CWCki - User contributions [en]

PS3

2010-09-09T05:54:44Z

Lennon:

{{taxpayermoney}}

[[Image:Sony playstation 3.jpg|thumb|A life upgrade.]]

[[Sony]] '''PlayStation 3''' (purchased 17 March [[2007]]<ref>[[PS3 History Level]]</ref> - [[The MovingFoward videos|28 August 2010]]) was [[Chris]]'s orginal "life upgrade." He wanted to win one in a contest, so he made [[Pixelated PS3|a video]] where he built one out of [[Pixelblocks]]. He would "throw out the cure for [[autism]]" for one.<ref>[[Pixelated PS3]]</ref> Chris eventually went ahead and bought one with taxpayer money from his [[monthly tugboat]], using one of his many collected credit cards. In [[August 2010]], following [[PS3#Molestations_and_other_PS3_damage|repeated PS3 abuse]], he [[PS3#Good_night.2C_sweet_prince|destroyed]] his life upgrade.

Chris's replacement '''PS3''' is his second life upgrade. Despite ceremoniously "[[The_MovingFoward_videos|MovingFoward]]" only a few days before, Chris could not live without his life upgrade and so reportedly wasted yet more of [[America]]ns' tax dollars replacing it. He was earning new trophies with it by the second week of September 2010. May the frivolous [[PSN]] spending and hacking drama continue.

==PlayStation Network==

[[Image:Etc playstation.PNG|thumb|Confirmation emails, a testament to Chris' financial responsibility.]]

[[Chris]], being as irresponsible with [[Chris and money|money]] as he is, went into overdrive with this feature of the PS3's [[online]] capabilities. Chris has spent so much on the PSN it has contributed into most of the $2000 of his credit card debt (as of the [[Julie]] saga in early 2009). At present, that number is higher, at a little over a third of Chris's [[Monthly tugboat|annual income]].

You might ask yourself how he could spend that much and what he could spend it on. Chris seemingly buys everything possible, from game content to movies to several episodes of terrible harem [[anime]]. A list of Chris's PSN purchases reveals that he has even bought upgrades to games he doesn't even own.

Chris has spent at least '''$3405.22''' in YOUR [[Monthly tugboat|taxpayer dollars]].

=== Spending history ===

The following table chronicles Chris's deposits into his PlayStation Network "wallet" between April 2007 and February 2010, the period for which detailed records of his transactions are available (thanks to the work of expert hackers).

Some interesting patterns can be spotted in his spending habits. He was relatively thrifty for most of 2007 and into early 2008, when he still had a few other outlets for entertaining himself outside his home. There's a sharp spike around the time of his first ban from [[The GAMe PLACe]], though (and he might also have been binging to get over his "breakup" with Megan Schroeder, which happened that same spring). Likewise, it's perhaps not a coincidence that after Chris was permanently booted from the PLACe in the summer of 2008, he began spending a good deal more money on the PSN.

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! '''Month
! '''Amount
! '''Month
! '''Amount
! '''Month
! '''Amount
! '''Month
! '''Amount
! '''Month
! '''Amount
|-
| February 2010
| '''$130.00
| July 2009
| '''$80.00
| December 2008
| '''$150.00
| May 2008
| '''$90.00
| October 2007
| '''$55.00
|-
| January 2010
| '''$90.00
| June 2009
| '''$170.00
| November 2008
| '''$110.00
| April 2008
| '''$16.02
| September 2007
| '''$35.00
|-
| December 2009
| '''$234.29
| May 2009
| '''$135.00
| October 2008
| '''$90.07
| March 2008
| '''$20.00
| August 2007
| '''$65.00
|-
| November 2009
| '''$215.00
| April 2009
| '''$225.00
| September 2008
| '''$90.00
| February 2008
| '''$20.00
| July 2007
| '''$25.00
|-
| October 2009
| '''$268.41
| March 2009
| '''$210.00
| August 2008
| '''$85.00
| January 2008
| '''$75.00
| June 2007
| '''$10.00
|-
| September 2009
| '''$132.36
| February 2009
| '''$125.00
| July 2008
| '''$120.00
| December 2007
| '''$25.00
| May 2007
| '''$35.00
|-
| August 2009
| '''$50.00
| January 2009
| '''$90.00
| June 2008
| '''$30.00
| November 2007
| '''$30.00
| April 2007
| '''$25.00
|}

=== Trophies ===

According to the [http://profiles.us.playstation.com/playstation/psn/profiles/Sonichu PSN profile for Sonichu], as of 8 September 2010, Chris has 1118 trophies. ''Note: Availability of Sonichu's trophy information is dependent on the proper functioning of the PlayStation Network. Information is not updated in real time.''

The games where he had over 50% progress so far include:

{| class="wikitable sortable"
|-
!align="left"|Game
!align="left"|Trophies
!align="left"|Progress
!align="left"|Comments
|-
| ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]''
| 70
| 100%
| And he still can't coordinate his jumps, or design a good level.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:InFamous|inFamous]]''
| 50
| 100%
| A man dressed in yellow that shoots electricity? [[Sonichu|Hmmmmm...]]
|-
|''[[God of War]] III''
|36
|100%
|All that blood and gore couldn't stop Chris from grabbing all the trophies and deity boobies.
|-
|''God of War II''
|35
|100%
| From the God of War Collection.
|-
| ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic]]'s Ultimate Genesis Collection''
| 35
| 100%
| Another case of redundancy for most of the included games, especially the Sonic ones.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Linger In Shadows|Linger In Shadows]]''
| 16
| 100%
| Apparently, a demoscene production. ''Not'' remarkable. Most people already had 1000 gamerscore in ''[[wikipedia:Second Reality|Second Reality]]''. In 1993.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Flower_(video_game)|Flower]]''
| 14
| 100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Sam_%26_Max:_The_Devil%27s_Playhouse|Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse]] - Episode 1: The Penal Zone''
| 13
| 100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Wheel_of_Fortune_(video_game)|Wheel of Fortune]]''
| 13
| 100%
| Truly, the apex of hi-def gaming.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Gunstar_Heroes|Gunstar Heroes]]''
| 12
| 100%
| Chris may have got 100% in Gunstar Heroes, but IRL he's a total zero.
|-
|''Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 2: The Tomb of Sammun Mak
|12
|100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Buzz!|Buzz!]] Junior: Monsters''
| 11
| 100%
| "Junior" says it all.
|-
| ''Buzz! Junior: RoboJam''
| 11
| 100%
|
|-
|''Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 4: Beyond the Alley of the Dolls
|11
|100%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:.detuned|.detuned]]''
| 10
| 100%
| Another demoscene production. Again, we'd allege that Chris wouldn't get too far in Farbrausch's more famous interactive entertainment prod ''.kkrieger'' - not to even mention the largely .famous ''.the .product'', dammit!
|-
| ''Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse - Episode 3: They Stole Max's Brain
| 10
| 100%
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Mainichi Issho|Mainichi Issho]]''
| 7
| 100%
| A Japan-only release. Apparently just like ''[[Animal Crossing]]'', only more boring and even bigger of a grindfest.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Frogger_Returns|Frogger Returns]]''
| 4
| 100%
| ''One hundred percen—!'' ...Oh, it's four trophies for four levels.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Burnout_Paradise|Burnout Paradise]]''
| 93
| 91%
| It has cars. They can be driven. Chris thinks this game is up there among greatest games ever made, with likes of ''The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time''.<ref>[[Brutal Legend Plus]]</ref>
|-
| ''[[ModNation Racers]]''
|46
|91%
|A driving game that chris is terrible at. The levels that Chris have made so far are simply bad. In 500 online races Chris has only won 100; that shows Chris's skills.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Braid_(video_game)|Braid]]''
| 11
| 89%
| A game about a man who alters [[Time Void|time]] to rescue his [[sweetheart]]. Note that the end of the game reveals the main character to be [[Christian Weston Chandler|a stalker]]. It is, however, worth noting that Braid is a puzzle game, and not a simple one to play either, yet he still fully completed the game. This is perhaps the most definite proof that Chris isn't mentally retarded (or, at least, he knows how to use GameFAQs).
|-
|''God of War''
|33
|82%
| Most of the trophies are simply earned by progressing through the game normally. The trophies he lacks are the ones that require you to complete actual challenges or completing the game in under 5 hours.
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Heavy_rain|Heavy Rain]]''
| 53
| 80%
|
|-
| ''The Price Is Right''
|11
|76%
| Another real [[sonichu|masterpiece]] of hi-def gaming
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Sonic_unleashed|Sonic Unleashed]]''
| 37
| 75%
| Due to the trophy data not visible to the public and people reporting hearsay as fact, a lot of people were under assumption that Chris had 100% of the trophies in ''Sonic 2006'' (which doesn't even have trophies). Now, we're equally perplexed by the fact that Chris has ''only'' 75% of trophies in a bona-fide 3D Sonic title.
|-
| ''[[Brutal Legend Plus|Brütal Legend]]''
| 46
| 74%
| \m/ [[Britney Spears]]! \m/
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Penny_Arcade_Adventures|Penny Arcade Adventures]]: OtRSPoD, Episode One''
| 11
| 71%
|
|-
| ''Penny Arcade Adventures: OtRSPoD, Episode Two''
| 11
| 71%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Noby_Noby_Boy|Noby Noby Boy]]''
| 9
| 71%
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Numblast|NUMBLAST]]''
|10
|71%
|NUMBLAST is a [[homos|colorful]] Japanese puzzle game
|-
| ''Buzz!: Quiz TV''
| 16
| 61%
| The first of the ''Buzz!'' games to appear on PS3. See also Chris's [[Quizzes]] for his MyBUZZ! stuff.
|-
| ''[[Emily_Date_Conversation_Transcript#Meet_the_Pickle_.2801:21:44_-_01:25:29.29|Watchmen]]''
| 8
| 57%
|
|-
| ''[[wikipedia:Uno_(video_game)|UNO]]''
| 10
| 52%
| Seriously?
|}

Comparing to the [[List of Chris's games|list of games he owns]], there was a bunch of them that he hadn't even booted up a single time. There are some games he had touched maybe once and then left to the wayside; for example, all of his ''BioShock'' trophies are from the beginning of the game, and he received all of them on October 23, 2008, over a couple of hours. (The logical conclusion is that the second level of ''BioShock'' will ''blow your mind.'') In public, he also prominently featured games he never really played; the [[PS3 History Level]] shows many games that he touched only a few times (''Mirror's Edge'' and ''BioShock'', for example, currently sit at 11% and 9% respectively), and in [[PS3 Tutorial for my fans|the PS3 tutorial]], Chris says he thinks ''PAIN'' is a "fun" game, yet he let it sit at 0%.

=== Hacking ===

As a result of his online notoriety, his poor choice of passwords, and his innate gullibility, Chris’s PlayStation Network account was hacked or otherwise wrested from his control on multiple occasions. [[BlueSpike]], in his guise as Chris’s sweetheart [[Julie]], was able to convince Chris to break the first fundamental rule of cybersecurity and "share" his password in [[BlueSpike_PSN_Chat_3|February 2009]], which was later used as a wedge to control and torment Chris. That summer, [[Jack Thaddeus]] seized the account, resulting in the infamous [[Chris humps his PS3|eight minutes of console sex]] and detailed revelations concerning Chris’s insane online spending habits.

Chris managed to keep control of his accounts for a surprisingly long time after his run-in with Thaddeus, but his luck ran out on 24 [[February 2010]], thanks to [[Surfshack Tito|a certain <s>nigger</s> Hawaiian]].

==Fanboyism==
<center>{{#ev:youtube|ws9MqtHzcz4}}</center>

{{quote|So… good reason to get a PlayStation 3 system… of at least 60 GB or higher! 'Cause, uh, y'know, they have four USB ports, the memory card slots, and able to access the Internet wirelessly. While 40 GB and lower: two USB ports, no memory card slots, and requires an Ethernet cable to connect to the Internet. And… LittleBigPlanet! And as you all know from my sponsorship video, ev— most of the videos I put up on YouTube were spon— were sponsored by Sony, and their PlayStation Eye, and their PlayStation 3.|[[Chris Chan Update 13 October 2008|Chris failing to tell us what the "good reason" is]]}}
{{quote|And yet, at the beginning, during the "Console War", I feel that I have chosen Truly Wise. Sony has truly helped this soul better his life, and many others as well. And with every new update, the PS3 and PSP grow more and more better alongside me. Playstaion isn't just a Station to Play, it's the station to Play and Truly Enrich Yourself. Higher Definition equals Better Points of View. Talking over the internet from a sancturious comfort is truly an enriching luxury. Now I have put behind me my regrets of Life without Playstation. And with Priceless Experiences, an honest sense of satisfaction. And a more mature winning attitude. Sony's Playstation 3 and Playstation Portable are Truly a place I can call... My Digital HOME. :D Happy Anniversary, Playstation 3; you are Truly the Best Life Upgrade Ever|Chris, fellating the faceless angel of overpriced electronics in [[PS3 History Level]] speech bubbles}}

[[Image:Playstation Patrol W CWC's Car.JPG|thumb|right|[[Son-Chu]] camped outside a Playstation Cave]]
Chris pops giant boners for PS3. He makes trolls on /v/ look like mild enthusiasts with his hatred of the [[Hex Bawx]].

==Molestations and other PS3 damage==

On 24 [[July 2009]], a video of [[Chris humps his PS3|Chris humping his PS3]] was leaked. It is generally believed that physically molesting electronics may often shorten their lifespan; hard drives and optical drives are particularly prone to breaking under such physical [[stress]].

On 5 [[May 2010]], Chris [[I Pimp My Ride|posted a video]] in which he bragged about removing a "bug" from his PS3, thanks to a [[white knight]] who tipped him off. While Chris did apparently understand that the component was actually the system's wireless networking antenna, he removed it anyway. It seems to have had no effect on his ability connect his PS3 to the internet, indicating that he either uses a wired ethernet connection or he realized how fucked he was and put it back in place. In any case, he voided his console's warranty... just as planned.

On 27 [[August 2010]], Chris [[Stardate, August 27, 2010|posted a solemn video]] where he explains how he inadvertently formatted his own PS3, erasing over 3 years of his life. Through repeated abuse (see above), Chris's PS3 was misbehaving, prompting him to contact [[Sony]] tech support. They apparently guided him through an attempt to fix corrupted files on the PS3's hard drive, but fortunately this did not go to plan and Chris was given a choice to reformat his drive, which he accepted.

In the video, Chris blamed a "misunderstanding" between him and the support representative as the reason why he ended up formatting his drive, but it's more likely that Chris [[Autism|wasn't even listening]] to the things the representative was saying, being more concerned with being able to use his life upgrade again as soon as possible. This dubious series of events was disputed by CWC experts, who suspect that Chris may not have been his [[List of Chris's lies|TRUE and HONEST self]]. However, his PSN account activity suggested he had indeed deleted fucking everything.

==Good night, sweet prince==

[[File:Cameragroup004.jpg|thumb|Trivia: Chris still keeps VHS tapes in the clutter of his [[room]]]]

On 29 August 2010, trolls obtained [[The MovingFoward videos]] where Chris finally put the nail in his life upgrade's coffin by beating it up with an edging stone and then running it over with his [[car]]. In the third video, Chris claimed to have tested his PS3 and confirmed it no longer started up but still "went into standby mode". He then used some scissors to repeatedly stab the console's remains. Trolls also obtained [[The_MovingFoward_videos#Destruction_Gallery|photographs of the console]] in various states of destruction.

The next day, [[ItIsFinished.MOV|another video]] appeared wherein Chris took the crushed, stabbed, and disassembled parts of his PS3, laid them out in his driveway, and ran them over with his car yet again (repeatedly) for good measure.

It was revealed [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails|through a series of e-mails]] that Chris had destroyed his beloved Life Upgrade in an attempt to cash in on a troll reward. However, to the surprise of none, he didn't think through this idea more, destroying nearly $5000 dollars in his greed.

== The Rebirth ==

As of September 6th, 2010, only ''days'' after killing his life upgrade, it was resurrected, [[monthly tugboat|with your help]]. Chris had claimed in his Tito and Clyde emails that he would never buy another PS3, probably an attempt to convince the two. Little does Chris know, as he thinks he is the puppet master, yet the trolls are the ones pulling his strings.

==Other oddities==

Chris appears to have put at least some of the games he has bought in blue Blu-Ray cases instead of keeping them in original retail cases.<ref>Seen, for example, in [[Brutal Legend]].</ref> He even does so in ''[[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles]]'' advertisement. This peculiar practice is explained in Chris's [[PS3 History Level]]: Chris buys Blu-Ray game cases from eBay and switches them over because "It's THINNER than the Clear Original PS3 Disc Cases; MORE SHELF SPACE for MORE GAMES."

==See also==
*[[Chris-chan Discusses...]] - a video interview with Chris conducted over the PS3's video chat service.
*[[List of Chris's games]] - detailing his entire game collection.
*[[List of Chris's PSN video downloads]]
*[[List of Chris's PSN game downloads]]
*[[Pixelated PS3]] - Chris attempt to build one from [[Lego]] and [[Pixelblocks]].
*[[PS3 History Level]]
*[[PSEye]]
*[[PSP]]
*[[PSN Blogs]] - an archive of Chris's posts.
*[[Sonichu Home Club]] - because Chris loves Sony so much, he uses their ''Second Life'' ripoff.
*[[Sony]]
*[[Hex Bawx|Xbox 360]] - the Kryptonite of Chris's video gaming.
*[[ItIsFinished.MOV]] - GAME OVER.

