CWCki - User contributions [en]

Emily

2021-07-16T14:17:40Z

Chris-Chad:

:''This article is about the troll sweetheart who went on a date with Chris on 16 March 2009. For the "Emily" identity that Chris assumed as Twitter handle "NightStar2891", see [[Night Star#Twitter sockpuppet|NightStar2891]]''.

{{Troll|She was played by the same person behind [[Kim Wilson]].<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-21#post-1741637</ref>}}

{{DeadLinks}}

{{infobox
| title = Emily
| image = [[Image:Emilyy.jpg|75px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Emily Julia Schifflet
|label2 = Date of birth
|data2 = c. 1990 (age {{age|1990|1|1}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Female
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = [[Troll]]
|
}}

'''Emily Julia Schifflet'''<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Chris fails at flirting (0:32:12–0:36:48)]]</ref> (born c. 1990) is [[Chris]]'s onetime [[sweetheart]] with whom he went on a date. The date memorably ended in disaster when he was trolled IRL by a [[Man in the Pickle Suit|man dressed like a pickle]].

Emily's identity is zealously guarded by her friends, but needless to say, we can tell you she's female and has great legs. Some argue she's Asian, but those people are [[Sweetheart#Qualifications|probably]] [[slow-in-the-minds]].

==Chris's first date==
{{main|Emily Date Conversation Transcript}}
In [[2009#March|March 2009]], shortly after [[Julie]] turned out to be a thirteen-year-old boy, Chris vowed that he would return to his real-life exploits of [[Attraction Sign|stalking women in public places]] in order to gain his [[sweetheart]]. Emily, a journalism student and head of the [[Sonichu Girls]] chapter at [[Wikipedia:West Virginia University|West Virginia University]] (and totally not a [[troll]]), decided to take Chris up on his offer and asked if he'd liked to go out to lunch sometime.

Chris actually stood up Emily the first time, on 16 [[March 2009]], because he was so [[stress|stressed]] from his parents arguing over whether she was real or not. [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] believed that Emily was sincere and truly wanted to meet Chris, while [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] was more suspicious. Chris's small mind could not handle two simultaneous arguments and so he didn't go.<ref>[[Apology to Emily]]</ref> Emily was pissed off about this and demanded that Chris reschedule. Chris agreed and a new date was set.

When Chris finally did meet up for the date (on 19 March 2009 at [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]]), he brought his 81-year-old father, [[Bob Chandler]], along. Yes, he brought his dad on his first date. [[Prom|At least it wasn't his mother]].

Chris would later confide to Ivy that he was very proud that he did not [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|soil himself]] when the Pickle Man appeared.<ref>[[Ivy Q&A]]</ref>

===Kiss fail===
[[Image:0606-CWC21-2.jpg|thumb|For reference, this is Chris in his kissing stance.]]

{{quote|Well, when I was going to ditch him for [[Man in the Pickle Suit|the man in the picklesuit]], Chris had his arm extended like he wanted a hug. So I was like, "sure, whatever" and was just going to give him a half assed hug. Lord, what a dumb move. I'm a small girl, so I have narrow shoulders. His [[Mass debating|large fucking arm]] basically weighed down around my neck over my shoulder and tightening, and what I could see in the corner of my eye was Chris puckering his lips and his face moving closer to mine. I did a [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|duck and turn]] to avoid it. If I seriously turned my head to get a better look, he may have well have gotten my lips. I wonder if that was what Chris was going for; the surprise kiss on the lips when the girl turns her head. Too bad that only works in [[anime]] and [[Netflix|movies]]. [[Liquid Chris|Or really suave guys]].|Emily}}

===Post-date conversation===
<center>{{#ev:youtube|mErqFLo1A7U}}</center>

'''Clyde:''' Sorry.
 '''Chris:''' What's up?
 '''Emily:''' I think we need to talk.
 '''Chris:''' Okay.
 '''Emily:''' Becau— It's not me, Chris. It's you. And, you know, I was just thinking about yesterday. I really didn't appreciate you, like, [[Megan|touching]] me all the time.
 '''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what?
 '''Emily:''' I di— I didn't appreciate you, like, constantly touching me, okay? You'd, like, just met me, and you were touching me constantly.
 '''Chris:''' Oh. I'm sorry.
 '''Emily:''' [''interrupting''] I mean, you should never do that to a woman on, like, you know, one that you just met. And especially when you try, like... You tried to kiss me, okay? That's not right at all.
 '''Chris:''' I'm so sorry, I was a little nervous. I was nervous, a little bit.
 '''Emily:''' Why would you try to kiss somebody when— If you're nervous? I mean, I thought, like, people would be nervous and ''not'' try to kiss somebody.
 '''Chris:''' I don't—
 '''Emily:''' But anyways. Let me tell you about—
 '''Chris:''' Anyway.
 '''Emily:''' You'll probably ne— You'll probably never hear from me again, Chris, because The Pickle Man was just— He was a perfect gentleman, okay? He, like, took me out on a date and paid for my movie, and, like, since he kept his hands off of me, he got, like, a little extra ''extra'' from me, and that could have been you, Chris. Okay? So— And then he took me to meet Clyde, and Clyde's, like, a perfect gentleman as well. So, I'm going to be living in his mansion from now on.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm... Anyway, did you get back to West Virginia okay?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. Well, I didn't exactly go back to West Virginia; I'm going to be living with Clyde now, with, uh, with [[Julie]], and [[Blanca]], and [[Sarah]], and everyone else, Chris. Do you understand?
 '''Chris:''' I see.
 '''Emily:''' Like, like, since... You don't understand, like, all the women that you've mistreated in the past, they're living with Clyde because he is rehabilitating them.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm... I see... [''pause''] Well, I don't know what to say.
 '''Emily:''' So, do you have anything else to say?
 '''Chris:''' Umm... Well, this is the, uh... Well, uh, all I can say is, uh, I’m sorry about if you feel— If you feel— If I— That if I mistreated you, and, uh, somewhat, if you— If you felt like I, uh, did wrong.
 '''Emily:''' Because I don't know why— Why you have, like against, like, these men in the...pickle suits or whatever. Because he was just a guy in a pickle suit. I don’t understand, like, what was so, like, threatening about him. And apparently, you, like, called the cops on him? I mean, what did he do wrong? How you gotta report him? Saying that, like, a guy in a pickle suit's, like, stole your date.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I think in the past, uh, there, uh, yeah, Guy in The Pickle Suit posed as, uh, Blanca.
 '''Emily:''' But, I mean—
 '''Chris:''' And, uh...
 '''Emily:''' You, like, didn’t know this guy, and you’re already passing judgment on him, and you’re already, like… You passed judgment on thi— On Clyde, okay? Clyde’s like, the nicest guy ever, okay? He is, like… He is gonna be, like, taking care of me for the rest of the li— Rest of my life. ‘Cause he is loaded with cash.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm...
 '''Emily:''' Hence why his last name is "Cash".
 '''Chris:''' I see. Well, anyway, uh, if that’s what you want, uh, I can’t, uh, force you or anyth— Or anything else. So, uh—
 '''Emily:''' But, Chris, you should be careful [''Chris overlapping, indistinct'']. But you should be careful, Chris, on, like, all the women that you encounter, you better make sure that you treat them properly, do not touch them on the first date; [[Women's rights|don’t try to fucking kiss them]], and, you know, you’ll have no problems, but if you do, you know, the pickle men will come and take them away, and take them to Clyde, and he is gonna take care of them for the rest of their lives as well.
 '''Chris:''' I see. Alright. Okay. Alright, well, you— You take care of yourself.
 '''Clyde:''' Hey, why don't you take care of yourself, too, Chris, okay?
 '''Chris:''' Uh, yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

''For the second part of this audio, which is unrelated to Emily, see [[Hooker_incident|The Hooker Incident]].''

==Hindsight==
On 17 [[April 2009]], a [[white knight]]/counter-troll named Harbal revealed to Chris by email that Emily was a troll and that she wore a wire during her date with Chris. In said email, Chris was also directed to audios of his conversations with Emily on the website of [[The Miscreants]].<ref>[[White knight E-mails#17 April 2009 — Harbal]]</ref> On 31 [[August 2009]], Chris mentioned learning from the The Miscreants's website that Emily wore a wire during their date,<ref>[[Kacey Call 24]]</ref> suggesting that he did not ignore Harbal's email.

An individual named Emily is referred to in several chats from the [[Vanessa Saga]]. During [[Vanessa AIM Chat 6]], [[Vanessa AIM Chat 8]] and [[Vanessa AIM Chat 9]] (conducted on 21, 27 and 30 [[April 2009]] respectively) Chris was simultaneously instant messaging this Emily and chatting with [[Joshua Martinez]] (posing as [[Vanessa Hudgens]]). In Vanessa AIM Chat 8, Chris mentions having met this Emily and also says that she has a bodyguard (the reason for this is not specified). It is unknown whether or not this Emily is the same person as the Emily who met Chris in Charlottesville Fashion Square.

All the references to the Emily from the Vanessa saga came after Harbal's email. Therefore, if we assume that two Emilys are indeed the same, an explanation is needed as to why Chris continued being in contact with her despite Harbal's warning. It may that be it took a while for Chris to come to terms with the information that was sent to him. Harbal also told Chris that Ivy was a troll, and yet Chris continued being in contact with her afterwards.<ref>[[For My Sweetest Ivy]]</ref>

Emily may have been referenced by Chris In [[Sonichu 9#Episode 19: Date Ed (Even Though the Idea Sounds Dated)|episode 19]] of [[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]. The [[dating education]] class on which the story focuses has a student named Emily Ryan and a student named Fred Shiflet, whose last name is the same as that of Emily. In the final exam of Date Ed Fred gets a 91 and Emily gets an 82.<ref>''[[Sonichu 9]]'', pp. [http://web.archive.org/web/20140825120007/http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_9/Page_5 5], [http://web.archive.org/web/20140825151950/http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_9/Page_29 29]/</ref> Emily and Fred receiving good grades might suggest that Chris's view of Emily was not completely negative when he made episode 19.

On the other hand, in the [[CWCipedia]] article [[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts]], which Chris wrote on 19–20 [[April 2010]],<ref>See the articles's [http://web.archive.org/web/20140825132112/https://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Gal-Pals_and_Past_Sweethearts&action=history revision history].</ref> Emily's name is mentioned nowhere. The discrepancy might be explained by the fact that episode 19 was finished on 12 [[April 2009]],<ref>[[CWC Update 12 April 2009]]</ref> prior to Harbal's email, while Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts was written long afterwards.

==Other aliases==
{{see also|Gal Pal E-mails|Gal Pal E-mails 2|Gal Pal E-mails 3|Gal Pal E-mails 4}}
In September 2016, a user on Kiwi Farms leaked several emails from Chris, and revealed that she is Emily.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1727792</ref>

She also mentioned that she has played many different roles to Chris (including [[Kim Wilson]]), demonstrating the severity of his facial blindness, as those roles required meeting him face-to-face, with Chris being unaware that they were the same person.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-5#post-1725752</ref><ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1726713</ref><ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1726756</ref>

{{quotebox|Generally speaking. I mean, I've been multiple different IRL people to Chris.

One of my roles he has hung out with quite a few times and this character came to be after a certain pickle incident which was maybe a few weeks later...? Aside from those, I've bumped into him around town.

He's never called out to me. Sometimes I'll say "hi" in passing to see if it'll illicit anything but he's pretty fucking clueless. Back when I first started I was so worried about him recognizing me places but now it doesn't phase me. }}

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
* [http://www.mediafire.com/?gng0nnylr15nd3a Post-date Conversations]

{{People}}

[[Category:Sweethearts]]
[[Category:Trolls]]

Emily

2021-07-16T14:10:07Z

Chris-Chad:

:''This article is about the troll sweetheart who went on a date with Chris on 16 March 2009. For the "Emily" identity that Chris assumed as Twitter handle "NightStar2891", see [[Night Star#Twitter sockpuppet|NightStar2891]]''.

{{Troll|She was played by the same person behind [[Kim Wilson]].<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-21#post-1741637</ref>}}

{{DeadLinks}}

{{infobox
| title = Emily
| image = [[Image:Emilyy.jpg|75px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Emily Julia Schifflet
|label2 = Date of birth
|data2 = c. 1990 (age {{age|1990|1|1}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Female
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Occupation
|data7 = [[Troll]]
|
}}

'''Emily Julia Schifflet'''<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Chris fails at flirting (0:32:12–0:36:48)]]</ref> (born c. 1990) is [[Chris]]'s onetime [[sweetheart]] with whom he went on a date. The date memorably ended in disaster when he was trolled IRL by a [[Man in the Pickle Suit|man dressed like a pickle]].

Emily's identity is zealously guarded by her friends, but needless to say, we can tell you she's female and has great legs. Some argue she's Asian, but those people are [[Sweetheart#Qualifications|probably]] [[slow-in-the-minds]].

==Chris's first date==
{{main|Emily Date Conversation Transcript}}
In [[2009#March|March 2009]], shortly after [[Julie]] turned out to be a thirteen-year-old boy, Chris vowed that he would return to his real-life exploits of [[Attraction Sign|stalking women in public places]] in order to gain his [[sweetheart]]. Emily, a journalism student and head of the [[Sonichu Girls]] chapter at [[Wikipedia:West Virginia University|West Virginia University]] (and totally not a [[troll]]), decided to take Chris up on his offer and asked if he'd liked to go out to lunch sometime.

Chris actually stood up Emily the first time, on 16 [[March 2009]], because he was so [[stress|stressed]] from his parents arguing over whether she was real or not. [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] believed that Emily was sincere and truly wanted to meet Chris, while [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] was more suspicious. Chris's small mind could not handle two simultaneous arguments and so he didn't go.<ref>[[Apology to Emily]]</ref> Emily was pissed off about this and demanded that Chris reschedule. Chris agreed and a new date was set.

When Chris finally did meet up for the date (on 19 March 2009 at [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]]), he brought his 81-year-old father, [[Bob Chandler]], along. Yes, he brought his dad on his first date. [[Prom|At least it wasn't his mother]].

Chris would later confide to Ivy that he was very proud that he did not [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|soil himself]] when the Pickle Man appeared.<ref>[[Ivy Q&A]]</ref>

===Kiss fail===
[[Image:0606-CWC21-2.jpg|thumb|For reference, this is Chris in his kissing stance.]]

{{quote|Well, when I was going to ditch him for [[Man in the Pickle Suit|the man in the picklesuit]], Chris had his arm extended like he wanted a hug. So I was like, "sure, whatever" and was just going to give him a half assed hug. Lord, what a dumb move. I'm a small girl, so I have narrow shoulders. His [[Mass debating|large fucking arm]] basically weighed down around my neck over my shoulder and tightening, and what I could see in the corner of my eye was Chris puckering his lips and his face moving closer to mine. I did a [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|duck and turn]] to avoid it. If I seriously turned my head to get a better look, he may have well have gotten my lips. I wonder if that was what Chris was going for; the surprise kiss on the lips when the girl turns her head. Too bad that only works in [[anime]] and [[Netflix|movies]]. [[Liquid Chris|Or really suave guys]].|Emily}}

===Post-date conversation===
<center>{{#ev:youtube|mErqFLo1A7U}}</center>

'''Clyde:''' Sorry.
 '''Chris:''' What's up?
 '''Emily:''' I think we need to talk.
 '''Chris:''' Okay.
 '''Emily:''' Becau— It's not me, Chris. It's you. And, you know, I was just thinking about yesterday. I really didn't appreciate you, like, [[Megan|touching]] me all the time.
 '''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what?
 '''Emily:''' I di— I didn't appreciate you, like, constantly touching me, okay? You'd, like, just met me, and you were touching me constantly.
 '''Chris:''' Oh. I'm sorry.
 '''Emily:''' [''interrupting''] I mean, you should never do that to a woman on, like, you know, one that you just met. And especially when you try, like... You tried to kiss me, okay? That's not right at all.
 '''Chris:''' I'm so sorry, I was a little nervous. I was nervous, a little bit.
 '''Emily:''' Why would you try to kiss somebody when— If you're nervous? I mean, I thought, like, people would be nervous and ''not'' try to kiss somebody.
 '''Chris:''' I don't—
 '''Emily:''' But anyways. Let me tell you about—
 '''Chris:''' Anyway.
 '''Emily:''' You'll probably ne— You'll probably never hear from me again, Chris, because The Pickle Man was just— He was a perfect gentleman, okay? He, like, took me out on a date and paid for my movie, and, like, since he kept his hands off of me, he got, like, a little extra ''extra'' from me, and that could have been you, Chris. Okay? So— And then he took me to meet Clyde, and Clyde's, like, a perfect gentleman as well. So, I'm going to be living in his mansion from now on.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm... Anyway, did you get back to West Virginia okay?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. Well, I didn't exactly go back to West Virginia; I'm going to be living with Clyde now, with, uh, with [[Julie]], and [[Blanca]], and [[Sarah]], and everyone else, Chris. Do you understand?
 '''Chris:''' I see.
 '''Emily:''' Like, like, since... You don't understand, like, all the women that you've mistreated in the past, they're living with Clyde because he is rehabilitating them.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm... I see... [''pause''] Well, I don't know what to say.
 '''Emily:''' So, do you have anything else to say?
 '''Chris:''' Umm... Well, this is the, uh... Well, uh, all I can say is, uh, I’m sorry about if you feel— If you feel— If I— That if I mistreated you, and, uh, somewhat, if you— If you felt like I, uh, did wrong.
 '''Emily:''' Because I don't know why— Why you have, like against, like, these men in the...pickle suits or whatever. Because he was just a guy in a pickle suit. I don’t understand, like, what was so, like, threatening about him. And apparently, you, like, called the cops on him? I mean, what did he do wrong? How you gotta report him? Saying that, like, a guy in a pickle suit's, like, stole your date.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I think in the past, uh, there, uh, yeah, Guy in The Pickle Suit posed as, uh, Blanca.
 '''Emily:''' But, I mean—
 '''Chris:''' And, uh...
 '''Emily:''' You, like, didn’t know this guy, and you’re already passing judgment on him, and you’re already, like… You passed judgment on thi— On Clyde, okay? Clyde’s like, the nicest guy ever, okay? He is, like… He is gonna be, like, taking care of me for the rest of the li— Rest of my life. ‘Cause he is loaded with cash.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm...
 '''Emily:''' Hence why his last name is "Cash".
 '''Chris:''' I see. Well, anyway, uh, if that’s what you want, uh, I can’t, uh, force you or anyth— Or anything else. So, uh—
 '''Emily:''' But, Chris, you should be careful [''Chris overlapping, indistinct'']. But you should be careful, Chris, on, like, all the women that you encounter, you better make sure that you treat them properly, do not touch them on the first date; [[Women's rights|don’t try to fucking kiss them]], and, you know, you’ll have no problems, but if you do, you know, the pickle men will come and take them away, and take them to Clyde, and he is gonna take care of them for the rest of their lives as well.
 '''Chris:''' I see. Alright. Okay. Alright, well, you— You take care of yourself.
 '''Clyde:''' Hey, why don't you take care of yourself, too, Chris, okay?
 '''Chris:''' Uh, yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

''For the second part of this audio, which is unrelated to Emily, see [[Hooker_incident|The Hooker Incident]].''

==Hindsight==
On 17 [[April 2009]], a [[white knight]]/counter-troll named Harbal revealed to Chris by email that Emily was a troll and that she wore a wire during her date with Chris. In said email, Chris was also directed to audios of his conversations with Emily on the website of [[The Miscreants]].<ref>[[White knight E-mails#17 April 2009 — Harbal]]</ref> On 31 [[August 2009]], Chris mentioned learning from the The Miscreants's website that Emily wore a wire during their date,<ref>[[Kacey Call 24]]</ref> suggesting that he did not ignore Harbal's email.

An individual named Emily is referred to in several chats from the [[Vanessa Saga]]. During [[Vanessa AIM Chat 6]], [[Vanessa AIM Chat 8]] and [[Vanessa AIM Chat 9]] (conducted on 21, 27 and 30 [[April 2009]] respectively) Chris was simultaneously instant messaging this Emily and chatting with [[Joshua Martinez]] (posing as [[Vanessa Hudgens]]). In Vanessa AIM Chat 8, Chris mentions having met this Emily and also says that she has a bodyguard (the reason for this is not specified). It is unknown whether or not this Emily is the same person as the Emily who met Chris in Charlottesville Fashion Square.

All the references to the Emily from the Vanessa saga came after Harbal's email. Therefore, if we assume that two Emilys are indeed the same, an explanation is needed as to why Chris continued being in contact with her despite Harbal's warning. It may that be it took a while for Chris to come to terms with the information that was sent to him. Harbal also told Chris that Ivy was a troll, and yet Chris continued being in contact with her afterwards.<ref>[[For My Sweetest Ivy]]</ref>

Emily may have been referenced by Chris In [[Sonichu 9#Episode 19: Date Ed (Even Though the Idea Sounds Dated)|episode 19]] of [[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]. The [[dating education]] class on which the story focuses has a student named Emily Ryan and a student named Fred Shiflet, whose last name is the same as that of Emily. In the final exam of Date Ed Fred gets a 91 and Emily gets an 82.<ref>''[[Sonichu 9]]'', pp. [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_9/Page_5 5], [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_9/Page_29 29]/</ref> Emily and Fred receiving good grades might suggest that Chris's view of Emily was not completely negative when he made episode 19.

On the other hand, in the [[CWCipedia]] article [[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts]], which Chris wrote on 19–20 [[April 2010]],<ref>See the articles's [http://web.archive.org/web/20140825132112/https://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Gal-Pals_and_Past_Sweethearts&action=history revision history].</ref> Emily's name is mentioned nowhere. The discrepancy might be explained by the fact that episode 19 was finished on 12 [[April 2009]],<ref>[[CWC Update 12 April 2009]]</ref> prior to Harbal's email, while Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts was written long afterwards.

==Other aliases==
{{see also|Gal Pal E-mails|Gal Pal E-mails 2|Gal Pal E-mails 3|Gal Pal E-mails 4}}
In September 2016, a user on Kiwi Farms leaked several emails from Chris, and revealed that she is Emily.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1727792</ref>

She also mentioned that she has played many different roles to Chris (including [[Kim Wilson]]), demonstrating the severity of his facial blindness, as those roles required meeting him face-to-face, with Chris being unaware that they were the same person.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-5#post-1725752</ref><ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1726713</ref><ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1726756</ref>

{{quotebox|Generally speaking. I mean, I've been multiple different IRL people to Chris.

One of my roles he has hung out with quite a few times and this character came to be after a certain pickle incident which was maybe a few weeks later...? Aside from those, I've bumped into him around town.

He's never called out to me. Sometimes I'll say "hi" in passing to see if it'll illicit anything but he's pretty fucking clueless. Back when I first started I was so worried about him recognizing me places but now it doesn't phase me. }}

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
* [http://www.mediafire.com/?gng0nnylr15nd3a Post-date Conversations]

{{People}}

[[Category:Sweethearts]]
[[Category:Trolls]]

Jack Thaddeus

2021-07-13T16:46:40Z

Chris-Chad:

{{DeadLinks}}

{{Troll|He was not ADF / Phillip V. Haskins-DeLici / Ahuviya Rotem Harel / Isabel Rosa Araujo, but a user pretending to be that person named CrassCrab.}}

{{Quote|Jack Thaddeus! Give me back my [[PlayStation Network]]s accounts, you expert hacker! You, you [[Chris and English|ir—rational expert]]! Motherfucking [[Chris and religion|burning-in-Hell]] hacker!|Chris on Jack<ref>[[Chris humps his PS3]]</ref>}}

{{infobox
| title = Jack Thaddeus
| image = [[Image:Ahuvia.png|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Phillip V. Haskins-DeLici
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 = Jack Thaddeus CrassCrab JThadius JThadeus Felipe Delicias David Crass ADF
|label3 = Date of Birth
|data3 = [[1985|12 August 1985]] (aged {{age|1985|12|8}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male [[Tomgirl|Transwoman]]
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
}}

'''Jack Thaddeus''' (born 12 August 1985) is a [[troll]] responsible for various [[PSN]]-related trollings with [[Chris]]. He is also a [[homo]].<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]</ref> He helped bring about the beginning of the [[Liquid Chris]] saga.<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails#7/19/09|The Mysterious Man at Otakon]]</ref>

During the [[Calling out]] saga, Chris was manipulated into "outing" him as [[Internet]] lolcow '''Ahuviya Rotem Harel''' ("ADF"), a noted [[cosplay]]er, [[Michael Snyder|JEW]], [[Molvanîa|communist]], and [[Asperger's syndrome|"Aspergian"]], sparking a brief exchange of words between the two, before [[Bob]]'s death forced the end of the saga.

==Fictional biography==
===Social engineering===
[[File:Jack_thadeuschu.png|thumb|left|200px|Jack Thaddeus Sonichu.]]

Jack worked with his daughter [[Samantha Thaddeus]], who Chris handed his passwords to, in order to "hack" into his PSN accounts. Jack then seized multiple accounts, using them to blackmail Chris into [[Chris humps his PS3|dry-humping his PS3]] and [[It's UGH!|singing "OK2BGay"]]. Unimpressed by Chris's performance, he deleted them, but not before they were [[TheCWCvilleLibrary|archived]].

===CWCipedia advertisements===
[[Image:Gay&PickleAds.JPG|thumb|200px|Jack's ads]]

In [[November 2009]], Jack purchased advertising space on the [[CWCipedia]]. One banner ad linked to a [[gay]] rights website (noting that the creator and hero of ''[[Family Guy]]'' both support gay rights, and using the hated word "[[naïve]]"), while another advertised Mexican vacations using an anthropomorphic [[pickle|cactus]] mascot.

Chris was incensed by the desecration of his wiki and [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence|demanded that the ads be removed]]. Upon being told that Thaddeus was responsible, Chris declared "[[Kill De Jack|I'll deal with him myself]]." Whatever measures he took, though, they didn't do much good, because the original ads were soon joined by many new banners featuring pickles, [[homos]], and other things Chris hates and fears. These ads would have stayed for a long time since Jack, a gentle and generous soul, [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#Do NOT tamper with the advertisements (CCS)|rented all the ads-space up to the end of 2010]].

Jack eventually leased some of the adspace to [[Mao]], the webmaster of the [[Asperpedia]]. On 25 [[February 2010]], this lease apparently concluded, and Jack filled the website with dicks.

Eventually, on 18 [[March 2010]], Jack pulled all his funding from the site, forcing the Sysop to take the site down. It came back the next day under the rule of Mao.

===Called out===
[[image:separatedatbirth.jpg|thumb|200px|Separated at birth?]]

On 16 [[August 2011]] [[Calling_out#Calling_Out_Jack_Thaddius_-_Ahuviya|Chris claimed]] to have dox on Jack, and claimed that his real name was Ahuviya, that he lived in Pennsylvania, and that Jack is planning to have [[Wikipedia:Sex reassignment surgery (male-to-female)|gender reassignment surgery]] (which he did in June 2018). He demanded a video of apology to be uploaded by Jack/Ahuviya by 10 [[September 2011]]. The "Ahuviya" Chris is referring to is none other than Ahuviya Rotem Harel, a fellow lolcow.<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieOVxlhhdao Why Philadelphia is so much Greater than CWCville]</ref><ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kE7bp7GKx_U Advice for Chris-chan from Ahuviya Harel]</ref> This information is unsurprisingly fabricated, as, for one, Jack and Ahuviya's voices have only scant similarities. Regardless, Ahuviya and Chris, despite the animosity between the two, share many of the same traits and characteristics.<ref>[http://editthis.info/adfki/ADF_and_CWC ADF and CWC]</ref><ref>[https://encyclopediadramatica.wiki/index.php/Ahuviya_Harel Ahuviya Harel] at [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]</ref><ref>[http://web.archive.org/web/20190403234851/https://lolcow.wiki/wiki/Isabel_Rosa_Araujo Ahuviya] at the Lolcow Wiki</ref>

A week later, [[Calling_Out#Re-Calling Ahuvia|he revealed]] that "Jack" was a [[Molvanîa|communist]] and [[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark|into BDSM]]. It was at this point that Ahuviya responded to him, denouncing all the fake information Chris presented alongside his own lolcow-ness. Chris, ''still'' firmly believing the rumors, made [[Response to ADF|another video]] with his usual homophobia.

==In the comics==
[[Image:jacktochris.jpg|thumb|Jack, vaguely resembling [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] prior to that character's redesign.]]

Jack made his first full appearance in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] as the [[4-cent_garbage]] building is collapsing. When [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] escapes, he condemns him and [[Clyde Cash]] for being homo trolls. When [[Beel]] escapes, he, too, condemns the two for their actions, saying that being homo trolls that are "slandering and tarnishing a innocent man's good name" is [[Wikipedia:Godwin%27s_law|just as evil as being an assistant for Adolf Hitler]]. With no option left, Clyde and Jack hold hands and together jump into the 66+6 story elevator shaft to their suicide.

==See also==
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails Part 2]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails Part 3]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 2]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]

==Sources==
<references/>

{{Trolls}}
{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Thaddeus, Jack}}

[[Category:Trolls]][[Category: CWCipedia Saga]]

Sonichu's News Dash

2021-07-12T16:10:45Z

Chris-Chad:

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:199-newsdsh.jpg|thumb|300px|[[Audiobooks|LOOK AT THAT FACE GOD DAMN]]]]

{{quote|Well, it’s the end of another month, and I still don’t have a [[Sweetheart|girlfriend]]. Maybe my latest idea, the [[Sonichu]]’s News Dash! newsletter, will make the ladies take notice of me.|Chris, believing your own newsletter will attract women, 31 January 2004}}

'''''Sonichu's News Dash!''''' was a newsletter distributed by [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] from [[2004]]–[[2005|05]], in the finest tradition of [[Bob Chandler|fringe kooks]], [[Conspiracy theories|conspiracy theorists]], [[Wild Sonichu|survivalist tree-dwellers]], [[Chris and religion|religious oddballs]] and [[Dimensional Merge|radical doomsday prophets]]. Chris once decided that printing up a newsletter would be the best way to attract [[boyfriend-free girl]]s. ''Sonichu's News Dash!'' often contained poetry, highly defective [[Dating education|dating advice]], and details on Chris's life and personal interests. It would always end with his description of his requirements for a [[sweetheart]], similar to what was printed on his [[Attraction Sign]].

Chris was scolded by [[Mary Lee Walsh]] for littering the [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]] campus with copies, which led him to bear a grudge against her to this day.

==Origins and publication schedule==
Chris called the News Dash a "spinoff" from his website [[CWC's Pokésite 2]]. As with his later ''Sonichu'' comic, he chose a confusing numbering system for the issues. "Preview Issues" #00, #01 and #02 were simply relabeled entries from the news section of his Pokémon site. #00 was a brief announcement of the forthcoming [[CWC's Sonichu Site]]. #01 was the [[Bionic the Hedgehog (short story)|story]] of [[Bionic the Hedgehog]]. #02 was a review of "Sonic Adventure, 1999".

These were followed by "Issue #1" in January 2001, titled "Variety of Codes!". It provided the cheat codes for five ''Sonic the Hedgehog'' games. Like the previous three, it was just posted online, and physical copies were apparently not produced.

Chris then lost interest in the ''News Dash'' for three years. He revived the project in January 2004, when "Premiere Issue #1" came out. While the first several were definitely in print, it's not clear if all of them were. He published ten of these issues:

Premiere Issue #1 - January 2004

Issue #2 - February 2004. There were two versions of this issue; Chris said only that it was "Updated for Reasons," possibly linked to the Walsh troubles.

Issue #3 - March 2004

Issue #4 - April 2004

Issue #5 - September/October 2004

Issue #6 - November/December 2004

Issue #7 - January/February 2005 (erroneously published as "2004")

Issue #8 - March/April 2005 (also with "2004" on the masthead)

Issue #9 - "April, Part 2, 2004" (no one knows exactly what this means)

Issue #10 - May/June 2005 (Chris finally realizes what year it is)

==Highlights from the newsletter==
The ''News Dash!'' is a valuable source of information from the pre-trolling days, back when Chris was still stalking women in public places. Here are some tidbits from the ''News Dash!'':

===[[Sweetheart]] qualifications===
As the newsletter was primarily a platform to promote himself to women, every issue ended with this description of his ideal sweetheart:

=====Issues 1 & 2 =====
{{quotebox|Christian W. Chandler is 21 (22 as of [[2004#February|February 24, 2004]]) and single seeking a Single Female Companion of the following qualities:

*18-21 years of age (18-22 as of February 24, 2004). *[[Boyfriend-free girl|Does not already have a boyfriend]]. *Single. *Blonde or Brunette *[[Obesity|Average or Slender body type]]. *Does NOT [[tobacky|smoke]] and/or drink [[alcohol]]. *5’ or taller. *Lives in [[Charlottesville, VA|Charlottesville]] or [[Ruckersville, VA|Ruckersville]] area. *[[Chris and race|White]]. *[[Chris and money|Average to High income]]. *Drives a [[Son-Chu|vehicle]]. *Happy, [[Death threats|Positive Personality]]. *A [[Mom|Caring girl]].

