CWCki - User contributions [en]

Template:Da update

2014-09-01T15:10:02Z

Jon-Nyan: pipe to love quest

<center>[[Image:News.jpg]]</center>

*30 August - Chris changes his [[Facebook]] status to "[[Love Quest|in a relationship]]".
*25 August - Chris [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Sonichu's kryptonite|writes on Facebook]] that [[Sonichu]] has literally paralyzing allergy to [[pickles]], and likewises discusses the sexuality of his various comic characters.
*16 August - Chris [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Ho Mo For Women|jabbers some more]] about his new identiy.
*15 August - Chris uploads new Facebook avatar.
*14 August - Chris makes a [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Chris comes out...kinda|Facebook post]] in which he comes out as a "Lesbian Identified Male" and self described "Intersex" "Cross-Dressing Tranny." He also expresses solidarity with the movement for LGBT equality, although begrudgingly supporting [[Homos|gay males]]. Whether this is a genuine turning point in Chris's attitudes towards homosexual men, or whether he simply trying to garner sympathy, remains to be seen.
*2 August - Chris posts a new [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Fan items lost in the fire|Facebook post]]. In it he confirms that three fan gifts, among them the [[Medallions#Asperchu Medallion|Asperchu medallion]], have been lost in the [[Destruction Of Chris's House|fire]].

<noinclude>{{clear}}{{Usage|1= This template sits in a place of pride on the CWCki [[Main Page]]. It is a list of recent Chris-related activity, namely new content. To prevent the list becoming too long, older entries should be removed as newer ones are added - with no more than 6 or 7 entries being displayed. To add new update to the list, simply edit this template and place a brief description of what happened at the top of bulleted list. Entries should also be documented on the [[{{CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{CURRENTYEAR}}|current month article]].}}[[Category:Front page templates]]</noinclude>

Template:Da update

2014-09-01T04:54:10Z

Jon-Nyan:

<center>[[Image:News.jpg]]</center>

*30 August - Chris changes his [[Facebook]] status to "in a relationship".
*25 August - Chris [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Sonichu's kryptonite|writes on Facebook]] that [[Sonichu]] has literally paralyzing allergy to [[pickles]], and likewises discusses the sexuality of his various comic characters.
*16 August - Chris [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Ho Mo For Women|jabbers some more]] about his new identiy.
*15 August - Chris uploads new Facebook avatar.
*14 August - Chris makes a [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Chris comes out...kinda|Facebook post]] in which he comes out as a "Lesbian Identified Male" and self described "Intersex" "Cross-Dressing Tranny." He also expresses solidarity with the movement for LGBT equality, although begrudgingly supporting [[Homos|gay males]]. Whether this is a genuine turning point in Chris's attitudes towards homosexual men, or whether he simply trying to garner sympathy, remains to be seen.
*2 August - Chris posts a new [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Fan items lost in the fire|Facebook post]]. In it he confirms that three fan gifts, among them the [[Medallions#Asperchu Medallion|Asperchu medallion]], have been lost in the [[Destruction Of Chris's House|fire]].

<noinclude>{{clear}}{{Usage|1= This template sits in a place of pride on the CWCki [[Main Page]]. It is a list of recent Chris-related activity, namely new content. To prevent the list becoming too long, older entries should be removed as newer ones are added - with no more than 6 or 7 entries being displayed. To add new update to the list, simply edit this template and place a brief description of what happened at the top of bulleted list. Entries should also be documented on the [[{{CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{CURRENTYEAR}}|current month article]].}}[[Category:Front page templates]]</noinclude>

List of Sonichu characters

2014-08-28T02:13:52Z

Jon-Nyan:

The following is a '''list of ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'' characters''', in order of appearance.

==[[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]]==
===Christian Weston Chandler===
{{main|Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|Chris-Chan Sonichu|Collosal Chan|Ancient leader of the Cherokee Clan}}

[[File:ColossalChrisChanVSMaryLeeWalsh.jpg|thumb|The heroic Christian Weston Chandler!]]

Chris-chan's alternate self and [[Wikipedia:Mary Sue|Mary Sue]], who, believe it or not, is meant to be the hero. In the comic, Chris is portrayed as much thinner than his corpulent IRL counterpart (except in earlier episodes). Comic Chris is also even ''more'' psychotic than Real Chris, having [[4-cent garbage.com|murdered hundreds of people]] in a [[Twin Falling Towers|terrorist]] attack, permanently crippled [[Liquid Chris|several]] [[Mary Lee Walsh|others]], [[Gun Comic|blown out people's kneecaps with a handgun]] after they've surrendered, [[Sonichu 0|destroyed]] the home life of a [[Jerkhief|man]] who was simply doing his job, carried out a mini-Holocaust on [[homos]]exuals, and had four men arrested, tried in an openly biased court, and personally executed in brutal and inhumane ways. For making a [[Asperchu|parody webcomic]]. And all with a gleeful smile on his face. His medallion allows him to don a [[Chris-Chan Sonichu|fursuit]] when he shouts the phrase ''Electric Hedgehog Power!'', and he can access his [[Collosal Chan|Collosal]] form with the use of the seven [[Sonichu Balls]].

Christian first appeared right on the front cover of [[Issue 0]], ordering Sonichu around. He cameoed throughout the rest of the comics, and took over as the main character in [[Issue 2]], which portrayed him as a descendant of the [[Cherokian Clan]] and fulfiller of the [[Anchuent Prophecy]]. Chris has since made himself and his [[love quest]] the [[Chris and his ego|center of attention]] and main focus of the comic in every issue (with a [[Sonichu 8|few exceptions]]).

===Sonichu===
{{main|Sonichu (character)|Ultra Sonichu}}

[[File:I am not Gay.jpg|thumb|left|'I am [[gay|STRAIGHT!]]']]
Christian's "original" character. Sonichu is a recolor who is an unholy fusion of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Pokémon|a Pikachu]]. In earlier episodes he was the main protagonist of the comics. That is, until Chris took the spotlight. By [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]], Christian had taken over as the main character, and by [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]], Chris had added [[Chaotic Combo|a new batch of recolors]] who took over from Sonichu as the supporting cast. Consequently, Sonichu didn't have a central role again until [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], where he returned to his original purpose as a Sue for Chris. He continued this trend through the following issue. However, he did remain in the spotlight in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], despite Chris's return, as he transformed into [[Ultra Sonichu]] and helped Chris in his killing spree.

===Rosechu===
{{main|Rosechu|The Incredible Lioness}}

[[Sonichu]]'s worthless, 0-dimensional girlfriend. She enjoys flowers, shopping, and getting kidnapped on a regular basis. She is completely incompetent and constantly relies on Sonichu to do even the most menial of tasks for her. Rosechu almost never walks or runs in public, she is always carried around by Sonichu. She also is ridiculously horny. [[Women's rights|This is Chris's idea of how women behave]], likely adapted from TV comedies or anime. She is the one of the few main characters to do almost nothing for the entire series, though she did once face rape [[Jason Kendrick Howell]].

===Sonic the Hedgehog===
{{main|Sonic the Hedgehog}}

[[Sega]] mascot and a major example of copyright infringement in the comic. He makes a few appearances in the comic, most notably in the first issue, as he's partly responsible for Sonichu's existence, as described below. He also shows up to help Sonichu again in [[Sonichu 1|''Sonichu'' #1]], after Rosechu gets kidnapped. [[Women's rights|Again]].

Sonic also appears on the front cover of [[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]], and is thought to be returning for the '10 year anniversary.'

===Perfect Chaos Monster===
[[Image:Perfect Chaos.jpg|thumb|right|Perfect Chaos as he appears in ''Sonic X'' vs Perfect Chaos as he appears in ''Sonichu''. Kinda lost his luster, huh?]]

'''Perfect Chaos''', or [[CWC-isms|"Perfect Chaos Monster"]] as Chris calls him, is the final form of Chaos, a villain introduced in the [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] game ''[[Wikipedia:Sonic Adventure|Sonic Adventure]]''. Composed of a liquid substance, Chaos assumes multiple shapes as it acquires the seven Chaos Emeralds, absorbing their negative energy to increase its power. Upon obtaining all seven, Chaos becomes Perfect Chaos, a serpentine creature of massive size, and proceeds to destroy the city of [[Station Square]]. Sonic defeats Perfect Chaos by utilizing the ''positive'' energy of the Chaos Emeralds, which transforms him into Super Sonic.

This battle was adapted by Chris to provide the background for the origin of [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] in the [[Sonichu 0|premiere issue]] of his [[Sonichu (comic)|new comic book series]]. The ''Sonichu'' series begins with a male [[Pikachu]] wandering into Station Square in the middle of a fight between Super Sonic and Perfect Chaos, whom Chris identifies as the "Perfect Chaos Monster". During the fight, Sonic accidentally collides with the Pikachu, somehow triggering an [[Rainbow|unexplained phenomenon]] which imparts Sonic's appearance and powers upon the Pikachu. The new Pikachu/Sonic hybrid awakens to find Sonic has still not defeated Perfect Chaos, and rushes to his aid. Using his new-found powers, he defeats the monster, and the onlookers, who mistake him for Sonic's super form, credit Sonic for the victory (retconning the ''Sonic Adventure'' game so that Sonic is [[Chris and his ego|little more than an assistant to Chris's original character]]). Contemplating his new form, the mutated Pikachu adopts the name "Sonichu", and returns to the wild. After that, Perfect Chaos is never mentioned again in the pages of ''Sonichu''.

===Trainer Kel===
{{main|Kel}}

[[File:KelHallOfFame.jpg|thumb|left|Wait, when did Kel ever see Rosechu again?]]
Female Pokémon trainer who owned the Raichu which transformed into [[Rosechu]]. Continued to take care of Rosechu until [[Sonichu]] took over as her new pimp. She then disappeared for a long time, but when [[Sean August Watley]] later used Trainer Kel as a central character in his own comic, Moon-Pals, Christian became [[Death threats|very upset]]. When Sean was executed in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris bought back Kel as his executioner, where she got her revenge on Sean for him DARING to give her a personality and a starring role.

Most of Kel's backstory and what little personality she apparently had came through the [[CWCipedia]] article on Sonichu. According to this article, by some strange and nonsensical twist of fate, she fell madly in love with [[Naitsirhc]] at some point. This same article also claimed however, that she was kind, sweet, innocent and caring.<ref>[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu]</ref> This in spite of the fact that she shot a man to death at point-blank range. Given the contradictions, it is safe to assume that this article is non canon.

===David the Dragonite/Daisy the Dragonite===
{{main|Pokémon}}

A [[Wikipedia:Dragonite|Dragonite]] Kel also owned. The considerate Pokémon trainer offered his [[Duck|sexual services]] to [[Rosechu]] when the latter was [[Masturbating and squirtin'|in heat]], noting that he's "[[Honest|loyal]]". Rosechu refused, stating that David is "[[Obesity|just too big]]" even for her loose, gaping [[China]], and suggesting Kel have sex with him herself. Kel enigmatically answers that "she can't say she didn't try". Did they or didn't they? History will [[Chris and writing#Kudzu plot|never know]].

Strangely enough, David may have been [[retcon]]ned into "Daisy the Dragonite", as indicated by a listing of Kel's Pokémon on [[CWCipedia]]. David, who appeared in [[Issue 0]] (Episodes 2 and 3), is not mentioned on the list, though Daisy is and is the only Dragonite on the list. It would not be out of the question to think that Chris simply forgot about David's importance to the canon and retconned him into a girl, especially probable due to the fact that both names begin with the same letter and Chris couldn't really name a girl "Davidina", plus the fact that he has created [[Simonla|gender-benders]] before. This would indicate that Kel, in fact, offered "Daisy" to Rosechu for a [[lesbian]] relationship, which in turn calls into question the sexuality of Rosechu, Kel, and the Dragonite, and makes several aspects of the comic a great deal more confusing.

===Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc===
{{main|Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc}}
[[File:082-ReldnahcNotsewNaitsirhc.jpg|thumb|100px|You can tell he's gay because he is shirtless. Straight men wear [[Muscle bra|bras]]!]]

Originally known as Naitsirhc Giovanni, he was Christian's long lost twin brother, and was found and adopted by the [[Pokémon]] villain [[Giovanni]], and raised as a member of Team Rocket. When [[Chris]] fell into the [[Dark Mirror Hole]], his [[Medallion]] also entered the darkness, awakening a dormant evil within Naitsirhc, and transforming him into an evil(er) version of Chris. Renaming himself Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc, the new anti-Chris dedicated himself to world conquest, and the destruction of his "[[gay|straight]]" twin.

Like Chris, Reldnahc has his own Sonichu Medallion, patterned after [[Black Sonichu]], which he uses to transform into his fursona of Reldnahc Ha-Taque. In [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Christian [[Rape|pins him down]] and forcibly injects him with the Gay Vaccine from the future, which destroys his medallion, makes him lose his powers and turns him into a "good guy". Because as we all know, [[Chris and reality|homosexuality makes you evil]]. He was then sent to [[Kel]].

===Zapdos===
{{main|Pokémon}}

An electric type Pokémon and one of the three legendary birds. Zapdos was used by [[Naitsirhc]] to capture [[Rosechu]] and battle [[Sonichu]] in CWCville Mall. Although Sonichu was victorious, Naitsirhc obtained a sample of Sonichu's [[Semen|DNA]], which he would later use in the creation of Black Sonichu.

===Jerkhief===
{{main|Jerkhief}}

[[Image:MyWoodenBadgeWasDelicious.jpg|thumb|left|Chris did once explain what this line meant. It made no more sense afterward than before.]]
Leader of the [[Jerkops]]. The Jerkhief is a massive [[African American]] man in a brown police uniform. Known for his beloved catchphrases such as "My wooden badge was delicious!" and "MAH SOUL HURTS!"

He attempts to arrest Chris for soliciting in the [[CWCville]] Mall, but is defeated by Christian's use of his [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]] form. Jerkhief pulls a gun on the attacking furmonster, but Christian hits him with a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]], causing him to lose his wife, children and home, and making the poor man break down in tears. Another victory for the forces of good!

===Jerkops===
{{main|Jerkops}}
Villainous foot-soldiers of [[Mary Lee Walsh]], the Jerkops are based upon various police officers and security guards Chris has encountered during his [[Love Quest]]. They are supposedly brainwashed [[slow-in-the-minds]] and College students. In spite of this, Christian has [[Chris and death|no qualms in killing them]], and doesn't even mention the possibility of curing them until way later in the series. It has also been suggested that the Jerkops leaders (aside from Mary and [[Count Graduon]]) were under similar influence, which makes Christian's cruelty to Jerkhief even worse.

===Metonic===
{{main|Metonic}}

Evolved form of [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]]. Appears only in a Classic Sonichu strip set in 2029.

===Vamprosa===
{{main|Vamprosa}}

Evolved form of [[Rosechu]]. Appears only in a Classic Sonichu strip set in 2029.

===Barbara Chandler===
{{main|Barbara Chandler}}

Chris's mother, and Sonichu's grandmother. Or something. The two rescued Barbara from [[Naitsirhc]] in one of the Classic Sonichu strips reprinted in [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]].

==[[Sonichu 1|''Sonichu'' #1]]==
===Giovanni===
{{main|Giovanni}}
[[File:SchuGioRetard.jpg|thumb|right|The insidious Giovanni]]
The leader of Team Rocket and villain of the first generation [[Pokémon]] games, Giovanni is determined to capture [[Sonichu]] at any cost. He teamed up with Doctor Robotnik to devise the perfect trap for Sonichu. Their plot was foiled, however, as Sonichu unexpectedly got help in dealing with the kidnappers, rather than going in alone like a retard, as they expected him to do. However, he only got help from [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] because he bumped into him on his way to the base. So Sonichu is still retarded, just lucky.

Later on, Giovanni seems to have reevaluated his goals, and now seeks to take over [[CWCville]] and kill Christian, as he joined forces with the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]] and helped them out during their attack on the city in [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]]. Surprisingly, he seemed to want his son Reldnahc to rule the city, rather than wanting it for himself. This shows that at least Giovanni thinks of others sometimes rather than himself, which is more than can be said for our heroes.

===Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik===
{{main|Doctor Robotnik}}

[[File:Robotnik.jpg|thumb|left|Even Eggman was never this flamboyant.]]
Recurring villain of the [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] games. A mad genius with an IQ of 300, 'Dr. Eggman', as he is known, has tried to conquer the world multiple times, in an effort to build his own nation of robotic followers; Eggmanland. In ''Sonichu'', however, he shows up to help Giovanni devise a trap for Sonichu and later helps to try and take over CWCville with the PVCC. Why he would ever bother with trivial things such as catching Pokémon, or why he has any kind of grudge against [[Chris and his ego|Chris of all people]] is a mystery that not even [[GodJesus]] could solve.

Also of note is that in the games, Eggman has a fleet of thousands of battleships, billions of robots, including elite androids based on [[Shadow the Hedgehog]] and the nigh unstoppable E-Series robots, as well as gigantic controllable mechs, and of course Metal Sonic. Not only this, but he also has access to multiple doomsday weapons, not least of all Space Colony ARK and a huge satellite, (As seen in ''Sonic Unleashed'') that could blow the fucking planet into pieces. Despite having this MASSIVE load of firepower, he has used NONE of it in his battle again Chris. Not even a single Egg Pawn.

===Team Rocket===
Team Rocket is the villainous organization that captures [[Pokémon]] (from the series of the same name). But somehow the company has either fallen on hard times because of the global recession or made a fucking stupid business decision as they set up a new headquarters in [[CWCville]].

Team Rocket is run by [[Giovanni]] and his retarded homosexual son, [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]].

They are also responsible for the creation of [[Blake]].

=== Dr. Bill Schwartz (Bill the Scientist) ===
[[File:Bill1.png|thumb| Dr. Bill Schwartz the Scientist]]
One of the most popular characters in Sonichu lore, Bill Schwartz, PhD, was a genetics researcher for [[Team Rocket]] during the organization's brief alliance with [[Robotnik|Ivo Robotnik]]. It was Bill's duty to prepare [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu's]] DNA for the cloning machine, but he inadvertently spilled cherry cola into the sample, mutating the chromosomes of [[Blake|the clone]] until it took on a black color.

It was for quite some time fanon, that Bill was getting high somewhere on [[the Moon]] together with Chris's other forgotten Sonichu characters, such as the [[Boulder-Dropping Whale]], [[Metal Sonichu]], and [[Yawning Squirtle]], which ended up being the premise for the troll comic, Moon-Pals. Chris, probably angry about the comic portraying Bill as a stoner, declared this depiction of him invalid on [[Twitter]], saying Bill was still in employ of Giovanni, and would be returning in comic. Bill later appears in [[Sonichu 10]], stating that he [[Chris and English|stopped working for Giovanny to save lives, and that he hats these bad days]]. Bill later appears, along with [[Kel]] and [[Allison Amber]], to execute Sean for his tenuously defined crimes against CWCville.

===Black Sonichu/Blachu/Blake===
{{main|Blake}}
[[File:254-BlachuPose.jpg|thumb|left|Doesn't he remind you of [[Shadow the Hedgehog|someone]]?]]

Also known as "Blachu" and "Blake", Black Sonichu was cloned from samples of Sonichu's [[semen|DNA]], which Naitsirhc obtained in [[fapcup|battle]]. Mutated slightly from an accidental cherry cola contamination in the laboratory, the clone grew to have insidious black and red fur, in stark contrast to Sonichu's heroic urine-and-feces color scheme. Initially, Black Sonichu started out as a lackey for [[Giovanni]], and then later Reldnahc, before finally becoming a watered-down good guy with an attitude when he fell in love with [[Bubbles]]. Black Sonichu was last seen recuperating from his traumatic [[rape]] at the hands of a [[Silvana Rosechu|trannie]].

He also has his own superform, in the same vein as [[Ultra Sonichu]], named [[Wall of Originals|Silver Blachu]]. It is never seen in the comic, though.

Although Black Sonichu was technically introduced in the following issue, he did appear in one of the Classic Sonichu strips, [[Love quest|stalking]] [[Rosechu]].

=== Metal Sonichu ===
The [[Sonichu]] rip-off of Metal Sonic, Metal Sonichu is one of the few characters that even Chris will admit is a rip-off. Despite this, he has [[Alec]]'s derivative character Metal [[Asperchu]] refer to [[Collosal Chan|GodMode!Chris]] as the "original creator", either implying that Chris wanted to claim Metal Sonichu as original all along, or he wanted to [[Chris and copyright|take credit for another one of Alec's characters]]. Sadly, though, he blames the villains for it. Much like the original Metal Sonic, it is a combat robot built by [[Doctor Robotnik]] for [[Giovanni]] in the image of Sonichu, with the intention of [[Jerkops|capturing]] or [[Chris and Death|killing]] its organic counterpart.

In fitting with its role as a killing machine, it had some unique weapons and capabilities which the original Sonichu did not have- these included laser/lightning cannon-like weapons built into both of its forearms, high speed flight and air-dashing abilities provided by the booster engine in its body, and a lightweight yet incredibly resiliant armour and chassis which was capable of resisting several attacks from both Sonic and Sonichu with little apparent damage. It also matches and could theoretically exceed Sonichu's [[power]] and standard abilities, although this was not seen during its initial appearance.

Metal Sonichu is defeated in [[Sonichu 1|''Sonichu'' #1]] by Sonic and Sonichu after being hit by a combined attack which hurls it into Space, eventually causing it to crash into the fucking [[Moon]]; however, the robotic clone survives this attack, as evident by the sight of its eyes glowing in the darkness and a clawed metal hand rising out of a crater, resulting in a cliffhanger.

The fans speculated that Chris probably just forgot about the robotic clone and that it would never be heard of again, but after being constantly reminded about it in the [[Mailbag]], and after Sean used Metal Sonichu for Moon-Pals, Chris suddenly declared that Metal Sonichu would be returning at some point in [[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]] or [[Sonichu 12|''Sonichu'' #12]]. According to Chris, the deactivated Metal Sonichu would have been found on the Moon and used as a vessel for the recently-revived [[Count Graduon]] to return to Earth, and would become the new villain- mostly because he had already removed every other major villain from the comic permanently in preparation for [[Sonichu 10|an issue]] dedicated to murdering characters based on his IRL trolls, and afterwards, [[Chris and writing|left nothing for his characters to do anymore]] as a result of it. Whether or not we'll actually see Metal Sonichu pull it off remains to be seen.
{{-}}
<center><gallery>
Image:MetalSonichu.jpg|A robotic copy of a [[Sonichu (character)|copy]], and it's still the more likeable of the two.
Image:220-ACMSchu.jpg|In [[Animal Crossing]] card form.
Image:221-ACMSchuBck.jpg|Yeah...
Image:222-YuMSchu.jpg|[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] variation.
</gallery></center>

 

===Amy Rose===
{{main|Amy Rose}}
[[File:Rosechu-AmyRose1.jpg|200px|thumb|'I had no idea that the [[Metal Gear Solid|Les Enfants Terribles Project]] had gone this far!']]

[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]'s love interest. Amy Rose in the [[video games]] is a 12 year old fangirl who has an obsessive crush on Sonic and often pursues him on his adventures to try and get his attention and appreciation.

That said, she at least does something in the video games, and often helps out the rest of the heroes on their quest, such as in ''Sonic Adventure'', where she singlehandedly defeated the Zero robot and in ''Sonic Adventure 2'', where she broke into a military base and freed a captured Sonic. In ''Sonichu'', however, all her personality is gone and she is just as vapid and useless and stereotypical as any Rosechu. She shows up for a couple of pages in [[Issue 1]] where she talks with Rosechu at CWCville Mall about meaningless bullshit. Interestingly, the page shows how much Chris ended up copying her design for Rosechu.

===Hanna===
{{main|Hanna}}

A woman who [[trolled]] Chris IRL by pretending to respond favorably to his [[Attraction Sign]]. Chris, epic lulzcow that he is, not only fell for the ruse, not only shouted "NOOOOOOOO!" in a public place when he discovered the truth, not only e-mailed her to ask her out again sometime, but also documented the entire sorry affair in his own comics.

The ''Sonichu'' version of Hanna is apparently an agent of PVCC, and the only troll in the entire comic to to not be a cackling evil bastard, probably due to being a woman.

==[[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]]==

===Wes Iseli===
{{main|Wes Iseli|Wasabi Rival}}

[[File:Wes Iseli.jpg|thumb|left|In his Wes-Li Sonichu form.]]
Sarah Hammer's IRL boyfriend, whom Chris jealously demonized in his comics by casting him as the descendant of the [[Wasabi Clan]], a band of power hungry Native Americans who were enemies with the Cherokee.

When Chris fulfilled the [[Anchuent Prophecy]] by becoming [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]], Wes was visited by the spirit of the Wasabi leader, who granted him the power to become [[Wes-Li Sonichu]]. At first, Wes used his powers to attack Chris, until Sarah dumped his ass and convinced both of them to join her in defeating [[Count Graduon]]. Wes would later appear as a directionless villain, attacking Sarah Hammer's wedding in [[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu'' #5]], and attending [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s villain conclave in [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], as well as assisting in the attack on CWCville during [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]].

===Sarah Hammer===
{{main|Sarah Hammer|Queen of the Cherokian Clan}}
[[Image:Sonichu02-P13.jpg|thumb|Sarah as she appears in [[Sonichu 2|''Sonichu'' #2]].]]

Chris's childhood friend, whom he later selected to bear his children before he discovered she was involved with another man. Chris nonetheless depicted her as the reincarnation of the [[Queen of the Cherokian Clan]] in his comics, and bestowed upon her the power to become a super-powered furfag just like himself.

As Saramah Rosechu, Sarah joined Chris-Chan Sonichu and Wes-Li Sonichu in a prophesied battled against [[Count Graduon]]. Failing to actually defeat the villain, the trio sort of split up, leaving Chris to deal with him alone. Sarah then got married to another man, rejecting Chris yet again, and she left the city of CWCville entirely. She did cameo once more, though, in [[Sonichu Special 2]], where she dressed in drag and attended the ceremony of Christian's ill fated marriage to [[Ivy]], acting as his best man.

===Keeper of the Destiny Cave===
[[File:Keeper.PNG|thumb|Is he old or just a kid with a beard?]]
An old fart who had hung around by an old cave for centuries, waiting for Chris to come along and use his [[Medallion]] to transform into his [[Chris-Chan Sonichu|fursona]]. After revealing the [[Anchuent Prophecy]] to Chris and Sonichu, the Cave Keeper was never seen again. He's probably having a toke or two with [[Yawning Squirtle]], if he's smart.

===Mary Lee Walsh===
{{main|Mary Lee Walsh}}

[[Image:Mary-lee-Walsh.jpg|thumb|left|For some reason, Mary has become a frequent subject of pictures like this.]]

Arch-nemesis to Christian (and by extension, Sonichu), Walsh is based on the real life dean of [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]], against whom Chris has nursed a grudge for years. In the comics, Walsh is portrayed as tyrannical witch, waging a bitter and ruthless war against love itself. For some reason, she considers cock-blocking Chris to be of vital importance to her goals, even though Chris does a pretty good job of that himself.

Mary Lee Walsh first appeared in the comics in [[Issue 2]], but a preview of her design was shown in [[Issue 0]], and she had been mentioned in both [[sub-episodes]] that had been in previous comics. In her first full appearance, she was wielding the staff of [[Count Graduon]], and directing the Golem attacking [[CWCville]]. This is thought to be her canonical first appearance as well, and it is believed that the subepisodes all take place after [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]], since the very first sub-episode features Chris-Chan Sonichu.

Throughout the comics, she did nothing but throw wave after wave of [[Jerkops]], [[Manajerks]] and other PVCC agents at Chris. Occasionally she'd help out herself, and sometimes she'd just kick back and let her robots handle it. She captured [[Crystal Weston Chandler]] in the Dark Mirror Hole at one point, but it had very little lasting consequence. Christian later confronted her as Hobo-Chan in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]]. There, she let Chris destroy Graduon's staff and she surrendered. Not content, Christian attacked her with two large swords. It ended with her being paralyzed for life and put in prison.

===Count Graduon===
{{main|Count Graduon}}

[[Image:Count Graduon.jpg|thumb|Count Graduon, the most [[Homos|phallic]] villain in the ''Sonichu'' series.]]
The Evil released when the [[Anchuent Prophecy]] was fulfilled. Graduon is a centuries-old evil wizard who was trapped inside a magic wand by the [[Cherokian Clan]]. In the 21st Century, he has forged an alliance with [[Mary Lee Walsh]], and has secretly manipulated [[Silvana Rosechu]] to become his trannie rape weapon against the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. He appeared to be destroyed after [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|GodMode!Chris]] smashes his staff in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], but Chris has stated that he would bring Graduon back in a later issue, during which he would have found and possessed the deactivated Metal Sonichu on the [[Moon]], again returning to Earth as the main villain.

===Golem===
A weapon used by [[Count Graduon]] after escaping from the Destiny Cave and joining forces with Mary Lee Walsh. Upon learning that the Golem had attacked [[CWCville]], [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]],[[Wes-Li Sonichu]], and [[Saramah Rosechu]] teamed up to destroy it. Stolen from Sonic Adventure 2, where it originally appeared as a boss controlled by Eggman.

==[[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]]==
===The Chaotic Combo===
{{main|Chaotic Combo}}

Five other Electric Hedgehog Pokémon spawned as eggs from the [[Rainbow]] that created Sonichu. Scattered throughout the region, they would eventually discover each other in common battle against Black Sonichu. They would form the central cast of ''Sonichu'' for the rest of the comic, outranking even the original Sonichu in the CWCville hierarchy.

===Wild Sonichu===
{{main|Wild Sonichu}}
[[Image:Wild parenting tips.jpg|thumb|left|Wild Sonichu, advising his one year old daughter on how best to mutilate a man's genitals.]]

The green recolor and a sort of leader to the group. Wild also partially rips off Spider-Man. He was apparently raised by a clan of weird ninja Scythers and a Venusaur. Once his father was kidnapped, he forgot all about him.

Later in life he became another member of the Great Director's private army and he served as another footsoldier in the many battles against [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and PVCC. During the middle of all this dumbfuckery, he attended a Dating Education class and got paired up with a mindless twit named [[Simonla Rosechu]]. Simonla was later killed, but fortunately for Wild, the [[Sandy Rosechu|bastard child]] which resulted from all sex he had with her [[Chris and art#Originality|looked almost exactly like Simonla in every single way]].

===Bubbles Rosechu===
{{main|Bubbles Rosechu}}
[[File:Iamnotretarded.jpg|thumb|Yeah. Just keep telling yourself that, Bubbles.]]

The sky-blue recolor and an airheaded slut. According to [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]], she was raised as a child by a random Swampert who happened to find her. One day, a Boulder-Dropping Whale randomly attacked her mother, and she forced herself to evolve so that she could save her. Some time later, she met the rest of the Combo when they all united under the common goal of beating up a [[Niggos|black guy]]. She does nothing for the rest of the comic besides fucking [[Blake]]. She finds a [[Sonichu Ball]] in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], if you can count that as doing something. Oh, and there was one point where she failed to tell the difference between [[Silvana|a trannie]] and her own boyfriend even when told the answer by a psychic.

Since everyone saw Bubbles as a stupid whore, she was portrayed as the idiot of the group in the webcomic [[Asperchu]]. Some time later, Christian established on her [[CWCipedia]] article that Bubbles was supposedly a very intelligent girl and had studied with the people of Atlantis. As you would expect, none of this was shown in the comics, and Bubbles still acts like a stupid whore.

===Angelica Rosechu===
{{main|Angelica}}
[[Image:271-Angelica.jpg|thumb|left|Angelica, the embodiment of the Antichrist.]]

A white recolor. Angelica Rosechu was made to be a religious type, specifically a Catholic. Her backstory explains that she was taken in by a convent of nuns, who raised her to be a devout Christian and named her Angelica after her resemblance of the biblical angels. Despite this, Angelica still grew up to be a filthy whore and a violent mercenary of [[CWCville]]. She eventually evolved one night in her sleep. Christian also [[Chris and writing|SOMEHOW]] knew who she was and that she had evolved, and showed up at her window to give her shoes and a scrunchie, which he left on her bed for her to find when she woke up. That's not creepy or anything.

She later became heavily entrenched in Christian's war against [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and the [[Jerkops]], and may very well have killed several people in the battle. This is pure speculation however. What isn't speculation though, was that she did, in fact, ''personally execute'' [[Alec Benson Leary]] in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]]. After reading him the last rites of course. [[Chris and religion|Because you know, she's religious]]. She also said 'May God have mercy' whilst doing so. This may indicate that on some level she knows that what she is doing is wrong, but it's likely that she was referring to Alec, because like Chris, she also has a huge [[ego]], and genuinely believes that people should be killed for making [[parody]] webcomics. Like Bubbles, she is also a slut. She put out for Reginald Sneasel on the first date and she has been known to [[Media:AngelicainGod'sEyes.JPG|do things in church that would make Jesus himself cry.]]

===Punchy Sonichu===
{{main|Punchy Sonichu}}

[[Image:272-ACPunchy.jpg|thumb|Punchy, the Asian one.]]
The red one. Punchy is not even a recolor. He is an exact duplicate of Knuckles the Echidna, who was already red. The only difference between them is that Punchy is far more retarded and has racist looking slanty eyes.

Punchy was born in a dojo somewhere after his egg crash landed there. Immediately after hatching, he was challenged to a sparring match by the dojo owner's daughter and student, Mypoe, who [[Dragon Ball Z|ripped off his tail since it was a weakness]]. He then punched her through the roof and probably killed her. This is where his name came from. The dojo owner, [[Excel Saga|G.D.W. Shinabe]], then took it upon himself to train the infant murderer, and teach him how to properly use martial arts. This training was wasted on Punchy however, who just ended up using [[pokémon]] attacks for the rest of his life. Punchy later got caught up with the rest of the gang, and formed the Chaotic Combo with them. Shortly afterward, his master died under mysterious circumstances and he apparently inherited the dojo. Punchy then spent the rest of ''Sonichu'' fighting Jerkops and related enemies. He got a break from the routine in [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]], where he took the [[Dating Education]] courses to try and learn how best to hook up with Angelica. As it turned out, Angelica would have been easy, but due to circumstances, Punchy ended up with another whore named Layla Flaaffy. Since [[Women's rights|all women are the same in Sonichu]], Punchy just rolled with it and had sex with her anyway. He later also participated in the [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] executions.

===Magi-Chan Sonichu===
{{main|Magi-Chan}}
[[Image:Magichan-icon.jpg|thumb|left|When you turn your back, he's going to stab you.]]

The purple recolor. Magi-Chan was born in a mysterious cave where, upon hatching, he was contacted by the Pokémon Mewtwo, who trained him with his powers. Upon evolving into Magi-Chan, he promptly let out a fart. His training complete, Mewtwo left him and Magi-Chan would go on join the Chaotic Combo. Despite his awesome powers, Wild Sonichu was chosen over Magi-Chan as leader of the Chaotic Combo. It would be Magi-Chan who would serve as the means to locate the Sonichu Balls from their locations, accidentally causing Chris to be lost in the [[Time Void]]. He would also fight Silvana from time to time as he attempted to save her from Graduon. In [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], he frees Chris from the Time Void, goes into the future to bring the cure for homosexuality back to the present, but starts suffering due to that, yammering something about a crisis only Chris could avoid, failing to find a man high off his ass and failing to stop Evan and Simonchu from killing Simonla.

=== Sonee and Rosey ===
{{main|Sonee & Rosey}}

The (irritating) baby versions of [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], who appear on the first page of [[Sonichu 3|''Sonichu'' #3]]. Technically, baby versions of Sonichu and Rosechu could never exist since they were created directly from a Pikachu and Raichu respectively, but that didn't stop Chris from creating them. They never made a canon appearance, but Chris recycled the designs for [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Children]].

===Scyther===
{{main|Pokémon}}

[[File:Scyther.jpg|thumb|200px|right|The Scyther who fathered Wild Sonichu. [[Chris and art|We think]].]]
For no obvious reason, a male Scyther assumed the role of [[Wild Sonichu]]'s father. Whether this is because it was screwing his Venusaur mother, or felt some obligation to help her raise Wild is unclear. The Scyther trained Wild in using his "Razor Leaf" attacks to cut down trees and such.

In [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], Wild told Sonichu and Rosechu of the last time he saw his adoptive father. According to Wild, his father was the leader of the "cut-sharp" clan of "Scyther and Scizor". At some point, the "Charmeleon Cult" burned down the dojo in the jungle that served as their headquarters. Wild joined his father on a mission to take [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|revenge]], but the Scyther was intercepted and captured by poachers instead. Wild cried like a bitch while the poachers loaded his dad in their van, then finally attempted to use his super powers to free him. The Scyther told him to stop, however, since he knew Wild was too much of a failure to cut through the steel frame of the van. Wild's last memory of his father was of "the passing-of-the-torch look in his eyes".

===Venusaur===
{{main|Pokémon}}
[[File:Venusaur.jpg|thumb|200px|left|She has to put up with his retardation.]]
A female Venusaur in the jungle discovered [[Wild Sonichu]]'s egg and adopted him. As Wild inexplicably has retractable tentacles in his arms, the Venusaur trained him in using them to grasp objects.

===Swampert===
{{main|Pokémon}}

A female Swampert adopted [[Bubbles Rosechu]] upon discovering her egg on the beach. Unlike Wild's parents, the Swampert doesn't seem to have taught Bubbles much of anything, and the pair spent her childhood splashing in the water like idiots. This idyllic existence was brought to and end when a Wailord dropped a giant boulder on the Swampert for no apparent reason. Unable to rescue her mother in her immature Rosey body, Bubbles evolved into her Rosechu form, and somehow used an ice beam to save the Swampert from drowning.

While Bubbles continues to live on the beach, the Swampert has not been seen since her first appearance. This would suggest that at some point, the Wailord returned to finish the job.

=== Boulder-Dropping Whale ===
{{main|Pokémon}}

[[Image:Boulder Whale.jpg|160px|thumb|left|The Boulder Dropping Whale's lone appearance in the comic.]]
As the name suggests, Boulder-Dropping Whale is a creature resembling a whale, who literally dropped a boulder. This signature attack was used against the Swampert who raised Bubbles, and would have drowned the Swampert if not for Bubbles's timely intervention. Although never named in the comic, the whale's anonymity and murderous hatred for ''Sonichu'' characters has earned him a cult following among [[trolls|fans]], who have dubbed him "Boulder-Dropping Whale", or "BDW" for short.
[[Image:Wailord.png|200px|thumb|An actual Wailord.]]
Originally identified as a common whale in the [[Audiobooks]], Chris stated in [[CWC Blog#12 January 2010|a blog in January 2010]] that it is a Wailord, a [[Pokémon]] that closely resembles a whale. This makes sense, as Chris always uses Pokémon when drawing background fauna in his comics (probably because he didn't pay attention during any of his biology classes in high school), such as the underwater scene in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]] which featured only Pokémon sea creatures, and no naturally occurring wildlife. Further, BDW's trademark attack appears to resemble "Rock Tomb", an attack available to many Pokémon in the video games, including Wailord.

Nevertheless, the name "Boulder-Dropping Whale" has stuck, and no matter what his species, he remains a [[troll|fan]] favorite.

Chris also stated in the same blog that Boulder-Dropping Whale was in fact a Wailord, that he had been captured, and was currently being forced to fight the senseless battles of some random Pokémon trainer. The fans have disregarded this statement, standing firm in their belief that Boulder Dropping Whale currently resides on the moon with his Moon-Pals '''Bill''', '''Metal Sonichu''', and '''[[Yawning Squirtle]]''', getting high as fuck.

=== Nuns ===
[[Image:Schununs.jpg|thumb|"The Lord has sent us an egg, sister. Tonight, we'll have omelets"]]
The two nuns that raised [[Angelica]], even though ''real'' nuns would've burned that abomination the moment they set eyes on it. Their appearance shows us that Chris believes the stereotype that all nuns are white, kind-hearted old ladies. Like Angelica, they reinforce religious upbringing by using the words ''bless'' and ''Lord'' frequently.

In addition to raising Angelica and teaching her how to fly, the nuns also saved the eggshell she hatched from. Chris stated in the [[videobooks]] that "they saved the eggshell for memories," which seems to shine a light on how his family justifies hoarding so much stuff. As there only appear to be two nuns in their convent, and they seem to have no problem with adopting disgusting mutant sow-people, ''and'' they seem to encourage them to masturbate in their supposedly holy dwelling, it's possible that the nuns are actually adult fetish models, and their convent is actually the studio for some sort of kinky reality show.

===G.D.W. Shinabe===
[[Image:Shinabe.jpg|thumb|left|Let it never be said Chris has no respect for [[Chris and copyright|copyright]]. He at least advertises the stuff he rips off.]]
Also referred to as "Nabe-San", Shinabe is one of Chris's many horrible ''[[Excel Saga]]'' references. The anime's director, Shinichi Watanabe, created an alter ego of himself to use as one of the characters in the series. Naming his self-insertion "Nabeshin" (a play upon his own name), Watanabe utilized him not only as a supporting cast member, but also as a way to break the fourth wall and poke fun at the production of the anime. Nabeshin would be heavily featured again in ''Puni Puni Poemy'', a follow-up project to ''Excel Saga''.

