CWC Update 29 July 2009

In "CWC Update 29 July 2009" (officially "CWC Update 07292009" for the original video and its extended cut, "CWC Update 07292009-2" for the Spanish companion video), Chris explains that he is a troll trolling trolls. Note that he somehow grew his full goatee back instantly.

He would later replace the video with an extended version, which adds a close-up of his driver's license and Chris asking his viewers to read about the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens on CWCipedia, which he claims to be the new, official Sonichu website. Also of note is the addendum, in which Chris horribly mangles the language of Cervantes and infuriates many a speaker of the world's second language with most native speakers.

Chris posted an article on the CWCipedia that contains his TRUE and HONEST transcription and translation of his rant. To everyone's utter surprise, he fails at both.

Video
"So, in a sense, I am a troll to those trolls ONLY."

Transcript
Alright... Captain's Log, Stardate: July 29th, 2009.

Let's get this over with right off the bat. Dispelling rumors and making a few points. There are NO official Sonichu and Rosechu merchandise yet. Whatever you're buying right now, it's fake, especially from the damn black—brown... brown striped impostor posing as me. Ignore all YouTube videos portraying me in a wrong sense, especially if it is not on my TRUE YouTube account, this one: I-B-A Chandler! Portra—playing also playing off of my father's license plate... a little bit. I B Mr. C! Follow Mr. C's, I'm an important C. (?) Mr. Chandler. IBAChandler.

And yes, it is true, I have called myself a troll, because I am trolling my trolls back! So, in a sense, I am a troll to those trolls ONLY. I am not a troll to any of the TRUE, HONEST people out there. I just—because of the Internet, and whatnot, it's hard to tell the difference. So, if you're not a troll, and you know you're not, it does not apply to you. Otherwise, you know you're a troll. I'M TROLLIN' YOU BACK!

And... it's okay to be... stupid sometimes. Stupid... damn, dirty song! While it is NOT okay to be homosexual, I will let—I will personally not judge any individual of that... one trait. I am willing to be friends with homosexuals. And let me make it clear: I will NOT TOLERATE ANY FURTHER DAMN, DIRTY STUPID QUESTIONS QUESTIONING MY DANG ORIENTATION! I, CHRISTOPHER "CHRISTIAN" WESTON CHANDLER, AM STRAIGHT! Have good faith... in me. And... to all my loyal, true viewers, fans everybody: you will be rewarded.

I leave that with you. Peace, and have a good day.

Transcript
Alright. Captain's Log, Stardate: July 29th, 2009.

Let's get this over with, right off the bat. Dispelling... rumors. And making a few points. [looks at a piece of paper, apparently with his notes] There are no... official... Sonichu or Rosechu merchandise yet. Whatever you're buying, right now, it's FAKE, especially from the damn black—brown—brown-STRIPED impostor posing as me. [looks back at paper] And I can best prove who I am. [moves away from camera, but comes closer to it and shoves his face in the camera] CLOSE UP. ZOOMING in on ME. [shoves driver's license into the camera, mumbles] With... my driver's license... with the customer number censored. [flips the license around] Can you copy FRONT and BACK? FRONT and BACK? [turns it to its side] THICKNESS? [flips to the back] Front... [flips back to the front] Front reflective Virginia... Can you see it? [pulls license away and shoves his face back in] I think... [dramatic glasses removal] ...not.

I think not. [flashes license again]

[steps back into proper frame, reads off of paper]

Ignore all YouTube videos portraying me in a wrong sense. Especially if it's not on my true YouTube account, this one, IBAChandler. Portray—playing—also playing off my father's license plate. Little bit. I be Mr C. A lot of Mr. C's... I'm an important C.: Mr. Chandler. I be a Chandler.

[looks back at paper]

And yes, it is true: I have called myself a troll because I'm trolling my trolls back, so, in a sense, I am a troll to those trolls only. I am NOT a troll to any of the TRUE, HONEST people out there. [replaces glasses] I just—because of the internet and whatnot, it's hard to tell the difference. So, if you are not a troll, and you know you're not, this does not apply to you. Otherwise, if you know you're a troll... [shrugs, then points dramatically] I'M TROLLING YOU BACK! [points and goes to say something, but doesn't]

AND... it'sokaytobestupids. [he says this fast and softly, then mumbles] ...That damn, dirty song. [looks at paper, ponders.] While it's NOT okay to be homosexual, I will not j—I will not personally judge any individual [removes glasses again, and starts reading off the paper] ...that one trait. I am willing to be friends with the homosexuals. And let me make it clear: [drops glasses, lifts finger] I will not tolerate any more damn, dirty, stupid question my dang orientation! I, Christopher Christian Weston Chandler, am STUH-RAIGHT! Have good faith in me.

