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Father Call

2021-03-19T11:14:06Z

An alias: /* Summary */

[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

The '''Father Call''' is a [[Phone calls|phone call]] that occurred on 4 [[November 2009]]. In this call, [[Solid Chris]] spends 2 hours on the phone with [[Trolls|Matthew Devoria]] (born [[1957]]), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]], and a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]]. Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the dad of his sweetheart by boasting of his now-legendary [[honest]]y before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.

Their conversation is illuminating. What follows is probably the most blunt personal assessment Chris has ever received to date: Matt berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and his Ego|egotism]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Chris's room|inability to grow up]], [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[obesity]], [[Women's rights|treatment of Kacey]] and general failure at life. To this day, Chris has never taken any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart; throughout the call he retorts by saying that he leads a hard life, which includes such laborious tasks as doing menial [[chores]], [[CWC Fighter|mowing the lawn]] and ''[[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]''. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homos|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being berated with insults for two hours (or so he says), Chris became increasingly more [[stress]]ed, frequently making insensitive statements towards Matthew. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her relationship and go back to [[Liquid Chris]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which, to put it bluntly, ended equally as poorly.

==Summary==
* Throughout the call, ''Portal'' is occasionally heard in the background, as well as constant typing sounds every so often. A turret from the game can briefly be heard at approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes in.
* Chris sighs constantly during the call – to a point where Matthew points out the constant sighing ''3 times''.
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious-sounding claims about his weightlifting prowess, saying he [[11042009 51 50|just got done lifting 50 pounds]] 51 times with each arm, a total of 102 reps according to Chris. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, and instead hands the phone over to Matthew.
* Before she hands the phone over, however, Kacey claims she has to lift at least 100 pounds for her job. Chris does not question how or why a waitress would have to lift that many pounds.
* Matt starts out being fairly civil toward Chris, though it's immediately obvious that he doesn't have much respect for him. Matt begins by calling out Chris on his underwhelming employment record, and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a [[Pokémon]] Gym Leader/babysitter seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding monthly tugboat. Matt asks if any hypothetical children (or "'tard babies", as he says) of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic, and while Chris denies that they would be, Matt checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris lies during the call, and while Matt goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous the next time Chris does it.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]]. Not only does Matt consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be blasphemous, he doesn't even like Crystal as a name and believes it's more appropriate for a [[Little Tomboy Blue|stripper]], or [[wikipedia:Cristal (wine)|an expensive brand of]] [[Alcohol|champagne]]. Chris corrects him with the pronunciation of the name to not sound like a stripper, "Chris-tul", not "Chris-tal" (he also misspells the name). Chris ignores the fact that Kacey does not like the name that much either, as Matthew points out.
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey for her looks, he is questioned on why the great and powerful Liquid was impersonating him. Solid's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''. Matt is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on ''Sonichu'', before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years.
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matt brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers]], and says that he found that said video to be especially offensive since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001. Chris's only response is to blame it all on [[Clyde Cash]], because [[Mumble 9.5|he was being "mean" to Chris]]; Matthew is unsurprisingly baffled as to why Chris tried "getting back" at a random guy on the internet by mockingly comparing him to the subject of one of the all-time biggest American tragedies.
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matt tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like", but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, like pulling weeds, playing [[Guitar Hero||Gitar of Fail]], mowing the lawn, moving furniture, and burying his beloved [[Patti Chandler|dog]]. Matt is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother, and even points out his grandma with ''arthritis'' pulled weeds.
* Chris also seems to believe a dog house made of plastic and wood weighs 5 to 10 tons (10,000-20,000 pounds), and believes the doghouse would weigh more than any tombstone (which tend to weigh an average of about 80 pounds). Trying to gain sympathy by saying Patti's doghouse was essentially a tombstone. Chris believes plastic and wood would weigh more than solid stone, retracting the previous claim to saying the doghouse weighed 100 pounds. A small dog like Patti would not need a dog house that heavy nor large.
* Chris isn't discouraged by the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matt, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing details about the [[Ohio trip]] in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he wouldn't come to D.C. to meet Kacey if he were willing to drive +800 miles to another state to rescue a girlfriend he eventually found out didn't exist.
* Matt accuses Chris of acting like a child, and mentions the state of his room as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility, remarking Chris's plan to be a house-husband. Chris just tries to blame [[Barb]] for not helping him, hypocritically saying Barb is lazy. Matt sarcastically comments on his lack of maturity, but Chris misses the sarcasm and thinks he's actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, ''Chris compares the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matt spent carrying his dead colleague back to base''. Matt is rightfully ''furious'' at this comparison, and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father. Chris tries to say he was being respectful and Matthew treats him like a child. Kacey points out he needs to be nicer and more respectful to Matthew (not to mention, throughout the call, Chris is acting ''like'' a child, which Matt doesn't overlook). After being yelled at by Kacey, Chris "apologizes" to Matthew, with Matthew seeing past his crap.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matt to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Matt points out that's a book generally already read by high school students, and then asks him what he learned from the novel. Chris proceeds to describe the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a ''vaguely'' correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story. When Matt brings up the court case (a major part of the story) and the character of Atticus Finch (who is the main character's dad), Chris seems to not know what he's talking about.
* Matt says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat. Chris ''completely'' misses the point of that comparison, and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills, and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey and a child on his tugboat and a minimum wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matt points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matt off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point, Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her and her father's advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle, and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be 84 per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble and unhealthy eating, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by him possibly risking death, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American-born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matt points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, true patriots wouldn't make videos mocking national tragedies.
* Matt decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11 (which should've been easy for Chris because Matt told him ''earlier in the conversation''). Matt tells Chris that he must be [[naïve]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of [[Niggos|the dreaded "N" word]] and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least, until Matthew reminds him which of the two was formerly in the USMC, causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his [[Bruce Johnson|elementary school principal]] and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matt brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriate "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads into Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" [[Autism|to be a cast-iron rule]], rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly tries weaseling his way out of the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. After some back and forth regarding Kacey, the future of Chris's relationship to her, her song dedication video, and Chris's own version of the song, Matthew snidely congratulates Chris on getting Kacey and Liquid back together.
* Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit, as Matthew attempts to hold back laughter. She mentions Chris failing to make her a comic (presumably what would become the [[Sonichu Special 4|Gun Comic]]) and instead making her a ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' level. Kacey reveals Chris asked her for her phone number, which she refused to give him until her parents trusted him – Chris claims he would have come to her if he knew where she was – despite earlier in the call implying after Julie, he would not travel to see any girlfriends. During this, she compares him to Liquid, who she says would've driven to see her soon as he knew she was upset (Chris didn't bother during the call to ask how she was when talking to Matthew). Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up, big time.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Father Call
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|Jhp5WyvPWNI}}
| Stardate = 4 November 2009
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[Kacey Call 24]]
| next = [[Kacey and Liquid Call]]
}} </center>

===Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)===
'''Chris:''' Hello?

'''Kacey:''' Hey, Chris, it's Kacey!

'''Chris:''' Hi, Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house, cause, um, they wanted to call [''Chris speaks over her''] 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter.

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did fif--I did 51 reps with, uh, 50-pound weights… well, not really weights, but as much as they are…

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, li… you know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times--arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hmm. [''pause''] Well, at--was--was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but… it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like… 100 and more pounds for my job--I, but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad for you, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Alright, by the way what's his name? [''pause''] Mokay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, uh, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Oh, Matthew, okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. [''corpsing'']

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Kacey:''' Alright, well gu--just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay. [''long pause and typing noises'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, si--good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm da--I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good. Good. So, uh… so, I've got a couple of questions for you… well, n'I mean more than a couple. Aaai?

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an answe--with an honest answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. [''inhales''] Well, uh, first and foremost, uh, let's see, uh… you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kinds of places, uh, what kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah, w--yeah, I'm looking, um--I'm applying for, like, uh--retail stores and such, uh got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at the [[Walmart]], and I had one over at [[Target]]… I have worked before, I've worked at--duh, [[Wendy's]] in di--Ruckersville for a few months… first off, I worked off as a sales representative for, uh... [[Cutco]] Cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's--that's minimum wage stuff, uh… yi, d'you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at… ''Target''… I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean… surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? And how old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27… sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''30'' and you're working at the… ''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh… degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know… but I mean, if I--if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job…

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get… in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Hmm… I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it… y-you haven't… you haven't had any jobs between then?

===The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had--I did--I did volunte--I have done volunteer work… uh… [''cut off'']

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? [''stutters''] Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' Uwha--what kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, well yeah, I helped the--I helped, uh… the chil--I helped the, uh, children over at the--at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Assistant Gym Leader]] for the [[Pokémon]] [[Trading Card Game]] league, a few years back…

'''Matthew:''' P--''Pokémon''? Di--wait, that…

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, and building decks from ther-swha-what scraps they had, and uh… di--making sure they kept in order, y'know, d-d-don't get too crazy…

'''Matthew:''' And how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' …I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' It was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' [''stutters''] That's still going strong. Maybe I--

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' …and I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. [''pause''] So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' …yeah, but also [''stutters''], like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting… but… but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? I mean, and, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and ''really'' helping people. Planting ''trees'', that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have--I have been--I have helped people--out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind… knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure that their children were playing and, uh, were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' Right. I'ean, [''stutters''] and… but… are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore? [''crinkles paper or snack bag'']

'''Chris:''' Ummm… yeah, it was kinda, um, kinda like, uh, you know, not too m--not too many were showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was a sa--yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on, but anyway… but anyway, aside from that, I… I've been searching and, uh, doing [''stutters a lot''] yardwork for my family and other sorts of… heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right… well--aaaah, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pokeyman'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with [[Borb|my mother and my father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for the while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I mean, I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20… y'kn--I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… yeah. But, you know, to--to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though… I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I--yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so… uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my--[[Rental House|move of the house]].

'''Matthew:''' …with her help?

'''Chris:''' …and get a place of my own…

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know… um… ye, some details I'm not understand… I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know… mmm… I… it's like a… whole bunch of details… you know… yeah. [''says "mmm" or audibly farts'']

'''Matthew:''' Explain, please. [''stutters''] I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know, y-sti…

'''Chris:''' Yeah… but still, I mean, that's not…

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know… I keep between myself…

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, okay, if you can't s-s-if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh…

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um…

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah… isn't that autism thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar… I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also…

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the [[Barb|mother]]'s line but it can be in the [[Bob|father]]'s as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah… no, I think that's good, yeah, you go… What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see… if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream… as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, CrySTAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne…

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be CriSTAL, it would be CrySTULL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-Y-S-T-L-E ''(yes, he misspelled that)'', you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so… you said this all came to you in a dream… dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Tetsas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler (18:28-24:18)===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in…

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like [[Chris and reality#Chris the Goddess|being a prophet]] to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or… and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah… if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from God, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]…

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream… I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know… time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So… why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps [''pronounced "corpse"'']. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father… but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But… you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… umm… yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand… talking about… and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's Boobs and Fame (24:18-33:24)===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' [''extremely uncomfortable laughter'']

'''Chris:''' I am very poetic as well, just to let you know, sir.

'''Matthew:''' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny…

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little… "encounter," we'll call it… she said she was a little bit… uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend [[Kim]], she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now… he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh… it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books… I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so… you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things…

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for… what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh…

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…

'''Matthew:''' This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===The Shit Hits the Fan (33:24-39:17)===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up YouTube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah… 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…

'''Matthew:''' You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a YouTube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the Internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, n--Kacey was, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was--I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That...are y-are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:''' No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me…

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my…

'''Matthew:''' That's… this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bull[[Lars|sheeit]].

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something…

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me…

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity and Chores (39:17-48:08)===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little… your voice is all wavery… good lord. You want to date… YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from… you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of… enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine…

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is…

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like…

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like…

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' …until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back…

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay… I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her… a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]…

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG… good natured…

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's… why don't you… that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? [[CWC More Than A Feeling|I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.]]

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know… what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a… fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and Fake Internet Women (48:08-54:05)===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had… I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to… fucking… a plane by fucking… piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my…

'''Matthew:''' And your… but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing… that's nothing…

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you…

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? [[IRC_(20_January_2009)|Are you calling my mother a dog]]?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that… you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women…

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN…

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that…

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I… I may not admit, okay, well, yes…

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake… fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't… no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and [[Ohio_trip|I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth]] back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to… Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I… [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in…

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

===More Shit Hits the Fan (54:05-58:09)===
'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. [[I AM STRONG|I am a STRONG MAN]]. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your [[Patti Chandler|little dog,]] playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I DO WORK around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, they are, EVERYONE works around the house!

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't...the, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh'']… heavy weights! I mean...

'''Matthew:''' And, and, I've seen--an-an, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]], it's a ''fuckin' MESS!'' You call that working around the house? [''stutters in disbelief''] Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really..move, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault.....that's, that's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work...she's been livin' more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is...this is nothing. Uh I mean, at this rate, you're not getting...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing…

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point, you know, maybe every....while, this is no, I mean, this is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I... oh! And you don't think...!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think [[Chris and Remorse|carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden]]… That was a heavy burden!

'''Matthew:''' That's...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' [''stammering in utter shock''] Is this... are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under…

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life…

===Kacey Returns (58:09-1:02:35)===
'''Matthew:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' I mean, just, this...what is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me…

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit...and how he has to move chairs and do...oh no...housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...you know, of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Matthew:''' And this guy, this guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really, wh--

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Like what?! ''Like what?!?!''

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you ARE a child, ''I'm'' a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Like, you can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' ''What are you doing?''

'''Chris:''' Well... yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm… I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well… believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You… are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']

===Literature and Health (1:02:35-1:13:17)===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch… yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [''pause''] It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So-so what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I...have...learned.....that I have to be able to...cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like [[Honor roll|George had to put up with Lennie]] throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? In fact, that was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I-I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. I mean, when did you-when did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I...I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' I-you know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books, y'know, she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''rage button pushed''] Stuff...candy...don't...I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. I...you don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're... [''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after… that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't... with that much…? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after...a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but...how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe...maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go… you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't… you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't… [''sputters'']… don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's… how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well… yeah, well, I can't…

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like… half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

===Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs (1:13:17-1:19:04)===
'''Chris:''' But I…

'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have… you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so… you may not think so…

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him…

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she… she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look…

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about… minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it… I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like…

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

===Respect and Listening Skills (1:19:04-1:24:45)===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been… he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I… wh… no. [''pause''] I, I… [''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so…

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then… and then he started, he started…

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way…

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just… [[Family Guy|grinded my gears]].

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she… hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh… hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is... this, do you, do you even listen to her, orm, her at all? I mean, how can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is… she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W… well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you… you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because… just… you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send… I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker (1:24:05-1:36:33)===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around… what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No…

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokémon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than…

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about…

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just… you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me....for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that…

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the...phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']

'''Matthew:''' You don't… it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just…

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O… kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that…

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me… Tell me… How about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's… that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to… how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That… I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really… Because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you… You still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long… Do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say…

'''Matthew:''' And play… Okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that… That means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking…

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's…

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright… [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that… yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine…

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may show-- not show-- I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't… Less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I…

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore…

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris Blows It, but He's an American! (1:36:33-1:41:33)===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah… let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well…

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is… that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you…

'''Chris:''' That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, ''really'' turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, ''maybe''.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like… a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly… as a friend… a true friend, a good friend…

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean…

'''Matthew:''' I do know, because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well… points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image…

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I… am an [[United_States_of_America|''American'']]! I am proud to be an American and [[I_AM_STRONG|I am ''strong'']]. I am an individual…

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic… if you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't… do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Love and Memories (1:41:33-1:46:21)===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You… you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I… I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't… That's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because… I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would… [[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Matthew:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's… that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ....no, okay, her grandmother, who is ''my''...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' [''claps once''] How long did that just take you? Good boy! [''chuckles''] God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:36)===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is...man. You can't have Kacey, with...with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so...[[naïve]]. [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me…

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' 'A line'… you crossed the line. You've just… you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment?"

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you… wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to [[Death threats|threaten]] me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I… no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you… I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be… pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spell-check, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making… mistakes…?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even…?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the [[Slow-in-the-minds|only thing that goes faster than your brain]]. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel… [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay… here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli… What are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with… I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and Respect (1:52:36-1:57:38)===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school… prinstapull… and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of…

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I… it was not a retard! No… It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to fight the school system, they wanted to put me in a [[Nathanael_Greene_Elementary_School#The_.22institution.22|mental institution]]! But that was not…

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy… This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental… If I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you… and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person…

'''Chris:''' I do res… I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating (1:57:38-2:08:38)===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's… that's… that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and [[Kick the Autistic|kick your ass right now]]!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't… I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that… I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about… on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you… have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm… Yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes… anything, any of this creepy… shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well… first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet…

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really?'' [''scoffs'']

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't--I don't believe, I mean, I don't believe a word of that. [''stutters a bit''] How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Two's company snapshots|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that--and how did that turn out? And how did she act to--how did she act toward you? What'd she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just was not all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around...around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' [''stutters a bit again''] And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know! I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' ...but-s-so you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' .....yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, you can't think of, maybe...I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. [''Chris scoffs''] I mean, I didn't even need to think about it. [''pause''] I mean, uh...I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. Took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. [''scoffs''] And how much--and how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's...$10 for dinner? Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could tell you the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So--so where would you take Kacey? You know, she's a pretty high-class girl. And I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I, you know, I y'know, you probably didn't--I said you probably didn't even tip. And, so where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip?

'''Chris:''' About 15 or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So, how much did you tip, then? If you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. I, you know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. I mean, you know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to...to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of 10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Eee...that's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm...let's see, hm...that would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' You, so you would just pay $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, y'know, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even ''do'' math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the ''high-class, hoity-toity, rich type'', type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least...they're not rich either, and they still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well, good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. I mean, income would be, like, y'know, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing!

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from...being, from being talked down about, some, about some, about the honest...details I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because...it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't...it's not made of, uh, y'know, Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, and how are you better than all this? [''stutters in disbelief''] You're doing exactly, you know, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you is...you do nothing but what exactly what you have said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Matthew:''' And you need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not! You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===What Are You Gonna Do Now? (2:08:38-2:18:03)===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well… I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me! When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, and I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. I mean, we are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Well, actually, that's fine, you know, you can...you can go, you can whine and, you know, weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. I mean...what are you gonna do after this, y'know, what are you going to do tomorrow? You're going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's...that's--

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up...and I'm going to be...finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe in--you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because…

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really… this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a… I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together. [''pause'']

'''Kacey:''' [''bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!

'''Matthew:''' [''cracks the fuck up'']

'''Kacey:''' You've been so insulting to my father, and everything…di, uh… Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! [''stutters''] I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. You--yo--I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. [''pause''] And I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess… maybe I… did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. I mean, you can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So, you know what? I-I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. [''pause''] I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the 2 hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven 2 hours as well. But I did not know…

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean… yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then… and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough, because you haven't done anything like that. Like, you've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, 3 songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''LittleBigPlanet'' thing for me. I mean, come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the stress! I can't do this. I want a real man. [''long pause''] And thi--you can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you done, Chris. Look what you've done! [''pause'']

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's--thi--that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble…

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' [''long pause''] I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry. [''typing and long pause''] I would like to say… good evening.

'''Matthew:''' [''long pause''] Ssssso... what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 24]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6mRSOBYFcaBNloweEFQOElEdjA/edit?usp=sharing Link to MP3 on Google Drive]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ddn91nknqahn87a mp3 of phone call]
*Audio ripped & combined from YouTube vids in [http://db.tt/vNbYguZ0 OGG] or [http://db.tt/akLWEieq MP3]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhp5WyvPWNI the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Excel Saga

2021-03-19T09:44:07Z

An alias:

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{quote|[[Anime]] Review: Excel on Excel Saga
 
Excel Saga is a [[Random-access humor|wacky]] anime with [[parody|parodies]], an [[Boyfriend-free girl|energetic girl]], Excel, the ideological commander of ACROSS, [[ScotPalazzo‎|Il Palazzo]], a wandering soul, [[Niggos|Pedro]], and many other characters. The story is that it is a [[saga]] where Excel must suffer numerous hard adventures to realize ACROSS’ plan of conquest over a [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|corrupted]] world.
 
Excel Saga has a total of 26 episodes on a set of 6 [[Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :)|DVD]]s. If I had to pick a favorite episode, I’d pick episode 17 where Excel travels to [[United States of America|America]] where she describes the differences between [[Anime]] and [[The Adventures of The American Rabbit|American Animation]]. She also does an excellent [[parody]] to the classic Anime, [[Sailor Moon]], in this episode.|--Review by Chris<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville//SchusNews3.htm</ref>}}

[[Image:CWCMonica.jpg|thumb|300px|Chris meets [[Wikipedia:Monica Rial|Monica Rial]], who played [[Wikipedia:List of Excel Saga characters#Hyatt|Hyatt]] in the [[Chris and English|English]] dub of ''Excel Saga''. This is also perhaps the only time Chris has touched an attractive woman without her being immediately repulsed. What a brave, brave woman.]]

While the [[Things Chris has ripped off|plagiarism]] in [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] is obvious to just about anyone, there are even deeper, more subtle layers of unoriginality in Chris's masterwork. Truly, if Sonichu is the bastard [[homos|gay]] love-child of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Pokémon|Pikachu]], then Excel is surely his surrogate mother. For while the characters in ''Sonichu'' are mostly fusions of [[Sonic]] characters and ''[[Pokémon]]'' characters, Chris draws a lot of his "[[Random-access humor|humor]]" from '''''Excel Saga''''' (エクセル・サーガ, ''Ekuseru Sāga''), along with various other miscellaneous ideas that wound up in the comics.

Additionally, ''Excel Saga'' has left something of a cultural impression upon Chris's personal life as well. The purpose of this article is to list as many of these influences as possible, and to provide the original context for those unfamiliar with the anime. Due to the relative obscurity of ''Excel Saga'', and the complexity of Chris's plagiarism of it, this article will also provide some additional background on the series.
{{TOC limit|2}}

==Introduction==
[[Image:Excel-Saga.jpg|thumb|''Excel Saga'' (note Lord Il Palazzo in background and Menchi (the dog), a plushie Chris owns)]]

The genesis of the [[anime]] lay in [[Wikipedia:Kōshi Rikudō|Kōshi Rikudō]]'s fan comic, ''[[Wikipedia:Municipal Force Daitenzin|Municipal Force Daitenzin]]'', which was an adult-themed parody of the ''sentai'' genre (read: ''[[Power Rangers]]''). By [[1990s#1996|1996]] he had retooled the concept to focus on Excel, one of the characters in the original fan comic, and the first ''Excel Saga'' comics saw print in Japan. Fun fact: Rikdo dabbled in some [[Sonic]] fancomics as well, and he hit the big time at the age of 26, making him everything Chris has ever dreamed of being professionally, whether Chris is aware of it or not.

The manga tells the story of two factions struggling for control of the city of [[Wikipedia:Fukuoka|Fukuoka]], Japan. One, ACROSS, is led by the ruthless but myopic Lord Il Palazzo, who seeks to conquer the city as a stepping stone to world domination under his own high-minded ideals. His organization consists of only a handful of young women, who seem only vaguely aware of his intentions. The title character, Excel, is the first of these agents, later joined by Hyatt, and even later, Elgala. The second faction is the Department of City Security, headed by the civic-minded but manipulative Dr. Kabapu, a powerful government official. Over the course of the series, he recruits a number of people to work for his department, then slowly compels them to perform increasingly bizarre tasks in the name of civil defense. Though Kabapu and Il Palazzo share some mysterious history, the rest of their respective groups remain unaware of each other for much of the series. Against this backdrop, Rikdo weaves a satire of life in Japan during [[Wikipedia:Lost Decade (Japan)|the recession of the 1990s]].

Soon after the manga began publication, Rikdo was approached about an [[anime]] adaptation. He agreed, on the condition that the anime's storyline differ from his own, as the manga's plot was still unfolding. Further, much of the cynical, sometimes controversial humor in the comics was unsuitable for Japanese television, and so the anime's director, Shinichi Watanabe, had to come up with additional material to fill out the show. Among these contributions were a new character Pedro, an [[Heather Iglesias|immigrant worker]], the Great Will of the Macrocosm, a cosmic entity capable of reshaping continuity, and Nabeshin, the director's over-the-top alter ego. To explain this flagrant disregard for the source material, one of the running gags of the anime is an ongoing struggle between Rikdo and Nabeshin for control over the creative direction of the series, with Rikdo using a comically oversized rubber stamp to approve the use of his characters to lampoon various anime genres.

==The series and Chris==

[[File:Modnation ExcelExcel.jpg|thumb|Excel in ''[[ModNation Racers]]'']]

The series was then adapted for release in North America by [[Wikipedia:A.D. Vision|A.D. Vision]] in [[2002]], and would eventually end up in the DVD player of a certain [[autism|autistic]] manchild we all know. The [[Chris and English|English]] dub adds yet another layer to the series, which parodies other anime series as it partially adapts a manga that itself parodies even more anime. To better help American audiences get the references, ADV included optional pop-up notes in the DVDs so that a befuddled viewer could learn just what the hell Excel was imitating or why such-and-such dialogue was supposed to be a pun in Japanese. In other words, 99.99999999996% of the humor in ''Excel Saga'' was almost certainly over Chris's head, and so when he speaks of the series as being funny, he's probably just repeating what it says on the back of the DVD case, or referring to slapstick humor like Excel falling down a hole. That Chris would dare to steal material from this series has three side-effects:

1) Chris doesn't actually understand what he's stealing. At least when he ripped off [[Pikachu]], he knew how to do it. Cute yellow thing shoots lightning. Simple. From there, Chris would go on to draw its [[pickle|penis]], but the basic gist of Pikachu was properly stolen. When Chris rips off a joke from ''Excel Saga'', however, he robs the gag of all context, resulting in an awkward line of dialogue that's unoriginal ''and'' unfunny.

2) Chris is ripping off anime he hasn't even seen. For example, since Chris actually had watched ''[[Dragon Ball Z]]'', it's difficult to say for certain if the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] was lifted directly from ''DBZ'', or the episode of ''Excel Saga'' that parodied it. The vast majority of anime titles mocked or referenced by ''Excel Saga'', however, Chris has probably never even heard of, so when he steals that material, he doesn't realize it was already borrowed the first time.

3) For once, it isn't immediately obvious when Chris is ripping something off. Since ''Excel'' isn't nearly as well-known as [[Sonic]] or Pikachu, Chris can actually sort of get away with lifting ideas from it.

==Episode guide to ''Excel Saga'', with influences on Chris==
===Episode 1===
[[Image:405-ExcelV1.jpg|thumb|Chris's autographed copy of volume 1 of ''Excel Saga''.]]
Excel is assigned to assassinate manga artist Koshi Rikdo, who created the ''Excel Saga'' comics on which the anime is based. After the Will of the Macrocosm restarts the story several times, Excel gets a part-time job directing traffic for a construction site. There, she meets immigrant worker Pedro, who gets killed as a result of Excel's hyperactive negligence.

Influences on Chris:

*'''FQX as a replacement for the FOX network:''' An FQX searchlight logo is used at the end of each episode as Excel promotes the next one. Chris would use "FQX News" as the home network of Greta Squall when he ripped off the Spring Break bit from ''[[Family Guy]]'' in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]].
*'''"Only three days since I skipped my last deadline":''' Sung aloud by Koshi Rikdo as he blithely draws his comics in his home, unaware that Excel is preparing to murder him. Chris would repeat this line for no good reason in "Off Target", featured in [[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu'' #4]].
*'''"PEDRO IS SHOCKED!":''' One of the many running gags throughout ''Excel Saga''. When a character is shocked they will scream out "SHOCK!" This is usually done by Pedro, but Nabeshin and Sandora have also said this. "SHOCK" has been used many times throughout the Sonichu comics, and this is most likely the inspiration.
*'''"I could do all this before breakfast, but I had lunch a couple of hours ago":''' Said by Pedro when Excel motivates him to work harder at the construction site. Even the characters acknowledge that's a dumb wordplay gag native to Japan. It's less of a joke than a sign that Pedro is settling into his host country. Nevertheless, Chris uses it in his "classic" Sonichu strip from January 13, [[2004]], featured in [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]].
*'''Il Palazzo:''' Excel's leader, whose vast ambitions are undermined by his myopic strategies. For example, Il Palazzo seeks to unite the entire world through conquest, yet seeks only the takeover of the city he lives in, since it poses a lesser risk. When he calls for a purge of comic books from his New Order, he sends Excel out to kill a single cartoonist (Koshi Rikdo), an empty gesture at best. Chris attempted to demonize the manager of the Fashion Square Mall by recreating him as "[[ScotPalazzo]]", but this is ineffective, as Il Palazzo is less a villain than a mere [[parody]] of one. This would be equivalent to combining Scot from [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]] with [[Wikipedia:Colonel Klink|Colonel Klink]] from ''[[Wikipedia:Hogan's Heroes|Hogan's Heroes]]'' or Dark Helmet from the movie ''[[Wikipedia:Spaceballs|Spaceballs]]''.
*'''Nabeshin:''' Self-insertion of series director Wata'''nabe Shin'''ichi. His appearance in his own anime is intended to be a parody of other directors who insert themselves in their own animes, and so he appears as a colorful man of action and mystery, often portrayed as more important and critical to the plot than the characters adapted from the original manga. In general, Chris probably draws justification for his own self-insertion into ''Sonichu'' because Shinichi did it first, ignoring the fact that the Nabeshin character manages to be ironic and badass at the same time. Shinabe, the martial arts master who raised [[Punchy Sonichu]], resembled Nabeshin in appearance and name.
*'''Excel:''' Hyperactive protagonist. Fanatically devoted to Il Palazzo's contradictory ideals, Excel blathers on endlessly throughout the series, with mixed comedic results. While the character "[[Mypoe]]" is named for ''[[Wikipedia:Puni Puni Poemy|Puni Puni Poemy]]'', another anime Shinichi Watanabe directed, she looks much more like Excel than anything else.
*'''Menchi:''' A small, white dog. In many ways, the mascot of the show. Chris owns a plushie of Menchi, which can be seen in the background of many of his videos. He also created "Menchi-Nasu High School" in his "[[The High School Story]]."

===Episode 2===
Sci-fi parody. Nabeshin senses his old master, the Space Butler, has been abducted by the Martian Puuchus, en route to invade the Earth. Excel destroys the Martian battleship in a manic fit, and the Martian's "Princess"--Hyatt--ends up in ACROSS headquarters, where Il Palazzo assumes her to be a new recruit.

Influences on Chris:

*'''Explaining the story''': After the opening credits Excel apologizes that the story from the first episode makes no sense at all. So she then tells us what the story is about, a few of the characters, and the setting as well. Being that Sonichu's story also makes no sense at all Chris would copy this in [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]].
*'''Puuchu''': If backed into a rhetorical corner, Chris would probably argue that his own blatant usage of [[Pikachu]] is legitimized by ''Excel Saga''<nowiki>'</nowiki>s Puuchus, cuddly yellow creatures clearly indented to resemble the popular ''Pokémon'' character. The difference, of course, being that Puuchus offer a [[Parody|humorous twist]] on Pikachu, in that not only their cuteness belies their hostile nature, but they also put a definitely not cute face on when hurt or serious.
** In addition, [[Sonees and Roseys]] certainly resemble Puchuus more than, say, Pichus.
===Episode 3===
[[Wikipedia:B movie|B movie]] action film parody. Il Palazzo tasks Hyatt with finding Excel, who was captured by mercenaries in the previous episode. Instead, Excel is rescued by Nabeshin, who infiltrates the mercenary camp to save his beloved Tetsuko. Nabeshin blows up a bunch of shit and Excel returns to Japan, where she meets the sickly Hyatt, who has barely even begun her first mission.
*'''Director as the main character''': While Nabeshin had been aggressively inserted into the story before, the action movie format necessitated him in a bigger role, and here he pretty much moves the entire storyline forward. Much of this episode, from Nabeshin's fruitless quest to save his love, to Nabeshin's impossible victory over an entire army, would be reflected in the [[Sub-Episodes]].
*'''Prolonged speeches''': This is a staple in ''Excel Saga'', but it's worth noting here because this is the first time Il Palazzo really gets to preach on about what's wrong with the world. Similarly, most of Excel's dialogue in the anime comes in the form of rapid-fire babbling, which she does a lot of here, since she's in mortal danger for most of the episode. Chris may have interpreted this to mean that long-winded speeches are funny in general, regardless of topic or context. Thus ''Excel Saga'' may have inspired all those walls of text Chris writes into his stories, especially the ones where he lectures the villains for daring to oppose him. It should be noted, however, that while Excel and Il Palazzo are no less chatty in the ''Excel Saga'' manga, the author is much more conservative about writing every single friggin' word they say, since the gag wouldn't work as well in print.
*'''Bumping into each other''': Throughout the episode Excel's side of the story is being told is shown in wide screen, while Hyatt's has been shown in a normal screen. Near the end of the episode Hyatt begins her mission to locate Excel. We then see Excel, which Menchi strapped to her chest, skipping happily down the street; overzealous with the joy of escaping. We then see Hyatt, walking down the street rather slowly, contemplating on where she should begin her mission. It switches between Excel and Hyatt a few more times; until the two happen to meet with Excel's side of the screen still in wide screen, and Hyatt's in full. [[Rosechu]] and [[Amy Rose]] would copy this in the epilogue of [[Sonichu 6]], resulting in something that just doesn't make sense. Also, if we consider that Rosechu was in wide screen mode, that means that she answers only to the all mighty ScotPalazzo.

===Episode 4===
Romantic comedy parody. The girls' next door neighbor, Toru Watanabe (not to be confused with Nabeshin) asks Hyatt out on a date, but the matter is soon complicated to the point of absurdity by the antics of their respective roommates.

*'''[[Dating education|Dating game]] simulators''': This episode uses the concept brilliantly, depicting a real-life date between Hyatt and Watanabe, parallel to Lord Il Palazzo, who plays a [[video game]] featuring Hyatt as the girl he's trying to win. The idea of the game is to respond to romantic situations with one of three options. Throughout this episode, option 3 is often simply [[Sex|"Put it in"]]. As these dating simulator games never caught on in the United States, it's highly likely that this episode was what gave Chris the big idea to use ''[[Sprung]]'' to further his "[[Dating Education]]". This is further evidence that nearly all of the jokes in ''Excel Saga'' are way over Chris's head. The whole point of this episode is that these games are childish and unrealistic, and Chris simply assumes the writers are trying to give him tips on how to score.
[[Image: Pedro3.jpg|thumb|200px|Pedro, upon viewing the [[For Julie's Eyes Only|Chris-Chan Sex Tape]]]]
*'''Doll humping''': Excel rolls around on the floor with a life-size wooden figure dressed up to resemble Il Palazzo. Again, this is an example of Chris's warped behavior which might be attributed to him watching this show and thinking it's somehow acceptable in real life.
*'''Simple white background characters''': These nondescript bystanders appear during Hyatt's date with Watanabe, a parody of ''[[Wikipedia:Di Gi Charat|Di Gi Charat]]''. Naturally, Chris took their use as implicit permission to slack off in his own drawings of large crowds. You can spot this in almost any issue of ''Sonichu''.
*'''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''': Before there was [[Star Wars|Darth Vader]], there was Pedro. After dying in the first episode, Pedro's ghost endures a series of emotional trials throughout the series, as his wife immediately forgets about him and finds a new man (something Chris himself would later do when after a day he forgot about [[PandaHalo]] and moved on to [[Julie]]). Forced to watch the charming Gomez take over his family, Pedro can only watch in tears and scream his beloved catchphrase, which Chris would later repeat in [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]].

===Episode 5===
Drama about social issues. Excel and Hyatt infiltrate a government building to undermine the highest ranking city officials. Concurrently, Watanabe and his roommates, Iwata and Sumiyoshi, get jobs as civil servants working for the Department of City Security, a pet project run by the mysterious and influential Dr. Kabapu.
*'''[[Red String of Fate]]:''' When Watanabe whines about having to work alongside his odious roommates, Iwata suggests they're bound by the red string of fate. Watanabe angrily retorts that the Red String is only supposed to be for destined lovers, not just any two people. Watanabe then meets Hyatt, posing as a refreshments vendor, and decides that the Red String of Fate binds the two of them. This could be where Chris first learned of the concept, since it's not like he would have found out about it from ''Dragon Ball Z'' or ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''.
*'''Dr. Kabapu:''' Dr. Kabapu is the leader of the city's defense team. However, he seems to hold a great amount of power in politics; so much that he could potentially make anyone mayor if he needed to. His desire to protect the city is strong; although a bit warped. If there is a threat to the city, he will find and destroy it. This warped way of thinking may have influenced the way that [[Chris-Chan|the Mayor]] runs the city of [[CWCville]].
*'''Drool Waterfalls:''' Tears streaming like waterfalls is an often-used effect in ''Excel Saga'', particularly seen on the long-suffering Pedro. However, in this episode, many of the government workers are sickened after consuming Hyatt's refreshments, and begin roaming the building in zombie-like fashion, green drool pouring from their mouths. A very similar visual appeared in ''Sonichu'' #4, when [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal]] managed to paralyze the [[Jerkops]] in lust at a bowling alley.

