CWCki - User contributions [en]

Template:ClassicChris

2013-01-31T04:37:58Z

Mr Flylice: grammar correction on a user template

{{userbox
|box-border-col= #000
|box-bg-col= #006600
|id-bg-col= #000
|id-border-col= #000000
|info-col= #DB4444
|info-bg-col= #009900
|info-border-col = #000000
|id= [[File:2008ChrisSummary.PNG|50px|2008]]
|info= ''Misses Old Chris'' This user misses Chris's shenanigans from before the [[Tomgirl Saga]], and never wanted it to get this depressing}}
<noinclude>[[Category:Userboxes|{{PAGENAME}}]][[Category:Hobby userboxes]]</noinclude>
<includeonly>[[Category:CWCkipedians who miss the old chris|{{PAGENAME}}]]</includeonly>

User:Mr Flylice

2013-01-31T04:36:01Z

Mr Flylice:

When no one else understands what the fuck Chris is saying, I do.
Certified for employment as a Cat IV cryptological linguist; chooses to spend time researching the internet's favorite manchild.

{{ArmedForces}}
{{Americunt}}
{{OperationMailbag}}
{{straight}}
{{christian}}
{{JERK}}
{{transcriber}}
{{ClassicChris}}

{{Box}}

Tour of Chris's House

2013-01-15T02:57:15Z

Mr Flylice: Fixed. I don't even know how the original transcription lasted so long.

{{Articleofthenow}}
In these two videos, uploaded on [[2009#March|27 March 2009]], [[Chris]] provides a '''tour of [[14 Branchland Court|his house]]''' and the property that it's on. Such a video had been requested by both [[BlueSpike|Julie]]<ref>[[IRC (15 December 2008)]]</ref> and [[Ivy]].<ref>[[Ivy Q&A]]</ref> Like his own room, Chris's entire house is filled with junk.

Sometime in late [[August 2009]], Chris's parents found out about the video and [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|hilarity ensued]].

==Inside==

{{Infobox/video
| name = Tour of Chris's House - Inside
| video = {{#ev:youtube|Y_kcgnwfoBQ}}
| stardate = 27 [[March 2009]]
| previous = [[CWC_Major_Update_26_March_2009#Video|CWC Major Update 26 March 2009]]
| next = [[#Outside|Tour of Chris's House - Outside]]
}}
{{quote|My family is a bunch of pack rats…|Chris, uttering the understatement of the century}}

=== Transcript ===

[''drops camera, which lands pointing at an empty wall'']

Ow.

[''grunts and strains with effort to move things around off-screen'']

[''Natalie Imbruglia’s "Torn" plays in the background for a while'']

[''finally picks camera up'']

Still recording?!

[''starts tour'']

I’d say—well, that was the, uh… bathroom. I have to fix the door.

Um… here’s ''a'' bathroom. [[April 16 Fetish Vids|I take my shower in here ''often'']]. Uh… use some… [[Axe]] and… Head & Shoulders.

Bathroom sink… and a ''commode''.

Got a card t-table there… that I, uh, would sometimes set up when I wanna… play [[card games|cards]] in my room or something… or when I wanna do some work.

This is the ''kitchen''. Well, uh, just decided to leave the tree up, w-without the, uh, star on top. Yeah, it—it’s a bit of a ''mess''. But… at least we’ve got enough room to warm up a [[Christopher_Paul_Whitney_reveal|''pizza'']] or wash ''dishes''. All that good stuff. The bare essentials.

And… this ''was''… the living room. Again: before we… cluttered it up with so much… ''mess''.

And… go downstairs. Here’s the front door.

Goin’ outside. See some of it.

Here’s [[Chandler_Cats#Kitty_Chandler|Kitty]]. [''uses a baby-talk voice''] Hello, Kittyyy! What ya lookin’ at? Kitty, Kitty! Hello, Kitty, Kitty! Pretty!

Mmm… go downstairs further.

This would be the music room. Again: before it got cluttered. But now, my mom sleeps in here often.

Yep.

[''sighs loudly in a tone of despair''] My family is a bunch of pack rats…

Mmm…

Downstairs bathroom. Not much goin’ on in here.

And then, ''another'' hallway.

The… utility room. There’s a… washer and dryer… [''The [[Chris and fashion|"Classic" red and blue striped shirt]] can be seen''] and a hallway right outside… the door.

[''speaks in whispers''] This was the family room. It got cluttered and stuff.

Hi, [[Bob Chandler|Pop]]!

Bob: Hello, my son!

What’cha up to?

Bob: Goin' to pee.

Okay. Get on outta here!

[''Bob says something that’s unintelligible'']

Okay!

And… nowadays, the family room’s just basically used for… my dad viewing television… uh, a little bit of ''comfort''. And… he sleeps alone on that bed over there.

[''abruptly stops recording'']

==Outside==

{{Infobox/video
| name = Tour of Chris's House - Outside
| video = {{#ev:youtube|reiGhxyZ4ok}}
| stardate = 27 [[March 2009]]
| previous = [[#Inside|Tour of Chris's House - Inside]]
| next = [[CWC Update!!!!! 27 March 2009#Video|CWC Update!!!!! 27 March 2009]]
}}
{{quote|Got bats in our belfry.}}

=== Transcript ===

Alright. So, we’ve seen the inside, so… let’s take a look outside and… [''uses a baby-talk voice with his cat''] ''let the kitty come in!'' She wants to come in! Huh, [[Chandler_Cats#Kitty_Chandler|Kitty]]? [''Kitty comes inside as Chris heads outside''] See ya later!

Yep. Some of the front yard. Uh, it’s… a bit of a cloudy day.

[''groans weakly''] A branch hit my ear.

This is the front of the house.

[''exhales loudly''] This would be my father’s-- some of my father’s ''day lily garden''. More beautiful… during the ''summertime'', but the flowers have not yet bloomed.

Uh… my father’s… garden shed. He comes out here and listens to, uh… music on ''warm days''. Got all that good stuff in there. Got a swing in there. A swing.

Uh… ''a'' side of the house. Got bats in our belfry.

We got more stuff around here.

There’s an arboretum.

Uh… that would be the workshop. Uh… again: or—at least it used to be a workshop before… the inside got cluttered with… more junk.

And… more flower beds look bare in the summer time.

We have a ''hill''. It’s a hill. How would you say “a hill”? It’s a hill!

Uh… can’t see the front of the—uh, the front door… of the, uh, workshop clearly because it’s ''cluttered''.

This is the back of the house. Gotta have a back porch. That’s cluttered, too.

That’s our, uh… ''gazebo''.

I just tripped over a ''branch''.

[''sighs''] I could see it better if we didn’t have so many ''trees!''

This is Patty’s ''pen''. My dog. Yeah, God rest her soul, God… ''bless'' her soul.

Down here a little bit. Yeah… we buried her right there next to the gazebo! And… there’s her doghouse! Yeah, this branch… fell down from… that tree. Uh… it’s too heavy to pick up.

That would be the, uh, ''back door''… but… that door’s cluttered with stuff, so we can’t go in ''that'' way.

There—there’s a tractor. And… ''cars''.

And, uh… ''oh, yeah''… there’s the, uh… arch where I sat down and… did that fun little picture of me and Patti sitting together.

Is that our cat? Hi, [[Chandler_Cats#Scamper_Chandler|Scamper]]! What’chu doin’ over there?

[''uses a baby-talk voice with his cats'']

Yeah. There’s [[Chandler_Cats#Lucy_Chandler|Lucy]]. Hi, Lucy.

Yeah. Hi, buddy! What’cha up to?

Hi, Lucy! Lucy, Lucy! Pretty baby!

Hi, buddy! Just wandering about, aren’t you? Yeah.

[''switches back to his normal voice'']

And, uh… in the distance there, that’s… our ''mailbox''.

Just an ''old'' mailbox. It’s painted, but… it lost the paint due to weather.

Anyway… that’s our house! Hope you enjoyed, uh… a little bit of a ''tour''. Have a good day.

And, uh, unless you’re invited-- ''unless'' you’re invited, ''no trespassing''.

Again: that’s our house.

==Fan videos==

{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Resident Chris-chan
| video = {{#ev:youtube|RQWknv8GOT4}}
| stardate = 11 [[April 2009]]
| maker = MewLime
| subject = | type = }}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Resident Chris-chan 2: Homecomeuppance
| video = {{#ev:youtube|meAO487S0zM}}
| stardate = 03 [[May 2009]]
| maker = MewLime
| subject = | type = }}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris Chan: A Post Nuclear Autistic Role Playing Game
| video = {{#ev:youtube|DiA6Bp_L6yo}}
| stardate = 29 [[January 2010]]
| maker = RandomVideoDump
| subject = | type = }}

==See also==
*[[THAT IS MY HOUSE]]
==References==
<references/>
{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[CWC Major Update 26 March 2009]]|nextlink=[[CWC Update!!!!! 27 March 2009]]|}}
{{Videos}}

[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]
[[Category:Outdoor videos]]

[[Category:Chris-chan videos, March 2009| 2009-03-27]]
[[Category:Chris's house]]

User:Mr Flylice

2013-01-08T09:40:24Z

Mr Flylice:

User:Mr Flylice

2013-01-08T09:40:06Z

Mr Flylice:

When no one else understands what the fuck Chris is saying, I do.
Certified for employment as a Cat IV cryptological linguist- chooses to spend time researching the internet's favorite manchild.

{{ArmedForces}}
{{Americunt}}
{{OperationMailbag}}
{{straight}}
{{christian}}
{{JERK}}
{{transcriber}}

{{Box}}

4-cent garbage.com

2013-01-06T03:33:47Z

Mr Flylice: cleaned up a pair of links. One was done wrong, one led back to the page

{{DISPLAYTITLE:4-cent_garbage.com}}
[[Image:4-cent garbage.png|thumb|INTERNET AUTISTIC HATE MACHINE]]
'''4-cent_garbage''' is [[Chris]]'s representation of [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and 4chan. Since he blames ED for [[Megan Schroeder|breaking up the closest thing to a relationship that he ever had]], he must naturally demonize it in his comics.

In the comics, it is depicted as a business based in a large 72 floor office building in which several hundred [[Trolls|employees]] work. Apparently, the business runs both a website and a magazine, the contents of which are unclear. The website seems to be analogous to the real life ED, having several articles on existing people, or at least mentioning them<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_8/Page_30</ref> and a huge load of dickgirl images which are uploaded nearly constantly.
[[File:SchuComic8P11.jpg|thumb|You will never find a more wretched hive of lulz and trolling.]]
Jason's final speech in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]], as well as Chris's ramblings in the Time Void, seem to indicate that any percieved inaccuracies in the articles or images hosted on the site are deliberate attempts to slander Chris and his Sonichus.<ref>http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Issue_8/Page_31</ref> Why exactly Jason would wish to do this or [[Chris and his Ego#Persecution complex|why he has chosen to target Chris]] is never addressed, but his presence at the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|PVCC]] meeting in [[Sonichu 7|Sonichu #7]] seem to suggest that the company and all of its employees are a part of [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s secret trolling cabal.

It is worth noting that this is the closest Chris has ever made it to creating an actual [[parody]].

==Inspiration==
In [[2007]], while innocently stroking his [[Chris and his Ego|ego]], Chris discovered [[ED]]'s page satirizing him and [[Sonichu (comic)|his comic]]. What really [[Family Guy|ground his gears]] about the page was the "fan art" of [[Rosechu]] with a [[pickle|penis]]. Beginning 10 November 2007, Chris embarked on a quest to [[List of Christian's edits to Encyclopedia Dramatica|make the website less scathing]] by uploading hideously drawn [[Rule 34]] of his little abominations (and [[Mary Lee Walsh]]), along with the infamous [[ShecameforCWC.JPG]] to his page.

How Chris first encountered 4chan is less clear. An [[White knight e-mails#November 2007 .E2.80.94 ED alert|e-mail from a white knight]] on 5 November 2007 attempted to alert him to the ED page, and referred to the article as being created and written by the same people making fun of Chris on 4chan's /v/ board. Whether he paid any attention to the message or not, what is known is that on [[List of Christian's edits to Encyclopedia Dramatica#November 2007|12 November 2007]], Chris first acknowledged 4chan when he made another edit to the "Chris-chan" article:

{{quote|Christian Weston Chandler would like [[ED]] and [[4chan]] to know the following: '''I will continue to Shove The True Facts From My Heart and Soul Down Your Throats, only until you take this WHOLE PAGE Down For Good.'''}}

From this, it can be reasonably assumed that Chris discovered 4chan and ED around the same time, and that he considered them to be essentially one and the same. Chris would continue his Sisyphean edit war against ED well into 2008, but ultimately, all he succeeded in doing was alienating [[Megan Schroeder]].

By August 2008, Chris was finishing [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], and he apparently felt the need to address these recent developments in the pages of his comic. Issue #7 opened with Megan as a supporting character in the story, but with the [[Megan Emails, 2008#Megan asks Chris to leave her alone again.2C attempts to talk sense into him|real Megan wanting nothing more to do with Chris]], he decided to write her out of the story. As for ED and 4chan, Chris would lump these two concepts together and dub them "4-cent_garbage_Magazine.com." The name is a slight mystery, because underscores (_) are not permitted in Internet domain names.

==Introduction: ''Sonichu'' #7==
''Sonichu'' #7 was the first issue of the series to be influenced by Chris's interactions with online [[trolls]]. While Chris didn't finish the comic until 20 August 2008, the events of the issue are all set in 2 November 2007, one day before the ED article was created. Just as past issues of ''Sonichu'' were very loosely based on Chris's real life, he must have wanted to acknowledge the conflict with ED/4chan and his estrangement from Megan in #7. But all of that happened ''after'' 2 November 2007.

Chris's solution was the [[Time Void]]; a poorly-defined realm where Chris's character would be trapped for the next two issues. While stranded in the Time Void, Chris would somehow experience events going on in his real life while the fictional events in the comics unfolded without him. Upon entering the Time Void, Chris found himself assaulted by "random...new memories...popping in...my head!" These were memories of things that happened after 2 November 2007, so Chris was essentially using the Time Void to "remember" the future. Along with fictional events like the [[Sonichu 9|Battle of CWCville]], Chris also experienced "memories" of [[Joshua Martinez]] setting him up with "[[Lori Lopez]]", and Megan "dumping" him via [[Megan_Emails, 2008#Megan is scarred by ShecameforCWC.JPG|e-mail]].

{{quote|Dumping me? But why?!! 4-cent_garbage_Magazine.com? Mocking me? Slanderous Filth?!!! A drawing of me and [[Retcons|Meg-Chan]]... Intimate? And I drew that?!! She dumped me over that? Oh... that hurts! Still. Curse your 4-cent garbage!|Chris first mentions 4-cent_garbage in the Time Void|''Sonichu'' #7}}

It became clear from this scene that once Chris escaped from the Time Void, he would do battle with 4-cent_Garbage as a proxy for ED and 4chan, just as he had battled [[Jerkops]] and [[Manajerks]] as proxies for those who interfered with his [[Love Quest]].

==Conflict with Sonichu and Rosechu: ''Sonichu'' #8==
[[Image:4-CENT-GARBAGE.jpg|thumb|Sonichu and his super cool pals in front of the 4-cent_garbage.com headquarters]]
In the first part of ''Sonichu'' #8, "Rage Against the Garbage", 4-cent_garbage was formally introduced as a villainous organization dedicated to slandering people for the sake of amusement. (Note Chris's inability to differentiate between [[wikipedia:Defamation#Slander|slander]] and [[wikipedia:Defamation#Libel|libel]], the former of which requires spoken words or real-life gestures, impossible for a website or magazine to do.) Rosechu discovers the site on 3 November 2007, which just happens to be the date that [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] created the "Chris-chan" article on ED. The site's content includes a page that slanders Sonichu, Chris, and her, along with "lifelike" drawings of Rosechu with a [[pickle]]. While Sonichu is overcome with the [[stress]] of seeing his mate depicted with a penis, Rosechu decides to fight fire with fire by editing the site, just as Chris had tried in real life. She crawls into her [[April 16 Fetish Vids|dirty, mildew-laden bathroom]] and takes pictures of herself in the [[nudes|nude]], and then uploads them onto the 4-cent website. However 4-cent_garbage simply adds more dickgirl pictures, and she realizes that her plan will never work.

Instead, she travels with [[Sonichu]] and [[Wild]] to 4-cent_garbage's headquarters in [[wikipedia:Clarksville, Tennessee|Clarksville, Tennessee]], to confront the leader of the organization. While Wild sneaks into the building in search of one of the [[Sonichu Balls]], Sonichu and Rosechu take the elevator to the top floor, and meet [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] and his 17-year old "womanslave" [[Kathleen Nicole Wallace]], who had previously cameoed in issue #7. The meeting is civil at first, but when Jason refuses to take down the "Chris-chan" page, Sonichu tries to fight him, and loses. Rosechu fares better as [[The Incredible Lioness]], having [[Chris and the law|inflicted wounds that would have killed a normal man]] in fact, but the page remains up, and their mission is ultimately a failure.

==The Fall of 4-cent_garbage: ''Sonichu'' #10==
[[File:Jason's Hexbox.jpg|thumb|Jason plots against Chris with his [[HEXBox]].]]
Upon Chris's return from the Time Void on 9 [[August 2007]], he immediately coordinates an attack on the 4-cent_garbage HQ, ordering Sonichu, Wild, [[Black Sonichu]], [[Punchy Sonichu]], and [[Son-Chu]] to meet him in front of the building. Chris arrives first as [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]], and Jason and [[Beel]] lay a trap for him and try to steal his [[medallion]]. However, Chris discovers that the TRUE AND HONEST source of his Anchuent powers is his [[high school ring]], which he uses to retrieve the Medallion and free himself.

Later, when Chris's allies arrive, he orders Son-Chu to transform into a sound stage for [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]]. Using the [[Gitar of Fail]], Chris then leads the band in a live performance of [[Revive Zordon]], and the intense power of their music begins to shake the building apart. Inside, Jason converts his throne into an escape pod, and flees with Kathleen, leaving the others behind. Jason declares that he is retiring from trolling, in order to settle down with Kathleen and live a normal life. Chris also takes the time to use Jason as a mouthpiece to condemn [[Clyde Cash]] and [[Jack Thaddeus]] for "slandering and torturing and innocent man", [[Hypocrisy|even though that was what Jason was supposedly doing not two issues ago]]. Beel meanwhile decides to take shelter in the basement, explaining that he could not be killed and would simply be reassigned to [[Count Graduon]] once the building was destroyed, and Clyde and Jack, alone on the top floor and with no way out, choose to commit suicide by leaping down the elevator shaft together just as the building collapses, refusing to let themselves be killed by Chris.

