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Chris and health

2025-03-12T02:33:52Z

Marliamore95: /* Hydration and water consumption */ Minor grammatical fixes

{{Needs Updating|[[The Place chats - Ben Saint]]|[[The Place chats (March 2021)#Ivy Creek]]|[[The Place chats (September 2020)#Blood Pressure Spikes]]|[[The Place chats (September 2020)#High heart rate]]|[[The Place chats (November 2020)#Chris's Body Shakes]]}}
{{Articleofthenow}}
{{HealthDisclosure}}

{{quote|Eat less [[/cow/|cow]] meat; Grilled Chicken is healthier. [[Pickle|Vegetables]] and [[Fanta|Fruit]] are a must; [[A Hike|Walking]] or [[Father Call|Jogging]] is great exercise daily. Standing helps too; play some ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' on [[Gitar of Fail|Guitar]], you have to stand while playing, and move a bit for fun and movement.|[[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]]'s [[Chris and hypocrisy|ironic]] advice for [[Wikipedia:Ivan Drago|Ivan Drago]]<ref>[[Mailbag 2#The Guitar Hero workout|Mailbag 2]]</ref>}}

[[Image:DecayOfManChild.jpg|thumb|A rather optimistic depiction of Chris in later life, illustrated prior to his identifying as [[transgender]].]]

Chris, as even those with a cursory knowledge of medicine can plainly see, is not in good '''health''' – physically or mentally. Considering his [[obesity]], [[Power|lack of exercise]], [[Christopher Paul Whitney reveal|poor nutrition]], [[ShowerClean|refusal to bathe]], and [[Tour of Chris's House|the grave uncleanliness]] of [[Rental House|his]] [[14 Branchland Court|surroundings]], he has an extremely high chance of developing potentially life-threatening medical problems such as cancer, type 2 diabetes, heart failure, [[Wikipedia:Atherosclerosis|atherosclerosis]], and possibly a premature [[Chris and death|death]].

==Diet and nutrition==
{{main|Chris and nutrition}}

Put simply, Chris is a fatty. Unfortunately, he continues to deny this fact, and often lies that he cooks for himself often. Chris's diet actually consists largely of fast food from [[McDonald's]], which is admittedly not unlike the diet of many Americans. He claims to usually only eat fast food salads, but the caloric content of the salads often exceeds fast food burgers after adding the sauce that comes with them. His diet contributes in large part to many of his health issues, as well as his [[Financhu Crisis|financial problems]].

After spending three months in [[Western State Hospital]], his mugshot upon returning to jail on 3 [[May 2022]] revealed him to have lost a significant amount of weight. This is likely due to Chris being completely unable to beg for money to spend on junk food. However, since his release from jail in 2023, he has quickly ballooned back to his former obesity.

==Hydration and water consumption==
{{main|Chris and nutrition#Hydration and water consumption}}

Up until 2020, Chris's water consumption was incredibly low, and his primary fluid consumption consisted mainly of carbonated drinks, as revealed by [[Chris]] having 8,000 [[My Coke Rewards]] points. For reference, buying and redeeming a 36-can pack of Coke is only equivalent to 25 points. This data point gives Christorians a metric in determining the amount of soda that Chris had actually consumed. In fact, it is estimated that between the 6th of [[March 2007]] and the 4th of [[September 2009]], Chris drank around 2,500 bottles of Coca-Cola.

Chris's heavy consumption of carbonated beverages is also illustrated in a video in [[April 16 Fetish Vids#Fanta: Semen Flavor|2009]], wherein Chris creates his infamous 'Semen Flavored Fanta' at the request of [[Ivy]]. Chris believed that in consuming his own reproductive fluids, he could 'recycle' his semen and protect his fertility, as he likely thought men were subject to the female factoid of being "born with all of their eggs they'll ever have". The belief in this concept alone gives Christorians great insight into Chris's incorrect view of not only biology, but of how consumption of food and beverage works in the human body.

Contrary to his previous practices, it seems that after 2020 Chris's water consumption has increased as he has often been seen with a ''Glaceau'' water bottle. However, as early as [[January 2018]], [[Chris]] expressed a favoring of water<ref>https://sonichu.com/cwcki/January_2018_tweets</ref> Inside said bottle is an [[Magic stones|amethyst crystal]] which Chris believes heals him and 'recharges' his powers, as he believes the powers from the crystal are transferred into the water. This may be derived from the ancient Greeks who believed that amethyst could protect its owner from drunkenness and drinking vessels made from it would prevent intoxication.

==Exercise==

<center>{{#ev:youtube|c7BcDvftwhI}}</center>

{{quote|[…] while my body is [[I AM STRONG|Strong]] and [[Power]]ful, I am unable to Run Fast without losing breath 10-Seconds in [[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic]]-Running Speed.|[[CWCipedia]]<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20111128031730/http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Private_villa_of_corrupted_citizens#I_DO.21</ref>}}

[[File:Cwcstrongman.JPG|thumb|[[I AM STRONG]]!]]

Chris has not had any regular exercise since leaving [[high school]], and the lack of physical activity has contributed to his already ballooning shape. Since he barely leaves his house and focuses his time on playing [[vidya]], his lack of exposure to the sunlight has left his skin a frightening pallor that starkly contrasts to the dark background of his room while making videos. Also, most fat people have strong, stocky legs, due to carrying around all that weight, but since Chris very rarely performs any task more physically demanding than [[Guitar Hero|standing up]], his muscles have withered away, leaving a body made almost entirely out of fat, as evidenced by his incredibly thin and weak arms [[Sign Destruction Video|that are incapable of breaking wooden sticks]] and [[Chris Loses It|barely capable of tearing cardboard]].

When questioned about exercise, he regarded standing up and playing ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' as exercise.<ref>[[IRC (03 January 2009)]]</ref> Needless to say, Chris is clearly delusional. Chris never seemed to show interest in actual exergaming titles, such as ''Dance Dance Revolution'' or ''Wii Fit''. In Chris's [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|''PaRappa the Rapper'' contest entry]], where he foolishly chose to dance, he seemed to get tired very easily from dancing for a mere 30 seconds and even stopped recording to take a break (evidenced by the abrupt change of position). While attending [[Fridays After Five]] for a while, he danced in public like a stroke victim, then sat down to rest and play some vidya outdoors. Despite this, he is capable of dancing in place for over seven minutes in [[WelcometoBollywood]]. Whether or not he did this with the magic of jump cuts remains to be seen.

During the later stages of his infatuation with [[Kacey]], many of Chris's videos showed a growing obsession with his own physical power. Chris apparently believes himself to be a nigh-unstoppable testament to human might, and has made several videos dedicated to flexing and [[30 Push-Ups|feats]] of [[11042009 51 50|strength]], performing Herculean tasks such as lifting boxes of ''Minute Maid'' lemonade and almost doing fake push-ups. He appears to believe that he could've defeated both his rivals [[Gregg Mays]] and [[Liquid Chris]] should've it to came to blows, and as such had challenged them to fisticuffs multiple times.

Of course, Chris is once again completely delusional about his own abilities. The push-ups and curls he has struggled to do on camera only serve to demonstrate exactly how hopelessly out of shape he really is. He's so fat and his muscles are so small that it's never clear whether he's actually flexing, and the [[CWC Fighter|fighting]] [[Challenge for Clyde|moves]] he's shown are laughably incompetent. Were Chris to [[I Got A Fish|get his wish]] and physically confront Gregg or Liquid, he would definitely [[Kick the Autistic|have his ass handed to him]].

In the [[Father Call]] and the subsequent [[Kacey and Liquid Call]], Chris made various claims about having taken up jogging. At one point he claimed to jog 5 miles (8 kilometers) a day, but it didn't take long for Kacey and her father to call him out on this obvious lie. The truth is clearly shown in [[Sonichu's Edge]], where Chris runs only a fraction of a mile and had to take six breaks to catch his breath, whereas a person in decent health would take a few seconds to jog the same distance without having to stop as often as Chris did.

Chris's downright pathetic musculature may at least partially stem from [[Wikipedia:Hypotonia|hypotonia]] (lack of muscle tone), which can occur in people on the [[autism]] spectrum,<ref>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypotonia</ref> although it is clear that his poor lifestyle has only exacerbated this.

===Bicycling===
Chris has owned several bicycles over the course of his life, but it is unknown if he ever rode any of them regularly. The most recent one was lost in the hoard sometime before [[2010]]. Chris has made the occasional reference to biking over the years:

* In [[Kacey Call 18]], he claims to have a scar above his left breast from a bicycle accident he had when he was about five to seven years old.
* Chris received a bike as a [[Christmas]] present in [[1990s|1995]].
* In his [[List of OkCupid Answers|OkCupid answers]], Chris claims that he always wears a helmet when he rides a bike.
* In [[Jackie Chat 6]], [[Jackie]] asks Chris to make a video of himself riding his bike. Chris claims that his bike is buried among junk and that he can no longer access it.

{{Wise|he would need to begin exercising regularly in spring [[2018]] for him to be in shape while in [[CWCville]].<ref>[[Kiwi Farms posts (LoveYouLongTime)#Gym]]</ref>}}

===Anytime Fitness===
[[File:Chris at Anytime Fitness.jpg|thumb|left|200px|A fan spotted him at the gym and snapped his photo.]]

The Idea Guys manipulated Chris into getting a membership at an Anytime Fitness gym. In April 2018, Chris uploaded [[One-Hundred!]], a video of him working out in his bedroom with actual dumbbells of 20 pounds each, instead of [[11042009 51 50|lemonade boxes]]. He followed up by taking a selfie at an Anytime gym of him on a treadmill "speed walking 4 mph for two hours".<ref>[[April_2018_social_media_posts#Exercising_on_a_treadmill]]</ref>

A couple of weeks after the treadmill update, Chris was cocky enough about his new lifestyle change to use a put-down of telling other people they could stand to go to the gym to lose weight.<ref>[[May 2018 social media posts#Mad at Facebook friends]]</ref>

{{quotebox|You are now Blocked. Before continuing to insult me whenever possible you should consider Going to the Gym Yourself, as I feel YOU could stand to Lose Some Weight!}}

On 7 May, Chris lamented the fact that [[weens]] had been calling up the gym to harass management about him:

{{quotebox|You Jerks and Trolls ruin EVERYTHING! I CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE GYM WITHOUT YOU HARASSING THE GYM THAT I GO TO!<ref>https://twitter.com/CWCSonichu/status/993696407369408513</ref>}}

Later, [[Emily]] shared information that Chris had been banned:

{{quoteboxyellow|Chris was legitimately getting complaints from fellow gym goers regarding being [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|gassy]] and [[Fangs|burping]] a whole lot. So he already had a strike against him for that, then couple that with [[Weens|people]] calling them inevitably got him banned.<ref>https://archive.md/CKDwK</ref>}}

In the [[Copitz]] interview, Chris claimed that he had only been banned from the [[Ruckersville]] location and was still regularly going to another undisclosed location in the [[Charlottesville]] area. However, knowing Chris it is likely that this is a [[Lies|lie]] and he has most likely stopped going altogether since the Idea guys were removed from power. However, if he did actually continue to go to the gym it is unlikely he could [[Honest Content|keep it a secret for very long]].

===Walking for exercise===
{{quote|Yes, the nature today is beautiful, and it was great temperature for a four-plus mile walk up the Monticello Trail. 😊 ⚡️💙⚡️|Chris<ref>https://twitter.com/CWCSonichu/status/1052243316274802691</ref>}}
[[File:Dead fitbit.jpeg|thumb|Chris's Fitbit]]

The exercise habit from the Idea Guys stuck with Chris temporarily, as he continued to go on walks, as seen in [[Walking to the post office]] and him mentioning that he goes on nature walks with his support group.<ref>https://twitter.com/CWCSonichu/status/1043912418198532096</ref> In December 2018, he purchased a [[treadmill]], and filmed himself using it. For the first time in a long time, it would've seemed that Chris had started to pay at least some attention to one facet of his health. However, only a few months later, it appears that he has left his treadmill to rust.

In 2018, Chris tried to sell a [[Fitbit]] activity tracker. However, no-one bought it, and he kept using it.<ref>[[April 2018 social media posts]]</ref> He did 23,000 steps on a [[Walking to the post office|walk to the post office and back]]. In January 2019 he released his Fitbit info to the [[Brony Babes]] group. Eventually, though, Chris gave up on walking, mostly using the Fitbit to [[biological clock|monitor his sleep]].<ref>[[May 2019 social media posts]]</ref><ref>[[June 2019 social media posts]]</ref>

===#BronyBabes===
{{main|Brony Babes}}

Chris began [[2019]] by participating in the #BronyBabes challenge on Twitter with the goal of losing weight. He quickly abandoned it, though, after a barrage of blocks from fellow participants and voice actors for [[My Little Pony]].

===Exercise in Jail===

According to [[Jail Letter - 8 November 2021 (Eels and the Eggman)|a few]] [[Jail Letter - 30 November 2021 (Eels and the Egg-man)|jail letters]], Chris's primary means of exercise in jail is playing basketball in the recreation room. However, a letter from a Twitter fan known as "Eels and the Egg-man" also shows that he was restricted from the recreation room, though Chris has not disclosed the reason for this. Any other potential means of exercise for Chris in jail are yet to be revealed.

{{clear}}

==Hygiene==
{{quote|I shower Daily.|Chris<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20140823175516/http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21]</ref>}}

[[Image:Didyoubathe.JPG|thumb|right|180px|"Did you bathe?" "No"]][[Image:Plusoneshoweroffilth.jpg‎|thumb|left|Where Chris [[Mass debating|marinates in his own filth]]. Note the pale orange-red staining on the [[ShowerClean|improperly cleaned]] tiles, suggesting a case of a ''[[wikipedia:Serratia marcescens|Serratia marcescens]]'' bacterial colony, a type of bacteria capable of causing everything from urinary tract infections to meningitis.]]

As quoted above, Chris claims to bathe on a daily basis. However, his propensity to lie and reports from people who have interacted with him suggest otherwise. According to [[Emily]], he reeked of "rotten watermelons"; [[Robert Simmons V]] said that he had a variant of the homeless person stank, and field agents have said "body odor masked with gallons of Axe". In fact, it might be that Chris regards [[Axe]] as a substitute for a shower.<ref>In an [https://web.archive.org/web/20140702004100/http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_2/Page_10 ad] Chris made for ''[[Sonichu 2|Sonichu #2]]'' [[Rosechu]] tells [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] that he smells good, and asks him if he bathed, like it's some kind of event. Sonichu replies that he used Axe instead, suggesting that Chris believes that using aerosol body spray is an acceptable substitute for a shower or bath.</ref> Rosechu seems to confirm this belief, as upon being told of Sonichu's Axe usage she makes an awful attempt at suggestive wordplay, suggesting both that using Axe makes Sonichu clean enough for sex and that cheap deodorant has an aphrodisiac effect on Rosechu.

It would appear that Chris compounds this hygiene problem by frequently going for days without changing his clothes; perusal of his videos has shown him wearing the same shirt for several days in a row.<ref>A particularly good example is the series of videos starting with [[12 January 2010]] and ending with [[U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L]]. The videos in question were shot between 12-15 [[January 2010]], and in all of them Chris wears the same shirt.</ref> It may be that Chris just gets into "nice" clothing to make his videos and as such doesn't get them dirty, allowing for him to use the same ones repeatedly, although this hygienic habit would be at odds with everything else he does.

The condition of his epidermal system is so poor that it's visibly noticeable, even in his [[Chris and cameras|low quality videos]]. The texture of grease that is probably permanently adhered to his skin creates a disgusting sheen that reflects a significant amount of light. The same goes for his [[hair]], which is in such poor condition that when he allowed it to grow for the [[Tomgirl Pictures]], many strands were clumped together in greasy, sticky locks, looking akin to the long beard of a homeless man. And even when washed, it looks exactly as greasy and unkempt as it did before, as seen in the [[HairDifference]] videos. This neglect will only make his hair fall out even faster than it already was.

This lack of cleanliness, combined with the state of his [[Chris's Room|room]] where he spends almost all his time, means that Chris and his surroundings must smell absolutely ''disgusting''. Chris evidently simply tolerates the horrible odors, perhaps not noticing them anymore. It may be that he has an abnormally weak or insensitive sense of smell or has gone nose-blind; few other things would allow for such living conditions.

Despite his irregular (at best) use of the shower, Chris is reportedly an enthusiastic consumer of hand sanitizer. [[Daniel Mimms|Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] recalled that he would scrub his hands with germ-killing jellied alcohol after every post-card-game handshake at [[The GAMe PLACe]] (doubtlessly offending his victorious opponents) and photographs of Chris at [[Fridays After Five]] suggest that he kept a bottle on hand at all times. Additionally, Mimms and Lucas said in their [[Mimms and Lucas Q&A|Q&A session]] that Chris didn't have any noticeable BO during his time at the GAMe PLACe, suggesting that his odor problems would only worsen from that time onward. [[BlueSpike]] also mentions Chris's usage of hand sanitizer throughout [[Julie Reveals Herself]].

A 2020 tweet suggested that Chris wears the [[Medallions|Sonichu medallion]] in the shower.<ref>[[June_2020_social_media_posts#medallions]]</ref> [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|Crayola fuckin' Model Magic and acrylic paint]] are both porous when hardened, and as such, the medallion will absorb grime such as soap scum and skin cells when Chris showers with it. The medallion has also grown more and more filthy and discolored due to contact with hot water.

Chris stated in a [[November 2021]] that he was highly encouraged to shower daily with Bob Barker or Irish Spring soap, a towel, and shampoo, while in jail, bringing hope that Chris's hygiene improved drastically at the time. Chris claimed that he was "VERY clean".<ref>[[Jail Letter - 16 November 2021]]</ref>

{{clear}}

==Vision==
As evidenced by his oversized, [[Pedo-Glasses|aviator-like glasses]], Chris has a vision problem. Judging by pictures of Chris in his youth, it appears that he began wearing glasses around the time he entered high school. The extent of his eyesight problems is anybody's guess. His glasses are often fogged and [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|dirty]], thus simultaneously improving and worsening his sight along different feature dimensions. Chris often takes them off when things are [[Stress|"getting serious"]], but keeps them on to [[Chris and English|read]]. This is evident in the video in which he [[Captain's Log, Stardate February_10th, 2009|reads a letter from Nintendo]], and in the [[Christian_Weston_Chandler's_FUTURE_MESSAGE|"FUTURE MESSAGE"]] video.

Chris may also suffer from [[facial blindness]]. This may exacerbate some of his current health issues, because there are indications that he legitimately cannot see the way his unhealthy lifestyle has affected his appearance, thus removing an incentive to change.

One of Chris's half-brothers, Dr. David Alan Chandler, happens to be an eye doctor whom Chris has seen in the past. The last time Chris was known to have seen him for an appointment was 6 January 2004.

Chris's driver's license has a restrictive condition checked, which commonly means that the driver must wear glasses in order to legally drive. Whether his vision contributed to the [[Son-Chu#Car_trouble|numerous vehicular incidents]] he has been involved in has yet to be seen. However, it is a good bet that Chris should be wearing glasses while driving, for the sake of those sharing the road with him.

In his [[CLog 10042017 - Q&A NO MORE]] video, Chris's left eye is drooping noticeably, which may imply either an early sign of a stroke or substance abuse. Both of these are plausible due to his [[obesity]] and poor nutrition for the former, and his [[Oestrogel application and Vibrating Bra, How To.|abuse of a black-market drug]] for the latter.

==Hearing and speech==
''Main article: [[Speech impediment]]''

Little is known about the current state of Chris's hearing, but the [[Autism papers]] said he suffered from high-frequency hearing loss in early childhood. Chris has also exhibited signs of tone-deafness; his [[music]]al performances show little semblance of melody at all.

Chris is known for his [[Speech impediment|unusual way of talking]], which goes beyond just having a Southern accent. He mixes up, clutters, and substitutes sounds regularly. He also often talks quickly and slurs his words, and when he doesn't, his voice takes on a staccato rhythm. His voice itself is a very severe deformity, ranging in pitch from normal to the sound of a three-year old girl on helium all the way to [[Wikipedia:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]]. It has been medically proven that one of the effects of [[autism]] is a lack of variation in speech such as tone, pitch and accent. It can also work backwards, which could explain Chris's far from normal voice: autistics often have difficulty distinguishing voice tone.

In his [[Song of Christian]] video, his voice sounds almost entirely normal and even deeper than later years, except for the occasional times where he recalls [[Wikipedia:List_of_Conker_characters#Conker_the_Squirrel|Conker]] of ''[[Wikipedia:Conker's Bad Fur Day|Conker's Bad Fur Day]]''. However, this voice deformity most likely comes from the fact he has little to no human interaction; such isolation has been proven to change a person's perception of pitch, especially if they're autistic. Chances are likely this has become permanent for Chris, given his decades of isolation.

==Dental health==
{{Main|Fangs}}
[[Image:ChrisCavities.JPG‎|thumb|250px|He's not even afraid to show the gaping cavities at the back of his mouth. Talk about [[honest content]]!]]