===Episode 6===
Survival drama. Excel and Hyatt are sent to install a powerful weapon on a mountaintop and use it to destroy the city. Coincidentally, Kabapu's Department of City Security agents undergo training with laser pistols, and Iwata unwittingly foils ACROSS' plot when his weapon misfires.

*'''Misaki Matsuya's Character Notes''': The introduction of Matsuya was treated as a big deal in the anime, with a pause to display text on the screen describing the character's age, gender, hobbies, and personality traits. Chris would emulate this several times when introducing new characters, including [[Wes Iseli]], [[Sarah Hammer]], [[Allison Amber]], [[Simonla Rosechu]], and [[Zapina Rosechu]].

*'''Ha-chan, Eh-Chan, Will-Chan, etc.''': The suffix "-chan" is ubiquitous in anime, but most English dubs don't carry it over into the translation. Even if Chris had heard it before watching ''Excel Saga'', the sheer abundance of "-chan" combined with the first syllable of a character's name in the series is probably what led Chris to dub himself "Chris-Chan". This would also explain Chris's failure to realize the context of -chan. While the honorific is used for children, girls, and young women, ''Excel Saga'' uses it so gratuitously that a viewer might never notice the pattern, especially in this episode. Nevertheless, the suffix "-chan" could be seen as working for Chris in a unique way, since it effectively puns off his last name: "Chandler". The suffix is further validated by the fact that in many ways, Chris really is a child.

===Episode 7===
[[Image: Kabapu.jpg|thumb|200px|Fun Fact: [[List_of_Christian%27s_edits_to_Encyclopedia_Dramatica#Edit_details|Chris faps to this anime.]]]]

Horror film. Kabapu sends the DCS team into the sewers, not far from the underground lair of ACROSS. Excel and Hyatt activate defense systems at random, causing a flood. Both groups run afoul of the Puuchus, led by the hideous Puuchu Queen, until Nabeshin triggers a second flood which saves the cast and destroys the monsters.

*'''Ms. Momochi''': Kabapu's secretary, who walks in on Kabapu while he's in between changing clothes in his office. While bearing no physical resemblance, the character may well have been the inspiration for Miss [[Allison Amber]], Chris's mayoral aide and girl Friday.

===Episode 8===
Pretty girl anime. In a shameless bid to increase ratings, all male characters are stricken from the storyboards, appearing only as off-screen voices, shadows, or hands. The DCS team take a vacation day to visit the City Pool, while Excel and Hyatt coincidentally do the same. Hyatt befriends a young girl named Cosette Sara, who turns out to be a cunning assassin. In a strange twist of fate, Cosette is transported to the world of the dead, where she sees her mother's ghost once more, but Pedro warns that she cannot cross the Sanzu River to join her, for it would mean she would die as well. Taking pity on Cosette, the Great Will of the Macrocosm retcons Cosette's life so that her mother never died and her dark life as a child assassin never happened. The other male characters later confront Pedro for violating the "no-men" rule of the episode.

Influences on Chris: Nothing really obvious. This episode was primarily a tongue-in-cheek exercise in gratuitous fanservice, so Chris may have been too busy fapping away to notice anything else. He ''may'' have gotten the idea to do the Spring Break story in ''Sonichu'' #8 from this episode, but other than the all-Rosechu cover, it seems like a rather thin connection.

===Episode 9===
Sports anime. Considering athletics to be the universal language of the masses, Il Palazzo sends Hyatt and Excel to research ways to exploit sports for the purpose of world domination. This leads the duo to part-time jobs in a bowling alley, which is soon overrun by the [[9/11|terrorist]]/bowling organization "Stick and Balls", who plot to use the alley to spread their pro-bowling propaganda and return the "sport of kings" to its former glory. Excel flees to the women's restroom, where Nabeshin agrees to train her in the art of bowling to defeat the Stick and Balls' ringleader. Excel kicks everyone's ass and saves the day.

*'''"I'm much, much saltier":''' When Excel confronts the terrorists, they mock her for having run away earlier. Excel's response: "But I'm ''not'' the sweet little girl I was a few minutes ago! I'm much, much saltier now!" Compare to Chris's line from Sub-Episode 6 of ''Sonichu'' #4, as he describes his showdown with the Jerkops at a bowling alley: "Ah, but I am not the weak person they think I am; I am much, much saltier!" Chris has also used this phrase in private e-mails, to describe himself in the present compared to the naivete of his youth. Note that by omitting the word "sweet", he completely loses the pun.

*'''Bowling:''' The course of the battle in Sub-Episode 6 really doesn't match up well with Excel's bowling adventure, aside from the single hero challenging an entire squad of goons in a bowling alley and defeating them with superhuman bowling moves. It's possible Chris may be channeling some other cartoon in addition, but given the "much, much saltier" line, it's clear that ''Excel Saga'' gave Chris the bright idea to do a comic set in a bowling alley.

===Episode 10===
Animal anime. Menchi, Excel's pet dog/emergency food supply, escapes their apartment and tries to seek out a kindly old man who once took care of her. She soon befriends a pack of fellow strays, led by the charismatic Wolf. Wolf's pack agree to help Menchi find the old man, but soon run afoul of the Animal Control Department, a squad of dogs who serve as dog catchers. After great heartache and betrayal, Wolf and the others sacrifice themselves so that Menchi can escape. Perhaps favoring Excel's long-term threats to the immediate dangers of the outside world, she returns to Excel's apartment.

*'''Anthropomorphic dogs:''' While Menchi can't talk, and in fact seems to look and sound more like a cat than a dog, the other dogs in this episode can speak, and on occasion assume humanoid postures. It appears that Chris ripped off this imagery when he reincarnated his own dog, Patti, as [[Patti-Chan]]. Patti doesn't quite resemble any of the dogs in this episode (her design actually having been stolen from a picture by Megan), although her face does look sort of like a cross between Menchi's and Kyoko's. Her body seems to more closely resemble Wolf's when he's standing upright, and it may be that Chris had to combine their designs in order to approximate Patti's breed.

*'''A kind old man:''' Toward both the start and the ending of the episode Menchi has memories of the kind old man that took care of her before she met Excel. Once her memories are near completed, circles with memories of the old man fall slowly down the screen. Chris would copy this for the cover of [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]].

*'''Menchi's silent adventures:''' Until Menchi meets the other dogs, her speechless journey through the city bears a strong resemblance to the Sonichu Babies segments from [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]]. In particular, a band of cruel children start throwing rocks and boulders at Menchi, not unlike a certain Whale we all know and love.

*'''"I shall show you the power of the well-read dog!"''': Defiant last words of "The Professor", a Scottish terrier in Wolf's pack, as he sacrifices himself on Menchi's behalf. Chris alters the line into "Behold the power of the well-trusted dog!" when Patti-Chan appears in [[CWCville]] to save [[Crystal]] from [[Mary Lee Walsh]].

At this point, the folly of Chris's plagiarism should be clear. He steals ideas and clever lines, but dismisses the concepts that made them worthwhile in the first place. Patti-Chan's storyline in ''Sonichu'' is basically this episode in reverse, with a dead dog coming back to life and saving her friends, whereas the whole appeal to "Menchi's Great Adventure" is the absurd pathos of a Scottish Terrier with glasses and cartoon bombs being a suicide bomber.

===Episode 11===
Youth drama. Excel and Hyatt take temp jobs as teachers, and quickly get saddled with the responsibility of training the school's delinquent baseball team for the big championship game. They lose, as is a common trope in sports anime, to reinforce the greater importance of sportsmanship and teamwork.

Influence on Chris: None, apparently. Chalk this up to his apparent disinterest in sports, and the male-heavy cast of this particular episode.

===Episode 12===
Detective anime. Hyatt gets taken hostage by a pair of burglars, who panic and ultimately kill themselves when she dies and they fear they've murdered her. Meanwhile, the Department of City Security agents train under Purin, an impertinent young woman possessed by the ghost of her hardboiled gumshoe father.

Influence on Chris: None, again.

===Episode 13===
Review show. Excel and Hyatt compete in a game show-style contest assembling short films using recycled clips from the previous episodes.

Influence on Chris: None. Good going, Chris.

===Episodes 14 & 15===
[[Image:Mom_am_pig.JPG|thumb|Excel responds to Chris after reading the Sonichu comics.]]

Dr. Kabapu commissions the pederast cyberneticist Dr. Shioji to build Ropponmatsu, a female android to serve under the Department of City Security. Iwata immediately falls for the shapely robot, until she is destroyed while disarming an ACROSS bomb, and rebuilt as an obnoxious prepubescent girl.

Escalating the conflict, ACROSS deploys a robot to deliver a second bomb, which battles the second Ropponmatsu to a standstill. Shioji delivers a reconstructed Model One Ropponmatsu to assist, but ultimately both are destroyed by the bomb... only to be rebuilt again.

Influences on Chris: Ropponmatsu II may have inspired Zapina Rosechu in some way, but that would require corroboration.

===Episode 16===
Desperate for story ideas, the writers use both Ropponmatsus in the same story. By mistake, the rebuilt androids end up living with Excel and Hyatt, and imprint upon them to an almost romantic degree. After stealing food and money to support the ACROSS Agents, the Ropponmatsus eventually sacrifice themselves so that Hyatt and Excel can escape the wrath of the city police.

*'''Ropponmatsu II's "death" scene''': This is played out as an over-the-top parody of sentimental self-sacrifice scenes in anime, and as Ropponmatsu II begins to break apart, a drop of fluid leaks from her eye socket like a tear, and is depicted as splashing into a darkened pool of water. This would be repeated in Episode 23 when Excel gets shot. Chris would imitate this in ''Sonichu'' #4, using blood instead of tears, and Chris's impotent rage instead of the sadness of loss.

===Episode 17===
"American Japanimation." Il Palazzo sends Excel and Hyatt to the United States on a reconnaissance mission. There, they meet Pedro's son Sandora, who dreams of becoming a rich and famous animator in Japan, where he believes cartoonists are highly respected. Sandora makes a living selling animation sheets of later successor ''Puni Puni Poemy'' to a suspicious-looking man, and is later horrified to discover that his artwork is being traded as bootleg anime cels. Excel rescues Sandora from the criminals by employing various "rules" of both American and Japanese animation.

This was Chris's favorite episode.

*'''Sailor Moon:''' Long before Chris met Megan and got into the ''Sailor Moon'' series itself, Chris had used ''Sailor Moon'' trademark poses and variants on her catchphrase for his alter ego, [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]]. The Excel connection here is that Excel does the same routine in this episode, and a gunsel recognizes the reference, and notes that it's a really old cartoon. Compare to Chris's battle with Mary Lee Walsh in "Witch Confront", where Mary mocks Chris's poses and slogan as being "so old".

===Episode 18===
Kabapu forces his DCS team to wear the power suits of Municipal Force Daitenzin, and use them to battle injustice in the city. Furious at being trapped in the ''sentai'' costumes, the team agrees to just combat litterbugs, jaywalkers, and other minor scofflaws until the suits finally deactivate. Ironically, the awesome powers of the Daitenzin, coupled with their self-absorbed motives, cause far more damage to the city than any mere crime wave.

*'''[[Bagget]], Jerkop Daitenzen (sic)''': Perhaps wanting a more powerful role for Bagget than a mere Jerkop, Chris put him in a brown Power Ranger suit and history was made in ''Sonichu'' #4. Strangely, Bagget never makes use of any of the Daitenzin's special attacks or weapons.

*'''The boy and girl on the bench who look like a character from ''Battle Athletes'' and Ash Ketchum''': In ''Excel'', these two characters are attacked by one of the Daitenzin for public displays of affection, when in fact the girl was refusing the boy's advances. Chris used the girl in a similar scene in [[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu'' #5]], only they were a more romantic couple, and it was the Jerkops who intervened.

*'''Man and woman in coffee shop assaulted by Daitenzin''': In the original version, the couple were discussing when the man would leave his wife, as the woman was pregnant with their child. Chris sanitizes the moment into a "love confession" interrupted by a Jerkop, who punches out the man just as Sumiyoshi does in ''Excel''.

===Episode 19===
Animal anime again. Menchi ends up joining a young heiress on a journey around the world, but their trip is cut short by a common enemy.

Influences on Chris: Chris said this was the episode with Key, but he's wrong. Way to suck, Chris.

*'''Old Man Cyborg''': The punchline of this episode ends up being that the assassin determined to kill the heiress turns out to be the kindly old man who once took care of Menchi, before he turned evil and Menchi shot him in Episode 10. He returns here with a powerful robot body, eager to take revenge. While he doesn't look much like any of Chris's characters, the connection to [[Merried Seinor Comic]] is apparent, and this character may have inspired the other Manajerks Chris depicted as cyborgs.

===Episode 20===
Review show again. This episode recaps the Pedro subplot that's been going on since the show began. In short, Pedro learns that the author of all his miseries is a cosmic Yakuza-type known only as "That Man". Pedro is helpless against his awesome power, until Nabeshin unleashes the secret powers within both Pedro and his son Sandora. Now sporting afros of their own, Pedro and Sandora join Nabeshin to confront That Man, until he escapes with the Will of the Macrocosm.

*'''Sub-Episodes:''' While the segments of the Pedro recap aren't titled this way, they are numbered independently of the episodes of the main series. This "saga within a saga" format probably inspired Chris to depict his own adventures as separate from Sonichu's. Also, combining Pedro's adventures into a single all-Pedro episode is probably how Chris decided to rehash his existing Sub-Episodes in ''Sonichu'' #4, with additional Sub-Episodes to provide some closure to the storyline.

*'''Pedro in Limbo:''' The common theme of Pedro's adventures is that he has been mostly powerless against the forces that affect his life. As a ghost, he could only look on in horror as his family abandoned him, and strange cosmic forces manipulated him for sex and lulz. Similarly, Chris has been describing a similar experience for himself in the ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'' comics since he got marooned in the time void.

===Episode 21===
Rock anime. Il Palazzo's superiors send him a message via Key, an oversexed rock musician who insists on delivering the message through song, yet refuses to sing until he feels the proper artistic inspiration. To that end, Excel and Hyatt attempt to cultivate Key's creativity, but Excel finds herself becoming attracted to Key's untamed sexuality.

*'''Key''': Chris admitted that he adapted Key's revealing outfit to design the costume of his evil gay twin [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]]. The only significant differences are the change from red leather straps to green, and torn blue jeans in place of Key's ass-less chaps. Also, while Key merely displayed an ambiguous sexuality in keeping with his role as a bishonen rock hero, Naitsirhc is a hardcore gay guy, living out Chris's fantasy life of ejaculating whenever and wherever he pleases.

===Episode 22===
[[Image:Cwcexcel.jpg|thumb|By Dean Walsh's order! For the glory of Dean Walsh! BECAUSE DEAN WALSH DEMANDS!]]

Koshi Rikdo grants permission for ACROSS to actually conquer the city. The matter becomes academic, however, when a Puuchu warlord leads an invasion force to Earth to avenge their past defeats. Excel joins forces with Puuchu rebels to defeat the invaders, but the city is destroyed when debris from the battle collides with the Earth.

*'''Nabeshin as martial arts master:''' As the series approached the end, Nabeshin teamed up with Pedro and Sandora to battle That Man, and the three of them would go to a special training ground to hone their powers for the final battle. Based on this, Chris recast Nabeshin in ''Sonichu'' as G.D.W. Shinabe, a martial arts ''sensei'' who teaches his students how to edit film with karate chops. Shinabe would adopt [[Punchy Sonichu]] into his dojo.

===Episode 23===
Post-apocalyptic anime. Cut off from ACROSS, Excel wanders the ruins of what was once F Prefecture, defending the survivors from gangs and warlords. Horrified to learn that the villains are working for ACROSS, and that she has been targeted for execution, Excel confronts Il Palazzo to learn the truth. He shoots her in the chest without a word.

*'''Time-delay attack:''' Mostly, this episode parodies ''Fist of the North Star'', which features a powerful fighter kicking ass in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Since Excel is in the role of the hero, she uses a variation of the anime's titular attack, which involves punching your opponent a billion times. The thing about the ''Fist of the North Star'' is that it takes three seconds to have any effect, after which the opponent explodes like a water balloon filled with blood, then becomes a pastiche of Dejiko from ''Digi Charat''. When dubious villains question the attack's power, the hero would famously reply "But you're already dead", right before they die. Chris adapted this idea when he first used the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha in ''Sonichu'' #0. The Jerkhief didn't feel a thing at first, and then his life began to unravel from the curse.

===Episode 24===
Koshi Rikdo strips the series of all gags. Excel is rescued by Municipal Force Daitenzin, but after recovering from the gunshot, she has amnesia. ACROSS has conquered the region, but Il Palazzo begins to teeter on the brink of madness. The only hope left for resistance is Kabapu's promise of a secret weapon, and Nabeshin, who sacrifices himself to defeat That Man, one of the Il Palazzo's superiors in ACROSS.

Influences on Chris: Make your own "joke-free comedy" joke here. Seriously, though, Chris probably never stole anything from this episode because he couldn't wrap his brain around the irony.

===Episode 25===
As Kapabu and Municipal Force Daitenzin stage a desperate attack on ACROSS's mobile fortress, Excel sneaks into the base to confront Il Palazzo, whom she vaguely recalls as the key to regaining her memories. Il Palazzo makes short work of Kabapu's forces, but when Excel arrives and confronts his madness, he regains his sanity and they escape the fortress together as it explodes. Meanwhile, Pedro and Sandora discover That Man has survived, and defeat him for good with their ultimate attack, the ''Nabehameha'' Wave.
*'''"One Shot is all we get!"''' This line is said in unison by both Pedro and That Man before they engage in their ''[[Dragon Ball Z|Dragon Ball]]'' style beam struggle. Chris blatantly stole it for his epic showdown with [[Mary Lee Walsh]], depicted in [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]].
*'''Nabehameha''': Obviously, a parody of the Kamehameha attack from ''Dragon Ball'', renamed for Nabeshin, who invented it and taught it to Pedro off-screen. While Chris had watched ''Dragon Ball Z'', it was undoubtedly the Nabehameha that gave him the bright idea to customize his own version of the Kamehameha and pretend it was original. Thus, the "Curseyehameha", which he later changed to "Shinyehameha". As Chris has diluted every other idea he stole from ''Excel Saga'', he does so again here, since he failed to utilize the part of the Nabehameha that was so awesome: the afro.
*'''Those things always have weak knees!''': Kabapu uses a giant robot to attack ACROSS mobile fortress. When the defending troops counterattack, this is the strategy they offer. The way the idea is discussed, weak knees in giant robots may be some cliche in giant robot anime lore, but in any case, Chris stole the line for his battle against the [[Count Graduon]]'s Golem in [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]].
*'''"[[Honest content|Honest-to-Goodness]]":''' Near the end of the episode, Excel fights Il Palazzo's inner demons that are the reason behind his sudden outburst of megalomaniac actions. After punching them out, they fall back and take full control of him, and when they do so, Il Palazzo says ''"Now, I'm the honest-to-goodness Il Palazzo!".'' Judging by the climactic delivery of this line, it is very likely it got burned into Chris's subconscious, to end up being used every time he claims to be TRUE and HONEST; an example is his [[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile|Wikipedia page]], which starts with "The One, The Only, from his Own ''Honest-to-God'' Words".

===Episode 26===
Sort of a bonus episode full of material [[Honest Content|too graphic for Japanese TV]]. Cosette Sara from Episode 8 returns as the newest member of ACROSS, who somehow causes Excel and Hyatt to switch bodies. After a lot of nudity and violence, Nabeshin kills the rest of the ACROSS Six and Hyatt floods the world in blood.

Influences on Chris: Chris was probably too busy fapping to anime noods to copy anything.

===''Puni Puni Poemy''===
'''''[[Wikipedia:Puni Puni Poemy|Puni Puni Poemy]]''''' is something of an ''Excel Saga'' spinoff, starring Nabeshin's daughter Poemi Watanabe as she struggles to become a voice actress while fighting aliens with the assistance of the seven Aasu Sisters. The show's relation to ''Excel Saga'' is tenuous, with only Nabeshin and Kumi Kumi present (though a news anchor bears a resemblance to Koshi Rikdo), and some reused background music from the series.

[[Image: GDW.jpg|thumb|200px|Unlike Chris, this man is a TRUE and HONEST great director.]]

Influences on Chris: Chris has more than once referred to himself as "Great Director Chandler", shamelessly ripping off Nabeshin's declaration that he is the "Great Director Watanabe."

{{collapsible
|Gallery of plagiarism
|
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Beforebreakfast.jpg|Compare this...
Image:Sonichustrip1.jpg|to ''this''
Image:Fqx.jpg|Chris would steal this logo, only without the searchlights, or the font, or anything else, really.
Image:graveyard.jpg|This is probably the only reason Chris considers the mall an ideal dating locale, instead of sitting in a cemetery all day.
Image:Coffeeshop.jpg|Actually, the coffee shop was [[Hanna]]'s idea, although Chris probably would have suggested it himself, based on this.
Image:Putitin4.jpg|Chris always picks option 3
Image:Stalkher.jpg|Option 1 is [[Megan|fine too]].
Image:Putitin2.jpg|Chris's SOP for how to interact with women.
Image:Red-string.jpg|"I have a NEW idea that I am sure will REEL in a girlfriend on a FATEFUL [[Red String of Fate|RED STRING]]."
Image:Nabeshin1.jpg|Character Chris identifies with.
Image:Sumiyoshi.jpg|Character Chris should identify with.
Image:Excel-julay.jpg|[[For Julies Eyes Only | For Il Palazzo's Eyes Only]]
Image:Pedro1.jpg|Compare this...
Image:RainbowChris.jpg|to ''this''
Image:scotpalazzo1.jpg|Better One?
Image:ilpalazzo.jpg|Or better Two?
Image:drool1.jpg|Typical reaction to reading ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''
Image: drool2.jpg|The Jerkop version
Image: Chris3days.jpg|Only three days...
Image: only3days.jpg|... since I skipped my last deadline.
Image: Title.JPG|The title is ''Excel Saga''!
Image: Title2.JPG|...or maybe it's ''Sonichu''... I can't remember.
Image: Hail.jpg|When you see it...
Image: Hailwrodents.jpg|...you'll have NUMBERS OF PAIRS OF [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS]].
Image: Bystanders.jpg|Even lazy shortcuts like this aren't original.
Image: Bystanders2.jpg|See?
Image: Pedro2.jpg|Pedro in Limbo
Image: Timevoid.jpg|Chris in the [[Time Void]]
Image: Bowling1.jpg|I'm not the same person I was just a moment ago...
Image: Saltier.jpg|I'm much, much saltier!
Image: Bowling.jpg|Chris defeats the bad guys with bowling power.
Image: Bowling2.jpg|And the original version.
Image: Rikdo-shit.jpg|Stereotypical depiction of a manga artist's room.
Image: More-rikdo-shit.jpg|Possible inspiration for Chris's interior decoration.
Image:0825-EP12-5P6-8.jpg|Compare to Chris's room.
Image:0821-EP12-5P6-5.jpg|The eerie similarities.
Image: Simonla-notes.jpg|Chris's useless character notes.
Image: Matsuya-notes.jpg|And their possible inspiration.
Image: BloodTear.jpg|The Passion of...
Image: Exceltear.jpg|...the Chris?
Image:SoneePuchuu.jpg|They're so cute!
File:Shock.PNG|SHOCK
</gallery>
</center>
}}

==Sources==
<references/>
==See also==
*[[Parody]]
*[[Anime]]
*[[Saga]]
==External links==
*[[Wikipedia:Excel Saga|''Excel Saga'']] on [[Wikipedia]]
[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]
[[Category:Television shows]]

Mia Hamm

2021-03-17T18:29:45Z

An alias:

{{Honest}}
{{taxpayermoney}}
{{quote|And those- Those memories build towards the true love. And honest- in the honest emotions that have to occur during that relationship. Because without the emo- because without the true love and honest emotions, it's just about as meaningless as sex with a prostitute.|Chris, back in [[2009]]}}
[[File:Mia 002.jpg|thumb|Mia Hamm after reading this article.]]

'''Mia Hamm''' (born approx. [[1980s|1987-1988]] or [[1990s|1991-1992]]) is the pseudonym of the woman [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] finally completed his [[Love Quest|Fuck Quest]] with, relieving him of his status as a [[virgin with rage]]. Named after the [[wikipedia:Mia Hamm|former soccer player of the same name]], she is a [[boyfriend-free girl|boyfriend-free hooker]] who advertised herself on Backpage.com - a site seized by the [[jerkops|feds]] in [[2018]] for sex trafficking ties.<ref>[http://web.archive.org/web/20120523054531/http://charlottesville.backpage.com/FemaleEscorts/ Confirmation of Backpage]</ref> Chris paid for an hour with her in [[April 2012]], which cost him [[Chris and money|$150]] of his [[Monthly tugboat|tugboat]], and later had sex with her again [[May 2012|the following month]]. He chose to have intercourse with her despite [[Chris and hypocrisy|his previous statements that he would not hire a prostitute because it would render the act of sex meaningless]]. His decision was motivated by a fear of going to jail for [[28 October 2011|an incident]] that took place in [[October 2011]], although [[Chris and the Law|prostitution is also illegal in Virginia]].

Details about Mia were revealed publicly in a [[Open_Relationship_E-mails#The_Hooker_Story|text document]] Chris sent Renee. The document was originally an email given to an unidentified individual who provided Chris with Mia's Backpage ad.

==Description==
[[Image:ChrisFirstTimeEnd.jpg|thumb|left|What probably happened.]]

Chris describes Mia as a black-haired, blue-eyed woman of 24, although her ad claimed she was 20. She has an "average" figure with C-cup breasts. Her personality is described as "nice, likeable, and down to earth." She has [[un-clit|piercings]] on her lip, tongue, and nipples. She is half-[[Cherokee]] as well, which Chris enjoyed. Mia has two [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|daughters]] to a man who abandoned her. Given her young age and the fact that Chris states that she had them "years ago," this could possibly mean that Mia was a teenage mother. The girls stay with their grandmother. Mia travels from town-to-town and is attempting to get an education to give herself and her daughters a better future, and told Chris that her escort service is just "a quick spot of cash for her." While working in Charlottesville, she serviced her clients at a [http://www.daysinn.com/hotels/virginia/charlottesville/days-inn-charlottesville-university-area/hotel-overview?hotel_id=10134&cid=whg_di_gglsem_br&wid=ps:br_whg&tel=18006821082&002=2188742&004=2113581259&005=15394730470&006=36511643659&007=Search&008=&025=c&026= Days Inn] hotel.

Mia appears to have since quit the escort business, as she took her ad down by May 27,<ref>http://web.archive.org/web/20120527155707/http://charlottesville.backpage.com/online/classifieds/AdNotFound?category=4443</ref> five days after her last known posting and no subsequent ads by her can be found. The title of her last ad read "Just arrived MIA Hamm¡¡¡¡§pec@ils all day & night - 20," and it included a picture. However, the ad itself is unfortunately irretrievable, so its contents are unknown.

==Chris's account of their meeting==
[[Image:Virginbreaker.png|thumb|Chris bragging about how he paid for sex.]]
{{quote|Oh, I forgot to mention, she Really Enjoyed my [[Duck|dick]]; it was soo big and good, that it put the last dude she was with to shame; Her Words.|Chris on [[Facebook]], unaware that hookers typically tell clients things they want to hear}}
After recieving Backpage ads of escorts from his unknown contact, Chris drove to the Days Inn located between [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Route_29_in_Virginia Route 29] and [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Route_250_in_Virginia Route 250] to have sex with one of them. Mia was not Chris' original choice and was actually the third escort he contacted. "Riley," the one he intended to have sex with, never responded his calls, and "Kristen," his next choice, was unavailable. Chris then decided to call Mia, who was able to see him and told Chris she could be found in room 338.

Upon entering her room at 4:30 PM, Chris could tell that Mia had been smoking [[Tobacky|weed]], and that made him uncomfortable. He calmed down, however, after smelling [[Chris and health#Hygiene|hand sanitizer]]. They [[Nudes|stripped]] for each other, and "communicated good throughout." At Mia's insistence, Chris wore a green-apple-flavored [[Chris_and_sex#Contraceptives|condom]]. She applied it to him with her mouth, and then began to give him a blowjob. Chris enjoyed it, and states that her tongue piercing added to the pleasure of the experience. Afterward, she laid beside Chris on the bed and they began feeling each other up. Chris described her [[china]] as feeling "really good," and he found her clitoris though Mia did not allow him to [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|finger her]]. They began making out (but no tongue), and then Chris gave her a massage that he also gives [[Barb]], which he claims she enjoyed. Then, Chris informed her that he was ready for [[hanky-panky]]. He "requested Cowgirl, with possible missionary later," though this did not happen.

{{quote|Her pelvic thrusts were amazing; her pussy was tight, even after pushing two daughters out of there years ago. And I supported her thrusts with my hands on her knees, weaving back and forth. I also gave her [[Plush Breasts|breasts]] a good thrusting. I felt her front pelvic bone, which really made the top of the game. She came and I came, but on my coming, it was only half-felt. And the [[semen]] that was mostly outside, but a smidge on the outside of the condom, confirmed it.|Chris describing his first time}}

Afterward, Chris washed his [[duck]] with a [[Mass debating|washcloth]] he had brought with him. They spent the rest of their time conversing, and Chris gave Mia a gift basket containing "three apples, lavender air-freshener, breath mints, a 4-gig flash drive with the track sets of the [[WTJU Marathon|1990 WTJU jazz marathon]], Teenage Dream and Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) album tracks, and a Hello Kitty Pez Dispenser."<ref>[[Gal Pal E-mails 3]]</ref> Mia told him a bit about her background, and Chris talked to her about the [[trolls]]. He also talked to her about ''[[Family Guy]]'' and ''[[South Park]]'' before her clock chimed, indicating that her next appointment was arriving. Chris promised that he would call her later, which he did at around 6:30. Mia had already finished with her next client, and told Chris that he was a disappointment to her. She said that the man's penis was smaller than Chris's and that it was a "wiener in a hallway" situation. Very soon after, Chris posted on [[Facebook]] that he was no longer a virgin. He taunted trolls with the fact that the only people who would ever know the full story would be himself, Mia (whose alias he did not mention), the person who put him in contact with her, and his future [[sweetheart]]. Apparently, [[Chris and reality|Chris sees no problem with telling a potential girlfriend that he had his first sexual encounter with a prostitute,]] [[Women's rights|and expects them to be completely okay with this]]. Chris saw her again the following month, though the details of their second encounter are unknown. Mia appears to have left the escort business very soon after her second meeting with Chris, meaning that he would have been one of her last clients. One can only speculate on whether having to sleep with a foul-smelling, overweight autistic manchild with a bent penis on a somewhat regular basis caused Mia to reevaluate her career choices.

===Fantasy vs. Reality===
Given [[List of Chris's lies|what we know]] [[Chris and reality|about Chris]], there is a strong possibility that this is not the [[TRUE and HONEST]] version of what happened. Chris paints himself as being unrealistically competent at sex for a virgin whose only prior knowledge of it comes from [[pornography]]. Additionally, Chris describes the incident as going off without a hitch, which is highly unlikely for a number of reasons, the most obvious of which is his horrifically bent [[duck]]. It is highly likely that Chris is omitting unflattering details or making up flattering ones to make himself look better. Chris's notion that Mia enjoyed the experience probably stems from the fact that prostitutes often pay their johns compliments, because it helps them make money to do so. Chris would probably be [[naïve]] enough to believe that she was being sincere, or he could just be telling himself that she was in order to serve his already massive [[Chris and his ego|ego]].

Indeed, in response to speculation about the event on the Chris discussion board [[Kiwi Farms]], Chris' former troll [[Alec Benson Leary]] wrote:

{{quote|Yeah... jesus people, let me ask (those of you who aren't virgins) a question: What was the least interesting time you had sex like? Chris's hookertime was a tenth as interesting as that. He lay down, the hooker got on top and rode him for a little bit, then Chris decided his life was better than it was a day previously. The end.|[[Alec Benson Leary]] on the [[Kiwi Farms]], July 30, 2014.<ref>[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/chris-convo-drop-julay-25-2014.4394/page-19#post-299574/ Alec Benson Leary on the Kiwi Farms]</ref>
}}

==See also==
* [[Hooker incident]] - Chris's first (and decidedly less pleasant) experience with hookers
* [[Chris and sex#Prostitution|Prostitution]]
* [[Kimmi]], [[Officer Nasty]], and [[Chris humps his PS3|his PS3]] - Chris's previous sex partners
* [[For Julie's Eyes Only]] - Chris's sex tape
* [[Carlos Chantor]] - Chris as the prostitute

{{References}}
{{Sweethearts}}
{{People}}
{{Love quest}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hamm, Mia}}
[[Category:Things Chris has had Sex with]]

Mia Hamm

2021-03-17T18:28:34Z

An alias: /* Chris's account of their meeting */

{{Honest}}
{{taxpayermoney}}
{{quote|And those- Those memories build towards the true love. And honest- in the honest emotions that have to occur during that relationship. Because without the emo- because without the true love and honest emotions, it's just about as meaningless as sex with a prostitute.|Chris, back in [[2009]]}}
[[File:Mia 002.jpg|thumb|Mia Hamm after reading this article.]]

'''Mia Hamm''' (born approx. [[1980s|1987-1988]] or [[1990s|1991-1992]]) is the pseudonym of the woman [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] finally completed his [[Love Quest|Fuck Quest]] with, relieving him of his status as a [[virgin with rage]]. Named after the [[wikipedia:Mia Hamm|former soccer player of the same name]], she is a [[boyfriend-free girl|boyfriend-free hooker]] who advertised herself on Backpage.com - a site seized by the [[jerkops|feds]] in [[2018]] for sex trafficking ties.<ref>[http://web.archive.org/web/20120523054531/http://charlottesville.backpage.com/FemaleEscorts/ Confirmation of Backpage]</ref> Chris paid for an hour with her in [[April 2012]], which cost him [[Chris and money|$150]] of his [[Monthly tugboat|tugboat]], and later had sex with her again [[May 2012|the following month]]. He chose to have intercourse with her despite [[Chris and hypocrisy|his previous statements that he would not hire a prostitute because it would render the act of sex meaningless]]. His decision was motivated by a fear of going to jail for [[28 October 2011|an incident]] that took place in [[October 2011]], although [[Chris and the Law|prostitution is also illegal in Virginia]].

Details about Mia were revealed publicly in a [[Open_Relationship_E-mails#The_Hooker_Story|text document]] Chris sent Renee. The document was originally an email given to an unidentified individual who provided Chris with Mia's Backpage ad.

==Description==
[[Image:ChrisFirstTimeEnd.jpg|thumb|left|What probably happened.]]

Chris describes Mia as a black-haired, blue-eyed woman of 24, although her ad claimed she was 20. She has an "average" figure with C-cup breasts. Her personality is described as "nice, likeable, and down to earth." She has [[un-clit|piercings]] on her lip, tongue, and nipples. She is half-[[Cherokee]] as well, which Chris enjoyed. Mia has two [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|daughters]] to a man who abandoned her. Given her young age and the fact that Chris states that she had them "years ago," this could possibly mean that Mia was a teenage mother. The girls stay with their grandmother. Mia travels from town-to-town and is attempting to get an education to give herself and her daughters a better future, and told Chris that her escort service is just "a quick spot of cash for her." While working in Charlottesville, she serviced her clients at a [http://www.daysinn.com/hotels/virginia/charlottesville/days-inn-charlottesville-university-area/hotel-overview?hotel_id=10134&cid=whg_di_gglsem_br&wid=ps:br_whg&tel=18006821082&002=2188742&004=2113581259&005=15394730470&006=36511643659&007=Search&008=&025=c&026= Days Inn] hotel.

Mia appears to have since quit the escort business, as she took her ad down by May 27,<ref>http://web.archive.org/web/20120527155707/http://charlottesville.backpage.com/online/classifieds/AdNotFound?category=4443</ref> five days after her last known posting and no subsequent ads by her can be found. The title of her last ad read "Just arrived MIA Hamm¡¡¡¡§pec@ils all day & night - 20," and it included a picture. However, the ad itself is unfortunately irretrievable, so its contents are unknown.