[[Twin Falling Towers|The building then gives way and collapses, with 1500 people still alive inside.]]

[[Sonichu 10|Sonichu #10]] reports that of the 1500 people who were in the building...
*500 were "[[Chris and reality|prefectly [sic] unharmed]]".
*250 were too drunk to escape on their own.
:*125 of these drunk trolls managed to get out alive with help from sober trolls.
:*125 of the drunk trolls were hurt, injured or killed.
*125 sober trolls were hurt, injured or killed.
*250 others were injured.
*150 others were "safe but hurt".
*100 were killed.

[[Honor Roll|Note that this only accounts for 1,375 people.]]

Despite having just destroyed a building and killed between 100-350 innocent people, Chris then calls for the ambulances himself whilst he and his team of recolors help to rescue the survivors that they themselves had nearly killed. Afterwards, Chris then [[Chris and remorse|weeps for the victims of his own mass murder]], whilst also maintaining that it was [[Chris and his Ego|the trolls' faults they were killed, because they made fun of him on the internet]].

Supposedly, destroying 4-cent_garbage's headquarters disabled its website as well, along with Encylcopedia Dramatica's website, such that both sites' data was irrevocably lost, and neither would ever be restored.

==The 4-cent_garbage building==
4-cent_garbage appears to be a multimedia operation, with a website and a print magazine operated from a brick-and-mortar building in Clarksville, Tennessee. The location of the building is probably intended to refer to where the real Jason lives, or at least where Chris ''thinks'' he lives.

The 4-cent_garbage building is 72 stories tall (66+6, as described by [[Beel]]), and the interior is painted bright red to resemble [[CWCville|Hell]]. On the ground floor, Beel sits at the receptionist desk and directs visitors to an elevator on the far side of the atrium. Employees are seen on several higher floors drinking an alcoholic beverage called "[[Reeb]]", and passing out on the floor when their shift is over. Their work seems to involve sitting at computer terminals, uploading and editing images of Chris and his characters.

On the 72nd floor, Jason Kendrick Howell holds court with his womanslave Kathleen at his side. It is unknown where Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus were stationed in the building, or what their jobs were before the building's destruction.

Security in the building was incredibly lax. [[Wild Sonichu]] turned invisible to sneak into the upper floors in search of a [[Sonichu Ball]], only to find it left on a desk. Once he took the ball, his invisibility wore off, but he was still able to slip back out of the building unnoticed.

===The elevator gags===
[[Image:SchuRchuReactions1.jpg|thumb|Planning? In MY ''Sonichu''? It's less likely than you think.]]
[[File:SchuComic9Page19-B.jpg|thumb|What is this, I don't even.]]
[[File:SchuComic9Page19-C.jpg|thumb|That's right, the entire White House is on the 51st floor.]]
[[File:SchuComic9Page19-D.jpg|thumb|Chris's favorite pictures from ED.]]
A large part of "Rage Against the Garbage" features Sonichu and Rosechu exploring different floors in the 4-cent_garbage Building. Why Sonichu and Rosechu would stop at so many different floors to look around at whatever's going on is never explained, but they clearly react to whatever is depicted, meaning that they must have pressed all the buttons on the elevator controls for no good reason.

This appears to have been one of Chris's attempts to employ some of his trademark [[random-access humor]], by showing wacky stuff on each floor. Much of the material featured in these pages were images lifted directly from [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], whether Chris understood their context or not. In some strange attempt at foreshadowing, Chris located these images on ED and then put them on his user page while he was still trying to edit the site.

{{quote|You'll be seeing the following images AGAIN Soon Enough.|Christian Weston Chandler, on the images he put on his ED user page, which would later be used in ''Sonichu'' #8.}}

Whatever his reasons, Chris seemed to believe that using images from ED in one of his comics would somehow be a big deal. The floors used in the comic are listed below, along with a description of what Chris put on each one.

*2nd floor: Chris draws 4-cent_garbage.com employees passed out drunk at their workstations. When the one of them recovers from his hangover and gets up, he relieves the only other conscious employee of his shift and takes over. The relieved guard then drinks a can of "[[Alcohol|Reeb]]" and passes out on the floor like the others, while Sonichu and Rosechu look on from the elevator and [[sigh]].
*3rd floor: [[Pedofork|Pedobear]] in a bathtub with the Powerpuff Girls. Sonichu doesn't understand the joke.
*4th floor: Banner reading "I hate SMRS", a reference to "[http://encyclopediadramatica.se/Sonicrocksmysocks Sonicrocksmysocks]", from the ED article of the same name.
*7th floor: A 4-cent_garbage.com employee works on a drawing of Rosechu with a dick. Rosechu angrily leaves the elevator to punch him in the face, shouting "I have a vagina, uterus, and ovaries, you freak!!!"
*8th floor: Sonichu spin dashes a 4-cent_garbage.com employee working on a picture of [[Mary Lee Walsh]], nude and leading Sonichu by a leash.
*9th floor: Sonichu and Rosechu electrocute an employee as he works on a picture of Sonichu sucking Rosechu's penis.
*10th floor: Chris emerges from the [[Time Void]] to attack an employee working on a picture of Chris using the [[Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail]]. Sonichu and Rosechu cheer him on in unison.
*11th floor: Troll parody of artwork by [http://encyclopediadramatica.se/Branca Branca], a batshit insane fan of the animated band The Gorillaz. Sonichu considers it to be sad.
*12th floor: Fan art of Knuckles as a gangster, surrounded by sexualized versions of female "Sonic" characters. Sonichu [[naïve]]ly wonders when he became so popular.
*13th floor: Female versions of [[Sonic]], Tails and Knuckles. Sonichu and Rosechu are dumbfounded.
*14th floor; Pedobear, depicted to resemble Phoenix Wright.
*21st floor: [[Wikipedia:The Bathers (Cézanne)|''Les Grandes Baigneuses'']] an 1887 painting by [[Wikipedia:Paul Cézanne|Paul Cézanne]]. ED has a copy of the image which has been edited with captions to reference the "Branca" article on ED.
*22nd floor: ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' Rule 34, from the ED article. Sonichu innocently considers it an impressive dark magic attack.
*23rd floor: An anthropomorphized Charmeleon with her arms handcuffed behind her back spreads her asscheeks, as if for sexual activity. More Rule 34 from ED's ''[[Pokémon]]'' article. Sonichu ignores the sexualized content, and boasts that he could easily defeat the Charmeleon. Well, duh, it's handcuffed.
*24th floor: Hate art of Snapesnogger's hermaphrodite naga character drawn by Zeriara.
*33rd floor: Rule 34 Art from ED's ''[[Transformers]]'' page.
*34th floor: [[Sonic]]/[[Amy Rose]] Rule 34. Sonichu cheers on his "pal" as they watch him have sex in a position very similar to the "missionary cowgirl" used by Sonichu earlier in the issue..
*35th floor: Nude artwork of [[Amy Rose]], Rouge the Bat, and Cream the Rabbit. Sonichu and Rosechu shout "Holy Crap!" in unison.
*36th floor: Strip poker game featuring various female characters from ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]''. The image has been adapted into a parody of a ''Magic: The Gathering'' Card.
*51st floor: The entire White House, with John McCain, Sarah Palin, and Hillary Clinton, looking on while [[Barack Obama]] paints the walls black. [[George W. Bush]] cheerfully knocks his eventual successor off his ladder. Sonichu and Rosechu offer no discernible reaction. Chris notes that his father [[Bob Chandler]] came up with this "joke." Recall that this story is set in the fall of ''[[2007]]'', so the joke really makes no sense for that year.
*61st floor: Erotic artwork of Dot Warner, from ''Animaniacs''.
*62nd floor: Erotic artwork of Lois Griffin, from ''[[Family Guy]]''.
*63rd floor: Erotic artwork of Marge Simpson, from ''[[The Simpsons]]''.
*64th floor: Rule 34 of Misty and a Starmie, from ''[[Pokémon]]''. Sonichu and Rosechu make out during this and the preceding three floors.
*69th floor: Image of "XBOX 360-ko", an anime-style character patterned after design elements of the XBox 360. As the following floor features an Xbox 360 console being destroyed, Chris includes a disclaimer, stating that his hatred of the [[HEXBox]] should not be connected to any lingering resentment of women.
*70th floor: Drawing by Chris of an Xbox 360 console being chopped in half with a meat cleaver. Sonichu and Rosechu applaud the instrument's destruction. The imagery is a clear indication that Chris secretly desires to murder women.
*71st floor: [[PS3]] message congratulating whoever murdered the HEXBox. It states that you may "now play your PlayStation 3 or Nintendo Wii in peace", as though the existence of a single Xbox somehow interfered with such activity.

Note that it is never addressed whether or not the images such as the Rule 34 depicted here are really just drawings on a computer or poster in the building, or if they have a physical presence. However, the fact that Sonichu cheers on [[Sonic]] as he has sex with [[Amy Rose]] suggests that they are really there.

===Business and Staff===
{{quote|I am a troll with no such beliefs, I know that we are born, then we die. I intend to make the most of my pitiful life by tormenting every person within my grasp until they all die from the shame and the distress of their existance. The page will stay up; this meeting is over!|Jason Kendrick Howell, responding to Sonichu's request to remove the "Chris-chan" page, ''Sonichu'' #8}}

4-cent_garbage does not appear to have any clear marketing objective. While this may seem like an oversight on Chris's part, it may well be a genuine commentary on the pointlessness of 4chan and ED's activities. While most people would consider them to be entertainment sites, with no other purpose than to provide humor or diversion, Chris obviously doesn't find them funny, and so he depicted 4-cent_garbage as a tower of bullies, mass-producing cruelty for its own sake. In the comic, Jason says his only goal in life is to hurt as many people as he can before he dies. While he may have only been speaking for himself, this seems to be the ''raison d'être'' for everyone else who works there.

In ''Sonichu'' #10, Beel explains that "this trolling gig is my hell", suggesting that he has been condemned to work there, possibly because he had once been "main assistant to Adolf Hitler". Unable to die, Beel would simply be damned to serve yet another villain, [[Count Graduon]], once the 4-cent_garbage building was destroyed.

While [[Clyde Cash]] had been previously depicted in [[Sonichu Special 1|''Sonichu Special'' #1]] as an agent of [[Mary Lee Walsh]], he also appears in ''Sonichu'' #10 supporting 4-cent_garbage. Though confusing in some respects, especially concerning the canonicity of the Sonichu Specials, this dual role may not be a complete contradiction, as the exact relationship between 4-cent_garbage and [[PVCC]] is never explained.

==References==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]]
*[[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]]
*[[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]]
*[[Jason Kendrick Howell]]
*[[Kathleen Nicole Wallace]]
*[[Beel]]
*[[Clyde Cash]]
*[[Jack Thaddeus]]
*[[The Incredible Lioness]]
*[[Revive Zordon]]
*[[Twin Falling Towers]]
*[[Chris and death]]

== External links ==
*[http://www.4chan.org/ 4chan] - A *chan imageboard and inspiration behind 4-cent_garbage's name.
*[http://encyclopediadramatica.se/ Encyclopedia Dramatica] - An internet satire wiki and inspiration behind 4-cent_garbage's role in the comics.
*[http://789chan.org/cwc/ /cwc/] - Another *chan imageboard which sometimes adopts the name 4-cent_garbage in reference to the comics.

{{CWCverse}}
[[Category:Villains]]
[[Category:Fictional places]]
[[Category:Trolling]]
[[Category:Websites]]
[[Category:ED Saga]]

User:Mr Flylice

2013-01-05T02:46:07Z

Mr Flylice:

When no one else understands what the fuck Chris is saying, I do.

{{ArmedForces}}
{{Americunt}}
{{OperationMailbag}}
{{straight}}
{{christian}}
{{JERK}}
{{transcriber}}

{{Box}}

Template:ArmedForces

2013-01-05T02:45:11Z

Mr Flylice: Created page with "{{userbox |box-border-col= #000 |box-bg-col= #B30000 |id-bg-col= #D0DDDD |id-border-col= #D0DDDD |info-col= #FFFFFF |info-bg-col= #4F4F4F |info-border-col = #D0DDDD |id= [[Ima..."

{{userbox
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|box-bg-col= #B30000
|id-bg-col= #D0DDDD
|id-border-col= #D0DDDD
|info-col= #FFFFFF
|info-bg-col= #4F4F4F
|info-border-col = #D0DDDD
|id= [[Image:Guiledad.jpg|50px|I salute you, good sir]]
|info= '''Armed Forces''' This user is a member of the military, and is required to maintain a flat top haircut.}}
<noinclude>[[Category:Userboxes|{{PAGENAME}}]][[Category:Types of people userboxes]]</noinclude>
<includeonly>[[Category:CWCkipedians who transcribe videos|{{PAGENAME}}]]</includeonly>
<noinclude>[[Category:Userboxes|{{PAGENAME}}]][[Category:Types of people userboxes]]</noinclude>

File:Guiledad.jpg

2013-01-05T02:32:31Z

Mr Flylice:

User:Mr Flylice

2013-01-05T02:07:18Z

Mr Flylice:

When no one else understands what the fuck Chris is saying, I do.

IN DEH MAREEN CORE IRL

{{Americunt}}
{{OperationMailbag}}
{{straight}}
{{christian}}
{{JERK}}
{{transcriber}}

{{Box}}

Talk:Song of Christian

2013-01-05T02:02:49Z

Mr Flylice: /* Transcribed the second video. */

He kind of sounds like Conker from Conker's Bad Fur Day.~[[User:gourmetpickle]]
* Oh god, you're right! Can't unhear. --[[User:Lime|Lime]] ([[User_talk:Lime|Scold?]] | [[Special:Contributions/Lime|Undo?]]) 00:30, 14 March 2009 (CET)

==The F in English==
There's some confusion over what F Chris is referring to. Some believe that he got an F for this video (though how could he get an F for a video where he's complaining about getting an F for?) but based on the fact that (after listening to it again), he talks about how he started out with an A and the teacher kept going "lower and lower" with his grade, it seems to suggest that Chris is complaining about his cumulative grade in English and thought he'd throw in his bitching at the end since his English teacher would have to see it. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 02:06, 3 October 2009 (CEST)

I think it's just referring to the poetry assignment. It might be his arrogance to assume that the assignment was worth an A, and then in the teacher's evaluation of it, she lowered that deserved grade all the way to an F. It being the cumulative grade in English does make sense, but if Song of Christian 2 was also made in mid-May, it would be too early to get a final grade. Although it's possible that he found out via an early warning notice or something.

I also find it unlikely that this video was for the class. I just always thought of it as him playing around with his camera, talking about various things relevant to him. However, if it were for class, it would most likely be only the first video; the second one only talks about the poem kind of as an afterthought. He makes reference to presumably his English teacher, with a name that is unclear, but starts with a B. In any event, it's different from the name (if it were a name) he said in the 'indecipherable mutter' soon before the reading of the poem. [[User:Pitifuladultlife|Pitifuladultlife]] 15:25, 11 October 2010 (PDT)

I think it is highly unlikely that Chris had a video camera to play around with at age 16. Chris has a lot of disposable income now because of his tugboat, but before he turned 18 his parents were probably keeping it all, and we know he didn't have a job. Chris was likely issued a camera by his school to make this video. Also remember that this was before youtube, so Chris didn't have the expectation that everyone in the world watches every video he makes. If he made this in the privacy of his own home for his own edification, then why is he referring to the teacher as 'you' and speaking as if she can hear him. [[User:Hazard|Hazard]] 20:21, 20 December 2010 (PST)

=="I talk well"==
Transcribing is a son of a bitch when this guy shoots out something three words in advance, and has to backtrack.
''And anyway, say, uh, sh-should, uh, or should I say this old-fashioned ah...'' He's a fuckin' dyslexic Foghorn Leghorn! Chris also uses language to infer that his audience should already know all about him. I'm assuming that in these ''pre-internet'' days he would ''blab'' incessantly about himself to kids and teachers.

The mumble after the poem's introduction sounds like "Here it is, Miss Snow[?]". Perhaps grudgingly addressing a teacher under his breath? [[User:Mall Conductor Bear|Mall Conductor Bear]] 06:59, 17 May 2009 (CEST)

== I wonder who this video was made for? ==

I wonder who this video was made for? It wayyy predates Chris's YouTube adventures, and he can't possibly have thought of creating this sort of self-promotional DVDs at that time. It's pretty clear why he included it on the DVD (since the idea was probably to cram in every piece of video featuring him, ever), but who did he, ''at the time it was filmed,'' think this video was made for? Did he just pick up a camera and think "I shall create 'The Christian Chandler Show' in my image"? If he just wanted to rant about the poem not getting enough respect, why film it? ...just a few questions that probably never get really good answers. --[[User:Wwwwolf|Wwwwolf]] 16:47, 7 June 2009 (CEST)
*I think the standard interpretation is that this was made for a class project, though it's possible he made it for himself. However, the fact he asks people not to laugh, that he addresses his English teacher, etc. seems to suggest that it was for his class. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 02:03, 3 October 2009 (CEST)

== Transcribed the second video. ==

Now I'm going to go stick my dick in the toaster. It will be less painful than trying to figure out what this fat fuck was saying... [[User:AnalCactus|AnalCactus]] 01:25, 28 July 2009 (CEST)
:Good luck, there's a lot of stuff in the second video that I've been wondering about, particularly some of the things he says while raging on his English teacher--[[User:Megaman|''Super Fighting Robot Megaman!'' ]] [[Image:MegaManXRunning.gif]] 01:26, 28 July 2009 (CEST)

Just want to point out one mistake. I am 99 percent sure that in the second video he says "yeah I call that Cool. Yeah.... (trying to sound like a badass)." Kind of a more self-congratulatory thing (maybe for choosing to call it "cool") Instead of "Thats what I call cool" Great job but I wanted to point that out." [[User:815Ssox]]

I think the line "AND YOU MADE IT BURN" is actually him saying, "And you, Mr/Mrs. (Enternamehere)," which might grant us useless knowledge about his English teacher's name. So far, it sounds like Mrs. Burt or Byrd or something like that. --[[User:Mr Flylice|Mr Flylice]] 18:02, 4 January 2013 (PST)

== Tone ==

Why do you think that his voice sounds so far removed from his typical nasal monotone? Was it just that he had more energy at 16 (because he wasn't such a lazy fattie)? Less emotional baggage from all the crap that happened to him after high school? [[User:Semicolon|Semicolon]] 02:12, 18 August 2009 (CEST)

== Plagiarism? ==

Call me uncultured(I'm from Kentucky so it's probably correct), but what poem did Chris steal from? --[[User:OFSheep|OFSheep]] 03:08, 19 October 2009 (CEST)
* The poems are named right bellow the transcript of the "Song of Christian" in part 1. [[User:Griffintown|Griffintown]] 18:04, 20 October 2009 (CEST)

== Best Buy vs. Best Products ==

I know Christian has terrible pronunciation, but I really don't think he's saying Best Buy in the video. I think he's talking about the defunct department store Best Products. If you listen to the video again, I think it's obvious that he's not mispronouncing the word buy, but is fumbling saying the word products. I know it's minor, but at least part of the story makes more sense. --[[User:ThaFNFreak|ThaFNFreak]] 15:50, 5 November 2010 (PDT)
*Yeah, he's definitely saying Best Products. Also, it probably doesn't matter too much given Chris's slippery memory, but Best Buy didn't exist in 1982 and their store in Charlottesville looks like it opened in the 2000s. [[User:Apostrophe|Apostrophe]] 12:46, 7 November 2010 (PST)
**I also edited out the factual error about Best Buy, since it's no longer relevant. --[[User:ThaFNFreak|ThaFNFreak]] 20:16, 13 November 2010 (PST)

User talk:Mr Flylice

2013-01-05T01:57:35Z

Mr Flylice: Blanked the page

Clyde is Weaker than Water

2010-04-02T03:58:33Z

Mr Flylice:

[[Clyde is Weaker than Water]] is the third video threatening [[Clyde Cash]], uploaded by [[Chris]] on 30 [[October 2009]]. The proper use of still in the current video helps the intimidation factor since we don't see Chris straining with effort on this one.