==Sauces==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3WQ3QiJMWU Boyfriend-Free PS3]

[[Category:Things Chris has had Sex with]]
[[Category:Video Games]]
[[Category:Sony]]
[[Category:PS3]]

Chris and the Internet

2010-06-02T19:01:43Z

Lennon:

Chris has been on the '''Internet''' mostly to complain about shit.

Some examples of his bitching:

http://forums.littlebigworkshop.com/t5/PS3-Workshop/Complaints-on-the-Sonic-the-Hedgehog-and-Werehog-Costumes/m-p/239893;jsessionid=C15F46579256D040386028A0EAB09412

http://share.blog.us.playstation.com/ideas/2010/03/17/bring-on-the-past-code-only-items-please/

==Understanding==

Chris seems to be aware that the internet is a place where, once you put something up, anyone with access to a computer could see it. However, due to a combination of his ego and his general inability to understand others, Chris has come to the conclusion that if he puts anything on the Internet, everyone ''will'' see it. Chris has in the past attempted to address videos to specific people--most telling is his May 8th rant, which was addressed to anyone who served on the Green County School Board in the early 1990's.

Despite this, Chris doesn't seem to realise that giving one's real address and telephone number out on the Internet is generally a bad idea, especially when one is being trolled relentlessly by [[CWCki|people obsessed with one's every move]]. He also doesn't seem to realise that dropping [[The Wallflower|other people's dox]] is also a bad idea.

==Forums and Bans==

As with many places in real life, Chris has found himself banned from the few places he frequents online.

Chris does not normally participate in forum discussions, either due to a dislike of reading or simple egotism. When he does, he always signs his message — be it a comment on Youtube, a rant on the [[Adult Swim]] boards, or a complaint about something in LBP. He never follows up on these posts either, nor does he read the comments left by other users.

The irony is that Internet forums are havens for socially retarded, thirtysomething manchildren who still live with Mommy and Daddy. By simply choosing a handle that has nothing to do with Sonichu, and participating even a little in forum discussions, Chris could shed (for a while) his lolcow status and form online friendships with other sad bastards like himself.

Due to his relative inactivity concerning internet forums, he's banned from fewer places online than expected. He was banned from [[DeviantArt]] in the summer of 2009 for posting the uncensored version of Sonichu 9 without an [[Honest_content|NSFW]] tag, though he doesn't understand why--comments left on his talk page suggest that he is under the impression that his DA account simply vanished into cyberspace for no reason. As well, despite bouncing from one account to the next, Chris has only been [[The July 10th Messages|banned once]] from [[YouTube]]. However, unlike DA, Chris has constantly made new accounts after one was taken down.

== Attempts to leave the Internet ==

As the saying goes, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. However, in Chris's case, he takes this and butchers it - when [[trolls]] descend on him and [[Stress|torture]] him, he ups and leaves. For many trolls, this would be a great victory. However, Chris just can't stand to get away from the Internet.

His [[Youtube Finale|first attempt]] to abandon the Internet was in the aftermath of the [[Julie]] incident; tired of [[Clyde Cash]]'s trolling, Chris proclaimed that he was leaving the Internet. Instead of doing that, he disappeared for all of two weeks, before creating a new account on YouTube. His [[03212010 C-Ya Later.MOV|second]], [[100 2188|third]], and [[100 2189|fourth attempts]] all seemed to have been directed by an [[Rocky Shoemaker|outside force]]. Of course, Chris being Chris, he never made good on his word to stay off the internet. After he made his second announcement of leaving the internet, he made a rant about the Cleveland Show a mere ''36 hours later''. He also made his fourth announcement of leaving the internet just four days after making his third announcement.
On May 31, 2010, Chris made his fifth threat to leave the internet, saying that the [[Fail|trolls have scared him from the internet, that he is literally afraid of the internet]]. Needless to say, he will probably be back in a few days. The strange thing about this attempt is that there was no major [[Trolls|troll]] or [[Saga]] going on at the time. This also once again shows that Chris is a pathetic [[Lies|liar]], as he normally brags about being [[Chris and his Ego|brave and unstoppable]].

What Chris doesn't seem to realize is that the [[PS3#Playstation_Network|PSN]] that he [[Chris_humps_his_PS3|loves]] [[List_of_Chris%27s_PSN_video_downloads|so]] [[List_of_Chris%27s_PSN_game_downloads|dearly]] is technically part of the internet, as it consists of a network of computers all interconnected with each other. So when he says that he will be leaving the internet, he is clearly [[Chris and hypocrisy|full of shit]], as he just hops right onto his PSN.

{{Chris and}}
{{The Internet}}
[[Category:Chris-chan]]

05142010

2010-05-17T04:24:42Z

Lennon:

{{Rename}}

'''05142010''' is a 15 [[May 2010]] video where [[Chris]] bores his [[fanbase]] by discussing the [[death]] of a girl who was [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/05/sports/05lacrosse.html murdered by her boyfriend] after [[Matthew_5_27,_CWC_Confessions|cheating]] on him. The girl in question attended the [[University of Virginia]] located in [[Charlottesville]], which seems to be the only reason why Chris knows or cares about her.

In the past, Chris has stated that he's willfully ignorant of current events (in one of his [[IRC (22 December 2008)|IRC fan chats]], he explained that he hates "bad news") and hearing him discuss something of national interest is a rarity. After this, he goes on to blame the [[trolls]] and [[autism]] for his problems with females.

In this video, a new shirt emerges which seems to say "I got what I deserve." However the last word is partially illegible due to it being stuck between his ever-expanding rolls of stomach [[obesity|fat]] and his man tits.

Also of note in this video is the shocking realization that "women will not fall into [his] lap"-- an event which he has counted on happening for years. Confirmation that Chris is getting outside help? <s>Maybe.</s> Probably not.

==Video==

{{Infobox/video
| name = 05142010
| video = {{#ev:youtube|IThZIRAMNbc}}
| stardate = 15 [[May 2010]]
| subject = {{Autism|Life}}
| style = {{Tragedy|text}}
| shirt = {{PityShirt|text}}
| previous = [[100_2178]]
| next = Current
}}

==Transcript==

[''A loud fan is humming in the background.'']

[[Captain's log]], the 14th of, uh May, 2010. [''adjusts his glasses''] I would like to take this, uh, brief moment to... talk about, uh, a loca- local... recent events. Like, uh, yeah, I understand... recen- I understand recently that there was a girl who was, uh, murdered at UVA by her ex-boyfriend. She was on the lacrosse team. [''glasses removal''] It was very sad... for a- for a woman. He just kicked the door in and [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|banged her head against the wall]], and totally ruined her right side and- right side of her head. She died from that.

And then she- and then he [[Chris and English|tooked]] her computer, 'cause apparently there was some... there was an email on there that he sent her. And he didn't want that to get out. Sure it got out by now. [''pause''] That's very sad. I h- and I, uh, hope that- I hope that, if they haven't done so already, that the lacrosse team for UV- for UVA... wins, in memory of that- in memory of that girl.

And yeah, it was not an accident. He- as, as so that the, uh, dude claims to say as it was. 'Cause if he had not- if he had no intention of killing her, he would- he would not have banged her against the wall. No accident. He should get a whole- he should get [[Chris and the Law|like 20 years in jail. That's what he deserves for that.]] He deserves jail time and hard time... banging rocks, making license plates. So he can repay... [[Monthly tugboat|debt to society]] for... the ''shock'' from this girl's murder.

And also, uh... yeah, uh, also the other events around the world, uh... yeah, slip my mind right now, but... I am- well, I do watch the news. And, uh, when I have a thought about a recent event I feel is of, uh... good tal- of, uh, worth my talkin' about, then I will. I will record it, and I will... talk about it.

And also, yeah. [[Autism]] another- a little mention about that from my point of view. Uh, ap- apparently, uh, not- not just- uh, the fact that we are unable to soc- unable to socialize... but at least from my point of view, uh... in a crowded- in a crowded event or section, very crowded, where it's not easy for me to [[Chris and his ego|get much attention]]... I- I just wa- I just likely tend to freeze up vocally. I, uh, I can pretty much, uh, do body language fair enough, but it's like... can't get a word out... of my throat. Even, not even so much as a hello.

[''puts his fist to his forehead, apparently [[stress]]ed'']

[[Lie|I am not a bad man]]. I am not- have no... [[Chris and rape|intention]]- uh, anything [[Chris and anger|negative]] of [[Death threats|that sort]]. I'm just ver- I'm just... damn [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shy]] from the autism. Freezing me up. And I am working on that. I just... need he- I just need help from... my-- I just need help from my fr- from my [[Megan|''real'' friends]], [[Clyde Cash|real people]]... 'Cause I can't just expect... women that fall into my lap like that. I mean, if was that easy, then- if it was that easy, then... at this point, especially over the Internet... [[Blanca|Definitely]] [[PandaHalo|be]] [[Julie|an]] [[Ivy|action]] [[Kacey|of]] [[Vanessa Hudgens|a]] [[Sydney Contacts|troll]], so... I can tell- I can tell the difference right there.

Made me [[Virginia is for Virgins|paranoid]]... you did... damn trolls.

[''puts his glasses back on''] Leave you all with that for today, and, uhh... wait 'til another day when I have another thought about recent events. [''flashes the victory sign, then reaches to turn off the camera''] Have a good day.

==References==
<references />

{{-}}
{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[100 2178]]|nextlink=Current}}
{{Captain's Log}}
[[Category:Captain's log entries| 2010-05-15]]
[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Template:Relics of Fail

2010-04-24T00:25:49Z

Lennon:

{| id="toc" width="70%" style="text-align:left; clear:both;" align=center
|- style="background:#eedd00" align="center" width="95%"
| '''[[Relics of Fail]]'''
|-
| style="font-size:11px" |

'''Major Relics:'''
[[Amnyfest Ring]] |
[[Attraction Sign]] |
[[Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :)|"CWC on TV" DVD]] |
[[Gitar of Fail]] |
[[Medallions of Fail]] |
[[PSEye]] |
[[Scrapbook of Fail]]

'''Minor Relics:'''
[[Hand-drawn Nintendo Power magazine|Hand-drawn Nintendo Power]] |
[[Heart Torch of Fail]] |
[[Pedo-Glasses]] |
[[PSP of Fail]] |
[[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail]] |
[[Son-Chu]] |
[[Muscle bra]]

'''Lesser Relics:'''
[[Belt Buckle of Fail]] |
[[Clown Doll]] |
[[Li'l Chris]] |
[[Megatron pistol]] |
[[Plush Breasts|Plush Boobs of Fail]] |
[[Wii Remote of Fail]] |
[[Pocket knife]]

'''Shrines of Fail:'''
[[The Wall of Originals]] ([[List of cards from The Wall of Originals|List]]) |
[[Megan Shrine|The Megan Shrine]]

'''The Holy Fails:'''
[[Autism papers|Autism Papers]] |
[[Honor Roll|Transcripts and report cards]]

|}

<noinclude>[[Category: Templates]]</noinclude>

Template:Relics of Fail

2010-04-24T00:22:37Z

Lennon:

{| id="toc" width="70%" style="text-align:left; clear:both;" align=center
|- style="background:#eedd00" align="center" width="95%"
| '''[[Relics of Fail]]'''
|-
| style="font-size:11px" |

'''Major Relics:'''
[[Amnyfest Ring]] |
[[Attraction Sign]] |
[[Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :)|"CWC on TV" DVD]] |
[[Gitar of Fail]] |
[[Medallions of Fail]] |
[[PSEye]] |
[[Scrapbook of Fail]]

'''Minor Relics:'''
[[Hand-drawn Nintendo Power magazine|Hand-drawn Nintendo Power]] |
[[Heart Torch of Fail]] |
[[Pedo-Glasses]] |
[[PSP of Fail]] |
[[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail]] |
[[Son-Chu]]
[[Muscle Bra]]

'''Lesser Relics:'''
[[Belt Buckle of Fail]] |
[[Clown Doll]] |
[[Li'l Chris]] |
[[Megatron pistol]] |
[[Plush Breasts|Plush Boobs of Fail]] |
[[Wii Remote of Fail]] |
[[Pocket knife]]

'''Shrines of Fail:'''
[[The Wall of Originals]] ([[List of cards from The Wall of Originals|List]]) |
[[Megan Shrine|The Megan Shrine]]

'''The Holy Fails:'''
[[Autism papers|Autism Papers]] |
[[Honor Roll|Transcripts and report cards]]

|}

<noinclude>[[Category: Templates]]</noinclude>

Relics of Fail

2010-04-24T00:06:48Z

Lennon:

{{protip|Have you "discovered" a new Relic of Fail? Cool, just see if it's considered a relic under the [[Talk:Relics of Fail#A Taxonomy of Fail|the Taxonomy of Fail]].}}
The '''Relics of Fail''' are several items that Chris places significant emotional value on. These are the Relics of Fail.

==The Major Relics==
*[[Amnyfest Ring]]: Since the Sonichu medallions were stolen, Chris has claimed this [[autistic|mysteriously]]-named high school ring is the TRUE source of his power.
*[[Attraction Sign]]: A relic of days past when Chris had not yet been told by his mother that soliciting using a sign made him look retarded.
*[[Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :)|"CWC on TV" DVD]]: A DVD composed of many home videos, among other things such as his [[Song of Christian]].
*[[Gitar of Fail|Gitar]]: Apparently convinced this counts as a real guitar, Chris is often seen with his beloved [[Guitar Hero]] controller in attempts to look cool. It frequently has the opposite effect.
*[[Medallions of Fail|Medallions]]: Hunks of Crayola-brand modeling clay fashioned into the shape of Sonichu's head, among other characters' heads. Once believed by trolls to be the source of his power, they were swiftly corrected, and now Chris shows off his Amnyfest Ring to show that his videos are true and honest.
*[[PSEye]]: The window through which trolls can catch glimpses of Chris and his day to day life.
*[[Scrapbook of Fail|Scrapbook]]: A three-ring binder containing all of Chris's comic pages and other drawings.

==The Minor Relics==
*[[Hand-drawn Nintendo Power magazine|Hand-drawn Nintendo Power]]: A lengthy issue of ''Nintendo Power'', customized to show Sonic ditching Sega to join Nintendo and revealing a little bit of what Chris wants in a Sonichu game.
*[[Heart Torch of Fail|Heart Torch]]: An odd-looking creation, though more original than most of his works, born of Pixelblocks. It is used in the comics to summon his twin sister, Crystal.
*[[Pedo-Glasses]]: Have you ever noticed how pedophiles and rapists in composite sketches wear these kinds of glasses? Yeah. Don't think too hard about that.
*[[PSP of Fail|PSP]]: Yet another vessel for Chris's video game obsession. Chris, in typical Chris fashion, has decorated it with images of his flagship character and his own face.
*[[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon Poster]]: One of many things Chris presumably masturbates to in order to keep himself heterosexual.
*[[Son-Chu]]: Chris's car. Also apparently a Transformer.
*[[Muscle bra]]: Actually, just a sports bra, which Chris sadly wears, thinking that everyone will be turned [[Homos|gay]] if they don't wear one, too. [[Fail|In reality, the opposite might occur.]]

==The Lesser Relics==
*[[Belt Buckle of Fail|Belt Buckle]]: Not a very well-known relic but nonetheless extremely amusing.
*[[Clown Doll]]: A harmless-looking clown doll, significant in that it often bears the brunt of Chris's fury in his many rage videos.
*[[Li'l Chris]]: A stuffed bear—not, in fact, Chris's [[duck]].
*[[Megatron pistol]]: A toy handgun Chris uses to [[Death threats|threaten]] his most hated [[trolls|foes]].
*[[Plush Breasts|Plush Boobs of Fail]]: A pair of fake breasts often seen in his videos, possibly used as a sign of heterosexual virility and as a [[mass debating]] tool.
*[[Wii Remote of Fail|Wii Remote]]: Like the PSP and Guitar Hero controller, this poor Wiimote has been decked out in Sonichu colors and was used in Chris's attempts to get [[Miyamoto]] to make him a video game.
*[[Pocket knife]]: A knife that Chris can't handle at all.

==The Shrines of Fail==
*[[The Wall of Originals]]: A monument to the wastes of time known as Chris's original Pokemon cards.
*[[Megan Shrine]]: Chris's display of his disturbing obsession with the one [[Megan|girl]] he thought he truly had a chance at. Spoiler alert: he never had a chance and never will.

==Artwork of Fail==
*[[Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail]]: Even the simple task of drawing a straight line to depict a drinking straw evades Mr. Weston Chandler.

==The Holy Fails==
{{protip|Procure one of these and upload them to CWCki and you will be a fucking God amongst men.}}
While not traditional relics in such that Chris has emotional value, per say, these are Chris related relics that are of immense value to trolls but, like the fabled Holy Grail, seem impossible to obtain.

*[[Autism papers]] - presumably papers detailing Chris's exact psychological diagnosis. While a psychiatric survey from [[2004]] has been procured, the original papers documenting Chris's diagnosis are currently locked away in a filing cabinet in [[Bob Chandler|Bob's]] room.

*'''Transcripts and report cards''' - Chris's transcripts and report cards, to verify whether if he was indeed on [[honor roll]] and to what degree his claims about his high school grades are true.

{{Relics of Fail}}

[[Category:Relics of Fail]]

Relics of Fail

2010-04-24T00:01:02Z

Lennon: /* The Lesser Relics */

{{protip|Have you "discovered" a new Relic of Fail? Cool, just see if it's considered a relic under the [[Talk:Relics of Fail#A Taxonomy of Fail|the Taxonomy of Fail]].}}
The '''Relics of Fail''' are several items that Chris places significant emotional value on. These are the Relics of Fail.

