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Father Call

2015-11-17T16:42:16Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

The '''Father Call''' is a [[Phone calls|phone call]] that occurred on 4 [[November 2009]]. In this call, [[Solid Chris]] spends 2 hours on the phone with [[Trolls|Matthew Devoria]] (born [[1957]]), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]]. Matt is apparently a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]].

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest]]y before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.

Their conversation is illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matt berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Chris's room|inability to grow up]], [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[obesity]], and general failure at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial]] [[chores]], [[CWC Fighter|mowing the lawn]], and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homos|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being berated with insults for two hours, Chris became increasingly more [[stress]]ed. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[Liquid Chris]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which ended equally poorly.

==Summary==
* Throughout the call, ''[[Documentary|Portal]]'' is occasionally heard in the background.
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious-sounding claims about his weight-lifting prowess. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, and instead hands the phone over to Matthew.
* Matt starts out being fairly civil toward Chris, though it's immediately obvious that he doesn't have much respect for him. Matt begins by calling out Chris on his underwhelming employment record, and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a [[Pokémon]] Gym Leader seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding monthly tugboat. Matt asks if any hypothetical children (or "'tard babies", as he says) of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic, and while Chris denies that they would be, Matt checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris lies during the call, and while Matt goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous when Chris does it again.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]]. Not only does Matt consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be blasphemous, he doesn't even like Crystal as a name and believes it's more appropriate for a [[Little Tomboy Blue|stripper]], or [[wikipedia:Cristal (wine)|an expensive brand of]] [[Alcohol|champagne]].
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey for her looks, he is questioned on why the great and powerful Liquid was impersonating him. Solid's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''. Matt is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on ''Sonichu'', before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years.
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matt brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers]], and says that he found said video especially offensive since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001. Chris's only response is to blame it all on [[Clyde Cash]], because [[Mumble 9.5|he was being "mean" to Chris]].
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matt tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like," but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, like pulling weeds, mowing the lawn, moving furniture, and burying his beloved [[dog]]. Matt is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother.
* Chris doesn't let the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working discourage him, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matt, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing details about the [[Ohio trip]] in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he won't come to D.C. to meet Kacey if he were willing to drive +800 miles to another state to rescue a fake girlfriend.
* Matt accuses Chris of acting like a child, and mentions the state of his room as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility. Chris just tries to blame [[Barb]] for not helping him. Matt sarcastically comments on his lack of maturity, but Chris misses the sarcasm and thinks he's actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, Chris compares the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matt spent carrying his dead colleague back to base. Matt is rightfully ''furious'' at this comparison, and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matt to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Matt asks him what he learned from the novel, and Chris proceeds to describe the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a ''vaguely'' correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story.
* Matt says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat. Chris ''completely'' misses the point and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills, and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey and a child on his tugboat and a minimum wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matt points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matt off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle, and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be 84 per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by him possibly risking death, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American-born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matt points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, true patriots don't make videos mocking 9/11.
* Matt decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11 (which should've been easy for Chris because Matt told him ''earlier in'' the conversation). Matt tells Chris that he must be [[naïve]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of [[Niggos|the dreaded "N" word]] and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least, until Matthew reminds him which of the 2 was formerly in the USMC, causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his elementary school principal and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matt brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriate "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads into Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" to be a cast-iron rule, rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly attempts to end the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit, as Matthew attempts to hold back laughter; Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up, big time.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Father Call
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|Jhp5WyvPWNI}}
| Stardate = 4 November 2009
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[Kacey Call 24]]
| next = [[Kacey and Liquid Call]]
}} </center>

{{Improve|runtimes|accurately correct transcripting}}

===Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)===
'''Chris:''' Hello?

'''Kacey:''' Hey, Chris, it's Kacey!

'''Chris:''' Hi, Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house, cause, um, they wanted to call [''Chris speaks over her''] 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter.

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did fif--I did 51 reps with, uh, 50-pound weights...well, not really weights, but as much as they are...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, li...you know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times--arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hmm. [''pause''] Well, at--was--was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but...it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like...100 and more pounds for my job--I, but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad for you, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Alright, by the way what's his name? [''pause''] Mokay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, uh, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Oh, Matthew, okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. [''corpsing'']

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Kacey:''' Alright, well gu--just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay. [''long pause and typing noises'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, si--good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm da--I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good. Good. So, uh...so, I've got a couple of questions for you...well, n'I mean more than a couple. Aaai?

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an answe--with an honest answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. [''inhales''] Well, uh, first and foremost, uh, let's see, uh...you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kinds of places, uh, what kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah, w--yeah, I'm looking, um--I'm applying for, like, uh--retail stores and such, uh got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at the [[Walmart]], and I had one over at [[Target]]...I have worked before, I've worked at--duh, [[Wendy's]] in di--Ruckersville for a few months...first off, I worked off as a sales representative for, uh...[[Cutco]] Cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's--that's minimum wage stuff, uh...yi, d'you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at...''Target''...I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean...surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? And how old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27...sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''30'' and you're working at the...''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh...degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know...but I mean, if I--if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get...in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Hmm...I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it...y-you haven't...you haven't had any jobs between then?

===The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had--I did--I did volunte--I have done volunteer work...uh...[''cut off'']

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? [''stutters''] Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' Uwha--what kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, well yeah, I helped the--I helped, uh...the chil--I helped the, uh, children over at the--at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Assistant Gym Leader]] for the [[Pokémon]] [[Trading Card Game]] league, a few years back...

'''Matthew:''' P--''Pokémon''? Di--wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, and building decks from ther-swha-what scraps they had, and uh...di--making sure they kept in order, y'know, d-d-don't get too crazy...

'''Matthew:''' And how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' ...I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' It was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' [''stutters''] That's still going strong. Maybe I--

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...and I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. [''pause''] So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' ...yeah, but also [''stutters''], like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting...but...but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? I mean, and, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and ''really'' helping people. Planting ''trees'', that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have--I have been--I have helped people--out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure that their children were playing and, uh, were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' Right. I'ean, [''stutters''] and...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore? [''crinkles paper or snack bag'']

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, it was kinda, um, kinda like, uh, you know, not too m--not too many were showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was a sa--yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on, but anyway...but anyway, aside from that, I...I've been searching and, uh, doing [''stutters a lot''] yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right...well--aaaah, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pokeyman'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with [[Borb|my mother and my father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for the while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I mean, I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20...y'kn--I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to--to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though...I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I--yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my--[[Rental House|move of the house]].

'''Matthew:''' ...with her help?

'''Chris:''' ...and get a place of my own...

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know...um...ye, some details I'm not understand...I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know...mmm...I...it's like a...whole bunch of details...you know...yeah. [''says "mmm" or audibly farts'']

'''Matthew:''' Explain, please. [''stutters''] I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know, y-sti...

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know...I keep between myself...

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, okay, if you can't s-s-if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh...

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um...

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar... I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go... What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see... If you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, CrySTAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be CriSTAL, it would be CrySTULL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-Y-S-T-L-E ''(yes, he misspelled that)'', you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Tetsas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]...

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But...you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's Boobs and Fame===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' ''[extremely uncomfortable laughter]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend [[Kim]], she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together... making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah...

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you... don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about... I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish... yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls... and, uh... and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh...

'''Matthew:''' This... okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just... this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===The Crap Hits the Fan===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... okay... you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam... that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But... and then what- and then YOU, you made this... Son-ni-chu thing. I mean... it’s like... ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing... that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um... you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah... 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean... that kinda hits... that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have... I put that...

'''Matthew:'''You’re lucky I don’t... you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my... I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother... y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um... I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and...

'''Matthew:''' You made a video...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had...

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some... GUY... on the Internet... that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm... yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to... you know... y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name... And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off...

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you... let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I... [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' ...That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That... are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:''' No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

'''Matthew:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity and Chores===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a... fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and Fake Internet Women===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

'''Matthew:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? [[IRC_(20_January_2009)|Are you calling my mother a dog]]?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and [[Ohio_trip|I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth]] back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I... [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

===More Crap Hits the Fan===
'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. [[I AM STRONG|I am a STRONG MAN]]. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Matthew:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]]. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think [[Chris and Remorse|carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden]]... That was a heavy burden!

'''Matthew:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...

===Kacey Returns===
'''Matthew:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Matthew:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']

===Literature and Health===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I... have... learned... that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lennie throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I... I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed''] Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after... that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after... a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but... how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe... maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't... you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't...[''sputters'']... don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like... half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...

===Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs===
'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have... you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about... minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

===Respect and Listening Skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been... he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is... this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W... well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you... you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send... I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokemon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Matthew:'''/font> Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

font color="#0033FF">'''Chris:'''3FF">'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

'''Matthew:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O... kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's... that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long... do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Matthew:''' And play... okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris Blows It, but He's an American!===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah... Let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, ''really'' turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, ''maybe''.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like...a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly...as a friend...a true friend, a good friend...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

'''Matthew:''' I do know, because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well... Points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I...am an [[United_States_of_America|''American'']]! I am proud to be an American and [[I_AM_STRONG|I am ''strong'']]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic... If you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't...do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Love and Memories===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't... that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...[[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Matthew:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's... that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ... no, okay, her grandmother, who is ''my''...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Crossing the Naïve Line===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is... man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... [[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' 'A line'... You crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment?"

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to [[Death threats|threaten]] me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you... I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spell-check, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making... mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the [[Slow-in-the-minds|only thing that goes faster than your brain]]. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli... what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and Respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I... it was not a retard! No... It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to fight the school system, they wanted to put me in a [[Nathanael_Greene_Elementary_School#The_.22institution.22|mental institution]]! But that was not...

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you... and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy...shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Two's company snapshots|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' You can't think of... I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean... I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's... $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15% or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm... let's see... that would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least... they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well... good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Matthew:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===What Are You Gonna Do Now?===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's... that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together. [''pause'']

'''Kacey:''' [''bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!

'''Matthew:''' [''cracks the fuck up'']

'''Kacey:''' You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...di, uh...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! [''stutters''] I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. You--yo--I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. [''pause''] And I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I..did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. I mean, you can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So, you know what? I-I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. [''pause''] I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the 2 hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven 2 hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean...yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then...and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough, because you haven't done anything like that. Like, you've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, 3 songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''LittleBigPlanet'' thing for me. I mean, come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the stress! I can't do this. I want a real man. [''long pause''] And thi--you can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you done, Chris. Look what you've done! [''pause'']

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's--thi--that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' [''long pause''] I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry. [''typing and long pause''] I would like to say...good evening.

'''Matthew:''' [''long pause''] Ssssso...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 24]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6mRSOBYFcaBNloweEFQOElEdjA/edit?usp=sharing Link to MP3 on Google Drive]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ddn91nknqahn87a mp3 of phone call]
*Audio ripped & combined from YouTube vids in [http://db.tt/vNbYguZ0 OGG] or [http://db.tt/akLWEieq MP3]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhp5WyvPWNI the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

July 2015

2015-07-23T17:31:36Z

Dann Woolf:

{{Ongoing}}
[[File:Bluehair3.jpg|thumb|On '''23 July 2015''', Chris dyes his hair blue. Any relation to Sonic is a coincidence.]]
'''July''' is the 7th month of '''[[2015]]'''. So far, it has seen about as much activity as any other month this year. However, starting on July 3, a cycle began where Chris's [[Facebook]] profile would be taken down and immediately put back up. It is currently unknown why this happened, but it's likely that [[Ween|someone]] reported something Chris posted. This is also the month that [[Magi-Chan]] is to travel to in order to receive the [[Sonichu 10|"homo cure."]]

==Events of July==
* 2 July - Chris claims on Facebook that he has entered an online [[GameStop]] competition as an "ironic joke", and in the same post rants about GameStop needing some type of background check to enter the competition.
* 2 July - Chris shares a Facebook picture that quotes "I'M PROUD OF MY [[Heart level|HEART]]. IT'S BEEN PLAYED, STABBED, CHEATED, BURNED AND BROKEN, BUT SOMEHOW [[Obesity|STILL WORKS]]." and above it Chris comments "Not to mention Soul-Shattered, Beaten, Scarred, Blackmailed, Duped, Deceived, and all that shit the fake exes, [[Trolls]] and Cyber-Bullies had done to me."
* 2 July - Chris posts on Facebook that he woke up and was happy that he had "Fresh Grown" boobs that fit into a D-Cup Brassiere.
* 2 July - Chris reveals a new drawing on Facebook called "Pink Lemonade", with tons of phallic imagery. This turns out to be Facebook's last straw, as the next day...
* 3 July - Chris's Facebook is removed, only to be put back online later in the day without any provocation.
* 4 July - The [[birthday]] of [[Clyde Cash]].
* 5 July - In response to an article claiming that model Chrissy Teigen is trolling Instagram by posting a photograph where her nipples are clearly visible, Chris posts a rant on Facebook, saying that no-one should ever use the word "trolling" or any variant thereof, as it reminds him of the trolling he has received since [[2007]].
* 7 July - Chris puts sixteen Sonichu medallions back up for sale on his Ebay which gets sold out within a matter of 2 days.
* 9 July - Chris posts a picture of his [[manboobs]] on Facebook. For the first time in history, it gets successfully taken down after being reported, much to his annoyance.
* 9 July - A [[ween]] requests Chris to make a medallion depicting Adolf Hitler. In response, he makes a medallion of Hitler being farted on. Only time will tell if the [[To Mr. Smith|Mr. Smith]] incident will possibly repeat.
* 11 July - Chris's Facebook is taken down again.
* 12 July - Chris's Facebook is put back up, but the pictures of his Hitler medallions are taken down with it. Which is rather odd, given that it's meant to ''mock'' him.
* 12 July - Chris mourns the loss of [[Nintendo]] president Satoru Iwata.
* 16 July - Chris reacts to the release of the new ''Sonic Boom'' season with "Three Words: Shit. Damn. Fuck. And then: "Somebody Shoot Me." followed up with "Actually, I Can best describe how Horrific the arm colour change has been. #‎SEGA‬, when you changed ‪#‎Sonic‬'s arm colour, you Literally ‪#‎BROKE‬ ‪#‎BOTH‬ OF HIS ‪#‎ARMS‬ ‪#‎OFF‬!!!", To let us all know that the [[Sonic Boom Protests|Blarm protests]] are far from over. (Even though he will more than likely go and watch it [[Chris and hypocrisy|himself]].)
* 18 July - Chris lists ten new [[Sonichu Amiibo]] and ten Sonichu [[medallions]] for sale on eBay.
* 23 July - Chris rants about the blarms again on Facebook.
* 23 July - Chris dyes his hair blue and claims it's not related to Sonic or Sega on a Facebook post.
* 23 July - Chris's fifth court date takes place.
* 31 July - Magi-Chan travels through time to this date to receive the "homo cure."

{{Timeline}}

Sonic the Hedgehog

2013-11-01T22:53:51Z

Dann Woolf: /* Tails's lack of a role in the comics */

{{quote|[I] looked up to Sonic the Hedgehog as my lifelong hero, because he's not only quck in the feet, but also [[Slow-in-the-minds|in the head]].|[[Christian Weston Chandler]]<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 20]]</ref>}}
[[File:ClassicSonic.png|thumb|150px|Chris's current hero.]]

'''Sonic the Hedgehog''' is a fictional character that was created by [[Sega]] in order to serve as their main mascot (replacing Alex Kidd), as well as to compete against Nintendo's Super Mario. He is also one of the primary characters from which the beloved [[Sonichu (comic)|comic book]] hero [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] draws inspiration.

Chris claims that Sonic has been his "life long hero"<ref>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPv7MqvrDK0&feature=player_embedded#!</ref> since June [[1990]][''sic'']<ref>''Sonic the Hedgehog'' wasn't released until June [[1991]] - see [[Wikipedia:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(video_game)|here]]. Interestingly, this is also a question on Chris's [[Quizzes#Sonic_the_Hedgehog_History|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' MyBuzz quiz]] which Chris assigns the right answer of June 1991.</ref>, replacing [[The Adventures of The American Rabbit|The American Rabbit]].<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#Conception_and_Creation CWCipedia article on Sonichu]</ref> Chris's transformation into a [[Tomgirl Saga|Tomgirl]] (circa [[March 2011]]<ref>Chris changed his PSN quote to [[:File:I am tomgirl.jpg|"I am Tomgirl"]] on 30 March 2011, meaning that he did not became a transvestite in any latter date.</ref>) has not diminished his loyalty to Sonic, as can be seen in his [[Facebook#Sega Mascot Contest|29 April 2013 Facebook note]].

==History==
Chris likely first learned about Sonic from a magazine promotion of the series from late 1990, involving the basic plot of Sonic running around to defeat [[Robotnik]], who was portrayed as a [[Obesity|plump]], [[Chris and his Ego|egotistical]] man who would endeavor to conquer Mobius and destroy Sonic, failing spectacularly each time. A show based on the games called [[Wikipedia:Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog|''Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog'']] was promoted via a [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|contest]], with the grand prize being a [[Chris and money|$1,000 video game shopping spree]]. Chris was one of the two winners of the shopping spree and was featured in a news story about the contest, one of the biggest moments (if not ''the'' biggest moment) in his early life, spreading its influence far and wide, from his decisions to enter contests (cf. [[GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes]], [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]], [[Harvey Birdman Commercial|''Harvey Birdman'' Commercial]], [[Pixelated PS3]]) to the eventual creation of [[Sonichu]]. Chris's loyalty was so strong that he was visibly upset when told by bullies that Sonic was dead.<ref>[[Jackie Chat 9|Jackie Chat #9]]</ref>

==Role in the comics==
Sonic first appears in [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]] as Super Sonic battling the [[Perfect Chaos Monster]] in [[Station Square]]. Whilst battling him, a [[Pikachu]] comes to fight Perfect Chaos and is tackled by Sonic. The power of the Chaos Emeralds mutates said Pikachu into [[Sonichu]], who then defeats Perfect Chaos.

[[Sonichu 1|In the following issue]], he crashes into Sonichu again. After recognizing each other, they team up in order to rescue [[Rosechu]] from the clutches of [[Black Sonichu]].

Other than being the catalyst for the creation of Sonichu and teaming up with him in the second issue, Sonic serves no other purpose. He disappears after issue #1, never mentioned again until [[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]], where [[Robbie]] sickeningly refers to him as "Uncle Sonic".

===Tails's lack of a role in the comics===
'''Miles "Tails" Prower''' is Sonic's sidekick, and has been in the franchise since [[Wikipedia:Sonic The Hedgehog 2|''Sonic the Hedgehog II'']] was released in [[1992]] for the [[Wikipedia:Sega Master System|Sega Master System]]. He has been featured in almost every form of ''Sonic''-related media such as cartoons, anime, and comic books. As such, many have been perplexed on why neither he nor an idiot ripoff (likely named "Prowerlo Sonichu") has had a role in ''Sonichu''. An orange character who's probably meant to be Tails can be seen in the background of a [[Scrapbook]] [[:Image:063-SonicVsSonichu.jpg|drawing of Sonic and Sonichu]] and he is also briefly featured in a fancomic [[PandaHalo]] made and Chris added to [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], but other than that neither Tails nor a recolor of him appear in the Sonichu universe.
[[Image:0860-Cwcville9.JPG|thumb|He did make a [[Lego]] version of Tails.]]
Chris has refused to include Tails in his comics, despite ripping off Knuckles and Shadow and featuring an [[Transformers|Autobot]] named "[[Prower]]". Contrary to what some believe, it is not likely Tails was omitted because of the rumors (made by [[BlueSpike|thirteen-year-olds]] on [[GameFAQs]] and Newgrounds) that Sonic and Tails were a [[homos|gay]] couple. Chris said that "I just did not feel need for a Tails-like Character in the stories. I disagree with all the rumors against Tails; if you read the [[Wikipedia:Sonic the Hedgehog (comics)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' Comic Book Series]] from Archie Comics, Tails gets a Girlfriend."<ref>[[Mailbag_21#Why no Tails?|Mailbag #21]]</ref> He later claims that he "did not feel it appropriate for Tails to be in my comic."<ref>[[Mailbag_38#Chris is an expert matchmaker|Mailbag #38]]</ref>
Despite this, Chris ''did'' create two Tails-like [[Pokémon]] named Evails and Supreon (an evolution of the former), though they only appeared on the [[Wall of Originals]]. Tails also gets a mention in "[[Sonichu & Rosechu… The Genesis of the Lovehogs]]", a Sonichu short story which predates the comics.

[[Wild Sonichu|Wild]] might be the closest a Sonichu character has ever come to ripping off Tails. While they're nothing alike in their looks or personalities ([[Chris_and_writing#Characterization|or lack thereof]], in the case of Wild.),Wild does states in [[Sonichu 3]] that he can use his tail as a propeller, an ability also shared by Tails.

== Amy Rose ==
'''Amy Rose''' is a ''[[Sonic]]'' character created in [[1993]], making her first appearance in the game [[Wikipedia:Sonic CD|''Sonic CD'']]. She serves as the self-proclaimed love interest of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]]. In fleshing out the world of [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]], Chris quickly ripped off the character to serve as Sonichu's girlfriend, [[Rosechu]].

[[Image:Chrischan_traced.jpg|thumb|Yep, definitely different.]]

While Sonichu is essentially a recolor of Sonic with a Pikachu tail shoved up his ass, Rosechu is a much more direct rip-off. Like Amy Rose, Rosechu has green eyes and pink fur, with the spines on her head arranged to resemble a bob haircut. Both wear red boots and dresses, with Rosechu's having a blue trim in a slightly different pattern to Amy's white trim. Visually, the only obvious distinction between the two is the [[Raichu]] tail Rosechu has, and the spines on the center of Amy's forehead, which Rosechu lacks. It should be noted, however, that when Chris draws Amy, he [[Chris and art|fails]] to draw the forehead spines properly.

{{quote|MAJOR Differences between Amy and Rosie; Amy never had spikes on her back, the clothes are Different; Rosie’s Headband is White, not Red, and Rosechu has a modern girl kinda attitude, and lucky for her, Sonichu RARELY runs away from her charms. And, of course, she has her Electric-Type Attacks to boot.|Christian Weston Chandler, damning himself with [[The Sonichu Chronicles|faint praise]].}}

[[Image: Rosechu-AmyRose2.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Even Chris is bored with this sexist gabfest.]]

As Chris points out, the only real difference between Amy and Rosechu in terms of characterization is that while Amy's crush on Sonic is not reciprocated, Sonichu has been sucking face with Rosechu since the [[Sonichu 0|day they met]]. Obviously, this hardly marks a difference in their ''personality''. If anything, it says more about the differences between Sonic and Sonichu, since they respond differently to affection. Since she's already made her romantic conquest, Rosechu is free to pursue the life of a "modern girl", which apparently means [[Sonichu 8|face-raping people]] and producing [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack|amateur pornography]].

[[Image: Rosechu-AmyRose1.jpg|thumb|200px|left|Sheesh, they even think the same words.]]

As an epilogue to the Sonichu/Sonic team-up in [[Sonichu 1|''Sonichu'' #1]], Rosechu happens to meet Amy in [[CWCville Mall]]. With no hint of irony, the two remark upon how similar they are, and engage in a [[Women's rights|vapid conversation about shopping and relationships]].

== Shadow the Hedgehog ==
Introduced in [[2001]]'s [[Wikipedia:Sonic Adventure 2|''Sonic Adventure 2'']], '''Shadow the Hedgehog''' is an anti-hero version of Sonic the Hedgehog. Quickly becoming a fan favorite among the ''Sonic'' family of characters, it was only a matter of time before [[Chris]] decided to "create" another [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]]...

Unlike [[Rosechu]], who is virtually identical to Amy in every relevant respect, [[Black Sonichu]] (Blake) only resembles Shadow in his color scheme and tenuous allegiance to the forces of evil. While Shadow is primarily motivated by his desire to learn about his mysterious past, Black Sonichu was informed of every aspect of his creation by [[Naitsirhc]]. Most notably, while Shadow is supposed to be a dark and edgy character, Black Sonichu is basically just a punk, committing blatant mischief for very transparent motives.

While this might seem to make Black Sonichu halfway original, it really only means that he's a poor copy of [[Sonichu]] instead of a slightly less poor copy of Shadow. Blake's only real claim to individuality was that he acted like an asshole; since falling for [[Bubbles]] in [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], he doesn't even have that going for him.

Shadow makes one appearance in the ''Sonichu'' canon when he shows up as a drummer for [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]], but is later replaced by [[Punchy Sonichu]].

==Comics==
[[File:Sth189.jpg|thumb|right|More likely than not a bigger inspiration than the games series itself.]]

Sonic comics are almost as numerous as the games themselves, pumped out at a whim for a buck; they even made series specific for each region of the world. The one Chris is familiar with is the one published by Archie Comics, published in, obviously, America.

Chris has hinted at and mentioned that he is familiar with this comic series, and the layout of his comics tends to replicate the style of early Archie ''Sonic'' covers. Reldnahc's calling Chris "Prime-Chan" in the comic may be a reference to the character [[Wikipedia:List_of_Sonic_the_Hedgehog_comic_book_characters#Evil_Sonic.2FScourge_the_Hedgehog|Scourge the Hedgehog]], an evil version of Sonic from another dimension; Sonic is referred to as "Sonic Prime" when dealing with inter-dimensional storylines. Chris has also been known to trace images from an early special of the comic, "Super Sonic vs. Hyper Knuckles", for the basis of some of his fight scenes, and one of the early shorts, entitled "Sonichu 25 Years Later," takes its name from a 2004 arc called "Mobius 25 Years Later." Whether he still reads the comics now or not is unknown. He has stated that he would like ''Sonichu'' to be published by Archie Comics.<ref>[[IRC (22 December 2008)]]</ref><ref>[[Mumble 6|Mumble Chat #6]]</ref> If Chris still reads it, it will probably be a source of plagiarism and mass-debating for years to come.

Starting in [[April 2010]], [[Sony]] began releasing the Archie ''Sonic'' comics for download via the [[Playstation Network]].<ref>[http://blog.us.playstation.com/2010/04/22/playstation-comics-store-update-17/ PlayStation Comics Store Update]</ref> The likelihood that Chris has purchased them? [[Chris and money|Close to 100%.]]

==Plagiarism==
To put it bluntly, Sonichu is a [[copyright]] infringement. Chris tries to work around this fact by claiming that Sonichu is a [[parody]] of Sonic the Hedgehog, but Chris clearly does not understand what the word means, as Sonichu does not derive humor or provide commentary on the original franchise.

Though, since Ken Penders, former writer of the Archie Comics, can claim copyright on his Knuckles Ripoffs, then there's hope for Chris yet.

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Modern-classic.png|Sonic with his 90's counterpart.
Image:001-Christophers1stSonic.jpg|Chris drew this in between ages 8 and 28.
Image:075-SonicAndSonichu.jpg|He's a street smart cop with twenty years on the force! He's a rookie straight out of academy! Together, they fight crime!
Image:063-SonicVsSonichu.jpg|Because we all like to see our favorite heroes crossover one day! [[Sonichu 1|Oh wait!]]
Image:0065-Sonic.jpg|Sonic looking an awful lot like Chris.
Image:326-SonicJamCard.jpg|...I thought the answer was "Aim for the [[Sonichu 4|sourdough region]]"?
Image:327-SonicJamCardBck.jpg|[[6 June 2010|Yep,]] [[Don't Mess With Me|that]] [[Sonichu 10|most]] [[Autism Tutorial Extra|certainly ]][[28 October 2011|taught]] [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|him.]]
Image:445-SonicTotem.JPG|0-0 [http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/um_yeah_maybe_get_somebody_els.php Geekologie Reader] does not approve of Chris's artwork.
Image:447-CWCSonicPlate.JPG|Sonic the Blowfish
Image:468-SonicCup.JPG|Chris makes his own [[Jimmy Hill|unlicensed ''Sonic'' merchandise]].
Image:469-SonicCupSide.JPG|Hello, lawsuit.
Image:0064-ChristianWSonic.jpg|Chris was so excited, he produced [[dirty, crapped briefs]].
Image:0077-SonicDoll.jpg|Chris still has this doll and it has seen [[For Julie's Eyes Only|horrible things]].
</gallery>
</center>

==See also==
* [[Doctor Robotnik]]
* [[Chris and copyright]]

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
* [[Wikipedia:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] on [[Wikipedia]]

{{Hedgehog Boys}}
{{Not_Jerks}}

[[Category:Stubs|Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]
[[Category:Video Games]]

[[Category:Christian and the Hedgehog Boys band members]]

September 2013 Facebook Posts

2013-10-26T21:54:43Z

Dann Woolf:

The following are a series of [[Facebook]] posts Chris posted on [[September 2013]].

(Note: Some info have been removed for identity protection and to prevent namefagging.)

==Summary==
* 1 [[September 2013]] - Chris talks about [[My Little Pony]] again, revealing his favourite ponies.
* 2 September 2013 - Chris complains about being intercepted by a [[Manajerk]] and an "Offline [[Troll]]/Bully".
* 3 September 2013 - Chris whines to one of his Facebook friends about his stress.
* 4 September 2013 - Chris rated 1 star for the [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]].
* 6 September 2013 - Chris shared a link about helpful advice about interactions for autistic people. He also complains about being banned from [[Walmart]].
* 7 September 2013 - Chris scratched a woman's car at El Agave Lot and wants [[God]] to kill him.
* 10 September 2013 - Chris posted a link to the Facebook page "Brassieres For Males".
* 11 September 2013 - Chris shared the Facebook link to the movie "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close".
* 17 September 2013 - Chris receives a [[Sonic]] Underground DVD as a present, and rants about how people should send their gifts to him.
* 24 September 2013 - Chris uploads a photo of Megan, and several of himself holding what appears to be a Lego figure.

==Posts by Chris==
===Ten A Piece For Rainbow Dash And Applejack===
[[File:Saved.jpg|thumb|Derpy Hooves.]]
Chris reveals his favourite ponies from [[My Little Pony]] and talks about Derpy Hooves.

{{quotebox|Sunday, 1 September 2013
I've just heard from the [[Twitter]] feed that Fluttershy was voted the Fan Favorite Pony. I had voted ten a piece for Rainbow Dash and Applejack. It just hit me tough.

Also, just recently, I saw the vinyl figures that were sold at Hot Topic (I have Derpy) at Toys 'R' Us in C-Ville. And I've just heard of the Fan Favorite set at TRU to feature Derpy as well, but instead of her name, they put a muffin image in its place. I am looking forward to Season 4 in November. Perhaps they will have another episode featuring Derpy, and actually refer to her directly as that or Dipsy-Doo.

<nowiki>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC2EMUuQmTY</nowiki>}}

===Offline Troll/Bully===
Chris complains about how he gets intercepted by a [[Manajerk]] and an "Offline [[Troll]]/Bully". (in his words) He also blames a lot of people such as [[Michael Snyder]] and [[Megan Schroeder]] later. In a VERY rare moment of insight, Chris briefly realizes that his behaviour could be ''insane'', but quickly shrugs off this and the words of a white knight to continue doing what he does best - blaming other people for his problems instead of himself.

{{quotebox|Monday, 2 September 2013
I have just been intercepted by a [[Manajerk]] and an Offline [[Troll]]/Bully. Her name is '''[REDACTED]'''; works within the [[Mal-Wart]] region. Every Troll/Cyber-Bully should contact her at her email address of '''[REDACTED]''', and remind her that no one is to mess with an [[Autistic]] Person when they are in a depressed, sad, angry or foul mood, especially with the online reputation that was dragged through the worst mud, muck and bodily fluids that said Autistic Person has, and if his hatred of the [[XBox]] brand, and the number of Trolls that populate half to three-quarters of that brand, stand in the way of the foul mood, then that is Microsoft's Freaking Problem!}}

It would later be revealed that the "offline bully" was actually a [[manajerk]] who threw Chris out of the store after he vandalised one of their [[HEX-BOX|Xbox One]] displays.

William Elliott Waterman then tries to help him:
{{quoteboxgreen|I don't think it's nice to spread someone's email around a public website.}}
{{quotebox|Please forgive me. But prior to this, I was feeling self-upset from the realization that I still have great difficulty socializing face to face in Public. Another in-town convention that was recommended to me, and from the Madicon experience last year, I still feel greatly the terrible Shyness I still have, because of my Autism. Damn It!!!}}
{{quotebox|And when one person gets in the way of me completing my job of shopping for my mother, or such, or when said or another person face to face gives me a difficulty time with harsh vocal tones, especially when I am feeling in a sasd or foul mood, it will be months to years before forgiving them ever, and immediately, they get a curse.}}
{{quotebox|<nowiki>*sigh*</nowiki>. Yes, it is irrational, and I don't really have a leg to stand on, and this is just dumb, stupid, immature...}}
{{quotebox|OMFG... I have mental problems... Shit.}}
{{quoteboxgreen|We all bear grudges, but having good PR means keeping it between you and the offender. You're a loving, caring person, but putting your anger on display for people who don't need to get involved won't help others see that.}}
{{quotebox|Yeah. I re-realize that.}}
{{quoteboxgreen|You don't have to let them shoot down your emotional state. Though she's far away, Anna knows the real you. The sweet, kind-hearted soul that isn't the creep the internet made you out to be. There are people that met you who understand this. Your old gal pals from high school may be some of them. As long as you remember that, the people that derail and persecute you won't matter to you.}}
Needless to say, Chris ignored the helpful advice and continues to complain. In a desperate bid not to blame himself for his vandalism incident, Chris instead blames [[Michael Snyder]], [[Megan]], [[Mary Lee Walsh]], and even his attorney [[Rob Bell]].
{{quotebox|If it had not been for Mr. "Manajerk", Megan Schroeder, and their Internet Troll/Cyber-Bully Breeding and Meeting Ground, Cville's Hobbies, Games and Toys, My Family and I would not have had go through all of the emotionally depressing, and Financial Downfall to the depths of Greatly Poor and Just Getting By! The Manajerk has drained us financially, thinking we are freaking rich. And Megan has robbed me emotionally, started all of the Hate Against Me on the freaking Internet, Never financially paid me back for ALL of the material favors I bought for her off of eBay, and I WANT MY UNCUT "[[Sailor Moon|SAILOR MOON]]' DVDS FROM SEASONS "R" TO "SAILOR STAR" THAT GERMAN WARFARE BITCH CONNED FROM ME RETURNED TO ME!!!}}
[[File:ChrisAndMeganUnpixelated.jpg|thumb|THE GERMAN WARFARE BITCH]]
{{quotebox|And that bitch, [[Mary Lee Walsh]], with a Cold Heart at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]] for interfering with my [[Sweetheart Search]], AND Banning me from PVCC!!!}}
{{quotebox|WTH... The same Manajerk of Cville's Hobbies, Games and Toys gave me the finger at Sheetz in Ruckersville, and threatened me with "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you" in my face at McDonalds in Ruckersville; both in the same Morning a few weeks ago. I did not respond to either at the times. He violate his own "restraining order".}}
{{quotebox|Rob Bell has been a Major Wuss during the time he had Represented me and my mother in Court, and we had paid the thousands of dollars for his fees, which we would not have had to if it had not been for that God Damned Manajerk!!!}}

Chris later deleted the entire post.

===CWC's Hallmark Negative Life Events===
{{Incomplete}}

{{quotebox|Wednesday, 3 September 2013
I have just vented past frustrations from my life to figure out the root of what happened yesterday. It all definitely was [[Mary Lee Walsh]], [[Megan Schroeder]] AND [[Michael Snyder]] who made me worse off than I was after Graduation.

<nowiki>*sigh*</nowiki>}}

===The [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]] Review===
On 4 [[September 2013]], Chris rated 1 star for his elementary school and posted this, proving that he still has a grudge for his elementary school:
{{quotebox|Wednesday, 4 September 2013
The teachers, counselors, and Principal here back in the early 90s physically abused and attempted molestation upon me, mentally and emotionally scarring me for life, because they did not understand or care for [[Autism|Autistic People (High-Functioning or Otherwise)]]}}

===Six Rules Regarding Autistic Interactions===
On 6 [[September 2013]], Chris shared a [http://www.jamesmw.com/sixrules.htm link] from [[Anna]] about helpful advice about interactions for autistic people. Needless to say, Chris dug his hole even further:
{{quotebox|Friday, 6 September 2013

I will read this more thoroughly, but I have read the bolded rules and the intro paragraph. I disagree on two of the rules: I personally really Hate being interrupted during a thought I am expressing. And in addition to looking for equal and better mental and emotional properties in my (female) [[Sweetheart]] than myself, her Looks and Beauty I feel are a must to be easy on the eyes. Especially in the face; pretty faces are great. Moderate to good body and minimum "B"-cup breasts are essential. If I did not have the fear of the Theoretical or Fake/Anonymous People online, I would have as many female friends as Richie Grecki has in his Likes Section. Hot Damn!

I am not a prejudiced individual, and I do look for the inner beauty of women. Anyway, the Autistic Interactions Rules do reflect and agree to what I was trying to say in my [[Autism Tutorial|6-Part plus Extra Autism Tutorial LittleBiGPlanet Animation (PSN: Sonichu)]].

<nowiki>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1mbTyKiqF8</nowiki>}}

''Note: Richie Grecki is one of Chris's former high school classmates.''

===Chris Expresses His Outrage for [[Mal-Wart|Walmart]]===
[[File:Sonichu Death March by inappropriatenudging.png|thumb|''She has crossed his line, and now I am out for revengence.'']]
On 6 [[September 2013]], Chris was banned from Walmart, claiming [[Kick the Autistic|he was discriminated against]] because of (yep, you guessed it!) [[autism|his autism]]. The truth, however, is that Chris was caught vandalizing a display for the soon to be released [[HEXBox|Xbox One]]. This has landed him into very serious trouble, because Walmart is the only place he can get his [[Barbara Chandler|mother's]] prescriptions filled.
{{quotebox|Friday, 6 September 2013
I have just been intercepted by the "Lady" [[Manajerks|Manajerk]], '''[REDACTED]'''; the bitch has followed the steps of Mr. Snyder now; banned me from the Wal-Mart closest to my own house. She obviously does not understand how [[Love Quest|critical and imperative it is for me to go there.]] I Shop for my Mother from there; it is Closer than the one in Charlottesville; GAS IS EXPENSIVE!!! She has crossed his line, and now I am out for [[Metal Gear Solid|revengence]]. Everyone should contact her at her email address of '''[REDACTED]''', and remind her that no one is to mess with an [[Christian Weston Chandler|Autistic Person]] when they are in a [[stress|depressed, sad, angry or foul mood]], especially with the online reputation that was dragged through the worst [[ED|mud]], [[CWCki|muck]] and [[semen|bodily fluids]] that said Autistic Person has.

She has proven herself to be a [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|cold-hearted]], [[Chris and remorse|uncaring]], uncompassionate, [[Naïve|lack-of-understanding]], [[Homos|bigoted]], [[Chris and race|discriminating]], [[Chris and his Ego|selfish]], [[Mary Lee Walsh|Mary Lee Walshing]], Witch Bitch!

If anyone is in the store and sees this woman, TELL IT TO HER FACE THAT SHE IS DISCRIMINATIVE TO AUTISTIC PEOPLE; THAT SHE IS A [[Chris and Hypocrisy|FAT BITCH]]; AND THAT HER LIFE WILL BE A MASSIVE [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|CURSED]] LIFE LIKE [[Michael Snyder|SNYDER'S]] IF SHE AND HER WHITE-COATED ASSISTANT DOES NOT UNBAN CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER IMMEDIATELY!!! AND MY MOTHER WILL HAVE A LOUD, AGGRESSIVE WORD WITH HER AS WELL IF THEY MEET.

[[Death threats|'''[REDACTED]''' is FIRED FROM LIFE!!!]]}}
A public user then replied:
{{quoteboxred|What in the name of God are you trying to pull posting stuff like this???? Do a Google search and simply find another Wal-Mart.}}
Chris Rhodes, one of Chris's high school friends then posted:
{{quoteboxred|I think the biggest question is what did you do to get kicked out...and don't say you did nothing wrong cause that would be a lie.}}
{{quotebox|The "Man" and "Woman" want to bear down on the weak people they do not want to understand or care about; Autistic People are on the top!}}
Again, Anna tries to give him some advice:
{{quoteboxgreen|Christian, people don't just automatically know you're autistic. And they can't know automatically that you've had a rough day. In the world of neurotypicals, if someone acts aggressive (yelling or arguing) in a public place, they are considered a danger to those around them because they're unpredictable. Those of us who know you know that you're not dangerous, but people who don't know you are acting solely on the information they have about you, which to them is whatever impression you made upon them with your first interactions.}}

{{quoteboxgreen|I think it would be constructive to bring your mother with you and sit down and speak rationally with her instead of blaming everything on her. Apologize for anything you did that she thinks was wrong, even if you don't think it was wrong. You'll really just be apologizing for making her upset, because I'm sure you didn't mean to. Then explain how important it is that you be allowed to continue shopping there, and promise that there will be no future incidents. I think that's probably the best course of action.}}
Chris Rhodes then posted:
{{quoteboxred|You have to wake up son! And grasp the fact that everyone is not out to get you. 99.9 percent of the world doesn't know you have issues. They see someone acting odd and they try to take care of the situation.}}
{{quoteboxgreen|To be fair, Chris (Rhodes), the majority of Christian's experience with the world has certainly made it seem like the world's out to get him. The daily bombardment he has received from people who hate him (but don't know him) for no good reason (since 2007!) has certainly been effective in creating the appearance of everyone hating him.}}
{{quotebox|To '''[REDACTED]''': I added an "H" and an "E" to an XBox One Standee in Permanent Ink while under anger from past issues.}}
{{quotebox|I can't bring my mother in; she has had enough problems gone on; I am not telling her, because she is in a recovering mood after the court date yesterday.}}
Posts are then exchanged between Chris Rhodes and Chris:
{{quoteboxred|So you vandalized a display sign...your lucky that's all that happened.}}
{{quotebox|I got BANNED AGAIN! Do you NOT get it?}}
{{quoteboxred|I get it. You committed an arrestable offense but they gave you a break and banned you.}}
{{quotebox|that is NOT a break, being Banned; THAT is a Crime.}}
{{quoteboxred|Any property owner/manager/rep has the RIGHT to tell you to leave, tell you not to come back, or so on. And if you do not obey their wishes you can and will be arrested for trespassing. I know what I am talking about christian.}}
{{quotebox|They do not.}}
{{quotebox|And if they do, they are most in the wrong, because they are most abusive and overzealous of their "authoritative power" that never has existed ever.}}
After that, William Elliott Waterman tries to give him some advice, but like Anna's and the previous post, his advice is brushed off.
{{quoteboxgreen|Chris, that's not public property. You can't just go writing whatever you want on it. How would you feel if you were trying to sell PS3s and somebody wrote "POO" in front of the PS on your sign?}}
{{quotebox|[[naïve|Frustration is blind]].}}
Chris later deleted the entire post again.

===God Trolls Chris Yet Again===
[[File:GJ-Radar.jpg|thumb|[[Asperchu|''I am the true Christian, not you.'']]]]
On 7 [[September 2013]], Chris expresses his blasphemous outrage at [[Chris_and_religion|God]] after he was caught scratching a woman's car by a [[jerkop]]. He also wishes that God would kill him very soon. It would also seem that Chris has slowly began to descend into a newfound life of crime ever since [[28_October_2011|the incident in October of 2011]].

Characteristic of Chris, he continues to pass the buck for his own blame, this time blaming both God and the woman he hit for being a "damn Smoker!".
{{quotebox|Saturday, 7 September 2013
[[Chris and reality|God is giving me the Middle Finger yet again]]! I backed up and scratched a car in El Agave Lot! And she's a damn [[Tobacky|Smoker]]! Now the damn [[Jerkop]] is giving me a hard time, because I am [[Chris and anger|screaming]] up at Freaking Emanuel God! I want God to just kill me Now if he is going to [[Kick the Autistic|keep giving me middle fingers and a damned difficult life]]!!!}}

===Brassieres For Males===
Chris shared a link to the Facebook page "Brassieres For Males", a page dedicated to support [[JERKS|males]] to wear sports bras.
{{quotebox|Tuesday, 10 September 2013
I encourage Everyone to show their support by wearing a Sports Bra, and encouraging the uncovered men to wear them as well.

https://www.facebook.com/BrassieresForMales}}
[[Kim Wilson]] posted:
{{quoteboxred|Wow, you've got four likes already!}}

===PLEASE, Do Not Unfriend and Leave Me!!!===
{{Incomplete}}

{{quotebox|Tuesday, 10 September 2013
We are all still a Family (symbolically, especially every Classmate of my Graduating Class to me). and when I see my Friend count Decrease, even by ONE, it seriously hurts me deep. Everyone who will remember me as the one who Cried and Shook Nobody's Hand on Stage at our Graduation. I was Really Upset. because I was being forced to leave my friends Every Friend I Lose it is Manchester High Graduation all over again for me. SERIOUSLY!

I still deeply care a lot about everyone who cares about me as well, as well all of my friends and family. Our Millennium MHS Class. I consider everyone, regardless of current status. situation or whatever, and especially regardless of lack of acquaintanceship on my part. all My Family that I am looking to bring together in Good Friendship and for our Family Photo that is our Reunion.}}

{{quotebox|Even worse, it is difficult to tell who left. It does not even come up in my Activity Log.}}

{{quotebox|Hey Christian -- it does hurt to lose Facebook friends and see that number go down. And it must hurt to re-live that memory over and over. But remember, we can't control other people's actions, we can only control ourselves. People will come and go. but the ones who matter most will stay. If that number goes down and you don't know who it was. then that person wasn't very close to you. No big loss! Please try your very best not to create associations between Facebook friends from high school and the hurtful memory from graduation. I know that is hard. but I think you will be happier in the end :)}}

===Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close===
On 11 [[September 2013]], Chris shared a Facebook link to the movie "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close", surprisingly never referred it to something else and his life.

{{quotebox|Wednesday, 11 September 2013
It is a touching and good movie to watch today.

<nowiki>https://www.facebook.com/extremelyloudandincrediblyclose</nowiki>
}}

===Baffled===
{{Incomplete}}

{{quotebox|September 12, 2013
I am baffled! I get an email from one of my Closest Gal-Pals, Sarah Anne Bevel Ingram; she tells me, "I don't really know you". Is She Serious?! She, Tiffany Gowen and I shared a Home Ec class our Seinor Year; we ate lunch together on those same days. She made me feel better one day when I was feeling a difficult time. She came to my 18th Birthday Party. HOW could she NOT know me; we were Friends. - g feeling upset.}}

{{quotebox|One of my Closest Friends.}}

{{quotebox|I wonder if she meant that so much time has passed, she feels like she doesn't know you anymore. Perhaps her memory is not as clear as yours!}}

{{quotebox|Have you talked to her since graduation? Before now, I mean.}}

===Fans are Weird, Part 1===
On 17 [[September 2013]], Chris received a [[Sonic]] Underground DVD, either from a fan or a [[troll]], and rants about how people should send their gifts to him. He also links an [[Excel Saga]] video:

{{quotebox|Tuesday, 17 September 2013
Time Code: 18:00 - The Most Proper method to deliver a Gift to someone: In Person. Or otherwise, in their Newspaper Box is the Best Indirect Method. In Any Case, I agree with [[Excel Saga|Excel]], "Fans Are Weird." And to add, Crazy, Mental, Lack of Life, etc, etc, etc.

<nowiki>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1thIup5cqVU&feature=share</nowiki>}}

===Fans are Weird, Part 2===
{{quotebox|Tuesday, 17 September 2013
Today, September 17, 2013, I found a DVD, which I assume was a present from a Troll or "Fan". It had been resting there for some time before I found it. I could tell that, because it had gotten wet from Rain. Let me make it clear: If you Really Want to make sure I get your Gift, even indirectly, Do Not Be So Careless. Not wildly on the Grass or Yardwide; Not on the Windshield of a vehicle. Put it in the Newspaper Box, or as some people have, have it shipped to my doorstep. Or even In Person would be well.}}

===="Found Gift/Present" Gallery====
<center>
<gallery>
File:FansareWeird01.jpg|
File:FansareWeird02.jpg|NOT wildly, carelessly thrown onto the yard
File:FansareWeird03.jpg|NOT on a vehicle
File:FansareWeird04.jpg|IN the Newspaper Box
File:FansareWeird05.jpg|It was a long time before I found; Look how wet it is
File:FansareWeird06.jpg|I could be under the amount of [[stress]] YOU DAMN [[trolls|TROLLS]] continue to put me under
File:FansareWeird07.jpg|You shock me by surprise
File:FansareWeird08.jpg|
File:FansareWeird09.jpg|Thanks
File:FansareWeird10.jpg|
</gallery>
</center>

===Fans are Weird, Part 3===
{{quotebox|Tuesday, 17 September 2013
In any case, "FANS ARE WEIRD."

[[File:FansareWeird11.jpg|200px|center]]}}

===Toy Of The Year===
Chris reposted a picture of his Lego High School set and posted:
{{quotebox|Saturday, 21 September 2013
The Lego Friends High School set should be the next Toy of the Year!

[[File:ChrisLego02.jpg|200px|center]]}}

===Yep, the Bitch has not changed a thing...===
Chris uploads a new picture of [[Megan Schroeder]], along with a rant, and several of him holding a Lego figure.
{{quotebox|Tuesday, 24 September 2013
Yep, [[Chris and hypocrisy|the Bitch has not changed a thing in eight years. Still the same as ever.]] Meh; German-Crazy; Camo-Red specs on. (Just received in an email from the Ex-Friend-turned-Troll of mine). The [[Lego|minifig]] I put [[Chris and English|togeter]] and shake well with [[Mary Lee Walsh|the Witch]] and [[Michael Snyder|the Bastard]] perfectly matches her to an M and S. — }}

<center>
<gallery>
File:Megan Schroeder - 2013 September.jpeg
File:Lego - 24 September 2013.jpeg
File:Lego2 - 24 September 2013.jpeg
File:Lego3 - 24 September 2013.jpeg
</center>
</gallery>
</center>

''The phrase "to an M and S" presumably relates to the idiom "[[Wiktionary:to a T|to a T]]," alluding to the fact that her initials are M.S., like [[Michael Snyder]], and her name starts with an M like [[Mary Lee Walsh]].''

===Chris-Chan explains it all===

In which Chris tells all the true and honest facts about how Megan ruined Chris's life.

{{quotebox|Friday, 27 September 2013
Attention, Everyone.

There are grave misconceptions that I feel desperately require me to clear up, because what you may hear from other people are likely to be false, or have holes in their tales. Firstly, the ONE, and ONLY ONE, hand drawing I ever did of me and Megan Schroeder in what is of Internet Troll Knowledge on the internet as "Rule 34", of which they have written at rulesoftheinternet.com; involving porn.

I will not be posting the drawing, nor will I ever share it with anyone. The original intent of the drawing was purely and true a wishful thinking piece between me and Megan. And More Importantly, at the time when it was originally drawn, and still would apply, it was a message, informing those damn Trolls and Bullies, who had mislabeled me the opposite, that I was in Full Fact a Straight Male; Heterosexual. Nothing degrading or offensive was meant originally by the art piece, plus her eyes were censored; one could figure any brunette woman was the subject. Megan wants to complain about ONE drawing against me versus Her conspiring the PLace employees, Daniel Mimms, Lucas White and the rest of the entire world to make my life a living Hell. The Encyclopedia Dramatica page was born Late October, 2007; the art was created AFTER she began destroying my Soul, Emotions, Heart, Mentality, and My Good, Clean Life!!! I later tore up the original drawing into many little squares and put them into an envelope, which resides in my scrapbook binder full of shamed past relationship art works.

I have the factual story of everything has actually transpired years ago between me and Megan Schroeder.

August 14th or 21st, 2004 (I'm not sure which; it was shortly after the Yu-Gi-Oh movie was released in theaters); I had been a long time player and fan of Pokémon (both video game and TCG). I became a bit intrigued in the Yu-Gi-Oh TCG, so I took it up as well. The very first tournament I went to at the Game and Hobby PLace; I saw her face, and I fell in love. Over Two Years, during our times between Pokémon League, Yu-Gi-Oh Tournaments, and UFS TCG (Soul Calibur, Street Fighter, etc) events at the PLace, all I had been was Nothing but Good, Nice, and Loyal to her. I only touched her shoulder, hand and long hair; last time I checked, THOSE are non-offensive touches. I had not kissed her; she kissed my hand one time. I spent Hundreds of Dollars on her between gifts, and all of the things I bought on eBay for her; mostly Sailor Moon trading cards, all at her request. She even asked me to buy her a Zune, which I spent over 200 on at Best Buy. And how does she reimburse me for the favors and the Zune? NO Cash; Only "her merchandise" of collectible Anime Manga, a few DVDs, figurines, plushes, and a mix bag of Lego pieces. What did I care then? I was head over heels for that bitch. I bought the Uncut Complete Sailor Moon series on DVDs For MYSELF, then I burned the episodes onto DVD-Rs for her; MY Treat. Admittingly, I had one mishap on One episode in the SailorStars Season; I informed her about that. She declined my gift; she wanted the Original DVDs. H.o.H., I gave her my DVDs. This was still long before October, 2007. We also shared our own hand-drawn art pieces with each other; I drew her in Her favorite Red Dark Magician card, and comically me in my favorite card, Dark Magician Girl.

All of these Good Things, and Freaking Loyalty! And how does she thank me in the end? Getting Mimms and Lucas to take my photograph without my consent, and her ditching me for another dude and PUBLICALLY Making Out with him to Shock me into mental paralysis that same Friday Pokèmon League Night! Then the following Friday, I get my Wii; I randomly decide to Google my name; BAM! The very first hate-filled web page against me. My mother and father had seen her talking with the PLace employees, hearing some parts of her conspirations against me. I had not fully comprehended her Queen Bee of the Internet Trolls and Cyber-Bullies activities until years later. Her conspiring with said employees also led to my being banned from the PLace.

And NOW, she, with Mimms' help, wants to play the ONE drawing versus Total Life Devastation, Destruction, Creating the Worst Online Reputation (Against Me) Ever In This Earth's History! I ask you, who is the real monster here?}}

==Posts by his friends==
===14,386,443 out of a possible 10===
On 3 [[September 2013]], Chris whines to one of his friends about his [[stress]].

{{quoteboxred|Stress level: 14,386,443 out of a possible 10. :(}}
{{quotebox|I hear that. I have a lot of stress in my life. If not the constant haunting of the [[Trolls]]/Cyber-Bullies, all of the individual mistakes I had made in the past greater than a decade (definitely within the recent six years), bad people being awful to me..., then the in person loneliness, the great shyness in Public, my freaking, accursed [[Autism]]...; they stress my [[Obesity|blood pressure]] up, make me feel furious and angry, then I feel weak and faint.

<nowiki>*ugh.*</nowiki>}}

===8 VERY good friends===
On 17 [[September 2013]], one of Chris's new high school friends, Richie Grecki posted:

{{quoteboxred|Sittin in a circle like that '70s show with 8 VERY good friends}}
Chris posted this the next day:
{{quotebox|I wish I could do that now with all of my gal pals: [[Tiffany Gowen]], [[Kellie Andes]], Sarah Bevel, Molly Marie Quarles, Maranda Mitchell..., and to fill in the remaining three slots with my more current friends (still from High School): Sarah Susan Hearn, Ashley Abernathy Aviles, and Rebekah Bentley. If I could invite every other woman to the group, I would, plus Chris Rhodes, Matt Stufano, Brian Smart and Damien Coy.}}

===Offline Schoolhouse Education===
On 20 [[September 2013]], Richie Grecki posted:

{{quoteboxred|no matter what kind of mood i'm in, the commercials for EDUCATIONCONNECTION.COM will always make me laugh.}}
{{quotebox|"Get Connected! For Free!" Give me Offline, Schoolhouse Education for Socialization Practices Any Day.}}

==Posts by Chris on others==

===Expand the blood vessels===
On 18 [[September 2013]], Chris posts on a certain Jamie and Adam post:

{{quoteboxred|Thanks for all the sympathy. Had some of the risotto at Jardiniere last night and felt so much better. Just glad I didn't spew on camera. -- Adam

(For those who missed the story, it's here: http://bit.ly/17GT7Y2)}}
{{quotebox|Wow! I hear you, Adam. I too have felt stomach-ache, dizzy and clammy; the hours you have suffered it and toughed it out like you did, THAT was a major feat in itself. Did you try taking an asprin during that experience? Usually, for me and my mother at least, that kind of stress is brought on by constricting blood vessels. Asprin, among other OTC drugs and Rx, at least my mother says, is one that helps expand the blood vessels.}}

===Homosexual males RUIN everything===
On 21 [[September 2013]], Chris posts on another Jamie and Adam post:

{{quoteboxred|This made me laugh far more than I thought was possible. http://i.imgur.com/mimlRw5.jpg (from reddit) -- Adam}}
{{quotebox|Well, yes and no on humorous. The [[homos|homosexual male]]s RUIN Everything for the rest of us. "YMCA" and rainbows for starters, and I wish we could go back to when "gay" ONLY meant happy, as sung in the "Flintstones" theme song. Oi!}}

==Facebook Shares and Likes==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Likes
! Link
! Date
|-
|ahahahaha this is such a joke of an article. there is more to PUNK than not giving a fuck and doing drugs. apparently that makes miley punk. (Miley Cyrus Is Punk As Fuck <nowiki>|</nowiki> NOISEY)
|https://www.facebook.com/richie.grecki/posts/607932602606086
|20 September 2013
|-
|}

{{Facebook}}

[[Category:Facebook]]

September 2013 Facebook Posts

2013-10-26T21:53:48Z

Dann Woolf:

The following are a series of [[Facebook]] posts Chris posted on [[September 2013]].

(Note: Some info have been removed for identity protection and to prevent namefagging.)

==Summary==
* 1 [[September 2013]] - Chris talks about [[My Little Pony]] again, revealing his favourite ponies.
* 2 September 2013 - Chris complains about being intercepted by a [[Manajerk]] and an "Offline [[Troll]]/Bully".
* 3 September 2013 - Chris whines to one of his Facebook friends about his stress.
* 4 September 2013 - Chris rated 1 star for the [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]].
* 6 September 2013 - Chris shared a link about helpful advice about interactions for autistic people. He also complains about being banned from [[Walmart]].
* 7 September 2013 - Chris scratched a woman's car at El Agave Lot and wants [[God]] to kill him.
* 10 September 2013 - Chris posted a link to the Facebook page "Brassieres For Males".
* 11 September 2013 - Chris shared the Facebook link to the movie "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close".
* 17 September 2013 - Chris receives a [[Sonic]] Underground DVD as a present, and rants about how people should send their gifts to him.
* 24 September 2013 - Chris uploads a photo of Megan, and several of himself holding what appears to be a Lego figure.

==Posts by Chris==
===Ten A Piece For Rainbow Dash And Applejack===
[[File:Saved.jpg|thumb|Derpy Hooves.]]
Chris reveals his favourite ponies from [[My Little Pony]] and talks about Derpy Hooves.

{{quotebox|Sunday, 1 September 2013
I've just heard from the [[Twitter]] feed that Fluttershy was voted the Fan Favorite Pony. I had voted ten a piece for Rainbow Dash and Applejack. It just hit me tough.

Also, just recently, I saw the vinyl figures that were sold at Hot Topic (I have Derpy) at Toys 'R' Us in C-Ville. And I've just heard of the Fan Favorite set at TRU to feature Derpy as well, but instead of her name, they put a muffin image in its place. I am looking forward to Season 4 in November. Perhaps they will have another episode featuring Derpy, and actually refer to her directly as that or Dipsy-Doo.

<nowiki>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC2EMUuQmTY</nowiki>}}

===Offline Troll/Bully===
Chris complains about how he gets intercepted by a [[Manajerk]] and an "Offline [[Troll]]/Bully". (in his words) He also blames a lot of people such as [[Michael Snyder]] and [[Megan Schroeder]] later. In a VERY rare moment of insight, Chris briefly realizes that his behaviour could be ''insane'', but quickly shrugs off this and the words of a white knight to continue doing what he does best - blaming other people for his problems instead of himself.

{{quotebox|Monday, 2 September 2013
I have just been intercepted by a [[Manajerk]] and an Offline [[Troll]]/Bully. Her name is '''[REDACTED]'''; works within the [[Mal-Wart]] region. Every Troll/Cyber-Bully should contact her at her email address of '''[REDACTED]''', and remind her that no one is to mess with an [[Autistic]] Person when they are in a depressed, sad, angry or foul mood, especially with the online reputation that was dragged through the worst mud, muck and bodily fluids that said Autistic Person has, and if his hatred of the [[XBox]] brand, and the number of Trolls that populate half to three-quarters of that brand, stand in the way of the foul mood, then that is Microsoft's Freaking Problem!}}

It would later be revealed that the "offline bully" was actually a [[manajerk]] who threw Chris out of the store after he vandalised one of their [[HEX-BOX|Xbox One]] displays.

William Elliott Waterman then tries to help him:
{{quoteboxgreen|I don't think it's nice to spread someone's email around a public website.}}
{{quotebox|Please forgive me. But prior to this, I was feeling self-upset from the realization that I still have great difficulty socializing face to face in Public. Another in-town convention that was recommended to me, and from the Madicon experience last year, I still feel greatly the terrible Shyness I still have, because of my Autism. Damn It!!!}}
{{quotebox|And when one person gets in the way of me completing my job of shopping for my mother, or such, or when said or another person face to face gives me a difficulty time with harsh vocal tones, especially when I am feeling in a sasd or foul mood, it will be months to years before forgiving them ever, and immediately, they get a curse.}}
{{quotebox|<nowiki>*sigh*</nowiki>. Yes, it is irrational, and I don't really have a leg to stand on, and this is just dumb, stupid, immature...}}
{{quotebox|OMFG... I have mental problems... Shit.}}
{{quoteboxgreen|We all bear grudges, but having good PR means keeping it between you and the offender. You're a loving, caring person, but putting your anger on display for people who don't need to get involved won't help others see that.}}
{{quotebox|Yeah. I re-realize that.}}
{{quoteboxgreen|You don't have to let them shoot down your emotional state. Though she's far away, Anna knows the real you. The sweet, kind-hearted soul that isn't the creep the internet made you out to be. There are people that met you who understand this. Your old gal pals from high school may be some of them. As long as you remember that, the people that derail and persecute you won't matter to you.}}
Needless to say, Chris ignored the helpful advice and continues to complain. In a desperate bid not to blame himself for his vandalism incident, Chris instead blames [[Michael Snyder]], [[Megan]], [[Mary Lee Walsh]], and even his attorney [[Rob Bell]].
{{quotebox|If it had not been for Mr. "Manajerk", Megan Schroeder, and their Internet Troll/Cyber-Bully Breeding and Meeting Ground, Cville's Hobbies, Games and Toys, My Family and I would not have had go through all of the emotionally depressing, and Financial Downfall to the depths of Greatly Poor and Just Getting By! The Manajerk has drained us financially, thinking we are freaking rich. And Megan has robbed me emotionally, started all of the Hate Against Me on the freaking Internet, Never financially paid me back for ALL of the material favors I bought for her off of eBay, and I WANT MY UNCUT "[[Sailor Moon|SAILOR MOON]]' DVDS FROM SEASONS "R" TO "SAILOR STAR" THAT GERMAN WARFARE BITCH CONNED FROM ME RETURNED TO ME!!!}}
[[File:ChrisAndMeganUnpixelated.jpg|thumb|THE GERMAN WARFARE BITCH]]
{{quotebox|And that bitch, [[Mary Lee Walsh]], with a Cold Heart at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]] for interfering with my [[Sweetheart Search]], AND Banning me from PVCC!!!}}
{{quotebox|WTH... The same Manajerk of Cville's Hobbies, Games and Toys gave me the finger at Sheetz in Ruckersville, and threatened me with "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you" in my face at McDonalds in Ruckersville; both in the same Morning a few weeks ago. I did not respond to either at the times. He violate his own "restraining order".}}
{{quotebox|Rob Bell has been a Major Wuss during the time he had Represented me and my mother in Court, and we had paid the thousands of dollars for his fees, which we would not have had to if it had not been for that God Damned Manajerk!!!}}

Chris later deleted the entire post.

===CWC's Hallmark Negative Life Events===
{{Incomplete}}

{{quotebox|Wednesday, 3 September 2013
I have just vented past frustrations from my life to figure out the root of what happened yesterday. It all definitely was [[Mary Lee Walsh]], [[Megan Schroeder]] AND [[Michael Snyder]] who made me worse off than I was after Graduation.

<nowiki>*sigh*</nowiki>}}

===The [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]] Review===
On 4 [[September 2013]], Chris rated 1 star for his elementary school and posted this, proving that he still has a grudge for his elementary school:
{{quotebox|Wednesday, 4 September 2013
The teachers, counselors, and Principal here back in the early 90s physically abused and attempted molestation upon me, mentally and emotionally scarring me for life, because they did not understand or care for [[Autism|Autistic People (High-Functioning or Otherwise)]]}}

===Six Rules Regarding Autistic Interactions===
On 6 [[September 2013]], Chris shared a [http://www.jamesmw.com/sixrules.htm link] from [[Anna]] about helpful advice about interactions for autistic people. Needless to say, Chris dug his hole even further:
{{quotebox|Friday, 6 September 2013

I will read this more thoroughly, but I have read the bolded rules and the intro paragraph. I disagree on two of the rules: I personally really Hate being interrupted during a thought I am expressing. And in addition to looking for equal and better mental and emotional properties in my (female) [[Sweetheart]] than myself, her Looks and Beauty I feel are a must to be easy on the eyes. Especially in the face; pretty faces are great. Moderate to good body and minimum "B"-cup breasts are essential. If I did not have the fear of the Theoretical or Fake/Anonymous People online, I would have as many female friends as Richie Grecki has in his Likes Section. Hot Damn!

I am not a prejudiced individual, and I do look for the inner beauty of women. Anyway, the Autistic Interactions Rules do reflect and agree to what I was trying to say in my [[Autism Tutorial|6-Part plus Extra Autism Tutorial LittleBiGPlanet Animation (PSN: Sonichu)]].

<nowiki>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1mbTyKiqF8</nowiki>}}

''Note: Richie Grecki is one of Chris's former high school classmates.''

===Chris Expresses His Outrage for [[Mal-Wart|Walmart]]===
[[File:Sonichu Death March by inappropriatenudging.png|thumb|''She has crossed his line, and now I am out for revengence.'']]
On 6 [[September 2013]], Chris was banned from Walmart, claiming [[Kick The Autistic|he was discriminated against]] because of (yep, you guessed it!) [[autism|his autism]]. The truth, however, is that Chris was caught vandalizing a display for the soon to be released [[HEXBox|Xbox One]]. This has landed him into very serious trouble, because Walmart is the only place he can get his [[Barbara Chandler|mother's]] prescriptions filled.
{{quotebox|Friday, 6 September 2013
I have just been intercepted by the "Lady" [[Manajerks|Manajerk]], '''[REDACTED]'''; the bitch has followed the steps of Mr. Snyder now; banned me from the Wal-Mart closest to my own house. She obviously does not understand how [[Love Quest|critical and imperative it is for me to go there.]] I Shop for my Mother from there; it is Closer than the one in Charlottesville; GAS IS EXPENSIVE!!! She has crossed his line, and now I am out for [[Metal Gear Solid|revengence]]. Everyone should contact her at her email address of '''[REDACTED]''', and remind her that no one is to mess with an [[Christian Weston Chandler|Autistic Person]] when they are in a [[stress|depressed, sad, angry or foul mood]], especially with the online reputation that was dragged through the worst [[ED|mud]], [[CWCki|muck]] and [[semen|bodily fluids]] that said Autistic Person has.

She has proven herself to be a [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|cold-hearted]], [[Chris and remorse|uncaring]], uncompassionate, [[Naïve|lack-of-understanding]], [[Homos|bigoted]], [[Chris and race|discriminating]], [[Chris and his Ego|selfish]], [[Mary Lee Walsh|Mary Lee Walshing]], Witch Bitch!

If anyone is in the store and sees this woman, TELL IT TO HER FACE THAT SHE IS DISCRIMINATIVE TO AUTISTIC PEOPLE; THAT SHE IS A [[Chris and Hypocrisy|FAT BITCH]]; AND THAT HER LIFE WILL BE A MASSIVE [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|CURSED]] LIFE LIKE [[Michael Snyder|SNYDER'S]] IF SHE AND HER WHITE-COATED ASSISTANT DOES NOT UNBAN CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER IMMEDIATELY!!! AND MY MOTHER WILL HAVE A LOUD, AGGRESSIVE WORD WITH HER AS WELL IF THEY MEET.

[[Death threats|'''[REDACTED]''' is FIRED FROM LIFE!!!]]}}
A public user then replied:
{{quoteboxred|What in the name of God are you trying to pull posting stuff like this???? Do a Google search and simply find another Wal-Mart.}}
Chris Rhodes, one of Chris's high school friends then posted:
{{quoteboxred|I think the biggest question is what did you do to get kicked out...and don't say you did nothing wrong cause that would be a lie.}}
{{quotebox|The "Man" and "Woman" want to bear down on the weak people they do not want to understand or care about; Autistic People are on the top!}}
Again, Anna tries to give him some advice:
{{quoteboxgreen|Christian, people don't just automatically know you're autistic. And they can't know automatically that you've had a rough day. In the world of neurotypicals, if someone acts aggressive (yelling or arguing) in a public place, they are considered a danger to those around them because they're unpredictable. Those of us who know you know that you're not dangerous, but people who don't know you are acting solely on the information they have about you, which to them is whatever impression you made upon them with your first interactions.}}

{{quoteboxgreen|I think it would be constructive to bring your mother with you and sit down and speak rationally with her instead of blaming everything on her. Apologize for anything you did that she thinks was wrong, even if you don't think it was wrong. You'll really just be apologizing for making her upset, because I'm sure you didn't mean to. Then explain how important it is that you be allowed to continue shopping there, and promise that there will be no future incidents. I think that's probably the best course of action.}}
Chris Rhodes then posted:
{{quoteboxred|You have to wake up son! And grasp the fact that everyone is not out to get you. 99.9 percent of the world doesn't know you have issues. They see someone acting odd and they try to take care of the situation.}}
{{quoteboxgreen|To be fair, Chris (Rhodes), the majority of Christian's experience with the world has certainly made it seem like the world's out to get him. The daily bombardment he has received from people who hate him (but don't know him) for no good reason (since 2007!) has certainly been effective in creating the appearance of everyone hating him.}}
{{quotebox|To '''[REDACTED]''': I added an "H" and an "E" to an XBox One Standee in Permanent Ink while under anger from past issues.}}
{{quotebox|I can't bring my mother in; she has had enough problems gone on; I am not telling her, because she is in a recovering mood after the court date yesterday.}}
Posts are then exchanged between Chris Rhodes and Chris:
{{quoteboxred|So you vandalized a display sign...your lucky that's all that happened.}}
{{quotebox|I got BANNED AGAIN! Do you NOT get it?}}
{{quoteboxred|I get it. You committed an arrestable offense but they gave you a break and banned you.}}
{{quotebox|that is NOT a break, being Banned; THAT is a Crime.}}
{{quoteboxred|Any property owner/manager/rep has the RIGHT to tell you to leave, tell you not to come back, or so on. And if you do not obey their wishes you can and will be arrested for trespassing. I know what I am talking about christian.}}
{{quotebox|They do not.}}
{{quotebox|And if they do, they are most in the wrong, because they are most abusive and overzealous of their "authoritative power" that never has existed ever.}}
After that, William Elliott Waterman tries to give him some advice, but like Anna's and the previous post, his advice is brushed off.
{{quoteboxgreen|Chris, that's not public property. You can't just go writing whatever you want on it. How would you feel if you were trying to sell PS3s and somebody wrote "POO" in front of the PS on your sign?}}
{{quotebox|[[naïve|Frustration is blind]].}}
Chris later deleted the entire post again.

===God Trolls Chris Yet Again===
[[File:GJ-Radar.jpg|thumb|[[Asperchu|''I am the true Christian, not you.'']]]]
On 7 [[September 2013]], Chris expresses his blasphemous outrage at [[Chris_and_religion|God]] after he was caught scratching a woman's car by a [[jerkop]]. He also wishes that God would kill him very soon. It would also seem that Chris has slowly began to descend into a newfound life of crime ever since [[28_October_2011|the incident in October of 2011]].

Characteristic of Chris, he continues to pass the buck for his own blame, this time blaming both God and the woman he hit for being a "damn Smoker!".
{{quotebox|Saturday, 7 September 2013
[[Chris and reality|God is giving me the Middle Finger yet again]]! I backed up and scratched a car in El Agave Lot! And she's a damn [[Tobacky|Smoker]]! Now the damn [[Jerkop]] is giving me a hard time, because I am [[Chris and anger|screaming]] up at Freaking Emanuel God! I want God to just kill me Now if he is going to [[Kick the Autistic|keep giving me middle fingers and a damned difficult life]]!!!}}

===Brassieres For Males===
Chris shared a link to the Facebook page "Brassieres For Males", a page dedicated to support [[JERKS|males]] to wear sports bras.
{{quotebox|Tuesday, 10 September 2013
I encourage Everyone to show their support by wearing a Sports Bra, and encouraging the uncovered men to wear them as well.

https://www.facebook.com/BrassieresForMales}}
[[Kim Wilson]] posted:
{{quoteboxred|Wow, you've got four likes already!}}

===PLEASE, Do Not Unfriend and Leave Me!!!===
{{Incomplete}}

{{quotebox|Tuesday, 10 September 2013
We are all still a Family (symbolically, especially every Classmate of my Graduating Class to me). and when I see my Friend count Decrease, even by ONE, it seriously hurts me deep. Everyone who will remember me as the one who Cried and Shook Nobody's Hand on Stage at our Graduation. I was Really Upset. because I was being forced to leave my friends Every Friend I Lose it is Manchester High Graduation all over again for me. SERIOUSLY!

I still deeply care a lot about everyone who cares about me as well, as well all of my friends and family. Our Millennium MHS Class. I consider everyone, regardless of current status. situation or whatever, and especially regardless of lack of acquaintanceship on my part. all My Family that I am looking to bring together in Good Friendship and for our Family Photo that is our Reunion.}}

{{quotebox|Even worse, it is difficult to tell who left. It does not even come up in my Activity Log.}}

{{quotebox|Hey Christian -- it does hurt to lose Facebook friends and see that number go down. And it must hurt to re-live that memory over and over. But remember, we can't control other people's actions, we can only control ourselves. People will come and go. but the ones who matter most will stay. If that number goes down and you don't know who it was. then that person wasn't very close to you. No big loss! Please try your very best not to create associations between Facebook friends from high school and the hurtful memory from graduation. I know that is hard. but I think you will be happier in the end :)}}

===Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close===
On 11 [[September 2013]], Chris shared a Facebook link to the movie "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close", surprisingly never referred it to something else and his life.

{{quotebox|Wednesday, 11 September 2013
It is a touching and good movie to watch today.

<nowiki>https://www.facebook.com/extremelyloudandincrediblyclose</nowiki>
}}

===Baffled===
{{Incomplete}}

{{quotebox|September 12, 2013
I am baffled! I get an email from one of my Closest Gal-Pals, Sarah Anne Bevel Ingram; she tells me, "I don't really know you". Is She Serious?! She, Tiffany Gowen and I shared a Home Ec class our Seinor Year; we ate lunch together on those same days. She made me feel better one day when I was feeling a difficult time. She came to my 18th Birthday Party. HOW could she NOT know me; we were Friends. - g feeling upset.}}

{{quotebox|One of my Closest Friends.}}

{{quotebox|I wonder if she meant that so much time has passed, she feels like she doesn't know you anymore. Perhaps her memory is not as clear as yours!}}

{{quotebox|Have you talked to her since graduation? Before now, I mean.}}

===Fans are Weird, Part 1===
On 17 [[September 2013]], Chris received a [[Sonic]] Underground DVD, either from a fan or a [[troll]], and rants about how people should send their gifts to him. He also links an [[Excel Saga]] video:

{{quotebox|Tuesday, 17 September 2013
Time Code: 18:00 - The Most Proper method to deliver a Gift to someone: In Person. Or otherwise, in their Newspaper Box is the Best Indirect Method. In Any Case, I agree with [[Excel Saga|Excel]], "Fans Are Weird." And to add, Crazy, Mental, Lack of Life, etc, etc, etc.

<nowiki>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1thIup5cqVU&feature=share</nowiki>}}

===Fans are Weird, Part 2===
{{quotebox|Tuesday, 17 September 2013
Today, September 17, 2013, I found a DVD, which I assume was a present from a Troll or "Fan". It had been resting there for some time before I found it. I could tell that, because it had gotten wet from Rain. Let me make it clear: If you Really Want to make sure I get your Gift, even indirectly, Do Not Be So Careless. Not wildly on the Grass or Yardwide; Not on the Windshield of a vehicle. Put it in the Newspaper Box, or as some people have, have it shipped to my doorstep. Or even In Person would be well.}}

===="Found Gift/Present" Gallery====
<center>
<gallery>
File:FansareWeird01.jpg|
File:FansareWeird02.jpg|NOT wildly, carelessly thrown onto the yard
File:FansareWeird03.jpg|NOT on a vehicle
File:FansareWeird04.jpg|IN the Newspaper Box
File:FansareWeird05.jpg|It was a long time before I found; Look how wet it is
File:FansareWeird06.jpg|I could be under the amount of [[stress]] YOU DAMN [[trolls|TROLLS]] continue to put me under
File:FansareWeird07.jpg|You shock me by surprise
File:FansareWeird08.jpg|
File:FansareWeird09.jpg|Thanks
File:FansareWeird10.jpg|
</gallery>
</center>

===Fans are Weird, Part 3===
{{quotebox|Tuesday, 17 September 2013
In any case, "FANS ARE WEIRD."

[[File:FansareWeird11.jpg|200px|center]]}}

===Toy Of The Year===
Chris reposted a picture of his Lego High School set and posted:
{{quotebox|Saturday, 21 September 2013
The Lego Friends High School set should be the next Toy of the Year!

[[File:ChrisLego02.jpg|200px|center]]}}

===Yep, the Bitch has not changed a thing...===
Chris uploads a new picture of [[Megan Schroeder]], along with a rant, and several of him holding a Lego figure.
{{quotebox|Tuesday, 24 September 2013
Yep, [[Chris and hypocrisy|the Bitch has not changed a thing in eight years. Still the same as ever.]] Meh; German-Crazy; Camo-Red specs on. (Just received in an email from the Ex-Friend-turned-Troll of mine). The [[Lego|minifig]] I put [[Chris and English|togeter]] and shake well with [[Mary Lee Walsh|the Witch]] and [[Michael Snyder|the Bastard]] perfectly matches her to an M and S. — }}

<center>
<gallery>
File:Megan Schroeder - 2013 September.jpeg
File:Lego - 24 September 2013.jpeg
File:Lego2 - 24 September 2013.jpeg
File:Lego3 - 24 September 2013.jpeg
</center>
</gallery>
</center>

''The phrase "to an M and S" presumably relates to the idiom "[[Wiktionary:to a T|to a T]]," alluding to the fact that her initials are M.S., like [[Michael Snyder]], and her name starts with an M like [[Mary Lee Walsh]].''

===Chris-Chan explains it all===

In which Chris tells all the true and honest facts about how Megan ruined Chris's life.

{{quotebox|Friday, 27 September 2013
Attention, Everyone.

There are grave misconceptions that I feel desperately require me to clear up, because what you may hear from other people are likely to be false, or have holes in their tales. Firstly, the ONE, and ONLY ONE, hand drawing I ever did of me and Megan Schroeder in what is of Internet Troll Knowledge on the internet as "Rule 34", of which they have written at rulesoftheinternet.com; involving porn.

I will not be posting the drawing, nor will I ever share it with anyone. The original intent of the drawing was purely and true a wishful thinking piece between me and Megan. And More Importantly, at the time when it was originally drawn, and still would apply, it was a message, informing those damn Trolls and Bullies, who had mislabeled me the opposite, that I was in Full Fact a Straight Male; Heterosexual. Nothing degrading or offensive was meant originally by the art piece, plus her eyes were censored; one could figure any brunette woman was the subject. Megan wants to complain about ONE drawing against me versus Her conspiring the PLace employees, Daniel Mimms, Lucas White and the rest of the entire world to make my life a living Hell. The Encyclopedia Dramatica page was born Late October, 2007; the art was created AFTER she began destroying my Soul, Emotions, Heart, Mentality, and My Good, Clean Life!!! I later tore up the original drawing into many little squares and put them into an envelope, which resides in my scrapbook binder full of shamed past relationship art works.

I have the factual story of everything has actually transpired years ago between me and Megan Schroeder.

August 14th or 21st, 2004 (I'm not sure which; it was shortly after the Yu-Gi-Oh movie was released in theaters); I had been a long time player and fan of Pokémon (both video game and TCG). I became a bit intrigued in the Yu-Gi-Oh TCG, so I took it up as well. The very first tournament I went to at the Game and Hobby PLace; I saw her face, and I fell in love. Over Two Years, during our times between Pokémon League, Yu-Gi-Oh Tournaments, and UFS TCG (Soul Calibur, Street Fighter, etc) events at the PLace, all I had been was Nothing but Good, Nice, and Loyal to her. I only touched her shoulder, hand and long hair; last time I checked, THOSE are non-offensive touches. I had not kissed her; she kissed my hand one time. I spent Hundreds of Dollars on her between gifts, and all of the things I bought on eBay for her; mostly Sailor Moon trading cards, all at her request. She even asked me to buy her a Zune, which I spent over 200 on at Best Buy. And how does she reimburse me for the favors and the Zune? NO Cash; Only "her merchandise" of collectible Anime Manga, a few DVDs, figurines, plushes, and a mix bag of Lego pieces. What did I care then? I was head over heels for that bitch. I bought the Uncut Complete Sailor Moon series on DVDs For MYSELF, then I burned the episodes onto DVD-Rs for her; MY Treat. Admittingly, I had one mishap on One episode in the SailorStars Season; I informed her about that. She declined my gift; she wanted the Original DVDs. H.o.H., I gave her my DVDs. This was still long before October, 2007. We also shared our own hand-drawn art pieces with each other; I drew her in Her favorite Red Dark Magician card, and comically me in my favorite card, Dark Magician Girl.

All of these Good Things, and Freaking Loyalty! And how does she thank me in the end? Getting Mimms and Lucas to take my photograph without my consent, and her ditching me for another dude and PUBLICALLY Making Out with him to Shock me into mental paralysis that same Friday Pokèmon League Night! Then the following Friday, I get my Wii; I randomly decide to Google my name; BAM! The very first hate-filled web page against me. My mother and father had seen her talking with the PLace employees, hearing some parts of her conspirations against me. I had not fully comprehended her Queen Bee of the Internet Trolls and Cyber-Bullies activities until years later. Her conspiring with said employees also led to my being banned from the PLace.

And NOW, she, with Mimms' help, wants to play the ONE drawing versus Total Life Devastation, Destruction, Creating the Worst Online Reputation (Against Me) Ever In This Earth's History! I ask you, who is the real monster here?}}

==Posts by his friends==
===14,386,443 out of a possible 10===
On 3 [[September 2013]], Chris whines to one of his friends about his [[stress]].

{{quoteboxred|Stress level: 14,386,443 out of a possible 10. :(}}
{{quotebox|I hear that. I have a lot of stress in my life. If not the constant haunting of the [[Trolls]]/Cyber-Bullies, all of the individual mistakes I had made in the past greater than a decade (definitely within the recent six years), bad people being awful to me..., then the in person loneliness, the great shyness in Public, my freaking, accursed [[Autism]]...; they stress my [[Obesity|blood pressure]] up, make me feel furious and angry, then I feel weak and faint.

<nowiki>*ugh.*</nowiki>}}

===8 VERY good friends===
On 17 [[September 2013]], one of Chris's new high school friends, Richie Grecki posted:

{{quoteboxred|Sittin in a circle like that '70s show with 8 VERY good friends}}
Chris posted this the next day:
{{quotebox|I wish I could do that now with all of my gal pals: [[Tiffany Gowen]], [[Kellie Andes]], Sarah Bevel, Molly Marie Quarles, Maranda Mitchell..., and to fill in the remaining three slots with my more current friends (still from High School): Sarah Susan Hearn, Ashley Abernathy Aviles, and Rebekah Bentley. If I could invite every other woman to the group, I would, plus Chris Rhodes, Matt Stufano, Brian Smart and Damien Coy.}}

===Offline Schoolhouse Education===
On 20 [[September 2013]], Richie Grecki posted:

{{quoteboxred|no matter what kind of mood i'm in, the commercials for EDUCATIONCONNECTION.COM will always make me laugh.}}
{{quotebox|"Get Connected! For Free!" Give me Offline, Schoolhouse Education for Socialization Practices Any Day.}}

==Posts by Chris on others==

===Expand the blood vessels===
On 18 [[September 2013]], Chris posts on a certain Jamie and Adam post:

{{quoteboxred|Thanks for all the sympathy. Had some of the risotto at Jardiniere last night and felt so much better. Just glad I didn't spew on camera. -- Adam

(For those who missed the story, it's here: http://bit.ly/17GT7Y2)}}
{{quotebox|Wow! I hear you, Adam. I too have felt stomach-ache, dizzy and clammy; the hours you have suffered it and toughed it out like you did, THAT was a major feat in itself. Did you try taking an asprin during that experience? Usually, for me and my mother at least, that kind of stress is brought on by constricting blood vessels. Asprin, among other OTC drugs and Rx, at least my mother says, is one that helps expand the blood vessels.}}

===Homosexual males RUIN everything===
On 21 [[September 2013]], Chris posts on another Jamie and Adam post:

{{quoteboxred|This made me laugh far more than I thought was possible. http://i.imgur.com/mimlRw5.jpg (from reddit) -- Adam}}
{{quotebox|Well, yes and no on humorous. The [[homos|homosexual male]]s RUIN Everything for the rest of us. "YMCA" and rainbows for starters, and I wish we could go back to when "gay" ONLY meant happy, as sung in the "Flintstones" theme song. Oi!}}

==Facebook Shares and Likes==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Likes
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|-
|ahahahaha this is such a joke of an article. there is more to PUNK than not giving a fuck and doing drugs. apparently that makes miley punk. (Miley Cyrus Is Punk As Fuck <nowiki>|</nowiki> NOISEY)
|https://www.facebook.com/richie.grecki/posts/607932602606086
|20 September 2013
|-
|}

{{Facebook}}

[[Category:Facebook]]

Chris and the law

2013-09-23T08:47:02Z

Dann Woolf: /* Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws */

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:116-CWCCop.jpg|thumb|Chris aways keeps an eye out for criminal scum who would dare steal [[Sonichu]].]]

'''Laws''' are rules established by a society to protect its members and ensure the orderly function of society. Their observance is usually maintained by [[Jerkop|law enforcement]] and penalties are placed on those who disobey the laws.

For [[Chris]], however, these just serve as another deterrent in his endless quest for [[china]].

==Understanding==
{{quote|I have been giving him reasons since the police came in June of [[2008]], and nothing has sunken into that [[Hello, Juffalo|clown head]] of his.|[[Michael Snyder]]<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/all_comments?v=6odVsyr3I40]</ref>}}

[[Image:Impliedshooting.jpg|thumb|left|Brutality- [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|Godmode!Chris]]'s solution to Law Enforcement.]]

Like his grip on [[Chris and reality|reality]], Chris's understanding of the law is uneasy at best, and dangerously naïve at worst . He regularly threatens trolls with legal action, and makes no distinction in severity between a troll [[Ivy Q&A|threatening violence]] against Chris and a troll uploading a harmless picture of [[Rosechu]] with a [[pickle]] to the Internet. As a matter of fact, Chris himself is prone to making [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|extremely violent threats]], such as [[Sign Destruction Video|threatening to murder]] [[Vivian]] and her entire family because of the [[audiobooks]]. He's done everything from calling the police to convincing his father to write to then-[[George W. Bush|President Bush]] in an attempt to get rid of his [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] page. He has even attempted (poorly) to impersonate the President in a hilarious attempt to convince the trolls at ED to take down his page,<ref>http://encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Chris-chan&diff=prev&oldid=1997405266</ref> and has attempted to contact current [[Barack Obama|President Obama]] to stop people from posting gay ads. Chris also believes that the laws in [[CWCville]] and the laws stated in [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] should be enforced ''in real life.''<ref>[[Mailbag 55#Draconian fun!]]</ref>

Chris himself doesn't have much respect for laws and rules, at least when [[Chris and hypocrisy|their enforcement inconveniences him]]. During his time at [[Get-Tar Region|Target]] he didn't see anything wrong with exploiting the free refill policy and loitering for hours at a time in a privately-owned establishment while harassing female customers and apparently [[Attraction Sign|soliciting sex]]. Chris feels that his [[Virgin with rage|emotional state]] entirely justifies his actions at times, stating in [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]] that he should be excused for disturbing the peace by literally shouting "NOOOOOOO!" loudly in the middle of a crowded mall.<ref>[[Sonichu 1#Sub-Episode 2: Christian Chandler in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart"]]</ref>

Self-contradictory to a fault, though, Chris is happy to meticulously follow some laws while ignoring others at the same time. In [[Sonichu Special 4]], his cartoon avatar makes a point of obeying the speed limit...while on his way to confront [[Liquid Chris]] and commit assault with a [[Megatron Pistol|deadly weapon]] upon him. Any intelligent and decent person could tell you which of these laws is more important, but Chris is neither intelligent nor decent. In a [[May 2010]] video, Chris states that he believes a man who brutally beat his girlfriend to death with his bare hands deserved twenty years in prison for his crimes, which is just twice the penalty he wants for [[Tobacky|smoking]].<ref>[[05142010]]</ref>

In addition, Chris has very little respect for [[Jerkops|those who enforce the law]]:

{{quote|Verbal Combat had started, and during the fight, I ran off, still giving verbal punishment, as well as da finger, and many “[[Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha]]s.” I nearly backed up onto him with my car, and I gave him another finger. Then I dashed off.|Excerpt from Chris's [[CWC's Diary|diary]]}}

The above quote pretty much defines Chris's attitude towards law enforcement officials. He feels that it is completely appropriate to flip off, insult, and [[lie]] to people who are simply doing their jobs. And, of course, as any rational person (i.e. anyone who's not Chris) would understand, running away from law enforcement officials is a seriously bad idea. Chris is truly a rebel without a cause or effect.

The correspondence with Jackie revealed that in the trial on the [[Target]] incident, Chris thought that his work with the [[The_GAMe_PLACe#Chris_the_TCG_gamer|Pokémon TCG League]] let him off the hook.<ref>[[Jackie e-mails Part 2#Chris_lies_about_The_Game_Place]]</ref> In reality, the court probably acquitted him either on a technicality or insufficient evidence. Chris probably mentioned the volunteer work because he believed a person's merits, no matter how unrelated, would automatically make one innocent of all charges. It is also telling that he recounted the charge as "Soliciting", whereas the actual charge was "Disorderly Conduct"; he feels that he was only persecuted because of his [[Love Quest]] efforts, and not because he was tard raging.

==Legal troubles==

===2004===
On 11 September [[2004]], Chris was detained at [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]] for loitering, and continually arguing with the staff over a number of months. The incident is depicted in [[Sub-Episode 1]]. Chris was banned from returning to the mall on his own and without his parents' company. However, it appears that this ban was lifted or ignored soon afterward.

===2005===
On 20 July [[2005]], Chris was charged with disorderly conduct<ref name="2005 Disorderly Conduct">[[:File:20050720-GC05009339-00.png|Disorderly conduct charge, 20 July 2005]]</ref> and trespassing<ref name="2005 Trespassing">[[:File:20050720-GC05009340-00.png|Trespassing charge, 20 July 2005]]</ref> at Target, as depicted in [[Sub-Episode 7]] and [[Sub-Episode 8]]. After two hearings,<ref name="2005 Disorderly Conduct" /><ref name="2005 Trespassing" /> prosecutors chose to drop the case and Chris was not punished.

Five days later, Chris caused an auto accident when he followed another car too closely and rear-ended it. This went to court on 12 September 2005.<ref name="2005 Following Too Close">[[:File:20050728-GT05011195-00.png|Following too close, 28 July 2005]]</ref> He was fined $30 and had to pay $56 in court costs.

===2010===
Chris's various run-ins at [[The GAMe PLACe]] have resulted in the cops being called on him a couple times. At least once after Chris called in his parents after he was initially banned from the location and tried to weasel his way back in, and again when he trespassed on the property, though he wasn't charged with anything on either occasion.<ref>[[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean]]</ref>

On 4 [[June 2010]], Chris made yet another pilgrimage to The GAMe PLACe. Chris was armed with his camera, and while Mike was concerned that Chris wanted pictures of his daughter for [[Mass Debating|disturbing reasons]], Chris maintains that he merely wanted a picture of Mike [[Death threats|for use as a dartboard]]. Still disturbing, but in entirely different ways. Chris was caught in the parking lot despite trying to run away, and was questioned by the police, who made him delete the pictures he had taken, and basically told him to quit his shit. Chris made his [[6 June 2010]] video in response to these events.

===2011===
In a [[May 2011]] [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] post, Chris said that he has begun to use the ladies' restroom at his local mall while dressed in drag; he recounts an incident in which ''"a woman complains and tattles on me, and a [[JERK|stereotypical Brute male]] shouts me out. I felt embarassed. When in skirt, I am still gonna go to the Ladies, because there is no goin' back for me."'' This supposed brute male may or may not have been with [[Jerkop|mall security]].

In his [[Calling Out|three new videos]] posted after 8-month-long hiatus from YouTube he tries to do something which some viewers of ''The Chandler Show'' believe to be blackmail. Chris admitted it by typing word ''blackmail'' in tags for last of them; however trolls hoping for a lawsuit [[saga]] shouldn't get their hopes up, because it's unlikely any of the [[trolls]] threatened by it would want to report him, given that they've all been trying to get him back onto the internet for months and wouldn't want to drive him off again. Not to mention Chris probably doesn't have anything on them at all. Note that under Virginia law, his demands are more likely to be considered extortion (still a class five felony) rather than blackmail.

