CWCki - User contributions [en]

Jason Kendrick Howell message

2011-12-08T05:35:10Z

TheJerk: /* Alternative Transcriptions */

The Jason Kendrick Howell voicemail message was [[Chris]]'s infantile-yet-laconic threat to [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] after the hacking of [[Sonichu.net]] in [[January 2009]]. In fact, Howell had nothing to do with the site's demise, for the mastermind was [[Clyde Cash|someone]] far more nefarious.

==Context==

On 6 January 2009, [[Gregg Mays E-mails|Gregg Mays contacted Chris]], claiming to be an employee of [[Nintendo]]. Mays said he had been assigned to redesign Sonichu.net as part of the cross-promotion of Sonichu and [[Animal Crossing]].

In fact, Gregg was really [[Clyde Cash]], seeking vengeance for the suicide of his [[Ryan Cash|little brother]] a few weeks earlier. By 8 January, Chris entrusted him with the password to the site, and in no time at all the site was vandalized. Unable to access the site to restore it, Chris accused Gregg of being a troll and changing the password to lock him out of his Tripod account. Gregg claimed he couldn't access the site either, and suggested that he could restore it if Chris reset the password to his account. Chris complied on 10 January, and soon the account was deleted altogether.

Then, on the 12th, Mays declared that he was Jason Kendrick Howell, a.k.a. Liquid Snake, the creator of the Chris-Chan page on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]. After taunting Chris and demanding he make videos for his amusement, Cash finally changed his mind on [[Gregg_Mays_E-mails#January_17.2C_2009|17 January]], and admitted that he was in fact Clyde Cash all along, and not Jason Kendrick Howell.

Chris ignored this revelation, thinking it was the Jason making up yet another alias. After all, Chris had long considered Howell to be the mastermind behind all of the trolls, while Clyde was new to the scene. Further, Chris sent the ''real'' Jason an angry voice mail, and gloated about this in response to a bewildered Clyde.

Meanwhile, the TRUE AND HONEST Jason Kendrick Howell, unaware of any of this, checked his messages and this was what he got...

==The Message==
{{Template:Tardrage}}
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|k-ZWM4nlaB8}}
| Stardate = January 17, 2009
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; Jason Kendrick Howell's Answering Machine
| Subject = Chris reacts to the hacking of Sonichu.net.
| Saga = [[Image:Clyde_saga.png]] [[Clyde Cash]] Saga [[Image:Miyamoto_saga.png]] [[Miyamoto]] Saga
| previous = Only
| next = Only
}}

==Transcript==
[[File:100_2214.JPG|thumb|What he intended to do to Jason]]
''Answering Machine:'' First saved message

Jason Kendrick Howell... 
You BASTARD! 
You ''BASTARD!'' 
You hacked into everything! You have driven me so [[Chris and English|beyond]] the wall, I can't even describe it! 
You're laughing now, but 
{{RageQuote|I PRAY YOU DEAD!}}
Goodbye!

==Alternative Transcriptions==
[[Image:ILLBREAKYOUDEAD.jpg|thumb|Original e-mail with text of Chris's threat to Jason]]
Some argue Chris is actually saying "I'll ''break'' you dead", because the image of Chris going into [[tard rage]] mode and snapping Jason in half ([[Sign Destruction Video|or rather clumsily attempting to]]) is quite amusing. Jason himself originally transcribed the message with Chris saying "YOU HAPPY NAPPA (?!? no idea)", rather than "You're laughing now". Given his history of [[Speech impediment|communications]] [[Chris and English|problems]], even Chris himself may have had no idea what he was trying to say.

==Legacy==

Chris would attempt to re-establish his Sonichu website several times, only to be hacked and vandalized as before. In time, Chris would view Clyde Cash as the leader of the trolls, shifting his ire away from Jason. Throughout 2009, Chris would produce numerous videos directed at Clyde, threatening him, pleading with him, or challenging him.

The rage expressed in the message would become a familiar refrain in later sagas, as Chris would often cap off a round of trolling by screaming at his camera and uploading the footage to [[YouTube]].

==See also==
*[[Death threats]]
*[[Jason Kendrick Howell]]
*[[Gregg Mays E-mails]]
*[[CWC's Sonichu Site!]]
*[[Chris and Anger]]
*[[IRC (20 January 2009)]], Chris and Clyde's next encounter.
*[[Sonichu 10]], when we actually get to see Chris break someone dead.

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?jgoz109zwym The audio recording]
*A Jason Retrospective [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ISr7Fq7EPY Part 1], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9TtPNnyayY Part 2], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LndR1s5jIRQ Part 3], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AG_ySvT2Qg4 Part 4], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umvpa89jZRU Part 5], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UN2-41BQvqU Part 6 (5.2)] Jason's commentary on the early history of Chris-Chan trolling, including his POV on the "I'll BREAK YOU DEAD" message.

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category: CWC-isms]]

Adult Swim posts

2011-12-08T00:52:16Z

TheJerk: /* Chris on Crayon Shin-chan and The Super Milk Chan Show (August 2006) */

[[Image:ASforumavatar.jpg|thumb|right||Chris's oddly appropriate choice of forum avatar.]]

In mid-2009, someone discovered '''posts''' made by Chris on the [[Adult Swim]] message boards.<ref>[http://boards.adultswim.com/adultswim/profile?user.id=399954 http://boards.adultswim.com/adultswim/profile?user.id=399954]</ref> Below are all of Chris's posts, edited only for wiki formatting and links for clarification.

His response to ''Robot Chicken'' is particularly interesting. Not only does Chris describe his Sonichu comics as a [[parody]] when they are nothing of the sort, he also has no idea how to react to a genuine parody, even of the simplest and most obvious kind.

Some time in the spring of 2009, Chris's forum account was hacked. The perpetrator posted a few messages and a new signature using Chris's identity; they are not excerpted here. Every post at the source link below after the 2008 revelation of his Meatwad guitar is, unfortunately, not the TRUE and HONEST word of Chris-chan.
==Posts==
===Chris colors his DVD cover (February 2005)===
{{quotebox|Hey AS, this is Christian Chandler. I've enjoyed your fun programming...except [[Wikipedia:Aqua Teen Hunger Force|ATHF]]. Other than that, I've purchased [[Wikipedia:The Brak Show|the Brak Show]] Volume 1 DVD Set, and I colored it in, and put my signiture on it. If you show the images on AS Thursdays, please also mention my Sonichu Site! Check it out on http://sonichuchandler.tripod.com/cwcson.htm. [[Sonichu]] is my [[Pokémon|Pokemon]], just so you know.

I am unable to insert the images, but you all can access them at <nowiki>http://sonichuchandler.tripod.com/BrakColor1.jpg</nowiki> and <nowiki>http://sonichuchandler.tripod.com/BrakColor2.jpg</nowiki>}} 

{{quotebox|In addition to my previous post, you may need to type the adress to the image instead of clicking on them. sorry. }}

===Chris complains about ''Robot Chicken'' (February 2005)===
{{quotebox|I've just watched the 1st episode of [[Wikipedia:Robot Chicken|Robot Chicken]], and I most enjoyed the [[Transformers]] portion of the episode. Only a few things about it seem wierd to me... If Optimus was "Taking a leak," shouldn't he have expelled transmission fluid, and later have found OIL in it, not blood. Also, "Killed 50 humans?" I've been a fan of Transformers my whole life, so I know what I'm saying here; the Autobots care more for the humans than that, so they shouldn't have cheered for something so sad. Also, I'd really hope to see more Transformers segments int furure episodes of Robot Chicken. Here's a suggestion for a future segment... Megatron shoots Bumblebee, causing major bodily injury. Then Optimus tends to sue Megatron. And he hires Starscream for his lawer. That's just crazy, huh? Roll out, Autobots!}}
Note: The Robot Chicken segment Chris was referring to was most likely [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzRXMkogj7o this].

===Chris on his Harvey Birdman contest entry (April 2005)===
{{quotebox|'''I Detest the [[Wikipedia:Harvey Birdman|Harvey Birdman]] Commercial!'''
Well, I do! :smileymad: My entry was very dramatic, and a lot BETTER than that piece of poo, or any of the others that made the top 5 as well! I'm very upset about that!

My "[[Harvey Birdman Commercial|CWC's Harvey Birdaman Spot]]" was [[Ego|the BEST]], and I feel sorry for you, Adult Swim, for not noticing that! You all should take another good look at it and seriously reconsider!}}

===Chris on ''Crayon Shin-chan'' and ''The Super Milk Chan Show'' (August 2006)===

{{quotebox|I watched the first [[Wikipedia:Crayon Shin-chan|Shin-Chan]] last night; it was funny (but the [[Nudes|boy nudity]] is TOO MUCH). If anything you should bring in more [[anime]] with [[Pedofork|very-close-to-nude girls]].

Speaking of which, [[Wikipedia:The Super Milk Chan Show|Milk-Chan]] to me sounds somewhat similar to Shin-Chan due to that they are both [[Christian Weston Chandler|silly and loud brats]]. You should consider putting the two shows back-to-back on weeknights, and call the one-hour block the Adult Kid's Meal.

Sincerely,

Lonely Virgin in Virginia, searching for a Sweetheart-Soulmate.}}

===Chris on Custom My Little Ponies (August 2006)===
{{quotebox|I've noticed that many people like to make their oun custom ponies; [[Wikipedia:Seth Green|Seth Green]] is one of them. But I couldn't really make out the Un-Cutie Marks of each of the ponies. Can I see what they looked like?

If they can't be bought, someone else will make one of their own.

[www.custompony.com]}}

===Chris on his Meatwad Guitar (May 2008)===
{{quotebox|Check it out, I've been wanting to do it since [[Wikipedia:Rock Band|Rock Band]] came out, and finally I get a seperate [[Guitar]] to make into [[Wikipedia:Meatwad|Meadwad]]'s Shreddful Guitar (copy and paste links).

http://a628.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/77/m_c65ca2d3baf6b2042ec125597edae583.jpg

http://a496.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/73/mc09e01d4ad5e4c0c66823f48b2fa3307.jpg

http://a614.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/112/mee33414077e472f5e28199d65d222185.jpg

http://a354.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/101/mbe25ba399ff788ea45f592bcd3bc0b79.jpg }}

===Chris spamming his "Holding Out for a Hero" music video (April 2009)===
{{quotebox|I've recently made my own music video of "Holding Out For a Hero sang by Bonnie Tyler, It's dedicated to my current sweetheart Ivy. What does everyone think about it(I believe it turned out pretty great if I do say so myself). <nowiki>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7XrVgM5E6Y&feature=channel_page</nowiki>
----
Hey Sonichu Fans check out my website at [[CWC's_Sonichu_Site!#cwcville.com (April 2009 - May 2009)|cwcville.com]] }}

In response to a claim that Chris may not be the real Christian Weston Chandler:

{{quotebox|Hey, let me tell you THIS is not a JOKE, this is a sendout to my beloved sweatheart and one of my Favourite of songs. Also no troll could pose as me on this site, unless they made this account AT LEAST 4 years ago.
----
Hey Sonichu Fans check out my website at cwcville.com }}

===Chris on his [[heart level]] (April 2009)===
{{quotebox|My heart has been broken down to 15% before. I was trying to get a 18- to my age year old sweetheart at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|my college]] when [[Mary Lee Walsh|MARY LEE WALSH]] ripped up the [[Attraction sign|SIGNS]] I used that said "I'm a single guy looking for a 18- to my year old [[boyfriend-free girl]]". My heart was shattered down to 15% until I met [[Hanna|a girl]] and it went back up to 100% but it was a JOKE being pulled on ME so at the end of our mini-date at the [[McDonald's|macdonalds]] she said it was just a joke. That Brought my Heart down to 10%.

This is ALL that bloody Mary Lee Walsh's fault.
----
Hey Sonichu Fans check out my website at cwcville.com}}

===Chris on internet security (April 2009)===
{{quotebox|Maybe you do suspect my account has been hacked but that is little more than just your INTERPRETATION of the situation. From my side of things I can TRULY and HONESTLY say that I have not been hacked, With god on my side I do not kid you when I say that I am the TRUE and REAL Christian Weston Chandler.

I do admit things like my old websites were hacked, but I've Learned from that mistake and increased my Password strength accoridngly.
----
Hey Sonichu Fans check out my website at cwcville.com}}

== Sources ==
<references/>

{{The Internet}}
[[Category:Historical Documents]]

OkCupid

2011-12-08T00:42:31Z

TheJerk: /* I’m really good at */

'''OkCupid''' is one of the more popular [[dating]] websites, and matches people based on how they respond to questions that they may answer at their leisure. Unlike sites such as [[Match.com]], OkCupid allows users to message and search each other for [[Chris and money|free]], only charging for perks like ad removal and unlimited inbox space. Like so many other [[dating profiles|dating websites]] before, it has been infected by the plague that is [[Christian Weston Chandler]].
{{TOC limit|2}}

==CWCSONICHU profile==
[[File:OkCupidProfile.jpg|thumb|OkCupid profile screencap ]]

Chris created his first OkCupid profile in late [[February 2009]]. He gave up on it very quickly and he never answered any of the questions or quizzes that the site uses to build a personality profile of each user. It's likely he quit using it after girls failed to flood his inbox with offers of [[True and Honest]] [[China|love]]. In the usual Chris style, the profile is woefully incomplete, featuring only a very brief personal summary, and a looking-for box in which he checked every available option, including "casual [[sex]]."

While mildly entertaining, this profile has been quickly overtaken by the veritable train wreck that is his current profile. After a short time, the profile was hacked by [[troll]]s.

===Profile text===

I am [[Autistic]], Fun, and Creative.

'''My Self-Summary'''

I'm [[naive|young at heart]]. I'm currently writing a [[comic]] book, and I've written quite a few issues so far. I am a bit [[Autism|shy]], but I would enjoy the company of [[Boyfriend-free girl|a beautiful girl]] who likes some of the things I do. I also like to have fun when I can, and I don't really like to be alone.

I graduated from [[Manchester High School|high school]] on the [[Honor Roll]], and I am doing very well at [[PVCC]]. A lot of [[Jerks|men]] make false promises to their girlfriends, but [[List of Chris's lies|I am totally different.]] When it comes to what I can offer, I can seriously promise [[Monthly tugboat|care]], [[Women's Rights|respect]], [[Chris and Death|empathy]], and [[Chris and anger|love]]. I think that (most) girls deserve the world, and I would do my best to give it to them.

I haven't had the best of luck with girlfriends in my past. There was a lot of lying and backstabbing [[Chris and Hypocrisy|done to me]], and I'm looking for someone who is honest and will love me for me.

Who I'd like to meet:

Someone with a happy, positive personality, young at heart, very pretty, 18-23-years old, lives in, or around, the [[Charlottesville]] or [[Ruckersville]] (both in the state of [[Virginia]]) areas, [[Tobacky|smoke]]-free, non-[[alcohol|alcholoic]], [[Racism|white]] and [[Boyfriend-Free Girl|does not already have a Boyfriend]].

'''Looking for:''' [[Gal-pal|New friends]], Long-term dating, Short-term dating, Activity partners, [[PandaHalo|Long-distance penpals]], [[Hanky panky|Casual sex]]

OKCupid has a variety of other fields such as religion, height, race, ect, all of which Chris left blank.

==ChrisCSonichu profile==
[[File:Personalprofile.jpg|thumb|Chris's profile image, recycled from his adventures as [[The Hook Cafe|direct2sex]].]]

Chris's return to OkCupid started on 4 [[April 2009]] under the name "ChrisCSonichu." This was a much more involved affair than his earlier profile, as Chris updated this profile frequently. These updates slowly changed the page from a badly-written but largely benign profile, into a violently insane, sex-obsessed manifesto about how awesome Chris is, and how hot girls should be having sex with him right now. This slow evolution from stupid and relatively innocent to stupid, filthy and deranged can be found in virtually everything Chris has ever made, but is perhaps most evident in his [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comics]].

The earliest saved version we have of Chris's page is relatively harmless. Chris makes an ass of himself in two languages, and refers to himself as a creative genius, but on the whole there's nothing too outlandish. This easygoing period would not last.
{{-}}
{|class="prettytable collapsible collapsed"
!Full text of the first version.
|-
|
====My Self-Summary====
I'm [[Pedofork|young at heart]]. I have a [[Sonichu (comic)|comic book series]]. I would [[Sex|enjoy the company]] of a beautiful woman who likes some of the things I do. I also like to have fun when I am able to, and do acts of kindness when possible.

I graduated from [[high school]] on the [[Honor Roll]], and I have graduated from [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|Piedmong Virginia Community College]] with a Degree and a Certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]]. When it comes to what I can offer, I can seriously promise care, respect, empathy, and love. I think that (most) women deserve the world, and I would do my best to give it to them.

I am looking for a woman who is [[honest]] and will love me for me; a woman with a happy, positive personality, young at heart, pretty, 21-28-years old, lives in, or around, the Charlottesville or Ruckersville (both in the state of Virginia) areas, [[Tobacky|smoke-free]], non-[[Niggos|black]] and single.

'''Now in [[Spanish]]'''

Yo soy joven en mi corizon. Yo tengo un serie de libros comicos. Me gusta la compaÃ±a de una mujer bonita quiÃ©n la gusta mas o menos de las cosas me gusta. Me gusta tener diversion cuando posible, y hago hechos de benevolencia cuando posible.

Yo gradue de me escuela secundarie con Honor Roll, y gradue desde Piedmont Virginia Community College con un tÃtulo y certificado en Computer Aided Drafting & Design. Yo prometo cuidar, respetar, empatÃa y amor. Yo penso que (muchas) mujers ameriten el mundo, ye yo querÃa hacer mi mejor para dar lo por ellas.

Yo estoy buscando por una mujer honesta y va a amor mi por mi; una mujer con una personalidad feliz y positiva, joven en su corizon, bonita, tenga 21-28 anos, resida en, o cerca de, Charlottesville o Ruckersvlle, VA, Sin Fumar, no es negra y soltero.

====What I’m doing with my life====
I'm keeping it real; taking it one day at a time working on [[PS3|my projects]] and helping my family.

====I’m really good at====
[[Chris and art|Drawing]], [[Chris and writing|writing]], [[Chris and art|crafting]], [[The MovingFoward videos|making well-thought decisions]], [[51 50|heavy lifting]] and other things.

====The first things people usually notice about me====
I would have to give it to [[The Creepy Stare|my face]], especially in in-person times. When I look at other people, I notice their faces first most often.

====My favorite books, movies, music, and food====
Goosebumps or Fear Street Novels from [[R.L. Stine|R.L. Stein]]; "[[Mary Poppins]]" is my favorite movie of all time; I like most kinds of [[Chris and music|music]] (but my favorite singer is [[Britney Spears]]); Mac & Cheese, Grilled Chicken.

====The six things I could never do without====
-(After I've found the one) My [[Sweetheart|Girlfriend/Sweetheart]].
 -My [[video games|Video Games]] ([[PS3]], [[PSP]], [[Nintendo|DS and Wii]], and all of my older consoles).
 -My [[Chris and his ego|creative genius]].
 -My good [[Chris and health|health]].
 (Not sure about the final two)

====I spend a lot of time thinking about====
How and where to socialize better.

====On a typical Friday night I am====
At home playing my "[[Sonichu]]'s Adventures" on [[LittleBiGPlanet]], or [[Guitar Hero]] or the current video game I'm playing.

====The most private thing I’m willing to admit here====

'''Now in [[Spanish]]'''

Yo soy [[Autism|autÃstico altamente funcionales]], y estoy un [[Virgin|virgen]] esperando por mi novia bonita.

''In english, it roughly means he's a virgin and he's autistic''

====You should message me if====
You're A) 21-28 years old, B) not black (no personal offense), C) NOT a Smoker, D) Honest, Compassionate and Pretty, E) no taller than 5'10" and F) (the old expression) Boyfriend-Free.
|}
Over the course of several edits, Chris's profile eventually reached its current, horrifying form. All references to childish things, such as [[LittleBigPlanet]] and [[Sonichu]] were removed, and replaced with things Chris thought of as "manly" like [[Guitar Hero]]. The sheer importance that women meet him "[[Rape|in person]]" became more and more emphasized, as well as constant references to how much he needs sex as soon as humanly possible. The legendary [[Third Date]] is completely foregone in favor of Chris getting precious [[China]] on his very first encounter with a woman, and requirements were added demanding that in-person contact must be had no later than two days after the first online contact. Despite his attempts to avoid embarrassing himself with his profile, Chris still misspelled the name of his alma mater, referring to it as "Piedmong Valley Community College".

{|class="prettytable collapsible collapsed"
!Full text of the second version.
|-
|
====My Self-Summary====
I'm young at heart. I have a comic book series. I would enjoy the company of a beautiful woman who likes some of the things I do. I also like to have fun when I am able to, and do acts of kindness when possible.

I graduated from high school on the [[Honor Roll]], and I have graduated from Piedmong Virginia Community College with a Degree and a Certificate in Computer Aided Drafting and Design. When it comes to what I can offer, I can seriously promise care, respect, empathy, and love. I think that (most) women deserve the world, and I would do my best to give it to them.

I am looking for a woman who is [[honest]] and will love me for me, and [[sex]] is an eventual must; a woman with a happy, positive personality, young at heart, pretty, 21-28-years old, lives in, or around, the Charlottesville or Ruckersville (both in the state of Virginia) areas, smoke-free, non-black and single.

'''Now in Spanish'''

Yo soy joven en mi corizon. Yo tengo un serie de libros comicos. Me gusta la compaÃ±a de una mujer bonita quiÃ©n la gusta mas o menos de las cosas me gusta. Me gusta tener diversion cuando posible, y hago hechos de benevolencia cuando posible.

