CWCki - User contributions [en]

Chris and hypocrisy

2013-08-29T10:59:07Z

Hemlock: /* Maturity */

{{quote|You're all just immature, naive, condescending, soulless monsters. You don't care about others, you only care about yourselves. You only care about getting your own laughs and kicks, because you don't h- you don't have your own social life!|[[Chris]]<ref>[[Greene County Conspiracy]]</ref>}}

[[Image:Z100 0533.jpg|thumb|Chris breaking almost thirty years of proud sobriety due to the influence of ''[[The Simpsons]]'']]

'''Hypocrisy''' is the act of claiming to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have.<ref>[[wikt:hypocrisy|Wiktionary: hypocrisy]]</ref>

[[Christian Weston Chandler]] is an accomplished hypocrite, holding others to standards to which he himself does not live up. This is possibly due to the fact that he's incapable of serious introspection and serious self-examination due to his [[autism]]. Chris believes that he is a blameless, [[Chris and religion|holy]] creature that is [[Mary Poppins|practically perfect in every way]]. However, he sees plenty of flaws in the world around him that cause him [[stress]]. He blames all of his problems on external factors like [[trolls]], [[homos]], [[Greene County Conspiracy|conspiracies]] or the [[JERKS|entire male sex]]. In the past he's faulted the [[Jerkop|police]], [[Manajerks|store managers]] and [[Jerkop|mall security guards]] for complications during his [[Love Quest]]. When Chris can't fault other people for his problems, he relies on autism and stress as fallback excuses.

He's strongly opinionated and drunk on his e-fame, so he sees himself as a [[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|role model]] that could change the world. He doesn't necessarily want to change it for the better, but he wants to change it to where everyone conforms to his worldview and showers him with praise so he will never again have to [[Tobacky|feel uncomfortable]], suffer any inconveniences, or be forced to actually put effort into anything. This means arrogantly pointing out the sins of others but never answering to his own, which leads to Chris doling out advice to others that he should be heeding himself.

Chris's [[Mailbag]] answers are particularly rich sources of hypocrisy, where he readily gives advice to people that he himself will never follow.

==Examples==

=== Maturity ===
{{quote|You're pitiful! Dang dirty trolls! So get it together! Move out of your basements!|Chris<ref>Show RESPECT to me, "C"CWC</ref>}}

In the latter half of [[2009]], Chris had become fond of telling his [[trolls]] and detractors to "grow up." This was coming from a 27 year-old who has lived with his parents continually since graduating [[high school]], [[Chris's resume|has only been employed]] for two months of his entire life, lives in a room full of [[toys]], plays [[video games]] all day, refers to things that make him feel uncomfortable with [[CWC-isms|childish euphemisms]], [[Chris and fashion|dresses like a toddler]], and is dependent on his parents (and the [[Monthly tugboat|U.S. government]]) to the point of absurdity.

Chris has not moved on past high school. In his thirties, he still wears his [[high school ring]], uses his old high school colors in [[art]] projects (and when he wants to portray [[Cherokian Clan|Native Americans]]), and keeps his high school yearbooks within easy reach. Chris's characters are examples of this as well. Despite ostensibly being 18–22 years old, the [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]] sometimes don [[:Image:MegagiDecay.jpg|cheerleading outfits]] outside of sexual roleplay and, like him, are rarely gainfully employed. Aged 27, Chris dispensed [[CWC Blog|dating advice]] to high school freshman. A master of subtlety, Chris named one of the villains in his comics "[[Count Graduon]]" in reference to his much hated [[Manchester High School#Graduation|high school graduation]].

There is also a chance that Chris, just as it is the case with the word "[[naïve]]", has been called out on his stupid bullshit numerous times with the command "grow up", and as a result views the phrase as a very harsh insult meant to be used on your enemies.

In short, Chris idealizes his youth while demonizing the present, as high school was a simpler time when he had a [[Gal-pals|social circle]], [[Biological clock|regular sleep patterns]], and some purpose in life apart from playing video games and debasing himself on the Internet.

=== Work ===
{{quote|I say move on; GET A JOB, DUDE.|Chris<ref>[[Mailbag 7]]</ref>}}
[[Image:TwofacedCWC.jpg|thumb|"No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation."<ref>[[Father Call]]</ref>]]

Chris also likes to tell people to get jobs while he himself has been employed for about two months of his entire life. On his résumé, Chris lists playing [[Pokémon]] cards with small children as volunteer work. Chris [[Father Call|sometimes claims]] he was supervising or babysitting the children involved, where in reality Chris himself required some amount of supervision not to fuck up the [[The Game Place|hobby store]] where he played [[card games]].

Much like how acclaimed author [[Wikipedia:J. K. Rowling|J. K. Rowling]] went on benefits for a year or two so she'd have the time to write the first ''[[Harry Potter]]'' book (a franchise which went on to make her one of the richest women in the world), Chris avoids searching for employment to focus on merchandising [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] (a franchise which, as you know, will never make him [[Chris and Copyright|a penny]]). And that takes an hour or two at most: Chris will draw and color a comic page or two, make videos, or astonish [[Charlottesville]] residents with his [[Sonichu's Edge|Parkay]] skills in a bizarre marketing stunt. The rest of Chris's time is apparently spent playing [[List of Chris's games|video games]], [[Adult Swim|watching TV]] and [[List of Chris's PSN game downloads|downloading]] extra content for his video games. Chris has an abundance of free time where he could easily work a full-time job and still find the time to draw ''Sonichu''. That is, if Chris were employable.

In addition to this, Chris fails at having some basic skills one would need to keep employment, such as: keeping his [[Death threats|murderous rage]] in check, maintaining [[Chris and health#Hygiene|basic hygiene]], [[Chris and fashion|dressing appropriately]], showing tolerance and respect for [[Chris and Race|other people]], and [[Megan|keeping his hands off women]].

===Other people with mental disabilities ===
{{quote|yeeeeeah... generally, I do not feel comfortable associating with other autistic people, especially the non-high-funcional; it would be like looking through a window to hell to me.|Chris <ref>[[IRC (17 December 2008)]]</ref>}}

While happily claiming disability when it suits him (i.e. when he gets [[money]] and/or sympathy from it), Chris gladly reminds everyone that he's a (high-functioning) [[autistic]]. However, Chris distances himself from others with autism, calling them "[[slow-in-the-minds]]" and "windows to hell."<ref>[[IRC (17 December 2008)]]</ref> Chris specifically excluded "the low functionally mentally handicapped," "the [[Chris and health|seriously physically deformed]]," and the "Autistic, high-functionally or otherwise" from an actual list of criteria women would have to meet before he would consider dating them. By his own admission, Chris is "sometimes retarded"<ref>[[Mumble 9.5]]</ref> and is abnormally proud that he is on the autism spectrum. In fact, right below his rigorous standards for his future girlfriend, he admits that he himself is autistic but claims "[[ego|that's another story]]."

Chris denies that any of his Sonichu characters are autistic. Yet they're all copyright-infringing little Mary Sues, need to be in the [[Dating Education|special classes]] Chris thought up and every so often display debilitating social anxiety around the opposite sex. Back when Chris made his own Pokémon cards, he thought up an "autistic Pokémon" named Plautistic (who could disable its own attacks), but this only appears on the cover of ''[[Christian's Favorite Hits!]]'' and nowhere else.

In the [[Mailbag]]s, Chris dismisses any similarity between autism and [[Asperger's syndrome]], another disorder on the autism spectrum. Chris went so far as to create a specific section for autism-related emails, and then a [[Aspergers (CWCipedia article)|frothing rant on CWCipedia]] where he rails against those with Asperger's syndrome. The abridged version of Chris's reasoning is that by having a higher-functioning form of autism than Chris, they're diminishing Chris's own accomplishments. Chris considers [[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|everything he's done so far]] special because he has autism. To date, the only things Chris has actually accomplished are graduating from high school and a [[PVCC|third-rate community college]], which most people could do with little effort.

Despite likening the mentally handicapped to reanimated walking corpses, Chris bases a large part of his identity around having autism, whether he's triumphing over it by being able to [[Chores|mow a lawn]] or he's using it as an excuse to sit around and play ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' all day. Incidentally, this behavior is actually somewhat common with teenage girls with bipolar disorder (real, self-diagnosed or imagined), where they'll brag about how terribly bad their bipolar disorder is, how much lithium they're on, and so forth. Most grow out of it by the time they're eighteen.

=== Tolerance ===
{{quote|...obviously you have not opened your mind to all things in life, and your religion is a closed-minded one.|Chris, shortly after condemning homosexuality<ref>[[Mailbag 7]]</ref>}}

It's very much in Chris's interests that others tolerate him and his odd behavior. Chris's life is defined by mannerisms that can charitably be described as unorthodox. His autism certainly shapes some of his lesser quirks, but he's also picked up some very strange ideas. He thinks it's normal for adults to [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shit their pants]], and he found nothing strange about jerking off into a [[fapcup|cup]] and [[recycling|chugging it down]]. He once uploaded a [[YouTube]] video where he [[The Return of Kimmi|made out with a sex doll]] with a picture of his sweetheart taped to its face because he thought it was an endearing act that his sweetheart would want to see. He had a store clerk [[Sports bra photo series|fit him for a bra]] that he wears happily. He uses his [[Sonichu (comic)|children's comic]] to express and explore his [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack|sexual fantasies and desires]], and to mete out [[Sub-Episodes|harsh]], sometimes [[Sonichu 10#Forgiveness...?|lethal punishment]] on his perceived antagonists. And he's [[Captain's_Log%2C_Stardate_April_28th%2C_2009#Watch|made statements]] to indicate he's [[Chris and Remorse|not ashamed]] of these actions, regardless of what anyone says.

So in order to continue to do whatever he wants to do and not be made fun of, he explains these things away by essentially saying, "everyone does it and you should still consider me normal," even though he'd probably be hard-pressed to name another guy his age that shits himself as much as he does. Deep down, he probably knows some of these things are fucked up, but finds living up to the standards of society to be a huge inconvenience. So he expects others to change their perceptions so that they can accept him and all of the things he doesn't want to change. In instances where someone might think he's a weirdo, Chris preaches tolerance and insists others open their minds to different ideas and not be so judgmental.

However, this doesn't work both ways with Chris. Chris wants people to open their minds to his foibles, but once he's made up his mind that a group of people are doing things that he considers negative, suddenly tolerance goes out the window and he will refuse to show them even the slightest amount of respect and acceptance.

An example of Chris not accepting others came about during the aforementioned war in his mind being waged against Asperger's syndrome. [[Mailbag 7|When a fan mail submission]] pointed out how stubborn it was to close his mind to documented facts about Asperger's syndrome, Chris refused any concessions, though in the very next letter he berated someone for following what he called a closed-minded religion and said he'd pray for her to open her [[china|mind]].

In another example, Chris is sickened by the idea of [[homos]]exuality and [[Captain's_Log%2C_Stardate_February_5th%2C_2009#Take_2|can't even bring himself to say the word "gay,"]] though he will say the word "homo" if he's using it as an insult. He's gone on record as saying he [[CWC Update 30 January 2009|hates gay people]], [[Megan_E-mails#Chris_is_angry_about_Megan_kissing_her_friend.2C_then_pities_himself|is afraid of them]], and would outlaw them if he had the power to do so. Chris has [[Mailbag_1#The_cure_for_homosexuality|envisioned a future where scientists have created a cure for being gay]], and has incorporated this idea into [[Sonichu 10|issue ten]] of his kiddie comic strip. This immense hatred burns deep within him despite the fact that only one supposedly gay person (his [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school]] principal)<ref name="Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8">[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8]]</ref> had done anything negative to him in his entire life, until [[Jack Thaddeus]] began to interact with Chris. Though in contrast (as far as Chris is aware) Jack was also the person providing Chris with free hosting for the [[CWCipedia]], which at least makes up for some degree of harassment he has given Chris. It was only later that he'd been led to believe that [[Clyde Cash]] was gay as well. He'd stated to [[Megan]] that he had these feelings about gays even before he met her gay friend Christopher (whom he illogically suspected of trying to sleep with Megan). He simply hates them because they exist, and has refused to tolerate them all his life. Despite his past fervor, he has recently stated that he "(does) and will NOT Discriminated homosexuals as Individual People" and that "What they do behind closed doors is None Of My Business, and I still Do Not Care to know a Damn Thing about it."<ref>[[Common Questions#1 January 2010]]</ref> Which is why he employs an [[Magi-Chan|omniscient being]] to [[Mailbag 31#Magi-Chan knows when you fuck|spy on people and punish them]] for what they do behind closed doors. Which brings us to...

=== Homosexuality ===
{{quote|While effeminancy is true for us, I feel the contents of that page (the Wikipedia page on "effeminacy") is against us, due to it addressing the homos.|Chris<ref>[[Tomboys_and_Tomgirls_of_Virginia#Re:_Coming_out_to_my_parents]]</ref>}}

Chris is resolute in his beliefs that [[homos]] are an abomination before GodJesus. But he does make exceptions if the gay person has a [[china]]. During an [[IRC (02 January 2009)|IRC Chat]] he granted lesbians complete amnesty, saying that if he were in charge, it would be "illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe." When pressed on why it's okay for women to be gay and not men, he fell back on his "all men are [[JERKS]]" defense by saying, "it's bad enough they're mostly jerks, plus homo men are AGAINST God's will." However, later that month in a [[Mumble_1#Gays.2C_lesbians_and_men_in_general|Mumble chat]], he softened his stance on whether or not it's okay for women to be gay by saying he would "100% discourage" gay men, but for gay women, he will "partial courage." While Chris often quotes the Bible when explaining his hatred of homosexuals, when pressed about his own abominations he will go into a confusing rant about how God only wants people to be happy and not worry about a myriad of rules. In a stunning display of hypocrisy, Chris is quite adamant to others that he is not wrong in ignoring any Old Testament verses against pornography or masturbation, as the Old Testament is "more for Jewish people," but the one Old Testament passage regarding homosexuality that he heard on ''[[Family Guy]]'' is still valid.

In the world of ''Sonichu'', the villainous [[Reldnahc]] is gay, but the [[Heather Iglesias|nanny for Sonichu and Rosechu's kids]] is also gay. She's on the side of good because she's a lesbian, though she's been instructed to keep her [[Silvana|trap]] shut about it. [[Mailbag 4#In which Chris is rude to a young girl|A fan letter]] confronted Chris with the hypocrisy of having lesbians in the comic despite his viewpoints and fine Christian morals. While Chris answered parts of the letter, he conveniently ignored that point. Likely, Chris makes this exception because it would be difficult for him to [[mass debating|fap]] to all the [[List of Chris's Adam & Eve purchases|lesbian porn]] he watches and not feel conflicted.

He also will make exceptions if gays do voices in his [[LittleBigPlanet|favorite video games]]. A member of his [[Monty Python|favorite comedy troupe]] was gay, though it's not clear if Chris knows that. But it does seem clear that whether it's porn, TV or video games, as long as Chris is entertained by a gay person, Chris somehow exempts them from the abomination rule.

His hatred towards gays and everything they stand for contrasts very sharply to some of his actions. Chris has no qualms with drinking his own [[semen]], and has said he would even go as far as [[Kacey Phone Call|licking his semen off his beloved]]. He's admitted to being plagued by [[Mailbag 4|homoerotic thoughts]]. He loves [[rainbow]]s and has frequently put them in his comics. Chris liked the PS2 game ''[[Wikipedia:Katamari Damacy|Katamari Damacy]]'' enough to quote it in some of his videos, a game that features a character wearing a flamboyant ensemble that shows off his huge [[Pickle|schlong]] clearly visible through his tights. He once referred to himself as coming [[IRC (20 January 2009)|"out of his autistic closet."]] He loves gay anthems, such as "[[Chris's Big Night Out|I Love the Nightlife]]," and listens to music straight men generally avoid, such as the [[Wikipedia:Backstreet Boys|Backstreet Boys]]. He loves romantic comedy films and even owns a copy of the ''Sex and the City'' movie. Chris also practices [[Tomgirl Pictures|crossdressing]] and shoves [[Sex toys|things]] up his ass.<ref>[[Bluespike PSN Chat 3]]</ref> That should say enough about this matter.

In short, many gay men don't act as gay as Chris does sometimes, but he still feels justified at leveling his disapproving scorn at them.

=== Chris's creations ===
{{quote|Jack Thaddeus... is wrongfully advertising his FAN FICTION, and I emphasize fan fiction, and parodic [[Asperchu]]|Chris, the TRUE AND HONEST creator of [[Sonichu]] complaining about fan fiction.<ref>[[Down with Asperchu]]</ref>}}

Chris is extremely protective of [[Sonichu]] and the whole [[Sonichu (comic)|media franchise]] he has created.

If Chris had actually shown any originality, this wouldn't really be a problem: he'd have full rights to do whatever he wants with his own original creations. As [[Chris and copyright|discussed elsewhere]], however, Chris has neither the rights to Sonichu nor an original work.

Fundamentally, Chris's creations are a bizarre maelstrom of various fan fiction elements with various bits stolen from a [[Things Chris has Ripped Off|great number of sources]]. Chris has outright admitted that he steals material from various shows.<ref>[[Common Questions#Answered 28 December 2009|Common Questions]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 35#In which Chris tells us that we need to go look up what he stole from]]</ref> At the same time, he claims that Sonichu is an original creation and has no problems dictating how people are allowed to use it.<ref>[[Down With Asperchu]]</ref> In short, he demonizes other works as "fan fiction" while failing to appreciate that ''Sonichu is fundamentally fan fiction, too'' — he is unable to see that the "fan" creations were created through the ''exact same process'' he himself used. Chris has sheltered himself from this realization by calling Sonichu a [[parody]], but shows no appreciation of other creations which he has labeled as parodies of his own work.

Since ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' allows reusing certain content, Chris also took a number of competently made designs in ''LittleBigPlanet'' and used them in his own levels — [[Download For Play Only|only to tell people not to do the same with his levels]] when the policy was changed and all levels were made downloadable and editable offline.

=== Privacy ===
{{quote|Daniel Mimms knows a LOT about me. I have divulged a number of juicy stories with him during our card games. Do not believe his denial of any knowledge or association with me.|Chris, encouraging people to troll his former friend. <ref>[[Facebook#Mimms]]</ref>}}

In the Mailbags, Chris describes [[CWCville]] as a place where homosexuality is forbidden by law. This is enforced by [[Magi-chan]], who uses his psychic abilities to monitor all citizens at all times. Offenders are then ''fined US$500''.

Several days later, Chris used the ''Sonichu'' comic to rail against celebrity news website [[Wikipedia:TMZ.com|TMZ.com]] for invading the privacy of his Electric Hedgehogs, who are apparently as interesting and noteworthy as actual celebrities. TMZ was depicted as a floating, all-seeing movie camera that spied on Rosechu putting in a tampon, Sonichu and Rosechu reenacting a bondage scene from ''[[Family Guy]]'', and [[Robbie Sonee]] describing unusual interactions with a lizard.<ref>[[:File:SchuComic10P36.jpg]]</ref>

Chris also stated during correspondence with his Wiki SysOp that he would go as far to [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#The_Introduction_Image_Space_is_NOT_Ad_Space_(CCS)|distribute a video]] of himself having sex with a woman, recorded using hidden cameras, to prove his heterosexuality. When later pressed on this being a blatant invasion of privacy, Chris covered himself by stating that he would [[Mailbag 31#In_which_Chris_crosses_yet_another_line|blur the participating woman's face]], and upon further questioning changed his proposal to [[Mailbag 34#Chris_would_find_someone_okay_with_being_filmed_to_take_his_"virgin cherry branch"|involve a woman]] actually willing to participate.

Although Chris originally lost his shit when [[Lucas]] and [[Mimms]] released a candid photograph of him at [[The GAMe PLACe]] to the Internet, he had no qualms about walking into the same store (a privately owned establishment that he had been permanently banned from) and [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|surreptitiously recording an audio conversation]] without the [[Michael Snyder|other party's]] consent. Chris later spread the audio in an attempt to gain sympathy, missing the irony completely. He later [[6 June 2010|tried to take a photograph of that same person]], but was stopped when he noticed Chris outside with a camera. A little over a year later, he would [[28 October 2011|return to this very store]] and take more pictures of the man without his consent, with the incident finally ending in his arrest for hit and run. Even to the time of this writing, Chris has not learned at all; he posted on his [[Facebook]] a rapidly taken photo of an angry woman for giving him a "difficult time."

=== Slander ===
[[Image:BurnedMySeat.jpg|thumb|left|Chris, March 2008: [[You know what, I HATE ME TOO!!!|"I set my ASS ON FIRE!"]] Chris, January 2010: [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|"He sets me on fire!"]]]]
{{quote|He sets me on fire!|Chris<ref>Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke</ref>}}
It is evident to the readers of ''Sonichu'' that Chris uses the comic to settle his conflicts in real life. Every time he felt wronged by someone, he incorporated them into the comic and had his main hero (an idealized vision of himself) beat them up.

The main victim of this treatment was [[Mary Lee Walsh]], the Dean of Student Affairs at the [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]]. Because she "Dared" interrupt Chris in his [[Love Quest]] on the grounds of the college, Chris launched himself into a ridiculous one-sided feud against her and included her as the main villain in his comic. He gave the same treatment to many people who had [[Stress|frustrated]] him. The list includes a [[Bagget|police officer]] called in to evict him from a [[Target]] store, various store [[Jerkop|security]] [[Jerkhief|guards]] and [[Manajerks|managers]], romantic [[Wes Iseli|rivals]], old [[CADD Chef|teachers]] and even [[Joseph Herring|fellow students]] only because they were popular with the girls.

This wouldn't be a problem if it was contained in the comic itself or was used for comedic effect. Anyone free to make an educated guess would say that Chris uses artistic license to overcompensate for his weaknesses in real life. This, however, disregards many [[Death threats]] he issued to individuals on the net. [[Jack Thaddeus]] and [[Clyde Cash]], two well-known antagonists of Chris, were berated (without success) to [[To Clyde and Jack|commit suicide]]. In [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], they throw themselves down a 72-story elevator shaft. [[Jason Kendrick Howell]], the creator of the [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] page regarding Chris's antics, not only received [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|cryptic messages]] from Chris, but saw his own character [[Sonichu 8#The Clarksville Address|left for dead in a pool of his own blood]] after being battered by [[Rosechu]]'s [[Pickle|genitalia]]. After a [[Liquid Chris#Showdown|long feud]] with [[Liquid Chris]], he issued [[NO D*** WAY, IMPOSTOR!!!|death threats]] and tried to steal his [[Kacey|girlfriend]]. When this failed, he made a [[Sonichu Special 4|comic]] of him shooting Liquid in the shins after disarming him. When Kacey asked him why this was depicted in the comic, he answered that it wasn't that bad [[Kacey and Liquid Call|since he barely shot him in the legs]].

Chris strongly disapproves of this method of expression when he's on the receiving end of it. When [[Down with Asperchu|he attacked]] Alec Benson Leary for the creation of [[Asperchu]], Alec had no scruples about putting him in front of the [http://asperchu.thecomicseries.com/comics/pl/23109 business end of a flamethrower]. Chris retaliated with a [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|long video]] where he called the attack made on him "horrendous" and vowed that the [[Patti Chandler|spirit of his dead dog]] would avenge him. He would later cap off Sonichu 10 with a graphic depiction of Alec's execution, but not before mentioning the fiery incident one more time.

While Chris rallies against people making accusations of him on the internet (even those of which are true) Chris has no problem accusing others of the most horrible things imaginable. In the [[Calling Out#Calling Out "Alec Benson Leary" - Christopher|Calling Out]] series, Chris blatantly accuses [[Michael Snyder]] of ''molesting his daughter''. This is in direct contrast with Chris's [[Sonichu 10|comic]] where he illustrates clearly how he's ready to travel in the future and hoodwink his "to-be" [[Lovely Weather|wife]] into having sex with him. If we add a song [[IPods Down and Listen Up|he wrote and performed]] describing him in the act of [[Chris_and_sex#Rape|sexually assaulting]] a [[Niggos|black woman]], it hardly makes Chris a paragon of puritanical virtues.

===Women===
{{quote|Well-Informed to Expert in sex|Chris's standard for a woman he would date.<ref>Facebook#What_I_am_looking_for_in_a_woman</ref>}}
Chris's hypocrisy is also evident within the astronomically-high standards for a "[[sweetheart]]" that he's published at various times in his life, such as on the [[attraction sign]]. Some of the biggest offenders are:

"Must Have a Mid to high salary." Chris does not have a job, has no prospects for a job, and lives on [[monthly tugboat|welfare checks]], yet any woman he dates must be gainfully employed, presumably so Chris can [[Chris and Money|spend]] her money on [[List of Chris's games|video games]] and [[sex toys]].

"Must be average to slender body size." Chris is an [[obesity|obese]], lazy slob, yet demands that any potential sweetheart that he deigns to give his attention to be thin and cute.

"Must not have [[autism]]." Despite the fact that Chris has made being autistic a huge point of pride, he absolutely refuses to consider any girl with the same condition on the grounds that he fears that seeing them will make him think about what he might be like if he had anything other than high-functioning autism.

==="I would have them ESS-acuted!" — Capital Punishment===

Chris has made it known in his mailbag that he is [[Common Questions#30 January 2010|opposed to the death penalty]]. However, in [[9 February 2010|02092010.MOV]], after the CWCipedia was taken offline, he ranted that he wanted to see Alec, Evan, and Mao [[Death threats|executed]]. The implication of this is that serial murderers deserve clemency but people who try to stop Chrissy from [[simonla|stealing intellectual property]] deserve capital punishment.

Chris later carried out these executions within the pages of [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], hypocritically, '''as he listed off all the ways in which he had wronged them.'''

Capital punishment became the subject of two videos over the next year. The first video was [[05142010]], in which Chris showed us that he thinks twenty years of menial labor is a suitable punishment for murdering a woman in real life. This is, of course, two and a half months after he revealed that he thought genital mutilation via a large drill was an appropriate response to forcing him to stop using a comic character that he had stolen in the first place. The second video was [[DivineTrial]], in which Chris acted out a pretend trial for [[Clyde Cash]], using a [[Shadow the Hedgehog]] doll to stand in for Clyde. The trial was eerily similar to the trial of the Asperpedia Four in the comic, and ends with Clyde's execution via gunshot for the crime of cyberbullying, although this time Chris also includes that his [[PandaHalo|wife]] and child would be [[women's rights|given to]] another man, as appointed by the government.

===Mature content===
{{Quote|I would never do blood and gore. That's just gross|Chris, on [[22 January 2010]].}}

[[File:Evan'sDeath.JPG|thumb|Pictured: Blood and gore.]]

Chris has severe problems understanding media with mature themes, or, to be specific, media with [[Chris and death|death]]. It appears that Chris rails heavily against video games that are rated Mature or higher, and realistic depictions of death in fiction "sadden" him.<ref name="Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8"/> Furthermore, Chris has said a number of times in videos and mailbags that his comics will never feature excessive violence and gore. For a long time, Chris took great pains to avoid showing outright death in his comics. [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] was claimed to be kept alive by "dark forces", and [[Liquid Chris]] was [[Sonichu Special 4|shot in the legs]], as a sort of attempt at a nonlethal shooting. The deaths of [[PandaHalo]] and [[Ivy]], while horrific, were both not actually shown, so it was almost as though Chris was keeping his word.

Blatant outright hypocrisy on this matter finally surfaced in the last few pages of [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]]. He broke this promise in a spectacularly graphic manner, with the (court sanctioned) deaths of the [[Asperpedia]] staff. Alec and Sean were killed by the electric chair and firing squad, respectively. The deaths of Evan and Mao were particularly severe offenders. Evan was shackled to a wall and mutilated with drills for an indeterminate amount of time before being apparently blasted to death by Wild and Sandy. This included cutting off both of his legs, one of his arms, a series of deep cuts to his torso, and ''genital mutilation via a giant drill''. Mao had his arms and legs telekinetically forced to bend in the wrong direction, causing the snapped bones to rip though his skin. As he lay on the ground, Chris telekinetically burst his heart.

Chris also has difficulties understanding other mature themes, such as sex and profanity. Chris claims that [[Mailbag_20#Chris_considers_his_audience|his comic is equivalent to a TV-Y7 program]], which according to broadcast standards would mean no sexual content or innuendo whatsoever, even if censored. However, ''Sonichu'' is loaded with sex, pornography, and innuendo, but Chris says it's okay because [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|he puts stickers over genitalia]]. When asked about all of the sex and violence via mailbag, Chris blamed the FCC.<ref>[[Mailbag_51#The_recent_explosion_of_pornography_in_TV-Y7_cartoons_is_not_Chris.27s_fault|Mailbag 51]]</ref> Chris has stated that [[Mailbag_47#Mellow_out.2C_it.27s_just_furry_porn|showing kids pornography]] is just a way to educate them on things they're going to eventually see. When it comes to profanity, another thing people learn as they become adults, Chris censors swear words (including vaguely offensive words that most kids are allowed to say, such as "damn" and "crap") and scolds others for using them. ''Sonichu'' #10 reveals that profanity may be a capital crime.

=== Leaving the Internet forever ===
{{quote|I REALLY DO NOT LIKE HOOKING UP ONLINE; IN-PERSON OR BUST FOR ME.|Chris<ref>Vivian Gee E-mails, 2010</ref>}}
On the afternoon of 21 March 2010, Chris announced he was [[03212010 C-Ya Later.MOV|leaving the Internet]] for good with a [[Chris and ego|pompous and bombastic]] speech about how the Internet was trivial and unimportant and everyone should go outside and socialize, and stated that the social networking capabilities of the Internet were a [[Pokémon|stupid fad]] which was long since over. Chris acknowledged that putting his [[Dox|personal information]] on the Internet was a bad idea ([[Little_Big_Planet#The_Guardian_of_the_Owl_Kingdom|one]] of [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|many]]), and promised he would no longer upload Sonichu comics or interact with trolls, online or by phone. He resolved to get the Sonichu comics published and interact with real people in his [[Charlottesville|community]].

On the evening of 22 March — about a day and a half later — he uploaded a short video where he claimed that he was still depressed, and then went on to state his disapproval with a new voice actor on [[Family Guy]] spin-off ''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' and demanded that the old voice actor resume the role. Chris might be excused for breaking his promise to make a video announcing a major life change, like a [[Bob Chandler|death in the family]], [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|returning to school]], [[Wendy's|finding gainful employment]], or even giving an [[Chris and remorse|actual apology]] to a [[Megan Schroeder|former friend]] he offended with [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|his behavior]]. Instead, Chris chose to make a video simply for the sake of making a video complaining about something inconsequential that didn't affect his life in any way.

As well, Chris keeps posting more and more videos afterward. When he does, he makes the same claim - that he is "distancing himself from the Internet". However, distancing himself from the Internet is certainly not the same as leaving the Internet. He's still on there, even when he's playing on the PSN.

Even though Chris, since [[Bob]]'s death, has not uploaded any videos, he still uses the internet, most visibly posting to [[Facebook]].

