Jackie E-mails 15

This page covers emails exchanged between Chris and Jackie from 16 September to 23 September 2010. Chris asks Jackie not to demand so many videos, not because it's too much effort, but to protect her identity. Jackie points out that Chris is still an addict. Chris disagrees, so that has to be good enough, since her opinion MUST be inferior to his. Chris has been buying more games and spent most of his monthly tugboat already. The job hunt has been completely forgotten. Chris makes a bold speech about cyber-bullies and online trolls, all about himself, naturally.

September 16, 2010 - 8:19pm

Chris, are you ashamed of our love? We have nothing to hide. I didn't mean I want you to post super-confidential stuff. Just little fun things. Like, your favorite food, or a fond memory, or something. Is thirty seconds a day really too much to ask? All I wanted is for you to put on a simple costume or something, turn on the camera, dance a little and say hi and say a little "secret", and that's it. Once a day. I don't get why you won't do that for me.

In fact, I feel a little hurt that you would put down my contest and try to take it over. I'm doing this contest so you can win me - all of me, Chris. I want us to fuck baby, I want to pleasure you - but as a reward. Haven't you put me through enough emotional turmoils, enough ups and downs? This is a very small request, Chris. ESPECIALLY seeing as you have now prematurely seen me naked. Please, Chris. Don't make me beg. I want you to do this contest. If you do it, and you play by my rules, I promise to reward you. Will secrets, will pictures, and with my sex. But you have to show some effort and what you replied with made me cry! I am still crying all over my key board. I don't want to cry! Do you want me to cry?? I would hope not… but then again, I hoped you would do my contest....

Now my night is ruined... :'( :'( :'(

Jackie@undefined

September 17, 2010 - 8:08pm

Chris, why haven't you written back to me yet?? I was crying so much yesterday that now my cat got upset and ran out of the house, and now I can't find him! I'm afraid my cat ran away!! Where have you been, Chris??@undefined

September 18, 2010 - 5:54pm

Hi Chris!

Oh honey, I'm sorry we got that confused. I guess I wasn't clear the first time I brought up the "secret" thing. Thank you so much for clearing it up for me. Whew, that's a load off my mind. As for the costumes, I also didn't mean for you to do anything too extravagant for those, since they'd be daily and of course it would be a pretty big hassle if you had to make up something big for each day. I was just thinking you could do some simple little costume piece each day, like maybe paint your face up one day, or wear a cape around your shoulders, or put a paper mask on, or something like that. Nothing too fancy. I'm sure I can think of some simple suggestions along the way, too. :) Tell you what, I'll come up with a list of ideas that I think will work.

So, I'm glad that you liked the picture of me. So you jack off with me in mind sometimes? What other things do you think of when you do it? ;) I guess Lars' treachery had at least one good effect. I've been trying to write him to tell him off for what he did, but I don't have his number anymore and the email address I have for him seems to be invalid now because my emails are getting bounced back. I really want to lay into him, though. I wish I knew how to locate him or contact him. Any suggestions on how to find a person? He's probably laughing to himself right now about releasing my pictures. Worthless prick. Agh, he just gets me so angry and upset all at the same time. I'm glad I have you to vent to about it, though, sweetie :)

You know what? I really like your article idea! I have a midterm project coming up that's based around doing an interview, and I was going to do something internet-related anyway; I think this would be a really interesting path to take, I'll tell my professor about it on Monday. In the meantime, I'm going to start putting together a structure for the interview, questions I can ask, that sort of thing. By my next email I should have some preliminary questions I can ask you and you can give me some detailed answers, and then we can build it from there. Unfortunately, like I said I really don't think I'm going to have time to come home again before November 1st, but look at it this way: If I'm integrating you into my schoolwork, then we'll be that much closer for the duration! I'm sorry sweetie, I know it's tough not seeing me, I don't like not seeing you either, but I'm just getting so swamped this term :( But it's only just going to be a few weeks before I'm definitely home anyway, and starting on the 1st I'll have some extended leave time from school so we can spend ALL our time together :)

Thanks for the pictures of your room, I was kind of hoping for a video of it, but these are still cool. Looks like there's a lot of interesting stuff with history in there. I have a few questions about some of it: -Right below that Marge Simpson picture to the right of your tv, there's a picture of two people sitting on a couch on a blue background, what is that? -Right to the left of the TV there's a thing that looks like a black wand with a small light bulb on it hanging off your shelf, what is that thing? -Are those VHS tapes on the bottom of your shelf in those blue boxes? I haven't seen a VHS tape in a long time, what do you have on all those? Home movies? -On the arm of your couch, there's a pink thing that looks kind of like a pillow, but it's oddly shaped. What is it? Where did you get it?

Well anyway, I've got some other homework to do right now, but I'm going to start crafting the questions for my interview with you. I'm really excited about this!! I mean, people have written articles on cyberbullying before, but you've got kind of a unique perspective that I don't think has ever really been brought into such an article before. I'll write to you soon!! :) :) :)

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Jackie

P.S. My cat is fine now, turns out he was just hiding in the bushes at a house a block away, they called and let me know. The mischievous little scamp is back home safe and sound. :)@undefined

September 19, 2010 - 8:20pm

Hey Chris!

Chris, I'm kind of surprised that you brought up your video game addiction, that came out of the blue. But I appreciate you feeling like you can talk to me about it and vent your feelings to me. Since you brought it up, I'll reply with my understanding of the situation:

Video games have definitely been a huge part of your life and still are; you say that you are getting over your addiction, but that is obviously not true. You say that you have recently sold off so much of your older games - which is good - then you used the credit you got from that to just go buy new video game toys anyway. And you couldn't be bothered to work up a little spending money to go to Otakon, and you kept making up the excuse that your parents would have you arrested if you tried to come see, but it took you a short four days to work up $300 for a new PS3 when you wanted a new one, even though you told me you could go a long time without a PS3 and I asked you to do so.

