CWCki - User contributions [en]

Talk:Calling Out

2011-08-09T00:00:07Z

Canelle: /* Spoiling the Fun */ fixed heading

{{Not_A_Forum}}

transcribing--[[User:Crooked tooth|Crooked tooth]] 12:42, 6 August 2011 (PDT)
Sorry i cant transcribe my computer is fucking up--[[User:Crooked tooth|Crooked tooth]] 15:24, 6 August 2011 (PDT)
The ''Calling Out "Tito" - Don'' video says it's unavailable =/ --[[User:Elliebytes|Elliebytes]] 12:53, 6 August 2011 (PDT)
:At the moment there is a problem with the video (probably Chris being a dumbass). It's viewable on his YouTube channel page, and I'm about to upload a backup until we can get it on the CWCVilleLibrary. --[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 12:54, 6 August 2011 (PDT)

Do we really want to be talking about the pix on here? Someone might read it. -[[User:BrianBash|BrianBash]] 15:35, 6 August 2011 (PDT)
: We won't know the true authenticity of the photos until Chris surrenders them. Until such a time, please refrain from theories as to who might be depicted in the photos. --[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 16:34, 6 August 2011 (PDT)

== Tomboy/Tomgirl forum ==

I cannot believe that stalking him actually lured him out of his "retirement."

== Hiatus Stats ==

This video hiatus from November 22, 2010 to August 6, 2011 was '''257 days long.'''

This is not Chris's longest hiatus from Youtube. The gap between [[Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007]] and [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008]] was '''270 days long'''.

*I used the date calculator on timeanddate.com to compile this and I did not include the end date. I don't know if this belong on the actual Calling Out page or somewhere else. So I'm just writing it here for reference. Feel free to add the info to this or another article. -- [[User:Crow|Crow]] 18:28, 6 August 2011 (PDT)

Went ahead and added this to the [[Chris and the Internet]] page. [[User:Dantz|Dantz]] 20:18, 6 August 2011 (PDT)

== Billboard, events, and Heather ==

Chris mentions being on a billboard in New York. Do we have any pictures of that? Do we have any information at all about the previous events to lead up to this?? And is the Heather he spoke of "Wallflower". If so, I think it's note-worthy that we mention that he still says they were dating at one point when she has said before (multiple times) that they weren't. If it isn't Wallflower...we need to find out who the heck she is. --[[User:4Macie|4Macie]] 22:15, 6 August 2011 (PDT)
: Yes, yes, and yes. And yes: Chris is delusional.--[[User:Henry Bemis|Henry Bemis]] 22:29, 6 August 2011 (PDT)

:: To answer your questions, Vans shoes had some promotion at the end of 2009 where people could submit photos that would go up on a billboard in Times Square. There were over 4 submitted of Chris by various trolls. The pics are probably somewhere, but I can't find them... Also, for the record, the Wallflower has a standing agreement with the CWCki not to be publicly identified. she shall be referred to only as the Wallflower, as we are true and honest, unlike Chris. --[[User:SargentPickles|SargentPickles]] 22:45, 6 August 2011 (PDT)

::*I haven't gotten a chance to closely watch the videos, but how to handle the mention of the Wallflower is addressed [[CWCki:The Wallflower|here]]. Her name stays in the transcript but there's to be no linking and such. Also, the billboard images are [[20_December_2009|here]].--[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 23:23, 6 August 2011 (PDT)
:::* Ah, I apologize for my naivety on this matter. I feel that to keep the agreement with her, if it is necessary, this part of the talk (that violates the agreement) should be deleted. --[[User:4Macie|4Macie]] 10:37, 7 August 2011 (PDT)
:::*Speaking of that, he's saying that they ''had'' dated (calling her his "ex-girlfriend" in the video). Would it be safer to go ahead and change her name to "The Wallflower"?--[[User:Blazer|Blazer]] 18:41, 7 August 2011 (PDT)
::*So is linking from a ''Wallflower'' page (or from a ''Wallflower'' section of another page) to this page also verboten? --[[User:BrianBash|BrianBash]] 20:26, 7 August 2011 (PDT)
:::*If you mean linking The Wallflower's real name or reference to her to The Wallflower page, then yes, that is forbidden. I'd say same goes with any modifier, like if we were to link "ex-girlfriend" to [[The Wallflower]], pretty much anything that connects that person's name with the status of the Wallflower. Now personally, it's getting kinda silly because Chris keeps dropping her name BUT nonetheless we have an agreement to keep and we're not total jackasses. Her name should definitely remain in the transcript though, accurate transcription is crucial. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 04:57, 8 August 2011 (PDT)

== Spoiling the Fun ==
After seeing him demand money, I just had to respond to him directly. I sent him the following PM.

<blockquote><TT>
On the threshold of legal trouble. 
>"But anyway, moving on with my demands, I would like- also like you to set to-send me via U.S. Mail, ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS CASH. American. Unmarked billssss," 

You do realize that Extortion is a crime. Doing so through the United States Postal Service crossing state lines makes it a federally prosecutable offense. You'd be wise to remove your "Calling Out" videos before they get mirrored and used against you in a court of law. 
</TT></blockquote>
[[User:LordCustos3|LordCustos3]] 09:36, 8 August 2011 (PDT)
: User was banned for this post. --[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 10:28, 8 August 2011 (PDT)

Congratulations. You're one of many people being made fun of on /cwc/ at this precise moment. --[[User:Old meme|Old meme]] 09:37, 8 August 2011 (PDT)

==Thorg = Thorgnzorrg==
I'm pretty sure that ''Thorg'' is actually [[User:Thorgnzorrg]]. Can we mention it, for the sake of being good, clear and trustworthy source of informations of Chris' lifetime? [[User:Hasharin|Hasharin]] 13:31, 8 August 2011 (PDT)

*Nah don't bother linking that, just make me a small page or something. --[[User:Thorgnzorrg|Thorgnzorrg]]

Cwcsicle

2011-03-06T05:16:48Z

Canelle: /* External links */ bullets

'''Cwcsicle''' is a name of a video log entailing [[Chris]] sticking his [[duck|penis]] in the snow for fifteen minutes. It was made in an attempt to get a scene in Jackass 3D. It is split into five parts: 100_2123 through 7.MOV. These titles seem to suggest that it was made in [[February 2010]]. It is the most recently released work to feature the [[Medallion of Fail|Sonichu Medallion.]]

==Transcriptions==
===100_2123.MOV (0:25)===
''[Christian stands in his snow-covered backyard. He is dressed quite heavily, pointing the camera at himself [[Chris and cinematography|with a rather shaky hand]].]''
Hi, I'm Christian Chandler, uh, this is ''"[[Random-access humor|Frozen Stalactite.]]" [Attempts to tilt camera towards crotch, missing it entirely.]'' I'm gonna put my dick in the snow ''[Aims it back at his face.]'' and I'm gonna leave it in there for about fifteen minutes. Currently it's 12:38 ''[Holds up his phone with his free hand]'' according to my cell phone clock. If there's one clock you can not change, it's the one on your cell phone. ''[Pans camera down, revealing that he's buried himself waist-deep. Pans back up.]'' Okay, see ya'll in fifteen minutes.

===100_2124.MOV (0:07)===
''[Holds up phone.]'' Yeah, about six minutes in now. Whooh. Boy, it's cold. I've had p-''[Video abruptly ends.]''

[[Image:CWCSICLE.jpg|thumb|Chris' previous experience with dick freezing]]

===100_2125.MOV (0:10)===
''[Carrying on from where the former left off, albeit with a little more urgency.]'' About six minutes in now. I've had previous experiences with, uh, freezing my dick, and I've even stretched it a bit. Right. I'll be checking back in se-in seven.

===100_2126.MOV (0:22)===
A-alrighty, it's 12:53 ''[Nearly beans himself in the face with his camera lens.]'' Let's pull me out. ''[Gets up with a grunt, nearly loses balance. Camera goes out of focus, although Chris can be heard shivering. The camera turns to focus on his crotch, with his [[duck]] thankfully quite out of view. The sound of something scraping the mic can be heard as he examines his genitals.]'' Feels blue. ''[Camera goes out of focus, then turns to his penis. Not only is it quite within view, it has turned bright red and the camera is upside down. Shortly after, the camera turns away.]'' Look at all that snow all over me. There's the hole it was in. ''[Camera finally turns to Chris' face.]'' Heh. Kids, that is definitely something- ''[Video abruptly ends.]''

===100_2127.MOV (0:06)===
Everybody, I dare say that is one stunt you should not try at home. Peace out. ''[camera turns away as he sets it down.]''

==Fan videos==

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Frozen Stalagtite RECUT
| video = {{#ev:youtube|mskavdOJJTs}}
| Stardate = 3 March 2011
| Maker = shadupp
| Video Type = Parody
}}

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itfzlADNFb8&feature=youtube_gdata SFW version]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ys74ur2xcw24s5t Download]

[[Category:Chris-chan videos, February 2010]]
[[Category:Leaked videos]]
[[Category:Outdoor videos]]

Kacey

2011-03-06T05:10:08Z

Canelle: Fixed infobox

{| class="infobox" style="width: 21em; font-size: 90%;"
|-
! colspan="2" | Sweethearts
|-
| colspan="2" | [[Image:Kacey.jpg|300px]]
|-
! colspan="2" |Kacey
|-
| '''Birth name'''
| Kacey Devoria
|-
| '''Full name'''
| Kacey Yulia "KaceKat" Chandler
|-
| '''Date of Birth'''
| 30 June 1983
|-
| '''Gender'''
| Female
|-
| '''Nationality'''
| [[United States of America|American]]
|-
| '''Race'''
| [[Chris and race|White]]
|-
| '''Parents'''
| [[Matt Devoria]]
|-
| '''Siblings'''
| Kale Devoria (elder brother) Kara Devoria (little sister)
|-
| '''Spouse'''
| [[Liquid Chris]]
|-
| '''Occupation(s)'''
|Nursing/Biology undergraduate
|-
|}

'''Kacey Yulia "KaceKat" Chandler''', née '''Devoria''' (born 30 June [[1983]]), is the [[sweetheart]] of [[CChanSonichuCWC]] (Liquid Chris) who became embroiled in the conflict between her lover and [[Ian Brandon Anderson]] (Solid Chris). She has a "[[china|fun]]", "[[china|caring]]" personality, as Ian believes all women do. As Ian is oft to note, she really cares for him, mayunn!

==Background==

Basically, Ian became enraged with jealousy that [[CChanSonichuCWC]] could have a girlfriend while he couldn't, so he conspired to steal her away in a series of devious phone calls in which he pretended to be Liquid, and told her that he would put his [[duck|penis]] in between her breasts and come all over her. He also planned to follow this act by licking his [[comeuppance]] off of her and [[recycling]] it with her. For a straight man, it's interesting that his first time would still involve recycling his own semen, thus putting his [[homos|orientation]] into question once again. Happily, he never got his chance as she quickly "realized" that Ian was trying to trick her.

Of note, this is probably one of the most blatant and irrefutable [[lies]] the impostor has perpetrated. In his utter hatred of Liquid, it is he himself that <s>becomes</s> remains the impostor in a desperate and misguided attempt to steal Liquid's girlfriend. Also of note is that Solid does a piss-poor job impersonating Liquid, and Kacey has to literally correct him half the time to keep him from breaking his own charade. The worst is when his infamous narcissism kicks in, and he ends up defending "Solid" Chris's [[Chris and fashion|clothing]], [[obesity|weight]], and [[Sonichu Girls#Chris's Hair|stupid fucking haircut]]. For her part, Kacey actually flubs her lines quite a bit, forgetting that she's not supposed to know it's not the real Chris. Ian, of course, never notices.

As revealed by Ian in the video [[Greetings to Kaceys folks]], Kacey's parents are Mr and Mrs D (Devoria).

Kacey is the middle child of her parents, a military couple. Her father is retired military, her mother works in government affairs. She has an older brother, Kale, also military, and a younger sister, Kara, who is a freshman in college. Kacey is rumored to be attending university in Washington D.C., living nearby in an apartment with male roommates. Her family lives in the suburbs of [[Virginia]]. She is majoring in Nursing and Biology.

==Contact with Ian==

On 3 [[August 2009]], Ian sent Kacey [[For Kacey from CWC]] to prove that he is the real Chris.

On 4 August 2009, Ian created [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original]] to reveal his true, fat self.

Kacey was very hurt by the fact that Ian tried to trick her into going to his house. What he was planning to do if she did show up on his door is anyone's guess. In all likelihood, he expected her to actually dump her longtime boyfriend for him once he proved he's the One, True and Honest creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]]. That, or he'd put on a brown shirt and paper medallion and hope she never noticed the glaring differences while he [[recycling|ate]] his own [[navy]] off of her.

On 15 August 2009, she posted a video announcing ChanSonichuCWC's disappearance and felt distraught and heartbroken over the event, calling the police and going as far as to withdraw herself from their marriage.
{{Deletedvideo}}
{{Infobox/Galpal
| name = August 15, 2009
| video = {{#ev:youtube|K9kIcTdeqYU}}
| Stardate = 15 August 2009
| Maker = Kacey
| Subject = [[CChanSonichuCWC]]
| Video Type = Worry
| Other Info = Kacey goes insane over Liquid's disappearance.
}}

On 20 August 2009, she posted another video announcing that the police believed the kidnapping was a hoax, and asked for peace while hoping for the real Chris's return.
{{Deletedvideo}}
{{Infobox/Galpal
| name = Update
| video = {{#ev:youtube|2KNlmx8Nt2o}}
| Stardate = 20 August 2009
| Maker = Kacey
| Subject = [[CChanSonichuCWC]]
| Video Type = Reason
| Other Info = Kacey finds out the kidnapping was a hoax.
}}

==The Love Quest==

Once [[CChanSonichuCWC#The_Return_of_the_King|Liquid Chris returned]], details of the contact between Ian and Kacey began to emerge. In Ian's [[Adressing Liquid]] video, he suggested that Kacey had become a close "[[gal-pal]]", and implies that he still pines for her. Ian would later officially proclaim his love for her in the [[fail|creatively]] titled video, "[[I Love You Kacey]]" where he states that Kacey and himself had been in frequent contact with each other, during the period in which Liquid disappeared.

In [[10252009 For Kacey]], Ian graduated to an official [[Love Quest]] in his desperate attempt to steal Kacey from her future husband. The delusion would grow further in [[For Chris No 2]], where Ian implies that he genuinely thinks that Kacey is leaving Liquid for him. It would later become clear that this was not the case at all; Kacey would later state that she only ever considered herself and Ian as friends.

However, Ian being himself, he began to think that she really was in love with him, and went so far as to [[Re to Chris No 2 - SHE IS MINE NOW|make a video of him gloating to Liquid that he had won her heart.]] At one point, Kacey uploaded audio of herself singing to ''A Whole New World'', from the popular Disney movie ''Aladdin'' to Youtube. The description section ambiguously sought for "Chris" to perform a duet with the audio; naturally, this [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|culminated in a video showing the true range of Ian's Sinatra-esque tones]].

==The end of Kacey==

Ian and Kacey's <s>friendship</s> love affair continued for a while afterward, until Chris got into an [[Father Call|argument with Kacey's father]] after attempting to prove his worthiness as a man. In the process, Kacey saw how utterly messed up he was, mentally and physically, and returned to Liquid's waiting arms. Chris's chances were utterly dashed after she got a hold of [[Sonichu Special 4|his comic to her]] and learned that he was willing go and ''shoot'' Liquid. Horrified, Kacey scorned Ian for his actions in [[Kacey and Liquid Call|a final phone call to him]], never to return. Ian would later upload [[CWC is sad|a video where his solemnity was clear]], although this depression would last for merely a day.

With the release of [[The End For Real (Kacey call)|the ''actual'' final phone call between Kacey and Chris,]] it is shown that Kacey is very wise about Chris's dealings. Following the end of the call, Kacey makes an assumption about Chris never mentioning her again. While he does in [[CWC is sad]], the very next day after said video, a new video is released where [[Red Letter CWC Certified Day|Chris is smiling from ear to ear.]] The very next day. The coincidence is stunning.

==Marriage to Liquid==
[[Image:Wedding Photo by Scarlet Rose.jpg|thumb|The happy couple.]]

Liquid and Kacey were married on 11 [[November 2009]], at 2 p.m. EST. It was a very small wedding ceremony with their families and a few select friends. Solid tried his best to ruin the honeymoon via receiving copyright papers, which, as you probably guessed, [[Fail|failed miserably]].

Little is known of Kacey at this point, despite Liquid Chris resurfacing to help heighten the success of [[Asperchu]].

==See also==
*[[Kacey calls]]
*[[Father Call]]
*[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]
*[[The End For Real (Kacey call)]]

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?mkgfzztdgcz The complete phone call between Chris and Kacey]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rRi90wfvHI Resident Chris-chan 3: Dating Ground]

{{The Cwcivil War of 2009}}
{{Sweethearts}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Devoria, Kacey}}

[[Category:Sweethearts]]
[[Category:Liquid Saga]]

List of Chris's Adam & Eve purchases

2011-02-23T05:35:12Z

Canelle: /* List of documented purchases */

{{Honest}}
{{taxpayermoney}}

[[Chris]] has bought a number of [[sex toys]], [[porn]] [[DVD]]s, and other adult amusements from the [[Adam & Eve]] online store. Records of several purchases have been acquired by [[trolls]], and are summarized below.

This list is not comprehensive. (On occasion, Chris has mentioned owning other products from Adam & Eve that aren't listed in the available records of his purchases, particularly "educational" videos published under the company's Sinclair Institute brand.) However, it seems fairly representative of Chris's tastes in masturbation assistance. Notably, he paid full price for very few of the DVDs he's acquired — most of them were either gifts or sold at a steep discount. One of the only discs he looks to have specifically shopped for was a collection of vintage American smut cartoons.

==List of documented purchases==
{| class="wikitable sortable"
|-
!align="left"|Date Ordered
!align="left"|Description
!align="left"|Type
!align="right"|Price
|-
|16 September [[2006]]
|Booty Licious Love Doll<ref>[http://www.sensualadviser.com/-/info_sex_toy/noveltyid=RD171-00.html]</ref>
|Toy
|$22.95
|-
|16 September 2006
|Pearl Beaded Prolong Ring - White<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/cock-rings/sp-pearl-beaded-prolong-ring-8905.aspx]</ref>
|Toy
|$2.00
|-
|17 September 2006
|''[[Wikipedia:Nina Hartley|Nina Hartley]]'s Guide to Sex Toys''
|DVD
|$3.95
|-
|17 September 2006
|''[[Wikipedia:Space Nuts|Space Nuts]]''<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/adult-dvds/spoofs/sp-space-nuts-dvd-7569.aspx]</ref>
|DVD
|$4.95
|-
|17 September 2006
|''[[Wikipedia:Rawhide (film)|Rawhide]] 2-Disc Collector's Set''<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/adult-dvds/features/sp-rawhide-disc-collectors-set-10061.aspx]</ref>
|DVD
|$0.99
|-
|17 September 2006
|Adam & Eve Starter Kit
|DVD/CD
|$3.95
|-
|10 March [[2007]]
|[[Officer Nasty|Officer Nasty Fantasy Doll]]
|Toy
|$24.95
|-
|10 March 2007
|''The Best of Amateur Angels''<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/adult-dvds/amateur/sp-the-best-of-amateur-angels-dvd-10747.aspx]</ref><ref>[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0859743/]</ref>
|DVD/CD
|$5
|-
|7 July 2007
|Velvet Touch [[Mass debating|Masturbator]]<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/male-masturbators/sp-velvet-touch-masturbator-6588.aspx]</ref>
|Toy
|$24.95
|-
|7 July 2007
|Silicone Superstud Power Ring
|Toy
|Free
|-
|7 July 2007
|Titanium 5-Star Video Collection
|DVD
|Free
|-
|16 July 2007
|[[Officer Nasty|Officer Nasty Love Doll]]
|Toy
|$12.48
|-
|16 July 2007
|A&E Hot Action Lotion - Strawberry<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/sexy-extras/sex-lubes/flavored-sex-lubes/sp-hot-action-sex-lotion-1764.aspx]</ref>
|Toy
|$6.95
|-
|16 July 2007
|''Carmen & Friends''
|DVD
|Free
|-
|16 July 2007
|''The Perfect Secretary''<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/adult-dvds/features/sp-the-perfect-secretary-dvd-8963.aspx]</ref>
|DVD
|Free
|-
|16 July 2007
|Wicked Hot Pics Photo CD
|DVD
|Free
|-
|20 August 2007
|[[Officer Nasty|Officer Nasty Love Doll]]
|Toy
|$15.96
|-
|20 August 2007
|''Mystery Feature''
|DVD/CD
|Free
|-
|20 August 2007
|''Redlight Girls''
|DVD
|Free
|-
|20 August 2007
|''Extreme Behavior 2''<ref>[http://www.iafd.com/title.rme/title=Extreme+Behavior+2/year=2003/extreme-behavior-2.htm]</ref>
|DVD
|Free
|-
|20 August 2007
|Signature Series 10: [[Wikipedia:Shayla LaVeaux|Shayla LaVeaux]]<ref>[http://www.iafd.com/title.rme/title=Signature+Series+10%3A+Shayla+LaVeaux/year=2004/signature-series-10%3a-shayla-laveaux.htm]</ref>
|DVD/CD
|$0.82
|-
|26 December 2007
|[[Kimmi|Kimme Anime Love Doll]]
|Toy
|$14.98
|-
|26 December 2007
|''Vintage XXX Cartoons''<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/adult-dvds/animation/sp-vintage-xxx-cartoons-dvd-7227.aspx]</ref>
|DVD
|$14.98
|-
|26 December 2007
|''XXX Pleasure Seekers''
|DVD
|Free
|-
|26 December 2007
|''[[Wikipedia:Playboy|Playboy]]'' magazine, digital edition
|DVD/CD
|Free
|-
|3 January [[2008]]
|2008 [[Adam & Eve]] Calendar
|Other
|$5.95
|-
|3 January 2008
|Romance Roulette Card Game
|Other
|$7.48
|-
|3 January 2008
|[[Wikipedia:Carmen|''Carmen'']]
|Other
|$4.68
|-
|3 January 2008
|''XXX Pleasure Seekers''
|DVD
|Free
|-
|3 January 2008
|Anal Love Beads
|Toy
|Free
|-
|4 [[May 2010]]
|[[Yumi]] Asian [[Anime]] Doll
|Toy
|$13.98
|-
|4 May 2010
|[[Ringo Starr|Ringo]]'s Cock Ring (x2)<ref>[http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/cock-rings/sp-ringos-cock-ring-13674.aspx]</ref>
|Toy
|$5.90
|-
|4 May 2010
|Pink Passion Masturbator
|Toy
|Free
|-
|4 May 2010
|''Sweet Young Things 3 on 1''<ref>[http://www.iafd.com/title.rme/title=sweet+young+things+3/year=2008/sweet-young-things-3.htm]</ref>
|DVD/CD
|Free
|}

The grand total price of these documented items is [[Chris and money|$197.85]].