Yo gradue de me escuela secundarie con Honor Roll, y gradue desde Piedmont Virginia Community College con un tÃtulo y certificado en Computer Aided Drafting & Design. Yo prometo cuidar, respetar, empatÃa y amor. Yo penso que (muchas) mujers ameriten el mundo, ye yo querÃa hacer mi mejor para dar lo por ellas.

Yo estoy buscando por una mujer honesta y va a amor mi por mi; una mujer con una personalidad feliz y positiva, joven en su corizon, bonita, tenga 21-28 anos, resida en, o cerca de, Charlottesville o Ruckersvlle, VA, Sin Fumar, no es negra y soltero.

====What I’m doing with my life====
I'm keeping it real; taking it one day at a time working on my projects and helping my family. I also work on my [[Sonichu (comic)|art projects]], get some [[Guitar Hero|exercise]] in; all that good stuff.

====I’m really good at====
[[Chris and art|Drawing]], [[Chris and writing|writing]], crafting, [[Stardate,_August_27,_2010|making well-thought decisions]], [[Father Call|heavy lifting]], holding a [[mumble|conversation]], showing a woman a good time (on a date with taking her to a restaurant and/or finding a fun event to check out and share).

====The first things people usually notice about me====
I would have to give it to my [[The Creepy Stare|face]], especially in in-person times. When I look at other people, I notice their faces first most often. Aside from that, they notice my being friendly, kind and [[Speech impediment|easy to converse with]].

====My favorite books, movies, music, and food====
Goosebumps or Fear Street Novels from R.L. Stein; "[[Mary Poppins]]" is my favorite movie of all time; I like most kinds of music (but my favorite singer is [[Britney Spears]]); Mac & Cheese, [[McDonalds|Grilled Chicken]].

====The six things I could never do without====
-(After I've found the one) My Girlfriend/[[Sweetheart]].
 -Sex
 -My Video Games ([[PS3]], [[PSP]], DS and Wii, and [[List of Chris's games|all of my older consoles]]).
 -Sex
 -My [[Chris and his ego|creative genius]].
 -[[Random Access Humor|Sex LOL]]
 -My good health.
 -My [[Pedo-Glasses|glasses]]; I'm nearsighted.

''Note:Chris has recently removed the Sex, Sex, and Sex LOL requirements from this list, replacing them with a single entry for "Food and Water". We have retained them in our version for the sake of completeness.''

====I spend a lot of time thinking about====
How and where to socialize better.

====On a typical Friday night I am====
At home playing [[Guitar Hero]] or working on my current project.

I am Very Interested in livening up my Friday and Saturday Nights; I am open for suggestions. ;)

====The most private thing I’m willing to admit here====
I am very interested in sex as well as ALL of the True Love emotions, loyalty and honesty that go along with it. I am Compassionate And Passionate.

====You should message me if====
You can MEET ME IN PERSON within TWO days of First Communication and that you are able to CALL ME and Accept CALLS FROM ME. As Well As If You are A) 21-28 years old, B) not [[Niggo|black]] ([[Chris and race|no personal offense]]), C) NOT a [[Tobacky|Smoker]], D) Honest, Compassionate and Pretty, E) no taller than 5'10" F) Single, G) Reside in or around Charlottesville or Ruckersville, VA and H) You'd Like to Get To Know Me Better In Person, share a pleasant conversation, etc. And if you are cool with getting to the bedroom as quickly as right after the First Date.
|}

The only interim change between the first and final versions of this page is Chris's most private thing, where he briefly stated in English that he was an autistic virgin.

{{Quote|I am high-functioning autistic, and I am a virgin; do not be afraid of me nor judge me. I've conquered most of my autistic traits (more of which can be learned on [[wikipedia]] or on autism.org)|Chris, before expunging it from the record entirely.}}

{{-}}

On or around June 12, Chris revisited his OKCupid entry and updated it briefly. Beyond an extra line, Chris added in a new section to the list. [[Chris and the Internet|Leaving the Internet, our ass.]]

{|class="prettytable collapsible collapsed"
!Full text of the third version.
|-
|
====My Self-Summary====
I'm young at heart. I have a comic book series. I would enjoy the company of a beautiful woman who likes some of the things I do. I also like to have fun when I am able to, and do acts of kindness when possible.

I graduated from high school on the [[Honor Roll]], and I have graduated from Piedmong Virginia Community College with a Degree and a Certificate in Computer Aided Drafting and Design. When it comes to what I can offer, I can seriously promise care, respect, empathy, and love. I think that (most) women deserve the world, and I would do my best to give it to them.

I am looking for a woman who is [[honest]] and will love me for me, and [[sex]] is an eventual must; a woman with a happy, positive personality, young at heart, pretty, 21-28-years old, lives in, or around, the Charlottesville or Ruckersville (both in the state of Virginia) areas, smoke-free, non-black and single.

'''Now in Spanish'''

Yo soy joven en mi corizon. Yo tengo un serie de libros comicos. Me gusta la compaÃ±a de una mujer bonita quiÃ©n la gusta mas o menos de las cosas me gusta. Me gusta tener diversion cuando posible, y hago hechos de benevolencia cuando posible.

Yo gradue de me escuela secundarie con Honor Roll, y gradue desde Piedmont Virginia Community College con un tÃtulo y certificado en Computer Aided Drafting & Design. Yo prometo cuidar, respetar, empatÃa y amor. Yo penso que (muchas) mujers ameriten el mundo, ye yo querÃa hacer mi mejor para dar lo por ellas.

Yo estoy buscando por una mujer honesta y va a amor mi por mi; una mujer con una personalidad feliz y positiva, joven en su corizon, bonita, tenga 21-28 anos, resida en, o cerca de, Charlottesville o Ruckersvlle, VA, Sin Fumar, no es negra y soltero.

I am compassionate, reliable, and honest

====What I’m doing with my life====
I'm keeping it real; taking it one day at a time working on my projects and helping my family. I also work on my [[Sonichu (comic)|art projects]], get some [[Guitar Hero|exercise]] in; all that good stuff.

====I’m really good at====
[[Chris and art|Drawing]], [[Chris and writing|writing]], crafting, making well-thought decisions, [[Father Call|heavy lifting]], holding a [[mumble|conversation]], showing a woman a good time (on a date with taking her to a restaurant and/or finding a fun event to check out and share).

====The first things people usually notice about me====
I would have to give it to my [[The Creepy Stare|face]], especially in in-person times. When I look at other people, I notice their faces first most often. Aside from that, they notice my being friendly, kind and easy to converse with.

====My favorite books, movies, music, and food====
Goosebumps or Fear Street Novels from R.L. Stein; "[[Mary Poppins]]" is my favorite movie of all time; I like most kinds of music (but my favorite singer is [[Britney Spears]]); Mac & Cheese, [[McDonalds|Grilled Chicken]].

====The six things I could never do without====
-(After I've found the one) My Girlfriend/[[Sweetheart]].
 -My Video Games ([[PS3]], [[PSP]], DS and Wii, and [[List of Chris's games|all of my older consoles]]).
 -My [[Chris and his ego|creative genius]].
 -My [[Health|good health]].
 -My [[Pedo-Glasses|glasses]]; I'm nearsighted.
 -[[McDonalds|Food]]/[[Coca-Cola|Water]]

====I spend a lot of time thinking about====
How and where to socialize better.

====On a typical Friday night I am====
At home playing [[Guitar Hero]] or working on my current project.

I am Very Interested in livening up my Friday and Saturday Nights; I am open for suggestions. ;)

====The most private thing I’m willing to admit here====
I am very interested in sex as well as ALL of the True Love emotions, loyalty and honesty that go along with it. I am Compassionate And Passionate.

====I'm Looking For====
 * Girls who like guys
 * Ages 21-28
 * Near me
 * Who are single
 * For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, casual sex

====You should message me if====
You can MEET ME IN PERSON within TWO days of First Communication and that you are able to CALL ME and Accept CALLS FROM ME. As Well As If You are A) 21-28 years old, B) not [[Niggo|black]] ([[Chris and race|no personal offense]]), C) NOT a [[Tobacky|Smoker]], D) Honest, Compassionate and Pretty, E) no taller than 5'10" F) Single, G) Reside in or around Charlottesville or Ruckersville, VA and H) You'd Like to Get To Know Me Better In Person, share a pleasant conversation, etc. And if you are cool with getting to the bedroom as quickly as right after the First Date.
|}

==See also==
*[[List of OkCupid Answers]]
*[[The Hook Cafe|''The HooK'' Café]]
*[[Match.com]]

==External links==
*[http://www.okcupid.com/profile/CWCSONICHU Chris's first OkCupid profile]
*[http://www.okcupid.com/profile/ChrisCSonichu Chris's second OkCupid profile]

{{The Internet}}

[[Category:Love Quest]]
[[Category:Websites]]

Lars Call

2011-12-06T08:18:24Z

TheJerk: /* You Are Now About to Witness the Strength of Street Knowledge (0:01 - 7:00) */

[[Image:Lars.jpg|thumb|Lars, with boat]]

{{quote| I be like... "Current age year-old man, seek- lookin' for an 18-to-current-age-year-old woman! Be my sweetheart and junk!" And they be- They misinterpret that, they be thinkin' I be lookin' just for the- Just for the booty call! But no, I ain't lookin' just for the booty call, I'm lookin' for the long run, the emotional attachments and everythaaang!|[[Chris]], talking like a [[niggo]]}}

{{quote|I want [[Jackie]] and I want to be able to keep my [[video games]].|[[Chris]], torn between two loves}}

The '''Lars Call''' was a ninety-minute phone conversation on 6 [[November 2010]] where Chris talked with [[Jackie]]'s [[Niggos|black]] [[JERKS|ex-boyfriend]] [[Lars]], discussing addictions, a parade he promised Jackie, what he would do for a woman, and boats. Chris got comfortable with [[Wikipedia:Ebonics|Ebonics]], and hilarity ensued. Near the end of the call, Lars mentions he's going to have [[sex]] with Jackie, and Chris completely misses what he just said as he hangs up the phone, once again proving how dense Chris really is.

==Summary==
* Jackie had an involuntary abortion, thanks to Lars.
* Lars got rid of his boats, Chris gets rid of his [[Lego|Legos]].
* Lars didn't finish school because people played [[Kick the Autistic|Kick the Nigga]].
* Lars doesn't understand [[autism]], after Chris's explanation, he thought it was [[Asperger syndrome|Asperger's]] and [[Ultra Sonichu|<s>Down Syndrome</s> Downtism]].
* Chris whines about [[trolls]], not getting a [[job]], and being called a [[homo]]. Lars hears him.
* Chris doesn't like when people say "[[gay]]" [[I_Am_The_TRUE,_Original_CCWC#Transcript|as in stupid]], Lars doesn't like when people say [[Niggos|"nigga"]] [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|out of context.]]
* [[Sonichu]] (didn't see that coming), Chris incorporates IRL enemies into his [[comic]]. Lars tells him to continue the comic in order to conquer the trolls.
* Lars says Jackie is upset because she isn't an inspiration for Chris to do the comic, and he sometimes doesn't do what he tells her he will.
* Chris tells Lars he's a [[virgin]]; Lars says that explains his rage against the trolls.
* Chris rewrites the comic so he doesn't kill "[[Alec Benson Leary|Alec Bason Nigga]]".
* Jackie better not burn that casserole.
* Chris promised a parade for Alec to Jackie, Chris denies it, Lars has the [[Jackie_E-mails_20|e-mail proving he did]].
* Jackie initially broke up with Lars because he told her he'd lose the boats, and he didn't. Chris feels him. Chris is Lars's nigga.
* Chris is willing to give up [[the Moon]] and Mercury if he had it, for Jackie. He's really giving up video games, but he won't sell his "[[PS3|PS Triple]]".
* Lars spent $35,000 on six credit cards for boats. He won't let addiction rule his life anymore.
* Chris swears on the grave on his [[Aunt Corina]] he will not spend anymore on his [[PS3]] (at least it wasn't [[Patti]]).
* Lars spent nine months as a volunteer at a hospital, enjoying the sight of [[Bob|old white men]] dying.
* More bitching about [[trolls]].
* Lars and Chris talk about their criminal records, Lars makes trespassing sound bad ass.
* Chris apparently turns into a nigga himself as about halfway in and speaks in Ebonics (off and on) the remainder of the call.
* Chris would [[Death threats|shoot]] [[Michael Snyder]] if he had the chance. Michael was just looking for a reason to [[ban]] Chris.
* Lars gives Chris a scenario of someone breaking in. Chris says he's [[100_2278|strong]] and would kick their ass (but only if they hit first).
* Chris likes black people on [[TV]]. Lars gets mildly offended upon hearing how Chris likes ''Sanford & Son''. They both hold up their fists in black solidarity.
* The conversation goes back to Jackie, they wonder why Jackie is mad at Chris.
* Chris claims that he will make things right.
* Lars tells Chris that his [[dick]] is four inches of straight goodness.
* Lars burned his boats because he wants Jackie back and suggested that Chris burn his PS3 to get Jackie back.
* Lars thinks he has the upper hand over Chris in the competition over Jackie. He was known as "Ram-rod" in [[High School]].
* Chris talks about his [[Cherokee]] heritage. He's not a "casino nigga" and beats the stereotype that Native Americans have jobs.
* Lars respects Chris trying to win Jackie back, while Lars is "[[Hanky-panky|ramrodding]]" her.
* Chris talks about [[The MovingFoward videos|destroying his first PS3]], Lars questions why he got a second one. Chris says he needs it as a computer. Lars asks why he didn't get a computer instead.
* Lars tells Chris to improve himself whether Jackie stays with him or not.
* Jackie can't come to the phone, she's taking a massive shit, courtesy of [[Wikipedia:Taco Bell|Taco Bell]].
* Chris whines that making changes is [[Autism|too hard]].
* Lars says Chris is afraid of women. Chris denies it.
* Chris [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shits himself.]]
* Chris didn't have [[Wikipedia:Taco Bell|Taco Bell]], he had a fish fillet for dinner.
* Lars lost his virginity at 8; he was scared, so he only made the bitch cum twice.
* Lars tells Chris if he loses the PSTriple, his ass will be kicked out on the street and Jackie will be at Chris's doorstep the following day.
* Lars concludes with the fist of solidarity, he will bang Jackie when she gets out of the bathroom.
* Chris promises [[Honest]]y to Lars, he wants Jackie AND [[video games]].
* Chris likes [[Fanta|orange soda]].
* Lars didn't know what [[Wikipedia:Kenan & Kel|''Kenan & Kel'']] or Nickelodeon was, he goes to fuck Jackie.
===Stats===
* The word "nigga" is used 185 times.
* "Shit" is used 554 times.
* "Yo" is used 46 times.

==Transcript==

===You Are Now About to Witness the Strength of Street Knowledge (0:01 - 7:00)===
'''Jackie:''' [''In shrill, forced enthusiasm''] Oh hi Chris, it's Jackie! How are you?
 '''Chris:''' ...Oh... Jackie... Hi.
 '''Jackie:''' Well I got your email!-
 '''Chris:''' Well- Yeah. Oh, uhhh. Yep. What's a... What's... a... [''sounds of frantic typing''] what's... a what's... uh, your response there?
 '''Jackie:''' Um, sorry I missed your- missed you last night, I just didn't know if you'd be around! Listen, I'm going to turn you over to Lars right now, and I'll be listening. So you-
 '''Chris:''' Oh.
 '''Jackie:''' -two boys play nice, ok?
 '''Chris:''' Um, ok.
 '''Jackie:''' Lars!
 '''Lars:''' YO! [[Women's rights|BITCH WHERE MAH DINNER AT?!]]
 '''Chris:''' ...hmm, hello?
 '''Lars:''' Yo!, yo-yo-yo. Who dis at?
 '''Chris:''' ...
 '''Lars:''' Yo dawg?
 '''Chris:''' ...
 '''Lars:''' Yo who did-did? Yo this be Lars and shit, who dis?
 '''Chris:''' Uh, this is Christian.
 '''Lars:''' Yo! yo, Christian C. How y'all doin' dawg?
 '''Chris:''' Um, I'm-fu- I'm fairing out. How are you?
 '''Lars:''' Doin' alright, nigga. Shit. Yo, I'll be honest with y'all dawg. I ain't wanna do this call and shit at first, y'know? You diggin' and shit? Bet y'all pro'lly felt the same way, and shit.
 '''Chris:''' ...
 '''Lars:''' But then my-m, my girl Jackie, she be all like: "Bitch, you best be doin' this call! Lest I'll be all breakin' up you with y'all and shit." So I be like doin' the call and shit.
 '''Chris:''' ...
 '''Lars:''' Yo, dawg-
 '''Chris:''' ...Ye-
 '''Lars:''' -what you wanna talk about?
 '''Chris:''' Hmm, well, uh... yeah for uh... well, for one thing, well, I know what you put- what you did do to Jackie a while back, you spike- you spiked her coffee and killed the unborn child.
 '''Lars:''' Yo yo yo yo yo, dog, yo dog. That my bad and shit, yeah. I'll own up to that shit, sure, shiiit. That's in the past and shit, dog. I own up to that shit, and that's in the past. And I own up to that shit. Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Okay- okay, but how did you own up to that?
 '''Lars:''' Shit, dog, what you talkin' 'bout? I ain't do that shit no more. I made that shit up. Yo dog, what you talkin' 'bout? Shit be long gone, water over the bridge and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Well, the fact remains that she was pregnant with your child, then she lost it.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, yeah, all got- I ain't ready to be no baby daddy and shit. Shit, yo, nigga get scared and shit, fuck. Y'all know what that be like and shit. Y'all ain't be no a-dult and shit, you know? Ain't ready to take on no a-dult responsiblities. Fuck. I done pour libations and shit for that baby, I tell ya what.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' I done regret it and shit. You know? Shit happens. Shit be in the past, though and shit. I'm a new nigga, now. You dig, you feel me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I hear- I hear you.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, so I be burn no baby no baby fetus no more neither. I'm ready for baby now. I got a job and shit, I got rid of my stupid boats and shit too, damn.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I heard you burned those boats.
 '''Lars:''' Got rid of all of them boats. Not just my boats, neither. Got rid of boats, got rid of my expansion pass for boats, got rid of my paint kits for them boats, shit you know dog, I be goin' through my closet and shit, I got paint kit for boats I ain't even own, nigga. Man, sometimes a nigga just face his life and shit, when he ain't facin' it, he ain't realize what he got, 'til it's gone. Be like the song, and shit. You gots to get rid of all that shit, you feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' I got boats in the closet, boats in the yard, boats in the living room, boats in the lawn, boats in my driveway and shit. Boats on the roof and shit. Shit be takin' over my house. Like a bad habit and shit, y'all feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, y'all got- y'all got any [[Recycling|nasty habits]] and shit there Chris?
 '''Chris:''' N-nasty habits?
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, yeah, you know, any boats and shit? Model [[Wikipedia:Planes, Trains and Automobiles|planes, and trains, and automobiles]] maybe? Anything that be weighing you down, and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah-
 '''Lars:''' We all got our demons and shit. You must got somethin', lay it on me, dog.
 '''Chris:''' Oh... okay, well I did have [[CWCville|a whole city]] made out of [[Lego]]s that I tore- I des- pretty much tore it down, and-
 '''Lars:''' Huh, y'all done got a city of [[Lego]]s and shit? Man, I feel you, that's gangsta.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' How much 'fetti y'all get for all them Legos, how much money you get?
 '''Chris:''' Hmm, nah I didn't get very- I didn't give no- I didn't get much money from... I did- there just a whole bunch- a whole bunch of pieces of bricks and whatnot and people are already on their way and most children already have their own bunches of Legos, and they're like they don't need it any more to call up their house and all that.
 '''Lars:''' Shiiit, I feel you. Take them Legos to the bank, get some Lego bills and shit. Man, I just took $30 worth of nickels to the bank this mornin'. Got myself some bills, I did. [[Wikipedia:United States twenty-dollar bill|Jackson]] and [[Wikipedia:United States ten-dollar bill|a Hamilton]] and shit, goin' to [[Wikipedia:Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits|Popeyes Chicken]] with that shit. Bet you feel that, right dog? Y'all ever been to Popeyes and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Hmm, no I cannot say I have sampled Popeyes-
 '''Lars:''' Dog, oh dog you missin' out, missin' out. Damn good chicken and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I'm sure it is, I have heard good things about Popeyes.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight a'ight a'ight, you feel me, you feel me, and I feel you and shit. Damn, nigga. Yo, yo, I be digressin' and shit, we gettin' off topic. We be talkin' 'bout yours and mines nasty habits and shit, what else do you got, dog? Lay it on me.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm...
 '''Lars:''' I feel all righteous and shit, gettin' rid of all my boats, feel like a new nigga and shit. Feel like a whole new day be startin' for me. You ever have a feelin' like that, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I have felt that way before.
 '''Lars:''' Tell me all about it, dog.