===Romantic rivalry===
{{quote|...you know my address, right? You got MapQuest to come all the way over? |Chris, trying to entice a woman to cheat on her boyfriend.<ref>Kacey Call 1</ref>}}
One thing consistent in his [[Love Quest|efforts to get laid]] is his lamenting of women who are already in stable relationships. He, by default, hates all other [[JERKS|men]] simply because women have the option of being with any one of them over him. When he believes he's found a [[sweetheart]], he's [[Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007#Chris wants to know why she sat on Christopher's lap|insecure]] and [[Media:291-ACWesBck.jpg|jealous]] that [[Man in the Pickle Suit|someone]] will try to take her away.

And yet at the same time, he has no problem in attempting to sabotage [[Kacey|other people's relationships]] and [[Lars' Ship has Sunk.MOV|taunting]] [[New Address|former boyfriends.]]

===Flamboyancy===
[[Image:TG20.jpg|thumb|Hear that, homos? Chris is offended by your flamboyance!]]
{{quote| I really feel offended when they get soo flamboyant with their ways and such, it's like they're shoving it in your face.|Chris, complaining about homosexuals on a [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia|forum for cross dressers]].<ref>Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia</ref>}}
When Chris's activities on the [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] forum were revealed, it was no surprise that he had gone on one of his usual tirades against homosexuals. Consider for one minute that, on that same forum, Chris had openly admitted that he has [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Girly Things Tee Hee|recently been using the women's washroom]], and even on one occasion had someone complain about him and was likewise shouted at. So not only is Chris cavorting about in women's clothing in public on a regular basis, he has now taken to using the improper washroom, much to the chagrin of those around him. Call Chris's new found behavior what you will: closet homosexuality, a desperate plea for attention, symbolically castrating himself to subconsciously evoke his frivolity, or getting in touch with his 'feminine side' (as he calls it). Whatever it is, he sure as hell is shoving it in people's faces.

What is surprising, though, is how quickly two-faced Chris can get. When trying to [[Calling Out|expose]] [[Jack Thaddeus]], he revealed that not only was he transsexual, but also having gone through a sex change and was using it to go after guys. While Chris was supportive of being a "fellow Tomgirl", he wasn't supportive of the fact that he was going after guys. Consider the fact that, at one time, Chris stated that he would rather have a sex change than be gay. Thus, to Chris, having a sex change is still fine and dandy only if you're going after [[china]].

==="If you are not careful, you really are going to go to jail." - Law===

Chris often attempts to get trolls in trouble with the law, claiming they should be given prison sentences for (sometimes completely legal) acts that [[Chris_and_the_Law#Law_troubles|he himself has also committed.]]

After watching Youtube videos posted by [[Liquid Chris]], Chris threw a [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|childish fit]] in which he threatened to call authorities because Liquid was impersonating him. He, however, had no qualms claiming to be Liquid to try to trick [[Kacey]] into [[China|coming over to visit him.]]

When he found out that [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] had dated [[Kathleen Nicole Wallace]], Chris accused Howell of statutory rape, as at the time Howell was 20 and Kathleen was 17, either ignoring or oblivious to the fact that several state technicalities might make their relationship entirely legal. Chris later depicts himself winning the affection of 17-year-old [[Meg Griffin]] in [[Sonichu 10]], which he makes no effort to reject.

Chris and his parents have threatened numerous trolls with harassment charges, completely disregarding the fact that [[Love Quest|harassment is what Chris does best.]] Not to mention that, whatever the trolls have done, Chris's [[Death threats|public reactions]] are far more disturbing, violent, and can legally be interpreted as threats to their subjects' safety. Because of his flagrant disregard for [[Mary_Lee_Walsh#Possible_reconciliation|trespassing notices]] and the definition of what the word [[The_GAMe_PLACe#Unbanning_Attempts|"banned"]] means, [[28 October 2011|he will soon appear in front of a judge.]]

Most recently, in the third of the [[Calling Out]] videos, Chris has the gall to vaguely tell Surfshack Tito and Thorg that "the police will catch up with [them]" right after expressing the purpose of the series: To blackmail the two of them into sending him cash. In the next video, Chris admitted that these demands are extortion and retracts them, but in the video immediately afterwards, seemed to once again expect the money.

==="We do not like to stand under one leader." - Authoritarianism===

In the [[Re-Calling Ahuvia]] video, Chris continues to drop info on fellow lolcow and autistic manchild [http://www.adfki.com/index.php?title=ADF Ahuviya Harel], the man/woman believed to be Jack Thaddeus, mocking him/her for his/her communist views. While Ahuviya is infamous for his/her admiration of the Soviet Union and for understanding very little of the principles of his/her ideology other than as a framing device for his/her violent fantasies, Chris likewise, as a man(child) who [[Chris and Religion|does not understand many of the finer points of his own religion other than the bits condemning homosexuality]] [[A Public Announcement for Congress|and believes that the Federal Government just magically pulls welfare money out of its ass]] probably has no idea of what Communism is, other than that it was the ideology of [[China|some people who did some not very nice things in its name]] and that some countries that followed it were on the United States' shitlist at one time or another. This was further evidenced by Chris breaking out the [[Donald Duck impersonation]] and singing "[[Wikipedia:Der Fuehrer's Face|Der Fuehrer's Face]]", despite the fact that Adolf Hitler was not a communist and in fact [[Wikipedia:First they came...|Communists, Trade Unionists, and other leftists were some of the first victims of the Holocaust]].

Perhaps the most ironic part of Chris's sudden condemnation of authoritarianism is, of course, [[CWCville]]. While CWCville was at first mostly just Chris's imaginary hugbox, with places like the [[CWCville Shopping Center]] (held in high regard by Chris, as his mayoral office is located there) showcasing Chris's [[naive]], mindless materialistic and consumerist tendencies. However, as Chris's conflicts with the [[trolls]] escalated, some unpleasant things began to occur. Suddenly, with numerous state-funded Soup Hotels for the homeless began to crop up after the city-state's economy apparently collapsed and left thousands upon thousands jobless on the streets. Later on, in particular during the events of [[Sonichu 10]], Chris began to show signs of being a ruthless dictator, with CWCville as a dystopian nightmare, such as the trial of the [[Asperchu|Asperpedia 4]], who were given no defense, had little evidence of [[Simonla Rosechu|their crimes]] presented, and yet were found guilty and subject to horrific torture and execution at the hands of Chris and his cronies.

While one could argue that CWCville is simply a harmless, childish fantasy that has been corrupted by Chris's reactions to the trolls, Chris [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#THAT DOES NOT MATTER (CCS)|actually believes that it is real]], and, given [[Death Threats|some of his reactions to the trolls]], one would do well not to think [[A Girl Who Brought Down the World|what would happen if he actually had that level of power in real life]].

==="Look at his 'slender' figure" - Obesity===

Chris seems to be completely unaware of his own weight, possibly a result of the self-image he formed over the course of high school. His [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|portrayal of himself in the comics]] is often incredibly flattering in terms of appearance. It once got to the point that the irony of [[Sammy|him writing a "fat" version of himself into the comics]] was completely lost on him. He regularly describes himself as "average" at worst.

And yet, he regularly derides others for their weight, most notably in the [[Calling Out]] series, where, he repeatedly called [[Calling Out "Alec Benson Leary" - Christopher|Alec]] and [[Calling Out "Tito" - Don|Surfshack Tito]] "fat." He even had the balls to say [[Christopher Paul Whitney reveal|"[Christopher Paul Whitney]'s fat! Iiiiii'm thin!"]] during the outing of Alec Benson Leary. It's possible he might even have contempt for fat people--during his [[List of Christian's edits to the CWCki#Christianchandler|November 4 edits to the CWCki]] he changed the description of [[Michael Snyder]]'s image to "Michael Snyder, the dirty '''Fat''', child-molesting <s>Jew</s> gentile," adding the emphasis himself. While it might be that he simply does not realize how much his appearance had changed since he was a teen, his constant insulting of other people's weight is a blatant case of self-contradiction.

==Chris on hypocrisy==
{{quote|A: "hypocrite"; [[Chris and English|an adjective]]; 1) to be of a belief while not upholding that belief. 2) a total liar. 3) [[Fanbase|an UNTRUE Fan]]. example: When the Sonichu Fan left Sonichu for [[Asperchu|a newer, yet badly drawn, thing]], after having said that they would always enjoy Sonichu forever, is a hypocrite among the Truest and Loyalest Sonichu Fans.|Chris, on what it means to be a hypocrite}}

In the [[Common_Questions#Answered_20_January_2010|Mailbag questions]], Chris was asked to define "hypocrite." His answer shows that he barely understands the concept, thinks it's some kind of insult (like "naïve" or "benevolent"), and somehow refers to a fan's level of devotion.

Chris's first definition is very broad, and could be used to describe hypocrisy (one's stated beliefs being in conflict with one's actions), but could also be used to describe a general lack of enthusiasm. Under Chris's definition, a homophobe who doesn't take [[Sonichu 10|drastic measures]] to eradicate homosexuality would be a hypocrite.

His second definition is just hyperbole, in the same way someone would throw around "fascist" when not using it to describe an [[CWCville|extreme right-wing authoritarian nationalist]].

Chris's third definition is more of a (failed) example to ''describe'' a hypocrite, and more describes Chris's "if you're not now, you never were" attitude towards fandom. In Chris's mind, he must enjoy all ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' games regardless of quality, and wear and display ''[[Pokémon]]'' merchandise well past an age where that would be considered socially acceptable. Because Chris enjoyed ''Sonic'' and ''Pokémon'' when he was younger, he's not allowed to move on, grow up, and find other, more adult interests.

Chris then went on to rail against Asperchu, and refused to acknowledge the dozens of mailbag letters pointing out examples of his hypocrisy, double standards, and contradictions.

==Sources==
<references/>

==See also==
* [[List of Chris's lies]]
* [[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 9]]

{{Chris and}}

Father Call

2013-07-31T03:52:06Z

Hemlock: /* Chris's love and memory */

[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

On the fourth of [[November 2009|November, 2009]], [[Chris|Solid Chris]] spent a little over two hours on the phone one night with '''[[Troll|Matthew Devoria]]''' (born [[1957]]), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]]. Matthew is apparently a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]].

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest content|honesty]], before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.

Their conversation is illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matthew berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], inability to grow up, [[chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[Obesity|being overweight]], and general failure at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial chores]], mowing the lawn, which he uses a [[CWC Fighter|riding lawn mower]] to do, and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homo|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being berated with insults for two hours, [[stress]] overcame him and Chris became increasingly more [[chris and anger|upset]]. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which ended equally poorly.

==Summary==
* Throughout the call, ''Portal'' is occasionally heard in the background.
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious sounding claims about his weight-lifting prowess. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, and instead hands the phone over to her father, Matthew.
* Matthew is fairly civil toward Chris to begin with, though it's immediately obvious that Matthew doesn't have much respect for him. Matthew begins by calling out Chris on his underwhelming employment record, and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a Pokemon Gym Leader seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding [[monthly tugboat]]. Matthew asks if any hypothetical children of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic (or "'tard babies" to use Matthew's phrasing), and while Chris denies that they would be, Matthew checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris [[lie]]s during the call, and while Matthew goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous when Chris does it again.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named Crystal. Not only does Matthew consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be blasphemous, he doesn't even like Crystal as a name and thinks it's more appropriate for a stripper.
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey for her looks, Chris is questioned on why [[Liquid Chris]] (who Matthew will sing the praises of many times during the call) was impersonating him. Solid Chris's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with [[Sonichu]]. Matthew is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on Sonichu, before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years.
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matthew brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers|Chris's little 9/11 video]], and says that he found it especially offensive, since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center that day. Chris's only response is to say the video was really [[Clyde Cash]]'s fault, because he was being mean to Chris.
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matthew tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like," but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, including having to pull up weeds, mow the lawn, move furniture, and bury his beloved [[Patti Chandler|dog]]. Matthew is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother.
* Chris doesn't let the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working discourage him, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matthew, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing his [[Ohio trip|road trip to Ohio]] in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he won't come to D.C. to meet Kacey.
* Matthew accuses Chris of acting like a child, and mentions the state of [[Chris's room]] (as seen in [[Tour of Chris's House|the tour]] of [[14 Branchland Court]]) as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility. Chris just tries to blame [[Barb]] for not helping him, causing Matthew to sarcastically comment on his lack of maturity, only for Chris to miss the sarcasm and think Matthew is actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, Chris tries to compare the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matthew spent carrying his dead colleague back to base. Matthew is ''furious'' at this comparison, and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matthew to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''... and then starts describing the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a vaguely correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story.
* Matthew says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat, and Chris ''completely'' misses the point and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills, and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey and a child on his monthly tugboat and a minimum wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matthew points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matthew off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle, and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be eighty-four per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by this, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matthew points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, true patriots don't make videos mocking 9/11.
* Matthew decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11. Matthew tells Chris that he must be [[naive]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of the word "naive" and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least until Matthew reminds him which of the two was formerly in the USMC, causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his Elementary School principal and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matthew brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriately "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads into Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" to be a cast-iron rule, rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly attempts to end the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit; Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up, big time.

==Transcript==
===Matthew makes the scene===

'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris, it's Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house cause, um, they wanted to call 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter...

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did 51 reps with, uh, fifty-pound weights...not really weights, but...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times each arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hm. Well, was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like... 100 or more pounds for my job but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Uh, okay, what's his name? ...Okay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Matthew? Okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' All right.

'''Kacey:''' All right well just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

[''Pause'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, s- good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good, good... So, uh... So, I've got a couple of questions for you... Well, more than a couple.

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an an- with an [[honest content|honest]] answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, well uh, first and foremost, let's see... You got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling out applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kind of places? What kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, w- yeah, I'm looking a- I'm applying for, like, uh- retail stores and such, I've got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at [[Wal-Mart]], and had one over at [[Target]]... I have worked before, I've worked at [[Wendy's]] in Ruckersville for a few months... First off, I worked off as a sales representative for [[Cutco]] cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's minimum wage stuff... Did you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at...''Target''... I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean...surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? ...How old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27...sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''thirty'' and you're working at, uh...''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hm...yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh...degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know... but I mean, if I- if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get...in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Uh... I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for three years and you have done nothing with it... Hm, you haven't had any jobs between then?

===Pokémon volunteer and Chris's home===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had- I did- I have done volunteer work... Uh...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' All right, yeah, well, I have the- I helped the children over at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Citizens' Gym League]] for the [[Pokémon]] Trading [[Card games|Card Game]] league a few years back...

'''Matthew:''' ''Pokémon''? Wait, wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, build decks from what scraps they had, make sure they kept in order, don't get too crazy...

'''Matthew:''' And...how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' That was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' And- um- that's still going strong. Maybe I-

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...And I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. So about ten years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for ten years.

'''Chris:''' ...Yeah, but also, like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting... but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? And, I mean, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people, planting trees, that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have- I have been- I have helped people out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure children were playing and were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' And...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore?

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, I was kinda like, uh, you know, uh, not so good at showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on. But anyway, aside from that, I...I've been searching and, uh, doing yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right... Well, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pok-e-man'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with my [[mother]] and my [[father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for a while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20... I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though... I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my- of the house.

'''Matthew:''' ...With her help?

'''Chris:''' ...And get a place of my own...

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know...um... Some details I'm not understand... I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know...uh...I...it's like a...whole bunch of details...you know...yeah.

'''Matthew:''' EXPLAIN, PLEASE. I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know...I keep between myself...

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, if you can't s-s- If you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the 'Tard-baby===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh...

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um...

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar... I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go... What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see... If you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Texas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic dreams and Bob Chandler===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]...

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But...you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's boobs and Internet fame===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' ''[extremely uncomfortable laughter]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend [[Kim]], she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together... making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah...

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you... don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about... I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish... yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls... and, uh... and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh...

'''Matthew:''' This... okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just... this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===Twin Falling Towers and getting fired===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... okay... you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam... that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But... and then what- and then YOU, you made this... Son-ni-chu thing. I mean... it’s like... ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing... that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um... you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah... 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean... that kinda hits... that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have... I put that...

'''Matthew:'''You’re lucky I don’t... you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my... I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother... y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um... I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and...

'''Matthew:''' You made a video...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had...

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some... GUY... on the Internet... that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm... yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to... you know... y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name... And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off...

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you... let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I... [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' ...That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That... are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:'''No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

'''Matthew:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity, and [[chores]]===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a... fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and fake Internet women===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

'''Matthew:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and [[Ohio_trip|I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth]] back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I... [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

===The maggot manchild and shit starts to hit the fan===
'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. [[I AM STRONG|I am a STRONG MAN]]. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Matthew:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]]. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden? That was a heavy burden?

'''Matthew:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...

===Kacey returns===
'''Matthew:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Matthew:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']
===Literature and health===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I... have... learned... that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lenny throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I... I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed''] Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after... that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after... a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but... how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe... maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't... you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't...[''sputters'']... don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like... half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...

===Liquid Chris and minimum wage jobs===
'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have... you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about... minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.
===Respect and listening skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been... he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is... this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W... well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you... you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send... I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's pathetic life and diseased ticker===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokemon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

'''Matthew:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O... kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's... that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long... do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Matthew:''' And play... okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris blows it, but he's an American!===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah... Let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, ''really'' turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, ''maybe''.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like...a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly...as a friend...a true friend, a good friend...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

'''Matthew:''' I do know, because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well... Points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I...am an [[United_States_of_America|''American'']]! I am proud to be an American and [[I_AM_STRONG|I am ''strong'']]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic... If you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't...do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Chris's love and memory===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't... that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...[[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Matthew:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's... that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ... no, okay, her grandmother, who is ''my''...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Matthew crosses the line and Chris's reaction time===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is... man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... [[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' A line. You crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment?"

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you... I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spellcheck, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making... mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli... what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I, it was not a retard, no. It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to find a school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not...

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you... and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is creepy and bad at dating===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy....shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Two's company snapshots|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' You can't think of... I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean... I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's... $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15% or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm... let's see... that would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least... they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well... good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Matthew:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===Endgame===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's... that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together.

'''Kacey:''' [''Bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!

'''Matthew:''' [''Cracks the fuck up'']

'''Kacey:''' You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''Heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. You can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the Hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So you know what? I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the two hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven two hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean... yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then... and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough. Because you haven't done anything like that. You've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, three songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing for me. Come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the [[stress|STRESS]]. I can't do this. I want a real man.

'''Kacey:''' [''Silence again''] You can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you've done, Chris. Look what you've done!

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' [''Silence reigns''] I would like to say...good evening.

'''Matthew:''' So...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 24]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==

*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ddn91nknqahn87a mp3 of phone call]
*[[Niggo|Niggo-rigged]] audio ripped & combined from YouTube vids in [http://db.tt/vNbYguZ0 OGG] or [http://db.tt/akLWEieq MP3]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SKLGsJC6R0 the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Donald Duck impersonation

2013-07-29T09:43:36Z

Hemlock:

[[Image:Chris Donald.jpg|thumb|What Donald Duck would probably look like had Chris's impersonation manifested.]]

{{quote|I... oh my God, I'm shaking. '''What''' was that voice? Th- that was Hell...|[[Clyde Cash]]<ref>[[Mumble 4]]</ref>}}

[[Chris]] likes to believe that he is good at '''impersonating Donald [[Duck]].''' His impersonation has been judged as mediocre by most and down right creepy by others. This is mostly due to the fact that Chris does not use appropriate comedic timing to introduce his voice acting. One of the more disturbing uses of this impersonation can be heard in the video [[CWCFlyingElephants]]. Although unlikely, some [[trolls]] maintain that when he worked at [[Wendy's]], he was actually fired for doing this impersonation. Since it might have been one of many grievances that Chris's former employers had, there might be some truth to this claim.

{{quote|Break the Ice with a joke: try not to use an [[Twin Falling Towers|offensive joke]]. Or, you can do what I do, if you can, just imitate good ol’ Donald Duck. Quack! Quack!|Dating tips from the guru, ''[[Sonichu's News Dash]]''<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcville//SchusNews7.htm</ref>.}}

This impression is an achievement of which Chris is extremely proud. He even goes so far as to mention it in casual conversation, and [[Dating education|suggests other people to use it when hitting on women]]. Apparently, in Chris's mind, chicks dig unsolicited impersonations of Disney characters. He has probably misunderstood the common practice of showing off one's talents as a means to attract attention. This might impress a ten-year-old, but will not entice [[china]].

Disturbingly, Chris has also been known to do this impersonation whilst [[Mass debating|masturbating]].

On 23 [[August 2011]], Chris sang Donald's famous song "[[Wikipedia:Der Fuehrer's Face|Der Fuehrer's Face]]" in a misguided attempt to mock [[Jack Thaddeus]]' communist views.<ref>[[Calling Out#Re-Calling Ahuvia]]</ref>
==References==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Duck]]
*[[The Creepy Stare]]

[[Category:Physical characteristics]]
[[Category:Hobbies]]

Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 3

2013-07-27T17:13:18Z

Hemlock: /* Transcript */

'''Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 3''' is the third call between [[Chris]] and [[Alec Benson Leary]], which took place on 30 [[January 2010]].

==Summary==

In this conversation, Alec and Chris touch on several topics. They cover one of Chris's earlier attempts to apologize on video, the disposition of Chris's ripped-off character [[Simonla Rosechu]], Chris's attacks on Alec in the [[Mailbag]] and elsewhere, and the slack-tastic schedule Chris favors when it comes to updating [[Sonichu (comic)|his comic]].

At this point in their dispute, Chris seems to believe he still has cards to play as far as negotiating with Alec, [[Evan]], and the rest of the [[Asperpedia]] crew for the removal of the ads they placed on the [[CWCipedia]]. He is adamant in his refusal to do away with Simonla despite Evan's demands, and he believes that by updating her page on the CWCipedia he will be able to wipe the truth about her origins from history.

When Alec turns to discussing Chris's attacks on him, Chris quickly shifts into his standard woe-is-me mode, whining about the [[troll]]s, the [[ED]] page and so forth. Alec observes that Chris has used the CWCipedia to attack him in the same way that Chris's detractors have used ED, a cogent point that flies several miles over Chris's head.

The call concludes after more whining from Chris about his [[biological clock]]. Chris claims to be expecting another caller and hangs up. Later speculation centered around [[The Wallflower]] as the mystery caller.

==Video==

<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 3
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|2XaH3RRyXZ0}}
| Stardate = 30 [[January 2010]]
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Alec]]
| Saga = {{Asperchu}} [[Asperchu]]
| previous = [[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 2]]
| next = [[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 4]]
}} </center>

===Transcript===

 '''Alec''': Hey uh Chris, it's Alec... How are you doin'?

 '''Chris''': Oh, hi, Alec. Umm, yeah, I'm doing okay. Umm.

 '''Alec''': Yeah.

 '''Chris''': Yeah, listen, [[Lie|I'm expecting a call in a couple, in a couple of minutes,]] so...uh... Okay, well, what's, what else is on your mind?

 '''Alec''': Well, I saw you made an apology video.

 '''Chris''': Yeah.

 '''Alec''': So, uh, thank you for that. Um... You know, I'm a little concerned that maybe you didn't cover all the points that, that we, that I talked to you about. I think, uh... Well, you know, you did apologize, but I'm not really sure the people are going to understand what you, you were apologizing for. 'Cause you mentioned just like... You said, "I apologize for some of the things I said." [''pause''] You know what I mean?

 '''Chris''': Indeed. Well, I'll make it more specific in the...

 '''Alec''': I'd appreciate that.

'''Chris''': ...in the videos that go along with this video. Okay. I'll take that, I'll take that, [''unintelligible tard-speak''], I'll take that tomorrow.

 '''Alec''': Well, I'd appreciate that. Um, I also do think that, like we were talking about Evan yesterday, I think it would be a good idea to mention him specifically in the apology video. Um, just about...

 '''Chris''': [''interrupts''] Okay, but, okay, but... Okay. But '''Simonla stays'''.

 '''Alec''': Well, um... You know, that's between you and Evan, but as far as I know, he's, he's not going to be happy with that.

 '''Chris''': Yeah, well I'm just say, yeah, well I'm just... You can relay that to him.

 '''Alec''': Alright, I can let him know, but, like I said, I think you should, you should really hammer that out with him. [''pause''] 'Cause you know, like I said, it is on the CWCki there that you did get Simonla as a, as a direct, you know, inspiration from Simonchu.

 '''Chris''': Right.

 '''Alec''': Yeah.

 '''Chris''': I'll fix that tomorrow as well.

 '''Alec''': Well, um, like I said, Chris, you can't really go back and change history. What's there is there. [''long pause''] You know what I mean? I understand you said that it was, that you were, you were making fun of Evan with that, but, I mean, you wrote it as if it was true...

 '''Chris''': [''interrupts''] I was, I never, I never... Actually, I never was making fun of anybody with that.

 '''Alec''': Well, I thought you said yesterday that, uh, you meant it as a mockery of Evan.

 '''Chris''': No, I did not.

 '''Alec''': You did not?

 '''Chris''': Yes. I did not.

 '''Alec''': Okay. So why, then, does the Simonla article say that it was inspired by Evan's work?

'''Chris''': [''long pause''] Well that does need to be corrected, and I will correct it. Tomorrow.

 '''Alec''': Okay, I'm just... I'm asking, why was it there in the first place, though? [''long pause''] You know what I mean? 'Cause this has just caused a huge hubbub, and it's just, it kinda sucks.

 '''Chris''': [''interrupts again''] Yes, well, anyway, it will be, it will be corrected.

 '''Alec''': Okay, but that doesn't change the fact that you used Simonchu as inspiration. I'm just trying to warn you, Chris.

 '''Chris''': Alright.

 '''Alec''': You know, you've been... You know... I'd like kinda to talk about me a little bit. I think I've been talking to you about your issues quite enough, honestly. If you don't mind I'd like to bring up, ah... [''pauses to shift gears''] You know, I'm a little angry with you, Chris. For, for a number of reasons. Um, you've been calling me naïve quite a bit, you know, in our past couple of conversations, and as I understand, you, you consider that to be, you know, one of the worst insults that a person can call someone. Yet you use it on me [''Chris tries to break in.''] repeatedly.

 '''Chris''': It is my least fav-, it is my least favorite word of all time.

 '''Alec''': Well, why did you feel it was appropriate to use it, uh, on me? I don't consider myself...

 '''Chris''': [''interrupts''] Because you not, because you not, because you do not have as much experiences as I have had. You have not been deceived by trolls. You do not have an, a page that slanders against your good name turning ya into '''a mockery!''' You've never been, you've never had...

 '''Alec''': Really? It seems to me that the CWCipedia itself is turning into a page to slander me. What do you have to say about that?

 '''Chris''': I'm sorry, I did not understand that last statement.

 '''Alec''': It seems that the CWCipedia itself is turning into a website to mock and derail me. You know, I saw your Mailbag 50 that you uploaded, um, which was, you know, an ideal Mailbag in your eyes, you know? What you want questions to be about. And as far as I can tell, the entire purpose of that Mailbag was just to talk about how much I suck and how much better you are than me. Is that really what you want your Mailbags to be?

 '''Chris''': Part of the way. Part of the way, but those questions are actually real. And they have come from a Sonichu fan forum, of those that are still loyal to me. And they actually think that way.

 '''Alec''': Alright, but it's not totally representative of all your letters when you only have letters talking about how bad my comic is.

 '''Chris''': Yes, but you see, see for one thing you don't go off the topic with issues like homo-, like homosettsuality, or mislabeling me as a homosettsual.

 '''Alec''': How can you go off-topic, really? Because people are just asking you general questions. There really wasn't a topic to begin with. People ask you questions about subjects maybe that are a little unpleasant to you, but that's just 'cause they wanna know things.

 '''Chris''': Yes, but on those points I cannot really answer those questions, now can I?

 '''Alec''': Well, I don't know. I mean, why can't you answer those kind of questions?

 '''Chris''': Because they are, because they were complicated to me and I could not really comprehend them fully to come up with a sound answer.

 '''Alec''': Um... [''deep breath''] Okay, well, could you give me an example of a question that's a little too complex? I'm just curious.

 '''Chris''': Hmm. Taking the one of the letters that I had deleted or moved to the reject section. Read that to, read that to...

 '''Alec''': [''interrupts''] I can't really look at the letters that you deleted. But I can look at the rejected ones, I suppose.

 '''Chris''': Actually you can, you just have to go up to the history tab for that Mailbag. For one Mailbag out of all those Mailbags.

 '''Alec''': That's a little inconvenient, ya know?

 '''Chris''': It becomes obvious. You know, anytime before I answered and edited it.

 '''Alec''': Like, uh... Well, I can just come up with a general topic, I guess, as an example. People have been asking you, uh... I don't know... About Rosechu for example. That whole gender nonsense about, you know, about the Raichu being a male and things like that. And I know you said that...

 '''Chris''': The Raichu was actually ''female''!

 '''Alec''': Well, I take your word for it. I don't wanna get into that, because we did, you know, draw that out last time. So.

 '''Chris''': Okay.

 '''Alec''': You know, I think that you seem to get stressed out when people tell how much they like my comic. Now, if I were in your shoes, I would take that as a compliment, because my comic was inspired by your work. But you seem to think it's a bad thing that people like me at all. You seem to want people to hate me.

 '''Chris''': Well, yeah, that's another, that's another thing. They confuse, they confuse your character, Asperchu, they're saying that it's my character when I have to tell them that it's not. That character is your character.

 '''Alec''': Well, I don't want to people to think that. I understand that, definitely. I've been telling people, you know, Asperchu is original and he's not related to you or Sonichu in any way. So, we can't reach everybody but we're definitely trying.

 '''Chris''': Alright.

 '''Alec''': The people keep... People still to this day write me and think Asperchu is a parody of you and that's just not the case. So I do understand your annoyance with that subject. 'Cause I do kinda...

 '''Chris''': [''interrupts''] Yeah. Okay, well, listen, okay, anyway, listen, I gotta go, I'm accepting a call. So I'll talk to you another time.

 '''Alec''': Alright. Uh, I do have one quick question. You know, when I talk to you, you usually want me to call you right about 9:30, is that right? But usually I try to call you then and you don't answer. Is that still a good time to talk to you?

 '''Chris''': Yes, unless I'm updating the CWCipedia. Which in that case I cannot get to my phone. Last night. And last night actually, I actually was updating the CWCipedia.

 '''Alec''': Uh... [''sigh''] Alright. Well, I've tried to call you several nights before then as well and got no answer. I know you weren't uploading... [Chris attempts to interrupt] I know you weren't uploading pages.

 '''Chris''': Yeah. Okay, well, anyway, I actually was uploading pages last night.

 '''Alec''': Well, last night, not the previous several nights.

 '''Chris''': Yes, but it was still two pages a day, three days, there you guy.

 '''Alec''': I still gotta recommend that you try for consistency over just bulk quantity, Chris.

 '''Chris''': Yeah, well, my biological, yeah, so my biological clock has been changing, it's making me go to bed earlier.

 '''Alec''': Why is it?

 '''Chris''': I had to reschedule...

 '''Alec''': Why is it changing? Do you have, is there some big change in your schedule? Have you started a job or anything? Because sometimes that does it.

 '''Chris''': [''suddenly high-pitched and whiny''] I have been, I have been crashing earlier. I usually would stay up 'til, I used to stay up 'til about four o'clock, now it's like I'm crashing before midnight.

 '''Alec''': Well, that's still pretty late. I mean, I usually go to bed at, like, eleven, and I still get pages uploaded.