==References==
<references/>

==Download==
* http://www.mediafire.com/?mdymmjmttny

==See also==
*[[Chris and sex]]
*[[Sex toys]]

==External link==
*[http://www.adameve.com/ Adam & Eve website]

{{Lists}}

[[Category:Things Chris has had Sex with]]
[[Category:Lists]]

JERKS

2011-02-16T23:16:21Z

Canelle: /* Varying usage */

[[Image:140-AJerk.jpg|thumb|Chris even divides his [[trading card game]] monsters into JERKS and females.]]

'''JERK''' is [[Chris's]] term for men in general, including those who are not [[niggo]]s, [[homos]], or [[jerkops]]. The canonical definition is "a MAN, other than myself, CWC, and my father, [[Bob Chandler|Robert Franklin Chandler, Jr.]]"<ref>[[Story of My Current Days]]</ref>

For example, Chris labeled every single one of his male [[MySpace]] friends as a jerk in his personal list. A few "respectable males" are apparently exempt from jerk status, such as [[George W. Bush]] and [[Barack Obama]] (and possibly [[Congrats, Jack Black|Jack Black]]).

One reason is the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]].

==Use as a denominator==
Although he has defined the term "jerk" to mean all men save him and his father, the usage of the term seems to apply to any person who gets in the way of Chris doing something that he wants to do. If Chris wants [[china]] and can't get it because the object of his affection has a significant other, that significant other is a jerk. Chris wanted to win the [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]], but [[Adam Stackhouse]] got in the way, therefore he is a jerk — allegedly because he broke the rules of the contest and used music, actually because he spoiled Chris's plans for sex with [[Megan Schroeder]]. Whether your intention was to obstruct Chris's efforts or not, you are a jerk for presenting a barrier to his goal.

Even being more talented than Chris, or more socially well-adjusted (no great feat, considering Chris) is enough to make one a jerk in Chris's eyes. Men with girlfriends did not specifically intend to cock-block Chris; they only did what well-adjusted people do and asked out a girl they liked. Adam Stackhouse simply made a good video for a competition he wanted to win and had no intention of thwarting an autistic's plans to seduce his best friend (again, the ''PaRappa'' Showdown). In Chris's [[Ego|self-centered]] way of thinking, though, they were all out to get him.

Chris has stated that all men are jerks [[I am STRAIGHT|"because they are rude, crude, and inconsiderate... causing wars and such."]] However, all world leaders are among the few males he respects. This carries the implication that he considers most normal men, rather than national leaders, as responsible for most wars.

==Use as a prefix/suffix==
Chris derides certain professions by using "jerk" as a prefix (as with [[jerkop]]) or a suffix (as with [[manajerk]]). The addition of the prefix/suffix comes from their actions which, again, prevented Chris from getting what he wanted. Never mind the fact that managers and police officers are simply doing their job when they stop creepy patrons from [[Attraction_sign|soliciting members of the public for sex]]. They have obstructed his quest for [[china]] and so are jerks. Due to repeated encounters with these professions, Chris has taken to describing any member of their ranks as a jerk.

==Varying usage==
Despite the fact that Chris has openly declared that '''all''' men are jerks, in practice he doesn't seem to automatically apply the term to every man he meets. [[Robert Simmons V]] was held in some regard before he turned troll against Chris. [[Joseph Herring]] was considered a high school friend (although Chris drew him as an ugly, zit-scarred freak in his comic). Chris considered [[Joshua Martinez]] a friend (though he still tried to get [[ED]] to ruin him) as long as he thought Josh would help him score some china. John Schroeder, [[Megan]]'s brother, was even the main character in one of Chris's fake [[John's Custom Gundam: Sisterly Rescue|video games]]. Once again, however, that was probably a side-effect of Chris's lust for Megan.

Given that Chris doesn't rigidly adhere to his original definition of the word, we can reach one of two conclusions:

# Chris does not necessarily regard all men as jerks.
# Chris still considers them jerks, but will play along for selfish reasons until they can no longer help him.

Based on what we know, most of us are betting on the latter.

==Connection to behavior==
Wiktionary defines a [[wiktionary:jerk|jerk]] as '''A [[Chris|person]] with [[lies|unlikable]] or [[Honest Content|obnoxious]] qualities and behavior, typically [[Chris and Anger|mean]], [[Chris and his Ego|self-centered]] or disagreeable, and often not very [[Honor roll|intelligent]].'''

In the cases of people Chris has labeled a jerk, this is often very far from the truth. People Chris has labeled in this way have been known for all manner of redeemable qualities such as [[Bagget|heroism]], [[Mary Lee Walsh|having a good sense of responsibility]] to the people under their care, and being [[Adam Stackhouse|uniquely talented]]. Indeed, simply having a girlfriend hardly seems a good reason to be labeled a jerk. Then again, Chris is not well-known for acknowledging the accomplishments of those other than himself.

==Chris as the embodiment of JERK==
Ironically, or perhaps better put, hypocritically, Chris's actions make him more deserving of the term "jerk" than most people he applies it to.

===Unlikable or obnoxious qualities and behavior===
The fact that he receives a [[monthly tugboat]] for nothing while [[Chris_and_money#But_wait.2C_Chris_isn.27t_employed.21|feeling he deserves it]] has been a major sticking point for all CWC-watchers. Having a [[Speech_Impediment|whiny]] voice and [[Chris_and_English|a terrible command of English]] while touting himself as [[Honor roll|talented and well-educated]] are a major cause of further irritation. Also, the fact that he feels deserving of so many things while [[Vivitheg's_AIM_chat|doing so little to achieve them]] make most scream in agony at the levels of obnoxiousness.

===Mean===
Chris repeatedly [[Death threats|makes threats]] and has [[Chris and anger|outbursts of anger]].

===Self-centered===
Any man who makes his own [[CWCville|universe]] where he rules as a god is probably not the most considerate of others.

Also, [[Ryan_Cash|this]], [[PANDAHALO#Death|this]], and [[Chris_and_religion#Chris_the_Shaman|especially this]].

===Disagreeable===
The fact that Chris can't stop hating on [[Homo|homos]], hurls [[Chris and race#Not a racist?|racial slurs]], has a very [[Chris_and_sex|skewed opinion on women]], selectively [[Chris_and_religion|adapts the Bible]] to fit his own beliefs, and just generally shows no common sense regarding any topic makes him highly disagreeable to almost anyone of any opinion. This may also now disqualify Bush from exemption from the rule, as Bush has previously stated his strong support for the abstinence of young women — something against which Chris is very, very firmly set.

===Insensitive or disrespectful===
Hoo-boy, is this a big one. Between his [[Twin Falling Towers|mockery of 9/11]], [[Lars' Ship has Sunk.MOV|disrespect for the victims of the ''Titanic'''s sinking]], [[Niggos|outbursts]] [[War Paint Video|of]] [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|racist behavior]], and other callous acts to meet his own ends, they make Chris a big-time jerk for this reason alone. Also, Chris had a lot of disrespect for Kacey's dad [[Father Call|upon first meeting him]].

===Often not very intelligent===
[[List of Chris's sweethearts|More]] [[Slow-in-the-mind|like]] [[Honor roll|all]] [[Attraction Sign|of]] [[trolls|the]] [[CWC-isms|time.]]

==The list of males Chris doesn't hate==
The most recent version of T.L.O.M.C.D.H. was provided in [[Chris chan (CWCipedia)|Chris's annotations to his ED article]]. There it goes as follows:
# [[Chris]] himself
# [[Bob Chandler|His father]]
# "[[Santa Clause]]" [sic]
# [[Jesus]]
# [[God]]
# [[Barack Obama|The President of the United States]]
# [[Molvanîa|All the World Leaders]]
# ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present.

By thoroughly analyzing this information, we can conclude that:
* ... [[Fail|he still believes in "Santa Clause".]]
* ... he places "Santa Clause" over [[God]] or [[Jesus]], since he put the former before the latter in this list.
* ... he thinks God has a clearly-defined gender and is male.
* ... he thinks God and Jesus are separate beings.
* ... he hates all other male Saints, as well as Apostles, Martyrs, Angels (if he believes they have a gender), priests, monks, etc.
* ... he only likes the current holder of the U.S. Presidential seat, meaning he could hate [[Bush]] now that [[Obama]] is President.
* ... he hates all the other male persons in the U.S. Government, starting with the V.P.
* ... he holds leaders such as [[CWCville|Kim Jong-il and Robert Mugabe]] in higher esteem than the majority of the male population of Earth.
* ... if Chris had lived in the 1930-40s, he wouldn't have hated Hitler, Tojo, Hirohito, or Mussolini, but would have hated the Allied troops who fought them.
* ... he most likely assumes "all the World Leaders" are [[Women's rights|male]].
* ... he doesn't hate some IRL [[trolls]] like [[Mimms]] or [[Joshua Martinez]], as they were his friends/acquaintances in the past.
* ... he still hates most of the male population of Earth, including most honorable and heroic people.

However, in the same [[Chris chan (CWCipedia)|annotations]], Chris confusingly states that his [[noviophobia]] is "Out-Of-Date". He goes on to say that he only hates trolls and "da haytahs" now, but also states that he is cool with the "Hating 99% of the World's Men" theory. In any case, the list is at least applicable to ''some'' point in Chris's biography, even if he [[Lies|"got over it."]]

==Sauces==
<references />

{{Not_Jerks}}
{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]][[Category:Things Chris hates]]

Ivy Q&A

2011-02-16T01:09:02Z

Canelle: /* The end */

The '''[[Ivy]] Q&A''' was posted on 13 [[February 2011]]. It shed further light on the Ivy Saga ([[March 2009|March]] — [[July 2009|July]] [[2009]]).

==General questions==
{{quoteboxred|Assuming that you weren't forced to abort, what was your original plan for ending the [[saga]]? Did you have anything special planned for the breakup?--[[User:MoarLurk|MoarLurk]] 17:18, 3 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Not really. I was just going to ride it out to a certain point. Like any other relationship, I would have broke it off if things got stale.}}

{{quoteboxred|Also how did you get Chris to watch [[Wikipedia:The End of Evangelion|End of Evangelion]] and did he have any prior exposure to [[Wikipedia:Neon Genesis Evangelion|the series]]?--[[User:MoarLurk|MoarLurk]] 19:42, 3 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|I liked Evangelion to an extent but it was my good friend who was the real fan. He wanted Chris to watch it. I basically said "Oh, you should watch this, you'll enjoy it" and that's what kicked it off. Chris said he liked the sex scene between [[Wikipedia:Misato Katsuragi|Misato]] "and that guy" but that [[Wikipedia:Rei Ayanami|Rei]] melting everywhere made him uncomfortable. He was familiar with Evangelion but not really a heavy watcher.}}

{{quoteboxred|How much contact did you have with Chris? Also, were you ever actually planning on meeting Chris like he mentions in [[For_My_Sweetest_Ivy|this video]]?--[[User:Sack Thaddic|Sack Thaddic]] 18:15, 3 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Chris called me a lot- it would have been impossible to keep track of how often. I'd just pick up and talk to him then.}}

{{quoteboxred|How much input did you have into the content Chris produced during the saga? Were the [[Wedding Comic|Wedding]]/[[Giant Penis Comic|Honeymoon Comics]] based on your suggestions, or did Chris come up with it on his own?--[[User:Dethchemist77|Dethchemist77]] 18:27, 3 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Basically I would plant the seed and Chris would sow it. I'd occasionally suggest small details like what someone would wear or which friends I would want included or whatever. For the wedding comic, I just suggested that we have a wedding comic to prove himself to me. I made a few suggestions but he pretty much did it all on his own. 
With the honeymoon comic, I said something like "I want a honeymoon comic" and he did things like have my dad, [[Officer Keino]], make an appearance. Though… I specifically wanted him to make an accurate depiction of [[Duck|his dick]] in the wedding comic because I worried he'd hide the bend. To comply with this request he traced his penis to cut down on effort (and staring).}}

{{quoteboxred|Opinions regarding how Chris became the way he is vary from assigning him [[Chris and psychology|over nine thousand different mental diseases and disorders]], to crediting his 'perfect storm' of behavioral issues to simply shitty parenting of an autistic kid. As one of his more dedicated trolls, what are your thoughts? --[[User:Ronichu|Ronichu]] 13:43, 4 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Like [[Wikipedia:Lady Gaga|Lady Gaga]] would say, I think he was [[Wikipedia:Born This Way|born that way]]. :(}}

{{quoteboxred|Most of the trolling aside from [[BlueSpike]]'s efforts seems designed with the ultimate goal of helping Chris (eg "Get a job" is a requirement of practically all [[sweetheart]]s). Do you believe this has had any effect? Can they? Following on from that, do you support BlueSpike style trolling, aka purposely inflicting as much harm on Chris as possible with no 'goal'? --[[User:Ronichu|Ronichu]] 13:43, 4 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|I really haven't been following trolling in Chris since I've been playing golf in Heaven with [[Wikipedia:Boudica|Boudicca]] and [[Wikipedia:Lilith|Lilith]] so I'm not really sure. But, I really don't think either method is effective. Neither result will help nor harm Chris in the long run.}}

{{quoteboxred|Is it true that one time when Chris called you, one of your parents (or someone pretended to be your parent) picked up the phone and told Chris off for calling all the time and so damn early in the morning? --[[User:Nhocgreen|Nhocgreen]] 20:49, 4 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|No.}}

{{quoteboxred|Was there a point were trolling Chris stopped being fun and became a chore? As in, because he kept calling, you felt you HAD to talk to him and you HAD to keep dealing with him? A follow up question: was it your idea to end it or and outside source? -- [[User:TheMAN|TheMAN]] 03:03, 5 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|For the first question, it never felt like a chore because I'd only pick up when I wanted to and we'd have fun. It stopped being fun towards the end. It got kinda sketchy and I felt uncomfortable. It got too personal. As for the second part, you'll see a thorough answer further down...}}

{{quoteboxred|The say that a madman falling in love with you is a scarier situation than a madman wanting to kill you.{{cite}} Were you frightened or disturbed by any of your contacts with Chris? Or if not, were you merely amused by his bizarre methods of showing affection? --[[User:DJChaos|DJChaos]] 15:22, 5 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|I was often amused by Chris, perplexed, and impressed. But he wasn't really that bad, he would just gross me out.}}

{{quoteboxred|When [[Rocky]] decided to call [[the police]], did you have any conversations with her at all? Obviously the background check on you came up with nothing, but did you have any problems at all with Rocky's meddling? - [[User:Machop|Machop]] 16:57, 5 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|I didn't talk to Rocky. We had constant problems with Rocky as did Bob and Barb. It didn't just affect me and [[Josh]], but Chris's home life. She's a [[troll]] herself. If she was really trying to help Chris, she could help Barb and Bob as well. But she didn't. Her priority has always been to pursue trolls in lieu of helping Chris. She had this motivation from day one. "I'm trolling you back" pretty much sums up Rocky.}}

{{quoteboxred|This one's kinda stupid, but i am a little curious. When Chris made the wedding comic the dress was ripped off from [[Wikipedia:November Rain|November Rain]]. Since Chris only listens to video game music or songs from guitar hero, chances are he never heard of that song or seen that video. Did you ever mention that you liked [[Wikipedia:Guns and Roses|guns and roses]]/November rain, or is that some of his [[random-access humor|random accessness]]? --[[User:CaseHa|CaseHa]] 17:10, 5 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|I mentioned the dress explicitly. I told him I loved the video and I loved the dress. I thought, "If I'm going to get married at the circus, let's go all out".}}

{{quoteboxred|If you had one more time to troll Chris before you died, what else would you have done to the manchild? --[[User:PedoforkBait|PedoforkBait]] 18:06, 5 February 2010 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Nothing, because I am [[Chris and death|dead]].}}

{{quoteboxred|Probably a stupid question but have you ever talked to Barb or Bob on the phone? If so, How did it go? --[[User:Lucida|Lucida]] 7:41, 6 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Yes, keep scrolling!}}

{{quoteboxred|How did you find out about Chris stealing his parent's credit cards for his [[PSN]] account?

--[[User:Lucida|Lucida]] 7:52, 6 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|I confronted him about the bounced check and he admitted to using his parents' cards on PSN. Bob later told me Chris was nicking small change from Barb and that he knew Chris was stealing from them via their credit cards.}}

{{quoteboxred|Kind of piggybacking on another user's question: If you had had the chance to meet Chris in person, how do you think the event would have progressed? Would you have attempted to follow Chris's itinerary to a certain point before suggesting different activities, ride it the whole way through, or completely hijack it? Also, judging how the date with [[Emily]] (and any other female) went, it seems that Chris's ultimate goal in meeting up with a woman is to kiss and/or [[Sex|bed her]]. Would you have been prepared for his advances? Would you have brought along a chaperon/bodyguard, or did you believe that Chris was actually pretty harmless and that you could easily deflect his moves?

