CWCki - User contributions [en]

Church audio

2011-02-17T19:47:00Z

Davelaccard: /* 01:36:04 - "That's that" */ Fixed a code error - added "open bracket" to a font tag.

On 15 [[March 2009]], [[Robert Simmons V]] and an undercover [[Man in the Pickle Suit]] visit Chris's [[Chris and Religion|church]] and approach the [[Chris|manchild]] in the flesh unsuspectingly.

The '''audio recording''' of this event lasts 1:47:48. Throughout, Chris's voice is much louder than everyone else's.

Chris says he's keeping his distance from instant messages. He'd rather not talk about who hacked his Yahoo! account. [[Bob]] is there, but Chris reveals that [[Barbara]] usually stays home.

Chris excuses himself to leave Bob to talk to Robert for a few minutes. Bob talks about jerks on the internet, Chris's condition, and early video games. When Chris comes back, he realizes that it's funny both Bob and Robert have the same name.

Chris talks about Robert's trouble with finding a [[girlfriend]]. Chris has made the final decision to talk to local girls instead of ones on the [[Internet]]. He's gotten encouragement from [[Rocky]] with ''[[How to Talk to Girls]]''. He talked to 7 girls just last Thursday at [[Alderman Library]], but got a fake number. Chris was emotionally prepared for the fake number thanks to ''Seinfeld''. Bob mentions the [[Sonichu Girls]] club.

Chris rambles on about ''[[Family Guy]]'' and Stewie quoting the Bible against [[homo]]sexuality. His copy of the bible with Leviticus is different from the church's because it was a graduation gift from Reverend Shin of the Korean church in Chesterfield County. Bob talks about his time in [[CWCville|North Korea]].

After asking Robert for a pen, Chris makes his signature and hands it to Robert, [[Chris and his ego|saying it could be valuable one day.]]

They start reciting verses and singing hymns for many minutes. Chris gets to pick a verse for everyone to sing. Bob gets the second pick. Then other people pick. Chris [[Autism|wails over everyone else]] in some of them.

Afterward, Robert reunites with the other troll. They drive away contemplating on Leviticus, raping [[Emily]] and other unrelated nonsense.

==Transcript==

===00:00:00 - Pre-Troll Warmup===
'''Robert Simmons V''': It's rolling now, so... (noise and pops) Is it recording still? Yes it is. Oh yeah. Not good. (a few seconds pass) Citizens of the Internet! This is Robert Simmons V, better known as Sonichufan1985, -1986 and now, -1987. I wish you all a good morning! The reason I am talking today on this voice recorder is to talk about about how I'm gonna meet Mr. Christian Chandler, my personal hero. Now, although if you're looking at my old account, Sonichufan1986, you would think that I don't like Mr. Chandler. That's a lie, a slanderous lie.

(unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Maybe I should just talk normal. You think he wouldn't even fuckin'...

'''Troll #1''': Okay, you heard Julie, right?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah

'''Troll #1''': So you heard that.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah. I'll just talk like he's probably still a threat.

'''Troll #1''': (Does an impersonation of Chris, unintelligible quote) "Window to hell". Did you hear about that quote?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah yeah yeah, there's this retard or something...?

'''Troll #1''': Yeah we were talking about it on IRC and (becomes unintelligible) he-he's kind of a window to hell... and he also said that people in wheelchairs are are mentally retarded. I know. Stephen Hawking?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Doesn't fucking matter. He's fucking retarded. Evil Shenanigans...

'''Troll #1''': He thinks Clyde took Julie hostage that one time.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.

'''Troll #1''': He's like, "Ok, if you don't do-if you don't say you're gay I will lop off her arm," and he said "Oh, I-I'm a gaybian." Remember that?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, yeah.

'''Troll #1''': (laughs)

'''Troll #1''': (mockingly) I'm gay.

'''Robert Simmons V''': I'm gay.

'''Troll #1''': I'm gay.

(laughter)

'''Troll #1''': I'm a male lesbian.

(unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': I spoke to one of my friends after I called you and he's like, "That sucks." He's like, "Really?" (mocking) "No, not really..."

(laughter)

(random chatter, mostly unintelligible, much dealing with recent happenings with Chris)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Do you know what car he drives?

'''Troll #1''': Uh... probably the Son-chu car?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Do you remember what his parents drive?

'''Troll #1''': Shit, nah... I dunno.

(More chatter, Robert asks about a Pickle Suit)

===00:06:27 - A Wild Chris-Chan Appears===

(the sounds of people inside the church are heard)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Hi, I'm Robert!

'''Chris''': Robert Simmons the Fifth?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes sir.

'''Chris''': Oh my God. Ni-Nice to meet ya.

'''Robert Simmons V''': That's good, that's good. I want to apologize my uh... my um Sonichufan1986 page was hacked by Clyde Cash, so... so I want to apologize for that in case I sent you weird emails or YouTube stuff.

'''Chris''': (chuckles) Well, I understand. Nice to meet you, Bob.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Is it okay if I come to church with you? I'm actually like here for us... you know, for my... vacation.

'''Chris''': Sure, you know. You're welcome.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh, Thank you.

'''Chris''': Did you uh talk to Elizabeth our pastor?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh, no. Do you know where I can find her?

'''Chris''': Uh yeah, she's in her office if you want to go say hello.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay. (walking) Hi! I don't mean to bother, I'm just here to just uh... I'm actually we're here on vacation meeting some people... Is it okay if I come to church though?

'''Elizabeth''': Of course!

'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay, awesome, thank you.

(more walking, random chatter)

'''Chris''': My dad... you know (drowned out by noise)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Is your mom... is coming as well? Or is she feeling sick?

'''Chris''': No... No she usually stays home.

'''Robert Simmons V''': I see. So how's everything with you?

'''Chris''': [[Stress sigh|'sigh']] Things have been going good. Keepin... Keeping my distance from the ah instant messages and whatnot. Kind of... you know. It's been peaceful. Unfortunately the Sonichu site has been... uh... has been down for uh... 'bout a week-r... 'bout a week or two. Since uh... Yeah since my Yahoo account got... got uh hacked into... and all tha-and all that jazz.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Mhm. Do you know who hacked it?

'''Chris''': 'sigh' Yep. But I'd rather-I'd rather not talk about it.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay. That's fine.

'''Chris''': So did you hear about uh... did you hear about my recent, uh... internet romance with uh... [[BlueSpike#Julie|Julie Movanya]]?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Let me turn off my cell phone... Um...

===00:09:18 - In Walked Bob===

'''Chris''': Yeah, me too... Oh, [[Bob Chandler|Dad]], this is Robert Simmons the Fifth one of my Sonichu fans!

'''Robert Simmons V''': How's it going, Mr. Chandler?

'''Chris''': This is my father, Robert.

'''Bob Chandler''': Let me just go on by ya here... Let me just go on by ya here...

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh, thank you sir.

'''Chris''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': How is everything?

'''Bob Chandler''': I'm good.

'''Robert Simmons V''': That's good.

'''Chris''': I'll let you two chat for a bit I've gotta go (unintelligible)

'''Bob Chandler''': Chris is really into that stuff.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, so... Yeah... I'm sure that, like... I've heard there's, like, a lot of things going on, though.

'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, he's got enemies all over the world.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah...

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah... it's just a lot of jerks online.

'''Bob Chandler''': I'm 81... and I've seen a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot. But uh, whenever you're successful at something, from my experience, there are people that don't like that and they're out to get you for it.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, people can't, you know, appreciate some success and be happy for them you have to feel jealousy for it though...

'''Bob Chandler''': (laughs) Yeah, they want to knock you down.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.

'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, you know he's a high-functioning autistic, but he's come a looong way. I can remember, I was ticked off when he was six, and we were working with him and we didn't know what was wrong with him, and yet he didn't have the diagnosis.

'''Robert Simmons V''': mhm.

'''Bob Chandler''': I have a Commodore 64. If you've ever heard of those...

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, yeah! Um, my-my dad had one of those though, he also had... I think it's called Amiga?

'''Bob Chandler''': That's an actual system. Anyway, I taught him how to do that, and he was loading discs on that Commodore 64 and playing with it before he could talk.

'''Robert Simmons V''': (laughs)

'''Bob Chandler''': And of course after that... they came along with all sorts of video games.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, yeah.

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible) We got one of the first Nintendos... (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, I know how that is.

'''Bob Chandler''': I remember this one, what did they call it? Mario World?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, I've heard of that.

'''Bob Chandler''': That one's I spent 150-200 levels... and and after I got through King Koopa... I couldn't get off of Yoshi's Island... and I'm an engineer... or was. I'm retired now.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Uh huh.

'''Bob Chandler''': And I couldn't remember how to get off of Yoshi's Island... I couldn't remember what was coming next, well he got up to King Koopa in two days.