 '''Chris''': Anyway, I gotta go, I'll talk to you another time.

[''Tape runs out.'']

{{succession|label=[[Alec Benson Leary calls]]|prevlink=[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 2|Chris and Alec Call 2]]|nextlink=[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 4|Chris and Alec Call 4]]|}}

==External Links==
* [http://www.mediafire.com/?9f53lnl1amecuk3 Audio download]
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XaH3RRyXZ0 YouTube link]
{{FanChats}}
[[Category:Phone calls]]

Yawning Squirtle

2013-07-22T20:58:52Z

Hemlock:

<center>[[Image:Yawning_Squirtle.jpg|FEELS GOOD MAN]]</center>
{{quote|*YAWN*|Yawning Squirtle's eternal message to the world}}
[[Image:CrystalSquirtle.png|thumb|[[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal]] buys all her weed from Yawning Squirtle.]]

'''Yawning Squirtle''' is arguably [[Chris]]'s only creation that isn't complete shit. First depicted in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], stoned out of his mind, Yawning Squirtle easily appeals to Chris's weed-loving trolls. Also, for whatever reason, Chris made this character, despite his undying hate for [[tobacky|Illegal Substances]].

In a [[CWC Blog]] post from [[CWC_Blog#12_January_2010|12 January 2010]], Chris attempted to curb the growing Yawning Squirtle fandom by stating that Yawning Squirtle was caught by a [[Pokémon]] trainer.

[[Image:YawningSquirtleForMayor.jpg|thumb|Propaganda from Yawning Squirtle's 2010 Mayoral bid.]]

==Chris on Yawning Squirtle==
[[File:Stoned.PNG|thumb|left|Chris, after trying some of Squirtle's secret stash.]]
On at least three instances, Chris has tried to downplay Yawning Squirtle's importance in the comics. Chris has later stated that he assumes that YS is fighting for a trainer now.

{{quote|The WAILORD who dropped the rock onto the mother [[Pokemon|Swampert]] and the Squirtle who Yawned are ONLY Individual characters who I originally had NO plans on putting into future stories, so ASSUME that the two were BOTH caught by Pok'emon Trainers in Pok'e Balls and now the two are fighting with their trainers in Pok'emon Battles.|Chris on Yawning Squirtle, [[CWC_Blog#12_January_2010|CWC Blog, 12 January 2010]]}}

Fans strongly disagree with this interpretation, opting for [[Sean August Watley]]'s ''Moon-Pals'' depiction of Yawning Squirtle spending his days on [[The Moon]] getting high with [[Metal Sonichu]], [[Boulder-Dropping Whale]] and [[Bill the Scientist]].

In the [[CWCipedia]] [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Bubbles_Rosechu article] on [[Bubbles Rosechu]], Chris further expanded on the character by stating that he was a childhood friend of hers. It's unclear if this will lead to [[Rule 34]] art of the two anytime soon.

==Images and shoops==
<center><gallery>
Image:Yawning_Squirtle.jpg|Original
Image:Yawninsquertaljpg-1.jpg|Inevitable rule 34.
Image:Schucomic9page59ic1copyhg7.jpg|Lolwut.
Image:Yawning_squirtle_card.jpg|Original character, do not steal.
Image:Yawning Squirtle KKK.png|Squirtle!!!
Image:1230345505120if5.jpg|Fffrustrated Yawning Squirtle.
Image:1230345505120.JPG|More Fffrustrated Yawning Squirtle.
Image:Call.jpg|Oh dear...
Image:Shoop.jpg|He's a firing his lazer...
Image:F advicesquirm 5ff7bca.jpg|Advice Yawning Squirtle.
Image:F advicesquirm 5c0df54.jpg|Moar Advice Yawning Squirtle.
Image:F advicesquirm fd4a802.jpg|Even moar Advice Yawning Squirtle.
Image:B08c8baa1b.jpg|Who's [[Silvana]] been hanging with...
Image:332mij9.jpg|He came.
Image:300yawnsjpg.jpg|Yawning Squirtle in Sparta.
Image:Yawning squirtle oh exploitable.png|Yawning Squirtle 2.0
Image:Modern Squirtle.JPG|Perspectives on Modern Sleep 75
Image:DSC01318.jpg|Faggot cosplaying Yawning Squirtle.
Image:Yawning Squirtle by Zom-39A.jpg|Artist's depiction.
Image:Cheers04.jpg
</gallery></center>

==See also==
*[[Boulder-Dropping Whale]]

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pkqt1yeHPwU CWC Drawing- Yawning Squirtle Pt 1]
{{Sonichu}}
[[Category:Characters]]

Parody

2013-07-22T19:13:22Z

Hemlock: /* Chris does not understand the concept of parody */

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{quote|*Any names, or persons, illustrated in any of the [[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu Comics]], except that of [[Christian Weston Chandler]], that may seem similar to anyone in real life, are purely coincidental, or otherwise parodic.* |Chris's disclaimer appearing below the cover to [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]]<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic9TVY7.htm Sonichu 8 cover]</ref>}}

{{quote|*Also, [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] and his 17-year old girlfriend, Kathleen Nicole Wallace in this comic are BASED on the REAL PEOPLE, and they both HAVE actually done things together that would be classified as Illegal in the [[United States of America|USA]]; Send the [[Jerkop|police]] on them in Clarksville, Tennesse.*|Chris, contradicting his own disclaimer}}

[[Image:Notthebathroom.jpg|thumb|Chris attempts parody in the infamous [[Sonichu_7#The_Family_Guy_.22Skitch.22|''Family Guy'' "skitch"]]]]

'''[[Wikipedia:Parody|Parody]]''' is an imitative work created to mock, comment on, or trivialize an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of humorous, satiric or ironic imitation. The concept dates back to Ancient Greek literature, as [[Wikipedia:Hegemon of Thasos|Hegemon of Thasos]] was credited with being the first guy to change the words of poems to make them funny.

In a broader sense, parodies need not be humorous as long as they provide some sort of commentary on the original work. In that sense, a parody can be considered a sort of critical analysis of the original work.

For [[Christian Weston Chandler]], the word "parody" is basically a way to secure copyrights for other people's ideas.<ref>[[IRC (20 January 2009)]], 21:30</ref> You see, parody falls under "fair use" in copyright law, so if Sonichu is a ''parody'' of ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' and ''[[Pokémon]]'', then it's perfectly legal for Chris to turn Sonichu into a multimedia empire.

==Why ''Sonichu'' is not a parody==

[[Image:JargonPage.jpg|thumb|If you keep telling a lie often enough...]]
[[Image:RCParodic.png|thumb|Let me guess: the ripped-off warning is a ''parody'' too]]

The issue of whether or not ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'' meets the criteria for fair use is academic. As it stands, Chris is simply one of thousands of lame [[Sonic]] fans trying to make a name for himself by "creating" shitty Sonic recolors. For all of Chris's big dreams of developing [[Sonichu]] games, cartoons, and merchandise, he can barely muster the motivation to produce two issues of the comic book each year, despite the quality of his workmanship.

Still, the question remains: is ''Sonichu'' a parody? If humor is to be chief criterion, then the answer is obviously no. Nearly all of the humor to be found in the series is purely unintentional by the author. A good example of this principle in action is the infamous "[[Sammy|Family Guy skitch]]" of [[Sonichu 7|Sonichu #7]]. At first blush, this could be interpreted as a sardonic imitation of ''[[Family Guy]]''-style humor, with Chris initiating a needless flashback to a joke that depends on slapstick and nostalgia references. The problem is that Chris isn't that clever, as demonstrated by the way he shamelessly offers the gag to Seth MacFarlane to use in the show itself, indicating that Chris believes his imitation is tantamount to the genuine article.

In terms of commentary on the original work, ''Sonichu'' is virtually devoid of this. Early issues would poke fun at ''Sonic'' and ''[[Pokémon]]'' characters, but this wasn't particularly insightful. Indeed, characters like [[Team Rocket]] and [[Doctor Robotnik]] are often mocked in the original works, so Chris was most likely just repeating what he'd seen. In [[Sonichu 1|''Sonichu '' #1]], [[Amy Rose]] meets [[Rosechu]], but the scene is little more than a dry comparison of the two, who wind up being more alike than different.

Speaking legally rather than artistically, in the United States a valid parody should demonstrate reasonable usage with regard to "the amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole"<ref>http://www.copyright.gov/title17/92chap1.html#107</ref> to fall under fair use. In other words, the hypothetical defendant should be able to show that they have not "taken any more of the original work than was necessary to achieve the purpose for which the material was copied from the original work."<ref>http://www.publaw.com/article/parody-fair-use-or-copyright-infringement</ref> If Chris really does have some parodic "purpose" in mind for ''Sonichu'', the sheer volume of ideas he has simply appropriated from other sources is weighted against him; aside from using characters with names and appearances mostly or completely lifted from other works, the main storylines themselves are far too derivative of the original materials to qualify as pastiche or homage. Chris merely chooses to mix and match entire ready-made plots, such as the [[Sonichu Balls|Quest for the Sonichu Balls]] (''Sonic the Hedgehog''/''Dragon Ball'') or the plight of [[Zelina Rosechu|Zelina]] (''Zelda II: The Adventure of Link''), making only superficial changes and avoiding any decent narration along the way. Ultimately the main difficulty in proving this point against Chris would be delineating the numerous works he has used and where. Unfortunately for him, [[Things Chris has ripped off|this has been done]].

Perhaps by sheer coincidence, ''Sonichu'' has evolved into a shell of what a true ''Sonic''/''Pokémon'' parody could be. Like the ''Sonic'' characters, the cast is composed of cutesy-looking animals who have gradually sloughed off the veneer of innocent video game mascots to engage in angsty dialogue and crude romantic entanglements. And, like ''Pokémon'', the [[Sonichus]] and [[Rosechus]] are super-powered animals who battle in the service of a bossy, whiny human. In short, by combining the two franchises, Chris has wound up depicting a darker, more infantile reflection of each. The problem is that he fails to realize this, and so the actual commentary on ''Sonic'' and ''Pokémon'' is never properly realized. During an [[IRC (20 January 2009)|IRC Chat]] with [[Clyde Cash]] and [[BILLY MAYS]], Chris spends an inordinate amount of time trying to explain how Sonichu is a Parody of Sonic (though he entirely forgets [[Pikachu]]), but all he does is list their similarities. Even after the definition of "parody" is spelled out to him he completely fails to find any element of Sonichu that is a legitimate parody of Sonic: he continues to insist that ''Sonichu'' is a parody because he's fast, but also has electricity powers. In his [[The Sonichu Chronicles|PowerPoint presentation]], Chris even describes Sonichu's story as "an Untold Chapter of one story, so it is additional, yet not a major plot change," which plants it quite firmly in the territory of "derivative work."

The irony is that by refusing to embrace ''Sonichu'' as a derivative, one-dimensional [[Sonic]] recolor, Chris fails to live up to his assertion that ''Sonichu'' is a parody. But Chris can't have it both ways. It's either original, or a parody. The closest ''Sonichu'' ever comes to true parody is in its satirical depiction of [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] in [[Sonichu 8|#8]]. Instead of simply portraying ED as a website, Chris represents it as some [[4-cent_garbage.com|sort of business]], housed in a physical building, with its users working there as some sort of staff, churning out slanderous content as an end unto itself. For once, Chris actually has a point to make: that ED is a bunch of mean-spirited people who waste their lives hurting people. This message is ham-fisted, but at least it's not the usual subtext like "I think hedgehogs are way past cool!" and "I'd sure like to have sex!" Then again, given his belief that "[[lulz]]" is an acronym for "laughs under lucricities," it's quite possible that he literally [[Chris_and_reality|believes ED ''is'' a business]].

Further demonstrating Chris's ignorance of the true nature of parody is his belligerence towards [[Trolls|artists]] who have imitated his work. In particular, Chris has vehemently denounced [[Jimmy Hill]] for claiming credit for Sonichu and merchandising the character in Europe as an openly [[homosexual]] cartoon character. What Chris can't (or won't) understand is that Hill's use of Sonichu is exactly what a parody is supposed to be, since his version deliberately alters Sonichu to humorous effect. In a court battle, the law is more likely to favor the work of trolls as parody, though there's some question of what happens when you parody something that's already stolen.

But even if Chris understood fully what parody means, it likely wouldn't matter. "Parody" is simply a word Chris uses as one of many excuses he comes up with to do whatever he wants. When he tried to strike a deal with [[Vivian]] to get a cut of her [[Audiobook]] money, he said he was doing so despite not being happy that her work was "parodic." While the Audiobooks straight-up mock Chris and his comic rather than act as parodies, to him it's not okay for him to be subject of "parody," but it's okay for him to make "parodies" of works that others create. So it seems that he understands on a basic level that a parody is intended to make fun of something, but he changes the meaning of the word to suit his needs when he's called out on how Sonichu is plagiarism.

==''Sonichu'' as self-parody==

On the other hand, Chris's narcissism makes him a virtuoso at self-parody, so if he ever sues himself, he's covered.

When Chris takes [[Patti-Chan]] to [[CWCville]], he leads her through a portal in his bedroom. Upon seeing the disheveled state of his quarters, Patti remarks that it's no wonder Chris needs a woman in his life.

By [[Sonichu 6|''Sonichu'' #6]], Chris believed he had completed his Love Quest by befriending [[Megan Schroeder]], and eventually mocked his former bitterness over not having a girlfriend. When the heroes discuss the plight of [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal]] the subject soon turns to how jealous men can be, and [[Megagi]] wryly echoes Chris's statement that he despised nearly all the men on Earth, simply because he couldn't get a girlfriend. A hilarious inside joke, if you're Chris.

Chris leads a squad into the year [[Sonichu chronology#1996|1996]], where he relives the moment when he created [[Bionic the Hedgehog]], in the next issue. As lockers played a role in his inspiration, Chris extended the scene to include a gag lifted directly from an episode of ''Beavis and Butt-head'', where the two slam a locker door over and over for fun.

In [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], Sonichu discovers [[Rule 34]] pictures on 4-cent_garbage.com, and expresses amazement that he and his friends were photographed in such intimate moments. Rosechu pointedly informs him that the images are drawings, even though they look "lifelike" to Sonichu, because Chris himself drew the sex scenes on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] (some of which he recycled in ''Sonichu'' #8).

Also, the Spring Break feature in #8 features [[Blake]] getting fooled into having unprotected sex with [[Silvana|a trannie]], which most analysts agree is a reference to Chris's own experiences getting tricked by various [[Blanca|trolls posing as would-be girlfriends]]. Intentionally or not, Chris does a pretty good job projecting his own hormone-fueled foolishness onto Blake.

==Chris does not understand the concept of parody==

Despite his adamant declarations that he fully understands parody, Chris has repeatedly proven himself incapable of recognizing it in the face of the genuine article. The Jimmy Hill arc was a perfect example of what a parody is: taking what he had made canon and turning it around as commentary.

He makes the same error in the [[Adult Swim posts]]. He posts a rant admonishing [[Adult Swim|''Robot Chicken'']], a show centered around parody, that the canon Autobots wouldn't act the way they were portrayed, which was exactly the point. He goes on to give them a suggestion for a skit using [[Random Access Humor]], which thankfully was ignored. ''Robot Chicken'' actually received a lot of such complaints, and made another sketch about the Go-Bots acting out of character, with the addition of a [[speech impediment|whiny]], [[Pedo-Glasses|bespectacled]], [[obesity|overweight]] fanboy living with his parents interjecting with complaints about inaccuracies... ''Coincidence!!??''... probably. It's less likely that they would reference Chris himself as it is that Chris is such a perfect example of everything wrong with cartoon-obsessed adults.

To cement the fact that Chris ''really'' doesn't understand parody, one only needs to take a look at a [[List_of_Christian%27s_comments_on_Youtube#Sonic:_Too_Fast.3F|comment he made]] on a certain Youtube video.<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF9CS3L_ezw Sonic: Too Fast?]</ref> This comment has him spewing venom at Hot Diggedy Demon (the author) for having 'murderous intent' and denying that Sonic is dead ''(the video shows Sonic going way too fast and careening into the sun.)'' It completely sailed over Chris' head that the video was done as a joke, instead making him take the video seriously and believing that Hot Diggedy Demon ''[[Chris and Reality|actually wanted to murder Sonic the Hedgehog]].''

In another Sonic related example of how Chris does not understand parody, he was enraged by a parodic fictional news story (which Chris thought was real) about Sega dropping Sonic as their mascot.<ref>[[Facebook#Sega Mascot Contest]]</ref>

==Hypocrisy==

While Chris is quick to justify the existence of his abomination by claiming "parody," he also uses the term as an attack on parodies of his own work, particularly [[Asperchu]]. Note that he doesn't just use the term [[CWC-isms|"slanderous mockeries"]] or "troll works": he specifically describes them as parodies, using the term as though it were an insult and justification for his rage. Humorously, this is the only thing he has ever accurately described as a parody, whereas his own comics are at best fan fiction and at worst theft of intellectual property.

==See also==

*[[Chris and the Law]]

== Sources ==
<references />
==Links to actual parodies==
*[http://sonichu.110mb.com/ The Official and Original Sonichu Site from Jimmy Hill]
*[http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=0A4E27D42C44EE9B Sonichu: The Animated Series]
*[http://sonichufinale.canalblog.com/ Sonichu Finale by Mr. Harry D.http://sonichufinale.canalblog.com/]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/timmys1984 Sonichu animated promos by Timmys1984 http://www.youtube.com/user/timmys1984]
*[http://sonichu.thecomicseries.com/ Sonichu is Dead]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8xUfVy2POk "The Last Sonichu" by Vivtheg]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jmOoAWWyhU "The Real Adventures of Sonichu" by Spencer Price]
*[http://www.sonichuttahcs.deviantart.com/ 'Sonichu: The TRUE and HONEST Comic Series' on DeviantART]

{{CWC-isms}}
[[Category:CWC-isms]]

Chris and brand loyalty

2013-07-22T18:48:00Z

Hemlock: /* Playstation 3 vs. HEXBox */

{{Articleofthenow}}

{{quote|You gotta have merchandise because it's like a wedding ring for the product. And it makes it- and then the fans will- will continue to support you as long as you have the merchandise a- it's like a wedding ring. |[[Download For Play Only|Chris, making his thoughts on branding as clear as he can.]]}}
[[Image:Chris Love Micky D's.png|thumb|right|I'm LOVIN' it.]]
'''Brand loyalty''' is a consumer's commitment to repeatedly purchasing a product or service from a particular company or business. Companies use advertising, loyalty programs, product placement and contests to establish a brand which consumers will recognize, consider valuable, and seek out at the expense of other brands. Due to his difficulty separating [[Chris and reality|reality and fiction]] Chris tends to consider advertisements to be [[AXE|literal documentation of a product's effectiveness]] rather than intrinsically biased attempts to lure consumers and as a result of his sense of entitlement he views [[Chris and contests|winning randomized contests]] as a validation of his self worth. These qualities, in combination with his [[Autism|rigid thinking, fear of change and attraction to routine]], has led Chris to have intense brand loyalty for certain products as well as hatred for their perceived rivals. His loyalty even extends to areas that would not normally considered "brands," such as mental disabilities and sexual orientations.

==Overview==
{{Quote|Oil of Olay brand bar soap... Softer, smoother skin in a week or so! And, not only that, it gets you clean, and it makes you smell good... I just used it to wash my hands! And I use it in the shower! To [[Mass debating|wash myself vigorously]]! I certainly do not use any animals, my own [[Semen|jizz]], or anything else other than Oil of Olay brand bars of soap. And Axe body wash. And shampoo, and conditioner. Available in anti-dandruff form! But anyway, Oil of Olay. Softer, smoother skin in a week, and makes you very clean. Have a nice day!|[[Anti Troll Movement Video1|Chris, promoting hygiene products without irony.]]}}
[[Image:Rubi 110309.jpg|thumb|right|Chris considered this an appropriate reward for drinking thousands of cans of Coke.]]
Chris considers his choice of brands to be a major component of his identity. In general, once Chris has committed to a particular "brand" he will stand by it regardless of its quality. He considers those who abandon a brand in favor of a competitor, such as [[Sonichu]] fans who became fans of [[Asperchu]], to be "hypocrites." Chris seems to consider being a consumer of a particular brand as something like a relationship - at one point clumsily attempting to use a mangled quote from the video game [[Brutal Legend]] to explain this strange belief, saying that merchandise was like a wedding ring and that as long as there was branded merchandise available, fans should stay loyal<ref>[[Download For Play Only]]</ref>.

As Chris's allegiance to brands plays such an important role in defining Chris's personal understanding of his identity, he feels highly threatened when either his favorite brands or his loyalty to them is called into question. Many of Chris's most notorious outbursts are a direct result of this insecurity. While this was the basis for much of Chris's internet trolling, it apparently dates back into Chris's early life when school bullies, in a form of proto-trolling, would tell him that Sonic the Hedgehog was dead in order to get a rise out of him.<ref>some Jackie chat</ref>

Chris is highly susceptible to marketing and branding; he feels strong loyalty to brands even, and perhaps especially, if they are essentially identical to their rivals. He is drawn to virtually every attempt at generating brand loyalty, compulsively entering any contest he encounters and fastidiously collecting various loyalty points, including [[My Coke Rewards]] and [[Wikipedia:McDonald's Monopoly|''McDonald's Monopoly'']].

[[Image:Lbpsucks.JPG|thumb|left|Free advertising]]
Chris seems to struggle to understand the economics of advertisements, instead seeing them as positive features in the media he enjoys. He happily included his own versions of advertisements and product placement for real brands in his [[Homemade Nintendo Power magazine]] and nearly every issue of [[Sonichu]]; he seemed genuinely surprised that Coke, for example, wouldn't want one of his fake Coke ads - "hand-drawn charm" notwithstanding - on the [[Cwcipedia]]. He also frequently states that his videos are sponsored or "brought to you by" various companies with which he has no business relationship and uses his own variation of marketing speak to plug their products. <ref>[[Anti Troll Movement Video1]]</ref> Likewise he often attempts to promote his favorite brands by parroting their advertising language, a habit he has had since at least high school. <ref>[[Song of Christian]]</ref>

He is a vigorous defender of his favored brands in unusual ways, warning his readers not to purchase pirated versions of [[Little Big Planet]] (a PS3 exclusive title) for Xbox 360, despite the fact that this is impossible.

{{clear}}

==[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]==
{{quote|HERO OF MY LIFE|[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu Chris, describing Sonic]}}
[[Image:0064-ChristianWSonic.jpg|thumb|right|A match made in heaven?]]
Sonic is the quintessential example of Chris's intense brand loyalty. Chris is, in many ways, the product of Sega's attempt to allow people to feel a personal connection with electronic appliances. Following Mario's success for Nintendo, Sonic was designed to appeal to young children and act as a mascot for Sega. He was concocted by combining elements from other popular cultural elements of the early 1990s, including Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, and Santa Claus. Part of Sega's strategy was to employ a multi-pronged marketing technique, including video games, television shows, toys and contests. Chris followed all of these closely and in a fateful moment became the winner of the [[Sonic Watch and Win Sweepstakes]], which cemented Sonic's place of honor in Chris's mind. Sonic became Chris's "lifelong hero," replacing his previous "lifelong hero" [[The Adventures of The American Rabbit|The American Rabbit]] (despite Sonic's much greater grip on his life, Chris has often felt compelled to mention the American Rabbit, as if out of some obligation). While Sonic was certainly a popular franchise, particularly in the 1990s, Chris became obsessed with the hedgehog to a level likely unanticipated by Sega. During the 1990s Sonic occupied nearly all of his thinking, serving as a fantasy world in which he could escape from the realities of daily life. Chris would generally combine Sonic with whatever he was doing, whether it was replacing the characters in Goosebumps books with Sonic characters or combining [[Bionic|Sonic with basketball to form the recolor "Bionic]]." Over the past two decades Chris has purchased nearly every Sonic-branded game, toy, and bit of merchandise, and seems to view Sonic as something like an old personal friend.

Instead of growing up and moving on when the Sonic brand began to grow stale at the end of the 1990s, Chris merged Sonic with his other beloved franchise at the time, [[Pokemon]], to create [[Sonichu]], who has largely replaced Sonic as the primary character in his internal fantasy world - although Sonic still makes occasional cameo appearances.

Despite Sonic's sidekick Tails' major presence in Sonic media, Chris rarely refers to him and conspicuously left him, or any recolor of him or two-tailed anything, absent from ''Sonichu.'' Some have speculated that this may be due to popular schoolyard rumors that conjectured that Sonic and Tails were in a homosexual relationship. Chris's notorious [[homos|homophobia]] may have caused him to have an aversion to a character that he imagined might have tempted Sonic from "the straight path."

Although Mario and Nintendo were vicious rivals of Sonic and Sega, Chris seems to have been largely oblivious to this tension and never subjected them to the kind of hatred he would aim at rivals of his favored products later in his life.

==[[PS3|Playstation 3]] vs. [[HEXBox]]==
[[Image:KillThatHexBawx.jpg|thumb|left|Violence is never the answer.]]
[[Image:cwcps3_by_nevermonkey-d4jrnny.jpg|thumb|right]]
{{quote|Sony's Playstation 3 and Playstation Portable are Truly a place I can call My Digital Home. :D Happy Anniversary, Playstation 3; you are Truly the Best Life Upgrade Ever|[[PS3 History Level|Chris expressing TRUE and HONEST love.]]}}
Perhaps Chris's best known case of brand loyalty is his sycophantic love of the [[PS3|Sony PlayStation 3]] and abject hatred for the [[HEXBox|Microsoft XBox 360]]. While fanboyism for these video game consoles is certainly well known and the rivalry between these products was referred to as a "console war," Chris, as he frequently does, took it to a new level, irrationally hating the Xbox 360 and heaping love and money on Sony. Chris was obsessed with the PS3 long before he was able to purchase one, stating that he would throw out the cure for autism for the $600 hunk of black plastic <ref>[[Pixelated PS3]]</ref>. When he finally bought a PS3, after failing to [[Pixelated PS3|win it in a contest]], he considered it to be the "ultimate life upgrade." The PS3 and its online component the [[PSN]], where he has spent thousands of dollars, became an extremely important part of every day for Chris. He would also use his limited budget to purchase numerous Sony branded accessories, including a flat-screen TV, a [[PSEye]], PSmove, PSmove Sharpshooter and multiple [[Guitar Hero]] controllers. Chris seems to find more pleasure in the purchasing of PS3 content than in its actual use. He frequently buys downloadable content for games he does not own. Chris seems to consider the PS3 and its games and accessories to be a genuine life improvement or something akin to investments rather than a glorified hugbox; how these electronic gizmos do anything but distract him from reality remains unclear. Chris went to great lengths to express his distaste for the PS3's primary rival: the Xbox 360, or "HEXbox" as he liked to call it. When Chris would propose a videogame such as [[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles]], he would make sure to state that it would be for all consoles... HEXbox excepted. Chris went as far as defacing in-store advertisements for the Xbox while yelling "kick that hex-bawx" <ref>August 2010</ref> and frequently lashing out at those who appeared to like or be affiliated with the Xbox.

Chris's reasons for hating the Xbox 360 have never been clearly defined. When pressed for answers, Chris would generally cite Xbox Live's (Xbox's online component) cost or the infamous "[[Wikipedia:Red_ring_of_death#.22General_Hardware_Failure.22_errors|red ring of death]]" <ref>[[Mailbag 5]]</ref>. He would later admit that his anger stemmed from jealousy over being unable to afford an original Xbox and that the aforementioned reasons were merely excuses<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 14]]</ref>. Though he later softened his stance against the Xbox under the influence of [[Jackie]], the rivalry between the consoles and Chris's loyalty towards Sony was at its peak during the height of Chris trolling. This caused his hatred to become well known and the Xbox 360 to become a bit of a mascot for trolls. Chris also associated the Xbox with trolls, depicting [[Asperchu|Alec Benson Leary]] as an Xbox user. Even though he has recanted much of his hatred towards the XBox 360, he has not made the choice to purchase one, despite spending the vast majority of his money on video games.

Ironically, Chris once felt similar hatred towards the Sony Playstation 1 and 2, which were at that time rivals to his beloved Nintendo 64 and GameCube respectively. His hatred for Sony and its gaming products, described by Chris as equal to his contemporary hatred of Microsoft, evaporated when he purchased a Playstation 1 at an SPCA rummage sale for a "bargain." He intended to sell it for profit, but instead played it and found it to be enjoyable. Instead of learning from this, discovering that rival consoles can be equally enjoyable, Chris simply became a [[Sony]] fanboy (in addition to a [[Nintendo]] fanboy) and began hating Microsoft.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 14]]</ref>
{{clear}}

==[[Autism]] vs. [[Asperger syndrome|Asperger's]]==
{{quote|Competing Retards|[[Mailbag 19|The first words that comes to Chris's mind when he thinks of Asperger's syndrome]]}}
Chris extends his loyalty to brands far outside the normal realms of products and services and into the world of mental abnormality. He is extremely loyal to his diagnosis of autism, swearing by "my autism" multiple times and considering it to be an integral part of his identity, despite having serious difficulty grasping how the condition affects his ability to function. Just as with the PS3 and Xbox 360, Chris has identified a rival to autism in Asperger's syndrome. This is a classic case of Chris's propensity to choose one "brand" over another despite the fact that they are identical; Chris's "high-functioning" autism and Asperger's are essentially the same diagnoses. Chris feels that people with Asperger's are trying to "steal his limelight" and in fact stated that the name of the disorder, beyond merely sounding like "a bad cut of meat," brought to mind "competing retards." He seems to believe that people with Asperger's syndrome are somehow faking their symptoms.

Chris's loyalty to autism and insistence on believing it to be different from Asperger's syndrome, forces him to ignore any kind of reason. Initially his unusual feelings on the matter where unknown and he was able to blissfully hold onto his ignorance unopposed, but when they were discovered and the outside world pushed him on the issue he displayed a stunning slide towards the grossly irrational. Initially when confronted by "fans" in the [[mailbag]], Chris claimed, while pointing to the Wikipedia articles on the topic, that the two where differentiated by the age of onset (which is complete nonsense), but quickly decided that his "mind was closed" to the matter and refused to answer any more questions on the topic. When pushed further by [[Vivian G]], Chris went as far as to say that he was willing "[[Chris and reality|live this lie than believe that truth]]."

==[[Harry Potter]] vs. [[Pokémon]]==

[[Image:100-DarkCWC.jpg|thumb|right|Chris expressing his hatred for "that spaz" the only way he knows how... in Pokemon form.]]
{{quote|He dared compete against Pok'emon, PLUS he is a total Spaz, and I just do not care for him at all.|[[Mailbag 7|Chris]]}}
Although this is not seen as a traditional rivalry by the rest of world, Chris has a strong dislike of the boy wizard Harry Potter because he perceives him to be a threat to the Pokemon franchise. Chris calls him a "total spaz"<ref>[[Mailbag 7|Mailbag #7]]</ref> and at one point even [[Death threats|''threatened to kill'']] [[Chris and reality|the fictional character]].<ref>[http://www.cogsdev.org/w/images/e/ea/100-DarkCWC.jpg "Dark Christian" card from [[Wall of Originals]].]</ref> His hatred appears to stem from Chris's perception that a brand was once again "stealing the limelight" from something he identified with, in this case Pokemon. When Harry Potter and Pokemon were released at roughly the same time while Chris was in high school. While Pokemon was aimed at younger children, Harry Potter targeted a slightly older, more literate demographic. To Chris, the choice was obvious.

