't lookin' just for the booty call, I'm lookin' for the long run, the emotional attachments and everythaaang! They just misinterp- They just misunderstand me, and they handcuff me and everythang, they came- They handcuff me a couple a times, they drag me around, and they even dogpile on me one time, rub my head on the carpet, I be bleedin' out- I been bleedin' out left side of my forehead that day! Put me in the dang- Put me in the dang cop car and I get offended by the ambulaaaance, where they see that blood stain... Blood-soaked stain! Heaaaad wouuund, from that carpet burn on the left side of my forehead there! <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, nigga, a'ight, nigga. You get down wit' y'all bad self. Sheeeeit. Badass, you be stickin' it to 5-0 and shit! Tresspassin' and shit. I see, I feel ya, I smell ya, dog. Y'all be tresspassin', be shootin' it off to them white niggas. Shiiit. So y'all be tresspassin' on this here nigga's property to be stickin' it to that man and shit. That be what I feelin'? That be what you doin', dig? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: [pause] Yeeeeeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, a'ight, so you- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: You be feelin' me, dog. <font color="#000000">Lars: So you all go tresspassin' and shit, you know you ain't welcome and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all be like, "Fuck dat shit, I own that store! I'm a go stick that place up and shit! I'm a fuckin' bust a cap in his ass!" Y'all be like, "I ain't gives no fuck about right and wrong and shit!" Nigga in the city, dog. Niggas wonder why. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I be poppin- Yeah I be poppin' a- I'd be poppin' a cap in that- In that old- In that old Michael Snyder ass, I tell you what. It's like, if and I had me, if I had me a real life gun but I don't have a real life gun, though like you know, all I got is my, uh... All I got is my slow-mind wit, and uh, not mu- Not much else going on there. So it's like I don't really have much of an offense, as much as a defense, dog. And I, but- <font color="#000000">Lars: Lemme ax you- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: The only option there is just to split. <font color="#000000">Lars: Let me ax you, dog- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: 'Til another thing, until I can actually go on the offense. <font color="#000000">Lars: Let me ax you, dog. So you gonna take some nigga, and you gonna say like, "Bitch, this nigga be goin' down and shit." And you pick this, you pick this nigga, this nigga at this... This game store and shit. Why you pick this nigga to pick a fight with and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: He- He- He picked- <font color="#000000">Lars: What about this nigga? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: He picked a fight with me first, he just had his own griefs, he just had his own griefs, his own gripes and scares against me. He be thinkin' I be like... He be thinkin' like y'know, I know... He be havin' his own weird accusations against me, probably thinkin' that I w- He probably... Damn troll niggers who... Who damn throw the label of pedophile on me and damn ol' buncha shit offa him. He be throwin' all them labels on me and just lookin' for a damn excuse to kick me out of that store and ban me forever and the he- And then... And then he did find a damn excuse and it damn happened and they called tresspassin' and everthiiing. <font color="#000000">Lars: So y'all, y'all be goin' on property when you know you ain't- It be someone elses property and shit, and you be like, "Fuck that, I ain't give a shit about right and wrong! I ain't give a shit about what someone else wants! I ain't give a shit about no other nigga's property, and personal reliability, and safe-ety. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah besides which- <font color="#000000">Lars: And personal responsibility. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah besides which that- That ain't really his store, he's just rentin' on- He's just rentin' on that location! They just been rentin' there for a long time! It ain't really his- <font color="#000000">Lars: So he be payin' his rent and shit. So it be his store and shit, then. You be all like, "Fuck dat shit, I ain't give a shit 'bout no other nigga's property. I'm a take what I want and fuck all y'all niggas." Shit, dog, I be feelin' that. That be my gangsta life, in my teenage years, back when I be eight and shit. I be all like goin' up in the stores, and be like "What, nigga? What, you gonna kick me out cuz I stealin' shit? Cuz I be yellin' at people? Cuz I be screamin' my head off? Sheeeit. Fuck that shit, nigga! I do what I want!" Be some Maury Povich up in here and shit. I feel ya, dog. You ain't gives no fucks. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Yeeeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah. Fuck that shit! Ain't give no shit if that be his store and what-not. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeeeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo dog, so you say you have a weakness with the offense, but you be good with the defense and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: So let me ax you, some nigga come up in yo house and shit, and be all like, "Dude I wanna come up in here and shit." And y'all be like, "Shit, nigga. This be my house and shit, y'all ain't comin' up in here without no invitation and shit." And he be like, "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, nigga! I do what I want, I'm a call up on y'all house!" What ya'll gonna do? Some nigga come up in yo business. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I ain't got no gun, I'll beat his ass, I'm pretty str- I'm very strong. I'd give him an ol' CLOP! CLOP! HIYA! <font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeit, dog, I feel that. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: If that be the case... But I'd make sure that I be cool, dog, y'know, I'd make sure I started that, like y'know, he'd throw the first punch, and if he throw the first punch and I- Then I de-fennnnd, and I throw- And then I throw- Then I would punch back in defense! <font color="#000000">Lars: Then y'all be throwin' a trespassin' notice and shit on him. Ain't that the truth, nigga. Ain't y'all be, y'all be saltin' the wounds and shit. Puttin' a criminality record upon this nigga. Ain't that what y'all gon' do, dog. Sheeeit. Now I ain't never filed no trespassin' notice on any nigga what started shit with me. See I be a black man and shit, so the police, if you ever call the police when you a black man? They come and shoot your ass. They ain't givin' no fucks. You be white and shit. You can use the system against the system and shit. Y'all see what I mean and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeeeah. I hear ya. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah. Say yeah. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Whole buncha damn- Whole buncha the damn racism that they been got goin' on, but I ain't like that. I be respec- I have respect for my black man. And I have respect for you, man, 'cause we cool.

One Big Gray Nigga (57:30 - 1:04:30)
<font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all be feelin' me, y'all my nigga and shit, dog. Sheeeeit. Nigga be Prime Time up in here, dog. Shit. Fuck. Damn! <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, and in fact I enjoy- I the, uh, comedies- I enjoy the TV shows I get from the... From the black man, including The Jeffersons, and... Bill Cosby, and... Sanford and Son, all a' them. All them- <font color="#000000">Lars: Sanford and Son???! Bitch, I know you ain't bring up Sanford and Son, fuckin' sharecropper shit. Goddamn Uncle Tom and shit. Sheeeit. Traitor to his race and shit, dog. All that spoon jockey [?] shit, blackface... Bamboozled and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I- <font color="#000000">Lars: All I see is sleepin' (?), that's what all that shit be. Fuck that shit, stereotypin' a nigga in a bad light and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well, man I- <font color="#000000">Lars: Us niggas, we already got our trouble with the bad light and shit, 'cause we be all dark and shit. Ain't no light what can shine a good light on our dark skin and shit. Then you got the TV shows. Then you got the H-B-O and shit. Fuckin' shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah well man, I don't mean, I- Yeah I don't mean to jump no jive, man, I just be givin' a few examples of some of the shows I see. But I watch- I watch other shows too, where they- where they make GOOD examples of the- Of the black man and the black woman. <font color="#000000">Lars: Four hundred years, dog. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Four hundred years of opression. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah I- <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo dog, know what I'm doin'? I'm holdin' up my fist in solidarity. Yo, nigga, hold up you fist for me. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: You holdin' up yo fist, dog? Hope y'all ain't smilin' and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah I'm holdin' up my fist, man. <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all ain't be smilin' and shit, right? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Niggas, we can't be smilin'. That takes away... the gravitas of what we can do. See- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I be holdin'- I be holdin' up my f- I be holdin' up my fist in respect, dog. I- <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, dog. Yo, dog, I feel you. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I hold it in respect. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: We cool. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo dog, where all this shit come from? We be bulin' our- our velocity toward ferocity and toward audacity of hope and change and chope and shit. Fuckin' Big Bama's House up in here. A black nigga and a white nigga be mixin' and matchin', make ourselves one big gray nigga and shit. See what I doin', dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Fuckin' bridgin' the gaps of... Of inequality, and ine- inequity, and... ine-quali-equity, and shit. Damn. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, dog, this shit be all about Jackie and shit, though, dog. Jackie be all like, glarin' daggers at me and shit. I be like, "Bitch, only daggers I wanna see from you are those two daggers on yo' chest and shit, now take off your top while you be makin' me my steak dinner!" Bitch be all like, "Sheeeit, I burned myself last time I do that, nigga. Y'all want burn scars on this body?" I be like "Hell no, dog, you already got that C-section scar from where I aborted that baby!" Sheeeit, bitch all scarred up and used up already. So let's get back to Jackie and shit. Now, Jackie ain't be happy wit' y'all and shit. And Jackie ain't sure if she be happy wit' me and shit. So we gots to figure out, and numerate, and enunciate exactly why the posivericating is happenin' with this shit. Why the bitch be mad at you, and why the bitch be mad at me? We figure this out, dog, we figure this out, nigga. Brovaries before ovaries, dawg, you feelin'? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I feel ya. <font color="#000000">Lars: So, bitch be all, like, you be lyin' to her and shit. And I feel that. I feel why she pissed about that shit. And as a advice, and... cautionary to you: Y'all ain't be lyin' to no bitch. Y'all can smack a bitch, y'all can punt a bitch, y'all be like "Bitch, I ain't doin' that shit" all up in her face and shit, but y'all ain't be lyin' to a bitch. 'Cause then the shit roll downhill. Shit be like a Hydra and shit, you cut one head off that bitch, two head grow back, you be lyin' to her. They catch you on that shit, they always do, nigga. Indeed! Sheeeeit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: So, bitch be mad cuz you be lyin' to her. And bitch be mad cuz you ain't gettin' rid a that addiction and shit, y'all feelin' me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah I feel ya, I tell you what, I- I'll make it right, I will make this right with Jackie, I tell you what, you tell her this from me too and I- and I'll promise it to you too, man, cuz we cool. I'll draw a parade for Alec, and I'll make it like, you know, he was found innocent, like she wanted. I'll fix the pages and do it right for her. <font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I'll take care of that like, you know, within- within the next few days, and vid- and it'll be up, all colored and everything, be uploaded. <font color="#000000">Lars: Well shit, dog. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I'll take care of that for her. <font color="#000000">Lars: Well shit, dog, shit, see now in the interest of camaraderie, and... niggaraderie, and all that shit. In the interest of all that shit, this gray nigga we be buildin', I gots to be honest wit' you. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Also, in the interest of not bein' hypocrital, and hippocratical, I ain't takin' no Hippiocratical Oath and shit. Because I be tellin' you not to be lyin' to no bitches, so I ain't can't be lyin' to you and shit. Y'all fell me, dog? I gots to be honest wit' you. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I feel you. Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, a'ight, so, in the interest of honesty and total veracity, I must tell you that I am not a neutral party and shit. See, I burned my boats and shit 'cause I want Jackie back, dog. See? Bitch be all like, all up slobberin' on my dick and balls now, shit. Damn! See, I ain't be finna' gettin' ridda' my bitch, and shit. She be all like, ridin' my dick. She be all like, givin' me the oral play and shit. Fuckin' tongue action, finger play, y'all know that shit, sheeeeit. And the bitch be makin' me my steak dinner, 'cause I burned them boats. So, I ain't finna' be gettin' ridda' this bitch. I got a good bitch goin' here, y'all feel me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah I feel you. <font color="#000000">Lars: So y'all might wanna try winnin' Jackie back. I wish y'all best luck in the world. Cuz see, a'ight, honestly, veracitously, I gots to admit to you, I do think, yo, we are bros, but we still be competin', you dig? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: And I do feel like I have the advantage on you. Cuz my dick be all four inches a straight goodness and shit. Fuckin' straight as a ramrod and shit! That's what call me in high school when I be ramroddin' bitches, they call me "Ramrod". Better than "nigger". Better than "Nigger Jim," that's what that shit they be callin' me, I be like "My name ain't Jim! Call me "Nigga Lars" and shit!" "Nigga Lars"? That shit fine. "Nigga McNulty"? That shit be fine too, but they call me "Nigger Jim"! Who da fuck this "Nigga Jim" be? I ain't know... sheeeit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: That's- I tell ya, that's cool man, I praise you for being able to bang all them hos back in the high school days, I tell you what, I was naïve on the dating subject back in high school, I didn't even think about it, I mean I shoulda ask w- I shoulda asked a woman, I shoulda banged my own share of hos back in the day, but I didn't dawwwg, I just did not think of it! I was really slow, and I ev- and I even had a girl- I even had a girl crush back then. But then she done left me, she was out da- she was out dating with somebody else behind my back, I didn't even know about it. But she and I, we were tight!