==The Major Relics==
*[[Amnyfest Ring]]: Since the Sonichu medallions were stolen, Chris has claimed this [[autistic|mysteriously]]-named high school ring is the TRUE source of his power.
*[[Attraction Sign]]: A relic of days past when Chris had not yet been told by his mother that soliciting using a sign made him look retarded.
*[[Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :)|"CWC on TV" DVD]]: A DVD composed of many home videos, among other things such as his [[Song of Christian]].
*[[Gitar of Fail|Gitar]]: Apparently convinced this counts as a real guitar, Chris is often seen with his beloved [[Guitar Hero]] controller in attempts to look cool. It frequently has the opposite effect.
*[[Medallions of Fail|Medallions]]: Hunks of Crayola-brand modeling clay fashioned into the shape of Sonichu's head, among other characters' heads. Once believed by trolls to be the source of his power, they were swiftly corrected, and now Chris shows off his Amnyfest Ring to show that his videos are true and honest.
*[[PSEye]]: The window through which trolls can catch glimpses of Chris and his day to day life.
*[[Scrapbook of Fail|Scrapbook]]: A three-ring binder containing all of Chris's comic pages and other drawings.

==The Minor Relics==
*[[Hand-drawn Nintendo Power magazine|Hand-drawn Nintendo Power]]: A lengthy issue of ''Nintendo Power'', customized to show Sonic ditching Sega to join Nintendo and revealing a little bit of what Chris wants in a Sonichu game.
*[[Heart Torch of Fail|Heart Torch]]: An odd-looking creation, though more original than most of his works, born of Pixelblocks. It is used in the comics to summon his twin sister, Crystal.
*[[Pedo-Glasses]]: Have you ever noticed how pedophiles and rapists in composite sketches wear these kinds of glasses? Yeah. Don't think too hard about that.
*[[PSP of Fail|PSP]]: Yet another vessel for Chris's video game obsession. Chris, in typical Chris fashion, has decorated it with images of his flagship character and his own face.
*[[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon Poster]]: One of many things Chris presumably masturbates to in order to keep himself heterosexual.
*[[Son-Chu]]: Chris's car. Also apparently a Transformer.

==The Lesser Relics==
*[[Belt Buckle of Fail|Belt Buckle]]: Not a very well-known relic but nonetheless extremely amusing.
*[[Clown Doll]]: A harmless-looking clown doll, significant in that it often bears the brunt of Chris's fury in his many rage videos.
*[[Li'l Chris]]: A stuffed bear—not, in fact, Chris's [[duck]].
*[[Megatron pistol]]: A toy handgun Chris uses to [[Death threats|threaten]] his most hated [[trolls|foes]].
*[[Plush Breasts|Plush Boobs of Fail]]: A pair of fake breasts often seen in his videos, possibly used as a sign of heterosexual virility and as a [[mass debating]] tool.
*[[Wii Remote of Fail|Wii Remote]]: Like the PSP and Guitar Hero controller, this poor Wiimote has been decked out in Sonichu colors and was used in Chris's attempts to get [[Miyamoto]] to make him a video game.
*[[Pocket knife]]: A knife that Chris can't handle at all.
*[[Muscle bra]]: Actually, just a sports bra, which Chris sadly wears, thinking that everyone will be turned [[Homos|gay]] if they don't wear one, too. [[Fail|In reality, the opposite might occur.]]

==The Shrines of Fail==
*[[The Wall of Originals]]: A monument to the wastes of time known as Chris's original Pokemon cards.
*[[Megan Shrine]]: Chris's display of his disturbing obsession with the one [[Megan|girl]] he thought he truly had a chance at. Spoiler alert: he never had a chance and never will.

==Artwork of Fail==
*[[Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail]]: Even the simple task of drawing a straight line to depict a drinking straw evades Mr. Weston Chandler.

==The Holy Fails==
{{protip|Procure one of these and upload them to CWCki and you will be a fucking God amongst men.}}
While not traditional relics in such that Chris has emotional value, per say, these are Chris related relics that are of immense value to trolls but, like the fabled Holy Grail, seem impossible to obtain.

*[[Autism papers]] - presumably papers detailing Chris's exact psychological diagnosis. While a psychiatric survey from [[2004]] has been procured, the original papers documenting Chris's diagnosis are currently locked away in a filing cabinet in [[Bob Chandler|Bob's]] room.

*'''Transcripts and report cards''' - Chris's transcripts and report cards, to verify whether if he was indeed on [[honor roll]] and to what degree his claims about his high school grades are true.

{{Relics of Fail}}

[[Category:Relics of Fail]]

Muscle bra

2010-04-23T23:56:28Z

Lennon: /* See also */

{{taxpayermoney}}

[[Image:Sports-bra-DERP-dumb-look.jpg|thumb|Happy Chris in a muscle bra and with [[PS3|life upgrade]]]]
[[Image:Cwcbraorig.JPG|thumb|Unhappy Chris in a classic bra]]
[[Image:Ecp00065.jpg|thumb|Chris with no bra whatsoever]]
{{quote|OMG, WOW! This material feel so, so, so good on my skin.|Chris in [[sports bra photo series|the bra e-mail]]}}

'''Muscle bra''' is a [[CWC-ism]] for the [[Wikipedia:sports bra|sports bra]] that [[Chris]] is wearing on his [[obesity|manboobs]].

The muscle bra first appeared in [[October 2009]] in the leaked e-mail accompanied by the [[sports bra photo series]] of photos. His usually bouncy moobs soon became less noticeable in subsequent videos.

Later the same month, Chris appealed to others to wear a muscle bra too:

{{quote|I highly recommend this to every dude who goes around shirtless: wear a muscle bra. Because nobody, and I mean nobody wants to see your dog-gone ugly pecs, they're so ugly and repulsive, ugh... creeps everybody out.|Chris in [[Clyde is Weaker than Water]]}}

Chris seems to find the male chest and pecs unappealing. It is more than likely he makes this claim in a shallow attempt to appear straighter than straight. It is also likely that Chris himself find muscle bras to be a necessity given his unusually large breasts. Given his [[Chris and art|inability]] to differentiate differences in the anatomy of other human beings, Chris may possibly see it as necessary for other males to cover up as well.

However, all this raises the question: when was the last time Chris went to the beach??

Chris clearly liked wearing a muscle bra so much that, around six months later, [[For_J-R's_Eyes_Only.MOV|he gave us a better look in a video]]. One might assume that the clean white bra here is a different one from the pale green one in the photos, implying that Chris has bought multiple bras. Given that things never get cleaner in the Chandler household, only filthier, this seems a safe assumption to make. Chris reveals in the video in question that he wears bras with a band size of 42. His cup size is unknown at this time.

__NOTOC__
{{clear}}
==Acompanied e-mail==
[[Image:CWC_Bra_Review.jpg|thumb|One of Chris's many trolls making use of this new information.]]

<blockquote>
(omitted stuff)...

[[Stress]] causes Memory Loss sometimes. At least I undid the hacker who got into my [[YouTube]]. 

Also, I did my shopping today; I haven't been able to draw or color today yet, but I will set some time tonight. I got my copy of [[Guitar Hero|G.H.5]], my new 3-in-one-printer, and I found the sports bras at [[Mal-Wart|Wal-Mart]]; 3-packs for $10 a pack. In leiu of going into the fitting room, I asked the nearby female employee to measure my bust size; I'm a 43. So I got a 3-set of 42; I've been wearing one for try... It is sooo comfortable, and my manboobs do not bounce as easily; I jumped a few times to see. OMG, WOW! This material feel so, so, so good on my skin. It's like a [[sex toys|Guitly Pleasure]] or something. 

Anyway, I got my exercise in today. I also went to [[McDonald's|McD]], Toys 'R' Us, Sheetz, Food Lion and [[Get-Tar Region|Target]] for applications; NO PAPER APPLICATIONS! OMG, it really ground my gears to realize that. Although at Target, I was not totally surprised; I went straight to their computer station and filled in their application online. But EVERYONE IS LIKE GOING DIGITAL WITH NO PAPER TRAIL; It Sucks! This is even WORSE Than that CRAPPY PowerWeb at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|PVCC]]. 

Yes, you have read correctly, I HAVE ALWAYS HATED THAT DAMN, STUPID POWERWEB!<ref>http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/TwoMarys#Mary_Lee_Walsh Chris seems to hate the PowerWeb because it's a pet project of [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and he was too dumb to understand how to use it.</ref> Even in it's pre-released Over Advertising, which was TOTALLY UNECCESSARY. Every time I was FORCED into using that Damn System, I was always reluctant, and I had to use my Student ID No., which I HAD NEVER CARED TO MEMORIZE; I only glanced at a few numbers at a time upon entry, and "In One Ear And Out The Other" with that soiled piece of what would have been valuable information. You said I was the first person you met to Hate Kenneth; well, I'm probably the first person you met who Always Loathed the PowerWeb since its PreBirth. 

<nowiki>*</nowiki>[[stress sigh|sigh]]*

But I digress... and this bra feels sooo good.

Something else, I'll forward you an e-mail I sent to [[Kacey]] last night after our conversation to best start another concern of mine. 

I'll TTYL, 
Stay Safe, 
Chris.
</blockquote>

===The images===
<center><gallery>
Image:Sports-bra-DERP-dumb-look.jpg
Image:Sports-bra-little-teapot.jpg
Image:Sports-bra-creepy-stare.jpg
Image:Sports-bra-with-crossed-arm.jpg
</gallery></center>

==The Gallery of Horrors, continued (and animated)==
<center><gallery>
Image:127193894817.gif
Image:127193932971.gif
Image:127193992465.gif
Image:127193999352.gif
</gallery></center>

==References==
<references/>
==See also==
*[[Chris and fashion]]
*[[Gaybian]]

{{CWC-isms}}
{{Relics of Fail}}
[[Category:CWC-isms]]

[[Category:Relics of Fail]]

Muscle bra

2010-04-23T23:55:06Z

Lennon:

{{taxpayermoney}}

[[Image:Sports-bra-DERP-dumb-look.jpg|thumb|Happy Chris in a muscle bra and with [[PS3|life upgrade]]]]
[[Image:Cwcbraorig.JPG|thumb|Unhappy Chris in a classic bra]]
[[Image:Ecp00065.jpg|thumb|Chris with no bra whatsoever]]
{{quote|OMG, WOW! This material feel so, so, so good on my skin.|Chris in [[sports bra photo series|the bra e-mail]]}}

'''Muscle bra''' is a [[CWC-ism]] for the [[Wikipedia:sports bra|sports bra]] that [[Chris]] is wearing on his [[obesity|manboobs]].

The muscle bra first appeared in [[October 2009]] in the leaked e-mail accompanied by the [[sports bra photo series]] of photos. His usually bouncy moobs soon became less noticeable in subsequent videos.

Later the same month, Chris appealed to others to wear a muscle bra too:

{{quote|I highly recommend this to every dude who goes around shirtless: wear a muscle bra. Because nobody, and I mean nobody wants to see your dog-gone ugly pecs, they're so ugly and repulsive, ugh... creeps everybody out.|Chris in [[Clyde is Weaker than Water]]}}

Chris seems to find the male chest and pecs unappealing. It is more than likely he makes this claim in a shallow attempt to appear straighter than straight. It is also likely that Chris himself find muscle bras to be a necessity given his unusually large breasts. Given his [[Chris and art|inability]] to differentiate differences in the anatomy of other human beings, Chris may possibly see it as necessary for other males to cover up as well.

However, all this raises the question: when was the last time Chris went to the beach??

Chris clearly liked wearing a muscle bra so much that, around six months later, [[For_J-R's_Eyes_Only.MOV|he gave us a better look in a video]]. One might assume that the clean white bra here is a different one from the pale green one in the photos, implying that Chris has bought multiple bras. Given that things never get cleaner in the Chandler household, only filthier, this seems a safe assumption to make. Chris reveals in the video in question that he wears bras with a band size of 42. His cup size is unknown at this time.

__NOTOC__
{{clear}}
==Acompanied e-mail==
[[Image:CWC_Bra_Review.jpg|thumb|One of Chris's many trolls making use of this new information.]]

<blockquote>
(omitted stuff)...

[[Stress]] causes Memory Loss sometimes. At least I undid the hacker who got into my [[YouTube]]. 

Also, I did my shopping today; I haven't been able to draw or color today yet, but I will set some time tonight. I got my copy of [[Guitar Hero|G.H.5]], my new 3-in-one-printer, and I found the sports bras at [[Mal-Wart|Wal-Mart]]; 3-packs for $10 a pack. In leiu of going into the fitting room, I asked the nearby female employee to measure my bust size; I'm a 43. So I got a 3-set of 42; I've been wearing one for try... It is sooo comfortable, and my manboobs do not bounce as easily; I jumped a few times to see. OMG, WOW! This material feel so, so, so good on my skin. It's like a [[sex toys|Guitly Pleasure]] or something. 

Anyway, I got my exercise in today. I also went to [[McDonald's|McD]], Toys 'R' Us, Sheetz, Food Lion and [[Get-Tar Region|Target]] for applications; NO PAPER APPLICATIONS! OMG, it really ground my gears to realize that. Although at Target, I was not totally surprised; I went straight to their computer station and filled in their application online. But EVERYONE IS LIKE GOING DIGITAL WITH NO PAPER TRAIL; It Sucks! This is even WORSE Than that CRAPPY PowerWeb at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|PVCC]]. 

Yes, you have read correctly, I HAVE ALWAYS HATED THAT DAMN, STUPID POWERWEB!<ref>http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/TwoMarys#Mary_Lee_Walsh Chris seems to hate the PowerWeb because it's a pet project of [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and he was too dumb to understand how to use it.</ref> Even in it's pre-released Over Advertising, which was TOTALLY UNECCESSARY. Every time I was FORCED into using that Damn System, I was always reluctant, and I had to use my Student ID No., which I HAD NEVER CARED TO MEMORIZE; I only glanced at a few numbers at a time upon entry, and "In One Ear And Out The Other" with that soiled piece of what would have been valuable information. You said I was the first person you met to Hate Kenneth; well, I'm probably the first person you met who Always Loathed the PowerWeb since its PreBirth. 

<nowiki>*</nowiki>[[stress sigh|sigh]]*

But I digress... and this bra feels sooo good.

Something else, I'll forward you an e-mail I sent to [[Kacey]] last night after our conversation to best start another concern of mine. 

I'll TTYL, 
Stay Safe, 
Chris.
</blockquote>

===The images===
<center><gallery>
Image:Sports-bra-DERP-dumb-look.jpg
Image:Sports-bra-little-teapot.jpg
Image:Sports-bra-creepy-stare.jpg
Image:Sports-bra-with-crossed-arm.jpg
</gallery></center>

==The Gallery of Horrors, continued (and animated)==
<center><gallery>
Image:127193894817.gif
Image:127193932971.gif
Image:127193992465.gif
Image:127193999352.gif
</gallery></center>

==References==
<references/>
==See also==
*[[Chris and fashion]]
*[[Gaybian]]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]]

[[Category:Relics of Fail]]

Naïve

2010-03-18T07:08:14Z

Lennon:

[[Image:Naivewater.png|150px|right]]

{{quote|oh, BTW, YOUR NASAL VOICE IS MORE GRATING THAN THE WORD "NAIVE", and METAL NAILS ON THE CHALKBOARD.
But "Naive" is even WORSE than NAILS.|Chris to [[CChanSonichuCWC]]}}

{{quote|I'm not saying I'm dumb...or naïve.|Chris, being ironic}}

{{quote|I do not care much that you refer to me as "benevolent"; it sounds derogatory.|Chris, [[Mailbag 5]]}}

'''Naïve''' is one of [[Chris]]'s most-used insults. According to Merriam-Webster's English dictionary, the word "naïve" means "deficient in worldly wisdom or informed judgment; especially: credulous"<ref>[http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/naive Merriam-Webster's online entry about "naïve"]</ref>; Chris, however, defines it in his [[The July 10th Messages|July 10th Messages]] as merely "questioning one's intelligence", showing that he only understands the most overly simplified definition of the word. He also refers to it as "the cruelest of words". He often pairs it with "[[autism|retard]]", "[[slow in the mind]]", or one of his many other [[CWC-ism]] insults.

Chris has called others (largely [[trolls]]) "naïve" on many occasions. In a comment on one of [[CChanSonichuCWC]]'s videos, Chris calls his voice "more grating than the word 'naïve'". Later in the same saga, he remarks that the name [[Ian Brandon Anderson]] sounds "about as bad as the word naïve to me now". It has never occurred to Chris that assuming that other people find the word "naïve" as offensive as he does is — well — naïve.

The origins of Chris's disdain for this word likely come from occasions when it has been used against him in attempts to give him constructive criticism, such as the [[Vivian Gee E-mails]]. He seems to have twisted its original, relatively polite meaning into the worst insult he can muster. When [[Father Call|Kacey's father]] called him naïve, Chris became enraged, almost to the point of threatening physical violence.