In ''Sonichu'', Chris depicts Nabeshin as Shinabe (get it?), who teaches a bizarre form of martial arts and film-editing. He adopts [[Punchy Sonichu]] and trains him to become a "strike ninja" after Punchy murders his daughter Mypoe. The initials "G.D.W." stand for ''Great Director Watanabe'', a reference to "Great Teacher Onizuka", a manga about a high school teacher, often abbreviated "GTO". The "GDW" gag was used in ''Puni Puni Poemy'', and so Chris stole the joke and clumsily incorporated it into his rehash character's name.

If Christian's "Sonichu" article on [[CWCipedia]] is to be taken as canon, then Shinabe was murdered by an ex student seeking revenge for some reason ''during the middle of Punchy giving Chris a tour of the dojo''.

=== Mypoe ===
[[Image:Schumypoe.jpg|120px|thumb|A classic example of fanservice in ''Sonichu'']]
Mypoe is a loose knockoff of Poemy, the star of ''Puni Puni Poemy'', depicted as Nabeshin's adopted daughter. Chris reversed the syllables in her name, both of them (Poemy refers to herself as "Kobayashi" in the show, a reference to her voice actor, Yumiko Kobayashi. Chris blatantly rips this off with Mypoe calling herself "Byashiko"), and appears to have changed her appearance to resemble [[Excel Saga|Excel]] instead. Despite this, Chris claims that the [[lie|two characters are not related]].<ref>I_Am_The_TRUE,_Original_CCWC#A_history_.284:11_to_6:01.29</ref> In ''Sonichu'', Mypoe is a female student of Shinabe who challenged [[Punchy Sonichu]] to a battle moments after he hatched from his egg. During the fight, she tore Punchy's tail off his body, claiming that it was a ''weak point'', and should be removed (a concept stolen from [[Dragon Ball Z|Dragon Ball]]). The trauma apparently caused Punchy to evolve into his Sonichu form. In retaliation, Punchy attacks Mypoe with a Sky Uppercut, which sends her right out of the dojo, through the roof. Unfazed by the apparent murder of his daughter, Shinabe adopts Punchy as his new star pupil.

Like all minor characters Mypoe is considered cool amongst the [[trolls|fans]]. She has a special place in their hearts due to being the only character that tried to put a Sonee out of its miserable existence shortly after birth.

=== Mewtwo ===
{{main|Pokémon}}

[[Image:Mewtwo.PNG|thumb|left|Mewtwo is not pleased with Chris's idiocy.]]
A powerful, reclusive Pokémon genetically engineered from the DNA of the rare Mew, Mewtwo escaped from his creators and briefly plotted to conquer the world in the first Pokémon feature film. Mewtwo's dark, brooding nature and vast psychic abilities would serve as Chris's "inspiration" for [[Magi-Chan Sonichu]], whose egg hatched in the same cave Mewtwo lived in during the movie. As if the connection weren't blatant enough, Chris established that Mewtwo served as Magi-Chan's mentor, contacting him at birth via telepathy and teaching him to use his mental powers.

Aside from his mental rapport with Mewtwo, Magi-Chan grew up completely isolated from the rest of the world. In a half-assed attempt to introduce him to civilization, Mewtwo projected memories of Jackie Chan films, other people's birthday parties, and various tourist attractions. Two weeks after Magi-Chan evolved into his Sonichu form, Mewtwo sent him out into the world, promising that they would one day meet face-to-face. As Chris has probably forgotten all about this though, much like all of the other sideplots [[Chris and his Ego|not involving him]], it'll probably never happen.

Christian has also notably claimed on the [[CWCipedia]] once that Reldnahc had a Mewtwo in his Pokémon team. It can be assumed that this is the same one.

===Flame the Sunbird===
{{main|Flame the Sunbird}}

Shameless ripoff of Kazooie from Banjo-Kazooie who seems to be in dire need of pants. Flame is the guardian of the [[Legendary Master Sunstone]], and joined Sonichu and the Chaotic Combo in rescuing it from Black Sonichu. He would later be seen attending the Chaotic Combo's birthday party at the mall. It is emphasized that he is not a Pokémon, yet he readily uses Pokémon attacks, such as Drill Peck.

===Black Manajerk===
{{main|B-Manajerk}}

[[Image:Bmanajerk-oblivion.PNG|thumb|100px|Black Manajerk, the badass.]]
Chris's re-imagining of the McDonald's manager who interfered with his [[Love Quest]] at [[Mal-Wart]]. The B-Manajerk, along with his partner, [[Merried Seinor Comic]], confront Chris after the [[Jerkhief]] tells them about him. When Chris refuses to leave, they attack him with [[Mecha-Jerkops]], and Chris is aided by [[Darkbind Sonichu]]. As Darkbind handles the other foes, Chris battles B-Manajerk, and defeats his cybernetic armor with the powers of his [[Medallion]]. He also later attended [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s villain convention after Chris was sucked into the [[Time Void]].

[[Chris and race|And yes, the 'B' in B-Manajerk does stand for Black]].

===Merried Seinor Comic===
{{main|Merried Seinor Comic}}

Companion of [[B-Manajerk]], Merried Seinor Comic, also known as Kirby, is probably based on an older man who worked for the Wal-Mart which housed the McDonald's in which Chris was loitering that day. In ''Sonichu'', he is depicted as a cyborg with mechanical arms and legs. When he and B-Manajerk attack Chris, Darkbind Sonichu arrives to help, and dismantles Merried Seinor Comic with his superior swordsmanship. Their duel appears to have been a pathetic excuse for Chris to use Monty Python gags in his comic, with Merried Seinor Comic assuming the role of the Black Knight who refuses to admit defeat after losing his limbs.

===Wal-Mart Manajerk===
{{main|W-M-Manajerk}}

[[Image:W-M-Manajerk.jpg|thumb|150px|left|Truly an inspiration to us all.]]
The ruler of the [[Mal-Wart]] region, W-M-Manajerk confronts Chris shortly after B-Manajerk and [[Merried Seinor Comic]] are defeated. Like his henchmen, W-M is a cyborg, although he appears to be a head in a jar of life-sustaining fluid, affixed to an entirely robotic body. Far stronger than the other [[Manajerks]], W-M easily overpowers Chris, until he combines his [[Medallion]] with the [[Heart Torch of Fail]] to summon his "dream sibling", [[Crystal Weston Chandler (character)|Crystal Weston Chandler]]. Using their combined power, Chris and Crystal turn the tables against W-M, and send his disembodied head flying back to [[Mary Lee Walsh]], who sent him to menace Chris in the first place.

Particularly worrying was that according to dialogue, Chris and Crystal were surprised to learn he could survive in just his head form after they removed it from his body, implying that they had intended to murder the helpless man.

===Darkbind Sonichu===
{{main|Darkbind Sonichu}}

[[Image:081-Darkbind.jpg|130px|thumb|right|Dear Lord, he's even [[gay]]er than [[Magi-Chan]]!]]
Yet another Sonichu recolor, Darkbind is a rip off not only of Sonic and Pikachu, but Darkwing Duck and Link from the Legend of Zelda as well. In his first appearance, Darkbind comes to help Chris defeat the Manajerks at the Mal-Wart region, but leaves just before the [[W-M-Manajerk]] shows up to beat the shit out of Chris. Whoops.

Darkbind would later return to repel [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s invasion of [[CWCville]] in [[Sonichu 6|''Sonichu'' #6]], and finally reveal that he has been searching for the seven [[Sonichu Balls]] to re-awaken his beloved [[Zelina Rosechu]]. He finally achieves this in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], and then starts crying.

===Mecha-Jerkops===
{{main|Mecha-Jerkops}}

Mechanical [[Jerkops]] used by the Manajerks to forcibly eject Chris from the Mal-Wart Region. The only two to appear were easily defeated by [[Darkbind Sonichu]], suggesting that they're actually far less formidable than flesh and blood Jerkops. One wonders what was the point was when actual Jerkops are far more capable and numerous.

==[[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu'' #4]]==
=== Crystal Weston Chandler ===
{{main|Crystal Weston Chandler (character)}}

Chris's imaginary sister. A virtual duplicate of Chris with the exception of being a female, she is created by the power of Chris's [[Pixelblock]] [[Heart Torch]], giving her sentience. Like Chris, she can become a Rosechu - Crystalina Rosechu - through her own medallion. She later spends half of the comic trapped away in a [[Dark Mirror Hole|mirror]] before being rescued as an afterthought.

=== Snorlax ===
{{main|Pokémon}}

A [[Snorlax]] who briefly appeared in Christian's 'Backyard Safari' [[Sub-Episode]], a documentary about [[Jerkops]] designed specifically to insult them. He comments at one point that a [[Jerkhief]] weighs [[Obesity|over 1500 pounds]] and can be identified by its [[The Creepy Stare|glassy eyes]] and wooden badge. [[Chris and hypocrisy|How ironic for Chris to be saying such things about Jerkops]].

The Snorlax appears at the bottom of the page as an illustration, since Christian had commented in a paragraph that the Jerkhief was heavier than a Snorlax.

=== ScotPalazzo ===
{{main|ScotPalazzo}}

ScotPalazzo is the [[Manajerk]] of Fa-Square, from the Sho-Mall Region. He is based on the manager who called the [[Jerkhief]] on Chris in real life, though he did not appear in ''Sonichu'' until Sub-Episode 6, where he for some reason became jealous that Chris had his own TV show; CWC's Backyard Safari. He decided once he was done watching it to order more Jerkops after Chris, since he was once again persisting to [[Love Quest|solicit sex in a public place]] and was still [[Story of my current days|resisting arrest]]. Or at least, that would be the [[Honest|truthful]] reason. In ''Sonichu'', however, it's because he hates love, since it caused his mother's murder suicide somehow. It's likely that the real ScotPalazzo's mother did no such thing, but Chris for some reason thinks that [[Trolls|anyone who dislikes him]] at all must have terrible and tragic lives, since [[Chris and his ego|only people with no life could ever possibly hate Chris]]! That said, ScotPalazzo is probably the only villain in Sonichu, at least until [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], to have any kind of motivation, so no one's complaining. ScotPalazzo also attended Mary's villain convention after Chris was lost to the [[Time Void]].

=== Turdijerk ===
{{main|Turdijerk}}

Turdijerk is the Manajerk of the [[Get-Tar]] region. He appears in Sub-Episode 7, where he tells Chris to get out of his store because he is loitering on private property again and scaring off his customers. Unlike with previous cases where he has provoked Manajerks into a fight, this time Chris just attacked them outright after they asked him to leave. Not caring for being assaulted by loitering manchildren, Turdijerk calls [[Bagget|Marcus Bagget]] to come and deal with the potentially dangerous Chris before he attacks any more of his employees. He also later attended [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s villain convention.

=== Trebor Capman ===
{{main|Trebor Capman}}

Turdijerk's assistant and the second victim of Christian's unwarranted attack on the store manager. It can be assumed that his real name is Robert, given Chris's legendary love for [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc|reversing names]]. He was also present at the villain convention with his boss Turdijerk.

=== Marcus Bagget ===
{{main|Bagget}}

{{Incomplete}}

=== Crackder ===
{{main|Crackder}}

{{Incomplete}}

==[[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu'' #5]]==
===William Spicer===
The husband of Sarah Hammer. Because Chris had no clue as to what William actually looked like, Chris depicted him as a Jack's Knight, a card from the ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' card game franchise.

===Megan Schroeder (Meg-Chan)/Sailor Megtune===
{{main|Megan Schroeder|Sailor Megtune}}
Chris's second love interest. Based off of the actual Megan Schroeder, she moonlights as a Sailor Senshi, devoted to aiding Chris whenever he can't get off his own fat rear to do so. She quickly leaves the series after her real life counterpart gives Chris the boot in the aftermath of his ED discovery.

===Megagi La Skunk===
{{main|Megagi La Skunk}}
Megan's skunk companion. Starting out as a butch, tomboyish character with more personality than the rest of the rosechus, she loses this personality as she gains a boyfriend in Bionic, devolving into a cheerleader by Issue 9.

===Harriet, Joseph, Julia, Nick===
Couples harassed by Jerkops.

===Jamsta Sonichu===
{{main|Jamsta Sonichu}}

DJ for KCWC and one of the few Sonichus shown that weren't created by the Chaotic Rainbow. He has no obvious powers and speaks in outdated slang. Interestingly, Jamsta's the actual ORIGINAL Sonichu, yet he wasn't discovered and named until later, giving Sonichu all the credit.

===CWCVille Constable===
One of the few non-Jerkops in CWCVille.

===CADD Chef (alias Keneru-Meneth)===
{{main|CADD Chef}}

Another one of Slaweel's minions who only complains about building designs. The character is based off of Chris's Computer-Aided Drafting and Design and the South Park character Chef.

==[[Sonichu 6|''Sonichu'' #6]]==

===Patti-Chan===
{{Main|Patti Chandler|Patti-Chan}}

Chris's beloved dog. As her twilight years prepared to come to an end, a combination of eating a four-leaf clover and moonbeams transformed Patti into Patti-Chan. Realizing what had happened, Chris brought his dog to CWCVille so it can live on forever. She uses her magic to protect the Mayor's office in [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]], then kills Alec in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] because "she's not a zombie."

===Allison Amber===
{{main|Allison Amber}}

Chris's mayoral secretary. Once a prominent Hollywood star, she gave up the fame and fortune to work in the CWCVille Mayor's office. When Chris is cast into the Time Void, Allison takes over until his complete return. In ''Sonichu'' #10, she kills Sean for his promiscuous depiction of her in ''Moon-Pals''.

===Shadow the Hedgehog===
{{main|Shadow the Hedgehog|Christian & The Hedgehog Boys}}

The Ultimate Life Form created by Dr. Gerald Robotnik, this [[stress|angst-filled]] hedgehog is the focal point of a number of Sonic games made in the mid-2000s and is the inspiration of Blake. Despite not appearing in the comics proper, Shadow DOES make an appearance in an ad for Christian and the Hedgehog Boys' solo album.

===Zelina Rosechu===
{{main|Zelina Rosechu}}

Darkbind Sonichu's love interest. She is put under a spell through the locked power of the Sonichu Crystals prior to the start of the series. She's awakened and turns out to be the same as all the other vapid Rosechus in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]].

===Clawdorf===
{{main|Clawdorf}}

Darkbind Sonichu's deadly foe. After putting Zelina into a deep sleep, he is accidentally turned into stone and left in a cave. He is presumed freed by Ultra Sonichu.

===Bionic the Hedgehog===
{{main|Bionic the Hedgehog}}

Chris's first creation before Sonichu came into play. Thought up of after getting smacked with a Sonichu Crystal (later altered to be a basketball), Bionic became Chris's first creation. He would go into obscurity until Naitsirhc arrived on the scene, knocking out the villain with a basketball. He would soon fall in love with Megagi and go and aid Chris in his adventures, culminating in Bionic electrocuting Alec.

==[[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]]==

===Mighty the Armadillo===

Mistakenly spelled "Mighty the Arm'''or'''dillo" by Chris, Mighty is a supporting character from the [[Sonic The Hedgehog]] video games, including "Knuckles Chaotix" and "SegaSonic The Hedgehog". Due to his relative obscurity and passing resemblance to more popular Sonic characters, Mighty may be misidentified by ''Sonichu'' readers as another one of Chris's crappy "original" characters.

When Chris travels back in time to relive the moment he "created" [[Bionic the Hedgehog]], he recalls that he would often imagine Sonic characters acting out scenes in the books he read. According to Chris, he was reading a "Fear Street" novel by R.L. Stine, imagining Mighty as one of the characters, when he was struck on the head by a basketball, and at the same moment, imagined an orange version of Sonic emerging from a locker door where Mighty was standing.
 

===Sammy===
{{main|Sammy}}

A "fat, stupid" version of Chris utilized for the "Family Guy Skitch" featured in Episode 15. In a typical ''[[Family Guy]]'' style aside, Chris recalls a fictional memory of himself in an embarrassing situation, bearing a strong resemblance to Peter Griffin. Later, this same alternate version of Chris appears to speak with the real Chris, who identifies the character as Sammy, who merely "played" Chris in his memory. Sammy is a beloved figure to trolls, as he is ironically a far more accurate caricature of Chris than the skinnier version who actually stars in the comic.
 

===Skelevision and Ghost Buggy===
{{main|Ghostbusters}}

Items used by the Filmation Ghostbusters in their adventures. Sammy busts through them in his "Family Guy Skitch" in his confused state.

===Kellie Andes===
{{main|Kellie Andes}}

One of Chris's old classmates and one of his old high school crushes. She appears in Episode 15, discovering Chris's nude picks and is revealed to have warned Rosechu in Episode 17. Interestingly, she is one of the few who ''doesn't'' get a retconned name change.

===Bender Bending Rodreiguez===
{{main|Futurama}}

A lazy self-absorbed robot who gets his kicks off of robbing people, getting drunk and all around being lazy, especially with his friend Philip J. Fry. Doesn't ''that'' sound like someone we know. Bender is seen spiraling through the time stream as Chris, Sonichu and Magi-Chan travel on.

===Joseph Herring===
{{main|Joseph Herring}}

One of the many people affected by Slaweel's attacks, this pimply faced man, later renamed Joe Herr, is seen lamenting about the loss of his girlfriend. The character is based off of a man by the same name who actually looked pretty decent.

===Beavis and Butt-Head===
{{main|Beavis and Butt-Head}}

MTV's legendary icons for all things 1990, Beavis and Butt-Head were two idiotic teens who got their kicks through destruction, pervert antics and all around being complete and utter idiots. And America ''mostly'' loved them. They show up in Episode 16 slamming a locker door, mimicking a scene from one of their shorts.

===Janekops===
[[Image:Janekops.jpg|thumb|100px|You have the right to remain ''sexayyyyy'']]

Female [[Jerkops]]. Chris suggested the possibility of female Jerkops in [[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu'' #4]], by describing a "Hypno-gun" the Jerkops use to transform retarded people into new Jerkops. Presumably, then, any Janekop would be a female victim of such a weapon. Jerkops with tits would be seen standing guard at [[PVCC]] in issue #7, so these are most likely the same Janekops Chris suggested earlier.

===Jason Kendrick Howell===
{{main|Jason Kendrick Howell}}

The head of 4-cent_garbage, Jason Kendrick Howell is the bald-headed, eye-patch wearing cause of Chris's torment in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]]. Based off of the person by the same name whom Chris believes put up the Chris-Chan ED page, Jason is shown as apathetic to Sonichu's pleas before he launches a pickle at Rosechu, causing her to transform into the [[Incredible Lioness]] and face rape him. He would return in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], only to decide he was going to retire from trolling Chris because tormenting him is WRONG.

===Kathleen===
{{main|Kathleen}}

Kathleen is Jason's "woman slave", seen wearing an odd BDSM outfit and in a crawling position. She stays ever faithful by Jason's side throughout the whole thing. She is based off the woman by the same name, who was Jason's girlfriend at the time.

===Blanca===
{{main|Blanca}}

The first of many troll gal-pals to appear in the comics. Blanca was the creator of Jiggliami and was present at the interview with Jamsta. In issue 8, however, it's revealed that she went back to Kentucky to be with her boyfriend.

===Jiggliami===
{{main|Jiggliami}}

Blanca's creation, an odd fusion of Amy Rose and a Jigglypuff. She is a songstress who's seeking to become popular. She appears in [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]] with an interview with Jamsta and in a Spring Break concert in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], helping the Chaotic Combo before disappearing forever.

===Lolisa Rosechu===
{{main|Lolisa Rosechu}}

Jamsta's assistant on his radio show. Oddly, she is also the oldest Rosechu of the bunch, but because this is Chris's comic, she is conveniently shoved aside so that Rosechu is the first, thus named after her.

===Robert Simmons V===
{{main|Robert Simmons V}}

Another troll who made his way into the comic as a major fan of the comics. In [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], he appears at Jiggliami's interview. However, after Chris learned the truth of the man, he retconned it in his [[Videobooks]] by saying he was arrested for getting too close to Chris.

==[[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]]==

===Lovey and Thurston Howell III===
{{main|Lovey Howell|Thurston Howell III}}
[[Image:Howells.jpg|thumb|200px|The "S" in "Sonichu" stands for "Subtlety".]]

In [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], [[Christian Weston Chandler]] sought to humiliate his arch-nemesis [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] with a scathing [[parody]] of [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]. In a feeble attempt to be coy, Chris refrained from identifying Howell in the comic right away, instead referring to him only as Jason, followed by a clever cameo appearance to hint at his last name. Since no [[anime]] or ''[[Family Guy]]'' characters are named "Howell", this forced Chris to delve into legitimate pop culture, and soon he found '''Thurston Howell III''' and '''Lovey Howell''', the elitist millionaire couple on the classic TV series ''Gilligan's Island''. Chris is probably blissfully unaware that the joke will probably sail very far over the heads of his target demographic, and he's also unaware that there are countries on GodJesus's green earth where the show hasn't aired for decades. Or ever.

Appearing outside the [[4-cent garbage.com]] building, Thurston chides Lovey for forgetting her purse, to which Lovey explains that she had grown used to neglecting it from their time stranded upon the island. Chris then challenges the reader to guess Jason's last name, a pointless exercise, as Chris had already mentioned "Jason Kendrick Howell" several times on his [[Sonichu (website)|website]], [[YouTube]] videos, and anywhere other public forum available to him in [[2008]].

===Beel===
{{main|Beel}}

The secretary at 4-cent_garbage, he is a devil-like creature with the [[homos|gayest]] pants ever. He shows up briefly in Episode 17, but is more prominently shown in Episode 21, stealing Chris's medallion, before having it teleported away, then blasted to kingdom come. He returns just in time to berate Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus over their trolling of Chris (comparing it to working with Adolf Hitler) before disappearing.

===4-cent_garbage.com employees===
{{main|4-cent_garbage}}

The workers of 4-cent_garbage. They are busy trolling people get getting drunk off their ass. Chris reappears to briefly sock one of them in the face. In Episode 21, Chris returns fully and destroys the building, kill about 100 of the employees.

===George W. Bush===
{{main|George W. Bush}}

42nd President of the United States and son of the 40th President, George H. W. Bush, he saw his highs of popularity from the [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 attacks]] plummet after he initiated the War in Iraq. He is depicted in the elevator gag tipping over his successor off his ladder.

===Barack Obama===
{{main|Barack Obama}}

43rd President of the United States and first [[niggo|African-American president]]. Obama is depicted in the elevator gag attempting to paint the White House black, but is stopped by Bush.

===John McCain===
{{main|John McCain}}

Obama's opponent in the 2008 elections and former US Senator. He yells at Obama for painting the White House black.

===Hilary Clinton===
{{main|Hillary Clinton}}

New York Senator, former First Lady to 41st President Bill Clinton and one of Obama's opponents in the spot for Democratic nominee for President. She's present as Obama paints the White House.

===Sarah Palin===
{{main|Sarah Palin}}

Former Alaskan governor, John McCain's running mate and all-around gullible bag of bricks. This "bulldog with lipstick" was present as Obama painted the White House.

===Simonla Rosechu===
{{main|Simonla Rosechu}}

Wild Sonichu's fuck toy, Simonla Rosechu is the unholy monstrosity created when Chris took Simonchu Sonichu, a creation by [[Evan]] (who in turned based it off of Simon the Digger of ''Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann'') and gave it breasts and china. Simonla first appears when she joins the other Rosechus in "stripping for [[Women's Rights]], introducing her friend Zapina. She's later paired up with Wild in Dating Education before aiding said Sonichu in defending CWCVille from Slaweel's attack. However, Simonla would meet her demise by a Voltorb blowing itself up, killing her ''on the toilet''.

===Zapina Rosechu===
{{main|Zapina Rosechu}}

A young Rosechu who's friends with Simonla. She first appears, joining the other Rosechus in wanting to strip for Women's Rights, but Rosechu shoots down that idea because of the "dumb laws". She is later seen defending CWCVille from Slaweel and her minions.

===Greta Squall===
[[File:Greta.PNG|thumb|There are blind five-year-olds who can draw better human figures. With their feet.]]
News anchor for "[[Excel Saga|FQX]] News", obviously a parody of Fox News anchor Greta Van Susternen. Covered CWCville's 2008 Spring Break celebration on location, and became so overcome with the festivities that she stripped down to a swimsuit and leaped into a pool. Horribly disfigured, her face bears several scars, each shaped like the numeral "2", and her arms are swollen to abnormal size, possibly due to localized gigantism.

===Silvana Rosechu===
{{main|Silvana Rosechu}}

Another missing Rosechu, she was found on [[The Motherfucking Moon]] by Count Graduon and turned evil, giving her shapeshifting powers and a [[duck|penis]]. She appears in Episode 18, fucking Blake disguised as Bubbles before being driven off. She appears again in Episode 20, fighting Magi-Chan and appears one last time, disguising herself as a malformed Meg Griffin. According to Chris, Silvana would lose her powers and dick when Graduon's staff was shattered and she would soon fall in love with Magi-Chan.

===Yawning Squirtle===
{{main|Yawning Squirtle}}

A Squirtle that is seen yawning and given a very stoned look. Many trolls took it that the Squirtle was actually high off of weed and ran with it. In retaliation, Chris mentioned that this Squirtle was actually an old friend of Bubbles and that it was also captured and not shot to the moon.

===Sea Pokémon===

Comprised of [[Mudkips]], [[Seadra]], [[Goldeen]], [[Staryu]], [[Corsola]], [[Octillery]], [[Mantine]], and [[Corphish]].

===Optimus Prime===
{{main|Optimus Prime}}

Supreme Commander of the Autobots and hero of the Transformers franchise. He is considered to be one of Chris's idols. However, he is depicted in Issue 8 as a grand hero (or a murderer, however you want to look at it), killing Decepticon spy Sarah Jackson.

===Sarah Jackson===
{{main|Sarah Jackson}}

One of Chris's sweethearts and Decepticon spy. She is given a memorial by depicting the heroic Optimus Prime running down her truck in his truck form.

===Sarah Cassandra McKenzie (aka Panda Halo)===
{{main|Sarah Cassandra McKenzie|Panda Halo}}

The third of Chris's gal-pals. She is given a shout out in Issue 8, only to be depicted dying in an a fire in Issue 9.

==[[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]]==

===Sarah Jackaras===

Sarah Jackson's second comic persona. She is depicted as a teacher for Chris's demented Dating Education class, and killed off at the end of the episode.

===George Philip===

A kid in Dating Education. He resembles Kenny from ''[[South Park]]''.

===Layla Flaaffy===
{{main|Layla Flaaffy}}

Ivy's animal companion (though she looks NOTHING like a Flaaffy). She ends up hooking up with Punchy in Episode 19 and is shown one last time blasting away a bunch of Jerkops with a Thunder attack in Episode 20.

===Ivy===
{{main|Ivy}}

The last of the real-life sweethearts to show up in the ''Sonichu'' comics (excluding the specials). She ends up having a vision where God and Jesus tell her that she is to be Chris's one true love. Doesn't last too long as she is strangled by elevator wire in Episode 20.

===Reginald Sneasel===
{{main|Reginald Sneasel}}

Chris's Mary Sue character that fills in for him while he is still trapped in the Time Void. He despises [[Niggo|darkies]] and attempts to break up Punchy and Layla only for Angelica to feel sorry for him and be his [[Sweetheart|girlfriend]].

===God/Jesus===
{{main|God/Jesus}}

Our Creator and our Lord and Savior. They appear in a vision to let Ivy know that she and Chris were meant to be. However, since Ivy dies in the next episode, it's hard not to imagine they were trolling the two in the process.

===Florance Fisher===
[[Image:SchuFlorence.jpg|100px|thumb|Florance Fisher]]

One of the few [[Niggos|black]] characters in ''Sonichu'' that isn't evil. She is rejected by Reginald, mirroring Chris's own refusal to date a black woman. Crudely resembles ''South Park'''s art style, and was probably traced.

===Rita Jackaras===

Sarah's sister. She replaces Sarah after she reveals that she had died... and instead of mourning, they get right back into their studies. Judging by her [[Speech impediment|odd speech patterns]], she may be [[slow-in-the-minds|slow-in-the-mind]].

===Other students===

Comprised of:
*Amy Testa
*Clem Jennings
*Geraldine
*Fred Shiflet
*Emily Ryan
*Unnamed computer-lab attendant
*Clyde Raymond Cwash- Scored the lowest on the dating test. Possible stab at [[Clyde Cash]], even though in real life<ref>Or at least in what Chris [[Chris and reality|believes is real life]]</ref> he not only succeeded in two tasks Chris has so far failed - [[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts (CWCipedia page)#Sarah Cassandra McKenzie, A.K.A. PandaHalo|getting married and having a child]] - but also achieved those goals using [[Chris and sex#Rape|extremely Chris-like methods]].

===Scoundrals [sic] as Vessels===
{{main|Scoundrals As Vessels}}

Evil PVCC Decepticons, they're mass produced and act as heavy-duty attackers. Repaint of Swindle from ''Transformers Animated''

===Samurai Pizza Bots===
{{main|Samurai Pizza Bots}}

CWCVille's main machine protectors and obvious Autobot rejects. This team is comprised of:
*[[Prower]] - Punchy's motorcycle, recolor of Samurai Prowl from ''Transformers Animated''
*[[Son-Chu]] - Chris's gay ass car with a "SONICHU" vanity plate
*[[Bumble-Lumba]] - recolor of Bumblebee from ''Transformers Animated''. Also a pizza delivery car.
*[[Excelina]] - recolor of R.C. from ''Revenge of the Fallen''.
*[[Armoraxe]] - recolor of Sound Wave from ''Transformers Animated''. Even has a guitar as a weapon.

===Blazebob Sonichu and Chloe Rosechu===
{{main|Blazebob Sonichu|Chloe Rosechu}}

Both were created by [[PandaHalo]].<ref>From the CWCipedia "Sonichu" page, under "Sonichu's Evolution" ''"Fire Stone = Blazebob Sonichu (to be Introduced soon in Episode 20 with Chloe Rosechu; both were fabricated by late Loyal Sonichu/Rosechu Fan and True Australian Gal-Pal, PandaHalo. She died in the brushfires of Australia April, 2009; she will always have a place in my heart with her singing of "Lift Up Your Eyes" from PlanetShakers)."''</ref> They are saved by Panda before her gruesome death and start bawling at her death before a firefighter tells them to move their asses.

===IBAChandler===
{{main|CChanSonichuCWC}}

The ''Sonichu'' variation of Liquid Chris. This ground-type Sonichu is easily curb-stomped by Sonichu before he can really get the chance to attack. It's said that Liquid's medallion was made out of paper.

===Cerah, Christine, and Robbie===
{{main|Sonichu and Rosechu's Children}}

The demonic spawn of Sonichu and Rosechu. Robbie is known for his screechy voice and [[speech impediment]], Christine is known for being [[Chris and his ego|self-absorbed]] and "shiny" (read: not really Sonichu's), and Cerah is known for absolutely nothing at all. All are equally abominable in the eyes of the Lord. These three simply show up at the end of the comic with only one extremely minor mention prior to then, and their births have never been shown. It is extremely likely that these three were created in response to trolls pointing out that Sonichu and Rosechu were having premarital underage sex.

==[[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]]==

===Bugs Bunny===
[[Image:Bugsbunny.jpg|thumb|Bugs, enjoying what appears to be a joint.]]

A beloved American cartoon icon for decades, representative of the wacky World War II propaganda cartoons and the early 20th century vaudeville theater, '''Bugs Bunny''' appeared briefly in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] to scold [[Jimmy Hill]] for his [[Parody|infringement]] upon [[Sonichu]]'s [[Chris and Copyright|copyright]]. This is a subtle reference to Mr. Hill's conviction over bootlegging Warner Bros. merchandise in Europe years earlier.

===Constables Gerald Grant and Louis Perez===
[[Image:geraldandlouie.JPG|thumb|Constables Gerald (left) and Louis, with firm friend Sonichu.]]

Two of [[CWCville]]'s policemen (true blue, not [[Jerkops]]) who show up in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] to apprehend [[Inos]]. Despite this being their first appearance, they are shown as good friends of [[Sonichu]].

Gerald is the white officer, with a strong chin resembling Quagmire of ''[[Family Guy]]''. He takes a [[Pedofork|particular interest]] in Sonichu's son [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Children|Robbie]].

Louis is the [[Niggos|black officer]] - Chris has confirmed that his addition was affirmative action in [[Mailbag_50#And_in_closing...|Mailbag 50]]. He greets Sonichu with a hearty "MY BRO!" and a fist-bump. Chris is clearly pulling out all the stops to achieve a diverse and nuanced cast. Sonichu in turn inquires about his wife and "[[duck|little Lou]]"; they are reportedly "just chillin'".

It is worth noting that the office of Constable is no longer used in [[Virginia]], calling into question the legitimacy of their authority.

===The Asperpedia Four===
[[Image:Maoalecevansean.jpg|thumb|The Asperpedia Four on trial. (clockwise from the top: Mao, Alec, Evan, Sean)]]

The main users of the Asperpedia. They are arrested and executed by Chris and the others for their roles in the death of Simonla. The four are:

*[[Alec Benson Leary]] - the creator of Asperchu. Is attacked off screen by the pseudo Chaotic Combo and Mitch Sonichu for "giving them Asperger's and drawing them SOOOO horribly." Is electrocuted by Chris and the Chaotic Combo.
*[[Evan]] - Simonchu's creator. Is castrated and drilled to death by Sandy and Wild.
*[[Sean August Watley]] - Creator of Moon-Pals. Is shot to death by Allison, Bill the Scientist, and Kel.
*[[Asperpedia|Mao]] - Asperpedia admin. Is [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|broken]] and killed by Chris.

Chris would, in an attempt to appear like a less psychotic human being, make a new ending for Sonichu 10, wherein the four are condemned to live in a Amish community for the rest of their lives, which results in them becoming a bunch of [[slow-in-the-minds]] who spew [[random-access humor]].

===Sackboy===
{{main|Little Big Planet}}

The mascot and main character of the ''Little Big Planet'' game franchise. He appears in issue 10 to tell readers not to buy unauthorized copies of ''LBP'' for the [[Hex Box]].

===Jimmy Hill===
{{main|Jimmy Hill}}

Famed former soccer player turned commentator who was used as part of a trolling scheme against Chris. He is depicted in Issue 10 getting his teeth knocked out by Chris-Chan Sonichu's Hyper Beam before being scolded by Bugs Bunny.

===Clyde Cash===
{{main|Clyde Cash}}

Infamous troll who helped inspire many others. In actuality, Clyde's first appearance was in ''[[Sonichu Special 1]]'', capturing Ivy and trying to kill both Chris and Ivy when they escape. In issue 10, he's depicted as a panicking man as the 4-cent_garbage building began falling. Unwilling to let Chris kill him, he takes the hand of his lover, Jack Thaddeus, and leap to his death.

===Jack Thaddeus===
{{main|Jack Thaddeus}}

Person who owned the ads at the CWCkipedia and forced Chris to hump his [[PS3|Life Upgrade]]. He is depicted as another panicking man in the 4-cent_garbage building. He joins his lover, Clyde Cash, in leaping to their deaths, unwilling to let Chris have his victory.

===Meg Griffin===
{{main|Meg Griffin}}

Middle child of the fictional Griffin family, usually depicted as being ignored and humiliated by her family and just about everyone else. In Issue 10, she was a disguise by Silvana, who appeared, told Chris how awesome he was, shared a kiss with him, then disappeared. Worst troll ever.

===Asperchu/Mitch Sonichu===
{{main|Asperchu}}

Star of Alec Benson Leary's comic of the same name. When Ultra Sonichu appears, he takes away his personality and Asperger's and transforms him into Mitch Sonichu (and Chris expected Alec to follow suit).

===Chaotic Combo (Asperchu)===
{{main|Chaotic Combo (Asperchu)}}

Formerly the Asperchu versions of Sonichu, Punchy, Bubbles, Angelica, Wild and Magi-Chan. Ultra Sonichu appears and removes their "Asperger's" (despite none of them actually having the condition) and gives them new identities of Michael Sonichu, Bobby Sonichu, Kitty Rosechu, Trisha Rosechu, Whisp Sonichu and Swift Sonichu.

===Metal Asperchu===

A robot Asperchu created to find and collect the seven [[Sonichu Balls|Chaos Pickles]]. Is destroyed by the pseudo Chaotic Combo.

===Basement Rosechus===
{{main|Basement Rosechus}}

A set of Rosechus found in Alec's basement, malnourished and injured. Many had believed that Chris portrayed them as being raped by Alec, which Chris tried furiously to deny.

===Inos===
{{main|Inos}}

A homeless man discovered by Ultra Sonichu. To his horror, Inos is discovered with a five year cold and under the influence of weed. Ultra Sonichu steals his weed away then has the police slap his wrist.

===Simonchu===
{{main|Simonchu}}

The main hero of [[Evan]]'s Simonchu comics and Wild's lover in Asperchu. He attempts to kill his evil clone Simonla, but is stopped by Magi-Chan.

===Toilet Exploding Voltorb===
[[Image:Toiletexplodingvoltorb.png|thumb|Simonla's killer.]]

The Pokémon that kills Simonla with Self-Destruct.

===Sandy Rosechu===
{{main|Sandy Rosechu}}

The bastard child of Wild and Simonla. She is forced to be evolved by Wild and is trained by different Pokémon just so she can ''tear Evan's genitals out''.

===Judge Slack Lewis===

The judge presiding the case of the Asperpedia Four. He has an obvious bias towards Chris and allows everything that goes on. He may or may not be a rip-off of [[wikipedia:Lewis Black|Lewis Black]], a comedian who would likely rage at Chris and the comic.

===Marvey Blaziken===

A shameless ripoff of Harvey Birdman, except with a Blaziken instead of a Bird. Serves as the Prosecutor for the Asperpedia Four's trial. Marvey is clearly a personification of [[Chris and the Law|Chris's poor understanding of the American legal system]] as he is able to win the case with no evidence beyond "they drew bad comics". He also appears at the end of the comic to be Chris's Mouthpiece against fans for having the AUDACITY to want semi-regular updates.

==[[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]]==

===Kevin===
An unseen friend of [[Cerah Rosey]]. Since he's Jewish, Cerah bakes him as a gift a candle-shaped cookie for Hanukkah, due to the candle-related symbolism in this holiday's rituals. Cerah also makes the flavor vanilla, just in case poor Kevin had any nut/chocolate allergies. Instead of simply asking if he's allergic, she just assumes it.<ref>''[[Sonichu 11]]'', p. [:image:SchuComic11P4.jpg|4].</ref> Because Jews are sickly Melvins with many allergies, you see.

=="[[Sonichu Special 2]]"==

===Ching Chong===
[[Image:SchuComicSP2P4.jpg|thumb|It is said that perfect wedding days can feel like sweet blissful happy blur for everybody. Ching Chong certainly feels that way, but not in the usual sense... ''she was told about "recycling".'']]

A small [[China|Chinese]] girl that Ivy tutored in [[Chris and art|art]]. Ching Chong became mentally scarred for life due to her witnessing a video of Chris drinking his own "[[Semen|Navy]]" while innocently browsing the [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] website. Chris offered [[Chris and remorse|formal excuses]] to her in a [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 28th, 2009|Captain's Log video]]. In the comic she appears as the flower girl.

===Other Characters===
*[[Keino]] - Ivy's dad
*[[Crass and Champ]] - Ivy's hermit crabs which are ring bearers

*'''Canino Houndhowl''' - receptionist for wedding, a creation of [[Megan]] that Chris ripped off
*[[Metal Gear Solid|Gecko and Mantis]], a pair of Raptor Chefs.
*'''Lilith''' - A Meowth who is a bridesmaid
*'''Rachel''' - Ivy's best friend, the maid of honor
*CWCville Baptist Church Pastor
*[[My Little Pony]]
*'''[[MEOW|Spas]]''' - a feline pianist
{{clear}}

==[[Sonichu Special 4]]==
===CChanSonichuCWC===
{{main|CChanSonichuCWC}}

The real Christian Weston Chandler. Here, he is displayed as a knife-wielding madman who wants to cut up Kacey for... no real reason. Ian responds by disarming him then blowing out his shins.

===Kacey===
{{main|Kacey}}
Girlfriend of the real Chris and damsel in distress in the comic.

===Megatron===
{{main|Megatron}}
Seeing as the comic already depicted Optimus Prime mowing down evil, it's only natural that his eternal nemesis and leader of the Decepticons Megatron strike fear into the hearts of those who do good. He aids Ian by shooting an unarmed Chris in the legs.

