Song of Christian



Song of Christian was a poem that Chris, at age sixteen, had to write for a class. Chris bases his poem partly on Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself".

It is also the name of a video Chris produced about it on 15 May 1998, the very first video Chris has produced (although not his first media appearance), where it later made an appearance on his homemade DVD. In it, Chris recites his poem in what appears to be the dark, and rages about the F he got in school for the project. The dark colors are both the result of him forgetting to use proper lighting (video cameras didn't come with night-vision features in those days) and the technical limits of the model he was using (see below). He also forgets to come up with something interesting to say before the camera was rolling.

Regardless, Chris's voice at age sixteen, compared to today, sounds more conscious and matter-of-fact, and it seems that he is actually trying to put effort into his speech as opposed to mindlessly railing off words (although he still does stutter a lot). What happened between this and the Harvey Birdman Commercial can be chalked up to Chris becoming more isolated from real-life people, and thus having less experience in speaking this way.

The video is shot in black-and-white and has murky video quality. While some have speculated this video was filmed on a PXL-2000 camcorder, a camcorder that used audio cassette tapes and similar low-quality B&W video, the VHS artifacts suggest this was actually filmed with a Tyco VideoCam, a late-1990s B&W camcorder that operated by simply plugging it into a VCR and using a blank tape in the VCR to record footage.

It should be noted that, at the age of 16, Chris doesn't appear to fully understand conception, expressing belief that there is a chance Bob and Barb will have a child at the respective ages of 70 and 56. While biologically, conceiving a child at such an age can be possible, attempts at conception usually fail due to the effects of menopause.

The actual poem
“I hear America singing, as I sing of myself, And you experience, as I experience. The problems of yourself are my problems. The youth and the young singing cries of happiness, As you have sung the song of laughter. At age six weeks, I sang this song of laughter Then, at one and a half years of age, the Lord put the mute button on me. Those are my parents' song. They pulled me through to talk again, at age seven. I am now sixteen years old and good at talking enough to help me achieve... New goals and Mario raceway records, and to finish my homemade Nintendo Power magazine. The magazine's songs, the ballad of Sonic the Hedgehog on Game Boy. The rudeness of the teenager's song, The despicable mention of rude words and...D-R-U-G-S. I am not afraid to speak, despite the hazardous flukes in America's song. My song that I sing, although I talk well, My peer relationship is low, and my loneliness is off the scale.”

Part I
Just showing off his homemade Nintendo Power magazine.

Transcript
[Simulates blowing a trumpet, or the sound of a diseased rooster, to mark his arrival.]

Welcome ladies, and gentlemen, to The Christian Chandler Show! Bringin' ya lots of laughs, and all that neat ol' stuff. Now, here he is, the host with the most: Christian Chandler!

[simulates the cheers of a crowd through half-breathing, half-hissing, stopping to take a breath halfway through, and reveals himself to the camera]

Good evening friends, and welcome to The Christian Chandler Show. I am your host Christian Chandler. Now, tonight, we are gonna talk about poetry. And uh, line— an', uh, behind the scenes of part of the lines—which got me inspired. An' I'm gonna express my feelings a little bit, so...please don't laugh. I feel— I'll feel embarrassed. Okay, anyway, my poem is called— entitled— "The Song of Christian". And I just did it last night, on May 14th, 1998.

[muttering in an irritated tone: "Gonna embarrass myself."] Anyway, uh, I'm gonna do my poem, now, so, here goes. [recites poem] An' anyway that's my poem. Now, we gotta go behind the lines, and see how it all got inspired.

Now the, uh, first line line "I hear America singing", and, uh, "sing of myself". I got those from the combination of the first line of, both, "Song of Myself" and—s I—s—I—"I hear America singing". And the "experiencing" and problems, bas-- I made those up myself. And of course, ya know, the, uh, youth. I'm talking about the young children, here. They start singing their cries of happiness when they are born. With their little 'giggles' and 'tee-hee-hees'. [sigh] That's just the sound of laughter. At age six weeks, I started... the sound of laughter which is my—when I start talking. Now, my first word was "monkey", and here's how it happened. My mother and I went down to the Best Products store in Charlottesville many, many years ago. Of course you know at age six weeks I was born in 1982. [sigh] Anyway, uh, my mother was carrying me in her arms, and she was shopping, when then all of a sudden I said [baby talk voice] "mon-kee". An' there was a wo—uh, there was an old woman near by, and, uh, she suh—h—heard me and then came over and asked my mom, "Was that your son?", and my mom said, "Yup, that was my son". Ahh... she didn't say anything, she was just shocked.