'''Chris''': (suddenly reappears) Haha, did you get a copy of this week's bulletin?

'''Bob Chandler''': He gets these games and I'm the one who ends up paying for them and he keeps them-

'''Robert Simmons V''': Haha, there's always renting, though. So... you could just go to Blockbuster and rent games for a couple days.

'''Bob Chandler''': I wish he'd do that, it'd save him some money.

'''Chris''': Hmm.

'''Bob Chandler''': Save me some money...

'''Chris''': Father, game's not so easy to beat nowadays... plus there's (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, that is true.

'''Bob Chandler''': You go to school here?

'''Robert Simmons V''': No, um I actually live in Christiansburg, So I'm meeting some-

'''Bob Chandler''': You live in Christiansburg?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes sir.

'''Bob Chandler''': That's a long drive.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes sir, it is.

'''Chris''': Yeah...

'''Bob Chandler''': That's up there near VPI, right?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes sir, Virginia Tech.

'''Bob Chandler''': I was in (unintelligible) for a lot of years.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh really?

'''Bob Chandler''': I worked for GE down there for about 15 years, then got transferred to uh (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Mhm.

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible) I like the Johnson area, it's beautiful there.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Very pretty. Yeah, I was driving down here this-uh this morning though and I was surprised though. I-I've never really been here (unintelligible) I have a couple of friends here, and... it was really foggy though. Um, I believe that it was 64?

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

===00:14:26 - The Love Quest Continues===

'''Chris''': (interrupts) Oh...Hey, uh father did uh Bob here tell ya that uh... you know it's funny you both are named Robert better yet you could both be called Bob! Yeah, anyway uh... he-uh he's been having trouble finding himself girlfriends too.

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.

'''Chris''': Yeah, by the way Bob, by the way Bob, uh for your information, uh... I've actually uh... after I spaced myself from the internets I made the fond decision to go back into uh local areas and start talking to girls, so I go-got some encouragement from Rocky. I also uh, I looked at this little uh, short picture-short uh red picture book by uh... that came from a 9-year old. Called "How to Talk to Girls".

'''Robert Simmons V''': hmm. mhm.

'''Chris''': It's by... Alec... Goldwin? Something like that? Anywa-Anyway it's like ten dollars. It's a good book.

'''Bob Chandler''': You should tell him he's gotta (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': yeah... Isn't there a dating service? That... isn't there? I'm sure there's a dating services around here, right?

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': yeah, yeah.

'''Chris''': Anyway, I talked to seven girls uh this last Thursday over at uh... Alderman library. So that was-that was a big start for me. I mana-I managed to get a phone number out of one of them but unfortunately it was a fa-Unfortunately it was a bad number. You know...

'''Robert Simmons V''': Maybe, did you...

'''Chris''': The number wasn't-It wasn't a number that was in service.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh...

'''Bob Chandler''': (In the background, unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': mhm.

'''Chris''': F-F-Fortunately I was prepared for that... you know. (pauses for a few seconds) Anyway I was emotionally prepared for that, you know 'cause I'd seen a similar situation in an episode of Seinfeld... where... it was one where Elaine was giving was giving a fake phone number to most of the guys she met? And it went to this, uh... racing bet booth? And she's try-and at the end of the episode she's trying to... she-wrote the number on the back of her-on the back of a card that she ha-that she's like once punch away from getting a free sub! And she wanted that free sub!

'''Robert Simmons V''': (laughs)

'''Chris''': It's a funny episode... it's a funny episode... you watch Seinfeld?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Um... I used to, though, but, I don't think at least where I'm from they don't really show it anymore though.

'''Chris''': You can find it on the FOX stations or TBS...

'''Robert Simmons V''': oh, okay.

'''Chris''': Yeah, actually you know two back-to-back episodes most every night 7, 7:30 on TBS.

'''Robert Simmons V''': mhm... they also have Family Guy on TBS.

'''Chris''': Yeah, hey. Did you see the latest episode of Family Guy?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Probably not, no... I don't think so, it was-

'''Chris''': It was last Sun-it was last Sunday. They isolated - and injected into Peter - the gay gene.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh really?

'''Chris''': It lasted for only two and a half weeks. Durli-d-d-during th-during like the first quarter of the-ah the episode, Peter bought for two dollars... a mentally challenged horse. Brain damaged. It was like-he was li-he always gave him like this blank stare...

'''Robert Simmons V''': uh huh... so what'd he do with the horse?

'''Chris''': (chuckles) He put th-He put the horse in the race and then the horse-

'''Robert Simmons V''': Did it win?

'''Chris''': No.

'''Robert Simmons V''': (Laughs)

'''Chris''': No, but the horse ran into the crowd and uh cause a whole bunch of chaos and then the horse died of a heart attack from the excitement.

'''Robert Simmons V''': ohhh.

'''Chris''': And Peter chucked it into Mort's drug store... Mort's pharmacy.

'''Robert Simmons V''': ahh... hmm.

'''Chris''': And Mort's was like, "Oh, I like the days where they'd just throw... they'd just throw uh poo in a bag and uh...

'''Bob Chandler''': (In the background, unintelligible)

===00:18:10 - Seth MacFarlane & The Bible===

'''Chris''': Yeah but anyway, later on in- but anyway... Ahh but anyway later on in the same episode, uh Stewie... brings up a quote... from the Bible, That pretty much uh... spells out for-spells out best in a nutshell, which I did a short-

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, I saw that though... Leviticus?

'''Chris''': Yeah, Leviticus 18:22. 'sigh' Right there. "No man will lie with a man as one lies with a woman. It is detestable." And then you can read the, uh... read the uh beforehand about uh... what was said to Moses, yadda yadda yadda, and then in the end what happens to those who... commit any of these uh... rules that are unlawful... in sexual relations includi-including animals. Doing it with animals, that's-that's just... detestable and bogus...

'''Robert Simmons V''': What page is that? 101?

'''Chris''': No no, it's- uh well mine's a different bible from theirs but you're-you're in the right area. Leviticus 18:22.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Alright...

'''Chris''': Yeah, my Bible is uh... different from the church's, uh... from this church's bible. I got mine from our uh... Reverend Shin of the uh... Korean church in Chesterfield County, dad?

'''Bob Chandler''': That's right. It was Presbyterian... I wonder where they come for church... anyway they're mostly Presbyterian...

'''Chris''': Yeah...

'''Robert Simmons V''': mhm.

'''Chris''': Anyway, it was a graduation gift from them.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh.

'''Bob Chandler''': (mostly unintelligible, what can be heard mentions spending time in North Korea)

'''Chris''': Yeah, North Korea in the Signal Corps, right dad?

'''Bob Chandler''': Before the Korean war, I was in Korea (the rest of the story becomes unintelligible due to crowd noise)

'''Chris''': I will!

'''Robert Simmons V''': oh okay

'''Bob Chandler''': (assumed he continues his story, unintelligible due to crowd noise)

As Bob continues his story, Chris mumbles something.

'''Chris''': Oh, Chapter One... 18.

Bob continues talking, while Chris mumbles a bit more and does a "hmm" now and again. We hear shuffling through the pocket where the recorder is hidden.

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Um...

'''Bob Chandler''': Blacksburg is over... over by there, isn't it?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, they're-they're... Christiansburg and Blacksburg are right next to each other. Um... I had to go to 81 before I could get to 64.

'''Chris''': hmmm

'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, 81 goes for a while then you make a turn and go north. (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, real foggy too and-

'''Bob Chandler''': You drove down this morning, then?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, fog and-I-I was wondering why they had lights on the road until it's all...

'''Bob Chandler''': Well now you know... Yeah, that's... that's a pretty good drive (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.

'''Chris''': Hmmm.

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, it's about two and a half.

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': (chuckles)

'''Chris''': hmmm.

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': (laughs)

'''Chris''': hmmm.

'''Bob Chandler''': That's the big blue ridge where we are... we live... we live just north of here in Ruckersville, and off to the west (unintelligible) about seven-eight miles (unintelligible)... you can see it from our front door.

'''Robert Simmons V''': hmm.

'''Bob Chandler''': In fact the western edge of it goes right along the parkway.

'''Robert Simmons V''': oh really?

'''Chris''': Uh Bob, would you-would you like to sign the registration pad?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Sure.

'''Chris''': Ju-Just sign it on this line, and you can optionally put in your phone number and address-

'''Robert Simmons V''': okay.

'''Chris''': -you don't have to.

'''Robert Simmons V''': ...alright

===00:23:38 - The Service Begins===

'''Robert Simmons V''': here, you can have that back.

'''Chris''': Thanks... oh, just put it back in the pew.

'''Robert Simmons V''': oh, okay.

'''Chris''': There's one in the pew.

(30 seconds later...)

'''Chris''': Hey, lemme see your pen for a second there, Bob.