*Christian is a very shy, and very thoughtful, person, and will only accept person-to-person encounters (No [[E-Mails]] or [[Prank calls|Phone Calls]]). So if you are interested, he can be found around [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]], or [[Fashion Square Shopping Center]]. When getting his attention, approach and say hi to him. Do NOT flirt from a distance; [[autism|he will not be able to notice]]. To find Christian, he’ll be wearing the [[Medallions of Fail|Sonichu Medallion]].}}

====Issue 3 & 4====
{{quotebox|Christian W. Chandler is 22 and single seeking a Single Female Companion of the following qualities:
*18-22 years of age. *Does not already have a boyfriend. *Single. *Blonde or Brunette *[[Obesity|Average or Slender body type]]. *Does NOT [[tobacky|smoke]] and/or drink [[alcohol]]. *5’ or taller. *Lives in [[Charlottesville]] or [[Ruckersville]] area. *[[Chris and race|White]]. *[[Chris and money|Average to High income]]. *Drives [[Son-Chu|a vehicle]]. *Happy, Positive Personality. *A Caring girl.
*Christian is a very shy, and very thoughtful, person, and will only accept person-to-person encounters (No E-Mails or Phone Calls). So if you are interested, he can be found around [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]], or [[Fashion Square Shopping Center]]. When getting his attention, approach and say hi to him. Do NOT flirt from a distance; he will not be able to notice. To find Christian, he’ll be wearing the Sonichu Medallion. }}

====Issue 5-10====
''Same as Issues 3 and 4, but with a link to his [[Match.com]] profile.''

===Sonichu Rap===
The following bit of opaque [[random-access humor]] is how he chose to headline his very first issue:

{{quotebox|Issue #1
'''Sonichu Busts a Move'''

After watching the classic [[Peanuts]] TV episode, It’s Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown, he gets the disco tune stuck in his head and busted more moves than Little Thin Momma. Sonichu said, “I didn’t understand what came over me; I’ve heard the song once and suddenly, I created the “Sonichu Rap.”}}

===Boycott Playstation and X-Box===
{{quotebox|Issue #1
'''Sonic the Hedgehog Makes an Ethical Mistake'''

After amazing success on the Nintendo Gamecube and Game Boy Advance, Sonic pays a visit to the Playstation 2 and X-Box systems; BIG MISTAKE! The PS2 and X-Box versions remained dusty on the shelves, and the GCN version SOLD OUT. Consumers all said and agreed that the PS2 and X-Box stink on ice, mostly because of the terrible graphics. Since the Ganecube has the BEST graphics of all, it is the TOP system ever. So, in this reporter’s opinion, you should buy the Gamecube version of Sonic Heroes, and boycott the PS2 and X-Box altogether.}}

===Chris on PowerWeb===
There were two versions of Issue #2. The first version opened with the following critique of a [[PVCC]] online registration tool. The second version cut this and replaced it with a description of the [[Chaotic Combo]]. It's not clear why Chris did this.

{{quotebox|Issue #2
'''PowerWeb…Here or in the Pier?'''

Powerweb, Personalized Options With Easy Registation on the Web. It’s the latest thing at Piedmont Virginia Community College. But what is it? The PowerWeb brochure states that it enables you to access personal student information and enroll into classes on the internet which can be used from any computer. On PowerWeb, you are able to review courses for availability and status. Add, drop or swap classes. Pay tuition with a credit card. Review or print schedule, and other things.

But it is well known and experienced by this reporter that PowerWeb is terrible for quite a few reasons (listed below). Back in the better days, you could simply fill out one form, have it signed and be well on your way. Here, it’s just click, click, click…”Huh?!”…click, click…. It’s appalling! So, in this reporter’s opinion, REQUEST the good old forms and KILL PowerWeb!

'''Why PowerWeb STINKS on Ice'''

# It is FORCED as the ONLY way to enroll into PVCC.
# There is no alternative to enrolling, because they took away the original registration forms.
# It’s NOT user-friendly.
# It was not designed for the [[CADD|computer illiterate]].
# It’s very unethical.
# There is [[Autism|no person-to-person contact]].
# High risk of lost connection while [[Honor roll|figuring it out]].
# Much LONGER waiting time.
# It’s too much trouble to deal with.
# It had too much advertising to give a darn.}}

===Share some happiness with Christian===
Chris opened the (revised) second issue as follows:

{{quotebox|Issue #2
'''<nowiki>*</nowiki>Very Special Bulletin*'''

On February 24, 2004, Christian Chandler will turn 22 years old! His 21st was not so great. So share some happiness with him by wishing him a Happy Birthday!}}

===On the hiatus of the ''News Dash!''===
{{quotebox|Issue #5
'''Extended Hiatus is Finished
'''

We here at Sonichu’s News Dash apologize for not writing up issues during the summer months, but the head chief of staff, Christian Weston Chandler, was in a Very Lonesome slump. And he was recently Soul and [[Heart level|Heart-Shattered]] by a bunch of [[Jerk Cops]] at the Fashion Square shopping center, and by the female dog, [[Mary Lee Walsh]], at Piedmont Virginia Community College. These people did not agree with his sound methods of attracting an 18-(his current age) Boyfriend-Free woman. But after a stroll through the lovely and serene campus at the [[University of Virginia]], he regained some peace within himself. And so, while he is still journeying through his [[Love Quest]], the News Dash will run Bi-Monthly, but with more general articles of interest. Thank you for your patience.<ref name="news5">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews5.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #5 (September/October 2004)]</ref>}}

===Sonichu goes to the [[University of Virginia]] library===
{{quotebox|Issue #5
'''Sonichu Explores the UVA'''

After hanging at Fashion Square and PVCC, [[Sonichu]], the [[Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon]], decided to give the University of Virginia a try. He found the campus grounds serene and peaceful with its history, scenery and plenty of grass to rest on. He found himself [[Honor roll|educated]] within the libraries’ many books, and made like he was in Paris with the outdoor tables and chairs. And the “Corner” stores had an interesting selection of items from pencil sets to [[DVD]]s. He gave the UVA 5/5 Lightning Bolts of approval. Thank you UVA, for a very peaceful place to chill at in the city of Charlottesville<ref name="news5" />.}}

===Chris at an [[anime]] con===
[[Image:CWCMonica.jpg|thumb|Chris meeting Monica Rial]]

{{quotebox|Issue #5
'''Sonichu’s Father Meets Hyatt’s Voice'''

On May 29, 2004, I, Christian Chandler, attended my first Anime Convention. I had a good time watching some Anime, sampling some [[Wikipedia:Ramune|Ramune]] (Japan Soda), and other things. My main highlight though was meeting the lovely and sweet-spoken voice actress, [[Wikipedia:Monica Rial|Monica Rial]] (pictured next to me to the left). Monica is well known for being the voice behind many Anime characters. Some of which include: Hyatt ([[Excel Saga]]), Saki ([[Wikipedia:Steel Angel Kurumi|Steel Angel Kurumi]]), Mikako ([[Wikipedia:Martian Successor Nadesico|Martian Sucessor Nadesico]] [''sic'']) and Shii ([[Wikipedia:Puni Puni Poemy|Puni Puni Poemy]]). She also sings opera very nicely, and she is a very nice, fun and sweet person to hang around with. She sure made my day a sweet one. ;8)<ref name="news5" />}}

===A Very Special Holiday Chris-chan===
{{quotebox|Issue #6
'''The Christmas Rush'''

The Christmas season is upon us, and with that comes the rush for the [[C-Mas]] Turkey, Tree (real or artificial), and of course, the presents. So, [[Sonichu]] and the News Dash have some helpful tips to give a better feel of the season to all.

• If your children, or spouse, want some [[video games]], but no [[toys]], buy some toys anyway, they will be surprised. We recommend any of [[Lego]] sets, [[Transformers]] and [[Kimmi|Dolls]]. 
• Wrap the presents anyway, because they always want to rip up the wrapping paper like a candy bar. 
• Always remember that Christmas is the celebration of family, so [[Cole Smithey|never leave out any relatives]] from your festivities. 
• If you do not have a family, then find a friend to share C-Mas with <ref name="News6">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews6.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #6 (November/December 2004)]</ref>.}}

===Chris wants a girlfriend for Christmas===
{{quotebox|Issue #6
'''Single, Lonesome and Very Depressed'''

While all have families, so does he. While all men have Girlfriends, this man does not, and he is very depressed about it. “Since Agust, [[2003]],” Christian Weston Chandler said, “I’ve been trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free, 18-22-year old girl.” His methods were sound and well-thought; [[Attraction sign|simple signs]], [[Chris and fashion|looking cool]], and “chilling” in [[List of places that have banned Chris|the most social places]]. His one fault, that has restricted him from finding the Ms. Right, he had a major case of [[Noviophobia]], where he is afraid to even approach most ladies, because he thought that they were all already paired up with “[[JERKS|A Jerk]].” His thoughts are sound as the [[Infinitely high boyfriend factor|Boyfriend Factor]] is so high, it leaves him with no pretty ladies to choose from. So, if there are any pretty ladies without a…Boyfriend, you can find this lonesome [[CWC "Boyfriend"|prince]] hanging at the [[Fashion Square mall]] Saturday afternoons, in front of Ambercrombie & Fitch. Don’t let his friendly smile fool you; he is hurting inside. Please help Chris have a Happy Holiday.<ref name="News6" />}}

===Prelude to [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]]===
{{quotebox|Issue #6
'''Sonichu Comic Book is in the Works'''

[[Sonichu]]'s father, [[Christian Chandler]], is working on a [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comic book]]. It will be hand-drawn, as [[Asperchu|most comics]] are. And it will feature “Sonichu’s Origin,” the “Genesis of the Lovehogs,” and “Sonichu’s First Big Battle.” It will also include exclusive introductory content into Chris’s world, as well as Sonichu’s world. Chris said that his target date is before [[2005#June|June, 2005]], the month of the [[Anime Mid-Atlantic]] Convention in Richmond, VA; he plans to be there. So, if you’ve been a Sonichu fan up to then, come find him at the convention, and he will be happy to share the hand-drawn stories of Sonichu!

<nowiki>*</nowiki>Sonichu cover provided by Author, Christian Weston Chandler.<ref name="News6" />}}

===An indirect appeal to Mary===
{{quotebox|Issue #6
'''Wicked Witch of PVCC Gives to Cwcville?'''

[[Mary Lee Walsh|Hslaw Eel Yram]], who previously shattered hearts and souls, is handing out presents at [[CWCville|Cwcville’s]] Christmas Tree lighting? Odd, but true, and when interviewed, she had this to say, “After three months in prison, I became rehabilitated and more happy to give joy to those I’ve hurt.” Then we asked her about her oldest victim, Christian Chandler, she said, “I plan to give him a surprise on Christmas Eve, a heart-felt apology.” Well, I guess we’ll see if she will be true to her word on the night before Christmas.<ref name="News6" />}}

===Chris's dating tips===
{{quote|Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu running a mile. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is.|Chris, preaching what he never practices}}

{{quotebox|Issue #7
'''Tips for Finding Love, from the Experts'''

Take it from the lonesome man in [[Virginia]] who has been trying to find a Boyfriend-Free girl for over One year and Five months, with the Boyfriend Factor being infinitely high, all you lonesome saps have to summon up courage, or you won’t be able to get [[China|anywhere]]. So here are some tips from me, as well as noted givers of the 411:

* (CWC) When a girl does acknowledge your existence, rather by a simple wave, or as extreme as a hug, forget the Boyfriend-Factor, summon your courage and talk to her. And be sure to ask her if she does have a Boyfriend.
* (CWC) If she does have a Boyfriend, keep her name in mind, because she could help you hook up with a pretty Boyfriend-Free girl in the future.
* ([[Wikipedia:John Tesh|John Tesh]]) If you want to give her a gift right off the bat, give, or send, her a bouquet of flowers, other than the clichéd Roses, and no more. You’ll have plenty of time in the future to give her more.
* (John Tesh) The right time to give her a gift, during your date, is during, of after, desert [''sic''] (especially if you made the desert [''sic''] for her yourself).
* (CWC) If you are meeting her for the first time, just keep a cool head, and be yourself. But if you want a quick list of what to do, here’s my list, courtesy of the [[Sprung]] game for the [[Nintendo]] DS:
* Introduce yourself: try to [[The Creepy Stare|look serious]] on your face; do not [[Fangs|smile big]], and do not use a [[Speech impediment|forceful voice tone]].
* Compliment her: on her [[hair]] or [[eyes]].
* Break the Ice with a [[Christian's sex joke|joke]]: try not to use an [[Twin Falling Towers|offensive joke]]. Or, you can do what I do, if you can, just imitate good ol’ [[Donald Duck]]. Quack! Quack!
* (Depending on the situation), offer to buy her a [[CWC Cola|drink]], or comment on a topic of interest (such as the [[Lovely Weather|weather]]).
* Ask for her name: make it sound kind and fun. For example, you can say, “[[The Tale Of The Crazy Pacer|Do angels like you have names]]?” If she is offended by that, apologize and say that you thought it was a kind way of asking her name. <ref>Fun fact: Chris used this with [[Anna]] in [[The Tale of the Crazy Pacer]]</ref>
* (I’d add this step) Ask her about herself: where her family [[Molvanîa|came from]], [[Mary Poppins|favorite movie]] or [[Yellow is a Mellow Color|color]], and other [[Honest Content|fun basic things]] like that. And try to make the conversation fun, because the more fun she has with you, the more likely you are to get her phone number.
* Ask for her phone number: if she does not give it to you now, just give her time, and just hang with her, and she’ll give it to you.
* Ask her for a date: make it immediate, like after work or school. An immediate date shows real interest, or desperation.
*(CWC) Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu [[Sonichu's Edge|running a mile]]. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is.
* (John Tesh) Your date is very important. If you take her to a party, then you probably feel like you need the support of your friends in front of your girlfriend. If you take her to a movie, you are likely to want her to yourself, and sneak a smooch in the dark. But if you take her to dinner, then you are showing real interest, because you are most able to converse over a [[McDonald's|good meal]].
* (John Tesh) When you want to watch a movie with her, you should pick a romance flick. Since you and she are less likely to feel romantic during any other movie category, like action or horror. And hey, she will most appreciate the love you show by sharing the chick flick, because it shows that you care about her feelings<ref name="news7">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews7.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #7 (January/February 2004)]</ref>.}}

===Prelude to [[Silvana]]===
{{quotebox|Issue #7
'''New Rosechu from Outer Space'''

Recently, a black [[Rosechu]] came down from outer space in a fashionable space ship. She came down onto our Earth wreaking havoc by abducting the Sonichu Heroes. But in conjunction with [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]], the Rosechus of Earth rescued all of them. In an interview with [[Magi-Chan]] Sonichu, he said, “I’ve been communicating with her through telekinesis, and she sounded very lonesome. She said that she was a female [[Pikachu]] who was hit by a shining light from the Chaos [[Rainbow]].” The Chaos Rainbow was the rainbow made when Super Sonic collided with the Pikachu, on that fateful day in Station Square years ago. And when interviewed, the black Rosechu, who named herself, Silvana, she stated, “I abducted the Sonichus, because it was very lonesome on the moon, there were NO aliens there at all. And when I communicated with Magi-Chan, I was inspired to build my spacecraft with the remains of the shuttle that put me there in the first place." <ref name="news7" />}}

===Chris's letter on ''[[Sprung]]''===
{{quotebox|Issue #8
'''Free Personal AD in Nintendo Power Magazine!'''

I, Christian Weston Chandler, have sent an E-Mail to [[Nintendo Power]]’s “Players’ Pulse” section on January 9, 2005, in response to Nintendo DS’s Sprung game (scanned pages shown above). After receiving my copy of the April, 2005 issue, I was pleasantly surprised to find my E-Mail printed in the “Players’ Pulse” section, with the screen shot (shown to the bottom-right), which I find very appropriate to my current situation. The girl on top says, “YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND KICKS YOUR ***!” Although, there are a couple of fixes to mend in their print out: the fear I was referring to should be “[[Noviophobia|NOVIOPHOBIA]],” not “NOIOPHOBIA.” Also, since February 24, 2005, I am now 23-years old, and I am looking for an 18-23-year old, Boyfiend-Free, Datable Girl whom I can love and trust. Also, a little time after using the teachings of Sprung, my fear came back like a boomerang<ref name="news8">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews8.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #8 (March/April 2004)]</ref>.}}

===Chris's 23rd Birthday===
{{quotebox|Issue #8
'''CWC Had a Happy Birthday Party
'''

Christian Chandler had originally planned to have his party on Thursday, February 24, but then it got snowed out, so it was changed to Saturday, February 26. His party was located at the Fashion Square Shopping Center in [[Charlottesville, Virginia]], by the tree between Abercrombie & Fitch and Pacific Sunwear. A couple of his new-found gal-pals, who all already have Boyfriends, or are otherwise undatable, due to her [[religion]], came by to his party and have partaken in the lovely cake and [[Yellow is a Mellow Color|Mello Yello]] soda pop. They also gave him a very nice present too. His parents were also there, with a present as well, and they told a couple of interesting stories of Christian. Christian, his parents, and his friends, all had a good time, which makes up for Christian’s snowed out 23rd Birthday.<ref name="news8" />}}

===Completion of ''Sonichu'' #0===
{{quotebox|Issue #9
'''Sonichu Comic Book is Completed!'''

Yes, Sonichu fans, the Premiere Hand-Drawn issue of the Sonichu Comic Book has been completed. The project was started with the Cover drawing (see issue #6 of the News Dash for the previous information) back on November 24, [[2004]], and since then, with [[Things Chris has ripped off|random inspiration]] and [[Video games|too many breaks]], the book was completed on March 15, [[2005]]. The Comic includes the first 3 Episodes of our heroic Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon, Sonichu, classic strips drawn before the Comic project and two “Advertisements” for possible future games ([[Miyamoto Saga|at least in Christian W. Chandler’s dreams]]). CWC said, “Well, it took a long time, all things considered, but I feel that this Comic is my best work yet. I have also recently made a Sub-Episode that, one may say, started right after the Epilogue in Episode 3; it will be placed exclusively on the Sonichu Site for the fans to see. Also, I’m thinking about a Premiere Issue #1 featuring the story of how [[Black Sonichu]] was created, as well as how [[Sonichu]] and [[Sonic]] the Hedgehog “formally” met. 8) I’ll keep you up to date as I am inspired; until then, keep on “Zappin’ to the Extreme!” On the Sonichu Site, there will be two ways to access the Comic: through a link on the front page, or click on the Back Cover image (shown below) in this issue of the News Dash<ref name="news9">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews9.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #9 (April 2005)]</ref>.}}

===Chris plans to hustle Sonichu at a con===
{{quotebox|Issue #9
'''Christian & Sonichu are to Appear at the Anime Convention'''

(So to speak) Christian Chandler plans to attend the Anime Mid Atlantic Convention in Richmond, Virginia on all three days (June 17-19, 2005). Since he has put himself into [[Sonichu]]’s world, he will “[[Cosplay]]” as himself ([[Chris and his Ego|talk about self-respect]], huh?). Also, he will be watching some of the good anime, getting some souvenirs, participating in some of the events and just having a good time. Also, he will have some printed copies of the [[Sonichu 0|Sonichu Premiere Issue #0]] on hand, but if you want a collectable copy, you will have to find him, and ask for one. 
At the convention, as noted for now, there will be quite a selection of special guests attending, such as ADV voice actors, [[Wikipedia:Greg Ayers|Greg Ayers]] and [[Wikipedia:Doug Smith|Doug Smith]], and author [[Wikipedia:Robert V. Aldrich|Robert V. Aldrich]]. CWC hopes that Monica Rial will be there again this year (see News Dash issue #5 for his previous encounter with this lovely Voice Actress)! 8) Also up for fun are the Art Shows, contests, Guest Panels, Workshops, Video Game Room, Vendors to sell [[Anime Wings|Cool Anime items]] (some imported from Japan), and much, much more. To learn more about the Anime Mid-Atlantic convention, regrestration, and where in Richmond, Virginia it is located, visit the website at http://www.animemidatlantic.com<ref name="news9" />.}}

===Chris says goodbye to Sonic X===
{{quotebox|Issue #9
'''Sonic X: Final Episode Review'''

On Saturday, March 26, 2005, the 52nd, and Final Episode of Sonic X was aired on Fox’s “4Kids TV.” And I, Christian Chandler, was sad to know that it was aired, because it seems like yesterday that Episode 1 was aired for the first time. Anyway, I enjoyed the 52nd episode. It seemed short to me, but that was only because there were fewer commercial breaks than usual. My favorite part was when Amy ran to meet and greet Sonic back to their home world. Though Amy shouted very uproariously, she was concerned about if Sonic was ever going to be there for her again, as well as his safety. And I could see in Sonic’s expression that he appreciated Amy’s concern and love; he is one lucky hedgehog to have a girlfriend to care for him like that. And of course, Super Sonic’s entrance was a lot more that extraordinary; it was also a scene to really cheer for! After all, it was none other than Sonic in his Super form (which is a treat to see anyway). Knuckle’s and Rouge’s bought about the Space/Time continuum was ridiculous, and how it ended “ticklish” was a real scream. And Christopher’s All-Grown-Up flashbacks made me feel like Japan may make more Sonic X episodes in the future, as the flashbacks left an opening for upcoming episodes. In short, the Final Episode was a Great one.}}

===New Sonichu comics===
{{quotebox|Issue #10
'''2 Brand Spankin’ New Sonichu Comic Issues!'''

Hey, Hey, Hey! What do I say? I say, I’ve been very busy with Premiere Issues #1 and 2 of my Sonichu Comic Book! Episodes 4-6 feature Black Sonichu’s Origin, How Sonichu and Sonic the Hedgehog met, and the stupidest thing I’ve ever drawn in my life. 8) Also, Sub-Episode explores an actual event that happened to the Intrusive Director, me, Christian Weston Chandler. Also, Random artwork, the ads, and good laughs and parodies. Episodes 7-9 features how Christian got his ability to transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu. As well as Wes-Li Sonichu and Sarahama Rosechu’s Origins, with an Anchuent Prophecy. Also, Sub-Episode 3, two new Home-Drawn ads, and a dedication to Christian’s Best Friend. heck them out on the Sonichu Site by clicking the images (shown below). Also, stay tuned in the near future for Premiere Issue #3, featuring the origin of the Chaotic Combo and more. Zap On!}}

==The ''News Dash!'' Incident, in Chris's own words==
{{quote|Mary Lee Walsh made it illegal to distribute the News Dash; I AM [[Chris and anger|VERY ANGRY]] AT THAT XXXXX! In response, Iplan to incite the [[True and Loyal Fanbase|masses]], and hope they DEMAND the return the News Dash so my chances on [[Love Quest|getting a girlfriend]] can be restored. I have also declared WAR on them as well!|Chris, greatly overestimating his own power<ref>[[Other]]</ref>}}

==Sources==
<references/>
==External links==
*[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/newdash.htm ''Sonichu's News Dash!'' archive]
*[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuNewsLost1.htm First edition of Issue #2]

{{Writings}}
[[Category:Media produced by Chris-chan]]

Kiwi Farms

2021-07-11T20:04:36Z

Chris-Chad: /* See also */

:''This article is about the Kiwi Farms message board. For the original forum it expanded on and replaced, see [[CWCki Forums]]. For the Kiwi Farms splinter forum, see [[CWCki Club]].

{{quote|THANKS A LOT YOU GOD DAMNED BUNCH OF BASTARDOUS CHILDREN!!! Her Life Is Ruined!!! And It was My Fault for TRYING TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOU LOT!!! I Really Wish I Never Created THIS New Account and Tried to Reach Out!!!|[[Chris]], posting on Kiwi Farms<ref name="curse" />}}

[[File:CWC Kiwi Farms avatar.jpg|thumb|Chris's forum avatar.]]

Previously existing as a Chris-focused message board in various iterations, in February 2015 the [[CWCki Forums]] was consolidated into the '''Kiwi Farms''', an extremely controversial site which focuses on lolcows (people and groups whose eccentric or foolish behavior can be "milked" for amusement and laughs) in general and not just CWC. (The new name came from [[speech impediment|the way several lolcows mispronounced "CWCki Forums"]].)

On 4 October 2017, a user going by the name "LegendaryChristorian" began a thread on the Christian Weston Chandler board on the forum. While a few speculated about it being a [[ween]], [[Null]], the head admin, quickly confirmed that it was indeed Chris.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/good-day-people.34903/#post-2650519</ref> Under this account, Chris received questions to which he responded in a [[CLog 10042017 - Q&A 1‎‎|livestreamed Q&A video]].

His motivation for joining and holding the Q&A was to reach out to trolls and try to satiate their curiosity about his life by answering their questions, in the hopes that they wouldn't bother [[Jessica Quinn]].<ref>[[Misc texts#Desiree Delightful]]</ref> However, since Quinn was herself a troll, the interaction with the Farms instead proved instrumental in her breaking up with Chris on 5 October, after which he made a final, angry post on the forum before cursing it in [[CLog 10042017 - Q&A NO MORE|another video]].

==Posts==
===Good Day, People! Pin This To The Top===
{{quotebox|'''by LegendaryChristorian, 4 October 2017, 1:22 pm'''

Your combined dream is realized, for I Am The Miss Christine Weston Chandler, and I am here to address my followers (bad ones included, and forgiven (just Do Not talk more Mockery, Smack or anything I would not initially say, against me)).

I come here today to begin in directly taking on any applicable, and acceptable questions about myself; No Personal Details, Mind You.

But there Is a catch, a simple price for my attendance here to answer your LittleBigQuestions. Firstly, NONE of You, nor ANY of your associates, friends, allies, ecetera, will EVER contact, NOR mal-tweet, NOR mal-comment, ANY and ALL of My Friends, Family And Associates. This, Especially Includes my Sweetheart. I Understand you all have a common desire: My Happiness and Good Future; this goes appreciated very much. But the happiness of My Closest Ones are Most Important to me. As for face-to-face, Offline, should any of you catch me at such a moment, I ask that None of you Follow or Stalk me, UNLESS You are Courageous enough to greet me kindly and share a Pleasent moment. In the company of my Sweetie, such stalking is most questionable. I will have little to no discomfort upon anyone else in my presence. Consider My Personal Space and Person a SAFE SPACE I will personally NOT tolerate any mal-content within mine, or ANY of my friends, family or associate's Total Local Space.

I will come onto here Once a Week, take down some Questions, and I will answer them on a live-streaming video soon after. I am in development of making this the limited-time routine.

One FAQ I Will address Right Now, so it will NOT Be Repeated in My Single Thread On Here: "Why don't you get a job/why don't you take more responsibility/why don't you just grow up already?"

Obviously, those who ask this and these questions likely are already employed themselves, or are spoiled in their own individual lives, and do not appreciate how tough it is to simply Get A Job. I Have a TON and S***-Load of Responsibilities and Worries here at home care-taking my mother, dogs, cats, and to my own passion of my Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon Family, my City of Cwcville, [[Chris and reality|my own Only-Me Psychic Connection to my family and friends there, in that dimension]]. So, I'll be darned if I Do Not already have enough on my plate at most given times, as they are at those respective moments. And I Have Matured Emotionally and Mentally; More than you could ever imagine. And I do have a great empathy skill, so I am fully capable of putting myself into any of your individual shoes.

ALSO, I would very much appreciate being addressed and referred to in the Female Pronouns, from Now On, not only in this Thread, but All Threads. And my Name is Christine; Chris or Chris Chan is also acceptable when addressing me. Mainly Remember, please, that I Am Woman.

I will leave you all for the moment with these words. My Time and Presence on These Forums of yours are NOT to Troll any of you. I will Not Bully Anyone, and I certainly have not, nor will ever, Harass anyone. I can and will offer kindness and support on the safe online areas of my Twitter, Facebook, or similar Social Media pages where I do frequent in the Typing form of communication or sharing. I Am a person, Just like Each and Every One of You All, but I Am Better than to sink to a Trolling level, despite any and all past times I have felt need to. And Those will Not be brought up again, if you all will please. My information past and present shared May go towards making a better documentary or series of my characters. USE COMMON SENSE, and LOVE; my stories are Not Dark, and aside from my trial at saucy tidbits, The main targeted age rating is TV-Y7 And Above. Y7! I encourage fan creativity, stylish arts as individually possible, but also retro style and in younger skill levels for those who Are in that age range, or are mentally alone in that age range. Let us all make this a Brighter and Better Future not only for Me, but Everyone I Care for and About Very Much from my Heart and Soul. Love Is Love! I thank you all for your understanding, compassion, kindness and respect.

To each and every one of you, with all due respect, I wish you a Great and Safe Day.

Sincerely,
Miss Christine Weston Chandler (formerly known as Christopher and Christian).<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/good-day-people.34903/</ref> }}

===I CURSE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU ALL!!! To Hell, Back, Hell, Back, and Hell Again!!!===

{{quotebox|'''by LegendaryChristorian, 5 October 2017, 2:40 pm'''

THANKS A LOT YOU GOD DAMNED BUNCH OF BASTARDOUS CHILDREN!!! Her Life Is Ruined!!! And It was My Fault for TRYING TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOU LOT!!! I Really Wish I Never Created THIS New Account and Tried to Reach Out!!!

Good Fucking Bye!!!<ref name="curse">https://kiwifarms.net/threads/i-curse-each-and-every-one-of-you-all.34943/</ref>}}

==Lurking==

{{quote|Chris doesn't read your posts|A somewhat inaccurate line from the forum guidelines.}}

Much like with the [[CWCki Forums]], Chris has occasionally been known to lurk on Kiwi Farms. In 2015, after posting some photos to Facebook showing what he believed to be progress on his gender transition, Chris viewed the forum thread on it and was elated when a user commented "he looks like a D cup now".<ref>[[May 2015 Facebook posts#Chris Takes Hormones]]</ref>

In August 2017, Chris, feeling refreshed after his trip to [[BronyCon]], browsed the thread on it. On Facebook, he made a few posts responding to commentary and thanking users for featuring his photos.<ref>[[August 2017 Facebook posts#Good joke]]</ref> In the same month, he referred to the Random Chris Updates thread to help prove a ween was trying to impersonate [[DoopieDoOver|Doopie]].<ref>[[August 2017 tweets#Outsmarted a ween, with help of Kiwi Farms]]</ref>

In October 2017, Chris stated that he believed [[Jessica Quinn]] was not a troll because conversations between them hadn't been leaked, and he specified that he had not seen any such leaks on the Farms.<ref>[[Jessica Quinn#Not quite over her]]</ref>

===Forum ratings===
[[File:Chris rating doopie's posts.png |thumb]]

Chris rated several of [[DoopieDoOver]]'s posts from the end of the [[Jessica Quinn]] saga, the only ones he has rated so far.

*Like

{{quoteboxgreen|at least that would be more interesting than this god damned shitfest<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/sorry-ill-take-you-back-10-06-2017.34971/page-12#post-2657767</ref>}}

*Like

{{quoteboxgreen|I know I said I wouldn't come back and post, but this whole saga is really upsetting me. While I don't agree with a lot of the trolling and fucking with him for the lulz, this is going too far. Even if it's supposed to be a "troll", this is pretty fucked up and it hurts to watch. I can't stand to see someone with a disability be emotionally abused and manipulated like this. [[Jessica Quinn|She]]'s not even a funny troll. She could have at least gone on the date they planned, but she dipped out because she's a pussy.

I actually really feel bad for Chris.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/posts/2657755/</ref>}}

*Optimistic

{{quoteboxgreen|At this point, do you really think he's capable of growing and learning?<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/sorry-ill-take-you-back-10-06-2017.34971/page-12#post-2657780</ref>}}

==See also==
* [[Guard Dogs]]
* [[Null]]
* [[CWCki Forums]]
* [[CWCki Club]]

==References==
<references/>

==External links==

*[https://kiwifarms.net/forums/christian-weston-chandler.18/ The Chris subforum on Kiwi Farms]

{{The Internet}}

[[Category:Things Chris hates]]

[[Category: Websites]]

Guard Dogs

2021-07-11T20:01:36Z

Chris-Chad:

The '''Guard Dogs''' were a group composed of [[The Captain]], [[Marvin]] and [[Null]]. They attempted to protect Chris from manipulation by [[enablers]].

With the revelation that the [[Idea Guys]] were still actively manipulating [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] in early [[2018]], a new effort to systematically dismantle their and other trolling operations began. Now known as the "Guard Dogs", this group sought to replace the old guard that had once existed before, and optimistically tried to curb current-day [[weening]]. This group has since been credited with the outing of both the [[Idea Guys]] and the [[Teen Troon Squad]]. Their efforts have been met with mixed reception. While most on Kiwi Farms praise their rescue of Chris from the Idea Guys' grasps, others criticize the group for being [[White Knight|white knights]].

