Mailbag 13

Mailbag 13, posted to the CWCipedia on 9 December 2009, was unique among the mailbags in that it did not contain a single actual email. All the letters in this mailbag were written by a collection of CWCki members to produce maximum information about Chris's sordid life.

Due to the focused nature of this mailbag, there is a distinct absence of the common staples of mailbags past. There are no letters on Aspergers, no drawings sent in by "fans" and only one completely inoffensive mention of homos. Each letter does the minimum required amount of ass-kissing to get Chris's attention before launching a battery of questions that the trolls have been curious about.

Chris answered the letters in this mailbag in the very early hours of 10 December 2009. Surprisingly, he actually managed to provide full answers to almost all the questions asked, only occasionally veering off topic to talk about video game betas or shout at his Sysop in bolded all caps.

Dinosaurs with evolution rights, and some Brotherly Love
From:  Greetings Christian!

First of all, I'd like to thank you for putting so much effort into creating your wonderful 'Sonichu' comic! The crew on my ship loves to read it, and the adventures of that Electric Hedgehog Poke'mon have inspired us all! My personal favorite character is Wild Sonichu.

I have a few questions that I'd like to ask you, though...

1. Which theory do you align yourself with, evolution or intelligent design? Most Christians believe that the theory of evolution is nothing but myth, but your comic seems to be pro-evolution. Is this true?

2. What is your current relationship with your brother, Cole Smithey? I've always enjoyed reading his film reviews, so it was certainly a surprise to find out that you two are related.

3. If God loves us all, then why is there so much suffering in the world? Why are you made fun of so much? Why are there homos and dykes in the world? If all of these things go against God's will, then why do they exist?

4. Whatever happened to your gal pal, Chloe? I remember you mentioning her in a video a while ago, but she just disappeared after that.

5. How can you justify Rosechu's behavior in Issue No. 8 of your comic? What is it that Jason Kendrick Howell did that was so bad... draw a picture of Rosechu with a pickle? You clain to be "patriotic" and that you "love America" (even though you don't know the words of the National Anthem and mock national tragedies), yet you act as is someone creating a parodic image is like an abomination of God. In your mind, is having one's head shoved up an Electric Hedgehog Poke'mon's vagina and then electricuted the correct punishment for drawing a picture?

I look forward to reading Issue No. 10... keep up the good work, Christian!

Your fan,

Charles@undefined

My brain feels like a bomb, night and day. It must expand!
From:  Dear Chris,

I've been reading your comics for a long time now, and I have to say, your writing style is very unique! I've grown to appreciate it a great deal, and being an avid reader, I would like to enjoy more books like it!

I absolutely love books of all forms. Some of my favorite authors include Tim Dorsey, Max Barry, GK Chesterson, Robert W. Chambers, Mark Z. Danielewski, and of course, Christian Weston Chandler! :) But I'm curious to know what you like, or what you find particularly inspiring. So I gotta ask:

1.) What books or authors would you say influenced your writing the most? I know you're a fan of RL Stine's work, but are there any others?

2.) What books would you recommend to your fans? Again, I know you enjoy the collective works of RL Stine and How to Talk to Girls by Alec Greven. What else do you enjoy?

3.) Have other mediums inspired your writing style? For example, I love the storytelling of Gochi Suda (Who wrote the story for games like Contact and Killer7). Are there any TV, Film, or Video game writers that influenced how you tell your stories?

4.) A little bit off topic, but a lot of great writers crave variety, and like to occasionally take a break from their established work and focus on telling a completely new story that's totally disconnected from their prior work. Do you plan on telling any stories with nothing to do with Sonichu, Rosechu, or anybody else from CWCville VA?

Please be as in depth as possible, as I really love your work, and want to know as many of your inspirations as I can! :D

Thanks a bunch, and have a great day!

--Gabe Syme@undefined

Dude, Where's My Job?
From: Kevin Flynn kdawgg72@aol.com

Chris, since you're so good at figuring things out I was wondering if you could give me some perspective.