In later years Chris softened his stance on Harry Potter and at the request of [[Jackie]], he [[I put on my Wizard's cloak and magic hat|dressed up as a wizard and made reference to Harry Potter]].

==[[Nintendo]]==
{{quote|Listen People of Nintendo, DURING MY LIFETIME, my family and I have [[Chris and money|invested]] THOUSANDS of American Dollars and Cents in Nintendo Video Games and Systems from NES and Game Boy to Gamecube/Wii and DS/GBA.|[[Miyamoto_Saga#Chris's Inspiration|Chris, expecting his loyalty to Nintendo to be repaid.]]}}
Chris has been a lifelong fan of Nintendo products, and although his love of Sonic prevented him from becoming obsessed with Mario, Chris has owned nearly every Nintendo console and handheld since the NES (there have been no signs of the infamous Virtual Boy). His relationship with Nintendo and his interactions with [[Shigeru Miyamoto]], who he believed was interested in producing a Sonichu game, displays Chris's odd understanding of consumer/corporate relations. It appears that Chris believed that his loyalty to various corporate interests would be recognized and returned in a reciprocal fashion, as he listed his multitude of Nintendo purchases in an attempt to convince the game developer to work with him<ref>Miyamoto emails</ref>.

==Sexuality==
{{quote|I am straight; do not label me otherwise. I would rather suffer a painful [[Tomgirl|gender-change operation]] than ever be a [[homo]].|[[Sonichu #9|Chris demonstrating proper use of a semicolon.]]}}
{{quote|Also, I Swear as God and Jesus as my Witnesses, [[Virgin#No_longer_a_virgin_.28no_word_on_the_rage.29|THE FIRST TIME]], and maybe the second time as well, I HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN, I WILL Video Record the Whole Thing and Upload it onto RedTube, so FINALLY PEOPLE can SEE what should have been seen almost a Decade Ago.|[[ChrisChanSonichu_and_WikiSysop_correspondence#The_Introduction_Image_Space_is_NOT_Ad_Space_.28CCS.29|Chris discussing his plans for his first time with his webmaster.]]}}
Chris's allegiance to heterosexuality and hatred for homosexuality could be seen as a form of warped brand loyalty. To Chris, heterosexual love is the most pure joyous expression of emotion that can be experienced, the search for which is the noblest of quests. Its opposite- homosexual love- on the other hand, is a warped dangerous temptation and those who practice it are worthy of scorn. Chris has even forgone platonic same-sex friendships in an effort to avoid any possibility that he might associate with and be tempted by a homosexual. Just as with his hatred for the XBox, Chris is completely closed minded when it comes to evaluating homosexuality; to him it is the enemy and the mere thought of it makes him blind with rage. Despite his efforts at finding heterosexual love, Chris seems more concerned with insuring that he is properly labeled as a STRAIGHT man. His efforts to prove to the world that he is in fact not a homo include going as far as planning to record and publicize his first heterosexual experience against the wishes of his hypothetical partner. Whether Chris's hatred for homosexual stems from jealousy, as it did with his hatred for the XBox, is unknown.

The origin of this loyalty can be traced back to his childhood: [[Bob Chandler]], being a not-so-nice Southern gentleman, not only disliked homosexuals in the traditional bigoted manner, but suffered from frequent paranoid delusions regarding their role in his life. When Chris ran into trouble at [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]] Bob blamed the problems not only on the principal (who he was certain was a homosexual), but on the school board which, for reasons left unclear, he believed to be stacked with homosexuals who despised his family. Even the incredibly [[naive]] Christian was capable of seeing that this was, at the very least, an exaggeration, if not a paranoid persecution fantasy<ref>Chris, on IRC, circa 21 January 2009.</ref>. Nevertheless this kind of hatred and paranoia sunk into Chris's mind and was compounded by Bob's unfounded and bizarre belief that Chris's trolling originated with several homosexuals who he believed frequented [[the GAMe PLACe]].

Chris's feelings on lesbianism are more nuanced. While he still feels the Biblical injunction against same-sex coupling applies, scissoring is just too hot for him to condemn.

==[[Axe]]==
{{quote|I respectfully and humbly request that on the package a statement li—such as "DESIGNED ONLY FOR STRAIGHT ORIENTED MEN"|[[CWC Address to Unilever About AXE|Chris]]}}
Chris's loyalty to this multinational deodorant brand (called Lynx in the UK) is a classic example of Chris taking advertising literally. Early commercials for the deodorant depicted women throwing themselves at men in a manner reminiscent of Chris's desire for women to approach him in public. Rather than seeing this as hyperbole, Chris seems to believe that the product may have this effect in reality. Obviously Axe has never worked as advertised for Chris, but he has maintained his status as a loyal customer for many years.

Axe is also an example of how Chris considers the products he buys an integral component of his identity. As a loyal Axe customer, he was deeply disturbed when he was told that Axe was popular in the gay community, and he felt the need to use [[Youtube]] to [[CWC Address to Unilever About AXE|request that the Unilever Corporation]] use labels to specifically forbid homosexuals from using their products.

==[[McDonald's]] vs. [[Burger King]]==
{{quote|Tea for a dollar, in a Large Cup, at McDonalds; go Dollar-Menuaires!|[[IRC (24 October 2008)|Chris, plugging his favorite restaurant to the trolls.]]}}
[[Image:Burgerking.jpg|thumb|left|[[Chris and cinematography|An example of Chris's brilliant camerawork]]]]
Chris is a lifelong acolyte of McDonald's and thus dislikes its main competitor, Burger King. McDonald's is a major component of Chris's life. He eats a significant percentage of his meals at the popular fast-food restaurant, considers it the perfect location for a first date, and features it as a location in several issues of Sonichu. One of his most cherished and sickening fantasies involves having sex with his sweetheart in the handicapped bathroom of the local McDonald's. Chris has little love for Burger King, although he certainly never mentioned refusing to eat the food when dragged there by his father, who preferred it to McDonald's (Bob and Chris apparently did have some dispute about coupons with the manager of their local Burger King, resulting in Chris's bizarre attempt to get his trolls to troll her by creating an article on the CWCki). Chris has never mentioned having any strong positive or negative feelings toward the Wendy's chain before his brief stint as an employee, and seems not to hold animosity toward the chain as a whole despite being fired from his local store after three days.

Some time in 2012 Chris seems to have turned on McDonald's, urging people to avoid the Forest Lakes location as he believes he has been discriminated against due to his autism and foul mouth. But in [[2013]], he plugged it on [[Facebook]]: ''Eat Healthy with Premium McWraps, Apple Slices and Tea.'' (Note that McWraps contain up to 620 calories, and the tea 220. And even the apple slices have been found to be [http://jezebel.com/5934390/mcdonaldss-apple-slices-recalled-because-theyre-crawling-with-disease crawling with ''Listeria''].)

==Coke and Pepsi==
Surprisingly, Chris does not appear to have a specific long-term loyalty in this classic example of a nonexistent choice. He has been known to drink both, but claims that Sonichu drinks only [[CWC Cola]], a variant of Pepsi with a [[Semen|special ingredient]]. At one point he supported a boycott of Pepsi due to its alleged "gay-friendliness." He has been known to hoard My Coke Rewards points; in the Ivy Q&A, Ivy describes his becoming miffed at having to use his points to buy a different version of a song he already owned to fulfill Ivy's request for a video. One might think that a few points are a trifling thing when sweet, sweet [[china]] is the potential reward, but then one probably isn't Chris.
==References==
<references/>
{{Chris and}}

Chris and the industry

2013-07-22T18:34:35Z

Hemlock: /* Other publication channels */

{{incomplete}}
{{quote|----When Do You Want [[Nintendo]] and [[SEGA]] to Talk to Me to EVOLVE [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] more Realistically?----
NOW!!!|Chris, [[An Important Update|demanding that multinational corporations take orders from a nobody]]}}

Chris has had numerous '''aspirations to work in creative industries'''. So far, he has expressed his desire to make [[Sonichu (game)|several official ''Sonichu'' video games]], and work on a real [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comic]] for a real comic publisher. However, [[Chris and his Ego|for reasons best known to himself]], he elects not to find out how these industries actually work, which is quite strange; one would assume that a person seeking a career in the industries would at least take ''some'' effort to find out how the said industries work.

== Publishing ==

In ''[[The Sonichu Chronicles]]'' and [[Chris's resume|Chris's résumé]], it's revealed that Chris is under the impression that his [[art]] isn't just good, but professional quality, and that he aspires to get into the comics and video game business. The résumé reveals his widely varied skills with both pens and crayons and his desire to work as an artist for a professional comic company such as [[Wikipedia:Archie Comics|Archie Comics]] or [[Wikipedia:Marvel Comics|Marvel]], creating his ''Sonichu'' comics. There is no word on whether or not he actually submitted anything to these companies, or if they replied.

Unfortunately for Chris, the publishing industry doesn't work this way, especially not in case of "original" creations. In the case of an original work, the publishers expect complete works to be submitted to them, usually through an agent. An agent's job is to separate the [[Asperchu|wheat]] from the [[Sonichu (comic)|chaff]] and find the correct publisher for the work, taking a small percentage of the eventual profit for their reward. If the publishers take unsolicited submissions, they have to sift through a gigantic backlog (often called "slushpile") of submissions of highly varying quality, most of which end up rejected multiple times before there will be a publisher with right market in mind and the right publication schedule to allow the publication deal to go forward. The whole process can take years in case of a single work.

If comic book publishers have salaried artists, they usually need to have a portfolio of previous work, usually work that has already been published commercially, or (if the comic house is ''particularly'' lenient, and most big names aren't) there has to be evidence of a successfully self-published, high-quality comic. And even in this case, these artists usually only work on characters and plotlines that come from inside the house; it can take time before the artist is in any position to present their own ideas for comics, or use their own original characters. Even if he ''were'' able to stick in a company for a long time, he'd still need to improve his communication skills a lot. If the ''[[Sonichu Chronicles]]'' PowerPoint and various phone conversations are of any indication, he's unable to persuade his superiors that his ideas are worth working on.

In short, Chris is deluded if he thinks that any company will just pick him up and tell him to work on ''Sonichu'' comics.

Even if Chris does get in, there's also the problem with scheduling. Most comics are worked on far in advance, thus allowing for any changes concerning a book, such as plot problems, character availability changes or even cancellations. Even so, many of them maintain a certain schedule, either monthly or bi-monthly (sometimes quarterly). Very rarely do comics go bi-weekly (one every two weeks), though weekly series have been more common ([[Wikipedia:DC Comics|DC Comics]], for example, experimented with the weekly format in the [[1980s]] with ''[[Wikipedia:Action_Comics#Action_Comics_Weekly|Action Comics Weekly]]'', which bombed and put the title on hiatus for a few months, returning it to its normal ''[[Wikipedia:Action Comics|Action Comics]]'' title. Twenty years later, DC has churned out a number of weekly series, including ''[[Wikipedia:52 (comics)|52]]'', ''Countdown'' and ''[[Wikipedia:Trinity (comic book)|Trinity]]''.)

Chris, however, has no schedule. His schedule consists of "whenever he has the inspiration" to work. That doesn't cut it. If Chris went with that alone, he would have a release schedule that would rival that of infamous artist [[Wikipedia:Rob Liefeld|Rob Liefeld]]. And where Liefeld, for the most part, could get away with it because he owned his own company at one point (and people have gotten him to actually do the work), if Chris pulled this kind of stunt, he'd be out on the street so fast, his head would spin.

Chris's understanding of [[Chris and copyright|copyright]] is a chapter in itself. Publishers want primarily original works, because securing the necessary rights to publish derivative works is often difficult or impossible. Chris has even resisted attempts to educate him in this regard.<ref>[[Mailbag 29]]</ref>

== Fan fiction and ideas from the public ==
Chris could approach [[Sega]] and [[Nintendo]] and ask them to make ''Sonichu'' games, comics and merchandise. This plan would also be doomed to failure, because no media companies want unsolicited ideas from the public. There are several reasons for this.

First, it takes effort to sift through idea piles and they can't give equal amount of thought on the bazillion ideas fans send them. While the game companies ''do'' listen to their fans, they usually just want to know if the time is ripe for something they've been planning to do. (For example, no doubt a big part of the reason why the newer ''[[Wikipedia:Fire Emblem|Fire Emblem]]'' games got worldwide release was because the fans of [[Wikipedia:Marth (Fire Emblem)|Marth]] and [[Wikipedia:List of Fire Emblem: Fūin no Tsurugi characters#Roy|Roy]] from ''[[Wikipedia:Super Smash Bros. Melee|Super Smash Bros. Melee]]'' were wondering aloud "why the hell isn't [[Nintendo]] releasing these games outside of Japan?") They most certainly don't have the capability of starting a whole new game project just because someone asks. If the game companies respond by saying Chris had, as he himself so [[Homemade Nintendo Power magazine|eloquently put]], "rocks in his head", then you probably don't get a slice of their precious time for making a second impression. Simply put, Chris thinks that even when the companies aren't busy with other projects, they still have time to think of ''his'' grandiose ideas ''and those things only''.

Second, there is an age-old problem in a litigious society: A fan writes to the company and says "I have this cool idea", the company says "thanks, but no thanks", one of the in-house writers comes up with exactly the same idea by accident, and boom, you have a fan who's suing you for idea theft, and even if that lawsuit will usually go nowhere, it wastes perfectly usable time, energy and most of all ''money'' that could be used for more fruitful ventures. A famous example is British novelist [[Wikipedia:Terry Pratchett|Terry Pratchett]], who used to post in his Usenet fan group until one of the fans was convinced Terry had stolen his ideas.

Therefore, most media houses will just say they will not take any ideas from the public. The game industry is not an exception. This fact has been pointed out to Chris a lot of times (and at least twice by real Nintendo representatives, as evidenced by the letters he has read in the Captain's Logs<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate August 15th, 2008]]</ref><ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate February 10th, 2009]]</ref>). Unfortunately, Chris misinterpreted all this.

Another thing that Chris disregards is the fact that writing games takes a lot of effort. In [[Wikipedia:Thomas Edison|Thomas Edison]]'s words, getting things done is "1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." Many good ideas don't get implemented. No one is going to invest energy in developing an idea alone if they don't know if the idea can be implemented. Game companies may be willing to negotiate a deal to use their properties (such as characters) in games developed by third parties, but those proposals are usually backed up by real companies, actual creative teams of developers, and serious, complete plans for games, if not outright working prototypes already. Even in the case the properties are tacked on the prototype later on, the prototypes are usually fully developed so that they can be used ''without'' those properties if the plans fall through. (Example: ''[[Wikipedia:Star Fox Adventures|Star Fox Adventures]]'' began as a game that was completely unrelated to Star Fox universe, but Nintendo felt the game was better with SF characters.)

Theoretically, it would be possible, though highly unlikely, for Sega and Nintendo to cooperate enough the make a game featuring a Sonic/Pikachu hybrid named Sonichu. They would not, however, need any input from Chris, or even his permission, to combine characters that ''they'' own. Think about it. Of course, the idea of releasing it cross-platform for ''Sony consoles'' remains yet another absurd and fevered dream on the part of Chris.

In the Sonichu Chronicles he gives [[Shigeru Miyamoto]] "permission" to use the cover to his [[hand-drawn Nintendo Power magazine|hand-drawn ''Nintendo Power'' magazine]] as the inevitable cover for when his game is created, even though it's several years old (and, in fact, even ''worse'' than Chris's current skill at art).

== Other publication channels ==

Chris hasn't even tried any self-publishing channels. The idea has only recently been addressed, with [[Clyde Cash]] posting Chris's comics on [[Wikipedia:Lulu (company)|Lulu.com]]. Chris so far has only responded by encouraging his [[fans]] not to buy them, and to simply wait for him to release the "real" versions later. According to [[Jackie e-mails Part 2]], Chris has been fixing up his pages to be published on Lulu, taking an unreasonable amount of time to accomplish this amazingly simple task.

The thought of monetizing his web comic hasn't crossed his mind either. People have been annoying – nay, ''harassing'' him with advertising he didn't approve of, yet when he attempted to replace these offensive ads with ads of his own, he simply put some random advertisements on his webpage ''without actually signing any sort of advertisement contract'' — the ads didn't make him any money. There are several advertising programs that allow individual people to put ads on their personal pages and make money out of them; some of these programs are even specifically geared toward webcomic artists. Many web comics have a donation box where readers can donate money to the artist via PayPal or similar services.

It also took a while for Chris to come up with the idea of drawing on-camera, and even then, he hasn't demonstrated it too often.

== Schedule slip ==
Most webcomics have a set schedule: some update weekly, some many times a week, some daily. Some webcomics update whenever the hell the artists get inspired enough to draw a comic, and probably reserve a whole forum for people who whine about lack of updates. Most webcomic artists that update the comic three times a week consider that schedule very demanding, and webcomics that update daily usually generate revenue of some sort (ads, donations, print versions, merchandise, what-have-you), allowing the artists treat their comics like a full-day job. These are called self-sufficient webcomics. (Examples: ''Penny Arcade'', ''xkcd'', ''Questionable Content'')

Chris has thoroughly embraced the point of view that the comic shouldn't have a set schedule and inspiration doesn't have a deadline... while ''also'' promising us that the comic would be updated daily. On 14 [[November 2009]], Chris promised that the comic would be updated daily, and he managed to fulfill this promise for a while. By the end of [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris was already placing author-substitutes in the story telling people to quit whining about the lack of updates. This is obviously not a question of punctuality, but [[Chris and hypocrisy|hypocrisy]]; Chris would avoid a lot of drama if he just admitted that there's no set schedule whatsoever after all. If one ''does'' consider this a question of punctuality, it doesn't look too good.

Chris also tends to update in spurts in an attempt to make up for missed days; this can range anywhere from three to twenty pages at a time. Most professional webcartoonists have a buffer of guest comics so that they can avoid this sort of thing, but the thought of doing so has apparently never entered Chris's [[autistic]] mind.

== Sources ==
<references/>

== See also ==
* [[Chris and copyright]]
* [[Chris's resume]]
* [[An Important Update]]
* ''[[The Sonichu Chronicles]]'', Chris's not-very-creative-pitch-like PowerPoint presentation
* [[CWC Personal Sonichu Presentation]], in which Chris likewise fails to sell a project idea
* [[Sonichu (game)|''Sonichu'' (game)]]

{{Chris and}}

Chris and English

2013-07-20T05:18:51Z

Hemlock: /* CWC-isms */

[[Image:Writing_guide.PNG|thumb|right|Chris has no idea what this is...]]
[[Image:Englishfordummies.jpg|thumb|right|...nor this.]]

{{quote|I No Socialize Online.|Chris's strangely appropriate [[PS3|PSN]] comment.}}

[[Chris]]'s '''[[Wikipedia:English language|English]] skills''', like most other things related to Chris, leave much to be desired. Much of this can be attributed to his [[autism]], which often results in awkward speech patterns.<ref>[http://www.teacch.com/info_primer.html]</ref> He spent years of his childhood mute, and took speech therapy classes at [[James Madison University]]. Strangely, his grasp of English actually appears to have grown weaker as he's become older. This is presumably due to his increased isolation.

==CWC-isms==
Chris has a tendency to make up his own words for things, then use them with reckless abandon while assuming whoever is reading will be able to understand [[autism|exactly what he means]]. As such, we get terms like "B-dog" and "[[noviophobia]]". He also tends to appropriate existing words, giving them new meanings based entirely on his own skewed logic. This is why, in Chris-speak, [[Semen|comeuppance]] isn't a fitting outcome for someone's deeds, and [[china]] isn't an [[Punchy Sonichu|Asian]] nation.

In the case of words like the definite article "da", Chris might be trying to make a pass at using slang to sound casual and relaxed, but instead, he ends up sounding like a marketing executive grasping desperately for credibility. Other famous [[CWC-isms]] like "[[tobacky]]", "[[niggos]]" and "[[gaybian]]" are the result of a different problem altogether: Chris is a manchild who can't even say out loud the names of objects or concepts which he finds repulsive. The use of these terms is a prime example of his immaturity.

These CWC-isms combine with his [[Speech impediment|existing speech problems]] and his accent to form an unholy trifecta that defines his speech. With the constant stream of half words and repetition, it is sometimes difficult to understand what exactly he is talking about.. Any resemblance to actual English is tenuous at best, the words he uses are English but the structure is far from proper. The fact that his vocabulary is a bit lacking only compounds the situation.

{{quote|if I could have it my way, I'd make it [[Chris and reality|illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe]]. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [''sic''] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls"|Chris, [[IRC (02 January 2009)]]}}

As you can see in the above quote, this abuse of language isn't limited to just the commonplace CWC-isms we've come to know and tolerate. "Instinctions" is a word Chris made up for this passage to sound fancy and smart, which only makes him look like he doesn't know the word "instances". Playing fast and loose with language just further decreases the impact of whatever Chris is trying to say. Also of note is that Chris wants to make it illegal to use a word a certain way, which is [[Chris and hypocrisy|hypocritical]], and — quite frankly — creepy.

His own lexicon, like many other aspects of his personality, demonstrates exactly [[Chris and his Ego|how self-centered he is]]. While the whole purpose of language is to express thoughts and ideas to other people, he has managed to turn vocabulary into a brick wall, by crafting a mashed-together lexicon that makes sense only to him.

==Written language==
Chris's writing is a complete mess from top to bottom, to put it lightly.

For starters, he doesn't understand basic syntax and semantics: he uses words in the wrong context, or as incorrect parts of speech, and his grammar is abhorrent. For example, he refers to [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|finger-banging]] as "outtercourse",<ref>[[Megan Emails, 2008#Chris thinks she was scarred because she doesn't know much about sex]]</ref> which incorrectly replaces the supposed prefix ''in-'' — which leaves ''tercourse'', which is not a word at all — while the correct prefix is ''inter-'', meaning "between". (Incidentally, "outercourse" is an actual colloquialism meaning [[wikipedia:Non-penetrative sex|dry-humping]], not fingering.) Similarly, [[Mailbag 52|the infamous stock reply used to address Mailbag entries]] includes "inputed" as the past participle of ''input''; the correct word is either ''input'' or ''inputted''.<ref>[[wiktionary:input]]</ref>

Chris misuses punctuation in many ways, often with, albeit unintentional, comedic results. In particular, he tends to add hyphens where they aren't needed, such as in his stock phrase "[[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]". Clearly he means that he wants to create a relationship from the "ground up", from a blank slate, from the simplest of beginnings. A literal interpretation, though, means he wants to create a girlfriend from something that's been ground up — ground chuck, ground pepper, what-have-you.

In addition, he is obviously afraid that whatever he's feeling won't be adequately conveyed through his words, and tries to make up for this by relying on repetition and a distinctive [[BILLY MAYS|ALL CAPS]] style, which could be compared to many comic books and graphic novels. For similar reasons, he tends to Capitalize Words At Random, Especially nouns and those which hold Importance to the Sentence, or the ones that address Important Abstract Concepts that Chris tries to Systematically Understand on account of finding them too Complex and Mystifying.

{{quote|And the ONLY REASON I have not had sex yet in my lifetime WITH A WOMAN yet, is because the WHOLE TIME, I have been SHY; kept down with the Personal Fear of nearly EVERY Woman I see being Already Paired-Up with a Boyfriend.|Chris proving that he never proofreads. From the CWCipedia article on [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Homosexuality homosexuality].}}

Beyond these basic issues of grammar and capitalization, Chris's writings often lack focus. Much like any six-year-old with ADD, he has trouble concentrating on a single topic for extended periods of time, and he instead veers off topic in order to babble about [[Random Access Humor|whatever is on his mind]]. This practice of writing stream-of-consciousness style, combined with his obvious disinterest in proofreading or otherwise checking over what he's written, inevitably results in a large number of confusing run-on sentences. A single sentence might cover multiple topics, often ones that don't have anything to do with the original subject matter. It gives his writing a rambling, disjointed feeling, and makes it very difficult to understand exactly what his point is. Related is his overuse of semicolons, which are usually used to connect two clauses together without a conjunction, but Chris uses to crudely string together two tangentially-related thoughts into a barely coherent sentence. Chris even uses the semicolon in dialogue where it would normally be considered improper.

{{quote|...while the Movie Women are "Just Characters", [[Rosechu]] is playing as her own "Character" as well. Also, there is MORE THAN ONE Rosechu; Why do you think I've dubbed them respectively "[[Bubbles Rosechu]]", "[[Angelica Rosechu]]", and recently introduced, "[[Lolisa Rosechu]]", of whom her Boyfriend, "[[Jamsta Sonichu]]", was the one who Interviewed [[Blanca]] and her [[Jiggliami]] on Radio Station, [[KCWC]].|Chris, somehow jumping from [[White knight e-mails#September 2008 — Chris denies being fat and sexist|movies not being reality]] to his [[KCWC|imaginary radio station]].}}

It doesn't help that Chris feels it's his obligation to be "[[Honest Content|honest]]", which means that he feels the need to mention irrelevant little details, as anything less would not mean he's not telling the whole truth.

===Spelling===
[[Image:Schu7_Pg1_MeganEdit.JPG|thumb|right|Chris had a chance to correct this spelling mistake during a [[retcon]] of [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], but instead proved he can't spell for shit.]]

One will notice with all the "''sic''" scattered around the CWCki, that Chris has trouble with simple spelling. Despite all the other problems with Chris's writing, his poor spelling somehow manages to stand out. He seems to have trouble with switching "eni" for "ein", as in "[[seinor prom|seinor]]" (senior) and "geinus" ([[Sonichu 1|genius]]). Sometimes, he seems to spell words phonetically like a grade-school child learning how to read, such as "characiture" (caricature), rather than taking a few seconds to spell-check them in any of the dozens of programs available that would automatically correct his spelling. To put the icing on the cake, he writes "rest assured" as "[[Twitter#17_July_2010|rest-assured]]" as if it were a hyphenated phrase and not an imperative statement.

It was only relatively recently discovered that the term [[Anchuent Prophecy|"Anchuent"]] is supposed to be a pun, and not just another one of Chris's random acts of butchery of the English language — or even a typo resulting from "u" and "i" being adjacent on the QWERTY keyboard. This largely goes to show that Chris's inability to spell correctly is so persistent that when he ''deliberately'' misspells something, it goes completely unnoticed for ''years''.

===Typos===
[[Image:Sonichu_Typos.jpg|thumb|left|More perfect spelling from mister Chandler.]]

The spelling problem is only compounded by Chris's constant typos. The very first page of the comic contains the word [[Sonichu 0|"mies"]] in place of "miles". And even when he edits pages that contain these mistakes and has a chance to fix them, he still manages to overlook his errors the second time around, like [[Sonichu 7|"dood"]] instead of "good" in issue seven.

The fact that these typos exists only goes to prove that [[ego|Chris does not bother to proofread his works even a single time after completion]] and prior to uploading them to the internet. And assuming that he has to read his own comic sooner or later, and that someone '''must''' have drawn his attention to these mistakes at some point, the only logical conclusion is that Chris can not be asked to go back and fix these typos even when he is aware of them.

===Definitions and Vocabulary===
Chris has a very bad habit of not knowing what the fuck he's talking about, and vocabulary is one of them. Chris still believes the word [[Naïve|Naïve]] means stupid, and thus hates being called it. Naïve, in simple terms, means "ignorance or gullibility because of a lack of experience". Chris is the definition of this because he doesn't do anything, and because of that he's gullible and ignorant. Another word Chris throws around is slander. Chris constantly calls his [[ED]] page and [[CWCki]] slanderous. Slander is defamation. Defamation is the destruction of reputation or character through manipulation and lies of video, photographic, and audio evidence. Libel is like slander, but is defamation through writing. There's two things wrong with Chris' use of slander. His ED page and CWCki is more written than video, photographs and audio, so if it was anything it would be libel. The other is that ED and CWCki isn't slander or libel, because nothing is manipulated and everything on them is true, and backed up with physical evidence, provided by him.

Related to choice of vocabulary, Chris has an issue with using terms that, while technically meaning similar things, have different tones. This is perhaps most evident in [[Sonichu 10]], where Chris uses the term "bearing false witness" multiple times. In the context Chris uses the term, he's simply using it as an alternate way of saying "lying" or "misrepresenting", as the Biblical term is often simplified when explaining the ten commandments to children. Chris fails to realize that the term is more or less exclusively associated with the Bible and using it when discussing himself makes the characters sound like they're referring to Chris as their god, with all the unfortunate implications. Likewise, the Asperchu characters claim to have been forced to "make a false idol of the brown-shirted one" even though in Asperchu, the protagonists merely respect their creator, rather then worship him. Again, the use of Biblical terminology makes the whole thing seem even more narcissistic.

===Repetition===
Chris frequently repeats himself verbatim. This is most apparent in his [[Attraction Sign]] but has cropped up in numerous other places. He frequently describes his ideal girl as a "[[boyfriend-free girl]] to make into a [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]." This rather clunky phrasing is repeated in almost every iteration of the sign, both online and off. He asserts that his idea of "[[Dating Education|Date ed]]" sounds "[[Sonichu 9|dated]]" on several occasions, and has repeatedly blamed the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]] for his woes. This repetition is not limited to his written communication; for example, he has often described his [[Bob Chandler|father]] as "starting more arguments than flies in a garbage dump," most recently in his [[Father Call|phone conversation with Kacey's father]].

Clearly, something about these exact phrases causes Chris to reuse them over and over, verbatim, when describing the same problem in different conversations and contexts. It's tempting to just blame his [[autism]] for this repetition, which is likely a factor; however, much like his life in general, not all of his failures at communication can be laid at the door of his autism — other possibilities include that:
* Chris struggles to form sentences, and when he does so successfully, he tends to reuse what he knows is a working formula.
* Chris thinks his peculiar constructions are [[Random-access humor|funny]] and uses them to get a laugh, much like his [[Christian's sex joke|one joke]].
* Chris is so lazy that he literally copy/pastes text (or simply copies in the case of non-digital media) from his earlier screeds and manifestos into his new ones.
* Chris is simply so [[Things Chris has ripped off|terminally unimaginative]] that he cannot think of more than one way to express a given idea.
Given what we know about Chris, any or all of the above are possibilities. A large number of the phrases that are collectively known as "[[CWC-isms]]" follow the above pattern.

====Piecemeal language use====
Chris's phrase usage is a deep-seated issue, to the point that it's almost possible to imagine that he copies his phrases from ''somewhere'', even when he hasn't used the phrase previously. People usually learn idioms from other people when they hear them in an appropriate context, but though Chris may experience such a context, he has problems fully understanding the meaning of the phrase. Like most of us, he has obviously learned some phrases from the world around him, and he ''sort-of'' understands what they mean and ''sort of'' uses them in correct context. Despite this, it's as if he just learned the phrases, and, like some foreign English student, is making the first awkward steps towards using them properly. Unlike those curious foreigners, however, Chris isn't worried about getting punched in the face by the natives for abusing beloved idioms.