==Chris's account of their meeting==
[[Image:Virginbreaker.png|thumb|Chris bragging about how he paid for sex.]]
{{quote|Oh, I forgot to mention, she Really Enjoyed my [[Duck|dick]]; it was soo big and good, that it put the last dude she was with to shame; Her Words.|Chris on [[Facebook]], unaware that hookers typically tell clients things they want to hear}}
After recieving Backpage ads of escorts from his unknown contact, Chris drove to the Days Inn located between [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Route_29_in_Virginia Route 29] and [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Route_250_in_Virginia Route 250] to have sex with one of them. Mia was not Chris' original choice and was actually the third escort he contacted. "Riley," the one he intended to have sex with, never responded his calls, and "Kristen," his next choice, was unavailable. Chris then decided to call Mia, who was able to see him and told Chris she could be found in room 338.

Upon entering her room at 4:30 PM, Chris could tell that Mia had been smoking [[Tobacky|weed]], and that made him uncomfortable. He calmed down, however, after smelling [[Chris and health#Hygiene|hand sanitizer]]. They [[Nudes|stripped]] for each other, and "communicated good throughout." At Mia's insistence, Chris wore a green-apple-flavored [[Chris_and_sex#Contraceptives|condom]]. She applied it to him with her mouth, and then began to give him a blowjob. Chris enjoyed it, and states that her tongue piercing added to the pleasure of the experience. Afterward, she laid beside Chris on the bed and they began feeling each other up. Chris described her [[china]] as feeling "really good," and he found her clitoris though Mia did not allow him to [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|finger her]]. They began making out (but no tongue), and then Chris gave her a massage that he also gives [[Barb]], which he claims she enjoyed. Then, Chris informed her that he was ready for [[hanky-panky]]. He "requested Cowgirl, with possible missionary later," though this did not happen.

{{quote|Her pelvic thrusts were amazing; her pussy was tight, even after pushing two daughters out of there years ago. And I supported her thrusts with my hands on her knees, weaving back and forth. I also gave her [[Plush Breasts|breasts]] a good thrusting. I felt her front pelvic bone, which really made the top of the game. She came and I came, but on my coming, it was only half-felt. And the [[semen]] that was mostly outside, but a smidge on the outside of the condom, confirmed it.|Chris describing his first time}}

Afterward, Chris washed his [[duck]] with a [[Mass debating|washcloth]] he had brought with him. They spent the rest of their time conversing, and Chris gave Mia a gift basket containing "three apples, lavender air-freshener, breath mints, a 4-gig flash drive with the track sets of the [[1990 WTJU jazz marathon|WTJU Marathon]], Teenage Dream and Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) album tracks, and a Hello Kitty Pez Dispenser."<ref>[[Gal Pal E-mails 3]]</ref> Mia told him a bit about her background, and Chris talked to her about the [[trolls]]. He also talked to her about ''[[Family Guy]]'' and ''[[South Park]]'' before her clock chimed, indicating that her next appointment was arriving. Chris promised that he would call her later, which he did at around 6:30. Mia had already finished with her next client, and told Chris that he was a disappointment to her. She said that the man's penis was smaller than Chris's and that it was a "wiener in a hallway" situation. Very soon after, Chris posted on [[Facebook]] that he was no longer a virgin. He taunted trolls with the fact that the only people who would ever know the full story would be himself, Mia (whose alias he did not mention), the person who put him in contact with her, and his future [[sweetheart]]. Apparently, [[Chris and reality|Chris sees no problem with telling a potential girlfriend that he had his first sexual encounter with a prostitute,]] [[Women's rights|and expects them to be completely okay with this]]. Chris saw her again the following month, though the details of their second encounter are unknown. Mia appears to have left the escort business very soon after her second meeting with Chris, meaning that he would have been one of her last clients. One can only speculate on whether having to sleep with a foul-smelling, overweight autistic manchild with a bent penis on a somewhat regular basis caused Mia to reevaluate her career choices.

===Fantasy vs. Reality===
Given [[List of Chris's lies|what we know]] [[Chris and reality|about Chris]], there is a strong possibility that this is not the [[TRUE and HONEST]] version of what happened. Chris paints himself as being unrealistically competent at sex for a virgin whose only prior knowledge of it comes from [[pornography]]. Additionally, Chris describes the incident as going off without a hitch, which is highly unlikely for a number of reasons, the most obvious of which is his horrifically bent [[duck]]. It is highly likely that Chris is omitting unflattering details or making up flattering ones to make himself look better. Chris's notion that Mia enjoyed the experience probably stems from the fact that prostitutes often pay their johns compliments, because it helps them make money to do so. Chris would probably be [[naïve]] enough to believe that she was being sincere, or he could just be telling himself that she was in order to serve his already massive [[Chris and his ego|ego]].

Indeed, in response to speculation about the event on the Chris discussion board [[Kiwi Farms]], Chris' former troll [[Alec Benson Leary]] wrote:

{{quote|Yeah... jesus people, let me ask (those of you who aren't virgins) a question: What was the least interesting time you had sex like? Chris's hookertime was a tenth as interesting as that. He lay down, the hooker got on top and rode him for a little bit, then Chris decided his life was better than it was a day previously. The end.|[[Alec Benson Leary]] on the [[Kiwi Farms]], July 30, 2014.<ref>[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/chris-convo-drop-julay-25-2014.4394/page-19#post-299574/ Alec Benson Leary on the Kiwi Farms]</ref>
}}

==See also==
* [[Hooker incident]] - Chris's first (and decidedly less pleasant) experience with hookers
* [[Chris and sex#Prostitution|Prostitution]]
* [[Kimmi]], [[Officer Nasty]], and [[Chris humps his PS3|his PS3]] - Chris's previous sex partners
* [[For Julie's Eyes Only]] - Chris's sex tape
* [[Carlos Chantor]] - Chris as the prostitute

{{References}}
{{Sweethearts}}
{{People}}
{{Love quest}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Hamm, Mia}}
[[Category:Things Chris has had Sex with]]

BlueSpike

2020-11-14T20:46:44Z

An alias: /* Julie */

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{quote|I can tell in my heart Julie IS 19.|Chris on Julie.<ref>[[Mumble 10]]</ref>}}

{{infobox
| title = BlueSpike
| image = [[Image:Gilded.jpg|200px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = [[Calling Out "Julaaaay" - David|"David"]]
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 = BlueSpike LeonSpike Julie Milvana JULAAAY Max Milvana
|label3 = Born
|data3 = 12 October 1996 (age {{Age|1996|10|12}})<ref name="kiwi">[https://kiwifarms.net/members/bluespike.24172/ Bluespike's Kiwi Farms account]</ref>
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = <s>Female</s> Male
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = [[Troll]]
}}

Most 13-year-old boys only dream of getting to watch an [[autistic]] [[Chris|manchild]] shove pieces of [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|CRAYOLA FUCKIN' MODEL MAGIC]] up his ass. '''BlueSpike''' (AKA '''LeonSpike''', "a 13 year old brat" with [[Asperger syndrome]] according to Chris) got to live that dream, when he [[troll]]ed Chris through two feigned identities: a [[sweetheart]] named '''Julie''' (aka '''JULAAAY''') and her evil brother '''Max'''. Most of the trolling involved BlueSpike having phone sex with Chris for hours each night, listening to Chris [[Mass debating|masturbating]].<ref>[[CWC Cums for a Cat]]</ref><ref>[[Bob walks in]]</ref> As BlueSpike was in complete control of Chris, he could have done more sinister things, but night after night he engaged in nothing but noisy, fabricated (on Blue's end) phone sex and listening to Chris very loudly going on dates with Rosie Palms. Draw your own conclusions about BlueSpike's sexuality. One such session did eventuate in the legendary interruption by the [[Internet lumberjack]].

BlueSpike's treatment of Chris is considered to be sadistic, even bordering on outright emotional abuse [[Julie Reveals Herself|during the Mumble call where he revealed himself as Julie]]. His harsh treatment of Chris was unparalleled by any of Chris's past [[trolls]], and would not be matched again until the [[Idea Guys]] got hold nearly a decade later. BlueSpike's trolling caused Chris to admit to Julie that he had tried a [[dildo]] and [[sex toys|anal beads]], produced the infamous [[sex tape]] where he fucks [[Kimmi]], a description of a future scene from [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]] alluding to his [[Gay 4 Sonichu|gay fans]], how Chris hates everything that's not Aryan, his [[Bob Walks In|father walking in]] to him [[mass debating]], and other sick shit. He is also indirectly responsible for the "JULAAAAAAAAYYY!" meme, so he is partially to blame for all the [[weens]] who still find it amusing.

==Julie==
{{quote|JULAAAAAAY, JULAAAAAAY!!!!|Chris [[For Julie's Eyes Only|professes his undying love while screwing]] [[Kimmi|a doll]].}}

[[File:ChrisandJulieLBP.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Chris and Julie, together in [[LittleBigPlanet]]. The salad days.]]
[[Image:LetterfromJulie(2of2).jpg|thumb|left|100px|What Chris believed Julie looked like.]]

'''Julie Milvana'''<ref>[[BlueSpike Skype Logs 5]]</ref> (born 13 July 1989<ref>[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 4]]</ref>) was a [[Molvanîa]]n Methodist<ref>[[Mumble 8]]</ref> ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'' fan who became Chris's sweetheart after [[PandaHalo]]. Her kidnap by her evil brother Max led to Chris's ill-fated [[Ohio trip|rescue mission]] to Cleveland. "Julie" first appeared in IRC in December [[2008]], suggesting the infamous [[Tour of Chris's House]] video.<ref>[[IRC (15 December 2008)]]</ref> She later posed a ton of ''Sonichu'' questions submitted by fans<ref>[[IRC (28 December 2008)]]</ref> and was invited to [[Sonichu Girls]].

As early as 3 [[January 2009]], she asked Chris what he would do if a [[JERK]] kidnapped his [[heartsweet]]--he said, ''"I would learn his demands if any, or if he hurt her, I'd strike the jerk back."'' Julie also got excited by the prospect of an orgy with Chris and the Sonichu Girls.<ref>[[IRC (03 January 2009)]]</ref> The next day, it was revealed that Chris had promised his virginity to both Panda and Julie, and both ladies were furious, with Julie threatening to kill herself.<ref>[[IRC (04 January 2009)]]</ref> Later she calmed down and moved to Ohio to live with relatives. Ever classy, Chris suggested a threesome with PandaHalo.<ref>[[BlueSpike Skype Logs]]</ref> Chris refused to drive to Ohio, instead insisting that Julie come to him. He also couldn't be bothered to attack Clyde in IRC, even when he threatened Julie.<ref>[[BlueSpike Skype Logs 2]]</ref>

[[Image:Nnocac.jpg|thumb|150px|Receipts from Chris's epic journey to Cleveland. Note that he asked for no [[pickle]]s on the mayo hamburger, and that the place he at was a [[Sonic]] Drive-In.]]
Chris's loyalty to Julie would be proven on 26 February 2009, when Max, her evil, mysterious brother, kidnapped her and held her against her will. In response, Chris valiantly [[Ohio trip|travelled to Ohio]] in a bid to rescue her and got his parents all worried. (His ancestors' spirits had wished him "a Safe Trip to Ohio" two days prior at [[Aunt Corrina]]'s funeral.)<ref>[[Jackie Chat 7]]</ref> Unfortunately, because Chris got the "wrong" address, he ended up at a run-down house in the ghetto that was inhabited by an elderly [[Niggos|black]] woman.<ref>[[BlueSpike Skype Logs 13]]</ref>

When Chris chose [[Sarah May]] over her, Julie was crushed. Chris apologized, and then abruptly [[Autism|went back to talking about vidya]].<ref name="a">[[BlueSpike Skype Logs 4]]</ref> Clyde Cash made more serious threats against Julie, forcing Chris to upload a famous [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|5 February 2009 video]] admitting that he was gay.<ref name="a" /> Once Chris got it into his head that PandaHalo had burned to death in a wildfire, he began to focus even more on Julie as a sweetheart.

Chris received a [[:File:LetterfromJulie(1of2).jpg|letter]] written by Julie, the first physical [[:File:LetterfromJulie(2of2).jpg|proof]] of her "existence". In it, it details the love professed by her to Chris. That Valentine's Day, Chris uploaded [[LittleBigPlanet|a ''LBP'' level]], and Chris and Julie brought their relationship to the next level with cybersex. [[Bob Chandler]] [[Bob Walks In|walked in]], and the rest is history. [[Borb|Chris's parents]] didn't believe that Julie was TRUE and HONEST.<ref>[[Bob Walks In Aftermath]]</ref>

In an [[For Julie's Eyes Only|infamous video]] on 20 [[February 2009]], Chris created a sex video for Julie with the help of his inflatable assistant Kimmi, in order to give Julie an idea of what their first time together would be like. Chris's tender and passionate cries of "JULAAAAAAAY!" would prove one of the most striking and memorable of CWC-isms; to this date, many erroneously believe that Kimmi ''is'' Julie. This is not so; Chris may be the most desperate man alive, but he's not quite got to the point where he's convinced himself any of his sex dolls are real.

{{clear}}

==Julie Reveals Herself==
{{Main|Julie Reveals Herself}}

On 3 [[March 2009]], Max gained control of Chris's PlayStation Network account, and during an hour-long audio session threatened to sell the PSN account and forbid Julie from seeing Chris. Chris was coerced into declaring [[BILLY MAYS]] to be the mayor of CWCville and shoving the pieces of his destroyed [[Sonichu medallion]] up his anal cavity, before he was able to talk to Julie, at which point Julie admits that both she and Max were the figments of BlueSpike's imagination. At no point did BlueSpike even mention the sex tape (which had already gotten nearly 2 million hits on SlutLoad). BlueSpike's female voice is an unconvincing falsetto, which makes it all the more hilarious (or [[duress]]ful, depending on who you talk to) that it worked so well on Chris. This incident shattered both his [[heart level]] and his anus to 0%.

<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Julie Reveals Herself
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|1xo3SAwefBM}}
| Stardate = 3 [[March 2009]]
| Featuring = [[Chris]], [[BlueSpike]], [[Clyde]]
| Saga = {{Julie|text}}
}} </center>

{{-}}

===Reaction===
[[Image:Advicespikemedallion.png|thumb|right|Kids say the darndest things.]]

On 5 [[March 2009]], an all-out civil war broke out between trolls on the Chris-chan [[ED]] discussion page on whether BlueSpike had gone too far, whether he was a hypocrite, or if he was merely a tool initiated by Clyde Cash to ruse Chris into the further milking of [[lulz]]. Suffice to say, a combination of outrage and troll remorse turned the whole event into a clusterfuck.

{{quote|If BlueSpike really is 13 years old, then we know who the real child molesters are. [...] "hey! be one of the cool kids, help this autistic guy jack off, pretend to be a girl so we can video tape and record it..." . Thats the REAL reason you were shiting it and called for a 30 minute silence just after, Clyde. At least you had the balls to say that it was you responsible [...] If Bluespike really is 13, then you groomed a child to perform sex acts on a mentally retarded man for your pleasure. You're fucked, son. You both broke a lolcow, but theres better sport now, ruining your lives. And dont act like you dont care, I saw you shiting yourself all that night and the next, sending waves of members out to kill threads about it or put in false names, just like Your sock earlier in the page. Ready to have a seat of there?|Wit, ED user<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20100919165747/http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Talk:Chris-chan/Archive14</ref>}}

Even as [[Julie Reveals Herself]] was being recorded, other trolls can be heard remarking that it was "horrible" and demanding BlueSpike to stop.

===Impact on Chris===
While one might think that this level of physical and mental abuse would leave lasting scars, BlueSpike's trolling had virtually '''no''' evident long-term impact on Chris. Just a few weeks after Julie revealed her true identity, Chris had moved onto thinking he'd found another [[Ivy|sweetheart]] online, and just a few weeks after that he had no trouble believing that he was having virtual sex with a [[Vanessa Hudgens|famous Disney Channel celebrity]]. The main effect it had was that although Chris made a new Sonichu medallion, he stopped wearing it until 1 [[July 2009]].

Chris came to believe that BlueSpike was killed at the hands of [[Clyde Cash]], from an offhand comment by Cash in [[Mumble 12]]. On [[Chris chan (CWCipedia)|his version of the ED page]], Chris stated that "That little S.O.B. later died at the hands of the "[[Transformers|Starscream]]" Troll, Clyde Cash." Of course, this statement was later [[Car Pranks|revealed to be a complete and utter falsehood ]]. Nonetheless, even eight years after the events of 23 August 2011, Chris still believes that BlueSpike is dead.<ref>[https://sonichu.com/cwcki/File:EpicOnlineBully.jpeg Chris creates a trading card mentioning 'the late BlueSpike', 22 September 2019]</ref>

=="Called out"==
On 23 [[August 2011]], [[Calling Out "Julaaaay" - David|Chris claimed]] to know BlueSpike's real identity (first name '''David''') and threatened to drop dox on him unless he made an apology video by 15 [[September 2011]]. In the video, BlueSpike was to tell people to stop calling Chris "[[Ian Brandon Anderson]]" and yelling "JULAAAAAAAAYYY!" in [[prank calls]]. Although BlueSpike did not respond to Chris' demands, the death of Bob 2 weeks later caused Chris to leave the Internet before he could reveal BlueSpike's personal information, and he ultimately lost interest in exposing his tormentor.

<center><gallery>
File:JULAYYYYYYYY.PNG|The supposed image of BlueSpike.
File:Davidharlow.jpg|An unrelated image of David Harlow.
</gallery></center>

Even if Chris did make a video about who BlueSpike really was, it would have been for naught. The personal information Chris had actually belonged to David Harlow, a lolcow also known as [https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Nesshelper Nesshelper]. This is evidenced by Nesshelper and BlueSpike apparently sharing the same first name, the "real" photo of BlueSpike being a closeup of [https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Nesshelper#/media/File:Davidharlow.jpg this picture of Nesshelper], and Chris' claim of BlueSpike liking big rooms, which references a [http://vimeo.com/21478293 video rant] where Nesshelper complained about the size of a hotel room he was staying in. Aside from not being a troll and having no reason nor motivation to go after Chris, the fact that Nesshelper sounds nothing like BlueSpike in his videos makes it clear they are not the same person. Furthermore, Nesshelper was born on 9 July, 1985<ref>http://nintendodojo.com/profile.aspx?id=12501</ref> and therefore would have been 23 years old during the Julie saga.

Chris was presumably given false information to highlight his [[autism|gullibility]] and possibly set up a feud between him and Nesshelper, similar to how [[Ahuviya Rotem Harel]] and [[Christopher Paul Whitney]] made negative remarks about Chris after he accused them of being [[Jack Thaddeus]] and [[Alec Benson Leary]] respectively. Of course, the aforementioned death of Bob prevented a conflict between the 2 from occurring; regardless, it's likely Nesshelper wasn't even aware of Chris's misguided attempt to dox him out.

==Today==
[[File:EpicOnlineBully.jpeg|thumb|Chris' "Epic Online Bully" card, based on Julie/Max]]
BlueSpike is easily one of the most polarizing trolls in Christory, competing with the [[Idea Guys]]. Most trolls tend to frown on BlueSpike and his methods, as they echo those of [[weens]], [[enablers]], and [[A-Log]]s. Nevertheless, some weens still yearn to return to the sadistic days of BlueSpike, in hopes of an age of trolling where physical pain is inflicted upon Chris. Since 2009, BlueSpike has come of age and matured; he now has a profile on [[Kiwi Farms]],<ref name="kiwi">[https://kiwifarms.net/members/bluespike.24172/ Bluespike's Kiwi Farms account]</ref> which has been given the "Christorical Figure" verification by forum moderators. When asked to reflect upon his time trolling Chris, he wrote:<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/random-thoughts-questions.49854/page-869#post-3350028</ref>

{{quotebox|There's been tons of things in my life I've regretted and hated doing later on, all of the stuff from 10 years ago was one of them. I've moved past everything that happened those many years ago and obviously I'm a different person now. It wasn't funny and was a very a-log thing to do. Nothing much else I can say.}}

On August 28, 2017, BlueSpike responded to a question on his Kiwi Farms<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/members/bluespike.24172/?page=2#profile-post-89931</ref> account asking if given the opportunity he would "do it all again". He responded:

{{quotebox|Probably not, if I would I'd try to do something more similar to Liquid Chris (not trying to ruin his life and just have fun with him)}}

Even with the passing of the [[Idea Guys]] and [[Jacob Sockness]], BlueSpike remains to be Chris's least favorite troll.<ref>[[Discord_Q%26A_8#Least_Favorite_Troll|Discord Q&A 8]]</ref>

==See also==
{{Fan art}}
*[[BlueSpike PSN Chats]]
*[[Bob Walks In]]
*[[Chris Comes Out of the Closet]]
*[[CWC Cums for a Cat]]
*[[For Julie's Eyes Only]]
*[[Julie Reveals Herself]]
*[[Idea Guys]]

== Sources ==
<references/>

{{Trolls}}
{{Sagas}}
{{Love quest}}

[[Category:Sweethearts]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Julie Saga]]

Excel Saga

2020-11-14T18:18:53Z

An alias: /* Episode 4 */

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{quote|[[Anime]] Review: Excel on Excel Saga
 
Excel Saga is a [[Random-access humor|wacky]] anime with [[parody|parodies]], an [[Boyfriend-free girl|energetic girl]], Excel, the ideological commander of ACROSS, [[ScotPalazzo‎|Il Palazzo]], a wandering soul, [[Niggos|Pedro]], and many other characters. The story is that it is a [[saga]] where Excel must suffer numerous hard adventures to realize ACROSS’ plan of conquest over a [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|corrupted]] world.
 
Excel Saga has a total of 26 episodes on a set of 6 [[Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :)|DVD]]s. If I had to pick a favorite episode, I’d pick episode 17 where Excel travels to [[United States of America|America]] where she describes the differences between [[Anime]] and [[The Adventures of The American Rabbit|American Animation]]. She also does an excellent [[parody]] to the classic Anime, [[Sailor Moon]], in this episode.|--Review by Chris<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville//SchusNews3.htm</ref>}}

[[Image:CWCMonica.jpg|thumb|300px|Chris meets [[Wikipedia:Monica Rial|Monica Rial]], who played [[Wikipedia:List of Excel Saga characters#Hyatt|Hyatt]] in the [[Chris and English|English]] dub of ''Excel Saga''. This is also perhaps the only time Chris has touched an attractive woman without her being immediately repulsed. What a brave, brave woman.]]

While the [[Things Chris has ripped off|plagiarism]] in [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] is obvious to just about anyone, there are even deeper, more subtle layers of unoriginality in Chris's masterwork. Truly, if Sonichu is the bastard [[homos|gay]] love-child of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Pokémon|Pikachu]], then Excel is surely his surrogate mother. For while the characters in ''Sonichu'' are mostly fusions of [[Sonic]] characters and ''[[Pokémon]]'' characters, Chris draws a lot of his "[[Random-access humor|humor]]" from '''''Excel Saga''''' (エクセル・サーガ, ''Ekuseru Sāga''), along with various other miscellaneous ideas that wound up in the comics.

Additionally, ''Excel Saga'' has left something of a cultural impression upon Chris's personal life as well. The purpose of this article is to list as many of these influences as possible, and to provide the original context for those unfamiliar with the anime. Due to the relative obscurity of ''Excel Saga'', and the complexity of Chris's plagiarism of it, this article will also provide some additional background on the series.
{{TOC limit|2}}

==Introduction==
[[Image:Excel-Saga.jpg|thumb|''Excel Saga'' (note Lord Il Palazzo in background and Menchi (the dog), a plushie Chris owns)]]

The genesis of the [[anime]] lay in [[Wikipedia:Kōshi Rikudō|Kōshi Rikudō]]'s fan comic, ''[[Wikipedia:Municipal Force Daitenzin|Municipal Force Daitenzin]]'', which was an adult-themed parody of the ''sentai'' genre (read: ''[[Power Rangers]]''). By [[1990s#1996|1996]] he had retooled the concept to focus on Excel, one of the characters in the original fan comic, and the first ''Excel Saga'' comics saw print in Japan. Fun fact: Rikdo dabbled in some [[Sonic]] fancomics as well, and he hit the big time at the age of 26, making him everything Chris has ever dreamed of being professionally, whether Chris is aware of it or not.

The manga tells the story of two factions struggling for control of the city of [[Wikipedia:Fukuoka|Fukuoka]], Japan. One, ACROSS, is led by the ruthless but myopic Lord Il Palazzo, who seeks to conquer the city as a stepping stone to world domination under his own high-minded ideals. His organization consists of only a handful of young women, who seem only vaguely aware of his intentions. The title character, Excel, is the first of these agents, later joined by Hyatt, and even later, Elgala. The second faction is the Department of City Security, headed by the civic-minded but manipulative Dr. Kabapu, a powerful government official. Over the course of the series, he recruits a number of people to work for his department, then slowly compels them to perform increasingly bizarre tasks in the name of civil defense. Though Kabapu and Il Palazzo share some mysterious history, the rest of their respective groups remain unaware of each other for much of the series. Against this backdrop, Rikdo weaves a satire of life in Japan during [[Wikipedia:Lost Decade (Japan)|the recession of the 1990s]].

Soon after the manga began publication, Rikdo was approached about an [[anime]] adaptation. He agreed, on the condition that the anime's storyline differ from his own, as the manga's plot was still unfolding. Further, much of the cynical, sometimes controversial humor in the comics was unsuitable for Japanese television, and so the anime's director, Shinichi Watanabe, had to come up with additional material to fill out the show. Among these contributions were a new character Pedro, an [[Heather Iglesias|immigrant worker]], the Great Will of the Macrocosm, a cosmic entity capable of reshaping continuity, and Nabeshin, the director's over-the-top alter ego. To explain this flagrant disregard for the source material, one of the running gags of the anime is an ongoing struggle between Rikdo and Nabeshin for control over the creative direction of the series, with Rikdo using a comically oversized rubber stamp to approve the use of his characters to lampoon various anime genres.

==The series and Chris==

[[File:Modnation ExcelExcel.jpg|thumb|Excel in ''[[ModNation Racers]]'']]

The series was then adapted for release in North America by [[Wikipedia:A.D. Vision|A.D. Vision]] in [[2002]], and would eventually end up in the DVD player of a certain [[autism|autistic]] manchild we all know. The [[Chris and English|English]] dub adds yet another layer to the series, which parodies other anime series as it partially adapts a manga that itself parodies even more anime. To better help American audiences get the references, ADV included optional pop-up notes in the DVDs so that a befuddled viewer could learn just what the hell Excel was imitating or why such-and-such dialogue was supposed to be a pun in Japanese. In other words, 99.99999999996% of the humor in ''Excel Saga'' was almost certainly over Chris's head, and so when he speaks of the series as being funny, he's probably just repeating what it says on the back of the DVD case, or referring to slapstick humor like Excel falling down a hole. That Chris would dare to steal material from this series has three side-effects:

1) Chris doesn't actually understand what he's stealing. At least when he ripped off [[Pikachu]], he knew how to do it. Cute yellow thing shoots lightning. Simple. From there, Chris would go on to draw its [[pickle|penis]], but the basic gist of Pikachu was properly stolen. When Chris rips off a joke from ''Excel Saga'', however, he robs the gag of all context, resulting in an awkward line of dialogue that's unoriginal ''and'' unfunny.

2) Chris is ripping off anime he hasn't even seen. For example, since Chris actually had watched ''[[Dragon Ball Z]]'', it's difficult to say for certain if the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] was lifted directly from ''DBZ'', or the episode of ''Excel Saga'' that parodied it. The vast majority of anime titles mocked or referenced by ''Excel Saga'', however, Chris has probably never even heard of, so when he steals that material, he doesn't realize it was already borrowed the first time.

3) For once, it isn't immediately obvious when Chris is ripping something off. Since ''Excel'' isn't nearly as well-known as [[Sonic]] or Pikachu, Chris can actually sort of get away with lifting ideas from it.

==Episode guide to ''Excel Saga'', with influences on Chris==
===Episode 1===
[[Image:405-ExcelV1.jpg|thumb|Chris's autographed copy of volume 1 of ''Excel Saga''.]]
Excel is assigned to assassinate manga artist Koshi Rikdo, who created the ''Excel Saga'' comics on which the anime is based. After the Will of the Macrocosm restarts the story several times, Excel gets a part-time job directing traffic for a construction site. There, she meets immigrant worker Pedro, who gets killed as a result of Excel's hyperactive negligence.

Influences on Chris:

*'''FQX as a replacement for the FOX network:''' An FQX searchlight logo is used at the end of each episode as Excel promotes the next one. Chris would use "FQX News" as the home network of Greta Squall when he ripped off the Spring Break bit from ''[[Family Guy]]'' in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]].
*'''"Only three days since I skipped my last deadline":''' Sung aloud by Koshi Rikdo as he blithely draws his comics in his home, unaware that Excel is preparing to murder him. Chris would repeat this line for no good reason in "Off Target", featured in [[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu'' #4]].
*'''"PEDRO IS SHOCKED!":''' One of the many running gags throughout ''Excel Saga''. When a character is shocked they will scream out "SHOCK!" This is usually done by Pedro, but Nabeshin and Sandora have also said this. "SHOCK" has been used many times throughout the Sonichu comics, and this is most likely the inspiration.
*'''"I could do all this before breakfast, but I had lunch a couple of hours ago":''' Said by Pedro when Excel motivates him to work harder at the construction site. Even the characters acknowledge that's a dumb wordplay gag native to Japan. It's less of a joke than a sign that Pedro is settling into his host country. Nevertheless, Chris uses it in his "classic" Sonichu strip from January 13, [[2004]], featured in [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]].
*'''Il Palazzo:''' Excel's leader, whose vast ambitions are undermined by his myopic strategies. For example, Il Palazzo seeks to unite the entire world through conquest, yet seeks only the takeover of the city he lives in, since it poses a lesser risk. When he calls for a purge of comic books from his New Order, he sends Excel out to kill a single cartoonist (Koshi Rikdo), an empty gesture at best. Chris attempted to demonize the manager of the Fashion Square Mall by recreating him as "[[ScotPalazzo]]", but this is ineffective, as Il Palazzo is less a villain than a mere [[parody]] of one. This would be equivalent to combining Scot from [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]] with [[Wikipedia:Colonel Klink|Colonel Klink]] from ''[[Wikipedia:Hogan's Heroes|Hogan's Heroes]]'' or Dark Helmet from the movie ''[[Wikipedia:Spaceballs|Spaceballs]]''.
*'''Nabeshin:''' Self-insertion of series director Wata'''nabe Shin'''ichi. His appearance in his own anime is intended to be a parody of other directors who insert themselves in their own animes, and so he appears as a colorful man of action and mystery, often portrayed as more important and critical to the plot than the characters adapted from the original manga. In general, Chris probably draws justification for his own self-insertion into ''Sonichu'' because Shinichi did it first, ignoring the fact that the Nabeshin character manages to be ironic and badass at the same time. Shinabe, the martial arts master who raised [[Punchy Sonichu]], resembled Nabeshin in appearance and name.
*'''Excel:''' Hyperactive protagonist. Fanatically devoted to Il Palazzo's contradictory ideals, Excel blathers on endlessly throughout the series, with mixed comedic results. While the character "[[Mypoe]]" is named for ''[[Wikipedia:Puni Puni Poemy|Puni Puni Poemy]]'', another anime Shinichi Watanabe directed, she looks much more like Excel than anything else.
*'''Menchi:''' A small, white dog. In many ways, the mascot of the show. Chris owns a plushie of Menchi, which can be seen in the background of many of his videos. He also created "Menchi-Nasu High School" in his "[[The High School Story]]."

===Episode 2===
Sci-fi parody. Nabeshin senses his old master, the Space Butler, has been abducted by the Martian Puuchus, en route to invade the Earth. Excel destroys the Martian battleship in a manic fit, and the Martian's "Princess"--Hyatt--ends up in ACROSS headquarters, where Il Palazzo assumes her to be a new recruit.

Influences on Chris:

*'''Explaining the story''': After the opening credits Excel apologizes that the story from the first episode makes no sense at all. So she then tells us what the story is about, a few of the characters, and the setting as well. Being that Sonichu's story also makes no sense at all Chris would copy this in [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]].
*'''Puuchu''': If backed into a rhetorical corner, Chris would probably argue that his own blatant usage of [[Pikachu]] is legitimized by ''Excel Saga''<nowiki>'</nowiki>s Puuchus, cuddly yellow creatures clearly indented to resemble the popular ''Pokémon'' character. The difference, of course, being that Puuchus offer a [[Parody|humorous twist]] on Pikachu, in that not only their cuteness belies their hostile nature, but they also put a definitely not cute face on when hurt or serious.
** In addition, [[Sonees and Roseys]] certainly resemble Puchuus more than, say, Pichus.
===Episode 3===
[[Wikipedia:B movie|B movie]] action film parody. Il Palazzo tasks Hyatt with finding Excel, who was captured by mercenaries in the previous episode. Instead, Excel is rescued by Nabeshin, who infiltrates the mercenary camp to save his beloved Tetsuko. Nabeshin blows up a bunch of shit and Excel returns to Japan, where she meets the sickly Hyatt, who has barely even begun her first mission.
*'''Director as the main character''': While Nabeshin had been aggressively inserted into the story before, the action movie format necessitated him in a bigger role, and here he pretty much moves the entire storyline forward. Much of this episode, from Nabeshin's fruitless quest to save his love, to Nabeshin's impossible victory over an entire army, would be reflected in the [[Sub-Episodes]].
*'''Prolonged speeches''': This is a staple in ''Excel Saga'', but it's worth noting here because this is the first time Il Palazzo really gets to preach on about what's wrong with the world. Similarly, most of Excel's dialogue in the anime comes in the form of rapid-fire babbling, which she does a lot of here, since she's in mortal danger for most of the episode. Chris may have interpreted this to mean that long-winded speeches are funny in general, regardless of topic or context. Thus ''Excel Saga'' may have inspired all those walls of text Chris writes into his stories, especially the ones where he lectures the villains for daring to oppose him. It should be noted, however, that while Excel and Il Palazzo are no less chatty in the ''Excel Saga'' manga, the author is much more conservative about writing every single friggin' word they say, since the gag wouldn't work as well in print.
*'''Bumping into each other''': Throughout the episode Excel's side of the story is being told is shown in wide screen, while Hyatt's has been shown in a normal screen. Near the end of the episode Hyatt begins her mission to locate Excel. We then see Excel, which Menchi strapped to her chest, skipping happily down the street; overzealous with the joy of escaping. We then see Hyatt, walking down the street rather slowly, contemplating on where she should begin her mission. It switches between Excel and Hyatt a few more times; until the two happen to meet with Excel's side of the screen still in wide screen, and Hyatt's in full. [[Rosechu]] and [[Amy Rose]] would copy this in the epilogue of [[Sonichu 6]], resulting in something that just doesn't make sense. Also, if we consider that Rosechu was in wide screen mode, that means that she answers only to the all mighty ScotPalazzo.

===Episode 4===
Romantic comedy parody. The girls' next door neighbor, Toru Watanabe (not to be confused with Nabeshin) asks Hyatt out on a date, but the matter is soon complicated to the point of absurdity by the antics of their respective roommates.

*'''[[Dating education|Dating game]] simulators''': This episode uses the concept brilliantly, depicting a real-life date between Hyatt and Watanabe, parallel to Lord Il Palazzo, who plays a [[video game]] featuring Hyatt as the girl he's trying to win. The idea of the game is to respond to romantic situations with one of three options. Throughout this episode, option 3 is often simply [[Sex|"Put it in"]]. As these dating simulator games never caught on in the United States, it's highly likely that this episode was what gave Chris the big idea to use ''[[Sprung]]'' to further his "[[Dating Education]]". This is further evidence that nearly all of the jokes in ''Excel Saga'' are way over Chris's head. The whole point of this episode is that these games are childish and unrealistic, and Chris simply assumes the writers are trying to give him tips on how to score.
[[Image: Pedro3.jpg|thumb|200px|Pedro, upon viewing the [[For Julie's Eyes Only|Chris-Chan Sex Tape]]]]
*'''Doll humping''': Excel rolls around on the floor with a life-size wooden figure dressed up to resemble Il Palazzo. Again, this is an example of Chris's warped behavior which might be attributed to him watching this show and thinking it's somehow acceptable in real life.
*'''Simple white background characters''': These nondescript bystanders appear during Hyatt's date with Watanabe, a parody of ''[[Wikipedia:Di Gi Charat|Di Gi Charat]]''. Naturally, Chris took their use as implicit permission to slack off in his own drawings of large crowds. You can spot this in almost any issue of ''Sonichu''.
*'''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''': Before there was [[Star Wars|Darth Vader]], there was Pedro. After dying in the first episode, Pedro's ghost endures a series of emotional trials throughout the series, as his wife immediately forgets about him and finds a new man (something Chris himself would later do when after a day he forgot about [[PandaHalo]] and moved on to [[Julie]]). Forced to watch the charming Gomez take over his family, Pedro can only watch in tears and scream his beloved catchphrase, which Chris would later repeat in [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]].