== Ways Chris is Naive ==
* He believes that just because [[Sonichu]] is a popular internet topic, means that he has a million fans.
* He believes that everyone shares [[Death threats|his]] [[Mass Debating|bad]] [[Lie|habits]].
* He is under the impression that just because [[Asperger's]] is a different name than [[Autism|High Functioning Autism]], it's a completely different syndrome, despite no proof of this belief.
* He thinks that all [[Homos|gays]] are [[Chris|perverts]] that want to have [[Chris and Health|anal]] [[Chris and Sex|sex]]

==Sauce==
<references />

{{stub}}

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]]

Chris and money

2010-03-17T05:51:11Z

Lennon: /* Credit cards */

It's obvious that [[Chris]] himself has no grasp on the real value of '''money''', since he actively wastes as much of his [[monthly tugboat]] as possible on luxuries like [[Eye of Judgement|trading cards]], [[Officer Nasty|sex toys]], [[Duck|porn]], [[PS3|video games]], and, more recently, [[alcohol]]. He also once, when giving out the laws of [[CWCville]], equated 10 years in prison to a $1,500 fine.<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008]]</ref> He also equated 50 hours of community service to $500 (for any sexual violations).<ref>[[Mailbag_31#Magi-Chan_knows_when_you_fuck]]</ref>

Chris is a self-admitted impulse buyer. His [[PSN]] account shows that he's never played more than half of the games he's bought. And yet, astoundingly, he's still gone out of his way to buy ''all'' available downloadable content for ''every'' PS3 game that he's ever purchased, and he also further promoted his Sony fanboyism by later buying a Sony LCD HDTV for his bedroom which likely cost at least about $1,000-$1,500. All the while, Chris [[Chris and fashion|buys his clothes at second-hand discount thrift stores]].

==But wait, Chris isn't employed! ==

Chris is what most would call a welfare leech. Chris's only source of income is the $800 [[monthly tugboat|"tugboat"]] that he receives from the federal government every month. Chris's parents take $450 to pay for room and board.<ref>Miyamoto Saga</ref>

{{quote|My father helped me get my Social Security set up; I get more a month than I could at a job. |Chris, completely deluded.}}

Chris has repeatedly stated that Bob encourages him not to bother with a job, as it would void his Social Security status. Bob's encouragement indicates one of two things: he knows his son is an incapable [[fail]]ure (after watching Chris's disastrous employment at [[Wendy's]]), or he's instructing Chris on being a parasite.

Chris strongly believes that by receiving and spending his tugboat on useless shit he is aiding the economy and paying for the tugboat of others.<ref>[[Mailbag 34]]</ref> This is complete dumbassery since sales tax goes to the state government and these "tugboats" are paid with federal income tax. Apparently, this is too complex for Chris's autistic mind. Where Chris is hiding the printing press to afford this discretionary spending is unknown.

Interestingly enough, while he has no clue how to handle money, Chris has an unhealthy fixation on his material possessions. In [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]], he stated that he did not want to sell any of his stuff; and in the [[Miyamoto Saga]], he refused to sell anything to help raise money for the trip to Redmond.

==Credit cards==

As surprising as it is that Chris has his own credit cards, it is equally unsurprising how unwisely he uses them. Chris has managed to rack up $2,000 worth of debt (according to [[Mumble 4]], 1000 of which comes from the PSN store, but this number has increased over the past few weeks) and has even stolen his parents' credit cards to use when his were maxed out. Being the greedy twat that he is, when Chris finally does make payments towards his debts, he always does so in the smallest installments possible, freeing himself to spend as much as he has (or more) [[Guitar Hero|on]] [[Sonic|worthless]] [[LittleBigPlanet|shit]], entirely oblivious to the fact that he's only increasing his debt by letting interest charges rack up. Economists are currently working on the theory that it is Chris's debts, not the collapse of financial institutions, which have caused the current global financial crisis.

==Debtors==

Based on current projections, it won't be long before the repo men are called in and Chris is forced to forfeit his [[PlayStation 3|shit]]. And considering that Chris has an unnatural obsession with his worthless crap we can expect a lot of BAWWWWING when the day comes. We eagerly await the inevitable inclusion of the Jerkollectors, or perhaps the Repo Gang, in future comics. Debt, like anything else that represents a challenge to his [[Autism|ignorant bliss]], is just another example of the world trying to keep him down.

If only he had taken money from the loan sharks, maybe then would they beat the crap out of his HFA ass. Chris would only continue spending, of course, and definitely bitch about it on [[YouTube]].

==In the comic==

In [[Sonichu (comic)|the comic]] it is clear Chris has no idea how money works. [[Sonichu]], [[Rosechu]], [[Patti-Chan]], and most likely, all of the other characters live off welfare, just like Chris IRL. He seems to have no concept of tax, or that it's the American populace who pay for his [[Kimmi|bullshit]]. Sonichu and Rosechu are living in a two story house with an attic offered by the city and they are [[Mailbag 21|"paid" in average of $3,500 a month just to hang around]].

This, along with what else we know about CWCville, could mean that Chris is a communist, or at the very least, a socialist. Of course, he's most likely too much of a retard to actually know what that means.

In [[Sonichu 9|Episode 19]] it's shown that CWCVille actually uses their own currency, in the form of C Quarters, W Quarters, and C Quarters. 10 C Quarters make up a W Quarter, and 10 W Quarters make up a C Quarter. Don't bother asking how that makes sense in any way, especially considering [[Fail|what the word 'quarter' means]].

==In other works==

Chris shows us his complete misunderstanding of the stress his ideas would put on the American Social Security system if he was left in charge of it in a text called "[[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story]]". This is where the idea of "Soup Hotels" came from.

{{quote|Even the homeless have a place to stay in the ten Soup Kitchens/Hotels. |Chris with a very bad idea...}}

So, what is a "Soup Hotel"? Chris describe it in the [[Mailbag 20]] as a building ten stories floor tall with 10 to 20 rooms per floor, equipped with single bathrooms, bed, lighting and Cable TV. Of course, the homeless will stay there for free. So, instead of building Homeless shelters with dormitories, commons rooms and shared TV sets, Chris think the homeless should be treated to all the comforts of a Bona-Fide hotel. This means that, in CWCville, there's around 1000-2000 homeless people left outside. This might be the result of the local industry, chocked by heavy taxes needed to pay those [[Monthly Tugboat|social expenses]], are unable to make a profit there and are moving away.

In [[Sonichu 10]], [[Ultra Sonichu]] and bevy of Rosechus stop at a soup hotel. The building is labeled Soup Hotel 17, implying that CWCville has had to open 7 new homeless shelters in the span of a month, or they're just bad at numbering the things.

In [[Mailbag 29]] he states that $10 an hour is a reasonable price to pay for sex with a prostitute. To show his further ignorance of simple economics, Chris proposed a chain of [[CWCville|state-run]] brothels where this shockingly inexpensive fee would not only pay women for sex, pay the salary of a pimp (which would be a redundant middleman in a state-approved brothel), pay for STD testing for the prostitutes, but would also pay for free Sex Ed classes for virgins. In real life, Chris tried to scam his way out of paying for sex with a Craigslist [[Chris and sex#Prostitution|prostitute]] (who was charging $100 for the hour) by telling her about the trolls, his life story, and his many personal problems. The prostitute hung up on him.

In [[Mailbag 45]], Chris claims he has "already donated a healthy sum into the funds that have exceeded $57 million." after being asked if he had donated to help Haiti.

==See also==

*[[Monthly tugboat]] - what Chris calls his welfare check.

==Sauce==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

[[Category: Chris-chan]]

"Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!

2010-03-17T03:38:33Z

Lennon:

'''"Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!''' is a video released on 14 March 2010, in which Chris pleads to a [[gal-pal]] going by the pen name of [[The Wallflower|Damian Antaria]] to not get a new [[jerk|boyfriend]] and take him instead, because his life is unhappy. After singing (poorly) a shortened version of his song [[CWC_"Boyfriend"|"Boyfriend"]], he then asks Damian to "give him a break", and talks about his miserable life, and paying $100 to a hooker. It seems as if he did not actually go through with paying for sex, however, as he still claims he is a virgin. He may simply be referring to the familiar [[Chris_and_sex#Prostitution|incident from mid-2009]] where he tried and failed to hire a prostitute while being blackmailed by [[Jack Thaddeus]].

He repeatedly says "Please," because we all know that [[lie|women love men who beg]]. His tone of voice, though, sounds more demanding than anything, conveying the impression that [[Chris and his Ego|he feels he's entitled to have the object of his desire as his girlfriend]].

He also reveals that he still has no understanding of social interaction. He says that 'Damian' had told him multiple times she wasn't ready for a boyfriend which suggests that he both constantly tried to ask her out, prompting her to have to say a thin excuse multiple times, and that he is socially inept enough that he did not realize she was making an excuse. There is also a distinct possibility that her new boyfriend is either a cover she created to get him to back off, or is in fact not her boyfriend and their friendship is being misconstrued by Chris.

Note the lack of medallion and the many uses of the [[Claw of Fail]], looking as if he were menacing Damian. Also note that he seems to believe that Damian's new boyfriend is a [[troll]], implying that he's starting to have flashbacks to [[Liquid]], [[Kacey|who is already married]].

Uncharacteristically, Chris recorded and uploaded this video in the mid-afternoon. Thanks to his [[biological clock|peculiar day-night cycle]], he usually delivers his YouTube rants late at night or in the very early morning.

One of the many reasons that this attempt, as well as many others, failed is because he insults her boyfriend and then begs for sex, like any [[Chris|man with good intentions.]]

== Video ==
{{Infobox/video
| name = "Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU<nowiki>!!!</nowiki>
| image = {{#ev:youtube|OU7REQHxY6Q}}
| Stardate = 14 [[March 2010]]
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Performance Style = {{Tragedy}} Tragedy, {{Crazy}} Crazy
| Shirt = {{DangerStripeShirt}} The DangerStripe
| previous = [[Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!|Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!]]
| next = '''Current'''
}}

==Transcript==
[''Chris opens the video with a heavy [[sigh]] and removes his [[Pedo-glasses|glasses]]. His expression is troubled and grim.'']

This message goes out to Damian Antaria, her pen name. Not revealing her real name, all things considered. You know something? You don't, you don't need that new boyfriend, [[Chris and his ego|because... I need you]]. We were very compatible, we had so much in common! I don't see why you had to go and do that. I mean, you aren't even [[Boyfriend-free girl|ready for a boyfriend]]! You told me so yourself, multiple times! I respected that for a little while. [''sigh''] But, you know what? This puts to mind a little something...

[''He bends down to pick something up off the floor, a remote control, and queues up the old [[CWC "Boyfriend"]] video on his TV.'']

...I have put together before.

[''He begins singing.'']

Hey hey, you you 
I don't like your boyfriend 
No way, no way 
I think you need a new one

Hey hey, you you 
I could be your boyfriend 
da na da, da na da 
da da da, da da da

[''He begins waving his hands around spastically, which continues through his performance.'']

In a second you'll be [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|wrapped around my finger]] 
'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better 
There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in? 
He's so trollin' stupid, what the hell were you thinkin'?

That old sumbitch try to take you out of my life 
But you know I could do it better 
[[Liquid Chris|He's an impostor]], he's a poser 
What the hells were you thinkin' with that damn [[Man in the Pickle Suit|pickle suit]]?

[''The singing mercifully ends.'']

C'mon. Damian. Damian Antaria. Give me a break! You know my, I don't want to be back in a situation where I'm, [[Virgin with rage|that desperate I got...]]

[''He holds up the [[Claw of Fail|claw]].'']

Go as far as to pay a [[Chris and sex#Prostitution|hundred dollars for a damn hooker]]. Give me a breaaak!! I'm a 28-year-old high-functioning autistic virgin! I'm in a [[cwcville|hell of my own]]! [''sigh''] C'mon, please? Pleeeeaaaase? [[Lies|I've been so very worried about you]], I've had [[Obesity|heartaches]] since last Wednesday. I've had [[Biological Clock|sleepless nights]]! It really hurts!

[''He clutches at his chest.'']

Heartaches are hurt. Think about that.

[''He turns off the camera.'']

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!]]|nextlink=Current|}}
{{Music Videos}}

[[Category:Videos_Christian_uploaded_to_YouTube]]

Sonichu 10

2010-03-03T03:18:38Z

Lennon: /* Forgiveness...? */

[[Image:Issue 10 Cover.jpg|thumb|Finalized issue cover, from [[July 2009]].]]

'''''Sonichu 10''''' is the eleventh issue of the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comic]]. Chris submitted the first page to the [[CWCipedia]] on 8 [[December 2009]], shortly after finishing [[Sonichu 9|issue 9]]. The final pages were uploaded on 24 [[February 2010]], also [[Christian Love Day|Chris's birthday]].

==Background==
Throughout the early fall of 2008, the idea of obtaining and destroying Chris's [[Medallion of Fail]] had captured the imaginations of [[trolls]] across the world. Ultimately, a group of trolls posing as Chris's sweetheart [[Blanca]], convinced Chris to send her the Medallion.

For a time, it was unclear what had happened. Chris would attempt to set the record straight in his [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 9th, 2008|09 October 2008 video]], where he confirmed that he had sent the Medallion to Blanca, and that trolls briefly intercepted it. However, Chris would go on to insist that Blanca herself was not a troll, and that she somehow retrieved the Medallion and returned it to Chris unharmed. In fact, Chris had simply constructed a new Medallion, claiming to have upgraded the original to explain its differences from the first. He also began to show off his [[High School Ring]] implying its greater importance.

To further spin the theft of the Medallion, Chris drew a special Sonichu comic meant to be an excerpt from issue #10. This was uploaded circa 14 October 2008. In it, Chris fictionalizes the trolls attempts to steal his Medallion, and emphasizes the Medallion's safety and Blanca's loyalty to him. Additionally, Chris retcons the [[Anchuent Prophecy]], establishing that the Medallion's powers actually come from the Amnyfest High School Ring.

===Continuity===
At the time, Chris had not yet completed the second half of [[Sonichu 8|Sonichu #8]], and indeed would not complete that issue until 1 January 2009. Most likely, Chris's rationale for skipping ahead was that he wanted to acknowledge the Medallion incident in his comics, but needed to have himself appear in the story to do this. As Chris's character has been marooned in the "[[time void]]" since the end of [[Sonichu 7|Sonichu #7]], and not scheduled to return until after #8, Chris's only solution was to flash forward in the storyline, to a point where he had returned to Earth and was able to confront the trolls personally.

Ironically, far more has transpired in Chris's life than he could have possibly imagined. Even as Chris struggled to begin [[Sonichu 9|Sonichu #9]], Blanca had long since been revealed as a troll, and Chris has subsequently been romanced and heart-shattered by several other trolls. By the time Sonichu #10 had officially begun, the theft of the Medallion and Blanca's role in the incident were ancient history. In fact, the comic version of Blanca had been abruptly written out of the story two issues ago, and Chris's comic counterpart was already seeing his future wife, ensuring that the "trusted sweetheart Blanca" line makes absolutely no sense without any knowledge of the events leading up to the preview pages.

Furthermore, Chris promised at the end of Sonichu #9 that he would remove himself from the comics and that he'd focus solely on [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]]. By the end of Episode 21, however, he remains in the comic.

===Cover art===
[[Image:SonichuCover10.jpg|thumb|**The Cover Art for Comic #10 was Wisely Picked by myself, C.W.C., and Generously Contrubed by Sonichu Fan, PandaHalo.**]]

Despite his continued support of Blanca, Chris was also embroiled in an online relationship with [[PandaHalo]], and he used her fan-art of Chris-Chan Sonichu as the cover of #10.

==Episode 21: Christian Chandler in Director Amenities==

===Curing Da [[Homos]]===

The comic begins by recapping [[Wild]] and [[Magi-Chan]]'s effort to rescue Chris from the [[Time Void]]. However there is a bit more dialogue than the the [[Sonichu 9]] version, including Chris stating that he now has a new future wife named [[Lovely Weather]]. Chris then goes on to reveal that he [[Kacey Call|tricked his future wife into thinking he was his future self]], and then [[rape|fucked his future wife]] while his future self was at work.

He proceeds to textwall again, revealing that, in the future, scientists have almost discovered the cure for [[homos]]exuality, but require pure, heterosexual blood to complete the formula. Chris volunteers for this procedure, apparently because there are no 100% heterosexuals 6 years in the future. Keep in mind that Chris himself still exists at this time, yet it seems they can't use Future Chris's blood for [[Homos#Evidence that Chris is a homo|some reason]]. After receiving the cure and finding out it worked, he grabbed two of the syringes, planning to use one to turn [[Reldnahc]] back into Naitsirhc, whose one completely random true love, [[Kel]] is worried sick about. [[Homos|The gate of the other syringe is never seen.]]

He then entrusts Magi-Chan with one of the <s>Sonichu Balls</s> Chaotic Crystals and a mission: go back to 2015, grab one of the crates containing the cure and return to the present with them, putting them with their stockpiles of today (thus causing a time paradox and, even worse, restoring his virginity!) Using the boosted Magi-Chan, he psychically calls out to a number of people to begin the mission of correcting the hundreds of plot holes: He calls out to Allison Amber and [[BILLY MAYS]], who somehow survived [[Sonichu 9]], to load up [[Son-Chu]] with his [[PS3]], [[Guitar Hero]] and his plastic instruments and head for the 4-Cent Garbage HQ; he then tells [[Patti-chan]] that Sonichu's coming to pick up the other five Chaotic Crystals and to move the still-trapped [[Crystal]] over to his office near his desk; he tells Sonichu to get said Crystals and meet him at [[4chan|4-Cent Garbage]]'s HQ by 2:30; and finally, he tells [[Blake]] and [[Punchy]] to also head for the HQ. Chris also lets Wild play in his [[Chris and reality|imaginary band]]. With everything set up, Chris transforms in Chris-Chan Sonichu and we're at where we left off from [[Sonichu 9]], sort of.

===Rage Against the Garbage 2: Electric Boogaloo===

[[Image:DevilTrolls.JPG|thumb|left|Devil trolls, in all their disgusting glory.]]