To an outside observer, many of Chris's phrases almost always appear out of place and tacked-on. This can manifest itself in even very small examples, such as in the video title "[[New Address]]"; the video isn't about any sort of an address change, as the phrase was intended to imply, but rather is an ''address'' to a specific individual, and is ''newly released''. It is akin to a foreigner opening a phrase book, finding the entry "New Address", and saying "OK, that's probably close enough - it's got 'new' and 'address' in it."

For more blatant examples, in the [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails]], Chris continually demands "Legal, Unmark[ed], Non-consecutive" bills to be mailed to him. He probably thinks it's the sort of thing people ''generally'' say when they want cash mailed to them, without realizing that he has picked this expression up from crime fiction where that kind of phrase is said as part of a ransom demand. Also, when listing a hunk-of-shit TV on [[Craigslist]], he demands "CASH ONLY, And Up-Front. $250 or better offer; NO HAGGLE." which doesn't apply at all to something like an old TV, and directly contradicts his very own offer. "No haggle" or a "better offer"; it's clear he has no clue what "haggle" really even means. He most likely picked up the jargon from other entries on the site.<ref>See, for example, the note in ''The Big Lebowski'': "WE HAVE BUNNY. GATHER ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED NON-CONSECUTIVE TWENTIES. AWAIT INSTRUCTIONS. NO FUNNY STUFF."</ref>

==Semantics==
As demonstrated in CWC-isms above, Chris has severe problems understanding the meanings of words (he described the word "benevolent" as sounding "derogatory"<ref>[[Mailbag 5|Mailbag #5]]</ref> — he might have mixed it up with "belligerent", which means "war-like", or "malevolent", an antonym of "benevolent"), and just about anything even marginally abstract or metaphorical. A Facebook status reveals that, through unknown means, he has come to believe that "empirical" means "rejecting scientific methods of knowing," which is as nearly opposite to the word's meaning as one can get. (Since his source for this is listed as Jeremy Hilary Boob, Ph.D., a character in Yellow Submarine, perhaps this odd idea came from content in the Beatles edition of Rock Band.)

===Muddled-up Proverbs===
A good demonstration of Chris's lack of understanding of semantics is the fact that he doesn't really understand proverbs and adages; he frequently recites them incorrectly, clearly misses the point, or [[Autism|takes them literally]]. When he comes up with his own, he doesn't exactly try to veil any wisdom in carefully crafted phrases.

Examples of Chrisverbial Wisdom:

* "Those who are unable to, teach."<ref>[[Mumble 4|Mumble #4]]</ref>
* "The shaped OBJECT is the BODY of the Item, but the STICKER is the Item's SOUL."<ref>[[Download For Play Only]]</ref>
* "A sound thought is a good thought, unless it is a bad idea."<ref>[[CWCipedia]]</ref>
* "The pen is mightier than the sword, yet it is more permanent than a pencil."<ref>[[CWCipedia]]</ref>

The last example illustrates several problems: "The pen is mightier than the sword" (a phrase originally coined by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the man who also coined the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night") is, of course, generally regarded as a statement that words can have bigger consequences than violence. Chris doesn't understand this, and tries to somehow interpret this concretely: "pen is more permanent than a pencil." It is also problematic because normally, "A, yet B" is usually a statement by ''contrasts'': "A may be true, but a contrary example B is true as well." Still, Chris fails at explaining why it's so important that pens are more permanent than pencils, and what that has to do with pens and their relative might vis-a-vis swords — the meaning of Chris's proverb remains unclear. He cannot even create simple proverbs like
* "One who has his dick in the peanut butter jar is fucking nuts."

===Literal Interpretation===
Chris is unable to interpret the language other people use at any level other than its literal, surface meaning. He misses the deeper meanings of what others are trying to say to him, and cannot interpret abstract thought or sarcasm. This is known as concrete thought, which can be seen as a symptom of autism.

====Rhetorical comparisons and sarcasm====
Chris cannot interpret rhetorical comparisons. He ignores the point the speaker is trying to make and focuses on the 'exact' meaning of the phrases they use. Examples:<ref>[[Father Call]]</ref>

: '''Kacey's Father:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.
: '''Chris:''' Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!
: …
: '''Kacey's Father:''' I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a Windows is.
: '''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?
: '''Kacey's Father:''' Don't… Don't patronize me.
: '''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?
: '''Kacey's Father:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that.

In the first example, Chris clearly only hears "You[…] stuff candy down your throat" and interprets the negative tone as an accusation that this is a bad thing, then tries to prove that he does not, in fact, stuff ''candy'' down his throat — just good stuff like vegetables. Because he's threatened, he forgets that this is used as a ''rhetorical comparison'', and thus the original point that the Dad here was trying to make gets lost in sands of time. This is also one of the reasons why conversations with Chris sometimes branch out, lead nowhere, and cause frustration and tears (and tears of mirth for everyone but the two people who are conversing at the time).

As the quote read in [[04232010 - Autism Awareness & Men Should NEVER be Topless|Autism Awareness]] video says, autistic people are frequently unable to interpret sarcasm. This is no exception for Chris, who has often been unable to pick up sarcastic comments, as seen in the Guru Larry interview.<ref>[[Chris-chan Discusses...]]</ref>

====Questions and suggestions====
Chris's literal interpretation also affects how he answers questions and follows orders or suggestions. He fails to elaborate any of his answers, and cannot distinguish the implied meanings within the commands and suggestions given to him from their literal meanings. For example:<ref>[[Mailbag 2#In-depth answers|Mailbag #2]]</ref>

: '''Q:''' Do you listen to any music while you draw the comics?
: '''A:''' Yes.

To a normal person, the question that was posed would be interpreted along the lines of "What kind of music — what bands, what musical genres — do you listen while you draw the comics, assuming you listen music at all while drawing the comics? If you listen to the music, why does this particular music help you draw things? If not, do you find music distracting, and why?" but instead, Chris interpreted "Do you listen to any music?" literally as a question that can be answered "yes" or "no". Simply put, he is unable to see ''why'' people are asking specific questions that can be answered yes or no, and unable to elaborate or give rationales for his opinions unless those things are ''specifically'' asked from him. Again, this characteristic is due to his autism, not, as is often perceived, his stupidity.

Another example:<ref>[[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8|Alec Benson Leary Phone Call #8]]</ref>
: '''Alec:''' Please stop running away from me.
: '''Chris:''' I'm not running away from you, I'm right here.

This was in response to Chris trying to end the call after an inconvenient discussion.

This also is likely to blame for Chris's second encounter with [[B-Manajerk]]. The previous day, the manager of the [[Wal-Mart]] had banned him from the store. Problem is, they were inside a [[McDonald's]] at the time, and he likely said something along the lines of "Never come to this store again." Chris took this to mean "You are banned from this specific store, the one you and I are standing in right now," and due to this misunderstanding he wound up being chased out of the Wal-Mart.

===Television jargon===
In the ''Sonichu'' comic, Chris also almost consistently uses television terminology instead of comics terminology. This seems to seep into his other language use, too — he urges people to "stay tuned" to see new developments in his [[YouTube]] channel, for example. This may seem innocuous at first, as regular people might use "stay tuned" in non-TV situations (and for cable/satellite TV stations, which do not have a transmission frequency), but in Chris's case, this may be an indication of a bigger issue. Chris refers to himself as "Great Director Chandler"<ref>[[Mailbag 34#...Well, this is disturbing!|Mailbag #34, to Evan]]</ref> (itself a ripoff of [[Excel Saga|Great Director Watanabe]]) and calls alternate versions of his comics "director's cuts".<ref>[[Quizzes#Sonichu Quiz 2|''Sonichu'' Quiz #2]]</ref> [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] begins with "Previously..." type of recap of the end of the previous comic. When talking about the comic, he consistently refers to "episodes" rather than chapters. He has used "TV-MA/TV-14/TV-Y7" ratings for certain scenes<ref>[[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]]</ref> and, when this self-imposed rating system later failed to work, he blamed FCC for the messed-up ratings,<ref>[[Mailbag 51#The recent explosion of pornography in TV-Y7 cartoons is not Chris's fault|Mailbag #51]]</ref> even though FCC has no authority over web or print media. He promised a second "season" of the comic — apparently a "reboot" will commence with a "clip show episode" in [[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]].<ref>[[Mailbag 51#A reboot is scheduled|Mailbag #51]]</ref> It is as if he's familiar with only one set of jargon that he then applies to all similar situations, ignoring the fact that most people speak of "comic writers" instead of "directors", "chapters" instead of "episodes", "volumes" instead of "seasons", rate their comics with some rating system that is probably similar to, but not an ''exact duplicate'' of the one used in television — and so on.

It is speculated that the use of jargon stems not from a limited vocabulary, but from Chris's belief that he is [[Chris and reality|actually directing a TV show.]]<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu Sonichu] on CWCipedia. "''For the sake of the Comic Pages, the marriage has been keep discreet during drawing, coloring and filimg[''sic''].''"</ref> More damningly, he once referred to the comics as an "anime", with himself as director.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_3/Page_9 Issue #3 Page 9]</ref>

===Other strange points===
Chris seems to cling to trademarks. In [[Mailbag 10|Mailbag #10]], for example, he specifically says a couple of times that he has saved material on his Memory Stick and Memory Stick Duo. Not "saved on memory card" or just "saved"; people generally don't care ''what'' you save your fanart on, as long as it's saved. Chris, however, wants to be specific: the fan material was saved on a Memory Stick Duo. In the exact same vein, in [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails]], he even swears with "hand on My Holy New International Version Bible right now," rather than just on ''any'' old Bible he might have had lying around. This can be explained, again, by Chris's [[autism]], where he is literally describing the specific device that he is using to save, not a generalization.

Chris seems to prefer referring to people using their full names; he almost always refers to himself as "Christian Weston Chandler" or, God forbid, "'Christopher' Christian 'Ricardo' Weston Chandler"— if he's feeling overly formal. This applies to other people, too; for example, in [[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts (CWCipedia page)|Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts]], he refers to most of the women by their full names. This is yet another autism-related trait.

==Spoken language==
[[Image:Choicevideos.PNG|thumb|300px|Chris's spoken vocabulary.]]
Chris comes off slightly better when speaking, although that's not really saying much. When he addresses the world in one of his many videos, his speech is peppered with vocalized pauses such as "uh", "hmm", and "yeah" as he struggles to find the right thing to say. He also [[Speech impediment|tends to stutter and repeat himself]].

{{quote|They should have given it perfect- they should have given it five out of five stars... and ten out of ten. Between G4... tee, uh, between G4 and, uh, the [[Wikipedia:Game Informer|Game Informer]].|Chris attempting to convince people that [[Brutal Legend Plus|''Brutal Legend'']] is worthy of a perfect score.}}

Chris does a better job staying on-topic when speaking than he does while writing, likely because when speaking to a camera or another person, he has a clearer idea of the point he wants to get across. Going off on rambling tangents still occasionally happens, but usually only when Chris is [[Random-access humor|trying to be funny]].

{{quote|...even to make his own ass bleed. I mean, that story, it's just about as incredibly fabricated as Donna Tubb's time over at when she had to borrow [[Wikipedia:R. Kelly|R. Kelly]]'s bathroom... [[The Cleveland Show]], new episodes Sun- every Sunday on FOX.|Chris [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 15th, 2009|confusing humor with advertising.]]}}

While Chris seems to be at least capable of coherent conversation while calm, things go downhill when he's [[Stress|upset]], [[Chris and Anger|enraged]], or [[Autism|confused]]. In particular, his tendency to throw childlike temper tantrums has resulted in some very bizarre outbursts. When angry, Chris still retains his tendency to go off on tangents and be very proper about compulsively giving all of the [[Honest Content|relevant information]], which means that he's often unable to sum his anger up in just a few succinct words.

{{quote|...SO GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN FUCKING SKULL AND CALL ME A REAL NAME THAT have God has been given to me and the bear at Regency Square Shopping center, during 1989, YOU DAMN MOCKING BASTARD!|Chris [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|inserting random details into a hissy fit.]]}}

Interestingly, comparisons of his vocal patterns offer one of the few signs of actual development that Chris has ever displayed. Consider his earliest videos; his speech was courtly and disjointed, and delivered almost exclusively in short, monotonous bursts:

<center>{{#ev:youtube|xkVhGLz8MKM}}</center>

There are exceptions to this, but these generally consisted of [[List of phrases Chris copied from media|short phrases apparently culled from TV]] (note the change in pitch in the above video when Chris describes himself as "ever so lonesome"). All in all, Chris displayed all the attributes one would expect from an autistic, as well as from someone who is completely unused to talking to people.

Comparisons with the present day show a marked change in Chris's manner of speech:

<center>{{#ev:youtube|akekECv9XCQ}}</center>

Chris may not sound any more naturalistic, but he does show more of a semantic range than he did two years ago. Clues as to why this has occurred can be found in the subject matter of the videos — Chris perhaps now has realized to some extent that he must engage with people on their terms in order to be taken seriously. While this may not be a massive change, it is still heartening to see that the trolling is stirring the emaciated hulk of his dignity into some sort of creaking action. Who knows? In another two years he may have acquired the vocal skills of a child of kindergarten age.

===Idiosyncrasies===
Chris also has a number of idiosyncrasies which appear frequently in his speech. First, the aforementioned disjointed speech patterns, which are broken up by a number of ideological phrases, which crop up with varying regularity but which sound very similar every time he uses them. Listen closely to the way he introduces himself; he is "Chrishinwessonchanler. From Ruckersville Vir-''gin''-ya." Whenever Chris introduces himself, he basically repeats this exact phonetic pattern, including pauses, the rushed and garbled name, and the staccato rhythm of "Virginia". This is of course explainable by his [[autism]], but it is also related to his [[Random Access Humor|sense of humor]], his [[parody|plagiarism]], and his desire for control over those whom he sees as oppressors.

It may also be related to the less often seen idiosyncrasy which causes him to express disgust with a word physically. For example, in the famous [[SingStar Challenge Round 5|"Smell Yo Duck"]] music video, Chris first avoided saying the word "dick" altogether, and when forced to repeat the video, showed signs of distress bordering on illness. While this is obviously an exaggeration of Chris's feelings, it is notable that he should feel any particular sensation about simple words whatsoever. This reaction raises the possibility that, so long as he is not faking it altogether, Chris may be a [[Wikipedia:Synesthesia|synaesthete]]. There's also the possibility that he has a strong association with a certain word and associates guilt with it, like a child hearing a curse word. Alternatively, it is not stating the ''word'' that is disgusting to Chris, but rather the ''substance'' of the phrase, as it implies that ''he himself'' is [[homos|"smelling someone's dick"]]. Despite this, Chris has no problem hurling curse words (including "dick") at his enemies when in a [[Chris and anger|fit of rage]].

==Chris and profanity==
: ''See also: [[Chris and censorship]]''

At some point in the 2000s, Chris became an enthusiastic user of profanity and vulgar language. According to [[Mimms]], in his early days at [[The GAMe PLACe]] Chris avoided cursing, at least in public, but in more recent years he's lost almost all compunctions in this regard. His videos, blogs, and public pronouncements are full of foul language and obscene references. This is possibly to seem more "adult".

He still holds back in some ways, though. In much of his writing, especially in his comics and on the [[CWCipedia]], Chris shows a strange inclination to censor himself. He regularly uses profanity in his blog entries and Mailbag responses, but the offending words are typically blotted out with asterisks: "D*** that Son Of A B****, Clyde Cash,"<ref>[[CWC Blog]], December 2009</ref> for instance, or "BUGS BUNNY WAS NAKED; YOGI BEAR WAS NAKED; WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?"<ref>[[Mailbag 39|Mailbag #39]]</ref> (On occasions he varies up his censorship style. [[CWC's Diary]] repeatedly refers to [[Mary Lee Walsh]] as an "XXXXX"; the Xes are clearly meant to stand in for "bitch".) Even relatively mild words such as "damn" and "crap" get the same treatment, which was exploited to hilarious effect in the [[audiobooks]].

It could be that Chris believes that most of the CWCipedia's audience is comparatively young, and therefore censors his outbursts to protect his imagined fanbase. Another, more complex theory proposes that it's a sign of Chris's stunted maturity level — he wants to use profanity to signify that he's an adult, but he retains a child's guilt and uncertainty about swearing. (The same theory is often floated regarding [http://encyclopediadramatica.ch/Daveykins David Gonterman], another angry Internet cartoonist with an incongruous tendency to censor himself.)

==See also==
* [[Speech Impediment]]
* [[Chris's resume]]
* [[The High School Story]]
* [[Chris and writing]]
* [[Spanish]]
* Anything written on [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Main_Page CWCipedia]

==Sources==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

2013

2013-07-03T21:07:58Z

Hemlock: /* July */

[[File:Facebook1.jpg|thumb|In '''2013''', Chris mourned his expulsion from [[The GAMe PLACe|Heaven]].]]
'''2013''' is the fifth year of organized trolling since Chris's discovery. However, like the [[2011|two]] [[2012|years]] before it, it began with nothing of note, ever since Chris began [[This is how the Trial went|serving out his sentence.]] It remains to be seen if this ordeal ''(which will end in July)'' will finally knock some sense into him, though judging from [[Red_Letter_CWC_Certified_Day|past experiences]], it seems pretty unlikely.

However, this year is still notable as being the year where Chris' ego would cause him to become alienated with the few people he has left as "friends" ''(namely, Anna and the congregation of his church)''. It even caused him to get chastised for his attention-whoring by a well-known voice actress from [[My Little Pony]] in April. With the death of Bob a couple of years ago and his once-enablers getting tired of his antics, Chris is headed down a road that many have tried and failed to warn him about - one where the number of people willing to tolerate him are getting fewer and fewer.

In May, an [http://imgur.com/a/1HYJJ Imgur account] of all of the Facebook posts made by Chris between 2012 and 2013 was revealed by Chris, shedding some light on what happened during Chris's radio silence since [[Bob_Chandler#Later_life_and_poor_health|the death of his father earlier in 2011]].

==January==
[[File:Mcdonalds.jpg|thumb|January sighting]]
*11 January 2013 - Chris changes his [[Facebook]] [[:File:Facebook1.jpg|picture]] [[:File:Facebook2.jpg|twice]] in one day.
*29 January 2013- Chris is spotted at local McDonald's.

==February==
*24 February 2013 - Chris [[Chris's birthday|turns 31]]

==March==
[[File:Chris march2013.jpg|thumb|Chris in March]]
*8 March 2013 - A photo of Chris in his tomgirl attire is featured on the fourth episode of [[Chris in the media#Failosophy|MTV's ''Failosophy'']].
*9 March 2013 - Chris goes to [http://madicon.org/ Madicon] held this year in Harrisonburg, VA. He's spotted by one of trolls, however no pictures are taken. On Facebook, he [[Facebook#Sonichu is not dead|insists]] that the ''Sonichu'' comic is not dead, despite two years without updates. He also [[:File:Failosophy.PNG|discovers]] that he was on MTV the previous day.
*28 March 2013 - Chris posts a public [[Facebook#Gay Marriage |Facebook message]] whining about repeat media coverage of the Supreme Court's [[:wikipedia:Hollingsworth v. Perry|Proposition 8]] and [[:wikipedia:United States v. Windsor|DOMA]] deliberations.
*30 March - An [[Other documents#Epistle to the Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|epistle]] from Chris to his [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] is leaked on the CWCki forums. In the document Chris announces that he will be no longer going to church for a period of time. Details about the deterioration of Chris's relationships with his fellow parishioners and church staff are also revealed.

==April==
[[File:Haters to the left.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Chris in April 2013.]]
*4 April 2013 - Chris posts a [[Facebook#Game Place|a new Facebook note]], in which he says he has no more interest in the [[The GAMe PLACe]].
*20 April 2013 - Chris uploads two new Facebook pictures. One of them depicts him holding a sign that reads "Haters to the Left," and points to the viewer's right in typical Chris fashion, while the other one shows him holding a different sign that declares him "[his] own free [[Homos|bitch]]."
*29 April 2013 - Chris posts two [[Facebook]] notes. In the [[Facebook#Sega Mascot Contest |first one]] he expresses his outrage at the news of Sega planning to replace [[Sonic]] as their mascot, not realizing that the news story he is responding to is a fictional one posted on a parody website. In the [[Facebook#"The Trolls Who Cry Woman"|second note]] he bemoans of how he has been trolled in the past by people pretending to be women.

==May==
[[File:Chris facebook pic 5-29-13.jpg|thumb|Chris in May 2013.]]
*4 May 2013- Somebody named [[Anna|"mormonjesus"]] drops in IRC what seems to be [[Emails#2013|email]] Chris sent to [[Kim]] on 1 May.
*6 May 2013 - More [http://www.mediafire.com/view/?y1pp1lop9wx6hdv emails between Chris and Jackie] are leaked on the CWCki forums.
*21 May 2013 - Chris posts up pictures of his iPhone and his broken iPod on his Facebook account, complete with a custom made duct-tape folder for them.
*21 May 2013 - Chris unveils his latest creation, the [[Idea Book Case|iDea Book Case]], via Facebook.
*26 May 2013 - [http://imgur.com/a/1HYJJ An Imgur account] of Chris's formerly hidden Facebook status updates is revealed....by Chris himself.
*29 May 2013 - Chris changes his Facebook profile picture to one featuring the return of the [[Parappa the Rapper|Parappa]] hat.
*31 May 2013 - The Nintendo-run website [[Flipnote Hatena]] shuts down. All flipnotes, including Chris's are no longer able to be shown. A troll let this site know a couple months earlier in order to save Chris's [[art]].

==June==
*5 June 2013 - Chris makes a new [[Facebook]] post, laments that he had more freedom when his father was still alive, and goes onto complain about how he has to take time out of his day to "serve and protect" [[Barb|his mother]].
*6 June 2013 - Chris starts playing Toro's Friend Network and the game is linked to [[Facebook]].
*7 June 2013 - Chris has made 20 friends in Toro's Friend Network according to his [[Facebook]] post. [http://i.imgur.com/EARZYtF.png (Link)]
*9 June 2013 -[[Anna]] posted on [[Facebook]] to Chris that she re-watched his [[DVD of Fail|DVD]] with her married friend. [http://i.imgur.com/lgxayJp.png (Link)]
*9 June 2013 - An [[Jackie E-mails 31|e-mail from Chris to Jackie]] on 7 [[September 2011]] was leaked on the [[CWCki Forums]], where Chris talked about his dream that according to the Grim Reaper, his [[Bob Chandler|father]]'s soul would not be claimed until the year 2015.
*11 June 2013 - Chris has made 30 friends in Toro's Friend Network according to his [[Facebook]] post. [http://i.imgur.com/1iFbV78.png (Link)]
*12 June 2013 - Chris has made 50 friends in Toro's Friend Network according to his [[Facebook]] post. [http://i.imgur.com/LAKqMX0.png (Link)] He is also earning #mPOINTS Rewards in Crackle. [http://i.imgur.com/tTcpJFF.png (Link)]
*13 June 2013 - Chris liked two videos: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Oa8Nd6H0pU "I Heard the Dog Bark" by Sesame Street] and [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlinLHR2yl4 My Little Pony Equestria Girls Official Trailer 2] on [[YouTube]] despite he once made a [[Facebook#THEY_ARE_NOT_SERIOUS.21.21.21|Facebook post raging about the Equestria Girls movie a few days ago]]. [http://i.imgur.com/kABCrhy.png (Link)] On the same day, [[Anna]] posts to her friends, including Chris to all go to Disneyland together. [http://i.imgur.com/5AQNS4V.png (Link)]
*16 June 2013 - A picture of [[Son-Chu]] which is photographed on Google Street View in [[June 2011]] is leaked on the [[CWCki Forums]].
*17 June 2013 - Chris posts another Facebook post that [[Facebook#I_am_feeling_very_lonely_again|he is lonely again.]]
*20 June 2013 - A video of [[14 Branchland Court|Chris's house]] on 8 June 2013 is leaked on the [[CWCki Forums]].
*20 and 21 June 2013 - Hidden [[Twitter]] posts from 16 [[April 2012]] to 21 June 2013, which most of them are linked to the [[Facebook]] [[2013 Imgur Leak]] and pictures from 20 June 2013 are leaked on the [[CWCki Forums]].
*22 June 2013 - Chris posts on [[Facebook#Too_many_Trolls_and_Bad_People_in_the_world|Facebook]] that "there are too many [[Trolls]] and Bad People in the world hiding behind the [[Internet]] constantly".
*24 June 2013 - Mary McLerran, relative of [[Anna McLerran|Anna]], posts to Chris on [[Facebook]] that she is sending him good energy. [http://i.imgur.com/LAZA08q.png (Link)]
*27 June 2013 - Chris makes a [[Facebook#A_skunk|Facebook]] post about a skunk.
*29 June 2013 - Chris complains to [[Cole Smithey]] on [[Twitter]].

==July==
*10 July - Chris's year-long probation, [[28 October 2011|passed down by the court]], will end today.

==September==
*6 September - The second anniversary of [[Bob Chandler|Bob's]] death from heart failure.

==October==
*1 October - [[Barbara]]'s 72nd birthday.
*31 October - [[Halloween]].
==December==
*25 December - [[Christmas]].

== Sources ==
<references/>

{{Timeline}}
[[Category:Chronology]]

Sonichu 4

2013-06-27T13:23:53Z

Hemlock: /* Sub-Episode 5: Christian Chandler in "McAttack Part 2" */

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{Infobox/Comic
| titleandissue = Sonichu #4
| cover = issue4.jpg
| coverdate = 2 November 2005
| began = 24 March 2005
| finishedcomic = after 2 September 2005
| pagecount = 95
| episodes = ''none''
| sub-episodes = 1-8
| previous = [[Sonichu 3|Sonichu #3]]
| next = [[Sonichu 5|Sonichu #5]]
}}
'''''Sonichu'' #4''' is the fifth issue of the series.

A departure from the previous books in both form and content, ''Sonichu'' #4 consists entirely of [[sub-episodes]] about [[Chris's]] [[Love Quest]] and other happenings of his life. Chris's [[narcissism]] is in full bloom here, as he reprints the first four sub-episodes (from ''Sonichu'' #0 to #3), and adds four more.

Although Chris would not complete [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]] until February [[2006]], he had begun work on the new material in ''Sonichu'' #4. Sub-Episodes 5, 6, and 7 were completed during the summer of [[2005]], and Sub-Episode 8 was at least started by September 2005. Given that the events these stories are based upon happened in the summer of 2005, Chris probably had them forefront on his mind and was able to work more quickly on them than his wretched "Sonichu Babies" plot in [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]].

Chris has stated that [[Barbara|his mother]] told him to stop making sub-episodes<ref>[[Mailbag 3#In which Chris forgets why Barb objects to him immortalizing his failures in comics|Mailbag 3]]: "I stopped drawing those because I made a promise to my mother that I would, but I forget why she was offended by them."</ref>; this issue's format may represent an effort to get them all out of the way immediately following her edict.

==Sub-Episode 1: Christian Chandler in "Jerkop-tastropie"==
{{-}}
{{Resources
| title =Jerkop-tastropie
| cwcipedia =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_1 ''Sub-Episode 1''
| sonichusite =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuComic5P1.htm ''Sub-Episode 1''
}}
{{main|Sub-Episode 1}}

Reprinted from [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]], the [[Jerkhief]] accuses Christian of solicitation, forcing Chris to transform into [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]] and defend himself with the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]].
{{-}}

==Sub-Episode 2: Christian Chandler in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart"==
{{Resources
| title =The Rise & Fall of My Heart
| cwcipedia =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_11 ''Sub-Episode 2''
| sonichusite =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuComic5P6.htm ''Sub-Episode 2''
}}
{{main|Sub-Episode 2}}

Christian meets [[Hanna]], who asks him out for coffee. While planning his wedding, Chris learns from [[Rosechu]] that Hanna is trolling him.

Reprinted from ''[[Sonichu 1|''Sonichu'' #1]]''.
{{-}}

==Sub-Episode 3: Christian Chandler & Sonichu in "Witch Confront"==
{{Resources
| title =Witch Confront
| cwcipedia =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_19''Sub-Episode 3''
| sonichusite =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuComic5P10.htm ''Sub-Episode 3''
}}
{{main|Sub-Episode 3}}

Christian attacks [[Mary Lee Walsh]], but she overpowers him and [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] (in a rare cameo) has to bail his ass out.

Reprinted from [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]].
{{-}}

==Sub-Episode 4: Christian Chandler in "McAttack"==
{{Resources
| title =McAttack Part 1
| cwcipedia =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_27 ''Sub-Episode 4''
| sonichusite =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuComic5P14.htm ''Sub-Episode 4''
}}
{{main|Sub-Episode 4}}

Christian loiters at a [[McDonald's]] for so long that he is attacked by no fewer than three [[manajerk]]s.

Reprinted from [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]].

===Advertisements===
While the CWCipedia version is presented without advertisements between features, the older version on [[CWC's Sonichu Site]] recycles the ads for [[MySpace]] and [[Axe]] between Sub-Episodes 4 and 5.
{{-}}

==Sub-Episode 5: Christian Chandler in "McAttack Part 2"==
{{Resources
| title =McAttack Part 2
| cwcipedia =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_41 ''Sub-Episode 5''
| videobook =Sonichu_4_Official_Videobook#Sub-Episode_5{{!}}''Sub-Episode 5''
| sonichusite =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuComic5P22.htm ''Sub-Episode 5''
| audiobook =http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtBWmuOrnJo ''Sub-Episode 5''
}}
Continuing from [[Sub-Episode 4]], the [[W-M-Manajerk]] immediately blasts [[Chris]] into a soda fountain, drenching him with cola. In an unprecedented moment, Chris decides that he will need to bathe, and takes a "CWC" shower [[Chris and health|that lasts exactly three seconds]] (he seems to think this is impressive). Christian charges W-M, but he catches our hero and holds him high in the air. Just as Chris is wondering if anything can defeat W-M-Manajerk, his ancestor, the [[ancient leader of the Cherokee Clan]], appears before him with advice concerning Chris's [[Heart Torch]]:

{{quote|...combined with your powers, you can use it to summon your dream sibling! She will be able to help you, much better than your mother even! Farewell, Chris!}}

Christian realizes that his ancestor is referring to the twin sister he has dreamed of having and has depicted in his shitty homemade ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' cards. Emulating [[Wild Sonichu]]'s power of growth, Chris momentarily [[obesity|grows so large that he breaks loose of the Manajerk's grip]], and lands on the opposite side of the restaurant from his Heart Torch. Dashing past enemy fire, he retrieves the totem, and summons [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal Weston Chandler]] into reality. Seeing that Crystal has a Rosechu medallion, Chris realizes that she possesses the same [[anchuent powers]] as he does, and they transform into [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]] and [[Crystalina Rosechu]].

