CWCki - User contributions [en]

New Address

2010-09-28T02:00:21Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

'''New Address''' is a video [[Chris]] uploaded on 27 [[September 2010]]. This is the third video in as many days where Chris has worn the same shirt, despite his previous video being sponsored by a brand of soap.

This video is also a fine example of Chris' "smug voice", in which Chris attempts to lower his voice, stretching out certain vowels in the process.
{{clear}}

If Chris keeps this up, he will almost certainly find himself in a game of [[Kick the Autistic|Kick the Autistic.]]

==Description==
{{quotebox|Dude, I will throw you and knock you out as swiftly and easily as I threw that JetSki. Yeah!!!}}

==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = New Address
| video = {{#ev:youtube|9_BK1fr7BmU}}
| stardate = 27 [[September 2010]]
| subject = {{Trollsicon|text}}
| style = {{Smug|text}}
| shirt = {{BrickFestShirt|text}}
| previous = [[Anti Troll Movement Video1]]
| next = Current
| saga = {{Jackie|text}}
}}

===Transcript===

Hello, Lars. I got your email, and I gotta tell you, you're a dang loser for hiding behind a picture of a [[Niggo|black man]]. A dang photograph. Anyway, it's over! It's over! You've lost! You're history! You're kaput! You could've-you had your chance with [[Jackie]] but you gonna- YOU LOST, BUDDY, YOU LOST! You just kept concentrating on [[ModNation Racers|your daaaayng boats]] all day and all night, ignoring '''HER''' needs, and her desires.

''(Chris licks his lips)''Now she's with a real man. I will satisfy her needs, and her desires. And if you ever wanna be happy with yourself, you [[Chris and hypocrisy|GROW UP]]! You grow up! And you stop [[Chris and his Ego|thinkin' about yourself]], YEEEEAAAAH! ''(Raises his arms in the air)'' You grow up, stop thinkin about yourself, YEAAH! ''(Throws the miniature toy boat he's holding. It hits the ceiling and lands on the floor behind him. Chris flinches and ducks to avoid his own projectile)''

You mess with me and her, you're gonna deal with me definitely. Down to the last sweat, or breath.

{{clear}}

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Anti Troll Movement Video1]]|nextlink=Current}}
{{Sweetheart Videos}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Bob Chandler

2010-09-24T02:34:22Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Audio and video appearances */

: ''"'''Bob'''" redirects here. For the troll occasionally known as Bob, see [[Robert Simmons V]].''

{{quote|This ain't my time yet.|Bob laughing at death <ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript|Emily Date]]</ref>}}

[[Image:Chrischansdad.jpg|thumb|Bob is old. He makes sure to let you know that]]
[[Image:DemonicLumberjack.jpg|thumb|'''The Internet Lumberjack''' in his Final Form]]

'''Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.'''<ref>[[Blanca E-mails#Chris likes Blanca|Email to Blanca]]</ref> (4 September 1927<ref>http://www.harveypowers.com/wynn/wynn/d155.html#P155</ref>–very, very soon) is [[Chris|Chris's]] father. '''Bob''' became a firm favorite with [[trolls]] due to Chris's intense dislike of him and Bob's infamous cameo when [[Bob Walks In|he walked in on Chris fapping]]. His nickname, the "[[Internet]] Lumberjack", comes from this incident.

While loathed by and estranged from his other children and step-child, Bob is still viewed as a better parent than his wife [[Barbara]], due to him being somewhat concerned with Chris's current status as a [[virgin with rage]], and the fact that he occasionally tries to guilt him into being more considerate by bringing up the fact that he's devoted 28 years to raising a selfish manchild. Of course, Chris is unfazed by these attempts.

To date, Bob has conversed with numerous trolls. Thanks to his tendency to yap on, more information has become known.

==Biography==
[[Image:GrandWizardBob.jpg|thumb|Bob is a pretty "old fashioned" type of guy]]

===Service and education===

Bob was born in Fort Worth, Texas<ref>[[Prank calls]]</ref> and raised in Alabama.<ref name="About">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#About Bob (7:18 - 16:45)]]</ref>

Bob was drafted after World War II and placed in the Signal Corps. There, he learned how to install valve systems, switchboards, and telephones. When he got out, he couldn't get a job and so went to college on the G.I. Bill.<ref name="About" />

Since he figured he'd get "swallowed up" at a big college, Bob picked a small college to study Pre-Engineering for two years. He was also in a band and learned a lot about music. He then moved onto Auburn University, a big college, to earn his engineering degree.<ref name="About" /> As an engineer, he never learned to spell properly.<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#The Date Begins (4:47 - 7:17)]]</ref>

===Career===

Bob worked for Western Electric for 40 years. Using skills learned in the army, he built for the company their first automatic [something] (it's unclear what Bob says here). General Electric heard about it and offered him a job in upstate New York. Since New York is too cold (and Yankee) for Bob, he moved away after three years, working in North Carolina for some time.<ref name="About" /> He worked with both Goodrich and Goodyear.<ref name="PSN 37" />

With General Electric, Bob was responsible for at least seven patents. [[Barbara]] claimed, in an e-mail to [[Miyamoto]], that because of Bob's influence in the computer world, the NES "might not have arrived so soon" (despite video game technology actually being pioneered by Ralph Baer).<ref name="Barbara" />

As examples of Bob's accom-PLISH-ments, as Chris would say, he automated a steel mill for rolling steel for cars, a paper mill for papers into the form of Kleenex, warehousing, railroads, and tanker ships. He designed scooters, die casting machines, machines for producing plastic products<ref name="About" /> and a [http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=PIU_AAAAEBAJ vehicle logging system]. A fact that both Chris and Barbara have bragged about is that Bob designed [http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=vScrAAAAEBAJ controls] that were used in plastic water [container] molding machines.<ref name="About" /><ref name="Barbara">[[Miyamoto Saga#Barbara]]</ref>

===World consciousness===

[[Image:0012-BobbyReading.jpg|thumb|Bob learning how to cut that Internet down]]

On the other hand, Bob himself is proud of his "natural inclination for logic," although he is "inundated" by all his designs and whether he did good for the world.<ref name="About" />

Speaking of the world, Bob has been interested in it since he was 10, and has become very world conscious as a believer in the United Nations. He began by collecting foreign stamps in the 1930s. He has collected 15,000–20,000 LPs from various genres and cultures.<ref name="PSN 37" /> Bob traveled the world in his day for business and [[china|pleasure]].

Politically, Bob identifies as a Republican, and did not vote for [[Barack Obama]] in the 2008 presidential election.<ref>[[Prank calls]]</ref>

In a potentially damaging moment on 18 [[February 2009]], Bob doubted the existence of [[Molvanîa]], [[Julie]]'s fictional country of origin.<ref>[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5]]</ref> However, he continued talking under the assumption that Molvanîa was under Russian control.<ref name="PSN 37">[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7]]</ref>

===Health and late life===

[[Image:LumberjackTapestry.JPG|thumb|Robert had Medieval English ancestry]]
[[File:Heart15.jpg|thumb|Computer-generated model of Bob's near-shattered heart.]]
Bob lives on social security and General Electric pension.<ref name="Raising">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)]]</ref> He hasn't really had people to chat with (he loves to ramble if the person shows some slight interest), so he sits around, listens to music,<ref name="PSN 37" /> and takes care of the garden inside the greenhouse. With a 1970s stereo system set up in the greenhouse, he goes to "swing with the music" on his swing there.<ref name="Raising" />

Bob has had two triple bypasses and four heart attacks. He wears a pacemaker. He attributes his long life to the [[Cherokee]] in him. His uncles and grandfather all lived to 90-100.<ref name="PSN 37" />

A major question in the troll community is what will happen if and when Bob dies before Barbara.

===What about Bob?===

[[Image:Bobbetter.jpg|thumb|"Now will you PLEASE let me get back to God of War 3???"]]

On 1 March 2010, Chris [[Twitter|Twittered]] that Bob had been taken to the hospital in the early morning for congested [sic] [[Wikipedia:Heart failure|heart failure]]. Chris seemed confident that his father would come home shortly. Considering Bob's age, lifestyle, and long history of heart disease, [[Chris and death|Chris does not seem to grasp the seriousness of heart failure in an elderly man]]. Bob is the only thing keeping [[14_Branchland_Court|the Chandler household]] from imploding, and as such, trolls and white knights alike wished him the best.

[[Image:Bobbed.jpg|thumb|Apart from the dying heart]]

In the month following Bob's hospitalization, Chris was remarkably quiet on the subject. Information about his condition was hard to come by, as we only learn something [[Ego|once it has inconvenienced Chris enough for him to come online and complain about it]]. Statistically, congestive heart failure is not as immediately fatal as its name implies.<ref>[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congestive_heart_failure Congenital Heart Failure on Wikipedia]</ref> But again, Bob's age, prior heart attacks and lifestyle made this a serious matter.

Chris's videos over the month of March made no mention of Bob at all. Staying true to his painfully predictable nature, Chris instead lost a [[The_Wallflower|girlfriend he never had]], [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|made racial slurs and death threats to a cartoon character]], and [[F Abstinance|raged against abstinence]]. But no mention of his ailing father.

A poster on [http://legi0n.789chan.org/cwc/ /cwc/] claimed to have contacted Chris via PSN regarding Bob. He posted a [http://www.cogsdev.org/w/images/9/9b/Bobbetter.jpg screen capture] purportedly of Chris's response, saying, "He is doing much better, thank you." [[Image:King.jpg|thumb|"Know this, Robert. Thy demise shall be a Whopper!"]]Another contacted Chris via email and got a response saying, "Yes, my father is healthy and safe." He is clearly neither, but this was at least proof that Bob hasn't joined the Whites-Only section of Heaven just yet. In late May, Chris finally made [[Some Favored Comedians|a brief mention]] in a public video that his father was "alive and well," with no further elaboration on his condition.

Whether he is on the road to recovery or has returned home to die is still unknown. If Bob is dying, it is highly unlikely that Chris would be told. Apart from one-line responses from Chris, the best way to stay updated on Bob's health might be to [http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailyprogress/ read the Charlottesville] and [http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/greenenews/ Greene County obituaries]. And God help him if he [[Aunt_Corina|dies on pancake day]].

Bob is currently out of hospital, living at home and back [[prank calls|arguing with himself]]. The elderly man with heart failure is still [[Coffee_Place|eating at Burger King]]. The Grim Reaper is said to have been pleased by this news.

On August 10th, [[Matthew_Noble_call|a phone call]] took place between Bob and Alec Benson Leary, who posed as an employee of [[GAMe_PLACe|The GAMe PLACe]]. Discussing Chris's June trespassing citation, it was discovered that Chris hadn't told his parents about the incident (surprise, surprise). Chris posted [[6_June_2010|a whiny video]] about the incident the night that it happened, which is ''still'' on his YouTube channel. Yeah, that's how negligent Bob is.

On August 19th, it was revealed that Bob eats breakfast at Burger King on a daily basis.

On September 21st 2010 Bob Chandler reveals to ThePCassassin's an online prank call squad that he may of been a member of the KKK and threatens them with this knowledge only too be laughed at. http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=thepcassassins&aq=f
==Relationships==

===Previous family===

Bob is out of contact<ref name="Cole2">[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-2.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 2]]</ref> with his son [[David Alan Chandler]] and daughter [[Carol Suzanne Chandler]], who both lead successful careers. For example, Chris did not know he had a niece named [[Savannah Chandler|Savannah]] until she was 8 years old.<ref>[[CWC's Diary#January 2004]]</ref>

===Barbara===

[[Image:0063-BobAndBarbaraNewLife.jpg|thumb|With [[barbara Chandler|Barb]]]]

To continue with the music theme, Bob and [[Barbara]] met in a bar on a karaoke night. Barbara was there with friends and Bob was singing.<ref name="Mumble 3.5">[[Mumble 3.5]]</ref> According to Chris, Barbara did the [[How to Talk to Girls|pursuing]]: "She chased him down the hall." This is probably why he figures that he could get away with being passive in terms of courtship. In contrast, [[Cole|Cole's]] friend Chuck, who worked at the bar, has a vivid memory of them being drunk retards.<ref name="Cole2" /> They got married in 1980.<ref name="Mumble 3.5" />

According to Chris, Barbara has not had sex with Bob for at least two decades. They have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years.<ref>[[IRC (27 December 2008)]]</ref> This is possibly due to an attempt to avoid spawning another subhuman freak like Chris.

===Cole===

Bob married Barbara when her son [[Cole]] was 17, around the time Cole left to lead his own life.

Cole feels that Bob's bitterness worked to separate his relationship with his mother. Cole will celebrate<ref name="Cole2">[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-2.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 2]]</ref> "when that fuck Bob finally drops."<ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-07-24-3.PNG|Email from Cole to Chris]]</ref> Cole said that he and Bob share a mutual hatred,<ref name="Cole2" /> though we have no evidence yet that Bob hates Cole. In the least, it is certain that Bob knows Cole doesn't like him.<ref name="Raising">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)]]</ref>

===Chris===

{{quote|Get away from the Internet!
I'm cutting it down, right now.|Bob Chandler, Internet lumberjack.}}

[[Image:0106-ChristianWDad.jpg|thumb|"You tell them that you fell down some stairs or else I'm cutting down your [[Nintendo]]."]]

Bob wishes Chris was more interested in the world. He tried to teach Chris, but he thinks (and rightly so) that Chris doesn't understand countries and continents beyond what he's seen on [[TV]], and only can associate with the places he's been in Virginia.<ref name="PSN 37" />

Despite Bob's occasional frustration over Chris's actions, he seems to have somehow bought into the theory that Chris is tormented by a [[Encyclopedia_Dramatica|complex network of enemies spanning the entire world]] simply due to the [[Chris_and_his_ego|success]] that he has earned from his very [[fail|popular]] Sonichu franchise.<ref name="Church">[[Church_audio]]</ref><ref name="Noble">[[Matthew_Noble_call]]</ref>. However, in the [[Matthew Noble call]], it appears that Bob seems to either share the tactic of, and perhaps had even ''taught'' Chris, to bring up unrelated mishaps and debacles to make current incidents and sources of [[stress]] seem "petty" in comaprison. In line with that thread of distraction and self-delusion, Bob actually believes that Chris has accomplished significant goals in his adult life.<ref name="Prank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNHIbffirxU&feature=player_embedded</ref>

Bob's joke that [[Barack Obama]] would paint the White House black as soon as he became president influenced Chris to draw it in ''[[Sonichu 8]]''.

{{quote|well, my father is a major stressor against me; starts arguements[sic], annoys me, rarely washes his hands after restroom breaks (lord knows I've tried to encourage him to wash numerous time, and rarely succeeded.|Chris, [[IRC (31 December 2008)]]}}

After meeting with Bob personally and finding him to be quite pleasant and amicable, it became obvious that he wasn't "starting arguments", as Chris asserts, but rather most likely rightfully criticizing Chris's behaviors and encouraging to better himself, which would involve work, and Chris is too lazy to do that. It has been reported Bob will mention to him that he has taken care of his [[autistic]] ass for 27 years and so Chris should be more grateful. But selfish and apathetic Chris couldn't give two shits, figuring that they're ''obligated'' as parents to take care of him, seeing no reason he should demonstrate any foreign concepts like "love", "support", "gratitude", and "willingness to help".

Chris has said specifically that he doesn't have to love his father, but has to respect him.<ref>[[Mumble 1#Transcript|Mumble Chat 1]]</ref>

==Audio and video appearances==

In every appearance, Bob has proved himself to be better at charming Chris's [[sweetheart]]s than Chris himself.

* 26 February [[1994]]: Bob appears briefly behind Chris from 0:26 - 0:36 in the news report of Chris's [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes]].
* 14 [[February 2009]]: [[Bob Walks In]] to Chris [[mass debating]].
* 18 [[February 2009]]: In [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5]] and [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7|3.7]], Bob rambles to [[Julie]].
* 15 [[March 2009]]: Bob [[Church audio|talked]] to [[Robert Simmons V]] at [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] while [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|Chris went to shit himself]].
* [[March 2009]]: Bob chaperoned Chris on his date with [[Emily]].
* 27 [[March 2009]]: Bob gets intruded by Chris in the [[Tour of Christian's House]], but is not visible.
* 27 [[August 2009]]: [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|Bob enters Chris's room]] and scolds him for making the [[Tour of Christian's House|house tour video]], (correctly) fearing that if someone saw the house as it was, they would be evicted (Uncut version only). This is a momentous occasion, showing some awareness on the part of the Chandlers that the filth and squalor they live in is a health hazard. This video subsequently off a wave of emails and calls to the Greene County Health Department, masterminded by trolls who hoped to realize Bob's fear of eviction, but the campaign was seemingly unsuccessful.
* [[November 2009]]: Bob and [[Barb|Snorlax]] make a brief appearance at the end of the [[Kacey and Liquid Call]].
* 15 [[August 2010]]: Bob gets a call from the GAMe PLACe and is informed of Chris's actions earlier in the year. He then goes on a tangent about how Chris has been tormented by everyone ever since he was banned, and then demands Michael Synder's information. Barbara also appears at the end of the call.
* 23 [[September 2010]]: Bob admits ties to the Ku Klux Klan.

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Thehell.jpg|"The hell is this crap?"
Image:0009-ChristopherChristmas2.jpg|Looking at the presents, it's sometime between 1982 and 2010.
Image:0011-ChristopherBobXmas.jpg|Bob at [[Christmas]] time.
Image:0014-YoungerFather.jpg
Image:0032-BobAtRestraunt.jpg|The epitome of handsome.
Image:0038-AuntCorinaAndDad.jpg|Bob with [[Aunt Corina]].
Image:0062-NewChristian&Dad.jpg|Notice Chris's discomfort.
Image:0120-BobbyBehindBars.jpg|Bob won't let a fence get in the way of cutting down Chris's Internet.
Image:0230-ChristianAndDadInClass.jpg|Bob: fashion icon.
Image:0626-BobbyInGarden.jpg|When Bob isn't arguing with Chris or cutting down his Internet, he enjoys gardening.
Image:CreepyBobAndChris.JPG|Bob will haunt your dreams tonight.
Image:Bob_80th.jpg|Calm down Bob, I think you're scaring Snorlax.
</gallery>
</center>

==Sauces==

{{Fan Art|chris=Bob Chandler}}

<references />

{{People}}
{{Not_Jerks}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Chandler, Bob}}
[[Category:Family Members]]

Song for Jackie.MOV

2010-09-17T20:05:55Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Video */

[[File:128469211411.jpg|thumb|The greatest show on earth]]

'''Song for Jackie.MOV ''' is a video uploaded by [[Chris]] to [[YouTube]] 16 [[September 2010]]. In another attempt to impress [[Jackie]], Chris dons a turban and paints his face in black and red to resemble [http://dragonball.wikia.com/wiki/Mr._Popo Mr. Popo] from ''[[Dragon Ball Z|Dragon Ball]]'' and [[Chris and Music|"sings"]] his version of [[Wikipedia:Mmm_Mmm_Mmm_Mmm|"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"]] by [[Wikipedia:Crash_Test_Dummies|Crash Test Dummies]].

It is also worth noting that the original song's lyrics (which tell of two children who carry deformities, but glad they are not in a "[[Autism|Holy Roller]]"-style church like the third child of the song) denote either Chris's inability of getting the message of (even [[Kacey|blatant]] and [[BlueSpike|thinly veiled]]) [[Family_guy#Influence_on_Chris|satire]], his desperation in his [[Love Quest]], or both. Instead, he [[Asperger syndrome|uses the limelight]] [[Chris and his ego|for himself]], while also implying that Jackie too has some deformity that is forgivable by the Nietzschean (or Nietzsch-Chan) superman that is Chris.

Note that "sings" is in quotes because Chris's grating mumblings make even his earlier [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys|ill-fated music career]] sound like the work of a classically-trained soprano by comparison. Likely unaware of the similarity of his makeup to [[Niggos|blackface]], he rounds out the performance with an impromptu [[Wikipedia:Minstrel show|minstrel song]] adapted from the Spike Lee movie ''Bamboozled'', his [[muscle bra|masculine bosoms]] flailing wildly with each gyration.

At this point, Jackie's reaction is unknown.
[[File:LAZACWC.jpg|right]]
==Video==

{{quotebox|Attention, I am portraying the Dragonball Character, Mr. Popo.

I am not, [[:File:SchuComic9Page19-C.jpg|nor would ever]], making fun of any [[black people]] living, [[Chris and Death|dead]] or fiction. Nor am I making fun of the Hindu people. Both of which, Blacks and Hindus, are good people too.

Again, this video presentation [[lie|is NOT meant to make fun of the Blacks or the Hindus.]] It is only a video for my girlfriend to cosplay as Mr. Popo from the Dragonball Television Series.}}

{{Infobox/video
| name = Song For Jackie
| video = {{#ev:youtube|TzAJvMKQeJA}}
| stardate = 16 [[September 2010]]
| subject = {{Music|text}}, {{Racism|text}}, {{Sex|text}}
| style = {{Crazy|text}}
| shirt = {{DenimJacket|text}}
| previous = [[XBox is OK.MOV]]
| next = Current
| saga = {{Jackie|text}}
}}

===Transcript===
[[File:Leadbelly.jpg|thumb|Leadbelly's reaction to this video.]]
[[File:PopoWTF.jpg|thumb|Mr. Popo is not amused.]]

'Ello. I am [[Pedo-glasses|glasses]] wearing genie, [[Dragon Ball Z|Mr. Popo]]. [''nods and folds his arms, then turns on audio''] I tell you a story. It is a good story. You will enjoy story.

[''starts "singing" ''] Once there was this boy [''flashes manboobs''] who was born with some autism and yet made a few friends, but after his [[high school]] years he...[[ShecameforCWC.JPG|lost]]...his friends and was [[Stress|troll tortured]]. By [[Trolls|bullies]] who were [[Chris and his Ego|jealous of his material things]] [wiggles his head from side to side and waggles his finger] Nonononononono. [''hums'']

Once there was this girl who continued to have friends long after high school. She could have had her pick of men. Then she found the wayward lost boy. They matched up very well, [[:File: SchuComic10P09.jpg|heavenly matched]]...
Loooove, he was so[?]...

And both [''starts to say 'boy', turns it into 'girl'''] [[Gay|boirl]] and boy were glad when they both saw each other's eyes. When they met up! They both thought of each other. Very often! They had enjoyed each other's company sweetly. Oh, roller coaster ecstasy. In fantasy, their days were simple and they looked to be married and have their own [[Reginald Chandler|boy]]. And [[Crystal|girl]]. It's true! Wait for [[CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me"|marriage invitations]]!

[''Suddenly animated, imitating fiddle player''] And there ain't no Saiyans on de [[Gitar of Fail|fiddle]], no Saiyans on de fiddle like this! Ain't no Saiyans on de fiddle, no Saiyans on de fiddle like this!

[''begins to dance what is most likely a continuation of whatever Minstrel Song he saw; a mockery of African aboriginal dancing'']
Asanyoheywahwah hohoheyahoh!
Asanyoheywahwah hohoheyahoh!

And there ain't no Saiyans on de fiddle, no Saiyans on de fiddle like this! Ain't no Saiyans on de fiddle, no Saiyans on de fiddle like this!

Asanyoheywahwah hohoheyahoh!
Asanyoheywahwah hohoheyahoh!

[''spoken''] Happy [[hanky-panky|loving]]! Between me and Jackie! I love you sweetheart. Boing!

==See also==
* [[For My Sweetest Ivy]]
* [[A CWC Audition]]
* [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV|For J-R's Eyes Only]]
{{clear}}

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[XBox is OK.MOV]]|nextlink=Current}}
{{Music Videos}}
{{Sweetheart Videos}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Chris and religion

2010-08-03T01:06:04Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Delusions of Godhood? */

{{quote|When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.|1st Corinthians 13:11, on what Chris <s>has failed to</s> will never do.}}

{{quote|And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, [[Julie|fornication]], wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of [[JERKS|envy]], [[Death threats|murder]], debate, [[Lies|deceit]], malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, [[Chris and his ego|proud]], boasters, inventors of [[Sonichu|evil things]], [[Bob Chandler|disobedient to parents]], without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.|Romans 1:28-32, on Chris}}

{{quote|my CURRENT church can help me a LOT better than any "professional"|Chris being a Xenufag, to [[Vivian Gee|Vivitheg]]}}
[[Image:CHRISjesuss.jpg|thumb|right||Program from Chris's baptism]]
'''The religion of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]''' is a complicated topic because his stated religious convictions often differ from his actual, peculiar beliefs about God, sinfulness, and the nature of good and evil.

That Chris professes a belief in Christianity completes the general stereotype of the naive hillbilly idiot who thinks that citing divine authority is the way to win arguments about things he doesn't understand. With religion, like anything else, Chris only hears what he wants to hear. For example, he accepts his religion's teachings condemning [[homos]]exuality ''and'' ignores the fact that it also forbids pre-marital sex, [[Nudes|pornography]], and [[Mass debating|masturbation]]. This dissonance is exemplified in his reaction to the news that [[PandaHalo]] had been raped and impregnated by [[Clyde Cash]]: He actively encouraged her to spend time with her rapist because a child should know and be raised by both of its parents... shortly after encouraging her to get an abortion.

Chris's narrow view of the world requires that [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] share his religious beliefs, despite the fact that they also regard Chris as their almighty creator and father.

Regardless of his religion, Chris believes he has received [[Dreams|multiple visions from God]].

==Denomination==
[[Image:SonichuRosechuReligious.jpg|thumb|right|Sonichu and Rosechu recall Joseph's story of "forgiveness" prior to Rosechu brutally faceraping [[Jason Kendrick Howell]].]]
At some time in his youth, Chris was baptized in an unspecified [[Wikipedia:Methodism|Methodist]] church.<ref>[[IRC_(28_December_2008)]]</ref> The first church he and his parents are known to have attended is [[Grace Baptist Church]], a small congregation in [[Charlottesville]] that launched in 2000.<ref>http://cvilletomorrow.typepad.com/charlottesville_tomorrow_/2007/12/grace_baptist.html</ref> In 2008 he was, under [[Nudes|mysterious circumstances]], forced to leave that community, at which time he began attending [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]].

"Wesley Mem" is located near the [[University of Virginia]] and has an unusually liberal theology; the common conclusion among [[trolls]] is that congregations more in line with Chris's opinions of [[homos]] are equally intolerant of him, so he had to come here. The doctrinal differences between the [[Wikipedia:Southern Baptist|Southern Baptist]] and Methodist denominations are probably too subtle for Chris to concern himself with, and he likely does not identify with any particular denomination of Christianity beyond simply being Protestant.

Chris has no connection to Catholicism, which he seems to regard as a benign but alien practice. In his comics, he assigns it to a minor character, [[Angelica Rosechu]], whose faith doesn't practically differentiate her from the rest of the inhabitants of CWCville - she's still as much of a slut as the rest of the Rosechus. (Not to mention, her home congregation is called "Samuel Memorial United Christian Church," which is about the least likely name for a Catholic church Chris could have come up with, as most Catholic churches have a patron saint.)

[[PandaHalo]]'s persona was designed to be devoutly Catholic specifically to confound Chris's desire for pre-marital sex with contraception. Faced with this challenge, Chris tried to argue that God really does allows pre-marital sex because his pastor said so. Members of the same religion often differ on the finer points of God's will because ultimately there is no objective point of reference to settle the dispute. Chris cannot comprehend this because to him his beliefs ''are'' that point of reference; [[Autism|you either share his beliefs or you're receiving bad information]].

==Concept of God (or: GodJesus)==
[[Image:Jesusbot.jpg|thumb|right|THIS IS WHAT CHRIS ACTUALLY BELIEVES]]
[[Image:CWCletter.jpg|thumb|left|Chris invokes God and Jesus, saying they told him that [[Blanca]] is real. Proof that God and Jesus are on the [[trolls|trolls']] side.]]
[[Image:SchuComic10P09.jpg|thumb|right|God and Jesus tell Chris he is meant to be with Ivy who is [[lie|totally not a troll]].]]
[[Image:Issue 0A Page 8 edit.JPG|thumb|left|Radar sums it up nicely]]

Chris has a fundamental belief in an omnipotent, benevolent God; beyond this, he also accepts Jesus Christ as the son of God and the savior of mankind. He's reluctant to mention God without also including Jesus, perhaps out of some sense that he must stress his specifically Christian notion of God. In effect, Chris frequently refers to "God and Jesus" (or "GodJesus"<ref>[[Matthew 5:27, CWC Confessions]]</ref><ref>[[CWC_Update_9_April_2009]]</ref>) as if they were some sort of two-headed creature, unlike the Christian concept of the Holy Trinity, which states that God himself exists as three "persons" or expressions. This would technically make him closer to a [[Wikipedia:Unitarian|Unitarian]] than a Methodist.

Being the unparalleled study in egotism he is, Chris seems to view God as a more of a metaphor for his own will than a supreme being to whom he is subject. To Chris, God will overlook (or doesn't care about) his misdeeds, but will become as enraged as Chris over those of others, especially when they are against him. Case in point, the ''fact'' that Chris cheated in the [[PaRappa the Rapper contest]] is not nearly as important as the ''suspicion'' that [[Adam Stackhouse]] did.

Chris believes God has a special interest in his own life, which would be consistent with Western monotheism, except that he also thinks God has nothing better to do than attend to him, and him alone. In his worldview, God's primary purpose is to arrange events so that he is happy, and punish those who make him unhappy. He is commonly observed saying things like "with God (and Jesus) on my side I will...[insert anything Chris [[fail|fails]] at]." He often invokes the wrath of God in his [[Death threats|infantile threats]], and is oblivious to the fact God has yet to back him up on any of them.

Chris attributes most of his motivations to commands given to him directly from GodJesus in [[Dreams|visions]]. His exact beliefs concerning these prophetic dreams are difficult to pin down, but the most rational interpretation is that Chris dreams about something he'd like to do, then wakes up and decides it was God telling him to do it. In Chris's mind, each vision is simultaneously a directive to do something and proof that it will happen no matter what occurs. For instance, after Chris had a vision about fathering a [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|daughter]], he decided he was required to actively [[Love Quest|make that happen]] while also assuring himself that [[fail]]ure was impossible. When Chris was being accused of [[Chris and race|racism]] for insisting that he can only date white women, he justified this by arguing that prophesied daughter must be white.

Subsequent visions from God have supposedly confirmed that [[Blanca]], [[PandaHalo]], and [[Ivy]] were to be the mother of Chris's child, despite the fact that each of these women subsequently turned out to be [[trolls]]. This proves that God, if he exists, is either not responsible for Chris's supposedly prophetic dreams, or is having a [[Laughs Under Lucricities|laugh at his expense]].

Chris also believes that if he confesses his sins to GodJesus he will be forgiven. Private confessions directly to God are not uncommon in Protestantism, but generally it's assumed that the confessor is doing so to genuinely atone for mistakes. However, Chris abuses the purpose of confession so that he can commit whatever wrongs he wants and then wipe the slate clean with his "confession." For example, Chris made [[To_Clyde_and_Jack|a video]] in which he suggested that Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus kill themselves so they can burn in hell forever. He later drew them doing just that in his comic. Just one day after the comic appearance, Chris answered a fan letter in [[Mailbag 33]] asking why he had been wishing suicide upon them, and pointing out that such a wish conflicts with his Christian beliefs. Chris responded that he had "confessed of that to God and Jesus, and they have forgiven [him] on that." One of two things happened: either Chris wished for their deaths in the video, asked for forgiveness, then gleefully drew it happening afterward anyway, or he waited until he'd finally got done saying his piece, then conveniently offered up his confession right after getting everything out of his system. Either way, such a confession is highly disingenuous.

