Catherine

"Yes, we could be Gal Pals, but you Have to also realize that I still have the Ugly Growth that if we were in bed, you could enjoy this near seven incher damn cock!"

- This is verbatim what Chris e-mailed to Catherine.

"when it comes to Catherine, we actually used extensive inside information to orchestrate that [saga]. It actually affected Chris mentally way more than we thought it would, because he kept citing that 98% compatibility rating [from OKCupid] persistently when Catherine tried to break up with him. We specifically matched every answer we made with every answer he made."

- Marvin

Catherine Sorrentino was, according to Chris in mid-2014, his latest sweetheart. Little is known about her personally, only that she wasn't real and admires trolls lonely, crazy men. She had an English accent and heritage, and as such used British spelling, which seems to have permanently impacted Chris's spelling. She was almost certainly white and younger than Chris, as his preferences preclude anything else. Although everyone knew her as Catie, Chris insisted on calling her Catherine. The two met on OKCupid in July 2014, when Christian discovered that she was a 97% match (which guarantees she's destined to bear his child), and pursued her. He kept her identity a secret until after their first date in late August. After several adventures, Catherine informed Chris in December that she was not interested in a relationship with him, sending him into another downward spiral of anger, loneliness and depression.

The relationship revealed
In early July 2014, fans discovered that Chris had created an updated OKCupid profile. Later that summer, Chris announced that he had found himself a new sweetheart. The first public indication was on 29 August, when a member of Kiwi Farms revealed that she had received an autographed photo of Chris which included a note, signed 18 August 2014, in which Chris said that he had a "girlfriend." On 31 August, Chris claimed on Facebook to have gone on a date with his girlfriend while wearing a Britney Spears perfume. On the same day he also changed his Facebook relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship," and according to the status change, the relationship had begun on 9 July. In the next few weeks he made a few more Facebook references to his unnamed sweetheart. On 5 September, Chris told his eBay customers that the commissions they had ordered would be delayed because he was busy with his girlfriend.

Chris's fans were entertained by this new development, but there was great controversy over whether or not Catherine was a bona fide sweetheart. The responsible trolls did a good job of keeping a tight lid on things through the fall. On 11 September, Chris responded to his fanbase's skepticism with this status:

"I want to make something very clear. My Girlfriend and Sweetheart is Very Real; she is NOT a Hooker or Prostitute. And I certainly am Not spending money on Hookers or Prostitutes."

- Chris, carefully using the present tense

It would not be until December that the inner circle would spill the beans and finally reveal that Catherine had been a troll, initiating the leaking of documents.

The date
Catherine went on two real-life outings with Chris, the first of which, on 31 August, was considered a date by both parties. The account sheds light on how Chris's behavior towards women continues to be less than exemplary. Catherine's tale is below:

I approached the first date with Chris like most people approach online dating, you just set up some lunch or coffee date or some shit and see if you can tolerate one another without the computer screen. Except that I knew I was going to have to hand-wave and tolerate an awful lot of crazy shit, most of the early Catie interactions online were a lot like any budding online friendship via a dating site.

When I started out, it was entirely on my own with no involvement from Christorical figures and trolls. I didn't expect to get anywhere. Most would-be trolls don't. So there was no plan for an irl meeting since I'm too chicken to go it alone. When I got advice/help from other Christorians, that's when we put the idea together for a date.

I think I did refer to it as a "lunch date" or something like that, but it was the same routine I've gone though from online dating before. I tried to keep the Catie interactions as normal as possible, as weird as that probably sounds. Chris wanted to spend an entire day together, go bra-shopping at Target with him, wanted me to spend the night and watch movies with him, even asked me what I like for breakfast so he could buy it. It would have been kind of nice behavior if it weren't the first time he was going to meet this woman. I told him a few times that I wasn't going to spend the night with him, but he persisted in believing I would.

It took place the last weekend in August because it took a while to coordinate. By then, Chris had been chatting with "Catie" for about four weeks. My "Cousin Al" came with me so I wouldn't be alone with Chris at Applebee's. It was set for like 2pm or something but Chris told me he always likes to be half an hour early for dates (all two of the ones he's had in his life?), so WE had to be there early so we could get there first. This is a rundown of the date itself from right after:

12:45pm: Arrived in Charlottesville. We knew Chris would be early since he said he was "always early for dates" though he's had all of like three dates in his life including this one. Took a few mins to adjust before going in and getting a seat. Faced the door so wE could see him coming.