===Kacey's Family===
All are thankful to [[Ian Brandon Anderson]] for shooting the unarmed Real Chris in the legs. Her family is comprised of:
**[[Father Call|Matt Devoria]] - Kacey's father who looks like Guile from Street Fighter 2. (Hates Ian in real life and doesn't want them to marry.)
**Kacey's mother
**Kacey's brother
**Kacey's sister - Says Ian is a "hot man" and Liquid Chris is a "[[CChanSonichuCWC#Irony|geeky twerp]]"

==Sonichu characters not seen in the comics but otherwise mentioned by Chris==
Being an avant-garde writer with little regards to outdated conventions, Chris ignores the idea of "show don't tell" and often introduces entire plots and characters in his writings rather than in his drawings. Some of those characters include:

*A [[Pokémon#Pokémon not appearing within the comics|plethora of various Pokémon]].
*A bunch of merpeople populating the lost city of Atlantis. Virtually nothing is known about them other than that they are friends of [[Bubbles]].<ref name="Bub cwcipedia">[[CWCipedia]] on [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Bubbles_Rosechu Bubbles Rosechu]</ref>
*Terrah LeAnne Yowman, her sweetheart Tippanston Gowen, and the various unnamed students mentioned in [[The High School Story]].<ref>[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Private_Villa_of_Corrupted_Citizens#The_High_School_Story The High School Story] on the [[CWCipedia]]</ref>
*A Pokémon Professor named [[Cole]] is mentioned on the CWCipedia. He examined Sonichu and Rosechu after they transformed into their currents forms, and was also responsible for teleporting Rosechu to Kel when the latter was engaging in gym battles.<ref name="Ros cpedia">[[CWCipedia]] on [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Rosechu Rosechu]</ref>
*Grace Rosewell, the Reverend at Samuel Memorial United Christian Church. Sonichu, Rosechu and the Chaotic Combo attend her service every Sunday.<ref name="Son cwcipedia">[[CWCipedia]] on [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu Sonichu]</ref>
*Fritz Richmond, a pastor at Samuel Memorial United Christian Church. Helped raise Angelica.<ref name="ang cwcipedia">[[CWCipedia]] on [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Angelica_Rosechu Angelica Rosechu]</ref>
*An ex-student of Shinabe who kills his master in revenge for an unknown slight. Punchy kills in return with a punch and buries him behind Shinabe's Dojo.<ref name="Son cwcipedia" />
*Three unnamed protectors of Parodyse Island - According to [[Megagi]]'s [[Animal Crossing]] card, she and three other unnamed individuals are the protectors of Parodyse Island.<ref>http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/File:315-ACMegagiBck.jpg</ref> Nothing further is known about them.

==Notes==
<references />

{{Sonichu}}
[[Category:Lists]] [[Category:Characters]]

Homos

2014-08-28T02:07:15Z

Jon-Nyan:

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:RainbowChris.jpg|thumb|Fun Fact: [[Rainbow]] colors are the internationally recognized colors for the gay pride movement.]]
{{Quote|I Am Straight; Vaginas and Boobies Give Me MY ERECTIONS; You Damn Homos have NO CHANCE with me EVER.|[[Chris]].<ref>[[Mailbag 31]]</ref>}}
{{Quote|I put a condom on the dildo and actually did put it up my, uh, A-hole. Uh...and uh, in my humble opinion, it just did not feel right to me. And uh, the anal beads, I just put 'em in there and they were, it's like... in. Not so stiff. So it was just that one time, then they got covered in poo, and I just, I put them in the trash can.|Chris.<ref>[[BlueSpike_PSN_Chat_3]]</ref>}}

'''Homos''' is the pejorative term by which [[Christian Weston Chandler]] refers to '''gay people'''. He uses this term almost exclusively. He also occasionally uses phrases such as "those of the wrong orientation", presumably because even saying the word "homo" makes him somewhat uncomfortable.

From the very beginning of his [[Internet]] fame in [[2007]], his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "[[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|STAY STRAIGHT]]" have been one of his most noted and exploited aspects.

==Fear of being a homo==
[[Image:0067-Christian&Barbie.jpg|thumb|left|Chris tried to stay straight from an early age, by posing with Barbie.]]
[[Image:CWC new novel.png|thumb|A glimpse into the future?]]

{{quote|"Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a [[Tomgirl|gender change operation]]."|Chris. <ref>E-mail to Megan, "I'm sorry... *[[sigh]]*:; Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm</ref>}}

Chris's homophobia is just that: He is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a [[pickle|penis]] without being "freaked out"<ref>[[CWC's Second Message]]</ref> and he has cited [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|several techniques]] he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women.<ref name="ReferenceA">[[Mailbag 3#Hypnotize away the gay|Mailbag #3]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 3#Sexy posters|Mailbag #3]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 4#Dissolving homoerotic thoughts in stomach acid|Mailbag #4]]</ref>

Chris is also convinced that chances of homosexuality are raised as a direct result of not engaging in heterosexual intercourse before maturation,<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Dating_Education</ref> his [[Dating education|Dating Education]] classes naturally being the reasonable solution to prevent people from becoming homos. He continues to attempt (and fail) to wildly assert his straightness, using anything from [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|a poster of Sailor Moon]] to objects as strange and totemic as his [[Optimus Prime]] toy.

==Hatred of homos==
Chris's animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability or desire to make him gay. He has often characterized the [[trolls]] as homos, which is either a basic ''ad hominem'' attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on [[Rosechu]] must be gay.

Notably, in [[IRC (02 January 2009)|an IRC chat]] from 2 [[January 2009]], Chris made this statement:

{{quote|if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [sic] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "[[Wikipedia:Deck the Halls|Deck the Halls]]"|Chris, 2 January 2009, 11:59.}}

[[Image:Bionic2.jpg|thumb|Chris projects his repressed homosexuality onto [[Bionic the Hedgehog|one of his own abominations]].]]

Chris further went on to propose a bizarre form of conversion therapy where all gay men would be imprisoned and made to sleep with both female offenders and prostitutes, thereby "reprogramming" them. Interestingly, a certain Herr Himmler had a similar idea, suggesting that "pink triangle" concentration camp prisoners be forced to sleep with (female) camp prostitutes.

{{quote|[they would be] taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts.|Chris, 2 January 2009, 12:01.}}

On [[CWC Update 18 February 2009|February 18, 2009]], Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his [[Gal pal|gal pals]] and his [[List of Chris's sweethearts|sweethearts]]. However, this was mostly done at the insistence of [[Julie]]; by [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus|10 March 2009]] Chris was [[Chris and religion|reciting verses from the Bible]] to justify his position against homos.

On 14 [[June 2009]], he created a video called ''[[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]'', which in the Chris-chan tradition of ruining everything you ever loved is a homophobic version of [[Wikipedia:Uncle Ruckus|Uncle Ruckus]]'s song "Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There" from [[Wikipedia:The Garden Party|the pilot episode]] of ''[[Wikipedia:The Boondocks|The Boondocks]]''.

Later on in the day, he published an apology for the video called ''[[I'm Sorry, Dude]]'', and insisted that he likes gays who "ac— ...accomplish other things, like [[Wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]], who was a homosexual, but y'know he did a good job being a narrator on ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]''." This quote, of course, displays Chris's ignorance, as Stephen Fry is also a famous actor, comedian, writer, narrator (on things other than ''LBP''), an author of several blogs that have a large Internet following, as well as being an advocate for gay rights. This apology was only posted for the sake of his [[gal pal]] [[Kim]]'s boyfriend, whose gay brother apparently lost both his arms in Iraq.

Chris occasionally tries to say he respects homosexuals for who they are. However, he repeatedly betrays his intolerance of different lifestyles, often within the same statement.

{{quote|"I personally respect the individual people as fellow human beings, and I am cool with associating with them as acquaintances and friends, but Please Do Not Wave Around what you do behind closed doors around me; NOBODY CARES TO KNOW; I PERSONALLY DO NOT CARE TO KNOW. Even within my imagination, I Do Not Care to even have the pictures Randomly Pop up in my head."|Chris. <ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Homosexuality</ref>}}

Chris sees no problem waving around his degenerate sexuality and showcasing real life pictures of his disgusting activities, but God forbid a well-adjusted male adult mention they love other men.

On 8 July 2009, Chris left a comment on a PSN News Post in reference to a Unity avatar.<ref>http://blog.us.playstation.com/2009/07/08/attention-fighting-fans-prove-youre-the-best-around/#comment-241496</ref>

{{quote|Hey, the Street Fighter Tourney is good news, but I have a concern about the person who left the message.

His Avitar…

If that icon is WHAT I THINK IT IS, I AM OFFENDED; please change your Avitar, dude.}}

On [[I Am The TRUE, Original CCWC|July 26, 2009]], Chris goes so far as to call "gay" a synonym for "stupid."

In the [[Mailbag]] section of the [[CWCipedia]], Chris describes at length his idea for his comic self to travel to the future, where scientists have successfully isolated the "homo gene" (An idea stolen from [[Wikipedia:Family Gay|this episode of]] ''[[Family Guy]]''). They have not, however, isolated the "straight gene", and are only able to when Chris donates his own blood (Chris has once remarked that [[Wikipedia: Sonderbehandlung|homosexuality could be cured by injecting blood from straight men into homosexuals]]). This storyline finally came to light in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris amended this plan to not only bring back a couple of syringes, but also enough of the "cure" to turn every gay person on Earth straight.

[[Jack Thaddeus]] purchased advertisement space on the [[CWCipedia]] to put up two ads on the site. One of them was an ad featuring Peter Griffin of ''[[Family Guy]]'', pointing out that he and his creator, Seth MacFarlane, were supportive of gay rights. In retaliation, Chris blew his stack, [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence|stating]]:

{{quote|I understand you getting paid to run ads in that box on the Cwcipedia. I feel okay with [[Vivian]]'s [[Audiobooks]], BUT I feel OFFENDED with the Mexico Contest and Gay-Rights Ads. The Pickle on the Mexico ad reminds me of a terrible time in my past with Pickle-Suited TROLLS, and '''I AM AGAINST HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLES and FOR STRAIGHT HETEROSEXUALITY.'''

Please Remove, or Change the Images of, THE TWO ADS.

And in the future, if you plan on adding more advertisements, INCLUDING the associated images, Please run them by me in a message for my personal Approval BEFORE you start running the ads.

Thank you.|Chris.<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=User_talk:WikiSysop#The_New_Ad-Links</ref>}}

In a [[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call|phone call]] with [[Jack Thaddeus]], Chris stated that he assumed that a friend of Jack's was gay when he heard that he had AIDS.

On Christmas Day, [[2009]], the Sysop at the CWCipedia added a Twitter feed onto the webpage. Two days later, Chris saw this and flew into a tizzy, wanting it off as he didn't want any "homo trolls" talking behind his back.

Around New Year [[2010]], Chris replaced Jack Thaddeus's gay-friendly ads with ads for [[wikipedia:Love In Action|Love In Action]] (an "ex-gay" ministry), ProtectMarriage.com (a site promoting [[wikipedia:California Proposition 8 (2008)|Proposition 8]]), and a site that calls for a boycott on Pepsi due to their gay-friendliness. In another ad, he also suggested that [[wikipedia:Avatar (2009 film)|''Avatar'']] was a ''totally'' straight film. To sum it up: Ex-gay campaigns, Proposition 8 and ridiculous consumer boycotts - in one fell swoop, Chris managed to put in three big things that do ''not'' win himself any gay friends whatsoever and prove all of his previous "respect" for gays is nothing but idle words.

On 5 [[January 2010]], Chris responded to a [[Mailbag]] letter addressing the homosexual subject. In the answer, Chris stated that [[Magi-Chan]] keeps a constant psychic-surveillance to ensure that there are no homos in CWCville. When evidence of homosexuality was found in a couple, the people involved would be [[Chris and the Law|arrested and fined heavily.]]

Then, on 7 January, when answering the question of how he began hating the gay population, we got this interesting insight...

{{quote|I estimate that I started hating them about Summer, [[2003]] just after I started my Sweetheart Search, where I received the response from one woman, "Ooh, I'm sorry, I am a Lesbian." That, combined with my PAST dislike of MEN in general AND the later pictured images of such acts led me to DISGUST AND HATRED FOR THE HOMOSEXUALS. Plus ALL of the Homos within the Trolls AND all Homosexual Fans with their WRONGFUL Quoting of MY comics and characters in THEIR PAPERS and ESSAYS promoting homosexuality, and EVEN WORSE a Sonichu BALLOON in one of their God DAMED Pride Parades!!! ALL OF THESE FACTORS have ONLY made my view of the Homosexual Males WORSE!|[[Common Questions#Answered 07 January 2010|Chris, before finally stating (for the umpteenth time) that Sonichu is straight.]]}}

Not only is this ironic, considering his current views on lesbianism, but it adds another interesting aspect to his hatred: Chris's frustration with homos is influenced by him being childish and whiny about not getting his way, just because ''one'' woman turned him down. We wouldn't expect anything different from him.

On 12 January, Chris appeared to soften his stance, saying that "Firstly, I am decreeing that homosexuals will have equal relationship rights within [[CWCville|Cwcville]], yet gay marriage is still Illegal and Wrong. And [[Magi-Chan]] will stay out of those people's heads under my request."<ref>[[CWC Blog#12 January 2010]]</ref> Of course, it's not clear how gays can have "equal relationship rights" if they can't marry, but Chris tends to be pretty weak on logic.

On 30 [[January 2010]], Chris voiced his opinion about the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the American military. He is for the lifting of the ban so that "[[Mailbag 49#Chris loves his country|the homos can go die in explosions]]."

On 15 [[August 2010]], [[Bob]] showed the same kind of hatred and prejudice as his son does for "DA HOMOS". In the [[Matthew Noble call]], Bob said that he believed that a few homosexual kids were working alongside [[Michael Snyder|Mike]] and [[Megan]] to get Chris banned from [[The GAMe PLACe]].

On the February 5th, 2012 entry on his [[Facebook_statuses|Facebook page]], he mentions buying Napoleon Dynamite because he learned 'that homo Andy Dick' didn't star in it.

In a [[Facebook]] post on March 29th, 2013, Chris threw a tantrum over media coverage of homosexual unions. Ironically, he showed support towards lesbian couplings, which would totally defeat the purpose of his [[sweetheart]] search since that would mean he'd have even ''more'' competition for single women.

==Views on lesbianism==

Whereas Chris' discomfort with homosexual males has been fairly consistent, his views on lesbianism have vacillated. In Chris's ''Carrie'' rip-off, "[[The High School Story]]", his Mary Sue character Terrah LeAnne Yowman is ridiculed as a lesbian by kids at her high school, because she hangs around with male friends all the time. As the work serves as a backstory to the villainous [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]], Terrah may have served as a fictional parallel to the endless accusations of homosexuality lodged by Chris' detractors, illustrating Chris' worldview of implied homosexuality as an insult.

{{quote|She felt angry when she heard "Lesbian"; when called that, she would leave the bully an intimidating [[Creepy stare|glare]] with a purple glow from her green eyes. Then soon after, a Strong, Straight [[Christian Weston Chandler|Homophobe]] would attack that bully with [[Chris and religion|No Mercy]]; beat the crap out of that person.|"[[The High School Story]]"}}

On 25 July 2009, Chris produced a [[CWC "Boyfriend"|rambling and nonsensical video]] to the tune of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend". In the middle of the video, Chris sings about the importance of "being straight" and intersperses a "STAY STRAIGHT" caption on a photo of a lesbian couple split in two.

{{quote|
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me!
Hey, you! Hey, you!
You need to be straight, girl!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your boyfriend! }}

Later, Chris would begin to revise his former hard-line attitude against lesbians. In ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'', Chris goes out of his way to state that the children of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] are watched over by [[Heather Iglesias]], whom he characterizes as "a pretty, trustworthy, good natured Spanish Lesbian."<ref name="Cwcipedia: Sonichu">[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu Cwcipedia: Sonichu]</ref> He further mentions that Heather keeps her sexuality a secret from the kids at the request of Sonichu himself.<ref name="Cwcipedia: Sonichu"/> Chris most likely shoehorned a lesbian character into ''Sonichu'' to appear more tolerant, although his attempt comes off as half-hearted in light of his continual derision of gay men and insistence that Heather hide her sexuality.

In [[Mumble 1]], Chris declares his support for lesbians and reiterates his simultaneous hatred for gay men, stating how he hates [[JERKS]] in general, and how a porn DVD helped to soften his view on lesbians. In effect, Chris supports lesbians solely because women are beautiful and men are icky.

{{quote|Uhh. Pretty much but it's like you know, between lesbians, it's like, hmm, partial courage. But then it's- but then again, but then between guys instead I would definitely 100% discourage. In my humble opinion...I've uh talked to others before with uh, [[PandaHalo|Sarah]], my uh s-s-Sarah, my girlfriend. I can not be willing to do a threesome with uh two women, but defina- but definitely never with two guys.|Chris, [[Mumble 1]]}}

{{quote|Yes, Yes they are- yes they're they're more beautf- they're more beautiful. They're like, they're really- they're truly like works of art in their own way- just like yeah you know, just like you know the statues that uh, were in past times.|Chris, [[Mumble 1]]}}

On 28 [[March 2013]], Chris posted a public [[Facebook#Gay Marriage |Facebook message]] whining about repeat media coverage of the Supreme Court's [[:wikipedia:Hollingsworth v. Perry|Proposition 8]] and [[:wikipedia:United States v. Windsor|DOMA]] deliberations. In it, he reiterates his support for lesbians and his disapproval of "the damn homosexual males".

== Chris and transgender topics ==

[[Image:Die-cis-scum.jpg|thumb|right|Likelier than you think.]][[Image:Chris_15_Aug_2014_changed_profile_pic.jpg|thumb|right|Chris the "Male Lesbian Intersex Transgender."]]

Chris has stated that, if he were to find himself experiencing pervasive same-sex attraction, he would undergo sex reassignment, so as to become a heterosexual woman, as opposed to a gay man.<ref>[[Mumble 1]] "I'd sooner have a sex change before I would ever turn into a homo."</ref> (Note: He may have changed his position some time later.<ref>[[Calling Out Jack Thaddius - Ahuviya]] "In his case of him, uh, having his operation and going through it, I feel that he would defi'itely not be considered any at all a woman- a woman whatsoever."</ref>) This implies that Chris considers trans women to be legitimately female, an uncharacteristically positive stance on an LGBT issue for Chris. Further, if the [[Tomgirl Saga]] is any indication, Chris himself may be [[Wikipedia:Genderqueer|genderqueer]]. During the aforementioned saga, Chris stated that "tomboys" and "tomgirls" ought to be allowed to use the restroom which matches their gender identity. A bona fide transgender activist might agree with such a sentiment.

As of [[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Ho Mo For Women|14 August 2014]], Chris openly identifies as transgender and claims to be supportive of LGBT rights:

{{quote|Just to keep it clear on the topic: I am a Male Lesbian Intersex Transgender. You can Google "Lesbian Identified Male" for more info on the subject. I am most sincerely into Women, and I am Female in my Soul. If you still persist, read my extensive response in the Comments of this Post. I am fully supporting Human Rights Equality, Regardless of my own emotions of some people, and I am fully supporting same sex marriage as well in that same regardless.

Please do not ask me any questions; just feel glad that I am on your side now and from now on the issues.

Thank you.|Chris}}

==Evidence that Chris might be gay==

[[Image:564Homos.jpg|thumb|left|At least Chris doesn't fail at cataloging pictures. [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Homosexuality No, it's not a shoop].]]

[[Image:CWCMonica.jpg|thumb|Oh lawd, is dat sum lipstick on Chris?]]

{{quote|First off, should such images [of men's asses] enter your mind at random, just stop yourself. I have had this problem too. I would take all such images when they enter my mind and just delete them; I imagine, in my mind, rolling them all into a ball, shrinking it down, and tossing them into a garbage can that links to my Stomach through a direct bodily vein. I imagine the feeling of it falling through the vein and making its splash landing into the stomach acid and dissolving; gone forever.|[[Mailbag 4|Mailbag #4]] - Chris admitting he's had homoerotic fantasies ([[Recycling|and eats imaginary man asses]]).}}

[[Image:Sonichuballs.jpg|thumb|For someone who claims to be straight, Chris sure does love talking about BALLS. Also, balls are touching.]]
[[Image:0430-ChristianWTallStack2.jpg|thumb|That's one [[pickle|phallic]] [[Lego]] tower you're building there, Chris.]]
[[Image:Chris-Straw.jpg|thumb|Why do I get the feeling he wants to suck a [[duck]]?]]
[[File:ChrisNewShoes.png|thumb|Totally not gay at all.]]
[[File:ChrisOneEyebrow.png|thumb|''One... eyebrow.'']]

Ironically, the harder Chris [[I am STRAIGHT|tries to convince people]] he's straight, the gayer he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, colorfully-dressed, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to ''Playboy''!"<ref>[[CWC Update 18 January 2009]]</ref> every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Furthermore, the more we learn about Chris, the more gay he really appears to be.

* Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would [[Tomgirl|rather be female]] than gay. It should be noted that straight men never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref>
* He collects [[My Little Pony]] figures well into adulthood.
* For a straight man, he sure does [[Semen#Transcript|consume a lot of semen]]. Likewise, the idea of [[Kacey Call 1|licking his own ejaculate]] off one of his gal-pals sexually arouses him.
* Like many gay men, most of his [[gal pal|"friends"]] were female and he never slept with any of them.
* In a [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3|PSN Chat with Julie]], Chris admitted that he randomly has images of penises (his own and others he's seen in porn) pop into his head. He also claims to hear voices in his head that say "Christian is gay." Unless Chris is having ''very specific'' auditory hallucinations, it's likely he has homoerotic daydreams and freaks out about it. In the same chat he sounded ''delighted'' describing the first time he saw semen in a porno movie as a teenager.
* In the chat where [[Julie Reveals Herself]], when [[Bluespike|Max]] told Chris to suck his dick, Chris asked, "How can I do yours if I'm all the way over here?" instead of simply saying "No." Also, later on in the same chat, Chris attempted to show Max his [[Duck|duck]] when the latter began to taunt him with claims that he had a [[China|pussy.]] While you might be thinking that it's a typical knee-jerk reaction from Chris, an [[Julie_Reveals_Herself:_The_Prequel|earlier chat]] reveals a part where Chris ''offers'' to show Max his dick.
* He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. In a chat during the [[Vanessa Saga]] on 16 [[April 2009]], he claimed that he no longer shoved things up his ass, except for "a narrow jet of water from my adjustable shower-head on a hose."<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 3|Vanessa IRC Chat III]]</ref> Although it is quite possible to stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.
* Chris said that he would put something up his ass for [[Ivy]] "in a heartbeat," including a large fake dick, and would let her fuck him with a strap-on.<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 7|Vanessa IRC Chat VII]]</ref>
* Chris said that he might let a gay guy fuck him if Ivy wanted that.<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 9|Vanessa IRC Chat IX]]</ref>
* Chris once drew [[Sonichu]], a male character, on his [[duck]].
* During their correspondence, [[Jackie]] told Chris she was curious about anal sex.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 5]]</ref> Instead of taking it to mean she wished to be penetrated from behind (as most men would have understood it), Chris thought she wanted to use a strap-on/anal bead on him and said he would comply. In her next email, Jackie clarified her intentions but said she was open to the prospect of being the penetrative partner,<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 6]]</ref> leading a jubilant Chris to discuss his past anal experiences in detail.
* According to [[List of Chris's Adam & Eve purchases|receipts]] uncovered by trolls, Chris specifically asked for anal beads as a gift with an order of pornography. Chris, however, lied, claiming that the anal beads as well as a vibrator were sent to him as a gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. Chris kept said vibrator around for months.
* In the [[Chris Sex Logs]], Chris shows off a dildo to [[PandaHalo]]. He immediately suggests the phallic sex toy is something that [[Sex_Logs#This_is_my_dildo|goes up your butt]], and then immediately denies it's been up his butt. He also says having a dildo in your butt "will feel good."
* On [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|5 February 2009]] Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man (or a 'gaybian'). He later issued a retraction, which was far less persuasive.
* When negotiating for the safe return of his PSN account from [[BlueSpike#Max|Max]], Chris was given the choice of burning his [[medallion]] or shoving it up his ass. Chris immediately chose to shove it up his ass.
* When [[Julie_Reveals_Herself|Julie finally revealed herself]] as a [[pedofork|13 year old boy]], Chris's immediate response was "I did not know you were a 13 year old!" making it sound like he's shocked by the age but not the least bit concerned about the fact that he's a boy.
* Chris thought a straight woman would be turned on by a [[nudes|close-up picture of his anus]].
* He wears a pink [[Belt Buckle of Fail|belt buckle]].
* He owns a set of [[Anime Wings]] i.e. hair clips, i.e women's fashion accessories.
* His best man at [[CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me"|his wedding]] is [[Sarah Hammer]] in drag.
* He sang "I Love the Nightlife" on his [[Chris's Big Night Out|visit to a local bar/restaurant]], which is popular at gay clubs and drag revues.
* [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys (album)|''Christian and the Hedgehog Boys'']] features two covers of the [[Wikipedia:Backstreet Boys|Backstreet Boys]], one cover of a [[Britney Spears]] song, and one cover of a [[Wikipedia:Ricky Martin|Ricky Martin]] song. This music was popular among thirteen-year-old girls when it was new and is popular among the gay community today.
* [[muscle bra|He wears a bra.]] In fairness, he uses it to [[Fridays After Five|try to attract women]].
* He [[Clyde is Weaker than Water|implores men to wear bras]] because looking at shirtless men makes Chris uncomfortable,<ref>[[Mailbag 55#On brassieres|Mailbag 55]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 55#Draconian_fun.21|Mailbag #55]]</ref> possibly arousing latent homosexual urges.
* When you look up "Homosexuality" in Chris's [[CWCipedia|own web encyclopedia]], you ''literally'' see his own portrait (as shown on the screencap at the top of this section).
* In the [[PS3 History Level]] video, he showed that he actually owns a copy of [[Wikipedia:Sex and the City (film)|''Sex and the City'']] (the film) when he showcased his then current collection of [[PS3]] games and movies.
* In his response to a letter in [[Mailbag 4]] about "impure" homoerotic thoughts, Chris confesses that he "[has] had this problem too," and has to resort to deleting them through a curious process that involves dropping the thoughts into his stomach acid, lest the gay gene take its toll.
* Chris reacts to [[Alec Benson Leary]]'s ''[[Asperchu]]'' comics by giving all the characters a [[Wikipedia:Queer Eye|free makeover]].
* In [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris donates some of his "straight blood" to doctors in the future so that they could make a vaccine against homosexuality. Vaccines are made from the virus, implying that Chris is "infected" with homosexuality if his blood could be used to make a vaccine.
* One of Chris's ''[[ModNation Racers]]'' vehicles is called "A Man's Toy", which is a light blue carriage with [[rainbow]] lollipop wheels and a message that says "Tea parties are good and nice" on the rear end of the carriage.<ref>http://community.modnation.com/en-us/players/Sonichu/creations/1296110</ref>
* In the guise of his trollsona [[JenkinsJinkies]], Chris used [[Trollin Train]] to go into far more detail than was necessary about a supposed homosexual encounter, describing various acts with a relish out of place for someone who claims to be disgusted by the mere thought of a penis.
* In the above same Trollin Train post he mentioned achieving [[Semen|Comeuppance]] before vomiting, indicating he had an erection, and thus was sexually aroused from being sodomized by a man.
* He made a drawing of [[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] [http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/File:Punchylaylalove.jpg wearing panties and a bra].
* He also made a [[:File:SchuSoneeRosey.jpg|drawing]] of a [[Sonee & Rosey|Sonee and a Rosee]] in which the hairless spot on the Rosee's abdomen looks like an erect penis.
* The [[Scrapbook of Fail]] contains a [[:File:115-CWCEmbarassed.jpg|self portrait of Chris]] as the ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' character [http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Dark_Magician_Girl Dark Magician Girl].
* He [[Tomgirl|voluntarily dressed up as a woman]], went out in public and used [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Girly Things Tee Hee|the woman's washroom]]. While not all cross-dressers are homosexuals and vice-versa, men who are afraid of being seen as a homosexual generally do not take a disturbing amount of pride in cross-dressing in public. When [[Bob]] learned of Chris's crossdressing, his immediate response was to call him a "fag".
* On the 29th April, 2012, Chris 'reveals' that the gay camp experience story he made up as [[JenkinsJinkies]] was a fake. Aside from the fact that [[Naive|absolutely nobody fell for this at all]], it does leave this question: Out of all of the stories that Chris could have made up under a fake identity, why did he go with one where he gets sodomized at [[Pedofork|seven]]?
* [[It%27s_not_that_cold|This video]], where Chris infamously says, "Would you fuck me, 789chan? I'd fuck me." Take note that Chris is dressed in a mini-skirt and hikes it up to reveal his grotesque man ass at the camera, indicating that he'd like to be taken from behind.
* Whenever anyone calls Chris out on his [[Women's rights|objectification of women's bodies]], he is always quick to back-pedal and say he appreciates women more for their personalities, unaware that personalities are the key reason for relationships between gay men and their female friends.
* Chris created a modified version of the song "Don't Trust Them New [[Niggos|Niggas]] Over There" from ''The Boondocks'' called "[[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]". However, the character who sings the original song is Uncle Ruckus, a self-loathing black man. This makes Chris look like a self-loathing homosexual.
*The fact that he uses the [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail]] to keep himself straight, implies he has homosexual thoughts and fantasies that he wants to keep in check. The irony of the fact that he thinks staring hard enough at a poster of a gay icon will magically suppress these homoerotic urges is lost on him.
* After [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] became Chris's equal and opposite as the result of the latter's brief immersion in the [[Dark Mirror Hole]], he turned openly gay. One would think that this logically means Chris is straight, except for the fact that it's made clear that the two differ only in their openness, not their homosexuality.
* Chris posted an absurd riddle on [[Facebook#The_Riddle|Facebook]] containing random pictures, containing Mark Cuban, lemon cake, Delaware Blue Hens and the Sphinx. It's worth noted that :
**[http://i.imgur.com/oKAtnAo.jpg Mark Cuban] is gay.
**Lemon Cake is often dyed rainbow in [http://i.imgur.com/qy1U14g.jpggay pride festivals].
**Delaware is one of the only states to uphold [http://i.imgur.com/YVAnfl9.jpg gay marriage].
**Hens often exhibit homosexuality, and there's a game called [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gay%20chicken Gay Chicken].
**And the sphynx is also a breed of cat. A breed of cat that's [http://i.imgur.com/uBwdEdz.jpg really gay].
* In 2012, Chris signed in the [[CWCki Forums]] as "paintingatree". The term "Painting The Tree" is an [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Painting%20the%20tree act of oral sex], which may refer to Chris's [[duck]].
* Chris posted a picture on [[Facebook#I_got_new_shoes|Facebook]] showing his new shoes. Note the gay pink laces and it looks like sneakers worn for women.
* Chris posted a pointless picture on [[Facebook#One_Eyebrow|Facebook]], showing his eyebrow. Note that it's '''eyebrow''' and not '''eyebrows''', as [http://www.discodamaged.com/2010/12/lesbians-to-grown-on-eyebrow.html lesbians are proposing to grow one eyebrow on Decembrow].
* Chris pierced his right ear (twice), a common, albeit dated, code for homosexuality.
* Chris wrote a [[February_2014_Facebook_Posts#Tabitha_St._Germaine|Facebook post]] comparing Tabitha St. Germaine to Judy Garland, a gay icon.
* Attempting to prove that [[Christopher's name change|Christopher]] is a separate identity, Chris favorited and commented on a number of gay [[pedofork]] [[anime]]s on [[Youtube]].
* In his August 2014 Facebook posts, Chris identified himself as a 'tranny' and a 'Ho Mo' ''(for the ladies, [[Chris_and_English|according to him]])'', placed an equality support symbol on his page's banner, and spoke about women being "supportive" of his choices. He's blissfully unaware ''(or outright doesn't care)'' that all of this makes him look like he's come out of the closet.

==Defenses against becoming a homo==
[[Image:CWCIsSTRAIGHT.jpg|thumb|According to Chris, heterosexuals defend their sexuality by taping index cards indicating their straightness to their shoes (while stomping on [[Sex toys|vibrator]]s). Srsly.]]
It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon poster]] which he stares at everyday to stave off temptations of homosexuality.

Chris also subscribes to ''[[Wikipedia:Playboy|Playboy]]'' to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five seconds for him to get around to boobies and [[China|vaginas]].

When homosexual (or potentially homosexual) [[trolls|fans]] sent Chris questions on the [[CWCipedia]] asking for tips to STAY STRAIGHT, Chris tends to offer what essentially amounts to self-brainwashing. Some of his ideas include thinking of naked women and how awesome they are, and imagining being struck by painful lightning whenever a homosexual thought occurs as an extremely severe and disproportionate punishment.<ref name="ReferenceA"/> He also clarifies that one needs not buy their own poster of fail; any poster featuring attractive women (preferably in bikinis and looking sexy) will do the trick.

To prevent future homos, he also encourages women not to drink, smoke, or be physically abused while pregnant because he believes this could cause the baby to be born homosexual.<ref>[[Mailbag 5#Daniel Tammet/Punching your baby will make it gay|Mailbag #5]]</ref>

In ''[[Kill De Jack]]'', Chris reveals another one of his defenses against becoming a homo: He covers a section of his "[[CWC-ism|computer]]" (We can assume that he means "computer screen") with a piece of paper so that he can browse [[CWCipedia]] without looking at [[Jack Thaddeus]]'s ads featuring pictures of homosexual men.

It seems that the centerfold poster of [[The_Simpsons#Marge_Poster|Marge's ''Playboy'' magazine]] has become one of Chris's many defenses against becoming a homo. The fact that she's married has [[Kacey|no bearing on Chris's desires]].

Considering the large amount of blatantly homoerotic activities Chris has engaged in, it's a safe bet to say he's a self-hating closeted homosexual, and no amount of defenses will stop the man-child's suppressed urges.

{{quote|But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.|-Matthew 28, [[Chris and religion|something Chris has probably never read, nor wouldn't care to read.]]}}

==Chris on his alleged homosexuality==

[[Image:CWCRockin4Way.jpg|thumb|"If I was a homosexual or anything like that, would I not be [[Warning - Naughty Women ;)|having sex with THREE WOMEN?"]]]]

* "I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT! I WILL NOT BE VEERED INTO ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!!"<ref>[[Masturbating and squirtin']]</ref>
* "I'M STRAIGHT! I'M STRAIGHT! '''YOU'RE THE HOMOS!''' EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008]]</ref>
* "I'm straight, don't doubt me!"<ref>[[PS3 History Level]]</ref>
* "Listen, as hard as you fucking can, I CAME OUT OF MY AUTISTIC [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|CLOSET]] AS A STRAIGHT MAN, and NOTHING ELSE. SO YOU IMMATURE JERKS CAN JUST FUCK OFF."<ref>[[IRC (20 January 2009)]]</ref>
* "Yep, you heard me. I am...a [[gaybian|gaaaaaaaaay...bian]]."<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the First Video]]</ref>
* "Anyway the, uh- anyway so, to get to the point...fine. I'm guhh. I'm gaaaay. I'm gaay. I said it...OK. Yep. So...did I really come out of the closet there? That just depends on y'all- how y'all understand it."<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the Second Video]]</ref>
* "And look at me. Do I look like- [*shakes head in disagreement*] '''No more of those stupid acquisition messages!''' Get it through your fucking, individual, damn, dirty SKULLS! '''I. Am. STRAIGHT!'''"<ref>''[[I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts]]''</ref>

Curiously, in his own [[A Public Announcement for Congress|campaign ad]], Chris announced a promise of "gay marriage ability for every state within the United Nations." Suffice to say, this has not helped him in the polls.

==Chris the lesbian==

[[File:ChrisFB14Aug2014-2.jpg|220px|left|thumb|32 years of proud homophobia gone right down the drain.]]

On 14 [[August 2014|August 2014]], Chris posted on his [[Facebook]] page that he is officially a "lesbian identified man".<ref>[[August 2014 Facebook Posts#Chris comes out...kinda]]</ref> He posted a picture of someone holding an LGBT flag while proclaiming support for the equality movement. Chris stated that "I do not have a wristband yet, but I intend to get one later. I support the LBT fully; the G.M.s are fortunate to be on this boat."

It should be noted that while Chris is still showing some animosity towards gay men, this is a fairly progressive stance compared to Chris's [[Niggos|usual]] [[Chris and religion|opinions]].

On the other hand, as anyone who's even mildly aware of sexuality and gender will tell you, a lesbian male isn't actually a [[Chris and reality|real thing]]. The usual idea of a 'lesbian in man's body' is just something a guy might google after [[Mass debating|jerking off]], so the fact that Chris thinks that a link to Yahoo Answers is somehow evidence of its existence, is, to say the least, pathetic. If Chris has honestly had a turn of heart, and realized the errors in his ways when it comes to homosexuality, we'll just have to wait and see. However, considering his [[List of Chris's lies|previous actions]], it's probably unlikely.

==See also==
{{CWCipedia|chris=Homosexuality}}

* [[Chris and sex]]
* [[Chris and religion]]
* [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet]]
* [[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]
* [[Gay 4 Sonichu]]
* [[Gaybian]] (a "male lesbian", according to Chris)
* [[It's UGH!]]
* [[Rainbow]]
* [[Reldnahc Naitsirhc]]
* [[Magi-Chan]]
* [[Heather Iglesias]]
* [[Tomgirl]]
* [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]]
==Sources==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyO3pnkI3H4 CWC (Ian Brandon Anderson) finally admits it.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gE9hdbiwA3k Chris-chan is sick of the lies!]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOpGtblij8Y Chris-chan proves those slanderous trolls wrong.]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:Homos]]

Weens

2014-08-28T02:01:19Z

Jon-Nyan:

Rounding out the unholy trinity of [[White Knights]] and [[A-Logging|A-Logs]], '''Weens''' are several times as annoying as the previous two combined, which should tell you something. A corruption of the phrase 'Epic Win', weens are wannabe [[trolls]] who attempt to recreate the ''actual'' epic win of previous generations of trolls but thanks to their blundering and unoriginality end up making Chris of all people look like the master troll. In other words, they're the hyperactive preteen cargo-cultists who annoy the everloving ''fuck'' out of non-weens with their [[random-access humor|complete lack of talent and humor]].

Still confused? Maybe a video or two will help get the point across.
<center>{{#ev:youtube|SZyS7SDVyMQ}} {{#ev:youtube|4yUUi2Qco5Q}}</center>

==What Weening consists of==
[[Image:epicweentrolling1.jpg|thumb|THIS IS WHAT WEENS ACTUALLY BELIEVE]]
* Elaborate trolling plans.
* Prank calls to Chris's House. Double dumbass points if it's to scream JULAAAY! into the phone.
* [[A-Logging]]. Note that while not all weens are A-Logs and while not all A-Logs are weens, the vast majority of these dumbasses are both. The original A-Log was as much of a ween as an A-Log, what with his unfunny MST3K-wannabe videos.
* Facebook stalking.
* Scathing e-mails.
* Any kind of trolling plan, really.
* Terrible fanfiction that 'wittily' deconstructs [[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]] as a saccharine dystopia. [[Asperchu]] already did it, folks, time to move on.
* Terrible fanart of Sonichu that attempts to be wittily macabre by making it ([[Sonees and Roseys|even more]]) grotesque, ([[Episode 21|even more]]) gory, or ([[Episode 17|even more]]) perverse than it already was.
* Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where the regulars are known to congregate.
* Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where most of the members won't be familiar with Chris at all.
* Making frivolous or exaggerated claims of Chris's misconduct to sites like [[Ebay]] or [[YouTube]].
* Spoiling Chris's legitimate attempts at participating in [[contests]] or e-commerce.
But most notably,
* Breaking the [[law]] in pursuit of lulz, such as vandalizing Chris's property, illegally recording telephone conversations, or dishing out [[death threats]]. We shouldn't have to say this, but '''don't do this'''. For fuck's sake, people.

==Why you should avoid weening==
[[Image:REALChrisChanAndFriends.jpg|thumb|The [[Miscreants]], grateful to get away from all of the weens leeching off of their hard work.]]
Yeah yeah, we know what you're thinking. You're not one of those tryhard [[BlueSpike|13-year old boys]] who think that screaming '''JULAAAAAY!!!''' is the height of wit. You have a great plan to really get under Chris's skin and bring back the good old days and blah blah blah. While you may in fact be that guy, 99.9% of the time you should shitcan your trolling plans and move on with your life.

Why?

===There are much better targets than Chris===
If you're willing to put that much effort into trolling Chris, why not use that effort to choose a better victim? As much as the [[CWCki]] makes light of his [[Fanta|odd]] [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|behaviors]] and [[Ego|personality]] [[Chris and anger|flaws]], Chris isn't even ''close'' to the bottom of the barrel of Internet scumbags. Neo-nazis (looking at you, [[4-cent_garbage.com|/pol/]]), abusive lovers and parents, scam artists and other assorted shitbirds are much more deserving of concentrated trolling than Chris will ever be. Even if you don't give a shit about who the trollbait is as long as you get maximum lulz, current Chris (as discussed below) just isn't as amenable to trolling as he used to be. For the amount of effort you need to put into piercing his layers of white knights and paranoia you may as well just spend it on another lolcow who hasn't been inured to years of deceit.