Together they assault the W-M-Manajerk with Mirror Coat, Reflect and Double Corkscrew Kick. Once he is down, they finish the job by combining Chris's [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] and Crystalina's Shocking Tiara Magic to decapitate him. It is only after they separate W-M-Manajerk's head from his body that they realize he can survive in this state, suggesting that the twins' intent was to murder him. While [[B-Manajerk]] and [[Merried Seinor Comic]] decide they should retreat, W-M-Manajerk confesses that he is from the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]] and that he was sent by [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. Christian and Crystal decide to punt the disembodied head all the way back to PVCC, where it strikes Walsh on the head, knocking her unconscious.
{{-}}

==Sub-Episode 6: "Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari"==
{{Resources
| title =Christian Chandler's Backyard Safari
| cwcipedia =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_55 ''Sub-Episode 6''
| videobook =Sonichu_4_Official_Videobook#Sub-Episode_6{{!}}''Sub-Episode 6''
| sonichusite =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuComic5P29.htm ''Sub-Episode 6''
| audiobook =http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gF0mGGPtHbA ''Sub-Episode 6''
}}
[[Image:CWCFinger.jpg|thumb|"Sonichu MAH BOI, this China is what all true autistic virgins strive for!" ]]
Christian presents a documentary on the various [[jerkop]]s he has encountered during his [[Love Quest]], with a profile on the [[Jerkhief]]. It's during this profile that he mentions that a Jerkop's badge is just a [[Wikipedia:Graham cracker|graham cracker]] painted yellow. The [[Jerkhief]]'s, however, is made of wood. Somehow, this is supposed to explain the Jerkhief's "delicious" wooden badge on the cover.

He then relates an incident in which he was hanging out with his [[gal pal]]s when a "tribe of jerkops," led by the Jerkhief, harass them. In the story Chris stands his ground; however, the battle is interrupted by [[Crystal Weston Chandler (character)|Crystal]], emerging from a changing room in a new outfit. With the jerkops dazed by her ravishing beauty, Chris gets an idea to channel [[Magi-Chan]]'s powers to psychically disarm all the jerkops and arrange them like bowling pins, so that he can use the Jerkhief like a bowling ball. But first he makes a long, boring speech:
{{quote|You're not getting to me; no matter what you may try in attempt or threat, [[Chris and the Law#understanding|I will hang out wherever I want, when I want, and how I want]]! And I will never quit in my search for a [[Boyfriend-Free Girl]] either! So, all you Jerkops may as well go back to the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]], and tell [[Mary Lee Walsh]] that if she is still intent on shattering my heart again, she can't! My heart is indestructible, and the more you haze me, I will grow stronger. Beware, eve for in the name of my heart, soul and [[Love Quest]], [[Sailor Moon|I will punish you!]]}}

Chris concludes his documentary by explaining how the jerkops use a hypno-gun to brainwash slow-minded persons to their cause, thereby replenishing their numbers. While watching the conclusion of the program, [[Scotpalazzo]] decides to order more jerkops from PVCC to oppose Christian.
{{-}}

==Sub-Episode 7: Christian Chandler in "Off-Target"==
{{Resources
| title =Off-Target Part 1
| cwcipedia =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_65 ''Sub-Episode 7''
| videobook =Sonichu_4_Official_Videobook#Sub-Episode_7{{!}}''Sub-Episode 7''
| sonichusite =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuComic5P34.htm ''Sub-Episode 7''
| audiobook =http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdr-w1TNO60 ''Sub-Episode 7''
}}
A flashback reveals how Christian and [[Saramah Rosechu]] defeated Mary Lee Walsh some months ago; [[Graduon]] vows to destroy Christian with the strongest, most evil villain ever.

In the present day, Walsh and Graduon give [[Bagget]] his first assignment, to attack Christian at the [[Get-Tar Region]]. Using a squad of jerkops and his [[Transformers|Change-Bot]] Crackder, Bagget defeats Chris. Bagget's success is less a matter of his superior skill or strategy than the fact that for once no one arrives in the nick of time to rescue Chris--Crystal is unable to fight through the crowd of shoppers to help. In the cliffhanger, Crackder drops Chris from an astonishing height of at least ten feet.
{{-}}

==Sub-Episode 8: Christian Chandler in "Off-Target Part 2"==
{{Resources
| title =Off-Target Part 2
| cwcipedia =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_79 ''Sub-Episode 8''
| videobook =Sonichu_4_Official_Videobook#Sub-Episode_8{{!}}''Sub-Episode 8''
| sonichusite =http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcville/SchuComic5P41.htm ''Sub-Episode 8''
| audiobook =http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6SOh0iDGgE ''Sub-Episode 8''
}}
[[Image:Letsdoit.JPG|thumb|left|Will Chris lose his virginity at last?]]
Continuing from Sub-Episode 7, Chris's fall is broken by one of Crystal's telekinetic powers. The jerkops decide to dog-pile on Chris, hogtying him and going out of their way to give him severe carpet burns on his face. As Crystal watches on, inexplicably helpless to act, Chris is ferried away by Crackder to PVCC, marking the first time the villains have ever actually subdued ''and'' captured him.

While Crystal tracks Bagget as [[Crystalina Rosechu]], Chris is presented before Mary Lee Walsh, hogtied on a silver platter with an apple in his mouth. After pointlessly re-enacting the trial scene from ''[[Wikipedia:The Transformers: The Movie|The Transformers: The Movie]]'', Walsh and the Jerkhief drop Chris in a vat of indeterminate liquid. Chris is finally rescued by Crystalina, who saves him from falling into... something, and battles Walsh's forces singlehandedly. Without the power to help his sister, Christian experiences another vision of his ancestor, who offers words of encouragement to re-energize him. Finally able to transform into [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]], Chris and his sister form up as [[Chrs-Chan Pure]] and use the [[Chrs-Chan Pure Pulse-Jolt Lance]] to destroy the crystal ball maintaining Walsh's control of PVCC. Walsh and Graduon escape to [[Manchester High School]] to rebuild their power base.

===Back Cover===
As with [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]], early editions feature the personal army request page, while the most recent CWCipedia version features ''[[Sonichu Adventure]]''.
{{-}}

==Gallery==
<center>{{collapsible
|Issue 4
|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:issue4.jpg|Cover
Image:AltSonichu4.jpg|Bizarro World Cover
File:SchuComic4Page01.jpg
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File:SchuComic4Page27.jpg
File:SchuComic4Page28.jpg
File:SchuComic4Page29.jpg
File:SchuComic4Page30.jpg
Image:SchuComicFreeBack.jpg|Early Back Cover
Image:Sonichu Adventure for Gamecube.jpg|Revised Back Cover
</gallery>}}</center>

==See Also==
{{CWCipedia|chris=Sonichu Comic Collection|linkname=the Sonichu Comic Collection}}
*[[W-M-Manajerk]]
*[[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)]]
*[[Jerkhief]]

==References==
<references/>

{{Sonichu}}
[[Category: Sonichu comic book issues]]

Sonic the Hedgehog

2013-06-27T05:32:49Z

Hemlock: /* Tails's lack of a role in the comics */

{{quote|[I] looked up to Sonic the Hedgehog as my lifelong hero, because he's not only quck in the feet, but also [[Slow-in-the-minds|in the head]].|[[Christian Weston Chandler]]<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 20]]</ref>}}
[[File:ClassicSonic.png|thumb|150px|Chris's current hero.]]

'''Sonic the Hedgehog''' is a fictional character that was created by [[Sega]] in order to serve as their main mascot (replacing Alex Kidd), as well as to compete against Nintendo's Super Mario. He is also one of the primary characters from which the beloved [[Sonichu (comic)|comic book]] hero [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] draws inspiration.

Chris claims that Sonic has been his "life long hero"<ref>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPv7MqvrDK0&feature=player_embedded#!</ref> since June [[1990]][''sic'']<ref>''Sonic the Hedgehog'' wasn't released until June [[1991]] - see [[Wikipedia:Sonic_the_Hedgehog_(video_game)|here]]. Interestingly, this is also a question on Chris's [[Quizzes#Sonic_the_Hedgehog_History|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' MyBuzz quiz]] which Chris assigns the right answer of June 1991.</ref>, replacing [[The Adventures of The American Rabbit|The American Rabbit]].<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#Conception_and_Creation CWCipedia article on Sonichu]</ref> Chris's transformation into a [[Tomgirl Saga|Tomgirl]] (circa [[March 2011]]<ref>Chris changed his PSN quote to [[:File:I am tomgirl.jpg|"I am Tomgirl"]] on 30 March 2011, meaning that he did not became a transvestite in any latter date.</ref>) has not diminished his loyalty to Sonic, as can be seen in his [[Facebook#Sega Mascot Contest|29 April 2013 Facebook note]].

==History==
Chris likely first learned about Sonic from a magazine promotion of the series from late 1990, involving the basic plot of Sonic running around to defeat [[Robotnik]], who was portrayed as a [[Obesity|plump]], [[Chris and his Ego|egotistical]] man who would endeavor to conquer Mobius and destroy Sonic, failing spectacularly each time. A show based on the games called [[Wikipedia:Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog|''Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog'']] was promoted via a [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|contest]], with the grand prize being a [[Chris and money|$1,000 video game shopping spree]]. Chris was one of the two winners of the shopping spree and was featured in a news story about the contest, one of the biggest moments (if not ''the'' biggest moment) in his early life, spreading its influence far and wide, from his decisions to enter contests (cf. [[GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes]], [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]], [[Harvey Birdman Commercial|''Harvey Birdman'' Commercial]], [[Pixelated PS3]]) to the eventual creation of [[Sonichu]]. Chris's loyalty was so strong that he was visibly upset when told by bullies that Sonic was dead.<ref>[[Jackie Chat 9|Jackie Chat #9]]</ref>

==Role in the comics==
Sonic first appears in [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]] as Super Sonic battling the [[Perfect Chaos Monster]] in [[Station Square]]. Whilst battling him, a [[Pikachu]] comes to fight Perfect Chaos and is tackled by Sonic. The power of the Chaos Emeralds mutates said Pikachu into [[Sonichu]], who then defeats Perfect Chaos.

[[Sonichu 1|In the following issue]], he crashes into Sonichu again. After recognizing each other, they team up in order to rescue [[Rosechu]] from the clutches of [[Black Sonichu]].

Other than being the catalyst for the creation of Sonichu and teaming up with him in the second issue, Sonic serves no other purpose. He disappears after issue #1, never mentioned again until [[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]], where [[Robbie]] sickeningly refers to him as "Uncle Sonic".

===Tails's lack of a role in the comics===
'''Miles "Tails" Prower''' is Sonic's sidekick, and has been in the franchise since [[Wikipedia:Sonic The Hedgehog 2|''Sonic the Hedgehog II'']] was released in [[1992]] for the [[Wikipedia:Sega Master System|Sega Master System]]. He has been featured in almost every form of ''Sonic''-related media such as cartoons, anime, and comic books. As such, many have been perplexed on why neither he nor an idiot ripoff (likely named "Prowerlo Sonichu") has had a role in ''Sonichu''. An orange character who's probably meant to be Tails can be seen in the background of a [[Scrapbook]] [[:Image:063-SonicVsSonichu.jpg|drawing of Sonic and Sonichu]] and he is also briefly featured in a fancomic [[PandaHalo]] made and Chris added to [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], but other than that neither Tails nor a recolor of him appear in the Sonichu universe.
[[Image:0860-Cwcville9.JPG|thumb|He did make a [[Lego]] version of Tails.]]
Chris has refused to include Tails in his comics, despite ripping off Knuckles and Shadow and featuring an [[Transformers|Autobot]] named "[[Prower]]". Contrary to what some believe, it is not likely Tails was omitted because of the rumors (made by [[BlueSpike|thirteen-year-olds]] on [[GameFAQs]] and Newgrounds) that Sonic and Tails were a [[homos|gay]] couple. Chris said that "I just did not feel need for a Tails-like Character in the stories. I disagree with all the rumors against Tails; if you read the [[Wikipedia:Sonic the Hedgehog (comics)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' Comic Book Series]] from Archie Comics, Tails gets a Girlfriend."<ref>[[Mailbag_21#Why no Tails?|Mailbag #21]]</ref> He later claims that he "did not feel it appropriate for Tails to be in my comic."<ref>[[Mailbag_38#Chris is an expert matchmaker|Mailbag #38]]</ref>
Despite this, Chris ''did'' create two Tails-like [[Pokémon]] named Evails and Supreon (an evolution of the former), though they only appeared on the [[Wall of Originals]]. Tails also gets a mention in "[[Sonichu & Rosechu… The Genesis of the Lovehogs]]", a Sonichu short story which predates the comics.

[[Wild Sonichu|Wild]] might be the closest a Sonichu character has ever come to ripping off Tails. While they're nothing alike in their looks or personalities([[Chris_and_writing#Characterization|or lack thereof]], in the case of Wild.),Wild does states in [[Sonichu 3]] that he can use his tail as a propeller, an ability also shared by Tails.

== Amy Rose ==
'''Amy Rose''' is a ''[[Sonic]]'' character created in [[1993]], making her first appearance in the game [[Wikipedia:Sonic CD|''Sonic CD'']]. She serves as the self-proclaimed love interest of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]]. In fleshing out the world of [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]], Chris quickly ripped off the character to serve as Sonichu's girlfriend, [[Rosechu]].

[[Image:Chrischan_traced.jpg|thumb|Yep, definitely different.]]

While Sonichu is essentially a recolor of Sonic with a Pikachu tail shoved up his ass, Rosechu is a much more direct rip-off. Like Amy Rose, Rosechu has green eyes and pink fur, with the spines on her head arranged to resemble a bob haircut. Both wear red boots and dresses, with Rosechu's having a blue trim in a slightly different pattern to Amy's white trim. Visually, the only obvious distinction between the two is the [[Raichu]] tail Rosechu has, and the spines on the center of Amy's forehead, which Rosechu lacks. It should be noted, however, that when Chris draws Amy, he [[Chris and art|fails]] to draw the forehead spines properly.

{{quote|MAJOR Differences between Amy and Rosie; Amy never had spikes on her back, the clothes are Different; Rosie’s Headband is White, not Red, and Rosechu has a modern girl kinda attitude, and lucky for her, Sonichu RARELY runs away from her charms. And, of course, she has her Electric-Type Attacks to boot.|Christian Weston Chandler, damning himself with [[The Sonichu Chronicles|faint praise]].}}

[[Image: Rosechu-AmyRose2.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Even Chris is bored with this sexist gabfest.]]

As Chris points out, the only real difference between Amy and Rosechu in terms of characterization is that while Amy's crush on Sonic is not reciprocated, Sonichu has been sucking face with Rosechu since the [[Sonichu 0|day they met]]. Obviously, this hardly marks a difference in their ''personality''. If anything, it says more about the differences between Sonic and Sonichu, since they respond differently to affection. Since she's already made her romantic conquest, Rosechu is free to pursue the life of a "modern girl", which apparently means [[Sonichu 8|face-raping people]] and producing [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack|amateur pornography]].

[[Image: Rosechu-AmyRose1.jpg|thumb|200px|left|Sheesh, they even think the same words.]]

As an epilogue to the Sonichu/Sonic team-up in [[Sonichu 1|''Sonichu'' #1]], Rosechu happens to meet Amy in [[CWCville Mall]]. With no hint of irony, the two remark upon how similar they are, and engage in a [[Women's rights|vapid conversation about shopping and relationships]].

== Shadow the Hedgehog ==
Introduced in [[2001]]'s [[Wikipedia:Sonic Adventure 2|''Sonic Adventure 2'']], '''Shadow the Hedgehog''' is an anti-hero version of Sonic the Hedgehog. Quickly becoming a fan favorite among the ''Sonic'' family of characters, it was only a matter of time before [[Chris]] decided to "create" another [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]]...

Unlike [[Rosechu]], who is virtually identical to Amy in every relevant respect, [[Black Sonichu]] (Blake) only resembles Shadow in his color scheme and tenuous allegiance to the forces of evil. While Shadow is primarily motivated by his desire to learn about his mysterious past, Black Sonichu was informed of every aspect of his creation by [[Naitsirhc]]. Most notably, while Shadow is supposed to be a dark and edgy character, Black Sonichu is basically just a punk, committing blatant mischief for very transparent motives.

While this might seem to make Black Sonichu halfway original, it really only means that he's a poor copy of [[Sonichu]] instead of a slightly less poor copy of Shadow. Blake's only real claim to individuality was that he acted like an asshole; since falling for [[Bubbles]] in [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], he doesn't even have that going for him.

Shadow makes one appearance in the ''Sonichu'' canon when he shows up as a drummer for [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]], but is later replaced by [[Punchy Sonichu]].

==Comics==
[[File:Sth189.jpg|thumb|right|More likely than not a bigger inspiration than the games series itself.]]

Sonic comics are almost as numerous as the games themselves, pumped out at a whim for a buck; they even made series specific for each region of the world. The one Chris is familiar with is the one published by Archie Comics, published in, obviously, America.

Chris has hinted at and mentioned that he is familiar with this comic series, and the layout of his comics tends to replicate the style of early Archie ''Sonic'' covers. Reldnahc's calling Chris "Prime-Chan" in the comic may be a reference to the character [[Wikipedia:List_of_Sonic_the_Hedgehog_comic_book_characters#Evil_Sonic.2FScourge_the_Hedgehog|Scourge the Hedgehog]], an evil version of Sonic from another dimension; Sonic is referred to as "Sonic Prime" when dealing with inter-dimensional storylines. Chris has also been known to trace images from an early special of the comic, "Super Sonic vs. Hyper Knuckles", for the basis of some of his fight scenes, and one of the early shorts, entitled "Sonichu 25 Years Later," takes its name from a 2004 arc called "Mobius 25 Years Later." Whether he still reads the comics now or not is unknown. He has stated that he would like ''Sonichu'' to be published by Archie Comics.<ref>[[IRC (22 December 2008)]]</ref><ref>[[Mumble 6|Mumble Chat #6]]</ref> If Chris still reads it, it will probably be a source of plagiarism and mass-debating for years to come.

Starting in [[April 2010]], [[Sony]] began releasing the Archie ''Sonic'' comics for download via the [[Playstation Network]].<ref>[http://blog.us.playstation.com/2010/04/22/playstation-comics-store-update-17/ PlayStation Comics Store Update]</ref> The likelihood that Chris has purchased them? [[Chris and money|Close to 100%.]]

==Plagiarism==
To put it bluntly, Sonichu is a [[copyright]] infringement. Chris tries to work around this fact by claiming that Sonichu is a [[parody]] of Sonic the Hedgehog, but Chris clearly does not understand what the word means, as Sonichu does not derive humor or provide commentary on the original franchise.

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Modern-classic.png|Sonic with his 90's counterpart.
Image:001-Christophers1stSonic.jpg|Chris drew this in between ages 8 and 28.
Image:075-SonicAndSonichu.jpg|He's a street smart cop with twenty years on the force! He's a rookie straight out of academy! Together, they fight crime!
Image:063-SonicVsSonichu.jpg|Because we all like to see our favorite heroes crossover one day! [[Sonichu 1|Oh wait!]]
Image:0065-Sonic.jpg|Sonic looking an awful lot like Chris.
Image:326-SonicJamCard.jpg|...I thought the answer was "Aim for the [[Sonichu 4|sourdough region]]"?
Image:327-SonicJamCardBck.jpg|[[6 June 2010|Yep,]] [[Don't Mess With Me|that]] [[Sonichu 10|most]] [[Autism Tutorial Extra|certainly ]][[28 October 2011|taught]] [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|him.]]
Image:445-SonicTotem.JPG|0-0 [http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/um_yeah_maybe_get_somebody_els.php Geekologie Reader] does not approve of Chris's artwork.
Image:447-CWCSonicPlate.JPG|Sonic the Blowfish
Image:468-SonicCup.JPG|Chris makes his own [[Jimmy Hill|unlicensed ''Sonic'' merchandise]].
Image:469-SonicCupSide.JPG|Hello, lawsuit.
Image:0064-ChristianWSonic.jpg|Chris was so excited, he produced [[dirty, crapped briefs]].
Image:0077-SonicDoll.jpg|Chris still has this doll and it has seen [[For Julie's Eyes Only|horrible things]].
</gallery>
</center>

==See also==
* [[Doctor Robotnik]]
* [[Chris and copyright]]

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
* [[Wikipedia:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] on [[Wikipedia]]

{{Hedgehog Boys}}
{{Not_Jerks}}

[[Category:Stubs|Sonic the Hedgehog]]
[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]
[[Category:Video Games]]

[[Category:Christian and the Hedgehog Boys band members]]

Chris and religion

2013-06-18T14:44:10Z

Hemlock: /* Concept of God (or: GodJesus) */

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{quote|When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.|1 Cor 13:11,<ref>[http://bible.cc/1_corinthians/13-11.htm]</ref> on what Chris <s>has failed to</s> will never do.}}

{{quote|my CURRENT church can help me a LOT better than any "professional"|Chris not understanding how professional help works<ref>[[Vivitheg's AIM chat]]</ref>}}
[[Image:SonichuRosechuReligious.jpg|thumb|right|Sonichu and Rosechu recall Joseph's story of "forgiveness" prior to Rosechu brutally faceraping [[Jason Kendrick Howell]].]]
'''The religion of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]''' is a complicated topic because his stated religious convictions often differ from his actual, peculiar beliefs about God, sinfulness, and the nature of good and evil.

That Chris professes a belief in Christianity completes the general stereotype of the [[naïve]] [[Bob Chandler|hillbilly]] idiot who thinks that citing divine authority is the way to win arguments about things he doesn't understand. With religion, like anything else, Chris only hears what he wants to hear. For example, he accepts his religion's teachings condemning [[homos]]exuality ''yet'' ignores the fact that it also forbids pre-marital [[Chris and sex|sex]], [[Nudes|pornography]], and [[Chris and health|gluttony]]. This dissonance is exemplified in his reaction to the news that [[PandaHalo]] had been raped and impregnated by [[Clyde Cash]]: he actively encouraged her to spend time with her rapist because a child should know and be raised by both of its parents... shortly after encouraging her to get an abortion.<ref>[[IRC (21 January 2009)]]</ref>

Chris's narrow view of the world requires that [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] share his religious beliefs, despite the fact that they also regard Chris as their almighty creator and father.

Regardless of his religion, Chris believes he has received [[Dreams|multiple visions from God]].

==Denomination==
{{quote|And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, [[BlueSpike|fornication]], [[Twin Falling Towers|wickedness]], [[Kacey|covetousness]], [[Don't Mess With Me|maliciousness]]; full of [[Infinitely high boyfriend factor|envy]], [[Death threats|murder]], [[Mass debating|debate]], [[List of Chris's lies|deceit]], [[Chris and anger|malignity]]; whisperers, [[Autism Tutorial Extra|backbiters]], haters of God, [[Aspergers (CWCipedia article)|despiteful]], [[Chris and his Ego|proud]], [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|boasters]], inventors of [[Sonichu|evil things]], [[Bob Chandler|disobedient to parents]], [[Naïve|without understanding]], covenantbreakers, [[Hanky-panky|without natural affection]], [[Chris and remorse|implacable]], [[Sonichu Special 4|unmerciful]]: who knowing the judgment of God, that they which [[For Julie's Eyes Only|commit such things are worthy of death]], not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.|Romans 1:28-32, on Chris}}

[[Image:CHRISjesuss.jpg|thumb|right||Program from Chris's baptism]]
At some time in his youth, Chris was baptized in an unspecified [[Wikipedia:Methodism|Methodist]] church.<ref>[[IRC (28 December 2008)]]</ref> The first church he and his parents are known to have attended is [[Grace Baptist Church]], a small congregation in [[Charlottesville]] that launched in [[2000]].<ref>http://cvilletomorrow.typepad.com/charlottesville_tomorrow_/2007/12/grace_baptist.html</ref> In [[2008]] he was; under [[Nudes|mysterious circumstances]], forced to leave that community, at which time he began attending [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]].

"Wesley Mem" is located near the [[University of Virginia]] and has an unusually liberal theology; the common conclusion among [[trolls]] is that congregations more in line with Chris's opinions of [[homos]] are equally intolerant of him, so he had to come here. The doctrinal differences between the [[Wikipedia:Southern Baptist|Southern Baptist]] and Methodist denominations are probably too subtle for Chris to concern himself with, and he likely does not identify with any particular denomination of Christianity beyond simply being Protestant.

Chris has no connection to Catholicism, which he seems to regard as a benign but alien practice. In his comics, he assigns it to a minor character, [[Angelica Rosechu]], whose faith doesn't practically differentiate her from the rest of the inhabitants of [[CWCville]] - she's still as much of a slut as the rest of the [[Rosechu (species)|Rosechus]]. Also, her home congregation is called "Samuel Memorial United Christian Church," which is about the least likely name for a Roman Catholic church Chris could have come up with.

[[PandaHalo]]'s persona was designed to be devoutly Roman Catholic specifically to confound Chris's desire for pre-marital sex with contraception. Faced with this challenge, Chris tried to argue that God really does allows premarital sex because his pastor said so. Members of the same religion often differ on the finer points of God's will because ultimately there is no objective point of reference to settle the dispute. Chris cannot comprehend this because to him his beliefs ''are'' that point of reference; [[Autism|you either share his beliefs or you're receiving bad information]].

==Concept of God (or: GodJesus)==
[[Image:CWCletter.jpg|thumb|left|Chris invokes God and Jesus, saying they told him that [[Blanca]] is real. Proof that God and Jesus are on the [[trolls]]' side.]]
[[Image:SchuComic10P09.jpg|thumb|right|God and Jesus ('sup?) tell Chris he is meant to be with [[Ivy]].]]
[[Image:Jesusbot.jpg|thumb|right|This is what Chris actually believes.]]

Chris had a fundamental belief in an omnipotent, benevolent God; beyond this, he also accepts Jesus Christ as the son of God and the savior of mankind. He's reluctant to mention God without also including Jesus, perhaps out of some sense that he must stress his specifically Christian notion of God. In effect, Chris frequently refers to "God and Jesus" (or "GodJesus"<ref>[[Matthew 5:27, CWC Confessions]]</ref><ref>[[CWC Update 9 April 2009]]</ref>) as if they were some sort of [[wikipedia:Binitarianism|Binity]], unlike the mainstream Christian concept of the [[Wikipedia:Trinity|Trinity]], which states that God Himself exists as three "persons" or expressions in one Being.

Being the unparalleled study in [[Chris and his Ego|ego]]tism he is, Chris seemed to view God as a more of a metaphor for his own will than a supreme being to whom he is subject. In Chris's previous view of God, the almighty will overlook (or doesn't care about) his misdeeds, but will become as enraged as Chris over those of others, especially when they are against him. Case in point, the ''fact'' that Chris cheated in the [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|PaRappa the Rapper contest]] is not nearly as important as the ''suspicion'' that [[Adam Stackhouse]] did.

Chris believes God has a special interest in his own life, which would be consistent with Western monotheism, except that he also thinks God has nothing better to do than attend to him, and him alone. In his worldview, God's primary purpose should be to arrange events so that he is happy, and punish those who make him unhappy. This is nearly the exact opposite of Christianity which states that man is to serve God. He was commonly observed saying things like "with God (and Jesus) on my side I will... [insert anything Chris fails at]." He often invokes the wrath of God in his [[Death threats|infantile threats]], and is oblivious to the fact that God has yet to back him up on any of them.

Much like the [[Wikipedia:Ruhollah Khomeini|Ayatollah Khomeini]], Chris attributes most of his motivations to commands given to him directly from GodJesus in [[Dreams|visions]]. His exact beliefs concerning these prophetic dreams are difficult to pin down, but the most rational interpretation is that Chris dreams about something he'd like to do, then wakes up and decides it was God telling him to do it. In Chris's mind, each vision is simultaneously a directive to do something and proof that it will happen no matter what occurs. For instance, after Chris had a vision about fathering a [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|daughter]], he decided he was required to actively [[Love Quest|make that happen]] while also assuring himself that [[Virgin with rage|failure]] was impossible. When Chris was being accused of [[Chris and race|racism]] for insisting that he can only date white women, he justified this by arguing that prophesied daughter must be white.

Subsequent visions from God have supposedly confirmed that [[Blanca Weiss]], [[PandaHalo]] and [[Ivy]] were to be the mother of [[Daughter|Chris's child]], despite the fact that each of these women subsequently turned out to be [[trolls]]. This proves that God, if he exists, is either not responsible for Chris's supposedly prophetic dreams, or is having a [[Laughs Under Lucricities|laugh at his expense]].

Chris also believes that if he confesses his sins to GodJesus he will be forgiven. Private confessions directly to God are not uncommon in Protestantism, but generally it's assumed that the confessor is doing so to genuinely atone for mistakes. However, Chris abuses the purpose of confession so that he can commit whatever wrongs he wants and then wipe the slate clean with his "confession." For example, Chris made [[To Clyde and Jack|a video]] in which he suggested that [[Clyde Cash]] and [[Jack Thaddeus]] commit suicide so that they can burn in Hell forever. He later drew them doing just that in [[Sonichu (comic)|his comic]]. Just one day after the comic appearance, Chris answered a fan letter asking why he had been wishing suicide upon them, and pointing out that such a wish conflicts with his Christian beliefs. Chris responded that he had "confessed of that to God and Jesus, and they have forgiven [him] on that."<ref>[[Mailbag 33#Chris demanded suicide under "reasonable hatred"]]</ref> One of two things happened: either Chris wished for their deaths in the video, asked for forgiveness, then gleefully drew it happening afterward anyway, or he waited until he'd finally got done saying his piece, then conveniently offered up his confession right after getting everything out of his system. Either way, such a confession is highly disingenuous.

Traditional theology has long dealt with the so-called "problem of pain" in books Chris is unlikely to read anytime soon. It was strange that despite Chris's strong past belief that GodJesus is backing him up on his [[Love Quest]], that God imparts on him such [[stress]] and trolling. He seems to believe that the way prayer should work is the same way a little kid learns to get what they want: by saying "please." To Chris, prayer is apparently like ordering a pizza, and as long as you pray for something, it'll show up for you exactly how you ordered it, a principle that applies to base and material things as much as spiritual guidance.

Eventually, Chris came to blame God for his misfortunes in a [[Other documents#Epistle to the Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|letter]] meant for his fellow parishioners at Wesley Memorial. The date of the letter is unknown, but cannot have been written earlier than [[July 2011]], as Ed Winkler, the pastor mentioned in the letter, joined the staff of Wesley Memorial on that month.<ref>[http://www.linkedin.com/pub/ed-winkler/1a/16a/360 Ed Winkler's profile] at LinkedIn</ref>
{{clear}}

==Afterlife==
{{Quote|For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.|Ephesians 2:8-10, on the place of good deeds in the Christian faith.}}
{{Quote|Like most people; our souls leave our bodies, we end up in Heaven or Hell depending on our deeds/misdeeds, and possibly Reincarnation.|Chris,<ref>[[Mailbag 30#Questions]]</ref>}} {{clear}}

While the idea of good deeds causing someone to go to heaven and bad deeds sending them to hell is not an uncommon one, Protestant theology explicitly states that the salvation of one's soul is based completely on one's faith. In general this teaching means that one's prior sins (no matter how terrible) can be forgiven by God, and that members of the faith should try to live righteous lives not because it will get them into heaven, but simply because doing so is morally the right thing to do. The salvation of one's soul through faith is essentially the single point upon which nearly every Protestant denomination is based.

Like everything else, Chris fails at this basic concept, stating that one goes to heaven or hell based completely on personal actions. He personally believes he will go to heaven because he's done "[[Common Questions#Answered 01/01/10|a lot of good deeds]]". Likewise, he feels that [[homos]] are almost certainly bound to go to hell, and need to turn straight to "[[Mailbag 18#In which Chris believes he has magic powers (srsly)|better their chances of going to heaven]]". He has also stated numerous times that he feels [[Clyde Cash|various]] [[Jack Thaddeus|trolls]] are bound for hell for making fun of people over the internet. He has suggested that they [[To Clyde and Jack|commit suicide]] so that they might receive their eternal punishment faster.

