Mumble 9



Mumble 9 is the 9th of the Mumble chats involving Chris, held on 23 February 2009.

In this chat, Chris enters a room full of Miscreants. The trolls, who have been mostly playing along with Chris in the chats so far, suddenly take a much darker turn and gang up on him. They tell Chris that their mission is to stop him from ever getting china (which later failed), and that they have many operatives including Jason Kendrick Howell. They also criticize him for multiple things, most notably a lot of his faults. Chris exits the chat after Arjen Van Dierten shouts death threats and calls him a fag. He later returned not far afterwards, but only after Arjen is (presumably) kicked from the call.

Part 1
Clyde: Welcome to the brothers, Miscreants! [Trolls pipe in with "Brother!"] Clyde: Alright-- Chris: First, stop this. Look. I did that vid--look, I did the--first off, I did that video just for Julie. And her brother found it on her computer, and uploaded it to the YouTube, without...neither of our consent. [pause] Clyde: Do you understand what the Miscreants are, that her brother is part of it? He has been a very valuable...member. [pause] Do you understand what the Miscreants are, Chris? Other Troll: Do you understand why we're here, fool? Chris: Let me guess, you're all a bunch of trolls, aren't you. Trolls: No-- Clyde: NO. Other Troll: Y'all isn't intelligent(?), isn't it? Clyde: Look. Ever since Evan from /v/--well, you don't know what /v/ is, but ever since Evan posted those gay pictures with the "masturbating and squirtin'", we have been there from the beginning. Chris: .....what? Clyde: Don't you remember Evan, the person who sent you gay pictures of Sonichu and you having sex? Chris: [sigh] Clyde: In 2007? Troll: Don't tell me Chris, the stress is going to make you leave. I'm sorry, guys, we should stop stressing him, Clyde: SILENCE! [pause] Do you remember? Chris: Yeah. Clyde: Do you remember Jason--always a valuable member, always willing to take the fall for me--c--creating the ED page, getting their e-mails? He was a good member too. [pause] And can't you remember Blanca, the one who destroyed your medallion? Remember? Chris: Yeah. Clyde: All part of the Miscreants, Chris. And the latest member: Sarah McKenzie. Or you know her as "Panda". She's not dead. She's alive, at my side. Panda's sleeping right now, I shouldn't be talking so loud, anyway- yes. I can't believe you fell for her. [pause, some trolls say something incoherent] <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: We've been here from the beginning. Do you know why, Chris? [pause] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: You're trying to make a slander out of me and a fool? Or just pick on me- <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: What? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Or just to pick on- <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: No, no! The goal is to make sure you never get laid. That is the goal of the Miscreants. Troll: Virginia is for Virgins! Other Troll: Our goal is that you are a virgin, foreva! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I ask you, why do y'all have to pick on me like this? <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: You don't care about women. That is why. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [talking over Clyde's second sentence] I do care about women. Troll: And you are a disgusting pig. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: [at the same time as troll] Then why are there females in our operation against you? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [pause; sigh] I know y'all are doin'--I know y'all are doin' it--or have been doin' this just for the laughs against me. Troll: LAUGHS?! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: But don't y'all have to-- Troll: This is far more than laughs, Chris-Chan. Other Troll: This is serious. Troll: [pause] You are a foul, stinky pig that must be eradicated from this Earth. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: No, no, he must not be eradicated. He must be made an example of, of a horrible man, destined to never, ever, have a wife, or even girlfriends. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Why do you have to pick on me like this? You don't need to do this! Don't you all have lives of your own? Can't you go find your own sweethearts to do with? I'm not even-- <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Why do you think this whole operation matters, Chris? Why do you think a sweetheart will solve everything? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [sigh] Troll: We have lots to talk- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Look, I care-- Troll: We must protect the women from you. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Look, I care about the women for their own personalities. Troll: No you don't! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Yes I do! Troll: LIES. Other Troll: Bullshit. Third Troll: Lies! You don't resp-[is cut off] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Yes, I DO respect respect women. [People talk over each other] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I CARE ABOUT THEIR PERSONALITIES, you bastards! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: What? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I ca--I care about their personalities. I care about them--about how they feel. I care about--everything about them. They- Female Troll: Chris, you don't respect them. You only respect their cunts. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [pause; sigh] What? Troll: You gotta respect the ladies, man. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I DO respect the ladies! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: No you don't. Prove it. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Alright, how do ya want me to prove it? <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Exactly, you can't! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I can prove it, I'm just not sure how- how do you want me to prove that I respect the women that I--like I do? Troll: Because you don't. You don't know how. You [slams something] can't. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I can prove it. Now what do you want me to do to prove myself? <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: You have to figure that one out on your own. Otherwise, if we tell you, then, we've already given you the answer! Nobody tell him! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [sigh] Jesus Christ. [pause] <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Julie has ruined this. Why did you have to go for the TRUE and HONEST love--we had Sarah May distract you from her, but no, she failed. [pause] But it's not gonna be a problem soon. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: You leave, you leave Julie alone! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: No. [Troll makes buzzer sound] I need to protect her, from you. I'd rather have her marry me. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Look, Clyde, we've already--look, Clyde, I was--I listened to you. And I've been thinking about the job situation. I have-- <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Look, I don't care about any of that anymore. Ever since you said you hate the Chinese to her, to Julie... <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Wait, wait a minute, what? Troll: Chris-- Other Troll: I LOVE NIPPON. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: You said it yourself, don't deny it! You hate the Chinese. You said that yourself. You made a mockery-- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [interrupts] I NEVER SAID THAT! I never said I hated the Chinese! Troll: Yeah, you totally said that, dawg. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Don't try to lie-- <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I never said that! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: I heard your computer. I've been listening to you. Don't you dare lie to me! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I don't even remember saying anything like that. Female Troll: We all remember. Indian Troll: I remember. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: [unintelligible] you pig, it was something [unintelligible] to Julie, you said something like "Ohhh, me so Chinese" and then Julie said something like "So was that Chinese or Japanese?" and you said "Who cares? They all speak the same!" Don't you remember? Trolls: Yes, yeah, yes. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Okay okay, I'm sorry I said that. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: No you aren't! [cries of protest from trolls] <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: ...but then you say you hate the Chinese. How is that not racist? [more cries] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: But look, look, I respect the Chinese. [lots of people talking at once] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I WAS TRYING TO MAKE JULIE SMILE! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: ...you say that with the Chinese. Troll: By being hateful? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I was trying to make Julie smile by making her laugh. Troll: Julie is an idiot. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: That is horrible, Chris. This is why you are--this is why no one should ever be with you, ever. Troll: DESTINED TO VIRGINTUDE FOREVER! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [stress sigh] Will you all--will y'all just leave me alone-leave her alone? Female Troll: No. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: No. We must convince her that you are the most despicable man. She's a little naïve, but we'll turn her. Troll: We do. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Leave her alone! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: We're not leaving her alone. This is for her own good. Female Troll: We're trying to help her, Chris, don't you see? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: No! [stress sigh] Troll: Again, be a man and put some fucking bass into your voice, you pig! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: What?! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: You sound like a little girl, how is that manly in any way? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Y'all are making me very nervous right now. Troll: How are we making you nervous? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Y'all are ticking--y'all are fuckin' and ticking me--y'all are fucking pissing me OFF right now. [troll laughs] <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Look, it's not you who should be pissed at us, it's we who are pissed at you. You are a despicable human being. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Look, I was-Julie asked me to send her that video, alright?