Chris, before killing his enemies, makes a stop a building where he keeps all his Sonichu-related gear (a large, not-so-subtle sign notes the building is somehow hosted by Tripod, one Chris's original webspace providers). He enters to find his stuff safe and sound; until the Devil [[Trolls]] emerge, resembling winged, evil Troll dolls. Chris goes on the attack, swatting many of them away. The troll's flesh-colored tails look suspiciously like [[pickle|penises]], especially when Chris [[homos#Evidence that Chris is a homo|grabs one by the tail]], sending a pleasurable wave of electricity through the creature, causing its tail to become stiff and erect.

Chris manages to defeat all the devil trolls and proceeds to go on a lengthy, pointless rant/ad for the videogame "Fairytale Fights." He then explains, [[fail|as best he can]], the ESRB rating system, such as "M" being for "Moof" and how one shouldn't "be a Moof or aloof" and "keep it "E" or "T" for your children". He clarifies that, even though he wants others to stick to E or T-rated games, he admits that he has played and enjoyed ''[[Brutal Legend]]'', though it's not clear whether he now considers himself a Moof, or perhaps even aloof. He than proceeds to teleport his useless Sonichu-related crap into his Mayoral office. After that, he creates a Lightning Bomb, performs <s>Chaos</s> Chaotic Control to teleport away from the building , erects a barrier around the building '''and fucking blows it up!''' Chris then claims that Tripod didn't have good security and had no support for Flash programs. A message in Japanese characters listed as a "controversial statement!" is seen to the right.

Chris, after "burning the Tripod bridge", proceeds to do a set of tasks, including setting up his fated first date with Lovely, whose revealed to be a busty, brown-haired girl, preparing up everything for the [[CWCipedia]] before talking to his Board of Directors, whom he literally towers over before heading on to Tennessee. [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]] rapidly advances on the [[4-cent_garbage.com]] building in Clarksville, Tennessee. Observing Chris on an HD-TV hooked up to a [[Hex Bawx]], the evil [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] prepares to spring a trap for the autistic furfag.

Apropos of nothing, a large sign hanging from the monitor informs the reader that Chris endorses Blu-Ray discs, apparently unaware that the HD format war ended prior to this comic's creation. Chris also includes a plug for ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' ([[gay|yay!]]), delivered by the game's mascot, Sackboy. Sackboy commands the readers to purchase the game and play Chris's Sonichu level, even if they have to buy a PS3 to do so. He further warns gamers against using illegal copies of ''LittleBigPlanet'' for [[Nintendo|Wii]] or Xbox360, as if these even existed. Chris arrives at the front door to the building and waits for [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] to arrive with Chris's Autobot, Son-Chu, his PS3, and his ''Guitar Hero'' [[guitar]]. Somehow convinced all this shit will help him wage war against the building, Chris waits patiently, which makes you wonder why he bothered showing up early in the first place.

Inside, Jason uses an illegal Xbox copy of ''LittleBigPlanet'' to create a cage over Chris, and drops it on his head. Chris-Chan attempts to spin-dash his way out with his Sonichu powers, but the cage is too strong. With Chris-Chan's hedgehog speed neutralized, Jason's lackey, [[Beel]] uses a red tractor beam of some kind to target Chris's transformation spot, reverting him to his human form of [[Christian Weston Chandler]]. This causes his [[Medallion]] to re-materialize, and Beel's beam drags it away from Chris's body and into his waiting hand. Beel absorbs the Medallion into his hand, but feels no increase in his own power. Inside the cage, Chris notices his [[High School Ring]] sparking with energy. Sprouting [[fangs]] of confidence, Chris puts on his [[glasses]] and aims his ring at Beel, teleporting the Sonichu Medallion to his trusted [[Sweetheart]], [[Blanca]] (which is hilarious, especially after the additions). Chris explains that his high school ring was the source of his powers all along, and he uses it to transform back into Chris-Chan Sonichu. With a Hyper Beam attack, he blasts through the cage, blowing Beel into the 4-cent_garbage building.

The final page of the preview shows a photo of [[Jimmy Hill]], who is also struck by the Hyper Beam. His teeth are destroyed in the attack, and [[Bugs Bunny]] appears to scold him. Sonichu makes his lone appearance to shake his clenched fist and growl '''"Jimmy!!"''' Also, a hedgehog or something says "Dinsdale", which probably causes [[Monty Python]] fags to cream their jeans or something. Chris closes with a warning not to buy any merchandise from Jimmy Hill.

=== Comic Chris banishes his sexual insecurity===

While waiting for the rest to show up, Chris-Chan Sonichu meditates, not knowing that [[Naitsirhc]] is sneaking up behind him, planning to smack him with a plank. Chris-Chan suddenly develops Newtype abilities, senses the attack and blocks it. Naitsirhc decides that it's time to end everything and plans to turn Christian evil and [[homo|gay]]. Christian, on the other hand, says the reverse, that it's the end of evil and homosexuality. The two [[sonichus]] fight it out until the two of them conveniently hit each other in their weak spots, and both are flung to the pavement. Naitsirhc manages to get up and prepare a finishing move, as Chris surreptitiously prepares a hypodermic needle while feigning unconsciousness. Naitsirhc asks Chris if he has any last words. Chris, pretending to be a badass, says "Only three words..."

He then rises up and with great fury stabs Naitsirhc, not in the heart, but straight in his Black Sonichu Medallion. With a big "NOOOOO!", Naitsirhc transforms back into the totally straight Reldnahc Giovanni, while Chris says the [[lies|completely non-homoerotic]] phrase, '''"Drink My [[semen|Blood!]]"''' As he teleports Reldnahc to [[Kel]]'s waiting bedside, he laments that Naitsirhc never [[Sonichu 6|never wore a shirt]], but is glad the evil homo is gone. He also comments that Kel is looking very nice these days, but he never actually draws her into the strip because she's a [[women's rights|lowly woman]] and he has to save screentime for [[Chris and his ego|himself]] and his army of [[Sonichu (species)|recolors]]. At the same time, Son-Chu, Sonichu, Blake and Wild arrive. As they set up their ''Guitar Hero'' gear, Sonichu notices something on Chris's guitar - the [[PaRappa the Rapper]] cap. Sonichu puts it on and turns 2D. When Chris grabs his guitar, his [[Amnyfest Ring|ring]] reacts, turning back to his real life self to talk about laundry and [[lie]] about a [[sweetheart|relationship]] he doesn't get then quickly dismiss it. Another Son-Chu transformation (its page ''reused'' from Episode 20), and it seems that Chris has gathered the [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!|Hedgehog Boys]] to rock out... and Chris's legs seem to deform at the knees as well. The next page is a doctored picture of Chris because he's too lazy to draw anything else at the moment. Chris looks particularly bored in this picture, really distracting from the intended drama of the moment.

[[Image:ClydeJackGay.JPG|thumb|Artist's depiction of Clyde and Jack's final moments.]]

===POWER RANGERS FUCK YEAH===

The song they start to play is [[Power Rangers|"Revive Zordon"]], a particularly horrible song to the tune of "Cat Scratch Fever" extolling the superiority of the original Power Rangers over the later iterations. As Chris [[fail|rocks out]], Beel, evidently alive, [[Clyde Cash]], making his first official appearance in the comics, and [[Jack Thaddeus]], also making his first appearance, warn [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] that the building can't take this kind of rock and say they must escape. Jason tells the three that, yes, he is escaping and retiring to a two-story house in the suburbs. He, then, tells them that he's STRAIGHT and that he doesn't want to be involved in the slandering and mockery anymore. As he escapes, Beel decides to abandon those two for being homosexual and for slandering and mocking an innocent man. With no choice left, and in perhaps the only remotely touching moment in ''Sonichu'', Jack and Clyde hold hands like true heroes as they express their deep remorse for slandering Chris and making [[homos]] look even worse than they already are, before leaping down the 72 story elevator shaft as Chris and the crew proceed with their plan to murder every single living thing in the building. For someone who has dealt with [[Ivy|suicide]] personally, Chris is awfully supportive of it as a means of eliminating his greatest enemies without getting his hands dirty.

As the building fell, it is said that there were about 1500 [[trolls|people]] in the building during the collapse. Those closest to the ground got out scot-free. 250 trolls got out safely when Chris and his crew went to save them. 250 other trolls were too [[alcohol|drunk]] to get out. Of those 125 trolls were either injured or dead, along with another 125 sober. Of the remaining 500, 250 were safe, 150 injured and 100 dead. [[fail|Note that although Chris states that there were 1500 people in the building, this only adds up to 1375.]] A memorial would be put up in the ruins and [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and 4-Cent Garbage would lose its data and "never return", despite the fact that they probably' had back ups. [[Twin Falling Towers|This is not the first time one of Chris's anti-troll diatribes has twisted the imagery of a collapsing building that killed hundreds of people to his own selfish purposes.]]

[[Image:NoMoreHomos.jpg|thumb|left|Depiction of Mayor Chandler's success in ''poisoning'' the city's water supply. Wait, what?]]

Ignoring this little bit to put the spotlight back on him, Chris laments on how those there wasted their talents for trolling, comparing them to ''[[Wikipedia:TMZ|TMZ]]''. It quickly goes into a non sequitur, where it shows cameras focusing on [[Women's rights|Rosechu on the toilet inserting a tampon]], [[Rosechu]] and Sonichu in the middle of some bondage deal and filming Robbie talking about [[Random-access humor|how he pissed on a lizard]]. Before it goes any further, Magi-Chan returns from screwing with the timestream and [[Mailbag 31|being Big Brother]]. Upon returning, Magi-Chan declares that testing on the vaccine is a success and that he brought the crates to the present and are sending them across on trucks. It is said that one Feburary 24th, 2009, homosexuality will be eradicated and the day will be called [[Chris and his Ego|"Christian Love Day"]]. He also says that Silvana will eventually be returned to a TRUE and [[HONEST]] female from [[GodJesus]] and [[Fail|fall in love with Magi-Chan]].

===Chris trolls himself again===

All of a sudden, [[Family Guy|Meg Griffin]] shows up and says that she's a [[fail|fan of the comic series]]. As they talk, a guy walks up and taunts Meg, calling her a 'sir' - which is common for Meg. Chris stands up for her and the guy insults Chris instead. Chris flips his lid and [[Chris and anger|sucker punches the guy]]. Meg thanks him by kissing Chris, cheating on his future wife AGAIN. As they leave, it's revealed that Meg was actually [[Silvana]] in disguise, commenting on how easy it was to troll him. Yes, Chris did just depict himself making out with someone who has a penis, why do you ask?

===Ultra Sonichu and [[Collosal Chan]]===

After taking the time to grovel at his fans for the past comic and begging them not to abandon him, he and Sonichu take the Sonichu Ball Crystal things and transform into [[Collosal Chan]] and [[Ultra Sonichu]]. After transforming, Chris decides to go back to CWCVille, but tells Ultra Sonichu to head for RuleCWC with Darkbind Sonichu before heading for [[Asperchu|Minnesota]] and wait for him. Back in CWCVille, Chris enters the [[Dark Mirror Hole]] and rescues Crystal from the mirror with all the fanfare of picking up a bag of groceries. As Crystal comes to, Allison says that she's called the paramedics to look after her. For some reason Crystal refers to Christian as "Christopher", though it's not clear if this is meant to be some kind of sign between the siblings, or if Chris just forgot about his [[The Bear|name change]].

Meanwhile in RuleCWC, Darkbind Sonichu is kneeling by Zelina Rosechu when Ultra Sonichu arrives, striking the same pose as Jesus Christ on the Cross. In "Da Cave", a stone breaks open and someone, possibly Clawdorf, realizes the Chaotic Crystals freed him, then asks how long he was out. That's right, the act of Chris and Sonichu activating their super forms allows a vaguely defined evil force to escape imprisonment. It's not like Chris and Sonichu ''needed'' to transform, either. The greatest threat to CWCville at the moment is Chris himself as he [[Twin Falling Towers|destroys various buildings]] with the power of [[fail|rock]]. Sonichu uses his power to revive Zelina, who acts like the rest of the vapid rosechus over what Darkbind did for her. This rescue complete, Ultra Sonichu races out, but not before he "coles" the window hatch.

[[Image:DBNT2G_police.jpg|thumb|right|Chris could have picked ''Mass Effect 2'' when lusting after a dating game. Instead, he consciously chose ''this.'' Not entirely unforeseen!]]

In Minnesota, Collosal Chan and Ultra Sonichu hover over the house of Alec Benson Leary, and break in. Discovering Alec's computer (which is revealed to be a [[Hex_bawx|HEX BAWX]] "Pavillion"; note Chris's computer is an [[Wikipedia:HP Pavilion (computer)|HP Pavillion]]), Chris [[Chris and sex|inserts his finger]] into a USB port, then concentrates and rips off ''Shadow the Hedgehog'' by placing himself inside the computer. Once inside, Chris proceeds to delete all files within the [[Asperpedia]], ban Mao, Sean, [[Evan]] and Alec, the delete their accounts. He, then, steals a "better dating simulator" (likely [http://news.vgchartz.com/news.php?id=6182 "Don't Be Nervous Talking to Girls"]) with the retarded intention to modify it for PS3 use, as though XBox owners don't deserve a shitty dating simulator, before he escapes, planting another Lightning Bomb to blow up the HEX BAWX. While Chris was doing this, Ultra Sonichu enters Alec's room, commenting on the [[Chris and art|bad art]] from the Asperchu series. While the art in Asperchu is hardly professional grade, at the very least it shows some understanding of perspective, proportion, and pacing. If anything it looks like a moderately skilled artist who just happens to be drawing very quickly, whereas Sonichu looks like it's drawn by a [[Christian Weston Chandler|retarded child]].

While investigating the dirty room, Ultra Sonichu overhears people talking and, upon leaving, discovers Asperchu and his variation of the Chaotic Combo, whom are tired of his world's mall. Upon seeing him, the Sonichu and Rosechu start going off into a nearly god-like praise for the [[Honest Content|TRUE and HONEST]] Sonichu. The malformed beasts then proceed to tell Ultra Sonichu how Alec infected them all with Asperger's and pushed homosexuality on them and that they had real names before Alec gave them the names of the Chaotic Combo. Ultra Sonichu then uses his powers to cure them of Asperger's, transforming them into Michael, Bobby, Kitty, Trisha, Whisp and Swift (all of whom will never appear again). Asperchu then turns into a muscle-bound Sonichu known as Mitch. As thanks, Sonichu tells them not to listen to Alec and his group and just live free. As he does, Chris blows up the HEX BAWX.

At this point the group literally [[Chris and his ego|bows down before Chris]] and Sonichu, before Chris politely informs them that he's not God; simply a representative of God. Metal Asperchu then shows up and assaults the group. Chris creates a barrier, though he doesn't bother to use his nigh-omnipotence to destroy the enemy or send him to the [[The Moon|goddamn moon]] and instead forces the non-chaotic Combo to combine their powers to defeat the creature. With that out of the way, they thank Chris again for being so awesome, then spot Asperchu creator Alec Benson Leary off-screen, and go to [[death threats|physically assault him]]. Chris has never seen an actual picture of Alec, and so he is never depicted. Alec apparently had a group of rosechus locked in his basement, and Chris nonchalantly decides to go ahead and use his powers to rescue them as well.

Page 65 is a wall of text so mindbogglingly long and retarded that Chris has to cut his way out from the previous page (or something) to cram a picture. The tl;dr of it is an attempt to once again retcon everything his characters have done in anyone else's comics, reaffirming their sexuality, sweethearts, occupations, and rebuking any characterizations that say otherwise, in an attempt to absolutely distinguish that his Sonichu is unrelated to Asperchu in any way. He finishes by stating that his characters will never go to Minnesota, nor interact with any Mitch/Asperchu unless he says so.

Impatient, Ultra Sonichu asks Great Director Chris if they can continue with the story.

Back in Cwcville, the Chaotic Combo and others sit at a table talking about why they hate the Asperpedia comics so much. This includes insulting the art, the mischaracterizations, and intellectual property rights. [[Simonla]] specifically denounces [[Evan]] (who has been trying to convince Chris to remove her from the comic via the [[Mailbag]] for weeks), who retconned her as a female clone of [[Simonchu]] in his own comic. [[Allison Amber]] speaks poorly of [[Fan:Moon-Pals|Moon-Pals]], but can't seem to offer any specific complaints about the series. Crystal asks the group to calm down and wait for Chris to return, so that he can tell the president, and have Asperpedia taken down. Magi-chan ominously hints that Chris's will has to be done, lest the Cwcville, and possibly the world, fall into total chaos and anarchy. For some reason, Thomas Jefferson's house was used as an example of the structural damage that would be incurred.

Finally, Ultra Sonichu and the 4 unnamed Rosechu's supposedly from [[Chris|Alec's]] basement arrive in one of CWCville's many [[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas Story|soup hotel]]s. Sonichu rambles on about the concept of a soup hotel while the dirty and emaciated rosechus just stare on despondently. [[Basement Rosechus|The rosechus]], named Brit-tay, Bride, Moe and Mary, decide to live their lives <s>as vapid airheads who do nothing but simper over sonichus</s> the way they should. Ultra Sonichu helps Mary into a wheelchair and flies off. As he leaves, he runs into [[Inos]], a very high [[niggo]], obviously another satisfied customer of [[Yawning Squirtle]]. He offers Ultra Sonichu some weed, but he declines. The guy tells Sonichu he's been fighting a cold for five years and Sonichu thinks it's because of the nicotine (yes, folks. The man's high and Chris thinks it's because of tobacky!). He has Magi-Chan summon [[Constables Gerald Grant and Louis Perez|some cops]] to slap him on the wrist for smoking, put him in the soup house and put his stash in the NASA rocket set for [[the Moon]], where [[Fan: Moon-Pals|certain people will know how to use it better]]. Flying to the highest point of CWCVille, Ultra Sonichu uses Chaotic Control to free every [[Jerkop]] in the city.