For most aspiring trolls, the only reason to pick Chris over any random Internet jackass is because he's famous and you have a ready-made audience available to appreciate your supposed fine trolling efforts. But that's just you being a lazy fuckwad, not some trolling mastermind.

===The best trolls are chosen by fate===
With a couple of exceptions, the greatest trolls didn't mean to get into professional trolling. [[BlueSpike]] didn't even intend to create the [[Julie]] character, he just rolled with it when he saw an opening. [[Clyde Cash]] was an emergent meme and later a collective identity that metastasized from Chris [[Ryan Cash|jerking around his fanbase]]. [[Vivian]] used to be a sincere [[White Knight]] until she got fed up with his antics. [[Liquid Chris]] started out as a You-Tube nobody who ended up being surprisingly good at doing Chris impressions -- and then later noticed by Chris out of the blue. [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] thought that he was making a page on a run-of-the-mill lolcow and had no idea of the clusterfuck he was about to create. And [[Ivy]] had no idea that Chris was going to latch onto her so hard.

Bottom line, the biggest factor in whether a trolling plan is successful is flat-out luck. So stop trying to force your shitty trolling plans down Chris's throat.

==={{CURRENTYEAR}}'s Chris is not as gullible as he used to be===
Granted, almost no-one on Earth is as [[naive]] as Chris circa 2007-2009. However, Chris himself actually has learned that when he's contacted by people claiming to be [[Shigeru Miyamoto]] or [[Vanessa Hudgens]], chances are he's just being trolled. In fact, the naivety of the younger Chris has been swapped for an extreme paranoia, to the extent where he's even turned down attempts to get in touch by people he actually knew at high school or [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|college]]. Needless to say, he no longer responds to any random dork who contacts him, meaning that most trolling plans will fail to even get off the ground.

===Your idea is probably not original===
Quite frankly, it's probably been done before or better. It's pretty much impossible to top getting Chris to believe that the [[Miyamoto Saga|President of Nintendo]] was interested in his work. Or that there was a [[Liquid Chris|dang, dirty imposter]] whom everyone else thought was the ''real'' Chris and stealing his richly deserved fame. By and large, trolling plans tend to be some minor variation on what was already done, like 'what if we got his [[high school ring]]?' or 'what if we got him to see another stock parody of his comic?'

===Weenery discourages Chris from producing and justifies his victim complex===
Most of Chris's content came from a time when he believed he had lots of fans and everyone, barring a few trolls here and there, loved him. Constant epic weenery has made him think of himself as a victim who won't be able to do anything without being harassed. As a result, he's wised up and become far more private, meaning a lack of content for us.

===If you fail hard enough you will become a target for trolls===
While A-Log is ''the'' touchstone for trolling backfiring on the troll, it's important to remember that A-Log would've never attracted the attention of the Internet if he either: A.) toned down the vitriol or B.) didn't comment on so many videos. It was thereafter a fairly obvious leap in intuition to assume that someone with that level of monomania and hysteria had some skeletons in their closet of their own. By the same token, obsessive or excessive weenery is akin to plugging in a big neon sign pointing the trolls straight to your collection of Goku x Anne Frank slashfic and dried catskins.

===Even if you succeed you may regret it later===
Sometimes, trolls that somehow manage to succeed in extracting [[lulz]] from Chris-chan may end up getting more than they bargained for. [[Liquid Chris]] is probably going to have to fend off accusations from people outside of the Chris-chan bubble of tormenting an autistic virgin for his own amusement for the rest of his life. Even when [[BlueSpike]] turns 30 years old, people are still going to think of him as the crazed pervert who listened to a [[slow-in-the-mind]] masturbate for hours on end and made him cram a medallion up his ass.

To add to the irony, people who didn't intentionally mean to upset Chris are still getting unwanted attention from weens. How much money do you want to bet that [[Adam Stackhouse]] dreads seeing another 'you prevented Chris from raping Megan, congrats!' message from some unoriginal ween? Do you think that [[Mary Lee Walsh]] enjoys seeing herself as a nubile anime blonde who exists solely to torment a [[virgin with rage]] every time she or her students uses Google?

===Chris: Still the undisputed trolling champion===
Lest that we think that the current drought in content is because of a shortage of trolling triggers, Late 2013-2014 would easily have given us the biggest windfall in content were Chris still in the habit of making more videos. From Chris learning that his [[gal pal]]s were fake, to him flushing down his [[Ebay]] and commission money on [[Lego]] to [[14_Branchland_Court#Destruction_of_the_Chandler_Household|his house going up in flames]], if Chris had his old enthusiasm we'd be spoiled for content.

Chris is so good at turning his own life into a rolling disaster, not even the return of [[Clyde Cash]] could top what's currently going on. So just sit back, relax, and [[Cwcki|enjoy the show]].

==See also==
* [[Trolls]] - Examples of doing it right.
* [[A-Logging]] - Examples of doing it wrong.
* [[Michael Snyder]] / [[Adam Stackhouse]] / [[Mary Lee Walsh]] - Examples of doing it accidentally.

[[Category:Trolls]]

Chris and Spanish

2014-08-28T01:41:55Z

Jon-Nyan: less a-loggy heading

[[File:397-RicardoBadge.jpg|thumb|right|The badge don't lie.]]
'''[[Wikipedia:Spanish|Spanish]]''' is an Indo-European language spoken by over 350,000,000 people worldwide, one of whom is [[Christian Weston Chandler]]. Chris often uses Spanish in his videos and comics, as it is one of the few things that he actually learned at [[Manchester High School]] ([[Honor roll|however poorly]]). He often refers to himself by his Spanish name, '''Ricardo'''.

However, Chris's sub-par knowledge of Spanish does not seem to deter him from [[racism]] against [[Joshua Martinez|Hispanics]], creating a stereotypical [[Heather Iglesias|babysitter in his comics]] and a highly stereotypical sombrero-wearing Pokémon called [[List of cards from The Wall of Originals|Espanolic]], who "confuses its enemies with its language." Of note is that Chris has apparently learned the Castilian dialect of Spanish, unlike the Cuban that is taught in Florida or the Mexican that is taught in the southmost states, as noted by his use of European terms like ''ascensor'' for "elevator" (UK: "lift") instead of ''elevador'', his use of pesetas for currency instead of pesos, as well as his pronouncing "W" as ''doble V'' instead of ''doble U''.

==Chris's "knowledge" of the language==
[[Image:Axe en español.jpg|thumb|right|229px|An improved version of the infamous [[Axe]] ad, made by a real Spanish speaker.]]
As demonstrated in the picture above, Chris's grasp of Spanish is just slightly weaker than his grasp over the [[Chris and English|English language.]] The best sources of this are his [[CWC_Update_29_July_2009|address]] to our [[Liquid Chris|hero]] and the description to his [[Hotel Ricky Ricardo|hotel]]. He even claims to be fluent in Spanish on his [[resume]]. Chris is so sure of his mastery of the language that he feels himself entitled to mix the language to create [[Noviophobia]], which has its own whole set of problems.

{{Incomplete}}

==Ricardo Weston Chandler==
'''Ricardo Weston Chandler''' is Chris's Spanish alter-ego. Presumably named in honor of [[Wikipedia:Ricky Ricardo|Ricky Ricardo]], a main character in ''[[I Love Lucy]]'', one of Chris's favorite TV shows. This is a "Spanish name" Chris chose for Spanish class (a general practice in language classes where students will take a name in the language they're learning in order to "get into" the culture and language). Of course, while most people forget about this when they've left the course (or in some cases, even the teachers abandon the practice shortly into the course), Chris has adopted "Ricardo" as his actual Spanish name and uses it for his Spanish-related endeavors.

He is oblivious to the fact that in most European languages, people do not change their name when using a different language, but instead use the language's native form of the name, or transliterate it to fit the language's orthography. While Christian is actually a rather common name in Hispanic countries, if it were translated, his full name would be "Cristóbal Cristian Weston Velero" (alternatively, his middle name could be rendered "Huestón", as Spanish uses W only with loanwords). Of course it must be noted that Ricardo's linguistic skills have brought us gems such as [[noviophobia]] (from the Spanish ''novio'', "boyfriend"). It should also be noted that Ricardo is the Spanish and Portuguese version of the name "Richard", which is sometimes shortened to [[duck|"Dick"]].

==Works in which CWC uses Spanish==
[[File:Sonichu 4 caratula by amalockh1-d2yi4v6.jpg|right|thumb|What would likely happen if Chris tried to exercise his skills in a Spanish-speaking country.]]
*[[CWC Update 29 July 2009]]
*[[CWC's Pokésite 2]]
*[[Hotel Ricky Ricardo]]
*[[IRC (03 January 2009)]]
*"[[La Cocina en La Casa de Casanova]]"
*"[[Valentines Day Hymn]]"
*His leaked [[Manchester High Leaks#Spanish|Manchester High School homework]]
*[[Mumble_2#Chris.27s_fail-riffic_Spanish|Mumble 2]]
*[[OkCupid]]
*[[SingStar_Challenge#Transcript|SingStar Challenge]]
*[[U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L]]
*[[Sonichu_Girls#The_letter_in_Spanish|Chris's letters to the Sonichu Girls]]
*[[:File:396-PokePizzaria.jpg|El Café de Pokémon Pizzaria]] [sic]
*[[:File:052-LindaRonstadtIn.jpg|Christian's Favorite Hits: Los [sic] Canciónes [sic] Españolas de Ricardo]]
*[[Katie Bay E-mails 3|Chris's e-mails with Katie Bay]]
*[[Facebook messages|Facebook message to Christina]]
*[http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=CWC_Speaks CWC Speaks], an article on [[CWCipedia]] where he [[ego|brags about his fluency]] in the language.

==See also==
*[[Chris and English]]
*[[Heather Iglesias]], a [[homos|lesbian]] nanny who works for [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]]

{{Chris and}}

Weens

2014-08-02T08:55:05Z

Jon-Nyan:

Rounding out the unholy trinity of [[White Knights]] and [[A-Logging|A-Logs]], '''Weens''' are several times as annoying as the previous two combined, which should tell you something. A corruption of the phrase 'Epic Win', weens are wannabe [[trolls]] who attempt to recreate the ''actual'' epic win of previous generations of trolls but thanks to their blundering and unoriginality end up making Chris of all people look like the master troll. In other words, they're the hyperactive preteen cargo-cultists who annoy the everloving '''fuck''' out of non-weens with their [[random-access humor|complete lack of talent and humor]].

Still confused? Maybe a video will help get the point across.
<center>{{#ev:youtube|SZyS7SDVyMQ}}</center>

==What Weening consists of==
[[Image:epicweentrolling1.jpg|thumb|THIS IS WHAT WEENS ACTUALLY BELIEVE]]
* Elaborate trolling plans.
* Prank calls to Chris's House. Double dumbass points if it's to scream JULAAAY! into the phone.
* [[A-Logging]].
* Facebook stalking.
* Scathing e-mails.
* Any kind of trolling plan, really.
* Terrible fanfiction that 'wittily' deconstructs [[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]] as a saccharine dystopia. [[Asperchu]] already did it, folks, time to move on.
* Terrible fanart of Sonichu that attempts to be wittily macabre by making it ([[Sonees and Roseys|even more]]) grotesque, ([[Episode 21|even more]]) gory, or ([[Episode 17|even more]]) perverse.
* Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where the regulars are known to congregate.
* Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where most of the members won't be familiar with Chris at all.
* Making frivolous or exaggerated claims of Chris's misconduct to sites like [[Ebay]] or [[YouTube]].
* Spoiling Chris's legitimate attempts at participating in [[contests]] or e-commerce.
But most notably,
* Breaking the [[law]] in pursuit of lulz, such as vandalizing Chris's property or dishing out [[death threats]]. We shouldn't have to spell this out, but '''don't do this'''. For fuck's sake, people.

==Why you should avoid weening==
[[Image:REALChrisChanAndFriends.jpg|thumb|The [[Miscreants]], grateful to get away from all of the weens leeching off of their hard work.]]
Yeah yeah, we know what you're thinking. You're not one of those tryhard [[BlueSpike|13-year old boys]] who think that screaming JULAAAAAY! is the height of wit. You have a great plan to really get under Chris's skin and bring back the good old days and blah blah blah. While you may in fact be that guy, 99.9% of the time you should shitcan your trolling plans and move on with you life.

===There are much better targets than Chris===
If you're willing to put that much effort into trolling Chris, why not use that effort to choose a better victim? As much as the [[CWCki]] makes light of his [[Fanta|odd]] [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|behaviors]] and [[Ego|personality]] [[Chris and anger|flaws]], Chris isn't even ''close'' to the bottom of the barrel of Internet scumbags. Cult leaders, corrupt politicians, scam artists, neo-nazis, and other assorted shitbirds are much more deserving of concentrated trolling than Chris is. Even if you don't give a shit about who the trollbait is as long as you get maximum lulz, current Chris (as discussed below) just isn't as amenable to trolling as he used to be. The amount of effort you need to pierce his layers of white knights and paranoia you may as well spend on some lolcow who hasn't been inured to years of deceit.

For most aspiring trolls, the only reason to pick Chris over any random Internet scumbag is because he's famous and you have a ready-made audience available to appreciate your supposed fine trolling efforts. But that's just you being a lazy fuck at this point.

===The best trolls are chosen by fate===
With a couple of exceptions, the greatest trolls didn't intend to get into professional trolling. [[BlueSpike]] didn't even intend to create the [[Julie]] character, he just rolled with it when he saw an opening. [[Clyde Cash]] was an emergent meme and later a collective identity that metastasized from Chris [[Ryan Cash|jerking around his fanbase]]. [[Vivian]] used to be a sincere [[White Knight]] until she got fed up with his antics. [[Liquid Chris]] started out as a You-Tube nobody who ended up being surprisingly good at doing Chris impressions. [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] thought that he was making a page on a run-of-the-mill lolcow. And [[Ivy]] had no idea that Chris was going to latch onto her so hard.

Bottom line, the biggest factor in whether a trolling plan is successful is flat-out luck. A very distant second is using as light of a hand as possible.

==={{CURRENTYEAR}}'s Chris is not as gullible as he used to be===

===Your idea is probably not original===
Quite frankly, it's probably been done before or better. It's pretty much impossible to top getting Chris to believe that the [[Miyamoto Saga|President of Nintendo]] was interested in his work. Or that there was a [[Liquid Chris|dang, dirty imposter]] whom everyone thought was the ''real'' Chris.

===Weenery discourages Chris from producing and justifies his victim complex===

===If you fail hard enough you will become a target for trolls===
While A-Log is ''the'' touchstone for trolling backfiring on the troll, it's important to remember that A-Log would've never attracted the attention of the Internet if he either: A.) toned down the vitriol or B.) didn't comment on so many videos. It was a fairly obvious leap in intuition to assume that someone with that level of monomania and hysteria had some skeletons in their closet. By the same token, obsessive or excessive weenery is akin to plugging in a big neon sign pointing the trolls straight to your collection of Goku x Anne Frank slashfic and dried catskins.

===Even if you succeed you may regret it later===
Sometimes, trolls that somehow manage to succeed in extracting [[lulz]] from Chris-chan may end up getting more than they bargained for. [[Liquid Chris]] is probably going to have to fend off accusations from people outside of the Chris-chan bubble of tormenting an autistic virgin for his own amusement for the rest of his life. Even when [[BlueSpike]] turns 30 years old, people are still going to think of him as the crazed pervert who listened to a [[slow-in-the-mind]] masturbate for hours on end and made him cram a medallion up his ass.

To add to the irony, people who didn't intentionally mean to upset Chris are still getting unwanted attention from weens. How much money do you want to bet that [[Adam Stackhouse]] dreads seeing another 'you prevented Chris from raping Megan, congrats!' message from some unoriginal ween? Do you think that [[Mary Lee Walsh]] enjoys seeing herself as a nubile anime blonde who exists solely to torment a [[virgin with rage]] every time she or her students uses Google?

===Chris: Still the undisputed trolling champion===
Lest that we think that the current drought in content is because of a dearth of trolling triggers, Late 2013-2014 would easily have given us the biggest windfall in content if Chris made more videos. From Chris learning that his [[gal pal]]s were fake to him flushing down his [[Ebay]] and commission money on [[Lego]] to [[14_Branchland_Court#Destruction_of_the_Chandler_Household|his house going up in flames]], if Chris had his old enthusiasm we'd be spoiled for content.

If Chris is so good at turning his own life into a rolling disaster, not even the return of [[Clyde Cash]] could top what's currently going on. So just sit back, relax, and [[Cwcki|enjoy the show]].

==See also==
* [[Trolls]] - Examples of doing it right.
* [[A-Logging]] - Examples of doing it wrong.
* [[Michael Snyder]] / [[Adam Stackhouse]] / [[Mary Lee Walsh]] - Examples of doing it accidentally.

[[Category:Autistic Spectrum Disorders]][[Category:Trolls]]

Commissions (2014-2015)

2014-07-18T20:43:00Z

Jon-Nyan:

{{Incomplete}}

Starting on 1 [[July 2014]], Chris began taking commissions for his [[Chris and Art| artwork]]. He offered a B&W 8.5 X 11 for $50, a colored 8.5 X 11 for $100, and a colored drawing in a ''frame'' for $200. Though several B&Ws and coloreds were purchased, needless to say nobody was willing to pay the extra $100 for a frame.

== The "Art" ==
<center><gallery>
File:X53My9h.jpg|Aren't Sonichus and Rosechus supposed to be way shorter than humans?
File:BLb7Jot.jpg|"This is a match-up? What the hell? This is like Godzilla vs Sinbad the comic."
File:5Vnjx4Y.jpg|"Peace, okay? I'm willing to tolerate."
File:KKU61ya.jpg|The TRUE and HONEST Chris defeats Ian!
File:JdJd0No.jpg|What is this? I dont even
</gallery></center>

Commissions (2014-2015)

2014-07-18T07:44:10Z

Jon-Nyan:

{{Incomplete}}

Starting on 1 [[July 2014]], Chris began taking commissions for his [[Chris and Art| artwork]]. He offered a B&W 8.5 X 11 for $50, a colored 8.5 X 11 for $100, and a colored drawing in a ''frame'' for $200. Though several B&Ws and coloreds were purchased, needless to say nobody was willing to pay the extra $100 for a frame.

== The "Art" ==
[[File:X53My9h.jpg|thumb|Aren't Sonichus and Rosechus supposed to be way shorter then humans?]]
[[File:BLb7Jot.jpg|thumb|"This is a match-up? What the hell? This is like Godzilla vs Sinbad the comic."]]
[[File:5Vnjx4Y.jpg|thumb|"Peace, okay? I'm willing to tolerate."]]
[[File:KKU61ya.jpg|thumb|The TRUE and HONEST Chris defeats Ian!]]
[[File:JdJd0No.jpg|thumb|what is this i dont even]]

Template:Da update

2014-07-18T07:40:16Z

Jon-Nyan:

<center>[[Image:News.jpg]]</center>

* 17 [[July 2014|July]] - Chris uploads a number of videos in which he plays Mario Kart.
* 14 July - Chris tries to sell CDs of his father being a radio DJ on eBay.
* 6 July - Chris's [[OkCupid#LevelUpKing Profile|latest OkCupid profile]] is found.
* 1 July - Chris lists [[Autographed Photos|autographed photo portraits of himself]] on eBay.
* 30 [[June 2014|June]] - Chris lists two new drawings on [[eBay]], as well as payed [[commissions]].
* 22 June - Chris complains via Facebook about [[Sonic|Sonic's]] arm color in Sonic Boom and demands that it reverts to its original state.
* 19 June - Chris adds his [[Lego]] [[Manchester High School]] on [http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/LEGO_ReBrick ReBrick].

<noinclude>{{clear}}{{Usage|1= This template sits in a place of pride on the CWCki [[Main Page]]. It is a list of recent Chris-related activity, namely new content. To prevent the list becoming too long, older entries should be removed as newer ones are added - with no more than 6 or 7 entries being displayed. To add new update to the list, simply edit this template and place a brief description of what happened at the top of bulleted list. Entries should also be documented on the [[{{CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{CURRENTYEAR}}|current month article]].}}[[Category:Front page templates]]</noinclude>

Template:Da update

2014-07-18T04:59:22Z

Jon-Nyan:

<center>[[Image:News.jpg]]</center>

* 17 [[July 2014|July]] - Chris uploads a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OCcjXPMCJA video] in which he plays Mario Kart.
* 14 July - Chris tries to sell CDs of his father being a radio DJ on eBay.
* 6 July - Chris's [[OkCupid#LevelUpKing Profile|latest OkCupid profile]] is found.
* 1 July - Chris lists [[Autographed Photos|autographed photo portraits of himself]] on eBay.
* 30 [[June 2014|June]] - Chris lists two new drawings on [[eBay]], as well as payed [[commissions]].
* 22 June - Chris complains via Facebook about [[Sonic|Sonic's]] arm color in Sonic Boom and demands that it reverts to its original state.
* 19 June - Chris adds his [[Lego]] [[Manchester High School]] on [http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/LEGO_ReBrick ReBrick].

<noinclude>{{clear}}{{Usage|1= This template sits in a place of pride on the CWCki [[Main Page]]. It is a list of recent Chris-related activity, namely new content. To prevent the list becoming too long, older entries should be removed as newer ones are added - with no more than 6 or 7 entries being displayed. To add new update to the list, simply edit this template and place a brief description of what happened at the top of bulleted list. Entries should also be documented on the [[{{CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{CURRENTYEAR}}|current month article]].}}[[Category:Front page templates]]</noinclude>

Commissions (2014-2015)

2014-07-18T04:54:33Z

Jon-Nyan: Created page with "Starting on 1 July 2014, Chris began taking commissions for his artwork. He offered a B&W 8.5 X 11 for $50, a colored 8.5 X 11 for $100, and a colored d..."

Starting on 1 [[July 2014]], Chris began taking commissions for his [[Chris and Art| artwork]]. He offered a B&W 8.5 X 11 for $50, a colored 8.5 X 11 for $100, and a colored drawing in a ''frame'' for $200. Though several B&Ws and coloreds were purchased, needless to say nobody was willing to pay the extra $100 for a frame.

== The "Art" ==
[[File:X53My9h.jpg|thumb|Aren't Sonichus and Rosechus supposed to be way shorter then humans?]]
[[File:BLb7Jot.jpg|thumb|"This is a match-up? What the hell? This is like Godzilla vs Sinbad the comic."]]
[[File:5Vnjx4Y.jpg|thumb|"Peace, okay? I'm willing to tolerate."]]
[[File:KKU61ya.jpg|thumb|The TRUE and HONEST Chris defeats Ian!]]
[[File:JdJd0No.jpg|thumb|what is this i dont even]]

File:JdJd0No.jpg

2014-07-18T04:44:07Z

Jon-Nyan:

File:KKU61ya.jpg

2014-07-18T04:43:47Z

Jon-Nyan:

File:5Vnjx4Y.jpg

2014-07-18T04:43:31Z

Jon-Nyan:

File:BLb7Jot.jpg

2014-07-18T04:43:03Z

Jon-Nyan:

File:X53My9h.jpg

2014-07-18T04:42:35Z

Jon-Nyan:

Template:Da update

2014-07-18T04:10:27Z

Jon-Nyan:

<center>[[Image:News.jpg]]</center>

* 17 [[July 2014|July]] - Chris uploads a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OCcjXPMCJA video] in which he plays Mario Kart.
* 14 July - Chris tries to sell CDs of his father being a radio DJ on eBay.
* 6 July - Chris's [[OkCupid#LevelUpKing Profile|latest OkCupid profile]] is found.
* 1 July - Chris lists [[Autographed Photos|autographed photo portraits of himself]] on eBay.
* 30 [[June 2014|June]] - Chris lists two new drawings on [[eBay]], as well as payed commissions.
* 22 June - Chris complains via Facebook about [[Sonic|Sonic's]] arm color in Sonic Boom and demands that it reverts to its original state.
* 19 June - Chris adds his [[Lego]] [[Manchester High School]] on [http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/LEGO_ReBrick ReBrick].

<noinclude>{{clear}}{{Usage|1= This template sits in a place of pride on the CWCki [[Main Page]]. It is a list of recent Chris-related activity, namely new content. To prevent the list becoming too long, older entries should be removed as newer ones are added - with no more than 6 or 7 entries being displayed. To add new update to the list, simply edit this template and place a brief description of what happened at the top of bulleted list. Entries should also be documented on the [[{{CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{CURRENTYEAR}}|current month article]].}}[[Category:Front page templates]]</noinclude>

Template:Picture of the now

2014-06-14T08:00:05Z

Jon-Nyan: he wants 1000

[[File:01June2014-Original eBay Drawing.jpg|400px]]

[[Original Sonichu and Rosechu Drawing|Yours for $1,000 NO HAGGLE]].

<noinclude>{{clear}}{{Usage|1= This template sits pride of place on the CWCki [[Main Page]]. It is used to display a picture, which is normally related to recent Chris activity. Beside it should be a caption, quote or brief explanation of the picture, with appropriate wiki links.. Suggestions for new pictures of the now can be discussed on [[Template talk:Picture of the now|this template's talk page]].}}[[Category:Front page templates]] [[Category: Pages that have been edited by Chris]]</noinclude>

Homos

2014-06-12T01:47:18Z

Jon-Nyan:

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:RainbowChris.jpg|thumb|Fun Fact: [[Rainbow]] colors are the internationally recognized colors for the gay pride movement.]]
{{Quote|I Am Straight; Vaginas and Boobies Give Me MY ERECTIONS; You Damn Homos have NO CHANCE with me EVER.|[[Chris]].<ref>[[Mailbag 31]]</ref>}}
{{Quote|I put a condom on the dildo and actually did put it up my, uh, A-hole. Uh...and uh, in my humble opinion, it just did not feel right to me. And uh, the anal beads, I just put 'em in there and they were, it's like... in. Not so stiff. So it was just that one time, then they got covered in poo, and I just, I put them in the trash can.|Chris.<ref>http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/BlueSpike_PSN_Chat_3</ref>}}

'''Homos''' is the pejorative term by which [[Christian Weston Chandler]] refers to '''homosexual people'''. He uses this term almost exclusively. He also occasionally uses phrases such as "those of the wrong orientation", presumably because even saying the word "homo" makes him somewhat uncomfortable.

From the very beginning of his [[Internet]] fame in [[2007]], his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "[[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|STAY STRAIGHT]]" have been one of his most noted and exploited aspects.

==Fear of being a homo==
[[Image:0067-Christian&Barbie.jpg|thumb|left|Chris tried to stay straight from an early age, by posing with Barbie.]]
[[Image:CWC new novel.png|thumb|A glimpse into the future?]]

{{quote|"Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a [[Tomgirl|gender change operation]]."|Chris. <ref>E-mail to Megan, "I'm sorry... *[[sigh]]*:; Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm</ref>}}

Chris's homophobia is just that: He is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a [[pickle|penis]] without being "freaked out"<ref>[[CWC's Second Message]]</ref> and he has cited [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|several techniques]] he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women.<ref name="ReferenceA">[[Mailbag 3#Hypnotize away the gay|Mailbag #3]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 3#Sexy posters|Mailbag #3]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 4#Dissolving homoerotic thoughts in stomach acid|Mailbag #4]]</ref>

Chris is also convinced that chances of homosexuality are raised as a direct result of not engaging in heterosexual intercourse before maturation,<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php/Dating_Education</ref> his [[Dating education|Dating Education]] classes naturally being the reasonable solution to prevent people from becoming homos. He continues to attempt (and fail) to wildly assert his straightness, using anything from [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|a poster of Sailor Moon]] to objects as strange and totemic as his [[Optimus Prime]] toy.

==Hatred of homos==
Chris's animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability or desire to make him gay. He has often characterized the [[trolls]] as homos, which is either a basic ''ad hominem'' attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on [[Rosechu]] must be gay.

Notably, in [[IRC (02 January 2009)|an IRC chat]] from 2 [[January 2009]], Chris made this statement:

{{quote|if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [sic] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "[[Wikipedia:Deck the Halls|Deck the Halls]]"|Chris, 2 January 2009, 11:59.}}

[[Image:Bionic2.jpg|thumb|Chris projects his repressed homosexuality onto [[Bionic the Hedgehog|one of his own abominations]].]]

Chris further went on to propose a bizarre form of conversion therapy where all gay men would be imprisoned and made to sleep with both female offenders and prostituites, thereby "reprogramming" them. Interestingly, a certain Herr Himmler had a similar idea, suggesting that "pink triangle" concentration camp prisoners be forced to sleep with (female) camp prostitutes.

{{quote|[they would be] taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts.|Chris, 2 January 2009, 12:01.}}

On [[CWC Update 18 February 2009|February 18, 2009]], Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his [[Gal pal|gal pals]] and his [[List of Chris's sweethearts|sweethearts]]. However, this was mostly done at the insistence of [[Julie]]; by [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus|10 March 2009]] Chris was [[Chris and religion|reciting verses from the Bible]] to justify his position against homos.

On 14 [[June 2009]], he created a video called ''[[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]'', which in the Chris-chan tradition of ruining everything you ever loved is a homophobic version of [[Wikipedia:Uncle Ruckus|Uncle Ruckus]]'s song "Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There" from [[Wikipedia:The Garden Party|the pilot episode]] of ''[[Wikipedia:The Boondocks|The Boondocks]]''.

Later on in the day, he published an apology for the video called ''[[I'm Sorry, Dude]]'', and insisted that he likes gays who "ac— ...accomplish other things, like [[Wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]], who was a homosexual, but y'know he did a good job being a narrator on ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]''." This quote, of course, displays Chris's ignorance, as Stephen Fry is also a famous actor, comedian, writer, narrator (on things other than ''LBP''), an author of several blogs that have a large Internet following, as well as being an advocate for gay rights. This apology was only posted for the sake of his [[gal pal]] [[Kim]]'s boyfriend, whose gay brother apparently lost both his arms in Iraq.

Chris occasionally tries to say he respects homosexuals for who they are. However, he repeatedly betrays his intolerance of different lifestyles, often within the same statement.

{{quote|"I personally respect the individual people as fellow human beings, and I am cool with associating with them as acquaintances and friends, but Please Do Not Wave Around what you do behind closed doors around me; NOBODY CARES TO KNOW; I PERSONALLY DO NOT CARE TO KNOW. Even within my imagination, I Do Not Care to even have the pictures Randomly Pop up in my head."|Chris. <ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php/Homosexuality</ref>}}

Chris sees no problem waving around his degenerate sexuality and showcasing real life pictures of his disgusting activities, but God forbid a well-adjusted male adult mention they love other men.

On 8 July 2009, Chris left a comment on a PSN News Post in reference to a Unity avatar.<ref>http://blog.us.playstation.com/2009/07/08/attention-fighting-fans-prove-youre-the-best-around/#comment-241496</ref>

{{quote|Hey, the Street Fighter Tourney is good news, but I have a concern about the person who left the message.

His Avitar…

If that icon is WHAT I THINK IT IS, I AM OFFENDED; please change your Avitar, dude.}}

On [[I Am The TRUE, Original CCWC|July 26, 2009]], Chris goes so far as to call "gay" a synonym for "stupid."

In the [[Mailbag]] section of the [[CWCipedia]], Chris describes at length his idea for his comic self to travel to the future, where scientists have successfully isolated the "homo gene" (An idea stolen from [[Wikipedia:Family Gay|this episode of]] ''[[Family Guy]]''). They have not, however, isolated the "straight gene", and are only able to when Chris donates his own blood (Chris has once remarked that [[Wikipedia: Sonderbehandlung|homosexuality could be cured by injecting blood from straight men into homosexuals]]). This storyline finally came to light in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris amended this plan to not only bring back a couple of syringes, but also enough of the "cure" to turn every gay person on Earth straight.

[[Jack Thaddeus]] purchased advertisement space on the [[CWCipedia]] to put up two ads on the site. One of them was an ad featuring Peter Griffin of ''[[Family Guy]]'', pointing out that he and his creator, Seth MacFarlane, were supportive of gay rights. In retaliation, Chris blew his stack, [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence|stating]]:

{{quote|I understand you getting paid to run ads in that box on the Cwcipedia. I feel okay with [[Vivian]]'s [[Audiobooks]], BUT I feel OFFENDED with the Mexico Contest and Gay-Rights Ads. The Pickle on the Mexico ad reminds me of a terrible time in my past with Pickle-Suited TROLLS, and '''I AM AGAINST HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLES and FOR STRAIGHT HETEROSEXUALITY.'''

Please Remove, or Change the Images of, THE TWO ADS.

And in the future, if you plan on adding more advertisements, INCLUDING the associated images, Please run them by me in a message for my personal Approval BEFORE you start running the ads.

Thank you.|Chris.<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=User_talk:WikiSysop#The_New_Ad-Links</ref>}}

In a [[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call|phone call]] with [[Jack Thaddeus]], Chris stated that he assumed that a friend of Jack's was gay when he heard that he had AIDS.

On Christmas Day, [[2009]], the Sysop at the CWCipedia added a Twitter feed onto the webpage. Two days later, Chris saw this and flew into a tizzy, wanting it off as he didn't want any "homo trolls" talking behind his back.

Around New Year [[2010]], Chris replaced Jack Thaddeus's gay-friendly ads with ads for [[wikipedia:Love In Action|Love In Action]] (an "ex-gay" ministry), ProtectMarriage.com (a site promoting [[wikipedia:California Proposition 8 (2008)|Proposition 8]]), and a site that calls for a boycott on Pepsi due to their gay-friendliness. In another ad, he also suggested that [[wikipedia:Avatar (2009 film)|''Avatar'']] was a ''totally'' straight film. To sum it up: Ex-gay campaigns, Proposition 8 and ridiculous consumer boycotts - in one fell swoop, Chris managed to put in three big things that do ''not'' win himself any gay friends whatsoever and prove all of his previous "respect" for gays is nothing but idle words.

On 5 [[January 2010]], Chris responded to a [[Mailbag]] letter addressing the homosexual subject. In the answer, Chris stated that [[Magi-Chan]] keeps a constant psychic-surveillance to ensure that there are no homos in CWCville. When evidence of homosexuality was found in a couple, the people involved would be [[Chris and the Law|arrested and fined heavily.]]

Then, on 7 January, when answering the question of how he began hating the gay population, we got this interesting insight...

{{quote|I estimate that I started hating them about Summer, [[2003]] just after I started my Sweetheart Search, where I received the response from one woman, "Ooh, I'm sorry, I am a Lesbian." That, combined with my PAST dislike of MEN in general AND the later pictured images of such acts led me to DISGUST AND HATRED FOR THE HOMOSEXUALS. Plus ALL of the Homos within the Trolls AND all Homosexual Fans with their WRONGFUL Quoting of MY comics and characters in THEIR PAPERS and ESSAYS promoting homosexuality, and EVEN WORSE a Sonichu BALLOON in one of their God DAMED Pride Parades!!! ALL OF THESE FACTORS have ONLY made my view of the Homosexual Males WORSE!|[[Common Questions#Answered 07 January 2010|Chris, before finally stating (for the umpteenth time) that Sonichu is straight.]]}}

Not only is this ironic, considering his current views on lesbianism, but it adds another interesting aspect to his hatred: Chris's frustration with homos is influenced by him being childish and whiny about not getting his way, just because ''one'' woman turned him down. We wouldn't expect anything different from him.

On 12 January, Chris appeared to soften his stance, saying that "Firstly, I am decreeing that homosexuals will have equal relationship rights within [[CWCville|Cwcville]], yet gay marriage is still Illegal and Wrong. And [[Magi-Chan]] will stay out of those people's heads under my request."<ref>[[CWC Blog#12 January 2010]]</ref> Of course, it's not clear how gays can have "equal relationship rights" if they can't marry, but Chris tends to be pretty weak on logic.

On 30 [[January 2010]], Chris voiced his opinion about the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the American military. He is for the lifting of the ban so that "[[Mailbag 49#Chris loves his country|the homos can go die in explosions]]."

On 15 [[August 2010]], [[Bob]] showed the same kind of hatred and prejudice as his son does for "DA HOMOS". In the [[Matthew Noble call]], Bob said that he believed that a few homosexual kids were working alongside [[Michael Snyder|Mike]] and [[Megan]] to get Chris banned from [[The GAMe PLACe]].

On the February 5th, 2012 entry on his [[Facebook_statuses|Facebook page]], he mentions buying Napoleon Dynamite because he learned 'that homo Andy Dick' didn't star in it.

In a [[Facebook]] post on March 29th, 2013, Chris threw a tantrum over media coverage of homosexual unions. Ironically, he showed support towards lesbian couplings, which would totally defeat the purpose of his [[sweetheart]] search since that would mean he'd have even ''more'' competition for single women.

In early 2014, the Court of virginia legalized gay marriage. It has however been appealed. Chris has yet responded.

==Views on lesbianism==

Whereas Chris' discomfort with homosexual males has been fairly consistent, his views on lesbianism have vacillated. In Chris's ''Carrie'' rip-off, "[[The High School Story]]", his Mary Sue character Terrah LeAnne Yowman is ridiculed as a lesbian by kids at her high school, because she hangs around with male friends all the time. As the work serves as a backstory to the villanous [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]], Terrah may have served as a fictional parallel to the endless accusations of homosexualty lodged by Chris' detractors, illustrating Chris' worldview of implied homosexuality as an insult.

{{quote|She felt angry when she heard "Lesbian"; when called that, she would leave the bully an intimidating [[Creepy stare|glare]] with a purple glow from her green eyes. Then soon after, a Strong, Straight [[Christian Weston Chandler|Homophobe]] would attack that bully with [[Chris and religion|No Mercy]]; beat the crap out of that person.|"[[The High School Story]]"}}

On 25 July 2009, Chris produced a [[CWC "Boyfriend"|rambling and nonsensical video]] to the tune of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend". In the middle of the video, Chris sings about the importance of "being straight" and intersprses a "STAY STRAIGHT" caption on a photo of a lesbian couple split in two.

{{quote|
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me!
Hey, you! Hey, you!
You need to be straight, girl!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your boyfriend! }}

Later, Chris would begin to revise his former hard-line attitude against lesbians. In ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'', Chris goes out of his way to state that the children of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] are watched over by [[Heather Iglesias]], whom he characterizes as "a pretty, trustworthy, good natured Spanish Lesbian."<ref name="Cwcipedia: Sonichu">[[Cwcipedia]]: "Sonichu"</ref> He further mentions that Heather keeps her sexuality a secret from the kids at the request of Sonichu himself.<ref name="Cwcipedia: Sonichu"/> Chris most likely shoehorned a lesbian character into ''Sonichu'' to appear more tolerant, although his attempt comes off as half-hearted in light of his continual derision of gay men and insistence that Heather hide her sexuality.

In [[Mumble 1]], Chris declares his support for lesbians and reiterates his simultaneous hatred for gay men, stating how he hates [[JERKS]] in general, and how a porn DVD helped to soften his view on lesbians. In effect, Chris supports lesbians solely because women are beautiful and men are icky.

{{quote|Uhh. Pretty much but it's like you know, between lesbians, it's like, hmm, partial courage. But then it's- but then again, but then between guys instead I would definitely 100% discourage. In my humble opinion...I've uh talked to others before with uh, [[PandaHalo|Sarah]], my uh s-s-Sarah, my girlfriend. I can not be willing to do a threesome with uh two women, but defina- but definitely never with two guys.|Chris, [[Mumble 1]]}}

{{quote|Yes, Yes they are- yes they're they're more beautf- they're more beautiful. They're like, they're really- they're truly like works of art in their own way- just like yeah you know, just like you know the statues that uh, were in past times.|Chris, [[Mumble 1]]}}

On 28 [[March 2013]], Chris posted a public [[Facebook#Gay Marriage |Facebook message]] whining about repeat media coverage of the Supreme Court's [[:wikipedia:Hollingsworth v. Perry|Proposition 8]] and [[:wikipedia:United States v. Windsor|DOMA]] deliberations. In it, he reiterates his support for lesbians and his disapproval of "the damn homosexual males".

==Evidence that Chris might be gay==

[[Image:564Homos.jpg|thumb|left|At least Chris doesn't fail at cataloging pictures. [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Homosexuality No, it's not a shoop].]]

[[Image:CWCMonica.jpg|thumb|Oh lawd, is dat sum lipstick on Chris?]]

{{quote|First off, should such images [of men's asses] enter your mind at random, just stop yourself. I have had this problem too. I would take all such images when they enter my mind and just delete them; I imagine, in my mind, rolling them all into a ball, shrinking it down, and tossing them into a garbage can that links to my Stomach through a direct bodily vein. I imagine the feeling of it falling through the vein and making its splash landing into the stomach acid and dissolving; gone forever.|[[Mailbag 4|Mailbag #4]] - Chris admitting he's had homoerotic fantasies ([[Recycling|and eats imaginary man asses]]).}}

[[Image:Sonichuballs.jpg|thumb|For someone who claims to be straight, Chris sure does love talking about BALLS. Also, balls are touching.]]
[[Image:0430-ChristianWTallStack2.jpg|thumb|That's one [[pickle|phallic]] [[Lego]] tower you're building there, Chris.]]
[[Image:Chris-Straw.jpg|thumb|Why do I get the feeling he wants to suck a [[duck]]?]]
[[File:ChrisNewShoes.png|thumb|Totally not gay at all.]]
[[File:ChrisOneEyebrow.png|thumb|''One... eyebrow.'']]