Traditional theology has long dealt with the so-called "problem of pain" in books Chris is unlikely to read anytime soon. It's strange that despite Chris's strong belief that GodJesus is backing him up on his [[Love Quest]], that God imparts on him such [[stress]] and trolling. He seems to believe that the way prayer works is the same way a little kid learns to get what they want: by saying "please". To Chris, prayer is apparently like ordering a pizza, and as long as you pray for something, it'll show up for you exactly how you ordered it, a principle that applies to base and material things as much as spiritual guidance.
{{clear}}

==Afterlife==
[[Image:Apostle_paul_rembrandt.jpg|thumb|left|The likely reaction of Apostle Paul to Chris's 'interpretation' of the Bible]]
[[Image:Jesus facepalm.jpg|thumb|right|Jesus's reaction to Chris's antics.]]
{{Quote|For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.|Ephesians 2:8-10, on the place of good deeds in the Christian faith.}}
{{Quote|Like most people; our souls leave our bodies, we end up in Heaven or Hell depending on our deeds/misdeeds, and possibly Reincarnation.|Chris, [[Mailbag 30#Questions|with his own theory]].}}

While the idea of good deeds causing someone to go to heaven and bad deeds sending them to hell is not an uncommon one, Protestant theology explicitly states that the salvation of one's soul is based completely on one's faith. In general this teaching means that one's prior sins (no matter how terrible) can be forgiven by God, and that members of the faith should try to live righteous lives not because it will get them into heaven, but simply because doing so is morally the right thing to do. The salvation of one's soul through faith is essentially the single point upon which nearly every Protestant denomination is based.

Like everything else, Chris fails at this basic concept, stating that one goes to heaven or hell based completely on personal actions. He personally believes he will go to heaven because he's done "[[Common Questions#Answered 01/01/10|a lot of good deeds]]". Likewise, he feels that [[homos]] are almost certainly bound to go to hell, and need to turn straight to "[[Mailbag 18#In which Chris believes he has magic powers (srsly)|better their chances of going to heaven]]". He has also stated numerous times that he feels [[Clyde Cash|various]] [[Jack Thaddeus|trolls]] are bound for hell for making fun of people over the internet. He has suggested that they [[To Clyde and Jack.MOV|commit suicide]] so that they might receive their eternal punishment faster.

Additionally, Chris [[Mailbag 21#Chris gets a call from The Doctor|believes in the concept of reincarnation]], common in Hinduism and other Eastern religions, though he has yet to offer any criteria for what might cause someone to be reincarnated.

==Concept of sin==
{{quote|But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...|Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:44}}

{{quote|I PRAY TO GOD AND JESUS TO [[Death threats|KILL]] [[JASON KENDRICK HOWELL]]|Chris, [[Sonichu Girls]] Forum}}

{{quote|HAVE A GOD DAMN HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MOMENT YOU READ THIS MESSAGE, YOU GOD DAMN BITCHING WHORE!|E-mail from Chris to [[Vivian]]}}

Other than vehemently opposing [[homos]], [[trolls]], and [[jerkops]], Chris seems to have little notion about the nature of sin and evil except that people who do things he doesn't like should go to hell. This is completely at odds with the part of Christian philosophy that states all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and anyone who repents his sins will be redeemed.

Chris's understanding of Christian theology is extremely limited, and he does not seem to know anything about the Bible. His homophobia apparently had nothing to do with Leviticus 18:22, which he was unaware of until he heard about it from [[Family Guy]]. His [[Fapcup|aversion to "spilling his seed"]] and his [[recycling|dedication to the unborn]] have absolutely no basis in Biblical passages condemning sexual immorality and abortion.

When Chris gave in to temptation and cybered with [[Vanessa Hudgens]] in violation of his monogamous relationship with [[Ivy]], Chris made [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 17th, 2009|a big production]] out of confessing his sin and seeking forgiveness. This suggests that he previously had little to no experience with the idea of repenting sins before God.

===Guilty of all "Seven Deadly Sins"===
[[Image:Pope face palm.jpg|thumb|right|His Holiness's reaction to Chris's commission of all Seven Deadly Sins.]]

The concept of there being "seven deadly sins" is more a conception of the Catholics than of the Protestants, who will mostly tell you that ''any'' sin is equally as bad in the eyes of God. Given that Chris very likely could not tell the difference, it doesn't matter much. 

*'''Lust''': His [[Love Quest]]. Between all the purchases of sex toys and pornography, masturbation, sexual fantasies, intentions with prospective mates, and his objectification of women, lust is not only what seems to consume his every thought, it may very well be what leads to the consumption of his soul by Beelzebub (if you believe in that sort of thing). In fact, he's now on a [[Fuck Quest]]. (See also [[Chris and Sex]]).
*'''Gluttony''': It is not quite known if Chris's [[obesity|girth]] is [[Barbara|hereditary]] or the result of [[McDonalds|over consumption]], but the latter seems more likely having been a spoiled child and being sedentary for the greater part of his life.
*'''Avarice/Greed''': Chris's obsession with gaining wealth via winning contests and his behavior in trying to do so (e.g. putting [[Cole Smithey|his brother's]] questions about his paternity on the back burner while nagging him to vote for him), demonstrate an extreme desire for material gain. Also, he steals from his parents to buy [[PS3|video games he'll never play]]. (See also [[Chris and Money]]).
*'''Sloth''': Obvious; see ''Gluttony''. Content to be the proud recipient of a "[[monthly tugboat]]" while sitting on his ass playing video games and surfing the Internet, Christian rarely even puts forth even the minimal amount effort necessary to draw his Sonichu comics more than a few times a year. He believes doing routine household chores is [[stress|"stressful"]] and an equivalent to holding a real job.
*'''Wrath''': [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. [[Jerkops]]. [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD]]. "[[CWC Update!!!!! 27 March 2009|I'LL STRANGLE THAT CLYDE CASH!]]". [[Chris_and_anger|Yeah...]]
*'''Envy''': [[Jerks|His attitude towards other men]] as having taken [[Virgin with rage|"ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS AND LEFT NONE FOR ME!!!"]] is a lot more envy than ''anyone'', let alone Christians, should ever hold towards anything. Another proof of his envy was the personal hate that he aimed at [[Adam Stackhouse]], the winner of the [[PaRappa the Rapper Contest]]. Frankly, Adam deserved to win, but Chris cannot accept that someone else has something (talent) which he does not.
*'''Pride''': Chris's [[Autism|self-centered worldview]] and inability to note his own flaws. Narcissus himself would look down on him for his selfishness. This is partly due to incessant coddling and sheltering from his parents his whole life, while being told that he is perfect in every way, because having autism makes him special. Chris has been told his entire life that the fact that he has autism means that he should have everything handed to him on a silver platter. (See also [[Chris and his Ego]])

===Breaking all "Ten Commandments"===

Similar to the above, the concept of the Ten Commandments is more commonly associated with Judaism than Christianity, but, as noted, Chris is probably too goddamn stupid to tell the difference.

*'''1. "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me"''': While he claims to be devoted to GodJesus [[Chris and Reality|in real life]], his [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|in-comic persona]] seems to be a full-blown God Mode Sue. Furthermore, he wears a [[Medallion of Fail]] around his neck, in the same place where TRUE and HONEST Christians commonly wear crosses.
*'''2. "Thou shalt not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above"''': The most common interpretation is that this commandment does not forbid drawing pictures of heavenly beings (seen above), but instead refers to the construction or fashioning of "idols" in the likeness of created things (beasts, fish, birds, people) and worshiping them. Chris seems to believe that either the [[Medallions of Fail]] or the [[Amnyfest Ring]] are the source of [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|supernatural powers]], in direct violation of this commandment.
*'''3. "Thou shalt not swear falsely by the name of thy Lord"''': Chris has repeatedly cited the name of God when making outrageous claims about what he intends to do, whether it be to get back at [[trolls]], or to find a potential [[sweetheart]], regardless of whether or not he actually succeeds in meeting these unrealistic expectations. He also says "goddamn" a lot too.
*'''4. "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy"''': As noted above, the Sabbath is almost exclusively observed by Jews rather than Christians, but it is still pretty likely that Chris has broken this commandment by "going to work" (making his comics, which he intends to make money off of) on Saturday. A more straight-up example would be the countless times that he has neglected going to church on Sunday, the Christian sabbath.
*'''5. "Honor thy [[Bob Chandler|father]] and thy [[Barbara Chandler|mother]]"''': Surprisingly, Chris has come pretty close to actually obeying this commandment. Not close enough, however, as Chris has been known to do [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|things]] that [[Bob walks in|upset]] his father. He also [[Bob Walks In Aftermath|called his father a bastard]] once.
*'''6. "Thou shalt not kill"''': Hoo boy. Chris [[Death threats|seems to want to directly defy this commandment]]. Bonus points for actually praying to GodJesus to kill his enemies... and then repenting to GodJesus in the same breath. Alternatively, considering the revelation that he believes cartoon characters really exist, his actions in [[Sonichu 10]] where he collapses a building full of people, killing at least a hundred people for relatively minor slights gives him the biggest body count of the series.
*'''7. "Thou shalt not commit adultery"''': In the literal sense, Chris will most likely be following this commandment [[Virgin with Rage|for the rest of his life]]. Christians believe that this commandment states that they should avoid having any lustful thoughts, sex before marriage, etc. Figuratively, however, he broke this rule when he cybered with [[Vanessa Hudgens]] and had phone sex with [[Julie]]. In his [[comic]], his affair with [[Lovely Weather]] arguably counts as a form of adultery, as well, and even if it doesn't, his subsequent affair with Meg from ''[[Family Guy]]'' certainly does. Also, he clearly has [[Third date|no problem with]] [[F Abstinance|premarital sex in general]].
*'''8. "Thou shalt not steal"''': If [[Chris and Copyright|plagiarism]] counts, he may as well be sitting in the Devil's lap. He has stolen money from his parents to purchase games on PSN and he even purposely wrote a bad check to Joshua for a PSP. Also, one could argue that he is guilty of stealing [[monthly tugboat|your taxpayer dollars.]] However, some scholars argue that this commandment actually means ''Thou shalt not kidnap'', which Chris hasn't done ... yet. Watch your back, ladies.
*'''9. "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"''': Chris has been known to [[Lie|bend the truth]] in order to make himself look good and to defame [[Jerkops|other]] [[Mary Lee Walsh|people]], if his [[Sub-Episodes|comics]] are any indicator.
*'''10. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods"''': Arguably the one he is most guilty of breaking. As noted in the Seven Deadly Sins, Chris has shown to be extremely resentful to other people who win prizes, be they [[Adam Stackhouse|video games]], [[Honor Roll|art awards]], or [[JERKS|girlfriends]]. It should also be noted that the original passage in the Bible specifically forbids the coveting of your [[Liquid Chris|neighbor]]'s [[Kacey|wife]], which would be a bit redundant considering #7.

===Breaking the Levitical Laws===

The Levitical laws were written for Hebrews, as a covenant with God. They are a priestly code of social behavior, with the agreement that if the laws are followed, the Hebrews would be given the Promised Land. Despite the fact that these laws were made for a culture thousands of years ago, and only followed by strict observers of [[Wikipedia:Halakha|Halakha]], Chris seems to have no problem applying these laws to modern times and modern people. Well, [[Chris and hypocrisy|sometimes]].

In [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus]], Chris touts one of the most used and abused Bible verses, Leviticus 18:22, as evidence that [[homos|homosexuality]] is "just plain wrong". Unknown to Chris, this is a part of the old Levitical code, which has many, many other commandments. Chris breaks Levitical Law on a near daily basis.

There are many, many laws, and Chris breaks too many of them for them to all be listed here. Some prime examples include:

*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2011&version=NIV Leviticus 11]''' This whole chapter deals with was sort of animals you should and should not eat. Even though Chris eats at [[McDonald's]] every "2 or 3 times a week", odds are that he's had pork or shellfish at least once in his life, if not many times.
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:11&version=NIV Leviticus 19:11]''' "Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another." [[List of Chris's lies|Chris lies a lot]].
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:12&version=NIV Leviticus 19:12]''' "Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the LORD." Most of this article is dedicated to the misuse of God's name.
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:19&version=NIV Leviticus 19:19]''' "Keep my decrees: Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material." Chris benefits from the science of hybridization daily. Those Chicken McNuggets of which he's ever so fond come from hybrid corn, and you can bet his [[Chris and Fashion|clothes]] aren't a pure weave. And what is [[Sonichu]], if not "mating different kinds of animals": a [[Sonic|hedgehog]] and a [[Pokemon|pikachu]] (itself a hybrid of the mouse and the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pika pika])?
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:26&version=NIV Leviticus 19:26]''' "Do not eat any meat with the blood still in it. Do not practice divination or sorcery." It's fairly doubtful that Chris keeps kosher about the meat, but more importantly... [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Curse-ye-ha-me-ha!]] [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction|FORGIVENESS BLESSINGS!]]
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:27&version=NIV Leviticus 19:27]''' "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard." [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:28&version=NIV Leviticus 19:28]''' "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD." While Chris has not directly violated this law, he has used tattoos to [[Chris and fashion#The "IBA." outfit|attract the ladies]].

==Chris the Shaman==
{{quote|The spirit of Patti will have his soul for dinner tonight! She will be haunting your nightmares, Mr. Leary.|Chris, [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]}}

{{quote|1) "Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha" - Placing Bad Luck and Extreme Misfortune on all of those who give me grief or hate. 2) "Forgiveness Blessing" - Cures all ailments of virus or physical qualities. 3) "Hono" - Makes Gays, regardless of gender, become Straight; NEVER to be gay EVER Again. 4) "Peaceful Teaching" - Quells all disputes and disagreements within a 1000 mile radius, and turns all weaponry into dust. 5) "Come to me, my Women" - Locates and attracts 18 to 30-year old single women within a 5-mile radius.|Chris' terrifyingly insane list of "spells", [[Mailbag 23]]}}
[[Image:Ickeriss_medallions.jpg|thumb|right||The Medallions serve as Chris's connection to the spirit realm.]]

Despite his professed Christianity, Chris's beliefs and behaviors almost tend towards a sort of shamanistic mindset, where God is a force to be controlled and the universe can be influenced by various mystic rituals. In Chris's case, he seems to believe that his tirades and tantrums will somehow affect the trolls who torment him. His attacks on the [[Clown Doll]], for instance, are a metaphorical threat, but also suggest an attempt at somehow literally harming the trolls through [[Wikipedia:sympathetic magic|sympathetic magic]], like a voodoo doll. He views his revenge against his enemies in the comic or in ''[[Soul Calibur]] III'' as being equivalent to actual revenge, rather than simply venting.

The world of [[CWCville]] is also a spirit realm, where Chris is almighty and can create and shape it as he pleases due to his power of "creativity". It exists outside, but parallel, to the real world, and sometimes Chris seems to honestly believe that it's a real place, even if it's just imaginary. This idea of the spirit realm became more valid when, in a [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|video]], Chris claimed that the soul of his [[Patti Chandler|dead dog]] (now [[Patti-Chan|living in CWCville]]) would devour Alec Benson Leary's soul and haunt his [[dreams]].

While Chris has used the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] in reality, he never took it too seriously, at least until he used it on [[Liquid Chris]] in a video. With the "kidnapping" of Liquid, he then realized that he had "the power" to actually curse people. He also developed a new ability to bless people via the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction|Forgiveness Blessings]] skill. He honestly seems to believe that these powers are real, even stating in one video that if it works, then he knows he has "the power." GaoGaiGar fans then promptly wanted to hit Chris for his abuse of [[Wikipedia:The_King_of_Braves_GaoGaiGar_glossary#.22THE_POWER.22_and_Jupiter-X|ZA POWER]]. Chris later stated in a music video that if people antagonize him, they will be cursed, but if you're true and honest, you will receive blessings.

Chris ought to be aware that his sorcery is not merely atypical of a Christian, but in fact explicitly proscribed by his faith. [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians%205:19-20&version=KJV Galatians 5:19-20] lists witchcraft as one of the more blatant acts of sin, whilst in the Old Testament, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+22%3A18&version=KJV Exodus 22:18] commands "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live". That's right, there's a Biblical mandate for Chris's death. Alec Benson Leary, in one of his [[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8|phone calls]] with Chris, attempted to point out the thoroughly un-Christian nature of Chris's dabbling in black magic, but his reasoning appeared to have little effect.

Of course, it is important to remember, even if he did convert to a shamanistic faith, chances are most groups would kick him out just as quickly. Cursing people is one of the few things Wiccans and neo-Pagans are forbidden from doing, and most all groups would look down upon his general idiocy and his dabbling into powers [[Slow-in-the-minds|beyond his comprehension]]. No matter what, Chris will likely be hated for being an [[Chris and his ego|egotistical]], [[Women's Rights|sexist]], [[Chris and Race|racist]], [[Fail|failure]].

For all we know, Chris will one day start popping magic mushrooms and writing comics based on that, which many agree would be a huge improvement on his current work.

==Delusions of Godhood?==
{{quote|Fear not. For behold I bring tidings of great joy.|Sonichu, [[Sonichu 10]]}}
{{quote|I prayed for forgiveness from the real Christian. Sonichu, will he forgive me?|Aspie Sonichu, [[Sonichu 10]]}}
[[Image:Issue 10 Pg 48.jpg|thumb|Sonichu cracks open his tomb and descends in a beam of light.]]
Starting on page 42 of [[Issue 10]], Chris displays a somewhat disturbing twist to the plot (such as it is) of his comics. [[Ultra Sonichu]] frees [[Zelina Rosechu]] from her stoned state using his Chaotic powers, then appears to [[Darkbind Sonichu]] with a message similar in tone, if not outright text, to prophecies of the coming of Jesus Christ (complete with arms outstretched as if he were suspended on a crucifix).

Later on in the issue, Ultra Sonichu travels to the world of [[Asperchu]], where the characters of that comic inform him that they were forced into their roles by Alec, and that they had been praying to Christian Weston Chandler for deliverance and forgiveness. And lo Chris-chan did send the Messiah Sonichu to end their suffering. Sonichu uses the "Chaotic Remedy" to miraculously cure them all of their [[Asperger's syndrome]] (even though only Asperchu himself had the condition) and gives them new names and new, "better" looks.

It should be noted that, like Jesus Christ, [[Sonichu]] was born to a [[virgin with rage|virgin]].

Possibly in response to criticism about acting as God, in [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Issue_10/Page_62 later pages] Chris addressed the issue of the non-canon chaotic combo worshiping him in an incredibly ignorant manner. First, he declares that he is not God but "a servant of him and Jesus", and immediately after goes on to "forgive" Michael (the copycat Sonichu's made-over name) for "baring false witness against <nowiki>[Chris]</nowiki>", as if he has the authority to forgive the breaking of the ten commandments, ''like he's God or something.''

Further evidence of Chris's blossoming God complex comes through his answer to some of the frequently asked questions that were put to him via the [[Mailbag]], where he states that he considers Sonichu to have over a billion fans. The only other fictional character who can claim such a number is God himself. This mad fuckery is compounded by the fact that Chris is like a God to Sonichu; this means that his opinion of himself is that of a God's God. Or maybe a [[Christopher's name change|God's bear]]. Chris moves in mysterious ways.

In his e-mails to [[Reggie Fils-Aimé]] he describes himself as a "Lamb of God." Jesus Christ is commonly referred to as this by many Christians.
{{clear}}

==Chris and other faiths==
Chris has never had much to say about religious beliefs other than his own, least of all non-Christian beliefs. Given his sheltered existence in the heart of the suburban American south, he probably hasn't had much practical exposure to anything but mainstream brands of Protestantism. When his "fans" asked him for his feelings on other religions during an [[IRC (28 December 2008)|IRC chat]], he glossed over the question and simply reiterated his own unthinking statement of faith. [[Vivitheg's_AIM_chat|Vivian Gee]]'s belief in Taoism, a non-theistic religion, seemed to be a concept he couldn't process.

He doesn't think much of atheists, but even there Chris has a hard time articulating his opinion. When Vivian asked him to explain why he dislikes them, he said, "I don't know, but I do know that they are not believers of God and Jesus." It's even harder for atheists to try and take GodJesus seriously enough to believe in them when Chris goes around boasting about having the deities on his side as though they were his personal avengers. When asked "You often attempt to scare your trolls by stating they will go to hell. Some of your trolls do not believe in hell, what do you have to say to them?" in [[Common_Questions#09_January_2010|Common Questions]], his response was:

{{quote|Firstly, it is NOT a "scare tactic", [[Chris and reality|IT IS FACT]]. And second, I say "Well, Believe it or not. You are Not Dead Yet".}}

This might have been Chris trying to be funny, as the second sentence doesn't make any sense.

[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story]] reveals that Chris has some awareness of Judaism, probably picked up from watching [[South Park]]. He appears to not understand that Jews and Buddhists don't celebrate [[Christmas]]. However, in the way he wrote it, it is unknown if he's implying that Christians, [[Hanukkah|Jews]] and [[Christmas#Jolly Buddah (sic)|Buddhists]] go to the same place of worship, or if he's saying they go to separate places of worship and calls them "churches" because his vocabulary is heavily lacking. In [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean]], Chris is being blatantly anti-Semitic by "just throwing it out there" that he thinks Snyder is Jewish, and uses "Jew" as an insult (which he also got from [[South Park]]). [[Some Favored Comedians]] is a thinly-veiled furious backpedaling attempt in which he rambles on and on about how he respects Jewish comedians like [[Wikipedia:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]].

In a CWCipedia [[Chris-Chan_(CWCipedia)#Chris-Chan_the_Moralf.2A.2A| article]], he strongly hints at feeling great hatred towards Muslims. Although the article primarily exists to deny various accusations trolls have made about him, he does not deny being a "prolific hater of all things not Christian".{{cite}}

==TL;DR version==

Chris is a terrible Christian and will likely burn in hell.

==Sauces==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Angelica Rosechu]]
*[[Dreams]]
*[[Christmas]]
*[[Christian's name change|GodBear]]
*[[Grace Baptist Church]]
*[[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]]

==External links==
*[http://store.engrish.com/godjest.html Buy your own Godjesus T-shirt here.]

{{Not_Jerks}}
{{Chris and}}

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Chris and religion

2010-08-03T01:04:20Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Delusions of Godhood? */

{{quote|When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.|1st Corinthians 13:11, on what Chris <s>has failed to</s> will never do.}}

{{quote|And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, [[Julie|fornication]], wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of [[JERKS|envy]], [[Death threats|murder]], debate, [[Lies|deceit]], malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, [[Chris and his ego|proud]], boasters, inventors of [[Sonichu|evil things]], [[Bob Chandler|disobedient to parents]], without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.|Romans 1:28-32, on Chris}}

{{quote|my CURRENT church can help me a LOT better than any "professional"|Chris being a Xenufag, to [[Vivian Gee|Vivitheg]]}}
[[Image:CHRISjesuss.jpg|thumb|right||Program from Chris's baptism]]
'''The religion of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]''' is a complicated topic because his stated religious convictions often differ from his actual, peculiar beliefs about God, sinfulness, and the nature of good and evil.

That Chris professes a belief in Christianity completes the general stereotype of the naive hillbilly idiot who thinks that citing divine authority is the way to win arguments about things he doesn't understand. With religion, like anything else, Chris only hears what he wants to hear. For example, he accepts his religion's teachings condemning [[homos]]exuality ''and'' ignores the fact that it also forbids pre-marital sex, [[Nudes|pornography]], and [[Mass debating|masturbation]]. This dissonance is exemplified in his reaction to the news that [[PandaHalo]] had been raped and impregnated by [[Clyde Cash]]: He actively encouraged her to spend time with her rapist because a child should know and be raised by both of its parents... shortly after encouraging her to get an abortion.

Chris's narrow view of the world requires that [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] share his religious beliefs, despite the fact that they also regard Chris as their almighty creator and father.

Regardless of his religion, Chris believes he has received [[Dreams|multiple visions from God]].

==Denomination==
[[Image:SonichuRosechuReligious.jpg|thumb|right|Sonichu and Rosechu recall Joseph's story of "forgiveness" prior to Rosechu brutally faceraping [[Jason Kendrick Howell]].]]
At some time in his youth, Chris was baptized in an unspecified [[Wikipedia:Methodism|Methodist]] church.<ref>[[IRC_(28_December_2008)]]</ref> The first church he and his parents are known to have attended is [[Grace Baptist Church]], a small congregation in [[Charlottesville]] that launched in 2000.<ref>http://cvilletomorrow.typepad.com/charlottesville_tomorrow_/2007/12/grace_baptist.html</ref> In 2008 he was, under [[Nudes|mysterious circumstances]], forced to leave that community, at which time he began attending [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]].

"Wesley Mem" is located near the [[University of Virginia]] and has an unusually liberal theology; the common conclusion among [[trolls]] is that congregations more in line with Chris's opinions of [[homos]] are equally intolerant of him, so he had to come here. The doctrinal differences between the [[Wikipedia:Southern Baptist|Southern Baptist]] and Methodist denominations are probably too subtle for Chris to concern himself with, and he likely does not identify with any particular denomination of Christianity beyond simply being Protestant.

Chris has no connection to Catholicism, which he seems to regard as a benign but alien practice. In his comics, he assigns it to a minor character, [[Angelica Rosechu]], whose faith doesn't practically differentiate her from the rest of the inhabitants of CWCville - she's still as much of a slut as the rest of the Rosechus. (Not to mention, her home congregation is called "Samuel Memorial United Christian Church," which is about the least likely name for a Catholic church Chris could have come up with, as most Catholic churches have a patron saint.)

[[PandaHalo]]'s persona was designed to be devoutly Catholic specifically to confound Chris's desire for pre-marital sex with contraception. Faced with this challenge, Chris tried to argue that God really does allows pre-marital sex because his pastor said so. Members of the same religion often differ on the finer points of God's will because ultimately there is no objective point of reference to settle the dispute. Chris cannot comprehend this because to him his beliefs ''are'' that point of reference; [[Autism|you either share his beliefs or you're receiving bad information]].

==Concept of God (or: GodJesus)==
[[Image:Jesusbot.jpg|thumb|right|THIS IS WHAT CHRIS ACTUALLY BELIEVES]]
[[Image:CWCletter.jpg|thumb|left|Chris invokes God and Jesus, saying they told him that [[Blanca]] is real. Proof that God and Jesus are on the [[trolls|trolls']] side.]]
[[Image:SchuComic10P09.jpg|thumb|right|God and Jesus tell Chris he is meant to be with Ivy who is [[lie|totally not a troll]].]]
[[Image:Issue 0A Page 8 edit.JPG|thumb|left|Radar sums it up nicely]]

Chris has a fundamental belief in an omnipotent, benevolent God; beyond this, he also accepts Jesus Christ as the son of God and the savior of mankind. He's reluctant to mention God without also including Jesus, perhaps out of some sense that he must stress his specifically Christian notion of God. In effect, Chris frequently refers to "God and Jesus" (or "GodJesus"<ref>[[Matthew 5:27, CWC Confessions]]</ref><ref>[[CWC_Update_9_April_2009]]</ref>) as if they were some sort of two-headed creature, unlike the Christian concept of the Holy Trinity, which states that God himself exists as three "persons" or expressions. This would technically make him closer to a [[Wikipedia:Unitarian|Unitarian]] than a Methodist.

Being the unparalleled study in egotism he is, Chris seems to view God as a more of a metaphor for his own will than a supreme being to whom he is subject. To Chris, God will overlook (or doesn't care about) his misdeeds, but will become as enraged as Chris over those of others, especially when they are against him. Case in point, the ''fact'' that Chris cheated in the [[PaRappa the Rapper contest]] is not nearly as important as the ''suspicion'' that [[Adam Stackhouse]] did.

Chris believes God has a special interest in his own life, which would be consistent with Western monotheism, except that he also thinks God has nothing better to do than attend to him, and him alone. In his worldview, God's primary purpose is to arrange events so that he is happy, and punish those who make him unhappy. He is commonly observed saying things like "with God (and Jesus) on my side I will...[insert anything Chris [[fail|fails]] at]." He often invokes the wrath of God in his [[Death threats|infantile threats]], and is oblivious to the fact God has yet to back him up on any of them.

Chris attributes most of his motivations to commands given to him directly from GodJesus in [[Dreams|visions]]. His exact beliefs concerning these prophetic dreams are difficult to pin down, but the most rational interpretation is that Chris dreams about something he'd like to do, then wakes up and decides it was God telling him to do it. In Chris's mind, each vision is simultaneously a directive to do something and proof that it will happen no matter what occurs. For instance, after Chris had a vision about fathering a [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|daughter]], he decided he was required to actively [[Love Quest|make that happen]] while also assuring himself that [[fail]]ure was impossible. When Chris was being accused of [[Chris and race|racism]] for insisting that he can only date white women, he justified this by arguing that prophesied daughter must be white.

Subsequent visions from God have supposedly confirmed that [[Blanca]], [[PandaHalo]], and [[Ivy]] were to be the mother of Chris's child, despite the fact that each of these women subsequently turned out to be [[trolls]]. This proves that God, if he exists, is either not responsible for Chris's supposedly prophetic dreams, or is having a [[Laughs Under Lucricities|laugh at his expense]].

Chris also believes that if he confesses his sins to GodJesus he will be forgiven. Private confessions directly to God are not uncommon in Protestantism, but generally it's assumed that the confessor is doing so to genuinely atone for mistakes. However, Chris abuses the purpose of confession so that he can commit whatever wrongs he wants and then wipe the slate clean with his "confession." For example, Chris made [[To_Clyde_and_Jack|a video]] in which he suggested that Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus kill themselves so they can burn in hell forever. He later drew them doing just that in his comic. Just one day after the comic appearance, Chris answered a fan letter in [[Mailbag 33]] asking why he had been wishing suicide upon them, and pointing out that such a wish conflicts with his Christian beliefs. Chris responded that he had "confessed of that to God and Jesus, and they have forgiven [him] on that." One of two things happened: either Chris wished for their deaths in the video, asked for forgiveness, then gleefully drew it happening afterward anyway, or he waited until he'd finally got done saying his piece, then conveniently offered up his confession right after getting everything out of his system. Either way, such a confession is highly disingenuous.

Traditional theology has long dealt with the so-called "problem of pain" in books Chris is unlikely to read anytime soon. It's strange that despite Chris's strong belief that GodJesus is backing him up on his [[Love Quest]], that God imparts on him such [[stress]] and trolling. He seems to believe that the way prayer works is the same way a little kid learns to get what they want: by saying "please". To Chris, prayer is apparently like ordering a pizza, and as long as you pray for something, it'll show up for you exactly how you ordered it, a principle that applies to base and material things as much as spiritual guidance.
{{clear}}

==Afterlife==
[[Image:Apostle_paul_rembrandt.jpg|thumb|left|The likely reaction of Apostle Paul to Chris's 'interpretation' of the Bible]]
[[Image:Jesus facepalm.jpg|thumb|right|Jesus's reaction to Chris's antics.]]
{{Quote|For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.|Ephesians 2:8-10, on the place of good deeds in the Christian faith.}}
{{Quote|Like most people; our souls leave our bodies, we end up in Heaven or Hell depending on our deeds/misdeeds, and possibly Reincarnation.|Chris, [[Mailbag 30#Questions|with his own theory]].}}

While the idea of good deeds causing someone to go to heaven and bad deeds sending them to hell is not an uncommon one, Protestant theology explicitly states that the salvation of one's soul is based completely on one's faith. In general this teaching means that one's prior sins (no matter how terrible) can be forgiven by God, and that members of the faith should try to live righteous lives not because it will get them into heaven, but simply because doing so is morally the right thing to do. The salvation of one's soul through faith is essentially the single point upon which nearly every Protestant denomination is based.