Additionally, Chris [[Mailbag 21#Chris gets a call from The Doctor|believes in the concept of reincarnation]], common in Hinduism and other Eastern religions, though he has yet to offer any criteria for what might cause someone to be reincarnated. While reincarnation was and to some extent is still embraced by a few Christian sects, Chris himself realizes none of this.

==Concept of sin==
{{quote|But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...|Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:44}}

{{quote|I PRAY TO GOD AND JESUS TO [[Death threats|KILL]] [[Jason Kendrick Howell|JASON KENDRICK HOWELL]]|Chris, [[Sonichu Girls]] Forum}}

{{quote|HAVE A GOD DAMN HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MOMENT YOU READ THIS MESSAGE, YOU GOD DAMN BITCHING WHORE!|E-mail from Chris to [[Vivian]]}}

Other than vehemently opposing [[homos]], [[trolls]] and [[jerkop]]s, Chris seems to have little notion about the nature of sin and evil except that people who do things he doesn't like should go to hell. This is completely at odds with the part of Christian philosophy that states all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and anyone who repents his sins will be redeemed.

Chris's understanding of Christian theology is extremely limited, and he does not seem to know anything about the Bible (although he apparently owns a copy of the New International Version). His homophobia had nothing to do with the prohibitions on homosexuality in the Old Testament, which he was unaware of until he heard about it from ''[[Family Guy]]''. His [[Fapcup|aversion to "spilling his seed"]] and his [[recycling|dedication to the unborn]] have absolutely no basis in Biblical passages condemning sexual immorality and abortion.

When Chris gave in to temptation and cybered with [[Vanessa Hudgens]] in violation of his monogamous relationship with [[Ivy]], Chris made [[Matthew 5:27, CWC Confessions|a big production]] out of confessing his sin and seeking forgiveness. This suggests that he previously had little to no experience with the idea of repenting sins before God.

===Breaking all Ten Commandments===

The Ten Commandments are the foundation of all the Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam). Chris isn't a strict follower of these either, despite [[Mumble 8|calling them all out by name before an audience of trolls.]]

# '''"Thou shalt have no other gods before Me"''': While he claims to be devoted to GodJesus [[Chris and reality|in real life]], his [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|in-comic persona]] seems to be a full-blown God Mode Sue. Furthermore, he wears a [[Medallion of Fail]] around his neck, in the same place where TRUE and HONEST Christians commonly wear crosses. Also, it bears mentioning that he once erected a [[Megan Shrine|shrine for Megan.]]
# '''"Thou shalt not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above"''': The most common interpretation is that this commandment does not forbid drawing pictures of heavenly beings (seen above), but instead refers to the construction or fashioning of "idols" in the likeness of created things (beasts, fish, birds, people) and worshiping them. Chris seems to believe that either the [[Medallions of Fail]] or the [[Amnyfest Ring]] are the source of [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|supernatural powers]], in direct violation of this commandment. Furthermore, his borderline obsessive habit of [[Pok%C3%A9walker_of_Fail|altering]] [[PSP of Fail|everything]] [[Wii Remote of Fail|he]] [[Attraction Sign|owns]] [[Son-chu#Vanity_plate|with]] the likeness of himself and/or his character [[Sonichu]] may also be a violation, since he apparently reveres his own fictional character over his love of God. It was also revealed that he not only made a Lego figurine in the image of God, but is also contemplating "torturing" it as well.
# '''"Thou shalt not swear falsely by the name of thy Lord"''': Chris has repeatedly cited the name of God when making outrageous claims about what he intends to do, whether it be to get back at [[trolls]], or to find a potential [[sweetheart]], regardless of whether or not he actually succeeds in meeting these unrealistic expectations. He also says "goddamn" a lot too.
# '''"Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy"''': As noted above, the Sabbath is almost exclusively observed by Jews rather than Christians, but it is still pretty likely that Chris has broken this commandment by "going to work" (making his comics, which he intends to make money off of) on Saturday. A more straight-up example would be the countless times that he has neglected going to church on Sunday, the Christian sabbath. Also, it's pretty unlikely that God would like Chris choosing a Sunday to engage in adulterous, pre-marital sex, which directly breaks one of His other Commandments (see "Thou shalt not commit adultery" below.)
# '''"Honor thy [[Bob Chandler|father]] and thy [[Barbara Chandler|mother]]"''': Surprisingly, Chris has come pretty close to actually obeying this commandment. Not close enough, however, as Chris has been known to do [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|things]] [[Bob walks in|that]] [[Tomgirl|upset]] his parents. Recently, however, he clearly dishonored his ailing mother by getting her in [[28 October 2011|severe legal troubles]] over a matter that was his own fault, and due to the circumstances, she fared worse off than him (she faced two felony charges whereas Chris only faced one.)
# '''"Thou shalt not kill"''': Hoo boy. Chris [[Death threats|seems to want to directly defy this commandment]]. Bonus points for actually praying to GodJesus to kill his enemies... and then repenting to GodJesus in the same breath. Alternatively, considering the revelation that he believes cartoon characters really exist, his actions in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] where he collapses a building full of people, killing at least a hundred people for relatively minor slights gives him the biggest body count of the series. He came ''dangerously'' close in his in famous [[28 October 2011|run in with Michael Snyder]], where it was [[This is how the Trial went|revealed]] that he hit Snyder not once, but ''twice'' with his vehicle and attempted to flee afterwards instead of stopping.
# '''"Thou shalt not commit adultery"''': For a while, it seemed that Chris would have been following this commandment [[Virgin with Rage|for the rest of his life]]. Christians believe that this commandment states that they should avoid having any lustful thoughts, sex before marriage, etc. Figuratively, however, he broke this rule when he cybered with [[Vanessa Hudgens]] and had phone sex with [[Julie]]. In his [[comic]], his affair with [[Lovely Weather]] arguably counts as a form of adultery, as well, and even if it doesn't, his subsequent affair with Meg from ''[[Family Guy]]'' certainly does. Also, he clearly has [[Third date|no problem with]] [[F Abstinance|premarital sex in general]]. With the recent revelation that he may have lost his virginity in an apparent one night stand, though, it's pretty safe to say that this commandment has now been literally broken. Even if one is generous and says that this commandment only applies to infidelity, Chris still violated it because he attempted to cheat on [[Ivy]] with [[Vanessa Hudgens]], and also tried to get [[Kacey]] to cheat on [[Liquid Chris|Liquid]] with him.
# '''"Thou shalt not steal"''': If [[Chris and Copyright|plagiarism]] counts, he may as well be sitting in the Devil's lap. He has stolen money from his parents to purchase games on PSN and he even purposely wrote a bad check to Joshua for a PSP. Also, one could argue that he is guilty of stealing [[monthly tugboat|your taxpayer dollars.]] However, some scholars argue that this commandment actually means ''Thou shalt not kidnap'', which Chris hasn't done... yet. Watch your back, ladies.
# '''"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"''': Chris has been known to [[Lie|bend the truth]] in order to make himself look good and to defame [[Jerkops|other]] [[Mary Lee Walsh|people]], if his [[Sub-Episodes|comics]] are any indicator. This was especially prevalent within the [[Alec Benson Leary]] saga. Some interpret this commandment as not being against falsehood in general, but against lies that hurt other people. However, even by this generous interpretation, Chris is a sinner because he has accused [[Michael Snyder]] of [[pedofork|child molestation]], something which could easily ruin his life if anybody believed him.
# '''"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods"''': Arguably the one he is most guilty of breaking. As noted in the Seven Deadly Sins, Chris has shown to be extremely resentful to other people who win prizes, be they [[Adam Stackhouse|video games]], [[Honor Roll|art awards]], or [[JERKS|girlfriends]]. It should also be noted that the original passage in the Bible specifically forbids the coveting of your [[Liquid Chris|neighbor]]'s [[Kacey|wife]], which would be a bit redundant considering #7.

==Chris and Forgiveness==

A major tenet in most any religion you can think of is the act of forgiveness. Unfortunately for Chris, he has [[Autism|no idea of what forgiveness really is]], and will often hold grudges against [[Clyde Cash|anybody]] [[Michael Snyder|he]] feels has wronged him, [[Greene County Conspiracy|sometimes even for years]]. While some may argue that he did show [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha_Retraction|forgiveness]] in a few of his videos, even more will argue that such things were done either under an [[China|ulterior motive]] or is meaningless as [[Facebook#Maniacal_Laughter_from_Who_now.3F_Oh.2C_wait.2C_It_Is_ME.21_.3E8D|he goes on to curse and scream at them later on]].

[[This is how the Trial went|During his trial]] on July 10th, 2012, it was discovered that Michael Snyder made a plea that Chris be shown leniency, as a felony was a life-changing event that could really harm Chris in the long run. This comes despite Chris [[The_GAMe_PLACe#Chris.27s_attitude_at_The_GAMe_PLACe|scaring his customers away]], ''(while he was still allowed in the store)'', [[Michael_Snyder_is_ColdHearted_and_Mean#Video|shouting racist slurs at him]], [[Autism_Tutorial_Part_3|making threats to burn down the store]], and [[28 October 2011|injuring him with his car]]. This was probably the most extraordinary form of forgiveness that anyone has ever shown towards Chris, even after the latter's horrible actions. Chris' show of gratitude was to go against all common sense and commit ''public slander'' in a court of law:

{{quote|I don't think that [[Michael Snyder|thieving liar]] deserves a [[Monthly tugboat|red cent]]!|Chris, [[This is how the Trial went]]}}

Long story short, Chris does not forgive, nor does he forget.

==Chris and Blasphemy==

Blasphemy is defined as showing contempt towards God. Though Chris has been faithful to God ''(the word being used VERY loosely here)'', there were a couple of notable instances where he openly defied his will as preached by the church. One instance had him release a video called [[F Abstinence]], where he announced his plans to yell "FUCK ABSTINENCE!" in his church ''(it is unknown if he actually did follow through with this, but what is known is that he was banned from the church for some reason between 2011 and 2013.)'' Later on, [[Other_documents#Epistle_to_the_Wesley_Memorial_United_Methodist_Church|a letter leaked on March 2013]] seems to indicate that Chris has turned his back on the church of the Big Man Upstairs, and stops a hair short of outright calling Him a troll:

{{quotebox|1=
**Please Print (in multiples) and Share This Message with EVERYBODY at Church**

I, Christian Weston Chandler, will not be attending church for a long time.

I feel that ever since Reverend Elizabeth Foss left our church, it has greatly gone downhill for me. Ed Winkler Banned me from the church for a month. He has Banned me from Speaking my peace during the Sharing of Joys and Concerns, and from that, I have felt unnecessarily Silenced. I also feel my meetings with Rocky no longer have much effect on me or my life. My life continues to be at a disappointing standstill of sadness, loneliness and great stress. Only the people way older than me ever do so much as greet me, and I have very little to share in common with any of them. Nobody even close to my age, or even in their twenties, gives me much to do, or include me in their conversations.

Aside from that, I am hated by a number of people for [[Autism|reasons beyond my full understanding]], because I always tried to be a [[Death Threats|good]] [[Homos#Hatred_of_homos|and]] [[Kill De Jack|nice]] person for a long time. And in public, I am constantly overlooked, ignored or ostracized by Everybody. Even speaking out gets me absolutely no attention. I continue to be paranoid of most everyone, because of [[Chris and Reality|them likely being among the Internet Trolls that still continue to haunt and taunt me]]. I am still long desperate for a woman to be my [[Sweetheart]]. I am tired of being single, dang it. I continue to serve my family the best I can, and [[Chris_and_his_Ego#Fishing_For_Sympathy|I continue to feel sad, depressed and lonely]]. My heart feels numb, and I am forced to keep a great emotional distance from Everybody outside my house and home. I am an autistic mental and emotional mess, and there is very little I can do to help myself, beyond my knowledge. '''And God sees fit for some (hate-filled) reason to continue to curse me as a jinx.'''

And, so, the church is not helping me much in my life, mentally, or emotionally, at all. So I will not be coming back for a long time.

Sent from my iPhone

Stay Safe,

Christian W. Chandler
}}

Long story short, Chris feels that God has decided to play [[Kick the Autistic]], and had made the decision to pass these letters insulting Him to the congregation, possibly in a bid to fish for sympathy.

In email from 1 [[May 2013]], he goes as far as telling that he sometimes feels "emptation towards destroying the Lego Minifigure I have made in an image of God, or otherwise just torturing it".
{{quotebox|1=
Hey, Kim. I have just read over some of the webpage Phil relayed to me. I must admit, and Amy is welcome to read this as well, it took me by surprise seeing the words "Magick" and "Pagan" in this religion(?).

I like magic(k). I have fully accepted Jesus as my savior. And my mother, father, and what I've hear on television, all have informed me about heaven, hell, that the best way to live is as one does without much regret or with moderate acceptance and happiness. And that "God" is within all of us, as energy and direction. And in the end, we all believe in the same God(ess). Yet also, if God is supposed to love us all, why does he let me continue to have a Lot of downs in my life? I often feel temptation towards destroying the Lego Minifigure I have made in an image of God, or otherwise just torturing it. I admit, I am not perfect.

But I prattle or digress.

So, all things considered, Amy, I will be most willing to try your way on, and see how I feel fully about it after. The way I figure it, at least I can still go to my church regardless. :)

Sent from my iPhone Stay Safe, Christian W. Chandler
}}

However, email reveals that his relationship with God is somewhat complicated, but this is a matter either of hypocrisy or just [[Slow-in-the-minds|inability]] to see the contradiction in his beliefs. Also, he doesn't want to quit going to the church, while holding kinda pantheistic view of God and even considering trying another religion (which is something suggested to him by [[gal-pal]] and we can as yet speculate what is it).

==Chris the Shaman==
{{quote|The spirit of Patti will have his soul for dinner tonight! She will be haunting your nightmares, Mr. Leary.|Chris, [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke]]}}

{{quote|1) "Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha" - Placing Bad Luck and Extreme Misfortune on all of those who give me grief or hate. 2) "Forgiveness Blessing" - Cures all ailments of virus or physical qualities. 3) "Hono" - Makes Gays, regardless of gender, become Straight; NEVER to be gay EVER Again. 4) "Peaceful Teaching" - Quells all disputes and disagreements within a 1000 mile radius, and turns all weaponry into dust. 5) "Come to me, my Women" - Locates and attracts 18 to 30-year old single women within a 5-mile radius.|Chris's terrifyingly insane list of "spells", [[Mailbag 23#Chris and the dark arts|Mailbag 23]]}}
[[Image:Ickeriss medallions.jpg|thumb|right||The Medallions serve as Chris's connection to the spirit realm.]]

{{quote|I pray the soul of my father gives you all nightmares|Chris on using the spirits of the dead}}

Despite his professed Christianity, Chris's beliefs and behaviors almost tend towards a sort of shamanistic mindset, where God is a force to be controlled and the universe can be influenced by various mystic rituals. In Chris's case, he seems to believe that his tirades and tantrums will somehow affect the trolls who torment him. His attacks on the [[Clown Doll]], for instance, are a metaphorical threat, but also suggest an attempt at somehow literally harming the trolls through [[Wikipedia:sympathetic magic|sympathetic magic]], like a voodoo doll. He views his revenge against his enemies in the comic or in ''[[Soul Calibur]] III'' as being equivalent to actual revenge, rather than simply venting.

The world of [[CWCville]] is also a spirit realm, where Chris is almighty and can create and shape it as he pleases due to his power of "creativity". It exists outside, but parallel, to the real world, and sometimes Chris seems to honestly believe that it's a real place, even if it's just imaginary. This idea of the spirit realm became more valid when, in a [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|video]], Chris claimed that the soul of his [[Patti Chandler|dead dog]] (now [[Patti-Chan|living in CWCville]]) would devour Alec Benson Leary's soul and haunt his [[dreams]].

While Chris has used the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] in reality, he never took it too seriously, at least until he used it on [[Liquid Chris]] in a video. With the "kidnapping" of Liquid, he then realized that he had "the power" to actually curse people. He also developed a new ability to bless people via the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction|Forgiveness Blessings]] skill. He honestly seems to believe that these powers are real, even stating in one video that if it works, then he knows he has "the power." GaoGaiGar fans then promptly wanted to hit Chris for his abuse of [[Wikipedia:The_King_of_Braves_GaoGaiGar_glossary#.22THE_POWER.22_and_Jupiter-X|ZA POWER]]. Chris later stated in a music video that if people antagonize him, they will be cursed, but if you're TRUE and HONEST, you will receive blessings.

[[Image:thoushaltnotsufferacwctolive.JPG|thumb|left||Thou shalt not suffer a CWC to live.]]
Chris ought to be aware that his sorcery is not merely atypical of a Christian, but in fact explicitly proscribed by his faith. [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians%205:19-20&version=KJV Galatians 5:19-20] lists witchcraft as one of the more blatant acts of sin, whilst in the Old Testament, [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+22%3A18&version=KJV Exodus 22:18] commands "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live". That's right, there's a Biblical mandate for Chris's death (and though there is some debate as to whether or not the original terms used refers only to harmful spellcasters, Chris has repeatedly attempted to curse people with things like death and haunting for very petty reasons). Alec Benson Leary, in one of his [[Alec Benson Leary Phone Call 8|phone calls]] with Chris, attempted to point out the thoroughly un-Christian nature of Chris's dabbling in black magic, but his reasoning appeared to have little effect.

Of course, it is important to remember, even if he did convert to a shamanistic faith, chances are most groups would kick him out just as quickly. Cursing people is one of the few things Wiccans and neo-Pagans are forbidden from doing (at least without good reason), and most all groups would look down upon his general idiocy and his dabbling into powers [[Slow-in-the-minds|beyond his comprehension]] – not to even mention the fact that neo-Pagans often take a dim view on people who get into religious groups [[Chris and sex#Moral basis on sex and double standards|just to get sex]], without comprehending the philosophy. No matter what, Chris will likely be hated for being an [[Chris and his Ego|egotistical]], [[Women's rights|sexist]], [[Chris and race|racist]], failure.

For all we know, Chris will one day start popping magic mushrooms and writing comics based on that, which many agree would be a huge improvement on his current work.

==Delusions of Godhood?==
{{quote|Fear not. For behold I bring tidings of great joy.|Sonichu, [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]]}}
{{quote|I prayed for forgiveness from the real Christian. Sonichu, will he forgive me?|Aspie Sonichu, [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]]}}
[[Image:Issue 10 Pg 48.jpg|thumb|Sonichu cracks open his tomb and descends in a beam of light.]]
Starting on page 42 of [[Sonichu 10|issue #10]], Chris displays a somewhat disturbing twist to the plot (such as it is) of his comics. [[Ultra Sonichu]] frees [[Zelina Rosechu]] from her stoned state using his Chaotic powers, then appears to [[Darkbind Sonichu]] with a message similar in tone, if not outright text, to prophecies of the coming of Jesus Christ (complete with arms outstretched as if he were suspended on a crucifix).

Later on in the issue, Ultra Sonichu travels to the world of [[Asperchu]], where the characters of that comic inform him that they were forced into their roles by Alec, and that they had been praying to Christian Weston Chandler for deliverance and forgiveness. Lo and behold, Chris did send the Messiah Sonichu to end their suffering. Sonichu uses the "Chaotic Remedy" to miraculously cure them all of their [[Asperger syndrome]] (even though only Asperchu himself had the condition) and gives them new names and new, "better" looks.

It should be noted that, like Jesus Christ, [[Sonichu]] was born to a [[virgin with rage|virgin]].

Even before this, Chris had directly compared himself to God. In Issue #7, after Christian is lost in the Time Void, [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_7/Page_32 Sonichu says this].

{{quote|In the meantime, he will receive the [[Chris and English|accumilitive]] memories of the passing moments, so in a way, he is looking down on us, like our Lord and God are able to, but the vision may be blurred.|[[Sonichu]], [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]]}}

Possibly in response to criticism about acting as God, in [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Issue_10/Page_62 later pages] Chris addressed the issue of the non-canon chaotic combo worshiping him in an incredibly ignorant manner. First, he declares that he is not God but "a servant of him and Jesus", and immediately after goes on to "forgive" Michael (the copycat Sonichu's made-over name) for "baring false witness against <nowiki>[Chris]</nowiki>", as if he has the authority to forgive the breaking of the ten commandments, ''like he's God or something.'' In addition, only five pages later [[Angelica]] condemns those who prefer [[Asperchu|Alec]]'s artwork over Chris's as "blasphemous".<ref>[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=File:SchuComic10P66.jpg Issue 10, page 66]</ref>

Further evidence of Chris's blossoming God complex comes through his answer to some of the frequently asked questions that were put to him via the [[Mailbag]], where he states that he considers Sonichu to have over a billion fans.<ref>[[Common Questions]]</ref> The only other fictional character who can claim such a number is GodJesus (or AllahMuhammad). This mad fuckery is compounded by the fact that Chris is like a God to Sonichu; this means that his opinion of himself is that of a God's God. Or maybe a [[Christopher's name change|God's bear]]. Chris moves in mysterious ways.

In his e-mails to [[Reggie Fils-Aimé]] he seems to call himself Jesus: ''"You have my word as an Avid Gamer, Lamb of God, and Humble Human Being that I WILL work Very Hard to Save, Save, Save."''<ref>[[Reggie Fils-Aimé]]</ref> However, this could also be a [[Chris and English|malapropism]] for "Word of God."

Chris might have developed a God complex as early as [[2000]], as the halo floating over his head on the cover of ''[[Christian's Favorite Hits!]]'' seems to indicate.
{{clear}}

==Chris and other faiths==
Given his sheltered existence in the heart of the suburban American South, Chris probably hasn't had much direct exposure to anything but mainstream brands of Protestantism. When his "fans" asked him for his feelings on other religions during an [[IRC (28 December 2008)|IRC chat]], he glossed over the question and simply reiterated his own unthinking statement of faith. At other times, his comments have been scattered and inconsistent.

===Other Christian churches===
Chris has described "[[Wikipedia:Mormonism|Mormans]]" [sic] as not being datable.<ref>[[MySpace messages]]</ref> He has never explained why, but he may have learned through [[Anna McLerran]] that Mormons typically don't date non-Mormons.

[[Angelica]] is a [[Wikipedia:Catholic Church|Roman Catholic]], raised by [[Wikipedia:Nun#Catholic|nuns]]. However, she is still a huge slut without any opposition to premarital sex.

===Judaism===
"[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story]]" reveals that Chris has some awareness of [[Wikipedia:Judaism|Judaism]], probably picked up from watching ''[[South Park]]''. He appears to not understand that Jews and [[Wikipedia:Buddhism|Buddhists]] don't celebrate [[Christmas]], at least not the religious aspects of it. However, in the way he wrote it, it is unknown if he's implying that Christians, [[Hanukkah|Jews]] and [[Christmas#Jolly Buddah (sic)|Buddhists]] go to the same place of worship, or if he's saying they go to separate places of worship and calls them "churches" because his vocabulary is heavily lacking.<ref>In fact, in [[BlueSpike Skype Logs 13#09-02-27|one chat]] Chris has referred to what was most likely a synagogue as a "Jewich Church".</ref> In [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean]], Chris is being blatantly anti-Semitic by "just throwing it out there" that he thinks Snyder is Jewish, and uses "Jew" as an insult (which he also got from ''South Park''). [[Some Favored Comedians]] is a thinly-veiled furious backpedaling attempt in which he rambles on and on about how he respects Jewish comedians like [[Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]].

===Islam===
In a CWCipedia [[Chris-Chan_(CWCipedia)#Chris-Chan_the_Moralf.2A.2A|article]], he strongly hints at feeling great hatred towards Muslims. Although the article primarily exists to deny various accusations trolls have made about him, he does not deny being a "prolific hater of all things not Christian".<ref>[[Chris-Chan (CWCipedia)]]</ref>

===Scientology===
On 28 [[December 2009]], Chris wrote a blog entry telling [[Jack Thaddeus]] to get out of the closet and "Go Into F***ing Scientology".<ref>[[CWC Blog]]</ref> Following this comment Chris was asked to elaborate his thoughts on Scientology; he said that he neither agrees with it nor disapproves of it.<ref>[[Mailbag 52#Master of diplomacy at work|Mailbag 52]]</ref>

===Atheism===
[[Vivian Gee]]'s belief in [[Wikipedia:Taoism|Taoism]], a non-theistic religion, seemed to be a concept he couldn't process.<ref>[[Vivitheg's AIM chat]]</ref>

He doesn't think much of atheists, but even there Chris has a hard time articulating his opinion. When Vivian asked him to explain why he dislikes them, he said, "I don't know, but I do know that they are not believers of God and Jesus."<ref>[[Vivitheg's AIM chat]]</ref> It's even harder for atheists to try and take [[GodJesus]] seriously enough to believe in them when Chris goes around boasting about having the deities on his side as though they were his personal avengers. When asked "You often attempt to scare your [[troll]]s by stating they will go to hell. Some of your trolls do not believe in hell, what do you have to say to them?" by [[Thorg]] in [[Common_Questions#09_January_2010|Common Questions 9 Jan 2010]], his response was:

{{quote|Firstly, it is NOT a "scare tactic", [[Chris and reality|IT IS FACT]]. And second, I say "Well, Believe it or not. You are Not Dead Yet".}}

While it might hurt your brain trying to translate that second line from autism to English, Chris is trying to say that Hell exists but we haven't experienced it yet because we're still alive. In the [[List of OkCupid Answers|OkCupid]] answers, Chris stated that he would not date an atheist. On the other hand, [[The Wallflower]] told Chris in one of her e-mails that she had no religion,<ref>[[Wallflower E-mails]]</ref> which would most likely classify her as either an atheist or an agnostic. As the rest of the correspondence shows, Chris was not bothered by her lack of faith and [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|continued to pursue her]].

In [[Calling Out]] videos, Chris gives "pizza-faced atheist" as [[Thorg]]'s defining characteristic, with a heretofore unseen vitriol. Then in a later video, he attacks atheism with arguments so silly that even a straw man fundamentalist wouldn't use them, and that's saying something.

{{quote|But... I would certainly not want to be an atheist, 'cause if I don't have [[GodJesus|God or Jesus]] at my- by my side, I would be more lost than I was considerably beforehand! Atheists are the [[Beel|Devil]]'s spawning, as it would seem! ...And I would certainly would not want to be amrong- amongst them when they are run out of town with the pitchforks and the [[Chris and English|hace]] and the fire! As a believer... I would either be a [[Chris and Anger|peacem- I would more likely be a peacemaker]], but I certainly wouldn't mind being one with the pitchfork, following the crowd and pushing the atheist out of town!}}

When Chris [[Exposed - Jeremy Slonwhite of Vancouver, BC Canada‎|exposed Thorg]], his reasoning for wanting people to troll Thorg instead of him devolve from "because he's trolling me" to "because he's an 'evil' atheist". The video was removed because it was declared hate speech.

Chris's half-brother [[Cole Smithey]] is also an atheist.<ref>[[Cole Smithey E-mails]]</ref>

==Sources==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Angelica Rosechu]]
*[[Dreams]]
*[[Christmas]]
*[[Christian's name change|GodBear]]
*[[Grace Baptist Church]]
*[[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]]

==External links==
*[http://store.engrish.com/godjest.html Buy your own GodJesus T-shirt here]
{{Not_Jerks}}
{{Chris and}}

Chris and writing

2013-01-06T22:07:17Z

Hemlock: /* Plot and Drama */

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:395-HowThePKMNCame.jpg|thumb|right|[[Audiobooks|Look at that cover, goddamn]]]]

[[Chris]]'s '''writing''' is marked by many flaws that have persisted throughout his creative output.

== General problems ==
: ''See also: [[Chris and art]], [[Sonichu (comic)]]''

Chris's writing shows a juvenile, [[Slow-in-the-minds|simple]] writing style. Like many elementary school kids, Chris frequently pauses from the action to [[Autism|describe exactly what a character is wearing]] and [[Sonichu 8|expound upon trivial aspects of characters]] in unnecessary detail. This is counterbalanced by frequently [[Evan|glossing over things]] that may [[Sonichu Balls|have relevance at some point]]. Sometimes Chris would interrupt an action scene to introduce something that is completely irrelevant to its context.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_0/Page_44 Issue 0 Page 44]</ref> Its overall presentation is consistently sloppy, marked by unwieldy turns of phrase and elementary typographical errors that suggest that Chris does not proofread anything he creates before putting it on the Internet.

Chris produces no preparatory writing of any sort for his stories, content to make them up as he goes along and putting the overall narrative at the mercy of his moods and fancies. He regularly changes his mind as to what the story should be and contradicts what has come before as he pleases, unable to comprehend why this would bother his audience.

=== Exposition ===
[[File:SchuComic10P3.jpg|thumb|If only there was some way that events and actions could be depicted visually, rather than as endless and tedious walls of [[Comic Sans]].]]
[[File:SchuComic10P65.jpg|thumb|For fuck's sake.]]
{{quote|Fifteen minutes of dialogue, and transformation, later...|[[Sonichu 9|Chris, not even trying anymore]]}}

As a writer, Chris is over-reliant upon exposition, to the point that some works (such as [[The High School Story]]) contain nothing else. Chris does not like to illustrate facts of his stories through example, and instead expects the reader to accept his every word as gospel, leaving no room for interpretations that are not [[TRUE and HONEST]]. Confusing dialogue for exposition, Chris believes that his level of exposition is normal in mainstream comics.<ref>[[Mailbag 19#Textwalling|Mailbag 19]]</ref>

In addition, Chris critically fails at the literary element "show don't tell" even in illustrated action scenes, choosing instead to describe what a character is doing between two asterisks. (The worst offenders are *CUTS VINES*, *CRASH TO GRASS*,<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_9/Page_52 Issue 9 Page 52]</ref> *TELEPORTS IN*, and *MAKES GUN DO A 180*.) Apparently even he knows that his shit art is too unclear to convey an idea properly without an additional description.

[[File:SchuComic1.jpg|thumb|right|[[Mary Lee Walsh]] threatens Chris and Sonichu with a "Hee Hee" attack, which most military analysts seem to agree is ''not'' a particularly potent or spine-chilling threat. [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]], however, is widely believed to destroy everything.]]

=== Characterization ===
: ''See also: [[Chris and art#Character design|Character design]]''

Chris's characters as they are written are distinguishable only by the vaguest surface elements. Chris's view of ideal personalities in men and women is clear to him, and because he wants all of his creations to be perfect, his characters are barely-distinct variations on a theme. Chris does not comprehend the appeal of characters with flaws. His main response to the criticism that his characters lack personality is denial.

The indistinct characterizations of the Sonichu cast are reflected in their dialogue. Chris does not use dialogue to suggest distinct personalities and worldviews. All characters are equally capable of speaking as Chris does, and from Chris's perspective. Including the [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Children|children]].

This in turn leads to only three basic stock personalities- all of the males are shallow bastards who are only interested in fucking and enforcing Comic-Chris's [[CWCville|draconian laws]], all of the females are shallow whores who only want to fuck, shop and cook (in that order, no less), and [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|Comic-Chris]] comes off as a murderous, insane dictator of a militaristic city-state enforced by a paramilitary secret police and a pack of [[Electric Hedgehog Pokemon|super-powered goons]] with immunity from [[Chris and the Law|prosecution]] and freedom to commit any [[Sonichu 10|atrocities]] they ([[Gun Comic|and he]]) please, utilising a [[Magi-Chan|psychic hedgehog]] to spy on his citizens to make sure there are no [[homos|gay people]], and gleefully revelling in the pain he inflicts on those whom he deems unworthy.