Chris also shows that he can lift a chair (the same feat of strength and the same chair appeared in an old [[Power|video]]) and reveals that he is "repulsed" by "shirtless dudes" with "ugly pecs", advising them to wear a "[[muscle bra]]" (whether this is because Chris is a [[JERKS|self-hating male]] or overly muscled guys remind him of his latent [[Homos|homosexual]] urges remains to be seen).

Note how [[Mass Debating|his right arm appears slightly larger than his left]], go figure. Also of note in this video, we see that Chris's [[hair]]line has receded even more noticeably than before. At his current rate of follicle failure, his [[My Little Ponies]] may soon have to depend on manes of the pubic variety. Another thing Chris [[fail]]s at is coming up with a slanderous title: in martial arts, one of the most common advices is to "be like water", soft like a calm stream, but also strong like a thundering waterfall, and Chris is implying that Clyde is, essentially, as skilled at fighting as a martial artist. Not to mention, water is technically "strong" if you consider all the crap it "holds up."

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = Clyde is Weaker than Water
| image = {{#ev:youtube|ZZIyR8bWvRs}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 30 October 2009
| Maker = [[Chris|IBA_Chandler]]
| Performance Style = [[Image:comedy.png]] Comedy
| Saga = [[Image:clyde_saga.png]] Clyde Saga
| previous = [[SHE_IS_MINE_NOW#Ian's video| SHE IS MINE NOW]]
| next = [[Getting_Foam_Ed| Getting Foam Ed]]
}} </center>

===Transcript===

[[Image:Cwcstrongman.JPG|thumb|Check out ''these'' muscles!]]

Huh! Look at Mr. [[Clyde Cash]] now! Heh! His muscles are so weak, they fall right down. Look at that, he's so weak and feeble. Heh, look at him. And you know what, I highly recommend this to every dude who goes around shirtless: wear a [[muscle bra]]. Because nobody, and I mean nobody wants to see your dog-gone ugly pecs, they're so ugly and repulsive, ugh... creeps everybody out.

But anyway, you wanna see real muscles, check these out. [''The image changes to several photos of Chris [[fail|flexing]], the final one of him holding an office chair above his head with a strained look on his face. Chris does a very poor a capella rendition of "[[Wikipedia:The_Final_Countdown_(song)|The Final Countdown]]" throughout.'']

But anyway, enough said about me. This guy is really weak. Stay tuned for another ''piece''.

==See also==
*[[30 Push-Ups]]
*[[Power]]
*[[Sports bra photo series]]
*[[I AM STRONG]]

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgetytXwyxE WATER IS GOOD], the response from Clyde
{{clear}}
{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[SHE IS MINE NOW]]|nextlink=[[Getting Foam Ed]]|}}
{{Troll Videos}}

{{Clyde Saga}}

[[Category: Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Bob Walks In

2010-04-02T03:12:26Z

Mr Flylice: /* Transcript */

{{Honest}}
'''Bob Walks In''' is the most famous of the cybersex-chats with [[Julie]], in which [[Chris]] is caught [[masturbating]] by his father, [[Bob]].

==Background==

[[Image:Aiko-Chris's New Bird.jpg|thumb|right|140px|What Chris imagines Julie looks like...]]
The Chandler family [[14 Branchland Court|home]] only has one [[computer]], and it's in the kitchen. Every time Chris wants to engage in cyber sex, he's [[Mass Debating|spanking it]] in the middle of the kitchen/living room.

[[February 2009|Valentine's Night, 2009]]: Chris was on a hot e-date with his ONE, TRUE AND HONEST SWEETHEART [[Julie]]. Chris was moaning sexy, sweaty nothings into the microphone as he furiously pounded his bent [[duck]]. Unbeknown to Chris, trolls were tipped off that Chris was firing some [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|knuckle children]] and were dedicated to having Chris experience an awkward moment that would require Bob to watch his son stroking his bent duck, yelling like a horny retard. Four calls were made, the first three failing as Bob told them that Chris was "sleeping" (even though Chris was screaming "JULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" at the time). The final call, made by [[Miscreants]] agent [[Bryan Bash]], called up and told Bob "OH MY GOD, CHRIS MADE A VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND SAID HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF, YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!"

Bob dropped the phone, ran up the stairs and walked into his son's most intimate moment, and was, justifiably, horrified and appalled. In a rare moment of parental authority, he threatened to punish Chris by "cutting down the Internet". Chris, used to having things his way throughout his whole life, was appalled, confused and no longer aroused. The recording ends after Robert's many futile attempts to shut down the computer finally succeed.

This can be considered the pinnacle of the ongoing Chris-chan saga, as it represents a moment where Chris actually feels negative repercussions for his Internet behavior. It contains many memorable lines and is the height of emotional drama.

== Prelude ==

The following is Chris's phone sex session with Julie prior to Bob walking in. Throughout this whole audio, Chris bangs into stuff and whacks his keyboard while fapping and making slurping sounds (suggesting Chris [[fail|fails]] at performing even imaginary cunnilingus). If you love your life, it is advised that you do not read this transcript.

=== Chris Gets Started ===

Hey, Julie! (Says something "Molvanîa") Ah yeah, Good, you're on me. Alright, hi... you do that. Oh... ''(Rustling, possibly taking off clothes)''
Oh... Oh-ho-ho! Alright, (indistinct) clothes. Ok. Yep, I'm lying on the bed... do what you will.... mmkay. Ahhhhh... I could take a good guess.... very horny. Believe me, I've been very horny... before. Ohhh! Hhhh... Oh my... Oh my... Mmmm... actually, I'm pretty okay... mmm... Oh yeah. Cause is- cause it got stiff... for you. Mmmmm... Ahhh, ahhh yeah. Mmm... (spits on his hands) Okay, I'm licking your pussy while you're sitting on my face. Oh boy... Hhhh... Mmmmm... Mmmm.... Oh... Okay, but you know, just so you know, I learned that farts- farts on one's face causes [[Pink_eye|pink-eye]]. Ali- alri- alright, I'll let it go this time. I don't touch my eyes all that much anyway, but this time yeah... ''(begins fapping)'' Oh yeah. ''(slurp slurp slurp smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh yeah.... mmmm.... Oh yeah. ''(smack smack smack)'' mmmm... mmm... ''(slurp slurp slurp)'' Oh... mmm... You're facing mine as well. Oh boy, yeahhhh... that's good. Mmm. Mmmm... ''(smack smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh... ''(fapping gets louder)'' Mmm!

=== Adventures in China ===

''(Sporadic Windows beeping throughout)''Mmm... Oh yeah... Mmm... ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmm... mmmmmmmm.... Meeee-yeowww. mmm.. ahhh, that's fine. ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmmm... ''(faps even harder, banging into stuff)'' I was kind of expecting this myself. ''(faps even more hard'') Yeah... So do I... mmmm.... ''(fapping is very loud at this point)'' Ahhhh! MMm..... ''(phone rings)'' Mmm.... Mmmm.... I love you too, Julie...... you are, you are...

It's very good. Mmm.... Ohhhh yeah, it's awesome.... Awesome. Ah... ah yeah... ''(fapping speeds up)'' Mmm... Go ahead, get rougher, rougher... Mmmm.... Ahhh... MMm... Oh yeah... Oh yeah, yeah... Oh yeah... Oh YEAH, Julie, Julieeeeeeee, Julie!!! mmmh..... ahhh..... JULAYYYYYYYY! JULayyyyyyyy, JULAaaaay.... JULAY!!!! Julay... JULaaAaaAaaaAaaaAaAAAAAYY!!! ''(phone rings)'' Jullayyyy... ''(phone rings again)'' Mmm... ah, don't worry about that, my father will get it... he got it.... Continue. Mm.... Julie... JULAAAAAY....... Julaaaaaaaaah.

Oh yeah... oh yeah... oh yeah... mmm... oh.... mmm?? ''(phone rings)'' mmm... get on me.... I want... to be INSIDE YOU!... Oh yeah.... not yet... mmm. ''(smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' I'll fit in (?).....mmmf... ah.... oh yeah.... no problem... ahhhh... mmmm YEAH!! mmmf... ''(faps very hard)'' ahh... mmmm... oh yeah.... oooooh yeah... ah! yeah... yeaahhh!!! mmmf... (breathing heavily, bangs into something while fapping) mmm.... ''(phone rings)'' mmm... no it's okay, my father will get it, don't worry about it... keep going... it's already been got... please, I'm getting close myself... C'mon Julie... mmf... ahhh... mmm... mmm... oh yeah...

''Bob walks in at this point. Chris stops fapping.''

==Daddy catches Chris having one off the wrist==
{{quote|Get away from the internet, I'm cutting it down!!!|Bob "The Internet Lumberjack" Chandler}}
{{quote|NO DAD, NO!|Chris, during Goofy Time}}

<center>
{{#ev:youtube|ricmZy9VZMM}}
</center>

==Transcript==
'''Bob''': Christian, what are you doing? [''slurp slap'']
 '''Chris''': ''(immediately stops fapping, but knocks several things over)'' Nothing.
 '''Bob''': I’m getting all these crazy damn' calls. What're you doing?
 '''Chris''': Nothing.
 '''Bob''': Don't give me that crap. Now, what’s going on?
 '''Chris''': Dad, will you get out of here? 
 '''Bob''': No. [''string of Windows beeps''] I will not. [[Bryan Bash|People]] telling me that you’re about to kill yourself on [[YouTube]].
 '''Chris''': What?
 '''Bob''': What are you doing?
 '''Chris''': I’m not doin’ anything.
 '''Bob''': Want me to wake your mother up and find out?
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Well then get out of here, and off that Internet. 
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': What is your trouble?
 '''Chris''': I am not going to kill myself.
 '''Bob''': Get away from that TV.
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': Get away from the Internet. I’m cuttin’ it down, right now.
 '''Chris''': NO DAD NO!
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': What are you doin’?
 
 [''long pause, what sounds like the kitchen sink running, keys clicking on the keyboard, then single Windows beep'']
 
 '''Chris''': Don’t do it, Dad.
 '''Bob''': I’m gonna shut this thing right down.
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No! [''pause''] Dad, no. Stop!
 '''Bob''': Go wake your mother up; don’t bother me. Okay? [''pause''] Go wake your [[Barbara Chandler|mother]] up! Don’t bother me!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': Go and wake your mother up!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': You tell mm-her what’s going on. This thing is gonna go down.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': Yes!

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?tkrkgo0yoft Download]
*[http://www.slutload.com/watch/gEnIQ5EQM9C/Chris-chan-caught-fapping-by-his-dad.html Mirror]

{{FanChats}}

Bob Walks In

2010-04-02T03:11:25Z

Mr Flylice: /* Transcript */

{{Honest}}
'''Bob Walks In''' is the most famous of the cybersex-chats with [[Julie]], in which [[Chris]] is caught [[masturbating]] by his father, [[Bob]].

==Background==

[[Image:Aiko-Chris's New Bird.jpg|thumb|right|140px|What Chris imagines Julie looks like...]]
The Chandler family [[14 Branchland Court|home]] only has one [[computer]], and it's in the kitchen. Every time Chris wants to engage in cyber sex, he's [[Mass Debating|spanking it]] in the middle of the kitchen/living room.

[[February 2009|Valentine's Night, 2009]]: Chris was on a hot e-date with his ONE, TRUE AND HONEST SWEETHEART [[Julie]]. Chris was moaning sexy, sweaty nothings into the microphone as he furiously pounded his bent [[duck]]. Unbeknown to Chris, trolls were tipped off that Chris was firing some [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|knuckle children]] and were dedicated to having Chris experience an awkward moment that would require Bob to watch his son stroking his bent duck, yelling like a horny retard. Four calls were made, the first three failing as Bob told them that Chris was "sleeping" (even though Chris was screaming "JULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" at the time). The final call, made by [[Miscreants]] agent [[Bryan Bash]], called up and told Bob "OH MY GOD, CHRIS MADE A VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND SAID HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF, YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!"

Bob dropped the phone, ran up the stairs and walked into his son's most intimate moment, and was, justifiably, horrified and appalled. In a rare moment of parental authority, he threatened to punish Chris by "cutting down the Internet". Chris, used to having things his way throughout his whole life, was appalled, confused and no longer aroused. The recording ends after Robert's many futile attempts to shut down the computer finally succeed.

This can be considered the pinnacle of the ongoing Chris-chan saga, as it represents a moment where Chris actually feels negative repercussions for his Internet behavior. It contains many memorable lines and is the height of emotional drama.

== Prelude ==

The following is Chris's phone sex session with Julie prior to Bob walking in. Throughout this whole audio, Chris bangs into stuff and whacks his keyboard while fapping and making slurping sounds (suggesting Chris [[fail|fails]] at performing even imaginary cunnilingus). If you love your life, it is advised that you do not read this transcript.

=== Chris Gets Started ===

Hey, Julie! (Says something "Molvanîa") Ah yeah, Good, you're on me. Alright, hi... you do that. Oh... ''(Rustling, possibly taking off clothes)''
Oh... Oh-ho-ho! Alright, (indistinct) clothes. Ok. Yep, I'm lying on the bed... do what you will.... mmkay. Ahhhhh... I could take a good guess.... very horny. Believe me, I've been very horny... before. Ohhh! Hhhh... Oh my... Oh my... Mmmm... actually, I'm pretty okay... mmm... Oh yeah. Cause is- cause it got stiff... for you. Mmmmm... Ahhh, ahhh yeah. Mmm... (spits on his hands) Okay, I'm licking your pussy while you're sitting on my face. Oh boy... Hhhh... Mmmmm... Mmmm.... Oh... Okay, but you know, just so you know, I learned that farts- farts on one's face causes [[Pink_eye|pink-eye]]. Ali- alri- alright, I'll let it go this time. I don't touch my eyes all that much anyway, but this time yeah... ''(begins fapping)'' Oh yeah. ''(slurp slurp slurp smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh yeah.... mmmm.... Oh yeah. ''(smack smack smack)'' mmmm... mmm... ''(slurp slurp slurp)'' Oh... mmm... You're facing mine as well. Oh boy, yeahhhh... that's good. Mmm. Mmmm... ''(smack smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh... ''(fapping gets louder)'' Mmm!

=== Adventures in China ===

''(Sporadic Windows beeping throughout)''Mmm... Oh yeah... Mmm... ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmm... mmmmmmmm.... Meeee-yeowww. mmm.. ahhh, that's fine. ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmmm... ''(faps even harder, banging into stuff)'' I was kind of expecting this myself. ''(faps even more hard'') Yeah... So do I... mmmm.... ''(fapping is very loud at this point)'' Ahhhh! MMm..... ''(phone rings)'' Mmm.... Mmmm.... I love you too, Julie...... you are, you are...

It's very good. Mmm.... Ohhhh yeah, it's awesome.... Awesome. Ah... ah yeah... ''(fapping speeds up)'' Mmm... Go ahead, get rougher, rougher... Mmmm.... Ahhh... MMm... Oh yeah... Oh yeah, yeah... Oh yeah... Oh YEAH, Julie, Julieeeeeeee, Julie!!! mmmh..... ahhh..... JULAYYYYYYYY! JULayyyyyyyy, JULAaaaay.... JULAY!!!! Julay... JULaaAaaAaaaAaaaAaAAAAAYY!!! ''(phone rings)'' Jullayyyy... ''(phone rings again)'' Mmm... ah, don't worry about that, my father will get it... he got it.... Continue. Mm.... Julie... JULAAAAAY....... Julaaaaaaaaah.

Oh yeah... oh yeah... oh yeah... mmm... oh.... mmm?? ''(phone rings)'' mmm... get on me.... I want... to be INSIDE YOU!... Oh yeah.... not yet... mmm. ''(smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' I'll fit in (?).....mmmf... ah.... oh yeah.... no problem... ahhhh... mmmm YEAH!! mmmf... ''(faps very hard)'' ahh... mmmm... oh yeah.... oooooh yeah... ah! yeah... yeaahhh!!! mmmf... (breathing heavily, bangs into something while fapping) mmm.... ''(phone rings)'' mmm... no it's okay, my father will get it, don't worry about it... keep going... it's already been got... please, I'm getting close myself... C'mon Julie... mmf... ahhh... mmm... mmm... oh yeah...

''Bob walks in at this point. Chris stops fapping.''