In the same video, Chris also point blank accused [[Michael Snyder]] of molesting his own daughter, all while admitting that he doesn't have any concrete proof of his allegation. Given how prone he is to accusing others of slandering him (aka pointing out his bad qualities that are extremely evident to everyone but Chris), Chris's accusations are very hypocritical. If Michael Snyder did want to sue Chris in civil court, he would indeed have a case against him as Chris's allegations are textbook defamation. However, it's questionable what Snyder would win in litigation, aside from a [[PS3]], numerous children's [[toys]] and the five or so dollars in Chris's bank account.

On [[28 October 2011]], Chris ended up in the worst possible scenario, netting a felony charge and two misdemeanors in what appears to be a ''third'' attempt to enter the GAMe PLACe. It appears that the Virginia justice system had finally run out of patience.

As a direct result of his October 28 run in with Michael Snyder, Chris had found both himself and his [[barb|mother]] on the receiving end of a civil suit. Having been sentenced to community service and put under a probation, and being charged with paying Snyder's medical bills, this may very well have been the first time that he has felt ramifications for his accusations and threats. However, it is much more likely that he simply [[Chris and his ego|doesn't care]], or still feels as if he were the [[Kick the autistic|real victim]] in all of this.

===2012===

[[File:Card.PNG|thumb]]

On 4 [[February 2012]], it was revealed on his [[Facebook]] that Chris no longer has respect for ''any'' sort of law enforcement after the events of [[28 October 2011]], officially deeming everyone who upholds the law a [[Jerkop]]. At the same time, he revealed another encounter with the boys in blue that day. As he attempted to pass out fliers while at the mall, encouraging others to stay away from the Game Place, two Jerkops (or as Chris puts it, "a Jerkop and an accomplice") approach him. Despite the officers simply wanting to talk to him and letting him know he wasn't in any trouble, Chris's paranoia kicked in and he ran. While the story Chris gives seem to hint that the officers just wanted to tell him to knock off the distribution of fliers, Chris believed otherwise, citing that one of them called out his name and making him think they wanted to post another encounter with him on the Internet. He escaped by diving into a Mitsubishi, most likely replacing the dying piece of scrap that is [[Son-Chu]], and driving off.

On the 12th April, Chris [[Virgin_with_rage#No_longer_a_virgin_.28no_word_on_the_rage.29|announced the loss of his virginity]], giving off strong hints that he had slept with a hired prostitute. He all but [[Facebook#Hey.2C_Trollies|confirmed this]] on the 1st May, when he said that he 'found her on the backpage', a website that solicits prostitutes. In the state of Virginia, this constitutes a Class 1 Misdeameanor and is therefore illegal. It is unknown whether or not Chris is aware of this, but it's very likely that if he is, [[Fuck Quest|he simply doesn't care.]]

On 28 [[April 2012]], Chris revealed another incident in the mall. Prior to his Facebook note on 30 [[March 2012]], Chris got into a shouting match with a troll on his cell phone at the mall. The shouting did not go unnoticed, and Chris ran for it once security was called in. On 25 April, Chris received a ban from the mall,<ref>[[Facebook#Maniacal Laughter from Who now? Oh, wait, It Is ME! >8D]]</ref> though it is unknown if it was for that incident or an incident that happened between those two dates.

On 10 [[July 2012]], Chris was arraigned in court for the [[28 October 2011]] incident. After calling Snyder a "thieving liar" in the courtroom, Chris was sentenced to community service and is under a one-year probation. If he does not comply, he will go to jail. He was also ordered to pay Snyder's medical bills.

===2013===

In September 2013, Chris committed an act of vandalism (an arrestable offense) by defacing an [[HEX-BOX|XBox One]] display at a [[Wal-Mart]], but got off easy by merely just being banned from the store. Given his furious reaction to this and his track record with a [[Michael Snyder|certain store owner]] who also did the same, it remains to be seen if Chris would follow up on his threat to have his revenge. Also, much like his tantrum at the [[Fashion Square Mall]] in 2005, Chris was also confronted by a [[jerkop]] at a local restaurant after scratching a woman's car with his, and screaming out loud in public. Chris claimed he was [[Chris_and_religion|cursing God for all his misfortune recently]].

==Chris's parents and law==

It's not hard to figure out why Chris thinks the law should serve him and him alone. His parents, too, have the same problem.

* When Chris was thrown out of the [[Wikipedia:Cub Scouting (Boy Scouts of America)|Cub Scouts]] after an [[autism|unknown incident]], his parents attempted to sue the [[Wikipedia:Boy Scouts of America|Boy Scouts of America]] for [[Kick the autistic|discrimination]].<ref>[[Mailbag 18]]</ref>
* When Chris threw a tantrum that required him to be restrained, Bob attempted to sue the school.<ref>[http://208.210.219.132/stars/mainmenu.jsp;jsessionid=0000XHMY2MEVFIV0HN4N1CX0EQA:ulnfn1uq], case 0438-94-2</ref>
* When [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] took a picture of Chris and uploaded it to the Internet, Chris's parents threatened them with legal action (but never followed through).
* When [[Snorlax]] thought she had indigestion (actually [[Wikipedia:colitis|colitis]]), she acted like she was going to sue the Chinese place the food came from. When the doctor actually explained what happened, she dropped the subject.
* Chris inherited his love of running from problems - when his parents had their absurd case against Greene County used against them, their first reaction was to run to another county.<ref>[[Greene County Conspiracy]]</ref>
* When [[Asperchu|Alec]] called the Chandler household posing as [[GAMe PLACe]] employee Matthew Noble, they claimed that taking pictures of somebody without their knowledge or consent was "not illegal." It is ironic, given that they threatened to sue Mimms and Lucas for exactly the same thing.<ref name="Matthew Noble call">[[Matthew Noble call]]</ref>
* During that same call, Bob seems to completely disregard the concept that an individual can be barred from private property, saying, "it's a business place," as though that has any more bearing on the law and how it affects his son than, say, the color of the store's walls.<ref name="Matthew Noble call"/>
* On [[28 October 2011]], Barb was arrested for not only fleeing the scene of an accident, but also felony assault on a police officer, a crime that a remotely sensible person would never commit due to the serious consequences attached to it (mandatory minimum of six months' imprisonment on conviction); however, the recent death of her husband, her age, ill-health and dependent son probably helped earn her clemency.
*On 10 [[July 2012]], Barb was arraigned in court for her participation in the 28 October 2011 incident. She was sentenced to community service and is under a two year probation.

==Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws==
[[Image:AL cover.gif|thumb|Where Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws come from.]]
As he believes the police in real life are corrupt and sees them in the same light as he sees the [[jerkop]]s in his comic, Chris has his own spin on the law. The penalties for [[Alcohol|drinking]], [[Tobacky|smoking]] and [[troll|internet harassment]] involve physical violence including a "Kick in the Teeth" which Chris portrays as a punch in the first and only of his supposed series of Q&A videos.<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008|the only one]]</ref>

On 31 [[December 2009]], Chris presented a nice babble about a law he wants made to prevent [[Jack Thaddeus]] from using adspace he paid for.

{{quote|I Have The Instinct, and I Have Already [[CWC-ism|Snail-Mailed]] President Barack Obama on how this sort of bad advertisement is going on and how it is Wrong and should be made Illegal. On HOW if the Main Captain does not WANT or IS OFFENDED with the listed Ads within his own Website or Works, REGARDLESS of who controls the AdSpace, WOULD REMOVE THOSE ADS or face JAILTIME. And the F.B.I. would be FULLY INVOLVED in all this, and THEY have the Power, Tools and Balls to seek, hunt down and bring in the Individual Internet Trolls and Ad-Spammers.|Chris, [[Chris and his Ego|Thinking he's important]]}}

Yes, you heard it right. Chris wants to ask the President of the United States to make [[Chris and Reality|advertisements he doesn't like illegal.]] From a practical standpoint, CWCipedia is the only wiki that has a "Main Captain." This "Main Captain" does literally nothing to run or maintain the site at all. Furthermore, if someone paid for adspace, the host that received the money must allow the purchasing party to use said adspace for the allotted time, no matter what they advertise, or the host faces legal penalties. And last but not least, the President has better things to do than slap laws on wikis. It also escapes Chris's mind that the President doesn't make laws. He would have had a better chance if he had mailed his congressman. He of course, will never bother.

This attitude is also reflected on his relationship with [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. [[2003|Years ago]], she interrupted Chris in what looked like [[Love Quest#Conflicts with Mary Lee Walsh|soliciting for sex]]. [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hilarity ensued]] and Chris received a well-deserved [[Autism papers|time-out]] for [[Chris and anger|his antics]]. Fast-forward in [[2009]] when Chris, out of the blue decides to make peace. He went to her office and left her a [[:File:Apology to Mary Lee.jpg|"Framed Hand-Drawn Apology"]] on her doorstep.<ref>[[One Blessing, and One Curse|out of the blue]]</ref> Knowing Chris's attitude, she filled a trespassing notice. In pure [[autistic]] logic, Chris said that since he didn't read the letter and returned it to the sender, he's not liable.<ref>[[Mailbag 26]]</ref>

[[Mailbag 55]] posits a few more original laws: one, that it should be illegal for [[Jerks|men]] to ever show their [[Reldnahc|bare chest]] (because, according to Chris, no one in the entire world ever wants to see a man's bare chest, disregarding [[women]], [[Homos|gay men]] and boxing enthusiasts), and two he wants to [[Women's rights|force all women]] in any kind of relationship to wear rings, thus defeating all symbolism and significance of them.

Due to Chris being forced away from the Internet, Chris began to formulate a new law, the "Bill for Anti Online Bad-Mouthing," starting with his second [[Flipnote Hatena|Flipnote]], [[Don'tGetTrolled!]]. What this entails is unknown, but by the sounds if it, he wishes for a law where no one can ever speak up against anyone in a negative tone, thus allowing Chris to continue to have his e-peen stroked while the trolls can't touch him. While there have been laws that punish those that lead to others being harmed via the Internet, the Bill for Anti Online Bad-Mouthing is one of the most ridiculous ideas ever, as it leads to a complete and utter smashing of the [[Wikipedia:Bill of Rights|Bill of Rights]], specifically [[Wikipedia:Freedom of Speech|Freedom of Speech]].

TL;DR: Chris ignores the law when it's inconvenient, yet expects it to save the day when the [[Autism]] card doesn't work.

==In the comic==
Chris's understanding of the law in his comics goes so far as to been seen as a mixture of childish tendencies and, some might say, authoritarianism. In [[CWCville]], Chris has banned a number of things in his city. [[Tobacky|Smoking]] or drinking [[alcohol]] would lead one to be either sentenced to ten years in prison or a much more lenient US$1,500 fine (although, as [[CWCville]] uses C-Quarters and W-Quarters for currency, it's not clear why fines are levied in US dollars).<ref name="Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008">[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008]]</ref> Indeed, importing tobacco or alcohol is the most serious crime in the city, apparently receiving a greater punishment than murder or rape.<ref name="Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008"/> However, it should be noted that Chris [[Rollin' and Trollin'|repealed the law against alcohol]] in [[June 2009]].

The Rosechus tend to fight for [[women's rights]], that is to say, the ability to strip naked whenever and wherever they want to, not to mention the fact that full legal rights for women are already established across the US, suggesting that Chris has imposed discriminating laws against women in CWCville.

Chris has been seen as a do-nothing Mayor, preferring to have [[Allison Amber|his secretary]] do all the work (as per his thoughts on women) while he goes off on another one of his sweetheart searches. He has mandated "[[Dating Education]]" classes for students so that they can learn to go on dates, as well as how to "stay straight."

[[List_of_Sonichu_characters#Constables_Gerald_Grant_and_Louis_Perez|Actual police officers]] did not appear until [[Sonichu 10|quite late]] and even then, they did nothing whatsoever, giving the impression that Chris and his [[Pokémon]] abominations are the only thing standing between peace and eternal virgins with rage. However, [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu #9'']] seems to reveal that there are three sets of "other" protectors: a (possibly) nondescript police force (distinct from [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s [[jerkops]]), as well as his own team of [[Power Rangers]] and a team of [[Transformers]].

{{quote|Is CWCville under Martial Law?|[[Jack Thaddeus]] citing the truth as he sees it}}

It gets even scarier. In conversation with [[Jack Thaddeus]], he revealed that CWCville is the home of a paramilitary force equipped with tanks which he uses as a "Police Force", and all his [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]] enjoy immunity from prosecution and are above the law.<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]</ref> If we add all this to the fact that there are no free elections in CWCville, this shows us the city in the hands of an insane, tyrannical dictator running it with an iron fist, and backed with super-powered goons who are free to do any atrocity with impunity. According to Chris, [[Magi-Chan]] mentally scans the city perimeters for any sexual acts, and reports any [[homos|homosexual]] activity to the authorities. The participants are then "tried and fined HEAVILY; $500 or 50 Hours of Community Service."<ref>[[Mailbag 31#Magi-Chan knows when you fuck]]</ref> Apparently in CWCville, the [[Wikipedia:Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution]] does not apply in matters of personal sexual choice, and neither does the [[wikipedia:Lawrence v. Texas|U.S. Supreme Court ruling]] finding sodomy laws to be unconstitutional.

In a strange [[Chris and hypocrisy|set of double standards]], Chris has been shown to injure, kill, or damage people and property ''outside of CWCVille''. [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu #10'']] has shown no less than four grievous acts upon others: the destruction of the [[4-cent garbage]] building, the murder of over one hundred alleged "trolls" in said destruction, breaking and entering, and destroying Internet files and property. There was no evidence to suggest that this act of mass murder was even investigated by the authorities, and the comic portrays this act of [[terrorism]] as Chris heroically defeating a gang of criminals.

Following the death of [[Simonla]], the culprits ([[Alec]], [[Mao]], [[Sean]] and [[Evan]]) are subjected to a show trial, and given no defense attorney by the state (violating the [[Wikipedia:Sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Sixth Amendment]]) forcing Sean to act as their lawyer despite being [[Tobacky|high as a kite]]. There is no solid evidence presented for the murder charge, aside from the Voltorb remote (which the prosecutor never tried to prove belonged to them) and wholly unreliable "psychic evidence" extracted by Magi-Chan. When they're railroaded and found guilty, they're ''killed by the people they've wronged'' (read: murdered brutally by cartoon characters), in a gross violation of the [[Wikipedia:Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Eighth Amendment]] forbidding cruel and unusual punishment.

Demonstrating Chris's limited understanding of trials (as his knowledge of trials stems purely from television), the kangaroo court integrates both elements of civil and criminal trials. The Asperpedia Four are not only prosecuted for murder by a [[Marvey Blaziken|state attorney]], as per a criminal trial, but also charged with defamation of character, libel, and copyright infringement (as well as several charges such as "profanity to the max" that would hold no water in an actual court) by Chris and his cohorts, as per a civil trial. Surely enough, Chris, Sonichu, and Rosechu are sitting in a bench marked "PLAINTIF" [sic]. That both civil and criminal charges are included in one trial not only demonstrates a poor understanding of the courtroom process, but is further proof that Chris considers "slanderous mockeries" and other torts on par with major crimes such as murder and assault. To add to the equation, one cannot be given a death sentence (or any sentence, for that matter) for being guilty in a civil trial, but in the Asperpedia Four trial civil charges are the primary reason for the death sentence. In summary, the CWCville court system is a constitutional nightmare that violates multiple articles and amendments, and has no concept of due process. One must wonder why it is allowed to exist within the borders of the U.S.

tl;dr: Any semblance of law in CWCville exists solely to further the wishes of its tyrannical (and murderous) Mayor.

== Sources ==
<references />

==See also==
*[[Parody]]
*[[Jerkop]]
*[[Manajerk]]
*[[Chris and copyright]]

{{Chris and}}

Chris and the law

2013-09-23T08:44:56Z

Dann Woolf:

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:116-CWCCop.jpg|thumb|Chris aways keeps an eye out for criminal scum who would dare steal [[Sonichu]].]]

'''Laws''' are rules established by a society to protect its members and ensure the orderly function of society. Their observance is usually maintained by [[Jerkop|law enforcement]] and penalties are placed on those who disobey the laws.

For [[Chris]], however, these just serve as another deterrent in his endless quest for [[china]].

==Understanding==
{{quote|I have been giving him reasons since the police came in June of [[2008]], and nothing has sunken into that [[Hello, Juffalo|clown head]] of his.|[[Michael Snyder]]<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/all_comments?v=6odVsyr3I40]</ref>}}

[[Image:Impliedshooting.jpg|thumb|left|Brutality- [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|Godmode!Chris]]'s solution to Law Enforcement.]]

Like his grip on [[Chris and reality|reality]], Chris's understanding of the law is uneasy at best, and dangerously naïve at worst . He regularly threatens trolls with legal action, and makes no distinction in severity between a troll [[Ivy Q&A|threatening violence]] against Chris and a troll uploading a harmless picture of [[Rosechu]] with a [[pickle]] to the Internet. As a matter of fact, Chris himself is prone to making [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|extremely violent threats]], such as [[Sign Destruction Video|threatening to murder]] [[Vivian]] and her entire family because of the [[audiobooks]]. He's done everything from calling the police to convincing his father to write to then-[[George W. Bush|President Bush]] in an attempt to get rid of his [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] page. He has even attempted (poorly) to impersonate the President in a hilarious attempt to convince the trolls at ED to take down his page,<ref>http://encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Chris-chan&diff=prev&oldid=1997405266</ref> and has attempted to contact current [[Barack Obama|President Obama]] to stop people from posting gay ads. Chris also believes that the laws in [[CWCville]] and the laws stated in [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] should be enforced ''in real life.''<ref>[[Mailbag 55#Draconian fun!]]</ref>

Chris himself doesn't have much respect for laws and rules, at least when [[Chris and hypocrisy|their enforcement inconveniences him]]. During his time at [[Get-Tar Region|Target]] he didn't see anything wrong with exploiting the free refill policy and loitering for hours at a time in a privately-owned establishment while harassing female customers and apparently [[Attraction Sign|soliciting sex]]. Chris feels that his [[Virgin with rage|emotional state]] entirely justifies his actions at times, stating in [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]] that he should be excused for disturbing the peace by literally shouting "NOOOOOOO!" loudly in the middle of a crowded mall.<ref>[[Sonichu 1#Sub-Episode 2: Christian Chandler in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart"]]</ref>

Self-contradictory to a fault, though, Chris is happy to meticulously follow some laws while ignoring others at the same time. In [[Sonichu Special 4]], his cartoon avatar makes a point of obeying the speed limit...while on his way to confront [[Liquid Chris]] and commit assault with a [[Megatron Pistol|deadly weapon]] upon him. Any intelligent and decent person could tell you which of these laws is more important, but Chris is neither intelligent nor decent. In a [[May 2010]] video, Chris states that he believes a man who brutally beat his girlfriend to death with his bare hands deserved twenty years in prison for his crimes, which is just twice the penalty he wants for [[Tobacky|smoking]].<ref>[[05142010]]</ref>

In addition, Chris has very little respect for [[Jerkops|those who enforce the law]]:

{{quote|Verbal Combat had started, and during the fight, I ran off, still giving verbal punishment, as well as da finger, and many “[[Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha]]s.” I nearly backed up onto him with my car, and I gave him another finger. Then I dashed off.|Excerpt from Chris's [[CWC's Diary|diary]]}}

The above quote pretty much defines Chris's attitude towards law enforcement officials. He feels that it is completely appropriate to flip off, insult, and [[lie]] to people who are simply doing their jobs. And, of course, as any rational person (i.e. anyone who's not Chris) would understand, running away from law enforcement officials is a seriously bad idea. Chris is truly a rebel without a cause or effect.

The correspondence with Jackie revealed that in the trial on the [[Target]] incident, Chris thought that his work with the [[The_GAMe_PLACe#Chris_the_TCG_gamer|Pokémon TCG League]] let him off the hook.<ref>[[Jackie e-mails Part 2#Chris_lies_about_The_Game_Place]]</ref> In reality, the court probably acquitted him either on a technicality or insufficient evidence. Chris probably mentioned the volunteer work because he believed a person's merits, no matter how unrelated, would automatically make one innocent of all charges. It is also telling that he recounted the charge as "Soliciting", whereas the actual charge was "Disorderly Conduct"; he feels that he was only persecuted because of his [[Love Quest]] efforts, and not because he was tard raging.

==Legal troubles==

===2004===
On 11 September [[2004]], Chris was detained at [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]] for loitering, and continually arguing with the staff over a number of months. The incident is depicted in [[Sub-Episode 1]]. Chris was banned from returning to the mall on his own and without his parents' company. However, it appears that this ban was lifted or ignored soon afterward.

===2005===
On 20 July [[2005]], Chris was charged with disorderly conduct<ref name="2005 Disorderly Conduct">[[:File:20050720-GC05009339-00.png|Disorderly conduct charge, 20 July 2005]]</ref> and trespassing<ref name="2005 Trespassing">[[:File:20050720-GC05009340-00.png|Trespassing charge, 20 July 2005]]</ref> at Target, as depicted in [[Sub-Episode 7]] and [[Sub-Episode 8]]. After two hearings,<ref name="2005 Disorderly Conduct" /><ref name="2005 Trespassing" /> prosecutors chose to drop the case and Chris was not punished.

Five days later, Chris caused an auto accident when he followed another car too closely and rear-ended it. This went to court on 12 September 2005.<ref name="2005 Following Too Close">[[:File:20050728-GT05011195-00.png|Following too close, 28 July 2005]]</ref> He was fined $30 and had to pay $56 in court costs.

===2010===
Chris's various run-ins at [[The GAMe PLACe]] have resulted in the cops being called on him a couple times. At least once after Chris called in his parents after he was initially banned from the location and tried to weasel his way back in, and again when he trespassed on the property, though he wasn't charged with anything on either occasion.<ref>[[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean]]</ref>

On 4 [[June 2010]], Chris made yet another pilgrimage to The GAMe PLACe. Chris was armed with his camera, and while Mike was concerned that Chris wanted pictures of his daughter for [[Mass Debating|disturbing reasons]], Chris maintains that he merely wanted a picture of Mike [[Death threats|for use as a dartboard]]. Still disturbing, but in entirely different ways. Chris was caught in the parking lot despite trying to run away, and was questioned by the police, who made him delete the pictures he had taken, and basically told him to quit his shit. Chris made his [[6 June 2010]] video in response to these events.

===2011===
In a [[May 2011]] [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] post, Chris said that he has begun to use the ladies' restroom at his local mall while dressed in drag; he recounts an incident in which ''"a woman complains and tattles on me, and a [[JERK|stereotypical Brute male]] shouts me out. I felt embarassed. When in skirt, I am still gonna go to the Ladies, because there is no goin' back for me."'' This supposed brute male may or may not have been with [[Jerkop|mall security]].

In his [[Calling Out|three new videos]] posted after 8-month-long hiatus from YouTube he tries to do something which some viewers of ''The Chandler Show'' believe to be blackmail. Chris admitted it by typing word ''blackmail'' in tags for last of them; however trolls hoping for a lawsuit [[saga]] shouldn't get their hopes up, because it's unlikely any of the [[trolls]] threatened by it would want to report him, given that they've all been trying to get him back onto the internet for months and wouldn't want to drive him off again. Not to mention Chris probably doesn't have anything on them at all. Note that under Virginia law, his demands are more likely to be considered extortion (still a class five felony) rather than blackmail.

In the same video, Chris also point blank accused [[Michael Snyder]] of molesting his own daughter, all while admitting that he doesn't have any concrete proof of his allegation. Given how prone he is to accusing others of slandering him (aka pointing out his bad qualities that are extremely evident to everyone but Chris), Chris's accusations are very hypocritical. If Michael Snyder did want to sue Chris in civil court, he would indeed have a case against him as Chris's allegations are textbook defamation. However, it's questionable what Snyder would win in litigation, aside from a [[PS3]], numerous children's [[toys]] and the five or so dollars in Chris's bank account.

On [[28 October 2011]], Chris ended up in the worst possible scenario, netting a felony charge and two misdemeanors in what appears to be a ''third'' attempt to enter the GAMe PLACe. It appears that the Virginia justice system had finally run out of patience.

As a direct result of his October 28 run in with Michael Snyder, Chris had found both himself and his [[barb|mother]] on the receiving end of a civil suit. Having been sentenced to community service and put under a probation, and being charged with paying Snyder's medical bills, this may very well have been the first time that he has felt ramifications for his accusations and threats. However, it is much more likely that he simply [[Chris and his ego|doesn't care]], or still feels as if he were the [[Kick the autistic|real victim]] in all of this.

===2012===

[[File:Card.PNG|thumb]]

On 4 [[February 2012]], it was revealed on his [[Facebook]] that Chris no longer has respect for ''any'' sort of law enforcement after the events of [[28 October 2011]], officially deeming everyone who upholds the law a [[Jerkop]]. At the same time, he revealed another encounter with the boys in blue that day. As he attempted to pass out fliers while at the mall, encouraging others to stay away from the Game Place, two Jerkops (or as Chris puts it, "a Jerkop and an accomplice") approach him. Despite the officers simply wanting to talk to him and letting him know he wasn't in any trouble, Chris's paranoia kicked in and he ran. While the story Chris gives seem to hint that the officers just wanted to tell him to knock off the distribution of fliers, Chris believed otherwise, citing that one of them called out his name and making him think they wanted to post another encounter with him on the Internet. He escaped by diving into a Mitsubishi, most likely replacing the dying piece of scrap that is [[Son-Chu]], and driving off.

On the 12th April, Chris [[Virgin_with_rage#No_longer_a_virgin_.28no_word_on_the_rage.29|announced the loss of his virginity]], giving off strong hints that he had slept with a hired prostitute. He all but [[Facebook#Hey.2C_Trollies|confirmed this]] on the 1st May, when he said that he 'found her on the backpage', a website that solicits prostitutes. In the state of Virginia, this constitutes a Class 1 Misdeameanor and is therefore illegal. It is unknown whether or not Chris is aware of this, but it's very likely that if he is, [[Fuck Quest|he simply doesn't care.]]

On 28 [[April 2012]], Chris revealed another incident in the mall. Prior to his Facebook note on 30 [[March 2012]], Chris got into a shouting match with a troll on his cell phone at the mall. The shouting did not go unnoticed, and Chris ran for it once security was called in. On 25 April, Chris received a ban from the mall,<ref>[[Facebook#Maniacal Laughter from Who now? Oh, wait, It Is ME! >8D]]</ref> though it is unknown if it was for that incident or an incident that happened between those two dates.

On 10 [[July 2012]], Chris was arraigned in court for the [[28 October 2011]] incident. After calling Snyder a "thieving liar" in the courtroom, Chris was sentenced to community service and is under a one-year probation. If he does not comply, he will go to jail. He was also ordered to pay Snyder's medical bills.

===2013===

In September 2013, Chris committed an act of vandalism (an arrestable offense) by defacing an [[HEX-BOX|XBox One]] display at a [[Wal-Mart]], but got off easy by merely just being banned from the store. Given his furious reaction to this and his track record with a [[Michael Snyder|certain store owner]] who also did the same, it remains to be seen if Chris would follow up on his threat to have his revenge. Also, much like his tantrum at the [[Fashion Square Mall]] in 2005, Chris was also confronted by a [[jerkop]] at a local restaurant after scratching a woman's car with his, and screaming out loud in public. Chris claimed he was [[Chris_and_religion|cursing God for all his misfortune recently]].

==Chris's parents and law==

It's not hard to figure out why Chris thinks the law should serve him and him alone. His parents, too, have the same problem.

* When Chris was thrown out of the [[Wikipedia:Cub Scouting (Boy Scouts of America)|Cub Scouts]] after an [[autism|unknown incident]], his parents attempted to sue the [[Wikipedia:Boy Scouts of America|Boy Scouts of America]] for [[Kick the autistic|discrimination]].<ref>[[Mailbag 18]]</ref>
* When Chris threw a tantrum that required him to be restrained, Bob attempted to sue the school.<ref>[http://208.210.219.132/stars/mainmenu.jsp;jsessionid=0000XHMY2MEVFIV0HN4N1CX0EQA:ulnfn1uq], case 0438-94-2</ref>
* When [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] took a picture of Chris and uploaded it to the Internet, Chris's parents threatened them with legal action (but never followed through).
* When [[Snorlax]] thought she had indigestion (actually [[Wikipedia:colitis|colitis]]), she acted like she was going to sue the Chinese place the food came from. When the doctor actually explained what happened, she dropped the subject.
* Chris inherited his love of running from problems - when his parents had their absurd case against Greene County used against them, their first reaction was to run to another county.<ref>[[Greene County Conspiracy]]</ref>
* When [[Asperchu|Alec]] called the Chandler household posing as [[GAMe PLACe]] employee Matthew Noble, they claimed that taking pictures of somebody without their knowledge or consent was "not illegal." It is ironic, given that they threatened to sue Mimms and Lucas for exactly the same thing.<ref name="Matthew Noble call">[[Matthew Noble call]]</ref>
* During that same call, Bob seems to completely disregard the concept that an individual can be barred from private property, saying, "it's a business place," as though that has any more bearing on the law and how it affects his son than, say, the color of the store's walls.<ref name="Matthew Noble call"/>
* On [[28 October 2011]], Barb was arrested for not only fleeing the scene of an accident, but also felony assault on a police officer, a crime that a remotely sensible person would never commit due to the serious consequences attached to it (mandatory minimum of six months' imprisonment on conviction); however, the recent death of her husband, her age, ill-health and dependent son probably helped earn her clemency.
*On 10 [[July 2012]], Barb was arraigned in court for her participation in the 28 October 2011 incident. She was sentenced to community service and is under a two year probation.

==Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws==
[[Image:AL cover.gif|thumb|Where Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws come from.]]
As he believes the police in real life are corrupt and sees them in the same light as he sees the [[jerkop]]s in his comic, Chris has his own spin on the law. The penalties for [[Alcohol|drinking]], [[Tobacky|smoking]] and [[troll|internet harassment]] involve physical violence including a "Kick in the Teeth" which Chris portrays as a punch in the first and only of his supposed series of Q&A videos.<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008|the only one]]</ref>

On 31 [[December 2009]], Chris presented a nice babble about a law he wants made to prevent [[Jack Thaddeus]] from using adspace he paid for.

{{quote|I Have The Instinct, and I Have Already [[CWC-ism|Snail-Mailed]] President Barack Obama on how this sort of bad advertisement is going on and how it is Wrong and should be made Illegal. On HOW if the Main Captain does not WANT or IS OFFENDED with the listed Ads within his own Website or Works, REGARDLESS of who controls the AdSpace, WOULD REMOVE THOSE ADS or face JAILTIME. And the F.B.I. would be FULLY INVOLVED in all this, and THEY have the Power, Tools and Balls to seek, hunt down and bring in the Individual Internet Trolls and Ad-Spammers.|Chris, [[Chris and his Ego|Thinking he's important]]}}

Yes, you heard it right. Chris wants to ask the President of the United States to make [[Chris and Reality|advertisements he doesn't like illegal.]] From a practical standpoint, CWCipedia is the only wiki that has a "Main Captain." This "Main Captain" does literally nothing to run or maintain the site at all. Furthermore, if someone paid for adspace, the host that received the money must allow the purchasing party to use said adspace for the allotted time, no matter what they advertise, or the host faces legal penalties. And last but not least, the President has better things to do than slap laws on wikis. It also escapes Chris's mind that the President doesn't make law. He would have had a better chance if he had mailed his congressman. He of course, will never bother.

This attitude is also reflected on his relationship with [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. [[2003|Years ago]], she interrupted Chris in what looked like [[Love Quest#Conflicts with Mary Lee Walsh|soliciting for sex]]. [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hilarity ensued]] and Chris received a well-deserved [[Autism papers|time-out]] for [[Chris and anger|his antics]]. Fast-forward in [[2009]] when Chris, out of the blue decides to make peace. He went to her office and left her a [[:File:Apology to Mary Lee.jpg|"Framed Hand-Drawn Apology"]] on her doorstep.<ref>[[One Blessing, and One Curse|out of the blue]]</ref> Knowing Chris's attitude, she filled a trespassing notice. In pure [[autistic]] logic, Chris said that since he didn't read the letter and returned it to the sender, he's not liable.<ref>[[Mailbag 26]]</ref>

[[Mailbag 55]] posits a few more original laws: one, that it should be illegal for [[Jerks|men]] to ever show their [[Reldnahc|bare chest]] (because, according to Chris, no one in the entire world ever wants to see a man's bare chest, disregarding [[women]], [[Homos|gay men]] and boxing enthusiasts), and two he wants to [[Women's rights|force all women]] in any kind of relationship to wear rings, thus defeating all symbolism and significance of them.

Due to Chris being forced away from the Internet, Chris began to formulate a new law, the "Bill for Anti Online Bad-Mouthing," starting with his second [[Flipnote Hatena|Flipnote]], [[Don'tGetTrolled!]]. What this entails is unknown, but by the sounds if it, he wishes for a law where no one can ever speak up against anyone in a negative tone, thus allowing Chris to continue to have his e-peen stroked while the trolls can't touch him. While there have been laws that punish those that lead to others being harmed via the Internet, the Bill for Anti Online Bad-Mouthing is one of the most ridiculous ideas ever, as it leads to a complete and utter smashing of the [[Wikipedia:Bill of Rights|Bill of Rights]], specifically [[Wikipedia:Freedom of Speech|Freedom of Speech]].

TL;DR: Chris ignores the law when it's inconvenient, yet expects it to save the day when the [[Autism]] card doesn't work.

==In the comic==
Chris's understanding of the law in his comics goes so far as to been seen as a mixture of childish tendencies and, some might say, authoritarianism. In [[CWCville]], Chris has banned a number of things in his city. [[Tobacky|Smoking]] or drinking [[alcohol]] would lead one to be either sentenced to ten years in prison or a much more lenient US$1,500 fine (although, as [[CWCville]] uses C-Quarters and W-Quarters for currency, it's not clear why fines are levied in US dollars).<ref name="Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008">[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008]]</ref> Indeed, importing tobacco or alcohol is the most serious crime in the city, apparently receiving a greater punishment than murder or rape.<ref name="Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008"/> However, it should be noted that Chris [[Rollin' and Trollin'|repealed the law against alcohol]] in [[June 2009]].

The Rosechus tend to fight for [[women's rights]], that is to say, the ability to strip naked whenever and wherever they want to, not to mention the fact that full legal rights for women are already established across the US, suggesting that Chris has imposed discriminating laws against women in CWCville.

Chris has been seen as a do-nothing Mayor, preferring to have [[Allison Amber|his secretary]] do all the work (as per his thoughts on women) while he goes off on another one of his sweetheart searches. He has mandated "[[Dating Education]]" classes for students so that they can learn to go on dates, as well as how to "stay straight."

[[List_of_Sonichu_characters#Constables_Gerald_Grant_and_Louis_Perez|Actual police officers]] did not appear until [[Sonichu 10|quite late]] and even then, they did nothing whatsoever, giving the impression that Chris and his [[Pokémon]] abominations are the only thing standing between peace and eternal virgins with rage. However, [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu #9'']] seems to reveal that there are three sets of "other" protectors: a (possibly) nondescript police force (distinct from [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s [[jerkops]]), as well as his own team of [[Power Rangers]] and a team of [[Transformers]].

{{quote|Is CWCville under Martial Law?|[[Jack Thaddeus]] citing the truth as he sees it}}

It gets even scarier. In conversation with [[Jack Thaddeus]], he revealed that CWCville is the home of a paramilitary force equipped with tanks which he uses as a "Police Force", and all his [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]] enjoy immunity from prosecution and are above the law.<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]</ref> If we add all this to the fact that there are no free elections in CWCville, this shows us the city in the hands of an insane, tyrannical dictator running it with an iron fist, and backed with super-powered goons who are free to do any atrocity with impunity. According to Chris, [[Magi-Chan]] mentally scans the city perimeters for any sexual acts, and reports any [[homos|homosexual]] activity to the authorities. The participants are then "tried and fined HEAVILY; $500 or 50 Hours of Community Service."<ref>[[Mailbag 31#Magi-Chan knows when you fuck]]</ref> Apparently in CWCville, the [[Wikipedia:Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution]] does not apply in matters of personal sexual choice, and neither does the [[wikipedia:Lawrence v. Texas|U.S. Supreme Court ruling]] finding sodomy laws to be unconstitutional.

In a strange [[Chris and hypocrisy|set of double standards]], Chris has been shown to injure, kill, or damage people and property ''outside of CWCVille''. [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu #10'']] has shown no less than four grievous acts upon others: the destruction of the [[4-cent garbage]] building, the murder of over one hundred alleged "trolls" in said destruction, breaking and entering, and destroying Internet files and property. There was no evidence to suggest that this act of mass murder was even investigated by the authorities, and the comic portrays this act of [[terrorism]] as Chris heroically defeating a gang of criminals.

Following the death of [[Simonla]], the culprits ([[Alec]], [[Mao]], [[Sean]] and [[Evan]]) are subjected to a show trial, and given no defense attorney by the state (violating the [[Wikipedia:Sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Sixth Amendment]]) forcing Sean to act as their lawyer despite being [[Tobacky|high as a kite]]. There is no solid evidence presented for the murder charge, aside from the Voltorb remote (which the prosecutor never tried to prove belonged to them) and wholly unreliable "psychic evidence" extracted by Magi-Chan. When they're railroaded and found guilty, they're ''killed by the people they've wronged'' (read: murdered brutally by cartoon characters), in a gross violation of the [[Wikipedia:Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Eighth Amendment]] forbidding cruel and unusual punishment.

Demonstrating Chris's limited understanding of trials (as his knowledge of trials stems purely from television), the kangaroo court integrates both elements of civil and criminal trials. The Asperpedia Four are not only prosecuted for murder by a [[Marvey Blaziken|state attorney]], as per a criminal trial, but also charged with defamation of character, libel, and copyright infringement (as well as several charges such as "profanity to the max" that would hold no water in an actual court) by Chris and his cohorts, as per a civil trial. Surely enough, Chris, Sonichu, and Rosechu are sitting in a bench marked "PLAINTIF" [sic]. That both civil and criminal charges are included in one trial not only demonstrates a poor understanding of the courtroom process, but is further proof that Chris considers "slanderous mockeries" and other torts on par with major crimes such as murder and assault. To add to the equation, one cannot be given a death sentence (or any sentence, for that matter) for being guilty in a civil trial, but in the Asperpedia Four trial civil charges are the primary reason for the death sentence. In summary, the CWCville court system is a constitutional nightmare that violates multiple articles and amendments, and has no concept of due process. One must wonder why it is allowed to exist within the borders of the U.S.

tl;dr: Any semblance of law in CWCville exists solely to further the wishes of its tyrannical (and murderous) Mayor.

== Sources ==
<references />

==See also==
*[[Parody]]
*[[Jerkop]]
*[[Manajerk]]
*[[Chris and copyright]]

{{Chris and}}

Guitar Hero

2013-08-13T19:02:55Z

Dann Woolf: /* Delusion */

{{taxpayermoney}}

<center>{{#ev:youtube|gpDNSgu7NfM}}</center>

[[Image:Chrisguitarhero.png|thumb|Chris, as he imagines himself to look.]]
[[Image:CWCGitarPlaying.jpg|thumb|Chris, as he is in reality]]

'''''Guitar Hero''''' is a rhythm action video game where one uses a guitar-shaped controller to activate the notes of a song as they scroll down the screen, similar to ''Dance Dance Revolution'' and its dance pad controller.

==History==
Chris owns a ''Dance Dance Revolution'' set-up, as well as other popular music games like [[SingStar Challenge|''SingStar'']]. While ''DDR'' and even many Wii games would involve actual movement, possibly even vaguely resembling actual exercise, ''Guitar Hero'' remains the only game which [[Chris]] has mentioned using for exercise, despite the fact that ''DDR'' has an exercise mode. Specifically, Chris has stated several times that ''Guitar Hero'' is good for his health, because he has to stand up to play it.<ref>[[Mailbag 2#The Guitar Hero workout|Mailbag #2]]</ref> Because standing still and pressing buttons on a plastic guitar is far less strenuous than singing or jumping up and down on a dance pad or even waving [[Wii Remote of Fail|poorly painted controllers]] around, Chris has taken a particular liking to ''Guitar Hero'', and has made references to it several times throughout his many works.

Data from his [[PlayStation Network]] account reveals that Chris has spent nearly $500 downloading new songs to play in various ''Guitar Hero'' games. By comparison, he's spent a little more than $50 on downloads for its closest rival in the music game market, ''Rock Band''.

Chris appears to show some decent skill level in ''Guitar Hero'' games. Even when [[Asperchu|rivals]] poke fun at conspiracies behind mysterious orange notes (if you catch their drift), Chris has been able to survive songs on hard difficulty, as shown in the videos. Sneakily enough, he just says the expert difficulty "is good"<ref>[[Common Questions#07 January 2010|Common Questions, 7 January 2010]]</ref> — so far, we don't know if he ''routinely'' plays on expert or not.

==Delusion==
Here in the real world, people think ''Guitar Hero'' is the most awesome music game ever, one that really makes you feel like a rock star... until they ''play'' it, at which point they realize that they're mashing buttons on a plastic guitar. Actual guitarists have said that ''Guitar Hero'' doesn't help you learn to play guitar and have themselves struggled playing the game — they said they needed to first forget everything about how to play guitar. Even the most oblivious people should see that a guitar fretboard looks nothing like the guitar controller's buttons.

Chris, however, seems to believe that playing ''Guitar Hero'' is a feat on par with playing a real guitar. For example, in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris takes his PS3 and Gitar of Fail with him on his band tour. During [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], he also explains that [[Blanca]] plays the ''Guitar Hero'' for [[Jiggliami]]'s band, which implies that the band only performs covers of songs from the games. In the [[SingStar Challenge|''SingStar'' Challenge]], Chris specifically forbade the use of real instruments as well as ''Guitar Hero'' guitars. In what may be the most mind-blowing example yet, Chris dismissed a real, actual, non-video-game-controller guitar as a [[Katie Bay E-mails 3#31 July|"Wooden Nickel"]].

We can only wonder what ''exactly'' was going through his head when he shredded with mad apathy in [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero|the notorious music video]], and wonder whether or not he can tell his "guitar" doesn't actually make any sounds besides clacking of plastic in [[100 2266|"Don't Laugh at Me"]].

The ''Guitar Hero'' games, later entries in particular, base themselves around the idea that rock music can do anything, as seen in classic rock videos and album covers. Chris has seemingly taken inspiration from this for his comics, such as [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], where he uses the Power of Rock to demolish the [[4-cent_garbage.com]] building.

==Sonichu and Chris-chan in ''Guitar Hero World Tour''==

On 27 October [[2008]], Chris uploaded a video showing off the custom ''[[Sonichu]]'' crap that he added to the game. As in his [[Sonichu (comic)|comics]], he portrays himself as thin and fit. While this is partly due to the fact that that game doesn't have an "unpleasant, fat" character model, it would still be possible for Chris to give his in-game self some degree of huskiness if he had any sense of his personal appearance.

{{tinyquote|I've created the Sonichu Band Icon from scratch, as well as my Character and Guitar. Enjoy the further testaments of my capabilities and creativity in tune to Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker." Also, I am up in [[GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes|the "Auditions" on Gamestop.com]]; please Vote for [[:Image:CWCGUITARHERO.jpg|my Rockin' Picture]] to get me as a Playable Character with Sonichu & Rosechu in my Band in a Future Guitar Hero Game.|Original video description, 27 October 2008}}

==Bandmates==

[[Image:CWCRockin4Way.jpg|thumb|150px|Music is just another way to get [[china]] for Chris.]]
: ''See also: [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg]]''

Video games are no longer the passive form of entertainment they used to be — they're also a breeding ground for the creativity of the gamers. Like all enthusiastic gamers, Chris unleashes the full force of his creativity and puts a lot of thought into his video game play to get maximum satisfaction out of these games. Unfortunately, this is obviously not going to work as well as it does for some other, more gifted people.

''Guitar Hero'' games allow a great degree of fun but ultimately useless fiddling that doesn't actually help the game, such as creating virtual band members. In yet another feeble attempt to prove he's not a [[homo]], Chris's bandmates are all women, because what [[Gal-pal|girl]] wouldn't want to jam with the [[Autism|artistic]] genius that is CWC? He also picked some very odd names for these characters, with the [[Niggos|black one]] oddly getting a [[Jew]]ish surname.

{{-}}

<center><gallery>
Image:ZuriAlryte.jpg|'''Zuri Alryte''': She ''may'' have a charming personality, but until she ''shows'' it, people will only remember the [[duck|waterfowl]]-up-the-skirt picture.
Image:KieraBei.jpg|'''Kiera Bei''': No doubt a lady of diverse emotions, ''all of them'' expressed ''at the same time'' on her face.
Image:JodyZimmerman.jpg|'''Jody Zimmerman''': Without the Rule 34 pic, we'd have no idea if she was even really a woman.
</gallery></center>

Though this might not seem too ridiculous at first glance, two facts make it worse. First, the first we heard of these bandmates was through a leaked Rule 34 picture. Among fiction writers, blatantly pornographic imagery is hardly considered the best way to introduce new characters to the world (though some may argue it's probably the most profitable). Chris drew himself having sex with these virtual women, and proceeded to make a [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 10th, 2009|video]] about it, announcing it as a testament to his straightness.

Secondly, he seems to be a little bit too preoccupied with the idea, to the point that people are starting to think he ''really believes'' he bonked these nonexistent chicks.

{{quote|Would I be having sex with THREE WOMEN?!|Chris, [[Chris and reality|forgetting ''Guitar Hero'' is a video game and those women are fictional]]}}

==See also==

*[[Gitar of Fail]]
*[[GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes]]

== Sources ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://hub.guitarhero.com/profile-display?id=1588 His ''Guitar Hero'' stats.]

[[Category:Video Games]]

Creepy stare

2013-08-11T22:01:46Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:139-CWCsDarkGlare.jpg|thumb|He thinks it's cool]]

{{Quote|Q: What would you say is the most romantic thing you have ever done with or to a woman?|Anonymous, [[Common Questions]].}}

{{Quote|[[Virgin with rage|Sensual, emotionally-linked eye-contact.]]|[[Chris]], in answer to the above.}}

[[Chris]] seems to employ multiple '''stares''', all trying to project a different emotion and all nearly identical to each other, a la Derek Zoolander. He has used them to display anger, frustration, romantic interest, or sometimes an intentional lack of emotion, almost like an autistic variant of a poker face. Like many of Chris's strange [[Chris's mannerisms|mannerisms]], this is likely linked to his [[autism]]; autistics tend to have difficulty understanding and expressing the kind of non-verbal social cues that are second nature to most people.

Chris may think that his stare is a sexy and seductive gaze or an intimidating glare that will force his adversaries into submission, but to ordinary observers, it invariably comes across as creepy or out-of-place.

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:Creepy-Stare3.jpg|Stare variant #35.
Image:Creepy-Stare5.jpg|This is what you see when you die.
Image:Creepy-Stare1.jpg|He can see into your soul.
Image:0694-AnnaBD8.JPG|You just know he's planning [[Rape|something]] based on that expression.
Image:0695-AnnaBD9.JPG|This photo almost makes you feel sorry for [[Anna McLerran|that bitch]]...
Image:0043-YoungChristopher2.jpg|Learning at an [[1980s|early age]].
File:0044-YoungChristopher1.jpg|They laughed at my autism; I laughed at their funerals.
File:ModNation Racers 110.JPG|He even incorporates it into [[video games]].
Image:0777-CWConbed.JPG|Possibly the most frightening [[Nudes|clothed]] image of Chris.
Image:Whatthefuckiswithhisrighteye.jpg|Srsly, what the fuck is with his right eye?
Image:Csof111.JPG|The emotion he's trying to convey here is "[[Chris and anger|anger]]"
Image:295.jpg|Are those a pair of bongos?
Image:Chris2.jpg|For some strange reason or another, Chris thinks his gaze is sensual.
Image:Cwc_csof.JPG|Dude...I can feel the cosmos...
Image:1240785819569.jpg|BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU.
Image:Creepychris.jpg|CHIIIIIIINNNAAAAAAA...
File:CWCstare1.png|[[Sonichu 10|OBJECTION!]]
File:Creepy-Stare6.jpg|In the dark...
File:0476-CWC18th7.jpg|Chris as he's about to molest his birthday presents.
File:Strangle that Frieza.JPG|An angry man.
File:Myspace.jpg|The stare has the power to shine in even the [[Chris's room|darkest caves]].
File:CreepyBobAndChris.JPG|[[Bob]] can do it too!
File:0028-ChristopherWMom1.jpg| ...So can [[Barb]]!
File:Creepy boat.jpg|[[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD]] (after [[Lars' Ship has Sunk.MOV|sinking your boat]]).
File:AHikeStare.jpg|He can do it while driving, too!
File:Chris_in_his_Escort_creepy_smile.jpg|Somehow the smile makes it worse.
File:100 2299.JPG|Why, Chris? Why?
File:Rapey Stare.jpg|Ummm...
File:Miss duh dadline.jpg|If you ever miss duh dadline , I'll know... because I'm always watching you.
</gallery></center>

==See also==
*[[Pedo-Glasses]]
*[[Claw of Fail]]

==External links==

*[http://cwcstare.ytmnd.com/ Chris-chan stares into your soul.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sB0KPHqjwZw Tribute to the creepy stare.]

{{Mannerisms}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Creepy stare}}
[[Category:Mannerisms]]

2013

2013-08-07T20:54:21Z

Dann Woolf:

[[File:Facebook1.jpg|thumb|In '''2013''', Chris mourned his expulsion from [[The GAMe PLACe|Heaven]].]]
'''2013''' is the fifth year of organized trolling since Chris's discovery. However, like the [[2011|two]] [[2012|years]] before it, it began with nothing of note, ever since Chris began [[This is how the Trial went|serving out his sentence.]] It remains to be seen if this ordeal ''(which ended in July)'' will finally knock some sense into him, though judging from [[Red_Letter_CWC_Certified_Day|past experiences]], it seems pretty unlikely.

However, this year is still notable as being the year where Chris' ego would cause him to become alienated with the few people he has left as "friends" ''(namely, Anna and the congregation of his church)''. It even caused him to get chastised for his attention-whoring by a well-known voice actress from [[My Little Pony]] in April. With the death of Bob a couple of years ago and his once-enablers getting tired of his antics, Chris is headed down a road that many have tried and failed to warn him about - one where the number of people willing to tolerate him are getting fewer and fewer.

In May, an [http://imgur.com/a/1HYJJ Imgur account] of all of the Facebook posts made by Chris between 2012 and 2013 was revealed by Chris, shedding some light on what happened during Chris's radio silence since [[Bob_Chandler#Later_life_and_poor_health|the death of his father earlier in 2011]].

==January==
[[File:Mcdonalds.jpg|thumb|January sighting]]
*11 January 2013 - Chris changes his [[Facebook]] [[:File:Facebook1.jpg|picture]] [[:File:Facebook2.jpg|twice]] in one day.
*29 January 2013- Chris is spotted at local McDonald's.

==February==
*24 February 2013 - Chris [[Chris's birthday|turns 31]]

==March==
[[File:Chris march2013.jpg|thumb|Chris in March]]
*8 March 2013 - A photo of Chris in his tomgirl attire is featured on the fourth episode of [[Chris in the media#Failosophy|MTV's ''Failosophy'']].
*9 March 2013 - Chris goes to [http://madicon.org/ Madicon] held this year in Harrisonburg, VA. He's spotted by one of trolls, however no pictures are taken. On Facebook, he [[Facebook#Sonichu is not dead|insists]] that the ''Sonichu'' comic is not dead, despite two years without updates. He also [[:File:Failosophy.PNG|discovers]] that he was on MTV the previous day.
*28 March 2013 - Chris posts a public [[Facebook#Gay Marriage |Facebook message]] whining about repeat media coverage of the Supreme Court's [[:wikipedia:Hollingsworth v. Perry|Proposition 8]] and [[:wikipedia:United States v. Windsor|DOMA]] deliberations.
*30 March 2013 - An [[Other documents#Epistle to the Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|epistle]] from Chris to his [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] is leaked on the CWCki forums. In the document Chris announces that he will be no longer going to church for a period of time. Details about the deterioration of Chris's relationships with his fellow parishioners and church staff are also revealed.

==April==
[[File:Haters to the left.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Chris in April 2013.]]
*4 April 2013 - Chris posts a [[Facebook#Game Place|a new Facebook note]], in which he says he has no more interest in the [[The GAMe PLACe]].
*20 April 2013 - Chris uploads two new Facebook pictures. One of them depicts him holding a sign that reads "Haters to the Left," and points to the viewer's right in typical Chris fashion, while the other one shows him holding a different sign that declares him "[his] own free [[Homos|bitch]]."
*29 April 2013 - Chris posts two [[Facebook]] notes. In the [[Facebook#Sega Mascot Contest |first one]] he expresses his outrage at the news of Sega planning to replace [[Sonic]] as their mascot, not realizing that the news story he is responding to is a fictional one posted on a parody website. In the [[Facebook#"The Trolls Who Cry Woman"|second note]] he bemoans of how he has been trolled in the past by people pretending to be women.

==May==
[[File:Chris facebook pic 5-29-13.jpg|thumb|Chris in May 2013.]]
*4 May 2013- Somebody named [[Anna|"mormonjesus"]] drops in IRC what seems to be [[Emails#2013|email]] Chris sent to [[Kim]] on 1 May.
*6 May 2013 - More [http://www.mediafire.com/view/?y1pp1lop9wx6hdv emails between Chris and Jackie] are leaked on the CWCki forums.
*19 May 2013 - The [[Maggie Thomas call]] which was made in [[September 2009]] was leaked by whispsonichu on the [[CWCki Forums]].
*21 May 2013 - Chris posts up pictures of his iPhone and his broken iPod on his Facebook account, complete with a custom made duct-tape folder for them.
*21 May 2013 - Chris unveils his latest creation, the [[Idea Book Case|iDea Book Case]], via Facebook.
*26 May 2013 - [http://imgur.com/a/1HYJJ An Imgur account] of Chris's formerly hidden Facebook status updates is revealed....by Chris himself.
*29 May 2013 - Chris changes his Facebook profile picture to one featuring the return of the [[Parappa the Rapper|Parappa]] hat.
*30 May 2013 - Chris makes a new [[Facebook]] post, laments that he had more freedom when his father was still alive, and goes onto complain about how he has to take time out of his day to "serve and protect" [[Barb|his mother]].
*31 May 2013 - The Nintendo-run website [[Flipnote Hatena]] shuts down. All flipnotes, including Chris's are no longer able to be shown. A troll let this site know a couple months earlier in order to save Chris's [[art]].

==June==
*6 June 2013 - Chris starts playing Toro's Friend Network and the game is linked to [[Facebook]].
*7 June 2013 - Chris has made 20 friends in Toro's Friend Network according to his [[Facebook]] post. [http://i.imgur.com/EARZYtF.png (Link)]
*9 June 2013 -[[Anna]] posted on [[Facebook]] to Chris that she re-watched his [[DVD of Fail|DVD]] with her married friend. [http://i.imgur.com/lgxayJp.png (Link)]
*9 June 2013 - An [[Jackie E-mails 31|e-mail from Chris to Jackie]] on 7 [[September 2011]] was leaked on the [[CWCki Forums]], where Chris talked about his dream that according to the Grim Reaper, his [[Bob Chandler|father]]'s soul would not be claimed until the year 2015.
*11 June 2013 - Chris has made 30 friends in Toro's Friend Network according to his [[Facebook]] post. [http://i.imgur.com/1iFbV78.png (Link)]
*12 June 2013 - Chris has made 50 friends in Toro's Friend Network according to his [[Facebook]] post. [http://i.imgur.com/LAKqMX0.png (Link)] He is also earning #mPOINTS Rewards in Crackle. [http://i.imgur.com/tTcpJFF.png (Link)]
*13 June 2013 - Chris liked two videos: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Oa8Nd6H0pU "I Heard the Dog Bark" by Sesame Street] and [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlinLHR2yl4 My Little Pony Equestria Girls Official Trailer 2] on [[YouTube]] despite he once made a [[Facebook#THEY_ARE_NOT_SERIOUS.21.21.21|Facebook post raging about the Equestria Girls movie a few days ago]]. [http://i.imgur.com/kABCrhy.png (Link)] On the same day, [[Anna]] posts to her friends, including Chris to all go to Disneyland together. [http://i.imgur.com/5AQNS4V.png (Link)]
*16 June 2013 - A picture of [[Son-Chu]] which is photographed on Google Street View in [[June 2011]] is leaked on the [[CWCki Forums]].
*17 June 2013 - Chris posts another Facebook post that [[Facebook#I_am_feeling_very_lonely_again|he is lonely again.]]
*20 June 2013 - A video of [[14 Branchland Court|Chris's house]] on 8 June 2013 is leaked on the [[CWCki Forums]].
*20 and 21 June 2013 - Hidden [[Twitter]] posts from 16 [[April 2012]] to 21 June 2013, which most of them are linked to the [[Facebook]] [[2013 Imgur Leak]] and pictures from 20 June 2013 are leaked on the [[CWCki Forums]].
*22 June 2013 - Chris posts on [[Facebook#Too_many_Trolls_and_Bad_People_in_the_world|Facebook]] that "there are too many [[Trolls]] and Bad People in the world hiding behind the [[Internet]] constantly".
*24 June 2013 - Mary McLerran, relative of [[Anna McLerran|Anna]], posts to Chris on [[Facebook]] that she is sending him good energy. [http://i.imgur.com/LAZA08q.png (Link)]
*27 June 2013 - Chris makes a [[Facebook#A_skunk|Facebook]] post about a skunk.
*29 June 2013 - Chris complains to [[Cole Smithey]] on [[Twitter]].

==July==
[[File:ChrisHowGoodLookingAmI.jpg|thumb|Chris in July 2013.]]
*7 July 2013 - Chris posts on [[Facebook#Ruckersville|Facebook]] about [[Ruckersville]]. On the same day, Chris liked the full movie of Equestria Girls on YouTube.
*10 July 2013 - Chris's year-long probation, [[28 October 2011|passed down by the court]], ended.
*14 July 2013 - Chris posts on [[Facebook#Very_Depressed.|Facebook]] that he is depressed and needs real compassion from women.
*18 July 2013 - Chris posts on [[Facebook#Don.27t_call_me_a_wet_blanket.|Facebook]] that he doesn't want people to call him a wet blanket.
*20 July 2013 - Chris posts on [[Facebook#Spring_Brakers|Facebook]] about ''[[Vanessa Hudgens|Spring Breakers]]'', bizarrely comparing it to [[My Little Pony]] and his life.
*22 July 2013 - Chris uploads a picture on [[Facebook#Stupid_Question.|Facebook]] and asks how good looking/attractive he is. He claims that he now weighs 220 pounds. On the same day, Chris shares a "Britney Spears - Ooh La La (From The Smurfs 2)" video. On the same day, Chris uploads a screenshot from the [[CWCki Forums]] on [[Facebook#The_results|Facebook]] about the results of the poll.
*24 July 2013 - Chris shared a Crackle page on [[Facebook]]. On the same day, Mary McLerran posts on [[Facebook#I.27m_sending_you_love.2C_too|Facebook]] that she loves the hand shape on Chris's profile picture.

==August==
*3 August 2013 - William Elliott Waterman posts to Chris on [[Facebook#You.27re_a_real_nice_guy.2C_Chris|Facebook]].
*5 August 2013 - Chris posts some photos of his high school [[LEGO]] set on [[Facebook#LEGO_High_School|Facebook]].
*6 August 2013 - Chris shared some links of LEGO Heartlake High on [[Facebook#Heartlake_High|Facebook]]. On the same day, Chris posted on [[Facebook#One_of_my_pups_just_peed|Facebook]] that one of his [[Clover_and_Snoopy|pups]] just peed.

==September==
*6 September 2013 - The second anniversary of [[Bob Chandler|Bob's]] death from heart failure.

==October==
*1 October 2013 - [[Barbara]]'s 72nd birthday.
*31 October 2013 - [[Halloween]].
==December==
*25 December 2013 - [[Christmas]].

== Sources ==
<references/>

{{Timeline}}
[[Category:Chronology]]

Chris and English

2013-08-05T09:29:56Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:Writing_guide.PNG|thumb|right|Chris has no idea what this is...]]
[[Image:Englishfordummies.jpg|thumb|right|...nor this.]]

{{quote|I No Socialize Online.|Chris's strangely appropriate [[PS3|PSN]] comment.}}

[[Chris]]'s '''[[Wikipedia:English language|English]] skills''', like most other things related to Chris, leave much to be desired. Much of this can be attributed to his [[autism]], which often results in awkward speech patterns.<ref>[http://www.teacch.com/info_primer.html]</ref> He spent years of his childhood mute, and took speech therapy classes at [[James Madison University]]. Strangely, his grasp of English actually appears to have grown weaker as he's become older. This is presumably due to his increased isolation.

==CWC-isms==
Chris has a tendency to make up his own words for things, then use them with reckless abandon while assuming whoever is reading will be able to understand [[autism|exactly what he means]]. As such, we get terms like "B-dog" and "[[noviophobia]]". He also tends to appropriate existing words, giving them new meanings based entirely on his own skewed logic. This is why, in Chris-speak, [[Semen|comeuppance]] isn't a fitting outcome for someone's deeds, and [[china]] isn't an [[Punchy Sonichu|Asian]] nation.

In the case of words like the definite article "da", Chris might be trying to make a pass at using slang to sound casual and relaxed, but instead, he ends up sounding like a marketing executive grasping desperately for credibility. Other famous [[CWC-isms]] like "[[tobacky]]", "[[niggos]]" and "[[gaybian]]" are the result of a different problem altogether: Chris is a manchild who can't even say out loud the names of objects or concepts which he finds repulsive. The use of these terms is a prime example of his immaturity.

These CWC-isms combine with his [[Speech impediment|existing speech problems]] and his accent to form an unholy trifecta that defines his speech. With the constant stream of half words and repetition, it is sometimes difficult to understand what exactly he is talking about.. Any resemblance to actual English is tenuous at best, the words he uses are English but the structure is far from proper. The fact that his vocabulary is a bit lacking only compounds the situation.

{{quote|if I could have it my way, I'd make it [[Chris and reality|illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe]]. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [''sic''] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls"|Chris, [[IRC (02 January 2009)]]}}

As you can see in the above quote, this abuse of language isn't limited to just the commonplace CWC-isms we've come to know and tolerate. "Instinctions" is a word Chris made up for this passage to sound fancy and smart, which only makes him look like he doesn't know the word "instances". Playing fast and loose with language just further decreases the impact of whatever Chris is trying to say. Also of note is that Chris wants to make it illegal to use a word a certain way, which is [[Chris and hypocrisy|hypocritical]], and — quite frankly — creepy.

His own lexicon, like many other aspects of his personality, demonstrates exactly [[Chris and his Ego|how self-centered he is]]. While the whole purpose of language is to express thoughts and ideas to other people, he has managed to turn vocabulary into a brick wall, by crafting a mashed-together lexicon that makes sense only to him.

==Written language==
Chris's writing is a complete mess from top to bottom, to put it lightly.

For starters, he doesn't understand basic syntax and semantics: he uses words in the wrong context, or as incorrect parts of speech, and his grammar is abhorrent. For example, he refers to [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|finger-banging]] as "outtercourse",<ref>[[Megan Emails, 2008#Chris thinks she was scarred because she doesn't know much about sex]]</ref> which incorrectly replaces the supposed prefix ''in-'' — which leaves ''tercourse'', which is not a word at all — while the correct prefix is ''inter-'', meaning "between". (Incidentally, "outercourse" is an actual colloquialism meaning [[wikipedia:Non-penetrative sex|dry-humping]], not fingering.) Similarly, [[Mailbag 52|the infamous stock reply used to address Mailbag entries]] includes "inputed" as the past participle of ''input''; the correct word is either ''input'' or ''inputted''.<ref>[[wiktionary:input]]</ref>

Chris misuses punctuation in many ways, often with, albeit unintentional, comedic results. In particular, he tends to add hyphens where they aren't needed, such as in his stock phrase "[[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]". Clearly he means that he wants to create a relationship from the "ground up", from a blank slate, from the simplest of beginnings. A literal interpretation, though, means he wants to create a girlfriend from something that's been ground up — ground chuck, ground pepper, what-have-you.

In addition, he is obviously afraid that whatever he's feeling won't be adequately conveyed through his words, and tries to make up for this by relying on repetition and a distinctive [[BILLY MAYS|ALL CAPS]] style, which could be compared to many comic books and graphic novels. For similar reasons, he tends to Capitalize Words At Random, Especially nouns and those which hold Importance to the Sentence, or the ones that address Important Abstract Concepts that Chris tries to Systematically Understand on account of finding them too Complex and Mystifying.

{{quote|And the ONLY REASON I have not had sex yet in my lifetime WITH A WOMAN yet, is because the WHOLE TIME, I have been SHY; kept down with the Personal Fear of nearly EVERY Woman I see being Already Paired-Up with a Boyfriend.|Chris proving that he never proofreads. From the CWCipedia article on [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Homosexuality homosexuality].}}

Beyond these basic issues of grammar and capitalization, Chris's writings often lack focus. Much like any six-year-old with ADD, he has trouble concentrating on a single topic for extended periods of time, and he instead veers off topic in order to babble about [[Random Access Humor|whatever is on his mind]]. This practice of writing stream-of-consciousness style, combined with his obvious disinterest in proofreading or otherwise checking over what he's written, inevitably results in a large number of confusing run-on sentences. A single sentence might cover multiple topics, often ones that don't have anything to do with the original subject matter. It gives his writing a rambling, disjointed feeling, and makes it very difficult to understand exactly what his point is. Related is his overuse of semicolons, which are usually used to connect two clauses together without a conjunction, but Chris uses to crudely string together two tangentially-related thoughts into a barely coherent sentence. Chris even uses the semicolon in dialogue where it would normally be considered improper.

{{quote|...while the Movie Women are "Just Characters", [[Rosechu]] is playing as her own "Character" as well. Also, there is MORE THAN ONE Rosechu; Why do you think I've dubbed them respectively "[[Bubbles Rosechu]]", "[[Angelica Rosechu]]", and recently introduced, "[[Lolisa Rosechu]]", of whom her Boyfriend, "[[Jamsta Sonichu]]", was the one who Interviewed [[Blanca]] and her [[Jiggliami]] on Radio Station, [[KCWC]].|Chris, somehow jumping from [[White knight e-mails#September 2008 — Chris denies being fat and sexist|movies not being reality]] to his [[KCWC|imaginary radio station]].}}

It doesn't help that Chris feels it's his obligation to be "[[Honest Content|honest]]", which means that he feels the need to mention irrelevant little details, as anything less would not mean he's not telling the whole truth.

===Spelling===
[[Image:Schu7_Pg1_MeganEdit.JPG|thumb|right|Chris had a chance to correct this spelling mistake during a [[retcon]] of [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], but instead proved he can't spell for shit.]]

One will notice with all the "''sic''" scattered around the CWCki, that Chris has trouble with simple spelling. Despite all the other problems with Chris's writing, his poor spelling somehow manages to stand out. He seems to have trouble with switching "eni" for "ein", as in "[[seinor prom|seinor]]" (senior) and "geinus" ([[Sonichu 1|genius]]). Sometimes, he seems to spell words phonetically like a grade-school child learning how to read, such as "characiture" (caricature), rather than taking a few seconds to spell-check them in any of the dozens of programs available that would automatically correct his spelling. To put the icing on the cake, he writes "rest assured" as "[[Twitter#17_July_2010|rest-assured]]" as if it were a hyphenated phrase and not an imperative statement.

It was only relatively recently discovered that the term [[Anchuent Prophecy|"Anchuent"]] is supposed to be a pun, and not just another one of Chris's random acts of butchery of the English language — or even a typo resulting from "u" and "i" being adjacent on the QWERTY keyboard. This largely goes to show that Chris's inability to spell correctly is so persistent that when he ''deliberately'' misspells something, it goes completely unnoticed for ''years''.

===Typos===
[[Image:Sonichu_Typos.jpg|thumb|left|More perfect spelling from mister Chandler.]]

The spelling problem is only compounded by Chris's constant typos. The very first page of the comic contains the word [[Sonichu 0|"mies"]] in place of "miles". And even when he edits pages that contain these mistakes and has a chance to fix them, he still manages to overlook his errors the second time around, like [[Sonichu 7|"dood"]] instead of "good" in issue seven.

The fact that these typos exists only goes to prove that [[ego|Chris does not bother to proofread his works even a single time after completion]] and prior to uploading them to the internet. And assuming that he has to read his own comic sooner or later, and that someone '''must''' have drawn his attention to these mistakes at some point, the only logical conclusion is that Chris can not be asked to go back and fix these typos even when he is aware of them.

===Definitions and Vocabulary===
Chris has a very bad habit of not knowing what the fuck he's talking about, and vocabulary is one of them. Chris still believes the word [[Naïve|Naïve]] means stupid, and thus hates being called it. Naïve, in simple terms, means "ignorance or gullibility because of a lack of experience". Chris is the definition of this because he doesn't do anything, and because of that he's gullible and ignorant. Another word Chris throws around is slander. Chris constantly calls his [[ED]] page and [[CWCki]] slanderous. Slander is defamation. Defamation is the destruction of reputation or character through manipulation and lies of video, photographic, and audio evidence. Libel is like slander, but is defamation through writing. There's two things wrong with Chris' use of slander. His ED page and CWCki is more written than video, photographs and audio, so if it was anything it would be libel. The other is that ED and CWCki isn't slander or libel, because nothing is manipulated and everything on them is true, and backed up with physical evidence, provided by him.

Related to choice of vocabulary, Chris has an issue with using terms that, while technically meaning similar things, have different tones. This is perhaps most evident in [[Sonichu 10]], where Chris uses the term "bearing false witness" multiple times. In the context Chris uses the term, he's simply using it as an alternate way of saying "lying" or "misrepresenting", as the Biblical term is often simplified when explaining the ten commandments to children. Chris fails to realize that the term is more or less exclusively associated with the Bible and using it when discussing himself makes the characters sound like they're referring to Chris as their god, with all the unfortunate implications. Likewise, the Asperchu characters claim to have been forced to "make a false idol of the brown-shirted one" even though in Asperchu, the protagonists merely respect their creator, rather then worship him. Again, the use of Biblical terminology makes the whole thing seem even more narcissistic.

===Repetition===
Chris frequently repeats himself verbatim. This is most apparent in his [[Attraction Sign]] but has cropped up in numerous other places. He frequently describes his ideal girl as a "[[boyfriend-free girl]] to make into a [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]." This rather clunky phrasing is repeated in almost every iteration of the sign, both online and off. He asserts that his idea of "[[Dating Education|Date ed]]" sounds "[[Sonichu 9|dated]]" on several occasions, and has repeatedly blamed the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]] for his woes. This repetition is not limited to his written communication; for example, he has often described his [[Bob Chandler|father]] as "starting more arguments than flies in a garbage dump," most recently in his [[Father Call|phone conversation with Kacey's father]].

Clearly, something about these exact phrases causes Chris to reuse them over and over, verbatim, when describing the same problem in different conversations and contexts. It's tempting to just blame his [[autism]] for this repetition, which is likely a factor; however, much like his life in general, not all of his failures at communication can be laid at the door of his autism — other possibilities include that:
* Chris struggles to form sentences, and when he does so successfully, he tends to reuse what he knows is a working formula.
* Chris thinks his peculiar constructions are [[Random-access humor|funny]] and uses them to get a laugh, much like his [[Christian's sex joke|one joke]].
* Chris is so lazy that he literally copy/pastes text (or simply copies in the case of non-digital media) from his earlier screeds and manifestos into his new ones.
* Chris is simply so [[Things Chris has ripped off|terminally unimaginative]] that he cannot think of more than one way to express a given idea.
Given what we know about Chris, any or all of the above are possibilities. A large number of the phrases that are collectively known as "[[CWC-isms]]" follow the above pattern.

====Piecemeal language use====
Chris's phrase usage is a deep-seated issue, to the point that it's almost possible to imagine that he copies his phrases from ''somewhere'', even when he hasn't used the phrase previously. People usually learn idioms from other people when they hear them in an appropriate context, but though Chris may experience such a context, he has problems fully understanding the meaning of the phrase. Like most of us, he has obviously learned some phrases from the world around him, and he ''sort-of'' understands what they mean and ''sort of'' uses them in correct context. Despite this, it's as if he just learned the phrases, and, like some foreign English student, is making the first awkward steps towards using them properly. Unlike those curious foreigners, however, Chris isn't worried about getting punched in the face by the natives for abusing beloved idioms.

To an outside observer, many of Chris's phrases almost always appear out of place and tacked-on. This can manifest itself in even very small examples, such as in the video title "[[New Address]]"; the video isn't about any sort of an address change, as the phrase was intended to imply, but rather is an ''address'' to a specific individual, and is ''newly released''. It is akin to a foreigner opening a phrase book, finding the entry "New Address", and saying "OK, that's probably close enough - it's got 'new' and 'address' in it."

For more blatant examples, in the [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails]], Chris continually demands "Legal, Unmark[ed], Non-consecutive" bills to be mailed to him. He probably thinks it's the sort of thing people ''generally'' say when they want cash mailed to them, without realizing that he has picked this expression up from crime fiction where that kind of phrase is said as part of a ransom demand. Also, when listing a hunk-of-shit TV on [[Craigslist]], he demands "CASH ONLY, And Up-Front. $250 or better offer; NO HAGGLE." which doesn't apply at all to something like an old TV, and directly contradicts his very own offer. "No haggle" or a "better offer"; it's clear he has no clue what "haggle" really even means. He most likely picked up the jargon from other entries on the site.<ref>See, for example, the note in ''The Big Lebowski'': "WE HAVE BUNNY. GATHER ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED NON-CONSECUTIVE TWENTIES. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS. NO FUNNY STUFF."</ref>

==Semantics==
As demonstrated in CWC-isms above, Chris has severe problems understanding the meanings of words (he described the word "benevolent" as sounding "derogatory"<ref>[[Mailbag 5|Mailbag #5]]</ref> — he might have mixed it up with "belligerent", which means "war-like", or "malevolent", an antonym of "benevolent"), and just about anything even marginally abstract or metaphorical. A Facebook status reveals that, through unknown means, he has come to believe that "empirical" means "rejecting scientific methods of knowing," which is as nearly opposite to the word's meaning as one can get. (Since his source for this is listed as Jeremy Hilary Boob, Ph.D., a character in Yellow Submarine, perhaps this odd idea came from content in the Beatles edition of Rock Band.)

===Muddled-up Proverbs===
A good demonstration of Chris's lack of understanding of semantics is the fact that he doesn't really understand proverbs and adages; he frequently recites them incorrectly, clearly misses the point, or [[Autism|takes them literally]]. When he comes up with his own, he doesn't exactly try to veil any wisdom in carefully crafted phrases.

Examples of Chrisverbial Wisdom:

* "Those who are unable to, teach."<ref>[[Mumble 4|Mumble #4]]</ref>
* "The shaped OBJECT is the BODY of the Item, but the STICKER is the Item's SOUL."<ref>[[Download For Play Only]]</ref>
* "A sound thought is a good thought, unless it is a bad idea."<ref>[[CWCipedia]]</ref>
* "The pen is mightier than the sword, yet it is more permanent than a pencil."<ref>[[CWCipedia]]</ref>

The last example illustrates several problems: "The pen is mightier than the sword" (a phrase originally coined by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the man who also coined the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night") is, of course, generally regarded as a statement that words can have bigger consequences than violence. Chris doesn't understand this, and tries to somehow interpret this concretely: "pen is more permanent than a pencil." It is also problematic because normally, "A, yet B" is usually a statement by ''contrasts'': "A may be true, but a contrary example B is true as well." Still, Chris fails at explaining why it's so important that pens are more permanent than pencils, and what that has to do with pens and their relative might vis-a-vis swords — the meaning of Chris's proverb remains unclear. He cannot even create simple proverbs like
* "One who has his dick in the peanut butter jar is fucking nuts."

===Literal Interpretation===
Chris is unable to interpret the language other people use at any level other than its literal, surface meaning. He misses the deeper meanings of what others are trying to say to him, and cannot interpret abstract thought or sarcasm. This is known as concrete thought, which can be seen as a symptom of autism.

====Rhetorical comparisons and sarcasm====
Chris cannot interpret rhetorical comparisons. He ignores the point the speaker is trying to make and focuses on the 'exact' meaning of the phrases they use. Examples:<ref>[[Father Call]]</ref>

: '''Kacey's Father:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.
: '''Chris:''' Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!
: …
: '''Kacey's Father:''' I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a Windows is.
: '''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?
: '''Kacey's Father:''' Don't… Don't patronize me.
: '''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?
: '''Kacey's Father:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that.

In the first example, Chris clearly only hears "You[…] stuff candy down your throat" and interprets the negative tone as an accusation that this is a bad thing, then tries to prove that he does not, in fact, stuff ''candy'' down his throat — just good stuff like vegetables. Because he's threatened, he forgets that this is used as a ''rhetorical comparison'', and thus the original point that the Dad here was trying to make gets lost in sands of time. This is also one of the reasons why conversations with Chris sometimes branch out, lead nowhere, and cause frustration and tears (and tears of mirth for everyone but the two people who are conversing at the time).

As the quote read in the [[04232010 - Autism Awareness & Men Should NEVER be Topless|Autism Awareness]] video says, autistic people are frequently unable to interpret sarcasm. This is no exception for Chris, who has often been unable to pick up sarcastic comments, as seen in the Guru Larry interview.<ref>[[Chris-chan Discusses...]]</ref>

====Questions and suggestions====
Chris's literal interpretation also affects how he answers questions and follows orders or suggestions. He fails to elaborate any of his answers, and cannot distinguish the implied meanings within the commands and suggestions given to him from their literal meanings. For example:<ref>[[Mailbag 2#In-depth answers|Mailbag #2]]</ref>

: '''Q:''' Do you listen to any music while you draw the comics?
: '''A:''' Yes.

To a normal person, the question that was posed would be interpreted along the lines of "What kind of music — what bands, what musical genres — do you listen while you draw the comics, assuming you listen music at all while drawing the comics? If you listen to the music, why does this particular music help you draw things? If not, do you find music distracting, and why?" but instead, Chris interpreted "Do you listen to any music?" literally as a question that can be answered "yes" or "no". Simply put, he is unable to see ''why'' people are asking specific questions that can be answered yes or no, and unable to elaborate or give rationales for his opinions unless those things are ''specifically'' asked from him. Again, this characteristic is due to his autism, not, as is often perceived, his stupidity.

Another example:<ref>[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8|Alec Benson Leary Phone Call #8]]</ref>
: '''Alec:''' Please stop running away from me.
: '''Chris:''' I'm not running away from you, I'm right here.

This was in response to Chris trying to end the call after an inconvenient discussion.

This also is likely to blame for Chris's second encounter with [[B-Manajerk]]. The previous day, the manager of the [[Wal-Mart]] had banned him from the store. Problem is, they were inside a [[McDonald's]] at the time, and he likely said something along the lines of "Never come to this store again." Chris took this to mean "You are banned from this specific store, the one you and I are standing in right now," and due to this misunderstanding he wound up being chased out of the Wal-Mart.

===Television jargon===
In the ''Sonichu'' comic, Chris also almost consistently uses television terminology instead of comics terminology. This seems to seep into his other language use, too — he urges people to "stay tuned" to see new developments in his [[YouTube]] channel, for example. This may seem innocuous at first, as regular people might use "stay tuned" in non-TV situations (and for cable/satellite TV stations, which do not have a transmission frequency), but in Chris's case, this may be an indication of a bigger issue. Chris refers to himself as "Great Director Chandler"<ref>[[Mailbag 34#...Well, this is disturbing!|Mailbag #34, to Evan]]</ref> (itself a ripoff of [[Excel Saga|Great Director Watanabe]]) and calls alternate versions of his comics "director's cuts".<ref>[[Quizzes#Sonichu Quiz 2|''Sonichu'' Quiz #2]]</ref> [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] begins with "Previously..." type of recap of the end of the previous comic. When talking about the comic, he consistently refers to "episodes" rather than chapters. He has used "TV-MA/TV-14/TV-Y7" ratings for certain scenes<ref>[[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]]</ref> and, when this self-imposed rating system later failed to work, he blamed FCC for the messed-up ratings,<ref>[[Mailbag 51#The recent explosion of pornography in TV-Y7 cartoons is not Chris's fault|Mailbag #51]]</ref> even though FCC has no authority over web or print media. He promised a second "season" of the comic — apparently a "reboot" will commence with a "clip show episode" in [[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]].<ref>[[Mailbag 51#A reboot is scheduled|Mailbag #51]]</ref> It is as if he's familiar with only one set of jargon that he then applies to all similar situations, ignoring the fact that most people speak of "comic writers" instead of "directors", "chapters" instead of "episodes", "volumes" instead of "seasons", rate their comics with some rating system that is probably similar to, but not an ''exact duplicate'' of the one used in television — and so on.

It is speculated that the use of jargon stems not from a limited vocabulary, but from Chris's belief that he is [[Chris and reality|actually directing a TV show.]]<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu Sonichu] on CWCipedia. "''For the sake of the Comic Pages, the marriage has been keep discreet during drawing, coloring and filimg[''sic''].''"</ref> More damningly, he once referred to the comics as an "anime", with himself as director.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_3/Page_9 Issue #3 Page 9]</ref>

===Other strange points===
Chris seems to cling to trademarks. In [[Mailbag 10|Mailbag #10]], for example, he specifically says a couple of times that he has saved material on his Memory Stick and Memory Stick Duo. Not "saved on memory card" or just "saved"; people generally don't care ''what'' you save your fanart on, as long as it's saved. Chris, however, wants to be specific: the fan material was saved on a Memory Stick Duo. In the exact same vein, in [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails]], he even swears with "hand on My Holy New International Version Bible right now," rather than just on ''any'' old Bible he might have had lying around. This can be explained, again, by Chris's [[autism]], where he is literally describing the specific device that he is using to save, not a generalization.

Chris seems to prefer referring to people using their full names; he almost always refers to himself as "Christian Weston Chandler" or, God forbid, "'Christopher' Christian 'Ricardo' Weston Chandler"— if he's feeling overly formal. This applies to other people, too; for example, in [[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts (CWCipedia page)|Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts]], he refers to most of the women by their full names. This is yet another autism-related trait.

==Spoken language==
[[Image:Choicevideos.PNG|thumb|300px|Chris's spoken vocabulary.]]
Chris comes off slightly better when speaking, although that's not really saying much. When he addresses the world in one of his many videos, his speech is peppered with vocalized pauses such as "uh", "hmm", and "yeah" as he struggles to find the right thing to say. He also [[Speech impediment|tends to stutter and repeat himself]].

{{quote|They should have given it perfect- they should have given it five out of five stars... and ten out of ten. Between G4... tee, uh, between G4 and, uh, the [[Wikipedia:Game Informer|Game Informer]].|Chris attempting to convince people that [[Brutal Legend Plus|''Brutal Legend'']] is worthy of a perfect score.}}

Chris does a better job staying on-topic when speaking than he does while writing, likely because when speaking to a camera or another person, he has a clearer idea of the point he wants to get across. Going off on rambling tangents still occasionally happens, but usually only when Chris is [[Random-access humor|trying to be funny]].

{{quote|...even to make his own ass bleed. I mean, that story, it's just about as incredibly fabricated as Donna Tubb's time over at when she had to borrow [[Wikipedia:R. Kelly|R. Kelly]]'s bathroom... [[The Cleveland Show]], new episodes Sun- every Sunday on FOX.|Chris [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 15th, 2009|confusing humor with advertising.]]}}

While Chris seems to be at least capable of coherent conversation while calm, things go downhill when he's [[Stress|upset]], [[Chris and Anger|enraged]], or [[Autism|confused]]. In particular, his tendency to throw childlike temper tantrums has resulted in some very bizarre outbursts. When angry, Chris still retains his tendency to go off on tangents and be very proper about compulsively giving all of the [[Honest Content|relevant information]], which means that he's often unable to sum his anger up in just a few succinct words.

{{quote|...SO GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN FUCKING SKULL AND CALL ME A REAL NAME THAT have God has been given to me and the bear at Regency Square Shopping center, during 1989, YOU DAMN MOCKING BASTARD!|Chris [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|inserting random details into a hissy fit.]]}}

Interestingly, comparisons of his vocal patterns offer one of the few signs of actual development that Chris has ever displayed. Consider his earliest videos; his speech was courtly and disjointed, and delivered almost exclusively in short, monotonous bursts:

<center>{{#ev:youtube|xkVhGLz8MKM}}</center>

There are exceptions to this, but these generally consisted of [[List of phrases Chris copied from media|short phrases apparently culled from TV]] (note the change in pitch in the above video when Chris describes himself as "ever so lonesome"). All in all, Chris displayed all the attributes one would expect from an autistic, as well as from someone who is completely unused to talking to people.

Comparisons with the present day show a marked change in Chris's manner of speech:

<center>{{#ev:youtube|akekECv9XCQ}}</center>

Chris may not sound any more naturalistic, but he does show more of a semantic range than he did two years ago. Clues as to why this has occurred can be found in the subject matter of the videos — Chris perhaps now has realized to some extent that he must engage with people on their terms in order to be taken seriously. While this may not be a massive change, it is still heartening to see that the trolling is stirring the emaciated hulk of his dignity into some sort of creaking action. Who knows? In another two years he may have acquired the vocal skills of a child of kindergarten age.

===Idiosyncrasies===
Chris also has a number of idiosyncrasies which appear frequently in his speech. First, the aforementioned disjointed speech patterns, which are broken up by a number of ideological phrases, which crop up with varying regularity but which sound very similar every time he uses them. Listen closely to the way he introduces himself; he is "Chrishinwessonchanler. From Ruckersville Vir-''gin''-ya." Whenever Chris introduces himself, he basically repeats this exact phonetic pattern, including pauses, the rushed and garbled name, and the staccato rhythm of "Virginia". This is of course explainable by his [[autism]], but it is also related to his [[Random Access Humor|sense of humor]], his [[parody|plagiarism]], and his desire for control over those whom he sees as oppressors.

It may also be related to the less often seen idiosyncrasy which causes him to express disgust with a word physically. For example, in the famous [[SingStar Challenge Round 5|"Smell Yo Duck"]] music video, Chris first avoided saying the word "dick" altogether, and when forced to repeat the video, showed signs of distress bordering on illness. While this is obviously an exaggeration of Chris's feelings, it is notable that he should feel any particular sensation about simple words whatsoever. This reaction raises the possibility that, so long as he is not faking it altogether, Chris may be a [[Wikipedia:Synesthesia|synaesthete]]. There's also the possibility that he has a strong association with a certain word and associates guilt with it, like a child hearing a curse word. Alternatively, it is not stating the ''word'' that is disgusting to Chris, but rather the ''substance'' of the phrase, as it implies that ''he himself'' is [[homos|"smelling someone's dick"]]. Despite this, Chris has no problem hurling curse words (including "dick") at his enemies when in a [[Chris and anger|fit of rage]].

==Chris and profanity==
: ''See also: [[Chris and censorship]]''

At some point in the 2000s, Chris became an enthusiastic user of profanity and vulgar language. According to [[Mimms]], in his early days at [[The GAMe PLACe]] Chris avoided cursing, at least in public, but in more recent years he's lost almost all compunctions in this regard. His videos, blogs, and public pronouncements are full of foul language and obscene references. This is possibly to seem more "adult".

He still holds back in some ways, though. In much of his writing, especially in his comics and on the [[CWCipedia]], Chris shows a strange inclination to censor himself. He regularly uses profanity in his blog entries and Mailbag responses, but the offending words are typically blotted out with asterisks: "D*** that Son Of A B****, Clyde Cash,"<ref>[[CWC Blog]], December 2009</ref> for instance, or "BUGS BUNNY WAS NAKED; YOGI BEAR WAS NAKED; WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?"<ref>[[Mailbag 39|Mailbag #39]]</ref> (On occasions he varies up his censorship style. [[CWC's Diary]] repeatedly refers to [[Mary Lee Walsh]] as an "XXXXX"; the Xes are clearly meant to stand in for "bitch".) Even relatively mild words such as "damn" and "crap" get the same treatment, which was exploited to hilarious effect in the [[audiobooks]].

It could be that Chris believes that most of the CWCipedia's audience is comparatively young, and therefore censors his outbursts to protect his imagined fanbase. Another, more complex theory proposes that it's a sign of Chris's stunted maturity level — he wants to use profanity to signify that he's an adult, but he retains a child's guilt and uncertainty about swearing. (The same theory is often floated regarding [http://encyclopediadramatica.ch/Daveykins David Gonterman], another angry Internet cartoonist with an incongruous tendency to censor himself.)

==See also==
* [[Speech Impediment]]
* [[Chris's resume]]
* [[The High School Story]]
* [[Chris and writing]]
* [[Spanish]]
* Anything written on [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Main_Page CWCipedia]

==Sources==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

Piedmont Virginia Community College

2013-06-29T15:49:38Z

Dann Woolf:

:''For other uses of "PVCC", see [[PVCC|the disambiguation page]].''

[[Image:RealPVCCLogo.jpg|thumb|The public education system has failed us miserably...]]

'''Piedmont Virginia Community College''' is Chris's collegiate [[Wikipedia:alma mater|''alma mater'']], a [[Wikipedia:Community college|community college]] located in [[Charlottesville, Virginia]]. At PVCC, [[Chris]] earned an [[Wikipedia:Applied science|Applied Science]] Associate's Degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. After [[Slow-in-the-minds|five years of study]], Chris earned his degree, even though students are expected to earn associate's degrees after two years in the U.S. He also made the Dean's List, or so he claims.<ref>[[Miyamoto Saga]]: "I earned two degrees in Computer Aided Drafting and Design at Piedmont Virginia Community College, and made the Dean's List."</ref>

In the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comics]], PVCC is the realm of the evil witch [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. In real life, Walsh, in her role as Dean of Student Affairs, gave Chris a hard time on his [[Love Quest]] and at points shattered his heart, lowering his [[heart level|level]] to nearly zero. Chris took revenge in his own inimitable fashion, making her into a character in his comics: the evil witch in command of a villainous group known as the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]].

Chris began classes in PVCC in [[2000#September|September 2000]]. For reasons unknown, even to Chris, he originally chose "Marketing" as his major. Or, more likely, his [[Bob Chandler|father]] chose it for him. Bob quickly transferred Chris to the [[CADD]] course, as this was in the days before he had completely given up on the idea that his son would become a functioning adult.<ref>[[Jackie_E-mails#Chris_is_lazy.2C_Hates_simple_chores]]</ref>

==Kicked out of English==
[[Image:Matchdotcom1.jpeg|thumb|For reference, this is what Chris wore to college.]]
Chris's first great PVCC trauma occurred when he was kicked out of an [[Chris and English|English]] class on his [[Chris's birthday|birthday]].

Chris at one point claimed that his class was reading ''[[wikipedia:Wednesday's Child (novel)|Wednesday's Child]]'', a story about an [[autistic]] girl who [[Death threats|brutally murders people]].<ref>[http://www.amazon.com/Wednesdays-Child-Inspector-Banks-Novels/dp/0380820498]</ref> Chris said that he told his [[JERKS|male]] professor that by golly, he was autistic too! This allegedly resulted in Chris's ejection from that class on 24 [[February 2003]], Chris's twenty-first birthday. According to Chris, the reason was the professor's misunderstanding and fear of [[autism]]. Chris cried and later passed the course when he retook it with a female professor.

Of course, there is more to this story than Chris lets on. In conversations with his [[gal-pal]]s years afterward, Chris admitted that the topic of [[homos|homosexuality]] had come up in a group discussion in class. Chris made a derogatory and inappropriate comment (in his words, he emitted "exclamations you'd likely hear from a [[Niggos|black person]] in [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]]"), and was promptly told to leave.<ref>[[Jackie Chat 5|Jackie Chat #5]]</ref>

After being kicked out, Chris sat at a table by himself and cried. As well as reinforcing Chris's [[JERKS|hatred of men]], this event also inspired Chris to begin his [[Love Quest]].<ref>[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#Start of my Sweetheart Search]]</ref>

==Kicked out of college==
By mid-[[2003#October|October 2003]], Chris was already well into his [[Love Quest]], his [[Attraction Sign]] at the ready for a full two months before falling prey to [[Mary Lee Walsh]], who assumed he was [[Carlos Chantor|whoring himself out.]] Allegedly, she then yelled at him in "a very violent manner" and harshly criticized his methods. Undeterred, Chris made a new sign, which Walsh also took down. Chris, his [[Chris and anger|wrath]] now heightened, spammed the college with copies of ''[[Sonichu's News Dash!]]'', in turn incurring a stern lecture from Walsh, who for her troubles found herself on the receiving end of a loud [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]]. He was then banned from the premises for a year, mandated (by Walsh) to take an anger management course, and forced to see a shrink.<ref>[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#Enter the Wicked Witch of the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]]</ref> Thus, we have the [[autism papers]].

==Graduation==
After spending five years on a degree that is expected to take only two, Chris graduated with an associate's degree in Applied Science and a [[CADD]] certificate. Chris has repeatedly and falsely claimed to have two degrees, seemingly not understanding that his certificate and his associate's degree are two separate things.<ref>[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 4|BlueSpike PSN Chat #4]]</ref><ref>[[CWC - Hand Drawn Original]]</ref><ref>[[IRC (26 October 2008)]]</ref><ref>[[Cole Smithey E-mails]]</ref><ref>[[IRC (24 October 2008)]]</ref>

Compared to his [[Manchester_High_School#Graduation|high school graduation]], Chris didn't seem to give a fuck. Notably, Chris wore not only his [[Sonichu medallion]], but worse his gown, tassel, and [[honor roll]] sash from [[Manchester High School|high school]] to his college graduation.

<center>
<gallery>
Image:0710-CWCCollGrad1.jpg|Graduation
Image:0711-CWCCollGrad2.jpg|Such is his disdain for college, he's wearing the [[medallion]] and the same [[Chris and fashion|shirt of fail]] he draws himself in.
Image:0712-CWCCollGrad3.jpg|And as usual, Chris couldn't care less and he disrobed himself like a small child.
Image:0714-PVCCCaddDeg2.jpg|His Associate of Applied Science degree.
Image:0713-PVCCCaddDeg1.jpg|His CADD certificate. Chris insists this is a degree, but the [[Commonwealth of Virginia]] begs to differ.
Image:391-SchuPVCCArticle.jpg|"Student featured in ''[[Nintendo Power]]''."
</gallery>
</center>

==PVCC as viewed by Chris==
Christian Weston Chandler refers to Piedmont Virginia Community College as the '''Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens''' (abbreviated '''PVCCitizens'''; or, on one occasion, as '''Piedmont Virginity College'''<ref>[[CWC Personal Sonichu Presentation]]</ref>) due to the grudge he holds against the college. Within the context of his [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] comics, Christian has characterized the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens as the headquarters for the activities of the villains of [[CWCville]].