-- [[User:Elliecoral|Elliecoral]] 17:08 7 February 2011 (EST) ''[minor edit for grammar]''}}

{{quotebox|If Chris showed up at my house, I'd call my dad and yell "[[RAPE]]!". I wouldn't be worried about actual rape but just because Chris brings trouble. I'm also pretty certain [[Wikipedia:Purell|Purrell]] doesn't clean feces… I don't want him touching me with those hands.}}

{{quoteboxred|Ivy, I am curious. What was your reaction to the creeptacular videos Chris made for you, particularly "[[Message for Ivy]]" and "[[For my Sweetest Ivy]]"? Did you start to second guess your decision to help troll Chris? What was your reaction to "For my Sweetest Ivy" [[The Kevin and Bean Show Segment|getting played on the radio]]? It seems Chris has arguably made some of his creepiest and disturbing videos during your saga, and was totally enamored with you. Was there anything different you were doing in your trolling of Chris over the phone, as he seemed to be obsessed with your more than any other "sweetheart" of any saga before or since. I only ask this since we don't have your phone calls to hear for ourselves, so I'm curious if you did anything unique to get Chris so wrapped up in you? [[User:Nigroid|Nigroid]] 14:26, 7 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Everything Chris does impresses me. Whether it's backstabbing me or wooing me, I have always been impressed. I loved when one of Chris' videos to me was on the radio. Why would I record myself? I'm just having fun with my good buddy Chris.}}

{{quoteboxred|Ivy's Ghost, what was it about what you did that seemed to influence Chris to draw comic and also bring the crazy out of him? Also, you seem to have been the last sweetheart to use a fursona/sonic recolor sidekicks. Would you recommend future sweethearts to do the same? [[User:Barachulove|Barachulove]] 20:23, 7 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Already answered the first part. As for the second part, there's no surefire recipe to get Chris to do what you want him to do. If Chris likes you, he likes you. It's just purely a matter of chance.}}

{{quoteboxred|Ivy, I guess this question has to do with meeting Chris, but how badly did Chris want to meet you in real life? And did Chris have any intentions of getting married with you(because of [[Daughter|his daughter Crystal]]), or possibly getting a place together(If it went that far in Chris's mind)? Or did Chris just want you inside of [[14 Branchland Court|his filthy home]] and having degrading "[[hanky-panky]]" in the garbage heaps of his house(because nothing says romance like rolling around in some garbage with an overweight man-child)? [[Chris_Pickles|Chris_Pickles]] 4:20, 8 February 2011 (EST)}}

{{quotebox|Yes to all the above. I don't know how far the rabbit hole goes, and I didn't want to find out.}}

{{quoteboxred|Any relation to [[Wikipedia:Poison Ivy (comics)|Poison Ivy]]? [[User:TheIronFjord|TheIronFjord]] 10:29, 8 February 2011 (EST)}}

{{quotebox|[[Soul Calibur|SOUL CALIBER]].}}

{{quoteboxred|This is an odd one, but was there, at any time, a moment when you felt a morsel of pity and/or (misguided) affection for Chris, or believed that he could be changed? (Granted, we mostly despise Chris, but there are a few times when some of us feel sorry for him and wish he could improve himself.) Do you believe Chris can redeem himself and become a somewhat functioning member of society, or is he a lost cause? For that matter, did you consider [[white knight]]ing? -- [[User:Elliecoral|Elliecoral]] 18:11, 8 February 2011 (EST)}}

{{quotebox|I felt bad for Chris when Josh was ripping him off until I found out that Chris was ripping Josh off as well. I feel bad for his parents. They did make him, but they also had to endure problems themselves. There's some mental illness in the family, I bet. I don't think Chris can get better because all the influences in his life suck.}}

{{quoteboxred|Your saga produced some of the most bizzare behavior from Chris. While he certainly did some weird stuff before you came along, his videos for you contained some of the most disturbing behavior he has ever shown. Among Chris's sweethearts, what made you so unique that you were able to get such strangeness out of him? Did you approach him differently? [[User:Farm Zombie|Farm Zombie]] 01:08, 9 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Vegas, baby. Vegas.}}

{{quoteboxred|What was the grossest thing Chris ever said to you? I think other people have already asked this but how did you get Chris to start talking to you and did he ever get a "real" picture of you? (as in a picture of a random person from the [[internet]]) Or was Chris just going off of drawn pictures?[[User:Interested bystander|Interested bystander]] 19:01, 9 February 2011 (PST)}}

{{quotebox|Chris was going off the drawing alone. The grossest things he said to me were anything involving his bodily functions, him sleeping in the the products of said bodily functions. Oh and "sammies".}}

{{quoteboxred|Was it hard to play it straight when talking to Chris on the phone? Did you ever break character, or just start cracking up? [[User:darkhorse816|darkhorse816]] 22:21, 9 February 2011 (CST)}}

{{quotebox|If I was bored, I was bored. If I laughed, I laughed. I hid nothing. A lot of it was me saying "yeah, yeah, uh huh". I just had him call me back. Whatever I felt, I made no secret of.}}

==Chris stories==

{{quoteboxred|Outside of what's been documented, are there any funny Chris stories you can share with us? [[User:John Ritter's Nutsack|John Ritter's Nutsack]] 15:57, 5 February 2011 (PST)}}

===Beginnings===
Actually, John Ritter’s Nutsack, I do have a select few!

During the time of CWCiki’s successful contact, I was busy in heaven getting my nails did. I’ve got a super shade color here, Blue Satin #461 by Chanel. I paid 48-H Quarters at the Church of the Miraculous Nordstrom for it…

I remember that there was a time when my entire existence filtered through this color, blue. Battery Blue… paired with [[Yellow is a Mellow Color|Mellow Yellow]]- and so very much brown.

In the beginning, I used to watch the Chris videos with various friends because he reminded me of different peers from high school (my graduating class was upwards of 500 individuals. More peers always ment a higher [[Slow-in-the-minds|challenged]] population roaming the hallways unattended).

I wanted to surprise a good friend by getting a shout out from Chris for us. When [[CWC Update 18 March 2009 More Updated|I finally achieved this]] he said her name [''Rachel''] wrong during the recording. I phoned him back and pointed out the error. Chris promised to get right to amending this mistake. No big deal, right?

Well, this pretty much set the tone for our entire relationship.

Before the Emily date occurred [''19 March 2009''], when I initially phoned Chris, I was subjected to a quiz by his parents. I spoke to [[Bob]] first.

"Hi! I'm such and such, from such and such. Oh, I know Chris from INSERT PLACE HERE.”

Bob responded by urging me to slow down. He said some endearing terms, though I don't remember the specifics. Politely, he informed me that he had to get his wife because “she's in charge of messages for Chris”.

He passed me to [[Barb]]. At first, it seemed like she was content to just chitchat. Out of nowhere, she interjected (while I was telling her about [[Wikipedia:New England|New England]]). “I'm sorry, I have to get my pad o' paper."

I'm pretty sure it was a trusty spiral-bound notebook that she used frequently, because I could hear a lot of paper being flipped about.

We begin again and she listed off the following questions:

"Your name? 
Middle name? 
Last name? 
Dad's name? 
Mom's name? 
What they did for a living? 
Divorced or married? 
First, second, marriage? 
Siblings? 
Any cousins nearby? 
Where you live? 
Any family in [[Charlottesville]]? 
Favorite color? 
What High school did you attended? 
Presently in College? 
Major? 
Was that your first choice? 
Did you have a "secondary major"? 
Any pets? 
Do you still live with your parents? 
Roommates? 
Your roommate's name? 
Roommate’s birth date? 
How tall are you? 
What do you look like?...”

Next, she asked what my culture was. I said Irish. She also asked my eye and hair colors, body type (despite already stating such when asked “how I looked”). Again, she asked for my roommate's birth date (apologies were given for being forgetful, but there was no re-mentioning of her notebook’s presence).

I had called the house phone because when I tried his cell he had a recording stating that if you want to talk to him, to call his house phone (later, he would add to “speak with parents”).

Barb’s impromptu quiz went on for a half hour. Pretty loopy situation but she was nice to me. She kept referring to me as "dear" and what-not. Though, she continued doubled check things and asked me to repeat from five or ten minutes ago up until the very end of the session. At long last, Barb passed Chris the phone.

Chris initially wouldn't talk, at all. He was super quiet, and would penetrate the silence with an occasional “yeah” and “mmyeah”. I'm not sure if his parents were in the room but I aimed to fill in the gaps. I really wanted that shout out.

The time spent talking with Chris was monumentally less than the time with Barb. I spoke to him maybe fifteen minutes tops, and the majority of it was a struggle.

Eventually, he agreed to a shout out. [[Apology to Emily|The video]] was primarily aimed at Emily for missing their date (which I had zero idea about). Once done making excuses for blanking on the stood-up girl, he did the shout out and said the name wrong.

I phoned him back and informed him of the disappointment my friend and I shared. I asked him, point blank, “if you can't remember her name, how could you remember mine?"

Chris profusely apologized… and than went on for twenty minutes about [[Wikipedia:Burnout Paradise|Burnout Paradise]]. Compared to the other call, it was as if I were speaking with a completely other guy.

"Oh yeah! If things don't work out with Emily I would consider you for my new [[heartsweet]]."

Suddenly, I was pretty uncomfortable. I told him such was probably didn’t need to be considered as Emily really seemed to be his type. Despite this, Chris continued on. He said he wanted to move away from sexual stuff because his last girlfriend “really wore him out”. Apparently, his dick would hurt during the act and would stay sore afterwards.

Emily and the [[Pickle Man]] happened. I would later find out that Chris was extremely proud that he did not [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|defecate in his pants]] when he first saw the Pickle Man. Chris’ only thoughts, at the time, were: "Am I pooing myself? I hope I don't poo myself."
===After Emily===
Pickle Man left with Emily, then there were [[Hooker incident|the hookers]] and after [[Clyde]] called him, Chris called me. For the rest of our relationship, Chris would be the primary initiator of our phone calls. Only after the completion of a long-term project, or a fuck up would I phone him.

During this call he wasn't so broken up about Emily as he was pissed about the Pickle Man. He was really pissed about Clyde making his mom upset, too. He said his Dad took care of the hookers, though he was brief on the details.

After Chris launched back into [[video games]] for a bit, he switched topics.

He told me that since Emily hadn’t worked out he’d like for me do him the honor of… I told him we could see how things went between the two of us. I wanted to take it slow because I really didn’t know him that well. Plus, My dad usually likes to check out guys first. Chris assured me that he too liked to take things slow- and that he could be my man.

He asked about my [[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]] character. I completely blanked. I had briefly mentioned the existence of such during our initial call to get onto his good side. I told him my character's name was [[Luckette]]. Chris was disgusted and thought this name sounded “[[Homos|too French]]”. He recommended something more American, like Daisy!

I had to rush to draw my character and I sent him that. I included some fan art along the way, too. The drawing of my Sonichu character got cropped in [[Wikipedia:GIMP|Gimp]] so it dropped the 'e' from the end of “Luckette”. Chris really hated this change. He added that I could improve on my handwriting, too. “You could write hearts over the 'I's".

From the get-go, he would never complement my drawings. He would always find something wrong with them. Like, "This character looks like she has three legs and [[Women's rights|very bruised eyes]]”.

He asked me about the drawing of myself. He wanted to know if “the drawing was true to real life”. I didn’t know what to say, so he added: "Is it accurate?". I agreed. He did a nervous laugh and said: "Woahhhh, I could get use to that”!

We then had a really deep discussion about what my character was. Instead of a sheep, Chris said she could be [[Layla Flaaffy|a Flaffy]]. I mentioned [[Wikipedia:List_of_Pokémon_(152–201)#Mareep|Mareeps]]and was quickly shut down. Chris than went on about [[Reginald Sneasel|a Sneasel named Reginald]]…

Chris returned to the subject of names. He insisted that he didn't approve of the French name, or the cropped out “e”. I gave in. I told him I was going to change it to a few other things but he wasn’t pleased with any of these suggestions, either. Finally, I came up with Layla next. I chose Layla because it sounded like a hooker's name- not because of [[Wikipedia:Eric Clapton|Clapton]] (though I do like [[Wikipedia:Layla (song)|that song]]!). I thought Chris would moan but he was thrilled. She sounded beautiful!

"I bet my Reginald would find your Layla VERY sexy! I think Reginald would like to take Layla on a date. I think Reginald would like to Layla to [[McDonald's]]…”

Chris suddenly told me that he wanted the two to get busy in the [[McDonald's]] bathroom. “I bet that before the second part of their date, they could take a potty break and Reginald would leave the door open to be a flirt and they could exchange some kisses," Chris told me. Chris also made mention of them washing their hands together.

Just like Chris wasn’t won over by my names, I wasn’t exactly buying the idea of Layla hooking up with this Reginald. I told Chris that Layla would find [[Punchy]] more her type. She's into the Asian persuasion, y’know. Chris was caught off guard.

He could have sworn I knew that Punchy and [[Angelica]] was an item. I replied that not everyone ends up with their sweetheart. Chris didn't end up with YOUR high school sweetheart, did he? Nope. Well, nor did I- as I was presently single, after all. “that makes the two of us," Chris giggled. I said the two people could fall in love at any point in their life. He got excited and declared that meant Angelica could help Reginald feel better about himself.

Chris said "I love you”. Now, and whenever else he’d say this I would never say it back, I would say "I'm sure you do" or do something like [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXo3NFqkaRM this].

That call was the 19th of [[March 2009|March]]. That same day, he released [[CWC Update 18 March 2009 More Updated#Director's cut|the edit of the shout out video]].

The next time he called me, it was the first time I brought up the '[[Holding Out For a Hero]]' video. He said he'd consider it as. Despite just meeting me, I told him I already “felt a connection with him. I feel like you're my hero. I have this vision of you rescuing me from my school on a horse. I want you to make a video just like that." At this point he was all in.

He asked me if I would ever sing for him in return. He said how he sung with his mom and compared himself to Bing Crosby. He wanted me to sing him an “old song” "I want you to sing me an old song”. I found a video my friend had send me earlier [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7l2HNbGiLM this video] and sing-talked. He wanted me to record this but I told him I didn't have any equipment of that nature. Instead, I taught him the song and he followed along and sang over me. He didn't know the lyrics.

I informed Chris that I would really like it if he sang MY favorite song, too. He threw in some ideas, saying he wanted to make a comic for it. This was great! Although, I was hoping he'd animate it, I was still really impressed that he just had these ideas to begin with.

Sadly, we got into a little tiff because I wanted the [[Wikipedia:Bonnie Tyler|Bonnie Tyler]] version of “[[Wikipedia:Holding out for a Hero|Holding Out for a Hero]]” because he already had the [[Wikipedia:Frou Frou (band)|Frou frou]] version from [[Wikipedia:List of songs featured in Shrek#Track_listing_3|the Shrek 2 soundtrack]]. He wanted to use that one instead of “spending more [[My Coke Rewards|coke reward]] points on the same song”. I didn't like that version. The Bonnie Tyler version reminded me of my Dad. He backed off and agreed to look it up on youtube.

When we caught up again he was really annoyed. He couldn’t identify Bonnie’s gender and preferred the Frou Frou version as “we could slow dance to it”.

I told him again that I preferred Bonnie because of my Dad. Chris sighed and complied, saying he’d allow this sort of thing just this one time. I squealed! “Eeeeeeeeeeeee” just like [[Bionic]] in that one comic with hearts in my eyes and such. I asked if he could have it done the next day or so…

It took him about six days to deliver [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero|the video]]. He called before I watched and said he did it all with his [[PSEye|PSeye]]. He wanted to know when I was going to get MY PSeye? (I had revealed that I had a [[PS3|ps3]] previously in passing) and he released the video.

The video opened with him looking enthused and diddling about on his plastic [[guitar]]. I recall thinking he looked a bit like the [[wikipedia:Mark David Chapman|guy that had did in John Lenon]] during those first few frames. Soon, however, it got really good. I never asked why he put the cards in the video, though.

My favorite part was when he started really rocking out and did the guitar solo over his head. Pure delight.

A few days down the line, I asked for a [[Tour of Chris's House|tour of his house]]. When I visited Chris, I wanted to feel like I was already at home. I wanted my first time walking in his house to be like “yeah, I belong here', and I desired to know where everything is. He preferred to just show me [[Chris's room|his bedroom]]. But… how did he get to his bedroom? He offered the garden but no dice. He chuckled and agreed.
===Threats===
Couple days later, I got a phone call pretty early in the morning from Chris. He was freaked out! The previous night a guy claiming to be Clyde (sounded nothing like him based on Chris' impression) left a voice mail saying that he wanted to KILL Chris! After calming him down, I told Chris that I highly doubted that the caller was anywhere near Chris. He was going to be okay. Chris told me that he ”was upset and... things had happened." During this call I would learn all about Chris’ bathroom troubles. He told me had gotten scared and shat himself.

In addition, his mom basically had a vendetta about doing his laundry these days, too, because of this habit of [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shitting himself]] when he was stressed or emotional. Whenever Chris would annihilate his pants to some degree he'd simply dump (teehee) his soiled garments in the laundry without taking care of them first. Each time Barb would do laundry, without fail, there’d be a very special surprise waiting for her. This sort of thing had happened since Chris was a kid but it got worse after school completed. His doctor suggested that Chris could change [[McDonald's|his diet]] or try [[Sonichu's Edge|exercising]] to help things. Chris told the doctor he wanted a pill. Since the issue wasn’t anything clinical, the Doctor told Chris that he could wear protective garments, especially since Chris couldn't feel the mess unless he moved around- long after the deed had been completed. "But that's for babies!" Chris clarified by screaming at me. The doctor corrected that they were liners; he never called them diapers. Neither did Chris- he called them “[[butt garments]]”.

Barb really wanted Chris to at least try the liners but he was determined. So, Barb stated that she would no longer do his laundry. Though, after that Liquid Clyde call, Barb offered to wash his sheets- the next day. He said he when he had woken up in the middle of the night it had been "a big one”. But, instead of racing off to tell his Mom, Chris climbed out of bed and decided to hide from Clyde by putting one big stuffed animal in the middle of the bed with a pair of [[Carlos Chantor|sunglasses]] across it’s face.

Chris hid on the couch and covered himself in stuffed animals. He didn't want to sleep in his bed because of the mess he made, and because “that would be where Clyde would look for him”. If Clyde had infact broken into Chris bedroom that night it was easy to see how Chris potentially would have worked- although not in the way he intended.

After falling back asleep Chris had [[RomanticLabyrinth|a "sticky dream."]] He said that it had about him and me in a pool, and that as he had been my hero, I could be his heroine too- his “[[God]]’s angel mermaid”. He stated that when he woke up there was yet another mess but "not a bad mess”. “Oh, you had a wet dream?"

Chris giggled and said: "No, that's when you pee yourself, silly!"

He added that it was the first pleasant dream he had had in some time… and repeatedly kept corrected me about "sticky dreams”. 
After this dream, Chris returned to obsessing over Clyde. I asked Chris what he was going to do about Clyde and was informed that he intended to phone the [[police]] - eventually. I pointed out that Clyde was out of the local police's jurisdiction (federal wasn’t mentioned) as Clyde resided now in [[PandaHalo|Australia]], after all. Chris didn’t understand what jurisdiction meant, but recognized Australia was too far for [[Virginia]]’s boys in blue to visit by car.

I told Chris that he was being too passive. He needed to take charge and be a man. His first confrontation video ended up being kind of lackluster. Others followed and slowly Chris progressed up the ladder… only to get distracted once again.

[[Chris Sings Fart Song for Flora|The next video]] was one explaining bodily functions to my cousin, Flora (as Chris was an unrivaled expert on this topic). At first he was kind of uncomfortable making it, but I persuaded him that farts were completely natural (like his other ailments) and that he had nothing to worry about. Chris predictably warmed up to the topic and surprised us all by singing for the finale an acoustic ditty of his own.
===Rocky appears===
He produced a steady stream of videos until Rocky made the scene. She appeared March 30th. After she showed up, he decided he didn't want anything to do with youtube. This was a major problem though. [[Youtube]] was the only way I could see by boyfriend’s God-given face. He eventually gave in and returned to youtube upon agreement that videos uploaded needn’t stay public. Once viewed and saved onto my ipod, they would each be deleted from his page.

I started to encourage him to stand up for himself, overall, and get that darn [[ED]] page taken down. Clyde and ED were all one and the same. Around this time, Chris and Rocky discovered [[legi0n]]. Chris was overwhelmed by the colors and sensations of the forum, but before he closed the window, he saw a photoshop of him “as an angel protecting [[cwcville]]”. He loved that picture so much.
===Vanessa Hudgens===
Around the same point [[Vanessa Hudgens]] appeared. She got Chris really excited because she promised him fame and glory in movies. I had a bad feeling about her though. All of Vanessa’s video requests seemed to require Chris’ [[nudes|nudity]]. I wondered if she was trying to make Chris into a porn actor rather than the next Disney sweetheart? I didn't ask too many questions though, because I had to agree that Chris was a born star.

Chris didn't trust [[Joshua Martinez]], whom had introduced the two. Every time he talked to Vanessa, he had to go through Josh. Chris thought that Josh was hogging her. At the same time, however, Chris was content to play by Josh’s rules.

I gave Chris the idea for his next domain name, [[cwcville.com]]. He was fairly hung up on purchasing sonichuandrosechuforever.com (or an alternative name of the same nature if his first choice was revealed to be already occupied). However, he was quickly swayed by cwcville.com as it was still proclaimed one of his many creations. We had the hopes that he'd make the new site into a big portal that would feature BRAND NEW, NEVER RELEASED, and ORIGINAL material. He registered the domain via godaddy instead of geocities. He selected "godaddy" as it made him think that it was a family friendly domain registrar or something (thus more trustworthy and accepting of his content).
===Layla and Punchy===
After cwcville.com was established, Chris started on [[episode 19]]. While working on pages he made some fanart of [[Layla]] and [[Punchy]] swapping underwear. I had suggested Chris draw Punchy in women’s underwear sometime (to symbolically display an acceptance of Chris’ interests). When I saw the finished product, I noticed he had shoehorned Layla in there as well. “They both have to do it,” he insisted, “together forever”. Before coloring the final piece he decided to sketch out a one-off of Layla blowing Punch while in wearing boxers.