And to all my True, Loyal viewers, fans, everybody. You will be rewarded. Look up the history of the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens for one, a full, extended story from. My. Head. And my hands, typed. On the new, the official, as of 2009, the new s—the official s—CWC's Sonichu and Rosechu Site.

I will leave that with you. Peace, and have a good day.

Addendum
In this video, Chris horribly mangles the Spanish language. There are a total of 18 jump cuts in this 193-second video, suggesting that rather than speaking Spanish as a second language, he simply wrote a script based on his limited knowledge and consulted it after every sentence, hoping no one would notice.

Original
Captain's Log, Stardate: May(?) 29th, 2009

¡AY! Impostor en rayas de marrón. [cut] Yo tenía dos años de español en mi escuella secundaria, Manchester High. Con mi señora bonita. [cut]

Y yo recibe durante los clases [cut] el apodo que yo use para mi Internet, RICARDO, mi nombre fue Ricardo en las clases de español. [cut] Recuerde el es- el Pokésite de R.W.C [the W is pronounced doble ve like in Spain] con CWC Pokésite 2, CWC's Bionicle site, CWC's Hot Wheels site, the original CWC Sonichu site. [cut]

Yo voy a hácer una apuesta. Que tu, el impostor, no graduaste desde [high pitch] TU escuela secundaria. ¡En serio! [cut] Yo, el verdad, Christopher Christian "Ricardo" Weston Chandler, [cut] no solamente me gradue de Manchester High con mi TITÚLO [shows degree, then puts it down]. Mi titúlio de basketball en mi fi- en mi año de freshman [shows his basketball degree, proceeds to put it down]. ¡Stúpido! TU ERES STUPIDO. [cut]

No solamente con ellos, pero con mis puntos de HONOR ROLL. ¡Bueño! [cut]

¿Y como fue escribe en los cómicos de Sonichu [feels his badge], Rosechu y yo? [semi-gangster expression] ¡Yo! [cut]

Yo fue a Piedmont Virginia Community College para mi—[cut] Para mi título y certificado para COMPUTA EDIT DRAFTING AND DEZAIN. [shows both certificates, and the second one seems to have some Chris-chan Sonichu & Megan art] [cut]

Que yo diplomade muy bueño y recibe en... June, 2006. [guess he never learned how to say dates in Spanish] [cut]

¿Donde está tu titúlo de Manchester High? Tu titúlo de Piedmont de t—¿Tu certificado de Piedmont de Computer-Ai—drafting & design?

¿Donde están? [cut] Tu no tienes. [dramatic glasses removal] Tu no tienes. ¿VERRRRDAD?

Tu no tienes, yo tiene. Yo soy el verdad Christopher Christian "Ricardo" Weston Chandler. Entonces, POR FAVOR. Para todo el—todos los veces en el futuro y ahora. [hand gestures] [cut] ¡Dejar de este juego maldito! Impostor, tonto y estúpido. [homo pose] [cut]

También. Me presente. Responde en español bueño. [because your Spanish is excellent, Ricardo] ¿Si no que bueño? Tu no eres el verdad. Tu eres el impostor. [cut]

¿Responde en Íngles? No es bueño. No es bueño, tonto impostor en rayas de marrón. [cut]

Paz.

English translation
Captain's Log, Stardate May(?) 29th, 2009

Aye! The impostor in brown stripes! I have two years of Spanish in my secondary school, Manchester High, with my pretty lady.

And during class I received the nickname I use on the Internet "Ricardo". Ricardo, my name in Spanish is Ricardo. Remember the Pokésite of RWC with CWC Pokésite 2 CWC Bionicle site and original Sonichu site.

I'm gonna bet you impostor that you didn't graduate from your high school. Really? I the real Christian Ricardo Weston Chandler not only did I graduate from Manchester High School [shows his high school diploma] with my diploma. My basketball diploma from my freshman year [shows his stupid diploma] Stupid.... You are stupid!

Not only with them but with my honor roll points, good!

And how was it that I wrote the comedians [translator's note: He actually says comedians, instead of comics] of Sonichu Rosechu and me?

I went to PVCC for my title, certificate of CADD [shows a couple of diplomas, and second one of the them with his stupid Chris-chan drawing holding Megan] I received a very good diploma in June 2006.