I got a job at Wendy's after my dad said I had to get a real job. Anyway I worked there for a few weeks and the manager fired me! (It was more like 5 weeks but I've been rounding up to two months so it sounds better on my resume) We didn't get along that well but I didn't think it would come to this. I was honestly shocked because I thought I was doing a real good job, showing up on time every day and doing stuff they told me to do. Man, what gives?

I read that you got fired from Wendy's once, too. Can you give me some more details on your last day? What was your experience at Wendy's like? How did your boss act? How many hours a week were you working?

I feel like a huge failure after getting fired from the only job I've ever had, and it being Wendy's. How did you cope with it?

Take it easy,

Kevin@undefined

Rosechu's running skills are inferior, and Chris sleeps in the buff
From: Amber Blue v3n0m1300@gmail.com Hey Chris, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you! XD Loyal sonichu girl here, saw you on web soup and then found your awesome sonichu comics! I'm sorry you've had to take so much shit from throlls, you're obviously straight and I would never buy anything from the dumb kid who's impersonating you. I hope he is still feeling the effects of that curse you put on him in that one video. I've been wondering some stuff about the world you've created. I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Can Rosechu run? I've seen Simonla run, along with sonichus like Reldnahc and Walter Grisby. Why does Rosechu need to be carried on sonichu's back?

As a white law student who just got a porsche for my birthday, I sometimes like to imagine what it would be like to be married to the creator of sonichu and rosechu. What do you wear when you sleep? Would you like to sleep close to a girl or leave some room in between?

Love the daily updates, keep them coming!

-Amber Blue xoxoxoxxx@undefined

Chris would not be surprised if a biography was written about him
From:Brittany J. the.scribes@gmail.com

Hey Chris!

I know you're probably REALLY busy right now (the holidays are so stressful for me!); so I'll make this really fast. A couple of gal-pals and I were chatting about our favorite celeb biographies, and I couldn't help but think of you. How would you react if, someday in the future, an independent author wrote a book about you? Like, idk, a CWCography? As long as it's truthful, I think it'd be soooo cool.

Love, Brittany

PS: Don't let the crazy emails get to you. Some of them seem REALLY WEIRD, lol.@undefined

Take Your Prescribed Medicine, Young Man
From:  Hi Chris,

Recently I got into a little bit of legal trouble. Nothing really bad, it got blown way out of proportion I think. Basically some guys taped me saying things on the phone to a friend AS A JOKE and then told everyone I was being serious (BUT I WASN'T!) and I ended up getting fired at my job. Well I'm still mad about it, but that's not why I'm writing.

During the trial, I tried telling people the truth, but they wouldn't listen, and I just got so ANGRY and started YELLING. I didn't mean to be rude to everyone but they were telling lies and wouldn't listen to the truth! It kind of reminds me of how the trolls are always trying to slander you, and thinking about how you keep going inspires me so I can keep going too!

Anyway, they made me go see a psychiatrist (I AM NOT CRAZY, IT WAS NOT MY CHOICE) and the psychiatrist told me I should take some medicine to help me be less angry. I don't know if I want to or not, I mean sometimes I do get mad and just fly off the handle at people, but I don't want people to think I'm crazy because I take medicine! Do you take any medicine? Do you think it helps? My doctor said he was going to give me pixel or paxel or something like that, have you ever heard of it?

Thanks,

Rod@undefined

Concerning the sanest members of the Chandler family
From: 

Hey, Chris!

So, I hear you're an animal lover, and that, in the past, you've owned a dog and several cats! As a fan and fellow pet owner, I just wanted to ask a few questions...

1. Where did you get each of your cats from?

2. I'm having a lot of trouble getting my new kitten house-trained. Do you think I should just give up teaching him to use the litterbox? If so, why?

3. On a related note, my brother has a new puppy, and he's trying to decide whether to housebreak her or just let her live outside in a pen. What do you think, and why?

4. How come we never get to see your cats in any of your videos?

5. Out of the cats you have now, do you have any favorites? If so, why?

Well, that's all for now! Tell the kitties I said hi!

