CWCki - User contributions [en]

Victory Rockout

2011-08-28T04:13:45Z

Flowen:

Victory Rockout is a video uploaded early in the morning of 28 [[August 2011]] by the YouTube user "CWCvilleProductions". In the video, Chris flails around a [[Guitar Hero]] controller while dancing to a metal remix of the Skyrim theme. It appears to be created in response to [[Thorg]]'s retirement from Trolling, referencing Thorg's love for the Elder Scrolls.

{{Infobox/video
| name = Victory Rockout
| video = {{#ev:youtube|41cBjmYezm8}}
| stardate = 28 [[August 2011]]
| subject = {{Trollsicon|text}}
| style = {{Crazy|text}}, {{Smug|text}}
| saga = {{Tomgirl|text}}
| shirt =
| previous = [[Gratitude for a good person in N.C.]]
| next = Current
}}

==Transcript==
-eah we got victory! I won, it's victory! Victory for all fans, everybodys! [Clipped] is gonna get their kickin', BAM BAM BAM! Bam! I kicked your head in, you damn (something) bullies! Whee!

You bullies are really really stupid, and trolls are really really stupid. Hey you bullies are really really stupid, Team Rocket's stupid, you're stupid, you're stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!

Hello Ian! Why is your last name Brandon Anderson? JUUUUUULAAAYYYYYY! *CWC screeches something*

Victory over the trolls! Trolls are the creators of yellow chicken (something) pokemon! Yeah!

So you can kiss it! It! Kiss it! Kiss it!

And I paid ten dollars for this guitar and game combo, at a garage sale a couple weeks ago! I only paid ten dollars FOR Fallout[: New] Vegas when it was on sale a previous time!

The CWCki's a damn lie! It's a [clipped], false implications! Truths and [honest] contents plague inside the contents [???]

Never-the CWCki no matter what! If you ask questions, [jumbled]. All they tell you is exaggeration and lies! They're all trolls and bullies!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH

*turns off camera*

User talk:Codemonster

2010-11-26T10:24:23Z

Flowen:

==Hello my name is code==
and i am very lonely, please talk to me

just saying, IRC isn't the best place to talk to people. ha ha, get it? it's funny because the C stands for chat, but i'm implying that it doesn't. [[User:Flowen|Flowen]] 02:23, 26 November 2010 (PST)

User talk:Codemonster

2010-11-26T10:23:50Z

Flowen:

==Hello my name is code==
and i am very lonely, please talk to me

just saying, IRC isn't the best place to talk to people. ha ha, get it? it's funny because the C stands for chat. [[User:Flowen|Flowen]] 02:23, 26 November 2010 (PST)

User:Madametetons

2010-11-12T04:38:00Z

Flowen:

hi

Hellas. [[User:Flowen|Flowen]] 20:38, 11 November 2010 (PST)

Man in the Pickle Suit

2010-11-11T03:49:55Z

Flowen:

{{quote|The Man in the Pickle Suit tricked me again!|Christian Weston Chandler}}
{{quote|HE KNOWS [[Clyde Cash|CASH]]!|Chris, on the cucumber people.}}

<div style="position:fixed; bottom:0; right:0">[[Image: DancingPickleMan.gif]] </div>

[[Image:Ze_Pickleman.jpg|thumb|The Man in the Pickle Suit in its natural habitat, devouring a herd of [[sonee]]s.]]
[[File:Pickle surprise.jpg|thumb|Suspect]]

The '''Man in the Pickle Suit''' (also known as the '''MPS''') is the arch-nemesis of [[Chris]] whom he used to blame whenever he is tricked or conned.

Chris actually believes this is a real person. Since he also believes said [[niggos|negro]] is after him and behind all the recent trollings, basically everyone can become the [[Pickle]] Suit Man. As such, the Man in the Pickle Suit has now become the figure as whom most [[trolls]] anonymize.

Oddly, even though Chris turns basically everyone that [[Kick the Autistic|annoys him]] into a [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|villain]] in his [[Sonichu (comic)|shitty comic]], the Man in the Pickle Suit has been spared. The closest it got was when [[Clyde Cash|"Cly"]] fought Chris using a goddamn "pickle gun". A gun. Shaped like a pickle. That ''shot'' pickles. He never manages to actually hit Chris with it, so there's no way to tell how much damage a fucking pickle would actually do.

== Origin ==
[[Lordsillynipples]] is the one true creator of the Pickle Negro. After posing as [[Blanca|Blanca Weiss]] to troll CWC in early August 2008, using a fake [[MySpace]] page, silly made Chris believe that Blanca was indeed a black transvestite in a pickle costume by suddenly revealing a new version of the MySpace. Ever since then, Chris has feared the pickle people.

{{quote|I don’t know who that guy is and I don’t think I really would care to know.|[[Chris]] on the Man in the Pickle Suit - [[Christian Weston Chandler Interview]]}}

== The Jew in the Pickle Suit ==
This Pickle Man, at great personal risk, rescued [[Emily]] from the horrific date with Chris IRL. He also accompanied [[Robert Simmons V]] to his [[Church audio|visit]] to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|Christian's church]], disguised as an average civilian.

==The Pickleman today==
[[File:Realpickle1.png|thumb|Shit just got real.]]
Rumor says that the Man in the Pickle Suit now leads a calm and relaxing life in the nude beaches of [[Molvanîa]], where he and the Molvanîan people exchange ways to troll Chris.

However, recent information has emerged on the MPS, given a video recently posted on his newly-established [http://www.youtube.com/user/TheNationofPickleMen YouTube channel] that suggests he has come out of retirement one last time to deal a final, crushing blow upon the manchild.

==Selected videos==
* 11 September 2008: [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 11th, 2008]] - Chris is first trolled by the Pickle Man.
* 21 October 2008: [[Chris Chan Update 21 October 2008]] - Chris crashes into slumber after the Pickle Man breaks up his relationship with [[Blanca]].
* 17 March 2010: [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb]] - Chris accuses [[Surfshack Tito]] of being a "pickle-suited nigger".

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:Pickleslol.jpg|One artist's depiction of the Man in the Pickle Suit.
Image:Black_man_in_pickle_suit.jpg|The Man in the Pickle Suit looking awesome.
Image:MPSGotReal.jpg|That's no suit, Chris.
Image:FC07.jpg|He is real. Very real.
Image:Read This One.jpg|Despite including this warning, in which he suspected the user of being the Man in the Pickle Suit, he sent this user pictures of him in his mother's underwear and bra. IN THE SAME EMAIL.
Image:TapestryPickleMan.jpg|The Man in the Pickle Suit is an ancient title passed on from one troll to another. In this lost scene from the Bayeux Tapestry, Geoffrey Weston the Feeble Minded (a possible early ancestor to [[Daniel Weston]]) is tricked by "The Man Donning the Pickled Cucumber Suit".
Image:FightPickleman.jpg|The weaboo version of the Man in the Pickle Suit.
Image:CucumberMan.jpg|WHO IS THE CUCUMBER MAN?
Image:Pickleportrait.jpg|MPS looking great, as usual.
</gallery></center>

==External links==
*[http://www.myspace.com/kawaiikitsune123 The MPS' MySpace page.]
*[http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Man-in-the-Pickle-Suit/178569036183 The Man in the Pickle Suit On Facebook.]

{{Trolls}}

[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Villains]]

Man in the Pickle Suit

2010-11-11T03:49:23Z

Flowen:

{{quote|The Man in the Pickle Suit tricked me again!|Christian Weston Chandler}}
{{quote|HE KNOWS [[Clyde Cash|CASH]]!|Chris, on the cucumber people.}}

<div style="position:fixed; bottom:0; right:0">[[Image: DancingPickleMan.gif]] </div>

[[Image:Ze_Pickleman.jpg|thumb|The Man in the Pickle Suit in its natural habitat, devouring a herd of [[sonee]]s.]]
[[File:Pickle surprise.jpg|thumb|Suspect]]

The '''Man in the Pickle Suit''' (also known as the '''MPS''') is the arch-nemesis of [[Chris]] whom he used to blame whenever he is tricked or conned.

Chris actually believes this is a real person. Since he also believes said [[niggos|negro]] is after him and behind all the recent trollings, basically everyone can become the [[Pickle]] Suit Man. As such, the Man in the Pickle Suit has now become the figure as whom most [[trolls]] anonymize.

Oddly, even though Chris turns basically everyone that [[Kick the Autistic|annoys him]] into a [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|villain]] in his [[Sonichu (comic)|shitty comic]], the Man in the Pickle Suit has been spared. The closest it got was when [[Clyde Cash|"Cly"]] fought Chris using a goddamn "pickle gun". A gun. Shaped like a pickle. That ''shot'' pickles. He never manages to actually hit Chris with it, so there's no way to tell how much damage a fucking pickle would actually do.

== Origin ==
[[Lordsillynipples]] is the one true creator of the Pickle Negro. After posing as [[Blanca|Blanca Weiss]] to troll CWC in early August 2008, using a fake [[MySpace]] page, silly made Chris believe that Blanca was indeed a black transvestite in a pickle costume by suddenly revealing a new version of the MySpace. Ever since then, Chris has feared the pickle people.

{{quote|I don’t know who that guy is and I don’t think I really would care to know.|[[Chris]] on the Man in the Pickle Suit - [[Christian Weston Chandler Interview]]}}

== The Jew in the Pickle Suit ==
This Pickle Man, at great personal risk, rescued [[Emily]] from the horrific date with Chris IRL. He also accompanied [[Robert Simmons V]] to his [[Church audio|visit]] to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|Christian's church]], disguised as an average civilian.

==The Pickleman today==
[[File:Realpickle1.png|thumb|Shit just got real.]]
Rumor says that the Man in the Pickle Suit now leads a calm and relaxing life in the nude beaches of [[Molvanîa]], where he and the Molvanîan people exchange ways to troll Chris.

However, recent information has emerged on the MPS, given a video recently posted on his newly-established [http://www.youtube.com/user/TheNationofPickleMen YouTube channel] that suggests he has come out of retirement one last time to deal a final, crushing blow upon the manchild.

==Selected videos==
* 11 September 2008: [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 11th, 2008]] - Chris is first trolled by the Pickle Man.
* 21 October 2008: [[Chris Chan Update 21 October 2008]] - Chris crashes into slumber after the Pickle Man breaks up his relationship with [[Blanca]].
* 17 March 2010: [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb]] - Chris accuses [[Surfshack Tito]] of being a "pickle-suited nigger".

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:Pickleslol.jpg|One artist's depiction of the Man in the Pickle Suit.
Image:Black_man_in_pickle_suit.jpg|The Man in the Pickle Suit looking awesome.
Image:Pickleportrait.jpg|MPS looking great, as usual.
Image:MPSGotReal.jpg|That's no suit, Chris.
Image:FC07.jpg|He is real. Very real.
Image:Read This One.jpg|Despite including this warning, in which he suspected the user of being the Man in the Pickle Suit, he sent this user pictures of him in his mother's underwear and bra. IN THE SAME EMAIL.
Image:TapestryPickleMan.jpg|The Man in the Pickle Suit is an ancient title passed on from one troll to another. In this lost scene from the Bayeux Tapestry, Geoffrey Weston the Feeble Minded (a possible early ancestor to [[Daniel Weston]]) is tricked by "The Man Donning the Pickled Cucumber Suit".
Image:FightPickleman.jpg|The weaboo version of the Man in the Pickle Suit.
Image:CucumberMan.jpg|WHO IS THE CUCUMBER MAN?
</gallery></center>

==External links==
*[http://www.myspace.com/kawaiikitsune123 The MPS' MySpace page.]
*[http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Man-in-the-Pickle-Suit/178569036183 The Man in the Pickle Suit On Facebook.]

{{Trolls}}

[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Villains]]

File:Pickleportrait.jpg

2010-11-11T03:48:13Z

Flowen: NerdyNautilus drew the man in the pickle suit for IRC.

NerdyNautilus drew the man in the pickle suit for IRC.

Sonic the Hedgehog

2010-10-21T01:57:32Z

Flowen: /* Tails's (lack of a) role in the comics */

[[Image:Sonichuripoff.jpg|thumb|150px|Some poorly drawn rip-off of [[Sonichu]].]]

'''Sonic the Hedgehog''' is a shitty recolor of beloved hero and [[Sonichu (comic)|comic book]] character [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]]. Sega's blatant plagiarism has given renowned Sonichu creator [[Christian Weston Chandler]] [[Stress|many sleepless nights]].

Chris has based his life on Sonic's teachings from [[Wikipedia:Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog|AOSTH]]. He has been Chris's life hero since June 1990 [sic<ref>Sonic the Hedgehog wasn't released in North America or even Japan until June 1991 - see [[Wikipedia:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(video_game)|here]]. Ironically, this is also a question on Chris's [[Quizzes#Sonic_the_Hedgehog_History|Sonic the Hedgehog MyBuzz quiz]] which Chris assigns the right answer of June 1991. Of course, there can be [[Wikipedia:Rad Mobile|Rad Mobile]] by Sega released in 1990, but that would have not made much sense either seeing as Sonic only made a cameo appearance as an air freshener and nothing more, despite the particular appearance in that game predating Sonic's own first game. That, and Rad Mobile was a very less known game from Sega, so the chance of Chrissy playing the game during 1990 ([[Soul Calibur|and failing miserably at it]]) would be highly unlikely.</ref>], replacing [[The American Rabbit]].<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#Conception_and_Creation CWCipedia article on Sonichu]</ref>

==History==
Chris likely first learned about Sonic from watching the cartoon show ''Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog'', involving the basic plot of Sonic and Tails running around to defeat Robotnik, who was portrayed as a [[Obesity|plump]], [[Chris and his Ego|egotistical]] man who would endeavor to conquer Mobius and destroy Sonic, failing spectacularly each time. At the end of every show, a small segment titled "Sonic Says" ([[Random-access humor|humorously]] misspelled "Sonic Sez" by Tails) would begin. Each segment would involve Sonic teaching a small moral lesson for kids to learn, such as [[Jerkops|when to call 911]], [[Rape|what to do if someone attempts to molest or kidnap you]], and telling kids [[Sonichu Special 4|not to play]] with [[Megatron Pistol|guns]].

The show was promoted via a [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|contest]], with the grand prize being a [[Chris and money|$1,000 video game shopping spree]]. Chris was one of the two winners of the shopping spree and was featured in a news story about the contest, one of the biggest moments (if not ''the'' biggest moment) in his early life, spreading its influence far and wide, from his decisions to enter contests<ref>See [[GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes]], [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]], [[Harvey Birdman Commercial]], [[Pixelated PS3]]</ref> to the eventual creation of [[Sonichu]].

Apparently, at one point, Sonic was more widely recognized than Mickey Mouse. He was also intentionally designed to be easy to draw, had an incoherently random daily cartoon and a dead-serious pseudo-cyberpunk Saturday cartoon to cover both ends of the kids' cartoon spectrum, an army of merchandising, and, oh yeah, most of the games actually didn't suck back in the day. That and its enormous popularity (he likes all popular music, after all, why not all popular cartoons?) almost certainly drew in Chris.

The reason Chris ''remains'' so unerringly loyal to Sonic is unknown. As the years went by, the games became steadily worse until they fell into a randomly spawning black hole of supercrap and seem doomed to dwell within its depths forever. The cartoons both ended, were replaced by something almost as godawful as Sonichu, and the latest cartoon is dumb enough to suck, yet not egregious enough at sucking to be ironically entertaining. Many more pop culture trends have come and gone, some good, some heinously bad, but Chris has stuck by Sonic (and Pokémon) like an abused wife. Judging by the large amount of pages about Sonic-loving lolcows (autistic or not) on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|ED]], there's obviously something about Sonic that [[Trolls|we]] don't see. Given how rabid a fanboy Chris has become, perhaps brand loyalty has transitioned into a sort of fannish Stockholm syndrome.

==Role in the comics==
Sonic first appears in [[sonichu 0|issue 0]] as Super Sonic battling the [[Perfect Chaos Monster]] in [[Station Square]]. Whilst battling him, a [[Pikachu]] comes to fight Perfect Chaos and is tackled by Sonic. The power of the Chaos Emeralds mutates said Pikachu into [[Sonichu]], who then defeats Perfect Chaos.

[[Sonichu 1|In the following issue]], he crashes into Sonichu again. After recognizing each other, they team up in order to rescue [[Rosechu]] from the clutches of [[Black Sonichu]].

Other than being the catalyst for the creation of Sonichu and teaming up with him in the second issue, Sonic serves no other purpose. He disappears after issue 1, never mentioned again until ''[[Sonichu 11]]'' where [[Robbie]] sickeningly refers to him as "Uncle Sonic.

==Tails's (lack of a) role in the comics==
'''Miles "Tails" Prower''' is Sonic's sidekick, and has been in the franchise since ''Sonic The Hedgehog 2'' was released in 1992 for the Sega Master System. He has been featured in almost every form of Sonic-related media such as cartoons, anime and comic books. As such, many have been perplexed on why neither he nor an idiot ripoff (likely named "Prowerlo Sonichu") has made an appearance in ''Sonichu''.

Christian has refused to include Tails in his comics, despite ripping off Knuckles and Shadow and featuring an autobot named "Prower." It is likely Tails was omitted because of the rumors (made by [[BlueSpike|13 year olds]] on [[GameFAQs|Gamefags]] and Failgrounds) that Sonic and Tails were a [[homos|gay]] couple. Christian claims that he "did not feel it appropriate for Tails to be in my comic."<ref>[[Mailbag_38#Chris is an expert matchmaker]]</ref>

Despite this, Chris ''did'' create a Tails-like [[Pokémon]] named Evails, though he has so far only appeared on the [[Wall of Originals]].

==Comics==
[[File:Sth189.jpg|thumb|right|More than likely a bigger inspiration than the games series itself, this comic could potentially rival Sonichu in stupidity if it were not for the semi-competent artists Sega hires.]]

Like with the cartoons, Sonic had comic adaptations up the ass, but in an even more bloated sense, as each comic series was specific to the region of the world they were released in. Japan got a series of crazy manga (Japanese comics) involving Sonic being some sort of alter-ego of a picked on misunderstood nerd ([[Chris-Chan Sonichu|Bizarre coincidence?]]), Europe got a clichéd comic series published by Fleetway (the same company that once published 2000 A.D.) that appealed to the gaming demographic of the 90s, that was more or less the glorified SEGA advertisement for the continent, and the U.S. got a comic book series based on the Saturday Morning Cartoon Sonic SATam. Despite the video game franchise more or less crashing and burning, the comic series is still alive and running to this day, although it's unclear if that's due to popularity or just a small, dedicated fan basis of creepy furries and SEGA's endorsement to squeeze every penny they can from this dying franchise.