As you can imagine, when the [[troll]] message boards were created, [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens (message board)|it just had to be christened with this name]].

==See also==
* [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]]
* [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens (message board)]]

== Sources ==
<references />

==External links==
{{CWCipedia}}
* [[Wikipedia:Piedmont Virginia Community College|Wikipedia article on PVCC]]
* [http://www.pvcc.edu/ PVCC website]

{{Places}}

[[Category:Attraction Locations]]
[[Category:Education]]
[[Category:Places]]
[[Category:Things Chris hates]]

A Girl Who Brought Down the World

2013-06-23T14:53:41Z

Dann Woolf: /* Chapter 24: Reset */

"'''A Girl Who Brought Down the World'''" is a [[Wikipedia:Novelette|novelette]] written by [[vivitheg]] for [[wikipedia:National Novel Writing Month|NaNoWriMo]] 2008. It imagines a scenario that [[trolls]] have imagined for some time - what if [[Chris]] ruled the world?

The novelette also serves as an allegorical moral tale for Chris, with hopes Chris would see some parallel to his own life and do something to correct it.

== Chris's response ==

A copy was sent to Chris. His response was "I like the cover"<ref>[[Mumble 2]]</ref> and expressed concerns that he was being charged for it.

{{Quotebox|I just received a copy of your book, "A Girl who Brought Down the World", from createspace.com in the mail. I'm writing this e-mail to inquire of who's paying for the book? Because the Billing Address had MY address in it in the enclosed receipt. Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I wish for the issue to be straightened out from the author who most likely did the dirty work of sending it and the bill my way.

Again, who is paying for this book? Please reply.

Merry Christmas,
Christian W. Chandler.}}

NaNoWriMo participants get one free copy of their novels from CreateSpace, so vivitheg likely told them to send it to Chris.

Chris never read the book. Instead, he lied about reading it and gave it to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|his pastor]] as a Christmas gift. Soon after, Chris reported that she hated the book and he hates it too.<ref>[[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]</ref> A few days later he admitted to Vivian that he never read it, but [[Lies|promised]] to "make time" to read it soon.<ref>[[Vivian_Gee_E-mails,_2010#Are_you_doing_anything.3F_.E2.80.94_21_January]]</ref>

== Plot summary==
===Chapter 1: Neighbors===

A young girl named Kid has just moved to a new city with her parents, Miles and Mimi, and her older sister, [[Vivian Gee|Vivian]]. Vivian quickly gets bored of sitting around the house and brings Kid with her to meet their new next-door neighbor: a large, smelly man named [[Christian Weston Chandler|Christopher Winnfield Vega]].

Christopher, who goes by “Chris”, goes into great detail explaining to Vivian and Kid how he once lost his [[gal-pal]], [[Megan|Melanie]]. Getting creeped out by Chris's story of a duel won and a beloved lost, Vivian tells Kid that Chris is “[[Santa Claus]]’s evil brother”, and the two of them flee his house.

After hearing about how rudely Vivian treated Chris, Mimi invites him over for dinner the next evening as a way of patching things up. Chris finds Mimi attractive but shudders when he learns that her racial identity is [[Niggos|part-African]]. He nevertheless graciously accepts her dinner invitation.

===Chapter 2: Memories===

Vivian is desperate to learn more about Chris, so she brings Kid with her to Waynesworth Enterprises to find and question Melanie, who works there. Soon after arriving at Waynesworth, Vivian admits to Kid that Chris isn’t really “Santa Claus's evil brother”… just a terrible person.

Once Vivian and Kid locate Melanie, who goes by “Mel”, they’re told all about how she has a restraining order against Chris because of his constant sexual harassment in the past. Mel insists on telling the girls’ parents about Chris, and she heads home with the two of them.

As the girls return, Chris notices from his bedroom window that Mel is with them, and he assumes that Vivian and Kid are trying to help him reunite with her. He labors to make himself look presentable and heads next door only to be told by Mimi that their dinner plans are off.

===Chapter 3: Cops===

Kid emerges from her room to find the house in ruins. Turning on the news, she learns that her family, Mel, Chris, and [[Jerkop|the police]] are all involved in one big high-speed chase. Chris can't be stopped because a new law states that harming him in any way may result in life imprisonment.

As the family’s car runs out of gas, Miles is forced to pull over into a gas station. Chris pulls over in turn and heads after Mel on foot. Soon, Chris has lowered his pants around his ankles only to trip over them, and the police have rescued Mel and Kid's family for the time being.

While everyone is waiting around at the police station, Chris’s half-brother, [[Cole Smithey|Jones Brimley]], shows up and offers to let them all stay at his place, where they should be safe from Chris. Meanwhile, back at the gas station, Chris finally picks himself up and resumes his [[love quest]] for Mel.

===Chapter 4: Asylum===

At his mansion, Jones explains to Mel and Kid's family that living with his failure of a half-brother had inspired him to move out in search of success. That night, Chris scales the mansion's electric fence and is stopped only by the sight of Jones's female bodyguard stripping naked.

Soon afterward, [[Wikipedia:Republican Party (United States)|the Republican Party]] announces that Chris will be their next presidential candidate. One year later, Chris is elected [[A Public Announcement for Congress|President]] in a landslide victory, just as feared. He immediately announces that he will put an end to terrorism, [[Wikipedia:Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], and [[Homos|gay rights]].

Chris adds that [[Sonichu (character)|Rabbichoso]], an "original" fictional character of his creation, will be serving as his VP. His first official act as President is to offer cash rewards for Mel’s capture and the murder of Kid’s family. Vivian declares that her family must somehow kill Chris before he can kill them.

===Chapter 5: Staff===

Chris goes on air to name his Cabinet. [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]] will be his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Agriculture|Secretary of Agriculture]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of the Interior|Secretary of the Interior]], and [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Health and Human Services|Secretary of Health]]. [[Magi-Chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] will be his Secretary of Dating.

Chris next announces that he's still seeking an 18-27 year-old female to marry. A young woman who goes by “[[Cogsdev|cogs]]” fills out Chris’s online application as a joke. An hour later, two [[Wikipedia:Secret Service|Secret Service]] agents appear at her doorstep, knock her out, and drag her back to Chris’s quarters.

Chris isn't immediately sure that cogs is his [[sweetheart]], but after measuring her weight and breasts, testing her driving ability, and smelling her [[hair]], he weds her. When it comes time to consummate the marriage, cogs reveals that she cannot bear children, and Chris has her executed.

===Chapter 6: Patriots===

Mel, apparently long pregnant with Jones's baby, is about to go into labor. Everyone rides along to the hospital together before splitting up: Mel and Jones into the hospital, Mimi and Kid to a grocery store, and Miles to a nearby sporting goods store. Vivian opts to stays with the car.

While checking out, Mimi is attacked by her cashier, who warns the whole store that the “terrorists” have been found. Meanwhile, Miles is being chased by a mob after stealing some golf clubs. A former friend of Chris’s named [[Anna McLerran|Shana]] appears and rescues everyone just in time.

Back at the White House, Chris is busy consulting with the members of his Cabinet. Before long, Rabbichoso is having loud “sex” with his wife, [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]]. When Secret Service agents begin to voice their concern, Chris fires them and barricades himself in the basement with a janitor.

===Chapter 7: Faults===

At the hospital, Mel tells Jones that she’s afraid that Chris is going to capture her and her unborn child. Jones sets out alone in desperation only to be captured himself. After explaining her awkward history with Chris to Kid’s family, Shana rescues Mel and her newborn son, Matt.

Soon afterward, Jones awakens on a plane and has a video confrontation with Chris. Meanwhile, Rabbichoso goes on air to dismiss Congress, declaring a “time of crisis”. As [[America]]’s supreme dictator, Chris demands that every city show its love for Rabbichoso or face annihilation.

Police then surround Shana's home, but Shana pleads with one of the officers, and he agrees to let everyone escape. Fearing assassination, Chris nukes the White House with himself still inside. [[DJ Jamsta|Black Rabbichoso]], Secretary of Music, then spreads disinformation about this “attack”.

===Chapter 8: Education===

A twelve-year-old boy named Cameron enters his first [[dating education]] class. His teacher, a loud man named [[Billy Mays|Mr. MAYS]], plays a video tape in which Psychic Rabbichoso tells children how to stay straight and get dates. Cameron zones out, imagining Chris ranting about minorities.

Once the video ends, Cameron takes a test on dating dos and don'ts. When he admits to having had one or two gay thoughts, Secret Service agents show up to knock him out and drag him away. Meanwhile, his town puts on its state-mandated Rabbichoso parade, floats and all.

Cameron wakes up in a holding cell with some other boys and girls his age. Psychic Rabbichoso informs the children that they are about to be “un-gayed”. Sent to separate, slowly-flooding chambers in boy-girl pairs to have sex, each couple will drown unless each boy [[semen|cums]] into a [[fapcup|cup]].

===Chapter 9: Magic===

Chris goes on air to remind America that most of the “terrorists” are still at large. [[Wes Iseli|A magician]] returns to his home and is confronted by a police officer who accuses him of aiding these fugitives. The magician escapes by teleporting himself to the home of his former love, [[Sarah Hammer|Sally]].

Despite her hurt feelings, Sally agrees to shelter the magician. That night, she turns on her TV to find Chris, who happens to be a former friend of hers, meeting with his Cabinet about women’s role in society. She remembers how grateful she was when [[Mary Lee Walsh|a certain witch]] rid her of him.

The next morning, Sally finds that Chris is still broadcasting from his "office", and that the magician has just teleported himself there to battle him. In his own mind, Chris gains the advantage with the help of his Cabinet and prepares to finish the magician off with a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hex-me-ha-me-ha]].

===Chapter 10: Crossroads===

The magician begins ridiculing Chris for imagining himself to be so much more powerful than he is. Abruptly, the janitor withdraws a pistol and shoots the magician. Chris moves to televise this victory, but before he can, the magician teleports himself to Sally’s house as he lies dying.

Meanwhile, Shana, Melanie, and Kid’s family are driving to D.C. An unfamiliar woman starts following them, and when they stop the car to get gas, she pulls into the gas station. Kid’s family fears the worst until the woman identifies herself as Sally and explains that she wants to help.

Sally presents the group with some credit cards from her work and a map of the White House basement that the magician had given to her just before he died. She then leaves, declining to join the group on their journey. Later, she travels alone into a forest to visit the magician’s grave.

===Chapter 11: Outside===

Chris goes on air to explain to men across America how to be better fathers. Fighting Rabbichoso then informs Chris that he should spend some time improving foreign relations. When the Chinese president tells Chris that Taiwan pirates video games, he nukes that whole country.

Soon afterward, Chris nukes both South Korea for sympathizing with Taiwan and Poland for stealing jobs from the UK. Upset that no one has yet commended him, he calls the Iraqi president to learn what he can do to assist ''his'' country. As requested, he bombs 1/5 of the entire world.

All surviving countries are terrified, aware that America is the only nation to still possess nuclear weapons. When the President of Brazil tells Chris not to contact his country, Chris fires another nuke. However, [[Bill The Scientist|he spills some soda]] onto the missile console, and the nuke hits Canada.

===Chapter 12: Brimley===

Chris goes into the basement to check on his half-brother, Jones. They have a heated conversation about relationships, and Jones points out how inept Chris is at understanding them. Chris, being the selfish person he is, believes that everything should be handed to him on a silver platter.

Chris then goes on a rant about how the [[Homos|homos]] keep tempting him to join their side. This leaves Chris [[Stress|stressed]] and he returns to the main room to sleep. He gets woken up by the janitor, who reminds him he must do his daily broadcast, even though it's 2 a.m. He announces the addition of Black Rabbichoso (AKA [[Blake|Thomas]]) to his Cabinet, as the new Secretary of Defense.

Shana and Vivian talk in the car about their plot to kill Chris, while looking over the details about how to enter the underground basement.

===Chapter 13: Crushed===

Kid notices that they need gas, so they pull into the next gas station. The owner recognizes Melanie and gets his shotgun. Vivian throws a pocket knife into his arm but he manages to shoot her in the leg. Being in no condition to travel, she tells the rest to leave her behind. She is taken to the hospital but requires a wheelchair.

The Secret Service is there to pick her up. They fly Vivian to Chris's basement, where he greets her after taking a shower. Vivian talks to Jones in the basement while Chris announces the capture of one of the Terrorist Four. Chris declares Vivian as his back-up girlfriend and wheels her off into another part of the basement. He coats her in white paint as God intended him to have a [[Niggos|white girlfriend]], and goes back upstairs.

Chris later comes down for their date, and Vivian hides a knife to kill him with when the time is right. They dine on burgers from Burger Palace. After the janitor leaves the room, she wheels over to Chris and takes out the knife. Chris declares he can cut his own burger and raises his arms in surprise. The stench overpowers Vivian and she's knocked out.

===Chapter 14: Hero===

Chris phones his old school friend, [[Joshua Martinez|Phillip Gonzalo]], for advice with the ladies. After the conversation is over, Phillip falls into an uneasy dream. The [[dream]] is about the time he first met Chris, and they play video games. The dream changes to Chris seeing him kissing his [[Gal-pal|Girlfriend]], then to an [[E-mail]] he sent Chris informing him of a date he set up. This wakes him up suddenly and he wonders why [[Chris]] is still alive.

Vivian wakes up in a bed, nude, with her clothes neatly folded on a cabinet. Chris, who had been watching her, notices that she's conscious and walks in with his shirt off. He tries to kiss her and she slaps him. He phones Phillip again for advice, and he begs Chris to stop after he finds out she's underage.

Chris forces himself upon Vivian, who fights against him. In the struggle, she pulls one of his eyes clean out. Chris runs shrieking out the room. Rabbichoso then goes on air announcing Chris is on a short vacation. He then fires Psychic Rabbichoso for failing to keep everyone straight, and offers the role of President to whomever can deliver the rest of the three remaining terrorists along with Melanie and Shana.

===Chapter 15: Alamo===

Kid, upset by the capture of Vivian, is left bent upon revenge against Chris. The engine dies just as several cars begin following them. They gather weapons and jump out the car. A fight breaks out between them and a gang after the reward. After all but the leader, Bon, have been killed, she calls for backup. Several people come with swords, led by Clyde.

After another fight, Bon and Miles have a one-on-one duel for Mimi, who is taken hostage. Bon pulls a gun, but trips and Miles picks the gun up. He shoots her in the face. Melanie kills Clyde with a throwing knife to the heart. They realize that Kid and Matt are missing, taken hostage by the two remaining gang members.

The gang offers a trade -- Kid and Matt for Miles and Mimi, as their bounty is higher. They agree, but as they're being tied up, Miles attacks and takes one down. Mimi runs to safety but Miles is killed in the process. The remaining member is brutally killed by Shana. Chris informs Vivian her father is dead, saying that he should be more careful next time.

===Chapter 16: Witch===

Chris makes an announcement of the death of Miles, then parades his two captives on TV. An old woman watches this broadcast. In the car, they realize they're running low on supplies and the nearest town is 800 miles (1,288 km) away. They spot an old hut nearby and investigate. Inside they find a witch named [[Mary Lee Walsh|Eva G. Warren]] who gave the unnamed magician his powers.

She reveals that before she gained her powers, she used to be the principal of the school Chris attended and stopped him from [[Love Quest|soliciting sex]] from other students. Suddenly she vanishes, and her voice informs them she has passed on. Kid finds some gum in the pocket of her clothes, which had fallen to the ground, and chews it.

Chris looks in the mirror and [[Honest Content|is disgusted by what he sees]]. After a brief talk to Jones, he decided that the cops that took her away must die.

===Chapter 17: Reflection===

Chris makes an announcement that every [[jerkop|cop]] must die. An ex-officer named Jim, who let Shana go when police surrounded her house, receives a call from an officer asking for assistance. He goes to the station to help out. While moving his car to find civilians to evacuate, he sees several houses on fire. He returns to find the station ablaze too.

Jim, a fellow officer, and a hundred civilians take shelter in a Gym. A few nights later, they see a dozen thugs armed with chainsaws advancing. Mr. Mays finds his classroom empty. The principal and Mays set off to find the children, and discover they've been taken to a factory. Mays cuts through a fence and tasers several Secret Service agents blocking their way. More agents spot them, and Mays shoots them with his EZGun. They rescue the children.

Sally goes to the grave of Eva, who apparently committed suicide aged thirty-four. She obtains a key from the grave. Back in the Gym, the thugs are breaking in, after their supplies and killing the other officer. Jim shoots several dead but the remaining manage to encircle him. The civilians then start attacking the thugs, killing them with their chainsaws. On the radio, Chris announces his plans to dominate the globe.

===Chapter 18: Doctrine===

Chris decides to spread his view of [[Religion|Christianity]], despite Rabbichoso and Holy Rabbichoso's protests. As he spreads his view, Jones, Melanie, Vivian and her family discuss how wrong Chris's views are, in utter disbelief that people still accept this. They also provide commentary towards his views on [[homosexuality]] and the [[Chris and religion|seven deadly sins]], with Jones telling more about Chris's past.

As Mimi shuts off the radio, Kid mentions that she's glad she had great parents and knows that there needs to be good people in the world and knows the bad ones can change... except Chris.

===Chapter 19: Escape===

Vivian and Jones still remain inside Chris's basement, unable to escape, thinking that the others are unable to come and rescue them. Vivian gets an idea on how to escape (which she admittedly hates), attempting to seduce Chris by deciding to have him have a threesome with herself and Jones. Chris is disgusted by this, but when Vivian decides to go back to [[Homos|lesbianism]], Chris changes his mind.

When Vivian's bad leg gives out, Jones goes to get a wheelchair to get Vivian out, leaving her alone with Chris. Chris attempts to get it on with Vivian alone, but she wants another man. Chris attempts to get the janitor in on this, but he declines. The mentioning of Melanie gives Vivian hope that her family's still alive. She asks why Chris wants to lose his [[virgin]]ity, and he tells her that it would make him a man. Vivian, in disgust, says that losing his virginity is more than that, but Chris doesn't listen.

When Jones returns, Chris attempts to initiate the threesome, only to have the two attempt to escape. The janitor returns and attempts to kill Vivian, only for Jones to take the bullet. He attempts to fire again, only to learn he's out. Vivian makes her escape and discovers that, outside, its a wasteland and that her father's body has been defiled. Weakened by the pollution and horror, Vivian passes out.

The janitor checks on Chris and attempts to see about his wounds, but Chris blows him off, taking some pills to cure his headache and goes off to make a message. In the bedroom, Jones dies of his wounds.

===Chapter 20: Edge===

Chris [[crash into slumber|crashes into slumber]] after failing to lose his virginity, but comes to the next day. Chris continues to demand that they find Melanie and brushes off Mimi and Kid as terrorists, thinking that they're too busy shopping.

Meanwhile, Kid has a nightmare about Chris and Rabbichoso and wakes up crying. When the group attempt to drive through a dust storm, it destroys their car's engine. The five split up into the dust storm, Mimi, Matt and Melanie going one way and Kid and Shana going another. Mimi, Matt and Melanie discover a child in a school, who accept them. The quickly rally behind the three when they mention that they were going to end Chris's reign, but they are forced to leave them to protect them

Shana and Kid find themselves lost, only to end up in an abandoned house. Kid wants to stay and wait, but Shana wants to keep going, only to be affected by the dust storm, which kills her.

===Chapter 21: Genes===

Kid uses a compass to leave into the storm, reuniting with the others. After paying their respects to Shana, the four continue on. Melanie thinks it's hopeless to continue on, but Kid wants to keep pushing on, for everyone's sake.

They find a hut, with a person, Chris's half-sister Karen Vega, inside. There, she tells them that she designed the suits allowing others to enter the area, then tells her story of how she was hated by Chris for being geeky, but, when he became president, she was forced to design suits for radiation protection. She reveals that three special suits were designed, but they took two - a child-sized suit was left behind. She gives it to Kid, but dismisses the notion of her wanting to kill Chris.

When Kid marches out alone into the void, Karen goes to stop her, only to be struck down by the dust. With one last goodbye, Kid walks back into the void to kill Chris.

===Chapter 22: Revenge===

Kid continues her trek, seeing the devastation left behind by Chris's actions. As she does, she ends up discovering the building holding Chris's basement... then discovers Vivian and Miles's bodies. She hallucinates seeing Vivian and Miles, both of them trying to deter her from her mission. She ends up passing out and waking up sometime later.

Inside, Chris asks if he's a good president. Rabbichoso says he is, but Thomas tells him that humanity must be purged. Chris tells Thomas that there's a woman out there for him, but Thomas continues to tell him that he will be killed and that if humanity isn't purged, he will die. The janitor finds Chris talking to pieces of paper. The janitor wants to send Chris to a psychiatrist, but Chris turns him down and decides to take a nap.

In a hallway, Kid ends up discovering a few drawings he did including [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|Chris finger-banging Melanie]] and [[Saddest Heart in the World|a poem]] before continuing on.

===Chapter 23: Everything===

Kid finally makes it to Chris's room and prepares to kill him, only to be stopped by the janitor. The janitor reveals himself to be [[troll|Hendrix]], who used Chris to control the [[U.S.]] He reveals that he used Chris to run America to the ground, and that he works for China.

He goes on to explain that he was part of a group that helped [[Bush]] win the 2008 elections and that they were the ones who got [[Obama]] into office. With America weak, they chose Chris to be the next President, using the promise of getting Melanie to get him to join. Kid is stunned by these revelations, Hendrix goes to kill her, only to be saved by Chris.

Chris, in his hallucinated state, is told by Rabbichoso that he has no future, that there's no hope for him and goes to leave. Chris panics and tries to run after him, only to hit a self-destruct device. Kid tries to kill Chris, but decides to let the explosion kill him. She escapes and reunites with everyone.

===Chapter 24: Reset===

Kid writes in her diary, as everyone attempts to try to live in a world after Chris. Meanwhile, a group of Chinese attempt to destroy America only to have themselves wiped out...

...and [[God]], in stitches over the massive chain reaction the creation of Chris (an idea he got whilst being drunk) have caused, decides to reset the world.

In Nevada, cogs takes a breath of fresh air, then goes back inside to play video games.

In Shana's house, Jim proposes to Shana, who accepts.

In Washington D.C., Karen becomes the first female President, hoping to end the line of deception her family was known for.

At the grave of Eva G. Warren, Sally and the magician mourn her passing.

Mr. MAYS hits it big and quits teaching.

Cameron tells a girl how he feels about her and she invites him to her house. There Mr. MAYS is on television. His odd commercial makes the two want to smoke.

Melanie attempts to hire Jones, but declines, only to invite her inside his house for coffee.

Kid admits that Vivian's probably the only person she can trust, but Vivian gets her to try to enjoy the rest of life and takes her on a tour of the city...

===Chapter 25: Christopher===

And we see Chris's new life.

Chris is born, and his parents think he's destined for great things.

At a park, years later, Chris and Jones are playing on the swings. Jones wants Chris to push him for a change, but Chris complains that he might get hurt if he does, so he makes Jones do it.

Years later, Chris is attempting to pick up a girlfriend at the mall while Jones is trying to get them some clothes. He's disgusted by Chris's actions.

At Chris's graduation, Karen watches as Chris hesitates in getting his diploma.

Years later, Chris meets Shana in a grocery store. Shana tells Chris to leave, but Chris takes it as someone talking to him.

Outside Waynesworth Enterprises, Chris meets Melanie and befriends her. Sometime later, he tries to enter the Game Wars store, only to be stopped by police.

Years later, Chris sends a letter to Jones about their parents' passing, ranting about other stuff along the way.

Soon, he meets Vivian and Kid's family, acting the same way he did in the beginning. After that day, they never see each other again.

Years later, Vivian has married [[Clyde Cash|Clyde]] and calls Kid, only for her to tell her to watch [[TV]]. On there, Chris has held an employee hostage inside a mall as the cops attempt to free his hostage and take him down.

Years later, he's locked up in an mental institution, incompetent to stand trial. After having a dream he thinks is from God, he leaps through a window to his death.

No one comes to his funeral.

== Characters ==

'''Christopher Winnifred Vega''' - Analogue to Christian Weston Chandler and main antagonist of the story. He becomes president through the machinations of a group of [[trolls|Chinese]] seeking to bring down the US. In the original timeline, Chris is killed in the destruction of his bunker. In the reverted timeframe, he throws himself out of a window thanks to a dream.

'''Kid''' - The main protagonist of the story. Her life is changed throughout the story as she's put on the run by Chris. In the end, she attempts to kill Chris, but allows him to die by his own stupidity. She is presumed killed in the nuclear fallout in the original time frame. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Vivian''' - Analogue to Vivian Gee and Kid's older sister. Goes on the run, then attempts to kill Chris. She is killed by the radiation fallout around Washington. In the reverted time frame, she ends up marrying a gang member named Clyde.

'''Miles and Mimi''' - Vivian and Kid's parents. When they go to protect Melanie from Chris's wrath, they are considered terrorists and are hunted down. Miles is killed protecting his family and Mimi is killed in the nuclear assault. In the reverted time line, their meeting with Chris goes sour and they never see him again.

'''Melanie''' - Analogue to Megan Schroeder. She is the reason Chris ends up becoming president. She has a child with Jones named Matt. She is presumed killed in the final nuclear attack in the original time frame. In the reverted time line, she is able to get away from Chris and ends up befriending Jones.

'''Jones Brimley''' - Analogue to Cole Smithy and Chris's half-brother. He goes to great lengths to protect Kid's family and Melanie from Chris's attacks. He is killed trying to protect Vivian from Chris. In the reverted time line, he's a popular writer and ends up befriending Melanie.

'''Karen Vega''' - Chris's half-sister. A genius who was forced to work for Chris after his election. She ends up giving Kid a suit that allowed her to enter Washington. She is killed by the radiation dust around the city. In the reverted time frame, she becomes President.

'''Shana''' - Analogue to Ann McLerran. She joins Kid's family after rescuing Melanie and Matt. She is killed by the radioactive dust. In the reverted time frame, she is proposed by Jim

'''Jim''' - A police officer and possible analogue to [[Bagget]]. He attempts to arrest Shana, only to let her go. He joins in the rescue of a number of children. In the reverted time line, he proposes to Shana.

'''Clyde''' - Analogue to [[Clyde Cash]] and a gang leader. He takes Kid and Matt hostage and attempts to get Mimi and Miles instead. He is killed in the ensuing scuffle. In the reverted time frame, he marries Vivian.

'''Mr. Mays''' - Analogue to [[BILLY MAYS]]. He was one of the teachers for Chris's mandated dating education. He ends up leading the charge to save the children. In the reverted universe, he ditches teaching and becomes a spokesman.

'''Cameron''' - a student in one of Chris's date ed classes. He is taken away for reprogramming for thinking gay thoughts. In the reverted time frame, he admits his feelings to a girl, then ends up deciding to smoke, thanks to one of Mr. Mays's commercials.

'''"cogs"''' - Analogue to cogsdev. Ends up filling out a form for kicks, only to be dragged in to be another one of Chris's wives-to-be. When she reveals she can't bear children, she's killed. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Rabbichosos''' - Analogue to Sonichu, Rosechu and the Chaotic Combo. Comprised of [[Sonichu|Rabbichoso]], [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]], [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]], [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]], [[Magi-chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] and [[Blake|Thomas]], they make up Chris's Cabinet.

'''Matt''' - Jones and Melanie's baby son. Named by Kid. Does not exist in the reverted timeline.

== Sources ==
<references/>

==The original text==

* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH1-5-102863247 Chapters 1 - 5]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH6-10-103157555 Chapters 6 - 10]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-11-14-103719474 Chapters 11 - 14]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-15-19-104009914 Chapters 15 - 19]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-20-24-104743076 Chapters 20 - 24]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-25-END-104952905 Chapter 25 (Final)]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AGirlWhoBroughtDownTheWorld TV Tropes]

{{Sonichu}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Girl Who Brought Down the World}}
[[Category:Trolling]]

A Girl Who Brought Down the World

2013-06-23T14:52:55Z

Dann Woolf: /* Chapter 23: Everything */

"'''A Girl Who Brought Down the World'''" is a [[Wikipedia:Novelette|novelette]] written by [[vivitheg]] for [[wikipedia:National Novel Writing Month|NaNoWriMo]] 2008. It imagines a scenario that [[trolls]] have imagined for some time - what if [[Chris]] ruled the world?

The novelette also serves as an allegorical moral tale for Chris, with hopes Chris would see some parallel to his own life and do something to correct it.

== Chris's response ==

A copy was sent to Chris. His response was "I like the cover"<ref>[[Mumble 2]]</ref> and expressed concerns that he was being charged for it.

{{Quotebox|I just received a copy of your book, "A Girl who Brought Down the World", from createspace.com in the mail. I'm writing this e-mail to inquire of who's paying for the book? Because the Billing Address had MY address in it in the enclosed receipt. Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I wish for the issue to be straightened out from the author who most likely did the dirty work of sending it and the bill my way.

Again, who is paying for this book? Please reply.

Merry Christmas,
Christian W. Chandler.}}

NaNoWriMo participants get one free copy of their novels from CreateSpace, so vivitheg likely told them to send it to Chris.

Chris never read the book. Instead, he lied about reading it and gave it to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|his pastor]] as a Christmas gift. Soon after, Chris reported that she hated the book and he hates it too.<ref>[[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]</ref> A few days later he admitted to Vivian that he never read it, but [[Lies|promised]] to "make time" to read it soon.<ref>[[Vivian_Gee_E-mails,_2010#Are_you_doing_anything.3F_.E2.80.94_21_January]]</ref>

== Plot summary==
===Chapter 1: Neighbors===

A young girl named Kid has just moved to a new city with her parents, Miles and Mimi, and her older sister, [[Vivian Gee|Vivian]]. Vivian quickly gets bored of sitting around the house and brings Kid with her to meet their new next-door neighbor: a large, smelly man named [[Christian Weston Chandler|Christopher Winnfield Vega]].

Christopher, who goes by “Chris”, goes into great detail explaining to Vivian and Kid how he once lost his [[gal-pal]], [[Megan|Melanie]]. Getting creeped out by Chris's story of a duel won and a beloved lost, Vivian tells Kid that Chris is “[[Santa Claus]]’s evil brother”, and the two of them flee his house.

After hearing about how rudely Vivian treated Chris, Mimi invites him over for dinner the next evening as a way of patching things up. Chris finds Mimi attractive but shudders when he learns that her racial identity is [[Niggos|part-African]]. He nevertheless graciously accepts her dinner invitation.

===Chapter 2: Memories===

Vivian is desperate to learn more about Chris, so she brings Kid with her to Waynesworth Enterprises to find and question Melanie, who works there. Soon after arriving at Waynesworth, Vivian admits to Kid that Chris isn’t really “Santa Claus's evil brother”… just a terrible person.

Once Vivian and Kid locate Melanie, who goes by “Mel”, they’re told all about how she has a restraining order against Chris because of his constant sexual harassment in the past. Mel insists on telling the girls’ parents about Chris, and she heads home with the two of them.

As the girls return, Chris notices from his bedroom window that Mel is with them, and he assumes that Vivian and Kid are trying to help him reunite with her. He labors to make himself look presentable and heads next door only to be told by Mimi that their dinner plans are off.

===Chapter 3: Cops===

Kid emerges from her room to find the house in ruins. Turning on the news, she learns that her family, Mel, Chris, and [[Jerkop|the police]] are all involved in one big high-speed chase. Chris can't be stopped because a new law states that harming him in any way may result in life imprisonment.

As the family’s car runs out of gas, Miles is forced to pull over into a gas station. Chris pulls over in turn and heads after Mel on foot. Soon, Chris has lowered his pants around his ankles only to trip over them, and the police have rescued Mel and Kid's family for the time being.

While everyone is waiting around at the police station, Chris’s half-brother, [[Cole Smithey|Jones Brimley]], shows up and offers to let them all stay at his place, where they should be safe from Chris. Meanwhile, back at the gas station, Chris finally picks himself up and resumes his [[love quest]] for Mel.

===Chapter 4: Asylum===

At his mansion, Jones explains to Mel and Kid's family that living with his failure of a half-brother had inspired him to move out in search of success. That night, Chris scales the mansion's electric fence and is stopped only by the sight of Jones's female bodyguard stripping naked.

Soon afterward, [[Wikipedia:Republican Party (United States)|the Republican Party]] announces that Chris will be their next presidential candidate. One year later, Chris is elected [[A Public Announcement for Congress|President]] in a landslide victory, just as feared. He immediately announces that he will put an end to terrorism, [[Wikipedia:Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], and [[Homos|gay rights]].

Chris adds that [[Sonichu (character)|Rabbichoso]], an "original" fictional character of his creation, will be serving as his VP. His first official act as President is to offer cash rewards for Mel’s capture and the murder of Kid’s family. Vivian declares that her family must somehow kill Chris before he can kill them.

===Chapter 5: Staff===

Chris goes on air to name his Cabinet. [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]] will be his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Agriculture|Secretary of Agriculture]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of the Interior|Secretary of the Interior]], and [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Health and Human Services|Secretary of Health]]. [[Magi-Chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] will be his Secretary of Dating.

Chris next announces that he's still seeking an 18-27 year-old female to marry. A young woman who goes by “[[Cogsdev|cogs]]” fills out Chris’s online application as a joke. An hour later, two [[Wikipedia:Secret Service|Secret Service]] agents appear at her doorstep, knock her out, and drag her back to Chris’s quarters.

Chris isn't immediately sure that cogs is his [[sweetheart]], but after measuring her weight and breasts, testing her driving ability, and smelling her [[hair]], he weds her. When it comes time to consummate the marriage, cogs reveals that she cannot bear children, and Chris has her executed.

===Chapter 6: Patriots===

Mel, apparently long pregnant with Jones's baby, is about to go into labor. Everyone rides along to the hospital together before splitting up: Mel and Jones into the hospital, Mimi and Kid to a grocery store, and Miles to a nearby sporting goods store. Vivian opts to stays with the car.

While checking out, Mimi is attacked by her cashier, who warns the whole store that the “terrorists” have been found. Meanwhile, Miles is being chased by a mob after stealing some golf clubs. A former friend of Chris’s named [[Anna McLerran|Shana]] appears and rescues everyone just in time.

Back at the White House, Chris is busy consulting with the members of his Cabinet. Before long, Rabbichoso is having loud “sex” with his wife, [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]]. When Secret Service agents begin to voice their concern, Chris fires them and barricades himself in the basement with a janitor.

===Chapter 7: Faults===

At the hospital, Mel tells Jones that she’s afraid that Chris is going to capture her and her unborn child. Jones sets out alone in desperation only to be captured himself. After explaining her awkward history with Chris to Kid’s family, Shana rescues Mel and her newborn son, Matt.

Soon afterward, Jones awakens on a plane and has a video confrontation with Chris. Meanwhile, Rabbichoso goes on air to dismiss Congress, declaring a “time of crisis”. As [[America]]’s supreme dictator, Chris demands that every city show its love for Rabbichoso or face annihilation.

Police then surround Shana's home, but Shana pleads with one of the officers, and he agrees to let everyone escape. Fearing assassination, Chris nukes the White House with himself still inside. [[DJ Jamsta|Black Rabbichoso]], Secretary of Music, then spreads disinformation about this “attack”.

===Chapter 8: Education===

A twelve-year-old boy named Cameron enters his first [[dating education]] class. His teacher, a loud man named [[Billy Mays|Mr. MAYS]], plays a video tape in which Psychic Rabbichoso tells children how to stay straight and get dates. Cameron zones out, imagining Chris ranting about minorities.

Once the video ends, Cameron takes a test on dating dos and don'ts. When he admits to having had one or two gay thoughts, Secret Service agents show up to knock him out and drag him away. Meanwhile, his town puts on its state-mandated Rabbichoso parade, floats and all.

Cameron wakes up in a holding cell with some other boys and girls his age. Psychic Rabbichoso informs the children that they are about to be “un-gayed”. Sent to separate, slowly-flooding chambers in boy-girl pairs to have sex, each couple will drown unless each boy [[semen|cums]] into a [[fapcup|cup]].

===Chapter 9: Magic===

Chris goes on air to remind America that most of the “terrorists” are still at large. [[Wes Iseli|A magician]] returns to his home and is confronted by a police officer who accuses him of aiding these fugitives. The magician escapes by teleporting himself to the home of his former love, [[Sarah Hammer|Sally]].

Despite her hurt feelings, Sally agrees to shelter the magician. That night, she turns on her TV to find Chris, who happens to be a former friend of hers, meeting with his Cabinet about women’s role in society. She remembers how grateful she was when [[Mary Lee Walsh|a certain witch]] rid her of him.

The next morning, Sally finds that Chris is still broadcasting from his "office", and that the magician has just teleported himself there to battle him. In his own mind, Chris gains the advantage with the help of his Cabinet and prepares to finish the magician off with a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hex-me-ha-me-ha]].

===Chapter 10: Crossroads===

The magician begins ridiculing Chris for imagining himself to be so much more powerful than he is. Abruptly, the janitor withdraws a pistol and shoots the magician. Chris moves to televise this victory, but before he can, the magician teleports himself to Sally’s house as he lies dying.

Meanwhile, Shana, Melanie, and Kid’s family are driving to D.C. An unfamiliar woman starts following them, and when they stop the car to get gas, she pulls into the gas station. Kid’s family fears the worst until the woman identifies herself as Sally and explains that she wants to help.

Sally presents the group with some credit cards from her work and a map of the White House basement that the magician had given to her just before he died. She then leaves, declining to join the group on their journey. Later, she travels alone into a forest to visit the magician’s grave.

===Chapter 11: Outside===

Chris goes on air to explain to men across America how to be better fathers. Fighting Rabbichoso then informs Chris that he should spend some time improving foreign relations. When the Chinese president tells Chris that Taiwan pirates video games, he nukes that whole country.

Soon afterward, Chris nukes both South Korea for sympathizing with Taiwan and Poland for stealing jobs from the UK. Upset that no one has yet commended him, he calls the Iraqi president to learn what he can do to assist ''his'' country. As requested, he bombs 1/5 of the entire world.

All surviving countries are terrified, aware that America is the only nation to still possess nuclear weapons. When the President of Brazil tells Chris not to contact his country, Chris fires another nuke. However, [[Bill The Scientist|he spills some soda]] onto the missile console, and the nuke hits Canada.

===Chapter 12: Brimley===

Chris goes into the basement to check on his half-brother, Jones. They have a heated conversation about relationships, and Jones points out how inept Chris is at understanding them. Chris, being the selfish person he is, believes that everything should be handed to him on a silver platter.

Chris then goes on a rant about how the [[Homos|homos]] keep tempting him to join their side. This leaves Chris [[Stress|stressed]] and he returns to the main room to sleep. He gets woken up by the janitor, who reminds him he must do his daily broadcast, even though it's 2 a.m. He announces the addition of Black Rabbichoso (AKA [[Blake|Thomas]]) to his Cabinet, as the new Secretary of Defense.

Shana and Vivian talk in the car about their plot to kill Chris, while looking over the details about how to enter the underground basement.

===Chapter 13: Crushed===

Kid notices that they need gas, so they pull into the next gas station. The owner recognizes Melanie and gets his shotgun. Vivian throws a pocket knife into his arm but he manages to shoot her in the leg. Being in no condition to travel, she tells the rest to leave her behind. She is taken to the hospital but requires a wheelchair.

The Secret Service is there to pick her up. They fly Vivian to Chris's basement, where he greets her after taking a shower. Vivian talks to Jones in the basement while Chris announces the capture of one of the Terrorist Four. Chris declares Vivian as his back-up girlfriend and wheels her off into another part of the basement. He coats her in white paint as God intended him to have a [[Niggos|white girlfriend]], and goes back upstairs.

Chris later comes down for their date, and Vivian hides a knife to kill him with when the time is right. They dine on burgers from Burger Palace. After the janitor leaves the room, she wheels over to Chris and takes out the knife. Chris declares he can cut his own burger and raises his arms in surprise. The stench overpowers Vivian and she's knocked out.

===Chapter 14: Hero===

Chris phones his old school friend, [[Joshua Martinez|Phillip Gonzalo]], for advice with the ladies. After the conversation is over, Phillip falls into an uneasy dream. The [[dream]] is about the time he first met Chris, and they play video games. The dream changes to Chris seeing him kissing his [[Gal-pal|Girlfriend]], then to an [[E-mail]] he sent Chris informing him of a date he set up. This wakes him up suddenly and he wonders why [[Chris]] is still alive.

Vivian wakes up in a bed, nude, with her clothes neatly folded on a cabinet. Chris, who had been watching her, notices that she's conscious and walks in with his shirt off. He tries to kiss her and she slaps him. He phones Phillip again for advice, and he begs Chris to stop after he finds out she's underage.

Chris forces himself upon Vivian, who fights against him. In the struggle, she pulls one of his eyes clean out. Chris runs shrieking out the room. Rabbichoso then goes on air announcing Chris is on a short vacation. He then fires Psychic Rabbichoso for failing to keep everyone straight, and offers the role of President to whomever can deliver the rest of the three remaining terrorists along with Melanie and Shana.

===Chapter 15: Alamo===

Kid, upset by the capture of Vivian, is left bent upon revenge against Chris. The engine dies just as several cars begin following them. They gather weapons and jump out the car. A fight breaks out between them and a gang after the reward. After all but the leader, Bon, have been killed, she calls for backup. Several people come with swords, led by Clyde.

After another fight, Bon and Miles have a one-on-one duel for Mimi, who is taken hostage. Bon pulls a gun, but trips and Miles picks the gun up. He shoots her in the face. Melanie kills Clyde with a throwing knife to the heart. They realize that Kid and Matt are missing, taken hostage by the two remaining gang members.

The gang offers a trade -- Kid and Matt for Miles and Mimi, as their bounty is higher. They agree, but as they're being tied up, Miles attacks and takes one down. Mimi runs to safety but Miles is killed in the process. The remaining member is brutally killed by Shana. Chris informs Vivian her father is dead, saying that he should be more careful next time.

===Chapter 16: Witch===

Chris makes an announcement of the death of Miles, then parades his two captives on TV. An old woman watches this broadcast. In the car, they realize they're running low on supplies and the nearest town is 800 miles (1,288 km) away. They spot an old hut nearby and investigate. Inside they find a witch named [[Mary Lee Walsh|Eva G. Warren]] who gave the unnamed magician his powers.

She reveals that before she gained her powers, she used to be the principal of the school Chris attended and stopped him from [[Love Quest|soliciting sex]] from other students. Suddenly she vanishes, and her voice informs them she has passed on. Kid finds some gum in the pocket of her clothes, which had fallen to the ground, and chews it.

Chris looks in the mirror and [[Honest Content|is disgusted by what he sees]]. After a brief talk to Jones, he decided that the cops that took her away must die.

===Chapter 17: Reflection===

Chris makes an announcement that every [[jerkop|cop]] must die. An ex-officer named Jim, who let Shana go when police surrounded her house, receives a call from an officer asking for assistance. He goes to the station to help out. While moving his car to find civilians to evacuate, he sees several houses on fire. He returns to find the station ablaze too.

Jim, a fellow officer, and a hundred civilians take shelter in a Gym. A few nights later, they see a dozen thugs armed with chainsaws advancing. Mr. Mays finds his classroom empty. The principal and Mays set off to find the children, and discover they've been taken to a factory. Mays cuts through a fence and tasers several Secret Service agents blocking their way. More agents spot them, and Mays shoots them with his EZGun. They rescue the children.

Sally goes to the grave of Eva, who apparently committed suicide aged thirty-four. She obtains a key from the grave. Back in the Gym, the thugs are breaking in, after their supplies and killing the other officer. Jim shoots several dead but the remaining manage to encircle him. The civilians then start attacking the thugs, killing them with their chainsaws. On the radio, Chris announces his plans to dominate the globe.

===Chapter 18: Doctrine===

Chris decides to spread his view of [[Religion|Christianity]], despite Rabbichoso and Holy Rabbichoso's protests. As he spreads his view, Jones, Melanie, Vivian and her family discuss how wrong Chris's views are, in utter disbelief that people still accept this. They also provide commentary towards his views on [[homosexuality]] and the [[Chris and religion|seven deadly sins]], with Jones telling more about Chris's past.

As Mimi shuts off the radio, Kid mentions that she's glad she had great parents and knows that there needs to be good people in the world and knows the bad ones can change... except Chris.

===Chapter 19: Escape===

Vivian and Jones still remain inside Chris's basement, unable to escape, thinking that the others are unable to come and rescue them. Vivian gets an idea on how to escape (which she admittedly hates), attempting to seduce Chris by deciding to have him have a threesome with herself and Jones. Chris is disgusted by this, but when Vivian decides to go back to [[Homos|lesbianism]], Chris changes his mind.

When Vivian's bad leg gives out, Jones goes to get a wheelchair to get Vivian out, leaving her alone with Chris. Chris attempts to get it on with Vivian alone, but she wants another man. Chris attempts to get the janitor in on this, but he declines. The mentioning of Melanie gives Vivian hope that her family's still alive. She asks why Chris wants to lose his [[virgin]]ity, and he tells her that it would make him a man. Vivian, in disgust, says that losing his virginity is more than that, but Chris doesn't listen.

When Jones returns, Chris attempts to initiate the threesome, only to have the two attempt to escape. The janitor returns and attempts to kill Vivian, only for Jones to take the bullet. He attempts to fire again, only to learn he's out. Vivian makes her escape and discovers that, outside, its a wasteland and that her father's body has been defiled. Weakened by the pollution and horror, Vivian passes out.

The janitor checks on Chris and attempts to see about his wounds, but Chris blows him off, taking some pills to cure his headache and goes off to make a message. In the bedroom, Jones dies of his wounds.

===Chapter 20: Edge===

Chris [[crash into slumber|crashes into slumber]] after failing to lose his virginity, but comes to the next day. Chris continues to demand that they find Melanie and brushes off Mimi and Kid as terrorists, thinking that they're too busy shopping.

Meanwhile, Kid has a nightmare about Chris and Rabbichoso and wakes up crying. When the group attempt to drive through a dust storm, it destroys their car's engine. The five split up into the dust storm, Mimi, Matt and Melanie going one way and Kid and Shana going another. Mimi, Matt and Melanie discover a child in a school, who accept them. The quickly rally behind the three when they mention that they were going to end Chris's reign, but they are forced to leave them to protect them

Shana and Kid find themselves lost, only to end up in an abandoned house. Kid wants to stay and wait, but Shana wants to keep going, only to be affected by the dust storm, which kills her.

===Chapter 21: Genes===

Kid uses a compass to leave into the storm, reuniting with the others. After paying their respects to Shana, the four continue on. Melanie thinks it's hopeless to continue on, but Kid wants to keep pushing on, for everyone's sake.

They find a hut, with a person, Chris's half-sister Karen Vega, inside. There, she tells them that she designed the suits allowing others to enter the area, then tells her story of how she was hated by Chris for being geeky, but, when he became president, she was forced to design suits for radiation protection. She reveals that three special suits were designed, but they took two - a child-sized suit was left behind. She gives it to Kid, but dismisses the notion of her wanting to kill Chris.

When Kid marches out alone into the void, Karen goes to stop her, only to be struck down by the dust. With one last goodbye, Kid walks back into the void to kill Chris.

===Chapter 22: Revenge===

Kid continues her trek, seeing the devastation left behind by Chris's actions. As she does, she ends up discovering the building holding Chris's basement... then discovers Vivian and Miles's bodies. She hallucinates seeing Vivian and Miles, both of them trying to deter her from her mission. She ends up passing out and waking up sometime later.

Inside, Chris asks if he's a good president. Rabbichoso says he is, but Thomas tells him that humanity must be purged. Chris tells Thomas that there's a woman out there for him, but Thomas continues to tell him that he will be killed and that if humanity isn't purged, he will die. The janitor finds Chris talking to pieces of paper. The janitor wants to send Chris to a psychiatrist, but Chris turns him down and decides to take a nap.

In a hallway, Kid ends up discovering a few drawings he did including [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|Chris finger-banging Melanie]] and [[Saddest Heart in the World|a poem]] before continuing on.

===Chapter 23: Everything===

Kid finally makes it to Chris's room and prepares to kill him, only to be stopped by the janitor. The janitor reveals himself to be [[troll|Hendrix]], who used Chris to control the [[U.S.]] He reveals that he used Chris to run America to the ground, and that he works for China.

He goes on to explain that he was part of a group that helped [[Bush]] win the 2008 elections and that they were the ones who got [[Obama]] into office. With America weak, they chose Chris to be the next President, using the promise of getting Melanie to get him to join. Kid is stunned by these revelations, Hendrix goes to kill her, only to be saved by Chris.

Chris, in his hallucinated state, is told by Rabbichoso that he has no future, that there's no hope for him and goes to leave. Chris panics and tries to run after him, only to hit a self-destruct device. Kid tries to kill Chris, but decides to let the explosion kill him. She escapes and reunites with everyone.

===Chapter 24: Reset===

Kid writes in her diary, as everyone attempts to try to live in a world after Chris. Meanwhile, a group of Chinese attempt to destroy America only to have themselves wiped out...

...and [[God]], in stitches over the massive chain reaction the creation of Chris (an idea he got whilst being drunk) have caused, decides to reset the world.

In Nevada, [[cogs]] takes a breath of fresh air, then goes back inside to play video games.

In Shana's house, Jim proposes to Shana, who accepts.

In Washington D.C., Karen becomes the first female President, hoping to end the line of deception her family was known for.

At the grave of Eva G. Warren, Sally and the magician mourn her passing.

Mr. MAYS hits it big and quits teaching.

Cameron tells a girl how he feels about her and she invites him to her house. There Mr. MAYS is on television. His odd commercial makes the two want to smoke.

Melanie attempts to hire Jones, but declines, only to invite her inside his house for coffee.

Kid admits that Vivian's probably the only person she can trust, but Vivian gets her to try to enjoy the rest of life and takes her on a tour of the city...

===Chapter 25: Christopher===

And we see Chris's new life.

Chris is born, and his parents think he's destined for great things.

At a park, years later, Chris and Jones are playing on the swings. Jones wants Chris to push him for a change, but Chris complains that he might get hurt if he does, so he makes Jones do it.

Years later, Chris is attempting to pick up a girlfriend at the mall while Jones is trying to get them some clothes. He's disgusted by Chris's actions.

At Chris's graduation, Karen watches as Chris hesitates in getting his diploma.

Years later, Chris meets Shana in a grocery store. Shana tells Chris to leave, but Chris takes it as someone talking to him.

Outside Waynesworth Enterprises, Chris meets Melanie and befriends her. Sometime later, he tries to enter the Game Wars store, only to be stopped by police.

Years later, Chris sends a letter to Jones about their parents' passing, ranting about other stuff along the way.

Soon, he meets Vivian and Kid's family, acting the same way he did in the beginning. After that day, they never see each other again.

Years later, Vivian has married [[Clyde Cash|Clyde]] and calls Kid, only for her to tell her to watch [[TV]]. On there, Chris has held an employee hostage inside a mall as the cops attempt to free his hostage and take him down.

Years later, he's locked up in an mental institution, incompetent to stand trial. After having a dream he thinks is from God, he leaps through a window to his death.

No one comes to his funeral.

== Characters ==

'''Christopher Winnifred Vega''' - Analogue to Christian Weston Chandler and main antagonist of the story. He becomes president through the machinations of a group of [[trolls|Chinese]] seeking to bring down the US. In the original timeline, Chris is killed in the destruction of his bunker. In the reverted timeframe, he throws himself out of a window thanks to a dream.

'''Kid''' - The main protagonist of the story. Her life is changed throughout the story as she's put on the run by Chris. In the end, she attempts to kill Chris, but allows him to die by his own stupidity. She is presumed killed in the nuclear fallout in the original time frame. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Vivian''' - Analogue to Vivian Gee and Kid's older sister. Goes on the run, then attempts to kill Chris. She is killed by the radiation fallout around Washington. In the reverted time frame, she ends up marrying a gang member named Clyde.

'''Miles and Mimi''' - Vivian and Kid's parents. When they go to protect Melanie from Chris's wrath, they are considered terrorists and are hunted down. Miles is killed protecting his family and Mimi is killed in the nuclear assault. In the reverted time line, their meeting with Chris goes sour and they never see him again.

'''Melanie''' - Analogue to Megan Schroeder. She is the reason Chris ends up becoming president. She has a child with Jones named Matt. She is presumed killed in the final nuclear attack in the original time frame. In the reverted time line, she is able to get away from Chris and ends up befriending Jones.

'''Jones Brimley''' - Analogue to Cole Smithy and Chris's half-brother. He goes to great lengths to protect Kid's family and Melanie from Chris's attacks. He is killed trying to protect Vivian from Chris. In the reverted time line, he's a popular writer and ends up befriending Melanie.

'''Karen Vega''' - Chris's half-sister. A genius who was forced to work for Chris after his election. She ends up giving Kid a suit that allowed her to enter Washington. She is killed by the radiation dust around the city. In the reverted time frame, she becomes President.

'''Shana''' - Analogue to Ann McLerran. She joins Kid's family after rescuing Melanie and Matt. She is killed by the radioactive dust. In the reverted time frame, she is proposed by Jim

'''Jim''' - A police officer and possible analogue to [[Bagget]]. He attempts to arrest Shana, only to let her go. He joins in the rescue of a number of children. In the reverted time line, he proposes to Shana.

'''Clyde''' - Analogue to [[Clyde Cash]] and a gang leader. He takes Kid and Matt hostage and attempts to get Mimi and Miles instead. He is killed in the ensuing scuffle. In the reverted time frame, he marries Vivian.

'''Mr. Mays''' - Analogue to [[BILLY MAYS]]. He was one of the teachers for Chris's mandated dating education. He ends up leading the charge to save the children. In the reverted universe, he ditches teaching and becomes a spokesman.

'''Cameron''' - a student in one of Chris's date ed classes. He is taken away for reprogramming for thinking gay thoughts. In the reverted time frame, he admits his feelings to a girl, then ends up deciding to smoke, thanks to one of Mr. Mays's commercials.

'''"cogs"''' - Analogue to cogsdev. Ends up filling out a form for kicks, only to be dragged in to be another one of Chris's wives-to-be. When she reveals she can't bear children, she's killed. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Rabbichosos''' - Analogue to Sonichu, Rosechu and the Chaotic Combo. Comprised of [[Sonichu|Rabbichoso]], [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]], [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]], [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]], [[Magi-chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] and [[Blake|Thomas]], they make up Chris's Cabinet.

'''Matt''' - Jones and Melanie's baby son. Named by Kid. Does not exist in the reverted timeline.

== Sources ==
<references/>

==The original text==

* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH1-5-102863247 Chapters 1 - 5]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH6-10-103157555 Chapters 6 - 10]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-11-14-103719474 Chapters 11 - 14]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-15-19-104009914 Chapters 15 - 19]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-20-24-104743076 Chapters 20 - 24]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-25-END-104952905 Chapter 25 (Final)]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AGirlWhoBroughtDownTheWorld TV Tropes]

{{Sonichu}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Girl Who Brought Down the World}}
[[Category:Trolling]]

A Girl Who Brought Down the World

2013-06-23T14:45:58Z

Dann Woolf: /* Chapter 16: Witch */

"'''A Girl Who Brought Down the World'''" is a [[Wikipedia:Novelette|novelette]] written by [[vivitheg]] for [[wikipedia:National Novel Writing Month|NaNoWriMo]] 2008. It imagines a scenario that [[trolls]] have imagined for some time - what if [[Chris]] ruled the world?

The novelette also serves as an allegorical moral tale for Chris, with hopes Chris would see some parallel to his own life and do something to correct it.

== Chris's response ==

A copy was sent to Chris. His response was "I like the cover"<ref>[[Mumble 2]]</ref> and expressed concerns that he was being charged for it.

{{Quotebox|I just received a copy of your book, "A Girl who Brought Down the World", from createspace.com in the mail. I'm writing this e-mail to inquire of who's paying for the book? Because the Billing Address had MY address in it in the enclosed receipt. Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I wish for the issue to be straightened out from the author who most likely did the dirty work of sending it and the bill my way.

Again, who is paying for this book? Please reply.

Merry Christmas,
Christian W. Chandler.}}

NaNoWriMo participants get one free copy of their novels from CreateSpace, so vivitheg likely told them to send it to Chris.

Chris never read the book. Instead, he lied about reading it and gave it to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|his pastor]] as a Christmas gift. Soon after, Chris reported that she hated the book and he hates it too.<ref>[[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]</ref> A few days later he admitted to Vivian that he never read it, but [[Lies|promised]] to "make time" to read it soon.<ref>[[Vivian_Gee_E-mails,_2010#Are_you_doing_anything.3F_.E2.80.94_21_January]]</ref>

== Plot summary==
===Chapter 1: Neighbors===

A young girl named Kid has just moved to a new city with her parents, Miles and Mimi, and her older sister, [[Vivian Gee|Vivian]]. Vivian quickly gets bored of sitting around the house and brings Kid with her to meet their new next-door neighbor: a large, smelly man named [[Christian Weston Chandler|Christopher Winnfield Vega]].

Christopher, who goes by “Chris”, goes into great detail explaining to Vivian and Kid how he once lost his [[gal-pal]], [[Megan|Melanie]]. Getting creeped out by Chris's story of a duel won and a beloved lost, Vivian tells Kid that Chris is “[[Santa Claus]]’s evil brother”, and the two of them flee his house.

After hearing about how rudely Vivian treated Chris, Mimi invites him over for dinner the next evening as a way of patching things up. Chris finds Mimi attractive but shudders when he learns that her racial identity is [[Niggos|part-African]]. He nevertheless graciously accepts her dinner invitation.

===Chapter 2: Memories===

Vivian is desperate to learn more about Chris, so she brings Kid with her to Waynesworth Enterprises to find and question Melanie, who works there. Soon after arriving at Waynesworth, Vivian admits to Kid that Chris isn’t really “Santa Claus's evil brother”… just a terrible person.

Once Vivian and Kid locate Melanie, who goes by “Mel”, they’re told all about how she has a restraining order against Chris because of his constant sexual harassment in the past. Mel insists on telling the girls’ parents about Chris, and she heads home with the two of them.

As the girls return, Chris notices from his bedroom window that Mel is with them, and he assumes that Vivian and Kid are trying to help him reunite with her. He labors to make himself look presentable and heads next door only to be told by Mimi that their dinner plans are off.

===Chapter 3: Cops===

Kid emerges from her room to find the house in ruins. Turning on the news, she learns that her family, Mel, Chris, and [[Jerkop|the police]] are all involved in one big high-speed chase. Chris can't be stopped because a new law states that harming him in any way may result in life imprisonment.

As the family’s car runs out of gas, Miles is forced to pull over into a gas station. Chris pulls over in turn and heads after Mel on foot. Soon, Chris has lowered his pants around his ankles only to trip over them, and the police have rescued Mel and Kid's family for the time being.

While everyone is waiting around at the police station, Chris’s half-brother, [[Cole Smithey|Jones Brimley]], shows up and offers to let them all stay at his place, where they should be safe from Chris. Meanwhile, back at the gas station, Chris finally picks himself up and resumes his [[love quest]] for Mel.

===Chapter 4: Asylum===

At his mansion, Jones explains to Mel and Kid's family that living with his failure of a half-brother had inspired him to move out in search of success. That night, Chris scales the mansion's electric fence and is stopped only by the sight of Jones's female bodyguard stripping naked.

Soon afterward, [[Wikipedia:Republican Party (United States)|the Republican Party]] announces that Chris will be their next presidential candidate. One year later, Chris is elected [[A Public Announcement for Congress|President]] in a landslide victory, just as feared. He immediately announces that he will put an end to terrorism, [[Wikipedia:Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], and [[Homos|gay rights]].

Chris adds that [[Sonichu (character)|Rabbichoso]], an "original" fictional character of his creation, will be serving as his VP. His first official act as President is to offer cash rewards for Mel’s capture and the murder of Kid’s family. Vivian declares that her family must somehow kill Chris before he can kill them.

===Chapter 5: Staff===

Chris goes on air to name his Cabinet. [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]] will be his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Agriculture|Secretary of Agriculture]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of the Interior|Secretary of the Interior]], and [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Health and Human Services|Secretary of Health]]. [[Magi-Chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] will be his Secretary of Dating.

Chris next announces that he's still seeking an 18-27 year-old female to marry. A young woman who goes by “[[Cogsdev|cogs]]” fills out Chris’s online application as a joke. An hour later, two [[Wikipedia:Secret Service|Secret Service]] agents appear at her doorstep, knock her out, and drag her back to Chris’s quarters.

Chris isn't immediately sure that cogs is his [[sweetheart]], but after measuring her weight and breasts, testing her driving ability, and smelling her [[hair]], he weds her. When it comes time to consummate the marriage, cogs reveals that she cannot bear children, and Chris has her executed.

===Chapter 6: Patriots===

Mel, apparently long pregnant with Jones's baby, is about to go into labor. Everyone rides along to the hospital together before splitting up: Mel and Jones into the hospital, Mimi and Kid to a grocery store, and Miles to a nearby sporting goods store. Vivian opts to stays with the car.

While checking out, Mimi is attacked by her cashier, who warns the whole store that the “terrorists” have been found. Meanwhile, Miles is being chased by a mob after stealing some golf clubs. A former friend of Chris’s named [[Anna McLerran|Shana]] appears and rescues everyone just in time.

Back at the White House, Chris is busy consulting with the members of his Cabinet. Before long, Rabbichoso is having loud “sex” with his wife, [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]]. When Secret Service agents begin to voice their concern, Chris fires them and barricades himself in the basement with a janitor.

===Chapter 7: Faults===

At the hospital, Mel tells Jones that she’s afraid that Chris is going to capture her and her unborn child. Jones sets out alone in desperation only to be captured himself. After explaining her awkward history with Chris to Kid’s family, Shana rescues Mel and her newborn son, Matt.

Soon afterward, Jones awakens on a plane and has a video confrontation with Chris. Meanwhile, Rabbichoso goes on air to dismiss Congress, declaring a “time of crisis”. As [[America]]’s supreme dictator, Chris demands that every city show its love for Rabbichoso or face annihilation.

Police then surround Shana's home, but Shana pleads with one of the officers, and he agrees to let everyone escape. Fearing assassination, Chris nukes the White House with himself still inside. [[DJ Jamsta|Black Rabbichoso]], Secretary of Music, then spreads disinformation about this “attack”.

===Chapter 8: Education===

A twelve-year-old boy named Cameron enters his first [[dating education]] class. His teacher, a loud man named [[Billy Mays|Mr. MAYS]], plays a video tape in which Psychic Rabbichoso tells children how to stay straight and get dates. Cameron zones out, imagining Chris ranting about minorities.

Once the video ends, Cameron takes a test on dating dos and don'ts. When he admits to having had one or two gay thoughts, Secret Service agents show up to knock him out and drag him away. Meanwhile, his town puts on its state-mandated Rabbichoso parade, floats and all.

Cameron wakes up in a holding cell with some other boys and girls his age. Psychic Rabbichoso informs the children that they are about to be “un-gayed”. Sent to separate, slowly-flooding chambers in boy-girl pairs to have sex, each couple will drown unless each boy [[semen|cums]] into a [[fapcup|cup]].

===Chapter 9: Magic===

Chris goes on air to remind America that most of the “terrorists” are still at large. [[Wes Iseli|A magician]] returns to his home and is confronted by a police officer who accuses him of aiding these fugitives. The magician escapes by teleporting himself to the home of his former love, [[Sarah Hammer|Sally]].

Despite her hurt feelings, Sally agrees to shelter the magician. That night, she turns on her TV to find Chris, who happens to be a former friend of hers, meeting with his Cabinet about women’s role in society. She remembers how grateful she was when [[Mary Lee Walsh|a certain witch]] rid her of him.

The next morning, Sally finds that Chris is still broadcasting from his "office", and that the magician has just teleported himself there to battle him. In his own mind, Chris gains the advantage with the help of his Cabinet and prepares to finish the magician off with a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hex-me-ha-me-ha]].

===Chapter 10: Crossroads===

The magician begins ridiculing Chris for imagining himself to be so much more powerful than he is. Abruptly, the janitor withdraws a pistol and shoots the magician. Chris moves to televise this victory, but before he can, the magician teleports himself to Sally’s house as he lies dying.

Meanwhile, Shana, Melanie, and Kid’s family are driving to D.C. An unfamiliar woman starts following them, and when they stop the car to get gas, she pulls into the gas station. Kid’s family fears the worst until the woman identifies herself as Sally and explains that she wants to help.

Sally presents the group with some credit cards from her work and a map of the White House basement that the magician had given to her just before he died. She then leaves, declining to join the group on their journey. Later, she travels alone into a forest to visit the magician’s grave.

===Chapter 11: Outside===

Chris goes on air to explain to men across America how to be better fathers. Fighting Rabbichoso then informs Chris that he should spend some time improving foreign relations. When the Chinese president tells Chris that Taiwan pirates video games, he nukes that whole country.

Soon afterward, Chris nukes both South Korea for sympathizing with Taiwan and Poland for stealing jobs from the UK. Upset that no one has yet commended him, he calls the Iraqi president to learn what he can do to assist ''his'' country. As requested, he bombs 1/5 of the entire world.

All surviving countries are terrified, aware that America is the only nation to still possess nuclear weapons. When the President of Brazil tells Chris not to contact his country, Chris fires another nuke. However, [[Bill The Scientist|he spills some soda]] onto the missile console, and the nuke hits Canada.

===Chapter 12: Brimley===

Chris goes into the basement to check on his half-brother, Jones. They have a heated conversation about relationships, and Jones points out how inept Chris is at understanding them. Chris, being the selfish person he is, believes that everything should be handed to him on a silver platter.

Chris then goes on a rant about how the [[Homos|homos]] keep tempting him to join their side. This leaves Chris [[Stress|stressed]] and he returns to the main room to sleep. He gets woken up by the janitor, who reminds him he must do his daily broadcast, even though it's 2 a.m. He announces the addition of Black Rabbichoso (AKA [[Blake|Thomas]]) to his Cabinet, as the new Secretary of Defense.

Shana and Vivian talk in the car about their plot to kill Chris, while looking over the details about how to enter the underground basement.

===Chapter 13: Crushed===

Kid notices that they need gas, so they pull into the next gas station. The owner recognizes Melanie and gets his shotgun. Vivian throws a pocket knife into his arm but he manages to shoot her in the leg. Being in no condition to travel, she tells the rest to leave her behind. She is taken to the hospital but requires a wheelchair.

The Secret Service is there to pick her up. They fly Vivian to Chris's basement, where he greets her after taking a shower. Vivian talks to Jones in the basement while Chris announces the capture of one of the Terrorist Four. Chris declares Vivian as his back-up girlfriend and wheels her off into another part of the basement. He coats her in white paint as God intended him to have a [[Niggos|white girlfriend]], and goes back upstairs.

Chris later comes down for their date, and Vivian hides a knife to kill him with when the time is right. They dine on burgers from Burger Palace. After the janitor leaves the room, she wheels over to Chris and takes out the knife. Chris declares he can cut his own burger and raises his arms in surprise. The stench overpowers Vivian and she's knocked out.

===Chapter 14: Hero===

Chris phones his old school friend, [[Joshua Martinez|Phillip Gonzalo]], for advice with the ladies. After the conversation is over, Phillip falls into an uneasy dream. The [[dream]] is about the time he first met Chris, and they play video games. The dream changes to Chris seeing him kissing his [[Gal-pal|Girlfriend]], then to an [[E-mail]] he sent Chris informing him of a date he set up. This wakes him up suddenly and he wonders why [[Chris]] is still alive.

Vivian wakes up in a bed, nude, with her clothes neatly folded on a cabinet. Chris, who had been watching her, notices that she's conscious and walks in with his shirt off. He tries to kiss her and she slaps him. He phones Phillip again for advice, and he begs Chris to stop after he finds out she's underage.

Chris forces himself upon Vivian, who fights against him. In the struggle, she pulls one of his eyes clean out. Chris runs shrieking out the room. Rabbichoso then goes on air announcing Chris is on a short vacation. He then fires Psychic Rabbichoso for failing to keep everyone straight, and offers the role of President to whomever can deliver the rest of the three remaining terrorists along with Melanie and Shana.

===Chapter 15: Alamo===

Kid, upset by the capture of Vivian, is left bent upon revenge against Chris. The engine dies just as several cars begin following them. They gather weapons and jump out the car. A fight breaks out between them and a gang after the reward. After all but the leader, Bon, have been killed, she calls for backup. Several people come with swords, led by Clyde.

After another fight, Bon and Miles have a one-on-one duel for Mimi, who is taken hostage. Bon pulls a gun, but trips and Miles picks the gun up. He shoots her in the face. Melanie kills Clyde with a throwing knife to the heart. They realize that Kid and Matt are missing, taken hostage by the two remaining gang members.

The gang offers a trade -- Kid and Matt for Miles and Mimi, as their bounty is higher. They agree, but as they're being tied up, Miles attacks and takes one down. Mimi runs to safety but Miles is killed in the process. The remaining member is brutally killed by Shana. Chris informs Vivian her father is dead, saying that he should be more careful next time.

===Chapter 16: Witch===

Chris makes an announcement of the death of Miles, then parades his two captives on TV. An old woman watches this broadcast. In the car, they realize they're running low on supplies and the nearest town is 800 miles (1,288 km) away. They spot an old hut nearby and investigate. Inside they find a witch named [[Mary Lee Walsh|Eva G. Warren]] who gave the unnamed magician his powers.

She reveals that before she gained her powers, she used to be the principal of the school Chris attended and stopped him from [[Love Quest|soliciting sex]] from other students. Suddenly she vanishes, and her voice informs them she has passed on. Kid finds some gum in the pocket of her clothes, which had fallen to the ground, and chews it.

Chris looks in the mirror and [[Honest Content|is disgusted by what he sees]]. After a brief talk to Jones, he decided that the cops that took her away must die.

===Chapter 17: Reflection===

Chris makes an announcement that every [[jerkop|cop]] must die. An ex-officer named Jim, who let Shana go when police surrounded her house, receives a call from an officer asking for assistance. He goes to the station to help out. While moving his car to find civilians to evacuate, he sees several houses on fire. He returns to find the station ablaze too.

Jim, a fellow officer, and a hundred civilians take shelter in a Gym. A few nights later, they see a dozen thugs armed with chainsaws advancing. Mr. Mays finds his classroom empty. The principal and Mays set off to find the children, and discover they've been taken to a factory. Mays cuts through a fence and tasers several Secret Service agents blocking their way. More agents spot them, and Mays shoots them with his EZGun. They rescue the children.

Sally goes to the grave of Eva, who apparently committed suicide aged thirty-four. She obtains a key from the grave. Back in the Gym, the thugs are breaking in, after their supplies and killing the other officer. Jim shoots several dead but the remaining manage to encircle him. The civilians then start attacking the thugs, killing them with their chainsaws. On the radio, Chris announces his plans to dominate the globe.

===Chapter 18: Doctrine===

Chris decides to spread his view of [[Religion|Christianity]], despite Rabbichoso and Holy Rabbichoso's protests. As he spreads his view, Jones, Melanie, Vivian and her family discuss how wrong Chris's views are, in utter disbelief that people still accept this. They also provide commentary towards his views on [[homosexuality]] and the [[Chris and religion|seven deadly sins]], with Jones telling more about Chris's past.

As Mimi shuts off the radio, Kid mentions that she's glad she had great parents and knows that there needs to be good people in the world and knows the bad ones can change... except Chris.

===Chapter 19: Escape===

Vivian and Jones still remain inside Chris's basement, unable to escape, thinking that the others are unable to come and rescue them. Vivian gets an idea on how to escape (which she admittedly hates), attempting to seduce Chris by deciding to have him have a threesome with herself and Jones. Chris is disgusted by this, but when Vivian decides to go back to [[Homos|lesbianism]], Chris changes his mind.

When Vivian's bad leg gives out, Jones goes to get a wheelchair to get Vivian out, leaving her alone with Chris. Chris attempts to get it on with Vivian alone, but she wants another man. Chris attempts to get the janitor in on this, but he declines. The mentioning of Melanie gives Vivian hope that her family's still alive. She asks why Chris wants to lose his [[virgin]]ity, and he tells her that it would make him a man. Vivian, in disgust, says that losing his virginity is more than that, but Chris doesn't listen.

When Jones returns, Chris attempts to initiate the threesome, only to have the two attempt to escape. The janitor returns and attempts to kill Vivian, only for Jones to take the bullet. He attempts to fire again, only to learn he's out. Vivian makes her escape and discovers that, outside, its a wasteland and that her father's body has been defiled. Weakened by the pollution and horror, Vivian passes out.

The janitor checks on Chris and attempts to see about his wounds, but Chris blows him off, taking some pills to cure his headache and goes off to make a message. In the bedroom, Jones dies of his wounds.

===Chapter 20: Edge===

Chris [[crash into slumber|crashes into slumber]] after failing to lose his virginity, but comes to the next day. Chris continues to demand that they find Melanie and brushes off Mimi and Kid as terrorists, thinking that they're too busy shopping.

Meanwhile, Kid has a nightmare about Chris and Rabbichoso and wakes up crying. When the group attempt to drive through a dust storm, it destroys their car's engine. The five split up into the dust storm, Mimi, Matt and Melanie going one way and Kid and Shana going another. Mimi, Matt and Melanie discover a child in a school, who accept them. The quickly rally behind the three when they mention that they were going to end Chris's reign, but they are forced to leave them to protect them

Shana and Kid find themselves lost, only to end up in an abandoned house. Kid wants to stay and wait, but Shana wants to keep going, only to be affected by the dust storm, which kills her.

===Chapter 21: Genes===

Kid uses a compass to leave into the storm, reuniting with the others. After paying their respects to Shana, the four continue on. Melanie thinks it's hopeless to continue on, but Kid wants to keep pushing on, for everyone's sake.

They find a hut, with a person, Chris's half-sister Karen Vega, inside. There, she tells them that she designed the suits allowing others to enter the area, then tells her story of how she was hated by Chris for being geeky, but, when he became president, she was forced to design suits for radiation protection. She reveals that three special suits were designed, but they took two - a child-sized suit was left behind. She gives it to Kid, but dismisses the notion of her wanting to kill Chris.

When Kid marches out alone into the void, Karen goes to stop her, only to be struck down by the dust. With one last goodbye, Kid walks back into the void to kill Chris.

===Chapter 22: Revenge===

Kid continues her trek, seeing the devastation left behind by Chris's actions. As she does, she ends up discovering the building holding Chris's basement... then discovers Vivian and Miles's bodies. She hallucinates seeing Vivian and Miles, both of them trying to deter her from her mission. She ends up passing out and waking up sometime later.

Inside, Chris asks if he's a good president. Rabbichoso says he is, but Thomas tells him that humanity must be purged. Chris tells Thomas that there's a woman out there for him, but Thomas continues to tell him that he will be killed and that if humanity isn't purged, he will die. The janitor finds Chris talking to pieces of paper. The janitor wants to send Chris to a psychiatrist, but Chris turns him down and decides to take a nap.

In a hallway, Kid ends up discovering a few drawings he did including [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|Chris finger-banging Melanie]] and [[Saddest Heart in the World|a poem]] before continuing on.

===Chapter 23: Everything===

Kid finally makes it to Chris's room and prepares to kill him, only to be stopped by the janitor. The janitor reveals himself to be [[troll|Hendrix]], who used Chris to control the [[U.S.]] He reveals that he used Chris to run America to the ground, then revealed that he worked for China.

He goes on to explain that he was part of a group that helped [[Bush]] win the 2008 elections and that they were the ones who got [[Obama]] into office. With America weak, they chose Chris to be the next President, using the promise of getting Melanie to get him to join. Kid is stunned by these revelations, Hendrix goes to kill her, only to be saved by Chris.

Chris, in his hallucinated state, is told by Rabbichoso that he has no future, that there's no hope for him and goes to leave. Chris panics and tries to run after him, only to hit a self-destruct device. Kid tries to kill Chris, but decides to let the explosion kill him. She escapes and reunites with everyone.

===Chapter 24: Reset===

Kid writes in her diary, as everyone attempts to try to live in a world after Chris. Meanwhile, a group of Chinese attempt to destroy America only to have themselves wiped out...

...and [[God]], in stitches over the massive chain reaction the creation of Chris (an idea he got whilst being drunk) have caused, decides to reset the world.

In Nevada, [[cogs]] takes a breath of fresh air, then goes back inside to play video games.

In Shana's house, Jim proposes to Shana, who accepts.

In Washington D.C., Karen becomes the first female President, hoping to end the line of deception her family was known for.

At the grave of Eva G. Warren, Sally and the magician mourn her passing.

Mr. MAYS hits it big and quits teaching.

Cameron tells a girl how he feels about her and she invites him to her house. There Mr. MAYS is on television. His odd commercial makes the two want to smoke.

Melanie attempts to hire Jones, but declines, only to invite her inside his house for coffee.

Kid admits that Vivian's probably the only person she can trust, but Vivian gets her to try to enjoy the rest of life and takes her on a tour of the city...

===Chapter 25: Christopher===

And we see Chris's new life.

Chris is born, and his parents think he's destined for great things.

At a park, years later, Chris and Jones are playing on the swings. Jones wants Chris to push him for a change, but Chris complains that he might get hurt if he does, so he makes Jones do it.

Years later, Chris is attempting to pick up a girlfriend at the mall while Jones is trying to get them some clothes. He's disgusted by Chris's actions.

At Chris's graduation, Karen watches as Chris hesitates in getting his diploma.

Years later, Chris meets Shana in a grocery store. Shana tells Chris to leave, but Chris takes it as someone talking to him.

Outside Waynesworth Enterprises, Chris meets Melanie and befriends her. Sometime later, he tries to enter the Game Wars store, only to be stopped by police.

Years later, Chris sends a letter to Jones about their parents' passing, ranting about other stuff along the way.

Soon, he meets Vivian and Kid's family, acting the same way he did in the beginning. After that day, they never see each other again.

Years later, Vivian has married [[Clyde Cash|Clyde]] and calls Kid, only for her to tell her to watch [[TV]]. On there, Chris has held an employee hostage inside a mall as the cops attempt to free his hostage and take him down.

Years later, he's locked up in an mental institution, incompetent to stand trial. After having a dream he thinks is from God, he leaps through a window to his death.

No one comes to his funeral.

== Characters ==

'''Christopher Winnifred Vega''' - Analogue to Christian Weston Chandler and main antagonist of the story. He becomes president through the machinations of a group of [[trolls|Chinese]] seeking to bring down the US. In the original timeline, Chris is killed in the destruction of his bunker. In the reverted timeframe, he throws himself out of a window thanks to a dream.

'''Kid''' - The main protagonist of the story. Her life is changed throughout the story as she's put on the run by Chris. In the end, she attempts to kill Chris, but allows him to die by his own stupidity. She is presumed killed in the nuclear fallout in the original time frame. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Vivian''' - Analogue to Vivian Gee and Kid's older sister. Goes on the run, then attempts to kill Chris. She is killed by the radiation fallout around Washington. In the reverted time frame, she ends up marrying a gang member named Clyde.

'''Miles and Mimi''' - Vivian and Kid's parents. When they go to protect Melanie from Chris's wrath, they are considered terrorists and are hunted down. Miles is killed protecting his family and Mimi is killed in the nuclear assault. In the reverted time line, their meeting with Chris goes sour and they never see him again.

'''Melanie''' - Analogue to Megan Schroeder. She is the reason Chris ends up becoming president. She has a child with Jones named Matt. She is presumed killed in the final nuclear attack in the original time frame. In the reverted time line, she is able to get away from Chris and ends up befriending Jones.

'''Jones Brimley''' - Analogue to Cole Smithy and Chris's half-brother. He goes to great lengths to protect Kid's family and Melanie from Chris's attacks. He is killed trying to protect Vivian from Chris. In the reverted time line, he's a popular writer and ends up befriending Melanie.

'''Karen Vega''' - Chris's half-sister. A genius who was forced to work for Chris after his election. She ends up giving Kid a suit that allowed her to enter Washington. She is killed by the radiation dust around the city. In the reverted time frame, she becomes President.

'''Shana''' - Analogue to Ann McLerran. She joins Kid's family after rescuing Melanie and Matt. She is killed by the radioactive dust. In the reverted time frame, she is proposed by Jim

'''Jim''' - A police officer and possible analogue to [[Bagget]]. He attempts to arrest Shana, only to let her go. He joins in the rescue of a number of children. In the reverted time line, he proposes to Shana.

'''Clyde''' - Analogue to [[Clyde Cash]] and a gang leader. He takes Kid and Matt hostage and attempts to get Mimi and Miles instead. He is killed in the ensuing scuffle. In the reverted time frame, he marries Vivian.

'''Mr. Mays''' - Analogue to [[BILLY MAYS]]. He was one of the teachers for Chris's mandated dating education. He ends up leading the charge to save the children. In the reverted universe, he ditches teaching and becomes a spokesman.

'''Cameron''' - a student in one of Chris's date ed classes. He is taken away for reprogramming for thinking gay thoughts. In the reverted time frame, he admits his feelings to a girl, then ends up deciding to smoke, thanks to one of Mr. Mays's commercials.

'''"cogs"''' - Analogue to cogsdev. Ends up filling out a form for kicks, only to be dragged in to be another one of Chris's wives-to-be. When she reveals she can't bear children, she's killed. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Rabbichosos''' - Analogue to Sonichu, Rosechu and the Chaotic Combo. Comprised of [[Sonichu|Rabbichoso]], [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]], [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]], [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]], [[Magi-chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] and [[Blake|Thomas]], they make up Chris's Cabinet.

'''Matt''' - Jones and Melanie's baby son. Named by Kid. Does not exist in the reverted timeline.

== Sources ==
<references/>

==The original text==

* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH1-5-102863247 Chapters 1 - 5]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH6-10-103157555 Chapters 6 - 10]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-11-14-103719474 Chapters 11 - 14]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-15-19-104009914 Chapters 15 - 19]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-20-24-104743076 Chapters 20 - 24]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-25-END-104952905 Chapter 25 (Final)]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AGirlWhoBroughtDownTheWorld TV Tropes]

{{Sonichu}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Girl Who Brought Down the World}}
[[Category:Trolling]]

A Girl Who Brought Down the World

2013-06-23T14:45:26Z

Dann Woolf: /* Chapter 16: Witch */

"'''A Girl Who Brought Down the World'''" is a [[Wikipedia:Novelette|novelette]] written by [[vivitheg]] for [[wikipedia:National Novel Writing Month|NaNoWriMo]] 2008. It imagines a scenario that [[trolls]] have imagined for some time - what if [[Chris]] ruled the world?

The novelette also serves as an allegorical moral tale for Chris, with hopes Chris would see some parallel to his own life and do something to correct it.

== Chris's response ==

A copy was sent to Chris. His response was "I like the cover"<ref>[[Mumble 2]]</ref> and expressed concerns that he was being charged for it.

{{Quotebox|I just received a copy of your book, "A Girl who Brought Down the World", from createspace.com in the mail. I'm writing this e-mail to inquire of who's paying for the book? Because the Billing Address had MY address in it in the enclosed receipt. Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I wish for the issue to be straightened out from the author who most likely did the dirty work of sending it and the bill my way.

Again, who is paying for this book? Please reply.

Merry Christmas,
Christian W. Chandler.}}

NaNoWriMo participants get one free copy of their novels from CreateSpace, so vivitheg likely told them to send it to Chris.

Chris never read the book. Instead, he lied about reading it and gave it to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|his pastor]] as a Christmas gift. Soon after, Chris reported that she hated the book and he hates it too.<ref>[[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]</ref> A few days later he admitted to Vivian that he never read it, but [[Lies|promised]] to "make time" to read it soon.<ref>[[Vivian_Gee_E-mails,_2010#Are_you_doing_anything.3F_.E2.80.94_21_January]]</ref>

== Plot summary==
===Chapter 1: Neighbors===

A young girl named Kid has just moved to a new city with her parents, Miles and Mimi, and her older sister, [[Vivian Gee|Vivian]]. Vivian quickly gets bored of sitting around the house and brings Kid with her to meet their new next-door neighbor: a large, smelly man named [[Christian Weston Chandler|Christopher Winnfield Vega]].

Christopher, who goes by “Chris”, goes into great detail explaining to Vivian and Kid how he once lost his [[gal-pal]], [[Megan|Melanie]]. Getting creeped out by Chris's story of a duel won and a beloved lost, Vivian tells Kid that Chris is “[[Santa Claus]]’s evil brother”, and the two of them flee his house.

After hearing about how rudely Vivian treated Chris, Mimi invites him over for dinner the next evening as a way of patching things up. Chris finds Mimi attractive but shudders when he learns that her racial identity is [[Niggos|part-African]]. He nevertheless graciously accepts her dinner invitation.

===Chapter 2: Memories===

Vivian is desperate to learn more about Chris, so she brings Kid with her to Waynesworth Enterprises to find and question Melanie, who works there. Soon after arriving at Waynesworth, Vivian admits to Kid that Chris isn’t really “Santa Claus's evil brother”… just a terrible person.

Once Vivian and Kid locate Melanie, who goes by “Mel”, they’re told all about how she has a restraining order against Chris because of his constant sexual harassment in the past. Mel insists on telling the girls’ parents about Chris, and she heads home with the two of them.

As the girls return, Chris notices from his bedroom window that Mel is with them, and he assumes that Vivian and Kid are trying to help him reunite with her. He labors to make himself look presentable and heads next door only to be told by Mimi that their dinner plans are off.

===Chapter 3: Cops===

Kid emerges from her room to find the house in ruins. Turning on the news, she learns that her family, Mel, Chris, and [[Jerkop|the police]] are all involved in one big high-speed chase. Chris can't be stopped because a new law states that harming him in any way may result in life imprisonment.

As the family’s car runs out of gas, Miles is forced to pull over into a gas station. Chris pulls over in turn and heads after Mel on foot. Soon, Chris has lowered his pants around his ankles only to trip over them, and the police have rescued Mel and Kid's family for the time being.

While everyone is waiting around at the police station, Chris’s half-brother, [[Cole Smithey|Jones Brimley]], shows up and offers to let them all stay at his place, where they should be safe from Chris. Meanwhile, back at the gas station, Chris finally picks himself up and resumes his [[love quest]] for Mel.

===Chapter 4: Asylum===

At his mansion, Jones explains to Mel and Kid's family that living with his failure of a half-brother had inspired him to move out in search of success. That night, Chris scales the mansion's electric fence and is stopped only by the sight of Jones's female bodyguard stripping naked.

Soon afterward, [[Wikipedia:Republican Party (United States)|the Republican Party]] announces that Chris will be their next presidential candidate. One year later, Chris is elected [[A Public Announcement for Congress|President]] in a landslide victory, just as feared. He immediately announces that he will put an end to terrorism, [[Wikipedia:Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], and [[Homos|gay rights]].

Chris adds that [[Sonichu (character)|Rabbichoso]], an "original" fictional character of his creation, will be serving as his VP. His first official act as President is to offer cash rewards for Mel’s capture and the murder of Kid’s family. Vivian declares that her family must somehow kill Chris before he can kill them.

===Chapter 5: Staff===

Chris goes on air to name his Cabinet. [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]] will be his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Agriculture|Secretary of Agriculture]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of the Interior|Secretary of the Interior]], and [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Health and Human Services|Secretary of Health]]. [[Magi-Chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] will be his Secretary of Dating.

Chris next announces that he's still seeking an 18-27 year-old female to marry. A young woman who goes by “[[Cogsdev|cogs]]” fills out Chris’s online application as a joke. An hour later, two [[Wikipedia:Secret Service|Secret Service]] agents appear at her doorstep, knock her out, and drag her back to Chris’s quarters.

Chris isn't immediately sure that cogs is his [[sweetheart]], but after measuring her weight and breasts, testing her driving ability, and smelling her [[hair]], he weds her. When it comes time to consummate the marriage, cogs reveals that she cannot bear children, and Chris has her executed.

===Chapter 6: Patriots===

Mel, apparently long pregnant with Jones's baby, is about to go into labor. Everyone rides along to the hospital together before splitting up: Mel and Jones into the hospital, Mimi and Kid to a grocery store, and Miles to a nearby sporting goods store. Vivian opts to stays with the car.

While checking out, Mimi is attacked by her cashier, who warns the whole store that the “terrorists” have been found. Meanwhile, Miles is being chased by a mob after stealing some golf clubs. A former friend of Chris’s named [[Anna McLerran|Shana]] appears and rescues everyone just in time.

Back at the White House, Chris is busy consulting with the members of his Cabinet. Before long, Rabbichoso is having loud “sex” with his wife, [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]]. When Secret Service agents begin to voice their concern, Chris fires them and barricades himself in the basement with a janitor.

===Chapter 7: Faults===

At the hospital, Mel tells Jones that she’s afraid that Chris is going to capture her and her unborn child. Jones sets out alone in desperation only to be captured himself. After explaining her awkward history with Chris to Kid’s family, Shana rescues Mel and her newborn son, Matt.

Soon afterward, Jones awakens on a plane and has a video confrontation with Chris. Meanwhile, Rabbichoso goes on air to dismiss Congress, declaring a “time of crisis”. As [[America]]’s supreme dictator, Chris demands that every city show its love for Rabbichoso or face annihilation.

Police then surround Shana's home, but Shana pleads with one of the officers, and he agrees to let everyone escape. Fearing assassination, Chris nukes the White House with himself still inside. [[DJ Jamsta|Black Rabbichoso]], Secretary of Music, then spreads disinformation about this “attack”.

===Chapter 8: Education===

A twelve-year-old boy named Cameron enters his first [[dating education]] class. His teacher, a loud man named [[Billy Mays|Mr. MAYS]], plays a video tape in which Psychic Rabbichoso tells children how to stay straight and get dates. Cameron zones out, imagining Chris ranting about minorities.

Once the video ends, Cameron takes a test on dating dos and don'ts. When he admits to having had one or two gay thoughts, Secret Service agents show up to knock him out and drag him away. Meanwhile, his town puts on its state-mandated Rabbichoso parade, floats and all.

Cameron wakes up in a holding cell with some other boys and girls his age. Psychic Rabbichoso informs the children that they are about to be “un-gayed”. Sent to separate, slowly-flooding chambers in boy-girl pairs to have sex, each couple will drown unless each boy [[semen|cums]] into a [[fapcup|cup]].

===Chapter 9: Magic===

Chris goes on air to remind America that most of the “terrorists” are still at large. [[Wes Iseli|A magician]] returns to his home and is confronted by a police officer who accuses him of aiding these fugitives. The magician escapes by teleporting himself to the home of his former love, [[Sarah Hammer|Sally]].

Despite her hurt feelings, Sally agrees to shelter the magician. That night, she turns on her TV to find Chris, who happens to be a former friend of hers, meeting with his Cabinet about women’s role in society. She remembers how grateful she was when [[Mary Lee Walsh|a certain witch]] rid her of him.

The next morning, Sally finds that Chris is still broadcasting from his "office", and that the magician has just teleported himself there to battle him. In his own mind, Chris gains the advantage with the help of his Cabinet and prepares to finish the magician off with a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hex-me-ha-me-ha]].

===Chapter 10: Crossroads===

The magician begins ridiculing Chris for imagining himself to be so much more powerful than he is. Abruptly, the janitor withdraws a pistol and shoots the magician. Chris moves to televise this victory, but before he can, the magician teleports himself to Sally’s house as he lies dying.

Meanwhile, Shana, Melanie, and Kid’s family are driving to D.C. An unfamiliar woman starts following them, and when they stop the car to get gas, she pulls into the gas station. Kid’s family fears the worst until the woman identifies herself as Sally and explains that she wants to help.

Sally presents the group with some credit cards from her work and a map of the White House basement that the magician had given to her just before he died. She then leaves, declining to join the group on their journey. Later, she travels alone into a forest to visit the magician’s grave.

===Chapter 11: Outside===

Chris goes on air to explain to men across America how to be better fathers. Fighting Rabbichoso then informs Chris that he should spend some time improving foreign relations. When the Chinese president tells Chris that Taiwan pirates video games, he nukes that whole country.

Soon afterward, Chris nukes both South Korea for sympathizing with Taiwan and Poland for stealing jobs from the UK. Upset that no one has yet commended him, he calls the Iraqi president to learn what he can do to assist ''his'' country. As requested, he bombs 1/5 of the entire world.

All surviving countries are terrified, aware that America is the only nation to still possess nuclear weapons. When the President of Brazil tells Chris not to contact his country, Chris fires another nuke. However, [[Bill The Scientist|he spills some soda]] onto the missile console, and the nuke hits Canada.

===Chapter 12: Brimley===

Chris goes into the basement to check on his half-brother, Jones. They have a heated conversation about relationships, and Jones points out how inept Chris is at understanding them. Chris, being the selfish person he is, believes that everything should be handed to him on a silver platter.

Chris then goes on a rant about how the [[Homos|homos]] keep tempting him to join their side. This leaves Chris [[Stress|stressed]] and he returns to the main room to sleep. He gets woken up by the janitor, who reminds him he must do his daily broadcast, even though it's 2 a.m. He announces the addition of Black Rabbichoso (AKA [[Blake|Thomas]]) to his Cabinet, as the new Secretary of Defense.

Shana and Vivian talk in the car about their plot to kill Chris, while looking over the details about how to enter the underground basement.

===Chapter 13: Crushed===

Kid notices that they need gas, so they pull into the next gas station. The owner recognizes Melanie and gets his shotgun. Vivian throws a pocket knife into his arm but he manages to shoot her in the leg. Being in no condition to travel, she tells the rest to leave her behind. She is taken to the hospital but requires a wheelchair.

The Secret Service is there to pick her up. They fly Vivian to Chris's basement, where he greets her after taking a shower. Vivian talks to Jones in the basement while Chris announces the capture of one of the Terrorist Four. Chris declares Vivian as his back-up girlfriend and wheels her off into another part of the basement. He coats her in white paint as God intended him to have a [[Niggos|white girlfriend]], and goes back upstairs.