=== Slow Times at Manchester High (7:00 - 12:30)===
'''Chris:''' Well pretty much felt like- felt like a big time star and all that when I had a good number of [[gal-pals|friends]] back in high school. But then I had- then I graduated and had to leave [[Chesterfield County]] where I was going to [[high school]] and move back [[Ruckersville]]. And then it just, pretty much went downhill for me, and I didn't have too many friends.
 '''Lars:''' Shit, dog, I hear high school be fun and shit. Oh no, dropped out halfway through seventh grade and shit. That's a cross I had to bear and shit. Dayum.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Been tryin' to go to high school and shit, ain't no niggas in the school system be wantin' no nigga up in their classroom. They be playin' "[[Kick the Autistic|Kick the Nigga]]" and shit. Shit ain't gangsta, they be straight bustas and shit. Fuckin' niggas. Y'all know 'bout getting tormented and shit, ain't you? Tormented for your differences and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I got pretty much tormented for my [[autism]] and considerable [[Slow-in-the-minds|slow-mindedness]], that has happened to me before.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo, dog, au-austiss- wait, the fuck that shit be? D- au...
 '''Chris:''' Autism, it's a- uh, it's a slowness in the mind where, it just, uh, it basically inhibits social functions. Y'know, being able to socialize as well as normal people. You can look it up on [[Wikipedia]].
 '''Lars:''' Oh, y'all be a slow-in-the-mind and shit, then, huh? Like that [[Wikipedia:Down syndrome|Down syndrome]] and shit. My cousin got that shit. Ain't got no neck and shit. Fuckin' shit, nigga can't fit no shirts.
 '''Chris:''' Well, yeah, well, it's not uh- it is not Down syssdrome, it's way different from Down syndrome, just look it up on Wikipedia, and it's [[A-U-T-I-S-M]].
 '''Lars:''' Be more like that [[Asperger's]] and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Um...
 '''Lars:''' I ain't know anyone with that Asperger's, I hear that's some shit. They be all up in them trains and shit. Maybe I should get tested for that shit, I have my boats and shit. I probably grew out of it though, got rid my boats, though.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' So you got them Asperger's and shit, all right dog- all right. I hear you, I feel you. I feel you, yo, we all got our- we all got our differences, we all gots our liabilities.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' What else you got dog? Yo dog, you- you seem like a nice nigga and shit. Man, I ain't think this call gonna be pleaseant and shit, but so far we be doin' good. I ain't know why Jackie be comin' back to me and shit, when she got you. Says she ain't happy with you though. Why we gotta be talkin'? Why Jackie havin' us do this shit? She ain't explain nothing to me.
 '''Chris:''' Well, she’s, uh-
 '''Lars:''' Man, yo, I love the bitch and shit, sometimes she treat me like a fuckin’ [[Wikipedia:House slave|house nigga]]. Shit, won’t-bitch won’t tell me nothin’.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I hear you. [[Barb|My-my mom]]-it happens between my mom and [[Bob|dad]]. It’s, uh, lack of communication and-yeah, shit like that.
 '''Lars:''' Feel that, feel that. Fifty percent of marriages in this country lead to divorce because of that shit. Now, I’m [[Niggos|a black man]], so I’m naturally afraid of marriage and shit, so that probably ain’t gonna affect me and [[Jackie]]. But still, shit ain’t right. Shit ain’t gangsta.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I hear-
 '''Lars:''' Shit ain't [[Wikipedia:Cornbread|cornbread]].
 '''Chris:''' I hear that.
 '''Lars:''' So why Jackie be not happy with you and shit? I mean, y'all know why Jackie wasn't happy with me. I wanna know why Jackie ain’t happy with you. We got-we got’s to bond like true niggas.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Well, uh, she and I, uh, we’ve had our, uh, our fights as well, but, uh, with my [[computer]] went, uh, went all on the fritz and I wasn’t able to get back out-to get back on, and it’s like, I can’t afford to get a new computer right now to, uh, replace-a new computer tower, and, uh, and we-and we haven’t been able to talk to each other through, uh, AIM and, uh, she’s kinda felt neglected on that. And, uh, also she requested me to upload-to make and upload videos to [[YouTube]] for her, which I have done, and, uh-
 '''Lars:''' A’ight, a’ight, I know about them videos and shit. I’ve been watching that shit. Man, I’ve been wondering what that shit all about, then I find out Jackie been asking y'all to do shit. Yo yo yo yo dawg, let me ask you a question and shit, though. Yo-
 '''Chris:''' Uh huh.
 '''Lars:''' You been doing these-You been doing these videos and shit. Why she be mad and shit? You be doing what she asks, right? You be doing everything-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' -she asks?
 (pause)
 '''Lars:''' Somethin’ about-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Somethin’ about some comic she was bitchin’ about the other day. I was like, “Bitch! Go make me my fuckin’ steak dinner, bitch!” But she just keep railing on about [[Book10Replacement|that fuckin’ comic video]]. I watched that comic video, you scribbled some shit, maybe ‘cause you ain’t colorin’ shit, I don’t know.
 '''Chris:''' Well, I mean, uh-
 '''Lars:''' Jackie-Jackie like them colors. Yo, hell, I ain’t got to tell you she like colors. She like me. That’s all the color she needs. I guess she wanted more color from you, though.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, well I mean, I recorded that video, I hadn't had a chance to color it in yet, but I had planned to color it in after that, and uh, and th- and I'll be taking the, uh video file and uploading to YouTube at the, uh, library. I just haven't been able to get out in my car lately.

===Turf Wars (12:30 - 16:00)===
'''Lars:''' I heard it be somethin' 'bout you pickin' fights with- with artisans and shit, other cartoonists? You be like, [[troll]]in' and shit. Startin' gang wars and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Turf wars? I come from the streets, I know what turf war be all about.
 '''Chris:''' Eh.
 '''Lars:''' Shit. Ain't no winners in that game. Everybody lose.
 (Pause)
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Well it's uh, not really a turf war, it's- ah, but I guess it can be considered like that. It's a- I have- I have been havin' my fights and bouts against a- like, a Internet bullies, and cyberbullies. Trolls.
 '''Lars:''' What is-
 '''Chris:''' [''interjecting''] They just, uh- they just, uh- think they're breaking uh- I became like, a Internet celebr- Internet c-celebrity with my, uh, crea- my uh, my genius of [[Sonichu (comic)|my comic]], in my comics and whatnot. So yeah, they uh, just essentially torture me. They, uh- They- they- they- like, they- uh, really weigh me down. And plus, they, uh- like, called my, like, got my, they got overtime from between the hackings and they uh, pretend to be other people, and- and uh, and all that damn shit. It's, they uh- get a whole bunch of, uh [unintelligible]
 '''Lars:''' I feel you, dog. I feel ya.
 '''Chris:''' They get a whole bunch of footage from me and they just twist it and turn it the wrong way and just make my-and they just smear my once good name in the mud. Makes it very hard for me to get a job of my own with the background checks. Then-and they pretty much Google my-Google my name and all you get was, uh-all you get’s pretty much, other than the first, and their sole results is, uh, damn [[CWCki]] and uh, damn [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and that’s just a whole bunch of weigh-me-downs-
 '''Lars:''' I feel ya, I feel ya.
 '''Chris:''' [''unintelligible''] –bad about me.
 '''Lars:''' That fuckin’ man hold a nigga down. Shit, I’ve been living that shit, whole life and shit. Damn. Fuckin’ niggas tryin’ to hold a nigga down. Yo yo, yo-
 '''Chris:''' You know, Lars-
 '''Lars:''' Yo yo yo, let m-oh, no no, you go ahead, dawg. You go ahead.
 '''Chris:''' Okay-
 '''Lars:''' You go on with your righteous self.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Anyway, they also misla-they also mislabel me as a [[homos]]exual when I am a straight man.
 '''Lars:''' Homosexual and shit? Damn. Like on the [[Wikipedia:Down-low (sexual slang)|DL]]?
 '''Chris:''' [''unintelligible'']
 '''Lars:''' That what they say?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah they be calling me- yeah, they be calling me gay. But I'm a- but I'm a straight man.
 '''Lars:''' Man, I know these niggas. Y'all like, they be all like men who have sex with men an' shit? They call themselves gay, but I'm like, nigga, you be gay if you be having sex with men. I mean, what that shit about? Fuckin' gay niggas, ain't wanna admit they gay. You know that gay shit, though, I think it's that, that macho shit. Ain't no black man want to admit to being a gay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Dawg.
 '''Chris:''' [''unintelligible''] Yeah, yeah plus you know what also, you know along those lines what really ticks me off is when they-when they use the word "gay" when the word means "stupid" or "retarded."
 '''Lars:''' Shit. All be like when niggas be using the word nigga an' shit. That be our word and shit, ain't no one got the right to use that shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' You know how that feels 'an shit, it hurts me. Right here. Right fucking here.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I-
 '''Lars:''' I be tappin' my chest, where my heart muscle is? You can't see it 'cause we on the phone, but that's what I be doin'. To enunciate my point. So.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I-
 '''Lars:''' What you sayin' is, when people call you gay, that be hurting you the same way, 'cause "gay" be like your word. Just like "nigga" be like my word, an' shit. Damn.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Shit.
 '''Chris:''' Essentially, yeah, I know.

===The Alec Bason Nigga Parade (16:00 - 26:43)===
'''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo, yo, dog, dog. Let me, let me go back, let me ax you. Ya'll say you be drawin' comics and shit, what kind of comics you draw, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Ugh, it's uh, from a idea I had. Uh, in a nutshell it's essentially combining [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Pikachu]]. Called him, uh, [[Sonichu]]. And that's all--he's like this, he actually goes on the adventures and whatnot, similar to Sonic the Hedgehog in one, he's got like electric powers and he can run fast and everything. They, and he hangs around, he hangs around, goes out with [[Rosechu|his girlfriend]] and uh, yeah, eventually they get married and uh, they have [[Sonee & Rosey|children]].
 '''Lars:''' Shit, be like [[Wikipedia:Archie Comics|Archie comics]] and shit. Y'know, I always though Archie be [[Homos|gay]] an' shit. Fuckin' Archie.
 '''Chris:''' N-no-
 '''Lars:''' [[Wikipedia:Archie Bunker|Archie Bunker]] with his negativity, fuckin' callin' people nigger. Gooks. Swanks. Wanks. Negros. All of his [[Wikipedia:Jughead Jones|jughead]] remarks, shit. Fuckin' Archie. That be like what [[Sonichu (comic)|your comic]] is like, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Well, I mean essentially, that would be what it would've been, but then I, then that, I kind of like lost track of when the trolls, the uh, the [[trolls]], [[Chris and English|the typos]], and then [[WeighIn|they weighed me, they weighed me down.]] And then they, then you know the expression, "too many cooks spoil the broth." Well, they used to get on my mind so much that they get, then I end up drawing them into my comic books, making them into villains, and yadda-yadda-yadda. They just, they just...and they just essentially just worsened my... most of my books. And then-
 '''Lars:''' Alright.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Originally-
 '''Lars:''' Alright.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Originally it was supposed to be like, you know, like ages 7 and up, but then I end up going to the content, uh, it could be considered, be like, be like definitely be considered adulterous. Even some, even some-
 '''Lars:''' Alright.
 '''Chris:''' Even some-
 '''Lars:''' I see.
 '''Chris:''' Even some [[nudes|naked]] things I had but I, I just up and did. You know.
 '''Lars:''' You ain't be drawing your comic because these, 'cause these white niggas what be hatin' on your work. They be drinkin' all that Haterade. That why you ain't be drawing. I see.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Aw shit, dog! That be why Jackie asked you to do the comic and shit! Shit, it all falls together now, the last puzzle piece in place. Cracka, you know if you stop that it means they win, right? Ya'll gots to get up on that comic and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I real, yeah, I really do need to get back to drawing more, drawing more p, drawing more comics and pages. But I just haven't been able to find the inspiration. They weighed me down so bad they just affe-, they just affected (?) me in the back of my mind and my subconscious.
 '''Lars:''' 'Em dog Jackie be telling me she thought she'd be your inspiration and shit. Ain't that the case and shit? What be goin' on then?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, she, yeah, she did-
 '''Lars:''' Jackie be all like...Jackie be all like "Aw shit, nigga!" That's what she said to me, she said "Aw shit, nigga! Why ain't Chris be drawin' no comic for me? Ain't I no inspiration and shit? Dayum!" And I'll be like "Damn, bitch! Go make me my steak dinner!" Bitch be ballin' and shit. Fuckin' smack a ho... shit keeps up. Why you ain't draw the comic and shit for her?
 '''Chris:''' Y-y-you can't, you can't exactly rush inspir- you can't exactly rush inspiration, for... uh... for one thing.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo! But ain't, ain't my bitch Jackie, ain't she give you the story and shit for this comic vidya?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, she gave me the idea of, like uh, for uh, for the, for uh, one dude who originally was definitely not original part of the comic scene, but then he did his [[parody]] against me, and uh, in his comic he portrayed killing me and, they're like getting to war (?) go against me and uh, even, even agreeing with this, even agreeing with this guy who pretends, who uh, pretends to be me and... (sigh). Just more, whole bunch of more shit right there. Anyway, what, anyway what she wanted me to throw him a- she wanted me to throw like a parade in a, in a, in a... in the comic, in my comic scene. And you know, like, you know, I mean he did what he did to me in his comics and I took it literally. It's like, you know, he fuckin', he fuckin' just shot, he fuckin' just, a whole bunch of bullet wounds in one go on my, on my, on myself. And I ain't gonna throw him a parade on that, on that, on that scene and whatnot.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo, I feel you angry an' shit, dog, I feel you furious an' shit. You furious at this nigga. An' I feel it. You know, dog-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Jackie be talkin' to me. Jackie be sayin', ain't the problem that you hate this nigga. Problem be, that you lie to her and tell her you gonna do it when you ain't mean to. What up with that, dog?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Long pause)'' Well, I have told her that I was eh-I would not be giving him a parade but she just insisted on that and she just, uh, and I would, I would say that she just, kind of like, got in her mind that, she thought that was that-I was definitely going to do that, even though-
 '''Lars:''' My shoulder, Jackie.
 '''Chris:''' Told her-
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo, yo dog, yo dog, my shoulder, Jackie. She be all like, she email you and ax you to do this video an' shit, an' then you email her back and say, "Yeah bitch, ain't no problem an' shit, I'll be doin' that." Ya'll ain't made no, no... no prov-ver-acations an' shit. Ya'll ain't made no provesations.
 '''Chris:''' Yes, well, I mean that, I told her I would, that I would draw her the pages, but I did not tell her that I was going to throw him- throw him a parade in the pages because I had said that I was not giving him a fucking parade.
 '''Lars:''' She said she wanted a parade an' shit, and then you write back saying you were gonna do it.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' I mean I feel her anger. I feel her righteousness and shit. Lie or omission, still be a fuckin' liar and shit. Ya'll dig, dog?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Man, y'all got anger and shit, and I feel that. I feel that, I really do and shit nigga, but y'all got to stand up to yo' woman and shit, damn! Woman be tellin' you to do shit, y'all ain't just be lyin' to her. You gots a problem wit' yo' woman, you ain't lie to her, then all you got's two problems. Ya dig?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' How often you get laid, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Uh... I'm sorry, what was that?
 '''Lars:''' How often you get laid? ''[[China|Pussy]].''
 '''Chris:''' How often-
 '''Lars:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' How often do I get laid?
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, when the last time you cut some trim and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Hm... I'm actually a [[Virgin with rage|virgin]].
 '''Lars:''' Aw, shit, dog. Explains that anger and shit. This be why you angry at them trolls.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah, among other things.
 '''Lars:''' Shit dog, see- See dog, you be lyin' to women and shit, they ain't like that. Man, you ain't wanna do what no woman tells you to do, you just tell her straight up to her face. Then you have her go make you a steak dinner and shit. But you ain't lie to her and shit. Shit ain't gangsta. Shit be straight busta.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I did tell her straight- I did tell her straight up that I was not gonna be throwing that- I was not gonna be throwin' him a fuckin' parade. I was not gonna draw him in a parade.
 '''Lars:''' ''(Talking over each other)'' Yo dog, I be looking at printouts and shit. Y'all know us niggas don't be doin' too well on the Internet, Jackie be printin' out printouts and shit for me. Yo I be lookin' at printouts and shit. And...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' In the email, she said, "Hey Chris, why don't y'all do that parade video for that, Alec... Alec Bason... Nigga, whatever his name is. Alec Bason Nigga. And then you say, "Sure Jackie, I'll be on that shit!" Y'all ain't make not protestations. why ain't y'all say nothing then?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Hm. Well-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all said you gonna do it. Ya'll not mean to do it. You feel me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, tommorow, to let you know, uh- This, it was essentially, in the replacement pages where I do not, uh, end up, I do not end up giving Alec a gory- and his crew, a gory demise, like I did originally. ''(Pause)'' I did not-
 '''Lars:''' Yo, bitch Jackie said to throw this nigga a parade. You say "a'ight, I'm a do that." Then you didn't. ''(Pause)'' You be lyin' to women and shit often, dog? This be why you still a virgin and shit?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Sigh)''
 '''Lars:''' Smellin' me, dog?
 '''Chris:''' No- No, it's... ''(Sigh)'' Well... Wait a minute, ''(Sigh)'' My brain- I gotta catch up my brain, here. Mm.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight. I feel that.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Long pause; some grunting heard while Chris catches up his brain)''
 '''Lars:''' ''(At Jackie:)'' Yo bitch don't burn that [[Wikipedia:Casserole|casserole]]! Fuckin' bitch.
 '''Chris:''' Well-
 '''Lars:''' Hold- Hold on.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah, you still there?
 '''Lars:''' Yeah. Yeah dog, I be here. I be wit' you.
 '''Chris:''' Alright. Alright, well. Well, I do not mean to, I did not mean to lie to her, but I did tell her straight up that I did not- That I had no intention of throwing that... Of throwing that dude a parade.
 '''Lars:''' Nah dog, I be lookin' at the emails, she said to throw him a parade, you say you gonna do it. You ain't say "I ain't throwin' a parade."
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah well I told- Yeah I mean I told her I did not wanna throw him- throw him- throw him a parade.
 '''Lars:''' When you tell her this shit, I ain't see this shit. When you tell her you ain't throwin' a parade? I need some help and shit, dog, I ain't feelin' where you at.
 '''Chris:''' Well, maybe uh...
 '''Lars:''' Gots ourselves a... discommunication.
 '''Chris:''' I- Yeah... I think it was discommunication.
 '''Lars:''' No I mean between us and shit dog, I ain't feeling where you at. 'Cause I see the emails and shit, she say throw a parade for the nigga. You say a'ight. But you ain't mean a'ight.
 '''Chris:''' Well, I said- Well I said alright in drawing the replacement pages.
 '''Lars:''' You said a'ight to the whole email though.
 '''Chris:''' But I did not-
 '''Lars:''' You ain't pick out bits and pieces, and say yes to this, and no to that. That's why I'm- I be confused, I be confuzzled and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah uh-
===Fueling the Fire (26:43 - 28:30)===
'''Lars:''' Yo, yo, dog, let me relate a cautionary tale an' shit. Shit, shit happened way back in Jackie an' I first relationship and shit. Man, bitch be all like, "Lars, you best be gettin' rid of them boats, lest I bounce and shit," and I be like, "A'ight, a'ight dog, I'll be gettin' ridda my boats and shit, shorty. Shit, you'll see and shit. Damn!" Then the bitch was like, "A'ight, you be gettin' rid of them boats, I don't wanna see no boats here in forty-eight hours." I'll be like, "A'ight." I ain't mean to get ridda them boats. I just went out and bought mo' boats. Shit, bitch was all like, "Lars, you need to lose boats. Y'all be like, addicted and shit. You need to stop buyin' boats and shit." I be like, "A'ight" every fuckin' time. Every fuckin' time. I just payin' the bitch [[Wikipedia:Lip service|lip service]] and shit. Soon enough, whole fuckin' house fulla boats and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' I ain't ever mean to get ridda them boats, I just keep buyin' more boats. Y'all ever had anything like that shit? Someone want you to get ridda somethin', you say "a'ight"? Then you don't, and you just keep gettin' more? Fuckin' addiction, and shit. Fueling the fire.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Be like slavery, fueling them flames of injustice and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Once you got that shit, can't stamp it out, and shit. Sheeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' ...Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all feel me, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I feel you. Hm. Alright well-
 '''Lars:''' Who my nigga?
 '''Chris:''' Alright well, anyway-
 '''Lars:''' Who my nigga? Whoa, whoa, dog. Who my nigga? Ya'll be my nigga, right?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be feelin' me.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I be feelin' ya.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah. Y'all be my nigga? Say it, dog. Say you my nigga.
 '''Chris:''' Alright... I'll be yo nigga.