===Episode 5===
Drama about social issues. Excel and Hyatt infiltrate a government building to undermine the highest ranking city officials. Concurrently, Watanabe and his roommates, Iwata and Sumiyoshi, get jobs as civil servants working for the Department of City Security, a pet project run by the mysterious and influential Dr. Kabapu.
*'''[[Red String of Fate]]:''' When Watanabe whines about having to work alongside his odious roommates, Iwata suggests they're bound by the red string of fate. Watanabe angrily retorts that the Red String is only supposed to be for destined lovers, not just any two people. Watanabe then meets Hyatt, posing as a refreshments vendor, and decides that the Red String of Fate binds the two of them. This could be where Chris first learned of the concept, since it's not like he would have found out about it from ''Dragon Ball Z'' or ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''.
*'''Dr. Kabapu:''' Dr. Kabapu is the leader of the city's defense team. However, he seems to hold a great amount of power in politics; so much that he could potentially make anyone mayor if he needed to. His desire to protect the city is strong; although a bit warped. If there is a threat to the city, he will find and destroy it. This warped way of thinking may have influenced the way that [[Chris-Chan|the Mayor]] runs the city of [[CWCville]].
*'''Drool Waterfalls:''' Tears streaming like waterfalls is an often-used effect in ''Excel Saga'', particularly seen on the long-suffering Pedro. However, in this episode, many of the government workers are sickened after consuming Hyatt's refreshments, and begin roaming the building in zombie-like fashion, green drool pouring from their mouths. A very similar visual appeared in ''Sonichu'' #4, when [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal]] managed to paralyze the [[Jerkops]] in lust at a bowling alley.

===Episode 6===
Survival drama. Excel and Hyatt are sent to install a powerful weapon on a mountaintop and use it to destroy the city. Coincidentally, Kabapu's Department of City Security agents undergo training with laser pistols, and Iwata unwittingly foils ACROSS' plot when his weapon misfires.

*'''Misaki Matsuya's Character Notes''': The introduction of Matsuya was treated as a big deal in the anime, with a pause to display text on the screen describing the character's age, gender, hobbies, and personality traits. Chris would emulate this several times when introducing new characters, including [[Wes Iseli]], [[Sarah Hammer]], [[Allison Amber]], [[Simonla Rosechu]], and [[Zapina Rosechu]].

*'''Ha-chan, Eh-Chan, Will-Chan, etc.''': The suffix "-chan" is ubiquitous in anime, but most English dubs don't carry it over into the translation. Even if Chris had heard it before watching ''Excel Saga'', the sheer abundance of "-chan" combined with the first syllable of a character's name in the series is probably what led Chris to dub himself "Chris-Chan". This would also explain Chris's failure to realize the context of -chan. While the honorific is used for children, girls, and young women, ''Excel Saga'' uses it so gratuitously that a viewer might never notice the pattern, especially in this episode. Nevertheless, the suffix "-chan" could be seen as working for Chris in a unique way, since it effectively puns off his last name: "Chandler". The suffix is further validated by the fact that in many ways, Chris really is a child.

===Episode 7===
[[Image: Kabapu.jpg|thumb|200px|Fun Fact: Chris faps to this anime.]]

Horror film. Kabapu sends the DCS team into the sewers, not far from the underground lair of ACROSS. Excel and Hyatt activate defense systems at random, causing a flood. Both groups run afoul of the Puuchus, led by the hideous Puuchu Queen, until Nabeshin triggers a second flood which saves the cast and destroys the monsters.

*'''Ms. Momochi''': Kabapu's secretary, who walks in on Kabapu while he's in between changing clothes in his office. While bearing no physical resemblance, the character may well have been the inspiration for Miss [[Allison Amber]], Chris's mayoral aide and girl Friday.

===Episode 8===
Pretty girl anime. In a shameless bid to increase ratings, all male characters are stricken from the storyboards, appearing only as off-screen voices, shadows, or hands. The DCS team take a vacation day to visit the City Pool, while Excel and Hyatt coincidentally do the same. Hyatt befriends a young girl named Cosette Sara, who turns out to be a cunning assassin. In a strange twist of fate, Cosette is transported to the world of the dead, where she sees her mother's ghost once more, but Pedro warns that she cannot cross the Sanzu River to join her, for it would mean she would die as well. Taking pity on Cosette, the Great Will of the Macrocosm retcons Cosette's life so that her mother never died and her dark life as a child assassin never happened. The other male characters later confront Pedro for violating the "no-men" rule of the episode.

Influences on Chris: Nothing really obvious. This episode was primarily a tongue-in-cheek exercise in gratuitous fanservice, so Chris may have been too busy fapping away to notice anything else. He ''may'' have gotten the idea to do the Spring Break story in ''Sonichu'' #8 from this episode, but other than the all-Rosechu cover, it seems like a rather thin connection.

===Episode 9===
Sports anime. Considering athletics to be the universal language of the masses, Il Palazzo sends Hyatt and Excel to research ways to exploit sports for the purpose of world domination. This leads the duo to part-time jobs in a bowling alley, which is soon overrun by the [[9/11|terrorist]]/bowling organization "Stick and Balls", who plot to use the alley to spread their pro-bowling propaganda and return the "sport of kings" to its former glory. Excel flees to the women's restroom, where Nabeshin agrees to train her in the art of bowling to defeat the Stick and Balls' ringleader. Excel kicks everyone's ass and saves the day.

*'''"I'm much, much saltier":''' When Excel confronts the terrorists, they mock her for having run away earlier. Excel's response: "But I'm ''not'' the sweet little girl I was a few minutes ago! I'm much, much saltier now!" Compare to Chris's line from Sub-Episode 6 of ''Sonichu'' #4, as he describes his showdown with the Jerkops at a bowling alley: "Ah, but I am not the weak person they think I am; I am much, much saltier!" Chris has also used this phrase in private e-mails, to describe himself in the present compared to the naivete of his youth. Note that by omitting the word "sweet", he completely loses the pun.

*'''Bowling:''' The course of the battle in Sub-Episode 6 really doesn't match up well with Excel's bowling adventure, aside from the single hero challenging an entire squad of goons in a bowling alley and defeating them with superhuman bowling moves. It's possible Chris may be channeling some other cartoon in addition, but given the "much, much saltier" line, it's clear that ''Excel Saga'' gave Chris the bright idea to do a comic set in a bowling alley.

===Episode 10===
Animal anime. Menchi, Excel's pet dog/emergency food supply, escapes their apartment and tries to seek out a kindly old man who once took care of her. She soon befriends a pack of fellow strays, led by the charismatic Wolf. Wolf's pack agree to help Menchi find the old man, but soon run afoul of the Animal Control Department, a squad of dogs who serve as dog catchers. After great heartache and betrayal, Wolf and the others sacrifice themselves so that Menchi can escape. Perhaps favoring Excel's long-term threats to the immediate dangers of the outside world, she returns to Excel's apartment.

*'''Anthropomorphic dogs:''' While Menchi can't talk, and in fact seems to look and sound more like a cat than a dog, the other dogs in this episode can speak, and on occasion assume humanoid postures. It appears that Chris ripped off this imagery when he reincarnated his own dog, Patti, as [[Patti-Chan]]. Patti doesn't quite resemble any of the dogs in this episode (her design actually having been stolen from a picture by Megan), although her face does look sort of like a cross between Menchi's and Kyoko's. Her body seems to more closely resemble Wolf's when he's standing upright, and it may be that Chris had to combine their designs in order to approximate Patti's breed.

*'''A kind old man:''' Toward both the start and the ending of the episode Menchi has memories of the kind old man that took care of her before she met Excel. Once her memories are near completed, circles with memories of the old man fall slowly down the screen. Chris would copy this for the cover of [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]].

*'''Menchi's silent adventures:''' Until Menchi meets the other dogs, her speechless journey through the city bears a strong resemblance to the Sonichu Babies segments from [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]]. In particular, a band of cruel children start throwing rocks and boulders at Menchi, not unlike a certain Whale we all know and love.

*'''"I shall show you the power of the well-read dog!"''': Defiant last words of "The Professor", a Scottish terrier in Wolf's pack, as he sacrifices himself on Menchi's behalf. Chris alters the line into "Behold the power of the well-trusted dog!" when Patti-Chan appears in [[CWCville]] to save [[Crystal]] from [[Mary Lee Walsh]].

At this point, the folly of Chris's plagiarism should be clear. He steals ideas and clever lines, but dismisses the concepts that made them worthwhile in the first place. Patti-Chan's storyline in ''Sonichu'' is basically this episode in reverse, with a dead dog coming back to life and saving her friends, whereas the whole appeal to "Menchi's Great Adventure" is the absurd pathos of a Scottish Terrier with glasses and cartoon bombs being a suicide bomber.

===Episode 11===
Youth drama. Excel and Hyatt take temp jobs as teachers, and quickly get saddled with the responsibility of training the school's delinquent baseball team for the big championship game. They lose, as is a common trope in sports anime, to reinforce the greater importance of sportsmanship and teamwork.

Influence on Chris: None, apparently. Chalk this up to his apparent disinterest in sports, and the male-heavy cast of this particular episode.

===Episode 12===
Detective anime. Hyatt gets taken hostage by a pair of burglars, who panic and ultimately kill themselves when she dies and they fear they've murdered her. Meanwhile, the Department of City Security agents train under Purin, an impertinent young woman possessed by the ghost of her hardboiled gumshoe father.

Influence on Chris: None, again.

===Episode 13===
Review show. Excel and Hyatt compete in a game show-style contest assembling short films using recycled clips from the previous episodes.

Influence on Chris: None. Good going, Chris.

===Episodes 14 & 15===
[[Image:Mom_am_pig.JPG|thumb|Excel responds to Chris after reading the Sonichu comics.]]

Dr. Kabapu commissions the pederast cyberneticist Dr. Shioji to build Ropponmatsu, a female android to serve under the Department of City Security. Iwata immediately falls for the shapely robot, until she is destroyed while disarming an ACROSS bomb, and rebuilt as an obnoxious prepubescent girl.

Escalating the conflict, ACROSS deploys a robot to deliver a second bomb, which battles the second Ropponmatsu to a standstill. Shioji delivers a reconstructed Model One Ropponmatsu to assist, but ultimately both are destroyed by the bomb... only to be rebuilt again.

Influences on Chris: Ropponmatsu II may have inspired Zapina Rosechu in some way, but that would require corroboration.

===Episode 16===
Desperate for story ideas, the writers use both Ropponmatsus in the same story. By mistake, the rebuilt androids end up living with Excel and Hyatt, and imprint upon them to an almost romantic degree. After stealing food and money to support the ACROSS Agents, the Ropponmatsus eventually sacrifice themselves so that Hyatt and Excel can escape the wrath of the city police.

*'''Ropponmatsu II's "death" scene''': This is played out as an over-the-top parody of sentimental self-sacrifice scenes in anime, and as Ropponmatsu II begins to break apart, a drop of fluid leaks from her eye socket like a tear, and is depicted as splashing into a darkened pool of water. This would be repeated in Episode 23 when Excel gets shot. Chris would imitate this in ''Sonichu'' #4, using blood instead of tears, and Chris's impotent rage instead of the sadness of loss.

===Episode 17===
"American Japanimation." Il Palazzo sends Excel and Hyatt to the United States on a reconnaissance mission. There, they meet Pedro's son Sandora, who dreams of becoming a rich and famous animator in Japan, where he believes cartoonists are highly respected. Sandora makes a living selling animation sheets of later successor ''Puni Puni Poemy'' to a suspicious-looking man, and is later horrified to discover that his artwork is being traded as bootleg anime cels. Excel rescues Sandora from the criminals by employing various "rules" of both American and Japanese animation.

This was Chris's favorite episode.

*'''Sailor Moon:''' Long before Chris met Megan and got into the ''Sailor Moon'' series itself, Chris had used ''Sailor Moon'' trademark poses and variants on her catchphrase for his alter ego, [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]]. The Excel connection here is that Excel does the same routine in this episode, and a gunsel recognizes the reference, and notes that it's a really old cartoon. Compare to Chris's battle with Mary Lee Walsh in "Witch Confront", where Mary mocks Chris's poses and slogan as being "so old".

===Episode 18===
Kabapu forces his DCS team to wear the power suits of Municipal Force Daitenzin, and use them to battle injustice in the city. Furious at being trapped in the ''sentai'' costumes, the team agrees to just combat litterbugs, jaywalkers, and other minor scofflaws until the suits finally deactivate. Ironically, the awesome powers of the Daitenzin, coupled with their self-absorbed motives, cause far more damage to the city than any mere crime wave.

*'''[[Bagget]], Jerkop Daitenzen (sic)''': Perhaps wanting a more powerful role for Bagget than a mere Jerkop, Chris put him in a brown Power Ranger suit and history was made in ''Sonichu'' #4. Strangely, Bagget never makes use of any of the Daitenzin's special attacks or weapons.

*'''The boy and girl on the bench who look like a character from ''Battle Athletes'' and Ash Ketchum''': In ''Excel'', these two characters are attacked by one of the Daitenzin for public displays of affection, when in fact the girl was refusing the boy's advances. Chris used the girl in a similar scene in [[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu'' #5]], only they were a more romantic couple, and it was the Jerkops who intervened.

*'''Man and woman in coffee shop assaulted by Daitenzin''': In the original version, the couple were discussing when the man would leave his wife, as the woman was pregnant with their child. Chris sanitizes the moment into a "love confession" interrupted by a Jerkop, who punches out the man just as Sumiyoshi does in ''Excel''.

===Episode 19===
Animal anime again. Menchi ends up joining a young heiress on a journey around the world, but their trip is cut short by a common enemy.

Influences on Chris: Chris said this was the episode with Key, but he's wrong. Way to suck, Chris.

*'''Old Man Cyborg''': The punchline of this episode ends up being that the assassin determined to kill the heiress turns out to be the kindly old man who once took care of Menchi, before he turned evil and Menchi shot him in Episode 10. He returns here with a powerful robot body, eager to take revenge. While he doesn't look much like any of Chris's characters, the connection to [[Merried Seinor Comic]] is apparent, and this character may have inspired the other Manajerks Chris depicted as cyborgs.

===Episode 20===
Review show again. This episode recaps the Pedro subplot that's been going on since the show began. In short, Pedro learns that the author of all his miseries is a cosmic Yakuza-type known only as "That Man". Pedro is helpless against his awesome power, until Nabeshin unleashes the secret powers within both Pedro and his son Sandora. Now sporting afros of their own, Pedro and Sandora join Nabeshin to confront That Man, until he escapes with the Will of the Macrocosm.

*'''Sub-Episodes:''' While the segments of the Pedro recap aren't titled this way, they are numbered independently of the episodes of the main series. This "saga within a saga" format probably inspired Chris to depict his own adventures as separate from Sonichu's. Also, combining Pedro's adventures into a single all-Pedro episode is probably how Chris decided to rehash his existing Sub-Episodes in ''Sonichu'' #4, with additional Sub-Episodes to provide some closure to the storyline.

*'''Pedro in Limbo:''' The common theme of Pedro's adventures is that he has been mostly powerless against the forces that affect his life. As a ghost, he could only look on in horror as his family abandoned him, and strange cosmic forces manipulated him for sex and lulz. Similarly, Chris has been describing a similar experience for himself in the ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'' comics since he got marooned in the time void.

===Episode 21===
Rock anime. Il Palazzo's superiors send him a message via Key, an oversexed rock musician who insists on delivering the message through song, yet refuses to sing until he feels the proper artistic inspiration. To that end, Excel and Hyatt attempt to cultivate Key's creativity, but Excel finds herself becoming attracted to Key's untamed sexuality.

*'''Key''': Chris admitted that he adapted Key's revealing outfit to design the costume of his evil gay twin [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]]. The only significant differences are the change from red leather straps to green, and torn blue jeans in place of Key's ass-less chaps. Also, while Key merely displayed an ambiguous sexuality in keeping with his role as a bishonen rock hero, Naitsirhc is a hardcore gay guy, living out Chris's fantasy life of ejaculating whenever and wherever he pleases.

===Episode 22===
[[Image:Cwcexcel.jpg|thumb|By Dean Walsh's order! For the glory of Dean Walsh! BECAUSE DEAN WALSH DEMANDS!]]

Koshi Rikdo grants permission for ACROSS to actually conquer the city. The matter becomes academic, however, when a Puuchu warlord leads an invasion force to Earth to avenge their past defeats. Excel joins forces with Puuchu rebels to defeat the invaders, but the city is destroyed when debris from the battle collides with the Earth.

*'''Nabeshin as martial arts master:''' As the series approached the end, Nabeshin teamed up with Pedro and Sandora to battle That Man, and the three of them would go to a special training ground to hone their powers for the final battle. Based on this, Chris recast Nabeshin in ''Sonichu'' as G.D.W. Shinabe, a martial arts ''sensei'' who teaches his students how to edit film with karate chops. Shinabe would adopt [[Punchy Sonichu]] into his dojo.

===Episode 23===
Post-apocalyptic anime. Cut off from ACROSS, Excel wanders the ruins of what was once F Prefecture, defending the survivors from gangs and warlords. Horrified to learn that the villains are working for ACROSS, and that she has been targeted for execution, Excel confronts Il Palazzo to learn the truth. He shoots her in the chest without a word.

*'''Time-delay attack:''' Mostly, this episode parodies ''Fist of the North Star'', which features a powerful fighter kicking ass in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Since Excel is in the role of the hero, she uses a variation of the anime's titular attack, which involves punching your opponent a billion times. The thing about the ''Fist of the North Star'' is that it takes three seconds to have any effect, after which the opponent explodes like a water balloon filled with blood, then becomes a pastiche of Dejiko from ''Digi Charat''. When dubious villains question the attack's power, the hero would famously reply "But you're already dead", right before they die. Chris adapted this idea when he first used the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha in ''Sonichu'' #0. The Jerkhief didn't feel a thing at first, and then his life began to unravel from the curse.

===Episode 24===
Koshi Rikdo strips the series of all gags. Excel is rescued by Municipal Force Daitenzin, but after recovering from the gunshot, she has amnesia. ACROSS has conquered the region, but Il Palazzo begins to teeter on the brink of madness. The only hope left for resistance is Kabapu's promise of a secret weapon, and Nabeshin, who sacrifices himself to defeat That Man, one of the Il Palazzo's superiors in ACROSS.

Influences on Chris: Make your own "joke-free comedy" joke here. Seriously, though, Chris probably never stole anything from this episode because he couldn't wrap his brain around the irony.

===Episode 25===
As Kapabu and Municipal Force Daitenzin stage a desperate attack on ACROSS's mobile fortress, Excel sneaks into the base to confront Il Palazzo, whom she vaguely recalls as the key to regaining her memories. Il Palazzo makes short work of Kabapu's forces, but when Excel arrives and confronts his madness, he regains his sanity and they escape the fortress together as it explodes. Meanwhile, Pedro and Sandora discover That Man has survived, and defeat him for good with their ultimate attack, the ''Nabehameha'' Wave.
*'''"One Shot is all we get!"''' This line is said in unison by both Pedro and That Man before they engage in their ''[[Dragon Ball Z|Dragon Ball]]'' style beam struggle. Chris blatantly stole it for his epic showdown with [[Mary Lee Walsh]], depicted in [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]].
*'''Nabehameha''': Obviously, a parody of the Kamehameha attack from ''Dragon Ball'', renamed for Nabeshin, who invented it and taught it to Pedro off-screen. While Chris had watched ''Dragon Ball Z'', it was undoubtedly the Nabehameha that gave him the bright idea to customize his own version of the Kamehameha and pretend it was original. Thus, the "Curseyehameha", which he later changed to "Shinyehameha". As Chris has diluted every other idea he stole from ''Excel Saga'', he does so again here, since he failed to utilize the part of the Nabehameha that was so awesome: the afro.
*'''Those things always have weak knees!''': Kabapu uses a giant robot to attack ACROSS mobile fortress. When the defending troops counterattack, this is the strategy they offer. The way the idea is discussed, weak knees in giant robots may be some cliche in giant robot anime lore, but in any case, Chris stole the line for his battle against the [[Count Graduon]]'s Golem in [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]].
*'''"[[Honest content|Honest-to-Goodness]]":''' Near the end of the episode, Excel fights Il Palazzo's inner demons that are the reason behind his sudden outburst of megalomaniac actions. After punching them out, they fall back and take full control of him, and when they do so, Il Palazzo says ''"Now, I'm the honest-to-goodness Il Palazzo!".'' Judging by the climactic delivery of this line, it is very likely it got burned into Chris's subconscious, to end up being used every time he claims to be TRUE and HONEST; an example is his [[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile|Wikipedia page]], which starts with "The One, The Only, from his Own ''Honest-to-God'' Words".

===Episode 26===
Sort of a bonus episode full of material [[Honest Content|too graphic for Japanese TV]]. Cosette Sara from Episode 8 returns as the newest member of ACROSS, who somehow causes Excel and Hyatt to switch bodies. After a lot of nudity and violence, Nabeshin kills the rest of the ACROSS Six and Hyatt floods the world in blood.

Influences on Chris: Chris was probably too busy fapping to anime noods to copy anything.

===''Puni Puni Poemy''===
'''''[[Wikipedia:Puni Puni Poemy|Puni Puni Poemy]]''''' is something of an ''Excel Saga'' spinoff, starring Nabeshin's daughter Poemi Watanabe as she struggles to become a voice actress while fighting aliens with the assistance of the seven Aasu Sisters. The show's relation to ''Excel Saga'' is tenuous, with only Nabeshin and Kumi Kumi present (though a news anchor bears a resemblance to Koshi Rikdo), and some reused background music from the series.

[[Image: GDW.jpg|thumb|200px|Unlike Chris, this man is a TRUE and HONEST great director.]]

Influences on Chris: Chris has more than once referred to himself as "Great Director Chandler", shamelessly ripping off Nabeshin's declaration that he is the "Great Director Watanabe."

{{collapsible
|Gallery of plagiarism
|
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Beforebreakfast.jpg|Compare this...
Image:Sonichustrip1.jpg|to ''this''
Image:Fqx.jpg|Chris would steal this logo, only without the searchlights, or the font, or anything else, really.
Image:graveyard.jpg|This is probably the only reason Chris considers the mall an ideal dating locale, instead of sitting in a cemetery all day.
Image:Coffeeshop.jpg|Actually, the coffee shop was [[Hanna]]'s idea, although Chris probably would have suggested it himself, based on this.
Image:Putitin4.jpg|Chris always picks option 3
Image:Stalkher.jpg|Option 1 is [[Megan|fine too]].
Image:Putitin2.jpg|Chris's SOP for how to interact with women.
Image:Red-string.jpg|"I have a NEW idea that I am sure will REEL in a girlfriend on a FATEFUL [[Red String of Fate|RED STRING]]."
Image:Nabeshin1.jpg|Character Chris identifies with.
Image:Sumiyoshi.jpg|Character Chris should identify with.
Image:Excel-julay.jpg|[[For Julies Eyes Only | For Il Palazzo's Eyes Only]]
Image:Pedro1.jpg|Compare this...
Image:RainbowChris.jpg|to ''this''
Image:scotpalazzo1.jpg|Better One?
Image:ilpalazzo.jpg|Or better Two?
Image:drool1.jpg|Typical reaction to reading ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''
Image: drool2.jpg|The Jerkop version
Image: Chris3days.jpg|Only three days...
Image: only3days.jpg|... since I skipped my last deadline.
Image: Title.JPG|The title is ''Excel Saga''!
Image: Title2.JPG|...or maybe it's ''Sonichu''... I can't remember.
Image: Hail.jpg|When you see it...
Image: Hailwrodents.jpg|...you'll have NUMBERS OF PAIRS OF [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS]].
Image: Bystanders.jpg|Even lazy shortcuts like this aren't original.
Image: Bystanders2.jpg|See?
Image: Pedro2.jpg|Pedro in Limbo
Image: Timevoid.jpg|Chris in the [[Time Void]]
Image: Bowling1.jpg|I'm not the same person I was just a moment ago...
Image: Saltier.jpg|I'm much, much saltier!
Image: Bowling.jpg|Chris defeats the bad guys with bowling power.
Image: Bowling2.jpg|And the original version.
Image: Rikdo-shit.jpg|Stereotypical depiction of a manga artist's room.
Image: More-rikdo-shit.jpg|Possible inspiration for Chris's interior decoration.
Image:0825-EP12-5P6-8.jpg|Compare to Chris's room.
Image:0821-EP12-5P6-5.jpg|The eerie similarities.
Image: Simonla-notes.jpg|Chris's useless character notes.
Image: Matsuya-notes.jpg|And their possible inspiration.
Image: BloodTear.jpg|The Passion of...
Image: Exceltear.jpg|...the Chris?
Image:SoneePuchuu.jpg|They're so cute!
File:Shock.PNG|SHOCK
</gallery>
</center>
}}

==Sources==
<references/>
==See also==
*[[Parody]]
*[[Anime]]
*[[Saga]]
==External links==
*[[Wikipedia:Excel Saga|''Excel Saga'']] on [[Wikipedia]]
[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]
[[Category:Television shows]]

Surfshack Tito (troll)

2020-11-14T18:12:28Z

An alias:

{{Quote|Goddamn womanizing, raping... trollin' stupid [[Man in the Pickle Suit|pickle-suited]]... [[niggos|nigger]]!|Chris on Tito<ref>[[Chris Drops the N-Bomb]]</ref>}}
{{Troll}}
{{infobox
| title = Surfshack Tito
| image = [[Image:Titos.png|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Don
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = [[Niggos|<s>Black</s>]] Hawaiian
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = Internet troll Hacker
}}

'''Surfshack Tito''' (also known as [[Calling Out|Don]]) is a mysterious [[troll]] who first emerged in early [[March 2010]]. His arrival was reminiscent of the rise of [[Jack Thaddeus]] in the summer of 2009. Like Jack, he first made his mark by hacking [[Chris]]'s [[PS3|PlayStation Network]] accounts.

The nickname "Surfshack Tito" is a reference to the [https://rocketpower.fandom.com/wiki/Tito_Makani corpulent surf-shop owner] from the [[Wikipedia: Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]] kids' cartoon ''[[Wikipedia:Rocket Power|Rocket Power]]''. During the exchanges with Chris, most of them from Tito are ended with a Tito-styled word of wisdom. The choice to go with the name is most likely inspired by an infamous copypasta about Tito.

Based on Chris's insults towards Tito in the e-mails and videos, it was assumed that Chris believes that [[Chris and reality|the actual Tito from ''Rocket Power'' is trolling him]]. However, the truth is that the image attached to an e-mail shows a photoshopped image of [[the Wallflower]] standing next to a [[niggos|really tall dark guy]]. The photo is left out of this article due to an agreement with the Wallflower.

==Tito in Chris's videos==
[[Image:Tito 300.gif|frame|It's easy to see what the Wallflower fell for, isn't it?]]
Chris first addressed Tito in a [[Surfshack Tito (video)|video]] released on 2 March 2010. His comments were brief and cryptic. Chris merely referred to Tito by name, threatened him with doom in his nightmares, and delivered a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha#Execution_and_effect|Curse Shot]] attack.

Shortly afterward, [[Clyde Cash]] explained that Tito had hacked Chris's PSN account a few days prior, in late February. This revelation was accompanied by another info-dump concerning Chris's ongoing [[List of Chris's PSN game downloads|downloadable]] [[List of Chris's PSN video downloads|content]] spending spree.

A week later, trolls discovered the identity of [[the Wallflower]], throwing Chris into a flailing rage. Initially, Chris seemed to blame Clyde for the breakup of his latest one-sided relationship, but on 14 March 2010, he released a [[Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!|video]] suggesting that he viewed Tito as the culprit. In that clip, he declares: "Tito. Listen to me, you son of a bitch. Your-your days are numbered." Threats involving a shillelagh and Chris's deadly [[pocket knife]] followed.

Tito apparently kept up the pressure on Chris through the next few days of March 2010. On 18 March, Chris released [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|yet another threatening video]], in which he accused Tito of stealing the Wallflower from him, called him a "womanizing rapist" and a "[[Man in the Pickle Suit|pickle-suited]] [[nigger]]", and alluded to e-mails he had received from Tito (their contents unspecified, but Chris definitely didn't like them).

However, since the end of the Wallflower [[saga]], Surfshack Tito has slipped from Chris's consciousness and has not made any further appearances in Chris's videos. He is, however, an important figure behind the [[Fashion_Square_Mall#Chris_captured_on_video|August 2010 videotaped encounter of Chris at Fashion Square Mall]].

[[Image:Surfshack Tito.jpg|thumb|Tito in real life, enjoying a ukulele after another successful trolling plan.]]

In August 2011 Chris returned after a hiatus from YouTube to [[Calling Out|announce]] that he had received documents which revealed Tito's real identity. Referring to him as Don, Chris demanded a public apology from Tito for [[Wikipedia:PlayStation_Network_outage|hacking the PSN]] and $1,000, among other things.

==E-mails with Chris==
{{main|Surfshack Tito E-mails}}
During mid-March 2010, Tito exchanged several e-mails with Chris, baiting him with regard to the revelation of the Wallflower's identity and other subjects. Their conversations reveal that Chris was aware of his gal-pal's interest in gay slash fiction, and was apparently willing to look past it (the quest for [[china]] trumping all other considerations). The e-mails also feature Chris employing the word "nigger" with [[Chris and race|great enthusiasm]]. Note that Surfshack Tito is actually Hawaiian, not a [[Niggos|niggo]].

Between late August and early September 2010, [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails|Tito resurfaced]] in Chris's failed plot to scam him and Clyde Cash. Their e-mails reveal Chris's intentions behind destroying his PS3 and waiting at the mall; he sought a bounty of $9,001 towards his PS3's destruction and very poorly attempted to cheat Tito and Clyde out of the money.

==References==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Jack Thaddeus]]
*[[Surfshack Tito (video)]]
*[[Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!]]
*[[Chris Drops the N-Bomb]]
*[[Surfshack Tito E-mails]]
*[[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails]]

{{Trolls}}
{{Sagas}}
{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Tito, Surfshack}}

[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category: Surfshack Tito Saga]]

Chris and sex

2020-11-14T12:16:19Z

An alias: /* Chris in the act */

{{Dated}}
{{Honest}}
{{DeadLinks}}
{{HealthDisclosure}}
[[Chris]] has a warped view of '''sexual intercourse''' (a.k.a. '''hanky-panky'''), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development, [[Borb|a sheltered upbringing]], and the [[Autism|twisted, disjointed]] [[Chris and reality|worldview]] he acquired as a result. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on HBO at around age 16. He describes pornographic films as "educational".<ref>[[Miyamoto Saga#Chris Sets the Record STRAIGHT]]</ref>

==Knowledge of sex==
In his mind, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful... sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate", a description he [[Things Chris has ripped off|stole]] from ''[[Sailor Moon]]''.<ref>[[Mailbag 18#He might as well be talking about how to pilot the space shuttle|Mailbag 18]]</ref> In truth, for much of the time he was presenting this advice Chris had yet to even kiss a girl.<ref name="Jackie E-mails 2">[[Jackie E-mails 2]]</ref>

What he knows about sex he's picked up from rudimentary [[high school]] [[Dating education|sex education]] or [[List of Chris's Adam & Eve purchases|pornography]]. This has engendered many false beliefs in Chris, which he sticks to religiously. Readers who brave his [[Chris Sex Logs|sex chat logs]] should immediately notice what's going wrong--Chris's fantasies are merely recreations of what he's seen in pornos, rather than plausible sexual experiences. For example, he believed that [[Kacey]] would welcome a brutal tit-fucking followed by load after load of [[navy]] to the face.<ref>[[Kacey Phone Call]]</ref>

Other examples of Chris's crude misconceptions about sex abound. He mimics female porn stars' sex positions, spreads an imaginary vagina a yard across,<ref name="JR Eyes">[[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]]</ref> thinks that the clitoris is located on the female body where the [[wikipedia:Perineum|perineum]] is located on the male one<ref>[[September 2014 Facebook Posts#Introducing the Un-clit]]</ref> and believes that electric shocks to the vagina are pleasurable.<ref name="Cums cat">[[CWC Cums for a Cat]]</ref> He also seems to believe that a woman's vagina is higher up on the woman's body that it actually is;<ref>[[:File:SchuComicSP3P7.jpg]]</ref> this is undoubtedly due to his experience with his [[Kimmi|sex]] [[Officer Nasty|dolls]]. The "missionary cowgirl" position mentioned in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]] is a contradiction in terms. He can't even get the most basic double entendres correct, wearing a terrible [[CWC Cola|Mountain Dew]] parody shirt thinking it's an invitation for women to try and ride his broken [[penis]].<ref name="JR Eyes" /> He thinks that his [[Virgin with rage|virginity]] is a precious and sought-after treasure which women will come in droves to take (he even went so far as to use it as a bargaining chip to haggle with a prostitute), and believes that [[mass debating]] ultimately makes him better at sex.

With Chris's [[Chris and English|slippery grip on language]], he is also noticeably confused about basic sexual terminology. For example, Chris told Ivy he had a "sticky dream" about her. When Ivy asked if he meant a wet dream, he replied, "No, that's when you pee yourself, silly!"<ref>[[Ivy Q&A#Threats]]</ref> While he may have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. He refuses to use common terms--either medical or slang--for sex organs, instead calling penises "[[duck]]s" and "[[pickle]]s", and vaginas and vulvae "[[china]]" or "tom-tom" out of a childish aversion borne of disgust.

In [[August 2011]], Chris said he is into female domination.<ref>[[Calling Out Jack Thaddius - Ahuviya]]</ref> (going as far as to draw Sonichu and Rosechu performing the act in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]]).

==Moral basis on sex and double standards==
===The Bible===
[[Image:DatingEducation.jpg|thumb|250px|69ing? Intercourse? ''Really''? In a ''children's'' comic? Because they should know all about this stuff.]]
{{quote|You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: but I say to you, that whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.|Matthew 5:27-28}}

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is (partially) dictated by the Bible - or rather, by his religion, as Chris's Biblical knowledge is extremely poor. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when male homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he ''hates'' homos, but with no hesitation views lesbian porn and approves of it [[Mass debating|masturbatorily]]<ref>[[CWC's Second Message]]</ref>, and as of 2014, seemed to be adopting a more progressive view of even gay men and their rights (albeit begrudgingly). In 2015 Chris made a video lamenting his "past" homophobia and clarifying that he apparently now has great liking and admiration for male homosexuality, [[Retroactive continuity|retconning]] the viscous homophobic tirade of [[Sonichu 10]] into a bizarre zombie apocalypse, implying that he realizes religion is not an excuse for discrimination. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he planned on losing his virginity on the [[Third date|third or fourth date]] with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). This is, of course, blatant violation of the Christian value of marriage before sex.

The Bible also frowns upon [[Nudes|pornographers]], of which he is very guilty and holds no apparent [[Chris and remorse|remorse]]. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to denigrate and what is OK in his own personal dogma, although to be fair, the same is true of many Christians anyway.

Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is most likely because he goes to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|a very liberal church]], so any question about premarital sex is probably interpreted quite liberally, and Chris believes that his church and ''only'' his church defines the entirety of religious morality - as it applies to him, anyway. When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by [[trolls]], she only fuels his à la carte Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which contradicts Christian doctrine.<ref>[[Mumble 8]]</ref> In summary, Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his [[Love Quest]].

===Sexism===
[[File:Female anatomy according to chris.png|thumb|A moderately detailed portrait of what Chris probably thought females looked like before meeting [[Mia Hamm]].]]

Chris seems to consider a female sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he's ever held, he announced his desire to upload on the Internet a video of his first full sexual intercourse, even if his hypothetical partner refused to consent to it.<ref>[[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#The Introduction Image Space is NOT Ad Space (CCS)]]</ref> After further prodding, he added that he would simply hide the camera, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public.<ref>[[Mailbag 31#In which Chris crosses yet another line]]</ref> In [[CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC]], Chris indicated that if a woman accused him of being gay in person, he would sexually assault them by demanding they submit to a kiss and allow him to videotape the act, possibly as a way of proving his straightness.

For Chris, as stated above, [[Women's rights|a woman is just a living, sentient sex-toy]], existing only to validate him as a heterosexual. As long as they're straight and younger than him, of course.

==Chris in the act==
[[Image:JULAY-small.gif|frame|right|Christian [[For Julie's Eyes Only|professing his love]] for "[[Julie]]".]]
Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with [[Julie]], and the infamous sex tape with Kimmi shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes ''female'' positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. It seems that Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the [[JERKS|men]] in pornography (due to fear of becoming a [[homo]]).