===The Final Countdown===

Meanwhile, Collosal Chan confronts [[Slaweel Ryam]] in the [[PVCC]]. There, Slaweel tells her sob story about how she was an outcast, how she tried to cause others the same misfortune as some means for Chris to justify the running plot thread of Mary Lee Walsh and her Jerkops had been somehow trying to stop TRUE and HONEST love and keep VIRGINIA for VIRGINS. [[Count Graduon]] had told her he could help her, but that obviously [[fail]]ed. Slaweel gives Chris Graduon's wand and tells him to smash it, her boobs apparently inflating to the levels of [[Mary Lee Walsh#Fan art|troll fan art]] as she does. Chris looks at it like an idiot and does so without a second thought. With that, Chris goes into a spiel in which he complains about how he's never had any luck with trying to find someone himself and how he cursed the male population for it. He creates [[Things Chris has ripped off|electric versions of Kratos's blades]] before declaring that he will kill Slaweel and never forgive her. The two start fighting and, of course, Chris gets the upper hand, reflecting Slaweel's attacks back at her before deftly defeating her. Because Chris is so paranoid about people getting the "wrong" impression about him, he clarifies that Mary is only paralyzed, and not outright killed.

[[File:Simonlas Death WIP.jpg|thumb|If Chris had the talent, he would've drawn this.]]

With Slaweel defeated, Chris goes on to make a public announcement, mentioning that Slaweel has been put in a maximum security prison, with her ex-manajerks being released free of charges. He also goes on to allow homosexuality in CWCVille, but makes marriage illegal. He appoints Crystal head of social relations to try to make things better. As he talks, admitting [[Asperchu|Alec]] had a bigger fan base, [[Simonla]] goes to the bathroom, leaving [[Wild]] to tend to their egg. ''Deus Ex Machina'' that he is, Magi-Chan stops [[Evan]] and [[Simonchu]] from killing Simonla, but isn't able to stop Alec from planting Toilet Exploding Voltorb, which detonates and hits Simonla while she's taking a piss. The police and medics race to deal with the aftermath, with Magi-Chan handing Evan and Simonchu over to the police. As Wild tends to Simonla, she gives him her "lucky shark's tooth" (aka the drill pendant Chris stole from Evan's Simoncu design, which itself was taken from Simon the driller from Gurren Lagann). As Wild worries and everyone tries to save Simonla, things go downhill and Simonla dies. Wild is told the bad news by [[Bill the Scientist]] and plans to get revenge on Simonla's killers, only to be stopped by Magi-Chan, since the killers had all conveniently already been arrested. At that time, Simonla's egg hatches, and the first thing the Rosey asks is "Where's Mommy?" Magi-Chan, insensitive fuck that he is, tells her point blank Evan killed her. Over the week, Wild tends to the little Rosey, who quickly evolves into [[Sandy Rosechu]]. Some explanation is given for Sandy's training and home life, including a mention that she is taught English (even though she is shown to be perfectly capable of speaking full sentences at the exact moment of her birth).

===Forgiveness...?===

The sequence of events is interspersed with Chris delivering an [[Alec_Benson_Leary_Phone_Call_6|apology]] to Alec and Evan and bestowing a Forgiveness Blessing on Mao. Both are completely undermined by the events of the next several pages, proving yet again that Chris [[Chris_and_remorse#Motivation_to_apologize|views an apology purely as a way to get people off his back]].

Time then jumps ahead to the trial of CWCVille versus Alec, Sean, Evan and Mao. Presided by Judge Slack Lewis (who seems to be based on comedian Lewis Black), he calls for attorney [[Harvey Birdman|Marvey]] [[Pokemon|Blaziken]] to make the opening statements. Although the four are ostensibly on trial for the murder of Simonla, <s>Chris</s> Marvey makes sure to tack on a long list of charges related to the existence of the Asperpedia, such as plagiarism, mockery, [[Chris_and_hypocrisy#.22Don.27t_be_a_moof_or_aloof.22_.E2.80.94_Mature_content|gory pages]], and all that fucking swearing. Sean, acting as defense lawyer, makes an opening statement while high. The judge asks for order in the court and Sean orders [[fail|a beer float and pot stickers]]. All four enter a plea of not guilty and are summarily convicted based on the existence of their respective comics, the remote control for the deadly Voltorb, and Magi-Chan's mind-reading abilities. They're then sentenced to be [[Chris_and_hypocrisy#.22I_would_have_them_ESS-acuted.21.22_.E2.80.94_Capital_Punishment|executed]] by those they hurt.

[[File:SandyKiller.JPG|thumb|Artist's depiction of Sandy's mental state.]]
Alec is first, put on the Ten-Button Electric Chair. Each button is pressed by Chris or one of the hedgehogs, each one dwelling on how they were portrayed in Asperchu - meaning Alec is '''flash-fried''' for daring to write a comic. Evan is chained to a wall and '''drilled to bits by the infant Sandy''', who keeps his glasses as a trophy (nothing fucked up there). '''Sean is shot to death by Allison, Bill and Kellie''' and finally Chris '''[[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD |breaks Mao]] with his psychic powers''', making this the bloodiest comic ever, [[Chris and Hypocrisy|despite Chris stating just ''pages'' earlier that the rampant gore in the Asperpedia was practically criminal.]]

Right after killing four people and involving a toddler in the execution, Chris goes on a rant about his egotistical holiday, [[Christian Love Day]], and rips off Independence Day. The comic ends with a page dedicating the book to [[PandaHalo]] and includes her original fanart and a page from her comic.

==="Extras"===

As a super [[Autism|special]] bonus for his readers sitting through the weeks long wait for updates, Chris uploaded "Marvey Blaziken, Attorney at Law" a picture featuring the blatant rip-off of...[[Harvey Birdman|you can guess exactly who.]] Demonstrating that he has learned absolutely nothing from [[Alec Benson Leary calls| his talks with Alec]], Chris essentially tells his [[True and Loyal Fanbase]] to fuck off and let his "inspiration" come naturally, a process that can take [[Sonichu 8| months.]] Interestingly, and unsurprisingly, the page is just a recycled book page with added text.

==Reaction==

===Preview===
As Chris became increasingly determined to convince the public that his Medallion had never been successfully stolen, the trolls posing as Blanca responded with photos and videos to support their claims. Finally, the medallion was destroyed on a video uploaded to [[YouTube]] on 20 October 2008.<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-TP2wCucZo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-TP2wCucZo]</ref>

===Simonla's Death===
On 13 Feburary 2010, Chris e-mailed [[Evan]], revealing two pages that were slated to appear in Sonichu 10. In these pages, Chris (who obviously is NOT pulling himself out of the comic) admits that [[Asperchu]] is not as bad as it seems, and begs for forgiveness from Evan and the rest. As he speaks, [[Simonla]] asks [[Wild]] to hold her bags while she goes to the bathroom. In the bathroom, the toilet she's in explodes. Simonla has just enough time to tearfully hand Wild her <s>special drill bit</s> lucky shark's tooth before [[Bill the Scientist|Bill the <s>Scientist</s>Doctor]] tells Wild that she died. (In the explosion scene, only the bathroom door is shown, and Simonla's death is not actually shown on page. This directly contradicts the instructions Evan repeatedly gave Chris, where Simonla was supposed to die on page.) Wild mourns for one panel before Magi-Chan reveals the location of her murderer, and Wild declares revenge.

The preview was the end result of an ongoing tug of war between Chris and Evan over the use of Simonla Rosechu. Evan had wanted Simonla pulled out of the comics ASAP, but Chris, being [[Ego|Chris]], refused. When Evan told Chris to kill Simonla, Chris refused, stating that it [[Chris and reality|would upset Wild Sonichu]]<ref>[[Mailbag 26]]</ref>. This war of words would culminate in Evan getting the CWCipedia shut down, forcing Chris to either swallow his pride or start hunting down a new web server. Chris, lazy fuck that he is, chose the former for the benefit of mankind.

On 25 February 2010, Chris revised those pages, revealing without a doubt that it was Evan, Sean, Mao and Alec who killed Simonla. The Asperpedia Four responded by giving control of the CWCipedia ads back to [[Jack Thaddeus]], who proceeded immediately to renew his campaign to flood Chris's website with [[homo]] [[pickles]]. On 1 March 2010, Chris announced via his [[Twitter]] account that he would be re-revising the end of Sonichu 10 in order to make peace with Alec and company - probably in the hope that doing so will result in Jack removing his dreadfully pornographic ads.

==See also==
*[[Blanca]]
*[[Medallion of Fail]]
*[[Amnyfest Ring]]

==Sauces==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Issue_10/Page_1 Sonichu #10]
*[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic10Preview.htm Sonichu #10 Preview]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgLZjhsmgpY Audiobook (erroneously referred to as a preview of #9)]
*[http://www.youtube.com/user/Ickeriss69 Youtube profile containing three videos proving the fate of the original Sonichu Medallions] 

{{Sonichu}}

[[Category:Sonichu comic book issues]]

Chris and sex

2010-03-02T02:47:42Z

Lennon: /* Pedophilia */

{{Honest}}
{{oversized}}
[[Chris]] has a warped view of '''sex''' (aka "hanky panky"), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and a sheltered upbringing. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on HBO around age 16. He views pornographic films as "educational" and regularly purchases [[sex toys]] from AdamEve.com.

== Knowledge of sex and gender ==
[[Image:Thenightmarecontinues.jpg|thumb|Seven inches? Yeah, right.]]
Due to the combined threat of his somewhat [[Chris and English|slippery grip on language]] and his peculiar mindset on sex, Chris is noticeably confused about sexual terminology. While he ''may'' have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. Chris repeatedly refers to women as the "opposite gender" as opposed to "opposite sex." By definition, "gender" refers to the personality of a person, while "sex" refers to the physiology or genetics of a person. So a request from Chris for love from the opposite gender, is an open invitation to MTF trannies. In [[Sonichu 9]], he referred to women as another species. While at times it may seem as if females are from another planet, they are still classified as ''[[Homo]] sapiens'', just like men.

In his world, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful...sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate".<ref>[[Mailbag 18#He might as well be talking about how to pilot the space shuttle|Mailbag 18]]</ref> He claims he learned everything from simply watching porn and hentai, and basic high school sex education. Who would think that such art forms could be this beneficial? This thinking has certainly worked wonders for Chris, who now believes that [[mass debating|masturbating]] a whole fucking lot will ultimately make him better at sex. And, he has a subscription to ''Playboy''!

Chris also suffers from the delusion that his [[duck|penis]] is [[Giant Penis Comic|huge]]. Unfamiliar with the concept of "inconsistency," he'll still claim the former. He also has a flaccidity problem, which is possibly a hormonal pathology or [[Wikipedia:Peyronie's disease|Peyronie's disease]]. Despite this obvious lack of virility, he is still a stud in his own mind.

Chris has advised little children to play with the opposite gender's toys. According to him, boys should get [[My Little Pony]]s, and girls ought to go for [[Transformers]], all to better understand the opposite gender.<ref>[[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE]]</ref> Go ahead, take advice from a 28-year-old virgin retard (seriously, don't). In his [[Sonichu 9|Dating ED]] comic, the teacher gave boys "Barbara" dolls, while the girls received "Robert" dolls. Disturbingly enough, these are the names of his parents. This is consistent with Freudian psychology - to a child, their parents are their model for sexual relationships. Of course, Chris's selfish ass doesn't realize that not everyone is lucky (if you could call it that) enough to have parents like his.

Among other views of gender, Chris reveals a lot of sexist tendencies. Based on his failed attempts at getting girls at the mall, he has concluded that all girls are already paired up, lesbians, or distracted with shopping. He can’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that women just might not be drawn to a fat, dumpy psycho, carrying an "[[attraction sign]]" and followed by the unpleasant aroma of [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|shit]] mixed with [[AXE]]. This view is supported by [[Barbara]], who tells him how handsome and special he is, and how the girls won't be able to keep their hands off him. He obviously doesn't realize that all parents think their kids are the most beautiful little snowflakes in the world, and probably still sees her as an unbiased source for compliments.

To further reiterate just how straight he is, Chris released his infamous [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 18th, 2009|dildo crushing video]], featuring a sign on the back of his foot — which he uses to proclaim that HE IS STRAIGHT for the 9001st time — containing a crude drawing of a female body, consisting of breasts and a hairy vagina. Because this is what all straight men do to assert their heterosexuality.

== Moral basis on sex and double standards ==
[[Image:DatingEducation.jpg|thumb|250px|69ing? Intercourse? LOL. I mean ''really''? In a ''children's'' comic? 'Cuz they know all about this stuff.]]
{{quote|You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: But I say to you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.|Matthew 5:27-28}}

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is dictated by the Christian bible. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he ''hates'' [[homos]], but not hesitating to view lesbian porn and approve of it ("I like dykes[…]"). This logic probably stems from an episode of ''[[Family Guy]]'' where one of Meg's friends states that lesbianism is a choice, while male homosexuality isn't. This comment was intended as a joke, but like most satire, it flew straight over Chris's head. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he plans on not losing his virginity until a [[Third date|third or fourth date]] with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). Well, guess that the whole “no sex till marriage thing” doesn’t matter that much now, does it?

The Christian Bible also frowns upon pornographers and sodomites, both sins of which he is guilty and holds no visible remorse. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK. In his defense, he did used to drink his own [[semen|cum]], so that the seed of his loins wouldn’t get lost à la Onan (but he probably doesn't know about that, so it's still just him being stupid). It is still uncertain whether he enjoys the taste of his [[semen|navy]], or just is simply too retarded to figure out that masturbation ''itself'' is the sin, not spilling your DNA. Whatever the reason, it's hilarious. It should also be noted that by doing this, he is technically eating his own [[Crystal|children]]. He also believes that premarital sex is okay as long as he's wearing a condom, because that means there will be a barrier between his [[duck]] and her [[china]]. Again, he doesn't understand that the sex itself is the sin, and not whether they're touching or not.

Despite being told many a time about these fallacies, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is partially because he goes to a very liberal church, and any question about premarital sex is interpreted quite liberally by [[Rocky]]. When Chris has confronted Rocky about passages quoted to him by the trolls, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which is wrong by Christian doctrine. He can't hold a conservative view of homosexuality and a liberal view of fornication at the same time. Some might call this doublethink, but those who know better know it's just Chris being too retarded to understand hypocrisy.

In fact, Chris seems to consider a women sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he ever held, he announced his desire to upload on internet [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#The Introduction Image Space is NOT Ad Space (CCS)|the video of his first full sexual intercourse]]. When interrogated over the desire of his partner's legitimate desire of intimacy, he merely added that he would simply [[Mailbag 31#In which Chris crosses yet another line|hide cameras, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public]]. This brazen attitude toward women only validates us with an image of what a woman is for Chris: a [[Megan Schroeder|living, sentient sex-toy]] existing only to validate him as a heterosexual.

==Chris in the act==
[[Image:JULAY-small.gif|right]]
Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with [[Julie]], and the infamous [[sex tape]] with [[Kimmi]] shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes ''female'' positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. Since Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a homo), Chris assumes that it's perfectly normal for a man to ride on top, lean forward, and moan while calling out his partner's name.

Chris's view of cunnilingus involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina in the same way a dog would slobber over his master. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris (if he even knows what ''that'' is).

Chris having sex also involves shouting his lover's name (JUUULAAAAAAY!!!) in the same way an adolescent would shout out "PENIS" during the Penis Game — again, copying what he sees in porn. Chris constantly speaks in a monotone yet high pitched and feminine voice, without any real feeling.

Chris takes an extremely long time to orgasm in these leaked media, suggesting that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (possibly from his bent duck, fat ass, lack of endurance) or psychological (possibly performance anxiety, high expectations, subconscious guilt about sex) in nature.

Some argue that based on such leaked media, Chris may not actually enjoy sex as a manifestation for expressing love or even for physical sensations, but in a more childlike way of getting some psychological satisfaction from doing something "naughty" and "adult." He only wants to have sex so that he won't be a [[virgin with rage]] anymore, and can be regarded as "normal."

==Staying straight==
''See also [[Homos#Fear of being a homo|Fear of being a homo]]''

Chris apparently thinks that homosexuality is contagious. He feels that spending time with men will turn him gay, so he insists on only having female friends ([[gal pal]]s). He admitted to using a ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' poster to stay straight. When he met a gay friend of [[Megan]]'s, he became hostile. In his apology letter to Megan, he had this to say:

{{quote|Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation."'| Chris, "I'm sorry... *[[sigh]]*" , Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm)}}

Chris's answers to [[Mailbag|fan mail]] suggest that he is bombarded by constant homoerotic thoughts and uses several unhealthy coping methods to suppress them:

{{quote|Although the gender change would be my "rather-to-do" over becoming a homo, but in your case, I would suggest looking at women more, fantasize yourself with their breasts and pussys [sic]; do this continuously. Hypnotize yourself; every time you have a homo thought, you will feel like you are being shocked by lightning and that it really hurts. And every time you fantasize women, breasts and pussy, you will feel calm, relaxed and good. But DO NOT hurt yourself physically for real; that would be really bad. In other words, you would be reprogramming your brain. | Chris, [[Mailbag 3]]}}

{{quote|First off, should such images enter your mind at random, just stop yourself. I have had this problem too. I would take all such images when they enter my mind and just delete them; I imagine, in my mind, rolling them all into a ball, shrinking it down, and tossing them into a garbage can that links to my Stomach through a direct bodily vein. I imagine the feeling of it falling through the vein and making its splash landing into the stomach acid and dissolving; gone forever. | Chris, [[Mailbag 4]]}}

In an [[IRC (02 January 2009)|an IRC fan chat]], Chris went so far as wanting to make homosexuality illegal:
{{quote|if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [sic] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls".|Chris, 02 January 09, 11:59}}

When asked how he would go about this, he commented that homosexuals would be "taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts[itutes]" and that "prisons will no longer be divided between gender." Take a moment to consider how twisted that would be. He justifies this by saying that "it's bad enough they're mostly jerks, plus homo men are AGAINST God's will." Apparently lazy, greedy, sexually lascivious, vengeful retards who wish damnation upon others are all part of God's divine plan.