Chris has hinted at and mentioned that he is familiar with this comic series, and the layout of his comics tends to replicate the style of early Archie Sonic covers. Reldnahc's calling Chris "Prime-Chan" in the comic may be a reference to the character Scourge the Hedgehog, an evil version of Sonic from another dimension; Sonic is referred to as "Sonic Prime" when dealing with inter-dimensional storylines. Chris has also been known to trace images from an early special of the comic "Super Sonic vs. Hyper Knuckles" for the basis of some of his fight scenes. Whether he still reads the comics now or not is unknown, but it is probable that he does. He has stated that he would like Sonichu to be published by Archie Comics.<ref>[[IRC (22 December 2008)]]</ref><ref>[[Mumble 6|Mumble Chat 6]]</ref> If Chris still reads it, it will probably be a source of plagiarism and mass-debating for years to come.

Starting in [[April 2010]], [[Sony]] began releasing the Archie Sonic comics for download via the [[Playstation Network]].<ref>[http://blog.us.playstation.com/2010/04/22/playstation-comics-store-update-17/ PlayStation Comics Store Update]</ref> The likelihood that Chris has purchased them? [[Chris and money|Close to 100%]].

==Sega's response==

[[Image:Sega's Reponse.png|thumb|Sega's reaction to the discovery of Sonichu]]

After being scarred by the shitty drawn comic by Christian Weston Chandler one fan finally decided to let Sega in on Sonichu. It's currently unknown on what Sega will do about Chris.

==Plagiarism==

Sonic the Hedgehog is a point of inspiration for many asspies, and like many of his kind, Chris unashamedly steals from all of its various canons. [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] is obviously a recolored Sonic the Hedgehog, but even more obvious is [[Rosechu (character)|Rosechu]], who somehow manages to be less original than Chris's flagship character.

{{incomplete}}

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:001-Christophers1stSonic.jpg|Chris drew this in between ages 8 and 27.
Image:075-SonicAndSonichu.jpg|He's a street smart cop with 20 years on the force! He's a rookie straight out of academy! Together, they fight crime!
Image:063-SonicVsSonichu.jpg|Because we all like to see our favorite heroes crossover one day! [[Sonichu 1|Oh wait!]]
Image:0065-Sonic.jpg|Sonic looking an awful lot like Christian.
Image:326-SonicJamCard.jpg|...I thought the answer was "Aim for the [[Sonichu 4|sourdough region]]"?
Image:327-SonicJamCardBck.jpg
Image:445-SonicTotem.JPG|0-0 [http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/um_yeah_maybe_get_somebody_els.php Geekologie Reader] does not approve of Chris's artwork.
Image:447-CWCSonicPlate.JPG|Sonic the Blowfish.
Image:468-SonicCup.JPG|Chris makes his own [[Jimmy Hill|unlicensed Sonic merchandise]].
Image:469-SonicCupSide.JPG|Hello, lawsuit.
Image:0064-ChristianWSonic.jpg|Chris was so excited, he produced [[dirty, crapped briefs]].
Image:0077-SonicDoll.jpg|Chris still has this doll and it has seen [[For Julie's Eyes Only|horrible things]].
</gallery>
</center>

==See also==
*[[Shadow the Hedgehog]]
*[[Amy Rose]]

==Sauces/notes==
<references/>

==External links==
*[[Wikipedia:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] on [[Wikipedia]]
*[http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/4762-adventures-of-sonic-the-hedgehog Nostalgia Critic's review of both cartoons]
{{Hedgehog Boys}}
{{Not_Jerks}}

[[Category:Stubs|Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]
[[Category:Video Games]]

/cow/

2010-10-21T01:40:32Z

Flowen:

{{Namefaggotry}}

[[Image:Redbackground.jpg|thumb|All it took was words and a red gradient to keep Chris away]]

'''/cwc/''' (aka '''Krapple''', '''Legi0n''' and '''789chan''') is a [[Chris]]-related image board.

[[Ivy]] has alleged that Chris had discovered the site, based on a tip off from a successful [[white knight]]. Fortunately, his response was that the [[CWCipedia|colors]] [[CWC's Sonichu Site!|bothered]] him and that there were "[[Chris and writing|too many words]]." Given Chris's aversion to reading and bad news, this is probably for the best.

On 1 [[November 2009]], /cwc/, as well as the entire Krapple board, was permanently deleted for CEO having ''terabytes'' of [[anime]] on server space. It was brought back soon after on a spin-off chan on Legi0n.

==Derivative boards==
Due to the high volume of posts on /cwc/, the Legi0n staff decided to create additional, more specific chris-related boards. '''/cxc/''' (fanfics and copypastas), '''/kcwc/''' (chris-related songs/music videos), '''/CWCrt/''' (so faggots have a place to post their shitty trolling schemes), and''' /library/''' (to archive threads of major importance).

==IRC==
[[Image:anonchris.jpg|thumb|Typical /cwc/ user]]

/cwc/ had an irc channel located on Helldive, a network operated by insurgent and former [[ED]] sysop januszeal. It served as a hangout for various Krapplefags as well as some [[Sonichu (IRC chat)|#sonichu]] members and trolls from various other communities.

== Notable goings-on ==
[[Image:Bubblesxsilvana.jpg|thumb|Drawfags and illicit substances often combine on /cwc/]]

===Ivy appears===
[[Ivy]] decided to grace the site with her presence, garnering many skeptics and [[Fail|brilliant]] suggestions like 'GET CHRIS TO GROW A BEARD', which eerily enough happened much [[IBA|later]]. Unfortunately, like all the other posts, it was lost in the deletion of Krapple.

===Geneva===
A [[pedofork]], originally confused with fellow failure Kimmo Alm, who went on a holy crusade after listening to a portion of [[Julie Reveals Herself|the infamous revelation]]. Instead of noting the other trolls telling [[BlueSpike]] to essentially calm the fuck down, Geneva started doxing and spamming pornography as hard as his underage self could. His interference caused a long period of downtime on /cwc/, until Geneva was face with being exposed as a serious sick fuck. 110mb also decided to die in a grueling 14 day outage, and Geneva was quick to [[Parody|take credit]], complete with ironic [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ca9p139Z3Lc victory speech].

===[[CWCRockin4Way.jpg]]===
Before it was put up on the [[CWCipedia]], the abomination known as CWCRockin4Way.jpg was posted on /cwc/ by the honorable [[Bryan Bash]], much to the horror and laughter of the bored masses. Some [[Autism|less than intelligent users]] would question its validity until Chris decided to confirm it personally with his poorly titled [[Warning - Naughty Women ;)]].

===Deletion===
{{quote|everything on krapple has been deleted irreversably haev a nice day folks, thanks for the laughz|CEO, summing it up.}}

===The Wallflower===
Whether /cwc/ ever actually contacted the short-lived objection of affection is debated, especially with [[Surfshack Tito]]'s involvement. Regardless, the sheer speed at which her information was obtained provided information about many of her [[Homos|hobbies]] and almost certainly resulted in some harassment. Or, to be fair, [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|more harassment]].

== The End of Legi0n ==
As of August 27th, 2010, Legi0n ended service and the Chris related boards were moved to [http://789chan.org 789chan].

== External links ==
*[http://789chan.org/cwc/ /cwc/'s current incarnation]
**[http://789chan.org/cxc/ /cxc/, a board for Chris related fanfiction]
**[http://789chan.org/kcwc/ /kcwc/, a board for Chris related music]
**[http://789chan.org/library/ /library/, a board for archiving important /cwc/ threads]
*<s>[http://legi0n.789chan.org/cwc/ old /cwc/]</s> Defunct
**<s>[http://legi0n.info/cxc/ old /cxc/]</s> Defunct
**<s>[http://legi0n.info/kcwc/ old /kcwc/]</s> Defunct
**<s>[http://legi0n.info/CWCrt/ old /CWCrt/]</s> Defunct
**<s>[http://legi0n.info/library/ old /library/]</s> Defunct
*[irc://irc.789chan.org:6667/789chan 789chan IRC, the new /cwc/ channel]
*<s>[irc://irc.helldive.net:6667/legi0n Legi0n IRC (only for legi0npedia at this point)]</s> Defunct
*<s>[http://wiki.legi0n.info Legi0npedia, official wiki of Legi0n]</s> Defunct
*[http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Legi0n ED on Legi0n]

{{DEFAULTSORT:cwc}}
[[Category:Websites]]
[[Category:Trolling]]

IRC:Contents

2010-10-17T23:34:55Z

Flowen:

Welcome to the IRC namespace related to accessing [[Sonichu (IRC chat)|#sonichu]] on irc.rizon.net:7000. This is intended to help IRC users get shit done or learn how to do things.

'''Notice''': If you're familiar with IRC, then you MUST register your nickname (and sign in) with Rizon before you are able to join #sonichu.

If [[Chris]] can do it, SO CAN YOU!

== [[Image:Mirc.jpg|25px]] Care and Proper Feeding of your IRC ==
===Clients===
*Browser based: [http://01.chat.mibbit.com/ Mibbit], [http://chatzilla.hacksrus.com/ Chatzilla (Firefox extension)]
*Windows: [http://www.mirc.com/ mIRC], [http://www.hydrairc.com/ HydraIRC]
*Mac: [http://colloquy.info/ Colloquy]
*Anything: [http://irssi.org/ irssi], [http://xchat.org/ X-Chat]
'''REMEMBER TO SET YOUR CLIENT OF CHOICE TO THE RIZON (irc.rizon.net:7000) SERVER!'''

===Registering and logging in===
To register, in the Rizon server area, follow these instructions:
*'''/nick [USERNAME]''' This will allow you to pick a username.
*'''/msg nickserv register [PASSWORD] [E-MAIL]''' This will register that username.
*'''/msg nickserv confirm [PASSCODE]''' Check your e-mail for the passcode and you're done!
To log-in, in the Rizon server area, follow these instructions:
*'''/nick [USERNAME]'''
*'''/msg nickserv identify [PASSWORD]'''
Now type '''/join #sonichu''' and you're in!
===Vhosts===
*[[IRC:Vhost|Registering a vhost (Not necessary, but prevents others from knowing where you live)]]

== [[Image:Mirc.jpg|25px]] When you first join ==
Due to many new people joining (and a majority of them being complete idiots), you may have to endure some hostility. Just act normal. Hopefully you're normal.

== [[Image:Mirc.jpg|25px]] What to do and not to do ==
===Rules===
*If you're a meme-shouting faggot, get out.
*If you're constantly asking Chris questions, maybe check the CWCki first.
*Just act normal and you'll probably be fine unless you have no idea what normal is.
*Respect authority (unless you want to get beaten).
=== How to get banned ===
*Being a [[white knight]].
*Evading a ban.
*Being disruptive.

== External Links ==
*[http://www.rizon.net/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=13 Essential reading]
*[http://www.rizon.net/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=11 Rizon FAQs]

[[Category:IRC]]

100 2270

2010-10-07T23:05:49Z

Flowen: /* Transcription */

'''100 2270''' is one of three videos [[Chris]] uploaded on 7 [[October 2010]].

In here he does a painful impression of [[Alec Benson Leary]] in a terrible British accent, [[Fail|and trying to mock him]]. Half the time his insults are [[Chris and English|unintelligible]] and his mangling of an English regional accent doesn't help his attempts to hurl insults much.

Of note in what Chris tries to point out what is bad about Alec and [[Asperchu]] is that he somehow thinks that being in Virginia is tied to being the creator of Sonichu despite Alec creating Asperchu and the idea that he somehow thinks Alec talks like the missing fifth Beatle, as well as the fact that Chris seems to think [[Honor Roll|Philadelphia and Pennsylvania are two separate areas, and not that the former is a city within the latter]]. He then proceeds to beat the dead horse about not only how Alec put [[Homos|homosexual imagery in Asperchu]], but about how violent Asperchu can be.

[[Chris and Hypocrisy|Because we all know that Sonichu doesn't have]] [[Sonichu 10|gore, violence and needless killing of characters]], [[Fail|right?]]

{{-}}
==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = 100 2270
| video = {{#ev:youtube|l8ir2SbF5T4}}
| stardate = 7 [[October 2010]]

| previous = [[100 2269]]
| next = Current
}}

=== Transcription ===

''[Odd voice]'' Ello, web! Dis is Christian Weston Chandler 'ere! But I'm no-I'm not really Christian Weston Chandler, and I'm not the creator of Sonichu because I live in Philidelphia! I was born in Philidelphia! At least as far as I know. I don't have any originality, or idea points because I never put up a page of my own! In real life, and still I only mock the real Christian Weston Chandler in Virginia-and now I am mocking Alec Benson Leary, I am pretending to be Alec Benson Leary, oh look at me I'm Alec, I draw teeeerrribly, I draw everything in squares, I put homosexual drawings in the background, I kill everybody! I put gore all over the floor and blood all over the place, I killed the real Christian Weston Chandler, I even killed the origina-I even killed the second dude, who pretended to be the original! Anyway, I'm Christian Chandler, I live in Philidelphia, I have a girlfriend, her name is Kacey, except we're married now! And she coulda had the real Christian Weston Chandler, who lives in Virginia, except I'm just a Christian Chandler who lives in Philidelphia! Now I'm sorry, I didn't mean Philidelphia, I meant to say Pennsylvania! Pennsylvania! But I pretended to be the original Christian Weston Chandler and rent movies from Blockbuster in Peennsylvaniaa! And the phone call was sent to the real deal, the real man in Virginia.

Yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yaddblahblahblahyahbahblahyablahlalalalalah!

''[Pause]''

Hey baby hit me one more time! I done it from my head! Bye now!

==See also==
*[[100 2267]]
*[[100 2269]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[100 2269]]|nextlink=Current}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Hey baby hit me one more time! I done it for my head! Bye now!

==See also==
*[[100 2267]]
*[[100 2269]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[100 2269]]|nextlink=Current}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

100 2270

2010-10-07T23:04:14Z

Flowen: merged my transcription with the existing one

'''100 2270''' is one of three videos [[Chris]] uploaded on 7 [[October 2010]].

In here he does a painful impression of [[Alec Benson Leary]] in a terrible British accent, [[Fail|and trying to mock him]]. Half the time his insults are [[Chris And English|unintelligible]] and his mangling of an English regional accent doesn't help his attempts to hurl insults much.

Of note in what Chris tries to point out what is bad about Alec and [[Asperchu]] is that he somehow thinks that being in Virginia is tied to being the creator of Sonichu despite Alec creating Asperchu and the idea that he somehow thinks Alec talks like the missing fifth Beatle, as well as the fact that Chris seems to think [[Honor Roll|Philadelphia and Pennsylvania are two separate areas, and not that the former is a city within the latter]]. He then proceeds to beat the dead horse about not only how Alec put [[Homos|homosexual imagery in Asperchu]], but about how violent Asperchu can be.

[[Chris and Hypocrisy|Because we all know that Sonichu doesn't have]] [[Sonichu 10|gore, violence and needless killing of characters]], [[Fail|right?]]

{{-}}
==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = 100 2270
| video = {{#ev:youtube|l8ir2SbF5T4}}
| stardate = 7 [[October 2010]]

| saga = {{Jackie|text}}
| previous = [[100 2269]]
| next = Current
}}

=== Transcription ===

''[Odd voice]'' Ello, web! Dis is Christian Weston Chandler 'ere! But I'm no-I'm not really Christian Weston Chandler, and I'm not the creator of Sonichu because I live in Philidelphia! I was born in Philidelphia! At least as far as I know. I don't have any originality, or idea points because I never put up a page of my own! In real life, and still I only mock the real Christian Weston Chandler in Virginia-and now I am mocking Alec Benson Leary, I am pretending to be Alec Benson Leary, oh look at me I'm Alec, I draw teeeerrribly, I draw everything in squares, I put homosexual drawings in the background, I kill everybody! I put gore all over the floor and blood all over the place, I killed the real Christian Weston Chandler, I even killed the origina-I even killed the second dude, who pretended to be the original! Anyway, I'm Christian Chandler, I live in Philidelphia, I have a girlfriend, her name is Kacey, except we're married now! And she coulda had the real Christian Weston Chandler, who lives in Virginia, except I'm just a Christian Chandler who lives in Philidelphia! Now I'm sorry, I didn't mean Philidelphia, I meant to say Pennsylvania! Pennsylvania! But I pretended to be the original Christian Weston Chandler and rent movies from Blockbuster in Peennsylvaniaa! And the phone call was sent to the real deal, the ral man in Virginia.

Yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yaddblahblahblahyahbahblahyablahlalalalalah!

''[Pause]''

Hey baby hit me one more time! I done it from my head! Bye now!

==See also==
*[[100 2267]]
*[[100 2269]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[100 2269]]|nextlink=Current}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Hey baby hit me one more time! I done it for my head! Bye now!

==See also==
*[[100 2267]]
*[[100 2269]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[100 2269]]|nextlink=Current}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Sailor Moon

2010-09-28T17:45:31Z

Flowen:

{{taxpayermoney}}

{{Quote|In the name of Christian Chandler's heart, I shall punish you!|[[Chris-Chan Sonichu]] to [[Mary Lee Walsh]]}}
[[Image:SERASONICHU by neodalion.jpg|thumb|Pretty sailor-suited soldier!]]

'''''Sailor Moon''''' (full name: '''''Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon''''') is an [[anime]] that [[Chris]] became interested in after discovering that his [[gal pal]] [[Megan Schroeder]] enjoyed the series. In typical [[retard]] fashion Chris then began to rip off things from the series in a desperate attempt to impress her enough to make her want to bob up and down on his [[duck]].

==Influence==
[[Image:Sailor Moon straight.jpg|thumb|Sailor Moon also helps Chris [[homos|STAY STRAIGHT]]]]
[[Image:324-SailorMoonBetweenFriends.jpg|thumb|[[Scrapbook]] image]]

''Sailor Moon'''s influence can clearly be seen in his artwork from around issue four of ''[[Sonichu]]''. He began drawing his character with big shiny animu eyes around this time, as well as creating the character of [[Sailor Megtune]] which is nothing more than Megan dressed in [[Wikipedia:Japanese_school uniform#Sailor outfit|sailor fuku]]. [[Crystal_Weston_Chandler_(sister)|Crystal]] also wears a sailor fuku in her transformed state.