Like everything else, Chris fails at this basic concept, stating that one goes to heaven or hell based completely on personal actions. He personally believes he will go to heaven because he's done "[[Common Questions#Answered 01/01/10|a lot of good deeds]]". Likewise, he feels that [[homos]] are almost certainly bound to go to hell, and need to turn straight to "[[Mailbag 18#In which Chris believes he has magic powers (srsly)|better their chances of going to heaven]]". He has also stated numerous times that he feels [[Clyde Cash|various]] [[Jack Thaddeus|trolls]] are bound for hell for making fun of people over the internet. He has suggested that they [[To Clyde and Jack.MOV|commit suicide]] so that they might receive their eternal punishment faster.

Additionally, Chris [[Mailbag 21#Chris gets a call from The Doctor|believes in the concept of reincarnation]], common in Hinduism and other Eastern religions, though he has yet to offer any criteria for what might cause someone to be reincarnated.

==Concept of sin==
{{quote|But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...|Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:44}}

{{quote|I PRAY TO GOD AND JESUS TO [[Death threats|KILL]] [[JASON KENDRICK HOWELL]]|Chris, [[Sonichu Girls]] Forum}}

{{quote|HAVE A GOD DAMN HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MOMENT YOU READ THIS MESSAGE, YOU GOD DAMN BITCHING WHORE!|E-mail from Chris to [[Vivian]]}}

Other than vehemently opposing [[homos]], [[trolls]], and [[jerkops]], Chris seems to have little notion about the nature of sin and evil except that people who do things he doesn't like should go to hell. This is completely at odds with the part of Christian philosophy that states all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and anyone who repents his sins will be redeemed.

Chris's understanding of Christian theology is extremely limited, and he does not seem to know anything about the Bible. His homophobia apparently had nothing to do with Leviticus 18:22, which he was unaware of until he heard about it from [[Family Guy]]. His [[Fapcup|aversion to "spilling his seed"]] and his [[recycling|dedication to the unborn]] have absolutely no basis in Biblical passages condemning sexual immorality and abortion.

When Chris gave in to temptation and cybered with [[Vanessa Hudgens]] in violation of his monogamous relationship with [[Ivy]], Chris made [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 17th, 2009|a big production]] out of confessing his sin and seeking forgiveness. This suggests that he previously had little to no experience with the idea of repenting sins before God.

===Guilty of all "Seven Deadly Sins"===
[[Image:Pope face palm.jpg|thumb|right|His Holiness's reaction to Chris's commission of all Seven Deadly Sins.]]

The concept of there being "seven deadly sins" is more a conception of the Catholics than of the Protestants, who will mostly tell you that ''any'' sin is equally as bad in the eyes of God. Given that Chris very likely could not tell the difference, it doesn't matter much. 

*'''Lust''': His [[Love Quest]]. Between all the purchases of sex toys and pornography, masturbation, sexual fantasies, intentions with prospective mates, and his objectification of women, lust is not only what seems to consume his every thought, it may very well be what leads to the consumption of his soul by Beelzebub (if you believe in that sort of thing). In fact, he's now on a [[Fuck Quest]]. (See also [[Chris and Sex]]).
*'''Gluttony''': It is not quite known if Chris's [[obesity|girth]] is [[Barbara|hereditary]] or the result of [[McDonalds|over consumption]], but the latter seems more likely having been a spoiled child and being sedentary for the greater part of his life.
*'''Avarice/Greed''': Chris's obsession with gaining wealth via winning contests and his behavior in trying to do so (e.g. putting [[Cole Smithey|his brother's]] questions about his paternity on the back burner while nagging him to vote for him), demonstrate an extreme desire for material gain. Also, he steals from his parents to buy [[PS3|video games he'll never play]]. (See also [[Chris and Money]]).
*'''Sloth''': Obvious; see ''Gluttony''. Content to be the proud recipient of a "[[monthly tugboat]]" while sitting on his ass playing video games and surfing the Internet, Christian rarely even puts forth even the minimal amount effort necessary to draw his Sonichu comics more than a few times a year. He believes doing routine household chores is [[stress|"stressful"]] and an equivalent to holding a real job.
*'''Wrath''': [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. [[Jerkops]]. [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD]]. "[[CWC Update!!!!! 27 March 2009|I'LL STRANGLE THAT CLYDE CASH!]]". [[Chris_and_anger|Yeah...]]
*'''Envy''': [[Jerks|His attitude towards other men]] as having taken [[Virgin with rage|"ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS AND LEFT NONE FOR ME!!!"]] is a lot more envy than ''anyone'', let alone Christians, should ever hold towards anything. Another proof of his envy was the personal hate that he aimed at [[Adam Stackhouse]], the winner of the [[PaRappa the Rapper Contest]]. Frankly, Adam deserved to win, but Chris cannot accept that someone else has something (talent) which he does not.
*'''Pride''': Chris's [[Autism|self-centered worldview]] and inability to note his own flaws. Narcissus himself would look down on him for his selfishness. This is partly due to incessant coddling and sheltering from his parents his whole life, while being told that he is perfect in every way, because having autism makes him special. Chris has been told his entire life that the fact that he has autism means that he should have everything handed to him on a silver platter. (See also [[Chris and his Ego]])

===Breaking all "Ten Commandments"===

Similar to the above, the concept of the Ten Commandments is more commonly associated with Judaism than Christianity, but, as noted, Chris is probably too goddamn stupid to tell the difference.

*'''1. "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me"''': While he claims to be devoted to GodJesus [[Chris and Reality|in real life]], his [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|in-comic persona]] seems to be a full-blown God Mode Sue. Furthermore, he wears a [[Medallion of Fail]] around his neck, in the same place where TRUE and HONEST Christians commonly wear crosses.
*'''2. "Thou shalt not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above"''': The most common interpretation is that this commandment does not forbid drawing pictures of heavenly beings (seen above), but instead refers to the construction or fashioning of "idols" in the likeness of created things (beasts, fish, birds, people) and worshiping them. Chris seems to believe that either the [[Medallions of Fail]] or the [[Amnyfest Ring]] are the source of [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|supernatural powers]], in direct violation of this commandment.
*'''3. "Thou shalt not swear falsely by the name of thy Lord"''': Chris has repeatedly cited the name of God when making outrageous claims about what he intends to do, whether it be to get back at [[trolls]], or to find a potential [[sweetheart]], regardless of whether or not he actually succeeds in meeting these unrealistic expectations. He also says "goddamn" a lot too.
*'''4. "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy"''': As noted above, the Sabbath is almost exclusively observed by Jews rather than Christians, but it is still pretty likely that Chris has broken this commandment by "going to work" (making his comics, which he intends to make money off of) on Saturday. A more straight-up example would be the countless times that he has neglected going to church on Sunday, the Christian sabbath.
*'''5. "Honor thy [[Bob Chandler|father]] and thy [[Barbara Chandler|mother]]"''': Surprisingly, Chris has come pretty close to actually obeying this commandment. Not close enough, however, as Chris has been known to do [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|things]] that [[Bob walks in|upset]] his father. He also [[Bob Walks In Aftermath|called his father a bastard]] once.
*'''6. "Thou shalt not kill"''': Hoo boy. Chris [[Death threats|seems to want to directly defy this commandment]]. Bonus points for actually praying to GodJesus to kill his enemies... and then repenting to GodJesus in the same breath. Alternatively, considering the revelation that he believes cartoon characters really exist, his actions in [[Sonichu 10]] where he collapses a building full of people, killing at least a hundred people for relatively minor slights gives him the biggest body count of the series.
*'''7. "Thou shalt not commit adultery"''': In the literal sense, Chris will most likely be following this commandment [[Virgin with Rage|for the rest of his life]]. Christians believe that this commandment states that they should avoid having any lustful thoughts, sex before marriage, etc. Figuratively, however, he broke this rule when he cybered with [[Vanessa Hudgens]] and had phone sex with [[Julie]]. In his [[comic]], his affair with [[Lovely Weather]] arguably counts as a form of adultery, as well, and even if it doesn't, his subsequent affair with Meg from ''[[Family Guy]]'' certainly does. Also, he clearly has [[Third date|no problem with]] [[F Abstinance|premarital sex in general]].
*'''8. "Thou shalt not steal"''': If [[Chris and Copyright|plagiarism]] counts, he may as well be sitting in the Devil's lap. He has stolen money from his parents to purchase games on PSN and he even purposely wrote a bad check to Joshua for a PSP. Also, one could argue that he is guilty of stealing [[monthly tugboat|your taxpayer dollars.]] However, some scholars argue that this commandment actually means ''Thou shalt not kidnap'', which Chris hasn't done ... yet. Watch your back, ladies.
*'''9. "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"''': Chris has been known to [[Lie|bend the truth]] in order to make himself look good and to defame [[Jerkops|other]] [[Mary Lee Walsh|people]], if his [[Sub-Episodes|comics]] are any indicator.
*'''10. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods"''': Arguably the one he is most guilty of breaking. As noted in the Seven Deadly Sins, Chris has shown to be extremely resentful to other people who win prizes, be they [[Adam Stackhouse|video games]], [[Honor Roll|art awards]], or [[JERKS|girlfriends]]. It should also be noted that the original passage in the Bible specifically forbids the coveting of your [[Liquid Chris|neighbor]]'s [[Kacey|wife]], which would be a bit redundant considering #7.

===Breaking the Levitical Laws===

The Levitical laws were written for Hebrews, as a covenant with God. They are a priestly code of social behavior, with the agreement that if the laws are followed, the Hebrews would be given the Promised Land. Despite the fact that these laws were made for a culture thousands of years ago, and only followed by strict observers of [[Wikipedia:Halakha|Halakha]], Chris seems to have no problem applying these laws to modern times and modern people. Well, [[Chris and hypocrisy|sometimes]].

In [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus]], Chris touts one of the most used and abused Bible verses, Leviticus 18:22, as evidence that [[homos|homosexuality]] is "just plain wrong". Unknown to Chris, this is a part of the old Levitical code, which has many, many other commandments. Chris breaks Levitical Law on a near daily basis.

There are many, many laws, and Chris breaks too many of them for them to all be listed here. Some prime examples include:

*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2011&version=NIV Leviticus 11]''' This whole chapter deals with was sort of animals you should and should not eat. Even though Chris eats at [[McDonald's]] every "2 or 3 times a week", odds are that he's had pork or shellfish at least once in his life, if not many times.
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:11&version=NIV Leviticus 19:11]''' "Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another." [[List of Chris's lies|Chris lies a lot]].
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:12&version=NIV Leviticus 19:12]''' "Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the LORD." Most of this article is dedicated to the misuse of God's name.
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:19&version=NIV Leviticus 19:19]''' "Keep my decrees: Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material." Chris benefits from the science of hybridization daily. Those Chicken McNuggets of which he's ever so fond come from hybrid corn, and you can bet his [[Chris and Fashion|clothes]] aren't a pure weave. And what is [[Sonichu]], if not "mating different kinds of animals": a [[Sonic|hedgehog]] and a [[Pokemon|pikachu]] (itself a hybrid of the mouse and the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pika pika])?
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:26&version=NIV Leviticus 19:26]''' "Do not eat any meat with the blood still in it. Do not practice divination or sorcery." It's fairly doubtful that Chris keeps kosher about the meat, but more importantly... [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Curse-ye-ha-me-ha!]] [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction|FORGIVENESS BLESSINGS!]]
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:27&version=NIV Leviticus 19:27]''' "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard." [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:28&version=NIV Leviticus 19:28]''' "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD." While Chris has not directly violated this law, he has used tattoos to [[Chris and fashion#The "IBA." outfit|attract the ladies]].

==Chris the Shaman==
{{quote|The spirit of Patti will have his soul for dinner tonight! She will be haunting your nightmares, Mr. Leary.|Chris, [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]}}

{{quote|1) "Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha" - Placing Bad Luck and Extreme Misfortune on all of those who give me grief or hate. 2) "Forgiveness Blessing" - Cures all ailments of virus or physical qualities. 3) "Hono" - Makes Gays, regardless of gender, become Straight; NEVER to be gay EVER Again. 4) "Peaceful Teaching" - Quells all disputes and disagreements within a 1000 mile radius, and turns all weaponry into dust. 5) "Come to me, my Women" - Locates and attracts 18 to 30-year old single women within a 5-mile radius.|Chris' terrifyingly insane list of "spells", [[Mailbag 23]]}}
[[Image:Ickeriss_medallions.jpg|thumb|right||The Medallions serve as Chris's connection to the spirit realm.]]

Despite his professed Christianity, Chris's beliefs and behaviors almost tend towards a sort of shamanistic mindset, where God is a force to be controlled and the universe can be influenced by various mystic rituals. In Chris's case, he seems to believe that his tirades and tantrums will somehow affect the trolls who torment him. His attacks on the [[Clown Doll]], for instance, are a metaphorical threat, but also suggest an attempt at somehow literally harming the trolls through [[Wikipedia:sympathetic magic|sympathetic magic]], like a voodoo doll. He views his revenge against his enemies in the comic or in ''[[Soul Calibur]] III'' as being equivalent to actual revenge, rather than simply venting.

The world of [[CWCville]] is also a spirit realm, where Chris is almighty and can create and shape it as he pleases due to his power of "creativity". It exists outside, but parallel, to the real world, and sometimes Chris seems to honestly believe that it's a real place, even if it's just imaginary. This idea of the spirit realm became more valid when, in a [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|video]], Chris claimed that the soul of his [[Patti Chandler|dead dog]] (now [[Patti-Chan|living in CWCville]]) would devour Alec Benson Leary's soul and haunt his [[dreams]].

While Chris has used the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] in reality, he never took it too seriously, at least until he used it on [[Liquid Chris]] in a video. With the "kidnapping" of Liquid, he then realized that he had "the power" to actually curse people. He also developed a new ability to bless people via the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction|Forgiveness Blessings]] skill. He honestly seems to believe that these powers are real, even stating in one video that if it works, then he knows he has "the power." GaoGaiGar fans then promptly wanted to hit Chris for his abuse of [[Wikipedia:The_King_of_Braves_GaoGaiGar_glossary#.22THE_POWER.22_and_Jupiter-X|ZA POWER]]. Chris later stated in a music video that if people antagonize him, they will be cursed, but if you're true and honest, you will receive blessings.

Chris ought to be aware that his sorcery is not merely atypical of a Christian, but in fact explicitly proscribed by his faith. [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians%205:19-20&version=KJV Galatians 5:19-20] lists witchcraft as one of the more blatant acts of sin, whilst in the Old Testament, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+22%3A18&version=KJV Exodus 22:18] commands "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live". That's right, there's a Biblical mandate for Chris's death. Alec Benson Leary, in one of his [[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8|phone calls]] with Chris, attempted to point out the thoroughly un-Christian nature of Chris's dabbling in black magic, but his reasoning appeared to have little effect.

Of course, it is important to remember, even if he did convert to a shamanistic faith, chances are most groups would kick him out just as quickly. Cursing people is one of the few things Wiccans and neo-Pagans are forbidden from doing, and most all groups would look down upon his general idiocy and his dabbling into powers [[Slow-in-the-minds|beyond his comprehension]]. No matter what, Chris will likely be hated for being an [[Chris and his ego|egotistical]], [[Women's Rights|sexist]], [[Chris and Race|racist]], [[Fail|failure]].

For all we know, Chris will one day start popping magic mushrooms and writing comics based on that, which many agree would be a huge improvement on his current work.

==Delusions of Godhood?==
{{quote|Fear not. For behold I bring tidings of great joy.|Sonichu, [[Sonichu 10]]}}
{{quote|I prayed for forgiveness from the real Christian. Sonichu, will he forgive me?|Aspie Sonichu, [[Sonichu 10]]}}
[[Image:Issue 10 Pg 48.jpg|thumb|Sonichu cracks open his tomb and descends in a beam of light.]]
Starting on page 42 of [[Issue 10]], Chris displays a somewhat disturbing twist to the plot (such as it is) of his comics. [[Ultra Sonichu]] frees [[Zelina Rosechu]] from her stoned state using his Chaotic powers, then appears to [[Darkbind Sonichu]] with a message similar in tone, if not outright text, to prophecies of the coming of Jesus Christ (complete with arms outstretched as if he were suspended on a crucifix).

Later on in the issue, Ultra Sonichu travels to the world of [[Asperchu]], where the characters of that comic inform him that they were forced into their roles by Alec, and that they had been praying to Christian Weston Chandler for deliverance and forgiveness. And lo Chris-chan did send the Messiah Sonichu to end their suffering. Sonichu uses the "Chaotic Remedy" to miraculously cure them all of their [[Asperger's syndrome]] (even though only Asperchu himself had the condition) and gives them new names and new, "better" looks.

It should be noted that, like Jesus Christ, [[Sonichu]] was born to a [[virgin with rage|virgin]].

Possibly in response to criticism about acting as God, in [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Issue_10/Page_62 later pages] Chris addressed the issue of the non-canon chaotic combo worshiping him in an incredibly ignorant manner. First, he declares that he is not God but "a servant of him and Jesus", and immediately after goes on to "forgive" Michael (the copycat Sonichu's made-over name) for "baring false witness against <nowiki>[Chris]</nowiki>", as if he has the authority to forgive the breaking of the ten commandments, ''like he's God or something.''

Further evidence of Chris's blossoming God complex comes through his answer to some of the frequently asked questions that were put to him via the [[Mailbag]], where he states that he considers Sonichu to have over a billion fans. The only other fictional character who can claim such a number is God himself. This mad fuckery is compounded by the fact that Chris is like a God to Sonichu; this means that his opinion of himself is that of a God's God. Or maybe a [[Christopher's name change|God's bear]]. Chris moves in mysterious ways.

In his e-mails to [[Reggie Fils-Aime]] he describes himself as a "Lamb of God." Jesus Christ is commonly referred to as this by many Christians.
{{clear}}

==Chris and other faiths==
Chris has never had much to say about religious beliefs other than his own, least of all non-Christian beliefs. Given his sheltered existence in the heart of the suburban American south, he probably hasn't had much practical exposure to anything but mainstream brands of Protestantism. When his "fans" asked him for his feelings on other religions during an [[IRC (28 December 2008)|IRC chat]], he glossed over the question and simply reiterated his own unthinking statement of faith. [[Vivitheg's_AIM_chat|Vivian Gee]]'s belief in Taoism, a non-theistic religion, seemed to be a concept he couldn't process.

He doesn't think much of atheists, but even there Chris has a hard time articulating his opinion. When Vivian asked him to explain why he dislikes them, he said, "I don't know, but I do know that they are not believers of God and Jesus." It's even harder for atheists to try and take GodJesus seriously enough to believe in them when Chris goes around boasting about having the deities on his side as though they were his personal avengers. When asked "You often attempt to scare your trolls by stating they will go to hell. Some of your trolls do not believe in hell, what do you have to say to them?" in [[Common_Questions#09_January_2010|Common Questions]], his response was:

{{quote|Firstly, it is NOT a "scare tactic", [[Chris and reality|IT IS FACT]]. And second, I say "Well, Believe it or not. You are Not Dead Yet".}}

This might have been Chris trying to be funny, as the second sentence doesn't make any sense.

[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story]] reveals that Chris has some awareness of Judaism, probably picked up from watching [[South Park]]. He appears to not understand that Jews and Buddhists don't celebrate [[Christmas]]. However, in the way he wrote it, it is unknown if he's implying that Christians, [[Hanukkah|Jews]] and [[Christmas#Jolly Buddah (sic)|Buddhists]] go to the same place of worship, or if he's saying they go to separate places of worship and calls them "churches" because his vocabulary is heavily lacking. In [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean]], Chris is being blatantly anti-Semitic by "just throwing it out there" that he thinks Snyder is Jewish, and uses "Jew" as an insult (which he also got from [[South Park]]). [[Some Favored Comedians]] is a thinly-veiled furious backpedaling attempt in which he rambles on and on about how he respects Jewish comedians like [[Wikipedia:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]].

In a CWCipedia [[Chris-Chan_(CWCipedia)#Chris-Chan_the_Moralf.2A.2A| article]], he strongly hints at feeling great hatred towards Muslims. Although the article primarily exists to deny various accusations trolls have made about him, he does not deny being a "prolific hater of all things not Christian".{{cite}}

==TL;DR version==

Chris is a terrible Christian and will likely burn in hell.

==Sauces==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Angelica Rosechu]]
*[[Dreams]]
*[[Christmas]]
*[[Christian's name change|GodBear]]
*[[Grace Baptist Church]]
*[[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]]

==External links==
*[http://store.engrish.com/godjest.html Buy your own Godjesus T-shirt here.]

{{Not_Jerks}}
{{Chris and}}

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Reggie Fils-Aimé

2010-08-03T01:02:00Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Fils-Aimé Saga */

[[Image:Reginald Fils-Aime.jpg|thumb|right|150px|Reggie Fils-Aimé, He has come here to chew bubble gum and kick autistic ass...and he's all out of bubble gum]]
[[Image:ReggieAndChris.jpg|thumb|right|150px|Separated at birth?]]

'''Reginald "Reggie" Fils-Aimé''' ''(pronounced fee-suh-may'', not fucking "Fills-Eye-Mez" as [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] says), is the president of [[Nintendo]] America and colleague of [[Shigeru Miyamoto]]. He is also an objector of "true love" according to Mr. Chandler.

Currently not speaking to Mr. Chandler after Chris stood up Shigeru Miyamoto at a meeting to produce a [[Sonichu]] game for the US (as [[Jimmy Hill]] Owns European and Japanese gaming rights). Chris threatened to take Reggie and Shigeru to [[Charlottesville]] court for causing butthurt in his lack of response, before going back on his word and BAWWWWing to them in an apology video.

Reggie's next video game, [[Kick the Autistic]] will be released for the Wii and DS in time for Christmas.

Mr. Fils-Aimé is a light-skinned [[niggo]] whose parents were born in Haiti, proving that Chris will abandon his [[racism]] for the promise of fame.

==Fils-Aimé Saga==
{{quoteboxred|
'''Hi, it's me Reggie. President of Nintendo of America''' from '''Reggie Fils-Aimé''' to '''Chris''' on 28 [[January 2009]] 1:16 AM
----

But right now, I'm just strictly Reggie. I'm not going to even bother sending this through my Nintendo email address. Because you know what? This isn't business. This is strictly personal. I have something to say to you, and you need to listen. This has nothing to do with Nintendo right now, this is just me and you. Mano e mano. Man to man. I don't normally do this, but hell, I just need to get this off my chest.

If you don't know who I am, then allow me to introduce myself. My name is Reggie Fils-Aime. I've been kicking ass and taking names ever since the E3 expo at 2004 where I made my debut, where from then on I eventually earned my position as president of this company.

I'm known to be a loud mouth. I don't take crap from anyone. So if you are easily offended, I suggest you stop reading. But don't worry, I'll try to go easy on you, key word being "try" here.

But with that out of the way, I just want to say something to you personally.

May I kindly ask, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you for real or what? I was there for everything. I saw Miyamoto waiting for up to 2 days in the bitter cold for you to show up and you stood him up. I was even there trying to arrange everything for you, even setting up someone to escort you to our building complete with bodyguards and full security because I knew you were concerned about safety. And for what? So you could just NOT show up? I mean, I don't even know what to think, it's just completely unbelievable.

I'm sorry but it just is. I heard what you said to Mr Miyamoto too, your reasons for not coming. And I just have to say. How old are you? You're 27, if I'm not mistaken right?

27! I mean, think about it, you are almost 30! What is a man of your age still doing being coddled by his parents? Let me tell you, when I was about your age, I was already married and had children!

Your autism isn't an excuse either. I've raised a son with autism who is far worse functioning than you are and he can easily make his own decisions. The only thing I see here is a person who is not only lazy and makes excuses, but cannot even take charge of his own life.

That right there is what made it pretty clear that there is no chance in hell you're going to get anywhere with this project. Nevermind the fact that your parents didn't want you to go (or that you still have to get your parents permission at your age).

Think about what happened if you did go, and you had to ask mommy and daddy for an OK on everything? Imagine what a complete disaster that would be. I mean, listen. Simply put, you are not fit to do business with us as you are not even in a position where you can make your own decisions, which is vital to survive in the workplace, and even life in general.

I mean, seriously, who the hell were we talking to? I don't know about you. But this deal was about Nintendo and you. This was not the deal between Nintendo and the parents of Christian Weston Chandler.

I'm sorry, but provided that this whole thing you pulled on us wasn't an elaborate prank, this project was doomed from the start. It's just completely ridiculous. It is impossible for anyone to do business with someone who still has to rely on their parents to make their decisions.

Right now, I don't see how anything good could come from any of this. The only way I could even see this going anywhere is if you were to somehow learn to become independent, like a person of your age should be, and try to do something so that you don't rely on your parents to decide things for you.

But I don't see that happening ever in the near future (nor is it really my job to even have to tell you this). And because of that, I don't see how you'll ever be able to do business with us.

And you know what? I'll just leave it at that. Also, forget recieving a letter from us (and for what? So your parents can read it out loud to you? For Christ sake). This whole thing is through.

Our company will gladly deal with people who are up to the task. But we cannot waste valuable time and money on children who have no means of actually doing their part (their part, as in not their parents but "their part") to cooeprate with us.

Sorry for the rant, but you've wasted so much of our time, money and effort that I had to personally do what I'm known for, and that is kicking ass and taking names.

I always tell it like it is, and I'll be damned if I ever change that. So consider this as the final notice, this whole thing is through. It was through as soon as you made it clear that you are not mature enough to do business with us.

Other than that, I have nothing more to add. Please feel free to complain about me not being professional, I get that all the time. But nobody ever doubts my ability to tell people the things they need to hear. And what I just told you is nothing but that.

Sincerely,

The man who has been kicking ass and taking names since 2004.

Reggie Fils-Aime
 President
 Nintendo of America
}}
{{quotebox|Re: Hi, it's me Reggie. President of Nintendo of America

I see your point, Reggie, but YOU DID NOT HAVE TO CANCEL THE PROJECT INDEFINITELY! I mean, after I get things settled on my end, and when I have the [[monthly tugboat|funds]] to make the trip to Redmond, it would feel much beneficial to me to know that the Window is still OPEN for me. What I'm hearing here is that you've CLOSED the Window and sealed it with Concrete!

I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT!

I apologize for coming off strong, but the objectionable feeling is True to me at the moment, and I would appreciate it if you would Re-Open the Window for me, and UNSEAL the Window, so I can still have the opportunity open for me. I will need a financial setting with a good job for when I have my family and individuality set, and I personally feel it BEST if I still had the opportunity to Work with Nintendo and Sega to bring my Sonichu and Rosechu to life in the Video Game World.

Please let me know that this Same Window of Opportunity will remain open for me. And if it helps better my case, I recently won a 400 dollar Gamestop Gift Card from the Guitar Hero Be A Star Sweepstakes and received it in the FedEx; I spent 3/4 of the card on my Church's Congregation, and those who requested a game from the card; the Majority of them asked for Wii Titles; Two asked for WiiMusic, and one of those two also got a copy of Animal Crossing City Folk With the WiiSpeak. And I ended using the rest for myself on Super Mario Galaxy, WiiMusic, LoZ: Twilight Princess, Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity, ALL FOR NINTENDO Wii, and a WiiSpeak. And I still have a [[TRUE and LOYAL fanbase|HEAVY Positive and Loyal Sonichu and Rosechu Fanbase;]] You All at Nintendo will STILL be able to Gain More Money off of my Sonichu and Rosechu, especially when in the near future I will be most capable of flying to Redmond, meet with you and Mr. Miyamoto, and get this "Mario Party" Started.

Please reply with your contact information, including phone number, so I can contact you in the near future, when I TRULY WILL be ready. My Mind is SET on this, and I feel I can be Ready as early as the end of 2009. You have my word as an Avid Gamer, [[Chris and Religion#Delusions of Godhood?|Lamb of God]], and Humble Human Being that I WILL work Very Hard to Save, Save, Save.

Peace,
Christian Weston Chandler.}}

----

{{quotebox|Subject: Please DO NOT Pigeonhole Me or Sonichu

The LAST thing I need to feel is feeling like I've been Left within a tiny piece of shelfspace to collect dust and be forgotten.

Peace,
Christian Weston Chandler.}}

----

{{quotebox|Subject: One last thing

I still would deeply appreciate a document of the past business words, aggrements and all that from between me, Mr. Miyamoto and you, Reggie, snail-mailed to my home address I've previously provided to you, for my personal records and future references, Please.

Peace,
Christian Weston Chandler.}}

----

{{quoteboxred|RE: One last thing

It's not going to happen, pal. This is final. Don't take this personally.}}

-----

{{quoteboxred|RE: Hi, it's me Reggie. President of Nintendo of America

We're not interested in your project. I've seen the powerpoint. Apart from the fact that you are unable to manage for yourself, the powerpoint really was the final straw. It was filled with gratuitous and shameless drawings with every other frame showing some form of partial nudity or characters making out with each other.

I cannot even fathom how you managed to think that would be a good idea.

Not only that, you keep mentioning Sony, which you should know is the bitter rival of Nintendo and our mortal enemy. I don't know if you've been paying attention, but in every presentation I have given, whenever I mention kicking some behind, it's always directed to Sony. If you knew anything about our company, that would have been completely obvious.

But those are all moot points compared to the fact that you have demonstrated that you are not cut out for this kind of work and that your actions and mode of behavior would be a total liability for our company.

This decision is final. We are not going to do business with you and that is all. Sort out your own life. We cannot help you.

This is it. Do not email me or beg me for anything else. This is final. I cannot stress that enough. And if you do email me again, I will just repeat myself over and over. This whole thing is over. Goodbye.

Sincerely,
Reggie Fils-Aime}}

----

{{quoteboxred|RE: Please DO NOT Pigeonhole Me or Sonichu

Actually I think it's for the better. Maybe you can learn something out of this whole exchange.

But other than that, there is nothing more I can say or do for you. I'd appreciate it if you stopped emailing me now and maybe instead took some time to reflect on how this went wrong on your part. But this whole thing is finalized and done, and I cannot help you nor do I have the time to keep sending you emails when we have no official business with each other.}}

----

{{quotebox|Subject: "Reply to your Reply"

Let me just say a few more things, and then I'll stop e-mailing you for a long while. There was Positively NO NUDITY at all in the Powerpoint Presentation. And What the heck is WRONG with True Love and Kissing? [[Christian Weston Chandler|Are you a Virgin yourself? Have you had a BUNCH of Bad Dates? Or are you soo Closed-Minded and Rednecked?]] I gave you respect after seeing you in that video on my Wii, yet you tell me that True Love is WRONG? You are just as bad or WORSE than the [[Mary Lee Walsh|Real-Life Mary Lee Walsh,]] or as she is known as in the Comics now, Slaweel Ryam.

I pity you if you've had your share of Bad Luck in True Love, yet at this point, you have just Lost My Respect.

True Love is a Truly Sacred Bond between WOMAN and MAN, and when they are together, they get attracted to each other very much to Kiss and later Make Love. [[Chris and Religion|GOD and JESUS WANTS US ALL TO EXPERIENCE and SHARE True, Straight LOVE!]] THERE IS NOTHING OBJECTIONABLE FROM THAT! I am a man who stand for [[China|True Love and Honesty,]] in comics AND in Real Life, although I am still a Frustrated [[Virgin with Rage|Virgin with]] [[Autism|Autisim]] on the side. [[Chris and his Ego|AT LEAST I AM MAKING A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IN KEEPING TRUE LOVE BETWEEN ONLY WOMAN AND MAN IN MY ACTIONS.]] On a Side-Note, I DESPISE ALL [[homos|HOMOSEXUAL MALES,]] PERIOD!