===Never Gonna Give You Up (28:30 - 34:25)===
'''Lars:''' Sheeeit. Dog be righteous and shit, up in here. Be all gangsta and shit. Nigga, I ain't expect this shit, y'all an me. We be homies and shit. Damn. I ain't know why Jackie wanna get rid a yo ass. That's what I'm tryin'a find out an' shit. 'Cause I'm confuzzled. Might be this lyin' and shit, maybe that be why she all mad at you an' shit. Might be somethin' else, I dunno. Anything else? What's goin' on there? ''(Pause)'' How much y'all love Jackie and shit?
 '''Chris:''' How mu- I- I love- I love- I care and love Jackie a lot.
 '''Lars:''' How much? How much- you love her more than what? Put it into quantintative terms and shit. ''(Pause)'' I'll be like-
 '''Chris:''' Well-
 '''Lars:''' I'll be like- Every night, I be like, "Jackie, I love yo ass more'n the moon an' shit. I would throw away the moon an' shit, Death Star that shit! Fuck. Ain't need to tides an' shit. All I need's my Jackie." Feelin' me? Damn!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' What'd y'all give up for that bitch?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Well I mean, I'll give up- I mean I would give up most anything for... for Jackie and me to be together.
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, she ever ask... ax you to be givin' up shit for her? ''(Pause)'' She ask me to give away my boats and shit. I be all like, refusin' an' shit, first time around. Shit be what burned our relationship. That and the whole fetus thing. Shit. Bitch ain't never gonna let me live that shit down. Be all harpin' on me, every time she serve me dinner and shit. Suckin' my dick, all I hear be like ''(Does impression of Jackie's dick-muffled voice)'' "Lars, why you kill my baby?" Fuckin' bitch. Yo, dog, I be digressin' and shit. Y'all my nigga, y'all gots to be cuttin' me off when I do that. Ten to wax philosophical and shit. My bad. My bad. Let's go back to that question and shit. What y'all givin' up for Jackie? ''(Pause)'' Thinka she like [[Wikipedia:Lent|Lent]] and shit, what you givin' up?
 '''Chris:''' Well, I mean, If I had the moon I would give that up for her as well.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, I feel ya. Be all... poetical. Metaphorical and shit. Poetaphorical. Shit be romance, all [[Wikipedia:Hallmark Cards|Hallmark]] greetin' cards and shit. Bitches love that. Bitches be slobberin' all up on yo balls and dick when they hear that shit. Damn! ''(Pause)'' Practical terms, though, what y'all givin up for her? Like, like the metaphorical, I be givin' up the moon for the bitch. I ain't own the moon and shit. I ain't got no [[Wikipedia:Death Star|Death Star]]. Ain't no [[Wikipedia:Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|Empire]] gonna let no nigga in charge of a Death Star an' shit. Even that biggest galaxy nigga in the world, [[Wikipedia:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] and shit, turned out to be pasty fuckin' white dude underneath. Shit. [[Wikipedia:Lando Calrissian|Lando Calrissian]], fuckin' [[Wikipedia:Uncle Tom|Uncle Tom]] and shit. Sellin' out a nigga to the Empire.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' What y'all givin' up? I gave up my boats.
 '''Chris:''' I actually, uh...
 '''Lars:''' I burned them boats!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Ashes to ashes. Swords to plowsheds and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I tell you what, I'd be givin' up, uh... all other- I be givin' up, uh... The planet- The, uh planet closest to the Sun for Jackie. Mercury.
 '''Lars:''' Shiiit, nigga. Ain't that shit be all [[Wikipedia:Dwarf planet|dwarf planet]] and shit now? They be cuttin' three inches off that planet's [[dick]] an' shit? Heard that shit back in [[2006]]. Fuck.
 '''Chris:''' No, you're thinkin' about- You're thinkin' of [[Wikipedia:Pluto (dwarf planet)|Pluto]], the planet that is ''farthest'' away from the Sun, this is the planet ''closest'' to the Sun.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, I see. I see. Yeah, Space be black an' shit, but don't let that confuzzle you an' shit. Ain't no nigga goin' up in space, I tell ya what. Fuckin'-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Man gonna keep a nigga down. Keep a nigga on the ground. Keep a nigga from flyin'. Keep a nigga from tryin'. Sheeeit. Got my finger on the trigger, niggas wonder why. Livin' in the city, it's do or die, nigga. Y'all feel me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' I know y'all feel me, y'all be my nigga an' shit. Who my nigga? Who my nigga, dog?
 '''Chris:''' I'm yo nigga.
 '''Lars:''' You're my nigga, dog. You're my nigga. A'ight, a'ight, a'ight, I feel you. Let's go back to the metaphorical, metafusical, question of the evening. Y'all be givin' up Mercury?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be givin up [[the Moon]]? Y'all be givin' up [[Wikipedia:Ceres (dwarf planet)|Ceres]] and shit? Fuckin' [[Wikipedia:Moons of Pluto|Nix and Hydra]], goddamn bullshit little moons. What else y'all givin' up? What practicalities and... reala-tala-calaties be you givin' up and shit? In the here and now, what be down here ain't no planet. What y'all givin' up for the bitch? ''(Pause)'' I would give up the Moon, and shit, and I'll give away Ceres, and [[Wikipedia:Proxima Centauri|Proxima Centauri]] and all that shit, but down here on the planet Earth, I be givin' away my boats and shit. Burnin' that shit. Put it to ash. Put them ashes on the mantle. Up on my fireplace and shit. Ain't got no ashes of my daddy, my daddy be fleein' me when I was a baby and shit. Ain't no black man can raise a baby, they all flee. So I ain't got my daddy's ashes. That ain't where he is. Y'all be my daddy for all I know. Shit. ''Man'', I be waxin' off again! You ever just wax off like that? Shit. Once you start, ya just can't stop. 'Til you pop. Fuckin' bullshit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Anyway dog, I be takin' up all the air time- The word time, dawg, you gots ta lay it down for me, what y'all givin' up for Jackie? I'll be shuttin' up now, I'll be shuttin' up now, y'all see your piece, y'all be righteous.
 '''Chris:''' Alright, the uh, the rea- In the reality...
 '''Lars:''' Right, dog.
 '''Chris:''' I'd be giving up my... video game time.

===The PS Triple Investment (34:25 - 48:15)===
'''Lars:''' Oh, y'all be gettin' rid a them vidya games and shit. Eh?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I got rid of the, I got rid of a lot of video games I've been hoarding over the years.
 '''Lars:''' That [[PS3|PS Triple]] an' shit? Damn. Shit be like [[Chris and money|800 dollars]] and shit, right? Shit be like a money sink. I feel ya dog, be good you be gettin' ridda that shit. How much 'fetti you get for that shit? Y'sell that shit off. yeah?
 '''Chris:''' ''([[stress]]ful pause)'' No, I have not, no- I have not sold my... PlayStation 3. And it ha- and I have invested a lot ''into'' it. Ever since I had it.
 '''Lars:''' Invested and shit? Y'all be like playin' stocks and shit? What y'all talkin' 'bout, "investin'"?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, it's just, you know... I downloaded a lot of stuff. On to it.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, dog, I be downloadin' a lotta boats and shit, too. Ain't see me keepin' no boats around, I be burnin' all my boats. Ain't no investment, be a curse and shit. Like a black hole. That be one a them astronomical things. Think [[Wikipedia:Pluto (dwarf planet)|Pluto]] gonna turn into a [[Wikipedia:Black hole|black hole]] 'cause it pissed off about bein' a [[Wikipedia:Dwarf planet|dwarf planet]]. Pluto be like, like a giant boat. Filled with (?) paint kits and shit. All that money.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all be givin' up them vidya games. Whoa-whoa-wait, wait, nigga. Nigga, nigga, nigga, my nigga.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all say you givin' up them vidya games, but y'all got no- Y'all got the PS Triple and shit, still.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that's another thing, I-
 '''Lars:''' I be confuzzled.
 '''Chris:''' That's another thing that, uh, kinda ticks me- It kinda ticks me off a bit, uh, I do not- I do not like it when... When uh, when the trolls, have been- You know, they pretty much seem to have started the trend of calling the PlayStation 3 a... "PS Triple". [[Chris and Hypocrisy|And I just do not- I just- That just rubs me the wrong way, man.]]
 '''Lars:''' Shit, dog. Why y'all ain't like that and shit? Just be a box fulla toys and shit, why y'all be defendin' the name and shit? I mean I feel ya, wantin' to defend the name, defend the honor, defend the honor of a honest woman and shit? Man, I be all up on that shit. Wanna be up that poon tang, you gotta be defendin' that honor and shit. Man, like my bitch, little Cubby, he be sayin' "Bitch, yo bitch be all bitch and shit,"
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I hear ya.
 '''Lars:''' I be like, "I'm a pop yo ass."
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be standin'- I be standin' up for... I be standin' up for my woman too, you know, I defendin' her from any- from anybody that comes upon her. Yeah, look-
 '''Lars:''' So y'all be defendin' your PS Triple like it be a woman and shit? I be confuzzled and shit.
 '''Chris:''' The PS... The PS Triple no woman, it just, it's just a... dang material possession. And the- and, and uh, and Jackie being the wonderful woman she is, and the wonderful person, very s- best person there is, you know... She's a lot more important than a dang ol' video game console. ''(Pause)'' But still, you know, after I invested a whole lot in there over the- over that- over that... my time I had it, it's like you know, I ain't gonna get that back and I'm certainly not gonna be able to get ''[indecipherable]'' for it. Face value.
 '''Lars:''' Ain't y'all gonna get Jackie and shit though? Ain't Jackie be worth more than a PS Triple and shit? Jackie cook a mean steak dinner and shit. All the fixins. Throw some [[Wikipedia:Grits|grits]] on there. Some [[Wikipedia:Starburst (confectionery)|Starburst]]. Little [[Wikipedia:Grape soda|grape soda]] on the side. Mmm-mmm-mmm!
 '''Chris:''' Yep. I tell ya, If I can't, uh, If I can't sell my PS Triple, I tell ya something else, I tell you, another thing I would definitely get rid of for Jackie, I'd get rid of a whole bunch of the, uh... [[Transformers]] I got.
 '''Lars:''' Why can't y'all get ridda that PS Triple though, dog? I- I ain't be feelin' it, I ain't be understandin' and shit. Y'all got my mind twisted and turned, with these phrases. I know y'all ain't mean it and shit, but I ain't be feelin' it. I need y'all help, dog. I be slow and shit, I ain't be figuring it out. Why ain't y'all give up that PS Triple and shit, dog? Worked hook, line and sinker with my boats.
 '''Chris:''' I downl- Listen, I downloaded over 4000 dollars worth of content and... at face value it's not gonna get me back 4000 dollars.
 '''Lars:''' Shiiit, dog! Ain't about the money and shit. Shit be about gettin' rid of addictions and shit. Y'know I how much I drop on boats and shit? Forty-five thousand dollars! I got like, six credit cards for that shit. Y'know how hard it is for a black man to get one credit card, I got six! Six, nigga. That's how dedicated I was to them fuckin' boats. That's how- them boats was my life, nigga. Them boats was my life! Sheeit. But I burned them boats, ain't get no money for that shit. That money be ''gone'', nigga. I got debts to pay off and shit. But I be an honest nigga now. I ain't lettin' no addiction control me. Why you ain't get rid a that PS Triple? I be feelin' Jackie, like, that's what she want.
 '''Chris:''' I- I- I- Lemme just- Just let me talk, here.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all go ahead, dog. I'm listenin'.
 '''Chris:''' Alright. Listen, I do not, I would not need to sell the console in order for me to not spend any more. I just- will just swear upon- Upon my [[Aunt Corrina]]'s grave. On that, and uh, my fam- On the life of myself and [[Barbara|my mom]] and [[Bob|my dad]]. Everybody in my family. And I will just not- I will not spend... Any- I will just not spend any more- ''[Audio gets fucked up here while Chris continues lying]'' -downloading for the P-
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, I hear ya.
 '''Chris:''' ''[Audio still messed up]''
 '''Lars:''' Ain't Jackie ask you to do that a while ago and shit? Ain't Jackie ask you to not spend on that a while ago, ain't that what she said? That what she be tellin' me. Ain't y'all still be spendin' and shit though?
 '''Chris:''' ''[Pause]'' I-
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, as a nigga that seen the worst of addictions, I gotta level wit' you, bro. Just ain't work that way, dog. Sheeeeeeit. Y'all go ahead, dog, y'all go ahead.
 '''Chris:''' Look, I mean, it just- it just had to be, uh... one that I would have- I would have to able- I just would have to be able to show it to her in person, you know. I treat- I treat her right. I would treat her right in person, and I would not be th- My money would be going all to- All towards her, and... Not on anything new that goes on the, uh, PS Triple.
 '''Lars:''' So you ain't been buyin' games for, like... How long, [[Jackie]] ask you that shit like... Months ago, and shit, right? You ain't been buying no games for all that time?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' I ain't been- I ain't buying no game for about a month. Buying no new games.
 '''Lars:''' "About a month"?
 '''Chris:''' Ain't gonna... Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' This... This be any games and shit, this be just that... That, what the fuck, Jackie- ''(Yells at Jackie)'' Yo bitch, what you call that? That... "PSN" shit? Fuckin'... what that stand for, "PS Nigga" and shit? Sheeeit. Gonna be a lawsuit up there at Sony, with this bitch. Y'all be spendin' money just on that? You don't be buying games at the... [[Wikipedia:Costco|Costco]] and shit? Buyin' them hard copies? ''(Pause)'' Don't lie to me, dog, don't lie to me.
 '''Chris:''' A bunch- a bunch-
 '''Lars:''' Dog, you be my nigga an' shit? You be my nigga?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' You be my nigga an' shit, don't be lyin' to me. Bros before hos, dog. We be tight, dog.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I-
 '''Lars:''' You be feelin', I be touchin'.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I ain't lyin'- I ain't lyin' to you. It's essentially, you know, the stuff I download from the PSN, there's no... uh, it- And the "N", by the way, it stands for "Network", "PlayStation Network".
 '''Lars:''' A'ight.
 '''Chris:''' But anyway, it's stuff that mostly- Stuff, mostly stuff that you just cannot f- You just cannot get on hard copy. There's no hard copy for mosta the stuff they got on there.
 '''Lars:''' But y'all still be buyin' shit. Y'all still be buyin' games on PSN.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah, y- Yeah, but, yeah it's like, uh- It's like, uh, world wide web, it's like, Internet thing, it's like... Alright. You- You know of [[IPods Down and Listen Up|iTunes]], right?
 '''Lars:''' "Internet"? Like the white folks' street corner and shit, yo dog I feel you. iTunes and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, iTunes, it-
 '''Lars:''' Be more like "WhiteTunes", with all that white color.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, iTunes or [[List of Chris's Rhapsody.com downloads|Rhapsody]] or Napster. Well, point is, you know, it's... It's uh, you know-
 '''Lars:''' So y'all be spendin' money and shit on this [[PSN]].
 '''Chris:''' [''pause''] Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' But ain't Jackie not want you to be doin' that shit though?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I will- And I promise her that I would not do that, and I have not been... doing that. ''(Pause)'' For about a month now.
 '''Lars:''' Bitch be tellin' me she up on that PS Nigga, she be lookin' at y'all... Y'all [[Facebook]] on that nigga. Shit, I ain't know. I ain't know this Internet shit. Internet be like space, ain't no nigga gonna up on that Internet neither. Fuckin' Man keepin' us down. Anyway... sheeit. Bitch be tellin' me she all up on that PS Nigga and she check your... Your trophies, and your accolades, and shit. Nigga be gettin' all new trophies for new games and shit, all through the month.
 '''Chris:''' Actually those were new trophies for games I had already- I already owned.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all be... Y'all be havin' game you ain't played for months, but you still buyin' shit? I feel that, I feel that, I was like that with my boats and shit, I be buyin' boats... I ain't even take 'em in the tub for... six months and shit. Nigga like his bubble bath with boats, no? Some times I have my favorite boats, sometimes I have my less favorite boats, sometimes I have my not favorite boats at all, nigga. I ain't even like them boats. So you and me, we be in the same boat and shit, y'feel me? ''Sheeeeeeeeeeit.'' Dawg, we be tight and shit. Y'all be up in my grill and shit. Y'all be... up in my 'fetti. ''(Awkward Pause)''
 '''Chris:''' I hear that.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight, let me ax you then.
 '''Chris:''' Uh-huh.
 '''Lars:''' So Jackie, she be all bitchin' at you, she be all like, "Chris, I know you ain't be buyin' no boats, and... PSN nigga boats, and... PS Nigga games", and... she ain't want you buyin' none a that shit. A'ight? But then you go... you still gonna be playin' this shit. Yo bitch be all like, ain't want you, ain't want you playin' wit' yo boats and shit, yo PS boats. Shit be all addictive and shit, ya feel?
 '''Chris:''' [''pause''] Yeah... You have to forgive me for... things there, you kinda talk a little fast, and I'm just tryin' to- Just wanna make sure I'm able to understand you.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog, a'ight. You take your time and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but, we cool.
 '''Lars:''' Brovaries before ovaries, and shit. We cool. You take your time.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' You take your sweet time. [''pause'']
 '''Chris:''' Yeah bu-
 '''Lars:''' So what y'all thinka that? You need a clarification, and shit? A bifurcation? Y'all got, y'all be feelin' me, y'all be feelin my question.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Uh-
 '''Lars:''' So what y'all...
 '''Chris:''' Uh, I'm not really sure what the question is, though.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, I be, I'll be rephrasin' with the past parsable and shit. So my bitch Jackie, she be all like, "Chris, I ain't want you plain' none a them games, now." You be gettin' games up on that PS Nigga. You be playin' them games all day and night. Sheeeeit, addiction be all "spiral of doom" and shit. Ain't about just the money. It's about the ''tiiiime'', nigga. 'Bout the ''effort'', nigga. All that time an effort, go in to the volunteerin' and shit. Work at the hospital. Be a fuckin' hospice nurse and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Oh-
 '''Lars:''' I did that shit for nine months. Fuckin' made me a new man and shit. Watch a buncha old white people die? Sheeeeit. Ain't nothing feel better than that. All them old slave-owners and [[Wikipedia:Sharecropper|sharecroppers]] be droppin' like flies, and here Lars be. Lars McNulty. Sheeeit. That shit feel good, nigga.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, by the way-
 '''Lars:''' Watchin' white people die.
 '''Chris:''' It's like, you're asking me, you're- you're asking me, uh, why I be spending all my extra time playing video games instead of like, you know, goin' out, uh... to volunteer work or some- shi- or stuff like that.
 '''Lars:''' True dat, dog, true dat. You be feelin' me.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be feeling ya. Uh, but mostly, but mostly, uh, on the one point, it's like, I would not know where to look. And plus, you know, goin' out for a job, after all the, uh, after them trolls been weighing me down since November [[2007]], smearin' my name in the... [''Audio cuts out while Chris continues whining'']