Chris later comes down for their date, and Vivian hides a knife to kill him with when the time is right. They dine on burgers from Burger Palace. After the janitor leaves the room, she wheels over to Chris and takes out the knife. Chris declares he can cut his own burger and raises his arms in surprise. The stench overpowers Vivian and she's knocked out.

===Chapter 14: Hero===

Chris phones his old school friend, [[Joshua Martinez|Phillip Gonzalo]], for advice with the ladies. After the conversation is over, Phillip falls into an uneasy dream. The [[dream]] is about the time he first met Chris, and they play video games. The dream changes to Chris seeing him kissing his [[Gal-pal|Girlfriend]], then to an [[E-mail]] he sent Chris informing him of a date he set up. This wakes him up suddenly and he wonders why [[Chris]] is still alive.

Vivian wakes up in a bed, nude, with her clothes neatly folded on a cabinet. Chris, who had been watching her, notices that she's conscious and walks in with his shirt off. He tries to kiss her and she slaps him. He phones Phillip again for advice, and he begs Chris to stop after he finds out she's underage.

Chris forces himself upon Vivian, who fights against him. In the struggle, she pulls one of his eyes clean out. Chris runs shrieking out the room. Rabbichoso then goes on air announcing Chris is on a short vacation. He then fires Psychic Rabbichoso for failing to keep everyone straight, and offers the role of President to whomever can deliver the rest of the three remaining terrorists along with Melanie and Shana.

===Chapter 15: Alamo===

Kid, upset by the capture of Vivian, is left bent upon revenge against Chris. The engine dies just as several cars begin following them. They gather weapons and jump out the car. A fight breaks out between them and a gang after the reward. After all but the leader, Bon, have been killed, she calls for backup. Several people come with swords, led by Clyde.

After another fight, Bon and Miles have a one-on-one duel for Mimi, who is taken hostage. Bon pulls a gun, but trips and Miles picks the gun up. He shoots her in the face. Melanie kills Clyde with a throwing knife to the heart. They realize that Kid and Matt are missing, taken hostage by the two remaining gang members.

The gang offers a trade -- Kid and Matt for Miles and Mimi, as their bounty is higher. They agree, but as they're being tied up, Miles attacks and takes one down. Mimi runs to safety but Miles is killed in the process. The remaining member is brutally killed by Shana. Chris informs Vivian her father is dead, saying that he should be more careful next time.

===Chapter 16: Witch===

Chris makes an announcement of the death of Miles, then parades his two captives on TV. An old woman watches this broadcast. In the car, they realize they're running low on supplies and the nearest town is 800 miles (1,288 km) away. They spot an old hut nearby and investigate. Inside they find a witch named [[Mary Lee Walsh|Eva G. Warren]] who gave the unnamed magician his powers.

She reveals that before she gained her powers, she used to be the principal of the school Chris attended and stopped him [[Love Quest|soliciting sex]] from other students. Suddenly she vanishes, and her voice informs them she has passed on. Kid finds some gum in the pocket of her clothes, which had fallen to the ground, and chews it.

Chris looks in the mirror and [[Honest Content|is disgusted by what he sees]]. After a brief talk to Jones, he decided that the cops that took her away must die.

===Chapter 17: Reflection===

Chris makes an announcement that every [[jerkop|cop]] must die. An ex-officer named Jim, who let Shana go when police surrounded her house, receives a call from an officer asking for assistance. He goes to the station to help out. While moving his car to find civilians to evacuate, he sees several houses on fire. He returns to find the station ablaze too.

Jim, a fellow officer, and a hundred civilians take shelter in a Gym. A few nights later, they see a dozen thugs armed with chainsaws advancing. Mr. Mays finds his classroom empty. The principal and Mays set off to find the children, and discover they've been taken to a factory. Mays cuts through a fence and tasers several Secret Service agents blocking their way. More agents spot them, and Mays shoots them with his EZGun. They rescue the children.

Sally goes to the grave of Eva, who apparently committed suicide aged thirty-four. She obtains a key from the grave. Back in the Gym, the thugs are breaking in, after their supplies and killing the other officer. Jim shoots several dead but the remaining manage to encircle him. The civilians then start attacking the thugs, killing them with their chainsaws. On the radio, Chris announces his plans to dominate the globe.

===Chapter 18: Doctrine===

Chris decides to spread his view of [[Religion|Christianity]], despite Rabbichoso and Holy Rabbichoso's protests. As he spreads his view, Jones, Melanie, Vivian and her family discuss how wrong Chris's views are, in utter disbelief that people still accept this. They also provide commentary towards his views on [[homosexuality]] and the [[Chris and religion|seven deadly sins]], with Jones telling more about Chris's past.

As Mimi shuts off the radio, Kid mentions that she's glad she had great parents and knows that there needs to be good people in the world and knows the bad ones can change... except Chris.

===Chapter 19: Escape===

Vivian and Jones still remain inside Chris's basement, unable to escape, thinking that the others are unable to come and rescue them. Vivian gets an idea on how to escape (which she admittedly hates), attempting to seduce Chris by deciding to have him have a threesome with herself and Jones. Chris is disgusted by this, but when Vivian decides to go back to [[Homos|lesbianism]], Chris changes his mind.

When Vivian's bad leg gives out, Jones goes to get a wheelchair to get Vivian out, leaving her alone with Chris. Chris attempts to get it on with Vivian alone, but she wants another man. Chris attempts to get the janitor in on this, but he declines. The mentioning of Melanie gives Vivian hope that her family's still alive. She asks why Chris wants to lose his [[virgin]]ity, and he tells her that it would make him a man. Vivian, in disgust, says that losing his virginity is more than that, but Chris doesn't listen.

When Jones returns, Chris attempts to initiate the threesome, only to have the two attempt to escape. The janitor returns and attempts to kill Vivian, only for Jones to take the bullet. He attempts to fire again, only to learn he's out. Vivian makes her escape and discovers that, outside, its a wasteland and that her father's body has been defiled. Weakened by the pollution and horror, Vivian passes out.

The janitor checks on Chris and attempts to see about his wounds, but Chris blows him off, taking some pills to cure his headache and goes off to make a message. In the bedroom, Jones dies of his wounds.

===Chapter 20: Edge===

Chris [[crash into slumber|crashes into slumber]] after failing to lose his virginity, but comes to the next day. Chris continues to demand that they find Melanie and brushes off Mimi and Kid as terrorists, thinking that they're too busy shopping.

Meanwhile, Kid has a nightmare about Chris and Rabbichoso and wakes up crying. When the group attempt to drive through a dust storm, it destroys their car's engine. The five split up into the dust storm, Mimi, Matt and Melanie going one way and Kid and Shana going another. Mimi, Matt and Melanie discover a child in a school, who accept them. The quickly rally behind the three when they mention that they were going to end Chris's reign, but they are forced to leave them to protect them

Shana and Kid find themselves lost, only to end up in an abandoned house. Kid wants to stay and wait, but Shana wants to keep going, only to be affected by the dust storm, which kills her.

===Chapter 21: Genes===

Kid uses a compass to leave into the storm, reuniting with the others. After paying their respects to Shana, the four continue on. Melanie thinks it's hopeless to continue on, but Kid wants to keep pushing on, for everyone's sake.

They find a hut, with a person, Chris's half-sister Karen Vega, inside. There, she tells them that she designed the suits allowing others to enter the area, then tells her story of how she was hated by Chris for being geeky, but, when he became president, she was forced to design suits for radiation protection. She reveals that three special suits were designed, but they took two - a child-sized suit was left behind. She gives it to Kid, but dismisses the notion of her wanting to kill Chris.

When Kid marches out alone into the void, Karen goes to stop her, only to be struck down by the dust. With one last goodbye, Kid walks back into the void to kill Chris.

===Chapter 22: Revenge===

Kid continues her trek, seeing the devastation left behind by Chris's actions. As she does, she ends up discovering the building holding Chris's basement... then discovers Vivian and Miles's bodies. She hallucinates seeing Vivian and Miles, both of them trying to deter her from her mission. She ends up passing out and waking up sometime later.

Inside, Chris asks if he's a good president. Rabbichoso says he is, but Thomas tells him that humanity must be purged. Chris tells Thomas that there's a woman out there for him, but Thomas continues to tell him that he will be killed and that if humanity isn't purged, he will die. The janitor finds Chris talking to pieces of paper. The janitor wants to send Chris to a psychiatrist, but Chris turns him down and decides to take a nap.

In a hallway, Kid ends up discovering a few drawings he did including [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|Chris finger-banging Melanie]] and [[Saddest Heart in the World|a poem]] before continuing on.

===Chapter 23: Everything===

Kid finally makes it to Chris's room and prepares to kill him, only to be stopped by the janitor. The janitor reveals himself to be [[troll|Hendrix]], who used Chris to control the [[U.S.]] He reveals that he used Chris to run America to the ground, then revealed that he worked for China.

He goes on to explain that he was part of a group that helped [[Bush]] win the 2008 elections and that they were the ones who got [[Obama]] into office. With America weak, they chose Chris to be the next President, using the promise of getting Melanie to get him to join. Kid is stunned by these revelations, Hendrix goes to kill her, only to be saved by Chris.

Chris, in his hallucinated state, is told by Rabbichoso that he has no future, that there's no hope for him and goes to leave. Chris panics and tries to run after him, only to hit a self-destruct device. Kid tries to kill Chris, but decides to let the explosion kill him. She escapes and reunites with everyone.

===Chapter 24: Reset===

Kid writes in her diary, as everyone attempts to try to live in a world after Chris. Meanwhile, a group of Chinese attempt to destroy America only to have themselves wiped out...

...and [[God]], in stitches over the massive chain reaction the creation of Chris (an idea he got whilst being drunk) have caused, decides to reset the world.

In Nevada, [[cogs]] takes a breath of fresh air, then goes back inside to play video games.

In Shana's house, Jim proposes to Shana, who accepts.

In Washington D.C., Karen becomes the first female President, hoping to end the line of deception her family was known for.

At the grave of Eva G. Warren, Sally and the magician mourn her passing.

Mr. MAYS hits it big and quits teaching.

Cameron tells a girl how he feels about her and she invites him to her house. There Mr. MAYS is on television. His odd commercial makes the two want to smoke.

Melanie attempts to hire Jones, but declines, only to invite her inside his house for coffee.

Kid admits that Vivian's probably the only person she can trust, but Vivian gets her to try to enjoy the rest of life and takes her on a tour of the city...

===Chapter 25: Christopher===

And we see Chris's new life.

Chris is born, and his parents think he's destined for great things.

At a park, years later, Chris and Jones are playing on the swings. Jones wants Chris to push him for a change, but Chris complains that he might get hurt if he does, so he makes Jones do it.

Years later, Chris is attempting to pick up a girlfriend at the mall while Jones is trying to get them some clothes. He's disgusted by Chris's actions.

At Chris's graduation, Karen watches as Chris hesitates in getting his diploma.

Years later, Chris meets Shana in a grocery store. Shana tells Chris to leave, but Chris takes it as someone talking to him.

Outside Waynesworth Enterprises, Chris meets Melanie and befriends her. Sometime later, he tries to enter the Game Wars store, only to be stopped by police.

Years later, Chris sends a letter to Jones about their parents' passing, ranting about other stuff along the way.

Soon, he meets Vivian and Kid's family, acting the same way he did in the beginning. After that day, they never see each other again.

Years later, Vivian has married [[Clyde Cash|Clyde]] and calls Kid, only for her to tell her to watch [[TV]]. On there, Chris has held an employee hostage inside a mall as the cops attempt to free his hostage and take him down.

Years later, he's locked up in an mental institution, incompetent to stand trial. After having a dream he thinks is from God, he leaps through a window to his death.

No one comes to his funeral.

== Characters ==

'''Christopher Winnifred Vega''' - Analogue to Christian Weston Chandler and main antagonist of the story. He becomes president through the machinations of a group of [[trolls|Chinese]] seeking to bring down the US. In the original timeline, Chris is killed in the destruction of his bunker. In the reverted timeframe, he throws himself out of a window thanks to a dream.

'''Kid''' - The main protagonist of the story. Her life is changed throughout the story as she's put on the run by Chris. In the end, she attempts to kill Chris, but allows him to die by his own stupidity. She is presumed killed in the nuclear fallout in the original time frame. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Vivian''' - Analogue to Vivian Gee and Kid's older sister. Goes on the run, then attempts to kill Chris. She is killed by the radiation fallout around Washington. In the reverted time frame, she ends up marrying a gang member named Clyde.

'''Miles and Mimi''' - Vivian and Kid's parents. When they go to protect Melanie from Chris's wrath, they are considered terrorists and are hunted down. Miles is killed protecting his family and Mimi is killed in the nuclear assault. In the reverted time line, their meeting with Chris goes sour and they never see him again.

'''Melanie''' - Analogue to Megan Schroeder. She is the reason Chris ends up becoming president. She has a child with Jones named Matt. She is presumed killed in the final nuclear attack in the original time frame. In the reverted time line, she is able to get away from Chris and ends up befriending Jones.

'''Jones Brimley''' - Analogue to Cole Smithy and Chris's half-brother. He goes to great lengths to protect Kid's family and Melanie from Chris's attacks. He is killed trying to protect Vivian from Chris. In the reverted time line, he's a popular writer and ends up befriending Melanie.

'''Karen Vega''' - Chris's half-sister. A genius who was forced to work for Chris after his election. She ends up giving Kid a suit that allowed her to enter Washington. She is killed by the radiation dust around the city. In the reverted time frame, she becomes President.

'''Shana''' - Analogue to Ann McLerran. She joins Kid's family after rescuing Melanie and Matt. She is killed by the radioactive dust. In the reverted time frame, she is proposed by Jim

'''Jim''' - A police officer and possible analogue to [[Bagget]]. He attempts to arrest Shana, only to let her go. He joins in the rescue of a number of children. In the reverted time line, he proposes to Shana.

'''Clyde''' - Analogue to [[Clyde Cash]] and a gang leader. He takes Kid and Matt hostage and attempts to get Mimi and Miles instead. He is killed in the ensuing scuffle. In the reverted time frame, he marries Vivian.

'''Mr. Mays''' - Analogue to [[BILLY MAYS]]. He was one of the teachers for Chris's mandated dating education. He ends up leading the charge to save the children. In the reverted universe, he ditches teaching and becomes a spokesman.

'''Cameron''' - a student in one of Chris's date ed classes. He is taken away for reprogramming for thinking gay thoughts. In the reverted time frame, he admits his feelings to a girl, then ends up deciding to smoke, thanks to one of Mr. Mays's commercials.

'''"cogs"''' - Analogue to cogsdev. Ends up filling out a form for kicks, only to be dragged in to be another one of Chris's wives-to-be. When she reveals she can't bear children, she's killed. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Rabbichosos''' - Analogue to Sonichu, Rosechu and the Chaotic Combo. Comprised of [[Sonichu|Rabbichoso]], [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]], [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]], [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]], [[Magi-chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] and [[Blake|Thomas]], they make up Chris's Cabinet.

'''Matt''' - Jones and Melanie's baby son. Named by Kid. Does not exist in the reverted timeline.

== Sources ==
<references/>

==The original text==

* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH1-5-102863247 Chapters 1 - 5]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH6-10-103157555 Chapters 6 - 10]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-11-14-103719474 Chapters 11 - 14]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-15-19-104009914 Chapters 15 - 19]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-20-24-104743076 Chapters 20 - 24]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-25-END-104952905 Chapter 25 (Final)]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AGirlWhoBroughtDownTheWorld TV Tropes]

{{Sonichu}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Girl Who Brought Down the World}}
[[Category:Trolling]]

A Girl Who Brought Down the World

2013-06-23T14:44:37Z

Dann Woolf: /* Chapter 14: Hero */

"'''A Girl Who Brought Down the World'''" is a [[Wikipedia:Novelette|novelette]] written by [[vivitheg]] for [[wikipedia:National Novel Writing Month|NaNoWriMo]] 2008. It imagines a scenario that [[trolls]] have imagined for some time - what if [[Chris]] ruled the world?

The novelette also serves as an allegorical moral tale for Chris, with hopes Chris would see some parallel to his own life and do something to correct it.

== Chris's response ==

A copy was sent to Chris. His response was "I like the cover"<ref>[[Mumble 2]]</ref> and expressed concerns that he was being charged for it.

{{Quotebox|I just received a copy of your book, "A Girl who Brought Down the World", from createspace.com in the mail. I'm writing this e-mail to inquire of who's paying for the book? Because the Billing Address had MY address in it in the enclosed receipt. Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I wish for the issue to be straightened out from the author who most likely did the dirty work of sending it and the bill my way.

Again, who is paying for this book? Please reply.

Merry Christmas,
Christian W. Chandler.}}

NaNoWriMo participants get one free copy of their novels from CreateSpace, so vivitheg likely told them to send it to Chris.

Chris never read the book. Instead, he lied about reading it and gave it to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|his pastor]] as a Christmas gift. Soon after, Chris reported that she hated the book and he hates it too.<ref>[[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]</ref> A few days later he admitted to Vivian that he never read it, but [[Lies|promised]] to "make time" to read it soon.<ref>[[Vivian_Gee_E-mails,_2010#Are_you_doing_anything.3F_.E2.80.94_21_January]]</ref>

== Plot summary==
===Chapter 1: Neighbors===

A young girl named Kid has just moved to a new city with her parents, Miles and Mimi, and her older sister, [[Vivian Gee|Vivian]]. Vivian quickly gets bored of sitting around the house and brings Kid with her to meet their new next-door neighbor: a large, smelly man named [[Christian Weston Chandler|Christopher Winnfield Vega]].

Christopher, who goes by “Chris”, goes into great detail explaining to Vivian and Kid how he once lost his [[gal-pal]], [[Megan|Melanie]]. Getting creeped out by Chris's story of a duel won and a beloved lost, Vivian tells Kid that Chris is “[[Santa Claus]]’s evil brother”, and the two of them flee his house.

After hearing about how rudely Vivian treated Chris, Mimi invites him over for dinner the next evening as a way of patching things up. Chris finds Mimi attractive but shudders when he learns that her racial identity is [[Niggos|part-African]]. He nevertheless graciously accepts her dinner invitation.

===Chapter 2: Memories===

Vivian is desperate to learn more about Chris, so she brings Kid with her to Waynesworth Enterprises to find and question Melanie, who works there. Soon after arriving at Waynesworth, Vivian admits to Kid that Chris isn’t really “Santa Claus's evil brother”… just a terrible person.

Once Vivian and Kid locate Melanie, who goes by “Mel”, they’re told all about how she has a restraining order against Chris because of his constant sexual harassment in the past. Mel insists on telling the girls’ parents about Chris, and she heads home with the two of them.

As the girls return, Chris notices from his bedroom window that Mel is with them, and he assumes that Vivian and Kid are trying to help him reunite with her. He labors to make himself look presentable and heads next door only to be told by Mimi that their dinner plans are off.

===Chapter 3: Cops===

Kid emerges from her room to find the house in ruins. Turning on the news, she learns that her family, Mel, Chris, and [[Jerkop|the police]] are all involved in one big high-speed chase. Chris can't be stopped because a new law states that harming him in any way may result in life imprisonment.

As the family’s car runs out of gas, Miles is forced to pull over into a gas station. Chris pulls over in turn and heads after Mel on foot. Soon, Chris has lowered his pants around his ankles only to trip over them, and the police have rescued Mel and Kid's family for the time being.

While everyone is waiting around at the police station, Chris’s half-brother, [[Cole Smithey|Jones Brimley]], shows up and offers to let them all stay at his place, where they should be safe from Chris. Meanwhile, back at the gas station, Chris finally picks himself up and resumes his [[love quest]] for Mel.

===Chapter 4: Asylum===

At his mansion, Jones explains to Mel and Kid's family that living with his failure of a half-brother had inspired him to move out in search of success. That night, Chris scales the mansion's electric fence and is stopped only by the sight of Jones's female bodyguard stripping naked.

Soon afterward, [[Wikipedia:Republican Party (United States)|the Republican Party]] announces that Chris will be their next presidential candidate. One year later, Chris is elected [[A Public Announcement for Congress|President]] in a landslide victory, just as feared. He immediately announces that he will put an end to terrorism, [[Wikipedia:Democratic Party (United States)|the Democratic Party]], and [[Homos|gay rights]].

Chris adds that [[Sonichu (character)|Rabbichoso]], an "original" fictional character of his creation, will be serving as his VP. His first official act as President is to offer cash rewards for Mel’s capture and the murder of Kid’s family. Vivian declares that her family must somehow kill Chris before he can kill them.

===Chapter 5: Staff===

Chris goes on air to name his Cabinet. [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]] will be his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Agriculture|Secretary of Agriculture]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of the Interior|Secretary of the Interior]], and [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]] his [[Wikipedia:United States Secretary of Health and Human Services|Secretary of Health]]. [[Magi-Chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] will be his Secretary of Dating.

Chris next announces that he's still seeking an 18-27 year-old female to marry. A young woman who goes by “[[Cogsdev|cogs]]” fills out Chris’s online application as a joke. An hour later, two [[Wikipedia:Secret Service|Secret Service]] agents appear at her doorstep, knock her out, and drag her back to Chris’s quarters.

Chris isn't immediately sure that cogs is his [[sweetheart]], but after measuring her weight and breasts, testing her driving ability, and smelling her [[hair]], he weds her. When it comes time to consummate the marriage, cogs reveals that she cannot bear children, and Chris has her executed.

===Chapter 6: Patriots===

Mel, apparently long pregnant with Jones's baby, is about to go into labor. Everyone rides along to the hospital together before splitting up: Mel and Jones into the hospital, Mimi and Kid to a grocery store, and Miles to a nearby sporting goods store. Vivian opts to stays with the car.

While checking out, Mimi is attacked by her cashier, who warns the whole store that the “terrorists” have been found. Meanwhile, Miles is being chased by a mob after stealing some golf clubs. A former friend of Chris’s named [[Anna McLerran|Shana]] appears and rescues everyone just in time.

Back at the White House, Chris is busy consulting with the members of his Cabinet. Before long, Rabbichoso is having loud “sex” with his wife, [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]]. When Secret Service agents begin to voice their concern, Chris fires them and barricades himself in the basement with a janitor.

===Chapter 7: Faults===

At the hospital, Mel tells Jones that she’s afraid that Chris is going to capture her and her unborn child. Jones sets out alone in desperation only to be captured himself. After explaining her awkward history with Chris to Kid’s family, Shana rescues Mel and her newborn son, Matt.

Soon afterward, Jones awakens on a plane and has a video confrontation with Chris. Meanwhile, Rabbichoso goes on air to dismiss Congress, declaring a “time of crisis”. As [[America]]’s supreme dictator, Chris demands that every city show its love for Rabbichoso or face annihilation.

Police then surround Shana's home, but Shana pleads with one of the officers, and he agrees to let everyone escape. Fearing assassination, Chris nukes the White House with himself still inside. [[DJ Jamsta|Black Rabbichoso]], Secretary of Music, then spreads disinformation about this “attack”.

===Chapter 8: Education===

A twelve-year-old boy named Cameron enters his first [[dating education]] class. His teacher, a loud man named [[Billy Mays|Mr. MAYS]], plays a video tape in which Psychic Rabbichoso tells children how to stay straight and get dates. Cameron zones out, imagining Chris ranting about minorities.

Once the video ends, Cameron takes a test on dating dos and don'ts. When he admits to having had one or two gay thoughts, Secret Service agents show up to knock him out and drag him away. Meanwhile, his town puts on its state-mandated Rabbichoso parade, floats and all.

Cameron wakes up in a holding cell with some other boys and girls his age. Psychic Rabbichoso informs the children that they are about to be “un-gayed”. Sent to separate, slowly-flooding chambers in boy-girl pairs to have sex, each couple will drown unless each boy [[semen|cums]] into a [[fapcup|cup]].

===Chapter 9: Magic===

Chris goes on air to remind America that most of the “terrorists” are still at large. [[Wes Iseli|A magician]] returns to his home and is confronted by a police officer who accuses him of aiding these fugitives. The magician escapes by teleporting himself to the home of his former love, [[Sarah Hammer|Sally]].

Despite her hurt feelings, Sally agrees to shelter the magician. That night, she turns on her TV to find Chris, who happens to be a former friend of hers, meeting with his Cabinet about women’s role in society. She remembers how grateful she was when [[Mary Lee Walsh|a certain witch]] rid her of him.

The next morning, Sally finds that Chris is still broadcasting from his "office", and that the magician has just teleported himself there to battle him. In his own mind, Chris gains the advantage with the help of his Cabinet and prepares to finish the magician off with a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hex-me-ha-me-ha]].

===Chapter 10: Crossroads===

The magician begins ridiculing Chris for imagining himself to be so much more powerful than he is. Abruptly, the janitor withdraws a pistol and shoots the magician. Chris moves to televise this victory, but before he can, the magician teleports himself to Sally’s house as he lies dying.

Meanwhile, Shana, Melanie, and Kid’s family are driving to D.C. An unfamiliar woman starts following them, and when they stop the car to get gas, she pulls into the gas station. Kid’s family fears the worst until the woman identifies herself as Sally and explains that she wants to help.

Sally presents the group with some credit cards from her work and a map of the White House basement that the magician had given to her just before he died. She then leaves, declining to join the group on their journey. Later, she travels alone into a forest to visit the magician’s grave.

===Chapter 11: Outside===

Chris goes on air to explain to men across America how to be better fathers. Fighting Rabbichoso then informs Chris that he should spend some time improving foreign relations. When the Chinese president tells Chris that Taiwan pirates video games, he nukes that whole country.

Soon afterward, Chris nukes both South Korea for sympathizing with Taiwan and Poland for stealing jobs from the UK. Upset that no one has yet commended him, he calls the Iraqi president to learn what he can do to assist ''his'' country. As requested, he bombs 1/5 of the entire world.

All surviving countries are terrified, aware that America is the only nation to still possess nuclear weapons. When the President of Brazil tells Chris not to contact his country, Chris fires another nuke. However, [[Bill The Scientist|he spills some soda]] onto the missile console, and the nuke hits Canada.

===Chapter 12: Brimley===

Chris goes into the basement to check on his half-brother, Jones. They have a heated conversation about relationships, and Jones points out how inept Chris is at understanding them. Chris, being the selfish person he is, believes that everything should be handed to him on a silver platter.

Chris then goes on a rant about how the [[Homos|homos]] keep tempting him to join their side. This leaves Chris [[Stress|stressed]] and he returns to the main room to sleep. He gets woken up by the janitor, who reminds him he must do his daily broadcast, even though it's 2 a.m. He announces the addition of Black Rabbichoso (AKA [[Blake|Thomas]]) to his Cabinet, as the new Secretary of Defense.

Shana and Vivian talk in the car about their plot to kill Chris, while looking over the details about how to enter the underground basement.

===Chapter 13: Crushed===

Kid notices that they need gas, so they pull into the next gas station. The owner recognizes Melanie and gets his shotgun. Vivian throws a pocket knife into his arm but he manages to shoot her in the leg. Being in no condition to travel, she tells the rest to leave her behind. She is taken to the hospital but requires a wheelchair.

The Secret Service is there to pick her up. They fly Vivian to Chris's basement, where he greets her after taking a shower. Vivian talks to Jones in the basement while Chris announces the capture of one of the Terrorist Four. Chris declares Vivian as his back-up girlfriend and wheels her off into another part of the basement. He coats her in white paint as God intended him to have a [[Niggos|white girlfriend]], and goes back upstairs.

Chris later comes down for their date, and Vivian hides a knife to kill him with when the time is right. They dine on burgers from Burger Palace. After the janitor leaves the room, she wheels over to Chris and takes out the knife. Chris declares he can cut his own burger and raises his arms in surprise. The stench overpowers Vivian and she's knocked out.

===Chapter 14: Hero===

Chris phones his old school friend, [[Joshua Martinez|Phillip Gonzalo]], for advice with the ladies. After the conversation is over, Phillip falls into an uneasy dream. The [[dream]] is about the time he first met Chris, and they play video games. The dream changes to Chris seeing him kissing his [[Gal-pal|Girlfriend]], then to an [[E-mail]] he sent Chris informing him of a date he set up. This wakes him up suddenly and he wonders why [[Chris]] is still alive.

Vivian wakes up in a bed, nude, with her clothes neatly folded on a cabinet. Chris, who had been watching her, notices that she's conscious and walks in with his shirt off. He tries to kiss her and she slaps him. He phones Phillip again for advice, and he begs Chris to stop after he finds out she's underage.

Chris forces himself upon Vivian, who fights against him. In the struggle, she pulls one of his eyes clean out. Chris runs shrieking out the room. Rabbichoso then goes on air announcing Chris is on a short vacation. He then fires Psychic Rabbichoso for failing to keep everyone straight, and offers the role of President to whomever can deliver the rest of the three remaining terrorists along with Melanie and Shana.

===Chapter 15: Alamo===

Kid, upset by the capture of Vivian, is left bent upon revenge against Chris. The engine dies just as several cars begin following them. They gather weapons and jump out the car. A fight breaks out between them and a gang after the reward. After all but the leader, Bon, have been killed, she calls for backup. Several people come with swords, led by Clyde.

After another fight, Bon and Miles have a one-on-one duel for Mimi, who is taken hostage. Bon pulls a gun, but trips and Miles picks the gun up. He shoots her in the face. Melanie kills Clyde with a throwing knife to the heart. They realize that Kid and Matt are missing, taken hostage by the two remaining gang members.

The gang offers a trade -- Kid and Matt for Miles and Mimi, as their bounty is higher. They agree, but as they're being tied up, Miles attacks and takes one down. Mimi runs to safety but Miles is killed in the process. The remaining member is brutally killed by Shana. Chris informs Vivian her father is dead, saying that he should be more careful next time.

===Chapter 16: Witch===

Chris makes an announcement of the death of Miles, then parades his two captives on TV. An old woman watches this broadcast. In the car, they realize they're running low on supplies and the nearest town is 800 miles (1,288 km) away. They spot an old hut nearby and investigate. Inside they find a witch named [[Mary Lee Walsh|Eva G. Warren]] who gave the unnamed magician his powers.

She reveals that before she gained her powers, used to be a principal of the school Chris attended and stopped him [[Love Quest|soliciting sex]] from other students. Suddenly she vanishes, and her voice informs them she has passed on. Kid finds some gum in the pocket of her clothes, which had fallen to the ground, and chews it.

Chris looks in the mirror and [[Honest Content|is disgusted by what he sees]]. After a brief talk to Jones, he decided that the cops that took her away must die.

===Chapter 17: Reflection===

Chris makes an announcement that every [[jerkop|cop]] must die. An ex-officer named Jim, who let Shana go when police surrounded her house, receives a call from an officer asking for assistance. He goes to the station to help out. While moving his car to find civilians to evacuate, he sees several houses on fire. He returns to find the station ablaze too.

Jim, a fellow officer, and a hundred civilians take shelter in a Gym. A few nights later, they see a dozen thugs armed with chainsaws advancing. Mr. Mays finds his classroom empty. The principal and Mays set off to find the children, and discover they've been taken to a factory. Mays cuts through a fence and tasers several Secret Service agents blocking their way. More agents spot them, and Mays shoots them with his EZGun. They rescue the children.

Sally goes to the grave of Eva, who apparently committed suicide aged thirty-four. She obtains a key from the grave. Back in the Gym, the thugs are breaking in, after their supplies and killing the other officer. Jim shoots several dead but the remaining manage to encircle him. The civilians then start attacking the thugs, killing them with their chainsaws. On the radio, Chris announces his plans to dominate the globe.

===Chapter 18: Doctrine===

Chris decides to spread his view of [[Religion|Christianity]], despite Rabbichoso and Holy Rabbichoso's protests. As he spreads his view, Jones, Melanie, Vivian and her family discuss how wrong Chris's views are, in utter disbelief that people still accept this. They also provide commentary towards his views on [[homosexuality]] and the [[Chris and religion|seven deadly sins]], with Jones telling more about Chris's past.

As Mimi shuts off the radio, Kid mentions that she's glad she had great parents and knows that there needs to be good people in the world and knows the bad ones can change... except Chris.

===Chapter 19: Escape===

Vivian and Jones still remain inside Chris's basement, unable to escape, thinking that the others are unable to come and rescue them. Vivian gets an idea on how to escape (which she admittedly hates), attempting to seduce Chris by deciding to have him have a threesome with herself and Jones. Chris is disgusted by this, but when Vivian decides to go back to [[Homos|lesbianism]], Chris changes his mind.

When Vivian's bad leg gives out, Jones goes to get a wheelchair to get Vivian out, leaving her alone with Chris. Chris attempts to get it on with Vivian alone, but she wants another man. Chris attempts to get the janitor in on this, but he declines. The mentioning of Melanie gives Vivian hope that her family's still alive. She asks why Chris wants to lose his [[virgin]]ity, and he tells her that it would make him a man. Vivian, in disgust, says that losing his virginity is more than that, but Chris doesn't listen.

When Jones returns, Chris attempts to initiate the threesome, only to have the two attempt to escape. The janitor returns and attempts to kill Vivian, only for Jones to take the bullet. He attempts to fire again, only to learn he's out. Vivian makes her escape and discovers that, outside, its a wasteland and that her father's body has been defiled. Weakened by the pollution and horror, Vivian passes out.

The janitor checks on Chris and attempts to see about his wounds, but Chris blows him off, taking some pills to cure his headache and goes off to make a message. In the bedroom, Jones dies of his wounds.

===Chapter 20: Edge===

Chris [[crash into slumber|crashes into slumber]] after failing to lose his virginity, but comes to the next day. Chris continues to demand that they find Melanie and brushes off Mimi and Kid as terrorists, thinking that they're too busy shopping.

Meanwhile, Kid has a nightmare about Chris and Rabbichoso and wakes up crying. When the group attempt to drive through a dust storm, it destroys their car's engine. The five split up into the dust storm, Mimi, Matt and Melanie going one way and Kid and Shana going another. Mimi, Matt and Melanie discover a child in a school, who accept them. The quickly rally behind the three when they mention that they were going to end Chris's reign, but they are forced to leave them to protect them

Shana and Kid find themselves lost, only to end up in an abandoned house. Kid wants to stay and wait, but Shana wants to keep going, only to be affected by the dust storm, which kills her.

===Chapter 21: Genes===

Kid uses a compass to leave into the storm, reuniting with the others. After paying their respects to Shana, the four continue on. Melanie thinks it's hopeless to continue on, but Kid wants to keep pushing on, for everyone's sake.

They find a hut, with a person, Chris's half-sister Karen Vega, inside. There, she tells them that she designed the suits allowing others to enter the area, then tells her story of how she was hated by Chris for being geeky, but, when he became president, she was forced to design suits for radiation protection. She reveals that three special suits were designed, but they took two - a child-sized suit was left behind. She gives it to Kid, but dismisses the notion of her wanting to kill Chris.

When Kid marches out alone into the void, Karen goes to stop her, only to be struck down by the dust. With one last goodbye, Kid walks back into the void to kill Chris.

===Chapter 22: Revenge===

Kid continues her trek, seeing the devastation left behind by Chris's actions. As she does, she ends up discovering the building holding Chris's basement... then discovers Vivian and Miles's bodies. She hallucinates seeing Vivian and Miles, both of them trying to deter her from her mission. She ends up passing out and waking up sometime later.

Inside, Chris asks if he's a good president. Rabbichoso says he is, but Thomas tells him that humanity must be purged. Chris tells Thomas that there's a woman out there for him, but Thomas continues to tell him that he will be killed and that if humanity isn't purged, he will die. The janitor finds Chris talking to pieces of paper. The janitor wants to send Chris to a psychiatrist, but Chris turns him down and decides to take a nap.

In a hallway, Kid ends up discovering a few drawings he did including [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|Chris finger-banging Melanie]] and [[Saddest Heart in the World|a poem]] before continuing on.

===Chapter 23: Everything===

Kid finally makes it to Chris's room and prepares to kill him, only to be stopped by the janitor. The janitor reveals himself to be [[troll|Hendrix]], who used Chris to control the [[U.S.]] He reveals that he used Chris to run America to the ground, then revealed that he worked for China.

He goes on to explain that he was part of a group that helped [[Bush]] win the 2008 elections and that they were the ones who got [[Obama]] into office. With America weak, they chose Chris to be the next President, using the promise of getting Melanie to get him to join. Kid is stunned by these revelations, Hendrix goes to kill her, only to be saved by Chris.

Chris, in his hallucinated state, is told by Rabbichoso that he has no future, that there's no hope for him and goes to leave. Chris panics and tries to run after him, only to hit a self-destruct device. Kid tries to kill Chris, but decides to let the explosion kill him. She escapes and reunites with everyone.

===Chapter 24: Reset===

Kid writes in her diary, as everyone attempts to try to live in a world after Chris. Meanwhile, a group of Chinese attempt to destroy America only to have themselves wiped out...

...and [[God]], in stitches over the massive chain reaction the creation of Chris (an idea he got whilst being drunk) have caused, decides to reset the world.

In Nevada, [[cogs]] takes a breath of fresh air, then goes back inside to play video games.

In Shana's house, Jim proposes to Shana, who accepts.

In Washington D.C., Karen becomes the first female President, hoping to end the line of deception her family was known for.

At the grave of Eva G. Warren, Sally and the magician mourn her passing.

Mr. MAYS hits it big and quits teaching.

Cameron tells a girl how he feels about her and she invites him to her house. There Mr. MAYS is on television. His odd commercial makes the two want to smoke.

Melanie attempts to hire Jones, but declines, only to invite her inside his house for coffee.

Kid admits that Vivian's probably the only person she can trust, but Vivian gets her to try to enjoy the rest of life and takes her on a tour of the city...

===Chapter 25: Christopher===

And we see Chris's new life.

Chris is born, and his parents think he's destined for great things.

At a park, years later, Chris and Jones are playing on the swings. Jones wants Chris to push him for a change, but Chris complains that he might get hurt if he does, so he makes Jones do it.

Years later, Chris is attempting to pick up a girlfriend at the mall while Jones is trying to get them some clothes. He's disgusted by Chris's actions.

At Chris's graduation, Karen watches as Chris hesitates in getting his diploma.

Years later, Chris meets Shana in a grocery store. Shana tells Chris to leave, but Chris takes it as someone talking to him.

Outside Waynesworth Enterprises, Chris meets Melanie and befriends her. Sometime later, he tries to enter the Game Wars store, only to be stopped by police.

Years later, Chris sends a letter to Jones about their parents' passing, ranting about other stuff along the way.

Soon, he meets Vivian and Kid's family, acting the same way he did in the beginning. After that day, they never see each other again.

Years later, Vivian has married [[Clyde Cash|Clyde]] and calls Kid, only for her to tell her to watch [[TV]]. On there, Chris has held an employee hostage inside a mall as the cops attempt to free his hostage and take him down.

Years later, he's locked up in an mental institution, incompetent to stand trial. After having a dream he thinks is from God, he leaps through a window to his death.

No one comes to his funeral.

== Characters ==

'''Christopher Winnifred Vega''' - Analogue to Christian Weston Chandler and main antagonist of the story. He becomes president through the machinations of a group of [[trolls|Chinese]] seeking to bring down the US. In the original timeline, Chris is killed in the destruction of his bunker. In the reverted timeframe, he throws himself out of a window thanks to a dream.

'''Kid''' - The main protagonist of the story. Her life is changed throughout the story as she's put on the run by Chris. In the end, she attempts to kill Chris, but allows him to die by his own stupidity. She is presumed killed in the nuclear fallout in the original time frame. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Vivian''' - Analogue to Vivian Gee and Kid's older sister. Goes on the run, then attempts to kill Chris. She is killed by the radiation fallout around Washington. In the reverted time frame, she ends up marrying a gang member named Clyde.

'''Miles and Mimi''' - Vivian and Kid's parents. When they go to protect Melanie from Chris's wrath, they are considered terrorists and are hunted down. Miles is killed protecting his family and Mimi is killed in the nuclear assault. In the reverted time line, their meeting with Chris goes sour and they never see him again.

'''Melanie''' - Analogue to Megan Schroeder. She is the reason Chris ends up becoming president. She has a child with Jones named Matt. She is presumed killed in the final nuclear attack in the original time frame. In the reverted time line, she is able to get away from Chris and ends up befriending Jones.

'''Jones Brimley''' - Analogue to Cole Smithy and Chris's half-brother. He goes to great lengths to protect Kid's family and Melanie from Chris's attacks. He is killed trying to protect Vivian from Chris. In the reverted time line, he's a popular writer and ends up befriending Melanie.

'''Karen Vega''' - Chris's half-sister. A genius who was forced to work for Chris after his election. She ends up giving Kid a suit that allowed her to enter Washington. She is killed by the radiation dust around the city. In the reverted time frame, she becomes President.

'''Shana''' - Analogue to Ann McLerran. She joins Kid's family after rescuing Melanie and Matt. She is killed by the radioactive dust. In the reverted time frame, she is proposed by Jim

'''Jim''' - A police officer and possible analogue to [[Bagget]]. He attempts to arrest Shana, only to let her go. He joins in the rescue of a number of children. In the reverted time line, he proposes to Shana.

'''Clyde''' - Analogue to [[Clyde Cash]] and a gang leader. He takes Kid and Matt hostage and attempts to get Mimi and Miles instead. He is killed in the ensuing scuffle. In the reverted time frame, he marries Vivian.

'''Mr. Mays''' - Analogue to [[BILLY MAYS]]. He was one of the teachers for Chris's mandated dating education. He ends up leading the charge to save the children. In the reverted universe, he ditches teaching and becomes a spokesman.

'''Cameron''' - a student in one of Chris's date ed classes. He is taken away for reprogramming for thinking gay thoughts. In the reverted time frame, he admits his feelings to a girl, then ends up deciding to smoke, thanks to one of Mr. Mays's commercials.

'''"cogs"''' - Analogue to cogsdev. Ends up filling out a form for kicks, only to be dragged in to be another one of Chris's wives-to-be. When she reveals she can't bear children, she's killed. In the reverted time frame, she lives a pretty normal life.

'''Rabbichosos''' - Analogue to Sonichu, Rosechu and the Chaotic Combo. Comprised of [[Sonichu|Rabbichoso]], [[Rosechu|Bunnichoso]], [[Wild|Grass Rabbichoso]], [[Angelica|Holy Bunnichoso]], [[Bubbles|Water Bunnichoso]], [[Punchy|Fighting Rabbichoso]], [[Magi-chan|Psychic Rabbichoso]] and [[Blake|Thomas]], they make up Chris's Cabinet.

'''Matt''' - Jones and Melanie's baby son. Named by Kid. Does not exist in the reverted timeline.

== Sources ==
<references/>

==The original text==

* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH1-5-102863247 Chapters 1 - 5]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-CH6-10-103157555 Chapters 6 - 10]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-11-14-103719474 Chapters 11 - 14]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-15-19-104009914 Chapters 15 - 19]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-20-24-104743076 Chapters 20 - 24]
* [http://vivig.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Brought-Down-World-25-END-104952905 Chapter 25 (Final)]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AGirlWhoBroughtDownTheWorld TV Tropes]

{{Sonichu}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Girl Who Brought Down the World}}
[[Category:Trolling]]

Chris and the law

2013-06-23T13:58:21Z

Dann Woolf: /* Understanding */

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:116-CWCCop.jpg|thumb|Chris aways keeps an eye out for criminal scum who would dare steal [[Sonichu]].]]

'''Laws''' are rules established by a society to protect its members and ensure the orderly function of society. Their observance is usually maintained by [[Jerkops|law enforcement]] and penalties are placed on those who disobey the laws.

For [[Chris]], however, these just serve as another deterrent in his endless quest for [[china]].

==Understanding==
{{quote|I have been giving him reasons since the police came in June of [[2008]], and nothing has sunken into that [[Hello, Juffalo|clown head]] of his.|[[Michael Snyder]]<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/all_comments?v=6odVsyr3I40]</ref>}}

[[Image:Impliedshooting.jpg|thumb|left|Brutality- [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|Godmode!Chris]]'s solution to Law Enforcement.]]

Like his grip on [[Chris and reality|reality]], Chris's understanding of the law is uneasy at best, and dangerously naïve at worst . He regularly threatens trolls with legal action, and makes no distinction in severity between a troll [[Ivy Q&A|threatening violence]] against Chris and a troll uploading a harmless picture of [[Rosechu]] with a [[pickle]] to the Internet. As a matter of fact, Chris himself is prone to making [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|extremely violent threats]], such as [[Sign Destruction Video|threatening to murder]] [[Vivian]] and her entire family because of the [[audiobooks]]. He's done everything from calling the police to convincing his father to write to then-[[George W. Bush|President Bush]] in an attempt to get rid of his [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] page. He has even attempted (poorly) to impersonate the President in a hilarious attempt to convince the trolls at ED to take down his page,<ref>http://encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Chris-chan&diff=prev&oldid=1997405266</ref> and has attempted to contact current [[Barack Obama|President Obama]] to stop people from posting gay ads. Chris also believes that the laws in [[CWCville]] and the laws stated in [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] should be enforced ''in real life.''<ref>[[Mailbag 55#Draconian fun!]]</ref>

Chris himself doesn't have much respect for laws and rules, at least when [[Chris and hypocrisy|their enforcement inconveniences him]]. During his time at [[Get-Tar Region|Target]] he didn't see anything wrong with exploiting the free refill policy and loitering for hours at a time in a privately-owned establishment while harassing female customers and apparently [[Attraction Sign|soliciting sex]]. Chris feels that his [[Virgin with Rage|emotional state]] entirely justifies his actions at times, stating in [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]] that he should be excused for disturbing the peace by literally shouting "NOOOOOOO!" loudly in the middle of a crowded mall.<ref>[[Sonichu 1#Sub-Episode 2: Christian Chandler in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart"]]</ref>

Self-contradictory to a fault, though, Chris is happy to meticulously follow some laws while ignoring others at the same time. In [[Sonichu Special 4]], his cartoon avatar makes a point of obeying the speed limit...while on his way to confront [[Liquid Chris]] and commit assault with a [[Megatron Pistol|deadly weapon]] upon him. Any intelligent and decent person could tell you which of these laws is more important, but Chris is neither intelligent nor decent. In a [[May 2010]] video, Chris states that he believes a man who brutally beat his girlfriend to death with his bare hands deserved twenty years in prison for his crimes, which is just twice the penalty he wants for [[Tobacky|smoking]].<ref>[[05142010]]</ref>

In addition, Chris has very little respect for [[Jerkops|those who enforce the law]]:

{{quote|Verbal Combat had started, and during the fight, I ran off, still giving verbal punishment, as well as da finger, and many “[[Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha]]s.” I nearly backed up onto him with my car, and I gave him another finger. Then I dashed off.|Excerpt from Chris's [[CWC's Diary|diary]]}}

The above quote pretty much defines Chris's attitude towards law enforcement officials. He feels that it is completely appropriate to flip off, insult, and [[lie]] to people who are simply doing their jobs. And, of course, as any rational person (i.e. anyone who's not Chris) would understand, running away from law enforcement officials is a seriously bad idea. Chris is truly a rebel without a cause or effect.

The correspondence with Jackie revealed that in the trial on the [[Target]] incident, Chris thought that his work with the [[The_GAMe_PLACe#Chris_the_TCG_gamer|Pokémon TCG League]] let him off the hook.<ref>[[Jackie e-mails Part 2#Chris_lies_about_The_Game_Place]]</ref> In reality, the court probably acquitted him either on a technicality or insufficient evidence. Chris probably mentioned the volunteer work because he believed a person's merits, no matter how unrelated, would automatically make one innocent of all charges. It is also telling that he recounted the charge as "Soliciting", whereas the actual charge was "Disorderly Conduct"; he feels that he was only persecuted because of his [[Love Quest]] efforts, and not because he was tard raging.

==Legal troubles==

===2004===
On 11 September [[2004]], Chris was detained at [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]] for loitering, and continually arguing with the staff over a number of months. The incident is depicted in [[Sub-Episode 1]]. Chris was banned from returning to the mall on his own and without his parents' company. However, it appears that this ban was lifted or ignored soon afterward.

===2005===
On 20 July [[2005]], Chris was charged with disorderly conduct<ref name="2005 Disorderly Conduct">[[:File:20050720-GC05009339-00.png|Disorderly conduct charge, 20 July 2005]]</ref> and trespassing<ref name="2005 Trespassing">[[:File:20050720-GC05009340-00.png|Trespassing charge, 20 July 2005]]</ref> at Target, as depicted in [[Sub-Episode 7]] and [[Sub-Episode 8]]. After two hearings,<ref name="2005 Disorderly Conduct" /><ref name="2005 Trespassing" /> prosecutors chose to drop the case and Chris was not punished.

Five days later, Chris caused an auto accident when he followed another car too closely and rear-ended it. This went to court on 12 September 2005.<ref name="2005 Following Too Close">[[:File:20050728-GT05011195-00.png|Following too close, 28 July 2005]]</ref> He was fined $30 and had to pay $56 in court costs.

===2010===
Chris's various run-ins at [[The GAMe PLACe]] have resulted in the cops being called on him a couple times. At least once after Chris called in his parents after he was initially banned from the location and tried to weasel his way back in, and again when he trespassed on the property, though he wasn't charged with anything on either occasion.<ref>[[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean]]</ref>

On 4 [[June 2010]], Chris made yet another pilgrimage to The GAMe PLACe. Chris was armed with his camera, and while Mike was concerned that Chris wanted pictures of his daughter for [[Mass Debating|disturbing reasons]], Chris maintains that he merely wanted a picture of Mike [[Death threats|for use as a dartboard]]. Still disturbing, but in entirely different ways. Chris was caught in the parking lot despite trying to run away, and was questioned by the police, who made him delete the pictures he had taken, and basically told him to quit his shit. Chris made his [[6 June 2010]] video in response to these events.

===2011===
In a [[May 2011]] [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] post, Chris said that he has begun to use the ladies' restroom at his local mall while dressed in drag; he recounts an incident in which ''"a woman complains and tattles on me, and a [[JERK|stereotypical Brute male]] shouts me out. I felt embarassed. When in skirt, I am still gonna go to the Ladies, because there is no goin' back for me."'' This supposed brute male may or may not have been with [[Jerkop|mall security]].

In his [[Calling Out|three new videos]] posted after 8-month-long hiatus from YouTube he tries to do something which some viewers of ''The Chandler Show'' believe to be blackmail. Chris admitted it by typing word ''blackmail'' in tags for last of them; however trolls hoping for a lawsuit [[saga]] shouldn't get their hopes up, because it's unlikely any of the [[trolls]] threatened by it would want to report him, given that they've all been trying to get him back onto the internet for months and wouldn't want to drive him off again. Not to mention Chris probably doesn't have anything on them at all. Note that under Virginia law, his demands are more likely to be considered extortion (still a class five felony) rather than blackmail.

In the same video, Chris also point blank accused [[Michael Snyder]] of molesting his own daughter, all while admitting that he doesn't have any concrete proof of his allegation. Given how prone he is to accusing others of slandering him (aka pointing out his bad qualities that are extremely evident to everyone but Chris), Chris's accusations are very hypocritical. If Michael Snyder did want to sue Chris in civil court, he would indeed have a case against him as Chris's allegations are textbook defamation. However, it's questionable what Snyder would win in litigation, aside from a [[PS3]], numerous children's [[toys]] and the five or so dollars in Chris's bank account.

On [[28 October 2011]], Chris ended up in the worst possible scenario, netting a felony charge and two misdemeanors in what appears to be a ''third'' attempt to enter the GAMe PLACe. It appears that the Virginia justice system had finally run out of patience.

As a direct result of his October 28 run in with Michael Snyder, Chris had found both himself and his [[barb|mother]] on the receiving end of a civil suit. Having been sentenced to community service and put under a probation, and being charged with paying Snyder's medical bills, this may very well have been the first time that he has felt ramifications for his accusations and threats. However, it is much more likely that he simply [[Chris and his ego|doesn't care]], or still feels as if he were the [[Kick the autistic|real victim]] in all of this.

===2012===

[[File:Card.PNG|thumb]]

On 4 [[February 2012]], it was revealed on his [[Facebook]] that Chris no longer has respect for ''any'' sort of law enforcement after the events of [[28 October 2011]], officially deeming everyone who upholds the law a [[Jerkop]]. At the same time, he revealed another encounter with the boys in blue that day. As he attempted to pass out fliers while at the mall, encouraging others to stay away from the Game Place, two Jerkops (or as Chris puts it, "a Jerkop and an accomplice") approach him. Despite the officers simply wanting to talk to him and letting him know he wasn't in any trouble, Chris's paranoia kicked in and he ran. While the story Chris gives seem to hint that the officers just wanted to tell him to knock off the distribution of fliers, Chris believed otherwise, citing that one of them called out his name and making him think they wanted to post another encounter with him on the Internet. He escaped by diving into a Mitsubishi, most likely replacing the dying piece of scrap that is [[Son-Chu]], and driving off.

On the 12th April, Chris [[Virgin_with_rage#No_longer_a_virgin_.28no_word_on_the_rage.29|announced the loss of his virginity]], giving off strong hints that he had slept with a hired prostitute. He all but [[Facebook#Hey.2C_Trollies|confirmed this]] on the 1st May, when he said that he 'found her on the backpage', a website that solicits prostitutes. In the state of Virginia, this constitutes a Class 1 Misdeameanor and is therefore illegal. It is unknown whether or not Chris is aware of this, but it's very likely that if he is, [[Fuck Quest|he simply doesn't care.]]

On 28 [[April 2012]], Chris revealed another incident in the mall. Prior to his Facebook note on 30 [[March 2012]], Chris got into a shouting match with a troll on his cell phone at the mall. The shouting did not go unnoticed, and Chris ran for it once security was called in. On 25 April, Chris received a ban from the mall,<ref>[[Facebook#Maniacal Laughter from Who now? Oh, wait, It Is ME! >8D]]</ref> though it is unknown if it was for that incident or an incident that happened between those two dates.

On 10 [[July 2012]], Chris was arraigned in court for the [[28 October 2011]] incident. After calling Snyder a "thieving liar" in the courtroom, Chris was sentenced to community service and is under a one-year probation. If he does not comply, he will go to jail. He was also ordered to pay Snyder's medical bills.

==Chris's parents and law==

It's not hard to figure out why Chris thinks the law should serve him and him alone. His parents, too, have the same problem.

* When Chris was thrown out of the [[Wikipedia:Cub Scouting (Boy Scouts of America)|Cub Scouts]] after an [[autism|unknown incident]], his parents attempted to sue the [[Wikipedia:Boy Scouts of America|Boy Scouts of America]] for [[Kick the autistic|discrimination]].<ref>[[Mailbag 18]]</ref>
* When Chris threw a tantrum that required him to be restrained, Bob attempted to sue the school.<ref>[http://208.210.219.132/stars/mainmenu.jsp;jsessionid=0000XHMY2MEVFIV0HN4N1CX0EQA:ulnfn1uq], case 0438-94-2</ref>
* When [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] took a picture of Chris and uploaded it to the Internet, Chris's parents threatened them with legal action (but never followed through).
* When [[Snorlax]] thought she had indigestion (actually [[Wikipedia:colitis|colitis]]), she acted like she was going to sue the Chinese place the food came from. When the doctor actually explained what happened, she dropped the subject.
* Chris inherited his love of running from problems - when his parents had their absurd case against Greene County used against them, their first reaction was to run to another county.<ref>[[Greene County Conspiracy]]</ref>
* When [[Asperchu|Alec]] called the Chandler household posing as [[GAMe PLACe]] employee Matthew Noble, they claimed that taking pictures of somebody without their knowledge or consent was "Not illegal." It is ironic, given that they threatened to sue Mimms and Lucas for exactly the same thing.<ref name="Matthew Noble call">[[Matthew Noble call]]</ref>
* During that same call, Bob seems to completely disregard the concept that an individual can be barred from private property, saying, "it's a business place," as though that has any more bearing on the law and how it affects his son than, say, the color of the store's walls.<ref name="Matthew Noble call"/>
* On [[28 October 2011]], Barb was arrested for not only fleeing the scene of an accident, but also felony assault on a police officer, a crime that a remotely sensible person would never commit due to the serious consequences attached to it (mandatory minimum of six months' imprisonment on conviction); however, the recent death of her husband, her age, ill-health and dependent son probably helped earn her clemency.
*On 10 [[July 2012]], Barb was arraigned in court for her participation in the 28 October 2011 incident. She was sentenced to community service and is under a two year probation.

==Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws==
[[Image:AL cover.gif|thumb|Where Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws come from.]]
As he believes the police in real life are corrupt and sees them in the same light as he sees the [[jerkop]]s in his comic, Chris has his own spin on the law. The penalties for [[Alcohol|drinking]], [[Tobacky|smoking]] and [[troll|internet harassment]] involve physical violence including a "Kick in the Teeth" which Chris portrays as a punch in the first and only of his supposed series of Q&A videos.<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008|the only one]]</ref>

On 31 [[December 2009]], Chris presented a nice babble about a law he wants made to prevent [[Jack Thaddeus]] from using adspace he paid for.

{{quote|I Have The Instinct, and I Have Already [[CWC-ism|Snail-Mailed]] President Barack Obama on how this sort of bad advertisement is going on and how it is Wrong and should be made Illegal. On HOW if the Main Captain does not WANT or IS OFFENDED with the listed Ads within his own Website or Works, REGARDLESS of who controls the AdSpace, WOULD REMOVE THOSE ADS or face JAILTIME. And the F.B.I. would be FULLY INVOLVED in all this, and THEY have the Power, Tools and Balls to seek, hunt down and bring in the Individual Internet Trolls and Ad-Spammers.|Chris, [[Chris and his Ego|Thinking he's important]]}}

Yes, you heard it right. Chris wants to ask the President of the United States to make [[Chris and Reality|advertisements he doesn't like illegal.]] From a practical standpoint, CWCipedia is the only wiki that has a "Main Captain." This "Main Captain" does literally nothing to run or maintain the site at all. Furthermore, if someone paid for adspace, the host that received the money must allow the purchasing party to use said adspace for the allotted time, no matter what they advertise, or the host faces legal penalties. And last but not least, the President has better things to do than slap laws on wikis. It also escapes Chris's mind that the President doesn't make law. He would have had a better chance if he had mailed his congressman. He of course, will never bother.

This attitude is also reflected on his relationship with [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. [[2003|Years ago]], she interrupted Chris in what looked like [[Love Quest#Conflicts with Mary Lee Walsh|soliciting for sex]]. [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hilarity ensued]] and Chris received a well-deserved [[Autism papers|time-out]] for [[Chris and anger|his antics]]. Fast-forward in [[2009]] when Chris, out of the blue decides to make peace. He went to her office and left her a [[:File:Apology to Mary Lee.jpg|"Framed Hand-Drawn Apology"]] on her doorstep.<ref>[[One Blessing, and One Curse|out of the blue]]</ref> Knowing Chris's attitude, she filled a trespassing notice. In pure [[autistic]] logic, Chris said that since he didn't read the letter and returned it to the sender, he's not liable.<ref>[[Mailbag 26]]</ref>

[[Mailbag 55]] posits a few more original laws: one, that it should be illegal for [[Jerks|men]] to ever show their [[Reldnahc|bare chest]] (because, according to Chris, no one in the entire world ever wants to see a man's bare chest, disregarding [[women]], [[Homos|gay men]] and boxing enthusiasts), and two he wants to [[Women's rights|force all women]] in any kind of relationship to wear rings, thus defeating all symbolism and significance of them.

Due to Chris being forced away from the Internet, Chris began to formulate a new law, the "Bill for Anti Online Bad-Mouthing," starting with his second [[Flipnote Hatena|Flipnote]], [[Don'tGetTrolled!]]. What this entails is unknown, but by the sounds if it, he wishes for a law where no one can ever speak up against anyone in a negative tone, thus allowing Chris to continue to have his e-peen stroked while the trolls can't touch him. While there have been laws that punish those that lead to others being harmed via the Internet, the Bill for Anti Online Bad-Mouthing is one of the most ridiculous ideas ever, as it leads to a complete and utter smashing of the [[Wikipedia:Bill of Rights|Bill of Rights]], specifically [[Wikipedia:Freedom of Speech|Freedom of Speech]].

TL;DR: Chris ignores the law when it's inconvenient, yet expects it to save the day when the [[Autism]] card doesn't work.

==In the comic==
Chris's understanding of the law in his comics goes so far as to been seen as a mixture of childish tendencies and, some might say, authoritarianism. In [[CWCville]], Chris has banned a number of things in his city. [[Tobacky|Smoking]] or drinking [[alcohol]] would lead one to be either sentenced to ten years in prison or a much more lenient US$1,500 fine (although, as [[CWCville]] uses C-Quarters and W-Quarters for currency, it's not clear why fines are levied in US dollars).<ref name="Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008">[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008]]</ref> Indeed, importing tobacco or alcohol is the most serious crime in the city, apparently receiving a greater punishment than murder or rape.<ref name="Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008"/> However, it should be noted that Chris [[Rollin' and Trollin'|repealed the law against alcohol]] in [[June 2009]].

The Rosechus tend to fight for [[women's rights]], that is to say, the ability to strip naked whenever and wherever they want to, not to mention the fact that full legal rights for women are already established across the US, suggesting that Chris has imposed discriminating laws against women in CWCville.

Chris has been seen as a do-nothing Mayor, preferring to have [[Allison Amber|his secretary]] do all the work (as per his thoughts on women) while he goes off on another one of his sweetheart searches. He has mandated "[[Dating Education]]" classes for students so that they can learn to go on dates, as well as how to "stay straight."

[[List_of_Sonichu_characters#Constables_Gerald_Grant_and_Louis_Perez|Actual police officers]] did not appear until [[Sonichu 10|quite late]] and even then, they did nothing whatsoever, giving the impression that Chris and his [[Pokémon]] abominations are the only thing standing between peace and eternal virgins with rage. However, [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu #9'']] seems to reveal that there are three sets of "other" protectors: a (possibly) nondescript police force (distinct from [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s [[jerkops]]), as well as his own team of [[Power Rangers]] and a team of [[Transformers]].

{{quote|Is CWCville under Martial Law?|[[Jack Thaddeus]] citing the truth as he sees it}}

It gets even scarier. In conversation with [[Jack Thaddeus]], he revealed that CWCville is the home of a paramilitary force equipped with tanks which he uses as a "Police Force", and all his [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]] enjoy immunity from prosecution and are above the law.<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]</ref> If we add all this to the fact that there are no free elections in CWCville, this shows us the city in the hands of an insane, tyrannical dictator running it with an iron fist, and backed with super-powered goons who are free to do any atrocity with impunity. According to Chris, [[Magi-Chan]] mentally scans the city perimeters for any sexual acts, and reports any [[homos|homosexual]] activity to the authorities. The participants are then "tried and fined HEAVILY; $500 or 50 Hours of Community Service."<ref>[[Mailbag 31#Magi-Chan knows when you fuck]]</ref> Apparently in CWCville, the [[Wikipedia:Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution]] does not apply in matters of personal sexual choice, and neither does the [[wikipedia:Lawrence v. Texas|U.S. Supreme Court ruling]] finding sodomy laws to be unconstitutional.

In a strange [[Chris and hypocrisy|set of double standards]], Chris has been shown to injure, kill, or damage people and property ''outside of CWCVille''. [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu #10'']] has shown no less than four grievous acts upon others: the destruction of the [[4-cent garbage]] building, the murder of over one hundred alleged "trolls" in said destruction, breaking and entering, and destroying Internet files and property. There was no evidence to suggest that this act of mass murder was even investigated by the authorities, and the comic portrays this act of [[terrorism]] as Chris heroically defeating a gang of criminals.

Following the death of [[Simonla]], the culprits ([[Alec]], [[Mao]], [[Sean]] and [[Evan]]) are subjected to a show trial, and given no defense attorney by the state (violating the [[Wikipedia:Sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Sixth Amendment]]) forcing Sean to act as their lawyer despite being [[Tobacky|high as a kite]]. There is no solid evidence presented for the murder charge, aside from the Voltorb remote (which the prosecutor never tried to prove belonged to them) and wholly unreliable "psychic evidence" extracted by Magi-Chan. When they're railroaded and found guilty, they're ''killed by the people they've wronged'' (read: murdered brutally by cartoon characters), in a gross violation of the [[Wikipedia:Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Eighth Amendment]] forbidding cruel and unusual punishment.

Demonstrating Chris's limited understanding of trials (as his knowledge of trials stems purely from television), the kangaroo court integrates both elements of civil and criminal trials. The Asperpedia Four are not only prosecuted for murder by a [[Marvey Blaziken|state attorney]], as per a criminal trial, but also charged with defamation of character, libel, and copyright infringement (as well as several charges such as "profanity to the max" that would hold no water in an actual court) by Chris and his cohorts, as per a civil trial. Surely enough, Chris, Sonichu, and Rosechu are sitting in a bench marked "PLAINTIF" [sic]. That both civil and criminal charges are included in one trial not only demonstrates a poor understanding of the courtroom process, but is further proof that Chris considers "slanderous mockeries" and other torts on par with major crimes such as murder and assault. To add to the equation, one cannot be given a death sentence (or any sentence, for that matter) for being guilty in a civil trial, but in the Asperpedia Four trial civil charges are the primary reason for the death sentence. In summary, the CWCville court system is a constitutional nightmare that violates multiple articles and amendments, and has no concept of due process. One must wonder why it is allowed to exist within the borders of the U.S.

tl;dr: Any semblance of law in CWCville exists solely to further the wishes of its tyrannical (and murderous) Mayor.

== Sources ==
<references />

==See also==
*[[Parody]]
*[[Jerkop]]
*[[Manajerk]]
*[[Chris and copyright]]

{{Chris and}}

Autism

2013-06-21T15:09:30Z

Dann Woolf: /* Chris on the causes of autism */

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[File:Auti.PNG|thumb|Odd that he respects [[Chris and copyright|trademarks]] when he feels like it...]]
{{quote|It sometimes takes me a long while before I can fully comprehend and make an appropriate reaction. In another word, '''I am Sometimes Retarded'''.|Chris, on himself.<ref>6th paragraph down: http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Homosexuality</ref>}}
{{quote|I'm POSSIBLY [[retarded]]...|Chris on his autism, [[Mumble]] chat 23 February 2009}}
{{quote|I'M RETARDED|Chris, [[CWC - Exposing Jeff]]}}

[[Image:086-BionicFlag.jpg|thumb|[[Bionic the Hedgehog]] "conquering" autism (and "ATScI3") by confusing windmills with watermills.]]
[[Image:461-AutismFight.jpg|thumb|Chris at war with autism (or "ATSIMU") in [[China]]. Too bad you can't fight cannons with [[fangs]].]]
[[Image:Autismcard.jpg|thumb|He plays this card a lot.]]
::''For the song, see [[A-U-T-I-S-M]].''
'''Autism''' is a spectrum of neurological disorders involving the impairment of social interaction and communication. The cause of autism is unknown, but has been shown to have multiple genetic factors. The symptoms usually manifest before the age of 3 and are generally irreversible; there is no known cure, although the condition can be treated. Autistic individuals are generally not retarded — they mostly have average intelligence — although obviously severe social impairment can coincide with stunted learning and development. [[Asperger syndrome]] is generally considered part of the autistic spectrum; individuals with Asperger syndrome generally have above-average intelligence, although they still suffer from the social and communicative impairments. Prognosis depends on the severity of the autism and the effectiveness of its treatment; autistic people may learn to live relatively normal, productive lives or they may have become so unable to function in society that they must be institutionalized.

[[Christian Weston Chandler]] has built much of his identity around being autistic. His terror of being associated with severely autistic/retarded people causes him to be overly eager to prove his basic competence and cite his success in primary and secondary education. At the same time, his pride from accomplishing these things in spite of his disability has conditioned him to demand outrageous praise for his slightest efforts and infinite patience for his gravest errors. Moreover, Chris's belief that the entire Greene County Board of Education continues to irrationally persecute him for his autism has left him suspicious of opposing points of view and resolute that anti-autistic prejudice is the reason for any of his setbacks. In short, it is impossible to understand Chris's [[Chris and anger|defensiveness]], [[stress|hypersensitivity]], [[Chris and his Ego|narcissism]], [[Chris and remorse|irresponsibility]], [[Man in the Pickle Suit|paranoia]], [[100 2178|victimhood]], and [[Story of My Current Days|self-pity]] without understanding his relationship with autism.

Chris, in typical Chris fashion, not only seems to think that having autism imbues him with a [[Chris and his Ego|special significance]], but also seems to think that his autism is different from that of every other person in the world who has autism. Because, you know, everything to do with Chris has to be [[slow-in-the-minds|special]]. Because he's autistic, Chris is, naturally, better than everyone else (because having autism automatically makes him a genius), and everyone should acknowledge how utterly brilliant he is. At the same time, Chris is not responsible for anything he ever does wrong, because he is autistic and that means it's not his fault if he [[Twin Falling Towers|does]] [[SheCameForCWC.jpg|stupid]] [[Piedmont_Virginia_Community_College#Kicked_Out_of_College|things]].

==High-functioning vs. low-functioning==

Informally, autism may be subdivided into separate classifications based on the intelligence and degree of function the autistic individual possesses; i.e., high-functioning, medium-functioning, and low-functioning. Chris has latched onto this concept and will frequently qualify his condition, saying he has '''high-functioning autism''', or '''HFA'''. Generally, HFA is loosely defined as the ability to live in the mainstream world as opposed to being institutionalized, near-normal comprehension, fluent speech, and about-average intellect. This lets Chris have it both ways: you can't blame him for his failures because he has autism, but you can't treat him like he's retarded because he's ''high-functioning'' and therefore, nearly normal.

[[Trolls]] have often noted that the "high-functioning" qualifier is '''not''' a clinical diagnosis and is '''not''' recognized by the [[Wikipedia:DSM-IV|DSM-IV-TR]] or the [[Wikipedia:ICD-10|ICD-10]]. This usually goes hand-in-hand with questioning the severity and/or diagnosis of Chris's impairment, if not outright calling him a [[lie|liar]]. However, the Chandlers didn't make the "HFA" label up, and compared to kids who can barely speak and just walk in circles all day, Chris is relatively close to neurotypical. Semantics aside, though, even the most casual of observers would conclude that Chris is basically non-functioning.

Disgustingly, but perhaps not surprisingly, Chris detests [[Slow-in-the-minds|low-functioning autistics]] in the [[Chris and hypocrisy|exact manner]] that he fears normal people will detest him. In [[Mailbag 25#High functioning babble|Mailbag 25]], he compares those with low-functioning autism with those who suffer from severe retardation or severe brain damage, thinking that they would have their arms linked together, have deformations, be confined to wheelchairs or crutches and drool and grunt and growl. He has also described them with extremely cruel and derisive terms, calling them "WINDOWS TO HELL" and compared them to "zombies".<ref>[[Mailbag_5#In which Chris speaks ill of the handicapped|Mailbag 5]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag_11#Elevators are important for the handicapped, so they don't want any phobias|Mailbag 11]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag_25#High functioning babble|Mailbag 25]]</ref> The irony of his resentment toward 'Low Functioning' Autistic people is that he has a severely autistic cousin, as revealed in the [[autism papers]]; this probably means that either Chris is not aware of his own relatives (very probable), or he has disowned members of his own family on the basis of them having the same medical condition that he has (albeit more severely affected by it), being the autism-Nazi he is.

He explains that he refuses to date a girl with any form of autism because he fears that seeing them will make him think about what he might be like if he had anything other than high-functioning autism.<ref>[[Chris_chan_(CWCipedia)#Chris_Chan_on_sticking_things_up_b.2A.2A.2Ahole.|Chris chan (CWCipedia)]]</ref> Chris believes he can do much more than any low-functioning autistic could, even as he's living with [[Barbara Chandler|his mother]], has never had a real girlfriend, and [[Dirty, crapped briefs|shits his pants]] on a semi-regular basis.<ref>[[Mumble 3]]</ref>

Still, presuming Chris is autistic, he is high-functioning since he can talk. However, this also means that he has the same medical condition as [[Microsoft|Bill Gates]] and the creator of [[Pokémon]] amongst many others, yet he has failed to do anything with his life, hence proving that his vulgarity and failure are utterly his fault.

{{clear}}

==Onset and diagnosis of Chris's autism==

{{quote|No one GIVES A SHIT that you are autistic, they NEVER DID.|[[Jackie E-mails 23|Jackie]]}}
[[Image:SchuComic10P09.jpg|thumb|Now GodBearJesus can't get him to shut up.]]

Chris's version of how he developed autism is best explained in the [[Song of Christian]] video. There he explains how a [[Abusive babysitter|babysitter]] locked him in a room filled with toys at around age 1 1/2. After bawwwing for hours, he emerged from his lair unable to talk (which implies that Chris could talk before this incident, and that would be in direct contradiction to Chris's own parents stating that he never spoke until around the age of seven); as Chris himself puts it, "[[Chris and Religion|God]] put the mute button on me." Most specialists claim that these symptoms of autism begin to show around that age anyway,<ref>[[wikipedia:Autism#Characteristics|Wikipedia: Autism Characteristics]]</ref> so even if the events of the story happened, the babysitter didn't cause the autism. It is far, far more likely that one or both of Chris's parents simply looked for anyone to blame for Chris's sudden loss of language development.

It is not currently clear how Chris came to be considered as "autistic," although Chris has claimed that his parents possess official documentation about this in a safe. When pressed to release this information, he provided a [[autism papers|2004 psychiatric evaluation]] that states Chris was diagnosed with autism when he was "around age five or six." However, there's no way to be sure if the evaluator simply wrote down Chris's responses to his questions or independently verified them. (For example, Chris might not remember his exact age when he was diagnosed, but you'd think his medical records could be more precise than "five or six.") By the time of the Chandlers' legal battle with Greene County, Chris's autism seemed to have become a universally accepted fact, but the details of how, when, and where Chris was diagnosed remain a mystery.

When recounting his childhood, Chris usually skips straight from the "evil babysitter" incident to age seven, so we know very little about what (if any) treatment he received during this crucial period of development. In a [[CWCipedia]] [[mailbag]], Chris claims that when he was young, his parents were told he would never be able to read, write or function on a normal level. He and his doctors have now upgraded his condition to "high-functioning," but apparently his incredibly abysmal upbringing has actually allowed it to progress to mid-functioning at best. However, his characteristics and development throughout his life may put him in the "Childhood Disintegrative Disorder" category, as he has become worse and worse over the years.

In his "Song of Christian" video, he explains that his mother took him to the toy department and coaxed him to read aloud the names of Go-Bots, and later [[Transformers]]. Chris says he began speaking again when he was seven— that is, in [[1989]], when the Transformers line was on its last legs and the Go-Bots line had long since vanished. This would seem to indicate that this form of "therapy" had to have gone on for several years before producing any results.

{{clear}}

==Persecution==

Chris attended [[Greene County Primary School]], apparently without incident, from age 5 until age 9. Problems arose for him in the fourth grade at [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]], where he alleges that the faculty wanted to remove him from mainstream classrooms and send him to what he calls an institution. He also claims that the teachers at the school held him down and recorded his screams. Chris frequently cites this as evidence that the school was senselessly cruel towards him, for no reason apparent to him except an innate fear and distrust of autistic people. More probable, given Chris's ongoing behavioral issues, is that he forced the faculty to restrain him by refusing to restrain himself. There's no way to know if Greene Elementary treated Chris unfairly, but the incident does suspiciously resemble Chris's [[arrest]] in July 2005. The Chandlers sued to prevent the school board from removing Chris from mainstream education before ultimately relocating to Chesterfield County to continue Chris's mainstreaming there.

There's no way to know how much of Chris's attitude about the Greene County crisis is based on his personal recollections or what he was later told by his parents, who themselves seem unusually paranoid about the county's vendetta against their family. However, the result of the incident is clear: Chris emerged from adolescence firmly believing that many people not only misunderstand autistic people but hate and fear them. He seems to believe this prejudice is based not on a person's actions (e.g., throwing fits and irrationally screaming) but on a person's mere identification as autistic, regardless of function. Given Chris's fear of low-functioning autistics, he may in fact think this prejudice is perfectly justified, but wrongfully targeted at a high-functioning individual. Of course, in Chris's mind, he may as well be the only high-functioning autistic in the universe, so he is the one and only innocent victim in "everyone's favorite game, [[Kick the Autistic]]."

Chris's [[Chris and Rape|tactful and sensitive]] comments on a news story about a woman with [[Asperger Syndrome]] being raped revealed that he believes the media, like the rest of the world, has a bias against autism similar to [[wikipedia:Missing white woman syndrome|"Missing White Woman Syndrome"]], and that the story wouldn't have been reported if the victim was a woman with "proper" autism.

==Chris's symptoms==

Many [[troll]]s dispute the exact diagnosis of Chris's mental condition, on the basis that his observed behavior is inconsistent with various autistic people. CWC-related forums (and other forums, for that matter) have seen numerous testimonials about people who are undeniably autistic but nowhere near as fucked-up as Chris has turned out to be, and in general these forums do not consider Chris to be an example of what all autistic people are like. Quite often, autistics are indeed able to learn social skills to some small degree in the context of intellectual learning. Some can even come off as being completely neurotypical because they have come to realize that, while they believe "normal" behavior has a tenuous definition, they must adapt to others' expectations of what's acceptable if they wish to succeed in life. Chris, however, demonstrates a willful ignorance of normalcy, with a sense of entitlement coupled with an expectation that others should not only understand his ridiculous idiosyncrasies in the first place, but also accept them or even force [[Dating education|them]] upon others.

A layperson may come to the conclusion that Chris is not autistic, and he's just a regular (albeit idiotic) guy with a few "eccentricities" (more like psychotic), or jump to the other extreme and conclude that Chris has full-blown mental retardation. However, Chris's characteristics are most likely a combination of [[Barbara Chandler|bad parenting]] and genuine autism. The following are aspects of Chris's character that clearly match autistic tendencies:

[[Image:0695-AnnaBD9.JPG|thumb|right|Awkward body language, as Chris displays here, is a common trait of autism.]]
[[Image:0430-ChristianWTallStack2.jpg|thumb|Stacking objects is a common symptom of autism, and is often one of its first signs in a young child.]]

*Chris displays virtually no coherent, working theory of mind. This is the essence of autism: autistics have difficulty gauging others' internal, subjective thoughts, feelings, ideas, intents and so on; understanding that these might be different than their own; and predicting their behavior based on these differences. Indeed, the prefix "aut-" is a form of "auto-", meaning "self," as in "automobile," meaning "self-moving". In [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails|an email between Clyde Cash and him]], he sent Clyde a link to [[The MovingFoward videos|a video he made of himself destroying his PS3]]. He destroyed his PS3 under the egregiously mistaken impression that he'd be given $9,001 for it, which is in itself an indicator of his fundamental inability to gauge others' actual intents and future behavior. He filmed himself doing it specifically to prove to Clyde, who wasn't present for the destruction, that it happened according to the video's objective portrayal. However, he added that if Clyde showed the video to anyone Chris didn't mean to see it without paying him the money, "it can be considered [Clyde's] Word Alone, possible Movie Editing and Actors, and NOT Fact" as though the video would have any less evidential weight on others if he denied to them what he rightfully claimed to Clyde that it showed with enough certitude that he would give him thousands of dollars because of its being shown.

*Chris places disproportional importance on literal statements, another trait of autism. This is related to the above. Chris acted as though he could convince others of a fact contrary to videographic evidence simply by stating it. Another example is virtually the entire [[Liquid Chris#Liquid Saga|Liquid saga]], where Chris honestly, fervently, pathetically tried to demonstrate what was already blatantly obvious to everyone: that his name is not [[Ian Brandon Anderson]] and that Liquid was not him. He seemed to believe strongly enough [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|to become visibly frustrated]] that others might believe Liquid's statements in the face of the obvious that he had to continually counteract those statements with his own as though just the statements were the most important or most effective means of proving what everyone already knew.

*Chris is extremely gullible. While autistic people can have problems with social cues such as sarcasm, thus being gullible at times, Chris is much more gullible than other autistics, let alone ones that are high-functioning. This is more due to his [[Naïve|inexperience]]. One need only see his extensive [[list of sweethearts]] to see just how easily fooled he is. In addition, not only has he been fooled by trolls pretending to be girls, he has fallen for trolls pretending to be [[Shigeru Miyamoto]] and approaching him about making a Sonichu game. A telling statement comes from the aforementioned email to Clyde: "even if you upload the video yourself, it '''can be''' considered YOUR Word Alone[.]" (''emphasis added'') Chris might operate on the assumption that if a thing ''can be'' true, it's always reasonable to behave as though it ''is'' true no matter how slight the chance and no matter how much more likely it is to be false.

*Chris lacks a conversational filter. He calls this [[Honest Content|honesty]]; normal people call it social retardation. Without provocation he will tell you about his [[heterochromia|pinkeye]] and [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS]], and how he is a [[virgin with rage]]. Only when his [[Barbara|mother]] told him to knock it off did he actually give up telling everyone he's a virgin<ref>[[Chris-Chan_(CWCipedia)#Chris_in_Person_.28From_THEIR_Point_of_View.29]]</ref>.

*Chris can't show emotions well with facial expressions and body language. See [[CWC only accepts IN-PERSON FEMALE Encounters|his statement to the women of the world]] if you like having Chris haunt your dreams. His inability to display emotions on his face has been called a "[[The Creepy Stare|dead fish expression]]." When he does attempt to have an expression, it looks very cartoonish. He typically speaks in a monotone, and his attempts to sound expressive (see [[CWC's Message for Ivy]]) come off as creepy and unnatural.

*Chris has very poor facial and vocal recognition skills. [[Julie]] was a 13 year old boy using an obvious falsetto and Chris fell for it. In [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3|one chat]], the boy made no attempt to disguise his voice and Chris was none the wiser, disclosing personal sexual details. Two images of different people were used to represent [[Blanca Weiss]], and Chris didn't notice. In an [[Vanessa AIM Chat 9|AIM Chat]] with [[Vanessa Hudgens]], she sent him a link to pictures of Megan Fox, and Chris complimented her on them. It should be noted that the two have entirely different skin colors.

*[[White_knight#Chris_lacks_empathy_himself|Chris lacks empathy]] and concern for others. See his [[Chris's Plea to Clyde Cash|plea]] to Clyde. His suggestion after the loss of [[Ryan Cash]] was "find yourself a girlfriend." He asks for ED to [[Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007|please understand]] him, because he is an "innocent victim of misunderstanding"—he wants empathy from others, but he can't return the favor. Chris primarily sees other people in terms of what they can provide for him; when accused of overstepping his bounds or other wrongdoing, he has no concept of [[Chris and remorse|remorse or apology]] except as something he must do to continue receiving favors. When forced to apologize, he makes insincere apologies followed immediately by further demands.

*Chris has trouble developing relationships. Many neurotypical people have the same problem, but Chris is particularly inept at socializing. He has no filter on what he says and cannot empathize with others, key prerequisites for successfully interacting with people. He also pretty much just talks about himself.

*Chris thinks in absolutes and in terms of clearly defined steps in order to do something. He thinks there must be sex on or by the [[third date]]. He describes his sadness in terms of his [[heart level]] and briefly mentioned a [[Scale of Respect]]. He feels that if he just knows the correct steps to getting a [[sweetheart]], he will be able to find one easily. His [[dating education|crash-course in dating]] and [[Dating|suggestions to Blanca]] assume that a relationship should follow a rigidly predetermined progression instead of a natural flow.
**In the [[Jackie E-mails 23|final exchange of e-mails with Jackie,]] Chris responded to Jackie's frank descriptions of his habits and lifestyle by telling her she had exceeded the "Hurtful Truth Level"; While he knows he should be appreciative of hearing the truth about himself, this was the only way he could wrap his brain around the abstract idea enough to be able to tell her he thought she'd gone too far.

*Chris tends to use solipsistic neologisms; that is, he creates new words that only he himself understands and expects other people to comprehend them. Many articles on this very wiki have been written to explain the resulting [[CWC-isms]].

*Chris exhibits compulsive and repetitive behavior. He wears the same [[shirt]] for days at a time, and uses the same terms and [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor|exact]] [[boyfriend-free girl|phrases]] [[sweetheart from the ground-up|frequently]]. He feels the need to refer to people by their full names, plainly visible when he talks about himself, [[Clyde Cash]], or [[Adam Stackhouse]]. Other compulsive and repetitive behavior common with autism is strict following of rules, and near OCD like organization. Chris however, lives in a [[14 Branchland Court|filthy, unorganized house,]] makes comics with dialog bubbles in inappropriate places; and a very inconsistent plot, and disobeys the [[Chris and the law|law]] when it inconveniences him.

*Chris has an extremely narrow range of interests. He seems to only give a damn about video games, prowling for his next [[sweetheart]], his initials, and [[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]], so much to the point where he practically places [[Sonichu (character)|him]] somewhere in everything he creates. He often wishes to [[dating|combine]] two [[LBP#First Date Level|interests]].

*Although he does not demonstrate any [[Honor roll|competency]] with them, Chris has a fixation on numbers and statistics that would generally be irrelevant to others. He describes measures in concrete terms (e.g. "5 mies[sic] from the city"<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_0/Page_2</ref> instead of "outside the city"), and has a particular obsession with times and dates, timestamping nearly every scene in the comic and giving his characters birthdays that have no relevance to the plot (unless it becomes convenient to "[[pedofork|age up]]" the characters). Needless to say, Chris's tendency to blurt out exact dates and times (assuming he's not talking out of his ass) has made the job of [[CWChronology|CWCki chronologists]] much easier. On the other hand, his haphazard treatment of dates and times in the comic has led to countless [[continuity#Chronology|continuity errors]].

*Chris's given reasons for his love of [[My Little Pony]] are also indicative of autism. Autistics are drawn to physical sensations which give them a feeling of being 'grounded', and this is probably why Chris finds stroking the hair of these toys so "[[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|therapeutic]]".

*Chris lacks social awareness. One notable instance, as revealed in the [[autism papers]], was when two [[Niggos|African American]] ladies were speaking to Chris about his love quest, when Chris politely told them that they could not be his girlfriend because they were not white. Based on the report of the examiner, Chris believed he was merely informing the ladies as to his prerequisites for a potential sweetheart while oblivious to the fact he was being racially insensitive.<ref>[[Autism_papers#IDENTIFYING_STATEMENT:]]</ref>

*Unnatural relationships with inanimate objects are also a sign of autism; Chris has an evident obsessions with his [[medallion]], his [[PS3]], and any number of other items that clutter up his [[Chris's room|room]]. Since autistic people have difficulty maintaining relationships with people they often end up becoming emotionally dependent on objects, though this symptom is seen much more in children with autism.

*Chris also appears to have echolalia, a common symptom of autism. This means that he constantly repeats phrases from his favorite television shows, movies and video games, regardless of whether they fit the current situation. In some instances, he calls this [[Random access humor|"humor"]].

*One of the biggest symptoms of autism Chris displays is his fear and resistance to change, well beyond the point that it could be even related to his autism. Chris is reluctant to get or even look for a job as he has only worked [[Chris's resume|four months in his entire life,]] has never come close to moving out, has a very hard time selling or giving up his toys or shirts, wouldn't stick to a diet and exercise program, [[attraction Sign|doesn't try new ways to attract women,]] and has a very hard time coping with his banishment from [[the GAMe PLACe]]--where he would usually spend his Fridays. This might be resistance to change of his old life style of just going to school and coming home and playing video games, him trying to remain a child, or fear of failure. More than likely though this more to the fact that Chris is lazy, fat, selfish, naive, incompetent, refuses to grow up, and refuses to accept responsibility.

==Chris's misconceptions about autism==
It's not clear that Chris has any understanding of what, precisely, autism is, except that a) he has it, b) it's a bad thing, and c) he's a brave little boy for living with it. His song [[A-U-T-I-S-M]] sums up his attitudes about the disorder:

{{quote|A-U-T-I-S-M: what does it mean? Silence and friends unseen! A few brains as well: that is autism! And that makes us seem special to you!|Chris, attempting to spell out autism in more ways than one}}

To Chris, that's all it is — a condition that makes you a bit smarter than normal human beings and mysteriously makes people not want to be your friend.

Chris also seems to only be aware of the symptoms of autism that fit in with his odd, pseudo-Bohemian lifestyle. Asexuality is very common in autistic people; this is because any form of romance or sex is too intimate for an autistic mind to cope with. This completely contradicts Chris's "[[Love Quest]]" and suggests that he is actually trying to compensate for his inability to feel true sexual attraction, even if that means becoming a genuinely disturbing pervert.

Chris [[Aspergers (CWCipedia article)|considers himself to have "Helped cultivate the First Generation of Autistic People",]] suggesting that he believes [[Chris and his Ego|the disorder did not even exist before he was born]].

In a [[May 2010]] [[Some Favored Comedians|video]], he stated that our society is spending so much time on the internet that ''everyone'' is becoming autistic.<ref>[[Toucher and Rich Segment#Chris's Response|Chris responds to Toucher and Rich, May 2009]]</ref><ref>[[Some Favored Comedians]]</ref> This further proves that people with little to no social contact shouldn't attempt social commentary.
That, and Chris has no fucking clue what his own disorder is actually ''like''. More recently he tried to use this excuse to guilt trip [[Jackie]] into being sorry for yelling at him, which worked as well as you'd expect.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 23]]</ref>

===Chris on the causes of autism===
There's a broad scientific consensus that autism largely arises from genetic factors. Chris's own case is consistent with the theory that children born to older parents are at greater risk of developing autism.<ref>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_autism#Genetics</ref> Bob and Barb were 54 and 40, respectively, when Chris was conceived.

Chris's own expressed views on the root causes of autism are all over the map. He's espoused a few different theories at different times and in different situations. His oldest theory, dating back to the [[Song of Christian]] in the late 1990s, is that the [[abusive babysitter]] was responsible for his condition. In more recent years (specifically, during [[Mumble 3|his arguments with]] [[Clyde Cash]] in early 2009), he said that "scientifically speaking, [autism] has possibly come from a drug, or otherwise it may possibly be genetic", and that the babysitter incident merely "brought out the, uh, curse that was buried within me."

When explaining his condition to [[Father Call|Matt Devoria]] late in the fall of 2009, Chris insisted that autism has no genetic factors. In that instance, however he had an obvious agenda. He hoped to convince Matt that any children he fathered with Matt's daughter [[Kacey]] wouldn't wind up inheriting his condition; because of this, it's difficult to say exactly how sincere he happened to be at that moment.

To muddle the issue even ''further'', in [[Mailbag 12]], Chris blamed the cause of autism on a shot "the doctor's [sic] optionally give to the child after birth", apparently in reference to the highly disputed urban myth alleging that childhood vaccinations lead to autism. It's not likely that Chris even has that much of an awareness of the facts and assertions of said myth, and was probably looking for a throwaway excuse to deny any hereditary factors.

In his [[Autism Tutorial Part 1|Autism Tutorial]] from early 2011, Chris slewed back toward a more mainstream view, discussing the genetic factors behind autism and complaining about how his parents conceived him late in life. He also, however, warned viewers that smoking, drinking, or exposure to car exhaust could cause dangerous genetic damage that might result in autistic children.

===Chris versus Asperger syndrome===
{{see also|Asperger syndrome}}

Chris is easily outraged by any attempt to associate or confuse autism, high-functioning or otherwise, with Asperger syndrome, a similar condition now considered by many experts to overlap with HFA on the autistic spectrum. (In fact, it has been proposed that Asperger syndrome be placed on the autism spectrum in the new DSM-V, making both the condition and "high-functioning autism" one and the same.<ref>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM-V#Asperger_syndrome</ref>) At times, Chris has stated that he dislikes Asperger syndrome because sufferers of the disorder supposedly steal sympathy away from autism awareness. He has also claimed that the name is too close to "ass burger" or "ass booger" for his taste. In the early days of the CWCipedia Mailbag, asking Chris about Asperger syndrome was the most effective way to troll him; this culminated in the creation of [[Asperchu]].

In the present, Chris simply hates Asperger syndrome because it reminds him of how angry he got the last time someone brought it up - in other words, a completely unjustifiable opinion. Chris has declared himself "close-minded" on the subject, dismissing all scientific opinion contrary to his own, and angrily refuses to be convinced that he does not occupy a more favorable (exactly what that means depends on whether Chris is looking for pity or adulation at the time) tier of the spectrum.

==Chris on autism education==
Chris is a firm believer in mainstream education for children with autism, a trait he doubtlessly picked up from his parents, who went to [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|incredible lengths]] to keep him in mainstream classrooms throughout his school years. Aside from speech therapy lessons intended to help him recover from his period of muteness as a child, as far as the available records indicate, Chris has never received any sort of special education geared towards dealing with his autism or related issues.

[[Mailbag 12|When asked for his advice on how to raise an autistic child]], Chris replied "...Most Importantly, MAINSTREAM; let your child be free to communicate and associate with the Normal Society. Special Education is okay, but that will not do in the longest run." Later, [[Mailbag 15|for advice on how "to succeed despite being afflicted with Asperger's"]], Chris's only response was, "My advice is to Mainstream the child."

During a [[04232010 - Autism Awareness & Men Should NEVER be Topless|video from April 2010]], Chris read off a lengthy printout of autism-related information. After quoting a passage about how the education of autistic children should be undertaken by trained professionals in specialized settings, Chris offered his own opinion.

{{quote|As for me though, I highly recommend mainstreaming, lettin' 'em go though normal life. I mean yeah, give 'em the special treatment while they're young... but when you get 'em in elementary or middle school... or high school, mainstream is the way to go.|Chris, [[04232010 - Autism Awareness & Men Should NEVER be Topless|Autism Awareness & Men Should NEVER be Topless]]}}

In short, Chris believes that the approach that produced the man as we know him today (i.e. ignoring the problem) is [[List of Chris's lies|the best possible way to raise and educate children with autism.]]

==Autism cured?==

[[Image:454-CWCsPossibleFuture.JPG|thumb|Autism appears to be in Chris's future...]]