Prior to the existence of the guard dogs, efforts to monitor Chris' accounts for trolls have existed in the past. However, none were as straightforward to Chris or as elaborate as those of the guard dogs.

The Guard Dogs have since given up on Chris, who insists on finding new enablers to play make-believe with. They have since been succeeded by the [[Watchmen]].

==Members==
===The Captain===
{{main|The Captain}}
The Captain, unlike the other two involved, had no past history with Chris; stating that he only "fell into the whole thing by a matter of association".<ref>[https://kiwifarms.net/profile-posts/133208/ Comment on The Captain's Profile]</ref> Like Null, he has since withdrawn from his position, and no longer supervises Chris's on-line Interactions.<ref>[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/twitter-9-26-chris-sees-red-flags-about-sockness-cancels-his-visit.61648/post-5386030 The Captain has washed his hands of Chris]</ref> Little is known about him past this.

===Marvin===
{{main|The Man in the Pickle Suit}}
Marvin, also known as "The Man in the Pickle Suit", is a former troll of Chris' who has since stayed to the bylines. Because of his status as an active Christorical figure, however, he's often contacted for advice in both [[trolling]] and [[White Knight|counter-trolling]] efforts.

===Null===
{{main|Null}}
Joshua Moon, also known as Null, is the current owner of [[Kiwi Farms]]. He became involved mid-way through The Captain and Marvin's investigation of the [[Idea Guys]]' [[Discord]], and was largely behind the push for the Idea Guys to face legal repercussions.

==Rescue from the Idea Guys==
In late [[April 2018]], [[Anna McLerran]] contacted [[The Captain]] stating that she was worried Chris was being actively manipulated.<ref name="a">[[The Chris-Chan Extortionists]]</ref> She was unable to get any confirmation, however, due to Chris refusing to give any information.
===Discovery===
Based off of this, The Captain began attempting to contact Chris. He was eventually able to gain his trust, but only by playing along to his [[Chris and reality|delusional beliefs]]. Chris then revealed to him that he was in a top-secret [[Discord]] chat with the [[Idea Guys]] on a separate account they had created for him. At this point, with the coaching of Marvin, The Captain had multiple conversations with Chris in which he attempted to convince him that the Idea Guys were bad people who had only hurt “fake” characters. Chris eventually came to trust him, but only after using his “mind powers”.<ref name="extortionpost">[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/the-chris-chan-extortionists.45366/post-3551811 The Chris-Chan Extortionists]</ref> In response, he gave The Captain full control to his accounts so he could gather evidence against the Idea Guys. '''Operation Kingsnake''', as members of the Guard Dogs referred it to, was now in motion.

===Infiltration===
[[File:IdeaGuyDiscords.jpg|thumb|250px|left|A screenshot by [[The Captain]] revealing the profiles of all the [[Idea Guys]].]]
When The Captain first logged in to Chris’ [[Discord]] account, he was overwhelmed by how far the Idea Guys had gone to take advantage of Chris. Their tactics ranged from extortion, to threats, and even blackmail. He once again went to Marvin with this information. To stall the Idea Guys so they could collect evidence, the two began roleplaying in the server as Chris. This stalling lasted upwards of a week. Whenever the Idea Guys asked The Captain something he didn’t know, The Captain would ask Marvin and Chris for direction and then reply accordingly. At one point during the week, the Idea Guys became suspicious, and asked Chris to post photographic evidence to prove that he was indeed himself. They quickly had Chris take this photograph for them, writing the desired message on a dry erase board. They were also able to collect the IPs of [[Idea Guys#Identities|Wise and Boyd]] using an IP tracer, as well as the IP of a third unidentified Idea Guy.<ref>[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/the-chris-chan-extortionists.45366/post-3551849 The Captain reveals the Idea Guys' Discord]</ref> During this time, Chris was told to take a break from the internet for a week, to which he complied. He spent that week catching up on the shows Wise and Boyd had “banned” him from watching, which included [[My Little Pony]] and “nearly everything on Crunchy Roll”.<ref name="a"></ref>

Eventually, Marvin managed to build a script that ripped the server's chat logs straight from Discord, archiving the hundreds of pages of the Idea Guys' debauchery. Once all of the images and chat logs had been saved, Chris’ Discord account went silent and remained offline. A couple of days later, Wise and Boyd realized what this new inactivity implied, and began sanitizing the server. They banned Chris from the channel, and deleted every private message they had sent him one by one. For them, however, it was already too late.<ref name="a"></ref>

===Extortion allegations===
[[File:IdeaGuyReceipts1.jpg|thumb|250px|Receipts of items Chris bought for Wise and Boyd, which were kept by Chris.]]
{{main|Idea Guys#Extortion allegations}}
{{quote|I get that $6000 isn't the white collar crime that brings down the hammer, but we're talking about unhinged lunatics who are [[Chris slaps himself|coaxing mentally ill people into punching themselves]].|Null, describing his frustrations with law enforcement.<ref name="extortionpost">[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/the-chris-chan-extortionists.45366/post-3551811 The Chris-Chan Extortionists]</ref>}}

Midway through their infiltration of the Idea Guys’ [[Discord]], Null was brought into the process, filing reports with the FBI, Greene County Sheriff, and even calling Boyd’s mother. The other Guard Dogs vouched for Null to Chris, who rationalized the inclusion of Null - whom he would have considered a troll at any other point in time due to his ownership of [[Kiwi Farms]] - by playing make-believe that Stan Smith, a character from American Dad, had vouched for Null as well:

{{quoteboxred|when Chris first started messaging me he said that Stan Smith from ''American Dad'' said I was somehow affiliated with the FBI/CIA, which I think is entirely his head canon. If you wonder why I'm a big softy with Chris, there's a good example.<ref name=stan>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/cryzel-torture.45450/page-18#post-3560545</ref>}}

Chris forwarded Null, Marvin and The Captain any and all suspicious incoming messages and gave the three full access to all of his accounts. For once, Chris's tendency to hoard turned out to be a blessing in the form of vital evidence; he still had all of his receipts from Food Lion, which he had used to purchase Amazon/GameStop gift cards for the Idea Guys. He also took screenshots of his GameStop order history to prove that he had purchased and sent PS Vitas and other items to Wise and Boyd’s personal addresses. In total, the Idea Guys extorted approximately $6000 from Chris. This resulted in Chris facing serious monetary issues.

To this day law enforcement have yet to act on any of Null’s reports. Greene County Sheriff Steven S. Smith refused to act, stating that it was Chris’ choice to shit on the floor. The FBI was sent his IC3 twice (once online, another in-person by Chris) but no action was ever taken. Thus, Wise and Boyd have yet to face any legal repercussions for their extortion and blackmailing of a mentally handicapped individual.<ref name="extortionpost">[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/the-chris-chan-extortionists.45366/post-3551811 The Chris-Chan Extortionists]</ref>

===Rescuing the Amnyfest Ring===
Upon realising that Chris was selling his [[Amnyfest Ring]] during the depths of the [[Financhu Crisis]], it became apparent that this artifact should not leave Chris's possession, and so a plan was set into motion to rescue it, rather than having the item be sold to someone unaware of its importance. The Captain stepped in, and purchased the ring for $200<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/nulls-gambit.45655/page-8#post-3581495</ref>, then presented it to Chris, explaining that it was actually the Reality Stone, and had the power to change CWCVille back to anything Chris wanted it to be, thus reverting the changes the Idea Guys had made - although sadly, Chris continued to believe in much of what they had instilled into him over the subsequent months. At some point before July 2018, The Captain sold the ring back to Chris, triumphantly returning the artefact to its rightful place.

===E-mail monitoring===
[[File:NullvulgarWeen.jpg|thumb|250px|Null angrily insulting a [[ween]] with a [[Niggos|racial epithet]].]]
[[File:CWC drawing for Joshua Moon.jpg|thumb|250px|Drawing Chris drew for Null to show his appreciation.]]

{{quote|Null has the passwords to the accounts. He checks shit, deletes shit. Chris doesn't act on any messages unless Null gives it the OK first.|Marvin, describing "Operation: Guard dog".<ref name="marvinqna">[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/the-chris-chan-extortionists.45366/post-3553571 Marvin answers questions regarding OPERATION: Kingsnake]</ref>}}

After the Idea Guys were successfully removed from power, Chris began speaking to Null, Marvin and The Captain regularly. They began actively monitoring his accounts, with Null personally reviewing all of Chris’ emails,<ref name="marvinqna">[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/the-chris-chan-extortionists.45366/post-3553571 Marvin answers questions regarding OPERATION: Kingsnake]</ref><ref>[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/operation-kingsnake.44345/ OPERATION: Kingsnake]</ref> in some cases acting particularly aggressively towards [[weens]] attempting to get in on the action.

This lead to Chris and the three to speak on very friendly terms, with Chris even drawing Null his very own original [[My Little Pony]] character. They also tried to coach Chris on how to better protect his social media, though their efforts were in vain.

===Publication of leaked content===
Null has written and published a handful of articles onto Kiwi Farms regarding the content retrieved during their infiltration of the [[Idea Guys|Idea Guys']] discord server.

On 11 [[July 2018]], Null released his account of the dismantling of the Idea Guys onto Kiwi Farms in a thread titled “[[The Chris-Chan Extortionists]]”. Written for a broader audience, he reveals to what extent the Idea Guys had manipulated Chris, and his frustration with law enforcement’s inaction.<ref name="extortionpost">[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/the-chris-chan-extortionists.45366/post-3551811 The Chris-Chan Extortionists]</ref>

On 13 [[July 2018]], Null released [[Cryzel Torture]], a nine-hour-long chatlog in which Wise and Stephen Boyd berate Chris and continue to convince him that his characters were being tortured.

On 19 [[July 2018]], Null posted [[The Bad Beginning]], the first 9 hour and 15 minute long text conversation found in the Idea Guys' Discord server.

===End of Null's involvement===

{{Infobox/video
| name = Summary of Guard Dog Saga (and other commentaries)
| video = {{#ev:youtube|iJXVdmPN9jM}}
| stardate = 26 [[November 2018]]
| Saga = {{Guard Dog|text}}
| other = {{Audio|text}}
}}

Inevitably, Null’s involvement in the "guard dog" saga didn't last long, as Chris' incompetency pushed Null away like so many others before. Null was quickly alienated by Chris due to his refusal to play along with the [[Dimensional Merge]], and as a result, Null lost much of the sympathy he initially held for Chris. In a livestream from [[November 2018]], he stated that he no longer wanted any part of the operation, finding the enabling tiresome. He also reveals that at one point, he had arranged for a moderator who lived near Chris to drive to his home when [[Barbara Chandler|Barbara]] died so Chris could be swiftly moved into an assisted living facility. It remains to be seen if this arrangement is still in place.

On 25 [[August 2019]], Chris, during his phase of role-playing as [[Magi-Chan]], attempted to get back in contact with Null, though Chris got upset when Null refused to entertain his delusions.

{{quote|Chris just sent me some shit out of the blue and he immediately got upset and shut up after I addressed him as "Chris" instead of Magichan. Every single time I see this ludicrous faggot shit he's doing it's like losing Terry [Davis] again. It makes me so fucking sad<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/random-thoughts-questions.49854/post-5223282</ref>.}}

==Ousting The 'Teen Troon Squad'==
{{main|Teen Troon Squad#The reveal}}
On 25 [[December 2018]], a person posing as [[Magi-Chan]] posted a tweet linking to a (since taken down) Pastebin, now referred to as "The 'Teen Troon Squad' Reveals Themselves". This Pastebin elaborately doxes Lukas, one of the squad's members, revealing his birth name, home address, and a supposed phone number. Naturally, when the link was first released, there was much speculation as to who had actually written the tweet. Ultimately, it was determined that it had to have been done by someone Chris had trusted with his password; significantly narrowing down the suspect pool. Lukas would later claim that The Captain was responsible for doxxing him.

==See also==
*[[Guard Dog chats]]
*[[Idea Guys]]
*[[Watchmen]]
*[[Kiwi Farms]]
*[[The Bad Beginning]]
*[[The Man in the Pickle Suit]]

== Sources ==
<references/>

{{People}}

Father Call

2021-01-12T13:59:22Z

Chris-Chad:

[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

The '''Father Call''' is a [[Phone calls|phone call]] that occurred on 4 [[November 2009]]. In this call, [[Solid Chris]] spends 2 hours on the phone with [[Trolls|Matthew Devoria]] (born [[1957]]), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]], and a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]]. Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the dad of his sweetheart by boasting of his now-legendary [[honest]]y before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.

Their conversation is illuminating. What follows is probably the most blunt personal assessment Chris has ever received to date: Matt berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and his Ego|egotism]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Chris's room|inability to grow up]], [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[obesity]], [[Women's rights|treatment of Kacey]] and general failure at life. To this day, Chris has never taken any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart; throughout the call he retorts by saying that he leads a hard life, which includes such laborious tasks as doing menial [[chores]], [[CWC Fighter|mowing the lawn]] and ''[[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]''. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homos|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being berated with insults for two hours (or so he says), Chris became increasingly more [[stress]]ed, frequently making insensitive statements towards Matthew. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her relationship and go back to [[Liquid Chris]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which, to put it bluntly, ended equally as poorly.

==Summary==
* Throughout the call, ''Portal'' is occasionally heard in the background, as well as constant typing sounds every so often. A turret from the game can briefly be heard at approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes in.
* Chris sighs constantly during the call – to a point where Matthew points out the constant sighing ''3 times''.
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious-sounding claims about his weightlifting prowess, saying he [[11042009 51 50|just got done lifting 50 pounds]] 51 times with each arm, a total of 102 reps according to Chris. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, and instead hands the phone over to Matthew.
* Before she hands the phone over, however, Kacey claims she has to lift at least 100 pounds for her job. Chris does not question how or why a waitress would have to lift that many pounds.
* Matt starts out being fairly civil toward Chris, though it's immediately obvious that he doesn't have much respect for him. Matt begins by calling out Chris on his underwhelming employment record, and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a [[Pokémon]] Gym Leader/babysitter seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding monthly tugboat. Matt asks if any hypothetical children (or "'tard babies", as he says) of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic, and while Chris denies that they would be, Matt checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris lies during the call, and while Matt goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous the next time Chris does it.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]]. Not only does Matt consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be blasphemous, he doesn't even like Crystal as a name and believes it's more appropriate for a [[Little Tomboy Blue|stripper]], or [[wikipedia:Cristal (wine)|an expensive brand of]] [[Alcohol|champagne]]. Chris corrects him with the pronunciation of the name to not sound like a stripper, "Chris-tul", not "Chris-tal" (he also misspells the name). Chris ignores the fact that Kacey does not like the name that much either, as Matthew points out.
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey for her looks, he is questioned on why the great and powerful Liquid was impersonating him. Solid's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''. Matt is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on ''Sonichu'', before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years.
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matt brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers]], and says that he found that said video to be especially offensive since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001. Chris's only response is to blame it all on [[Clyde Cash]], because [[Mumble 9.5|he was being "mean" to Chris]]; Matthew is unsurprisingly baffled as to why Chris tried "getting back" at a random guy on the internet by mockingly comparing him to the subject of one of the all-time biggest American tragedies.
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matt tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like", but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, like pulling weeds, mowing the lawn, moving furniture, and burying his beloved [[Patti Chandler|dog]]. Matt is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother, and even points out his grandma with ''arthritis'' pulled weeds.
* Chris also seems to believe a dog house made of plastic and wood weighs 5 to 10 tons (10,000-20,000 pounds), and believes the doghouse would weigh more than any tombstone (which tend to weigh an average of about 80 pounds). Trying to gain sympathy by saying Patti's doghouse was essentially a tombstone. Chris believes plastic and wood would weigh more than solid stone, retracting the previous claim to saying the doghouse weighed 100 pounds. A small dog like Patti would not need a dog house that heavy nor large.
* Chris isn't discouraged by the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matt, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing details about the [[Ohio trip]] in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he wouldn't come to D.C. to meet Kacey if he were willing to drive +800 miles to another state to rescue a girlfriend he eventually found out didn't exist.
* Matt accuses Chris of acting like a child, and mentions the state of his room as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility, remarking Chris's plan to be a house-husband. Chris just tries to blame [[Barb]] for not helping him, hypocritically saying Barb is lazy. Matt sarcastically comments on his lack of maturity, but Chris misses the sarcasm and thinks he's actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, ''Chris compares the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matt spent carrying his dead colleague back to base''. Matt is rightfully ''furious'' at this comparison, and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father. Chris tries to say he was being respectful and Matthew treats him like a child. Kacey points out he needs to be nicer and more respectful to Matthew (not to mention, throughout the call, Chris is acting ''like'' a child, which Matt doesn't overlook). After being yelled at by Kacey, Chris "apologizes" to Matthew, with Matthew seeing past his crap.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matt to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Matt points out that's a book generally already read by high school students, and then asks him what he learned from the novel. Chris proceeds to describe the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a ''vaguely'' correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story. When Matt brings up the court case (a major part of the story) and the character of Atticus Finch (who is the main character's dad), Chris seems to not know what he's talking about.
* Matt says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat. Chris ''completely'' misses the point of that comparison, and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills, and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey and a child on his tugboat and a minimum wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matt points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matt off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point, Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her and her father's advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle, and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be 84 per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble and unhealthy eating, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by him possibly risking death, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American-born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matt points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, true patriots wouldn't make videos mocking national tragedies.
* Matt decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11 (which should've been easy for Chris because Matt told him ''earlier in the conversation''). Matt tells Chris that he must be [[naïve]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of [[Niggos|the dreaded "N" word]] and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least, until Matthew reminds him which of the two was formerly in the USMC, causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his [[Bruce Johnson|elementary school principal]] and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matt brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriate "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads into Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" [[Autism|to be a cast-iron rule]], rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly tries weaseling his way out of the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. After some back and forth regarding Kacey, the future of Chris's relationship to her, her song dedication video, and Chris's own version of the song, Matthew snidely congratulates Chris on getting Kacey and Liquid back together.
* Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit, as Matthew attempts to hold back laughter. She mentions Chris failing to make her a comic (presumably what would become the [[Sonichu Special 4|Gun Comic]]) and instead making her a ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' level. Kacey reveals Chris asked her for her phone number, which she refused to give him until her parents trusted him – Chris claims he would have come to her if he knew where she was – despite earlier in the call implying after Julie, he would not travel to see any girlfriends. During this, she compares him to Liquid, who she says would've driven to see her soon as he knew she was upset (Chris didn't bother during the call to ask how she was when talking to Matthew). Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up, big time.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Father Call
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|Jhp5WyvPWNI}}
| Stardate = 4 November 2009
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[Kacey Call 24]]
| next = [[Kacey and Liquid Call]]
}} </center>

===Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)===
'''Chris:''' Hello?

'''Kacey:''' Hey, Chris, it's Kacey!

'''Chris:''' Hi, Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house, cause, um, they wanted to call [''Chris speaks over her''] 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter.

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did fif--I did 51 reps with, uh, 50-pound weights… well, not really weights, but as much as they are…

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, li… you know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times--arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hmm. [''pause''] Well, at--was--was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but… it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like… 100 and more pounds for my job--I, but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad for you, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Alright, by the way what's his name? [''pause''] Mokay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, uh, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Oh, Matthew, okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. [''corpsing'']

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Kacey:''' Alright, well gu--just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay. [''long pause and typing noises'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, si--good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm da--I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good. Good. So, uh… so, I've got a couple of questions for you… well, n'I mean more than a couple. Aaai?

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an answe--with an honest answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. [''inhales''] Well, uh, first and foremost, uh, let's see, uh… you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kinds of places, uh, what kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah, w--yeah, I'm looking, um--I'm applying for, like, uh--retail stores and such, uh got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at the [[Walmart]], and I had one over at [[Target]]… I have worked before, I've worked at--duh, [[Wendy's]] in di--Ruckersville for a few months… first off, I worked off as a sales representative for, uh... [[Cutco]] Cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's--that's minimum wage stuff, uh… yi, d'you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at… ''Target''… I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean… surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? And how old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27… sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''30'' and you're working at the… ''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh… degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know… but I mean, if I--if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job…

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get… in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Hmm… I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it… y-you haven't… you haven't had any jobs between then?

===The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had--I did--I did volunte--I have done volunteer work… uh… [''cut off'']

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? [''stutters''] Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' Uwha--what kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, well yeah, I helped the--I helped, uh… the chil--I helped the, uh, children over at the--at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Assistant Gym Leader]] for the [[Pokémon]] [[Trading Card Game]] league, a few years back…

'''Matthew:''' P--''Pokémon''? Di--wait, that…

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, and building decks from ther-swha-what scraps they had, and uh… di--making sure they kept in order, y'know, d-d-don't get too crazy…

'''Matthew:''' And how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' …I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' It was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' [''stutters''] That's still going strong. Maybe I--

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' …and I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. [''pause''] So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' …yeah, but also [''stutters''], like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting… but… but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? I mean, and, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and ''really'' helping people. Planting ''trees'', that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have--I have been--I have helped people--out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind… knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure that their children were playing and, uh, were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' Right. I'ean, [''stutters''] and… but… are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore? [''crinkles paper or snack bag'']

'''Chris:''' Ummm… yeah, it was kinda, um, kinda like, uh, you know, not too m--not too many were showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was a sa--yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on, but anyway… but anyway, aside from that, I… I've been searching and, uh, doing [''stutters a lot''] yardwork for my family and other sorts of… heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right… well--aaaah, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pokeyman'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with [[Borb|my mother and my father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for the while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I mean, I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20… y'kn--I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… yeah. But, you know, to--to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though… I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I--yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so… uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my--[[Rental House|move of the house]].

'''Matthew:''' …with her help?

'''Chris:''' …and get a place of my own…

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know… um… ye, some details I'm not understand… I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know… mmm… I… it's like a… whole bunch of details… you know… yeah. [''says "mmm" or audibly farts'']

'''Matthew:''' Explain, please. [''stutters''] I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know, y-sti…

'''Chris:''' Yeah… but still, I mean, that's not…

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know… I keep between myself…

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, okay, if you can't s-s-if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh…

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um…

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah… isn't that autism thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar… I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also…

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the [[Barb|mother]]'s line but it can be in the [[Bob|father]]'s as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah… no, I think that's good, yeah, you go… What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see… if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream… as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, CrySTAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne…

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be CriSTAL, it would be CrySTULL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-Y-S-T-L-E ''(yes, he misspelled that)'', you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so… you said this all came to you in a dream… dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Tetsas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler (18:28-24:18)===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in…

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like [[Chris and reality#Chris the Goddess|being a prophet]] to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or… and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah… if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from God, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]…

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream… I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know… time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So… why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps [''pronounced "corpse"'']. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father… but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But… you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… umm… yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand… talking about… and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's Boobs and Fame (24:18-33:24)===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' [''extremely uncomfortable laughter'']

'''Chris:''' I am very poetic as well, just to let you know, sir.

'''Matthew:''' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny…

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little… "encounter," we'll call it… she said she was a little bit… uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend [[Kim]], she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now… he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh… it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books… I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so… you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things…

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for… what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh…

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…

'''Matthew:''' This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===The Shit Hits the Fan (33:24-39:17)===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up YouTube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah… 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…

'''Matthew:''' You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a YouTube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the Internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, n--Kacey was, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was--I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That...are y-are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:''' No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me…

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my…

'''Matthew:''' That's… this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bull[[Lars|sheeit]].

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something…

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me…

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity and Chores (39:17-48:08)===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little… your voice is all wavery… good lord. You want to date… YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from… you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of… enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine…

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is…

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like…

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like…

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' …until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back…

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay… I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her… a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]…

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG… good natured…

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's… why don't you… that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? [[CWC More Than A Feeling|I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.]]

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know… what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a… fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and Fake Internet Women (48:08-54:05)===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had… I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to… fucking… a plane by fucking… piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my…

'''Matthew:''' And your… but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing… that's nothing…

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you…

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? [[IRC_(20_January_2009)|Are you calling my mother a dog]]?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that… you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women…

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN…

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that…

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I… I may not admit, okay, well, yes…

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake… fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't… no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and [[Ohio_trip|I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth]] back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to… Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I… [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in…

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

===More Shit Hits the Fan (54:05-58:09)===
'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. [[I AM STRONG|I am a STRONG MAN]]. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your [[Patti Chandler|little dog,]] playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I DO WORK around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, they are, EVERYONE works around the house!

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't...the, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh'']… heavy weights! I mean...

'''Matthew:''' And, and, I've seen--an-an, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]], it's a ''fuckin' MESS!'' You call that working around the house? [''stutters in disbelief''] Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really..move, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault.....that's, that's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work...she's been livin' more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is...this is nothing. Uh I mean, at this rate, you're not getting...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing…

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point, you know, maybe every....while, this is no, I mean, this is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I... oh! And you don't think...!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think [[Chris and Remorse|carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden]]… That was a heavy burden!

'''Matthew:''' That's...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' [''stammering in utter shock''] Is this... are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under…

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life…

===Kacey Returns (58:09-1:02:35)===
'''Matthew:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' I mean, just, this...what is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me…

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit...and how he has to move chairs and do...oh no...housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...you know, of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Matthew:''' And this guy, this guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really, wh--

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Like what?! ''Like what?!?!''

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you ARE a child, ''I'm'' a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Like, you can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' ''What are you doing?''

'''Chris:''' Well... yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm… I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well… believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You… are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']

===Literature and Health (1:02:35-1:13:17)===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch… yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [''pause''] It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So-so what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I...have...learned.....that I have to be able to...cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like [[Honor roll|George had to put up with Lennie]] throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? In fact, that was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I-I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. I mean, when did you-when did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I...I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' I-you know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books, y'know, she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''rage button pushed''] Stuff...candy...don't...I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. I...you don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're... [''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after… that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't... with that much…? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after...a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but...how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe...maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go… you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't… you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't… [''sputters'']… don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's… how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well… yeah, well, I can't…

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like… half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

===Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs (1:13:17-1:19:04)===
'''Chris:''' But I…

'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have… you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so… you may not think so…

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him…

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she… she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look…

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about… minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it… I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like…

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

===Respect and Listening Skills (1:19:04-1:24:45)===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been… he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I… wh… no. [''pause''] I, I… [''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so…

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then… and then he started, he started…

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way…

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just… [[Family Guy|grinded my gears]].

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she… hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh… hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is... this, do you, do you even listen to her, orm, her at all? I mean, how can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is… she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W… well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you… you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because… just… you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send… I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker (1:24:05-1:36:33)===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around… what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No…

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokémon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than…

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about…

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just… you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that…

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']…

'''Matthew:''' You don't… it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just…

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O… kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that…

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me… Tell me… How about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's… that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to… how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That… I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really… Because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you… You still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long… Do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say…

'''Matthew:''' And play… Okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that… That means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking…

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's…

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright… [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that… yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine…

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may show-- not show-- I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't… Less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I…

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore…

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris Blows It, but He's an American! (1:36:33-1:41:33)===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah… let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well…

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is… that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you…

'''Chris:''' That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, ''really'' turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, ''maybe''.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like… a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly… as a friend… a true friend, a good friend…

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean…

'''Matthew:''' I do know, because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well… points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image…

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I… am an [[United_States_of_America|''American'']]! I am proud to be an American and [[I_AM_STRONG|I am ''strong'']]. I am an individual…

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic… if you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't… do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Love and Memories (1:41:33-1:46:21)===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You… you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I… I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't… That's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because… I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would… [[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Matthew:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's… that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ....no, okay, her grandmother, who is ''my''...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' [''claps once''] How long did that just take you? Good boy! [''chuckles''] God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:36)===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is...man. You can't have Kacey, with...with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so...[[naïve]]. [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me…

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' 'A line'… you crossed the line. You've just… you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment?"

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you… wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to [[Death threats|threaten]] me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I… no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you… I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be… pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spell-check, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making… mistakes…?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even…?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the [[Slow-in-the-minds|only thing that goes faster than your brain]]. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel… [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay… here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli… What are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with… I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and Respect (1:52:36-1:57:38)===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school… prinstapull… and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of…

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I… it was not a retard! No… It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to fight the school system, they wanted to put me in a [[Nathanael_Greene_Elementary_School#The_.22institution.22|mental institution]]! But that was not…

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy… This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental… If I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you… and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person…

'''Chris:''' I do res… I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating (1:57:38-2:08:38)===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's… that's… that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and [[Kick the Autistic|kick your ass right now]]!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't… I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that… I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about… on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you… have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm… Yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes… anything, any of this creepy… shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well… first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet…

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Two's company snapshots|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' You can't think of… I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean… I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's… $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15% or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm… let's see… That would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least… They're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well… good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you…

'''Matthew:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===What Are You Gonna Do Now? (2:08:38-2:18:03)===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well… I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's… that's…

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe… You know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because…

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really… this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a… I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together. [''pause'']

'''Kacey:''' [''bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!

'''Matthew:''' [''cracks the fuck up'']

'''Kacey:''' You've been so insulting to my father, and everything…di, uh… Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! [''stutters''] I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. You--yo--I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. [''pause''] And I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess… maybe I… did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. I mean, you can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So, you know what? I-I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. [''pause''] I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the 2 hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven 2 hours as well. But I did not know…

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean… yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then… and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough, because you haven't done anything like that. Like, you've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, 3 songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''LittleBigPlanet'' thing for me. I mean, come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the stress! I can't do this. I want a real man. [''long pause''] And thi--you can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you done, Chris. Look what you've done! [''pause'']

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's--thi--that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble…

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' [''long pause''] I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry. [''typing and long pause''] I would like to say… good evening.

'''Matthew:''' [''long pause''] Ssssso... what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 24]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6mRSOBYFcaBNloweEFQOElEdjA/edit?usp=sharing Link to MP3 on Google Drive]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ddn91nknqahn87a mp3 of phone call]
*Audio ripped & combined from YouTube vids in [http://db.tt/vNbYguZ0 OGG] or [http://db.tt/akLWEieq MP3]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhp5WyvPWNI the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Sonichu's News Dash

2021-01-06T01:25:24Z

Chris-Chad:

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:199-newsdsh.jpg|thumb|300px|[[Audiobooks|LOOK AT THAT FACE GOD DAMN]]]]

{{quote|Well, it’s the end of another month, and I still don’t have a [[Sweetheart|girlfriend]]. Maybe my latest idea, the [[Sonichu]]’s News Dash! newsletter, will make the ladies take notice of me.|Chris, believing your own newsletter will attract women, 31 January 2004}}

'''''Sonichu's News Dash!''''' was a newsletter distributed by [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] from [[2004]]–[[2005|05]], in the finest tradition of fringe kooks, [[Conspiracy theories|conspiracy theorists]], survivalist tree-dwellers, [[Chris and religion|religious oddballs]] and [[Dimensional Merge|radical doomsday prophets]]. Chris once decided that printing up a newsletter would be the best way to attract [[boyfriend-free girl]]s. ''Sonichu's News Dash!'' often contained poetry, highly defective [[Dating education|dating advice]], and details on Chris's life and personal interests. It would always end with his description of his requirements for a [[sweetheart]], similar to what was printed on his [[Attraction Sign]].

Chris was scolded by [[Mary Lee Walsh]] for littering the [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]] campus with copies, which led him to bear a grudge against her to this day.

==Origins and publication schedule==
Chris called the News Dash a "spinoff" from his website [[CWC's Pokésite 2]]. As with his later ''Sonichu'' comic, he chose a confusing numbering system for the issues. "Preview Issues" #00, #01 and #02 were simply relabeled entries from the news section of his Pokémon site. #00 was a brief announcement of the forthcoming [[CWC's Sonichu Site]]. #01 was the [[Bionic the Hedgehog (short story)|story]] of [[Bionic the Hedgehog]]. #02 was a review of "Sonic Adventure, 1999".

These were followed by "Issue #1" in January 2001, titled "Variety of Codes!". It provided the cheat codes for five ''Sonic the Hedgehog'' games. Like the previous three, it was just posted online, and physical copies were apparently not produced.

Chris then lost interest in the ''News Dash'' for three years. He revived the project in January 2004, when "Premiere Issue #1" came out. While the first several were definitely in print, it's not clear if all of them were. He published ten of these issues:

Premiere Issue #1 - January 2004

Issue #2 - February 2004. There were two versions of this issue; Chris said only that it was "Updated for Reasons," possibly linked to the Walsh troubles.