His plan for episode 19 involved their date at [[McDonalds]]. Chris kept talking about how they'd have sex in the bathroom. He also made a ham-fisted analogy between Punchy/Layla and him/myself. He said that our first date would be at McDonalds, too, and his desire to fuck me in the lavatory. Chris claimed that he normally didn’t approve of sex before marriage, but he was a modern man now who changed with the times. I asked him if Punchy would have the condom, but Chris was adamant that Punchy didn’t have pockets and was insulted when I referenced cartoon loopholes. He tried to suggest that Layla had the condom, but I wouldn't let him as Layla is not that kind of girl. Chris eventually decided that Layla could choose when and when not to birth.

After that pressing matter got resolved, he declared that they were "going to have some fun". Chris also wanted to include [[Wikipedia:Vaginal flatulence|queefing]]. There was [[Wikipedia:Eat, Pray, Queef|an episode]] of [[South Park]] that aired right before this, so it's obvious that's where he got the queefing idea. Though, he never did bring the show up (at least, in reference to queefing). Instead, he acted like he was suddenly concerned about [[Women's rights|women's problems]]. I thought this was weird, but backed up his argument by referencing his incontinence problems. He said that because I accepted his perpetual mud butt, it should be OK for him to be supportive of queefers and include it within the upcoming comic.

I thought that was a great idea! And since I knew about the episode of South Park, I suggested he get glitter and put it in the comic, too. He ended up getting stickers instead. And sadly, in the final cut, he ended up coloring over the queef entirely. I was very disappointed.

While Layla and Punchy were on their date, Layla got a [[Wikipedia:Greek salad|greek salad]] with [[Wikipedia:Ranch dressing|ranch dressing]], [[pickles]] on the side, and a diet [[coke]]. She was watching her figure, after all, implored Chris. Punchy offered her some free fries as they sat across from one another at the day-glo dinner table. Hailing back to her [[Wikipedia:Petting zoo|petting zoo]] roots, Layla ate them from his hand, careful not to nip any wayward digits.

This instance, along with the fact that Punchy had tolerated her gassy [[vagina]], really wowed Layla. She was so impressed that when they went for their "potty break", she ended up fucking the echidna-hitmon-chu.

Chris went into detail about how this unfurled: He said that Punchy had gone to the men’s room and had left the door ajar while he used the facilities. After simultaneously “relieving himself and flirting with Layla” he decided to visit her in the women’s bathroom. They selected the [[Slow-in-the-minds|handicapped]] stall in which to have sex because of the extra elbowroom. After their bathroom escapades, they head to Layla's house to eat again (possibly dessert? Chris intended no innuendos).

Meanwhile, [[Reginald Sneasel|Reginald]] is a jealous little spunk. Originally, Chris had really dramatic ideas planned for Reginald. The blue Sneazelchu was going to slash Punchy's tires. He also was supposed to walk in on Punchy and Layla having sex in the McDonald’s bathroom.

I'm fairly certain that all of this hilarious material was axed from the comic because Chris had been showing [[Rocky]] [[Chris and art|his crafts]] and basically censored himself in the process. To me, however, he simply said he wanted to keep things "TV-Y7".
===''Hey Arnold!''===
While Chris was working on all this, he had a new [[dream]]. After a few rage videos against [[Clyde]], the unpleasant [[troll]] dreams had ceased. His latest bizarre dream involved the show “[[Wikipedia:Hey Arnold!|Hey Arnold]]”. He asked me if I remembered Hey Arnold and when I answered yes, he shrieked: "THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S A FOOTBALL HEAD!” After I picked the phone back up off the floor he apologized and assured me that had been his "[[Wikipedia:Helga Pataki|Helga Pataki]] coming out".

Next, he performed several impressions of the Hey Arnold characters that all sounded eerily similar to one another... In particular, he was especially proud of his [[Wikipedia:List_of_Hey_Arnold!_characters#Arnold.27s_classmates_and_their_families|Phoebe]] because she sounded like [[Angelica Rosechu]]. Phoebe wanted to stick around for quite awhile but eventually Chris let me in on his dream.

It started off with him skiing on a mountain with Arnold. They went off a steep jump and flew/floated through space. When they returned to Earth, they landed in the ocean atop a pair of identical surfboards. Chris high fives Arnold and sees everyone on the beach cheering for them.
===Crabs===
He then began rambling on about his many [[cats]] and [[Patti]] (in Heaven, she prefers to hang around with former First Kitty, [[Wikipedia:Socks (cat)|Sox]] [''sic'']). He asked me if I had pets and I told him that I had two [[Wikipedia:Hermit crab|hermit crabs]], [[Crass and Champ]]. I told Chris that they were married and he suddenly became very interested in the vivacious pair. Always open-minded, he didn't even ask their genders. I don’t think Chris ever did find out that they were [[Homos|both males]]…

It was after I mentioned Crass and Champ that he started talking about visiting the crustaceans and I in real life. He asked me what I would think if I woke up one day and rolled over to find him lying next to me, formerly spooning? Chris would be smiling fondly at me, and would I return this? Or perhaps begin squealing with delight? I asked how he'd manage to get into my dorm room in the first place. He said he'd arrange something with my roommate as she “was clearly supportive of our union”. Despite being fairly certain my roommate wasn’t a shipper fangirl, I made sure to point out to Chris that he most likely wouldn't even have been able to get into the building.
===Easter===
He changed game plan. He said he'd just show up at my [[Wikipedia:Starbucks|Starbucks]] job. He would be excited to see "his sweetie serving treaties". He was also really stoked about getting free drinks while there, and wanted to know if he could get [[Obesity|free food]], too. I had an inkling that McDonalds would be but a distant memory after he had the ability to save those burger dollars and fill up on toffee bars.

He than announced that he intended to stroll up to the counter and order.

“I’ll have a caramel [[Wikipedia:Caffè macchiato|macchiato]], caramel on the side. I’ll have it on my lover, later on.”
Chris decided to upload [[For My Sweetest Ivy|a video greeting the crabs and I]]. This was the “notoriously creepy” video that ended up [[Toucher and Rich Segment|on the radio stations]]. I will always hold dear how much he loved my crabs… and how eager he was to take them for “walkies”.

The next video I requested was for him to get all dolled up for a date with me. I wanted him to mime what our magical first date would be like. Somewhere along the way McDonalds was forgotten. Had Chris and I grown too close for him to uphold this sacred courtship step? I’m thinking the comic took care of such necessary details (and saved him a few bucks in the process). So, instead of elaborating about me rolling over for fries he decided to bring a special guest on the show: [[The Return of Kimmi|a sex doll with my drawn face on it]].

After seeing those videos, I asked Chris how [[church]] went. We ended up getting onto the topic of [[Wikipedia:Easter|Easter]]. Chris started rambling about Easter hunts and how he was upset that he no longer received presents or [[Obesity|chocolate]] anymore. With a stiff upper lip, he accepted that he didn’t get these things, however, because he is “now man, not a little boy”.

I asked him to relive his favorite childhood Easter memories in a video. I also requested he wear his "Easter best". His interpretation of this request was [[Bunny Hop|the bunny hop video]]. Crayola red graced his nose but, sadly, he decided to use permanent markers for his bunny whiskers. He whined about how hard it was to get off and how he was “stuck blushing”.

At this time, Chris [[Biological clock|loved having a schedule and regular work]]. I gave him an assignment of three comic pages a day. On the weekend he was to color the completed pages. After the bunny hop video, he had to be persuaded to upload the pages on time because he was tired from scrubbing the permanent marker off of his face.
===Cheating===
A couple days later I discovered, through the grapevine, that Chris had been cheating on me with [[Vanessa]]. I insisted that I wasn't angry with Vanessa but I was angry with him, although Chris kept pleading with me not to blame Vanessa. I decided to punish him by requesting a video of him spanking himself. Although my intention wasn't that he be naked, Chris decided to kill two birds with one stone and film the spanking video immediately after the shower video he made for Vanessa. I had repeatedly asked for Chris to upload the video, per usual, to [[youtube]] and he point-blank refused. After viewing the video, needless to say I knew why.

Some troll sent Chris a package of “[[butt garments]]” in the mail. Barb thought that they were samples from their doctor, so she kept them, just in case. Chris was angry that she was keeping the diapers and tried to steal them from her multiple times, but he failed. Barb squirreled them away in her room.

My roommate was also really offended that Chris cheated on me and insisted that a mere spanking wasn't an acceptable punishment. She suggested he wear the diapers and label his [[Duck|crotch]] as "unfit for collection". During the photo shoot Chris decided to lick his [[medallion]] and throw a wink our way, as he wanted to “still look good for me”.

Afterwards, he had to sneak the remaining diapers back into his mother's room. Given this atonement, Chris’ mood returned to normal. He began discussing his plans for meeting up with me again and blamed [[Virgin with rage|his unfulfilled libido]] on his temptation to cheat. He had never mentioned this resurgence of “needs”. Just like with the Easter discussion, and many discussions before, Chris reminded me that he was “a man”. He made to sure to add that [[Julie]] had been “forever ago by now”, too. 
Chris blamed me for why he cheated on Vanessa, and stressed it wasn't Vanessa's fault. He said he felt neglected because his needs weren't being met.

"You said Julie wore you out," I told him.

"But that was forever ago!!" Chris protested.

I asked him why he was telling me all this now but had never gave me a prior explanation. I followed this up by asking what kinds of needs he had. The response wasn’t entirely pleasant. Some of the conversations were as such:
===Love and marriage===
He fantasized about us being married together. I told him I was going to for my PhD in Art History and wanted to take my time [when it came to marriage]. He said he'd do [[art]] as well when we were married, but as a “writer/artist”. I’d come home from a long day of work… then Chris have to go to work. [[Women's rights|I’d cook.]] Chris wanted know if I would mind if, he was really [[stress]]ed out, if he could go to the strip club on the way home? I was taken aback. He was supposed to be telling me about how he had needs. Were these it? He continued by elaborating that if he was especially stressed, this would allow me to continue cooking without his stress interrupting the process.

So, I asked him what we’d do if I had sexual needs?

“I’m sorry, what?” was the reply.

I re-iterated that women have sexual needs, too. He understood. I continued: “therefore, if I'm stressed out, do I get to go to the strip club?"

Chris was very confused. He told me that there were women already there. I offered a male strip club. Chris told me he didn’t think we had those in [[Virginia]]. I asked Chris what if we had a threesome and he said he'd be okay with such. I added that wanted a second man to join us. I received another “what” before he proclaimed that he no longer wished to discuss such topics.

Chris next asked me about my art phd. I told him about how I wanted to be a museum curator. I asked about [[CADD|his college degree]] and he said he would use it to draw [[Sonichu (comic)|his comic]]. I didn’t understand how this work, given the nature of his degree. I concluded that this would mean I was the breadwinner. Chris chimed in that "yeah, we're modern like that”.

I asked what would happen when we procreated. He said that when had [[Daughter|Crystal]], I’d have to take a time out from working. Without hesitation, I asked what if I didn't like the name Crystal? After some disgruntled sighs, I started on about how Crystal was a stripper name. He got upset. Chris always knew his Daughter was supposed to be named Crystal- [[God]] told him so! I asked him what if God told me that MY daughter's name wasn’t crystal, and he got mad. I flat out told him that if I'm the bread winner and was going to carry the kid and go through labor that I should at least have say in the naming process. Besides, he’d have his stripper friends named Crystal, having a baby named such too would be overkill. He kinda broke down about it and he said we’d discuss such things when the time actually came.

Chris was, once again, suddenly turned on. We got back on the subject of what we would do if we met and how I'd be coming down to [[Ruckersville]] when I graduated. He was getting fairly frisky and wanted to get all intimate. Chris wanted to know how I’d go down on him. He told me that if he ate something before the deed how I too would taste it. I remember asking him about [[Country Cookin]]’ around this point to move the topic along. Since he goes there a lot, after all. Chris said eats spinach and dessert first, then eat chicken. From Chicken we returned to… I indulged him. I asked him what would he eat beforehand? He said he'd eat these things immediately, and they’d be strawberries.

I asked him if it’d taste like "strawberry milk”? "No, just strawberries". The subject of [[recycling]] his [[semen]] was visisted. I asked him to enjoy some strawberries on video and then try to see if his afterbirth tasted like strawberries, too. He said he didn't have strawberries in his house because they’d just spoil in the Chandler’s fridge. I asked him if he had chocolate and he said "yeah, some chocolate syrup for chocolate milk!”. So, I told him to try that instead. Though, he said he'd “do it all together on camera”...

I'd try to keep the calls short because otherwise he'd talk for two hours. 15 minutes was always the ideal length for me. I called him back when he said the video would be done. Chris said he didn't have any chocolate syrup so he opted instead for orange [[Fanta]]. Chris downed it.

On [[April 2009|the 16th]], after Chris had shown me the video privately, Clyde hacked Chris's website and leaked [[April 16 Fetish Vids|multiple videos]]. The spanking video, and Chris dancing about in the shower with an imaginary me. When I saw that video I asked him about it. He said it was for Vanessa. Chris was ready to take on [[nude]] roles. As mentioned, I asked for the spanking video but I didn't ask for it to be in nude. Now I knew why it had been. I purposely did not want any nudes of Chris.

Chris thought Clyde "interrupted the stream" as opposed to hacking his website with his password or something like that. So, he never changed a thing with godaddy.

The next day, Chris spoke with Vanessa again and reported to me about how he was behaving even though she was up on her ways. He never thought twice about telling me about how much Vanessa wanted him. I cried about how I felt he was still cheating on me and he made [[I am devoted to My Sweetest Ivy|the video kissing the blow up doll]]. Unsatisfied, I wanted a video where he swore on the bible that he wouldn't cheat on me again but instead [[Matthew 5:27, CWC Confessions|he simply quoted verses]]. Though I appreciated the effort, it still wasn’t enough. I asked him if he remembered all the old videos he rid of? Like [[CWC is Angry|that one video]] where shot [[Adam Stackhouse]]? He did. I asked if he would upload it since it made him look like a badass and might scare off Clyde. He said it’d be like he was defending me! Indeed, two birds – one stone.

I later re-discovered how much I had enjoyed [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys|Christian and the Hedgehog boys]] when it first hit the e-waves. I asked Chris to make an album [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!|another album]]. Chris wanted to include his girlfriend- and the crabs. I gave him song ideas and he went to town with them. Some of them were long, though, and he kinda got bored. That’s why the songs in toward the end were not as creative as the first few. Like "[[Paradise By The Seashore Light (Crass and Champ's Thang Undersea)|Paradise by the Seashore Light]]”.

When the album was released and I shared it with all my friends. Just like everything else, Clyde got ahold of it. I remember asking why Layla was included on the cover. Chris said she wanted to join and was the stage manager. She was peaking out from behind the curtains- not being a dismembered floating head.
===Stalking===
Even after all the tears, Chris began letting slip about his planned meetings with Vanessa around town. They decided to meetup at long last. Josh got Chris to go to the [[Wikipedia:James Madison University|JMU]] campus with a [[sign]] and every time Chris would think he saw her, she would disappear. Chris stressed how didn't want to use that sign so he decided on wearing a hat, too. I thought Vanessa and I could be friends but josh had other intentions. He wanted to exploit Chris for [[money]] and would do this by going through Vanessa.

Josh claimed to have very strong ties to the [[Wikipedia:Federal Bureau of Investigation|FBI]] and threatened to hack into Chris’ [[ps3]]. Josh wanted to monitor Chris 24/7 as punishment for not meeting up with Vanessa not giving her the "presents” she had requested. I was upset to learn about the times Chris had gone out with Joshua to [[Wikipedia:T.G.I. Friday's|TGI Fridays]]. During one date, Chris didn't have enough money for food because he spent his week’s allowance on the previous time they went out. Josh just ordered a meal for himself and ate it in front of him while Chris watched. Chris just got a slushie drink and asked for refills. The waitress did not like this. 
Later on, Chris discovered that he was being mocked by Clyde again. I suggested Chris perform a string of videos to prove to Clyde, once and for all, that Chris meant business. This included baring his [[fangs]] at the camera and giving the PSeye a good smack ‘round. Sadly, nothing worked with Clyde…

At TGI Fridays, Josh got Chris to pay for his meals. He kept telling Chris that they would go meet Vanessa. Every time Vanessa failed to show and Josh would enjoy the meal on Chris' dime, obviously.

Once, the proposed meeting place was at JMU. Chris went there with a sign looking for Vanessa, but only found campus police. While there, Chris donned a hat and tried to keep a low profile.

I discovered that Chris was driving all over the place looking for Vanessa, and at JMU in particular, I began to doubt Chris' loyalty. Chris recommended a simple video reiterating his promises to me, but I insisted that, this time, such was not good enough. I suggested a full-blown marriage ‘what if?’ comic/video and he proposed. My Daddy, whom always reminded me of Coach McGuirk, made his first appearance in the comic.

Chris really loved the Coach McGuirk idea. He spoke with my father on the phone and wowed him with stories about him being in the cub scouts. Daddy, meanwhile, quizzed Chris. What was his home life like? What was his game plan for the future? Chris, proudly, informed Daddy that his job was “writing Sonichu updates”. Daddy asked: “what the fag is that, son?”. Chris changed the topic…
===Comics===
All of my friends made an appearance in the [[wedding comic]]. I also suggested the [[Wikipedia:November Rain|November Rain]] wedding dress as, since I was already at the big top, I might as well dress for the occasion, too. Chris decided that he would have to wear his clown shirt in the comic- not because of the ceremony’s theme, but because no one would recognize him if he was wearing a normal suit alone. No, the medallion was not enough.

It was in this comic that he finally put to use stickers originally intended for Layla's feminist queef. They were made the petals for flower girl, [[Ching Chong]], to scatter. [[Wikipedia:Celine Dion|Celion Dion]] was chosen as the background music because… well, [[Wikipedia: Meat Loaf|Meatloaf]] had a hangover and I don’t think Chris would have been comfortable with [[Homos|Elton John]], even if the man had previously played at Crass and Champ’s ceremony (therefore insuring us a recommendation discount!).

Clyde showed up again, dropping more Vanessa info and videos. It was after that that Chris attempted to meet up with Vanessa once more. A wild goose chase ensued. Every time Chris showed up at a prospective meeting place, he received a call stating that Miss. Vanessa was at another joint. On that one night, Chris drove around the Charlottesville area, looking for Vanessa from 6 pm to 2 am.

The following day was a particularly dense call time for Chris and I. All in all, I received more than 30 calls in a single 24 hour period from Chris (I had decided to ignore him for that one day). When I finally did pick up, Chris wasn’t happy but nor was I. He had worried me by not phoning the day of the Vanessa excursion. So, to make up for it, Chris drew us the honeymoon comic.

I asked why he had included six [[Wikipedia:Glade (brand)|glade]] plug-ins with our suite. Chris claimed that a single one wasn’t strong enough for [[Chris's room|his small bedroom]] so a suite would require much, much more. Things were about to get dirt-ay, after all! Plus, there was that whole thing with Chris defecating whenever he experienced a sincere, triggering, emotion…

While drawing [[Giant Penis Comic|the honeymoon comic]], Chris wanted to draw [[Duck|his penis]] life sized. I called him to find out what was holding things up and Chris revealed that he had taken a break to cuddle with [[Barbara|Mommy]]. After considering the situation, Chris decided to hand off the phone to Barb. Barb was, surprisingly, very friendly. She had been such during my initial quizzing, but now her guard was completely brought down. Chris was, however, impatient because Barb had interrupted him while he was drawing [[Duck|his dick]]. His dick was bent in [[Sonichu (comic)|the comic]] because I didn't want him whitewashing history and pretending his dick had no curve to it. As previously implied, the theme of our relationship had always been one of acceptance (and feces).

Chris claimed the speed lines across our bodies were due to the “camera zooming in on the goodies”. After [[Barb]] finally left the room, Chris settled on just tracing his dick. The tracing was his idea to simplify the process of drawing his dick accurately (and so he wouldn’t have to look at it for too long). He attempted to trace his “small sack” with it’s “lots of [[Comeuppance|cum]]” but eventually gave up and winged it.

Chris asked if my comic self had any powers so I made up a sort of fursona analogue to [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]]. One surprise in the comic was the re-appearance of my father, giving permission for Chris to deflower me. I appreciated Chris asking Daddy… before asking me. Chris gave his "scout's honor" to take care of me.

After that dastardly Clyde intercepted the honeymoon comic it went public. In addition, all these debauched accounts of sex and freewheeling fecal matter reached poor, innocent [[Ching Chong]]'s ears. She had become confused and terrified of my poor, insane, boyfriend. I suggested that Chris make a video explaining his behavior and why it’s natural. Honestly, I primarily requested an explanation of the leaked spanking video, but Chris offered a bonus discussion about his poopoo problemos and [[navy]] consumption. This video, in particular, became very notorious across the [[internet]] (and airewaves) on such sites as hiphop superstars and more.

To cover his ass to Rocky, he made a follow-up video disavowing responsibility, and blaming me for mention (and revelation) of his worse moments to the world.

During all of these events, Chris began to have [[Biological clock|sleeping problems]]. He complained that [[ShutUpBrain and WakeUpBrain|he couldn’t turn off his brain when falling asleep, and that he couldn’t wake his brain when getting up in the morning.]]