Chris's fondness for bearing his [[fangs]] in moments of [[Chris and anger|tard rage]] has revealed substantial dental work, particularly on his back molars, which look to have had most of their surface drilled and filled to deal with cavities. It seems likely that Chris takes about as much care of his teeth as he does any other part of his body, and that he'll be needing crowns and other painful, [[Chris and money|expensive]] dental surgery some time later in his life.

Although it is difficult to tell (partly due to Chris's [[Chris and cinematography|awful camerawork]]), in the few instances we get to see his teeth, they seem to be a strange yellow-brown color, which is likely the result of large consumption of [[Fanta|carbonated drinks]] and poor dental hygiene.

In a [[June 2021]] chat, Chris mentioned that he had an appointment for a root canal and for prep work to install a crown on one of his back teeth.<ref>[[WCT DMs#Dental appointment]]</ref>

In a [[November 2024]] tweet, Chris wrote that he had two missing teeth which had been broken and then extracted. He mentioned needing $11,000 for "transplants" (apparently confusing the term with implants).<ref>[[November 2024 social media posts#Dental and financial situation]]</ref>
{{clear}}

==Cardiovascular health==
[[File:Soysauce on fries.jpg|thumb|200px|Chris thinks this will help him grow his [[muscle bra|breasts]]. To be fair, [[obesity|he's not wrong]].]]

It is known that Chris's father Bob Chandler had a long history of heart problems. Knowing this, Chris should have realized he was at a far higher chance of inheriting cardiac disorders and related risk factors. Thanks to his poor decisions regarding his own health, he has made an already bad situation worse.

In August 2013, Chris indicated that the [[Chris and stress|stress]] he's endured has begun to affect his health, citing a symptom of high blood pressure. In 2016, he implied that he has hypertension;<ref>[[Subliminal Frequency Hypnosis#Likes]]</ref> this was later confirmed in August 2017, when he stated that he takes prescription medicine for it.<ref>[[August 2017 tweets#Chris's prescribed medication]]</ref>

In September 2017, Chris discussed his new method for growing larger breasts, which involves flavoring his food with soy sauce. As an example, he posted a picture of [[McDonald's]] fries doused in soy sauce.<ref>[[September 2017 tweets#Chris is fat and stupid]]</ref> It is evident that he has conflated soy-based foods with soy sauce, thinking the latter would be a good way to boost estrogen levels. In reality, the phytoestrogens found in soy products do not bind to the body's estradiol receptors, and thus will have no effect on his manboobs. Conversely, soy sauce is loaded with sodium, and said sodium is actually making him fatter due to weight gain and fluid retention, as well as inflicting further damage to his heart, which is already straining under the effects of hypertension. Although drinking water does help offset the effects of sodium-laden foods, Chris is too busy slurping on Coca-Cola to ever consider adding that to his daily food regime, although he has been drinking more water recently, due to his belief that putting a crystal in his water bottle will give him magical powers.

In [[January 2019]], Chris uploaded the results of a blood sugar and blood pressure screening. Chris's blood pressure is shown to be 121 over 84, classified as ''pre-high blood pressure''.<ref>http://www.bloodpressureuk.org/BloodPressureandyou/Thebasics/Bloodpressurechart</ref> His blood glucose is 63 mg/dL and his total cholesterol is 140, both of which are surprisingly healthy levels considering his lifestyle.<ref>https://twitter.com/CWCSonichu/status/1084128581360513025</ref>

In [[June 2019]], Chris, via [[MagiChan111448|his sockpuppet account]], claimed to have suffered a heart attack, and that he went to the emergency room.<ref>[[June 2019 social media posts#Heart attack claim]]</ref>. However, it turned out to have been a case of heartburn - his doctor referred to it as a gastro issue and advised taking Tums.<ref>[[:File:MergeComic11.jpg]]</ref>

==Excretory health==
{{main|DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|Piss}}

Chris has had a long history of fecal incontinence. One factor likely contributing to this is his diet. His continued [[List of things Chris has shoved up his ass|abuse]] of his anus and rectum has not helped.

Chris also has a history of urinary tract infections, despite the condition being uncommon with men.

As mentioned in the previous section, Chris revealed that he put soy sauce on everything that is not sweet. In addition to worsening his renal health, when combined with the laxative effects of his intake of twelve prunes a day (part of the same breast growth formula), this is only likely to result in a higher frequency of [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS]].

{{clear}}

==Mental health==
[[Image:Ecp00065.jpg|thumb|Christian Weston Chandler is not a very healthy individual in any sense of the word.]]
[[File:CWC Joker.jpg|thumb|Quite a stirring coincidence.]]

[[Chris and mental healthcare|As noted]], Chris has a hostile relationship with psychotherapy, so there is little that can be said about what mental illnesses he has. Because [[autism]] isn't nearly enough to explain the full spectrum of his abject psyche, many observers have tried to pin down Chris for a variety of mental illnesses ranging from sociopathy (minus the increase in charisma) to narcissism (ditto), to schizophrenia (signs include his disorganized speech and writing, loss of contact with [[Chris and reality|reality]], and paranoid ideas about being the victim of persecution or "conspiracies" – such as his delusional belief that [[Megan Schroeder]] and [[Michael Snyder]] were somehow responsible for him getting banned from [[Walmart]]).

The one mental failing that debilitates Chris most is his rigid refusal to adapt to his environment. This stubbornness, more than anything else, is what makes him so frustrating to watch – he is incapable of advancing mentally beyond the mind of a ten-year-old with some ''[[Wikipedia:Playboy|Playboy]]'' magazines stuffed under his mattress. Whatever mental problems he may have are only exacerbated by this stubborn inability to mature or even alter his tactics. For well over a decade, he has been led on by various [[trolls]] pretending to be [[Sweetheart|young white women]] [[Chris and reality|who are interested in a relationship with him]], and yet he continually falls for it. It is Chris's refusal to listen or learn that ensures that he will continue to live in [[Naive|ignorance]], isolation and misery, and until he decides to change, it always will, irrespective of whether his trolls stay interested in him.

It was once thought possible that Chris didn't feel like his life had truly begun, that he was still in the "pre-adult" years – because he remained a [[Virgin with rage|virgin]] into his early 30s, and judging by his [[Autism|oversimplified, black-and-white view of the world]] [[The Adventures of The American Rabbit|tainted]] [[Video games|by]] [[Chris and reality|fiction]] [[Chris and television|and]] [[Chris and brand loyalty|media messages]], [[women's rights|treatment of women]] and [[Chris and sex|stunted understanding of sexual relationships]], because he saw sex not as a biological or recreational function, or an expression of love, but rather as a rite of passage, of sorts, and he therefore believed that he wasn't able to truly be an adult until he had sex. Chris later would [[Mia Hamm|lose his virginity for real]], albeit to a hooker; as of yet, he has made few to no changes that will tangibly improve his life. In fact, he has been plunging himself and his mother even further into [[debt]] to buy toys, of all things, as well as a new car. Needless to say, no one expects Chris and Barb to be able to afford to keep the car for long.

Since Chris has been pampered and sheltered from basically all forms of outside influence, he lacks experience with the real world. His reaction to the real world can best be seen in his reactions to trolls; instead of dealing with them in a constructive way (taking their advice) or even a neutral way (either ignoring them or getting off the internet), he will freak out, yell at things, blame his autism or the trolls themselves for his shortcomings, and maybe crush a [[sex toys|dildo]] or his [[PSEye|camera]].

He also has a peculiar notion that he is slim, broad-shouldered and tan, and that he has a full head of [[hair]] and is generally not creepy. This image comes from two things:

* His mother would always [[Barbara Chandler#Pampering of Chris|tell him how "handsome" he was]]. This might simply be [[Barbara Chandler|Barbara]] telling her son what all mothers tell their kids.
* He has an inability to recognize people's faces, a medical condition formally known as [[Wikipedia:Prosopagnosia]] and informally known as [[facial blindness]]. For example, during the [[Blanca Weiss|Blanca]] incidents, trolls used pictures of two different girls to represent Blanca and he never suspected a thing; he thinks that he and [[BILLY MAYS]] would have looked the same if BILLY shaved off his beard. In [[Manchester High School|high school]], he had to remember his own appearance by staring in the mirror, leaving his more youthful image of himself branded in his mind.<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20140825091156/http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_7/Page_24 ''Sonichu'' #7, page 24]</ref> The fact that the only distinguishing features of his cartoon characters are hair and eye color also point to this, although this may just be Chris being a [[Chris and art|shitty artist]].

Some people think that, far from being mentally ill, Chris is just misguided and simply needs to be steered in the right direction. [[White knight|However...]]

In the July 2012 [[This is how the Trial went|arraignment]] for his and Barbara's actions at the GAMe PLACe [[28_October_2011|the previous fall]], Chris agreed to a plea bargain, avoiding felony charges and jail time in exchange for, among other things, "mandatory psychological treatment and evaluation," which meant that Chris was forced to undergo legitimate psychiatric treatment (as opposed to simply seeing [[Rocky Shoemaker|an un-certified pastoral "counselor"]]), or risk being imprisoned. Given that most, if not all of the problems described above persist in some form or another to this day, it seems that Chris reacted to psychiatric treatment in much the same way he reacted to the education system, as it seems that, whatever his psychiatrist said, he took none of it in, probably taking out his [[Chris and his ego|anger at being forced to obey the law]] on the psychiatrist by simply refusing to co-operate.

Chris began listening to [[Subliminal Frequency Hypnosis]] videos on YouTube in 2016. On 29 June, he uploaded [[Announcement 06292016|Announcement 06292016-2]], in which he claimed that the music cured his autism:

{{quotebox|Hey [[fans]], I forgot one thing to mention. I have- I've actually been on a- subliminal project, as a lot of you- or some of you- might have been... aware of, through my history or whatever... That I try to keep private amongst my YouTube settings.

But I have been enjoying for the past 3 months the "Get Rid of Autism" subliminal. [[Naive|The one that actually works]] in three months so less than [''stutters''] three times per day. 36 times.

I have been doin' that I've actually found myself more mentally capable. I don't- I do not blank out as much, I feel a little bit [[Slow-in-the-minds|faster]] in mental processing... Aaand I feel a whole lot better so with that [''puts out hands''] I'm essentially [[Autism#Autism cured?|cured of autism]]. Oh and also I actually have been able to socialize better out in public, so that's another good deal right there.

I'm gonna put the link underneath this video... And those of y'all with autism... Try for yourself. Three- play it three times, per day... for three months. [''Points to head''] It worked for me. [''Thumbs up'']}}

However, in a November Facebook post, he was back to referring to himself as a "high-functioning autistic person."<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Hate and fear of Trump and Pence]]</ref>

Chris mentioned in August 2017 that he takes Valium, a drug used to treat [[stress|anxiety and nervousness]].<ref>[[Chris's letter to Cathy Weseluck]]</ref>

{{quote|I took a rest and some valium after I got back home. I feel some recovered, but feel some mild headache now.|Chris, on taking the drug after feeling stress from being told not to wear his [[unicorn cosplay]] at church.}}

An employee at Earthbound Trading Co. had stated that when Chris was at their store, he was mumbling and talking about things in the store <ref>https://www.reddit.com/r/ChrisChanSonichu/comments/13v4vtx/comment/jm4r5br/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3</ref> so judging by that, he's not doing so good.

==Sexual health==
Bent at a horrifying 35° angle, Chris's [[duck]] is a thing of almost unholy terror. While there has been much speculation as to the cause of this (possibly [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyronie%27s_disease Peyronie's disease] or the result of engaging in dangerous prone masturbation), it is ultimately a mystery that will probably never be solved. While correctable, the process is expensive, and Chris has other, [[Video games|more]] [[Toys|important]] [[Sex toys|things]] on which to spend his (or rather, [[Monthly tugboat|taxpayers']]) money.

In correspondence with [[Jackie]], Chris revealed he was checked for STDs in early [[2010]].<ref>[[Jackie e-mails]]</ref> He didn't have any; [[Virgin with rage|you can probably guess why]].

==Gender transitioning==
{{see also|Transgender}}
===Hormone treatment===
[[File:Like budderin bread - credit to Buck Mullet.gif|thumb|Chris believes this is an appropriate form of hormone therapy.]]
Normally, transgender people plan out their gender transitions with doctors to ensure safety throughout the process, especially if they are taking hormones (which can cause health issues unless strictly monitored according to the patient's health profile).

Unfortunately, Chris has done the opposite. In 2015, he acquired '''Oestrogel''', a hormone replacement therapy cream meant for [[Barbara Chandler|post-menopausal women]]. It is meant to be prescription-only, but Chris got around the requirement to see a doctor by ordering it through Offshore Pharmacy.<ref name=houseclean></ref> Oestrogel has several health risks such as but not limited to; fluid retention, weight changes, rise in blood pressure (disastrous for an [[Obesity|obese]] person like Chris) and blood clots,<ref name=healthrisks>[http://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-89430/estrogel-transdermal/details/list-sideeffects Common and Rare Side Effects for Estrogel transdermal]. WebMD</ref> and that is when it is applied properly via a small dosage on the arm once per day. He even managed to fail at following the directions on the package, as shown in [[Oestrogel application and Vibrating Bra, How To.]], in which he slathers the cream onto his stomach "like buttering bread".

[[Kim Wilson]] revealed that he was taking the hormones in May 2015,<ref>[[May 2015 Facebook posts]]</ref> and Chris mentioned the drug again as late as August 2016.<ref name=houseclean>[[August_2016_Facebook_posts#House_Cleaning]]</ref> Throughout 2015-2016, he repeatedly complained, via Facebook posts, of feeling dizzy and ill but failed to connect the dots and see that taking over-dosages of a black-market drug without a physician's approval could be a reason for it.

In addition to Oestrogel, Chris has been taking supplements such as vitamins. He purchased a jar of [[Solaray Female Hormone Blend SP-7C]] in [[August 2016]], which is meant to ease menopausal symptoms. [[Arthur Spatchcock]] also learned that, around [[May 2016]], Chris was fond of eating Fenugreek seeds because he believed it would increase his estrogen levels.<ref>[[Kiwi Farms posts (MasterDisaster)#Fenugreek Seeds]]</ref>

At some point in fall 2016, he finally went to a medical professional and was prescribed proper HRT.<ref>[[September 2017 tweets#Chris insists he's on HRT]]</ref>

===Un-clit===
One day in September 2014, Chris decided to get [[Un-clit|a piercing on his perineum]]. Piercings require constant disinfection while they heal, anywhere on the body, even for very clean people, and so many trolls were concerned that considering Chris's general filthiness and the fact that the location of the piercing would receive very little air, there was a serious risk of infection. In December, he shared another picture of this piercing which showed that, while it wasn't infected, the piercing had begun to reject (''tearing the skin'' in the process). Making lemonade out of lemons, Chris (now in the throes of his transwoman fantasy) noted with pride the tear's semblance to a [[China|vagina]] and actually got it re-pierced, without giving the original wound any longer than about a week to heal. Fortunately, Chris gave up on it after it became clear that the piercing was going to be more hassle than it was worth, and removed it for good before any serious harm was done.

===Self-inflicted taint wound===
{{main|Self-inflicted taint wound}}

In [[July 2016]], Chris posted about a wound on his taint, announcing that he had gotten it as a result of [[Subliminal Frequency Hypnosis]] and would be growing new labia as a result. However, as the [[Man in the Pickle Suit]] later discovered, Chris actually went ahead and '''sliced himself open with a knife in order to free the vagina he thought was growing within him'''.

{{quoteboxgreen|So, Chris was feeling up his junk, and he felt something "growing in". He believed his labia were growing in. He knew, logically, that he probably should let it... ahem... "erupt" on its own, because cutting himself open is crazy and he would probably get in trouble. But one night he was drunk and was sad that someone pointed out he didn't have an actual vagina, so he thought he'd help it along.

In the morning he was very embarrassed and sheepish about it. Chris is fucking lucky he posted about it online, and got pestered into getting help by weens, because if he hadn't, he'd probably end up in the hospital, fighting off a potentially lethal infection.

So technically speaking, in Chris logic, it was indeed a wound, but his vagina was going to come out and the wound would heal and everything would be alright.

It's kind of like he was Brundlewoman and he was pulling off his old ear and face and shit, and the beautiful Pam Anderson Christine would be underneath.<ref>https://archive.md/KbKpe</ref>}}

===Rejected by a blood bank===
In [[January 2017]], Chris complained on Facebook that he had been turned away from a blood drive for being transgender.<ref>[[January 2017 Facebook Posts]]</ref> He stated that the given reason was "the FDA saw to not accept blood from Transgender people, due to the varying levels of testosterone/estrogen balances in our blood." Chris does not realize how medically sensitive patients will be when receiving blood transfusions, and that it would not be in their interests to be taking blood with hormonal imbalances, especially from Chris, whose blood has been affected by both his unhealthy lifestyle and the dangerous intake of the unsupervised Oestrogel drug.

==Sickness==
[[Image:Sick CWC.png|thumb|Chris, under the weather.]]

On 4 [[March 2009]], Chris revealed in a video that he has been suffering from a bug.<ref>[[CWC Update 4 March 2009#Video]]</ref> Chris's voice is noticeably different. He later told everyone to give [[BlueSpike]] a cold virus if ever encountered in public,<ref>[[CWC Update 4 March 2009#Epilogue]]</ref> though he retracted it hours later.<ref>[[Mumble 11]]</ref> Later in the day, Chris would say in a [[Mumble]] chat that he has been having a "sinus infection, and possibly also a cold," and that he's been having plenty of [[Fanta|orange juice]] and chicken noodle soup.<ref>[[Mumble 11]]</ref> In another Mumble chat the following day, Chris claimed he had last checked his temperature earlier in the day, reading 96.8° (presumably Fahrenheit).<ref>[[Mumble 12]]</ref> Chris claims that he will [[Love Quest#Returning to real life|go outside to meet women locally]] as soon as he gets over the virus. Chris would later be spotted out of the house for [[Chris and religion|church service]] on 15 March.<ref>[[Church Visit]]</ref>

On 15 [[January 2011]], in an email with [[LoveYouLongTime]], Chris admitted to lying about being sick to avoid fulfilling supposed promises he had made.<ref>[[LoveYouLongTime E-mails, 2011-2012#Borb vs MAGfest]]</ref> However Chris did claim to have suffered from [[stress]]-induced stomachaches and a runny nose from crying due to a [[LoveYouLongTime E-mails, 2011-2012#Borb vs MAGfest|family conflict]]. In mid-[[2014]], Chris answered on [[OkCupid]] that he often or would ''never'' call in sick to [[work]] or [[school]] when he is not actually ill.<ref>[[List of OkCupid Answers#LevelUpKing profile]]</ref>

On 6 [[February 2011]], in another email with [[LoveYouLongTime]], Chris retold his week, talking about getting antibiotics for a bladder infection:
{{quotebox|<nowiki>The past week has been fair, but half-weak at the end. The past few days, I have been enduring the pains of a bladder/urinary infection. I saw my doctor, and he prescribed some antibotics for me. It was Thursday night when it started; I felt burning pains at my pee-hole; I only got about less than four hours of sleep at first. The pains kept me awake. Then I awoke at 3AM, and after one set of short excretions (#1) sitting on the john, I found a bit of blood in the water.</nowiki>

I called for the doctor appointment at about 9:00AM. I have been forced to remain at home on the sound experience from my mother, who has had similar experiences and similar antibiotic prescription, that I would feel weighed down and stuck at home for a number of days.

Friday, it was obvious that I felt soo tired, but I mustered the energy to see the doctor, and pick up my prescription after an hourly wait at my local CVS. I arrived back home at about near 2:45 PM; I took my first antibiotic pill, and [[crash into slumber|crashed on the couch for an appreciated number of hours of less pain-interrupting sleep]]; I awoke later at about 10:20 PM.

Mom has been most helpful and caring to me during the time. After awaking, I felt some mild headaches (I had worse headaches during Friday afternoon as well), and I felt afraid that if I raised myself up, it would get worse for me.

<nowiki>Thankfully my mother came in for a visit and talked to me; I eventually mustered the energy to get up with minimal pain. Then I went to the bathroom for #1; less burning, but I felt pain during excretion and had to make more effort to push it out. Then after flushing and washing my hands, I returned to my couch and my mother. She brought me a carton of orange juice and a carton of chocolate soy milk. The vitamins from both have been helpful.</nowiki><ref>[[LoveYouLongTime E-mails, 2011-2012#UTI]]</ref>}}
{{quotebox|As for my ailment, today I have felt better, surprisingly the antibiotics didn't weigh me down, or so I thought. I had overslept and missed [[church]], but this afternoon I went out, got some tea with lemonade (an "Arnold Palmer", LOL) and something to eat. After eating, I felt the blood going to my gut worse than I had felt it before (probably the side-effect of the Antibiotics); I marched forward to take a walk around [[Wal-Mart]] for a while. A later Aftershock gut pain shortened the walk, so I drove myself back home to my couch with my full big cup of tea. And now I type you this message.