Chris's greatest dream is that his autism might one day be cured (although in 2006 he would have unhesitatingly sacrificed such a cure in order to obtain a [[PS3|PlayStation 3]]). There are instances of children inexplicably recovering from the symptoms, but there is no known cure for autism that can simply be applied to everyone like Chris's "homo vaccine." Imagine the surprise of the mental health community, then, when Chris revealed in [[March 2009]] that he had overcome his autism once and for all:<ref>[[Sarah Reveals Herself]]</ref>

:'''Christopher C.W.C.:''' I'm not going to blame it on my autism; I have realized that I am over that now.
:'''Sarah May:''' Over what?
:'''Sarah May:''' Over your autism?
:'''Christopher C.W.C.:''' yes
:'''Sarah May:''' . . .
:'''Christopher C.W.C.:''' anyway, what is it that you want to do?
:'''Sarah May:''' Christian
:'''Sarah May:''' Are you serious?
:'''Sarah May:''' Autism is not influenza
:'''Sarah May:''' You don't 'get over it'
:'''Christopher C.W.C.:''' I've broken out of my autistic shell, and I am better able to socialize in public, with the past practices online.

Chris claims during the same chat that he may not be making sense due to a virus, easily allowing for him to retract this. Fortunately, Chris has discovered that [[stress]] is a more socially popular scapegoat for his personal shortcomings. Of course, people learn to manage stress, but what do you expect?

As of [[May 2009]], Chris seems to have regained his autism and is back to [[Wikipedia|blaming it]] for all his problems, seemingly believing that autism is as easy to shake/regain as the common flu.

[[November 2009]] saw Chris claiming to have cured his autism again as stated at the end of part 2 on his [[Sonichu Powerpoint]] presentations (where he describes himself as a "high-functioning autistic ''recovered''"). A [[December 2009|month later]], Chris says in the [[Chris chan (CWCipedia)|revised ED article]] in response to ED's claim he's "suffering" from autism, he comments "''which I still am for real.''"

Chris's flip-flopping self-diagnosis simply illustrates his misunderstanding of his problems. Since autism is his scapegoat for when he fucks up, to him that's really all it is — a disease that makes people fuck up all the time. Therefore, when he fails he has a bad case of autism, and when everything is going well (such as when he believes he has a girlfriend) he thinks the autism has gone away. What Chris really wants, then, is not a cure for autism but to live a life in which nothing happens that he would need to blame on his autism; that is, a life in which he has a girlfriend and nobody criticizes him.

==Things Chris has not blamed on his autism==
[[Image:Tumbleweed.gif|What did you expect?]]

==Chris and other autistics==

Listening to Chris go on about "us TRUE and HONEST autistics", you might think he has some kind of misplaced sense of autistic solidarity. But this would merely be dumb, and Chris-chan always shoots for both dumb and repugnant, so in reality he doesn't give a shit about anyone's autism but his own. He calls lower-functioning autistics than himself "windows into hell"<ref>[[IRC (17 December 2008)]]</ref> and regards them with [[Chris and Hypocrisy|exactly the same kind of fear and mistrust he bitches about people treating him with]]. He has also expressed a disdain for others with high-functioning autism, with HFA being one of the characteristics excluding a woman from being a [[attraction sign|potential sweetheart]]. Meanwhile, he looks at people with [[Asperger Syndrome]], who are on roughly the same part of the spectrum as him, as dirty whores trying to somehow steal the limelight from "real" autistics (read: Chris).

Chris has only once included another autistic person in his comics. In emails with [[Sarah Jackson]], she told Chris that her sister was also a high-functioning autistic. When Sarah was included in [[Episode_19#Episode_19:_Date_Ed_.28Even_Though_the_Idea_Sounds_Dated.29|Episode 19]], so was her sister, [[Rita]]. When Rita was given dialogue after Sarah's [[death]], what she said made so little sense grammatically (even for [[Chris and writing|Chris's standards]]) that it is hard to see it as unintentional. It can be speculated from this that Chris, thinking his own autism so much better than anyone else's, was attempting to make Rita seem very unintelligent as he assumes other autistics and people with mental disorders are.

For their part, [[A-Logging|people with autism universally facepalm when they look at Chris]], and wish he'd fuck off and die and stop giving them a bad name. The deleted article about Chris on [[TV Tropes]] said it best: they wish he'd Stop Being Stereotypical and embodying the worst perceptions of their condition. The article also noted that to people with autism or Asperger's, Chris was "Paranoia Fuel", that is to say it scares them to think they're like him. For the actual high-functioning autistics out there, Chris himself is the "window onto hell".

The Aspies for Freedom website has had a couple of run-ins with Chris that nicely demonstrate how other autistics regard him:

* [http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthread.php?tid=14371 Aspies For Freedom thread] where Chris or someone impersonating Chris asks for help against [[ED]]. The aspies offer the usual advice of ignoring the [[trolls]], which by the way is the best advice.

* [http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/showthread.php?tid=15676 Aspies For Freedom thread] where someone asks about Chris, but everyone else just wants to avoid the drama. A few of them realize that what ED says is true even though it may be a "hate site". Apparently, previous drama involving Chris led them to disable registration.

Tl;dr: Chris has no support in the online autistic community unless it's from someone who would rather he commit suicide.

== Sources ==
<references/>

==See also==
* [[Asperger syndrome]]
* [[Aspergers (CWCipedia article)]]
* [[A-U-T-I-S-M]]
* [[Autism Tutorial]]
* [[Chris and psychology]]
* [[Kick the Autistic]]
* [[Slow-in-the-minds]]
* [[Stress]]

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ix5Ith-fSU One Winged Autistic ]

{{CWC-isms}}
{{Love quest}}

[[Category:Autistic Spectrum Disorders]]
[[Category:Physical characteristics]]

Animal Crossing

2013-06-20T22:26:56Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:CWCAnimalCrossing.jpg|thumb|''Animal Crossing'' for the Wii.]]
[[Image:Accityfolkschurchuad.jpg|thumb|Despite being only minor characters who (supposedly) would make a cameo in the game, Chris felt he should make a box art focusing on Sonichu and Rosechu.]]

'''''Animal Crossing''''' by [[Nintendo]] was one of [[Chris]]'s favorite games before ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' came out. Worldwide, the game has been released in four incarnations: [[Wikipedia:Animal Crossing|''Animal Crossing'']] (GameCube), [[Wikipedia:Animal Crossing: Wild World|''Animal Crossing: Wild World'']] (DS) and [[Wikipedia:Animal Crossing: City Folk|''Animal Crossing: City Folk'']] (''Let's Go to the City'' for Europeans) (Wii), [[Wikipedia:Animal Crossing: New Leaf|''Animal Crossing: New Leaf'']] (3DS).

==About ''Animal Crossing''==
All of the games in the series involve the player character moving in a town populated by animals, doing random jobs for them to earn rent money, pulling weeds, planting trees, helping visitors, going fishing, catching bugs, filling up the art/fossil/bug/fish collections at the local museum and, in general, trying to make the town a happy place to live.

In other words, everything Chris avoids doing in real life.

== Chris and ''Animal Crossing'' ==
The series obviously appeals to Chris: the milieu is a cartoony small rural town of bright happy colors, everyone in the city is nice to you, there's no violence at all, and most importantly, you're never in any hurry to do anything. It's perfect for people who [[autism|avoid prickly-wicklies because they cause distress]] and [[stress|crash into slumber if they have to do anything particularly demanding]].

Aside of making the following weird and puzzling video productions, he has also picked up a few nuggets of wisdom from the games. Blathers, the owl who runs the museum in the games, has the habit of rambling about things you donate to the museum, until he realizes he's boring you, at which point he usually ends the infodump with "but I digress..." In the 15th slide of [[The Sonichu Chronicles]] Chris said that he picked up this phrase from the game, yet he tends to use it only in writing and not when he's actually boring people to tears in other forms of communication.

=== The 24th Wedding Anniversary Special ===
{{main|The 24th Wedding Anniversary Special}}
Chris made this video in honor of his parents' anniversary. It would have been kind of cute if Chris was six at the time, but now it's just sad.

This video is notable for introducing the ''Animal Crossing'' versions of both Bob and Barbara. This wouldn't be exactly damning if they had been created ''just'' for this video special, but it appears that the characters have fully decorated houses of their own...''and'' the house loans have been fully paid up (signified by the statues in front of the train station). Fully paying up the house loan takes an incredibly long time in game - and this video shows that he's done it ''at least'' four times.

=== ''Animal Crossing'' Documentary ===
{{main|Animal Crossing Documentary}}
The ''Animal Crossing'' Documentary, featuring Chris's incarnation of [[CWCville]] and [[CWCcity]] in the GC ''Animal Crossing'', is one of the great cinematic achievements Chris has made. Regular players of the game may notice a few things, such as the fact that while wasting time is unavoidable while playing this game, Chris is clearly wasting way too much time on this game. And that even when he fully paid his mortgage, he still had no idea how to sell multiple items at once.

=== Sonichu and Rosechu as characters ===
{{main|Miyamoto Saga}}
In 2009 a genius troll concocted a screenshot of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] as playable characters and told Chris Nintendo was planning to release them on his 27th birthday, but - for some mysterious reason - this plan never came to fruition.

<gallery style="margin: 0px auto 0px auto;">
Image:CWCShirtAC.jpg|You too can dress like Chris!
Image:Sonichu and Rosechu Approval for ACCityFolk.jpg|Sonichu and Rosechu.
Image:ACCityFolkSonichuRosechu.jpg|Chris's drawing of the Sonichu and Rosechu characters for the game, with special instructions on how they should be made, dated '06 [[January 2009]].
Image:3161674f78583fda5139ec49bbaa6b524b64aa06.jpg|What Chris
Image:SonichuAC.jpg|actually believed.
</gallery>

=== Chris's Sonichu ''Animal Crossing'' cards ===
Chris made a bunch of character cards for GameCube ''Animal Crossing''.

{{collapsible
|Chris's ''Animal Crossing'' Cards
|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:088-ACCWC.jpg
Image:097-ACCWCBck.jpg
Image:123-ACCChan.jpg
Image:124-ACChanBck.jpg
Image:161-ACSchu1.jpg
Image:162-ACSchu1Bck.jpg
Image:164-ACSonee.jpg
Image:165-ACSoneeBck.jpg
Image:187-ACSchu2.jpg
Image:188-ACSchu2Bck.jpg
Image:207-ACMetonic.jpg
Image:208-CMetonicBck.jpg
Image:214-ACUltSchu.jpg
Image:215-ACUltSchuBck.jpg
Image:220-ACMSchu.jpg
Image:229-ACRchu.jpg
Image:230-ACRchuBck.jpg
Image:231-ACRosey.jpg
Image:232-ACRoseyBck.jpg
Image:243-ACVamprosa.jpg
Image:244-ACVamprosaBck.jpg
Image:248-ACBchu.jpg
Image:249-ACBchuBck.jpg
Image:257-ACWild.jpg
Image:258-ACWildBck.jpg
Image:262-ACBubbles.jpg
Image:263-ACBubblesBck.jpg
Image:267-ACAngelica.jpg
Image:268-ACAngelicaBck.jpg
Image:272-ACPunchy.jpg
Image:273-ACPunchyBck.jpg
Image:277-ACMagi.jpg
Image:278-ACMagiBck.jpg
Image:283-ACFlame.jpg
Image:284-ACFlameBck.jpg
Image:286-ACBionic.jpg
Image:287-ACBionicBck.jpg
Image:290-ACWes.jpg
Image:291-ACWesBck.jpg
Image:292-ACWesLi.jpg
Image:293-ACWesLiBck.jpg
Image:297-ACSarah.jpg
Image:298-ACSarahBck.jpg
Image:300-ACSarhamah.jpg
Image:301-ACSarhamahBck.jpg
Image:305-ACMegan.jpg
Image:306-ACMeganBck.jpg
Image:314-ACMegagi.jpg
Image:315-ACMegagiBck.jpg
Image:381-ACNaitsirhc.jpg
Image:382-ACNaitsirhcBck.jpg
Image:383-ACKel.jpg
Image:384-ACKelBck.jpg
</gallery>}}

=== Chris-chan's ''Animal Crossing'' friend codes ===
* ''City Folk'': 4124-9531-8122
* ''Wild World'': 0558-9666-5003

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Animal Crossing - Wii Box.jpg
Image:AnimalCrissingCWCEdition.jpg
</gallery>
</center>

==See also==
*[[Animal Crossing Documentary|''Animal Crossing'' Documentary]]
*[[Shigeru Miyamoto]]
*[[Takashi Tezuka]]

[[Category:Video Games]]

Metal Gear

2013-01-10T23:03:17Z

Dann Woolf:

<center>{{#ev:youtube|p03W5ElzdGI}}</center>
[[Image:Chrisslitsthroat.jpg|thumb|left|Chris [[Don't Mess With Me|using CQC]] on [[Clyde Cash]] while wearing the [[Chris and fashion|Red-Blue Stripe]] camoflage]]
[[Image:Torture.jpg|thumb|right|"We live in a sad age. [[YouTube]], [[PSEye]]s, [[For Julie's Eyes Only|leaked]] [[April 16 Fetish Vids|videos]]... [[1990s]] [[Internet]] had its share of [[trolls]], but at least they had no streaming video. Internet today makes things too easy."]]

Being that '''''Metal Gear Solid''''' is [[Clyde Cash|so cash]], and many veteran [[trolls]] emerged from the depths of [[4chan|/v/]] (where [[Fapcup|wanking]] to [[Wikipedia:Big Boss (Metal Gear)|Big Boss]] is mandatory), several ''MGS'' references have emerged. Even [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] has made some possibly unintentional nods to the franchise. [[Vivian Gee|Vivian]] has also proclaimed her love for [[Jason Kendrick Howell|Liquid Snake]].

==Allusions made by trolls==

[[Image:Maryleewalshpatriot.png|thumb|The picture of [[Mary Lee Walsh|Big Dean]] featured in the "Good Fan Art" article at [[CWCipedia]]]]
* [[The Miscreants]] are an obvious [[parody]] of [[Wikipedia:List of characters in the Metal Gear series#The Patriots|the Patriots]], except while the Patriots specialize in (con)trolling the world, the Miscreants' main field of interest involves manipulating and monitoring the [[saga]]s and events of a certain [[Chris|autistic manchild]].
*The Miscreants' codenames all go along the lines of, "The (x)". This is a nod to ''[[Wikipedia:Metal Gear Solid 3|Metal Gear Solid 3]]'', where one must face [[Blanca|The Pain]], [[Sarah May|The Fear]], [[Ivy|The End]], and [[Julie|The Fury]].
* "Liquid Chris" was the codename for [[CChanSonichuCWC]], noting that [[Wikipedia:List of characters in the Metal Gear series#Liquid Snake|Liquid Snake]] was Solid Snake's genetic twin and enemy who had inherited the recessive genes of their father Big Boss and was therefore led to believe himself inferior, with the irony being that Liquid Chris excelled in everything Solid Chris does.
* Chris's appearance resembles Big Boss in the fan comic "Sonichu Finale".
* [[Wild Sonichu]] was crafted into a Solid Snake lookalike for a scene in episode 7 of ''Sonichu: The Animated Series'' [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2nXgMR7jKs], where he has sex with a cardboard box before breaking into [[4-cent garbage.com]]'s HQ.
* [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] goes by the e-handle "Liquid Snake".
* Some of [[User:Lime/Clyde vs. Chris: Day by Day|Clyde's messages to Chris]] contain footage from the series.

==''MGS'' and Chris==
[[Image:Bigboss.JPG|thumb|left|Big Boss appeared in ''[[Sonichu 8]]'', but was mauled by faggotry]]
[[Image:KNOWTHEDIFFERENCE.JPG|thumb|[[Sonichu 8|It really could]]]]
[[File:Mgson.png|thumb|WEAR A MUSCLE BRA!]]
*[[LittleBigPlanet#Metal Speed Solid|Metal Speed Solid]] is one of the ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' levels made by Chris. Yes why, it's really bad.
* Gecko and Mantis are shown as chefs in [[CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me"]]. While physically deformed [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon|mutants]], their names are reference to the [[troll]] Gecko Mantis, who got his name from the elite bio-mechanical robot originating from ''MGS4'', and Psycho Mantis, a psychic soldier appearing in ''MGS1'' and briefly in ''MGS4''.
* [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] was portrayed similar to Big Boss, with brown hair, a headband and an eye patch. For a while, it was assumed that Chris browsed /v/ for three seconds, saw a Big Boss picture and decided it was close enough, despite Big Boss and Liquid Snake (Jason's e-alias) being radically different characters. Later, Jason revealed that Chris saw an old picture of him with an eye patch on [[Myspace]];<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9TtPNnyayY A Jason Retrospective Part 2]</ref> which makes a bit more sense, as Chris wouldn't go near any place as [[alcohol|drunky]] or [[Tobacky|smokey]] as /v/.
* Wild sneaks into the 4-cent garbage.com company headquarters, which is apparently full of empty red corridors. Chris may be making a subtle joke at ''Metal Gear Solid'''s typical bland military bases. Or, far more likely, he is too [[stress]]ed to include enemies, or details.
*Chris made a ''Metal Gear'' [[Sonichu]] model for ''[[ModNation Racers]]'', who, with enough [[alcohol|booze]], vaguely resembles Master Miller from Metal Gear 2, Metal Gear Solid, and Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker.
{{clear}}

==Notes==
Christian has purchased ''Metal Gear Solid'' from the [[PSN]]; however, he most likely has not touched it because he's too busy playing ''[[Guitar Hero]]'', ''[[Brutal Legend]]'', ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' or ''Wheel of Fortune'' and the fact that [[Sonichu Special 4|sneaking behind enemies instead of attacking them head-on]] is too stressful for him. The Metal Gear Solid games are known for having a ''lot'' of homoerotic themes, whether or not Chris is aware of this is unknown.
==See also==
[[File:Chuhoundlogo.jpg|thumb|The [[True and Honest]] ChuHound logo]]

*[[Solid Chris]]
*[[Liquid Chris]]
*[[Solidus Chris]]
*[[The Miscreants]]

== Sources ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ri5sRCd-LNs METAL LOVE SOLID 3: STRAIGHT ANGER]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdhYYH1_5SQ CWC 4 - Puns of the Patridiots]

[[Category:Video Games]]

Soul Calibur

2012-12-01T01:03:05Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:SoulCalibur3box.jpg|thumb|[[Ivy]]'s namesake on the cover of ''Soul Calibur III'' (in the background)]]

[[Image:Chrisreply3.PNG|thumb|Transcending [[Semen|picklesauce]] and [[Ruckersville]], a tale of [[duck]]s and [[china]]s, eternally retold.]]

[[Image:Voldocwc.jpg|thumb|Chris, recreated in [[McDonald's|full Hamburglar regalia]] in Soul Calibur V.]]

'''''Soul Calibur''''' (often written ''SoulCalibur'' or ''Soulcalibur'') is a weapon-fighting game franchise created by Namco. While the series has a hardcore following, it's also famous for being easy to pick up – perhaps too easy, if Chris is of any indication.

==The series and Chris==
Chris's favorite character is [[Wikipedia:List of characters in the Soul series#Cassandra|Cassandra Alexandra]],<ref>[[Mumble 6]]</ref> possibly for no other reason besides the fact that he favors attractive female characters in all other games. [[Mimms]] also said that he used Cassandra in [[Card games#UFS (Ultimate Fighting System) TCG|the UFS trading card game]]<ref>[[Mimms and Lucas Q&A]]</ref> and [[Megan Schroeder|Megan]] encouraged him to stick with the "Greek girls" (Cassandra and [[Wikipedia:List of characters in the Soul series#Sophitia|Sophitia]]) in UFS<ref>[[Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007#Megan is going to give Chris some stuff, appreciates him backing off]]</ref>.

In the infamous facerape scene of [[Sonichu 8#Episode 17: "Rage Against the Garbage"|Episode 17]] of the [[comic]], [[Rosechu]] seems to duplicate Sophitia's B+G throw, called "Angel's Heaven" (''Soul Edge'') or "Holy Cracker" (''Soulcalibur'' series proper). It could also be "Heaven to Hell," which can follow up this move. However, Sophitia's attacks had several advantages over Rosechu's attack. First, cracking the neck is generally faster and more lethal than clawing a head open and electrocuting the victim. Secondly, Sophitia cleverly performed this attack fully clothed, granting the series 16+ age ratings rather than Cannot Be Unseen ratings. Thirdly, Sophitia cleverly elected to ''not'' shout some of the most embarrassing battlecries in the history of feminism.

Chris loved to create his enemies in ''[[Wikipedia:Soul Calibur III|Soul Calibur III]]'' and make pathetic videos where he struggles to beat them on the lowest difficulty setting. He has threatened to do this to various people, including the fan artist [[Evan]] and anyone who dared draw a [[pickle]] on his female cartoon characters.

In the ''[[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles]]'' ad, Chris promises CWC and [[Sonichu]]-related DLC for ''[[Wikipedia:Soul Calibur IV|Soul Calibur IV]]''. With the most advanced boob physics to date this series has seen, the public at large would probably rather ''not'' see that pack come to fruition. (Unless [[Mary Lee Walsh]] is included, naturally.)

===Soul Megan===
Apparently he and [[Megan Schroeder]] were dedicated players of the arcade version, too, judging by e-mails discussing the purchasing of horribly overpriced weapon and ability cards to be used with the coin-op game.<ref>[[Megan Emails, Jan-July 2007]]</ref><ref>[[Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007]]</ref>

One aspect of Chris's Megan obsession included creating a character of Megan in the game, which reportedly gave her the creeps.

{{Quote|And I don't like your "Megan Obsession" I don't like being [[Sailor Megtune|a character]] in [[Sonichu (comic)|your comics]]. I don't like how you made me a character in Soulcalibur and [[Animal Crossing]]. That kind of behavior really freaks me out.<ref>[[Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007]]</ref>}}

{{clear}}
===Chris vs Mary Lee Walsh===

{{quote|The EPIC Battle between the High-Functioning [[Autistic]] Warrior who was only searching for TRUE LOVE, and the [[Mary Lee Walsh|EVIL WITCH]] of the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]] who previously SHATTERED HIS HEART AND SOUL by making it OBVIOUS that it was ILLEGAL to have a [[Sweetheart]] of the opposite gender in Virginia... "[[Virginia is for Virgins|VIRGINIA IS FOR VIRGINS]]!"}}
{{Infobox/video
| name = SOUL CALIBUR: Chris vs Mary Lee Walsh
| video = {{#ev:youtube|9wmmU8OnQp4}}
| stardate = 1 [[May 2007]]
| subject = {{Video games|text}}, {{Violence|text}}
| style = {{Rage|text}}, {{Crazy|text}}
| other = {{Direct Feed|text}}
| previous = [[Christian_Weston_Chandler's_FUTURE_MESSAGE#Watch|Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE]]
| next = [[Chop_Chop_Master_Onion's_Rap_Showdown#Master_Onion_A-La_Mode|Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]]
}}

==See also==
*[[CWC Fighter]]
*[[Ivy]], who got her name from [[wikipedia:List of characters in the Soul series#Ivy|Isabella "Ivy" Valentine]]<ref>[[Ivy Q&A]]</ref>

== Sources ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?t2mvjgzqdod Original file]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE]]|nextlink=[[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|Master Onion A-La Mode]]|}}
{{Game Videos}}

[[Category:Video Games]]
[[Category:Chris-chan videos, 2007| 2007-05-08]]

Soul Calibur

2012-12-01T01:02:31Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:SoulCalibur3box.jpg|thumb|[[Ivy]]'s namesake on the cover of ''Soul Calibur III'' (in the background)]]

[[Image:Chrisreply3.PNG|thumb|Transcending [[Semen|picklesauce]] and [[Ruckersville]], a tale of [[duck]]s and [[china]]s, eternally retold.]]

[[Image:Voldocwc.jpg|thumb|Chris, recreated in [[McDonald's|full Hamburglar regalia]] in Soul Calibur V.]]

'''''Soul Calibur''''' (often written ''SoulCalibur'' or ''Soulcalibur'') is a weapon-fighting game franchise created by Namco. While the series has a hardcore following, it's also famous for being easy to pick up – perhaps too easy, if Chris is of any indication.

==The series and Chris==
Chris's favorite character is [[Wikipedia:List of characters in the Soul series#Cassandra|Cassandra Alexandra]],<ref>[[Mumble 6]]</ref> possibly for no other reason besides the fact that he favors attractive female characters in all other games. [[Mimms]] also said that he used Cassandra in [[Card games#UFS (Ultimate Fighting System) TCG|the UFS trading card game]]<ref>[[Mimms and Lucas Q&A]]</ref> and [[Megan Schroeder|Megan]] encouraged him to stick with the "Greek girls" (Cassandra and [[Wikipedia:List of characters in the Soul series#Sophitia|Sophitia]]) in UFS<ref>[[Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007#Megan is going to give Chris some stuff, appreciates him backing off]]</ref>.

In the infamous facerape scene of [[Sonichu 8#Episode 17: "Rage Against the Garbage"|Episode 17]] of the [[comic]], [[Rosechu]] seems to duplicate Sophitia's B+G throw, called "Angel's Heaven" (''Soul Edge'') or "Holy Cracker" (''Soulcalibur'' series proper). It could also be "Heaven to Hell," which can follow up this move. However, Sophitia's attacks had several advantages over Rosechu's attack. First, cracking the neck is generally faster and more lethal than clawing a head open and electrocuting the victim. Secondly, Sophitia cleverly performed this attack fully clothed, granting the series 16+ age ratings rather than Cannot Be Unseen ratings. Thirdly, Sophitia cleverly elected to ''not'' shout some of the most embarrassing battlecries in the history of feminism.

Chris loved to create his enemies in ''[[Wikipedia:Soul Calibur III|Soul Calibur III]]'' and make pathetic videos where he struggles to beat them on the lowest difficulty setting. He has threatened to do this to various people, including the fan artist [[Evan]] and anyone who dared draw a [[pickle]] on his female cartoon characters.

In the ''[[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles]]'' ad, Chris promises CWC and [[Sonichu]]-related DLC for ''[[Wikipedia:Soulcalibur IV|Soulcalibur IV]]''. With the most advanced boob physics to date this series has seen, the public at large would probably rather ''not'' see that pack come to fruition. (Unless [[Mary Lee Walsh]] is included, naturally.)

===Soul Megan===
Apparently he and [[Megan Schroeder]] were dedicated players of the arcade version, too, judging by e-mails discussing the purchasing of horribly overpriced weapon and ability cards to be used with the coin-op game.<ref>[[Megan Emails, Jan-July 2007]]</ref><ref>[[Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007]]</ref>

One aspect of Chris's Megan obsession included creating a character of Megan in the game, which reportedly gave her the creeps.

{{Quote|And I don't like your "Megan Obsession" I don't like being [[Sailor Megtune|a character]] in [[Sonichu (comic)|your comics]]. I don't like how you made me a character in Soulcalibur and [[Animal Crossing]]. That kind of behavior really freaks me out.<ref>[[Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007]]</ref>}}

{{clear}}
===Chris vs Mary Lee Walsh===

{{quote|The EPIC Battle between the High-Functioning [[Autistic]] Warrior who was only searching for TRUE LOVE, and the [[Mary Lee Walsh|EVIL WITCH]] of the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]] who previously SHATTERED HIS HEART AND SOUL by making it OBVIOUS that it was ILLEGAL to have a [[Sweetheart]] of the opposite gender in Virginia... "[[Virginia is for Virgins|VIRGINIA IS FOR VIRGINS]]!"}}
{{Infobox/video
| name = SOUL CALIBUR: Chris vs Mary Lee Walsh
| video = {{#ev:youtube|9wmmU8OnQp4}}
| stardate = 1 [[May 2007]]
| subject = {{Video games|text}}, {{Violence|text}}
| style = {{Rage|text}}, {{Crazy|text}}
| other = {{Direct Feed|text}}
| previous = [[Christian_Weston_Chandler's_FUTURE_MESSAGE#Watch|Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE]]
| next = [[Chop_Chop_Master_Onion's_Rap_Showdown#Master_Onion_A-La_Mode|Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]]
}}

==See also==
*[[CWC Fighter]]
*[[Ivy]], who got her name from [[wikipedia:List of characters in the Soul series#Ivy|Isabella "Ivy" Valentine]]<ref>[[Ivy Q&A]]</ref>

== Sources ==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?t2mvjgzqdod Original file]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE]]|nextlink=[[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|Master Onion A-La Mode]]|}}
{{Game Videos}}

[[Category:Video Games]]
[[Category:Chris-chan videos, 2007| 2007-05-08]]

Chris and reality

2011-11-13T12:40:42Z

Dann Woolf:

{{quote|I don't have to Justify Sonichu and Rosechu; they can take of that themselves.|Chris, being completely delusional in [[IRC (20 January 2009)]]}}
{{quote|WHAT THEY AREN'T REAL WHAT ARE YOU DELUSIONAL|[[Clyde Cash]]'s reasonable response to the above}}
'''Reality''' is the universe from which [[Chris]] is quite detached. Quite a bit of his sketchy world-view can be attributed to his [[autism]], as people with autism generally have troubles with distinguishing reality and fantasy, and therefore have a harder time with being critical towards and distancing themselves from events and ideas depicted in any fictional media, be it books, films, cartoons or video games. Because of these difficulties, autistics are also easier to manipulate and deceive, especially by sources they trust, like [[Bob|their]] [[Barb|parents]] and the [[TV]], and are as a result very impressionable when it comes to commercials and [[100 2178|conspiracy theories]].

However, it is not completely out of left field to assume that a lot of Chris's problems with accepting reality stem from his tendency to deny facts and quickly retreat into his realm of fantasy. He does that to avoid [[stress]] when faced with the realization that he has been defeated, cheated or outwitted, as these instances are usually a result of his own stupidity or stubbornness, flaws which Chris will never [[Chris and his Ego|ever]] admit to possessing.

==Fantasy and fiction==
[[CWCville]] is the name of the idyllic fantasy world of Chris's imagination. It is his preferred means of escape from a world that does not give Chris what he feels reasonably entitled to. Above all else, CWCville is built around Chris's comfort and convenience. As its Mayor, Chris enjoys as much power and as little responsibility as he wants.

[[Image:Toontown.jpg|thumb|right|THIS IS WHAT CHRIS ACTUALLY BELIEVES.]]
Chris believes that CWCville, as all other products of his imagination, actually exist in a parallel universe he calls a "Toon World," where they are free to mingle with all other fictional cartoon characters, citing the film [[Wikipedia:Who Framed Roger Rabbit|''Who Framed Roger Rabbit'']] as a model. In his opinion, anyone who does not accept this thinking is "[[Chris and hypocrisy|naïve]]."<ref>[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 2]]</ref> He even claims to hold the distinction of Mayor of CWCville "IN REAL LIFE."<ref>[[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#THAT DOES NOT MATTER (CCS)]]</ref> Chris admits that CWCville is not real only to pacify others too [[Slow-in-the-minds|slow in the mind]] to comprehend this idea. Most likely, he defends this belief because he has accomplished and produced virtually nothing worthwhile in his life, and he therefore likes to pretend that he has made a positive impact on something, if only on a metaphysical level.

All of Chris's characters are aware that Chris is the creator of their reality. Sonichu and Rosechu both refer to him as "father," in much the same way a Christian might consider God to be his or her father. Chris believes his characters possess the free will to make their own decisions, and that he is not responsible for their actions. This is how various events (both major and minor) such as Sonichu and Rosechu's wedding, the birth of [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Children|their children]],<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php/Sonichu#Sonichu_and_Rosechu_from_1998_to_Today Sonichu Page on CWCipedia</ref> [[Kel]]'s romance with [[Naitsirhc]],<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php/Sonichu#First_Encounter_with_Naitsirhc</ref> and even [[Bubbles]] and [[Blake]]'s wedding<ref>[[I_Am_The_TRUE,_Original_CCWC#A_history_.286:02_to_9:34.29 I Am The TRUE, ORIGINAL CCWC]]</ref> are said to actually happen "off-screen", instead of just being a [[Chris and Writing|spur-of-the-moment introduction of a throwaway plot element]] that Chris is [[stress|too lazy to depict]]. Without prior explanation, Chris makes a "spoiler" in his own comic that [[Magi-Chan]] will eventually get together with [[Silvana]], implying that in Chris's head that this already "happened".<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_10/Page_37 Issue 10 Page 37</ref> It is [[Slaweel Ryam]], not Chris, who apologizes for slandering [[Mary Lee Walsh]].<ref>[[Mary Lee Walsh#Possible reconciliation]]</ref> Chris once justified his refusal to write Simonla out of the comic by saying that she would not want to leave CWCville, and that she and [[Wild Sonichu|Wild]] would fight for her right to stay.<ref>[[Mailbag 43#...well, this is disturbing!]]</ref>

Chris considers everything drawn, written, or even said about CWCville to be canon, and feels it necessary to explain away undesirable changes to CWCville made as a result of outside influences (e.g. [[BILLY MAYS]] as Mayor). The fact that he needs to explain this in his comic pages shows that he assumes everyone else shares this belief as well. Despite being protective of his own work, he [[Chris and hypocrisy|forces others]] to accept the "corrections" he has made to their work.

==Real Life==
Chris has a tendency to [[Father Call|exaggerate]] estimates of [[Duck|length]], [[White knight emails|weight]], and [[I AM STRONG|strength]] toward his favor, such his exaggeration of a [[11042009 51 50|12-pack of canned lemonade for 50 lbs]]. These are symptoms of [[Wikipedia:Dyscalculia|dyscalculia]], which is common with [[autism]], where the sufferer has no comprehension of time, measurement, or spatial reasoning. But this tendency seems to suggest not mere ignorance, but Chris's perception that the limits of his physical potential are inherently impressive to others.

Where objective reality conflicts with them, Chris expects his self-favoring opinions to be accepted by others as the truth.

When asked by [[Evan]] to remove [[Simonla]] from his comics, Chris decided that he could have created her without the inspiration of Evan's character [[Simonchu]] and thus effectively had.<ref>[[Mailbag 44#I want to see Simonla die so very badly]]</ref> Chris "[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 3|corrected]]" Simonla's [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Simonla_Rosechu CWCipedia entry] with a "[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 4|retraction]]" denying Simonla was ever inspired by Simonchu. Chris expected that this new version of the truth would be happily accepted by all concerned parties.

Chris considers people with Asperger's syndrome "fakers" who are taking "the Shine and Limelight" away from genuine Autistic people such as himself.<ref>[[Aspergers (CWCipedia article)]]</ref> Although Chris has admitted that this "Fact" is only his "own idea," he still thinks that to believe otherwise is to "conform to blasphem[y]."<ref>[[Autism Awareness E-mails]]</ref>

Chris also seems completely unaware of what current technology is and is not capable of. In his [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu Sonichu article] on the [[CWCipedia]], he talks about his status as the Cwcville [[Pokémon]] gym leader, then goes on to suggest that Nintendo pour their resources into developing a Poké Ball peripheral that would have slots for every generation of Pokémon games, including a slot for the Gamecube memory card. He expects this peripheral to be able to read party data from the inserted game/memory card, display a holographic image of the Pokémon in play, and be used to challenge people in real life who own the same peripheral (in a manner much like on ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh]]'').

During a 2004 confrontation with [[Mary Lee Walsh]], Chris began to converse with thin air, pretending that Sonichu was in the office with him.<ref>[[Jackie Chat 5|Jackie Chat #5]]</ref><ref name="Jackie e 16">[[Jackie_E-mails_16]]</ref> At one point, Chris began to pretend that he ''was'' Sonichu and started giving a speech that he said that "Sonichu" wanted to give to Mary, which explains why Mary ordered him to see a psychiatrist. Chris also, usually before crashing into slumber, pretends to converse with Sonichu and Rosechu, at one point claiming that the pair offered him relationship advice.<ref name="Jackie e 16" /> Whether or not he converses with the other characters is unknown at the moment.

Chris is also prone to interpreting various forms of media in his own autistic way. During his attempt to put up his own ads on the CWCipedia, he claimed that the award-winning film ''[[Wikipedia:Avatar (film)|Avatar]]'' was meant to promote the eradication of homosexuality rather than the tolerance of other cultures.<ref>When Chris edited [[Mailbag 23]], he [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Mailbag_23&oldid=5987 inserted into the article an ad for ''Avatar''] and wrote a caption under it saying the movie promotes heterosexuality. This ad was later on removed by the sysop.</ref> Where he got this idea is a mystery, as homosexuality is not once mentioned in the film. His fear of homosexuals destroying the future, incidentally, emerged from an episode of ''[[South Park]]'' called "[[Wikipedia:Goobacks|Goobacks]]", which was a satire on the controversy of illegal immigration. In the episode, a group of rednecks who had lost their jobs to the illegal immigrants from the future decided that the best way to get their jobs back was to destroy the future by making everyone gay so there wouldn't be anybody in the future. Chris, however, took everything at face value and interpreted the episode as a scare film on par with ''[[Wikipedia:Red Dawn|Red Dawn]]''. And of course, Chris is convinced that ''[[Family Guy]]'' is made by the staunchest, most religious Republican in the world, when in reality it's made by a pro-gay rights, liberal atheist.

Chris rarely understands any moral dispensed by television. When he does take one, it's because he's decided that it can be used to justify whatever tomfoolery he's been up to. Unsurprisingly, Chris often misses the original point completely. For example, while attempting to justify his attempt to pretend to be [[Liquid]] in an attempt to steal his girlfriend, he claimed that he was "Wrong, but for the right reasons."<ref>[[I Love You Kacey]]</ref> This comes from another episode of ''South Park'' called "[[Wikipedia:Best Friends Forever|Best Friends Forever]]", where, after a satire of the [[Wikipedia:Terri Schiavo|Terri Schiavo]] controversy, it is stated that Cartman was "Right, but for the wrong reasons". In context, it meant that his goal of shutting down the vegetative Kenny's life support was the right thing to do (for reasons involving the fate of the universe that are too complex to explain here), but his motivation was completely off mark: he only did it because he knew that Kenny's death would cause him to inherit his [[PSP]]. Meanwhile, Stan and Kyle were "Wrong, but for the right reasons", as they wanted to keep Kenny alive in a perpetual vegetative state even though they should just let him die, but they were doing so because they actually cared about Kenny, rather than exploiting the situation for their own benefit like Cartman was. Chris seems to have interpreted this as "If you do a bunch of bad things, like pretending to be someone else in order to steal their girlfriend, you are completely justified in doing so if your dishonest actions lead to a positive outcome, like proving that you are the TRUE and HONEST Christian Weston Chandler and getting laid".

==Chris and magic==
{{See also|Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|l1=Chris the Shaman}}

Through Chris's perception of [[God]] as an implement of his will comes the delusion that he has magical powers that will permit him to eventually succeed over the enemies that he is unable to dispatch by any more conventional means.

The most notorious example is the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]], a power that supposedly bestows terrible fortune on the recipient. Chris has performed this curse on innumerable occasions, both over the internet and in public. He has even retracted the curse [[Chris and remorse|albeit reluctantly]] on at least three occasions <ref>[[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction]]</ref><ref>[[One Blessing, and One Curse]]</ref><ref>[[I am Alive]]</ref> with a "Forgiveness Blessing'" which further cements Chris's belief in its efficacy. He also believes that he has the power to [[U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L|brainwash people into following his commands]] and to sic the spirit of [[Patti Chandler|his dead dog]] to [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|attack people in their sleep]]. Chris believes that he may have other latent powers that he may discover when the opportunity presents itself.<ref>[[Mailbag 20#Chris still thinks he can actually curse people]]</ref> All of this magic is supposedly powered by his preferred personal relic of the day — either the [[Medallion of Fail]] or [[Amnyfest Ring]].

Chris also appears to believe that he can [[Sarah May Skype Logs|talk to dead people]], to an extent. He told [[Sarah May]] that when he touched his dead [[Aunt Corrina]]'s hand, he could hear her spirit, along with the spirits of his grandparents and great-grandparents. He also claimed that [[Godjesus|God and Jesus]] also told him to "make the trip and go to Julie." It's unclear at this point whether these visions are the result of his mental problems, or just an excuse for him to do want he wants to do by justifying his actions as the result of supernatural phenomenon.

When asked by a fan how he came to learn of his powers, Chris replied:
{{quote|I have learned about the Curses actually working firstly when I cursed the real-life Mary Lee Walsh; then I later heard that her reputation at [[PVCC]] went DOWN ([[Chris and his Ego|yes, mostly due to my references in the pages]]), but then things got worse for her, and even though I forgave her for her misdeed on interrupting my [[Love Quest|Sweetheart Search]], I feel she definitely got what she deserved for her misdeed. Later, I cursed one specific Troll (I forget who); shortly later, I learn that troll came down with a [[Wikipedia:Common Cold|life-threatening ailment.]]|Chris, [[Mailbag 18#In which Chris believes he has magic powers (srsly)|Mailbag 18]]}}
This is textbook [[Wikipedia:Magical thinking|magical thinking]]. This gives Chris a belief of some degree of power over his own life, no matter how illusory. This use of [[Wikipedia:Fantasy (psychology)|fantasy]] is considered by the psychological community to be an immature defense mechanism.

==Conspiracy theories==
Chris views the fact of his own life through the lens of his ego. Chris believes that anyone who prevents him from getting what he wants is only interested in being mean to him for its own sake.

Chris believes that he was intentionally infected with autism by his doctor.<ref>[[Mailbag 12#Where autism comes from]]</ref> Anyone who hinders Chris's [[Love Quest]] is part of an effort to "[[Virginia is for Virgins|make true love illegal]]," either in Virginia or nationwide.<ref>[[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu'' #4]]</ref><ref>[[CWC Blog#10 March 2010]]</ref> This choice of words suggests that Chris believes that he [[Chris and his Ego|is entitled to a girlfriend]], and that people are attempting to take legal action to deprive him of this alleged right.

When no culprit responsible for his unhappiness is visible, Chris prefers to accuse unseen hands of plotting against him. Chris blamed his inability to find guests to a sporting event on efforts by the Greene County school board to deprive him of friends; including conspiracy with realtors to keep him in Ruckersville and with [[Michael Snyder]] to keep him out of his favorite hangout.<ref>[[100 2178]]</ref>

Chris's tendencies towards these sorts of thoughts may spiral back to two people: [[Bob Chandler|Robert]] and [[Barbara Chandler]]. A phone call between his parents and [[Matthew Noble call|a GAMe PLACe employee]] revealed a number of things, most importantly that they believe Chris's entire trolling began as a conspiracy between [[Michael Snyder]], [[Megan Schroeder]] and a number of potential homosexuals to "terrorize", "torment", and "persecute" Chris for being autistic, going so far as to believe they broke into Chris's credit card account and tried to [[Chris and money|ruin his credit]].

When Chris was active on the [[Tomboys and Tomgirls of Virginia]] forum, Chris revealed that he shares his parent's ridiculous beliefs about the GAMe PLACe's position in troll hierarchy. Most notably, he claimed that Michael Snyder was hiding a criminal scandal because the owner of the Place (as well as three other associated hobby stores) is a convicted sex offender. He also tried to argue that the store itself is in violation of the law, simply because it is close to a public school and owned by a sex offender who is never actually there. Ironically enough, acting like a sex offender is one of the many things that got Chris banned from the store in the first place.

Chris would eventually accuse Michael Snyder himself of being a child molester, going so far as to accuse him of molesting his own daughter. In case you've forgotten, Snyder once chased Chris down after he (unintentionally) took candid photographs of the same daughter Chris accused him of molesting.
==Sources==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

Chris and writing

2011-11-13T12:37:19Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:395-HowThePKMNCame.jpg|thumb|right|[[Audiobooks|Look at that cover, goddamn]]]]

[[Chris]]'s '''writing''' is marked by many flaws that have persisted throughout his creative output.

== General problems ==
: ''See also: [[Chris and art]], [[Sonichu (comic)]]''

Chris's writing shows a juvenile, [[Slow-in-the-minds|simple]] writing style. Like many elementary school kids, Chris frequently pauses from the action to [[Autism|describe exactly what a character is wearing]] and [[Sonichu 8|expound upon trivial aspects of characters]] in unnecessary detail. This is counterbalanced by frequently [[Evan|glossing over things]] that may [[Sonichu Balls|have relevance at some point]]. Sometimes Chris would interrupt an action scene to introduce something that is completely irrelevant to its context.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_0/Page_44 Issue 0 Page 44]</ref> Its overall presentation is consistently sloppy, marked by unwieldy turns of phrase and elementary typographical errors that suggest that Chris does not proofread anything he creates before putting it on the Internet.

Chris produces no preparatory writing of any sort for his stories, content to make them up as he goes along and putting the overall narrative at the mercy of his moods and fancies. He regularly changes his mind as to what the story should be and contradicts what has come before as he pleases, unable to comprehend why this would bother his audience.

=== Exposition ===
[[File:SchuComic10P3.jpg|thumb|If only there was some way that events and actions could be depicted visually, rather than as endless and tedious walls of Comic Sans.]]
[[File:SchuComic10P65.jpg|thumb|For fuck's sake.]]
{{quote|Fifteen minutes of dialogue, and transformation, later...|[[Sonichu 9|Chris, not even trying anymore]]}}

As a writer, Chris is over-reliant upon exposition, to the point that some works (such as [[The High School Story]]) contain nothing else. Chris does not like to illustrate facts of his stories through example, and instead expects the reader to accept his every word as gospel, leaving no room for interpretations that are not [[TRUE and HONEST]]. Confusing dialogue for exposition, Chris believes that his level of exposition is normal in mainstream comics.<ref>[[Mailbag 19#Textwalling|Mailbag 19]]</ref>

In addition, Chris critically fails at the literary element "show don't tell" even in illustrated action scenes, choosing instead to describe what a character is doing between two asterisks. (The worst offenders are *CUTS VINES*, *CRASH TO GRASS*,<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_9/Page_52 Issue 9 Page 52]</ref> *TELEPORTS IN*, and *MAKES GUN DO A 180*.) Apparently even he knows that his shit art is too unclear to convey an idea properly without an additional description.

[[File:SchuComic1.jpg|thumb|right|[[Mary Lee Walsh]] threatens Chris and Sonichu with a "Hee Hee" attack, which most military analysts seem to agree is ''not'' a particularly potent or spine-chilling threat. [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]], however, is widely believed to destroy everything.]]

=== Characterization ===
: ''See also: [[Chris and art#Character design|Character design]]''

Chris's characters as they are written are distinguishable only by the vaguest surface elements. Chris's view of ideal personalities in men and women is clear to him, and because he wants all of his creations to be perfect, his characters are barely-distinct variations on a theme. Chris does not comprehend the appeal of characters with flaws. His main response to the criticism that his characters lack personality is denial.

The indistinct characterizations of the Sonichu cast are reflected in their dialogue. Chris does not use dialogue to suggest distinct personalities and worldviews. All characters are equally capable of speaking as Chris does, and from Chris's perspective. Including the [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Children|children]].

This in turn leads to only three basic stock personalities- all of the males are shallow bastards who are only interested in fucking and enforcing Comic-Chris's [[CWCville|draconian laws]], all of the females are shallow whores who only want to fuck, shop and cook (in that order, no less), and [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|Comic-Chris]] comes off as a murderous, insane dictator of a militaristic city-state enforced by a paramilitary secret police and a pack of [[Electric Hedgehog Pokemon|super-powered goons]] with immunity from [[Chris and the Law|prosecution]] and freedom to commit any [[Sonichu 10|atrocities]] they ([[Gun Comic|and he]]) please, utilising a [[Magi-Chan|psychic hedgehog]] to spy on his citizens to make sure there are no [[homos|gay people]], and gleefully revelling in the pain he inflicts on those whom he deems unworthy.

Consequentially, any attempt at character development fails miserably. Chris marks any change in character by indicating in exposition something akin to "it just happened." With [[Blake]], who arguably goes through the most stark change in character (an antagonist becoming a supporting character), there is absolutely no moral struggle or any build-up to the moment he "flips." His sudden infatuation with [[Bubbles]] and an equally sudden mention of mistreatment at the hands of his [[Naitsirhc|master]] are all the reader is given for why Blake changed sides. No reason is given for [[Wes Iseli]]'s defection to the enemy ''at all''.

===Dialogue===
Chris only uses dialogue as an expository device in his comics in the bluntest fashion possible. Chris feels the need to include extensive amounts of dialogue in his comic, resulting in textwalls that demand type so small that they often threaten to become illegible. Textwalling is Chris's preferred method of dictating the story as he means for it to be experienced by his reader. Chris has defended this practice due to feeling a "preference to elaborate, because [[Chris|some people]] [[Autism|rarely get visual references]]."<ref>[[Mailbag 19#Textwalling]]</ref> On a similar note, speech often includes hand-drawn emoticons to display what the speaker is feeling, affirming the notion that Chris doesn't believe that his artwork or dialog alone can convey his ideas, in addition to his [[Autism|total ineptitude with emotions]].

=== Plot and Drama ===
Chris's [[Chris and reality#Fantasy and Fiction|confused understanding]] of reality and fantasy affect his ability to write captivating fiction. Because Chris considers his creations to be "alive" in some parallel universe, he finds that giving them artificially happy and uncomplicated lives is satisfying, and assumes that his [[True and Loyal Fanbase|TRUE and LOYAL fanbase]] shares this interest.

Chris seeks to avoid tension or suspense that would trouble his creations and his intended audience wherever possible. Thus, he is unwilling to depict his characters in peril that is convincing, and therefore, "real," and wants to pair them off early and dwell on their long, idyllic romances. Villains tend to put up laughably little challenge, and the protagonists usually win with a show of devastating and effortless force. Initially villains are allowed to posture about a little before Sonichu shows up to ruin their shit, but as the comic goes on and Chris comes into conflict with internet trolls, the battles become even ''shorter'' and ''less-climactic'' for the sake of emphasis.

Similarly, previews and allusions to the future always emphasize victory over the forces of evil. A vision of the PVCC attacking CWCville ends with Chris saying "Good, we've won!" A preview for a next issue tersely concludes the only marginally dramatic plot arc: "Next issue I get out of the time void." His devotion to dismantling tension is such that in [[Sonichu 10]], Magi-Chan broke the fourth wall to prematurely reveal that he would eventually fall in love with Silvana, presumably so that readers would not have to worry about what would happen to them in the meantime. Even the worst writers would never use the words "spoiler alert" in one's own work (instead opting for foreshadowing), but Chris feels it necessary to spoil a yet-to-be-revealed plot point ''in his own comic''.

As you might guess, on top of everything else this makes the storyline for Sonichu '''unspeakably boring.'''

The actual plotting for Sonichu is problematic as well. As soon as Chris becomes uninterested in an idea he presents in his comic, he will resolve it in a quick and often unsatisfying manner. Characters once meant to enter the main cast, such as [[Ivy]], will then be killed off-panel so that Chris can proceed to his newest internet girlf... ahem, plotline of interest. Other narrative threads (such as [[Meg-chan]], [[Blanca]] or [[Jiggliami]]) can be forgotten and abandoned entirely with, if the reader is lucky, a sentence or two tying up the loose end.

When Chris adds something to a Sonichu comic due to the pressure of another party, he is known to make these additions unsatisfying on purpose for the parties requesting them. The most stupefying example may be the Time Void subplot. Written in after criticism that his alter-ego took up too much of the comic's time, Chris ''almost'' removes himself for ''almost'' two issues, and when it ends, it just so happens to leave him ready to indulge in the most self-servicing revenge fantasy yet.

=== Visual clarity ===
[[Image:SchuComic10P09.jpg|thumb|right|An example of Chris's mind-boggling ability to make a completely unreadable page, hosted by what appears to be [[Chris and Religion|Father Christmas and Chris with a beard.]]]]
[[Image:SchuComic9P92.jpg|thumb|left|Holy balls, try reading ''this''.]]
[[IMage:MSCPython.jpg|thumb|right|Witty banter is considerably less funny when it's blatantly ripped off ''and'' you have to follow the numbers.]]

Like many children, Chris is unconcerned with making his comics clear and easily read. Chris does not plan page layouts in advance, and instead draws panels one at a time, cramming however many he can onto the page and further harming his comic's visual clarity. He does not understand that word balloons and text boxes must be arranged left to right and top to bottom in the intended order in each panel, and that the panel's art must be set to accommodate that order. The dialogue flow in panels with multiple word balloons in Sonichu regularly must be pieced together from context clues by the reader. The worst example of this is seen below: Chris establishing a reading order by numbering lines of dialogue.

== Chris as a poet and lyricist ==
: ''See also: [[Chris and music]]''

{{quote| I’d lay her down caress her gently tickle her fancy; have her tickle my fancy, and give it to her with the learned lonely experience I’ve endured.|Chris, expertly stirring feelings of both mild disgust and confusion<ref>For My True Love, I Would…</ref>}}

In poem and lyric, Chris has a poor understanding of the anatomy of an appealing composition. He mistakes exceedingly saccharine language for the romantic. He also pads out gaps with [[random-access humor]] and [[I Love Lucy|curiously dated language]].

He has total disregard for proper meter, and rhymes are forced with odd terms (''Rosey, as often as birds tweet/will you be my lovely heartsweet?''<ref>[[Sonichu's Ode to Rosechu]]</ref>). Sometimes, these reaches don't even rhyme (''Heart-broken, sad and very lonely,/I may never remove my virginity.'')<ref>[[Saddest Heart in the World]]</ref>.

Not even the Bard is safe from Chris's fail. In [[Sub-Episode 3]], a famous line from ''[[wikipedia:Macbeth|Macbeth]]'' has a couplet of Chris's making tacked on to its end (I shatter hearts as I please! I hurt them hard with the greatest of ease!<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_20 Issue 4 Page 20]</ref>), while [[Bubbles]] mutilates a line from the ''[[Wikipedia:The Tempest|The Tempest]]'' in ''[[Sonichu 8]]''.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_8/Page_95 Issue 8 Page 95] (paraphrasing Miranda's famous line, "O brave new world, That has such people in't!")</ref> Needless to say, the contrast is not that hard to see.

== Chris as a journalist ==
[[Image:199-newsdsh.jpg|left|thumb|"Yellow journalism" gone oh so horribly wrong]]

''[[Nintendo Power]]'' was a publication released by [[Nintendo]] about Nintendo products. It sought to inform video game enthusiasts anything they might want to know about Nintendo products, and how they should feel about them. It is easily Chris's single greatest journalistic influence. To this day, he seeks to plainly tell the masses what the truth is and how we should feel about it.

Chris's first notable work of journalism is his final project in high school, [[A Week With Christian Chandler]]. It is a prime example of Chris's understanding of [[honesty]]: the only thing that could reflect poorly on him in his mind was the omission of any fact. Here it would seem that Chris is unwilling to massage the truth because he had yet to experience disapproval of peers that concerned him as the reactions of Internet trolls would later.

Chris's next journalistic effort came in college with ''[[Sonichu's News Dash!]]'', which presumes that his person and daily life are of inherent reader interest.

== Chris as a blogger ==
Chris's blogging is a continuation of his ''News Dash!'' mentioned above. In a way, Chris's first and most frequently updated blog was [[CWC's Sonichu Site!‎|his web page]], in which he posted "updates" about his goings-on. The site, however, was not in what most people would consider a blog format. Instead, Chris stuck new updates wherever he could find new space that day, resulting an erratic and bizarre page layout.

He has also experimented with conventional blog formats, and the results are only marginally easier to read.

To this date Chris has had several actual blogs:
*[[PSN Blogs]]
*[[The OFFICIAL Sonichu & Rosechu Blog]]
*[[MySpace|A small MySpace Blog]]
*[[CWC Blog]]
*[[Twitter]]

The location may change, but the [[Autism|style is consistent and unmistakable]]. This may be linked to Chris not knowing exactly the purpose of a blog. Ideally, you're publishing your opinions and [[Love Quest|experiences]] in a group setting, allowing constant meaningful communication. While Chris has no problems [[CWCipedia|sharing intimate details about his life]], he doesn't seem to get the communicative part. Blogs are just another place for him to spew truth and [[honesty]].

Another, arguably more important fault is that '''Chris's blogs are fucking boring.''' Most bloggers realize that if you have to spew about your pathetic life, you'd better make it interesting. While Chris does release the occasional [[PSN Blogs#31 July 2007 16:37 — PaRappin Reviews of the Top 10!|laugh]], most entries are outright [[CWC Blog#24 August 2009|annoying]].

Arguably the most notable blog ever made by Chris was the infamous [[PSN Blogs#4 August 2007 — Adam Stackhouse!!!|Adam Stackhouse blog]]. Seething with [[anger]], Chris shows that — just like with [[Wikipedia]] — he doesn't want to contribute, but enforce his beliefs on anyone who will listen.

{{quote|In any case, I LOATHE Adam and his Sister for STEALING my one chance at taking my Sweet Gal-Friend to Seattle; it would have been terriffic. I might have even been able to change her outlook on not planning on having children (she and I are both virgins; although I am a FRUSTRATED, High-Functionally AUTISTIC, 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN. And I LOATHE Surybuchwald and Aprelewsky as well, because their MUSIC probably landed those [[JERKS]] in 2nd and 3rd.| Chris, demonstrating his able skills as net citizen}}

== Chris's reading habits ==

Anyone who wants to be a good writer must be well-read. It's one of the most natural ways to become acquainted with good style, the elements of a plot, and correct spelling. Chris's [[Chris and his ego|ego]] is so inflated that he thinks he can produce something [[Honor roll|brilliant]] with no effort whatsoever. The only books Chris has ever been seen reading are paperback ''Goosebumps'' and ''Fear Street'' novels which are notable only for their sheer mediocrity. Chris read these books, which were written for elementary schoolers, well into high school. During the [[Father Call]], Chris said that he read ''[[Wikipedia: To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]'' a month prior, which is almost certainly because it was assigned in [[Manchester High School|high school]]. This was almost instantly proven false when he confused it with ''Of Mice and Men'', another high school assignment.

== See also ==
* [[Chris and art]]
* [[Chris and English]]
* [[R.L. Stine]]

== Sources ==
<references/>

{{Writings}}
{{Sonichu}}
{{Chris and}}

Bionic the Hedgehog

2011-11-13T12:34:16Z

Dann Woolf:

:''For the short story, see [[Bionic the Hedgehog (short story)]].''
{| class="infobox" style="width: 21em; font-size: 90%;"
|-
! colspan="2" | ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'' character
|-
| colspan="2" | [[File:Bion.PNG|200px]]
|-
! colspan="2" |Bionic the Hedgehog
|-
| '''Date of birth'''
| 13 November [[Sonichu chronology#1986|1986]] (in universe)
13 November [[1996]] (IRL)
|-
| '''Gender'''
| Male
|-
| '''Length'''
| 5'4" (163 cm)
|-
| '''Weight'''
| 120 lbs (54 kg)
|-
| '''Species'''
| [[Sonichu (species)|Sonichu]] ([[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]])
|-
| '''Type'''
| Electric
|-
| '''Parents'''
| [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|Chris]]
|}
[[Image:086-BionicFlag.jpg|thumb|Astci3 conquered! Remarkable! Now he just needs to conquer cross-eyedness and his colors flowing outside of the lines!]]

{{quote|Fuck bionic! It's ironic!|[[Wikipedia:Nelly|Nelly]]}}

{{quote|Bionic the Hedgehog is [[Sonic the Hedgehog]]'s long-lost brother. He is a professional [[Wikipedia:Basketball|basketball]] star and hand with tools in mechanics. He can score over 100 baskets in a single B-Ball game.|[[:Image:287-ACBionicBck.jpg|Bionic the Hedgehog Animal Crossing card]]}}

'''Bionic the Hedgehog''' (born [[Sonichu chronology#1986|13 November 1986]]<ref>[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#Slaweel_and_Graduon_Entraps_Crystal.2FNaitsirch_Transforms CWCipedia article on Sonichu]</ref>) was [[Chris]]'s first recolor, predating even his crowning achievement [[Sonichu]]. Brother of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]], Bionic loves to play basketball.

Despite his name, Bionic is not a cyborg. According to Chris, Bionic rhymes with Sonic and the "B" is for "basketball".<ref>[[Mailbag 6#Bionic's name|Mailbag 6]]</ref> He made it clear that "Bionic is not a robot" during the [[Asperchu]] saga when Alec's version of Bionic was depicted as an actual cyborg, styled after [[Wikipedia:Davros|Davros]].

==Character history==
[[Image:EarlyBionic.jpg|thumb|left|100px|An early image of Bionic, c. [[1996]]]]

Chris claims to have created Bionic way back on 13 November [[1996]], when he was standing in the middle of the hallway of his [[high school]] next to the basketball courts, staring into the void like [[Slow-in-the-minds|a retard]]. He claims that he was daydreaming about [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] character [[Wikipedia:Mighty the Armadillo|Mighty the Armadillo]].<ref>[[:Image:0233-CWCNote4.jpg|DVD, note 4]]</ref>

Standing there motionless, daydreaming about Mighty, Chris was — you guessed it — hit in the face with a basketball. This, in Chris's words, "opened the lockers to his mind," and lead to the creation of the recolor we know and tolerate today as the completely original character of Bionic the Hedgehog.

[[Bionic the Hedgehog (short story)|Bionic's backstory]]<ref>[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/bionic1.htm Bionic the Hedgehog. By: Christian W. Chandler]</ref> tells us that he was [[Sonic]]'s brother, and that when they were young, Bionic fell through a portal into a [[Chris and reality|world]] filled with [[niggos|basket ball players]]. Sonic, for his part, forgot all about his dimwitted sibling, and went on to be a real star. Cut to years later, when Bionic showed up to save his brother, and then go on to have other [[Chris and writing#Plot construction and tension|exciting adventures.]] It's interesting to note that, unlike all of Chris's other characters, Bionic was created within the [[Wikipedia:Sonic the Hedgehog (TV series)|SatAM]]/[[Wikipedia:Sonic the Hedgehog (comic series)|Archie Comic]] universe and not the video game universe.

As this was before Chris started churning out comics, Chris's very first creation Bionic was limited to only ever appearing in the occasional drawing or short story Chris thought up. Among other works, Bionic starred in the "[[Autism]] Conquered" drawing seen above, the rough sketch on the right, and a short [[Bionic the Hedgehog (short story)|self titled story]].

==In ''Sonichu''==
Years after he was initially forgotten about and replaced by another [[Sonichu|equally stupid and unoriginal recolor]], Bionic appeared in his successor's [[Sonichu (comic)|comic series]] at the end of [[Sonichu 6|''Sonichu'' #6]], where he arrives just in time to save [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|his creator]] from being murdered by his [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc|homosexual evil twin]] after Chris got beaten up again. Chris eventually regains consciousness after being initially knocked out and Bionic gives him the fourth [[Sonichu Ball]] that Chris was fighting Reldnahc for.

In the following conversation, Chris and Bionic both make some [[Chris and reality|very meta references]] to Bionic's creation and the last time Chris drew him, though Bionic for some reason does not seem to resent being almost completely forgotten about for years on end. The conversation ends with him asking Chris to provide him with a girlfriend, (you know, since he gave Sonichu one and everything), and Chris nonchalantly decides that he's now going out with [[Megan]]'s character [[Megagi La Skunk]].

[[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]] followed up this thread by showing Bionic and Megagi leaving to go on their first [[Dating|date]], and Chris, [[Sonichu]] and [[Magi-Chan]] then spent the rest of the issue traveling through time to retrieve a Sonichu Ball that had been lost in the past in [[Manchester High School]]. Chris worked his and Bionic's history into this story, recreating the above mentioned basketball incident in comic form, except with the Sonichu Ball filling the role of the basketball, which Chris then took and replaced with an actual basketball to keep the timeline consistent with his memories.

In [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], Bionic appeared again with Megagi at the beach during the spring break special, during which time Megagi recounts a story of Bionic flirting with an anthropomorphic cat until she interfered and stopped them. Bionic says nothing and passively agrees with everything, showing that he has since lost his balls.

Bionic made a reappearance in [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]], describing [[Wikipedia:Fresh Prince of Bel-Air|getting into a fight at a basketball court]] with several comical attempts at "street" slang after he and [[Darkbind]] save Sonichu from the trio of Reldnahc, [[Giovanni]] and [[Robotnik]], who had kidnapped his girlfriend [[Rosechu]].

For some reason, Bionic didn't appear again until much later into [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], where he made a brief cameo complaining about his depiction in ''[[Asperchu]]''. He made a second cameo later in the issue, being one of the characters to execute [[Alec Benson Leary]] via eight button electric chair, loudly proclaiming "I am not a robot!" as he did. Bionic's unwarranted murder of Alec is to date his last appearance.

Notably, Bionic used to look rather different from [[Sonic the Hedgehog]], with smaller head-spines and much larger back-spines, and a tail. This different (but no less stupid) profile shape is likely not so much an act of originality as much as a simple inability to properly copy Sonic's design. Chris being Chris, Bionic's current iteration in ''Sonichu'' looks like the palette-swapped Sonic the Hedgehog he always was at heart.

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:0233-CWCNote4.jpg|Genesis of Bionic
Image:BionicIRL.png|Bionic IRL
Image:Page85.jpg|Is Bionic really...[[Wikipedia:Will Smith|?]]
Image:Page85withthefreshprince.jpg|That's better!
Image:288-YuBionic.jpg|Like everything else Chris ever made, Bionic has a ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' card.
Image:ModNation Bionic.jpg|As he appears in ''[[ModNation Racers]]''.
</gallery></center>

==References==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Megagi La Skunk]]
*[[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]]
*[[Sonichu]]
*[[Bionic the Hedgehog (short story)]]
*[[Manchester High School]]

{{Not Jerks}}
{{Sonichu}}

[[Category:Characters]]
[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]

Medallions

2011-10-09T12:11:02Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:License.jpg|150px|thumb|left|Oh, yes he fucking did!]]
[[Image:ickeriss_medallions.jpg|150px|thumb|Top to bottom: [[PS3|The Good]], [[Hex Bawx|the Bad]], [[Chris and art|the Ugly]]. Left to right: The decoy Sonichu medallion, the [[Jiggliami]] medallion, the Rosechu medallion, and the [[Blake]] medallion.]]

{{quote|Watch out for the medallion!|[[Niggo|Ludacris]]}}

[[Christian Weston Chandler]] loves his original character [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] so much that he sometimes wears a handmade Sonichu medallion on his neck. In public. He also calls them "medals".<ref>[[The OFFICIAL Sonichu & Rosechu Blog]]</ref><ref>[[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|"CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!"]]</ref><ref>[[An Official Sonichu Update]]</ref><ref>[[Chris Chan Update 9 October 2008]]</ref>

The Sonichu medallion, along with his trademark [[Chris and fashion|striped shirt]], is perhaps his most famous characteristic. Over the years, Chris has produced numerous medallions of his [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]] characters. They're made from [[CHRIS!!!_CHANDLER!!!|Crayola fuckin' Model Magic.]]

==Origins and purpose==
[[Image:096-SonichuMedallion.jpg|thumb|Like anything else Chris holds dear, it also comes in card form.]]
[[Image:0608-CWCIs22.jpg|thumb|left|The earliest known photo of Chris with the medallion, from 24 February [[2004]], Chris's 22nd birthday. The medallion is in profile, with [[Wikipedia:Shrinky Dinks|Shrinky Dinks]] hanging from its chain.]]
[[Image:Abused_cat.jpg|thumb|Some unamused [[cat]].]]

Though Chris previously could not recall when he first made the medallion, in [[August 2009]], Chris finally recalled the origins of the medallion. From [[CWCipedia]]:<ref>[[CWCipedia]] on [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu Sonichu]</ref>

{{quote|Then Late [[2000]], I bought some [[Wikipedia:Crayola|Crayola]] Model Magic Clay, and I molded and crafted the First Original Sonichu Medallion that I wore around my neck with a makeshift chain (which I later replaced with a better necklace I bought from [[Anna|Pacific Sunwear]] at my [[Mall]]). Sadly, the First Original was mistrusted with a [[Blanca Weiss|feindish individual]] in [[2008]], I recrafted the Medal and continued on (The Necklace Still Holds ALL the History of the Medallions). THERE IS CURRENTLY ONLY ONE Original, True Sonichu Medallion, and it is NOT MADE FROM [[CChanSonichuCWC|PAPER]] cheaply, NOT MANUFACTURED IN A FACTORY from Plastic or Metal (yet); IT IS MADE FROM CRAYOLA MODLE MAGIC CLAY, with my Permanent Ink Signature, Copyright Note, Circle of Originality, and Two Custom Shrinkie-Dink Charms of Sonichu and an [[S-Chu Ball]].}}

Despite being allegedly created in March [[2000]], the earliest known photograph of Chris wearing a Sonichu medallion is from his twenty-second birthday, 24 February [[2004]]. In his [[So Need a Cute Girl|"So Need a Cute Girl"]] video (20 December [[2004]]) he feels it necessary to explain what it is, suggesting that it is still a relatively new feature.

In a [[Mumble]] chat on 10 [[February 2009]], Chris revealed the reason for the medallion and that is... because he wanted to. It's "like a nametag" for him.<ref>[[Mumble 6|Mumble #6]]</ref> In one of his [[ED]] edits, Chris says that his medallion "identifies him for the [[autism|high-funcioning [''sic''] Autistic]] individual that he is."<ref>[http://encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Chris-chan&diff=1997315096&oldid=1997314465] Chris ED edit, Revision as of 07:28, 10 November 2007</ref> And man, it sure does. It has also been speculated there could be other reasons for wearing his medallion, which range from simply thinking Sonichu is '''SERIOUS BUSINESS''', to being a portable anchor in our dangerous real world to [[CWCville]], his own happy world where he's always the hero who saves the day.

Chris is somewhat aware that the medallions make him look like a crazy person: he reassured [[Kacey]] that he didn't wear one to his job interview at [[Target]] (of course, this interview almost certainly did not take place, but Chris was at least aware that wearing a yellow hedgehog's head around your neck is not socially normal.)<ref>[[Kacey Call 21]]</ref>

[[File:Soniccomicmedallion.png|thumb|Chris can't come up with any original ideas.]]

One theory as to the origin of the medallion idea comes from the ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' comic series (issue #70), in which a character is depicted wearing a yellow Sonic medallion. This theory is supported by the fact the issue came out in February [[1999]], a year before Chris claims that the Sonichu medallion was created.

Each medallion is constructed from [[Wikipedia:Crayola|Crayola]] Fuckin' Model Magic, a non-toxic, easy-to-use modeling clay intended for small children. Chris wedges a keyring into the edge of each medallion, from which he can attach a chain to go around his neck. Sometimes he wears a [[Wikipedia:Wilson Sporting Goods|Wilson]] wristband on top of it because, being autistic, he mostly likely has [[Wikipedia:Sensory_defensiveness|sensory defensiveness]], which might render the sensation of the chain's links uncomfortable. Medallions are painted with acrylic paint in the color schemes of the characters they represent, with [[Chris and copyright|copyright information]] scrawled on the back. Additional detailing varies, but Chris is known to have applied [[Wikipedia:Shrinky Dinks|Shrinky Dink]] charms to certain medallions as a form of authentication, to prevent counterfeiting.

==The Sonichu medallion==
[[Image:0712-CWCCollGrad3.jpg|150px|thumb|Chris even wore it at his goddamn [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|college]] graduation.]]
[[Image:FushionRedone.jpg|150px|thumb|left|Before [[Blanca]], it was believed that the Medallion of Fail would corrupt its possessor, turning him into an autistic manchild with a poor taste in [[Chris and fashion|fashion]].]]
Chris's primary medal is his Sonichu medallion, which he has rarely been seen without for the past five years. This medallion of course depicts his main character, Sonichu. Within the canon of Chris's [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comics]], the medallion is the source of the [[Anchuent powers]] that allow Chris to assume his Electric Hedgehog alter ego, [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]].

As he explained to [[Shigeru Miyamoto]] in his [[The Sonichu Chronicles|business proposal]], the medallion gives him no special powers in real life.

Chris has repeatedly claimed that in order for it to be a TRUE and HONEST video, it will be of him wearing the medallion. In this manner, he attempted to cast doubt on the videos he posted confessing [[homos]]exuality, since he was not wearing his medallion in that footage.

 

===Prototype===
{{quote|He was also wearing a makeshift necklace that has a large plastic medallion in the shape of a Pokeman [sic] characters [sic] head. He also had a number of shrinky dink decorations attached to this necklace.|Psychiatrist describing the prototype Medallion of Fail.<ref>[[Autism_papers#MENTAL_STATUS_EXAM]]</ref>}}

[[Image:094-SchuMedl.jpg|150px|thumb|Earliest known version of the medallion.]]

[[Image:190-chumedal.jpg|150px|thumb|left|Computer rendering. This required over 9,000 hours in MS Paint, as well as an associates degree in CAD/CAM.]]

It appears that the very first medallion Chris created is the one seen to the right, which Chris was photographed wearing sporadically in [[2004]]. This design is definitely cruder than the others, with a pale yellow hue suggesting Chris was still learning how to properly apply color in this medium. This version is always seen on a metal chain, accompanied by Shrinky Dinks of a "CWC" logo, [[Sonichu]], [[Rosechu]], and the [[Chaotic Combo]].

Chris wore this medallion as late as May [[2004]], when he brought it with him to the [[Anime Mid-Atlantic]] convention that year. He would also wear this medallion later in the year, when he received a [[Autism papers#Intake Survey|psychiatric survey]].

 

===Mark 1 (and decoy)===
[[Image:Chrischan_sonichu_medal.jpg|150px|thumb|left|'''Spoiler:''' He even wears it during his sex fantasies.]]
[[Image:Decoy medallion.JPG|thumb|150px|The decoy medallion.]]

[[Image:SpecialSymbols.jpg|150px|thumb|left|The SPECIAL SYMBOLS to identify the TRUE and HONEST medallion.]]
[[Image:Terrifying by neodalion.jpg|150px|thumb|Chris's supposed reaction to the destruction of his medallion (artist's depiction).]]

By [[June 2005]] Chris had begun to wear a new medallion with a better paint job. This one can be identified by the tufts of fur on the sides of Sonichu's face, which are less pronounced than in the prototype and later models. There are no Shrinky Dinks to go with it, and instead of a chain it hangs from some sort of beaded necklace. The appearance of this version in pictures and videos seems to correspond with the introduction of Chris's red-and-blue striped shirts. This may be the medallion he was wearing in the [[So Need a Cute Girl|20 Dec 2004 video]]. It is definitely the medallion he wore to the [[2005]] Anime Mid-Atlantic convention.

No one is sure how many medallions Chris wore between 2005 and [[2008]], but in all pictures they appear roughly the same as this design. Sonichu's face has eyebrows in some photos and not in others, so either Chris was repainting the same medallion or making new ones. [[4chan]] and [[ED]] are filled with high-functioning [[autistic]]s who have pored over photographs identifying subtle differences in the medal's "ears" and "cheeks", without arriving at a consensus. For the sake of clarity, this article will assume that this was Chris's only medallion during this period.

In [[August 2008]], an anon on /v/ offered a story and photograph suggesting that he had met Chris in real life and tricked him into giving the medallion to him. However, anon aspies all immediately analyzed the details of dozens of pictures and determined the "stolen" medallion to be a forgery. This conclusion was reaffirmed when Chris himself decided to post [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 15th, 2008|a video]] announcing that the medallion had never been stolen, defiantly claiming that nobody would take it from him. He also denied it in the [[Christian Weston Chandler Interview]].

Chris claimed to have made multiple Sonichu medallions and that he would sometimes wear these decoys to frustrate attempts to steal the one true medallion. It would remain unclear whether he was bluffing until October [[2008]] when the team of [[troll]]s posing as [[Blanca Weiss]] tricked him into sending all of his medallions to them. The package they received contained no fewer than ''two'' yellow Sonichu medals: one with the special markings identifying it as the "real" one, and another with no markings. It may be assumed that these were the only two medallions he owned at that time. Neither of them was the prototype, however, and its fate is unclear.

A video that showed the destruction of the medallion was eventually uploaded to [[YouTube]]. Chris responded by [[Chris Chan Update 21 October 2008|crashing into slumber]]. Its remains are currently locked in a box somewhere at [[Wikipedia:Miskatonic University| Miskatonic University]]. As for the decoy Sonichu medallion, it ultimately ended up in the possession of [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]'s owner/webmaster, Girlvynl.

 
<center>{{#ev:youtube|bzlUoAOpiak}}</center>

 

===Mark 2===
[[Image:ChrisMomsPanties.jpg|150px|thumb|It identifies him for the high-functioning autistic individual that he is]]

After sending the medallions to Blanca, and being told by Blanca that trolls had stolen them from "her," Chris created a new Sonichu medallion with a slightly larger design. He posted [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 9th, 2008|a video]] [[lie|explaining]] that Blanca had recovered the original one and sent it back to him, and that he had modified it. This new medallion boasted a special peg on the reverse side which could be used to hold Chris's [[high school ring]], which somehow made it copy-protected.

Assuming Chris did not create any backup medallions, this is the same one he wore while posing in [[Barbara Chandler|his mother]]'s underwear at the request of [[troll]]s posing as [[Blanca]]. During this same exchange he later [[semen|ejaculated]] onto the medal. Shortly thereafter Chris posted [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 21st, 2008|a new video]] in which he is visibly not wearing the medallion. It's unclear if he replaced this soiled medallion or if he cleaned it; in either case he was wearing it (or a similar duplicate) again by 27 October.

On 3 [[March 2009]], [[Max]] coerced Chris into cutting his medallion into pieces and shoving those pieces up his [[Wikipedia:Rectum|rectum]]. The idea of Chris literally inserting these chunks of ceramic into his rectum (and therefore risking anal tearing and sepsis) was highly controversial. Some have argued that he merely placed them between his buttcheeks (either in an attempt to deceive [[Max]] or out of ignorance of how to get them past his sphincter), but in any case, the remnants of the medallion were assuredly covered in [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|fecal matter]]. Whatever happened, Chris thinks that [[Bob|his father]] would "have another heart attack" if he knew the details.

===Mark 3===
[[Image:Ecp00065.jpg|150px|thumb|Oh God, the taste...]]
[[Image:New sonichu medallion.jpg|150px|thumb|left|The first formal appearance of the Mark 3 medallion. It's like ''[[Wikipedia:The Blair Witch Project|The Blair Witch Project]]'', but only a few seconds long and the entire budget (and then some) spent on the crap on the background]]

Although Chris [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 10th, 2009|claimed]] that he was making a new medallion, he didn't wear any medal in his [[YouTube]] videos between the 3 [[March 2009]] incident and his 1 [[July 2009]] videos. During this period he argued that his high school [[ring]] may be accepted as a symbol of his truthiness. However, since this statement was made without the medallion, this was false and Chris disproved himself.

In photos released 17 [[April 2009]] of Chris in some [[butt garments]], the new medallion, Mark 3, is shown as Chris licks it in a sensuous fashion. The release of these images proved doubly hurtful for Chris, not only for showing him, a shell of a manchild, in diapers but even worse in that it confirmed that there is a new Medallion that can either be seized and/or shoved up his rectum.

Despite the fact that he had made a new medallion, Chris was for some time reluctant to wear it in his videos, allegedly out of the fear that trolls would start a new campaign to seize the medallion and/or shove it up his rectum.

On [[Captain's Log, Stardate May 22nd, 2009|22 May 2009]] this medallion made a surprise cameo in Christian's newest video. During the update, the video randomly cuts to the medallion hanging from the ceiling, only to cut back to Chris seconds afterward, presumably to add extra validity to the statements made in Chris's video.

The [[Captain's Log, Stardate July 1st, 2009|1 July 2009]] videos mark the full return of the Medallion of Fail, as Chris wears the third medallion around his neck throughout both videos.

CWC enthusiasts can look forward to Chris voluntarily surrendering the medallion to thieves and/or willingly shoving it up his rectum in the near future.

 

==The Rosechu medallion==
[[Image:Medallion Rosechu.jpg|150px|thumb|left|A gift for his beloved sister-wife]]
[[Image:Rosechu medallion.JPG|150px|thumb|Close-up]]

Only one medallion of Sonichu's [[sweetheart]] [[Rosechu]] is known to have existed, but it is speculated to be the first one Chris fashioned after the Sonichu one. The Rosechu medallion was intended to be worn by Chris's future [[heartsweet]], the one who would be his true love and bear him his [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|God-called daughter]]. Chris has never been seen wearing it himself. It was sent with the others to Blanca in October 2008.

The medallion was first revealed to the Internet in the pages of [[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu'' #4]], where Chris's [[Crystal Weston Chandler (character)|imaginary twin sister Crystal]] was introduced wearing it. In the comics Crystal possesses the same anchuent powers as Chris and the Rosechu medallion therefore allows her to become Crystalina Rosechu. That a real Rosechu medal existed was not learned until later, when Chris revealed it to [[PandaHalo]].

In case it hadn't occurred to you yet: Chris did, in real life, make a medal to be awarded to the future mother of his children, and in his fantasy world he has affixed this same medal to the twin sister he created to explore what he would be like if he'd been born female. Freud would doubtlessly have some choice words to say about this.

 

==The Black Sonichu medallion==
[[Image:Blachu Medallion.JPG|150px|thumb|left|He's too angry to show his [[fangs]]]]
[[Image:Black sonichu.JPG|150px|thumb|Close-up]]

Although Black Sonichu (now [[Blake]]) seems to have originally served as an analogue for [[Wes Iseli]],<ref>As seen in [[Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares]] - [[:File:433-CWCSNHP9.jpg]]</ref> Chris uses the Black Sonichu medallion to represent his own dark side, as he himself admits.<ref>[[IRC (16 October 2008)]]</ref> The picture at the left speaks volumes about its significance; Chris seems to believe that if he scowls hard enough and wears the evil medallion, then whoever he's angry with will be terrified into capitulation, such as when he wore it in a [[CWC is Angry|video]] aimed at [[Adam Stackhouse]].

The [[Anchuent Prophecy]] in the comics foretells that the Black Sonichu medallion would be created as a dark reflection of the original, yellow Sonichu medallion Chris wears. Beginning with [[Sonichu 6|''Sonichu'' #6]], [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] began wearing the dark medal and acting as Christian's evil twin, following the urges Chris himself keeps bottled up inside him. Like Christian, Naitsirhc summons powers from his medallion to become [[Reldnahc Ha-Taque]].

Naitsirhc's medallion notwithstanding, Black Sonichu's role as the symbol of pure evil has softened in recent years as Chris has allowed the character to soften and fall in love with [[Bubbles Rosechu]]. As such the actual Black Sonichu medallion was rarely seen until it was sent to Blanca in October [[2008]].
{{Clear}}

==The Jiggliami medallion==
Despite the purpose of the Rosechu medallion, Chris was so in love with Blanca that he created a brand-new medallion for her to wear based on Blanca's original character [[Jiggliami]]. This medallion was sent along with the others to Blanca in October 2008. Blanca was depicted wearing this medallion in [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]] and [[Sonichu 8|#8]]. It was sent to the now-former admin of the [[/cwc/]] imageboard and currently resides in a holding facility somewhere in California.

It is the simplest of the medallions, being a plain circle with no three-dimensional pieces. Consequently, it's probably the least hideous of the medallions, as Chris has limited the number of ways he can fail by giving himself less work to do.
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Jiggliamimedallion.jpg|On the back, it reads "Medallion crafted by Christian Weston Chandler."
Image:Jiggliami_Medallion_Front_Scan.jpg|Scanned image of the front of the Jiggliami Medallion.
Image:Jiggliami_Medallion_Back_Scan.jpg|Back of the Jiggliami Medallion. The signature by Chris has faded with time.
</gallery>
</center>
==The [[Asperchu]] Medallion==
[[Image:As.PNG|200px|thumb|The Medallion of Win in all its glory]]

In [[Magical Man Potion|one video]], Chris's mysterious friend is seen sporting an odd medallion. In [[02 March 2010|another video]] a few days later, the medallion is confirmed to be one of Asperchu. Apparently, it was crafted by Alec Benson Leary and given to Chris as a symbol of goodwill. In that video, Chris is pained to have the medallion around and have it hung up on his wall. The medal is still hanging on his wall to this day, covered by the box Alec sent it in so Chris get stressed by having to look at it. (although the box was seen hanging open in the [[Tomgirl Pictures]]: what this means is best not thought about).

Chris wears the medallion while impersonating Alec Benson Leary in his video [[100 2270]].

==Gone forever?==
Chris was believed to have abandoned his medallions in [[2010]], but then was seen wearing one on 6 [[September 2010]] in [[Haters gonna hate.mov]]. All was right with the world again. However, the medallion has not been seen since Chris started wearing his "Tomgirl" attire (failing to appear in either the original [[Tomgirl Pictures]] or the [[Calling Out]] videos), suggesting that at the very least Chris wears it much less than he used to do, or possibly that the medallion has finally checked out for good.
{{clear}}

==Obtaining Medallions==
Since the discovery of Chris on [[4chan]] and [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], it had been understood among trolls that the Sonichu medallion was Chris's most cherished possession and that he would cry like a bitch if it were ever taken from him, making its capture a prime objective. This proved only partially true when it was inevitably stolen. Chris does not seem to have a special attachment to any one particular medallion, but merely his ability to always wear one at all times. Further, all successful efforts to eliminate the medallions have resulted in relatively little outrage; Chris is always more concerned with his Internet girlfriends being fake than he is over losing his property because of them. Currently, there are only 2 medallions that have not been obtained by trolls or shoved up Chris's ass.

===Medallions obtained by [[Blanca Weiss]]===
*Sonichu Mark 1
*Sonichu Decoy
*Rosechu
*Black Sonichu
*Jiggliami

 
<center>{{#ev:youtube|A0H7bXHEa58}}</center>

 

===Destroyed Medallions===
*Sonichu Mark 2

===Medallions Still in Chris's Possesion===
*Sonichu Mark 3
*Asperchu

==See also==
*[[Amnyfest Ring]], another source of Chris's power

==Sources==
<references/>

{{Relics of Fail}}

[[Category:Relics of Fail]]
[[Category:Things Chris has had Sex with]]
[[Category:Arts and Crafts]]

Honor roll

2011-09-22T01:51:35Z

Dann Woolf:

{{protip|It has so far unknown whether or not Chris really did make the honor roll. [[China]] or [[pickles]] and a place in the trolling hall of fame awaits anyone who can conclusively prove or disprove Chris's honor roll status.}}

[[Image:0558-ChrisChanOfY2KClass.jpg|thumb|right|The white sash says Chris made the honor roll, but the [[The creepy stare|slack-jawed stare]] says so much more.]]

{{quote|No solamente con ellos, pero con mis puntos [sic] de HONOR ROLL. ¡Bueño! [sic]|Ricardo Weston Chandler <ref>Translation: Not lonely with them, but with my points [should be "puntas"] of HONOR ROLL. Good!</ref>}}

{{quote| I AM HONOR ROLL!| [[Liquid Chris]]}}

{{quote|HONOR ROLL MY ASS|[[Vivian Gee]], [[Audiobooks]]}}

Chris's presence on the '''honor roll''' in [[high school]] is something he often brings up as evidence of his [[Slow-in-the-minds|intelligence]]. Despite his insistence to the contrary, Chris's past behavior and obvious gullibility, poor communication and self-delusion cast doubt on this claim. Chris likes to boast of his honor roll status wherever possible, due to it being the closest thing in his life to an actual accomplishment.

==Where Chris has claimed Honor Roll status==
Chris has trumpeted his honor-roll status in a number of his documents and videos.

*In [[Sub-Episode 2]], Chris drops the honor-roll line in a post-script to his unsolicited follow-up email to [[Hanna]]. Because the girl who just deliberately [[troll]]ed your [[heart level]] down to 15% will flip for you if you're on the honor roll.
*In his [[Miyamoto emails|e-mails]] to [[Shigeru Miyamoto]], he apparently thought making the honor roll would impress a world-renowned game designer.
*Likewise, he mentioned the honor roll early in his [[Blanca E-mails|e-mail exchanges with Blanca]].
*The honor roll gets a shout-out in the lyrics to "[[A-U-T-I-S-M]]" by [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys (album)|Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]].
*Chris's [[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile|Wikipedia autobiography]] prominently mentioned the honor roll.
*In his [[Aspergers (CWCipedia article)|Asperger's rant]], Chris cited making the honor roll as one of many ways in which he overcame the obstacles presented by his [[autism]], and how he is apparently better than those with [[Aspergers]].
*In his [[Chris Chan's Public Announcement|first public plea for understanding on YouTube]], Chris mentioned the honor roll in passing.
*Chris's first [[OkCupid]] profile from [[February 2009]] announces that he made the honor roll.
*In [[CWC Update 29 July 2009]], Chris bragged about his "honor roll points" as one of the many qualities that apparently set him apart from [[Liquid Chris]].
*In response, Liquid Chris picked up the honor-roll catchphrase himself, using it in one of their arguments over the phone.{{cite}}
*In the [[Autism Awareness E-mails]], Chris mentioned making the honor roll as one reason why he did not need a caretaker or other supervision.

==Chris made the honor roll?==
In Chris's graduation pictures from both high school and college, he is wearing a sash that generally indicates graduating with honors. This only means so much without additional context, though. Depending on his school's standards for who winds up on the honor roll, it may not represent that impressive an achievement, especially if Chris was able to rack up the required grade point average with remedial course work instead of normal classes. In some schools, the only requirement is a minimum GPA, so anyone with a GPA of, say, 3.5, is on the honor roll, even if every single course was a remedial course. For what it's worth, the psychiatrist who conducted Chris's [[autism papers|intake survey]] in [[2004]] noted that Chris took regular classes in high school, but he may have only had Chris's word for that. It's also noted that often times with honor roll, it's not hard to get honor roll if you have done all your homework and class work and did adequate on tests, even in a normal class setting. So, A in homework, and C in tests, MIGHT average to the B area, at least enough to be considered in the honor roll.

On the other hand, it's not completely out of the question to consider that Chris might have been able to get decent grades in school. His emotional and social issues have always made judging his actual intelligence a little tricky. In "[[Song of Christian]]", he is enraged to receive an "F" in English, suggesting that he usually got good grades, and also rages ''I mean, I started off with an "A" and you just lowered it, lowered, lowered it!"'', indicating that he initially made good grades in the class, but for one reason or another, they slipped into "F"'s before long.

Chris's basic cognitive functions work fine, as the 2004 psychiatric survey confirmed, and in some respects he seems to be no less intellectually capable than many ordinary people. He has a reasonable facility with [[computers]] and technology, for instance. At the same time, his laziness, [[naïve|naïveté]], [[Chris and his ego|egotism]] and [[Chris and sex|raging hormones]] have obviously led him to ever-increasing depths of self-destructively foolish behavior. The Miyamoto saga offers an interesting example of this contrast: Chris was bright enough to eventually work out that the e-mails he received from "Miyamoto" came from an easily-spoofed domain... but then if he weren't so blinded by his ego, he would never have believed that [[Nintendo]] was interested in his [[Sonichu|shitty knockoff character]] in the first place.

So, is Chris too stupid to have made the honor roll? Maybe. Is Chris too gullible, arrogant, and led about by his [[duck]] to function in real life? Definitely.

One would think that all Chris needs to do is to post his grades in order to end the doubts to his alleged intelligence. Sadly, according to [[Mailbag 19]], Chris's report card papers are said to be locked away beyond his reach (which could mean a number of things - they could be locked away, buried under the piles of shit that litter his house, he doesn't have them anymore and he doesn't want to reveal that to others, or he's just too lazy to get up and find them), we may never know the truth until something finally snaps and he's able to get them. On the other hand, he's probably had them all along, and would never reveal them because they prove that he's the dumbfuck we know him to be.

Contradictorily, Chris also claims that the grades testifying to honor roll status are a matter of [[Mailbag 21#When you're 27, nobody really cares about your high school report cards|public record]], but was too lazy to procure them himself. [[Trolls|Those]] who have (or desire) access to the Chesterfield County Public Schools hall of records should take note; transcripts are not too difficult to obtain.

It is noteworthy that [[Bob Chandler|Chris' father]] stated in a Prank Call that Chris did not, in fact, make the Honor Roll.<ref>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npFYbb2sccs</ref> It is possible that Bob is either mistaken, lying or progressing into senility.

==Notes and references==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Manchester High School]]
*[[Slow-in-the-minds]]
*[[Piedmont Virginia Community College]]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:Education]]
[[Category:CWC-isms]]

Chris and money

2011-09-22T01:46:57Z

Dann Woolf:

{{quote|He's not good at math when it comes to managing money.|[[Bob Chandler]]<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript]]</ref>}}

It's obvious that [[Chris]] himself has no grasp on the real value of '''money''', since he actively wastes as much of his [[monthly tugboat]] as possible on luxuries like [[Eye of Judgement|trading cards]], [[Officer Nasty|sex toys]], [[Duck|porn]], [[PS3|video games]], and, more recently, [[alcohol]] and [[Kaka Makeup Basics|make-up]]. He also once, when giving out the laws of [[CWCville]], equated 10 years in prison to a US$1,500 fine.<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008]]</ref> He also equated fifty hours of [[Wikipedia:Community service|community service]] to $500 (for any [[sex]]ual violations).<ref>[[Mailbag_31#Magi-Chan_knows_when_you_fuck]]</ref>

Chris is a self-admitted impulse buyer. His [[PSN]] account shows that he's never played more than half of the games he's bought. And yet, astoundingly, he's still gone out of his way to buy ''all'' available downloadable content for ''every'' [[PS3]] game that he's ever purchased, and he also further promoted his Sony fanboyism by later buying a Sony LCD HDTV for his bedroom which likely cost about $1,000-$1,500. All the while, Chris bought his [[Chris and fashion|clothes]] at second-hand discount thrift stores.

==But wait, Chris isn't employed! ==

Chris's only source of income is the $809 [[monthly tugboat|"tugboat"]] that he receives from the U.S. federal government every month, placing his annual income at $9,708. Chris's parents originally took $450 to pay for room and board.<ref>Miyamoto Saga</ref>; this payment was later increased to $565, and then to $580, after [[Bob]] paid off Chris's enormous credit card debt.<ref>[[Vivian Gee E-mails, 2009#8 December]]</ref><ref>[[Jackie Chat 8]]</ref>

{{quote|My father helped me get my Social Security set up; I get more a month than I could at a job. Yet with my impuslive shoppiness (mostly controable), I end up spending my side-money after I get it.
|Chris, [[Chris_and_His_Ego|completely deluded and taking pride in being a lazy bastard]].<ref>[[Miyamoto Saga]]</ref>}}

[[Bob Chandler|Chris's father]] had been encouraging his son to remain unemployed, since he believed that Chris will earn more money from his monthly tugboat than from getting a job. However, this assumption is inaccurate. Minimum wage in the state of [[Virginia]] is $7.25 an hour. If Chris were to somehow do a complete 180° on his life and begin working a full forty-hour week, his monthly payment before taxes and payment for room and board would be about $1,260: $15,100 annually. Subtracting what he pays his parents to live in filth monthly, as well as the 5% tax his income range mandates in the state of Virginia, Chris could very likely be left with a ridiculous $8,000 in ''spending'' money, as in, for more [[sex toys]] and [[video games]]. Contrast this with the $2,748 Chris pulls annually from the government after paying off his parents, and it becomes clear that Bob's encouragement comes from either thinking Chris would lose his social security if employed (which he wouldn't) or knowing that his son is a failure.