ALSO, I BET YOU PROBABLY [[Tobacky|SMOKE]] AND [[Chris and Hypocrisy|DRINK]], don't you? I SPEAK AGAINST THOSE AS WELL SINCE THEY ARE TOOLS TO SPEED YOU TO [[Chris and Death|DEATH]] WITH [[Chris and Health|CANCER,]] LIVER PROBLEMS, BAR FIGHTS AND AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENTS. GIVE UP THE HABITS! THEY ARE BEYOND [[rule 34|GROSS]] AND [[nudes|DISGUSTING!]]

<nowiki>*sigh*</nowiki>

Forgive me for raising my voice very loudly, but to ENCOURAGE the True, Straight Love that you obviously OBJECT, I felt it was Required and Necessary. [[Random Access Humour|I can be a "Resetti" too, Mr. Resetti.]]

Peace-Out,
Christian Weston Chandler.}}

----

{{quoteboxred|There wasn't. I never said there was. You assume too much and are way too paranoid about things, this is why I don't want to deal with you. Imagine if you were to flip out on someone while in the workplace like this? It'd be a complete PR disaster.

But I never said nudity or implied anything about your characters sexual preferences.

What I was referring to what the panty shot of Rosechu in one of the first frames. Then you show two characters in bed making love to each other.

Just what the hell kind of game did you want Nintendo to make?

Nintendo has always been in the business of making games for the whole family. That includes children. That is why you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, and you've shown that you're unable to do so.

Your mind seems too wired on other things. Your head seems to be in the clouds and you don't even know the first thing about being appropriate or tasteful. Did you think this game proposal would even be able to pass through the ESRB?

You know nothing about how the industry works. About things such as company reputation, age appropriate content or content that won't get shot down by the ESRB (look at the whole "Hot Coffee" GTA scandal for example). You just think you can do whatever you want and hope it flies.

Also from what I recall, you sent drawn pornography drawn in colored pencil/marker to Mr. Miyamoto TWICE. Imagine if you did this to someone in a business situation. Do you want me to hire you when you are such a loose cannon?

It's not possible. I can't risk having such a huge liability. And in fact, your behavior is the reason I've decided to remove you indefinitely from Nintendo, and I hope that someday you get your act together (which I don't see happening any time soon).

But until then, this project is over and gone for good. If anything was the last straw, it was this email. I don't have time to fight with you, you are completely unstable, irresponsible and the kind of person who would probably flip out or even hurt someone if he were to put in the workplace.

I'm glad you made that video and cleared everything up. But now, just leave me alone. I'm not going to even bother replying back after this, or if you keep this up.

Also, by the way. You didn't spell your name right at the end of the power point. You wrote it as "ChriSTAIN." That would be grounds for any potential employer to not hire someone. In addition to the behavior you've just displayed and the type of proposal you tried to make, the last thing we need is someone who can't even spell his own name.

Sincerely,
Reggie Fils-Aime}}

----

{{quotebox|Well, the game would not Constantly revolve around the Background Romance; it's called a "Happy Ending".

Christian Weston Chandler.}}

----

{{quoteboxred|It's not something you show in a business proposal. There is a time and place for everything. But I don't understand why I have to tell this to you.

Either way, it's all over now and I don't want to deal with you anymore. I hope that someday someone takes you to seek consoling or behavioral therapy, and that you someday are able to manage on your own, because I don't have time to listen or try to help you as that is not my job.

Please leave me alone and I hope for the best.

Sincerely,
Reggie Fils-Aime}}

==See also==

* [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 30th, 2009]]
* [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 31st, 2009]]
* [[The Sonichu Chronicles]]

==External links==
*[[Wikipedia:Reggie Fils-Aime|Wikipedia article on Reggie Fils-Aimé]]

{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Fils-Aimé, Reggie}}

[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Video Games]]

Rocky Shoemaker

2010-07-29T21:20:11Z

CWCvilleSanitation: HAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS

[[Image:shoemaker.jpg|thumb|Rocky Shoemaker]]

[[Image:ivyjesus.jpg|thumb|''[[Ivy]] vs. The Methodist Church''. Coming to a theater near you]]

'''Rochelle "Rocky" Shoemaker''' is a pastoral counselor (actual title - "Assistant Pastor for Care Ministries") at the [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]], who advised [[Chris]] on several matters, going as far back as the [[Miyamoto Saga]].

==Biography==

Rocky used to work in the [http://www.cof-umc.org/index.html Community of Faith United Methodist Church], where she garnered high praise and [http://cof-umc.org/blog/?p=3 comparisons with Rocky Balboa]. In the year of Our Lord [[2009]], brought about the end of the [[Ivy]] Saga, by pushing Chris to go to the police about Ivy.

This wasn't the first time she wanted to call the cops, either - [[Julie]] and [[PandaHalo]] have both incurred her wrath in the past.

The last straw came in the form of [[Joshua Martinez]], aka [[Vanessa Hudgens]], who tried to swindle some money out of Chris by trading him a [[PSP]]. After that, Shoemaker made [[Bob Chandler]] and [[Barb]] contact the cops who tried to find Ivy and even managed to get a background check on her and came up with nothing.

In a [[IRC (23 July 2009)|July 2009 IRC Chat]] Chris, believing that he had entered the chat incognito (although the trolls had in fact instantly seen through his false identity), suggested that the trolls force him to [[Chris and sex|rape]] Rocky. That's right. Despite the fact that she just might be the only person left with any hope for Chris, he still has fantasies about raping her and then blaming the trolls for making him do it. Rocky herself is aware that Chris said this. That she did not kick him out of the church on the spot speaks volumes about her sanity.

==The ultimate white knight?==
Rocky Shoemaker might be the only person in the world who is genuinely concerned about Christian's well-being. Judging by her approval of the [[Love Quest]], it can be inferred that she supports Christian's desire for [[china]].

Despite saving him from the wiles of Joshua Martinez and [[Clyde Cash]], it seems as though Rocky is ineffective at making an impact in Christian's life where it really matters - namely his [[Homos|bigotry]], [[Chris and his Ego|selfishness]], [[Chris and death|total disregard for others]], [[Chris and health|gluttony]], and [[Chris and anger|rage]].

One can usually spot her hand in affairs if Chris begins to display common sense. It is generally believed that she was behind Chris's attempt to quit the internet forever on 21 March 2010, as the video was made on a Sunday. Chris likely meets with her on Thursdays and Sundays, as he suddenly developed basic pattern recognition skills long enough to catch one troll on 29 April and smoke out [[Sydney Contacts|another]] on 1 May (though he may have simply gotten both mixed up with [[Jackie]]).

Chris insists that Rocky is a better counselor than a professional psychologist, and seems to accept uncritically whatever she says, even though her only qualifications are "big fan of [[GodJesus|Jesus]]."

==Contact info==
{{protip|If you try to contact Rocky, she probably won't listen to you as she gets all sorts of shit from trolls.}}
Rochelle Shoemaker 
315 Ivy Vista Dr. 
[[Charlottesville]], VA 22903 
(434) 244-2898 
(703) 517-2446 
Emails: revrocky48@gmail.com 
revrocky@yahoo.com 

==See also==
*[[Chris and religion]]
*[[Chris and sex]]
{{DEFAULTSORT:Shoemaker, Rocky}}
[[Category:People]]

Rocky Shoemaker

2010-07-29T21:15:32Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Biography */ Sanity nothin'. Anyone who will still white knight after THAT must have the patience of a saint.

[[Image:shoemaker.jpg|thumb|Rocky Shoemaker]]

[[Image:ivyjesus.jpg|thumb|''[[Ivy]] vs. The Methodist Church''. Coming to a theater near you]]

'''Rochelle "Rocky" Shoemaker''' is a pastoral counselor (actual title - "Assistant Pastor for Care Ministries") at the [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]], who advised [[Chris]] on several matters, going as far back as the [[Miyamoto Saga]].

==Biography==

Rocky used to work in the [http://www.cof-umc.org/index.html Community of Faith United Methodist Church], where she garnered high praise and [http://cof-umc.org/blog/?p=3 comparisons with Rocky Balboa]. In the year of Our Lord [[2009]], brought about the end of the [[Ivy]] Saga, by pushing Chris to go to the police about Ivy.

This wasn't the first time she wanted to call the cops, either - [[Julie]] and [[PandaHalo]] have both incurred her wrath in the past.

The last straw came in the form of [[Joshua Martinez]], aka [[Vanessa Hudgens]], who tried to swindle some money out of Chris by trading him a [[PSP]]. After that, Shoemaker made [[Bob Chandler]] and [[Barb]] contact the cops who tried to find Ivy and even managed to get a background check on her and came up with nothing.

In a [[IRC (23 July 2009)|July 2009 IRC Chat]] Chris, believing that he had entered the chat incognito (although the trolls had in fact instantly seen through his false identity), suggested that the trolls force him to [[Chris and sex|rape]] Rocky. That's right. Despite the fact that she just might be the only person left with any hope for Chris, he still has fantasies about raping her and then blaming the trolls for making him do it. Rocky herself is aware that Chris said this. That she did not kick him out of the church on the spot speaks volumes about her sanity (or patience, either way Chris is lucky to have at least one mortal being to not give up on him.)

==The ultimate white knight?==
Rocky Shoemaker might be the only person in the world who is genuinely concerned about Christian's well-being. Judging by her approval of the [[Love Quest]], it can be inferred that she supports Christian's desire for [[china]].

Despite saving him from the wiles of Joshua Martinez and [[Clyde Cash]], it seems as though Rocky is ineffective at making an impact in Christian's life where it really matters - namely his [[Homos|bigotry]], [[Chris and his Ego|selfishness]], [[Chris and death|total disregard for others]], [[Chris and health|gluttony]], and [[Chris and anger|rage]].

One can usually spot her hand in affairs if Chris begins to display common sense. It is generally believed that she was behind Chris's attempt to quit the internet forever on 21 March 2010, as the video was made on a Sunday. Chris likely meets with her on Thursdays and Sundays, as he suddenly developed basic pattern recognition skills long enough to catch one troll on 29 April and smoke out [[Sydney Contacts|another]] on 1 May (though he may have simply gotten both mixed up with [[Jackie]]).

Chris insists that Rocky is a better counselor than a professional psychologist, and seems to accept uncritically whatever she says, even though her only qualifications are "big fan of [[GodJesus|Jesus]]."

==Contact info==
{{protip|If you try to contact Rocky, she probably won't listen to you as she gets all sorts of shit from trolls.}}
Rochelle Shoemaker 
315 Ivy Vista Dr. 
[[Charlottesville]], VA 22903 
(434) 244-2898 
(703) 517-2446 
Emails: revrocky48@gmail.com 
revrocky@yahoo.com 

==See also==
*[[Chris and religion]]
*[[Chris and sex]]
{{DEFAULTSORT:Shoemaker, Rocky}}
[[Category:People]]

U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L

2010-07-23T07:34:45Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

[[File:Chris_chan_creep.jpg|thumb|Chris, performing some sort of unholy chanting.]]

"'''U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L'''" is a video uploaded by [[Chris]] on 15 January 2010. The video title, written in some kind of reversed [[Wikipedia:leet|1337]] pseudo-[[Spanish]], is translated as "Love [[Sonichu]] and hate [[Asperchu]]". However, the 1337 Chris uses is questionable at best. The characters placed in forward order don't read like he thinks they do.

Chris tries to be clever by speaking Spanish backwards, but he just ends up sounding like a raving lunatic. He ends the video by chanting "Uhcinos evol!" (love Sonichu) over and over again, perhaps believing he can brainwash everyone into liking him again, not that anyone ever has. Conversely, he uses the other incantation, "Uhcrepsa etah!" (hate Asperchu), in a failed attempt to draw away the [[troll|masses]] from the new [[Asperchu|rising star]] in the universe of the Hedgehog Pokémon.

It backfires horribly, as it comes out as sounding something like "Ho-whee Sonn-E-soo" and "a-het Ass-her-hoot." [[fail|Complete gibberish.]]

Some argue that he got the idea from [[Wikipedia:New_Kids_on_the_Blecch|this episode]] of ''[[The Simpsons]]'', where the Navy brainwashes people into joining by creating a song with the phrase, "Yvan eht nioj" as the chorus. The joke was that it was pronounced as it is written, making the idea of being able to hear it, then subliminally reconstruct the phrase in the listener's head, all the more ridiculous.

He has now been wearing the same shirt for about 4 days. Take from that what you will. He also promised early in the video that two new pages would be uploaded that evening, which turned out to be a [[lie]], as Chris did not update the [[CWCipedia]] that evening at all.
{{clear}}
==Video==

<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L
| image = {{#ev:youtube|u6jpaOQk5h8}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 15 January 2010
| Maker = [[Chris|Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Subject Matter = [[Image:Comics.png]] Comics
| Performance Style = [[Image:Crazy.png]] Crazy
| Saga = {{Asperchu}} [[Asperchu]] Saga
| Shirt = [[Image:Advicedogshirt.png]] [[Advice Chris|Advice Dog]]
| previous = [[15 January 2010]]
| next = [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]
}} </center>

===Transcript===

Ah, [[Captain's Log]], Stardate... I believe it is the 15th of [[January 2010]].

Hm. As usual, I will have two more pages tonight, I hope you all enjoyed the last page where [[Crystal]] finally got out of the mirror.

But recently, I am reminded of an old Spanish expression which goes simply as, ''Tú necesitas UHCREPSAETAH y UHCINOSEVOL per ganar felicidad por vida.'' [''Chris proceeds to mangle the Spanish language, though it can be translated to: "You need to hate [[Asperchu]] and love [[Sonichu]] in order to be happy for life."'']

Ah, couple of strong verbs in that sent- in that statement. Say it with me.

[''Chris gets frighteningly close to the camera, his eyebrows poised to strike.'']

UHCREPSAETAH... UHCREPSAETAH...

Y UHCINOSEVOL... UHCINOSEVOL...

Alright, stay safe and have a good day. Bye-

[''Video cuts off abruptly.'']

==Fan videos==
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris-Chan's satanic message played backwards
| video = {{#ev:youtube|v9ozL9TepGQ}}
| Stardate = 16 January 2010
| Maker = warpspeed651
| Subject = Chris
| Video Type = Played backwards
}}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Creepy CWC
| video = {{#ev:youtube|Cw0fJNIA7gc}}
| Stardate = 18 January 2010
| Maker = [http://www.youtube.com/user/IBAClydeCash IBAClydeCash]
| Subject = Chris
| Video Type = Creepy remix
}}

==See also==
*[[Spanish]]
*[[Asperchu]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[15 January 2010]]|nextlink=[[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]|}}

{{Captain's Log}}

U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L

2010-07-23T07:32:16Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

[[File:Chris_chan_creep.jpg|thumb|Chris, performing some sort of unholy chanting.]]

"'''U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L'''" is a video uploaded by [[Chris]] on 15 January 2010. The video title, written in some kind of reversed [[Wikipedia:leet|1337]] pseudo-[[Spanish]], is translated as "Love [[Sonichu]] and hate [[Asperchu]]". However, the 1337 Chris uses is questionable at best. The characters placed in forward order don't read like he thinks they do.

Chris tries to be clever by speaking Spanish backwards, but he just ends up sounding like a raving lunatic. He ends the video by chanting "Uhcinos evol!" (love Sonichu) over and over again, perhaps believing he can brainwash everyone into liking him again, not that anyone ever has. Conversely, he uses the other incantation, "Uhcrepsa etah!" (hate Asperchu), in a failed attempt to draw away the [[troll|masses]] from the new [[Asperchu|rising star]] in the universe of the Hedgehog Pokémon.

It backfires horribly, as it comes out as sounding somethinglike "Ho-whee Sonn-E-soo" and "a-het Ass-her-hoot." [[fail|Complete gibberish.]]

Some argue that he got the idea from [[Wikipedia:New_Kids_on_the_Blecch|this episode]] of ''[[The Simpsons]]'', where the Navy brainwashes people into joining by creating a song with the phrase, "Yvan eht nioj" as the chorus. The joke was that it was pronounced as it is written, making the idea of being able to hear it, then subliminally reconstruct the phrase in the listener's head, all the more ridiculous.

He has now been wearing the same shirt for about 4 days. Take from that what you will. He also promised early in the video that two new pages would be uploaded that evening, which turned out to be a [[lie]], as Chris did not update the [[CWCipedia]] that evening at all.
{{clear}}
==Video==

<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L
| image = {{#ev:youtube|u6jpaOQk5h8}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 15 January 2010
| Maker = [[Chris|Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Subject Matter = [[Image:Comics.png]] Comics
| Performance Style = [[Image:Crazy.png]] Crazy
| Saga = {{Asperchu}} [[Asperchu]] Saga
| Shirt = [[Image:Advicedogshirt.png]] [[Advice Chris|Advice Dog]]
| previous = [[15 January 2010]]
| next = [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]
}} </center>

===Transcript===

Ah, [[Captain's Log]], Stardate... I believe it is the 15th of [[January 2010]].

Hm. As usual, I will have two more pages tonight, I hope you all enjoyed the last page where [[Crystal]] finally got out of the mirror.

But recently, I am reminded of an old Spanish expression which goes simply as, ''Tú necesitas UHCREPSAETAH y UHCINOSEVOL per ganar felicidad por vida.'' [''Chris proceeds to mangle the Spanish language, though it can be translated to: "You need to hate [[Asperchu]] and love [[Sonichu]] in order to be happy for life."'']

Ah, couple of strong verbs in that sent- in that statement. Say it with me.

[''Chris gets frighteningly close to the camera, his eyebrows poised to strike.'']

UHCREPSAETAH... UHCREPSAETAH...

Y UHCINOSEVOL... UHCINOSEVOL...

Alright, stay safe and have a good day. Bye-

[''Video cuts off abruptly.'']

==Fan videos==
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris-Chan's satanic message played backwards
| video = {{#ev:youtube|v9ozL9TepGQ}}
| Stardate = 16 January 2010
| Maker = warpspeed651
| Subject = Chris
| Video Type = Played backwards
}}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Creepy CWC
| video = {{#ev:youtube|Cw0fJNIA7gc}}
| Stardate = 18 January 2010
| Maker = [http://www.youtube.com/user/IBAClydeCash IBAClydeCash]
| Subject = Chris
| Video Type = Creepy remix
}}

==See also==
*[[Spanish]]
*[[Asperchu]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[15 January 2010]]|nextlink=[[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]|}}

{{Captain's Log}}

U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L

2010-07-23T07:31:31Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

[[File:Chris_chan_creep.jpg|thumb|Chris, performing some sort of unholy chanting.]]

"'''U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L'''" is a video uploaded by [[Chris]] on 15 January 2010. The video title, written in some kind of reversed [[Wikipedia:leet|1337]] pseudo-[[Spanish]], is translated as "Love [[Sonichu]] and hate [[Asperchu]]". However, the 1337 Chris uses is questionable at best. The characters placed in forward order don't read like he thinks they do.

Chris tries to be clever by speaking Spanish backwards, but he just ends up sounding like a raving lunatic. He ends the video by chanting "Uhcinos evol!" (love Sonichu) over and over again, perhaps believing he can brainwash everyone into liking him again, not that anyone ever has. Conversely, he uses the other incantation, "Uhcrepsa etah!" (hate Asperchu), in a failed attempt to draw away the [[troll|masses]] from the new [[Asperchu|rising star]] in the universe of the Hedgehog Pokémon.

It backfires horribly, as it comes out as sounding somethinglike "Ho-ree Ssson-E-soo" and "a-het As-her-hoot." [[fail|Complete gibberish.]]

Some argue that he got the idea from [[Wikipedia:New_Kids_on_the_Blecch|this episode]] of ''[[The Simpsons]]'', where the Navy brainwashes people into joining by creating a song with the phrase, "Yvan eht nioj" as the chorus. The joke was that it was pronounced as it is written, making the idea of being able to hear it, then subliminally reconstruct the phrase in the listener's head, all the more ridiculous.

He has now been wearing the same shirt for about 4 days. Take from that what you will. He also promised early in the video that two new pages would be uploaded that evening, which turned out to be a [[lie]], as Chris did not update the [[CWCipedia]] that evening at all.
{{clear}}
==Video==

<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L
| image = {{#ev:youtube|u6jpaOQk5h8}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 15 January 2010
| Maker = [[Chris|Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Subject Matter = [[Image:Comics.png]] Comics
| Performance Style = [[Image:Crazy.png]] Crazy
| Saga = {{Asperchu}} [[Asperchu]] Saga
| Shirt = [[Image:Advicedogshirt.png]] [[Advice Chris|Advice Dog]]
| previous = [[15 January 2010]]
| next = [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]
}} </center>

===Transcript===

Ah, [[Captain's Log]], Stardate... I believe it is the 15th of [[January 2010]].

Hm. As usual, I will have two more pages tonight, I hope you all enjoyed the last page where [[Crystal]] finally got out of the mirror.

But recently, I am reminded of an old Spanish expression which goes simply as, ''Tú necesitas UHCREPSAETAH y UHCINOSEVOL per ganar felicidad por vida.'' [''Chris proceeds to mangle the Spanish language, though it can be translated to: "You need to hate [[Asperchu]] and love [[Sonichu]] in order to be happy for life."'']

Ah, couple of strong verbs in that sent- in that statement. Say it with me.

[''Chris gets frighteningly close to the camera, his eyebrows poised to strike.'']

UHCREPSAETAH... UHCREPSAETAH...

Y UHCINOSEVOL... UHCINOSEVOL...

Alright, stay safe and have a good day. Bye-

[''Video cuts off abruptly.'']

==Fan videos==
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris-Chan's satanic message played backwards
| video = {{#ev:youtube|v9ozL9TepGQ}}
| Stardate = 16 January 2010
| Maker = warpspeed651
| Subject = Chris
| Video Type = Played backwards
}}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Creepy CWC
| video = {{#ev:youtube|Cw0fJNIA7gc}}
| Stardate = 18 January 2010
| Maker = [http://www.youtube.com/user/IBAClydeCash IBAClydeCash]
| Subject = Chris
| Video Type = Creepy remix
}}

==See also==
*[[Spanish]]
*[[Asperchu]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[15 January 2010]]|nextlink=[[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]|}}

{{Captain's Log}}

Hello, Juffalo

2010-07-04T23:47:24Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

"'''Hello, Juffalo'''" (or "'''Hello, Juffalo.MOV'''") is another video in which [[Chris]] fails at life, performing "Juggalo Family" by Dark Lotus, and fucking up the lyrics constantly.

Chris tries hard to act like a [[Wikipedia:Juggalo|Juggalo]] by painting his face like a Sonichu-themed clown (note the rosey red cheeks) and imitating stereotypes of gangster subculture. He is close to having no flow, spending the majority of the time either mumbling the lyrics or not even reciting them at all. He also gives a shout-out to "[http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Juffalo Juffalos]", [[fail|which is apparently a Juggalo term for superficial poseurs who don't understand the depth and complexity of clown-related rap music]].

This is the second time [[Homos|Chris wore makeup]], with the first time being shown in [[War Paint Video|War Paint Video]].

He dedicates this song to an unnamed [[gal pal]], whose influence likely explains the sudden influx of Chris-chan rap videos.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = Hello, Juffalo
| image = {{#ev:youtube|_YWgTHW2NAg}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 18 December 2009
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Subject Matter = [[Image:Music.png]] Music [[Image:Galpals.png]] [[Gal pals]]
| Performance Style = [[Image:Crazy.png]] Crazy
| Shirt = {{StraightWhiteLinesShirt}} Straight White Lines
| previous = [[IPods Down and Listen Up]]
| next = [[20 December 2009]]
}}
</center>

===Transcript===

[[Captain's Log|Captain's Rockin' Log]], fans, and we're rockin 'it out loud with Juffalo family for my gal pal.

And you want to know if I'll trade ten Juggalos for a hundred mainstream fans, and I said, "I wouldn't trade ten Juggalos for a hundred thousand mainstream fans; ten Juggalos is priceless." I got love for my homies, members of the Lotus. United we stand, squashing all deadly fo-ces. Been to Hell, could've spent an eternity there. [[6 June 2010|All]] [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|the]] [[April 16 Fetish Vids|bad]] [[nudes|shit]] [[Meagan|I]] [[Father Call|done]], I should still be there. Juggalos can ya feel me, worldwide, running with the hatchet straight out of Lotus Pod? Always got th' end screaming Juggalos [''indistinct, attempts to mumble lyrics''] Juggalos, Dark Lotus. Psychopathic, that's the way you go. They keep me going when I'm down and out. I pick phone up, drop them a line and hear them shout saying, "[''indistinct''] is the shit," until I'm down in the ground! I give a shout to all the [[homos]] and the [[china|chinas]] who keep me started. All my Juggalos always representing when departed.

[''mumbling stops, shouting begins''] [[Twin Falling Towers|Mass murder make me happy]]; [[Chris and death|dead bodies make me happy]]. Say what you will of me, I'll-always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll always have a Juggalo familaaaay!

Six individual pelt over and stiff. They try to ride away don't follow my chain..there's be a dirt filled grit and grind. Goodbye Juggalo..[''mumbles''] What's mine is yours. That's why I go to a dark carnival and show you a different world. [''mumbles'']-juggalo, hatchet! [[Homos|Tell 'em I'm gonna be sucking your dick!]] Bitch be psychopathic! On my iPod be living it all along..[''mumbles'']- of the sunlight! [''mumbles'']-for so many years that I question the love in my heart. I hate everyone and I hate everything. Except all the Juggalos and the love that they bring! I love ya!

Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me, I'll always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me, I'll always have a Juggalo family!

[''Chris struggles to keep up with the lyrics while ICP music is playing in the background'']—still be saggy, I wouldn't be fat; I'd still be hungry and crabby. We used to buy our own records at the stores, so they would think it was a hot seller, in other words. But we built a team of killers with the same dream, but we couldn't reach the top; we'd stay like Charlie Sheen. We finally realized we will always have the Juggalos. I'll never give another second to them other hoes!

Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will about me! I'll always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; say what you will of me. [''indistinct''] of me. I'll always have a Juggalo family.

[''Chris makes retarded poses while slurring "Lotus, Lotus, Lotus, Lotus"'']

And they wanted to know if I would trade ten Juggalos for a hundred mainstream fans, and I said, "I wouldn't trade ten Juggalos for a hundred thousand mainstream fans; ten Juggalos is priceless."

Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll-lways have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll-lways have a Juggalo family. [''clears throat''] Dead bodies make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll-lways have a Juggalo family. [''fades out''] Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll-lways got a Juggalo family.

==See also==
*[[Fan:Choose Your Own Adventure]], which predicted that Chris would become a Juggalo

==External links==
*[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/darklotus/juggalofamily.html The actual lyrics]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[IPods Down and Listen Up]]|nextlink=[[20 December 2009]]|}}

{{Music Videos}}
[[Category: Yo! CWC Raps]]

White knight

2010-07-02T17:02:54Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

[[Image:Jack's Knight as William Spicer.jpg|thumb|right|180px|Artist's conception. Bad artist, but still.]]

{{quote|Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?|Chris, [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero]]}}

'''White knight''' is a term used to describe someone who goes on the internet to help or defend someone else on the internet against other people on the internet out of pity or compassion. White knighting of Chris is especially prevalent because of the unprecedented amount of abuse he has taken, which in turn is caused by Chris's total inability to heed the white knights in his life.

'''Counter trolls''' are those who take Chris's side to spite his legion of [[trolls]]. Some do this because trolling one gullible idiot is less satisfying than trolling trolls who actually have the ability to understand what is going on. Others have decided that Chris-chan has jumped the shark and are trying to make everyone else leave him alone to put a stop to an old meme. Counter-trolls are not to be confused with [[anti-troll]]s, who fight trolls in order to get closer to Chris and troll him.

A meta-topic within the broader Chris-chan saga has been the merits of attempting to help Chris stop being such an epic lulzcow, and whether he is deserving or even beyond such assistance. The consensus on forums such as the talk page for Chris's [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] article, /cwc/, [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens (message board)|PVCC]] and [[Sonichu (IRC chat)|#sonichu]] is that Chris's [[Racism|racism]], [[Chris and Sex|homophobia]], and [[Chris and his Ego|narcissism]] make him beneath contempt; and that he has consistently refused to take advice given to him on good faith. White knights and counter-trolls are considered to be wasting everyone's time and trolls have little patience for them.

==Motives==

===Pity===
Following the release of Chris's first [[nudes|nude photos]] and the [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 21st, 2008|21 October 2008 video]] in which he reacted to the loss of his [[medallion]]s and [[Blanca]], many, including trolls, felt sorry for him. They had not expected it to be possible for him to be trolled so hard or for him to appear so shattered.

===Empathy===
The internet is full of autistic people, man-children, and self-absorbed morons. Many of them are right here, fascinated with Chris-chan. All of them see something of themselves in him, whether it's his all-consuming need for female companionship or his fervent belief that his homemade comics matter. A lot of white knights have made at least some of the mistakes Chris has made and have since wised up. They think they can help improve Chris by offering the benefit of their experience.

BAAAAAAAW! [[Kick the Autistic]] is a cruel game. Quit it!

===Circumstances beyond Chris's control===
There is ongoing debate about whether Chris is actually [[autism|autistic]]. Regardless, there is clear evidence that he suffers from serious mental deficiencies of some kind.

Chris [[fail]]s to identify people, a possible sign of [[Wikipedia:Prosopagnosia|Prosopagnosia]]. [[BlueSpike|Julie and her brother Max]] used the same voice, and yet Chris couldn't recognize that they were the same person. Pictures of different women were used to depict [[Blanca]], and yet Chris thought they were the same person. Chris believed that pictures of [[Wikipedia:Megan Fox|Megan Fox]] were of [[Wikipedia:Vanessa Hudgens|Vanessa Hudgens]].<ref>[[Vanessa AIM Chat 9]]</ref> In high school, Chris memorized his appearance in the mirror because he had trouble recognizing himself.<ref> [[Sonichu 7]] - [http://thedailypos.org/misc/sonichu/Issue%207/SchuComic8Page24.jpg "...I had to train my brain to visually remember what I looked like..."]</ref> Since he probably hasn't "updated" his self-image, this is a possible explanation regarding why he denies being fat.

Chris cannot "read between the lines" or otherwise interpret subtlety. He interprets [[Family Guy]] as being against homosexuality.<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate March 10th, 2009]]</ref> When two male acquaintances exchanged sarcastic homosexual remarks, Chris concluded that they were gay.<ref>Anecdote by [[Mimms]].</ref>

Furthermore, Chris's upbringing was anything but ideal. All of these factors and probably many more have helped give us the man-child we know today.

===The trolls are even worse people than Chris===
Another frequently heard line of reasoning is that the trolls have gone way too far, and have demonstrated that they're even worse than Chris, or at least equally pathetic. For example, [[BlueSpike]]'s sadistic abuse of his control over Chris [[BLUESPIKE#Encyclopedia_Dramatica_Troll_War|outraged even trolls]]. And, of course, who really has no life here: Chris, or the people who [[CWCki|obsessively document and debate everything he does]]?

==Reasons against white knighting==
===Chris lacks empathy himself===
:''See also: [[Chris and death]], [[Chris and his Ego]]''
Chris cannot put himself in your shoes or accept that you have been where he is. He has no "theory of mind": if you used to be as shy around women as he is today, in his mind the fact that you aren't shy anymore makes your experience inapplicable to his situation. To Chris, the fact you got over it and he hasn't yet makes the two cases entirely different. He doesn't want to solve his problems by trying what worked for you, he only wants you to pity him for having problems, until he [[Dating education|magically dreams up his own solution]].