Depending on how I feel in due time, I plan on going to the Valentine's Dance at the Key Center on the 12th (this coming Saturday), but that's still a wait-and-see.

I feel need to back off for now, but I'll check in again later.

Stay Safe, Dearest

Love,

Christian.<ref>[[LoveYouLongTime E-mails, 2011-2012#UTI]]</ref>}}

On 6 [[December 2011]], Chris claims that he is sick in a voicemail message,<ref>[[Voicemail greeting#6 December 2011]]</ref> possibly due to the bug infestation at [[14 Branchland Court]] around that time.<ref>[[Rocky Shoemaker call]]</ref> On 17 December, Chris mentioned he is still recovering from "sickness and emotions."<ref>[[LoveYouLongTime E-mails, 2011-2012#Lost Inspiration for Sonichu]]</ref>

On 17 [[October 2016]], Chris would make a post on [[Facebook]] saying he has a cold in his "throats":
{{quotebox|Well, I have a cold in my throats at its worst yesterday and today. Chicken Noodle Soup, fluids and rest for me today.

Have a good and safe day.<ref>[[October 2016 Facebook posts#Chris has a cold]]</ref>}}
The following day, Chris would upload a [[I'm sick; we need money donations; no video requests for a while|video begging for money and saying he is sick]]. Chris mumbles that he cannot raise his voice above a whisper, and claims he hasn't been able to for three days. He also says he has been enjoying chicken noodle soup, but he is running low on both soup and money. Chris presumably took a break from paid video requests due to the cold in his throat.

On 21 [[December 2016]], Chris would make a post claiming that he is feeling a burning in his sinus, and provided some wisdom:
{{quotebox|Nugget of wisdom: You work and stress often, you leave yourself vulnerable to a virus. A stressful life is not a healthy one, and I feel for you if your life is a constantly stressful one beyond your own control. Ugh.<ref>[[December 2016 Facebook posts#A nugget of wisdom]]</ref>}}

On 15 [[February 2017]], Chris posted to [[Facebook]] that he was feeling sick:
{{quotebox|I feel like a cold virus is hitting me down. Scratchy throat and coughs with mild chest pain. Not to mention the dizzy feeling from a leveled-up vertigo spell. I have soup and Tussim DM; I'll recover soon. Thank you.<ref>[[February 2017 Facebook Posts#Feeling sick]]</ref>}} The following day Chris would upload a video of himself [[A browsing around an ol' playground|taking a walk around a playground in Harrisonburg, Virginia]], including a short video intro message from a sick Chris. On 18 February, Chris would mention in a post about how the cold is still bothering him:
{{quotebox|Six Days to until I hit the big 3, 5. And this cold is a pain itself to me right now. Not to mention the [[stress|stresses]] I have to face in my life.<ref>[[February 2017 Facebook Posts#Countdown to 35th birthday]]</ref>}}
On 21 February, he would post that he is "feeling some better."<ref>[[February 2017 Facebook Posts#Countdown to 35th birthday]]</ref>

On 7 [[December 2019]], Chris would post about pain and a "possible virus" he is experiencing, claiming it is "very serious":
{{quotebox|Night last troubling still me. Up shook I not am only still. Virus possible. Rest need I. Bed in I am.

Else to everyone, want laugh you all; this serious is very.<ref>[[December 2019 social media posts#UTI, Chris has]]</ref>}}
{{quotebox|Night last you I told last while long will stress this.<ref>[[December 2019 social media posts#UTI, Chris has]]</ref>}}
When asked if he was okay or if something had happened, Chris replied:
{{quotebox|...Feel Well I Not. Rest Need I. Hurts Head. ...... UTI up acting. P waiting to. Know feeling not I well am. Yes, recover I be will. Super Stressed Ears Pachirisu Round Face to got me. E-mail received [[Dimensions#R-687|#ProjectSNT]] vent with. Expected Courtney did than better that I. Napkin. ⚡️💙⚡️<ref>[[December 2019 social media posts#UTI, Chris has]]</ref>}}
Chris would give out updates on the virus/cold on the following couple of days.
9 December update:
{{quotebox|Cold Virus update: my voice is shot. That grinds my gears and pisses me off. Continuing on with simple rest, meditation, positivity maintenance, and taking medicine, vitamins, enjoying chicken noodle soup, and drinking lots of water.

Making a kettle of tea with fresh lemon juice. I’ll enjoy it hot from the ol’ mug of my father’s.<ref>[[December 2019 social media posts#Chris loses his voice]]</ref>}}
10 December update:
{{quotebox|Good morning. I am still recovering, the virus is being stupid, but I’m psychically pushing it away, yet it decided to attack my throat again. At least my voice is not shot again.<ref>[[December 2019 social media posts#Chris loses his voice]]</ref>}}
12 December update:
{{quotebox|Hey, y’all. Update on this cold: it’s giving me nasal problems now, and it still lingers in the throat. It does not feel as bad as earlier.<ref>[[December 2019 social media posts#Chris explains his triggering]]</ref>}}
13 December update:
{{Quotebox|Cold update: my throat is no longer feeling soar and my nose is feeling less leaky; feeling pretty good right now. 😊<ref>[[December 2019 social media posts#Cold update]]</ref>}}
On 19 December, Chris mentioned his sickness again on [[Discord]] at [[The Place]] when discussing [[ProjectSNT]]:
{{quotebox|Hey, @everyone. I’ve been mostly offline for the while now. Waring Down a sinus infection now. What is the current status on y’all’s part? Also, has Courtney responded to any of you all?<ref>[[The Place chats - ProjectSNT and Opuscon789#More Seething Towards SNT]]</ref>}}
On 24 December, Chris would post that his sinus infection is gone.<ref>[[December 2019 social media posts#Chris is cured]]</ref>

On 12 [[February 2020]], Chris posted about being sick and experiencing nasal blockage:
{{quotebox|Happy Birthday, #TaraStrong!

Your day is better than mine right now; enjoy your day.

(This cold virus hit me a bit more, but at least it’s not as much in my throat now. ¡Hola!, nasal blockage).

[[File:EQlc94RXUAAQb8A.jpeg|300px]]

But, yes, even Deities can get sick.<ref>[[February 2020 social media posts#Fresh Live Stream 2]]</ref>}}

Despite taking the [[COVID-19]] vaccine twice,<ref>[[COVID-19#Vaccination]]</ref> Chris still caught the virus (five times according to Chris)<ref>[[February_2024_livestreams#Round_2_-_Media_Share_Suggestion_Live_Stream]]</ref>. On 5 [[February 2022]], while in jail, Chris tested positive for COVID-19. Chris journaled updates spanning several days about his current condition in his [[Goddess Logs]].

Chris's [[List of OkCupid Answers|OkCupid answers]] reveal that he prefers having company when sick rather than being left alone, and he only likes being read to aloud when he is sick.

==Other deformities==
[[Image:Eye.jpg|thumb|"My left eye is blue, and my right eye is brown-my right is green."<ref>[[CWC Update 13 August 2009]]</ref>]]
Chris also has mild [[heterochromia]], which he claims is the result of pinkeye medicine that he took in high school. However, in a photo of a young Chris, his right eye is green.<ref>[[:Image:0043-YoungChristopher2.jpg]]</ref> He probably tells this story so people think he's [[Autism|special]].

[[/cwc/|Some]] have pointed out that Chris has an unusually wide [[wikipedia:Nasal septum|septum]], as seen in his [[MySpace]] picture.<ref>[[:File:Myspace.jpg]]</ref> Others go as far as to say he lacks one altogether. The cause of this, like his bent [[duck]], is as yet unknown.

==See also==
*[[Autism]]
*[[COVID-19]]
*[[Hair]]
*[[Obesity]]
*[[Subliminal Frequency Hypnosis]]

{{References}}

{{Health}}
{{Chris and}}
[[Category:Concepts influenced by Idea Guy]]

Chandler Family Tree

2025-03-11T20:51:13Z

Marliamore95: /* Rev. Sidney Smith Chandler */ Fixed grammatical errors

[[File:Chrisfamilytree.png|thumb|Chris' family tree up to his great-great-grandparents|600x600px]]
Chris's ideas about his ancestry and lineage unsurprisingly differ greatly from what is known to be true.

Family members who live(d) after Chris was born can be found at [[Minor Family Members]].

==What Chris Actually Believes==
This '''Chandler Family Tree''' includes pets and people [[Chris]] ''imagines'' to be related to him:

[[Ancient leader of the Cherokee Clan|Ancient leader]] [[Anne Boleyn]],
[[Ancient leader of the Cherokee Clan|of the]] [[Anne Boleyn|Queen of England]]──────Mary Boleyn
[[Ancient leader of the Cherokee Clan|Cherokee Clan]] │
│ ???
│ │
│ {{w|Richard Weston, 1st Earl of Portland|Richard Weston,}}
│ {{w|Richard Weston, 1st Earl of Portland|1st Earl of Portland}}
??? │
│ ???
│ │
│ [[Daniel Weston]]
│ │
Robert Jean ???
Franklin-----------Hollomon │
Chandler Sr. │ Chandler ├────────────────────────────────────┬─────────┬─────────────────────┐
│ │ │ │ │
Patricia [[Bob Chandler|Robert]] [[Barbara Chandler|Barbara]] Jack Ran [[Aunt Corrina|Corrina]] Harriett Tom [[Minor_Family_Members#Uncle_Raymond|Raymond]]
Chandler---------[[Bob Chandler|Franklin]]------------[[Barbara Chandler|Anne]]-----------Dale or Coleman [[Aunt Corrina|Weston]] Ashby-----Ashby [[Minor_Family_Members#Uncle_Raymond|Weston]]
│ [[Bob Chandler|Chandler Jr.]] │ [[Barbara Chandler|Weston]] │ Smithey Yeatts │
┌───────────┤ ┌─────┴─────┐ │ │
│ │ │ │ │ │
[[David Alan Chandler|David]] [[Carol Suzanne Chandler|Carol]] [[Christopher's name change|Christopher]] [[Chandler Cats|cats]] [[Cole Smithey|Cole]] [[Minor_Family_Members#Jonathan_Carey|Jonathan]]
[[David Alan Chandler|Alan]] [[Carol Suzanne Chandler|Suzanne]] [[Christian Weston Chandler|Weston]] [[Cole Smithey|Smithey]] [[Minor_Family_Members#Jonathan_Carey|Carey]]
[[David Alan Chandler|Chandler]] [[Carol Suzanne Chandler|Chandler]] [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chandler]]
│ │
│ ┌─────┴─────┬───────────┬───────────┬───────────┐
│ │ │ │ │ │
[[Savannah]] [[Patti Chandler|Patti]] [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]] [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]]-----[[Rosechu]] [[Reginald Chandler|Reginald]]
[[Savannah|Chandler]] [[Patti Chandler|Chandler]] [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Weston]] │ [[Reginald Chandler|Chandler]]
[[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Chandler]] │
┌─────┴─────┬───────────┐
│ │ │
[[Sonichu and Rosechu's children|Cerah]] [[Sonichu and Rosechu's children|Christine]] [[Sonichu and Rosechu's children|Robbie]]

==Poké Family Tree==

[[Image:457-FamilyTreeTitle.JPG|thumb|Poké Family Tree]]
[[Image:456-FamilyTreeAndCar.JPG|thumb|Poké Family Tree]]

Chris naturally drew his family tree in the form of [[Pokémon]]. He gives pilgrim hats to those on the Weston side and feathered headdresses to those on the Chandler side, both in reference to the extremely [[Daniel Weston|dubious]] [[Cherokian Clan|tales]] of Chris's heritage.

Below is a transcription with the format ''Name / Date of Birth / Description / Culture and Pokemon''.

; Top row

* [[Cole Smithey]] / born 7.24.1969 / Likes to play drums. Movie reviewer for New York Newspaper / English Pilgrim Electabuzz
* [[Chris|Christian W. Chandler]] / born 2.24.82 / Likes [[Pokemon]], [[Sonic]], and [Mario?]. 12th Grade student at [[Manchester High]] / Pikachu with Both Pilgrim and [[Cherokian Clan|Native American]] garb.
* [[Carol Suzanne Chandler|Carol Chandler]] / born 7.7.64 in [[wikipedia:Roanoke, Virginia|Roanoke]] / Math wiz at college. / Native American Wigglytuff
* [[David Alan Chandler|Allen Chandler]] [sic] / born 11.28.62 in Roanoke / ophthalmologist / Native American Alakazam

; Row 2

* [[Aunt Harriet and Uncle Tom|Harriett Ashby]] / born ?.?.? / Administrative Assistant. Married to Tom Ashby / English Pilgrim Clefable
* [[Barbara|Barbara W. Chandler]] / born ?.?.? / ??? / English Pilgrim [[Pokémon#Snorlax|Nidoqueen]]
* [[Bob|Robert F. Chandler]] / born 2.9.1928 / Retired Engineer. Likes old music. / Native American Nidoking

; Row 3

* Carrie Edna Weston / ? / ? / English Pilgrim Clefairy
* Joseph Otto Weston / ? / ? / English Pilgrim Haunter
* Jean Holloman Chandler / ? / ? / Native American Vulpix
* Robert F. Chandler Sr. / ? / ? / Native American Farfetch’d

; Row 4

* Victoria Wynn / ? / ? / English Pilgrim Victreebell
* Robert Wynn / ? / ? / English Pilgrim Fearow
* ? / ? / ? / English Pilgrim Missingno
* ? / ? / ? / English Pilgrim Dugtrio
* Frances Holloman / ? / ? / Native American Jynx
* J Holloman / ? / ? / Native American Porygon
* ? / ? / ? / Native American Jigglypuff
* ? / ? / ? / Native American Sandslash

; Row 5

* ? / ? / ? / Native American Missingno
* ? / ? / ? / Native American Exeggutor
* ? / ? / ? / Native American Missingno
* ? / ? / ? / Native American Kadabra

; Bottom row

* ? / ? / ? / Native American Missingno
* ? / ? / ? / Native American Hitmonlee
* ? / ? / ? / Native American Nidorina
* ? / ? / ? / Native American Persian

== Actual family tree ==
Basic ancestry of Chris is depicted in this tree.

Imaginary people removed:

[[File:Harvey Powers updated family tree.gif]]

A full-sized family tree going back many generations [https://imgur.com/gallery/0BgQLyH can be viewed here]<ref>[https://www.geni.com/people/Robert-Chandler-Jr/6000000004391419048 Bob's Ancestors]</ref><ref>[https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Chandler-5468 Bob's Immediate Family]</ref><ref>[http://www.ellerfamilyassociation.com/getperson.php?personID=I141&tree=christian2 Chris's Maternal Grandmother]</ref><ref>[https://www.richmond.com/news/local/hanover/mechanicsville-local/obituaries/william-gryder/article_d1f3f188-3241-11e6-8986-bf6ec13073c1.html One of Chris's Maternal Uncles by Marriage]</ref>.

== Notable ancestors ==
This section lists Chris' ancestors in chronological order from most to least recent death. Ancestors who fought for the Confederate States of America are listed separately, in the "Dixiechus" section.

=== Robert Wynn ===
Barbara's maternal grandfather '''Robert Pettus Wynn''' (17 Nov 1882 - 20 Jan 1954) was allegedly a two-timing [[Alcohol|drunk]] and moonshiner who "failed to provide even the most basic support for his wife and children".<ref>http://www.harveypowers.com/genealogy/roots/individual.html#118</ref> In his death certificate, his profession is given as [[tobacco]] farmer.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/238604751/robert-pettis-wynn</ref>

=== John James Hollomon ===
[[File:John James Hollomon.jpg|thumb|right|150px|John James Hollomon in 1910]]
Bob's maternal grandfather '''John James Hollomon''' (3 May 1868 - 16 Mar 1950) <ref>[https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/10638068/john-james-hollomon]</ref> was born in {{w|Meigs County, Tennessee}} but lived most of his later life in {{w|Wylie, Texas}}, a city and suburb in {{w|Collin County, Texas|Collin County}} and {{w|Dallas}} respectively. He was a well-known local pharmacist in the Collin county for over 50 years. He married twice in his life, first to Mary Francis Hollomon (née Teer 10th March 1872 - 3 Jul 1914), the daughter of a doctor specializing in osteopathic, whom he had 4 children including Jean Hollomon, Bob's mother. In 1915 he married Helen E. Hollomon (née Nelms 10 Apr 1893 - 29 Oct 1972) with whom he had 3 more children including Bob's half uncle Dr. John James "JJ" Hollomon Jr (1917-1992). Bob reminisces that Hollomon gave him a straight razor "by means of [Hollomon's] last will and testament," and Bob instead broke it while using it as a screwdriver, which he later held onto this regret for decades well into his 60s because he believed Hollomon wanted him to have it as a personal item and value.

Notable enough, his father was an Esquire John Richmond Hollomon (1831 - 1899), a lawyer and attorney in the Meigs County area.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/70362078/susanna-brady#:~:text=of%20her%20son%2C-,J.R.%20Hollomon%20Esq.,-of%20this%20county</ref> More notable enough, his grandfather Pleasant Hollomon (1803 - 1865), served in the {{w|Tennessee House of Representatives}} in the Meigs and {{w|Rhea County, Tennessee|Rhea}} counties from 1849 to 1851. A democrat, he was a constable of the 5th Civil district of Meigs county in 1836-1839, was a deputy sheriff of Meigs in early 1840s and a deputy and tax collector in 1845.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/70361465/pleasant-hollomon</ref>

===Rev. Sidney Smith Chandler===
'''The Reverend Sidney Smith Chandler''' (1805 - September 1866) was a Baptist minister and clergyman in Alabama. He is Chris's great-great-great grandfather along his paternal line. Born in Georgia, his father died in 1816 when he was 11. He moved to Alabama in 1829 and became a Primitive Baptist Clergyman and Minster in Autauga County. He also was a slaveowner, owning one female slave in the 1850 slave census.

He later married Mary Lucinda Walker and later fathered 12 children, including Joseph and his brother Edmund. He died in September of 1866 just shortly after the end of the American Civil War. Two of his sons, James (1830-1862) and Edmund (1835-1865) would die fighting in the Civil War.

===Francis Weston===
'''Francis Weston Sr.''' (Feb 1793 - 19 March 1838) was an English-born immigrant to the United States and a frontiersmen. He is Barbara's great-great-grandfather along her paternal line, making him Chris's maternal great-great-great-grandfather.

Born in {{w|Derbyshire}}, he had immigrated to [[Ohio]] by 1820 and married at {{w|Wheeling, West Virginia}} a year later to Grace Moore, an English-born American, whose parents were also an immigrants from Derbyshire. They had six out of seven children survived, the second oldest being Mary Ann Weston in 1825 and the youngest Joseph Edward "John" Weston in July 1836,<ref>[https://www.familysearch.org/ark:/61903/3:1:S3HY-6Q23-PTF?i=2&cc=1401638&personaUrl=%2Fark%3A%2F61903%2F1%3A1%3AMXSB-9Q8 Joseph (listed as Edward Weston) with his three older siblings and mother Gracy in 1850 census)]</ref><ref>[https://www.familysearch.org/ark:/61903/3:1:33S7-9BS6-DF?i=8&cc=1473181&personaUrl=%2Fark%3A%2F61903%2F1%3A1%3AMCPH-V55 Gracy Weston (Joseph's mother) in 1860 census with her son Francis]</ref> all in {{w|Augusta Township, Carroll County, Ohio|Augusta Township}}. Through Joseph, Francis's surname would be carried on to [[Barbara]], which, in turn, would serve as the basis for [[Chris|our hero]]'s middle name.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/118642485/francis-weston</ref>

According to newspapers, After immigrating to Augusta Township, Francis, a frontiersmen, built a homestead house of his and his family in a wilderness place with 2 other families surrounded by wild animals and forest. The homestead house was a shanty with puncheon floor and chimney made with sticks and clay. They mentioned about the one occasion Francis was chased by wolves in a forest when coming home from buying fresh meats. Francis would pass away at age 45 in March 1838, 2 years after his youngest son Joseph was born.

In a later pseudo-historical account of events by Barbara and Chris, Francis is replaced by a certain [[Daniel Weston]]. Unlike the historical Francis Weston, ''Daniel'' Weston travelled to North America in 1620 (a whole 2 centuries earlier than Francis), and has the honor of being of a descendant of [[Anne Boleyn]] (whose {{w|Elizabeth I|only daughter}} died childless).

Francis' son, Francis Weston Jr, according to newspapers, was a "popular" and successful businessman and general merchant, owning iron and furnace company, and many other successful companies at Ohio, West Virginia and Missouri with a college education to his name. Through his daughter Jane, Francis Sr is the grandfather of {{w|Pierce County, Washington}}'s Superior Court judge & attorney William Oscar Chapman, who at the time of admitting to {{w|Ohio State Bar Association|Ohio bar}}, was in the same group of applicants with a later president of the United States {{w|William Howard Taft}}.