I decided to stick to Chris’ canon of me. I suggested he share these problems with the world! Since he was slipping on his comic schedule, anyways, I added he make more videos and other content to put out. [[Quizzes]], quizzes, and more quizzes was Chris’ response. Although, during this time he made a [[wikipedia]] page, too.

At one point, Chris told me that he detested the word "sammies" (diminutive for [[Wikipedia:Sandwich|sandwich]]). He hated the word because when he took up fucking his bed pillow, he always folds it around his [[Duck|dick]] like a sandwich. The word "sammy" reminded him of this practice and it embarrassed him. [[Comeuppance|Mayo]] was not mentioned at any point…

Discussion of the [[Autism papers]] was brought up during our relationship, too. It is no secret that Chris likes to use his handicap as a crutch. I would often tell Chris that he wasn’t handicapped. but instead that he was handicapable. He had [[Son-Chu|a car]], right? And [[Charlottesville]] was his playpen to embrace and explore forever more. However, Chris insisted that his Autism was a burden. I requested to learn more about his diagnosis. If we were to have children, would our offspring be at risk for the disease? Chris did not like this term. Though, he was willing to look into the matter— of the sake of little Roberta Latrine (formerly Crystal Weston). It was quickly discovered that the papers were locked up in a hutch with the key’s constantly on Bob’s person. The subject was not touched upon again.

Eventually, he had one more chat with [[Officer Keino]]. It was revealed during this time that Chris had gone to the police because of Josh - and with Rocky. As previously stated, Chris kept mentioning going to the police, but I didn't think he’d actually do so as that would entail explaining things to his parents. Also, Bob and Barb have always been extremely afraid of the authorities. For years, Bob has burnt all troll mail they receive in a barrel in the backyard (troll gifts, however, were consumed by the family or put to use).
===The end===
Bob hid the vast majority of [[troll]] material from Barb.

The breaking point for Bob and Barb had been Josh. He had sold Chris a [[PSP]] with a non-existent feature for a higher price than a normal PSP. Chris made no secret of intention of giving his old PSP to Vanessa.

While [[Josh]] was scamming Chris, Chris scammed Josh back by giving him [[Wikipedia:Non-sufficient funds|a bad check]]. Bob and Barb end up agreeing to go to the police with Rocky to catch Josh and ONLY Josh. They agree ONLY to discuss matters regarding Josh as they were handling "Clyde and the trolls on their own terms".

Taking advantage of the situation, Rocky blindsided Bob and Barb at the station by monopolizing and domineering [[Jerkops|the police]]’s help. She pushed for the authorities to investigate all the trolls- and Ivy, as well. Despite his parents protests, Rocky went against their wishes and ignored their harbored anxiety.

Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. While Bob/Barb and Josh continued their feud over a [[PSP]], I broke up with Chris over his betrayal. Chris, however, didn’t stop calling. After two days, Daddy and I had to have Bob tell Chris to leave our family alone.

During this call, Bob told me that he and Barb were planning on going up with Chris to visit me at Boston University! Initially, Chris intended to visit alone but was concerned about visiting as my University's website featured [[niggos|an ethnically diverse student body]]. Bob and Barb decided to join and had begun saving up for the entire family's vacation.

The trip was called off because Barb discovered Chris was stealing from her purse. He had been sneaking small changed for awhile (in addition to using their credit cards on [[PSN]]), but recently it had become larger and larger amounts. I had known about the cards on PSN but Chris had told me such things “was in the past”. He did, however, stress that his parents were unaware of his five-finger-discounts. Chris’ pocket-book thievery was revealed at the police station to everyone.

Sadly, the events during this time period really got to Barb and Bob mentioned that she threatened to kill herself.

Bob continued the conversation and informed me that he would handle Josh. Bob didn’t trust the police to help because Chris was also a guilty party, and had [[Chris and the Law|previous run-ins (six to seven incidents, he stated)]]. So, Bob intended to save the matter for small claims court. As for the trolls, Bob was convinced that [[Megan]] (“that CRUEL, GERMAN, girl” he dubbed her) was behind the evil doings. He revealed that the Chandlers had started getting harassed back in [[1999]] by a man named Jamie Dunn (who also tried to land Bob in the slammer). Furthermore, Bob stated that there were people in the world penning thesis’ about Chris for their degrees.

Bob no longer trusted Rocky. Bob said he'd tell Chris to stop calling me and at the same time, he requested that he use my father's clout to help catch Josh.

Although Bob was rather pushy he did back off soon after- with a heavy heart, and respectfully so. He made one final plea that I re-consider. Chris and his family required “all the help they could get”. Bob said I could trust him, that he was “as clean as they get”. Unlike Rocky, Bob never thought I was a troll. Bob and Barb had always polite to me, kind even. It was a tragedy that things had to end the way things did- that Chris still had no concept of the word “no”.

Bob asked if I wanted to speak with Chris. Bob wanted us to keep talking. At the very least, if I decided to stick to my guns, he asked if I’d say goodbye to his son. I had to decline- to go back now and hear his voice again would have been too painful…

And than [[CWC "Boyfriend"|I killed myself]].

[[Category:Ivy Saga]]

Rocky Shoemaker

2011-02-13T21:07:01Z

Canelle: /* See also */

{{quote|Rocky offers me advice for most general things for counsoling [sic]. I can't say all of the things she has helped me with off of the top of my head, aside from the recent thinking of myself as [[retarded]]|Chris explains how Rocky helps him<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 22]]</ref>}}
[[Image:shoemaker.jpg|thumb|Rocky Shoemaker]]

[[Image:ivyjesus.jpg|thumb|''[[Ivy]] vs. The Methodist Church''. Coming to a theater near you]]

'''Rochelle "Rocky" Shoemaker''' is a pastoral counselor (actual title - "Assistant Pastor for Care Ministries") at the [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]], who advised [[Chris]] on several matters, going as far back as the [[Miyamoto Saga]].

==Biography==

Rocky used to work in the [http://www.cof-umc.org/index.html Community of Faith United Methodist Church], where she garnered high praise and [http://cof-umc.org/blog/?p=3 comparisons with Rocky Balboa]. In the year of Our Lord [[2009]], she brought about the end of the [[Ivy]] Saga, by pushing Chris to go to the police about Ivy.

This wasn't the first time she wanted to call the cops, either - [[Julie]] and [[PandaHalo]] have both incurred her wrath in the past.

The last straw came in the form of [[Joshua Martinez]], aka [[Vanessa Hudgens]], who tried to swindle some money out of Chris by trading him a [[PSP]]. After that, Shoemaker made [[Bob Chandler]] and [[Barb]] contact the cops who tried to find Ivy and even managed to get a background check on her and came up with nothing.

In a [[IRC (23 July 2009)|July 2009 IRC Chat]] Chris, believing that he had entered the chat incognito (although the trolls had in fact instantly seen through his false identity), suggested that the trolls force him to [[Chris and sex|rape]] Rocky. Rocky herself is aware that Chris said this. The fact that she did not kick him out of the church on the spot speaks volumes about her sanity.

In addition to her interaction with Chris, Rocky has an adult son who works at RockStar Games, makers of Grand Theft Auto.

==The ultimate white knight?==
Rocky Shoemaker might be the only person in the world who is genuinely concerned about Christian's well-being. Judging by her approval of the [[Love Quest]], it can be inferred that she supports Christian's desire for [[china]].

Despite saving him from the wiles of Joshua Martinez and [[Clyde Cash]], it seems as though Rocky is ineffective at making an impact in Christian's life where it really matters - namely his [[Homos|bigotry]], [[Chris and his Ego|selfishness]], [[Chris and death|total disregard for others]], [[Chris and health|gluttony]], and [[Chris and anger|rage]].

One can usually spot her hand in affairs if Chris begins to display common sense. It is generally believed that she was behind Chris's attempt to quit the internet forever on 21 March 2010, as the video was made on a Sunday. Chris likely meets with her on Thursdays and Sundays, as he suddenly developed basic pattern recognition skills long enough to catch one troll on 29 April and smoke out [[Sydney Contacts|another]] on 1 May (though he may have simply gotten both mixed up with [[Jackie]]).

Chris insists that Rocky is a better counselor than a professional psychologist, and seems to accept uncritically whatever she says.

==See also==
*[[Chris and religion]]
*[[Chris and sex]]

==Sauce==
<references/>

{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Shoemaker, Rocky}}
[[Category:People]]

Rocky Shoemaker

2011-02-13T21:05:31Z

Canelle: /* See also */

{{quote|Rocky offers me advice for most general things for counsoling [sic]. I can't say all of the things she has helped me with off of the top of my head, aside from the recent thinking of myself as [[retarded]]|Chris explains how Rocky helps him<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 22]]</ref>}}
[[Image:shoemaker.jpg|thumb|Rocky Shoemaker]]

[[Image:ivyjesus.jpg|thumb|''[[Ivy]] vs. The Methodist Church''. Coming to a theater near you]]

'''Rochelle "Rocky" Shoemaker''' is a pastoral counselor (actual title - "Assistant Pastor for Care Ministries") at the [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]], who advised [[Chris]] on several matters, going as far back as the [[Miyamoto Saga]].

==Biography==

Rocky used to work in the [http://www.cof-umc.org/index.html Community of Faith United Methodist Church], where she garnered high praise and [http://cof-umc.org/blog/?p=3 comparisons with Rocky Balboa]. In the year of Our Lord [[2009]], she brought about the end of the [[Ivy]] Saga, by pushing Chris to go to the police about Ivy.

This wasn't the first time she wanted to call the cops, either - [[Julie]] and [[PandaHalo]] have both incurred her wrath in the past.

The last straw came in the form of [[Joshua Martinez]], aka [[Vanessa Hudgens]], who tried to swindle some money out of Chris by trading him a [[PSP]]. After that, Shoemaker made [[Bob Chandler]] and [[Barb]] contact the cops who tried to find Ivy and even managed to get a background check on her and came up with nothing.

In a [[IRC (23 July 2009)|July 2009 IRC Chat]] Chris, believing that he had entered the chat incognito (although the trolls had in fact instantly seen through his false identity), suggested that the trolls force him to [[Chris and sex|rape]] Rocky. Rocky herself is aware that Chris said this. The fact that she did not kick him out of the church on the spot speaks volumes about her sanity.

In addition to her interaction with Chris, Rocky has an adult son who works at RockStar Games, makers of Grand Theft Auto.

==The ultimate white knight?==
Rocky Shoemaker might be the only person in the world who is genuinely concerned about Christian's well-being. Judging by her approval of the [[Love Quest]], it can be inferred that she supports Christian's desire for [[china]].

Despite saving him from the wiles of Joshua Martinez and [[Clyde Cash]], it seems as though Rocky is ineffective at making an impact in Christian's life where it really matters - namely his [[Homos|bigotry]], [[Chris and his Ego|selfishness]], [[Chris and death|total disregard for others]], [[Chris and health|gluttony]], and [[Chris and anger|rage]].

One can usually spot her hand in affairs if Chris begins to display common sense. It is generally believed that she was behind Chris's attempt to quit the internet forever on 21 March 2010, as the video was made on a Sunday. Chris likely meets with her on Thursdays and Sundays, as he suddenly developed basic pattern recognition skills long enough to catch one troll on 29 April and smoke out [[Sydney Contacts|another]] on 1 May (though he may have simply gotten both mixed up with [[Jackie]]).

Chris insists that Rocky is a better counselor than a professional psychologist, and seems to accept uncritically whatever she says.

==See also==
*[[Chris and religion]]
*[[Chris and sex]]
{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Shoemaker, Rocky}}
[[Category:People]]
<references/>

Virginia Jeanine Sanford

2011-02-13T21:05:15Z

Canelle: /* Sauce */

[[Image:0146-MrsVirginiaSanford.jpg|thumb|Mrs. Sanford, cosplaying as herself.]]
[[Image:0226-ChristianWMrsSanford.jpg|thumb|Chris and Mrs. Sanford.]]

{{quote|She was the most influential teacher in my life. During my years at Providence Middle School, she taught me better [[Autism|social skills]], how to [[Death threats|better cope with other people]], [[trolls|bullies]] and [[Reality|life]]. With a positive and fun [[Homos|tomboyish]] attitude, she was a teacher any child would be most proud to look up to and be taught by.
|Chris on Mrs. Sanford<ref>[[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts (CWCipedia page)]]</ref>}}

'''Virginia Jeanine Sanford''' was one of [[Christian]]'s teachers. She was once Teacher of the Year.<ref>[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#The Teenage Years]]</ref> Virginia Jeanine Sanford helped him cope with his [[autism]] at [[Providence Middle School]].

==Message to Chris==
[[Image:0231-MrsSanfordsWiseWords.jpg|thumb|Mrs. Sanford pretending to be [[Advice Chris|Advice Dog]]. If only Chris had listened...]]
When Chris was in eighth grade, Virginia wrote a message to Chris which would eerily predict his future Internet mishaps. Also, note the grammatical errors.

{{quotebox|To Christian- 
Well, it's been 3 years now at [[Providence Middle School|Providence]] and it's all over! Where has the time gone to? The most important parting words I can leave you with - well, are to always remember this. You show people where your weak points are located, then [[trolls|they]] will know how to push your button. If you never show them, they will never know. I hope you will have an enjoyable summer and come back to visit. Do you very best at [[Manchester High School|Manchester]], put your best foot forward, and [[Death threats|treat others as you]] [[Chris and hypocrisy|wish to be treated]]. 
Love, 
Mrs. Sanford 
(gs)}}
{{-}}
==E-mail Chris sent==
:''[[Chris_E-mails_2007#February|Chris E-mails 2007]]''

==Sauce==
<references />

{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Sanford, Virginia Jeanine}}
[[Category:People]]

Abusive babysitter

2011-02-13T21:04:41Z

Canelle: /* Sauce */

[[Image:Babysitter.jpg|thumb|A re-enactment of what happened to Chris and his [[duck]].]]

The '''abusive babysitter''' was a babysitter in [[Chris]]'s neighborhood by the last name of '''Roach''' who watched Chris when he was 18 months old.<ref name="Wikipedia" /> According to [[Cole]], Roach was "unfit" as a babysitter, yet [[Barbara]] and [[Bob]] left Chris alone with her every day for years anyway while they went out drinking.<ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-3.PNG|6 March 2007 email from Cole to Chris, page 3]]</ref> She allegedly locked him in a room filled with toys while she babysat him, because of her feelings of anger towards him. Chris was so [[stress|traumatized]] by this incident that he didn't talk for six years.<ref name="Wikipedia">[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#His Early Years - Birth to 1992]]</ref>

Chris has blamed this event for his [[autism]], although evidence suggests that it is a hereditary disorder rather than a disorder induced by emotional trauma like post-traumatic stress disorder. Generally speaking, the age at which Chris was allegedly abused is around the same time that symptoms of autism begin to manifest themselves anyway.<ref>[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism#Screening http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism#Screening]</ref> Once, in the [[Mailbag 12|Mailbag]], Chris shyed away from this explanation for his condition, possibly referring to the disputed thesis linking autism to childhood vaccinations instead.

While sparring with Clyde Cash in [[Mumble 3]], Chris said that he holds no ill will towards his parents for leaving him with the babysitter: "They did not know better."

The irony of it all is that now Chris locks ''himself'' in a [[Chris's room|room filled with toys]], and for days on end instead of merely hours. This irony has not yet been addressed by the man himself, but we can be sure that if trolls bring it up in the future, it will be duly ignored.

==References by Chris==
The earliest reference to the abusive babysitter is in the [[Song of Christian]] videos from [[1998]]. There, Chris explains the basics of the story and pegs her as the cause of his autism.

{{quote|I had a babysitter, but, uh, she was kinda've mean babysitter. Anyway, ah, one day she was on her phone and, uh, I came up t—I came up to her, I came up with her, and said something and, uh, she was kinda angry at me, 'cause I interrupted her phone call, AND she locked me in a room fulla noth—n—fulla nothing but toys, and, uh, she just locked me in there, and, uh, I was very lonely, so I just sat there and cried, and... uh that's how my autism began. Thanks to an evil babysitter.|Chris, Song of Christian Part 1}}

He later mentioned her in passing in [[Chris Chan's Public Announcement]], the initial response to his [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] page in the fall of 2007, although in that instance he didn't directly link the babysitter to his mental handicap.

In an IRC chat from [[IRC (16 October 2008)|October 2008]], a troll pumped Chris for information about the babysitter, but Chris didn't offer anything new. When asked for details on what she did that he considered abusive, Chris replied, "only locked me in a room, alone by myself; no one else around in the room."

Chris's [[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile|Wikipedia user page]] from the spring of 2009 tells much the same story as the Song of Christian video, albeit in not so many words. In that case, though, he referred to her by name.

{{quote|While being babysat by a woman in my neighborhood, whose last name was Roach, she was angry for some reason, so she locked me in a room, all by my lonesome, and it was then at 1 1/2 Years of age, I stopped talking.|Chris, on Wikipedia, 01 May 2009}}

==Sauce==
<references />

{{People}}
[[Category:People]]

CWC's Collector's Case Tutorial

2011-02-13T05:49:06Z

Canelle: /* Transcript */ category

'''CWC's Collector's Case Tutorial''' is an LBP video published by Chris on the 9th of [[February 2011|February, 2011]]. In it, Chris details how to build and use a collector's case.

==Video==

{{Infobox/video
| name = CWC's Collector's Case Tutorial
| video = {{#ev:youtube|oHh9cS34wDk}}
| stardate = 12 February 2011
| subject = {{Video games|Video Games}}
| previous = [[100 2357.MOV]]
| next = Current

}}

===Transcript===

''{As Chris speaks, Sonichu's mouth moves more or less in sync}''

Hello, and welcome to the tutorial of the Collector's Case in LittleBigPlanet, originally created by Christian Weston Chandler. I'm your host, Sonichu, the Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon, and today we are going to tour the Collector's Case, which was originally created in LittleBigPlanet, but now being revamped, in LittleBigPlanet 2!

Back in the first LittleBigPlanet, we were limited to using chains, pulleys, and Disolve Material to hide and store our prizes we either created, or collected, over da community. But now, thanks to LittleBigPlanet 2, we now have another option: the drawers!

If you recall the arcade level in LittleBigPlanet 2, which is the first level of the final zone of the game, you will notice the arcade machines, where if you play the mini-games a little bit, you would unlock a prize, which would drop from the top of the machine. That's essentially called a "drawer system". And I use that technology... similarly, here in the... LBT-- LittleBigPlanet 2 version of the Collector's Case. Originially, I was only able to offer four tools for the Collector's Case. Which were, the uh, upper, middle and lower sections, of course including the introductory one with the entrance... [something] the sets of boxes. And also the Disolve Shelves, as well as the uh... yeah, the other set, including the elevators. Which were rods, and sponges. And for da tutorial, we will be looking at, and examining... with inspection parts, with collector- of the Collector's Case, as well as the individual options available then and now.

Okay, before we go up, we'll talk about the individual parts. Disolve Parts, Dislove Shelves. Put your memorables behind these, and you can drop 'em down all at once. You can either, uh, put the bubbles in the top, or remove the front temporarily, by moving it forward and then sticking it back after you put the bubbles in place. One bubble for each square. And the shelves here, they have a thin layer on the front and a thin layer on the back. An inner-outer switch, which you- which is obvious right there, check your tutorials on that. And this box- and the bigger box, which goes into the... which these small boxes go into the bigger box. Two layers - one thin, one thick. The thinner ones will keep the, uh... will keep the shelves in place after you pull 'em outward. And of course, then again, you wanna make sure you pull the shelves- the front of the shelves- the front of the drawer outward, so you can stick your bubbles in there. Shrinking may apply, because there are no holes on top of these boxes.

Okay, so, we are in da boxes. Yep. We gonna go look at da boxes... Yep. Press a button, any button... There's a key. Pull a lever... Anything you want! It's your box! Puttin' your box together... Hold onto it, swing around, collect da bubbles! Bubbles all down... New message! Make 'em drop, drop 'em as you go. Oh and of course, you don't want the ball and chain to get in the way, to prevent the uh, shelves from opening up, or making the bubbles difficult to drop. Make sure you have a scoreboard at the end, so you can finish it up. Aaand don't let conformity get in the way, decorating's good. Look at all this fun stuff!

Take the elevator up, dun de dun de dun... And, swing around, have fun... Weeeeee! Also, a good idea - smart presentations of the items. So you know what's in the bubbles. Better idea - stickers are also good too! And of course, you should also, uh, reccomended... put the actual copy of the item IN the level. Outside of a bubble, especially if they're copy-protected. Yeah.

So anyway, that's essentially it for the, uh... stuff. So yeah. You can also back- You can also back these up onto your hard drive, or put 'em up on the internet! Do what you want! Yayyyy! Everybody have a safe dayyyy! Enjoy yourselves, and the Collector's Cases I put together for youuu! Yayyyy!