A very likely explanation for Chris's reckless spending is that his coddling parents are at fault (to a degree at least). In addition to coddling him throughout his entire life, they have managed to make sure that Chris has never felt the repercussions for his exorbitant spending by taking over paying Chris's credit card debt, regularly giving him about "$6 a day for small things", buying him [[List of restaurants|fast food]] on a daily basis, and continuing to let himself blow all his money on [[list of Chris's video games|frivolities]] and useless stuff, as opposed to essentials like [[Chris and health#Chris and hygiene|hygiene products]]. Whenever Chris manages to [[The GAMe PLACe|get himself into trouble]], he knows that Barb will come [[Matthew Noble call|running to his aid and defend him]] and dig him out of whatever mess he's managed to get himself into, even if it is clear that he [[Target|is in the wrong]]. This enabling is the most likely explanation (in addition to his [[autism|poor impulse control]]) for why Chris spends himself into debt as much as he does.

Chris believes that by receiving and spending his tugboat on useless shit, he is aiding the economy and paying for the tugboat of others.<ref>[[Mailbag 34#In which Chris fails economics forever]]</ref> Again, this demonstrates his idiocy since sales tax goes to the state government and these "tugboats" are paid with federal payroll tax. Apparently, this is too complex for Chris's autistic mind. Where Chris is hiding the printing press to afford this discretionary spending is unknown.

Interestingly enough, while he has no clue how to handle [[money]], Chris has an unhealthy [[Ego|fixation]] on his material possessions. In [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]], he stated that he did not want to sell any of his stuff, and in the [[Miyamoto Saga]], he refused to sell anything to help raise money for the trip to Redmond.

==Credit cards==
As surprising as it is that Chris has his own credit cards, it is equally unsurprising how unwisely he uses them. As of [[February 2009]], Chris had managed to rack up $2,000 worth of debt (at the time of [[Mumble 4]], $1,000 of that sum came from the [[PSN]] store, but his bill for PSN downloads increased by the day) and had even stolen his parents' credit cards to use when his own were maxed out. According to an [[Vivian_Gee_E-mails_2|e-mail Chris sent to Vivian Gee]], by [[January 2010]] his debt was around $3,500 and had apparently been higher at some point in the intervening time.

By then, [[Bob Chandler]] had to step in, forcing Chris to put the brakes on his spending and pay down his debt according to a regular schedule. Chris, unaware of or uninterested in the fact that unpaid credit-card debt accrues severe interest, had historically made payments in the smallest installments possible.

Chris provided some more details about this situation in his [[Jackie E-mails 6|e-mails to Jackie]] from [[July 2010]]. At some point, Bob paid off Chris's credit card debt and took payment in installments out of the [[monthly tugboat]] in compensation. This act of parental scapegoating could have potentially cleared Chris's future to be free of bad credit and crushing debt, had he not already acquired another credit card...

=== Best Buy Mastercard ===

In the [[Matthew Noble call]], Bob himself revealed that Chris had not only acquired a MasterCard charge account through [[Best Buy]], but as of the second week of [[August 2010]], Chris had somehow used it to land himself in yet more debt and had been laden with fees for bouncing a card payment. Bob, in the throes of some sort of conspiracy paranoia involving the staff and patrons of [[the GAMe PLACe]], claimed that it was most likely [[Michael Snyder]] who had hacked Chris's credit card and checking accounts, though why someone who's been on a manager's salary for several years would bother stealing from Chris is unknown. Also unknown is why ''any'' financial institution would give Chris a line of credit at this point.

Bob continued that the resulting transactions may have ruined Chris' credit rating (though that ship has ''long'' since fucking sailed), and, in a disturbingly Chris-like fashion, seemed to use this damning information to try to make Chris' latest brush with the [[law]] seem "petty" in comparison.

There are three possibilities as to what actually occurred (from least to most likely):
* [[Troll]]s achieved this new pinnacle of fucking with Chris and didn't bother bragging about it on some forum or another.
* Some regular criminal's credit card fraud scheme, just by chance, hit Chris.
* Chris blew whatever little credit that Best Buy had foolishly given him; he mistakenly attempted to pay off the card with funds from his checking account that weren't there; and then he blamed his debt on trolls, in another transparent attempt to avoid responsibility.

One of Chris's [[Jackie_E-mails_7|e-mails to Jackie]] reveals that Chris acquired the Best Buy charge card without his parents' permission: he only told them about it after receiving two bounced check fees that showed up on his bank statement, which his father was actively monitoring. In true Chris fashion, he tried to pay the minimum balance each month. When he was forced to reveal the debt to his parents, Bob was obviously less than thrilled. He promptly took control of Chris's bank account as well as his credit cards. Chris now receives only an allowance in the form of Visa gift cards, leaving him unable to accrue any more debt. The prospect of not being able to blow his welfare on frivolities [[Jackie_E-mails_8|stressed him out]].

Curiously, even in his private communications with [[Jackie]], Chris claims that the overdraft fees that gave away the existence of the card to Bob were the work of trolls. Elsewhere in their conversations, however, he recounts other instances of "getting carried away" and accidentally overdrawing his bank account, suggesting that he's just using the trolls as a handy scapegoat for his own mistakes.

With Bob's passing comes the possibility that Chris may once again have full control of his money, putting at risk what Bob had worked towards.

==In the comic==

[[File:Cwccash.jpg|thumb|250px|[[CWCville]] currency.]]
In [[Sonichu (comic)|the comic]] it is clear Chris has no idea how money works. [[Sonichu]], [[Rosechu]], [[Patti-Chan]], and most likely all of the other characters live off welfare, just like Chris IRL. He seems to have no concept of tax, or that it's the [[American]] populace who pay for his [[Kimmi|bullshit]]. Sonichu and Rosechu are living in a two-story house with an attic offered by the city and they are [[Mailbag 21#Home economics|"paid" in average]] of US$3,500 a month just to hang around. And maybe for the occasional [[Sonichu 9|city defense]] or [[A Sonichu Day|errand]].<ref>[[Mailbag 21]]</ref>

In [[Sonichu 9|Episode 19]], it's shown that CWCVille actually issues its own currency, in the form of C-Quarters and W-Quarters. Ten C-Quarters make up a W-Quarter - don't bother asking how that makes sense in any way, considering [[honor roll|what the word "quarter" means]]. (Our best guess: C-Quarters = US$0.25, W-Quarters = US$2.50) Nor does it explain why fines are levied in U.S. dollars: perhaps to bolster the dictatorship's foreign currency reserves, a la [[Wikipedia:North Korea|North Korea]].

This makes even less sense considering [[CWCVille]] is part of the [[United States]], and states, let alone cities, while having considerable power, cannot print their own money. The Constitution expressly forbids anyone else other than the federal government from issuing currency. Granted, states used to issue their own money - when they were colonies, and during hard times like the Revolutionary War. [[Chris]] being Chris, and likely reading [[Goosebumps]] instead of paying attention in class, missed out on this information.

==In other works==
Chris shows us his complete misunderstanding of the stress his ideas would put on the American [[Wikipedia:Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] system if he was left in charge of it in a text called "[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story]]." This is where the idea of "Soup Hotels" came from.

{{quote|Even the homeless have a place to stay in the ten Soup Kitchens/Hotels.|Chris with a very bad idea [http://leoweekly.com/news/left-wayside that has come to fruition in one American city...]}}

Chris depicts "Soup Hotels" as buildings ten stories tall with between ten and twenty rooms per floor, equipped with single bathrooms, bed, lighting and cable TV.<ref>[[Mailbag 20]]</ref> Of course, the homeless stay there for free. So, instead of building homeless shelters with dormitories, common rooms, and shared TV sets, Chris thinks the homeless should be treated to all the comforts of a ''bona fide'' hotel. This means that, in [[CWCville]], there are around 1,500 homeless people left outside. This might be the result of the local industry, choked by heavy taxes needed to pay those social expenses, being unable to make a profit there and thus moving away.

In [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], [[Ultra Sonichu]] and a bevy of [[Rosechu (species)|Rosechus]] stop at a soup hotel. The building is labeled Soup Hotel 17, implying that [[CWCville]] has had to open at least seven new homeless shelters in the span of a month, or they're just bad at numbering the things. Or more tellingly, that the economy of CWCville is crashing to the ground, fast.

In [[Mailbag 29]] he stated that $10 an hour is a reasonable price to pay for sex with a prostitute. To show his further ignorance of simple economics, Chris proposed a chain of state-run brothels where this shockingly inexpensive fee would not only pay women for sex, pay the salary of a pimp (which would be a redundant middleman in a state-approved brothel), pay for STD testing for the prostitutes, but would also pay for free [[Dating education|Sex Ed classes]] for [[virgin]]s.

In real life, Chris tried to scam his way out of paying for sex with a Craigslist [[Chris and sex#Prostitution|prostitute]] who was charging $100 per hour by telling her about the trolls, his life story, and his many personal problems. The prostitute hung up on him. {{cite}}

Chris also proves us that, in the possibility of being part of a family, he wouldn't be the main purveyor. In the [[PlayingHouse]] video, his [[sweetheart]] of [[Jackie|the moment]] is portrayed as a successful journalist with high ambitions while he's a [[14 Branchland Court|stay at home]] Dad. Even then, he portrays himself doing "hard work" like [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|changing diapers]] and watching over the kids. In this last role, he's so incompetent that he needs to recruit his [[Crystal|preschool daughter]] to watch over [[Reginald Chandler|his son]] while he's shopping.

== On TV ==
In [[Mumble 6]], Chris discussed making a TV show called ''The Chris Chandler Show''. One of his demands was the show should not have any commercial breaks, either showing a distinct lack of understanding as to how a TV station makes money, or perhaps he plans to sell the advertising fees to a single company so that they can play a long ad in the beginning of the air time and leave the rest of the show uninterrupted, à-la the season premieres of [[wikipedia:24 (TV Series)|''24'']]. We cannot know for sure, but he has probably seen at least one show that has done this, and gathered the idea from there.

Chris also seems to not understand that [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|if the health department, of Greene County, sees that TV show, that he put on the damn TV, they could be evicted, and he would have to move out]].

==See also==
*[[Monthly tugboat]]

==Sauce==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

Chris and money

2011-09-22T01:46:33Z

Dann Woolf:

{{quote|He's not good at math when it comes to managing money.|[[Bob Chandler]]<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript]]</ref>}}

It's obvious that [[Chris]] himself has no grasp on the real value of '''money''', since he actively wastes as much of his [[monthly tugboat]] as possible on luxuries like [[Eye of Judgement|trading cards]], [[Officer Nasty|sex toys]], [[Duck|porn]], [[PS3|video games]], and, more recently, [[alcohol]] and [[Kaka Makeup Basics|make-up]]. He also once, when giving out the laws of [[CWCville]], equated 10 years in prison to a US$1,500 fine.<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008]]</ref> He also equated fifty hours of [[Wikipedia:Community service|community service]] to $500 (for any [[sex]]ual violations).<ref>[[Mailbag_31#Magi-Chan_knows_when_you_fuck]]</ref>

Chris is a self-admitted impulse buyer. His [[PSN]] account shows that he's never played more than half of the games he's bought. And yet, astoundingly, he's still gone out of his way to buy ''all'' available downloadable content for ''every'' [[PS3]] game that he's ever purchased, and he also further promoted his Sony fanboyism by later buying a Sony LCD HDTV for his bedroom which likely cost about $1,000-$1,500. All the while, Chris bought his [[Chris and fashion|clothes]] at second-hand discount thrift stores.

==But wait, Chris isn't employed! ==

Chris's only source of income is the $809 [[monthly tugboat|"tugboat"]] that he receives from the U.S. federal government every month, placing his annual income at $9,708. Chris's parents originally took $450 to pay for room and board.<ref>Miyamoto Saga</ref>; this payment was later increased to $565, and then to $580, after [[Bob]] paid off Chris's enormous credit card debt.<ref>[[Vivian Gee E-mails, 2009#8 December]]</ref><ref>[[Jackie Chat 8]]</ref>

{{quote|My father helped me get my Social Security set up; I get more a month than I could at a job. Yet with my impuslive shoppiness (mostly controable), I end up spending my side-money after I get it.
|Chris, [[Chris_and_His_Ego|completely deluded and taking pride in being a lazy bastard]].<ref>[[Miyamoto Saga]]</ref>}}

[[Bob Chandler|Chris's father]] had been encouraging his son to remain unemployed, since he believed that Chris will earn more money from his monthly tugboat than from getting a job. However, this assumption is inaccurate. Minimum wage in the state of [[Virginia]] is $7.25 an hour. If Chris were to somehow do a complete 180° on his life and begin working a full forty-hour week, his monthly payment before taxes and payment for room and board would be about $1,260: $15,100 annually. Subtracting what he pays his parents to live in filth monthly, as well as the 5% tax his income range mandates in the state of Virginia, Chris could very likely be left with a ridiculous $8,000 in ''spending'' money, as in, for more [[sex toys]] and [[video games]]. Contrast this with the $2,748 Chris pulls annually from the government after paying off his parents, and it becomes clear that Bob's encouragement comes from either thinking Chris would lose his social security if employed (which he wouldn't) or knowing that his son is a failure.

A very likely explanation for Chris's reckless spending is that his coddling parents are at fault (to a degree at least). In addition to coddling him throughout his entire life, they have managed to make sure that Chris has never felt the repercussions for his exorbitant spending by taking over paying Chris's credit card debt, regularly giving him about "$6 a day for small things", buying him [[List of restaurants|fast food]] on a daily basis, and continuing to let himself blow all his money on [[list of Chris's video games|frivolities]] and useless stuff, as opposed to essentials like [[Chris and health#Chris and hygiene|hygiene products]]. Whenever Chris manages to [[The GAMe PLACe|get himself into trouble]], he knows that Bob and Barb will come [[Matthew Noble call|running to his aid and defend him]] and dig him out of whatever mess he's managed to get himself into, even if it is clear that he [[Target|is in the wrong]]. This enabling is the most likely explanation (in addition to his [[autism|poor impulse control]]) for why Chris spends himself into debt as much as he does.

Chris believes that by receiving and spending his tugboat on useless shit, he is aiding the economy and paying for the tugboat of others.<ref>[[Mailbag 34#In which Chris fails economics forever]]</ref> Again, this demonstrates his idiocy since sales tax goes to the state government and these "tugboats" are paid with federal payroll tax. Apparently, this is too complex for Chris's autistic mind. Where Chris is hiding the printing press to afford this discretionary spending is unknown.

Interestingly enough, while he has no clue how to handle [[money]], Chris has an unhealthy [[Ego|fixation]] on his material possessions. In [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]], he stated that he did not want to sell any of his stuff, and in the [[Miyamoto Saga]], he refused to sell anything to help raise money for the trip to Redmond.

==Credit cards==
As surprising as it is that Chris has his own credit cards, it is equally unsurprising how unwisely he uses them. As of [[February 2009]], Chris had managed to rack up $2,000 worth of debt (at the time of [[Mumble 4]], $1,000 of that sum came from the [[PSN]] store, but his bill for PSN downloads increased by the day) and had even stolen his parents' credit cards to use when his own were maxed out. According to an [[Vivian_Gee_E-mails_2|e-mail Chris sent to Vivian Gee]], by [[January 2010]] his debt was around $3,500 and had apparently been higher at some point in the intervening time.

By then, [[Bob Chandler]] had to step in, forcing Chris to put the brakes on his spending and pay down his debt according to a regular schedule. Chris, unaware of or uninterested in the fact that unpaid credit-card debt accrues severe interest, had historically made payments in the smallest installments possible.

Chris provided some more details about this situation in his [[Jackie E-mails 6|e-mails to Jackie]] from [[July 2010]]. At some point, Bob paid off Chris's credit card debt and took payment in installments out of the [[monthly tugboat]] in compensation. This act of parental scapegoating could have potentially cleared Chris's future to be free of bad credit and crushing debt, had he not already acquired another credit card...

=== Best Buy Mastercard ===

In the [[Matthew Noble call]], Bob himself revealed that Chris had not only acquired a MasterCard charge account through [[Best Buy]], but as of the second week of [[August 2010]], Chris had somehow used it to land himself in yet more debt and had been laden with fees for bouncing a card payment. Bob, in the throes of some sort of conspiracy paranoia involving the staff and patrons of [[the GAMe PLACe]], claimed that it was most likely [[Michael Snyder]] who had hacked Chris's credit card and checking accounts, though why someone who's been on a manager's salary for several years would bother stealing from Chris is unknown. Also unknown is why ''any'' financial institution would give Chris a line of credit at this point.

Bob continued that the resulting transactions may have ruined Chris' credit rating (though that ship has ''long'' since fucking sailed), and, in a disturbingly Chris-like fashion, seemed to use this damning information to try to make Chris' latest brush with the [[law]] seem "petty" in comparison.

There are three possibilities as to what actually occurred (from least to most likely):
* [[Troll]]s achieved this new pinnacle of fucking with Chris and didn't bother bragging about it on some forum or another.
* Some regular criminal's credit card fraud scheme, just by chance, hit Chris.
* Chris blew whatever little credit that Best Buy had foolishly given him; he mistakenly attempted to pay off the card with funds from his checking account that weren't there; and then he blamed his debt on trolls, in another transparent attempt to avoid responsibility.

One of Chris's [[Jackie_E-mails_7|e-mails to Jackie]] reveals that Chris acquired the Best Buy charge card without his parents' permission: he only told them about it after receiving two bounced check fees that showed up on his bank statement, which his father was actively monitoring. In true Chris fashion, he tried to pay the minimum balance each month. When he was forced to reveal the debt to his parents, Bob was obviously less than thrilled. He promptly took control of Chris's bank account as well as his credit cards. Chris now receives only an allowance in the form of Visa gift cards, leaving him unable to accrue any more debt. The prospect of not being able to blow his welfare on frivolities [[Jackie_E-mails_8|stressed him out]].

Curiously, even in his private communications with [[Jackie]], Chris claims that the overdraft fees that gave away the existence of the card to Bob were the work of trolls. Elsewhere in their conversations, however, he recounts other instances of "getting carried away" and accidentally overdrawing his bank account, suggesting that he's just using the trolls as a handy scapegoat for his own mistakes.

With Bob's passing comes the possibility that Chris may once again have full control of his money, putting at risk what Bob had worked towards.

==In the comic==

[[File:Cwccash.jpg|thumb|250px|[[CWCville]] currency.]]
In [[Sonichu (comic)|the comic]] it is clear Chris has no idea how money works. [[Sonichu]], [[Rosechu]], [[Patti-Chan]], and most likely all of the other characters live off welfare, just like Chris IRL. He seems to have no concept of tax, or that it's the [[American]] populace who pay for his [[Kimmi|bullshit]]. Sonichu and Rosechu are living in a two-story house with an attic offered by the city and they are [[Mailbag 21#Home economics|"paid" in average]] of US$3,500 a month just to hang around. And maybe for the occasional [[Sonichu 9|city defense]] or [[A Sonichu Day|errand]].<ref>[[Mailbag 21]]</ref>

In [[Sonichu 9|Episode 19]], it's shown that CWCVille actually issues its own currency, in the form of C-Quarters and W-Quarters. Ten C-Quarters make up a W-Quarter - don't bother asking how that makes sense in any way, considering [[honor roll|what the word "quarter" means]]. (Our best guess: C-Quarters = US$0.25, W-Quarters = US$2.50) Nor does it explain why fines are levied in U.S. dollars: perhaps to bolster the dictatorship's foreign currency reserves, a la [[Wikipedia:North Korea|North Korea]].

This makes even less sense considering [[CWCVille]] is part of the [[United States]], and states, let alone cities, while having considerable power, cannot print their own money. The Constitution expressly forbids anyone else other than the federal government from issuing currency. Granted, states used to issue their own money - when they were colonies, and during hard times like the Revolutionary War. [[Chris]] being Chris, and likely reading [[Goosebumps]] instead of paying attention in class, missed out on this information.

==In other works==
Chris shows us his complete misunderstanding of the stress his ideas would put on the American [[Wikipedia:Social Security (United States)|Social Security]] system if he was left in charge of it in a text called "[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story]]." This is where the idea of "Soup Hotels" came from.

{{quote|Even the homeless have a place to stay in the ten Soup Kitchens/Hotels.|Chris with a very bad idea [http://leoweekly.com/news/left-wayside that has come to fruition in one American city...]}}

Chris depicts "Soup Hotels" as buildings ten stories tall with between ten and twenty rooms per floor, equipped with single bathrooms, bed, lighting and cable TV.<ref>[[Mailbag 20]]</ref> Of course, the homeless stay there for free. So, instead of building homeless shelters with dormitories, common rooms, and shared TV sets, Chris thinks the homeless should be treated to all the comforts of a ''bona fide'' hotel. This means that, in [[CWCville]], there are around 1,500 homeless people left outside. This might be the result of the local industry, choked by heavy taxes needed to pay those social expenses, being unable to make a profit there and thus moving away.

In [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], [[Ultra Sonichu]] and a bevy of [[Rosechu (species)|Rosechus]] stop at a soup hotel. The building is labeled Soup Hotel 17, implying that [[CWCville]] has had to open at least seven new homeless shelters in the span of a month, or they're just bad at numbering the things. Or more tellingly, that the economy of CWCville is crashing to the ground, fast.

In [[Mailbag 29]] he stated that $10 an hour is a reasonable price to pay for sex with a prostitute. To show his further ignorance of simple economics, Chris proposed a chain of state-run brothels where this shockingly inexpensive fee would not only pay women for sex, pay the salary of a pimp (which would be a redundant middleman in a state-approved brothel), pay for STD testing for the prostitutes, but would also pay for free [[Dating education|Sex Ed classes]] for [[virgin]]s.

In real life, Chris tried to scam his way out of paying for sex with a Craigslist [[Chris and sex#Prostitution|prostitute]] who was charging $100 per hour by telling her about the trolls, his life story, and his many personal problems. The prostitute hung up on him. {{cite}}

Chris also proves us that, in the possibility of being part of a family, he wouldn't be the main purveyor. In the [[PlayingHouse]] video, his [[sweetheart]] of [[Jackie|the moment]] is portrayed as a successful journalist with high ambitions while he's a [[14 Branchland Court|stay at home]] Dad. Even then, he portrays himself doing "hard work" like [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|changing diapers]] and watching over the kids. In this last role, he's so incompetent that he needs to recruit his [[Crystal|preschool daughter]] to watch over [[Reginald Chandler|his son]] while he's shopping.

== On TV ==
In [[Mumble 6]], Chris discussed making a TV show called ''The Chris Chandler Show''. One of his demands was the show should not have any commercial breaks, either showing a distinct lack of understanding as to how a TV station makes money, or perhaps he plans to sell the advertising fees to a single company so that they can play a long ad in the beginning of the air time and leave the rest of the show uninterrupted, à-la the season premieres of [[wikipedia:24 (TV Series)|''24'']]. We cannot know for sure, but he has probably seen at least one show that has done this, and gathered the idea from there.

Chris also seems to not understand that [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|if the health department, of Greene County, sees that TV show, that he put on the damn TV, they could be evicted, and he would have to move out]].

==See also==
*[[Monthly tugboat]]

==Sauce==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

PS3

2011-09-22T01:39:40Z

Dann Woolf:

{{taxpayermoney}}

[[Image:Sony playstation 3.jpg|thumb|A life upgrade.]]

The [[Sony]] '''PlayStation 3''' (purchased 17 March [[2007]]<ref>[[PS3 History Level]]</ref> - [[The MovingFoward videos|28 August 2010]]) was [[Chris]]'s original "life upgrade". He wanted to win one in a contest, so he made [[Pixelated PS3|a video]] where he built one out of [[Pixelblocks]]. He would "throw out the cure for [[autism]]" for one.<ref>[[Pixelated PS3]]</ref> Chris eventually went ahead and bought one with taxpayer money from his [[monthly tugboat]], using one of his many collected credit cards. In [[August 2010]], following [[#Molestations and other PS3 damage|repeated PS3 abuse]], he [[#Destruction|destroyed]] his life upgrade.

Chris's replacement '''PS3''' is his second life upgrade. Despite ceremoniously [[The MovingFoward videos|"MovingFoward"]] only a few days before, Chris could not live without his life upgrade, and so reportedly wasted yet more of [[America]]ns' tax dollars replacing it. He was earning new trophies with it by the second week of September 2010. May the frivolous [[PSN]] spending and hacking drama continue.

==PlayStation Network==

[[Image:Etc playstation.PNG|thumb|Confirmation e-mails, a testament to Chris's financial responsibility.]]

Being as irresponsible with [[Chris and money|money]] as he is, Chris went into overdrive with this feature of the PS3's [[online]] capabilities. Chris has spent so much on the PSN, it has contributed most of his credit card debt (roughly $3,500 as of early 2010).

You might ask yourself how he could spend that much and what he could spend it on. Chris seemingly buys everything possible, from game content to movies to several episodes of terrible harem [[anime]]. A list of Chris's PSN purchases reveals that he has even bought upgrades to games he doesn't even own.

Chris has spent at least '''$3,430.20''' in American [[Monthly tugboat|taxpayer dollars]].

=== Spending history ===
The following table chronicles Chris's deposits into his PlayStation Network "wallet" between April 2007 and February 2010, the period for which detailed records of his transactions are available (thanks to the work of expert hackers).

Some interesting patterns can be spotted in his spending habits. He was relatively thrifty for most of 2007 and into early 2008, when he still had a few other outlets for entertaining himself outside his home. There's a sharp spike around the time of his first ban from [[The GAMe PLACe]], though (and he might also have been binging to get over his "breakup" with Megan Schroeder, which happened that same spring). Likewise, it's perhaps not a coincidence that after Chris was permanently booted from The PLACe in the summer of 2008, he began spending a good deal more money on the PSN.

In light of the second wave of the [[Vivian Gee E-mails, 2010|Vivian Gee e-mails]], Chris's spending in early 2010 is impressive. Despite being supposedly put on a strict budget by his father at the time (in order to pay down debts created by his earlier PSN spending), he still managed to spend around $100 or more a month.

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! '''Month
! '''Amount
! '''Month
! '''Amount
! '''Month
! '''Amount
! '''Month
! '''Amount
! '''Month
! '''Amount
|-
| February 2010
| '''$130.00
| July 2009
| '''$80.00
| December 2008
| '''$150.00
| May 2008
| '''$90.00
| October 2007
| '''$55.00
|-
| January 2010
| '''$90.00
| June 2009
| '''$170.00
| November 2008
| '''$110.00
| April 2008
| '''$16.02
| September 2007
| '''$35.00
|-
| December 2009
| '''$234.29
| May 2009
| '''$135.00
| October 2008
| '''$90.07
| March 2008
| '''$20.00
| August 2007
| '''$65.00
|-
| November 2009
| '''$215.00
| April 2009
| '''$225.00
| September 2008
| '''$90.00
| February 2008
| '''$20.00
| July 2007
| '''$25.00
|-
| October 2009
| '''$268.41
| March 2009
| '''$210.00
| August 2008
| '''$85.00
| January 2008
| '''$75.00
| June 2007
| '''$10.00
|-
| September 2009
| '''$132.36
| February 2009
| '''$125.00
| July 2008
| '''$120.00
| December 2007
| '''$25.00
| May 2007
| '''$35.00
|-
| August 2009
| '''$50.00
| January 2009
| '''$90.00
| June 2008
| '''$30.00
| November 2007
| '''$30.00
| April 2007
| '''$25.00
|}

=== Trophies ===
According to the [http://profiles.us.playstation.com/playstation/psn/profiles/Sonichu PSN profile for Sonichu], as of 10 [[September 2011]], Chris has 1,997 trophies. ''Note: Availability of Sonichu's trophy information is dependent on the proper functioning of the PlayStation Network. Information is not updated in real time.''

Games with over 50% progress include:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
|-
!align="left"|Game
!align="left"|Trophies
!align="left"|Progress
!align="left"|Comments
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Back to the Future: The Game|Back to the Future]] - Episode 1: It's About Time''
|12
|100%
|
|-
| ''[[ModNation Racers]]''
|69
|100%
|A driving game that Chris is terrible at. The levels that he has made so far are simply bad, and he racks up a fairly consistent .200 winning average.
|-
|''[[Kacey Call 8|Hannah Montana: The Movie]]''
|43
|100%
|[[Homos|No comment]].
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Stacking (video game)|Stacking]]''
|21
|100%
|
|-
|''[[Sonic the Hedgehog]] 2''
|12
|100%
|[[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|"...Christian's father says it only takes a few hours for him to master an electronic game and then...''move onto another!''"]]
|-
|''Sonic the Hedgehog''
|12
|100%
|Of course.
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Sly Cooper#The Sly Collection|Sly 1]]''
|36
|100%
|Furries galore.
|-
|''Sly 2''
|36
|100%
|
|-
|''Sly 3''
|36
|100%
|
|-
|''Sly Minigames''
|8
|100%
|
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Sonic Adventure|Sonic Adventure]]''
|15
|100%
|Grating dialogue on par with the Sonichu comics.
|-
|''[[LittleBigPlanet|LittleBigPlanet 2]]''
|47
|100%
|The game that made his [[Autism Tutorial]] possible.
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Costume Quest|Costume Quest]]''
| 17
| 100%
| Made by the same people who made [[wikipedia:Brütal Legend|Brütal Legend]].
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People|SBCG4AP Episode 5: 8-Bit Is Enough]]''
|14
|100%
|
|-
|''SBCG4AP Episode 4: Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective''
|15
|100%
|
|-
|''SBCG4AP Episode 3: Baddest of the Bands''
|15
|100%
|
|-
|''SBCG4AP Episode 2: Strong Badia the Free''
|15
|100%
|
|-
|''SBCG4AP Episode 1: Homestar Ruiner''
|14
|100%
|
|-
| ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]''
| 70
| 100%
| And he still can't coordinate his jumps, or design a good level.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:InFamous|inFamous]]''
| 50
| 100%
| A man dressed in yellow that shoots electricity? [[Sonichu|Hmmmmm...]]
|-
|''The Mysteries of Little Riddle''
|37
|100%
|
|-
| ''Sackboy's Prehistoric Moves''
| 14
| 100%
|
|-
|''[[God of War]] III''
|36
|100%
|All that blood and gore couldn't stop Chris from grabbing all the trophies and deity boobies.
|-
|''God of War II''
|35
|100%
| From the ''God of War Collection''.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection|Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection]]''
| 35
| 100%
| Another case of redundancy for most of the included games, especially the ''Sonic'' ones.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Cuboid (video game)|Cuboid]]''
| 24
| 100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Sonic the Hedgehog 4|Sonic the Hedgehog 4 Episode I]]''
| 12
| 100%
| Not unexpected.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Linger In Shadows|Linger In Shadows]]''
| 16
| 100%
| A demoscene production. Not remarkable. Most people already had 1,000 gamerscore in ''[[wikipedia:Second Reality|Second Reality]]''. In 1993.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Flower_(video_game)|Flower]]''
| 14
| 100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Sam_%26_Max:_The_Devil%27s_Playhouse|Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse]] - Episode 1: The Penal Zone''
| 13
| 100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Wheel_of_Fortune_(video_game)|Wheel of Fortune]]''
| 13
| 100%
| Truly, the apex of hi-def gaming.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Gunstar_Heroes|Gunstar Heroes]]''
| 12
| 100%
| Chris may have got 100% in ''Gunstar Heroes'', but IRL he's a total zero.
|-
|''Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 2: The Tomb of Sammun Mak''
|12
|100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Buzz!|Buzz!]] Junior: Monsters''
| 11
| 100%
| "Junior" says it all.
|-
| ''Buzz! Junior: RoboJam''
| 11
| 100%
|
|-
|''Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 4: Beyond the Alley of the Dolls''
|11
|100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:.detuned|.detuned]]''
| 10
| 100%
| Another demoscene production. Again, we'd allege that Chris wouldn't get too far in Farbrausch's more famous interactive entertainment prod ''.kkrieger'' - not to even mention the largely .famous ''.the .product'', dammit!
|-
| ''Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 3: They Stole Max's Brain''
| 10
| 100%
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Mainichi Issho|Mainichi Issho]]''
| 7
| 100%
| A Japan-only release. Apparently, just like ''[[Animal Crossing]]'', only more boring and even bigger of a grindfest.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Frogger_Returns|Frogger Returns]]''
| 4
| 100%
| ''One hundred percen—!!!'' ...Oh, it's four trophies for four levels.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Burnout_Paradise|Burnout Paradise]]''
| 93
| 91%
| It has cars. They can be driven. Chris thinks this game is up there among greatest games ever made, with the likes of ''The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time''.<ref>''[[Brutal Legend Plus]]''</ref>
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Braid_(video_game)|Braid]]''
| 11
| 89%
| A game about a man who alters [[Time Void|time]] to rescue his [[sweetheart]]. Note that the end of the game reveals the main character to be [[Christian Weston Chandler|a stalker]]. It is, however, worth noting that ''Braid'' is a puzzle game, and not a simple one to play either, yet he still fully completed the game. This is perhaps the most definite proof that Chris isn't mentally retarded (or, at least, he knows how to use GameFAQs).
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Tetris|Tetris]]''
|9
|85%
|
|-
|''God of War''
|33
|82%
| Most of the trophies are simply earned by progressing through the game normally. The trophies he lacks are the ones that require you to complete actual challenges or completing the game in under five hours.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Heavy_rain|Heavy Rain]]''
| 53
| 80%
| A pretentious wagglefest that only Chris could take seriously. Several scenes of nudity: male and female.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Band Hero|Band Hero]]''
|35
|77%
|Guitar Hero for the preteen girl demographic.
|-
| ''The Price Is Right''
|11
|76%
| Another real [[Sonichu|masterpiece]] of hi-def gaming
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Sonic_unleashed|Sonic Unleashed]]''
| 37
| 75%
| Due to the trophy data not visible to the public and people reporting hearsay as fact, a lot of people were under assumption that Chris had 100% of the trophies in ''Sonic 2006'' (which doesn't even have trophies). Now, we're equally perplexed by the fact that Chris has ''only'' 75% of trophies in a bona-fide 3D ''Sonic'' title.
|-
| ''[[Brutal Legend Plus|Brütal Legend]]''
| 46
| 74%
| \m/ [[Britney Spears]]! \m/
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Space Ace|Space Ace]]''
|7
|71%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Penny_Arcade_Adventures|Penny Arcade Adventures]]: OtRSPoD, Episode One''
| 11
| 71%
|
|-
| ''Penny Arcade Adventures: OtRSPoD, Episode Two''
| 11
| 71%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Noby_Noby_Boy|Noby Noby Boy]]''
| 9
| 71%
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Numblast|NUMBLAST]]''
|10
|71%
|''NUMBLAST'' is a [[homos|colorful]] Japanese puzzle game.
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing|Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing]]''
|36
|62%
|Sonic Kart couldn't hold his interest long enough for a platinum trophy. No Sonichu? Back to Modnation.
|-
| ''Buzz!: Quiz TV''
| 16
| 61%
| The first of the ''Buzz!'' games to appear on PS3. See also Chris's [[Quizzes]] for his MyBUZZ! stuff.
|-
|''[[wikipedia:Spelunker HD|Spelunker HD]]''
|31
|58%
|
|-
| ''[[Emily_Date_Conversation_Transcript#Meet_the_Pickle_.2801:21:44_-_01:25:29.29|Watchmen]]''
| 8
| 57%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Uno_(video_game)|UNO]]''
| 10
| 52%
| Seriously?
|}

Comparing to the [[List of Chris's games|list of games he owns]], there was a bunch of them that he hadn't even booted up a single time. There are some games he had touched maybe once and then left to the wayside; for example, all of his ''BioShock'' trophies are from the beginning of the game, and he received all of them on October 23, 2008, over a couple of hours. (The logical conclusion is that the second level of ''BioShock'' will ''blow your mind.'') In public, he also prominently featured games he never really played; the [[PS3 History Level]] shows many games that he touched only a few times (''Mirror's Edge'' and ''BioShock'', for example, currently sit at 11% and 9% respectively), and in [[PS3 Tutorial for my fans|the PS3 tutorial]], Chris says he thinks ''PAIN'' is a "fun" game, yet he let it sit at 0%.

=== Hacking ===
As a result of his online notoriety, his poor choice of passwords, and his innate gullibility, Chris’s PlayStation Network account was hacked or otherwise wrested from his control on multiple occasions. [[BlueSpike]], in his guise as Chris’s sweetheart [[Julie]], was able to convince Chris to break the first fundamental rule of cybersecurity and "share" his password in [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3|February 2009]], which was later used as a wedge to control and torment Chris. That summer, [[Jack Thaddeus]] seized the account, resulting in the infamous [[Chris humps his PS3|eight minutes of console sex]] and detailed revelations concerning Chris’s insane online spending habits.

Chris managed to keep control of his accounts for a surprisingly long time after his run-in with Thaddeus, but his luck ran out on 24 [[February 2010]], thanks to [[Surfshack Tito|a certain Hawaiʻian]].

==Fanboyism==

<center>{{#ev:youtube|TgE0By-LYMQ}}</center>

{{quote|So...good reason to get a PlayStation 3 system… of at least 60 GB or higher! 'Cause, uh, y'know, they have four USB ports, the memory card slots, and able to access the Internet wirelessly. While 40 GB and lower: two USB ports, no memory card slots, and requires an Ethernet cable to connect to the Internet. And...LittleBigPlanet! And as you all know from my sponsorship video, ev— most of the videos I put up on YouTube were spon— were sponsored by Sony, and their PlayStation Eye, and their PlayStation 3.|[[Chris Chan Update 13 October 2008|Chris failing to tell us what the "good reason" is.]]}}

{{quote|And yet, at the beginning, during the "Console War", I feel that I have chosen Truly Wise. Sony has truly helped this soul better his life, and many others as well. And with every new update, the PS3 and PSP grow more and more better alongside me. Playstaion isn't just a Station to Play, it's the station to Play and Truly Enrich Yourself. Higher Definition equals Better Points of View. Talking over the Internet from a sancturious comfort is truly an enriching luxury. Now I have put behind me my regrets of Life without Playstation. And with Priceless Experiences, an honest sense of satisfaction. And a more mature winning attitude. Sony's Playstation 3 and Playstation Portable are Truly a place I can call...My Digital HOME. :D Happy Anniversary, Playstation 3; you are Truly the Best Life Upgrade Ever|Chris, fellating the faceless angel of overpriced electronics in [[PS3 History Level]] speech bubbles.}}

Chris pops giant boners for PS3. He makes trolls on /v/ look like mild enthusiasts with his hatred of the [[Hex Bawx]].

==Molestations and other PS3 damage==
[[Image:Playstation Patrol W CWC's Car.JPG|thumb|right|[[Son-Chu]] camped outside a Playstation Cave]]

On 24 [[July 2009]], a video of [[Chris humps his PS3|Chris humping his PS3]] was leaked. It is generally believed that physically molesting electronics may often shorten their lifespan; hard drives and optical drives are particularly prone to breaking under such physical [[stress]].

On 5 [[May 2010]], Chris [[I Pimp My Ride|posted a video]] in which he bragged about removing a "bug" from his PS3, thanks to a [[white knight]] who tipped him off. While Chris did apparently understand that the component was actually the system's wireless networking antenna, he removed it anyway. It seems to have had no effect on his ability to connect his PS3 to the Internet, indicating that he either uses a wired Ethernet connection or he realized how fucked he was and put it back in place. In any case, he voided his console's warranty...just as planned.

On 27 [[August 2010]], Chris [[Stardate, August 27, 2010|posted a solemn video]] where he explains how he inadvertently formatted his own PS3, erasing over three years of his life. Through repeated abuse (see above), Chris's PS3 was misbehaving, prompting him to contact [[Sony]] tech support. They apparently guided him through an attempt to fix corrupted files on the PS3's hard drive, but fortunately this did not go to plan and Chris was given a choice to reformat his drive, which he accepted.

In the video, Chris blamed a "misunderstanding" between him and the support representative as the reason why he ended up formatting his drive, but it's more likely that Chris [[Autism|wasn't even listening]] to the things the representative was saying, being more concerned with being able to use his life upgrade again as soon as possible. This dubious series of events was disputed by CWC experts, who suspect that Chris may not have been his [[List of Chris's lies|TRUE and HONEST self]]. However, his PSN account activity suggested he had indeed deleted fucking everything.

==Destruction==
[[File:Cameragroup004.jpg|thumb|Trivia: Chris still keeps VHS tapes in the clutter of his [[room]].]]
On 29 [[August 2010]], trolls obtained the MovingFoward videos, where Chris finally put the nail in his life upgrade's coffin by beating it up with an edging stone and then running it over with [[Son-Chu]]. In the third video, Chris claimed to have tested his PS3 and confirmed it no longer started up but still "went into standby mode." He then used some scissors to repeatedly stab the console's remains. Trolls also obtained [[The_MovingFoward_videos#Destruction_Gallery|photographs of the console]] in various states of destruction.

The next day, [[ItIsFinished.MOV|another video]] appeared wherein Chris took the crushed, stabbed, and disassembled parts of his PS3, laid them out in his driveway, and ran them over with his car again for good measure.

Leaked [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails|e-mails]] later revealed that Chris's motivations were twofold. Chris destroyed his beloved life upgrade in an attempt to cash in on a [[Trollin Train|troll-proffered]] reward of $9,001, as well as in hopes of satisfying his sweetheart of the moment, [[Jackie]]. However, to the surprise of none, he didn't think through this idea very clearly. He destroyed nearly $5,000 in his greed, never received the reward that he'd hoped for, and never got to first base with Jackie, either.

== The rebirth ==
[[File:PStriple.png|thumb|And on the seventh day, it rose again.]]
By 6 [[September 2010]], only ''days'' after killing his life upgrade, it was resurrected, [[monthly tugboat|with your help]]. Chris had claimed in his exchanges with Tito and Clyde that he would never buy another PS3, probably an attempt to convince the two. Chris told [[Jackie]] that he experienced something similar to drug withdrawal after a few days without his beloved PSTriple: "Post-Destruction, two days later, I started feeling impulsive and tense from its absence."<ref>[[Jackie Chat 7|Jackie Chat #7]]</ref>

== The PS Move of Fail ==
[[Image:ChrisWithPSMove.png|thumb|Chris's PS Move in all its fail.]][[Image:PSN TOMGIRL1-1.jpg|thumb|Tomgirl socializing online.]]
It seems that when Chris purchased his new PS3, he also purchased a [[Wikipedia:Playstation Move|PS Move]]. The PS Move is a derivative by [[Sony]] of [[Nintendo|Nintendo's]] [[Wii Remote of Fail|Wii Remote]]. Chris, being the lover of all things [[Things Chris has ripped off|TRUE and ORIGINAL]] we've come to know, just had to have one.

Chris seems to have painted the two controllers of his PS Move in typical [[Sonichu]] coloration; the motion controller was painted yellow, while the navigation controller was apparently painted light blue.

The PS Move has made two video appearances so far, in the [[ECV_00001|Cherokee video]] and the [[I put on my Wizard's cloak and magic hat|wizard video]].

Chris later blew forty dollars on the PlayStation Move SharpShooter<ref>[http://blog.us.playstation.com/2010/12/09/new-playstation-move-sharp-shooter-attachment/]</ref>, as seen in the infamous [[Tomgirl pictures]].

== PlayStation Plus ==
Sony started a [[Hex Bawx|subscription-based program]] that offers members discounts, free content (until membership expires), and exclusives. Chris, already owning everything there is on PSN, unsurprisingly decided to plunge another $50 into debt for a Plus membership. For $50 per year, Chris can now play free rentals of Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic the Hedgehog 2, games that he has bought many times over.

==Other oddities==
Chris appears to keep his PS3 on most of the time. In many of the videos, he's left the console idling on the main menu or in-game menus. In Skype logs, [[Julie]] complained to Chris that he is logged on PSN when he's not actually around, which was fairly confusing.<ref>[[BlueSpike Skype Logs 8|BlueSpike Skype Logs #8]]</ref>

Chris appears to have put at least some of the games he has bought in blue Blu-Ray cases instead of keeping them in original retail cases.<ref>Seen, for example, in ''[[Brutal Legend]]''.</ref> He even does so in the ''[[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles]]'' advertisement. This peculiar practice is explained in Chris's [[PS3 History Level]]: Chris buys Blu-Ray game cases from eBay and switches them over because "It's THINNER than the Clear Original PS3 Disc Cases; MORE SHELF SPACE for MORE GAMES."

==See also==
* [[Chris-chan Discusses...]] - A video interview with Chris conducted over the PS3's video chat service.
* [[List of Chris's games]] - Detailing his entire game collection.
* [[List of Chris's PSN video downloads]]
* [[List of Chris's PSN game downloads]]
* [[Pixelated PS3]] - Chris attempts to build one from [[Lego]] and [[Pixelblocks]].
* [[PS3 History Level]]
* [[PSEye]]
* [[PSP]]
* [[PSN Blogs]] - An archive of Chris's posts.
* [[Sonichu Home Club]] - Because Chris loves Sony so much, he uses their ''Second Life'' ripoff.
* [[Sony]]
* [[Hex Bawx|Xbox 360]] - The kryptonite of Chris's video gaming.
* [[ItIsFinished.MOV]] - GAME OVER.

==Sauces==
<references/>

==External links==
* [http://us.playstation.com/publictrophy/index.htm?onlinename=Sonichu Chris' PSN, filled with useless trophies.]
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3WQ3QiJMWU Boyfriend-Free PS3]

[[Category:Things Chris has had Sex with]]
[[Category:Video Games]]
[[Category:Sony]]
[[Category:PS3]]

Main Page

2011-09-22T01:33:48Z

Dann Woolf:

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<div style="font-size:162%; border:none; margin:0; padding:.1em; color:#000;">Welcome to the [[CWCki]]!</div>
<div style="top:+0.2em; font-size:95%;">The [[TRUE and HONEST]] encyclopedia about [[Christian Weston Chandler]].</div>
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<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:85%;">We currently have [[Special:Statistics|{{NUMBEROFARTICLES}}]] articles...and counting!</div>
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__NOTOC____NOEDITSECTION__

[[Category:Special]]

Bob Chandler

2011-09-20T18:30:56Z

Dann Woolf:

: ''"Bob" redirects here. For the troll occasionally known as Bob, see [[Robert Simmons V]].''

{{quote|It was an interesting life I had.|Bob, at peace.}}
{| class="infobox" style="width: 21em; font-size: 90%;"
|-
! colspan="2" | Chandler family
|-
| colspan="2" | [[Image:Chrischansdad.jpg|300px]]
|-
! colspan="2" |Bob Chandler
|-
| '''Birth name'''
| Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.
|-
| '''Nicknames'''
| [[Bob Walks In|Internet Lumberjack]]
[[Cole|That fuck Bob]]
|-
| '''Born'''
| 4 September [[Pre-1980#1920s|1927]]
|-
| '''Died'''
| 6 September [[2011]] (heart failure)
|-
| '''Gender'''
| Male
|-
| '''Nationality'''
| [[United States of America|American]]
|-
| '''Race'''
| White (1/16th [[Cherokee]])
|-
| '''Marriage'''
| Patricia 
[[Barb]] (1980-2011)
|-
| '''Issue'''
| Dr. David Alan Chandler 
Carol Suzanne Chandler 
[[Christian Weston Chandler]]
|-
| '''Parents'''
| Robert Franklin Chandler Sr. (father) Jean Holloman Chandler (mother)
|-
| '''Education'''
| Auburn University (engineering)
|-
| '''Occupation(s)'''
| Military communications, engineer
|-
|}
[[Image:DemonicLumberjack.jpg|thumb|'''The Internet Lumberjack''' in his final form]]
'''Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.'''<ref>[[Blanca E-mails#Chris likes Blanca|Email to Blanca]]</ref> (4 September [[Pre-1980#1920s|1927]]- 6 September [[2011]] <ref>http://www.harveypowers.com/wynn/wynn/d155.html#P155</ref>) was the father of [[Christian Weston Chandler]], [[Carol Chandler]] and [[David Alan Chandler]], and husband of [[Barbara Weston Chandler]]. Bob became a firm favorite with [[trolls]] due to Chris's intense dislike of him and Bob's infamous cameo when he walked in on Chris [[mass debating]].<ref>[[Bob Walks In]]</ref> His nickname, "the [[Internet]] Lumberjack," comes from this incident.

While loathed by and estranged from his other children and step-child, Bob was still viewed as a better parent than his wife [[Barbara]], due to him being somewhat concerned with Chris's current status as a [[virgin with rage]], and the fact that he occasionally tried to guilt him into being more considerate by bringing up the fact that he devoted 29 years to raising a selfish manchild. Of course, Chris was unfazed by these attempts.

Bob conversed with numerous trolls. A lot of information was gained from these chats, mostly due to his tendency to yammer on.

Bob died on 6 September 2011, at Martha Jefferson Hospital ICU surrounded by family, pastor and hospital staff.<ref name="BobObit">http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailyprogress/obituary.aspx?n=robert-franklin-chandler&pid=153539600</ref>

==Biography==
[[Image:GrandWizardBob.jpg|thumb|"I seen crosses burnin', fella."]]

===Service and education===

Bob was born in [[Wikipedia:Fort Worth, Texas|Fort Worth, Texas]]<ref name="Prank calls">[[Prank calls]]</ref> and raised in [[Wikipedia:Alabama|Alabama]].<ref name="About">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#About Bob (7:18 - 16:45)]]</ref>

Bob was drafted after [[Wikipedia:World War II|World War II]] and placed in [[Wikipedia:Signal Corps (United States Army)|the Signal Corps]]. There, he learned how to install valve systems, switchboards, and telephones, and got to visit the beautiful North Korea. When he got out, he couldn't get a job and so went to college on the [[Wikipedia:G.I. Bill|G.I. Bill]].<ref name="About" />

Since he figured he'd get "swallowed up" at a big college, Bob picked a small college to study pre-Engineering for two years. He was also in a band and learned a lot about [[music]]. He then moved onto [[Wikipedia:Auburn University|Auburn University]], a big college, to earn his engineering degree.<ref name="About" /> As an engineer, he never learned to spell properly.<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#The Date Begins (4:47 - 7:17)]]</ref>

===Career===

Bob worked for [[Wikipedia:Western Electric|Western Electric]] for forty years. Using skills learned in the Army, he built for the company their first automatic [something] (it's unclear what Bob says here). General Electric heard about it and offered him a job in upstate New York. Since New York is too cold (and Yankee) for Bob, he moved away after three years, working in North Carolina for some time.<ref name="About" /> He worked with both Goodrich and Goodyear.<ref name="PSN 37" />

With General Electric, Bob was responsible for at least seven patents. [[Barbara]] claimed, in an e-mail to [[Miyamoto]], that because of Bob's influence in the computer world, the [[Wikipedia:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]] "might not have arrived so soon" (despite video game technology actually being pioneered by [[Wikipedia:Ralph Baer|Ralph Baer]]).<ref name="Barbara" />

As examples of Bob's accom-PLISH-ments, as Chris would say, he automated a steel mill for rolling steel for cars, a paper mill for papers into the form of Kleenex, warehousing, railroads and tanker ships. He designed scooters, die casting machines, machines for producing plastic products<ref name="About" /> and a [http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=PIU_AAAAEBAJ vehicle logging system]. A fact that both Chris and Barbara have bragged about is that Bob designed [http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=vScrAAAAEBAJ controls] that were used in plastic water container molding machines.<ref name="About" /><ref name="Barbara">[[Miyamoto Saga#Barbara]]</ref>

===World consciousness===

[[Image:0012-BobbyReading.jpg|thumb|Bob learning how to cut that Internet down]]

On the other hand, Bob himself was proud of his "natural inclination for logic," although he was "inundated" by all his designs and whether he did good for the world.<ref name="About" />

Speaking of the world, Bob had been interested in it since he was 10, and had become very world conscious as a believer in the [[Wikipedia:United Nations|United Nations]]. He began by collecting foreign stamps in the [[1930s]]. He had collected 15,000–20,000 LPs from various genres and cultures.<ref name="PSN 37"/> Bob traveled the world in his day for business and [[china|pleasure]].

Politically, Bob identified as a [[Wikipedia:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]], and did not vote for [[Barack Obama]] in [[Wikipedia:United States presidential election, 2008|the 2008 presidential election]].<ref name="Prank calls"/>

In a potentially damaging moment on 18 [[February 2009]], Bob doubted the existence of [[Molvanîa]], [[Julie]]'s country of origin.<ref>[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5]]</ref> However, he continued talking under the assumption that Molvanîa was under Russian control.<ref name="PSN 37">[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7]]</ref>

===Health and late life===

[[Image:LumberjackTapestry.JPG|thumb|Robert had Medieval English ancestry]]
[[File:Heart15.jpg|thumb|Computer-generated model of Bob's near-shattered heart.]]
Bob lived on social security and his General Electric pension.<ref name="Raising">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)]]</ref> He never really had people to chat with (he loved to ramble if the person showed some slight interest), so he sat around, listened to music, and took care of the garden inside the greenhouse. <ref name="PSN 37" /> With a 1970s stereo system set up in the greenhouse, he went to "swing with the music" on his swing there.<ref name="Raising" />

Bob had had two triple bypasses and four heart attacks. He wore an [[Wikipedia:Artificial pacemaker|artificial pacemaker]].<ref>[[Mumble 3]]</ref> In a recent prank call, Bob revealed that after surgery for cancer it was discovered that he had a fluid build up in his legs which can cause heart failure. This rapid decline in health worried him. <ref name="Prank calls"/> He attributed his long life to the [[Cherokee]] in him. His uncles and grandfather all lived to 90-100.<ref name="PSN 37" />

A major question in the [[troll]] community is what will happen now that Bob has died.

===What about Bob?===

[[Image:Bobbetter.jpg|thumb|"Now will you PLEASE let me get back to God of War 3???"]]

On 1 [[March 2010]], Chris [[Twitter]]ed that Bob had been taken to the hospital in the early morning for "congested [''sic''] [[Wikipedia:Heart failure|heart failure]]". Chris seemed confident that his father would come home shortly. Considering Bob's age, lifestyle, and long history of heart disease, [[Chris and death|Chris did not seem to grasp the seriousness of heart failure in an elderly man]]. Before his death, Bob was the only thing keeping [[14 Branchland Court|the Chandler household]] from imploding, and as such, trolls and white knights alike wished him the best.

[[Image:Bobbed.jpg|thumb|Apart from the dying heart]]

In the month following Bob's hospitalization, Chris was remarkably quiet on the subject. Information about his condition was hard to come by, as we only learned something [[Ego|once it has inconvenienced Chris enough for him to come online and complain about it]]. Statistically, congestive heart failure is not as immediately fatal as its name implies.<ref>[[Wikipedia:Congenital Heart Failure|Congenital Heart Failure]]</ref> But again, Bob's age, prior heart attacks and lifestyle made this a serious matter.

Chris's videos over the month of March made no mention of Bob at all. Staying true to his painfully predictable nature, Chris instead lost a [[The Wallflower|girlfriend he never had]], [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|made racial slurs and death threats to a cartoon character]], and [[F Abstinance|raged against abstinence]]. But no mention of his ailing father.

A poster on [[/cwc/]] contacted Chris via PSN regarding Bob. He posted a [http://www.cogsdev.org/w/images/9/9b/Bobbetter.jpg screen capture] of Chris's response, saying, "He is doing much better, thank you." [[Image:King.jpg|thumb|"Know this, Robert. Thy demise shall be a Whopper!"]]Another contacted Chris via email and got a response saying, "Yes, my father is healthy and safe." He was clearly neither at the time, but this was at least proof that Bob hadn't joined the Whites-Only section of Heaven just yet. In late May, Chris finally made [[Some Favored Comedians|a brief mention]] in a public video that his father was "alive and well," with no further elaboration on his condition.

On 6 September 2011, Bob died, presumably from congestive heart failure.<ref name="BobObit">http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailyprogress/obituary.aspx?n=robert-franklin-chandler&pid=153539600</ref> Luckily for Chris, he did not [[Aunt Corrina|die on pancake day]].

===BobWatch™===

On 10 August 2010, [[Matthew Noble call|a phone call]] took place between Bob and Alec Benson Leary, who posed as an employee of [[GAMe PLACe|The GAMe PLACe]]. Discussing Chris's June trespassing citation, it was discovered that Chris hadn't told his parents about the incident (surprise, surprise). Chris posted [[6 June 2010|a whiny video]] about the incident the night that it happened, which remained on his YouTube channel until he purged all of his videos on 22 November. Yeah, that's how negligent Bob was.

On 19 August 2010, it was revealed that the elderly man with heart failure was still [[Coffee Place|eating breakfast at Burger King]] on a daily basis. The Grim Reaper is said to have been pleased by this news.

On 24 March 2011, Bob claimed in a phone call to have cancer.<ref>http://youtu.be/y-GGSOyCm2k</ref>

On 20 July 2011, it was revealed that by that time [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Coming out to my parents|Bob knew about Chris's cross-dressing tendencies]] and strongly disapproved of them.

On 29 August 2011, Chris [[Calling_Out#Response_to_ADF|mentioned in a video]] that his father was no longer getting out much because he was sickly and his feet were bloated. Foot swelling is a [http://www.cardioassoc.com/patient_pgs/conditions/congestive.asp symptom of late-stage congestive heart failure.] With his mobility limited, Bob became a shut in, which only compounded his heart problems. It was a rare occurrence of Chris legitimately acknowledging his dad's health was failing and an even rarer occurance of him genuinely knowing of any situation around him.

On 6 September 2011, Bob died. Despite all the jokes made about Chris and his family, the death of a loved one is a very tragic event. Out of respect for him and his family, the CWCki was closed for a week, 12-19 September, with the start date coinciding with the day Bob's funeral service was held. Site visitors were directed to a page which simply read "'''Robert Franklin Chandler Jr. 1927-2011'''".<ref name="BobObit" />

==Obituary==
Both [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] and Chris collaborated in writing Bob's obituary, which was published in two local papers. Main points of the obituary, apart from the standard birth date, date of death, and next of kin, include:

* Text going into unusual detail about what Bob did at General Electric. This includes an odd mention of Bob somehow being indirectly responsible for the invention of a "simple plastic funnel".
* The location of the memorial service, "to follow on a later date", at [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]], the church that Barb, Bob and Chris used to frequent together. This is the same church that [[Rocky Shoemaker]] counsels Chris from.
* A footnote asking readers to not donate flowers, but to donate money to Barbara and Chris. Given [[Chris and money|the money habits of Chris]] and Barb, the remaining Chandlers may be in a dire financial situation.

===Original Text===
:''Robert Franklin Chandler Jr., 84, of Ruckersville, passed away the morning of Tuesday, September 6, 2011, at Martha Jefferson Hospital ICU surrounded by family, pastor and hospital staff.''

:''He was born on September 4, 1927, in Texas, the son of the late Robert Franklin Chandler Sr. and Jean Holloman Chandler. On June 7, 1980, he married Barbara Anne Weston, who survives. And the couple gave birth to a son, Christian Weston Chandler, who survives. Also surviving is ex-wife, Patricia, and their shared children, son, Dr. David Alan Chandler, survives, and daughter, Carol Suzanne Chandler, survives.''

:''He graduated from Auburn University with a degree in Engineering.''

:''He served in the United States Army Seoul Korea in the Signal Corp during the Korean War. He worked for General Electric as an Engineer with Steels, Plastics, etc. He also had patents for the controls for Plastic Molding Machines; without him, we would not have even a simple plastic funnel.''

:''Also surviving are granddaughter, Savannah Chandler, the daughter of David Alan Chandler and his wife, Kimberly.''

:''A funeral service will be held at Monticello Memory Gardens in Charlottesville, Virginia, 10 a.m. Monday, September 12, 2011. A memorial service to follow on a later date at Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church.''

:''Instead of flowers, you may make monetary donations to his widow, Barbara Chandler and son, Christian Chandler. <ref name="BobObit" />

==Relationships==

===Previous family===

Bob was previously married to a woman named Patricia.<ref name="BobObit" /> She's most likely the mother of his two other children, [[David Alan Chandler]] and [[Carol Suzanne Chandler]], with whom he was both out of contact in his later years.<ref name="Cole2">[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-2.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 2]]</ref> For example, Chris did not know he had a niece named [[Savannah Chandler|Savannah]] until she was 8 years old.<ref>[[CWC's Diary#January 2004]]</ref>

===Barbara===

[[Image:0063-BobAndBarbaraNewLife.jpg|thumb|With [[barbara Chandler|Barb]]]]

Bob and [[Barbara]] met in a bar on a karaoke night. Barbara was there with friends and Bob was singing.<ref name="Mumble 3.5">[[Mumble 3.5]]</ref> According to Chris, Barbara did the [[How to Talk to Girls|pursuing]]: "She chased him down the hall." This is probably why he figures that he could get away with being passive in terms of courtship. In contrast, [[Cole|Cole's]] friend Chuck, who worked at the bar, has a vivid memory of them being drunk retards.<ref name="Cole2" /> They got married in 1980.<ref name="Mumble 3.5" />

According to Chris, Barbara did not have sex with Bob for at least two decades before his passing. They had been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years.<ref>[[IRC (27 December 2008)]]</ref> This is possibly due to an attempt to avoid spawning another subhuman freak like Chris.

===Cole===
Bob married Barbara when her son [[Cole]] was 17, around the time Cole left to lead his own life.

Cole feels that Bob's bitterness worked to separate his relationship with his mother. Cole said he would celebrate<ref name="Cole2"/> "when that fuck Bob finally drops," but it is unknown if he has yet to as of 9 September 2011. <ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-07-24-3.PNG|Email from Cole to Chris]]</ref> Cole said that he and Bob shared a mutual hatred,<ref name="Cole2" /> though we have no evidence yet that Bob hated Cole. In the least, it is certain that Bob knew Cole didn't like him.<ref name="Raising"/>

===Chris===

{{quote|Get away from the Internet!
I'm cutting it down, right now.|Bob Chandler, Internet lumberjack.}}

[[Image:0106-ChristianWDad.jpg|thumb|"You tell them that you fell down some stairs or else I'm cutting down your [[Nintendo]]."]]

Bob wished that Chris was more interested in the world. He tried to teach Chris, but he thought (and rightly so) that Chris doesn't understand countries and continents beyond what he's seen on [[TV]], and only can associate with the places he's been in Virginia.<ref name="PSN 37" />

Bob's joke that [[Barack Obama]] would paint the White House black as soon as he became president influenced Chris to draw it in ''[[Sonichu 8]]''.

Chris has often complained about stressful confrontations with his father:

{{quote|well, my father is a major stressor against me; starts arguements[sic], annoys me, rarely washes his hands after restroom breaks (lord knows I've tried to encourage him to wash numerous time, and rarely succeeded.|Chris, [[IRC (31 December 2008)]]}}

After several occasions where trolls had communicated with Bob personally and found him to be quite pleasant and amicable, it's become obvious that he wasn't "starting arguments", as Chris asserts. More likely he was criticizing Chris's behavior and encouraging to better himself, which would involve work, which Chris fears and despises.

Bob had reportedly explained to him that he had taken care of his [[autistic]] ass for 29 years and so Chris should be more grateful. Chris couldn't give two shits, figuring that his father was ''obligated'' to take care of him, seeing no reason he should demonstrate any foreign concepts like "love", "support", "gratitude", and "willingness to help". Chris would run for his father's aid when he felt threatened, as in the later parts of the [[Kacey and Liquid Call]].

Despite Bob's occasional frustration over Chris's actions, he seemed to have bought into the theory that Chris is tormented by a [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|complex network of enemies spanning the entire world]], due to the [[Chris and his ego|success]] that he has earned from his very [[Chris and his ego|popular]] Sonichu franchise.<ref name="Church">[[Church audio]]</ref><ref name="Noble">[[Matthew Noble call]]</ref> In the [[Matthew Noble call]], it appears that Bob seemed to share Chris's tendency to bring up unrelated mishaps and debacles to make current incidents and sources of [[stress]] seem "petty" in comparison.

In line with that thread of distraction and self-delusion, Bob actually believed that Chris had accomplished significant goals in his adult life.<ref name="Prank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNHIbffirxU&feature=player_embedded</ref>

He would never get past that notion, given that he continued to have to nursemaid Chris well into his son's late 20s. In the later parts of 2009 and throughout 2010, as chronicled in Chris's e-mails with [[Vivian Gee E-mails, 2009|Vivian Gee]] and [[Jackie E-mails 7|Jackie]], Bob had been forced to take an increasingly active role in controlling Chris's spending and debt, paying off Chris's credit cards with his own money in an attempt to prevent interest charges from spiraling even further out of control. By the fall of 2010, he was monitoring Chris's bank accounts on a daily basis and keeping him on a strict allowance. Upon finding out about Chris's [[Tomgirl Pictures|escapades]] in early 2011, Bob's reaction was to question Chris's sexuality, at one point even calling him a fag.

Chris has said specifically that he doesn't have to love his father, but has to respect him.<ref>[[Mumble 1#Transcript|Mumble Chat 1]]</ref>

==Audio and video appearances==

In every appearance, Bob has proven himself to be better at charming Chris's [[sweetheart]]s than Chris himself.

* 26 February [[1994]]: Bob appears briefly behind Chris from 0:26 - 0:36 in the news report of Chris's [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes]].
* 14 [[February 2009]]: [[Bob Walks In]] to Chris [[mass debating]].
* 18 [[February 2009]]: In [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5]] and [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7|3.7]], Bob rambles to [[Julie]].
* 15 [[March 2009]]: Bob [[Church audio|talked]] to [[Robert Simmons V]] at [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] while [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|Chris went to shit himself]].
* [[March 2009]]: Bob chaperoned Chris on his date with [[Emily]].
* 27 [[March 2009]]: Bob gets intruded by Chris in the [[Tour of Christian's House]], but is not visible.
* 27 [[August 2009]]: [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|Bob enters Chris's room]] and scolds him for making the [[Tour of Christian's House|house tour video]], (correctly) fearing that if someone saw the house as it was, they would be evicted (Uncut version only). This is a momentous occasion, showing some awareness on the part of the Chandlers that the filth and squalor they live in is a health hazard. This video subsequently off a wave of emails and calls to the Greene County Health Department, masterminded by trolls who hoped to realize Bob's fear of eviction, but the campaign was seemingly unsuccessful.
* [[November 2009]]: Bob and [[Barb|Snorlax]] make a brief appearance at the end of the [[Kacey and Liquid Call]].
* 15 [[August 2010]]: Bob gets a [[Matthew Noble call|call from the GAMe PLACe]] and is informed of Chris's actions earlier in the year. He then goes on a tangent about how Chris has been tormented by everyone ever since he was banned, and then demands Michael Snyder's information. Barbara also appears at the end of the call.

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Thehell.jpg|"The hell is this crap?"
Image:0009-ChristopherChristmas2.jpg|Looking at the presents, it's sometime between 1982 and 2011.
Image:0011-ChristopherBobXmas.jpg|That isn't Chris's half-senile old grandfather at [[Christmas]] time. It's Bob. He was that age when Chris was about one.
Image:0014-YoungerFather.jpg
Image:0032-BobAtRestraunt.jpg|The epitome of handsome.
Image:0038-AuntCorinaAndDad.jpg|Bob with [[Aunt Corrina]].
Image:0062-NewChristian&Dad.jpg|Notice Chris's discomfort.
Image:0120-BobbyBehindBars.jpg|Bob wouldn't let a fence get in the way of cutting down Chris's Internet.
Image:0230-ChristianAndDadInClass.jpg|Bob: fashion icon.
Image:0626-BobbyInGarden.jpg|When Bob wasn't arguing with Chris or cutting down his Internet, he enjoyed gardening.
Image:CreepyBobAndChris.JPG|Bob will haunt your dreams tonight.
Image:Bob_80th.jpg|Calm down Bob, I think you're scaring Snorlax.
</gallery>
</center>

==Sauces==
{{Fan Art|chris=Bob Chandler}}
<references />

{{People}}
{{Not_Jerks}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Chandler, Bob}}
[[Category:Family Members]]
[[Category:Dead]]

Bob Chandler

2011-09-20T18:27:09Z

Dann Woolf:

: ''"Bob" redirects here. For the troll occasionally known as Bob, see [[Robert Simmons V]].''

{{quote|It was an interesting life I had.|Bob, at peace.}}
{| class="infobox" style="width: 21em; font-size: 90%;"
|-
! colspan="2" | Chandler family
|-
| colspan="2" | [[Image:Chrischansdad.jpg|300px]]
|-
! colspan="2" |Bob Chandler
|-
| '''Birth name'''
| Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.
|-
| '''Nicknames'''
| [[Bob Walks In|Internet Lumberjack]]
[[Cole|That fuck Bob]]
|-
| '''Born'''
| 4 September [[Pre-1980#1920s|1927]]
|-
| '''Died'''
| 6 September [[2011]] (heart failure)
|-
| '''Gender'''
| Male
|-
| '''Nationality'''
| [[United States of America|American]]
|-
| '''Race'''
| White (1/16th [[Cherokee]])
|-
| '''Marriage'''
| Patricia 
[[Barb]] (1980-2011)
|-
| '''Issue'''
| Dr. David Alan Chandler 
Carol Suzanne Chandler 
[[Christian Weston Chandler]]
|-
| '''Parents'''
| Robert Franklin Chandler Sr. (father) Jean Holloman Chandler (mother)
|-
| '''Education'''
| Auburn University (engineering)
|-
| '''Occupation(s)'''
| Military communications, engineer
|-
|}
[[Image:DemonicLumberjack.jpg|thumb|'''The Internet Lumberjack''' in his final form]]
'''Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.'''<ref>[[Blanca E-mails#Chris likes Blanca|Email to Blanca]]</ref> (4 September [[Pre-1980#1920s|1927]]- 6 September [[2011]] <ref>http://www.harveypowers.com/wynn/wynn/d155.html#P155</ref>) was the father of [[Christian Weston Chandler]], [[Carol Chandler]] and [[David Alan Chandler]], and husband of [[Barbara Weston Chandler]]. Bob became a firm favorite with [[trolls]] due to Chris's intense dislike of him and Bob's infamous cameo when he walked in on Chris [[mass debating]].<ref>[[Bob Walks In]]</ref> His nickname, "the [[Internet]] Lumberjack," comes from this incident.

While loathed by and estranged from his other children and step-child, Bob was still viewed as a better parent than his wife [[Barbara]], due to him being somewhat concerned with Chris's current status as a [[virgin with rage]], and the fact that he occasionally tried to guilt him into being more considerate by bringing up the fact that he devoted 29 years to raising a selfish manchild. Of course, Chris was unfazed by these attempts.

Bob conversed with numerous trolls. A lot of information was gained from these chats, mostly due to his tendency to yammer on.

Bob died on 6 September 2011, at Martha Jefferson Hospital ICU surrounded by family, pastor and hospital staff.<ref name="BobObit">http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailyprogress/obituary.aspx?n=robert-franklin-chandler&pid=153539600</ref>

==Biography==
[[Image:GrandWizardBob.jpg|thumb|"I seen crosses burnin', fella."]]

===Service and education===

Bob was born in [[Wikipedia:Fort Worth, Texas|Fort Worth, Texas]]<ref name="Prank calls">[[Prank calls]]</ref> and raised in [[Wikipedia:Alabama|Alabama]].<ref name="About">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#About Bob (7:18 - 16:45)]]</ref>

Bob was drafted after [[Wikipedia:World War II|World War II]] and placed in [[Wikipedia:Signal Corps (United States Army)|the Signal Corps]]. There, he learned how to install valve systems, switchboards, and telephones, and got to visit the beautiful North Korea. When he got out, he couldn't get a job and so went to college on the [[Wikipedia:G.I. Bill|G.I. Bill]].<ref name="About" />

Since he figured he'd get "swallowed up" at a big college, Bob picked a small college to study pre-Engineering for two years. He was also in a band and learned a lot about [[music]]. He then moved onto [[Wikipedia:Auburn University|Auburn University]], a big college, to earn his engineering degree.<ref name="About" /> As an engineer, he never learned to spell properly.<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#The Date Begins (4:47 - 7:17)]]</ref>

===Career===

Bob worked for [[Wikipedia:Western Electric|Western Electric]] for forty years. Using skills learned in the Army, he built for the company their first automatic [something] (it's unclear what Bob says here). General Electric heard about it and offered him a job in upstate New York. Since New York is too cold (and Yankee) for Bob, he moved away after three years, working in North Carolina for some time.<ref name="About" /> He worked with both Goodrich and Goodyear.<ref name="PSN 37" />

With General Electric, Bob was responsible for at least seven patents. [[Barbara]] claimed, in an e-mail to [[Miyamoto]], that because of Bob's influence in the computer world, the [[Wikipedia:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]] "might not have arrived so soon" (despite video game technology actually being pioneered by [[Wikipedia:Ralph Baer|Ralph Baer]]).<ref name="Barbara" />

As examples of Bob's accom-PLISH-ments, as Chris would say, he automated a steel mill for rolling steel for cars, a paper mill for papers into the form of Kleenex, warehousing, railroads and tanker ships. He designed scooters, die casting machines, machines for producing plastic products<ref name="About" /> and a [http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=PIU_AAAAEBAJ vehicle logging system]. A fact that both Chris and Barbara have bragged about is that Bob designed [http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=vScrAAAAEBAJ controls] that were used in plastic water container molding machines.<ref name="About" /><ref name="Barbara">[[Miyamoto Saga#Barbara]]</ref>

===World consciousness===

[[Image:0012-BobbyReading.jpg|thumb|Bob learning how to cut that Internet down]]

On the other hand, Bob himself was proud of his "natural inclination for logic," although he was "inundated" by all his designs and whether he did good for the world.<ref name="About" />

Speaking of the world, Bob had been interested in it since he was 10, and had become very world conscious as a believer in the [[Wikipedia:United Nations|United Nations]]. He began by collecting foreign stamps in the [[1930s]]. He had collected 15,000–20,000 LPs from various genres and cultures.<ref name="PSN 37"/> Bob traveled the world in his day for business and [[china|pleasure]].

Politically, Bob identified as a [[Wikipedia:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]], and did not vote for [[Barack Obama]] in [[Wikipedia:United States presidential election, 2008|the 2008 presidential election]].<ref name="Prank calls"/>

In a potentially damaging moment on 18 [[February 2009]], Bob doubted the existence of [[Molvanîa]], [[Julie]]'s country of origin.<ref>[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5]]</ref> However, he continued talking under the assumption that Molvanîa was under Russian control.<ref name="PSN 37">[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7]]</ref>

===Health and late life===

[[Image:LumberjackTapestry.JPG|thumb|Robert had Medieval English ancestry]]
[[File:Heart15.jpg|thumb|Computer-generated model of Bob's near-shattered heart.]]
Bob lived on social security and his General Electric pension.<ref name="Raising">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)]]</ref> He never really had people to chat with (he loved to ramble if the person showed some slight interest), so he sat around, listened to music, and took care of the garden inside the greenhouse. <ref name="PSN 37" /> With a 1970s stereo system set up in the greenhouse, he went to "swing with the music" on his swing there.<ref name="Raising" />

Bob had had two triple bypasses and four heart attacks. He wore an [[Wikipedia:Artificial pacemaker|artificial pacemaker]].<ref>[[Mumble 3]]</ref> In a recent prank call, Bob revealed that after surgery for cancer it was discovered that he had a fluid build up in his legs which can cause heart failure. This rapid decline in health worried him. <ref name="Prank calls"/> He attributed his long life to the [[Cherokee]] in him. His uncles and grandfather all lived to 90-100.<ref name="PSN 37" />

A major question in the [[troll]] community is what will happen now that Bob has died.

===What about Bob?===

[[Image:Bobbetter.jpg|thumb|"Now will you PLEASE let me get back to God of War 3???"]]

On 1 [[March 2010]], Chris [[Twitter]]ed that Bob had been taken to the hospital in the early morning for "congested [''sic''] [[Wikipedia:Heart failure|heart failure]]". Chris seemed confident that his father would come home shortly. Considering Bob's age, lifestyle, and long history of heart disease, [[Chris and death|Chris did not seem to grasp the seriousness of heart failure in an elderly man]]. Before his death, Bob was the only thing keeping [[14 Branchland Court|the Chandler household]] from imploding, and as such, trolls and white knights alike wished him the best.

[[Image:Bobbed.jpg|thumb|Apart from the dying heart]]

In the month following Bob's hospitalization, Chris was remarkably quiet on the subject. Information about his condition was hard to come by, as we only learned something [[Ego|once it has inconvenienced Chris enough for him to come online and complain about it]]. Statistically, congestive heart failure is not as immediately fatal as its name implies.<ref>[[Wikipedia:Congenital Heart Failure|Congenital Heart Failure]]</ref> But again, Bob's age, prior heart attacks and lifestyle made this a serious matter.

Chris's videos over the month of March made no mention of Bob at all. Staying true to his painfully predictable nature, Chris instead lost a [[The Wallflower|girlfriend he never had]], [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|made racial slurs and death threats to a cartoon character]], and [[F Abstinance|raged against abstinence]]. But no mention of his ailing father.

A poster on [[/cwc/]] contacted Chris via PSN regarding Bob. He posted a [http://www.cogsdev.org/w/images/9/9b/Bobbetter.jpg screen capture] of Chris's response, saying, "He is doing much better, thank you." [[Image:King.jpg|thumb|"Know this, Robert. Thy demise shall be a Whopper!"]]Another contacted Chris via email and got a response saying, "Yes, my father is healthy and safe." He was clearly neither at the time, but this was at least proof that Bob hadn't joined the Whites-Only section of Heaven just yet. In late May, Chris finally made [[Some Favored Comedians|a brief mention]] in a public video that his father was "alive and well," with no further elaboration on his condition.

On 6 September 2011, Bob died, presumably from congestive heart failure.<ref name="BobObit">http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailyprogress/obituary.aspx?n=robert-franklin-chandler&pid=153539600</ref> Luckily for Chris, he did not [[Aunt Corrina|die on pancake day]].

===BobWatch™===

On 10 August 2010, [[Matthew Noble call|a phone call]] took place between Bob and Alec Benson Leary, who posed as an employee of [[GAMe PLACe|The GAMe PLACe]]. Discussing Chris's June trespassing citation, it was discovered that Chris hadn't told his parents about the incident (surprise, surprise). Chris posted [[6 June 2010|a whiny video]] about the incident the night that it happened, which remained on his YouTube channel until he purged all of his videos on 22 November. Yeah, that's how negligent Bob was.

On 19 August 2010, it was revealed that the elderly man with heart failure was still [[Coffee Place|eating breakfast at Burger King]] on a daily basis. The Grim Reaper is said to have been pleased by this news.

On 24 March 2011, Bob claimed in a phone call to have cancer.<ref>http://youtu.be/y-GGSOyCm2k</ref>

On 20 July 2011, it was revealed that by that time [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Coming out to my parents|Bob knew about Chris's cross-dressing tendencies]] and strongly disapproved of them.

On 29 August 2011, Chris [[Calling_Out#Response_to_ADF|mentioned in a video]] that his father was no longer getting out much because he was sickly and his feet were bloated. Foot swelling is a [http://www.cardioassoc.com/patient_pgs/conditions/congestive.asp symptom of late-stage congestive heart failure.] With his mobility limited, Bob became a shut in, which only compounded his heart problems. It was a rare occurrence of Chris legitimately acknowledging his dad's health was failing and an even rarer occurance of him genuinely knowing of any situation around him.

On 6 September 2011, Bob died. Despite all the jokes made about Chris and his family, the death of a loved one is a very tragic event. Out of respect for him and his family (except Chris), the CWCki was closed for a week, 12-19 September, with the start date coinciding with the day Bob's funeral service was held. Site visitors were directed to a page which simply read "'''Robert Franklin Chandler Jr. 1927-2011'''".<ref name="BobObit" />

==Obituary==
Both [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] and Chris collaborated in writing Bob's obituary, which was published in two local papers. Main points of the obituary, apart from the standard birth date, date of death, and next of kin, include:

* Text going into unusual detail about what Bob did at General Electric. This includes an odd mention of Bob somehow being indirectly responsible for the invention of a "simple plastic funnel".
* The location of the memorial service, "to follow on a later date", at [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]], the church that Barb, Bob and Chris used to frequent together. This is the same church that [[Rocky Shoemaker]] counsels Chris from.
* A footnote asking readers to not donate flowers, but to donate money to Barbara and Chris. Given [[Chris and money|the money habits of Chris]] and Barb, the remaining Chandlers may be in a dire financial situation.

===Original Text===
:''Robert Franklin Chandler Jr., 84, of Ruckersville, passed away the morning of Tuesday, September 6, 2011, at Martha Jefferson Hospital ICU surrounded by family, pastor and hospital staff.''

:''He was born on September 4, 1927, in Texas, the son of the late Robert Franklin Chandler Sr. and Jean Holloman Chandler. On June 7, 1980, he married Barbara Anne Weston, who survives. And the couple gave birth to a son, Christian Weston Chandler, who survives. Also surviving is ex-wife, Patricia, and their shared children, son, Dr. David Alan Chandler, survives, and daughter, Carol Suzanne Chandler, survives.''

:''He graduated from Auburn University with a degree in Engineering.''

:''He served in the United States Army Seoul Korea in the Signal Corp during the Korean War. He worked for General Electric as an Engineer with Steels, Plastics, etc. He also had patents for the controls for Plastic Molding Machines; without him, we would not have even a simple plastic funnel.''

:''Also surviving are granddaughter, Savannah Chandler, the daughter of David Alan Chandler and his wife, Kimberly.''

:''A funeral service will be held at Monticello Memory Gardens in Charlottesville, Virginia, 10 a.m. Monday, September 12, 2011. A memorial service to follow on a later date at Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church.''

:''Instead of flowers, you may make monetary donations to his widow, Barbara Chandler and son, Christian Chandler. <ref name="BobObit" />

==Relationships==

===Previous family===

Bob was previously married to a woman named Patricia.<ref name="BobObit" /> She's most likely the mother of his two other children, [[David Alan Chandler]] and [[Carol Suzanne Chandler]], with whom he was both out of contact in his later years.<ref name="Cole2">[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-2.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 2]]</ref> For example, Chris did not know he had a niece named [[Savannah Chandler|Savannah]] until she was 8 years old.<ref>[[CWC's Diary#January 2004]]</ref>

===Barbara===

[[Image:0063-BobAndBarbaraNewLife.jpg|thumb|With [[barbara Chandler|Barb]]]]

Bob and [[Barbara]] met in a bar on a karaoke night. Barbara was there with friends and Bob was singing.<ref name="Mumble 3.5">[[Mumble 3.5]]</ref> According to Chris, Barbara did the [[How to Talk to Girls|pursuing]]: "She chased him down the hall." This is probably why he figures that he could get away with being passive in terms of courtship. In contrast, [[Cole|Cole's]] friend Chuck, who worked at the bar, has a vivid memory of them being drunk retards.<ref name="Cole2" /> They got married in 1980.<ref name="Mumble 3.5" />

According to Chris, Barbara did not have sex with Bob for at least two decades before his passing. They had been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years.<ref>[[IRC (27 December 2008)]]</ref> This is possibly due to an attempt to avoid spawning another subhuman freak like Chris.

===Cole===
Bob married Barbara when her son [[Cole]] was 17, around the time Cole left to lead his own life.

Cole feels that Bob's bitterness worked to separate his relationship with his mother. Cole said he would celebrate<ref name="Cole2"/> "when that fuck Bob finally drops," but it is unknown if he has yet to as of 9 September 2011. <ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-07-24-3.PNG|Email from Cole to Chris]]</ref> Cole said that he and Bob shared a mutual hatred,<ref name="Cole2" /> though we have no evidence yet that Bob hated Cole. In the least, it is certain that Bob knew Cole didn't like him.<ref name="Raising"/>

===Chris===

{{quote|Get away from the Internet!
I'm cutting it down, right now.|Bob Chandler, Internet lumberjack.}}

[[Image:0106-ChristianWDad.jpg|thumb|"You tell them that you fell down some stairs or else I'm cutting down your [[Nintendo]]."]]

Bob wished that Chris was more interested in the world. He tried to teach Chris, but he thought (and rightly so) that Chris doesn't understand countries and continents beyond what he's seen on [[TV]], and only can associate with the places he's been in Virginia.<ref name="PSN 37" />

Bob's joke that [[Barack Obama]] would paint the White House black as soon as he became president influenced Chris to draw it in ''[[Sonichu 8]]''.

Chris has often complained about stressful confrontations with his father:

{{quote|well, my father is a major stressor against me; starts arguements[sic], annoys me, rarely washes his hands after restroom breaks (lord knows I've tried to encourage him to wash numerous time, and rarely succeeded.|Chris, [[IRC (31 December 2008)]]}}

After several occasions where trolls had communicated with Bob personally and found him to be quite pleasant and amicable, it's become obvious that he wasn't "starting arguments", as Chris asserts. More likely he was criticizing Chris's behavior and encouraging to better himself, which would involve work, which Chris fears and despises.

Bob had reportedly explained to him that he had taken care of his [[autistic]] ass for 29 years and so Chris should be more grateful. Chris couldn't give two shits, figuring that his father was ''obligated'' to take care of him, seeing no reason he should demonstrate any foreign concepts like "love", "support", "gratitude", and "willingness to help". Chris would run for his father's aid when he felt threatened, as in the later parts of the [[Kacey and Liquid Call]].

Despite Bob's occasional frustration over Chris's actions, he seemed to have bought into the theory that Chris is tormented by a [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|complex network of enemies spanning the entire world]], due to the [[Chris and his ego|success]] that he has earned from his very [[Chris and his ego|popular]] Sonichu franchise.<ref name="Church">[[Church audio]]</ref><ref name="Noble">[[Matthew Noble call]]</ref> In the [[Matthew Noble call]], it appears that Bob seemed to share Chris's tendency to bring up unrelated mishaps and debacles to make current incidents and sources of [[stress]] seem "petty" in comparison.

In line with that thread of distraction and self-delusion, Bob actually believed that Chris had accomplished significant goals in his adult life.<ref name="Prank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNHIbffirxU&feature=player_embedded</ref>

He would never get past that notion, given that he continued to have to nursemaid Chris well into his son's late 20s. In the later parts of 2009 and throughout 2010, as chronicled in Chris's e-mails with [[Vivian Gee E-mails, 2009|Vivian Gee]] and [[Jackie E-mails 7|Jackie]], Bob had been forced to take an increasingly active role in controlling Chris's spending and debt, paying off Chris's credit cards with his own money in an attempt to prevent interest charges from spiraling even further out of control. By the fall of 2010, he was monitoring Chris's bank accounts on a daily basis and keeping him on a strict allowance. Upon finding out about Chris's [[Tomgirl Pictures|escapades]] in early 2011, Bob's reaction was to question Chris's sexuality, at one point even calling him a fag.

Chris has said specifically that he doesn't have to love his father, but has to respect him.<ref>[[Mumble 1#Transcript|Mumble Chat 1]]</ref>

==Audio and video appearances==

In every appearance, Bob has proven himself to be better at charming Chris's [[sweetheart]]s than Chris himself.

* 26 February [[1994]]: Bob appears briefly behind Chris from 0:26 - 0:36 in the news report of Chris's [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes]].
* 14 [[February 2009]]: [[Bob Walks In]] to Chris [[mass debating]].
* 18 [[February 2009]]: In [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5]] and [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7|3.7]], Bob rambles to [[Julie]].
* 15 [[March 2009]]: Bob [[Church audio|talked]] to [[Robert Simmons V]] at [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] while [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|Chris went to shit himself]].
* [[March 2009]]: Bob chaperoned Chris on his date with [[Emily]].
* 27 [[March 2009]]: Bob gets intruded by Chris in the [[Tour of Christian's House]], but is not visible.
* 27 [[August 2009]]: [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|Bob enters Chris's room]] and scolds him for making the [[Tour of Christian's House|house tour video]], (correctly) fearing that if someone saw the house as it was, they would be evicted (Uncut version only). This is a momentous occasion, showing some awareness on the part of the Chandlers that the filth and squalor they live in is a health hazard. This video subsequently off a wave of emails and calls to the Greene County Health Department, masterminded by trolls who hoped to realize Bob's fear of eviction, but the campaign was seemingly unsuccessful.
* [[November 2009]]: Bob and [[Barb|Snorlax]] make a brief appearance at the end of the [[Kacey and Liquid Call]].
* 15 [[August 2010]]: Bob gets a [[Matthew Noble call|call from the GAMe PLACe]] and is informed of Chris's actions earlier in the year. He then goes on a tangent about how Chris has been tormented by everyone ever since he was banned, and then demands Michael Snyder's information. Barbara also appears at the end of the call.

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Thehell.jpg|"The hell is this crap?"
Image:0009-ChristopherChristmas2.jpg|Looking at the presents, it's sometime between 1982 and 2011.
Image:0011-ChristopherBobXmas.jpg|That isn't Chris's half-senile old grandfather at [[Christmas]] time. It's Bob. He was that age when Chris was about one.
Image:0014-YoungerFather.jpg
Image:0032-BobAtRestraunt.jpg|The epitome of handsome.
Image:0038-AuntCorinaAndDad.jpg|Bob with [[Aunt Corrina]].
Image:0062-NewChristian&Dad.jpg|Notice Chris's discomfort.
Image:0120-BobbyBehindBars.jpg|Bob wouldn't let a fence get in the way of cutting down Chris's Internet.
Image:0230-ChristianAndDadInClass.jpg|Bob: fashion icon.
Image:0626-BobbyInGarden.jpg|When Bob wasn't arguing with Chris or cutting down his Internet, he enjoyed gardening.
Image:CreepyBobAndChris.JPG|Bob will haunt your dreams tonight.
Image:Bob_80th.jpg|Calm down Bob, I think you're scaring Snorlax.
</gallery>
</center>

==Sauces==
{{Fan Art|chris=Bob Chandler}}
<references />

{{People}}
{{Not_Jerks}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Chandler, Bob}}
[[Category:Family Members]]
[[Category:Dead]]

User:Dann Woolf

2011-09-19T12:09:49Z

Dann Woolf:

<div style="clear:right; float:right; width:358px;">{{Eurofag}}</div>

Talk:Cole Smithey

2011-09-10T21:11:11Z

Dann Woolf:

==To do==
*Emails between him and Chris
*Photo
*Link to his movie review website

== retardaton must run in chris' maternal family ==

Cole [http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/cat_in_the_hat/ gave] the Cat in the Hat a good rating. --[[User:One With The Lulz|One With The Lulz]] 20:08, 5 July 2009 (CEST)
:*Here's a proper link to what you're talking about: [http://www.colesmithey.com/capsules/2009/01/dr-seusss-the-cat-in-the-hat.html Cole's review].

Find the only positive review [http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/marmaduke/ here] for Marmaduke. p.s. Bob rocks. --[[User:One With The Lulz|One With The Lulz]] 12:43, 27 June 2010 (UTC)

== Legal Guardian? ==
i assume that he'll be watching chris after bob and barb die and the IRS takes the house, because Chris is too retarded/lazy to pay taxes---[[User:Dan Dash|Dan Dash]] 03:00, 19 May 2010 (UTC)

nope when Bob and the snorlax dies he'll just live on the streets--[[User:HansAsperger.|HansAsperger.]] 14:36, 7 March 2011 (PST)[[userHansAsperer.]]04/52, 6 March 2011 (azt)

== shared traits ==

I recall reading somewhere that Chris was going prematurely bald. Idk if this is a trol comment or what, but look at Cole on Chris's 18th birthday. He himself is going bald, and Chris is the same age as he was during Chris 's birthday. So...I guess they have a little in common.--[[User:Howsyourham|Howsyourham]] 03:30, 31 July 2009 (CEST)

Cole was 37, not 27. get your facts straight. --[[User:Dan Dash|Dan Dash]] 02:11, 9 March 2010 (UTC)

== Wikipedia ==

How do we know this is actually Cole? Chris is popular, as is Cole, anyone could be impersonating him, just as there are people who pretend to be Bob, Snorlax, Alec, Clyde, etc. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 22:13, 22 February 2010 (UTC)
*Because people edit their own articles all the time. It's highly unlikely that an impersonator would be spamming links to Cole's reviews, and ''very'' likely that the genuine article is. Also, the article was edited by 68.174.85.191, an IP from Herndon, Virginia which also matches the User:Cole Smithey account. [[User:Apostrophe|Apostrophe]] 01:13, 24 February 2010 (UTC)
**Except, as pointed out in this article and on his personal website, Cole Smithey lives in Manhattan, not Herndon, Virginia. [[User:Yawning Squirtle|Yawning Squirtle]] 02:42, 24 February 2010 (UTC)
***Ah, oops. Still, I think that edits like [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Z_%28film%29&diff=prev&oldid=344566166 this] seem a little too intentional to be a fake. Dude's clearly spamming his own works to boost his ego. [[User:Apostrophe|Apostrophe]] 04:21, 24 February 2010 (UTC)

==dude!!!==
so i was looking up toy story criticism (i'm bored) and i found thissssss---
http://www.cinemablend.com/new/Meet-The-Only-Two-People-Who-Hate-Toy-Story-3-19118.html
i came back here to check and the pics match up, lol. --[[User:Hellion|masta beta alum]] 18:22, 27 June 2010 (UTC)
edit--i'm retarded....but yeah

==Whoever did it==
Whoever came up with "successful escapees from the Casa De Chandler", I salute you.[[User:Theiselybros|Theiselybros]] 07:21, 10 July 2011 (PDT)
*Do we even know if he lived in that house though? It's very possible they lived in a different house, we really don't have any idea when Bob and Barb bought their house.--[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 05:43, 12 July 2011 (PDT)

== Has Cole been contacted about Bob's death? ==
He did say "let me know when that fuck Bob drops", so... yeah. [[User:Dann Woolf|Dann Woolf]] 14:11, 10 September 2011 (PDT)

Bob Chandler

2011-09-10T20:32:29Z

Dann Woolf:

: ''"Bob" redirects here. For the troll occasionally known as Bob, see [[Robert Simmons V]].''