:'''RocketFox:''' My father died of liver cancer and cirrohosis a day ago ;~; he drank a ton and it hurt him - I'm only 11 and I dunno what to do ;~;
:'''Chris:''' RocketFox, you will soon recover from your father's accident, I guess it is; DO NOT DRINK Alcohol yourself; STAY OFF THAT JUNK.<ref>[[IRC (16 October 2008)]]</ref>

Chris's interpretation of the death of RocketFox's dad as an accident shows that he didn't even bother to look up what cirrhosis is. Immediately afterward, he started talking about a sexy dance.

Chris's reactions to suicide are very telling. After [[Ryan Cash]] died because of Chris, Chris marveled at how much power he had right after he tried to publicly console [[Clyde Cash]].<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate December 28th, 2008]]</ref> When [[Sarah May]] attempted suicide because of Chris, his reasons for her to stay alive were "I'd feel terrible" and "I'd just cry."<ref>[[Mumble 8]]</ref><ref>[[CWC Shout Out to Sarah May]]</ref> When Chris broke up with [[Ivy]], he somehow concocted, in his head, an assumption that that she had committed suicide. Even after having lost so many dear friends to suicide, he still had no problems telling Clyde and [[Jack Thaddeus]] to [[death threats|kill themselves]]. Many people who have had to dealt with suicidal people or have lost relatives and friends due to suicides might not exactly find this amusing.

In the [[Common_Questions#22_February_2010|22 February 2010]] edition of the [[CWCipedia]]'s "Common Questions," Chris listed the top ten worst things to have ever happened to him. The deaths of "two True and Good Women who [he] had friendships with," [[PandaHalo]] and [[Sarah Jackson]], ranked seventh. Those tragic events ranked below getting banned from a game store, finding out two people from said store were posting info about him on ED, and having his personal websites hacked.

On [[Twin Falling Towers|1 November 2009]], Chris made a video involving Clyde being as "weak as the Twin Towers" and used his mouse cursor as a plane flying into them.<ref>[[Twin Falling Towers]]</ref>

When Rashid Ali Abdul, an Iranian [[trolls|fan]], told him that her country's religious authorities sentenced her to death by beheading for reading Sonichu, Chris said that he was sorry and that the situation was "Pitiful".<ref>[[Mailbag 8]]</ref>

While some of this can be attributed to Chris's [[autism]], a condition that often results in a lack of empathy, most autistics can at least learn how to express empathy through a combination of carefully reading the emotions of others and thinking about how a situation affects other people. Chris refuses to seek serious counseling or psychiatric help for this sort of thing - but that's another point.

===Autism does not excuse a terrible person===

Chris knows he has trouble understanding non-verbal social cues due to his autism,<ref>[[Quizzes#Autism Quiz]]</ref> and yet he still jumps the gun on interpreting other people's intentions all the time.

Autism, in and of itself, does not create a failure as massive as Chris Chandler. A majority of autistics manage to get psychiatric help for their problem and are able to develop social and emotional skills so they can cope with their disability and lead rewarding and rich lives. Yet while Chris acknowledges he has a problem, he refuses to do anything more than see the [[Rocky Shoemaker|pastoral counselor]] at his church, who is not a professional trained in the treatment of autism spectrum disorders.<ref>[[Vivian's AIM chat]]</ref>

Chris is fully capable of understanding the consequences of his actions. He has a sense of morality (even if he often ignores it in favor of his own selfish interests). He would be (and has been) held accountable for his own actions in a court of law. The fact he is a racist, a homophobe, and a misogynist has nothing to do with his autism.

===Chris is beyond pity===
[[Image:Chrischantwoface.jpg|thumb|right|Chris's mood is all over the place, even between videos posted shortly after each other. "[[Happy Sonichu Day|Thank you for your support]]"... "[[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|Goddamn womanizing raping trollin' stupid pickle-suited n—!]]"]]
Chris is capable of doing some very bad things when provoked, which is a quite understandable (if not acceptable) response to trolling. However, "provocation" in this case doesn't necessarily mean harassment or trolling. Merely disagreeing with Chris or asking him why he does what he does can provoke an attack, up to and including threats of violence and death. When Chris is annoyed, frustrated, or overcome by desire or lust, he's capable of doing ''nasty'' things. Moreover, when Chris loses it, he doesn't think of the consequences of his actions at all, and his expressions of outrage are completely out of proportion to the provocation — often more outrageous in themselves than whatever the trolls did.

Chris [[Yu-Gi-Oh!|insulted little kids in card games]] and scared some of them away from visiting [[The GAMe PLACe]]. [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]], who frequented The GAMe PLACe and knew Chris in real life years before he was discovered by the internet, couldn't list any redeemable qualities he possessed.

Chris sexually harassed a [[Megan|woman]] in real life. Megan made it explicitly clear to him that his physical contact and comments to her were unacceptable, but he continued anyway, convinced that eventually she would learn to love being molested by a mentally ill man-child and become his [[Sweethearts|Sweetheart From The Ground Up]].

After Megan yelled at Chris for uploading [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|a picture of him fingerbanging her]] to [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], he did not apologize,<ref>[http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Chris-chan/Megan_Saga Megan Saga]</ref> but rather explained to her (in a terribly [[naïve]] way) how a handjob works, under the misguided assumption that she merely was upset because she didn't recognize the sex act being performed, or in the hope that she would rationalize what he did on this basis. He then had the nerve to say to her, "I am hurting SOOOOO MUCH MORE than you can be."<ref>[http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Chris-chan/Megan_Saga Megan Saga]</ref> Why? Not because of the picture, but because the trolls were being mean to him. Yes, ''him''. Based on [[List of Chris's ED edits|his ED edits]], he was more concerned with people thinking he was fingering his [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|imaginary twin sister]] than he was with defending Megan's honor.

After each of his online relationships ends, Chris starts looking for a new [[sweetheart]] right away, ''even if she died''. No matter the setback, his ego keeps getting bigger.

In mid-July 2009, he [[The July 10th Messages|addressed a person named 'SonichuIzCool']] on YouTube. SonichuIzCool was (''was'') probably the only genuine fan of Sonichu discovered to date, someone who tried to defend Chris and his comic. She was also genuinely mentally retarded. In his YouTube message, Chris called her "[[naïve]] and [[slow in the mind]]". He told her she had to "come out where [he] can meet [her]." Another side of this incident is that his YouTube account had been recently hacked, and he had managed to recover it this time, thus avoiding all of the nasty evil damage the trolls ''might'' have caused. After he posted this video, though, he got his account suspended due to ''his own actions''.

In early November 2009, in his attempt to blackmail Clyde Cash, Chris went so far as to mock the [[Twin Falling Towers|World Trade Center terror attacks]]. When feeling angry at Clyde Cash, he not only thought it would be a good idea to blackmail him, but he used the ''destruction of two skyscrapers full of people after being hit by airliners full of jet fuel and human beings'' as a metaphor for how weak he thought Clyde was. When people got angry, he tried to fix things by turning the WTC towers into cake candles. To the best of anyone's knowledge, Chris was never coaxed or encouraged by an outside source to use the WTC images. He came up with this reprehensible idea all on his own.

===Chris cares only for himself===

Chris spends [[monthly tugboat|your tax money]] on luxuries and steals from his parents to buy [[PSN|video games]] he'll never play. He has the basic skills necessary to hold down a job, so long as it didn't require him to do much interacting with other people, and programs exist specifically to find appropriate jobs for the mentally challenged, but Chris hasn't even tried since being fired from [[Wendy's]].

Further reinforcing his selfishness and laziness, Chris and his family strongly agree it's better for him to hole up in his room and get paid for doing absolutely nothing than to seek out the challenge of finding gainful employment in the real world. This is based on the (quite possibly untrue) assertion that Chris can earn more on disability than from a job. By taking advantage of the government through vastly exaggerated claims of an easily manageable illness which they refuse to help Chris treat, Chris's parents are assured a steady income in the form of his room-and-board payments, and don't have to worry about Chris getting in trouble with the law [[Chris and the Law|again]] when he has another breakdown in public.

===Chris is not a good net citizen===
{{quote|I will have NO DISCUSSIONS GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK ON MY OWN WEBSITE WHATSOEVER!|Chris, on reader participation via [[Twitter]]}}
Chris is more concerned with spreading his own version of [[Honest Content|honest truth]] than being a good net citizen. He has adopted the mentality that most spammers have adopted: who cares about things like terms of service and account suspensions and masses of pissed-off people as long as his message gets through? He won't participate in the communities of the sites he posts on. This is not mere ''passivity'' in those communities, which might still be tolerable; he ''deliberately opposes'' such participation. Most people, while not bothering to contribute to communities, would not at least make deliberate efforts to hinder the community. On [[deviantART]] and [[YouTube]], he disables all comments, probably because he knew he'd not get any praise anyway — yet this ignores the fact that open commenting is part of the nature of these sites and disabling comments should be done only if it's being clearly used for flagrant abuses of the system, like spam and votebotting. He regards YouTube purely as a video publishing venue and not as a tool for engaging in discussion with his "fans." He created his [[Wikipedia]] user page purely to spread his own message, and did not come to Wikipedia to participate in building an encyclopedia. If the site owners block him, he just comes up with another account or a sockpuppet. The thought of apologizing, getting old accounts reinstated, or the the possibility that people who block him might be trying to send him a message never cross his mind.

Chris's behavior on [[CWCipedia]] provides many more examples of his selfish attitude, such as the banner ad crisis in late 2009. He doesn't understand what it ''really'' means that the website is neither hosted nor paid for by him personally, and what sort of things the administration typically does on a website like his. He can't or won't understand simple principles like "webhost's house, webhost's rules," or "beggars can't be choosers," but instead believes that since the site has his name on it, it should be run according to his every demand.

===Chris will reject your advice===

[[Image:0231-MrsSanfordsWiseWords.jpg|thumb|right|What are you going to tell Chris that his [[Virginia Jeanine Sanford|favorite teacher]] didn't tell him 15 years ago?]]

Someone [[White knight emails|carefully explained to Chris why he is a sexist]]. In response, Chris got angry. He is only interested in a guide on how to attract women without first making any changes to himself. Most ridiculous: he denies being overweight.

Read [[Vivitheg's AIM chat|Vivian's AIM chat]]. Vivian actually used to be a counter-troll, and warned Chris several times that [[PandaHalo]] was a troll. Chris fell for PandaHalo anyway. She then tried to talk some damn sense on him over AIM. But Chris proved to be so goddamn stubborn, she actually tossed the towel and became a troll out of spite. In Vivitheg's words: "i've tried for 3 hours now; it's like fighting a wall, i can't beat the wall no matter how hard i try". Not only has she long since joined the troll ranks, but Chris even began [[Sign Destruction Video|berating and sending threats]] to his biggest white knight ever.

===Chris will reject your disclosure of the truth===

* [[Hanna]] was a real life troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Lori Lopez]] was a real life troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Blanca]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[PandaHalo]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it, despite [[Vivitheg]]'s warnings.<ref>[[Vivian Gee E-mails]]</ref>
* [[Robert Simmons V]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Sarah May]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Sarah Jackson]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Shigeru Miyamoto]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Julie]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Ivy]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it, despite warnings from the counter-troll that must not be named.
* [[Vanessa Hudgens]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Emily]] was a real life troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Kacey]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it. She also married [[CChanSonichuCWC|the TRUE and HONEST Christian Weston Chandler]].
* [[Father Call|Matthew, Kacey's father]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.
* [[Jackie]] was a troll, and Chris fell for it.

See a pattern here? Do you really think he will believe any evidence you send him proving that every fan he has, and pretty much every person he has been in contact with over the past year, is a troll?

===Chris asks for it, and always recovers===

Hell-bent on spreading his version of the truth because he's True and Honest, Chris cannot realize that his edit warring on Encyclopedia Dramatica was practically a squeal begging for more trolling.

[[wiktionary:TMI|TMI]] is a tactic Chris uses that usually leads to him abusing himself. Since Chris insists on revealing the most minute details of his life to everyone he meets, the trolls always get more information to fuel further acts of trolling. White knights cannot stop our hero from being Honest.

Chris doesn't get embarrassed either. Oh, his nudes and lewd acts are all over the internet? No big deal! [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 28th, 2009|All adults do that kind of thing, so what's the problem?]]

Chris managed to fully recover from the depressing [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 21st, 2008|21 October 2008 video]] mentioned above (and quite quickly, too) and proceeded to fail even harder for months. Likewise, despite professing great emotional distress, he bounced back from [[CWC is Sad|the loss of Kacey]] in [[Red Letter CWC Certified Day|a matter of hours]]. So what's the problem?

===Chris made himself an outcast===

High school and college are the places and moments where people are given their first and often only chance to become a functioning part of society. They gave Chris an even greater chance because he's [[autistic]]. They lent him a friendly, caring hand and opened themselves to his friendship, males and females alike. And what did Chris do? He ''refused, by choice,'' to associate with anyone who wasn't female, young, rich, white, and within the Charlottesville area.

When [[Mary Lee Walsh|the Dean]] gave him a chance to reform his behavior, he kept going with his bullshit, and was rightly kicked out of [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]] for a full year. What did he learn from that? He learned that Mary Lee Walsh was an evil hag with a personal vendetta against him. He was given ''several'' chances to learn that his [[Attraction_sign|loitering and soliciting]] were not appropriate behavior in a public place, and what did he learn? He learned that mall cops are [[Jerkops]], that [[Virginia is for Virgins]], and that his [[Love Quest]] was a matter of him against the world, with the world in the role of the villain. After he was kicked out of The Game Place (where he was again given more leeway than most people ever would have gotten, out of a sense of misguided pity), he was barred from the last place in Ruckersville that was still open to him, and left with only one place: his home.

Now, it's too late for Chris. He was given a friendly hand, but he angrily bit it, and that hand will never reach out to him again. He doesn't even belong in his own home anymore. He spends most of his time in exile in his fantasy land of [[CWCville]], the one and only place still open to him, and that place ''doesn't even exist''.

===[[Stress]]===

In order to get close to Chris, white knights have to spend at least as much time and effort as trolls to get up-to-date and to thwart the troll output. They'd probably have to lie and pretend to be a girl or video game designer to even capture his attention. This combined with Chris's usual responses is enough to make any sane non-professional psychologist [[Captain's_Log,_Stardate_October_21st,_2008|Crash Into Slumber]].

===Chris will not even read your message===

The spam filter is a powerful innovation of good ol' America Online. Any e-mails sent to his private address will be deleted, probably unread, and any e-mails sent to the [[Mailbag]], if they even get published, will be [[Mailbag 29|given one-word replies and ignored]].

===The trolling will not cease===

Even if white knights get to Chris somehow, there is no endgame in which Chris will be free from trolls before his death.

In school, Chris was trolled by his classmates. He was even trolled by one of his [[Joshua Martinez|real life friends]]. In college, he was trolled by [[Mimms|friends]] [[Lucas|who]] grew sick of his bullshit, and by [[Anna_McLerran|girls]] [[Hannah|annoyed]] by his "attraction methods" and rampant, unabashed sexism. If Chris [[Youtube Finale|quit the]] [[C-Ya Later|Internet tomorrow]], he would [[100 2178|still be trolled]] by a society that refuses to tolerate ignorant manchildren flouting its rules.

If everyone trying to create his next fake sweetheart suddenly got bored and quit, Chris would unwittingly seek out new trolls to take their place, and we know newfags are more than willing.

If Chris isn't assigned a custodian after his parents die, his story will probably end when he falls victim to some con artist who swindles him out of his [[monthly tugboat]] and perhaps his home.

If Chris does get assigned a custodian, he will continue his antics until the custodian kicks him out or bans him from the internet.

If the custodian bans Chris from the internet, that's Chris trolling himself.

If Chris gets institutionalized, he will attract [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pS0kIavTfic real life trolls] at the mental hospital.

If Chris does not go into an institution and instead ends up in prison due to circumstances that cannot be foreseen, he will be trolled there as well.

If the entire world reforms and decides to leave Chris alone, his own sense of victimization will override any benefit. Consider that Chris felt persecuted simply by observing [[Jerks|males who had more success than himself]]. He regards [[Jerkops|legitimate]] [[Bagget|assertions]] [[B-Manajerk|of]] [[Mary Lee Walsh|authority]] as rank brutality. [[Adam Stackhouse]] managed to upset Chris to a degree that CWC observers rate among the most impressive to date, and he did it without even knowing that Chris existed at the time. Bleak as it is, unless Chris embarks on a program of radical self-improvement and/or learns some humility, and manages against the odds to shake off both his legions of abusers and seamy reputation, he will forever feel like a [[Kick the Autistic|thoroughly kicked autistic]].

===The trolling helps Chris, and indeed others===
If Chris were just some random nobody on the internet, he'd be doing nothing but playing video games and occasionally drawing unsellable comics until his parents died. Then he'd be institutionalized. He'd remain without social skills, a virgin all his life, with no job, success or future.

Instead, Chris's antics have become a cultural phenomenon that — without exaggeration — is something extraordinary, unique, and which likely won't be replicated in any shape or form for years to come. Chris has secured his place among such luminaries as the Time Cube guy and John Titor, and unlike the Time Cube guy, you can actually comprehend what Chris is saying most of the time. Chris interacting with the world through his websites and YouTube has drawn in a crowd of people who are participating in an unprecedented, continual piece of performance art of a kind that would have been unheard of only a few years ago. He brings entertainment to thousands of people all over the world, an accomplishment that most could never dream of achieving — the kind of thing that would give Dane Cook a stiffy just to consider. His internet fame is actually a sort of success in its own right, and may bring him further success. There are thousands of people out there that are so fascinated by him that they study his life on a daily basis.

One could argue that if Chris eventually "retired" from this comedy act by actually coming to terms with his problems, seeking professional help, and completely reforming (and selling media rights to his life's story to the highest bidder, like all sensible people would do), he could live the rest of his life secure and probably moderately wealthy. The troll audience would give him a standing ovation for entertaining them for as long as he did, and move on to the next piece of tragicomedy brought to us by the emerging Web technologies. We have seen far more messed-up celebrity stories already; Chris's tale is at least quite different from the norm and engaging.

What's more, the trolls provide him with an actual social outlet to learn and grow in life. Instead of being an unemployable, hideous, fat, virgin bedroom dweller that nobody has ever heard of, he's an internet-famous unemployable, hideous, fat, virgin bedroom dweller and this by itself increases his chances of getting friends and a girl. He may even end up employed, too, probably appearing in an advertisement or sponging off royalties from any biographical medium, whether it be a book, movie or TV series. He could become the next William Hung if he put half an ounce of effort into it.

Also, Chris's constant failure at life has inspired [[Autism#What other aspies think of Chris|hundreds]] to self-improvement. Really, he's accomplishing a pretty good thing here.

===Chris treats "fans" and white knights like crap===
If you try to white knight him, his response is merely to block you on YouTube, AIM or any other messenger service and never respond. He accuses practically all white knights of being trolls. Quite ironic, isn't it? He screams "I'M STRAIGHT!" when you tell him up front that you're a guy. When you tell him his current "girlfriend" is actually a troll, he'll accuse you of wanting to "break up the relationship for the lulz." He'll be rude, won't listen and won't read between the lines. He will always bite the hand that feeds him, so you should just let him wallow in his own self loathing.

{{quote|Whatever.|Send Chris a 400-word, well-reasoned email — get a [[Mailbag 29#Whatever|1-word reply]] back}}
{{quote|You can go f*** yourself.|[[Mailbag 43#Go Fuck Yourself, too!|A not-so reasonable reply]] to reasonable criticism}}

Chris doesn't treat his (perceived) fans much better. Even aside from the SonichuIzCool incident mentioned above, Chris has severe problems answering questions from his fans (or trolls who pretend to be positive fans), and will often react in a hostile manner to everything he sees as negative or offensive. His [[Mailbag]] is the most obvious example. He hates being corrected, and tenaciously clings to his misinformed beliefs; his insistence that Asperger's Syndrome and autism are unrelated is a good example of this. When or if he's having a good day and manages to answer questions from fans at all, he often gives them very brief, one or two word answers that do not elaborate on anything, or outright ignore parts of the question. Not only is he terse, but he's slow to act as well; for example, it [[Brutal Legend Plus|took him three days to realize]] that a [[Brutal Legend|video he uploaded]] was seriously broken. He also promised that [[Sonichu Fan Promo|a spectacular fan creation]] would be officially featured in the Sonichu comic — and it ultimately was, ''over a year later.''

Most webcomics have a specific schedule that they have decided to follow. Many webcomics fail to live up to them – some less, some more; some for good reasons, some have no excuse whatsoever. Chris didn't have a set schedule for the comic for the longest time, but then agreed to update the comic on a daily basis, a schedule which even the most well-funded webcomic artists would consider particularly demanding. In February and March 2010, there have been few updates to the comic. When the inevitable complaints about schedule slip started to come, Chris snapped at his fans by saying that inspiration takes its time, forgetting that it was ''he'' who decided daily updates were the way to go. As the "Great Director Chandler", he could have the power to decide what schedule to follow, but instead, he chose to attack his fans.

==Examples==

:''Read: [[White knight emails]]''

[[Svenka]] is a counter-troll.

On 6 [[May 2009]], [[YouTube]] user xThexPinchx/NorthxStar7/[http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePinchisDaBomb ThePinchisDaBomb] tried to blackmail major trolls, claiming to have information on them. He was easily called on his bluff by someone who had not trolled Chris at all.<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/user/softerthanhardware YouTube]</ref> The Pinch has also threatened [[BlueSpike]] saying he has information from his friends but the thing is '''BLUESPIKE HAS NO FRIENDS.'''

====TV Tropes====

[http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Sonichu The TV Tropes article on Sonichu] <s>currently has</s> used to have a white-knight message as the first text of the article, with a link back to this very page. The message is reproduced below:

{{quote|Hey Chris! If you're reading this: you seriously need to get help from licensed professionals, before the stuff you do gets you thrown in prison or forcibly committed. And we're sorry, but you have no real fans - the people you think are your fans are really either trolls or laughing at you behind your back. Every. Last. One. [[white knight|Please listen to us - for once.]]|- Concerned tropers}}

Unfortunately, TV Tropes doesn't have as much experience with Chris as we do and fails to realize that [[chris and his ego|their message, while well intentioned, will do absolutely nothing]] and Chris will simply ignore it even if he does [[Mailbag 52|fully read and input it for better development. Thank you for your time.]]

For reasons unknown, the message, as well as the entire article itself, has been removed (possibly due either to the above paragraph or a Troper who knows more about Chris than whoever wrote the message).

==In Conclusion==
As good as your intentions may be, there is no conceivable way any mortal man alive can reach Chris and change him for the better. Your efforts will unfortunately fail, and he will just brush you aside, seeing no difference between you and the trolls. Nothing short of divine intervention, revelation, or a horrifyingly close brush with death will change him. You would be best to leave him be and find something else to do with your time. All we can do is hope that one of the three afore-mentioned scenarios happen at some point, [[Chris and Religion|though the first two seem highly unlikely.]]

==Sauces==
<references />

==External links==
* [http://encyclopediadramatica.com/White_knight White Knighting] article at [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]

[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Trolling]]

Hello, Juffalo

2010-06-28T04:05:42Z

CWCvilleSanitation: It had to be done.

"'''Hello, Juffalo'''" (or "'''Hello, Juffalo.MOV'''") is another video in which [[Chris]] fails at life, performing "Juggalo Family" by Dark Lotus.

Chris tries hard to act like a [[Wikipedia:Juggalo|Juggalo]] by painting his face like a Sonichu-themed clown (note the rosey red cheeks) and imitating stereotypes of gangster subculture. He is close to having no flow, spending the majority of the time either mumbling the lyrics or not even reciting them at all. He also gives a shout-out to "[http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Juffalo Juffalos]", [[fail|which is apparently a Juggalo term for superficial poseurs who don't understand the depth and complexity of clown-related rap music]].

This is the second time [[Homos|Chris wore makeup]], with the first time being shown in [[War Paint Video|War Paint Video]].

He dedicates this song to an unnamed [[gal pal]], whose influence likely explains the sudden influx of Chris-chan rap videos.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = Hello, Juffalo
| image = {{#ev:youtube|_YWgTHW2NAg}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 18 December 2009
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Subject Matter = [[Image:Music.png]] Music [[Image:Galpals.png]] [[Gal pals]]
| Performance Style = [[Image:Crazy.png]] Crazy
| Shirt = {{StraightWhiteLinesShirt}} Straight White Lines
| previous = [[IPods Down and Listen Up]]
| next = [[20 December 2009]]
}}
</center>

===Transcript===

[[Captain's Log|Captain's Rockin' Log]], fans, and we're rockin 'it out loud with Juffalo family for my gal pal.

And you want to know if I'll trade ten Juggalos for a hundred mainstream fans, and I said, "I wouldn't trade ten Juggalos for a hundred thousand mainstream fans; ten Juggalos is priceless." I got love for my homies, members of the Lotus. United we stand, squashing all deadly fo-ces. Been to Hell, could've spent an eternity there. [[6 June 2010|All]] [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|the]] [[April 16 Fetish Vids|bad]] [[nudes|shit]] [[Meagan|I]] [[Father Call|done]], I should still be there. Juggalos can ya feel me, worldwide, running with the hatchet straight out of Lotus Pod? Always got th' end screaming Juggalos [''indistinct, attempts to mumble lyrics''] Juggalos, Dark Lotus. Psychopathic, that's the way you go. They keep me going when I'm down and out. I pick phone up, drop them a line and hear them shout saying, "[''indistinct''] is the shit," until I'm down in the ground! I give a shout to all the [[homos]] and the [[china|chinas]] who keep me started. All my Juggalos always representing when departed.

[''mumbling stops, shouting begins''] [[Twin Falling Towers|Mass murder make me happy]]; [[Chris and death|dead bodies make me happy]]. Say what you will of me, I'll-always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll always have a Juggalo familaaaay!

Six individual pelt over and stiff. They try to ride away don't follow my chain..there's be a dirt filled grit and grind. Goodbye Juggalo..[''mumbles''] What's mine is yours. That's why I go to a dark carnival and show you a different world. [''mumbles'']-juggalo, hatchet! [[Homos|Tell 'em I'm gonna be sucking your dick!]] Bitch be psychopathic! On my iPod be living it all along..[''mumbles'']- of the sunlight! [''mumbles'']-for so many years that I question the love in my heart. I hate everyone and I hate everything. Except all the Juggalos and the love that they bring! I love ya!

Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me, I'll always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me, I'll always have a Juggalo family!

[''Chris struggles to keep up with the lyrics while ICP music is playing in the background'']—still be saggy, I wouldn't be fat; I'd still be hungry and crabby. We used to buy our own records at the stores, so they would think it was a hot seller, in other words. But we built a team of killers with the same dream, but we couldn't reach the top; we'd stay like Charlie Sheen. We finally realized we will always have the Juggalos. I'll never give another second to them other hoes!

Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will about me! I'll always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll always have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; say what you will of me. [''indistinct''] of me. I'll always have a Juggalo family.

[''Chris makes retarded poses while slurring "Lotus, Lotus, Lotus, Lotus"'']

And they wanted to know if I would trade ten Juggalos for a hundred mainstream fans, and I said, "I wouldn't trade ten Juggalos for a hundred thousand mainstream fans; ten Juggalos is priceless."

Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll-lways have a Juggalo family. Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll-lways have a Juggalo family. [''clears throat''] Dead bodies make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll-lways have a Juggalo family. [''fades out''] Mass murder make me happy; dead bodies make me happy. Say what you will of me. I'll-lways got a Juggalo family.

==See also==
*[[Fan:Choose Your Own Adventure]], which predicted that Chris would become a Juggalo

==External links==
*[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/darklotus/juggalofamily.html The actual lyrics]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[IPods Down and Listen Up]]|nextlink=[[20 December 2009]]|}}

{{Music Videos}}
[[Category: Yo! CWC Raps]]

War Paint Video

2010-06-17T22:43:45Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Transcript */ Seriously, how could anyone not see it?

[[Image:CryingIndian.jpg|thumb|left|A Cherokee's reaction after watching this video.]]
[[Image:Megatron pistol.jpg|thumb|A traditional [[Megatron pistol|weapon]] of the [[Cherokian Clan]]]]

The '''War Paint Video''' (officially titled '''10142009''', not be confused with [[10142009|another video with same title and posted the same day]]) is a video in which [[Chris]] delivers some sort of poem to the [[trolls]] while wearing "Indian" face paint. He then proclaims his proud [[Cherokee]] heritage while at the same time showing a complete lack of knowledge about anything to do with Native American culture by repeating tired old Native American stereotypes.

Also, if one looks close enough, the outline of Chris's [[Sports_bra_photo_series|sports bra]] is visible through his shirt. There is also a set of [[Plush Breasts]] in the lower left corner of the frame (they are more easily seen in the later [[Brutal Legend]] video).

{{Clear}}

==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = War Paint Video
| video = {{#ev:youtube|0A5X8p1gBzs}}
| stardate = 14 October 2009
| subject = {{Racism|text}}, {{Violence|text}}
| style = {{Crazy|text}}
| shirt = {{WhiteTShirt|text}}
| previous = [[Challenge for Clyde II]]
| next = [[15 October 2009]]
}}

===Transcript===

''[Chants]'' [[Chris and English|Calling all trolls! Calling all trolls!]] You are at-We are at war! This is war! ''[Normally]'' I will not stand idly by while you [[Chris and English|take heed]] and mock and-curse my friends and my family. For you have dishonored me, and I will not stand for it! As I stand upon my native Cherokee heritage. I will-I will hunt you down you damn dirty trolls! This is war!

'''''AIYIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAI-YI!!'''''

''[Produces the [[Megatron pistol]] seen in [[CWC is Angry]]]''

[[Chris and English|Put down your wares and bring yourselves unto me. I will hun-Or I will hunt you down and really smite thee! You have been warned with the Cherokee ancestry.]]

''[Pause]''

[[Wikipedia:How (greeting)|How!]]

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYJUiQKuP2Q 007 - Autistic Bond Intro]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiiMeui27Qg How Could You, Chris?]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Challenge for Clyde II]]|nextlink=[[15 October 2009]]|}}
{{Troll Videos}}

[[Category: Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Kick the Autistic

2010-06-16T15:09:24Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Cosmic Forces Style */

<center>[[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]]</center>
[[Image:KickTheAutisticWii.jpg|thumb|Now for the [[Nintendo]] Wii!]]

'''Kick the Autistic''' is the world's favorite game. This is the act of doing anything [[Chris]] doesn't like (for instance, a woman rejects Chris - "WHY MUST YOU PLAY KICK THE AUTISTIC?"). It is very probable he has done this in the past to get "speshul treatment" from "Young Ladies."

==Variations==
There are many known variations of the game, and we will go through the most effective.

===Artistic Style===
Enter a competition of artistry where Chris also competes, and [[Honor roll|out-talent him]]. This is usually easily done by showing any competence at all. Favored by [[Manchester High School#Graduation|his fellow students]] and [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|that no-good Adam Stackhouse]]. Beware: Chris may [[CWC is Angry|get grumpy and shoot at your photograph.]]

===[[Blanca]] Style===
Take the time to befriend Chris and pretend you are a [[Boyfriend Free Girl]] until Chris trusts you. Then get Chris to give you something of value to him, and destroy it.