Issue #3 - March 2004

Issue #4 - April 2004

Issue #5 - September/October 2004

Issue #6 - November/December 2004

Issue #7 - January/February 2005 (erroneously published as "2004")

Issue #8 - March/April 2005 (also with "2004" on the masthead)

Issue #9 - "April, Part 2, 2004" (no one knows exactly what this means)

Issue #10 - May/June 2005 (Chris finally realizes what year it is)

==Highlights from the newsletter==
The ''News Dash!'' is a valuable source of information from the pre-trolling days, back when Chris was still stalking women in public places. Here are some tidbits from the ''News Dash!'':

===[[Sweetheart]] qualifications===
As the newsletter was primarily a platform to promote himself to women, every issue ended with this description of his ideal sweetheart:

=====Issues 1 & 2 =====
{{quotebox|Christian W. Chandler is 21 (22 as of [[2004#February|February 24, 2004]]) and single seeking a Single Female Companion of the following qualities:

*18-21 years of age (18-22 as of February 24, 2004). *[[Boyfriend-free girl|Does not already have a boyfriend]]. *Single. *Blonde or Brunette *[[Obesity|Average or Slender body type]]. *Does NOT [[tobacky|smoke]] and/or drink [[alcohol]]. *5’ or taller. *Lives in [[Charlottesville, VA|Charlottesville]] or [[Ruckersville, VA|Ruckersville]] area. *[[Chris and race|White]]. *[[Chris and money|Average to High income]]. *Drives a [[Son-Chu|vehicle]]. *Happy, [[Death threats|Positive Personality]]. *A [[Mom|Caring girl]].

*Christian is a very shy, and very thoughtful, person, and will only accept person-to-person encounters (No [[E-Mails]] or [[Prank calls|Phone Calls]]). So if you are interested, he can be found around [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]], or [[Fashion Square Shopping Center]]. When getting his attention, approach and say hi to him. Do NOT flirt from a distance; [[autism|he will not be able to notice]]. To find Christian, he’ll be wearing the [[Medallions of Fail|Sonichu Medallion]].}}

====Issue 3 & 4====
{{quotebox|Christian W. Chandler is 22 and single seeking a Single Female Companion of the following qualities:
*18-22 years of age. *Does not already have a boyfriend. *Single. *Blonde or Brunette *[[Obesity|Average or Slender body type]]. *Does NOT [[tobacky|smoke]] and/or drink [[alcohol]]. *5’ or taller. *Lives in [[Charlottesville]] or [[Ruckersville]] area. *[[Chris and race|White]]. *[[Chris and money|Average to High income]]. *Drives [[Son-Chu|a vehicle]]. *Happy, Positive Personality. *A Caring girl.
*Christian is a very shy, and very thoughtful, person, and will only accept person-to-person encounters (No E-Mails or Phone Calls). So if you are interested, he can be found around [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]], or [[Fashion Square Shopping Center]]. When getting his attention, approach and say hi to him. Do NOT flirt from a distance; he will not be able to notice. To find Christian, he’ll be wearing the Sonichu Medallion. }}

====Issue 5-10====
''Same as Issues 3 and 4, but with a link to his [[Match.com]] profile.''

===Sonichu Rap===
The following bit of opaque [[random-access humor]] is how he chose to headline his very first issue:

{{quotebox|Issue #1
'''Sonichu Busts a Move'''

After watching the classic [[Peanuts]] TV episode, It’s Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown, he gets the disco tune stuck in his head and busted more moves than Little Thin Momma. Sonichu said, “I didn’t understand what came over me; I’ve heard the song once and suddenly, I created the “Sonichu Rap.”}}

===Boycott Playstation and X-Box===
{{quotebox|Issue #1
'''Sonic the Hedgehog Makes an Ethical Mistake'''

After amazing success on the Nintendo Gamecube and Game Boy Advance, Sonic pays a visit to the Playstation 2 and X-Box systems; BIG MISTAKE! The PS2 and X-Box versions remained dusty on the shelves, and the GCN version SOLD OUT. Consumers all said and agreed that the PS2 and X-Box stink on ice, mostly because of the terrible graphics. Since the Ganecube has the BEST graphics of all, it is the TOP system ever. So, in this reporter’s opinion, you should buy the Gamecube version of Sonic Heroes, and boycott the PS2 and X-Box altogether.}}

===Chris on PowerWeb===
There were two versions of Issue #2. The first version opened with the following critique of a [[PVCC]] online registration tool. The second version cut this and replaced it with a description of the [[Chaotic Combo]]. It's not clear why Chris did this.

{{quotebox|Issue #2
'''PowerWeb…Here or in the Pier?'''

Powerweb, Personalized Options With Easy Registation on the Web. It’s the latest thing at Piedmont Virginia Community College. But what is it? The PowerWeb brochure states that it enables you to access personal student information and enroll into classes on the internet which can be used from any computer. On PowerWeb, you are able to review courses for availability and status. Add, drop or swap classes. Pay tuition with a credit card. Review or print schedule, and other things.

But it is well known and experienced by this reporter that PowerWeb is terrible for quite a few reasons (listed below). Back in the better days, you could simply fill out one form, have it signed and be well on your way. Here, it’s just click, click, click…”Huh?!”…click, click…. It’s appalling! So, in this reporter’s opinion, REQUEST the good old forms and KILL PowerWeb!

'''Why PowerWeb STINKS on Ice'''

# It is FORCED as the ONLY way to enroll into PVCC.
# There is no alternative to enrolling, because they took away the original registration forms.
# It’s NOT user-friendly.
# It was not designed for the [[CADD|computer illiterate]].
# It’s very unethical.
# There is [[Autism|no person-to-person contact]].
# High risk of lost connection while [[Honor roll|figuring it out]].
# Much LONGER waiting time.
# It’s too much trouble to deal with.
# It had too much advertising to give a darn.}}

===Share some happiness with Christian===
Chris opened the (revised) second issue as follows:

{{quotebox|Issue #2
'''<nowiki>*</nowiki>Very Special Bulletin*'''

On February 24, 2004, Christian Chandler will turn 22 years old! His 21st was not so great. So share some happiness with him by wishing him a Happy Birthday!}}

===On the hiatus of the ''News Dash!''===
{{quotebox|Issue #5
'''Extended Hiatus is Finished
'''

We here at Sonichu’s News Dash apologize for not writing up issues during the summer months, but the head chief of staff, Christian Weston Chandler, was in a Very Lonesome slump. And he was recently Soul and [[Heart level|Heart-Shattered]] by a bunch of [[Jerk Cops]] at the Fashion Square shopping center, and by the female dog, [[Mary Lee Walsh]], at Piedmont Virginia Community College. These people did not agree with his sound methods of attracting an 18-(his current age) Boyfriend-Free woman. But after a stroll through the lovely and serene campus at the [[University of Virginia]], he regained some peace within himself. And so, while he is still journeying through his [[Love Quest]], the News Dash will run Bi-Monthly, but with more general articles of interest. Thank you for your patience.<ref name="news5">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews5.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #5 (September/October 2004)]</ref>}}

===Sonichu goes to the [[University of Virginia]] library===
{{quotebox|Issue #5
'''Sonichu Explores the UVA'''

After hanging at Fashion Square and PVCC, [[Sonichu]], the [[Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon]], decided to give the University of Virginia a try. He found the campus grounds serene and peaceful with its history, scenery and plenty of grass to rest on. He found himself [[Honor roll|educated]] within the libraries’ many books, and made like he was in Paris with the outdoor tables and chairs. And the “Corner” stores had an interesting selection of items from pencil sets to [[DVD]]s. He gave the UVA 5/5 Lightning Bolts of approval. Thank you UVA, for a very peaceful place to chill at in the city of Charlottesville<ref name="news5" />.}}

===Chris at an [[anime]] con===
[[Image:CWCMonica.jpg|thumb|Chris meeting Monica Rial]]

{{quotebox|Issue #5
'''Sonichu’s Father Meets Hyatt’s Voice'''

On May 29, 2004, I, Christian Chandler, attended my first Anime Convention. I had a good time watching some Anime, sampling some [[Wikipedia:Ramune|Ramune]] (Japan Soda), and other things. My main highlight though was meeting the lovely and sweet-spoken voice actress, [[Wikipedia:Monica Rial|Monica Rial]] (pictured next to me to the left). Monica is well known for being the voice behind many Anime characters. Some of which include: Hyatt ([[Excel Saga]]), Saki ([[Wikipedia:Steel Angel Kurumi|Steel Angel Kurumi]]), Mikako ([[Wikipedia:Martian Successor Nadesico|Martian Sucessor Nadesico]] [''sic'']) and Shii ([[Wikipedia:Puni Puni Poemy|Puni Puni Poemy]]). She also sings opera very nicely, and she is a very nice, fun and sweet person to hang around with. She sure made my day a sweet one. ;8)<ref name="news5" />}}

===A Very Special Holiday Chris-chan===
{{quotebox|Issue #6
'''The Christmas Rush'''

The Christmas season is upon us, and with that comes the rush for the [[C-Mas]] Turkey, Tree (real or artificial), and of course, the presents. So, [[Sonichu]] and the News Dash have some helpful tips to give a better feel of the season to all.

• If your children, or spouse, want some [[video games]], but no [[toys]], buy some toys anyway, they will be surprised. We recommend any of [[Lego]] sets, [[Transformers]] and [[Kimmi|Dolls]]. 
• Wrap the presents anyway, because they always want to rip up the wrapping paper like a candy bar. 
• Always remember that Christmas is the celebration of family, so [[Cole Smithey|never leave out any relatives]] from your festivities. 
• If you do not have a family, then find a friend to share C-Mas with <ref name="News6">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews6.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #6 (November/December 2004)]</ref>.}}

===Chris wants a girlfriend for Christmas===
{{quotebox|Issue #6
'''Single, Lonesome and Very Depressed'''

While all have families, so does he. While all men have Girlfriends, this man does not, and he is very depressed about it. “Since Agust, [[2003]],” Christian Weston Chandler said, “I’ve been trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free, 18-22-year old girl.” His methods were sound and well-thought; [[Attraction sign|simple signs]], [[Chris and fashion|looking cool]], and “chilling” in [[List of places that have banned Chris|the most social places]]. His one fault, that has restricted him from finding the Ms. Right, he had a major case of [[Noviophobia]], where he is afraid to even approach most ladies, because he thought that they were all already paired up with “[[JERKS|A Jerk]].” His thoughts are sound as the [[Infinitely high boyfriend factor|Boyfriend Factor]] is so high, it leaves him with no pretty ladies to choose from. So, if there are any pretty ladies without a…Boyfriend, you can find this lonesome [[CWC "Boyfriend"|prince]] hanging at the [[Fashion Square mall]] Saturday afternoons, in front of Ambercrombie & Fitch. Don’t let his friendly smile fool you; he is hurting inside. Please help Chris have a Happy Holiday.<ref name="News6" />}}

===Prelude to [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]]===
{{quotebox|Issue #6
'''Sonichu Comic Book is in the Works'''

[[Sonichu]]'s father, [[Christian Chandler]], is working on a [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comic book]]. It will be hand-drawn, as [[Asperchu|most comics]] are. And it will feature “Sonichu’s Origin,” the “Genesis of the Lovehogs,” and “Sonichu’s First Big Battle.” It will also include exclusive introductory content into Chris’s world, as well as Sonichu’s world. Chris said that his target date is before [[2005#June|June, 2005]], the month of the [[Anime Mid-Atlantic]] Convention in Richmond, VA; he plans to be there. So, if you’ve been a Sonichu fan up to then, come find him at the convention, and he will be happy to share the hand-drawn stories of Sonichu!

<nowiki>*</nowiki>Sonichu cover provided by Author, Christian Weston Chandler.<ref name="News6" />}}

===An indirect appeal to Mary===
{{quotebox|Issue #6
'''Wicked Witch of PVCC Gives to Cwcville?'''

[[Mary Lee Walsh|Hslaw Eel Yram]], who previously shattered hearts and souls, is handing out presents at [[CWCville|Cwcville’s]] Christmas Tree lighting? Odd, but true, and when interviewed, she had this to say, “After three months in prison, I became rehabilitated and more happy to give joy to those I’ve hurt.” Then we asked her about her oldest victim, Christian Chandler, she said, “I plan to give him a surprise on Christmas Eve, a heart-felt apology.” Well, I guess we’ll see if she will be true to her word on the night before Christmas.<ref name="News6" />}}

===Chris's dating tips===
{{quote|Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu running a mile. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is.|Chris, preaching what he never practices}}

{{quotebox|Issue #7
'''Tips for Finding Love, from the Experts'''

Take it from the lonesome man in [[Virginia]] who has been trying to find a Boyfriend-Free girl for over One year and Five months, with the Boyfriend Factor being infinitely high, all you lonesome saps have to summon up courage, or you won’t be able to get [[China|anywhere]]. So here are some tips from me, as well as noted givers of the 411:

* (CWC) When a girl does acknowledge your existence, rather by a simple wave, or as extreme as a hug, forget the Boyfriend-Factor, summon your courage and talk to her. And be sure to ask her if she does have a Boyfriend.
* (CWC) If she does have a Boyfriend, keep her name in mind, because she could help you hook up with a pretty Boyfriend-Free girl in the future.
* ([[Wikipedia:John Tesh|John Tesh]]) If you want to give her a gift right off the bat, give, or send, her a bouquet of flowers, other than the clichéd Roses, and no more. You’ll have plenty of time in the future to give her more.
* (John Tesh) The right time to give her a gift, during your date, is during, of after, desert [''sic''] (especially if you made the desert [''sic''] for her yourself).
* (CWC) If you are meeting her for the first time, just keep a cool head, and be yourself. But if you want a quick list of what to do, here’s my list, courtesy of the [[Sprung]] game for the [[Nintendo]] DS:
* Introduce yourself: try to [[The Creepy Stare|look serious]] on your face; do not [[Fangs|smile big]], and do not use a [[Speech impediment|forceful voice tone]].
* Compliment her: on her [[hair]] or [[eyes]].
* Break the Ice with a [[Christian's sex joke|joke]]: try not to use an [[Twin Falling Towers|offensive joke]]. Or, you can do what I do, if you can, just imitate good ol’ [[Donald Duck]]. Quack! Quack!
* (Depending on the situation), offer to buy her a [[CWC Cola|drink]], or comment on a topic of interest (such as the [[Lovely Weather|weather]]).
* Ask for her name: make it sound kind and fun. For example, you can say, “[[The Tale Of The Crazy Pacer|Do angels like you have names]]?” If she is offended by that, apologize and say that you thought it was a kind way of asking her name. <ref>Fun fact: Chris used this with [[Anna]] in [[The Tale of the Crazy Pacer]]</ref>
* (I’d add this step) Ask her about herself: where her family [[Molvanîa|came from]], [[Mary Poppins|favorite movie]] or [[Yellow is a Mellow Color|color]], and other [[Honest Content|fun basic things]] like that. And try to make the conversation fun, because the more fun she has with you, the more likely you are to get her phone number.
* Ask for her phone number: if she does not give it to you now, just give her time, and just hang with her, and she’ll give it to you.
* Ask her for a date: make it immediate, like after work or school. An immediate date shows real interest, or desperation.
*(CWC) Most importantly, DO NOT RUSH Her. You do not want her to feel pressured into a relationship, because then she’ll dump you faster than Sonichu [[Sonichu's Edge|running a mile]]. Give her time; it’s not like you all are going to get married right away, it never is.
* (John Tesh) Your date is very important. If you take her to a party, then you probably feel like you need the support of your friends in front of your girlfriend. If you take her to a movie, you are likely to want her to yourself, and sneak a smooch in the dark. But if you take her to dinner, then you are showing real interest, because you are most able to converse over a [[McDonald's|good meal]].
* (John Tesh) When you want to watch a movie with her, you should pick a romance flick. Since you and she are less likely to feel romantic during any other movie category, like action or horror. And hey, she will most appreciate the love you show by sharing the chick flick, because it shows that you care about her feelings<ref name="news7">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews7.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #7 (January/February 2004)]</ref>.}}

===Prelude to [[Silvana]]===
{{quotebox|Issue #7
'''New Rosechu from Outer Space'''

Recently, a black [[Rosechu]] came down from outer space in a fashionable space ship. She came down onto our Earth wreaking havoc by abducting the Sonichu Heroes. But in conjunction with [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]], the Rosechus of Earth rescued all of them. In an interview with [[Magi-Chan]] Sonichu, he said, “I’ve been communicating with her through telekinesis, and she sounded very lonesome. She said that she was a female [[Pikachu]] who was hit by a shining light from the Chaos [[Rainbow]].” The Chaos Rainbow was the rainbow made when Super Sonic collided with the Pikachu, on that fateful day in Station Square years ago. And when interviewed, the black Rosechu, who named herself, Silvana, she stated, “I abducted the Sonichus, because it was very lonesome on the moon, there were NO aliens there at all. And when I communicated with Magi-Chan, I was inspired to build my spacecraft with the remains of the shuttle that put me there in the first place." <ref name="news7" />}}

===Chris's letter on ''[[Sprung]]''===
{{quotebox|Issue #8
'''Free Personal AD in Nintendo Power Magazine!'''

I, Christian Weston Chandler, have sent an E-Mail to [[Nintendo Power]]’s “Players’ Pulse” section on January 9, 2005, in response to Nintendo DS’s Sprung game (scanned pages shown above). After receiving my copy of the April, 2005 issue, I was pleasantly surprised to find my E-Mail printed in the “Players’ Pulse” section, with the screen shot (shown to the bottom-right), which I find very appropriate to my current situation. The girl on top says, “YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND KICKS YOUR ***!” Although, there are a couple of fixes to mend in their print out: the fear I was referring to should be “[[Noviophobia|NOVIOPHOBIA]],” not “NOIOPHOBIA.” Also, since February 24, 2005, I am now 23-years old, and I am looking for an 18-23-year old, Boyfiend-Free, Datable Girl whom I can love and trust. Also, a little time after using the teachings of Sprung, my fear came back like a boomerang<ref name="news8">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews8.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #8 (March/April 2004)]</ref>.}}

===Chris's 23rd Birthday===
{{quotebox|Issue #8
'''CWC Had a Happy Birthday Party
'''

Christian Chandler had originally planned to have his party on Thursday, February 24, but then it got snowed out, so it was changed to Saturday, February 26. His party was located at the Fashion Square Shopping Center in [[Charlottesville, Virginia]], by the tree between Abercrombie & Fitch and Pacific Sunwear. A couple of his new-found gal-pals, who all already have Boyfriends, or are otherwise undatable, due to her [[religion]], came by to his party and have partaken in the lovely cake and [[Yellow is a Mellow Color|Mello Yello]] soda pop. They also gave him a very nice present too. His parents were also there, with a present as well, and they told a couple of interesting stories of Christian. Christian, his parents, and his friends, all had a good time, which makes up for Christian’s snowed out 23rd Birthday.<ref name="news8" />}}

===Completion of ''Sonichu'' #0===
{{quotebox|Issue #9
'''Sonichu Comic Book is Completed!'''

Yes, Sonichu fans, the Premiere Hand-Drawn issue of the Sonichu Comic Book has been completed. The project was started with the Cover drawing (see issue #6 of the News Dash for the previous information) back on November 24, [[2004]], and since then, with [[Things Chris has ripped off|random inspiration]] and [[Video games|too many breaks]], the book was completed on March 15, [[2005]]. The Comic includes the first 3 Episodes of our heroic Electric-Hedgehog Pokemon, Sonichu, classic strips drawn before the Comic project and two “Advertisements” for possible future games ([[Miyamoto Saga|at least in Christian W. Chandler’s dreams]]). CWC said, “Well, it took a long time, all things considered, but I feel that this Comic is my best work yet. I have also recently made a Sub-Episode that, one may say, started right after the Epilogue in Episode 3; it will be placed exclusively on the Sonichu Site for the fans to see. Also, I’m thinking about a Premiere Issue #1 featuring the story of how [[Black Sonichu]] was created, as well as how [[Sonichu]] and [[Sonic]] the Hedgehog “formally” met. 8) I’ll keep you up to date as I am inspired; until then, keep on “Zappin’ to the Extreme!” On the Sonichu Site, there will be two ways to access the Comic: through a link on the front page, or click on the Back Cover image (shown below) in this issue of the News Dash<ref name="news9">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchusNews9.htm Sonichu's News Dash Issue #9 (April 2005)]</ref>.}}

===Chris plans to hustle Sonichu at a con===
{{quotebox|Issue #9
'''Christian & Sonichu are to Appear at the Anime Convention'''

(So to speak) Christian Chandler plans to attend the Anime Mid Atlantic Convention in Richmond, Virginia on all three days (June 17-19, 2005). Since he has put himself into [[Sonichu]]’s world, he will “[[Cosplay]]” as himself ([[Chris and his Ego|talk about self-respect]], huh?). Also, he will be watching some of the good anime, getting some souvenirs, participating in some of the events and just having a good time. Also, he will have some printed copies of the [[Sonichu 0|Sonichu Premiere Issue #0]] on hand, but if you want a collectable copy, you will have to find him, and ask for one. 
At the convention, as noted for now, there will be quite a selection of special guests attending, such as ADV voice actors, [[Wikipedia:Greg Ayers|Greg Ayers]] and [[Wikipedia:Doug Smith|Doug Smith]], and author [[Wikipedia:Robert V. Aldrich|Robert V. Aldrich]]. CWC hopes that Monica Rial will be there again this year (see News Dash issue #5 for his previous encounter with this lovely Voice Actress)! 8) Also up for fun are the Art Shows, contests, Guest Panels, Workshops, Video Game Room, Vendors to sell [[Anime Wings|Cool Anime items]] (some imported from Japan), and much, much more. To learn more about the Anime Mid-Atlantic convention, regrestration, and where in Richmond, Virginia it is located, visit the website at http://www.animemidatlantic.com<ref name="news9" />.}}

===Chris says goodbye to Sonic X===
{{quotebox|Issue #9
'''Sonic X: Final Episode Review'''

On Saturday, March 26, 2005, the 52nd, and Final Episode of Sonic X was aired on Fox’s “4Kids TV.” And I, Christian Chandler, was sad to know that it was aired, because it seems like yesterday that Episode 1 was aired for the first time. Anyway, I enjoyed the 52nd episode. It seemed short to me, but that was only because there were fewer commercial breaks than usual. My favorite part was when Amy ran to meet and greet Sonic back to their home world. Though Amy shouted very uproariously, she was concerned about if Sonic was ever going to be there for her again, as well as his safety. And I could see in Sonic’s expression that he appreciated Amy’s concern and love; he is one lucky hedgehog to have a girlfriend to care for him like that. And of course, Super Sonic’s entrance was a lot more that extraordinary; it was also a scene to really cheer for! After all, it was none other than Sonic in his Super form (which is a treat to see anyway). Knuckle’s and Rouge’s bought about the Space/Time continuum was ridiculous, and how it ended “ticklish” was a real scream. And Christopher’s All-Grown-Up flashbacks made me feel like Japan may make more Sonic X episodes in the future, as the flashbacks left an opening for upcoming episodes. In short, the Final Episode was a Great one.}}

===New Sonichu comics===
{{quotebox|Issue #10
'''2 Brand Spankin’ New Sonichu Comic Issues!'''

Hey, Hey, Hey! What do I say? I say, I’ve been very busy with Premiere Issues #1 and 2 of my Sonichu Comic Book! Episodes 4-6 feature Black Sonichu’s Origin, How Sonichu and Sonic the Hedgehog met, and the stupidest thing I’ve ever drawn in my life. 8) Also, Sub-Episode explores an actual event that happened to the Intrusive Director, me, Christian Weston Chandler. Also, Random artwork, the ads, and good laughs and parodies. Episodes 7-9 features how Christian got his ability to transform into Chris-Chan Sonichu. As well as Wes-Li Sonichu and Sarahama Rosechu’s Origins, with an Anchuent Prophecy. Also, Sub-Episode 3, two new Home-Drawn ads, and a dedication to Christian’s Best Friend. heck them out on the Sonichu Site by clicking the images (shown below). Also, stay tuned in the near future for Premiere Issue #3, featuring the origin of the Chaotic Combo and more. Zap On!}}

==The ''News Dash!'' Incident, in Chris's own words==
{{quote|Mary Lee Walsh made it illegal to distribute the News Dash; I AM [[Chris and anger|VERY ANGRY]] AT THAT XXXXX! In response, Iplan to incite the [[True and Loyal Fanbase|masses]], and hope they DEMAND the return the News Dash so my chances on [[Love Quest|getting a girlfriend]] can be restored. I have also declared WAR on them as well!|Chris, greatly overestimating his own power<ref>[[Other]]</ref>}}

==Sources==
<references/>
==External links==
*[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/newdash.htm ''Sonichu's News Dash!'' archive]
*[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuNewsLost1.htm First edition of Issue #2]

{{Writings}}
[[Category:Media produced by Chris-chan]]

Response to ADF

2021-01-05T14:41:39Z

Chris-Chad:

'''Response to ADF''' is a video leaked by [[CWCki]] user Dinglebear, under the alias CWCvilleProductions, on 29 [[August 2011]], and part of the [[Calling Out]] series. In this video, Chris responds to [[Jack Thaddeus|Ahuviya]] after he uploaded [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieOVxlhhdao two] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kE7bp7GKx_U videos] in response to Chris calling him out.

Chris provides yet another halfhearted explanation on why he doesn't like the [[homos]], but has no problem with lesbians (read: they give him a [[Autistic dick|boner]]) and gives his approval for gay marriage (he would later on [[Facebook#Gay Marriage|reverse his position]]). He claims to have empathy and believes that he can't get a job because of all the "slanderous smut and shit" on him that shows up all over the internet, and can't move out because of his parents' age and physical disabilities. This is one of the few moments where Chris seems to be conscious of the real-life implications of his online activity, but in [[Chris and his ego|typical fashion]], he pins fault on those slanderous [[trolls]].

Chris also quotes "[[wikipedia:Free Bird|Free Bird]]" by [[wikipedia:Lynyrd Skynyrd|Lynyrd Skynyrd]] (or "Leonard Skynerd" as he puts it), which is also the only song from the band that appears in ''[[Guitar Hero]]''. Chris wishes Ahuviya good luck with his sex change operation but warns him he will never be a part of "femdom" and calls him a "damn homo", negating everything he's just said about gay acceptance.

{{Infobox/video
| name = Response to ADF
| video = {{#ev:youtube|28R_txwJefI}}
| stardate = 29 [[August 2011]]
| subject = {{Homos|text}}, {{Tragedy|text}}
| style = {{Reason|text}}
| saga = {{Calling Out Saga|text}}, {{Clyde|text}}, {{Tomgirl|text}}
| shirt = Blue shirt
| previous = [[Victory Rockout]]
| next = [[Christopher Paul Whitney reveal]]
}}

{{quote|I would get a job... but unfortunately, because of all the shit that's against me on the Internet... between the hate-filled webpages that y'all trolls and cyberbullies have created against me, and the past videos that I was blackmailed and deceived and just plain forced into creating, with such derogatory graphic smut and literal shit within them, it just makes it that much more difficult for me to be able to get a job.}}

===Transcript===
[[File:Sky_Nerd.jpg|thumb|If I whined like a virgin, would you please have sex with me?]]
This is my video response to... Ahuviya, who has apparently taken upon himself to, uh... record his response without blurring his face, optionally or leaving it out. So I'm just going to respond directly with my, uh- a few of my own thoughts. First off, I uh- now... I am heterosexual, [[Homos#Fear of being a homo|I am straight]], and that's just the way I am! It's not a have-to situation, I've never seen it ev- rarely seen it that way, I have at one point, but guess what, I've seen the other viewpoints, and they did not treat de ne- did not fair to me as s- so much, they gross me- they mostly gross me out. Therefore... that is what I am, and I am happy to stay that way, and I want to continue to be [[Chris and English|heteroseshual]]. I am happy with myself there.

And I would admit that with other people, there are differences that I feel most uncomfortable about and around, such as... yes, gays... gay men anyway. ''[disgusted look; blows a raspberry]'' I like lesbians. [[Tobacky|Smokers]], definitely the smokers. Can anybody tell me why smoking isn't stupid? I don't think so. And just most other males in gender- in general, because I get along better with women anyway. That's not really my fault, that's just part of my dang brain function with the missing links in my... brain and whatever. But that does not define me as an uncaring and cold-hearted person! [[Chris and Remorse|I have empathy]]! I seek- I can see myself in other people's shoes and see how they would feel if I has- if I- with my responses into whatever situations.

And yet you may- while you may or may not have empathy as well, Ahuviya, [[Chris and hypocrisy|I feel you to still be a typical non-understanding pig]]! I would go- I would travel outside of the state if where- or wherever if I could but, because A: I have- I'm on [[Chris and money|low funds]], and I would get a job... but unfortunately, because of all the shit that's against me on the Internet... between the [[CWCki|hate-filled webpages]] that y'all [[trolls]] and cyberbullies have created against me, and the past videos that I was [[Calling Out "Tito" - Don|blackmailed]] and [[For Julie's Eyes Only|deceived]] and just plain forced into creating, with such [[Sonichu 8|derogatory graphic smut]] and [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|literal shit]] within them, it just makes it that much more difficult for me to be able to get a job. 'Cuz they do the background checks, look up [[Facebook]]s and look on [[YouTube]] and look everywhere! They don't just do [[Chris and the law|criminal records]] anymore, ask anybody!

And I would travel if I could, but my parents are both old. [[Bob|My father is ill]]. He's sickly. He has [[Chris and English|feet-bloatings]]. And he has ailments that doctors are unable to determine, and at this point he is certified as a forced shut-in! He cannot get out so much, 'cuz he feels so ill and sickly in his feet. And I ''do'' get out of my house, I go out here and there and everywhere, so don't tell me that I don't get out! "I'm free as a bird and this bird... peep- and this bird you cannot change!" Yes, I learned from Leonard Skynerd, and I like that song.

And listen- and I want you to listen here. I'm all for equality, but there is a limit! ''[Chris hits the camera]'' I do not want to be forced or intimidated into or bullied into lifestyles that I just ''not am of'', or feel comfortable around! And this was a country where... people would not feel forced to do anything... then, whatever! And yes, marriage should be between two happy people, regardless of, uh, gender or whatever. But I'm still gonna feel most uncomfortable around homosexual dudes, regardless! And just most other males in general, hell, I probably won't even have a bachelor party 'cuz I don't know so many [[JERKS|males]], I'd probably be having a bachelor party mostly constituted with those within my congregation who I'm only acquainted with, like, one or two of. Hell, I would even appreciate having a bachelor party where I had all my [[gal-pals]] come and hold it for me! I'd rather have a bachelor party with... where it was... shoot, I'm trying the think of the word, um... well anyway, with m- anyway, with mostly women, 'cuz I feel more comfortable ar- around women. Platonic, that's the word I would use, the party would be platonic.

And likewise, if my bride had mostly male friends, I'd let her hang out with them platonically as well for her bride party. And you know what, I don't care whether I get a bachelor party or not, around the time I do get married. Because that's just- that's just me. And I cannot be changed. So I would- so I would say, good luck being a [[tomgirl|fake woman]] because you'll never be able to achieve true femdom! And you'll always be a dang homosexual male, 'cuz you're born that way, you gonna to stay that way pretty much even if you're gonna- if you're gonna have your [[pickle|dick]] either chopped off or tucked in! People are still gonna look at you so ill. In the majority of this country.

Anyway, that's my response for now.

Damn homo.

<references/>

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Victory Rockout]]|nextlink=[[Christopher Paul Whitney reveal]]}}
{{Calling Out}}

[[Category:Chris-chan videos, August 2011| 2011-08-29 r]]
[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Jack Thaddeus

2021-01-05T01:20:22Z

Chris-Chad:

{{DeadLinks}}

{{Troll|He was not ADF / Phillip V. Haskins-DeLici / Ahuviya Rotem Harel / Isabel Rosa Araujo, but a user pretending to be that person named CrassCrab.}}

{{Quote|Jack Thaddeus! Give me back my [[PlayStation Network]]s accounts, you expert hacker! You, you [[Chris and English|ir—rational expert]]! Motherfucking [[Chris and religion|burning-in-Hell]] hacker!|Chris on Jack<ref>[[Chris humps his PS3]]</ref>}}

{{infobox
| title = Jack Thaddeus
| image = [[Image:Ahuvia.png|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Phillip V. Haskins-DeLici
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 = Jack Thaddeus CrassCrab JThadius JThadeus Felipe Delicias David Crass ADF
|label3 = Date of Birth
|data3 = [[1985|12 August 1985]] (aged {{age|1985|12|8}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male [[Tomgirl|Transwoman]]
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
}}

'''Jack Thaddeus''' (born 12 August 1985) is a [[troll]] responsible for various [[PSN]]-related trollings with [[Chris]]. He is also a [[homo]].<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]</ref> He helped bring about the beginning of the [[Liquid Chris]] saga.<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails#7/19/09|The Mysterious Man at Otakon]]</ref>

During the [[Calling out]] saga, Chris was manipulated into "outing" him as [[Internet]] lolcow '''Ahuviya Rotem Harel''' ("ADF"), a noted [[cosplay]]er, [[Michael Snyder|JEW]], communist, and [[Asperger's syndrome|"Aspergian"]], sparking a brief exchange of words between the two, before [[Bob]]'s death forced the end of the saga.