{{quote|I’ve seen crosses burning, fella. I've seen 'em. And you don’t wanna see it.|Bob<ref>[[Prank calls#Call Bobby Chandler]]</ref>}}

{{quote|This ain't my time yet.|Bob laughing at death <ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript|Emily Date]]</ref>}}
{| class="infobox" style="width: 21em; font-size: 90%;"
|-
! colspan="2" | Chandler family
|-
| colspan="2" | [[Image:Chrischansdad.jpg|300px]]
|-
! colspan="2" |Bob Chandler
|-
| '''Birth name'''
| Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.
|-
| '''Nicknames'''
| [[Bob Walks In|Internet Lumberjack]]
[[Cole|That fuck Bob]]
|-
| '''Born'''
| 4 September [[Pre-1980#1920s|1927]]
|-
| '''Died'''
| 6 September [[2011]]
|-
| '''Gender'''
| Male
|-
| '''Nationality'''
| [[United States of America|American]]
|-
| '''Race'''
| White (1/16th [[Cherokee]])
|-
| '''Parents'''
| Robert (father)
|-
| '''Education'''
| Auburn University (engineering)
|-
| '''Occupation(s)'''
| Military communications, engineer
|-
|}
[[Image:DemonicLumberjack.jpg|thumb|'''The Internet Lumberjack''' in his final form]]
'''Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.'''<ref>[[Blanca E-mails#Chris likes Blanca|Email to Blanca]]</ref> (4 September [[Pre-1980#1920s|1927]]- 6 September [[2011]] <ref>http://www.harveypowers.com/wynn/wynn/d155.html#P155</ref>) was the father of [[Christian Weston Chandler]], [[Carol Chandler]] and [[David Alan Chandler]], and husband of [[Barbara Weston Chandler]]. Bob became a firm favorite with [[trolls]] due to Chris's intense dislike of him and Bob's infamous cameo when he walked in on Chris [[mass debating]].<ref>[[Bob Walks In]]</ref> His nickname, "the [[Internet]] Lumberjack," comes from this incident.

While loathed by and estranged from his other children and step-child, Bob was still viewed as a better parent than his wife [[Barbara]], due to him being somewhat concerned with Chris's current status as a [[virgin with rage]], and the fact that he occasionally tried to guilt him into being more considerate by bringing up the fact that he devoted 29 years to raising a selfish manchild. Of course, Chris is unfazed by these attempts.

Bob had conversed with numerous trolls. Thanks to his tendency to yap on, more information became known through these talks.

Bob passed away on September 6, 2011, at Martha Jefferson Hospital ICU surrounded by family, pastor and hospital staff.<ref name="BobObit">http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailyprogress/obituary.aspx?n=robert-franklin-chandler&pid=153539600</ref>

==Biography==
[[Image:GrandWizardBob.jpg|thumb|"I seen crosses burnin', fella."]]

===Service and education===

Bob was born in [[Wikipedia:Fort Worth, Texas|Fort Worth, Texas]]<ref name="Prank calls">[[Prank calls]]</ref> and raised in [[Wikipedia:Alabama|Alabama]].<ref name="About">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#About Bob (7:18 - 16:45)]]</ref>

Bob was drafted after [[Wikipedia:World War II|World War II]] and placed in [[Wikipedia:Signal Corps (United States Army)|the Signal Corps]]. There, he learned how to install valve systems, switchboards, and telephones, and got to visit the beautiful [[CWCville|North Korea]]. When he got out, he couldn't get a job and so went to college on the [[Wikipedia:G.I. Bill|G.I. Bill]].<ref name="About" />

Since he figured he'd get "swallowed up" at a big college, Bob picked a small college to study pre-Engineering for two years. He was also in a band and learned a lot about [[music]]. He then moved onto [[Wikipedia:Auburn University|Auburn University]], a big college, to earn his engineering degree.<ref name="About" /> As an engineer, he never learned to spell properly.<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#The Date Begins (4:47 - 7:17)]]</ref>

===Career===

Bob worked for [[Wikipedia:Western Electric|Western Electric]] for forty years. Using skills learned in the Army, he built for the company their first automatic [something] (it's unclear what Bob says here). General Electric heard about it and offered him a job in upstate New York. Since New York is too cold (and Yankee) for Bob, he moved away after three years, working in North Carolina for some time.<ref name="About" /> He worked with both Goodrich and Goodyear.<ref name="PSN 37" />

With General Electric, Bob was responsible for at least seven patents. [[Barbara]] claimed, in an e-mail to [[Miyamoto]], that because of Bob's influence in the computer world, the [[Wikipedia:Nintendo Entertainment System|NES]] "might not have arrived so soon" (despite video game technology actually being pioneered by [[Wikipedia:Ralph Baer|Ralph Baer]]).<ref name="Barbara" />

As examples of Bob's accom-PLISH-ments, as Chris would say, he automated a steel mill for rolling steel for cars, a paper mill for papers into the form of Kleenex, warehousing, railroads and tanker ships. He designed scooters, die casting machines, machines for producing plastic products<ref name="About" /> and a [http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=PIU_AAAAEBAJ vehicle logging system]. A fact that both Chris and Barbara have bragged about is that Bob designed [http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=vScrAAAAEBAJ controls] that were used in plastic water [container] molding machines.<ref name="About" /><ref name="Barbara">[[Miyamoto Saga#Barbara]]</ref>

===World consciousness===

[[Image:0012-BobbyReading.jpg|thumb|Bob learning how to cut that Internet down]]

On the other hand, Bob himself was proud of his "natural inclination for logic," although he was "inundated" by all his designs and whether he did good for the world.<ref name="About" />

Speaking of the world, Bob had been interested in it since he was 10, and had become very world conscious as a believer in the [[Wikipedia:United Nations|United Nations]]. He began by collecting foreign stamps in the [[1930s]]. He had collected 15,000–20,000 LPs from various genres and cultures.<ref name="PSN 37"/> Bob traveled the world in his day for business and [[china|pleasure]].

Politically, Bob identifies as a [[Wikipedia:Republican Party (United States)|Republican]], and did not vote for [[Barack Obama]] in [[Wikipedia:United States presidential election, 2008|the 2008 presidential election]].<ref name="Prank calls"/>

In a potentially damaging moment on 18 [[February 2009]], Bob doubted the existence of [[Molvanîa]], [[Julie]]'s fictional country of origin.<ref>[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5]]</ref> However, he continued talking under the assumption that Molvanîa was under Russian control.<ref name="PSN 37">[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7]]</ref>

===Health and late life===

[[Image:LumberjackTapestry.JPG|thumb|Robert had Medieval English ancestry]]
[[File:Heart15.jpg|thumb|Computer-generated model of Bob's near-shattered heart.]]
Bob lived on social security and General Electric pension.<ref name="Raising">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)]]</ref> He never really had people to chat with (he loved to ramble if the person showed some slight interest), so he sat around, listened to music,<ref name="PSN 37" /> and took care of the garden inside the greenhouse. With a 1970s stereo system set up in the greenhouse, he went to "swing with the music" on his swing there.<ref name="Raising" />

Bob had had two triple bypasses and four heart attacks. He wore an [[Wikipedia:Artificial pacemaker|artificial pacemaker]].<ref>[[Mumble 3]]</ref> In a recent prank call, Bob revealed that after surgery for cancer it was discovered that he had a fluid build up in his legs which can cause heart failure. This rapid decline in health worried him. <ref>[[Prank_calls]]</ref> He attributed his long life to the [[Cherokee]] in him. Let's hope that Chris hasn't inherited the traits for this longevity. His uncles and grandfather all lived to 90-100.<ref name="PSN 37" />

A major question in the [[troll]] community is what will happen now that Bob has died.

===What about Bob?===

[[Image:Bobbetter.jpg|thumb|"Now will you PLEASE let me get back to God of War 3???"]]

On 1 [[March 2010]], Chris [[Twitter]]ed that Bob had been taken to the hospital in the early morning for congested [''sic''] [[Wikipedia:Heart failure|heart failure]]. Chris seemed confident that his father would come home shortly. Considering Bob's age, lifestyle, and long history of heart disease, [[Chris and death|Chris does not seem to grasp the seriousness of heart failure in an elderly man]]. Before his death, Bob was the only thing keeping [[14 Branchland Court|the Chandler household]] from imploding, and as such, trolls and white knights alike wished him the best.

[[Image:Bobbed.jpg|thumb|Apart from the dying heart]]

In the month following Bob's hospitalization, Chris was remarkably quiet on the subject. Information about his condition was hard to come by, as we only learn something [[Ego|once it has inconvenienced Chris enough for him to come online and complain about it]]. Statistically, congestive heart failure is not as immediately fatal as its name implies.<ref>[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congestive_heart_failure Congenital Heart Failure on Wikipedia]</ref> But again, Bob's age, prior heart attacks and lifestyle made this a serious matter.

Chris's videos over the month of March made no mention of Bob at all. Staying true to his painfully predictable nature, Chris instead lost a [[The Wallflower|girlfriend he never had]], [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|made racial slurs and death threats to a cartoon character]], and [[F Abstinance|raged against abstinence]]. But no mention of his ailing father.

A poster on [[/cwc/| /cwc/]] contacted Chris via PSN regarding Bob. He posted a [http://www.cogsdev.org/w/images/9/9b/Bobbetter.jpg screen capture] of Chris's response, saying, "He is doing much better, thank you." [[Image:King.jpg|thumb|"Know this, Robert. Thy demise shall be a Whopper!"]]Another contacted Chris via email and got a response saying, "Yes, my father is healthy and safe." He was clearly neither at the time, but this was at least proof that Bob hadn't joined the Whites-Only section of Heaven just yet. In late May, Chris finally made [[Some Favored Comedians|a brief mention]] in a public video that his father was "alive and well," with no further elaboration on his condition.

On September 6, 2011, Bob [http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailyprogress/obituary.aspx?n=robert-franklin-chandler&pid=153539600/ passed away], presumably from congestive heart failure. Luckily for Chris, he did not [[Aunt Corrina|die on pancake day]].

===BobWatch™===

On 10 August, 2010 [[Matthew Noble call|a phone call]] took place between Bob and Alec Benson Leary, who posed as an employee of [[GAMe PLACe|The GAMe PLACe]]. Discussing Chris's June trespassing citation, it was discovered that Chris hadn't told his parents about the incident (surprise, surprise). Chris posted [[6 June 2010|a whiny video]] about the incident the night that it happened, which remained on his YouTube channel until he purged all of his videos on 22 November. Yeah, that's how negligent Bob was.

On 19 August, 2010 it was revealed that the elderly man with heart failure was still [[Coffee Place|eating breakfast at Burger King]] on a daily basis. The Grim Reaper is said to have been pleased by this news.

On 24 March, 2011, Bob claimed in a phone call to have cancer.<ref>http://youtu.be/y-GGSOyCm2k</ref>

On 20 July, 2011, it was revealed that by that time [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Coming out to my parents|Bob knew about Chris's cross-dressing tendencies]] and strongly disapproved of them.

On 29 August, 2011, Chris [[Calling_Out#Response_to_ADF|mentioned in a video]] that his father was no longer getting out much because he was sickly and his feet were bloated. Foot swelling is a [http://www.cardioassoc.com/patient_pgs/conditions/congestive.asp symptom of late-stage congestive heart failure.] With his mobility limited, Bob became a shut in, which only compounded his heart problems.

On 6 September, 2011, Bob dies, and a mournful internet is left to cut itself down in honor of the fallen lumberjack.<ref name="BobObit" />

==Obituary==

Robert Franklin Chandler Jr., 84, of Ruckersville, passed away the morning of Tuesday, September 6, 2011, at Martha Jefferson Hospital ICU surrounded by family, pastor and hospital staff.

He was born on September 4, 1927, in Texas, the son of the late Robert Franklin Chandler Sr. and Jean Holloman Chandler. On June 7, 1980, he married Barbara Anne Weston, who survives. And the couple gave birth to a son, Christian Weston Chandler, who survives. Also surviving is ex-wife, Patricia, and their shared children, son, Dr. David Alan Chandler, survives, and daughter, Carol Suzanne Chandler, survives.

He graduated from Auburn University with a degree in Engineering.

He served in the United States Army Seoul Korea in the Signal Corp during the Korean War. He worked for General Electric as an Engineer with Steels, Plastics, etc. He also had patents for the controls for Plastic Molding Machines; without him, we would not have even a simple plastic funnel.

Also surviving are granddaughter, Savannah Chandler, the daughter of David Alan Chandler and his wife, Kimberly.

A funeral service will be held at Monticello Memory Gardens in Charlottesville, Virginia, 10 a.m. Monday, September 12, 2011. A memorial service to follow on a later date at Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church.

Instead of flowers, you may make monetary donations to his widow, Barbara Chandler and son, Christian Chandler.

==Relationships==

===Previous family===

Bob was previously married to a woman named Patricia.<ref name="BobObit" /> She's most likely the mother of his two other children, [[David Alan Chandler]] and [[Carol Suzanne Chandler]], with whom he was both out of contact in his later years.<ref name="Cole2">[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-2.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 2]]</ref> For example, Chris did not know he had a niece named [[Savannah Chandler|Savannah]] until she was 8 years old.<ref>[[CWC's Diary#January 2004]]</ref>

===Barbara===

[[Image:0063-BobAndBarbaraNewLife.jpg|thumb|With [[barbara Chandler|Barb]]]]

To continue with the music theme, Bob and [[Barbara]] met in a bar on a karaoke night. Barbara was there with friends and Bob was singing.<ref name="Mumble 3.5">[[Mumble 3.5]]</ref> According to Chris, Barbara did the [[How to Talk to Girls|pursuing]]: "She chased him down the hall." This is probably why he figures that he could get away with being passive in terms of courtship. In contrast, [[Cole|Cole's]] friend Chuck, who worked at the bar, has a vivid memory of them being drunk retards.<ref name="Cole2" /> They got married in 1980.<ref name="Mumble 3.5" />

According to Chris, Barbara did not have sex with Bob for at least two decades before his passing. They had been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years.<ref>[[IRC (27 December 2008)]]</ref> This is possibly due to an attempt to avoid spawning another subhuman freak like Chris.

===Cole===
Bob married Barbara when her son [[Cole]] was 17, around the time Cole left to lead his own life.

Cole feels that Bob's bitterness worked to separate his relationship with his mother. Cole said he would celebrate<ref name="Cole2"/> "when that fuck Bob finally drops," but it is unknown if he has yet to as of 9 September 2011. <ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-07-24-3.PNG|Email from Cole to Chris]]</ref> Cole said that he and Bob shared a mutual hatred,<ref name="Cole2" /> though we have no evidence yet that Bob hated Cole. In the least, it is certain that Bob knew Cole didn't like him.<ref name="Raising"/>

===Chris===

{{quote|Get away from the Internet!
I'm cutting it down, right now.|Bob Chandler, Internet lumberjack.}}

[[Image:0106-ChristianWDad.jpg|thumb|"You tell them that you fell down some stairs or else I'm cutting down your [[Nintendo]]."]]

Bob wished Chris was more interested in the world. He tried to teach Chris, but he thought (and rightly so) that Chris doesn't understand countries and continents beyond what he's seen on [[TV]], and only can associate with the places he's been in Virginia.<ref name="PSN 37" />

Bob's joke that [[Barack Obama]] would paint the White House black as soon as he became president influenced Chris to draw it in ''[[Sonichu 8]]''.

Chris has often complained about stressful confrontations with his father:

{{quote|well, my father is a major stressor against me; starts arguements[sic], annoys me, rarely washes his hands after restroom breaks (lord knows I've tried to encourage him to wash numerous time, and rarely succeeded.|Chris, [[IRC (31 December 2008)]]}}

After several occasions where trolls had communicated with Bob personally and found him to be quite pleasant and amicable, it's become obvious that he wasn't "starting arguments", as Chris asserts. More likely he was criticizing Chris's behavior and encouraging to better himself, which would involve work, which Chris fears and despises.

Bob had reportedly explained to him that he had taken care of his [[autistic]] ass for 29 years and so Chris should be more grateful. Chris couldn't give two shits, figuring that his father was ''obligated'' to take care of him, seeing no reason he should demonstrate any foreign concepts like "love", "support", "gratitude", and "willingness to help". Chris would run for his father's aid when he felt threatened, as in the later parts of the [[Kacey and Liquid Call]].

Despite Bob's occasional frustration over Chris's actions, he seemed to have bought into the theory that Chris is tormented by a [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|complex network of enemies spanning the entire world]], due to the [[Chris and his ego|success]] that he has earned from his very [[Chris and his ego|popular]] Sonichu franchise.<ref name="Church">[[Church audio]]</ref><ref name="Noble">[[Matthew Noble call]]</ref> In the [[Matthew Noble call]], it appears that Bob seemed to share Chris's tendency to bring up unrelated mishaps and debacles to make current incidents and sources of [[stress]] seem "petty" in comparison.

In line with that thread of distraction and self-delusion, Bob actually believed that Chris had accomplished significant goals in his adult life.<ref name="Prank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNHIbffirxU&feature=player_embedded</ref>

He would never get past that notion, given that he continued to have to nursemaid Chris well into his son's late 20s. In the later parts of 2009 and throughout 2010, as chronicled in Chris's e-mails with [[Vivian Gee E-mails, 2009|Vivian Gee]] and [[Jackie E-mails 7|Jackie]], Bob had been forced to take an increasingly active role in controlling Chris's spending and debt, paying off Chris's credit cards with his own money in an attempt to prevent interest charges from spiraling even further out of control. By the fall of 2010, he was monitoring Chris's bank accounts on a daily basis and keeping him on a strict allowance. Upon finding out about Chris's [[Tomgirl Pictures|escapades]] in early 2011, Bob's reaction was to question Chris's sexuality, at one point even calling him a fag.

Chris has said specifically that he doesn't have to love his father, but has to respect him.<ref>[[Mumble 1#Transcript|Mumble Chat 1]]</ref>

==Audio and video appearances==

In every appearance, Bob has proven himself to be better at charming Chris's [[sweetheart]]s than Chris himself.

* 26 February [[1994]]: Bob appears briefly behind Chris from 0:26 - 0:36 in the news report of Chris's [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes]].
* 14 [[February 2009]]: [[Bob Walks In]] to Chris [[mass debating]].
* 18 [[February 2009]]: In [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.5]] and [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7|3.7]], Bob rambles to [[Julie]].
* 15 [[March 2009]]: Bob [[Church audio|talked]] to [[Robert Simmons V]] at [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] while [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|Chris went to shit himself]].
* [[March 2009]]: Bob chaperoned Chris on his date with [[Emily]].
* 27 [[March 2009]]: Bob gets intruded by Chris in the [[Tour of Christian's House]], but is not visible.
* 27 [[August 2009]]: [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|Bob enters Chris's room]] and scolds him for making the [[Tour of Christian's House|house tour video]], (correctly) fearing that if someone saw the house as it was, they would be evicted (Uncut version only). This is a momentous occasion, showing some awareness on the part of the Chandlers that the filth and squalor they live in is a health hazard. This video subsequently off a wave of emails and calls to the Greene County Health Department, masterminded by trolls who hoped to realize Bob's fear of eviction, but the campaign was seemingly unsuccessful.
* [[November 2009]]: Bob and [[Barb|Snorlax]] make a brief appearance at the end of the [[Kacey and Liquid Call]].
* 15 [[August 2010]]: Bob gets a [[Matthew Noble call|call from the GAMe PLACe]] and is informed of Chris's actions earlier in the year. He then goes on a tangent about how Chris has been tormented by everyone ever since he was banned, and then demands Michael Snyder's information. Barbara also appears at the end of the call.

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Thehell.jpg|"The hell is this crap?"
Image:0009-ChristopherChristmas2.jpg|Looking at the presents, it's sometime between 1982 and 2011.
Image:0011-ChristopherBobXmas.jpg|That isn't Chris's half-senile old grandfather at [[Christmas]] time. It's Bob. He was that age when Chris was about one.
Image:0014-YoungerFather.jpg
Image:0032-BobAtRestraunt.jpg|The epitome of handsome.
Image:0038-AuntCorinaAndDad.jpg|Bob with [[Aunt Corrina]].
Image:0062-NewChristian&Dad.jpg|Notice Chris's discomfort.
Image:0120-BobbyBehindBars.jpg|Bob wouldn't let a fence get in the way of cutting down Chris's Internet.
Image:0230-ChristianAndDadInClass.jpg|Bob: fashion icon.
Image:0626-BobbyInGarden.jpg|When Bob wasn't arguing with Chris or cutting down his Internet, he enjoyed gardening.
Image:CreepyBobAndChris.JPG|Bob will haunt your dreams tonight.
Image:Bob_80th.jpg|Calm down Bob, I think you're scaring Snorlax.
</gallery>
</center>

==Sauces==
{{Fan Art|chris=Bob Chandler}}
<references />

{{People}}
{{Not_Jerks}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Chandler, Bob}}
[[Category:Family Members]]
[[Category:Dead]]

Chris and health

2011-09-03T09:54:05Z

Dann Woolf:

{{quote|Eat less cow meat; Grilled Chicken is healthier. [[Pickle|Vegetables]] and Fruit are a must; Walking or [[Father Call|Jogging]] is great exercise daily. Standing helps too; play some ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' on [[Gitar of Fail|Guitar]], you have to stand while playing, and move a bit for fun and movement.|Chris' [[Chris and Hypocrisy|ironic]] advice for [[Wikipedia:Ivan Drago|Ivan Drago]]<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Mailbag_2</ref>}}

[[Image:DecayOfManChild.jpg|thumb|Chris in a few years.]]
[[Chris]], as even those with a cursory knowledge of medicine could plainly see, is not in good '''health'''. Considering his [[obesity]], lack of exercise, poor nutrition, refusal to bathe, and the grave disrepair/uncleanliness of his [[14 Branchland Court|surroundings]], he has an extremely high chance of developing potentially life threatening medical problems such as cancer, heart disease or type 2 diabetes.

==Nutrition==
{{main|Obesity}}
[[Image:Ecp00065.jpg|thumb|left|Christian Weston Chandler is not a very healthy individual in any sense of this word]]
[[File:Recycle.jpg|thumb|Chris tends to drink large amounts of soft drinks daily.]]
Chris is a known fast food lover, eating either [[McDonald's]] or [[Burger King]] (usually with his [[Bob Chandler|father]]) at least once a day. He has been known to dine out up to four times a day. The fact that he's merely fat and not morbidly obese with such an awe-inspiring calorific intake and inactive lifestyle suggests a fairly high metabolism, one which will almost certainly not last indefinitely.

Chris claims that he cooks for himself 4 or 5 days a week,<ref>[[Mumble 6]]</ref> making his cooking a major source of his nutrition. He has said that he took home-ec classes in school and that he owns cook books.<ref>[[IRC (18 December 2008)]]</ref> However, when Jackie asked him to cook spaghetti in a YouTube video (an incredibly basic dish), he dodged responsibility by claiming that [[Barbara]] had blocked the kitchen up with junk, so he instead made microwaved spaghetti and meatballs.<ref>[[SpaghettiRoutine]]</ref> It can be deduced from this that Chris can't or doesn't cook, and simply buys microwavable meals every time he claims to be eating at home.

Many, many times, Chris has been shown to be a glutton for all kinds of food, eating excessively in public places and during parties. His complexion also gives insight into his daily nutrition, often showing various signs of acne and acne scarring. This suggests that Chris never drinks water, and that he drinks a lot of [[CWC Cola|carbonated]] [[My Coke Rewards|drinks]] and [[semen|energy drinks]] (which have been proven to increase erratic behavior). His most probable nutritional intake is as follows:

* Breakfast: Usually nothing because he usually [[Biological clock|sleeps from 6 a.m. to noon]], but on the rare occasion he does eat McDonald's, or some other fast food restaurant with breakfast options.
* Lunch: Something quick at home, or fast food, either alone or with his father.
* Dinner: Eat out with family (fast food) or poorly-cooked/microwave meal.

In addition, it is believed that Chris's diet is one of the causes for his [[Dirty crapped briefs|fecal incontinence]] (the other one being [[Homos#Evidence that Chris is a homo|ramming stuff in his shit tube]]), as chronic constipation can be one cause of fecal incontinence;<ref>[[Wikipedia:Fecal_incontinence#Constipation|Fecal incontinence on Wikipedia]]</ref> casually, it happens that Chris's diet of McDonald's, microwaveable food, and little or no vegetables or fruit is very likely ridiculously low on fiber and thus a sure-fire way of causing constipation, and Chris has been going on with this diet for who knows how many years.

According to Chris, he eats more vegetables than any other foods of any other food group.<ref>[[Kacey Call 7]]</ref> The veracity of this statement is dubious, given what is know about Chris's medical history and health in general.

In short, Chris is a fatty, he denies it, and his food makes him shit himself.

It seems that his diet has finally caught up with him, as it was revealed in the [[Father Call|conversation]] with [[Kacey]]'s father that Chris's doctor has prescribed him [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]] for his high cholesterol. Chris claims that he stopped taking the drug in the fall of [[2009]], but whether he was being honest (especially given the number of obvious [[lies]] he told about his health in the course of the rest of the conversation) is uncertain.

===Places where Chris likes to eat===
* [[Country Cookin]]
* [[McDonalds]]
* [[Golden Corral]] (Has closed its doors in Charlottesville)
* [[Chick-fil-A]]
* [[Semen|Bedroom]]

==Exercise==

<center>{{#ev:youtube|c7BcDvftwhI}}</center>

{{quote|[…] while my body is [[I AM STRONG|Strong]] and [[Power]]ful, I am unable to Run Fast without losing breath 10-Seconds in [[Sonic]]-Running Speed.|[[CWCipedia]]<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Private_villa_of_corrupted_citizens#I_DO.21</ref>}}

Chris has not had any regular exercise since leaving [[Manchester High School|high school]], and the lack of physical activity has contributed to his already ballooning shape. Since he barely leaves his house and focuses his time on playing [[video games]], his lack of exposure to the sunlight has left his skin a frightening pallor that starkly contrasts to the dark background of his room, while making videos. Also, most fat people have strong, stocky legs, due to carrying around all that weight, but since Chris very rarely performs any task more physically demanding than [[Guitar Hero|standing up]], his muscles have withered away, leaving a body made almost entirely out of fat, as evidenced by his incredibly thin and weak arms [[Sign Destruction Video|that are incapable of breaking wooden sticks]] and [[Chris Loses It|barely capable of tearing cardboard]].

When questioned about exercise, he regarded standing up and playing ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' as exercise.<ref>[[IRC (03 January 2009)]]</ref> Needless to say Chris is clearly delusional. In Chris's [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|''PaRappa'' contest entry]], where he foolishly chose to dance, he seemed to get tired very easily from dancing for a mere thirty seconds and even stopped recording to take a break (evidenced by the abrupt change of position). While attending [[Fridays After Five]] for a while, he danced in public like a stroke victim, then sat down to rest and play some vidya outdoors.

During the later stages of his infatuation with [[Kacey]], many of Chris's videos showed a growing obsession with his own physical power. Chris apparently believes himself to be a nigh-unstoppable testament to human might, and has made several videos dedicated to [[I AM STRONG|flexing]] and [[30 Push-Ups|feats]] of [[11042009 51 50|strength]], performing Herculean tasks such as lifting boxes of lemonade and almost doing fake push-ups. He appears to believe that he could defeat both his rivals [[Gregg Mays]] and [[Liquid Chris]] should it to come to blows, and as such has challenged them to fisticuffs multiple times.

Of course, Chris is once again completely delusional about his own abilities. The push-ups and curls he has struggled to do on camera only serve to demonstrate exactly how hopelessly out of shape he really is. He's so fat and his muscles are so small that it's never clear whether he's actually flexing, and the [[CWCFighter|fighting]] [[Challenge for Clyde|moves]] he's shown us are laughably incompetent. Were Chris to get his wish and physically confront Gregg or Liquid, he would definitely have his ass handed to him.

In the [[Father Call]] and the subsequent [[Kacey and Liquid Call]], Chris made various claims about having taken up jogging. At one point he claimed to jog five miles (8 km) a day, but it didn't take long for Kacey and her father to call him out on this obvious lie. The truth is clearly shown in the video [[Sonichu's Edge]], where Chris runs only a fraction of a mile and had to take six breaks to catch his breath, whereas with a person in decent health would take a few seconds to jog the same distance without having to stop as often as Chris did.
{{clear}}

==Hygiene==
{{quote|I shower Daily.|Chris<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21 http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21]</ref>}}
[[Image:Didyoubathe.JPG|thumb|right|180px|Did you bathe? *SPOILER* No]][[Image:Plusoneshoweroffilth.jpg‎|thumb|left|Where Chris marinates in his own filth.]]

Chris's hygiene is perhaps his worst quality. Many times has Chris regarded [[Axe]] as a substitute for a shower. According to [[Emily]], he smelled of "rotten watermelons"; [[Robert Simmons V]] said that he had a variant of the homeless person stank, and field agents have said "body odor masked with gallons of Axe". Chris compounds this problem by frequently going for days without changing his clothes; perusal of his videos has shown him wearing the same shirt for as long as a week at a stretch. The condition of his epidermal system is so poor that it's visibly noticeable, even in his low quality videos. The texture of grease that is probably permanently adhered to his skin creates a disgusting sheen that reflects a significant amount of light. The same goes for his hair, which is in such poor condition that when he allowed it to grow for the [[Tomgirl Pictures]], many strands were clumped together in greasy, sticky locks, looking akin to the long beard of a homeless man.

Unless being immersed in his surroundings for so long has destroyed his ability to note his foul vapors, it's a marvel that Chris refuses to indulge in basic hygienic activities such as bathing or showering, even if briefly. Most likely, it's because time spent in the shower is time not spent playing video games, drawing terrible comics, or stalking young ladies. If he showered regularly, his -45% chance of finding a [[boyfriend-free girl]] would erupt all the way up to 0%.

Despite his irregular (at best) use of the shower, Chris is reportedly an enthusiastic consumer of hand sanitizer. [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] recalled that he would scrub his hands with germ-killing jellied alcohol after every post-card-game handshake at [[the GAMe PLACe]], and photographs of Chris at [[Fridays After Five]] suggest that he kept a bottle on hand at all times.

{{clear}}

==Dental health==
[[Image:ChrisCavities.JPG‎|thumb|right|He's not even afraid to show the gaping cavities at the back of his mouth. Now that's [[honest content]]!]]
Chris's fondness for baring his [[fangs]] in moments of [[Chris and anger|tard rage]] has revealed substantial dental work, particularly on his back molars, which look to have had most of their surface drilled and filled to deal with cavities. It seems likely that Chris takes about as much care of his teeth as he does any other part of his body, and that he'll be needing crowns and other painful, expensive dental surgery some time later in his life, assuming he lives that long.

Although it is difficult to tell, in the few instances we get to see his teeth, they seem to be a strange yellow-brown color, which is the result of large consumption of [[My Coke Rewards|carbonated drinks]], poor dental hygiene, and refusal to visit a professional under the influence of his massive [[Chris and his ego|narcissism]].
{{clear}}
==Mental health==

[[Chris and psychology|As noted]], Chris has a hostile relationship with psychotherapy, so there is little that can be said about what mental illnesses he has. Because autism isn't nearly enough to explain the full spectrum of his abject psyche, many observers have tried to pin down Chris for a variety of mental illnesses ranging from sociopathy (minus the increase in charisma) to narcissism (ditto). Chris is so very, very screwed up that it's impossible to tell if he's really mentally ill or just that much of a waste of space.

The one mental failing that debilitates Chris most, even more than his autism, is his rigid refusal to adapt to his environment. This stubbornness, more than anything else, is what makes him such a frustrating failure of a human being—he refuses to advance mentally beyond the mind of a ten-year-old with some ''[[Wikipedia:Playboy|Playboy]]'' magazines stuffed under his mattress. Whatever mental problems he may have are only exacerbated by this stubborn inability to mature or even alter his tactics.

His social awkwardness, narcissism, and several other unwanted traits trace back to his inept parents, who spoil him and tell him life will be all sugar and [[rainbow]]s. It is quite possible that Chris doesn't feel like his life has truly begun, that he is still in the "pre-adult" years—this could be related to Chris still being a [[virgin]], and a possible belief, subconscious or otherwise, that he isn't able to truly be an adult until he has sex. Since Chris has been pampered and sheltered from basically all forms of outside influence, he lacks experience with the real world, as well as basic feelings such as empathy, sympathy and humility. His reaction to the real world can best be seen in his reactions to trolls; instead of dealing with them in a constructive way (taking their advice) or even a neutral way (either ignoring them or getting off the internets), he will freak out, yell at things, blame his autism for his shortcomings, and maybe crush a [[dildo]].

He also has a peculiar notion that he is slim, broad-shouldered and tan, and that he has a full head of [[hair]] and is generally not creepy. This image comes from two things:

* His mother would always [[Barbara#Pampering_of_Chris|tell him how "handsome" he was]]. This might simply be [[Barbara]] telling her son what all mothers tell their kids.
* He has an [[Wikipedia:Prosopagnosia|inability to remember faces]]. For example, during the [[Blanca]] incidents, trolls used pictures of two different girls to represent Blanca and he never suspected a thing; he thinks that he and [[BILLY MAYS]] would have looked the same if BILLY shaved off his beard. In [[high school]], he had to remember his own appearance by staring in the mirror, leaving his more youthful image of himself branded in his mind.<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic8Page24.jpg ''Sonichu'' #7, page 24]</ref> The fact that the only distinguishing features of his cartoon characters are hair and eye color also point to this, although this may just be Chris being a [[Chris and art|shitty artist]].

Many people think that, far from being mentally ill, Chris is just misguided and simply needs to be steered in the right direction. [[White knight|However…]]

==Sexual health==
Bent at a horrifying 45° angle, Chris's [[duck]] is a thing of almost unholy terror. While there has been much speculation as to the cause of this (possibly [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyronie%27s_disease Peyronie's disease]), it is ultimately a mystery that will probably never be solved. While correctable, the process is expensive and Chris has other, more important, things on which to spend his (or rather, [[Monthly tugboat|taxpayers']]) money.

In correspondence with [[Jackie]], Chris revealed he was checked for STDs in early [[2010]].<ref>[[Jackie e-mails]]</ref>

:'''SPOILER ALERT:''' He doesn't have any for [[virgin with rage|obvious reasons]].

==Other deformities==
[[Image:Eye.jpg|thumb|"My left eye is blue, and my right eye is brown-my right is green."<ref>[[CWC Update 13 August 2009]]</ref>]]
Chris also has mild [[heterochromia]], which he claims is the result of pinkeye medicine that he took in high school. However, in a photo of a young Chris, his right eye is green.<ref>[[:Image:0043-YoungChristopher2.jpg]]</ref> He probably tells this story so people think he's [[Autism|special]].

His voice is also a very [[speech Impediment|severe deformity]], ranging in pitch from normal to the sound of a three-year old girl on helium all the way to [[Wikipedia:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]]. It has been medically proven that one of the effects of [[Asperger's syndrome]] is a lack of variation in speech such as tone, pitch and accent. It can also work backwards, which could explain Chris's far from normal voice: autistics often have difficulty distinguishing voice tone. In his [[Song of Christian]] video, his voice sounds almost entirely normal, except for the occasional times where he recalls [[Wikipedia:List_of_Conker_characters#Conker_the_Squirrel|Conker]] of ''[[Wikipedia:Conker's Bad Fur Day|Conker's Bad Fur Day]]''. However, this voice deformity most likely comes from the fact he has little to no human interaction, which such isolation has been proven to change a person's perception of pitch, especially if they're autistic. With enough isolation, this will most likely become permanent.

[[/cwc/|Some]] have pointed out that Chris has an unusually wide [[wikipedia:Nasal septum|septum]], as seen in his [[MySpace]] picture.<ref>[[:File:Myspace.jpg]]</ref> Others go as far as to say he lacks one altogether. The cause of this, like his bent [[duck]], is as yet unknown.

In his [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Manicure/Pedicure stories?|Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] posts, Chris has admitted to being a [[tobacky|chronic]] nail biter, taking his habit to such an extreme that he required nail replacement surgery at one point, requiring a prosthesis.

==See also==
*[[Autism]]
*[[Obesity]]

==Sauce==
<references/>
{{Chris and}}

Chris and health

2011-09-03T09:52:35Z

Dann Woolf:

{{quote|Eat less cow meat; Grilled Chicken is healthier. [[Pickle|Vegetables]] and Fruit are a must; Walking or [[Father Call|Jogging]] is great exercise daily. Standing helps too; play some ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' on [[Gitar of Fail|Guitar]], you have to stand while playing, and move a bit for fun and movement.|Chris' [[Chris and Hypocrisy|ironic]] advice for [[Wikipedia:Ivan Drago|Ivan Drago]]<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Mailbag_2</ref>}}

[[Image:DecayOfManChild.jpg|thumb|Chris in a few years.]]
[[Chris]], as even those with a cursory knowledge of medicine could plainly see, is not in good '''health'''. Considering his [[obesity]], lack of exercise, poor nutrition, refusal to bathe, and the grave disrepair/uncleanliness of his [[14 Branchland Court|surroundings]], he has an extremely high chance of developing potentially life threatening medical problems such as cancer, heart disease or type 2 diabetes.

==Nutrition==
{{main|Obesity}}
[[Image:Ecp00065.jpg|thumb|left|Christian Weston Chandler is not a very healthy individual in any sense of this word]]
[[File:Recycle.jpg|thumb|Chris tends to drink large amounts of soft drinks daily.]]
Chris is a known fast food lover, eating either [[McDonald's]] or [[Burger King]] (usually with his [[Bob Chandler|father]]) at least once a day. He has been known to dine out up to four times a day. The fact that he's merely fat and not morbidly obese with such an awe-inspiring calorific intake and inactive lifestyle suggests a fairly high metabolism, one which will almost certainly not last indefinitely.

Chris claims that he cooks for himself 4 or 5 days a week,<ref>[[Mumble 6]]</ref> making his cooking a major source of his nutrition. He has said that he took home-ec classes in school and that he owns cook books.<ref>[[IRC (18 December 2008)]]</ref> However, when Jackie asked him to cook spaghetti in a YouTube video (an incredibly basic dish), he dodged responsibility by claiming that [[Barbara]] had blocked the kitchen up with junk, so he instead made microwaved spaghetti and meatballs.<ref>[[SpaghettiRoutine]]</ref> It can be deduced from this that Chris can't or doesn't cook, and simply buys microwavable meals every time he claims to be eating at home.

Many, many times, Chris has been shown to be a glutton for all kinds of food, eating excessively in public places and during parties. His complexion also gives insight into his daily nutrition, often showing various signs of acne and acne scarring. This suggests that Chris never drinks water, and that he drinks a lot of [[CWC Cola|carbonated]] [[My Coke Rewards|drinks]] and [[semen|energy drinks]] (which have been proven to increase erratic behavior). His most probable nutritional intake is as follows:

* Breakfast: Usually nothing because he usually [[Biological clock|sleeps from 6 a.m. to noon]], but on the rare occasion he does eat McDonald's, or some other fast food restaurant with breakfast options.
* Lunch: Something quick at home, or fast food, either alone or with his father.
* Dinner: Eat out with family (fast food) or poorly-cooked/microwave meal.

In addition, it is believed that Chris's diet is one of the causes for his [[Dirty crapped briefs|fecal incontinence]] (the other one being [[Homos#Evidence that Chris is a homo|ramming stuff in his shit tube]]), as chronic constipation can be one cause of fecal incontinence;<ref>[[Wikipedia:Fecal_incontinence#Constipation|Fecal incontinence on Wikipedia]]</ref> casually, it happens that Chris's diet of McDonald's, microwaveable food, and little or no vegetables or fruit is very likely ridiculously low on fiber and thus a sure-fire way of causing constipation, and Chris has been going on with this diet for who knows how many years.

According to Chris, he eats more vegetables than any other foods of any other food group.<ref>[[Kacey Call 7]]</ref> The veracity of this statement is dubious, given what is know about Chris's medical history and health in general.

In short, Chris is a fatty, he denies it, and his food makes him shit himself.

It seems that his diet has finally caught up with him, as it was revealed in the [[Father Call|conversation]] with [[Kacey]]'s father that Chris's doctor has prescribed him [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]] for his high cholesterol. Chris claims that he stopped taking the drug in the fall of [[2009]], but whether he was being honest (especially given the number of obvious [[lies]] he told about his health in the course of the rest of the conversation) is uncertain.

===Places where Chris likes to eat===
* [[Country Cookin]]
* [[McDonalds]]
* [[Golden Corral]] (Has closed its doors in Charlottesville)
* [[Chick-fil-A]]
* [[Semen|Bedroom]]

==Exercise==

<center>{{#ev:youtube|c7BcDvftwhI}}</center>

{{quote|[…] while my body is [[I AM STRONG|Strong]] and [[Power]]ful, I am unable to Run Fast without losing breath 10-Seconds in [[Sonic]]-Running Speed.|[[CWCipedia]]<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Private_villa_of_corrupted_citizens#I_DO.21</ref>}}

Chris has not had any regular exercise since leaving [[Manchester High School|high school]], and the lack of physical activity has contributed to his already ballooning shape. Since he barely leaves his house and focuses his time on playing [[video games]], his lack of exposure to the sunlight has left his skin a frightening pallor that starkly contrasts to the dark background of his room, while making videos. Also, most fat people have strong, stocky legs, due to carrying around all that weight, but since Chris very rarely performs any task more physically demanding than [[Guitar Hero|standing up]], his muscles have withered away, leaving a body made almost entirely out of fat, as evidenced by his incredibly thin and weak arms [[Sign Destruction Video|that are incapable of breaking wooden sticks]] and [[Chris Loses It|barely capable of tearing cardboard]].

When questioned about exercise, he regarded standing up and playing ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' as exercise.<ref>[[IRC (03 January 2009)]]</ref> Needless to say Chris is clearly delusional. In Chris's [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|''PaRappa'' contest entry]], where he foolishly chose to dance, he seemed to get tired very easily from dancing for a mere thirty seconds and even stopped recording to take a break (evidenced by the abrupt change of position). While attending [[Fridays After Five]] for a while, he danced in public like a stroke victim, then sat down to rest and play some vidya outdoors.

During the later stages of his infatuation with [[Kacey]], many of Chris's videos showed a growing obsession with his own physical power. Chris apparently believes himself to be a nigh-unstoppable testament to human might, and has made several videos dedicated to [[I AM STRONG|flexing]] and [[30 Push-Ups|feats]] of [[11042009 51 50|strength]], performing Herculean tasks such as lifting boxes of lemonade and almost doing fake push-ups. He appears to believe that he could defeat both his rivals [[Gregg Mays]] and [[Liquid Chris]] should it to come to blows, and as such has challenged them to fisticuffs multiple times.

Of course, Chris is once again completely delusional about his own abilities. The push-ups and curls he has struggled to do on camera only serve to demonstrate exactly how hopelessly out of shape he really is. He's so fat and his muscles are so small that it's never clear whether he's actually flexing, and the [[CWCFighter|fighting]] [[Challenge for Clyde|moves]] he's shown us are laughably incompetent. Were Chris to get his wish and physically confront Gregg or Liquid, he would definitely have his ass handed to him.

In the [[Father Call]] and the subsequent [[Kacey and Liquid Call]], Chris made various claims about having taken up jogging. At one point he claimed to jog five miles (8 km) a day, but it didn't take long for Kacey and her father to call him out on this obvious lie. The truth is clearly shown in the video [[Sonichu's Edge]], where Chris runs only a fraction of a mile and had to take six breaks to catch his breath, whereas with a person in decent health would take a few seconds to jog the same distance without having to stop as often as Chris did.
{{clear}}

==Hygiene==
{{quote|I shower Daily.|Chris<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21 http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21]</ref>}}
[[Image:Didyoubathe.JPG|thumb|right|180px|Did you bathe? *SPOILER* No]][[Image:Plusoneshoweroffilth.jpg‎|thumb|left|Where Chris marinates in his own filth.]]

Chris's hygiene is perhaps his worst quality. Many times has Chris regarded [[Axe]] as a substitute for a shower. According to [[Emily]], he smelled of "rotten watermelons"; [[Robert Simmons V]] said that he had a variant of the homeless person stank, and field agents have said "body odor masked with gallons of Axe". Chris compounds this problem by frequently going for days without changing his clothes; perusal of his videos has shown him wearing the same shirt for as long as a week at a stretch. The condition of his epidermal system is so poor that it's visibly noticeable, even in his low quality videos. The texture of grease that is probably permanently adhered to his skin creates a disgusting sheen that reflects a significant amount of light. The same goes for his hair, which is in such poor condition that when he allowed it to grow for the [[Tomgirl Pictures]], many strands were clumped together in greasy, sticky locks, looking akin to the long beard of a homeless man.

Unless being immersed in his surroundings for so long has destroyed his ability to note his foul vapors, it's a marvel that Chris refuses to indulge in basic hygienic activities such as bathing or showering, even if briefly. Most likely, it's because time spent in the shower is time not spent playing video games, drawing terrible comics, or stalking young ladies. If he showered regularly, his -45% chance of finding a [[boyfriend-free girl]] would erupt all the way up to 0%.

Despite his irregular (at best) use of the shower, Chris is reportedly an enthusiastic consumer of hand sanitizer. [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] recalled that he would scrub his hands with germ-killing jellied alcohol after every post-card-game handshake at [[the GAMe PLACe]], and photographs of Chris at [[Fridays After Five]] suggest that he kept a bottle on hand at all times.

{{clear}}

==Dental health==
[[Image:ChrisCavities.JPG‎|thumb|right|He's not even afraid to show the gaping cavities at the back of his mouth. Now that's [[honest content]]!]]
Chris's fondness for baring his [[fangs]] in moments of [[Chris and anger|tard rage]] has revealed substantial dental work, particularly on his back molars, which look to have had most of their surface drilled and filled to deal with cavities. It seems likely that Chris takes about as much care of his teeth as he does any other part of his body, and that he'll be needing crowns and other painful, expensive dental surgery some time later in his life, assuming he lives that long.

Although it is difficult to tell, in the few instances we get to see his teeth, they seem to be a strange yellow-brown color, which is the result of large consumption of [[My Coke Rewards|carbonated drinks]], poor dental hygiene, and refusal to visit a professional under the influence of his massive [[Chris and his ego|narcissism]].
{{clear}}
==Mental health==

[[Chris and psychology|As noted]], Chris has a hostile relationship with psychotherapy, so there is little that can be said about what mental illnesses he has. Because autism isn't nearly enough to explain the full spectrum of his abject psyche, many observers have tried to pin down Chris for a variety of mental illnesses ranging from sociopathy (minus the increase in charisma) to narcissism (ditto). Chris is so very, very screwed up that it's impossible to tell if he's really mentally ill or just that much of a waste of space.

The one mental failing that debilitates Chris most, even more than his autism, is his rigid refusal to adapt to his environment. This stubbornness, more than anything else, is what makes him such a frustrating failure of a human being—he refuses to advance mentally beyond the mind of a ten-year-old with some ''[[Wikipedia:Playboy|Playboy]]'' magazines stuffed under his mattress. Whatever mental problems he may have are only exacerbated by this stubborn inability to mature or even alter his tactics.

His social awkwardness, narcissism, and several other unwanted traits trace back to his inept parents, who spoil him and tell him life will be all sugar and [[rainbow]]s. It is quite possible that Chris doesn't feel like his life has truly begun, that he is still in the "pre-adult" years—this could be related to Chris still being a [[virgin]], and a possible belief, subconscious or otherwise, that he isn't able to truly be an adult until he has sex. Since Chris has been pampered and sheltered from basically all forms of outside influence, he lacks experience with the real world, as well as basic feelings such as empathy, sympathy and humility. His reaction to the real world can best be seen in his reactions to trolls; instead of dealing with them in a constructive way (taking their advice) or even a neutral way (either ignoring them or getting off the internets), he will freak out, yell at things, blame his autism for his shortcomings, and maybe crush a [[dildo]].

He also has a peculiar notion that he is slim, broad-shouldered and tan, and that he has a full head of [[hair]] and is generally not creepy. This image comes from two things:

* His mother would always [[Barbara#Pampering_of_Chris|tell him how "handsome" he was]]. This might simply be [[Barbara]] telling her son what all mothers tell their kids.
* He has an [[Wikipedia:Prosopagnosia|inability to remember faces]]. For example, during the [[Blanca]] incidents, trolls used pictures of two different girls to represent Blanca and he never suspected a thing; he thinks that he and [[BILLY MAYS]] would have looked the same if BILLY shaved off his beard. In [[high school]], he had to remember his own appearance by staring in the mirror, leaving his more youthful image of himself branded in his mind.<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic8Page24.jpg ''Sonichu'' #7, page 24]</ref> The fact that the only distinguishing features of his cartoon characters are hair and eye color also point to this, although this may just be Chris being a [[Chris and art|shitty artist]].

Many people think that, far from being mentally ill, Chris is just misguided and simply needs to be steered in the right direction. [[White knight|However…]]

==Sexual health==
Bent at a horrifying 45° angle, Chris's [[duck]] is a thing of almost unholy terror. While there has been much speculation as to the cause of this (possibly [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyronie%27s_disease Peyronie's disease]), it is ultimately a mystery that will probably never be solved. While correctable, the process is expensive and Chris has other, more important, things on which to spend his (or rather, [[Monthly tugboat|taxpayers']]) money.

In correspondence with [[Jackie]], Chris revealed he was checked for STDs in early [[2010]].<ref>[[Jackie e-mails]]</ref>

:'''SPOILER ALERT:''' He doesn't have any for [[virgin with rage|obvious reasons]].

==Other deformities==
[[Image:Eye.jpg|thumb|"My left eye is blue, and my right eye is brown-my right is green."<ref>[[CWC Update 13 August 2009]]</ref>]]
Chris also has mild [[heterochromia]], which he claims is the result of pinkeye medicine that he took in high school. However, in a photo of a young Chris, his right eye is green.<ref>[[:Image:0043-YoungChristopher2.jpg]]</ref> He probably tells this story so people think he's [[Autism|special]].

His voice is also a very [[speech Impediment|severe deformity]], ranging in pitch from normal to the sound of a three-year old girl on helium all the way to [[Wikipedia:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]]. It has been medically proven that one of the effects of [[Asperger's syndrome]] is a lack of variation in speech such as tone, pitch and accent. It can also work backwards, which could explain Chris's far from normal voice: autistics often have difficulty distinguishing voice tone. In his [[Song of Christian]] video, his voice sounds almost entirely normal, except for the occasional times where he recalls [[Wikipedia:List_of_Conker_characters#Conker_the_Squirrel|Conker]] of ''[[Wikipedia:Conker's Bad Fur Day|Conker's Bad Fur Day]]''. However, this voice deformity most likely comes from the fact he has little to no human interaction, which such isolation has been proven to change a person's perception of pitch, especially if they're autistic. With enough isolation, this will most likely become permanent for the rest of his life.

[[/cwc/|Some]] have pointed out that Chris has an unusually wide [[wikipedia:Nasal septum|septum]], as seen in his [[MySpace]] picture.<ref>[[:File:Myspace.jpg]]</ref> Others go as far as to say he lacks one altogether. The cause of this, like his bent [[duck]], is as yet unknown.

In his [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Manicure/Pedicure stories?|Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] posts, Chris has admitted to being a [[tobacky|chronic]] nail biter, taking his habit to such an extreme that he required nail replacement surgery at one point, requiring a prosthesis.

==See also==
*[[Autism]]
*[[Obesity]]

==Sauce==
<references/>
{{Chris and}}

Chris and health

2011-09-03T09:46:17Z

Dann Woolf:

{{quote|Eat less cow meat; Grilled Chicken is healthier. [[Pickle|Vegetables]] and Fruit are a must; Walking or [[Father Call|Jogging]] is great exercise daily. Standing helps too; play some ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' on [[Gitar of Fail|Guitar]], you have to stand while playing, and move a bit for fun and movement.|Chris' [[Chris and Hypocrisy|ironic]] advice for [[Wikipedia:Ivan Drago|Ivan Drago]]<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Mailbag_2</ref>}}

[[Image:DecayOfManChild.jpg|thumb|Chris in a few years.]]
[[Chris]], as even those with a cursory knowledge of medicine could plainly see, is not in good '''health'''. Considering his [[obesity]], lack of exercise, poor nutrition, refusal to bathe, and the grave disrepair/uncleanliness of his [[14 Branchland Court|surroundings]], he has an extremely high chance of developing potentially life threatening medical problems such as cancer, heart disease or type 2 diabetes.

==Nutrition==
{{main|Obesity}}
[[Image:Ecp00065.jpg|thumb|left|Christian Weston Chandler is not a very healthy individual in any sense of this word]]
[[File:Recycle.jpg|thumb|Chris tends to drink large amounts of soft drinks daily.]]
Chris is a known fast food lover, eating either [[McDonald's]] or [[Burger King]] (usually with his [[Bob Chandler|father]]) at least once a day. He has been known to dine out up to four times a day. The fact that he's merely fat and not morbidly obese with such an awe-inspiring calorific intake and inactive lifestyle suggests a fairly high metabolism, one which will almost certainly not last indefinitely.

Chris claims that he cooks for himself 4 or 5 days a week,<ref>[[Mumble 6]]</ref> making his cooking a major source of his nutrition. He has said that he took home-ec classes in school and that he owns cook books.<ref>[[IRC (18 December 2008)]]</ref> However, when Jackie asked him to cook spaghetti in a YouTube video (an incredibly basic dish), he dodged responsibility by claiming that [[Barbara]] had blocked the kitchen up with junk, so he instead made microwaved spaghetti and meatballs.<ref>[[SpaghettiRoutine]]</ref> It can be deduced from this that Chris can't or doesn't cook, and simply buys microwavable meals every time he claims to be eating at home.

Many, many times, Chris has been shown to be a glutton for all kinds of food, eating excessively in public places and during parties. His complexion also gives insight into his daily nutrition, often showing various signs of acne and acne scarring. This suggests that Chris never drinks water, and that he drinks a lot of [[CWC Cola|carbonated]] [[My Coke Rewards|drinks]] and [[semen|energy drinks]] (which have been proven to increase erratic behavior). His most probable nutritional intake is as follows:

* Breakfast: Usually nothing because he usually [[Biological clock|sleeps from 6 a.m. to noon]], but on the rare occasion he does eat McDonald's, or some other fast food restaurant with breakfast options.
* Lunch: Something quick at home, or fast food, either alone or with his father.
* Dinner: Eat out with family (fast food) or poorly-cooked/microwave meal.

In addition, it is believed that Chris's diet is one of the causes for his [[Dirty crapped briefs|fecal incontinence]] (the other one being [[Homos#Evidence that Chris is a homo|ramming stuff in his shit tube]]), as chronic constipation can be one cause of fecal incontinence;<ref>[[Wikipedia:Fecal_incontinence#Constipation|Fecal incontinence on Wikipedia]]</ref> casually, it happens that Chris's diet of McDonald's, microwaveable food, and little or no vegetables or fruit is very likely ridiculously low on fiber and thus a sure-fire way of causing constipation, and Chris has been going on with this diet for who knows how many years.

According to Chris, he eats more vegetables than any other foods of any other food group.<ref>[[Kacey Call 7]]</ref> The veracity of this statement is dubious, given what is know about Chris's medical history and health in general.

In short, Chris is a fatty, he denies it, and his food makes him shit himself.

It seems that his diet has finally caught up with him, as it was revealed in the [[Father Call|conversation]] with [[Kacey]]'s father that Chris's doctor has prescribed him [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]] for his high cholesterol. Chris claims that he stopped taking the drug in the fall of [[2009]], but whether he was being honest (especially given the number of obvious [[lies]] he told about his health in the course of the rest of the conversation) is uncertain.

===Places where Chris likes to eat===
* [[Country Cookin]]
* [[McDonalds]]
* [[Golden Corral]] (Has closed its doors in Charlottesville)
* [[Chick-fil-A]]
* [[Semen|Bedroom]]

==Exercise==

<center>{{#ev:youtube|c7BcDvftwhI}}</center>

{{quote|[…] while my body is [[I AM STRONG|Strong]] and [[Power]]ful, I am unable to Run Fast without losing breath 10-Seconds in [[Sonic]]-Running Speed.|[[CWCipedia]]<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Private_villa_of_corrupted_citizens#I_DO.21</ref>}}

Chris has not had any regular exercise since leaving [[Manchester High School|high school]], and the lack of physical activity has contributed to his already ballooning shape. Since he barely leaves his house and focuses his time on playing [[video games]], his lack of exposure to the sunlight has left his skin a frightening pallor that starkly contrasts to the dark background of his room, while making videos. Also, most fat people have strong, stocky legs, due to carrying around all that weight, but since Chris very rarely performs any task more physically demanding than [[Guitar Hero|standing up]], his muscles have withered away, leaving a body made almost entirely out of fat, as evidenced by his incredibly thin and weak arms [[Sign Destruction Video|that are incapable of breaking wooden sticks]] and [[Chris Loses It|barely capable of tearing cardboard]].

When questioned about exercise, he regarded standing up and playing ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' as exercise.<ref>[[IRC (03 January 2009)]]</ref> Needless to say Chris is clearly delusional. In Chris's [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|''PaRappa'' contest entry]], where he foolishly chose to dance, he seemed to get tired very easily from dancing for a mere thirty seconds and even stopped recording to take a break (evidenced by the abrupt change of position). While attending [[Fridays After Five]] for a while, he danced in public like a stroke victim, then sat down to rest and play some vidya outdoors.

During the later stages of his infatuation with [[Kacey]], many of Chris's videos showed a growing obsession with his own physical power. Chris apparently believes himself to be a nigh-unstoppable testament to human might, and has made several videos dedicated to [[I AM STRONG|flexing]] and [[30 Push-Ups|feats]] of [[11042009 51 50|strength]], performing Herculean tasks such as lifting boxes of lemonade and almost doing fake push-ups. He appears to believe that he could defeat both his rivals [[Gregg Mays]] and [[Liquid Chris]] should it to come to blows, and as such has challenged them to fisticuffs multiple times.

Of course, Chris is once again completely delusional about his own abilities. The push-ups and curls he has struggled to do on camera only serve to demonstrate exactly how hopelessly out of shape he really is. He's so fat and his muscles are so small that it's never clear whether he's actually flexing, and the [[CWCFighter|fighting]] [[Challenge for Clyde|moves]] he's shown us are laughably incompetent. Were Chris to get his wish and physically confront Gregg or Liquid, he would definitely have his ass handed to him.

In the [[Father Call]] and the subsequent [[Kacey and Liquid Call]], Chris made various claims about having taken up jogging. At one point he claimed to jog five miles (8 km) a day, but it didn't take long for Kacey and her father to call him out on this obvious lie. The truth is clearly shown in the video [[Sonichu's Edge]], where Chris runs only a fraction of a mile and had to take six breaks to catch his breath, whereas with a person in decent health would take a few seconds to jog the same distance without having to stop as often as Chris did.
{{clear}}

==Hygiene==
{{quote|I shower Daily.|Chris<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21 http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21]</ref>}}
[[Image:Didyoubathe.JPG|thumb|right|180px|Did you bathe? *SPOILER* No]][[Image:Plusoneshoweroffilth.jpg‎|thumb|left|Where Chris marinates in his own filth.]]

Chris's hygiene is perhaps his worst quality. Many times has Chris regarded [[Axe]] as a substitute for a shower. According to [[Emily]], he smelled of "rotten watermelons"; [[Robert Simmons V]] said that he had a variant of the homeless person stank, and field agents have said "body odor masked with gallons of Axe". Chris compounds this problem by frequently going for days without changing his clothes; perusal of his videos has shown him wearing the same shirt for as long as a week at a stretch. The condition of his epidermal system is so poor that it's visibly noticeable, even in his low quality videos. The texture of grease that is probably permanently adhered to his skin creates a disgusting sheen that reflects a significant amount of light. The same goes for his hair, which is in such poor condition that when he allowed it to grow for the [[Tomgirl Pictures]], many strands were clumped together in greasy, sticky locks, looking akin to the long beard of a homeless man.

Unless being immersed in his surroundings for so long has destroyed his ability to note his foul vapors, it's a marvel that Chris refuses to indulge in basic hygienic activities such as bathing or showering, even if briefly. Most likely, it's because time spent in the shower is time not spent playing video games, drawing terrible comics, or stalking young ladies. If he showered regularly, his -45% chance of finding a [[boyfriend-free girl]] would erupt all the way up to 0%.

Despite his irregular (at best) use of the shower, Chris is reportedly an enthusiastic consumer of hand sanitizer. [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] recalled that he would scrub his hands with germ-killing jellied alcohol after every post-card-game handshake at [[the GAMe PLACe]], and photographs of Chris at [[Fridays After Five]] suggest that he kept a bottle on hand at all times.

{{clear}}

==Dental health==
[[Image:ChrisCavities.JPG‎|thumb|right|He's not even afraid to show the gaping cavities at the back of his mouth. Now that's [[honest content]]!]]
Chris's fondness for baring his [[fangs]] in moments of [[Chris and anger|tard rage]] has revealed substantial dental work, particularly on his back molars, which look to have had most of their surface drilled and filled to deal with cavities. It seems likely that Chris takes about as much care of his teeth as he does any other part of his body, and that he'll be needing crowns and other painful, expensive dental surgery some time later in his life, assuming he lives that long.

Although it is difficult to tell, in the few instances we get to see his teeth, they seem to be a strange yellow-brown color, which is the result of large consumption of [[My Coke Rewards|carbonated drinks]], poor dental hygiene, and refusal to visit a professional under the influence of his massive [[Chris and his ego|narcissism]].
{{clear}}
==Mental health==

[[Chris and psychology|As noted]], Chris has a hostile relationship with psychotherapy, so there is little that can be said about what mental illnesses he has. Because autism isn't nearly enough to explain the full spectrum of his abject psyche, many observers have tried to pin down Chris for a variety of mental illnesses ranging from sociopathy (minus the increase in charisma) to narcissism (ditto). Chris is so very, very screwed up that it's impossible to tell if he's really mentally ill or just that much of a waste of space.

The one mental failing that debilitates Chris most, even more than his autism, is his rigid refusal to adapt to his environment. This stubbornness, more than anything else, is what makes him such a frustrating failure of a human being—he refuses to advance mentally beyond the mind of a ten-year-old with some ''[[Wikipedia:Playboy|Playboy]]'' magazines stuffed under his mattress. Whatever mental problems he may have are only exacerbated by this stubborn inability to mature or even alter his tactics.

His social awkwardness, narcissism, and several other unwanted traits trace back to his inept parents, who spoil him and tell him life will be all sugar and [[rainbow]]s. It is quite possible that Chris doesn't feel like his life has truly begun, that he is still in the "pre-adult" years—this could be related to Chris still being a [[virgin]], and a possible belief, subconscious or otherwise, that he isn't able to truly be an adult until he has sex. Since Chris has been pampered and sheltered from basically all forms of outside influence, he lacks experience with the real world, as well as basic feelings such as empathy, sympathy and humility. His reaction to the real world can best be seen in his reactions to trolls; instead of dealing with them in a constructive way (taking their advice) or even a neutral way (either ignoring them or getting off the internets), he will freak out, yell at things, blame his autism for his shortcomings, and maybe crush a [[dildo]].

He also has a peculiar notion that he is slim, broad-shouldered and tan, and that he has a full head of [[hair]] and is generally not creepy. This image comes from two things:

* His mother would always [[Barbara#Pampering_of_Chris|tell him how "handsome" he was]]. This might simply [[Barbara]] telling her son what all mothers tell their kids.
* He has an [[Wikipedia:Prosopagnosia|inability to remember faces]]. For example, during the [[Blanca]] incidents, trolls used pictures of two different girls to represent Blanca and he never suspected a thing; he thinks that he and [[BILLY MAYS]] would have looked the same if BILLY shaved off his beard. In [[high school]], he had to remember his own appearance by staring in the mirror, leaving his more youthful image of himself branded in his mind.<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic8Page24.jpg ''Sonichu'' #7, page 24]</ref> The fact that the only distinguishing features of his cartoon characters are hair and eye color also point to this, although this may just be Chris being a [[Chris and art|shitty artist]].

Many people think that, far from being mentally ill, Chris is just misguided and simply needs to be steered in the right direction. [[White knight|However…]]

==Sexual health==
Bent at a horrifying 45° angle, Chris's [[duck]] is a thing of almost unholy terror. While there has been much speculation as to the cause of this (possibly [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyronie%27s_disease Peyronie's disease]), it is ultimately a mystery that will probably never be solved. While correctable, the process is expensive and Chris has other, more important, things on which to spend his (or rather, [[Monthly tugboat|taxpayers']]) money.

In correspondence with [[Jackie]], Chris revealed he was checked for STDs in early [[2010]].<ref>[[Jackie e-mails]]</ref>

:'''SPOILER ALERT:''' He doesn't have any for [[virgin with rage|obvious reasons]].

==Other deformities==
[[Image:Eye.jpg|thumb|"My left eye is blue, and my right eye is brown-my right is green."<ref>[[CWC Update 13 August 2009]]</ref>]]
Chris also has mild [[heterochromia]], which he claims is the result of pinkeye medicine that he took in high school. However, in a photo of a young Chris, his right eye is green.<ref>[[:Image:0043-YoungChristopher2.jpg]]</ref> He probably tells this story so people think he's [[Autism|special]].

His voice is also a very [[speech Impediment|severe deformity]], ranging in pitch from normal to the sound of a three-year old girl on helium all the way to [[Wikipedia:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]]. It has been medically proven that one of the effects of [[Asperger's syndrome]] is a lack of variation in speech such as tone, pitch and accent. It can also work backwards, which could explain Chris's far from normal voice: autistics often have difficulty distinguishing voice tone. In his [[Song of Christian]] video, his voice sounds almost entirely normal, except for the occasional times where he recalls [[Wikipedia:List_of_Conker_characters#Conker_the_Squirrel|Conker]] of ''[[Wikipedia:Conker's Bad Fur Day|Conker's Bad Fur Day]]''. However, this voice deformity most likely comes from the fact he has little to no human interaction, which such isolation has been proven to change a person's perception of pitch, especially if they're autistic. With enough isolation, this will most likely become permanent for the rest of his life.

[[/cwc/|Some]] have pointed out that Chris has an unusually wide [[wikipedia:Nasal septum|septum]], as seen in his [[MySpace]] picture.<ref>[[:File:Myspace.jpg]]</ref> Others go as far as to say he lacks one altogether. The cause of this, like his bent [[duck]], is as yet unknown.

In his [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Manicure/Pedicure stories?|Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] posts, Chris has admitted to being a [[tobacky|chronic]] nail biter, taking his habit to such an extreme that he required nail replacement surgery at one point, requiring a prosthesis.

==See also==
*[[Autism]]
*[[Obesity]]

==Sauce==
<references/>
{{Chris and}}

Chris and English

2011-08-16T18:56:07Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:Writing_guide.PNG|thumb|right|Chris has no idea what this is...]]
[[Image:Englishfordummies.jpg|thumb|right|...nor this.]]

{{quote|I No Socialize Online.|Chris's strangely appropriate [[PS3|PSN]] comment.}}

[[Chris]]'s '''[[Wikipedia:English language|English]] skills''', like most other things related to Chris, leave much to be desired. Much of this can be attributed to his [[autism]], which often results in awkward speech patterns.<ref>[http://www.teacch.com/info_primer.html]</ref> He spent years of his childhood mute, and took speech therapy classes at [[James Madison University]]. Strangely, his grasp of English actually appears to have grown weaker as he's become older. This might owe to his increased isolation.

==CWC-isms==
Chris has a tendency to make up his own words for things, then use them with reckless abandon while assuming whoever is reading will be able to understand [[autism|exactly what he means]]. As such, we get terms like "B-dog" and "[[noviophobia]]". He also tends to appropriate existing words, giving them new meanings based entirely on his own skewed logic. This is why, in Chris-speak, [[navy]] isn't a sea-based military force and [[china]] isn't an [[Punchy|Asian]] nation.

In the case of words like the definite article "da", Chris might be trying to make a pass at using slang to sound casual and relaxed, but instead, he ends up sounding like a marketing executive grasping desperately for credibility. Other famous [[CWC-isms]] like "[[tobacky]]", "[[niggos]]" and "[[gaybian]]" are the result of a different problem altogether: Chris is a manchild who can't even say out loud the names of objects or concepts which he finds repulsive. The use of these terms is a prime example of his immaturity.

These CWC-isms combine with his [[Speech Impediment|existing speech problems]] and his accent to form what you might call [[Wikipedia:Logorrhea|logorrhea]], literally "word flux". Basically, it's verbal diarrhea: a constant stream of almost-words. Any resemblance to actual English is tenuous at best, especially since his vocabulary is profoundly lacking in the first place.

{{quote|if I could have it my way, I'd make it [[Chris and Reality|illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe]]. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [''sic''] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls"|Chris, [[IRC (02 January 2009)]]}}

As you can see in the above quote, this abuse of language isn't limited to just the commonplace CWC-isms we've come to know and tolerate. "Instinctions" is a word Chris made up for this passage to sound fancy and smart, which only makes him look like he doesn't know the word "instances". Playing fast and loose with language just further decreases the impact of whatever Chris is trying to say. Also of note is that Chris wants to make it illegal to use a word a certain way, which is [[Chris and hypocrisy|hypocritical]], and — quite frankly — creepy.

His own lexicon, like many other aspects of his personality, demonstrates exactly how self-centered he is. While the whole purpose of language is to express thoughts and ideas to other people, he has managed to turn vocabulary into a brick wall, by crafting a mashed-together lexicon that makes sense only to him.

==Written language==
Chris's writing is a complete mess from top to bottom, to put it lightly.

For starters, he doesn't understand basic syntax and semantics: he uses words in the wrong context, or as incorrect parts of speech, and his grammar is abhorrent. For example, he refers to [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|finger-banging]] as "outtercourse",<ref>[[Megan Emails, 2008#Chris thinks she was scarred because she doesn't know much about sex]]</ref> which incorrectly replaces the supposed prefix ''in-'' — which leaves ''tercourse'', which is not a word at all — while the correct prefix is ''inter-'', meaning "between". (Incidentally, "outercourse" is an actual colloquialism meaning [[wikipedia:Non-penetrative sex|dry-humping]], not fingering.) Similarly, [[Mailbag 52|the infamous stock reply used to address Mailbag entries]] includes "inputed" as the past participle of ''input''; the correct word is either ''input'' or ''inputted''.<ref>[[wiktionary:input]]</ref>

Chris misuses punctuation in many ways, often resulting in unintentional comedy. In particular, he tends to add hyphens where they aren't needed, such as in his stock phrase "[[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]". Clearly he means that he wants to create a relationship from the "ground up", from a blank slate, from the simplest of beginnings. A literal interpretation, though, means he wants to create a girlfriend from something that's been ground up — ground chuck, ground pepper, what-have-you.

In addition, he is obviously afraid that whatever he's feeling won't be adequately conveyed through his words, and tries to make up for this by relying on repetition and a distinctive [[BILLY MAYS|ALL CAPS]] style, which could be compared to many comic books and graphic novels. For similar reasons, he tends to Capitalize Words At Random, Especially nouns and those which hold Importance to the Sentence, or the ones that address Important Abstract Concepts that Chris tries to Systematically Understand on account of finding them too Complex and Mystifying.

{{quote|And the ONLY REASON I have not had sex yet in my lifetime WITH A WOMAN yet, is because the WHOLE TIME, I have been SHY; kept down with the Personal Fear of nearly EVERY Woman I see being Already Paired-Up with a Boyfriend.|Chris proving that he never proofreads. From the CWCipedia article on [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Homosexuality homosexuality].}}

Beyond these basic issues of grammar and capitalization, Chris's writings often lack focus. Much like any six-year-old with ADD, he has trouble concentrating on a single topic for extended periods of time, and he instead veers off topic in order to babble about [[Random Access Humor|whatever is on his mind]]. This practice of writing stream-of-consciousness style, combined with his obvious disinterest in proofreading or otherwise checking over what he's written, inevitably results in a large number of confusing run-on sentences. A single sentence might cover multiple topics, often ones that don't have anything to do with the original subject matter. It gives his writing a rambling, disjointed feeling, and makes it very difficult to understand exactly what his point is. Related is his overuse of semicolons, which are usually used to connect two clauses together without a conjunction, but Chris uses to crudely string together two tangentially-related thoughts into a barely coherent sentence. Chris even uses the semicolon in dialogue where it would normally be considered improper.

{{quote|...while the Movie Women are "Just Characters", [[Rosechu]] is playing as her own "Character" as well. Also, there is MORE THAN ONE Rosechu; Why do you think I've dubbed them respectively "[[Bubbles Rosechu]]", "[[Angelica Rosechu]]", and recently introduced, "[[Lolisa Rosechu]]", of whom her Boyfriend, "[[Jamsta Sonichu]]", was the one who Interviewed [[Blanca]] and her [[Jiggliami]] on Radio Station, [[KCWC]].|Chris, somehow jumping from [[White knight e-mails#September 2008 — Chris denies being fat and sexist|movies not being reality]] to his [[KCWC|imaginary radio station]].}}

It doesn't help that Chris feels it's his obligation to be "[[Honest Content|honest]]", which means that he feels the need to mention irrelevant little details, as anything less would not mean he's not telling the whole truth.

===Spelling===
[[Image:Schu7_Pg1_MeganEdit.JPG|thumb|right|Chris had a chance to correct this spelling mistake during a [[retcon]] of [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], but instead proved he can't spell for shit.]]

One will notice with all the "''sic''"'s scattered around the CWCki, that Chris has trouble with simple spelling. Despite all the other problems with Chris's writing, his poor spelling somehow manages to stand out. He regularly misspells words that should be easy to spell, such as "mies" ([[Sonichu 0|miles]]) and "dood" ([[Sonichu 7|good]]). He seems to have trouble with switching "eni"s for "ein"s, as in "[[seinor prom|seinor]]" (senior) and "geinus" ([[Sonichu 1|genius]]). Sometimes, he seems to spell words phonetically like a grade-school child learning how to read, such as "characiture" (caricature), rather than taking a few seconds to spell-check them in any of the dozens of programs available that would automatically correct his spelling. To put the icing on the cake, he writes "rest assured" as "[[Twitter#17_July_2010|rest-assured]]" as if it were a hyphenated phrase and not an imperative statement.

It was only relatively recently discovered that the term [[Anchuent Prophecy|"Anchuent"]] is supposed to be a pun, and not just another of Chris's random acts of butchery of the English language — or even a typo resulting from "u" and "i" being adjacent on the QWERTY keyboard. This largely goes to show that Chris's inability to spell correctly is so persistent that when he ''deliberately'' misspells something, it goes completely unnoticed for ''years''.

===Repetition===
Chris frequently repeats himself verbatim. This is most apparent in his [[Attraction Sign]] but has cropped up in numerous other places. He frequently describes his ideal girl as a "[[boyfriend-free girl]] to make into a [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]." This rather clunky phrasing is repeated in almost every iteration of the sign, both online and off. He asserts that his idea of "[[Dating Education|Date ed]]" sounds "[[Sonichu 9|dated]]" on several occasions, and has repeatedly blamed the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]] for his woes. This repetition is not limited to his written communication; for example, he has often described his [[Bob Chandler|father]] as "starting more arguments than flies in a garbage dump," most recently in his [[Father Call|phone conversation with Kacey's father]].

Clearly, something about these exact phrases causes Chris to reuse them over and over, verbatim, when describing the same problem in different conversations and contexts. It's tempting to just blame his [[autism]] for this repetition, which is likely a factor; however, much like his life in general, not all of his failures at communication can be laid at the door of his autism — other possibilities include that:
* Chris struggles to form sentences, and when he does so successfully, he tends to reuse what he knows is a working formula.
* Chris thinks his peculiar constructions are [[Random-access humor|funny]] and uses them to get a laugh, much like his [[Christian's sex joke|one joke]].
* Chris is so lazy that he literally copy/pastes text (or simply copies in the case of non-digital media) from his earlier screeds and manifestos into his new ones.
* Chris is simply so [[Things Chris has ripped off|terminally unimaginative]] that he cannot think of more than one way to express a given idea.
Given what we know about Chris, any or all of the above are possibilities. A large number of the phrases that are collectively known as "[[CWC-isms]]" follow the above pattern.

====Piecemeal language use====
Chris's phrase usage is a deep-seated issue, to the point that it's almost possible to imagine that he copies his phrases from ''somewhere'', even when he hasn't used the phrase previously. People usually learn idioms from other people when they hear them in an appropriate context, but though Chris may experience such a context, he has problems fully understanding the meaning of the phrase. Like most of us, he has obviously learned some phrases from the world around him, and he ''sort-of'' understands what they mean and ''sort of'' uses them in correct context. Despite this, it's as if he just learned the phrases, and, like some foreign English student, is making the first awkward steps towards using them properly. Unlike those curious foreigners, however, Chris isn't worried about getting punched in the face by the natives for abusing beloved idioms.

To an outside observer, many of Chris's phrases almost always appear out of place and tacked-on. This can manifest itself in even very small examples, such as in the video title "[[New Address]]"; the video isn't about any sort of an address change, as the phrase was intended to imply, but rather is an ''address'' to a specific individual, and is ''newly released''. It is akin to a foreigner opening a phrase book, finding the entry "New Address", and saying "OK, that's probably close enough - it's got 'new' and 'address' in it."

For a more blatant example, in the [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails]], Chris continually demands "Legal, Unmark[ed], Non-consecutive" bills to be mailed to him. He probably thinks it's the sort of thing people ''generally'' say when they want cash mailed to them, without realizing that he has picked this expression up from crime fiction where that kind of phrase is said as part of a ransom demand.<ref>See, for example, the note in ''The Big Lebowski'': "WE HAVE BUNNY. GATHER ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED NON-CONSECUTIVE TWENTIES. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS. NO FUNNY STUFF."</ref>

==Semantics==
As demonstrated in CWC-isms above, Chris has severe problems understanding the meanings of words (he described the word "benevolent" as sounding "derogatory"<ref>[[Mailbag 5|Mailbag #5]]</ref> — he might have mixed it up with "belligerent", which means "war-like"), and just about anything even marginally abstract or metaphorical.

===Muddled-up Proverbs===
A good demonstration of Chris's lack of understanding of semantics is the fact that he doesn't really understand proverbs and adages; he frequently recites them incorrectly, clearly misses the point, or [[Autism|takes them literally]]. When he comes up with his own, he doesn't exactly try to veil any wisdom in carefully crafted phrases.

Examples of Chrisverbial Wisdom:

* "Those who are unable to, teach."<ref>[[Mumble 4|Mumble #4]]</ref>
* "The shaped OBJECT is the BODY of the Item, but the STICKER is the Item's SOUL."<ref>[[Download For Play Only]]</ref>
* "A sound thought is a good thought, unless it is a bad idea."<ref>[[CWCipedia]]</ref>
* "The pen is mightier than the sword, yet it is more permanent than a pencil."<ref>[[CWCipedia]]</ref>

The last example illustrates several problems: "The pen is mightier than the sword" (a phrase originally coined by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the man who also coined the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night") is, of course, generally regarded as a statement that words can have bigger consequences than violence. Chris doesn't understand this, and tries to somehow interpret this concretely: "pen is more permanent than a pencil." It is also problematic because normally, "A, yet B" is usually a statement by ''contrasts'': "A may be true, but a contrary example B is true as well." Still, Chris fails at explaining why it's so important that pens are more permanent than pencils, and what that has to do with pens and their relative might vis-a-vis swords — the meaning of Chris's proverb remains unclear. He cannot even create simple proverbs like
* "One who has his dick in the peanut butter jar is fucking nuts."

===Literal Interpretation===
Chris is unable to interpret the language other people use at any level other than its literal, surface meaning. He misses the deeper meanings of what others are trying to say to him, and cannot interpret abstract thought or sarcasm. This is known as concrete thought, which can be seen as a symptom of autism.

====Rhetorical comparisons and sarcasm====
Chris cannot interpret rhetorical comparisons. He ignores the point the speaker is trying to make and focuses on the 'exact' meaning of the phrases they use. Examples:<ref>[[Father Call]]</ref>

: '''Kacey's Father:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.
: '''Chris:''' Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!
: …
: '''Kacey's Father:''' I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a Windows is.
: '''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?
: '''Kacey's Father:''' Don't… Don't patronize me.
: '''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?
: '''Kacey's Father:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that.

In the first example, Chris clearly only hears "You[…] stuff candy down your throat" and interprets the negative tone as an accusation that this is a bad thing, then tries to prove that he does not, in fact, stuff ''candy'' down his throat — just good stuff like vegetables. Because he's threatened, he forgets that this is used as a ''rhetorical comparison'', and thus the original point that the Dad here was trying to make gets lost in sands of time. This is also one of the reasons why conversations with Chris sometimes branch out, lead nowhere, and cause frustration and tears (and tears of mirth for everyone but the two people who are conversing at the time).

As the quote read in [[04232010 - Autism Awareness & Men Should NEVER be Topless|Autism Awareness]] video says, autistic people are frequently unable to interpret sarcasm; this is no exception for Chris, who has often been unable to pick up sarcastic comments.

====Questions and suggestions====
Chris's literal interpretation also affects how he answers questions and follows orders or suggestions. He fails to elaborate any of his answers, and cannot distinguish the implied meanings within the commands and suggestions given to him from their literal meanings. For example:<ref>[[Mailbag 2#In-depth answers|Mailbag #2]]</ref>

: '''Q:''' Do you listen to any music while you draw the comics?
: '''A:''' Yes.

To a normal person, the question that was posed would be interpreted along the lines of "What kind of music — what bands, what musical genres — do you listen while you draw the comics, assuming you listen music at all while drawing the comics? If you listen to the music, why does this particular music help you draw things? If not, do you find music distracting, and why?" but instead, Chris interpreted "Do you listen to any music?" literally as a question that can be answered "yes" or "no". Simply put, he is unable to see ''why'' people are asking specific questions that can be answered yes or no, and unable to elaborate or give rationales for his opinions unless those things are ''specifically'' asked from him. Again, this characteristic is due to his autism, not, as is often perceived, his stupidity.

Another example:<ref>[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8|Alec Benson Leary Phone Call #8]]</ref>
: '''Alec:''' Please stop running away from me.
: '''Chris:''' I'm not running away from you, I'm right here.

This was in response to Chris trying to end the call after an inconvenient discussion.

This also is likely to blame for Chris's second encounter with [[B-Manajerk]]. The previous day, the manager of the [[Wal-Mart]] had banned him from the store. Problem is, they were inside a [[McDonald's]] at the time, and he likely said something along the lines of "Never come to this store again." Chris took this to mean "You are banned from this specific store, the one you and I are standing in right now," and due to this misunderstanding he wound up being chased out of the Wal-Mart.

===Television jargon===
In the ''Sonichu'' comic, Chris also almost consistently uses television terminology instead of comics terminology. This seems to seep into his other language use, too — he urges people to "stay tuned" to see new developments in his [[YouTube]] channel, for example. This may seem innocuous at first, as regular people might use "stay tuned" in non-TV situations (and for cable/satellite TV stations, which do not have a transmission frequency), but in Chris's case, this may be an indication of a bigger issue. Chris refers to himself as "Great Director Chandler"<ref>[[Mailbag 34#...Well, this is disturbing!|Mailbag #34, to Evan]]</ref> (itself a ripoff of [[Excel Saga|Great Director Watanabe]]) and calls alternate versions of his comics "director's cuts".<ref>[[Quizzes#Sonichu Quiz 2|''Sonichu'' Quiz #2]]</ref> [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] begins with "Previously..." type of recap of the end of the previous comic. When talking about the comic, he consistently refers to "episodes" rather than chapters. He has used "TV-MA/TV-14/TV-Y7" ratings for certain scenes<ref>[[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]]</ref> and, when this self-imposed rating system later failed to work, he blamed FCC for the messed-up ratings,<ref>[[Mailbag 51#The recent explosion of pornography in TV-Y7 cartoons is not Chris's fault|Mailbag #51]]</ref> even though FCC has no authority over web or print media. He promised a second "season" of the comic — apparently a "reboot" will commence with a "clip show episode" in [[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]].<ref>[[Mailbag 51#A reboot is scheduled|Mailbag #51]]</ref> It is as if he's familiar with only one set of jargon that he then applies to all similar situations, ignoring the fact that most people speak of "comic writers" instead of "directors", "chapters" instead of "episodes", "volumes" instead of "seasons", rate their comics with some rating system that is probably similar to, but not an ''exact duplicate'' of the one used in television — and so on.

It is speculated that the use of jargon stems not from a limited vocabulary, but from Chris's belief that he is [[Chris and reality|actually directing a TV show.]]<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu Sonichu] on CWCipedia. "''For the sake of the Comic Pages, the marriage has been keep discreet during drawing, coloring and filimg[''sic''].''"</ref> More damningly, he once referred to the comics as an "anime", with himself as director.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_3/Page_9 Issue #3 Page 9]</ref>

===Other strange points===
Chris seems to cling to trademarks. In [[Mailbag 10|Mailbag #10]], for example, he specifically says a couple of times that he has saved material on his Memory Stick and Memory Stick Duo. Not "saved on memory card" or just "saved"; people generally don't care ''what'' you save your fanart on, as long as it's saved. Chris, however, wants to be specific: the fan material was saved on a Memory Stick Duo. In the exact same vein, in [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails]], he even swears with "hand on My Holy New International Version Bible right now," rather than just on ''any'' old Bible he might have had lying around. This can be explained, again, by Chris's [[autism]], where he is literally describing the specific device that he is using to save, not a generalization.

Chris seems to prefer referring to people using their full names; he almost always refers to himself as "Christian Weston Chandler" or, God forbid, "'Christopher' Christian 'Ricardo' Weston Chandler"— if he's feeling overly formal. This applies to other people, too; for example, in [[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts (CWCipedia page)|Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts]], he refers to most of the women by their full names. This is yet another autism-related trait.

==Spoken language==
[[Image:Choicevideos.PNG|thumb|300px|Chris's spoken vocabulary.]]
Chris comes off slightly better when speaking, but that's really not saying much. When he addresses the world in one of his many videos, his speech is peppered with vocalized pauses such as "uhh", "hmmm", and "yeah" as he struggles to find the right thing to say. He also tends to stutter and repeat himself.

{{quote|They should have given it perfect- they should have given it five out of five stars... and ten out of ten. Between G4... tee, uh, between G4 and, uh, the [[Wikipedia:Game Informer|Game Informer]].|Chris attempting to convince people that [[Brutal Legend Plus|''Brutal Legend'']] is worthy of a perfect score.}}

Chris does a better job staying on-topic when speaking than he does while writing, likely because when speaking to a camera or another person, he has a clearer idea of the point he wants to get across. Going off on rambling tangents still occasionally happens, but usually only when Chris is trying to be funny.

{{quote|...even to make his own ass bleed. I mean, that story, it's just about as incredibly fabricated as Donna Tubb's time over at when she had to borrow [[Wikipedia:R. Kelly|R. Kelly]]'s bathroom... [[The Cleveland Show]], new episodes Sun- every Sunday on FOX.|Chris [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 15th, 2009|confusing humor with advertising.]]}}

While Chris seems to be at least capable of coherent conversation while calm, things go downhill when he's [[Stress|upset]], [[Chris and Anger|enraged]], or [[Autism|confused]]. In particular, his tendency to throw childlike temper tantrums has resulted in some very bizarre outbursts. When angry, Chris still retains his tendency to go off on tangents and be very proper about compulsively giving all of the [[Honest Content|relevant information]], which means that he's often unable to sum his anger up in just a few succinct words.

{{quote|...SO GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN FUCKING SKULL AND CALL ME A REAL NAME THAT have God has been given to me and the bear at Regency Square Shopping center, during 1989, YOU DAMN MOCKING BASTARD!|Chris [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|inserting random details into a hissy fit.]]}}

Interestingly, comparisons of his vocal patterns offer one of the few signs of actual development that Chris has ever displayed. Consider his earliest videos; his speech was courtly and disjointed, and delivered almost exclusively in short, monotonous bursts:

<center>{{#ev:youtube|xkVhGLz8MKM}}</center>

There are exceptions to this, but these generally consisted of [[List of phrases Chris copied from media|short phrases apparently culled from TV]] (note the change in pitch in the above video when Chris describes himself as "ever so lonesome"). All in all, Chris displayed all the attributes one would expect from an autistic, as well as from someone who is completely unused to talking to people.

Comparisons with the present day show a marked change in Chris's manner of speech:

<center>{{#ev:youtube|akekECv9XCQ}}</center>

Chris may not sound any more naturalistic, but he does show more of a semantic range than he did two years ago. Clues as to why this has occurred can be found in the subject matter of the videos — Chris perhaps now has realized to some extent that he must engage with people on their terms in order to be taken seriously. While this may not be a massive change, it is still heartening to see that the trolling is stirring the emaciated hulk of his dignity into some sort of creaking action. Who knows? In another two years he may have acquired the vocal skills of a child of kindergarten age.

===Idiosyncrasies===
Chris also has a number of idiosyncrasies which appear frequently in his speech. First, the aforementioned disjointed speech patterns, which are broken up by a number of ideological phrases, which crop up with varying regularity but which sound very similar every time he uses them. Listen closely to the way he introduces himself; he is "Chrishinwessonchanler. From Ruckersville Vir-''gin''-ya." Whenever Chris introduces himself, he basically repeats this exact phonetic pattern, including pauses, the rushed and garbled name, and the staccato rhythm of "Virginia". This is of course explainable by his [[autism]], but it is also related to his [[Random Access Humor|sense of humor]], his [[parody|plagiarism]], and his desire for control over those whom he sees as oppressors.

It may also be related to the less often seen idiosyncrasy which causes him to express disgust with a word physically. For example, in the famous [[SingStar Challenge Round 5|"Smell Yo Duck"]] music video, Chris first avoided saying the word "dick" altogether, and when forced to repeat the video, showed signs of distress bordering on illness. While this is obviously an exaggeration of Chris's feelings, it is notable that he should feel any particular sensation about simple words whatsoever. This reaction raises the possibility that, so long as he is not faking it altogether, Chris may be a [[Wikipedia:Synesthesia|synaesthete]]. There's also the possibility that he has a strong association with a certain word and associates guilt with it, like a child hearing a curse word. Alternatively, it is not stating the ''word'' that is disgusting to Chris, but rather the ''substance'' of the phrase, as it implies that ''he himself'' is [[homos|"smelling someone's dick"]]. Despite this, Chris has no problem hurling curse words (including "dick") at his enemies when in a [[Chris and anger|fit of rage]].

==Chris and profanity==
: ''See also: [[Chris and censorship]]''

At some point in the 2000s, Chris became an enthusiastic user of profanity and vulgar language. According to [[Mimms]], in his early days at [[The GAMe PLACe]] Chris avoided cursing, at least in public, but in more recent years he's lost almost all compunctions in this regard. His videos, blogs, and public pronouncements are full of foul language and obscene references. This is possibly to seem more "adult".

He still holds back in some ways, though. In much of his writing, especially in his comics and on the [[CWCipedia]], Chris shows a strange inclination to censor himself. He regularly uses profanity in his blog entries and Mailbag responses, but the offending words are typically blotted out with asterisks: "D*** that Son Of A B****, Clyde Cash,"<ref>[[CWC Blog]], December 2009</ref> for instance, or "BUGS BUNNY WAS NAKED; YOGI BEAR WAS NAKED; WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?"<ref>[[Mailbag 39|Mailbag #39]]</ref> (On occasions he varies up his censorship style. [[CWC's Diary]] repeatedly refers to [[Mary Lee Walsh]] as an "XXXXX"; the Xes are clearly meant to stand in for "bitch".) Even relatively mild words such as "damn" and "crap" get the same treatment, which was exploited to hilarious effect in the [[audiobooks]].

It could be that Chris believes that most of the CWCipedia's audience is comparatively young, and therefore censors his outbursts to protect his imagined fanbase. Another, more complex theory proposes that it's a sign of Chris's stunted maturity level — he wants to use profanity to signify that he's an adult, but he retains a child's guilt and uncertainty about swearing. (The same theory is often floated regarding [http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Daveykins David Gonterman], another angry Internet cartoonist with an incongruous tendency to censor himself.)

==See also==
* [[Speech Impediment]]
* [[Chris's resume]]
* [[The High School Story]]
* [[Chris and writing]]
* [[Spanish]]
* Anything written on [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Main_Page CWCipedia]

==Sauces==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

Chris and music

2011-07-27T14:01:01Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:CWCRockin4Way.jpg|thumb|This is obviously what music is all about.]]

When it comes to '''music''', [[Chris]]'s taste is eclectic, confusing, and awe-inspring. His favorite acts range from generic, early-2000's bubblegum pop to generic rock. Pretty much everything Chris says he's a fan of comes from ''[[Guitar Hero]]'', his parents' record collection, or shit he's heard from television and film. Even then, Chris can't remember lyrics, melodies, and even [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero|the instruments used]] in his favorite songs.

==Musical tastes==
Chris has often cited that he likes "All popular music." While it's possible that he's just giving that answer to appear cool and easygoing, he really does seem to try to listen to whatever popular opinion tells him is good. Almost every song on either of his two horrible albums was a top 40 hit at one point or another. Additionally, in a few of his [[Mumble]] chats, Chris left his radio on for the whole conversation. This means that he both enjoys the background music, and that he's totally inconsiderate to the other people in the chat.

Chris's favorite radio station is [[Wikipedia:WQMZ|Lite Rock Z95.1]] from [[Charlottesville]], which plays incredibly bland and inoffensive pop music (i.e. what you hear in a doctor's office or a store too cheap to afford Muzak). The station bills its offerings as "today's hits and yesterday's favorites, music for women."<ref>[http://www.z95.net Z95.1 homepage]</ref> Chris listens to the [[John Tesh]] radio show on 95.1, and once won a set of tickets to a [[100 2178|sporting event]] through a call-in contest.

The only artist Chris seems to really idolize is [[Britney Spears]]. There is virtually no doubt that this is more because she's hot than because he appreciates her (alleged) musical talent. In his date with [[Emily]], he claims to like Louis Armstrong, but he's never mentioned the man since, so it was probably just an effort to look like a [[Bob|sophisticated jazz-listener]].