Part 2
<font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: I don't care about that video, what makes you think I care about that video? <font color="#0033FF">Chris: She cared about me and I cared about her very much! I wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to make my family believe that she was real. I wouldn't have gone through so much trouble to find-to try to find Molvanîa on the map! Troll: Who cares? <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: That doesn't mean you care about her, you just want her for sex! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: NO! I care about Julie for who she is! Trolls:[unintelligible] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I want Julie for her! Troll: Yes, her china. You sick fucking pig. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: No, for her personality and the way she cares about me very much. Troll: What personality? You don't know anything about her personality! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: She is a very sweet woman! Troll: You haven't even met her in real life. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Maybe not yet, but I'm going-I'm going to. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: It'll be too late. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: You leave her alone! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: We're not going to leave her alone until she's safe, with us. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [stress sigh] What...? <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: What are you going to do, get your fanbase on us? Your fanbase that doesn't exist? Troll: Chris, I have something to tell you. We are the fanbase. Troll: Yes, all of them! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [sigh] Trolls: RA RI RU RE RO! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: RA RI RU RE RO! <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Look, you can make a video on YouTube, trying to out the Miscreants. You can say all that you want about Clyde, how much you hate him, but it's not going to do a thing. But I dare you, do it. Stand up for yourself, stand up for Julie. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Clyde, I'm standing up for myself bruf-by listening to you bastards. Trolls: [laughter] <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: You just listen and take it like the bitch you are. You don't do any action. Never! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I DO ACTION! I done a lot more than any of you-any of you- [cut off] Troll: Is that right? Female Troll: You don't even know. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: Why do you all have to mean so much disrespect against me? <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: It's not disrespect for you... [too much talking] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I am a respectable human being! Trolls: No you're not! Arjen: You're a fucking scuzzbucket, you stupid fag! What the fuck are you doing here right now Chris, what the hell? Indian Troll: Arjen, settle down! Arjen: I've been waiting for this for a long time. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Do you know why we despise you so much? It's because you are a horrible human being whose only goal in life is to have sex. <font color="#0033FF">Chris: [sigh] Arjen: Hang yourself Chris, kill yourself for us! Trolls: [cries of protest] <font color="#0033FF">Chris: I've got my Aunt Corrina's death to worry about and her funeral tomorrow [cut off] Trolls: We don't care! <font color="#0033FF">Chris: You just... fuck off! Female Troll: He left! [unintelligible, trolls talking over one another] Female Troll: He left! Troll: Arjen, you're just fucking abusing him. Trolls: [talking over one another] Arjen, you just went overboard. Troll: I mean we're basically just taunting him, we're not actually, like [unintelligible, more talking over one another] Trolls: Don't worry he'll be back Trolls: [unintelligible, more talking over one another] We're the only fans you have. <font color="#4DBD33">Clyde: Don't worry, Chris will come back when he realizes Julie's in danger. Troll: No he won't. Trolls: Yes, what we should do is have like, quote Julie unquote be like: 'Oh my brother's like with the miscreants and now they're holding me hostage like my brother's Female Troll: [Over other troll] Hey, it's push to talk. Trolls: ...Turn me into [''unintelligible; the Metal Gear Solid "!" sound can be heard in the background.''] Trolls: [unintelligible, more talking over one another] Troll: No, no, I mean like have Julie, have Julie send, Julie's brother's with the miscreants, hold Julie hostage, he's like, you know what, I'm sorry to your sister but, I'm going to take you in, I'm going to take you to Clyde. Listen, I have to do this for your sake, I have to take you to Clyde. Put in a few message for Chris. [audio cuts] Troll: That doesn't sound [audio cuts] Troll: RA RI RU RE RO! Trolls: [unintelligible] We'll see what happens.

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