However, it should be noted that in most of Chris's Rule 34 drawings the characters do tend to assume positions which are fitting for their gender, including Chris.<ref>For examples, see the [[Sonichu 8#The uncensored scenes|uncensored panels]] from Sonichu 8, [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack]], [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg]], the [[Giant Penis Comic]] and [[Jackie E-mails 14]].</ref> It might be that Chris adopts female positions not so much due to ignorance regarding sex, but more because of [[Tomgirl pictures|his identification with the opposite gender]].

Chris's view of cunnilingus, put on display in [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]], involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris.

In the leaked media, Chris displays that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (bent duck, [[Obesity|being overweight]], lack of endurance) or psychological in nature (performance anxiety, high expectations, intrusive homoerotic thoughts, subconscious guilt about sex), or a combination thereof.

In 2018, a troll posing as [[Magi-Chan]] leaked a [[All Star|video]] on Chris's Twitter depicting him tugging his [[duck]] to a certain well known song. He remains flaccid the entire time; his inability to get an erection is possibly a side effect of [[Transgender|HRT]]. If this is true, Chris will certainly not be getting any hanky-panky in the future.

During his time losing his virginity to a [[Mia Hamm| prostitute]] its worth noting that he first received a blowjob, than demanded cowgirl before possible missionary later; [[Obesity| but luckily for her]] he couldn't last very long and finished just after she rid him for a bit; this is important as it points to 2 big problems with chris; first his lack of self control due to him [[Navy| finishing]] so quickly [[Financhu Crisis| (his lack of self control is possibly the main reason his life is so fucked right now)]], second is that he ordered possibly the laziest sex position in the book, with Mia doing pretty much all of the physical exercise with Chris being a lazy fuck [[Chris and work| (the other reason why his life is so fucked)]]

==Homosexuality==
{{main|Chris and sexuality}}

==Pedophilia==
{{main|Pedofork}}

==Bestiality==
{{quote|I can imagine myself doing it with a [[Patti-chan|collie]] at least. you know, like Lassie.|Chris to [[PandaHalo]]<ref name="collie">[[IRC (27 December 2008)]]</ref>}}
[[File:PattiLuv.jpg|thumb|Run, Patti, run!]]
[[File:Super-mode.jpg|thumb|left|90px|Chris, sporting a [[ECV 00002‎|homemade fursuit]].]]

In [[December 2008]], Chris told [[PandaHalo]] he would be willing to have sex with a female dog for her.<ref name="collie" /> However, in his [[Chris-chan Discusses...‎|interview with ScrewAttackEurope]], Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself by his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form; so technically this isn't bestiality, as they're animals having sex with each other.

Chris suggested that Brian from ''[[Family Guy]]'' be paired up with "any sexy breed" of dog.<ref>[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Family_Guy#Story_of_the_CWC_Episode_for_.22Family_Guy.22 The Family Guy article on CWCipedia]</ref>

In [[The Red-Maned Deer]], Chris recites a poem he wrote about having sex with a deer, but at the end of it states, "This was, in fact, NOT an act of bestiality. For you see, the Red-Maned Deer I have been communicating with and tracking, is really...my lo-my womanly sweetheart, named [[Jacklyn Romy]]."<ref>[[The Red-Maned Deer]]</ref> The fact that the deer is Jackie is obvious, but in spite of this he explicitly stated that it was her at the end.

In a photo of the [[Rental House]] from June 2014, the Chandler minivan bears a bumper sticker reading "I Sleep with Dogs".<ref>[[:File:Chandler Cars 1600w.jpg]]</ref> What exactly this means is yet to be determined.

===Is Chris a furry?===
{{quote|I am half-Sonichu and half-Pokemon, thus making me a "furry".|Chris, May 2018<ref>https://tweetsave.com/cwcsonichu/status/997320832040005634</ref>}}

Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry was, for a long time, debated.<ref>From [[Sarah May Skype Logs#Chris tries to leave|the Sarah May Skype Logs]]: [7:17:25] '''Sarah May''': Did you feel sexually aroused when you drew them? [7:17:34] '''Christopher C.W.C.''': a bit.</ref> There are some things that point in that direction. [[Chris-chan Sonichu]] is in many ways similar to a fursona. Chris has also used the character while cybering with [[Julie]].<ref name="Cums cat" /> Finally, in the [[Giant Penis Comic]], Chris and [[Ivy]] both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. However, it was confirmed by [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] that Chris was actually prejudiced against furries, not because of who they are, but because many furries tend to be [[homos]].<ref>[[Mimms and Lucas Q&A#Racism and homophobia]]</ref>

Then, in May 2018, Chris [[May_2018_social_media_posts#Michael_Hirtes_BTFO|went back on]] another of his long-held beliefs. Becoming another of the things he used to loathe, Chris dubbed himself a furry, no doubt influenced by his [[MAGfest#The_Aftermath|encounters with some]] at MAGfest a few months prior.{{-}}

==Prostitution==
[[Image:Virginbreaker.png|thumb|Chris's leaked [[Facebook]] announcement that he had lost his virginity. Initially igniting a firestorm of controversy, Chris himself let it slip that she was found "somewhere on the backpage" soon after.]]

Given how badly Chris wanted to lose his virginity, many observers have wondered why he didn't immediately spend some of his [[tugboat]] on a prostitute. [[Mumble 4]], from [[February 2009]], answered that question for a while. There, Chris explained that paying for sex would render the act "meaningless," and he was - in a rare display of common sense - afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Needs must as the devil drives, though. While being blackmailed by [[Jack Thaddeus]] in the summer of [[2009]], Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked [[PlayStation Network]] accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life to try and gain sympathy. He was genuinely shocked when she didn't offer to fuck him out of pity, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

Previously, in [[March 2009]], [[Bryan Bash]] had sent a trio of prostitutes to [[14 Branchland Court|Chris's house]] so he would no longer be a virgin with rage. [[Hooker incident|Hilarity ensued]].

By the beginning of [[2010]], Chris's views on prostitution had further softened. According to his [[Vivian Gee E-mails 2|conversations with Vivian Gee]], around the turn of the year he was attempting to save $100 out of his monthly budget to buy himself a whore for his 28th [[birthday]]. This, presumably, was the "hundred dollars for a damn hooker" he referred to when [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|begging the Wallflower for sex]] on YouTube in [[March 2010]].

Between [[April 2010|April]] and [[July 2010]], under the name of [[Carlos Chantor]], Chris tried to offer himself up as a male escort. He described himself as "[[Chris and reality|Experienced for Her Pleasure]]", with an [[obesity|average]] body type.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 6]]</ref>

Later, under the guise of his troll persona [[JenkinsJinkies]], Chris attempted to acquire the contact details of the hookers Brian Bash had previously hired. While it is possible that Chris merely wished to make his disguise more convincing by implying that 14 year old Jenkins wished to hire prostitutes, it seems far more likely that Chris actually was considering hiring Brian's girls.

In [[April 2012]] a [[Facebook]] status leaked in which Chris announced that he was no longer a virgin. Suspicion arose that this was due to the help of a hooker. Chris provided further evidence suggesting that [[Mia Hamm|the girl]] was a prostitute on 1 [[May 2012|May]] when he wrote in a [[Facebook#Hey, Trollies|Facebook note]] that his virgin breaker can be found "somewhere on the [[Wikipedia:Backpage|backpage]]", a website known for featuring sex service ads.<ref>[http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/19/opinion/kristof-not-quite-a-teen-yet-sold-for-sex.html?_r=1]</ref> On 28/29 June 2014 Chris openly admitted that his first time was with a prostitute, and that he had sex with her twice.<ref>[[Other documents#Chris's wingman]]</ref>

In [[June 2016]], Chris himself made [[Women Only Need Apply - No STD's|another attempt]] to enter the prostitution business, now as a [[Tomgirl|trans woman]], going by the name "Stephanie Bustcakes". Predictably, Chris was unable to find any "women of any orientation" who were interested in paying him $100 to have sex either "one way or the lesbian way", and the Stephanie Bustcakes persona has not yet reappeared.

[[File:ChrisChanSexForMoney.png|thumb]]
In [[April 2018]], Chris, facing [[Financhu Crisis|serious financial issues]] and having recently been brainwashed into [[bisexual]]ity, made a [[Twitter|tweet]] offering to [[April 2018 social media posts#Will provide house tour and suck dicks for money|give blowjobs for money]]. However, the post may have been made under the influence of the [[Idea Guys]], and few of Chris's fans have any interest in taking up his offer to verify.

==Incest==
{{Dated}}
{{Quote|I, myself, Did have dreams of having sex with [[Barbara Chandler|my mother]].|Chris, 2016}}

[[File:CWCSonichu Rule34.jpeg|thumb|Chris having sex with his "son," Sonichu, in order to fulfill a prophecy to bring Crystal into the world.]]

[[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal]], Chris's imaginary twin sister, appeared as a [[:image:153-GirlfriendsGift.jpg|"girlfriend" card]] he made for ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'', and her attractiveness and desirability are brought up several times in the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] comics well after being established as Chris's twin. Chris has shown complete ignorance in matters incestuous before; his [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]] are all related (despite their type and appearance differences, they all come from [[homos|Sonic and the same male Pikachu]]-apart from that fact, they were all created by Chris and acknowledge him as such- Sonichu and Rosechu calling him father), but many of them are paired off with one-another (notably Sonichu/Rosechu, Bubbles/Blake, and Magi/Silvana- Simonla was technically made by someone else), banging and some even [[Sonichu and Rosechu's children|having]] [[Sandy Rosechu|kids]]. Chris's own comic children are a form of incest- as Chris impregnated himself with his navy. Chris shrugs off [[Autism|all medical/science facts]] and lists the two as perfectly healthy and Autism Free

Chris first expounded his views on incest to the internet on 31 [[January 2009]] during the [[Mumble 1|first Mumble chat]], when it was revealed that he did not fully understood the meaning of the word "incest". While he showed aversion toward incest in the chat, his condemnation of it was lukewarm, saying that he would only "definitely discourage that" and that lesbian incest is "possibly OK" due to no reproduction being involved. Compare this to his statements about male homosexuality from the same chat ("I hate homo males [...] I'd sooner have a [[Tomgirl Saga|sex change]] before I would ever turn into a homo") or to his statements about male homosexuality from earlier that month, saying that he would make it a crime and force its practitioners into having sex with members of the opposite gender.<ref>[[IRC (02 January 2009)]]</ref>

A year later, Chris's views became staunch. When a correspondent in the [[Mailbag]] pointed out that Chris's state allows cousin marriage but not same-sex marriage, Chris furiously denied it and wrote, "Cousin-Marriage is just as Terrible and Unholy as MARRYING YOUR OWN MOTHER OR FATHER!"<ref>[[Common Questions#5 January 2010]]</ref> When another correspondent responded to Chris by saying that he is happily married to his cousin and that their marriage is indeed legal in Virginia, Chris answered him by saying he was destined to hell for his relationship,<ref>[[Mailbag 34#Good luck in hell]]</ref> not realizing that incest is shown in a positive light in [[Chris and religion|the Bible]]. When the subject came up again in the next mailbag, Chris said that sexual relations between cousins are just as wrong as incest between parents and their children or between siblings, and that all those relationships were condemned in the "same part" of the Bible,<ref>[[Mailbag 35#I think he wanted a specific verse]]</ref> which is not actually true.<ref> [http://www.cousincouples.com/?page=religion]</ref>

During the [[Idea Guy]] saga, the troll convinced Chris that [[Magi-Chan]] foretold of a prophecy in which [[Crystal]] would be born by Chris mating with Sonichu. He also informed Chris that if this was drawn, he wouldn't have to do it in real life. Chris complied<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/idea-guy-joshua-wise-manipulating-the-intellecutally-disabled-for-fun-megathread.37132/page-80#post-2988349</ref>. During the nonsensical [[Sonichu 13| issue 13]] of Sonichu incest is unsurprisingly everywhere, from [[Chris Chan Sonichu]] getting married to [[Magichan]] to Chris and Sonichu raping each other.

===Dreams of sex with Barb===
On 10 August 2016, Chris posted a [[Facebook statuses|response]] to a mother-son couple who were arrested for incest. He admitted to "[having] dreams of having sex with my mother" but "Never acting on them ever." Among other things, he also implied that incest "offers a chance for better teaching the child how to better satisfy their eventual partner(s)." All this is in stark contrast to his earlier condemnation of incest, which raises the question of whether Chris was being TRUE and HONEST but changed his opinion later thanks to his growing degeneracy, or the likelier possibility it was [[Hypocrisy|all for show]].

{{quotebox|I have a few things to say in response to this article. Firstly, the child was over 18, and surely the mother has talked it out with him beforehand. The child might have had social problems, or a situation where socializing or going out to socialize with other people, was a Greater Difficulty. Financial situation to prevent paying someone else to come over and help out in the situation. Moreover, it was the lifelong affections between parent and child. Also, the mother probably could not bear any ovum for children anymore.
Anyhow, who among Everyone in this world has not had a dream of having sex with one of their parents? Never acting on them ever, I, myself, Did have dreams of having sex with my mother.
Although incest is quite controversial topic, but there are circumstances where there would be not so much harm as one may think, feel or believe. The child is over 18; the mother is unable to have any more children at the time; birth control and protection is available and can be used (in a case of father/daughter, birth control Definitely should be used anyhow). Also, consider if the child is adopted; not as much biological.
Plus, this offers a chance for better teaching the child how to better satisfy their eventual partner(s). The schools can only teach from books; not so much practice. And Nobody wants to end up being a 20 or 30-plus year old Virgin. I know; That is a Huge, Enduring Pain.
Unless the sex act was abusive, hurtful, or Would result in an unwanted birth of a physical or mental challenged child, I would not judge or persecute the parent and child. I would encourage the child to socialize more; maybe make it easier for the child to meet more people his/her age.
Do Not send the mother and son to jail!}}

On 13 September 2019, while [[Spirit possession|role-playing]] as Magi-Chan, Chris would describe Barb as a "guilty pleasure waifu."<ref>[[September 2019 social media posts#Barbara was more of a "guilty pleasure" waifu]]</ref>

==Rape==

{{Protip|Despite your worst fears, Chris won't rape anybody, so stop saying that.}}

Chris is very apathetic about the idea of rape. When [[PandaHalo]] told him she was raped by [[Clyde Cash|Clyde]], he reacted nonchalantly. He even thought it would be appropriate for Panda to move in with her rapist, whom he called a "good man" for regretting the rape and for being willing to take care of the ensuing child.<ref>[[IRC (21 January 2009)]]</ref> Later on, long after the PandaHalo saga was over, he would wish her and her rapist a happy marriage.<ref>[[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts (CWCipedia page)#Sarah Cassandra McKenzie, A.K.A. PandaHalo]]</ref> In [[iPods Down and Listen Up]], he doesn't seem to realize that his improvised lyrics detail a sexual act that would almost certainly be construed by others as rape. More recently, he has taken to comparing his ordeals with the trolls to rape in his Facebook posts.

As far as ''Chris'' being a potential rapist is concerned, during a particularly [[IRC (23 July 2009)|disturbing chat]], he ([[:File:BillRiley.jpg|incognito]]) suggested that the trolls try to convince him to rape [[Rocky Shoemaker]]. He also evidently see's no issue with rape by fraud (essentially having sex with someone while tricking them into believing your somebody else, meaning they didn't consent with you) as seen with his comic book counterpart when he travels forwards in time to have sex with his future wife lovely weather in the guise of being his future self [[Tomgirl|(whom is definitely a different person in the future)]]. During the [[Kacey Calls]] he attempted unsuccessfully to lure her to his place in the guise of being [[Liquid Chris]], again seeing absolutely nothing wrong with that.

In all likelihood, though, these parts of his behavior are most likely explained by the keys to understanding his behavior overall: his ignorance about the world and his persecution complex causes him to be quite [[naïve]] about how bad rape actually is. With the Rocky situation above, he likely said that as part of an odd, roundabout scheme to get the trolls arrested, but it's still pretty fucked up that he'd even suggest something like this, let alone tell her about it after.

Chris has a surprisingly mature moral opinion on the subject of abortion in cases of rape; in one of the [[Kacey Calls]], he states he believes that abortion in these cases should be the choice of the victim only and that they should not be pressured by others in their decision.

One might assume that he will one day try to rape someone due to this mindset and stalker tendencies, but this scenario is highly unlikely. For instance, he tried to kiss [[Emily]] and gave up when she said no,<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#A precious farewell (1:29:35–1:31:10)]]</ref> showing that he does understand the importance of consent....or at least, he ''used'' to. Unfortunately, it seems that as of 2014, he has decided that he won't take "no" for an answer, and basically ''molested'' [[Catherine#The Date|Catherine during their second outing]] by hugging her and burying his head in her breasts even after she flatly told him not to. This gets even more disturbing when you consider [[Catherine E-mails#It IS Your Fault!|this e-mail]], where Chris outright says that he's [[Chris and his Ego|"entitled to a relationship"]].

He also doesn't have a history of violence (indeed, quite, quite the opposite), and aside from his [[Death threats#Likelihood of Acting Out on Death Threats|habit of dishing out threats he can't possibly carry out]], Chris is physically [[Chris and health|very weak and unfit]], and simply could not overpower an able-bodied person - the only outcome of him attempting it would be a swift knee to the [[duck]] followed by a rousing round of [[Kick the Autistic|America's favorite game]]. However, given Catherine's experience with Chris during their outing (in her words, she was taken by surprise and couldn't react to it), potential sweethearts should still exercise some caution around him.

Interestingly, Chris details in [[Announcement 06292016]] that he wants all men to stay an arm's length distance away from him. Along with showing the insecurities he possesses concerning men, Chris seems to think that he is [[Tomgirl|female]] enough or [[Chris and his ego|attractive]] enough that [[Chris and reality|a man would want to rape him.]]

==Sexting==

<strike>[http://www.4shared.com/photo/ofavvePXce/Chris_Chan_Sexting.html Sexting Coversation]</strike> Link down. Please reupload.

==Contraceptives==

{{quote|Confidentially, I wear a condom during the second half when I masturbate; I use Trojan or LIfestyles brand (Trojan mostly)

And I used condoms when I fooled with the [[Officer Nasty|L.D.s]] as well.|Chris, [[Jackie E-mails 1]]}}

Condoms, or as Chris has called them "'''raincoats'''", are thin latex coverings worn over a man's penis for the purpose of birth control. However, Chris seemed to understand the condom as more of a symbol for promoting safe premarital sex rather than as a contraceptive. Aside from promoting safe sex and justifying premarital sex, Chris has also drawn his male Sonichu characters with condoms in order to censor their penises. Chris has stated that before his third date with [[Blanca]], he'd wear a condom for the first two times they've had sex, only to have non-protected sex by the third date, showing that he also believed that condoms serve more as some kind of gateway to pregnancy. Chris had a box of chocolate-flavored condoms that he purchased to be prepared for his first time. Chris had given a few different dates for when they expired; some time in 2010 <ref>https://sonichu.com/cwcki/Chris_Sex_Logs#Condoms</ref> and January 2013.<ref>https://sonichu.com/cwcki/IRC_(27_December_2008)</ref> Chris reportedly also wore a condom that was flavored like green apple while engaging in sex with Mia Hamm.<ref>[[July 2020 social media posts]]</ref>. Its not entirely clear whether the condom was entirely successful or not due to him mentioning that a "Smidge" of Navy had leaked out after their first round together, meaning he either kept them in is pocket far too long, the condom didn't fit entirely properly around his [[Duck]] or he simply became flaccid way faster than he should have, for those wondering however its probably safe to assume [[Mia Hamm]] wont be harbouring [[Crystal]] any time soon, even by some non-existant chance he managed to get her pregnant she would have likely been on the pill anyway.

==See also==
*[[China]]
*[[Chris and his Ego]]
*[[Chris and gender]]
*[[Chris and sexuality]]
*[[Chris Sex Logs]]
*[[Duck]]
*[[Homos]]
*[[Mass debating]]
*[[Naive]]
*[[Pickle]]
*[[Semen]]
*[[ShecameforCWC.JPG]]
*[[Women's rights]]

== References ==
<references/>

{{Love quest}}
{{Chris and}}

Anime

2020-11-14T12:10:14Z

An alias: /* Fan video */

{{taxpayermoney}}
[[File:054-CWCsAnimeWorldCD.jpg|thumb|Chris has liked anime since at least [[2000]].]]

'''Anime''' (アニメ) is a colloquial term for Japanese animation, a rather popular style that's been subbed/dubbed/emulated for its many hit series worldwide, drawing the attention of many loyal followers; including [[Chris]]. Over the years, Chris has taken quite an interest in the medium. Whether it be for [[Things Chris has ripped off|inspiration]] or [[Mass debating|self pleasure]], it's managed to make itself quite a large part of Chris's life. Chris enjoys the [[Chris and art|artform]] to some extent, as well, although it's not his primary obsession. Needless to say, he's watched a lot of anime, bought plenty of anime through the [[PlayStation Network]], and swiped as many ideas as he can get his head around from his favorite anime series.

==Chris and anime==
[[File:Sailorcwc.jpg|thumb|[[Sailor Moon|Sailor Chris]].]]

It's not clear when Chris first discovered Japanese cartoons, although it's safe to guess that ''[[Pokémon]]'' or ''[[Dragon Ball Z]]'' were the seeds. He was a serious Pokémon enthusiast by the late '90s, and by [[2004]] he had enough interest in anime generally to attend the [[Anime Mid-Atlantic]] convention in Richmond, [[Virginia]].

Chris doesn't appear to be into anime as much as people think he is, even if he often gets slapped with the "weeaboo" tag. He returned to Anime Mid-Atlantic in [[2005]], but hasn't been back to a convention since then. (He considered a trip to Baltimore's Otakon convention in 2010, but primarily as a way of meeting [[Jackie]] in person.)<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 12]]</ref> In his [[Adult Swim posts|posts on the Adult Swim forums]], he didn't have much to say about the Japanese imports on the Adult Swim schedule, except to note that he didn't like the cartoonish [[Homos|male nudity]] in ''[[Wikipedia:Crayon Shin-chan|Crayon Shin-chan]]'' (big shock there) and he wanted to see more anime featuring "[[Sonichu 8|very-close-to-nude girls]]" (even bigger shock).

Chris still ripped off characters and story concepts from anime left and right, however, and he still watches some newer anime series. His PSN account shows that he downloaded the entire "[[Sonichu Girls|harem]]" comedy-drama ''[[Wikipedia:Shuffle!|Shuffle!]]'' in [[2009]]; given that it stars a hapless twit who finds himself surrounded by willing women for no very good reason, Chris probably loved it (he has yet to comment on the scene where the main character got his eye cut by his psychotic [[galpal]]). He also downloaded all of ''Gunslinger Girl'' in early [[2010]], doing plenty to undermine his contention that he isn't a [[pedofork]].
[[File:Fistofthesonichu.JPG|thumb|left|Chris summoning his stand,「Let Me Call You [[Sweetheart]]」.]]

According to his [[Netflix]] queue from around [[November 2009]], Chris has purchased a number of anime in big sets. His anime sets centered around three of his likes: [[Sonic]], [[Transformers]] and scantily-clad women. In terms of Sonic, only three disks were seen purchased, all three centered on ''Sonic X''. It is more than likely that before the queue was taken, he had seen the other disks that comprises the series. While he had most of the Transformers series that were made in the last ten years, some of those were part of the Transformers saga known as the Unicron Trilogy: ''Armada'', ''Energon'' and ''Cybertron''.

The rest of the anime, as stated earlier, revolve around women — strong women who are capable of defending themselves without simpering over a man, unlike [[Rosechu (species)|some creatures]] we all know and love. Some of those films and series included ''Read or Die'', ''Slayers Return'', ''Elfen Lied'' and, probably the least surprising of all, ''Kekko Kamen'', a comedic action series featuring a heroine who battles evil while stark naked. The last series might have had a particular impact on Chris, as the face-rape of [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] in [[Sonichu 8]] is [[Things Chris has ripped off#Kekko Kamen|very similar]] to Pubic Hair Jump, a move by which the title character of ''Kekko Kamen'' kills her enemies.

In his [[Chris Sex Logs|chats about sex with PandaHalo]], Chris mentioned that he's watched some pornographic ("hentai") anime, but he didn't go into any further detail.

In 2020, Chris made the somewhat dubious claim that watching [[Wikipedia:Cells at Work!|''Cells at Work!'']] would strengthen one's immune system against [[coronavirus]].<ref>[[March 2020 social media posts]]</ref> He also posted about [[Wikipedia:BNA: Brand New Animal|''BNA: Brand New Animal'']].<ref>[[July 2020 social media posts]]</ref>

==Anime and ''Sonichu''==
[[File:Anime.png|thumb|SO KAWAII! UGUU~]]
Although Chris was interested in anime before he began drawing his ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'' comics, he didn't start giving the characters in his comic an obviously anime-inspired look until [[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu'' #5]], which he completed in the spring of [[2006]]. This was almost certainly the result of [[Megan Schroeder]]'s influence — she was a big fan of ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' and other popular Japanese cartoons, and Chris was pursuing her especially fervently at the time. Practically speaking, this shift in style involved giving his characters huge, prismatic, saucer-like eyes, which make them look more [[Yawning Squirtle|stoned]] than animu, or "set-theoretic intersection" (∩) eyes. He also made use of creative elements that work in anime but not in a sequential comic, as well as tedious and unnecessary clichés common to anime.

Needless to say, despite the radical artwork style change in his comics, Chris still was cockblocked.

Since his relationship with Megan deteriorated (eventually [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|blowing up in his face]]), anime hasn't been so obvious an influence on Chris’s artwork. He still goes overboard with the giant saucer eyes from time to time, though.

==Anime Chris has ripped off==
{{main|Things Chris has ripped off#Anime}}
[[File:Sonichu - Episode 13, Page 27, Revision 1.jpg|thumb|[[SingStar Challenge Round 1|So pitiful, it's true.]] An example of Chris's anime-inspired artwork.]]
Like every other form of entertainment he enjoys, Chris views anime as a rich source of ideas that he can swipe and integrate into his own "original" works. Aside from the most obvious victims of his anti-creativity (like ''Pokémon''), these are some of the shows he’s abused.

* ''[[Wikipedia:Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo|Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo]]'': The ''[[My Little Pony]]'' greeting card that Chris gave to [[Mimms]] mashed this series up with ''Naruto''.
* ''[[Dragon Ball]]'': Chris's infamous [[curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] attack comes from ''Dragon Ball''. Chris's [[Colossal Chan]] transformation from Sonichu #10 is also based on the Super Saiyan 4 transformation featured in the [[Wikipedia:Dragon Ball GT|Dragon Ball GT]] series.
* ''[[Wikipedia:New Cutey Honey|Cutey Honey]]'': Chris quotes, almost word for word, Cutey Honey transformation speech in [[Sonichu 5]]. It should be clear why he even knows about [[Chris and sex|Cutey Honey]].
* ''[[Excel Saga]]'': Consciously and otherwise, Chris has lifted (and butchered) dozens of jokes from this series.
* ''[[Wikipedia:Fullmetal Alchemist|Fullmetal Alchemist]]'': One of Chris's My Little Ponies is based off of main character Edward Elric.
* ''[[Wikipedia:Inuyasha|Inuyasha]]'': The entrapment of [[Wes-Li Sonichu]] in [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]] rips off the similar entrapment of ''Inuyasha'''s title character.
* ''[[Jiggliami|Macross Frontier]]'': Blanca traced her illustration of Jiggliami over a character from this series, and Chris unthinkingly traced over her tracing.
* ''[[Chrs-Chan Pure Pulse-Jolt Lance|Pretty Cure]]'': Chris's wonder-twin team-up with his sister [[Crystal_Weston_Chandler_(sister)|Crystal]] in [[Sonichu_4#Sub-Episode_8:_Christian_Chandler_in_.22Off-Target_Part_2.22|Sub-Episode 8]] lifts from this popular magical-girl series, one of Megan's favorites.
* ''[[Sailor Moon]]'': Chris ripped [[Sailor Megtune]] from here, obviously, among many other things.
* ''[[Samurai Pizza Bots|Samurai Pizza Cats]]'': In a spectacular display of unoriginality, even by Chris's standards, he swiped this title to give to CWCville's platoon of robot defenders. Apparently they deliver pizza in their off hours.
* ''[[Wikipedia:Serial Experiments Lain|Serial Experiments Lain]]'': Lainchu, a character that Chris created for the [[Watchmen]], was named after the main character, Lain Iwakura.
* ''[[Simonla Rosechu|Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann]]'': Simonchu and [[Simonla Rosechu]] were inspired by this series, although Chris probably doesn't realize that.
* ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'': Chris has made many fanmade ''Yu-Gi-Oh!'' cards depicting himself and his creations. In [[Sonichu 5|Sonichu #5]], Chris would depict [[Sarah Nicole Hammer]]'s husband-to-be, William Spicer, as a character from the cards.
* ''[[Wikipedia:YuYu Hakusho|YuYu Hakusho]]'': Chris's Zap Cannon attack in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] bears an uncanny resemblance to the protagonist's Reigan attack.

==''End of Evangelion''==
[[Ivy]] got Chris to see ''[[Wikipedia:The End of Evangelion|End of Evangelion]]'' as inspiration for finishing [[Sonichu 9]].<ref>[[PVCC]] post by Ivy's friend: Notable Favorite Parts of End of Eva 1. Misato/Kaji sex scene(Where you only saw feet) Reason: It made him feel that he was a big man and that he was watching no Kid's Cartoon. 2. The Rei Angels that were Kawaii Reason: Kawaii~ 3. The internal Struggles of 1 boy Reason: unknown Theory: Probably sees himself as Shinji being constantly trolled by Auska, ect. What is Chris' Summary of End of Eva: An generic tale of a boy's struggle for acceptance...a lot like him. What Chris thought he saw: Symbolisms(IN MY EVA?) What Christ didn't like about Eva 1. Everyone turns to orange tang juice Reason: Unknown, Chris fears Death? Everyone at least got to see their lover before they died(even if the love was 1 sided). But that would require chris to understand it. 2.Rei angels getting turned on by stabbing themselves. Reason: Unknown. 3. The Doom and Gloom end Reason: Cause Chris don't like the bad news. 4.Auska freaking out(I don't wanna die) Reason: Draw your own thesis. Chris has made no mention of Shinji fapping to to the comatose auska. Why? we don't know. Final Question. Did Chris even understand what he even saw? Answer: We're guessing no.</ref><ref name="Ivy">[[Ivy Q&A]]</ref>

Chris's summary: A generic tale of [[Tomgirl Pictures|a boy's struggle for acceptance]]… [[Chris and his Ego|a lot like him]]. Chris thought he saw symbolism (IN MY EVA?), [[Honor roll|but he's too stupid to see what it symbolized]].

Chris's favorite parts:
* The Misato and Kaji sex scene (where you saw only feet), because it made him feel that he was a big boy and that he was watching a no-kids cartoon.
* The Rei Angels that were kawaii and had boobs.
* The internal struggles of Shinji.

Chris didn't like:
* Asuka freaking out.
* Everyone turns to [[Fanta|orange tang juice]].
* Rei Angels [[Un-clit 2.0|getting turned on by stabbing themselves]].
* Rei melting everywhere.
* The unhappy ending, because as we all know, he can't stand anything that's even [[Stress|remotely depressing]].

Chris was familiar with ''Evangelion'' prior to watching the movie at Ivy's behest, "but not really a heavy watcher".<ref name="Ivy"/> Despite this, Chris owns a [http://myfigurecollection.net/item/83641 soap dish in the shape of the character Rei Ayanami], as [[:File:AMA3.jpg|pictured in his hotel at Anime-Mid Atlantic]] in 2005. It's likely that Chris saw this item at the convention, didn't even register the figure as an ''Evangelion'' character, and bought it because he thought a soap dish with a "hot anime chick" on it would make for a [[Mass debating|fun novelty item]].

==See also==
*[[Anime Wings]]
*[[Anime Mid-Atlantic]]
*[[Adult Swim]]
*[[Japanophilia]]
*''[[Shojo Beat]]''

==Fan video==

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = My Name is Christine Weston Chandler (Kira)
| video = {{#ev:youtube|EtNMUXDDO3M}}
| stardate =15 [[November 2019]]
| maker = Greystar2426
| subject = Anime
| type = Animation
| info =Parody of a [https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/my-name-is-yoshikage-kira famous monologue] from ''JoJo's Bizarre Adventure''
}}

==Sources==
<references />

[[Category:Hobbies]]
[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]
[[Category:Things Chris likes]]

Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!

2020-11-13T11:39:02Z

An alias: /* Reception and legacy */

[[Image:CWCHedgehogBoysCOMEBACKfront.jpg|thumb|right|A [[stress|long-awaited]] comeback album! Yay! ...wait a minute, this is only the ''second'' album?]]

'''''Christian & the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!''''' is the second album by [[Chris]]'s awful [[music]]al project, [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]]. It was released in [[2009]].

==Background==
After a four-year hiatus and buoyed by his new "relationship" with "[[Ivy]]", Christian & the Hedgehog Boys reunited to produce another album, and subject the world to yet more of Chris mumbling over various songs. His tastes appear to have expanded slightly: the first album consisted almost entirely of pop music from the late [[1990s]], but ''COMEBACK!'' branches out into genres such as rap, rock, disco, art pop, and R&B from the 1970s to today.

Notable also is the replacement of [[Wild Sonichu]] for [[Sonic]] on bass and [[Punchy Sonichu]] for [[Shadow]] on drums. While a newfag would think that Chris forgot that they were in the band, a true C&HB fan knows that Sonic left the band due to [[Chris and art|artistic]] differences, and is now pursuing a solo country music career, while [[Shadow]] died of a cocaine overdose. Also depicted is [[Layla|Layla Flaaffy]]; it was later revealed in the [[Ivy Q&A]] that Chris intended her to be the band's stage manager.

Because the album material was leaked by [[trolls]] rather than officially released, Christian does not consider it to be a [[TRUE and HONEST]] part of the Hedgehog Boys canon, as he revealed in a [[Mailbag]] correspondence with [[Wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] in 2009<ref>[[Mailbag 14#He's a real Nowhere Man|Mailbag 14]]</ref>. His apparent plan to eventually give his two CDs an official release as paid merchandise never got off the ground, likely due to [[stress]] (as well as [[Chris and copyright|copyright]]).

==Tracks==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
!
! Title
! Based on
!Subject
|-
| 1
| [[(Clyde's) Trollsta's Paradise]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Coolio|Coolio]] — "[[Wikipedia:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]"
| {{Trollsicon|text}}, {{Clyde|text}}
|-
| 2
| "[[CWC Like a Virgin]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] — "[[Wikipedia:Like a Virgin (song)|Like a Virgin]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 3
| "[[Feel Our Love At Play]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Berlin|Berlin]] — "[[Wikipedia:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 4
| "[[I Gotta Make My Move]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]] — "[[Wikipedia:Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?|Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 5
| "[[I'll Never Leave You, Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Kate Bush|Kate Bush]] — "[[Wikipedia:Wuthering Heights (song)|Wuthering Heights]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 6
| "[[Lovin' You]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Minnie Riperton|Minnie Riperton]] — "[[Wikipedia:Lovin' You|Lovin' You]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 7
| "[[Paradise By The Seashore Light (Crass and Champ's Thang Undersea)]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]] — "[[Wikipedia:Paradise by the Dashboard Light|Paradise by the Dashboard Light]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Crass and Champ|Crustaceans]]}}
|-
| 8
| "[[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]] — "[[Wikipedia:Dancing in the Dark (Bruce Springsteen song)|Dancing in the Dark]]"
| {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] & [[Layla Flaaffy|Layla]]}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 9
| "[[I'm Sexy For My Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Justin Timberlake|Justin Timberlake]] — "[[Wikipedia:SexyBack|SexyBack]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Ivy|text}}
|}

==Reception and legacy==
[[Image:Comeback.png|thumb|right|On that very day, all you would see is this. ''Truly'' amazing.]]
While critics applauded [[Chris]] for upgrading the quality of the [[Chris and music|music]] he shouts over from shithouse to slightly less shithouse, the album was an absolute bust, even in [[Molvanîa]] where Chris is lauded as a national pop icon.

Critics were also quick to notice how the audio quality on the album is ''even worse'' than on the last.

Fans of [[Wild Sonichu]]'s mastery of the Sit 'n Spin were disappointed to hear Wild being forced to play the inferior [[Gitar of Fail|guitar]], which may have affected the quality of his musical contributions. Fans also claimed that [[Punchy Sonichu]] could not live up to the legacy of Shadow the Hedgehog.

Despite this, retrospective appraisals have been more positive, and on COMEBACK!'s tenth anniversary, [[4chan]] users celebrated by spamming [https://pastebin.com/eKNmUN7a a copypasta] all over the Music board (/mu/). A reading of it can be found [https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/561485905781587970/565860951795040257/croatian_guy_reads_out_shitposts.mp3 here].