(30 seconds later...)

'''Chris''': There ya are. You hold onto that, 'cause that could be valuable one day.

'''Robert Simmons V''': ...sure.

(something is mentioned about the piano needing to be fixed, it is turned into a joke about firewood)

'''Chris''': aww

'''Chris''': that's horrible

===00:26:19-1:33:00 - Churching Highlights===

'''00:28:37 (Chris is chosen to pick a Hymn)'''

'''Chris''': Ah... let's do verse one of 733.

(Chris chooses Marching to Zion and sings loudly and off-key)

===00:29:50 (Bob picks a Hymn)===

'''Bob Chandler''': 95.

'''Elizabeth''': 95?

'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)

'''Elizabeth''': 95... and do you have a favorite verse?

'''Bob Chandler''': The one and only.

'''Elizabeth''': There's only one?

(People in the church chuckle while Chris laughs loudly)

(The Hymn starts and Chris once again sings loudly and off-key)

(A Hymn with a ridiculous page number is called out)

'''Chris''': I'm looking... 2235 B? Oh. Oh, here it is.

(Chris continues to sing the rest of the hymns off-key and loudly)

===00:48:15 (Other High Functioning Autistics)===

(Elizabeth is talking about a new family in the parish)

'''Chris''': Dawson is their, uh... their autistic son. He's high functioning autistic.

===01:33:35 - TTE: TACTICAL TROLL EXTRACTION===
'''Not Elizabeth''': Hi, your name's Robert?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes.

'''Not Elizabeth''': Very nice to meet you. Very good to have you here today!

'''Robert Simmons V''': Thank you. I like this place, a lot.

'''Not Elizabeth''': Good! Well, hope you come back some day!

(Chris and Robert are talking. It is impossible to understand them due to the organ)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay, well you take it easy, okay?

'''Chris''': (unintelligible due to crowd noise)

(much of the rest of the conversation is unintelligible because of the crowd)

'''Chris''': Well, you take care, okay?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay.

===01:36:04 - "That's that"===

'''Robert Simmons V''': You know, it's very odd 'cause... for such a progressive church though, he was reading Leviticus and shit. Well... he got that from Family Guy.

'''Troll #1''': He looks... for any justification he can find. So what did he say to you?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh nothing... we were just talking and shit, yeah. He told me... like, he knew I was in Australia or some bullshit?

(both break into laughter)

'''Robert Simmons V''': I got a souvenir too, by the way. By-By the way, I need to turn off the goddamn thing...

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, whatever, I mean...

'''Robert Simmons V''': (commenting on traffic)...I should have gone... oh well.

'''Troll #1''': Fuckin' awesome haha

'''Robert Simmons V''': I met him, I... you know, I have his cell phone number, which I guess, like, everyone already has.

'''Troll #1''': Yeah

'''Robert Simmons V''': So I think I might actually call him on my cellphone. Hopefully like he won't give it away...

'''Troll #1''': Probably not.

'''Robert Simmons V''': I don't know... Pretty badass, huh?

'''Troll #1''': Yeah.

(both break into laughter)

'''Troll #1''': I think he'll recognize me when I steal his girl, when I steal his date.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Ugh... well, maybe you should get makeup or something. Green, green makeup.

'''Troll #1''': I... I don't really give a fuck.

 '''Robert Simmons V''': I do! Fuck, man! (laughs)

'''Troll #1''': No no no I don't think he'll connect me and you

'''Robert Simmons V''': Well, okay. Well maybe, you know, that would explain your spying on us, like that would explain the recordings and shit, you know?

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah

(both laugh)

'''Robert Simmons V''': You'd better edit this shit to where I'm not saying "shit", you know it's always like, it's always like, it's always like...

'''Troll #1''': (makes noise)

(both laugh)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh, God... I don't want Clyde to have this shit image because he seemed like such a nice guy, dude!

'''Troll #1''': Aww!

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh yeah, look at this... did you see this?

(It can be assumed Robert is showing the Troll the signature given to him by Chris)

(both laugh)

'''Troll #1''': Oh my God...

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh yeah, look at this... did you see this?

'''Troll #1''': Well, I wrote down, um... what, uh... which...what things he recommended...

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.

'''Troll #1''': Marching to Zion, and Bob suggested Praise God from All... From all of our Saints Blood

'''Robert Simmons V''': This just... what's so funny, what's so interesting I find is Bob, you know, the Lumberjack, is bad-ass, though. He's a really pleasant guy, though.

'''Troll #1''': Yeah yeah

'''Robert Simmons V''': Um... the only problem I feel sorry for is he tried to justify like Chris and shit. Like, apparently like back when he was 6 he couldn't even talk.

'''Troll #1''': Yeah?

'''Robert Simmons V''': and uh, you know, 'cause he's fucking autistic

'''Troll #1''': right, right... God has a mute button on him, that's what he says.

'''Robert Simmons V''': ...what?

'''Troll #1''': Chris says that God put the mute button on him.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh... well, yeah. Anyways, um... other than being really SHITTY by the way, everybody - It's still all recording - Anyways... hopefully this will provide some entertainment for people, I dunno. But anyways, so um... - what the hell am I saying? oh yeah - so um... (laughs) God... DAMN! (laughs) That dude, you know... you know, it seemed like, "What the hell is that guy wearing a fucking Hardees jacket? You know, that guy looks really fucking sketchy as hell!" (troll laughs) And I go, "Mr. Chandler?" And he go-And he didn't know me for a second. "I'm Robert Simmons Fifth", and h-and he knew me, it's like, and he still thinks I'm awesome!

(both laugh)

'''Robert Simmons V''': I'm so happy! you know...

'''Troll #1''': Aw yeah, that's awesome.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah... but he gave me his cell phone number which I've-I have to call him up. I can't wait to show my fucking buddies at Tech, man.

(both laugh)

'''Troll #1''': That's pretty funny, man!

(both laugh)

'''Robert Simmons V''': I don't kn-I would lend it to you if you have a scanner or something like that...

'''Troll #1''': I don't have a scanner.

'''Robert Simmons V''': I'll have to scan it at my, uh... at my fucking campus

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, it's cool, man... fucking awesome. You have a piece of internet history right here

(both laugh)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh my God... comin' from the guy who's driving a fucking white truck with the Obama sticker yeahhhhhh... I'm so happy I didn't have to do, (in Robert Simmons YouTube voice) "MR. CHANDLER!", you know? I'm so happy. I guess you can contribute that to being really nervous online or something like that, but... anyways, apparently Robert the Lumberjack, before he was a lumberjack, I should say - He was an engineer, worked for like GE, and he's been like-

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, yeah

'''Robert Simmons V''': So he's pretty badass...

'''Troll #1''': Well well, he k-well, Chris keeps on going on about how Bob invented plastic. That's what he tells people.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh shit.

'''Troll #1''': He tells people that Bob invented that. Now what Bob actually did was... he designed the controls for one of th- for one of th-the first plastic molding machines.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Mmhm

'''Troll #1''': Now... I think that probably Bob was probably just some sort of like low-level engineer or some shit like that... Now he's a cool guy, I'm just saying, I don't think-

'''Robert Simmons V''': He's not the plastic maker...

'''Troll #1''': yeah

'''Robert Simmons V''': That's more like, chemistry, I would think.

'''Troll #1''': You could probably take another person, another engineer and replace Bob with him and you'd get the exact same fucking thing.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah...

'''Troll #1''': Now, Bob's a cool guy, Bob's a, Bob's a lovable guy.

'''Robert Simmons V''': He is so... He is so awesome, though. Seriously. I actually, you know, I think people might be pissed when they're hearing this shit, 'cause like... I actually talked more to Bob 'cause he was interesting as fuck, though, and like, you know telling me about like the Commodore 64 and how, you know, before fucking Chris could speak, he was playing video games, though. And how, according to him (Bob voice) "124 levels, tryin' to get to Koopa" And he pulls out Yoshi's Island and I'm like, "Dude, you're talking about fuckin' four different games, dumbass." But, whatever, you know, he's old... I could see me saying that to my grandma, "Yeah, whatever grandma... Japan's awesome. right." So...

(both laugh)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Aww... goddamn. I should really stop this, but oh well. Like, the tape is...

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, whatever...

'''Robert Simmons V''': Anyways, um... so, yeah. Hopefully they'll like hear it all, though. Bob, I can definitely tell it's gonna be really hard to hear 'em. So...

'''Troll #1''': ...an Asian market and (unintelligible)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, it was surprising...

'''Troll #1''': Yeah?

'''Robert Simmons V''': A lotta weeaboos here in fuckin... UVA shit, man

'''Troll #1''': yeah?

'''Robert Simmons V''': yeah, I would assu-I don't know, I'm sure there's a, you know...