=== Captain Joseph Looney ===
Joseph Lewellyn Looney (abt.1740-1816) fought in the {{w|American Revolutionary War}} on the Patriot side. He fought in the {{w|Battle of Guilford Court House}} under major general [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|Nathanael Greene]].<ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Looney-149</ref>

=== Polly Bowman ===
{{main|Ancient leader of the Cherokee Clan}}
Chris has at least one [[Cherokee]] ancestor, about whom he absolutely knows nothing. The ancestor was introduced in ''[[Sonichu 2|Sonichu #2]]'', which was completed on 3 May 2005. The ancestor was long assumed to be nonexistent, but on 16 January 2025 - 19 years and 8 months later - the ancestor was discovered to be real by CWCki editor [[User:Cilria2|Cilria2]]. '''Polly Bowman "Cherokee Mother" Cherokee''' (abt 1703 to 1790) is Chris's 7th great-grandmother.

=== John Chandler and Elizabeth Lupo ===
Although there is no evidence that his mother's ancestors were on board the ''Mayflower'', Chris's paternal ancestors were among the first settlers of his home state of Virginia. Chris's direct male ancestor '''John Chandler''' (c. 1600-1657), a native of London, was an early settler of {{w|Jamestown, Virginia|Jamestown}}, [[Virginia]], arriving in 1610 with a boat ''Hercules'', ten years before the ''Mayflower''.<ref>https://www.geni.com/people/John-Chandler-l/6000000008639070482</ref> John married the widow '''Elizabeth Lupo''' (née '''Bassano'''), a member of the illustrious {{w|Jeronimo Bassano|Bassano family}} of [[music|musicians]] who had been recruited from Venice by {{w|King Henry VIII}} to serve in his court (some have claimed that the Bassanos were of [[Jewish]] origin, but the jury is out). The Chandler family migrated southwest over the generations, passing through North Carolina and Georgia before settling in Alabama, Bob's home state.

John Chandler is the fifth great-grandfather of the Dixiechu Joseph Chandler, and the ninth great-grandfather of Chris.

===Richard Baker===
{{w|Richard Baker (chronicler)|Richard Baker}} (c. 1568 – 18 February 1645) was a politician, historian and religious writer. He was the English author of the ''Chronicle of the Kings of England'' and other works.

He is the 12th great-grandfather of Chris on Bob's mother side.

===Edward, Thomas Palmer & Thomas Overbury===
Thanks to John Chandler's grandson's wife Elizabeth Palmer, Chris's 7th great-grandmother, some Christorians did research about her ancestors. Chris has three known ancestors, two of which are Chris descendent of, and other is distantly related.<ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Palmer-2791</ref><ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Palmer-533</ref><ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Palmer-229</ref>

Chris is a descendant of his 10th great-grandfather '''{{w|Edward Palmer (d.1624)|Edward Palmer}}''' (c. 1555–1624) from {{w|Gloucestershire}}, England, a gentleman with antiquarian interests who was known for his [[Stamps|extensive collections]] such as Roman coins and is best remembered for purchasing the then unnamed {{w|Garrett Island}} in colony of Virginia (now Maryland) for his plan of establishing university at the island.<ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Palmer-544</ref>

Edward had a son whom Chris is also descendant from. '''{{w|Thomas Palmer (burgess)|Thomas Palmer}}''' settled at Jamestown, Virginia on a boat ''Tyger'' with his wife Joan Jordan and 11 years old daughter Priscilla in November 1621. Shortly after their arrival at Jamestown, the Palmers were nearly killed by the [[Cherokian Clan|Powhatans]] during the {{w|Indian massacre of 1622}}, but survived by living in {{w|Jordan Point, Virginia#Jordan's Journey: Beggars Bush|Jordan's Journey}} shelter residence. Thomas was a captain in command of a company of militia from {{w|Eppes Island|Shirley Hundred Island}} and was a member of {{w|House of Burgesses}} at Jamestown on October 16, 1629.<ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Palmer-229</ref>

Perhaps notably, Thomas was a first cousin of [[Chris_and_writing#Chris_as_a_poet_and_lyricist|poet]] and [[Chris_and_writing#Chris_as_an_essayist|essayist]] '''{{w|Thomas Overbury}}''' through his father's sister Mary Palmer and her husband {{w|Nicholas Overbury}}. Overbury was known for his poem, ''A Wife'', and a victim of murder by poisoning which led to a scandalous trial.<ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Overbury-10</ref>

=== Sir James Croft ===
Sir {{w|James Croft}} (1518- 4 September 1590) was English politician, who was Lord Deputy of Ireland, and MP for Herefordshire in the Parliament of England, He is Chris 12th great-grandfather on his paternal side.

=== Hugh and Isabel Bardolf ===
[[Image:Chris Anne Boleyn.png|thumb|How Chris is related to Anne Boleyn.]]
'''Hugh Bardolf''' (c. 29 September 1259 - c. 20 September 1304) <ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Bardolf-9</ref> and '''Isabel Bardolf''' (born '''Isabel Aguillon'''; c. 25 March 1258 - c. 28 May 1323) <ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Aguillon-5</ref>, Chris' 19th great-grandparents, were a medieval English couple who married in 1281. According to a Redditor's Wikitree research in 2022, they are Chris' most recent shared ancestors with [[Anne Boleyn]] (albeit on his father's side, not his mother's): they gave birth to Thomas (Boleyn's 6th great-grandfather) in 1282, Margery around 1283, William in 1284, and Nicola (Chris' 18th great-grandmother) around 1294. This means that, although Chris is not ''descended'' from Anne Boleyn, he is indeed a distant relative. This is hardly surprising, as all humans are relatives of each other of varying distance.<ref>https://old.reddit.com/r/ChrisChanSonichu/comments/tedhwz/barb_may_not_have_been_related_to_anne_boleyn_but/</ref><ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Aguillon-5</ref>

In addition to being the source of Chris's distant connection with Anne Boleyn, Hugh Bardolf was the first nobleman of {{w|Baron Bardolf}}, a noble title in the {{w|Peerage of England}}. His wife Isabel was a member of the {{w|Aguillon family}} (of French origin), who were feudal landowners in England. Isabel's father, Sir Robert Aguillon (c. 1226 - 15 February 1286)<ref>https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Aguillon-4</ref>, was a Sheriff of Surrey & Sussex County and a keeper of two castles in both counties.

Hugh Bardolf's descendants unite with those of John Chandler (b. 1600) in 1700, when Robert Chandler (John's grandson, 1659 - c. 1720) and his wife Elizabeth Palmer (Hugh's 10th great-granddaughter, b. 1664) give birth to Joseph Chandler (11 Aug 1700 - 11 Oct 1764), Chris' 6th great-grandparent, in {{w|New Kent, Virginia}}.

A stark contrast can be observed in the fact that Hugh's first child is the ancestor of prestigious nobility (namely an Anne Boleyn and actual queen of England, Elizabeth I), while Hugh's fourth and last child is the ancestor of our infamous protagonist.

== Dixiechus ==
"'''Dixiechus'''" is a nickname used by Christorians to describe ancestors of Chris who fought for the {{w|Confederate States of America}} during the {{w|American Civil War}}. It is a portmanteau of ''{{w|Dixie}}'' and ''[[Sonichu]]''. The first Dixiechu to be identified was Joseph Chandler, discovered by Kiwifarms user Meat Pickle on 20 December 2021. The term "Dixiechu" was proposed on the [[Official CWCki Server]] on 24 April 2024, by which point four Dixiechus had been identified.

During the [[Jail Saga]], Chris was asked if he may have had ancestors who fought for the Confederacy, at a time when Joseph Chandler (on his father's side) was the only known Dixiechu. In [[Jail Letter - 25 May 2022]], he denied that his father's ancestors had fought for the Confederacy, but conceded that his mother's ancestors may have done so. In 2024, Christorians discovered William Drury Thompson - a Dixiechu on the maternal side of Chris' ancestry - partially vindicating Chris' statement.

In chronological order from most to least recent death, the Dixiechus include:

=== Joseph Chandler ===
[[File:Joseph chandler.png|thumb|right|150px|Joseph Chandler in 1911]]
'''Joseph Chandler''' (14 April 1832 - January 1925) of {{w|Autauga County, Alabama}} is Chris's great-great-grandfather along his paternal line. Joseph Chandler enlisted in the Confederate Army as a private in May 1862. Serving in the unit {{w|38th Alabama Infantry Regiment}} at {{w|Fort Gaines, Alabama|Fort Gaines}}, he fought in the {{w|Battle of Mobile Bay}} before being paroled in April 1865 after the conclusion of the war and was later discharged in August of that year due to broken shoulder.<ref>[https://kiwifarms.net/threads/random-thoughts-questions.49854/page-1487#post-10736839 A Kiwi Farms post with a record of Joseph Chandler]</ref><ref>https://www.nps.gov/civilwar/search-soldiers-detail.htm?soldierId=0AA5818C-DC7A-DF11-BF36-B8AC6F5D926A</ref> Joseph's professions after the war were farmer, shoe maker and largely a herb doctor.<ref>http://alagenealogy.com/Patriarchs/Chandler,%20Sidney%20Smith.htm#JOSEPH%20H.2%20CHANDLER</ref>

Joseph also had a younger brother Edmund (1835 - 1865, Chris's great-great-granduncle), who also fought for the Confederacy at [https://www.familysearch.org/en/wiki/Camp_of_Instruction,_Talladega,_Alabama#:~:text=Talladega%20was%20one%20of%20two,would%20be%20obliged%20to%20enroll.| Camp of Instruction, Talladega, Alabama], died as a result during the war in 1865.<ref>https://www.nps.gov/civilwar/search-soldiers-detail.htm?soldierId=C3A5818C-DC7A-DF11-BF36-B8AC6F5D926A</ref> Joseph's two younger sons John (1876 - 1932) and Rufus (1880 - 1932), both were killed on March 21, 1932 in {{w|Chilton County, Alabama|Chilton County area}}, from the {{w|1932 Deep South tornado outbreak}}.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/106731994/john-tyler_morgan-chandler</ref><ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/26986157/rufus-sidney-chandler</ref>

=== Caleb Nelson Headley ===
[[File:CalebHeadley.png|thumb|right|150px|Caleb Headley]]

'''Caleb Nelson Headley''' (1847-1921) was born on the 8th of March 1845 (1846 or 1847 depending on which source) in Darlington County, South Carolina as the only son of Wills Headley and Rebecca Bell, Caleb's father Wills died when he was just 7 years old in 1854, and he was soon taken into the custody of James Huckabee (who would later become his stepfather), who taught the boy farming until he was 21 years old.

In 1863 when he was just 18 years old, he enlisted in the Confederate Army as part of the 63rd Alabama Regiment, Company H (They were also known as Second Alabama Reserve), he took part in fighting in Spanish Fort (he was wounded) and was discharged at his home (he was on furlough at the time) in May of 1865.

Shortly after the end of the war, he settled in Coosa County Alabama, in 1874 he married Caroline Louisa Estes when he was 28 and she was 24 at her father's house in Talladega, Alabama, He would have 8 children from 1874 to 1892 including Martha Headley (Bob's paternal grandmother), Caleb was a farmer for most of his life, in 1898 he attempted to run for a political seat in Alabama State Assembly as a Representative for Chilton County as independent but withdraw and then backed the Populist ticket for that seat.

Caleb would see his health worsen in his later years, he became nearly blind by his late 60s and by 1920 was living with his son Robert E. L Headley. He died on August 21st, 1921 in Shelby County, Alabama at age of 76.

=== William Teer ===
[[File:Willam Teer.jpg|thumb|right|150px|Image of William Teer. (Very likely to be authentic) <ref>This image was uploaded to findagrave in 2016; William Teer was not known to Christorians to be Chris' ancestor in 2016. Family trees from both 2017[https://sonichu.com/cwcki/File:Chris%27s_family_tree_up_to_his_great_great_grandparents.png] and 2019[https://imgur.com/gallery/0BgQLyH] omit the ancestry of Bob's maternal grandmother. Furthermore, his biography on rootsweb uses a similar image.[https://freepages.rootsweb.com/~dougmay/genealogy/Wmteer.htm]</ref>]]
Bob's matrilineal great-grandfather, '''Dr. William Teer''' (March 29, 1837 - October 19, 1919), was born in {{w|Neshoba County, Mississippi}}, and grew up in {{w|Angelina County, Texas}} since he was 10 years old with his seven siblings. The family later relocated to {{w|Hopkins County, Texas|Hopkins County}} outside {{w|Cumby, Texas|Cumby}} in 1860, where he worked as a farmer before enlisting in the army for the Civil War.

In October 1861, aged 24, William and his two brothers James (1830 - 1863) and Wiley (1839 - 1862), enlisted in the Confederate Army in San Antonio. Serving in the 4th Texas Cavalry Regiment, William participated in the {{w|New Mexico campaign}} under {{w|Henry Hopkins Sibley|General Sibley}}. Both of his brothers died during the war; James died at a Union prison camp in Williamsburg, Virginia, in 1863. William and Wiley fought in the battles of {{w|Battle of Valverde|Valverde}} and later to {{w|Battle of Glorietta Pass|Glorietta Pass}}, where in April 1862, Wiley was reportedly "lost or killed" and William suffered serious injuries, including a shattered right arm, a damaged spleen, and later contracting hepatitis (It might be worth reflecting how close Teer was to dying at this point - a slightly different outcome could have prevented all of Christory a century before it began). After the capture of Texas Army's supply wagons by the US Army, they retreated, leaving William and other recovering soldiers at the {{w|Santa Fe, New Mexico|Santa Fe}} hospital before shortly being captured. He was later paroled in May 1862, returning to San Antonio. Due to his injuries and disability, he was honorably discharged from his unit by General {{w|Thomas Green (general)|Thomas Green}} in September 1863 and returned to his home in Cumby, working as a farmer despite his shattered right arm.

William was married four times throughout his life. In December 1862, he married Mary Frances Carraway of Alabama, who passed away in 1867. He then remarried Louisa Frances Spears of Tennesse, in 1868, but that marriage also ended early. In January 1871, he married Nancy Jane Coburn of {{w|Ashley County, Arkansas}}. From this marriage, he had seven children, including Mary Francis Teer, Bob's maternal grandmother and the wife of John James Hollomon. After Nancy's death in 1894, William remarried to Bettie King of {{w|Mount Pleasant, Texas|Mount Pleasant}} in March 1907 at age 70, and this marriage lasted until his death in 1919.

In November 1903, inspired by the nerve damage in his shattered right arm, William established himself as an {{w|osteopath}} doctor in {{w|Tyler, Texas}}, specializing in "Exophthalmic Goitre, Biliary Calculi (Gall Stones) Paralysis, and all Nervous Diseases." He became the president of the State Association of Drugless Doctors of Texas and advocated massaging and other holistic approaches to wellness. As a doctor in Tyler, he was described as a highly respected figure, endorsed by many prominent members of the city's society. After retiring, he resided at the Texas Confederate Home in Austin before moving back to Cumby in 1918, where he later passed away in October 1919 at his youngest daughter's {{w|Miller Grove, Texas|Miller Grove}} home caused by a second paralyzing stroke.

William was mentioned in a book titled "[https://archive.org/details/texanswhoworegra00john| Texans who Wore the Gray (1907)]", written by a Confederate officer, journalist, and author Sidney Smith Johnson (1840-1910). Johnson described William as "a brave Confederate soldier, a man of fine education, and a Christian gentleman."

=== Garnder E. Shearin ===
'''Garnder E. Shearin'''' (1836/1837 - 28 January 1901)<ref>https://digital.ncdcr.gov/Documents/Detail/shearin-gardner-e.-warren-county/1671784</ref><ref>https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-warren-record-gardner-early-shearin/521312/</ref> was a Confederate veteran from North Carolina. He married Martha in 1859. In May 1861, he enlisted in the Confederate army in Warren County, North Carolina, fighting in company B of North Carolina's 30th infantry regiment remaining in service until the end of the war in 1865.

An obituary to him reads: "I was not with him in the army but learned from others, that he was a faithful soldier. My association with him since the war enables me to say I never knew a kinder hearted or monre congenial natured man. Always ready to serve a friend."

He is ancestor of Chris via Barb's side of his ancestry.

=== William Drury Thompson ===
'''William Drury Thompson''' (1814 - 17 May 1862) was a civil war enlistee from North Carolina, although it's unknown which side of the military force, (although there's a record suggesting he's a Confederate enlistee for North Carolina's Infantry 12th Regiment), died during his basic training in Richmond, Virginia due to illnesses, 2 months after enlisting.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/262604729/william-drury-thompson</ref>

He is Chris' great-great-great-grandfather. More specifically, he is the paternal grandfather of the maternal grandmother of Barbara.

=== Rufus Walker ===

'''Rufus Walker''' (1820-1895) was a Confederate soldier who served in Company H and came from Milton, Alabama, located in Autauga County. He became a prisoner of war after being surrendered by Lieutenant General Richard Taylor to Major E.R.S. Canby on May 4, 1865. Rufus was later paroled in Selma in June 1865.<ref>https://38thalabama.com/ndashv-to-zndash.html</ref>

He is Chris' great-great-great-grandfather, with the lineage as follows: Rufus Walker (1820-1895) > Mary Elizabeth Walker (1840-1887) > Joseph Chandler (1871-1947) > Robert F. Chandler Sr. (1906-1977) > Robert ("[[Bob]]") F. Chandler Jr. (1927-2011) > Chris

==Ancestry.com content==
In [[January 2017]], a distant relative of Chris posted images to Kiwi Farms, on various documents relating to the Chandler family, acquired from Ancestry.com<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/</ref>

{{quotebox|Bob is apparently an only child, however Barbara has five deceased siblings and several more living ones.}}
{{quotebox|Most of Chris's ancestors were [[RandomSong1|farmers]], doing tasks that Chris would find back breaking.}}
{{quotebox|Chris, from what I gathered, is not 1/16 Cherokian. He is however 1/16 British and 1/8 French Canadian.}}
{{quotebox|His great great grandparent's from Northern Ireland.}}
The "Northern Irish" ancestor was Chris's great-great-grandmother Mary Weston (née McClintic, 31 Oct 1834 - 25 Dec 1910). Mary was born in the town of {{w|Omagh}} (whose name means "the [[Virgin with Rage|virgin]] plain" in Gaelic) in County [[niggos|Tyrone]], in what is today {{w|Northern Ireland}}. She came to the United States between 1840 and 1850, likely as a result of the {{w|Irish Potato Famine}}.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/22502739/joseph-mcclintock</ref> She settled in Augusta, Ohio, where she married Joseph "John" Edward Weston, Chris's great-great-grandfather, in 1858, who was also from Augusta. Both later settled in {{w|Clarksville, Virginia}}.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/24279732/mary-weston</ref>

The "French Canadian" ancestor was Chris's great-grandmother Sarah Ann Weston (née {{w|Clan Hamilton|Hamilton}}, Apr 1867 - 25 Jan 1938), who was born in [[wikipedia:Huntingdon, Quebec|Huntingdon]], {{w|Quebec}} and came to Virginia with her family during the 1870s, settling near Red Oak.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/35318370/sarah-jane-weston</ref><ref>https://www.ancestry.com/discoveryui-content/view/6823228286:62476</ref> Although the majority of Quebeckers speak French, her surname and the fact that she was born in a predominantly English-speaking part of Quebec suggest that she belonged to the province's English-speaking minority. Moreover, her paternal and maternal grandparents were all born in [[Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!|Scotland]], making her of entirely Scottish descent.<ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/249266361/jane-hamilton</ref><ref>https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/249027191/daniel-hamilton</ref> Sarah is Chris's most recent immigrant ancestor.