Additionally, around ''[[Sonichu 4]]'', Chris starts referring to himself as the "warrior of love and honesty", much in the vein of Sailor Moon's own post-transformation speech, which he also rips off with the line "I will punish you!".

Chris's transformation into [[Chris-chan Sonichu]] also is more reminiscent of the transformation sequences in ''Sailor Moon'', in that they focus on individual aspects of the transformation itself, and usually require an item. This was not lost upon the [[Vivian|creators]] of the [[Audiobooks]], in which the Sailor Moon theme served as the background music to the transformation scenes.

Chris believes that staring nightly at [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|a poster]] featuring Sailor Moon and [[pedofork|Sailor Chibi Moon]] will banish [[homos|homosexual]] urges,<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate February 6th, 2009]]</ref> but the whole premise of Chris enjoying ''Sailor Moon'' is highly ironic considering the show is renowned for having many gay, [[gaybian|lesbian]] and [[Silvana|transsexual]] characters.

Occasionally, he will also give a reference to the show in [[Captain's Log]]s.<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate January 30th, 2009]]</ref>

==Sauces==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Anime]]
*[[Card_games#Sailor_Moon_TCG|Sailor Moon TCG]]
*[[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail]]
*[[Sailor Megtune]]
*[[Patti-Chan]]

==External links==
*[[Wikipedia:Sailor Moon|''Sailor Moon'']] at [[Wikipedia ]]

[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]

Father Call

2010-09-27T00:50:21Z

Flowen:

[[Image:Matthew_Devoria.jpg|thumb|Artist's interpretation of Matthew Devoria.]]

Early in November 2009, [[Chris|Solid Chris]] spent a little over two hours on the phone one night with '''Matthew Devoria''' (born 1957), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]]. Matthew is a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]], and a consummate badass with a really sexy voice.

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest content|honesty]], before going on to [[lie]] his ass off about any topic you care to mention.

Chris is even playing ''[[Wikipedia:Portal (video game)|Portal]]'' during the phone conversation: if you go to 01:22:21 (2:23 on YouTube video 9), you'll hear a turret saying "[[Target]] lost," seconds after Chris is told by Matthew that Kacey hasn't heard a word Chris has said. ''The irony is undeniable''. One could speculate that trolls were monitoring the call, and triggered the sound effect, as if to point out Chris's lack of attention. Given how crystal-clear the sound effect was compared to Chris, the trolls probably did it.

Their conversation is...illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matthew berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog|inability]] [[pokémon|to]] [[video games|grow]] [[sonichu|up]], [[chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[fat|rotund figure]], and for generally being a failure at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial chores]], mowing the lawn, which he uses a [[CWC Fighter|riding lawn mower]] to do, and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homo|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being confronted with the truth that he uses the [[trolls]] and his [[autism]] as a crutch, [[stress]] overcame him and Chris became increasingly more [[chris and anger|upset]]. In general, Chris's attitude and immaturity greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which didn't go so well...

==Transcript==
===Matthew makes the scene===
[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris, it's Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house cause, um, they wanted to call cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter...

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right, actually I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did 51 reps with, uh, 50 pound weights... not really weights, but...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause, reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times each arm so 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hm. Well, was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny cause I have to lift like... 100 or more pounds for my job but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Uh, okay, what's his name? ...Okay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry I didn't hear you, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Matthew? Okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' All right.

'''Kacey:''' All right well just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

[''Pause'']

'''Dad:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, s-good evening sir, how are you?

'''Dad:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm doing good.

'''Dad:''' Good, good... So, uh... So I've got a couple of questions for you... Well, more than a couple.

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an an-with an [[honest content|honest]] answer.

'''Dad:''' Okay, well uh, first and foremost, let's see...you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Not currently but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]], I have been filling out applications left and right.

'''Dad:''' Really, really, what kind of places? What kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, w-yeah, I'm looking a- I'm applying for like uh- retail stores and such, I've got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at [[Wal-Mart]], and had one over at [[Target]]...I have worked before, I've worked at [[Wendy's]] in Ruckersville for a few months... First off I worked off as a sales representative for [[Cutco]] cutlery.

'''Dad:''' Right, that's minimum wage stuff... Did you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

'''Dad:''' And you're working at...''Target''...I mean, I know the economy's bad but I mean... surely you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? ...How old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27... sir.

'''Dad:''' You're almost ''thirty'' and you're working at, uh...''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hm... yeah well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh... degree and certificate would get me but I mean like, you know... but I mean, if I-if I did know then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

'''Dad:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get... in that field and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Uh...I graduated in 2006.

'''Dad:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it... Hm, you haven't had any jobs between then?

===Pokémon volunteer and Chris's home===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had-I did-I have done volunteer work... uh...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Dad:''' What kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' All right, yeah, well, I have the-I helped the children over at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Citizens Gym League]] for the [[Pokémon]] Trading Card Game league a few years back...

'''Dad:''' ''Pokémon''? Wait, wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, build decks from what scraps they had, make sure they kept in order, don't get too crazy...

'''Dad:''' And...how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Dad:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that Pokémon thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' That was the late 90s.

'''Dad:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' And-um-that's still going strong. Maybe I-

'''Dad:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...And I have been doing that from 1998 till about 2008. So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Dad:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' ...Yeah but also like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Dad:''' Babysitting...but doesn't babysitting usually you know, pay? And I mean, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people, planting trees, that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah well, I have-I have been-I have helped people out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure children were playing and were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Dad:''' And...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore?

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, I was kinda like, uh, you know, uh, not so good at showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but you know we gotta move on. But anyway, aside from that I...I've been searching and, uh, doing yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

'''Dad:''' Right, right...Well anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, Pok-e-man now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|2-story house]] with my [[mother]] and my [[father]].

'''Dad:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] Almost 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but its like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the uh, for a while.

'''Dad:''' And uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Dad:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20... I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Dad:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask though...I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:'''Yes, yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my-of the house.

'''Dad:''' ...with her help?

'''Chris:''' ...and get a place of my own...

'''Dad:''' You need her help to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like you know...um...some details I'm not understand...I talk to my parents sometimes about that but it's like, uh, you know...uh...I...it's like a...whole bunch of details...you know...yeah.

'''Dad:''' EXPLAIN, PLEASE. I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need external influence, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Dad:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, just go to any college board.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

'''Dad:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know.

'''Dad:''' So, really, if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial situation and Crystal the tard-baby===
'''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself.

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Dad:''' Okay, then why aren't you? Where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]].

'''Dad:''' Do you now.

'''Chris:''' I get, yeah, I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Dad:''' So why do you get welfare? Might I ask? Or whatever you call it.

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of me moving out and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel that I could, I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Dad:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Dad:''' Are you now.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Dad:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Dad:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Dad:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Dad:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar...I can promise you that.

'''Dad:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

'''Dad:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [In a relatively quiet sigh] Great.

'''Kacey:'''Anything else, dad?

'''Dad:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go...what were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes, I'll be right back, dad.

'''Dad:''' I think there's some cake down there, too, go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, dad.

'''Dad:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see...if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

'''Dad:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Dad:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?

'''Dad:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Texas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Dad:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic dreams and Bob Chandler===
'''Dad:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

'''Dad:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Dad:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Dad:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Dad:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Dad:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Dad:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Dad:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]...

'''Dad:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Dad:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to draw and color. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I sculpt. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even technologically smart. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Dad:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Dad:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Dad:''' But...you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. I mean, that's not good, son. When I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Dad:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

'''Dad:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.
===Kacey's boobs and internet fame===
'''Dad:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Dad:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Dad:''' ''[laughs]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm-[[Ego|she could be smarter than me on some things]].

'''Dad:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Dad:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently [[Kacey Phone Call|when you first talked to her, you actually were pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, [[Liquid Chris|that other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Dad:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend Kim, she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Dad:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Dad:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Dad:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Dad:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Dad:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

'''Dad:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together... making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, internet, and I became internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah...

'''Dad:''' Don’t you... don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about... I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish... yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the internet bullies and trolls... and, uh... and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh...

'''Dad:''' This... okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this internet, I mean you just, all this internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just... this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===Twin Falling Towers and getting fired===
'''Dad:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... okay... you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam... that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Dad:''' But... and then what- and then YOU, you made this... Son-ni-chu thing. I mean... it’s like... ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing... that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um... you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah... 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean... that kinda hits... that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have... I put that...

'''Dad:'''You’re lucky I don’t... you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my... I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother... y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um... I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser internet troll, who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and...

'''Dad:''' You made a video...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had...

'''Dad:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some... GUY... on the internet... that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm... yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the internet, trying to... you know... y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name... And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off...

'''Dad:''' Okay, let me ask you... let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I... [trails off with a faint groan] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Dad:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Dad:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [Pause] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Dad:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' ...That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That... are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:'''No, no I'm not changing-

'''Dad:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Dad:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

'''Dad:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Dad:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

'''Dad:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Dad:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

'''Dad:''' Why do you sigh so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

'''Dad:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity, and chores===
'''Dad:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Dad:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have moved on from Pokémon years ago! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Dad:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

'''Dad:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Dad:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

'''Dad:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Dad:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Dad:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Dad:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

'''Dad:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

'''Dad:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' [[Pokéwalker of Fail|I have not played with Pokémon for years]], sir!

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Dad:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some Guitar Hero.

'''Dad:''' [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Dad:''' You have to stand up to play ''gitar''! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Dad:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Dad:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Dad:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups you did]], whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a.... fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Dad:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Dad:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point'']Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and fake internet women===
'''Dad:''' [''Matt is about to break down laughing.''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

'''Dad:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

'''Dad:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Dad:''' [''stress sigh of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the twin towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Dad:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Dad:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Dad:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Dad:''' And that's just, that's just that...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at straws at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Dad:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

'''Dad:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those two women died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

'''Dad:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

'''Dad:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Dad:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this one time where I actually thought it was a woman, and I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Dad:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I...[''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Dad:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Dad:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Dad:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''He's snapping.''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

===The maggot manchild and shit starts to hit the fan===
'''Dad:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Dad:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. I am a STRONG MAN. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Dad:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Dad:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts.''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Dad:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Dad:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Dad:''' Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Dad:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]]. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Dad:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Dad:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Dad:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Dad:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

'''Dad:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden? That was a heavy burden?

'''Dad:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Dad:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

'''Dad:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...

===Kacey returns===
'''Dad:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

'''Dad:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Dad:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Dad:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Dad:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Dad:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''He's still combative.''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Dad:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''another sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Dad:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Dad:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Dad:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Dad:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']
===Literature and health===
'''Dad:''' And if the internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Dad:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' The last book I read...was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''.

'''Dad:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Dad:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Dad:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Dad:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I...have...learned...that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lenny throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Dad:''' That's ''Of Mice and Men''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Dad:''' Yeeeaaaaah...did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is...just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Dad:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who Atticus Finch was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus...hm...Atticus...hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Dad:''' Yesss...man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I...I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Dad:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed''] Stuff...candy...don't...I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Dad:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Dad:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Dad:''' Kacey says you eat McDonald's. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Dad:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, Chris is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Dad:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Dad:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

[[Image:208x228 Advice-CWC-I-JOG-FIVE-MILES-A-DAY.jpg|thumb|Yep!]]

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Dad:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

'''Dad:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after...that was 30 seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Dad:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Dad:''' I'm a Marine. Not after...a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but...how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe...maybe after, I don't know, 10 miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about 15 minutes on a daily basis.

'''Dad:''' 15 minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Dad:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't...you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to videorecord five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' You "can"?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Dad:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Dad:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a Windows is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Dad:''' Don't...[''sputters'']...don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Dad:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Dad:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well...yeah, well, I can't...

'''Dad:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like...half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, so a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Dad:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Dad:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? The strong man outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...
===Liquid Chris and minimum wage jobs===
'''Dad:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have...you would be like Chris.

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than Chris.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Dad:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than Chris, you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Dad:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

'''Dad:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry Chris. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on YouTube where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Dad:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Dad:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Dad:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from Wendy's, most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Dad:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Dad:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about eight dollars an hour.

'''Dad:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Dad:''' If you want to do lifting you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Dad:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Dad:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Dad:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Dad:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Dad:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, daddy?

'''Dad:''' What's this he's talking about...minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Dad:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

'''Dad:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Dad:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.
===Respect and listening skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, daddy?

'''Dad:''' He's always been...he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Dad:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Dad:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the honest truth, from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, Chris charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, uhm, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to God.

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Dad:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

'''Dad:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Dad:''' Stop sighing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Dad:''' Didn't you just hear, she...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Dad:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Dad:''' This is...this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Dad:''' But this is...she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W...well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Dad:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you...you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Dad:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send...I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Dad:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.
===Chris's pathetic life and diseased ticker===
'''Dad:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play video games again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Dad:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your Pokeymans, watch TV. Sleep. Eat McDonald's. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Dad:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Dad:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Dad:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Dad:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Dad:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

'''Dad:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Dad:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Dad:''' O...kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

'''Dad:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Dad:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. FAT. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Dad:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for 15 minutes. That's...that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to 30 minutes.

'''Dad:''' 30 minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Dad:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Dad:''' A day. That...I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Dad:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Dad:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on Lipitor?

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Dad:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long...do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Dad:''' And play...okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Dad:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Dad:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little Buddha belly and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Dad:''' And you just told me 15 minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, 15 minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so you don't even run 15 minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's 15, they're, 15 minutes, they're 15-minute intervals, like I do 15 minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another 15 minutes of jogging.

'''Dad:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Dad:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Dad:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Dad:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

'''Dad:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About 72 beats per minute.

'''Dad:''' 72 beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about 100 beats per minute.

'''Dad:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately 84 right now.

'''Dad:''' 84 from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like arrhythmia or tachycardia. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of stress from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to McDonald's, and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're 30.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Dad:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't...less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go McDonald's anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Dad:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']
===Chris blows it, but he's an American!===
'''Dad:''' She was pretty, ah...let's say you just blew it, man. She was, she was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Dad:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Dad:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Dad:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about, yes you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Dad:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response, that's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel, I just feel very sad for her.

'''Dad:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about, you should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Dad:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, REALLY turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, 50 pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, MAYBE.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Dad:''' And I think she should be with her real fiancé right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like...a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly...as a friend...a true friend, a good friend...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

'''Dad:''' I do know. Because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well...points of view.

'''Dad:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. Belieeeeeeeeve me.

'''Dad:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Dad:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I...am an American! I am proud to be an American and I am STRONG. I am an individual...

[Portal can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Dad:''' Don't tell, don't tell me you're an American.

[Portal can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Dad:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic...if you were patriotic you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that 9/11 video. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't... do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I, at least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am, I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video, and making the apology.

'''Dad:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Chris's love and memory===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Dad:''' And you still made it. You...you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Dad:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Dad:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't...that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because...I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Dad:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Dad:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...you'd probably cry, for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Dad:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Dad:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Dad:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Dad:''' Turquoise? That's...that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Dad:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Dad:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Dad:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Dad:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Dad:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Dad:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Dad:''' No...[''exasperated sigh'']...no, okay, her grandmother, who is...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Dad:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Matthew crosses the line and Chris's reaction time===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Dad:''' A preschooler. God. This is...man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so...[[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

'''Dad:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' A line. You crossed the line. You've just...you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Dad:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Dad:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Dad:''' Are you...wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I...no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Dad:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Dad:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you...I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Dad:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Dad:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spellcheck, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Dad:''' Making...mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Dad:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Dad:''' Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't [[naïve]]? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Dad:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel...anger.

'''Dad:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Dad:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Dad:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli...what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Dad:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with...I'm sure your "autism" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Dad:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had 27 years of experience.

'''Dad:''' With what? Eating McDonald's and watching TV? Son, Chris is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had 52 years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school...prinstapull...and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Dad:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Dad:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Dad:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I, it was not a retard, no. It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to find a school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not...

'''Dad:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy...this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental...if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in Computer Aided Drafting and Design. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Dad:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''Angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Dad:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has don nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Dad:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Dad:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Dad:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet 27 years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Dad:''' And you...and you haven't, she wasn't alive 27 years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole 27 years.

'''Dad:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Dad:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Dad:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Dad:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is creepy and bad at dating===
'''Dad:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Dad:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Dad:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Dad:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Dad:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Dad:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Dad:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about...on her.

'''Dad:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Dad:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Dad:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy....shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Dad:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' Or even tried to.

'''Dad:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? Only one.

'''Dad:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Dad:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Dad:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Dad:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Dad:''' You can't think of...I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean...I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to Applebee's, and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Dad:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about ten dollars.

'''Dad:''' Ten dollars.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' That's...ten dollars for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Dad:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Dad:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Dad:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15 or 20 percent.

'''Dad:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid 10 dollars?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15 percent of 10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Dad:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, 80 dollars for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm...let's see...that would be about 12 dollars.

'''Dad:''' So you would pay just 12 dollars, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Dad:''' You could at least...they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well...good for them.

'''Dad:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Dad:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Dad:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Dad:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Dad:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Dad:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Dad:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Dad:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===Endgame===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well...I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Dad:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Dad:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's...that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for 15 to 30 minutes.

'''Dad:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Dad:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|You know that song, that "Whole New World," from that Disney movie]]? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Dad:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Dad:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Dad:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Dad:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Dad:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the Aladdin movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than 10 times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Dad:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Dad:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together.

'''Kacey:''' [''Bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?! You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''Heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. You can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid LittleBigPlanet thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So you know what? I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the two hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven two hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean...yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then...and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough. Because you haven't done anything like that. You've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, three songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid LittleBigPlanet thing for me. Come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the STRESS. I can't do this. I want a real man.

'''Kacey:''' [''Silence again''] You can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Dad:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you've done, Chris. Look what you've done!

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Dad:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Dad:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' [''Silence reigns''] I would like to say...good evening.

'''Dad:''' So...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=Kacey Phone Calls|prevlink=[[Kacey Phone Call]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Y1N7JXQ3 mp3 of phonecall]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SKLGsJC6R0 the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]

Mailbag 16

2010-09-24T01:55:11Z

Flowen:

__NOTOC__'''Mailbag 16''' was uploaded early in the morning of 10 [[December 2009]], and answered in the early morning hours of the 13th.

Perhaps the most notable letter in this mailbag is one that asks [[Chris]] a few seemingly innocent questions about feminism. Chris's response begins innocently enough, but he soon loses the plot, and starts ranting about how men are huge [[JERKS|jerks]] and blaming other people for making [[Rosechu]] look pathetic. Also interesting are Chris's ruminations on the friend zone, where he promotes the idea that the friendzone is a challenge to overcome.

