Ivy

"♪She's gotta be true, she's gotta be pretty, and she's got to be the sweetest thing in liiiiffe, and her name be Ivvyyyyy~♪"

- Chris singing Bonnie Tyler karaoke.

Ivy O'Neil was a troll who became Chris's one and only sweetheart from March to May 2009. The slew of work that escalated from her simple request to gain a video shout-out remains one of the crazier sagas in the CWChronology. Ivy's saga is also seen as one of the most important to Christorians, as it provided insight into Chris's thought processes, the saga being a scenario where Chris genuinely believed that his Love Quest was ending.

Prologue
Something about Ivy brought out the crazy in Chris at levels rarely seen before or ever since. The Ivy Saga resulted in three Sonichu Specials, four music videos, a bunch of weird and creepy non-music videos (including the notorious Fanta video), a long-awaited tour of his house, a new Christian and the Hedgehog Boys album, the discovery of The Lost Video, the emergence of Joshua Martinez and Rocky Shoemaker as troll obstacles, images of Chris wearing the new Medallion of Fail and butt garments, and unexpected changes in Chris's behavior.

Ivy was a redhead. Chris therefore lowered his standards slightly by allowing her to become a sweetheart, since women with red hair had been excluded (along with blacks and non-boyfriend-free girls).

March


The story of the Ivy Saga came when she wanted to surprise a friend by getting Chris to give a video shout-out. Posing as a member of Chris's fanbase, after a 30-minute grilling by Barb she was able to speak to Chris. He was quiet and seemingly uninterested, but he agreed to the shout-out. In his Captain's Log of 18 March 2009, Chris sent his greetings to "Ahmy-vie" and her friend Rachel. This was right at the height of the Emily fiasco – between the day Chris stood her up and the day the Man in the Pickle Suit stole her away –, so "Ivy" and "Rachel" were assumed by many observers to be codenames for Emily and her friend Stephanie.

Ivy was dissatisfied with the quality of the shout-out and immediately called back to complain. Disappointed with Emily's no-show, Chris was now much more animated with Ivy, and told her, "If things don't work out with Emily I would consider you for my new heartsweet." The very next day, 19 March, after the Emily date and Clyde Cash's hooker incident, Chris called Ivy. They discussed video games, art, and handwriting. She sent him a self-portrait along with a drawing of her personal Sonichu character "Layla" (see above), and Chris shared with Ivy sexual fantasies involving Layla and Reginald. He told Ivy, "I love you." What follows was massive levels of creepiness not even the most hardened of trolls were ready for.

"I'll be in your dreams!"

- Chris to Ivy

Ivy was in the driver's seat now, and proved to be a muse like no other. Chris responded with some of his most complex work to date, Sonichu Special 1 and its accompanying music video, CWC Holding Out for a Hero.

From this point onwards, Chris was utterly smitten with Ivy, and genuinely thought that this would be his lucky break and a chance to end his tenure as a Virgin with Rage, if Sonichu Specials 2 and 3 are to be believed.

For the rest of March, Chris was a prolific video blogger. He doubled down on his creepy video messages and make a positive difference in the life of Ivy's insecure cousin, Flora. He managed this even while pressed on another front by his arch-nemesis; indeed, most of Chris's videos directed against Clyde during these months were in fact prompted by Ivy.

Things were moving quickly, but of course a classy college girl like Ivy wasn't going to arrange a sleepover at the Chandlers' sight unseen. Her next request, a tour of the property, ignited a slow-forming but ultimately epic meltdown; his parents proceeded to get pissed at him for filming their house and putting it on the internet without their consent, fearing that the local health department could see it and condemn their house.

Chris also shared details with Ivy about his incontinence issues and Barb's constant effort to persuade him to wear protective liners or, as he called them, "butt garments".

April
As April dawned, Rocky Shoemaker very nearly pulled the Chandlers, kicking and screaming, out of their vortex of stupidity. Luckily for Ivy, she had already passed all of the Chandlers' tests for TRUTH and HONESTY, and so was spared most of the (brief) fallout. Rocky put a temporary halt to Chris's video production, but Ivy convinced him that everything would be fine as long as he deleted the videos from YouTube as soon as she had saved them. Yet even as one crisis passed, another emerged when a mutual friend introduced Chris to Vanessa Hudgens. Juggling two needy imaginary girlfriends would once again prove challenging for one merely-mortal autistic man.