'''Troll #1''': There's weeaboos everywhere. Yeah...

'''Robert Simmons V''': There's a fun-there's these two shops called The Beholder's Eye and Fun & Games, two different shops and they, like pander to the Warhammer crowd and shit?

'''Troll #1''': Yeah?

'''Robert Simmons V''': So... which I'm not like, you know, against per-say, it's too nerdy for me though but I like the story and shit but I'm not gonna pay money for like you know fucking models and shit.

'''Troll #1''': Well, yeah b-

'''Robert Simmons V''': If Centennial's hearing this, like, if she will hear this and shit, yeah, fuck you, Centennial.

'''Troll #1''': (laughs)

'''Robert Simmons V''': Dawn of War's better.

'''Troll #1''': W-well like I'm a huge computer nerd and shit like that, and I would've, there's like so much shit that I want to get into, but I don't have the money and time...

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.

'''Troll #1''': Like my fucking classes? Fucking raping me.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, I'm also fuckin- I'm a fucktard with [[computers]] and shit, though. I'm relatively new. Should have, like... Should've seen me, and I like... I mean I talk to Cameron all the time though 'cause she's the most helpful, like, she's all motherly and shit.

'''Troll #1''': (laughs) Yeah...

'''Robert Simmons V''': So like, (Robert Simmons YouTube voice) "Uh, how do I do thiiiis?" I'm like Chris-Chan, you know, with fucking.

'''Troll #1''': You see, in high school for years... I couldn't drive? And like... my aunt didn't want to take me places?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.

'''Troll #1''': So all I did in my spare time was program, like, in my room. I just sat there and programmed 24/7. So I'm really fucking good at programming. That's the only thing I'm good at. I didn't play video games 'cause I couldn't play video games so all I did was program.

'''Robert Simmons V''': What time is it, by the way?

'''Troll #1''': It's... 12:23.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Alright. I guess... we can go find PetSmart but I wanna find it online, first.

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, okay.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes, we'll go see [[Emily|that bitch]].

'''Troll #1''': (laughs) it's gonna be a long time...

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, so... you don't even know what she looks like, right?

'''Troll #1''': Uh, no I don't know what she looks like. She blurred out her face in um... She put signs on his front lawn that said like, "Love, [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]" or some shit like that or [[Jimmy Hill]] or something like that. I know it at least said Encyclopedia Dramatica. She put pictures on his lawn and there's just pictures of her standing there looking like a dumbass... and um...

'''Robert Simmons V''': What a dumb bitch. Bottom line: She should be raped.

(both break into laughter)

'''Robert Simmons V''': We're gonna edit that shit out!

'''Troll #1''': But yeah, so um... (unintelligible) I'm just so fucking pumped to just stroll in there and say, "Hey Chris" or my buddy was saying, "Hey buddy, uh, mind if I talk to your sister here real quick?"

'''Robert Simmons V''': No, I don't know... hopefully he'll, like, he'll not... no, he's too stupid to put two and two together. I'm still safe.

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, yeah yeah... and if he started to he'd be like, "BOB, ARE YOU IN LEAGUE WITH THE PICKLE MAN?" and you'd be like, "No,"

'''Robert Simmons V''': No...

'''Troll #1''': "He tricked me!" and he'd be like, "Okay, okay..."

'''Robert Simmons V''': Is this... the place? No? It's not, fuck it. I gotta get some gas anyways. Shit... oh, there it is! That's the thing, it's so far away, it's like..., it's like off the road it's like "Am I... going to the right place?" Hmm. So. I think they're just going to go home then, I don't know. How was that church by the way? 'Cause... fuck!

'''Troll #1''': Boring as hell.

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah... I mean, I'm really surprised that the bitch was really progressive...

'''Troll #1''': Yeah.

'''Robert Simmons V''': It's mind boggling that Chris, like the first thing he showed me was Leviticus 18 about the...

'''Troll #1''': Wait... he showed you where?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Well, sitting with him and shit.

'''Troll #1''': Are you serious, he brought up fucking Leviticus? What the fuck? (Chris impression) "MAN WILL NOT LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN!"

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah...

'''Troll #1''': Are you fucking kidding me?

'''Robert Simmons V''': No, no... it's in here. so...

'''Troll #1''': Holy... Holy flying fuck. I know he did it in the video. This is in fucking real life? In fucking church?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, it's weird, too, because like, he got sort of from getting from the pastor, who obviously is, you know, very progressive.

'''Troll #1''': She was just talking about how you could like, "Doodily doodily do, laws don't matter, that's okay whatever."

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, exactly.

(both laugh)

'''Robert Simmons V''': "I CAN SAY 'FUCK' 'CAUSE IT'S THA DEVIL!" Yeah, I've heard preachers say, "YOU TELL THAT DEVIL TO GO TO HELL. WHAT? IT'S LEGAL!" so...

'''Troll #1''': Well, we have, um, we have one of those open air... well we have an open preacher who comes to my college every now and then,

'''Robert Simmons V''': mmhm

'''Troll #1''': And one of these days while he's there I wanna just go out and like hand out like pamphlets saying about... how like all of the health benefits of masturbation, right?

'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh yeah.

'''Troll #1''': And I'll be in my pickle suit, walking around like, I'm looking like a complete jackass. Who are they gonna pay attention to? You know, the guy who's telling me to go to hell or the guy who's telling how how good it is to touch your ding dong?

'''Robert Simmons V''': It's still going, an hour forty-seven... here you go. I'm retarded when it comes to electronics. (in the background) ...got his phone number and shit...

'''Troll #1''': Yeah, shit man.

'''Robert Simmons V''': If you've got a green (unintelligible) show it to me, alright?

'''Troll #1''': Yeah.

[[Category:Trolling]]

== External links ==

*[http://www.mediafire.com/?iwldnjimezz Full church audio]

([[Angelica|May God have mercy on your pitiful soul.]])

[[Category:Historical Documents]]

Autism Tutorial Extra

2011-02-16T21:55:23Z

Davelaccard: /* Higher Quality Video Swapped In */

{{quote|'''Ja!'''|Hans Asperger}}

'''Autism Tutorial Extra''' is a ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' level created by [[Chris]] where he proves, [[Aspergers (CWCipedia article)|once again]] that he's in complete denial of what [[Asperger syndrome]] really is. Interestingly, the level works in the same way for the [[Autism Tutorial]], as the [[Sub-Episodes]] did for the [[Sonichu comic]], namely with Chris proving his superiority over an obvious strawman by psychically assaulting him and then prattling on about how much unbearable torment the strawman in question has inflicted upon him. Chris also mispronounces Asperger as “Ass Burger” the entire time, [[Jack_Thaddeus_Phone_Call_2|showing he's learned nothing]].

==Video==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|Am4f9P5LPs8}}</Center>

===Transcript===
[[Image:Hans_asperger.jpg|thumb|right|Dr. Hans Asperger was a famed pediatrician whose work to improve the quality of life for autistic children earned him international renown and the admiration of thousands. In this video, Chris beats him up because he doesn't like his last name.]]
And now, ladies and gentlemen, because apparently after you decided to watch last part--after watching the Autism Tutorial, we have a special guest for you today! Please put your hands together for a reasonably facsimile of, Mr. Hans Asperger!

(Hans Asperger is seen at the far end of the stage. He has gigantic bulging eyes and wears a crown. Chris walks over to join him, standing [[Homos|almost intimately close]] to shake his hand, as a backdrop and desk fall from the sky to complete the talk-show atmosphere. The man recording the video chuckles in amusement. After Chris walks over to his desk, Hans smiles and waves to an audience silent as the grave.)

I am your host, Christian Chandler, on this '''[[Duck|short]]''' talk show. And this is Mr. Hans Asperger. Now, let's talk about him for a bit: Now, apparently--Mr. Hans Asperger. From the Vienna University Hospital in 1938--Oh, how ''recent!''--you gave a lecture in Germany, on "[[Chris|Autistic Psychopaths]]", after investigating a mild form of Autism. Isn't that right, Hans?

(Hans turns to face Chris.)

'''Hans:''' Ja!

(The man recording chuckles, and continues to snicker through Chris's next line.)

And also, apparently, this separate diagnosis, as it is quoted, was not recognized until 1981. Only one year before I was born. Although coined from your name, Mr. Asperger, apparently a Mr. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leo_Kanner Leo Kanner] took the study much further and established the term "Early Infantile Autism". Do you applaud Mr. Kanner for his work?

'''Hans:''' Ja!

(The recorder chuckles.)

''I see''. Now, in my feeling alone--possibly mutual with others--the name Asperger. It strikes me badly, and I feel offended just by hearing the word. Do you feel I have the right to my own opinions and feelings as an individual person, Hans?

'''Hans:''' Ja! (It is clear by now that Hans does not understand English.)