==Daddy catches Chris having one off the wrist==
{{quote|Get away from the internet, I'm cutting it down!!!|Bob "The Internet Lumberjack" Chandler}}
{{quote|NO DAD, NO!|Chris, during Goofy Time}}

<center>
{{#ev:youtube|ricmZy9VZMM}}
</center>

==Transcript==
'''Bob''': Christian, what are you doing? [''slurp slap'']
 '''Chris''': ''(immediately stops fapping, but knocks several things over)'' Nothing.
 '''Bob''': I’m getting all these crazy damn' calls. What're you doing?
 '''Chris''': Nothing.
 '''Bob''': Don't give me that crap. Now, what’s going on?
 '''Chris''': Dad, will you get out of here? 
 '''Bob''': No. [''string of Windows beeps''] I will not. [[Bryan Bash|People]] telling me that you’re about to kill yourself on [[YouTube]].
 '''Chris''': What?
 '''Bob''': What are you doing?
 '''Chris''': I’m not doin’ anything.
 '''Bob''': Want me to wake your mother up and find out?
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Well then get out of here, and off that Internet. 
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': What is your trouble?
 '''Chris''': I am not going to kill myself.
 '''Bob''': Get away from that TV.
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': Get away from the Internet. I’m cuttin’ it down, right now.
 '''Chris''': NO DAD NO!
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': What are you doin’?
 
 [''long pause, what sounds like the kitchen sink running, keys clicking on the keyboard, then single Windows beep'']
 
 '''Chris''': Don’t do it, Dad.
 '''Bob''': I’m gonna shut this thing right down.
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No! [''pause''] Dad, no. Stop!
 '''Bob''': Go wake your mother up; don’t bother me. Okay? [''pause''] Go wake your [[Barbara Chandler|mother]] up! Don’t bother me!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': Go and wake your mother up!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': You tell mm-her what’s going on. This thing is gonna go down.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': Yes!

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?tkrkgo0yoft Download]
*[http://www.slutload.com/watch/gEnIQ5EQM9C/Chris-chan-caught-fapping-by-his-dad.html Mirror]

{{FanChats}}

Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!

2010-04-02T02:57:56Z

Mr Flylice:

[[File:Chrischanpantsu.jpg|thumb|right|I see London, I see <s>France</s> Greece, I see Chris's dirty crapped briefs]]
'''Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!''' was uploaded by Chris early in the morning of 14 [[March 2010]]. Chris is angry with [[Surfshack Tito (troll)|Surfshack Tito]], blaming him for causing a rift between Chris and [[The Wallflower]]. He then proceeds to threaten Tito by showing him his [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|underwear]], shouting in such a bad Scottish accent that it's [[Racism|insulting]] and being completely incompetent with a [[Pocket knife|knife]].

It should also be noted that seeing as Chris is annoyed that the personal details of the Wallflower have been leaked to the internet, it would only make sense in his continuing parade of [[fail]] that he should drop her name. ''Twice''. Furthermore, the very next video he released features her '''FREAKING PEN NAME IN THE TITLE''', which is exactly how the trolls identified her in the first place.

The kilt and various fake accents are probably supposed to be in honor of St. Patrick's Day. Little does Chris know, he's mostly invoking stereotypes about the Scots (kilts, the words "laddy" and "lassy"), while St. Patrick's Day is about Ireland. He also uses the anthem of the Irish Rugby team as the background music, instead of the actual Irish Anthem, whose highly-aggressive lyrics would be much more suited. Then again, Chris was always [[War Paint Video|quite ignorant about other people's cultures]]. He also refers to the English as "Brits", when, in fact, Britain encompasses England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

This is all aside from that the worst thing you can say to an Irishman is that you're Irish, when you're clearly not. Especially when you're from America.

Chris appears to have taken a liking to waving a knife around in his videos. He probably thinks this is intimidating, but most people would probably laugh at a gelatinous blob with a face waddling at them with a potato peeler. The fact that he rarely leaves his [[Chris's room|room]], let alone his [[14 Branchland Court|house]] also lowers the threat level considerably. Note that the [[medallion]] is still missing, but his [[Amnyfest Ring|high school ring]] makes an appearance at the end of the video.

Also, the [[Chris and English|grammatically correct]] title would be "…against ''us'' Brits."

==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!
| image = {{#ev:youtube|taiBe4ct_So}}
| Stardate = 14 [[March 2010]]
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Performance Style = {{Crazy}} Crazy
| Saga = {{Surfshack Tito}} Surfshack Tito
| Shirt = [[Image:Tanwidestripeshirt.png]] Tan Wide Lines
| previous = [[Don't Mess With Me]]
| next = [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|"Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!]]
}}

===Transcript===
[[File:FatBastardChris.jpg|thumb|right|A photo of Chris in his kilt.]]

[ [[Wikipedia:Ireland's Call|Ireland's Call]] is playing on the background.] 
Tito. Listen to me, you son of a bitch. Your-your days are numbered. I have forwarded your admission to H-Heather and also the awesomest gal-pal that we know between us, our [[Chris's Big Night Out II|Scarlet]]. And with great honor and glory, I will take pleasure in [[Homos#Evidence that Chris is a homo|beatin' up your ass]]. And also regain th-regain the love and trust and friendship of [[The Wallflower|Heather]].

Either way, you are going down, Tito, one way, 
[''Chris does a horrifyingly [[CWC Fighter|high kick]] wherein [[Homos|we can see his underwear quite clearly]].''] 
Two ways...! 
[''He then fiddles with a knife for a good eight seconds.''] 
...or three. 
[He puts the knife on a desk off screen]

[''Chris begins badly imitating a Scottish accent and standing effeminately with one hand on his hip.''] 
Ach, ye wee laddy. You not gonna get me [[Chris and sex#Bestiality|lassy]] today. 
[''He comes closer to the camera and diverges into an accent somewhere between Scottish and Jamaican.''] 
I kick yo' ass with me shillelagh! [''He fails to produce a shillelagh.'']
[''He holds up his right fist to display his high school ring.''] 
And mah ring, man! 
{{clear}}

==See also==
*[[Death threats]]
*[[Surfshack Tito]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Don't Mess With Me]]|nextlink=[["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!]]|}}
{{Troll Videos}}
[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!

2010-03-30T01:48:50Z

Mr Flylice: /* Transcript */

[[File:Chrischanpantsu.jpg|thumb|right|I see London, I see France...]]
'''Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!''' was uploaded by Chris early in the morning of 14 [[March 2010]]. Chris is angry with [[Surfshack Tito (troll)|Surfshack Tito]], blaming him for causing a rift between Chris and [[The Wallflower]]. He then proceeds to threaten Tito by showing him his [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|underwear]], shouting in such a bad Scottish accent that it's [[Racism|insulting]] and being completely incompetent with a [[Pocket knife|knife]].

It should also be noted that seeing as Chris is annoyed that the personal details of the Wallflower have been leaked to the internet, it would only make sense in his continuing parade of [[fail]] that he should drop her name. ''Twice''. Furthermore, the very next video he released features her '''FREAKING PEN NAME IN THE TITLE''', which is exactly how the trolls identified her in the first place.

The kilt and various fake accents are probably supposed to be in honor of St. Patrick's Day. Little does Chris know, he's mostly invoking stereotypes about the Scots (kilts, the words "laddy" and "lassy"), while St. Patrick's Day is about Ireland. He also uses the anthem of the Irish Rugby team as the background music, instead of the actual Irish Anthem, whose highly-aggressive lyrics would be much more suited. Then again, Chris was always [[War Paint Video|quite ignorant about other people's cultures]]. He also refers to the English as "Brits", when, in fact, Britain encompasses England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

This is all aside from that the worst thing you can say to an Irishman is that you're Irish, when you're clearly not. Especially when you're from America.

Chris appears to have taken a liking to waving a knife around in his videos. He probably thinks this is intimidating, but most people would probably laugh at a gelatinous blob with a face waddling at them with a potato peeler. The fact that he rarely leaves his [[Chris's room|room]], let alone his [[14 Branchland Court|house]] also lowers the threat level considerably. Note that the [[medallion]] is still missing, but his [[Amnyfest Ring|high school ring]] makes an appearance at the end of the video.

Also, the [[Chris and English|grammatically correct]] title would be "…against ''us'' Brits."

==Video==
{{Infobox/video
| name = Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!
| image = {{#ev:youtube|taiBe4ct_So}}
| Stardate = 14 [[March 2010]]
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Performance Style = {{Crazy}} Crazy
| Saga = {{Surfshack Tito}} Surfshack Tito
| Shirt = [[Image:Tanwidestripeshirt.png]] Tan Wide Lines
| previous = [[Don't Mess With Me]]
| next = [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|"Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!]]
}}

===Transcript===
[[File:FatBastardChris.jpg|thumb|right|A photo of Chris in his kilt.]]

[ [[Wikipedia:Ireland's Call|Ireland's Call]] is playing on the background.] 
Tito. Listen to me, you son of a bitch. Your-your days are numbered. I have forwarded your admission to H-Heather and also the awesomest gal-pal that we know between us, our [[Chris's Big Night Out II|Scarlet]]. And with great honor and glory, I will take pleasure in [[Homos#Evidence that Chris is a homo|beatin' up your ass]]. And also regain th-regain the love and trust and friendship of [[The Wallflower|Heather]].

Either way, you are going down, Tito, one way, 
[''Chris does a horrifyingly [[CWC Fighter|high kick]] wherein [[Homos|we can see his underwear quite clearly]].''] 
Two ways...! 
[''He then fiddles with a knife for a good eight seconds.''] 
...or three. 
[He puts the knife on a desk off screen]

[''Chris begins badly imitating a Scottish accent and standing effeminately with one hand on his hip.''] 
Ach, ye wee laddy. You not gonna get me [[Chris and sex#Bestiality|lassy]] today. 
[''He comes closer to the camera and diverges into an accent somewhere between Scottish and Jamaican.''] 
I kick yo' ass with me shillelagh! [''He fails to produce a shillelagh.'']
[''He holds up his right fist to display his high school ring.''] 
And mah ring, man! 
{{clear}}

==See also==
*[[Death threats]]
*[[Surfshack Tito]]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Don't Mess With Me]]|nextlink=[["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!]]|}}
{{Troll Videos}}
[[Category:Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

CWC's Sonichu Site!

2010-03-30T00:29:58Z

Mr Flylice: /* Sonichu-Fans */

[[Image:Hackedbyjosh.jpg|right|thumb|Hey Faggot, 
My name is Joshua Martinez, and I hate you. You are a fat, retarded, no-life who spends every second of his day drawing stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you just take to a whole new level. This is even worse than fucking an anime blowup doll.
 
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than "jack off to naked drawn animal people"? I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are a faggot who should just kill himself. Thanks for listening.
 
Pics Related: It's me and my bitch]]

'''CWC's Sonichu Site!''' (full title: '''The Official & The Originial '''''[sic]'' '''From Christian Weston Chandler the Sonichu and Rosechu Site!''') was launched on August, 17, [[2000]] to celebrate the Chris-Chan's greatest creation, Sonichu. The site has resided at different webhosts over the years since [[troll]]s keep hacking Chris's password. Since the site is frequently hacked and/or down, a mirror of the site from [[November 2008]] is archived [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/ here].

== Design and content ==

Chris likes to harp on how he took two HTML classes and likes to construct his page on Netscape Composer, a mercifully discontinued software product. It is fairly obvious that either the HTML classes didn't teach good web design principles, or Chris slept through those sections.

The main hub of the Sonichu site is the front page, which has frequently been compared to [http://www.timecube.com/ Time Cube]. The comparison isn't entirely unfounded, though Gene Ray at least had an ounce of sanity what comes to color choices and readability. Like Gene Ray, Chris dumped everything on the front page, all of the content centered. Chris also added things to the page to random places with little thought on where they go, and didn't really have the time and energy to update the page. In the latest incarnations, the page had mentions of ''[[Animal Crossing]]'' material, Chris's changes to the comic, and had "[[Copyright]] CWC and Nintendo", long after the end of the [[Miyamoto Saga]].

Chris's site also boasted that it was a member of the "Super [[Sonic]] Webring"; closer inspection reveals that Chris's site is not listed as a member of the webring, and Chris failed to insert the correct codes (i.e., he failed to put in his member ID, leaving "_SITE_ID_HERE_" in the links) — this simple failure to follow very simple setup instructions may have been why he was not approved as a member, as Webring owners usually checked this. His Fastcounter link is also broken. His guestbook code appears to come from someone called "Starytime"; since Lycos's guestbook system is broken, we have no idea if he badly copypasted this too (hijacking some poor sod's guestbook in process), or if it really was Chris's guestbook.

=== Sonichu-Fans ===

Sonichu-Fans was a small sub-site of Sonichu.net, created by [[PandaHalo]], and meant for use by Chris's [[fans]]. Most of the site's features were never really created. Its most notable feature was "Sonichu fan chat", a Java IRC applet that connected to [[Sonichu (IRC chat)|Rizon's #sonichu channel]]. In the days following its introduction, Chris appeared in the fan chat in person a few times.

[[Image: Lolcwcoldsite.png|right|thumb|Related searches: Dating Services and the Holocaust.]]

=== Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack ===
{{main|Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack}}

After the nuclear winter following the release of [[Sonichu 8]], Chris made a solemn promise not to release any more naughty imagery. Naturally, he had to break this vow when the Sonichu Girls forum members asked nicely. (Actually, they didn't as much ''ask'' as they merely ''happened to exist,'' and Chris thought up something nice for them.)

== Hosting history ==

=== Primordial origins ===
The originial incarnation of the Sonichu Site was hosted on the near-legendary free host for crappy personal web pages, Tripod, at <nowiki>http://sonichuchandler.tripod.com/cwcson.htm</nowiki> (http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://sonichuchandler.tripod.com/cwcson.htm). As the site was launched back when it was not yet a crime to violate aesthetics and common sense in web design, Chris's page blended right in.

Chris even reminisces about his "Sonichu Site Filing Facility Hosted by Tripod" in [[Sonichu 10|Issue 10]] — not that it makes any frigging sense. It is probably just some sort of a comic-page manifestation of a psychotic break. He even calls this "burning the Tripod bridge". The fact that trolls hacked the site must have been particularly traumatizing to Chris.

In the comic, Chris-Chan Sonichu defeats some bad-acid-inspired devil trolls, moves his files away from Tripod and bombs the crap out of the site, then says "Tripod was weak, in security, and it lacked the support for Flash media, anyway". In truth, the fact that Chris's site was hacked was entirely due to his weak passwords and sloppy security practices (for example, in security questions, he has put in answers that could be looked up from the web; everyone knows his [[Mary Poppins|favourite film]]). And fascinatingly enough, [[CWCipedia]] doesn't support Flash either — otherwise, we'd be thrilled to see what kind of craziness his two HTML classes could inspire him to create in Flash.

=== [http://sonichu.net sonichu.net](2007 - January 2009) ===

Established in [[2007]] sometime after trolls registered sonichu.com. (In Christian's words, "nothing but net.") Was hacked at least twice (read: Chris gave out his passwords). Sonichu.net was hacked in [[January 2009]] by [[Gregg Mays]], prompting Chris to show his [[fangs]]. The domain was sold on [[eBay]] and is currently used to host a [[parody]] CWCville homepage. In February 2010, it was turned into a Meatspin mirror. The parody page can still be accessed at [http://www.onetruecwcville.net onetruecwcville.net].

=== [http://www.sonichu.info sonichu.info] (January 2009) ===

Quickly established in [[January 2009]] to replace sonichu.net, and just as quickly hacked. The site now redirects to [http://www.sonichu.110mb.com sonichu.110mb.com]. When the man takes you away, do not resist.

=== [http://www.sonichuandrosechu.com sonichuandrosechu.com] (Early 2009 - August 2009) ===

After a hiatus Chris finally relaunched his site here. It lasted a little longer until he gave his password to [[Julie]] with predictable results. This incarnation is most notable for seeing the debut of Chris's official Rule 34 section, [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack]]. As of August, the website is down.

=== [http://www.cwcville.com cwcville.com] (April 2009 - May 2009) ===

After another hiatus, Chris relaunched his site at this new domain on 9 [[2009#April|April 2009]]. Since Chris doesn't know how to manage the mess of links he has created, some remain broken such as the one to [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack]], so you'd have to change the domain name to visit it. Da major update he made to this site was to paste his [[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile|autobiography]] after it got deleted from [[Wikipedia]].

On 15 [[May 2009]] it was hacked yet again, and featured gay pride imagery and a message that demanded the completion of [[Sonichu 9]]. This was later replaced with images of [[Joshua Martinez]] and [[Vanessa Hudgens]], some of the pictures suggesting that they have some sort of a [[sweethearts|relationship]]. As of August, the website is down.

An archive of the site in all its fugly glory can be found [http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcville/ here].

=== [[CWCipedia]] (July 2009 - March 2010) ===

In late [[July 2009]] Chris finally began to use the [[CWCipedia]], a wiki given to him by [[Cogsdev]] so that he could share his version of events with the [[True and Loyal Fanbase]]. Predictably, it wasn't long before Chris started abusing the free webspace provided by using it as his defacto new site. As of early August he's not only uploaded every comic, but the [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys (album)|debut album]] of [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys]]. CWCipedia has been locked down twice, first time due to Chris posting unauthorized advertisements, the second time in February 2010 due to DMCA claim by [[Evan]]. In [[March 2010]], [[Mao]] purchased the CWCipedia for $100, placing it out of Chris's control, at which point trolls vandalized the everliving shit out of it, greatly improving it. WikiSysop, however, decided to ruin everyone's fun and reverted much of the vandalism... for now, at least.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:163-cwcsonstecrdver2.jpg|Banner
Image:193-soniclgo.jpg
Image:194-SchuSteLgoIdea2.jpg
Image:195-SchuSteLgoIdea3.jpg
Image:196-Schulgo.jpg
Image:197-cwcsonstecrd.jpg
Image:198-cwctop50.jpg
</gallery>

== See also ==

* [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack]]
* [[The OFFICIAL Sonichu & Rosechu Blog]]

== Links ==
* [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/ A archived of version of the original Sonichu site in all of its retarded and fugly glory]

[[Category:Chris's websites]]

Pocket knife

2010-03-29T23:26:10Z

Mr Flylice: /* Use of knife */

[[Image:Chrisslitsthroat.jpg|How Chris wishes he could use the knife...|thumb|left]]
[[Image:Selfstab.jpg|How Chris will use the knife in real life|thumb|right]]
Chris's '''pocket knife''', given to him by the powers that be, is his newest means of threatening the [[trolls]] and anyone else who stands in the way of true love. It is a small, multi-bladed "Swiss Army"-style tool, first seen in videos from early March 2010.

Exactly why Chris believes that anyone would be intimidated by a penknife is a question for the ages.

Why Chris chose to get a knife is also a mystery, but it is interesting to note that a blade was [[Liquid Chris|Liquid Chris's]] weapon of choice in [[Sonichu Special 4]]. Although the irony is probably lost on Chris, it's likely that the only reason he chose a blade was because it was cheaper and easier to get than a [[Megatron pistol|gun that didn't turn into a robot]].