With inspiration from Ivy, Chris got a new cwcville.com up, and made progress on Sonichu #9. He then created the world's first-ever YouTube videos intended for pet crabs. The Hedgehog Boys got back together and hit the road again. And then shit got real: mid-month, Ivy found out about Chris's two-timing ways. The punishment was revolting, to say the least. After his humiliating penance, Chris was given a second chance...

...to plan a kickass wedding! The result was another Sonichu Special, complete with an accompanying video, CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me". And you can't have a wedding without...

...a honeymoon! Ivy specifically asked Chris to draw his duck life-sized, so that he couldn't hide the bend. Needless to say, the leaking of the infamous Giant Penis Comic meant that April ended on a decidedly low note. Chris had to make an explanation video to ease the mind of a traumatized Ching Chong, and had to confess to all of his crimes. Of course, the dastardly trolls pounced on every word.

"Ivy is real! We are going to be together foreverrr! I CAN FEEL THE COSMOS."

- Chris

Chris helped Ivy put the Vanessa mistake behind them by discussing their future together. Chris assumed that after they got married, she would use her Ph.D. to get a full-time job, but would also do all the cooking when she got home. He would, of course, sit around and draw his comics. He also assumed that Ivy would have no problem if he visited strip clubs, but got very uncomfortable when she asked about her own sexual needs. When the conversation turned to oral sex, he explained his theory about recycling, and indulged her with a notorious demonstrative video.

Chris also ingratiated himself with Ivy's father, speaking with him on the phone twice. He impressed the Coach McGuirk lookalike with his stories of being in the Cub Scouts and drawing a comic book for children.

May
Throughout the Chandlers' trials and tribulations, Ivy remained TRUE and HONEST. A Chandler family vacation up to Boston, to visit Ivy, was in the works. But in a fit of righteousness, Rocky brought the Chandlers to the police to sort out the trolls once and for all. The Chandlers were interested in investigating only Joshua Martinez, but Rocky overrode their protests and insisted on checking into Ivy's background as well.

Ivy was furious, and after accusing Chris of betraying her, broke up with him.

Chris persisted in calling Ivy for two days after she broke off their relationship. She and Officer Keino called Bob to have him tell Chris to back off. In Ivy's words, "Chris still had no concept of the word 'no.'"

On the night of 14 May, the following was written on Chris's ED talk page:

"I have learned that there was a connection between her and a state in Washington where some of you have been lurking, and that she was not found in any public records. It took me a week to recover from the crestfallen emotions, but I am moving on with my life."

- Chris

Epilogue
In July 2009, Chris was fed the rumor that Ivy had committed suicide by hanging "from being restricted from Communication, as well as coming to visit me." He tastelessly uploaded CWC "Boyfriend" as a belated memorial.

In November 2009, he described Ivy's death in a giant wall of text in the comic. During the PVCC's assault on CWCville, she was apparently trapped in a collapsing elevator, got the cables tangled around her neck, and was strangled to death, despite BILLY MAYS's best efforts to save her. The page laying all of this out carries a brief dedication: "In memory of Sonichu-Girl, **Ivy O'Niel**".

On 19 April 2010, Chris updated the CWCipedia with a page containing various profiles of his "gal-pals and past sweethearts." Among them was a brief and somewhat ambivalent mention of Ivy:

"Another online romance, but better... with Telephone Conversations. Ivy and I were entwined within our relationship for about 3 months; it was good. Then later on, when I was talking to a detective on the case of finding my Trolls and seeing justice done unto them, he looked into Ivy and her family; found NOTHING on them, even her father who was a Police Officer. Then in a mental quandary and confusion, I stopped talking to Ivy for a few months. She called me one last time after the time; I still felt confused. Then I hear from Vivian that Ivy committed suicide by hanging."

- CWC

On 13 February 2011, Ivy participated in a Q&A session with the CWCki.

In a May 2011 email, Chris mentioned her dismissively, saying "that elevator gag was ONLY for comic story; she in reality committed suicide over me." In June 2014, Chris said that except for Kacey, all of his former sweethearts were "deceptive theoretical exes." This suggests that Chris knew by this point that none of his girlfriends, including Ivy, had been real.