Thank you very much, good sir. Now, do you feel--do you feel bad about having a name that sounds like a bad cut of cow meat?

'''Hans:''' Ja!

Do you feel that I, Christian Weston Chandler, do not deserve any blame or punishment for having an opinion of a single word, such as Asperger?

'''Hans:''' Ja!

Do you have a general understanding about how I feel about you now?

(Something falls from the sky and lands atop Chris's desk.)

'''Hans:''' Ja!

(Chris walks over to Hans again, once again intimately close.)

Are you ''positive'' you really understand how I feel about you, Mr. Hans Asperger?

'''Hans:''' Ja!

(Chris gives a wide, deceptive smile as he goes back and forth with Hans.)

[[Random Access Humor|Yeah?

'''Hans:''' Ja!

Yeah?

'''Hans:''' Ja!

Yeah?

'''Hans:''' Ja!]]

(Chris is suddenly very annoyed. He bitch-slaps Hans to the ground, to the delight of the recorder. It is also revealed that Hans has a tail.)

[[Wikipedia:Baka_(fool)|Baka]]!

(Hans quickly regains his footing, facing away from Chris and looking over his shoulder in terror.)

I feel dislike towards you! ''(The chuckles of the recorder are very clear)'' For selfishly putting your ill name in association with autism! And with a name like Asperger! I feel it only makes us Autistic kind sound ''even worse!'' ''Aspergers.'' You shoulda left it as it was!. Autism is autism! And in your research you linked it up with psychopaths! I feel even more offended at ''that!'' Now get out of my sight!

'''Hans:''' Ja! (Hans quickly runs off the stage.)

(Chris looks out over the audience, crossing his hands in front of him.)

I do apologize for that, uh, rude outburst, [[Trolls|folks]]. But then again, that was just the way I felt and have been feeling about the word "Asperger" since I first heard it a few years ago. It is my second least favorite word, where my first least favorite of all time is "[[Naive]]". Again, I apologize if I came off as bad to anybody, or made them feel bad, for the way I acted. But then again, I do get emotional and carried away sometimes. Thank you for watching, and have a good, safe, and blessed day.

(The game cuts to Hans standing in some sort of Level Completion area, still terrified. He stands there, legs quaking, as the screen behind him rattles off the achievements. Some tiny explosions of what appear to be glass go off around Hans's head as the video ends.)

{{succession|label=[[Autism Tutorial|Autism Tutorial Videos]]|prevlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 6]]|nextlink=[[Autism Tutorial Extra|Current]]|}}

[[Category:LittleBigPlanet]]

Autism Tutorial Part 6

2011-02-16T21:54:52Z

Davelaccard: /* Higher Quality Video Swapped In */

'''Autism Tutorial Part 6''' is yet another non-interactive level in [[Chris]]'s so-called [[Autism Tutorial]] series. Chris starts off by once again complaining about the dreaded [[friend zone]], and how it restricts his access to [[china]]. The whole thing then devolves into a rant that echoes an earlier sentiment that Chris wants a cure for [[autism]]. The level ends with him finally returning the dance to [[Tiffany Gowen]] he expected to give her last year, via a [[LittleBigPlanet]] cutscene.

==Video==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|G6hSG0JcaZ0}}</Center>

===Transcript===

At this point, you would think I would be hap- a happier [[autistic]] person, right? Finally having the wom- the woman of my life to be here by my side, and care about each other and such for the rest of our lives? ([[stress]]-[[sigh]]) But, the truth is, for real... [[Mic]] and I, we don't hang out in person as much as we should be. Only phone conversations, and the few times we did hang out. And she does not know that many people here in [[Charlottesville]]. All things appreciated in our friendship... Mic is just ''too busy'' to help me best. (stress-sigh)

''(A text message appears reading "I'm sorry, Mic. You did what you could, and I always will appreciate it all. Good work, and thank you, friend.)''

Another thing about us autistic people, we do not like to be [[Chris|alone]] quote-unquote twenty-four-seven. We need the emotional support of a [[Gal-Pal|true friend]] constantly and in person. Also on another note, apparently [[Monthly Tugboat|government funding]] goes more towards physical health over [[Slow-in-the-minds|mental health]]. The brain is a part of our body, and not just any part, the most vital part! Why do we treat the rest of our body parts, which essentially ''alone'' are [[Chris|brainless]], better than our one actual central processing unit that is not brainless? As a part of the body, funds should be equally distributed, or equally divided, between both [[Duck|physical]] AND [[Autism|mental]] health. So that the cures for mental illnesses, including autism, can be found!

It just makes me feel sad and furious at this time. I for one [[Lies|actually appreciate]] a true and full good quality friendship. Yet in a world full of [[Chris|sick-minded]] people one can only detest, I feel so [[Stress|paranoid]] of a number of [[Trolls|people]]! And I feel uncertain of most anyone I could ever trust, an- or feel at ease around! The social [[Homos|phobias]], I can no longer [[Chris and Religion|tolerate]]. Which is why, [[Chris and His Ego|unlike the autistic people, who pitifully accept it as a forever-lasting curse, I for one seek a cure!]] On the day a resolution to re-establishing all connections in our brains, with thorough corpus callosum repair, and such, I, Christian Weston Chandler will be there among the first in line to take the life-changing autism cure I have desired for soo long! To establish a quicker, more socially-active mind, a great sense of self-esteem, a great sense of self-reliance, a great sense of self-confidence, total independence, and freedom from the thorns of autism of any kind or sssort!

...The life... only an autistic person can ever dream of. I am Christian Weston Chandler, and this has been an autism tutorial. Thank you, and have a good and safe day.

''(A text-only section follows as Sack-Chris fondles and gropes a poor defenseless Sack-Tiffany, who struggles in vain to free herself from Sack-Chris's clutches.)''

A little Extra for the Real Tiff, who Graduated with me from Manchester High's Class of 2000. Among all of my Gal-friends, she understood me the most. I really, truly would love a chance to hang out with her and talk and whatever. It really would mean a lot to me. If you are watching this, Tiff, I miss you a lot: Please, come and hang out with me for a while.

{{succession|label=[[Autism Tutorial|Autism Tutorial Videos]]|prevlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 5]]|nextlink=[[Autism Tutorial Extra]]|}}

[[Category:LittleBigPlanet]]

Autism Tutorial Part 5

2011-02-16T21:54:04Z

Davelaccard: /* Higher Quality Video Swapped In */

In '''Autism Tutorial Part 5''', [[Chris]] uses ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' to demonstrate how to "properly" introduce an [[autistic]] person to a new friend, but all it really does is ascertain that his only motivation for socializing with other people, is that doing so theoretically heightens his chances of getting that [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]] his [[duck]] so desperately hungers for. He then reenacts, yet again, an assault of [[Clyde Cash]].

Chris also fails to see the hypocrisy of demanding people treat him nicely because he's retarded, then telling people who are deformed or mentally challenged that he's frightened of them and wants them to stay away from him.
==Video==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|wS_Rxp8DIjw}}</Center>

===Transcript===

''(Rather than a voice-over, the first segment of the video is a text-only conversation between sack-Chris and several sack-imaginary girls.)''

Mic: Nonette, this is [[Christian Chandler]], but you may call him Chris. Chris, this here is Nonette Sehen.

Sack-Chris: Hey Nonette, you are a pretty woman, and I am happy to meet you.

''(The two Sack-people touch eachother, presumably symbolizing a handshake)''

Nonette: ''(clearly needs glasses)'' Well, I think you have a very good face, and I am delighted to meet you too.

''(Chris's melodic voice takes over narration for the remainder of the video)''

Now understand, ''this'' is what I'm talking about for us autistic people. We are too shy by default! But on earning our trust, or if we feel comfortable or like the other person on our indid-ividual instincts, we will open up. And to start us right, we need either: A) The other person to approach and talk to us, upon their own will, or B) have our own trusted friend or family introduce us to other people of our respective ages.

In this scenario, it was a great match for me, for A) she is a [[Boyfriend-free girl|single woman, without a boyfriend]]: B) she is pretty, and easy on my eyes. And C) this woman I could feel comfortable with, and feel a good and honest aura from her. From this a good friendship, and hopefully a [[sex|f-]] a long relationship will stay between us for the long time. (Voice deepens with hatred) Do not bring me down here, naysayers and [[Trolls|haters]].