The Trail of Tears (1:04:30 - 107:50)
<font color="#000000">Lars: Shee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiit, dog! So what y'all gonna do to win Jackie heart back and shit? Y'all gonna burn that PS Triple and shit. See, see I'ma feelin' that, because that seem like, like the equalizer, and the numerizer and shit, that you all be pullin' to one-up my burnin' my boats and shit. See I be burnin' my addiction, y'all gots to burn your addiction too. Y'all ain't gots to do it literally. I know white people be afraid of fire and shit, I know white people fear fire. See us black folk, we like fire, 'cause we all be like livin' tribal in the Unga Bungas, in Africa and shit. We be usin' fire to keep tigers away and shit! Tigers, man, damn. Tigers be racists and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Well I feel you, man. I'm part Cherokee. <font color="#000000">Lars: So, y'all got- Oh, dog, y'all part Cherokee? Y'all be part a them- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: Them red niggas and shit? Sheeeit, I feel that, dog, I ain't know that about you. Sheeeeeit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, Trail of Tears is in my history. <font color="#000000">Lars: [talking over Chris] What casino you from? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh... I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit, all them Red Niggas, they be up in them casinos and shit. Ain't that right, dog? What casino you from? From that casino tribe- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah sound like a- <font color="#000000">Lars: From the Blackjack tribe? Whitejack tribe? The... Poker tribe? The Hold 'Em tribe? You from them- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: That just- <font color="#000000">Lars: Ain't got no tribes, y'all feelin' what I'm gettin' at. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah I fe- Yeah I feel you, man, that's a- That's just a dang old stereotype, I'm not like one- I am not a Casino Ownah. I ain't no rich man. I mean, I di- I mean- <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all be unemployed and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, that- <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all ain't be no Casino Nigga and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah I ain't no Casi- I- I ain't no Casino Nigga. I mean, we be- <font color="#000000">Lars: See- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, my background, we be of the real- We be of the real Cherokee. From the Trail of Tears and all that. That's from my history. <font color="#000000">Lars: See dog, this be a perfect example of the injustice and inservitude and ingratuity of American history and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yep. <font color="#000000">Lars: See, the red niggas, they be all like, the casino niggas and shit. And then, you come along, and you ain't be... You ain't be havin' no job in no casino, you ain't be havin' no job and shit. You all just be, sittin' on your couch and shit, jobless. And that totally defies the stereotype of the common red nigga, see? So them sterotypes, they be bullshit, 'cause everyone knows your red niggas, they all be hard-workin' and sober and shit. Ain't no stereotypes say otherwise. I hear there is, I'll eat my hat I tell you what. Sheeeeit. Fuck. Anyway, dog, where we at- I be waxin philosophimorical again. Sheeit. We be talkin 'bout- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, dog, it comin' back to me. What y'all gonna be doin' to win Jackie, y'all gonna be metaphorically burnin' your PS Triple and shit. That be right, dog? Is that what y'all gonna do? I be wishin you luck, dog, I be wishin' you luck. I be wishin' you luck and shit, man. Y'know, I'll be ramroddin' Jackie every night and every day, but I respect you, like my nigga. You're my bro and shit. And I want you to get what you deserve and shit. You feelin' me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. I feel ya. <font color="#000000">Lars: So y'all gonna be gettin' rid a that PS Triple and shit. [long pause]

A Tale of Two PS Triples (1:07:50 - 1:17:45)
<font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah my mind be slow and I be uncertain of... everything here. And I definitely... I definitely feel ya and I'm not gonna say that I'm better than you, I'm not gonna say no- I'm not gonna say that. I mean you be- I mean you are- You be a big man, you burned all your boats, dog. I tell you what. But I mean- I spend my mo- I spend my money, I ain't gonna get that much back. I ain't gonna- I ain't gonna just kill it all by burning the dang PS3 because I already di- I pretty much essentially did that. By, uh... Like, pretty much dismantling the previous one I had, and then just running it over with my car, there be videos on the YouTube about that. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo, yo, dog, I saw that shit, you just- You destructicated your PS Triple, and then you get a new one back like a day later and shit. Why y'all go get a new PS Triple and shit, dog? Why destroy it in the first place? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I tried to destroy it, dog, because... Them tr- Because, them trolls, and Jackie knew about it as well, they be offering NINE THOUSAND dollars for footage of the destruction of that PS Triple. And my- And Jackie thought like, you know, I give them th- I give them the footage and the real deal- I give them the real deal footage and what-not, they give- They, the trolls, they- THE troll, he be givin' me back the- He be givin' me that money, I be buyin' me a new PS Triple, she be cool with that, but then it don't happen, he- He fall back on his word, he don't do it, even though there were plans of meetings and what-not, it didn't happen, there was no money! I was- <font color="#000000">Lars: Where y'all get that money then? If there be no money, where y'all get that new PS Triple and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah that be from my- <font color="#000000">Lars: I know all white folks be rich and shit, like at least moderately so and shit, but shiiit, you got that kinda cash around, you got that 'fetti? Where you get the money to buy that second PS Triple? That be like yo' Double PS Triple. Or yo' PS Double-Triple, if you will. Sheeeit. PS Triple-Double and shit. Where y'all get the money for that? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, that be where I sold the, uh, past- The older game consoles that I've hoarded over the years. <font color="#000000">Lars: So y'all go and destroy yo' PS Triple... Then like a day later y'all go and sell like every other game you got... So you can buy back... A PS Triple? [pause] Shit ain't gangsta, dog, why you be doin' that? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: It does a lot more than games, dog! Does movies, does music, does pictures! Does the Internet! I mean pretty much at this time, the only way that I'd be able to access my e-mail, and send and receive, from Jackie and everybody el- From everybody. <font color="#000000">Lars: Why ain't y'all buy a new computer? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Because damn computer expensive. I mean if I had known that was gonna happen I- <font color="#000000">Lars: PS Triple be expensive, dog! <font color="#4682B4">Chris: If I had known that was gonna have happened... I mean it happened at months- It happened- Just happened a month before- A whole month before my computer decided to go and do what it did to me, and become practically unusable and considerably deaaaaad. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yo dog, ain't y'all computer be all broken and shit for a long time, though? Ain't you know you need a replacement and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: No, because- <font color="#000000">Lars: Jackie be tellin' me that she heard some... Some call where you talked to that Alec Benson Nigga guy. I don't know this guy. You talked to him, and he be askin' you why you ain't do somethin' with your computer. I ain't know what. Why you ain't interneting or somethin'. Us black folk, we ain't know this Internet. He ask you that, why you ain't doin' this, and you said your computer be busted and shit. You tell him the same thing you tell Jackie like a year later. Why you ain't replace the computer in all that time, though? Y'all know the computer be busted, but y'all go and buy a PS Triple. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Because the computer was working for me. It wasn't as busted as it was- As it had become a month later. <font color="#000000">Lars: But y'all didn't think ahead and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah- <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all knew the computer was on its last legs and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, my- Yeah, my bad, I did not think ahead. I thought things'd be cool, but then it turned out they weren't. It... Damn whole buncha twist of fate and everything. Be all up my ass. <font color="#000000">Lars: Nigga, nigga, nigga, let me give you a metaphorical illusion, if I will, if I may, if you will. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: It's cool. <font color="#000000">Lars: Now, picture your computer like... Like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga and shit. A'ight, now your computer be like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga. You know what kinda life expectancy a twenty-nine-year-old have on the streets? Zero point zero-zero-zero-four percent, to the power of twelve, to the oneth power. That shit be low and shit. So your computer, in a metaphorical sense, be like a nigga who be facin' his be three-oh and shit. And that nigga gonna get capped and shit, dog! Sheeeeeit. Ain't gonna be no fake gun bringin' up in the Starbucks next time. Nigga gonna get capped. Streets be a lottery and shit, dog. So that computer, y'all know that computer be like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga. See, that computer be functionating and pre-vericating and shit. Just like that twenty-nine-year-old nigga be, in the prime of his life with them ripplin' muscles and shit. But a cap gonna come outta mid air, and shot yo' fuckin' computer in the back of the head when he in line at the Popeye's Chicken. And that be all she wrote, nigga. That be all she wrote. Ain't no Dr. Quinn gonna save this nigga up in here, I tell ya what. Sheeeeeit. So that computer be on its last life, and y'all, y'all know that even though it fuctionin' fine today, that computer get a cap in its ass tomorrow. God gonna fire a cap in that computer's ass. And y'all be knowin' that, but y'all ain't replacin' that, but then y'all PS Triple die, because you killed it. You be murderin' that PS Triple, you be murderin' it in cold blood, like, like it be a nigga what wronged you, what didn't pay you your drug money and shit. So you kill that PS Triple, and then you all go and buy a new PS Triple the next day. But you got your computer here, which need to be replaced, your computer which you use to talk to Jackie. But you can't talk to Jackie no more. You just play your games. Y'all be feelin' me, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I be feelin' ya. <font color="#000000">Lars: So you see, dog, see Jackie be mad because y'all- Y'all be takin' playin' vidya games over talkin' to a real life woman. Sheeeit. I feel her pain and shit. I feel her commissary and commissaratin' and shit. Ain't no PS Triple what got no poontang, I tell ya what. Sheeeeeeeit. Damn! So why y'all... Why y'all pick a PS Triple, over my Jackie Triple? Why y'all be doin' that? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Well... (Pause for stress) Now look, okay dog, I can- Uh... I will still be able to talk to Jacke through the email with the PS Triple, anyway... With the- AIM, uh... Anyway, I- Anyway, I be gettin' a new computer soon enough, and I be back to- I'll be able to talk to Jackie through AIM if, y'know, she'd be willing to. <font color="#000000">Lars: But lemme ax you, dog. Now, your PS Triple be gone, and "soon enough" means, like, a day. But, your computer, you means of communication with Jackie and shit, that be gone, but "soon enough", that amount to like months and shit. That be like the whole trimester of a pregnancy what pass by and shit. Shit, I ain't even let this much time pass by before I evacuated that fetus in her belly. Sheeeeeeeit. That be a bigger decision than any PS Triple, I tell you what. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Hmm... <font color="#000000">Lars: Why y'all go and replace the PS Triple, even though Jackie don't want you to have that addiction? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) It's an addiction that I will be able to... get over easily enough... when I actually have the woman nearby me. Why- <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all be- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: If I- Yeah, you know, I be havin' me- I'll be havin' the woman next to me, and I'd be treatin' her right, I'd be investing more time into her... Right next to me, instead of bein' over the Internet, because I ain't got no power over the Internet, really, Internet just don't work, I- I'm scared to go on the Internet, really, because of the damn trolls, it's real life and- It's real life or bust for me, dog. <font color="#000000">Lars: But... But dog, okay, dog, I be feelin' that. Them Internets, they be a scary place and shit, especially for a nigga. Sheeeeit. Ain't no fourth dimension and shit up on that Internet what no nigga like myself gonna walk up into, you feelin' me? Sheeit. Shit like a minefield and shit. Damn, dog. But Jackie, see, Jackie, she be all like, "Chris, I know you know I want you gettin' rid a that PS Triple and shit. Shit be like a black hole of addiction and shit, suckin' up your life." And see, what I don't get is why y'all ain't gettin' rid a that PS Triple, because that shit is no good for you. And you gettin' rid a that shit, even if Jackie ain't exist and shit, even if Jackie ain't up on my dick and shit, then you get rid of that PS Triple... You a born-again man. You a new man for gettin' rid a that shit. See, I burned my boats and shit before I even called Jackie, because I knew even if Jackie be all rejectin' me and shit, I'd be a new man for gettin' ridda my addiction. I be a strong man and shit. Show me your strength, nigga. Y'all be feelin' me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I feel you. <font color="#000000">Lars: Word, dawg. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.