Ironically, the harder Chris [[I am STRAIGHT|tries to convince people]] he's straight, the gayer he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, colorfully-dressed, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to ''Playboy''!"<ref>[[CWC Update 18 January 2009]]</ref> every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Furthermore, the more we learn about Chris, the more gay he really appears to be.

* Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would [[Tomgirl|rather be female]] than gay. It should be noted that straight men never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref>
* He collects [[My Little Pony]] figures well into adulthood.
* For a straight man, he sure does [[Semen#Transcript|consume a lot of semen]]. Likewise, the idea of [[Kacey Call 1|licking his own ejaculate]] off one of his gal-pals sexually arouses him.
* Like many gay men, most of his [[gal pal|"friends"]] were female and he never slept with any of them.
* In a [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3|PSN Chat with Julie]], Chris admitted that he randomly has images of penises (his own and others he's seen in porn) pop into his head. He also claims to hear voices in his head that say "Christian is gay." Unless Chris is having ''very specific'' auditory hallucinations, it's likely he has homoerotic daydreams and freaks out about it. In the same chat he sounded ''delighted'' describing the first time he saw semen in a porno movie as a teenager.
* In the chat where [[Julie Reveals Herself]], when [[Bluespike|Max]] told Chris to suck his dick, Chris asked, "How can I do yours if I'm all the way over here?" instead of simply saying "No." Also, later on in the same chat, Chris attempted to show Max his [[Duck|duck]] when the latter began to taunt him with claims that he had a [[China|pussy.]] While you might be thinking that it's a typical knee-jerk reaction from Chris, an [[Julie_Reveals_Herself:_The_Prequel|earlier chat]] reveals a part where Chris ''offers'' to show Max his dick.
* He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. In a chat during the [[Vanessa Saga]] on 16 [[April 2009]], he claimed that he no longer shoved things up his ass, except for "a narrow jet of water from my adjustable shower-head on a hose."<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 3|Vanessa IRC Chat III]]</ref> Although it is quite possible to stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.
* Chris said that he would put something up his ass for [[Ivy]] "in a heartbeat," including a large fake dick, and would let her fuck him with a strap-on.<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 7|Vanessa IRC Chat VII]]</ref>
* Chris said that he might let a gay guy fuck him if Ivy wanted that.<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 9|Vanessa IRC Chat IX]]</ref>
* Chris once drew [[Sonichu]], a male character, on his [[duck]].
* During their correspondence, [[Jackie]] told Chris she was curious about anal sex.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 5]]</ref> Instead of taking it to mean she wished to be penetrated from behind (as most men would have understood it), Chris thought she wanted to use a strap-on/anal bead on him and said he would comply. In her next email, Jackie clarified her intentions but said she was open to the prospect of being the penetrative partner,<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 6]]</ref> leading a jubilant Chris to discuss his past anal experiences in detail.
* According to [[List of Chris's Adam & Eve purchases|receipts]] uncovered by trolls, Chris specifically asked for anal beads as a gift with an order of pornography. Chris, however, lied, claiming that the anal beads as well as a vibrator were sent to him as a gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. Chris kept said vibrator around for months.
* In the [[Chris Sex Logs]], Chris shows off a dildo to [[PandaHalo]]. He immediately suggests the phallic sex toy is something that [[Sex_Logs#This_is_my_dildo|goes up your butt]], and then immediately denies it's been up his butt. He also says having a dildo in your butt "will feel good."
* On [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|5 February 2009]] Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man (or a 'gaybian'). He later issued a retraction, which was far less persuasive.
* When negotiating for the safe return of his PSN account from [[BlueSpike#Max|Max]], Chris was given the choice of burning his [[medallion]] or shoving it up his ass. Chris immediately chose to shove it up his ass.
* When [[Julie_Reveals_Herself|Julie finally revealed herself]] as a [[pedofork|13 year old boy]], Chris's immediate response was "I did not know you were a 13 year old!" making it sound like he's shocked by the age but not the least bit concerned about the fact that he's a boy.
* Chris thought a straight woman would be turned on by a [[nudes|close-up picture of his anus]].
* He wears a pink [[Belt Buckle of Fail|belt buckle]].
* He owns a set of [[Anime Wings]] i.e. hair clips, i.e women's fashion accessories.
* His best man at [[CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me"|his wedding]] is [[Sarah Hammer]] in drag.
* He sang "I Love the Nightlife" on his [[Chris's Big Night Out|visit to a local bar/restaurant]], which is popular at gay clubs and drag revues.
* [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys (album)|''Christian and the Hedgehog Boys'']] features two covers of the [[Wikipedia:Backstreet Boys|Backstreet Boys]], one cover of a [[Britney Spears]] song, and one cover of a [[Wikipedia:Ricky Martin|Ricky Martin]] song. This music was popular among thirteen-year-old girls when it was new and is popular among the gay community today.
* [[muscle bra|He wears a bra.]] In fairness, he uses it to [[Fridays After Five|try to attract women]].
* He [[Clyde is Weaker than Water|implores men to wear bras]] because looking at shirtless men makes Chris uncomfortable,<ref>[[Mailbag 55#On brassieres|Mailbag 55]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 55#Draconian_fun.21|Mailbag #55]]</ref> possibly arousing latent homosexual urges.
* When you look up "Homosexuality" in Chris's [[CWCipedia|own web encyclopedia]], you ''literally'' see his own portrait (as shown on the screencap at the top of this section).
* In the [[PS3 History Level]] video, he showed that he actually owns a copy of [[Wikipedia:Sex and the City (film)|''Sex and the City'']] (the film) when he showcased his then current collection of [[PS3]] games and movies.
* In his response to a letter in [[Mailbag 4]] about "impure" homoerotic thoughts, Chris confesses that he "[has] had this problem too," and has to resort to deleting them through a curious process that involves dropping the thoughts into his stomach acid, lest the gay gene take its toll.
* Chris reacts to [[Alec Benson Leary]]'s ''[[Asperchu]]'' comics by giving all the characters a free makeover.
* In [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris donates some of his "straight blood" to doctors in the future so that they could make a vaccine against homosexuality. Vaccines are made from the virus, implying that Chris is "infected" with homosexuality if his blood could be used to make a vaccine.
* One of Chris's ''[[ModNation Racers]]'' vehicles is called "A Man's Toy", which is a light blue carriage with [[rainbow]] lollipop wheels and a message that says "Tea parties are good and nice" on the rear end of the carriage.<ref>http://community.modnation.com/en-us/players/Sonichu/creations/1296110</ref>
* In the guise of his trollsona [[JenkinsJinkies]], Chris used [[Trollin Train]] to go into far more detail than was necessary about a supposed homosexual encounter, describing various acts with a relish out of place for someone who claims to be disgusted by the mere thought of a penis.
* In the above same Trollin Train post he mentioned achieving [[Semen|Comeuppance]] before vomiting, indicating he had an erection, and thus was sexually aroused from being sodomized by a man.
* He made a drawing of [[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] [http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/File:Punchylaylalove.jpg wearing panties and a bra].
* He also made a [[:File:SchuSoneeRosey.jpg|drawing]] of a [[Sonee & Rosey|Sonee and a Rosee]] in which the hairless spot on the Rosee's abdomen looks like an erect penis.
* The [[Scrapbook of Fail]] contains a [[:File:115-CWCEmbarassed.jpg|self portrait of Chris]] as the ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' character [http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Dark_Magician_Girl Dark Magician Girl].
* He [[Tomgirl|voluntarily dressed up as a woman]], went out in public and used [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Girly Things Tee Hee|the woman's washroom]]. While not all cross-dressers are homosexuals and vice-versa, men who are afraid of being seen as a homosexual generally do not take a disturbing amount of pride in cross-dressing in public. When [[Bob]] learned of Chris's crossdressing, his immediate response was to call him a "fag".
* On the 29th April, 2012, Chris 'reveals' that the gay camp experience story he made up as [[JenkinsJinkies]] was a fake. Aside from the fact that [[Naive|absolutely nobody fell for this at all]], it does leave this question: Out of all of the stories that Chris could have made up under a fake identity, why did he go with one where he gets sodomized at [[Pedofork|seven]]?
* [[It%27s_not_that_cold|This video]], where Chris infamously says, "Would you fuck me, 789chan? I'd fuck me." Take note that Chris is dressed in a mini-skirt and hikes it up to reveal his grotesque man ass at the camera, indicating that he'd like to be taken from behind.
* Whenever anyone calls Chris out on his [[Women's rights|objectification of women's bodies]], he is always quick to back-pedal and say he appreciates women more for their personalities, unaware that personalities are the key reason for relationships between gay men and their female friends.
* Chris created a modified version of the song "Don't Trust Them New [[Niggos|Niggas]] Over There" from ''The Boondocks'' called "[[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]". However, the character who sings the original song is Uncle Ruckus, a self-loathing black man. This makes Chris look like a self-loathing homosexual.
*The fact that he uses the [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail]] to keep himself straight, implies he has homosexual thoughts and fantasies that he wants to keep in check. The irony of the fact that he thinks staring hard enough at a poster of a gay icon will magically suppress these homoerotic urges is lost on him.
* After [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] became Chris's equal and opposite as the result of the latter's brief immersion in the [[Dark Mirror Hole]], he turned openly gay. One would think that this logically means Chris is straight, except for the fact that it's made clear that the two differ only in their openness, not their homosexuality.
* Chris posted an absurd riddle on [[Facebook#The_Riddle|Facebook]] containing random pictures, containing Mark Cuban, lemon cake, Delaware Blue Hens and the sphynx. It's worth noted that :
**[http://i.imgur.com/oKAtnAo.jpg Mark Cuban] is gay.
**Lemon Cake is often dyed rainbow in [http://i.imgur.com/qy1U14g.jpggay pride festivals].
**Delaware is one of the only states to uphold [http://i.imgur.com/YVAnfl9.jpg gay marriage].
**Hens often exhibit homosexuality, and there's a game called [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gay%20chicken Gay Chicken].
**And the sphynx is also a breed of cat. A breed of cat that's [http://i.imgur.com/uBwdEdz.jpg really gay].
* In 2012, Chris signed in the [[CWCki Forums]] as "paintingatree". The term "Painting The Tree" is an [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Painting%20the%20tree act of oral sex], which may refer to Chris's [[duck]].
* Chris posted a picture on [[Facebook#I_got_new_shoes|Facebook]] showing his new shoes. Note the gay pink laces and it looks like sneakers worn for women.
* Chris posted a pointless picture on [[Facebook#One_Eyebrow|Facebook]], showing his eyebrow. Note that it's '''eyebrow''' and not '''eyebrows''', as [http://www.discodamaged.com/2010/12/lesbians-to-grown-on-eyebrow.html lesbians are proposing to grow one eyebrow on Decembrow].
* Chris pierced his right ear (twice), a common code for homosexuality.
* Chris wrote a [[February_2014_Facebook_Posts#Tabitha_St._Germaine|Facebook post]] comparing Tabitha St. Germaine to Judy Garland, a gay icon.
* Attempting to prove that [[Christopher]] is a separate identity, Chris favorited and commented on a number of gay [[pedofork]] [[anime]]s on [[Youtube]].

==Defenses against becoming a homo==
[[Image:CWCIsSTRAIGHT.jpg|thumb|According to Chris, heterosexuals defend their sexuality by taping index cards indicating their straightness to their shoes (while stomping on [[Sex toys|vibrator]]s). Srsly.]]
It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon poster]] which he stares at everyday to stave off temptations of homosexuality.

Chris also subscribes to ''[[Wikipedia:Playboy|Playboy]]'' to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five seconds for him to get around to boobies and [[China|vaginas]].

When homosexual (or potentially homosexual) [[trolls|fans]] sent Chris questions on the [[CWCipedia]] asking for tips to STAY STRAIGHT, Chris tends to offer what essentially amounts to self-brainwashing. Some of his ideas include thinking of naked women and how awesome they are, and imagining being struck by painful lightning whenever a homosexual thought occurs as an extremely severe and disproportionate punishment.<ref name="ReferenceA"/> He also clarifies that one needs not buy their own poster of fail; any poster featuring attractive women (preferably in bikinis and looking sexy) will do the trick.

To prevent future homos, he also encourages women not to drink, smoke, or be physically abused while pregnant because he believes this could cause the baby to be born homosexual.<ref>[[Mailbag 5#Daniel Tammet/Punching your baby will make it gay|Mailbag #5]]</ref>

In ''[[Kill De Jack]]'', Chris reveals another one of his defenses against becoming a homo: He covers a section of his "[[CWC-ism|computer]]" (We can assume that he means "computer screen") with a piece of paper so that he can browse [[CWCipedia]] without looking at [[Jack Thaddeus]]'s ads featuring pictures of homosexual men.

It seems that the centerfold poster of [[The_Simpsons#Marge_Poster|Marge's ''Playboy'' magazine]] has become one of Chris's many defenses against becoming a homo. The fact that she's married has [[kacey|no bearing on Chris's desires]].

Considering the large amount of blatantly homoerotic activities Chris has engaged in, it's a safe bet to say he's a self-hating closeted homosexual, and no amount of defenses will stop the man-child's suppressed urges.

{{quote|But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.|-Matthew 28, [[Chris and religion|something Chris has probably never read, nor wouldn't care to read.]]}}

==Chris on his alleged homosexuality==

[[Image:CWCRockin4Way.jpg|thumb|"If I was a homosexual or anything like that, would I not be [[Warning - Naughty Women ;)|having sex with THREE WOMEN?"]]]]

* "I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT! I WILL NOT BE VEERED INTO ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!!"<ref>[[Masturbating and squirtin']]</ref>
* "I'M STRAIGHT! I'M STRAIGHT! '''YOU'RE THE HOMOS!''' EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008]]</ref>
* "I'm straight, don't doubt me!"<ref>[[PS3 History Level]]</ref>
* "Listen, as hard as you fucking can, I CAME OUT OF MY AUTISTIC [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|CLOSET]] AS A STRAIGHT MAN, and NOTHING ELSE. SO YOU IMMATURE JERKS CAN JUST FUCK OFF."<ref>[[IRC (20 January 2009)]]</ref>
* "Yep, you heard me. I am...a [[gaybian|gaaaaaaaaay...bian]]."<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the First Video]]</ref>
* "Anyway the, uh- anyway so, to get to the point...fine. I'm guhh. I'm gaaaay. I'm gaay. I said it...OK. Yep. So...did I really come out of the closet there? That just depends on y'all- how y'all understand it."<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the Second Video]]</ref>
* "And look at me. Do I look like- [*shakes head in disagreement*] '''No more of those stupid acquisition messages!''' Get it through your fucking, individual, damn, dirty SKULLS! '''I. Am. STRAIGHT!'''"<ref>''[[I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts]]''</ref>

Curiously, in his own [[A Public Announcement for Congress|campaign ad]], Chris announced a promise of "gay marriage ability for every state within the United Nations." Suffice to say, this has not helped him in the polls.

==See also==
{{CWCipedia|chris=Homosexuality}}

* [[Chris and sex]]
* [[Chris and religion]]
* [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet]]
* [[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]
* [[Gay 4 Sonichu]]
* [[Gaybian]] (a "male lesbian", according to Chris)
* [[It's UGH!]]
* [[Rainbow]]
* [[Reldnahc Naitsirhc]]
* [[Magi-Chan]]
* [[Heather Iglesias]]
* [[Tomgirl]]
* [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]]
==Sources==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyO3pnkI3H4 CWC (Ian Brandon Anderson) finally admits it.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gE9hdbiwA3k Chris-chan is sick of the lies!]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOpGtblij8Y Chris-chan proves those slanderous trolls wrong.]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:Homos]]

Clyde is Weaker than Water

2014-06-09T01:56:59Z

Jon-Nyan:

[[Image:Cwcstrongman.JPG|thumb|Check out ''these'' guns!]]'''Clyde is Weaker than Water''' is the third video threatening [[Clyde Cash]], uploaded by [[Chris]] on 30 [[October 2009]]. The proper use of still in the current video helps the intimidation factor since we don't see Chris straining with effort on this one.

Chris also shows that he can lift a chair (the same feat of strength and the same chair appeared in an old [[Power|video]]) and reveals that he is "repulsed" by "shirtless dudes" with "ugly pecs", advising them to wear a "[[muscle bra]]" (whether this is because Chris is a [[JERKS|self-hating male]] or overly muscled guys remind him of his latent [[homos]]exual urges remains to be seen).

Note how [[Mass Debating|his right arm appears slightly larger than his left]], go figure. Also of note in this video, we see that Chris's [[hair]]line has receded even more noticeably than before. At his current rate of follicle failure, his [[My Little Pony]]s may soon have to depend on manes of the pubic variety. Another thing Chris fails at is coming up with a slanderous title: in martial arts, one of the most common advices is to "be like water", soft like a calm stream, but also strong like a thundering waterfall, and Chris is implying that Clyde is, essentially, as skilled at fighting as a martial artist. Not to mention, water is technically "strong" if you consider all the crap it "holds up."
{{clear}}
__NOTOC__

==Video==

{{Infobox/video
| name = Clyde is Weaker than Water
| video = {{#ev:youtube|ZZIyR8bWvRs}}
| stardate = 30 [[October 2009]]
| subject = {{Power|text}}
| style = {{Comedy|text}}, {{Smug|text}}
| saga = {{Clyde|text}}
| other = {{Audio|text}}
| previous = [[SHE_IS_MINE_NOW#Ian's video|SHE IS MINE NOW]]
| next = [[Getting Foam Ed]]
}}

{{quote|Nobody wants to see your [[Manboobs|dog-gone ugly pecs]], they're so ugly and repulsive, ugh... creeps everybody out. }}

=== Transcript ===
Huh! Look at Mr. [[Clyde Cash]] now! Heh! His muscles are so weak, they fall right down. Look at that, he's so weak and feeble. Heh, look at him. And you know what, I highly recommend this to every dude who goes around shirtless: wear a [[muscle bra]]. Because nobody, and I mean nobody wants to see your dog-gone ugly pecs, they're so ugly and repulsive, ugh... creeps everybody out.

But anyway, [[Chris and his Ego|you wanna see real muscles]], check these out. [''The image changes to several photos of Chris flexing, the final one of him holding an office chair above his head with a strained look on his face. Afterwards, the image cycles back to the "image" of Clyde. Chris does a very poor a capella rendition of "[[Wikipedia:The Final Countdown (song)|The Final Countdown]]" throughout.'']

But anyway, enough said about me. This guy is really weak. Stay tuned for another ''piece''.

==See also==
*[[Sports bra photo series]]

{{clear}}
{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[SHE IS MINE NOW]]|nextlink=[[Getting Foam Ed]]|}}
{{Troll Videos}}
{{Power videos}}
{{Clyde Saga}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

[[Category:Chris-chan videos, October 2009| 2009-10-30]]
[[Category:Clyde Cash Saga videos| 2009-10-30]]
[[Category:Gay Spider-Man videos| 2009-10-30]]

Homos

2014-06-06T06:57:10Z

Jon-Nyan:

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:RainbowChris.jpg|thumb|Fun Fact: [[Rainbow]] colors are the internationally recognized colors for the gay pride movement.]]
{{Quote|I Am Straight; Vaginas and Boobies Give Me MY ERECTIONS; You Damn Homos have NO CHANCE with me EVER.|[[Chris]].<ref>[[Mailbag 31]]</ref>}}
{{Quote|I put a condom on the dildo and actually did put it up my, uh, A-hole. Uh...and uh, in my humble opinion, it just did not feel right to me. And uh, the anal beads, I just put 'em in there and they were, it's like... in. Not so stiff. So it was just that one time, then they got covered in poo, and I just, I put them in the trash can.|Chris.<ref>http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/BlueSpike_PSN_Chat_3</ref>}}

'''Homos''' is the pejorative term by which [[Christian Weston Chandler]] refers to '''homosexual people'''. He uses this term almost exclusively. He also occasionally uses phrases such as "those of the wrong orientation", presumably because even saying the word "homo" makes him somewhat uncomfortable.

From the very beginning of his [[Internet]] fame in [[2007]], his extreme opposition to homosexuality and his neurotic, obsessive demand that everyone "[[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|STAY STRAIGHT]]" have been one of his most noted and exploited aspects.

==Fear of being a homo==
[[Image:0067-Christian&Barbie.jpg|thumb|left|Chris tried to stay straight from an early age, by posing with Barbie.]]
[[Image:CWC new novel.png|thumb|A glimpse into the future?]]

{{quote|"Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a [[Tomgirl|gender change operation]]."|Chris. <ref>E-mail to Megan, "I'm sorry... *[[sigh]]*:; Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm</ref>}}

Chris's homophobia is just that: He is literally afraid of homosexuality and of anything that could conceivably cause a straight person to be "leered off the straight path." His terror is such that he can barely bring himself to even utter the word "gay" or any other term concerning gay people, except of course for "homo". He has said that he cannot even look at a picture of a [[pickle|penis]] without being "freaked out"<ref>[[CWC's Second Message]]</ref> and he has cited [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|several techniques]] he believes are necessary to maintain his sexual attraction to women.<ref name="ReferenceA">[[Mailbag 3#Hypnotize away the gay|Mailbag #3]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 3#Sexy posters|Mailbag #3]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 4#Dissolving homoerotic thoughts in stomach acid|Mailbag #4]]</ref>

Chris is also convinced that chances of homosexuality are raised as a direct result of not engaging in heterosexual intercourse before maturation,<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php/Dating_Education</ref> his [[Dating education|Dating Education]] classes naturally being the reasonable solution to prevent people from becoming homos. He continues to attempt (and fail) to wildly assert his straightness, using anything from [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|a poster of Sailor Moon]] to objects as strange and totemic as his [[Optimus Prime]] toy.

==Hatred of homos==
Chris's animosity towards gay people seems to result primarily from his fear of them and their supposed ability or desire to make him gay. He has often characterized the [[trolls]] as homos, which is either a basic ''ad hominem'' attack or a sincere belief that anyone who draws penises on [[Rosechu]] must be gay.

Notably, in [[IRC (02 January 2009)|an IRC chat]] from 2 [[January 2009]], Chris made this statement:

{{quote|if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [sic] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "[[Wikipedia:Deck the Halls|Deck the Halls]]"|Chris, 2 January 2009, 11:59.}}

[[Image:Bionic2.jpg|thumb|Chris projects his repressed homosexuality onto [[Bionic the Hedgehog|one of his own abominations]].]]

Chris further went on to propose a bizarre form of conversion therapy where all gay men would be imprisoned and made to sleep with both female offenders and prostituites, thereby "reprogramming" them. Interestingly, a certain Herr Himmler had a similar idea, suggesting that "pink triangle" concentration camp prisoners be forced to sleep with (female) camp prostitutes.

{{quote|[they would be] taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts.|Chris, 2 January 2009, 12:01.}}

On [[CWC Update 18 February 2009|February 18, 2009]], Chris issued a retraction of his previous homophobic remarks and declared that he respects "the gay people" like he respects his [[Gal pal|gal pals]] and his [[List of Chris's sweethearts|sweethearts]]. However, this was mostly done at the insistence of [[Julie]]; by [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus|10 March 2009]] Chris was [[Chris and religion|reciting verses from the Bible]] to justify his position against homos.

On 14 [[June 2009]], he created a video called ''[[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]'', which in the Chris-chan tradition of ruining everything you ever loved is a homophobic version of [[Wikipedia:Uncle Ruckus|Uncle Ruckus]]'s song "Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There" from [[Wikipedia:The Garden Party|the pilot episode]] of ''[[Wikipedia:The Boondocks|The Boondocks]]''.

Later on in the day, he published an apology for the video called ''[[I'm Sorry, Dude]]'', and insisted that he likes gays who "ac— ...accomplish other things, like [[Wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]], who was a homosexual, but y'know he did a good job being a narrator on ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]''." This quote, of course, displays Chris's ignorance, as Stephen Fry is also a famous actor, comedian, writer, narrator (on things other than ''LBP''), an author of several blogs that have a large Internet following, as well as being an advocate for gay rights. This apology was only posted for the sake of his [[gal pal]] [[Kim]]'s boyfriend, whose gay brother apparently lost both his arms in Iraq.

Chris occasionally tries to say he respects homosexuals for who they are. However, he repeatedly betrays his intolerance of different lifestyles, often within the same statement.

{{quote|"I personally respect the individual people as fellow human beings, and I am cool with associating with them as acquaintances and friends, but Please Do Not Wave Around what you do behind closed doors around me; NOBODY CARES TO KNOW; I PERSONALLY DO NOT CARE TO KNOW. Even within my imagination, I Do Not Care to even have the pictures Randomly Pop up in my head."|Chris. <ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php/Homosexuality</ref>}}

Chris sees no problem waving around his degenerate sexuality and showcasing real life pictures of his disgusting activities, but God forbid a well-adjusted male adult mention they love other men.

On 8 July 2009, Chris left a comment on a PSN News Post in reference to a Unity avatar.<ref>http://blog.us.playstation.com/2009/07/08/attention-fighting-fans-prove-youre-the-best-around/#comment-241496</ref>

{{quote|Hey, the Street Fighter Tourney is good news, but I have a concern about the person who left the message.

His Avitar…

If that icon is WHAT I THINK IT IS, I AM OFFENDED; please change your Avitar, dude.}}

On [[I Am The TRUE, Original CCWC|July 26, 2009]], Chris goes so far as to call "gay" a synonym for "stupid."

In the [[Mailbag]] section of the [[CWCipedia]], Chris describes at length his idea for his comic self to travel to the future, where scientists have successfully isolated the "homo gene" (An idea stolen from [[Wikipedia:Family Gay|this episode of]] ''[[Family Guy]]''). They have not, however, isolated the "straight gene", and are only able to when Chris donates his own blood (Chris has once remarked that [[Wikipedia: Sonderbehandlung|homosexuality could be cured by injecting blood from straight men into homosexuals]]). This storyline finally came to light in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris amended this plan to not only bring back a couple of syringes, but also enough of the "cure" to turn every gay person on Earth straight.

[[Jack Thaddeus]] purchased advertisement space on the [[CWCipedia]] to put up two ads on the site. One of them was an ad featuring Peter Griffin of ''[[Family Guy]]'', pointing out that he and his creator, Seth MacFarlane, were supportive of gay rights. In retaliation, Chris blew his stack, [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence|stating]]:

{{quote|I understand you getting paid to run ads in that box on the Cwcipedia. I feel okay with [[Vivian]]'s [[Audiobooks]], BUT I feel OFFENDED with the Mexico Contest and Gay-Rights Ads. The Pickle on the Mexico ad reminds me of a terrible time in my past with Pickle-Suited TROLLS, and '''I AM AGAINST HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLES and FOR STRAIGHT HETEROSEXUALITY.'''

Please Remove, or Change the Images of, THE TWO ADS.

And in the future, if you plan on adding more advertisements, INCLUDING the associated images, Please run them by me in a message for my personal Approval BEFORE you start running the ads.

Thank you.|Chris.<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=User_talk:WikiSysop#The_New_Ad-Links</ref>}}

In a [[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call|phone call]] with [[Jack Thaddeus]], Chris stated that he assumed that a friend of Jack's was gay when he heard that he had AIDS.

On Christmas Day, [[2009]], the Sysop at the CWCipedia added a Twitter feed onto the webpage. Two days later, Chris saw this and flew into a tizzy, wanting it off as he didn't want any "homo trolls" talking behind his back.

Around New Year [[2010]], Chris replaced Jack Thaddeus's gay-friendly ads with ads for [[wikipedia:Love In Action|Love In Action]] (an "ex-gay" ministry), ProtectMarriage.com (a site promoting [[wikipedia:California Proposition 8 (2008)|Proposition 8]]), and a site that calls for a boycott on Pepsi due to their gay-friendliness. In another ad, he also suggested that [[wikipedia:Avatar (2009 film)|''Avatar'']] was a ''totally'' straight film. To sum it up: Ex-gay campaigns, Proposition 8 and ridiculous consumer boycotts - in one fell swoop, Chris managed to put in three big things that do ''not'' win himself any gay friends whatsoever and prove all of his previous "respect" for gays is nothing but idle words.

On 5 [[January 2010]], Chris responded to a [[Mailbag]] letter addressing the homosexual subject. In the answer, Chris stated that [[Magi-Chan]] keeps a constant psychic-surveillance to ensure that there are no homos in CWCville. When evidence of homosexuality was found in a couple, the people involved would be [[Chris and the Law|arrested and fined heavily.]]

Then, on 7 January, when answering the question of how he began hating the gay population, we got this interesting insight...

{{quote|I estimate that I started hating them about Summer, [[2003]] just after I started my Sweetheart Search, where I received the response from one woman, "Ooh, I'm sorry, I am a Lesbian." That, combined with my PAST dislike of MEN in general AND the later pictured images of such acts led me to DISGUST AND HATRED FOR THE HOMOSEXUALS. Plus ALL of the Homos within the Trolls AND all Homosexual Fans with their WRONGFUL Quoting of MY comics and characters in THEIR PAPERS and ESSAYS promoting homosexuality, and EVEN WORSE a Sonichu BALLOON in one of their God DAMED Pride Parades!!! ALL OF THESE FACTORS have ONLY made my view of the Homosexual Males WORSE!|[[Common Questions#Answered 07 January 2010|Chris, before finally stating (for the umpteenth time) that Sonichu is straight.]]}}

Not only is this ironic, considering his current views on lesbianism, but it adds another interesting aspect to his hatred: Chris's frustration with homos is influenced by him being childish and whiny about not getting his way, just because ''one'' woman turned him down. We wouldn't expect anything different from him.

On 12 January, Chris appeared to soften his stance, saying that "Firstly, I am decreeing that homosexuals will have equal relationship rights within [[CWCville|Cwcville]], yet gay marriage is still Illegal and Wrong. And [[Magi-Chan]] will stay out of those people's heads under my request."<ref>[[CWC Blog#12 January 2010]]</ref> Of course, it's not clear how gays can have "equal relationship rights" if they can't marry, but Chris tends to be pretty weak on logic.

On 30 [[January 2010]], Chris voiced his opinion about the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the American military. He is for the lifting of the ban so that "[[Mailbag 49#Chris loves his country|the homos can go die in explosions]]."

On 15 [[August 2010]], [[Bob]] showed the same kind of hatred and prejudice as his son does for "DA HOMOS". In the [[Matthew Noble call]], Bob said that he believed that a few homosexual kids were working alongside [[Michael Snyder|Mike]] and [[Megan]] to get Chris banned from [[The GAMe PLACe]].

On the February 5th, 2012 entry on his [[Facebook_statuses|Facebook page]], he mentions buying Napoleon Dynamite because he learned 'that homo Andy Dick' didn't star in it.

In a [[Facebook]] post on March 29th, 2013, Chris threw a tantrum over media coverage of homosexual unions. Ironically, he showed support towards lesbian couplings, which would totally defeat the purpose of his [[sweetheart]] search since that would mean he'd have even ''more'' competition for single women.

==Views on lesbianism==

Whereas Chris' discomfort with homosexual males has been fairly consistent, his views on lesbianism have vacillated. In Chris's ''Carrie'' rip-off, "[[The High School Story]]", his Mary Sue character Terrah LeAnne Yowman is ridiculed as a lesbian by kids at her high school, because she hangs around with male friends all the time. As the work serves as a backstory to the villanous [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]], Terrah may have served as a fictional parallel to the endless accusations of homosexualty lodged by Chris' detractors, illustrating Chris' worldview of implied homosexuality as an insult.

{{quote|She felt angry when she heard "Lesbian"; when called that, she would leave the bully an intimidating [[Creepy stare|glare]] with a purple glow from her green eyes. Then soon after, a Strong, Straight [[Christian Weston Chandler|Homophobe]] would attack that bully with [[Chris and religion|No Mercy]]; beat the crap out of that person.|"[[The High School Story]]"}}

On 25 July 2009, Chris produced a [[CWC "Boyfriend"|rambling and nonsensical video]] to the tune of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend". In the middle of the video, Chris sings about the importance of "being straight" and intersprses a "STAY STRAIGHT" caption on a photo of a lesbian couple split in two.

{{quote|
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me!
Hey, you! Hey, you!
You need to be straight, girl!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your boyfriend! }}

Later, Chris would begin to revise his former hard-line attitude against lesbians. In ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'', Chris goes out of his way to state that the children of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] are watched over by [[Heather Iglesias]], whom he characterizes as "a pretty, trustworthy, good natured Spanish Lesbian."<ref name="Cwcipedia: Sonichu">[[Cwcipedia]]: "Sonichu"</ref> He further mentions that Heather keeps her sexuality a secret from the kids at the request of Sonichu himself.<ref name="Cwcipedia: Sonichu"/> Chris most likely shoehorned a lesbian character into ''Sonichu'' to appear more tolerant, although his attempt comes off as half-hearted in light of his continual derision of gay men and insistence that Heather hide her sexuality.

In [[Mumble 1]], Chris declares his support for lesbians and reiterates his simultaneous hatred for gay men, stating how he hates [[JERKS]] in general, and how a porn DVD helped to soften his view on lesbians. In effect, Chris supports lesbians solely because women are beautiful and men are icky.

{{quote|Uhh. Pretty much but it's like you know, between lesbians, it's like, hmm, partial courage. But then it's- but then again, but then between guys instead I would definitely 100% discourage. In my humble opinion...I've uh talked to others before with uh, [[PandaHalo|Sarah]], my uh s-s-Sarah, my girlfriend. I can not be willing to do a threesome with uh two women, but defina- but definitely never with two guys.|Chris, [[Mumble 1]]}}

{{quote|Yes, Yes they are- yes they're they're more beautf- they're more beautiful. They're like, they're really- they're truly like works of art in their own way- just like yeah you know, just like you know the statues that uh, were in past times.|Chris, [[Mumble 1]]}}

On 28 [[March 2013]], Chris posted a public [[Facebook#Gay Marriage |Facebook message]] whining about repeat media coverage of the Supreme Court's [[:wikipedia:Hollingsworth v. Perry|Proposition 8]] and [[:wikipedia:United States v. Windsor|DOMA]] deliberations. In it, he reiterates his support for lesbians and his disapproval of "the damn homosexual males".

==Evidence that Chris might be gay==

[[Image:564Homos.jpg|thumb|left|At least Chris doesn't fail at cataloging pictures. [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Homosexuality No, it's not a shoop].]]

[[Image:CWCMonica.jpg|thumb|Oh lawd, is dat sum lipstick on Chris?]]

{{quote|First off, should such images [of men's asses] enter your mind at random, just stop yourself. I have had this problem too. I would take all such images when they enter my mind and just delete them; I imagine, in my mind, rolling them all into a ball, shrinking it down, and tossing them into a garbage can that links to my Stomach through a direct bodily vein. I imagine the feeling of it falling through the vein and making its splash landing into the stomach acid and dissolving; gone forever.|[[Mailbag 4|Mailbag #4]] - Chris admitting he's had homoerotic fantasies ([[Recycling|and eats imaginary man asses]]).}}

[[Image:Sonichuballs.jpg|thumb|For someone who claims to be straight, Chris sure does love talking about BALLS. Also, balls are touching.]]
[[Image:0430-ChristianWTallStack2.jpg|thumb|That's one [[pickle|phallic]] [[Lego]] tower you're building there, Chris.]]
[[Image:Chris-Straw.jpg|thumb|Why do I get the feeling he wants to suck a [[duck]]?]]
[[File:ChrisNewShoes.png|thumb|Totally not gay at all.]]
[[File:ChrisOneEyebrow.png|thumb|''One... eyebrow.'']]

Ironically, the harder Chris [[I am STRAIGHT|tries to convince people]] he's straight, the gayer he appears. He has absolutely no awareness that an uptight, milquetoast, colorfully-dressed, squeaky-voiced man saying "I am straight! I have a subscription to ''Playboy''!"<ref>[[CWC Update 18 January 2009]]</ref> every five minutes looks like he has something he's trying to hide. Furthermore, the more we learn about Chris, the more gay he really appears to be.