Lets look at a few other scenarios of similar to opposite results. Obviously, most women: ''[Subtitle: "I mean NO Personal Offense whatsoever to Any Individual Person or Group of People."]'' Easy on my eyes, good-humored, sweet, pretty... [[Niggo|black]], white, [[Punchy|Asian]], Christian, [[Michael Snyder|Jewish]], Buddhism, I have no, c- I have no care about skin color or religion, whatever. I will be kind to all of them, respectful and welcoming them, to have them in my circle of friends. Lesbians, too... Just don't get on my bad side here. ''[Subitle: "To clarify, the 'Don't get on my bad side' part refers to All Women in general'"]''

[[JERKS|Men]], my own... ''kind'', on the other hand, I would feel most hesitant towards. Because I have had fewer male friends in my life, and I have had mostly bad experiences around them. ''Plus'', and this is very important, in my autism test it was found that I get along better with women, well over ''men''. ''[Subtitle: "I mean NO Personal Offense whatsoever to Any Individual Person or Group of People."]'' And considering my life experiences and my own opinion, I totally agree with that. If the, uh, individual, however, offers a, uh, friendly gesture, and does not make me [[Chris and anger|angry]] or make me feel most uncomfortable, or ill at ease, I will be willing to give him a chance and welcome him as a friend, and nothing more. ''[Subtitle: "**PLATONICALLY Friendly**"]''

However, going back to the mean people of the internet... Upon meeting one of them in real life - and I will be able to recognize them sure enough, at least with basic instincts - I will not hold back my endured rage. Just ask this crying [[Clyde]]. ''(A scene of a livid Sack-Chris smacking Sack-Clyde follows before the narration continues.)''

Physically and [[Slow-in-the-minds|mentally challenged]] individuals will vary more. Good results upon if they are easy to look at, if they are able to speak clearly, even ''slooowly'', that I can easily understand them. ''[Subtitle: "I mean NO Personal Offense whatsoever to Any Individual Person or Group of People."]'' And now, uh, the other part, the other side, whoa, back off! I'm spooked if you are [[Chris and Fashion#The "Gay Trucker" outfit|ugly]], [[Duck|seriously disfigured]], especially in the face, that you [[Chris and English|mumble more than you speak]], you're [[Speech impediment|hard to understand]] at all. It is nothing personal, and I apologize for anyone who feels at unease after hearing what I just said, but [[Chris and Hypocrisy|it's just the way I feel.]] That's all.

{{succession|label=[[Autism Tutorial|Autism Tutorial Videos]]|prevlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 4]]|nextlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 6]]|}}

[[Category:LittleBigPlanet]]

Autism Tutorial Part 4

2011-02-16T21:52:58Z

Davelaccard: /* Higher Quality Video Swapped In */

In '''Autism Tutorial Part 4''', [[Chris]] uses his ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' soapbox to rail at society at large for ignoring him, not letting him do whatever ''he'' wants, and shunning him for being creepy.

Chris starts off by describing [[Charlottesville]], and how it should be what he wants to replace the [[internet]]: "a social hotspring." However, Chris being Chris, he doesn't seem to understand why people avoid him in public, and blames some moral deficiency present in everyone else. Chris tries to demonstrate how [[Attraction Sign|socializing]] with him should work (SPOILER: everyone else does the work). He again demands respect, in what must be another ineffectual attempt to restore his reputation.

==Video==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|gCXlpTb0FmU}}</Center>

===Transcript===

''(Chris's voice is trembling with obvious [[stress]] throughout the entirety of the presentation)''

Only about ten miles south of [[Ruckersville, VA|Ruckersville]], [[Virginia]], is ''[[Charlottesville]]'' Virginia, historic home town of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Jefferson Mr. Thomas Jefferson], [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_monroe Mr. James Monroe], and [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Madison Mr. James Madison]. Lewis and Clark also started their famous expedition from this area.

The expensive [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|mall]] of downtown Charlottesville houses a number of [[The GAMe PLACe|small businesses]], as well as the show-stopping pavilion tent and the Paramount Theatre. This, as well as the Fashion Square Shopping Center, should ''both'' be social watering holes, but for me, sadly, ''they are not.''

Anywhere herein, even including the bars and events like [[Fridays After Five]], nobody will even look or say hello to me. And of course the internet reputation I have against me... sadly thanks to those gross people that have taken my information... and... ''s-s-strew it around'' in their [[Lies|misconceptions of weirdness, twisting everything.]] I've already gotten into how bad that has half-fected me and how emotionally scarred I have a been. Back to social life, the [[autism]] increases my shyness, so I ''hardly'' have even the basic instinct to just say "hello" to anyone, or even open up so easily with trust. I need other people to come up and talk to me fir- (Abrupt jump-cut)

[[File:ShecameforCWC_(200803).JPG|thumb|right|Chris being a good friend.]]
Allow me to make it perfectly clear about who I am so I am not misunderstood erroneously with the internet that's against me: My name is [[Christian Weston Chandler]], high-functioning autistic [[Chris and art|artist]]. I am [[Chris and anger|kind]], [[Chris and remorse|caring]], [[Chris and death|empathetic]], [[Stress|emotional]], a [[Chris and his Ego|good friend]], a ''loyal'' friend, cautious and weary, ''trustworthy''. Mostly [[Honest Content|honest]]. I do not like to [[Lies|lie]]. I would only lie to protect the other person's feelings out of care and respect. [[Ryan Cash|I]] [[Mike Jackson|AM]] [[Homos|NOT]] [[Megan|A]] [[Kacey|MONSTER]]! I am a caring, emotional, feeling, [[Homos|heterosexual]] human being! And [[Chris and Hypocrisy|I should be treated equally]], and respected as SUCH!

([[stress]]-[[sigh]]) Sadly back here in real life, everyone is in their ''[[CWCville|own dang world]]''. Snobbish, snooty... to even give care to ''one person'' who only has [[Trolls|few friends]] within the city, uh- that is Mr. Jefferson's hometown. Not even as much acquaintances, I feel invisible in public, and it's very sad to me. (stress-sigh) At least I do have [[Mic|one friend]] who cares about me around here. Unfortunately she refuses to go beyond [[Friend Zone|just friends]], but I care about her just the same anyway, because that is the kind of guy I am.

''(The sackpeople stare at each other like retards for the remaining few seconds of video)''

[''Subtitles:'']
[''Hey, Chris.'']
[''Hey, Mic. I have friends to introduce you to. Follow me to El Kono(?).'']
[''Really?! That Is Awesome. Let's go.'']

{{succession|label=[[Autism Tutorial|Autism Tutorial Videos]]|prevlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 3]]|nextlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 5]]|}}

[[Category:LittleBigPlanet]]

Autism Tutorial Part 3

2011-02-16T21:51:56Z

Davelaccard: /* Higher Quality Video Swapped In */

In '''Autism Tutorial Part 3''', any pretense that [[Chris]]'s ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' tutorial has anything to do with informing the public about [[autism]] is abandoned, and Chris instead goes into full-on sob story mode about his struggle. First he revisits his magical [[high school]] years. He admits that he's bitter about not getting [[china]] in high school, and reiterates his desire to have had [[dating education]]. Chris then reenacts his graduation tantrum, and rambles about how much his life has sucked since then. He finishes by wishing that [[Mary Lee Walsh]] get fired because she refused to accept his insincere apology after he slandered her all over the internet, and that the Game Place burn to the ground with [[Michael Snyder]] in it.

tl;dr: Chris hasn't gotten over high school or past grudges.

==Video==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|tQko8HcfChA}}</Center>

===Transcript===

Back in my teenage years at [[Manchester High School]] of Midlothian, [[Virginia]], I really felt emotionally rich, because I had a [[Lies|great number of friends]], the closest and majority of were some sweet girls.

(Long sequence of Chris and a [[gal-pal]] looking at each other and smiling)

My circle of [[gal-pals]] was the best asset and blessing anyone could ever ask for. They understood me, and [[Chris_and_his_Ego|I understood]] [[Women%27s_rights|them]]. [[Megan_Emails,_2008#Megan_is_scarred_by_ShecameforCWC.JPG|We appreciated each other]]. We hung out, conversed, and hung out y- between within our classes, like home-ec and, uh, [[Reality|science, and math]], and even [[Chris and English|english]], and sometimes we would help each other out. [[Fail|It was the best of times... pretty much.]] And even though [[lie|I even]] had a high school [[Gal-Pals|sweetheart]] like most would, and the quality throughout was great. And would be most appreciated by ''any'' person, autistic or not.

Sadly though, about my high school years, of which I can only complain about were two things, and I did not realize these til after I graduated. Actually one I realized uh, mid-graduation. But after graduation I realized that I was [[naive]] on the subject of dating throughout high school. The mandatory sexual education class is good for after [[Third Date|date number three]] and so, but how do we even get to date number one? That's my question. I really would've appreciated a mandatory [[Dating education|DATING EDUCATION]] CLASS, alongside sexual education. Also, [[F Abstinance|abstinence]] is a JOKE. The virgin-breaker needs to happen BEFORE adulthood arrives, because being an adult [[Virgin with rage|virgin]] SUUUCKS. Even for us autistics and [[Slow-in-the-mind|mentally challenged]].