===[[Jimmy Hill]] Style===
Chris is very funny about the material which he has plagiarized. If you are an artist troll or just bored, plagiarize Chris's plagiarized comics. He will throw a fit and "take legal action against you if not removed by 14 days." Oh wait, YOU CAN'T [[Parody|COPYRIGHT UNORIGINAL CHARACTERS]] DIPSHIT.

===[[Sweetheart]] Style===
Chris is of the completely clueless type, and will trust anyone <s>with a little bit of time</s> who claims to have a [[China|china]]. Pretend to befriend Chris, and when you have gained his trust, tell him to do something lulzy. Say you are a woman who is turned on at the thought of him drinking his own [[semen]]. Once this happens, put the goods up on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and wait for the lulz to come pouring in.

===[[Man in the Pickle Suit|Pickleman]] Style===
Somehow meet up with Chris while wearing a pickle suit. He will be bewildered by it and powerless to act.

===Cosmic Forces Style===
Set [[Sonichu|events]] in motion that will keep Chris from [[Virgin with rage|ever getting laid.]] Physically weaken him so that he can't even rape women to lose his virginity, or do anything else for that matter. Extra points for [[Jimmy Hill|Clouding]] [[BlueSpike|his]] [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|judgement.]] As an added "fuck you," <s>send an impostor</s> [[Liquid Chris|The TRUE and HONEST Christian Weston Chandler]] to swipe his [[Kacey|Sweetheart.]]

Keep doing this for the rest of his life, then send him to Hell where he'll be trolled for all eternity... or reincarnate him as a male black widow spider... whichever.

===[[Liquid]] Style===
<s>Pretend that you are the</s> Be the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of [[Sonichu]], the electric hedgehog Pokémon. Upload videos on [[Youtube]] detailing your many encounters with [[Clyde Cash]] and your success at attracting a boyfriend free girl. Brag about the millions you have earned thanks to Sonichu, and try to conquer the Sonichu media empire that is rightfully yours.

Alec Benson Leary of [[Asperchu]] has used a similar tactic, to much the same effect. Bonus points for buying ad space on the [[CWCipedia]].

===Literally===
One day, Chris will say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time, and they will literally kick the shit out of him. On that day trolls will shed tears of joy, and once again feel as if there is some sort of justice in the world. That being said, no reasonable troll should ever use physical violence to harm Chris, as there's no need to expend any sort of effort on him and it's not worth giving Chris something he could actually call the police over. (Plus, that would mean [[Chris and health#Hygiene|touching him]].) It will be much sweeter when he gets his ass handed to him by a random angry [[Niggos|African American]] or someone with an [[homos|alternate life-style]]. Even greater will be the day when he gets a little too touchy with a [[boyfriend-free girl]] and gets a face full of mace.

Examples of literally kicking the autistic include: The teachers at [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]] (barely), [[Jerkops]] (probably exaggerated) and [[Niggos#Conflicts_at_The_GAMe_PLACe|TJ from GAMe PLACe]] (almost).

However, Chris has never experienced any real physical pain in his entire life. His parents never raised a finger against him, there is no record of him being grounded, or punished in any significant way even after he was [[Bob Walks In|caught masturbating in the kitchen]]. The only exception to this is when [[Sarah Nicole Hammer]] tried to teach him how to roller-skate. Chris fell down, got a boo-boo, ran home to [[Barbara Chandler|mommy]], and vowed to never again even try to roller-skate, or, apparently, to do anything active at all.

Ever since the [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]], it is believed that Chris may become the subject of a game of Kick the Autistic, featuring a guest team from the [[Wikipedia:United_States_Marine_Corps|Semper Fi Brotherhood]].

==Conclusion==
Remember kids, Kick the Autistic is everyone's favorite game and can be replayed over and over with Chris. He just never learns.

==See also==
*[[Jerkops]]
*[[Reggie Fils-Aimé]] - Video game president, hoping to release Kick the Autistic on all major Nintendo consoles in time for Christmas.
*[[Troll]]

==External Links==
[http://www.pictogame.com/en/play/game/bq1o8yBlHtPu_cwc-in-kick-the-autistic click to play!!]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]]

Kick the Autistic

2010-06-16T15:08:42Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Cosmic Forces Style */

<center>[[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]]</center>
[[Image:KickTheAutisticWii.jpg|thumb|Now for the [[Nintendo]] Wii!]]

'''Kick the Autistic''' is the world's favorite game. This is the act of doing anything [[Chris]] doesn't like (for instance, a woman rejects Chris - "WHY MUST YOU PLAY KICK THE AUTISTIC?"). It is very probable he has done this in the past to get "speshul treatment" from "Young Ladies."

==Variations==
There are many known variations of the game, and we will go through the most effective.

===Artistic Style===
Enter a competition of artistry where Chris also competes, and [[Honor roll|out-talent him]]. This is usually easily done by showing any competence at all. Favored by [[Manchester High School#Graduation|his fellow students]] and [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|that no-good Adam Stackhouse]]. Beware: Chris may [[CWC is Angry|get grumpy and shoot at your photograph.]]

===[[Blanca]] Style===
Take the time to befriend Chris and pretend you are a [[Boyfriend Free Girl]] until Chris trusts you. Then get Chris to give you something of value to him, and destroy it.

===[[Jimmy Hill]] Style===
Chris is very funny about the material which he has plagiarized. If you are an artist troll or just bored, plagiarize Chris's plagiarized comics. He will throw a fit and "take legal action against you if not removed by 14 days." Oh wait, YOU CAN'T [[Parody|COPYRIGHT UNORIGINAL CHARACTERS]] DIPSHIT.

===[[Sweetheart]] Style===
Chris is of the completely clueless type, and will trust anyone <s>with a little bit of time</s> who claims to have a [[China|china]]. Pretend to befriend Chris, and when you have gained his trust, tell him to do something lulzy. Say you are a woman who is turned on at the thought of him drinking his own [[semen]]. Once this happens, put the goods up on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and wait for the lulz to come pouring in.

===[[Man in the Pickle Suit|Pickleman]] Style===
Somehow meet up with Chris while wearing a pickle suit. He will be bewildered by it and powerless to act.

===Cosmic Forces Style===
Set [[Sonichu|events]] in motion that will keep Chris from [[Virgin with rage|ever getting laid.]] Physically weaken him so that he can't even rape women to lose his virginity, or do anything else for that matter. Extra points for [[Jimmy Hill|Clouding]] [[bluespike|his]] [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|judgement.]] As an added "fuck you," <s>send an impostor</s> [[Liquid Chris|The TRUE and HONEST Christian Weston Chandler]] to swipe his [[Kacey|Sweetheart.]]

Keep doing this for the rest of his life, then send him to Hell where he'll be trolled for all eternity... or reincarnate him as a male black widow spider... whichever.

===[[Liquid]] Style===
<s>Pretend that you are the</s> Be the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of [[Sonichu]], the electric hedgehog Pokémon. Upload videos on [[Youtube]] detailing your many encounters with [[Clyde Cash]] and your success at attracting a boyfriend free girl. Brag about the millions you have earned thanks to Sonichu, and try to conquer the Sonichu media empire that is rightfully yours.

Alec Benson Leary of [[Asperchu]] has used a similar tactic, to much the same effect. Bonus points for buying ad space on the [[CWCipedia]].

===Literally===
One day, Chris will say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time, and they will literally kick the shit out of him. On that day trolls will shed tears of joy, and once again feel as if there is some sort of justice in the world. That being said, no reasonable troll should ever use physical violence to harm Chris, as there's no need to expend any sort of effort on him and it's not worth giving Chris something he could actually call the police over. (Plus, that would mean [[Chris and health#Hygiene|touching him]].) It will be much sweeter when he gets his ass handed to him by a random angry [[Niggos|African American]] or someone with an [[homos|alternate life-style]]. Even greater will be the day when he gets a little too touchy with a [[boyfriend-free girl]] and gets a face full of mace.

Examples of literally kicking the autistic include: The teachers at [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]] (barely), [[Jerkops]] (probably exaggerated) and [[Niggos#Conflicts_at_The_GAMe_PLACe|TJ from GAMe PLACe]] (almost).

However, Chris has never experienced any real physical pain in his entire life. His parents never raised a finger against him, there is no record of him being grounded, or punished in any significant way even after he was [[Bob Walks In|caught masturbating in the kitchen]]. The only exception to this is when [[Sarah Nicole Hammer]] tried to teach him how to roller-skate. Chris fell down, got a boo-boo, ran home to [[Barbara Chandler|mommy]], and vowed to never again even try to roller-skate, or, apparently, to do anything active at all.

Ever since the [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]], it is believed that Chris may become the subject of a game of Kick the Autistic, featuring a guest team from the [[Wikipedia:United_States_Marine_Corps|Semper Fi Brotherhood]].

==Conclusion==
Remember kids, Kick the Autistic is everyone's favorite game and can be replayed over and over with Chris. He just never learns.

==See also==
*[[Jerkops]]
*[[Reggie Fils-Aimé]] - Video game president, hoping to release Kick the Autistic on all major Nintendo consoles in time for Christmas.
*[[Troll]]

==External Links==
[http://www.pictogame.com/en/play/game/bq1o8yBlHtPu_cwc-in-kick-the-autistic click to play!!]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]]

Kick the Autistic

2010-06-16T15:08:06Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Variations */ Added Cosmic Forces style

<center>[[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]]</center>
[[Image:KickTheAutisticWii.jpg|thumb|Now for the [[Nintendo]] Wii!]]

'''Kick the Autistic''' is the world's favorite game. This is the act of doing anything [[Chris]] doesn't like (for instance, a woman rejects Chris - "WHY MUST YOU PLAY KICK THE AUTISTIC?"). It is very probable he has done this in the past to get "speshul treatment" from "Young Ladies."

==Variations==
There are many known variations of the game, and we will go through the most effective.

===Artistic Style===
Enter a competition of artistry where Chris also competes, and [[Honor roll|out-talent him]]. This is usually easily done by showing any competence at all. Favored by [[Manchester High School#Graduation|his fellow students]] and [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|that no-good Adam Stackhouse]]. Beware: Chris may [[CWC is Angry|get grumpy and shoot at your photograph.]]

===[[Blanca]] Style===
Take the time to befriend Chris and pretend you are a [[Boyfriend Free Girl]] until Chris trusts you. Then get Chris to give you something of value to him, and destroy it.

===[[Jimmy Hill]] Style===
Chris is very funny about the material which he has plagiarized. If you are an artist troll or just bored, plagiarize Chris's plagiarized comics. He will throw a fit and "take legal action against you if not removed by 14 days." Oh wait, YOU CAN'T [[Parody|COPYRIGHT UNORIGINAL CHARACTERS]] DIPSHIT.

===[[Sweetheart]] Style===
Chris is of the completely clueless type, and will trust anyone <s>with a little bit of time</s> who claims to have a [[China|china]]. Pretend to befriend Chris, and when you have gained his trust, tell him to do something lulzy. Say you are a woman who is turned on at the thought of him drinking his own [[semen]]. Once this happens, put the goods up on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and wait for the lulz to come pouring in.

===[[Man in the Pickle Suit|Pickleman]] Style===
Somehow meet up with Chris while wearing a pickle suit. He will be bewildered by it and powerless to act.

===Cosmic Forces Style===
Set [[Sonichu|events]] in motion that will keep Chris from [[Virgin with rage|ever getting laid.]] Physically weaken him so that he can't even rape women to lose his virginity, or do anything else for that matter. Extra points for [[Jimmy Hill|Clouding]] [[Bluespike|His]] [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|Judgement.]] As an added "fuck you," <s>send an impostor</s> [[Liquid Chris|The TRUE and HONEST Christian Weston Chandler]] to swipe his [[Kacey|Sweetheart.]]

Keep doing this for the rest of his life, then send him to Hell where he'll be trolled for all eternity... or reincarnate him as a male black widow spider... whichever.

===[[Liquid]] Style===
<s>Pretend that you are the</s> Be the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of [[Sonichu]], the electric hedgehog Pokémon. Upload videos on [[Youtube]] detailing your many encounters with [[Clyde Cash]] and your success at attracting a boyfriend free girl. Brag about the millions you have earned thanks to Sonichu, and try to conquer the Sonichu media empire that is rightfully yours.

Alec Benson Leary of [[Asperchu]] has used a similar tactic, to much the same effect. Bonus points for buying ad space on the [[CWCipedia]].

===Literally===
One day, Chris will say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time, and they will literally kick the shit out of him. On that day trolls will shed tears of joy, and once again feel as if there is some sort of justice in the world. That being said, no reasonable troll should ever use physical violence to harm Chris, as there's no need to expend any sort of effort on him and it's not worth giving Chris something he could actually call the police over. (Plus, that would mean [[Chris and health#Hygiene|touching him]].) It will be much sweeter when he gets his ass handed to him by a random angry [[Niggos|African American]] or someone with an [[homos|alternate life-style]]. Even greater will be the day when he gets a little too touchy with a [[boyfriend-free girl]] and gets a face full of mace.

Examples of literally kicking the autistic include: The teachers at [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]] (barely), [[Jerkops]] (probably exaggerated) and [[Niggos#Conflicts_at_The_GAMe_PLACe|TJ from GAMe PLACe]] (almost).

However, Chris has never experienced any real physical pain in his entire life. His parents never raised a finger against him, there is no record of him being grounded, or punished in any significant way even after he was [[Bob Walks In|caught masturbating in the kitchen]]. The only exception to this is when [[Sarah Nicole Hammer]] tried to teach him how to roller-skate. Chris fell down, got a boo-boo, ran home to [[Barbara Chandler|mommy]], and vowed to never again even try to roller-skate, or, apparently, to do anything active at all.

Ever since the [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]], it is believed that Chris may become the subject of a game of Kick the Autistic, featuring a guest team from the [[Wikipedia:United_States_Marine_Corps|Semper Fi Brotherhood]].

==Conclusion==
Remember kids, Kick the Autistic is everyone's favorite game and can be replayed over and over with Chris. He just never learns.

==See also==
*[[Jerkops]]
*[[Reggie Fils-Aimé]] - Video game president, hoping to release Kick the Autistic on all major Nintendo consoles in time for Christmas.
*[[Troll]]

==External Links==
[http://www.pictogame.com/en/play/game/bq1o8yBlHtPu_cwc-in-kick-the-autistic click to play!!]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]]

Angelica

2010-05-30T21:42:21Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

[[Image:Angelica.jpg|thumb|right|Angelica as she appears in [[Sonichu 3]]]]
{{quote|FUCK!! Did she have to do that in [[Grace Baptist Church|the house of God]]?!!|[[Chris]], commenting on Angelica's [[Mass debating|masturbation]] [[Fail|in church]]}}
{{quote|Angelica is a religious type; she feels peace and tranquility often from the presence of God and Jesus and her healthy life in general.|Chris, describing the [[Reginald Sneasel|Sneasel]]-fucking whore in [[Mailbag 7#The Rosechus are totally diverse and stuff|Mailbag 7]].}}

'''Angelica''' (born June 6, 1966) is a <s>Sonic recolor</s> [[Rosechu (species)|rosechu]], and a member of the [[Chaotic Combo]] that formed from eggs released by the rainbow as a result of the collision between Super [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and a [[Pikachu]]. She is a flying/electric type, which would probably not work since electric attacks do horrifying damage to flying types. Despite the fact that she was hatched in 2004, [[Chris]], being the faggot he is, still insists that she is over 18 and therefore making porn of her masturbating doesn’t make him a [[Pedofork|pedophile]].

[[Chris and religion|Angelica was brought up in a strict convent, with nuns being the only family she ever knew.]] Her painfully bleak upbringing clashes with her apparently insatiable sexual appetites, no doubt causing her massive tension and guilt. The fierce repression of her youth, in the cold surroundings of the brutal convent, led to her later rebellion which tragically took the form of her indoctrination into the [[Chaotic Combo]]. She went from diligently worshiping Jesus to being nothing but a masturbatory aid for her demented creator, another lobotomized beast rattling around in the bird-cage of Chris's mind.

She is a combination of 3 characters:
*[[Raichu]]
*[[Amy Rose]]
*Angels
==[[Sonichu_3#Episode_10:_.22Sonichu_Babies.22|Sonichu Babies]]==
Angelica's Egg came into the possession of a group of nuns, who nurtured the egg until its hatching, revealing a small, white, winged Rosey. After learning how to fly under the watch of nuns, she evolved one night in her sleep - on said night also being secretly visited by Chris-chan, who gave her shoes and a scrunchie - but nothing to cover up her breasts and [[china|genitals]]...

==[[Sonichu_3#Episode_11:_The_Chaotic_Combo_in_.22When_Hedgehogs_Meet.22|When Hedgehogs Meet]]==
Angelica meets the [[Chaotic Combo]] moments after planting a flower garden and viewing it from above, when all of a sudden, [[Blake]] and [[Punchy]] come crashing through, shortly followed by the rest of the rainbow retards. After a short discussion, Angelica, along with her newfound team, proceed to beat-up Blake (like a good Christian would) and celebrate accordingly. It is established that Angelica's main mode of attack and defense is through using her wings rather than any electric powers.
==[[Sonichu 5]]==
She has brief cameos in this issue but no speaking lines because she has no personality at all.
==[[Sonichu 6]]==
In this issue, Angelica pretends to be concerned about [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Chris's imaginary twin sister]] getting trapped in the mirror one minute, and the next minute she talks about [[Bionic the Hedgehog]]’s great basketball skills. She and [[Bubbles]] think to themselves “What a dreamboat.” Way to develop your characters, Chris.
==Episode 18 Prologue==
Here we see the [[Chaotic Combo]] celebrating their 19th birthday on February 2, 2008. This is a lame ass attempt to make [[Chris]] look like less of a pedophile.
==[[Sonichu_8#Episode_18:_.22Spring_Break.2C_2008.22|Spring break]]==
Whilst Angelica and [[Rosechu]] are sun-bathing, Bubbles gives a lengthy explanation about why water pokemon don’t need sunscreen and cannot tan, after Angelica questions her on the subject. After [[Blake]] shows up, kicks sand at them before being led away by Bubbles, Angelica and Rosechu giggle about Blake's faux macho attitude.

== Love Quest ==
Angelica came to show no romantic interest in any other character, though randomly decided to shack up with [[Reginald Sneasel]] in [[Episode 19]] after he called her cute. For a Christian, she sure is easy...

==[[Rule 34]]==
Chris drew Rule 34 of Angelica, which he uploaded to [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], hoping that it would encourage [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] et al. [[Fail|to remove his article]]. Instead, his plan backfired, resulting in an increased interest in him and his work. It can be extrapolated from this behavior that Chris would try to put out a fire with gasoline in real life.

==[[Mass Debating]]==
The picture in question was originally included with the caption "FUCK!! Did she have to do that in the house of God?!!", suggesting that Angelica has a penchant for masturbating in church. Some believe that the real reason for Chris's dismissal from [[Grace Baptist Church]] was a similar incident, in which the line was repeated to him, although this is most likely speculative and unsubstantiated.

Angelica's struggle with sexual sin might be an insight into Chris's own struggle between his Christianity and his sexual desires. Chris, despite claiming to be a Christian, acts similarly to Angelica, maintaining a veneer of piousness yet living in a prison of [[Kimmi|sex dolls]], masturbation, pornography, and [[Homo#Evidence_that_Chris_is_a_homo|complete submission to his sexuality]].

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:270-YuAngelica.jpg|Yu-Gi-OH BABY
Image:271-Angelica.jpg|The power of prayer... it does nothing to relieve the crapfest.
</gallery>
</center>
{{CWCipedia|chris=Angelica Sonichu}}

{{Sonichu}}
[[Category:Characters]]

Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc

2010-05-17T22:45:38Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

[[Image:082-ReldnahcNotsewNaitsirhc.jpg|thumb|I AM SOOOOOOOO OFFENDED!]]
'''Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc''', formerly '''Naitsirhc Rodriguez''',<ref>http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Sonichu#Slaweel_and_Graduon_Entraps_Crystal.2FNaitsirch_Transforms</ref> is the evil twin of [[Christian Weston Chandler]], which by logical extension would also make him the evil twin of Christian's twin sister [[Crystal Weston Chandler (character)|Crystal Weston Chandler]]. You can't have that many twins, Chris, they're called "TRIPLETS" Get. It. RIGHT!! He was originally introduced as a member of [[Team Rocket]] and the creator of [[Black Sonichu]], but the mystical powers unleashed by Christian's discovery of the [[Anchuent Prophecy]] revealed to him his true nature and his ability to transform into Reldnahc Ha-Taque.

Since discovering that he is the opposite number of Christian, Reldnahc has embraced anything that is anathema to the mayor of [[CWCville]]. Most notably in this regard, Reldnahc was the only openly gay character in ''Sonichu'' (Fun fact: Chris lets Reldnahc point out that they differ because of his openness, not his [[homo|homosexuality]]).

==Background==
[[Image:135-LoveSearchBookCover.jpg|thumb|With everything else on his plate, he still found time to write a self-help book. This man TRULY IS the diametric opposite of [[CWC]].]]
{{quote|As a member of Team Rocket, and son of Giovanni, he has caught, or stolen, all rare Pokemon. He yerns [sic] to catch Sonichu.|[[:Image:382-ACNaitsirhcBck.jpg|Naitsirhc Animal Crossing card]]}}
Although little is known about how Christian developed the character, it can be assumed that the idea of spelling his own name in reverse for the name of a villain immediately appealed to his [[Chris and his ego|colossal narcissism]]. Reldnahc debuted in ''Sonichu'' #0 as the son/lackey of [[Team Rocket]] boss [[Giovanni]], belying his greater significance to the Sonichu canon. However, Chris appears to have always colored the character's eyes red and orange (in contrast to his own green and blue eyes), foreshadowing his later role as Chris's dark reflection.

Much as Crystal represents how Christian's inner speculation about what he'd be like if he were female, Reldnahc clearly represents what Chris thinks he would happen if he surrendered himself to the temptations of sexual deviancy. Chief among these temptations is of course homosexuality, but also of note is Reldnahc's penchant for partial nudity (''Put a shirt on!''), torn jeans, unusual body piercings, and willingness to ejaculate wherever he pleases. According to Chris, Reldnahc's costume in ''Sonichu'' #6 is based on that of Key, a homoerotic J-rock star in [[Excel Saga]], whose sexuality unnerved Chris.

{{quote|I'm straight, he's a homo.|[[Mumble 11]]}}

==Fictional biography==
[[Image:083-ReldnahcHeTaque.jpg|thumb|Reldnahc Ha-Taque]]
Acting on behalf of Team Rocket, Naitsirhc Giovanni first menaced CWCville shortly after [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] first evolved from a Pikachu. While Sonichu and Rosechu were shopping at [[CWCville Mall]], Naitsirhc unleashed a Zapdos to abduct Rosechu as bait to capture Sonichu. Provoked into action, Sonichu quickly confused and overpowered the Zapdos with his Double Team attack, and forced Naitsirhc to withdraw. Naitsirhc vowed he would capture Sonichu someday.

Naitsirhc did not come away empty-handed. The tissue samples and surveillance photos he obtained were used by his adoptive father, Giovanni, to convince [[Robotnik]] to form an alliance. Together, Robotnik and [[Team Rocket]] aspired to create a clone of Sonichu. However, Team Rocket researcher [[Bill The Scientist]] accidentally spilled cherry cola onto Sonichu's DNA sample, creating unexpected side effects in the clone. Naitsirhc was the first to notice the clone's [[niggo|darker complexion]], and named the new creature "[[Black Sonichu]]". Direct authority over the clone was assigned to Naitsirhc, who asserted himself as Blachu's master and coordinated field missions for the shadowy hedgehog.

Naitsirhc first sent Black Sonichu to kidnap Rosechu, again using the girl as bait for Sonichu, which might well have succeeded if not for [[Sonic the Hedgehog]]. In his second outing, Blachu was ordered by Naitsirhc to obtain the [[Legendary Master Sunstone]] from [[Flame the Sunbird]], another mission resulting only in failure.

Naitsirhc's subsequent activities would remain unclear until the day [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and [[Count Graduon]] invaded CWCville with their army of [[Jerkops]]. During this battle [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]] was pulled into Graduon's Dark Mirror Hole, triggering a part of the [[Anchuent Prophecy]]:

{{quote|When the original medal is submerged in darkness, the dark medal will appear, and he who's name is reverse, will transform into the ultimate dark being.}}

At the same moment in Viridian City, Naitsirhc was suddenly able to hear Christian's thoughts, and a Black Sonichu version of Christian's [[medallion]] materialized on his chest. By the time Black Sonichu discovered his master's condition, he had completely transformed into the foretold ultimate dark being: a green sonic recolor in a codpiece. Naitsirhc now desired to rule the world and kill Christian using the seven Sonichu Balls. According to Black Sonichu, Naitsirhc began acting rudely to Giovanni and insulting Blachu at every opportunity. Most diabolically, Naitsirhc soiled Black Sonichu's rocket boots with whipped cream. That's some ultimate dark being.

Naitsirhc, now styling himself as Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc, now possessed the same abilities as Christian, including the power to transform into an electric hedgehog [[Pokémon]] form, Reldnahc Ha-Taque. While Christian and his allies were discussing the need to obtain the Sonichu balls to rescue Crystal, Black Sonichu and Reldnahc broke into a jewelry store at the mall to steal one of the precious balls. In their respective hedgehog forms, Chris and Reldnahc fought a lengthy, strenuous battle at high-speed, culminating at [[Manchester High School]], where the unexpected return of [[Bionic the Hedgehog]] saved Christian from certain doom. A blow to the head from Bionic's basketball knocked Reldnahc against the gymnasium bleachers, leaving him in a coma for ten weeks. Upon recovering, Reldnahc swore revenge against Bionic.

Naitsirhc was next seen attending a conference of the enemies of Christian Chandler, held to discuss plans following Christian's disappearance in the [[Time_Void|time void]]. He was among a group of evil Electric Hedgehogs that terrorized the city, along with [[Silvana]] and [[Wes_Iseli#Wes-Li_Sonichu|Wes-Li]]. During a confrontation with Bionic, he attempted to get his revenge with a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|embarrassment curse]], but Bionic was somehow able to grab the ethereal energy like a basketball and throw it back, causing Naitsirhc to [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shit his pants]]. He retreated in embarrassment, vowing vengeance again. For whatever reason, Chris is really playing up Bionic as a rival to Naitsirhc; if he's put any thought into this at all, it might be because [[Sonichu 9]] ends with Chris writing himself out of the comic, supposedly forever. Although he's back in [[Sonichu 10]], with an even bigger [[Chris and his ego|plot significance]] than ever before.

Toward the end of Sonichu 9, Reldnahc is injected with the gay vaccine and, since apparently one can only access the Anchuent powers by being homo, robbed of his ability to turn into Reldnahc Ha-Taque. Assuming this has driven the evil from Reldnahc, Chris has him warped away to Kel, where he shall never be seen again, and the two can fall in (STRAIGHT!) love. Which is totally just that easy to predict.

==References==

<references />

==See also==
{{Fan art|chris=Naitsirhc}}
*[[Homos]]
*[[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|Christian Weston Chandler]], his [[Homo|gayer]] counterpart.
*[[Giovanni]]
*[[Black Sonichu]]

{{Sonichu}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Reldnahc, Notsew Naitsirhc}}
[[Category: Characters]][[Category: Villains]][[Category: Imaginary Family Members]]

==External Links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/ReldnahcNNaitsirhc Naitsirhc's youtube]

Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean

2010-04-22T19:16:39Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Transcript */

[[File:AskMichaelSnyder.jpg|thumb|Chris begs the [[Trolls|masses]] to support his cause.]]
'''Michael Snyder is [[Chris and English|ColdHearted]] and Mean''' (full title "'''04122010 - Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean (Audio Only).MOV'''") is an audio recording released by [[Chris]] chronicling an attempt to get himself unbanned from [[The GAMe PLACe]] by confronting [[Michael Snyder]], the [[manajerks|manager]] who permanently ejected him from the store in the summer of [[2008]]. Chris recorded their conversation by hiding a video camera in his pocket.

As usual, Chris adds this to his list of fails as Michael is unmoved by his attempts to get back in, and is entirely justified in this belief. According to Michael himself, Chris's plea was a script he had written down on a piece of paper.<ref>http://www.youtube.com/comment_servlet?all_comments&v=u_p6bShW97Y</ref> He also, it seems, can't remember why he was kicked out of the store in the first place. He mentions a "[[Nintendo|Wii]] incident," an occasion where he angered the management with his regular habit of taking over the store's television with his [[video game]] consoles, but otherwise he appears to be genuinely confused as to why Snyder won't let him back in. Oddly, yet hilariously, Chris adds to his streak of [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|racist videos]] by shouting "JEW!" at Michael as he leaves the store, [[South Park|like a certain other fat kid]]. Of note, Michael is not actually Jewish, and the last name Snyder (or Schneider) is German in origin.

The conversation took place on 12 [[April 2010]] and Chris uploaded it to [[YouTube]] later the same day. Shortly after it was posted, the recording was removed from YouTube due to a terms of use violation, either because of Chris's anti-Semitic attitude, because the recording itself may have been illegal, or because of the dox and incitement to harass dropped in the description. In the early morning hours of the next day, Chris added a text-only [[:File:AskMichaelSnyder.jpg|image]] on the front page of [[CWCipedia]] accusing Michael Snyder of [[Kick the Autistic|discriminating against him]] for having [[autism]] (which is just conjecture on Chris's part, as opposed to Chris's own completely undeniable discrimination against Snyder for having a name he thinks sounds Jewish), and linked to a mirror of the deleted video.

One way or another, this video is absolute proof of Chris violating the law--he dropped into the store unannounced with full knowledge that he wasn't supposed to be there. [[Virginia]] defines this as "trespassing", which is a crime punishable by a fine not to exceed $2500, at most one year in prison, or both. According to Mimms, cops were called after this happened, though it is currently unknown, yet still very unlikely, if Michael will press the issue.

==Description==
In the video's description, copied below, Chris invites his fans to harass Snyder and other store employees. Roughly a month after turning on his [[fans|fan following]] and describing them as "[[Chris|greedy, impatient, unloved and corrupted people]]" in his 10 March [[CWC Blog|blog entry]], he's back to believing that he has a personal army.

{{quotebox|This happened on my recent visit to the Game & Hobby Place. My Camera was hidden in my Vest Pocket.

I encourage all to go there in person, find Michael, and [[Chris and hypocrisy|pester/Troll]] the hell out of him (other employees who support him optional). Also say to Michael, "[[Chris and race|Do Not Discriminate]] Against People like Christian Weston Chandler."

243 Ridge McIntire Road Charlottesville, VA 22903 (434) 984-1040}}

Michael then proceeded to drop Chris's phone number (however, Chris had beaten him to the punch multiple times).

==Prelude to the Madness==

On 21 April, 2010, a woman named Jackie dropped [[Jackie e-mails|a number]] [[Jackie e-mails Part 2|of]] [[Jackie e-mails Part 3|e-mails]] between herself and Chris. In one of the letters, Chris reveals that he attempted to go to The GAMe PLACe after church the day before the video was released. When one of the cashiers saw Chris and recognized him, he threatened to call the cops. Chris got angry and bolted.

Finding out Michael Snyder would appear the next day, Chris had his plan - approach Michael the next day and attempt to get the ban lifted. He hid the digital camera on his person with the intent on using it as evidence. Chris's plan was that if Michael did not lift the ban after this long, [[Chris and the Law|he would call the cops]].