==Fictional biography==
===Social engineering===
Jack worked with his daughter [[Samantha Thaddeus]], who Chris handed his passwords to, in order to "hack" into his PSN accounts. Jack then seized multiple accounts, using them to blackmail Chris into [[Chris humps his PS3|dry-humping his PS3]] and [[It's UGH!|singing "OK2BGay"]]. Unimpressed by Chris's performance, he deleted them, but not before they were [[TheCWCvilleLibrary|archived]].

===CWCipedia advertisements===
[[Image:Gay&PickleAds.JPG|thumb|200px|Jack's ads]]

In [[November 2009]], Jack purchased advertising space on the [[CWCipedia]]. One banner ad linked to a [[gay]] rights website (noting that the creator and hero of ''[[Family Guy]]'' both support gay rights, and using the hated word "[[naïve]]"), while another advertised Mexican vacations using an anthropomorphic [[pickle|cactus]] mascot.

Chris was incensed by the desecration of his wiki and [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence|demanded that the ads be removed]]. Upon being told that Thaddeus was responsible, Chris declared "[[Kill De Jack|I'll deal with him myself]]." Whatever measures he took, though, they didn't do much good, because the original ads were soon joined by many new banners featuring pickles, [[homos]], and other things Chris hates and fears. These ads would have stayed for a long time since Jack, a gentle and generous soul, [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#Do NOT tamper with the advertisements (CCS)|rented all the ads-space up to the end of 2010]].

Jack eventually leased some of the adspace to [[Mao]], the webmaster of the [[Asperpedia]]. On 25 [[February 2010]], this lease apparently concluded, and Jack filled the website with dicks.

Eventually, on 18 [[March 2010]], Jack pulled all his funding from the site, forcing the Sysop to take the site down. It came back the next day under the rule of Mao.

===Called out===
[[image:separatedatbirth.jpg|thumb|200px|Separated at birth?]]

On 16 [[August 2011]] [[Calling_out#Calling_Out_Jack_Thaddius_-_Ahuviya|Chris claimed]] to have dox on Jack, and claimed that his real name was Ahuviya, that he lived in Pennsylvania, and that Jack is planning to have [[Wikipedia:Sex reassignment surgery (male-to-female)|gender reassignment surgery]] (which he did in June 2018). He demanded a video of apology to be uploaded by Jack/Ahuviya by 10 [[September 2011]]. The "Ahuviya" Chris is referring to is none other than Ahuviya Rotem Harel, a fellow lolcow.<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieOVxlhhdao Why Philadelphia is so much Greater than CWCville]</ref><ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kE7bp7GKx_U Advice for Chris-chan from Ahuviya Harel]</ref> This information is unsurprisingly fabricated, as, for one, Jack and Ahuviya's voices have only scant similarities. Regardless, Ahuviya and Chris, despite the animosity between the two, share many of the same traits and characteristics.<ref>[http://editthis.info/adfki/ADF_and_CWC ADF and CWC]</ref><ref>[https://encyclopediadramatica.wiki/index.php/Ahuviya_Harel Ahuviya Harel] at [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]</ref><ref>[http://web.archive.org/web/20190403234851/https://lolcow.wiki/wiki/Isabel_Rosa_Araujo Ahuviya] at the Lolcow Wiki</ref>

A week later, [[Calling_Out#Re-Calling Ahuvia|he revealed]] that "Jack" was a [[Molvanîa|communist]] and [[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark|into BDSM]]. It was at this point that Ahuviya responded to him, denouncing all the fake information Chris presented alongside his own lolcow-ness. Chris, ''still'' firmly believing the rumors, made [[Response to ADF|another video]] with his usual homophobia.

==In the comics==
[[Image:jacktochris.jpg|thumb|Jack, vaguely resembling [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] prior to that character's redesign.]]

Jack made his first full appearance in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] as the [[4-cent_garbage]] building is collapsing. When [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] escapes, he condemns him and [[Clyde Cash]] for being homo trolls. When [[Beel]] escapes, he, too, condemns the two for their actions, saying that being homo trolls that are "slandering and tarnishing a innocent man's good name" is [[Wikipedia:Godwin%27s_law|just as evil as being an assistant for Adolf Hitler]]. With no option left, Clyde and Jack hold hands and together jump into the 66+6 story elevator shaft to their suicide.

==See also==
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails Part 2]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails Part 3]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 2]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]

==Sources==
<references/>

{{Trolls}}
{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Thaddeus, Jack}}

[[Category:Trolls]][[Category: CWCipedia Saga]]

JenkinsJinkies

2021-01-04T16:10:08Z

Chris-Chad:

{{Articleofthenow}}

'''Junior Jenkins''', alias '''JenkinsJinkies''' (born 16 July [[1995]]), was Chris's [[Disguises|trollsona]] from [[May 2010|May]] to [[August 2010]].

==CWCki==
[[image:Fatjenkins.jpg|thumb|The great JenkinsJinkies, not to be confused with the Cobra Commander.]]
JenkinsJinkies began as another [[CWCki]] account, made by Chris to confirm that the antenna he had removed from his [[PS3]] wasn't a bug on [[PS3/How the PS3 is Hacked|"PS3/How the PS3 is Hacked"]], a bait-page made by [[Clyde]]. It was quickly discovered that JenkinsJinkies was Chris and the [[Trollin Train|appropriate action]] was taken soon afterwards. Clyde contacted Chris through JenkinsJinkies' [[User talk:JenkinsJinkies|talk page]] and it resulted in a short correspondence between the two.

{{quote|I lost my young virginity with a [[Merried Seinor Comic|Seinor]] [[Kellie Andes|Cheerleader]]; her [[china]] was sweeeeettt! Plus, as an [[ED|Anon]], I prefer to keep my add off of the web. I would not want Chris coming after my ass. The mindfuck that he is, I would not want to fall victim of one of his impulsive manchild rampages. I just enjoy getting the [[Laughs Under Lucricities|LULZ]] off of him.|JenkinsJinkies, the fourteen-year-old [[homos|sodomite]] who had gay sex at the age of seven and lost his [[virgin]]ity to a high school student beforehand; who also lives directly [[14 Branchland Court|across the street]] from Chris.}}

As JenkinsJinkies, Chris created the bizarre [[Coffee Place]] page, an article which originally started off as a reported sighting of Chris in [[Burger King]] but quickly devolved into a rant against [[Coffee Place#Amanda|Amanda]], a part-time [[Manajerk|manager]] who seemingly irked Chris by not treating himself, [[Bob Chandler|Bob]], and other "[[Merried Seinor Comic|seinors]]" with the adequate respect Chris thought she should. How JenkinsJinkies was able to know all this information about Amanda after one visit and why he would care if she mistreated Bob or not was never to be explained by Chris.

Chris believed playing a troll who was [[Chris and reality|legitimately]] afraid of Chris's wrath would totally convince [[Clyde Cash]] himself that he was legit. He also unsuccessfully tried to scare the trolls into thinking he was plotting to hunt them down, one by one. Several [[/cwc/|lesser]] trolls believed they were the first ones to realize that JenkinsJinkies was Chris and blew the whistle every now and again, but such leaks were uncommon and generally most trolls played along.

==Trollin Train==
{{main|Trollin Train}}

As the trolls began to tug on JenkinsJinkies' marionette strings, a [[Trollin Train|trolling forum]] entirely dedicated to making Chris paranoid was established. Despite all posts, members and threads being only a few days old, Chris was [[Naïve|completely convinced]] that it was the official trolling hub, where all the nefarious plots made against him were conceived.

As Junior Jenkins, Chris decided to write a story to go with his induction into the Trollin Train about how he supposedly experienced sexual intercourse for the first time; what resulted was a truly horrifying and borderline-[[Pedofork|criminal]] text about how another child at summer camp supposedly had his way with Junior.<ref>[[Trollin_Train#Hey, Everyone! J.J. has arrived. (Thu 29 July 2010 12:19 AM)|Hey, Everyone! J.J. has arrived.]]</ref>

As if it weren't obvious enough that Junior Jenkins was Chris, he also went out of his way to praise Chris for his ingenious schemes for halting the trolls' wicked plans and/or dissuade the trolls from even trying - often combining the two themes into the same post.

{{quote|I have to hand it to him, he makes it Frustrating to Troll Him. It's like we have to PAY AirFare or HitchHike Dangerously and do it Old-Fashioned with Accordian Cameras and shit like that.|JuniorJenkins, [[Trollin Train#Damn! (Wed 25 Aug 2010 5:42 am)|Trollin Train]]}}

Junior Jenkins also had run-ins with the ghosts of [[Patti Chandler]] and seven-year-old Christopher Chandler, as Chris inexplicably believed that trolls would be frightened by these events. They were not and Jenkins was roundly mocked.

In another memorable event, Jenkins unsubtly asked for the numbers of the hookers [[Bryan Bash]] sent to Chris's house because Chris wanted sexy time.

==PS3 Destruction==
Trollin Train's most significant achievement came about when [[Surfshack Tito (troll)|Surfshack Tito]] offered a number of "bounties" for achievements in trolling Chris, including a US$9,001 reward for anyone who could smash Chris's [[PS3]]. Due to a misinterpretation of Tito's criteria, Chris thought he could get the reward if ''he'' did the smashing and simply had Junior claim to witness it. The rest is [[PS3#Destruction|history]].

Though Chris [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails|did not]] receive the $9,001, he managed to raise the money to buy a new PS3 over the course of a few days.

==The End==
Chris decided to drop the JenkinsJinkies persona after his last post on TrollinTrain about witnessing Chris destroying his PS3. It was later revealed after the leaking of the [[Jackie Emails]] that Chris dropped the act in fear that when the police raided the Trollin Train forums they would mistake him for a troll and subsequently [[Chris and the Law|arrest him]]. Since it's now likely that Chris has completely forgotten about his time as JJ, the Trollin Train forum has became inactive and all information has been freely published to the [[CWCki]].

==See also==
*[[Trollin Train]]
*[[JenkinsJinkiesCwckiApplication.MOV]]
*[[Disguises]]
*[[Night Star#Twitter sockpuppet|NightStar2891]]
*[[User:JenkinsJinkies]]

[[Category:Chris's alter egos]]
==References==
<references/>

Women Only Need Apply - No STD's

2020-12-03T19:03:04Z

Chris-Chad: Replaced broken link to original video.

{{Honest}}
'''Women Only Need Apply - No STD's''' is a leaked video posted by the resurrected [[TheCWCvilleLibrary|CWCvilleLibrary]]. The video itself is mercifully only 2 minutes long and entails Chris offering [[Hanky-Panky|sex]] to women of [[homos|any]] orientation (except transsexual women [[Chris and Hypocrisy|of course]]) for ludicrous fees. Chris quotes $50 for ''cuddling'', and goes on to say that $100 will, rather more reasonably, get the customer "just about anything" besides anal, which he doesn't do. Chris gives his prostitute name as "Stephanie Bustcakes," and left a new e-mail at the end of the video: "stephanie.bustcakes@gmail.com".

The YouTube channel where the video likely originated is [https://gaming.youtube.com/channel/UCjT-fFsATb-5AccxRmvBpcA here]. The channel was created on 19 June 2016, meaning that Chris decided to become a prostitute on [[Bob Chandler|Father's Day]].

The original upload appeared to be stretched from its original 9:16 aspect ratio (which any 16:9 phone uses when recording in vertical mode) to 4:3, giving the video a distorted, stretched look. It was deleted from YouTube.

A corrected version of the video can be seen below, while the original version can be found [http://web.archive.org/web/20160715014753/https://my.mixtape.moe/ydxcku.mp4 here].

== Video ==
{{Infobox/video
| name = Stephanie Bustcakes
| video = {{#ev:archiveorg|youtube-tNYvG-nf3dc}}
| stardate = 22 [[June 2016]] (leaked date)
| subject = {{Sex|text}}
| style = {{Crazy|text}}
| Saga = {{Tomgirl|text}}, {{Financhu Crisis|text}}
| shirt = {{TurquoiseTankTop|text}}
| other = {{Leaked|text}}
| previous = [[Reading "Unicorns, Rainbows, and a Bluebird of Happiness" Chapter 2]]
| next = [[Announcement 06292016]]
}}

==Description==
{{quotebox| This is the CWCville Library - Christino, solicits for money. $50 gets you cuddles and $100 gets you pretty much anything else, Cradles his new Wiffuu as he obviously thought shaving this morning might be an a bit inconvenient. Video smuggled out by the CWC secret police (CWCSP) from unclassified sources - honest}}

==Transcript==

[''Chris speaks in an attempted seductive voice, upside down on his bed''] Hello ladies. How would you like to spend a little quality time-with this sexy bod, huh? [''wriggles around''] With these breasts. [''squeezes his mantits together''] And the thing that I was wrongfully born with [[Duck|down there]]. [''slaps his duck''] Good quality time, we could have it one way... or the lesbian way. So, for fifty dollars we could do a cuddle, and for a hundred dollars, [''winks''] you can do pretty much any- pretty much near anything. I don't do anal though! [''facial expression turns serious, creepily stares at the camera in silence''] I don't do anal... but will do anything else. We can even rock with [[Sex toys|toys]].

[''jump cut''] And I have... lots of hidden potential. So send an e-mail, [''grabs body pillow''] I'll give you a response. Tell me one little lovely, sexy evening... [''winks again''] with Miss Stephanie Bustcakes. Advice to the e-mail only, nobody with STDs, and only women of any orientation need apply. Well, straight lesbian and bi. All y'all got b- all y'all got the pussy! I'm very happy to work... [''flips over, slaps backside, and says something unintelligible''] and maybe show off my booty! [''rolls over again and rubs ass''] That booty look good enough for ya? [''silently wriggles his ass around''] So, respond now. [''winks and turns off camera'']

'''Text at the end of the video:'''

{{quotebox|Women Only need respond. Straight, Lesbian or Bisexual.

If you [[Tobacky|smoke]], please put it out and air freshen the room prior to my arrival.

No STDs.

In-Area Only (Charlottesville, VA or local).

Email to stephanie.bustcakes@gmail.com for details and arrangments.}}

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Reading "Unicorns, Rainbows, and a Bluebird of Happiness" Chapter 2]]|nextlink=[[Announcement 06292016]]}}

{{BusinessList}}
{{LeakedVideos}}

[[Category: Chris-chan videos, 2016]]
[[Category: Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Jack Thaddeus

2020-12-03T18:53:19Z

Chris-Chad: Replaced broken Lolcow Wiki link with archive link. ED is also broken but should be back up next week.

{{DeadLinks}}

{{Troll|He was not ADF / Phillip V. Haskins-DeLici / Ahuviya Rotem Harel, but a user pretending to be that person named CrassCrab.}}

{{Quote|Jack Thaddeus! Give me back my [[PlayStation Network]]s accounts, you expert hacker! You, you [[Chris and English|ir—rational expert]]! Motherfucking [[Chris and religion|burning-in-Hell]] hacker!|Chris on Jack<ref>[[Chris humps his PS3]]</ref>}}

{{infobox
| title = Jack Thaddeus
| image = [[Image:Ahuvia.png|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Phillip V. Haskins-DeLici
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 = Jack Thaddeus CrassCrab JThadius JThadeus Felipe Delicias David Crass ADF
|label3 = Date of Birth
|data3 = [[1985|12 August 1985]] (aged {{age|1985|12|8}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male [[Tomgirl|Transwoman]]
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
}}

'''Jack Thaddeus''' (born 12 August 1985) is a [[troll]] responsible for various [[PSN]]-related trollings with [[Chris]]. He is also a [[homo]].<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]</ref> He helped bring about the beginning of the [[Liquid Chris]] saga.<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails#7/19/09|The Mysterious Man at Otakon]]</ref>

During the [[Calling out]] saga, Chris was manipulated into "outing" him as [[Internet]] lolcow '''Ahuviya Rotem Harel''' ("ADF"), a noted [[cosplay]]er, [[Michael Snyder|JEW]], communist, and [[Asperger's syndrome|"Aspergian"]], sparking a brief exchange of words between the two, before [[Bob]]'s death forced the end of the saga.

==Fictional biography==
===Social engineering===
Jack worked with his daughter [[Samantha Thaddeus]], who Chris handed his passwords to, in order to "hack" into his PSN accounts. Jack then seized multiple accounts, using them to blackmail Chris into [[Chris humps his PS3|dry-humping his PS3]] and [[It's UGH!|singing "OK2BGay"]]. Unimpressed by Chris's performance, he deleted them, but not before they were [[TheCWCvilleLibrary|archived]].

===CWCipedia advertisements===
[[Image:Gay&PickleAds.JPG|thumb|200px|Jack's ads]]

In [[November 2009]], Jack purchased advertising space on the [[CWCipedia]]. One banner ad linked to a [[gay]] rights website (noting that the creator and hero of ''[[Family Guy]]'' both support gay rights, and using the hated word "[[naïve]]"), while another advertised Mexican vacations using an anthropomorphic [[pickle|cactus]] mascot.

Chris was incensed by the desecration of his wiki and [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence|demanded that the ads be removed]]. Upon being told that Thaddeus was responsible, Chris declared "[[Kill De Jack|I'll deal with him myself]]." Whatever measures he took, though, they didn't do much good, because the original ads were soon joined by many new banners featuring pickles, [[homos]], and other things Chris hates and fears. These ads would have stayed for a long time since Jack, a gentle and generous soul, [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#Do NOT tamper with the advertisements (CCS)|rented all the ads-space up to the end of 2010]].

Jack eventually leased some of the adspace to [[Mao]], the webmaster of the [[Asperpedia]]. On 25 [[February 2010]], this lease apparently concluded, and Jack filled the website with dicks.

Eventually, on 18 [[March 2010]], Jack pulled all his funding from the site, forcing the Sysop to take the site down. It came back the next day under the rule of Mao.

===Called out===
[[image:separatedatbirth.jpg|thumb|200px|Separated at birth?]]

On 16 [[August 2011]] [[Calling_out#Calling_Out_Jack_Thaddius_-_Ahuviya|Chris claimed]] to have dox on Jack, and claimed that his real name was Ahuviya, that he lived in Pennsylvania, and that Jack is planning to have [[Wikipedia:Sex reassignment surgery (male-to-female)|gender reassignment surgery]] (which he did in June 2018). He demanded a video of apology to be uploaded by Jack/Ahuviya by 10 [[September 2011]]. The "Ahuviya" Chris is referring to is none other than Ahuviya Rotem Harel, a fellow lolcow.<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieOVxlhhdao Why Philadelphia is so much Greater than CWCville]</ref><ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kE7bp7GKx_U Advice for Chris-chan from Ahuviya Harel]</ref> This information is unsurprisingly fabricated, as, for one, Jack and Ahuviya's voices have only scant similarities. Regardless, Ahuviya and Chris, despite the animosity between the two, share many of the same traits and characteristics.<ref>[http://editthis.info/adfki/ADF_and_CWC ADF and CWC]</ref><ref>[https://encyclopediadramatica.wiki/index.php/Ahuviya_Harel Ahuviya Harel] at [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]</ref><ref>[http://web.archive.org/web/20190403234851/https://lolcow.wiki/wiki/Isabel_Rosa_Araujo Ahuviya] at the Lolcow Wiki</ref>

A week later, [[Calling_Out#Re-Calling Ahuvia|he revealed]] that "Jack" was a [[Molvanîa|communist]] and [[Punchy and Layla's Dance In The Dark|into BDSM]]. It was at this point that Ahuviya responded to him, denouncing all the fake information Chris presented alongside his own lolcow-ness. Chris, ''still'' firmly believing the rumors, made [[Response to ADF|another video]] with his usual homophobia.

==In the comics==
[[Image:jacktochris.jpg|thumb|Jack, vaguely resembling [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] prior to that character's redesign.]]

Jack made his first full appearance in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] as the [[4-cent_garbage]] building is collapsing. When [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] escapes, he condemns him and [[Clyde Cash]] for being homo trolls. When [[Beel]] escapes, he, too, condemns the two for their actions, saying that being homo trolls that are "slandering and tarnishing a innocent man's good name" is [[Wikipedia:Godwin%27s_law|just as evil as being an assistant for Adolf Hitler]]. With no option left, Clyde and Jack hold hands and together jump into the 66+6 story elevator shaft to their suicide.

==See also==
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails Part 2]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus E-mails Part 3]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 2]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]

==Sources==
<references/>

{{Trolls}}
{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Thaddeus, Jack}}

[[Category:Trolls]][[Category: CWCipedia Saga]]

Emily

2020-07-03T03:28:17Z

Chris-Chad:

:''This article is about the troll who went on a date with Chris on 16 March 2009. For the "Emily" that Chris claimed was in charge of the Twitter account "NightStar2891", see the [[Night Star#Twitter Sockpuppet|Twitter Sockpuppet section of the Night Star article]]''
:''This article is about the troll sweetheart Emily. For the troll gal-pal, played by the same person, see [[Kim Wilson]].''

{{DeadLinks}}
[[Image:Emilyy.jpg|thumb|70px|The only known image of Emily, shot from behind.]]

'''Emily Julia Schifflet'''<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Chris fails at flirting (0:32:12–0:36:48)]]</ref> is [[Chris]]'s onetime [[sweetheart]] with whom he went on a date. The date memorably ended in disaster when he was trolled IRL by a [[Man in the Pickle Suit|man dressed like a pickle]].

Emily's identity is zealously guarded by her friends, but needless to say, we can tell you she's female and has great legs. Some argue she's Asian, but those people are [[Sweetheart#Qualifications|probably]] [[slow-in-the-minds]].

==Chris's first date==
In [[2009#March|March 2009]], shortly after [[Julie]] turned out to be a thirteen-year-old boy, Chris vowed that he would return to his real-life exploits of [[Attraction Sign|stalking women in public places]] in order to gain his [[sweetheart]]. Emily, a journalism student and head of the [[Sonichu Girls]] chapter at [[Wikipedia:West Virginia University|West Virginia University]] (and totally not a [[troll]]), decided to take Chris up on his offer and asked if he'd liked to go out to lunch sometime.

Chris actually stood up Emily the first time, on 16 [[March 2009]], because he was so [[stress|stressed]] from his parents arguing over whether she was real or not. [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] believed that Emily was sincere and truly wanted to meet Chris, while [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] was more suspicious. Chris's small mind could not handle two simultaneous arguments and so he didn't go.<ref>[[Apology to Emily]]</ref> Emily was pissed off about this and demanded that Chris reschedule. Chris agreed and a new date was set.

When Chris finally did meet up for the date (on 19 March 2009 at [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]]), he brought his 81-year-old father, [[Bob Chandler]], along. Yes, he brought his dad on his first date. [[Prom|At least it wasn't his mother]].

Chris would later confide to Ivy that he was very proud that he did not [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|soil himself]] when the Pickle Man appeared.<ref>[[Ivy Q&A]]</ref>

===Kiss fail===
[[Image:0606-CWC21-2.jpg|thumb|For reference, this is Chris in his kissing stance.]]

{{quote|Well, when I was going to ditch him for [[Man in the Pickle Suit|the man in the picklesuit]], Chris had his arm extended like he wanted a hug. So I was like, "sure, whatever" and was just going to give him a half assed hug. Lord, what a dumb move. I'm a small girl, so I have narrow shoulders. His [[Mass debating|large fucking arm]] basically weighed down around my neck over my shoulder and tightening, and what I could see in the corner of my eye was Chris puckering his lips and his face moving closer to mine. I did a [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|duck and turn]] to avoid it. If I seriously turned my head to get a better look, he may have well have gotten my lips. I wonder if that was what Chris was going for; the surprise kiss on the lips when the girl turns her head. Too bad that only works in [[anime]] and [[Netflix|movies]]. [[Liquid Chris|Or really suave guys]].|Emily}}

===Video===

This short clip contains the only footage known to exist.
<center>{{#ev:youtube|kaLvsLHTsOw}}</center>

===Transcripts===
''See [[Emily Date Conversation Transcript]].''

'''Post-date conversation transcript'''

'''Clyde:''' Sorry.
 '''Chris:''' What's up?
 '''Emily:''' I think we need to talk.
 '''Chris:''' Okay.
 '''Emily:''' Becau— It's not me, Chris. It's you. And, you know, I was just thinking about yesterday. I really didn't appreciate you, like, [[Megan|touching]] me all the time.
 '''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what?
 '''Emily:''' I di— I didn't appreciate you, like, constantly touching me, okay? You'd, like, just met me, and you were touching me constantly.
 '''Chris:''' Oh. I'm sorry.
 '''Emily:''' [''interrupting''] I mean, you should never do that to a woman on, like, you know, one that you just met. And especially when you try, like... You tried to kiss me, okay? That's not right at all.
 '''Chris:''' I'm so sorry, I was a little nervous. I was nervous, a little bit.
 '''Emily:''' Why would you try to kiss somebody when— If you're nervous? I mean, I thought, like, people would be nervous and ''not'' try to kiss somebody.
 '''Chris:''' I don't—
 '''Emily:''' But anyways. Let me tell you about—
 '''Chris:''' Anyway.
 '''Emily:''' You'll probably ne— You'll probably never hear from me again, Chris, because The Pickle Man was just— He was a perfect gentleman, okay? He, like, took me out on a date and paid for my movie, and, like, since he kept his hands off of me, he got, like, a little extra ''extra'' from me, and that could have been you, Chris. Okay? So— And then he took me to meet Clyde, and Clyde's, like, a perfect gentleman as well. So, I'm going to be living in his mansion from now on.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm... Anyway, did you get back to West Virginia okay?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. Well, I didn't exactly go back to West Virginia; I'm going to be living with Clyde now, with, uh, with [[Julie]], and [[Blanca]], and [[Sarah]], and everyone else, Chris. Do you understand?
 '''Chris:''' I see.
 '''Emily:''' Like, like, since... You don't understand, like, all the women that you've mistreated in the past, they're living with Clyde because he is rehabilitating them.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm... I see... [''pause''] Well, I don't know what to say.
 '''Emily:''' So, do you have anything else to say?
 '''Chris:''' Umm... Well, this is the, uh... Well, uh, all I can say is, uh, I’m sorry about if you feel— If you feel— If I— That if I mistreated you, and, uh, somewhat, if you— If you felt like I, uh, did wrong.
 '''Emily:''' Because I don't know why— Why you have, like against, like, these men in the...pickle suits or whatever. Because he was just a guy in a pickle suit. I don’t understand, like, what was so, like, threatening about him. And apparently, you, like, called the cops on him? I mean, what did he do wrong? How you gotta report him? Saying that, like, a guy in a pickle suit's, like, stole your date.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I think in the past, uh, there, uh, yeah, Guy in The Pickle Suit posed as, uh, Blanca.
 '''Emily:''' But, I mean—
 '''Chris:''' And, uh...
 '''Emily:''' You, like, didn’t know this guy, and you’re already passing judgment on him, and you’re already, like… You passed judgment on thi— On Clyde, okay? Clyde’s like, the nicest guy ever, okay? He is, like… He is gonna be, like, taking care of me for the rest of the li— Rest of my life. ‘Cause he is loaded with cash.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm...
 '''Emily:''' Hence why his last name is "Cash".
 '''Chris:''' I see. Well, anyway, uh, if that’s what you want, uh, I can’t, uh, force you or anyth— Or anything else. So, uh—
 '''Emily:''' But, Chris, you should be careful [''Chris overlapping, indistinct'']. But you should be careful, Chris, on, like, all the women that you encounter, you better make sure that you treat them properly, do not touch them on the first date; [[Women's rights|don’t try to fucking kiss them]], and, you know, you’ll have no problems, but if you do, you know, the pickle men will come and take them away, and take them to Clyde, and he is gonna take care of them for the rest of their lives as well.
 '''Chris:''' I see. Alright. Okay. Alright, well, you— You take care of yourself.
 '''Clyde:''' Hey, why don't you take care of yourself, too, Chris, okay?
 '''Chris:''' Uh, yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

''For the second part of this audio, which is unrelated to Emily, see [[Hooker_incident|The Hooker Incident]].''

==Hindsight==
On 17 [[April 2009]], a [[white knight]]/counter-troll named Harbal revealed to Chris by email that Emily was a troll and that she wore a wire during her date with Chris. In said email, Chris was also directed to audios of his conversations with Emily on the website of [[The Miscreants]].<ref>[[White knight E-mails#17 April 2009 — Harbal]]</ref> On 31 [[August 2009]], Chris mentioned learning from the The Miscreants's website that Emily wore a wire during their date,<ref>[[Kacey Call 24]]</ref> suggesting that he did not ignore Harbal's email.

An individual named Emily is referred to in several chats from the [[Vanessa Saga]]. During [[Vanessa AIM Chat 6]], [[Vanessa AIM Chat 8]] and [[Vanessa AIM Chat 9]] (conducted on 21, 27 and 30 [[April 2009]] respectively) Chris was simultaneously instant messaging this Emily and chatting with [[Joshua Martinez]] (posing as [[Vanessa Hudgens]]). In Vanessa AIM Chat 8, Chris mentions having met this Emily and also says that she has a bodyguard (the reason for this is not specified). It is unknown whether or not this Emily is the same person as the Emily who met Chris in Charlottesville Fashion Square.

All the references to the Emily from the Vanessa saga came after Harbal's email. Therefore, if we assume that two Emilys are indeed the same, an explanation is needed as to why Chris continued being in contact with her despite Harbal's warning. It may that be it took a while for Chris to come to terms with the information that was sent to him. Harbal also told Chris that Ivy was a troll, and yet Chris continued being in contact with her afterwards.<ref>[[For My Sweetest Ivy]]</ref>

Emily may have been referenced by Chris In [[Sonichu 9#Episode 19: Date Ed (Even Though the Idea Sounds Dated)|episode 19]] of [[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]. The [[dating education]] class on which the story focuses has a student named Emily Ryan and a student named Fred Shiflet, whose last name is the same as that of Emily. In the final exam of Date Ed Fred gets a 91 and Emily gets an 82.<ref>''[[Sonichu 9]]'', pp. [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_9/Page_5 5], [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_9/Page_29 29]/</ref> Emily and Fred receiving good grades might suggest that Chris's view of Emily was not completely negative when he made episode 19.

On the other hand, in the [[CWCipedia]] article [[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts]], which Chris wrote on 19–20 [[April 2010]],<ref>See the articles's [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Gal-Pals_and_Past_Sweethearts&action=history revision history].</ref> Emily's name is mentioned nowhere. The discrepancy might be explained by the fact that episode 19 was finished on 12 [[April 2009]],<ref>[[CWC Update 12 April 2009]]</ref> prior to Harbal's email, while Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts was written long afterwards.

==Other aliases==
{{see also|Gal Pal E-mails|Gal Pal E-mails 2|Gal Pal E-mails 3|Gal Pal E-mails 4}}
In September 2016, a user on Kiwi Farms leaked several emails from Chris, and revealed that she is Emily.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1727792</ref>

She also mentioned that she has played many different roles to Chris (including [[Kim Wilson]]), demonstrating the severity of his facial blindness, as those roles required meeting him face-to-face, with Chris being unaware that they were the same person.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-5#post-1725752</ref><ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1726713</ref><ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/newold-content-part-2.23995/page-7#post-1726756</ref>

{{quotebox|Generally speaking. I mean, I've been multiple different IRL people to Chris.

One of my roles he has hung out with quite a few times and this character came to be after a certain pickle incident which was maybe a few weeks later...? Aside from those, I've bumped into him around town.

He's never called out to me. Sometimes I'll say "hi" in passing to see if it'll illicit anything but he's pretty fucking clueless. Back when I first started I was so worried about him recognizing me places but now it doesn't phase me. }}

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
* [http://www.mediafire.com/?gng0nnylr15nd3a Post-date Conversations]

{{Sweethearts}}

[[Category:Sweethearts]]
[[Category:Trolls]]

A-Logs

2020-07-03T02:56:50Z

Chris-Chad:

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{Protip|This article is about the term "A-Logging", not about Anthony LoGatto himself.}}
{{quote|What Saddam did in the [[Father Call|Gulf War]] was small potatoes to what Chris has done.|A-Log providing a helpful example of A-Logging, by comparing Chris to a ''war criminal.''}}

{{quote|What Chris has done is small potatoes to what Saddam did in the Gulf War.|A more accurate comparison.}}

[[File:A_Log.jpg|thumb|240px|The original A-Log in all his glory.]]
[[File:A-Logging in nutshell.jpg|thumb|A-Logging in a nutshell. You don't even need to watch the video in question; the title and thumbnail are enough.]]
[[File:ILoveRobotR34AndMeNotBeingChrisCompletelyJustifiesIt.jpg|thumb|Remember, no troll wants to be an A-Log.]]

'''A-Logging''' is a term used to describe one expressing disproportionate levels of hatred for Chris, often including wishing him physical harm, usually for perceived "crimes" that Chris is "guilty" of. The people who do this are known as '''A-Logs''', and are considered at the other end of the spectrum from [[white knight]]s; where white knights try to defend Chris from [[trolls]] and help him to improve his situation, A-Logs hold the belief that Chris is deserving of whatever scorn and harm he is subjected to, and then some. A-Logs are sometimes interchangeably referred to as [[weens]], as many A-Logs also tend to be weens and vice-versa, although weening has a different meaning to A-Logging, namely unfunny or failed attempts at trolling Chris. While once fashionable, A-Logging has become associated with people trying to "trollshield" themselves, like the original A-Log, and therefore is looked down upon by Christorians.