== Use of knife ==
In [[Don't Mess With Me]], after Chris gets the invisible [[Clyde Cash]] in a headlock, he tries to take the knife out of his pocket, [[Fail|succeeding only on the second attempt]]. After fiddling with it for a good three seconds, he manages to get the blade out. He then uses it to slit Clyde's imaginary throat.

In [[Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!]], he brings it out again. After fiddling with it for a good ''eight'' seconds in a futile attempt to fold out the main cutting blade, he gives up and proceeds to effortlessly take out the corkscrew tool, using it to threaten his new foe Surfshack Tito.

Chris believes this knife is the cure to all his troll problems. In his threats to this very [[CWCki]], delivered on 14 March 2010, he claimed that "he is armed," evidently in reference to his newfound weapon. Obviously, Chris is overestimating the power of the blade and his competence with it were he to actually use it in a fight, as the mere act of opening it would give even the slowest opponent ample time to kick him in the [[pickle]]. Not only that, he'd have to travel all around the world to find every major member. There's also the issue that anyone smarter than Chris (read: everyone) is likely able to disarm an obese, laughably inept manchild with a pen knife. Or, you know, the fact that some members of the CWCki have their own weapons, thus meaning that if he tried this, Chris could very well end up getting a load of birdshot in his [[duck]], or facing the business side of a full-length [[Anime|katana]].

== Spotted in ==
*[[Don't Mess With Me]]
*[[Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!]]
{{Clear}}
==See also==

* [[Fangs]]: Chris's previous weapon used to menace trolls.
* [[Megatron Pistol]]: Chris's other previous weapon used to menace trolls.
* [[Cutco]]: The makers of mediocre, yet more intimidating knives.

{{Relics of Fail}}
[[Category:Relics of Fail]]

Chris and sex

2010-03-10T05:09:34Z

Mr Flylice: /* Prostitution */

{{Honest}}
{{oversized}}
[[Chris]] has a warped view of '''sex''' (aka "hanky panky"), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and a sheltered upbringing. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on HBO around age 16. He views pornographic films as "educational" and regularly purchases [[sex toys]] from AdamEve.com.

== Knowledge of sex and gender ==
[[Image:Thenightmarecontinues.jpg|thumb|Seven inches? Yeah, right.]]
Due to the combined threat of his somewhat [[Chris and English|slippery grip on language]] and his peculiar mindset on sex, Chris is noticeably confused about sexual terminology. While he ''may'' have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. Chris repeatedly refers to women as the "opposite gender" as opposed to "opposite sex." By definition, "gender" refers to the personality of a person, while "sex" refers to the physiology or genetics of a person, so a request from Chris for love from the opposite gender is an open invitation to MTF trannies. In [[Sonichu 9]], he referred to women as another species. While at times it may seem as if females are from another planet, they are still classified as ''[[Homo]] sapiens'', just like men.

In his world, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful...sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate".<ref>[[Mailbag 18#He might as well be talking about how to pilot the space shuttle|Mailbag 18]]</ref> He claims he learned everything from simply watching porn and hentai, and basic high school sex education. Who would think that such art forms could be this beneficial? This thinking has certainly worked wonders for Chris, who now believes that [[mass debating|masturbating]] a whole fucking lot will ultimately make him better at sex. And, he has a subscription to ''Playboy''!

Chris also suffers from the delusion that his [[duck|penis]] is [[Giant Penis Comic|huge]]. He also has a flaccidity problem, which is possibly a hormonal pathology or [[Wikipedia:Peyronie's disease|Peyronie's disease]]. Despite this obvious lack of virility, he is still a stud in his own mind. However, he has expressed jealousy of men whose penises are over seven inches long.<ref>[[:File:Evan responds to his death.png|Evan responds to his death in Sonichu 10]]</ref>

Chris has advised little children to play with the opposite gender's toys. According to him, boys should get [[My Little Pony]]s, and girls ought to go for [[Transformers]], all to better understand the opposite gender.<ref>[[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE]]</ref> In his [[Sonichu 9|Dating ED]] comic, the teacher gave boys "Barbara" dolls, while the girls received "Robert" dolls. Disturbingly enough, these are the names of his parents. This is consistent with Freudian psychology - to a child, their parents are their model for sexual relationships. Of course, Chris doesn't realize that not everyone is lucky (if you could call it that) enough to have parents like his.

Among other views of gender, Chris reveals a lot of sexist tendencies. Based on his failed attempts at getting girls at the mall, he has concluded that all girls are already paired up, lesbians, or distracted with shopping. He can’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that women just might not be drawn to a fat, dumpy psycho, carrying an "[[attraction sign]]" and followed by the unpleasant aroma of [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|shit]] mixed with [[AXE]]. This view is supported by [[Barbara]], who tells him how handsome and special he is, and how the girls won't be able to keep their hands off him. He obviously doesn't realize that all parents think their kids are the most beautiful little snowflakes in the world, and probably still sees her as an unbiased source for compliments.

== Moral basis on sex and double standards ==
[[Image:DatingEducation.jpg|thumb|250px|69ing? Intercourse? LOL. I mean ''really''? In a ''children's'' comic? 'Cuz they know all about this stuff.]]
{{quote|You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: But I say to you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.|Matthew 5:27-28}}

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is dictated by the Christian bible. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he ''hates'' [[homos]], but not hesitating to view lesbian porn and approve of it ("I like dykes[…]"). This logic probably stems from an episode of ''[[Family Guy]]'' where one of Meg's friends states that lesbianism is a choice, while male homosexuality isn't. This comment was intended as a joke, but like most satire, it flew right over Chris's head. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he plans on not losing his virginity until a [[Third date|third or fourth date]] with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). Well, guess that the whole “no sex till marriage thing” doesn’t matter that much now, does it?

The Christian Bible also frowns upon pornographers and sodomites, both sins of which he is guilty and holds no visible remorse. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK. In his defense, he did used to drink his own [[semen|cum]], so that the seed of his loins wouldn’t get lost à la Onan (but he probably doesn't know about that, so it's still just him being stupid). It should be noted that by doing this, he is technically eating his own [[Crystal|children]]. It is still uncertain whether he enjoys the taste of his [[semen|navy]], or whether he is too retarded to realize that Onan was punished for not doing God's will (by practicing the withdrawal method instead of impregnating his sister-in-law.) Whatever the reason, it's hilarious.

He also believes that premarital sex is okay as long as he's wearing a condom, because that means there will be a barrier between his [[duck]] and her [[china]]. Again, he doesn't understand that the sex itself is the sin, and not whether they're touching or not.

Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is partially because he goes to a very liberal church, and any question about premarital sex is interpreted quite liberally by [[Rocky]]. When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by the trolls, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which is wrong by Christian doctrine. Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his [[Love Quest|Fuck Quest]].

Chris seems to consider a woman sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he ever held, he announced his desire to upload on internet [[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#The Introduction Image Space is NOT Ad Space (CCS)|the video of his first full sexual intercourse]]. When interrogated over the desire of his partner's legitimate desire of intimacy, he merely added that he would simply [[Mailbag 31#In which Chris crosses yet another line|hide cameras, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public]]. This proves that for Chris, a woman is just a [[Megan Schroeder|living, sentient sex-toy]], existing only to validate him as a heterosexual.

==Chris in the act==
[[Image:JULAY-small.gif|right]]
Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with [[Julie]], and the infamous [[sex tape]] with [[Kimmi]] shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes ''female'' positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. Since Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a homo), Chris assumes that it's perfectly normal for a man to ride on top, lean forward, and moan while calling out his partner's name.

Chris's view of cunnilingus involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina in the same way a dog would slobber over his master. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris (if he even knows what ''that'' is).

Chris having sex also involves shouting his lover's name (JUUULAAAAAAY!!!) in the same way an adolescent would shout out "PENIS" during the Penis Game — again, copying what he sees in porn. Chris constantly speaks in a monotone yet high pitched and feminine voice, without any real feeling.

Chris takes an extremely long time to orgasm in these leaked media, suggesting that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (possibly from his bent duck, fat ass, lack of endurance) or psychological (possibly performance anxiety, high expectations, subconscious guilt about sex) in nature.

Some argue that based on such leaked media, Chris may not actually enjoy sex as a manifestation for expressing love or even for physical sensations, but in a more childlike way of getting some psychological satisfaction from doing something "naughty" and "adult." He only wants to have sex so that he won't be a [[virgin with rage]] anymore, and can be regarded as "normal."

==Staying straight==
''See also [[Homos#Fear of being a homo|Fear of being a homo]]''

Chris apparently thinks that homosexuality is contagious. He feels that spending time with men will turn him gay, so he insists on only having female friends ([[gal pal]]s). He admitted to using a ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' poster to stay straight. When he met a gay friend of [[Megan]]'s, he became hostile. In his apology letter to Megan, he had this to say:

{{quote|Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face. I tell you what, if I ever stoop down to changing my path, I might as well would get a gender change operation."'| Chris, "I'm sorry... *[[sigh]]*" , Sat, 20 Oct 2007 3:10 pm)}}

Chris's answers to [[Mailbag|fan mail]] suggest that he is bombarded by constant homoerotic thoughts and uses several unhealthy coping methods to suppress them:

{{quote|Although the gender change would be my "rather-to-do" over becoming a homo, but in your case, I would suggest looking at women more, fantasize yourself with their breasts and pussys [sic]; do this continuously. Hypnotize yourself; every time you have a homo thought, you will feel like you are being shocked by lightning and that it really hurts. And every time you fantasize women, breasts and pussy, you will feel calm, relaxed and good. But DO NOT hurt yourself physically for real; that would be really bad. In other words, you would be reprogramming your brain. | Chris, [[Mailbag 3]]}}

{{quote|First off, should such images enter your mind at random, just stop yourself. I have had this problem too. I would take all such images when they enter my mind and just delete them; I imagine, in my mind, rolling them all into a ball, shrinking it down, and tossing them into a garbage can that links to my Stomach through a direct bodily vein. I imagine the feeling of it falling through the vein and making its splash landing into the stomach acid and dissolving; gone forever. | Chris, [[Mailbag 4]]}}

To further reiterate just how straight he is, Chris released his infamous [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 18th, 2009|dildo crushing video]], featuring a sign on the back of his foot — which he uses to proclaim that HE IS STRAIGHT for the 9001st time — containing a crude drawing of a female body, consisting of breasts and a hairy vagina. Because this is what all straight men do to assert their heterosexuality.

In an [[IRC (02 January 2009)|an IRC fan chat]], Chris went so far as wanting to make homosexuality illegal:
{{quote|if I could have it my way, I'd make it illegal and forbidden to have homo Men; women are safe. Also, I would have the secondary definition of the word "gay", being Homosexual, REMOVED from the word in the dictionaries, and all instinctions [sic] and sayings of the word will ONLY LEGALLY be used to mean HAPPY, as it was originally intended among songs like "Deck the Halls".|Chris, 02 January 09, 11:59}}

When asked how he would go about this, he commented that homosexuals would be "taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts[itutes]" and that "prisons will no longer be divided between gender." Take a moment to consider how twisted that would be. He justifies this by saying that "it's bad enough they're mostly jerks, plus homo men are AGAINST God's will." Apparently lazy, greedy, sexually lascivious, vengeful retards who wish damnation upon others are all part of God's divine plan.

Chris also believes his "straight" blood could be used to engineer some kind of anti-gay vaccine:

{{quote|Spoiler Alert: In the comic, during my time in the void, I end up at a later year when scientists have truly isolated the Homo Gene, and needed to isolate the Straight Gene to make the Vaccine. I Personally Volunter [sic] a bit of my blood, they find the Straight Gene, and I take a couple of syringes with me back into the void on my trek back to my time. Guess who will be the first to be injected and transformed back to his past self Permanently... [[Reldnahc]]. I took two syringes for in case one of them breaks or gets lost.| Chris, [[Mailbag 1]]}}

The true irony of Chris' homophobia lies in his own logic. Chris hates [[Jerks|every male on the face of the earth]] save his [[Bob Chandler|father]] due to numerous rejections from women, under the guise of them already having boyfriends. [[Dating education|Completely confident]] that he is a perfect Adonis and that there must be some other reason women reject him, Chris took their statements to heart and came up with the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor]]. Now, if the the entire gay community were strapped down and tortured into being straight, Chris's already pathetically slim chances of finding a [[Boyfriend-Free Girl]] rocket down another notch, increasing the manchild's chances of dying alone, and the Gene Pool taking a step forward.

==Is Chris asexual?==
There is a possibility that Chris is asexual, and only emphasizes his being STRAIGHT due to the overwhelming portrayal in the media of men being sexually active and heterosexual. This could also explain some of his twisted views regarding sex and romance. He genuinely could not understand the appeal of most sexual activity, and just "goes through the motions." This would also explain why it appears as if he's uncontrollably horny all the time, as being fixated on sex with females means he's a straight adult. He also seems to have the perception that sex is a rite of passage, and that you cannot be regarded as an adult until you lose your virginity.

* He has the idea he must "maintain" his straightness, much like how he must regularly change the oil in the [[Son-Chu|Sonichu-mobile]]. While it could be that he is gay deep down inside, it can also be argued that he has no major sexual compulsions of any kind, and is just trying to induce them through [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|external sources]]. Why else would he have to try so hard?

* According to himself, Chris only masturbates twice a week, and states that it's only to keep his "[[Mass debating#Frequency|hormones under control]]," while most men masturbate daily, sometimes more.

* Chris did not discover masturbation until the age of 16, while most men figure it out once they hit puberty (around 11). Which would mean that either he had no libido or sexual interest in girls... or he's too stupid to figure out how to diddle himself. 16 was also the age where he pretty much discovered sex, not through physical sensation, but through an external source, in this case HBO's softcore films.

* Chris's interest in finding a [[sweetheart]] appears to have been spurred on by a desire for companionship, as opposed to a desire for a sexual relationship. This is supported by his constant emphasis on being "lonely," as well as requiring his heartsweet to be "caring and compassionate" (which is both ironic and stupid, as he wouldn't be able to reciprocate any companionship received, and who would want to be in a relationship with someone who ''isn't'' "caring and compassionate"?).

* Going with the above, in the ''[[Story of My Love Quest Days]]'', Christian states that he does not want a girlfriend for "hanky panky" but instead: "I need a Girlfriend, ''Solely'' for LOVE and TRUST!" [Emphasis added] Then again, this could just be his attempt at looking gentlemanly, and totally ''not'' perverted and sexist.

* While his creepy attempts at touching/kissing [[Megan]] and [[Emily|other]] [[kacey|girls]] would indicate some form of sexuality, it could be part of his limited perception of what it means to be a sexually active adult, or just pure and simple attempts at being straight under the rationale that if he does this to a woman, this makes him not a homo. He's not trying to molest girls and chase them around with a sign out of sexual desire, but rather out of a desire to be seen as either "straight" and/or "adult".

However, some autistics simply do not understand sexual attraction (for example, autistic and hugbox inventor [[Wikipedia:Temple Grandin|Temple Grandin]] chooses to be celibate because she admits that she really does not understand sexual attraction and that she lacks the ability, as a consequence of her autism, to engage in a sexual relationship). It's possible that Chris genuinely does not understand why two people would want to get together and have sexual intercourse, aside from the fact he's seen people in the media do it and that he thinks that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a [[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles|big boy]]. He hasn't grasped (and probably never will) that adulthood also involves such things as moving out, getting a job, and not sitting in one's room waiting for [[Monthly tugboat|Mommy Government]] to hand one everything.

When asked about it in the [[Mailbag 26#Chris and asexuality|mailbag]], Chris clarifies that he "[gets] an ERECTION when [he sees] WOMEN STRIPPING, or are already NAKED." The letter in question didn't actually ask whether or not Chris himself is asexual, but rather his opinion on asexual people.

==Pedophilia==

''See also [[Pedofork]]''

[[Image:ChrisChanDamageControl.jpg|thumb|right|250px|"I AM NOT A PEDOFORK, YOU DORKS!"]]
Although the Sonichu series was originally intended for children, Chris put a bunch of porn into issue 8. This included graphic depictions of Sonichu and Rosechu having sex, and multiple instances of Rosechu stripping naked. One of the most notorious sequences came near the end of episode 17, where Rosechu face-raped [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] to a near-death state after he taunted her by throwing a pickle at her. In the same episode an [[Zapina|anthropomorphic lightning bug]] exclaims "I've just turned 14-years cute!!!" and wishes to assist [[Rosechu]] in making porn for "[[women's rights]]." Rosechu says "I don't know child, what with the dumb laws." This quote is a good indicator that [[Pedofork|Chris believes the legal age should be lower.]] Chris later stated in [[Mailbag 3#Plush boobs and pedoforks|Mailbag 3]] that if given the power, he would change the age of consent in America to "Sweet 16", making it "another good reason it would be a 'Sweet' age." He is obviously unaware that age of consent is controlled by the state, and most states already have it set at 16 or 17. But in Virginia, it's 18. He also believes that kids can participate in "adult" activities, like perverse satires with adult themes and making a porno, as long as there's adult supervision.

All of his attempts at a classified ad for himself always start with "I'm looking for an 18-2X boyfriend free girl…" At his age, being seen with a woman a decade younger than him would be considered socially unacceptable and downright creepy, based on the "half-your-age-plus-seven" tradition. Of course, Chris doesn't understand social mores regarding age differences, so to him, if she's legal and breathing, she's fit as a sexual partner. This leads one to ask how low he'd go. If the legal age were, for example, 14, would he instead be saying "I'm looking for an 14-28 year old boyfriend-free girl…"?

Chris notoriously had sex with [[Kimmi]], an anime blow up doll that looks underage. He maintains that he stays straight by looking at a [[Sailor Moon Poster of Fail|Sailor Moon poster]], which features said character and her 8 year old daughter from the future, and when he was editing his [[ED]] article in his favor, one of his accounts had underage porn featured prominently on the user page. Most of the underage porn from this user page, along with a few other pieces of pornographic art chosen by him (which, ironically enough, includes Pedobear… ''twice'') would reappear in the "elevator gag" in Sonichu #8. One might argue that because of his notoriously bad facial recognition, he might not realize how young they actually are. But as mentioned in the [[The Tale of the Crazy Pacer]], he is quite good at age recognition (a talent common among autistics). This obviously brings up many questions.

To be fair, there is evidence to suggest that even Chris has '''some''' degree of an age limit. In one of [[Chris-chan Discusses...|Guru Larry's Interviews]] with him, Chris reacted with shock when Larry mentioned how another internet lolcow, [http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Spax3 Spax3], allegedly has a crush on Cream the Rabbit, a six-year-old character from the [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] series. This could mean that he looks down on someone going after someone so young or it could just be shock that someone shares a [[Love Quest|common interest]] with him... In addition, he stated that [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack|bestiality]] is wrong, but didn't mention the age factor.