Other highlights include the suggestion of a series of Chris-chan workout videos, not waiting for the [[third date]], and the return of Chris's abbreviation for "dumbass".

==Answered==
===Like Tae-bo, only made of fail===
{{Email|From: [[Wikipedia:Rembrandt_Brown|Rembrandt Brown]] <thecryinman@gmail.com>
Hey Chris!

Every day of my life I face challenges that require me to be both physically and mentally strong. I've seen some of your [[youtube]] videos that showcase your [[30 Push-Ups|impressive]] [[51 50|strength]] and [[CWC Fighter|fighting]] ability and was wondering if you could share some of your knowledge with your fans!

What would you recommend for a good diet for the days that you are working out? What kinds of different exercises would you recommend someone do for both strength and stamina? What are some techniques to being a good fighter? And finally, would you consider releasing a CWC workout video in the near future? Any tips would be great! Thanks!

Sincerely,
Rembrandt}}
{{EmailReply|Walking/Jogging is excellent Any Day of the Week, Yoga is a good practice, and eat Grilled Chicken, Vegetables and other healthy edibles at the reasonable diet rate. I don't think so on a Workout video.}}

===In which Chris fails to realize how sexist he really is===
{{Email|From: Layla Litte <popstar_layla@yahoo.com>
Hey Chris! My name is Layla, and I'm a college student currently taking a Feminist Literature class. I want to write my final essay on "Women's Empowerment in Sonichu". I'd love to get some quotes/answers from you, the original creator. That would be awesome. Here are my questions:
 1.) Do you consider yourself a feminist?
 2.) What do you think is the most important right that women today enjoy?
 3.) What do you think a woman looks for in her mate?
 4.) What do you think are the main differences between men and women?
 5.) What is the role of women in Sonichu?

Thanks so much!! "Zap to the extreme!"

Gratefully,
Layla L.}}
{{EmailReply|I am a full supporter for [[Women's Rights]], so I think so. I can't really say for sure as I am not a mind-reader, but I feel that the right women not only enjoy, but is also important, are having the same rights as men; the vote, to be recognized, and even, possibly crazily, walk a mile in the man's shoes and clothing. LOL I understand that women like men who stay clean, are truthful and honest, look good and all-around kind and considerate with a dash of rough and tough. I feel that if ALL some women look for in a man is Power, Fame or Money are Totally Shallow, or otherwise Low on Self-Esteem. The [[China|private]] [[Pickle|parts]] are a big difference. But from my P.O.V., [[Gal-pals|most women]] are kind, considerate, sweet, emotionally sharing, outgoing, yet sometimes harsh and strict with good intentions. And again from my P.O.V., [[JERKS|most men]] are obnoxious, [[Ego|selfish]], [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|violent]], [[Slow-in-the-mind|ignorant and mentally slow]], and they are certainly [[Autism|do not share their emotions]] to make themselves appear Tough and not weak. The women characters in the comics have roles in which they live as they would normally, or assert themselves in opinions and/or strength when appropriate. There are times when it may be considered they were portrayed by the stereotypes talked about, but that was never the case; I put them in those situations at those times as I saw fit in the story. For example, in the 20th Episode, Rosechu attacked the villians valiently, yet I had to let her get captured so I could make the recreation and reference to the Fan Animation from (YouTube User) Timmys1984 fully and successfully.

--[[User:ChrisChanSonichu|ChrisChanSonichu]] 07:50, 13 December 2009 (CET)}}

===Second date===
{{Email|From: Steven Pinelli <pinelliacid@gmail.com>
Hello Chris. I am a huge fan of your Sonichu franchise. You do amazing work! Anyway, here is my question. Tonight I am going on my second date with my new girlfriend. I know from reading your comics that [[hanky panky]] doesn't happen until date number three, however I really need to get my [[dick]] on. Do you think I should try to get my girlfriend to give me some china on my second date or would that be a mistake. Thanks for your reply, and keep making those awesome comics!

Steve}}
{{EmailReply|You may ask her if she wants to do that after the date, and if she is cool with it, then it is okay. But remain calm and cool when you bring it up.}}

===In which Chris reveals exactly how little he's learned===
{{Email|From: ldenver468@aol.com
Chris,

I'm in love with my best friend, Alisha Bleuler. I met her when she started working at the same coffee shop I work at. She's so perfect and beautiful and she really understands me as a person! I simply adore her! I've tried almost everything to get her to notice me; like flirting with her, standing really close to her when we're together in public, buying gifts for her, singing romantic songs to her, and painting pictures of her. It's nothing creepy or perverted, just stuff with us holding hands, kissing, and this one where we're frolicking together in an Spring meadow. I've had some pretty frank talks with her about my feelings, but she just doesn't seem to love me the way I love her. It's been driving me completely insane because I know there's some grand romantic gesture I could pull off to win her over, but what?

I know you've had a similar situation with a girl. If you could go back, what would you have done (or done differently) to win over [[Megan Schroeder]]?

Help me, Chris-Chan, you're my only hope!

Lester Denver}}
{{EmailReply|She may have put you in the [[Friend Zone]], alright. Most would say once you're in the Friend Zone, it is over on going beyond that, but I disagree. I recommend checking out the movie, "Just Friends" starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart; NOT exactly, but you may learn from how Ryan's character got out of the Friend Zone and stepped it up. Or you can ask her friends or family on what they think may be the way to win her over. Good Luck.}}

===Art and lesbians===
{{Email|From: resinbaby@aol.com
Hi, I saw that you are taking fanmail, and so I would love to ask you some questions, being a fan of your work!
 1. I am studying art myself - what would you suggest I do to improve my technique?
 2.Are there any artists that you look up to? Or styles you like? I myself love Vincent Van Gogh, Albrecht Dürer, Salvador Dali, and Andy Warhol. I also love the Surrealist and Baroque movements
 3. Finally, a question that I've been wanting to ask... I know you are against [[homos]]exual men, but what about homosexual women? Do you think they are unnatural as the homosexual men?

Thanks!}}
{{EmailReply|I would recommend drawing your foreground items/characters before adding all that goes behind them, and remember the one-point perspectives rule. That answers the first two questions. Yes, regardless of gender it is still wrong.}}

===Alcoholism===
{{Email|From: Gary Finch <garyfinch@live.com>
Hey-o CWC! Name's Gary, and I found out about your sonichu comics while me and my bros were chillin out at our house just drinking some brewhounds (what we call beers!!). My best friend Brody showed me your comics and I read all of them in a few days, they're just so good! Anyway, I was found out about how you like to drink like my friends and I. I was wondering how much you usually spend on [[alcohol]] in a week? I spend about $13 to get a 30 pack of Keystones every friday! Woo! What do you usally drink, and how often do you drink? Stay safe! Gary}}
{{EmailReply|I am more of a Social Drinker; I generally do NOT spend a weekly amount on drinks; I only drink at like a party or with a friend on rare ocassions.}}

===What's the big deal, district attorney?===
{{Email|From: Mike Oxaflopin <artiphtd@gmail.com>
Why have the [[Sonichus]] not been arrested for public indecency? None of them wear pants. I would not want to go outside and see another dude's dong. I thought you were against homos, Chris.}}
{{EmailReply|Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Porky Pig, even Sonic the Hedgehog Never Wore Pants in their shows/comics and such, and they NEVER got arrested, so What's The Big Deal, D.A.?}}

==Rejected Mailbag==
===Chris the slut===
{{Email|From: maynard Isveli <maynardpattern@gmail.com>
Chris, Hello, my name is Maynard. I am a young gay man from St. Louis. I know that you are very much against homosexuals, however, the other day I came across your sex video of you and your blowup doll on SlutLoad. I immediately started jacking off. I was so turned on looking at your hot plump rump. You are such a slut.

With tons of gay man love

Maynard}}

===Another letter about how much Chris fails at life===
{{Email|From: Black Anon <ablackanon@hotmail.com>
hey chris my name is carly im a big fan of yours and the way you protrayed yourself in your comics i just knew you were a handsome and fit man oh boy was i wrong. I saw your videos on youtube and your fat as a whale and ugly as sin. Thats why no girl will talk to you cause you are an ugly overweight person. think about it no other woman (dont count family members) have never called you cute thats why you are still a 27 year oldd virigin cause if you looked good you would have been lost your virginty by now and have a [[sweetheart]]. Dont get mad though god made you fat ugly and retarded for a reason. Also how does it feel to be a failure compared to your brothers and sisters who have good careers? }}

===In which Chris combines sex acts and vacuum cleaners===
{{Email|From: [[Wikipedia:Ron Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]] <rjeremy1953@gmail.com>
Chris,

Before I say anything else, I'd like to make it clear that I am straight and only have straight sex with women. But sometimes, when I'm alone, I like to suck my own dick. I've tried to stop doing it, as I have millions of women that I can have sex with at any time I want because I have a massive penis and I am a very, very attractive man. I'm so attractive and my penis is so big, if I were a homo, I'd fuck myself, hard. Yet even with women at my disposal, I still feel the need to do it. I fear that I may turn into a homo and fuck myself in the ass with my fucking massive cock because I'm so fucking hot! You, being such a hero for heterosexuals, like myself, must know how to stop these ungodly and sinful urges! I tried using crack to help me stop, but it just made me suck other guys dicks, so I stopped doing that. Have you ever had urges to sucked your own dick? If so, how did you stop them?

R. Jeremy}}
{{EmailReply|I did not have any such urges. But I suggest you reprogram your mind; Picture your dick being a Vacuum Cleaner Hose... That vacuum has been picking up dust, dirt, debris and other stuff that is usually found at a Garbage Dump. You would never put anything in your mouth that was among the germ-infested, possibly toxic trash and garbage from that dump, so Don't Do It.}}

===On the nature of trolls===
{{Email|From: [[Crystal]] Chondlar <crystalchondlar@gmail.com>
Saying you're sorry for the offensive things you're about to say doesn't make them acceptable, Chris. That is the mentality of a five year old, which is essentially what you are (on a good day). "I can do whatever I want as long as I say I'm sorry", no. You're technically twenty fucking seven years old, and you act like a child. A very, very young child.

Honestly, is it your mission in life to alienate yourself from every last person that still supports you? You had very few people on your side to begin with, and with each thing you do, that number continues to fade.

I wouldn't even call the larger group "[[trolls]]" anymore, Chris. Trolling implies things are being done at least partially just for amusement. I'm not sure that's the ase anymore. People legitimately hate you at this point, Chris. A lot of people. It isn't because you have Autism, and it certainly isn't because they're jealous. It's because as a human being, you fucking suck.

I doubt you read this, and I'm sure you don't have the balls to respond, but you need a fucking reality check. You need a reality LESSON, because you have absolutely no idea what reality is.}}

==Let me get back to you on that==
===Parkay analysis===
{{Email|From: Kevin Thompson <bumperrabbit92@gmail.com>
Chris, I viewed [[Sonichu's Edge|your recent running video]] and a couple of thoughts sprang to mind.

According to a map, you ran 579 metres. This took you four minutes. You stopped five times. This means to run the full five miles (roughly 8 kilometres) you claim to run each day would take you 60 minutes and include 80 rest breaks. That is a very poor effort indeed.

Have you been lying to us, and if I were to propose and draw you out a five mile course would you run, and film, the entire event to prove to us your running ability?

Sincerely,

Dr. Kevin Thompson}}

===Chris continues to fail at Christianity===
{{Email|From: odnar@luukku.com
I think you're a great drawer and writer, but there are things that bug me
still.

While it's true that gayness is condemned in the Bible, so are using condom and
masturbating, which you all support. You can't be a good Christian if you accept
those.

Also, I think there are way too many similarities with Sonichus and [[Sonic the Hedgehog]]. Doesn't that violate any copyright laws?

Also, I find it insulting that there are no members of minorities as important
characters. You should fix this.}}

{{Mailbag}}

User:Flowen

2010-09-23T19:10:13Z

Flowen:

Hi, I'm Flowen. I hang out on IRC a lot (obviously in the #sonichu channel).

I also play PSO (offline) and lotsa Team Fortress 2 (SteamID's JediKiddo, add me!).

I guess I'll add things when I remember them or something.

<div style="clear:right; float:right; width:358x;">
{{IRCReg}}{{PVCC}}{{Americunt}}{{GrammarNazi}}
</div>

Vanessa AIM Chat 6

2010-09-02T21:13:11Z

Flowen: saw that weird template stretch the page, so I just made it normal text.

Vanessa AIM Chat 6 is the sixth chat between [[Chris]] and [[Joshua Martinez]], an old [[Chris's Education#James Madison University|acquaintance]] pretending to be [[Vanessa Hudgens]]. It took place on 21 [[April 2009]].

==Summary==

This chat opens with Chris talking about his previous [[Chris and the Law|arrests]]. He reveals that it was [[Ivy]]'s idea to draw her dad as Coach McGuirk. He talks more about [[God and Jesus]] telling him about Ivy being the one. If she has a son, she'll name him [[Reginald Sneasel|Reginald]]. He claims to know a little [[CWC Fighter|karate]] and that he's so strong that he can [[Clyde is Weaker than Water|lift his office chair]] with an object on it. Amazingly, he admits that Josh could probably beat him in karate, saying that the beating he would receive makes him want to cry.

==Transcript==

[''Robotnik's Note: I was almost not going to post this due to lack of lulz, then towards the end when he starts acting tough and talks about how attractive he is I decided it had to be posted.'']

'''ChrisChanSonichu (11:33:45 PM):''' she's okay. but now she's giving me a mean-eye; your bodyguards did a background check on me, with my run-ins with the police.
 '''Joshua (11:33:57 PM):''' yeah
 '''Joshua (11:34:53 PM):''' they do alot of background check alot bc they care for me
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:35:38 PM):''' I understand.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:35:49 PM):''' I just typed up what happened with the police to Emily.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:36:04 PM):''' would you like to know too?
 '''Joshua (11:36:10 PM):''' sure
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:36:20 PM):''' This was in my EARLIER days of my Sweetheart Search Years Ago; I got handcuffed for "solicitation" and "loitering"; my attraction method for finding women was a sign stating that I was a single male, seeking a boyfriend-free woman. I learned a year or two later from my mother's words that having the sign by my side made me look retarded, and gave a possible impression of selling sex, which was NOT the case.
 '''Joshua (11:36:56 PM):''' oh
 '''Joshua (11:37:49 PM):''' yeah emily very cute girl
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:38:42 PM):''' Ivy is a beautiful girl too. Next time you talk to Harleen, or I meet you (whichever comes first), you may ask Harleen about Ivy; they were close friends.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:39:16 PM):''' she may also confidentially share a picture with you, if I don't first.
 '''Joshua (11:39:27 PM):''' ok
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:39:54 PM):''' yesterday was our 2-month anniversary since we started talking to each other on the phones.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:40:08 PM):''' I sent her a fun animated greeting e-card
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:40:38 PM):''' and I'm going to create a new music video for her, where the story is a fantasy wedding between me and her.
 '''Joshua (11:41:45 PM):''' oh ic
 '''Joshua (11:42:29 PM):''' you should send emily some pic's of you
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:42:42 PM):''' the new video was her idea, and I delightfully agreed to it; she e-mailed me some of her details for the wedding. She wanted me to redraw "Home Movies"' Coach McGuirk for her father. :D
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:43:12 PM):''' I tried; she is not using an AOL client that can receive files on the AIM, or even in e-mail to her AIM address.
 '''Joshua (11:45:55 PM):''' Have you try Sex on the Beach?
 '''Joshua (11:48:30 PM):''' ??
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:48:44 PM):''' I'm sorry; I just accidentally angered Emily.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:50:30 PM):''' She said that after I made up for missing y'all with lunch next tuesday, she'll do something for me; I misunderstood and said a wrong thing with no intention of harm.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:50:34 PM):''' :(
 '''Joshua (11:50:48 PM):''' ok
 '''Joshua (11:51:08 PM):''' well you need to be nice
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:54:36 PM):''' that's not easy to think up on the spot, but I just explained how I can relate to how she feels about my mistake.
 '''Joshua (11:54:49 PM):''' k
 '''Joshua (11:54:58 PM):''' you have a mic?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:55:05 PM):''' yeah, but hang on for a bit.
 '''Joshua (11:55:18 PM):''' say sorry to her on the mic
 '''Joshua (11:58:13 PM):''' she's very Sexy
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (11:59:35 PM):''' I'm sure of that, but I'm just confiding in her about a piece of my past with encyclopedia dramatica.
 '''Joshua (11:59:44 PM):''' ok
 '''Joshua (12:06:17 AM):''' so what you think about emily?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:06:50 AM):''' she's a good girl.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:07:35 AM):''' she is understanding of my past situation, and I think she's feeling empathetic for me too.
 '''Joshua (12:07:48 AM):''' kool
 '''Joshua (12:10:37 AM):''' so ask me something you think Ivy is the 1 for you?
 '''Joshua (12:11:15 AM):''' ?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:11:58 AM):''' God told me so in his own words, and I've told you the true story about the previous music video and my fixed biological clock.
 '''Joshua (12:13:18 AM):''' if you amd Ivy have a girl what would u Name it?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:13:23 AM):''' Crystal
 '''Joshua (12:13:27 AM):''' if it was a Boy?
 '''Joshua (12:13:33 AM):''' i mean the whole name
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:13:34 AM):''' Reginald, or her choice.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:13:41 AM):''' girl: Crystal Weston Chandler
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:14:06 AM):''' boy, Reginald (her choice for middle name and/or different first name) Chandler.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:14:44 AM):''' Crystal is just a pretty name, and I have had NUMEROUS DREAMS where I had my daughter in my arms, and her name was always Crystal Weston Chandler.
 '''Joshua (12:17:55 AM):''' so i heard you know Karate?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:17:55 AM):''' I just finished talking to Emily; she's cool with me again; it is scheduled for a second attempt next tuesday.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:17:59 AM):''' a bit
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:18:51 AM):''' meeting in the Cafeteria/Ballroom building. Let's plan on meeting in front of the Ballroom entrance, just down the hall from the info desk on the 2nd floor.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:19:27 AM):''' I can do a karate kick and chop, but I don't consider myself a blackbelt.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:19:29 AM):''' :)
 '''Joshua (12:20:33 AM):''' so you think you good as Joshua?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:21:50 AM):''' he's probably better than me at karate, but I am strong. I can lift my office chair in my room over my head, even with a moderately heavy object in the seat.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:22:05 AM):''' the chair alone is Heavy.
 '''Joshua (12:23:31 AM):''' so why dont you try Karate on Joshua
 '''Joshua (12:23:33 AM):''' ?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:24:08 AM):''' I don't want to accidentally hurt him; I am a peaceful-type gentleman.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:24:21 AM):''' but I can put up a good defense and offense when provoked.
 '''Joshua (12:25:27 AM):''' so you think Joshua can beat you in Karate?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:25:39 AM):''' most likely. lol
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:25:57 AM):''' but even I would be surprised if I could even pin him down.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:26:03 AM):''' he's slightly taller than me.
 '''Joshua (12:26:21 AM):''' that dont mean nothing
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:26:33 AM):''' I see that.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:26:59 AM):''' but, yeah, I honestly think he would beat up my ass if he wanted to.
 '''Joshua (12:27:05 AM):''' would you like too try it on Joshua?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:27:29 AM):''' IDK, maybe.
 '''Joshua (12:28:09 AM):''' ask him
 '''Joshua (12:28:15 AM):''' you should try
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:30:05 AM):''' I guess. lol but I feel kinda shy about it.
 '''Joshua (12:32:07 AM):''' well try it om Joshua this week
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:32:22 AM):''' next time I see him, I'll ask.
 '''Joshua (12:32:43 AM):''' he's gona say yes bc i know him really well
 '''Joshua (12:34:05 AM):''' what gona happen if you get ur ass kicked?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:35:19 AM):''' hopefully I won't be hurt soo bad I would require an ambulance, but I'd probably cry and weep from the pain for a short moment to a while.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:35:58 AM):''' but I have handled the heaviest of emotional pain, and I have expirenced a dose of physical pain too.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:36:02 AM):''' a good dose
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:37:26 AM):''' between being pinned down by the Nathanel Greene Elementary school staff in the 4th grade, being handcuffed and dragged, having my head rubbed vigorously on a carpet to make me shed bloddy tears.
 '''Joshua (12:41:04 AM):''' ur wanny try it see how good you are?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:41:36 AM):''' alright; a later time I see him, I'll ask him.
 '''Joshua (12:42:31 AM):''' so how you know ur Karate?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:42:43 AM):''' learned it from television mostly.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:42:45 AM):''' and movies
 '''Joshua (12:43:19 AM):''' so that makes you good from watching it?
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:44:15 AM):''' anyway, I have published a set of 8 questions on Sonichu, and 8 on myself. I'm not saying, but I have actually tried my karate in high school while I was in the gym, and in the lavatory so I don't have to touch the handle with my hands.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:46:28 AM):''' after we meet, I will let you watch my crazy nudie audition you requested, as well as my test of strength.
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:46:41 AM):''' those were on the CD-R.
 '''Joshua (12:48:18 AM):''' if joshua kick ur ass so bad and mess you face up how ur gona feel about it?
 '''Joshua (12:48:41 AM):''' ??
 '''Joshua (12:48:45 AM):''' just wounder
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:49:43 AM):''' A SHITLOAD OF PAIN, Physical, and Emotional; I would feel like my face is not as nice as it looks now, or before then, and that I would probably look like a hideous beast no woman would ever want. :( 
 '''ChrisChanSonichu (12:50:14 AM):''' I feel like I could cry just imagining that... :_(