1.10pm: VISUAL CONTACT ESTABLISHED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Al spotted him first in the car park, said, "It's either Chris or an ugly old woman." He looked right at us and I waved, and he sorta waved back, but got seated separately because autism. He was two booths down. I bit the bullet and went over. He wanted me to use some shitty-ass stupid pickup line, "What's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?" But I just asked if he was Christian. He all but leaped up and squawked, "CATHERINE! YOU'RE HERE!" Then he side hugged me before I could employ evasive tactics and I led him to our table. The look on the waitress's face was priceless. She may need serious therapy after this.

Chris was wearing a red T-shirt and grey undershirt, his "kilt" (really some old lady style plaid skirt to the calf) with turquoise tights, and grotty sneakers. I hoped he would wear high heels, since he said he likes wearing them. His hair looked like straw, probably from the bleach he used to use, and he had a silver hairband and green earrings. He had on blue eyeshadow and purple eyeliner and red lipstick that appear to have been applied by someone with advanced Parkinson's. He smelled very strongly of what we later found out was that Brittany Spears purfume. He shook Al's hand and used hand sanitizer. He seemed genuinely amazed I was even there.

1.30 - 3.30pm: The date went really well. Chris had some trouble with volume control when we talked about Jerkops and we asked a lot about his conspiracy theories. He thinks Snyder bribed the police to beat him up and ran into their car himself and there are still trolls making it impossible for him to get work. We pressed him for details on his corruption conspiracies because we wanted to see how depraved they were, under the pretense that he could sue for millions. But after he couldnt come up with good answers he stress sighed, and we changed the subject.

We asked after Barb's teeth. She has really bad cavities apparently.

The rental is secured through November, according to Chris.

Chris expects Catie to move into 14BC with him and Barb. He had previously expressed willingness to move to [another town in Virginia ] with Catie, but he's either changed his mind or forgotten or both. Chris thinks Barb could handle little kids in the house too, when Al asked how he would have a family living with his mother. Chris thinks Barb would be a great babysitter and caretaker, so I guess there goes Chris's plans to be a House Husband.

He kept trying to hold my hand so I negotiated lunch like a t-Rex with strumpy little arms. Then he tried footsie under the table. And he stared at my tits a lot. I kept hoping Cousin Al would say something but he never did. In retrospect I should've called him out on it.

Barb's family apparently also think Barb is a useless drunken whore too. (Note: a few days after the meeting, Chris told me that when Barb was young, she aggressively went after her sister's husband or fiance. I think it might have been Cousin Harriet's husband, Tom. Anyway, the family concluded that Barb is a shitty person and pretty much wrote her off, except Aunt Corina for some reason. Tom and Harriet still occasionally exchange pleasantries with Barb, but won't let her visit or even tell her their address.)

Chris now tips 15%; I gave the waitress all my singles and wrote "I am so sorry you had to see that, you're a trooper!" on the check.

3.30pm: We were going to escape to the "mechanic" where Catie's car was, but Chrissy wanted to follow us. When he offered to show us 14BC, we took him upon it. We followed him even though Al knew where we were going. Chris seriously drives like my demented old grandma who doesn't have a license anymore because she kept going the wrong way up one way streets.

Chris said, "This isn't how I imagined bringing a girl home!"

The place is.... Bad. Much smaller than I thought it would be, too. Its overgrown and there is broken glass everywhere. Everywhere you look there's STUFF, all garbage. Bob's old workshop is full of rubbish. His greenhouse is doing slightly better but not much. There's an early 90s Cadillac in the yard covered in plant growth that hasn't been moved since the fire, they want to sell it and expect $2000 - $5000 for it.

Al expressed interest in buying some of Bob's records and chris was pretty happy about that. More Lego money!!

4pm: We go to the rental. It is literally stacked to the ceiling with stuff in places, no exaggeration. Chris occupies both upstairs rooms, one is full of Lego (including melted, warped fire damaged Lego, a lot of it), and the other has his same grotty bedding from the old house. He keeps a pic of Catie on his nightstand and practices kisses on it. I should have told him that was creepy as hell but at the time I was just way too stunned that he even had it there. He introduced me to Bob via an old picture. He kept putting his arm around me and getting creepy too close so I kept moving around and fake sneezing. I thought it was because he's creepy, Al thinks it's his autism, but it's likely both. Funnily enough he mentioned earlier that his experiences with Megan taught him NOT to do that touchy creepy thing. He was bragging about it.