===Fuck Tha Police (48:15 - 57:30)===
'''Lars:''' Sheeeeit. A'ight, a'ight, I feel ya. But, y'all know, dog, y'all know them background check and shit, just be for criminal shit. Now I know all about the criminality. I be a black man, I had a record since I was 8. Sheeit. Try'd to rob Starbucks with a [[Megatron pistol|fake gun]]. Nigga, y'all ever rob Starbucks, you best bring a real gun, nigga. Go whole hog on that shit. Ridin' that pagan justice into town and shit. Fuck. You spend any time in the joint, nigga?
 '''Chris:''' I ain't spent no time in no joint, man.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be lucky and shit, dog. No, no, y'all ain't be lucky and shit, y'all be white. That's what that shit is. A black man be like... turn 18, he go do two and a half in fuckin' C Block and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I-
 '''Lars:''' Taste a lotta maple syrup in that time. Anyway dog, I be- What I be sayin' to you and shit, that background check, they ain't gonna see no... No white niggas on the Internet makin' fun a your... Your [[Pokémon]] fanfiction and shit. Y'all feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeahhh, it- I feel you but-
 '''Lars:''' They ain't be holdin' that against you.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but they have a lot more than just the, making fun of the, uh... Pokémon fanfiction. They got a lot more than that, I mean they claim- I mean they claim me... They- They mis- The trolls, they be throwin' around those bad labels on me, like... a [[Pedofork|pedophile]].
 '''Lars:''' Nigga y'all be- Y'all be missin' my point though. Nigga, you ain't spend no time up in the joint. Your background check should be golden shit. Y'all ain't got no problems and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but th- Yeah. But also, th- I do have po- [[Chris and the law|I do have a police record on file, uh, for... Couple- For...]]
 '''Lars:''' Oh, word?
 '''Chris:''' Couple of offenses... Yeah, I had a couple of [[police]] records on file-
 '''Lars:''' You be fightin' The Man and shit? Sheeeeeit, tell me all about it, dog, what you be doin'?
 '''Chris:''' Uh...
 '''Lars:''' You be takin' down po-po? Fuckin' 5-0 and shit? What you got? I'll swap stories with you, and shit. You go first, though.
 '''Chris:''' It be essentially, uh, just... Havin' a bad time and disagreements and what-not. With th- With this, uh- With [[Michael Snyder|this... dude]], down over at The GAMe- Over at [[The GAMe PLACe|The GAMe and HOBBY PLACe]]. He just be havin' his own gripe against me, and lookin' for a way- Lookin' for an excuse to ban me from his store, and then, and then... Then he did, so he banned me from the store, he... But he never wanted me to come back, and then I come back like about a year later askin' him- askin' if I can come back and he don't let me come back and... So I leave and then I come back next year and then, uh... Same thing again except worse, he act- he actually gives me- actually puts um... Officially on police record! Don't want- He don't want me... Trespassing on th- He don't want me, y'know, um, being anywhere near that place.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog, I feel that.
 '''Chris:''' He just- He just be all, afraid of me and shit like that. And plus also, I have like, uh, I've had like, uh, past- Past accusations of quote-unquote "soliciting", when I was out in my early days of my [[Sweetheart Search]] lookin' for- Lookin' for a woman of my own, be usin' a [[sign]], like you know, I be like... "Current age year-old man, seek- lookin' for an 18-to-current-age-year-old woman! Be my sweetheart and junk!" And they be- They misinterpret that, they be thinkin' I be lookin' just for the- Just for the [[Sex|booty call]]! But no, I ain't lookin' just for the booty call, I'm lookin' for the long run, the emotional attachments and everythaaang! They just misinterp- They just misunderstand me, and they handcuff me and everythang, they came- They handcuff me a couple a times, they drag me around, and [[Get-Tar Region|they even dogpile on me one time]], rub my head on the carpet, I be bleedin' out- I been bleedin' out left side of my forehead that day! Put me in the dang- Put me in the dang cop car and I get offended by the ambulaaaance, where they see that blood stain... Blood-soaked stain! Heaaaad wouuund, from that carpet burn on the left side of my forehead there!
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, nigga, a'ight, nigga. You get down wit' y'all bad self. Sheeeeit. Badass, you be stickin' it to 5-0 and shit! Tresspassin' and shit. I see, I feel ya, I smell ya, dog. Y'all be tresspassin', be shootin' it off to them white niggas. Shiiit. So y'all be tresspassin' on the here nigga's property to be stickin' it to that man and shit. That be what I feelin'? That be what you doin', dig?
 '''Chris:''' [''pause''] Yeeeeeah.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, so you-
 '''Chris:''' You be feelin' me, dog.
 '''Lars:''' So you all go tresspassin' and shit, you know you ain't welcome and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be like, "Fuck dat shit, I own that store! I'm a go stick that place up and shit! I'm a fuckin' bust a cap in his ass!" Y'all be like, "I ain't gives no fuck about right and wrong and shit!" Nigga in the city, dog. Niggas wonder why.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be poppin- Yeah I be poppin' a- I'd be poppin' a cap in that- In that old- In that old [[Michael Snyder]] ass, I tell you what. It's like, if and I had me, if I had me a real life gun but I don't have a real life gun, though like you know, all I got is my, uh... All I got is my [[Slow-in-the-minds|slow-mind]] wit, and uh, not mu- Not much else going on there. So it's like I don't really have much of an offense, as much as a defense, dog. And I, but-
 '''Lars:''' Lemme ax you-
 '''Chris:''' The only option there is just to split.
 '''Lars:''' Let me ax you, dog-
 '''Chris:''' 'Til another thing, until I can actually go on the offense.
 '''Lars:''' Let me ax you, dog. So you gonna take some nigga, and you gonna say like, "Bitch, this nigga be goin' down and shit." And you pick this, you pick this nigga, this nigga at this... This game store and shit. Why you pick this nigga to pick a fight with and shit?
 '''Chris:''' He- He- He picked-
 '''Lars:''' What about this nigga?
 '''Chris:''' He picked a fight with me first, he just had his own griefs, he just had his own griefs, his own gripes and scares against me. He be thinkin' I be like... He be thinkin' like y'know, I know... He be havin' his own weird accusations against me, probably thinkin' that I w- He probably... Damn troll [[Niggos|niggers]] who... Who damn throw the label of pedophile on me and damn ol' buncha shit offa him. He be throwin' all them labels on me and just lookin' for a damn excuse to kick me out of that store and ban me forever and the he- And then... And then he did find a damn excuse and it damn happened and they called tresspassin' and everthiiing.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all, y'all be goin' on property when you know you ain't- It be someone elses property and shit, and you be like, "Fuck that, I ain't give a shit about right and wrong! I ain't give a shit about what someone else wants! I ain't give a shit about no other nigga's property, and personal reliability, and safe-ety.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah besides which-
 '''Lars:''' And personal responsibility.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah besides which that- That ain't really his store, he's just rentin' on- He's just rentin' on that location! They just been rentin' there for a long time! It ain't really his-
 '''Lars:''' So he be payin' his rent and shit. So it be his store and shit, then. You be all like, "Fuck dat shit, I ain't give a shit 'bout no other nigga's property. I'm a take what I want and fuck all y'all niggas." Shit, dog, I be feelin' that. That be my gangsta life, in my teenage years, back when I be eight and shit. I be all like goin' up in the stores, and be like "What, nigga? What, you gonna kick me out cuz I stealin' shit? Cuz I be yellin' at people? Cuz I be screamin' my head off? Sheeeit. Fuck that shit, nigga! I do what I want!" Be some [[Wikipedia:Maury Povich|Maury Povich]] up in here and shit. I feel ya, dog. You ain't gives no fucks.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeeeah.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah. Fuck that shit! Ain't give no shit if that be his store and what-not.
 '''Chris:''' Yeeeah.
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, so you say you have a weakness with the offense, but you be good with the defense and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' So let me ax you, some nigga come up in yo house and shit, and be all like, "Dude I wanna come up in here and shit." And y'all be like, "Shit, nigga. This be my house and shit, y'all ain't comin' up in here without no invitation and shit." And he be like, "''Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit'', nigga! I do what I want, I'm a call up on y'all house!" What ya'll gonna do? Some nigga come up in yo business.
 '''Chris:''' I ain't got no gun, I'll beat his ass, I'm pretty str- I'm very strong. I'd give him an ol' ''CLOP! CLOP! HIYA!''
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeit, dog, I feel that.
 '''Chris:''' If that be the case... But I'd make sure that I be cool, dog, y'know, I'd make sure I started that, like y'know, he'd throw the first punch, and if he throw the first punch and I- Then I de-fennnnd, and I throw- And then I throw- Then I would punch back in defense!
 '''Lars:''' Then y'all be throwin' a trespassin' notice and shit on him. Ain't that the truth, nigga. Ain't y'all be, y'all be saltin' the wounds and shit. Puttin' a criminality record upon this nigga. Ain't that what y'all gon' do, dog. Sheeeit. Now I ain't never filed no trespassin' notice on any nigga what started shit with me. See I be a black man and shit, so the police, if you ever call the police when you a black man? They come and shoot your ass. They ain't givin' no fucks. You be white and shit. You can use the system against the system and shit. Y'all see what I mean and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Yeeeah. I hear ya.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah. Say yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Whole buncha damn- Whole buncha the damn racism that they been got goin' on, but I ain't like that. I be respec- I have respect for my black man. And I have respect for you, man, 'cause we cool.

===One Big Gray Nigga (57:30 - 1:04:30) ===
'''Lars:''' Y'all be feelin' me, y'all my nigga and shit, dog. Sheeeeit. Nigga be Prime Time up in here, dog. Shit. Fuck. Damn!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, and in fact I enjoy- I the, uh, comedies- I enjoy the TV shows I get from the... From the black man, including [[Wikipedia:The Jeffersons|''The Jeffersons'']], and... [[Wikipedia:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]], and... [[Wikipedia:Sanford and Son|''Sanford and Son'']], all a' them. All them-
 '''Lars:''' ''Sanford and Son''???! Bitch, I know you ain't bring up ''Sanford and Son'', fuckin' sharecropper shit. Goddamn [[Wikipedia:Uncle Tom|Uncle Tom]] and shit. Sheeeit. Traitor to his race and shit, dog. All that spoon jockey [''?''] shit, [[Song for Jackie.MOV|blackface]]... [[Wikipedia:Bamboozled|''Bamboozled'']] and shit.
 '''Chris:''' I-
 '''Lars:''' All I see is sleepin' (?), that's what all that shit be. Fuck that shit, stereotypin' a nigga in a bad light and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Well, man I-
 '''Lars:''' Us niggas, we already got our trouble with the bad light and shit, 'cause we be all dark and shit. Ain't no light what can shine a good light on our dark skin and shit. Then you got the TV shows. Then you got the [[Wikipedia:HBO|H-B-O]] and shit. Fuckin' shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah well man, I don't mean, I- Yeah I don't mean to jump no jive, man, I just be givin' a few examples of some of the shows I see. But I watch- I watch other shows too, where they- where they make GOOD examples of the- Of the black man and the black woman.
 '''Lars:''' Four hundred years, dog.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Four hundred years of opression.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I-
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, know what I'm doin'? I'm holdin' up my fist in solidarity. Yo, nigga, hold up you fist for me.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' You holdin' up yo fist, dog? Hope y'all ain't smilin' and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I'm holdin' up my fist, man.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all ain't be smilin' and shit, right?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Niggas, we can't be smilin'. That takes away... the gravitas of what we can do. See-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be holdin'- I be holdin' up my f- I be holdin' up my fist in respect, dog. I-
 '''Lars:''' Yo, dog. Yo, dog, I feel you.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I hold it in respect.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight.
 '''Chris:''' We cool.
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, where all this shit come from? We be bulin' our- our ''velocity'' toward ''ferocity'' and toward ''audacity'' of hope and change and chope and shit. Fuckin' Big Bama's House up in here. A black nigga and a white nigga be mixin' and matchin', make ourselves one big gray nigga and shit. See what I doin', dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Fuckin' bridgin' the gaps of... Of ''inequality'', and ine- ''inequity'', and... ''ine-quali-equity'', and shit. Damn.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, dog, this shit be all about Jackie and shit, though, dog. Jackie be all like, glarin' daggers at me and shit. I be like, "Bitch, only daggers I wanna see from you are those two daggers on yo' chest and shit, now take off your top while you be makin' me my steak dinner!" Bitch be all like, "Sheeeit, I burned myself last time I do that, nigga. Y'all want burn scars on this body?" I be like "Hell no, dog, you already got that [[Wikipedia:Caesarean section|C-section]] scar from where I aborted that baby!" Sheeeit, bitch all scarred up and used up already. So let's get back to Jackie and shit. Now, Jackie ain't be happy wit' y'all and shit. And Jackie ain't sure if she be happy wit' me and shit. So we gots to figure out, and numerate, and enunciate exactly why the ''posivericating'' is happenin' with this shit. Why the bitch be mad at you, and why the bitch be mad at me? We figure this out, dog, we figure this out, nigga. Brovaries before ovaries, dawg, you feelin'?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I feel ya.
 '''Lars:''' So, bitch be all, like, you be lyin' to her and shit. And I feel that. I feel why she pissed about that shit. And as a advice, and... cautionary to you: Y'all ain't be lyin' to no bitch. Y'all can smack a bitch, y'all can punt a bitch, y'all be like "Bitch, I ain't doin' that shit" all up in her face and shit, but y'all ain't be lyin' to a bitch. 'Cause then the shit roll downhill. Shit be like a Hydra and shit, you cut one head off that bitch, two head grow back, you be lyin' to her. They catch you on that shit, they always do, nigga. Indeed! Sheeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' So, bitch be mad cuz you be lyin' to her. And bitch be mad cuz you ain't gettin' rid a that addiction and shit, y'all feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I feel ya, I tell you what, I- I'll make it right, I will make this right with Jackie, I tell you what, you tell her this from me too and I- and I'll promise it to you too, man, cuz we cool. I'll draw a parade for [[Alec]], and I'll make it like, you know, he was found innocent, like she wanted. I'll fix the pages and do it right for her.
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeit.
 '''Chris:''' I'll take care of that like, you know, within- within the next few days, and vid- and it'll be up, all colored and everything, be uploaded.
 '''Lars:''' Well shit, dog.
 '''Chris:''' I'll take care of that for her.
 '''Lars:''' Well shit, dog, shit, see now in the interest of camaraderie, and... niggaraderie, and all that shit. In the interest of all that shit, this gray nigga we be buildin', I gots to be honest wit' you.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Also, in the interest of not bein' hypocrital, and hippocratical, I ain't takin' no [[Wikipedia:Hippocratic Oath|Hippiocratical Oath]] and shit. Because I be tellin' you not to be lyin' to no bitches, so I ain't can't be lyin' to you and shit. Y'all fell me, dog? I gots to be honest wit' you.
 '''Chris:''' I feel you. Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, so, in the interest of honesty and total veracity, I must tell you that I am not a neutral party and shit. See, I burned my boats and shit 'cause I want Jackie back, dog. See? Bitch be all like, all up slobberin' on my dick and balls now, shit. Damn! See, I ain't be finna' gettin' ridda' my bitch, and shit. She be all like, ridin' my dick. She be all like, givin' me the oral play and shit. Fuckin' tongue action, finger play, y'all know that shit, sheeeeit. And the bitch be makin' me my steak dinner, 'cause I burned them boats. So, I ain't finna' be gettin' ridda' this bitch. I got a good bitch goin' here, y'all feel me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I feel you.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all might wanna try winnin' Jackie back. I wish y'all best luck in the world. Cuz see, a'ight, honestly, veracitously, I gots to admit to you, I do think, yo, we are bros, but we still be competin', you dig?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' And I do feel like I have the advantage on you. Cuz my dick be all ''four inches'' a straight goodness and shit. Fuckin' straight as a ramrod and shit! That's what call me in high school when I be ramroddin' bitches, they call me "Ramrod". Better than "nigger". Better than "[[Wikipedia:Jim (Huckleberry Finn)|Nigger Jim]]," that's what that shit they be callin' me, I be like "My name ain't Jim! Call me "Nigga Lars" and shit!" "Nigga Lars"? That shit fine. "Nigga McNulty"? That shit be fine too, but they call me "Nigger Jim"! Who da fuck this "Nigga Jim" be? I ain't know... sheeeit.
 '''Chris:''' That's- I tell ya, that's cool man, I praise you for being able to bang all them hos back in the high school days, I tell you what, I was [[naïve]] on the [[dating]] subject back in high school, I didn't even think about it, I mean I shoulda ask w- I shoulda asked a woman, I shoulda banged my own share of hos back in the day, but I didn't dawwwg, I just did not think of it! I was really slow, and I ev- and I even had a girl- I even had a girl crush back then. But then she done left me, she was out da- she was out dating with somebody else behind my back, I didn't even know about it. But she and I, we were tight!

===The Trail of Tears (1:04:30 - 107:50) ===
'''Lars:''' Shee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiit, dog! So what y'all gonna do to win Jackie heart back and shit? Y'all gonna burn that PS Triple and shit. See, see I'ma feelin' that, because that seem like, like the equalizer, and the numerizer and shit, that you all be pullin' to one-up my burnin' my boats and shit. See I be burnin' my addiction, y'all gots to burn your addiction too. Y'all ain't gots to do it literally. I know white people be afraid of fire and shit, I know white people fear fire. See us black folk, we like fire, 'cause we all be like livin' tribal in the Unga Bungas, in Africa and shit. We be usin' fire to keep tigers away and shit! Tigers, man, damn. Tigers be racists and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Well I feel you, man. I'm part [[Cherokee]].
 '''Lars:''' So, y'all got- Oh, dog, y'all part Cherokee? Y'all be part a them-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Them red niggas and shit? Sheeeit, I feel that, dog, I ain't know that about you. Sheeeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Wikipedia:Trail of Tears|Trail of Tears]] is in my history.
 '''Lars:''' [''talking over Chris''] What [[Wikipedia:Native American gaming|casino]] you from?
 '''Chris:''' Uh... I'm sorry, I didn't understand that.
 '''Lars:''' Shit, all them Red Niggas, they be up in them casinos and shit. Ain't that right, dog? What casino you from? From that casino tribe-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah sound like a-
 '''Lars:''' From the Blackjack tribe? Whitejack tribe? The... Poker tribe? The Hold 'Em tribe? You from them-
 '''Chris:''' That just-
 '''Lars:''' Ain't got no tribes, y'all feelin' what I'm gettin' at.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I fe- Yeah I feel you, man, that's a- That's just a dang old stereotype, I'm not like one- I am not a Casino Ownah. I ain't no rich man. I mean, I di- I mean-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be unemployed and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, that-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all ain't be no Casino Nigga and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I ain't no Casi- I- I ain't no Casino Nigga. I mean, we be-
 '''Lars:''' See-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, my background, we be of the real- We be of the real Cherokee. From the Trail of Tears and all that. That's from my history.
 '''Lars:''' See dog, this be a perfect example of the injustice and inservitude and ingratuity of American history and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yep.
 '''Lars:''' See, the red niggas, they be all like, the casino niggas and shit. And then, you come along, and you ain't be... You ain't be havin' no job in no casino, you ain't be havin' no job and shit. You all just be, sittin' on your couch and shit, jobless. And that totally defies the stereotype of the common red nigga, see? So them sterotypes, they be bullshit, 'cause everyone knows your red niggas, they all be hard-workin' and [[Alcohol|sober]] and shit. Ain't no stereotypes say otherwise. I hear there is, I'll eat my hat I tell you what. Sheeeeit. Fuck. Anyway, dog, where we at- I be waxin philosophimorical again. Sheeit. We be talkin 'bout- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, dog, it comin' back to me. What y'all gonna be doin' to win Jackie, y'all gonna be ''metaphorically'' burnin' your PS Triple and shit. That be right, dog? Is that what y'all gonna do? I be wishin you luck, dog, I be wishin' you luck. I be wishin' you luck and shit, man. Y'know, I'll be ramroddin' Jackie every night and every day, but I respect you, like my nigga. You're my bro and shit. And I want you to get what you deserve and shit. You feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I feel ya.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all gonna be gettin' rid a that PS Triple and shit. [''long pause'']

===A Tale of Two PS Triples (1:07:50 - 1:17:45)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah [[Slow-in-the-minds|my mind be slow]]] and I be uncertain of... everything here. And I definitely... I definitely feel ya and I'm not gonna say that I'm better than you, I'm not gonna say no- I'm not gonna say that. I mean you be- I mean you are- You be a big man, you burned all your boats, dog. I tell you what. But I mean- I spend my mo- I spend my money, I ain't gonna get that much back. I ain't gonna- I ain't gonna just kill it all by burning the dang PS3 because I already di- I pretty much essentially did that. By, uh... Like, [[The MovingFoward videos|pretty much dismantling the previous one I had]], [[ItIsFinished.MOV|and then just running it over]] with [[Son-Chu|my car]], there be videos on the [[YouTube]] about that.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, dog, I saw that shit, you just- You destructicated your PS Triple, and then you get a new one back like a day later and shit. Why y'all go get a new PS Triple and shit, dog? Why destroy it in the first place?
 '''Chris:''' I tried to destroy it, dog, because... Them tr- Because, them trolls, and Jackie knew about it as well, they be offering NINE THOUSAND dollars for footage of the destruction of that PS Triple. And my- And Jackie thought like, you know, I give them th- I give them the footage and the real deal- I give them the real deal footage and what-not, they give- They, the trolls, they- THE troll, he be givin' me back the- He be givin' me that money, I be buyin' me a new PS Triple, she be cool with that, but then it don't happen, he- He fall back on his word, he don't do it, even though there were plans of meetings and what-not, it didn't happen, there was no money! I was-
 '''Lars:''' Where y'all get that money then? If there be no money, where y'all get that new PS Triple and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that be from my-
 '''Lars:''' I know all white folks be rich and shit, like at least moderately so and shit, but shiiit, you got that kinda cash around, you got that 'fetti? Where you get the money to buy that second PS Triple? That be like yo' Double PS Triple. Or yo' PS Double-Triple, if you will. Sheeeit. PS Triple-Double and shit. Where y'all get the money for that?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, that be where I sold the, uh, past- The older game consoles that I've hoarded over the years.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all go and destroy yo' PS Triple... Then like a day later y'all go and sell like every other game you got... So you can buy back... A PS Triple? [''pause''] Shit ain't gangsta, dog, why you be doin' that?
 '''Chris:''' It does a lot more than games, dog! Does movies, does music, does pictures! Does the Internet! I mean pretty much at this time, the only way that I'd be able to access my e-mail, and send and receive, from Jackie and everybody el- From everybody.
 '''Lars:''' Why ain't y'all buy a new computer?
 '''Chris:''' Because damn computer expensive. I mean if I had known that was gonna happen I-
 '''Lars:''' PS Triple be expensive, dog!
 '''Chris:''' If I had known that was gonna have happened... I mean it happened at months- It happened- Just happened a month before- A whole month before my computer decided to go and do what it did to me, and become practically unusable and considerably deaaaaad.
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, ain't y'all computer be all broken and shit for a long time, though? Ain't you know you need a replacement and shit?
 '''Chris:''' No, because-
 '''Lars:''' Jackie be tellin' me that she heard some... Some call where you talked to that Alec Benson Nigga guy. I don't know this guy. You talked to him, and he be askin' you why you ain't do somethin' with your computer. I ain't know what. Why you ain't interneting or somethin'. Us black folk, we ain't know this Internet. He ask you that, why you ain't doin' this, and you said your computer be busted and shit. You tell him the same thing you tell Jackie like a year later. Why you ain't replace the computer in all that time, though? Y'all know the computer be busted, but y'all go and buy a PS Triple.
 '''Chris:''' Because the computer was working for me. It wasn't as busted as it was- As it had become a month later.
 '''Lars:''' But y'all didn't think ahead and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all knew the computer was on its last legs and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, my- Yeah, my bad, I did not think ahead. I thought things'd be cool, but then it turned out they weren't. It... Damn whole buncha twist of fate and everything. Be all up my ass.
 '''Lars:''' Nigga, nigga, nigga, let me give you a metaphorical illusion, if I will, if I may, if you will.
 '''Chris:''' It's cool.
 '''Lars:''' Now, picture your computer like... Like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga and shit. A'ight, now your computer be like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga. You know what kinda life expectancy a twenty-nine-year-old have on the streets? Zero point zero-zero-zero-four percent, to the power of twelve, to the oneth power. That shit be low and shit. So your computer, in a metaphorical sense, be like a nigga who be facin' his be three-oh and shit. And that nigga gonna get capped and shit, dog! Sheeeeeit. Ain't gonna be no fake gun bringin' up in the Starbucks next time. Nigga gonna get capped. Streets be a lottery and shit, dog. So that computer, y'all know that computer be like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga. See, that computer be functionating and pre-vericating and shit. Just like that twenty-nine-year-old nigga be, in the prime of his life with them ripplin' muscles and shit. But a cap gonna come outta mid air, and shot yo' fuckin' computer in the back of the head when he in line at the [[Wikipedia:Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits|Popeye's Chicken]]. And that be all she wrote, nigga. That be all she wrote. Ain't no [[Wikipedia:Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman|Dr. Quinn]] gonna save this nigga up in here, I tell ya what. Sheeeeeit. So that computer be on its last life, and y'all, y'all know that even though it fuctionin' fine today, that computer get a cap in its ass tomorrow. God gonna fire a cap in that computer's ass. And y'all be knowin' that, but y'all ain't replacin' that, but then y'all PS Triple die, because you killed it. You be murderin' that PS Triple, you be murderin' it in cold blood, like, like it be a nigga what wronged you, what didn't pay you your drug money and shit. So you kill that PS Triple, and then you all go and buy a new PS Triple the next day. But you got your computer here, which need to be replaced, your computer which you use to talk to Jackie. But you can't talk to Jackie no more. You just play your games. Y'all be feelin' me, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be feelin' ya.
 '''Lars:''' So you see, dog, see Jackie be mad because y'all- Y'all be takin' playin' vidya games over talkin' to a real life woman. Sheeeit. I feel her pain and shit. I feel her commissary and commissaratin' and shit. Ain't no PS Triple what got no poontang, I tell ya what. Sheeeeeeeit. Damn! So why y'all... Why y'all pick a PS Triple, over my Jackie Triple? Why y'all be doin' that?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Well... ''(Pause for stress)'' Now look, okay dog, I can- Uh... I will still be able to talk to Jacke through the email with the PS Triple, anyway... With the- AIM, uh... Anyway, I- Anyway, I be gettin' a new computer soon enough, and I be back to- I'll be able to talk to Jackie through AIM if, y'know, she'd be willing to.
 '''Lars:''' But lemme ax you, dog. Now, your PS Triple be gone, and "soon enough" means, like, a day. But, your computer, you means of communication with Jackie and shit, that be gone, but "soon enough", that amount to like months and shit. That be like the whole trimester of a pregnancy what pass by and shit. Shit, I ain't even let this much time pass by before I evacuated that fetus in her belly. Sheeeeeeeit. That be a bigger decision than any PS Triple, I tell you what.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Hmm...
 '''Lars:''' Why y'all go and replace the PS Triple, even though Jackie don't want you to have that addiction?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' It's an addiction that I will be able to... get over easily enough... when I actually have the woman nearby me. Why-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be-
 '''Chris:''' If I- Yeah, you know, I be havin' me- I'll be havin' the woman next to me, and I'd be treatin' her right, I'd be investing more time into her... Right next to me, instead of bein' over the Internet, because I ain't got no power over the Internet, really, Internet just don't work, I- I'm scared to go on the Internet, really, because of the damn trolls, it's real life and- It's real life or bust for me, dog.
 '''Lars:''' But... But dog, okay, dog, I be feelin' that. Them Internets, they be a scary place and shit, especially for a nigga. Sheeeeit. Ain't no fourth dimension and shit up on that Internet what no nigga like myself gonna walk up into, you feelin' me? Sheeit. Shit like a minefield and shit. Damn, dog. But Jackie, see, Jackie, she be all like, "Chris, I know you know I want you gettin' rid a that PS Triple and shit. Shit be like a black hole of addiction and shit, suckin' up your life." And see, what I don't get is why y'all ain't gettin' rid a that PS Triple, because that shit is no good for you. And you gettin' rid a that shit, even if Jackie ain't exist and shit, even if Jackie ain't up on my dick and shit, then you get rid of that PS Triple... You a born-again man. You a new man for gettin' rid a that shit. See, I burned my boats and shit before I even called Jackie, because I knew even if Jackie be all rejectin' me and shit, I'd be a new man for gettin' ridda my addiction. I be a strong man and shit. Show me your strength, nigga. Y'all be feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I feel you.
 '''Lars:''' Word, dawg. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.