So your addiction is every bit as strong as ever. But you know that, I know that, let's not talk about your unwillingness to change your habits since there's nothing new to say. Let's talk about the interview! You know, I was thinking to myself that email might not be the best way to conduct the interview, as we would have to wait for each others' replies and the question-and-answer process could take a long time. I think it would be really helpful if I could talk to you over Instant Messaging so that we can have the conversation in real-time. When would you be able to be online and do that with me, sweetie? I still have to put together a list of questions (Today was a busy day) but how about we do it Tuesday afternoon or evening?

I have to go for now, but I'll write more later sweetie!!

XOXOXOXO

Jackie@undefined

September 20, 2010 - 7:01pm

Hey Chris!

I totally get where you're coming from on the gaming addiction thing, sweetie - bargaining is a very common way of avoidance when one has an addiction; that is to say, your attempt to bargain that "if you had me, then you'd stop playing games so much" is totally understandable. But that's why you have to leave your comfort zone and actually try to make things better now, rather then wait for some hypothetical situation where everything is perfect - because if you keep to that attitude, then even after we meet in person you'll have some new requirement that has to be met before you'll start working on your addiction, and then another, and then another, so on, etc. But breaking out of that bargaining addict's attitude is key to success - you can't count on me, or anyone else to just magically make your addiction go away. You have to do it yourself. And right now you're obviously still at a place where you don't want to get better, because you're still placing the onus on me to fix your addiction for you. I can't do that now, and I can't do it after we meet in person. The onus is yours, Chris. But I know you have the true strength and will to overcome your hurdle when you finally decide to step it up, sweetie. I have faith in you!! <3 <3 <3

Anyway, I don't really like the idea of using the phone for an interview. It's a lot easier to have a record of the conversation from the IM log so that I can better incorporate it into my paper; if we did it on the phone I'd be halting to write notes of your responses constantly. I added your email to my AIM list, you should add mine. Let's both be online tomorrow night at 9:00pm. That should give us plenty of time to talk together. And if we don't cover everything I'd like to, we can just continue it again another night! (We can talk more anyway even when I'm done doing the interview :)

Well, I'm going to start putting together some questions again. I don't want to have a huge script or anything for what we talk about, because I think it will flow better if we can have a natural conversation and let things come up as they become important. But I have some broad topics I'll want to bring up when we begin. And I'm sure you also have some ideas about the important subjects that you think need to be given priority, so you can bring those up to when we are doing it. I'll write more later, but I look forward to IMing tomorrow night, hon!!!

XO XO XO XO XO XO XO XO

Jackie@undefined

September 22, 2010 - 8:27pm

Hey Chris!

So Samantha sent me an email talking about your recent discussions with her, she wrote to me to blow off some steam - she was mad because you've been lying to her repeatedly. And then she said YOU got offended at HER because she tried to call you out on your wrongdoing and that you claimed she was "raising her voice" every time she was simply standing up for herself; that's why she wrote me so angry. How come you don't want to talk to have your talks with her anymore? I mean, aside from myself she's kind of your only friend, and now you want to blow her off just because she stood up for herself and wouldn't just be a doormat to your disrespect? I guess if that's the way you want to go, by all means, but you complain a lot how much trouble you have making new friends, so I don't get why you want to just toss away one that's been trying very hard to help you. Well, since she wrote to me I thought I should let you know.

Anyway, since we had been talking about the CWCki last night, I looked again today, and there's a new page. Apparently they have records of your Best Buy purchases. Looking at that, here's a list of how much you've spent lately, and the dates you spent on (I bolded the dollar amounts to make them stand out):

9/20/2010: a PSN card, Silent Hill the movie, Resident Evil 5. $43.98 9/17/2010: a Playstation Eye camera mount. $14.99 9/06/2010: a Netflix 1 month subscription. $8.99 8/05/2010: Two PSN cards. $20.00 7/30/2010: A PSN card. $10.00 7/16/2010: ModNation Racers for PSP. (Don't you already have that for PS3? Why get the same game for two systems?) $19.99 7/02/2010: A game called "NDS Flaw" (what is that?), as well as a DSI zoom case.. $20.98

So that's a lot of purchases for the past couple of months, totalling to $138.93, and that's just a little bit of the list, I didn't go through the whole thing. And that's just at Best Buy - you've talked about spending quite a bit at Gamestop too, not just the $300 for the new PS3 (which brings the total to $438.93, not counting your other Gamestop purchases, which I don't have accurate figures for), but also on other things besides that. I just thought it would be helpful if I pointed these dollar amounts out plainly, because when you see them like this it becomes harder to fool yourself into thinking you've begun to work on your gaming addiction. I know it probably makes it all feel kind of silly when you look at the plain facts like this, but trust me, once you make the decision to kick the habit and actually try to get over your game addiction, this will all just seem so funny in hindsight. I know it's all at your own pace and that no one can make your life better but yourself, but I do really hope you consider turning yourself around and beginning to combat your game addiction. Just think what you could have done with that $450+ if you hadn't dropped it on games! But like I say, I have faith in your strength and will, Chris!!

Anyway, in other news... ugh, I got into contact with Lars. He's such an asshole. I am just so mad about it, I don't even feel like talking about him right now... ugh. Maybe we can talk about him in our next IM chat. Speaking of, will you be available tomorrow night at 9pm? We can talk then. I can vent to you about what Lars did to me, if you don't mind listening to my sad story... :( but I know you're such a good listener, and even better at cheering me up. ;) ;)

Well, let me know so that we can confirm that we are on for tomorrow night. Hope to talk to you then!!

XO XO XO XO XO XO

Jackie@undefined