Consequentially, any attempt at character development fails miserably. Chris marks any change in character by indicating in exposition something akin to "it just happened." With [[Blake]], who arguably goes through the most stark change in character (an antagonist becoming a supporting character), there is absolutely no moral struggle or any build-up to the moment he "flips." His sudden infatuation with [[Bubbles]] and an equally sudden mention of mistreatment at the hands of his [[Naitsirhc|master]] are all the reader is given for why Blake changed sides. No reason is given for [[Wes Iseli]]'s defection to the enemy ''at all''.

===Dialogue===
Chris only uses dialogue as an expository device in his comics in the bluntest fashion possible. Chris feels the need to include extensive amounts of dialogue in his comic, resulting in textwalls that demand type so small that they often threaten to become illegible. Textwalling is Chris's preferred method of dictating the story as he means for it to be experienced by his reader. Chris has defended this practice due to feeling a "preference to elaborate, because [[Chris|some people]] [[Autism|rarely get visual references]]."<ref>[[Mailbag 19#Textwalling]]</ref> On a similar note, speech often includes hand-drawn emoticons to display what the speaker is feeling, affirming the notion that Chris doesn't believe that his artwork or dialogue alone can convey his ideas, in addition to his [[Autism|total ineptitude with emotions]].

=== Plot and Drama ===
Chris's [[Chris and reality#Fantasy and Fiction|confused understanding]] of reality and fantasy affects his ability to write captivating fiction. Because Chris considers his creations to be "alive" in some parallel universe, he finds that giving them artificially happy and uncomplicated lives is satisfying, and assumes that his [[True and Loyal Fanbase|TRUE and LOYAL fanbase]] shares this interest.

Chris seeks to avoid tension or suspense that would trouble his creations and his intended audience wherever possible. Thus, he is unwilling to depict his characters in peril that is convincing, and therefore, "real," and wants to pair them off early and dwell on their long, idyllic romances. Villains tend to put up laughably little challenge, and the protagonists usually win with a show of devastating and effortless force. Initially villains are allowed to posture about a little before Sonichu shows up to ruin their shit, but as the comic goes on and Chris comes into conflict with internet trolls, the battles become even ''shorter'' and ''less climactic'' for the sake of emphasis.

Similarly, previews and allusions to the future always emphasize victory over the forces of evil. A vision of the PVCC attacking CWCville ends with Chris saying "Good, we've won!" A preview for a next issue tersely concludes the only marginally dramatic plot arc: "Next issue I get out of the time void." His devotion to dismantling tension is such that in [[Sonichu 10]], Magi-Chan broke the fourth wall to prematurely reveal that he would eventually fall in love with Silvana, presumably so that readers would not have to worry about what would happen to them in the meantime. Even the worst writers would never use the words "spoiler alert" in one's own work (with experienced ones instead opting for foreshadowing), but Chris feels it necessary to spoil a yet-to-be-revealed plot point ''in his own comic''.

As you might guess, on top of everything else this makes the storyline for Sonichu '''unspeakably boring.'''

The actual plotting for Sonichu is problematic as well. As soon as Chris becomes uninterested in an idea he presents in his comic, he will resolve it in a quick and often unsatisfying manner. Characters once meant to enter the main cast, such as [[Ivy]], will then be killed off-panel so that Chris can proceed to his newest internet girlf... ahem, plotline of interest. Other narrative threads (such as [[Meg-chan]], [[Blanca]] or [[Jiggliami]]) can be forgotten and abandoned entirely with, if the reader is lucky, a sentence or two tying up the loose end.

When Chris adds something to a Sonichu comic due to the pressure of another party, he is known to make these additions unsatisfying on purpose for the parties requesting them. The most stupefying example may be the Time Void subplot. Written in after criticism that his alter-ego took up too much of the comic's time, Chris ''almost'' removes himself for ''almost'' two issues, and when it ends, it just so happens to leave him ready to indulge in the most self-servicing revenge fantasy yet.

=== Visual clarity ===
[[Image:SchuComic10P09.jpg|thumb|right|An example of Chris's mind-boggling ability to make a completely unreadable page, hosted by what appears to be [[Chris and Religion|Father Christmas and Chris with a beard.]]]]
[[Image:SchuComic9P92.jpg|thumb|left|Holy balls, try reading ''this''.]]
[[IMage:MSCPython.jpg|thumb|right|Witty banter is considerably less funny when it's blatantly ripped off ''and'' you have to follow the numbers.]]

Like many children, Chris is unconcerned with making his comics clear and easily read. Chris does not plan page layouts in advance, and instead draws panels one at a time, cramming however many he can onto the page and further harming his comic's visual clarity. He does not understand that word balloons and text boxes must be arranged left to right and top to bottom in the intended order in each panel, and that the panel's art must be set to accommodate that order. The dialogue flow in panels with multiple word balloons in Sonichu regularly must be pieced together from context clues by the reader. The worst example of this is seen below: Chris establishing a reading order by numbering lines of dialogue.

== Chris as a poet and lyricist ==
: ''See also: [[Chris and music]]''

{{quote|I’d lay her down caress her gently tickle her fancy; have her tickle my fancy, and give it to her with the learned lonely experience I’ve endured.|Chris, expertly stirring feelings of both mild disgust and confusion<ref>For My True Love, I Would…</ref>}}

In poem and lyric, Chris has a poor understanding of the anatomy of an appealing composition. He mistakes exceedingly saccharine language for the romantic. He also pads out gaps with [[random-access humor]] and [[I Love Lucy|curiously dated language]].

He has total disregard for proper meter, and rhymes are forced with odd terms (''Rosey, as often as birds tweet/will you be my lovely heartsweet?''<ref>[[Sonichu's Ode to Rosechu]]</ref>). Sometimes, these reaches don't even rhyme (''Heart-broken, sad and very lonely,/I may never remove my virginity.'')<ref>[[Saddest Heart in the World]]</ref>.

Not even the Bard of Avon is safe from Chris's fail. In [[Sub-Episode 3]], a famous line from ''[[wikipedia:Macbeth|Macbeth]]'' has a couplet of Chris's making tacked on to its end (I shatter hearts as I please! I hurt them hard with the greatest of ease!<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_4/Page_20 Issue 4 Page 20]</ref>), while [[Bubbles]] mutilates a line from the ''[[Wikipedia:The Tempest|The Tempest]]'' in ''[[Sonichu 8]]''.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_8/Page_95 Issue 8 Page 95] (paraphrasing Miranda's famous line, "O brave new world, That has such people in't!")</ref> Needless to say, the contrast is not that hard to see.

== Chris as a journalist ==
[[Image:199-newsdsh.jpg|left|thumb|"Yellow journalism" gone oh so horribly wrong]]

''[[Nintendo Power]]'' was a publication released by [[Nintendo]] about Nintendo products. It sought to inform video game enthusiasts anything they might want to know about Nintendo products, and how they should feel about them. It is easily Chris's single greatest journalistic influence. To this day, he seeks to plainly tell the masses what the truth is and how we should feel about it.

Chris's first notable work of journalism is his final project in high school, [[A Week With Christian Chandler]]. It is a prime example of Chris's understanding of [[honesty]]: the only thing that could reflect poorly on him in his mind was the omission of any fact. Here it would seem that Chris is unwilling to massage the truth because he had yet to experience disapproval of peers that concerned him as the reactions of Internet trolls would later.

Chris's next journalistic effort came in college with ''[[Sonichu's News Dash!]]'', which presumed that his person and daily life were of inherent reader interest.

== Chris as a blogger ==
Chris's blogging is a continuation of his ''News Dash!'' mentioned above. In a way, Chris's first and most frequently updated blog was [[CWC's Sonichu Site!‎|his web page]], in which he posted "updates" about his goings-on. The site, however, was not in what most people would consider a blog format. Instead, Chris stuck new updates wherever he could find new space that day, resulting an erratic and bizarre page layout.

He has also experimented with conventional blog formats, and the results are only marginally easier to read.

To this date Chris has had several actual blogs:
*[[PSN Blogs]]
*[[The OFFICIAL Sonichu & Rosechu Blog]]
*[[MySpace|A small MySpace Blog]]
*[[CWC Blog]]
*[[Twitter]]

The location may change, but the [[Autism|style is consistent and unmistakable]]. This may be linked to Chris not knowing exactly the purpose of a blog. Ideally, you're publishing your opinions and [[Love Quest|experiences]] in a group setting, allowing constant meaningful communication. While Chris has no problems [[CWCipedia|sharing intimate details about his life]], he doesn't seem to get the communicative part. Blogs are just another place for him to spew truth and [[honesty]].

Another, arguably more important fault is that '''Chris's blogs are fucking boring.''' Most bloggers realize that if you have to spew about your pathetic life, you'd better make it interesting. While Chris does release the occasional [[PSN Blogs#31 July 2007 16:37 — PaRappin Reviews of the Top 10!|laugh]], most entries are outright [[CWC Blog#24 August 2009|annoying]].

Arguably the most notable blog ever made by Chris was the infamous [[PSN Blogs#4 August 2007 — Adam Stackhouse!!!|Adam Stackhouse blog]]. Seething with [[anger]], Chris shows that — just like with [[Wikipedia]] — he doesn't want to contribute, but enforce his beliefs on anyone who will listen.

{{quote|In any case, I LOATHE Adam and his Sister for STEALING my one chance at taking my Sweet Gal-Friend to Seattle; it would have been terriffic. I might have even been able to change her outlook on not planning on having children (she and I are both virgins; although I am a FRUSTRATED, High-Functionally AUTISTIC, 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN. And I LOATHE Surybuchwald and Aprelewsky as well, because their MUSIC probably landed those [[JERKS]] in 2nd and 3rd.|Chris, demonstrating his able skills as net citizen}}

== Chris's reading habits ==

Anyone who wants to be a good writer must be well-read. It's one of the most natural ways to become acquainted with good style, the elements of a plot, and correct spelling. Chris's [[Chris and his ego|ego]] is so inflated that he thinks he can produce something [[Honor roll|brilliant]] with no effort whatsoever. The only books Chris has ever been seen reading are paperback ''Goosebumps'' and ''Fear Street'' novels which are notable only for their sheer mediocrity. Chris read these books, which were written for elementary schoolers, well into high school. During the [[Father Call]], Chris said that he read ''[[Wikipedia: To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]'' a month prior, which is almost certainly because it was assigned in [[Manchester High School|high school]]. This was almost instantly proven false when he confused it with ''Of Mice and Men'', another high school assignment.

== See also ==
* [[Chris and art]]
* [[Chris and English]]
* [[CWC's Diary]]
* [[R.L. Stine]]

== Sources ==
<references/>

{{Writings}}
{{Sonichu}}
{{Chris and}}

CWC Update 29 July 2009

2012-12-17T01:48:44Z

Hemlock:

In "'''CWC Update 29 July 2009'''" (officially "'''CWC Update 07292009'''" for the original video and its extended cut, "'''CWC Update 07292009-2'''" for the Spanish companion video), [[Chris]] explains that he is a [[troll]] trolling trolls. Note that he somehow grew his full goatee back instantly.

He would later replace the video with an extended version, which adds a close-up of his driver's license and Chris asking his viewers to read about the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]] on [[CWCipedia]], which he claims to be the new, official [[Sonichu]] website. Also of note is the addendum, in which Chris horribly mangles the language of Cervantes and infuriates many a speaker of the world's second language with most native speakers.

Chris posted [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=CWC_Speaks an article] on the CWCipedia that contains his TRUE and HONEST transcription and translation of his rant. To everyone's utter surprise, he fails at both.

==Video==

{{Infobox/video
| name = CWC Update 29 July 2009
| video = {{#ev:youtube|w5AokNuon50}}
| stardate = 29 [[July 2009]]
| style = {{Reason|text}}
| saga = {{Liquid|text}}
| shirt = {{RedShirt2|text}}, {{DenimJacket|text}}
| previous = [[CWC More Than A Feeling|CWC More than a Feeling]]
| next = [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]
}}

=== Transcript ===

Alright... [[Captain's Log]], Stardate: July 29th, 2009.

Let's get this over with right off the bat. Dispelling rumors and making a few points. There are NO official [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] merchandise yet. Whatever you're buying right now, it's fake, especially from the damn [[niggos|black]]—brown... brown striped [[CChanSonichuCWC|impostor]] posing as me. Ignore all [[YouTube]] videos portraying me in a wrong sense, especially if it is not on my TRUE YouTube account, this one: I-B-A Chandler! Portra—playing also playing off of my father's license plate... a little bit. I B Mr. C! Follow Mr. C's, I'm an important C. (?) Mr. Chandler. [[IBAChandler]].

And yes, it is true, [[Rollin' and Trollin'|I have called myself a troll]], because I am trolling my trolls back! So, in a sense, I am a troll to those trolls ONLY. I am not a troll to any of the TRUE, [[HONEST]] people out there. I just—because of the Internet, and whatnot, it's hard to tell the difference. So, if you're not a troll, and you know you're not, it does not apply to you. Otherwise, you know you're a troll. I'M TROLLIN' YOU BACK!

And... it's okay to be... [[autism|stupid]] sometimes. Stupid... [[It's UGH!|damn, dirty song!]] While it is NOT okay to be [[homos]]exual, I will let—I will personally not judge any individual of that... one trait. I am willing to be friends with homosexuals. And let me make it clear: I will NOT TOLERATE ANY FURTHER DAMN, DIRTY STUPID QUESTIONS QUESTIONING MY DANG ORIENTATION! I, CHRISTOPHER "CHRISTIAN" WESTON CHANDLER, AM STRAIGHT! Have good faith... in me. And... to all my loyal, true [[trolls|viewers, fans everybody]]: you will be rewarded.

I leave that with you. Peace, and have a good day.

==Extended version==
{{Infobox/video
| name = CWC Update 29 July 2009 (Extended)
| video = {{#ev:youtube|bSObbKWYmBE}}
| stardate = 29 [[July 2009]]
| style = {{Reason|text}}
| saga = {{Liquid|text}}
| shirt = {{RedShirt2|text}}
| previous = [[CWC More Than A Feeling|CWC More than a Feeling]]
| next = [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]
}}

=== Transcript ===

Alright. Captain's Log, Stardate: July 29th, 2009.

Let's get this over with, right off the bat. Dispelling... rumors. And making a few points. [''looks at a piece of paper, apparently with his notes''] There are no... official... Sonichu or Rosechu merchandise yet. Whatever you're buying, right now, it's FAKE, especially from the damn black—brown—brown-STRIPED impostor posing as me. [''looks back at paper''] And I can best prove who I am. [''moves away from camera, but comes closer to it and shoves his face in the camera''] CLOSE UP. ZOOMING in on ME. [''shoves driver's license into the camera, mumbles''] With... my driver's license... with the customer number censored. [''flips the license around''] Can you copy FRONT and BACK? FRONT and BACK? [''turns it to its side''] THICKNESS? [''flips to the back''] Front... [''flips back to the front''] Front reflective Virginia... Can you see it? [''pulls license away and shoves his face back in''] I think... [''dramatic glasses removal''] ...not.

I think not. [''flashes license again'']

[''steps back into proper frame, reads off of paper'']

Ignore all YouTube videos portraying me in a wrong sense. Especially if it's not on my true YouTube account, this one, '''''IBA'''Chandler''. Portray—playing—also playing off my father's license plate. Little bit. I be Mr C. A lot of Mr. C's... I'm an important C.: Mr. Chandler. I be a Chandler.

[''looks back at paper'']

And yes, it is true: I have called myself a troll because I'm trolling my trolls back, so, in a sense, I am a troll to those trolls only. I am NOT a troll to any of the other TRUE and HONEST people out there. [''replaces glasses''] I just—because of the internet and whatnot, it's hard to tell the difference. So, if you are not a troll, and you know you're not, this does not apply to you. Otherwise, if you know you're a troll... [''shrugs, then points dramatically''] I'M TROLLING YOU BACK! [''points and goes to say something, but doesn't'']

AND... it'sokaytobestupids. [''he says this fast and softly, then mumbles''] ...That damn, dirty song. [''looks at paper, ponders.''] While it's NOT okay to be homosexual, I will not j—I will not personally judge any individual [''removes glasses again, and starts reading off the paper''] ...that one trait. I am willing to be friends with the homosexuals. And let me make it clear: [''drops glasses, lifts finger''] I will not tolerate '''any more damn, dirty, stupid question my dang orientation'''! I, Christopher Christian Weston Chandler, am STUH-RAIGHT! Have good faith in me.

And to all my True, Loyal viewers, fans, everybody. You will be rewarded. Look up the history of the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens for one, a full, extended story from. My. Head. And my hands, typed. On the new, the official, as of 2009, the new s—the official s—CWC's Sonichu and Rosechu Site.

I will leave that with you. Peace, and have a good day.

==Addendum==

In this video, Chris horribly mangles the Spanish language. There are a total of 18 jump cuts in this 193-second video, suggesting that rather than speaking Spanish as a second language, he simply wrote a script based on his limited knowledge and consulted it after every sentence, hoping no one would notice.

{{Infobox/video
| name = CWC Update 29 July 2009 (Addendum)
| video = {{#ev:youtube|9M4sHq3Y0KM}}
| stardate = 29 [[July 2009]]
| style = {{Smug|text}}
| saga = {{Liquid|text}}
| shirt = {{GreenWhiteStripe|text}}
| previous = [[CWC More Than A Feeling|CWC More than a Feeling]]
| next = [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]
}}

=== Transcript ===

====Original====

''Captain's Log, Stardate: May(?) 29th, 2009''

¡AY! Impostor en rayas de marrón. [''cut''] Yo tenía dos años de español en mi escuella secundaria, Manchester High. Con mi señora bonita. [''cut'']

Y yo recibe durante los clases [''cut''] el apodo que yo use para mi Internet, RICARDO, mi nombre fue Ricardo en las clases de español. [''cut''] Recuerde el es- el Pokésite de R.W.C [''the W is pronounced ''doble ve'' like in Spain''] con ''CWC Pokésite 2'', ''CWC's Bionicle site'', ''CWC's Hot Wheels site'', ''the original CWC Sonichu site''. [''cut'']

Yo voy a hácer una apuesta. Que tu, el impostor, no graduaste desde [''high pitch''] TU escuela secundaria. ¡En serio! [''cut''] Yo, el verdad, Christopher Christian "Ricardo" Weston Chandler, [''cut''] no solamente me gradue de Manchester High con mi TITÚLO [shows degree, then puts it down]. Mi titúlio de ''basketball'' en mi fi- en mi año de ''freshman'' [''shows his basketball degree, proceeds to put it down'']. ¡Stúpido! TU ERES STUPIDO. [''cut'']

No solamente con ellos, pero con mis puntos de ''[[HONOR ROLL]]''. ¡Bueño! [''cut'']

¿Y como fue escribe en los cómicos de Sonichu [''feels his badge''], Rosechu y yo? [''semi-gangster expression''] ¡Yo! [''cut'']

Yo fue a Piedmont Virginia Community College para mi—[''cut''] Para mi título y certificado para ''COMPUTA EDIT DRAFTING AND DEZAIN''. [''shows both certificates, and the second one seems to have some Chris-chan Sonichu & Megan art''] [''cut'']

Que yo diplomade muy bueño y recibe en... ''June, 2006''. [''guess he never learned how to say dates in Spanish''] [''cut'']

¿Donde está tu titúlo de Manchester High? Tu titúlo de Piedmont de t—¿Tu certificado de Piedmont de ''Computer-Ai—drafting & design''?

¿Donde están? [''cut''] Tu no tienes. [''dramatic glasses removal''] Tu no tienes. ¿VERRRRDAD?

Tu no tienes, yo tiene. Yo soy el verdad Christopher Christian "Ricardo" Weston Chandler. Entonces, POR FAVOR. Para todo el—todos los veces en el futuro y ahora. [''hand gestures''] [''cut''] ¡Dejar de este juego maldito! Impostor, tonto y estúpido. [''homo pose''] [''cut'']

También. Me presente. Responde en español bueño. [''because your Spanish is excellent, Ricardo''] ¿Si no que bueño? Tu no eres el verdad. Tu eres el impostor. [''cut'']

¿Responde en Íngles? No es bueño. No es bueño, tonto impostor en rayas de marrón. [''cut'']

Paz.

====English translation====

Captain's Log, Stardate May(?) 29th, 2009

Aye! The impostor in brown stripes! I have two years of Spanish in my secondary school, Manchester High, with my pretty lady.

And during class I received the nickname I use on the Internet "Ricardo". Ricardo, my name in Spanish is Ricardo. Remember the Pokésite of RWC with CWC Pokésite 2 CWC Bionicle site and original Sonichu site.

I'm gonna bet you impostor that you didn't graduate from your high school. Really? I the real Christian Ricardo Weston Chandler not only did I graduate from Manchester High School [''shows his high school diploma''] with my diploma. My basketball diploma from my freshman year [''shows his stupid diploma''] Stupid.... You are stupid!

Not only with them but with my honor roll points, good!

And how was it that I wrote the comedians [''translator's note: He actually says comedians, instead of comics''] of Sonichu Rosechu and me?

I went to PVCC for my title, certificate of CADD [''shows a couple of diplomas, and second one of the them with his stupid Chris-chan drawing holding Megan''] I received a very good diploma in June 2006.

Where is your title from Manchester High? Where is your certifica...—your certificate from PVCC for CADD? WHERE ARE THEY? You don't have them.... You don't have them, right?

You don't have them; I have them. I am the real Christopher "Christian" "Ricardo" Weston Chandler. So, please, for eve... for all time in the future and now. Leave this damned game, you stupid dumb impostor.

Also, please respond in good Spanish, if not good? You are not real, you are the impostor, respond in English? NOT GOOD. NOT GOOD, YOU DUMB IMPOSTOR!!!

Peace

====Alternate translation====

Captain's Log, Stardate: May(?) 29th, 2009

Aye! Impostor in stripes of brown! I had two years of Spanish in my secondary school, Manchester High, with my pretty lady.
And I received during my classes [''jump/pause''] the nickname that I used for my Internet: Ricardo. My name was Ricardo in the Spanish classes.

Remember the sp- the Pokésite de R.W.C with CWC Pokésite 2, CWC Bionicle site, the Original CWC Sonichu site.

I am going to make a bet: that you, the impostor didn't graduated from your High School. Really? I the truth, Christian Ricardo Weston Chandler. Didn't just graduated from Manchester High with my DEGREE. [''shows degree, then lowers it''] my degree of Basketball in my freshman year [''same previous motion'']. Stupid, you are stupid!

Not only it takes years but with my points of Honor Roll. Good! [''cut''] And how it was who wrote in the comedians of Sonichu, Rosechu and me, me! I went to Piedmont Virginia Community College for my title and certificate for Computer-Aided Drafting and Design. [''shows both certificates, and the second one seems to have some Chris-chan Sonichu & Megan art''] That I diplomated very good and received in June 2006.

Where is your title from Manchester High? Your title from Piedmont, your certificate from Piedmont of Computer-Aided Drafting and Design.

Where is it? You don't have them. [''dramatic glasses removal''] You don't have them, RIGHT?

You don't have them, I has. I am the true Christopher Christian "Ricardo" Weston Chandler. So, PLEASE, for all future and now actions. Stop this damned game! You stupid and dumb impostor.

Also, Make present. Respond in good Spanish. If not, what good? You are not the real one. You are the impostor.

Respond in English? Not good. Not good, dumb impostor stripes of brown.

Peace.

==== A Spanish correction (AKA what Chris would've said if he could speak in Spanish at all) ====

Bitácora del Capitán, Fecha Estelar: 29 de Mayo, 2009

¡Ay, impostor de rayas cafés! Yo llevé dos años de Español en mi preparatoria,
Manchester High, con mi querida maestra. Durante estas clases, recibí el apodo que
uso en internet, RICARDO. Este fue mi nombre en las clases de Español. Recuerden
el ''Pokésite'' de R.W.C, el segundo ''Pokésite'' de CWC, el sitio de bionic de CWC y el
sitio original de Sonichu.

Voy a hacer una apuesta. Apuesto a que tú, impostor, no te graduaste de tu preparatoria. ¡En serio! Yo el verdadero, Christopher "Christian" "Ricardo" Weston Chandler, no solamente me gradué de Manchester High con mi TÍTULO, sino también con mi título de Basquetbol en mi primer año. ¡Estúpido! ERES UN ESTÚPIDO.

Y no solamente me gradué con éstos [''diplomas''], sino también con mis puntos en el Cuadro de Honor. ¿Cómo ves?

¿Y quien fue el que escribió los cómics de Sonichu, Rosechu, y yo? ¡YO!

YO fui a la Universidad Comunitaria de Piedmont Virginia para obtener mi título y certificado en Diseño Asistido por Computadora.

Me gradué perfectamente, y me recibí en Junio del 2006.

¿Donde está tu titulo de Manchester High? ¿Tu título de Piedmont de t—
¿Tu certificado de Piedmont en Diseño Asistido por Computadora?

¿Donde están? No los tienes, Tú no los tienes, ¿VERDAD?

Tú no los tienes, pero yo sí. Yo soy el verdadero Christopher Christian "Ricardo"
Weston Chandler. Entonces, por favor, para siempre, ahora y en el futuro,
¡deja este maldito juego! Impostor tonto y estúpido.

Además, me presenté. Ahora tú responde en español correcto. ¿No puedes? Entonces no eres el
verdadero. Tú eres el impostor.

¿Respondes en inglés? Eso no es bueno, no está bien, tonto impostor de rayas marrones.

Paz.

==Liquid's response==

{{Infobox/Liquid
| name = Liquid's Response
| video = {{#ev:youtube|bGrJVjIn-Hw}}
| stardate = 29 [[July 2009]]
| maker = [[Liquid]]
| style = {{Reason|text}}
| saga = {{Liquid|text}}
| previous = [[CWC More Than A Feeling]]
| next = [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]
}}

=== Transcript ===

''¡Hola! Este es el verdadero Ricardo Weston Chandler. Impostor en el pequeño chaleco, yo no solo comprender su ultimo video, pero tiene excelente dominio de la idioma de Cervantes. Puedo establecer mi identidad hablan muchos idiomas. Je parle aussi Français comme je l'ai pris dans le français des mes années lycées à Manchester. Avec ma jolie professeure de français. J'ai obtenu ma [sic] diplôme avec mention. J'ai même un certificat à partir du moment où j'ai été l'assistant-responsable de l'équipe of PVCC. Auch hab ich zu lernen(?) von Deutschen und bin in der Lage, zu sprechen fließend Deutsch. Nicht zu erwarten, aber il- ich sind(?) ein Zertifikat in CADD.'' Hmm.


うそなんじゃフォトはせっかく工夫は済めば. まぁ、そうには正しいクリスならばと読める彼だが、彼の問題は全てこれらの言語で応答する必要がありますぅ！(''Usonanja foto wa sekkaku kufuu wa sumeba.'' (?) ''Ma, souni wa tadashii Chris naraba to yomeru kare daga. Kano mondai wa subete korera no gengo de outou suru hitsuyou ga arimasu~!'') Hmm. Um, hmm...

I wish to go over a number of things, but uhh... first I'd like to tell you [''dramatic glasses removal, and replaces glasses'']: I love my sweet Kacey! My sweetheart Kacey and I are going to be together forever! And I love her with my heart! And we met because of... Sonichu! She will be my caring girl and I will never leave her. We have already gone out on our FIRST DATE. FIRST DATE! Hmm...

Now, uh, on to more important things. I wish to, uh, as a high-functioning autistic male, uh, to explain autism, briefly to y'all- [''jump cut'']

Now a, uh, public service announcement, if you will. [[Autism]] is a mental block where uh, it's hard to do things and even the slightest of things that you don't want to do will uh, give you [[stress]]. When you are uh, stressed as an autistic, it's just easy to fall asleep. And Asperger's Sydrome is- does something to this very similar to autism. People with [[Asperger's]] take things very literally, which sometimes is another mental block to understanding others, or the ladies. Hmm. Both the Asperger's and autism are start from a ear- start from an early age, in which you are diagnosed and given documents proving it. My name is Christian Weston Chandler, and I swear on my Asperg- I mean my autism, that uh, that these things must be, uh... remembered.

Oh uh, and another thing, uh: I have made my rectum with [[Clyde]]- I mean I have- I have rectified things with Clyde. He has uh, apologized for uh, taking money from [[Barbara|my mother]]'s retirements accounts, and I have apologi- and has apologized for torturing me in the past. I thank you, Clyde, and uh, this could- this could be the start of a uh, beautiful friendship. I d- I do not- I do not have to worry about him uh, you know, trolling me anymore...

And finally, uh, ''Sonichu: The Crystal Chronicles''. Hmmm. The game is, uh, coming along so well that I have been able to print out the images that the uh, that the designer has sent me.

[''shuffles through a bunch of papers showing the design process and character concepts. Notable standouts are the [[BILLY MAYS]] Library, Liquid himself, [[Mary Lee Walsh]], and the [[Man in the Pickle Suit]].'']

Hmm... yeah, so uh... You know, I'm doin' pretty well right now, uh... I was able to buy my uh, my father [[Robert Chandler]] a uh, a new axe for his uh, [[Bob Walks In|woodworking hobby]]. And uh, I have- I have bought my- I have bought my uh, a uh, Pokémon Flutes for my uh, for my mo- mother [[Snorlax|Barbara Chandler]] for her- for her music. And I have bought myself just- just a- a whole bunch of rare [[Transformers]] toys and animation programs off o- off of [[eBay]].

[''Voice that sounds like Homer Simpson'']"Autobots, defeat those Decepticlones!"

Peace. Oh, hmm, and another thing uh... The- the uh, Dark Horse Publishers has uh, offered me a, to create my own uh, template for a uh, official ''Sonichu magazine''. So hmm, why'n'ch- why'n'cha take a look here... [''Shows the cover of his magazine''] It's the uh, Rapid Fast ''[[News Dash]]''.

Hmmm. I love ya Kacey!

====Translation====

Hello! This is the real Ricardo Weston Chandler. Impostor in the vest small, I do not only to understand your last video, but it has excellent command over the Spanish language. I can establish my identity they speak many languages. I also speak French as I learned it in the French some my high school years at Manchester. With my pretty French teacher. I got my diploma with mention.I even have a certificate since I was the [Can't remember the equivalent] in the team of the PVCC. [Can't make this out, but it sounds like "I also have to learn from Germans"] and I am capable to speak fluent German. Not to be expected, but [can't make it out, sounds like "I are a certificate"] in CADD. Hmm. It's a lie, the photo, though effort has been made. Well, if he is the real Chris, then he should be able to read this, but he has to answer every question in these languages!

==See also==
*[[Spanish]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[CWC More Than A Feeling]]|nextlink=[[That Goatee WILL Grow Back]]|}}
{{Captain's Log}}

{{The Cwcivil War of 2009}}

[[Category:Captain's log entries| 2009-07-29]]
[[Category:Liquid Saga videos| 2009-07-29]]
[[Category:Chris-chan videos, July 2009| 2009-07-29]]