Chris also believes his "straight" blood could be used to engineer some kind of anti-gay vaccine:

{{quote|Spoiler Alert: In the comic, during my time in the void, I end up at a later year when scientists have truly isolated the Homo Gene, and needed to isolate the Straight Gene to make the Vaccine. I Personally Volunter [sic] a bit of my blood, they find the Straight Gene, and I take a couple of syringes with me back into the void on my trek back to my time. Guess who will be the first to be injected and transformed back to his past self Permanently... [[Reldnahc]]. I took two syringes for in case one of them breaks or gets lost.| Chris, [[Mailbag 1]]}}

The true irony of Chris' homophobia lies in his own logic. Chris hates [[Jerks|every male on the face of the earth]] save his [[Bob Chandler|father]] due to numerous rejections from women, under the guise of them already having boyfriends. [[Dating education|Completely confident]] that he is a perfect Adonis and that there must be some other reason women reject him, Chris took their statements to heart and came up with the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]]. Now, if the the entire gay community were strapped down and tortured into being straight, Chris' already pathetically slim chances of finding a [[Boyfriend-Free Girl]] rocket down another notch, increasing the manchild's chances of dying alone, and the Gene Pool taking a step forward.

TL;DR: Chris want to force all men into being straight, even though it would be a step back for rational society, and — even by his own standards — bad for him.

==Is Chris asexual?==
There is a possibility that Chris is asexual, and only emphasizes his being STRAIGHT due to the overwhelming portrayal in the media of men being sexually active and heterosexual. This could also explain some of his twisted views regarding sex and romance. He genuinely could not understand the appeal of most sexual activity, and just "goes through the motions." This would also explain why it appears as if he's uncontrollably horny all the time, as being fixated on sex with females means he's a straight adult. He also seems to have the perception that sex is a rite of passage, and that you cannot be regarded as an adult until you lose your virginity.

* He has the idea he must "maintain" his straightness, much like how he must regularly change the oil in the [[Son-Chu|Sonichu-mobile]]. While it could be that he is a homo deep down inside, it can also be argued that he has no major sexual compulsions of any kind, and is just trying to induce them through [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|external sources]]. Why else would he have to try so hard?

* According to himself, Chris only masturbates twice a week, and states that it's only to keep his "[[Mass debating#Frequency|hormones under control]]," while most men masturbate daily, sometimes more.

* Chris did not discover masturbation until the age of 16, while most men figure it out once they hit puberty (around 11). Which would mean that either he had no libido or sexual interest in girls... or he's too stupid to figure out how to diddle himself. 16 was also the age where he pretty much discovered sex, not through physical sensation, but through an external source, in this case HBO's softcore films.

* Chris's interest in finding a [[sweetheart]] appears to have been spurred on by a desire for companionship, as opposed to a desire for a sexual relationship. This is supported by his constant emphasis on being "lonely," as well as requiring his heartsweet to be "caring and compassionate" (which is both ironic and stupid, as he wouldn't be able to reciprocate any companionship received, and who would want to be in a relationship with someone who ''isn't'' "caring and compassionate"?).

* Going with the above, in the ''[[Story of My Love Quest Days]]'', Christian states that he does not want a girlfriend for "hanky panky" but instead: "I need a Girlfriend, ''Solely'' for LOVE and TRUST!" [Emphasis added] Then again, this could just be his attempt at looking gentlemanly, and totally ''not'' perverted and sexist.

* While his creepy attempts at touching/kissing [[Megan]] and [[Emily|other]] [[kacey|girls]] would indicate some form of sexuality, it could be part of his limited perception of what it means to be a sexually active adult, or just pure and simple attempts at being straight under the rationale that if he does this to a woman, this makes him not a homo. He's not trying to molest girls and chase them around with a sign out of sexual desire, but rather out of a desire to be seen as either "straight" and/or "adult".

However, one should consider the fact that some autistics simply do not understand sexual attraction (for example, autistic and hugbox inventor [[Wikipedia:Temple Grandin|Temple Grandin]] chooses to be celibate because she admits that she really does not understand sexual attraction and that she lacks the ability, as a consequence of her autism, to engage in a sexual relationship). Chris could very well not be genuinely interested in sex not due to asexuality, but because he genuinely does not understand why two people would want to get together and have sexual intercourse, aside from the fact he's seen people in the media do it and that he thinks that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a [[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles|big boy]]. Just wait until he finds out that's not the definition of adulthood, that growing up brings things like responsibility, along with the expectation that you'll be able to support yourself and others, and have meaningful relationships. Don't worry, he won't. He never learns.

When asked about it in the [[Mailbag 26#Chris and asexuality|mailbag]], Chris clarifies that he "[gets] an ERECTION when [he sees] WOMEN STRIPPING, or are already NAKED." The letter in question didn't actually ask whether or not Chris himself is asexual, but rather his opinion on asexual people.

==Pedophilia==
[[Image:ChrisChanDamageControl.jpg|thumb|right|250px|"I AM NOT A PEDOFORK, YOU DORKS!"]]
To avoid looking like a pedophile, Chris made an announcement before [[Sonichu 8|issue 8]] that he was changing the ages of the characters so they could all legally have sex (in Virginia, at least. The age of consent for most states is 16). While retconning a character's age is hardly unusual, it's obvious in this case that he did it just so his recolors could have sexual relations — after all, why else would he make such a big announcement about retconning anyway?

Although the Sonichu series was originally intended for children, he put a bunch of porn into issue 8. This included (but was not limited to) graphic depictions of Sonichu and Rosechu having sex, and multiple instances of Rosechu stripping naked. One of the most notorious sequences came near the end of episode 17, where Rosechu face-raped [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] to a near-death state after he taunted her by throwing a pickle at her. Also, towards the end of episode 17, an [[Zapina|anthropomorphic lightning bug]] exclaims "I've just turned 14-years cute!!!" and wishes to assist [[Rosechu]] in making porn for "[[women's rights]]." Rosechu says "I don't know child, what with the dumb laws." This quote is a good indicator that [[Pedofork|Chris believes the legal age should be lower.]] This belief was later confirmed in one of Chris's responses to [[troll|fan]] mail in [[Mailbag 3#Plush boobs and pedoforks|Mailbag 3]], where he states that if given the power, he would change the age of consent in America to "Sweet 16", making it "another good reason it would be a 'Sweet' age." He is obviously unaware that age of consent is controlled by the state, and most states already have it set at 16 or 17. But in Virginia, it's 18. He also believes that kids can participate in "adult" activities, like perverse satires with adult themes and making a porno, as long as there's adult supervision.

All of his attempts at a classified ad for himself always start with "I'm looking for an 18-2X boyfriend free girl…" At his age, being seen with a woman <s>almost</s> (2010, bitches) a decade younger than him would be considered socially unacceptable and downright creepy, based on the "half-your-age-plus-seven" tradition. Of course, Chris doesn't understand social mores regarding age differences, so to him, if she's legal and breathing, she's fit as a sexual partner. This, of course, may lead one to ask how low he'd go. If the legal age were, for example, 14, would he instead be saying "I'm looking for an 14-27 year old boyfriend-free girl…"?

In addition, Chris notoriously had sex with [[Kimmi]], an anime blow up doll that looks underage. He maintains that he stays straight by looking at a [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon poster]], which features said character and her 8 year old daughter from the future, and when he was editing his [[ED]] article in his favor, one of his accounts had underage porn featured prominently on the user page. Most of the underage porn from this user page, along with a few other pieces of pornographic art chosen by him (which, ironically enough, includes Pedobear… ''twice'') would reappear in the "elevator gag" in Sonichu #8. One might argue that because of his notoriously bad facial recognition, he might not realize how young they actually are. But as mentioned in the [[The Tale of the Crazy Pacer]], he is quite good at age recognition (a talent common among autistics). This obviously brings up many questions.

Chris also harbors a longing for 17-year-old [[Megan|Megan Griffin]] from [[Family Guy]], and even had a video in the favorites of his old YouTube account depicting her with inflatable breasts.{{cite}} His ED user page had a picture of her, proclaiming he would be more than willing to be her boyfriend. When he began to be harassed about being a pedophile, he changed it to say, "I'll be your boyfriend, 18-year-old Megan Griffin." Smooth, Chris. [[fail|''Reeeeeeal'' smooth]]. This took on a whole new level when he openly proclaimed a desire to have sex with Megan, though he kept himself in check enough to ask that the writers of Family Guy at least [[Mailbag 31#Magi-Chan knows when you fuck|age her to 18 before he somehow has sex with her]].

To be fair, there is evidence to suggest that even Chris has '''some''' degree of an age limit. In one of [[Chris-chan Discusses...|Guru Larry's Interviews]] with him, Chris reacted in somewhat shock when Larry mentioned how another internet lolcow, [http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Spax3 Spax3], allegedly has a crush on Cream the Rabbit, a six-year-old character from the [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] series. Now this shock could mean that he looks down on someone going after someone so young or it could just be shock that someone shares a [[Love Quest|common interest]] with him... In addition to his shock he stated that [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack|bestiality]] is wrong, but of course he didn't mention the age factor. Whether this means Chris doesn't mind that or whether he's just an idiot (or [[For Julie's Eyes Only|both]]) is up for debate, but keep in mind his own original character [[Rosechu]] is based off [[Amy Rose]], another character from the Sonic the Hedgehog series, and one who is only twelve years old in canon.<ref>http://sonic.wikia.com/wiki/Amy_Rose</ref>

It's possible Chris only cares about getting his [[china]], and not so much how old it is. Then again, he doesn't ask for girls any older than him on his [[sign]], so clearly he [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|likes 'em young]], so to speak. But this also might be a throwback from his "old-fashioned" rearing, which demands that the woman must be younger.

==Bestiality==
{{quote|I can imagine myself doing it with a [[Patti-chan|collie]] at least. you know, like Lassie.|Chris in [[IRC (27 December 2008)]]}}

Some argue that he only said that so he could get to [[PandaHalo|Panda's]] sweet china. But still — dude would have sexual intercourse with a dog.

Chris is a notorious furry, as he has used his hedgehog fursona while cybering with [[Julie]].<ref>CWC Cums for a Cat</ref> In the [[Giant Penis Comic]], Chris and [[Ivy]] both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry is still debated, with people arguing that he doesn't participate in the furry community, and probably only draws furry porn because he is a creature of habit and is more used to drawing furry porn than human porn. There have been [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|some]] [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg|exceptions]], but nearly all Rule 34s he has drawn depict some furry creatures having sex. He most likely doesn't know what a furry is. Another possible theory is, knowing the [[Chris and hypocrisy|level of maturity]] Chris displays every day, he's unable to mention the basic terms describing sexual action (see "china," "duck," etc.). For this [[Autism|retarded]] reason, the use of fursonas allows him to present sexual material while not really presenting anything.

In his [[Chris-chan Discusses...‎|interview with ScrewAttackEurope]], Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself with his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form. Technically, this isn't bestiality. They're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals. Chris, however, is a man masturbating while drawing pictures of animals having sex with each other. That ain't normal.

Chris has also suggested that Brian from [[Family Guy]] be paired up with a 'any sexy breed' of dog.<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Family_Guy#Story_of_the_CWC_Episode_for_.22Family_Guy.22 Family Guy Article on the CWCipedia]</ref>

==Prostitution==
{{quote|"In my sarch[sic] on Craigslist, the ONLY women who left a phone number on their Ad were under "Adult Services", which they would have wanted money. I tried calling one, learned she wanted a hundred, then in the middle of telling my story about Jack and my PSN account recovery with a Sex video, she hung up on me. :("|Chris, wasting a prostitute's time}}

While being blackmailed by [[Jack Thaddeus]], Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked PlayStation Network accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

Previously, [[Brian Bash]] had sent a trio of prostitutes to [[14 Branchland Court|Chris's house]] so he would no longer be a Virgin with Rage. [[Hooker incident|Hilarity ensued]].

==Chris and rape==
{{Quote|I would appreciate it if I was FULLY UNDERSTOOD as the Noble Gentleman that I am.|Chris, a man that groped a [[Kacey|woman]] the first time he met her.}}
As Chris's sexual frustrations continue to build and build, some observers have raised the unsettling question of whether he might try to force himself on a woman. The possibility does seem real - his relationship with [[Megan Schroeder]] provides many examples of his inability to understand the importance of respecting physical boundaries and the simple fact that "no means no."

Thanks to his characteristic lack of empathy, Chris has almost no grasp on how emotional and physical intimacies develop in the real-world. [[Anime]] and porn have taught him all the wrong lessons — he assumes that sex is something that just happens, and usually sooner rather than later. He quite literally follows the saying "rape is how they say 'hello' in Japan". Being a retard, he assumes that not only is that true, but that it applies to Western culture as well. He took it as a given that Megan would put out if he won the [[PaRappa the Rapper]] contest and took her to [[Wikipedia:Seattle|Seattle]]. In his conversations with [[Vivian Gee]], he professed a belief that sex automatically happens after the [[third date]]. During his feud with [[CChanSonichuCWC]], he seemed to think that he’d be able to get some if he lured his rival's girlfriend [[Kacey]] to his house, and never mind that she'd probably be able to tell the difference between Chris and her ''real'' boyfriend. This is him again believing that everyone is as stupid and terrible with faces as he is.

Whether Chris understands rape as a concept is up for debate. He claims that he knows what rape is, but at the very least, his self-absorption and lack of empathy mean that he doesn't understand the gravity of rape, or its long-term consequences for the victim. It is possible that the only reason he knows anything about rape is through porn, where it isn't portrayed as bad, and the girl always ends up enjoying it in the end.

As stated above, Chris has claimed that in his ideal world, homosexuals would be ''"taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts[itutes]"''and that ''"prisons will no longer be divided between gender."'' It is unknown if Chris would obtain permission from the women before putting them to work "reprogramming" gay men, but the fact that he specifies prison inmates seems to imply that he doesn't expect the women to cooperate willingly. The fact that he believes prisons being co-ed would reduce the incidence of homosexuality shows that he is, on some level, aware that homosexual sex and rape occurs in prison, but he doesn't specify whether integration would allow men and women to have consensual relations or just shift the rape from male on male to male on female.

When [[IRC_(21_January_2009)|confronted with the news]] that his sweetheart [[PandaHalo]] had been raped by [[Clyde Cash]] and become pregnant as a result, Chris was easily distracted from the emotional impact of what had happened, and instead focused most of his attention on what kind of domestic arrangements would result, or whether he might have to forego his trip to Nintendo of America headquarters in order to pay for an abortion. His first reaction was to tell her that he wouldn't blame her or "hold it against [her]". Any woman assumes as long as her mate isn't a misogynistic asshole that he wouldn't blame her, and being "reassured" of such isn't exactly comforting or helpful. Chris was even willing to accept the mind-boggling possibility that Panda might want to live with Clyde, and raise her child alongside him.

While [[IRC (23 July 2009)|pretending to be a troll]] in an IRC conversation, Chris suggested twice that the trolls should instigate him to rape [[Rocky]]. What this says about Chris, be it that he actually wants to rape Rocky and then use the trolls as a convenient scapegoat ("They made me do it!"), or that he is particularly awful at bluffing, remains a mystery.

In [[Sonichu 10]], Chris reveals that he had traveled forward in time and, aside from finding the cure for homosexuality, he also meets his "future wife", whom he rapes. More specifically, she thinks that Christian is his future self (of course, seeing how rapidly Chris appears to be aging now that he's dealing with the [[stress]] of everyone on the internet hating him, that seems unlikely) and proceeds to invite him home for some sexing. Chris seems to think that there's nothing wrong with having sex with a woman if she thinks you're someone you're not. Chris falls back on the old standby, "if she didn't say no, it's not rape." Like his stance on [[Women's Rights]], where he maintains he's not a chauvinist because he'd never physically abuse a woman, Chris fails to realize that there's more to it than that.

In his video [[IPods Down and Listen Up]], Chis went as far as literally "singing" about sexual assault with him as the "star" rapist. The lyrics describe the victim as a "[[Niggos|sleek, sexy panther]]" whom he fails to ambush as she flees. Then [[Sonichu's Edge|he chases her]], wear her out and, in his own words, ''"...You take it like a gal (gal), and then we pump (pump-pump, pump) ..."'' until impregnation. Then he describes his [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|bastard children]]. There's nothing more [[Hello, Juffalo|sickening than this]].

In the face all these foreboding implications, however, it helps to keep a few practical facts in mind. Chris is a [[Chris and health|physically decrepit]] coward with an incredibly low threshold of pain. If he ever attempted to assault a woman, he probably wouldn’t get very far. For the sake of all involved, anyway, let's hope so. This is assuming that he doesn't squash her first with his [[obesity|massive girth]], in which case, there would be a problem.

== TL;DR ==
Chris is about as straight as his [[duck]].