Another thing to note is that Chris's own character [[Rosechu]] is based off [[Amy Rose]], another character from the Sonic the Hedgehog series, and one who is only twelve years old in canon.<ref>http://sonic.wikia.com/wiki/Amy_Rose</ref>

It's possible Chris only cares about getting his [[china]], and not so much how old it is. Then again, he doesn't ask for girls any older than him on his [[sign]], so clearly he [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|likes 'em young]], so to speak. But this also might be a throwback from his "old-fashioned" rearing, which demands that the woman must be younger.

==Bestiality==
{{quote|I can imagine myself doing it with a [[Patti-chan|collie]] at least. you know, like Lassie.|Chris in [[IRC (27 December 2008)]]}}

Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry is still debated, with people arguing that he doesn't participate in the furry community, and probably only draws furry porn because he is a creature of habit and is more used to drawing furry porn than human porn. There have been [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|some]] [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg|exceptions]], but nearly all Rule 34s he has drawn depict some furry creatures having sex. Chris has also used his hedgehog fursona while cybering with [[Julie]].<ref>CWC Cums for a Cat</ref> In the [[Giant Penis Comic]], Chris and [[Ivy]] both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. He most likely doesn't know what a furry is.

Another possible theory is, since Chris seems unable to mention the basic terms describing sexual action (see "china," "duck," etc.), the use of fursonas allows him to present sexual material in a cartoony, rather than realistic, fashion.

In his [[Chris-chan Discusses...‎|interview with ScrewAttackEurope]], Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself with his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form. Technically, this isn't bestiality. They're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals. Chris, however, is a man masturbating while drawing pictures of animals having sex with each other. That ain't normal.

Chris has also suggested that Brian from [[Family Guy]] be paired up with a 'any sexy breed' of dog.<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Family_Guy#Story_of_the_CWC_Episode_for_.22Family_Guy.22 Family Guy Article on the CWCipedia]</ref>

==Prostitution==
{{quote|"In my sarch[sic] on Craigslist, the ONLY women who left a phone number on their Ad were under "Adult Services", which they would have wanted money. I tried calling one, learned she wanted a hundred, then in the middle of telling my story about Jack and my PSN account recovery with a Sex video, she hung up on me. :("|Chris, wasting a prostitute's time}}

While being blackmailed by [[Jack Thaddeus]], Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked PlayStation Network accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

That's right, not even a prostitute would fuck Chris.

Previously, [[Brian Bash]] had sent a trio of prostitutes to [[14 Branchland Court|Chris's house]] so he would no longer be a Virgin with Rage. [[Hooker incident|Hilarity ensued]].

==Chris and rape==
{{Quote|I would appreciate it if I was FULLY UNDERSTOOD as the Noble Gentleman that I am.|Chris, a man who groped a [[Kacey|woman]] the first time he met her.}}

As Chris's sexual frustrations continue to build and build, some observers have raised the unsettling question of whether he might try to force himself on a woman. The possibility does seem real - his relationship with [[Megan Schroeder]] provides many examples of his [[Autism|inability to understand]] the importance of respecting physical boundaries and the simple fact that "no means no."

Thanks to his characteristic lack of empathy, Chris has almost no grasp on how emotional and physical intimacies develop in the real world. [[Anime]] and porn have taught him all the wrong lessons — he assumes that sex is something that just happens, and usually sooner rather than later. He quite literally believes the joke statement, "rape is how they say 'hello' in Japan". Being a retard, he assumes that not only is that true, but that it applies to Western culture as well. He took it as a given that Megan would put out if he won the [[PaRappa the Rapper]] contest and took her to [[Wikipedia:Seattle|Seattle]]. In his conversations with [[Vivian Gee]], he professed a belief that sex automatically happens after the [[third date]]. During his feud with [[CChanSonichuCWC]], he seemed to think that he’d be able to get some if he lured his rival's girlfriend [[Kacey]] to his house, and never mind that she'd probably be able to tell the difference between Chris and her ''real'' boyfriend. This is him again believing that everyone is as stupid and terrible with faces as he is.

Whether Chris understands rape as a concept is up for debate. He claims that he knows what rape is, but at the very least, his self-absorption and lack of empathy mean that he doesn't understand the gravity of rape, or its long-term consequences for the victim. It is possible that the only reason he knows anything about rape is through porn, where it isn't portrayed as bad, and the girl always ends up enjoying it in the end.

As stated above, Chris has claimed that in his ideal world, homosexuals would be ''"taken in and reprogrammed with multiple upon multiple pleasurable moments with female prison inmates and prosts[itutes]"''and that ''"prisons will no longer be divided between gender."'' It is unknown if Chris would obtain permission from the women before putting them to work "reprogramming" gay men, but the fact that he specifies prison inmates seems to imply that he doesn't expect the women to cooperate willingly. He also fails to realize that "reprogramming" homosexuals by forcing them to have sex with women constitutes rape. The fact that he believes prisons being co-ed would reduce the incidence of homosexuality shows that he is, on some level, aware that homosexual sex and rape occurs in prison, but he doesn't specify whether integration would allow men and women to have consensual relations or just shift the rape from male on male to male on female.

When [[IRC_(21_January_2009)|confronted with the news]] that his sweetheart [[PandaHalo]] had been raped by [[Clyde Cash]] and become pregnant as a result, Chris was easily distracted from the emotional impact of what had happened, and instead focused most of his attention on what kind of domestic arrangements would result, or whether he might have to forgo his trip to Nintendo of America headquarters in order to pay for an abortion. His first reaction was to tell her that he wouldn't blame her or "hold it against [her]". Any woman assumes as long as her mate isn't a misogynistic asshole that he wouldn't blame her, and being "reassured" of such isn't exactly comforting or helpful. Chris was even willing to accept the mind-boggling possibility that Panda might want to live with Clyde, and raise her child alongside him.

While [[IRC (23 July 2009)|pretending to be a troll]] in an IRC conversation, Chris suggested twice that the trolls should instigate him to rape [[Rocky]]. Whether Chris actually wants to rape Rocky and then use the trolls as a convenient scapegoat ("They made me do it!"), or whether he is particularly awful at bluffing, remains a mystery.

In [[Sonichu 10]], Chris reveals that he had traveled forward in time and, aside from finding the cure for homosexuality, he also meets his [[Lovely Weather|future wife]]. Mistaking Chris for his future self, his wife invites him home for some sexing. Chris seems to think that there's nothing wrong with having sex with a woman if she thinks you're someone else. Chris falls back on the old standby, "if she didn't say no, it's not rape." Like his stance on [[Women's Rights]], where he maintains he's not a chauvinist because he'd never physically abuse a woman, Chris fails to realize that there's more to it than that.

In his video [[IPods Down and Listen Up]], Chis "sings" about sexual assault with him as the "star" rapist. The lyrics describe the victim as a "[[Niggos|sleek, sexy panther]]" whom he fails to ambush as she flees. Then [[Sonichu's Edge|he chases her]], wears her out and, in his own words, ''"...You take it like a gal (gal), and then we pump (pump-pump, pump) ..."'' until impregnation.

Despite all these foreboding implications, however, it helps to keep a few practical facts in mind. Chris is a [[Chris and health|physically decrepit]] coward with an incredibly low threshold of pain. If he ever attempted to assault a woman, he probably wouldn’t get very far. For the sake of all involved, anyway, let's hope so. This is assuming that he doesn't squash her first with his [[obesity|massive girth]], in which case, there would be a problem.

== TL;DR ==
Chris is about as straight as his [[duck]].

==See also==
*[[Homos]]
*[[Women's rights]]
*[[Semen]]
*[[Mass debating]]
*[[Duck]]
*[[Chris and his ego]]

==Sauce==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Hair

2010-03-10T04:50:28Z

Mr Flylice:

[[Image:Baldtotheextreme.jpg|thumb|right|"I am not balding; I had a haircut in that video that started that Damn Rumor."]]

Soaked with grease and rapidly falling off, [[Chris]]'s '''hair''' is one of the many indicators of his unhealthy lifestyle.

The greasiness can easily be explained by Chris's [[McDonalds|diet]] and lack of regular bathing.

Due to what is speculated to be a hormonal imbalance, Chris is balding prematurely at the age of 27, which has made him look creepier and even more like a [[pedophile]] (and it does not really help that he tries do a combover). It is, however, a popular (albeit unlikely) theory amongst [[trolls]] that the baldness is a physical indicator of the [[stress]] Chris claims they put him through.

Naturally, Chris being Chris, he thinks it looks good, as proved in the [[Kacey Phone Call]], where he (while pretending to be [[Liquid]]) [[Chris and his ego|praised said haircut]]:

{{quote|Oh come on you know, ahh...I bet his [[Barbara|mom]] probably cut his hair and uh, that's uh..I think it looks good on him actually! I like his haircut. If I, I mean you know uh, I would probably get my hair cut that way in the near future.}}

If you were at all surprised to learn that Chris doesn't bother to go to a decent barber, but instead lets his mom cut his hair...well, you're new here, aren't you?[[Image:FutureCWC.jpg|thumb|What Chris will look like by December]]

When confronted in the [[Mailbag]] ([[Mailbag 17#Chris's receding hairline disagrees|17]], [[Mailbag 25#Balding issues|25]] and [[Mailbag 28#He's also going bald|28]]) about his obviously thinning hair, Chris was, as per usual, completely in denial.

==Hair mail==
Cassie, co-founder of [[Sonichu Girls]], asked Chris for locks of his hairs so all the Sonichu Girls can have them as a souvenir.

Because Chris can't say no to a pretty lady (or a dude pretending to be one, lol), he went to the trouble of cutting his hair, placing it into small baggies with a certificate of authenticity signed by the big C himself.

Due to the Mexican postal service (insert derogatory joke about Mexicans here), it took several months for the hair to reach Cassie. When it finally did, it was a shock.

Cassie described the hair as being "greasy" and having an odd odor. While Chris promised 200 locks of hair, only 23 packets were made. Chris included a letter to Cassie, in English and Chris's version of Spanish, with each side having a [[Sonichu]] drawing, where the Spanish side has Sonichu in a sombrero (you know, BECAUSE ALL MEXICANS WEAR OVERSIZE SOMBREROS).

===Gallery of hair===
<center>
<gallery>
Image:ChrisHair1.jpg|Now future generations of trolls will be able to clone Chris so they can have their own manchild to troll.
Image:ChrisHair2.jpg|The entire packets of hair, ready for distribution to loyal Sonichu Girls (read: [[trolls]] and especially [[homos]] from rival [[Gay 4 Sonichu]])
Image:ChrisHair3.jpg|Chris went to the trouble of making a certificate of authenticity for each lock packet. You know, to keep people from cutting their own hair and claiming it to be Chris's.
</gallery>
</center>

FUN FACT: You can't actually clone people from hair trimmings. The only part of the hair that contains DNA is the root, so hair needs to be pulled out, rather than cut in order to make a clone. (Possible future trolling option? We'd better do it soon or he won't have any left.)

==See also==
*[[Chris and health]]

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Sandy Rosechu

2010-03-04T18:18:37Z

Mr Flylice: /* Future */

[[Image:SandyRosechu.jpg|thumb|D'aww! She's just so cute before violently ripping [[Evan]] to shreds with her bare hands!]]

{{quote|Yay! This soft sand is fun! [[Pedofork|Thank you, daddy!]]|Sandy, ''[[Sonichu 10]]''}}

'''Sandy Rosechu''' is the bastard daughter of [[Simonla Rosechu]] and [[Wild Sonichu]], with many of the same design elements, making her [[Simonla Rosechu#Development|yet another kludge of a certain Chu]]. For whatever reason, she is able to harbor a desire for revenge and ninja-skills at a very young age, but she still has no discernible personality traits from the other [[Rosechu (species)|Mary Sues]] (assuming that they have any).

==Sonichu 10==
[[File:SandyKiller.JPG|thumb|Artist's depiction.]]

In [[February 2010]] Chris finally caved to [[Evan#Effort_to_remove_Simonla_from_Sonichu|pressure from Evan]], and agreed to kill off Simonla. He fleshed out the original [[:File:SchuComic11P81.jpg|death page]] to reveal that [[Wild Sonichu|Wild]] and Simonla had managed to shit out an egg together. It should be noted that Wild and Simonla were, as far as we know, never married, so Sandy is a bastard child. Moments later, Simonla is fatally wounded in a toilet explosion, and Wild sits on the egg ruminating about how much he and Simonla were looking forward to being parents, in an attempt to make readers care about [[Sonee & Rosey|the little blessing]]. Shortly after Simonla dies, the abomination hatches and asks where Mommy is. Ever sensitive and tactful, [[Magi-Chan]] promptly tells her that "Evan killed Mommy".

Sandy evolves into a [[rosechu (species)|rosechu]] in less than a week, and has the intelligence of a fourth-grader by the time Evan, Alec, Mao and Sean go to trial for killing Simonla. Naturally, all four are found guilty and are sentenced to be murdered in the most violent and bloody ways imaginable. Wild, responsible father that he is, encourages Sandy to brutally eviscerate Evan. Sandy does so, going as far as to mutilate Evan's genitals, right after displaying serial killer tendencies by taking Evan's glasses as a trophy. The duo round off this wholesome daddy/daughter bonding activity by delivering the killer blow together. If this wasn't fucked up enough, consider that Evan is technically, by the standards of the [[Chris and Reality|CWCiverse]], Sandy's grandfather.

===Prime taradox?===
[[Image:Lisa.jpg|thumb|A super intelligent girl with spiked hair?]]

[[Magi-chan]] clearly states that Evan and his murderous kin will be tried [[Chris and the law|and executed]] within the week. This accompanies a drawing of Sandy's obligatory [[rosey]] form, stating her age, bizarrely, as >1 years old. Plausible, if not logical. Then, Chris later depicts the evolved Sandy, at and age of <1 years old. Rationally, the executions would've been held months ago. Yet somehow, this evolved form is able to participate in the of the slaughter [[Asperpedia]] crew, leading to a few possibilities:

*The executions were postponed until Sandy was old enough to [[Chris and death|kill.]]
*There were several appeals made by Sean, probably regarding [[Tobacky|pot stickers]].
*Chris is retarded.

==Outside the comics==
{{quote|Sandy is pretty awesome, and not Simonla.|Evan's response to Sandy, on his DeviantART account}}

{{quote|She kind of looks exactly like Simonla, but with like Lisa Simpson hair.| Alec's response to Sandy, [[Alec_Benson_Leary_Phone_Call_9|9th Phonecall with Chris]]}}

Sandy is basically a giant "Fuck you" to Evan, since she's little more than a smaller version of Simonla with a few cosmetic changes and an epic THIRST! FOR! BLOOD! Chris even goes into detail that Sandy is basically filling every single role Simonla did, becoming a construction worker, hanging out with [[Zapina]] and basically every single thing Simonla has ever been seen doing (which, fortunately, was very little).

Nonetheless, despite the negative reception of Simonla, fans seem to have welcomed Sandy Rosechu into the series. Her popularity resulting in [[:Category:Sandy|fan art]] and even [[Fan:Capering_Berries|her own comic]] within days of her first appearance. This might be because she is one of the only characters with any sort of personality or depth. Time will tell if this characterization stands, however.

==Future==
It remains to be seen if Sandy will be a recurring or regular character, or if she will get sent to the [[Moon|Motherfucking Moon]], but if she becomes a recurrent character, Chris will find a way to pair her up with a sonee or a [[pedofork|sonichu]]. With Chris' recent announcement that he will be redrawing the end of Sonichu 10 yet again, her future remains up in the air.<ref>[[Twitter]]</ref>

==Sauces==
<references/>

{{Sonichu}}

{{stub}}
[[Category:Characters]]

Chris and health

2010-01-30T10:15:43Z

Mr Flylice: /* Mental health */

{{quote|Eat less cow meat; Grilled Chicken is healthier. [[Pickle|Vegetables]] and Fruit are a must; Walking or [[Father Call|Jogging]] is great exercise daily. Standing helps too; play some [[Guitar Hero]] on [[Guitar]], you have to stand while playing, and move a bit for fun and movement.|Chris' advice for [[Wikipedia:Ivan Drago|Ivan Drago]]<ref>http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Mailbag_2</ref>}}

[[Image:Ecp00065.jpg|thumb|Christian Weston Chandler is not a very healthy individual in any sense of this word]]
[[Image:DecayOfManChild.jpg|thumb|Chris in <s>60</s> <s>10</s> 5 years.]]
[[Chris]], as even those with a cursory knowledge of medicine could plainly see, is not in good '''health'''. Considering his [[obesity]], lack of exercise, poor nutrition, refusal to take a shower, and the grave disrepair/uncleanliness of his surroundings, he has an extremely high chance of developing potentially life threatening medical problems such as cancer, heart disease or diabetes.

==Nutrition==
Chris is a known fast food lover, eating either [[McDonalds]] or Burger King (usually with his [[Bob Chandler|father]]) at least once a day. He has been known to dine out up to 4 times a day. The fact that he's merely fat and not morbidly obese with such an awe-inspiring caloric intake and inactive lifestyle suggests a fairly high metabolism, one which will almost certainly not last indefinitely. On the rare occasion that Barbara does cook, it usually involves some cheap and easy-to-make food that often is not healthy. Many, many times, has Chris been shown to be a glutton for all kinds of food, eating excessively in public places and during parties. His complexion also gives insight into his daily nutrition, often showing various signs of acne and acne scarring. This suggests that Chris never drinks water, and that he drinks a lot of [[CWC Cola|carbonated drinks]] and [[semen|energy drinks]] (which have been proven to increase erratic behavior). His most probable nutritional intake is as follows:

* Breakfast: Usually nothing because he usually sleeps from 6 am to noon, but on the rare occasion he does eat McDonald's, or some other fast food restaurant with breakfast options.
* Lunch: Something quick at home, or fast food, either alone or with his father.
* Dinner: Eat out with family or poorly cooked meal by Barbara (although with her deteriorating health her poorly cooked meals may just become replaced by more fast food) or fast food.

In addition, it is believed that Chris's diet is one of the causes for his [[Dirty crapped briefs|fecal incontinence]] (the other one being [[Homos#Evidence that Chris is a homo|ramming stuff in his shit tube]]), as chronic constipation can be one cause of fecal incontinence;<ref>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fecal_incontinence#Constipation</ref> casually, it happens that Chris's diet of McDonald's, microwaveable food, and little or no veggies or fruit is very likely ridiculously low on fiber and thus a sure-fire way of causing constipation, and Chris has been going on with this diet for who knows how many years.