<center><gallery>
File:RobertPettusWynnWW1Draft.jpg|Robert Wynn WW1 military draftee (1918).
File:JosephWW1.png|Joe Weston WW1 military draftee (1918).
File:RobertChandlerSrDraft.png|Bob's father's WW2 military draftee (1940).
File:RobertSr1940DraftCardPhysicalDetail.png|Bob's father's military card on a physical detail (1940).
File:RobertPettusWynnOldManWW2DraftCard.jpg|Robert Wynn WW2 military draft card (1942).
File:RobertWynn1942DraftCardPhysicalDetail.png|Robert Wynn military card on a physical detail (1942).
File:JoeOttoWestonOldMan1942WW2DraftCard.jpg|Joe Weston WW2 military draft card (1942).
File:JoeWeston1942DraftCardPhysicalDetail.png|Joe Weston military card on a physical detail (1942).
File:WW2BobChandler(badquality).jpg|Bob's military card draftee (1946) (written in 1945).
File:Bob1946WW2DraftCardPhysicalDetail.png| Bob's WW2 military card on a physical detail (1946) (written in 1945).
File:JohnJamesHollomonObituary1950.jpeg|John James Hollomon's newspaper obituary (1950).
File:1956 9 25 - Bob, Patricia marriage license.png|1956 9 25 - Bob, Patricia marriage license.
File:1961 6 17 - Barb and Ran marriage license.jpeg|1961 6 17 - Barb and Ran marriage license.
File:1963 5 15 - Barb, Ran divorce.jpeg|1963 5 15 - Barb, Ran divorce.
File:Robert Chandler Sr.png| Bob's father with his four youngest kids (1969)
File:Chandler family reunion 1975.png | Chandler Family Reunion (1975)
File:Robert f obit.jpeg| Bob's father obituary (1977)
File:JerryAndBarbDivorce.png|1980 1 7 - Barbara, Jerry divorce.
File:1980 1 28 - Bob, Patricia divorce.png|1980 1 28 - Bob, Patricia divorce.
File:1980 6 7 - Borb marriage license.jpeg|1980 6 7 - Borb marriage license.
File:Bob and his parents - 1930s census.png|Bob and his parents - 1930s census.
File:Bob and his parents - 1940s census.png|Bob and his parents - 1940s census.
Bob1950Census.jpg|Bob in Jacksonville State University dormitory room - 1950s census.
File:Barbarafamilycensus1950.png|Barbara and her parents and siblings - 1950s census.
File:Bob's birth certificate.png|Bob's birth certificate.
File:Cole Smithey's family tree.png|Cole Smithey's family tree.
File:David Alan Chandler and Kimberly Fay Howard's marriage certificate.png|David Alan Chandler and Kimberly Fay Howard's marriage certificate.
File:Savannah Chandler's family tree.png|Savannah Chandler's family tree.
File:2023ChrisDNATest.png|Chris's ancestry, showing him to be 100% pure cracker. [[Transgender|Also note the got-dang Y chromosome.]].
</gallery></center>

== See also ==

*[[Imaginary family]]
*[[Minor Family Members]]

==Sources==
<references />

[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Family Members]]
[[Category:Lists]]
{{Fantasies}}

Bob Walks In

2025-02-22T17:38:11Z

Marliamore95: /* Chris Gets Started */ Added a knocking sound left out in the transcript

{{Honest}}
{{quote|<poem>The [[Sweetheart|couples of the world]] kiss,
But unfortunately for [[Christian Weston Chandler|few]],
They are interrupted by [[Borb|their parents]].</poem>|Chris, in a love poem he wrote in High School exactly nine years before. GodBear could not have planned it better.<ref>[[Valentines Day Hymn]]</ref>}}

'''Bob Walks In''' is the most famous of the [[Julie]] cybersex chats, in which Chris is caught [[mass debating]] by his late father, [[Bob Chandler|Bob]].

==Background==
[[Image:Aiko-Chris's New Bird.jpg|thumb|right|140px|What Chris imagines Julie looks like...]]
At the time of this particular chat, the Chandler family [[14 Branchland Court|home]] only had one [[computers|computer]], and it was in the [[Chris's kitchen|kitchen]]. This means that every time Chris wanted to engage in cybersex, he would be doing it in the middle of a place where people prepare food, and probably wouldn't want [[navy]] dripping all over it.

On [[February 2009|Valentine's Night, 2009]], Chris was on an e-date with his then-sweetheart Julie, and once again engaged in some hot furry sex, similar to the [[CWC Cums for a Cat|night before]]. Chris was moaning sexy, sweaty nothings into the microphone as he furiously pounded his [[Chris and health|bent]] [[duck]]. Unbeknownst to Chris, trolls were tipped off that he was mass debating and were dedicated to having Chris experience an awkward moment that would require Bob to see his son stroking his pickle, yelling like a horny [[Slow-in-the-minds|slow-in-the-mind]]. Four calls were made, the first three failing as Bob told them that Chris was "sleeping" (even though Chris was screaming "JULAAAAY" at the time). [[Miscreants]] agent [[Trolls#Bryan_Bash|Bryan Bash]] provided the final call, stating "OH MY GOD, CHRIS MADE A VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND SAID HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF! YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!".

Within seconds, Bob dropped the phone, ran up the stairs, and walked into his son's most intimate moment, being justifiably horrified. In a rare moment of parental authority, he threatened to punish Chris by "cuttin' [[Chris and the Internet|the Internet]] down right now." Chris, used to having things his way throughout his whole life, was appalled, confused, and no longer aroused. The recording ends after Bob's many futile attempts to shut down the computer finally succeed.

This can be considered the pinnacle of the ongoing CWC saga, as it represents a moment where Chris actually feels negative repercussions for his Internet behavior. It contains many memorable lines and is the height of emotional drama.

Julie's side of this erotic scene can be read [[BlueSpike Skype Logs 8|here]].

== Prelude ==
The following is Chris's phone sex session with Julie prior to Bob walking in. Throughout this whole audio, Chris bangs into stuff and whacks his keyboard while mass debating and making slurping sounds, suggesting Chris fails at performing even imaginary cunnilingus. If you value your sanity, it is advised that you do not read this transcript because Chris's session is supposedly sexy, but in all fairness, just isn't.

=== Chris Gets Started ===
Hey, Julie! [[Molvanîa|Zlkavszka]]. Ah yeah, good, you're on me. Alright, alright... you do that, mmmm. [''Two Windows beeps and several licking sounds''] Oh... [''rustling, possibly taking off clothes; five rapid Windows beeps''] Ooooh...! Oh-ho-ho! Alright, yeah, I'm [''indistinct''] clothes.

Ok. Yep, I'm lying on the bed... do what you will...mmkay. Ahhhhh...I could take a good guess... very horny. Believe me, I've been very horny... before. [''knocking sound''] Ohhh! Hhhh...oh my...oh my...mmmm...actually, I'm breathing okay...mmm...oh yeah. Cause is--cause it got stiff...for you. Mmmmm...ahhh, ahhh yeah. Mmm...''(spits on his hands)''...mmm.

Okay, I'm licking your pussy while you're sitting on my face. Oh boy...hhhh...mmmmm...mmmm...oh...okay, but you know, just so you know, I learned that farts- farts on one's face causes [[heterochromia|pink-eye]]. Ali- alri- alright, I'll let it go this time. I don't touch my eyes all that much anyway, but this time yeah....

''(Begins fapping)'' Oh yeah. ''(slurp slurp slurp smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh yeah... mmmm.... Oh yeah. ''(smack smack smack)'' mmmm... mmm... ''(slurp slurp slurp)'' Oh... mmm... You're facing mine as well. Oh boy, yeahhhh... that's good. Mmm. Mmmm... ''(smack smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh... ''(fapping gets louder)'' Mmm!

=== Adventures in China ===
''(Sporadic Windows beeping throughout)'' Mmm... Oh yeah... Mmm... ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmm... mmmmmmmm... Meeee-yeowww. mmm... ahhh, that's fine. ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmmm... ''(faps even harder, colliding into objects) Mmm...'' I was kind of expecting this myself. ''(faps even harder'') Yeah... So do I... mmmm... ''(fapping is quite loud at this point)'' Ahhhh! MMm... ''(phone rings)'' Mmm... Mmmm... I love you too, Julie... you are, you are...

It's very good. Mmm... Ohhhh yeah, it's awesome... Awesome. Ah... ah yeah... ''(fapping speeds up)'' Mmm... Go ahead, be rougher, rougher... Mmmm... Ahhh... MMm... Oh yeah... mmm... Oh yeah, yeah... Oh YEAH, Julie, Julieeeeeeee, Julie!!! mmmh... ahhh... JULAYYYYYYYY! JULayyyyyyyy, JULAaaaay... JULAY!!!! Julay... JULaaAaaAaaaAaaaAaAAAAAYY!!! ''(phone rings)'' Jullayyyy... ''(phone rings again)'' Mmm... ah, don't worry about that, my father will get it... he got it.... Continue. Mm... Julie... JULAAAAAY... Julaaaaaaaaah.

Oh yeah... oh yeah... oh yeah... mmm... oh... mmm?? ''(phone rings)'' mmm... get on me... I want... to be INSIDE YOU!... Oh yeah... not yet... mmm. ''(smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' Pump it in? mmmf... ah... oh yeah... no problem... ahhhh... mmmm YEAH!! mmmf... ''(faps very hard)'' ahh... mmmm... oh yeah... oooooh yeah... ah! yeah... yeaahhh!!! mmmf... (breathing heavily, bangs into something while fapping) mmm... ''(phone rings)'' mmm... no it's okay, my father will get it, don't worry about it... keep going... it's already been got... please, I'm getting close myself... C'mon Julie... mmf... ahhh... mmm... mmm... oh yeah...

''(Bob walks in at this point, about 17 minutes and 56 seconds in. Chris stops masturbating.)''

==The Climax==
{{quote|Get away from the Internet, I'm cuttin' it down right now!|Bob "The Internet Lumberjack" Chandler}}
{{quote|NO DAD, NO!|Chris, during [[Hanky-panky|Goofy Time]].}}

<center>
{{#ev:youtube|oRIfhNPolVc}}
</center>

[[Image:BobWalksInComic.png|thumb|right|140px|Artists depiction of the event.]]

=== Transcript ===
'''Bob''': Christian, what are you doing?
 '''Chris''': [''immediately stops fapping, but knocks several things over''] Nothing.
 '''Bob''': I’m getting all these crazy damn calls. What're you doing?
 '''Chris''': Nothing.
 '''Bob''': Don't give me that crap. Now, what’s going on?
 '''Chris''': Dad, will you get out of here!?
 '''Bob''': No. [''string of Windows beeps''] I will not. [[Bryan Bash|People]] tell me that you’re about to kill yourself on [[YouTube]].
 '''Chris''': What?!
 '''Bob''': What are you doing?
 '''Chris''': I'm not doin' anything.
 '''Bob''': Want me to wake your mother up and find out?
 '''Chris''': No...
 '''Bob''': Then, get out of here, and off that Internet.
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': What is your trouble?
 '''Chris''': I am NOT going to kill myself!
 '''Bob''': Get away from that TV.
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': Get away from the Internet, I'm cuttin' it down, right now!
 '''Chris''': NO! DAD, NO!
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': What are you doin'?
 
 [''long pause, what sounds like the kitchen sink running, keys clicking on the keyboard, then a single Windows beep'']
 
 '''Chris''': Don't do it, Dad.
 '''Bob''': I’m gonna shut this thing right down.
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No! [''pause''] Dad, no. Stop!
 '''Bob''': Go wake your mother up, don’t bother me. Okay? [''pause''] Go and wake your mother up! Don’t bother me!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': Go and wake your mother up!
 '''Chris''': [''[[stress sigh]]'']
 '''Bob''': You tell mm--her what’s going on. This thing is gonna go down.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': Yes!

==External links==
*[https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B6mRSOBYFcaBcjVEeWlabjZnX00 Download (audio only)] [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1xs1UTcjO88dsq5TPIhcG4l0NGSOjnvot/view?usp=sharing Archive]

{{References}}
{{JulieSaga}}
{{FanChats}}
[[Category:Julie Saga]]

Father Call

2025-02-05T20:41:28Z

Marliamore95: Included possibility of Matthew's palilalia as well as noting where it comes up in the call

{{Troll}}
{{Protip|Matthew was not [[Liquid Chris]], it was in reality a minor troll who was asked to do the role.}}
[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

The '''Father Call''' is a [[Phone calls|phone call]] that occurred on 4 [[November 2009]]. In this call, [[Christian Weston Chandler|Solid Chris]] spends 2 hours on the phone with '''Matthew Devoria''' (born [[1957]]), the father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]], and a retired {{w|United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine}} who served in the {{w|Gulf War}}. Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the dad of his sweetheart by boasting of his now-legendary [[honest]]y, before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.

Their conversation is illuminating. What follows is probably the bluntest personal assessment Chris has ever received to date: Matt berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and his ego|egotism]], [[Chris and kindness|lack of empathy]], [[Chris and reality|inability to grow up]], [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[obesity]], [[Women's rights|treatment of Kacey]] and general failure at life. To this day, Chris has never taken any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart; throughout the call he retorts by saying that he leads a hard life, which includes such laborious tasks as doing menial [[chores]], [[CWC Fighter|mowing the lawn]] and ''[[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]''. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and shoving [[Barbara Chandler|vegetables]] [[Homos|down his throat]].

After being berated with insults for two hours (or so he says), Chris became increasingly more [[stress]]ed, frequently making insensitive statements towards Matthew. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her relationship and go back to [[Liquid Chris]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which, to put it bluntly, ended equally as poorly.

==Summary==
* Throughout the call, ''Portal'' is occasionally heard in the background, as well as constant typing sounds every so often. A turret from the game can briefly be heard at approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes in.
* A couple times, Matthew whispers portions of his sentences after saying them, in a possible exhibition of [[Wikipedia:palilalia|palilalia]]. Palilalia often appears in individuals with autism or other developmental disabilities.
* Chris [[Stress sigh|sighs]] constantly during the call – to the point where Matthew points out the constant sighing ''3 times''.
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious-sounding claims about his weightlifting prowess, saying he [[11042009 51 50|just got done lifting 50 pounds]] 51 times with each arm, a total of 102 reps according to Chris. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, and instead hands the phone over to her father, Matthew.
* Before she hands the phone over, however, Kacey claims she has to lift at least 100 pounds for her job. Chris does not question how or why a waitress would have to lift that many pounds.
* Matt starts out being fairly civil toward Chris, though it's immediately obvious that he doesn't have much respect for him. Matt begins by calling out Chris on his [[Chris and work|underwhelming employment record]], and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a [[Pokémon]] Gym Leader/babysitter seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding [[monthly tugboat]]. Matt asks if any hypothetical children (or "[[Slow-in-the-minds|'tard babies]]", as he says) of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic, and while Chris denies that they would be, Matt checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris lies during the call, and while Matt goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous the next time Chris does it.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]]. Not only does Matt consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be [[Wikipedia:False Prophet|blasphemous]], but he also doesn't even like Crystal as a name and believes it's more appropriate for a [[Little Tomboy Blue|stripper]], or [[wikipedia:Cristal (wine)|an expensive brand of]] [[Alcohol|champagne]]. Chris corrects him with the pronunciation of the name to not sound like a stripper, "Chris-tul", not "Chris-tal" (he also misspells the name). Chris ignores the fact that Kacey does not like the name that much either, as Matthew points out.
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey [[Women's rights|for her looks]], he is questioned on why the great and powerful Liquid was impersonating him. Solid's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''. Matt is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on ''Sonichu'', before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years. Matthew commits a potentially damaging mistake when he points out that Sega owns the rights to Sonic the Hedgehog, despite having earlier claimed not to know anything about the character, leading to him clumsily backtracking on his statement; fortunately, [[Slow-in-the-minds|Chris doesn't notice this]].
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matt brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers]], and says that he found that said video to be especially offensive since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001. Chris's only response is to blame it all on [[Clyde Cash]], because [[Mumble 9.5|he was being "mean" to Chris]]; Matthew is unsurprisingly baffled as to why Chris tried "getting back" at a random guy on the internet by mockingly comparing him to the subject of one of the all-time biggest American tragedies.
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matt tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like", but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, like pulling weeds, standing up to [[Guitar Hero|play guitar]], mowing the lawn, moving furniture, and burying his beloved [[Patti Chandler|dog]]. Matt is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother, and even points out his grandma with ''arthritis'' pulled weeds.
* Chris also seems to believe a dog house made of plastic and wood weighs 5 to 10 tons (10,000-20,000 pounds), and believes the doghouse would weigh more than any tombstone (which tends to weigh an average of about 80 pounds). He also tries to gain sympathy by saying Patti's doghouse was essentially a tombstone. Chris believes plastic and wood would weigh more than solid stone, retracting the previous claim to saying the doghouse weighed 100 pounds. A small dog like Patti would not need a dog house that heavy or large.
* Chris isn't discouraged by the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matt, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing details about the [[Ohio trip]] in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he wouldn't come to D.C. to meet Kacey if he were willing to drive +800 miles to another state to rescue a girlfriend he eventually found out didn't exist (and was really a [[BlueSpike|13-year-old boy]], to boot).
* Matt accuses Chris of acting like a child and mentions the state of [[Chris's room|his room]] as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility, remarking Chris's plan to be a house-husband. Chris just tries to blame [[Barbara Chandler|his mother]] for not helping him, hypocritically saying that Barb is lazy. Matt sarcastically comments on his lack of maturity, but Chris misses the sarcasm and thinks he's actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, ''Chris compares the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matt spent carrying his dead colleague back to base''. Matt is rightfully ''furious'' at this comparison and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father. Chris tries to say he was being respectful and Matthew treats him like a child. Kacey points out he needs to be nicer and more respectful to Matthew (not to mention, throughout the call, Chris is acting ''like'' a child, which Matt doesn't overlook). After being yelled at by Kacey, Chris "apologizes" to Matthew, with Matthew seeing past his crap.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matt to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Matt points out that's a book generally already read by high school students, and then asks him what he learned from the novel. Chris proceeds to describe the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a ''vaguely'' correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story. When Matt brings up the court case (a major part of the story) and the character of Atticus Finch (who is the main character's dad), Chris seems to not know what he's talking about.
* Matt says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat. Chris ''completely'' misses the point of that comparison, and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey, and a child on his tugboat and a minimum-wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matt points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matt off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point, Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her and her father's advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be 84 per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble and unhealthy eating, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by him possibly risking death, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American-born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matt points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, but true patriots also wouldn't make videos mocking national tragedies.
* Matt decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11 (which should've been easy for Chris because Matt told him ''earlier in the conversation''). Matt tells Chris that he must be [[naïve]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of [[Niggos|the dreaded "N" word]] and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least, until Matthew reminds him [[Kick the Autistic|which of the two was formerly in the USMC]], causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his [[Bruce Johnson|elementary school principal]] and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matt brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriate "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads to Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" [[Autism|to be a cast-iron rule]], rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly tries weaseling his way out of the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. After some back and forth regarding Kacey, the future of Chris's relationship to her, her song dedication video, and Chris's [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|own version of the song]], Matthew snidely congratulates Chris on getting Kacey and Liquid back together.
* Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit, as Matthew attempts to hold back laughter. She mentions Chris failing to make her a comic (presumably what would become the [[Sonichu Special 4|Gun Comic]]) and instead making her a ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' level. Kacey reveals Chris asked her for her phone number, which she refused to give him until her parents trusted him – Chris claims he would have come to her if he knew where she was – despite earlier in the call implying after Julie, he would not travel to see any girlfriends. During this, she compares him to Liquid, who she says would've driven to see her soon as he knew she was upset (Chris didn't bother during the call to ask how she was when talking to Matthew). Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up big time.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Father Call
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|Jhp5WyvPWNI}}
| Stardate = 4 November 2009
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[Kacey Call 24]]
| next = [[Kacey and Liquid Call]]
}} </center>

===Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)===
'''Chris:''' Hello?

'''Kacey:''' Hey, Chris, it's Kacey!

'''Chris:''' Hi, Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house, cause, um, they wanted to call [''Chris speaks over her''] 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter.

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did fif--I did 51 reps with, uh, 50-pound weights… well, not really weights, but as much as they are...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, li… you know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times--arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hmm. [''pause''] Well, at--was--was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but… it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like… 100 and more pounds for my job--I, but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad for you, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Alright, by the way what's his name? [''pause''] Mokay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, uh, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Oh, Matthew, okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. [''stifles a chuckle'']

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Kacey:''' Alright, well gu--just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay. [''long pause and typing noises'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, si--good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm da--I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good. Good. So, uh… so, I've got a couple of questions for you… well, n'I mean more than a couple. Aaai?

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an answe--with an honest answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. [''inhales''] Well, uh, first and foremost, uh, let's see, uh… you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kinds of places, uh, what kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah, w--yeah, I'm looking, um--I'm applying for, like, uh--retail stores and such, uh got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at the [[Walmart]], and I had one over at [[Target]]… I have worked before, I've worked at--duh, [[Wendy's]] in di--Ruckersville for a few months… first off, I worked off as a sales representative for, uh... [[Cutco]] Cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's--that's minimum wage stuff, uh… yi, d'you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at… ''Target''… I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean… surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? And how old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27… sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''30'' and you're working at the… ''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh… degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know… but I mean, if I--if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job…

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get… in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Hmm… I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it… y-you haven't… you haven't had any jobs between then?

===The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had--I did--I did volunte--I have done volunteer work… uh… [''cut off'']

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? [''stutters''] Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' Uwha--what kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, well yeah, I helped the--I helped, uh… the chil--I helped the, uh, children over at the--at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Assistant Gym Leader]] for the [[Pokémon]] [[Trading Card Game]] league, a few years back…

'''Matthew:''' P--''Pokémon''? Di--wait, that…

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, and building decks from ther-swha-what scraps they had, and uh… di--making sure they kept in order, y'know, d-d-don't get too crazy…

'''Matthew:''' And how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' …I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' It was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' [''stutters''] That's still going strong. Maybe I--

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' …and I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. [''pause''] So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' …yeah, but also [''stutters''], like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting… but… but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? I mean, and, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and ''really'' helping people. Planting ''trees'', that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have--I have been--I have helped people--out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind… knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure that their children were playing and, uh, were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' Right. I'ean, [''stutters''] and… but… are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore? [''crinkles paper or snack bag'']

'''Chris:''' Ummm… yeah, it was kinda, um, kinda like, uh, you know, not too m--not too many were showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was a sa--yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on, but anyway… but anyway, aside from that, I… I've been searching and, uh, doing [''stutters a lot''] yardwork for my family and other sorts of… heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right… well--aaaah, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pokeyman'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with [[Borb|my mother and my father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for the while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I mean, I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20… y'kn--I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… yeah. But, you know, to--to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though… I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I--yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so… uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my--[[Rental House|move of the house]].