Downtism (1:17:45 - 1:23:05)
<font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah... Uhh, alright listen, we be havin' a cool conversation, it's been good, um... Let me, uh, talk- Let me talk to Jackie for a little while. <font color="#000000">Lars: Let's see if that bitch be around. (Pretends to walk around) Yo bitch! Bitch, where you be at?! Now hold on, dog. Sheeeeit, where that bitch at? Hold on... Checkin' the kitchen and shit. Fuck, meatloaf only half-done and shit. Bitch can't even make a meatloaf and shit and steak and shit at the same time? Damn. Used up bitch, poontang and shit. What the- oh, the fuck that smell be? Aw, fuck- Bitch, I told you not to go to that Taco Bell and shit no more! Shit ain't gangsta! Sheeeit. (Back to Chris) Bitch be all like, makin' number two and shit right now, she ain't comin' out for a whiiile, let me tell ya that shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh-ohhhh. <font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeit, dawg. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: That be- I hear you. <font color="#000000">Lars: See now dog, y'all got to feel my pain and shit. See y'all just be hearin' about it, I gots to smell it and shit. Damn! <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I hear ya- I get it, I- I can- I hear you, be all- <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all know how strong the sense of smell on a nigga is? Y'all be a white nigga and shit, I be a black nigga. See us wide nostrils, we smell like three times what you smell and shit. See, my nostrils, that be like my PS Triple because it's triple the smell power of your... Your thin, white nostrils. Shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah well I hear you, dog, I know what- I know what crap smells like and how it comes out. (Clears throat) Excuse me. <font color="#000000">Lars: So why y'all ain't gonna get rid a that PS Triple for Jackie and shit? That be, that be my... confuzzlation and shit. (Pause) See, dog, y'all be like... Lemme put it how I see it, and then I'll wait for yo' responsification. See, all I see, is y'all be saying that y'all ain't gettin' rid a that PS Triple 'til Jackie be by your side and shit. See y'all be wantin' Jackie to be like, watchin' you, and to be like, houndin' you, and to substitutionalize for that PS Triple and shit. But y'all ain't wanna be gettin' rid a that shit just for yo' own damn self. (Pause) You feelin' me? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I feel you. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, dog. Righteous. Righteous and shit. See Jackie, Jackie be feelin' all hurt and shit 'cause y'all ain't wanna improve yourself. Y'all know how fleetin' life is and shit, nigga? Life be fleetin' and shit, even for a white nigga. White nigga can expect to live past 30. Black man can't, but a white man can. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Hmm. Yeah. (Pause) <font color="#000000">Lars: So why y'all ain't improvin' yourself, dog? (Pause) <font color="#4682B4">Chris: To be honest, I- I really- To be honest... I just don't know. (Pause) It's pretty much, you know, I had my- My mind is so slow, and... It be- I just be fear of change, and... It just hard- It's just hard for- It's just really hard for me and my... Mental- And my mental capacity to... To go through a whole bunch of change so quickly. <font color="#000000">Lars: Ah, I see, cuz a that Downtism and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: No it- <font color="#000000">Lars: I feel you, dog, I feel you. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Uh- <font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeeeit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: The- It- Not Down syndrome, autism. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah, yeah, the Downtism. That be what I- Yeah. Shit. Anyway, dog, so what y'all sayin' is, ya got ya vidya games, and Jackie, she be like a woman, with the poontang and shit, and a meatloaf and steak dinner, and y'all be afraid of that. Y'all stick wit' your video games, cuz that all ain't makes you afraid like a woman do. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: What- NO. I'm not- I am not afraid of a- I am not afraid of a woman. <font color="#000000">Lars: Y'all be like, y'all ain't wanna give up PS Triple for a woman though. (Awkward pause) <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Chris grunts. It's safe to speculate that he has shit himself by this point.) <font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Sigh), lemme think. (Chris thinks for like 30 seconds) <font color="#000000">Lars: Nigga you gruntin' or some shit. Shit, dog, y'all be at Taco Bell and shit too, like my Jackie? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. Umm... No, I- I did not go to Taco Bell today. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit, what you eat, dog? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I had- I had me a- I had me a fish fillet tonight. <font color="#000000">Lars: Shit... ain't no nigga be eatin' no fish. Y'all know us niggas be afraid of water and shit. Why y'all be gruntin', dog? Shit not be settlin' in your stomach and shit? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Hm. (Long pause) I'unno.