We looked at his yearbooks. Physically handled them. He has two from his Seinor Year. They smell smoke damaged but aren't too bad. I never found out why he has two yearbooks, I think he said Barb gave him an order form and Bob also did. Nobody signed either, Chris seemed surprised at the suggestion that people sign yearbooks at all.

Barb was actually very pleasant. But I know abusive people: the mask of normalcy is their cover. She said I was very pretty and we chatted about family history and Cole nearly dying of a sinus infection when he was nineteen. Barb thinks the insurance agent hates her because she is "too smart" for them and too shrewd, rather than being a cantankerous old harpy.

The Chandler's pets pee and shit in the house on newspaper because they're too lazy to take them for walkies. The dogs are untrained, hate strangers, and are at least twenty pounds overweight. Their bellies all but drag on the floor. One nearly bit me when I offered to let it smell me.

When we made our escape, Chris said, "You asked what a girl like me was doing in a place like this?" (No Chris!!) "Well I'm waiting for the sweetest most honest woman in my life!" And put his arm around me to kiss me so I sneezed again to get him to back off. I waved at him when we got into the car and he still thinks I blew him a kiss.

He gave me a goodie bag of shit, mostly My Little Pony related. There were the two pictures he drew of me, and the CD. There was an MLP iPhone case because he also wanted to take me shopping for an iPhone to put on his plan so he could call me as much as he wanted. I turned him down but he said I could regift it. No clue what happened to it at this point.@undefined

The bowling outing
Catie's elective suffering didn't stop there. She treated herself to another outing with Chris, which she insisted was platonic. It didn't end well, with Chris refusing to be just friends. She has provided some description:

The dog's situation is really bad. I didn't know how bad until the second outing, and now months later I'm angry that I didn't do anything about it. There's just so much insanity in dealing with Chris that you sort of lose the ability to react any further.

The second outing nearly didn't happen because of a bunch of personal, car, and logistics issues on everyone's part. Barb had to go deal with the insurance/rental people because the insurance wasn't going to pay anymore rent for them because, I guess, they expected the Chandler house to have been rebuilt by then. It was almost eleven months by that point, after all. So Barb was away from home and Chris called me saying he couldn't leave the house without his mom there. He suggested I come 'hang out' at the rental, but no way was that happening.

When I asked why he couldn't leave, he explained the dogs couldn't be left alone. Why? Well, Barb and Chris have never, ever, EVER left then home alone. Ever. If errands need to be run, then someone has to stay home with the dogs or the dogs have to come with them and wait in the car. Chris claimed they would "destroy the house", tearing up furniture and chewing everything and peeing and crapping and basically all the bad things dogs are capable of doing. He said it like this was totally normal, that all dogs must do this since his dogs do it. I told him that that's what bored/frustrated/understimulated animals do, but he brushed it off. I was stunned, but also trying to salvage the meetup.

Chris said he'd wait til Barb was home, but after he found out it could be a few hours until she got back, he came up with this stellar plan: he was going to load those dogs into his car and leave them there while we bowled and had dinner! Dey like da cawr, mmm! I desperately tried to dissuade him from this, and when Al and I stopped for gas, I got the Virginia SPCA phone number and resolved to call them and anonymously report if Chris had those poor animals in his car. (I'd slip away to the ladies', but for all I know Chris would have followed me since girls always go in pairs, teeheehee!) Barb turned up last minute and so we never got to see the SPCA Saga.

Now I'm wishing it had happened. But when you deal with Chris, there's so much crazy going on that you basically run out of reactions. I wish I had done something.@undefined

Chris wanted to kiss me after the second outing (which I adamantly declared was not a date, several times, which Chris refused to accept), and I said no. That's weird, that's creepy, we aren't dating.... NO. He asked for a hug, instead, and I still said no because I said it felt uncomfortable since we weren't dating. So instead he "walked me to the car" and as I was getting in he just half climbed in after me and hugged me really awkwardly, bent in half since I was sitting down, face-down in my tits. His hair smells awful and his hairline is like half back on his head. It was one of many moments where I was so stunned I couldn't meaningfully react.@undefined

Leaked Information
The Catherine Saga produced much leaked media.

Even before their first date, Chris was so hopeful about their future together that he sent three Apology Letters to Charlottesville locations in a bid to lift bans against him, specifically so that he and Catherine could go out together in public. He thought it important that the manager of Charlottesville Fashion Square know that he and Catherine "deeply Love (NOT to be confused with the act of intercourse) and care for each other with honesty and compassion."