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[100 2357.MOV]]|nextlink=Current}}
[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Dating profiles

2011-02-13T05:45:58Z

Canelle: /* OKCupid */

Chris has created a number of profiles for dating websites over the years. Like everything else Chris does, these endeavors are usually made of pure fail.

==Match.com==
{{main|Match.com}}

Chris's Match.com profile is his oldest online personal ad, dating back to when he still attended [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]], hung out at [[The Game Place]], and wasn't quite so corpulent and maladjusted as he would eventually become. It appears to have been just as ineffective as all of the others, though.

==OKCupid==
[[File:Online_dating_expectations.jpg|thumb|right|What's really happening.]]
{{main|OkCupid}}

OkCupid is one of the more popular dating websites, and matches people based on how they respond to questions that they may answer at their leisure. Unlike sites such as Match.com, OkCupid allows users to message and search each other for free, only charging for perks like ad removal and unlimited inbox space. The ability to stalk thousands of internet girls without paying a dime must have been a very attractive prospect for Chris.

Chris created his first OkCupid profile in late [[February 2009]]. He gave up on it very quickly — his final login was in early [[March 2009|March]], and he never answered any of the questions or quizzes that the site uses to build a personality profile of each user. It's likely he quit using it after girls failed to flood his inbox with offers of True and Honest [[China|love]]. In the usual Chris style, the profile is woefully incomplete, featuring only a very brief personal summary, and a looking-for box in which he checked every available option, including "casual sex."

A bit later, in [[April 2009]], Chris created a second profile, which gradually evolved into something many, many times worse.

==Book of Matches==
[[File:BookOfMatchProfile.jpg|thumb|Screenshot of Chris's BoM page.]]

It's unclear when Chris made this profile, but given his stated age, it probably was made around late 2008 or early 2009, around the same time as his first Hook Cafe ad. While the staples of half-assery are still present, it's clear Chris spent more time on this page then he did on his OKCupid profile. Many of the statements here are just repetitions of the Chris-chan facts we all know and love, though: his fantasy of a daughter named Crystal, McDonald's as a first date, and so on. [[Honest Content|True and Honest]], perhaps, but hardly a way to impress babes. Chris also seems to believe that citing ''[[Mary Poppins]]'' as the greatest movie ever will somehow have a positive effect on the ladies.

===Profile Text===
'''If you like me, find me In Person, and let me know.'''

*Charlottesville, Virginia
*Response Rate: 0%
*Above average
*[[Ego|Sensually hot]]
*Pisces
*Caucasian
*M
*26 years of age
*5'9 - 5'10
*Single
*Artsy Gamer
*Here For Long Term Relationship

'''Things that have bothered me:'''
 When they are false friends; when they would just dump me after one mistake, or something as dumb.
 '''I am looking for:'''
 In a nutshell, 18-years to my current age, Caring, Smoke-Free, Non-Alcholic, white and Boyfriend-Free.
 '''Cool Movies:'''
 Of all time, Mary Poppins.
 '''My Favorite Groups are:'''
 All kinds; classic, jazz, country, pop, rock, etc.
 '''I am looking for a personality like:'''
 I'm not certain, but as long as the woman likes me for me, and will stay by and care about me, all things considered, I'll feel better. I feel that I am a good listener, and I can make her laugh and/or feel good (but then again, it depends on her point of view).
 '''Willingness to meet others from boM:'''
 I am willing to meet WOMEN from this service, as long as they live within the Ruckersville or Charlottesville, VA area, and if they currently do not have (or preferably never had) a Boyfriend.
 '''Are you ready to start from scratch?'''
 I WANT to start a relationship [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up|from the Ground-Up]]. I may have a few things already [[Sex toys|put behind me]], but I will make it a point to keep [[Homos|those]] [[Racism|issues]] out of the way of current or future issues. I am to be continued.
 '''My typical day:'''
 Personally, I have never been on a date before in my life. But for my first date, I'd keep it simple with a beverage (or shared meal) at [[McDonalds]], or similar resteraunt.
 '''My Wish List Includes:'''
 I dream of getting married, and having a daughter named [[Crystal]].

==The Hook Cafe==
{{main|The Hook Cafe}}

Chris has put up at least two personal ads on the website of his local alternative weekly paper. One, dating to around the beginning of [[2009]], was hacked before its contents could be preserved for posterity. The second, however, found in [[April 2010]], was successfully mirrored by the CWCki. A few days after it was initially discovered, the ad mysteriously disappeared (and was completely deleted from the site, unlike Chris's first ad, which he simply hid from public view after regaining access to it).

==External links==
*[http://www.bookofmatches.com/profile/page/SONICHU.htm Chris's Book of Matches profile]
*[http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=1000005&TP=U&Handle=SonichuCWC&uid=p6pWeNyd69Zt4vDF/badgQ== Chris's Match.com profile]
*[http://www.okcupid.com/profile/CWCSONICHU Chris's OKCupid profile]

{{The Internet}}
[[Category:Websites]]

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2011-02-13T05:44:55Z

Canelle: Category:Chris-Chan (fanart)

[[Category:Chris-Chan (fanart)]]

User:Canelle

2011-02-13T03:50:14Z

Canelle:

*[[:Special:Categories|Catgegories]]
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*Could used more images/drawings
**[[Dating profiles]]
**[[Continuity in the Sonichu comics]]

User:Canelle

2011-02-13T03:38:58Z

Canelle: Creating userpage

*[[:Special:Categories|Catgegories]]
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**Could used more images
**[[Dating profiles]]

Chris and religion

2011-02-13T03:23:19Z

Canelle: /* Breaking all "Ten Commandments" */ numered bullets

<center>{{#ev:youtube|KlsCT1AUmZw}}</center>

{{quote|When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.|1 Cor 13:11<ref>[http://bible.cc/1_corinthians/13-11.htm]</ref>, on what Chris <s>has failed to</s> will never do.}}

{{quote|my CURRENT church can help me a LOT better than any "professional"|Chris<ref>[[Vivitheg's AIM chat]]</ref>}}
[[Image:CHRISjesuss.jpg|thumb|right||Program from Chris's baptism]]
'''The religion of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]''' is a complicated topic because his stated religious convictions often differ from his actual, peculiar beliefs about God, sinfulness, and the nature of good and evil.

That Chris professes a belief in Christianity completes the general stereotype of the [[naïve]] hillbilly idiot who thinks that citing divine authority is the way to win arguments about things he doesn't understand. With religion, like anything else, Chris only hears what he wants to hear. For example, he accepts his religion's teachings condemning [[homos]]exuality ''and'' ignores the fact that it also forbids pre-marital [[sex]], [[Anger|hatred]], [[Race|intolerance]], [[Nudes|pornography]] and [[Mass debating|masturbation]]. This dissonance is exemplified in his reaction to the news that [[PandaHalo]] had been raped and impregnated by [[Clyde Cash]]: he actively encouraged her to spend time with her rapist because a child should know and be raised by both of its parents... shortly after encouraging her to get an abortion.<ref>[[IRC (21 January 2009)]]</ref>

Chris's narrow view of the world requires that [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] share his religious beliefs, despite the fact that they also regard Chris as their almighty creator and father.

Regardless of his religion, Chris believes he has received [[Dreams|multiple visions from God]].

==Denomination==
{{quote|And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, [[Julie|fornication]], [[Twin Falling Towers|wickedness]], [[Kacey|covetousness]], [[Don't Mess With Me|maliciousness]]; full of [[Infinitely high boyfriend factor|envy]], [[Death threats|murder]], [[Mass debating|debate]], [[Lies|deceit]], [[Chris and anger|malignity]]; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, [[Chris and his ego|proud]], [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|boasters]], inventors of [[Sonichu|evil things]], [[Bob Chandler|disobedient to parents]], [[Naive|without understanding]], covenantbreakers, [[Hanky-panky|without natural affection]], [[Chris and remorse|implacable]], [[Sonichu Special 4|unmerciful]]: who knowing the judgment of God, that they which [[For Julie's Eyes Only|commit such things are worthy of death]], not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.|Romans 1:28-32, on Chris}}

[[Image:SonichuRosechuReligious.jpg|thumb|right|Sonichu and Rosechu recall Joseph's story of "forgiveness" prior to Rosechu brutally faceraping [[Jason Kendrick Howell]].]]
At some time in his youth, Chris was baptized in an unspecified [[Wikipedia:Methodism|Methodist]] church.<ref>[[IRC (28 December 2008)]]</ref> The first church he and his parents are known to have attended is [[Grace Baptist Church]], a small congregation in [[Charlottesville]] that launched in [[2000]].<ref>http://cvilletomorrow.typepad.com/charlottesville_tomorrow_/2007/12/grace_baptist.html</ref> In [[2008]] he was, under [[Nudes|mysterious circumstances]], forced to leave that community, at which time he began attending [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]].

"Wesley Mem" is located near the [[University of Virginia]] and has an unusually liberal theology; the common conclusion among [[trolls]] is that congregations more in line with Chris's opinions of [[homos]] are equally intolerant of him, so he had to come here. The doctrinal differences between the [[Wikipedia:Southern Baptist|Southern Baptist]] and Methodist denominations are probably too subtle for Chris to concern himself with, and he likely does not identify with any particular denomination of Christianity beyond simply being Protestant.

Chris has no connection to Catholicism, which he seems to regard as a benign but alien practice. In his comics, he assigns it to a minor character, [[Angelica Rosechu]], whose faith doesn't practically differentiate her from the rest of the inhabitants of [[CWCville]] - she's still as much of a slut as the rest of the [[Rosechu (species)|Rosechus]]. (Not to mention, her home congregation is called "Samuel Memorial United Christian Church," which is about the least likely name for a Roman Catholic church Chris could have come up with.)

[[PandaHalo]]'s persona was designed to be devoutly Roman Catholic specifically to confound Chris's desire for pre-marital sex with contraception. Faced with this challenge, Chris tried to argue that God really does allows premarital sex because his pastor said so. Members of the same religion often differ on the finer points of God's will because ultimately there is no objective point of reference to settle the dispute. Chris cannot comprehend this because to him his beliefs ''are'' that point of reference; [[Autism|you either share his beliefs or you're receiving bad information]].

==Concept of God (or: GodJesus)==
[[Image:Jesusbot.jpg|thumb|right|THIS IS WHAT CHRIS ACTUALLY BELIEVES]]
[[Image:CWCletter.jpg|thumb|left|Chris invokes God and Jesus, saying they told him that [[Blanca]] is real. Proof that God and Jesus are on the [[trolls]]' side.]]
[[Image:SchuComic10P09.jpg|thumb|right|God and Jesus tell Chris he is meant to be with Ivy who is [[lie|totally not a troll]], also in this pic, BLASPHEMY!]]
[[Image:Issue 0A Page 8 edit.JPG|thumb|left|Radar sums it up nicely]]

Chris has a fundamental belief in an omnipotent, benevolent God; beyond this, he also accepts Jesus Christ as the son of God and the savior of mankind. He's reluctant to mention God without also including Jesus, perhaps out of some sense that he must stress his specifically Christian notion of God. In effect, Chris frequently refers to "God and Jesus" (or "GodJesus"<ref>[[Matthew 5:27, CWC Confessions]]</ref><ref>[[CWC Update 9 April 2009]]</ref>) as if they were some sort of two-headed creature, unlike the Christian concept of the [[Wikipedia:Trinity|Trinity]], which states that God Himself exists as three "persons" or expressions in one Being.

Being the unparalleled study in [[ego]]tism he is, Chris seems to view God as a more of a metaphor for his own will than a supreme being to whom he is subject. To Chris, God will overlook (or doesn't care about) his misdeeds, but will become as enraged as Chris over those of others, especially when they are against him. Case in point, the ''fact'' that Chris cheated in the [[PaRappa the Rapper contest]] is not nearly as important as the ''suspicion'' that [[Adam Stackhouse]] did.

Chris believes God has a special interest in his own life, which would be consistent with Western monotheism, except that he also thinks God has nothing better to do than attend to him, and him alone. In his worldview, God's primary purpose is to arrange events so that he is happy, and punish those who make him unhappy. He is commonly observed saying things like "with God (and Jesus) on my side I will... [insert anything Chris [[fail]]s at]." He often invokes the wrath of God in his [[Death threats|infantile threats]], and is oblivious to the fact that God has yet to back him up on any of them.

Chris attributes most of his motivations to commands given to him directly from GodJesus in [[Dreams|visions]]. His exact beliefs concerning these prophetic dreams are difficult to pin down, but the most rational interpretation is that Chris dreams about something he'd like to do, then wakes up and decides it was God telling him to do it. In Chris's mind, each vision is simultaneously a directive to do something and proof that it will happen no matter what occurs. For instance, after Chris had a vision about fathering a [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|daughter]], he decided he was required to actively [[Love Quest|make that happen]] while also assuring himself that [[Virgin with rage|failure]] was impossible. When Chris was being accused of [[Chris and race|racism]] for insisting that he can only date white women, he justified this by arguing that prophesied daughter must be white.

Subsequent visions from God have supposedly confirmed that [[Blanca]], [[PandaHalo]] and [[Ivy]] were to be the mother of [[Daughter|Chris's child]], despite the fact that each of these women subsequently turned out to be [[trolls]]. This proves that God, if he exists, is either not responsible for Chris's supposedly prophetic dreams, or is having a [[Laughs Under Lucricities|laugh at his expense]].

Chris also believes that if he confesses his sins to GodJesus he will be forgiven. Private confessions directly to God are not uncommon in Protestantism, but generally it's assumed that the confessor is doing so to genuinely atone for mistakes. However, Chris abuses the purpose of confession so that he can commit whatever wrongs he wants and then wipe the slate clean with his "confession." For example, Chris made [[To Clyde and Jack|a video]] in which he suggested that [[Clyde Cash]] and [[Jack Thaddeus]] commit suicide so that they can burn in Hell forever. He later drew them doing just that in [[Sonichu (comic)|his comic]]. Just one day after the comic appearance, Chris answered a fan letter asking why he had been wishing suicide upon them, and pointing out that such a wish conflicts with his Christian beliefs. Chris responded that he had "confessed of that to God and Jesus, and they have forgiven [him] on that."<ref>[[Mailbag 33#Chris demanded suicide under "reasonable hatred"]]</ref> One of two things happened: either Chris wished for their deaths in the video, asked for forgiveness, then gleefully drew it happening afterward anyway, or he waited until he'd finally got done saying his piece, then conveniently offered up his confession right after getting everything out of his system. Either way, such a confession is highly disingenuous.

Traditional theology has long dealt with the so-called "problem of pain" in books Chris is unlikely to read anytime soon. It's strange that despite Chris's strong belief that GodJesus is backing him up on his [[Love Quest]], that God imparts on him such [[stress]] and trolling. He seems to believe that the way prayer works is the same way a little kid learns to get what they want: by saying "please." To Chris, prayer is apparently like ordering a pizza, and as long as you pray for something, it'll show up for you exactly how you ordered it, a principle that applies to base and material things as much as spiritual guidance.
{{clear}}

==Afterlife==
[[Image:Apostle paul rembrandt.jpg|thumb|left|The likely reaction of St. Paul to Chris's "interpretation" of the Bible]]
[[Image:Jesus facepalm.jpg|thumb|right|Jesus's reaction to Chris's antics]]

{{Quote|For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.|Ephesians 2:8-10, on the place of good deeds in the Christian faith.}}
{{Quote|Like most people; our souls leave our bodies, we end up in Heaven or Hell depending on our deeds/misdeeds, and possibly Reincarnation.|Chris, <ref>[[Mailbag 30#Questions]]</ref>}} {{clear}}

While the idea of good deeds causing someone to go to heaven and bad deeds sending them to hell is not an uncommon one, Protestant theology explicitly states that the salvation of one's soul is based completely on one's faith. In general this teaching means that one's prior sins (no matter how terrible) can be forgiven by God, and that members of the faith should try to live righteous lives not because it will get them into heaven, but simply because doing so is morally the right thing to do. The salvation of one's soul through faith is essentially the single point upon which nearly every Protestant denomination is based.

Like everything else, Chris fails at this basic concept, stating that one goes to heaven or hell based completely on personal actions. He personally believes he will go to heaven because he's done "[[Common Questions#Answered 01/01/10|a lot of good deeds]]". Likewise, he feels that [[homos]] are almost certainly bound to go to hell, and need to turn straight to "[[Mailbag 18#In which Chris believes he has magic powers (srsly)|better their chances of going to heaven]]". He has also stated numerous times that he feels [[Clyde Cash|various]] [[Jack Thaddeus|trolls]] are bound for hell for making fun of people over the internet. He has suggested that they [[To Clyde and Jack.MOV|commit suicide]] so that they might receive their eternal punishment faster.

Additionally, Chris [[Mailbag 21#Chris gets a call from The Doctor|believes in the concept of reincarnation]], common in Hinduism and other Eastern religions, though he has yet to offer any criteria for what might cause someone to be reincarnated. While reincarnation was and to some extent is still embraced by a few Christian sects, Chris himself realizes none of this.

==Concept of sin==
{{quote|But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...|Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:44}}

{{quote|I PRAY TO GOD AND JESUS TO [[Death threats|KILL]] [[JASON KENDRICK HOWELL]]|Chris, [[Sonichu Girls]] Forum}}

{{quote|HAVE A GOD DAMN HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MOMENT YOU READ THIS MESSAGE, YOU GOD DAMN BITCHING WHORE!|E-mail from Chris to [[Vivian]]}}

Other than vehemently opposing [[homos]], [[trolls]] and [[jerkops]], Chris seems to have little notion about the nature of sin and evil except that people who do things he doesn't like should go to hell. This is completely at odds with the part of Christian philosophy that states all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and anyone who repents his sins will be redeemed.

Chris's understanding of Christian theology is extremely limited, and he does not seem to know anything about the Bible (although he apparently owns a copy of the New International Version). His homophobia had nothing to do with the prohibitions on homosexuality in the Old Testament, which he was unaware of until he heard about it from ''[[Family Guy]]''. His [[Fapcup|aversion to "spilling his seed"]] and his [[recycling|dedication to the unborn]] have absolutely no basis in Biblical passages condemning sexual immorality and abortion.

When Chris gave in to temptation and cybered with [[Vanessa Hudgens]] in violation of his monogamous relationship with [[Ivy]], Chris made [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 17th, 2009|a big production]] out of confessing his sin and seeking forgiveness. This suggests that he previously had little to no experience with the idea of repenting sins before God.

===Guilty of all Seven Deadly Sins===
[[Image:Pope face palm.jpg|thumb|right|His Holiness's reaction to Chris's commission of all Seven Deadly Sins.]]

The concept of there being "seven deadly sins" is more a conception of the Catholics than of the Protestants, who will mostly tell you that ''any'' sin is equally as bad in the eyes of God. Given that Chris very likely could not tell the difference, it doesn't matter much. 

*'''Lust''': His [[Love Quest]]. Between all the purchases of [[sex toys]] and pornography, masturbation, sexual fantasies, intentions with prospective mates, and his objectification of women, lust is not only what seems to consume his every thought, it may very well be what leads to the consumption of his soul by Beelzebub (if you believe in that sort of thing). In fact, he's now on a [[Fuck Quest]]. (See also [[Chris and Sex]]).
*'''Gluttony''': It is not quite known if Chris's [[obesity|girth]] is [[Barbara|hereditary]] or the result of [[McDonalds|over consumption]], but the latter seems more likely having been a spoiled child and being sedentary for the greater part of his life.
*'''Avarice/Greed''': Chris's obsession with gaining wealth via winning contests and his behavior in trying to do so (e.g. putting [[Cole Smithey|his brother's]] questions about his paternity on the back burner while nagging him to vote for him), demonstrate an extreme desire for material gain. Also, he steals from his parents to buy [[PS3|video games he'll never play]]. (See also [[Chris and Money]]). He's even gone so far as to [[The MovingForward videos|destroy his PS3]] in an attempt to gain money.
*'''Sloth''': Obvious; see ''Gluttony''. Content to be the proud recipient of a "[[monthly tugboat]]" while sitting on his ass playing video games and surfing the [[Internet]], Christian rarely even puts forth even the minimal amount effort necessary to draw his Sonichu comics more than a few times a year. He believes doing routine household [[chores]] is [[stress|"stressful"]] and an equivalent to holding a real job.
*'''Wrath''': [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. [[Jerkops]]. [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD]]. "[[CWC Update!!!!! 27 March 2009|I'LL STRANGLE THAT CLYDE CASH!]]". [[Chris and anger|Yeah...]]
*'''Envy''': [[Jerks|His attitude towards other men]] as having taken [[Virgin with rage|"ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS AND LEFT NONE FOR ME!!!"]] is a lot more envy than ''anyone'', let alone Christians, should ever hold towards anything. Another proof of his envy was the personal hate that he aimed at [[Adam Stackhouse]], the winner of the [[PaRappa the Rapper Contest]]. Frankly, Adam deserved to win, but Chris cannot accept that someone else has something (talent) which he does not.
*'''Pride''': Chris's [[Autism|self-centered worldview]] and inability to note his own flaws. Narcissus himself would look down on him for his selfishness. This is partly due to incessant coddling and sheltering from his parents his whole life, while being told that he is perfect in every way, because having autism makes him special. Chris has been told his entire life that the fact that he has autism means that he should have everything handed to him on a silver platter. (See also [[Chris and his Ego]])

===Breaking all "Ten Commandments"===

Similar to the above, the concept of the Ten Commandments is more commonly associated with Judaism than Christianity, but, as noted, Chris is probably too goddamn stupid to tell the difference.