* Christian has stated that if he were unable to stay straight he would undergo sex reassignment surgery; he would [[Tomgirl|rather be female]] than gay. It should be noted that straight men never, ever, put this much thought into this hypothetical dilemma.<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref>
* He collects [[My Little Pony]] figures well into adulthood.
* For a straight man, he sure does [[Semen#Transcript|consume a lot of semen]]. Likewise, the idea of [[Kacey Call 1|licking his own ejaculate]] off one of his gal-pals sexually arouses him.
* Like many gay men, most of his [[gal pal|"friends"]] were female and he never slept with any of them.
* In a [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3|PSN Chat with Julie]], Chris admitted that he randomly has images of penises (his own and others he's seen in porn) pop into his head. He also claims to hear voices in his head that say "Christian is gay." Unless Chris is having ''very specific'' auditory hallucinations, it's likely he has homoerotic daydreams and freaks out about it. In the same chat he sounded ''delighted'' describing the first time he saw semen in a porno movie as a teenager.
* In the chat where [[Julie Reveals Herself]], when [[Bluespike|Max]] told Chris to suck his dick, Chris asked, "How can I do yours if I'm all the way over here?" instead of simply saying "No." Also, later on in the same chat, Chris attempted to show Max his [[Duck|duck]] when the latter began to taunt him with claims that he had a [[China|pussy.]] While you might be thinking that it's a typical knee-jerk reaction from Chris, an [[Julie_Reveals_Herself:_The_Prequel|earlier chat]] reveals a part where Chris ''offers'' to show Max his dick.
* He owns, or at least has owned, anal beads and a vibrator, and he is on record as having experimented with putting both toys in his anus. In a chat during the [[Vanessa Saga]] on 16 [[April 2009]], he claimed that he no longer shoved things up his ass, except for "a narrow jet of water from my adjustable shower-head on a hose."<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 3|Vanessa IRC Chat III]]</ref> Although it is quite possible to stick things up your butt and still be straight, people who are terrified of being turned gay generally do not do this.
* Chris said that he would put something up his ass for [[Ivy]] "in a heartbeat," including a large fake dick, and would let her fuck him with a strap-on.<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 7|Vanessa IRC Chat VII]]</ref>
* Chris said that he might let a gay guy fuck him if Ivy wanted that.<ref>[[Vanessa IRC Chat 9|Vanessa IRC Chat IX]]</ref>
* Chris once drew [[Sonichu]], a male character, on his [[duck]].
* During their correspondence, [[Jackie]] told Chris she was curious about anal sex.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 5]]</ref> Instead of taking it to mean she wished to be penetrated from behind (as most men would have understood it), Chris thought she wanted to use a strap-on/anal bead on him and said he would comply. In her next email, Jackie clarified her intentions but said she was open to the prospect of being the penetrative partner,<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 6]]</ref> leading a jubilant Chris to discuss his past anal experiences in detail.
* According to [[List of Chris's Adam & Eve purchases|receipts]] uncovered by trolls, Chris specifically asked for anal beads as a gift with an order of pornography. Chris, however, lied, claiming that the anal beads as well as a vibrator were sent to him as a gift with an order of straight pornography; he did not ask for them or pay for them. Chris kept said vibrator around for months.
* In the [[Chris Sex Logs]], Chris shows off a dildo to [[PandaHalo]]. He immediately suggests the phallic sex toy is something that [[Sex_Logs#This_is_my_dildo|goes up your butt]], and then immediately denies it's been up his butt. He also says having a dildo in your butt "will feel good."
* On [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|5 February 2009]] Chris posted two videos stating that he was coming out of the closet as a gay man (or a 'gaybian'). He later issued a retraction, which was far less persuasive.
* When negotiating for the safe return of his PSN account from [[BlueSpike#Max|Max]], Chris was given the choice of burning his [[medallion]] or shoving it up his ass. Chris immediately chose to shove it up his ass.
* When [[Julie_Reveals_Herself|Julie finally revealed herself]] as a [[pedofork|13 year old boy]], Chris's immediate response was "I did not know you were a 13 year old!" making it sound like he's shocked by the age but not the least bit concerned about the fact that he's a boy.
* Chris thought a straight woman would be turned on by a [[nudes|close-up picture of his anus]].
* He wears a pink [[Belt Buckle of Fail|belt buckle]].
* He owns a set of [[Anime Wings]] i.e. hair clips, i.e women's fashion accessories.
* His best man at [[CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me"|his wedding]] is [[Sarah Hammer]] in drag.
* He sang "I Love the Nightlife" on his [[Chris's Big Night Out|visit to a local bar/restaurant]], which is popular at gay clubs and drag revues.
* [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys (album)|''Christian and the Hedgehog Boys'']] features two covers of the [[Wikipedia:Backstreet Boys|Backstreet Boys]], one cover of a [[Britney Spears]] song, and one cover of a [[Wikipedia:Ricky Martin|Ricky Martin]] song. This music was popular among thirteen-year-old girls when it was new and is popular among the gay community today.
* [[muscle bra|He wears a bra.]] In fairness, he uses it to [[Fridays After Five|try to attract women]].
* He [[Clyde is Weaker than Water|implores men to wear bras]] because looking at shirtless men makes Chris uncomfortable,<ref>[[Mailbag 55#On brassieres|Mailbag 55]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag 55#Draconian_fun.21|Mailbag #55]]</ref> possibly arousing latent homosexual urges.
* When you look up "Homosexuality" in Chris's [[CWCipedia|own web encyclopedia]], you ''literally'' see his own portrait (as shown on the screencap at the top of this section).
* In the [[PS3 History Level]] video, he showed that he actually owns a copy of [[Wikipedia:Sex and the City (film)|''Sex and the City'']] (the film) when he showcased his then current collection of [[PS3]] games and movies.
* In his response to a letter in [[Mailbag 4]] about "impure" homoerotic thoughts, Chris confesses that he "[has] had this problem too," and has to resort to deleting them through a curious process that involves dropping the thoughts into his stomach acid, lest the gay gene take its toll.
* Chris reacts to [[Alec Benson Leary]]'s ''[[Asperchu]]'' comics by giving all the characters a free makeover.
* In [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris donates some of his "straight blood" to doctors in the future so that they could make a vaccine against homosexuality. Vaccines are made from the virus, implying that Chris is "infected" with homosexuality if his blood could be used to make a vaccine.
* One of Chris's ''[[ModNation Racers]]'' vehicles is called "A Man's Toy", which is a light blue carriage with [[rainbow]] lollipop wheels and a message that says "Tea parties are good and nice" on the rear end of the carriage.<ref>http://community.modnation.com/en-us/players/Sonichu/creations/1296110</ref>
* In the guise of his trollsona [[JenkinsJinkies]], Chris used [[Trollin Train]] to go into far more detail than was necessary about a supposed homosexual encounter, describing various acts with a relish out of place for someone who claims to be disgusted by the mere thought of a penis.
* In the above same Trollin Train post he mentioned achieving [[Semen|Comeuppance]] before vomiting, indicating he had an erection, and thus was sexually aroused from being sodomized by a man.
* He made a drawing of [[Punchy Sonichu|Punchy]] [http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/File:Punchylaylalove.jpg wearing panties and a bra].
* He also made a [[:File:SchuSoneeRosey.jpg|drawing]] of a [[Sonee & Rosey|Sonee and a Rosee]] in which the hairless spot on the Rosee's abdomen looks like an erect penis.
* The [[Scrapbook of Fail]] contains a [[:File:115-CWCEmbarassed.jpg|self portrait of Chris]] as the ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' character [http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Dark_Magician_Girl Dark Magician Girl].
* He [[Tomgirl|voluntarily dressed up as a woman]], went out in public and used [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Girly Things Tee Hee|the woman's washroom]]. While not all cross-dressers are homosexuals and vice-versa, men who are afraid of being seen as a homosexual generally do not take a disturbing amount of pride in cross-dressing in public. When [[Bob]] learned of Chris's crossdressing, his immediate response was to call him a "fag".
* On the 29th April, 2012, Chris 'reveals' that the gay camp experience story he made up as [[JenkinsJinkies]] was a fake. Aside from the fact that [[Naive|absolutely nobody fell for this at all]], it does leave this question: Out of all of the stories that Chris could have made up under a fake identity, why did he go with one where he gets sodomized at [[Pedofork|seven]]?
* [[It%27s_not_that_cold|This video]], where Chris infamously says, "Would you fuck me, 789chan? I'd fuck me." Take note that Chris is dressed in a mini-skirt and hikes it up to reveal his grotesque man ass at the camera, indicating that he'd like to be taken from behind.
* Whenever anyone calls Chris out on his [[Women's rights|objectification of women's bodies]], he is always quick to back-pedal and say he appreciates women more for their personalities, unaware that personalities are the key reason for relationships between gay men and their female friends.
* Chris created a modified version of the song "Don't Trust Them New [[Niggos|Niggas]] Over There" from ''The Boondocks'' called "[[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]". However, the character who sings the original song is Uncle Ruckus, a self-loathing black man. This makes Chris look like a self-loathing homosexual.
*The fact that he uses the [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail]] to keep himself straight, implies he has homosexual thoughts and fantasies that he wants to keep in check. The irony of the fact that he thinks staring hard enough at a poster of a gay icon will magically suppress these homoerotic urges is lost on him.
* After [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc]] became Chris's equal and opposite as the result of the latter's brief immersion in the [[Dark Mirror Hole]], he turned openly gay. One would think that this logically means Chris is straight, except for the fact that it's made clear that the two differ only in their openness, not their homosexuality.
* Chris posted an absurd riddle on [[Facebook#The_Riddle|Facebook]] containing random pictures, containing Mark Cuban, lemon cake, Delaware Blue Hens and the sphynx. It's worth noted that :
**[http://i.imgur.com/oKAtnAo.jpg Mark Cuban] is gay.
**Lemon Cake is often dyed rainbow in [http://i.imgur.com/qy1U14g.jpggay pride festivals].
**Delaware is one of the only states to uphold [http://i.imgur.com/YVAnfl9.jpg gay marriage].
**Hens often exhibit homosexuality, and there's a game called [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gay%20chicken Gay Chicken].
**And the sphynx is also a breed of cat. A breed of cat that's [http://i.imgur.com/uBwdEdz.jpg really gay].
* In 2012, Chris signed in the [[CWCki Forums]] as "paintingatree". The term "Painting The Tree" is an [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Painting%20the%20tree act of oral sex], which may refer to Chris's [[duck]].
* Chris posted a picture on [[Facebook#I_got_new_shoes|Facebook]] showing his new shoes. Note the gay pink laces and it looks like sneakers worn for women.
* Chris posted a pointless picture on [[Facebook#One_Eyebrow|Facebook]], showing his eyebrow. Note that it's '''eyebrow''' and not '''eyebrows''', as [http://www.discodamaged.com/2010/12/lesbians-to-grown-on-eyebrow.html lesbians are proposing to grow one eyebrow on Decembrow].
* Chris pierced his right ear (twice), a common code for homosexuality.
* Chris wrote a [[February_2014_Facebook_Posts#Tabitha_St._Germaine|Facebook post]] comparing Tabitha St. Germaine to Judy Garland, a gay icon.

==Defenses against becoming a homo==
[[Image:CWCIsSTRAIGHT.jpg|thumb|According to Chris, heterosexuals defend their sexuality by taping index cards indicating their straightness to their shoes (while stomping on [[Sex toys|vibrator]]s). Srsly.]]
It's hard work for a warrior of true love and honesty to stay straight. Luckily, Chris has a [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon poster]] which he stares at everyday to stave off temptations of homosexuality.

Chris also subscribes to ''[[Wikipedia:Playboy|Playboy]]'' to help keep himself straight. You can tell he's straight because when he's explaining what he finds attractive in women it only takes five seconds for him to get around to boobies and [[China|vaginas]].

When homosexual (or potentially homosexual) [[trolls|fans]] sent Chris questions on the [[CWCipedia]] asking for tips to STAY STRAIGHT, Chris tends to offer what essentially amounts to self-brainwashing. Some of his ideas include thinking of naked women and how awesome they are, and imagining being struck by painful lightning whenever a homosexual thought occurs as an extremely severe and disproportionate punishment.<ref name="ReferenceA"/> He also clarifies that one needs not buy their own poster of fail; any poster featuring attractive women (preferably in bikinis and looking sexy) will do the trick.

To prevent future homos, he also encourages women not to drink, smoke, or be physically abused while pregnant because he believes this could cause the baby to be born homosexual.<ref>[[Mailbag 5#Daniel Tammet/Punching your baby will make it gay|Mailbag #5]]</ref>

In ''[[Kill De Jack]]'', Chris reveals another one of his defenses against becoming a homo: He covers a section of his "[[CWC-ism|computer]]" (We can assume that he means "computer screen") with a piece of paper so that he can browse [[CWCipedia]] without looking at [[Jack Thaddeus]]'s ads featuring pictures of homosexual men.

It seems that the centerfold poster of [[The_Simpsons#Marge_Poster|Marge's ''Playboy'' magazine]] has become one of Chris's many defenses against becoming a homo. The fact that she's married has [[kacey|no bearing on Chris's desires]].

Considering the large amount of blatantly homoerotic activities Chris has engaged in, it's a safe bet to say he's a self-hating closeted homosexual, and no amount of defenses will stop the man-child's suppressed urges.

{{quote|But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.|-Matthew 28, [[Chris and religion|something Chris has probably never read, nor wouldn't care to read.]]}}

==Chris on his alleged homosexuality==

[[Image:CWCRockin4Way.jpg|thumb|"If I was a homosexual or anything like that, would I not be [[Warning - Naughty Women ;)|having sex with THREE WOMEN?"]]]]

* "I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT! I WILL NOT BE VEERED INTO ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!!"<ref>[[Masturbating and squirtin']]</ref>
* "I'M STRAIGHT! I'M STRAIGHT! '''YOU'RE THE HOMOS!''' EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!"<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008]]</ref>
* "I'm straight, don't doubt me!"<ref>[[PS3 History Level]]</ref>
* "Listen, as hard as you fucking can, I CAME OUT OF MY AUTISTIC [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|CLOSET]] AS A STRAIGHT MAN, and NOTHING ELSE. SO YOU IMMATURE JERKS CAN JUST FUCK OFF."<ref>[[IRC (20 January 2009)]]</ref>
* "Yep, you heard me. I am...a [[gaybian|gaaaaaaaaay...bian]]."<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the First Video]]</ref>
* "Anyway the, uh- anyway so, to get to the point...fine. I'm guhh. I'm gaaaay. I'm gaay. I said it...OK. Yep. So...did I really come out of the closet there? That just depends on y'all- how y'all understand it."<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate February 5th, 2009#Transcript of the Second Video]]</ref>
* "And look at me. Do I look like- [*shakes head in disagreement*] '''No more of those stupid acquisition messages!''' Get it through your fucking, individual, damn, dirty SKULLS! '''I. Am. STRAIGHT!'''"<ref>''[[I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts]]''</ref>

Curiously, in his own [[A Public Announcement for Congress|campaign ad]], Chris announced a promise of "gay marriage ability for every state within the United Nations." Suffice to say, this has not helped him in the polls.

==See also==
{{CWCipedia|chris=Homosexuality}}

* [[Chris and sex]]
* [[Chris and religion]]
* [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet]]
* [[Don't Trust Any Homos Over There]]
* [[Gay 4 Sonichu]]
* [[Gaybian]] (a "male lesbian", according to Chris)
* [[It's UGH!]]
* [[Rainbow]]
* [[Reldnahc Naitsirhc]]
* [[Magi-Chan]]
* [[Heather Iglesias]]
* [[Tomgirl]]
* [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]]
==Sources==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyO3pnkI3H4 CWC (Ian Brandon Anderson) finally admits it.]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gE9hdbiwA3k Chris-chan is sick of the lies!]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOpGtblij8Y Chris-chan proves those slanderous trolls wrong.]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:Homos]]

Original Sonichu and Rosechu Drawing

2014-06-06T06:13:46Z

Jon-Nyan: More current

[[Image:01June2014-Original eBay Drawing.jpg|thumb|200px|"First ever straight-from-the-creator and artist full-colored Original Sonichu and Rosechu hand-drawn and colored artwork available for sale. The main image for this sale was edited to prevent forgery during listing, but a sample of the color is the secondary photo."]]

[[Image:OriginalSonichuAndRosechuDrawingFramed.JPG|thumb|200px|"Rising Interests, AND Hurt from Trolls have instigated the increase of the Original Drawing in the relishing from the wrongful removal, so Tough. You want it; bid or PAY UP Now."]]

[[Image:OriginalSonichuAndRosechuDrawingCrotch.jpeg|thumb|left|200px|The inclusion of this image is to backup a previous unsolicited statement of ''"AND, in case you were paying attention, the Raichu Tail is FEMALE, just as the Rosechu that transformed from the original FEMALE Raichu HAS ALWAYS BEEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE; [[Chris and English|VAGINIA]], OVARIES, C-CUP MILKING BREASTS WITH TITS AND ALL!!!"'']]

[[Image:OriginalSonichuAndRosechuDrawingSignature.JPG|thumb|200px|"Q: Why is the drawing dated 6/14/14? That date has not occurred yet. Are you sure this is legit? A: [[Honor roll|Oops! That was a mistake]]; I meant to write 6/1/2014; an extra "4" that should be disregarded, and it can not be undone or changed since it is laminated."]]

[[Image:OriginalSonichuAndRosechuDrawingChris1.JPG|thumb|left|The photo Chris attached to the Facebook post advertising his third attempt to have a legitimate auction.]]

The '''Original Sonichu and Rosechu Drawing''' is a laminated [[Chris and art|hand-drawing]] of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] that [[Chris]] is trying to auction off on [[eBay]] to raise the funds to buy more [[Lego|Legos]]. This is the second item Chris has attempted to sell on eBay this year, the first being [[Bob Chandler|Bob's]] violin.

"Freshly thought and drawn on June 1, 2014", this picture also bears Chris's signature, although this is difficult to make out in the full-sized image. The uploaded image is in black-and-white, an apparent anti-forgery method used by Chris to protect his precious artworks from counterfeiting.

==First Two Listings==
Within the first day of bidding, the bids reached over $10,000 USD. Speculation of troll involvement is mentioned occasionally by Chris's friends on his [[Facebook]] post related to it. The first posting was removed, probably due to Chris realizing (or being told) that the he was unlikely to collect on it.

However, the listing returned on the next day, with some extra information added. Chris included a black-and-white picture of the frame he considers so goddamn important, a color closeup of his signature, a color closeup of [[Rosechu|Rosechu's]] [[China|crotch]], and an additional alleged [[Chris and copyright|copyright]] page. Verification of the signature and Rosechu's womanhood caused bids to skyrocket, with bids quickly reaching $15,000 USD. It's important to note that eBay does impose some limits on how much a seller can sell an item for without paying additional fees.

==Protecting His Valuable Intellectual Property==
Chris also makes some [[Chris and copyright|untested copyright claims]]:

{{Quote|ALL Sonichu, Rosechu, Cwcville and such material is Copyrighted March, 2000 by Christian Weston Chandler, with Full Paperwork backed up in Washington DC. Any names, persons or characters and such illustrated in the past Original Comic Book Pages, LittleBiGPlanet 1, 2, PSP and Vita Levels under the PSN ID of "Sonichu", and all direct content from the Creator, Christian Weston Chandler, NOT originating from said Creator that may seem similar to anyone past or present, as well as under other respective ownerships, are purely coincidental or otherwise parodic. Ownership of Original characters of Pikachu, [[Pokémon|Pok'emon]] and Sonic the Hedgehog are those of Nintendo and SEGA of America respectively. The drawing that is being sold on eBay now is an Original artwork created by the original Creator of Christian Weston Chandler, and is solely being sold as an artwork with no original intent of [[Chris and money|profit]].}}

==Third Time's The Charm==
On the third day of bidding, Chris took down the posting yet again, only to replace it with an identical one (minus the questions from prospective buyers). He also appeared to stop accepting future inquires regarding the item, likely due to [[Trolls|misuse]] of it. He also made another [[Facebook]] post, again attempting to assert the authenticity of the item.

The original price was $5,000 Buy It Now or Best Offer, later reduced to $2,500. On Wednesday, June 04, 2014, a scant four days after the creation of the 'Original Sonichu and Rosechu Drawing', Chris accepted a 'Best Offer' of $1,000 for his artwork, however, the buyer backed out the next day. Chris also appears to have removed (or possibly also managed to sell) his [[Bob Chandler|father's]] Stradivarius violin.

==Fourth Listing==
After the previous buyer wouldn't pay up, Chris relisted the drawing on eBay with a $1,000 Buy It Now price and no auction. The sale is also a 'Pay It Now', meaning it must be payed for as soon as it is bought, so there is no chance of anyone 'buying' it then backing out.

==External Links==
[http://www.ebay.com/itm/191203616707 Current Listing (as of June 5)]

[[Category:Sonichu artwork]]

Emily Date Conversation Transcript

2014-06-06T06:02:31Z

Jon-Nyan:

[[Image:Emilyy.jpg|thumb|70px|The only known image of Emily, shot from behind.]]

On 19 [[March 2009]], [[Chris]] went on his first (and only) [[dating|date]] ever with a [[troll]] called [[Emily]]. For posterity's sake, the event was recorded, and is now presented in text format for your enjoyment here.

==Summary==
*The trolls worry about a possible appearance by [[Snorlax|Barb]], run a mic check.
*Emily talks to [[Bob]], ignores Chris.
*Bob recites his work history, from serving in the army to retirement. Chris talks a grand total of 9 times, gets ignored.
*Bob goes on at length about being retired. Chris tries to interrupt several times, and fails several times.
*Chris reveals his favorite artist is [[Britney Spears]].
*Bob reveals his patchy medical history.
*Finally, Chris gets a whole minute in which to talk. The [[Amnyfest Ring]] makes an appearance.
*Chris asks why [[University of Virginia|UVA]] doesn't have a [[Sonichu Girls]] chapter.
*Chris brings up his [[Heterochromia|pink-eye]].
*Bob goes back to his health problems.
*Bob and Chris mention their [[Cherokee]] heritage.
*Chris flirts.
*Chris fails at flirting.
*Chris does the infamous [[Donald Duck]] impression.
*Chris talks about [[Sailor Moon]].
*Emily and Chris leave Bob and go out into the mall.
*Chris brings up winning the [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|Sonic competition]].
*Emily tries to be discreet about going to the bathroom. Chris announces she's on her period.
*Emily flees.
*The [[Man in the Pickle Suit|Pickle]] Man arrives and saves Emily, whereupon Chris announces "HE KNOWS [[Clyde Cash|CLYDE CASH]]."
*Chris tries to kiss Emily goodbye.
*Emily makes good her escape and goes home with the Pickle Man.

==Cast==

'''Frosty''' - A whiz kid, his high-tech know-how keeps the group online.

'''Camwhore''' - "Emily's friend", her mission is to capture video of the event.

'''Emily''' - Queen of [[trolls]], she risks both life and limb on a plunge into the heart of darkness.

'''Pickle Man''' – Brave and daring hero, he protects Emily from certain peril.

'''Chris''' – Misshapen, autistic manchild, his disgusting nature seeps into the very recording of his voice.

'''Bob''' – [[Robert Chandler]], the proud [[Internet]] lumberjack, yet also slave to the manchild.
==Transcript==
=== Overture (0:00:00–0:03:13) ===
[[Image:ThongMic.jpg|thumb|right|Artist's impression of what Emily is wearing.]]
'''Frosty:''' Okay... lock it?

'''Frosty:''' Okay-

'''Camwhore:''' Are you wearing a [[Butt garments|thong]]? With a-

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Camwhore:''' That better be fuckin' ''tight''.

'''Emily:''' It's tight.

'''Camwhore:''' That may pop out while you're walking around, while you're like-

'''Emily:''' I should be like-

'''Camwhore:''' Or a robotic [[China|vagina]].

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Camwhore:''' Say "It's my [[Sex toys|vibrator]]."

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Camwhore:''' It's one of those things that you see taped to those- those hentai-

'''Frosty:''' Well, the thing is, Chris- if you said that to Chris, he would squeal.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Ungh, ungh, ungh, ungh! Okay, if he gets, like, ''way'' too close to me, I'm just gonna be like- get my chair farther away.

'''Camwhore:''' [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Camwhore:''' I really like your [inaudible]

'''Pickle Man:''' [''laughs''] Maybe Barb- Barbara can come.

'''Emily:''' Apparently, she doesn't leave the house anymore.

'''Pickle Man:''' No, I'm just [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Pickle Man:''' [inaudible]

'''Frosty:''' There- there are [[Obesity|Barb candidates]] ''everywhere''.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Frosty:''' No, no, no, no, no, no. But- but in all actuality, there should be no [[Barb]]; if there ''is'' Barb, I will [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shit myself]].

'''Emily:''' If there is Barb, we're- we're done.

'''Camwhore:''' We're not showing up.

'''Frosty:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Frosty:''' "You brought your mommy?"

'''Emily:''' I should be like, "No– just put that shit in the bag, and we're not doing anything today."

'''Camwhore:''' Yeah.

'''Frosty:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' That's it.

'''Camwhore:''' And you can call him and be like "You owe me a ''dire'' apology, and you're the… jack-off-"

'''Emily:''' No– I'm sure I'm gonna yell at him, and make him ''cry''.

'''Frosty:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' And I'm gonna be like "Oh– I live in [[Clyde]]'s playboy mansion now." [''laughs'']

'''Frosty:''' No– even better!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Camwhore:''' [aside] I'm waiting. I'm ''part'' of Clyde's playboy mansion.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Camwhore:''' I'm the janitor.

[''all laugh loudly'']

'''Emily:''' Okay– let's go see if he's there.

'''Camwhore:''' ''You'' go see if he's there.

'''Emily:''' ''No!'' 'Cause- 'cause it's-

'''Pickle Man:''' [inaudible (but about "a girl")]

'''Emily:''' 'Cause I'm gonna make it like an entrance, like… ''"Hiii!"''

'''Pickle Man:''' Did he say where [''inaudible, presumably "where he'll park his car", judging by Camwhore's response'']

'''Emily:''' No. Like, he wants to be- he wants to meet in front of [[Chick-fil-A]], so…

'''Camwhore:''' Figures! But the ''general'' idea would be you park near where you wanna… go.

'''Pickle Man:''' [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Pickle Man:''' [inaudible]

'''Camwhore:''' What if that [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Camwhore:''' [aside] [inaudible] Do you see those pile of balloons right there? Swear to God: it looks like a [[Pickle|penis]].

'''Pickle Man:''' [inaudible]

'''Camwhore:''' The balloons. Right here.

'''Emily:''' Oh… [''laughs'']

'''Camwhore:''' It's a fuckin' penis.

[pause]

'''Camwhore:''' Nope.

'''Emily:''' Oh, okay.

[pause]

'''Emily:''' [''sighs'']

'''Camwhore:''' [''sighs'']

[pause]

'''Camwhore:''' There's that ugly bitch that looks like [[Wikipedia:Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story|Hamster Girl]]… at [[Coffee Place|Starbucks]].

'''Emily:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Camwhore:''' She ''looks'' like Hamster Girl.

'''Pickle Man:''' ''Which'' one looks like Hamster Girl?

'''Camwhore:''' Right there. The only one that you can see working?

'''Pickle Man:''' Oh– over at Starbucks? You should see her with that hair off.

'''Camwhore:''' No, no, no. She looks like Hamster Girl. [''inaudible'']

'''Pickle Man:''' I'm telling you: you should see her with that [[hair] off!

'''Camwhore:''' Oh– she don't have no hair?

'''Pickle Man:''' Um...

'''Camwhore:''' Oh– she has a fake-

'''Pickle Man:''' She has fake hair, or… she has no hair… or the hair back like this.

'''Camwhore:''' Well, yeah– I knew that.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Camwhore:''' I was gonna say: I don't- I guess she dyed her hair blond. 'Cause I remember seeing her with some ugly, strange-colored hair.

===Target acquired (0:03:13–0:04:43)===

'''Frosty:''' There he is!

'''Camwhore:''' Shut up!

'''Emily:''' [''startled''] What?

'''Frosty:''' I can see a [''inaudible''] jacket.

'''Emily:''' Oh my God! [''jokingly''] Eject! Oh my God!

'''Frosty:''' Is your jacket on? [''unintelligible''] Put your jacket on. Are you ready?

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I'm ready. [''laughs nervously''] This is gonna be my best acting moment ever.

'''Pickle Man:''' He can't see my face before I suit up.

'''Emily:''' Yeah– go, like, look, 'cause he has to sit down first.

'''Pickle Man:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Frosty:''' He'll realize later: that's what it was.

'''Camwhore:''' I don't feel bad.

'''Emily:''' Okay. Hopefully, he, like, won't come, like, around and- [''inaudibly interrupted''] Huh? I don't have my phone.

[''pause'']

'''Emily:''' Oh my God…

[''pause'']

'''Emily:''' If this goes all smoothly, I should get, like…

'''Pickle Man:''' [inaudible] Where do I sit… to, like, watch [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' Um, there's some ''benches'', like… by the tables. [abruptly] Oh! Oh! Oh, no.

'''Pickle Man:''' Where do I go?

'''Emily:''' Okay– there's some benches, like, ''nearby''…

'''Pickle Man:''' Yeah?

'''Emily:''' Um, just sit and watch him [''unintelligible''] till you need to go change or whatever.

'''Pickle Man:''' Okay. Well, I- I started the- I [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Pickle Man:''' Okay. I'll [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' [''exhales loudly''] Yeah. Or just, like… kinda walk around and see if you can… see us.

===The Green Mile (0:04:44–0:05:19)===

[''Emily's footfalls can be heard as she marches off to meet the manchild.'']

===Meet the Parent (0:05:20–0:07:17)===

'''Emily:''' ''Hi!''

'''Chris:''' Hello! Emily?

'''Emily:''' Yeah! I'm Emily. So nice to meet you!

'''Chris:''' Hi, Emily. This is my father, Robert.

'''Bob:''' Hello.

'''Emily:''' Hello. [pause] I've started [[Rosechu|shopping]] a little bit.

'''Chris:''' That's alright.

'''Bob:''' You're from West Virgina?

'''Emily:''' Yeah... I used to live here for a while, but then, I-

'''Chris:''' [''abruptly''] Hey!

'''Emily:''' But then, I moved to-

'''Chris:''' [[Autism|Cute hat!]]

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I thought you might like it.

'''Chris:''' [''laughs contentedly'']

'''Bob:''' You go to school over there?

'''Emily:''' Yeah– [[Wikipedia:West Virginia University|University of West Virginia]]. My friend, uh, wanted to go to school there, and she's my best friend, so I have to… go with her everywhere! [''laughs nervously'']

'''Bob:''' That sounds like the best way to do things!

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Hey, Emily– you mind, uh, a photo of you and me together?

'''Emily:''' Sure!

[pause]

'''Bob:''' What are you taking?

'''Emily:''' I'm doing journalism.

'''Bob:''' What?

'''Emily:''' ''Journalism.''

'''Bob:''' Journalism?

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Ah! You wanna be a writer!

'''Emily:''' Yeah! [''giggles''] I did a lot-

'''Bob:''' He has a… [[Cole Smithey|''half-brother'']] who's- who lives in New York City… and, uh, does ''freelance'' writing and show reviews and things… for newspapers and magazines.

'''Emily:''' Is it- does he love it?

'''Bob:''' I ''guess''.

'''Emily:''' [''giggles again'']

'''Bob:''' I haven't talked to him in years…

'''Emily:''' Yeah…

'''Chris:''' I can't this dang camera to work!

[pause]

'''Bob:''' Yeah– that's- I worked at, uh- I'm an engineer… and engineers [[Chris and English|never learn how to spell]].

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' I think very logically, but I-

'''Chris:''' Shoot! I got bad batteries in the [[Chris and camerawork|camera]].

'''Emily:''' [''disappointed''] Oh...

'''Bob:''' If I would- if I would ''write'' anything, half the words would be phonetically rather than the way we're… ''supposed'' to do.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' I got along fine… writing stuff… on my ''word'' processor… when I had a ''spell'' checker.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Without that, I'm [''unintelligible, but clearly self-deprecating''] [''laughs heartily'']

'''Emily:''' Did you like doing engineering?

'''Bob:''' Well... I- I had a real ''u-''nique situation…

[''pause'']

===Bob's work history (0:07:18–0:16:58)===

'''Bob:''' Look, uh… I'm- I'm really old.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Okay– to start with: I'm 81. And, uh, I came along ''before'' [[Wikipedia:Transistor|transistors]].

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' Not- not [unintelligible] all the safe stuff we have now, but even before ''transistors''… when we had [[Wikipedia:Vacuum tube|vacuum tubes]].

'''Bob:''' I, uh... got drafted after World War II. That's how old. But, uh... then, they put me in the Signal Corps, and they knew things I didn't know. They taught me how to install valve systems and switchboards and telephone poles. So, I found out: yeah– I'm pretty good at that. So, when I got out– 'course that was in [[Pre-1980#1947|1947]]– I found out- now, I know that we had a depression on our hands; I didn't know it then.

'''Bob:''' You couldn't get a job, so, I thought "Well, I got the G.I. Bill. I'll go to school."

'''Emily:''' Yeah– now, it's really hard to become an engineer.

'''Bob:''' Yeah– now, ya- I, uh-

'''Bob:''' I went to… a state teaching college to start with, 'cause I had the philosophy that if I went to a big school I'd be just… swallowed up.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' So, I went to a small school and took Pre-Engineering for two years, and that was the best thing ''I'' ever did, 'cause I wound up, uh- well, I got- I got through my two years of Pre-Engineering in small classes.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' And also, I loved [[music]], and I was in [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys|the band]] and everything. And I got in the symphony orchestra… and learned a lot about music while I was up there too.

'''Bob:''' And then, I went to Auburn, and then [''unintelligible''] talk about getting swallowed up!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Then, at that time, Auburn- which now has what: 30,000 students, or something? Auburn had about 5,000 students.

'''Bob:''' I got my Engineering degree. And then, when I got out, I said "Well, I'll, uh... I can do anything with relays and telephones and valve systems, and that sort of thing. I'm gonna work for Western Electric."

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' That seems logical, right?

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' [suddenly offended somehow] Hey!

'''Bob:''' Because they make, uh-

'''Chris:''' You- no– you listen to my father… because he's somethin'! Because I get some of my intelligence from ''him''.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' [[Chris and reality|Especially my ''technological'' intelligence.]]

'''Bob:''' But anyway, I, uh- I went to work for them for forty years, and, uh... at that point in time…

'''Bob:''' Uh, this is even ''before'' the Atlas missile… the ICBM.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs nervously'']

'''Bob:''' ''Before'' the Korean War… and, uh- but, I- I found out they were building ''radar'' systems. Well, that was fine, but also, they had lots of government money, so they wanted some automatic test equipment. At that time, ''nothing'' was automatic. They ''had'' none!

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' So, that's what ''I'' went and built, that kinda stuff, what I learned in the army, right?

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' So, I started working with the first automatic test equipment that we ever made. And then, [[Wikipedia:General Electric|GE]] heard about it… and they came down to [''possibly town name''] in North Carolina.

'''Bob:''' And- so, GE came down; they offered me a job… up in upstate New York. Cold country in Utica.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' And then, uh... I went down to build some automatic test equipment for the ICBM [''unintelligible''] [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Intercontinental Ballistic Missile]].

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' Nobody knows how, 'cause we haven't done it before.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' We'd done some of this automatic test equipment down here. "Why don't you come up there?" "Well, okay!"

'''Bob:''' So, I went up there for three years and helped develop the, uh, automatic… equipment… for testing the missiles, and… all the guidance systems, and things… in the [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' But- but I got- I was a soldier, true and tried, 'cause I was born in Texas and raised in Alabama.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And then, I was in North Carolina first. And then, I hit upstate New York, and I froze to death. [''chuckles'']

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Yeah, that must be really different! [''laughs again'']

'''Bob:''' Well, after three years, I said "I'm going back to somethin' [''unintelligible'']" Well, GE- I didn't know it then, but I had a real, natural ''draw''… to the mountains.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' And I knew about Roanoke, since I'd been in, uh, [''unintelligible''] So, I wanted to come back to Roanoke, and GE had plants there.

'''Bob:''' And… they were there developing- specializing in industrial automation. Except they didn't done any ''automation'' yet. They were just industrial-controlled.

'''Bob:''' So, I finagled a transfer back to Roanoke, and… I got there just at the time when they were startin'… to make… any kind of automation controls for engines.

'''Bob:''' So, I got into what they call "a new business area". And I got to do ''all'' the great things. All my- I- I really had it right. I was in the right places at the right time.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Because I am very ''[[Autism|logically]]-''inclined.

'''Emily:''' That doesn't really happen nowadays, with the economy…

'''Bob:''' Yeah– and I- I'm a logician.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Oddly enough, I never learned how a transistor even works… on records. But I ''use'' 'em all the time.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' I use 'em. I'm retired now, a long time. But… when I started out with this group, and the first thing we got into was trying to automate a steel mill… for rolling [''unintelligible''] steel for your cars.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' Well, we did that. And then, I got into… how to roll papers so you could get Kleenex.

'''Emily:''' [''giggles'']

'''Chris:''' And, of course, y'know, he's the guy that designed the controls for all the plastic water machines, so without him at this time, you couldn't have the plastic for your glasses.

'''Bob:''' And- and then- then, I got into- I was in the new business area where we could do the first one… and then, somebody else would take over and do the others.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' And- and then, I got into managing a paper mill. But then, I got into the… industry of- of, uh, like phone line warehousing, automatic transition, like BART: Bay Area Rapid Transit.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' Automatic railroads and all that kind of stuff. Automated a bunch of that. Then, I got into automating a bunch of mine [unintelligible] around the world.

'''Emily:''' You've been through a lot!

'''Bob:''' And then, I went to automating tanker ships, so you could run 'em from the bridge and have nobody downstairs.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Just someone else involved-

'''Chris:''' Want some water?

'''Emily:''' No, thank you.

'''Bob:''' And, uh... then, uh- then, um, I got into… I developed a system and I found out that there was very few people like me in the world that had this natural… inclination… for logic.

'''Bob:''' Anyway, like [[Wikipedia:Logic gate|the ANDs, and ORs, and the what-ifs, and the what-if-nots]].

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And then, I developed a system… called a [''inaudible''] that stands [''unintelligible''], that's an acronym.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' Hardware-oriented [[2000|Y2K]] pile of junk!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Similar fortune… was in… ''hardware''.

'''Emily:''' Oh, okay.

'''Chris:''' Hey, everybody– I got [unintelligible]

'''Emily:''' Oh, thank you.

'''Bob:''' What this enables-

'''Chris:''' [''unintelligible, but clearly addressing Emily'']

'''Emily:''' [''giggles''] Thank you.

'''Bob:''' What this enables everybody to do- and me, too, but I was lazy…

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' Was to write down on- on paper– and design on paper from the start– a sequence of parallel lines.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' And up to that point, nobody had a way of writin' it down on paper.

'''Emily:''' [''half-stifles a genuine laugh'']

'''Bob:''' And they ''still'' don't, really! [unintelligible]

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' But that [unintelligible] to mind, horse and buggy.

'''Bob:''' Elevator-type system that's over a 5,000 ft. hole!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Then, I got into, uh, designing… ''scooter'' machines, which fused all the plastic around wires, and things like that…

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Scooters. And then, I got into... die-cast machines… and the machines automating ''them''. They make things like carburetors, and [[My Coke Rewards|cans]], and whatever.

'''Bob:''' And then, I got into ''plastics''… and even the ''plastics'' were [unintelligible] automating their machines. In the process, I ended up with about… ''two'' patents [unintelligible] in ''my'' name that ''they'' own. And all this… dumb stuff. And I saw the first 2-liter Coke bottle…

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Come off the line in New England.

'''Bob:''' [unintelligible] on it, and all these [''unintelligible''] microvalves, and ''doors'', and- and, um... ''shutters'', and [[Kimmi|stuff like that made out of plastic]]. All this stuff we got plastic.

'''Chris:''' [''unintelligible''] in your frames!

'''Emily:''' Yep! [''giggles'']

'''Bob:''' Including, uh, [[Sex toys|Tupperware]].

'''Emily:''' Can't… go without Tupperware…

'''Bob:''' So, then [''unintelligible''] ''finalized'' and- and perfected, basically, this [''unintelligible''] process…

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' Of design and documentation. [''unintelligible''] It came time for me to retire. And so, I did! [''chuckles'']

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' So, now, I'm ''un-''indated with all this stuff I did, and I don't know whether I did the world a good thing or not.

'''Emily:''' I think you did!

'''Bob:''' But I can't-

'''Emily:''' You did a lot of things.

'''Bob:''' I can't spell the word "[[cat]]" without a 'K' in it.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Uh, yeah, well, y'know, [[Chris and his ego|I'm proud of him anyway]], for his accompliment- accom-''plish-''ments.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

[pause]

'''Bob:''' He's got a ''half-''brother who's a doctor.

'''Chris:''' ''His'' son.

'''Emily:''' ''Oh...'' okay.

'''Bob:''' And he's got a- and I have a daughter, who is his- his half-sister… that's a… [[Wikipedia:Phi Beta Kappa Society|Phi Beta Kappa]] outta UVA Atlantic.

'''Emily:''' ''Oh...'' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' She's workin' for the federal government, and she's got a Ph.D. now. She's working somewhere for the federal government. All these [[Autism|math people]]… I dunno.

===Retired life (0:16:59–0:24:22)===

'''Emily:''' I'm not very good at math. [''giggles'']

'''Bob:''' I'm not that-

'''Emily:''' That's why-

'''Bob:''' I'm good at ''logic'', but not at math.

'''Chris:''' But ''I'm'' good at math!

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Bob:''' He's not good at math when it comes to managing [[money]].

[pause]

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Hey– look! Hey– look it! I have… ''your'' plastic lid on it!

[''Chris chuckles and Emily laughs'']

'''Bob:''' We've been working with him, now, for 27 years.

'''Bob:''' It was a challenge. ''Most'' of the time, I've been retired, so I could stay home.

'''Emily:''' Yeah... usually, if you're not very good at math, you're really good at writing, which is why I'm going for journalism.

'''Bob:''' Yeah– well, I, um... I did- I do alright with writing as long as I got a spell checker.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

[''pause'']

'''Bob:''' I just, uh- I- but I enjoyed my life. It- it, uh- it- I had… things; I had- I had opportunities that most people don’t get.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' I got to see all this stuff now.

'''Emily:''' That’s good. I hope that, like, y'know, I can travel around the world and, y'know... write up- do some journalism, like, overseas.

'''Bob:''' Yeah– I’ve been to [[PandaHalo|Australia]], and I’ve been to Korea, and I've been to [[Anne Boleyn|England]]. ''Most'' people [''unintelligible''] to see 'em, but [''unintelligible''] I've never seen, 'cause they work too good.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Well, it- it was interesting. [pause] I wish I could get- find out what ''Christian's'' really good- well, he’s pretty good in [[Art|drawing]]…

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And writing.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– he- she should know; she- you’ve- you should know; you've seen a bunch of [[Chris and art|my artwork]].

'''Emily:''' Yeah! It’s really good! All my- all my friends like it, as well.

'''Bob:''' [[Chris and copyright|He’s ''creative'']]… but he’s, um... I- I guess you know he’s- [[autism|he's high-functioning autistic]]… and, um...

'''Chris''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' At six, he couldn’t even ''talk''… but he was… ''programming'' [unintelligible] on his computer: his [[Wikipedia:Commodore International|Commodore]] computer…

'''Chris:''' [[Wikipedia:Commodore 64|Commodore 64]].

'''Bob:''' [''laughs''] Which was his first little-

'''Emily:''' Oh! I don’t know very many- much about computers! [''giggles''] Sorry! [''giggles some more'']

'''Bob:''' You’ve probably got a laptop, with a word processor, don't ya?

'''Emily:''' [''reluctantly''] Yeah...

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah– but you-

'''Bob:''' Now, we've- we- we’ve brought him a long way.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' It’s been interesting.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... well, that’s a little piece for you- that you can, uh, write about, if you want to.

'''Emily:''' Yeah! That- that would be interesting.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, you- anyway, you came all the way here from, uh, VCU? Or did you make a few stops along the way?

'''Emily:''' No– I came all the way from VCU. Um... like, a lot of my fr- uh, friends over at VCU? They're into the whole Sonichu thing, but there’s a lot more… uh, like, I guess "[[Sonichu Girls]]"…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Up in, uh, the University of West Virginia. And we… k- we kinda do, like, a newsletter-type thing every week.

'''Chris:''' Wow.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

[''pause'']

'''Bob:''' But this is in one of my favorite spots in the country.

'''Chris:''' [''responding belatedly to Emily''] I commend you for that.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' [''unintelligible''] little trees on West Avenue.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' Have you heard of West Avenue?

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' You know where West Avenue is?

'''Emily:''' Yeah– a little bit; I don’t… really go in that area.

'''Bob:''' They're at the end of VCU, then?

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs politely''] I don’t know that area very well.

'''Bob:''' It’s- it's a street of, uh, townhouses. And it's about three blocks long. And it’s got a second name called "Stork Alley".

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' And every spring, they have a "Stork Alley Rally".

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh? Oh…

'''Bob:''' At the same time, they have the Easter parade over on Monument Avenue.

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I’ve never seen it before, but my friends tell me about it. But I’m usually stuck in, y'know… college.

'''Bob:''' Yeah– but- but I was only in Richmond… um… 1975 through 1980. And then, I got married to ''his'' mother. And, um... ''he'' was born, and then, we got transferred over here; I worked for GE. And we lived in Chesterfield County… but I ''love'' West Avenue; that’s my favorite spot.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' I call it "Sesame Street".

'''Emily:''' Oh, that’s… [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Because they call it "Stork Alley", 'cause there’s so many kids.

'''Emily:''' Oh, yeah?