==ORIGINAL LYRICS==
'''DO NOT STEAL'''
<gallery>
Image:TrollstasParadise1.jpg|"Trollsta's Paradise"
Image:TrollstasParadise2.jpg
Image:FeelOurLoveAtPlay.jpg|"Feel Our Love At Play"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove1.jpg|"I Gotta Make My Move"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove2.jpg
Image:IllNeverLeaveYouIvy.jpg|"I'll Never Leave You, Ivy"
Image:PunchyandLaylasDanceInTheDark.jpg|"Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark"
Image:SexyForMyIvy1.jpg|"I'm Sexy For My Ivy"
Image:SexyForMyIvy2.jpg
</gallery>

== References ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://mega.co.nz/#!lVgnFCQQ!nrpH0QQr_S6sH2s8_unQLO8q6muwAjxGpdZz1YV-sRM Download the album] (Working Link as of 5/18/15)
{{Hedgehog Boys}}
[[Category: Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!]]
[[Category:Music]]

Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!

2020-11-13T11:36:43Z

An alias: /* Reception and legacy */

[[Image:CWCHedgehogBoysCOMEBACKfront.jpg|thumb|right|A [[stress|long-awaited]] comeback album! Yay! ...wait a minute, this is only the ''second'' album?]]

'''''Christian & the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!''''' is the second album by [[Chris]]'s awful [[music]]al project, [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]]. It was released in [[2009]].

==Background==
After a four-year hiatus and buoyed by his new "relationship" with "[[Ivy]]", Christian & the Hedgehog Boys reunited to produce another album, and subject the world to yet more of Chris mumbling over various songs. His tastes appear to have expanded slightly: the first album consisted almost entirely of pop music from the late [[1990s]], but ''COMEBACK!'' branches out into genres such as rap, rock, disco, art pop, and R&B from the 1970s to today.

Notable also is the replacement of [[Wild Sonichu]] for [[Sonic]] on bass and [[Punchy Sonichu]] for [[Shadow]] on drums. While a newfag would think that Chris forgot that they were in the band, a true C&HB fan knows that Sonic left the band due to [[Chris and art|artistic]] differences, and is now pursuing a solo country music career, while [[Shadow]] died of a cocaine overdose. Also depicted is [[Layla|Layla Flaaffy]]; it was later revealed in the [[Ivy Q&A]] that Chris intended her to be the band's stage manager.

Because the album material was leaked by [[trolls]] rather than officially released, Christian does not consider it to be a [[TRUE and HONEST]] part of the Hedgehog Boys canon, as he revealed in a [[Mailbag]] correspondence with [[Wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] in 2009<ref>[[Mailbag 14#He's a real Nowhere Man|Mailbag 14]]</ref>. His apparent plan to eventually give his two CDs an official release as paid merchandise never got off the ground, likely due to [[stress]] (as well as [[Chris and copyright|copyright]]).

==Tracks==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
!
! Title
! Based on
!Subject
|-
| 1
| [[(Clyde's) Trollsta's Paradise]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Coolio|Coolio]] — "[[Wikipedia:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]"
| {{Trollsicon|text}}, {{Clyde|text}}
|-
| 2
| "[[CWC Like a Virgin]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] — "[[Wikipedia:Like a Virgin (song)|Like a Virgin]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 3
| "[[Feel Our Love At Play]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Berlin|Berlin]] — "[[Wikipedia:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 4
| "[[I Gotta Make My Move]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]] — "[[Wikipedia:Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?|Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 5
| "[[I'll Never Leave You, Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Kate Bush|Kate Bush]] — "[[Wikipedia:Wuthering Heights (song)|Wuthering Heights]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 6
| "[[Lovin' You]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Minnie Riperton|Minnie Riperton]] — "[[Wikipedia:Lovin' You|Lovin' You]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 7
| "[[Paradise By The Seashore Light (Crass and Champ's Thang Undersea)]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]] — "[[Wikipedia:Paradise by the Dashboard Light|Paradise by the Dashboard Light]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Crass and Champ|Crustaceans]]}}
|-
| 8
| "[[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]] — "[[Wikipedia:Dancing in the Dark (Bruce Springsteen song)|Dancing in the Dark]]"
| {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] & [[Layla Flaaffy|Layla]]}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 9
| "[[I'm Sexy For My Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Justin Timberlake|Justin Timberlake]] — "[[Wikipedia:SexyBack|SexyBack]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Ivy|text}}
|}

==Reception and legacy==
[[Image:Comeback.png|thumb|right|On that very day, all you would see is this. ''Truly'' amazing.]]
While critics applauded [[Chris]] for upgrading the quality of the [[Chris and music|music]] he shouts over from shithouse to slightly less shithouse, the album was an absolute bust, even in [[Molvanîa]] where Chris is lauded as a national pop icon.

Critics were also quick to notice how the audio quality on the album is ''even worse'' than on the last.

Fans of [[Wild Sonichu]]'s mastery of the Sit 'n Spin were disappointed to hear Wild being forced to play the inferior [[Gitar of Fail|guitar]], which may have affected the quality of his musical contributions. Fans also claimed that [[Punchy Sonichu]] could not live up to the legacy of Shadow the Hedgehog.

Despite this, retrospective appraisals have been more positive, and on COMEBACK!'s tenth anniversary, [[4chan]] users celebrated by spamming [https://pastebin.com/eKNmUN7a a copypasta] all over the Music board (/mu/).

==ORIGINAL LYRICS==
'''DO NOT STEAL'''
<gallery>
Image:TrollstasParadise1.jpg|"Trollsta's Paradise"
Image:TrollstasParadise2.jpg
Image:FeelOurLoveAtPlay.jpg|"Feel Our Love At Play"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove1.jpg|"I Gotta Make My Move"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove2.jpg
Image:IllNeverLeaveYouIvy.jpg|"I'll Never Leave You, Ivy"
Image:PunchyandLaylasDanceInTheDark.jpg|"Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark"
Image:SexyForMyIvy1.jpg|"I'm Sexy For My Ivy"
Image:SexyForMyIvy2.jpg
</gallery>

== References ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://mega.co.nz/#!lVgnFCQQ!nrpH0QQr_S6sH2s8_unQLO8q6muwAjxGpdZz1YV-sRM Download the album] (Working Link as of 5/18/15)
{{Hedgehog Boys}}
[[Category: Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!]]
[[Category:Music]]

User:An alias

2020-11-13T11:30:22Z

An alias: Created page with "contact me at '''alias#1782''' The fact that so many books still name the Beatles as the "biggest or most important or most influential" rock band only tells you how far rock..."

contact me at '''alias#1782'''

The fact that so many books still name the Beatles as the "biggest or most important or most influential" rock band only tells you how far rock music is still becoming a serious art is.

Main Page

2020-11-10T12:32:36Z

An alias:

{| id="mp-topbanner" style="width:100%; background:#fcfcfc; margin-top:1.2em; border:1px solid #ccc;"
| style="width:100%; color:#000;" |

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<div style="font-size:162%; border:none; margin:0; padding:.1em; color:#000;">Welcome to the [[CWCki]]!</div>
<div style="top:+0.2em; font-size:95%;">The encyclopedia about [[Christian Weston Chandler]].</div>
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<div style="top:+0.2em; font-size:95%;">''Any names, or persons, discussed in this wiki, that may seem similar to anyone in real life, are purely coincidental, or otherwise [[parody|parodic]].''</div>
|}

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{| id="mp-upper" style="margin:0 0 0 0; background:none;"
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{| id="mp-left" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="5" style="width:100%; vertical-align:top; background:#f5fffa;"
| <h2 id="mp-dyk-h2" style="margin:0; background:#cef2e0; font-size:120%; font-weight:bold; border:1px solid #a3bfb1; text-align:left; color:#000; padding:0.2em 0.4em;">Article of the Week</h2>
|-
| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{Article of the now}}</div>
|-
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|-
| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{Coping Counter}}</div>
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| <h2 id="mp-dyk-h2" style="margin:0; background:#cef2e0; font-size:120%; font-weight:bold; border:1px solid #a3bfb1; text-align:left; color:#000; padding:0.2em 0.4em;">Begging Counter</h2>
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| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{Begging Counter}}</div>
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|-
| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{Christory}}</div>
|-
| <h2 id="mp-dyk-h2" style="margin:0; background:#cef2e0; font-size:120%; font-weight:bold; border:1px solid #a3bfb1; text-align:left; color:#000; padding:0.2em 0.4em;">Did You Know...</h2>
|-
| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{Did you know}}</div>
|}
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| class="MainPageBG" style="width:45%; border:1px solid #cedff2; background:#f5faff; vertical-align:top;"|
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|-
| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{Quote of the now}}</div>
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|-
| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{Da update}}</div>
|-
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|-
| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{CWCki News}}</div>
|-
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{| id="mp-left" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="5" style="width:100%; vertical-align:top; background:#faf5ff;"
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| style="color:#000;" | <div>{{Picture of the now}}</div>
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{| cellpadding="2" cellspacing="5" style="vertical-align:top; background:#FFE4B5; color:#000; width:100%"
| style="color:#000;" | {{Check this out}}
|}
|}


__NOTOC____NOEDITSECTION__

[[Category:Special]]

Joe Biden

2020-11-10T08:58:39Z

An alias:

{{Merge|Pmurt}}

{{quote|Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.|Joe Biden, 2019}}
{{infobox
| title = Joe Biden
| image =
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 =
|label3 = Date of Birth
|data3 = 20 November 1942 (age {{Age|1942|11|20}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = Senator, [[United States]] (1973-2009) Vice-President, [[United States]] (2009-2017) President, [[United States]] (2021-)
|label8 = Preceded by
|data8 = [[Donald Trump]]
|label9 = Succeeded by
|data9 =
}}

'''Joe Biden''' is an American politician, the Vice President of [[Barack Obama]], and the President-Elect after defeating [[Pmurt|Donald Trump]] in the 2020 election. He is due to become the 46th American president on 21 [[January 2021]] instead of [[The Simpsons|Lisa Simpson]], who [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] voted for and believes will become POTUS after the [[Dimensional Merge]] occurs (although he's more than happy to be rid of Trump).

==Vice-Presidency==
When asked what he thought about Biden in 2009, Chris said "Joe is doing what he can."<ref>[[Mailbag 17]]</ref>

In 2017, Chris posted "Yes! Go, Joe!" when commenting on a post about Biden's career.<ref>[[February 2017 Facebook Posts]]</ref>

==See also==
* [[Chris and politics]]
* [[Chris and English]]
* [[Death Threats]]

==References==
<references/>

==External links==

*[https://buildbackbetter.com/ Biden-Harris Transition Website]

{{People}}

[[Category:Politics]]

Pmurt

2020-11-10T08:51:14Z

An alias:

{{quote|Plus, Trump is just too damn rich And [[Chris and hypocrisy|immature]]. And "Trump" spelled backwards is "Pmurt", which rhymes with "Hurt", and he would badly "Pmurt" this country in office.|[[Chris]]}}

{{quote|Grab them by the pussy.|Donald Trump, 2005}}
{{infobox
| title = Donald Trump
| image = [[Image:Trump.jpg|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Donald John Trump
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 = Pmurt [[$50 for a video holiday greeting!|A Mean One]] [[March 2017 Facebook Posts|Number 45]] [[React to SNL 41-4 Darn Ol' Tramp 45|Darn Ol' Tramp]] Drumpf Drumpftastic
|label3 = Date of Birth
|data3 = 14 June 1946 (age {{Age|1946|6|14}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = Real estate developer Television host President, [[United States]] (2017-2021)
|label8 = Preceded by
|data8 = [[Barack Obama]]
|label9 = Succeeded by
|data9 = [[Joe Biden]]
}}

'''Pmurt''' is a [[CWC-ism]] for billionaire and current President of the United States '''{{w|Donald Trump|Donald Trump}}''' (born [[Pre-1980#1940s|14 June 1946]]). He initially pronounced it "murt", based on his opinion that the P is silent when the name is said backwards;<ref>[[Something Completely Different - A few Transformers Jokes, also anti-Pmurt]]</ref> however, in [[Eid, Pmurt, Eid|Eid, Pmurt, Eid!!!]], he pronounced the P.

Starting in the latter half of 2016, Chris started to become vocal about his intense dislike of Pmurt on Facebook. In spite of how passionate he feels about Pmurt, Chris's understanding of contemporary politics continues to be exceptionally poor. On 8 November 2016, Chris participated in the US presidential election and voted for [[Barack Obama#White House gag|Hillary Clinton]].<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Chris and Barb vote for Hillary]]</ref> Following news that Trump had won the election, Chris reacted by making multiple death threats against him and Vice President {{w|Mike Pence|Mike Pence}}, which is actually [[Chris and the law|against the law]].

Since encountering the [[Idea Guys]], however, Chris has largely lost interest in politics in favor of engaging in his [[messiah complex]], and as such, has mostly forgotten about Trump. He never addressed his impeachment, which seems odd considering that it was the closest he came to being removed from office early. Nonetheless, Chris slowly became more interested in the 2020 election in the final weeks before election day, particularly after Trump contracted [[COVID-19]]. After a drawn-out election in 2020, it was determined that Trump would lose his re-election bid and would be succeeded by [[Joe Biden]].

__TOC__

{{clear}}

==Meaning of the name==
{{quote|Well, at least MY face ain't fuckin' orange!|Chris, [[DivineTrial|several]] [[At Least My Face Is Not F3c7ing Orange|separate]] occasions before 2016}}
[[File:Pmurt Dlanod.png|thumb|This is what Chris probably believes.]]

This CWC-ism comes from a [[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote|Facebook comment from 25 September]] (partially quoted above), in which Chris says that "Trump spelled backwards is "Pmurt", [[Random Access Humor|which rhymes with hurt, and that Trump would badly "Pmurt" the US if elected]]".

Reversing Trump’s name has twofold meanings. Firstly, names are particularly sacred to Chris;<ref>[[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!]]</ref><ref>[[To Clyde Gregg]]</ref><ref>[[Exposing Jeff]]</ref> in his eyes, mocking someone's name will severely degrade them—this article will establish that Chris has enormous disdain for Donald Trump. Secondly, Chris has historically assumed that saying something backwards induces subliminal stimuli<ref>[[U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L]]</ref>—which he believes are enormously influential on the psyche ''and'' the physical body.<ref>[[Subliminal Frequency Hypnosis]]</ref> Therefore, Chris may believe reversing Trump's name, in a negative context, might effectively alter his audience's perception of him. Beyond the random-access humor, Chris probably thinks his rendition of Trump’s name is a serious presidential objection that everyone needs to consider.

Chris continued using this backwards name in subsequent Facebook posts and videos.

==Opposition to Trump==
[[File:CWCiki IntroductionPMURT.jpg|thumb|The changed banner on the CWCki front page just after Pmurt's election.]]
{{quote|You have Got to be kidding! Trump is most [[Chris and hypocrisy|Immature]], [[My Little Pony|Uncouth]], and [[Chris and reality|Not Valid to be president]]. Trump will ONLY make the Country go [[Financhu Crisis|BROKE]], as Groening predicted, and ALL the money will ONLY go to his own debtors and the Fat Cat Rich People, and Hardly ANY for us in the middle class and below. Not to mention he is Anti-[[SLGBTQ|LGBTQ]], Anti-Immigrants, he [[Women's rights|puts down Women VERY BAD]], and he is an all-around Bad Person.

Hillary will [[Monthly tugboat|Tax the Fat Cats and fill the middle class]] and lower and get the country less in debt. And She is PRO-LGBTQ and [[Niggos|Immigrants]], AND She is more beneficial for EVERYONE in General. AND, this country is long Overdue for a Woman's touch.

You should Watch ALL Three Debates On YouTube. I'll send you the links in chronological Order.|Chris<ref>[[Misc texts#Anti-Pmurt]]</ref>}}

Chris has historically never had any real interest in politics. Combined with his general indifference towards anything intellectual in favor [[Video games|of]] [[Lego|nobler]] [[Mass debating|pursuits]], it's perplexing that Trump's involvement in politics would concern Chris as much as it does. Speculation has suggested a more personal root to Chris's animosity. As Chris’s view of politics effectively begins and ends with himself, the true root of his anger lies somewhere in the bramble bush of his [[Chris and psychology|confused psyche]].

For one thing, Chris is highly [[Naive|impressionable]]. As discussed later on this page, the LGBT blogs and groups he follows on Facebook have a negative opinion of Trump, as they generally do with most right-wing politicians due to their left-wing biases. Going off of the minimal amount of information he's absorbed from said blogs, Chris has said that he is afraid of what a Trump presidency could mean for him and his [[Tomgirl|lesbian soul]]. This is in addition to the general trend among popular culture and major-media outlets, which has also been severely critical of Trump. Considering how Chris [[Family Guy|takes things he sees in media at face value]], it makes sense that he would readily and eagerly accept these sentiments without a second thought.

Chris has shown that he picks his candidates based on who he can identify with more. On account of his [[Chris and gender|gender confusion]] and [[JERKS|dislike of men]], Hillary Clinton was far more attractive to him simply because she was a woman. The evidence for this is overwhelming, especially considering that he once compared her with Sarah Palin.<ref>[[Update 02/16/2016]]</ref> This is also consistent with Chris’s fondness of [[George W. Bush|George W. Bush]] and [[Barack Obama|Barack Obama]], both of whom he voted for because he liked them personally.

Especially salient to this discussion is the mentality behind Chris’s [[Brand loyalty|brand loyalty]]. Once Chris picks a [[PS3|side]] on something, he will defend that side no matter what due [[Naive|to a]] [[Chris and reality|misplaced sense of]] [[Autism|rigid devotion]]. This time the side he picked has down and out lost. Chris has been legally able to vote since February 24th, 2000. He's never mentioned voting for a losing candidate in a presidential election before. It's possible that his explosive anger is based partially in the fact that his favored candidate didn't come out on top this time.

Chris has provided the following reasons for why he dislikes Trump. It’s unclear how many of these are his actual opinions and not just things he’s parroting from what he’s heard on the internet. As the astute of you will quickly notice, many of the negative qualities he accuses Trump of having are ones that [[Chris and Hypocrisy|he himself possesses]].

===On character===

*He "[[Death threats|is very spiteful]]".<ref>[[July 2016 Facebook posts#Christine's Driver's License and Woman's Card]]</ref>

*He is an "[[Chris|immature brat]] who mocks everyone".<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote]]</ref>

*He "was a [[Autism|one-track tape]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|repeating himself]] [[Honor Roll|on pat [sic] deeds]] [[CADD|that he was "proud"(?)]] of".<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#"Thoughts" on the debate]]</ref>

*He is "[[Chris and anger|hot-headed]], [[Chris and money#Chris and impulse spending|impulsive]], [[Clyde Cash|orange-faced]], [[Chris and money#Barb's toxic influence|money-grubbing]], [[Barbara Chandler|double-dealing]], [[Chris and race|immigrant and race offensive]], and most offensive [on] [[Homos|the LGBTQ]]".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

*He "[[Gal Pal E-mails 4#OkCupid - She's overweight and unappealing|puts down Women VERY BAD]]".<ref>[[Misc texts#Anti-Pmurt]]</ref>

*His "[[Megan emails, 2008#Chris continues bothering her about ED|Womanizing and raping actions]]".

*He is a [[Jerk|male]]. In February 2016, Chris said, "I feel like American [sic] needs a woman's touch finally after all these years"<ref>[[Update 02/16/2016]]</ref> as a reason for why he wanted Hillary Clinton [[Women's Rights|to become president]]. On 20 November, he stated Trump "is of SOO Many Typical Offensive MALE Stereotypes, he probably was born with Two damned "Y" Chromosomes instead of the usual "XY" pair".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

*He is "[[Chris and Reality|Not Valid to be president]]".<ref>[[Misc texts#Anti-Pmurt]]</ref>

Interestingly, both Trump and Chris have been accused of sexual harassment. While Trump's allegations have not been proven, Chris has [[Megan|had the]] [[Kacey|claims regarding]] [[Catherine|him confirmed]].

===On the issues===

*He "Wants [[Chris and race|the immigrants to build their own "Keep Out" wall so [he] would kick them all out]]".<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote]]</ref>

*He has "ideals of [[Chris and money|cutting finances]] from all of the more important resources the country needs in communities and feeding the industries from the National Debt. And he acted against the immigrants in that topic as well; [[Monthly Tugboat|they have to work too, you know]]".<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#"Thoughts" on the debate]]</ref>

*He "will ONLY make the Country go BROKE, as Groening predicted, and [[Chris and Money#Bank lawsuits against Barb|ALL the money will ONLY go to his own debtors]] and the Fat Cat Rich People, and [[Financhu Crisis|Hardly ANY for us in the middle class and below]]" and "Hillary will Tax the Fat Cats and fill the middle class and lower and get the country less in debt".<ref>[[Misc texts#Anti-Pmurt]]</ref>

===On issues relevant to Chris===
[[File:Pence.png|thumb]]
*LGBTQ

Chris is especially paranoid in his belief that Trump and Pence "hate" the LGBTQ community.<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote]]</ref>

Chris has said he does "not just despise Trump and Pence, but as a Leabian [sic] Transwoman, and high-functioning autistic person, I fear, too, what would happen with those two God-damned jerks in the White House". In addition, he said, "I fear the loss of my own rights alongside our other LGBTQ community people's as well".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence]]</ref>

However, he has been vague in explaining ''why'' any policies they might implement would affect him. Chris does not face discrimination in the workforce, or in society ([[Chris and the law|at least not from being transgender]]). Over 3 years into their term, Trump and Pence have yet to criminalize the LGBT community and/or allow widespread discrimination of them. Sure, the Republican Party is mostly anti-LGBT, but they know that doing such a stunt would be a political suicide. LGBT rights were admittedly a thorny issue going into the 2016 election, likely due to same-sex marriage only having been legalized throughout the country via a Supreme Court ruling the previous year; however, the president cannot unilaterally override a Supreme Court decision, and even the more conservative justices appointed by Trump during his term are highly unlikely to strike down the earlier ruling, as the court historically has refrained from making decisions which deprive large groups of individuals of their rights, due to such decisions (relating to African-Americans and slavery) in the early-mid 19th century being seen as a major cause of the American Civil War.

Although he's released conflicting statements on the matter, Trump has expressed some progressive ideas regarding transgender issues. Chris is aware of this, but still refuses to give Trump credit, saying he is "most offensive to us in the LGBTQ communities, regardless of his Transgender bathroom choice statement".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>. In any case, the only anti-LGBT thing Trump has done as president is barring transgender people from the military, it's not like LGBT people would simply poof out the moment Trump was inaugurated as Chris assumed.

Chris also criticized Pence, saying that "[[Chris and politics|Pence is just as much Anti LGBTQ and everything else that Trump is]], so my feelings are the same with that rat bastard as well, very much".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>. His criticism of Pence, however, is a little more understandable, since has indeed promoted anti-LGBT policies and is firmly against same-sex marriage, like any average Republican.

*[[Monthly tugboat|The tugboat]]

Trump has been critical of welfare in the past and throughout his campaign.<ref>http://www.ontheissues.org/2016/Donald_Trump_Welfare_+_Poverty.htm</ref> Should he find Congress agreeable, one of his aims may be to pass legislation limiting welfare’s funding and availability. Chris is dimly cognizant of this and fears that he may end up finding his tugboat reduced or even completely taken away. As of 2020, neither Trump nor Congress have passed any legislation in the matter, and the chance of that happening is very unlikely considering Congress is currently partly controlled by Trump's opposition. Chris continues the receive the tugboat without any problems.

On 14 November, he stated:<ref>[[[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows]]</ref>

{{quotebox|they would drain money from [[Monthly Tugboat|SSI]], making my mother and I closer to broke.}}

In truth, what makes Chris and Barb closer to broke is ''[[Financhu Crisis|themselves]]''. Given the rapid decline in their finances, he was hoping Hillary Clinton's policies would increase his tugboat revenue, [[Naive| if not bail the Chandlers out entirely]].

Chris has adamantly refused to budge on his anti-Trump positions. On 20 November, after radio silence following Lizzy the Lezzy readers and his Facebook friends criticizing him for his repeated death wishes, he said, "there is Nothing, nor any amount of time or whatever else, that would make it the cold day in the earth's core to Ever make me have even a remote inkling of a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma of any change of feeling or heart of mine about Trump ever".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

==Chris's news sources==
On Facebook, Chris routinely browses pages on LGBTQ culture, such as Lizzy the Lezzy. In the wake of the 2016 election, many of those pages became inundated with articles written with a clear anti-Trump angle. Chris forms and reinforces his opinions on Trump based on those articles, rating many of them "Angry". Examples of the pages Chris reacted to can be seen [https://kiwifarms.net/attachments/screenshot-www-facebook-com-2016-11-13-05-02-12-png.153431/ here] and [https://kiwifarms.net/attachments/screenshot-www-facebook-com-2016-11-13-19-08-04-png.153440/ here].

It's likely that Chris simply skims headlines or opening paragraphs without taking the time to read the articles. The second example was taken one hour after Chris posted to [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence|a Lizzy the Lezzy comments section]];<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/fb-11-13-chris-hates-and-fears-trump-and-pence.25777/page-2#post-1878273</ref> given that he was also busy with responding to its readers, it is impossible for him to have thoroughly read the articles. That Chris can't be bothered to learn more about the issues he apparently feels so seized with emotion over is emblematic of his [[Chris and Ego|arrogance]], [[Honor roll|stupidity]], and [[Stress|laziness]]. Chris refuses to even try to understand the issues at hand and so his understanding of Trump and American politics is consequently abysmal.

Chris has also [[Honor Roll|cited an episode of The Simpsons]] as one of his major sources for being anti-Trump,<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote]]</ref> which is appropriate considering [[Chris and television|one of the ways he wastes his time]] in lieu of acting like a functional adult.

==Anti-Trump petitions==
Chris has signed several online petitions in an effort to prevent Trump from assuming the presidency.

*[https://act.credoaction.com/sign/russell_amendment A petition opposing the "anti-LGBTQ Russell Amendment"]

{{quotebox|On January 20, Donald Trump and Mike Pence are going to enter the White House.

They campaigned on a platform of hatred, bigotry, racism, misogyny, and xenophobia...

...[The Russell Amendment] would reverse existing nondiscrimination protections for 28 million people in the federal contracting workforce. That means employers could fire someone or refuse to give them a job because they have a same sex partner, use birth control, are a single mother, are transgender or even simply don’t practice the same religion as their employer.}} Of course, Chris supported this petition—probably because it disparages Trump and references the transgender community. It's unlikely he actually read or understood its contents.

*[https://www.change.org/p/electoral-college-electors-electoral-college-make-hillary-clinton-president-on-december-19 A petition calling on the Electoral College to disregard the election and install Hillary Clinton into the presidency]

Chris also signed this petition, in the hopes that on 19 December 2016, the Electoral College would "ignore" the results of the 2016 Presidential election since Clinton won the popular vote. This did not happen.

==Death threats==
[[Image:Feelings of the election results (720p 30fps H264-192kbit AAC).mp400001.png|thumb|Chris, wishing for Donald Trump's death.]]

Chris's hatred of Trump is so great that he made four videos of himself role-playing acts of violence on him with ''[[Transformers]]'', ''[[My Little Pony]]'' and ''[[Lego]]'' toys, with two of those occurring before the election,<ref>[[September 2016 Paid Video Requests#Paid Message to the Trolls]]</ref><ref>[[Something Completely Different - A few Transformers Jokes, also anti-Pmurt]]</ref> including one where he destroyed [[List of toys#Transformers: Titans Return|a Transformers toy]], further showing his lack of [[Chris and money|financial]] [[Financhu Crisis|sense]].

'''Timeline'''

On 9 November 2016, Chris began making several enraged [[death threats]] against the then President-elect. He continued his tirade in the following days, adding Vice President Mike Pence to his death prayers on 10 November, in spite of the possibility that it could land him in serious legal trouble. According to [http://uscode.house.gov/view.xhtml?path=/prelim@title18/part1/chapter41&edition=prelim United States code], a threat against the President is punishable by a fine and/or a maximum of five years in prison.

Chris has gotten himself into [[Chris and the law|legal trouble]] multiple times in the past, to the point that he has six misdemeanors on his record, with four of those stemming from assault crimes. He is also having [[Financhu Crisis|financial trouble]]. Only time will tell how far Chris pushes his luck with his repeated calls for Trump and Pence to die.

Given that Chris's address is public knowledge, the possibility of the Secret Service visiting and interrogating him for his threats and then forcing him to not divulge anything should not be ruled out.

[[Image:Legotrumppence.jpg|thumb|left|Trump and Pence depicted being murdered in Lego form by Chris, part of a line of his perceived enemies who have been the subject of his [[September 2013 Facebook Posts#Voodoo-Wise|voodoo-magic]] [[Gal Pal E-mails 4#OkCupid and Impotent Rage|revenge fantasies]].]]

===2016===
'''9 November'''

*3:28 am - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Chris wants Trump assassinated|posts on Facebook]] that he wants someone to assassinate Trump with a sniper rifle. Chris's Twitter account automatically tweets the post. Throughout the day, many [[Chris in the media#Death threats against Trump|high-profile Twitter users]] retweet the post. Several Twitter users say that they reported him to the FBI and Secret Service.<ref>http://archive.is/bHnGQ</ref>

*3:39 am - Chris [[Eid, Pmurt, Eid|uploads a YouTube video]] depicting him smashing a ''Transformers'' toy in effigy of Trump, while screaming "die!"

*3:40 am - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Eid, Pmurt, Eid!!!|posts on Facebook]] again. He links to the YouTube video and says Trump "should Die now" before taking office. The post is also tweeted by his Twitter account.

*5:15 am - The "sniper rifle" death threat disappears from Facebook.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/chris-calls-for-the-assassination-of-our-dear-leader.25664/page-4#post-1865911</ref>

*8:30 am - An Infowars.com [http://www.infowars.com/hillary-supporters-burn-american-flag-riot-threaten-to-kill-trump-after-losing-election/ article], featuring Chris's death threat in tweet form, is published.

*11 pm - The same threat disappears from Twitter.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/chris-calls-for-the-assassination-of-our-dear-leader.25664/page-14#post-1869300</ref>

'''10 November'''
*4:07 am - Chris [[Twitter#10 November 2016.1|tweets]] the Infowars article.

*4:23 am - Chris [[Twitter#10 November 2016.2|tweets]] that he wants his audience to join him in wishing death to the then President-elect Trump before January 2017.

*6:53 pm - Chris again [[Twitter#10 November 2016.3|tweets]] to pray for Trump's death. He also prays for then Vice President-elect Mike Pence's death. He then links to [https://act.credoaction.com/sign/russell_amendment a petition] from Credo Action, concerning the "anti-LGBTQ Russell Amendment".

'''13 November'''
*2:06 am - Chris [[Feelings of the election results|uploads a YouTube video]] in which he uses Legos to role-play Mike Pence murdering Trump and getting arrested. He then holds up a sheet of paper, with the handwritten words (backwards and facing himself):

<center>{{quotebox|(Before January 2017) Die, Trump, die, or by illness, by Mike Pence's hand.}}</center>

*2:36 am - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Feelings of the election results|posts on Facebook]] about being annoyed by leftover Trump/Pence campaign signs. It is unknown whether or not Chris will [[Sonic Boom Protests|take down the signs himself]].

*5:06 am - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Feelings of the election results|posts on Facebook]], linking to the Infowars article. He then tries to justify his behavior by saying, "I'm not the only one who wants him dead".

*9:17 pm - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence|posts]] to the Lizzy the Lezzy comment section, asking the readers to pray for Trump and Pence's deaths "before Thanksgiving". Many people respond, trying to talk sense into him, to no avail.

'''14 November'''
*12:53 pm - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows|posts a picture to Facebook]] depicting Lego versions of Trump and Pence being executed by hanging, while handcuffed. The text on the photo reads:

<center>{{quotebox|Die, Trump, Die. Die, Pence, Die.

We do not want either of you in office; jail for you both is unlikely; We, the LGBTQ community, do not want to lose our protection and rights}}</center>

*1:16 pm - Chris follows up by commenting that, since prison is "unlikely" and impeachment is "difficult" then "Death upon those two before January, 2017, at this time and point is a necessary evil".

*3:07 pm - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#I'm done adulting|posts]], saying "[[Chris and reality|Trump is Not president, mayor, or Anything in Cwcville]]".

*7:30 pm - The execution-by-hanging post, and the associated comments, disappears from Facebook.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/11-14-16-chris-simulates-murder-with-legos.25791/page-7#post-1880108</ref>

'''15 November'''

*10:44 pm - Chris [[I Tweet AND Post Simultaneously|announces]] Facebook had temporarily banned him from posting for a week.

'''20 November'''

*5:00 am - Chris, in [[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...|a 22-tweet long rant]], makes several childish insults and says he had given his "issues and feelings of Trump some thought". He claims that they are "justified". He ends his rant by complaining about Twitter's 140-character limit.

'''2 December'''
[[File:Alpha TrionYoung warrior challenge explained.mp400001.png|thumb|Playing [[God]].]]

*5:51 pm - Chris uploads [[Alpha Trion/"Young" warrior challenge explained]]. He role-plays Trump, Pence and Clinton using Legos:

{{quotebox|So [[Chris and english|advocate]] the office, Trump! Advocate the position. And then maybe I'll take you down off of that noose.}}

'''29 December'''

*1:11 am - Chris [[December 2016 Facebook posts#Advocate or die, Trump!|returns to posting death threats against Donald Trump]] on Facebook. In response to an article on Trump and the {{w|First Amendment Defense Act|First Amendment Defense Act}}, Chris commented, "ADVOCATE THE OFFICE, TRUMP, or Die, Trump, Die!!!"

*1:43 am - Chris [[December 2016 Facebook posts#A puzzler for Trump|posts a puzzler]] for Trump. He asks Trump to consider a scenario wherein there is an alternate reality where everyone is gender-flipped and an "Anti-Straight Law" is proposed. He asks if Trump would support a law that is against the "Donald Trump(ette)" of that world. He ends by threatening Trump again: "#DonaldTrump, Advocate the Office and let Hillary Clinton run this country, For the Love of Religion, and for any shred of Self-Love you have for yourself. Or die from yours or someone else's hand."

Chris later proofread both posts, editing ''advocate'' to ''abdicate''. However, he did not tone down the death threats.

===2017===
'''4 January'''

*8:34 am - Chris [[Twitter#Tweeting a death threat to Trump|tweets]] the link for his [[December 2016 Facebook posts#A puzzler for Trump|puzzler]] to Trump's Twitter account, with the death threat still intact.

*6:03 pm - For the second time, Chris [[Twitter#Tweeting a death threat to Trump again|tweets]] his [[December 2016 Facebook posts#A puzzler for Trump|puzzler]] to Trump.

'''20 January'''

*10:54 pm - Chris reacts to news on the inauguration of President Trump on [[The United States of America has NO President or Vice President, Whatsoever|YouTube]], [[January 2017 Facebook Posts#USA has no president or vice president|Facebook]] and [[2017 tweets#January|Twitter]]. He insists that the USA has no President or Vice President, taking the "#NotMyPresident" hashtag [[Autism|a step further]] by stating that he will see "an empty chair with no audible speech whatsoever". To cap it off, he says his mind will not be changed until either Trump and Pence leave voluntarily or they "are both deceased".

===Chris on his death threats===
Chris has attempted to rationalize his constant calls for Trump and Pence's deaths and to reconcile his violent attitude with him being "bothered" that he has to "resort to death wishing on Anyone".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows]]</ref>

After Chris suggested to the readers of Lizzy the Lezzy (a LGBTQ Facebook page) to wish death on Trump and Pence, they instead criticized him for saying such "stupid" things.

One person said, "wishing death on people you don't like doesn't exactly make you look like a better person in comparison". Chris replied by saying that, with Trump and Pence in office, it would then be difficult to "impeach them and get Hillary in".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence]]</ref>

Chris has shifted on how he wants Trump to die. Upon learning of the election results, he wanted someone to kill Trump with "a sniper rifle".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Chris wants Trump assassinated]]</ref> The next day, he asked [[Chris and religion|God]] to do it.<ref>[[Twitter#10 November 2016.2]]</ref> Days later, he wanted Mike Pence to murder him.<ref>[[Feelings of the election results]]</ref> He also believed it was possible that Trump will die from old age before inauguration day,<ref>[[Feelings of the election results]]</ref> and that Clinton would not, since "Men die earlier than women".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence]]</ref> Inexplicably, Chris also wants "science" to kill Trump.<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

Chris has considered the notion of Trump and Pence going to prison, but has concluded that "Prison is unlikely for them, how difficult impeachment is, what other option is there?" He believes Trump should be jailed "for all of his [[Emily|sexual]] [[Catherine|assaults]] and rape on women".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows]]</ref>

He would prefer for Trump and Pence to simply hand over their democratically-elected positions, saying to "give the role of President, with most civil grace to Hillary Clinton. And since that is most bloody unlikely of Trump, ever, I am still most pained to continue having to pray for Trump's and Pence's Deaths to happen Before January, 2017, by someone else's hands or illness".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref> Chris further demonstrated his lack of political understanding in a post on 4 December, in which he said that Trump should "advocate the position, and take Pence with him, and let Hillary be President, as it should Very Well Be".<ref>[[December 2016 Facebook posts#Pmurt should advocate the presidency]]</ref> Chris likely has the word ''advocate'' confused with ''abdicate'', which is a term he might have heard in [[Anne Boleyn|British TV shows]] - it's a term typically used in reference to a monarchy.