# '''"Thou shalt have no other gods before Me"''': While he claims to be devoted to GodJesus [[Chris and Reality|in real life]], his [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|in-comic persona]] seems to be a full-blown God Mode Sue. Furthermore, he wears a [[Medallion of Fail]] around his neck, in the same place where TRUE and HONEST Christians commonly wear crosses.
# '''"Thou shalt not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above"''': The most common interpretation is that this commandment does not forbid drawing pictures of heavenly beings (seen above), but instead refers to the construction or fashioning of "idols" in the likeness of created things (beasts, fish, birds, people) and worshiping them. Chris seems to believe that either the [[Medallions of Fail]] or the [[Amnyfest Ring]] are the source of [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|supernatural powers]], in direct violation of this commandment.
# '''"Thou shalt not swear falsely by the name of thy Lord"''': Chris has repeatedly cited the name of God when making outrageous claims about what he intends to do, whether it be to get back at [[trolls]], or to find a potential [[sweetheart]], regardless of whether or not he actually succeeds in meeting these unrealistic expectations. He also says "goddamn" a lot too.
# '''"Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy"''': As noted above, the Sabbath is almost exclusively observed by Jews rather than Christians, but it is still pretty likely that Chris has broken this commandment by "going to work" (making his comics, which he intends to make money off of) on Saturday. A more straight-up example would be the countless times that he has neglected going to church on Sunday, the Christian sabbath.
# '''"Honor thy [[Bob Chandler|father]] and thy [[Barbara Chandler|mother]]"''': Surprisingly, Chris has come pretty close to actually obeying this commandment. Not close enough, however, as Chris has been known to do [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|things]] that [[Bob walks in|upset]] his father.
# '''"Thou shalt not kill"''': Hoo boy. Chris [[Death threats|seems to want to directly defy this commandment]]. Bonus points for actually praying to GodJesus to kill his enemies... and then repenting to GodJesus in the same breath. Alternatively, considering the revelation that he believes cartoon characters really exist, his actions in [[Sonichu 10]] where he collapses a building full of people, killing at least a hundred people for relatively minor slights gives him the biggest body count of the series.
# '''"Thou shalt not commit adultery"''': In the literal sense, Chris will most likely be following this commandment [[Virgin with Rage|for the rest of his life]]. Christians believe that this commandment states that they should avoid having any lustful thoughts, sex before marriage, etc. Figuratively, however, he broke this rule when he cybered with [[Vanessa Hudgens]] and had phone sex with [[Julie]]. In his [[comic]], his affair with [[Lovely Weather]] arguably counts as a form of adultery, as well, and even if it doesn't, his subsequent affair with Meg from ''[[Family Guy]]'' certainly does. Also, he clearly has [[Third date|no problem with]] [[F Abstinance|premarital sex in general]].
# '''"Thou shalt not steal"''': If [[Chris and Copyright|plagiarism]] counts, he may as well be sitting in the Devil's lap. He has stolen money from his parents to purchase games on PSN and he even purposely wrote a bad check to Joshua for a PSP. Also, one could argue that he is guilty of stealing [[monthly tugboat|your taxpayer dollars.]] However, some scholars argue that this commandment actually means ''Thou shalt not kidnap'', which Chris hasn't done... yet. Watch your back, ladies.
# '''"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"''': Chris has been known to [[Lie|bend the truth]] in order to make himself look good and to defame [[Jerkops|other]] [[Mary Lee Walsh|people]], if his [[Sub-Episodes|comics]] are any indicator. This was especially prevalent within the [[Alec Benson Leary]] saga.
# '''"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods"''': Arguably the one he is most guilty of breaking. As noted in the Seven Deadly Sins, Chris has shown to be extremely resentful to other people who win prizes, be they [[Adam Stackhouse|video games]], [[Honor Roll|art awards]], or [[JERKS|girlfriends]]. It should also be noted that the original passage in the Bible specifically forbids the coveting of your [[Liquid Chris|neighbor]]'s [[Kacey|wife]], which would be a bit redundant considering #7.

===Breaking the Levitical Laws===

The Levitical laws were written for Hebrews, as a covenant with God. They are a priestly code of social behavior, with the agreement that if the laws are followed, the Hebrews would be given the Promised Land. Despite the fact that these laws were made for a culture thousands of years ago, and only followed by strict observers of [[Wikipedia:Halakha|Halakha]], Chris seems to have no problem applying these laws to modern times and modern people. Well, [[Chris and hypocrisy|sometimes]].

In [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus]], Chris touts one of the most used and abused Bible verses, Leviticus 18:22, as evidence that [[homos]]exuality is "just plain wrong". Unknown to Chris, this is a part of the old Levitical code, which has many, many other commandments. Chris breaks Levitical Law on a near daily basis.

There are many, many laws, and Chris breaks too many of them for them to all be listed here. Some prime examples include:

*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2011&version=NIV Leviticus 11]''' This whole chapter deals with was sort of animals you should and should not eat. Even though Chris eats at [[McDonald's]] every "2 or 3 times a week", odds are that he's had pork or shellfish at least once in his life, if not many times.
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:11&version=NIV Leviticus 19:11]''' "Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another." [[List of Chris's lies|Chris lies a lot]].
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:12&version=NIV Leviticus 19:12]''' "Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the LORD." Most of this article is dedicated to the misuse of God's name.
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:19&version=NIV Leviticus 19:19]''' "Keep my decrees: Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material." Chris benefits from the science of hybridization daily. Those Chicken McNuggets of which he's ever so fond come from hybrid corn, and you can bet his [[Chris and Fashion|clothes]] aren't a pure weave. And what is [[Sonichu]], if not "mating different kinds of animals": a [[Sonic|hedgehog]] and a [[Pokémon|Pikachu]] (itself a hybrid of the mouse and the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pika pika])?
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:26&version=NIV Leviticus 19:26]''' "Do not eat any meat with the blood still in it. Do not practice divination or sorcery." It's fairly doubtful that Chris keeps kosher about the meat, but more importantly... [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]]! [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction|FORGIVENESS BLESSINGS!]]
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:27&version=NIV Leviticus 19:27]''' "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard." [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2019:28&version=NIV Leviticus 19:28]''' "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD." While Chris has not directly violated this law, he has used tattoos to [[Chris and fashion#The "IBA." outfit|attract the ladies]].
*'''[http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus%2020:6&version=NIV Leviticus 20:6]''' "I will set my face against the person who turns to Mediums and spiritists to prostitute himself by following them, and I will cut him off from his people." Chris has claimed to hear the voices of [[Aunt Corrina]], his [[Cherokian Clan|other]] [[Daniel Weston|ancestors]], and GodJesus at the former's funeral, all giving approval to his [[Love Quest|quest]] for [[china]].<ref>[[Sarah May Skype Logs]]</ref>

However, when Christianity first became a religion, Saint Paul came up with the new covenant, so all the bits about circumcision, sacrificing goats, eating a kosher diet, and other Levitical laws no longer apply. Anyone who claims to be a Christian and still follows the Levitical laws isn't really a Christian so much as an ultra-orthodox Jew, or a [[Wikipedia:Seventh-day Adventist Church|Seventh-day Adventist]]. There are a few ultra-fundie Christians who follow some of the old Leviticus laws due to a passage on Matthew, but all of this is irrelevant in the first place since Chris neither reads the Bible or seriously cares about Christianity.

==Chris the Shaman==
{{quote|The spirit of Patti will have his soul for dinner tonight! She will be haunting your nightmares, Mr. Leary.|Chris, [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]}}

{{quote|1) "Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha" - Placing Bad Luck and Extreme Misfortune on all of those who give me grief or hate. 2) "Forgiveness Blessing" - Cures all ailments of virus or physical qualities. 3) "Hono" - Makes Gays, regardless of gender, become Straight; NEVER to be gay EVER Again. 4) "Peaceful Teaching" - Quells all disputes and disagreements within a 1000 mile radius, and turns all weaponry into dust. 5) "Come to me, my Women" - Locates and attracts 18 to 30-year old single women within a 5-mile radius.|Chris's terrifyingly insane list of "spells", [[Mailbag 23]]}}
[[Image:Ickeriss medallions.jpg|thumb|right||The Medallions serve as Chris's connection to the spirit realm.]]

Despite his professed Christianity, Chris's beliefs and behaviors almost tend towards a sort of shamanistic mindset, where God is a force to be controlled and the universe can be influenced by various mystic rituals. In Chris's case, he seems to believe that his tirades and tantrums will somehow affect the trolls who torment him. His attacks on the [[Clown Doll]], for instance, are a metaphorical threat, but also suggest an attempt at somehow literally harming the trolls through [[Wikipedia:sympathetic magic|sympathetic magic]], like a voodoo doll. He views his revenge against his enemies in the comic or in ''[[Soul Calibur]] III'' as being equivalent to actual revenge, rather than simply venting.

The world of [[CWCville]] is also a spirit realm, where Chris is almighty and can create and shape it as he pleases due to his power of "creativity". It exists outside, but parallel, to the real world, and sometimes Chris seems to honestly believe that it's a real place, even if it's just imaginary. This idea of the spirit realm became more valid when, in a [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|video]], Chris claimed that the soul of his [[Patti Chandler|dead dog]] (now [[Patti-Chan|living in CWCville]]) would devour Alec Benson Leary's soul and haunt his [[dreams]].

While Chris has used the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] in reality, he never took it too seriously, at least until he used it on [[Liquid Chris]] in a video. With the "kidnapping" of Liquid, he then realized that he had "the power" to actually curse people. He also developed a new ability to bless people via the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction|Forgiveness Blessings]] skill. He honestly seems to believe that these powers are real, even stating in one video that if it works, then he knows he has "the power." GaoGaiGar fans then promptly wanted to hit Chris for his abuse of [[Wikipedia:The_King_of_Braves_GaoGaiGar_glossary#.22THE_POWER.22_and_Jupiter-X|ZA POWER]]. Chris later stated in a music video that if people antagonize him, they will be cursed, but if you're TRUE and HONEST, you will receive blessings.

[[Image:thoushaltnotsufferacwctolive.JPG|thumb|left||Thou shalt not suffer a CWC to live.]]
Chris ought to be aware that his sorcery is not merely atypical of a Christian, but in fact explicitly proscribed by his faith. [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians%205:19-20&version=KJV Galatians 5:19-20] lists witchcraft as one of the more blatant acts of sin, whilst in the Old Testament, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+22%3A18&version=KJV Exodus 22:18] commands "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live". That's right, there's a Biblical mandate for Chris's death (and though there is some debate as to whether or not the original terms used refers only to harmful spellcasters, Chris has repeatedly attempted to curse people with things like death and haunting for very petty reasons). Alec Benson Leary, in one of his [[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8|phone calls]] with Chris, attempted to point out the thoroughly un-Christian nature of Chris's dabbling in black magic, but his reasoning appeared to have little effect.

Of course, it is important to remember, even if he did convert to a shamanistic faith, chances are most groups would kick him out just as quickly. Cursing people is one of the few things Wiccans and neo-Pagans are forbidden from doing, and most all groups would look down upon his general idiocy and his dabbling into powers [[Slow-in-the-minds|beyond his comprehension]]. No matter what, Chris will likely be hated for being an [[Chris and his ego|egotistical]], [[Women's Rights|sexist]], [[Chris and Race|racist]], failure.

For all we know, Chris will one day start popping magic mushrooms and writing comics based on that, which many agree would be a huge improvement on his current work.

==Delusions of Godhood?==
{{quote|Fear not. For behold I bring tidings of great joy.|Sonichu, [[Sonichu 10]]}}
{{quote|I prayed for forgiveness from the real Christian. Sonichu, will he forgive me?|Aspie Sonichu, [[Sonichu 10]]}}
[[Image:Issue 10 Pg 48.jpg|thumb|Sonichu cracks open his tomb and descends in a beam of light.]]
Starting on page 42 of [[Issue 10]], Chris displays a somewhat disturbing twist to the plot (such as it is) of his comics. [[Ultra Sonichu]] frees [[Zelina Rosechu]] from her stoned state using his Chaotic powers, then appears to [[Darkbind Sonichu]] with a message similar in tone, if not outright text, to prophecies of the coming of Jesus Christ (complete with arms outstretched as if he were suspended on a crucifix).

Later on in the issue, Ultra Sonichu travels to the world of [[Asperchu]], where the characters of that comic inform him that they were forced into their roles by Alec, and that they had been praying to Christian Weston Chandler for deliverance and forgiveness. Lo and behold, Chris did send the Messiah Sonichu to end their suffering. Sonichu uses the "Chaotic Remedy" to miraculously cure them all of their [[Asperger's syndrome]] (even though only Asperchu himself had the condition) and gives them new names and new, "better" looks.

It should be noted that, like Jesus Christ, [[Sonichu]] was born to a [[virgin with rage|virgin]].

Even before this, Chris had directly compared himself to God. In Issue 7, after Christian is lost in the Time Void, [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_7/Page_32 Sonichu says this].

{{quote|In the meantime, he will receive the accumilitive memories of the passing moments, so in a way, he is looking down on us, like our Lord and God are able to, but the vision may be blurred.|Sonichu, [[Sonichu 7]]}}

Possibly in response to criticism about acting as God, in [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Issue_10/Page_62 later pages] Chris addressed the issue of the non-canon chaotic combo worshiping him in an incredibly ignorant manner. First, he declares that he is not God but "a servant of him and Jesus", and immediately after goes on to "forgive" Michael (the copycat Sonichu's made-over name) for "baring false witness against <nowiki>[Chris]</nowiki>", as if he has the authority to forgive the breaking of the ten commandments, ''like he's God or something.''

Further evidence of Chris's blossoming God complex comes through his answer to some of the frequently asked questions that were put to him via the [[Mailbag]], where he states that he considers Sonichu to have over a billion fans. The only other fictional character who can claim such a number is God himself. This mad fuckery is compounded by the fact that Chris is like a God to Sonichu; this means that his opinion of himself is that of a God's God. Or maybe a [[Christopher's name change|God's bear]]. Chris moves in mysterious ways.

In his e-mails to [[Reggie Fils-Aimé]] he describes himself as a "Lamb of God." Jesus Christ is commonly referred to as this by many Christians.
{{clear}}

==Chris and other faiths==
Chris has never had much to say about religious beliefs other than his own, least of all non-Christian beliefs. Given his sheltered existence in the heart of the suburban American South, he probably hasn't had much practical exposure to anything but mainstream brands of Protestantism. When his "fans" asked him for his feelings on other religions during an [[IRC (28 December 2008)|IRC chat]], he glossed over the question and simply reiterated his own unthinking statement of faith.
===Other Christian sects===
Chris has described "[[Wikipedia:Mormonism|Mormans]]" as not being datable.<ref>[[MySpace messages]]</ref> He has never explained why, but he may have learned through [[Anna]] that Mormons typically don't date outside their religion.

[[Angelica]] is a [[Wikipedia:Catholic Church|Roman Catholic]], raised by [[Wikipedia:Nun#Catholic|nuns]]. However, she is still a huge slut without any opposition to premarital sex.

===Judaism===
"[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story]]" reveals that Chris has some awareness of [[Wikipedia:Judaism|Judaism]], probably picked up from watching ''[[South Park]]''. He appears to not understand that Jews and [[Wikipedia:Buddhism|Buddhists]] don't celebrate [[Christmas]]. However, in the way he wrote it, it is unknown if he's implying that Christians, [[Hanukkah|Jews]] and [[Christmas#Jolly Buddah (sic)|Buddhists]] go to the same place of worship, or if he's saying they go to separate places of worship and calls them "churches" because his vocabulary is heavily lacking. In [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean]], Chris is being blatantly anti-Semitic by "just throwing it out there" that he thinks Snyder is Jewish, and uses "Jew" as an insult (which he also got from ''South Park''). [[Some Favored Comedians]] is a thinly-veiled furious backpedaling attempt in which he rambles on and on about how he respects Jewish comedians like [[Wikipedia:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]].
===Islam===
In a CWCipedia [[Chris-Chan_(CWCipedia)#Chris-Chan_the_Moralf.2A.2A|article]], he strongly hints at feeling great hatred towards Muslims. Although the article primarily exists to deny various accusations trolls have made about him, he does not deny being a "prolific hater of all things not Christian".<ref>[[Chris-Chan (CWCipedia)]]</ref> Other than not being Christian, he probably hates Muslims because he's enough of a dumbass to likely believe all Muslims are terrorists because of 9/11, [[Twin Falling Towers|which he mocked]].

===Atheism===
[[Vivitheg's AIM chat|Vivian Gee]]'s belief in [[Wikipedia:Taoism|Taoism]], a non-theistic religion, seemed to be a concept he couldn't process.

He doesn't think much of atheists, but even there Chris has a hard time articulating his opinion. When Vivian asked him to explain why he dislikes them, he said, "I don't know, but I do know that they are not believers of God and Jesus."<ref>[[Vivitheg's AIM chat]]</ref> It's even harder for atheists to try and take [[GodJesus]] seriously enough to believe in them when Chris goes around boasting about having the deities on his side as though they were his personal avengers. When asked "You often attempt to scare your [[troll]]s by stating they will go to hell. Some of your trolls do not believe in hell, what do you have to say to them?" in [[Common_Questions#09_January_2010|Common Questions 9 Jan 2010]], his response was:

{{quote|Firstly, it is NOT a "scare tactic", [[Chris and reality|IT IS FACT]]. And second, I say "Well, Believe it or not. You are Not Dead Yet".}}

While it might hurt your brain trying to translate that second line from autism to English, Chris is trying to say that Hell exists but we haven't experienced it yet because we're still alive. In the [[List_of_OkCupid_Answers|OkCupid]] answers, Chris stated that he would not date an atheist.

Chris's half-brother [[Cole Smithey]] is also an atheist.<ref>[[Cole Smithey E-mails]]</ref>

==Sauces==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Angelica Rosechu]]
*[[Dreams]]
*[[Christmas]]
*[[Christian's name change|GodBear]]
*[[Grace Baptist Church]]
*[[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]]

==External links==
*[http://store.engrish.com/godjest.html Buy your own GodJesus T-shirt here]

{{Not_Jerks}}
{{Chris and}}

Clyde Cash

2011-02-10T21:18:19Z

Canelle: /* Currently */

[[Image:TheRealClydeCash.jpg|thumb|left|The real Clyde Cash, [[Secret Weapon|according to Chris]].]]
[[Image:ChrisVSClyde.JPG|thumb|Artist's interpretation of this epic struggle.]]
[[Image:325504 - Chris-chan clyde cash.jpg|thumb|[[Homos|STRAIGHT]] ANGER]]

{{quote|Yer butt's gonna be in trouble|[[Barbara Chandler]] on Clyde Cash<ref>[[Hooker incident#Aftermath|The Hooker Incident]]</ref>}}
{{quote|I'LL STRANGLE THAT CLYDE CASH!|[[Chris]] on Clyde Cash<ref>[[CWC Update!!!!! 27 March 2009]]</ref>}}

'''Clyde Cash''' (alias '''Gregg Mays''' - that's [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 8th, 2009|Gregg with three G's]]) ([[America|4 July]] [[1976]]<ref>[[:File:ClydesDriverlicense.jpg]]</ref>) is leader of [[The Miscreants]] and the most notorious of [[Chris]]'s [[troll]]s.

In Chris's revised [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] page, Clyde is referred to as a "Starscream troll". This is a reference to the ''[[Transformers]]'' character [[Wikipedia:Starscream|Starscream]], who would often switch sides or plot to overthrow [[Wikipedia:Megatron|Megatron]] behind the scenes. Chris says this [[Chris and Reality|because he believes]] Clyde allegedly killed [[BlueSpike]].<ref>[[Mumble 12]]</ref>

==Origins==
For the longest time, Clyde had no problems with Chris. Although he disapproved of some of the content, he was pleased to see the joy the franchise had brought his brother Ryan. Every night before bed, Clyde would read Ryan the latest ''[[Sonichu]]'' adventure until Ryan had dozed off to sleep (usually with the first three pages).