==See also==
*[[Homos]]
*[[Women's rights]]
*[[Semen]]
*[[Mass debating]]
*[[Duck]]
*[[Chris and his ego]]

==Sauce==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Obesity

2010-03-02T02:02:56Z

Lennon:

{{Merge|Chris and Health}}
[[Image:Ecp00066.jpg|thumb|[[Christopher Weston Chandler]]]]
[[Image:0839-MomDesi.JPG|thumb|180px|PROTIP: The Atkins Diet doesn't work, [[Barb|fatty]].]]

{{quote|One more thing, I AM NOT OVERWEIGHT!!!!!!!!!|Chris, lying to [[White knight emails|White Knight]]}}

'''Obesity''' is an epidemic in America, with 64% of adults overweight and 26% obese. This is especially apparent in the [[14 Branchland Court|Chandler home]], in which 100% of its residents are fucking fat. [[Chris]], [[Barbara]] and even their cat, [[Desi Chandler|Desi]].

Chris seems to be in denial about his own obesity. His denial is evidenced by the fact that he portrays himself as [[Christian Weston Chandler (comic character)|a slim, barrel-chested hero]] in his [[Sonichu (comic)|comics]] and in [[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE]], when he describes himself as "fit as a fiddle".

Another example of this was when he created a character for his comics named [[Sammy]], who Chris stated is based off him when he "temporary gained weight, Became stupid, and went to watch television at ghost command", even though he has always been this way. Except, y'know, for the ghost command part. But that's a whole other problem.

== Exercise ==
[[Image:Cwcspin.gif|right|Exercise]]

Chris believes that exercise involves standing up without moving, and thus considers playing ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' a workout. During one of his [[PSN]] chats with Julie, when asked to exercise more, he replied, "I'll stand up more". It is not known how Chris came to believe that standing up is exercise, but it is most likely that Chris is simply extremely lazy and will lie to say that he works out every day, even though he just plays vidya. It's possible he's picked it up from health tips that say standing burns more calories than sitting down,<ref>http://www.rd.com/living-healthy/8-ways-to-burn-calories-without-noticing/article16261.html ''Reader's Digest.'' See tip #3</ref><ref>http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/office-exercise/SM00115 ''Mayo Clinic.'' See tip #2</ref> but rather than use such tips to get the most out of an already busy lifestyle, he substitutes it for actual exercise altogether. It's also entirely possible he's in such terrible shape that the simple act of standing tires him as much as an actual workout would tire a normal human being.

[[Emily]] has said Chris power walks around his neighborhood for thirty minutes and claims it's two miles, then claims to jog for two or three minutes every walk. She then went on to say Chris doesn't know how to jog — he thinks you either walk or run full tilt. It's safe to say he tries to run at "[[Sonic]] speed" for ten seconds, then resumes his leisurely waddle. This theory is confirmed in [[Sonichu's Edge]].

== Actual weight ==
In an IRC fan chat, when asked how much he weighed, Chris replied "about 200". During his phone call with [[Kacey and Liquid Call|Kacey and Liquid Chris]], he angrily denied the suggestion that he weighed as much as 220 pounds.

Taking Chris's height into consideration (5'10"), along with the nude pictures circulating the Internet, a better estimation would be in the mid 200s, closing in on 300 pounds thanks to his constant consumption of McNuggets and corn syrup. A healthy weight for someone Chris's height would be somewhere around 160 to 175 pounds, but he's not likely to get that low ever again without the aid of gastric bypass surgery, liposuction, or the amputation of multiple limbs.

Chris has probably asked his [[Barbara Chandler|Mom]] about being fat; being the coddling cow that she is, she more than likely told him he was a slim and attractive young man (which he is... compared to her).

== Denial ==
[[Image:FattyLOL.jpg|thumb|180px|Horizontal stripes are very slimming!]]

Chris has always been in denial about his weight. A white knight once told him that he needed to lose some weight if he ever wanted to get a girlfriend. Chris responded by freaking out and exclaiming that he wasn't fat. In IRC, Chris has been known to become very defensive about his weight, always making claims that he works out, when in fact he just stands up while playing ''Guitar Hero''. Chris's reaction to being called fat is precisely the same as his reaction to being called gay. Unfortunately for Chris, there isn't a [[Homo#Defenses_against_becoming_homo|poster that will help him lose weight]]. He simply screams that he isn't fat, then oftentimes lies, and calls the person accusing him fat. He exhibited this behavior during an email with [[Evan]], during his phone call with [[Father Call|Kacey's father]], and especially in his conversation with [[Kacey and Liquid Call|Kacey and Liquid Chris]], where insults about his weight triggered a screaming rage.

However, during his original rivalry with [[Liquid Chris]], Chris once finally admitted he was perhaps maybe just a little bit fat, but only because he could use this as proof that he was the ''real'' Christian Weston Chandler. A similar problem arose during the [[Asperchu]] saga, where Chris, in an attempt to prove that Asperchu was a parody of himself, was forced to admit that Asperchu's "buddha belly" and "man boobs" are similar to his own. More specifically, he acts as though he ''used'' to have a sagging gut, even though he has, in fact, porked up significantly since High School. He chose to focus on this aspect of Asperchu rather than admit his more embarrassing failures the series parodies.

The fact is, Chris has been spoiled so much by [[Barbara_Chandler|his mother]], told that he was perfect and muscular so much, that he believes that when he looks in a mirror, he sees a six-pack, whereas what the rest of us see is a fat autistic manchild.

There is also convincing evidence that [[autism|Chris has difficulty recognizing]] the human figure — faces in particular. His consistent representation of himself as slender and athletic may be attributable to his having formed his self-image during high school, when he would spend hours studying his then-scrawnier self in the mirror, memorizing his looks.<ref> [[Sonichu 7]] - [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Issue_7/Page_25 "...I had to train my brain to visually remember what I looked like..."]</ref> Furthermore, [[Blanca]] was able to use pictures of different girls with only basic features in common (e.g., hair color and length) to trick Chris into thinking "she" was the same girl.

==Places where Chris likes to eat==
* [[Country Cookin]]
* [[McDonalds]]
* [[Golden Corral]]
* [[Semen|Bedroom]]

==See also==
* [[Chris and health]]
* [[CWC 30 Push Ups]]
* [[51 50]]
* [[Muscle bra]]
* [[Sonichu's Edge]]

==Sauces==
<references/>

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Dating education

2010-01-20T01:58:13Z

Lennon:

[[Image:DatingEducation.jpg|right|thumb|250px|The original prologue from Sonichu #8, where dating education was first mentioned]]
{{quote|Those who can, do; those who can't, teach|[[User:Anonymous|Anonymous]]}}
{{quote|Those who teach, can't.|[[Mumble 4|Chris]]}}

'''Dating education''' is [[Chris]]'s term for the formal instruction he believes should be available to instruct people on how to date. The concept is intended to be analogous to [[Wikipedia:sex education|sex education]]; Chris's premise is that it is pointless to teach young people how to interact sexually if they don't even know how to interact socially. As with "sex ed," Chris abbreviates dating education to "'''date ed'''," and is overly fascinated with the (alleged) joke that the idea of "date ed" sounds "dated."

Judging from a [[Mailbag]] reply he posted, Chris considers the Dating Education Class to be one of his most noteworthy "[[inventions]]," alongside [[Sonichu]], [[Rosechu]] and some [[Lego]] contraption for carrying [[Pokémon]] cards. But what exactly does this show us about Chris? [[Chris and Hypocrisy|Chris believes that he should give people advice about something he knows absolutely NOTHING about]]. Not as if this is new, after all of the leaked chats he's had with his [[trolls|girlfriends]], talking about his [[lies|expert]] [[honor roll|knowledge]] about how to make sex enjoyable.

==Origins==
Consistent with his [[autism]] and his particular refusal to accept [[Chris and reality|reality]], Chris tries to seek out clear, direct steps in social interactions where his natural gut instincts and social skills (or lack thereof) [[fail]] him. While modern psychology offers such people social skills groups which address the root issues by introducing basic social skills, Chris instead prefers his own notion of dating education and would rather sit around waiting for the public school system to implement it. In fact, his school apparently did have a "Coping Skills" class, mostly likely part of a [[Wikipedia:Special education|special education curriculum]], which he was required to attend. But he says that he'd either read ''[[R.L. Stine|Goosebumps]]'' or sleep through class.

==Intended goals==
In his own words, Chris describes why he feels the need for sex ed:

{{quote|
As I have proposed the idea in my adult life within my Sonichu Comic Books, and a bit before then, High Schools SHOULD have Dating Education Classes along with the Sexual Education Classes. In my humble opinion, Sex ED is fine for AFTER 3 or so DATES, but HOW DO WE EVEN GET TO THE FIRST DATE?!!! If I had the Dating Education back then, I wouldn't have to had suffered being a frustrated virgin for soo many years.
|[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#Dating education|Wikipedia autobiography]]
}}

He genuinely believes the reason why he doesn't have a sweetheart is not due to the fact he's lazy, [[fat]], ugly, [[niggos|racist]], [[homos|homophobic]], a [[List of Chris's lies|liar]], and an overall failure but that he merely doesn't know ''how'' to date and has no experience. In his mind, most people are single because they don't know how to go about on a date, not due to personal defect.

Here it may be important to differentiate [[Chris and Reality | real life]] Sexual Education from Chris's warped notion. Had Chris not been sleeping or reading Goosebumps, he may have noticed these courses provide not a step by step description of how to pound [[china]], but provide a source of reference on responsible sexual behaviors. Instead of a run-down of myriad STDs, Chris assumes the course provided the same educational experience he's gotten from countless Pornos. His proposed class depends on a conceit that has no worldly counterpart. In short, Chris is an idiot and has no idea how anything works.

==Summary==
In principle Chris believes dating education should be taught in high school as a companion course with sex ed; however since the primary audience for this class is himself he has depicted it as being available at a collegiate level as well. To persuade the world to introduce date ed Chris devoted [[Episode 19]] of ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]'' to demonstrating his vision. However, the paradox of dating education is that it is supposed to teach Chris things he ''doesn't'' know, while his depiction of it is necessarily limited to teaching only what he ''does'' know, which is limited to the children's book [[How to Talk to Girls]]. As a result, dating education ends up being a semester of being sequestered away from potential mates while chatting with them anonymously over the internet, until love arbitrarily happens. Presumably, under Chris's understanding of love, his characters will be trolled relentlessly in the meantime.

Also, Chris's schooling in the past has helped him little. Despite taking sex ed classes, he believes he can recycle his [[semen]] by swallowing it; despite taking art classes, he still cannot hold a pen correctly; and despite taking a marketing course at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]], he still takes [[Axe]] commercials as gospel. Even if Date Ed did exist, Chris would most likely learn nothing from it.

In short, Chris believes he is capable of teaching something he is demanding that be taught to him and others on a grand scale.

==Course Syllabus==
'''Required text''': ''[[How to Talk to Girls]]''

'''Core concepts''':
*''"Remain calm and to keel all flustered emotions off your minds when first approaching your person of emotional interest"''

*[[Sweetheart from the ground up|Be friends first]] and ''"let the romantic emotions grow between you two over a reasonable amount of time. A few weeks to even a few months will multiple meetings and dates with your friend are reccomended [sic]."''

*A gentlemen ''"[[Emily|should ask before kissing her]] (or you), as a gesture of respect and kindness"''

'''Methodology:'''
*Boys are given [[Barbara]] dolls and girls are given [[Bob Chandler|Robert]] dolls to better understand the "opposite gender."

*Students are paired up by the teacher over the internet anonymously and then eventually reveal themselves and fall in love in person.

*Students will be required to regularly do short transcripts of imaginary conversations with GI Joes for the women and Barbies with the men.

*[[Darkies]] are rejected by anthropomorphic [[Pokémon]] because Chris hates them

==Final Exam==
[[Image:SchuComic10P30.jpg|thumb|right|Final Exam as written by Chris in episode 19.]]
The final exam consists of 10 questions, the last being an essay question. No calculators. Black or blue ink only. You have one hour to complete. Send all answers to Chris himself so they may be <strike>used to improve his own personal dating method</strike> graded.

{{quotebox|
Name_________________ Date__________

 1. About _% of regular girls ditch boys, and _% of pretty girls ditch boys
 A. 10/100 B. 50/50 C. 73/98 D. 75/13

 2. Which of the follow characteristics attract your opposite gender best?
 A. Class Clown B. Full Show-Off C. Silent - Types D. None of the Above

 3. When is an appropriate time to ask for a phone number?
 A. Upfront B. Middle of Converstation [sic] C. End of Enjoyable Conversation

 4. Boys can be like magnets, and girls the metal, when the boy is confident, honest, and smart.
 A. True B. False

 5. When there should be a girl for every boy, all people of your opposite gender is already taken by some other dude or gal.
 A. True B. False

 6. If the relationship or crush doesn't work out, you...
 A. Worry B. Move On C. Cry and Pout D. None of the above

 7. How should you approach the person of your opposite gender if you are really shy?
 A. As a Friend First B. Run Away C. With [[Hanky panky|Hankey]] in Mind D. Send Someone Else

 8. If she/he gives you a wrong number, try harder on that person.
 A. True B. False

 9. To keep your girl/guy liking you, you should...
 A. Keep Clean B. Act Normal C. Show off A skill D. All of the Above

 10 Essay Question.
 From Approach to the end of the conversaion [sic], list a 10-step approach in walking to and talking to people of your opposite gender.

<nowiki>**</nowiki>FOR ALL Sonichu & Rosechu Site VISITORS AND COMIC READERS**

YOU MAY TAKE THIS EXAM FOR YOURSELF AND IF YOU DO, FEEL FREE TO COPY THIS IMAGE, PRINT IT OUT, AND TAKE THIS EXAM FOR YOURSELVES. THEN E-MAIL ME YOUR ANSWERS, VERBATIM, ESPECIALLY THE ESSAY QUESTION AND I WILL GRADE IT HONESTLY.
}}

In 3 November 2009, possibly not particularly enjoying grading the homework that people emailed him, Chris changed the final paragraph to read:

{{quotebox|YOU MAY TAKE THIS EXAM YOURSELF, AND YOU MAY GRADE IT YOURSELF WITH THE ANSWER KEY IN THE BACK OF THIS BOOK.

AND FOR THE ESSAY QUESTION, WRITE YOUR HONEST ANSWERS BEFORE COMPARING THEM TO THE BEST EXAMPLE OF AN ANSWER ALONGSIDE THE ANSWER KEY.}}

===Answer Key===
On 01 [[August 2009]], Chris uploaded an answer key to the test as it appears on the test, including a suggested essay question answer.

# C
# D
# C
# A
# B
# B
# A
# B
# D

{{quotebox|1=<nowiki>**</nowiki>This was an Open Question with Multiple Answer Variation depending on person writing the essay. 
<nowiki>**</nowiki>Here is what I feel is the BEST EXAMPLE of an answer from Chi-Chian of the [[PSN]]; Congratuations! =D 

1. Aprroach the boy 
- "Hi, what's up!"

2. Get the name 
- "I'm Alex, what are you called?"

3. Find out more, get his interest 
- "So what are you into? What music do you like? Seen any good movies lately?"

4. Give feedback, get opportunities for him to ask questions and get interested 
- "I'm into anime (my favorite is Puni Puni Poemy, by the way - Kobayashi Poemi is so funny!!). I’ve seen that movie too! I like that actor."

5. Give interest/compliments back 
- "I love your haircut ([[Chris and fashion|t-shirt]], [[Belt Buckle of Fail|belt]]. etc)! What's that [[AXE|cologne]]?"

6. Get more [[Honest Content|intimate details]] 
- "So how old are you? Come here often? You from around here?"

7. Food is a conversation foundation 
- "Can we go get lunch/dinner? Can you buy me something to drink? 
(I think a gentleman should buy the lady a drink. although I don't drink alcohol or smoke)."

8. At the food place you can expand on the themes previously discussed, such as art,
music or cinema. but allow the boy to talk as well, support him if he gets
shy or stumped.

9. A walk to [[Chris and health|help with digestion]]. Usually there's a couple of shops around
in crowded places, so you can always visit a couple together. Not necesserily
buying anything, just browsing. A bookshop or a music/video store
is always a good choice.

10. Alter the walk it‘s time to go, but this is where the telephone trade-offshould start. 
- "It"s been really cool talking and walking with you and I'd like to do it again sometime."

<nowiki>**</nowiki>Chi-Chian wrote and submitted her answers via e-mail, April 13, 2009. 
<nowiki>**</nowiki>CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER WROTE THIS EXAM ON APRIL 11, 2009}}

<gallery>
Image:SchuComic9P65.jpg|Answers to the multiple choice.
Image:SchuComic9P66.jpg|Answers to the essay question.
</gallery>

==On the CWCipedia==

Surprise, surprise, Chris made a terrible article about his shitty idea. Interestingly, the article was copy-pasted from an essay he wrote.

''Originally written for a recent 2009 Community Support Contest sponsored by C-Ville's Battlefield Ford; too bad I did not win, but I'm not giving up on teaching our future generations the basics of Dating alongside Sexual Educaiton [sic].''

[[BILLY MAYS|BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE]]

{{quote | Dating Education Classes can best enforce the Natural Man-and-Woman Pairings/Couples; the homosexual count would be reduced. | Chris, on Dating Education Death Camps, because [[Homos|men are only gay because they can't find a woman to fuck]]}}

Of course, it makes perfect sense to teach future generations dating education, because the overpopulation could sure use a boost now! Why would "future generations" need to learn dating education if they don't seem to be having trouble with it? Chris doesn't understand that for a grassroots movement, you need more than one person to support and promote it.

==External Links==
*[http://www.mybuzzquiz.com/en_US/actions/PlayQuiz.do?fileID=310722 Abridged MyBuzz Quiz version of the exam]

{{CWCipedia|chris=Dating Education}}
{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]]