The term originates from '''Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto''', a former<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20141206104435/https://www.youtube.com/user/ALogTV According] to the Wayback Machine, LoGatto was suspended from YouTube on or before 6 December 2014 for “repeated or severe” violations of the Community Guidelines.</ref> [[YouTube]]r and "voice actor" who is known for making what can charitably be called "commentaries" on Chris. Commentary videos are meant to refute bad points and offer opinions on an opposing view; what A-Log did was make videos where he reacted to Chris, pointed out the obvious, and went on tangents about how Chris is an awful person (and how he, A-Log, is better) who needs to have harm inflicted upon him. However, A-Log's monomania led trolls to wonder what he was trying to hide, leading to them doing a bit of research on him. The result was that A-Log became known as "Chris-Chan 2.0" because, as it happened, he had many, ''many'' faults similar to Chris himself, [[Hypocrisy|and could easily be considered worse than Chris]]. Among other things, he is a furry porn connoisseur, has made terrible erotic fanfiction, is doing a laughable college radio show (from which he was almost fired after being caught [[Mass debating|watching]] [[Bob Walks In|porn]] in the studio), was the subject of a leaked video of him doing a painfully bad stand-up routine, and much, much more. Ultimately, A-Log became subject to trolling himself, and is the inspiration for this very term. At one point, A-Log even received his own wiki called the "Logattopedia"<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20130403082245/http://logattopedia.wikinet.org/wiki/Main_Page Main Page - Logattopedia]</ref>, which was relatively short-lived and unpopular. He also spawned the phrase "Hi, A-Log!", used to mock A-Logs and other Internet "tough guys".

==Features of A-Logging==
There are a few qualities which are common in A-Logs, and many of them can be seen in the original A-Log's commentaries.

===Justifications for trolling Chris===
Some would argue that it is sinister and just plain wrong to mock a mentally deficient person such as Chris. A-Logs therefore try to justify trolling him by arguing that, regardless of his [[autism]] and other undiagnosed problems, he has shown that he is a bad person who "deserves" to be trolled. Many A-Logs are themselves autistic, and they can often be heard making arguments along the lines of Chris "giving autistics a bad name." Others will appeal to his many instances of bigotry (most of them debatable) as reasons to troll Chris. By establishing that Chris is a bad person, it seems to justify that Chris not only deserves the treatment he currently receives, but also deserves physical and/or psychological harm inflicted on him.

While Chris is by no means a good person and has done some horrible things, including [[October_2013_Facebook_Posts#Megagi_La_Skunk_agrees_that_you_should_have_never_been_born|cursing his ex-friend for trolling him]] (which of course, she didn't) and [[28 October 2011|hitting a game store owner with his car]], it is still somewhat ironic that A-Logs think the best recourse is to wish him death and curse him back. Not to mention, they tend to ignore the many factors that led Chris to behave in this way--unsurprisingly, unbridled malevolence is never one of them, as discussed in further detail below.

===Trollshielding===
Often times, people who A-Log Chris do so to "trollshield", that is, to avoid becoming subject to trolling themselves. Like A-Log himself, they tend to have many traits in common with Chris; they generally have an autism spectrum disorder, still live with their parents well into adulthood, are unemployed and/or are living off welfare, are sexually frustrated virgins, have trouble socializing and forming relationships, and/or are fixated on cartoons, toys and other things that most people their age would have little interest in beyond their nostalgic value. Some perhaps have even more faults than Chris, especially bizarre fetishes, as seen in the case of A-Log himself. However, A-Logs will argue that at least they are "not like Chris" and are fervent in their vitriolic condemnations of Chris so that people don't troll them instead. More often than not, as in the case of the original A-Log, this backfires and they find themselves becoming the subject of trolling.

==Arguments against A-Logging==
While Chris is far from perfect, it is generally accepted that calling for him to be harmed or abused like A-Logs do merely legitimizes Chris's sense of victimization, and makes the A-Logs themselves look sociopathic and unbalanced.

===Chris is not Hitler===
While the [[CWCki]] certainly doesn't vindicate any of the foolish or immoral things Chris has done, what A-Logs ''must'' understand is that Chris, while he may not exactly be a likable person, isn't guilty of "crimes" that must be punished with violence or abuse. We really shouldn't need to point out that Chris being compared to people like Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler is at best hyperbolic, and at worst, utter insanity. Hitler was responsible for the death of nearly 11 million civilians during World War II.<ref>[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Holocaust/36qs.html 36 Questions & Answers About the Holocaust]</ref> Hussein actively persecuted and murdered almost 200,000 Kurds and Shiite Muslims.<ref>[http://civilliberty.about.com/od/internationalhumanrights/p/saddam_hussein.htm The War Crimes of Iraq's Saddam Hussein]</ref> Chris's antics hardly compare to the atrocities committed by two feared and reviled dictators; he's just a gullible idiot who spends his time trying to hit on women (very badly) and make them his [[sweetheart]]s, [[Tomgirl|crossdressing]], and playing [[vidya]].

While he ''is'' quite prone to [[rage]], [[Ego|ego issues]], and has a noted tendency to wish [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|very unpleasant]] [[death threats|things]] on those who wrong him, it should be plain to see that he is simply too lazy, weak, cowardly and incompetent to actually carry out whatever he threatens. After all, do you really think a man who [[Don't Mess With Me|has to spend nine seconds to open a Swiss Army knife]] is capable of killing anyone? Plus, there's only [[The GAMe PLACe#Chris's Attitude at the GAMe PLACe|one extant account]] of him even getting close to fighting someone, and in that instance, he pussied out, so it seems that even Chris himself knows that there could only be [[Kick the Autistic|one outcome]] if he ever tried to get violent with anyone. Moreover, when taking Chris's childlike mental state into account, it's also quite possible he doesn't fully understand the gravity of what he wishes upon people when making death threats, especially when he's blinded by anger.

Chris is also known to exact violent retribution from those who have wronged him in his fictional works, which A-Logs tend to use as evidence of him being evil or psychopathic. For example, he is known to have beaten up representations of his real-life enemies in ''[[Soul Calibur]]'', and subjected some of them to particularly gruesome deaths in the ''[[Sonichu 8|Sonichu]]'' [[Sonichu 10|comics]]. However, not only are these gory episodes in [[CWCville]] isolated incidents, but again, one must remember that he is resorting to this because he is sensible enough to realize that he could not do it in real life, due to his own weakness and because he knows he'll be punished for it, which is, in itself, an encouraging sign. Moreover, even if this were taken to be evidence of a violent streak, it does not merit abuse or punishment as he obviously hasn't hurt anyone except fictional characters in video games and homemade comics. While violent fantasies like these ''do'' merit anger management classes and/or a few sessions with a psychiatrist, they are ''not'' a green light for A-Logs to demonize Chris; he's mentally disabled, and as such needs help, not hate. In addition, while acting out violence in fictional settings is more common among autistic people, it isn't uncommon in the population as a whole; many people find escapism in doing so.

Even compared to many other infamous Internet personalities, Chris is actually fairly benign. While many A-Logs tend to justify their actions by arguing Chris could someday act on his fantasies and commit violence or even rape, they tend to forget about people who have actually done those things. For perspective, fellow lolcow [https://lolcow.wiki/wiki/Vade Vade] is widely believed to have intentionally caused her boyfriend to commit suicide in order to gain sympathy on Tumblr. She then used this sympathy to build a sizable legion of followers who would spam any Tumblr user Vade deemed offensive or unworthy, for a time she practically ruled the site like a micro-dictatorship. Yet for some reason, countless A-Logs direct their scorn at Chris even though his purported violent and authoritarian fantasies have remained exactly that.

A-Logs also tend to turn to the [[October 2011]] [[GAMe PLACe]] incident to try to portray Chris as a truly violent individual. More likely than not, Chris's actions on that day were the result of his mother's influence, his non-existent driving skills, and sheer blind panic rather than outright malevolence.<ref>[[28 October 2011#Email?|"Mom took the wheel"]]</ref><ref>[[DayOut|Chris exhibits poor judgement while driving]]</ref> Likewise, Chris's decision to visit a local [[GameStop]] he was banned from [[26 December 2014|and subsequently macing an employee]] who tried to get him to leave were not the product of malevolence on Chris's part. It was caused by Chris's [[Chris and reality|assumption]] that he would be allowed in because he was [[Honor roll|in disguise]], and [[Ego|because he]] [[Autism|had decided]] that his ban didn't apply because he was there to buy, not to [[Sonic Boom Protests|vandalize merchandise]], which had got him banned in the first place. Additionally, the leaked video of the incident shows Chris merely spraying at the employee's shirt rather than his face, which lends credence to Chris's own account that he was simply issuing a warning shot in case the employee tried to detain him, or merely spraying in his general direction as a parting, [[Tomgirl|sassy]] "fuck you" to the staff, not trying to actually harm the man. All in all, the GameStop incident was caused not by a violent streak, but rather by Chris's persistent habit of trying to circumnavigate rules when they inconvenience him, and his tendency to forget the consequences of his actions.

===There's no legal defense over attacking Chris for real===
Perhaps the best reason against A-Logging is the legal liability (i.e. being charged with and possibly convicted for stalking, terroristic threats, assault, or a myriad of other possible charges). Whatever feelings you may have against Chris, there is no legal defense for taking the law into your own hands, and chances are you will end up with a [[Idea Guy|life-changing felony conviction]]. In addition to this, part of the charm of watching Chris is in his eternal rage over a nonexistent enemy. Committing actual violence would only legitimize Chris's victim complex, and likewise would, in such a circumstance, make ''you'' the villain.

===Chris's beliefs are simply ignorant, not supremacist===
While Chris has held some politically incorrect, even bigoted opinions in the past, they hardly seem to suggest Chris is an amoral monster. One must consider that Chris was raised by and has spent his entire life around [[Borb|two elderly, disturbed rednecks]]. Of ''course'' he has socially unacceptable beliefs on controversial topics such as race and sexuality--they were given to him by people whose every word he has unquestioningly accepted since he was young.

Aside from this, Chris's discomfort around black people likely has more to do with [[Bob]]'s influence and his own failure to understand social norms. Chris simply doesn't understand that one does not publicly announce they are discomforted by African-Americans; this is far from the outright ideology of white supremacy that your average neo-Nazi would have. Chris has no history of actually going out and lynching blacks or other minorities that discomfort him. Chris's notable offenses have been applying stereotypes to and picking on the black kids who defeated him in [[TCGs]] at the GAMe PLACe, as well as using "Jew" as a pejorative against [[Michael Snyder]], who Chris inaccurately thinks is Jewish, and taking photos of an elderly black woman who was giving him "a hard time" and putting it on Facebook without her permission. One of Chris's grievances, if you can call it that, is that non-white women don't fit his ideal vision of a [[sweetheart]], which he constantly fails to properly articulate; it is entirely possible for a non-racist white man to not be sexually attracted to non-white women. Chris has also used the racial slur of "nigger" in a few of his means of communication, though he shows some degree of reservation where he uses this word. During the [[Lars Call]], Chris showed great apprehension towards using the word "nigga" and only did so when Lars gave him implicit permission. One of the most famous instances of Chris's use of the word "nigger" is in his video confronting [[Surfshack Tito]] on his trolling efforts.<ref>[[Chris Drops the N-Bomb#Video|On camera use of the word "nigger"]]</ref> In this video, Chris's racism is often found humorous as Tito is Hawaiian, not black. Moreover, Chris's usage of the word in [[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]] is the result of it being an adaptation of a song from the racially-charged show ''[[Adult Swim|The Boondocks]]'', and pure laziness to change every racist part in the song to homophobic parts. When one examines Chris's use of the word, he does not show any understanding of the complexity, history, proper context, or underlying implications of the slur.<ref>[[Surfshack Tito E-mails|Chris's liberal use of "nigger"]]</ref> He simply repeats it blindly as he knows that it is edgy and offensive to black people.

In regards to his past homophobia, while his reasons were ill-informed at best, again, Bob was the likely source of Chris's dislike of homosexuals,<ref>[[Matthew Noble call#Transcript|"[...]conspired together with a couple of other people- kids there that I think were gay[...]"]]</ref><ref>[[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Coming out to my parents|"[...]and my father threw the damned "fag" card at me."]]</ref> not to mention the fact that Chris has had very little friendly interaction with ''anyone'', never mind true homosexuals. It is also worth noting that trolls were at least partially to blame for his hatred of homosexuals, as they would often pretend to be homosexuals, or spam his websites with homoerotic images, to get under his skin, not to mention that they often pretended to be black for the same reasons. As a result, Chris, in his autism, began to believe that all trolls are gay black men, thus cementing his disdain for both homosexuals and black people, as he thought they were responsible for the trolling he was subject to. A-Logs also like to appeal to his attempts to "cure all the homos" with a vaccine made with his blood in the comics as proof positive of his homophobia. While this may be so, it is often seen as unintentionally funny by Christorians--not only because it shows his ignorance of science, but also because vaccines are made with dead cells infected with the disease they are curing--meaning that Chris unknowingly implied that he was gay. In short, Chris is ''not'' the Westboro Baptist Church--he doesn't go around picketing the funerals of dead gays, nor is he head of a power-lobbying group against LGBT individuals in Washington. He's just a redneck who's too indoctrinated by his parents and unused to minorities, or the concept of people being different to him, to know better.

It is also worth noting that with Bob gone, and [[Barb]] soon to follow, Chris has begun to emerge from his parents' influence, and has back-pedalled on his bigotry towards minorities. In particular, Chris has begun to express his desire to become a lesbian transwoman, and has accordingly publicly apologized for his old bigotry towards homosexuals, first on Facebook, and later [[Apology for past homophobic comments and homophobia.|in a YouTube video]], and he has become a staunch supporter of LGBTIQ rights. He has even been attending [[Impulse Gay Social Club|gay bars]], the one thing he said he'd never do.

===Chris is just an idiot===
Chris is not mentally retarded as defined by medical standards and [[Exposing Jeff|as he claims]]. His IQ is within normal range. What trips him up is his lack of common sense. He actually believed that an [[Vanessa Hudgens|attractive celebrity]] was interested in him sexually and that he was talking to her. He used to insist that he'd had many [[sweethearts]], all very attractive women, and never seemed to find it curious that they all either died, disappeared, or were unmasked as trolls. He is an easy mark, not a criminal mastermind.

===Most people can avoid being trolled===
Chris ''does'' share traits with a lot of people, and some of these traits are quite disturbing and embarrassing. It's a fair assumption that a lot of people who follow Chris's antics are unemployed gamer losers, for example. A lot of people have seen Chris and uttered in their minds "Finally, here's someone who's more pathetic than ''I'' am!"

But before you fall into the fallacy of believing that vociferously condemning Chris will save you from the same fate, remember that having embarrassing traits like Chris's ''doesn't'' automatically make you subject to the sort of trolling Chris has had. It ''may'' make you subject to ridicule, but what's more important is how ''you'' respond to the ridicule. You could be like Chris and get [[Chris Calls Clyde Out|BLANGRY]] at every traitorous troll [[Laughs Under Lucricities|under lucricities]], and give the trolls power over you just like Chris did.

Or you could laugh with them at your faults, or even just ignore them and go about your business. Trolls generally aren't interested in people they can't coax a reaction out of. This vital recognition is something Chris never managed, and what set him down the path to perennial trolling in the first place. All in all, if you don't want to end up like him, A-Logging isn't the way to do it. But avoiding the myriad of mistakes Chris and A-Log made is.

==The Hall of A-Logging Shame==
In this section, the CWCki has compiled several comments (and plenty more to come) from A-Logs on YouTube and elsewhere.

{{quote|Obviously you've never heard of what he calls other people who are autistic, and that he calls people with [[Asperger syndrome|Aspergers]](such as myself) "fakers". he doesn't deserve some, he deserves everything for giving us a bad name. The [[trolls]] are also doing what they do to him for a good reason. it's not about the autism to them, but more of that he's a moron who is evil reincarnate and deserves to go back to hell. I don't believe you know what all CWC has done to us on youtube.|GamerXZ0, in a YouTube comment on an original upload of an A-Log video.}}

{{quote|29 years ago today, satan was born and molded into the fucktardian [[Duck|PENIS]] we know & despise today! Should i ever see him i'm gonna [[wikipedia:Mass Transit incident (professional wrestling)|destroy him worse than new jack did to mass transit!]]|ISLAVERDE29, another YouTube comment on an older A-Log video.}}

{{quote|actually, I think I prefer putting many bullets in this faggots head instead.|hanchiman on the [[FUTURE MESSAGE]].}}

{{quote|Hooray [[Bob Chandler|he's]] dead. Now he'lll be spending his eternity in hell while I go piss on his grave.|mxc82, again, another YouTube comment on one of A-Log's older videos, referring to Bob's death.}}

{{quote|Mostly because I was hoping the video would end with him getting shot dead. by the [[Ruckersville]] [[Jerkops|police]]. You can imagine how disappointed I am to find him still alive and kicking when the video is over.|CKO92 on YouTube, reacting over the [[CWC_Lego_Manchester_High_School_Oct_18_2013|Lego High School]] video.}}

{{quote| You fucking brony piece of shit, go kill yourself. If i was your mother i would have an abortion.|randomletters on the Lego High School video.}}

{{quote|Chris Chan u are the single worst human being who ever live. If it wasn't for u fellow autistics and [[Sonichu|Sonic OC]] creators like me would be respected by the world. What you have done is unforgivable. I hope [[Barb]] dies and you spend the last minutes of your life crying about how your a pathetic failure fuck you|OfficialSteroidHedgy, in a comment in Chris's YouTube account.}}

{{quote|I hope you are ashamed that a retarded autistic person (just like yourself) killed 20 innocent kids....all autistic people should be wiped from the earth and aborted before birth since you are all evil i wish the worst fates that heaven and hell can bring upon you and all the other autistic pieces of shit like you|RealReplyGirl4Ever, in a comment in Chris's YouTube account- comparing Chris to [[wikipedia:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|a man who shot up an elementary school]] and advocating genocide.}}

{{quote|Guess whose house burned down today. CHRIS-CHAN!|Bad Webcomics Wiki, gloating on their Facebook Page about [[Destruction Of Chris's House|Chris's house burning down]].}}

{{quote|HAHAHAHAHA|A response by the Bad Webcomics Wiki when a troll calls them out for the above.}}

{{quote|Sadly, yes.|Another post from the Bad Webcomics Wiki's Facebook Page, when told that Chris survived the fire.}}

{{quote|Words cannot adequately describe my '''utterly''' all-encompassing hatred and disgust for the grotesque entity that is Christian Weston Chandler. You Christian, are a shamelessly gruesome, inhuman monster. Everything you do and say only adds to your, almost incomprehensibly massive, list of atrocities. Were I to load up http://www.sonichu.com or some other Chris-Chan-related news source and saw that you finally died a death which properly corresponded to what you've inflicted upon this world, it would be the happiest day of my life.

Happiest. Day. Of. My. Life.|ephewe, on [[I Love You, Catherine]].}}

{{quote|Listen, you fat, autistic piece of shit. I've tolerated you so far because you're going to be my new neighbor, but this is the last straw. You traipse around your yard carrying blow up dolls and singing awkwardly, not to mention I can constantly hear you screaming at your mother. I am serious considering finishing cleaning this lot and selling this property to someone better equipped to handle someone like you. I was well within the city ordinances with this controlled brush burn. Also, if I see any other videos of me on my lot portraying me in a negative light, I will take up a libel suit with you.|Mac Slims, trying much too hard to pretend to be Chris's neighbor.}}

{{quote|God I fucking hate this piece of shit. I hope he dies.|JAZZ HANDS, on the [[26 December 2014|GameStop assault]] video.}}

{{quote|Why the fuck is he still alive!?

God, I mean, the guy looks ridiculous, he is also racist and an anti-social idiot that attacks people for no reason, and now he's a fucking burglar!? What's next, he will become the next Hitler?|Rafael Gutierrez, on the GameStop assault video.}}

{{quote|Yes people, THIS is the person Chris's trolls have been whiteknighting and pussing out on trolling because hes "had enough done to him" seriously, give me a break, this guy is an asshole and deserves anything that happens to him because its his OWN DAMN FAULT|TheMojoCorps, on the GameStop assault video.}}

{{quote|shut up you fatass faggot. go jump off a cliff and die.|Boner Dix, responding to a YouTube comment left by Chris}}

{{quote|Why can't this fucking freak of nature just die already?!!?!|Gogol ginn, on "The Best of Chris-Chan, Vol. 1"}}

{{Quote|One of these days, someone is going to beat the shit out of Chris and I will not have an ounce of pity for him. I am actually surprised that the people of Ruckersville haven't gotten together to run Chris and Barb out of town.|Red Roja, in a [[wikipedia:NationStates|NationStates Forum]] thread about Chris}}

{{quote|Someone strangle this fucker to death. Please.|Darkside780 on [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero]]}}

{{quote|I just saw a semi-censored version. WHO THE FUCK MAKES THESE KINDS OF VIDS? He's acting like a retard and at the same time running around naked. I wish this man a slow, painful, death. I don't care about the lulz he gives us. This man is disturbing,creepy, and should not be allowed to join society.|thesideshowman212 on [[CWCFlyingElephants]]}}

{{quote|Proof perfect that autists should be dumped in the nearest alligator pit when their condition becomes apparent.|GalVorbak on the [[Sign Destruction Video]]}}

{{Quote|<poem>Whatever happened to predictability?
This crazy manchild doing weird shit each week.
Now he's left the internet, someone tell me please,
When will he die so I can throw a party?
Bob's as mean as I've ever seen
and Barbara's still coddling him
We've manipulated him for so damn long,
He's like an autistic sim,
Every time you look (everywhere),
There's a tard (There's a tard),
A retard to bully,
Every time you look (everywhere)
There's that face (dead-eyed stare),
To troll and to annoy.</poem>|videogamenostalgia, on [[FullHouse]]}}

{{Quote|I'd like to see someone argue that all human beings are worthy of life after watching chris's videos|xXJakethesnake117Xx, on [[KCWC Top 10 Dedication Special]]}}

{{Quote|ugh i hope chris chan dies a painful death i mean i think he makes the japanese look like stero-types.|evil-vivianne, on the CWC Soundboard on DeviantART}}

{{Quote|Chris, put up a pay per view where you cut your duck and balls off. People will definitly pay $100 to see it.|YouTuber Henry Panfil, on [[I'm selling my father's stamp collection; come on down and buy some of it]], because [[chris and anger|comments like]] [[death threats|this]] don't make you [[weening|more autistic than Chris]].}}

{{Quote|This is so much more than hilarious, this autistic pig got exactly what he deserved for thinking he could ever fit in with normal humans. Autism is a disease that needs to be purged out from this world, what a disgusting pile of shit this freak is. He got exactly what he had coming|Vunter, on the [[documentary]]}}

{{Quote|He needs to be chemically castrated and put into a forced labor camp. Sonichu macht frei|darknessviking1, on a fan video of [[Send Me to Too Many Games Convention]]}}

==Conclusion==

As much as Chris is far from being likeable, responding to his every move with unconditional hatered can make you come off as being just as autistic, if not more so, than him. Chris will be too distracted by the latest drama in his life to even care about your frothing hatred towards him. Ironic still is that Chris has been so sensitized by his many enablers to even care about the amount of hatred he receives by A-logs on a daily basis. Therefore A-logs are often considered some of the most lulzworthy of the Tetrad.

We really should not need to tell you that inflicting harm on him is nothing short of being illegal, or that there are far better means of avoiding being trolled than by obsessively attacking him. Saying that you are better than Chris not at all impressive, especially when you consider just how much Chris fails at everything he does. Therefore, you should not be using someone else’s character flaws in order to justify and excuse your own. This is especially true if that very same person has no bearing on your life as a whole, and are only comparing yourself to him to feel far less shitty in comparison.

If whatever Chris does really bothers you, the least you can do is calm your ass down, and try to avoid making a fool of yourself from your obsessive hatred. Otherwise, you could become "Chris Chan 4.0".

==See also==
*[[Weening]], another type of failed trolling, and a key aspect of A-Logging
*[[Michael Hirtes]], a prominent A-Log

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20191224005915/http://encyclopediadramatica.rs/Anthony_'A-Log'_LoGatto Archive of Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto's article on Encyclopedia Dramatica, including a list of similarities to Chris.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/GeorgieBoyReturns YouTube: The A-Log Archive]
*[http://www.forcesofgeek.com/2012/04/log-man-in-mirror.html An article from Forces of Geek about A-Log, and a more in-depth look on A-Logging.]

{{Unholy}}

[[Category: Trolling]]

A-Logs

2020-07-03T02:56:07Z

Chris-Chad:

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{Protip|This article is about the term "A-Logging", not about Anthony LoGatto himself.}}
{{quote|What Saddam did in the [[Father Call|Gulf War]] was small potatoes to what Chris has done.|A-Log providing a helpful example of A-Logging, by comparing Chris to a ''war criminal.''}}

{{quote|What Chris has done is small potatoes to what Saddam did in the Gulf War.|A more accurate comparison.}}

[[File:A_Log.jpg|thumb|240px|The original A-Log in all his glory.]]
[[File:A-Logging in nutshell.jpg|thumb|A-Logging in a nutshell. You don't even need to watch the video in question; the title and thumbnail are enough.]]
[[File:ILoveRobotR34AndMeNotBeingChrisCompletelyJustifiesIt.jpg|thumb|Remember, no troll wants to be an A-Log.]]

'''A-Logging''' is a term used to describe one expressing disproportionate levels of hatred for Chris, often including wishing him physical harm, usually for perceived "crimes" that Chris is "guilty" of. The people who do this are known as '''A-Logs''', and are considered at the other end of the spectrum from [[white knight]]s; where white knights try to defend Chris from [[trolls]] and help him to improve his situation, A-Logs hold the belief that Chris is deserving of whatever scorn and harm he is subjected to, and then some. A-Logs are sometimes interchangeably referred to as [[weens]], as many A-Logs also tend to be weens and vice-versa, although weening has a different meaning to A-Logging, namely unfunny or failed attempts at trolling Chris. While once fashionable, A-Logging has become associated with people trying to "trollshield" themselves, like the original A-Log, and therefore is looked down upon by Christorians.

The term originates from '''Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto''', a former<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20141206104435/https://www.youtube.com/user/ALogTV According] to the Wayback Machine, LoGatto was suspended from YouTube on or before 6 December 2014 for “repeated or severe” violations of the Community Guidelines.</ref> [[YouTube]]r and "voice actor" who is known for making what can charitably be called "commentaries" on Chris. Commentary videos are meant to refute bad points and offer opinions on an opposing view; what A-Log did was make videos where he reacted to Chris, pointed out the obvious, and went on tangents about how Chris is an awful person (and how he, A-Log, is better) who needs to have harm inflicted upon him. However, A-Log's monomania led trolls to wonder what he was trying to hide, leading to them doing a bit of research on him. The result was that A-Log became known as "Chris-Chan 2.0" because, as it happened, he had many, ''many'' faults similar to Chris himself, [[Hypocrisy|and could easily be considered worse than Chris]]. Among other things, he is a furry porn connoisseur, has made terrible erotic fanfiction, is doing a laughable college radio show (from which he was almost fired after being caught [[Mass debating|watching]] [[Bob Walks In|porn]] in the studio), was the subject of a leaked video of him doing a painfully bad stand-up routine, and much, much more. Ultimately, A-Log became subject to trolling himself, and is the inspiration for this very term. At one point, A-Log even received his own wiki called the "Logattopedia"<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20130403082245/http://logattopedia.wikinet.org/wiki/Main_Page Main Page - Logattopedia]</ref>, which was relatively short-lived and unpopular. He also spawned the phrase "Hi, A-Log!", used to mock A-Logs and other Internet "tough guys".

==Features of A-Logging==
There are a few qualities which are common in A-Logs, and many of them can be seen in the original A-Log's commentaries.

===Justifications for trolling Chris===
Some would argue that it is sinister and just plain wrong to mock a mentally deficient person such as Chris. A-Logs therefore try to justify trolling him by arguing that, regardless of his [[autism]] and other undiagnosed problems, he has shown that he is a bad person who "deserves" to be trolled. Many A-Logs are themselves autistic, and they can often be heard making arguments along the lines of Chris "giving autistics a bad name." Others will appeal to his many instances of bigotry (most of them debatable) as reasons to troll Chris. By establishing that Chris is a bad person, it seems to justify that Chris not only deserves the treatment he currently receives, but also deserves physical and/or psychological harm inflicted on him.

While Chris is by no means a good person and has done some horrible things, including [[October_2013_Facebook_Posts#Megagi_La_Skunk_agrees_that_you_should_have_never_been_born|cursing his ex-friend for trolling him]] (which of course, she didn't) and [[28 October 2011|hitting a game store owner with his car]], it is still somewhat ironic that A-Logs think the best recourse is to wish him death and curse him back. Not to mention, they tend to ignore the many factors that led Chris to behave in this way--unsurprisingly, unbridled malevolence is never one of them, as discussed in further detail below.

===Trollshielding===
Often times, people who A-Log Chris do so to "trollshield", that is, to avoid becoming subject to trolling themselves. Like A-Log himself, they tend to have many traits in common with Chris; they generally have an autism spectrum disorder, still live with their parents well into adulthood, are unemployed and/or are living off welfare, are sexually frustrated virgins, have trouble socializing and forming relationships, and/or are fixated on cartoons, toys and other things that most people their age would have little interest in beyond their nostalgic value. Some perhaps have even more faults than Chris, especially bizarre fetishes, as seen in the case of A-Log himself. However, A-Logs will argue that at least they are "not like Chris" and are fervent in their vitriolic condemnations of Chris so that people don't troll them instead. More often than not, as in the case of the original A-Log, this backfires and they find themselves becoming the subject of trolling.

==Arguments against A-Logging==
While Chris is far from perfect, it is generally accepted that calling for him to be harmed or abused like A-Logs do merely legitimizes Chris's sense of victimization, and makes the A-Logs themselves look sociopathic and unbalanced.

===Chris is not Hitler===
While the [[CWCki]] certainly doesn't vindicate any of the foolish or immoral things Chris has done, what A-Logs ''must'' understand is that Chris, while he may not exactly be a likable person, isn't guilty of "crimes" that must be punished with violence or abuse. We really shouldn't need to point out that Chris being compared to people like Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler is at best hyperbolic, and at worst, utter insanity. Hitler was responsible for the death of nearly 11 million civilians during World War II.<ref>[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Holocaust/36qs.html 36 Questions & Answers About the Holocaust]</ref> Hussein actively persecuted and murdered almost 200,000 Kurds and Shiite Muslims.<ref>[http://civilliberty.about.com/od/internationalhumanrights/p/saddam_hussein.htm The War Crimes of Iraq's Saddam Hussein]</ref> Chris's antics hardly compare to the atrocities committed by two feared and reviled dictators; he's just a gullible idiot who spends his time trying to hit on women (very badly) and make them his [[sweetheart]]s, [[Tomgirl|crossdressing]], and playing [[vidya]].

While he ''is'' quite prone to [[rage]], [[Ego|ego issues]], and has a noted tendency to wish [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|very unpleasant]] [[death threats|things]] on those who wrong him, it should be plain to see that he is simply too lazy, weak, cowardly and incompetent to actually carry out whatever he threatens. After all, do you really think a man who [[Don't Mess With Me|has to spend nine seconds to open a Swiss Army knife]] is capable of killing anyone? Plus, there's only [[The GAMe PLACe#Chris's Attitude at the GAMe PLACe|one extant account]] of him even getting close to fighting someone, and in that instance, he pussied out, so it seems that even Chris himself knows that there could only be [[Kick the Autistic|one outcome]] if he ever tried to get violent with anyone. Moreover, when taking Chris's childlike mental state into account, it's also quite possible he doesn't fully understand the gravity of what he wishes upon people when making death threats, especially when he's blinded by anger.

Chris is also known to exact violent retribution from those who have wronged him in his fictional works, which A-Logs tend to use as evidence of him being evil or psychopathic. For example, he is known to have beaten up representations of his real-life enemies in ''[[Soul Calibur]]'', and subjected some of them to particularly gruesome deaths in the ''[[Sonichu 8|Sonichu]]'' [[Sonichu 10|comics]]. However, not only are these gory episodes in [[CWCville]] isolated incidents, but again, one must remember that he is resorting to this because he is sensible enough to realize that he could not do it in real life, due to his own weakness and because he knows he'll be punished for it, which is, in itself, an encouraging sign. Moreover, even if this were taken to be evidence of a violent streak, it does not merit abuse or punishment as he obviously hasn't hurt anyone except fictional characters in video games and homemade comics. While violent fantasies like these ''do'' merit anger management classes and/or a few sessions with a psychiatrist, they are ''not'' a green light for A-Logs to demonize Chris; he's mentally disabled, and as such needs help, not hate. In addition, while acting out violence in fictional settings is more common among autistic people, it isn't uncommon in the population as a whole; many people find escapism in doing so.