-Patricia@undefined

No one lives forever
From: 

Hello Chris,

I was wondering: if you were too old or too sick to continue writing comics, would you ever consider passing the Sonichu torch to somebody else? Your future child, perhaps? I would like to think that the Sonichu legacy will live on and enrich the lives not only of people today, but generations to follow.

Yours in Christ,

Wally@undefined

Cricket team
From: Team CWCket 

Hey, Chris!

Just a quick message from a group of your most loyal fans! We're a women's cricket team from England who are all huge fans of your work, so we decided to call ourselves "Team CWCket" in tribute to your good self!

We love team sports, and we noticed that you were a manager of your high school basketball team - that's so cool! Do you have any cool stories about the team beyond what you've told us in the comic and your writings? We'd love to hear all the gossip!

Hope you have a great day, Chris, and like our team motto says - "Keep a happy thought!"

- From all your pals on Team CWCket! <3 <3 <3@undefined

Paging Dr. Freud, paging Dr. Freud...
From: 

Hi Chris! As a loyal Sonichu fan, can I ask for a little bit of advice?

See, like you, I'm in my twenties, and I still live with my mother. And people think I'm weird for it. They keep saying I should move out, but I just don't want to. They also think it's weird that sometimes, my mom and I cuddle up next to each other while, say, watching TV. I don't see anything wrong with being close to your mother!

What do you think? How close are you to your mother?

- Eddy@undefined

Tough money choices, previously missing crucial game details, and Moon People
From: 

Hello Chris! I'm a 16-year-old Sonichu fan from Finland.

I've got some questions:

1) I just saw you were looking for sponsors from Europe. I don't like the horrible horrible ads either! I might help! Me and my best friend have €1000 in savings. We were going to buy PS3s (I think they go for about €500 these days, if it's less, we'd buy some games too). Do you think we should buy the PS3s? I mean, we don't have any other new consoles right now, just old GameCube and PS 1 and GBAs. Or should I spend it on the ad space?

2) These Sonichu games you had mentioned sound awesome. Can you tell us more about what you planned for them? I know they've got Sonichu and Rosechu and other characters, but what kind of games they are? Are they like Sonic 3D games? Or are they more like Pokemon? Or are they something between (like how Sonichu is between Sonic and Pokemon)? Are they action games or RPGs? Or maybe even Action RPGs?

3) Metal Sonichu was awesome! (I mostly liked him because the metal characters are awesome in SSB Melee) Will he ever return from the Moon? My friend thinks he's probably allied with Silvana now - is that true?

-Erik@undefined

CWCVille Mall: A New Classic of American Design (and surprise gameplug)
From: 

Hallo from Germany!

I'm a big Sonichu fan, and I like your Comics because I like Sonic the Hedgehog and architecture - I want to be an Architect one day. So it was very interesting to see that you've studied engineering and drafting! And it shows in the Comic! That's why the Comic is so interesting! And I see you've put a lot of effort to the architecture of the CWCville!

But I'd like to know a bit more of the CWCville and the Mall that is featured in the Comic, if you don't mind.

Putting a Mayoral Office in a Mall was pretty innovative! I've not heard of anything like that. You can imagine my surprise, because here, municipal buildings (like City Halls) and business buildings are strictly separate! Is it common in America to have Mayoral Offices in Shopping Malls? If it is unusual in America too - and I guess it could be - how did you come up with such an interesting Plan?

And who owns the CWCville Mall? Here, we have some Government-Owned Enterprises, but I have heard they're quite rare in America. If the Mayoral Office is based in the Mall, does the City own the mall, or have they rented the office space? There must be some special Arrangements in place, right?

As I said, I'm not yet an Architect, but I have made some City Plans. Have you made more detailed City Plans of CWCville? The ones in the Comic are not very detailed, but it would be fun to see a more detailed City Plan.

-*- Bert -*-@undefined

Yes, the same Chris-chan who flat out hates the X Box 360 because it has a subscription fee shells out $25 a year for Sony's stupid little magazine that contains news you can find on a plethora of gaming sites for free.