An', anyway I, uh, went on—and—on with my mouth. That is until the age one-and-a-half... years... [sigh] The sad thing that happened... the Lord put the mute button on me. CLICK FLICK [Light switch motion]. That's when my ad—me—I'm representing my autism, there. The Lord clickin' the mute button. [sigh] An' anyway here's where my autism began. I'm gonna to be very truthful here. Uh, I had a babysitter, but, uh, she was kind of [a] mean babysitter. Anyway, ah, one day she was on her phone and, uh, I came up t—I came up to her, I came up with her, and said something and, uh, she was kinda angry at me, 'cause I interrupted her phone call, AND she locked me in a room fulla noth—n—fulla nothing but toys, and, uh, she just locked me in there, and, uh, I was very lonely, so I just sat there and cried, and... uh that's how my autism began. Thanks to an evil babysitter.

And then thanks to my parents—actually my ma did most of the work, but, uh, it was thanks to my parents. They got me talkin' again at age seven. An', anyway, here's how they—it happened. My mother, my mother, always took me down to the toy store, ahh, at least every weekend on... [sigh] to, uh, wa—l—look at the, to read packages. Like, say, for example, "Go-Bots." You remember those old goh—fashion Go-Bot toys? Well, anyway, with ma we always read thepackageis [All in one breath] for me, and I read along with her. And, uh, well, we just read the, uhh, top name of the fi—name of the toy, and the name of the, uh, to—and the, uhhh, name of the... character that it represents. And, then, on an the—go to the flip side and see all the other characters, name all the other toys in the collection. And, of course, we did the same for fu—the old-fashioned Transformers. Yes. [Head confidently turns to look at items off-camera]

And, also, wit' mother an' I—and, also, sometimes, mother and I'd buy some Lego sets and build them together, like, for example... [mumbles about getting his "stupid thing"] Oh, yeah... Lllike, for example, this old, uh, bicycle pit shop, here. Ah, you can tell this is an old-fashioned Lego set on account of this—the old-fashioned "Lego Land" on the corner. Anyway, ah, we always built something like this, but, uhh, since that... and, one time, we even built a nice racetrack. I don't still have my Lego tin, but, uh... I NAMED MY CAMERA NIBBLE(?)... [sigh] I don't think... that it's good to have. Uh, oh, well, anyway.

Excuse me.



Anyway, Mother and I always had fun together. But, then, at age five—age seven, my mouth blabbed, ah—I started blabbin' my mouth, again. [Voice cracks] Daarn that collar! And then, uh, the, ah, "Helping to achieve new records on Mario Raceway". You know I like the play video games. I mean, I have Nintendo 64 video games, the Super Nintendo games, Genesis, old-fashioned Nintendo, Game Boy, Game Gear, Sega CD, 32X, and I also got lotsa Tiger-brand LCD games. An', anyway, I was a video game p—person, and my favorite type of game were racing. So, um, one of my favorite Nintendo 64 games were—was Mario Kart 64. I'r, uh, I was already tryin' to beat my ghost on the, uh, Mario Raceway Time Trails mode. My best time—my best record is, as Mario, ah minute, twenty-one, and eighty-nine seconds. Me—uh... excuse me... I mean a 1'21"89. Yeah, that's it. An', anyway, I always like to beat my records.

But then the, uh, Nin-ten-do Ma-ga-zine that's da'uh maga-zine you heard that was lost. There it is: my home-made Nintendo Power magazine. Actually, that's just the cover. I'm, ah, working on it...on the insides, like a regular Nintendo Power magazine. When I'm done it should have a hundred-and-eight pages, including the front cover, and the back cover. Ah, right now I'm only on, uh, page 35. [sigh] I'll show you, ah, the pages that are inside it. We have your, uh, your, ah, type of contest that they're mentioning of the main article... that goes with the table of contents there. [sigh] Then, we have the winners section. Now you seen the, uh, the two envelopes on this page? I actually created them on u—other envelo—on two envelopes myself an' kinda copied that from the envelopes onto here. And, on this page, the three of those, I just kinda made up myself. That's, uh, Cruis'n USA, Zelda, and Yoshi's Story. [Christian exhales and ruffles through the pages]. And we have the, uh, Power Charts. Which is the Top Ten Nintendo 64, and Super Nintendo, and the Top Five Game Boy games. Of course, the Most Wanted, and some more letters, and I just a made up a article about somebody winning the Zelda contest. Ya know, test the Zelda 64 game that is gonna come out later. WAAAY later, I—in fact, we don't even know—we're not exactly sure WHEN it's gonna come out. Darnedest thing is slippin' on me [Christian reassembles the magazine]. An anyway, I had this dream a long time ago about Sonic on Game Boy, so that's what I based my magazine on. 'Course you can tell on the cover he's switched from Sega to Nintendo. SO, I started off by making my own Nintendo 64 game: Sonic 64. Isn't that a cool picture, or what? [shoves crude drawings into the camera] Alrigh', anyway, you got your castle over there. Sonic and Tails. 'Scuse me a sec...[The PXL-2000, or whatever other cheap camera he's using, only records up to 10 minutes of footage on each side of the tape, so he is most likely getting it prepared to flip over.]

