A CWC Audition

"A CWC Audition" is a video by Chris, published by Clyde Cash on 16 April 2009. It shows him doing an audition for a film in which he believes he will be starring, thanks to trolls posing as Vanessa Hudgens.

Video
"Let us depart to go home, where we'll make sweet passionate love, because we sure love each other."

- Chris, speaking to "Ivy" while auditioning for a film

Transcript
[puts down controller] Oh yes, okay...to, eh, for Vanessa Hudgens' eyes only, this is an audition of, uh, some romance and anger, and a lil' bit of a singalong.

[Starts singing]

Ooooh, it's a jolly holiday with Ivy, Ivy makes your heart so light.

[Reaches down to pick up a sheet of paper]

When the sky's gray and ordinary, Ivy makes the sun shine.

[Jumpcut]

Ooooh, happiness is squirreling all around her, a daffodil is smiling at the dawn.

When Ivy holds my hand, I feel so grand, my heart starts beating like a big brass band.

[Grabs his shirt and starts pulling it back and forth to imitate a heartbeat, whilst making onomatopoeic heartbeat noises in unison]

It's a jolly holiday with Ivy, the wonder that is Ivy that I love.

[''Finishes singing. Reaches down to grab another piece of paper with a drawing of Ivy on it'']

Mmmmh, my sweetest Ivy, I like a ode to you from my heart.

"You are the sweetest Ivy, with you for you, covered the arboretum with such tender and such grace. You're surrounded by glorious fourly-clovered and shamrocks and strawberries, and all sorts of variety of delicious fruits amongst your vines. And yet the garden that you, that, that lies within the arboretum is majestic under the sunlight, but it's even more beautiful, is you, cause you are my sweetest Ivy. I love you. I love you Ivy. I'll never give you up because you mean so much to me. I love you Ivy."

[Hugs and kisses an Ivy drawing while moaning]

I say good morning to you every day, and I say good night to you every night, and I love talking to you about your day and mine. And about yourself and I tell you about myself so much, we can find in each other so well.

You mean so much to me Ivy, cause you have performed a mirac-, you have performed a miracle that only my s-, truliest sweetheart could ever perform. You've fixed my biological clawck.

[High Pitched Baby Voice] I bee sleepeee!, during the 9:00 hour, or 10:00...[fake yawning] mhhh, and I get up fresh as a daisy during the 6:30 am in the morning.

I love you Ivy. I'd fight for you, I'd fight for you if need be. [Clenches fist and tone of voice changes] Scoundrelous Clyde Cash, you dare try to get in the mid of my path, of my path, in my internet life, even in my real life, you will NEVER steal Ivy away from me, cause not only will I protect her, but God n' Jesus will too.

[Chris starts fighting against imaginary Clyde Cash]

GET BEHIND ME, IVY! I'll protect you from that murderous scoundrel!

Clyde Cash....

[Draws an imaginary sword from a sheathe, in a dramatic stylized manner, similar to what you would see in an anime]]

SHWOON!

Take this!

[Swings imaginary sword while making silly onomatopoeic noises]

Pfff! Pingg! Pishh!

[Loses pretend sword and falls back to fists]

Come on, you want some of this?! you want some of this, Clyde?!

[Lands a devastating right hook on imaginary Clyde]

Poomf!

[Tired out by that last punch, Chris throws a slightly half-assed left hook, and then an even more half-assed uppercut]

Poong! Poof!

Come on Clyde.

[Performs a fatigued, poorly-balanced roundhouse kick, and nearly falls over before ungracefully spinning a full 360 degrees]

Kiah!

[Whilst dizzily attempting to rebalance from the last kick, Chris cheap-shots imaginary Clyde with another kick]

Pwoon!

[''Pauses and lets his guard down to regain his balance. In a real fight, Chris would have had his ass kicked by this point'']

Come on, come on Clyde!

[''Mimes being punched in the face by Clyde. Recovers completely unfazed.'']

Pingg! Pishh! Oh, is that all you've got?! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?!'''

[Chris throws several meek, fatigued punches, then suddenly regains enough energy to bend his back forward and perform a very retarded looking chain-punch attack, in which his fists seem to barely travel a few inches with each strike]

HNGHNGHNGHNGHNG!!

[Finishes off the chain-punch with an uppercut]

BOOM!!

[Imaginary victory for Chris]

You murderous Clyde Cash, I swear I will protect Ivy with MY LIFE, 'cause she means the world to me, and God n' Jesus knows it. No acting is required because, I mean this so much from my heart.

Fairest, Ivy, sweetest Ivy, stay by my side. I will love you and you will ALWAYS love me, for we have declared our love for each other so, much, so often, and I'll make sure to tell you I love you every day, and I will kiss you passionately, kiss you from, I'll kiss you from my heart. Every time my kisses come t-, go to you, they'll be from my heart.

I love you Ivy, I always will.

[Imaginary make-out, interrupted by imaginary Clyde Cash]

Clyde...leave us alone....LEAVE US ALONE YOU MURDEROUS FIEND!

SHIN-YE-HAME-HAAA!!!!!

Stay down....Stay down, and rot for the rest of your life. For you are destined for an underworld, for an underworld fate, for you have tortured not only my soul, but so many other souls, which upon, they're also known as the internet bullies and trolls. Begone, fiend!

Are you OK, Ivy? Good....Let us depart to go home, where we'll make sweet passionate love, because we sure love each other, and our love is based so much on that, based so much on that. I love you Ivy, let's go.

Didn't have to remember this from my head? I came, made up as I went.

There you go that's my, that's basically good enough audition I hope, soo...thank you, I'll see you soon Vanessa.

Peace and love.