Even compared to many other infamous Internet personalities, Chris is actually fairly benign. While many A-Logs tend to justify their actions by arguing Chris could someday act on his fantasies and commit violence or even rape, they tend to forget about people who have actually done those things. For perspective, fellow lolcow [https://lolcow.wiki/wiki/Vade Vade] is widely believed to have intentionally caused her boyfriend to commit suicide in order to gain sympathy on Tumblr. She then used this sympathy to build a sizable legion of followers who would spam any Tumblr user Vade deemed offensive or unworthy, for a time she practically ruled the site like a micro-dictatorship. Yet for some reason, countless A-Logs direct their scorn at Chris even though his purported violent and authoritarian fantasies have remained exactly that.

A-Logs also tend to turn to the [[October 2011]] [[GAMe PLACe]] incident to try to portray Chris as a truly violent individual. More likely than not, Chris's actions on that day were the result of his mother's influence, his non-existent driving skills, and sheer blind panic rather than outright malevolence.<ref>[[28 October 2011#Email?|"Mom took the wheel"]]</ref><ref>[[DayOut|Chris exhibits poor judgement while driving]]</ref> Likewise, Chris's decision to visit a local [[GameStop]] he was banned from [[26 December 2014|and subsequently macing an employee]] who tried to get him to leave were not the product of malevolence on Chris's part. It was caused by Chris's [[Chris and reality|assumption]] that he would be allowed in because he was [[Honor roll|in disguise]], and [[Ego|because he]] [[Autism|had decided]] that his ban didn't apply because he was there to buy, not to [[Sonic Boom Protests|vandalize merchandise]], which had got him banned in the first place. Additionally, the leaked video of the incident shows Chris merely spraying at the employee's shirt rather than his face, which lends credence to Chris's own account that he was simply issuing a warning shot in case the employee tried to detain him, or merely spraying in his general direction as a parting, [[Tomgirl|sassy]] "fuck you" to the staff, not trying to actually harm the man. All in all, the GameStop incident was caused not by a violent streak, but rather by Chris's persistent habit of trying to circumnavigate rules when they inconvenience him, and his tendency to forget the consequences of his actions.

===There's no legal defense over attacking Chris for real===
Perhaps the best reason against A-Logging is the legal liability (i.e. being charged with and possibly convicted for stalking, terroristic threats, assault, or a myriad of other possible charges). Whatever feelings you may have against Chris, there is no legal defense for taking the law into your own hands, and chances are you will end up with a [[Idea Guy|life-changing felony conviction]]. In addition to this, part of the charm of watching Chris is in his eternal rage over a nonexistent enemy. Committing actual violence would only legitimize Chris's victim complex, and likewise would, in such a circumstance, make ''you'' the villain.

===Chris's beliefs are simply ignorant, not supremacist===
While Chris has held some politically incorrect, even bigoted opinions in the past, they hardly seem to suggest Chris is an amoral monster. One must consider that Chris was raised by and has spent his entire life around [[Borb|two elderly, disturbed rednecks]]. Of ''course'' he has socially unacceptable beliefs on controversial topics such as race and sexuality--they were given to him by people whose every word he has unquestioningly accepted since he was young.

Aside from this, Chris's discomfort around black people likely has more to do with [[Bob]]'s influence and his own failure to understand social norms. Chris simply doesn't understand that one does not publicly announce they are discomforted by African-Americans; this is far from the outright ideology of white supremacy that your average neo-Nazi would have. Chris has no history of actually going out and lynching blacks or other minorities that discomfort him. Chris's notable offenses have been applying stereotypes to and picking on the black kids who defeated him in [[TCGs]] at the GAMe PLACe, as well as using "Jew" as a pejorative against [[Michael Snyder]], who Chris inaccurately thinks is Jewish, and taking photos of an elderly black woman who was giving him "a hard time" and putting it on Facebook without her permission. One of Chris's grievances, if you can call it that, is that non-white women don't fit his ideal vision of a [[sweetheart]], which he constantly fails to properly articulate; it is entirely possible for a non-racist white man to not be sexually attracted to non-white women. Chris has also used the racial slur of "nigger" in a few of his means of communication, though he shows some degree of reservation where he uses this word. During the [[Lars Call]], Chris showed great apprehension towards using the word "nigga" and only did so when Lars gave him implicit permission. One of the most famous instances of Chris's use of the word "nigger" is in his video confronting [[Surfshack Tito]] on his trolling efforts.<ref>[[Chris Drops the N-Bomb#Video|On camera use of the word "nigger"]]</ref> In this video, Chris's racism is often found humorous as Tito is Hawaiian, not black. Moreover, Chris's usage of the word in [[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]] is the result of it being an adaptation of a song from the racially-charged show ''[[Adult Swim|The Boondocks]]'', and pure laziness to change every racist part in the song to homophobic parts. When one examines Chris's use of the word, he does not show any understanding of the complexity, history, proper context, or underlying implications of the slur.<ref>[[Surfshack Tito E-mails|Chris's liberal use of "nigger"]]</ref> He simply repeats it blindly as he knows that it is edgy and offensive to black people.

In regards to his past homophobia, while his reasons were ill-informed at best, again, Bob was the likely source of Chris's dislike of homosexuals,<ref>[[Matthew Noble call#Transcript|"[...]conspired together with a couple of other people- kids there that I think were gay[...]"]]</ref><ref>[[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Coming out to my parents|"[...]and my father threw the damned "fag" card at me."]]</ref> not to mention the fact that Chris has had very little friendly interaction with ''anyone'', never mind true homosexuals. It is also worth noting that trolls were at least partially to blame for his hatred of homosexuals, as they would often pretend to be homosexuals, or spam his websites with homoerotic images, to get under his skin, not to mention that they often pretended to be black for the same reasons. As a result, Chris, in his autism, began to believe that all trolls are gay black men, thus cementing his disdain for both homosexuals and black people, as he thought they were responsible for the trolling he was subject to. A-Logs also like to appeal to his attempts to "cure all the homos" with a vaccine made with his blood in the comics as proof positive of his homophobia. While this may be so, it is often seen as unintentionally funny by Christorians--not only because it shows his ignorance of science, but also because vaccines are made with dead cells infected with the disease they are curing--meaning that Chris unknowingly implied that he was gay. In short, Chris is ''not'' the Westboro Baptist Church--he doesn't go around picketing the funerals of dead gays, nor is he head of a power-lobbying group against LGBT individuals in Washington. He's just a redneck who's too indoctrinated by his parents and unused to minorities, or the concept of people being different to him, to know better.

It is also worth noting that with Bob gone, and [[Barb]] soon to follow, Chris has begun to emerge from his parents' influence, and has back-pedalled on his bigotry towards minorities. In particular, Chris has begun to express his desire to become a lesbian transwoman, and has accordingly publicly apologized for his old bigotry towards homosexuals, first on Facebook, and later [[Apology for past homophobic comments and homophobia.|in a YouTube video]], and he has become a staunch supporter of LGBTIQ rights. He has even been attending [[Impulse Gay Social Club|gay bars]], the one thing he said he'd never do.

===Chris is just an idiot===
Chris is not mentally retarded as defined by medical standards and [[Exposing Jeff|as he claims]]. His IQ is within normal range. What trips him up is his lack of common sense. He actually believed that an [[Vanessa Hudgens|attractive celebrity]] was interested in him sexually and that he was talking to her. He used to insist that he'd had many [[sweethearts]], all very attractive women, and never seemed to find it curious that they all either died, disappeared, or were unmasked as trolls. He is an easy mark, not a criminal mastermind.

===Most people can avoid being trolled===
Chris ''does'' share traits with a lot of people, and some of these traits are quite disturbing and embarrassing. It's a fair assumption that a lot of people who follow Chris's antics are unemployed gamer losers, for example. A lot of people have seen Chris and uttered in their minds "Finally, here's someone who's more pathetic than ''I'' am!"

But before you fall into the fallacy of believing that vociferously condemning Chris will save you from the same fate, remember that having embarrassing traits like Chris's ''doesn't'' automatically make you subject to the sort of trolling Chris has had. It ''may'' make you subject to ridicule, but what's more important is how ''you'' respond to the ridicule. You could be like Chris and get [[Chris Calls Clyde Out|BLANGRY]] at every traitorous troll [[Laughs Under Lucricities|under lucricities]], and give the trolls power over you just like Chris did.

Or you could laugh with them at your faults, or even just ignore them and go about your business. Trolls generally aren't interested in people they can't coax a reaction out of. This vital recognition is something Chris never managed, and what set him down the path to perennial trolling in the first place. All in all, if you don't want to end up like him, A-Logging isn't the way to do it. But avoiding the myriad of mistakes Chris and A-Log made is.

==The Hall of A-Logging Shame==
In this section, the CWCki has compiled several comments (and plenty more to come) from A-Logs on YouTube and elsewhere.

{{quote|Obviously you've never heard of what he calls other people who are autistic, and that he calls people with [[Asperger syndrome|Aspergers]](such as myself) "fakers". he doesn't deserve some, he deserves everything for giving us a bad name. The [[trolls]] are also doing what they do to him for a good reason. it's not about the autism to them, but more of that he's a moron who is evil reincarnate and deserves to go back to hell. I don't believe you know what all CWC has done to us on youtube.|GamerXZ0, in a YouTube comment on an original upload of an A-Log video.}}

{{quote|29 years ago today, satan was born and molded into the fucktardian [[Duck|PENIS]] we know & despise today! Should i ever see him i'm gonna [[wikipedia:Mass Transit incident (professional wrestling)|destroy him worse than new jack did to mass transit!]]|ISLAVERDE29, another YouTube comment on an older A-Log video.}}

{{quote|actually, I think I prefer putting many bullets in this faggots head instead.|hanchiman on the [[FUTURE MESSAGE]].}}

{{quote|Hooray [[Bob Chandler|he's]] dead. Now he'lll be spending his eternity in hell while I go piss on his grave.|mxc82, again, another YouTube comment on one of A-Log's older videos, referring to Bob's death.}}

{{quote|Mostly because I was hoping the video would end with him getting shot dead. by the [[Ruckersville]] [[Jerkops|police]]. You can imagine how disappointed I am to find him still alive and kicking when the video is over.|CKO92 on YouTube, reacting over the [[CWC_Lego_Manchester_High_School_Oct_18_2013|Lego High School]] video.}}

{{quote| You fucking brony piece of shit, go kill yourself. If i was your mother i would have an abortion.|randomletters on the Lego High School video.}}

{{quote|Chris Chan u are the single worst human being who ever live. If it wasn't for u fellow autistics and [[Sonichu|Sonic OC]] creators like me would be respected by the world. What you have done is unforgivable. I hope [[Barb]] dies and you spend the last minutes of your life crying about how your a pathetic failure fuck you|OfficialSteroidHedgy, in a comment in Chris's YouTube account.}}

{{quote|I hope you are ashamed that a retarded autistic person (just like yourself) killed 20 innocent kids....all autistic people should be wiped from the earth and aborted before birth since you are all evil i wish the worst fates that heaven and hell can bring upon you and all the other autistic pieces of shit like you|RealReplyGirl4Ever, in a comment in Chris's YouTube account- comparing Chris to [[wikipedia:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|a man who shot up an elementary school]] and advocating genocide.}}

{{quote|Guess whose house burned down today. CHRIS-CHAN!|Bad Webcomics Wiki, gloating on their Facebook Page about [[Destruction Of Chris's House|Chris's house burning down]].}}

{{quote|HAHAHAHAHA|A response by the Bad Webcomics Wiki when a troll calls them out for the above.}}

{{quote|Sadly, yes.|Another post from the Bad Webcomics Wiki's Facebook Page, when told that Chris survived the fire.}}

{{quote|Words cannot adequately describe my '''utterly''' all-encompassing hatred and disgust for the grotesque entity that is Christian Weston Chandler. You Christian, are a shamelessly gruesome, inhuman monster. Everything you do and say only adds to your, almost incomprehensibly massive, list of atrocities. Were I to load up http://www.sonichu.com or some other Chris-Chan-related news source and saw that you finally died a death which properly corresponded to what you've inflicted upon this world, it would be the happiest day of my life.

Happiest. Day. Of. My. Life.|ephewe, on [[I Love You, Catherine]].}}

{{quote|Listen, you fat, autistic piece of shit. I've tolerated you so far because you're going to be my new neighbor, but this is the last straw. You traipse around your yard carrying blow up dolls and singing awkwardly, not to mention I can constantly hear you screaming at your mother. I am serious considering finishing cleaning this lot and selling this property to someone better equipped to handle someone like you. I was well within the city ordinances with this controlled brush burn. Also, if I see any other videos of me on my lot portraying me in a negative light, I will take up a libel suit with you.|Mac Slims, trying much too hard to pretend to be Chris's neighbor.}}

{{quote|God I fucking hate this piece of shit. I hope he dies.|JAZZ HANDS, on the [[26 December 2014|GameStop assault]] video.}}

{{quote|Why the fuck is he still alive!?

God, I mean, the guy looks ridiculous, he is also racist and an anti-social idiot that attacks people for no reason, and now he's a fucking burglar!? What's next, he will become the next Hitler?|Rafael Gutierrez, on the GameStop assault video.}}

{{quote|Yes people, THIS is the person Chris's trolls have been whiteknighting and pussing out on trolling because hes "had enough done to him" seriously, give me a break, this guy is an asshole and deserves anything that happens to him because its his OWN DAMN FAULT|TheMojoCorps, on the GameStop assault video.}}

{{quote|shut up you fatass faggot. go jump off a cliff and die.|Boner Dix, responding to a YouTube comment left by Chris}}

{{quote|Why can't this fucking freak of nature just die already?!!?!|Gogol ginn, on "The Best of Chris-Chan, Vol. 1"}}

{{Quote|One of these days, someone is going to beat the shit out of Chris and I will not have an ounce of pity for him. I am actually surprised that the people of Ruckersville haven't gotten together to run Chris and Barb out of town.|Red Roja, in a [[wikipedia:NationStates|NationStates Forum]] thread about Chris}}

{{quote|Someone strangle this fucker to death. Please.|Darkside780 on [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero]]}}

{{quote|I just saw a semi-censored version. WHO THE FUCK MAKES THESE KINDS OF VIDS? He's acting like a retard and at the same time running around naked. I wish this man a slow, painful, death. I don't care about the lulz he gives us. This man is disturbing,creepy, and should not be allowed to join society.|thesideshowman212 on [[CWCFlyingElephants]]}}

{{quote|Proof perfect that autists should be dumped in the nearest alligator pit when their condition becomes apparent.|GalVorbak on the [[Sign Destruction Video]]}}

{{Quote|<poem>Whatever happened to predictability?
This crazy manchild doing weird shit each week.
Now he's left the internet, someone tell me please,
When will he die so I can throw a party?
Bob's as mean as I've ever seen
and Barbara's still coddling him
We've manipulated him for so damn long,
He's like an autistic sim,
Every time you look (everywhere),
There's a tard (There's a tard),
A retard to bully,
Every time you look (everywhere)
There's that face (dead-eyed stare),
To troll and to annoy.</poem>|videogamenostalgia, on [[FullHouse]]}}

{{Quote|I'd like to see someone argue that all human beings are worthy of life after watching chris's videos|xXJakethesnake117Xx, on [[KCWC Top 10 Dedication Special]]}}

{{Quote|ugh i hope chris chan dies a painful death i mean i think he makes the japanese look like stero-types.|evil-vivianne, on the CWC Soundboard on DeviantART}}

{{Quote|Chris, put up a pay per view where you cut your duck and balls off. People will definitly pay $100 to see it.|YouTuber Henry Panfil, on [[I'm selling my father's stamp collection; come on down and buy some of it]], because [[chris and anger|comments like]] [[death threats|this]] don't make you [[weening|more autistic than Chris]].}}

{{Quote|This is so much more than hilarious, this autistic pig got exactly what he deserved for thinking he could ever fit in with normal humans. Autism is a disease that needs to be purged out from this world, what a disgusting pile of shit this freak is. He got exactly what he had coming|Vunter, on the [[documentary]]}}

{{Quote|He needs to be chemically castrated and put into a forced labor camp. Sonichu macht frei|darknessviking1, on a fan video of [[Send Me to Too Many Games Convention]]}}

==Conclusion==

As much as Chris is far from being likeable, responding to his every move with unconditional hatered can make you come off as being just as autistic, if not more so, than him. Chris will be too distracted by the latest drama in his life to even care about your frothing hatred towards him. Ironic still is that Chris has been so sensitized by his many enablers to even care about the amount of hatred he receives by A-logs on a daily basis. Therefore A-logs are often considered some of the most lulzworthy of the Tetrad.

We really should not need to tell you that inflicting harm on him is nothing short of being illegal, or that there are far better means of avoiding being trolled than by obsessively attacking him. Saying that you are better than Chris not at all impressive, especially when you consider just how much Chris fails at everything he does. Therefore, you should not be using someone else’s character flaws in order to justify and excuse your own. This is especially true if that very same person has no bearing on your life as a whole, and are only comparing yourself to him to feel far less shitty in comparison.

If whatever Chris does really bothers you, the least you can do is calm your ass down, and try to avoid making a fool of yourself from your obsessive hatred. Otherwise, you could become "Chris Chan 4.0".

==See also==
*[[Weening]], another type of failed trolling, and a key aspect of A-Logging
*[[Michael Hirtes]], a prominent A-Log

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20191224005915/http://encyclopediadramatica.rs/Anthony_'A-Log'_LoGatto Archive of Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto's article on Encyclopedia Dramatica. including a list of similarities to Chris]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/GeorgieBoyReturns YouTube: The A-Log Archive]
*[http://www.forcesofgeek.com/2012/04/log-man-in-mirror.html An article from Forces of Geek about A-Log, and a more in-depth look on A-Logging.]

{{Unholy}}

[[Category: Trolling]]

User:Chris-Chad

2020-06-30T03:07:05Z

Chris-Chad: User page creation

For Julie's Eyes Only

2020-06-30T02:55:53Z

Chris-Chad:

{{honest}}
<div style="position:fixed; bottom:0; right:0">[[Image:JULAY-small.gif|right|JULAY!]]</div>

 
[[Image:Blowupdoll.gif|center]]

{{protip|"JULLLAAAY" is a discredited meme. Only [[weens]] comment on Chris related videos with any variant of "JULLAAAAAAAY". Even bigger weens are people who think it's funny to PM and/or e-mail Chris with "JULLLAAAAAAAAAY". The biggest weens are those who think it's funny to call Chris's house and scream "JULAAAAAAAAAAAAAY".}}

[[File:JULAY! autograph.jpg|thumb|200px|Chris wrote "that darned Meme Word" on an autograph and sold it for $75 on [[eBay]].]]

On 20 [[February 2009]], one of the closest things [[Christian Weston Chandler]] will ever have to a sex tape was leaked to the Internet. The video file '''For Julies Eyes Only.MP4''' consists of nearly eight minutes of Chris, completely nude except for his socks, making love to [[Kimmi|an inflatable sex doll]]. The sex tape was soon uploaded to SlutLoad where it has received over 3.2 million views.

On 31 [[May 2016]] it has been proven that Chris [[IMG 3207|still hasn't learned from his mistake]].

On 21 [[April 2018]] he once again [[All Star|made the same mistake]].

==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = For Julie's Eyes Only
| video = {{#ev:youtube|MecdJiovNt0}}
| stardate = 20 [[February 2009]]
| subject = {{Sex|text}}
| Saga = {{Julie|text}}
| style = {{Crazy|text}}
| shirt = None
| other = {{Leaked|text}}
| previous = [[CWC Update 18 February 2009]]
| next = [[Ode to Julie]]
}}

==Transcript==
{{quote|JULAAAAAAY!!!! JULAAAAAAY!!!! |Chris while humping Kimmi.}}
{{quote|You take that like a good, bad girl!|Also while humping Kimmi.}}
{{quote|I'm ready to cum!!|Again, while humping Kimmi.}}

'''0:00-0:05''' [''Chris sits cross-legged on his bed, holding Kimmi up as though it were a naked girl standing before him, says "Hey, Julie," and glances at her.'']

'''0:06-0:10''' [''He lies back as he pulls the doll into position over his [[duck]].''] "I love you, Julie..."

'''0:11-0:28''' [''He grips the doll, possibly trying to finger its asshole. He seems confused as to how to effectively copulate with this device.'']

'''0:29-0:44''' [''Our hero abandons all pretense and bends the doll at an unnatural angle (with its upper body pointed straight up and its legs pointed straight out behind it), grapevining its legs with his own and pounding it diligently. Its asshole is spread wide in full view of the camera.'']

'''0:45-0:48''' In a satisfied tone, he sighs "Mmm... Julie..." A moment later, sounding surprised by her passion, he exclaims "''Julieee!''"

'''0:49-1:25''' [''Quiet, uneventful thrusting. Chris seems to have a determined look on his face, as though he is focused on servicing his vinyl lover.'']

'''1:26-1:32''' [''A loud snap can be heard, which seems to catch Chris's attention. He lifts the doll up and examines his crotch, then reaches over to pause the recording. In an email, he tells Julie that his condom had broke so he had to put on another one.']

'''1:33-1:52''' [''Chris resumes filming and humping.'']

'''1:53-2:06''' [''He shifts to a sort of scissor position, with Kimmi "straddling" his right thigh. Chris keeps one hand planted on its "breast".'']

'''2:07-2:08''' "Mmm... Julie! Julieeee!"

'''2:09-2:28''' [''More scissoring.'']

'''2:28-2:31''' "Yesss, Julie... Julie! Mmmm..."

'''2:32-2:49''' [''Chris briefly tries to stick several fingers into Kimmi's ass before rolling over onto his side. His ass is now in full view as it thrusts and quivers against the love doll.'']

'''2:50-2:51''' "You like that, don't you, Julie?"

'''2:52-3:13''' [''More ass-thrusting.'']

'''3:14-3:20''' "Come on, Julie... [unintelligible] take that cock... Mmm, Julie!"

'''3:21-3:39''' [''Chris picks up speed...'']

'''3:40-3:43''' [''Chris puts his right leg over the doll and continues thrusting.'']

'''3:44-3:47''' "Oh, Julie... Julie!"

'''3:47-4:05''' [''More thrusting.'']

'''4:06-4:08''' [''Two loud snaps can be heard as Chris takes his leg off the doll.'']

'''4:25-4:30''' [''Chris now sits on the bed and open his legs, putting the blow-up doll over his body. The scene cuts.'']

'''4:31-4:40''' [''Filming resumes. Chris is seated cross-legged in the bed, much like the first scene. He proceeds to hump the doll.'']

'''4:41-4:50''' [''Chris opens his legs and humps some more.''] "Julie... Yes, Julie... You take that like a good—BAD girl!"

'''5:00-5:21''' [''Chris now is humping the doll quickly. His face is extremely red.'']

'''5:22-5:23''' "Hnmm..."

'''5:24-5:25''' [''Chris cuts the film and resumes the same scene, still humping the doll while seated.'']

'''5:33-5:44''' [''Chris now starts to hump the doll on his knees.'']

'''5:45-5:53''' [''Chris now straddles the doll face-down, thrusting like a rabbit.'']

'''5:54-6:04''' [''Chris holds the doll's boobies and starts to "ride" Kimmi.'']

'''6:05-6:09''' "Oh, Julie...JULAAAAAY, JULAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

'''6:23-6:40''' "Ju— Yeah... Julie! Julie! Hnmph...hnm... Hnmph...uhh...uhh...uh..."

'''6:47-7:09''' "Hnm, ah, yeah, JULIE! I'm— ah, I'm ready to CUUUM!!! JULIE! JULAY! JULAY! JULIEEE! Julie... HNMPH!" [''More moaning.'']

'''7:10-7:24''' "AAAAUUUUGHHHHAAAHNNN!!!" [''More moaning.'']

'''7:25-7:40''' [''Chris suffocates the doll with his weight by lying over her. He thrusts a couple of times and turns off the camera.''] "Julie, thank you."


==Postcards==

[[Image:Postcard_from_Ebaums.jpg|thumb|center|Greetings to the Chandler family!]]
Postcards of the act were sent direct to [[Bob Chandler|Chris's father]] by an anonymous troll in early March. His family's reaction is unknown, except that his [[PSEye]] was briefly taken away.

==Fan videos==

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = [[A-Log]] Watches A Man Fuck A Blow-Up Doll
| video = {{#ev:youtube|hnkxUcn-2Gc}}
| stardate = 20 [[May 2012]]
| maker = [[Anthony LoGatto]]
| subject = {{Sex|text}}, {{Smug|[[Narcissism]]}}, {{Violence|[[Death Threats]]}}
| type = "Commentary"/A-Logging
| info = Warning: this video is painful.}}

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = JULAAAY: A-Log Edition
| video = {{#ev:youtube|-Ve-lcD5TT4}}
| stardate = 19 [[July 2012]]
| maker = [http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEfTnwTUTjRIuC5MQk9AsnA The A-Log Archive]
| info = For [[/cwc/]]
|}}

==See also==
* [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]]
* [[Calling Out "Julaaaay" - David]]
*[[IMG 3207]] - Chris' second "attempt" at a sex tape.
*[[All Star]] - Chris' third sex tape, brought to you by the [[Idea Guy|Idea Guys]].

==External links==
* [https://archive.org/details/cwc-forjulieseyesonly Watch it online]
* [http://eye.swfchan.com/flash.asp?id=52656&n=JULAY.swf JULAY + TIMMEH!]
* [https://goblinrefuge.com/mediagoblin/u/lekeksz/m/for-julie-s-eyes-only/ Alternate video mirror]
* [http://sonichumart.com/vids/2009-02-20+For_Julie%27s_Eyes_Only.MP4 Download the full video here!] (broken)

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[CWC Update 18 February 2009]]|nextlink=[[CWC Update 4 March 2009]]|}}
{{LeakedVideos}}
{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category: Chris-chan videos, February 2009| 2009-02-20]]
[[Category: Julie saga videos| 2009-02-20]]
[[Category:Videos containing nudity| 2009-02-20]]

A-Logs

2020-06-30T02:51:50Z

Chris-Chad: Add/fix citations

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{Protip|This article is about the term "A-Logging", not about Anthony LoGatto himself.}}
{{quote|What Saddam did in the [[Father Call|Gulf War]] was small potatoes to what Chris has done.|A-Log providing a helpful example of A-Logging, by comparing Chris to a ''war criminal.''}}

{{quote|What Chris has done is small potatoes to what Saddam did in the Gulf War.|A more accurate comparison.}}

[[File:A_Log.jpg|thumb|240px|The original A-Log in all his glory.]]
[[File:A-Logging in nutshell.jpg|thumb|A-Logging in a nutshell. You don't even need to watch the video in question; the title and thumbnail are enough.]]
[[File:ILoveRobotR34AndMeNotBeingChrisCompletelyJustifiesIt.jpg|thumb|Remember, no troll wants to be an A-Log.]]

'''A-Logging''' is a term used to describe one expressing disproportionate levels of hatred for Chris, often including wishing him physical harm, usually for perceived "crimes" that Chris is "guilty" of. The people who do this are known as '''A-Logs''', and are considered at the other end of the spectrum from [[white knight]]s; where white knights try to defend Chris from [[trolls]] and help him to improve his situation, A-Logs hold the belief that Chris is deserving of whatever scorn and harm he is subjected to, and then some. A-Logs are sometimes interchangeably referred to as [[weens]], as many A-Logs also tend to be weens and vice-versa, although weening has a different meaning to A-Logging, namely unfunny or failed attempts at trolling Chris. While once fashionable, A-Logging has become associated with people trying to "trollshield" themselves, like the original A-Log, and therefore is looked down upon by Christorians.

The term originates from '''Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto''', a [[YouTube]]r and "voice actor" who is known for making what can charitably be called "commentaries" on Chris. Commentary videos are meant to refute bad points and offer opinions on an opposing view; what A-Log did was make videos where he reacted to Chris, pointed out the obvious, and went on tangents about how Chris is an awful person (and how he, A-Log, is better) who needs to have harm inflicted upon him. However, A-Log's monomania led trolls to wonder what he was trying to hide, leading to them doing a bit of research on him. The result was that A-Log became known as "Chris-Chan 2.0" because, as it happened, he had many, ''many'' faults similar to Chris himself, [[Hypocrisy|and could easily be considered worse than Chris]]. Among other things, he is a furry porn connoisseur, has made terrible erotic fanfiction, is doing a laughable college radio show (from which he was almost fired after being caught [[Mass debating|watching]] [[Bob Walks In|porn]] in the studio), was the subject of a leaked video of him doing a painfully bad stand-up routine, and much, much more. Ultimately, A-Log became subject to trolling himself, and is the inspiration for this very term. At one point, A-Log even received his own wiki called the "Logattopedia"<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20130403082245/http://logattopedia.wikinet.org/wiki/Main_Page Main Page - Logattopedia]</ref>, which was relatively short-lived and unpopular. He also spawned the phrase "Hi, A-Log!", used to mock A-Logs and other Internet "tough guys".

==Features of A-Logging==
There are a few qualities which are common in A-Logs, and many of them can be seen in the original A-Log's commentaries.

===Justifications for trolling Chris===
Some would argue that it is sinister and just plain wrong to mock a mentally deficient person such as Chris. A-Logs therefore try to justify trolling him by arguing that, regardless of his [[autism]] and other undiagnosed problems, he has shown that he is a bad person who "deserves" to be trolled. Many A-Logs are themselves autistic, and they can often be heard making arguments along the lines of Chris "giving autistics a bad name." Others will appeal to his many instances of bigotry (most of them debatable) as reasons to troll Chris. By establishing that Chris is a bad person, it seems to justify that Chris not only deserves the treatment he currently receives, but also deserves physical and/or psychological harm inflicted on him.

While Chris is by no means a good person and has done some horrible things, including [[October_2013_Facebook_Posts#Megagi_La_Skunk_agrees_that_you_should_have_never_been_born|cursing his ex-friend for trolling him]] (which of course, she didn't) and [[28 October 2011|hitting a game store owner with his car]], it is still somewhat ironic that A-Logs think the best recourse is to wish him death and curse him back. Not to mention, they tend to ignore the many factors that led Chris to behave in this way--unsurprisingly, unbridled malevolence is never one of them, as discussed in further detail below.

===Trollshielding===
Often times, people who A-Log Chris do so to "trollshield", that is, to avoid becoming subject to trolling themselves. Like A-Log himself, they tend to have many traits in common with Chris; they generally have an autism spectrum disorder, still live with their parents well into adulthood, are unemployed and/or are living off welfare, are sexually frustrated virgins, have trouble socializing and forming relationships, and/or are fixated on cartoons, toys and other things that most people their age would have little interest in beyond their nostalgic value. Some perhaps have even more faults than Chris, especially bizarre fetishes, as seen in the case of A-Log himself. However, A-Logs will argue that at least they are "not like Chris" and are fervent in their vitriolic condemnations of Chris so that people don't troll them instead. More often than not, as in the case of the original A-Log, this backfires and they find themselves becoming the subject of trolling.

==Arguments against A-Logging==
While Chris is far from perfect, it is generally accepted that calling for him to be harmed or abused like A-Logs do merely legitimizes Chris's sense of victimization, and makes the A-Logs themselves look sociopathic and unbalanced.

===Chris is not Hitler===
While the [[CWCki]] certainly doesn't vindicate any of the foolish or immoral things Chris has done, what A-Logs ''must'' understand is that Chris, while he may not exactly be a likable person, isn't guilty of "crimes" that must be punished with violence or abuse. We really shouldn't need to point out that Chris being compared to people like Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler is at best hyperbolic, and at worst, utter insanity. Hitler was responsible for the death of nearly 11 million civilians during World War II.<ref>[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Holocaust/36qs.html 36 Questions & Answers About the Holocaust]</ref> Hussein actively persecuted and murdered almost 200,000 Kurds and Shiite Muslims.<ref>[http://civilliberty.about.com/od/internationalhumanrights/p/saddam_hussein.htm The War Crimes of Iraq's Saddam Hussein]</ref> Chris's antics hardly compare to the atrocities committed by two feared and reviled dictators; he's just a gullible idiot who spends his time trying to hit on women (very badly) and make them his [[sweetheart]]s, [[Tomgirl|crossdressing]], and playing [[vidya]].

While he ''is'' quite prone to [[rage]], [[Ego|ego issues]], and has a noted tendency to wish [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|very unpleasant]] [[death threats|things]] on those who wrong him, it should be plain to see that he is simply too lazy, weak, cowardly and incompetent to actually carry out whatever he threatens. After all, do you really think a man who [[Don't Mess With Me|has to spend nine seconds to open a Swiss Army knife]] is capable of killing anyone? Plus, there's only [[The GAMe PLACe#Chris's Attitude at the GAMe PLACe|one extant account]] of him even getting close to fighting someone, and in that instance, he pussied out, so it seems that even Chris himself knows that there could only be [[Kick the Autistic|one outcome]] if he ever tried to get violent with anyone. Moreover, when taking Chris's childlike mental state into account, it's also quite possible he doesn't fully understand the gravity of what he wishes upon people when making death threats, especially when he's blinded by anger.