At the Applebee's date, Chris gave Catherine a mix CD, "Three-Quarter Woman", containing a bland morass of bubblegum pop and videogame themes. By this time he had also given Catherine some original artwork, which seem to illustrate how the trolls had destroyed his life, and how Catherine had revived it by, uh, zapping electricity from her nipples into his. One of the songs on his CD was "Jump Start My Heart" by Melanie Safka, so maybe that's the allusion.

Catherine also obtained a never-before-seen Christmas video in 2004, from the Director's Cut version of his Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :) DVD.

Open relationship arc
In late September, Catherine went to a bachelorette party and wedding in New York City, leaving Chris all by his lonesome in Virginia. Ever since first meeting each other on OKCupid, Chris had claimed to want an "open relationship," for reasons which (as yet) are not entirely clear. Catherine decided to test Chris's commitment to this challenging arrangement by meeting a rich, handsome JERK named Colin, joining him for dinner and a sailing excursion. Given that he and Catherine had just had an argument over finances, Chris's paranoia was raw and open. Without knowing a thing about him other than he was wealthy, and even after being assured by his gal pal Shaina that Colin was "from a good family and was of good character," he immediately emailed Colin:

"Catherine and I have been getting on knowing each other, growing mutual deep emotions and fondness with mutual care and respect, for over a month now. Recent events have her feeling off, and I Really Wish for her and mine relationship to be Forever Lasting. Your Possible Flirtatious Actions and Wealthy Tricks with Deceptions are NOT helpful in the situation! As I have a lot of worry and care and respect for her Very Much! Not only That, but I fully support her for the Orientation she is, as well as The Sweetest, Kindest and most True and Pure Soul that she is! I can only imagine that your Cold, Money-Filled Blue Blood will not satisfy or fulfill her emotional needs."

- Chris to Colin, 29 September 2014

Even before Colin had finished laughing at him, Chris realized that this had been a mistake. "I am Soo dumb and retarded!" He had not only opened the door to more troll persecution, but he had widened the distance between himself and Catherine. Catherine received word about Chris's outburst and chewed him out for it. "UGH!!! I Majorly Screwed Us Both Up!!! Got Dang It!!!" Subsequently, on 4 October, he volunteered to make a rare public YouTube video apology. In the description he stated that he will "become a better Lesbian Transgender Sweetheart and Partner".

Chris did everything he could to persuade Catherine that he had learned from this mistake and now understood the true meaning of an open relationship, but the damage could not be mended. Catherine was willing to go on a bowling non-date with Chris, but as friends only. Chris didn't want to hear this. On 9 December, Catherine finally said the words that got through: "I just don't want to be in a relationship with you."

"I am feeling sad. While she still wants to be friends, Catie just told me she does not want to be in a relationship with me; essentially dumping me."

- Chris to Renee, 10 December 2014

Chris spent the next several days hurling abuse at Catherine, essentially denying her the right to break up with him.

"I do think I Am Entitled in a True, Valid Relationship with a woman very much like you, because I Need The Love, and not only that, but I Am Of Royalty in the Weston Bloodline."

- Chris to Catherine, 14 December 2014

By the time he had calmed down, Catherine no longer wanted his friendship.

Timeline

 * Early July 2014: Chris creates an OkCupid profile.
 * July 9: First correspondence. Chris will later claim the relationship began on this date.
 * August 15: Chris writes (and sends?) his three apology letters, saying that he and Catherine "Deeply love each other."
 * August 18: Chris calls Catherine his "girlfriend," in note to CWCki Forums member.
 * August 29: Chris's status as taken is publicly revealed on the forum.
 * August 31: Applebee's date. Chris changes Facebook status to "in a relationship." Catherine receives two drawings and a CD of herself.
 * September 2: Relationship vows sent.
 * September 13: Chris goes to pride festival.
 * September 16: Chris gets the un-clit.
 * September 20 (approx.): Dildo washcloth email.
 * September 28–29: Chris–Catherine–Colin love triangle.
 * October 4: Chris makes an apology video for Catherine.
 * October 8: Chris sends Barb's letter to Colin.
 * October 10–12: Catherine tells Chris that she does not want a romantic relationship. Argument with Colin over voicemail and text.
 * October 31: Chris visits gay bar.
 * November 2: Chris gets rejected for sperm donation.
 * November 20: Chris posts on VoyForums offering to donate sperm to lesbians.
 * December 4: Chris re-pierces his taint.
 * December 5: Catherine publicly revealed as troll.
 * December 10: Catherine dumps Chris. Chris is "drifting back into sadness."
 * December 12: Chris removes the unclit.
 * December 12-14: Text argument between Chris and Catherine.