Remember Kenan & Kel? That was a fun show. (1:23:05 - 1:28:08)
<font color="#000000">Lars: So dog, a'ight, a'ight, let's get back, let's get back. Why y'all... Y'all say you ain't afraid of no woman, and y'all want a woman, but... But yo' actions, and even what you just say to me now, show that you want a vidya game more than a woman. I GUESS I feel that shit, y'know what- I lost my virginity at the age of ten and a half. And ever since then I be all up in the poon tang. I be like a poon hound and shit. See I ain't play no vidya games since like, Atari, and shit. Shit be old school. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah- <font color="#000000">Lars: Back then everything black and white, not just race politics, see? Y'feelin'? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. I feel you. <font color="#000000">Lars: So you know, dog, my first time be scary and shit, I only make that bitch cum like two and a half times. See I be all performance anxiety and shit, but I got through it. Y'all gots to be a MAN and shit. Man up. Y'all gots- Y'all be a man? Or y'all be a boy. What y'all be? (Pause while Chris decides) <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I be a man. <font color="#000000">Lars: See dog, see what I'm feelin', and rightfully, righteously, rightatiously I should not be tellin' you this, because this hurts my chances and shit. But I will tell you in the interest of bros before hos, that if you got rid of that PS Triple, you got rid of it and you never buy another one, Jackie'd probably kick my black ass out the door and shit. You get rid a that PS Triple, I be out on the street, and Jackie be on your doorstep first thing tomorrow morning and shit. That's all the bitch talk about when she talk about you, is the PS Triple. "PS Triple this, PS Triple that." Well sometimes she talked about the lies and shit too, but mostly the PS Triple. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause) Yeah... I hear ya, it's- It's a lot. Alright, well- Listen, it's a bit late, and uh... I wanna be gettin' me a good night's- I wanna be gettin' me a good night's sleep. Cuz, you know, gonna be another day tomorrow. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, dog, a'ight, I feel you. Yo, yo, dog, yo dog. You know what I'm doin' right now? Now what I'm doin'? <font color="#4682B4">Chris: What? <font color="#000000">Lars: Holdin' up my fist, dog. Solidarity! Peace, dog. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. Alright. <font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeit. So y'all got your vidya games, Jackie- She be all up in that toilet, like another hour or two, shit... I'll tell her to wipe her ass and them come jump on my dick and shit. I'll be like all up in that poontang. Yo, I'll write you an email and shit, tell you all about that poon tang. And you write me an email tellin' me about y'all video games, that way we can exchange and learn from each other's culture, see 'cause I- I be like with a woman and shit, and I can tell you what that be like. And you be playin' vidya games, which I ain't familiar with, and then tell me what it be like to just be playin' video games in your room all day. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: (Pause, not getting it) Hm. <font color="#000000">Lars: See, we each have our different priorities. See, you want your video games and I want Jackie. I wanna be with Jackie. See dog- Dawg, dawg, dawg, now... I'll let you go soon, I'll let you go soon, cuz I know you tired and shit. I know white people like to go to bed before midnight. But let me ax you something, one more question real quick. I be your nigga and shit, you be my nigga. Y'all be honest and straightforward with me. Now- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I be honest and straightforward. <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, a'ight, now y'all be sayin' to Jackie that you want Jackie and shit. Y'all be sayin' to everyone out there that you want Jackie. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah. <font color="#000000">Lars: More than anything. But the situation- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I want Jackie more than anything. <font color="#000000">Lars: The situation be like, you ain't givin' up no vidya games for her. Y'all just want your vidya game. So you can tell me, bro. Tell me, my nigga... Y'all really want Jackie or not? Or do y'all want your vidya games more than you actually want Jackie, if you want Jackie? You can be honest with me now- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: I want Jackie- I want Jackie and I want to be able to keep my video games. <font color="#000000">Lars: Sheeeeit, dog, that ain't always an option. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Or as we say in nigga culture, "Can't have your grape soda and drink it too." Cuz see, black people don't eat cake. It's that devil food, it- <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yeah, I like- I like orange soda. <font color="#000000">Lars: Yeah, yeah, yeah, orange soda. That be what white people drink. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: You remember Kenan & Kel? That was a funny sh- That was a fun show. <font color="#000000">Lars: Who the fuck Kenan & Kel? That the nigga that owe me money? You tell that fuckin' nigga to give me my fifteen dolla'! You see that nigga? Sheeeit, fake nigga if ever there was one. Damn. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: No, I- I'm talking about the show that was on Nickelodeon. <font color="#000000">Lars: Nickel-lo... What the fuck do that be? That be one of them nickel and dime theaters from the 1920s and shit? Fuckin' flappers and shit, women with short hair? Sheeeeeeit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Yea- Alright, well I'll let you- Alright, well I'll let you go, it's been- It's been cool hangin' with ya. You my nigga- (Lars talks over Chris) <font color="#000000">Lars: A'ight, dog, I'll talk to you soon. I'll talk to you soon, I'ma go fuck Jackie now. I'll talk to you soon, dog, we'll be in touch and shit. Nice meetin' you and shit. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Okay. Yeah, alright. <font color="#000000">Lars: Goodnight, dawg. <font color="#4682B4">Chris: Goodnight.