[''Chat ends'']

{{succession|label=[[Vanessa AIM Chats]]|prevlink=[[Vanessa AIM Chat 5]]|nextlink=[[Vanessa AIM Chat 7]]|}}

[[Category:IRC]]

Jerkop

2010-09-02T18:46:22Z

Flowen: accidentally changed a quote.

{{quote|[[Mary Lee Walsh|That *&^%$]] SHATTERED MY HEART AND MURDERED MY SOUL. And it wasn't just her, the Policemen Imposters in Brown, White and Red, AKA The Jerkops (Blue and Black ARE the TRUE POLICE SOLDIERS) also seriously indented the impression that "[[Virgina is for Virgins]], NOT Lovers".}}

[[Image:146-Jerkop.jpg|thumb|A REAL AMERICAN HERO]]
A '''Jerkop''' is either a '''mall security guard''' or an "evil" '''police officer'''. The word itself is a portmanteau of "[[JERKS|Jerk]]" and "Cop".

In the comics, Jerkops are agents of [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. They are not seen much outside of the [[Sub-Episodes]].

==Appearance==
[[Image:Jerkops2004.jpg|thumb|left|Jerkops in a [[2004]] short]]

Jerkops are depicted as even more simplified than the other background characters in the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comics]]. Their legs are often held tightly together, as if they move via tiny wheels on the undersides of their feet. They have plain, curved, vase-like white bodies, and appear to be robotic, possibly being mass-produced.

According to the [[CWCipedia]], there are three types of Jerkops. The basic ones are the usual white-shirted ones, mostly seen in the comics. A higher-up level version are ones donning red uniforms. The final level are the brown-uniformed ones, who are either [[Jerkhief]]s or a Jerkop [[Excel Saga|Daitenzen]], such as [[Bagget]].
{{clear}}

==Police?==
{{quote|And so, I urge you the citizens of CWCville to remember, with the police, only black and blue are true; all other colors are VICE!|Chris displays his irrational hatred of the Vice Squad, ''[[Sonichu 5]]'', page 28}}

[[Image:ECP_00025.jpg|thumb|left|Fuck da police!]]
[[File:IwouldntfeelcomfortableMySpace.jpg|thumb|"Police-Women" on Chris's dating blacklist]]

While a common misconception is that [[Chris]] is essentially delivering a verbose "Fuck the Police", he clarifies in ''[[Sonichu 5]]'' that [[Niggos|brown]] is wrong, and the standard black and blue are [[Fail|TRUE AND HONEST]]. Ergo, while he loathes mall security for preventing him from [[Attraction Sign|soliciting]], the cops that have real guns and beat black people on the side of the road are A-OK. Just like with [[homosexuality]], Chris decided to vilify those that dare see differently from him.

You'd think that Chris would recall that ''before'', he said that all cops were good as long as they were wearing blue and black. However, because [[Bagget|Marcus Baggett]], a real police officer, arrested Chris (for completely legitimate reasons), he is suddenly not a TRUE and HONEST police officer. So, according to Chris, cops are only okay if they wear blue and black and don't try to arrest him for breaking the law. So let's guess that he doesn't take kindly to state troopers, county sheriffs and park rangers, who usually are associated wearing brown but have equal police power to those who wear blue and black. Also, British, Australian and Canadian police uniforms usually consist of a Kevlar vest and a white shirt much like that of the mallcops who beat Chris. So, if you're a cop wearing white, don't fight, shoot Chris on sight!

Of note, police in [[CWCville]] are probably extremely inept. Not once have they appeared in the fight against [[Mary Lee Walsh]] or the Jerkops, with the exception of ''Sonichu 5'' (where Chris orders them away almost instantly). More than likely, the TRUE police probably don't give a shit about CWC's vendetta, and are hanging with [[Yawning Squirtle]] somewhere.

==Equipment==

{{quote|MY WOODEN BADGE WAS DELICIOUS|[[Jerkhief]], on his appetizer at [[Country Cookin]]}}

[[Image:Freudiangun.jpg|right|thumb|A pistol cleverly disguised as a [[penis|duck]].]]

Jerkops, in order to cockblock everyone, are equipped with faux badges, evidently made of crackers, [[Semen|glitter glue]], and treebark. What purpose these serve is unknown, as [[Chris|no one]] would be so [[Autistic|retarded]] to fall for such a shoddy disguise.

In terms of weaponry, most Jerkops carry an out-of-date breadstick, aka "a nightstick," pulled from nowhere, and one was carrying handcuffs in ''[[Sonichu 4]]''. The [[Jerkhief]] carries a [[Fail|metallic slingshot]], aka "a handgun," and sometimes wears a metal suit. The most heavily armed Jerkop is the [[W-M-Manajerk]], utilizing a [[Anime|giant shell of robotic armor]] along with a golden axe.
{{clear}}

==Weaknesses==
[[Image:Cwckicktothenads.JPG|center|thumb|300px|This is how Chris deals with people who tell him to GTFO]]
As demonstrated above, the best way to reduce those who prevent you from violating the law to a quivering pile of jelly is [[CWC Fighter|a good kick]] in the balls, or as Chris calls it, the "Sourdough region". The lowest levels of Jerkop require only a single kick to this region, while higher-level Jerkops such as the [[Jerkhief]] may require as many as five kicks, because their fat absorbs the impact.

==Creation of a Jerkop==

According to the CWCipedia, Jerkops are normal men and women who ended up attending [[Mary Lee Walsh|Slaweel Yram]]'s school, known as "Prowldent Virginia Community College", unknowingly. Upon entering the school for the first day, they are infected with "brainwashing powder" that unconsciously affects them. They can live normal lives, but once Slaweel has need for them, she'll activate the brainwashing to send them out to cockblock Chris.

In [[Sonichu 4#Sub-Episode 6: "Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari"|earlier documentation]], Chris made clear that the Jerkop brainwashing only worked on "[[slow-in-the-minds]]", and others of [[Christian Weston Chandler|lesser intelligence]]. It wasn't until ''[[Sonichu 9]]'' where any mention was made of the idea of un-brainwashing the Jerkops, and even then Chris makes clear that his Electric Hedgehogs have managed to actually [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|''kill'']] several of the completely innocent retards in their fights.

Whatever the previous method of un-brainwashing the Jerkops that Sonichu and company manage not to outright murder, it becomes a moot point in [[Sonichu 10]], when [[Ultra Sonichu]] uses his [[GodJesus|Nigh Omnipotence]] to supposedly cure all jerkops everywhere forever.

==Appearances in comic==
*[[Sonichu_0#Sub-Episode_1:_Christian_Chandler_in_.22Jerkop-tastropie.22|Sonichu 0 Sub-Episode 1:Christian Chandler in "Jerkop-Tastrophe"]]
*[[Sonichu_4#Sub-Episode_6:_.22Christian_Chandler.27s_Backyard_Safari.22|Sonichu 4 Sub Episode 6: Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari]]
*[[Sonichu_4#Sub-Episode_7:_Christian_Chandler_in_.22Off-Target.22|Sonichu 4 Sub-Episode 7: Off-Target]]
*[[Sonichu_4#Sub-Episode_8:_Christian_Chandler_in_.22Off-Target_part_2.22|Sonichu 4 Sub-Episode 8: Off-Target part 2]]

==Notable Jerkops==
*[[Jerkhief]]
*[[Bagget]]
*[[Punislav]]
*[[Officer Keino]]
*[[Officer Nasty]]

==See also==
{{Fan art|chris=Jerkops|linkname=Jerkops}}
*[[List of Sonichu characters#Janekops|Janekops]]
*[[Manajerks]]
*[[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]]
*[[Chris and the Law]]

{{Sonichu}}
[[Category: Villains]]

Jerkop

2010-09-02T18:45:28Z

Flowen: grammar, flow. the usual.

{{quote|[[Mary Lee Walsh|That *&^%$]] SHATTERED MY HEART AND MURDERED MY SOUL. And it wasn't just her, the Policemen Impostors in Brown, White and Red, AKA The Jerkops (Blue and Black ARE the TRUE POLICE SOLDIERS) also seriously indented the impression that "[[Virgina is for Virgins]], NOT Lovers".}}

[[Image:146-Jerkop.jpg|thumb|A REAL AMERICAN HERO]]
A '''Jerkop''' is either a '''mall security guard''' or an "evil" '''police officer'''. The word itself is a portmanteau of "[[JERKS|Jerk]]" and "Cop".

In the comics, Jerkops are agents of [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. They are not seen much outside of the [[Sub-Episodes]].

==Appearance==
[[Image:Jerkops2004.jpg|thumb|left|Jerkops in a [[2004]] short]]

Jerkops are depicted as even more simplified than the other background characters in the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comics]]. Their legs are often held tightly together, as if they move via tiny wheels on the undersides of their feet. They have plain, curved, vase-like white bodies, and appear to be robotic, possibly being mass-produced.

According to the [[CWCipedia]], there are three types of Jerkops. The basic ones are the usual white-shirted ones, mostly seen in the comics. A higher-up level version are ones donning red uniforms. The final level are the brown-uniformed ones, who are either [[Jerkhief]]s or a Jerkop [[Excel Saga|Daitenzen]], such as [[Bagget]].
{{clear}}

==Police?==
{{quote|And so, I urge you the citizens of CWCville to remember, with the police, only black and blue are true; all other colors are VICE!|Chris displays his irrational hatred of the Vice Squad, ''[[Sonichu 5]]'', page 28}}

[[Image:ECP_00025.jpg|thumb|left|Fuck da police!]]
[[File:IwouldntfeelcomfortableMySpace.jpg|thumb|"Police-Women" on Chris's dating blacklist]]

While a common misconception is that [[Chris]] is essentially delivering a verbose "Fuck the Police", he clarifies in ''[[Sonichu 5]]'' that [[Niggos|brown]] is wrong, and the standard black and blue are [[Fail|TRUE AND HONEST]]. Ergo, while he loathes mall security for preventing him from [[Attraction Sign|soliciting]], the cops that have real guns and beat black people on the side of the road are A-OK. Just like with [[homosexuality]], Chris decided to vilify those that dare see differently from him.

You'd think that Chris would recall that ''before'', he said that all cops were good as long as they were wearing blue and black. However, because [[Bagget|Marcus Baggett]], a real police officer, arrested Chris (for completely legitimate reasons), he is suddenly not a TRUE and HONEST police officer. So, according to Chris, cops are only okay if they wear blue and black and don't try to arrest him for breaking the law. So let's guess that he doesn't take kindly to state troopers, county sheriffs and park rangers, who usually are associated wearing brown but have equal police power to those who wear blue and black. Also, British, Australian and Canadian police uniforms usually consist of a Kevlar vest and a white shirt much like that of the mallcops who beat Chris. So, if you're a cop wearing white, don't fight, shoot Chris on sight!

Of note, police in [[CWCville]] are probably extremely inept. Not once have they appeared in the fight against [[Mary Lee Walsh]] or the Jerkops, with the exception of ''Sonichu 5'' (where Chris orders them away almost instantly). More than likely, the TRUE police probably don't give a shit about CWC's vendetta, and are hanging with [[Yawning Squirtle]] somewhere.

==Equipment==

{{quote|MY WOODEN BADGE WAS DELICIOUS|[[Jerkhief]], on his appetizer at [[Country Cookin]]}}

[[Image:Freudiangun.jpg|right|thumb|A pistol cleverly disguised as a [[penis|duck]].]]

Jerkops, in order to cockblock everyone, are equipped with faux badges, evidently made of crackers, [[Semen|glitter glue]], and treebark. What purpose these serve is unknown, as [[Chris|no one]] would be so [[Autistic|retarded]] to fall for such a shoddy disguise.

In terms of weaponry, most Jerkops carry an out-of-date breadstick, aka "a nightstick," pulled from nowhere, and one was carrying handcuffs in ''[[Sonichu 4]]''. The [[Jerkhief]] carries a [[Fail|metallic slingshot]], aka "a handgun," and sometimes wears a metal suit. The most heavily armed Jerkop is the [[W-M-Manajerk]], utilizing a [[Anime|giant shell of robotic armor]] along with a golden axe.
{{clear}}

==Weaknesses==
[[Image:Cwckicktothenads.JPG|center|thumb|300px|This is how Chris deals with people who tell him to GTFO]]
As demonstrated above, the best way to reduce those who prevent you from violating the law to a quivering pile of jelly is [[CWC Fighter|a good kick]] in the balls, or as Chris calls it, the "Sourdough region". The lowest levels of Jerkop require only a single kick to this region, while higher-level Jerkops such as the [[Jerkhief]] may require as many as five kicks, because their fat absorbs the impact.

==Creation of a Jerkop==

According to the CWCipedia, Jerkops are normal men and women who ended up attending [[Mary Lee Walsh|Slaweel Yram]]'s school, known as "Prowldent Virginia Community College", unknowingly. Upon entering the school for the first day, they are infected with "brainwashing powder" that unconsciously affects them. They can live normal lives, but once Slaweel has need for them, she'll activate the brainwashing to send them out to cockblock Chris.

In [[Sonichu 4#Sub-Episode 6: "Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari"|earlier documentation]], Chris made clear that the Jerkop brainwashing only worked on "[[slow-in-the-minds]]", and others of [[Christian Weston Chandler|lesser intelligence]]. It wasn't until ''[[Sonichu 9]]'' where any mention was made of the idea of un-brainwashing the Jerkops, and even then Chris makes clear that his Electric Hedgehogs have managed to actually [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|''kill'']] several of the completely innocent retards in their fights.

Whatever the previous method of un-brainwashing the Jerkops that Sonichu and company manage not to outright murder, it becomes a moot point in [[Sonichu 10]], when [[Ultra Sonichu]] uses his [[GodJesus|Nigh Omnipotence]] to supposedly cure all jerkops everywhere forever.

==Appearances in comic==
*[[Sonichu_0#Sub-Episode_1:_Christian_Chandler_in_.22Jerkop-tastropie.22|Sonichu 0 Sub-Episode 1:Christian Chandler in "Jerkop-Tastrophe"]]
*[[Sonichu_4#Sub-Episode_6:_.22Christian_Chandler.27s_Backyard_Safari.22|Sonichu 4 Sub Episode 6: Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari]]
*[[Sonichu_4#Sub-Episode_7:_Christian_Chandler_in_.22Off-Target.22|Sonichu 4 Sub-Episode 7: Off-Target]]
*[[Sonichu_4#Sub-Episode_8:_Christian_Chandler_in_.22Off-Target_part_2.22|Sonichu 4 Sub-Episode 8: Off-Target part 2]]

==Notable Jerkops==
*[[Jerkhief]]
*[[Bagget]]
*[[Punislav]]
*[[Officer Keino]]
*[[Officer Nasty]]

==See also==
{{Fan art|chris=Jerkops|linkname=Jerkops}}
*[[List of Sonichu characters#Janekops|Janekops]]
*[[Manajerks]]
*[[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]]
*[[Chris and the Law]]

{{Sonichu}}
[[Category: Villains]]

Christmas

2010-09-01T18:33:14Z

Flowen: A little grammar, a little flow.

