So Need a Cute Girl

"Such words were never more true, but if I didn't feel the sadness, lonliness [sic] or torture in my heart from after my first encounter with that Witch Bitch, I might be a fuckin' weak sap, instead of the SALTY, AGGRESSIVE, and TRULY SWEET TO THE LADIES and NOT TO MOST MEN type of MAN that I AM."

- Chris commenting on "So Need a Cute Girl," 11 November 2007 ED edit.

"So Need a Cute Girl" is the first track off of Christian and the Hedgehog Boys's eponymous debut album. It is sung over a live version of "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys on their 2000 Into the Millennium Tour. Chris has described it in an Encyclopedia Dramatica edit as his "sweetheart search theme song." It is arguably his greatest hit, and certainly the Hedgehog Boys song Chris goes back to most often; as well as the performances listed below, impromptu features appear in a number of his videos.

Bizarrely enough, since November 2013 the song has been available for download for 89 cents on Amazon's MP3 store. As Chris has never mentioned this, it is very likely a troll put it up there and is making money off of Chris's work.

In 2016, Chris made a remake of the song for the Paid Video Requests, replacing the words "I have a boyfriend" with "I'm already taken" to include lesbians. In a 2017 retrospective, Chris admitted that hearing his old song made him cringe, also misidentifying the original artist behind the song as *NSYNC instead of the Backstreet Boys.

Lyrics
[sung over The Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way"]

Hey! Look at me! I'm sitting here sad and lonely!

Without a fire, But a desire To not hear you say, "I have a boyfriend!"

And I see da ladies walking Along one by one, And I never wanna hear, "I have a boyfriend!"

Tell me why I'm stuck as a virgin with rage! Tell me why I so need a cute girl my age! Tell me why I ain't ever wanna hear you say, "I have a boyfriend!"

And I have no fire But a desire To not hear you say, "I have a boyfriend!"

Tell me why I'm stuck as a virgin with rage! (Tell me why) I so need a cute girl my age! (Tell me why) I ain't ever wanna hear you say, "I have a boyfriend!"

Why do all of the jerks Get all of the pretty girls? (Yeah!) You may not notice, But I want you to know That I am a lonesome heart!

And I have no fire, But a desire To not, to not, to not Heeeaaar…

Stuck as a virgin with rage! So need a cute girl my age! I never wanna hear you say, "I have a boyfriend!"

Tell me why I'm stuck as a virgin with rage! (Tell me why) I so need a cute girl my age! (Tell me why) I ain't ever wanna hear you say, "I have a boyfriend!"

Tell me why I'm stuck as a virgin with rage! I so need a cute girl my age! (Tell me why) I ain’t ever wanna hear you say, "I have a boyfriend!"

Never say it, now!

&#42; In some versions of the song, "as a virgin with rage" is replaced by the alternative lyric "in a sad, lonely cage."

*&#42; In some versions of the song, "I ain't ever wanna hear you say, / I have a boyfriend" is replaced by the alternative lyric "I really mean it when I say, / I need a girlfriend."

*&#42; In a version of the lyrics posted by Chris in one of his ED edits, these lyrics are changed to "I mean it when I say, 'I NEED A SWEETHEART.'" 

*&#42; ''In more recent versions, he replaces "I have a boyfriend!" with "I'm already taken!"'" ''

Live performance
On 12 July 2009, one of Chris's "friends" uploaded Christian and the Hedgehog Boys giving their first public performance (sans the Hedgehog Boys, though Chris probably imagined they were there in his head), with their song "So Need a Cute Girl." Perhaps in an attempt to come off as less creepy, Chris opts to use the "sad, lonely cage" lyrics instead of the "virgin with rage" one. Although his performance is predictably sleep-inducing, for the most part, Chris's added "flourish" at the very end of the video (in which, in an attempt to evoke Michael Jackson, he slaps his hand on grabs his crotch) makes for an unforgettable couple of seconds.

Transcript
Chris: [fervently slaps crotch at the end] LADIES, ALL HANDS ON ME. [There are no takers, just laughter]

Man: [bewildered] Oh-whoa-WHOOOOA there, buddy!! Whoa-ho, you got that on film!