===Downtism (1:17:45 - 1:23:05)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah... Uhh, alright listen, we be havin' a cool conversation, it's been good, um... Let me, uh, talk- Let me talk to Jackie for a little while.
 '''Lars:''' Let's see if that bitch be around. ''(Pretends to walk around)'' Yo bitch! Bitch, where you be at?! Now hold on, dog. Sheeeeit, where that bitch at? Hold on... Checkin' the kitchen and shit. Fuck, meatloaf only half-done and shit. Bitch can't even make a meatloaf and shit and steak and shit at the same time? Damn. Used up bitch, poontang and shit. What the- oh, the fuck that smell be? Aw, fuck- Bitch, I told you not to go to that [[Taco Bell]] and shit no more! Shit ain't gangsta! Sheeeit. ''(Back to Chris)'' Bitch be all like, makin' number two and shit right now, she ain't comin' out for a whiiile, let me tell ya that shit.
 '''Chris:''' Uh-ohhhh.
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeit, dawg.
 '''Chris:''' That be- I hear you.
 '''Lars:''' See now dog, y'all got to feel my pain and shit. See y'all just be hearin' about it, I gots to smell it and shit. Damn!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I hear ya- I get it, I- I can- I hear you, be all-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all know how strong the sense of smell on a nigga is? Y'all be a white nigga and shit, I be a black nigga. See us wide nostrils, we smell like five times what you smell and shit. See, my nostrils, that be like my PS Triple because it's triple the smell power of your... Your thin, white nostrils. Shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah well I hear you, dog, I know what- I know what crap smells like and how it comes out. ''(Clears throat)'' Excuse me.
 '''Lars:''' So why y'all ain't gonna get rid a that PS Triple for Jackie and shit? That be, that be my... confuzzlation and shit. ''(Pause)'' See, dog, y'all be like... Lemme put it how I see it, and then I'll wait for yo' responsification. See, all I see, is y'all be saying that y'all ain't gettin' rid a that PS Triple 'til Jackie be by your side and shit. See y'all be wantin' Jackie to be like, watchin' you, and to be like, houndin' you, and to ''substitutionalize'' for that PS Triple and shit. But y'all ain't wanna be gettin' rid a that shit just for yo' own damn self. ''(Pause)'' You feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I feel you.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog. Righteous. Righteous and shit. See Jackie, Jackie be feelin' all hurt and shit 'cause y'all ain't wanna improve yourself. Y'all know how fleetin' life is and shit, nigga? Life be fleetin' and shit, even for a white nigga. White nigga can expect to live past 30. Black man can't, but a white man can.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm. Yeah. ''(Pause)''
 '''Lars:''' So why y'all ain't improvin' yourself, dog? ''(Pause)''
 '''Chris:''' To be honest, I- I really- To be honest... I just don't know. ''(Pause)'' It's pretty much, you know, I had my- My mind is so slow, and... It be- I just be fear of change, and... It just hard- It's just hard for- It's just really hard for me and my... Mental- And my mental capacity to... To go through a whole bunch of change so quickly.
 '''Lars:''' Ah, I see, cuz a that [[Autism|Downtism]] and shit.
 '''Chris:''' No it-
 '''Lars:''' I feel you, dog, I feel you.
 '''Chris:''' Uh-
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' The- It- Not Down syndrome, ''autism''.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, yeah, the Downtism. That be what I- Yeah. Shit. Anyway, dog, so what y'all sayin' is, ya got ya vidya games, and Jackie, she be like a woman, with the poontang and shit, and a meatloaf and steak dinner, and y'all be afraid of that. Y'all stick wit' your video games, cuz that all ain't makes you afraid like a woman do.
 '''Chris:''' What- NO. I'm not- I am not afraid of a- I am not afraid of a woman.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be like, y'all ain't wanna give up PS Triple for a woman though. ''(Awkward pause)''
 '''Chris:''' ''(Chris grunts. It's safe to speculate that he has shit himself by this point.)''
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Sigh)'', lemme think. ''(Chris thinks for like 30 seconds)''
 '''Lars:''' Nigga you gruntin' or some shit. Shit, dog, y'all be at Taco Bell and shit too, like my Jackie?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Umm... No, I- I did not go to Taco Bell today.
 '''Lars:''' Shit, what you eat, dog?
 '''Chris:''' I had- I had me a- I had me a [[McDonald's|fish fillet]] tonight.
 '''Lars:''' Shit... ain't no nigga be eatin' no fish. Y'all know us niggas be afraid of water and shit. Why y'all be gruntin', dog? Shit not be settlin' in your stomach and shit?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Hm. ''(Long pause)'' I'unno.

===Remember Kenan & Kel? That was a fun show. (1:23:05 - 1:28:08)===
'''Lars:''' So dog, a'ight, a'ight, let's get back, let's get back. Why y'all... Y'all say you ain't afraid of no woman, and y'all want a woman, but... But yo' actions, and even what you just say to me now, show that you want a vidya game more than a woman. I GUESS I feel that shit, y'know what- I lost my virginity at the age of ten and a half. And ever since then I be all up in the poon tang. I be like a poon hound and shit. See I ain't play no vidya games since like, Atari, and shit. Shit be old school.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' Back then everything black and white, not just race politics, see? Y'feelin'?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I feel you.
 '''Lars:''' So you know, dog, my first time be scary and shit, I only make that bitch cum like two and a half times. See I be all performance anxiety and shit, but I got through it. Y'all gots to be a MAN and shit. Man up. Y'all gots- Y'all be a man? Or y'all be a boy. What y'all be? ''(Pause while Chris decides)''
 '''Chris:''' I be a man.
 '''Lars:''' See dog, see what I'm feelin', and rightfully, righteously, ''rightatiously'' I should not be tellin' you this, because this hurts my chances and shit. But I will tell you in the interest of bros before hos, that if you got rid of that PS Triple, you got rid of it and you never buy another one, Jackie'd probably kick my black ass out the door and shit. You get rid a that PS Triple, I be out on the street, and Jackie be on your doorstep first thing tomorrow morning and shit. That's all the bitch talk about when she talk about you, is the PS Triple. "PS Triple this, PS Triple that." Well sometimes she talked about the lies and shit too, but mostly the PS Triple.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah... I hear ya, it's- It's a lot. Alright, well- Listen, it's a bit late, and uh... I wanna be gettin' me a good night's- I wanna be gettin' me a good night's sleep. Cuz, you know, gonna be another day tomorrow.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog, a'ight, I feel you. Yo, yo, dog, yo dog. You know what I'm doin' right now? Now what I'm doin'?
 '''Chris:''' What?
 '''Lars:''' Holdin' up my fist, dog. Solidarity! Peace, dog.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Alright.
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeit. So y'all got your vidya games, Jackie- She be all up in that toilet, like another hour or two, shit... I'll tell her to wipe her ass and them come jump on my dick and shit. I'll be like all up in that poontang. Yo, I'll write you an email and shit, tell you all about that poon tang. And you write me an email tellin' me about y'all video games, that way we can exchange and learn from each other's culture, see 'cause I- I be like with a woman and shit, and I can tell you what that be like. And you be playin' vidya games, which I ain't familiar with, and then tell me what it be like to just be playin' video games in your room all day.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause, not getting it)'' Hm.
 '''Lars:''' See, we each have our diferent priorities. See, you want your video games and I want Jackie. I wanna be with Jackie. See dog- Dawg, dawg, dawg, now... I'll let you go soon, I'll let you go soon, cuz I know you tired and shit. I know white people like to go to bed before midnight. But let me ax you something, one more question real quick. I be your nigga and shit, you be my nigga. Y'all be honest and straightforward with me. Now-
 '''Chris:''' I be honest and straightforward.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, now y'all be sayin' to Jackie that you want Jackie and shit. Y'all be sayin' to everyone out there that you want Jackie.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' More than anything. But the situation-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I want Jackie more than anything.
 '''Lars:''' The situation be like, you ain't givin' up no vidya games for her. Y'all just want your vidya game. So you can tell me, bro. Tell me, my nigga... Y'all really want Jackie or not? Or do y'all want your vidya games more than you actually want Jackie, if you want Jackie? You can be honest with me now-
 '''Chris:''' I want Jackie- I want Jackie and I want to be able to keep my video games.
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeeit, dog, that ain't always an option. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Or as we say in nigga culture, "Can't have your [[Wikipedia:Grape soda|grape soda]] and drink it too." Cuz see, black people don't eat cake. It's that devil food, it-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I like- I like [[Wikipedia:Orange soft drink|orange soda]].
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah, orange soda. That be what white people drink.
 '''Chris:''' You remember [[Wikipedia:Kenan & Kel|''Kenan & Kel'']]? That was a funny sh- That was a fun show.
 '''Lars:''' Who the fuck Kenan & Kel? That the nigga that owe me money? You tell that fuckin' nigga to give me my fifteen dolla'! You see that nigga? Sheeeit, fake nigga if ever there was one. Damn.
 '''Chris:''' No, I- I'm talking about the show that was on [[Wikipedia:Nickelodeon (TV channel)|Nickelodeon]].
 '''Lars:''' Nickel-lo... What the fuck do that be? That be one of them [[Wikipedia:Nickelodeon (movie theater)|nickel and dime theaters]] from the [[1920s]] and shit? Fuckin' [[Wikipedia:Flapper|flappers]] and shit, [[Homos|women with short hair]]? Sheeeeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' Yea- Alright, well I'll let you- Alright, well I'll let you go, it's been- It's been cool hangin' with ya. You my nigga- ''(Lars talks over Chris)''
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog, I'll talk to you soon. I'll talk to you soon, I'ma go fuck Jackie now. I'll talk to you soon, dog, we'll be in touch and shit. Nice meetin' you and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Okay. Yeah, alright.
 '''Lars:''' Goodnight, dawg.
 '''Chris:''' Goodnight.

==External links==
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFNyMfrTc_M&feature=related Listen On Youtube]
* [http://www.mediafire.com/?mzqbcbh007abn88 Download]
* [http://goo.gl/DbVDg Non-mediafire mirror]

[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Jackie Saga]]

Father Call

2011-12-04T06:17:13Z

TheJerk:

[[Image:Matthew_Devoria.jpg|thumb|Artist's interpretation of Matthew Devoria.]]

On the fourth of [[November 2009|November, 2009]], [[Chris|Solid Chris]] spent a little over two hours on the phone one night with '''Matthew Devoria''' (born [[1957]]), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]]. Matthew is a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]].

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest content|honesty]], before going on to [[lie]] his ass off about any topic you care to mention.

Their conversation is illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matthew berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], inability to grow up, [[chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[Obesity|rotund figure]], and general failure at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial chores]], mowing the lawn, which he uses a [[CWC Fighter|riding lawn mower]] to do, and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homo|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being confronted with the truth that he uses the [[trolls]] and his [[autism]] as a crutch, [[stress]] overcame him and Chris became increasingly more [[chris and anger|upset]]. In general, Chris's attitude and immaturity greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which ended equally poorly.

==Summary==
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious sounding claims about his weight-lifting prowess. Kacey doesn't bother to question Chris on these claims, and instead hand the phone over to her father, Matthew.
* Matthew is fairly civil toward Chris to begin with, though it's immediately obvious that Matthew doesn't have much respect for him. Matthew begins by calling out Chris on his underwhelming employment record, and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a Pokemon gym master seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding [[monthly tugboat]]. Matthew asks if any hypothetical children of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic (or "'tard babies" to use Matthew's phrasing), and while Chris denies that they would be, Matthew checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris [[lie]]s during the call, and while Matthew goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous when Chris does it again.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named Crystal. Not only does Matthew consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be blasphemous, he doesn't even like Crystal as a name and thinks it's more appropriate for a stripper.
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey for her looks, Chris is questioned on why [[Liquid Chris]] (who Matthew will sing the praises of many times during the call) was impersonating him. Solid Chris's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with Sonichu. Needless to say, Matthew is not impressed by this at all.
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matthew brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers|Chris's little 9/11 video]], and says that he found it especially offensive, since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center that day. Chris's only response is to say the video was really [[Clyde Cash]]'s fault, because he was being mean to Chris.
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matthew tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like," but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, including having to pull up weeds, mow the lawn, move furniture, and bury his beloved [[Patti Chandler|dog]]. Matthew is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother.
* Chris doesn't let the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working discourage him, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pity whining severely annoy Matthew, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing his road trip to Ohio in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he won't come to D.C. to meet Kacey.
* Matthew accuses Chris of acting like a child, and mentions his tour of [[14 Branchland Court]] as proof that Chris is lazy and unwilling to take responsibility. Chris just tries to blame [[Barb]] for not helping him, causing Matthew to sarcastically comment on his lack of maturity, only for Chris to miss the sarcasm and think Matthew is actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, Chris tries to compare the effort of tidying his house with the effort Matthew spent carrying his dead colleague back to base. Matthew is ''furious'' at this comparison, and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matthew to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''... and then starts describing the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a vaguely correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story.
* Matthew says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat, and Chris ''completely'' misses the point and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Needless to say, Matthew calls him out on this obviously false claim, and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey and a child on his monthly tugboat and a minimum wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matthew points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matthew off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle, and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be eighty-four per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by this, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American born and bred. Matthew points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, true patriots don't make videos mocking 9/11.
* Matthew decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11. Matthew tells Chris that he must be [[naive]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of the word "naive" and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his Elementary School principal and teachers. This is probably an attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matthew brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriately "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads into Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" to be a cast-iron rule, rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly attempts to end the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit; Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up, big time.

==Transcript==
===Matthew makes the scene===
[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris, it's Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house cause, um, they wanted to call 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter...

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did 51 reps with, uh, fifty-pound weights...not really weights, but...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times each arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hm. Well, was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like... 100 or more pounds for my job but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Uh, okay, what's his name? ...Okay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Matthew? Okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' All right.

'''Kacey:''' All right well just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

[''Pause'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, s- good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good, good... So, uh... So, I've got a couple of questions for you... Well, more than a couple.

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an an- with an [[honest content|honest]] answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, well uh, first and foremost, let's see... You got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling out applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kind of places? What kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, w- yeah, I'm looking a- I'm applying for, like, uh- retail stores and such, I've got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at [[Wal-Mart]], and had one over at [[Target]]... I have worked before, I've worked at [[Wendy's]] in Ruckersville for a few months... First off, I worked off as a sales representative for [[Cutco]] cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's minimum wage stuff... Did you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at...''Target''... I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean...surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? ...How old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27...sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''thirty'' and you're working at, uh...''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hm...yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh...degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know... but I mean, if I- if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get...in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Uh... I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for three years and you have done nothing with it... Hm, you haven't had any jobs between then?

===Pokémon volunteer and Chris's home===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had- I did- I have done volunteer work... Uh...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' All right, yeah, well, I have the- I helped the children over at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Citizens' Gym League]] for the [[Pokémon]] Trading [[Card games|Card Game]] league a few years back...

'''Matthew:''' ''Pokémon''? Wait, wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, build decks from what scraps they had, make sure they kept in order, don't get too crazy...

'''Matthew:''' And...how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' That was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' And- um- that's still going strong. Maybe I-

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...And I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. So about ten years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for ten years.

'''Chris:''' ...Yeah, but also, like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting... but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? And, I mean, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people, planting trees, that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have- I have been- I have helped people out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure children were playing and were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' And...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore?

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, I was kinda like, uh, you know, uh, not so good at showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on. But anyway, aside from that, I...I've been searching and, uh, doing yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right... Well, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pok-e-man'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with my [[mother]] and my [[father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for a while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20... I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though... I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my- of the house.

'''Matthew:''' ...With her help?

'''Chris:''' ...And get a place of my own...

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know...um... Some details I'm not understand... I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know...uh...I...it's like a...whole bunch of details...you know...yeah.

'''Matthew:''' EXPLAIN, PLEASE. I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know...I keep between myself...

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, if you can't s-s- If you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the 'Tard-baby===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh...

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um...

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar... I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go... What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see... If you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Texas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic dreams and Bob Chandler===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]...

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But...you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's boobs and Internet fame===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' ''[laughs]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend Kim, she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together... making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah...

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you... don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about... I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish... yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls... and, uh... and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh...

'''Matthew:''' This... okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just... this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===Twin Falling Towers and getting fired===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... okay... you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam... that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But... and then what- and then YOU, you made this... Son-ni-chu thing. I mean... it’s like... ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing... that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um... you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah... 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean... that kinda hits... that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have... I put that...

'''Matthew:'''You’re lucky I don’t... you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my... I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother... y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um... I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and...

'''Matthew:''' You made a video...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had...

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some... GUY... on the Internet... that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm... yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to... you know... y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name... And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off...

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you... let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I... [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' ...That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That... are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:'''No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

'''Matthew:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity, and [[chores]]===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a... fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and fake Internet women===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

'''Matthew:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I... [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

===The maggot manchild and shit starts to hit the fan===
'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. I am a STRONG MAN. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Matthew:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]]. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden? That was a heavy burden?

'''Matthew:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...

===Kacey returns===
'''Matthew:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Matthew:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']
===Literature and health===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I... have... learned... that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lenny throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I... I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed''] Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

[[Image:208x228 Advice-CWC-I-JOG-FIVE-MILES-A-DAY.jpg|thumb|Yep!]]

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after... that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after... a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but... how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe... maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't... you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't...[''sputters'']... don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like... half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...

===Liquid Chris and minimum wage jobs===
'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have... you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about... minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.
===Respect and listening skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been... he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. [[Fail|She didn't hear anything you just said.]]

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is... this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W... well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you... you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send... I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's pathetic life and diseased ticker===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokemon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

'''Matthew:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O... kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's... that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long... do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Matthew:''' And play... okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' [[Fail|She's gone again.]]

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris blows it, but he's an American!===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah...let's say you just blew it, man. She was, she was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about, yes you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response, that's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel, I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about, you should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, REALLY turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, 50 pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, MAYBE.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like... a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly... as a friend... a true friend, a good friend...

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

'''Matthew:''' I do know. Because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well... points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I... am an [[United_States_of_America|American]]! I am proud to be an American and [[I_AM_STRONG|I am STRONG]]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell, don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic...if you were patriotic you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't... do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I, at least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am, I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video, and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Chris's love and memory===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't... that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...[[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Matthew:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's... that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ... no, okay, her grandmother, who is...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Matthew crosses the line and Chris's reaction time===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is... man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... [[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' A line. You crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment?"

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you... I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spellcheck, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making... mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli... what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I, it was not a retard, no. It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to find a school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not...

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you... and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is creepy and bad at dating===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy....shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Hambeast|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' You can't think of... I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean... I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's... $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15% or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm... let's see... that would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least... they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well... good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Matthew:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===Endgame===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's... that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together.

'''Kacey:''' [''Bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?! You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''Heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. You can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the Hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So you know what? I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the two hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven two hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean... yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then... and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough. Because you haven't done anything like that. You've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, three songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing for me. Come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the [[stress|STRESS]]. I can't do this. I want a real man.

'''Kacey:''' [''Silence again''] You can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you've done, Chris. Look what you've done!

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' [''Silence reigns''] I would like to say...good evening.

