Mailbag 11

After answering Mailbag 10, Chris sent a message to his sysop requesting that future mailbags be better screened for letters that could cause stress. It would appear this request was ignored, as Mailbag 11 had no shortage of difficult questions.

Unlike the last few mailbags, only a few of the questions were about homosexuality and Aspergers. Several people wrote in to ask about the disturbing deaths of Ivy and BILLY MAYS. Other highlights included a suggestion that Chris start freezing all his navy, and a Sunday school teacher's very literal take on Leviticus.

Marriage counseling
From: Chris Hutchinson  Hi Chris! I have another question for you!

Nearly all of your electric hedgehog pokémon have girlfriends. Has anyone ever broken up in cwcville? Or do they remain true and honest sweethearts forever?@undefined

15 years cute!
From:  Dear Chris,

Judging by your response to Levi Johnston, you seem to know a lot much about women, so I thought I would ask for your advice.

I am 26 years old and I have, but I can't stop thinking about. I don't know how to bring it up to my fiancee that I want to have sex with her sister...do you have any advice on how to break it to her? I love my fiancee very much, but her sister turns me on so much that it's hard for me to function sometimes. My sexual frustration over being denied underage china is building up, and I fear I might become an abusive maniac over this. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

Your fan, Paul Bernardo@undefined

Elevators are important for the handicapped, so they don't want any phobias
From: Sarah Lutt  Dear Chris, I love the comic, but I need a guy's opinion on something. I am a boyfriend free girl, but I think that guys don't like, and won't approach me just because I'm in a wheelchair :( So, my question is this; Do you like people in wheelchairs/ disabled people in general? If not, why? Also, in one of your recent comics, did you have to portray Ivy and Mr. Mays' deaths like that? I am a big fan of your comic but I feel that letting children read about the graphic demise of a beloved pitchman may scare them; even I was deeply upset by that page, and I never cry, but that page may be insensitive to Billy Mays fans everywhere. Please reply soon! Sincerely, Sarah@undefined

Another one blows some steam
From: christina87@mail.com

You still haven't answered any of my previous messages. Why is that? I hate to play the "white knight" card, but you've left me no choice. First off, your views on sexuality are ridiculous. You can't change someone's sexual orientation.It is not genetic either. It is basically an aspect of your personality. You really need to understand that. I doubt you'll read this, and probably just block my e-mail address from this account, but I really feel like I need to get to across to you. Your CHURCH is accepting of other people's lifestyles. So why do you go there if you hate "da homos" so much? You bigotries not justified, and are probably mindlessly taught to you by your parents. Start thinking for yourself, seriously. I'm not trying to insult or belittle you. Please just listen to people who are trying to help you for once. I'm sure you're a good person deep down, but you need to show people you are. It is completely normal to be of a different orientation, and you can't "get" gay from anyone else. I really would like to see you improve yourself.@undefined ''Chris added an email reply template to the bottom of this letter, but has yet to actually type a response. It's possible he forgot about it.''

In which Chris is a fucking monster
From: James Reed  My name is Jim F.N. Reed, and I am a 64 year old veteran from Ohio. I spend my days working as a history teacher and golf coach, and then going home and reading your comics to my grandson, Billy. As an autistic, Billy readily relates to you and your comics, and it gives me something to do besides polishing my golf clubs and rings.

However, I didn't write this here letter just to ramble about myself. I was reading your comic to Billy last night, and reached page 92 of issue nine, wherein you graphically describe the death of a woman named "Ivy". Are you out of your dang mind, Mr. Chandler? I thought this was a children's comic, and you've got a quarter of that page devoted entirely to a graphic description of some poor woman dying a grisly death in an elevator. When I read that to Billy he was so shaken up he couldn't sleep all night, and then this morning when I was taking him to school, he refused to take our apartment building's elevator. The poor boy dozed off on the way down and ended up falling down fifteen flights of stairs. He's still alive, but now he's brain damaged and physically deformed, and all he does is sit around and say "Uhhhhh..."

What the hell do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Chandler?

-Jim F.N. Reed, Ohio@undefined

Just plain stupid
From:  Dear Christian Christopher Ricardo Weston Chandler,

I have been following your Sweetheart Search for some time, so I am curious to ask you; what would you do if you finally got laid and found out that sexual intercourse isn't nearly as gratifying as you have hyped it up to be for yourself? What if after more than a decade of wondering, hoping, and waiting, you finally meet a nice girl, get to date number three, and are left feeling cold and soulless afterward?

I only ask this because most men get to sate their hormonal urges within a 5 year window after becoming sexually curious (fyi: When I lost my virginity at 16, it was pretty friggin' rad... and actually it's still really rad!), but you've had probably well over a decade to wonder what it would be like... so I can't help but be curious as to whether or not this extended period of time would make having your first sexual encounter to you like watching was for many of us; not worth the wait.

My intentions are not to put you down, I just can't help but wonder if you hadn't ought to reign in your expectations. If you end up not enjoying intercourse with a female, I fear you may turn into one of those dirty homos.... and I couldn't bear that.

Your friend for life, Daniel Plainview@undefined

Science gets done and you'll make a neat gun
From: Herp Aderp <4shbringer@gmail.com> Hi Chris,

I'm a big fan of your work. I've read all the comics, and enjoy them all, especially the sub-episodes. The daily updates are like getting a present every day! Thank you, and keep it coming!