Where is your title from Manchester High? Where is your certifica...—your certificate from PVCC for CADD? WHERE ARE THEY? You don't have them.... You don't have them, right?

You don't have them; I have them. I am the real Christopher "Christian" "Ricardo" Weston Chandler. So, please, for eve... for all time in the future and now. Leave this damned game, you stupid dumb impostor.

Also, please respond in good Spanish, if not good? You are not real, you are the impostor, respond in English? NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD, YOU DUMB IMPOSTOR!!!

Peace

Alternate translation
Captain's Log, Stardate: May(?) 29th, 2009

Aye! Impostor in stripes of brown! I had two years of Spanish in my secondary school, Manchester High, with my pretty lady. And I received during my classes [jump/pause] the nickname that I used for my Internet: Ricardo. My name was Ricardo in the Spanish classes.

Remember the sp- the Pokésite de R.W.C with CWC Pokésite 2, CWC Bionicle site, the Original CWC Sonichu site.

I am going to make a bet: that you, the impostor didn't graduated from your High School. Really? I the truth, Christian Ricardo Weston Chandler. Didn't just graduated from Manchester High with my DEGREE. [shows degree, then lowers it] my degree of Basketball in my freshman year [same previous motion]. Stupid, you are stupid!

Not only it takes years but with my points of Honor Roll. Good! [cut] And how it was who wrote in the comedians of Sonichu, Rosechu and me, me! I went to Piedmont Virginia Community College for my title and certificate for Computer-Aided Drafting and Design. [shows both certificates, and the second one seems to have some Chris-chan Sonichu & Megan art] That I diplomated very good and received in June 2006.

Where is your title from Manchester High? Your title from Piedmont, your certificate from Piedmont of Computer-Aided Drafting and Design.

Where is it? You don't have them. [dramatic glasses removal] You don't have them, RIGHT?

You don't have them, I has. I am the true Christopher Christian "Ricardo" Weston Chandler. So, PLEASE, for all future and now actions. Stop this damned game! You stupid and dumb impostor.

Also, Make present. Respond in good Spanish. If not, what good? You are not the real one. You are the impostor.

Respond in English? Not good. Not good, dumb impostor stripes of brown.

Peace.

A Spanish correction (AKA what Chris would've said if he could speak in Spanish at all)
Bitácora del Capitán, Fecha Estelar: 29 de Mayo, 2009

¡Ay, impostor de rayas cafés! Yo llevé dos años de Español en mi preparatoria, Manchester High, con mi querida maestra. Durante estas clases, recibí el apodo que uso en internet, RICARDO. Este fue mi nombre en las clases de Español. Recuerden el Pokésite de R.W.C, el segundo Pokésite de CWC, el sitio de bionic de CWC y el sitio original de Sonichu.

Voy a hacer una apuesta. Apuesto a que tú, impostor, no te graduaste de tu preparatoria. ¡En serio! Yo el verdadero, Christopher "Christian" "Ricardo" Weston Chandler, no solamente me gradué de Manchester High con mi TÍTULO, sino también con mi título de Basquetbol en mi primer año. ¡Estúpido! ERES UN ESTÚPIDO.

Y no solamente me gradué con éstos [diplomas], sino también con mis puntos en el Cuadro de Honor. ¿Cómo ves?

¿Y quien fue el que escribió los cómics de Sonichu, Rosechu, y yo? ¡YO!

YO fui a la Universidad Comunitaria de Piedmont Virginia para obtener mi título y certificado en Diseño Asistido por Computadora.

Me gradué perfectamente, y me recibí en Junio del 2006.

¿Donde está tu titulo de Manchester High? ¿Tu título de Piedmont de t— ¿Tu certificado de Piedmont en Diseño Asistido por Computadora?

¿Donde están? No los tienes, Tú no los tienes, ¿VERDAD?

Tú no los tienes, pero yo sí. Yo soy el verdadero Christopher Christian "Ricardo" Weston Chandler. Entonces, por favor, para siempre, ahora y en el futuro, ¡deja este maldito juego! Impostor tonto y estúpido.

Además, me presenté. Ahora tú responde en español correcto. ¿No puedes? Entonces no eres el verdadero. Tú eres el impostor.

¿Respondes en inglés? Eso no es bueno, no está bien, tonto impostor de rayas marrones.

Paz.