'''Matthew:''' So...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Phone Call]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Y1N7JXQ3 mp3 of phonecall]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SKLGsJC6R0 the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Imaginary family

2011-12-02T16:25:03Z

TheJerk:

:''This article is about Chris's stupid imaginary daughter. For Chris's stupid imaginary twin sister, see [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)]].''

{{quote|As for where I see myself, I am uncertain career-wise, but [[Dreams|I HAVE A DREAM]]! And that dream is to find the woman to make my Sweetheart from honest, true friendship, make her my wife, and from us, have a daughter named Crystal Weston Chandler. I've had a number of dreams where I take care of and tend to the needs of my baby, Crystal. And from all those dreams, I knew they were God's wishes for my future.|Chris, presuming to know the wishes of GodBear<ref>[[Regina e-mails]]</ref>}}

[[Image:09-Crystal_Card.jpg|thumb|Crystal as a [[My Little Pony]] character]]
[[Image:CrystalWestonChandler.jpg|thumb|Artist's impression. This is probably also Chris's impression. It is also the impression that no one ever wants to see become a reality.]]

Around the age of [[2003|21]], [[Chris]] had multiple [[dreams]] in which [[Chris and religion|God and Jesus]] told him to find a [[sweetheart]] to build [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up|from the ground up]] to have his '''daughter Crystal''', named "after the illustrious [[Fail|metal]]"<ref>[[Chris Chan's Public Announcement]]</ref>, according to him. In a custom ''[[My Little Pony]]'' trading card, Chris depicts Crystal as a pony who traveled back in time to help her father - Chris - find a [[boyfriend-free girl]]. This is [[Things Chris has ripped off|completely ripped off]] from Chibiusa's entire premise in ''[[Sailor Moon]]'', and also Baby's premise from the ''[[Wikipedia:Super Monkey Ball|Super Monkey Ball]]'' games, although whether Chris knows about ripping this off as well remains to be seen.

Early justifications for Chris's [[Love Quest]] stemmed from his desire to find a woman who would birth his child, but in recent events, Chris seems to be more [[honest]] in wanting a girlfriend so he can [[Fuck Quest|get laid]] or prove he's straight. When Julie expressed that she would like a child, possibly with Chris, Chris said that he "wasn't sure about having a child," but he would still like a threesome between Panda, Julie and him; this subject had been broached before, and Julie seemed uncomfortable with the idea.<ref>[[BlueSpike Skype Logs 3#2009-02-04]]</ref>

In a conversation with Chris's ex-[[gal-pal]] [[Father Call|Kacey's dad]], Chris revealed that he had the "[[Godjesus|prophetic]]" dream about Crystal when he was between the ages of seven and nine. He reiterates this later, saying he was "definitely in elementary school," when he dreamed about giving birth to a daughter (in the dream he had an office job, which also [[Resume|won't happen]]). "Give birth" slipped out, as in Chris would like to gestate a human female infant within his body (or perhaps [[Monty Python|in a box]]) and somehow deliver her into the world.

While it's most likely that Chris just fucked up while talking due to [[stress]] and [[autism]], this could also be a Freudian slip suggesting that Chris has some [[Homos|gender]][[Pregnant_Act| identity]] [[tomgirl|issues]], which typically begin in childhood. It's also somewhat possible that he doesn't know that the mother is the only one who gives birth, seeing how he [[Chris and English|uses it in other contexts]].

Crystal was featured in Lego form in the [[PlayingHouse]] video. This time it was [[Jackie]] as the vessel for which Chris' gift from God was bestowed. Despite only being in preschool, she's advanced enough to keep a diary and look after her baby brother [[Reginald Chandler|Reginald]].

==Name==

Her name is identical to that of [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Chris's sister]] from the comics, leading to some confusion.

During the conversation with Kacey's father, Chris also implied that he may intend to spell her name '''Cristle''':

: '''Matthew Devoria:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne... 
:'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense? 
: '''Matthew Devoria:''' It's still pretty close. 
:'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.<ref>[[Father Call]]</ref>

But it's most likely that Chris was just lying to Kacey's father and still would name his child Crystal. Or he just [[Chris and English|can't spell for shit]].

It is unclear which spelling he was projecting for his future daughter (although he used "Crystal" in a [[Facebook]] message<ref>[[Facebook messages#Christy Backe]]</ref> and the infamous "Story of My Current Days"<ref>[[Story of My Current Days]]</ref>). In the comics he spells his [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|stupid fake sister]]'s name "Crystal" consistently, although something called "Crystle" appears in the [[Mario Kart 64 Lego Raceway|''Mario Kart 64'' Lego Raceway]].

==References==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Chandler (extended family)]]
*[[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)]]
*[[Reginald Chandler]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Chandler, Crystal Weston}}
[[Category:Imaginary Family Members]]

Virgin with rage

2011-12-01T04:15:47Z

TheJerk: /* References by Chris */

{{quote|Tell me why (I'm stuck as a virgin with rage) Tell me why (I so need a cute girl my age)|[[So Need a Cute Girl]]}}

[[Image:106-FrustratedVirgin.jpg|thumb|[[Autism|WHY?]]]]

'''Virgin with rage''' is [[Chris's]] description of himself, being rendered helpless by this condition, his eternal virginity engenders [[stress|frustration]] and [[rage]].

Chris is very self-conscious about being a virgin, and frequently brings up the subject unprompted, even in casual conversation with somebody he has just met. However, after being advised by his parents that it's generally not a good idea to mention that he's a VIRGIN WITH RAGE, he stopped this practice,<ref>[[Chris-Chan_(CWCipedia)#Chris_in_Person_.28From_THEIR_Point_of_View.29]]</ref> one of the few times he has learned from his mistakes.

== Hormonal rage ==
Chris is probably dimly aware of his eventual fate, that he is destined to be a virgin forever. Obviously, this much-repressed sexual drive, combined with the social ineptitude resulting from his [[autism]], means that Chris is ready to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rRi90wfvHI snap] at any point. Only [[mass debating]] keeps Chris from playing ''Counter-Strike'' IRL.

{{quote | Sometimes I would want to touch her shoulder or back, feel her hair or give her a hug. I hold those urges back, because I care about her. And to keep myself from flying crazily off the handle at a random time, I keep my hormones in check at least twice a week by myself. |Chris on [[Megan]], [[Story of My Current Days]]}}

Despite his claims that he was "holding back", the emails with [[Megan]] paint a different picture, describing instances of him doing exactly what he says he wouldn't: touching her hair,{{cite}} touching her shoulder,{{cite}} giving her random and unwanted hugs, etc.<ref>[[Megan Emails, 2008]]</ref><ref>[[Mimms_and_Lucas_Q%26A#Chris_and_Megan]]</ref>

In another instance, Chris attempted to kiss [[Emily]] by surprise, during an unusually generous hug. Thankfully, she was able to avoid it, and left unscarred.<ref>[[Emily#Kiss_fail]]</ref>

Likewise, [[Facebook]] correspondence between Chris and a young man named Joshua Alba revealed this pearl:
{{quote|I've thought of a funny message for a Valentine's Day card. On the outside, "Please Be Mine," and on the inside, "My hormones are slam-banging, and I do not have a woman to put them in."

I am not a sex freak; I'm just lonesome and sometimes horny.|Chris, [[Facebook messages]], 10 January 2010<ref>[[Facebook_messages#Other]]</ref>}}

Alba was doubtlessly traumatized.

==References by Chris==
*"[[So Need a Cute Girl]]", a song which Chris recorded in August [[2003]], features the first known use of the term "virgin with rage."
*Chris's letter to ''Nintendo Power'' about ''[[Sprung]]'' from the spring of 2004 concludes, "So thank you, [[Nintendo]] and Ubisoft, for the dating advice that this frustrated virgin needed."
*The first issue of ''[[Sonichu's News Dash]]'' from [[2004]] featured Chris's poem "[[Saddest Heart in the World]]", where he whines repeatedly about his virginity and repeats some of the lyrics from "So Need a Cute Girl."
*According to an entry in [[CWC's_Diary#September.2C_2004|CWC's Diary]] from September [[2004]], Chris told his "Lonesome Virgin story" to a [[jerkop]] who interrupted his loitering at the mall.
*After he lost [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]], Chris sent an angry e-mail to Sony, where he announced "YET NOW I, A FRUSTRATED HIGH-FUNCTIONALLY AUTISTIC 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN, HAVE BEEN [[South Park|BALLZ-BROKEN]] LIKE I HAVE THROUGH A BIG CHUNK OF MY LIFE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, "[[KICK THE AUTISTIC]]!" *[[sigh]]*"
*Likewise, his [[PSN_Blogs#4_August_2007_.E2.80.94_Adam_Stackhouse.21.21.21|PSN Blog]] update from after losing the contest includes the line "I am a FRUSTRATED, High-Functionally AUTISTIC, 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN."
*In Chris's first video address of the post-[[Encyclopedia Dramatica|ED]] era, [[Chris Chan's Public Announcement]], he doesn't actually come out and bluntly announce that he's a virgin. [[CWC's Second Message]], however, hammers the point home. There, Chris calls himself "the innocent, still 26-year-old virgin."
*During his IRC fan chat from [[Chris's Sonichu IRC Chloe Introduction|26 October 2008]], Chris billed his fictitious new girlfriend [[Chloe]] as his "VIRGIN-TAKER."
*Chris's New Year's resolution for [[2009]], announced on [[IRC (02 January 2009)|IRC]]: "Lose my Virginity with a Woman." Like most people's New Year's resolutions, he failed to follow through.
*While molesting his blow-up doll in the [[I am devoted to My Sweetest Ivy]] video from 17 [[April 2009]], Chris says, "Ivy, I promise you, I promise you my undying love and devotion, I promise you my heart, my soul, even my virginity..."
*Chris's [[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile|Wikipedia profile]] from [[May 2009]] includes multiple references to his virginity.
*In the [[CWC Trollin More]] video from 19 [[July 2009]], Chris announced that he was "still a virgin," retracting one of the more obvious lies in the [[Rollin' and Trollin']] video.
*At the end of [[CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC]], from 9 [[August 2009]], Chris sums up his achievements in life (including his [[Julie|trip to Ohio]]) and says that "the—only thing—mark that's not been checked yet for a good life is the virgin-breaker."
*One of Chris's posts on the [[Adult Swim posts|Adult Swim forums]] was signed "Lonely Virgin in Virginia, searching for a Sweetheart-Soulmate."
*In the [[Common_Questions#15_January_2010|Common Questions]] from 15 [[January 2010]], a correspondent asked Chris why he was so fixated on sex. He answered, "Oh, I don't know, how about being a Frustrated Virgin?!"
*Chris's [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|plea for sex to Damian Antaria]], uploaded 14 [[March 2010]], features his standard whine about being "a 28-year-old high-functioning autistic virgin."

== Why Chris will never lose his virginity ==
<center></center>
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Why Chris-Chan will never lose his virginity
| video = {{#ev:youtube|hzI-dgGsnFU}}
| stardate = 7 [[September 2009]]
| maker = [http://www.youtube.com/user/danicapayton danicapayton]
| subject = | type = | info = }}

== Sources ==
<references/>

== See also ==
* [[Chris and anger]]
* [[Chris and sex]]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]]

Sub-Episodes

2011-11-24T20:50:22Z

TheJerk:

[[Image:Chris blood.jpg|thumb|200px|''The Passion of the Chris-Chan'']]

'''Sub-episodes''' are backup features in the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comics]] that relate tales of Christian's adventures during his [[Love Quest]]. Nobody knows why he calls them sub-episodes, but it's nice to know he at least TRIES to keep his non-existant social life out of the main plot. Chris stated in the videobook for Episode 12 Part 1 that he stopped making sub-episodes because [[Barbara Chandler|his mom]] made him.

Typically each sub-episode is inspired by some actual event in Christian's life that left him so utterly traumatized that he felt the need to express himself and tell his side of the story in comic form. Sub-episodes are primarily Chris's way of seeking external validation -- by presenting these stories he hopes [[Boyfriend-free girl|someone]] will read them and pity (and therefore love) him. For this reason the stories always assert Christian's righteousness while dwelling on his pain and suffering.

The first four sub-episodes appear in ''Sonichu'' #0-3. It could be argued that the Sonichu stories in these comics are nothing more than a Trojan-horse scheme to get people to read the sub-episodes, so they can learn what a special snowflake Christian is. [[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu'' #4]] is dedicated entirely to sub-episodes, reprising the first four and introducing four more, with Sonichu himself reduced to cameo appearances. This could be interpreted as Christian finding response to the initial sub-episodes insufficient, and trying to hammer his points home with a full-fledged all-Christian issue. This could also be because his mother told him that writing the sub episodes was a bad idea. On the other hand, by [[Sonichu 5|''Sonichu'' #5]] the sub-episodes are obsolete since Chris believes he has found a [[sweetheart]], so it is also possible #4 was intended to clear out a backlog of these stories.

A common theme in many sub-episodes is Christian loitering in a store somewhere until super-powered security guards demand that he leave the premises. Chris then uses his own super powers to fight back, and he is generally defeated, necessitating the arrival of one of his characters to save him. After his foes are vanquished so that they cannot make him leave, Chris delivers a self-important speech with an excessively specific, [[Chris and Ego|Chris-centric]] moral and leaves anyway. Even in his fantasy world, Chris manages to [[Fail]].

[[Trolls]] generally prefer the sub-episodes to the regular comics, as Chris's IRL exploits where he is trolled by mall security guards tend to be more amusing than the bland adventures of a Mary Sue [[Sonic]] recolor.

Whilst newer comics do not have sub-episodes for the reasons stated above, the storylines generally relate to something that has happened to Chris (most often involving trolls) relatively recently; this is most obvious in ''[[Sonichu 10]]'', where Chris "amends" several of his IRL issues in the safety of his comic-book world.

==See also==
*[[Sonichu 4]] - The full collection of Sub-Episodes.

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:Comic]]
[[Category:CWC-isms]]
[[Category:Love Quest]]

The GAMe PLACe

2011-11-24T19:36:12Z

TheJerk: /* Crime story */ This probably works better.

[[Image:The-Game-Place.jpg|thumb|The GAMe PLACe]]
[[Image:GamePlace2.jpg|thumb|Another angle, revealing The GAMe PLACe to be adjacent to a Staples store.]]
[[Image:HNI_0020.JPG|thumb|The inside of the PLACe as of 27 October 2011.]]
{{Quote|I also hope that the Game and Hobby Place in Charlottesville... BURNS TO THE GROUND! ALONG WITH MICHAEL SNYDER!|Chris<ref>[[Autism Tutorial Part 3]]</ref>}}
'''The GAMe PLACe''' is a comic book, game, card, toy, and hobby shop in [[Charlottesville]]. For several years, up until the summer of [[2008]], Chris hung out there on a regular basis, going there every Friday without fail to play the ''[[Pokémon]]'' and ''Yu-Gi-Oh!'' [[card games]]. The shop hosts the [[Wikipedia:Pokémon_Organized_Play#Pok.C3.A9mon_TCG_Leagues|''Pokémon TCG'' League]], where Chris served as a self-proclaimed volunteer gym leader (though he was not endorsed in any way, and was largely simply tolerated by the store). The store has since been renamed '''Cville's Hobbies, Games, and Toys'''.

After a long period of scaring off customers and being a confrontational douche, Chris was permanently kicked out of the store by one of the [[manager]]s, [[Michael Snyder]], on 28 [[August 2008]]. Since then, Chris has attempted several times to regain access to the store, to no avail thanks to Michael's insistence.

==People of note==
Chris originally met [[Megan Schroeder]] at The GAMe PLACe in [[2005]], where they bonded over their shared interest in ''Yu-Gi-Oh!'' Megan continued to hang out at the shop even after her friendship with Chris [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|collapsed]] in the spring of [[2008]], although their relationship by that point was strained to say the least. Once she broke off all contact with Chris, she did her best to ignore him entirely when they were at the store at the same time.

The other two best-known patrons of the shop, aside from Chris himself, are [[Daniel Mimms]] and [[Lucas]]. The two friends are the primary source of most of what is known about Chris's behavior at The GAMe PLACe (and most of the information in this article), which they revealed during a detailed [[Mimms and Lucas Q&A|Q&A session]] on the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens (message board)|PVCC forums]]. They're also famous for having taken and uploaded the first photograph of Chris to reach the Internet, which Mimms snapped and Lucas uploaded to [[4-cent garbage.com|4chan]] in the fall of [[2007]].

[[Michael Snyder]], one of the store's managers (he isn't the owner, though he's sometimes mistakenly described as such) would eventually become one of Chris's real-life nemeses when he kicked Chris out of the store in the summer of 2008.<ref name=ban>[[Mimms_and_Lucas_Q%26A#Chris.27s_ban_from_the_store|Mimms' and Lucas' Q&A: Chris's ban from the store.]]</ref>

==Chris's attitude at The GAMe PLACe==
{{quote|Chris would rarely ever shake anyone's hand after a game, and when he did, he quickly followed up with hand sanitizer.|[[Mimms]]}}

[[Image:Sonichupunch.jpg|thumb|left|Chris acting his age.]]
[[Image:TonyTyAndBriana.jpg|thumb|Some regulars.]]

In his early days at The GAMe PLACe, Chris's behavior seems to have been more "childlike", for lack of a better word. According to Mimms, who was a regular at the store for the entire time Chris hung out there, Chris avoided using foul language when he first started gaming at the store.<ref name=homo>[[Mimms_and_Lucas_Q%26A#Racism_and_homophobia|Mimms and Lucas Q&A: Racism and Homophobia]]</ref> He also never failed to show up for ''Pokémon'' games in his old [[Chris and cosplaying|Ash Ketchum costume]].

The costume was eventually retired, however (by the time of the 2007 photo, Chris was showing up in his usual colorful clown shirts and sporting the [[Sonichu medallion]]), and Chris's behavior grew more aggressive and vulgar over the years. According to Mimms and Lucas, Chris often became angry at his card-game opponents, even small children. An [[Megan_Emails,_Aug-Dec_2007#Megan_is_pissed_that_Chris_is_nosing_in_her_business|October 2007 e-mail]] from Megan mentions an incident where Chris was extremely threatening and insulting to a guy whom he thought was putting the moves on his gal-pal.

Mimms recounted a few instances of Chris displaying his dislike and distrust of black people. He was openly suspicious of the young black kids he played ''Pokémon'' and ''Yu-Gi-Oh!'' with, apparently because he thought they were going to make off with his cards.<ref name=mimms1>[[Mimms_and_Lucas_Q%26A#Initial_post|Mimms & Lucas Q&A: Initial Post]]</ref> Chris also nearly managed to earn himself a beating from an older black gamer by the name of TJ:

{{quote|Chris yells at him, "I'm going to smack your effing face down!" and TJ stands up like he's going to beat his ass. Chris shrinks back and and says "I mean your face-down monster..."|Mimms, [[Mimms and Lucas Q&A]]}}

Likewise, Chris's homophobia occasionally surfaced while he was hanging out at the shop. A [[gay]] regular at the shop by the name of Eric was the target of mockery and threats from Chris (although Mimms noted that, for obvious reasons, Chris wasn't likely to ever do him any great physical harm).<ref name=homo/> Chris also assumed that two of the shop's regulars were gay because they happened to exchange a few jokingly romantic remarks — his literal mind took that as proof that they were a couple.<ref name=homo/>

==Chris the [[card games|TCG]] gamer==
[[Image:409-CWCWeekP3.jpg|thumb|Chris stares down his youthful opponent.]]

{{quote|Chris was pretty awful at all the games he played.|Mimms, summing up Chris.<ref name=mimms2>[[Mimms_and_Lucas_Q%26A#Follow_up|Mimms and Lucas Q&A]]</ref>}}
Though he apparently spent plenty of money buying new cards at the store<ref>[[Mimms_and_Lucas_Q%26A#Chris_as_a_customer|Mimms and Lucas Q&A: Chris as a Customer]]</ref> and built them into a sizable collection of themed decks, Chris didn't have any aptitude for deck-building or strategy in the ''Pokémon'' and ''Yu-Gi-Oh!'' trading card games. Even when playing against small children, he rarely won games or advanced in tournaments, although Mimms recounts one occasion where Chris managed to win a match on a day when most of the regular players were absent, and proudly hollered "I'M THE LEVEL-UP KING!"<ref name=mimms2/>

Chris often declares that he was a gym leader in the store's ''Pokémon'' league (an older player who manages tournaments, keeps track of wins and losses, and so forth). It's mentioned on his [[Chris's resume|resume]], for instance, and he talks about it in the [[Father Call]]. However, his memory has apparently inflated his role considerably. "He wasn't actually a gym leader," says Mimms, but rather a substitute who took the place of the regular gym leader on a few occasions. He also wasn't very good at the job, reportedly becoming angry and snapping at the players he was supposed to be taking care of.<ref name=mimms2/> This earned him his first ban from the store, lasting two weeks, which, according to Lucas, began on 4 April 2008.<ref name=ban/>

To Chris's very slight credit, Mimms says he did resist using his custom ''Pokémon'' and ''Yu-Gi-Oh!'' cards in actual games.<ref name=mimms1/> Mimms and Lucas also noted that he played the [[Card games#UFS_(Ultimate_Fighting_System)_TCG|''Universal Fighting System'' card game]], often playing female characters such as Cassandra from the ''[[Soul Calibur]]'' series and [[CWC Fighter|Chun-Li]].

==The GAMe PLACe photograph==
[[Image:Chrischannov2007.jpg|thumb|right|Blurry because [[Mimms]] was trying to be covert.]]

In the fall of 2007, Chris discovered the [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] page devoted to him. There, he also discovered a blurry photograph of himself, which had been taken and posted to 4chan by Mimms and Lucas respectively.