'''Matthew:''' …with her help?

'''Chris:''' …and get a place of my own…

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know… um… ye, some details I'm not understand… I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know… mmm… I… it's like a… whole bunch of details… you know… yeah. [''says "mmm" or audibly farts'']

'''Matthew:''' Explain, please. [''stutters''] I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know, y-sti…

'''Chris:''' Yeah… but still, I mean, that's not…

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know… I keep between myself…

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, okay, if you can't s-s-if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh…

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um…

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah… isn't that autism thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar… I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also…

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the [[Barb|mother]]'s line but it can be in the [[Bob|father]]'s as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah… no, I think that's good, yeah, you go… What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see… if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, [[Chris and his Ego|I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be]], and her name would be [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream… as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, CrySTAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne…

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be CriSTAL, it would be CrySTULL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-Y-S-T-L-E ''(yes, he misspelled that)'', you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so… you said this all came to you in a dream… dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Tetsas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler (18:28-24:18)===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in…

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like [[Chris and reality#Chris the Goddess|being a prophet]] to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or… and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah… if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from God, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]…

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream… I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know… time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So… why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps [''pronounced "corpse"'']. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father… but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But… you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… umm… yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand… talking about… and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's Boobs and Fame (24:18-33:24)===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just love to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' [''extremely uncomfortable laughter'']

'''Chris:''' I am very poetic as well, just to let you know, sir.

'''Matthew:''' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny…

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little… "encounter," we'll call it… she said she was a little bit… uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend [[Kim]], she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now… he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh… it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books… I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so… you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things…

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for… what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh…

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…

'''Matthew:''' This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===The Shit Hits the Fan (33:24-39:17)===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up YouTube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah… 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…

'''Matthew:''' You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a YouTube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the Internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, n--Kacey was, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was--I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That...are y-are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:''' No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me…

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my…

'''Matthew:''' That's… this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bull[[Lars|sheeit]].

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something…

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me…

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] What ''kind'' of misunderstandings? WHAT ''KIND'' OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?!

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity and Chores (39:17-48:08)===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little… your voice is all wavery… good lord. You want to date… YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from… you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of… enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine…

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is…

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like…

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like…

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' …until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back…

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay… I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her… a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]…

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG… good natured…

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's… why don't you… that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? [[CWC More Than A Feeling|I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.]]

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know… what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a… fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and Fake Internet Women (48:08-54:05)===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had… I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to… fucking… a plane by fucking… piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my…

'''Matthew:''' And your… but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing… that's nothing…

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you…

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? [[IRC_(20_January_2009)|Are you calling my mother a dog]]?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that… you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women…

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN…

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that…

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I… I may not admit, okay, well, yes…

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake… fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't… no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and [[Ohio_trip|I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth]] back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an [[BlueSpike|imposterous troll]].

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to... Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I... [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

===More Shit Hits the Fan (54:05-58:09)===
'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] '''OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!'''

'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. [[I AM STRONG|I am a STRONG MAN]]. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your [[Patti Chandler|little dog,]] playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little... maggot--

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I DO WORK around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, they ''are'', EVERYONE works around the house!

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't...the, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Matthew:''' And, and, I've seen--an-an, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]], it's a ''fuckin' MESS!'' You call that working around the house? [''stutters in disbelief''] Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really..move, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' [''sarcastically''] Oh, it's your ''mom's'' fault. And...that's, that's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work...she's been livin' more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is...this is nothing. Uh I mean, at this rate, you're not getting...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point, you know, maybe every....while, this is no, I mean, this is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I... oh! And you don't think...!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think [[Chris and Remorse|carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden]]... That was a heavy burden!

'''Matthew:''' That's...! What the fuck, is that--are you ''mocking me?!''

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' [''stammering in utter shock''] Is this... are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under…

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life.

===Kacey Returns (58:09-1:02:35)===
'''Matthew:''' [''still stuttering in disbelief''] Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' Ah, just-just, what is... I mean... [''clears throat''] I mean, this guy is just fucking with me…

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...I dunno--

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this little ol' faggot kiddie shit... and how he has to ''move chairs'' and do - ''oh no'' - housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, and he's saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...you know, of course, you remember when we lost grandma...how would you forget?

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Matthew:''' I mean, and this guy, this guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really, wh--

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Wh--like what?! ''Like what?!?!''

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you ARE a child, ''I'm'' a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Like, you can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' ''What are you doing?''

'''Chris:''' Well... yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm… I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well... believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You... are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']

===Literature and Health (1:02:35-1:13:17)===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch… yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [''pause''] It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So-so what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I...have...learned.....that I have to be able to...cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like [[Honor roll|George had to put up with Lennie]] throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? In fact, that was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I-I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. I mean, when did you-when did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I...I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' I-you know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books, y'know, she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''rage button pushed''] Stuff...candy...don't...[''sigh''] I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. I...you don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're... [''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after… that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't... with that much…? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after...a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but...how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe...maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go… you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't… you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't... [''sputters''] ...don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's… how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like… half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

===Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs (1:13:17-1:19:04)===
'''Chris:''' But I...

'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have… you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so... you may not think so...

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he [[CChanSonichuCWC Videos, August-November 2009#GONE|pretended he was being kidnapped]] and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him…

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of US states by minimum wage|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about… minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it... I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like…

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

===Respect and Listening Skills (1:19:04-1:24:45)===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been… he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I... wh... no. [''pause''] I, I... [''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so…

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then… and then he started, he started…

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way…

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just... [[Family Guy|grinded my gears]].

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is... this, do you, do you even listen to her, orm, her at all? I mean, how can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W...well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you… you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because… just… you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send… I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker (1:24:05-1:36:33)===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around... what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokémon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. [[Biological clock|Sleep.]] Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just… you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me... for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the... phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']

'''Matthew:''' You don't... it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O...kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that…

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me... Tell me... How about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I admit I do have a [[Buddha belly]], but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's… that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to... how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really... Because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you… You still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long...do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Matthew:''' And play... Okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little Buddha belly and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' [''offended by phrases he used himself moments ago''] Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that… That means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's…

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?!

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may show-- not show-- I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... Less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore…

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris Blows It, but He's an American! (1:36:33-1:41:33)===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah... let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is... that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, ''really'' turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, ''maybe''.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like... a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly... as a friend... a true friend, a good friend...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean…

'''Matthew:''' I do know, because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well… points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve... me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I...am an ''[[American]]!'' I am proud to be an American and [[I AM STRONG|I am ''strong'']]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic... if you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't...do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting that video and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Love and Memories (1:41:33-1:46:21)===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I... I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped eating McDonald's, and you didn't... That's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey [[The End For Real|left you right now]], right this very moment, you would... [[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then [[Red Letter CWC Certified Day|you'd go out]] and find [[The Wallflower|another girl on the Internet]].

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' [[List of Love Quest candidates|Wouldn't you?]] And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's… that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [[Kacey#Kacey Date Log|creepy date]] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family died in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ....no, okay, her grandmother, who is ''my''...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' [''claps once''] How long did that just take you? Good boy! [''chuckles''] God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:36)===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is...man. You can't have Kacey, with...with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... '''[[Naïve]].''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me…

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' 'A line'... you crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to [[Death threats|threaten]] me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could [[Kick the Autistic|whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky]] if I wanted to. [''repeats in a whisper, "naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to"''] Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you… I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be… pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spell-check, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making... mistakes…?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the [[Slow-in-the-minds|only thing that goes faster than your brain]]. Are you trying to say [[CPU Blue Heart|you're some kind of computer or something]]? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay... here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli--what are you talking about? What dictionary are ''you'' looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and Respect (1:52:36-1:57:38)===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I...it was not a retard! No...it was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to fight the school system, they wanted to put me in a [[Nathanael_Greene_Elementary_School#The_.22institution.22|mental institution]]! But that was not...

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. [[Western State Hospital|That's probably where you belong!]] And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... If I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you… and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to ''my'' intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res... I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating (1:57:38-2:08:38)===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were ''NERVOUS?!'' What the hell kind of response is ''that?!'' You're nervous, so you try to touch a per--you try to touch a girl? What the ''hell?!'' That's...that's...that's just '''sick!''' I mean, that's my ''daughter'', you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? I mean, most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I '''should''' come and [[Kick the Autistic|kick your ass right now]]!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! And I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? That's...you know, that didn't...y'know, I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. I mean, she told her sister about what-what, what you did. I mean, I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that, uh... and I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit, like, you tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' That's... [''stifled laugh''] I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' You know, she gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. I mean, that's...that's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it...you did it in front of her and her ''friend.'' I mean, have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you... have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm... Yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes. Anything, any of this creepy...shit. This touching, this kissing, that you-that, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well... first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really?'' [''scoffs'']

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't--I don't believe, I mean, I don't believe a word of that. [''stutters a bit''] How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Two's company snapshots|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that--and how did that turn out? And how did she act to--how did she act toward you? What'd she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just was not all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around...around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' [''stutters a bit again''] And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know! I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' ...but-s-so you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' .....yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, you can't think of, maybe...I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. [''Chris scoffs''] I mean, I didn't even need to think about it. [''pause''] I mean, uh...I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. Took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. [''scoffs''] And how much--and how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's...$10 for dinner? Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could tell you the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So--so where would you take Kacey? You know, she's a pretty high-class girl. And I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I, you know, I y'know, you probably didn't--I said you probably didn't even tip. And, so where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip?

'''Chris:''' About 15 or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So, how much did you tip, then? If you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. I, you know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. I mean, you know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to...to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of 10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Eee...that's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm...let's see, hm...that would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' You, so you would just pay $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, y'know, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even ''do'' math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the ''high-class, hoity-toity, rich type'', type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least...they're not rich either, and they still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well, good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. I mean, income would be, like, y'know, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing!

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from...being, from being talked down about, some, about some, about the honest...details I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because...it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't...it's not made of, uh, y'know, Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, and how are you better than all this? [''stutters in disbelief''] You're doing exactly, you know, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you is...you do nothing but what exactly what you have said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Matthew:''' And you need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not! You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===What Are You Gonna Do Now? (2:08:38-2:18:03)===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that, uh, this has been, uh, a most experiencing conversation, and, uh, I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And... please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me! When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You continue the insults, and I'm getting tired of insults. I feel like I need to go--I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep, I mean, we are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Well, actually, that's fine, you know, you can...you can go, you can whine and, you know, weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. I mean...what are you gonna do after this, y'know, what are you going to do tomorrow? You're going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's...that's--

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up...and I'm going to be...finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe in--you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really... this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a... I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together. [''pause'']

'''Kacey:''' [''bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!

'''Matthew:''' I can't believe...! [''cracks the fuck up'']

'''Kacey:''' You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...di, uh...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! [''stutters''] I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. You--yo--I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. [''pause''] And I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I...did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. I mean, you can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So, you know what? I-I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. [''pause''] I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the 2 hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven 2 hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean... yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then... and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough, because you haven't done anything like that. Like, you've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, 3 songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''LittleBigPlanet'' thing for me. I mean, come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the stress! I can't do this. I want a real man. [''long pause''] And thi--you can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you done, Chris. Look what you've done! [''pause'']

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's--thi--that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway. [''repeats 3x in a whisper'']

'''Kacey:''' [''long pause''] I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry. [''typing and long pause''] I would like to say... good evening.

'''Matthew:''' [''long pause''] Ssssso... what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 24]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6mRSOBYFcaBNloweEFQOElEdjA/edit?usp=sharing Link to MP3 on Google Drive]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ddn91nknqahn87a mp3 of phone call]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhp5WyvPWNI the call on YouTube]

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{FanChats}}
[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Father Call

2025-02-05T20:31:51Z

Marliamore95: /* Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:36) */ fixed the formatting on the previous edit

{{Troll}}
{{Protip|Matthew was not [[Liquid Chris]], it was in reality a minor troll who was asked to do the role.}}
[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

The '''Father Call''' is a [[Phone calls|phone call]] that occurred on 4 [[November 2009]]. In this call, [[Christian Weston Chandler|Solid Chris]] spends 2 hours on the phone with '''Matthew Devoria''' (born [[1957]]), the father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]], and a retired {{w|United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine}} who served in the {{w|Gulf War}}. Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the dad of his sweetheart by boasting of his now-legendary [[honest]]y, before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.

Their conversation is illuminating. What follows is probably the bluntest personal assessment Chris has ever received to date: Matt berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and his ego|egotism]], [[Chris and kindness|lack of empathy]], [[Chris and reality|inability to grow up]], [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[obesity]], [[Women's rights|treatment of Kacey]] and general failure at life. To this day, Chris has never taken any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart; throughout the call he retorts by saying that he leads a hard life, which includes such laborious tasks as doing menial [[chores]], [[CWC Fighter|mowing the lawn]] and ''[[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]''. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and shoving [[Barbara Chandler|vegetables]] [[Homos|down his throat]].

After being berated with insults for two hours (or so he says), Chris became increasingly more [[stress]]ed, frequently making insensitive statements towards Matthew. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her relationship and go back to [[Liquid Chris]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which, to put it bluntly, ended equally as poorly.

==Summary==
* Throughout the call, ''Portal'' is occasionally heard in the background, as well as constant typing sounds every so often. A turret from the game can briefly be heard at approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes in.
* Chris [[Stress sigh|sighs]] constantly during the call – to the point where Matthew points out the constant sighing ''3 times''.
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious-sounding claims about his weightlifting prowess, saying he [[11042009 51 50|just got done lifting 50 pounds]] 51 times with each arm, a total of 102 reps according to Chris. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, and instead hands the phone over to her father, Matthew.
* Before she hands the phone over, however, Kacey claims she has to lift at least 100 pounds for her job. Chris does not question how or why a waitress would have to lift that many pounds.
* Matt starts out being fairly civil toward Chris, though it's immediately obvious that he doesn't have much respect for him. Matt begins by calling out Chris on his [[Chris and work|underwhelming employment record]], and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a [[Pokémon]] Gym Leader/babysitter seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding [[monthly tugboat]]. Matt asks if any hypothetical children (or "[[Slow-in-the-minds|'tard babies]]", as he says) of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic, and while Chris denies that they would be, Matt checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris lies during the call, and while Matt goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous the next time Chris does it.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]]. Not only does Matt consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be [[Wikipedia:False Prophet|blasphemous]], but he also doesn't even like Crystal as a name and believes it's more appropriate for a [[Little Tomboy Blue|stripper]], or [[wikipedia:Cristal (wine)|an expensive brand of]] [[Alcohol|champagne]]. Chris corrects him with the pronunciation of the name to not sound like a stripper, "Chris-tul", not "Chris-tal" (he also misspells the name). Chris ignores the fact that Kacey does not like the name that much either, as Matthew points out.
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey [[Women's rights|for her looks]], he is questioned on why the great and powerful Liquid was impersonating him. Solid's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''. Matt is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on ''Sonichu'', before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years. Matthew commits a potentially damaging mistake when he points out that Sega owns the rights to Sonic the Hedgehog, despite having earlier claimed not to know anything about the character, leading to him clumsily backtracking on his statement; fortunately, [[Slow-in-the-minds|Chris doesn't notice this]].
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matt brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers]], and says that he found that said video to be especially offensive since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001. Chris's only response is to blame it all on [[Clyde Cash]], because [[Mumble 9.5|he was being "mean" to Chris]]; Matthew is unsurprisingly baffled as to why Chris tried "getting back" at a random guy on the internet by mockingly comparing him to the subject of one of the all-time biggest American tragedies.
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matt tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like", but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, like pulling weeds, standing up to [[Guitar Hero|play guitar]], mowing the lawn, moving furniture, and burying his beloved [[Patti Chandler|dog]]. Matt is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother, and even points out his grandma with ''arthritis'' pulled weeds.
* Chris also seems to believe a dog house made of plastic and wood weighs 5 to 10 tons (10,000-20,000 pounds), and believes the doghouse would weigh more than any tombstone (which tends to weigh an average of about 80 pounds). He also tries to gain sympathy by saying Patti's doghouse was essentially a tombstone. Chris believes plastic and wood would weigh more than solid stone, retracting the previous claim to saying the doghouse weighed 100 pounds. A small dog like Patti would not need a dog house that heavy or large.
* Chris isn't discouraged by the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matt, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing details about the [[Ohio trip]] in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he wouldn't come to D.C. to meet Kacey if he were willing to drive +800 miles to another state to rescue a girlfriend he eventually found out didn't exist (and was really a [[BlueSpike|13-year-old boy]], to boot).
* Matt accuses Chris of acting like a child and mentions the state of [[Chris's room|his room]] as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility, remarking Chris's plan to be a house-husband. Chris just tries to blame [[Barbara Chandler|his mother]] for not helping him, hypocritically saying that Barb is lazy. Matt sarcastically comments on his lack of maturity, but Chris misses the sarcasm and thinks he's actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, ''Chris compares the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matt spent carrying his dead colleague back to base''. Matt is rightfully ''furious'' at this comparison and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father. Chris tries to say he was being respectful and Matthew treats him like a child. Kacey points out he needs to be nicer and more respectful to Matthew (not to mention, throughout the call, Chris is acting ''like'' a child, which Matt doesn't overlook). After being yelled at by Kacey, Chris "apologizes" to Matthew, with Matthew seeing past his crap.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matt to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Matt points out that's a book generally already read by high school students, and then asks him what he learned from the novel. Chris proceeds to describe the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a ''vaguely'' correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story. When Matt brings up the court case (a major part of the story) and the character of Atticus Finch (who is the main character's dad), Chris seems to not know what he's talking about.
* Matt says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat. Chris ''completely'' misses the point of that comparison, and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey, and a child on his tugboat and a minimum-wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matt points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matt off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point, Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her and her father's advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be 84 per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble and unhealthy eating, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by him possibly risking death, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American-born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matt points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, but true patriots also wouldn't make videos mocking national tragedies.
* Matt decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11 (which should've been easy for Chris because Matt told him ''earlier in the conversation''). Matt tells Chris that he must be [[naïve]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of [[Niggos|the dreaded "N" word]] and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least, until Matthew reminds him [[Kick the Autistic|which of the two was formerly in the USMC]], causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his [[Bruce Johnson|elementary school principal]] and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matt brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriate "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads to Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" [[Autism|to be a cast-iron rule]], rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly tries weaseling his way out of the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. After some back and forth regarding Kacey, the future of Chris's relationship to her, her song dedication video, and Chris's [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|own version of the song]], Matthew snidely congratulates Chris on getting Kacey and Liquid back together.
* Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit, as Matthew attempts to hold back laughter. She mentions Chris failing to make her a comic (presumably what would become the [[Sonichu Special 4|Gun Comic]]) and instead making her a ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' level. Kacey reveals Chris asked her for her phone number, which she refused to give him until her parents trusted him – Chris claims he would have come to her if he knew where she was – despite earlier in the call implying after Julie, he would not travel to see any girlfriends. During this, she compares him to Liquid, who she says would've driven to see her soon as he knew she was upset (Chris didn't bother during the call to ask how she was when talking to Matthew). Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up big time.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Father Call
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|Jhp5WyvPWNI}}
| Stardate = 4 November 2009
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[Kacey Call 24]]
| next = [[Kacey and Liquid Call]]
}} </center>

===Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)===
'''Chris:''' Hello?

'''Kacey:''' Hey, Chris, it's Kacey!

'''Chris:''' Hi, Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house, cause, um, they wanted to call [''Chris speaks over her''] 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter.

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did fif--I did 51 reps with, uh, 50-pound weights… well, not really weights, but as much as they are...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, li… you know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times--arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hmm. [''pause''] Well, at--was--was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but… it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like… 100 and more pounds for my job--I, but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad for you, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Alright, by the way what's his name? [''pause''] Mokay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, uh, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Oh, Matthew, okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. [''stifles a chuckle'']

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Kacey:''' Alright, well gu--just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay. [''long pause and typing noises'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, si--good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm da--I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good. Good. So, uh… so, I've got a couple of questions for you… well, n'I mean more than a couple. Aaai?

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an answe--with an honest answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. [''inhales''] Well, uh, first and foremost, uh, let's see, uh… you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kinds of places, uh, what kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah, w--yeah, I'm looking, um--I'm applying for, like, uh--retail stores and such, uh got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at the [[Walmart]], and I had one over at [[Target]]… I have worked before, I've worked at--duh, [[Wendy's]] in di--Ruckersville for a few months… first off, I worked off as a sales representative for, uh... [[Cutco]] Cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's--that's minimum wage stuff, uh… yi, d'you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at… ''Target''… I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean… surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? And how old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27… sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''30'' and you're working at the… ''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh… degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know… but I mean, if I--if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job…

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get… in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Hmm… I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it… y-you haven't… you haven't had any jobs between then?