[''pause'']

'''Bob:''' I- I- I love the Virginian area.

'''Bob:''' His ''mother''… was raised– but you wouldn’t believe it– she- she was raised in a [''unintelligible''] home. And one that's [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' Right there on, um… I can’t think of the name of that street: the one that goes right in front of the [[Burger King]]… down at… VCU.

'''Emily:''' I don’t know what… streets really are-

'''Bob:''' Well, again- but that is a street that goes right in front of Burger King…

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' And right down the street from there is where… ''his'' mother lived for about twenty years and raised [[Cole Smithey|her first son]]. And he’s got a lot of ties to the family, too; he just doesn’t like me.

'''Emily:''' Oh... do you guys have a big family?

[pause]

'''Bob:''' Well, uh, we’ve got- we've got ''my'' son, and my daughter. You- my son’s in [[Richmond]], and my daughter’s in Washington.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' And then, we’ve got ''her'' son, who's in New York. And then, there’s the three of us.

[''pause'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah– Schiflett's a really big family.

'''Bob:''' Yeah– we got… two- really, two separate families.

'''Emily:''' Mmm.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... but it’s not as big as [[Wikipedia:The Brady Bunch|The Brady Bunch]]!

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' No… it isn't.

'''Emily:''' No.

'''Bob:''' But we- we- we enjoy it, and I- I have- uh, I grow flowers. And... I don’t have to worry about… makin' a livin' anymore…

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' With [[Monthly tugboat|Social Security]], and... the GE pension. And GE's good and sound… fortunately!

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs politely'']

[pause]

'''Bob:''' So, uh... I- I grow day lilies. I’ve gotten my yard full of [''unintelligible'']. And in the middle, I’ve got a, um... well, about fifteen-foot plastic greenhouse.

'''Emily:''' Oh?

'''Bob:''' Except… inside this greenhouse, it’s different.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' Inside this greenhouse, there’s ''plastic'' flowers.

'''Emily:''' Oh– ''plastic'' flowers?

'''Bob:''' A ''swing''… and, uh, all my ''stereo'' stuff, and, uh...

'''Chris:''' Yeah– but he’s got ''real'' flowers in his garden.

'''Emily:''' Oh. Oh, okay.

'''Bob:''' Yeah– the day lilies are real, in the garden; but inside here, it’s all flat.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– day lilies bloom about once a year, during- dur- about ''once''-

'''Bob:''' In the summer.

'''Chris:''' This- this summer.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' There- there's also that-

'''Chris:''' And then, they stay that way for about a month or so. It’s a beautiful garden.

'''Emily:''' Oh, I can imagine!

'''Bob:''' Yeah– I’ve got about 15,000 healthy-

'''Chris:''' [''dreamily/creepily''] ''Imagine!''

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' And I- I love all the music from- from Dixieland to Big Band to [unintelligible].

'''Chris:''' Raise me on music, he did!

'''Emily:''' [''giggles'']

'''Bob:''' And- and musicals. And soundtracks.

'''Emily:''' Well, what’s ''your'' favorite artist?

'''Chris:''' Uh, my favorite artist? Well, he didn’t raise me on it, but, y'know, my favorite ss- uh... ''singer'' is [[Britney Spears]].

'''Emily:''' Britney Spears?

'''Bob:''' And, uh, he's got all- uh, mine are all back from the '40s, and '30s, and '20s, and-

'''Emily:''' And he’s into… more ''modern'' pop music?

'''Chris:''' Although… I guess if I had to pick a ''classic'' favorite, it would have to be ''[[Niggos|Satchmo']]'.

'''Emily:''' "Satchmo"?

'''Chris:''' [[Wikipedia:Louis Armstrong|Louis Armstrong]].

'''Bob:''' And- but I've got him all these big ''classics'' now-

'''Chris:''' [''does terrible Satchmo impression''] "Ten feet off the ground! Ba-doom-ba-bam-bow. [''Worst attempt at scatting ever'']"

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' [''imitates trumpet melody'']

'''Emily:''' [''giggles'']

'''Bob:''' I couldn't ''afford'' it when it came out. All the European records were [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' I couldn't ''afford'' it when they came out, 'cause they were ten, twelve dollars a piece, then, but now, you can get 'em at [[Chris and fashion|Goodwill and Salvation Army]]…

'''Emily:''' Well like-

'''Bob:''' A ''quarter'' to ''fifty'' cents apiece.

'''Emily:''' [''feigning enthusiastic agreement''] Yeah! [''laughs weakly'']

'''Bob:''' ''Thousands'' of them now!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' And inside, uh, I found out that inside this, um… um… ''greenhouse''…

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm?

'''Bob:''' It's got a ''dome'' ceiling… which gives it the ca- ''cathedral'' kind of [unintelligible]

'''Bob:''' Well... I found this ''great'' stereo system at, uh- in the [[1970s]], at Goodwill… and put ''it'' out there… along with the swing.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' And... if you turn the volume up, then that music just sounds like it’s the hall where they ''recorded'' it! Ah– it's great! Goin' out there and swingin' with my music for hours on end!

'''Emily:''' [''unintelligible'']

'''Bob:''' [''laughs heartily'']

'''Emily:''' That must be really relaxing!

'''Bob:''' Well, yeah– it's a nice life!

'''Emily:''' Yeah! [''laughs politely'']

===Bob's health problems (0:24:23–0:25:29)===

'''Bob:''' If I didn't have to worry about ''him'', I'd be in ''great'' shape!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs sympathetically'']

'''Bob:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' [''laughs nervously''] [unintelligible] But he's been- still been in… good shape all his [unintelligible, seems like gibberish] I mean, he's been in- he's been through, uh, ''three'' triple- ''two'' triple-bypasses?

'''Bob:''' Yeah– I was supposed to ''die'' in 1980.

'''Emily:''' Oh, no! What happened?

'''Bob:''' In fact, I ''did''.

'''Emily:''' What happened?

'''Bob:''' I [[Tobacky|smoked]] too much…

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Bob:''' And, um... I worked for GE.

'''Bob:''' I did [[Barbara|all this dumb stuff I shouldn't have]].

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Chris:''' Yeah- but yeah– he- but yes– uh...

'''Bob:''' And, um...

'''Chris:''' God let him survive!

'''Bob:''' I had a couple [[Heart level|heart attacks]], and...

'''Emily:''' [''responding to Chris''] Yeah– [[Chris|for]] [[Burger King|a]] [[Barbara|reason]]!

'''Chris:''' And he's got a [[Wikipedia:Artificial pacemaker|pacemaker]] now!

'''Bob:''' Yeah... I- I've been through- I lived through a [[Wikipedia:Triple bypass|triple-bypass]] in [[1980]] when they were brand new.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs nervously'']

'''Bob:''' And survived that… so, [[Chris and death|I've only died a couple times!]] And then, I got- I got through that. Then, ''he'' came along.

'''Chris:''' Hey! He come-

'''Bob:''' And then, I- I got retired…

'''Chris:''' Hey!

'''Emily:''' Hmm?

'''Chris:''' Yeah– hey– he's the one that's b- that has seen the light, but did not actually go ''to'' it…

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' And, um...

'''Chris:''' A ''number'' of times.

'''Bob:''' I had ''another'' triple-bypass in [[1992|'92]]… And I died a couple times that [''unintelligible''] And that was at Chippenham, over in Chester County.

'''Emily:''' Oh...

===Memories of High School (0:25:30–0:26:12)===

'''Bob:''' And, uh... when I was over there with him, I- I put him to school through, uh, ''Chesterfield'' County's school system.

'''Chris:''' Uh...

'''Bob:''' Well, they're the best in the country…

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Bob:''' For- for schools, ''I'' think.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Bob:''' And- and, um...

'''Chris:''' [[Manchester High]].

'''Emily:''' [''uninterested''] Oh, really?

'''Bob:''' Then, um...

'''Chris:''' That's my birthstone: [[Amnyfest Ring|amnyfest]].

'''Emily:''' And the ''side'' of it… What does it say: "Lancers"?

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Is that- wait– is that your mascot?

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Then…what's on the other side? "[[2000]]"?

'''Chris:''' Yes... that's my class and coat'a arms.

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Chris:''' [[Manchester High School]]. And look at the jewel! It's a galaxy cut on top, and a [[rainbow]] on the bottom. If you look at- in the ring-

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

'''Chris:''' Do you see-

'''Emily:''' I see it!

'''Chris:''' Do you see the rainbow?

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [[speech impediment|Well, anyway, like, y'know,]] I guess that's enough- y'know, that's enough talk from ''him''. Uh... you were gonna ask…

'''Emily:''' Aww...

'''Chris:''' ''Me'' something?

===The "Sonichu Girls" Club (0:26:13–0:29:01)===

'''Bob:''' Now, I wanna find out about these… ''Sonichu'' Girls!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Sonichu Girls?

'''Bob:''' 'Cause I didn't know about them.

'''Emily:''' Oh– didn't… Chris tell you about them?

'''Bob:''' No– he doesn't- no– he doesn't normally- he doesn't… ''tell'' me much about them, so... See– he's a- he- he and his mother [[Biological clock|stay up all night]]… and I stay up all day.

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Chris:''' Uh... actually reminds me more- actually, we're more- sometimes, you stay up in the day; sometimes, you stay up in the night.

'''Emily:''' So, you've got, like, ''mixed''… like, sleep schedules, I guess?

'''Chris:''' ''Yeah''... my mom- and my- my mom picked up my bad biological- my messed-up [[biological clock]].

'''Bob:''' Yeah...

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Bob:''' She stays up all night! But anyway... I- I- yeah– I found out about 'em from… I guess, when you called on the phone…

'''Emily:''' Oh! [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' And- and left a message.

'''Emily:''' Yeah– it's a pretty big fanbase. Um... there's actually about- about 30-some girls… at University of West Virginia who, like, are part of the fan club.

'''Bob:''' Hmm!

'''Emily:''' And then, there's- I mean, there's, uh, plenty of others, like, around the world, too, that- we talk to… um, on the forums that we have?

'''Bob:''' Uh-huh.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Do- you got one here in UVA?

'''Emily:''' I don't know… [''giggles''] I don't have very many friends at UVA.

'''Bob:''' [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely''] That's why I heard- that's why.

'''Bob:''' VCU's [unintelligible]

'''Emily:''' Yeah. They're a lot more laid-back over there.

'''Bob:''' Yeah. Well, they're in the sand! How else could you be?

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' 'Cause in the sand, you have to be laid-back.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

[pause]

'''Bob:''' Y'know, I was curious about this- this club…

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh?

'''Bob:''' I- I didn't know he even knew about it! ''I'' didn't know about it. I think it's great!

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

[''pause'']

'''Chris:''' Hey– I've been on the [[IRC|Internet chat]]! And plus, y'know...

'''Bob:''' [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Y'know, certain-

'''Bob:''' Plus [[medallion|the ''medallion'']], Christian!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... um...

'''Bob:''' He's got this yellow medallion with Sonichu on it…

'''Emily:''' Yeah! Why- why aren't you wearing your… [''suddenly concerned''] m- medallion?

'''Chris:''' Um... I just believe I expressed that, uh... in a video on, uh, [[YouTube]]? But I- I, uh...

'''Emily:''' I might've missed that; I'm not sure.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– um... I'd rather not say in front of- I'd rather not say in front of ''Father''… but, uh...

'''Bob:''' There's a lot of things he doesn't tell me; he doesn't share things with me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' ''Oh''... [''laughs nervously'']

'''Chris:''' [whispering] If I told him why, he'd have ''another'' heart attack…

'''Emily:''' Oh, no! [''laughs politely'']

[''pause'']

'''Bob:''' Whatever.

'''Emily:''' Yeah! [''laughs politely again'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah... But I mean, y'know… think of it this way: at least you don't have another face that you have- you don't- it saves you one face to have to look at!

'''Emily:''' Yeah... [''laughs nervously'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah– and look at 'em, y'know: they're ashually ''[[Heterochromia|green-blue]]''.

[pause]

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I see it!

[pause]

'''Chris:''' Yeah– pink eye in that eye, and then, uh, the prescribed eye drops changed the pigment!

'''Emily:''' Wow... I didn't know that… could happen! [''laughs nervously'']

'''Chris:''' Mmm. ''Yeah''... looks like you kinda, like, uh, have green-brown eyes yourself?

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

[pause]

'''Chris:''' Uh...

'''Emily:''' I thought they were just plain brown! [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah– it's just that- y'know, it's- the angle of the light kinda gave it a little bit of a greenish tint…

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Bob:''' [''unintelligible''] might be blue...

===Emily isn't hungry (0:29:02–0:29:58)===

'''Chris:''' Yeah... but ''anyway'', uh… you came all the way from VCU; uh... you hungry?

'''Emily:''' Oh– no, I'm not hungry. I ate on the way here, really.

'''Chris:''' Oh– you-

'''Emily:''' Stopped at, like, a rest stop. Got some vending m- [''laughs nervously''] vending machine snacks… and that's it.

'''Chris:''' ''Oh.'' That's good. That's good; uh... ''Father'' was thinkin' about, like- was gonna get us ''spaghetti'', and, uh... [''truly flustered''] we wanna sh- we wanna split it be- he was gonna split it between me, and, uh... I'm gonna split mine with you…

'''Emily:''' Oh, no… I'm not hungry. Thank you, though!

'''Chris:''' [weakly] Yeah.

'''Bob:''' We usually split a [[SpaghettiRoutine|spaghetti]], 'cause I- I can't eat it all!

[pause]

'''Chris:''' ''Yeah''... it's a really big bowl for him…

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Chris:''' Really… ''whoop!''

[''Emily laughs and Chris chuckles'']

'''Bob:''' It's not as big as I'd like… y'know... it's bigger!

'''Emily:''' No… [''giggles'']

'''Chris:''' Let's see… well, Dad– why don't you go get your spaghetti?

'''Bob:''' Do you want some?

'''Emily:''' No. I'm- I'm not hungry. Thank you, though…

'''Chris:''' Yeah... we could get you some ''water''.

'''Emily:''' No– I'm not thirsty, as well.

[pause]

'''Chris:''' Mmm. Okay– well, go ahead and get your sh- go ahead and get the spaghetti, Father.

'''Bob:''' Alright.

===Bob's health problems revisited (0:29:59–0:32:11)===

'''Bob:''' Yeah– I got one other thing I was gonna tell you about…

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh?

'''Bob:''' Since we've talked about it: on that, uh... I've died about five times now. The last time, I was at [[Golden Corral]]. The restaurant?

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh?

'''Bob:''' [''unintelligible'']

'''Chris:''' And… my mom was there with him.

'''Bob:''' [''chuckles''] I just… hit the floor!

'''Emily:''' Oh, no!

'''Chris:''' No– not really; uh... he was- uh, he was pullin' out his credit c- not really "hit the floor", but… he was pullin' out his, uh, credit card?

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm?

'''Chris:''' And he would've… hit a- he was standing in front of, like, the cash register, and there was a bar railing there; the bar rail was there. If he- if my mom wasn't there to catch him…

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Chris:''' His- like his guardian angel, he would'a hit the bar and would've been… worse…

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Chris:''' Would've been worse off!

'''Emily:''' Oh, wow...

'''Bob:''' But anyway, uh, now, I've got a pacemaker.

'''Emily:''' Wow. [''laughs nervously'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah– and ''that's'' when he got his pacemaker.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' I guess that won't happen in, uh...

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

[pause]

'''Bob:''' But I- I think the real reason why I survived all those attacks… which I think I'm ''proud'' of…

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm?

'''Bob:''' I don't know about you.

'''Chris:''' ''He's'' proud of it.

'''Bob:''' ''I'm'' proud of it. I don't know whether ''he'' is or not.

'''Chris:''' I'm proud of him, for it!

'''Bob:''' But I'm, um- I found out a few years ago- about… 10 or 15 years ago…

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm?

'''Bob:''' That I was… at least one-fourth [[Cherokee]]!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah– so, that makes me an eighth… Cherokee.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' So, I figured that- and then, I checked back all my father's… relatives [unintelligible] all the way up to be up in their 80s, and 90s, and even over ''100'' sometimes.

'''Emily:''' Dang! [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Well, I figured: well, that's why I keep bouncin' back from this.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' This ain't [[September 2011|my time]] yet.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– either that or, uh, God's lettin' him stick around for my… c- for ''my'' case.

'''Bob:''' Somebody's gotta look out for him!

'''Emily:''' Oh... [''laughs nervously'']

'''Bob:''' [''cackles'']

'''Chris:''' [''cackles almost identically'']

'''Bob:''' Somebody's gotta pay the bills!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs nervously again'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay, Dad, uh... you s- alright, Dad-

'''Bob:''' Now- now, I'm dismissed, so I can go eat.

'''Emily:''' Oh... [''laughs nervously yet again'']

'''Chris:''' Well… not really "dismissed", because… y'know, I'm [[Obesity|a little hungry myself]]… So… [''laughs nervously''] y'know, Dad, please go get the spaghetti and the bread.

'''Bob:''' You sure you don't want something?

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I'm sure. Thank you for asking, though.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– y'know, I was concerned, myself.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Bob:''' Well, I'll let you two talk… mainly to save the table…

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Yeah…

'''Bob:''' [''laughs heartily''] Then, I'll come back, and… If you don't mind us eatin' in front of you!

'''Emily:''' I don't mind.

[pause]

'''Bob:''' You better tell me more about this club you've got!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

[''Bob walks away'']

===Chris fails at flirting (0:32:12–0:36:48)===

'''Chris:''' Mmm. Yeah– y'know, you- uh... I must say you look ''good''.

'''Emily:''' Oh– thank you!

'''Chris:''' And, y'know, you are the first, uh, female Sonichu fan to have actually come a long distance to see me.

'''Emily:''' Oh– well, it's not that far! I’m sure, like, maybe some of the girls from VCU would come down sometime: like, maybe during s- uh... summer break.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– but I mean, at least all the way from, uh, West Virginia.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' I mean, that’s farther than VCU, I'm sure.

'''Emily:''' Yeah! [''laughs politely''] We might take a road trip down here.

'''Chris:''' [in a sing-song voice] "Take a road trip! It's a little road trip!"

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' Mmm. [''does terrifying [[Donald Duck impression]]''] "And this is my [[duck]] talk! This is, uh, Donald Duck!"

'''Emily:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] [almost fearful] Is that the one that scared that child?

'''Chris:''' Uh... at the-

'''Emily:''' At [[Wendy's|Wendy’s]].

'''Chris:''' Uh...

'''Emily:''' I don’t know how that’s scary.

'''Chris:''' No– not- not- no– not- really scary; y'see, he was ''tired''…

'''Emily:''' ''Oh''... okay. So, you…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Oh, okay.

'''Chris:''' But it makes a lot of children smile, ‘cause they’re familiar with that D- classic Disney character.

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

[pause]

'''Chris:''' ''Yeah''... you mi- you don’t mind if I t- if I, uh, have my hand on your shoulder?

'''Emily:''' Uh, not for too long…

'''Chris:''' [''chuckles''] "Not for too long".

'''Emily:''' ''Okay''... not- not for too long…

'''Chris:''' Okay [''incredibly creepily'']...

'''Emily:''' [''laughs nervously'']

'''Chris:''' Mmm. [''chuckles again''] This is like- wow– I finally… get, like, this… beautiful girl in front of me…

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely''] Thank you.

'''Chris:''' And she's like- and she actually got to know ''me''.

'''Emily:''' [weakly] Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Just, like, y'know, uh... Yeah. So… what’s your- what's the reason you need ''your'' [[glasses]] for? I’m ''near-''sighted myself.

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I’m nearsighted, as well.

'''Chris:''' Oh.

'''Emily:''' I don’t have very good eyes.

'''Chris:''' [''chuckles''] It's like, y'know, [[The Creepy Stare|we’re close, so it's like, y'know, we don’t need glasses to see each other]]…

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Do we?

'''Emily:''' Hmm... no– it's still blurry…

'''Chris:''' ''Yeah''... Mmm. How do you look without that hat? I mean, I want- I'd like to see the, uh…

'''Emily:''' I- I like this hat. My hair doesn’t look good today.

'''Chris:''' Oh…

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Your hair doesn’t look good today? Are you sure?

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I’m sure. [''laughs nervously'']

'''Chris:''' How’s my [[hair]] look?

'''Emily:''' It looks good!

'''Chris:''' Mmm. Looks good. [''chuckles''] Boy– I've had it sleepin' against ''pillows''… and I took a [[ShowerRoutine|shower]] before I went- before I went to- um, crashing on the… couch.

'''Emily:''' [slightly disgusted] Oh...

[pause]

'''Chris:''' Yeah– but I put on some, uh, bod- body s- some [[Axe|Axe body spray]] before I left. Do you like that smell?

'''Emily:''' Yeah– it depends on which one it is.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Uh, which one is it?

'''Chris:''' I believe it's, uh... it's called "Proximity".

'''Emily:''' Oh– I ''really'' like the choc- the new chocolate one.

'''Chris:''' Oh– the, uh, "[[Niggos|Dark Temptation]]"…

'''Emily:''' ''Yeah.''

'''Chris:''' Oh– I was running low on that can anyway.

'''Emily:''' Oh... okay.

'''Chris:''' It's like I- if I- if I- if we- if we was [[Third date|hookin' up]], I would've gotten more of that!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

[Note: Chris both stutters ''and'' laughs through "if we was hookin' up", so it's not at all clear that Emily realizes what she's laughing at.]

'''Chris:''' [''sighs''] But seriously, though: you ''are'' cute.

'''Emily:''' Oh– thank you.

'''Chris:''' Mmm. ''Mmm''... Yeah– I like- I like this- I like this- I like the get-up you’re wearing. It's like you're- you c- you straight- came straight from, uh... the, uh, ''[[Wikipedia:Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon|PGSM]]''… show.

'''Emily:''' Oh, yeah... [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' It's the live-action ''[[Sailor Moon]]''.

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I’ve seen some of the episodes for that.

'''Chris:''' I’ve got the entire series-

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Saved to my [[PlayStation 3]], including the, uh, wedding episode.

'''Emily:''' Oh– I don’t… think I’ve… seen that one… so…

'''Chris:''' It's, like, the very- it's, like, a very special ''last'' episode.

'''Emily:''' Oh, okay.

[pause]

'''Chris:''' [''in a strange, baby-like voice''] You actually get to see ''[http://sailormoon.wikia.com/wiki/Usagi_Tsukino Usagi]''… [''back to his normal voice''] and, uh- aww, shoot– I forget his name, but, y'know...

'''Emily:''' Uh... Mamoru?

'''Chris:''' Yeah– Samoru. That’s it; ''you'' got it.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' You ''got'' it!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' You got it.

'''Emily:''' Yeah– I used to be a really big fan of ''Sailor Moon''. Well, I still am; I’m just not as big of a fan as… nowadays.

'''Chris:''' Did you see [''unintelligible''] entire [[anime]] series?

'''Emily:''' Um, I haven’t seen the ''last'' season.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– [[Wikipedia:List of Sailor Moon Sailor Stars episodes|''Sailor Stars'']].

'''Emily:''' ''Yeah''... 'cause it didn’t come out in America, 'cause they’re, like, afraid of the [[Silvana Rosechu|transsexuals]]?

'''Chris:''' [''chuckles''] Yeah.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs nervously'']

[pause]

'''Chris:''' Yeah... Yeah– I kn- I know that. But I ''have'' that on, uh- I have that on ''[[DVD]]''-

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Uh, y'know, with J- Japanese audio and [[English]] subtitles.

'''Emily:''' How do you feel about that? Like, the [[Tomgirl Ppictures|transsexuals]] and… the [[Wikipedia:Sailor Starlights|Sailor Starlights]]?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Um...

[''pause'']

'''Emily:''' Does it, like, make you uncomfortable, or… would you-

'''Chris:''' No.

'''Emily:''' Would you have minded if, like, it came out, and the TV showed just, like, [[Pedofork|little kids]]?

[''pause'']

'''Chris:''' Um... ''Yeah''... [''pitiful''] I don’t have much of an opinion…

[''Emily and Chris both laugh'']

'''Emily:''' It's kind of a… sketchy subject, there.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– it's, uh- it's… [''in a British accent''] ''itchy''…

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''pause, laughs nervously'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah– but you can sketch a lot in your, uh... journalism, don't ya?

'''Emily:''' Yeah. Well, I m- I mean, we don’t draw a lot; we just… We do, like, the little outlines, and then, we start writing.

'''Chris:''' Okay– well, I mean, you- I mean, you sketch your ''letters''.

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' I bet you sketch your signature pretty… don’t you?

'''Emily:''' No– I thinks it's, uh- it's just basically a buncha' scribbles.

[''Chris and Emily both laugh'']

'''Chris:''' Eh... a lot of people would say that about their signatures, I’m sure.

'''Emily:''' Well, I mean, some people just, like, put an 'X' for their signature, and that’s it.

'''Chris:''' ''Ah''... but not you. You put…

[pause]

'''Emily:''' An 'E' and… an 'S', basically. [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' Uh- uh, an S?

'''Emily:''' Yeah– Emily Schiflett.

'''Chris:''' Oh– ''that’s'' your last name!

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

'''Chris:''' "Schiflett".

'''Emily:''' Yeah– my middle name’s [[Julie|Jul]][[Kacey|ia]].

'''Chris:''' ''"Julia"!''

'''Emily:''' ''Yeah.''

'''Chris:''' "Emily Julia Schiflett".

'''Emily:''' [weakly] Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Flows nicely, doesn’t it?

'''Chris:''' It's beautiful!

'''Emily:''' Aww... thank you.

'''Chris:''' D- do you dot your I in "Julia" with a heart?

'''Emily:''' No... [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' [''chuckles'']

[pause]

===Eating spaghetti and conversing (0:36:49–0:44:46)===

[''Bob comes back'']

'''Chris:''' [''sighs''] Alright, Dad– uh, I'll let you, uh, divvy up the spaghetti onto my plate.

'''Bob:''' I get to divvy it up!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Bob:''' Wow! Christian– I don't know… I tell you, my ''treat'' to finally come down here! I love their spaghetti!

'''Emily:''' ''Oh''... really? I don't think- I've only had their pizza there… before…

'''Bob:''' Yeah– the, um- all the spaghetti places in town are [[List of Chris's PSN game downloads|too expensive]].

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' My favorite, though, is, um, Olive Garden.

'''Emily:''' ''Oh.''

'''Chris:''' Yeah– b- but-

'''Bob:''' But they don't have one here!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' But they should have one here.

'''Bob:''' ''I'' think they should.

'''Emily:''' [weakly] Yeah…

'''Chris:''' You ever been to an Olive Garden?

'''Emily:''' Mm-mmm.

'''Chris:''' Mmm. Well, yeah– it's a good place to, uh, get, uh, spaghetti.

'''Emily:''' Oh, okay.

'''Chris:''' I- I've actually- yeah– y'know, I was there with my father… when- the few times we visited, uh, Olive Garden.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' Yeah– a good place to get, uh, spaghetti; really good. [pause] And also, we've been to the, uh, few, uh, nearly- to the ''other'' nearly [[Speech impediment|esstinct]], uh, restaurants: y'know, like [[wikipedia:Shoney's|Shoney's]] and WesterN SizzliN.

'''Emily:''' Oh– I haven't seen a Shoney's around in a ''while!''

'''Chris:''' There's one in Chesterfield Count- there's a bun—there's a few in the Richmond area…

'''Bob:''' And one over close to VCU!

'''Emily:''' Oh! Really? I didn't see it! [''laughs politely''] Of course, I'm- I'm usually not looking for them, so…

'''Chris:''' Yeah– we even ha- yeah– we even- at- at home, somewhere, we even have a t- we even have the- the [[Lil'Chris|teddy bear]]: the "Shoney Bear".

[pause]

'''Emily:''' The Shoney Bear?

'''Chris:''' Yeah– it's- that was their mascot.

'''Emily:''' Oh, okay.

'''Chris:''' And I mean, if you look it up- if you look up "Shon"- if you- I'm sure if you Googled "Shoney's", you'd, uh... find their mascot being the teddy-

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Chris:''' Being the bear.

[''pause'']

'''Chris:''' [in a somewhat cutesy voice] "Bein' the bear in the shirt…"

'''Emily:''' [''laughs politely'']

'''Chris:''' [unintelligible] "to… wan- to wan- to… gawk- to ''gander'' at!"

[''pause'']

'''Bob:''' Christian– they got lots of juice!

[''Chris chuckles and Emily laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Well, ''you'' can have it…

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Chris:''' I don't need to, uh, [[Christopher Paul Whitney reveal|''slobber'' all over myself]]… Especially in front of my, uh, "[[Gal-pal|lady friend]]", here.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs politely''] Aww...

'''Chris:''' Mmm.

'''Bob:''' [[Duck|Do ya need a little bit more?]] [long pause] You can deal ''without''…

[''pause'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah– he doesn't usually eat the bread, so, uh, I'll take his- so, [[Obesity|I take his breadsticks]].

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Chris:''' I'm gonna go get some more water.

'''Emily:''' Okay!

'''Chris:''' I'll be right back.

[''Chris walks away'']

[''pause'']

'''Bob:''' [unintelligible] share with him.

'''Emily:''' [laughs politely]

'''Bob:''' I share with my wife. [unintelligible] She had to stay home today.

'''Emily:''' Does she do anything for a living or is she retired as well?

'''Bob:''' She's retired. She used to be a secretary. She worked for uh, General Power.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' You know, our nice power company, whatever they're called now... Dominion?

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And uh, she worked for, um,[[Wikipeida:Circuit City Stores|Circuit City]] for a while before she retired.

'''Emily:''' Well good thing she's gone- she got out of Circuit City before they started going downhill.

'''Bob:''' Yeah, well they were going downhill [unintelligible] retired.

'''Emily:''' Oh really?

'''Bob:''' Yeah, [''unintelligible''] got retirement. She didn't retire 'til, a couple- three years ago. She's younger than I am... everybody is!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' But she's younger than I am, but uh [pause] [unintelligible] she uh worked [''Chris comes back''] She loves that band there, over there. I like the band there. She loves that. Grey Street. Grey Street. [''a Dave Matthews Band [[parody|tribute]]'']

'''Emily:''' Uh huh.

'''Bob:''' Do you know where Grey Street is over there? Do you uh, Do you know where the Burger King is over there by BP is?

'''Chris:''' [''chuckles''] Yeah.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' [''unintelligible, Emily is laughing as he says it'']

'''Bob:''' The [[Burger King]] is on Price Street.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' I-I-I'm an engineer [''unintelligible''] uh, Main, uh, what you would call Main Street.

'''Emily:''' Uh huh.

'''Bob:''' VCU is all back in [pause] all back in here like this,

'''Emily:''' Uh huh.

'''Bob:''' [''unintelligible''] and downtown Richmond is this way.

'''Chris:''' [says something about [[Pokémon]]]

'''Bob:''' He loooves Pokémon.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, we used to come down here for the Pokémon League or uh [''unintelligible''] Yeah, I remember that.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' Well VCU is-is you is-is here. Well all around in here, they're everywhere, but fifth Avenue is over there.

'''Emily:''' Uh huh.

'''Bob:''' And Grey Street is three blocks, all the way through there like this where the lower side of VCU is.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' And they got all their little restaurants and their little stores and things like that and they're all along Grey Street.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' And where his mother lived for about twenty years was right about here... On Grey Street.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Chris:''' Hey, by the way you know I have eaten with uh, chopsticks before.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' See there?

'''Emily:''' That may be kind of hard with a fork and a knife. [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Heh heh heh hey that's close enough.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [laughs]

'''Chris:''' I can't...

'''Bob:''' Yeah, well while we were over there in Richmond.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, are you a little bit [[Ching Chong|Chinese or Asian or Japanese]]?

'''Emily:''' Nuh-uh.

'''Bob:''' I think it's just from wearin' glasses.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, I think it's just the glasses... And the dark hair. [''chuckles'']

'''Bob:''' My best friend over there was Reverend Chen of the Korean Church.

'''Emily:''' Uh huh.

'''Chris:''' And this is in Chesterfield County.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' Yeah. And he was from [[Wikipedia:Seoul|Seoul]], Korea, and I was in Seoul for about a year. Went in about the time he was born.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' But he was my best friend over there, and I used to spend talking with and talking to. Because he was really interested in the world.

'''Emily:''' Mmhm.

'''Bob:''' And I'm really world oriented, and my favorite institution is the United Nations.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' I think they're the answer to everything we got in this world... but... [''delayed pause''] We went to the Korean church while we were over there in Chesterfield County when he was in school. I tell you, that's where picked up the chopsticks.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' [Starts talking but is cut off by Chris.]

'''Chris:''' They gave me, they gave me [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus|my Bible]] that I used in my Sundays- days... when I graduated from [[High School]].

'''Emily:''' Is it part, like, in the other language? Or-

'''Bob''' and '''Chris:''' No.

'''Emily:''' Uh, only English, okay. I know there's some that have like two different languages in it.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it's a [[Honor roll|King England- It's a King England Bible]].

'''Bob:''' And what they do in the Church, they-they [trails off quietly]

'''Chris:''' King's English, whatever it is.

'''Bob:''' [''still quiet, hard to hear''] ...Korean.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' It's all Korean language, except for a few of 'em. And then they had like, a wireless [''unintelligible''], those little earphones, where you could hear the translation.

'''Emily:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Bob:''' It was kind of neat, I-I enjoyed it.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, everybody was able to bring their own food and we'd get to sample it for uh-, and we'd get to have a nice lunch meal every Sunday there.

'''Bob:''' [unintelligible]

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] You like [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|spicy food]]?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I like- I like spicy.

'''Bob:''' What I was gonna say, uh, [[Wikipedia:Kimchi|kimchi]].

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Yeah. Go away, you know?

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Too spicy for you?

'''Bob:''' Yeah, it's too spicy for me.

'''Chris:''' [''sounding it out''] Kim-chi, hm.

'''Bob:''' But, uh, like they told me if anything that's red, forget it.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' Except your spaghetti sauce, right Dad?

'''Bob:''' They didn't have spaghetti sauce, no they watched that to me, they gave me that more bland stuff.

'''Emily:''' Oh. [''chuckles'']

'''Bob:''' I even-I-I-I even had my own special [[pedofork|fork]].

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' If it was me I can handle spicy, seriously, I can even probably even [[Pedofork|handle the kid-the kid-]] the kimchi, what he said.

'''Bob:''' That's- that's-

'''Emily:''' I can't handle spicy food that well, it upsets my stomach.

'''Chris:''' Mmm.

'''Bob:''' I like jalapeño a little bit

'''Emily:''' [chuckles]

'''Bob:''' -a little jalapeño. I love [unintelligible]

'''Emily:''' Hah, yeah.

'''Bob:''' [''something more about jalapeños, followed by silence''] Yeah, they told me anything that was red, don't pick it up.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [laughs politely]

[silence]

===Bob on World News (0:44:47–0:51:00)===

'''Bob:''' Yeah, I miss Reverend Chen, he was- he was really interested in learning about the world.

'''Emily:''' Mhm.

'''Bob:''' And he didn't have much of a chance-[''hard to hear''] and we- we'd sit there and talk, at [[McDonald's]]-

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' every morning, for 2 to 3 hours, and just go through ''[[Wikipedia:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'', page by page, you know, just learning about the world

'''Emily:''' Good. I wish I could, like, pick up the newspaper and read more. I mean I pick up, like, our [[:File:391-SchuPVCCArticle.jpg|school newspaper]] and that's about it, but I mean when it comes to world events I read some of the articles, but I mean some of them I just can't get into.

'''Bob:''' Yeah, it's a new thing on TV.

'''Emily:''' Mhm?

'''Bob:''' At least we have it here on Comcast... I don't know what you have though.

'''Emily:''' I'm not sure what-

'''Bob:''' Over there.

'''Emily:''' I'm not sure what-

'''Bob:''' But, it's a program on public television, it's really a station here, we have three different stations, [''unintelligible''] and one of them's called World News. [''says call sign''], World News.

'''Emily:''' I don't think we have that.

'''Bob:''' And, they uh-they have uh English translations of everything on it, but they have programs that originate all over the world. [unintelligible] So you see how [[Molvania|the rest of the world]] looks at [[United States of America|the U.S.]]

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' So you see what they're saying about us and what's going on over there. Half the time I find out things that are happening in the United States, that somebody in Germany or [[Molvania|Russia]] or [[China]] or in [[Anime|Japan]]-

'''Emily:''' [laughs] That's always nice.

'''Bob:''' Yeah, that's one of my my favorite stations, and they have it here. I-it's a public radio sponsored thing, but it's called World View.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' W.V.

'''Emily:''' I think my school has that, I'm not sure, I might have not never noticed or anything like that.

'''Bob:''' Well they might have it, because it's very educational.

'''Emily:''' I like watching Discovery Channel.

'''Bob:''' Yeah, I watch Discovery, and World Discovery Science, and World History, and-

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' Yeah there's lots to see on TV. In fact, uh, I can give you a tip that you can pass along. Christian thought of it. He came up with it, believe it or not. He taught himself to read.

'''Emily:''' Really?

'''Bob:''' Oh he could really read, by turning on the closed captions on the TV.

'''Emily:''' Wow, that's-

'''Bob:''' [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' That's go-that's clever!

'''Bob:''' I keep telling everybody I know including all these learning Ph.D.'s, and psychologists,

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And everybody, you know [''unintelligible''] you got a kid that's [[Autism|all wired up]], [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh?

'''Bob:''' Turn on the closed captions, [unintelligible]

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' [''unintelligible''] and they learn how to read!

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

'''Bob:'''But they won't listen to me, I'm just an 81 year old fogey!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' But he came up with-

'''Emily:''' But you know they'll come up with it and someone else will take the credit for it later on.

'''Bob:''' [''unintelligible''] I don't think it really matters, but he came up with it

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

[Bob fades into background noise]

'''Bob:''' ...I thought it was such a phenomenally good idea. [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Well he-he's got a photographic memory.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' But I think those were the [[autism]] a little bit.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' And I got an audio memory too. [''apparently they were talking about him'']

'''Bob:''' Cause he can, you ever heard of, um ''Mario World''?

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [chuckles]

'''Chris:''' [''chimes in to correct, [[Autism|sounds a bit upset]]''] He's talking about ''[[Wikipedia:Super Mario World|Super Mario World]]''.

'''Bob:''' [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Well in three days, he-he [''unintelligible stuttering''] killed [[Wikipedia:Bowser|King Koopa]]. I can't get off of ''[[Wikipedia:Yoshi's Island|Yoshi's Island]]''.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] I'm not very good at those games either. [''more laughing'']

'''Bob:''' The reason he is, is cause he can remember all those different moves.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' It's like taking a picture, [unintelligible]

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] I reckon I wanna know about that.

'''Chris:''' I'll tell you one thing, you've got pretty face. [''not a mistake'']

'''Emily:''' Aww, thank you.

'''Bob:''' She looks like [[Wikipedia:Marcie|Margie]], doesn't she?

'''Chris:''' What?

'''Bob:''' She looks like Margie.

'''Chris:''' What you mean the ''[[Peanuts]]'' character Margie?

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' You know Margie?

'''Emily:''' [''laughs again'']

'''Chris:''' Uh...no. [''cuts off Bob with more laughter from Emily''] No, I'd say if anything she uh, wait a minute I'm trying to...I'm trying to figure it out. Um...

'''Bob:''' She doesn't look like Peppermint Patty.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Chris:''' Yeah I'd say, uh, you compare when-when tied up there, you look more like, uh Rei from PGSM.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, [pause] she's one of my favorite characters.

'''Chris:''' You like [[Wikipedia:Sailor Mars|Sailor Mars]], [''lame voice''] Flame Sniper!

[pause]

'''Emily:''' Who's your favorite character?

'''Chris:''' Um, with the exception of uh Usagi and [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Chibi-Usa]]. I like, uh, Ami.

'''Emily:''' Any particular reason, like?

'''Chris:''' [chuckle] Well, I don't know it's just like you know

'''Emily:''' Cause she's smart?

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' And uh also, I think it's, I think also it's the blue hair, I'm not sure.

'''Emily:''' Do you like blue?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, blue is my favorite color, what's your favorite color?

'''Emily:''' I like [[Pickle|green]].

'''Chris:''' You like green. I guess you like Jupiter.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, sort of. [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' [''apparently doing a horrendous impression of [[Wikipedia:Sailor Jupiter|Sailor Jupiter]]''] Jupi-tahhh!

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

[pause]

'''Chris:''' [clears throat] [to Bob]You know, if you uhh, if uhh, you moved, uh, the car, you'd- you'd be all right by yourself at this point, right?

'''Bob:''' I been takin' care of myself for eighty-one years!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Aww.

'''Chris:''' I mean, it's like, uhh you know, if you, uhh, don't feel like sitting around any more, we can go, uhh, walk and talk.

'''Emily:''' I don't want to leave him by himself. I mean...

'''Chris:''' He's all right.

'''Emily:''' Will you be here at the mall very much longer, or...

'''Bob:''' I dunno.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Chris:''' Well, if he's here by the time we get back, he'll be here for that much longer.