Due to his [[Autism|stubbornness]], Chris has refused to budge from his anti-Pmurt positions, even after Lizzy the Lezzy's readers ''and'' his Facebook friends criticized him for his repeated death threats. On 20 November, he stated, "I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified", followed by saying, "As much as I would like to choose to be rednecked and stubborn enough to plead complete ignorance and utter denial of him and Pence not only on the verge of taking office, there is still too many damn visuals about the bastards that plain further frustrate and upset me".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

Unfortunately for Chris, he simply forms his opinions via skimming clickbait articles whose authors are inclined to disagree with Trump. Due to his [[Announcement 06292016|untreated autism]], he hasn't attempted to do any research of his own on what Trump and Pence have said. Instead, he opts to live on in willful ignorance, putting no effort into enriching himself with knowledge and getting fanatically emotional about matters he barely understands. It's to the point that he believed "Death upon [Trump and Pence] before January, 2017, at this time and point [was] a necessary evil".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows]]</ref>.

==2020 election==
{{Split Off|section|2020 United States presidential election}}

{{quote|Right on! I say No to Drumpftastic [[Mathematics|infinity squared]].|Chris, giving support to the Biden/Harris campaign in response to Jason Alexander's endorsement.<ref>[[October 2020 social media posts#No to Drumpftastic]]</ref>}}
[[File:YangGang.png|thumb|left|For a time, Chris was part of the Yang Gang.]]

By the time he encountered the Idea Guys, Chris had shifted his focus from being invested in following LGBT+ groups to being invested in his [[Chris and coping|imaginary world]]. Without the influence from LGBT groups, Chris seemed to have left his hatred of Trump and his interest in politics behind, preferring to occupy himself with his [[polyamorous marriage]]s and alternate [[dimensions]]. Nonethelss, Chris vocalized his support for Andrew Yang in [[October 2019]], during the lead-up to the Democratic Party primaries to select a nominee for President. Conversely, he practically ignored any and all news concerning Trump's impeachment in [[December 2019]] and the months that followed, which demonstrated Chris's comparative lack of interest in politics at this point in time. After all, the impeachment process would have been the earliest point that he could have been removed in office besides January 2021, presuming that he lost his 2020 re-election bid (which he eventually did).

However, Chris did become more engaged with politics much closer to the 2020 election, starting around the time that news that Donald Trump contracted [[COVID-19]] got out. Taking to [[October 2020 social media posts|social media]] during [[October 2020]], he replied to [[Ben Saint]] to dispel his claims that Chris was responsible for Trump's ailment; Chris also took a moment to proclaim that COVID-19 would '''not''' be the cause Trump's demise, but that his end will come by other means, as [[Eid, Pmurt, Eid|his death]] is foretold as part of Chris's own [[Dimensional Merge]] prophecies. He then vocalized support for Democratic Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates Joe Biden and Kamala Harris a few days later, after their respective debates against Donald Trump and Mike Pence, ensuring that they received the critical Sonichu vote in the election. Chris also appreciated the schadenfreude of someone reportedly hacking into Trump's [[Twitter]] account after it was reported to have very minimal security protection.

True to Chris's prophecy, Trump appears to have recovered from his infection since being diagnosed with COVID-19. That being said, whether or not that will last is in question due to the amount of drugs that he's being filled with to suppress the symptoms, along with other factors like his age, [[obesity]], history of substance abuse, and unwillingness to rest in favor of going back on the campaign trail affecting his body's ability to fight off the infection, particularly since this strain of the Coronavirus has often come and gone in waves in patients who are faced with serious symptoms.

It should also be noted that Chris actually believes that {{w|Lisa Simpson}} will become POTUS after the [[Dimensional Merge]] takes place<ref>[[Discord Q&A 5#Operation of CWCville's Government]]</ref> regardless of how the 2020 election plays out. This belief presumably takes its influence from "{{w|Bart to the Future}}", the episode of ''[[The Simpsons]]'' set years in the future in which Lisa succeeds Donald Trump's fictional administration, which substantially increased the national [[debt]] before she took office. Amusingly, Kamala Harris has been compared to Lisa Simpson (along with her mother, [[The Simpsons#Marge poster|Marge]]) by her political opponents. However, the events of "Bart to the Future" are not predictive, despite numerous viral videos promoting such misconception. Donald Trump considered running for the job in 1999, one year before the episode aired, and the first of the six bankruptcies to affect his businesses occurred in 1991.<ref>https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/simpsons-predict-trump</ref>

The actual election arrived on November 3, after weeks of early voting: the winner was unusually not declared overnight, due to a combination of high voter turnout and a large increase of {{w|Postal voting in the United States|postal votes}} as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic.<ref>https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2020-54800337</ref> Despite Chris’s opposition to Trump, and the uncertainty of the election, he tweeted that he would [[Honor roll|vote for Lisa Simpson]], likely due to his belief that she would lead the nation after the Merge.<ref>[[November 2020 social media posts##LisaSimpson2020]]</ref> Provisional results indicate that Chris may be one of only two {{w|write-in candidate|write-in}} voters in Ruckersville. There's an outside chance that he somehow convinced [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] to vote for Lisa as well.<ref>[https://results.elections.virginia.gov/vaelections/2020%20November%20General/Site/Locality/GREENE_COUNTY/President_and_Vice_President.html Unofficial Election Results], Virginia Department of Elections</ref>

Regardless of whether or not Chris really wasted his vote on Lisa Simpson, Biden then won Virginia later that night by nearly ten points, with the next few days of news reporting revolving around who won the states of Alaska, Nevada, Arizona, Wisconsin, Michigan, Georgia, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania, a handful of which would determine the victor of the {{w|United States Electoral College|Electoral College}} and therefore the Presidency. From November 4 onward, Biden won Wisconsin and Michigan and had substantive leads in Nevada and Arizona, while absentee ballots being counted indicated that he could win in Georgia and Pennsylvania as well; therefore, he was deemed likely to win the national election after all ballots are returned, ensuring that Trump is a one-term POTUS in spite of the latter's preemptive declaration of victory. (Eventually, Biden would overtake Trump in Georgia and Pennsylvania alike while retaining his leads in Nevada and Arizona, getting more than enough electoral votes than the 270 minimum needed to become POTUS.) Chris has yet to address the events of the election, aside from commenting "Yup." on a video where Senator Bernie Sanders explained to Jimmy Fallon that it would take days to count the ballots in some states.

On November 7, the election was finally called for Joe Biden. Per the transition process, Donald Trump will have to leave the White House on January 20, 2021 and Joe Biden will be inaugregated that very day.

==See also==
* [[Chris and politics]]
* [[Chris and English]]
* [[Death Threats]]

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.whitehouse.gov/administration/president-trump Official White House Website]

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{PoliticalVideos}}
{{People}}
[[Category:CWC-isms]]
[[Category:Things Chris hates]]
[[Category:Politics]]
[[Category:Trolls]]

Barack Obama

2020-11-10T08:49:30Z

An alias:

{{quote|I have no more campaigns to run. ''*clapping ensues*'' I know 'cuz I won both of 'em.|Barack Obama, 2015}}

{{quote|I think he’s a regular stand up [[Family Guy|family guy]].|Chris on Obama, [[Rollin' and Trollin']]}}

{{quote|Who would you vote for; a war hero that you couldn't feel that much for, or the guy who you feel like is similar to you in social dilemnas?|[[IRC (18 December 2008)|Chris on voting for whoever reminds him of himself]]}}

{{infobox
| title = Barack Obama
| image = [[Image:Obama.jpg|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Barack Hussein Obama II
|label2 = Date of Birth
|data2 = 4 August 1961 (age {{Age|1961|8|4}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = [[Niggo|Black]]
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = President, [[United States]] (2009-2017)
|label8 = Preceded by
|data8 = [[George W. Bush]]
|label9 = Succeeded by
|data9 = [[Pmurt|Donald Trump]]
}}

'''Barack Hussein Obama''' (born [[Pre-1980#1960s|4 August 1961]]) was the 44th President of the [[United States of America]]. He was preceded by [[George W. Bush]] and was succeeded by [[Donald Trump]] on 20th January, 2017.

He appears briefly in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]] in episode 17, painting the White House black. There was a popular joke where he did so after winning the presidential office. Chris obviously took this joke way too seriously, even [[Christian Weston Chandler Interview|believing it]] as an actual rumor about Obama.

Chris, while initially disliking Obama, felt he and Obama were much a lot alike, in that they were both discriminated against, essentially equating [[Kick the Autistic]] with actual racial discrimination. Chris admitted that after watching the [[Wikipedia:A&E Network|A&E]] documentary on Obama and [[Wikipedia:John McCain|John McCain]], he decided to vote for Obama because he felt he had more in common with him. In other words, Chris had no interest in or understanding of any of the campaign issues or the candidates' opinions on them.

Chris did a prearranged interview in the video [[Rollin' and Trollin']] where he spoke about how he liked Obama and made no mention of painting the White House black.

On New Year's Eve 2009, Chris claimed to have "snail-mailed" Barack Obama asking to make [[homos|homo]] ads on the [[CWCipedia]] [[Chris and the Law|illegal]], [[Chris and the Law|with involvement from the FBI and jail sentences]].<ref>[[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#THAT DOES NOT MATTER (CCS)]]</ref>

__TOC__

{{clear}}

==White House gag==
[[Image:SchuComic9Page19-C.jpg|thumb|200px|Chris's brilliant political satire in action. See, it's funny, because Bush is known to poke his political rivals with a broom.]]

This page was removed from CWC's site along with the comic pages featuring pornography; the pornographic pages were restored in the Luv Shack, but the Obama page remained removed.

While still a U.S. Senator, Obama made a cameo appearance in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], featured in one of the multitude of bizarre elevator gags seen as [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] ascend to the top of the [[4-cent_garbage.com]] building. Inexplicably, the entire White House is contained on the 51st floor, where Obama is painting the exterior black. Below, Senator [[Wikipedia:John McCain|John McCain]] (R-AZ), who ran against Obama in the 2008 Presidential race, chides Obama for presuming to redecorate the White House before actually securing the election. Senator [[Wikipedia:Hillary Clinton|Hillary Clinton]] (D-NY), who would later become Obama's Secretary of State, and [[Wikipedia:Sarah Palin|Sarah Palin]], McCain's running mate and then-Governor of Alaska, also look on with annoyance.

From inside the White House, then-President [[George W. Bush]] notices Obama's audacious paintjob, and takes matters into his own hands. Using a broom, he tips over Obama's ladder. The implied extent of Obama's injuries from the fall is left up to the imagination of the reader.

Obama is wearing a [[Wikipedia:kufi|kufi]], which is a traditional west African hat associated with Muslims. This is probably the result of Chris seeing photos of Obama wearing a kufi that have been released.

{{clear}}

==See also==
*[[George W. Bush]] - His predecessor
*[[Pmurt|Donald J. Trump]] - His successor
*[[Niggos]]

==References==
<references />
==External links==
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama Obama] on [[Wikipedia]]
{{PoliticalVideos}}
{{Not_Jerks}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Obama, Barack}}
[[Category:Real people who have appeared in Sonichu comics]]

Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!

2020-11-09T16:15:07Z

An alias: /* Legacy */

[[Image:CWCHedgehogBoysCOMEBACKfront.jpg|thumb|right|A [[stress|long-awaited]] comeback album! Yay! ...wait a minute, this is only the ''second'' album?]]

'''''Christian & the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!''''' is the second album by [[Chris]]'s awful [[music]]al project, [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]]. It was released in [[2009]].

==Background==
After a four-year hiatus and buoyed by his new "relationship" with "[[Ivy]]", Christian & the Hedgehog Boys reunited to produce another album, and subject the world to yet more of Chris mumbling over various songs. His tastes appear to have expanded slightly: the first album consisted almost entirely of pop music from the late [[1990s]], but ''COMEBACK!'' branches out into genres such as rap, rock, disco, art pop, and R&B from the 1970s to today.

Notable also is the replacement of [[Wild Sonichu]] for [[Sonic]] on bass and [[Punchy Sonichu]] for [[Shadow]] on drums. While a newfag would think that Chris forgot that they were in the band, a true C&HB fan knows that Sonic left the band due to [[Chris and art|artistic]] differences, and is now pursuing a solo country music career, while [[Shadow]] died of a cocaine overdose. Also depicted is [[Layla|Layla Flaaffy]]; it was later revealed in the [[Ivy Q&A]] that Chris intended her to be the band's stage manager.

Because the album material was leaked by [[trolls]] rather than officially released, Christian does not consider it to be a [[TRUE and HONEST]] part of the Hedgehog Boys canon, as he revealed in a [[Mailbag]] correspondence with [[Wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] in 2009<ref>[[Mailbag 14#He's a real Nowhere Man|Mailbag 14]]</ref>. His apparent plan to eventually give his two CDs an official release as paid merchandise never got off the ground, likely due to [[stress]] (as well as [[Chris and copyright|copyright]]).

==Tracks==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
!
! Title
! Based on
!Subject
|-
| 1
| [[(Clyde's) Trollsta's Paradise]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Coolio|Coolio]] — "[[Wikipedia:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]"
| {{Trollsicon|text}}, {{Clyde|text}}
|-
| 2
| "[[CWC Like a Virgin]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] — "[[Wikipedia:Like a Virgin (song)|Like a Virgin]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 3
| "[[Feel Our Love At Play]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Berlin|Berlin]] — "[[Wikipedia:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 4
| "[[I Gotta Make My Move]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]] — "[[Wikipedia:Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?|Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 5
| "[[I'll Never Leave You, Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Kate Bush|Kate Bush]] — "[[Wikipedia:Wuthering Heights (song)|Wuthering Heights]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 6
| "[[Lovin' You]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Minnie Riperton|Minnie Riperton]] — "[[Wikipedia:Lovin' You|Lovin' You]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 7
| "[[Paradise By The Seashore Light (Crass and Champ's Thang Undersea)]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]] — "[[Wikipedia:Paradise by the Dashboard Light|Paradise by the Dashboard Light]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Crass and Champ|Crustaceans]]}}
|-
| 8
| "[[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]] — "[[Wikipedia:Dancing in the Dark (Bruce Springsteen song)|Dancing in the Dark]]"
| {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] & [[Layla Flaaffy|Layla]]}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 9
| "[[I'm Sexy For My Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Justin Timberlake|Justin Timberlake]] — "[[Wikipedia:SexyBack|SexyBack]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Ivy|text}}
|}

==Reception==
While critics applauded [[Chris]] for upgrading the quality of the [[Chris and music|music]] he shouts over from shithouse to slightly less shithouse, the album was an absolute bust, even in [[Molvanîa]] where Chris is lauded as a national pop icon.

Critics were also quick to notice how the audio quality on the album is ''even worse'' than on the last.

Fans of [[Wild Sonichu]]'s mastery of the Sit 'n Spin were disappointed to hear Wild being forced to play the inferior [[Gitar of Fail|guitar]], which may have affected the quality of his musical contributions. Fans also claimed that [[Punchy Sonichu]] could not live up to the legacy of Shadow the Hedgehog.

==Legacy==
[[Image:Comeback.png|thumb|right|On that very day, all you would see is this. ''Truly'' amazing.]]
On the 17th of April, 2019, COMEBACK! turned 10 years old. [[4chan]] users celebrated this by spamming a copypasta all over the Music board (/mu/).

==ORIGINAL LYRICS==
'''DO NOT STEAL'''
<gallery>
Image:TrollstasParadise1.jpg|"Trollsta's Paradise"
Image:TrollstasParadise2.jpg
Image:FeelOurLoveAtPlay.jpg|"Feel Our Love At Play"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove1.jpg|"I Gotta Make My Move"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove2.jpg
Image:IllNeverLeaveYouIvy.jpg|"I'll Never Leave You, Ivy"
Image:PunchyandLaylasDanceInTheDark.jpg|"Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark"
Image:SexyForMyIvy1.jpg|"I'm Sexy For My Ivy"
Image:SexyForMyIvy2.jpg
</gallery>

== References ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://mega.co.nz/#!lVgnFCQQ!nrpH0QQr_S6sH2s8_unQLO8q6muwAjxGpdZz1YV-sRM Download the album] (Working Link as of 5/18/15)
{{Hedgehog Boys}}
[[Category: Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!]]
[[Category:Music]]

Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!

2020-11-09T16:07:46Z

An alias: /* Legacy */

[[Image:CWCHedgehogBoysCOMEBACKfront.jpg|thumb|right|A [[stress|long-awaited]] comeback album! Yay! ...wait a minute, this is only the ''second'' album?]]

'''''Christian & the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!''''' is the second album by [[Chris]]'s awful [[music]]al project, [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]]. It was released in [[2009]].

==Background==
After a four-year hiatus and buoyed by his new "relationship" with "[[Ivy]]", Christian & the Hedgehog Boys reunited to produce another album, and subject the world to yet more of Chris mumbling over various songs. His tastes appear to have expanded slightly: the first album consisted almost entirely of pop music from the late [[1990s]], but ''COMEBACK!'' branches out into genres such as rap, rock, disco, art pop, and R&B from the 1970s to today.

Notable also is the replacement of [[Wild Sonichu]] for [[Sonic]] on bass and [[Punchy Sonichu]] for [[Shadow]] on drums. While a newfag would think that Chris forgot that they were in the band, a true C&HB fan knows that Sonic left the band due to [[Chris and art|artistic]] differences, and is now pursuing a solo country music career, while [[Shadow]] died of a cocaine overdose. Also depicted is [[Layla|Layla Flaaffy]]; it was later revealed in the [[Ivy Q&A]] that Chris intended her to be the band's stage manager.

Because the album material was leaked by [[trolls]] rather than officially released, Christian does not consider it to be a [[TRUE and HONEST]] part of the Hedgehog Boys canon, as he revealed in a [[Mailbag]] correspondence with [[Wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] in 2009<ref>[[Mailbag 14#He's a real Nowhere Man|Mailbag 14]]</ref>. His apparent plan to eventually give his two CDs an official release as paid merchandise never got off the ground, likely due to [[stress]] (as well as [[Chris and copyright|copyright]]).

==Tracks==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
!
! Title
! Based on
!Subject
|-
| 1
| [[(Clyde's) Trollsta's Paradise]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Coolio|Coolio]] — "[[Wikipedia:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]"
| {{Trollsicon|text}}, {{Clyde|text}}
|-
| 2
| "[[CWC Like a Virgin]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] — "[[Wikipedia:Like a Virgin (song)|Like a Virgin]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 3
| "[[Feel Our Love At Play]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Berlin|Berlin]] — "[[Wikipedia:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 4
| "[[I Gotta Make My Move]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]] — "[[Wikipedia:Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?|Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 5
| "[[I'll Never Leave You, Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Kate Bush|Kate Bush]] — "[[Wikipedia:Wuthering Heights (song)|Wuthering Heights]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 6
| "[[Lovin' You]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Minnie Riperton|Minnie Riperton]] — "[[Wikipedia:Lovin' You|Lovin' You]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 7
| "[[Paradise By The Seashore Light (Crass and Champ's Thang Undersea)]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]] — "[[Wikipedia:Paradise by the Dashboard Light|Paradise by the Dashboard Light]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Crass and Champ|Crustaceans]]}}
|-
| 8
| "[[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]] — "[[Wikipedia:Dancing in the Dark (Bruce Springsteen song)|Dancing in the Dark]]"
| {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] & [[Layla Flaaffy|Layla]]}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 9
| "[[I'm Sexy For My Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Justin Timberlake|Justin Timberlake]] — "[[Wikipedia:SexyBack|SexyBack]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Ivy|text}}
|}

==Reception==
While critics applauded [[Chris]] for upgrading the quality of the [[Chris and music|music]] he shouts over from shithouse to slightly less shithouse, the album was an absolute bust, even in [[Molvanîa]] where Chris is lauded as a national pop icon.

Critics were also quick to notice how the audio quality on the album is ''even worse'' than on the last.

Fans of [[Wild Sonichu]]'s mastery of the Sit 'n Spin were disappointed to hear Wild being forced to play the inferior [[Gitar of Fail|guitar]], which may have affected the quality of his musical contributions. Fans also claimed that [[Punchy Sonichu]] could not live up to the legacy of Shadow the Hedgehog.

==Legacy==
On the 17th of April, 2019, COMEBACK! turned 10 years old. [[4chan]] users celebrated this by spamming a copypasta all over the Music board (/mu/).
[[Image:Comeback.png|thumb|right|On that very day, all you would see is this. ''Truly'' amazing.]]

==ORIGINAL LYRICS==
'''DO NOT STEAL'''
<gallery>
Image:TrollstasParadise1.jpg|"Trollsta's Paradise"
Image:TrollstasParadise2.jpg
Image:FeelOurLoveAtPlay.jpg|"Feel Our Love At Play"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove1.jpg|"I Gotta Make My Move"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove2.jpg
Image:IllNeverLeaveYouIvy.jpg|"I'll Never Leave You, Ivy"
Image:PunchyandLaylasDanceInTheDark.jpg|"Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark"
Image:SexyForMyIvy1.jpg|"I'm Sexy For My Ivy"
Image:SexyForMyIvy2.jpg
</gallery>

== References ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://mega.co.nz/#!lVgnFCQQ!nrpH0QQr_S6sH2s8_unQLO8q6muwAjxGpdZz1YV-sRM Download the album] (Working Link as of 5/18/15)
{{Hedgehog Boys}}
[[Category: Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!]]
[[Category:Music]]

Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!

2020-11-09T16:05:04Z

An alias:

[[Image:CWCHedgehogBoysCOMEBACKfront.jpg|thumb|right|A [[stress|long-awaited]] comeback album! Yay! ...wait a minute, this is only the ''second'' album?]]

'''''Christian & the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!''''' is the second album by [[Chris]]'s awful [[music]]al project, [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]]. It was released in [[2009]].

==Background==
After a four-year hiatus and buoyed by his new "relationship" with "[[Ivy]]", Christian & the Hedgehog Boys reunited to produce another album, and subject the world to yet more of Chris mumbling over various songs. His tastes appear to have expanded slightly: the first album consisted almost entirely of pop music from the late [[1990s]], but ''COMEBACK!'' branches out into genres such as rap, rock, disco, art pop, and R&B from the 1970s to today.

Notable also is the replacement of [[Wild Sonichu]] for [[Sonic]] on bass and [[Punchy Sonichu]] for [[Shadow]] on drums. While a newfag would think that Chris forgot that they were in the band, a true C&HB fan knows that Sonic left the band due to [[Chris and art|artistic]] differences, and is now pursuing a solo country music career, while [[Shadow]] died of a cocaine overdose. Also depicted is [[Layla|Layla Flaaffy]]; it was later revealed in the [[Ivy Q&A]] that Chris intended her to be the band's stage manager.

Because the album material was leaked by [[trolls]] rather than officially released, Christian does not consider it to be a [[TRUE and HONEST]] part of the Hedgehog Boys canon, as he revealed in a [[Mailbag]] correspondence with [[Wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] in 2009<ref>[[Mailbag 14#He's a real Nowhere Man|Mailbag 14]]</ref>. His apparent plan to eventually give his two CDs an official release as paid merchandise never got off the ground, likely due to [[stress]] (as well as [[Chris and copyright|copyright]]).

==Tracks==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
!
! Title
! Based on
!Subject
|-
| 1
| [[(Clyde's) Trollsta's Paradise]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Coolio|Coolio]] — "[[Wikipedia:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]"
| {{Trollsicon|text}}, {{Clyde|text}}
|-
| 2
| "[[CWC Like a Virgin]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] — "[[Wikipedia:Like a Virgin (song)|Like a Virgin]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 3
| "[[Feel Our Love At Play]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Berlin|Berlin]] — "[[Wikipedia:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 4
| "[[I Gotta Make My Move]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]] — "[[Wikipedia:Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?|Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 5
| "[[I'll Never Leave You, Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Kate Bush|Kate Bush]] — "[[Wikipedia:Wuthering Heights (song)|Wuthering Heights]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 6
| "[[Lovin' You]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Minnie Riperton|Minnie Riperton]] — "[[Wikipedia:Lovin' You|Lovin' You]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 7
| "[[Paradise By The Seashore Light (Crass and Champ's Thang Undersea)]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]] — "[[Wikipedia:Paradise by the Dashboard Light|Paradise by the Dashboard Light]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Crass and Champ|Crustaceans]]}}
|-
| 8
| "[[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]] — "[[Wikipedia:Dancing in the Dark (Bruce Springsteen song)|Dancing in the Dark]]"
| {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] & [[Layla Flaaffy|Layla]]}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 9
| "[[I'm Sexy For My Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Justin Timberlake|Justin Timberlake]] — "[[Wikipedia:SexyBack|SexyBack]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Ivy|text}}
|}

==Reception==
While critics applauded [[Chris]] for upgrading the quality of the [[Chris and music|music]] he shouts over from shithouse to slightly less shithouse, the album was an absolute bust, even in [[Molvanîa]] where Chris is lauded as a national pop icon.

Critics were also quick to notice how the audio quality on the album is ''even worse'' than on the last.

Fans of [[Wild Sonichu]]'s mastery of the Sit 'n Spin were disappointed to hear Wild being forced to play the inferior [[Gitar of Fail|guitar]], which may have affected the quality of his musical contributions. Fans also claimed that [[Punchy Sonichu]] could not live up to the legacy of Shadow the Hedgehog.

==Legacy==
On the 17th of April, 2019, COMEBACK! turned 10 years old. [[4chan]] users celebrated this by spamming a copypasta all over the Music board (/mu/).
[[Image:Comeback.png|thumb|left|On that very day, all you would see is this. ''Truly'' amazing.]]

==ORIGINAL LYRICS==
'''DO NOT STEAL'''
<gallery>
Image:TrollstasParadise1.jpg|"Trollsta's Paradise"
Image:TrollstasParadise2.jpg
Image:FeelOurLoveAtPlay.jpg|"Feel Our Love At Play"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove1.jpg|"I Gotta Make My Move"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove2.jpg
Image:IllNeverLeaveYouIvy.jpg|"I'll Never Leave You, Ivy"
Image:PunchyandLaylasDanceInTheDark.jpg|"Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark"
Image:SexyForMyIvy1.jpg|"I'm Sexy For My Ivy"
Image:SexyForMyIvy2.jpg
</gallery>

== References ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://mega.co.nz/#!lVgnFCQQ!nrpH0QQr_S6sH2s8_unQLO8q6muwAjxGpdZz1YV-sRM Download the album] (Working Link as of 5/18/15)
{{Hedgehog Boys}}
[[Category: Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!]]
[[Category:Music]]

Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!

2020-11-09T16:04:49Z

An alias:

[[Image:CWCHedgehogBoysCOMEBACKfront.jpg|thumb|right|A [[stress|long-awaited]] comeback album! Yay! ...wait a minute, this is only the ''second'' album?]]

'''''Christian & the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!''''' is the second album by [[Chris]]'s awful [[music]]al project, [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]]. It was released in [[2009]].

==Background==
After a four-year hiatus and buoyed by his new "relationship" with "[[Ivy]]", Christian & the Hedgehog Boys reunited to produce another album, and subject the world to yet more of Chris mumbling over various songs. His tastes appear to have expanded slightly: the first album consisted almost entirely of pop music from the late [[1990s]], but ''COMEBACK!'' branches out into genres such as rap, rock, disco, art pop, and R&B from the 1970s to today.

Notable also is the replacement of [[Wild Sonichu]] for [[Sonic]] on bass and [[Punchy Sonichu]] for [[Shadow]] on drums. While a newfag would think that Chris forgot that they were in the band, a true C&HB fan knows that Sonic left the band due to [[Chris and art|artistic]] differences, and is now pursuing a solo country music career, while [[Shadow]] died of a cocaine overdose. Also depicted is [[Layla|Layla Flaaffy]]; it was later revealed in the [[Ivy Q&A]] that Chris intended her to be the band's stage manager.

Because the album material was leaked by [[trolls]] rather than officially released, Christian does not consider it to be a [[TRUE and HONEST]] part of the Hedgehog Boys canon, as he revealed in a [[Mailbag]] correspondence with [[Wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] in 2009<ref>[[Mailbag 14#He's a real Nowhere Man|Mailbag 14]]</ref>. His apparent plan to eventually give his two CDs an official release as paid merchandise never got off the ground, likely due to [[stress]] (as well as [[Chris and copyright|copyright]]).

==Tracks==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
!
! Title
! Based on
!Subject
|-
| 1
| [[(Clyde's) Trollsta's Paradise]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Coolio|Coolio]] — "[[Wikipedia:Gangsta's Paradise|Gangsta's Paradise]]"
| {{Trollsicon|text}}, {{Clyde|text}}
|-
| 2
| "[[CWC Like a Virgin]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna]] — "[[Wikipedia:Like a Virgin (song)|Like a Virgin]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 3
| "[[Feel Our Love At Play]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Berlin|Berlin]] — "[[Wikipedia:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 4
| "[[I Gotta Make My Move]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Rod Stewart|Rod Stewart]] — "[[Wikipedia:Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?|Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 5
| "[[I'll Never Leave You, Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Kate Bush|Kate Bush]] — "[[Wikipedia:Wuthering Heights (song)|Wuthering Heights]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 6
| "[[Lovin' You]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Minnie Riperton|Minnie Riperton]] — "[[Wikipedia:Lovin' You|Lovin' You]]"
| {{Ivy|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}
|-
| 7
| "[[Paradise By The Seashore Light (Crass and Champ's Thang Undersea)]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]] — "[[Wikipedia:Paradise by the Dashboard Light|Paradise by the Dashboard Light]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Crass and Champ|Crustaceans]]}}
|-
| 8
| "[[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]] — "[[Wikipedia:Dancing in the Dark (Bruce Springsteen song)|Dancing in the Dark]]"
| {{Galpals|[[Love]]}}, {{Comics|[[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] & [[Layla Flaaffy|Layla]]}}, {{Sex|text}}
|-
| 9
| "[[I'm Sexy For My Ivy]]"
| [[Wikipedia:Justin Timberlake|Justin Timberlake]] — "[[Wikipedia:SexyBack|SexyBack]]"
| {{Sex|text}}, {{Ivy|text}}
|}

==Reception==
While critics applauded [[Chris]] for upgrading the quality of the [[Chris and music|music]] he shouts over from shithouse to slightly less shithouse, the album was an absolute bust, even in [[Molvanîa]] where Chris is lauded as a national pop icon.

Critics were also quick to notice how the audio quality on the album is ''even worse'' than on the last.

Fans of [[Wild Sonichu]]'s mastery of the Sit 'n Spin were disappointed to hear Wild being forced to play the inferior [[Gitar of Fail|guitar]], which may have affected the quality of his musical contributions. Fans also claimed that [[Punchy Sonichu]] could not live up to the legacy of Shadow the Hedgehog.

==Legacy==
On the 17th of April, 2019, COMEBACK! turned 10 years old. [[4chan]] users celebrated this by spamming a copypasta all over the Music board (/mu/).
[[Image:Comeback.png|thumb|left|On that very day, all you would see is this. ''Truly'' amazing.]]

==ORIGINAL LYRICS==
'''DO NOT STEAL'''
<gallery>
Image:TrollstasParadise1.jpg|"Trollsta's Paradise"
Image:TrollstasParadise2.jpg
Image:FeelOurLoveAtPlay.jpg|"Feel Our Love At Play"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove1.jpg|"I Gotta Make My Move"
Image:IGottaMakeMyMove2.jpg
Image:IllNeverLeaveYouIvy.jpg|"I'll Never Leave You, Ivy"
Image:PunchyandLaylasDanceInTheDark.jpg|"Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark"
Image:SexyForMyIvy1.jpg|"I'm Sexy For My Ivy"
Image:SexyForMyIvy2.jpg
</gallery>

== References ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://mega.co.nz/#!lVgnFCQQ!nrpH0QQr_S6sH2s8_unQLO8q6muwAjxGpdZz1YV-sRM Download the album] (Working Link as of 5/18/15)
{{Hedgehog Boys}}
[[Category: Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!]]
[[Category:Music]]

File:Comeback.png

2020-11-09T15:56:13Z

An alias: picture of oldass shitposts on /mu/

== Summary ==
picture of oldass shitposts on /mu/

Joe Biden

2020-11-09T15:49:28Z

An alias: /* 2020 election */

{{Merge|Pmurt}}

{{infobox
| title = Joe Biden
| image =
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 =
|label3 = Date of Birth
|data3 = 20 November 1942 (age {{Age|1942|11|20}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = Senator, [[United States]] (1973-2009) Vice-President, [[United States]] (2009-2017) President, [[United States]] (2021-)
|label8 = Preceded by
|data8 = [[Donald Trump]]
|label9 = Succeeded by
|data9 =
}}

'''Joe Biden''' is an American politician, initially being one of the youngest people ever elected to the Senate, serving there for several terms before going on to become the Vice President of [[Barack Obama]], eventually becoming the President-Elect after defeating [[Pmurt|Donald Trump]] in the 2020 election. He is due to become the 46th American president on 21 [[January 2021]] instead of [[The Simpsons|Lisa Simpson]], who [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] voted for and believes will become POTUS after the [[Dimensional Merge]] occurs (although he's more than happy to be rid of Trump).

==Vice-Presidency==
When asked what he thought about Biden in 2009, Chris said "Joe is doing what he can."<ref>[[Mailbag 17]]</ref>

In 2017, Chris posted "Yes! Go, Joe!" when commenting on a post about Biden's career.<ref>[[February 2017 Facebook Posts]]</ref>

==2020 election==
{{Split Off|section|2020 United States presidential election}}

{{quote|Right on! I say No to Drumpftastic [[Mathematics|infinity squared]].|Chris, giving support to the Biden/Harris campaign in response to Jason Alexander's endorsement.<ref>[[October 2020 social media posts#No to Drumpftastic]]</ref>}}
[[File:YangGang.png|thumb|left|For a time, Chris was part of the Yang Gang.]]

By the time he encountered the Idea Guys, Chris had shifted his focus from being invested in following LGBT+ groups to being invested in his [[Chris and coping|imaginary world]]. Without the influence from LGBT groups, Chris seemed to have left his hatred of [[Pmurt|Trump]] and his interest in politics behind, preferring to occupy himself with his [[polyamorous marriage]]s and alternate [[dimensions]]. Nonethelss, Chris vocalized his support for Andrew Yang in [[October 2019]], during the lead-up to the Democratic Party primaries to select a nominee for President. Conversely, he practically ignored any and all news concerning Trump's impeachment in [[December 2019]] and the months that followed, which demonstrated Chris's comparative lack of interest in politics at this point in time. After all, the impeachment process would have been the earliest point that he could have been removed in office besides January 2021, presuming that he lost his 2020 re-election bid (which he eventually did).

However, Chris did become more engaged with politics much closer to the 2020 election, starting around the time that news that Donald Trump contracted [[COVID-19]] got out. Taking to [[October 2020 social media posts|social media]] during [[October 2020]], he replied to [[Ben Saint]] to dispel his claims that Chris was responsible for Trump's ailment; Chris also took a moment to proclaim that COVID-19 would '''not''' be the cause Trump's demise, but that his end will come by other means, as [[Eid, Pmurt, Eid|his death]] is foretold as part of Chris's own [[Dimensional Merge]] prophecies. He then vocalized support for Democratic Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates Joe Biden and Kamala Harris a few days later, after their respective debates against Donald Trump and Mike Pence, ensuring that they received the critical Sonichu vote in the election. Chris also appreciated the schadenfreude of someone reportedly hacking into Trump's [[Twitter]] account after it was reported to have very minimal security protection.

True to Chris's prophecy, Trump appears to have recovered from his infection since being diagnosed with COVID-19. That being said, whether or not that will last is in question due to the amount of drugs that he's being filled with to suppress the symptoms, along with other factors like his age, [[obesity]], history of substance abuse, and unwillingness to rest in favor of going back on the campaign trail affecting his body's ability to fight off the infection, particularly since this strain of the Coronavirus has often come and gone in waves in patients who are faced with serious symptoms.