[[Image:MerryCWCmas.jpg|right|thumb|Merry C-Mas, to all the [[Trolls]] and [[JERKS]] and [[Homos]] and [[Niggos]] and [[Jerkops]] out there!]]
'''Christmas''', or as [[Chris]] sometimes [[CWC-isms|retardedly calls it]], '''C-Mas''', is our hero's favorite of all holidays. He always celebrates it at [[14 Branchland Court|home]] with his family, and often mentions it in his fail-tastic comics and videos.

==Christmas in the Chandler Family==
[[Image:0011-ChristopherBobXmas.jpg|right|thumb|Bob and little Chris remembering Jesus.]]
{{quote|We celebrate like normal; a decorated tree, get-together, remembering [[Jesus]] and all.|ChrisChanSonichu, [[Mailbag 2#Holidays with the Chandlers|Mailbag 2]].}}

Despite Chris's insistence that Christmas is a time for family, [[Cole Smithey]], an atheist, does not take part in the traditional Chandler family celebrations.

{{Incomplete}}

==Santa Claus'''''e''''' [sic]==
[[Image:ChrisSanta.jpg|right|thumb|Chris wishes he were as much of a man as Mr. "Clause" is.]]
{{quote|[2008-12-15 07::03:20] EXKeine: Christmas is coming up, so... do you believe in Santa Claus? [2008-12-15 07::03:40] ChrisChanSonichu: yep.|Chris on Santa Clause [sic], [[IRC (15_December_2008)]]}}
{{quote|It’s been over a week since my [[PVCC|SUSPENSION]]; I am [[Stress|DEPRESSED]], [[Love Quest|LONELY]], SAD and BORED! I have [[Attraction Location|nowhere to go]] to attract a [[Boyfriend-free girl|Boyfriend-Free woman]]. I’ll be writing to Santa Clause [sic] this year, hoping that will bring me one. (8(|[[CWC's Diary]] for September 26, 2004, Chris acting like the 22-year-old grown-up man he is.}}
{{quote|Or for—since it's Christmas time, let's make like I'm Mister—yo' Misses Claus. I have a... good ole heat, 'cuz I took... a bit o'... [[Chris and sex|Viagra]]. Bam, ba-bam, bam, ho, ho-OH!|Chris RPing as The Man, [[iPods Down and Listen Up]]}}
{{quote|I did not say that I was taking Viagra; I was stating that in that role-play, Santa would be taking that.|Chris, [[Mailbag 20#Viagra roleplay and something about Santa Claus|Mailbag 20]], on Kris Kringle's erectile dysfunction.}}

"Santa Clause" [[Chris and English|[sic]]] (not to be confused with the [[wikipedia:The Santa Clause|movie that takes this spelling]]) is a being associated with Christmas, whom many children believe in, especially in Western countries. However, most of them actually stop believing in Santa around the age of 4 (according to surveys), most often when they find out it was actually [[Bob Chandler|their father]] with a [[Rollin' and Trollin'|fake beard]].

Chris, being the immature manchild he is, claims that he [[Chris and reality|still believes]] in "Santa Clause" [sic], despite being technically 28 years old. He even put Santa's name on his [[JERKS#The List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate|List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate]], which may imply that he: a) believes "Santa Clause" [sic] is real, b) believes Santa is a manly male man capable of landing himself a girlfriend (see also the [[Mailbag 20#Viagra roleplay and something about Santa Claus|Mailbag quote]] above). Also worth of note is the fact that Chris chose to put Santa's name on the list before [[God]] and [[Jesus]]... because, come on, these two [[JERKS]] never brought him even the tiniest presents!

Of course, all this doesn't necessarily mean that Chris actually ''does'' believe in Santa. Chris probably maintains this line because he ''wants'' to believe it and maintain memories of the happy Christmases of his childhood. For Chris, who still plays with da [[Lego|Legos]], professing a belief in Santa is "cute" and shows that he is "young at heart", one of his favorite traits. For everyone else, however, a 28 year old man professing a belief in Santa is quite creepy.

Note that, despite the high level of respect Chris has towards the Good Saint Nick, he can't even learn to [[Chris and English|spell his name right]].

In a 2010 [[Jackie_e-mails_Part_2|email exchange]] with a woman, Chris stated that he [[Honor roll|learned]] Santa wasn't real around age 15 or 16, but finally "[[Lie|gave up on him]]" at 24 after he failed to bring him a girlfriend for the third year in a row.

==Presents Chris gives, wishes for, and receives==
[[Image:0086-Christmas95-1.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas '95]]
[[Image:0128-Christmas96-6.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas '96]]
{{quote|My father likes Brach's Maple Nut Goodies, and my mother likes chocolate, so some edible treats of that variety is [[Obesity|a good suggestion]].|[[Mailbag 6#For the man who has everything|Mailbag_6]], on what he planned to give his parents for Christmas, 2009.}}

{{Incomplete}}

==Christmas-related songs and merch==

{{Incomplete}}

Chris also got the name of his [[Lovely Weather|future wife]] from singing a 1950s Christmas song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, which actually [[Autism|says a lot about Chris]].

He also seems to have an affinity for the song "Deck the Halls", as he raged like an idiot because the word [[homos|gay]] should only be used in context of "happy", as in the song.

==Other confessions==

Being the [[Lie|totally sensitive and tolerant person]] he is, Chris in his [[Sonichu]] Christmas special (the [[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas|text]] and [[Sonichu 11|comic]] versions) mentions the ways [[CWCville]] citizens of different faiths (that is, "Jewish folk", Buddhists, possibly [[Niggos|Black people]], and "a few humbuggers") celebrate their own wacky versions of Christmas.

===Haunaka/Chaunaka/Konica/Chanukkah [sic/sic/sic/sic]===

{{quote|Cera continues with a question, holding a cookie in a zip-loc bag, "I've invited Kevin too; do you think he'll like this candle-shaped cookie I made for him? He told me he was Jewish, and I thought it would be appropriate." Rosechu replies, "I think he'll love it. You have made it really special with the white frosting for the wax and the yellow for the flame. Uh, what kind of cookie was it again?" "Vanilla", replies Cera, "I felt it best to keep it neutral, in case he was allergic to the peanut butter or chocolate." "Very Smart," says Rosechu with a smile, exchanging a high-five with Cera.|[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]], Act 1}}

"[[IRC (22 December 2008)|Haunaka]]"/"[[IRC (22 December 2008)|Chaunaka]]"/"[[Holiday Greetings|Konica]]"/"[[Shout out to Fans in Hospital|Chanukkah]]"/whatever, is a holiday [[CWCville]] "Jewish folk" celebrate while most other citizens celebrate Christmas. On December 12, members of the CWCville Jewish diaspora set up "Menorah candles" (the "Haunaka" [sic] Menorah candelabrum has 7 candles in it, while the traditional Menorah used on Hanukkah, called a "Hanukkiah", has 9) instead of Christmas Trees, with dreidels lying under them. Since the candle-related symbolism is very much present in the RL Hanukkah rituals, it's in good taste to give CWCville Jews anything candle-related as a gift. E.g., when [[Sonichu]]'s daughter [[Cerah Rosey]] baked cookies for her friends, she decided to make her Jewish friend Kevin a candle-shaped one, because Jews love to be distinguished from other people on any occasions based solely on their faith, and would take deep offense in receiving a normal nothing-special-shaped cookie as a gift! That Cerah couldn't choose a more obvious Hanukkah symbol (such as a Menorah or a dreidel) over a ''generic candle'' shows that Cerah has extremely poor knowledge of even the most basic of Jewish traditions known in the Gentile world. That, and she's an ignorant retard like [[Christian Weston Chandler|Grandpa]].

In fact, there actually is a tradition of eating ''fried'' foods on Hanukkah, and vanilla is one of the allowed ingredients used in making them. Not that Chris knows anything about this, mind you - he just wanted to make sure that the cookie was hypoallergenic. Because Jews are Melvins who have many allergies, you see.

In [[IRC (22 December 2008)]] Chris listed "Haunaka" and "Chaunaka" as two different holidays, probably belonging to different religions. In his [[Shout out to Fans in Hospital]], he does nearly the same thing, saying "happy Hanukkah, Chanukkah, all the other holidays to everybody of other religions".

===Jolly Buddah [sic]===

{{quote|Christmas Trees are abound most everywhere: in the homes of the townfolk, [[CWCville Mall|in the stores]], [[CWCville Mayoral Office|in the offices]], and the biggest one in the center of [[McIntire Park|CWC-Central Park]]. Some have Menorah Candles, or even a Jolly Buddah [sic].|[[Sonichu 11|A Sonichu Christmas]] (the comic version)}}
{{quote|All the churches are full with all the believers, be they Christians, Jewish folk, Buddhists, and such.|[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]] (the text version)}}

From what we know, Buddhism is one of the religions Chris tolerates, and so he sometimes mentions it as a display of his "religious sensitivity". However, he probably doesn't know jack shit about Buddhism, and assumes that since Buddhists are all "good-hearted believers", they undoubtedly should celebrate Christmas in some way! So, in [[CWCville]], Buddhists celebrate their Buddhist Christmas by going to their Buddhist churches on starting December 12, and having a "Jolly Buddah" instead of a Christmas Tree.

By coincidence, Christmas is actually a popular holiday in some primarily Buddhist countries (such as [[anime|Japan]]). However, it's rare for celebrators to give the time special religious significance specific to their religion. Similar to how Halloween is celebrated in America based solely on the customs with practically no emphasis on the religious practices that started the holiday, so too do many Buddhists enjoy Christmas just as an excuse to put up lights and give each other gifts.

===Kawanza [sic]===

Little is known of what Chris thinks about [[Wikipedia:Kwanzaa|"Kawanza"]] [sic] and the related rituals, except that he [[IRC (22 December 2008)|once]] congratulated his [[trolls]] with this holiday (among others), misspelling its name in the process.

===Other faiths===

Chris doesn't say (or care, probably), what Muslims, Orthodox Christians, Hindus, Sikhs, Jains, Baha'is or Atheists do in [[CWCville]] on Christmas Day. Probably they're the "few humbuggers" whom Chris derides for not celebrating C-mas/Haunaka/Kawanza/whatever those wacky Buddhists celebrate.

==Notable Christmases in Chris's life==

===[[1989]]/[[1992]]===
[[Image:BearsteinbyChris.jpg|right|thumb|GodBear, directing his Chorus of AngelBears]]

On Christmas Day, 1992 (other sources claim it happened in [[1989]]), Chris got probably the most dumbfounding present in his whole life, and from [[Christopher's name change|GodBear]] himself, no less. While strolling with [[Bob Chandler|his father]] through the Regency Square Mall, Christopher, as he was called at the time, encountered a band of bears playing some Christmas songs. The boy chatted the director bear (called Leonard Bearstein) up, and being half-deaf from the cacophonic (read: shit) music they played, the stupid bear mistakenly named him "[[Christopher's name change|Christian]]".

The little [[Autism|retard]] saw that as an "OMG sign from God!!!" and a few months later [[IT TOOK A TALKING BEAR TO GIVE THE NAME A YOUNG BOY LOVES|got his name legally changed to "Christian"]]. And thus, as some researchers tend to think, has the epic saga of [[Fail]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 30th, 2009|begun]].

===[[2004]]===

{{quote|[[Stress sigh|[Chris sighs] ]] Well, at this time of year, all I can say right now is... that I hope Santa will comply with my request and bring me... [[Sweetheart|a pretty girlfriend]]. And so... happy holidays from... me, [[Christian Weston Chandler|Christian Chandler]] — by the way, you can [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 30th, 2009|call my Chris]] in public—and... thank you.|Emo Chris, [[So Need a Cute Girl]].}}
{{quote|I want a girlfriend for Christmas, to share my love, oh. I want a girlfriend for Christmas, to kiss under the mistletoe.|Chris, the poetic [[geinus]].}}

This Christmas, Chris expected to get: a) a [[Sweetheart|girlfriend]] from "Santa Clause" [sic], b) an [[Chris and remorse|apology]] from [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. Not surprisingly, he didn't get either, and became [[Stress|depressed]].

Earlier in December, he dedicated two different songs to the first of these two wishes: [[I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas]] (written on December 4) and [[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend]] (recorded on Christmas 20). The same day as the latter, Chris also recorded another song, the famous [[So Need a Cute Girl]], which was probably dedicated to the same thing.

If "Santa Clause" [sic] really exists, this proves that he's a major [[JERK]], or that he doesn't tie up girls and leave them under trees as gifts for horny manchildren.

===[[2005]]===
[[Image:0790-CMas05-5.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas 2k5]]
{{quote|Although I really don't mean to be cold but please don't try and advance kissing on me please. The truth is I don't want a boyfriend because I don't desire and idolize boys like other girls. I enjoy being indepentant. So you see what I mean? It's certainly nothing personal towards you. I'm just a girl who doesn't care about loving guys. That doesn't mean I can't be friends with them though.|[[Megan]] on 20 December 2005, trying to [[Lie|be diplomatic]] with Chris.}}

Chris was probably [[Stress|stressed]] as hell, because just a few days before his [[gal-pal]] and attempted [[sweetheart]] [[Megan Schroeder]] told him she doesn't like him [[Rape|trying to kiss her]], and that she [[Homo|doesn't want to have a boyfriend at all]]. Just to add insult to injury, "Santa Clause" [sic] brought him a [[Sonichu|shitty pirate ripoff]] instead of a genuine [[Lego]] set that year. No boyfriend-free girl under the tree this year either.

<gallery>
Image:077-StarOnTree.jpg
Image:078-StarFront.jpg
Image:079-StarBack.jpg
</gallery>

===[[2007]]===
[[Image:Fakeout-makeout2.jpg|right|thumb|Chris and Kimmi.]]

On December 26th, Chris bought himself [[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend|a pretty girlfriend]] called [[Kimmi]], who would become a rival to his longtime [[Sex toys|artificial heartsweet]] [[Officer Nasty]], on [[Adamandeve.com]]. Probably because "Santa Clause" [sic] didn't bring him one this year, either.

To compliment the sex doll, Chris also bought a "Vintage XXX Cartoons DVD/CD", and received "XXX Pleasure Seekers DVD/CD" and "Playboy Magazine Digital Edition DVD/CD" for free. The fact that Chris specifically sought something as bizarre as vintage porn cartoons to [[mass debating|fap]] his crooked [[duck]] to, for some reason, sits fine with all the other weird aspects of his twisted personality.

However, being unsatisfied with fantasizing about naked women drawn in the 1960s, Chris went to Adamandeve.com again soon after New Year's Day, and purchased some more XXX-rated Holiday Gifts for himself. These include: a "2008 Adam & Eve Calendar", a "[[Card games|Romance Roulette Card Game]]" (which Chris probably plays as [[Virgin with Rage|solitaire]]), and, the strangest one of the bunch, a "Carmen Boob Mousepad", whatever that is. He also got some free items as well, namely a "XXX Pleasure Seekers DVD/CD" and, most notably, the infamous "[[Homo|Anal Love Beads]]", which would become a popular theme for [[trolling]] Chris in the upcoming year.

===[[2008]]===

Chris got "a couple of [[DVD]]s, Bee Movie on Blu-Ray, [[Obesity|assorted chocolates]] and [[Bob Walks In|a calming family moment]]" ([[IRC_(28_December_2008)]]); in Chris's words, it was "simple, nothing extravagant". [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] outdid himself with a gift to [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] overshadowing [[Sonichu]] in over-the-top symbolism. "He gave her an arranged box of ornaments, with tags attached to them; each one representing her blessings; three angels, [[Christian Weston Chandler|me]], dad and my half-bro, [[Cole Smithey|Cole]]. Ones for [[Ruckersville]], Red Oak, [[Chandler Cats|our cats]], and one for [[Wikipedia:Snorlax|her]]." (Chris, on [[IRC_(27_December_2008)]]).

===[[2009]]===

Chris took the time to send [[Kill De Jack|warm wishes]] to a [[Jack Thaddeus|dear friend]]. He also received [[obesity|chocolate]] and [[video games]] from [[Mailbag 24|his family]]. For the rest, we'll see soon enough. Merry Christmas, [[Trolls|everyone]]!

==See also:==
*[[Chris and religion]]
*[[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend]]
*[[I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas]]
*[[Holiday Greetings]]
*[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]]
*[[Sonichu 11]]

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Christmas

2010-09-01T18:00:27Z

Flowen:

[[Image:MerryCWCmas.jpg|right|thumb|Merry C-Mas, to all the [[Trolls]] and [[JERKS]] and [[Homos]] and [[Niggos]] and [[Jerkops]] out there!]]
'''Christmas''', or as [[Chris]] sometimes [[CWC-isms|retardedly calls it]], '''C-Mas''', is our hero's favorite of all holidays. He always celebrates it at [[14 Branchland Court|home]] with his family, and often mentions it in his fail-tastic comics and videos.

==Christmas in the Chandler Family==
[[Image:0011-ChristopherBobXmas.jpg|right|thumb|Bob and little Chris remembering Jesus.]]
{{quote|We celebrate like normal; a decorated tree, get-together, remembering [[Jesus]] and all.|ChrisChanSonichu, [[Mailbag 2#Holidays with the Chandlers|Mailbag 2]].}}

Despite Chris's insistence that Christmas is a time for family, [[Cole Smithey]], an atheist, does not take part in the traditional Chandler family celebrations.

{{Incomplete}}

==Santa Claus'''''e''''' [sic]==
[[Image:ChrisSanta.jpg|right|thumb|Chris wishes he were as much a man as Mr. "Clause" is.]]
{{quote|[2008-12-15 07::03:20] EXKeine: Christmas is coming up, so... do you believe in Santa Claus? [2008-12-15 07::03:40] ChrisChanSonichu: yep.|Chris on Santa Clause [sic], [[IRC (15_December_2008)]]}}
{{quote|It’s been over a week since my [[PVCC|SUSPENSION]]; I am [[Stress|DEPRESSED]], [[Love Quest|LONELY]], SAD and BORED! I have [[Attraction Location|nowhere to go]] to attract a [[Boyfriend-free girl|Boyfriend-Free woman]]. I’ll be writing to Santa Clause [sic] this year, hoping that will bring me one. (8(|[[CWC's Diary]] for September 26, 2004, Chris acting like the 22-year-old grown-up man he is.}}
{{quote|Or for—since it's Christmas time, let's make like I'm Mister—yo' Misses Claus. I have a... good ole heat, 'cuz I took... a bit o'... [[Chris and sex|Viagra]]. Bam, ba-bam, bam, ho, ho-OH!|Chris RPing as The Man, [[iPods Down and Listen Up]]}}
{{quote|I did not say that I was taking viagra; I was stating that in that role-play, Santa would be taking that.|Chris, [[Mailbag 20#Viagra roleplay and something about Santa Claus|Mailbag 20]], on Kris Kringle's erectile dysfunction.}}

"Santa Clause" [[Chris and English|[sic]]] (not to be confused with the [[wikipedia:The Santa Clause|movie that takes this spelling]]) is a being associated with Christmas, whom many children believe in, especially in Western countries. However, most of them actually stop believing in Santa at around age 4 (according to surveys), most often when they find out it was actually [[Bob Chandler|their father]] with a [[Rollin' and Trollin'|fake beard]].