This is the result:

==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = 04122010 - Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean (Audio Only).MOV
| image = {{#ev:youtube|6odVsyr3I40}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 12 April 2010
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Subject Matter =
| Performance Style = {{Reason}} Reason, {{Rage}} Rage
| Saga =
| Shirt = Unknown
| previous = [[F_Abstinance]]
| next = [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]]}}

===Transcript===

[''Chris is speaking into a recorder. From the sound of it, it seems like he is inside his [[Son-chu|car]].'']

'''Chris:''' This is Christian Weston Chandler, [[Captain's Log]]. Stardate... 4:34 PM, Monday, April 12, 2010. I am about to go into the Game and Comic Hobby Place — also sell toys there — to get myself, to try to get myself unbanned and get forgiveness for the mistake I have made almost a year ago when I was banned from the store in June of 2008.

[''Heavy [[sigh]] from Chris.'']

'''Chris:''' The dude who banned me was, his name is Michael Snyder, possibly a [[Chris and race#Jews|Jew]] considering his last name. [[Lie|Nothing bad against the Jews, but I'm just throwin' it out there.]] Alright, so, here I go. [''sigh'']

[''Chris turns off the engine and leaves his car. He approaches The Game Place, and the chime of the store's door alarm can be heard as he goes inside. "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray faintly plays in the background, while we get a good view of the inside of Chris's pocket.'']

'''Chris:''' Hello, I'm here to see Michael.

'''Employee:''' Yeah, he's in the room back here.

[''We come upon Michael, who is fixing an RC car. His remarks are occasionally interrupted by whoever he is helping. Judging by the audio, Chris is standing relatively close to him, close enough to occasionally hear whoever Michael is speaking with.'']

 '''Michael:''' Well, I mean, you're, you, you'll just see that by running it. I mean, it was running okay the other day. But just, you know, adjust it one way or the other depending on temperature and everything else. But, you know, it just, it's not usually much. By changing fuel, it doesn't usually change... tuning that much. Mmkay... Uh-huh. Yeah, no, it'll be fine... Right, yeah, it'll be fine. [pause] Okay... Okay... Who made it?

[''The recorder seems to move away from the conversation, and a long silence follows. Various store noises occur in the background, including the bell from someone opening the front door.'']

 '''Michael:''' Okay. Alright. Sounds good. Mm-hm. Bye.

'''Chris:''' Hello, Michael. I see, uh... You've been, I see you're looking well. Haven't changed much since, for the past almost two years. And, yeah, it has been, uh, almost two years since... uh, what happened, uh, June- June of 2008. But, uh, I came back hoping that, uh, we could put that behind us and...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' Come on. I mean, it has been almost two years, and it's just been on my mind for so long, just be...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] But, can't we just [[Mary Lee Walsh|forgive]] and forget?

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' C'mon, to have this...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' ...[[Obesity|weight]] on my back...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' And I have really...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' ...missed coming here.

 '''Michael:''' No. No. You need to leave now.

'''Chris:''' I'm, [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|I'm a better person...]]

 '''Michael:''' You need to leave now.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] C'mon, what? Come on, dude...

 '''Michael:''' No! You need to leave now.

'''Chris:''' [[Twin Falling Towers|How can you be so heartless?]] I mean, you're, I mean, you're obviously not as mean as one of those trolls I've been dealing with...

 '''Michael:''' You need to leave now.

'''Chris:''' I mean, come on, I mean, obviously you have something against me, [''four beeping noises are heard, possibly Michael dialing out to 911''] because aside from the Wii incident, I just would like to know ''what''. Come on. Gimme a break. Alright, fine, I'll leave.

[''His tone becomes sharp and angry.'']

'''Chris:''' But I hope that [[Chris and Religion|God will forgive you]] for being so [[Chris and Hypocrisy#"I'll pray for you to open your mind" — Tolerance|heartless and cruel]], Michael Snyder!

 '''Michael:''' He probably will.

[''Long pause.'']

'''Chris:''' [[Chris and Race|''JEW!'']]

[''Chris goes out the door, tape runs out.'']

==Aftermath==
During the confrontation, Michael called the [[jerkops|police]]. However, Chris was long gone by the time they arrived. Should the book actually be thrown his way, Chris will be in great danger. The autism card can only go so far, and the community service argument that saved him during his trial after the incident at [[Target]] will not save him here.

On the linked YouTube page the opposite party, Snyder, chimed in to inform everyone that, while he had attempted to press charges against Chris for trespassing, the police informed him that he had no recourse to pursue legal action for Chris's trespassing or attempts to incite harassment. It all seems for naught anyway, as Snyder mentions that, not only has he not received any harassing messages, but he's actually gotten messages of congratulations and encouragement for putting that [[Chris|fat retard]] in his place.

{{quotebox|I have been told I have no recourse for any of his actions, and his encouraging people to harass me. Turnabout is fair play?? }}
{{quotebox|I want to thank all my fans for their calls supporting me, and feel he needs to stay home and get your calls. His phone number in the book is 434-990-0198. Happy dialing,
Mike 
Elvis has left the building }}

===A video with video===
The next day, [[Vivian Gee]] made a ''[[South Park]]''-style animation using the audio from this clip. Christian himself stopped by to make the following comments on her video:

{{quotebox|Hey, Vivian. I'm going to tell you right now that if you were trying to offend me with this "South Park" [[Parody]]; You Failed. This is just SOO FUNNY! You ought to know I like "South Park", especially the less dramatic, more comical episodes. ROFL}}

{{quotebox|Actually, there is ONE more thing you could to just make this a TOPPER of a Comical Scene; I gave him the finger as I left for real, so add a [[Wild Sonichu|Sit-And-Spin]] in the silence right before the final insult. ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL}}

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = episode 200 - the game place
| video = {{#ev:youtube|HWq4pB_Vikw}}
| Stardate = 13 April 2010
| Maker = [[Vivian Gee]]
| Subject =
| Video Type =
| Other Info =
}}

==Fan videos==

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris Chan is not an Anti-Semite
| video = {{#ev:youtube|AAeawAbjyQA}}
| Stardate = 12 April 2010
| Maker = Stvx2
| Subject =
| Video Type = Jewdeo
| Other Info =
}}

==See also==
* [[Apology to Game & Hobby Place]]
* [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb]]

==Sauces==
<references />

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?gmqwe4kmgzm MP3 download]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[F Abstinance]]|nextlink=[[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]]|}}

{{Videos}}
{{Captain's Log}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Chris's room (14 Branchland Court)

2010-04-21T23:35:18Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

<center>[[Image:Chrischansroom15xt7.jpg|600px]]</center>

The dragon's lair. [[Chris]] has spent most of his life in '''his room'''. Ever since he got kicked out of [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|PVCC]], the [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|mall]] and the [[The Game Place|Pokémon league]], he only left it to go to church. The few times when he really left his room were when the PVCC field agents managed to take him to [[Chris's Big Night Out|Charlottesville's bars.]]

Chris's bedroom is on the second floor of [[14 Branchland Court|his house]], with two windows on the northwest wall and a smaller window (covered by [[The Wall of Originals]]) on the northeast wall. Based on Chris's [[Tour of Christian's House|video tour]] of his house, his cluttered room is actually spotless compared to the rest of the house, another reason why Chris may spend so much time holed up in his sanctuary.

Just like [[ShecameforCWC.jpg]] is pretty much the picture that sums up Chris's mind, his room — like most bedrooms — also sums up quite nicely a lot of the awful things about Chris:
* His incredible attachment to material possessions, as evidenced by the massive amounts of clutter.
* His also-incredible laziness, as evidence by the large amounts of disorganized clutter on the floor, bed and couch.
* In contrast, notice the careful and orderly arrangement of his videogames, DVDs, trading cards, posters and toys: evidence of how they rank on his list of priorities when compared to serious stuff like work or school.
* Megan's shrine, the definite and unquestionable proof of Chris's obsession with the only person that has ever been friendly to him.
* The notoriously high presence of [[Pokémon]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and other franchises aimed at 8-12 year old kids — or in other words, people of the same mental and emotional age as Chris.
* Also, the prominent presence of [[Transformers]], held by Chris as a symbol of manliness, are one more proof of Chris's fear of becoming a [[homo]].
* The fact that most of his possessions are toys or video games — that is, things he can absolutely control, that always do what he wants, basically the wet dream of a manipulator.
* Finally, the fact that Chris retreats to his room whenever he feels the slightest bit of [[stress]], his refusal to discard his detritus, and the fact that Chris has his own imaginary world called [[Cwcville]], could possibly mean that Chris's toys, which he claims to play with for 2 to 3 hours a day,<ref>[[Mailbag_25#In which Chris tells us how many hours he plays with toys a day|Mailbag 25]]</ref> are like a physical, earthly extension of his own imaginary world, thus infusing him with a sense of safety and comfort.

In [[February 2009]], [[Clyde Cash]] forced Chris to [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 10th, 2009|clean up his room a bit]].

Only two persons are known to have ventured into the cesspool Chris calls his room: [[Bob Chandler]], as exposed in a [[THAT IS MY HOUSE#Uncut|leaked video]] and an [[Troll|unnamed individual]] appearing in the [[Magical Man Potion]] video. One animal, [[Kitty Chandler]], was shown in Chris's room in [[20 December 2009|another video]].

In some daytime videos, there is a strange green hue. It is possible that it was an issue of camera quality, but it could also be [[Chris and Health#Hygiene|noxious gasses]] made by the mutated combination of [[AXE|Axe Body Spray]] and [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|Chris' own stench.]]

==Images from the Pits of Hell==
These images are arranged beginning at the northeastern wall of the room, going counter-clockwise. Not included here are photographs of the southeastern wall and east corner.

<center>
<gallery>
Image:411-CWCWeekP5 crop 1.jpg|[[April 2000]], as Chris was moving back in from [[Richmond]].
Image:0821-EP12-5P6-5.jpg|Northeastern wall, near north corner. [[The Wall of Originals|A sheet of his homemade Pokémon cards]] covers the window.
Image:0822-EP12-5P6-4.jpg|North corner
Image:0823-EP12-5P6-3.jpg|Northwestern wall near the north corner. The air conditioner on the left here can be seen in the upper left corner of the front of his house.
Image:0824-EP12-5P6-9.jpg|Northwestern wall near the west corner
Image:0825-EP12-5P6-8.jpg|West corner. The bookshelf on the right is the [[Megan shrine]].
Image:0826-EP12-5P6-7.jpg|Southwestern wall. The closet doors are behind the shelves of video games. It's not clear how Chris can access the contents of the closet, assuming he ever does.
Image:0827-EP12-5P6-6.jpg|South corner. The door leads out of the room into the hallway. The [[Attraction Sign]] can be seen hanging on the back of the door. In [[Sonichu 6]], the portal leading to CWCville appears where the Dance Dance Revolution mat is hanging. To add the finishing touch of [[fail]], there is a Bubsy game on the shelf.
Image:0828-EP12-5P7-1.jpg|There is no escape, YOUNG LADY.
Image:Panorama.jpg|A panoramic view of Chris' room.
</gallery>
</center>

==See also==
*[[14 Branchland Court]]
*[[Megan Shrine]]
*[[Ruckersville, VA]]

==References==

<references />

{{Places}}

[[Category:Places]]

Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean

2010-04-13T22:16:35Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Transcript */

[[File:AskMichaelSnyder.jpg|thumb|Chris begs the masses to support his cause.]]
'''Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean''' (full title "'''04122010 - Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean (Audio Only)'''") is an audio recording released by Chris chronicling an attempt to get himself unbanned from [[The GAMe PLACe]] by confronting [[Michael Snyder|Michael Snyder]], the manager who permanently ejected him from the store in the summer of 2008. Chris recorded their conversation by hiding a video camera in his pocket. As usual, Chris adds this to his list of fails as Michael is unmoved by his attempts to get back in.

He also, it seems, can't remember why he was kicked out of the store in the first place. He mentions a "[[Nintendo|Wii]] incident," an occasion where he angered the management with his regular habit of taking over the store's television with his [[video game]] consoles, but otherwise he appears to be genuinely confused as to why Snyder won't let him back in.

Oddly, yet hilariously, Chris adds to his streak of [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|racist videos]] by shouting "JEW!" at Michael as he leaves the store, [[South Park|like a certain other fat kid]].

The conversation took place on 12 [[April 2010]]. Chris uploaded it to [[YouTube]] later the same day. Shortly after it was posted, the recording was removed from YouTube due to a terms of use violation, either because of Chris's anti-Semitic attitude, because the recording itself may have been illegal, or because of the dox and incitement to harass dropped in the description.

One way or another, this video is absolute proof of Chris violating the law--he dropped into the store unannounced with full knowledge that he wasn't supposed to be there. [[Virginia]] defines this as "trespassing", which is a crime punishable by a fine not to exceed $2500, at most one year in prison, or both. According to Mimms, cops were called after this happened, though it is currently unknown, yet still very unlikely, if Michael will press the issue.

In the early morning hours of the next day, Chris added a text-only [[:File:AskMichaelSnyder.jpg|image]] on the front page of CWCipedia accusing Michael Snyder of [[Kick the Autistic|discriminating against him]] for having [[autism]], and linked to a mirror of the deleted video.
__NOTOC__
==Description==
In the video's description, copied below, Chris invites his fans to harass Snyder and other store employees. Roughly a month after turning on his [[fans|fan following]] and describing them as "[[Chris|greedy, impatient, unloved and corrupted people]]" in his 10 March [[CWC Blog|blog entry]], he's back to believing that he has a personal army.

{{quotebox|This happened on my recent visit to the Game & Hobby Place. My Camera was hidden in my Vest Pocket.

I encourage all to go there in person, find Michael, and [[Chris and hypocrisy|pester/Troll]] the hell out of him (other employees who support him optional). Also say to Michael, "[[Chris and race|Do Not Discriminate]] Against People like Christian Weston Chandler."

243 Ridge McIntire Road Charlottesville, VA 22903 (434) 984-1040}}

==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = 04122010 - Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean (Audio Only).MOV
| image = {{#ev:youtube|6odVsyr3I40}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 12 April 2010
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Subject Matter =
| Performance Style = {{Reason}} Reason, {{Rage}} Rage
| Saga =
| Shirt = Unknown
| previous = [[F_Abstinance]]
| next = [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|Current]]}}

===Transcript===

[''Chris is speaking into a recorder as he walks along. From the sound of it, he's outdoors.'']

'''Chris:''' This is Christian Weston Chandler, [[Captain's Log]]. Stardate... 4:34 PM, Monday, April 12, 2010. I am about to go into the Game and Comic Hobby Place — also sell toys there — to try, to try to get myself unbanned and get forgiveness for the mistake I have made almost a year ago when I was banned from the store in June of 2008.

[''Heavy [[sigh]] from Chris.'']

'''Chris:''' The dude who banned me was, his name is Michael Snyder, possibly a [[Chris and race#Jews|Jew]] considering his last name. [[Lie|Nothing bad against the Jews, but I'm just throwin' it out there.]] Alright, so, here I go. [''sigh'']

[''Sound of Chris opening and walking through the door into the store. "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray faintly plays in the background, while we get a good view of the inside of Chris's pocket.'']

'''Chris:''' Hello, I'm here to see Michael.

 '''Employee:''' Yeah, he's in the room back here.

[''We come upon Michael, who is fixing an RC car. His remarks are occasionally interrupted by whoever he is helping. Judging by the audio, Chris is standing relatively close to him, close enough to occasionally hear whoever is on the phone speaking.'']

 '''Michael:''' Well, I mean, you're, you, you'll just see that by running it. I mean, it was running okay the other day. But just, you know, adjust it one way or the other depending on temperature and everything else. But, you know, it just, it's not usually much. By changing fuel, it doesn't usually change... tuning that much. Mmkay... Uh-huh. Yeah, no, it'll be fine... Right, yeah, it'll be fine. [pause] Okay... Okay... Who made it?

[''The recorder seems to move away from the conversation, and a long silence follows. Various store noises occur in the background, including the bell from someone opening the front door.'']

 '''Michael:''' Okay. Alright. Sounds good. Mm-hm. Bye.

'''Chris:''' Hello, Michael. I see, uh... You've been, I see you're looking well. Haven't changed much since, for the past almost two years. And, yeah, it has been, uh, almost two years since... uh, what happened, uh, June- June of 2008. But, uh, I came back hoping that, uh, we could put that behind us and...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' Come on. I mean, it has been almost two years, and it's just been on my mind for so long, just be...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] But, can't we just [[Mary Lee Walsh|forgive]] and forget?

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' C'mon, to have this...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' ...weight on my back...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' And I have really...

 '''Michael:''' No.

'''Chris:''' ...missed coming here.

 '''Michael:''' No. No. You need to leave now.

'''Chris:''' I'm, I'm a better person...

 '''Michael:''' You need to leave now.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] C'mon, what? Come on, dude...

 '''Michael:''' No! You need to leave now.

'''Chris:''' [[Twin Falling Towers|How can you be so heartless?]] I mean, you're, I mean, you're obviously not as mean as one of those trolls I've been dealing with...

 '''Michael:''' You need to leave now.

'''Chris:''' I mean, come on, I mean, obviously you have something against me, because aside from the Wii incident, I just would like to know ''what''. Come on. Gimme a break. Alright, fine, I'll leave.

[''His tone becomes sharp and angry.'']

'''Chris:''' [[Chris and Religion|But I hope that God will forgive you for being so]] [[Chris and Hypocrisy|heartless and cruel,]] Michael Snyder!

 '''Michael:''' He probably will.

'''Chris:''' JEW!

[''Chris goes out the door, tape runs out.'']

==Aftermath==
After the confrontation, Michael called the [[jerkops|police]]. However, Chris was long gone by the time they arrived. Of course, should Chris get the book thrown at him, you can trust his parents to play the autism card.

==Fan videos==
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = episode 200 - the game place
| video = {{#ev:youtube|HWq4pB_Vikw}}
| Stardate = 13 April 2010
| Maker = [[Vivian Gee]]
}}

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris Chan is not an Anti-Semite
| video = {{#ev:youtube|AAeawAbjyQA}}
| Stardate = 12 April 2010
| Maker = Stvx2
}}

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Christian Weston Chandler is an Anti-Semite: Annotated for your Convenience
| video = {{#ev:youtube|_A7z7tkKjy8}}
| Stardate = 12 April 2010
| Maker = [[User:Thorgnzorrg|Thorgnzorrg]]
}}

==See also==
* [[Apology to Game & Hobby Place]]

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?gmqwe4kmgzm MP3 download]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[F Abstinance]]|nextlink=[[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|Current]]|}}

{{Videos}}
{{Captain's Log}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Father Call

2010-04-10T01:48:02Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Experience and respect */ HAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS

[[Image:208x228 Advice-CWC-I-JOG-FIVE-MILES-A-DAY.jpg|thumb|Yup!]]

Early in November 2009, [[Chris|Solid Chris]] spent a little over two hours on the phone one night with Matthew Devoria, father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]].

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest content|honesty]], before going on to [[lie]] his ass off about any topic you care to mention.

He's even playing ''Portal'' during the phone conversation, if you go to 01:22:21, you'll hear a turret saying "target lost", seconds after Chris is told by Matthew that Kacey hasn't heard a word Chris has said. [[Fail|''The irony is undeniable''.]]

[[Image:Matthew_Devoria.jpg|thumb|Artist's interpretation of Matthew Devoria.]]

Their conversation is...illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matthew berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog|inability]] [[pokemon|to]] [[video games|grow]] [[sonichu|up]], [[chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[fat|rotund figure]], and for generally being a [[fail|failure]] at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial chores]], mowing the lawn, which he uses a [[CWC Fighter|riding lawn mower]] to do, and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homo|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being confronted with the truth that he uses the [[trolls]] and his [[autism]] as a crutch, [[stress]] overcame him and Chris became increasingly more [[chris and anger|upset]]. In general, Chris's attitude and immaturity greatly offended [[Kacey]] and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which didn't go so well...

==Transcript==
===Mathew makes the scene===
'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris, it's Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house cause, um, they wanted to call cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter...

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right, actually I'm working on a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did 51 reps with, uh, 50 pound weights... not really weights, but...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? Cause, reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times each arm so 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hm. Well, was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny cause I have to lift like... 100 or more pounds for my job but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Uh, okay, what's his name? ...okay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry I didn't hear you, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Matthew? Okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' All right.

'''Kacey:''' All right well just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

[''Pause'']

 '''Dad:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, s-good evening sir, how are you?

 '''Dad:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm doing good.

 '''Dad:''' Good, good... So, uh... I've got a couple of questions for you... Well, more than a couple.

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an an-with an [[honest content|honest]] answer.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, first and foremost, let's see...you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Not currently but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]], I have been filling applications left and right.

 '''Dad:''' Really, really, what kind of places? What kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, w-yeah, I'm like a - I'm applying for like uh - retail stores and such, I've got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at [[Wal-Mart]], and had one over at [[Target]]...I have worked before, I've worked at [[Wendy's]] in Ruckersville for a few months...first off I worked off as a sales representative for [[Cutco]] cutlery.

 '''Dad:''' Right, that's minimum wage stuff...did you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

 '''Dad:''' And you're working at...''Target''...I mean, I know the economy's bad but I mean... surely you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? ...How old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27...sir.

 '''Dad:''' You're almost ''thirty'' and you're working at, uh...''Target''. You WANNA work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hm...yeah well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh...degree and certificate would get me but I mean like, you know...but I mean, if I-if I did know then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

 '''Dad:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get...in that field and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Uh...I graduated in 2006.

 '''Dad:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it... Hm, you haven't had any jobs between then?
===Pokémon volunteer and Chris's home===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had-I did-I have done volunteer work... uh...

 '''Dad:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

 '''Dad:''' What kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' All right, yeah, well, I have the-I helped the children over at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Citizens Gym League]] for the [[Pokémon]] Trading Card Game league a few years back...

 '''Dad:''' ''Pokémon''? Wait, wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, build decks from what scraps they had, make sure they kept in order, don't get too crazy...

 '''Dad:''' And...how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what was that?

 '''Dad:''' How long ago was this? That Pokemon thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]]? I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' That was the late 90s.

 '''Dad:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' And-um-that's still going strong. Maybe I-

 '''Dad:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...And I have been doing that from 1998 till about 2008. So about 10 years I've been doing that.

 '''Dad:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' ...Yeah but also like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

 '''Dad:''' Babysitting...but doesn't babysitting usually you know, you know, pay? And I mean, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people, planting trees, that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah well, I have-I have been-I have helped people out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure children were playing and were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

 '''Dad:''' And...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore?

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, I was kinda like, uh, you know, uh, [[fail|not so good at showing up]], so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but you know we gotta move on. But anyway, aside from that I...I've been searching and, uh, doing yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

 '''Dad:''' Right, right...Well anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, Pok-e-man now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|2-story house]] with my [[mother]] and my [[father]].

 '''Dad:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] Almost 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but its like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the uh, for a while.

 '''Dad:''' And uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

 '''Dad:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20... I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to each their own individual growth rates.

 '''Dad:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask though...I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:'''Yes, yes, I am serious about Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my-of the house.

 '''Dad:''' ...with her help?

'''Chris:''' ...and get a place of my own...

 '''Dad:''' You need her help to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like you know..um..some details I'm not understand...I talk to my parents sometimes about that but it's like, uh, you know..uh...I..it's like a....whole bunch of details..you know...yeah.

 '''Dad:''' EXPLAIN, PLEASE. I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need external influence, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

 '''Dad:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, just go to any college board.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

 '''Dad:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know.

 '''Dad:''' So, really, if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.
===Financial situation and Crystal the tard-baby===
 '''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

 '''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself.

'''Chris:'''I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, then why aren't you? Where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:'''Yeah, I do have, I do have a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]].

 '''Dad:''' Do you now.

'''Chris:'''I get, yeah, I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

 '''Dad:''' So why do you get welfare? Might I ask? Or whatever you call it.

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of me moving out and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel that I could, I would be able to take care of Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

 '''Dad:''' Are you now.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

 '''Dad:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

 '''Dad:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

 '''Dad:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

 '''Dad:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar...I can promise you that.

 '''Dad:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

 '''Dad:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance. Anything else, dad?

 '''Dad:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go...what were you doing again?

 '''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes, I'll be right back, dad.

 '''Dad:''' I think there's some cake down there, too, go help yourself or something.

 '''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, dad.

 '''Dad:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see...if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

 '''Dad:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

 '''Dad:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?

 '''Dad:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Texas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

 '''Dad:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic dreams and Bob Chandler===
 '''Dad:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

 '''Dad:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

 '''Dad:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

 '''Dad:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

 '''Dad:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

 '''Dad:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

 '''Dad:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go - don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

 '''Dad:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]....

 '''Dad:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

 '''Dad:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to draw and color. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I sculpt. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even technologically smart. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

 '''Dad:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

 '''Dad:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

 '''Dad:''' But..you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. I mean, that's not good, son. When I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

 '''Dad:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.
===Kacey's boobs and internet fame===
 '''Dad:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

 '''Dad:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

 '''Dad:''' ''[laughs]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''he laughs''] she could be a little bit sm-[[Ego|she could be smarter than me on some things]].

 '''Dad:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

 '''Dad:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently [[Kacey Phone Call|when you first talked to her, you actually were pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, [[Liquid Chris|that other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

 '''Dad:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend Kim, she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

 '''Dad:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

 '''Dad:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the electric hedgehog Pokemon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

 '''Dad:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokemon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the technology with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

 '''Dad:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

 '''Dad:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

 '''Dad:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, internet, and I became internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…

 '''Dad:''' Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…

 '''Dad:''' This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this internet, I mean you just, all this internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.
===Twin Falling Towers and getting fired===
 '''Dad:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

 '''Dad:''' But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah… 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…

 '''Dad:'''You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser internet troll, who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], who’s alias is Gregg Mays, and…

 '''Dad:''' You made a video…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…

 '''Dad:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…

 '''Dad:''' Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [trails off with a faint groaning] Yeah, but anyway,

 '''Dad:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

 '''Dad:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [Pause] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

 '''Dad:''' …Uh-huh. Really. That’s…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That… are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:'''No, no I'm not changing-

 '''Dad:''' Are you making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

 '''Dad:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

 '''Dad:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

 '''Dad:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

 '''Dad:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' Also sounds a little gay. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background.''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

 '''Dad:''' Why do you sigh so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

 '''Dad:''' [''Matt has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while.''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.
===Maturity, and chores===
 '''Dad:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''Chris rapidly loses coherence.''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

 '''Dad:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up sir! I have moved, I have moved on from Pokemon years ago! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

 '''Dad:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokemon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers.''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

 '''Dad:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

 '''Dad:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

 '''Dad:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

 '''Dad:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

 '''Dad:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

 '''Dad:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

 '''Dad:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

 '''Dad:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of my tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokemon for years, sir!

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

 '''Dad:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some Guitar Hero.

 '''Dad:''' [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play guitar.

 '''Dad:''' You have to stand up to play guitar! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

 '''Dad:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

 '''Dad:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

 '''Dad:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups you did]], whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

 '''Dad:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

 '''Dad:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.
===Death and fake internet women===
 '''Dad:''' [''Matt is about to break down laughing.''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

 '''Dad:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

 '''Dad:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

 '''Dad:''' [''stress sigh of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the twin towers. And you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

 '''Dad:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

 '''Dad:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood and plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

 '''Dad:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' And that's just, that's just...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at straws at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

 '''Dad:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

 '''Dad:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those two women died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

 '''Dad:''' You don't even know these people!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

 '''Dad:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''He is in a state of great consternation.''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

 '''Dad:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this one time where I actually thought it was a woman, and I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

 '''Dad:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I...[''angry, incoherent stammering'']

 '''Dad:''' I am looking at Kacey right now.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

 '''Dad:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

 '''Dad:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''He's snapping.''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!
===The maggot Manchild and shit starts to hit the fan===
 '''Dad:''' "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

 '''Dad:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. I am a STRONG MAN. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

 '''Dad:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

 '''Dad:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts.''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

 '''Dad:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

 '''Dad:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

 '''Dad:''' Yes-they-are! Everyone works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

 '''Dad:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw a video of your house. It's a fucking mess! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

 '''Dad:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

 '''Dad:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears.''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

 '''Dad:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

 '''Dad:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

 '''Dad:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden? That was a heavy burden?

 '''Dad:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

 '''Dad:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

 '''Dad:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...
===Kacey returns===
 '''Dad:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

 '''Dad:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

 '''Dad:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

 '''Dad:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

 '''Dad:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

 '''Dad:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''He's still combative.''] I have a lot to offer her!

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

 '''Dad:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''another sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

 '''Dad:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

 '''Dad:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

 '''Dad:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']
===Literature and health===
 '''Dad:''' And if the internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

 '''Dad:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' The last book I read...was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''.

 '''Dad:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

 '''Dad:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

 '''Dad:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

 '''Dad:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I...have...learned...that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lenny throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

 '''Dad:''' That's ''Of Mice and Men''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' Yeeeaaaaah...did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

 '''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is...just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

 '''Dad:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who Atticus Finch was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus...hm...Atticus...hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

 '''Dad:''' Yesss...man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I...I've read it, about a month ago.

 '''Dad:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed.''] Stuff...candy...don't...I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

 '''Dad:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

 '''Dad:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

 '''Dad:''' Kacey says you eat McDonald's. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

 '''Dad:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, Chris is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

 '''Dad:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

 '''Dad:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

 '''Dad:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after...that was 30 seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

 '''Dad:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

 '''Dad:''' I'm a Marine. Not after...a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but...how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe...maybe after, I don't know, 10 miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about 15 minutes on a daily basis.

 '''Dad:''' 15 minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

 '''Dad:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't...you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to videorecord five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' You "can"?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

 '''Dad:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

 '''Dad:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a Windows is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

 '''Dad:''' Don't...[''sputters'']...don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

 '''Dad:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

 '''Dad:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well...yeah, well, I can't...

 '''Dad:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like...half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, so a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

 '''Dad:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

 '''Dad:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? The strong man outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...
===Liquid Chris and minimum wage jobs===
 '''Dad:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have...you would be like Chris.

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than Chris.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

 '''Dad:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than Chris, you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

 '''Dad:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

 '''Dad:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry Chris. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on YouTube where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

 '''Dad:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''Chris shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath.''] EVER.

 '''Dad:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from Wendy's, most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

 '''Dad:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

 '''Dad:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about eight dollars an hour.

 '''Dad:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

 '''Dad:''' If you want to do lifting you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''He takes a contemptuous tone.''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

 '''Dad:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

 '''Dad:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

 '''Dad:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

 '''Dad:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

 '''Dad:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, daddy?

 '''Dad:''' What's this he's talking about...minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

 '''Dad:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

 '''Dad:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

 '''Dad:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.
===Respect and listening skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, daddy?

 '''Dad:''' He's always been...he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

 '''Dad:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

 '''Dad:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the honest truth, from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, Chris charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, uhm, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to God.

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

 '''Dad:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

 '''Dad:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

 '''Dad:''' Stop sighing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

 '''Dad:''' Didn't you just hear, she...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

 '''Dad:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

 '''Dad:''' This is...this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

 '''Dad:''' But this is...she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W...well, I'm sorry she's upset.

 '''Dad:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you...you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

 '''Dad:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send...I promise you. I have not been lying.

 '''Dad:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.
===Chris's pathetic life and diseased ticker===
 '''Dad:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play video games again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

 '''Dad:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your Pokeymans, watch TV. Sleep. Eat McDonald's. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

 '''Dad:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

 '''Dad:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

 '''Dad:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

 '''Dad:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

 '''Dad:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

 '''Dad:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

 '''Dad:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

 '''Dad:''' O...kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

 '''Dad:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

 '''Dad:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. FAT. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

 '''Dad:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for 15 minutes. That's...that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to 30 minutes.