Factual error
It is physically impossible for him to have spoken a word at six weeks old. Any doctor will attest to the fact that no infant's vocal chords are developed enough by that time to speak, and any psychologist will tell you that their Broca's area is not anywhere near developed enough to understand words by this time.

Part II
Chris rages between 7:38 and 10:05 if you want to skip all the shit no one cares about.

Transcript
[Chris mutters under his breath: "Darn that thing.", and fiddles with the papers.]

Uh...this may even be a rumor, so you— my magazine is falling apart on me. I mean it's just paper clipped. So sue me. I'm jus' still working on it.

[Continues looking through pages]

Now, let me just find that page again... Well, they have the old castle, again, but now I got the special moves, the spin dash, pound the baw—pound the ground, spin, punch. There's that cool picture of Sonic co—in the co—in the corner. Isn't that cool, or what, huh? Three DI-mensional. That's what I call cool. Yeah....

[Mumbling and looking through pages.]

And, then, I have Sonic's friends that help. Of course, Tails (that flies), Knuckles (that punches and flies), and Bionic, WELLLLL, you heard rumors about Bionic: he's that Sonic's brother I made up myself who's that very good basketball player and mechanic. Uh... I can tell you the background story on him. I could tell you about it... I'll just make it quick so I can tell you, anyway. Bionic was Sonic's older brother. Please note "older". Anyway, one day, when they were very young, they were playing a ca—playing the game of catch, Sonic accidentally threw the ball into the bushes. Bionic offered to get it, because he was closer to it. He went in the bushes, but, then, there was a—but there was a warp... p—portal there, and he got sucked into it. Sonic tried to get him out, but Sonic fell into it, went to a dimension of ba—abou—basketball. But then, uh... years later, Bionic found a way to es—found a portal to go back to Sonic and end up in Sonic's... new home in Knothole. And, uh... Sonic and Bionic lived together from then on. Anyway, he's a great mechanic too.

Anyway, I got some pictures here that, uh...shows how Sonic's friends help him...climbing along Knuckles, Tails flying, Sonic...and Bionic...breaking a lot— destroying a lot— breaking a lot of Dr. Robotnik's evil machines.

And, yet, of course, you know, my, uhh, Sonic on Game Boy originally was Sonic and Knuckles, but I decided to do something different in this magazine. Sonic and Knuckles II... I mean, a sequel, yeah... Anyway, you got your coverage there, and I put a little Dr. Robotnik in the corner saying, (changes voice) "I HATE SONIC! AND I HATE THAT ECHIDNA, TOO!"

[Bends over to adjust paperclip that is holding his homemade Nintendo Power together, muttering.]

Oh, dear, the paperclip is slipping. Darn that thing.

[Comes back up.]

Yeah...and, of course, you know I've got my basic "coverages" about a file...selector, and another water zone, Knuckles— playing as Knuckles, and a...special stage. Cool, huh?

[Turns page.]

And then I made up a Super Nintendo game. SUPER Sonic. Yeah it's a Super Nintendo game with all— with some of the Sonic games in one Super Nintendo cartridge. Hey, look, check this out, we got Sonic hanging ten on a Super Nintendo controller. YEAAAH! (hums music) Anyway, then I got some...coverage on the...Sonic, uh...with the...how you select the game you wanna play. And of course I got Sonic I picture there, and Sonic 3.

[Flips through pages.]

Oh, dear...

And then I have the uh...coverage on the games. I got Sonic I, Sonic II, Sonic III, and Sonic and Knuckles in there... yeah, the original Sonic and Knuckles I'm talking about, not Sonic and Knuckles II.

But, then, I made up another Nintendo 64 game. Uh...sort of interesting to teenagers. I call it BEAST WARS...Transformers. And except these aren't about the missions; they're fighters. Yeah, that was the Maximals and Predacons fightin' each other. And I made somes—fantasize—suh that... it will be RumblePak compatible. And becau—and the uh... bots that I put in it...goes as follows. I got Optimus Primal, and uh...Cheetor... Rattrap, Silverbolt, Dinobot, Megatron...Tarantulas, Waspinator, Quickstrike, and Inferno.

And then I, uh...before Soni- before I made the cover of Sonic, I made up a, uh...other Nintendo Power cover, which I made of...uh...you heard of Megaman XTC Nintendo? Well, that's what I did. Megaman XTC IV. Check that out. Cool picture. IT'S BACK. And then there's some coverage, uh...about some of the stuff about him in the...Sigma's return...Zero being captured, and...X's armor. It's actually revived armor... The— from the original first— the first Megaman X game...except more powerful, because it's, uh, actually... Oh, whatever...