Chris, being the immature manchild he is, claims he [[Chris and reality|still believes]] in "Santa Clause" [sic], despite being technically 28 years old. He even put Santa's name on his [[JERKS#The List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate|List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate]], which may imply that he: a) believes "Santa Clause" [sic] is real, b) believes Santa is a manly male man capable of landing himself a girlfriend (see also the [[Mailbag 20#Viagra roleplay and something about Santa Claus|Mailbag quote]] above). Also worth of note is the fact that Chris chose to put Santa's name on the list before [[God]] and [[Jesus]]... because, come on, these two [[JERKS]] never brought him even the tiniest presents!

Of course, all this doesn't necessarily mean that Chris actually ''does'' believe in Santa. Chris probably maintains this line because he ''wants'' to believe it and maintain memories of the happy Christmases of his childhood. For Chris, who still plays with da [[Lego|Legos]], professing a belief in Santa is "cute" and shows that he is "young at heart", one of his favorite traits. For everyone else, however, a 28 year old man professing a belief in Santa is quite creepy.

Note that, despite the high level of respect Chris has towards the Good Saint Nick, he can't even learn to [[Chris and English|spell his name right]].

In a 2010 [[Jackie_e-mails_Part_2|email exchange]] with a woman, Chris stated that he [[Honor roll|learned]] Santa wasn't real around age 15 or 16, but finally "[[Lie|gave up on him]]" at 24 after he failed to bring him a girlfriend for the third year in a row.

==Presents Chris gives, wishes for, and receives==
[[Image:0086-Christmas95-1.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas '95]]
[[Image:0128-Christmas96-6.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas '96]]
{{quote|My father likes Brach's Maple Nut Goodies, and my mother likes chocolate, so some edible treats of that variety is [[Obesity|a good suggestion]].|[[Mailbag 6#For the man who has everything|Mailbag_6]], on what he planned to give his parents for Christmas, 2009.}}

{{Incomplete}}

==Christmas-related songs and merch==

{{Incomplete}}

Chris also got the name of his [[Lovely Weather|future wife]] from singing a 1950s Christmas song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Which actually [[Autism|says a lot about Chris]].

He also has seems to have an affinity to the song "Deck the Halls", as he raged like an idiot because the word [[homos|gay]] should only be used in context of "happy", as in the song.

==Other confessions==

Being the [[Lie|totally sensitive and tolerant person]] he is, Chris in his [[Sonichu]] Christmas special (the [[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas|text]] and [[Sonichu 11|comic]] versions) mentions the ways [[CWCville]] citizens of different faiths (that is, "Jewish folk", Buddhists, possibly [[Niggos|Black people]], and "a few humbuggers") celebrate their own wacky versions of Christmas.

===Haunaka/Chaunaka/Konica/Chanukkah [sic/sic/sic/sic]===

{{quote|Cera continues with a question, holding a cookie in a zip-loc bag, "I've invited Kevin too; do you think he'll like this candle-shaped cookie I made for him? He told me he was Jewish, and I thought it would be appropriate." Rosechu replies, "I think he'll love it. You have made it really special with the white frosting for the wax and the yellow for the flame. Uh, what kind of cookie was it again?" "Vanilla", replies Cera, "I felt it best to keep it neutral, in case he was allergic to the peanut butter or chocolate." "Very Smart," says Rosechu with a smile, exchanging a high-five with Cera.|[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]], Act 1}}

"[[IRC (22 December 2008)|Haunaka]]"/"[[IRC (22 December 2008)|Chaunaka]]"/"[[Holiday Greetings|Konica]]"/"[[Shout out to Fans in Hospital|Chanukkah]]"/whatever, is a holiday [[CWCville]] "Jewish folk" celebrate while most other citizens celebrate Christmas. On December 12 members of the CWCville Jewish diaspora set up "Menorah candles" (the "Haunaka" [sic] Menorah candelabrum has 7 candles in it, while the traditional Menorah used on Hanukkah, called a "Hanukkiah", has 9) instead of Christmas Trees, with dreidels lying under them. Since the candle-related symbolism is very much present in the RL Hanukkah rituals, it's in good taste to give CWCville Jews anything candle-related as a gift. E.g., when [[Sonichu]]'s daughter [[Cerah Rosey]] baked cookies for her friends, she decided to make her Jewish friend Kevin a candle-shaped one. Because Jews surely love to be distinguished from other people on any occasions based solely on their faith, and would take deep offense in receiving a normal nothing-special-shaped cookie as a gift! That Cerah couldn't choose a more obvious Hanukkah symbol (such as a Menorah or a dreidel) over a ''generic candle'' shows that Cerah has extremely poor knowledge of even the most basic of Jewish traditions known in the Gentile world. That, and she's an ignorant retard like [[Christian Weston Chandler|Grandpa]].

In fact, there actually is a tradition of eating ''fried'' foods on Hanukkah, and vanilla is one of the allowed ingredients used in making them. Not that Chris knows anything about this, mind you - he just wanted to make sure that the cookie was hypoallergenic. Because Jews are Melvins who have many allergies, you see.

In [[IRC (22 December 2008)]] Chris listed "Haunaka" and "Chaunaka" as two different holidays, probably belonging to different religions. In his [[Shout out to Fans in Hospital]], he does nearly the same thing, saying "happy Hanukkah, Chanukkah, all the other holidays to everybody of other religions".

===Jolly Buddah [sic]===

{{quote|Christmas Trees are abound most everywhere: in the homes of the townfolk, [[CWCville Mall|in the stores]], [[CWCville Mayoral Office|in the offices]], and the biggest one in the center of [[McIntire Park|CWC-Central Park]]. Some have Menorah Candles, or even a Jolly Buddah [sic].|[[Sonichu 11|A Sonichu Christmas]] (the comic version)}}
{{quote|All the churches are full with all the believers, be they Christians, Jewish folk, Buddhists, and such.|[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]] (the text version)}}

From what we know, Buddhism is one of the religions Chris tolerates, and so he sometimes mentions it as a display of his "religious sensitivity". However, he probably doesn't know jack shit about Buddhism, and assumes that since Buddhists are all "good-hearted believers", they undoubtedly should celebrate Christmas in some way! So, in [[CWCville]], Buddhists celebrate their Buddhist Christmas by going to their Buddhist churches on starting December 12, and having a "Jolly Buddah" instead of a Christmas Tree.

By coincidence, Christmas is actually a popular holiday in some primarily Buddhist countries (such as [[anime|Japan]]). However, it's rare for celebrators to give the time special religious significance specific to their religion. Similar to how Halloween is celebrated in America based solely on the customs with practically no emphasis on the religious practices that started the holiday, so too do many Buddhists enjoy Christmas just as an excuse to put up lights and give each other gifts.

===Kawanza [sic]===

Little is known about what Chris thinks about [[Wikipedia:Kwanzaa|"Kawanza"]] [sic] and the related rituals, except that he [[IRC (22 December 2008)|once]] congratulated his [[trolls]] with this holiday (among others), misspelling its name in the process.

===Other faiths===

Chris doesn't say (or probably, care), what Muslims, Orthodox Christians, Hindus, Sikhs, Jains, Baha'is or Atheists do in [[CWCville]] on Christmas Day. Probably they're the "few humbuggers" whom Chris derides for not celebrating C-mas/Haunaka/Kawanza/whatever those wacky Buddhists celebrate.

==Notable Christmases in Chris's life==

===[[1989]]/[[1992]]===
[[Image:BearsteinbyChris.jpg|right|thumb|GodBear, directing his Chorus of AngelBears]]

On Christmas Day, 1992 (other sources claim it happened in [[1989]]), Chris got probably the most dumbfounding present in his whole life, and from [[Christopher's name change|GodBear]] himself, no less. While strolling with [[Bob Chandler|his father]] through the Regency Square Mall, Christopher, as he was called at the time, encountered a band of bears playing some Christmas songs. The boy chatted the director bear (called Leonard Bearstein) up, and being half-deaf from the cacophonic (read: shit) music they played, the stupid bear mistakenly named him "[[Christopher's name change|Christian]]".

The little [[Autism|retard]] saw that as an "OMG sign from God!!!" and a few months later [[IT TOOK A TALKING BEAR TO GIVE THE NAME A YOUNG BOY LOVES|got his name legally changed to "Christian"]]. And thus, as some researchers tend to think, has the epic saga of [[Fail]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 30th, 2009|begun]].

===[[2004]]===

{{quote|[[Stress sigh|[Chris sighs] ]] Well, at this time of year, all I can say right now is... that I hope Santa will comply with my request and bring me... [[Sweetheart|a pretty girlfriend]]. And so... happy holidays from... me, [[Christian Weston Chandler|Christian Chandler]] — by the way, you can [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 30th, 2009|call my Chris]] in public—and... thank you.|Emo Chris, [[So Need a Cute Girl]].}}
{{quote|I want a girlfriend for Christmas, to share my love, oh. I want a girlfriend for Christmas, to kiss under the mistletoe.|Chris, the poetic [[geinus]].}}

This Christmas, Chris expected to get: a) a [[Sweetheart|girlfriend]] from "Santa Clause" [sic], b) an [[Chris and remorse|apology]] from [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. Not surprisingly, he didn't get either, and became [[Stress|depressed]].

Earlier in December, he dedicated two different songs to the first of these two wishes: [[I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas]] (written on December 4) and [[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend]] (recorded on Christmas 20). The same day as the latter, Chris also recorded another song, the famous [[So Need a Cute Girl]], which was probably dedicated to the same thing.

If "Santa Clause" [sic] really exists, this proves that he's a major [[JERK]]. Or that he doesn't tie up girls and leave them under trees as gifts for horny manchildren.

===[[2005]]===
[[Image:0790-CMas05-5.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas 2k5]]
{{quote|Although I really don't mean to be cold but please don't try and advance kissing on me please. The truth is I don't want a boyfriend because I don't desire and idolize boys like other girls. I enjoy being indepentant. So you see what I mean? It's certainly nothing personal towards you. I'm just a girl who doesn't care about loving guys. That doesn't mean I can't be friends with them though.|[[Megan]] on 20 December 2005, trying to [[Lie|be diplomatic]] to Chris.}}

Chris was probably [[Stress|stressed]] as hell, because just a few days before his [[gal-pal]] and attempted [[sweetheart]] [[Megan Schroeder]] told him she doesn't like him [[Rape|trying to kiss her]], and that she [[Homo|doesn't want to have a boyfriend at all]]. And just to add insult to injury, "Santa Clause" [sic] brought him that year a [[Sonichu|shitty pirate ripoff]] instead of a genuine [[Lego]] set. No boyfriend-free girl under the tree this year either.

<gallery>
Image:077-StarOnTree.jpg
Image:078-StarFront.jpg
Image:079-StarBack.jpg
</gallery>

===[[2007]]===
[[Image:Fakeout-makeout2.jpg|right|thumb|Chris and Kimmi.]]

On 26 December Chris bought himself [[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend|a pretty girlfriend]] called [[Kimmi]], who would become a rival to his longtime [[Sex toys|artificial heartsweet]] [[Officer Nasty]], on [[Adamandeve.com]], probably because "Santa Clause" [sic] didn't bring him one this year, either.

As a complimentary to the sex doll, Chris also bought a "Vintage XXX Cartoons DVD/CD", and got "XXX Pleasure Seekers DVD/CD" and "Playboy Magazine Digital Edition DVD/CD" for free. The fact that Chris specifically sought for something as bizarre as vintage porn cartoons to [[mass debating|fap]] his crooked [[duck]] to, for some reason sits fine with all the other weird aspects of his twisted personality.

However, being unsatisfied with fantasizing about naked women drawn in the 1960s, Chris went to Adamandeve.com again soon after New Year's Day, and purchased some more XXX-rated Holiday Gifts for himself. These include: a "2008 Adam & Eve Calendar", a "[[Card games|Romance Roulette Card Game]]" (which Chris probably plays as [[Virgin with Rage|solitaire]]), and, the strangest one of the bunch, a "Carmen Boob Mousepad", whatever that is. He also got some free items as well, namely a "XXX Pleasure Seekers DVD/CD" and, most notably, the infamous "[[Homo|Anal Love Beads]]", which would become a popular theme for [[trolling]] Chris in the upcoming year.

===[[2008]]===

Chris got "a couple of [[DVD]]s, Bee Movie on Blu-Ray, [[Obesity|assorted chocolates]] and [[Bob Walks In|a calming family moment]]" ([[IRC_(28_December_2008)]]); in Chris's words it was "simple, nothing extravagant". [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] outdid himself with a gift to [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] overshadowing [[Sonichu]] in over-the-top symbolism. "He gave her an arranged box of ornaments, with tags attached to them; each one representing her blessings; three angels, [[Christian Weston Chandler|me]], dad and my half-bro, [[Cole Smithey|Cole]]. Ones for [[Ruckersville]], Red Oak, [[Chandler Cats|our cats]], and one for [[Wikipedia:Snorlax|her]]." (Chris, on [[IRC_(27_December_2008)]]).

===[[2009]]===

Chris took the time to send [[Kill De Jack|warm wishes]] to a [[Jack Thaddeus|dear friend]]. He also received [[obesity|chocolate]] and [[video games]] from [[Mailbag 24|his family]]. For the rest, we'll see soon enough. Merry Christmas, [[Trolls|everyone]]!

==See also:==
*[[Chris and religion]]
*[[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend]]
*[[I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas]]
*[[Holiday Greetings]]
*[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]]
*[[Sonichu 11]]

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Christmas

2010-09-01T17:58:54Z

Flowen:

[[Image:MerryCWCmas.jpg|right|thumb|Merry C-Mas, to all the [[Trolls]] and [[JERKS]] and [[Homos]] and [[Niggos]] and [[Jerkops]] out there!]]
'''Christmas''', or as [[Chris]] sometimes [[CWC-isms|retardedly calls it]], '''C-Mas''', is our hero's favorite holiday of all. He always celebrates it at [[14 Branchland Court|home]] with his family, and often mentions it in his fail-tastic comics and videos.

==Christmas in the Chandler Family==
[[Image:0011-ChristopherBobXmas.jpg|right|thumb|Bob and little Chris remembering Jesus.]]
{{quote|We celebrate like normal; a decorated tree, get-together, remembering [[Jesus]] and all.|ChrisChanSonichu, [[Mailbag 2#Holidays with the Chandlers|Mailbag 2]].}}

Despite Chris's insistence that Christmas is a time for family, [[Cole Smithey]], an atheist, does not take part in the traditional Chandler family celebrations.

{{Incomplete}}

==Santa Claus'''''e''''' [sic]==
[[Image:ChrisSanta.jpg|right|thumb|Chris wishes he were as much a man as Mr. "Clause" is.]]
{{quote|[2008-12-15 07::03:20] EXKeine: Christmas is coming up, so... do you believe in Santa Claus? [2008-12-15 07::03:40] ChrisChanSonichu: yep.|Chris on Santa Clause [sic], [[IRC (15_December_2008)]]}}
{{quote|It’s been over a week since my [[PVCC|SUSPENSION]]; I am [[Stress|DEPRESSED]], [[Love Quest|LONELY]], SAD and BORED! I have [[Attraction Location|nowhere to go]] to attract a [[Boyfriend-free girl|Boyfriend-Free woman]]. I’ll be writing to Santa Clause [sic] this year, hoping that will bring me one. (8(|[[CWC's Diary]] for September 26, 2004, Chris acting like the 22-year-old grown-up man he is.}}
{{quote|Or for—since it's Christmas time, let's make like I'm Mister—yo' Misses Claus. I have a... good ole heat, 'cuz I took... a bit o'... [[Chris and sex|Viagra]]. Bam, ba-bam, bam, ho, ho-OH!|Chris RPing as The Man, [[iPods Down and Listen Up]]}}
{{quote|I did not say that I was taking viagra; I was stating that in that role-play, Santa would be taking that.|Chris, [[Mailbag 20#Viagra roleplay and something about Santa Claus|Mailbag 20]], on Kris Kringle's erectile dysfunction.}}

"Santa Clause" [[Chris and English|[sic]]] (not to be confused with the [[wikipedia:The Santa Clause|movie that takes this spelling]]) is a being associated with Christmas, whom many children believe in, especially in Western countries. However, most of them actually stop believing in Santa at around age 4 (according to surveys), most often when they find out it was actually [[Bob Chandler|their father]] with a [[Rollin' and Trollin'|fake beard]].

Chris, being the immature manchild he is, claims he [[Chris and reality|still believes]] in "Santa Clause" [sic], despite being technically 28 years old. He even put Santa's name on his [[JERKS#The List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate|List Of Males Chris Doesn't Hate]], which may imply that he: a) believes "Santa Clause" [sic] is real, b) believes Santa is a manly male man capable of landing himself a girlfriend (see also the [[Mailbag 20#Viagra roleplay and something about Santa Claus|Mailbag quote]] above). Also worth of note is the fact that Chris chose to put Santa's name on the list before [[God]] and [[Jesus]]... because, come on, these two [[JERKS]] never brought him even the tiniest presents!

Of course, all this doesn't necessarily mean that Chris actually ''does'' believe in Santa. Chris probably maintains this line because he ''wants'' to believe it and maintain memories of the happy Christmases of his childhood. For Chris, who still plays with da [[Lego|Legos]], professing a belief in Santa is "cute" and shows that he is "young at heart", one of his favorite traits. For everyone else, however, a 28 year old man professing a belief in Santa is quite creepy.

Note that, despite the high level of respect Chris has towards the Good Saint Nick, he can't even learn to [[Chris and English|spell his name right]].

In a 2010 [[Jackie_e-mails_Part_2|email exchange]] with a woman, Chris stated that he [[Honor roll|learned]] Santa wasn't real around age 15 or 16, but finally "[[Lie|gave up on him]]" at 24 after he failed to bring him a girlfriend for the third year in a row.