===The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had--I did--I did volunte--I have done volunteer work… uh… [''cut off'']

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? [''stutters''] Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' Uwha--what kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, well yeah, I helped the--I helped, uh… the chil--I helped the, uh, children over at the--at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Assistant Gym Leader]] for the [[Pokémon]] [[Trading Card Game]] league, a few years back…

'''Matthew:''' P--''Pokémon''? Di--wait, that…

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, and building decks from ther-swha-what scraps they had, and uh… di--making sure they kept in order, y'know, d-d-don't get too crazy…

'''Matthew:''' And how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' …I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' It was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' [''stutters''] That's still going strong. Maybe I--

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' …and I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. [''pause''] So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' …yeah, but also [''stutters''], like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting… but… but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? I mean, and, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and ''really'' helping people. Planting ''trees'', that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have--I have been--I have helped people--out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind… knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure that their children were playing and, uh, were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' Right. I'ean, [''stutters''] and… but… are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore? [''crinkles paper or snack bag'']

'''Chris:''' Ummm… yeah, it was kinda, um, kinda like, uh, you know, not too m--not too many were showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was a sa--yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on, but anyway… but anyway, aside from that, I… I've been searching and, uh, doing [''stutters a lot''] yardwork for my family and other sorts of… heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right… well--aaaah, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pokeyman'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with [[Borb|my mother and my father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for the while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I mean, I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20… y'kn--I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… yeah. But, you know, to--to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though… I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I--yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so… uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my--[[Rental House|move of the house]].

'''Matthew:''' …with her help?

'''Chris:''' …and get a place of my own…

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know… um… ye, some details I'm not understand… I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know… mmm… I… it's like a… whole bunch of details… you know… yeah. [''says "mmm" or audibly farts'']

'''Matthew:''' Explain, please. [''stutters''] I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know, y-sti…

'''Chris:''' Yeah… but still, I mean, that's not…

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know… I keep between myself…

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, okay, if you can't s-s-if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh…

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um…

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah… isn't that autism thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar… I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also…

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the [[Barb|mother]]'s line but it can be in the [[Bob|father]]'s as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah… no, I think that's good, yeah, you go… What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see… if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, [[Chris and his Ego|I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be]], and her name would be [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream… as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, CrySTAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne…

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be CriSTAL, it would be CrySTULL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-Y-S-T-L-E ''(yes, he misspelled that)'', you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so… you said this all came to you in a dream… dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Tetsas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler (18:28-24:18)===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in…

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like [[Chris and reality#Chris the Goddess|being a prophet]] to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or… and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah… if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from God, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]…

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream… I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know… time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So… why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps [''pronounced "corpse"'']. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father… but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But… you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… umm… yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand… talking about… and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's Boobs and Fame (24:18-33:24)===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just love to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' [''extremely uncomfortable laughter'']

'''Chris:''' I am very poetic as well, just to let you know, sir.

'''Matthew:''' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny…

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little… "encounter," we'll call it… she said she was a little bit… uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend [[Kim]], she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now… he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh… it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books… I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so… you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things…

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for… what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh…

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…

'''Matthew:''' This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===The Shit Hits the Fan (33:24-39:17)===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up YouTube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah… 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…

'''Matthew:''' You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a YouTube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the Internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, n--Kacey was, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was--I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That...are y-are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:''' No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me…

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my…

'''Matthew:''' That's… this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bull[[Lars|sheeit]].

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something…

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me…

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] What ''kind'' of misunderstandings? WHAT ''KIND'' OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?!

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity and Chores (39:17-48:08)===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little… your voice is all wavery… good lord. You want to date… YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from… you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of… enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine…

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is…

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like…

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like…

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' …until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back…

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay… I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her… a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]…

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG… good natured…

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's… why don't you… that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? [[CWC More Than A Feeling|I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.]]

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know… what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a… fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and Fake Internet Women (48:08-54:05)===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had… I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to… fucking… a plane by fucking… piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my…

'''Matthew:''' And your… but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing… that's nothing…

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you…

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? [[IRC_(20_January_2009)|Are you calling my mother a dog]]?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that… you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women…

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN…

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that…

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I… I may not admit, okay, well, yes…

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake… fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't… no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and [[Ohio_trip|I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth]] back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an [[BlueSpike|imposterous troll]].

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to... Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I... [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

===More Shit Hits the Fan (54:05-58:09)===
'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] '''OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!'''

'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. [[I AM STRONG|I am a STRONG MAN]]. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your [[Patti Chandler|little dog,]] playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little... maggot--

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I DO WORK around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, they ''are'', EVERYONE works around the house!

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't...the, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Matthew:''' And, and, I've seen--an-an, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]], it's a ''fuckin' MESS!'' You call that working around the house? [''stutters in disbelief''] Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really..move, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' [''sarcastically''] Oh, it's your ''mom's'' fault. And...that's, that's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work...she's been livin' more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is...this is nothing. Uh I mean, at this rate, you're not getting...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point, you know, maybe every....while, this is no, I mean, this is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I... oh! And you don't think...!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think [[Chris and Remorse|carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden]]... That was a heavy burden!

'''Matthew:''' That's...! What the fuck, is that--are you ''mocking me?!''

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' [''stammering in utter shock''] Is this... are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under…

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life.

===Kacey Returns (58:09-1:02:35)===
'''Matthew:''' [''still stuttering in disbelief''] Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' Ah, just-just, what is... I mean... [''clears throat''] I mean, this guy is just fucking with me…

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...I dunno--

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this little ol' faggot kiddie shit... and how he has to ''move chairs'' and do - ''oh no'' - housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, and he's saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...you know, of course, you remember when we lost grandma...how would you forget?

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Matthew:''' I mean, and this guy, this guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really, wh--

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Wh--like what?! ''Like what?!?!''

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you ARE a child, ''I'm'' a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Like, you can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' ''What are you doing?''

'''Chris:''' Well... yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm… I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well... believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You... are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']

===Literature and Health (1:02:35-1:13:17)===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch… yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [''pause''] It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So-so what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I...have...learned.....that I have to be able to...cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like [[Honor roll|George had to put up with Lennie]] throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? In fact, that was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I-I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. I mean, when did you-when did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I...I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' I-you know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books, y'know, she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''rage button pushed''] Stuff...candy...don't...[''sigh''] I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. I...you don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're... [''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after… that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't... with that much…? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after...a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but...how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe...maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go… you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't… you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't... [''sputters''] ...don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's… how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like… half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

===Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs (1:13:17-1:19:04)===
'''Chris:''' But I...

'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have… you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so... you may not think so...

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he [[CChanSonichuCWC Videos, August-November 2009#GONE|pretended he was being kidnapped]] and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him…

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of US states by minimum wage|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about… minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it... I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like…

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

===Respect and Listening Skills (1:19:04-1:24:45)===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been… he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I... wh... no. [''pause''] I, I... [''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so…

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then… and then he started, he started…

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way…

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just... [[Family Guy|grinded my gears]].

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is... this, do you, do you even listen to her, orm, her at all? I mean, how can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W...well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you… you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because… just… you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send… I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker (1:24:05-1:36:33)===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around... what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokémon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. [[Biological clock|Sleep.]] Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just… you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me... for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the... phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']

'''Matthew:''' You don't... it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O...kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that…

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me... Tell me... How about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I admit I do have a [[Buddha belly]], but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's… that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to... how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really... Because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you… You still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long...do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Matthew:''' And play... Okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little Buddha belly and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' [''offended by phrases he used himself moments ago''] Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that… That means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's…

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?!

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may show-- not show-- I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... Less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore…

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris Blows It, but He's an American! (1:36:33-1:41:33)===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah... let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is... that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, ''really'' turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, ''maybe''.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like... a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly... as a friend... a true friend, a good friend...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean…

'''Matthew:''' I do know, because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well… points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve... me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I...am an ''[[American]]!'' I am proud to be an American and [[I AM STRONG|I am ''strong'']]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic... if you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't...do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting that video and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Love and Memories (1:41:33-1:46:21)===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I... I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped eating McDonald's, and you didn't... That's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey [[The End For Real|left you right now]], right this very moment, you would... [[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then [[Red Letter CWC Certified Day|you'd go out]] and find [[The Wallflower|another girl on the Internet]].

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' [[List of Love Quest candidates|Wouldn't you?]] And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's… that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [[Kacey#Kacey Date Log|creepy date]] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family died in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ....no, okay, her grandmother, who is ''my''...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' [''claps once''] How long did that just take you? Good boy! [''chuckles''] God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:36)===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is...man. You can't have Kacey, with...with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... '''[[Naïve]].''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me…

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' 'A line'... you crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to [[Death threats|threaten]] me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could [[Kick the Autistic|whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky]] if I wanted to. [''repeats in a whisper, "naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to"''] Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you… I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be… pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spell-check, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making... mistakes…?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the [[Slow-in-the-minds|only thing that goes faster than your brain]]. Are you trying to say [[CPU Blue Heart|you're some kind of computer or something]]? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay... here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli--what are you talking about? What dictionary are ''you'' looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and Respect (1:52:36-1:57:38)===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I...it was not a retard! No...it was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to fight the school system, they wanted to put me in a [[Nathanael_Greene_Elementary_School#The_.22institution.22|mental institution]]! But that was not...

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. [[Western State Hospital|That's probably where you belong!]] And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... If I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you… and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to ''my'' intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res... I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating (1:57:38-2:08:38)===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were ''NERVOUS?!'' What the hell kind of response is ''that?!'' You're nervous, so you try to touch a per--you try to touch a girl? What the ''hell?!'' That's...that's...that's just '''sick!''' I mean, that's my ''daughter'', you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? I mean, most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I '''should''' come and [[Kick the Autistic|kick your ass right now]]!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! And I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? That's...you know, that didn't...y'know, I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. I mean, she told her sister about what-what, what you did. I mean, I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that, uh... and I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit, like, you tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' That's... [''stifled laugh''] I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' You know, she gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. I mean, that's...that's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it...you did it in front of her and her ''friend.'' I mean, have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you... have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm... Yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes. Anything, any of this creepy...shit. This touching, this kissing, that you-that, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well... first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really?'' [''scoffs'']

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't--I don't believe, I mean, I don't believe a word of that. [''stutters a bit''] How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Two's company snapshots|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that--and how did that turn out? And how did she act to--how did she act toward you? What'd she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just was not all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around...around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' [''stutters a bit again''] And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know! I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' ...but-s-so you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' .....yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, you can't think of, maybe...I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. [''Chris scoffs''] I mean, I didn't even need to think about it. [''pause''] I mean, uh...I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. Took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. [''scoffs''] And how much--and how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's...$10 for dinner? Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could tell you the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So--so where would you take Kacey? You know, she's a pretty high-class girl. And I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I, you know, I y'know, you probably didn't--I said you probably didn't even tip. And, so where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip?

'''Chris:''' About 15 or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So, how much did you tip, then? If you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. I, you know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. I mean, you know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to...to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of 10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Eee...that's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm...let's see, hm...that would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' You, so you would just pay $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, y'know, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even ''do'' math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the ''high-class, hoity-toity, rich type'', type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least...they're not rich either, and they still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well, good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. I mean, income would be, like, y'know, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing!

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from...being, from being talked down about, some, about some, about the honest...details I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because...it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't...it's not made of, uh, y'know, Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, and how are you better than all this? [''stutters in disbelief''] You're doing exactly, you know, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you is...you do nothing but what exactly what you have said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Matthew:''' And you need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not! You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===What Are You Gonna Do Now? (2:08:38-2:18:03)===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that, uh, this has been, uh, a most experiencing conversation, and, uh, I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And... please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me! When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You continue the insults, and I'm getting tired of insults. I feel like I need to go--I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep, I mean, we are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Well, actually, that's fine, you know, you can...you can go, you can whine and, you know, weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. I mean...what are you gonna do after this, y'know, what are you going to do tomorrow? You're going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's...that's--

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up...and I'm going to be...finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe in--you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really... this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a... I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together. [''pause'']

'''Kacey:''' [''bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!

'''Matthew:''' I can't believe...! [''cracks the fuck up'']

'''Kacey:''' You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...di, uh...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! [''stutters''] I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. You--yo--I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. [''pause''] And I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I...did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. I mean, you can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So, you know what? I-I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. [''pause''] I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the 2 hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven 2 hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean... yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then... and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough, because you haven't done anything like that. Like, you've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, 3 songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''LittleBigPlanet'' thing for me. I mean, come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the stress! I can't do this. I want a real man. [''long pause''] And thi--you can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you done, Chris. Look what you've done! [''pause'']

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's--thi--that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' [''long pause''] I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry. [''typing and long pause''] I would like to say... good evening.

'''Matthew:''' [''long pause''] Ssssso... what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 24]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6mRSOBYFcaBNloweEFQOElEdjA/edit?usp=sharing Link to MP3 on Google Drive]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ddn91nknqahn87a mp3 of phone call]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhp5WyvPWNI the call on YouTube]

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{FanChats}}
[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Father Call

2025-02-05T20:30:20Z

Marliamore95: /* Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:36) */ Added the fact that Matthew whispered this under his breath after he said it

{{Troll}}
{{Protip|Matthew was not [[Liquid Chris]], it was in reality a minor troll who was asked to do the role.}}
[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

The '''Father Call''' is a [[Phone calls|phone call]] that occurred on 4 [[November 2009]]. In this call, [[Christian Weston Chandler|Solid Chris]] spends 2 hours on the phone with '''Matthew Devoria''' (born [[1957]]), the father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]], and a retired {{w|United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine}} who served in the {{w|Gulf War}}. Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the dad of his sweetheart by boasting of his now-legendary [[honest]]y, before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.

Their conversation is illuminating. What follows is probably the bluntest personal assessment Chris has ever received to date: Matt berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and his ego|egotism]], [[Chris and kindness|lack of empathy]], [[Chris and reality|inability to grow up]], [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[obesity]], [[Women's rights|treatment of Kacey]] and general failure at life. To this day, Chris has never taken any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart; throughout the call he retorts by saying that he leads a hard life, which includes such laborious tasks as doing menial [[chores]], [[CWC Fighter|mowing the lawn]] and ''[[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]''. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and shoving [[Barbara Chandler|vegetables]] [[Homos|down his throat]].

After being berated with insults for two hours (or so he says), Chris became increasingly more [[stress]]ed, frequently making insensitive statements towards Matthew. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her relationship and go back to [[Liquid Chris]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which, to put it bluntly, ended equally as poorly.

==Summary==
* Throughout the call, ''Portal'' is occasionally heard in the background, as well as constant typing sounds every so often. A turret from the game can briefly be heard at approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes in.
* Chris [[Stress sigh|sighs]] constantly during the call – to the point where Matthew points out the constant sighing ''3 times''.
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious-sounding claims about his weightlifting prowess, saying he [[11042009 51 50|just got done lifting 50 pounds]] 51 times with each arm, a total of 102 reps according to Chris. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, and instead hands the phone over to her father, Matthew.
* Before she hands the phone over, however, Kacey claims she has to lift at least 100 pounds for her job. Chris does not question how or why a waitress would have to lift that many pounds.
* Matt starts out being fairly civil toward Chris, though it's immediately obvious that he doesn't have much respect for him. Matt begins by calling out Chris on his [[Chris and work|underwhelming employment record]], and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a [[Pokémon]] Gym Leader/babysitter seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding [[monthly tugboat]]. Matt asks if any hypothetical children (or "[[Slow-in-the-minds|'tard babies]]", as he says) of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic, and while Chris denies that they would be, Matt checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris lies during the call, and while Matt goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous the next time Chris does it.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]]. Not only does Matt consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be [[Wikipedia:False Prophet|blasphemous]], but he also doesn't even like Crystal as a name and believes it's more appropriate for a [[Little Tomboy Blue|stripper]], or [[wikipedia:Cristal (wine)|an expensive brand of]] [[Alcohol|champagne]]. Chris corrects him with the pronunciation of the name to not sound like a stripper, "Chris-tul", not "Chris-tal" (he also misspells the name). Chris ignores the fact that Kacey does not like the name that much either, as Matthew points out.
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey [[Women's rights|for her looks]], he is questioned on why the great and powerful Liquid was impersonating him. Solid's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''. Matt is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on ''Sonichu'', before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years. Matthew commits a potentially damaging mistake when he points out that Sega owns the rights to Sonic the Hedgehog, despite having earlier claimed not to know anything about the character, leading to him clumsily backtracking on his statement; fortunately, [[Slow-in-the-minds|Chris doesn't notice this]].
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matt brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers]], and says that he found that said video to be especially offensive since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001. Chris's only response is to blame it all on [[Clyde Cash]], because [[Mumble 9.5|he was being "mean" to Chris]]; Matthew is unsurprisingly baffled as to why Chris tried "getting back" at a random guy on the internet by mockingly comparing him to the subject of one of the all-time biggest American tragedies.
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matt tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like", but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, like pulling weeds, standing up to [[Guitar Hero|play guitar]], mowing the lawn, moving furniture, and burying his beloved [[Patti Chandler|dog]]. Matt is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother, and even points out his grandma with ''arthritis'' pulled weeds.
* Chris also seems to believe a dog house made of plastic and wood weighs 5 to 10 tons (10,000-20,000 pounds), and believes the doghouse would weigh more than any tombstone (which tends to weigh an average of about 80 pounds). He also tries to gain sympathy by saying Patti's doghouse was essentially a tombstone. Chris believes plastic and wood would weigh more than solid stone, retracting the previous claim to saying the doghouse weighed 100 pounds. A small dog like Patti would not need a dog house that heavy or large.
* Chris isn't discouraged by the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matt, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing details about the [[Ohio trip]] in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he wouldn't come to D.C. to meet Kacey if he were willing to drive +800 miles to another state to rescue a girlfriend he eventually found out didn't exist (and was really a [[BlueSpike|13-year-old boy]], to boot).
* Matt accuses Chris of acting like a child and mentions the state of [[Chris's room|his room]] as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility, remarking Chris's plan to be a house-husband. Chris just tries to blame [[Barbara Chandler|his mother]] for not helping him, hypocritically saying that Barb is lazy. Matt sarcastically comments on his lack of maturity, but Chris misses the sarcasm and thinks he's actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, ''Chris compares the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matt spent carrying his dead colleague back to base''. Matt is rightfully ''furious'' at this comparison and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father. Chris tries to say he was being respectful and Matthew treats him like a child. Kacey points out he needs to be nicer and more respectful to Matthew (not to mention, throughout the call, Chris is acting ''like'' a child, which Matt doesn't overlook). After being yelled at by Kacey, Chris "apologizes" to Matthew, with Matthew seeing past his crap.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matt to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Matt points out that's a book generally already read by high school students, and then asks him what he learned from the novel. Chris proceeds to describe the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a ''vaguely'' correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story. When Matt brings up the court case (a major part of the story) and the character of Atticus Finch (who is the main character's dad), Chris seems to not know what he's talking about.
* Matt says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat. Chris ''completely'' misses the point of that comparison, and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey, and a child on his tugboat and a minimum-wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matt points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matt off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point, Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her and her father's advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be 84 per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble and unhealthy eating, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by him possibly risking death, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American-born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matt points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, but true patriots also wouldn't make videos mocking national tragedies.
* Matt decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11 (which should've been easy for Chris because Matt told him ''earlier in the conversation''). Matt tells Chris that he must be [[naïve]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of [[Niggos|the dreaded "N" word]] and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least, until Matthew reminds him [[Kick the Autistic|which of the two was formerly in the USMC]], causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his [[Bruce Johnson|elementary school principal]] and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matt brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriate "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads to Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" [[Autism|to be a cast-iron rule]], rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly tries weaseling his way out of the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. After some back and forth regarding Kacey, the future of Chris's relationship to her, her song dedication video, and Chris's [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|own version of the song]], Matthew snidely congratulates Chris on getting Kacey and Liquid back together.
* Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit, as Matthew attempts to hold back laughter. She mentions Chris failing to make her a comic (presumably what would become the [[Sonichu Special 4|Gun Comic]]) and instead making her a ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' level. Kacey reveals Chris asked her for her phone number, which she refused to give him until her parents trusted him – Chris claims he would have come to her if he knew where she was – despite earlier in the call implying after Julie, he would not travel to see any girlfriends. During this, she compares him to Liquid, who she says would've driven to see her soon as he knew she was upset (Chris didn't bother during the call to ask how she was when talking to Matthew). Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up big time.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Father Call
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|Jhp5WyvPWNI}}
| Stardate = 4 November 2009
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[Kacey Call 24]]
| next = [[Kacey and Liquid Call]]
}} </center>

===Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)===
'''Chris:''' Hello?