And the second thing about my high school years that can- can- I would complain about is my high school graduation ceremony. It was a very depressing day, it was raining, it was dark, it was dreary. Anyway, I went got- went up and got my diploma, and uh, I did not shake anybody's hand. It- I mean, there were important people there, I did not shake anybody's hand, I just grabbed my diploma, [[Fail|cried then, ran off the stage]], went into a back room, sat at a- sat at a table by myself for a little while. Then my best gal-pal [[Tiffany Gowen|Tif]] met up with me and uh, she made me feel a little better. (voice turns wistful) Really love to, uh, see her again, at least [[Rape|hang out]] or a little while.

My high school years were the best and most emotionally ''encouraging'' for me. But after graduation in 2000 and moving back to lame [[Ruckersville, VA|Ruckersrville]]... it was all downhill for me. My adult years ''suck''. And I'm soon to turn 29. I left my heart back at Manchester High in Midlothian.

I grad- I also graduated from [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]] with a uh, degree in [[CADD|computer-aided drafting and design]], but that- and that graduation went better for me, because I did not have so many fr- I did not have many friends back there. And plus, [[Mary Lee Walsh]] [[Chris and his ego|just plain hated me.]] ''(voice creaks on the verge of recognizing own faults)'' Obvi- And obviously I uh, talked ill about her in [[Sonichu (comic)|comics]] that I [[Chris and art|drew]], portrayed her as a witch... ''(voice fills with self-righteous rationalization)'' She made it apparent that it was illegal to find true love in the state of [[Virginia]]! And that [[Virginia is for Virgins|Virginia was a state for VIRGINS]]... ([[stress]]-[[sigh]]) She still ticked me off, I mean, even after I apologized to her for portraying her the way that I did in my books, she would not accept my apology and she banned me from the grounds of Piedmont Virginia Community College! That's a- one hell of a thank you for an apology, or an apology acceptance. Obviously she did not accept my apology. I hope she gets fired, period! And I also hope that the [[The GAMe PLACe|Game and Hobby Place]] in [[Charlottesville]]... [[Chris and anger|BURNS TO THE GROUND]]! [[Death threats|ALONG WITH]] [[Michael Snyder|MICHAEL SNYDER]]!

Agh, that's all my ranting for right now.

{{succession|label=[[Autism Tutorial|Autism Tutorial Videos]]|prevlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 2]]|nextlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 4]]|}}

[[Category:LittleBigPlanet]]

Autism Tutorial Part 2

2011-02-16T21:51:27Z

Davelaccard: /* Higher Quality Video Swapped In */

In '''Autism Tutorial Part 2''', [[Chris]] continues his non-interactive extravaganza in ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'', and advocates that [[autistic]] children receive the same loving care that he did growing up. He then goes off on a tangent about the CWCville universe, before launching into a rant about the [[Trolls|dangers]] of the [[Internet]]. He ends by calling his autistic viewers to arms to abandon the internet as a social mechanism. He also mentions how trolls are crazy or were molested as children just showing how he doesn't think trolls are normal people which is also the reason why his [[JenkinsJinkies]] disguise didn't work.
==Video==

<Center> {{#ev:youtube|DDECQ7w2r6Y}}</Center>

===Transcript===
Going back to what you could do for your autistic child, you could do a number of things, but of course, the most important thing is to [[Rocky|positively emotionally encourage]] them. And tra-and give them [[Rape#Rape|hugs]], anyways, [[Megan|even if they don't want it]]. They will feel the love eventually, cause I know I have, [[Snorlax|my mom]] never stopped hugging me.

Another thing you can do with them is floor time. You get on the floor and you play with them. You should build [[Lego]] sets. I had my own city made out of Legos. It was a very big city too. It was pretty much an early version of my city of CWCville that I housed my electric hedgehog [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] in, in the [[Sonichu (comic)|comics]] I had [[Chris and art|drawn]]. I put all the bricks and pieces in the [[Chris_and_English#Semantics|boxes under here, but they were over there]], on the other side of my [[Chris's Room|room]]. One big city, ''[Subtitle: "The city of Cwcville, VA still stands strong today within my own mind and hands."]'' it was massive, it was great.

Egana-and of course there's also [[Health#Mental_health|therapy, psychiatry]], and special autism places. ''[Subtitle: "Fit in within normal places and have friends who are normal to better influence the autistic person"]'' I highly encourage, ''[Subtitle: "In my opinion, with one autistic person having another autistic or mentally challenged friend."]'' mainstreaming 'em. Letting be norm-letting 'em try to fit in with the normal places, ''[Subtitle: "I feel it is Not beneficial to either, because with mental influences,"]'' like [[Inos|high]]-like [[Manchester High School|high school]] and [[Providence Middle School|middle school]]. I fit in [[Lies|perfectly]] after I, ''[Subtitle: "being able to move forward socially will be less likely."]'' I settled in. But never EVER send them to a ''[Subtitle: "Normal friends for Autistic People are Better."]'' mental institution. It's [[Nudes|just wrong]], it's a dark, evil place. ''[Subtitle: "We autistic people have been mistaken as psychopaths in the past , but that is Rarely the case. We are Not Crazy People."]'' I was almost forced into there once but my parents would not have it! [''Chris's Sackboy visibly reveals [[fangs]]'']

Anyway, on a more modern interest note, according to the, uh, [[Wikipedia]] article, the [[internet]] helps autistic individuals bypass nonverbal cues and emotional sharing they find hard to deal with. They also [[White_Knight#Chris_will_reject_your_advice|apparently point online communities and work with locally]].

Listen, on extended personal experience with internet [[Attraction Sign|socializing]], I can tell you the truth of the internet. There are a lot of [[Chris|sick minded, twisted, evil,]] ''[Subtitle: "These people of the internet who make the world's societies corrupted, look for innocent people to talk ill of..."]'' [[Chris|dark, sloppy, gross, weird]] ''[Subtitle: "greatly."]'' individuals out there, and you can never tell ''[Subtitle: "and they also trick or steal personal and private information, footage and gossip, mostly solely for Laughs at [[ego|our individual]]..."]'' who they are from anybody else, cause they hide behind their [[Snorlax|mother's]] skirts of the anonymity that is also ''[Subtitle: "expenses."]'' know as the internet. ''[Subtitle: ""LULZ", they call it; "[[Laughs Under Lucricities]]"."]'' They go online talking to random people, ''[Subtitle: "They go by many sub-labels; naturally, they are Anonymous, hiding behind their "Mother's Skirts" like scared..."]'' deceiving, tricking, blackmailing! Just so they can drag our clear, ''[Subtitle: "children."]'' just so they can drag our once clean names ''[Subtitle: "They each have their own sad, disgusting origins from being molested as children to just being crazy in the head for real."]'' through the worst mud, blood and [[Navy|bodily fluids]], makes me sick. UGHH!

They are ungrateful ''[Subtitle: "These people seriously need Mental Health Treatments and Therapies of their own."]'' immature. [[Chris and Hypocrisy|They need to grow up]]. The-they-they, even ''[Subtitle: "I became tired of the enduring, emotionally damaging stress from these corrupted people."]'' range from the [[BlueSpike|young]], the teenage, [[Jack Thaddeus|even]] [[Clyde Cash|some]] [[Liquid Chris|adults]]! I swear! ''[Subtitle: "and after all that, I took down my own website personally, including the majority of videos I had on YouTube"]'' I had my own [[CWC's Sonichu Site!|website]] for my Sonichu comics, but then they hacked in there and then, took 'em away! I grabbed it back, but after a while I got [[Stress|tired]] ''[Subtitle: "These people also use YouTube against us as well"]'' and decided, took the websites down myself. ''[Subtitle: "On Internet Safety, Keep ALL Private and Personal Information and Footage of yourself to yourself alone."]''

[[Sigh]]

And I also had my own [[Myspace]] and [[Facebook]], gone! ''[Subtitle: "If you can not consciously, morally, seriously tell a very close relative about it or share it with them."]'' They can hack your computers, your [[PS3|game consoles]], laptops, cell phones, and maybe even your iPods! ''[Subtitle: "It need to stay Offline. Period. This is a terribly Serious Matter: There is Nothing tolaugh about."]'' They just do not let up. I have been a victim of their ways [''the Sackboy visibly trembles'']. I nev, I have never socialize online again. And I screen my phone calls, I hardly ever answer my phone call anymore. And I am emotionally damaged by them. Just this, ter-pitiful. Horrifying!

Online gaming, on the other hand, is different. The other players, they just come and go while I accomplish my video game goals. No friendships are made. And information searches and shopping online is fine. It is the social websites ''[Subtitle: "Not only is Facebook a joke, it is the complete opposite of true Socializing."]'' like Facebooks and Myspace that are travesties. ''[Subtitle: "Staying behind the ******** monitor like that only makes one more Autistic-Like."]'' The only way to socialize is in real life. ''[Subtitle: "Down with Facebook!!!"]'' [Volume raises] Fellow autistic people! I encourage you to man and [[Women%27s_rights|woman up]] ''[Subtitle: "It is Socializing In Real Life or Dust!"]'' respectively! Go out into the real world, and make real friends with full, great quality friendships! Do it now!