'''Emily:''' OK...

'''Bob:''' I can stick around, but I'm slow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's slow.

'''Bob:''' I like to eat slow, [[Christopher Paul Whitney reveal|I don't gobble my food]] [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

===The Bear Band (0:51:01–0:55:23)===

'''Bob:''' -enjoy it, savor it-

'''Chris:''' You know I taste my food and savor it as well. At least my first bite.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs''] [''unintelligible''] Even faster than you!

'''Bob:''' After that it's [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah but by the way, you know it's on one of my shirts. It's on [[Chris and fashion|my favorite]] shirt, you know, the one I draw myself in often.

'''Emily:''' Oh, OK.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I felt it was appropriate for uh, being my first female [[Sonichu]] fan...

'''Emily:''' [''interrupts with a laugh''] Thank you.

'''Chris:''' ... have come a long distance.

'''Emily:''' Thank you. Anyway, where do you want to walk off to?

'''Chris:''' Uh, you know, uh, anywhere in the mall.

'''Bob:''' All those exciting things around the mall.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, doesn't look... [[Duck|it's not very big]]. [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' You're right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah I have. I wish it was two story, like Regency Square.

'''Emily:''' Where's that?

'''Chris:''' It's in Chest'field County.

'''Bob:''' No, it's not in [''???'']...

'''Emily:''' [''laughs over Bob'']

'''Bob:''' ...County. It's close [''inaudible''] It's across the river.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

{{anchor|Christopher}}
'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] ...That's that big shopping center over in north, north-west side of Richmond.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh. I've never heard of it.

[[File:BearsteinbyChris.jpg|right|thumb|Regency Square Bear Band]]

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and it has a Bear Band there... that's uh, where I got...that's where I learned about "Christian" and got my name changed from "Christopher" to "Christian."

'''Bob:''' How come none of your fans know about it?

'''Chris:''' For one I didn't share it arou- didn't talk about it very much.

'''Bob:''' When he was born... I was too chicken to name him "Christian."

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Wow.

'''Bob:''' I was too... so I named him "Christopher."

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' But I really wanted to name him "Christian."

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And so, when he was... what? Seven or eight years old...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' ...we were over at Regency Square...

'''Chris:''' Yeah I think his photo...

'''Bob:''' ...at [[Christmas]] time. And they had this automated Bear Band.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' Like... they had bear characters that were playing instruments, and one of them was conducting and singing.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And...but underneath there was this old man fella talking, and he had a camera, so he could see who he was talking to. And he [''inaudible''] talking to the Bear.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] was British...had a British accent anyway. But he was talking to Christopher. And he asked Chris-he asked uh, Chris his name. He said "Christopher," but he misunderstood.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' And he thought he said Christian.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' So he started calling him Christian.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' Over there... at the mall.

'''Emily:''' Mm.

'''Bob:''' Guess he liked that, and uh, so later we got- later we got... later we did all the paperwork.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Made it official, changed it from-from "Christopher" to "Christian."

'''Emily:''' Well at least he got the name that you wanted to give him.

'''Bob:''' Yeah, yeah I know. But...and then Christian came along with later and confided in me like he does sometimes...

'''Emily:''' [awkward laugh]

'''Bob:''' ...sometimes, that he had so much- too many [[stress|problems]] here in [[Greene County]], north of here where we live.

[loud cough, probably Chris]

'''Bob:''' It's a little small county 'n rural. Got... maybe 10,000 people in there.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' It's about ten... yeah, about ten miles up the road.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' And, uh... he had so much trouble over the school system there. They tried to put him in an institution for years. For years I fought 'em in court.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And I kept winning and winning and winning, but finally I took him to Richmond to go to school...

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' ...to get him away from...them.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And I spent seven years over there with him in a townhouse while his mother was working over here.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' But, um...anyway, he confided in me one day after we changed his name.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' He was all, "I really wanted to change my name to uh, to be a Christian as a new life in Chesterfield County...

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' We left Christopher over there with those people in Greene County.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but then here's the [unintelligible] I thought...I real-I realized, uh, later after we came back to our [[Ruckersville]] home here.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' Uh...yeah, um...after we came back I started hearing Christopher, like you know, Christopher Thorndyke from ''[[Wikipedia:Sonic X|Sonic X]]'', at least.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Chris:''' It's like... it's like- like you know...at the same time it's like th-those...it's like the past spirit of Christopher saying [''high-pitched voice''] "You should change your name!"

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' Anyway, we're still... we're still back in the same house, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] programmed... I had an interesting life...

'''Emily:''' I don't know.

===Chris's card game history (0:55:24–0:59:24)===

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] Now I can play around... [''Chris talks over him'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Well actually, uh, also you know, [''inaudible; possibly 'brace yourself for the history of how it originally started'.''] [coughs] In Chesterfield County in 1998.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' In the February [[1998|'98]] issue of ''[[Nintendo Power]]'', uh... they had the p- the had the uh, they had the Char- they had the Charmeleon Pokémon card from the first base set.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Two months...yeah, like a month or two after that, over by the [[Books-A-Million]] I signed up for the Pok... I uh, with...uh...within that time I uh learned to play the game after I picked up some cards from the deck. Then I went to the Poké- I started going to the Pokémon league over there, at the Books-a-Million.

'''Bob or possibly a bystander:''' Oh my god.

'''Chris:''' Then we moved back to Ruckersville, uh, been around, uh, went to Pokemon League over at, uh, [[Toys|Toys "R" Us]], then uh [''inaudible, sounds like "The End".'], and uh, finally over at [[The Game Place|The, uh, Game Place]].

'''Bob:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' But then they [[Banned|kicked me out]], uh, last... June of last year.

'''Emily:''' Was that at the Toys "R" Us or, uh, the End...?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, they don't...they don't do that anymore [''unintelligible''].

'''Emily:''' You could always, like, go back to those places, I mean, maybe they've...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' ...got other [[card games]] that you can play.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well [clears throat] I think why- also why one of the reasons why I decided to go back to playing ''[[Eye of Judgment]]''.

'''Emily:''' Mm.

'''Chris:''' I'm going to the online tournament that's like starting today.

'''Emily:''' Are you gonna...are you joining? Or...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it's basically all I have to do is go online and play against...

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Chris:''' ...oh... uh... against opponents like around the world.

'''Emily:''' Oh. Nothing hard. [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' You play him, you'll probably win.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah, if I get... if I get within the top 100 I win the free promo cards they're off- offering.

'''Emily:''' Uh, what do you... what do you get if you win like first place, do you know?

'''Chris:''' A title.

'''Emily:''' A title? [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Yep. A title. If I don't go-

'''Emily:''' Why don't-no money or anything like that?

'''Chris:''' No, but...

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' ...you know, at least I get the free promo cards.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' And I'd-I'd just as soon get the cards than the title, but if I get the title, then that's just plain dumb luck right?

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [laughs]

'''Bob:''' Like [[GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes|that one time]] you won what, $500 worth of stuff?

'''Chris:''' Oh yeah, I-

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Chris:''' Oh yeah, uh, four hunnerdollar gamecar- [[GameStop]] gift card from that ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' gift card.

'''Emily:''' Oh yeah! I voted for you.

'''Chris:''' Thank you.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] You're welcome.

'''Bob:''' But he won.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean I shared it with my church's congre-my church congregation.

'''Emily:''' Well what did you spend your portion... did you spend some of it on yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, I spent it on myself. I got some [[Wii]] games for myself, ''Country Music'' and ''[[RuleCWC|Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess]]''.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' Yeah, you were popular at the church.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' You gave...you gave about 10 or 15 games away, right?

'''Chris:''' Uh, no, it wasn't-it wasn't like 10 or 15, I'd say it's more like, uh, five or eight.

'''Emily:''' Five or eight.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but you know the top three, you know, the uh... three of the children over there, they uh, they requested from me, they appre-they appreciated it so much they gave me... made this little tree for me and little ah-ah-ah branches...

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' And put like the... they put like fun little ornaments, like you know, like you know twist-tie- you know, twist-ties...

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' ...and the uh... shoot, what is it?... pipe cleaner.

'''Emily:''' Mm. Oh.

'''Chris:''' [''unintelligible''] pipe cleaner, paper butterflies, pa-paper hearts and pa- uh, used paper clips...

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' ...and wrote their names on the... on the card there. It was... a nice little gesture.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' For, you know, appreciation and the fact that I was shar-

'''Emily:''' Yeah, that was very nice for you to do that and for them to thank you like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' How about sending me a copy of your publication... of your [[Sonichu Girls]]?

'''Emily:''' What was that again?

'''Bob:''' About sending me a copy.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' I might join. I guess I'd have to change my...

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' -[[Tomgirl|gender]], wouldn't I?

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' How would you feel about your dad being a Sonichu Girl?

'''Chris:''' Now...

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' He could be a... he could be an honorary Sonichu Guy.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' How about that?

'''Emily:''' Yeah, that'll work.

'''Bob:''' You gotta tell me what's going on.

'''Emily:''' You don't know what's going on.

'''Chris:''' [laughs]

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Chris:''' It's basically girl chatter amongst the four of us, right?

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

===Girls (0:59:26–1:05:21)===

'''Chris:''' I-I like to see the girls talk. I listened to girls talk a lot back in high school because I have my wide circle of [[gal-pal]]s...

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' ...between my high-school years and also my elementary-school years. And also I didn't live my young life. In my neighborhood I was pretty much the only guy in the neighborhood.

'''Emily:''' [laughs] Well then, lucky for you.

'''Chris:''' [laughs]

'''Emily:''' [[JERKS|All the other guys]] are jealous.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [''pause''] Yeah.

'''Bob:''' My favorite girl, I guess, on the TV – aside from your mother, who's not on TV – my favorite girl.

'''Chris:''' [[Wikipedia:Shirley Temple|Shirley Temple]]?

'''Bob:''' No, that was back when I was a kid [''inaudible'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but [[Pedofork|you do like Shirley Temple a lot]].

'''Bob:''' And uh, uh this is one that's on uh... MSNBC if you watch that. On the NBC Money channel.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' Name is [[Wikipedia:Erin Burnett|Erin Burnett]]. She is a smart girl. She hosts a lot of it. She's been...already been to Russia and Asia already. She must be...no more than 25? She is very smart. She impresses me, she's a really smart girl. Not a brunette, [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' I don't know about [''inaudible'']. [[Kacey|Flakey blondes]].

'''Emily:''' Do you like blondes?

'''Chris:''' I like blondes. But, you know, it's so... [[Women's rights|that's so stereotypical]]...

'''Bob:''' Yes.

'''Chris:''' ...to call 'em flakey cause they're not all flakey.

'''Bob:''' No, they're not. No way.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Chris:''' Like you know [[Pamela Anderson]] is very smart.

'''Emily:''' Yeah... [laughs]

'''Chris:''' ...just to name one at least. She wrote the book, ''Star''.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [[Wikipedia:Paris Hilton|Paris Hilton]] also wrote a book, too.

'''Chris:''' Oh.

'''Emily:''' Have you ever read that?

'''Chris:''' No I no-I haven't even heard of it.

'''Emily:''' Oh, yeah. She wrote her own book.

'''Chris:''' That's cool. [''pause''] I think Britney Spears wrote a book too, didn't she?

'''Emily:''' Yeah. [[Britney Spears]] is really smart. Even though people like, diss her blah blah blah saying, but she's pretty intelligent.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. So anyway, there you go. Three blondes, right there, that are sexified [''unintelligible'']

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Hmm... I guess that's why he would be uh, he would-it's one reason he was attracted to my mom, is she reminds him of Marcie, you know?

'''Bob:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' I guess she kind of turned him off being Marcie-ish,

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' being a Marcie type yourself. I mean...

'''Bob:''' She looked like [[Wikipedia:Elizabeth Taylor|Liz Taylor]] then.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' Everybody thought she was Liz Taylor.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. By the way, uh Emily, how old did you say you were again?

'''Emily:''' I'm nineteen.

'''Chris:''' Nineteen.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Chris:''' OK.

'''Emily:''' I started hi- I started college.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you started college as a journalist.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. Something I'd like- I don't want to really, you know, go for a degree where, you know, I won't be happy with it.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [''pause'']

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] No, you keep writing...

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' Then you look at it, and put it down for a day or two.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Then you decide [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' There's a... in my creative writing class what we do sometimes is that we write one line each day for a story, and just, every day we just write a different line, and eventually like after maybe a month or two, you know, it's supposed to be a story.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] But then, you pick it up and lay it down, you pick it up and look at it again...

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' ...and each time you little minute corrections.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' Mild corrections. But that's the way to do it. And if you don't try, you don't-you don't gain nothing [unintelligible]

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' You gotta keep trying. You know, you don't give up... who knows, some crazy bear might come along and call you "Christian."

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' [''laughs''] What?

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] silly bear might come along and call you "Christian," right?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [''pause''] No, I don't think so. I don't think a-I don't think a British bear could confuse "Emily"...

'''Emily:''' Yeah. I don't-there's no other name that really sounds like Emily.

'''Bob:''' [inaudible] there was a writer named [[Wikipedia:Emily Dickinson|Emily]].

'''Chris:''' [[Virgin with rage|Emily Dickinson]]?

'''Bob:''' Yeah, Emily Dickinson.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' I couldn't even remember...

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' [[Vivitheg's AIM chat|I just slipped]]- [[Semen|it just came up]]. That was the only Emily I could think of who was a writer at the time.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' There's probably a lot of Emilys I'm sure.

'''Bob:''' His mother keeps tellin' me- [''Chris talks over him'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' His mother keeps tellin' me I got more dibs though [''unintelligible''].

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Chris:''' Emily Julia Schifflet.

'''Emily:''' Yep.

'''Chris:''' That's her full name, Dad.

'''Bob:''' Is it Schifflet?

'''Chris''' and '''Emily''' simultaneously: Yep.

'''Bob:''' Well now I want you to know something. If you were in Greene County, they'd welcome you with open arms.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' Because Schifflet... and what's the other name up there? Uh, two- two names basically in Greene County. One of 'em's Schifflet, and... Marks, is the other one

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' And it was Marks, or Schifflet your native tongue.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' Betcha got lotsa relatives up there and don't even know it.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, I have a lot of, um, a lot of family, but I don't know most of them. I stick with my parents and maybe a few aunts.

'''Bob:''' Where do they live?

'''Emily:''' What was that again?

'''Bob:''' Well, where do your parents live?

'''Emily:''' Oh, they live up in West Virginia too. They moved up there as well.

'''Bob:''' They moved up there.

'''Emily:''' Mhm.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] wild wonderful weather.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, they don't have...they-they wanna let me go on my own, really. [''pause''] [''Chris talks over her'']

'''Chris:''' You took a big step.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' I don't trust them, either.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] we've been to a lot of parks. I keep telling him now that he's young and I'm old, and why don't he take me to [[McIntire Park|the park]]?

'''Emily:''' Oh!

'''Bob:''' He-he won't do it.

'''Emily:''' [''clears throat'']

'''Chris:''' Listen to him.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' I think it ought to be ['inaudible'']

'''Chris:''' [''high-pitched''] Do you agree with that?

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' I spent twenty-seven years of my life with you, why can't you spend twenty-seven years of your life with me?

===Basketball and a fateful trip (1:05:23–1:14:22)===

'''Chris:''' Because, [unintelligible]

'''Bob:''' I'm not gonna live that long, I know.

'''Emily:''' [awkward laugh]

'''Bob:''' [laughs]

'''Chris:''' I spend time with you, Dad. Like I spend time with you now when you [''inaudible''] wanted to meet Emily. Before uh, you know, when you leave, uh, leave-leave us alone and let us do our talking.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] go home and watch some [[Bionic|basketball]].

'''Emily:''' That's something to do right there.

'''Bob:''' Yeah. And I'll see what's goin' on...[''inaudible''] the [[Wikipedia:National Collegiate Athletic Association|NCAA]].

'''Emily:''' I don't watch a lot of sports, really.

'''Bob:''' [inaudible] You don't watch that either?

'''Emily:''' I don't really watch sports. I mean, I sometimes will with some of my friends, but I can't really get into it.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and I was actually a manager-slash-waterboy in my freshman year of Man-at [[Manchester High School]]'s varsity basketball team.

'''Emily:''' Were you good at it? Did you say you were- you played basketball?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, a little bit.

'''Emily:''' Are you good?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I'm fair.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Chris:''' But, you know I was...I-pl-...y-you know my freshman year I manager and waterboy for the varsity basketball team.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

[''P.A. system faintly in background'']

'''Bob:''' Good, cause I think I'm gonna go home.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Alright, dad, well you have a safe trip.

'''Bob:''' You can do whatever you want, I guess.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Bob:''' Whatever time Emily wants to spend with you.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, I can't stay too much longer. I have to get going back to co-

'''Bob:''' Headin' back to West Virginia tonight?

'''Emily:''' Yep.

'''Bob:''' You are, huh? What is the drive... four-hour, five-hour drive?

'''Emily:''' About five-hour drive.

'''Bob:''' I'm a little too old for that.

'''Emily:''' [''short laugh'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah, especially since I was young [''unintelligible''] the eight-hour round trip total drive.

{{anchor|Cleveland}}
'''Bob:''' He-he drove to Cleveland and back on the same day.

'''Emily:''' I...vaguely heard about that. What-what happened?

'''Bob:''' He got stupid and drove up there to try to meet [[Julie|somebody]] and they weren't there. He took off and we didn't even know about it.

'''Chris:''' No, I left them a note.

'''Emily:''' Oh, OK.

'''Bob:''' But, uh, he got up there and got back, same day. I can't imagine driving... I can't even fly to Cleveland and fly back in the same day.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Di-did you have a good drive at least? Was it...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' ...relaxing a little bit?

'''Chris:''' Yeah [''inaudible'']

'''Bob:''' Well, if you went-he went up from here over to pick up the Interstate 81, and he went up and picked up the Pennsylvania Turnpike...

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' ...and he went up and picked up the Ohio Turnpike... and locked himself out of his car.

'''Chris:''' Uh...

'''Emily:''' How did you lock yourself out of your car?

'''Chris:''' I [''inaudible''] my keys in there at the t-toll booth.

'''Emily:''' Oh? How did you get them out? You had to call like the locksmith or something?

'''Chris:''' Uh, fortunately, uh, one of the uh, people at-people over at that toll booth had [[Wikipedia:American Automobile Association|AAA]].

'''Emily:''' Oh, OK. So they were able to help you out.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] mother [''inaudible''] cross the street [''inaudible''] here he is at the Ohio state line.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' W-we didn't sleep very well that day.

'''Emily:''' I can imagine.

'''Bob:''' Finally he got home, about three o'clock in the morning, and he left at, what...

'''Chris:''' Five-thirty.

'''Bob:''' Six o-Six o'clock in the morning?

'''Chris:''' Five-thirty.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] find anybody till we came back.

'''Chris:''' Well, at least I didn't get killed.

'''Emily:''' Yeah. I think I [''inaudible'']

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] We were worried about that.

'''Emily:''' Hm-

'''Chris:''' I had money for gas and food.

'''Bob:''' He's never driven over fifty miles out of town before.

'''Chris:''' Well that was an adventure for me.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Bet that was an experience.

'''Chris:''' Yep. But I had my [[PSP]] with me to play uh, music on the trip. I had a novel with uh, long driving. Recently [''unintelligible''] paradise.

'''Bob:''' Fortunately, he was checking in with us on his cell phone, every once in a while so we could [''inaudible''] [[money]]...

'''Emily:''' Oh, so you knew he was going to O-Ohio.

'''Bob:''' He left us a note.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' ...detailed note.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' With maps and everything.

'''Chris:''' A copy of the map...

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Chris:''' ...I got from Mapquest.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] he left-you'll never believe it, when he left home he had about ten dollars in his pocket.

'''Chris:''' No, I had-I had forty.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Chris:''' I had forty dollars. I had forty dollars plus ten dollars in my pocket. Forty dollars came from my birthday money.

'''Bob:''' That wouldn't even-that wouldn't even take care of the toll [''inaudible''] turnpike.

'''Chris:''' I didn't expect that toll to be eleven dollars.

'''Bob:''' [inaudible]

'''Emily:''' Really? Eleven dollars for a toll booth?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Th-th-they give you a card at one checkpoint, then when you get to the next checkpoint, depending on the distance-depending on uh, how far it was from that checkpoint...

'''Emily:''' Oh, OK.

'''Chris:''' ...from one tollbooth to the next.

'''Bob:''' Wherever you get off, then you gotta pay.

'''Emily:''' Oh, OK.

'''Bob:''' You'd never been-never been on a toll road before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah that was a new ex-that was something new for me to learn.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' [''unintelligible''] for a toll booth with about a dollar. [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' Well you can get on and fill it out, and drive all the way to the Ohio line.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' Pittsburgh. I guess they charge you twenty, twenty-five dollars for that.

'''Emily:''' Dang.

'''Bob:''' But he got on in the middle, in a place called [[Wikipedia:Breezewood, Pennsylvania|Breezewood]].

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' You've probably heard of Breezewood. It's up there... just-just northeast of uh, West Virginia.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' And, uh, yeah and you go to Breezewood and hang a left. I thought he-I thought he was up here in the valley.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' Couple hundred miles away and then he was at the Ohio state line.

'''Emily:''' [''short laugh'']

'''Bob:''' That was some day for us. We were a little worried. Then he-then he started back. We were led to believe that he was about three hundred -about two hundred miles away.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' Turns out he was just outside of Ohio, Cleveland, when he called.

'''Emily:''' At least you were able to get back safely.

'''Chris:''' Yep.

'''Bob:''' I don't know how he did it. Three o'clock in the morning, I'd have been numb. I wouldn't have been able to.

'''Chris:''' [''laughs'']

'''Emily:''' [''inaudible''] at night.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well I got bet-I got [[Pedo-Glasses|better eyesight]] than he does.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] mine keeps going downhill, little bit at a time.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' Thing called old age and [[David Alan Chandler|glaucoma]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, plus consi-plus considering [[video games]]... training, a lot of video game time I've logged in over my lifetime.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' And uh, see going through the many types of, like, games, playing [[ModNation Racers|racing]], and RPG...

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Chris:''' ...and all, and the [[Sonichu Adventure|adventures]] and all that...

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' But it's like, it's only helpful when you have the directions from Mapquest, and uh, you can uh, find a world map of the uh, east-of the we-of the eastern coast of the United States.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Chris:''' Which is really Virginia. And uh, Ohio in the road I was- the route I was taking, it was directed from that.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Which I highlighted with a blue marker.

'''Bob:''' I have to admit, I did something just about as dumb when I was a kid.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' Oh, you did something dumb?

'''Bob:''' Yeah I did. Well, I'd already been to Korea and back. When I was in Korea, like I said, before the Korean War.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' And I'd always spent my time with the army, well I was in school.

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Bob:''' And I had a friend that was in Auburn, down in Alabama, way down there, you know.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' And um, I had a friend [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Bob:''' ...in the Army. So, [[Christmas]] break, Christmas time, right. I didn't have anywhere to go. I decided to hitchhike.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' Yeah. While I was in the Army, I spent nine months in New York anyway.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] Fort [''???''] [''inaudible''] and I'd gone up to New York City every weekend. But, for about nine months, well I knew the place like the back of my hand.

'''Emily:''' Mm-hmm.

'''Chris:''' No wonder I was risky enough to take a- I was adventurous enough to take such a trip.

'''Bob:''' Uh-

'''Chris:''' I'd been hanging around in hi- inside him while he was taking that trip!

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' Yeah, so dumb me, I thought I could hitchhike to-to [[Clyde Cash|New Jersey]]...now this was like the middle of December.

'''Chris:''' Oh.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Warm in Alabama but not in New Jersey.

'''Emily:''' [laughs]

'''Bob:''' I got there, and then I had to stay a couple weeks-

'''Chris:''' [''interrupting''] And by the way you know

'''Bob:''' -then I ran out of money-

'''Chris:''' You know that-

'''Bob:''' -and then I had to try to-

'''Chris:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Bob:''' -find-to fi-to get back to my way home.

'''Chris:''' Just to let you know, uh, went up to Cleveland, [inaudible] kind of like, uh, run down. I thought, Jersey probably looks better.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' By comparison.

'''Bob:''' I've done [[Barbara|dumb things]] too.

'''Chris:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' There you go.

'''Chris:''' He went to a bad town...he went to a bad slummy town called Jersey, I went to a bad slummy town called Cleveland.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' Well I've been to Cleveland too, I know Cleveland well.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Chris:''' I me-I me-I mean he took the stupid long trip to Jersey, I took the stupid long trip to see Cleveland.

'''Bob:''' And I was hitchhiking and you were in the car. It was different. It used to be safe to walk.

'''Emily:''' Oh.

'''Bob:''' And you can't even hitchhike places today.

'''Emily:''' Nowadays you can't do that.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' [''inaudible''] down the road.

'''Emily:''' Yeah [''unintelligible''] [''laughs'']

'''Bob:''' [laughs]

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Bob:''' Well, I'll see you later. You have a good trip.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Emily:''' Alright.

'''Bob:''' Don't go to sleep. If you get sleepy, pull over.

'''Emily:''' OK, don't worry, I will.

===A walk to remember (1:14:23–1:21:43)===

Chris and Emily awkwardly leave Bob who continues to ramble as they clomp off through the mall.

'''Bob:''' Take care.

'''Chris:''' Alright come on, Emily, let's, let's walk…

Bob babbles on about sending something.

'''Emily:''' Okay... okay, you can show me around the mall…

'''Chris:''' Okay! Here's our… heights… You… you come to just about my uh, eyeline.

'''Emily:''' [nervous tittering]

They walk quietly for a moment as Chris mutters something quietly.

'''Chris:''' [sigh] So where you li… where do you usually like to go shopping at when you're at a shopping center?

'''Emily:''' [''impatiently''] [[Rosechu|Clothes stores]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, uh, they have a number of clothing stores in, uh...

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' …a J.C. Penney and a Sears, among other places that uh, more name brands…

'''Emily:''' Yeah a lot of the stores here are, if you take a look, take a look at the prices and they're pretty expensive.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... Yeah... but, you know, they used to ha- they used to have a KB [[Toys]] here and I- that's where I got my- turns out- [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes |my thousand dollar shopping spree]] I won around the… around the Adventures- the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog…

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh.

'''Chris:''' That sweepstakes, you might remember I put something about that…

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

'''Chris:''' …you might remember that, uh, news clip…

'''Emily:''' Yeah! [[DVD|I've seen-I've seen it.]]

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

''Chris nervously takes a few steps.''

'''Chris:''' Wow... you're like… I'm sorry.

'''Emily:''' [''nervous laughter'']

'''Chris:''' I'm just kinda fascinated like… you're just like…just like a character from ''PGSM'' or somebody else came all the way from Japan- just leapt out of my television!

'''Emily:''' [nervous laughter] No I'm definitely all American.

'''Chris:''' You're all American.

'''Emily:''' I'm all American.

'''Chris:''' Okay- so it's just- it's just your eyes that are deshe- [[Chris and English|decepting]].

'''Emily:''' [shameless subject change] Yeah... so what's your favorite store here?

'''Chris:''' Yeah it's, it's- currently, since they took away the toy store- uh- either- I think it's- I would say it's mostly GameStop, but I also go to the bookstore or Sears, or even the Spencer's that's down on the other side of the mall. And they used to have an FYE here, which was a Suncoast before- before it- before they all merged and became an FYE, but then they closed that to make the next business here.

'''Emily:''' What's down the other way… cause I've been… I came down this way, but I haven't been down that way.

'''Chris:''' Okay, we'll go down that way! Alright. I hope- Hope you don't mind me sticking around your left side…

'''Emily:''' [''bravely''] Oh that's [laughs] Okay, that's fine!

'''Chris:''' [''chuckles''] [[Megan|I mean, I guess I should keep my hands to myself and behave, right?]]

'''Emily:''' Yeah, you should probably do that.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I'm just trying to be friendly.

'''Emily:''' [''nervous laughter'']

'''Chris:''' [[Megan|But, you know, not- but you know- respectful- touch you gently on the shoulder or the back-]]

'''Emily:''' [''vomitously''] Yeah…

'''Chris:''' I mean at least I'm not that guy from ''[[Anime|InuYasha]]'' that… [''chucklingly''] always tries to [[Homos|go for the bum]].

'''Emily:''' [''vomitously''] Yeah…

'''Chris:''' Heh-heh, that's funny. Always get slapped in the face, he does.

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' I forget his name, I think it's Mamoru, or something like that.

'''Emily:''' Uh... it's [[Wikipedia:List of InuYasha characters#Miroku|Miroku]].

'''Chris:''' [talking over her] Do you watch ''InuYasha''? Yeah, Miroku, that was it, you hi- you actually hit it on the head right there…

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

[''Emily awkwardly walks several steps.'']

'''Emily:''' [delaying] Is that the… food court there?

'''Chris:''' Yeah that's basically the food court.

'''Emily:''' OK...

'''Chris:''' Yeah it use- it used to have McDonald's here-

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' …soooo many years ago across from the GameStop there, back when it was called Babbage's…

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' And then between them and Suncoast was FuncoLand and Software Etc. and they all merged into a Ga- they all merged into GameStop.

'''Emily:''' Oh... never heard about that…

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I'm sh- I'm sh- I'm sure you must've at least noticed those game stores back in your youth-

'''Emily:''' Yeah... I play video games sometimes, but not very often…

'''Salesman:''' HELLO WOULD YOU LIKE HARAAGARALABHGH.

'''Emily:''' Oh, no thank you!

'''Chris:''' No thank you! Yeah... right over- see- where that PacSun, that's where PacSun used to be, where [[Anna McLerran]]-

'''Emily:''' Oh yeah... I've… I've heard of her as well…

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Emily:''' Is she still around?

'''Chris:''' No she, uh- moved to uh, Utah.

'''Emily:''' Utah…

'''Chris:''' She's a Mormon. Found that out after I met her. But we cam- but we- but we could became good friends and I gave her, uh, you know, gave her a going away/birthday party before she left for Utah…

'''Emily:''' Uh-huh!

'''Chris:''' For her twentieth birthday… and actually her- actual- and actually her friends, uh, her friends and I got together and put together the party. [''emphatically''] I k- I bought the cake.

'''Emily:''' Oh, that's nice of you… and… there was also Megan. Do you still keep in contact with her?

'''Chris:''' Yeah uh... no, not-no-n-n-not-been-touch with her for a long time.

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Chris:''' That's cause she moved to another state.

'''Emily:''' Oh... did she move to Utah too?

'''Chris:''' Uh, no, I don't think she moved to Utah, I don't even remember where she moved to.

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Chris:''' But you know, sometimes, I, uh, I [[dream]] I'm back in uh, Manchester High, you know, I get to see all my- all my old s- c- all my old friends… there.

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' Sometimes I even see [[Megan]] and [[John's Custom Gundam: Sisterly Rescue|John]] in there… John's her brother…

'''Emily:''' Oh ok...

'''Chris:''' Can you believe that, attending Manchester High like I was back then,

'''Emily:''' [small laughter]

'''Chris:''' …but yet they never went- they never been- they never been to Manchester High, neither of them. Isn't that… kinda funny?

'''Emily:''' [''slightly sarcastically''] Yeah... that is kinda funny!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... FYE was over there…

'''Emily:''' Oh... I guess it's becoming a LensCrafters?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I guess… anyway here's the Spencer's.

'''Emily:''' Oh...

'''Chris:''' If you like looking at the, uh, naughty stuff-

'''Emily:''' [quickly] No, I'm not into that.

'''Chris:''' Not yet anyway! [laughs]

'''Emily:''' [nervous laughter]

'''Chris:''' Ah, but you might. But it's mostly humorous, anyway.

'''Emily:''' Yeah... well... doesn't look like there's anything down here…

'''Chris:''' Yeah... not much… not much to look at around here… the toy stores around here are down here…

'''Emily:''' Oh... well I gotta get going soon, it's gonna be a long drive!

'''Chris:''' Long drive…

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' Well I hope, uh, you at least, uh, keep the memories, uh , we've shared…

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' Yeah I'll walk you to your car, if you want…

'''Emily:''' No, I'll probably have to go to the bathroom first… [[Women's rights|it's that time of the month]]…

'''Chris:''' Oh.

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, when you're on your, uh, period…

'''Emily:''' Yeah... [''nervous laughter'']

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you know, aside from the, uh, first time, uh, meeting, this first meeting, uh, how do you feel about me? In general…

'''Emily:''' You're a really nice guy!

'''Chris:''' Thank you…

'''Emily:''' I don't know why like, people pick on you and all that…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, they should get to know me in person…

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Chris:''' I mean I'm a gentleman, I behave… behave…

'''Emily:''' [''steering the beast''] Have you been into any of these stores over here?

===Meet the Pickle (1:21:44–1:25:29)===

'''Pickle Man:''' [inaudible] pick you up right here? Yeah, so, um, you wouldn't want to go see ''Watchmen'', would you?

'''Chris:''' Uh... no.

'''Emily:''' I haven't seen that movie.

'''Chris:''' [''shocked''] Uh... any particular reason why you're dressed up like that?

'''Pickle Man:''' Not in particular.

'''Chris:''' Come on, Emily.

'''Emily:''' What?

'''Pickle Man:''' Hey, hey, maybe the lady wants to go with me. Huh, ya want to go see ''Watchmen''? Lots of, uh...

'''Emily:''' [gloating] Why, what's wrong?

'''Chris:''' The man in the [[pickle]] suit… a- it's apparent this guy's amongst the… [[trolls]].

'''Pickle Man:''' You think…

'''Emily:''' What's a tro…

'''Pickle Man:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Passerby:''' Who are you?

'''Passerby:''' Sir… sir, what are you?

'''Pickle Man:''' I'm a pickle.

'''Passerby:''' You're a pickle! I love pickles.

'''Pickle Man:''' Yeah? Pickles are pretty cool.

'''Passerby:''' And who are you advertising with?

'''Pickle Man:''' I'm not really advertising.

'''Passerby:''' You're just dressed for fun?

'''Pickle Man:''' Just bored.

'''Chris:''' Dressed as a pickle to HAUNT ME.

'''Pickle Man:''' Excuse me? I don't even know you.

'''Passerby:''' You're just bored?

'''Pickle Man:''' Yep!

'''Chris:''' [questioningly] You don't even know me… are you sure… have you-do you have [[Internet]] access?

'''Pickle Man:''' Lots of people have Internet access.

'''Chris:''' Do you know [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]]?

'''Pickle Man:''' No, I do not.

'''Chris:''' Do you know about [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]?

'''Pickle Man:''' No, I do not. [''turning to Emily''] Want to go see ''Watchmen''?

'''Chris:''' [''stress sighs''] No, no, no, she's with-

'''Emily:''' Alright!

'''Chris:''' …she's h- she's headed over to- she's heading back to her home town.

'''Pickle Man:''' Uh, ''Watchmen'' would be pretty cool.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, it would be pretty cool!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, alright, uh...

'''Emily:''' Let's go see it!

'''Pickle Man:''' Okay, cool.

'''Emily:''' Yeah?

'''Pickle Man:''' [''to Emily as they turn to leave together''] You've probably seen ''Watchmen'' [''he refers to the novel''], haven't you?

'''Chris:''' [''answering the question meant for Emily as he is clearly left behind''] I've heard of ''Watchmen''…

'''Pickle Man:''' [''laughs at Chris'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah!

'''Chris:''' [''inaudible, but clearly saying something to the effect that he doesn't like the Pickle Man'']

'''Emily:''' [''gloating''] What's wrong with him?

'''Pickle Man:''' SOMETHING. You like pickles?

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I do not like pickles.

'''Pickle Man:''' No pickles?

'''Chris:''' And also particularly a guy in a pickle suit who tricked me on the Internet pretending that he was [[Blanca]]!

'''Emily:''' There's nothing wrong with him!

'''Pickle Man:''' Who's Blanca?

'''Chris:''' [''[[stress sigh]]s/grunts'']

'''Emily:''' There's nothing wrong with him! See, he's a nice guy.

'''Chris:''' Well, alright. [''small voiced, stressed as he moves closer to Emily'']

'''Pickle Man:''' I-I think you're making the lady a little-uncomfortable there, Chris.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sighs''] I'm sorry, Emily.

'''Emily:''' It's ok... I think I have… to go to the bathroom now…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Yeah, go change my tampon.

'''Chris:''' Oh boy. [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' [''inaudible''] …but I guess I do now.

'''Emily:''' [''attempting to brush him off''] OK, well it was nice meeting you… maybe we'll talk online or something.

'''Chris:''' Yeah well… I kinda… [''inaudible'']

'''Pickle Man:''' [''as they continue trying to walk away''] Well, we're going to go now.

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Yeah well…

'''Emily:''' I'm going to the bathroom.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, uh, either of- [''to Pickle Man''] you're not going where she's going…

'''Pickle Man:''' Uh, we're- we're leaving together.

'''Chris:''' Are you with her?

'''Pickle Man:''' Now we are. We're going to go see ''Watchmen''.

'''Chris:''' No! N- no! She's going b- you gotta go back to West Virginia, don't you.

'''Pickle Man:''' We're going to go see ''Watchmen'' first.

'''Emily:''' I'm kinda- just- gonna- ''Watchmen'' is not that long of a movie.

'''Chris:''' [''suddenly concerned for Emily''] Yeah, but you got a five-hour drive!

'''Emily:''' [''dismissively''] It'll be okay.

[footsteps]

'''Emily:''' Hmmm.

'''Pickle Man:''' Going this way?

'''Emily:''' Yeah, I gotta go to the bathroom. Tampon time.

[Pickle Man asks Chris a question]

'''Chris:''' Uhhhhhh... no.

[''The Pickle Man and Chris indistinctly carry on a short dialogue. The Pickle Man seems to be asking Chris why he is following along, and Chris replies.'']

'''Chris:''' I'm just staying close to my friends...

'''Emily:''' Alright, see ya!

===Hiding out in the bathroom (1:25:29–1:29:34)===

[''There is a long lacuna as Emily hides from Chris in the bathroom.'']

'''Passerby:''' [inaudible]...[[Chris and fashion|very fashionable looking]].

'''Emily:''' Oh, thank you!

'''Passerby:''' The mall should pay you for walking around.

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

[''Another long silence as Emily finally leaves the bathroom.'']

===A precious farewell (1:29:35–1:31:10)===

'''Pickle Man:''' So, you ready to go?

'''Emily:''' Yeah, my car's that way.

'''Pickle Man:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, her car's… Your car's [''inaudible''] didn't you?

'''Emily:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, so did I.

'''Emily:''' Oh, you did?

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Emily:''' Which Belk?

'''Chris:''' Tha- that way.

'''Emily:''' Oh... I'm over there.

'''Chris:''' Oh. [''continues walking alongside Pickle Man and Emily'']

'''Emily:''' Chris… you don't need to walk me to my car.

'''Chris:''' Okaaay.

'''Emily:''' This is… Alright.

'''Chris:''' So, you have yourself a safe trip back to uhh... West Virginia.

'''Emily:''' Oh... [''feigning cheerfulness''] okay! I might call you on Skype later.

'''Chris:''' Okay, you take care.

'''Emily:''' You too.

'''Chris:''' Hey… [''attempts to hug and kiss Emily'']

'''Emily:''' [''tries to avoid Chris''] No…N-

'''Chris:''' [''talks over Emily''] I-I was gonna kiss... just on the cheek...

'''Emily:''' [''Overlaps with Chris''] N-no... no thank you! [''nervous laughter''] No thank you.

'''Chris:''' [''gives up''] Okay.

'''Emily:''' Alright, see you.

'''Chris:''' Alright, well you take care, be safe.

'''Emily:''' Alright, you too.

[''Pickle Man and Emily walk away from Chris.'']

'''Chris:''' [yelling from a distance] HE KNOWS [[Clyde Cash|CLYDE CASH]]!

[''There is laughter from Pickle Man and Emily.'']

'''Emily:''' ['laughing''] Mission accomplished!

'''Pickle Man:''' Is he gone yet?

'''Emily:''' I don't know, let me look behind.

'''Pickle Man:''' Oh no he's leaving... I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry.

'''Emily:''' That's okay! [''inaudible''] worse than me…

'''Pickle Man:''' I'm so sorry.

'''Emily:''' That's okay.

'''Pickle Man:''' [''inaudible'']

'''Emily:''' Yeah...

'''Pickle Man:''' Okay... [''inaudible''] man in the pickle suit?

'''Emily:''' [''laughs'']

'''Pickle Man:''' [''laughing, says something about Clyde Cash'']

'''Emily:''' [''laughs''] Wait there… there's Frosty.

'''Pickle Man:''' What?

'''Emily:''' Looks like he's gone now. I'm gonna go tell him what happened.

'''Pickle Man:''' Okay.

'''Emily:''' [''presumably walking to see Frosty''] Yes! Still recording!

==External links==
* [http://www.mediafire.com/download/cp60dr0bpnwt6g6/Operation+Picklesuit+VIRGINia.wav Full audio]

[[Category:Historical Documents]]
[[Category:Trolling]]
[[Category:Eyewitness Accounts]]