Chris is also known to exact violent retribution from those who have wronged him in his fictional works, which A-Logs tend to use as evidence of him being evil or psychopathic. For example, he is known to have beaten up representations of his real-life enemies in ''[[Soul Calibur]]'', and subjected some of them to particularly gruesome deaths in the ''[[Sonichu 8|Sonichu]]'' [[Sonichu 10|comics]]. However, not only are these gory episodes in [[CWCville]] isolated incidents, but again, one must remember that he is resorting to this because he is sensible enough to realize that he could not do it in real life, due to his own weakness and because he knows he'll be punished for it, which is, in itself, an encouraging sign. Moreover, even if this were taken to be evidence of a violent streak, it does not merit abuse or punishment as he obviously hasn't hurt anyone except fictional characters in video games and homemade comics. While violent fantasies like these ''do'' merit anger management classes and/or a few sessions with a psychiatrist, they are ''not'' a green light for A-Logs to demonize Chris; he's mentally disabled, and as such needs help, not hate. In addition, while acting out violence in fictional settings is more common among autistic people, it isn't uncommon in the population as a whole; many people find escapism in doing so.

Even compared to many other infamous Internet personalities, Chris is actually fairly benign. While many A-Logs tend to justify their actions by arguing Chris could someday act on his fantasies and commit violence or even rape, they tend to forget about people who have actually done those things. For perspective, fellow lolcow [https://lolcow.wiki/wiki/Vade Vade] is widely believed to have intentionally caused her boyfriend to commit suicide in order to gain sympathy on Tumblr. She then used this sympathy to build a sizable legion of followers who would spam any Tumblr user Vade deemed offensive or unworthy, for a time she practically ruled the site like a micro-dictatorship. Yet for some reason, countless A-Logs direct their scorn at Chris even though his purported violent and authoritarian fantasies have remained exactly that.

A-Logs also tend to turn to the [[October 2011]] [[GAMe PLACe]] incident to try to portray Chris as a truly violent individual. More likely than not, Chris's actions on that day were the result of his mother's influence, his non-existent driving skills, and sheer blind panic rather than outright malevolence.<ref>[[28 October 2011#Email?|"Mom took the wheel"]]</ref><ref>[[DayOut|Chris exhibits poor judgement while driving]]</ref> Likewise, Chris's decision to visit a local [[GameStop]] he was banned from [[26 December 2014|and subsequently macing an employee]] who tried to get him to leave were not the product of malevolence on Chris's part. It was caused by Chris's [[Chris and reality|assumption]] that he would be allowed in because he was [[Honor roll|in disguise]], and [[Ego|because he]] [[Autism|had decided]] that his ban didn't apply because he was there to buy, not to [[Sonic Boom Protests|vandalize merchandise]], which had got him banned in the first place. Additionally, the leaked video of the incident shows Chris merely spraying at the employee's shirt rather than his face, which lends credence to Chris's own account that he was simply issuing a warning shot in case the employee tried to detain him, or merely spraying in his general direction as a parting, [[Tomgirl|sassy]] "fuck you" to the staff, not trying to actually harm the man. All in all, the GameStop incident was caused not by a violent streak, but rather by Chris's persistent habit of trying to circumnavigate rules when they inconvenience him, and his tendency to forget the consequences of his actions.

===There's no legal defense over attacking Chris for real===
Perhaps the best reason against A-Logging is the legal liability (i.e. being charged with and possibly convicted for stalking, terroristic threats, assault, or a myriad of other possible charges). Whatever feelings you may have against Chris, there is no legal defense for taking the law into your own hands, and chances are you will end up with a [[Idea Guy|life-changing felony conviction]]. In addition to this, part of the charm of watching Chris is in his eternal rage over a nonexistent enemy. Committing actual violence would only legitimize Chris's victim complex, and likewise would, in such a circumstance, make ''you'' the villain.

===Chris's beliefs are simply ignorant, not supremacist===
While Chris has held some politically incorrect, even bigoted opinions in the past, they hardly seem to suggest Chris is an amoral monster. One must consider that Chris was raised by and has spent his entire life around [[Borb|two elderly, disturbed rednecks]]. Of ''course'' he has socially unacceptable beliefs on controversial topics such as race and sexuality--they were given to him by people whose every word he has unquestioningly accepted since he was young.

Aside from this, Chris's discomfort around black people likely has more to do with [[Bob]]'s influence and his own failure to understand social norms. Chris simply doesn't understand that one does not publicly announce they are discomforted by African-Americans; this is far from the outright ideology of white supremacy that your average neo-Nazi would have. Chris has no history of actually going out and lynching blacks or other minorities that discomfort him. Chris's notable offenses have been applying stereotypes to and picking on the black kids who defeated him in [[TCGs]] at the GAMe PLACe, as well as using "Jew" as a pejorative against [[Michael Snyder]], who Chris inaccurately thinks is Jewish, and taking photos of an elderly black woman who was giving him "a hard time" and putting it on Facebook without her permission. One of Chris's grievances, if you can call it that, is that non-white women don't fit his ideal vision of a [[sweetheart]], which he constantly fails to properly articulate; it is entirely possible for a non-racist white man to not be sexually attracted to non-white women. Chris has also used the racial slur of "nigger" in a few of his means of communication, though he shows some degree of reservation where he uses this word. During the [[Lars Call]], Chris showed great apprehension towards using the word "nigga" and only did so when Lars gave him implicit permission. One of the most famous instances of Chris's use of the word "nigger" is in his video confronting [[Surfshack Tito]] on his trolling efforts.<ref>[[Chris Drops the N-Bomb#Video|On camera use of the word "nigger"]]</ref> In this video, Chris's racism is often found humorous as Tito is Hawaiian, not black. Moreover, Chris's usage of the word in [[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]] is the result of it being an adaptation of a song from the racially-charged show ''[[Adult Swim|The Boondocks]]'', and pure laziness to change every racist part in the song to homophobic parts. When one examines Chris's use of the word, he does not show any understanding of the complexity, history, proper context, or underlying implications of the slur.<ref>[[Surfshack Tito E-mails|Chris's liberal use of "nigger"]]</ref> He simply repeats it blindly as he knows that it is edgy and offensive to black people.

In regards to his past homophobia, while his reasons were ill-informed at best, again, Bob was the likely source of Chris's dislike of homosexuals,<ref>[[Matthew Noble call#Transcript|"[...]conspired together with a couple of other people- kids there that I think were gay[...]"]]</ref><ref>[[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Coming out to my parents|"[...]and my father threw the damned "fag" card at me."]]</ref> not to mention the fact that Chris has had very little friendly interaction with ''anyone'', never mind true homosexuals. It is also worth noting that trolls were at least partially to blame for his hatred of homosexuals, as they would often pretend to be homosexuals, or spam his websites with homoerotic images, to get under his skin, not to mention that they often pretended to be black for the same reasons. As a result, Chris, in his autism, began to believe that all trolls are gay black men, thus cementing his disdain for both homosexuals and black people, as he thought they were responsible for the trolling he was subject to. A-Logs also like to appeal to his attempts to "cure all the homos" with a vaccine made with his blood in the comics as proof positive of his homophobia. While this may be so, it is often seen as unintentionally funny by Christorians--not only because it shows his ignorance of science, but also because vaccines are made with dead cells infected with the disease they are curing--meaning that Chris unknowingly implied that he was gay. In short, Chris is ''not'' the Westboro Baptist Church--he doesn't go around picketing the funerals of dead gays, nor is he head of a power-lobbying group against LGBT individuals in Washington. He's just a redneck who's too indoctrinated by his parents and unused to minorities, or the concept of people being different to him, to know better.

It is also worth noting that with Bob gone, and [[Barb]] soon to follow, Chris has begun to emerge from his parents' influence, and has back-pedalled on his bigotry towards minorities. In particular, Chris has begun to express his desire to become a lesbian transwoman, and has accordingly publicly apologized for his old bigotry towards homosexuals, first on Facebook, and later [[Apology for past homophobic comments and homophobia.|in a YouTube video]], and he has become a staunch supporter of LGBTIQ rights. He has even been attending [[Impulse Gay Social Club|gay bars]], the one thing he said he'd never do.

===Chris is just an idiot===
Chris is not mentally retarded as defined by medical standards and [[Exposing Jeff|as he claims]]. His IQ is within normal range. What trips him up is his lack of common sense. He actually believed that an [[Vanessa Hudgens|attractive celebrity]] was interested in him sexually and that he was talking to her. He used to insist that he'd had many [[sweethearts]], all very attractive women, and never seemed to find it curious that they all either died, disappeared, or were unmasked as trolls. He is an easy mark, not a criminal mastermind.

===Most people can avoid being trolled===
Chris ''does'' share traits with a lot of people, and some of these traits are quite disturbing and embarrassing. It's a fair assumption that a lot of people who follow Chris's antics are unemployed gamer losers, for example. A lot of people have seen Chris and uttered in their minds "Finally, here's someone who's more pathetic than ''I'' am!"

But before you fall into the fallacy of believing that vociferously condemning Chris will save you from the same fate, remember that having embarrassing traits like Chris's ''doesn't'' automatically make you subject to the sort of trolling Chris has had. It ''may'' make you subject to ridicule, but what's more important is how ''you'' respond to the ridicule. You could be like Chris and get [[Chris Calls Clyde Out|BLANGRY]] at every traitorous troll [[Laughs Under Lucricities|under lucricities]], and give the trolls power over you just like Chris did.

Or you could laugh with them at your faults, or even just ignore them and go about your business. Trolls generally aren't interested in people they can't coax a reaction out of. This vital recognition is something Chris never managed, and what set him down the path to perennial trolling in the first place. All in all, if you don't want to end up like him, A-Logging isn't the way to do it. But avoiding the myriad of mistakes Chris and A-Log made is.

==The Hall of A-Logging Shame==
In this section, the CWCki has compiled several comments (and plenty more to come) from A-Logs on YouTube and elsewhere.

{{quote|Obviously you've never heard of what he calls other people who are autistic, and that he calls people with [[Asperger syndrome|Aspergers]](such as myself) "fakers". he doesn't deserve some, he deserves everything for giving us a bad name. The [[trolls]] are also doing what they do to him for a good reason. it's not about the autism to them, but more of that he's a moron who is evil reincarnate and deserves to go back to hell. I don't believe you know what all CWC has done to us on youtube.|GamerXZ0, in a YouTube comment on an original upload of an A-Log video.}}

{{quote|29 years ago today, satan was born and molded into the fucktardian [[Duck|PENIS]] we know & despise today! Should i ever see him i'm gonna [[wikipedia:Mass Transit incident (professional wrestling)|destroy him worse than new jack did to mass transit!]]|ISLAVERDE29, another YouTube comment on an older A-Log video.}}

{{quote|actually, I think I prefer putting many bullets in this faggots head instead.|hanchiman on the [[FUTURE MESSAGE]].}}

{{quote|Hooray [[Bob Chandler|he's]] dead. Now he'lll be spending his eternity in hell while I go piss on his grave.|mxc82, again, another YouTube comment on one of A-Log's older videos, referring to Bob's death.}}

{{quote|Mostly because I was hoping the video would end with him getting shot dead. by the [[Ruckersville]] [[Jerkops|police]]. You can imagine how disappointed I am to find him still alive and kicking when the video is over.|CKO92 on YouTube, reacting over the [[CWC_Lego_Manchester_High_School_Oct_18_2013|Lego High School]] video.}}

{{quote| You fucking brony piece of shit, go kill yourself. If i was your mother i would have an abortion.|randomletters on the Lego High School video.}}

{{quote|Chris Chan u are the single worst human being who ever live. If it wasn't for u fellow autistics and [[Sonichu|Sonic OC]] creators like me would be respected by the world. What you have done is unforgivable. I hope [[Barb]] dies and you spend the last minutes of your life crying about how your a pathetic failure fuck you|OfficialSteroidHedgy, in a comment in Chris's YouTube account.}}

{{quote|I hope you are ashamed that a retarded autistic person (just like yourself) killed 20 innocent kids....all autistic people should be wiped from the earth and aborted before birth since you are all evil i wish the worst fates that heaven and hell can bring upon you and all the other autistic pieces of shit like you|RealReplyGirl4Ever, in a comment in Chris's YouTube account- comparing Chris to [[wikipedia:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|a man who shot up an elementary school]] and advocating genocide.}}

{{quote|Guess whose house burned down today. CHRIS-CHAN!|Bad Webcomics Wiki, gloating on their Facebook Page about [[Destruction Of Chris's House|Chris's house burning down]].}}

{{quote|HAHAHAHAHA|A response by the Bad Webcomics Wiki when a troll calls them out for the above.}}

{{quote|Sadly, yes.|Another post from the Bad Webcomics Wiki's Facebook Page, when told that Chris survived the fire.}}

{{quote|Words cannot adequately describe my '''utterly''' all-encompassing hatred and disgust for the grotesque entity that is Christian Weston Chandler. You Christian, are a shamelessly gruesome, inhuman monster. Everything you do and say only adds to your, almost incomprehensibly massive, list of atrocities. Were I to load up http://www.sonichu.com or some other Chris-Chan-related news source and saw that you finally died a death which properly corresponded to what you've inflicted upon this world, it would be the happiest day of my life.

Happiest. Day. Of. My. Life.|ephewe, on [[I Love You, Catherine]].}}

{{quote|Listen, you fat, autistic piece of shit. I've tolerated you so far because you're going to be my new neighbor, but this is the last straw. You traipse around your yard carrying blow up dolls and singing awkwardly, not to mention I can constantly hear you screaming at your mother. I am serious considering finishing cleaning this lot and selling this property to someone better equipped to handle someone like you. I was well within the city ordinances with this controlled brush burn. Also, if I see any other videos of me on my lot portraying me in a negative light, I will take up a libel suit with you.|Mac Slims, trying much too hard to pretend to be Chris's neighbor.}}

{{quote|God I fucking hate this piece of shit. I hope he dies.|JAZZ HANDS, on the [[26 December 2014|GameStop assault]] video.}}

{{quote|Why the fuck is he still alive!?

God, I mean, the guy looks ridiculous, he is also racist and an anti-social idiot that attacks people for no reason, and now he's a fucking burglar!? What's next, he will become the next Hitler?|Rafael Gutierrez, on the GameStop assault video.}}

{{quote|Yes people, THIS is the person Chris's trolls have been whiteknighting and pussing out on trolling because hes "had enough done to him" seriously, give me a break, this guy is an asshole and deserves anything that happens to him because its his OWN DAMN FAULT|TheMojoCorps, on the GameStop assault video.}}

{{quote|shut up you fatass faggot. go jump off a cliff and die.|Boner Dix, responding to a YouTube comment left by Chris}}

{{quote|Why can't this fucking freak of nature just die already?!!?!|Gogol ginn, on "The Best of Chris-Chan, Vol. 1"}}

{{Quote|One of these days, someone is going to beat the shit out of Chris and I will not have an ounce of pity for him. I am actually surprised that the people of Ruckersville haven't gotten together to run Chris and Barb out of town.|Red Roja, in a [[wikipedia:NationStates|NationStates Forum]] thread about Chris}}

{{quote|Someone strangle this fucker to death. Please.|Darkside780 on [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero]]}}

{{quote|I just saw a semi-censored version. WHO THE FUCK MAKES THESE KINDS OF VIDS? He's acting like a retard and at the same time running around naked. I wish this man a slow, painful, death. I don't care about the lulz he gives us. This man is disturbing,creepy, and should not be allowed to join society.|thesideshowman212 on [[CWCFlyingElephants]]}}

{{quote|Proof perfect that autists should be dumped in the nearest alligator pit when their condition becomes apparent.|GalVorbak on the [[Sign Destruction Video]]}}

{{Quote|<poem>Whatever happened to predictability?
This crazy manchild doing weird shit each week.
Now he's left the internet, someone tell me please,
When will he die so I can throw a party?
Bob's as mean as I've ever seen
and Barbara's still coddling him
We've manipulated him for so damn long,
He's like an autistic sim,
Every time you look (everywhere),
There's a tard (There's a tard),
A retard to bully,
Every time you look (everywhere)
There's that face (dead-eyed stare),
To troll and to annoy.</poem>|videogamenostalgia, on [[FullHouse]]}}

{{Quote|I'd like to see someone argue that all human beings are worthy of life after watching chris's videos|xXJakethesnake117Xx, on [[KCWC Top 10 Dedication Special]]}}

{{Quote|ugh i hope chris chan dies a painful death i mean i think he makes the japanese look like stero-types.|evil-vivianne, on the CWC Soundboard on DeviantART}}

{{Quote|Chris, put up a pay per view where you cut your duck and balls off. People will definitly pay $100 to see it.|YouTuber Henry Panfil, on [[I'm selling my father's stamp collection; come on down and buy some of it]], because [[chris and anger|comments like]] [[death threats|this]] don't make you [[weening|more autistic than Chris]].}}

{{Quote|This is so much more than hilarious, this autistic pig got exactly what he deserved for thinking he could ever fit in with normal humans. Autism is a disease that needs to be purged out from this world, what a disgusting pile of shit this freak is. He got exactly what he had coming|Vunter, on the [[documentary]]}}

{{Quote|He needs to be chemically castrated and put into a forced labor camp. Sonichu macht frei|darknessviking1, on a fan video of [[Send Me to Too Many Games Convention]]}}

==Conclusion==

As much as Chris is far from being likeable, responding to his every move with unconditional hatered can make you come off as being just as autistic, if not more so, than him. Chris will be too distracted by the latest drama in his life to even care about your frothing hatred towards him. Ironic still is that Chris has been so sensitized by his many enablers to even care about the amount of hatred he receives by A-logs on a daily basis. Therefore A-logs are often considered some of the most lulzworthy of the Tetrad.

We really should not need to tell you that inflicting harm on him is nothing short of being illegal, or that there are far better means of avoiding being trolled than by obsessively attacking him. Saying that you are better than Chris not at all impressive, especially when you consider just how much Chris fails at everything he does. Therefore, you should not be using someone else’s character flaws in order to justify and excuse your own. This is especially true if that very same person has no bearing on your life as a whole, and are only comparing yourself to him to feel far less shitty in comparison.

If whatever Chris does really bothers you, the least you can do is calm your ass down, and try to avoid making a fool of yourself from your obsessive hatred. Otherwise, you could become "Chris Chan 4.0".

==See also==
*[[Weening]], another type of failed trolling, and a key aspect of A-Logging
*[[Michael Hirtes]], a prominent A-Log

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20191224005915/http://encyclopediadramatica.rs/Anthony_'A-Log'_LoGatto Archive of Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto's article on Encyclopedia Dramatica]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/GeorgieBoyReturns YouTube: The A-Log Archive]
*[http://www.forcesofgeek.com/2012/04/log-man-in-mirror.html An article from Forces of Geek about A-Log, and a more in-depth look on A-Logging.]

{{Unholy}}

[[Category: Trolling]]

Adam Stackhouse

2020-06-29T16:56:57Z

Chris-Chad: Fixed dead links

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{quote|<nowiki>*</nowiki>The EX-Winner, Adam Stackhouse, was DISQUALIFIED on the grounds of violating the Official Rules on TWO COUNTS:
-He Had Licensed BeatBox Music playing from a licensed BoomBox.
 -He Had his SISTER [[Chris_and_the_law|ILLEGALLY]] in the video without authorized consent.|Chris's version of the rules}}

{{infobox
| title = Adam Stackhouse
| image = [[Image:AdamStackhouse.jpg|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Name
|data1 = Adam Stackhouse
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Male
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Relatives
|data7 = Anna Stackhouse
|label8 = Occupation
|data8 = Filmmaker Cockblocker
}}

'''Adam Stackhouse''' was the winner of the [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]] ''[[PaRappa the Rapper]]'' contest. [[Chris]] felt that he should have won instead, and thus harbored a grudge against him.

In order to win, Chris orchestrated a mass spamming of votes via dummy sockpuppet accounts, so that he would not only win a [[PSP]] for his then love interest [[Megan Schroeder]], but also claim the prize of an all-expenses-paid trip for two to the [[2007]] [[Wikipedia:Penny Arcade Expo|Penny Arcade Expo]]. He had hoped to bring Megan on the trip and eventually make love to her in their shared hotel room, losing his "[[virgin with rage]]" moniker once and for all. As a result, Adam had inadvertently cock-blocked Chris, by simply being more talented.

In a huge display of [[Chris and hypocrisy|hypocrisy]], Christian wanted to get back at Adam for cheating, as he used more than one person in his video (in a rather nice display of family, Stackhouse's little sister has a role, which Chris believed was illegal, even though Adam does all the singing) and used music in the background (which didn't count as it was [[Wikipedia:beatboxing|beatboxing]], even though Chris believed it was a [[Wikipedia:Boombox|boombox]]). Chris ignored the fact that not only had he himself also cheated by registering many fake accounts to vote for himself, and also blackmailed his [[Cole Smithey|half-brother]] into voting for him as well.

Chris was so angry about the outcome of the contest that he created a fake webpage proclaiming himself the victor.<ref>http://web.archive.org/web/20071108233910/http://members.aol.com/CWCSonichu/EPPromotions283.html</ref> He also created a [[CWC is Angry|creepy video]] in which he repeatedly shot a photo of Adam and his sister in silence with a [[Megatron pistol|toy gun]].

Adam Stackhouse is the complete opposite of Chris. Evidence to prove this is the fact that he graduated as a [[Honor roll|valedictorian]] of his graduating class in [[Piedmont_Virginia_Community_College|college]].<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20100701123021/http://web.wm.edu/news/archive/index.php?id=3657</ref> He also owns his own production company, AVAdventure.<ref>http://theavadventure.com/</ref>

==The Original Version==
<center>{{#ev:youtube|xh6BtPs-KNk}}</center>

==Adam's entry==

<center>{{#ev:youtube|lA84b9eCyZA}}</center>

{{quote|Number 2: From adamstackhouse; Video1: It's okay, if you like someone making the music in the background. It took away pops from the rappin of the two cooks. And adding seafood like in the song to the cake... are you kidding? They should have done it without the noise; it's in da rules. A petite comical moment comes around with an empty plate for no sample and turning off the [[TV]] after "thinking about it". I give it 4/5 Stars for moderate effort.|Chris in [[PSN Blogs]] in July 2007}}

==Chris's opinion of Adam==

{{quote|My previously submitted PaRapper the Rapper "Master Onion A-La Mode" Video is among the TOP TEN to win the GRAND PRIZE. 
AAARRRGGGHHH!!! That stupid, no-good ADAM STACKHOUSE won the trip!!! He had MUSIC and MORE THAN ONE PERSON IN HIS VIDEO, which were in VIOLATION OF THE OFFICIAL RULES!!!!!! Three other videos out of the remaining nine: APRELEWSKY, BRUDELL AND SURYABUCHWALD, ALL VIOLATED THE OFFICIAL RULES AS WELL! THOSE SEVEN PEOPLE OF THOSE FOUR VIDEOS SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISQUALIFIED, PERIOD!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooooo [[Chris and anger|ANGRY]] of the fact that the [[Sony|Playstation company]] and their Promotional Associates WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO BRING THOSE VIOLATORS TO JUSTICE!!!! Go to http://www.us.playstation.com/, and register the complaint, in addition to my own, through their "Contact Us" link. So that SWORN ON MY [[autism|AUTISM]], JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED TO THE SEVEN PEOPLE OF THOSE FOUR VIDEOS!!!!|Chris on Adam Stackhouse<ref>http://web.archive.org/web/20070830114517/http://sonichuchandler.tripod.com/cwcson.htm</ref>}}

He also thought Adam was cheating because he thought Adam's beatboxing counted as background music, even though beatboxing is music made with the voice and is therefore [[Wikipedia:A cappella|a cappella]]. Naturally, Chris ignored the fact that he cheated himself by bombarding Sony with fake accounts in order to win.

In a [[PlayStation Network]] post from 4 August 2007, Chris goes into detail about his feelings on Adam Stackhouse:

{{quote|This is directed mostly to Adam Stackhouse; the S.O.B. who was the Alphabetically First Video in the PaRappa Contest and got WRONGFULLY the big prize. This [[JERKS|JERK's]] Video WAS AGAINST The NO MUSIC RULE!!!! His, Suryabuchwald and Aprelewsky's VIDEO ALL SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISQUALIFIED because they ALL HAD MUSIC!!!!

In any case, I LOATHE Adam and his Sister for STEALING my one chance at taking my Sweet Gal-Friend to Seattle; it would have been terriffic. I might have even been able to change her outlook on not planning on having children (she and I are both virgins; although I am a FRUSTRATED, [[Autism|High-Functionally AUTISTIC]], 25-YEAR OLD [[Virgin with rage|VIRGIN]]. And I LOATHE Surybuchwald and Aprelewsky as well, because their MUSIC probably landed those [[JERKS]] in 2nd and 3rd.

I don't have much going on for me really, because I have been the dog in America's favorite game, "[[Kick the Autistic|KICK THE AUTISTIC]]" for my whole life.

I curse those seven people (between the cast of the three illegal videos) to [[Death threats|DIE and BURN]]!

As for Adam, if he is reading this and is asking, "You've got something to say to me?" I do, P.S. F*** You, you Dream Smashing Son of a B****!|Chris in PSN Blogs in August 2007}}

==Adam's opinion of Chris==

{{quotebox|No remorse... I mean, I didn't even know the wonders of CWC until a year after the contest... I noticed a string of comments about his entry at that point coming from [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|his ED page]] (at that time there was a longer passage on [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|the Parappa contest]], before he really went off the deep end). That's when I discovered the apology video, where he retracted the threats on my sister and I. I've always wanted to see [[CWC is Angry|the lost video]] where he calls me "no-good" and repeated shoots a picture of me...

I've been following the whole thing since I discovered it about six months ago, thanks to CWC's [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 24th, 2008|Sept 24 2008]] update video... and yeah, it was pretty shocking and bizarre as I slowly put the pieces together..."<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20130408113141/http://www.youtube.com/all_comments?v=lA84b9eCyZA From YouTube comments, user 1693productions]</ref>|}}

==Adam revisited==
[[File:Chris and Adam Stackhouse, MAGfest 2018.png|Together at peace...|thumb|200px]]

A decade after the Chop Chop Master Onion Rap contest, Adam attended [[MAGfest]] in 2018, even attending a panel dedicated to Chris-Chan. He and Chris even take a selfie with each other, and Chris's interactions with him shows that he no longer holds his animosity towards him, and the two have finally made peace with each other.

{{clear}}

==See also==
*[[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]]
*[[CWC is Angry]]
*''[[PaRappa the Rapper]]''

==References==
<references />

==External links==
*[http://theavadventure.com/ AVAdventure Productions], Adam Stackhouse's production company
{{Sagas}}
{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Stackhouse, Adam}}
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Things Chris hates]]

Jason Kendrick Howell

2020-06-29T14:55:16Z

Chris-Chad: Most links are broken, so added note to fix them.

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{DeadLinks}}

{{quote|I PRAY TO [[GodJesus|GOD AND JESUS]] TO [[Death threats|KILL]] JASON KENDRICK HOWELL.|Chris, [[Sonichu Girls]] forum}}

[[Image:Jason Kendrick Howell.jpg|250px|thumb|Jason as he appears in [[Sonichu (comic)|the comic]].]]

'''Jason Kendrick Howell''' is the original creator<ref><s>[http://encyclopediadramatica.rs/User:Howellgames]</s></ref> of the [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|"Chris-chan" ED page]]. [[Chris]] wanted to call the [[jerkop|jerkops]] on Howell for allegedly having sex with an [[BlueSpike|underage girl]], [[Kathleen]]. (Spoiler: Howell never did have that underage sex.) Howell goes by [[Metal Gear Solid|"Liquid Snake"]] on [[4-cent_garbage.com|4chan]]'s /v/. [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 6th, 2008|According to Chris]], he is also "the Dork of Ages", a phrase [[Things Chris has ripped off|stolen]] from ''[[American Dad!]]''.<ref>"[[Wikipedia:Dungeons and Wagons|Dungeons and Wagons]]"</ref>

==In real life==
[[File:Jasonhowell1.jpg|thumb|Jason wearing an eyepatch in real life.]]

After Chris discovered the [[ED]] page he had some e-mail correspondence with Jason, from which Chris got Jason's phone number.<ref>[[Chris E-mails 2008#August]]</ref> Chris later used the phone number to find the city which Jason lived in, as well as tracing down his [[MySpace]] page, where he found [[Kathleen]] by looking at Jason's friend list. Chris made the assumption that Kathleen was Jason's girlfriend and Jason has had sex with her, which, combined with Kathleen's status as a seventeen-year-old, led to his accusation of Jason having underage sex. Chris also took note of the background image on Jason's MySpace page, and based Jason's appearance in the comic upon that picture.

After Jason's inclusion in [[Sonichu (comic)|the comic]], Chris exchanged some more e-mails with him, but it soon came to a hold. About a year later Chris's [[CWC's Sonichu Site!|Sonichu site]] was hacked by [[Clyde Cash]]. Chris, assuming that Jason was behind the deed, responded by calling him and making the infamous "[[Jason Kendrick Howell message|I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD]]" threat.

Jason eventually joined forces with [[Vivian Gee]], recording his own voice for the [[Audiobooks]]. He also provided commentary for the [[Official Videobooks]], though he didn't so much comment on the videobooks so much as just ramble about the history of Chris with 4chan and ED.

==In ''Sonichu''==
[[Image:Bigboss.JPG|thumb|Jason, resembling [[Wikipedia:Big Boss (Metal Gear)|Big Boss]] of the [[Metal Gear Solid|''Metal Gear'' series]].]]

Jason appears in ''[[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]]'' in the episode, "Rage Against the Garbage", as the episode's primary antagonist. He appears to reside in the [[4-cent_garbage.com]] building on the 72nd floor (because 72 is 66+6. Get it? 666. Because he's evil [even though the actual [[Wikipedia:Number of the Beast|number of the Beast]] is 616]).

Jason wears a cloak most of the time, and also has an eyepatch, headband, and brown hair. The eyepatch, headband, and hair color sparked some curiosity and confusion amongst the [[trolls]], considering that it was almost a blatant reference to [[Wikipedia:Big Boss (Metal Gear|Big Boss]] of the [[Metal Gear Solid|''Metal Gear'' series]]. Some were worried that Chris had actually played ''MGS'', and was now ripping it off. However, it was revealed later by Jason himself that he actually sent Chris a photograph of himself wearing an eyepatch. (Jason also tried to send Chris the first disc of ''[[Wikipedia:Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence|Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence]]'', but due to Chris's mail paranoia at the time, it was returned to the sender.<ref><s>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LndR1s5jIRQ A Jason Retrospective, Part 3]</s></ref>)

[[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] confront Jason and [[Kathleen]] over the images featured on the website of Rosechu's TRUE and HONEST [[china|genitalia]]. After refusing to take down the website following Sonichu's shitty and meaningless speech, Sonichu attempts to fight Jason, only to have his furry ass kicked by Jason's "dark force" powers. Rosechu (as [[The Incredible Lioness]]) then face-rapes him nearly to death (a move stolen from [[Things Chris has ripped off#Kekko Kamen|Kekko Kamen]]), but the "dark forces" keep him alive.

Later on in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Jason is seen talking with [[Jack Thaddeus]], [[Beel]] and [[Clyde Cash]] on the "66+6" floor. He calls them all Gaywads and flies off with [[Kathleen]] at his side to his two-storey house in the suburbs.

In a [[Book10Replacement|video]] released on 30 [[October 2010]], Chris presents a revised ending of [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], in which he reveals that the couple broke up when Kathleen cheated on him with their secretary, and she later went to maximum security prison for smoking [[Tobacky|pot]], where she shares a cell with [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. Jason supposedly dies offscreen in a car crash.

==See also==
*[[Kathleen]]
*[[Jason Kendrick Howell interview]]
*[[Jason Kendrick Howell message]]
*[[4-cent_garbage.com]]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Jasonhowell 08-09-12.PNG
</gallery>
==Sources==
<references/>
==External links==
*<s>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKW4XLBYYfs Sonichu! The Audiobook! 4-Cent Garbage Jason Edition!] by [[Vivian Gee]]</s> Dead.
*A Jason Retrospective: Jason talks of his part in the trolling. <s>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ISr7Fq7EPY Part 1], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9TtPNnyayY Part 2], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LndR1s5jIRQ Part 3], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AG_ySvT2Qg4 Part 4], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umvpa89jZRU Part 5], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UN2-41BQvqU Part 6 (5.2)]</s>

{{Trolls}}
{{People}}
{{Sonichu}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Howell, Jason Kendrick}}
[[Category:Real people who have appeared in Sonichu comics]]
[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Villains]]
[[Category: ED Saga]]