Socializing tips and also little more history on myself, to be revealed in the follow-into the following parts, in the remainder of this tutorial, so stay tuned. Thank you

{{succession|label=[[Autism Tutorial|Autism Tutorial Videos]]|prevlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 1]]|nextlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 3]]|}}

[[Category:LittleBigPlanet]]

Autism Tutorial Part 1

2011-02-16T21:50:25Z

Davelaccard: /* Video */

'''Autism Tutorial Part 1''' is the first in a series of ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' levels Chris uploaded on 13 February 2011. Chris once again reads off of [[Wikipedia]]'s [[autism]] article, this time adding his own two cents. Of note, Chris seems to be aware of the accepted cause of autism, and semi-correctly blames his [[Bob Chandler|father]] for it.

==Video==

<Center> {{#ev:youtube|LCXMhyF91dE}}</Center>

===Transcript===

Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is [[Christian Weston Chandler]], alias [[Christopher's name change|Christopher]]. And I am [[autistic]] – high-functionally autistic. In this animation, with [[Wikipedia]] facts and book diagrams and in my own words and opinions, we will look into autism: What it is, possible causes, and treatments and cures. And how we autistics SHOOOULD be treated and respected [''voice deepens with gravelly rage''] ''in real life social situations.''

First, autism: What is it? In a nutshell, it is a [[Chris|malfunctioning]] in the neural development that impairs [[Honest Content|social interactions]], [[Speech Impediment|communications]], and [[Sonichu|restrictive]] or [[CWC-isms|repetitive behaviors]]. In the brain, autism affects many parts. Autism especially affects the connection between the amygdala, the social and [[anger|emotional]] behavioral gland, and the cerebral cortex and maybe cerebellum, the [[reality|logic]] and [[love quest|goal-making]] parts.

The connectors between the matter is called the corpus callosum, which I believe is the most effective. In my theory, a cure may be found in repairing this major component of the brain. The facts also state that autism occurs pre-birth, sadly in mutated genetics within the chromosomes, which can happen when the pregnant mother [[Tobacky|smokes]], [[McDonald's|binges]], takes drugs or certain meds, and other non- or real environmental factors, such as car exhaust. ''Ladies, get off the [[Tobacky|drugs]] NOW.''

Another factor lies in the [[Bob Chandler|father’s]] age upon child conception. The [[Barb|mother’s]] age is not a factor here. DUDES, HAVE YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE LIKE FORTY OR FIFTY! Anyway, the mutated chromosomes can involve deletion, duplication, and/or swapping. Scientists are still researching if- [''abrupt jump-cut'']

Common symptoms of autism include, and should be observed to notice: Little-to-no [[stare|eye contact]], mal-communication with delayed babbling, [[Claw of Fail|unusual gestures]], low responsiveness – try calling your name. At that young age, they seldom respond if they have autism – as well as [[Speech impediment|unsynched atypical vocal patterns]]. They also would have [[White_knight#Chris_lacks_empathy_himself|lack of intuition of other people, lack of attention to social stimuli]], and little-to-no [[fangs|smiling]]. [[Things Chris has ripped off|Imagination]] and imaginative play is often blank in autistic minds, but with training they may be able to think in pictures at least, like the famous [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_Grandin Miss Temple Grandon]. By the way, boys are more affected with autism than girls. That’s just the way it is.

Compulsive behavior, or a type of A.D.D. [[Jack Thaddeus|Attention Difi-Deficit Disorder]], is also common. In worse cases, self-destructive behavior such as self-cutting, hurting others, and bullying possibly, may be apparent. Fortunate for me I do not go into self-destructiveness. I do not hurt myself, and I [[Megan|do]] [[Mary Lee Walsh|not]] [[Ryan Cash|hurt]] [[Clyde Cash|others]]. The worst for me is essentially biting my fingernails… sometimes. Feeling restricted is also common. Staying within their [[Chris's Room|comfort zones]] with [[lie|realistic]] behavior – oh, [[Chris_and_religion#Chris_the_Shaman|ritualistic]] behavior, and such. And with repetition in play, we may as well be walking around in circles… for infinity time! And [[Chris|some]] of us actually do.

Parents and guardians should be very watchful and cautious of any autistic symptoms [''camera pans to a picture of Chris with appropriately meaningless labels''], as they can be obvious by the age of three years old. I myself spoke first at six weeks with the word “monkey”, in an attempt at saying ''“mommy”'' [''said in a very toddler-like inflection'']. My vocabulary and speech grew great until I stopped talking at one-and-a-half years old, and I did not speak again until I when was seven. The other infant symptoms followed in suit.

A [[Chris and English|controversery]] began when they blamed mercury in MMR vaccines. Though it was removed from all vaccines in early 2000, and yet the autism rate still grew over the decade.

{{succession|label=[[Autism Tutorial|Autism Tutorial Videos]]|prevlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 1|First]]|nextlink=[[Autism Tutorial Part 2]]|}}

[[Category:LittleBigPlanet]]

Talk:Autism Tutorial

2011-02-15T04:53:22Z

Davelaccard:

Good to see that Chris has moved on from the petty trivialities that he used to obsess over. Oh wait. --[[User:TubularMonkey|TubularMonkey]] 13:05, 13 February 2011 (PST)

An update on Chris? It must be my birthday. Oh wait. It IS. This made the cake so much sweeter. Some things never change. --[[User:Spoonman|Spoonman]] 14:19, 13 February 2011 (PST)

I had a poll on IRC about whether they were levels or videos (they're cutscenes, so) and lost, so I guess it stays as levels. [[User:Freecell|Freecell]] [[User_talk:Freecell|(t]]/[[Special:Contributions/Freecell|c)]] 15:20, 13 February 2011 (PST)

People, people, people, please categorize pages, for the Love of God.--[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 11:50, 14 February 2011 (PST)

Hello, everyone. Higher-Quality footage is available at youtube.com/davelaccard . Video 5 has audio loss but a dispute has been submitted. Feel free to exchange the camcorder level footage with this. Thank you, and goodbye. --[[User:Davelaccard|davelaccard]] 8:52 PM, 14 February 2010 (GMT -8)

Talk:Autism Tutorial

2011-02-15T04:52:46Z

Davelaccard:

Good to see that Chris has moved on from the petty trivialities that he used to obsess over. Oh wait. --[[User:TubularMonkey|TubularMonkey]] 13:05, 13 February 2011 (PST)

An update on Chris? It must be my birthday. Oh wait. It IS. This made the cake so much sweeter. Some things never change. --[[User:Spoonman|Spoonman]] 14:19, 13 February 2011 (PST)

I had a poll on IRC about whether they were levels or videos (they're cutscenes, so) and lost, so I guess it stays as levels. [[User:Freecell|Freecell]] [[User_talk:Freecell|(t]]/[[Special:Contributions/Freecell|c)]] 15:20, 13 February 2011 (PST)

People, people, people, please categorize pages, for the Love of God.--[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 11:50, 14 February 2011 (PST)

Hello, everyone. Higher-Quality footage is available at youtube.com/davelaccard . Video 5 has audio loss but a dispute has been submitted. --[[User:Davelaccard|davelaccard]] 8:52 PM, 14 February 2010 (GMT -8)

Talk:Autism Tutorial

2011-02-15T02:10:49Z

Davelaccard:

Good to see that Chris has moved on from the petty trivialities that he used to obsess over. Oh wait. --[[User:TubularMonkey|TubularMonkey]] 13:05, 13 February 2011 (PST)

An update on Chris? It must be my birthday. Oh wait. It IS. This made the cake so much sweeter. Some things never change. --[[User:Spoonman|Spoonman]] 14:19, 13 February 2011 (PST)

I had a poll on IRC about whether they were levels or videos (they're cutscenes, so) and lost, so I guess it stays as levels. [[User:Freecell|Freecell]] [[User_talk:Freecell|(t]]/[[Special:Contributions/Freecell|c)]] 15:20, 13 February 2011 (PST)

People, people, people, please categorize pages, for the Love of God.--[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 11:50, 14 February 2011 (PST)

Hello, everyone. Just thought I'd let you know that right now I'm uploading video taken from a capture card yesterday right now, and will be up in a few hours at youtube.com/davelaccard . Just alerting you in case you want to replace NeverOnHexBox's videos with something better than shoddy camcorder work. I'm not going to bother to change the video embed pages themselves, but feel free to do so if wanted. --[[User:Davelaccard|davelaccard]] 6:10 PM, 14 February 2010 (GMT -8)