'''Kacey:''' Hey, Chris, it's Kacey!

'''Chris:''' Hi, Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house, cause, um, they wanted to call [''Chris speaks over her''] 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter.

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did fif--I did 51 reps with, uh, 50-pound weights… well, not really weights, but as much as they are...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, li… you know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times--arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hmm. [''pause''] Well, at--was--was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but… it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like… 100 and more pounds for my job--I, but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad for you, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Alright, by the way what's his name? [''pause''] Mokay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, uh, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Oh, Matthew, okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. [''stifles a chuckle'']

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Kacey:''' Alright, well gu--just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay. [''long pause and typing noises'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, si--good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm da--I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good. Good. So, uh… so, I've got a couple of questions for you… well, n'I mean more than a couple. Aaai?

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an answe--with an honest answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. [''inhales''] Well, uh, first and foremost, uh, let's see, uh… you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kinds of places, uh, what kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah, w--yeah, I'm looking, um--I'm applying for, like, uh--retail stores and such, uh got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at the [[Walmart]], and I had one over at [[Target]]… I have worked before, I've worked at--duh, [[Wendy's]] in di--Ruckersville for a few months… first off, I worked off as a sales representative for, uh... [[Cutco]] Cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's--that's minimum wage stuff, uh… yi, d'you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at… ''Target''… I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean… surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? And how old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27… sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''30'' and you're working at the… ''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh… degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know… but I mean, if I--if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job…

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get… in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Hmm… I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it… y-you haven't… you haven't had any jobs between then?

===The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had--I did--I did volunte--I have done volunteer work… uh… [''cut off'']

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? [''stutters''] Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' Uwha--what kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, well yeah, I helped the--I helped, uh… the chil--I helped the, uh, children over at the--at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Assistant Gym Leader]] for the [[Pokémon]] [[Trading Card Game]] league, a few years back…

'''Matthew:''' P--''Pokémon''? Di--wait, that…

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, and building decks from ther-swha-what scraps they had, and uh… di--making sure they kept in order, y'know, d-d-don't get too crazy…

'''Matthew:''' And how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' …I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' It was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' [''stutters''] That's still going strong. Maybe I--

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' …and I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. [''pause''] So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' …yeah, but also [''stutters''], like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting… but… but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? I mean, and, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and ''really'' helping people. Planting ''trees'', that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have--I have been--I have helped people--out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind… knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure that their children were playing and, uh, were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' Right. I'ean, [''stutters''] and… but… are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore? [''crinkles paper or snack bag'']

'''Chris:''' Ummm… yeah, it was kinda, um, kinda like, uh, you know, not too m--not too many were showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was a sa--yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on, but anyway… but anyway, aside from that, I… I've been searching and, uh, doing [''stutters a lot''] yardwork for my family and other sorts of… heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right… well--aaaah, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pokeyman'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with [[Borb|my mother and my father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for the while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I mean, I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20… y'kn--I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… yeah. But, you know, to--to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though… I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I--yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so… uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my--[[Rental House|move of the house]].

'''Matthew:''' …with her help?

'''Chris:''' …and get a place of my own…

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know… um… ye, some details I'm not understand… I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know… mmm… I… it's like a… whole bunch of details… you know… yeah. [''says "mmm" or audibly farts'']

'''Matthew:''' Explain, please. [''stutters''] I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know, y-sti…

'''Chris:''' Yeah… but still, I mean, that's not…

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know… I keep between myself…

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, okay, if you can't s-s-if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh…

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um…

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah… isn't that autism thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar… I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also…

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the [[Barb|mother]]'s line but it can be in the [[Bob|father]]'s as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah… no, I think that's good, yeah, you go… What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see… if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, [[Chris and his Ego|I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be]], and her name would be [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream… as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, CrySTAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne…

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be CriSTAL, it would be CrySTULL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-Y-S-T-L-E ''(yes, he misspelled that)'', you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so… you said this all came to you in a dream… dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Tetsas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler (18:28-24:18)===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in…

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like [[Chris and reality#Chris the Goddess|being a prophet]] to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or… and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah… if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from God, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]…

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream… I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know… time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So… why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps [''pronounced "corpse"'']. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father… but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But… you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… umm… yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand… talking about… and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's Boobs and Fame (24:18-33:24)===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just love to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' [''extremely uncomfortable laughter'']

'''Chris:''' I am very poetic as well, just to let you know, sir.

'''Matthew:''' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny…

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little… "encounter," we'll call it… she said she was a little bit… uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend [[Kim]], she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now… he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh… it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books… I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so… you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things…

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for… what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh…

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…

'''Matthew:''' This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===The Shit Hits the Fan (33:24-39:17)===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up YouTube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah… 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…

'''Matthew:''' You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a YouTube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the Internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, n--Kacey was, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was--I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That...are y-are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:''' No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me…

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my…

'''Matthew:''' That's… this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bull[[Lars|sheeit]].

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something…

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me…

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] What ''kind'' of misunderstandings? WHAT ''KIND'' OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?!

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity and Chores (39:17-48:08)===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little… your voice is all wavery… good lord. You want to date… YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from… you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of… enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine…

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is…

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like…

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like…

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' …until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back…

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay… I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her… a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]…

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG… good natured…

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's… why don't you… that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? [[CWC More Than A Feeling|I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.]]

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know… what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a… fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and Fake Internet Women (48:08-54:05)===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had… I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to… fucking… a plane by fucking… piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my…

'''Matthew:''' And your… but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing… that's nothing…

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you…

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? [[IRC_(20_January_2009)|Are you calling my mother a dog]]?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that… you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women…

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN…

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that…

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I… I may not admit, okay, well, yes…

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake… fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't… no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and [[Ohio_trip|I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth]] back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an [[BlueSpike|imposterous troll]].

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to... Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I... [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

===More Shit Hits the Fan (54:05-58:09)===
'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] '''OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!'''

'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. [[I AM STRONG|I am a STRONG MAN]]. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your [[Patti Chandler|little dog,]] playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little... maggot--

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I DO WORK around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, they ''are'', EVERYONE works around the house!

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't...the, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Matthew:''' And, and, I've seen--an-an, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]], it's a ''fuckin' MESS!'' You call that working around the house? [''stutters in disbelief''] Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really..move, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' [''sarcastically''] Oh, it's your ''mom's'' fault. And...that's, that's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work...she's been livin' more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is...this is nothing. Uh I mean, at this rate, you're not getting...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point, you know, maybe every....while, this is no, I mean, this is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I... oh! And you don't think...!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think [[Chris and Remorse|carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden]]... That was a heavy burden!

'''Matthew:''' That's...! What the fuck, is that--are you ''mocking me?!''

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' [''stammering in utter shock''] Is this... are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under…

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life.

===Kacey Returns (58:09-1:02:35)===
'''Matthew:''' [''still stuttering in disbelief''] Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' Ah, just-just, what is... I mean... [''clears throat''] I mean, this guy is just fucking with me…

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...I dunno--

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this little ol' faggot kiddie shit... and how he has to ''move chairs'' and do - ''oh no'' - housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, and he's saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...you know, of course, you remember when we lost grandma...how would you forget?

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Matthew:''' I mean, and this guy, this guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really, wh--

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Wh--like what?! ''Like what?!?!''

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you ARE a child, ''I'm'' a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Like, you can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' ''What are you doing?''

'''Chris:''' Well... yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm… I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well... believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You... are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']

===Literature and Health (1:02:35-1:13:17)===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch… yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. [''pause''] It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So-so what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I...have...learned.....that I have to be able to...cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like [[Honor roll|George had to put up with Lennie]] throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? In fact, that was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I-I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. I mean, when did you-when did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I...I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' I-you know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books, y'know, she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''rage button pushed''] Stuff...candy...don't...[''sigh''] I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. I...you don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're... [''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after… that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't... with that much…? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after...a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but...how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe...maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go… you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't… you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't... [''sputters''] ...don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's… how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like… half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

===Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs (1:13:17-1:19:04)===
'''Chris:''' But I...

'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have… you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so... you may not think so...

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he [[CChanSonichuCWC Videos, August-November 2009#GONE|pretended he was being kidnapped]] and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him…

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of US states by minimum wage|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about… minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it... I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like…

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

===Respect and Listening Skills (1:19:04-1:24:45)===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been… he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I... wh... no. [''pause''] I, I... [''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so…

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then… and then he started, he started…

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way…

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just... [[Family Guy|grinded my gears]].

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is... this, do you, do you even listen to her, orm, her at all? I mean, how can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W...well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you… you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because… just… you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send… I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker (1:24:05-1:36:33)===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around... what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokémon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. [[Biological clock|Sleep.]] Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just… you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me... for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the... phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']

'''Matthew:''' You don't... it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O...kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that…

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me... Tell me... How about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I admit I do have a [[Buddha belly]], but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's… that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to... how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really... Because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you… You still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long...do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Matthew:''' And play... Okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little Buddha belly and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' [''offended by phrases he used himself moments ago''] Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that… That means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's…

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?!

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may show-- not show-- I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... Less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore…

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris Blows It, but He's an American! (1:36:33-1:41:33)===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah... let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is... that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, ''really'' turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, ''maybe''.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like... a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly... as a friend... a true friend, a good friend...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean…

'''Matthew:''' I do know, because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well… points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve... me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I...am an ''[[American]]!'' I am proud to be an American and [[I AM STRONG|I am ''strong'']]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic... if you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't...do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting that video and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Love and Memories (1:41:33-1:46:21)===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I... I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped eating McDonald's, and you didn't... That's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey [[The End For Real|left you right now]], right this very moment, you would... [[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then [[Red Letter CWC Certified Day|you'd go out]] and find [[The Wallflower|another girl on the Internet]].

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' [[List of Love Quest candidates|Wouldn't you?]] And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's… that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [[Kacey#Kacey Date Log|creepy date]] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family died in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ....no, okay, her grandmother, who is ''my''...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' [''claps once''] How long did that just take you? Good boy! [''chuckles''] God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:36)===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is...man. You can't have Kacey, with...with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... '''[[Naïve]].''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me…

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' 'A line'... you crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to [[Death threats|threaten]] me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could [[Kick the Autistic|whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky]] if I wanted to. (repeats in a whisper, "naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to") Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you… I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be… pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spell-check, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making... mistakes…?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the [[Slow-in-the-minds|only thing that goes faster than your brain]]. Are you trying to say [[CPU Blue Heart|you're some kind of computer or something]]? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay... here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli--what are you talking about? What dictionary are ''you'' looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and Respect (1:52:36-1:57:38)===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I...it was not a retard! No...it was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to fight the school system, they wanted to put me in a [[Nathanael_Greene_Elementary_School#The_.22institution.22|mental institution]]! But that was not...

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. [[Western State Hospital|That's probably where you belong!]] And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... If I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you… and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to ''my'' intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res... I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating (1:57:38-2:08:38)===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were ''NERVOUS?!'' What the hell kind of response is ''that?!'' You're nervous, so you try to touch a per--you try to touch a girl? What the ''hell?!'' That's...that's...that's just '''sick!''' I mean, that's my ''daughter'', you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? I mean, most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I '''should''' come and [[Kick the Autistic|kick your ass right now]]!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! And I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? That's...you know, that didn't...y'know, I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. I mean, she told her sister about what-what, what you did. I mean, I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that, uh... and I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit, like, you tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' That's... [''stifled laugh''] I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' You know, she gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. I mean, that's...that's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it...you did it in front of her and her ''friend.'' I mean, have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you... have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm... Yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes. Anything, any of this creepy...shit. This touching, this kissing, that you-that, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well... first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really?'' [''scoffs'']

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't--I don't believe, I mean, I don't believe a word of that. [''stutters a bit''] How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Two's company snapshots|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that--and how did that turn out? And how did she act to--how did she act toward you? What'd she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just was not all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around...around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' [''stutters a bit again''] And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know! I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' ...but-s-so you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' .....yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, you can't think of, maybe...I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. [''Chris scoffs''] I mean, I didn't even need to think about it. [''pause''] I mean, uh...I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. Took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. [''scoffs''] And how much--and how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's...$10 for dinner? Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could tell you the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So--so where would you take Kacey? You know, she's a pretty high-class girl. And I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I, you know, I y'know, you probably didn't--I said you probably didn't even tip. And, so where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip?

'''Chris:''' About 15 or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So, how much did you tip, then? If you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. I, you know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. I mean, you know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to...to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of 10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Eee...that's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm...let's see, hm...that would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' You, so you would just pay $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, y'know, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even ''do'' math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the ''high-class, hoity-toity, rich type'', type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least...they're not rich either, and they still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well, good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. I mean, income would be, like, y'know, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing!

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from...being, from being talked down about, some, about some, about the honest...details I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because...it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't...it's not made of, uh, y'know, Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, and how are you better than all this? [''stutters in disbelief''] You're doing exactly, you know, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you is...you do nothing but what exactly what you have said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Matthew:''' And you need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not! You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===What Are You Gonna Do Now? (2:08:38-2:18:03)===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that, uh, this has been, uh, a most experiencing conversation, and, uh, I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And... please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me! When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You continue the insults, and I'm getting tired of insults. I feel like I need to go--I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep, I mean, we are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Well, actually, that's fine, you know, you can...you can go, you can whine and, you know, weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. I mean...what are you gonna do after this, y'know, what are you going to do tomorrow? You're going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's...that's--

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up...and I'm going to be...finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe in--you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really... this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a... I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together. [''pause'']

'''Kacey:''' [''bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!

'''Matthew:''' I can't believe...! [''cracks the fuck up'']

'''Kacey:''' You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...di, uh...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! [''stutters''] I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. You--yo--I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. [''pause''] And I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I...did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. I mean, you can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So, you know what? I-I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. [''pause''] I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the 2 hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven 2 hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean... yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then... and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough, because you haven't done anything like that. Like, you've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, 3 songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''LittleBigPlanet'' thing for me. I mean, come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the stress! I can't do this. I want a real man. [''long pause''] And thi--you can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you done, Chris. Look what you've done! [''pause'']

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's--thi--that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' [''long pause''] I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry. [''typing and long pause''] I would like to say... good evening.

'''Matthew:''' [''long pause''] Ssssso... what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 24]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6mRSOBYFcaBNloweEFQOElEdjA/edit?usp=sharing Link to MP3 on Google Drive]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ddn91nknqahn87a mp3 of phone call]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhp5WyvPWNI the call on YouTube]

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{FanChats}}
[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Speech impediment

2025-02-05T20:27:58Z

Marliamore95: /* History */ Drew similarity between Daniel Larson's speech and his

<div style="font-family:Arial; font-size:18px; margin:.33em 0 17px;">{{color|#ea4335|Did you mean:}} [[Chris|{{color|#1a0dab|Christian '''''Wesson''''' Chandler}}]]</div>

[[Chris]] has an '''unusual manner of speaking''', due to the combination of his strong [[Ruckersville, VA|Southeastern regional dialect]], [[autism]]-related inflection difficulties, and what appear to be genuine impairments.

==History==
Counter-intuitively, Chris's speech impediment appears to have worsened over time. He spoke relatively clearly and normally in his [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|earlier]] videos (outside saying "listen" as "risten" à la Daniel Larson), while his stuttering and other difficulties have increased significantly since then.

Likely causes include troll-induced [[Chris and stress|stress]] and a lack of conversational company not already accustomed to Chris's speaking tendencies.

Chris's problems in verbal communication potentially stem from either the extended period of "muteness" he went through during his childhood (supposedly as a consequence of his treatment by the [[abusive babysitter]]) or his [[autism]], a disorder which often results in speech difficulties. Chris's written communication generally tends to be significantly more coherent and grammatically correct than how he speaks. While writing, he has more time and freedom to determine what he says.

Nervousness in general may also be a factor with Chris's stuttering issues. His early videos in which he stuttered less and spoke more fluently, comparatively speaking, were possibly rehearsed and may have required several takes before the final version. He was also within the comforts of his own room and house, and possibly felt more relaxed than he would in a normal social situation. When conversing with outside parties, such as trolls or random strangers out and about, he may feel more pressured to be sociable and thus, trip and stumble over his sentences.

==Non-symptoms==
Slang such as "Y'all" and "'em", and contracting the "g" of words ending in "-ing" is typical in dialects of the southeastern United States, Chris's native region.

Chris's pronunciation of "nt" (Internet pronounced "Innernet") is a common trait of American accents.

Chris tends to mispronounce names (such as [[Shigeru Miyamoto]] and [[Reggie Fils-Aimé]]) due to his [[Naïve|ignorance]] of how they are actually pronounced, rather than impairments in his speech.

==Symptoms==
Chris's diction is naturally staggered, interspersed with pauses, deep breaths, "um", "uh" and "hm". The pauses and deep breaths, used in speech therapy, suggest that Chris has had his speech impediment professionally treated at some point. Chris's protracted style of speaking seems to make it easier for him to lose his thought, stray off topic, or forget to include certain segments of his thoughts. However, in the [[Flipnote Hatena|Flipnotes]] he has made, his speech is surprisingly fluent, with no "ums" or "uhs". This fluency is probably because he is being timed to do it, so there's little time to stop.

Chris also has a strong tendency to stutter. Although not the type of "machine-gun" stutter largely associated with the problem, Chris constantly has to repeat whole phrases, and he stumbles over certain phrases as he finds the correct words to best convey his ideas. This also could be because Chris finds the need to correct himself, and finds repetition to be the optimal way to deal with this. Ofte- usually this resu- this resu- thi- th- this ends up in Chris having to rei- repe- this ends up in Chris having to shuffle through many synonyms just to express a brief statement (prime example: [[Kacey calls]]).

During the [[Father Call|conversation]] with [[Kacey]]'s dad, Chris claimed to pause before speaking in order to "spellcheck" what he is saying. This implies that Chris needs to consciously plan what he is going to say or else he is unable to say it; this suggests that Chris's difficulty with speech stems from poor contact between the speech centers of his brain and his cerebellum, a common characteristic of [[autism]]. Ironically, Chris clearly [[Chris and writing|doesn't spellcheck his ''written'' work]].

Like small children, Chris has a tendency to speak too quickly, run words into one another, and slur words. For example, Chris's pronunciation of "[[Encyclopedia Dramatica|Ensykapeia Dramakka paysh]]".

Chris sometimes mixes up the pieces of multiple word phrases, resulting in [[wikipedia:spoonerism|statements]] like "[[Harvey Birdman Commercial|harvey-dirdban]]" and "rell-wested".<ref>[[Ode to Julie]]</ref>

Chris has difficulties with the post-vocalic L in words like real /ˈɹiːəl/ and medal /ˈmɛdəl/, pronouncing the "al" as an "o" (real becomes Rio, medal becomes meadow, jail rhymes with mayo, etc.)

Chris has difficulty pronouncing the letter "X" (/ks/ or /gz/), as well as related consonantal digraphs (/sk/, /st/), pronouncing it either as an "/s/" sound (elision) or as a "/t͡s/" sound (fronting); for example, he pronounces the number 6 as "sits". In addition, he pronounces the voiced "th" sound (/ð/) as "d", even when it's not deliberate (as in "da" standing in for "the"). This indicates trouble with consonants, known as [[wikipedia:Speech-Language_Pathology_in_School_Settings#Articulation_disorders|articulation disorders]]. This may have also been caused by high-frequency hearing loss that Chris experienced as a young child (as noted by the [[autism papers]]). Oddly enough, Chris only has this problem in words spelled with the letter "X" - he pronounces plural and present-tense forms ending in "ks", "cs" or "gs" (all sounds associated with "X") properly.<ref>[[Incest call]] - Chris clearly says "dicks" with a /ks/ sound at the beginning of the recording</ref> It's also not unheard of for older Southern people to pronounce the letter that way, and Chris may have picked it up from [[Borb]].

However, given the above, it is most likely he has [[wikipedia:cluttering|tachyphemia]]. This explains most of his speech and grammar usage.

==Chris's singing voice==
''Main article: [[Chris and music#Singing|Chris and Music]]''

Chris cannot sing. Instead, he speaks loudly and rarely shifts his pitch in songs when every other singer does. His singing voice is so unbelievably bad that he is most likely tone-deaf, and early frequency hearing loss backs this speculation up.<ref>[[Autism papers#SOCIAL_HISTORY]]</ref> As is the case with many tone-deaf individuals, Chris has not caught on to his impairment, resulting in him producing three [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys (album)|full]] [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys COMEBACK!|length]] [[SPARKLE like you mean it: ROBEE'S BALLAD|albums]] comprised of ''dozens'' of butchered psuedo-covers.

==Chris's transgender voice==
Chris has attempted to change his voice as part of becoming [[transgender]]. Though some MTF people are able to pull off a convincing female voice with practice, Chris isn't one of them. He opens his videos with a falsetto voice, but usually switches back to his natural voice at some point during a video.

== Sources ==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Chris and English]]

{{Health}}

[[Category:Physical characteristics]]