In short, Chris is a fatty, he denies it, and his food makes him shit himself.

It seems that his diet has finally caught up with him, as it was revealed in the [[Father Call|conversation]] with [[Kacey]]'s father that Chris's doctor has prescribed him [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atorvastatin Lipitor] for his high cholesterol. Chris claims that he stopped taking the drug in the fall of 2009, but whether he was being honest (especially given the number of obvious lies he told about his health in the course of the rest of the conversation) is uncertain.

===Places where Chris likes to eat===
* [[Country Cookin]]
* [[McDonalds]]
* [[Golden Corral]]
* [[Semen|Bedroom]]
* [[Chick-fil-A]]

==Exercise==

<center>{{#ev:youtube|c7BcDvftwhI}}</center>

{{quote|[…] while my body is Strong and Powerful, I am unable to Run Fast without losing breath 10-Seconds in Sonic-Running Speed.|[[CWCipedia]]<ref>http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Private_villa_of_corrupted_citizens#I_DO.21</ref>}}

Chris has probably never had any regular exercise since leaving [[Manchester High School|high school]], and the lack of physical activity has contributed to his already ballooning shape. Since he barely leaves his house and focuses his time on playing video games, his lack of exposure to the sunlight left his skin a frightening white that starkly contrasts to the dark background of his room while making videos. One might say that Chris is actually strong from having a lot of weight; however, in normal people this happens because the muscles must build up in order to be capable of moving a large weight, and since Chris very rarely performs any task more physically demanding that lifting an office chair, his muscles have withered away, leaving a body made almost entirely out of blubber, as evidenced by his incredibly thin and weak arms [[Sign Destruction Video|that are incapable of breaking wooden sticks]] and [[Chris Loses It|barely capable of tearing cardboard]].

When questioned about exercise, he regarded standing up and playing ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' as exercise. Needless to say Chris is clearly delusional. In Chris' [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|''PaRappa'' contest entry]], where he foolishly chose to dance, he seemed to get tired very easily from dancing for a mere 30 seconds and even stopped recording to take a break (evidenced by the abrupt change of position).

During the later stages of his infatuation with [[Kacey]], many of Chris's videos showed a growing obsession with his own physical power. Chris apparently believes himself to be a nigh-unstoppable testament to human might, and has made several videos dedicated to [[I AM STRONG|flexing]] and [[30 Push-Ups|feats]] of [[11042009 51 50|strength]], performing Herculean tasks such as lifting an office chair and almost doing fake push-ups. He appears to believe that he could defeat both his rivals [[Gregg Mays]] and [[Liquid Chris]] should it to come to blows, and as such has challenged them to fisticuffs multiple times.

Of course, Chris is once again completely delusional about his own abilities. The push-ups and curls he has done on camera only serve to demonstrate exactly how hopelessly out of shape he really is, and the [[CWCFighter|fighting]] [[Challenge for Clyde|moves]] he's shown us are laughably incompetent. Were Chris to get his wish and physically confront Gregg or Liquid, he would <s>almost</s> definitely have his ass handed to him.

In the Father Call and the subsequent [[Kacey and Liquid Call]], Chris made various claims about having taken up jogging. At one point he claimed to jog five miles a day, but it didn't take long for Kacey and her father to call him out on this obvious lie. The truth is clearly shown in the video [[Sonichu's Edge]], where Chris runs only a fraction of a mile and had to take six breaks to catch his breath, where as with a person in decent health would take a few seconds to jog the same distance without having to stop as often as Chris did.

==Hygiene==
[[Image:Didyoubathe.JPG|thumb|right|180px|Did you bathe? *SPOILER* No]]
{{quote|And [Sonichu] showers afterwards with shampoo and soap. He showers DAILY, and I shower Daily.|Chris, totally [[lies|lying]]<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21 http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Sonichu#C.W.C._Gets_A_Big_Power.21]</ref>}}

Chris's hygiene is perhaps his worst quality. Many times has Chris regarded [[Axe]] as a substitute for a shower. According to [[Emily]], he smelled of "rotten watermelons;" [[Robert Simmons V]] said that he had a variant of the homeless person stank, and field agents have said body odor masked with gallons of Axe.

[[Image:Plusoneshoweroffilth.jpg‎|thumb|left|Where Chris marinates in his own filth.]]
Because of the lack of showers and the decrepit state of his home, the kitchen and bath tiles are covered with a disgusting black and brown mold. Curiously, he endorses Axe Shower Gel. Considering that he refuses to take showers and is a sucker for Axe products, one wonders what he even bothers using it for.

Chris compounds this problem by frequently going for days without changing his clothes. Close perusal of his videos has shown him wearing the same shirt for as many as three or four days at a stretch. Fortunately, for his wardrobe at least, Chris sleeps in the nude, except for socks.{{cite}} There's something to think about.

Unless being immersed in his surroundings for so long has destroyed his ability to note his foul vapors, it's a marvel that Chris refuses to indulge in basic hygienic activities. Most likely, it's because time spent in the shower is time not spent playing video games, drawing terrible comics, or stalking young ladies. If he showered regularly, his -45% chance of finding a [[boyfriend-free girl]] would erupt all the way up to 0%.
[[Image:ChrisCavities.JPG‎|thumb|right|He's not even afraid to show the gaping cavities at the back of his mouth. Now that's [[honest content]]!]]

===Dental health===
Chris's fondness for baring his [[fangs]] in moments of [[Chris and anger|tard rage]] has revealed substantial dental work, particularly on his back molars, which look to have had most of their surface drilled and filled to deal with cavities. It seems likely that Chris takes about as much care of his teeth as he does any other part of his body, and that he'll be needing crowns and other painful, expensive dental surgery some time later in his life, assuming he lives that long.

Although it is difficult to tell, in the few instances we get to see his teeth, they seem to be a strange yellow-brown color, which is the result of large consumption of carbonated drinks, poor dental hygiene, and refusal to visit a professional under the influence of his massive [[Chris and his ego|narcissism]].

==Mental health==
[[Image:THAT ONE'S ON THE HOUSE.gif|right]]
[[Chris and psychology|As noted]], Chris has a hostile relationship with psychotherapy, so there is little that can be said about what mental illnesses he has. Because autism isn't nearly enough to explain the full spectrum of his abject psyche, many observers have tried to pin down Chris for a variety of mental illnesses ranging from sociopathy (minus the increase in charisma) to narcissism (ditto). Chris is so very, very screwed up that it's impossible to tell if he's really mentally ill or just that much of a waste of space.

The one mental failing that debilitates Chris most, even more than his autism, is his rigid refusal to adapt to his environment. This stubbornness, more than anything else, is what makes him such a frustrating failure of a human being—he refuses to advance mentally beyond the mind of a 10-year-old with some ''Playboy'' magazines stuffed under his mattress. Whatever mental problems he may have are only exacerbated by this stubborn inability to mature or even alter his tactics.

His social awkwardness, narcissism, and several other unwanted traits trace back to his inept parents, who spoil him and tell him life will be all sugar and rainbows. It is quite possible that Chris doesn't feel like his life has truly begun, that he is still in the "pre-adult" years- this could be related to Chris still being a [[virgin]], and a possible belief, subconscious or otherwise, that he isn't able to truly be an adult until he has sex. Since Chris has been pampered and sheltered from basically all forms of outside influence, he lacks experience with the real world, as well as basic feelings such as empathy, sympathy, consideration for others, and humility. His reaction to the real world can best be seen in his reactions to trolls; instead of dealing with them in a constructive way (taking their advice) or even a neutral way (getting the fuck off our internets), he will freak out, yell at things, blame his autism for his shortcomings, and maybe crush a [[dildo]].

He also has a peculiar notion that he is slim, broad-shouldered and tan, and that he has a full head of [[hair]] and is generally not creepy. This image comes from two things:

* His mother would always tell him how "handsome" he was. Clearly she needs to seek professional help too.

* He has an inability to remember faces. For example, during the Blanca incidents, trolls used pictures of two different girls to represent Blanca and he never suspected a thing; he thinks that he and [[Billy Mays]] would have looked the same if Billy shaved off his beard; and he believes [[Emily]] and Kim to be two different people when they are one and the same. In high school, he had to remember his own appearance by staring in the mirror, leaving his more youthful image of himself branded in his mind.<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchuComic8Page24.jpg Sonichu 7, page 24]</ref> The fact that the only distinguishing features of his cartoon characters are hair and eye color also point to this, although this may just be Chris being a [[Chris and art|shitty artist]].

Many people think that, far from being mentally ill, Chris is just misguided and simply needs to be steered in the right direction. [[White knight|However…]]

==Other deformities==
Bent at an irregular angle, Chris's [[duck]] is a thing of almost otherworldly horror. While there has been much speculation as to the cause of this, it is ultimately a mystery that will probably, thankfully, never be solved. While correctable, the process is expensive, and Chris has [[PS3|other,]] [[The Eye of Judgment|more]] [[Pokémon|important]] [[Sex toys|things]] [[My Little Pony|on]] [[Optimus Prime|which]] [[List of Chris's games|to]] [[McDonald's|spend]] [[Guitar Hero|his]] [[Monthly tugboat|(by "his" we mean "taxpayers'")]] [[Anime|money.]]

Chris also has mild [[heterochromia]], which he claims is the result of pinkeye medicine that he took in high school. However, in [[:Image:0043-YoungChristopher2.jpg|this photo]] of a young Chris, his right eye is green. He probably tells this story so people think he's [[Autism|special]].

His voice is also a very [[speech Impediment|severe deformity]], ranging in pitch from normal to the sound of a 3-year old girl on helium all the way to Gilbert Gottfried. In the [[Song of Christian]] video, his voice was comparatively normal in tone, even if he occasionally sounded like the title character from ''Conker's Bad Fur Day''.

==See also==
*[[Autism]]
*[[Obesity]]

==Sauce==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}
[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Sonichu's Edge

2010-01-30T09:06:20Z

Mr Flylice: /* Transcript */

[[Image:Parkay.jpg|thumb|Chris wishes he was eating this instead]]
[[Image:Sonichu's Edge.png|thumb|Artist's depiction]]
"'''Sonichu's Edge'''" (officially "'''Sonichu's Edge.MP4'''") is a video uploaded on [[December 2009| December 3rd, 2009]], in which [[Chris]] goes "[[Father Call|jogging]]". The title is a not-too-subtle [[parody]] of the 3D platformer ''[[Wikipedia: Mirror's Edge|Mirror's Edge]]''.

Based on the accompanying [[3 December 2009|Captain's Log]], he made this to show that he is "pumped up for [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|pushing Sonichu out into merchandise]]." This video proves that Chris has no idea what "jogging" is. He is sprinting (for him) in this video, obviously missing the point of jogging (a slow, easy jog). Chris inserts obvious jump cuts at 1:30, 1:58, 2:25, 3:00, 3:22 and 3:42, where he's run out of breath and presumably needs a break due to how [[Chris and health#Exercise|out of shape he is]].

Once again, Chris confuses the acrobatic sport called "parkour" with the squeezable margarine called "Parkay". This ''may'' have something to do with him being an HFA fatass. He also confuses "light jogging" with "parkour" in general.

One can only imagine what the innocent citizens of Charlottesville must have thought as a fat, sweaty retard went puffing by at a little over walking pace with a camera dangling from his obese neck.

Chris has [[Mailbag 29|declined to record another running video]], blaming the [[lies|battery on his camera]].

==Video==

<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = Sonichu's Edge
| image = {{#ev:youtube|U0XXXCV2PfQ}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 03 December 2009
| Maker = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Shirt = [[Image:Horizontalredshirt.png]] Vert. Red
| previous = [[3 December 2009]]
| next = [[Holiday Greetings]]
}}</center>

===Transcript===

[''Brandishes [[Amnyfest Ring]]] Hello there, fans! It's Christian Chandler here, live at the downtown mall, where for the [[Sonichu]] franchise and city of CWCville, and everything like that, I'm gonna do a Parkay from this point [''camera spins around to show some sidewalks''] all the way down to the gara—parking garage [''Camera spins back to Chris''] where, at the end, we will get a nice view of the tent-style theater that's down there where events are held. And for this viewing, the camera will be hung around my neck right about here. [''Gestures to the Sonichu medallion''] To get—see what I see from that point of view. And, also, uh, there may be one or two pauses where I have to catch my—my breath. Of course that's what you expect, even from the best runner.

[''Jump cut. Camera is now apparently hanging around Chris's neck. Chris's hand comes into frame for a second for him to flash the Amnyfest Ring.'']

Alright, here we go!

'''0:42-1:20''' Chris begins running, relatively slowly. His path seems to be pretty erratic.

'''1:21-1:30''' Chris enters a populated area. Though the jerky camera makes it difficult to see, several people seem to stop and stare at him. At 1:28, Chris's heavy breathing becomes audible.

'''1:31-1:44''' First jump cut. For those keeping score, Chris stops to rest after 48 seconds of jogging. He continues through the shopping center, his hands occasionally coming into frame.

'''1:45-1:46''' Chris goes in between some trees.

'''1:47-1:58''' Chris's breathing starts becoming heavy again.

'''1:59-2:15''' Second jump cut. Chris runs past a happy couple, and then runs down some stairs.

'''2:16-2:25''' Chris passes by a large Christmas tree. Around 2:20, his movement begins to slow
down considerably.

'''2:26-2:33''' Third jump cut.

'''2:34-2:41''' Relaxing guitar music fades in and out as Chris passes a band of street musicians.

'''2:42-2:54''' Chris continues onwards.

'''2:55-3:00''' Chris runs past a small bus.

'''3:01-3:16''' Fourth jump cut. Chris runs through some decorative trees.

'''3:17-3:21''' Chris rounds a corner, and approaches an open door.

'''3:22-3:32''' Fifth jump cut. Chris is now inside a building. He trudges up some stairs, clearly walking.

'''3:33-3:42''' Chris passes someone going in the opposite direction. Chris continues upwards.

'''3:43-3:50''' Sixth jump cut. Chris apparently reaches the 4th floor and exits a door into the blinding sunlight.

'''3:51-4:10''' Chris is now on the top level of a parking structure. He runs across the parking area. Around 4:05 his breathing becomes very heavy. At 4:10, he reaches his destination. The camera shows a large tented area on the ground far below.

See? Amphitheater. [''Camera spins around back to Chris, who flashes the peace sign''] Thank you for your [[trolling|continued support]]!

==Remixes==

<center>{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = The Chris-Chanos
| video = {{#ev:youtube|AbWn-WsljB0}}
| Stardate = 04 December, 2009
| Maker = KrappleGuy
| Subject = [[Sonichu's Edge]]
| Video Type = (TV) Parody
| Other Info = Spoofs the opening to ''The Sopranos''
}}</center>

<center>{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Sonichu's Edge
| video = {{#ev:youtube|eGKCSS-QUkE}}
| Stardate = 04 December, 2009
| Maker = IBAClydeCash
| Subject = [[Sonichu's Edge]]
| Video Type = (VG) Parody
| Other Info = Replaces Faith with [[Chris]].
}}</center>

==See also==
*[[3 December 2009]]
*[[CWC Fighter]]

==External links==
*[http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF&msa=0&msid=104235379233340359048.000479de54a1731a2b512 Chris's Route as detailed by Google Maps]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2N1TJP1cxmo What Chris is failing to imitate]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuqRS3KVnQs CWC Doodle- Parkay]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[3 December 2009]]|nextlink=[[Holiday Greetings]]|}}
{{Videos}}
[[Category: Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

Clyde Cash the kid video

2010-01-29T00:35:26Z

Mr Flylice: fixing I's

The '''Clyde Cash the kid video''' is a video, uploaded on 16 [[September 2009]], in which [[Chris]] claims to know that [[Clyde Cash]] is alive and well, and that he is an elementary school kid. Amazingly, this video was pulled from Chris's account mere minutes after it was posted, possibly showing a bit of clarity on Chris's part on the fact that he was both cursing and "threatening" a elementary school kid with arrest.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/video
| name = Clyde Cash the kid video
| image = {{#ev:youtube|K4j3RT2oHjE}}
| imagewidth = 250
| Stardate = 16 September 2009
| Maker = [[Chris|Christian Weston Chandler]]
| Performance Style = [[Image:reason.png]] Reason
| Saga = [[Image:clyde_saga.png]] Clyde saga
| Shirt = [[Image:greenstripedshirt.png]] Green striped
| previous = [[Chris_dispels_videogame_rumors| Chris dispels videogame rumors]]
| next = [[19_September_2009| 19 September 2009]]
}} </center>

===Transcript===

Ahh, no [[Captain's Log]] required, even though, y'dont know what the date is, is about 16th. Anyway, ok, [[Gregg Mays]], you pulled a nerve. [[Gregg Mays]], [[Clyde Cash]], whoever you are I know you use the same e-mail address he used. You obviously are either one and the same person or you're just a, little brat hiding behind, wh- hiding the- behind da names. But I know you. You live in Kentucky. You go to an elementary school. '''YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A WHINY LITTLE BRAT!''' Anyway, a-anybody who k-who knows zeez-who knows this person he goes to Second Street Elementary School, in Frankfurt, Kentucky. Anybody who ss-who knows this person, or has seen him, please report him to the Frankfort Kentucky [[Jerkops|police]] IMMEDIATELY!

You've gone too far. You're a stubborn littl- you're a whiny litte nuisance of a brat. '''GIVE IT UP!'''

Peace to everybody else, '''CURSE TO THE GREGG MAYS/"CLAIG" CASH...CHILD!'''

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Chris dispels videogame rumors]]|nextlink=[[19 September 2009]]|}}
{{Troll Videos}}

{{Clyde Saga}}

[[Category: Videos Christian uploaded to YouTube]]

CADD

2010-01-29T00:32:17Z

Mr Flylice: /* Usage in the comics */

[[Image:0714-PVCCCaddDeg2.jpg|Chris's Associate in Applied Science with CADD emphasis. "The Associate in Applied Science degree is awarded to students who are permitted to relax some of the general education requirements in order to study more course work in their program area. This kind of degree is for students who intend to enter the work force upon graduation."|thumb]]
[[Image:0713-PVCCCaddDeg1.jpg|Chris's CADD certificate from [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|PVCC]]|thumb]]

'''CADD''' stands for "Computer-Aided Drafting and Design". It's pretty much a 2-year course (though it took Chris more like 6 years to complete it, including the year in which he was expelled from college) that teaches you how to use MS Paint. Even though it took Chris a long time to obtain this "degree", of the years spent pursuing it, he has only produced 2 pieces of work (while one might assume they were two big projects over a long amount of time, the two pieces of work he produced were a map of his mall and an incredibly large 3D Mayor's Office about the size of a football field with nothing much inside it).