Transcript
''¡Hola! Este es el verdadero Ricardo Weston Chandler. Impostor en el pequeño chaleco, yo no solo comprender su ultimo video, pero tiene excelente dominio de la idioma de Cervantes. Puedo establecer mi identidad hablan muchos idiomas. Je parle aussi Français comme je l'ai pris [sic] deux ans de français dans mes années lycées à Manchester. Avec ma jolie professeure de français. J'ai obtenu ma [sic] diplôme avec mention. J'ai même un certificat à partir du moment où j'ai été l'assistant-responsable de l'équipe. of PVCC. Auch hab ich zu lernen(?) von Deutschen und bin in der Lage, zu sprechen fließend Deutsch. Nicht zu erwarten, aber il- ich sind(?) ein Zertifikat in CADD.'' Hmm.

うそなんじゃフォトはせっかく工夫は済めば. まぁ、そうには正しいクリスならばと読める彼だが、彼の問題は全てこれらの言語で応答する必要がありますぅ！(Usonanja foto wa sekkaku kufuu wa sumeba. (?) Ma, souni wa tadashii Chris naraba to yomeru kare daga. Kano mondai wa subete korera no gengo de outou suru hitsuyou ga arimasu~!) Hmm. Um, hmm...

I wish to go over a number of things, but uhh... first I'd like to tell you [dramatic glasses removal, and replaces glasses]: I love my sweet Kacey! My sweetheart Kacey and I are going to be together forever! And I love her with my heart! And we met because of... Sonichu! She will be my caring girl and I will never leave her. We have already gone out on our FIRST DATE. FIRST DATE! Hmm...

Now, uh, on to more important things. I wish to, uh, as a high-functioning autistic male, uh, to explain autism, briefly to y'all- [jump cut]

Now a, uh, public service announcement, if you will. Autism is a mental block where uh, it's hard to do things and even the slightest of things that you don't want to do will uh, give you stress. When you are uh, stressed as an autistic, it's just easy to fall asleep. And Asperger's Sydrome is- does something to this very similar to autism. People with Asperger's take things very literally, which sometimes is another mental block to understanding others, or the ladies. Hmm. Both the Asperger's and autism are start from a ear- start from an early age, in which you are diagnosed and given documents proving it. My name is Christian Weston Chandler, and I swear on my Asperg- I mean my autism, that uh, that these things must be, uh... remembered.

Oh uh, and another thing, uh: I have made my rectum with Clyde- I mean I have- I have rectified things with Clyde. He has uh, apologized for uh, taking money from my mother's retirements accounts, and I have apologi- and has apologized for torturing me in the past. I thank you, Clyde, and uh, this could- this could be the start of a uh, beautiful friendship. I d- I do not- I do not have to worry about him uh, you know, trolling me anymore...

And finally, uh, Sonichu: The Crystal Chronicles. Hmmm. The game is, uh, coming along so well that I have been able to print out the images that the uh, that the designer has sent me.

[''shuffles through a bunch of papers showing the design process and character concepts. Notable standouts are the BILLY MAYS Library, Liquid himself, Mary Lee Walsh, and the Man in the Pickle Suit.'']

Hmm... yeah, so uh... You know, I'm doin' pretty well right now, uh... I was able to buy my uh, my father Robert Chandler a uh, a new axe for his uh, woodworking hobby. And uh, I have- I have bought my- I have bought my uh, a uh, Pokémon Flutes for my uh, for my mo- mother Barbara Chandler for her- for her music. And I have bought myself just- just a- a whole bunch of rare Transformers toys and animation programs off o- off of eBay.

[Voice that sounds like Homer Simpson]"Autobots, defeat those Decepticlones!"

Peace. Oh, hmm, and another thing uh... The- the uh, Dark Horse Publishers has uh, offered me a, to create my own uh, template for a uh, official Sonichu magazine. So hmm, why'n'ch- why'n'cha take a look here... [Shows the cover of his magazine] It's the uh, Rapid Fast News Dash.

Hmmm. I love ya Kacey!

Translation
Hello! This is the real Ricardo Weston Chandler. Impostor in the small vest, I do not only to understand your last video, but it has excellent command over the Spanish language. I can establish my identity they speak many languages. I also speak French as I took (it) two years of french during my high school years at Manchester. With my pretty French professor. I obtained my diploma with mention. I even have a certificate to commemorate when I was the manager of the (varsity) team. [Can't make this out, but it sounds like "I also have to learn from Germans"] and I am capable to speak fluent German. Not to be expected, but [can't make it out, sounds like "I are a certificate"] in CADD. Hmm. It's a lie, the photo, though effort has been made. Well, if he is the real Chris, then he should be able to read this, but he has to answer every question in these languages!