Anyway, I got a bunch of bosses from the three Megaman X games and a couple of the classic Megaman games. I got Storm Eagle, Snake Man, Wheel Gator, Neon Tiger... [mumbles "oh jeez" while flipping through pages]... Gravity Beetle, Bubble Crab, Shadow Man... and, uh... why not Megaman X without the old... classic Megaman X boss... [fumbles with pages] Oh, dear... these things are slipping on me... Anyway, Chill Penguin. Yeah, that penguin is back, alright. I ]got each of these bosses as 3D battle zone, and of course, now, I got coverage of Sigma's return. I got Robotis dog reform [likely "Robotis Dog's Return"}, then I made up a new dissent (?) for old Dr. Wily, Dr. Wily Jr. He's fighting Megaman in a robot MONKEY. Monkey... And then I got Sigma's return... and this is actually from that cover of Meg—that cover I made up. I mean, it's actually destroying Sigma, but this is from his, uh, view. It's actually from the opposite side... of the battlefield.

So right now I'm working on the classified information... begun with Sonic— parts of Sonic I and Sonic II, and I just did Mario Kart 64. And for Nintendo Power...I'm tracing another copy. Yeah, you can tell it's another copy, because— lookit there. Sonic is a bit more, uh...chubbier there. You can tell the difference right there. All right, on, um... this tracing thing, I only got to page 60, it was the beginning of Super Sonic...

But, moving on... yeah... the rudeness of the teenagers song... of course, now—of course, you know I'm talking about those despicable rude words they got down in there... I mean... ah, you know, w-w-when they say those... sound like, somethin' like... "Oh, *booop*." And, uh... "Oh, *booop*", and "son of a *booop*"... You understand what I'm talking about? I mean, that just really ticks me off. And I hope this video's getting through to those tee—to those students in that English class of mine. I HOPE THEY GET IT THROUGH THEIR HEADS AND EV— AND GET IT THROUGH TO EVERYBODY ELSE IN THAT SCHOOL, THAT THAT RUDE LANGUAGE IS CRUEL. I mean, you see it, and—you thinks it's cool to the adults, BUT YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DO IT. I MEAN, IT'S JUST RUDE! VERY RUDE! I MEAN, I'M JUST SICK OF IT! I mean... HNNNNGH.

And then there's that other thing... the, uh... D-R-U-G-S. I mean... (mimes smoking) That just... that *puff puff* thing, that just clogs up my nose. *grunt* And that other thing... (mimes drinking alcohol and passing out) Anyway, just MAKES ME SICK to see people just waste their lives away on that. I mean, it's DESPICABLE (hits table). DE-SPIC-A-BLE! Understand what I'm talking about? And, of course, I'm not afraid to speak about the hazardous flukes like the "American Song" how it goes... and, of course, that last line there... The song I sing you and all my—talk about my peer relationships as well... I talk about the peer relationships in my neighborhood. I mean, I do not have that many peers in the neighborhood. All I have in my neighborhood is Damien, and I don't usually see him a lot, and a twelve year old boy named Michael, and he's uh... just a little kid.

Anyway, I'm just usually lonely at home. Don't have a second player to play with. I don't even have a little brother, and I'm s—still hoping for one. Anyway uh... I see by the clock that it's about time I sign off. But, uh... before I go, I have just one thing to say to, uh... the teacher: AN F IN ENGLISH CLASS?! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I mean, an F! I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I GOT AN F... I MEAN, WHO KNOWS? IT COULD'VE BEEN BACK IN OLD GREENE COUNTY, THAT STUPID PLACE... YEESH. That Greene County Primary... actually that was a nice school, but then th—came the Nathanael Greene Elementary. That's probably where I got the F. Anyway, then, many years rolled by... '''THEN YOU CAME ALONG AND GAVE ME AN F. I MEAN I STARTED OFF WITH AN A AND YOU JUST LOWERED IT! LOWERED IT! LOWERED IT! I'M GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS LOWERING THING. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST AUT—AGAINST THE HANDICAPPED CHILDREN, ANYWAY?! I MEAN, I KNOW MY HANDICAP IS AUTISM, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT! AND YOU, MRS. BIRD (Burns?), I THINK THAT F IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL! I MEAN, I AM VERY EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT.'''

[stress sigh]

Anyway, it's time I sign off. Well, this has been The Christian Chandler Show, and we hope you all enjoyed it. And, as we say in the land of TV Land...goodnight, folks!

[covers camera with hand and "sings" theme song]