Chris has two <strike>degrees</strike> certificates in CADD. Looking at his current art, he'd probably have been better off spending his tuition fees on [[Lego]]. The Associate's Degree in CADD is no longer offered by [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]].<ref>http://www2.dailyprogress.com/cdp/news/local/local_govtpolitics/article/pvcc_drops_programs_amid_state_budget_crisis1/34137/</ref>

Chris states in his [[Matt Devoria|call to Kacey's father]] that he entered into the CADD program without knowing what kind of jobs such a certificate could get him. Throughout his years at [[PVCC]], and in the 3 years since graduating, he still hasn't bothered to figure it out. If [[Bob]] and [[Barbara]] still cared about anything, they'd be kicking themselves for wasting money on his tuition.

==Timewarp==
In [[Sonichu 5]], [[Christian]] claims he got his CADD degree in May [[2006]]. He had, however, already been suspended from [[PVCC]] for over a year by then, so chances are large they just gave him the certificate to shut him up, and to stop [[Bob Chandler]] from suing them for playing [[kick the autistic]]. If this is true, it could mean that Chris never even finished his CADD classes, which seems quite likely, considering [[CADD Chef]] consistently gave Chris the terrible grades he so rightly deserved.

==Usage in the comics==
Chris's CADD degrees apparently come into use within his [[comic]]s, he even alludes to them assisting him at many points in his comic; for example, [[:Image:CWCvilleMapProper.jpg|Sonichu & Rosechu's benefit house]]. However the few basic measuring skills he may have picked up from his CADD courses are made even more pitiful by the fact he never uses a ruler nor are his drawings to scale, defeating the purpose of even learning CADD courses in the first place. Then again, it shouldn't require a fucking college course to be able to make basic measurements or draw things relatively proportionate to each other.

A villain by the name of [[CADD Chef]] appears in the comics, mocking Chris's designs for his mall. It is speculated that CADD Chef may be based on Chris's real life CADD teacher, and that he probably gave Chris a bad grade on his real life mall designs. This "injustice" guaranteed CADD Chef a place in the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens]] as one of [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s minions.

==Sauce==
<references/>

==External links==
* [http://theinterwebs.googlepages.com/CwcvilleShoppingCenterFloorOne.pdf Plans, Floor 1]
* [http://theinterwebs.googlepages.com/CwcvilleShoppingCenterFloor2.pdf Plans, Floor 2]
* [http://theinterwebs.googlepages.com/MayorsOfficeModel1.pdf Plans, Mayor's Office]
* [http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?we0oddnzwnk Original Project Files]

[[Category:Chris-chan]]

Bob Walks In

2010-01-27T04:16:04Z

Mr Flylice: /* Transcript */

{{Honest}}
'''Bob Walks In''' is the most famous cybersex-chat with [[Julie]], in which [[Chris]] is caught [[masturbating]] by his father, [[Bob]].

==Background==

[[Image:Aiko-Chris's New Bird.jpg|thumb|right|140px|What Chris imagines Julie looks like...]]
The Chandler family [[14 Branchland Court|home]] only has one computer, and it's in the kitchen. Every time Chris wants to engage in cyber sex, he's [[Mass Debating|spanking it]] in the middle of the kitchen/living room.

[[February 2009|Valentine's Night, 2009]]: Chris was on a hot e-date with his ONE, TRUE AND HONEST SWEETHEART [[Julie]]. Chris was moaning sexy, sweaty nothings into the microphone as he furiously pounded his bent [[duck]]. Unbeknown to Chris, trolls were tipped off that Chris was firing some [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|knuckle children]] and were dedicated to having Chris experience an awkward moment that would require Bob to watch his son stroking his bent duck, yelling like a horny retard. Three calls were made, the first two failing as Bob told them that Chris was "sleeping" (even though Chris was screaming "JULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" at the time). The final call, made by [[Miscreants]] agent [[Bryan Bash]], called up and told Bob "OH MY GOD, CHRIS MADE A VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND SAID HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF, YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!"

Bob dropped the phone, ran up the stairs and walked into his son's most intimate moment, and was, justifiably, horrified and appalled. In a rare moment of parental authority, he threatened to punish Chris by "cutting down the Internet". Chris, used to having things his way throughout his whole life, was appalled, confused and no longer aroused. The recording ends after Robert's many futile attempts to shut down the computer finally succeed.

This can be considered the pinnacle of the ongoing Chris-chan saga, as it represents a moment where Chris actually feels negative repercussions for his Internet behavior. It contains many memorable lines and is the height of emotional drama.

== Prelude ==

The following is Chris's phone sex session with Julie prior to Bob walking in. Throughout this whole audio, Chris bangs into stuff and whacks his keyboard while fapping and making slurping sounds (suggesting Chris [[fail|fails]] at performing even imaginary cunnilingus). If you love your life, it is advised that you do not read this transcript.

=== Chris Gets Started ===

Hey, Julie! (Says something "Molvanîa") Good, you're on me. Alright, hi... you do that. Oh... ''(Rustling, possibly taking off clothes)''
Oh... Oh-ho-ho! Alright, (indistinct) clothes. Yep, I'm lying on the bed... do what you will.... mmkay.Ahhhhh... I could take a good guess.... very horny. Believe me, I've been very horny... before. Ohhh! Hhhh... Oh my... Oh my... Mmmm... actually, I'm pretty okay... mmm... Oh yeah. Cause it got stiff... for you. Mmmmm... Ahhh, ahhh yeah. Mmm... (spits on his hands) Okay, I'm licking your pussy while you're sitting on my face. Oh boy... Hhhh... Mmmmm... Mmmm.... Oh... Okay, but you know, just so you know, I learned that farts- farts on one's face causes [[Pink_eye|pink-eye]]. Ali- alri- alright, I'll let it go this time. I don't touch my eyes all that much anyway, but this time yeah... ''(begins fapping)'' Oh yeah. ''(slurp slurp slurp smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh yeah.... mmmm.... Oh yeah. ''(smack smack smack)'' mmmm... mmm... ''(slurp slurp slurp)'' Oh... mmm... You're facing mine as well. Oh boy, yeahhhh... that's good. Mmm. Mmmm... ''(smack smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh... ''(fapping gets louder)'' Mmm!

=== Adventures in China ===

''(Sporadic Windows beeping throughout)''Mmm... Oh yeah... Mmm... ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmm... mmmmmmmm.... Meeee-yeowww. mmm.. ahhh, that's fine. ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmmm... ''(faps even harder, banging into stuff)'' I was kind of expecting this myself. ''(faps even more hard'') Yeah... So do I... mmmm.... ''(fapping is very loud at this point)'' Ahhhh! MMm..... ''(phone rings)'' Mmm.... Mmmm.... I love you too, Julie...... you are, you are...

It's very good. Mmm.... Ohhhh yeah, it's awesome.... Awesome. Ah... ah yeah... ''(fapping speeds up)'' Mmm... Go ahead, get rougher, rougher... Mmmm.... Ahhh... MMm... Oh yeah... Oh yeah, yeah... Oh yeah... Oh YEAH, Julie, Julieeeeeeee, Julie!!! mmmh..... ahhh..... JULAYYYYYYYY! JULayyyyyyyy, JULAaaaay.... JULAY!!!! Julay... JULaaAaaAaaaAaaaAaAAAAAYY!!! ''(phone rings)'' Jullayyyy... ''(phone rings again)'' Mmm... ah, don't worry about that, my father will get it... he got it.... Continue. Mm.... Julie... JULAAAAAY....... Julaaaaaaaaah.

Oh yeah... oh yeah... oh yeah... mmm... oh.... mmm?? ''(phone rings)'' mmm... get on me.... I want... to be INSIDE YOU!... Oh yeah.... not yet... mmm. ''(smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' I'll fit in (?).....mmmf... ah.... oh yeah.... no problem... ahhhh... mmmm YEAH!! mmmf... ''(faps very hard)'' ahh... mmmm... oh yeah.... oooooh yeah... ah! yeah... yeaahhh!!! mmmf... (breathing heavily, bangs into something while fapping) mmm.... ''(phone rings)'' mmm... no it's okay, my father will get it, don't worry about it... keep going... it's already been got... please, I'm getting close myself... C'mon Julie... mmf... ahhh... mmm... mmm... oh yeah...

''Bob walks in at this point. Chris stops fapping.''

==[[Bob Chandler|Daddy]] catches Chris having one off the wrist==
{{quote|Get away from the internet, I'm cutting it down!!!|Bob "The Internet Lumberjack" Chandler}}
{{quote|NO DAD, NO!|Chris, during Goofy Time}}

<center>
{{#ev:youtube|ricmZy9VZMM}}
</center>

==Transcript==
'''Bob''': Christian, what are you doing?
 '''Chris''': ''(slurp smack)'' Nothing. ''(slurp)''
 '''Bob''': I’m getting all these crazy damn' calls. What're you doing?
 '''Chris''': Nothing.
 '''Bob''': Don't give me that crap. Now, what’s going on?
 '''Chris''': Dad, will you get out of here? 
 '''Bob''': No. [''string of Windows beeps''] I will not. [[Bryan Bash|People]] telling me that you’re about to kill yourself on [[YouTube]].
 '''Chris''': What?
 '''Bob''': What are you doing?
 '''Chris''': I’m not doin’ anything.
 '''Bob''': Want me to wake your mother up and find out?
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Then get out of here, and off that Internet. 
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': What is your trouble?
 '''Chris''': I am not going to kill myself.
 '''Bob''': Get away from that TV.
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': Get away from the Internet. I’m cuttin’ it down, right now.
 '''Chris''': NO DAD NO!
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': What are you doin’?
 
 [''long pause, what sounds like the kitchen sink running, keys clicking on the keyboard, then single Windows beep'']
 
 '''Chris''': Don’t do it, Dad.
 '''Bob''': I’m gonna shut this thing right down.
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No! [''pause''] Dad, no. Stop!
 '''Bob''': Go wake your mother up; don’t bother me. Okay? [''pause''] Go wake your [[Barbara Chandler|mother]] up! Don’t bother me!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': Go and wake your mother up!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': You tell mm-her what’s going on. This thing is gonna go down.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': Yes!

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?tkrkgo0yoft Download]
*[http://www.slutload.com/watch/gEnIQ5EQM9C/Chris-chan-caught-fapping-by-his-dad.html Mirror]

{{FanChats}}

Bob Walks In

2010-01-27T04:13:58Z

Mr Flylice: /* Chris Gets Started */

{{Honest}}
'''Bob Walks In''' is the most famous cybersex-chat with [[Julie]], in which [[Chris]] is caught [[masturbating]] by his father, [[Bob]].

==Background==

[[Image:Aiko-Chris's New Bird.jpg|thumb|right|140px|What Chris imagines Julie looks like...]]
The Chandler family [[14 Branchland Court|home]] only has one computer, and it's in the kitchen. Every time Chris wants to engage in cyber sex, he's [[Mass Debating|spanking it]] in the middle of the kitchen/living room.

[[February 2009|Valentine's Night, 2009]]: Chris was on a hot e-date with his ONE, TRUE AND HONEST SWEETHEART [[Julie]]. Chris was moaning sexy, sweaty nothings into the microphone as he furiously pounded his bent [[duck]]. Unbeknown to Chris, trolls were tipped off that Chris was firing some [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|knuckle children]] and were dedicated to having Chris experience an awkward moment that would require Bob to watch his son stroking his bent duck, yelling like a horny retard. Three calls were made, the first two failing as Bob told them that Chris was "sleeping" (even though Chris was screaming "JULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" at the time). The final call, made by [[Miscreants]] agent [[Bryan Bash]], called up and told Bob "OH MY GOD, CHRIS MADE A VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND SAID HE'S GOING TO KILL HIMSELF, YOU GOTTA STOP HIM!"

Bob dropped the phone, ran up the stairs and walked into his son's most intimate moment, and was, justifiably, horrified and appalled. In a rare moment of parental authority, he threatened to punish Chris by "cutting down the Internet". Chris, used to having things his way throughout his whole life, was appalled, confused and no longer aroused. The recording ends after Robert's many futile attempts to shut down the computer finally succeed.

This can be considered the pinnacle of the ongoing Chris-chan saga, as it represents a moment where Chris actually feels negative repercussions for his Internet behavior. It contains many memorable lines and is the height of emotional drama.

== Prelude ==

The following is Chris's phone sex session with Julie prior to Bob walking in. Throughout this whole audio, Chris bangs into stuff and whacks his keyboard while fapping and making slurping sounds (suggesting Chris [[fail|fails]] at performing even imaginary cunnilingus). If you love your life, it is advised that you do not read this transcript.

=== Chris Gets Started ===

Hey, Julie! (Says something "Molvanîa") Good, you're on me. Alright, hi... you do that. Oh... ''(Rustling, possibly taking off clothes)''
Oh... Oh-ho-ho! Alright, (indistinct) clothes. Yep, I'm lying on the bed... do what you will.... mmkay.Ahhhhh... I could take a good guess.... very horny. Believe me, I've been very horny... before. Ohhh! Hhhh... Oh my... Oh my... Mmmm... actually, I'm pretty okay... mmm... Oh yeah. Cause it got stiff... for you. Mmmmm... Ahhh, ahhh yeah. Mmm... (spits on his hands) Okay, I'm licking your pussy while you're sitting on my face. Oh boy... Hhhh... Mmmmm... Mmmm.... Oh... Okay, but you know, just so you know, I learned that farts- farts on one's face causes [[Pink_eye|pink-eye]]. Ali- alri- alright, I'll let it go this time. I don't touch my eyes all that much anyway, but this time yeah... ''(begins fapping)'' Oh yeah. ''(slurp slurp slurp smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh yeah.... mmmm.... Oh yeah. ''(smack smack smack)'' mmmm... mmm... ''(slurp slurp slurp)'' Oh... mmm... You're facing mine as well. Oh boy, yeahhhh... that's good. Mmm. Mmmm... ''(smack smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' Oh... ''(fapping gets louder)'' Mmm!

=== Adventures in China ===

''(Sporadic Windows beeping throughout)''Mmm... Oh yeah... Mmm... ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmm... mmmmmmmm.... Meeee-yeowww. mmm.. ahhh, that's fine. ''(smack smack smack)'' Mmmm... ''(faps even harder, banging into stuff)'' I was kind of expecting this myself. ''(faps even more hard'') Yeah... So do I... mmmm.... ''(fapping is very loud at this point)'' Ahhhh! MMm..... ''(phone rings)'' Mmm.... Mmmm.... I love you too, Julie...... you are, you are...

It's very good. Mmm.... Ohhhh yeah, it's awesome.... Awesome. Ah... ah yeah... ''(fapping speeds up)'' Mmm... Go ahead, get rougher, rougher... Mmmm.... Ahhh... MMm... Oh yeah... Oh yeah, yeah... Oh yeah... Oh YEAH, Julie, Julieeeeeeee, Julie!!! mmmh..... ahhh..... JULAYYYYYYYY! JULayyyyyyyy, JULAaaaay.... JULAY!!!! Julay... JULaaAaaAaaaAaaaAaAAAAAYY!!! ''(phone rings)'' Jullayyyy... ''(phone rings again)'' Mmm... ah, don't worry about that, my father will get it... he got it.... Continue. Mm.... Julie... JULAAAAAY....... Julaaaaaaaaah.

Oh yeah... oh yeah... oh yeah... mmm... oh.... mmm?? ''(phone rings)'' mmm... get on me.... I want... to be INSIDE YOU!... Oh yeah.... not yet... mmm. ''(smack smack smack slurp slurp)'' I'll fit in (?).....mmmf... ah.... oh yeah.... no problem... ahhhh... mmmm YEAH!! mmmf... ''(faps very hard)'' ahh... mmmm... oh yeah.... oooooh yeah... ah! yeah... yeaahhh!!! mmmf... (breathing heavily, bangs into something while fapping) mmm.... ''(phone rings)'' mmm... no it's okay, my father will get it, don't worry about it... keep going... it's already been got... please, I'm getting close myself... C'mon Julie... mmf... ahhh... mmm... mmm... oh yeah...

''Bob walks in at this point. Chris stops fapping.''

==[[Bob Chandler|Daddy]] catches Chris having one off the wrist==
{{quote|Get away from the internet, I'm cutting it down!!!|Bob "The Internet Lumberjack" Chandler}}
{{quote|NO DAD, NO!|Chris, during Goofy Time}}

<center>
{{#ev:youtube|ricmZy9VZMM}}
</center>

==Transcript==
'''Bob''': Christian, what are you doing?
 '''Chris''': Nothing.
 '''Bob''': I’m getting all these crazy damn' calls. What're you doing?
 '''Chris''': Nothing.
 '''Bob''': Don't give me that crap. Now, what’s going on?
 '''Chris''': Dad, will you get out of here? 
 '''Bob''': No. [''string of Windows beeps''] I will not. [[Bryan Bash|People]] telling me that you’re about to kill yourself on [[YouTube]].
 '''Chris''': What?
 '''Bob''': What are you doing?
 '''Chris''': I’m not doin’ anything.
 '''Bob''': Want me to wake your mother up and find out?
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Then get out of here, and off that Internet. 
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': What is your trouble?
 '''Chris''': I am not going to kill myself.
 '''Bob''': Get away from that TV.
 '''Chris''': Fine.
 '''Bob''': Get away from the Internet. I’m cuttin’ it down, right now.
 '''Chris''': NO DAD NO!
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': What are you doin’?
 
 [''long pause, what sounds like the kitchen sink running, keys clicking on the keyboard, then single Windows beep'']
 
 '''Chris''': Don’t do it, Dad.
 '''Bob''': I’m gonna shut this thing right down.
 '''Chris''': No.
 '''Bob''': Yes.
 '''Chris''': No! [''pause''] Dad, no. Stop!
 '''Bob''': Go wake your mother up; don’t bother me. Okay? [''pause''] Go wake your [[Barbara Chandler|mother]] up! Don’t bother me!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': Go and wake your mother up!
 '''Chris''': Ugh.
 '''Bob''': You tell mm-her what’s going on. This thing is gonna go down.
 '''Chris''': No!
 '''Bob''': Yes!

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?tkrkgo0yoft Download]
*[http://www.slutload.com/watch/gEnIQ5EQM9C/Chris-chan-caught-fapping-by-his-dad.html Mirror]

{{FanChats}}