If his Rhapsody account (seen below) is any indication, almost everything Chris listens to has been in a ''Guitar Hero'' or [[Sonic]] game. This adds yet more [[Fat|weight]] to the theory that Chris is spoon-fed pop culture from [[PS3| video games]] and ''[[Family Guy]]''.

Also, keeping with the theme of liking things that most people his age are unaware of (such as the lesser-known ''[[Ghostbusters]]'' series or ''[[American Rabbit]]'') or would not enjoy (such as ''[[Red Skelton]]'', ''[[I Love Lucy]]'' or ''[[Thurston Howell III|Gilligan's Island]]''), Chris has twice referenced [[Wikipedia:Billy Joel|Billy Joel]]'s 1985 track "[[Wikipedia:You're Only Human (Second Wind)|You're Only Human (Second Wind)]]," an extremely dated, upbeat mid-'80s pop song written specifically to stop teenagers from [[Ryan Cash|killing themselves]]. To date, Chris has referenced the song in a [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 28th, 2009|YouTube video]] where he says [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shitting your pants]] from [[stress]] isn't a big deal, and again when [[Mailbag 6|asked]] by a fan whether he'd ever had thoughts of suicide. Chris replied, with no elaboration, that he had [[Lie|"a lot to live for"]] and told the fan to go listen to the song.

Chris has also expressed a fondness for the [[Wikipedia:Insane Clown Posse|Insane Clown Posse]], releasing two videos ([[Hello, Juffalo]] and [[JuggaloShoutOut]]) in which he paints his face and talks about being a [[Wikipedia:Juggalo|Juggalo]]. Since fans of ICP are usually idiotic, [[Chris and Health|out-of-shape]], [[Ruckersville, VA|white-trash]] dumbasses who believe themselves to be outcasts of society, it is easy to understand why becoming a Juggalo would appeal to Chris.

==YouTube background music==
Towards the fall of 2009, Chris began to include popular songs as background music in a number of his [[YouTube]] videos. Some videos, such as [[SHE IS MINE NOW]], featured [[Wikipedia:Aerosmith|Aerosmith]] in the background, possibly in a sad attempt to appear intimidating and hardcore. For [[30 Push-Ups|videos]] showing off his [[I AM STRONG|athletic prowess]], Chris favored "[[Wikipedia:Eye of the Tiger|Eye of the Tiger]]" by Survivor. In light of Chris's virulent hatred of [[homos]], this is a somewhat ironic choice, given the extraordinarily homoerotic overtones of both the training sequences in ''Rocky III'' and Survivor's own music video for the song. For [[For Kacey from CWC|videos]] intended to express his heartfelt love for [[Kacey]], Chris employed REO Speedwagon's power ballad "Can't Fight This Feeling."

==Singing==

{{Quote|...and when singing I can have a Frank Sinatra or Bing Crosby flavor.|Chris, [[Sonichu Girls#Introduction|being sadly mistaken]].}}

[[Image:CWCGUITARHERO.jpg|thumb|right|"You've seen life through distorted eyes,
 You know you had to learn,
 The execution of your mind,
 You really had to turn"]]

It is impossible to overstate how terrible of a singer Chris is. It's also impossible to overstate [[Chris and reality|how deluded Chris is]] about his ability to sing. He's so deluded, in fact, when trying to confront [[Liquid]] via artistic competition, he created the [[SingStar Challenge]], and lost spectacularly.

Despite claiming to have a "deep bass voice", Chris's voice is unusually high-pitched, and often louder than appropriate. He also tends to speak in an [[Autism|odd, emotionless monotone]]. These issues with his voice become even more obvious when he tries to sing. In both his [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]] albums, he doesn't actually "sing" so much as desperately yell over the track in an attempt to drown out the actual words of the song (as he never bothers to look up karaoke/instrumental only versions of anything he sings). This is painfully obvious when he attempts to sing [[Sonichu's Zip]], a song that uses "Sonic Drive," the ''Japanese'' theme song of the anime ''[[Sonic]] X'', where the entire song devolves into screaming gibberish. When he does try to actually vary his voice away from the standard monotone, it becomes very obvious that Chris is almost completely tone-deaf. His [[Speech Impediment|voice goes up and down]] with little regard to the background music, or even the original artist he's shouting over. He barely manages to carry a tune on [[I Got A Fish]], though. If Chris could sing at all, his voice type would be at best a [[wikipedia:Spieltenor|spieltenor]] (used for comical roles) pushing towards [[wikipedia:countertenor|countertenor]]/[[wikipedia:castrato|castrato]], and completely outside the bass range that he deludes himself into thinking he has.

Chris also has a lot of trouble with timing. While the songs he's written usually do a pretty good job matching the originals, Chris often falls behind or rushes ahead of the music he's chosen. This could probably be avoided if he took the time to practice, but practice would be work, and work is something Chris just doesn't do. Because of this, he's terrible at remembering the actual words to the song he's singing. The only part he tends to know is the chorus of the song, likely because of the repetition and that it's the only part of the song he actually pays attention to. This doesn't stop him from attempting to make up his own lyrics, although most of the time this just him mumbling incoherent nonsense before pausing to wait for the chorus to repeat. The look of dull panic on his face is priceless.

===A capella===
In the [[Official Videobooks]], Chris will occasionally break out into ''a capella'' renditions of what we can only assume is supposed to be Sonichu's theme music. These bizarre freestyle musical interludes drive home exactly how childish Chris is. There's something uniquely terrifying about a 28 year old man (who looks like he's 45) showing us his Sonic/Pokémon crossover and shouting "dun dun dun." Chris also occasionally does this in his normal videos. He also performed a poor rendition of "The Final Countdown" while showing us that he can still [[Clyde is Weaker than Water|pick up a chair]].

Despite his frequent use of this vocal technique, Chris clearly doesn't understand the full meaning of the word. During the [[PaRappa the Rapper Contest]], a frequent source of [[rage]] from Chris was the "music" in the background of [[Adam Stackhouse]]'s video. However, since the music was simple beatboxing, it would be considered ''a capella'' by most.

===Rap===
With the success of artists like [[Wikipedia:Eminem|Eminem]] and [[Wikipedia:Jedi Mind Tricks|Jedi Mind Tricks]], plus the odd continued existence of [[Wikipedia:Nerdcore|nerdcore]], white guys rapping on [[YouTube]] is not unheard of. [[CChanSonichuCWC|Some of these individuals]] demonstrate impressive [[SHE IS MINE NOW#MC CWC responds|talent]] in their ability to flow on a beat. Christian is not among them.

Of course, his most notable foray into rap is his entry for the PaRappa Contest. While his motivations and the drama it caused are covered extensively in that article, the video itself is characterized by a complete lack of rhythm or flow. The result sounds sort of like a Muppet slurring his words together and randomly shouting.

Before he starts the song in earnest, Chris does a little bit of freestyling in the beginning. Needless to say, it's not promising:

{{Quote|I have a [[PSP]] and she don't/So give me the PSP, unwrap the wrapper/So I can give one to her, and then we can play together!|Chris, almost rhyming.}}

This was nothing compared to a [[Re to Chris No 2 - SHE IS MINE NOW#Video|later foray]] into the genre. Playing Aerosmith in the background instead of a breakbeat, Chris basically just shouts a lot of random short sentences with no regard as to how they flow, or if they even rhyme at all.

{{Quote|You just a dang dummy!/And you still chicken, you's a dang coward!/You wanna come fight me/Come fight me in person/Come out from behind the camera you fool|Chris, "rapping"}}

In [[December 2009]], Chris would [[Hello, Juffalo|rap once again]] to Insane Clown Posse side project [[Wikipedia:Dark Lotus|Dark Lotus]]. As usual, he made no attempt to learn the lyrics and appears to be reading them off a piece of paper with inappropriate affect. During a portion of the video he mumbles to himself, rocking back and forth and fondling his ample breasts not once, but twice. He also refers to himself as a [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Juffalo ''Juffalo''], a term apparently used by Insane Clown Posse aficionados to describe the noncommittal poseurs who aren't good enough to fully appreciate the world of clown-related rap.

Two days prior to this he made another [[IPods Down and Listen Up|awful freestyle rap]]. The point of this is unclear, although he apparently visited a doctor, who suggested that he take over-the-counter vitamins. He likens the effects of these vitamins to Viagra, and then compares himself to a tiger who would rape a panther to produce tiger-panther cubs. Yeah...

==Instruments==

[[Image:CWCGitarPlaying2.jpg|thumb|**clickclickclick**. It's like I'm playing real guitar, y'all!]]

[[Image:295.jpg|thumb|The [only] other musical instrument Chris is good at.]]

{{quote|I would play my ax on the Wii; getting the high scores, scored better, real play for my benefit. | [[Blanca]], acting as a proxy for Chris to espouse his flawed beliefs on music}}

Chris seems to have a very tenuous grasp on what constitutes a musical instrument. Notably, in several videos, Chris tends to treat his [[Gitar of Fail]] like it's a real instrument. This seems outright foolish, even for Chris, until you consider his mindset. All of Chris's [[Sonichu|"creations"]] are copies of other things, yet are still [[Chris and Copyright|somehow completely original.]] So by "playing" someone else's song on ''Guitar Hero'', his autistic mindset dictates that he is actually playing the song. Go ahead and try to wrap your head around this doublethink.

As further proof of his madness, Chris equated Liquid's actual musical skill to him playing ''Guitar Hero'', to such a degree that he felt it necessary to outlaw both in the [[SingStar Challenge]].

{{quote|I got the idea of the challenge from him COPYING me playing Boston's "More Than A Feeling" on Guitar Hero on his old Wooden Nickel; if he wants to copy on Guitar, he may as well be challenged in a Sing-Off.|Chris, [[Katie Bay E-mails 3|blowing the minds of guitarists of all talent levels]]}}

{{quote|-NO MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS, real or Guitar Hero/Rock Band/Rock Revolution, etc is to be visible in ANY VIDEO.| Chris, inspiring the hatred of people who like music everywhere}}

It is also telling that not only does Chris lack any sense of pitch in singing, but with melodies in general. This is evidenced in the [[The_24th_Wedding_Anniversary_Special#Part_1|Wedding Anniversary Special]], where he claims to be playing the original theme to [[Sonic the Hedgehog]], but ends up with some wildly unrecognizable tune that only vaguely resembles the Sonic theme rhythmically. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Chris is actually tone-deaf, instead of simply lacking in vocal skills. This may be a symptom of autism, as subtleties in tone and intonation indicating emotional and social cues are beyond his grasp.

==Recording tech==
Chris's idea of accompaniment is putting the original song playing on the background using his [[PS3]] and the near-$1,000 [[Sony]] LCD HDTV, and the most expensive speakers his [[monthly tugboat|boat]] could tug in, while he sings with his unique voice. The singing, of course, is dutifully recorded with the long-suffering [[PSEye]] camera. The implications are staggering:

* There's always a huge quality loss when music is played on speaker and then re-recorded from a distance, because the acoustics of the room distort the sound and the air itself blocks low and high frequencies, leaving you with only a distorted fraction of the original sound. Chris, of course, believes that everything he does is perfect on the first try and never has to be redone, just like his art.

* The original lyrics are still on the song. At least on one occasion, Chris even screwed up harder than this, and got a cover of "Never Gonna Give You Up" from ''Family Guy'', clobbered by dialogue and other sounds.<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate September 24th, 2008]]</ref> While lyrics often can't always be removed from a mixed song entirely, it's at least worth a shot trying lyrics removal software. Or, it might pay to look for an instrumental version or an instrumental cover. (For example, [[wikipedia:Ed Starink|Ed Starink]] made a crapton of decent-to-awesome synthesizer covers of pop songs. ''Yes, even "Never Gonna Give You Up." I'm not kidding, he really did.'')

* When you have one go and one microphone to record everything, there's no way to correct the errors if you flub anything. The result is obviously perfect... who are we kidding?

Chris is, of course, unaware of the incredible leaps and bounds that music recording has advanced in recent years, and hasn't noticed that there are plenty of good multitrack sound editors available for free. Many come with lyrics removal plugins.

Chris also demands this sort of weird screwy setup from ''others''; one might assume, for example, that the Brown-Striped One, with actual musical talent, would have more technical know-how on how to record music properly, but the SingStar Challenge was done on Chris's strange terms.

==Sauces==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys (band)]]
*[[Gitar of Fail]]
*''[[Guitar Hero]]''
*[[List of Chris's Rhapsody.com downloads]]

==External links==
* [http://www.mediafire.com/?j3wnmyzctwn A list of Chris's MyCokeRewards Rhapsody purchases] (Note that those within "index[[Clyde Cash|GREGG]]bought.html" were, obviously, purchased by trolls who had hijacked the account.)

{{Chris and}}

Chris and music

2011-07-27T14:00:33Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:CWCRockin4Way.jpg|thumb|This is obviously what music is all about.]]

When it comes to '''music''', [[Chris]]'s taste is eclectic, confusing, and awe-inspring. His favorite acts range from generic, early-2000's bubblegum pop to generic rock. Pretty much everything Chris says he's a fan of comes from ''[[Guitar Hero]]'', his parents' record collection, or shit he's heard from television and film. Even then, Chris can't remember lyrics, melodies, and even [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero|the instruments used]] in his favorite songs.

==Musical tastes==
Chris has often cited that he likes "All popular music." While it's possible that he's just giving that answer to appear cool and easygoing, he really does seem to try to listen to whatever popular opinion tells him is good. Almost every song on either of his two horrible albums was a top 40 hit at one point or another. Additionally, in a few of his [[Mumble]] chats, Chris left his radio on for the whole conversation. This means that he both enjoys the background music, and that he's totally inconsiderate to the other people in the chat.

Chris's favorite radio station is [[Wikipedia:WQMZ|Lite Rock Z95.1]] from [[Charlottesville]], which plays incredibly bland and inoffensive pop music (i.e. what you hear in a doctor's office or a store too cheap to afford Muzak). The station bills its offerings as "today's hits and yesterday's favorites, music for women."<ref>[http://www.z95.net Z95.1 homepage]</ref> Chris listens to the [[John Tesh]] radio show on 95.1, and once won a set of tickets to a [[100 2178|sporting event]] through a call-in contest.

The only artist Chris seems to really idolize is [[Britney Spears]]. There is virtually no doubt that this is more because she's hot than because he appreciates her (alleged) musical talent. In his date with [[Emily]], he claims to like Louis Armstrong, but he's never mentioned the man since, so it was probably just an effort to look like a [[Bob|sophisticated jazz-listener]].

If his Rhapsody account (seen below) is any indication, almost everything Chris listens to has been in a ''Guitar Hero'' or [[Sonic]] game. This adds yet more [[Fat|weight]] to the theory that Chris is spoon-fed pop culture from [[PS3| video games]] and ''[[Family Guy]]''.

Also, keeping with the theme of liking things that most people his age are unaware of (such as the lesser-known ''[[Ghostbusters]]'' series or ''[[American Rabbit]]'') or would not enjoy (such as ''[[Red Skelton]]'', ''[[I Love Lucy]]'' or ''[[Thurston Howell III|Gilligan's Island]]''), Chris has twice referenced [[Wikipedia:Billy Joel|Billy Joel]]'s 1985 track "[[Wikipedia:You're Only Human (Second Wind)|You're Only Human (Second Wind)]]," an extremely dated, upbeat mid-'80s pop song written specifically to stop teenagers from [[Ryan Cash|killing themselves]]. To date, Chris has referenced the song in a [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 28th, 2009|YouTube video]] where he says [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shitting your pants]] from [[stress]] isn't a big deal, and again when [[Mailbag 6|asked]] by a fan whether he'd ever had thoughts of suicide. Chris replied, with no elaboration, that he had [[Lie|"a lot to live for"]] and told the fan to go listen to the song.

Chris has also expressed a fondness for the [[Wikipedia:Insane Clown Posse|Insane Clown Posse]], releasing two videos ([[Hello, Juffalo]] and [[JuggaloShoutOut]]) in which he paints his face and talks about being a [[Wikipedia:Juggalo|Juggalo]]. Since fans of ICP are usually idiotic, [[Chris and Health|out-of-shape]], [[Ruckersville, VA|white-trash]] dumbasses who believe themselves to be outcasts of society, it is easy to understand why becoming a Juggalo would appeal to Chris.

==YouTube background music==
Towards the fall of 2009, Chris began to include popular songs as background music in a number of his [[YouTube]] videos. Some videos, such as [[SHE IS MINE NOW]], featured [[Wikipedia:Aerosmith|Aerosmith]] in the background, possibly in a sad attempt to appear intimidating and hardcore. For [[30 Push-Ups|videos]] showing off his [[I AM STRONG|athletic prowess]], Chris favored "[[Wikipedia:Eye of the Tiger|Eye of the Tiger]]" by Survivor. In light of Chris's virulent hatred of [[homos]], this is a somewhat ironic choice, given the extraordinarily homoerotic overtones of both the training sequences in ''Rocky III'' and Survivor's own music video for the song. For [[For Kacey from CWC|videos]] intended to express his heartfelt love for [[Kacey]], Chris employed REO Speedwagon's power ballad "Can't Fight This Feeling."

==Singing==

{{Quote|...and when singing I can have a Frank Sinatra or Bing Crosby flavor.|Chris, [[Sonichu Girls#Introduction|being sadly mistaken]].}}

[[Image:CWCGUITARHERO.jpg|thumb|right|"You've seen life through distorted eyes,
 You know you had to learn,
 The execution of your mind,
 You really had to turn"]]

It is impossible to overstate how terrible of a singer Chris is. It's also impossible to overstate [[Chris and reality|how deluded Chris is]] about his ability to sing. He's so deluded, in fact, when trying to confront [[Liquid]] via artistic competition, he created the [[SingStar Challenge]], and lost spectacularly.

Despite claiming to have a "deep bass voice", Chris's voice is unusually high-pitched, and often louder than appropriate. He also tends to speak in an [[Autism|odd, emotionless monotone]]. These issues with his voice become even more obvious when he tries to sing. In both his [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]] albums, he doesn't actually "sing" so much as desperately yell over the track in an attempt to drown out the actual words of the song (as he never bothers to look up karaoke/instrumental only versions of anything he sings). This is painfully obvious when he attempts to sing [[Sonichu's Zip]], a song that uses "Sonic Drive," the ''Japanese'' theme song of the anime ''[[Sonic]] X'', where the entire song devolves into screaming gibberish. When he does try to actually vary his voice away from the standard monotone, it becomes very obvious that Chris is almost completely tone-deaf. His [[Speech Impediment|voice goes up and down]] with little regard to the background music, or even the original artist he's shouting over. He barely manages to carry a tune on [[I Got A Fish]], though. If Chris could sing at all, his voice type would be at best a [[wikipedia:Spieltenor|spieltenor]] (used for comical roles) pushing towards [[wikipedia:countertenor|countertenor]]/[[wikipedia:castrato|castrato]], and completely outside the bass range that he deludes himself into thinking he has.

Chris also has a lot of trouble with timing. While the songs he's written usually do a pretty good job matching the originals, Chris often falls behind or rushes ahead of the music he's chosen. This could probably be avoided if he took the time to practice, but practice would be work, and work is something Chris just doesn't do. Because of this, he's terrible at remembering the actual words to the song he's singing. The only part he tends to know is the chorus of the song, likely because of the repetition and that it's the only part of the song he actually pays attention to. This doesn't stop him from attempting to make up his own lyrics, although most of the time this just him mumbling incoherent nonsense before pausing to wait for the chorus to repeat. The look of dull panic on his face is priceless.

===A capella===
In the [[Official Videobooks]], Chris will occasionally break out into ''a capella'' renditions of what we can only assume is supposed to be Sonichu's theme music. These bizarre freestyle musical interludes drive home exactly how childish Chris is. There's something uniquely terrifying about a 28 year old man (who looks like he's 45) showing us his Sonic/Pokémon crossover and shouting "dun dun dun." Chris also occasionally does this in his normal videos. He also performed a poor rendition of "The Final Countdown" while showing us that he can still [[Clyde is Weaker than Water|pick up a chair]].

Despite his frequent use of this vocal technique, Chris clearly doesn't understand the full meaning of the word. During the [[PaRappa the Rapper Contest]], a frequent source of [[rage]] from Chris was the "music" in the background of [[Adam Stackhouse]]'s video. However, since the music was simple beatboxing, it would be considered ''a capella'' by most.

===Rap===
With the success of artists like [[Wikipedia:Eminem|Eminem]] and [[Wikipedia:Jedi Mind Tricks|Jedi Mind Tricks]], plus the odd continued existence of [[Wikipedia:Nerdcore|nerdcore]], white guys rapping on [[YouTube]] is not unheard of. [[CChanSonichuCWC|Some of these individuals]] demonstrate impressive [[SHE IS MINE NOW#MC CWC responds|talent]] in their ability to flow on a beat. Christian is not among them.

Of course, his most notable foray into rap is his entry for the PaRappa Contest. While his motivations and the drama it caused are covered extensively in that article, the video itself is characterized by a complete lack of rhythm or flow. The result sounds sort of like a Muppet slurring his words together and randomly shouting.

Before he starts the song in earnest, Chris does a little bit of freestyling in the beginning. Needless to say, it's not promising:

{{Quote|I have a [[PSP]] and she don't/So give me the PSP, unwrap the wrapper/So I can give one to her, and then we can play together!|Chris, almost rhyming.}}

This was nothing compared to a [[Re to Chris No 2 - SHE IS MINE NOW#Video|later foray]] into the genre. Playing Aerosmith in the background instead of a breakbeat, Chris basically just shouts a lot of random short sentences with no regard as to how they flow, or if they even rhyme at all.

{{Quote|You just a dang dummy!/And you still chicken, you's a dang coward!/You wanna come fight me/Come fight me in person/Come out from behind the camera you fool|Chris, "rapping"}}

In [[December 2009]], Chris would [[Hello, Juffalo|rap once again]] to Insane Clown Posse side project [[Wikipedia:Dark Lotus|Dark Lotus]]. As usual, he made no attempt to learn the lyrics and appears to be reading them off a piece of paper with inappropriate affect. During a portion of the video he mumbles to himself, rocking back and forth and fondling his ample breasts not once, but twice. He also refers to himself as a [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Juffalo ''Juffalo''], a term apparently used by Insane Clown Posse aficionados to describe the noncommittal poseurs who aren't good enough to fully appreciate the world of clown-related rap.

Two days prior to this he made another [[IPods Down and Listen Up|awful freestyle rap]]. The point of this is unclear, although he apparently visited a doctor, who suggested that he take over-the-counter vitamins. He likens the effects of these vitamins to Viagra, and then compares himself to a tiger who would rape a panther to produce tiger-panther cubs. Yeah...

==Instruments==

[[Image:CWCGitarPlaying2.jpg|thumb|**clickclickclick**. It's like I'm playing real guitar, y'all!]]

[[Image:295.jpg|thumb|The [only] other musical instrument Chris is good at.]]

{{quote|I would play my ax on the Wii; getting the high scores, scored better, real play for my benefit. | [[Blanca]], acting as a proxy for Chris to espouse his flawed beliefs on music}}

Chris seems to have a very tenuous grasp on what constitutes a musical instrument. Notably, in several videos, Chris tends to treat his [[Gitar of Fail]] like it's a real instrument. This seems outright foolish, even for Chris, until you consider his mindset. All of Chris's [[Sonichu|"creations"]] are copies of other things, yet are still [[Chris and Copyright|somehow completely original.]] So by "playing" someone else's song on ''Guitar Hero'', his autistic mindset dictates that he is actually playing the song. Go ahead and try to wrap your head around this doublethink.

As further proof of his madness, Chris equated Liquid's actual musical skill to him playing ''Guitar Hero'', to such a degree that he felt it necessary to outlaw both in the [[SingStar Challenge]].

{{quote|I got the idea of the challenge from him COPYING me playing Boston's "More Than A Feeling" on Guitar Hero on his old Wooden Nickel; if he wants to copy on Guitar, he may as well be challenged in a Sing-Off.|Chris, [[Katie Bay E-mails 3|blowing the minds of guitarists of all talent levels]]}}

{{quote|-NO MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS, real or Guitar Hero/Rock Band/Rock Revolution, etc is to be visible in ANY VIDEO.| Chris, inspiring the hatred of people who like music everywhere}}

It is also telling that not only does Chris lack any sense of pitch in singing, but with melodies in general. This is evidenced in the [[The_24th_Wedding_Anniversary_Special#Part_1|Wedding Anniversary Special]], where he claims to be playing the original theme to [[Sonic the Hedgehog]], but ends up with some wildly unrecognizable tune that only vaguely resembles the Sonic theme rhythmically. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Chris is actually tone-deaf, instead of simply lacking in vocal skills. This may be a symptom of autism, as subtleties in tone and intonation indicating emotional and social cues are beyond his grasp.

==Recording tech==
Chris's idea of accompaniment is putting the original song playing on the background using his [[PS3]] and the near-$1,000 [[Sony]] LCD HDTV, and the most expensive speakers his [[monthly tugboat|boat]] could tug in, while he sings with his unique voice. The singing, of course, is dutifully recorded with the long-suffering [[PSEye]] camera. The implications are staggering:

* There's always a huge quality loss when music is played on speaker and then re-recorded from a distance, because the acoustics of the room distort the sound and the air itself blocks low and high frequencies, leaving you with only a distorted fraction of the original sound. Chris, of course, believes that everything he does is perfect on the first try and never has to be redone, just like his art.

* The original lyrics are still on the song. At least on one occasion, Chris even screwed up harder than this, and got a cover of "Never Gonna Give You Up" from ''Family Guy'', clobbered by dialogue and other sounds.<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate September 24th, 2008]]</ref> While lyrics often can't always be removed from a mixed song entirely, it's at least worth a shot trying lyrics removal software. Or, it might pay to look for an instrumental version or an instrumental cover. (For example, [[wikipedia:Ed Starink|Ed Starink]] made a crapton of decent-to-awesome synthesizer covers of pop songs. ''Yes, even "Never Gonna Give You Up." I'm not kidding, he really did.'')

* When you have one go and one microphone to record everything, there's no way to correct the errors if you flub anything. The result is obviously perfect... who are we kidding.

Chris is, of course, unaware of the incredible leaps and bounds that music recording has advanced in recent years, and hasn't noticed that there are plenty of good multitrack sound editors available for free. Many come with lyrics removal plugins.

Chris also demands this sort of weird screwy setup from ''others''; one might assume, for example, that the Brown-Striped One, with actual musical talent, would have more technical know-how on how to record music properly, but the SingStar Challenge was done on Chris's strange terms.

==Sauces==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys (band)]]
*[[Gitar of Fail]]
*''[[Guitar Hero]]''
*[[List of Chris's Rhapsody.com downloads]]

==External links==
* [http://www.mediafire.com/?j3wnmyzctwn A list of Chris's MyCokeRewards Rhapsody purchases] (Note that those within "index[[Clyde Cash|GREGG]]bought.html" were, obviously, purchased by trolls who had hijacked the account.)

{{Chris and}}

Chris chan (CWCipedia)

2011-07-04T15:23:35Z

Dann Woolf:

:''This article is about the annotated [[ED]] page made by Chris and posted on [[CWCipedia]]. For details on Chris-chan himself, please see [[Christian Weston Chandler]]. For details on the ED forum about Chris, please see [[Chris-chan (forum)]].''

The '''Chris chan''' article on the [[CWCipedia]] is an entry on Chris's wiki done to edit and modify most of Chris's article on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]. This entry shows Chris's [[ego]] in action, trying to edit everything to make him look good despite most of the truthfulness the article holds on him.

Chris did not simply copy and paste the text from the ED article; he retyped it completely, as he admitted at the beginning of his version. As a result, there are several typos in his version that were not in the version of the ED article that he copied. In addition, Chris omitted several paragraphs entirely from his version of the article, including one about the [[Medallion of Fail]] and another that concerned scurrilous topics such as the [[nudes]] and [[sex tape]] (although he later acknowledged the Kimmi video in one of his comments).

It also confirms that Chris cannot understand subtlety. Parts of the page which are obviously untrue (such as him being a communist) are treated as fact, while the 4Chan meme jokes fly right over his head. Further, while some aspects of the page could be considered personal opinion (and in some rare cases Chris actually does correct parts of the article for truth, such as how many [[attraction locations]] he was kicked out from), most of Chris's "corrections" are blatant lies.

Immediately after typing this, Chris demanded that the CWCipedia [[ChrisChanSonichu_and_WikiSysop_correspondence#The_revised_ED_Page|Sysop]] copy over all the hyperlinks from the original ED article so Chris can add those to his own wiki.

== Note that... ==

* Chris bolds the statement saying that he's [[homo]]phobic. He then clarifies that he doesn't hate the [[Homos|gay people]], he merely hates their lifestyle choice and sexuality – that is, the things that comprise some of the base elements of their personality.
* Another doubtless fact: according to Chris's bolding, Chris also denies that Leviticus forbade [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back|shaving]], wearing [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|underwear with elastic straps]], or [[Sonic|crossbreeding]] [[Pikachu|animals]].
* As for religious tolerance, Chris bolds the statement that he is a [[Chris and religion|"prolific hater of all things not Christian"]]. Yes, he himself confirmed that as a fact.
* He bolds the statement accusing him of creating several sockpuppet accounts on ED to [[Fail|vandalize his ED page]]. He also reveals one of the main mysteries in his biography: he says that the reason behind his ED edits, which were the main cause of his subsequent downfall, was a [[Honor Roll|bizarrely ignorant]] belief that an "Information Overload" (= "adding a lot of [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|shitty pron pics]] and other self-compromising info") would somehow take his ED page down.
* He unfoundedly denies that he [[Fail|failed]] in his war against [[ED]] and other [[Troll]] sites, and then bolds that his plea to his [[Trolls|"fans"]] to not donate to ED failed.
*He refuses to admit that his nonexistent [[True and Loyal Fanbase|Sonichu fans]] are [[Trolls|nonexistent]], and that his "fans" didn't bring ED down (completely ignoring the subsequent explanation that it was caused by an issue related to the website as a whole)... and then bolds a completely unexpected revelation: that [[True and Loyal Fanbase|the only people who pay attention to Chris]] are ED donors.
* To top all of this, Chris sadly bolds that his reactions to [[Trolls|trolling]] always make things worse.
* Chris surprisingly bolds a statement saying that Mary Lee Walsh was reasonable to assume that Chris was publicly soliciting for [[Hanky-panky|sex]]. Getting back to Earth, he then quickly tries to correct himself, adding that he was not soliciting "anything Other Than Honest [[Gal-pal|Friendship]], that would etc. etc"... thus [[Fail|actually admitting to being a solicitor]].
* Chris has generously "forgiven" [[Mary Lee Walsh]] for her past "misdeeds". He also tells us that she tried to ask Chris unofficially not to loiter on [[Attraction Location|college grounds]], but the Chandlers chose to not accept her letter.
*Chris bolds that he still blames [[ED]] for breaking him up with [[Megan]], despite knowing full well that [[ShecameforCWC.jpg|the image that ended their friendship]] was dreamed up, drawn, colored, scanned and uploaded to ED by himself. He also (finally!) admits, by bolding it, that Megan was never his [[Sweetheart|girlfriend]].
* Chris denies that he changes his [[Sweethearts]] frequently. He also bolds that [[Blanca]] was [[Troll|real]], and adds that he [[Naive|trusted her]], and that he [[Lie|"dumped her sorry ass"]] after "she" destroyed his [[Medallion of Fail]].
* He also expresses his belief that there is [[Fail|absolutely no difference]] between making a conversation with a [[BlueSpike|9-year-old girl]] and a [[Julie|grown-up woman]].
* He bolds that he wouldn't date an autistic, high-functioning or otherwise. The explanation is that he doesn't want to date [[Autism|''high-functioning'' autistic]] women because he "may be seeing a mirror" reflecting what he would become if he were a [[Slow-in-the-minds|''low-functioning'' autistic]]. To recap: he thinks that a ''high-functioning'' autistic woman acts like Chris would if he were ''low-functional''. Is he being [[Chris and his Ego|egotistical]] or just [[Women's Rights|sexist]]?
* He admits that his parents finally advised him [[Honest Content|not to tell every woman he meets]] that he's a [[Virgin with Rage]]. FINALLY.
* At first Chris vehemently denies that he owns [[Kimmi|blow-up sex dolls]]. Then he bolds the statements about him owning a sex doll, taking part in all those [[For Julie's Eyes Only|"JULAAAY!"]] shenanigans, and buying [[sex toys]] and porn vids since [[2003]]. Then in yet another comment he confirms that he purchased straight porn and sex dolls.
* Chris reveals that his vast knowledge about sex and relationships stems from MORE than just watching [[Rule 34|porn]]! His other sources include: [[Date Ed|Sex Ed]], [[I Love Lucy|chick flicks]], [[gal-pals]]' advice, and something called "Relationship Management courses".
* Then announces that knows about [[Chris and sex|sex]] and [[Love Quest|relationships]] "a LOT" more than any "God-D***ed [[Troll]]" will ever know... including, you know, trolls who are actually [[JERKS|in relationships]] and are not [[Virgin with Rage|Virgins with Rage]]...
* The [[Geinus|guru]] continues to open our eyes, saying that everything we knew about relationships & sex is wrong! "Because while they ONLY think they know or even understand, they Really Do Not Understand At All; THEY ARE DUMBA**ES!"
* Chris [[Naive|bolds]] all excessive positive epithets used in the [[ED]] article as [[Parody|irony]]. He then denies that he has any [[Chris and his Ego|unwarranted self-importance]]. However, a few paragraphs later, he expresses his honest belief that [[Chris and his Ego|actual real-world people would build a city in Virginia named "CWCville" and a "CWCville Mall" in this city, and dedicate them to Chris]].
* Chris also bolds a confession that he "[[Life Upgrade|upgrades]]" his self-confidence by using vitamins.
* He also bolds that [[Minor CWC-isms#Cosmos|HE CAN FEEL THE COSMOS]]!
* Chris also denies several times... that [[CWCville]] is imaginary and fictional. [[Chris and reality|OH. MY. GOD.]]

=The Actual Article=

'''From Christian Weston Chandler,'''

**Finally, the [[Lies|Truth]], False and the Exaggerated are Personally Sorted out from that which has plagued me since November, 2007. I will be retyping the paragraphs of the page verbatim, but with the following additions,

**'''Bold Statements [[Honest Content|are TRUE without question]].'''
**<s>Striked Statements</s> [[List of Chris's lies|are FALSE without question]].
**Statements that are Neither '''Bold''' or <s>Striked</s> will be personally explained in ''(Parenthesis with Italtics)'', or otherwise are personal commentary in few other portions.
**Portions of the Titles of the segments will be <s>striked</s> appropriately for content and exaggerations.
**And all curse and dirty words [[CWC-isms|will be appropriately censored]].
**'''[[April 16 Fetish Vids|Reader Supervision]]/[[For Julie's Eyes Only|Discretion is Advised.]]'''

**Also, I purposely have not, and will not, include all images and their comments in this page for content purposes of [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack|portryals of nudity]], wrongful-types of [[parody]], [[Slow-in-the-minds|retardness]] and stupidity, and such.

**Should any new text come up on that ED page that are not in this page after full completion appear, or if you have any questions about it, please send those notes and questions to the [[Mailbag]], and I will address them appropriately then.

**So, without further ado, here is Encyclopedia Dramatica's "Chris_chan" page, Personally Edited.
--[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/User:ChrisChanSonichu ChrisChanSonichu] 23:44, 17 December 2009 (CET)

==Behold, <s>the Mistake of God:</s> Christian Weston Chandler. ''(The Only Mistake of God were THE PEOPLE who contributed to the Original E.D. Page)''==

'''Born February 24, [[1982]], Christian is''' a <s>[[naive]], [[Chris and sex|perverse]],</s> [[Obesity|overweight]] ''(I am working on losing the belly)'' <s>[[Niggos|racist]], [[Pedofork|pedophilic]],</s> '''[[Homos#Fear_of_being_a_homo|homophobic]]''' <s>un</s>'''patriotic'''<s>communist b******, self-proclaimed</s> '''high-functioning autistic virgin [[Chris's room|man'''<s>-child</s>''']], and creator of his own skillfully-drawn series of [[Sonichu (comic)|comics]] starring [[Sonichu]] - his supremely insightful crossover of [[Pokemon|Pikachu]] and [[Sonic]]. As well as "suffering" from [[autism|atuisim]]''' ''([[Autism#Autism_cured.3F|which I still am for real]])'', <s>Chris also suffers from a sever case of [[Chris and his Ego|unwarranted self-importance]], the only cure for which would be to remove his head from his consequently gaping a**. At the time of this writing, Chris has found neither the time nor the conviction to do so.</s> ''(What the Hell is WRONG with these people?)''

'''Other names for Chris-Chan include: CWC ''(Christian Weston Chandler)'', クリスちゃん, [[Ricardo Weston Chandler]]''', <s>[[Ian Brandon Anderson]], [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|Ian Brandon Something]], The Impostor, [[Sammy]], Antonio, [[Metal Gear Solid|Solid Chris]] or any other lulzy names trolls can make up for him, which will make him throw a [[Chris and anger|tantrum]].</s>

But it gets far worse, my friends... ''(For that ED Page, that is, LOL. Although, F.Y.I., '''"LULZ" is short for "[[Laughs Under Lucricities]]"''')''

==Chris in Person ''(From THEIR Point of View)''==

It is of utmost importance that, before one ever enters a fixed one-mile radius around Christian Weston Chandler's [[Ruckersville, VA]] habitat, one is well-acquainted with the facts regarding this man's ''(HERE COMES SOME REAL TORTURED VIEWS OF OPINIONS)'' <s>bleak existence, and the mortal and immediate danger that one's proximity to him represents, bot to one's mental and physical well-being. In order to maintain his jaw-droppingly destrucive lifestyle, as we will explore,</s> Chris has had to sacrifice any of the normal human customs practiced in modern society, and seems to have synthesized an entirely new list of traits which he believes better-equips him to indulge in his trademark fantastical escapism via invented comic book characters, <s>[[Kimmi|blow-up]] [[Sex toys|sex dolls]], and [[Chris and his Ego|egomania]].</s> ''(Such of my personal views do help make life more easier in my point of view, and the few considerably "Sacrificed Normal Human Customs", I.M.H.O, would be constant eye-contact with most people, self-confidence ('''Which is being UPGRADED with "[[IPods Down and Listen Up|Stock Market Rising]]" Vitamins of A and D''') in meeting people unassisted by others and internet, and being stuck on Routines of which new ones can be included with good, constant practice on my part.)'' To wit:

**<s>He rarely shuts up about [[Sonichu]],</s> the self-endorsed, self-authored and mind-nubing allegory of Chris's life, as viewed through his own massive, [[1985]]-throwback rose-tinted glasses. ''(Sonichu's life is [[Sonichu#Sonichu_as_a_Mary_Sue|different from my own]], so I do not consider his life to be equivalent to mine, Also, Sonichu is NOT Autistic. And I DO talk about a lot of OTHER topics that come to mind; I do have a real life and I stay in tune to current topics now and then.)''
**<s>His skin and [[Hair|hair]] is covered in a semi-permeable and self-renewing film of grease; not incomparable to an arctic permafrost of dead skin cells and sweat, proving definitively that he never showers.</s> ''(I Shower Daily and Thoroughly.)''
**He wears recycled shirts from the Salvation Army ''(And Goodwill, but I also wear [[Chris and fashion|clothing]] that were purchased from fine stores such as Sears, JCPenny, American Eagle, Pacific Sunwear, etc)'' <s>and believes it's a cause for gloating.</s> He really believes in [[Semen#Recycling|recycling]]. ''(The ususal Paper, Metal and Plastic products that appropriately go to Recycling Sites in and around Charlottesville, VA)'' <s>That is, he really really really believes in recycling. He recycles everything.</s> ''(Obvious Exaggerations from their P.O.V.)''
**His scent is <s>a combination</s> of [[Axe|AXE]] ''(and good clean practices of [[Chris and health#Hygiene|daily showers with soap, shampoo and water]], and sometimes the [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|natural body oders]])'' <s>and A** (oversprayed, of course).
**He leaves the toilet seat up.</s> ''(I put the seat back down for consideration of the women.)''
**'''[[CWC Update 9 April 2009|HE CAN FEEL THE COSMOS!]]''' ''(I did say that for [[Ivy]], and I will stand by the quote.)''
**In the event that you are able to speak to Chris, you should be prepared to encouter ''(Pleasant, clean and intelligent conversations with no pressure for anything other than being friendly)'' <s>wave after wafe of weak, juvenile aspersions cast in the hopes of making you forget just how abysmal Chris's life really is, along with creepy, probing questions about your personal life in regards to relationships with women.</s> This is because '''Chris is still''' <s>vainly</s> '''searching for a [[sweetheart|girlfriend]], years after first causing a''' <s>s***storm</s> ''(minor mishap)'' '''by walking into a [[Fashion Square Mall|local mall]] while in [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|Community College]], and advertising his desire for women via [[Attraction Sign|hand-held signage]].'''

Lastly: ''(Thank God these S.O.B.s are almost finished with this list)''

**<s>Once he starts stalking a woman, he'll tenaciously track her down, even if she's really an IRL troll, a 4chan troll or just doesn't exist.</s>
**'''He''' <s>ALWAYS</s> '''[[honest content|mentions]] he's a [[virgin with rage|virgin]]''' <s>when he meets women. (I'm dead serious.)</s> ''(Nowadays for a LONG TIME, after being advised by [[Barbara Chandler|my mom]] and [[Bob Chandler|dad]], I keep that statement private.)''

==<s>IRL Stalker</s> ''(Or so they Wrongfully Claim)''==

'''''(For the record, I am not, and I never was, a stalker)'''''

'''On [[MySpace]], Chris posted his quest for a "[[boyfriend-free girl]]"''' <s>and his stalking tendencies.</s> '''Unfortunately for him, every woman on the planet appears to have a boyfriend. This has led to what Chris dubs "[[noviophobia]]" - in Chris's <s>b******ized</s> '''hogh school Spanish interpretation, inserts "novio" which essentially means "boyfriend", before latin root, "phobia", <s>committing a facepalm-worty portmanteau that is almost nonsensical enough to make you forget that of all things in the world, Chris has a paralyzing fear of boyfriends.</s> '''Chris claims to hate every male besides himself and his father,''' ''(And Santa Clause, [[Chris_and_religion#Concept_of_God_.28or:_GodJesus.29|Jesus, God]], the [[Barack Obama|President of the United States]], all the World Leaders, and ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present.)'' '''because they "took all the pretty girls leaving him with no one to choose from."''' ''(The fear is Out-Of-Date, because I got over that months ago. I am cool with that theory, and the only [[JERKS|males]] I hate are those that are [[Trolls]] and those who truly hate me back.)''

'''He employed his famous "looking for a boyfriend-free girl" sign in two places:''' ''(actually Four Places; a [[Mal-Wart|Wal-Mart]] and a [[Target]] in addition to the following two)'' '''[[Charlottesville Fashion Square|the Fashion Square Shopping Center]] and [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]]. The dean, [[Mary Lee Walsh|mary Lee Walsh]], reasonably assumed that Chris was publicly soliciting for sex,''' ''(Of which I was Not Soliciting for anything Other Than Honest Friendship that would become a True Honest [[sweetheart from the ground up|Sweetheart Relationship over reasonable time]])'' '''had the sign destroyed''' ''(She destroyed this one sign Herself)'' '''and banned from the school for a year. Since then, he became obsessed with her''' ''(But I have got over the obsession recently.)'' '''and depicts her within his comic as a''' <s>bald</s> '''witch with a viking helmet, a pitchfork, a scepter''' ''(Which contains her accomplice of evil)'' <s>to contain her evil anti-love powers,</s> ''(The character, [[Slaweel Ryam]], has her powers within her own person)'' '''and occasionally a broomstick.'''

'''Chris has also shown [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|his hatred towards Mary]] on [[Mary Lee Walsh#Coping mechanisms|several other occasions.]]''' ''(I had [[One Blessing, and One Curse|forgiven Miss Mary Lee Walsh]] for her past misdeeds, as y'all will remember, I had drawn the [[:Image:Apology to Mary Lee.jpg|apology drawing]], made the commentary notes on being nice to her here on the Cwcipedia, even the references to her book among other notable achievements. Yet she has not accepted my apology, and even UNOFFICIALLY left an enveloped note in my front door, which was NEVER OPENED or ACCEPTED, of Trespassing on "her property" of Piedmont Virgina Community College. My family and I later learned of the contents of the envelope over phone call conversations. So, as far as it is concerned, [[Chris and the Law|NO Trespassing Notice was EVER accepted]]. '''I mean, that is some "Thank You" for coming over personally to Apologize and Make Peace with my Gesture of Goodwill being the FRAMED Hand-Drawn Apology.''' That woman's Real-Life Mean-Spirited Attitude has made her out to be a Mean B****. *sigh* But I still forgive her for all that anyway.)'' [[Harvey Birdman Commercial|'''He made a hilarious video''' <s>asking for</s> ''(having)'' '''fictional character Harvey''' <s>Dirdban's (not</s> '''Birdman's'''<s>)</s> '''assistance to fight "THAT EVIL''' <s>B****</s> '''MARY LEE WALSH''' <s>FOREVAR!!1</s>]] '''in a contest for Adult Swim. He also made a video of him [[Soul Calibur#Watch Chris fight Mary Lee Walsh|fighting Mary Lee Walsh as a custom character in Soul Calibur III]]. Despite his hate for Walsh, he still took the time with his Magic Markers to make hideous pron of her.''' ''(Yes, I did, within a set of Five adult-oriented sexual drawing I originally drew AS PROTEST AGAINST THE ENCYCLOPEDIA DRAMATICA PAGE. The act would later be portrayed similarly as Rosechu's Protest against "[[4-Cent Garbage]]".)''

'''Chris's Love Quest was also foiled by ''"''[[Jerkop|Security Guards]]''"'' of [[Fashion Square Shopping Center]]. He was handcuffed and kicked out by ''These'' Jerkops (half jerk, half cops) "for trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free Girl".'''

'''Christian''' <s>claims to have</s> '''started his''' <s>ill-begotten</s> '''love quest, because he wants a daughter whom he will dubly call [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal Weston Chandler]] (apparently after the illustrious metal). he made ''Renditions of'' her in the form of one of his [[My Little Pony]] figures''' <s>(from his own [[Hair|pugic hair]], mind you),</s> ''(I used Thread that one can find in stores everywhere by the fabrics and crafts)'' '''and made a separate file in the game, [[Animal Crossing]], and played as her.'''

'''The person we know the most about is [[Megan Schroeder]]''' <s>(note the Jewish name, a sign that gold is involved),</s> '''who had a''' <s>huge</s> '''influence on the comic and Chris himself.''' <s>She remarked that the antagonist of one of the Sailor Moon movies came off as a "kind of q****", possibly influencing Chris's homophobia.</s>

'''One example of the Chris-induced drama is the blog entry where a girl describes her encounter with Chris as he was wandering stores in search of his true love in late 2004, which can be viewed [[Thecrazypacer|here]]''' ''([[Anna McLerran]], after the writing of the blog entry, became a [[Gal-Pal|True Friend of mine]], and she cares about my feelings as such. Anna, thank you for continuing to be my friend.)''

<s>Chris changes love interests far more frequently than he changes his underwear; it is speculated that he has fallen in "true love" over 9,000 times. You could be next. Trolled IRL.</s>

'''Trolling of Chris-Chan has crossed the OnLine border into InRealLife. Whether internet vigilantes are trying to expose him for the psycho stalker''' <s>he really is</s> or if they fap to picking on retards, it's uncertain.'''

**'''[[The Game Place]], a store where he volunteered, was soon subject to his antics when [[Daniel Mimms|Anon took several photos of him]]. Nothing notable arose from this, other than mild lulz.'''

**'''An old classmate of Chris, [[Joshua Martinez]], did some epid trolling. We don't actually know very much about Joshua, just a few key facts. Chris knew him from his old school [[Chris's education|(Joshua and Chris both had Special Ed together)]],''' ''(Speech Therapy to be specific)'' '''recently met up with him again and was getting along fine. Apparently, Joshua was very popular with women and had met some famous celebrities. For some reason, Chris became''' <s>extremely</s> '''jealous and even tried to get ED to go after him. Noe that Chris''' <s>only</s> '''values Joshua's friendship''' <s>because he's popular with women, and that by being friends with him, he might end up laid.</s> '''Unfortunately for Chris, even other special education kids will f*** with him. the chick that Joshua was supposed to hook him up with was just Joshua trolling him with a picture of [[Vanessa Hudgens]].''' ''(And yes, I still do not care much for Joshua because of his D***, Dirty Lies and Deception. And as I had stated in a past Video on My YouTube, "He is a Dirty Liar; I Do Not Care if the Trolls Troll Him," and I still stand by that statement.)''

**'''A girl IRL,''' ''(That would be [[Hannah]], as portrayed in "Sonichu", No.2 and No.4, Sup-Episode 2, for what happened that one day.)'' <s>possibly</s> '''unrelated to ED or 4chan, tried to troll Chris-Chan for the [[lulz]].'''

**'''Through trolling in this next case started online, it quickly moved into IRL. Chris had started a relationship with an e-girlfriend called [[Blanca Weiss]]. On September 11, 2008, another troll going by the same name was really a [[Man in the Pickle Suit |black man in a pickle costume]] and managed to score horrific nudes.''' ''(D*** that Dirty Son of a B****; I hope he lands in the fiery pits of hell after his death for his deception and extortion.)'' '''On October 7, 2008, Blanca managed to get the medallions and destroy them.''' ''([[Chris Chan Update 21 October 2008|I dumped her sorry ass after that misdeed; I had trusted her]].)''

==Chris Chan: Master of Race Relations ''(Or so the Trolls Claim in the Striked Statements. I am Not a Racist.)''==

<s>As a basement dweller from Bumf***, Virginia, it's a huge surprise that [[Niggos|CWC is VERY racist]].</s> '''On his blog, [[List of Chris's lies|Chris denies his racism]]''' <s>by stating he only dislikes Barack Obama for being an Arab terrorist, and: "It's the WHITE house; we don't endorse people painting it different colors around here."</s> ''(I used to agree with my father on Obama in a negative sense, BUT then I watched BOTH A&E Documentarys on McCain and Obama. I saw a bit of myself in Obama, and my views on him changed completely; he used to be a social outcast for a bit at a couple of times, and having to deal with such trials like I did, I respect Obama. I Voted for Obama on Election Day of 2008. )'' <s>Chris also believes that 99% of the Earth is ruled by dictators.</s> '''In several of his videos, he asked to meet [[Sweetheart|non-boyfriended, non-black girls.]]''' ''(But I am very cool in acquainting and [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg|befriending women]] and men of all colors and countries; [[Chris and remorse|I did not mean to sound racist from what I was looking for in my Sweetheart.]])''

'''Upon discovering this article around the 10th of November, 2007, Chris suffered a sever case of''' <s>b***</s>'''hurt and decared war on every site mocking''' <s>his f****try. As with everything in his life, [[Fail|Chris failed]].</s>

'''At first, Chris tried [[List of Christian's edits to Encyclopedia Dramatica|tampering with this article]] while logged in as Reldnahc, which is obviously "Chandler" (his last name) spelled backwards. Before erasing the entire article, Chris actually contributed by adding information that he hadn't submitted anywhere else.''' ''(I had thought the Information Overload would somehow Take Down the page; I admit that I was mistaken.)'' '''Most of his additions were chunks of text from uncited sources which included how [[Megan]] "shattered his heart", and printouts of the [[Sonichu News Dash]], a''' <s>s***ty</s> '''newsletter about his comic which he also distributed at [[PVCC]] that landed him in another apparent conflict with [[Mary Lee Walsh]].'''

'''To make matters worse, he also uploaded [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack|Rule 34 of his own characters]].''' ''(Again, This was the SAME PROTEST that I had stated earlier on this page.)''

'''Later, when the context of the article finally dawned on Chris, he snapped. He created another account, Chris-chan,''' ''(versus Chris_chan)'' '''and tried blanking the page several times.

'''CWC blames Encyclopedia Dramatica for [[Megan Schroeder#The End of Megan|breaking up the relationship between him and Megan]] despite the fact that she was never his girlfriend.''' <s>Just another lying attempt to make ED feel guilty about something.</s>

[[Kudos to the Encyclopedia DramaDestruction|'''In this video''' <s>BALEETED]]</s>, '''Chris congratulated all his''' <s>non-existent</s> '''Sonichu fans whom he''' <s>mistakenly</s> believed brought ED down and further urged them not to donate to ED while failing to realize that ED's downtime was due to an issue related to the website as a whole, and not related to any drama around his article.'''

'''Chris's plea for his fans to not donate to ED failed because the only people who pay any attention to Chris are precisely the ones who helped ED reach its donation goal August 14, 2008.'''

==Cwcville==

'''[[Cwcville]] (pronounced: quick-ville)''' <s>is Chris Chan's imaginary world. Considering how it's portrayed, it's full name could be the [[Chris and his Ego|Our Glorious Leader's True and Honset Lovers']] City of Cwcville, in a way similar to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.</s>

'''Cwcville is actually two things: a '''[[Chris and Reality|<s>fictional</s>]] '''setting for the Sonichu comic and Chris's long-ongoing pet project - many might call it a "happy place" and an imaginary refuge from the harsh reality. [[Autism|The two things overlap very much]]. <s>It's sort of like his own personal Silent Hill - except that instead of being a twisted Hell full of violent rage and nightmare beasts, it's a disturbingly cheerful place where Chris's bouncy creations laugh, frolic, and f*** for his amusement exactly like Silent Hill. Characters are introduced without warning and fall by the wayside just as quickly; nobody's quite sure what nbecomes of them, but knowing Chris, it probably involves anguished shrieks emanating from a love dungeon below the Mayor's house.</s>

'''In the Sonichu comic book world, the town is alledgly located in the [[Virginia is for Virgins|state of Virginia]], but being a figment of Chris Chan's [[Chris and copyright|imagination]], it will never be found on an actual map.''' ''(But the city and the [[CWCville Shopping Center|mall]] Can Be Built and Dedicated.)'' <s>Yet, in many ways, it seems the city is legislatively and economically cut off from the rest of Virginia and the United States.</s> '''In this city, Chris Chan is a''' <s>despotic</s> '''Mayor,''' <s>where he controls everything at his own will and dictates new laws, granting him the basis of his megalomaniac tendencies.</s>

'''Inside the comic, Cwcville is at a fierece rivaly with neighboring ''Evil School''''' <s>city</s> '''of "[[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]]", ''PVCCitizens''. Cwcville is under constant attack from the evil forces of ''[[Slaweel Ryam]]''''' <s>Dean Mary Lee Walsh</s> '''and her army of Jerkops.'''

==Cwcville Elections ''(What a load of bulls***)''==

''(NOBODY ELSE WAS EVER MADE MAYOR OF CWCVILLE, and the ONE time I stated otherwise, [[List of Chris's lies|I was LYING OUT MY A**]] WHEN [[Julie Reveals Herself#1.5 Medallion, Jizz, or Julie?|I WAS BEING BLACKMAILED at the time]].)''

'''Around the same time these lulzy and exploitable events occurred, another unfunny gag started when some bright, intelligent ''(Who Do They think they're Kidding?)'' member of YouTube decided to make a video declaring [[Billy Mays]] the new mayor of Cwcville. The only problem with the joke was that Billy Mays is now about as funny as Chuck Norris or a [[4-cent_garbage.com|Mudkip macro on 4chan]]. Thus, "Billy Mays for Mayor of Cwcville" became a meme with a s***load of videos trailing in its wake. If that weren't enough, the whole mock election expanded to other memes like Gordon the Pringles Giraffe and will soon spread to P***bear for President and Chris Hansen for Vice President.''' <s>(GET IT? [[Random-access humor|IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT IS CONFLICTING AND THEREFORE HUMOROUS]], SOMEBODY F***ING DO THIS).</s> ''(Like the f*** any of this make any sense at all; I HAVE NO CLUE AND I STILL DO NOT GET IT AT ALL.)'' '''Under the assumption that he'd be getting his PSN back,''' ''(here we go)'' '''Christian stated that Billy Mays was in fact, mayor of Cwcville.''' ''(I WAS LYING OUT MY F***ING A** WHEN I SAID THAT STATEMENT.)'' '''As always, Christian's reaction will only make things even worse, so be prepared for even more Billy Mays posters being plastered onto YouTube accounts.'''

'''June 28, 2009, just days after Michael Jackon died at age 50 of a heart attac, Billy Mays also died at age 50 of a heart attack. Despite being his 80s, [[Jimmy Hill]] is still alive so he has been hailed mayor of Cwcville''' ''(Like the f*** he would EVER)'' '''despite a rumoured attempted military coup by Chris.'''

'''After seeing a hilarious episode of [[Family Guy]],''' <s>where Chris Chan didn't get that he was being parodied for his moralf****try,</s> '''he decided to share his hatred of the g*** with [[Chris and religion|the Holy Bible]]. To do this, he quoted [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus|18:22 of the book of Leviticus]],''' <s>which is the biblical equivalent of goatse,</s> '''which reinforces how two men should never engage in b***sex lest they be smited to the pits of hell to be r**ed by the Devil and his minions for eternity''' <s>(and also that men cannot shave, wear underwear with elastic straps, or crossbreed animals).</s>

==Chris-Chan the Moralf**==

'''Unbeknownst to Chris, prolific hater of all things not Christian, 89 percent of the users trolling Chris Chan are Muslims. In another blow to Chris's moral credibility, he also decided to pick up a book on how to to talk to women... [[How to Talk to Girls|written by a 9-year-old boy]]. As the kid wrote it on how to talk to girls of his age, [[Pedofork|party vans]] descending on [[Ruckersville]] are imminent.''' ''(Hey, I do not think the lad would take the trolls' commentary on his book lightly, and I don't care for it either. [[Dating education|GENERAL CONVERSATION and Conversation Starters, as he was encouraging in his book]], Are Neutral for People of ALL AGES.)''

==Sex Life==

'''His Sex Life (If you can call it that) includes, among other arousing phenomena, f***ing a [[Kimmi|female anime blow-up doll]] and screaming "[[For Julie's Eyes Only|JULAAAY!" at the top of his lungs.]]''' ''(ONE TIME I screamed that for the ex-gal-pal of mine who I LATER learned was [[BlueSpike|a 13-year-old boy trolling me]]. That little S.O.B. later died at the hands of the "Starscream" Troll, [[Clyde Cash]].)''

'''Chris wrote to [[Nintendo Power Magazine|Nintendo Power]] in April of [[2005]] to discuss the DS game [[Sprung]]: A''' <s>horrible</s> '''[[Noviophobia|dating simulator]], and was overjoyed to discover that they published his email. According to him, it was ''like'' a "free personal", and he expects that it being published will somehow increase his chance of finding a woman.'''

===Chris Chan on sticking things up b***hole.===

'''In both his videos and comics, he has shown contempt towards gays, constantly rambling on about how homosexuality is bad, and repeatedly stating that He Is Not Gay. ''I AM STRAIGHT.''''' <s>Despite these statements, Chris's sexuality remains questionable, [[Sex toys|as he owns a dildo and anal beads]] and rambles on sticking things in his a** while he masturbates.</s> ''(Those two items were [[List of Chris's Adam & Eve purchases|Free Gifts from Adam&Eve.com]] from purchasing woman-on-man videos and [[Officer Nasty|female blow-up dolls]]. I meant for WOMEN to [[Chris Destroys His Vibrator|put those things up their Vaginas]]; NEVER for men to put in their a**. UGH!!! I have never ever put anything up my a** [[Mass debating|while I masturbated]].)'' '''In his list of people he would not date, he lists autistics, high-functioning or otherwise.''' <s>Thus, Chris is also a self-loathing flaming f*****, trying desperately to stay in the closet. And we all know homophobes are closeted gays themselves.</s>

'''Chris appears to be''' <s>stuck</s> '''in a''' <s>[[CWC-isms|strange, child-like</s> '''mentality]] where he fills guilty when discussing sex. Because of thies, he is forced to use different words, like ''"[[Duck|duck]]"''''' <s>"[[Pickle|pickle]]"</s> '''for dick, "[[Chris and sex|hankey-panky]]" for sex, "[[Boyfriend-free girl|boyfriend-free]]" for ''women who are'' single, among other things. He started buying [[sex toys]] and porno videos back in 2003, and when discussing sex with other people (specifically [[Megan Schroeder|Megan]] and a recent troll), he goes into intimate, almost scientific or educational detail. When Megan claimed to be uncomfortable with Chris discussing sex,''' ''(I stopped talking about it with her)'' <s>Chris goes into full detail on how a handjob works and that he has learned everything he knows from pornography.</s>

'''In recent audio recordings,''' <s>we have discovered a lot about Chris's sexuality.</s> '''Namely, he thinks that''' <s>gender stereotypes,</s> dirty talk, and cheesy lines like, "This might hurt a bit at first" are part of actual sex. One of the [[Chris Sex Logs|audio recordings]] has him describing his ideal "[[Chris_Sex_Logs#My_first_time|first time]]", which in intricate, overly dramatic''' <s>and mildly retarded.</s>

''(To correct most of this, '''A)''' I hate the gays' lifestyle; NOT THE PEOPLE. I am okay with being acquainted or friends with them, but no more than that. '''B)''' Yes, I do not care to date autistic or seriously mentally-challenged women, but because I feel if I went out with such a woman, I may be seeing a mirror reflecting on [[Chris and hypocrisy#examples|what I may have become if I was Low-Functioning]]. '''C)''' I have learned from MORE than just pornography; I have passed Sexual Education in [[Manchester High School|High School]], I have watched a lot of Romantic movies and shows, my friends have shared with me their input on relationships, I took Relationship Management courses, and currently the listed mentality is not only outdated, but I know those things are Optional. And letting the other know it may hurt ON THE FIRST TIME shows that I, the man, care and respect her, the woman, in a way.

I have learned a LOT more about sex and relationships than ANY God-D***ed Troll will EVER know, because while they ONLY think they know or even understand, they Really Do Not Understand At All; THEY ARE DUMBA**ES!)''

==Other==

'''Chris Chan is also a fan of''' <s>the loli, as evident by his Rule 34 of Dot Warner, Misty from Pokemon and</s> '''[[Family Guy#Chris and Meg|Meg Griffin]].'''

'''''I go for Adult Women; I am not a [[Pedofork|pedofile]].'''''

--[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/User:ChrisChanSonichu ChrisChanSonichu] 03:18, 18 December 2009 (CET)

==Tl;Dr Version==
This Article Chris "revised" is full of lies and denials of Chris's multiple defects and faults, and Chris can't get any hint of sarcasm of irony in anything, Chris Shows complete ignorance of various subjects and proves that his ego is gigantic.

[[Category:CWCipedia]]
[[Category:Historical Documents]]

SingStar Challenge

2011-06-28T14:46:55Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:SingStar_Competition.jpg|thumb|[[Liquid|Who]] will prevail?]]
'''CWC Challenge''' was a video competition between [[Ian Brandon Anderson]] ([[IBAChandler]]) and [[Liquid Chris]] ([[CChanSonichuCWC]]) to determine who is the real CWC.

Because Ian was too much of a pussy to challenge Liquid to a proper [[Wikipedia:Duel|duel]] like a [[Virginia|Southern]] gentleman, he had opted instead for a singing competition, like Southern [[homos]].

The genesis of the contest was when [[CWC_More_Than_A_Feeling#Response|Liquid outshined Ian]] by playing a real [[guitar]], whereas the latter merely did a [[CWC More Than A Feeling|''Guitar Hero'' rendition]]. Butthurt that Chris had an actual talent, Ian decided he could one-up Chris by using his vocal skills.<ref>[[Katie Bay E-mails 3]]</ref>

Happily, Ian couldn't have chosen a worse medium to duel through, as [[Chris and music|he is so tone deaf he doesn't even realize that he is tone deaf]]. Ian [[autism|believed]] his singing voice had "a [[Wikipedia:Frank Sinatra|Frank Sinatra]] or [[Wikipedia:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]] flavor,"<ref>[[Sonichu_Girls#Introduction]]</ref> so he seemed to believe that he was a shoe-in to win.

==Announcement==
Because it's totally fair that Ian gets to set the rules to a competition he's competing in without even asking his opponent if the terms are acceptable, Ian laid out in great detail the rules of engagement:
{{quotebox|Rules between [[Ian Brandon Anderson|The Original, Patriotic C.W.C.]] and [[Liquid Chris|the Brown-Striped Impostor C.W.C.]]

-One Song At A Time from our individual Playlists. 
-Sing Without Printed Lyrics or Karaoke Equipment.. 
-Original MP3s must be played in background at appropriate audible volume.. 
-NO MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS, real or [[Guitar Hero]]/[[Wikipedia:Rock Band|Rock Band]]/[[Wikipedia:Rock Revolution|Rock Revolution]], etc is to be visible in ANY VIDEO. .
-No Requests will be made from one Singer to the other BEFORE [[SingStar Challenge Round 5|the 5th Song]]. After the Brown One sings [[SingStar Challenge Round 4|Song 4]], he may choose the Encore Track for me to sing, then I will choose his Encore Track for him to sing.. 
-Deadline for Each Player: 24 Hours from one Singer's Uploading of their Singing Video (After [[August 2009|August 5, 2009]] at Noon EST). If I upload on 12:30 PM Monday the 3rd, the deadline for the Brown One will be 12:30 PM Tuesday the 4th, and vice-versa. . 
-Use of any MP3 Players Fully Encouraged for playing the Tracks. . 
-NO IMPORTED TRACKS (No Japanese, [[Spanish]], German, etc Tracks).. 
-ENGLISH TRACKS ONLY.. 
-NO Christian Weston Chandler Tracks, such as "[[So Need A Cute Girl]]", "[[Yellow Is A Mellow Color]]", etc. . 
-Once a Song, of that Title from That Artist has been sung, it Can Not be sung again by Either Player for the remainder of the Competition. My First Track is "Sonic Boom" from Pastiche; it is forbidden for it to be sung again by either Me or the Brown One for the remainder of the competition.. 
-NO Visual/Audio Video Edits for ALL SONG VIDEOS. No Dubbing Pre-recorded Audio over Video; ONLY Smooth Video One-Take Recordings Count (multiple takes towards final video are acceptable).. 

<nowiki>***</nowiki>Failure to comply by ANY of these Rules at ANY time during the competition shall be Disqualified, and the Last Player Sung shall be Named the Winner Forever.. 
<nowiki>***</nowiki>All Scores shall be tallied from accuracy of Lyric-Matching and praise from the watching audience, Officially by Judges that myself, and the Impostor will select THREE Close People, NO MORE THAN THREE FOR EACH OF US, on [[YouTube]].. 

My List of Judges will be Noted by their YouTube Handle on [[SingStar Challenge Round 1|My First Song]] for the Competition; I ask the man in brown to list his Judges' Handles on his First Video.. 

The DEADLINE for His First Video and Judge Selection will be Wednesday, August 5 at 12:00 NOON, EST.. 

Game On!|collapsible collapsed}}

Even to [[slow-in-the-minds]], it's clear that several rules contradict themselves immediately, such as not being allowed [[Wikipedia:karaoke|karaoke]] equipment but being allowed to play the song itself in the background. This still hasn't stopped Ian from stuffing up.

===Watch===
<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = SingStar Challenge Announcement
| image = {{#ev:youtube|M9MF5XKiDvw}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 31 [[July 2009]]
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Subject Matter = {{Music}} Music
| Saga = {{Liquid}} [[Liquid]] Saga
| Shirt = {{ClassicShirt}} The Classic
| previous = [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]
| next = [[SingStar Challenge Round 1|Sonic Boom]]
}}
</center>
{{quote|Game on. ¡Abre la contesta!}}

====Transcript====

{| class="collapsible" |
| Alright, Christian, Mr. Brown-Striped Impostor, since you have been able to accept and complete my question challenges, it is time to issue a new challenge. I challenge you in a SingStar competition. The rules are simple. We are to each pick one song out of our libraries, our own playlists, and sing them verbatim with out any printed lyrics and with out any karaoke. 'Quipment.

(''picks up camera'')

And I will show you right now how fair I am. My room layout.

(''pans around his overstuffed-with-junk room'')

No karaoke equipment whatsoever.

(''camera returns to Ian in frame'')

(''[[sigh]]'') And if it-and also we must have the mp3s played behind us, so therefore no musical instruments its so-what so ever in any video. And... only... in song number five, no song before, we [''sigh''] will allow each other to pick one song and challenge the other with that song. And the deadline for each uh, up, each uploaded song is etsa-approximately 24 hours from the previous one. So your song number one will, the deadline for that will be 24 hours after I upload and p-start my first st-song. [sigh] So, with that we will soon be commencing with the first track, "Sonic Boom" [''holds up ''Sonic CD'' cover'']

(''jump cut'')

And with that I will be showing you my li'l lay out

(''camera once again turns to [[Chris's room|Ian's crap-laden room]]'')

my speakers over there,

(''camera moves to show some [[Lego]] bricks'')

my camera will sit here

(''camera moves back to Ian'')

the only thing that I ask anotherly—anotherly in this, no separate microphones but only the microphones on our webcamps. [holds up a mirror to reflect the camera]

(''jump-cut to Ian setting down the camera facing his bed and sits down into frame'')

(''jump-cut to Ian once again holding the camera on himself making the last jump cut meaningless'')

Oh, I forgot one thing, you may use your mp3 player of choice. My [[PSP]] is mine, attached to my speakers.

(''Ian once again sets down the camera'')

You may show me yours in your first video, Mr. Christian.

(''jump cut'')

Any mutiny against the rules I have set forth in this video will be [sigh] [dramatic glasses removal] not countable. And you will have to do it all over again.

(''jump cut to Ian throwing his [[glasses]]'')

And so with that

(''jump cut to Ian removing his vest and throwing it behind him'')

[starting to remove square medallion] Ow! [''removes square medallion, holds it up to the camera to read: '''The Good Life''''') [''starts to shave goatee dry''] [''after eleven seconds the head comes off the razor, Ian reattaches it and continues shaving, then sets razor down'']

(''jump cut'')

[''one second into new scene razor head falls off again, Ian reattaches again and continues to shave until [[Hair|goatee]] is mostly gone'']

(''jump cut'')

(''jump cut'')

—rst thing, no imported music. Which means no [[Anime|Japanese]], no [[Spanish]], no [[Wikipedia:German language|German]], no [[Chris and race|odd country]] language. Only [[English]]. Shame, would loved to play "[[Sailor Moon|Sailor Star]]" or "Flame Sniper"<ref>[http://sailormusic.net/lyrics/Flame_Sniper.html]</ref> [''makes motion as if getting ready to fire an arrow from a bow'']

(''jump cut'')

And also, once a song has been sung, of that specific title, from that specific band, it will not be reusable in a future song. Neither by you, neither by me. Abide by the rules.

(''jump cut'')

[''Ian is once again holding the razor''] Game on. ¡Abre la contesta! [''Spanish for "Let the contest begin!", except that "contesta" is not a Spanish word; "¡Abre el concurso!" would be correct.'']
|}

==Rounds==
{| class="wikitable"
! Round
! IBAChandler's song
! CChanSonichuCWC's song
|-
| '''[[SingStar Challenge Round 1|Round 1]]'''
| "Sonic Boom" from ''Sonic the Hedgehog CD''
| "[[Wikipedia:You're Pitiful|You're Pitiful]]" by [[Wikipedia:"Weird Al" Yankovic|"Weird Al" Yankovic]]
|-
| '''[[SingStar Challenge Round 2|Round 2]]'''
| "[[Wikipedia:Don't Say You Love Me (M2M song)|Don't Say You Love Me]]" by [[Wikipedia:M2M (band)|M2M]]
| "[[Wikipedia:The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air|The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air]]" by [[Wikipedia:Will Smith|Will Smith]]
|-
| '''[[SingStar Challenge Round 3|Round 3]]'''
| "Autumn Goodbye" by [[Britney Spears]]
| "[[Wikipedia:Heaven (Bryan Adams song)|Heaven]]" by [[Wikipedia:Bryan Adams|Bryan Adams]]
|-
| '''[[SingStar Challenge Round 4|Round 4]]'''
| "[[Wikipedia:The Touch (Stan Bush song)|The Touch]]" by [[Wikipedia:Stan Bush|Stan Bush]]
| "[[Wikipedia:Think Twice (song)|Think Twice]]" by [[Wikipedia:Eve 6|EVƎ 6]]
|-
| '''[[SingStar Challenge Round 5|Round 5]]'''
| "Can I Smell Yo Dick?" by Riskay (Opponent's request)
| "Lift your Eyes" by [[Wikipedia:Planetshakers|Planetshakers]] (Opponent's request)
|}

==Awaiting the judges' ruling==

After round five finished, Ian began a campaign against CChanSonichuCWC on various fronts, mainly through video:

*A "direct" confrontation between him and CChanSonichuCWC:
**[[Exposing Jeff]], where by his "detective work" he finds that CChanSonichuCWC's true name is "Jeff": this name is a callback to a previous trolling affair.
**[[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!]], a video that shows the rage held by Ian over the accomplishments of his rival. He tries to demotivate CChanSonichu by using his girlfriend, [[Kacey]], as a deterrent.
**[[CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC]], where he threatens legal persecution and gives some anecdotes about his life, mainly [[Christopher's name change|his name change]] and again mentions Kacey.
**[[LOOK at the truth!]], where he tries a comparison between him and CChanSonichuCWC, acknowledging and reaffirming his failures. This is also a video that shows a side of Ian few people have the fortune of not seeing: his manboobs.
*Trying to steal [[Kacey]] from CChanSonichuCWC, by the pretense of her being in love to the "Real Deal" Chris and not the impostor. This resulted in the following videos:
**[[CWC - Hand Drawn Original]], where Ian shows the viewers the process behind a [[Sonichu]] drawing. This insight reveals that Ian is incapable of holding a pen correctly and the materials used are Crayola markers.
**[[For Kacey from CWC]], Chris tried to impersonate CChanSonichuCWC and invite her to his home for visit.
**A [[Kacey_Phone_Call|telephone interchange between Ian and Kacey]], where he tells her some graphic acts of sexual activities that he wants to do to her.

CChanSonichuCWC was not happy with these events and began his crusade for vindication:
*[[CChanSonichuCWC#Showdown|A telephone conversation]] between him and Ian, where he tries to convince Ian that he is a impostor and should stop impersonating him. Ian, like in his previous video loses it again, threatening CChanSonichuCWC with the police and involving [[Bob]] in this debacle.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-fO5vF61Es His own final warning against Ian]. CChanSonichuCWC shows his anger against the impersonator, exposing his faults and weaknesses. This video is notable for including a ''The Matrix'' reference, relating to Chris's 'real name', "Ian Brandon Anderson".

==Judges==
{| class="wikitable"
|-
|colspan="2"|'''Name and [[YouTube]] handle'''
| '''CWC'''
| '''IBA'''
|-
| rowspan="3"|Judges chosen by CChanSonichuCWC<ref>[[SingStar Challenge Round 1]]</ref>
| [[Kacey Devoria]]
|align="center" |✘
|
|-
| SpazKid ([http://www.youtube.com/user/spazkid spazkid])
|align="center" |✘
|
|-
| Seth
|align="center" |✘
|
|-
| rowspan="3"|Judges chosen by IBAChandler<ref>[[Katie Bay E-mails 3]]</ref>
| [[Katie Bay]] ([http://www.youtube.com/user/katiebaybug katiebaybug])
|align="center" |✘
|
|-
| Kim Wilson ([http://www.youtube.com/user/ScarletSanctum ScarletSanctum])
|
|align="center" |✘
|-
| Unknown [[JERK|dude]] judge
|
|align="center" |✘
|}

==The winner==

{{Infobox/Liquid
| name = "I (CWC) WIN the SingStar Contest"
| video = {{#ev:youtube|if14sxI3bFk}}
| Stardate = 11 [[August 2009]]
| Maker = [[Liquid Chris]]
| Subject Matter = [[Image:Music.png]] Music
| Shirt = [[Image:Brownstripeshirt.png]] Brown
| previous = [[CChanSonichuCWC Videos, August-November 2009#Ian, Talking Time is Over. The REAL Christian Weston Chandler is SICK of Your Lies. Come CLEAN.|Ian, Talking Time is Over. The REAL Christian Weston Chandler is SICK of Your Lies. Come CLEAN.]]
| next = [[CChanSonichuCWC Videos, August-November 2009#I, Christian Weston Chandler of Ruckersville, Virginia, Have Grown Up.|I, Christian Weston Chandler of Ruckersville, Virginia, Have Grown Up]]
}}

{{quote|I declare myself the winner of the Singstar Challenge!}}

===Transcript===
[[Captain's Log]], Stardate August 11th, 2009.

Hello my loyal [[fanbase]], I would like to address the impostor, [[Ian Brandon Anderson]], for a moment. I officially declare myself the winner of the SingStar Challenge contest between because your judges have not followed my rules—followed not—followed not—not followed any rules or uploaded any videos. My judges have been following the rules and giving me scores, therefore because you don't have any scores you're out of the running and I am the true Christian Weston Chandler. Now, I dun care if you're stealing my original works, and comic pages and arts, and uploading them to a dimpy little website where no one will see them, bec—while the true comics are about to be published by [[Wikipedia:Dark Horse Comics|Dark Horse Comics]]. Yes, you heard it right, Dark Horse is wary fent—they are working fenderlessly, furiously, to create and draw and write the first [[Sonichu 0|Sonichu Episode 0 comic]] within accordance from [[Sega]] and [[Nintendo]]. Now they are also working with a certain[[Hex Box|Microsoft]] as well. My current on the project is they may hire me as production manager. So, you know, keep my fingers crossed. And another thing, I present to you another true Sonichu merchandise selling site is cwcstore.blogspot.com and it's your one stop shop for anything [[Sonichu]]-, [[Rosechu]]- or [[CWCville]]-related. I will show you a bit of the site right here. And on another note there uh uh gonna start selling [[Lego]] sets of CWCville along with uh, guides to the city. So, uh, be looking forward to that one, true believers! The uh, [[The Sonichu Chronicles|'''Sonichu Crystal Chronicles'']] games has come along pretty well. It's going to a, uh, [[Wikipedia:Role-playing video game|RPG-style game]], a role-playing game, and outside the city of CWCville. And, uh, it is currently being produced in tandem with Microsoft for the-mm, [[Hex Box|X-box 360]]. Look forward to the official revealing of it in the uh Da-Dallas Game Developers Conference. Ehm, anyways, uh, anyway, yeh, that's about it for now. Still making lots of money, rol—rolling in the—rolling in the dough, ya know and uh, WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS?

And to my, my darling sweetheart [[Kacey]], eventual, a light a magical lighthouse is randomly shone is a healing, guiding light upon previously shattered heart and tortured soul, and mending them back into good shape and form. One girl walked into my life like a [[Sailor Moon|sailor soldier]] who had just vanquished a heart snatcher. Bit by bit, I've noticed you're shining, lustrous hair, you're shiny blue Chaos Emerald-like eyes and personality—strong and caring, like a true buttercup bloom. I followed my recovered heart's instincts and followed you. As I got to know you over the months and my heart was growing stronger as I was falling for you. I blushed more strawberry pink than I ever had before and everything was shining like a sun's mellow color, yellow. For you I would travel even a thousand miles just to be with ya. Fortunately you lives only about two hours away from my house and uh, I meet you when we dates. This feeling that was, and still is, so pure and true, it's as if I was born to love you. When you smiles I feel like I'm walking on sunshine and I give my replying smile and gaze into your eyes. And your hair is the softest and most warm tingling. Cloud nine? I feel like I'm on ten! Kacey, my love, will you marry me? Peace.

==Aftermath==

After losing the contest, Ian uploaded [[The Contest NEVER was to Determine Who was Who]], where he pulled a massive [[retcon]] out of his ass and said the contest was just for [[lie|fun]].

This successful [[saga]] marked a new take on [[Jimmy Hill|previous attempts]] to make Ian believe that someone else was taking all the fame and glory of his [[Sonichu]] creation. By confronting a doppelgänger who was successful in everything he tried to be, Ian began to show a violent side of his psyche. While fruitlessly trying to prove that he was the [[TRUE and HONEST]] person, his actions produced a surge of content unparalleled to anything produced in [[2009]], even to the point of jump-starting the production of [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]].

==Sauces==
<references/>

{{succession|label=[[Liquid Chris|CWCivil War!]]|prevlink=[[CChanSonichuCWC Videos, June-July 2009]]|nextlink=[[SHOWDOWN: The TRUE CWC Confronts The FAKE]]|}}

{{SingStarChallenge}}
{{Music Videos}}
{{Template:The Cwcivil War of 2009}}

[[Category:Contests]]
[[Category:SingStar Challenge]]

[[Category:Chris-chan videos, July 2009| 2009-07-31]]
[[Category:Liquid Saga videos| 2009-07-31]]

User:Dann Woolf

2010-07-31T04:33:14Z

Dann Woolf:

<div style="clear:right; float:right; width:358px;">{{Eurofag}}</div>

Well, um. Welcome to my page.

I'm twenty-one, and I'm from the Netherlands. I've been following the whole CWC thing for ages now, but I only just signed up to this here wiki because, well I want to play a part in Chris's downfall.

Why? Because I'm also autistic, and I consider that fat greasy fuck's very existence an insult to myself and all autistic people around the world.

Also, when I look at Chris, I realize that if I'm not careful, I could end up the same way. Now I'm doing whatever I can to avoid a fate like his.

Stress

2010-03-11T22:45:44Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:Stress.jpg|thumb|right|Chris in stressed mode.]]

{{quote|Stress hinders the emotions and physical abiltites as swiftly as a bullet.|Chris on stress<ref name="IRC" />}}

'''Stress''' is the bane of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]'s existence.

When pressed on his 'high-functioning' autism and eventually learning that he cannot get away with blaming everything on said [[autism]], Chris discovered that "stress" works just as well. However, it's assumed that Chris could be confusing 'stress' with 'depression', refusing to admit that he is in fact, unhappy with his current situation, as well as the fact that Chris has never experienced actual stress in his life apart from his consistent paranoia over getting trolled.

When under the effects of stress, Chris will typically post videos without his glasses and talk in a more meek variation of his usual monotone speaking voice. It is during these periods of feeling stressed that Chris will opt to remove himself from the internet for about a week or so, and then come back feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and given a new resolve to finish the [[Love Quest|love quest]], usually accompanied by his latest [[Troll|sweet heart]]. This is most likely due to his autistic regenerative abilities that make sure that his heart never goes below 0% and into the negatives.

==Things that give Christian stress==

* Bullies.<ref name="IRC" />
* [[Trolls]].
* People at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|PVCC]].<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007]]</ref>
* "[A] father who starts more arguements than there are flies at a garbage dump".<ref name="IRC">[[IRC (20 January 2009)]]</ref>
* A [[Bob|father]] who doesn't wash his hands.<ref name="IRC20081231" />
* [[Pickles]].
* [[Wendy's|Getting a job]].
* Anything requiring him to leave the house.
* Doing any chores in the [[house]].<ref name="IRC" />
* The existence of [[ED|webpages]] outlining his many [[fail|failures]].
* [[Boyfriend-free girl|Asking girls to go out with him]].
* [[Autistic|His "mental block" of autism]].
* [[Chris and his Ego|Talking to anyone about anything except himself]].
* Being told things he doesn't like to hear.
* Having drawings of him finger-banging [[Megan]] confused with [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]].
* [[Jimmy Hill|Copyright Issues]].
* [[Homo|His daily struggle against becoming homosexual]].
* Being accused of homosexuality.
* [[Gay4Sonichu|His characters being accused of homosexuality]].
* [[Blanca|Finding out his internet girlfriend broke up with him because of the Pickle Man]].<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate October 21st, 2008]]</ref>
* [[PandaHalo|Finding out his internet girlfriend died in a brushfire]].
* [[Sarah Jackson|Finding out his internet girlfriend was killed by Optimus Prime in a tragic car accident]].
* [[Julie|Finding out his internet girlfriend is a 13 year old boy]].
* [[Ivy|Finding out his internet girlfriend doesn't exist]].
* [[Kacey|Finding out his internet girlfriend is marrying someone else]].
* People [[Chris and death|dying]].<ref name="IRC" />
* Finding out that [[Emily|his date]] was a mole working for The [[Man in the Pickle Suit]].
* Being famous.<ref name="IRC20081231">[[IRC (31 December 2008)]]</ref>
* Being [[Asperchu|parodied]].
* Being [[Chris and his ego|criticized]] or [[White knight|corrected]].
* Having his identity [[CChanSonichuCWC|questioned]].
* [[Megan|His hormones]].<ref>[[Megan E-mails#Chris continues bothering her about ED|Megan E-mails]]</ref>
* Anything slightly inconvenient.
* Anything that Autism isn't an excuse for.

==Things that relieve Chris's stress==

* [[Mass debating]].<ref>[[Chris Sex Logs#I am perverted]]</ref>
* Having a sweetheart resetting his [[biological clock]].
* The prospect of having a "sex time."

==Things Christian does whilst stressed==

* [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|Shits himself]].
* Cries.
* Becomes less/more productive than usual.
* Rages about his "pitiful adult life" in YouTube videos.
* Rages at his [[Mailbag|mailers]].
* Sends [[death threats]].
* Abuses his [[PSEye|cameras]].
* Crashes Into Slumber.
* Becomes increasingly homophobic.<ref>[[Mumble 8]]</ref>
* [[Stress sigh|Sighs excessively]].
* Suffers from [[Sports bra|memory loss]].
* Draws hideous hardcore pornography of his friends and furry avatars.<ref>[[Mailbag 42]]</ref>

==Sauces==
<references />

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Sweetheart

2010-03-06T15:23:59Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:Boyfriend-free girls.jpg|thumb|140px|Potential sweethearts surrounding Chris. Note: this never happened.]]

'''Sweetheart''' is [[Chris]]'s term for his true love ("'''heartsweet'''" is also used in the comics). His goal is to build a [[sweetheart from the ground-up]] to give birth to his God-chosen daughter, [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal Weston Chandler]] (named after the [[fail|illustrious metal]] and [[Chris and his Ego|a name similar to his own]]).

Providing Chris with a sweetheart who is really a [[troll]] has been a sport for trolls for some time now. With the exception of [[Julie]], none of the trolls have revealed themselves. Some argue that this is because being a sweetheart to Chris is sort of like Stockholm syndrome, leading trolls such as [[Blanca]] and [[Panda]] to identify and sympathize with their captor.

Notable in that Chris has absolutely no interest in a girl's personality, skills, talents or intelligence, but is very strict that a sweetheart MUST be cute, younger than him, white, and other such completely superfluous qualities. He will always say that his life goal is having a "Cute Girl" as his sweetheart. And yet he constantly considers himself a strong advocate of [[Women's Rights]].

==Qualifications to becoming a TRUE and HONEST sweetheart of Chris==
The qualifications to be his sweetheart would usually be spelled out in media such as the [[Attraction Sign]] and at the end of every [[Sonichu's News Dash]]. Recurring traits include:
* MUST be [[boyfriend-free girl|boyfriend-free]]. ''(can't emphasize that enough!)'' [[kacey|However, not even they are totally safe from Chris.]]
* MUST be 18 - (Chris's current age).
* MUST be white (NO [[Niggo|DARKIES]] - unless it's [[Fuck_Quest|just for sex]], in which case [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg | Chris is fine with niggos]]).
:*According to [[IRC_(17_December_2008)|an IRC chat]]; Asians, Arabs and anybody but niggos are fair game.
* MUST have a [[car]].
* MUST not be a mother.
* MUST be a [[tobacky|non-smoker]]
* MUST have a mid to high salary.
* MUST live within 30 miles of the [[Ruckersville]] area.
* MUST NOT be a [[Jerkop|cop]].
* MUST NOT have [[Autism]].
* MUST NOT be a [[BlueSpike|man]].
*<strike> IRISH need NOT apply.</strike> Irish are alright, as long as they're not darkies.

If you fit all of the criteria and are into [[obesity|overweight]], [[chris_and_sex|freakish]], [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|perverse]], [[Sonichu_(comic)|man-children]], then God help you!

[[Image:CWCRockin4Way.jpg|thumb|right|Chris's [[Guitar Hero|rock star]] fantasy. Apparently [[Niggo|niggos]] are fine now, at least when it comes to sex.]]

Throughout the ages, Chris has lowered his standards slightly. For instance, Chris's original demanded NO FATTIES but made an exception for [[Sarah Jackson]]. Likewise, Chris disapproved of redheads but made an exception for [[Ivy]]. The most noticeable deviation is from his original requirement that women approach him IRL as opposed to phone or e-mail, but following a wave of e-mails from [[trolls|women]] wanting to be his e-girlfriend, he has changed his tune. Ironically, this was the best standard as he would have saved so much grief from trollings.

Despite [[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|having said that]] girls should go after poorer, less attractive guys because "they will likely have a better personality", he doesn't seem to think that the same applies for the opposite gender, still insisting that a sweetheart for him must be very rich and attractive.

As of May 2009, when he started to embark on his "[[fuck quest]]", he has since returned to only IRL encounters (insisting that women find Chris "by chance", essentially requiring women to wander around [[Charlottesville]] until they find him). While he may still insist on "non-black" women as his sweethearts, an [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg|image]] has surfaced in September 2009, showing us that Chris does not have problems fingering [[Niggo|niggos]].

==See also==
*[[Love quest]]
*[[Fuck quest]]
*[[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Brbqi6QUuiI Sweetheart the Movie]

{{Sweethearts}}

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Stress

2010-03-06T15:12:56Z

Dann Woolf:

[[Image:Stress.jpg|thumb|right|Chris in stressed mode.]]

{{quote|Stress hinders the emotions and physical abiltites as swiftly as a bullet.|Chris on stress<ref name="IRC" />}}

'''Stress''' is the bane of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]'s existence.

When pressed on his 'high-functioning' autism and eventually learning that he cannot get away with blaming everything on said [[autism]], Chris discovered that "stress" works just as well. However, it's assumed that Chris could be confusing 'stress' with 'depression', refusing to admit that he is in fact, unhappy with his current situation, as well as the fact that Chris has never experienced actual stress in his life apart from his consistent paranoia over getting trolled.

When under the effects of stress, Chris will typically post videos without his glasses and talk in a more meek variation of his usual monotone speaking voice. It is during these periods of feeling stressed that Chris will opt to remove himself from the internet for about a week or so, and then come back feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and given a new resolve to finish the [[Love Quest|love quest]], usually accompanied by his latest [[Troll|sweet heart]]. This is most likely due to his autistic regenerative abilities that make sure that his heart never goes below 0% and into the negatives.

==Things that give Christian stress==

* Bullies.<ref name="IRC" />
* [[Trolls]].
* People at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|PVCC]].<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007]]</ref>
* "[A] father who starts more arguements than there are flies at a garbage dump".<ref name="IRC">[[IRC (20 January 2009)]]</ref>
* A [[Bob|father]] who doesn't wash his hands.<ref name="IRC20081231" />
* [[Pickles]].
* [[Wendy's|Getting a job]].
* Anything requiring him to leave the house.
* Doing any chores in the [[house]].<ref name="IRC" />
* The existence of [[ED|webpages]] outlining his many [[fail|failures]].
* [[Boyfriend-free girl|Asking girls to go out with him]].
* [[Autistic|His "mental block" of autism]].
* [[Chris and his Ego|Talking to anyone about anything except himself]].
* Having drawings of him finger-banging [[Megan]] confused with [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]].
* [[Jimmy Hill|Copyright Issues]].
* [[Homo|His daily struggle against becoming homosexual]].
* Being accused of homosexuality.
* [[Gay4Sonichu|His characters being accused of homosexuality]].
* [[Blanca|Finding out his internet girlfriend broke up with him because of the Pickle Man]].<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate October 21st, 2008]]</ref>
* [[PandaHalo|Finding out his internet girlfriend died in a brushfire]].
* [[Sarah Jackson|Finding out his internet girlfriend was killed by Optimus Prime in a tragic car accident]].
* [[Julie|Finding out his internet girlfriend is a 13 year old boy]].
* [[Ivy|Finding out his internet girlfriend doesn't exist]].
* [[Kacey|Finding out his internet girlfriend is marrying someone else]].
* People [[Chris and death|dying]].<ref name="IRC" />
* Finding out that [[Emily|his date]] was a mole working for The [[Man in the Pickle Suit]].
* Being famous.<ref name="IRC20081231">[[IRC (31 December 2008)]]</ref>
* Being [[Asperchu|parodied]].
* Being [[Chris and his ego|criticized]] or [[White knight|corrected]].
* Having his identity [[CChanSonichuCWC|questioned]].
* [[Megan|His hormones]].<ref>[[Megan E-mails#Chris continues bothering her about ED|Megan E-mails]]</ref>
* Anything slightly inconvenient.
* Anything that Autism isn't an excuse for.

==Things that relieve Chris's stress==

* [[Mass debating]].<ref>[[Chris Sex Logs#I am perverted]]</ref>
* Having a sweetheart resetting his [[biological clock]].
* The prospect of having a "sex time."

==Things Christian does whilst stressed==

* [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|Shits himself]].
* Cries.
* Becomes less/more productive than usual.
* Rages about his "pitiful adult life" in YouTube videos.
* Rages at his [[Mailbag|mailers]].
* Sends [[death threats]].
* Abuses his [[PSEye|cameras]].
* Crashes Into Slumber.
* Becomes increasingly homophobic.<ref>[[Mumble 8]]</ref>
* [[Stress sigh|Sighs excessively]].
* Suffers from [[Sports bra|memory loss]].
* Draws hideous hardcore pornography of his friends and furry avatars.<ref>[[Mailbag 42]]</ref>

==Sauces==
<references />

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

File talk:Rawr fag.jpg

2010-03-04T16:42:07Z

Dann Woolf:

Total nightmare material --[[User:Briscoe|Briscoe]] 22:28, 17 January 2010 (UTC)
*Every time he shows his fangs like that I get the impression he wants to bite somebody. [[User:V3N0M1300|V3N0M1300]] 22:45, 17 January 2010 (UTC)

And though all of this, the Sonichu Medallion smiles.--[[User:MoarLurk|MoarLurk]] 01:27, 8 February 2010 (UTC)

He looks like he's laughing to me. --[[User:Dann Woolf|Dann Woolf]] 16:42, 4 March 2010 (UTC)