It should also be noted that Chris actually believes that {{w|Lisa Simpson}} will become POTUS after the [[Dimensional Merge]] takes place<ref>[[Discord Q&A 5#Operation of CWCville's Government]]</ref> regardless of how the 2020 election plays out. This belief presumably takes its influence from "{{w|Bart to the Future}}", the episode of ''[[The Simpsons]]'' set years in the future in which Lisa succeeds Donald Trump's fictional administration, which substantially increased the national [[debt]] before she took office. Amusingly, Kamala Harris has been compared to Lisa Simpson (along with her mother, [[The Simpsons#Marge poster|Marge]]) by her political opponents. However, the events of "Bart to the Future" are not predictive, despite numerous viral videos promoting such misconception. Donald Trump considered running for the job in 1999, one year before the episode aired, and the first of the six bankruptcies to affect his businesses occurred in 1991.<ref>https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/simpsons-predict-trump</ref>

The actual election arrived on November 3, after weeks of early voting: the winner was unusually not declared overnight, due to a combination of high voter turnout and a large increase of {{w|Postal voting in the United States|postal votes}} as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic.<ref>https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2020-54800337</ref> Despite Chris’s opposition to Trump, and the uncertainty of the election, he tweeted that he would [[Honor roll|vote for Lisa Simpson]], likely due to his belief that she would lead the nation after the Merge.<ref>[[November 2020 social media posts##LisaSimpson2020]]</ref> Provisional results indicate that Chris may be one of only two {{w|write-in candidate|write-in}} voters in Ruckersville. There's an outside chance that he somehow convinced [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] to vote for Lisa as well.<ref>[https://results.elections.virginia.gov/vaelections/2020%20November%20General/Site/Locality/GREENE_COUNTY/President_and_Vice_President.html Unofficial Election Results], Virginia Department of Elections</ref>

Regardless of whether or not Chris really wasted his vote on Lisa Simpson, Biden then won Virginia later that night by nearly ten points, with the next few days of news reporting revolving around who won the states of Alaska, Nevada, Arizona, Wisconsin, Michigan, Georgia, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania, a handful of which would determine the victor of the {{w|United States Electoral College|Electoral College}} and therefore the Presidency. From November 4 onward, Biden won Wisconsin and Michigan and had substantive leads in Nevada and Arizona, while absentee ballots being counted indicated that he could win in Georgia and Pennsylvania as well; therefore, he was deemed likely to win the national election after all ballots are returned, ensuring that Trump is a one-term POTUS in spite of the latter's preemptive declaration of victory. (Eventually, Biden would overtake Trump in Georgia and Pennsylvania alike while retaining his leads in Nevada and Arizona, getting more than enough electoral votes than the 270 minimum needed to become POTUS.) Chris has yet to address the events of the election, aside from commenting "Yup." on a video where Senator Bernie Sanders explained to Jimmy Fallon that it would take days to count the ballots in some states.

On November 7, the election was finally called for Joe Biden. Per the transition process, Donald Trump will have to leave the White House on January 20, 2021 and Biden will be inaugregated that very day.

==See also==
* [[Chris and politics]]
* [[Chris and English]]
* [[Death Threats]]

==References==
<references/>

==External links==

*[https://buildbackbetter.com/ Biden-Harris Transition Website]

{{People}}

[[Category:Politics]]

Pmurt

2020-11-09T15:48:24Z

An alias: /* 2020 election */

{{quote|Plus, Trump is just too damn rich And [[Chris and hypocrisy|immature]]. And "Trump" spelled backwards is "Pmurt", which rhymes with "Hurt", and he would badly "Pmurt" this country in office.|[[Chris]]}}

{{infobox
| title = Donald Trump
| image = [[Image:Trump.jpg|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Donald John Trump
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 = Pmurt [[$50 for a video holiday greeting!|A Mean One]] [[March 2017 Facebook Posts|Number 45]] [[React to SNL 41-4 Darn Ol' Tramp 45|Darn Ol' Tramp]] Drumpf Drumpftastic
|label3 = Date of Birth
|data3 = 14 June 1946 (age {{Age|1946|6|14}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = Real estate developer Television host President, [[United States]] (2017-2021)
|label8 = Preceded by
|data8 = [[Barack Obama]]
|label9 = Succeeded by
|data9 = [[Joe Biden]]
}}

'''Pmurt''' is a [[CWC-ism]] for billionaire and current President of the United States '''{{w|Donald Trump|Donald Trump}}''' (born [[Pre-1980#1940s|14 June 1946]]). He initially pronounced it "murt", based on his opinion that the P is silent when the name is said backwards;<ref>[[Something Completely Different - A few Transformers Jokes, also anti-Pmurt]]</ref> however, in [[Eid, Pmurt, Eid|Eid, Pmurt, Eid!!!]], he pronounced the P.

Starting in the latter half of 2016, Chris started to become vocal about his intense dislike of Pmurt on Facebook. In spite of how passionate he feels about Pmurt, Chris's understanding of contemporary politics continues to be exceptionally poor. On 8 November 2016, Chris participated in the US presidential election and voted for [[Barack Obama#White House gag|Hillary Clinton]].<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Chris and Barb vote for Hillary]]</ref> Following news that Trump had won the election, Chris reacted by making multiple death threats against him and Vice President {{w|Mike Pence|Mike Pence}}, which is actually [[Chris and the law|against the law]].

Since encountering the [[Idea Guys]], however, Chris has largely lost interest in politics in favor of engaging in his [[messiah complex]], and as such, has mostly forgotten about Trump. He never addressed his impeachment, which seems odd considering that it was the closest he came to being removed from office early. Nonetheless, Chris slowly became more interested in the 2020 election in the final weeks before election day, particularly after Trump contracted [[COVID-19]]. After a drawn-out election in 2020, it was determined that Trump would lose his re-election bid and would be succeeded by [[Joe Biden]].

__TOC__

{{clear}}

==Meaning of the name==
{{quote|Well, at least MY face ain't fuckin' orange!|Chris, [[DivineTrial|several]] [[At Least My Face Is Not F3c7ing Orange|separate]] occasions before 2016}}
[[File:Pmurt Dlanod.png|thumb|This is what Chris probably believes.]]

This CWC-ism comes from a [[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote|Facebook comment from 25 September]] (partially quoted above), in which Chris says that "Trump spelled backwards is "Pmurt", [[Random Access Humor|which rhymes with hurt, and that Trump would badly "Pmurt" the US if elected]]".

Reversing Trump’s name has twofold meanings. Firstly, names are particularly sacred to Chris;<ref>[[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!]]</ref><ref>[[To Clyde Gregg]]</ref><ref>[[Exposing Jeff]]</ref> in his eyes, mocking someone's name will severely degrade them—this article will establish that Chris has enormous disdain for Donald Trump. Secondly, Chris has historically assumed that saying something backwards induces subliminal stimuli<ref>[[U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L]]</ref>—which he believes are enormously influential on the psyche ''and'' the physical body.<ref>[[Subliminal Frequency Hypnosis]]</ref> Therefore, Chris may believe reversing Trump's name, in a negative context, might effectively alter his audience's perception of him. Beyond the random-access humor, Chris probably thinks his rendition of Trump’s name is a serious presidential objection that everyone needs to consider.

Chris continued using this backwards name in subsequent Facebook posts and videos.

==Opposition to Trump==
[[File:CWCiki IntroductionPMURT.jpg|thumb|The changed banner on the CWCki front page just after Pmurt's election.]]
{{quote|You have Got to be kidding! Trump is most [[Chris and hypocrisy|Immature]], [[My Little Pony|Uncouth]], and [[Chris and reality|Not Valid to be president]]. Trump will ONLY make the Country go [[Financhu Crisis|BROKE]], as Groening predicted, and ALL the money will ONLY go to his own debtors and the Fat Cat Rich People, and Hardly ANY for us in the middle class and below. Not to mention he is Anti-[[SLGBTQ|LGBTQ]], Anti-Immigrants, he [[Women's rights|puts down Women VERY BAD]], and he is an all-around Bad Person.

Hillary will [[Monthly tugboat|Tax the Fat Cats and fill the middle class]] and lower and get the country less in debt. And She is PRO-LGBTQ and [[Niggos|Immigrants]], AND She is more beneficial for EVERYONE in General. AND, this country is long Overdue for a Woman's touch.

You should Watch ALL Three Debates On YouTube. I'll send you the links in chronological Order.|Chris<ref>[[Misc texts#Anti-Pmurt]]</ref>}}

Chris has historically never had any real interest in politics. Combined with his general indifference towards anything intellectual in favor [[Video games|of]] [[Lego|nobler]] [[Mass debating|pursuits]], it's perplexing that Trump's involvement in politics would concern Chris as much as it does. Speculation has suggested a more personal root to Chris's animosity. As Chris’s view of politics effectively begins and ends with himself, the true root of his anger lies somewhere in the bramble bush of his [[Chris and psychology|confused psyche]].

For one thing, Chris is highly [[Naive|impressionable]]. As discussed later on this page, the LGBT blogs and groups he follows on Facebook have a negative opinion of Trump, as they generally do with most right-wing politicians due to their left-wing biases. Going off of the minimal amount of information he's absorbed from said blogs, Chris has said that he is afraid of what a Trump presidency could mean for him and his [[Tomgirl|lesbian soul]]. This is in addition to the general trend among popular culture and major-media outlets, which has also been severely critical of Trump. Considering how Chris [[Family Guy|takes things he sees in media at face value]], it makes sense that he would readily and eagerly accept these sentiments without a second thought.

Chris has shown that he picks his candidates based on who he can identify with more. On account of his [[Chris and gender|gender confusion]] and [[JERKS|dislike of men]], Hillary Clinton was far more attractive to him simply because she was a woman. The evidence for this is overwhelming, especially considering that he once compared her with Sarah Palin.<ref>[[Update 02/16/2016]]</ref> This is also consistent with Chris’s fondness of [[George W. Bush|George W. Bush]] and [[Barack Obama|Barack Obama]], both of whom he voted for because he liked them personally.

Especially salient to this discussion is the mentality behind Chris’s [[Brand loyalty|brand loyalty]]. Once Chris picks a [[PS3|side]] on something, he will defend that side no matter what due [[Naive|to a]] [[Chris and reality|misplaced sense of]] [[Autism|rigid devotion]]. This time the side he picked has down and out lost. Chris has been legally able to vote since February 24th, 2000. He's never mentioned voting for a losing candidate in a presidential election before. It's possible that his explosive anger is based partially in the fact that his favored candidate didn't come out on top this time.

Chris has provided the following reasons for why he dislikes Trump. It’s unclear how many of these are his actual opinions and not just things he’s parroting from what he’s heard on the internet. As the astute of you will quickly notice, many of the negative qualities he accuses Trump of having are ones that [[Chris and Hypocrisy|he himself possesses]].

===On character===

*He "[[Death threats|is very spiteful]]".<ref>[[July 2016 Facebook posts#Christine's Driver's License and Woman's Card]]</ref>

*He is an "[[Chris|immature brat]] who mocks everyone".<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote]]</ref>

*He "was a [[Autism|one-track tape]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|repeating himself]] [[Honor Roll|on pat [sic] deeds]] [[CADD|that he was "proud"(?)]] of".<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#"Thoughts" on the debate]]</ref>

*He is "[[Chris and anger|hot-headed]], [[Chris and money#Chris and impulse spending|impulsive]], [[Clyde Cash|orange-faced]], [[Chris and money#Barb's toxic influence|money-grubbing]], [[Barbara Chandler|double-dealing]], [[Chris and race|immigrant and race offensive]], and most offensive [on] [[Homos|the LGBTQ]]".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

*He "[[Gal Pal E-mails 4#OkCupid - She's overweight and unappealing|puts down Women VERY BAD]]".<ref>[[Misc texts#Anti-Pmurt]]</ref>

*His "[[Megan emails, 2008#Chris continues bothering her about ED|Womanizing and raping actions]]".

*He is a [[Jerk|male]]. In February 2016, Chris said, "I feel like American [sic] needs a woman's touch finally after all these years"<ref>[[Update 02/16/2016]]</ref> as a reason for why he wanted Hillary Clinton [[Women's Rights|to become president]]. On 20 November, he stated Trump "is of SOO Many Typical Offensive MALE Stereotypes, he probably was born with Two damned "Y" Chromosomes instead of the usual "XY" pair".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

*He is "[[Chris and Reality|Not Valid to be president]]".<ref>[[Misc texts#Anti-Pmurt]]</ref>

Interestingly, both Trump and Chris have been accused of sexual harassment. While Trump's allegations have not been proven, Chris has [[Megan|had the]] [[Kacey|claims regarding]] [[Catherine|him confirmed]].

===On the issues===

*He "Wants [[Chris and race|the immigrants to build their own "Keep Out" wall so [he] would kick them all out]]".<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote]]</ref>

*He has "ideals of [[Chris and money|cutting finances]] from all of the more important resources the country needs in communities and feeding the industries from the National Debt. And he acted against the immigrants in that topic as well; [[Monthly Tugboat|they have to work too, you know]]".<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#"Thoughts" on the debate]]</ref>

*He "will ONLY make the Country go BROKE, as Groening predicted, and [[Chris and Money#Bank lawsuits against Barb|ALL the money will ONLY go to his own debtors]] and the Fat Cat Rich People, and [[Financhu Crisis|Hardly ANY for us in the middle class and below]]" and "Hillary will Tax the Fat Cats and fill the middle class and lower and get the country less in debt".<ref>[[Misc texts#Anti-Pmurt]]</ref>

===On issues relevant to Chris===
[[File:Pence.png|thumb]]
*LGBTQ

Chris is especially paranoid in his belief that Trump and Pence "hate" the LGBTQ community.<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote]]</ref>

Chris has said he does "not just despise Trump and Pence, but as a Leabian [sic] Transwoman, and high-functioning autistic person, I fear, too, what would happen with those two God-damned jerks in the White House". In addition, he said, "I fear the loss of my own rights alongside our other LGBTQ community people's as well".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence]]</ref>

However, he has been vague in explaining ''why'' any policies they might implement would affect him. Chris does not face discrimination in the workforce, or in society ([[Chris and the law|at least not from being transgender]]). Over 3 years into their term, Trump and Pence have yet to criminalize the LGBT community and/or allow widespread discrimination of them. Sure, the Republican Party is mostly anti-LGBT, but they know that doing such a stunt would be a political suicide. LGBT rights were admittedly a thorny issue going into the 2016 election, likely due to same-sex marriage only having been legalized throughout the country via a Supreme Court ruling the previous year; however, the president cannot unilaterally override a Supreme Court decision, and even the more conservative justices appointed by Trump during his term are highly unlikely to strike down the earlier ruling, as the court historically has refrained from making decisions which deprive large groups of individuals of their rights, due to such decisions (relating to African-Americans and slavery) in the early-mid 19th century being seen as a major cause of the American Civil War.

Although he's released conflicting statements on the matter, Trump has expressed some progressive ideas regarding transgender issues. Chris is aware of this, but still refuses to give Trump credit, saying he is "most offensive to us in the LGBTQ communities, regardless of his Transgender bathroom choice statement".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>. In any case, the only anti-LGBT thing Trump has done as president is barring transgender people from the military, it's not like LGBT people would simply poof out the moment Trump was inaugurated as Chris assumed.

Chris also criticized Pence, saying that "[[Chris and politics|Pence is just as much Anti LGBTQ and everything else that Trump is]], so my feelings are the same with that rat bastard as well, very much".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>. His criticism of Pence, however, is a little more understandable, since has indeed promoted anti-LGBT policies and is firmly against same-sex marriage, like any average Republican.

*[[Monthly tugboat|The tugboat]]

Trump has been critical of welfare in the past and throughout his campaign.<ref>http://www.ontheissues.org/2016/Donald_Trump_Welfare_+_Poverty.htm</ref> Should he find Congress agreeable, one of his aims may be to pass legislation limiting welfare’s funding and availability. Chris is dimly cognizant of this and fears that he may end up finding his tugboat reduced or even completely taken away. As of 2020, neither Trump nor Congress have passed any legislation in the matter, and the chance of that happening is very unlikely considering Congress is currently partly controlled by Trump's opposition. Chris continues the receive the tugboat without any problems.

On 14 November, he stated:<ref>[[[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows]]</ref>

{{quotebox|they would drain money from [[Monthly Tugboat|SSI]], making my mother and I closer to broke.}}

In truth, what makes Chris and Barb closer to broke is ''[[Financhu Crisis|themselves]]''. Given the rapid decline in their finances, he was hoping Hillary Clinton's policies would increase his tugboat revenue, [[Naive| if not bail the Chandlers out entirely]].

Chris has adamantly refused to budge on his anti-Trump positions. On 20 November, after radio silence following Lizzy the Lezzy readers and his Facebook friends criticizing him for his repeated death wishes, he said, "there is Nothing, nor any amount of time or whatever else, that would make it the cold day in the earth's core to Ever make me have even a remote inkling of a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma of any change of feeling or heart of mine about Trump ever".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

==Chris's news sources==
On Facebook, Chris routinely browses pages on LGBTQ culture, such as Lizzy the Lezzy. In the wake of the 2016 election, many of those pages became inundated with articles written with a clear anti-Trump angle. Chris forms and reinforces his opinions on Trump based on those articles, rating many of them "Angry". Examples of the pages Chris reacted to can be seen [https://kiwifarms.net/attachments/screenshot-www-facebook-com-2016-11-13-05-02-12-png.153431/ here] and [https://kiwifarms.net/attachments/screenshot-www-facebook-com-2016-11-13-19-08-04-png.153440/ here].

It's likely that Chris simply skims headlines or opening paragraphs without taking the time to read the articles. The second example was taken one hour after Chris posted to [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence|a Lizzy the Lezzy comments section]];<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/fb-11-13-chris-hates-and-fears-trump-and-pence.25777/page-2#post-1878273</ref> given that he was also busy with responding to its readers, it is impossible for him to have thoroughly read the articles. That Chris can't be bothered to learn more about the issues he apparently feels so seized with emotion over is emblematic of his [[Chris and Ego|arrogance]], [[Honor roll|stupidity]], and [[Stress|laziness]]. Chris refuses to even try to understand the issues at hand and so his understanding of Trump and American politics is consequently abysmal.

Chris has also [[Honor Roll|cited an episode of The Simpsons]] as one of his major sources for being anti-Trump,<ref>[[September 2016 Facebook posts#Registered to vote]]</ref> which is appropriate considering [[Chris and television|one of the ways he wastes his time]] in lieu of acting like a functional adult.

==Anti-Trump petitions==
Chris has signed several online petitions in an effort to prevent Trump from assuming the presidency.

*[https://act.credoaction.com/sign/russell_amendment A petition opposing the "anti-LGBTQ Russell Amendment"]

{{quotebox|On January 20, Donald Trump and Mike Pence are going to enter the White House.

They campaigned on a platform of hatred, bigotry, racism, misogyny, and xenophobia...

...[The Russell Amendment] would reverse existing nondiscrimination protections for 28 million people in the federal contracting workforce. That means employers could fire someone or refuse to give them a job because they have a same sex partner, use birth control, are a single mother, are transgender or even simply don’t practice the same religion as their employer.}} Of course, Chris supported this petition—probably because it disparages Trump and references the transgender community. It's unlikely he actually read or understood its contents.

*[https://www.change.org/p/electoral-college-electors-electoral-college-make-hillary-clinton-president-on-december-19 A petition calling on the Electoral College to disregard the election and install Hillary Clinton into the presidency]

Chris also signed this petition, in the hopes that on 19 December 2016, the Electoral College would "ignore" the results of the 2016 Presidential election since Clinton won the popular vote. This did not happen.

==Death threats==
[[Image:Feelings of the election results (720p 30fps H264-192kbit AAC).mp400001.png|thumb|Chris, wishing for Donald Trump's death.]]

Chris's hatred of Trump is so great that he made four videos of himself role-playing acts of violence on him with ''[[Transformers]]'', ''[[My Little Pony]]'' and ''[[Lego]]'' toys, with two of those occurring before the election,<ref>[[September 2016 Paid Video Requests#Paid Message to the Trolls]]</ref><ref>[[Something Completely Different - A few Transformers Jokes, also anti-Pmurt]]</ref> including one where he destroyed [[List of toys#Transformers: Titans Return|a Transformers toy]], further showing his lack of [[Chris and money|financial]] [[Financhu Crisis|sense]].

'''Timeline'''

On 9 November 2016, Chris began making several enraged [[death threats]] against the then President-elect. He continued his tirade in the following days, adding Vice President Mike Pence to his death prayers on 10 November, in spite of the possibility that it could land him in serious legal trouble. According to [http://uscode.house.gov/view.xhtml?path=/prelim@title18/part1/chapter41&edition=prelim United States code], a threat against the President is punishable by a fine and/or a maximum of five years in prison.

Chris has gotten himself into [[Chris and the law|legal trouble]] multiple times in the past, to the point that he has six misdemeanors on his record, with four of those stemming from assault crimes. He is also having [[Financhu Crisis|financial trouble]]. Only time will tell how far Chris pushes his luck with his repeated calls for Trump and Pence to die.

Given that Chris's address is public knowledge, the possibility of the Secret Service visiting and interrogating him for his threats and then forcing him to not divulge anything should not be ruled out.

[[Image:Legotrumppence.jpg|thumb|left|Trump and Pence depicted being murdered in Lego form by Chris, part of a line of his perceived enemies who have been the subject of his [[September 2013 Facebook Posts#Voodoo-Wise|voodoo-magic]] [[Gal Pal E-mails 4#OkCupid and Impotent Rage|revenge fantasies]].]]

===2016===
'''9 November'''

*3:28 am - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Chris wants Trump assassinated|posts on Facebook]] that he wants someone to assassinate Trump with a sniper rifle. Chris's Twitter account automatically tweets the post. Throughout the day, many [[Chris in the media#Death threats against Trump|high-profile Twitter users]] retweet the post. Several Twitter users say that they reported him to the FBI and Secret Service.<ref>http://archive.is/bHnGQ</ref>

*3:39 am - Chris [[Eid, Pmurt, Eid|uploads a YouTube video]] depicting him smashing a ''Transformers'' toy in effigy of Trump, while screaming "die!"

*3:40 am - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Eid, Pmurt, Eid!!!|posts on Facebook]] again. He links to the YouTube video and says Trump "should Die now" before taking office. The post is also tweeted by his Twitter account.

*5:15 am - The "sniper rifle" death threat disappears from Facebook.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/chris-calls-for-the-assassination-of-our-dear-leader.25664/page-4#post-1865911</ref>

*8:30 am - An Infowars.com [http://www.infowars.com/hillary-supporters-burn-american-flag-riot-threaten-to-kill-trump-after-losing-election/ article], featuring Chris's death threat in tweet form, is published.

*11 pm - The same threat disappears from Twitter.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/chris-calls-for-the-assassination-of-our-dear-leader.25664/page-14#post-1869300</ref>

'''10 November'''
*4:07 am - Chris [[Twitter#10 November 2016.1|tweets]] the Infowars article.

*4:23 am - Chris [[Twitter#10 November 2016.2|tweets]] that he wants his audience to join him in wishing death to the then President-elect Trump before January 2017.

*6:53 pm - Chris again [[Twitter#10 November 2016.3|tweets]] to pray for Trump's death. He also prays for then Vice President-elect Mike Pence's death. He then links to [https://act.credoaction.com/sign/russell_amendment a petition] from Credo Action, concerning the "anti-LGBTQ Russell Amendment".

'''13 November'''
*2:06 am - Chris [[Feelings of the election results|uploads a YouTube video]] in which he uses Legos to role-play Mike Pence murdering Trump and getting arrested. He then holds up a sheet of paper, with the handwritten words (backwards and facing himself):

<center>{{quotebox|(Before January 2017) Die, Trump, die, or by illness, by Mike Pence's hand.}}</center>

*2:36 am - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Feelings of the election results|posts on Facebook]] about being annoyed by leftover Trump/Pence campaign signs. It is unknown whether or not Chris will [[Sonic Boom Protests|take down the signs himself]].

*5:06 am - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Feelings of the election results|posts on Facebook]], linking to the Infowars article. He then tries to justify his behavior by saying, "I'm not the only one who wants him dead".

*9:17 pm - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence|posts]] to the Lizzy the Lezzy comment section, asking the readers to pray for Trump and Pence's deaths "before Thanksgiving". Many people respond, trying to talk sense into him, to no avail.

'''14 November'''
*12:53 pm - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows|posts a picture to Facebook]] depicting Lego versions of Trump and Pence being executed by hanging, while handcuffed. The text on the photo reads:

<center>{{quotebox|Die, Trump, Die. Die, Pence, Die.

We do not want either of you in office; jail for you both is unlikely; We, the LGBTQ community, do not want to lose our protection and rights}}</center>

*1:16 pm - Chris follows up by commenting that, since prison is "unlikely" and impeachment is "difficult" then "Death upon those two before January, 2017, at this time and point is a necessary evil".

*3:07 pm - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#I'm done adulting|posts]], saying "[[Chris and reality|Trump is Not president, mayor, or Anything in Cwcville]]".

*7:30 pm - The execution-by-hanging post, and the associated comments, disappears from Facebook.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/11-14-16-chris-simulates-murder-with-legos.25791/page-7#post-1880108</ref>

'''15 November'''

*10:44 pm - Chris [[I Tweet AND Post Simultaneously|announces]] Facebook had temporarily banned him from posting for a week.

'''20 November'''

*5:00 am - Chris, in [[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...|a 22-tweet long rant]], makes several childish insults and says he had given his "issues and feelings of Trump some thought". He claims that they are "justified". He ends his rant by complaining about Twitter's 140-character limit.

'''2 December'''
[[File:Alpha TrionYoung warrior challenge explained.mp400001.png|thumb|Playing [[God]].]]

*5:51 pm - Chris uploads [[Alpha Trion/"Young" warrior challenge explained]]. He role-plays Trump, Pence and Clinton using Legos:

{{quotebox|So [[Chris and english|advocate]] the office, Trump! Advocate the position. And then maybe I'll take you down off of that noose.}}

'''29 December'''

*1:11 am - Chris [[December 2016 Facebook posts#Advocate or die, Trump!|returns to posting death threats against Donald Trump]] on Facebook. In response to an article on Trump and the {{w|First Amendment Defense Act|First Amendment Defense Act}}, Chris commented, "ADVOCATE THE OFFICE, TRUMP, or Die, Trump, Die!!!"

*1:43 am - Chris [[December 2016 Facebook posts#A puzzler for Trump|posts a puzzler]] for Trump. He asks Trump to consider a scenario wherein there is an alternate reality where everyone is gender-flipped and an "Anti-Straight Law" is proposed. He asks if Trump would support a law that is against the "Donald Trump(ette)" of that world. He ends by threatening Trump again: "#DonaldTrump, Advocate the Office and let Hillary Clinton run this country, For the Love of Religion, and for any shred of Self-Love you have for yourself. Or die from yours or someone else's hand."

Chris later proofread both posts, editing ''advocate'' to ''abdicate''. However, he did not tone down the death threats.

===2017===
'''4 January'''

*8:34 am - Chris [[Twitter#Tweeting a death threat to Trump|tweets]] the link for his [[December 2016 Facebook posts#A puzzler for Trump|puzzler]] to Trump's Twitter account, with the death threat still intact.

*6:03 pm - For the second time, Chris [[Twitter#Tweeting a death threat to Trump again|tweets]] his [[December 2016 Facebook posts#A puzzler for Trump|puzzler]] to Trump.

'''20 January'''

*10:54 pm - Chris reacts to news on the inauguration of President Trump on [[The United States of America has NO President or Vice President, Whatsoever|YouTube]], [[January 2017 Facebook Posts#USA has no president or vice president|Facebook]] and [[2017 tweets#January|Twitter]]. He insists that the USA has no President or Vice President, taking the "#NotMyPresident" hashtag [[Autism|a step further]] by stating that he will see "an empty chair with no audible speech whatsoever". To cap it off, he says his mind will not be changed until either Trump and Pence leave voluntarily or they "are both deceased".

===Chris on his death threats===
Chris has attempted to rationalize his constant calls for Trump and Pence's deaths and to reconcile his violent attitude with him being "bothered" that he has to "resort to death wishing on Anyone".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows]]</ref>

After Chris suggested to the readers of Lizzy the Lezzy (a LGBTQ Facebook page) to wish death on Trump and Pence, they instead criticized him for saying such "stupid" things.

One person said, "wishing death on people you don't like doesn't exactly make you look like a better person in comparison". Chris replied by saying that, with Trump and Pence in office, it would then be difficult to "impeach them and get Hillary in".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence]]</ref>

Chris has shifted on how he wants Trump to die. Upon learning of the election results, he wanted someone to kill Trump with "a sniper rifle".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Chris wants Trump assassinated]]</ref> The next day, he asked [[Chris and religion|God]] to do it.<ref>[[Twitter#10 November 2016.2]]</ref> Days later, he wanted Mike Pence to murder him.<ref>[[Feelings of the election results]]</ref> He also believed it was possible that Trump will die from old age before inauguration day,<ref>[[Feelings of the election results]]</ref> and that Clinton would not, since "Men die earlier than women".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence]]</ref> Inexplicably, Chris also wants "science" to kill Trump.<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

Chris has considered the notion of Trump and Pence going to prison, but has concluded that "Prison is unlikely for them, how difficult impeachment is, what other option is there?" He believes Trump should be jailed "for all of his [[Emily|sexual]] [[Catherine|assaults]] and rape on women".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows]]</ref>

He would prefer for Trump and Pence to simply hand over their democratically-elected positions, saying to "give the role of President, with most civil grace to Hillary Clinton. And since that is most bloody unlikely of Trump, ever, I am still most pained to continue having to pray for Trump's and Pence's Deaths to happen Before January, 2017, by someone else's hands or illness".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref> Chris further demonstrated his lack of political understanding in a post on 4 December, in which he said that Trump should "advocate the position, and take Pence with him, and let Hillary be President, as it should Very Well Be".<ref>[[December 2016 Facebook posts#Pmurt should advocate the presidency]]</ref> Chris likely has the word ''advocate'' confused with ''abdicate'', which is a term he might have heard in [[Anne Boleyn|British TV shows]] - it's a term typically used in reference to a monarchy.

Due to his [[Autism|stubbornness]], Chris has refused to budge from his anti-Pmurt positions, even after Lizzy the Lezzy's readers ''and'' his Facebook friends criticized him for his repeated death threats. On 20 November, he stated, "I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified", followed by saying, "As much as I would like to choose to be rednecked and stubborn enough to plead complete ignorance and utter denial of him and Pence not only on the verge of taking office, there is still too many damn visuals about the bastards that plain further frustrate and upset me".<ref>[[Twitter#I have given my issues and feelings of Trump some thought. They are justified...]]</ref>

Unfortunately for Chris, he simply forms his opinions via skimming clickbait articles whose authors are inclined to disagree with Trump. Due to his [[Announcement 06292016|untreated autism]], he hasn't attempted to do any research of his own on what Trump and Pence have said. Instead, he opts to live on in willful ignorance, putting no effort into enriching himself with knowledge and getting fanatically emotional about matters he barely understands. It's to the point that he believed "Death upon [Trump and Pence] before January, 2017, at this time and point [was] a necessary evil".<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Lego Trump and Pence hanged at the gallows]]</ref>.

==2020 election==
{{Split Off|section|2020 United States presidential election}}

{{quote|Right on! I say No to Drumpftastic [[Mathematics|infinity squared]].|Chris, giving support to the Biden/Harris campaign in response to Jason Alexander's endorsement.<ref>[[October 2020 social media posts#No to Drumpftastic]]</ref>}}
[[File:YangGang.png|thumb|left|For a time, Chris was part of the Yang Gang.]]

By the time he encountered the Idea Guys, Chris had shifted his focus from being invested in following LGBT+ groups to being invested in his [[Chris and coping|imaginary world]]. Without the influence from LGBT groups, Chris seemed to have left his hatred of Trump and his interest in politics behind, preferring to occupy himself with his [[polyamorous marriage]]s and alternate [[dimensions]]. Nonethelss, Chris vocalized his support for Andrew Yang in [[October 2019]], during the lead-up to the Democratic Party primaries to select a nominee for President. Conversely, he practically ignored any and all news concerning Trump's impeachment in [[December 2019]] and the months that followed, which demonstrated Chris's comparative lack of interest in politics at this point in time. After all, the impeachment process would have been the earliest point that he could have been removed in office besides January 2021, presuming that he lost his 2020 re-election bid (which he eventually did).

However, Chris did become more engaged with politics much closer to the 2020 election, starting around the time that news that Donald Trump contracted [[COVID-19]] got out. Taking to [[October 2020 social media posts|social media]] during [[October 2020]], he replied to [[Ben Saint]] to dispel his claims that Chris was responsible for Trump's ailment; Chris also took a moment to proclaim that COVID-19 would '''not''' be the cause Trump's demise, but that his end will come by other means, as [[Eid, Pmurt, Eid|his death]] is foretold as part of Chris's own [[Dimensional Merge]] prophecies. He then vocalized support for Democratic Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates Joe Biden and Kamala Harris a few days later, after their respective debates against Donald Trump and Mike Pence, ensuring that they received the critical Sonichu vote in the election. Chris also appreciated the schadenfreude of someone reportedly hacking into Trump's [[Twitter]] account after it was reported to have very minimal security protection.

True to Chris's prophecy, Trump appears to have recovered from his infection since being diagnosed with COVID-19. That being said, whether or not that will last is in question due to the amount of drugs that he's being filled with to suppress the symptoms, along with other factors like his age, [[obesity]], history of substance abuse, and unwillingness to rest in favor of going back on the campaign trail affecting his body's ability to fight off the infection, particularly since this strain of the Coronavirus has often come and gone in waves in patients who are faced with serious symptoms.

It should also be noted that Chris actually believes that {{w|Lisa Simpson}} will become POTUS after the [[Dimensional Merge]] takes place<ref>[[Discord Q&A 5#Operation of CWCville's Government]]</ref> regardless of how the 2020 election plays out. This belief presumably takes its influence from "{{w|Bart to the Future}}", the episode of ''[[The Simpsons]]'' set years in the future in which Lisa succeeds Donald Trump's fictional administration, which substantially increased the national [[debt]] before she took office. Amusingly, Kamala Harris has been compared to Lisa Simpson (along with her mother, [[The Simpsons#Marge poster|Marge]]) by her political opponents. However, the events of "Bart to the Future" are not predictive, despite numerous viral videos promoting such misconception. Donald Trump considered running for the job in 1999, one year before the episode aired, and the first of the six bankruptcies to affect his businesses occurred in 1991.<ref>https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/simpsons-predict-trump</ref>

The actual election arrived on November 3, after weeks of early voting: the winner was unusually not declared overnight, due to a combination of high voter turnout and a large increase of {{w|Postal voting in the United States|postal votes}} as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic.<ref>https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2020-54800337</ref> Despite Chris’s opposition to Trump, and the uncertainty of the election, he tweeted that he would [[Honor roll|vote for Lisa Simpson]], likely due to his belief that she would lead the nation after the Merge.<ref>[[November 2020 social media posts##LisaSimpson2020]]</ref> Provisional results indicate that Chris may be one of only two {{w|write-in candidate|write-in}} voters in Ruckersville. There's an outside chance that he somehow convinced [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] to vote for Lisa as well.<ref>[https://results.elections.virginia.gov/vaelections/2020%20November%20General/Site/Locality/GREENE_COUNTY/President_and_Vice_President.html Unofficial Election Results], Virginia Department of Elections</ref>

Regardless of whether or not Chris really wasted his vote on Lisa Simpson, Biden then won Virginia later that night by nearly ten points, with the next few days of news reporting revolving around who won the states of Alaska, Nevada, Arizona, Wisconsin, Michigan, Georgia, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania, a handful of which would determine the victor of the {{w|United States Electoral College|Electoral College}} and therefore the Presidency. From November 4 onward, Biden won Wisconsin and Michigan and had substantive leads in Nevada and Arizona, while absentee ballots being counted indicated that he could win in Georgia and Pennsylvania as well; therefore, he was deemed likely to win the national election after all ballots are returned, ensuring that Trump is a one-term POTUS in spite of the latter's preemptive declaration of victory. (Eventually, Biden would overtake Trump in Georgia and Pennsylvania alike while retaining his leads in Nevada and Arizona, getting more than enough electoral votes than the 270 minimum needed to become POTUS.) Chris has yet to address the events of the election, aside from commenting "Yup." on a video where Senator Bernie Sanders explained to Jimmy Fallon that it would take days to count the ballots in some states.

On November 7, the election was finally called for Joe Biden. Per the transition process, Donald Trump will have to leave the White House on January 20, 2021 and Joe Biden will be inaugregated that very day.

==See also==
* [[Chris and politics]]
* [[Chris and English]]
* [[Death Threats]]

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.whitehouse.gov/administration/president-trump Official White House Website]

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