This changed when Chris announced, in his usual knee-jerk fashion, that he was going to stop drawing ''Sonichu'' [[comic]]s. Clyde tried comforting the upset Ryan to no avail. One night in mid-[[December 2008]],<ref>[[IRC (18 December 2008)]]</ref> Clyde entered Ryan's bedroom, intending to share a tray of freshly baked gingerbread men, only to find the lifeless form of his brother swinging from a light fixture. The dark silhouette of his body threw ghostly shadows across the room.

On the desk Clyde found a note - apparently the pain of not knowing whether [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal]] would be released from the [[Dark Mirror Hole]] was too much for the young Ryan to bear. Clyde screamed, but no sounds would come out. Collapsing to the floor, he swore undying revenge on Christian Weston Chandler.
{{clear}}

==The torment begins==
[[Image:ClydesDriverlicense.jpg|thumb|left|[[Virginia]]: [[Virginia is for Virgins|No longer for virgins]].]]
[[Image:Clydecashandannamclerran.jpg|thumb|Clyde Cash turns [[Anna McLerran|ladies]] [[Homos|straight]].]]
Clyde's first act was to rape Chris's [[sweetheart]] [[PandaHalo]]<ref>[[IRC (21 January 2009)]]</ref>, but it did absolutely nothing to Chris as he simply moved onto the next [[gal-pal]]. Chris believes that Clyde married Panda and had a "One Cent Daughter" named Penny.<ref>[[Jackie Chat 7]]</ref>

Then, Clyde [[Gregg Mays E-mails|posed as Gregg Mays]] (a web designer working for [[Nintendo]]) to gain access to [[Sonichu.net]]. Holding the site for ransom, he told Chris to make [[It's UGH!|a video proclaiming he was gay]]. He then told him to make a [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 12th, 2009|video declaring his straightness]]. Eventually, Chris regained access to the site. Striking again, Clyde worked with a [[troll]] and got rid of the domain. Chris, being resilient, bought Sonichu.info. With the help of PandaHalo, Clyde managed to gain access again.

It was around this time that [[Takashi Tezuka]] and [[Jay Z]] were doing their ''[[Animal Crossing]]'' game project. Clyde then decided to make things more interesting and posed as [[Shigeru Miyamoto]] to destroy any chance of the project. Teaming up with [[Reggie Fils-Aimé]], they created the [[Miyamoto Saga]].

[[Julie]] set up a [[Mumble]] chat in which Chris could communicate with [[Trolls|TRUE and HONEST ''Sonichu'' fans]]. Clyde stalked Julie while infiltrating these chats to confront Chris. He began throwing demands to Chris such as [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 10th, 2009|cleaning his room]]. Chris at the same time also bought SonichuandRosechu.com. Clyde got access yet again, this time with the help of Julie. In the end, it was revealed that Julie was a thirteen-year-old boy and that Clyde had staged the whole thing.<ref>[[Julie Reveals Herself]]</ref>

After that, he sent out his trusted [[Man in the Pickle Suit|Hebrew friend]] to scout out Chris's whereabouts. The MIPS turned [[Robert Simmons V]] into a troll and infiltrated [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]].<ref>[[Church Audio]]</ref> He then stole Chris's one and only date, [[Emily]].<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript]]</ref>

When [[Ivy]] came along, he decided to continually harass her and despite Chris making a few threats, Ivy eventually gave in and killed herself.<ref>[[CWC "Boyfriend"]]</ref>

Oh, and Clyde also hacked into the [[PSN]] a few times, but then [[Jack Thaddeus]] did him one better...<ref>[[Chris humps his PS3]]</ref>

And to think all this was done due to Chris not caring about one fan's tragic suicide.

On 22 [[May 2009]], the death of Clyde Cash, by a shotgun wound to the head, was reported by [[The Miscreants]]. The incident was deemed suicide, although some suspected a foul play.

==In the comic==
[[File:Cly.jpg|thumb|left|"Cly" in [[Sonichu Special 1|''Sonichu Special'' #1]].]]
[[Image:ClydeJackGay.JPG|thumb|Artist's depiction of Clyde and Jack's final moments.]]

In the [[comic]], Cly(de) is a villain working for [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. Apart from capturing [[Ivy]] and getting into a fight with Chris, he initially only appeared on [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero]], officially [[Sonichu Special 1|''Sonichu Special'' #1]]. Not much is known about Clyde, other than he lives in a mansion and owns a pickle gun and "slander ray."

He made his first appearance in the comic proper [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] as the 4[[-cent_garbage.com]] building is collapsing. When [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] escapes, he condemns Clyde and [[Jack Thaddeus]] for being [[homo]] trolls. When [[Beel]] escapes, he too condemns the two for their actions, saying that being homo trolls that are "slandering and tarnishing a innocent man's good name" is just as evil as being an assistant for Adolf Hitler. With no option left, Clyde and Jack jump into the 66+6-story elevator shaft to their deaths.

== Currently ==
[[Image:GaySpiderMan.jpg|thumb|Clyde Cash and his buddy [[Jack Thaddeus|Jack]].]]
[[File:ClydeandLovelyweather.jpg|left|thumb|Clyde with [[The Wallflower]].]]
[[File:Chriscash.jpg|thumb|Chris's bizarre attempt to [[100 2267|impersonate Clyde]].]]
After Clyde faked his death for reasons unknown, he came back with a vengeance. Chris is not very pleased.

In late [[2009]], when not battling [[Liquid Chris]] for the hand of [[Kacey]], Chris spent his time trying to convince Clyde Cash, alias Gregg Mays (or "Gregg Mays, alias Clyde Cash," depending on which name he remembers first) to face him in one on one battle. Chris has recorded several feats of strength through a combination of Kacey trying to get him to get into [[obesity|shape]] and a desire to frighten Clyde with his [[Chris and Health|bulging muscles]].

Chris had also a picture to blackmail Clyde, but ultimately nothing came of it other than a series of videos where Chris tries to torture Clyde.<ref>[[ClydeGoingOnGregg1]], [[Clyde's Buddy Matt Getting SUPER-LAID!!!]], [[Clyde is Weaker than Water]], [[Getting Foam Ed]], [[Twin Falling Towers]], [[It will never end]], [[Apology for 9/11 Joke]]</ref> Clyde scoffed at [[No More Jokes|the final video]].

However, because of the negative reaction to [[Sonichu Special 4|''Sonichu Special'' #4]], Chris, in the [[CWCipedia]] mailbag, made clear that he would only sit and talk cooperatively with Clyde to get him to stop harassing him.{{cite}}

Eventually, Chris decided to revisit his old nemesis in [[2010]], believing he was the reason why he lost the heart of "[[The Wallflower]]". In it, he is shown fighting Clyde, then pulling a [[knife]] and [[Don't Mess With Me|slitting Clyde's throat]] as a [[Death threats|warning]] to all [[trolls]].

In another well-thought counter-trolling plan, Christian unsuccessfully [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails|attempted to scam Clyde]] into paying Chris $9,001 for destroying his own [[PS3]]. This almost fail-proof scheme was however foiled thanks to [[Surfshack Tito]]'s vigilance.

==Fan videos==
{{collapsible
|Clyde Cash Fan Videos
|
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris-chan Loves Clyde Cash
| video = {{#ev:youtube|73jIxs5yQLg}}
| Stardate = 17 [[April 2009]]
| Maker = [http://www.youtube.com/user/CWCvillelulz CWCvillelulz]
| Subject =
| Video Type =
| Other Info = It's a love/hate relationship.
}}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris-Chan KILLED Clyde Cash (Never-Before-Seen Footage)
| video = {{#ev:youtube|FiTVga0G8Ws}}
| Stardate = 7 [[June 2009]]
| Maker = [http://www.youtube.com/user/TheClydeCash TheClydeCash]
| Subject =
| Video Type =
| Other Info =
}}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Particle-chan
| video = {{#ev:youtube|NrhdImejktI}}
| Stardate = 1 [[July 2009]]
| Maker = [http://www.youtube.com/user/PodMonkeyCWC PodMonkeyCWC]
| Subject =
| Video Type =
| Other Info =
}}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Shit Was So Cash!
| video = {{#ev:youtube|32XiZC2yG1Y}}
| Stardate = 25 [[April 2010]]
| Maker = Psycatalyst
| Subject =
| Video Type =
| Other Info =
}}
}}
==See also==
{{Fan art}}
*[[A CWC Audition]]
*[[(Clyde's) Trollsta's Paradise]]
==Sauces==
<references />
==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/TheGreggMays Gregg's YouTube account]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?jmmyzlznhfa Post-date Conversations] - The part with Clyde begins at about 4:35.
*[http://en.tackfilm.se/?id=1263141624839RA18 An International Tribute to Teh Graet Clyde Cash.]
{{Clyde Saga}}
{{Trolls}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Cash, Clyde}}
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category: Clyde Cash Saga]]

Ian Brandon Anderson

2011-02-10T21:17:29Z

Canelle: /* LIQUID LIVES! */ references

{{Protip|If you're going to call Chris "Ian" on CWCki, do so only in the context of this saga.}}

[[Image:Sweetheartfromthegroundup.jpg|thumb|left|Ian the [[Sonee]] (and child) rapist.]]
[[Image:Nochian notopher.gif|frame|right|IAN BRANDON ANDERSON!!]]
[[File:JAELou2.jpg|thumb|IBA Chandler (right) with some unrelated fatass (left)]]

'''Ian Brandon Anderson''' (born '''Issac Brandon Anderson''', 24 February [[1982]]) is a psychopathic [[troll]] who took delight in impersonating and slandering the good name of [[Liquid Chris|Christian Weston Chandler]]. The existence of this impostor was not generally known until summer [[2009]], when he opened his own [[YouTube]] account, "'''IBAChandler'''", in direct opposition to the [[True and Honest]] Chris at [[CChanSonichuCWC]]. For the sake of clarity, the Sonichu [[fan base]] has come to refer to the real Chris as "[[Liquid Chris]]", while the impostor has been dubbed "Solid Chris".

At first glance, the two men appear identical, attesting to the diabolical skill of the impostor. However, upon closer inspection, many differences become apparent, each subtle variation serving to establish Liquid as the [[TRUE and HONEST]] Chris-chan. For example, although Ian does indeed have [[heterochromia]], one of his eyes is blue and the other is BROWN, not GREEN. Also, while not easily seen by the untrained eye, Solid is considerably overweight. This is in stark contrast with [[Christian Weston Chandler (character)|the slim, athletic, autistic hero]] depicted in the official [[Sonichu comic]]s. Finally, whereas Chris has spent a lifetime extolling the virtues of abstinence from [[alcohol]] and [[homos]]exuality, the impostor is a [[Chris's Big Night Out|heavy drinker]], and has admitted to [[Recycling|swallowing semen]].

The extent of Ian's imposture may never truly be known, since it is difficult for historians to discern which footage depicts the real CWC or the fake. It is now believed that many of the actions that [[trolls]] once ascribed to the real Chris were in fact perpetrated by Ian posting videos in Chris's [[YouTube]] accounts. This has resulted in a reconciliation between Liquid and the trolls, as they have come to recognize Ian as a mutual threat.

==Exposure==

{{Infobox/Liquid
| name = C.W.C. Impostor is REVEALED (True & Original Parents Discussed)
| video = {{#ev:youtube|Yjt2S8FV4Sk}}
| Stardate = 3 [[August 2009]]
| Maker = [[Liquid Chris]]
| Subject Matter = {{Rumours|text}}
| Shirt = {{BrownLiquidShirt|text}}
| Other = The [[Solid Chris|fake Chris-chan]] is revealed to be none other than the evil Ian Brandon Anderson at 2:46.
| previous = [[SingStar Challenge Round 3#CChanSonichuCWC's Entry|Heaven]]
| next = [[SingStar Challenge Round 4#CChanSonichuCWC's Entry|Think Twice]]
}}

By [[June 2009]], the real Chris's reputation was in shambles, having been accused of receiving cybersex from young boys<ref>[[Julie Reveals Herself]]</ref> and distributing a video of himself copulating with a sex doll.<ref>[[For Julie's Eyes Only]]</ref> Perhaps letting this success go to his head, Ian Brandon Anderson became sloppy. He is believed to have hacked the CChanSonichu YouTube account on 5 [[June 2009]], posting a series of videos which suggested that Chris is [[gay]]. After pretending to be Chris "regaining" the account on 10 June, Ian began posting a series of videos apparently showing Chris experimenting with [[alcohol]]]ic beverages (and risking death in a quick-crash second). The thought of Chris betraying his ideals to this degree raised serious doubts about the veracity of the videos, although an explanation defied the Sonichu fan base.

Finally, on 21 June 2009, the answers became clear when the real Chris returned to YouTube on a new account, CChanSonichuCWC. In his first video on this account, Liquid described having been absent from YouTube for a considerable time, leading fans to ask "if the real Chris hasn't been posting videos on CChanSonichu, who has?" The situation exploded on 3 [[July 2009]] when Liquid was finally made aware of the impostor usurping his old account. Although Solid's true identity had not been established, his existence was now out in the open, and true and loyal Sonichu fans would begin to spot the myriad of tiny imperfections in his disguise.

Perhaps feeling this pressure, Ian [[The July 10th Messages|lashed out on 10 July]], causing the CChanSonichu account to be suspended altogether. It was at this point that Ian made his most fatal mistake, by not simply hacking into Liquid's YouTube but creating one of his own. Unable to contain his own hubris, the impostor could not help but to give a subtle clue with his new username: IBAChandler.

[[Image:Tgtdfw4.jpg|thumb|IBA and [[Liquid Chris]]]]

Seeking to destroy Liquid's reputation once and for all, Solid posted [[Rollin' and Trollin']] on 17 July, which claimed that the Christian Weston Chandler we all knew and loved had never really existed at all, and that it was all Solid playing a character to troll the loyal fan base. For the first time, fans saw the impostor in a new light—with a filthy beard, ill-fitting clothes which revealed his girth, and hideous tattoos along his arms—and realized that this man could not be Chris. Fans now flocked to CChanSonichuCWC, realizing that he was indeed the one.

His coup de grace having backfired, Ian posted [[CWC Trollin More]] on 19 July, claiming that the 17 July video had been a deception and that he really was what he had claimed to be. But by now it was too late.

==CWCivil War==

Using Liquid's announcement of official Sonichu merchandise for sale as a pretext, on [[Captain's Log, Stardate July 22nd, 2009|22 July]] Solid began to decry Liquid as the impostor. Of course, since Liquid really ''isn't'' the impostor, Solid was forced to use some extremely bizarre reasoning to prove his assertion, focusing primarily on the absurd claim that Liquid's beloved [[Sonichu medallion]] is made of paper. Solid also proceeded to leave inflammatory comments on Liquid's videos:

{{quote|"GIVE IT UP, Dumbass. YOU are Not Me, the Real CWC, and you Wish you Were. I Challenge you to Sow yourself in my Real Life Presence, O I can really give you a piece of my mind.

No Peace, Christian C."}}

{{Quote|"Hey, DUMBASS! YOU WISH YOU WERE ME! I would say YOU are Stuck... IN MINUS-SECOND-GEAR!

I am Calling YOU OUT!

14 Branchland Ct. Ruckersville, VA BEFORE August 2, 2009. If you really WANT to be me, then Come Face Me.

oh, BTW, YOUR NASAL VOICE IS MORE GRATING THAN THE WORD "NAIVE", and METAL NAILS ON THE CHALKBOARD.

But "Naive" is even WORSE than NAILS.

You are a Nerd and a Whimp!

Have a good day. Christopher Christian Weston Chandler"}}

Of course, this challenge is insincere on its face. Since Liquid ''lives'' at 14 Branchland Ct, there was nowhere for him to go, and nothing to force Solid to show up.

In their next confrontation on 26 July, Liquid announced the development of a Sonichu video game and the beginning of his relationship with [[Kacey]]. He also revealed crucial information he had uncovered about his hated doppleganger:

<blockquote>
It is I again, Christian Weston Chandler. NOT Christopher Christian Weston Chandler as EVERYONE KNOWS I Changed my name FROM Christopher to Christian (PS: That Troll, as Some have now Informed Me, his Real Name is IAN BRANDON ANDERSON).
</blockquote>

Solid also [[Captain's Log, Stardate July 26, 2009|posted a video on 26 July]], apparently believing that showing a few printouts of Sonichu comics, which anyone can obtain, proves that he is the one who drew them. By now it was clear that Ian's modus operandi would be to attempt to prove his claims by demonstrating skills that the real Christian Weston Chandler also possessed. On 29 July Solid played ''[[CWC More Than A Feeling|Guitar Hero]]'' and spoke [[Captain's Log, Stardate July 29th, 2009#Addendum|in Spanish]]; Liquid responded by playing a real guitar and speaking four languages. Finally, in a dramatic demonstration, Ian [[Christian Weston Chandler - It Took Me Weeks to Perfect that Goatee, but it WILL Grow Back|shaved off his beard]], as if we would somehow forget that he had one in the first place.

<center>{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Denial: The Ian Brandon Anderson Story (trailer)
| video = {{#ev:youtube|iS42GGu2f2o}}
| Stardate = 29 [[November 2009]]
| Maker = [http://www.youtube.com/user/GodAndTheBearFilms GodAndTheBearFilms]
| Subject = Ian Brandon Anderson
| Video Type = Moch-Trailer
}}</center>

==Contact with Kacey==

While harassing Liquid, Ian attempted to manipulate his true sweetheart and future wife [[Kacey]]. [[Kacey Phone Call|Ian spoke to Kacey over the phone]], posing as Liquid. Of course, since Ian has perfected his impersonation, even Kacey was unable to tell who she was really speaking to, causing her to reveal mature honest content and endure Ian's disgusting sexual advances. Ian would also attempt to convince Kacey that he is the true Chris in [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|a video]], where he obviously spliced together footage of Liquid drawing Sonichu with footage of Solid holding up a printout of the same drawing. Ian has consistently shown affection toward Kacey, going so far as to suggest he can only tolerate Liquid out of respect for Kacey's feelings. It is evident that this is merely a ploy to make himself look like the bigger man and thereby seduce Kacey into becoming his Woman Slave.

==SingStar Challenge==

{{main|SingStar Challenge}}

Having clearly lost his nerve in the face of the true CWC, Ian Brandon Anderson issued a challenge to Liquid, in which they would each sing five songs and let a panel of six judges (chosen by the Chrises) determine the winner. The wisdom of this proposal was seriously questioned, as it is well known that the TRUE and HONEST Chris has the voice of an angel with a [[Sonichu_Girls#Chris.27s_Posts_on_Sonichu_Girls|Frank Sinatra or Bing Crosby flavor]]. Trolls and Sonichu fans alike considered the SingStar Challenge to be a referendum on the issue of who, indeed, is the real Chris-chan.

Halfway through the contest, it was already apparent that Liquid was winning. A visibly defeated Ian began appealing to Chris's famously deep spirituality, and requested that Liquid's final song be "Lift Up Your Eyes". However, Liquid, in a daring gambit, responded by forcing the impostor to sing "Smell Yo Dick". Ian resisted, but eventually sang the song perfectly, demonstrating that he cannot be the true Chris because he likes to smell men's dicks. In the aftermath of the contest, Solid has repeatedly insisted that there was never anything at stake, and that Liquid's overwhelming victory settled nothing.

==Shit just got real==

Immediately after Chris's announcement that he would be leaving YouTube to focus on the Sonichu media empire and his beloved fiance Kacey, a video was posted on his account in which Liquid is seen restrained in a filthy room while Ian Brandon Anderson taunts him. It is believed that, as of this writing, Ian has invaded 14 Branchland Ct., captured Chris, and gained access to Chris's YouTube account. Thus far, Ian's own YouTube account has shown no indication of these events, perhaps to establish a veil of plausible deniability.

As a result of Ian's kidnapping of Chris, it can be presumed that any further authentication Ian presents has been illegally obtained from Liquid's home. Future videos in which Ian holds up academic degrees, photo albums, and Sonichu artwork cannot be taken at face value, and should not be considered evidence that Ian Brandon Anderson is the real Christopher Christian Ricardo Weston Chandler.

CWCki joins the rest of the Sonichu community in hoping for a speedy resolution to this nightmare, and offers their prayers for the safe return of Liquid Chris.

==LIQUID LIVES!==

On 15 October, a video was posted on Liquid's account, explaining how Ian kidnapped him, apparently raped while he was unconscious and left him for dead in the Sahara desert. However, being the butthurt retard he is, Ian soon after posted a video denying everything.

==Sauces==
<references />

{{The_Cwcivil_War_of_2009}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Anderson, Ian Brandon}}
[[Category:Liquid Saga]][[Category: Chris's alter egos]]

Chaotic Crystals

2011-02-09T05:38:52Z

Canelle: Redirected page to Sonichu Balls

#REDIRECT [[Sonichu Balls]]