==Presents Chris gives, wishes for, and receives==
[[Image:0086-Christmas95-1.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas '95]]
[[Image:0128-Christmas96-6.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas '96]]
{{quote|My father likes Brach's Maple Nut Goodies, and my mother likes chocolate, so some edible treats of that variety is [[Obesity|a good suggestion]].|[[Mailbag 6#For the man who has everything|Mailbag_6]], on what he planned to give his parents for Christmas, 2009.}}

{{Incomplete}}

==Christmas-related songs and merch==

{{Incomplete}}

Chris also got the name of his [[Lovely Weather|future wife]] from singing a 1950s Christmas song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Which actually [[Autism|says a lot about Chris]].

He also has seems to have an affinity to the song "Deck the Halls", as he raged like an idiot because the word [[homos|gay]] should only be used in context of "happy", as in the song.

==Other confessions==

Being the [[Lie|totally sensitive and tolerant person]] he is, Chris in his [[Sonichu]] Christmas special (the [[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas|text]] and [[Sonichu 11|comic]] versions) mentions the ways [[CWCville]] citizens of different faiths (that is, "Jewish folk", Buddhists, possibly [[Niggos|Black people]], and "a few humbuggers") celebrate their own wacky versions of Christmas.

===Haunaka/Chaunaka/Konica/Chanukkah [sic/sic/sic/sic]===

{{quote|Cera continues with a question, holding a cookie in a zip-loc bag, "I've invited Kevin too; do you think he'll like this candle-shaped cookie I made for him? He told me he was Jewish, and I thought it would be appropriate." Rosechu replies, "I think he'll love it. You have made it really special with the white frosting for the wax and the yellow for the flame. Uh, what kind of cookie was it again?" "Vanilla", replies Cera, "I felt it best to keep it neutral, in case he was allergic to the peanut butter or chocolate." "Very Smart," says Rosechu with a smile, exchanging a high-five with Cera.|[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]], Act 1}}

"[[IRC (22 December 2008)|Haunaka]]"/"[[IRC (22 December 2008)|Chaunaka]]"/"[[Holiday Greetings|Konica]]"/"[[Shout out to Fans in Hospital|Chanukkah]]"/whatever, is a holiday [[CWCville]] "Jewish folk" celebrate while most other citizens celebrate Christmas. On December 12 members of the CWCville Jewish diaspora set up "Menorah candles" (the "Haunaka" [sic] Menorah candelabrum has 7 candles in it, while the traditional Menorah used on Hanukkah, called a "Hanukkiah", has 9) instead of Christmas Trees, with dreidels lying under them. Since the candle-related symbolism is very much present in the RL Hanukkah rituals, it's in good taste to give CWCville Jews anything candle-related as a gift. E.g., when [[Sonichu]]'s daughter [[Cerah Rosey]] baked cookies for her friends, she decided to make her Jewish friend Kevin a candle-shaped one. Because Jews surely love to be distinguished from other people on any occasions based solely on their faith, and would take deep offense in receiving a normal nothing-special-shaped cookie as a gift! That Cerah couldn't choose a more obvious Hanukkah symbol (such as a Menorah or a dreidel) over a ''generic candle'' shows that Cerah has extremely poor knowledge of even the most basic of Jewish traditions known in the Gentile world. That, and she's an ignorant retard like [[Christian Weston Chandler|Grandpa]].

In fact, there actually is a tradition of eating ''fried'' foods on Hanukkah, and vanilla is one of the allowed ingredients used in making them. Not that Chris knows anything about this, mind you - he just wanted to make sure that the cookie was hypoallergenic. Because Jews are Melvins who have many allergies, you see.

In [[IRC (22 December 2008)]] Chris listed "Haunaka" and "Chaunaka" as two different holidays, probably belonging to different religions. In his [[Shout out to Fans in Hospital]], he does nearly the same thing, saying "happy Hanukkah, Chanukkah, all the other holidays to everybody of other religions".

===Jolly Buddah [sic]===

{{quote|Christmas Trees are abound most everywhere: in the homes of the townfolk, [[CWCville Mall|in the stores]], [[CWCville Mayoral Office|in the offices]], and the biggest one in the center of [[McIntire Park|CWC-Central Park]]. Some have Menorah Candles, or even a Jolly Buddah [sic].|[[Sonichu 11|A Sonichu Christmas]] (the comic version)}}
{{quote|All the churches are full with all the believers, be they Christians, Jewish folk, Buddhists, and such.|[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]] (the text version)}}

From what we know, Buddhism is one of the religions Chris tolerates, and so he sometimes mentions it as a display of his "religious sensitivity". However, he probably doesn't know jack shit about Buddhism, and assumes that since Buddhists are all "good-hearted believers", they undoubtedly should celebrate Christmas in some way! So, in [[CWCville]], Buddhists celebrate their Buddhist Christmas by going to their Buddhist churches on starting December 12, and having a "Jolly Buddah" instead of a Christmas Tree.

By coincidence, Christmas is actually a popular holiday in some primarily Buddhist countries (such as [[anime|Japan]]). However, it's rare for celebrators to give the time special religious significance specific to their religion. Similar to how Halloween is celebrated in America based solely on the customs with practically no emphasis on the religious practices that started the holiday, so too do many Buddhists enjoy Christmas just as an excuse to put up lights and give each other gifts.

===Kawanza [sic]===

Little is known about what Chris thinks about [[Wikipedia:Kwanzaa|"Kawanza"]] [sic] and the related rituals, except that he [[IRC (22 December 2008)|once]] congratulated his [[trolls]] with this holiday (among others), misspelling its name in the process.

===Other faiths===

Chris doesn't say (or probably, care), what Muslims, Orthodox Christians, Hindus, Sikhs, Jains, Baha'is or Atheists do in [[CWCville]] on Christmas Day. Probably they're the "few humbuggers" whom Chris derides for not celebrating C-mas/Haunaka/Kawanza/whatever those wacky Buddhists celebrate.

==Notable Christmases in Chris's life==

===[[1989]]/[[1992]]===
[[Image:BearsteinbyChris.jpg|right|thumb|GodBear, directing his Chorus of AngelBears]]

On Christmas Day, 1992 (other sources claim it happened in [[1989]]), Chris got probably the most dumbfounding present in his whole life, and from [[Christopher's name change|GodBear]] himself, no less. While strolling with [[Bob Chandler|his father]] through the Regency Square Mall, Christopher, as he was called at the time, encountered a band of bears playing some Christmas songs. The boy chatted the director bear (called Leonard Bearstein) up, and being half-deaf from the cacophonic (read: shit) music they played, the stupid bear mistakenly named him "[[Christopher's name change|Christian]]".

The little [[Autism|retard]] saw that as an "OMG sign from God!!!" and a few months later [[IT TOOK A TALKING BEAR TO GIVE THE NAME A YOUNG BOY LOVES|got his name legally changed to "Christian"]]. And thus, as some researchers tend to think, has the epic saga of [[Fail]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 30th, 2009|begun]].

===[[2004]]===

{{quote|[[Stress sigh|[Chris sighs] ]] Well, at this time of year, all I can say right now is... that I hope Santa will comply with my request and bring me... [[Sweetheart|a pretty girlfriend]]. And so... happy holidays from... me, [[Christian Weston Chandler|Christian Chandler]] — by the way, you can [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 30th, 2009|call my Chris]] in public—and... thank you.|Emo Chris, [[So Need a Cute Girl]].}}
{{quote|I want a girlfriend for Christmas, to share my love, oh. I want a girlfriend for Christmas, to kiss under the mistletoe.|Chris, the poetic [[geinus]].}}

This Christmas, Chris expected to get: a) a [[Sweetheart|girlfriend]] from "Santa Clause" [sic], b) an [[Chris and remorse|apology]] from [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. Not surprisingly, he didn't get either, and became [[Stress|depressed]].

Earlier in December, he dedicated two different songs to the first of these two wishes: [[I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas]] (written on December 4) and [[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend]] (recorded on Christmas 20). The same day as the latter, Chris also recorded another song, the famous [[So Need a Cute Girl]], which was probably dedicated to the same thing.

If "Santa Clause" [sic] really exists, this proves that he's a major [[JERK]]. Or that he doesn't tie up girls and leave them under trees as gifts for horny manchildren.

===[[2005]]===
[[Image:0790-CMas05-5.jpg|right|thumb|Chris's Christmas 2k5]]
{{quote|Although I really don't mean to be cold but please don't try and advance kissing on me please. The truth is I don't want a boyfriend because I don't desire and idolize boys like other girls. I enjoy being indepentant. So you see what I mean? It's certainly nothing personal towards you. I'm just a girl who doesn't care about loving guys. That doesn't mean I can't be friends with them though.|[[Megan]] on 20 December 2005, trying to [[Lie|be diplomatic]] to Chris.}}

Chris was probably [[Stress|stressed]] as hell, because just a few days before his [[gal-pal]] and attempted [[sweetheart]] [[Megan Schroeder]] told him she doesn't like him [[Rape|trying to kiss her]], and that she [[Homo|doesn't want to have a boyfriend at all]]. And just to add insult to injury, "Santa Clause" [sic] brought him that year a [[Sonichu|shitty pirate ripoff]] instead of a genuine [[Lego]] set. No boyfriend-free girl under the tree this year either.

<gallery>
Image:077-StarOnTree.jpg
Image:078-StarFront.jpg
Image:079-StarBack.jpg
</gallery>

===[[2007]]===
[[Image:Fakeout-makeout2.jpg|right|thumb|Chris and Kimmi.]]

On 26 December Chris bought himself [[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend|a pretty girlfriend]] called [[Kimmi]], who would become a rival to his longtime [[Sex toys|artificial heartsweet]] [[Officer Nasty]], on [[Adamandeve.com]], probably because "Santa Clause" [sic] didn't bring him one this year, either.

As a complimentary to the sex doll, Chris also bought a "Vintage XXX Cartoons DVD/CD", and got "XXX Pleasure Seekers DVD/CD" and "Playboy Magazine Digital Edition DVD/CD" for free. The fact that Chris specifically sought for something as bizarre as vintage porn cartoons to [[mass debating|fap]] his crooked [[duck]] to, for some reason sits fine with all the other weird aspects of his twisted personality.

However, being unsatisfied with fantasizing about naked women drawn in the 1960s, Chris went to Adamandeve.com again soon after New Year's Day, and purchased some more XXX-rated Holiday Gifts for himself. These include: a "2008 Adam & Eve Calendar", a "[[Card games|Romance Roulette Card Game]]" (which Chris probably plays as [[Virgin with Rage|solitaire]]), and, the strangest one of the bunch, a "Carmen Boob Mousepad", whatever that is. He also got some free items as well, namely a "XXX Pleasure Seekers DVD/CD" and, most notably, the infamous "[[Homo|Anal Love Beads]]", which would become a popular theme for [[trolling]] Chris in the upcoming year.

===[[2008]]===

Chris got "a couple of [[DVD]]s, Bee Movie on Blu-Ray, [[Obesity|assorted chocolates]] and [[Bob Walks In|a calming family moment]]" ([[IRC_(28_December_2008)]]); in Chris's words it was "simple, nothing extravagant". [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] outdid himself with a gift to [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] overshadowing [[Sonichu]] in over-the-top symbolism. "He gave her an arranged box of ornaments, with tags attached to them; each one representing her blessings; three angels, [[Christian Weston Chandler|me]], dad and my half-bro, [[Cole Smithey|Cole]]. Ones for [[Ruckersville]], Red Oak, [[Chandler Cats|our cats]], and one for [[Wikipedia:Snorlax|her]]." (Chris, on [[IRC_(27_December_2008)]]).

===[[2009]]===

Chris took the time to send [[Kill De Jack|warm wishes]] to a [[Jack Thaddeus|dear friend]]. He also received [[obesity|chocolate]] and [[video games]] from [[Mailbag 24|his family]]. For the rest, we'll see soon enough. Merry Christmas, [[Trolls|everyone]]!

==See also:==
*[[Chris and religion]]
*[[All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend]]
*[[I Want a Girlfriend for Christmas]]
*[[Holiday Greetings]]
*[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas]]
*[[Sonichu 11]]

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Anna McLerran

2010-02-11T18:52:19Z

Flowen:

[[Image:Anamc.jpg|thumb|right|Never trust a Mormon troll]]

'''Anna McLerran''' (born 30 July [[1985]]<ref>http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=790355640#/profile.php?id=1564560452&ref=ts</ref>) met [[Chris]] through her job at the Pac Sun in the [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]]. Chris has a tendency to pace in front of the storefront of various stores. The events occurring shortly after he decided to stop annoying the employees at Abercrombie & Fitch and start annoying the employees at the Pac Sun were what inspired her short story [[The Tale Of The Crazy Pacer]].

Despite the insight she gave into the [[love quest]], she is widely disliked. According to the [[Blanca]] Emails by Chris, she is a lesbian.<ref>[[Blanca E-mails#Future dates with Blanca]]</ref>

==ED drama==

After Christian discovered the aforementioned story on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], Anna felt a need to defend Chris against the internet at large. In a textbook case of [[White knight|white knighting]], she edited Chris's ED page. Anna added a new section to the article, in an attempt to paint Chris as a [[Chris and Fashion|goofy clown]], rather than a [[Chris Loses It|perverse psychotic]]. {{quote|I wrote that blog back when I didn't know Chris personally. I got to know him soon after that, and we became real friends. He's a really nice guy, with a great sense of [[Random-access humor|humor]]. Yes, to the outsider he is quirky, and some of his actions and the things he says can be funny, but at the same time he cares deeply about his friends, and all the other good stuff nobody looking at this page wants to hear about. I just wanted to put that out there, though, since I obviously can't permanently delete the blog inclusion. I'll just have to wait until this whole website is shut down for good.|Note From Anniebannany<ref>http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Chris-chan&diff=next&oldid=1997694799</ref>}} This passage was so masturbatory, it was assumed that it was written by Christian himself and it was credited as such. However, in [[December 2009]], Anna admitted to writing the article section herself<ref>http://twitter.com/ourladyanna/status/6427862439</ref>. It is unknown why she had actually befriended him; whether or not it was to quietly troll him and laugh at his stories; or if it was genuine. Many people lean towards the former as she appears to have a bit of a sadistic streak. While she is well known to defend her friends to the bitter end, Christian included, she has a prejudice against the mentally handicapped (who doesn't?), implying that [[autistic]] people should be embarrassed for being, well, autistic.

{{quote|C-Chan continues to crack me up with his antics. I know he's straight, but LAWD. If that boy would just heed even a few of my warnings, I flatter myself to think he'd go far.|Anna (clearly delusional)<ref>http://annamclerran.blogspot.com/2009/01/el-dee-ess-bee-see.html</ref>}}

==Current events==

She currently resides in Salt Lake City, Utah, far from Chris, working as a Shipping Manager for the Family First Foundation<ref>http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=790355640#/profile.php?id=1564560452&ref=ts</ref> and going to LDS Business school trying to get some bullshit Executive Assistant degree.<ref>http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=790355640#/profile.php?id=1564560452&ref=ts</ref>

Anna has attempted to break into the art world with a seldom-updated [[DeviantART]] account, though her interest (but not talent) lies in writing. Anna has announced plans to write a book encompassing the life and failure of Chris-chan. As with many of her claims, this is to be taken with a grain of salt.

On the night of 5 [[December 2009]], Anna complained about pampered socialite [[Wikipedia:Nicole Ritchie|Nicole Ritchie's]] having appropriated a classic picture of Christian in his mother's underwear to use against tiresome faux-punk guitarist, Benji Madden. Anna, self-appointed guardian of the Manchild, kicked up a stink, demanding that the picture be taken down, as if it could not be found elsewhere. According to Anna, "he's autistic and does whatever the internet tells him to do :(",<ref>http://twitpic.com/s7pfi</ref> ignoring the substantial amount of depravity that he commits without any outside encouragement. Anna went on to criticizing the CWCki, claiming that "[[Lie|there is very little truth to anything those websites say about him]]. trust me on this one. he is an awesome guy in real life. super nice."<ref>Ibid.</ref> This is all very amusing when you consider her reaction to seeing the picture: "WHAT THE FUCK hahahahahhahahahaaha he's getting so famous!!"<ref>[http://twitter.com/ourladyanna/status/6377147359 Anna's Twitter]</ref>
==Criticism==

Anna is a polarizing figure for trolls. Despite her openness and apparent willingness to help, she is disliked by many [[PVCC (message board)|PVCC]] and [[Sonichu (IRC chat)|#sonichu]] regulars, who accuse her of being an "attention whore" who promises information on Chris but never delivers, or of providing well-known information (notably about his [[Christian's name change|name change]]). Her appearances on the PVCC usually tend to be vapid attention seeking exercises full of retarded [[random-access humor]] rather than any kind of personal insights into Chris.

On the other hand, she is highly regarded by some trolls (who clearly don't have much female interaction) who fawn over her many [[YouTube]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWYguLerBg8 dancing videos] and mistake her forced randomness for personality. Many foolhardy young trolls have attempted to white knight for Anna, only to be reminded that she is a lesbian (or at least uses that as a excuse to stop Chris from stalking her). This certainly hasn't stopped all the [[mass debating]] that surrounds her.

==Anna's b-day/going away party==
Before Anna left for Utah, Chris decided to throw a birthday/going away party for her {{cite}}. Fortunately for trolls, it was documented and Chris is seen outside of his natural habitat, attempting to socialize with his peers.

<center>
<gallery>
Image:0689-ANNABD2.JPG|Everyone's favorite crypto-troll, Anna.
Image:0690-ANNABD3.JPG|A seemingly innocent party...
Image:0691-ANNABD4.JPG|...with cards...
Image:0692-ANNABD5.JPG|...the close company of friends...
Image:0693-AnnaBD7.JPG|...cake...
Image:0697-AnnaBD10.JPG|...(too hard to tell)...
Image:0694-AnnaBD8.JPG|...aaaaaaaaaand here's Chris.
Image:0695-AnnaBD9.JPG|"You gonna get raped."
Image:0696-AnnaBD6.JPG|Yes, she was smiling, but you can see that on the inside she was dying.
</gallery>
</center>

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:AVDYT01-001.jpg
</gallery>

==Sauces==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.annamclerran.blogspot.com/ Her blog]
*[http://dangerless.blogspot.com/ Her other blog]
*[http://thisisaskateblog.blogspot.com/ Another goddamn blog!]
*[http://mclerran.deviantart.com/ Her mediocre DA]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/mickylaren Her YT account]

{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:McLerran, Anna}}
[[Category:Gal pals]]