 '''Dad:''' 30 minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

 '''Dad:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

 '''Dad:''' A day. That...I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

 '''Dad:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

 '''Dad:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on Lipitor?

'''Chris:''' Hm.

 '''Dad:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long...do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

 '''Dad:''' And play...okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

 '''Dad:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

 '''Dad:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little Buddha belly and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

 '''Dad:''' And you just told me 15 minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, 15 minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so you don't even run 15 minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's 15, they're, 15 minutes, they're 15-minute intervals, like I do 15 minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another 15 minutes of jogging.

 '''Dad:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

 '''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

 '''Dad:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

 '''Dad:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

 '''Dad:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About 72 beats per minute.

 '''Dad:''' 72 beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about 100 beats per minute.

 '''Dad:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately 84 right now.

 '''Dad:''' 84 from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like arrhythmia or tachycardia. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of stress from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to McDonald's, and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response.''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're 30.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic.''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't...less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive.''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go McDonald's anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

 '''Dad:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']
===Chris blows it, but he's an American!===
 '''Dad:''' She was pretty, ah...let's say you just blew it, man. She was, she was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

 '''Dad:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues.'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

 '''Dad:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about, yes you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

 '''Dad:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response, that's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel, I just feel very sad for her.

 '''Dad:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about, you should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

 '''Dad:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, REALLY turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, 50 pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, MAYBE.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

 '''Dad:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

 '''Dad:''' And I think she should be with her real fiancé right now. [''Long silence.''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like...a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly...as a friend...a true friend, a good friend...

 '''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

 '''Dad:''' I do know. Because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well...points of view.

 '''Dad:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. Belieeeeeeeeve me.

 '''Dad:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

 '''Dad:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I...am an American! I am proud to be an American and I am STRONG. I am an individual...

 '''Dad:''' Don't tell, don't tell me you're an American.

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

 '''Dad:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic...if you were patriotic you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that 9/11 video. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't... do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I, at least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am, I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video, and making the apology.

 '''Dad:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.
===Chris's love and memory===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

 '''Dad:''' And you still made it. You...you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

 '''Dad:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

 '''Dad:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't...that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because...I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

 '''Dad:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

 '''Dad:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...you'd probably cry, for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the internet.

'''Chris:''' No!

 '''Dad:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

 '''Dad:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

 '''Dad:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is turquoise.

 '''Dad:''' Turquoise? That's...that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sighs''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

 '''Dad:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

 '''Dad:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

 '''Dad:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

 '''Dad:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

 '''Dad:''' No...[''exasperated sigh'']...no, okay, her grandmother, who is...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

 '''Dad:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.
===Matthew crosses the line and Chris's reaction time===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

 '''Dad:''' A preschooler. God. This is...man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so...[[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

 '''Dad:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' A line. You crossed the line. You've just...you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

 '''Dad:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

 '''Dad:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

 '''Dad:''' Are you...wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I...no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

 '''Dad:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

 '''Dad:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you...I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

 '''Dad:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spellcheck, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

 '''Dad:''' Making...mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

 '''Dad:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

 '''Dad:''' Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't [[naïve]]? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

 '''Dad:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel...anger.

 '''Dad:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

 '''Dad:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

 '''Dad:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli...what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

 '''Dad:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with...I'm sure your "autism" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not totally retarded.

 '''Dad:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.
===Experience and respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

 '''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had 27 years of experience.

 '''Dad:''' With what? Eating McDonald's and watching TV? Son, Chris is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had 52 years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school...prinstapull...and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

 '''Dad:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

 '''Dad:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

 '''Dad:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I, it was not a retard, no. It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to find a school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not...

 '''Dad:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy...this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental...if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in Computer Aided Drafting and Design. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

 '''Dad:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''Angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage.'']

 '''Dad:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has don nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

 '''Dad:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

 '''Dad:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

 '''Dad:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet 27 years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

 '''Dad:''' And you...and you haven't, she wasn't alive 27 years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole 27 years.

 '''Dad:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

 '''Dad:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

 '''Dad:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

 '''Dad:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is creepy and bad at dating===
 '''Dad:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

 '''Dad:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

 '''Dad:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

 '''Dad:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

 '''Dad:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

 '''Dad:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

 '''Dad:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff her to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about...on her.

 '''Dad:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

 '''Dad:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

 '''Dad:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

 '''Dad:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' Or even tried to.

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Truly.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? Only one.

 '''Dad:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

 '''Dad:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

 '''Dad:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

 '''Dad:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

 '''Dad:''' You can't think of...I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean...I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to Applebee's, and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

 '''Dad:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about ten dollars.

 '''Dad:''' Ten dollars.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' That's...ten dollars for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

 '''Dad:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

 '''Dad:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

 '''Dad:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15 or 20 percent.

 '''Dad:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid 10 dollars?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15 percent of 10 is a dollar fifty.

 '''Dad:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, 80 dollars for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm...let's see...that would be about 12 dollars.

 '''Dad:''' So you would pay just 12 dollars, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

 '''Dad:''' You could at least...they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well...good for them.

 '''Dad:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

 '''Dad:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

 '''Dad:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

 '''Dad:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

 '''Dad:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

 '''Dad:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

 '''Dad:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

 '''Dad:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.
===Endgame===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence.''] Well...I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

 '''Dad:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

 '''Dad:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's...that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for 15 to 30 minutes.

 '''Dad:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

 '''Dad:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|You know that song, that "Whole New World," from that Disney movie]]? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

 '''Dad:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

 '''Dad:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

 '''Dad:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

 '''Dad:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

 '''Dad:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the Aladdin movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than 10 times. In my lifetime. At this point.

 '''Dad:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

 '''Dad:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence.''] I see.

 '''Dad:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together.

'''Kacey:''' [''Bursting in.''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?! You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''Heavy sigh.'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. You can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid LittleBigPlanet thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So you know what? I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the two hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven two hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean...yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then...and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough. Because you haven't done anything like that. You've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, three songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid LittleBigPlanet thing for me. Come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the STRESS. I can't do this. I want a real man.

'''Kacey:''' [''Silence again.''] You can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you've done, Chris. Look what you've done!

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's all he can say, I'm done.

 '''Dad:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

 '''Dad:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' [''Silence reigns.''] I would like to say...good evening.

 '''Dad:''' So...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out.'']

{{succession|label=Kacey Phone Calls|prevlink=[[Kacey Phone Call]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Y1N7JXQ3 mp3 of phonecall]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SKLGsJC6R0 the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]

Father Call

2010-04-10T01:46:23Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Experience and respect */

[[Image:208x228 Advice-CWC-I-JOG-FIVE-MILES-A-DAY.jpg|thumb|Yup!]]

Early in November 2009, [[Chris|Solid Chris]] spent a little over two hours on the phone one night with Matthew Devoria, father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]].

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest content|honesty]], before going on to [[lie]] his ass off about any topic you care to mention.

He's even playing ''Portal'' during the phone conversation, if you go to 01:22:21, you'll hear a turret saying "target lost", seconds after Chris is told by Matthew that Kacey hasn't heard a word Chris has said. [[Fail|''The irony is undeniable''.]]

[[Image:Matthew_Devoria.jpg|thumb|Artist's interpretation of Matthew Devoria.]]

Their conversation is...illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matthew berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog|inability]] [[pokemon|to]] [[video games|grow]] [[sonichu|up]], [[chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[fat|rotund figure]], and for generally being a [[fail|failure]] at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial chores]], mowing the lawn, which he uses a [[CWC Fighter|riding lawn mower]] to do, and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homo|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being confronted with the truth that he uses the [[trolls]] and his [[autism]] as a crutch, [[stress]] overcame him and Chris became increasingly more [[chris and anger|upset]]. In general, Chris's attitude and immaturity greatly offended [[Kacey]] and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which didn't go so well...

==Transcript==
===Mathew makes the scene===
'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris, it's Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house cause, um, they wanted to call cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter...

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right, actually I'm working on a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did 51 reps with, uh, 50 pound weights... not really weights, but...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? Cause, reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times each arm so 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hm. Well, was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny cause I have to lift like... 100 or more pounds for my job but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Uh, okay, what's his name? ...okay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry I didn't hear you, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Matthew? Okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' All right.

'''Kacey:''' All right well just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

[''Pause'']

 '''Dad:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, s-good evening sir, how are you?

 '''Dad:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm doing good.

 '''Dad:''' Good, good... So, uh... I've got a couple of questions for you... Well, more than a couple.

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an an-with an [[honest content|honest]] answer.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, first and foremost, let's see...you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Not currently but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]], I have been filling applications left and right.

 '''Dad:''' Really, really, what kind of places? What kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, w-yeah, I'm like a - I'm applying for like uh - retail stores and such, I've got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at [[Wal-Mart]], and had one over at [[Target]]...I have worked before, I've worked at [[Wendy's]] in Ruckersville for a few months...first off I worked off as a sales representative for [[Cutco]] cutlery.

 '''Dad:''' Right, that's minimum wage stuff...did you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

 '''Dad:''' And you're working at...''Target''...I mean, I know the economy's bad but I mean... surely you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? ...How old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27...sir.

 '''Dad:''' You're almost ''thirty'' and you're working at, uh...''Target''. You WANNA work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hm...yeah well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh...degree and certificate would get me but I mean like, you know...but I mean, if I-if I did know then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

 '''Dad:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get...in that field and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Uh...I graduated in 2006.

 '''Dad:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it... Hm, you haven't had any jobs between then?
===Pokémon volunteer and Chris's home===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had-I did-I have done volunteer work... uh...

 '''Dad:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

 '''Dad:''' What kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' All right, yeah, well, I have the-I helped the children over at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Citizens Gym League]] for the [[Pokémon]] Trading Card Game league a few years back...

 '''Dad:''' ''Pokémon''? Wait, wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, build decks from what scraps they had, make sure they kept in order, don't get too crazy...

 '''Dad:''' And...how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what was that?

 '''Dad:''' How long ago was this? That Pokemon thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]]? I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' That was the late 90s.

 '''Dad:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' And-um-that's still going strong. Maybe I-

 '''Dad:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...And I have been doing that from 1998 till about 2008. So about 10 years I've been doing that.

 '''Dad:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' ...Yeah but also like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

 '''Dad:''' Babysitting...but doesn't babysitting usually you know, you know, pay? And I mean, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people, planting trees, that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah well, I have-I have been-I have helped people out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure children were playing and were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

 '''Dad:''' And...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore?

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, I was kinda like, uh, you know, uh, [[fail|not so good at showing up]], so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but you know we gotta move on. But anyway, aside from that I...I've been searching and, uh, doing yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

 '''Dad:''' Right, right...Well anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, Pok-e-man now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|2-story house]] with my [[mother]] and my [[father]].

 '''Dad:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] Almost 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but its like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the uh, for a while.

 '''Dad:''' And uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

 '''Dad:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20... I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to each their own individual growth rates.

 '''Dad:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask though...I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:'''Yes, yes, I am serious about Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my-of the house.

 '''Dad:''' ...with her help?

'''Chris:''' ...and get a place of my own...

 '''Dad:''' You need her help to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like you know..um..some details I'm not understand...I talk to my parents sometimes about that but it's like, uh, you know..uh...I..it's like a....whole bunch of details..you know...yeah.

 '''Dad:''' EXPLAIN, PLEASE. I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need external influence, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

 '''Dad:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, just go to any college board.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

 '''Dad:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know.

 '''Dad:''' So, really, if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.
===Financial situation and Crystal the tard-baby===
 '''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

 '''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself.

'''Chris:'''I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, then why aren't you? Where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:'''Yeah, I do have, I do have a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]].

 '''Dad:''' Do you now.

'''Chris:'''I get, yeah, I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

 '''Dad:''' So why do you get welfare? Might I ask? Or whatever you call it.

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of me moving out and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel that I could, I would be able to take care of Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

 '''Dad:''' Are you now.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

 '''Dad:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

 '''Dad:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

 '''Dad:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

 '''Dad:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar...I can promise you that.

 '''Dad:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

 '''Dad:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance. Anything else, dad?

 '''Dad:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go...what were you doing again?

 '''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes, I'll be right back, dad.

 '''Dad:''' I think there's some cake down there, too, go help yourself or something.

 '''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, dad.

 '''Dad:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see...if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

 '''Dad:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

 '''Dad:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?

 '''Dad:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Texas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

 '''Dad:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic dreams and Bob Chandler===
 '''Dad:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

 '''Dad:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

 '''Dad:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

 '''Dad:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

 '''Dad:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

 '''Dad:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

 '''Dad:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go - don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

 '''Dad:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]....

 '''Dad:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

 '''Dad:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to draw and color. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I sculpt. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even technologically smart. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

 '''Dad:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

 '''Dad:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

 '''Dad:''' But..you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. I mean, that's not good, son. When I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

 '''Dad:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.
===Kacey's boobs and internet fame===
 '''Dad:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

 '''Dad:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

 '''Dad:''' ''[laughs]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''he laughs''] she could be a little bit sm-[[Ego|she could be smarter than me on some things]].

 '''Dad:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

 '''Dad:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently [[Kacey Phone Call|when you first talked to her, you actually were pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, [[Liquid Chris|that other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

 '''Dad:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend Kim, she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

 '''Dad:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

 '''Dad:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the electric hedgehog Pokemon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

 '''Dad:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokemon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the technology with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

 '''Dad:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

 '''Dad:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

 '''Dad:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, internet, and I became internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…

 '''Dad:''' Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…

 '''Dad:''' This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this internet, I mean you just, all this internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.
===Twin Falling Towers and getting fired===
 '''Dad:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

 '''Dad:''' But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah… 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…

 '''Dad:'''You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser internet troll, who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], who’s alias is Gregg Mays, and…

 '''Dad:''' You made a video…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…

 '''Dad:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…

 '''Dad:''' Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [trails off with a faint groaning] Yeah, but anyway,

 '''Dad:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

 '''Dad:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [Pause] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

 '''Dad:''' …Uh-huh. Really. That’s…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That… are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:'''No, no I'm not changing-

 '''Dad:''' Are you making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

 '''Dad:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

 '''Dad:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

 '''Dad:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

 '''Dad:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' Also sounds a little gay. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background.''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

 '''Dad:''' Why do you sigh so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

 '''Dad:''' [''Matt has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while.''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.
===Maturity, and chores===
 '''Dad:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''Chris rapidly loses coherence.''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

 '''Dad:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up sir! I have moved, I have moved on from Pokemon years ago! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

 '''Dad:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokemon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers.''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

 '''Dad:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

 '''Dad:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

 '''Dad:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

 '''Dad:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

 '''Dad:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

 '''Dad:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

 '''Dad:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

 '''Dad:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of my tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokemon for years, sir!

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

 '''Dad:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some Guitar Hero.

 '''Dad:''' [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play guitar.

 '''Dad:''' You have to stand up to play guitar! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

 '''Dad:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

 '''Dad:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

 '''Dad:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups you did]], whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

 '''Dad:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

 '''Dad:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.
===Death and fake internet women===
 '''Dad:''' [''Matt is about to break down laughing.''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

 '''Dad:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

 '''Dad:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

 '''Dad:''' [''stress sigh of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the twin towers. And you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

 '''Dad:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

 '''Dad:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood and plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

 '''Dad:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' And that's just, that's just...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at straws at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

 '''Dad:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

 '''Dad:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those two women died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

 '''Dad:''' You don't even know these people!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

 '''Dad:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''He is in a state of great consternation.''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

 '''Dad:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this one time where I actually thought it was a woman, and I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

 '''Dad:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I...[''angry, incoherent stammering'']

 '''Dad:''' I am looking at Kacey right now.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

 '''Dad:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

 '''Dad:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''He's snapping.''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!
===The maggot Manchild and shit starts to hit the fan===
 '''Dad:''' "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

 '''Dad:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. I am a STRONG MAN. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

 '''Dad:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

 '''Dad:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts.''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

 '''Dad:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

 '''Dad:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

 '''Dad:''' Yes-they-are! Everyone works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

 '''Dad:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw a video of your house. It's a fucking mess! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

 '''Dad:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

 '''Dad:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears.''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

 '''Dad:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

 '''Dad:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

 '''Dad:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden? That was a heavy burden?

 '''Dad:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

 '''Dad:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

 '''Dad:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...
===Kacey returns===
 '''Dad:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

 '''Dad:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

 '''Dad:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

 '''Dad:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

 '''Dad:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

 '''Dad:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''He's still combative.''] I have a lot to offer her!

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

 '''Dad:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''another sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

 '''Dad:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

 '''Dad:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

 '''Dad:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']
===Literature and health===
 '''Dad:''' And if the internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

 '''Dad:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' The last book I read...was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''.

 '''Dad:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

 '''Dad:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

 '''Dad:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

 '''Dad:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I...have...learned...that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lenny throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

 '''Dad:''' That's ''Of Mice and Men''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' Yeeeaaaaah...did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

 '''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is...just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

 '''Dad:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who Atticus Finch was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus...hm...Atticus...hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

 '''Dad:''' Yesss...man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I...I've read it, about a month ago.

 '''Dad:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

 '''Dad:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed.''] Stuff...candy...don't...I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

 '''Dad:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

 '''Dad:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

 '''Dad:''' Kacey says you eat McDonald's. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

 '''Dad:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, Chris is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

 '''Dad:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

 '''Dad:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

 '''Dad:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after...that was 30 seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

 '''Dad:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

 '''Dad:''' I'm a Marine. Not after...a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but...how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe...maybe after, I don't know, 10 miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about 15 minutes on a daily basis.

 '''Dad:''' 15 minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

 '''Dad:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't...you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to videorecord five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' You "can"?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

 '''Dad:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

 '''Dad:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a Windows is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

 '''Dad:''' Don't...[''sputters'']...don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

 '''Dad:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

 '''Dad:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well...yeah, well, I can't...

 '''Dad:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like...half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, so a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

 '''Dad:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

 '''Dad:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? The strong man outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...
===Liquid Chris and minimum wage jobs===
 '''Dad:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have...you would be like Chris.

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than Chris.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

 '''Dad:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than Chris, you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

 '''Dad:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

 '''Dad:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry Chris. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on YouTube where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

 '''Dad:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''Chris shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath.''] EVER.

 '''Dad:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from Wendy's, most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

 '''Dad:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

 '''Dad:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about eight dollars an hour.

 '''Dad:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

 '''Dad:''' If you want to do lifting you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''He takes a contemptuous tone.''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

 '''Dad:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

 '''Dad:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

 '''Dad:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

 '''Dad:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

 '''Dad:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, daddy?

 '''Dad:''' What's this he's talking about...minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

 '''Dad:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

 '''Dad:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

 '''Dad:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.
===Respect and listening skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, daddy?

 '''Dad:''' He's always been...he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

 '''Dad:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

 '''Dad:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the honest truth, from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, Chris charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, uhm, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to God.

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

 '''Dad:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

 '''Dad:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

 '''Dad:''' Stop sighing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

 '''Dad:''' Didn't you just hear, she...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

 '''Dad:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

 '''Dad:''' This is...this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

 '''Dad:''' But this is...she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W...well, I'm sorry she's upset.

 '''Dad:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you...you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

 '''Dad:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send...I promise you. I have not been lying.

 '''Dad:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.
===Chris's pathetic life and diseased ticker===
 '''Dad:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play video games again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

 '''Dad:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your Pokeymans, watch TV. Sleep. Eat McDonald's. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

 '''Dad:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

 '''Dad:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

 '''Dad:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

 '''Dad:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

 '''Dad:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

 '''Dad:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

 '''Dad:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

 '''Dad:''' O...kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

 '''Dad:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

 '''Dad:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. FAT. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

 '''Dad:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for 15 minutes. That's...that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to 30 minutes.

 '''Dad:''' 30 minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

 '''Dad:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

 '''Dad:''' A day. That...I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

 '''Dad:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

 '''Dad:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on Lipitor?

'''Chris:''' Hm.

 '''Dad:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long...do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

 '''Dad:''' And play...okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

 '''Dad:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

 '''Dad:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little Buddha belly and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

 '''Dad:''' And you just told me 15 minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, 15 minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so you don't even run 15 minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's 15, they're, 15 minutes, they're 15-minute intervals, like I do 15 minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another 15 minutes of jogging.

 '''Dad:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

 '''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

 '''Dad:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

 '''Dad:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

 '''Dad:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About 72 beats per minute.

 '''Dad:''' 72 beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about 100 beats per minute.

 '''Dad:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately 84 right now.

 '''Dad:''' 84 from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like arrhythmia or tachycardia. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of stress from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to McDonald's, and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response.''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're 30.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic.''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't...less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive.''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go McDonald's anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

 '''Dad:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']
===Chris blows it, but he's an American!===
 '''Dad:''' She was pretty, ah...let's say you just blew it, man. She was, she was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

 '''Dad:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

 '''Dad:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues.'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

 '''Dad:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about, yes you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

 '''Dad:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response, that's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel, I just feel very sad for her.

 '''Dad:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about, you should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

 '''Dad:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, REALLY turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, 50 pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, MAYBE.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

 '''Dad:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

 '''Dad:''' And I think she should be with her real fiancé right now. [''Long silence.''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like...a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly...as a friend...a true friend, a good friend...

 '''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

 '''Dad:''' I do know. Because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well...points of view.

 '''Dad:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. Belieeeeeeeeve me.

 '''Dad:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

 '''Dad:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I...am an American! I am proud to be an American and I am STRONG. I am an individual...

 '''Dad:''' Don't tell, don't tell me you're an American.

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

 '''Dad:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic...if you were patriotic you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that 9/11 video. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't... do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I, at least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am, I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video, and making the apology.

 '''Dad:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.
===Chris's love and memory===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

 '''Dad:''' And you still made it. You...you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

 '''Dad:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

 '''Dad:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't...that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because...I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

 '''Dad:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

 '''Dad:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...you'd probably cry, for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the internet.

'''Chris:''' No!

 '''Dad:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

 '''Dad:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

 '''Dad:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is turquoise.

 '''Dad:''' Turquoise? That's...that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sighs''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

 '''Dad:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

 '''Dad:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

 '''Dad:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

 '''Dad:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

 '''Dad:''' No...[''exasperated sigh'']...no, okay, her grandmother, who is...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

 '''Dad:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.
===Matthew crosses the line and Chris's reaction time===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

 '''Dad:''' A preschooler. God. This is...man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so...[[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

 '''Dad:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' A line. You crossed the line. You've just...you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

 '''Dad:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

 '''Dad:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

 '''Dad:''' Are you...wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I...no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

 '''Dad:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

 '''Dad:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

 '''Dad:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you...I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

 '''Dad:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spellcheck, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

 '''Dad:''' Making...mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

 '''Dad:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

 '''Dad:''' Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't [[naïve]]? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

 '''Dad:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel...anger.

 '''Dad:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

 '''Dad:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

 '''Dad:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli...what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

 '''Dad:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with...I'm sure your "autism" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not totally retarded.

 '''Dad:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.
===Experience and respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

 '''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had 27 years of experience.

 '''Dad:''' With what? Eating McDonald's and watching TV? Son, Chris is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had 52 years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school...prinstapull...[[Julie Reveals Herself|and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?]]

 '''Dad:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

 '''Dad:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

 '''Dad:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I, it was not a retard, no. It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to find a school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not...

 '''Dad:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy...this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental...if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in Computer Aided Drafting and Design. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

 '''Dad:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''Angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage.'']

 '''Dad:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has don nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

 '''Dad:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

 '''Dad:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

 '''Dad:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet 27 years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

 '''Dad:''' And you...and you haven't, she wasn't alive 27 years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole 27 years.

 '''Dad:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

 '''Dad:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

 '''Dad:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

 '''Dad:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is creepy and bad at dating===
 '''Dad:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

 '''Dad:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

 '''Dad:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

 '''Dad:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

 '''Dad:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

 '''Dad:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

 '''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

 '''Dad:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff her to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about...on her.

 '''Dad:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

 '''Dad:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

 '''Dad:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

 '''Dad:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' Or even tried to.

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Truly.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? Only one.

 '''Dad:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

 '''Dad:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

 '''Dad:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

 '''Dad:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

 '''Dad:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

 '''Dad:''' You can't think of...I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean...I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to Applebee's, and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

 '''Dad:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about ten dollars.

 '''Dad:''' Ten dollars.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' That's...ten dollars for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

 '''Dad:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

 '''Dad:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

 '''Dad:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15 or 20 percent.

 '''Dad:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid 10 dollars?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

 '''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

 '''Dad:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15 percent of 10 is a dollar fifty.

 '''Dad:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, 80 dollars for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm...let's see...that would be about 12 dollars.

 '''Dad:''' So you would pay just 12 dollars, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

 '''Dad:''' You could at least...they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well...good for them.

 '''Dad:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

 '''Dad:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

 '''Dad:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

 '''Dad:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

 '''Dad:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

 '''Dad:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

 '''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

 '''Dad:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

 '''Dad:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.
===Endgame===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence.''] Well...I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

 '''Dad:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

 '''Dad:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's...that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for 15 to 30 minutes.

 '''Dad:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

 '''Dad:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|You know that song, that "Whole New World," from that Disney movie]]? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

 '''Dad:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

 '''Dad:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

 '''Dad:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

 '''Dad:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

 '''Dad:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the Aladdin movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than 10 times. In my lifetime. At this point.

 '''Dad:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

 '''Dad:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence.''] I see.

 '''Dad:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together.

'''Kacey:''' [''Bursting in.''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?! You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''Heavy sigh.'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. You can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid LittleBigPlanet thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So you know what? I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the two hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven two hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean...yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then...and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough. Because you haven't done anything like that. You've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, three songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid LittleBigPlanet thing for me. Come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the STRESS. I can't do this. I want a real man.

'''Kacey:''' [''Silence again.''] You can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

 '''Dad:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you've done, Chris. Look what you've done!

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's all he can say, I'm done.

 '''Dad:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

 '''Dad:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' [''Silence reigns.''] I would like to say...good evening.

 '''Dad:''' So...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out.'']

{{succession|label=Kacey Phone Calls|prevlink=[[Kacey Phone Call]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Y1N7JXQ3 mp3 of phonecall]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SKLGsJC6R0 the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]

User:GodofThunderGodofWar

2010-04-03T03:46:36Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

{{Protip|This was the real Chris.}}

[[Image:ShecameforCWC_(200803).JPG‎|thumb|300px|Remember this, Chrissy?]]

User:GodofThunderGodofWar

2010-04-03T01:30:04Z

CWCvilleSanitation:

{{Protip|This was the real Chris.}}
Hi Chris. Nice job with your threat of vandalizing three pages before playing your PS3. Good job. No one ban him. Let him do whatever the fuck he wants. [[User:Clydec|Clydec]] 23:20, 2 April 2010 (UTC)

Sup Chris, how's it hanging? never mind, you'll never read this, too busy playing the PStriple, you know if you just sold that thing you'd be able to update the comic more. --[[User:Homor|Homor]] 01:10, 3 April 2010 (UTC)

[[Fan:Issue 10.5|Issue 10.5]] coming soon to the CWCki! :D --[[User:Marco|Marco]] 01:15, 3 April 2010 (UTC)

'Ey Chris, I have a game I would recommend to you. Dante's Inferno. Play through the whole thing and pay VERY Close attention to the plot. -CWCville Sanitation

Giant Penis Comic

2010-04-01T18:14:04Z

CWCvilleSanitation: /* Story */

The '''Giant Penis Comic''' (officially '''Sonichu Comic Special 3''', also known colloquially as '''PENIS COMIC''' in the [[Audiobooks]] adaptation) is a short comic drawn by [[Chris]], depicting his [[sex|wedding-night]] with [[Ivy]]. It was hacked and published by [[The Miscreants]] on [[2009#April|April 29, 2009]].

==Story==
[[Image:SchuComicSP3P5.jpg|thumb|right|The Giant Penis in question.]]
Following the events of Chris and Ivy's wedding, Chris meets with Ivy's father [[Keino]] who, it is worth noting, looks eerily like coach John McGuirk from adult swim's [http://intensities.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/coach-mcguirk2.jpg Home Movies]. Chris immediately begins brown-nosing his new father-in-law, displaying the utmost respect to both the man and the uniform. (This is especially hilarious considering Chris's issues with [[Jerkops]] and [[Bagget]] in particular.) Keino launches into a speech about what a great man Chris is and how he admires the tribulations our hero has endured. He entrusts Ivy to Chris's "strong, capable hands," which makes no sense, as usually the father of the bride gives his blessing ''before'' the wedding; instead we have Keino granting Chris permission to fuck his daughter (because who wouldn't want to read a porn comic that had their father in it?).

We then see Chris and Ivy checking into the Double-CWC Hotel (confirming that we are indeed in [[CWCville]]), where Chris has reserved a luxurious penthouse suite. Chris has of course thought of everything—the room is set up with no fewer than five [[dirty crapped briefs|Glade Plug-Ins brand air fresheners]], and they will be sharing a meal of grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, and chocolate pudding.

Chris carries Ivy over the threshold and they are almost immediately naked. Chris stands, displaying his almighty [[pickle]], which turns out to be ''gigantic'', as in an [[duck|HUEG]] third leg. This depiction of his penis looks to be life-size, as if Chris studied and traced it and was told to give special attention to its crookedness. Anime speed lines seem to whiz past both Chris and Ivy's naked forms, suggesting that they are about to lose their respective virginities in a high-speed collision. A disturbingly intense study will reveal that the speedlines are only there to cover up the fact that Chris began to draw a huge scrotum, still visible as a half-circle, complete with pubes to go with his amazing duck, using the speedlines to conceal the half-finished pubes (that go off at different angles). Also the head of the penis is the same size as his actual head.

The newlyweds copulate for all of one panel before they both transform—Chris into [[Chris-chan Sonichu]], and Ivy into some as-yet-unnamed fursona. The two wretched creatures assume the doggy-style position, and make love into the wee hours. As they achieve simultaneous orgasms, both Chris and Ivy have stars in their eyes as they share the solemn thought of thanking [[Christian Weston Chandler|God]] for allowing them to find true furfag happiness.

The comic ends with the two gorging themselves on their ten-dollar chicken dinner, making a toast with wine glasses filled with [[CWC Orange Soda]], and [[Semen|God knows what else.]] Chris and Ivy share a feeble attempt at humor that was lifted from [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpjHayAQHqc Home Movies].
{{clear}}

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:SchuComicSP3P1.jpg|HEY BRENDON, why am I in a shitty comic by an autistic kid?
Image:SchuComicSP3P2.jpg|Ivy used too much botox
Image:SchuComicSP3P3.jpg|Air fresheners are a big turn on: use eight of them!
Image:SchuComicSP3P4.jpg|Chris's extraordinary sense of dimension has finally got him laid. His magically changing shirt was probably a big help too.
Image:SchuComicSP3P5.jpg|Chris can't escape his bent [[dick]] even in his comics.
Image:SchuComicSP3P6.jpg|Then the yiffing commences. Notice Chris draws himself and Ivy better as furfags than as real people.
Image:SchuComicSP3P7.jpg|THANK YOU GOD! It's over!
Image:SchuComicSP3P8.jpg|Jaunty banter, after-sex banter.
</gallery></center>

==Links==
*[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=UBO4NR0H Download the Giant Penis Comic]

{{Sonichu}}

[[Category:Sonichu]]
[[Category:Comic]]