I have 2 questions:

1) Why don't you make more Captain's Log entries? I enjoy hearing about whats going on in your life, even if its a quick update, and would like to hear from you more often, as I'm sure your entire fanbase does!

2) Have you considered doing a more scientific "comic"? I thought your "Examining Sonichu and Rosechu" segment was brilliant, and very close to a college-level text book. Maybe doing a similar one on the (physical and mental) human reproductive system would be insightful? If you could make it into a text book (or even a chapter in one), it could be very lucrative since college text books are EXPENSIVE!!!!!!!

One more thing, I know you're a big Brittney Spears fan (as am I!), and I'm wondering what you think of ? I think she's the best thing since Brittney, and I was wondering if you've heard her music/seen her yet.

THANKS! Herpnatious G Aderp@undefined

The difference between rubbery pirates and laconic manchildren
From: Joseph Joestar  Hey Chris, how's it going? I like the new mailbag thing. It reminds me of the SBS sections from the manga, where the author answers questions from his fans. Do you read One Piece? Is this where you got the idea for doing a mailbag?

Also, while I like the mailbag (as I've said above), I'm sometimes a little disappointed with your answers. They tend to be kind of short and simple. An example I would give is when someone asked you what you thought of gun control. Your answer was, in its entirety: "I agree with gun control".

That's not enough! I want to know WHY you agree with gun control, and your opinions on the issue, not just a "yes or "no". This was just an example. Please give longer and more detailed answers to your mail. Myself and the rest of your fans would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks for reading,

-@undefined

The obscure clauses of the Mosaic Law
From: Mary Sullivan  Dear Mr. Chandler,

My name is Mary Sullivan. I am a Sunday school teacher. A parent recently came to me and told me her son was reading your Sonichu comic, and asked me to look into it in order to see if it were a wholesome Christian comic. After digging into it by searching your name online and seeing some of the videos you posted, I will have to say that I am shocked by what I found.

In particular, in one video, you quote Leviticus. However, in a later video, you show yourself shaving. You should know that Leviticus tells us that it is unchristian to shave. Please read Leviticus 19:27: "You shall not round the edge of your head, nor shall you destroy the edge of your beard." In another video, you are unshaven, but are sporting tattoos. I have learned later that these tattoos were indeed fake, but you're still promoting an unchristian message by wearing them, as Leviticus 19:28 reads, "And you shall not make a cutting for the dead in your flesh, nor shall you make a written tattoo upon you; I am YHWH."

These are the words of God. I would suggest you pray on this, and speak to your church counselors about Leviticus, especially on homosexuality (including lesbians), shaving, and tattoos. Until you can make amends, I can only tell parents that Sonichu is not a Christian comic, and warn them from letting their children read it.

God bless.@undefined

In which Chris assumes none of us owns dictionaries
From:  Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening Mr. Chandler

I read your comics all the time but I was just wondering if you could please explain to me and to your fans what a parody is and how Sonichu is a Parody of Sonic the Hedgehog

Thank you Very Much and Good Luck with your future

Sincerely,

Alan Greenstein@undefined

The near-obligatory autism question
From: Jesse Barmby  Hi Christian, I wrote to you not to long ago asking about what I can do to have an autistic child. You suggested I read about autism on Wikipedia, because, in your own words, "raising a child with Autism is A LOT OF HARD WORK". Boy, you were you right!

After doing some research, I found out that autistic kids such as yourself are mentally retarded, ugly, fat, naive, can't draw, and will usually be virgins forever. I also read that autistic children have poor muscle tone, which explains why you are so weak and have no strength at all.

I hope you're not offended by these comments, this is simply what I found in my research, which you suggested that I do. You likely disagree with a lot of these comments, but that's simply because you're too stupid to understand. It also says that Aspergers is a type of autism, but you are so severly mentally handicapped and fat that you don't seem to be able to comprehend this.

To follow up, because autistic people have so many problems, do you think that they should be euthanised? If you don't know what euthanasia is because you are mentally retarded, you can look it up on wikipedia.

Anyways, thanks for the previous response! GO OUT AND ZAP TO THE EXTREME!@undefined

Are there any naval bases in Alaska?
From: Frank Capone  Hello Chris-

I have been reading Sonichu for a while now and have recently seen some of your Youtube videos. In one video, you explain that you drink your own "navy" or semen after you masturbate to recycle it. I assume you mean you want to put the sperm that left your body back into your testicles.

I do not know who told you this was how the human body worked, but this is NOT true. Your digestive system is not at all connected to your reproductive system. When you ingest your semen, it will go straight to your stomach, where the acid in there will KILL all the sperm. Sperm are very fragile and cannot survive for long outside of the protection of your testicles. In fact, the moment sperm exits your body, they are destined to die unless you FREEZE THEM. The heat and power of your stomach acid would definitely kill them.

If you are truly interested in saving all of your seed for future child bearing, I suggest you put all semen you produce through masturbation into your refrigerator or, even better, your freezer. That way you can later have a doctor put the frozen sperm into your wife.

Hopefully this has helped you in your quest for your future-daughter Crystal. I sincerely hope you have not already killed the seed that would create her by drinking it.@undefined