Though he'd already pretty thoroughly blown a gasket over the ED page, Chris went even crazier trying to discover the identity of the photographer. In an e-mail to [[Anna McLerran]] from [[November 2007]], he mentions pestering the staff of The GAMe PLACe to go through their anti-theft camera footage to find out who had taken the photo.<ref>[[Chris_E-mails_2007#November|Chris E-mails: November 2007]]</ref> Unsurprisingly, they weren't very cooperative. According to Mimms, Chris complained about the photo and the ED page so loudly and frequently at the store that the management eventually threatened to kick him out if he didn't stop.

Chris also complained to his mother, who apparently became as angry or more so. At one point, early in November, Chris's parents visited the store and interrogated Mimms as to the origin of the photo. After Mimms admitted that he had snapped the picture (but feigned ignorance as to how it found its way onto the Internet), they threatened to take legal action, but never actually did so.<ref name=mimms2/>

Chris's "investigations" continued on and off for months after he originally found the picture. In an e-mail to Megan (sent in [[March 2008]] and oddly situated in-between desperate apologies for the porn he drew of her), he recounts an indirect confrontation with Lucas at [[GameStop]] on 8 March.

{{quote|So it brought up to mind my first word being "Monkey", so I told Mimms that. And with a turn around towards the accompanying Lucas, I said in his direction, "Well, that's something new you didn't know about 'be-4' about this 'Chan'." I noticed a look on his face like, "Wow, I can totally wail on that tidbit of information." He said nothing.|Chris's idea of subtlety, from the [[Megan_Emails,_2008#Chris_emails_her_some_detective_work.2C_Megan_likely_doesn.27t_give_a_shit|Megan e-mails]].}}

Later, Lucas gave his own interesting take on the story.

{{quote|The funniest part about that is that I have no recollection of him saying that to me whatsoever. I had no idea I was even a suspect until I saw that e-mail.|Lucas, [[Mimms_and_Lucas_Q%26A#Trolling_Chris_at_the_Game_Place|Mimms and Lucas Q&A]]}}

==Chris gets the boot==
Chris's behavior offended the store's management in a number of ways. Aside from punting his gym leader duties, scaring the small children he played card games with, picking fights with other players, and generally being a racist and homophobic creep, he would truck his video game consoles into The GAMe PLACe and take over the shop's flat-screen TV for considerable amounts of time, loudly sing along to [[Britney Spears]] during games, pitch fits inspired by his hatred of the [[HEXBox]] in public, and so on.<ref>[[Mimms and Lucas Q&A]]</ref>

The trigger for his permanent ban in [[August 2008]] was a shouting match with a young black kid. That particular incident was merely the straw that broke the camel's back, though "Mike was looking for any reason to ban him at this point," says Mimms.<ref name=mimms1/>

Predictably, Chris did his best to resist getting kicked out of the store. He brought his parents in to argue his case with Michael Snyder, to which Michael responded by calling the [[police]]. Despite a fierce response from [[Barbara Chandler]], Chris and his family failed to move either Michael or the cops, and every indication is that Chris will never be allowed back into the store.<ref name=mimms1/>

In the [[Jackie e-mails]], Chris offers his own chronology and version of events. There, he claims that he was thrown out of the store much earlier than Mimms indicates, in June 2008. The so-called "Wii Incident", according to Chris, was when Michael Snyder forced Chris to stop bogarting the TV for his Wii. Doing this apparently caused a number of children to miss out on obtaining a few trade-only evolution Pokémon. Chris got angry and wrote a letter, sign, or simply scrawled a note on the side of a card box stating "Michael Snyder Loves the "F" out of [[Mary Lee Walsh]]." This, Chris claimed, was Michael's last straw and he booted him then.

According to the [[CWCipedia]] article for [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Megan_Schroeder Megan Schroeder], Chris claims that Megan was there the day he was banned and claimed that she just stood there in shock, refusing to speak up for him. In reality, of course, she was simply disgusted by his behavior like any rational person would have been and relieved that his being kicked out of the store would be the last time Chris would ever be in her sight.<ref>http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Megan_Schroeder</ref> Also, she refused to defend Chris not because of shock, but because of his sexual harassment, [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|destruction of her dignity]], anger issues, and overall immaturity, ultimately cementing the fact that nobody wants Chris to ever return to the store.

In February 2011, Chris released the [[Autism Tutorial Part 3|third part of his Autism Tutorial]], in which he shared that he still feels bitter over his banning. In his words: "And I also hope that the Game and Hobby Place in Charlottesville... burns to the ground! Along with Michael Snyder!"

==Unbanning attempts==
[[Image:Episode200Comment.PNG|thumb|Chris recounts flipping Michael Snyder the bird.]]

Chris has repeatedly attempted to overcome his ban and gain readmission to the store. As mentioned in [[Chris_E-mails_2008#July|a July 2008 e-mail]], Chris sent a letter to Michael Snyder shortly after his initial one-month ban. In [[March 2009]], he attempted to apologize in the best way he knew how: [[Apology to Game & Hobby Place|posting a video to YouTube on the off-chance the individual addressed would see it.]] This was [[Chris and remorse|not the most sincere apology in the world]], since Chris made it clear in a [[I Am The TRUE, Original CCWC|later video]] that he doesn't really understand why he was thrown out in the first place. A month later, in [[April 2009]], Chris attempted to sneak into the store, but when a cashier recognized him and caught him, Chris ran.

Almost two years after his initial ban from The GAMe PLACe Chris would try again to get the ban lifted. Chris's conversations with Jackie reveal that he attempted to go to The GAMe PLACe after church on 11 [[April 2010]]. When he was once again recognized by a cashier who threatened to call the cops, Chris got angry and bolted. The next day, Chris visited the store again to talk to Michael Snyder in an attempt to have the ban removed. However, the visit did not turn out in Chris's favor, as [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|the audio from the incident]] shows. Michael refused to revoke the ban (later noting on YouTube, that Chris was actually reading the apology from a pre-written script<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/comment_servlet?all_comments&v=u_p6bShW97Y YouTube comment by Mike.]</ref>) and Chris took this about as well as could be expected; he flipped Michael off,<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWq4pB_Vikw YouTube comment by Chris.]</ref> yelled "JEW!" at him, and left the store in a huff. [[Chris and the law|The police were called]] about the incident, according to Mimms, but Chris was already long gone by the time they arrived. No charges were pressed, likely because nobody was actually harmed.

Later that day, Chris uploaded the audio of the incident to [[YouTube]], accompanied by a description soliciting harassment and "trolling" of Michael and his fellow employees. However, it was removed from the site in a matter of hours due to a "Terms of Use Violation". Considering [[Chris and race|Chris's antisemitic remark]] directed at Michael, his invitation for others to harass him, and the possibly illegal nature of the recording, it's easy to see why it was pulled.

Chris has never fully understood why he was kicked out of the store. According to Mimms, Chris didn't see what was wrong with his behavior at the time,<ref name=ban/> and he evidently hasn't reflected on the subject much in the intervening years. During the April 2010 visit to the store, the only possible grounds for his ban he could remember was the aforementioned "Wii Incident". Later, when he posted an ad on CWCipedia complaining about Snyder's refusal to lift the ban, Chris appeared to believe that the store manager refused to let him in because he hated him personally and [[Kick the Autistic|people with autism in general]].

In [[October 2010]], Chris made [[100 2261.MOV|yet another request]] to be readmitted. Wearing an ancient ''Pokémon'' League T-shirt, he apologized for his behavior and said that the ban was his fault, blaming the whole thing on his infamous "[[stress]]". He also claimed to have only "shouted a loud outburst" twice. Mike was unmoved.

With Chris's continued failure to overturn the ban, it is clear that his chances of winning entry to The GAMe PLACe are almost as remote as the chances of his [[duck]] winning entry to [[China]].

==The Charlottesville Incident==
[[File:Sny.PNG|thumb|300px|Sonichu wishes Chris luck in his next murder attempt.]]
On 4 [[June 2010]], Chris visited The GAMe PLACe. [[6 June 2010|He claimed]] that he wanted to take a photograph of Snyder to use as a dartboard, but when Snyder saw him with his camera outside, he chased Chris. Chris claimed that he tried to drive away, but was accosted by Snyder, a woman he didn't recognize, and the police. Snyder's version was more succinct:

{{quote|Christian is in my parking lot right now being grilled by [[jerkop|the police]]. He took pictures of my daughter and tried to run me over with his [[car]]. they witness this, and I bet they still do nothing about it.}}

The police listened to Chris rant about the trolls for a while and eventually made him delete the pictures and sent him home with a warning. Chris did not tell his parents anything and it would be [[Matthew Noble call|two months]] before they would learn about it.

==Crime story==
{{main|28 October 2011}}
On 28 October 2011, Chris and [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] got arrested and ended up facing multiple charges; hit-and-run, (both) misdemeanor assault, (Chris) attacking a law official (Barb) and trespassing (Chris). Going by the details of said charges, as well as recent photographs uploaded [[CWCki|on-site]] by Chris himself, it can be assumed that the two tried to enter the store, Chris got in a fight with Michael, the two tried and failed to escape the parking lot before the police arrived, damaging something in the process, and when the cops showed up Barb tried to stop them from arresting Chris.

==Chris's parents and The GAMe PLACe==
A [[Matthew Noble call|phone conversation]] recorded in early [[August 2010]] reveals many more details about the odd attitude that Bob and Barb Chandler hold towards The GAMe PLACe. During the discussion, they evidence a total ignorance of how Chris behaved at the store and why he was banned. Barb shows signs of still holding a grudge over her visit to the store after Chris's final ban, while Bob suggests that he believes that the trolling of Chris somehow originates from a conspiracy at the store.

{{quote|Mike and Megan are the ones that conspired together with a couple of other people — kids there that I think were gay — to persecute and torment Christian for years.|Bob Chandler, on the GAMe PLACe conspiracy.}}

Bob does not explain why Mike, Megan, and the "gay kids" (likely a reference to Eric and Tito<ref>Mimms_and_Lucas_Q&A#Racism and homophobia</ref>) would create this grand conspiracy against Chris, but he goes as far as to accuse them of fraudulently obtaining access to Chris's credit cards and bank accounts. [[Best Buy|Data]] uncovered a month later shows that Chris wasted shit tons of money on PlayStation Network cards and games he won't play in the future, resulting in further debt and an excuse to blame Snyder and the trolls for stealing his credit cards.
==References==
<references />

==External links==
*[http://www.cvilleshobbiesgamesandtoys.com/ Current website]
*[http://www.thegameplace.com/ Old website]

{{Places}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Game Place}}

[[Category:Attraction Locations]]

Kacey Call 11

2011-11-24T19:06:39Z

TheJerk: /* Part 2 */ Slow but accurate!

Just a brief overview until the entire call is transcribed.

File Name: kc090709.mp3

*[[Chris]] got an email saying [[Target]] was not going to hire him.
*Chris has 10 dollars in the bank but he's going to start saving!
*[[Kacey]] asks to coach Chris and help him save money.
*Talking about walking and working out.
*Chris volunteers to give Kacey a Q&A about [[autism]] for her Abnormal Psychology class. Kacey asks him for info right now about autism. Chris says that he'll only do it if the maximum is 500 words.
*Kacey asks if Chris ever uploaded essays from [[High School]] to [[CWCipedia]], he says he hasn't found them yet.
*Chris tries to push a relationship on her, but she turns him off right away.
*Chris is going to take a yoga class. He heard about yoga from ''[[Wii]] Fit''.
*Chris says the last workout he had was standing on one leg for an ENTIRE ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' song!
*Chris is comparing ''Rock Band'' [[guitar]]s to ''Guitar Hero'' guitars. Kacey says she likes real guitars and likes it when guys write songs for her. Chris says he could play ''Guitar Hero'' for her, and he can write a song in ''Guitar Hero'' for her. Kacey isn't impressed and Chris doesn't understand the difference between the two.
*"I can be just as good in ''Guitar Hero'' as a real guitar."
*Chris walks around the mall for exercise. Five whole laps!
*Chris complains about the lack of male bras at J.C. Penny.
*Chris didn't realize you can wash bras, thought you had to throw them away after every three days of use.
*Kacey suggests for Chris to spray his bras with febreze. Kacey recommends lavender.
*Kacey says that she mixes her perfumes to smell better. Chris compares this to mixing food together at Country Cookin'.
*Chris says he was reading [[Playboy]] earlier and they had a ''[[Family Guy]]'' article.
*'''Chris complains that ''Family Guy'' was canceled originally because [[9/11]] distracted people from the show.'''
*Chris is upset to find out that Stewie is gay.
*Chris admits to reading ''Playgirl'' once.
*Kacey was uncomfortable with the subject, so they stopped talking about ''Playboy''/''Playgirl''.
*Kim convinced Chris to watch the news more often.
*Chris claims he is drawing more [[Sonichu]].
*Kacey says that she is excited for [[Vivian]]'s next audiobook. Chris gets stressed out.
*Kacey suggests to Chris to make his own audiobooks if he doesn't like Vivian's version.
*Chris talks about how he can't trust Vivian due to [[Clyde Cash]] being related. Chris complains about Clyde for a while, but then says that Clyde is dead now so it's okay. Chris says he is glad that Clyde is dead.
*Chris says that he never read [[A Girl Who Brought Down the World|Vivian's book]], and he gave it to [[Rocky]] instead.
*Chris is looking for new jobs. He says he can make 980 dollars a month without losing the tugboat.
*Chris is trying to get a discount at the gym by talking to his doctor.
*'''Chris sent a letter to his doctor about his [[penis]]. Letter included asking about if his penis being bent was okay, how to straighten it out, and trying to get penis enlarging medication.'''
*Chris asks Kacey how big Liquid's penis is. Kacey starts laughing really hard, and then says that it's 9 inches, thick, and it would hurt sometimes. Chris is amazed and sounds depressed and talks about how small his penis is.
*Chris is upset that Kacey said that she enjoyed [[Liquid]]'s cock.
*Chris admits that he is taking penis enlargement medication, and starts describing his cock in detail to Kacey.
*Kacey says she has to go, unless Chris has any more questions about Liquid's cock. Chris says no, and the call ends.

==Part 1==

<Center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Kacey-CWC Call 11 Part 1
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|hsqOojBtrqw}}
| Stardate = ???
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[Kacey Call 10]]
| next = [[#Part 2|Part 2]]
}} </Center>

'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris! It’s Kacey, how are ya? 
'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, I'm good, how are you? 
'''Kacey:''' Ah-I'm good. You know, just really busy with school and work. 
'''Chris:''' ...yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' Y'know, gotta make that money! Gotta save it up-up. (''Sound glitch'') 
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I will be saving up my self, y'know, after I get my- after I get one- after I get mah joooooooob, you know. Even though I, ah, received an e-mail from target saying they're not gonna hire me, because y'know, they got- they got enough people as it is right now. I'm sure they'll keep my, ah, file on record, until they find an opening. 
'''Kacey:''' Nolikeyeah, I think they do that, um, I think it's, uh, it's easier every 30 days or 3 months, it depends on the company. (''beat, Kacey continues at the same moment Chris tries to start'') So, speaking of money, are you doing OK, curbing your spending? 
'''Chris:''' (''grunt/sigh'') Yeah, I'm turning out ok. Yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' ...Uhm. I mean, you know, I'm really worried about that because, I mean, you know, wif what you've told me about how much you spend on videogames and everything, uhm, are you buying anything from the, you know, all that stuff right now, like any games, do you have any plans? 
'''Chris:''' Ahh, yeah, I have no plans right now, so I'm not expecting to buy anything at the... for.. for a while. I've got money- I got like about, ten- I've got like 'bout 10 bucks in the bank right now. I can always- I can- I can always deposit it. 
'''Kacey:''' Well, um, you know, I think I've been to harsh on you, so I want to help you, uhm, do you think, maybe, uhm, I can help coach you with these things, like, you know, like, maybe you could forward me, like, what you spend, like- we'd just start something small like the Play Station network, or something. Like, and I can coach you, I-I'm really sorry, I think I was too harsh on you. 
'''Chris:''' (''chirps happily'') Hmm. Okay, that sounds good. [''unintelligible''] Yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh, awesome. Yeah, it's my way of an apology. 
'''Chris:''' It's okay, I mean, you don't have to apologize uh I mean you acted the way you did because you felt like you had to. 
'''Kacey:''' Yeah but [Chris talks over her] just forward me whatever purchases you make and um I will definitely help you. I'm happy you appreciate that. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. Yeah I'll [unintelligible] 
'''Kacey:''' Okay. 
'''Chris:''' Uh and my - I was doing a lot of walking today and lap - I did a lot of laps around the neighborhood. Instead of taking the easier counter-clockwise route around the uh 'hood I went clockwise and actually powerwalked the steep incline we have here. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh nice. How much is a lap for you. Is it like a mile or something? 
'''Chris:''' Hmm. I'm not sure what the distance is. I could probably measure it in my car. Uh of course I'm counting also going into the uh the little courtyard- the little courts y'know. It's like y'know the court. The into the. I'm actually going into those- 
'''Kacey:''' Uh huh 
'''Chris:''' Courts. Up and down them. 
'''Kacey:''' Well did you run or jog the whole time cause remember you just gotta get that heartrate up. 
'''Chris:''' Yeah. I powerwalked. Today I powerwalked but yesterday I did some jogging in there as well. 
'''Kacey:''' I think you should look up how to get your heart rate up and where your heart rate should be. Because you just can't walk and I'm not there to show you obviously because I've got so much going with school but um if you Google it that should be awesome. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. Alright. Well let me ask you though. I thought of this question earlier. Uh yeah you're studying to be a nurse. Do you have to take any psychological type classes like y'know like any classes like a psychiatrist would have to take? 
'''Kacey:''' Oh of course. Um I'm actually in um 2nd Level Human Growth and Development this semester. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. 
'''Kacey:''' I mean a lot of it overlaps I mean I'll be taking Abnormal Psyche next semester. 
'''Chris:''' A normal... psyche class? 
'''Kacey:''' Abnormal? Like not normal. Yeah. 
'''Chris:''' Oh abnormal. Okay. Yeah well I have- I'll tell you what if you get to the part where they talk about Autism I could give you some- some information on that and probably help you with any essays you have to write or whatever. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh yeah. That would be interesting. Y'know get a little perspective maybe I'll get some extra credit. 
'''Chris:''' Alright. Yeah you know I mean it's too bad we couldn't plan the uh trips of you coming over here with your hanging out y'know between Labor Day weekend. 
'''Kacey:''' I know, I know. 
'''Chris:''' I mean- 
'''Kacey:''' I had to work all day so I mean but hey- making that money. But back to what you said about helping me with class. You can start whenever because even though I'm taking it next semsester that way I'll be prepared I mean. Why don't you describe Autism to me? You know give me a feel for it. 
'''Chris:''' Alright. I'll have to give it some thought but I'll have - write you a uh minimum 100 maximum 500 word essay about it. 

==Part 2==

<Center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Kacey-CWC Call 11 Part 2
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|oM9-J8nB4tI}}
| Stardate = ???
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[#Part 1|Part 1]]
| next = [[#Part 3|Part 3]]
}} </Center>
 '''Chris:''' ...That
 '''Kacey:''' Okay cool
 '''Chris:''' Of course you definitely can with a multi-pack, you know,3 packs for like 10 dollars. Least there-least there still-one o- still one over here still sells them for that price, 3 for 10
 '''Kacey:''' Oh I mean, uh, wash them
 '''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what?
 '''Kacey:''' You don't have to buy tons of them, you could just wash them. Like, I mean, unless you're doing it for style there's no reason to have a lot of them
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I currently have-I currently have 6, but I understand from my mom that I could wear uh, bra 3 underwear-a bra or underwear for 3 days, then switch over to the new ones
 '''Kacey:''' Well um also, with those things I know you've never used them before but you need to, you know, let them air out every night and um you know, um, I at [Chris: y-yeah] least rinse mine with you know a little bit of spray cleanser. You know maybe some febreeze, maybe, anything. But I mean I also wear perfume and stuff.
 '''Chris:''' Okay so wait a minute, uh, spray what with febreeze?
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, use some febreeze. That would work.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah so wait a minute, you're talking about spraying the bra with febreeze?
 '''Kacey:''' Of course, you don't put that on your skin
 '''Chris:''' [laugh] Okay I just wanted to make sure I understood...mmkay febreeze. Yeah okay well I'm not sure we have any febreeze in the bathroom, but you know next chance I get I will definitely get some febreeze.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay, cool. Awesome. Like they have different scents now that smell really good.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, what do you recommend, personally?
 '''Kacey:''' [interrupting] I like the lavender one, I love that one the most. It's one of the purple ones. There's a spring one and then there's a lavender one.
 '''Chris:''' I like lavender scent.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh cool.
 '''Chris:''' I have smelled lavender before and it does smell good.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah
 '''Chris:''' 'kay...that's good. 't's very good. We've found some common ground there, we both like lavender
 '''Kacey:''' [little laugh] It's not my favorite but it is one of them
 '''Chris:''' mmkay, one of them. Okay what is your top favorite scent?
 '''Kacey:''' Um...Probably...Either like a sandalwood amber thing, or vanilla.
 '''Chris:''' Vanilla is-vanilla is good. What's the other one you said, sandal with amber?
 '''Kacey:''' Sandalwood with amber.
 '''Chris:''' Oh. An-An. I'm sorry, andalwood?
 '''Kacey:''' Sandalwood.
 '''Chris:''' Oh okay
 '''Kacey:''' You know like sandals you wear on your feet? Yeah
 '''Chris:''' Ohhh, sandalwood, yeah okay. Sandalwood with amber. Okay.
 '''Kacey:''' Well, I-I actually, um I have lots of different perfumes and I mix them and I layer them, but I make sure their scents all correspond.
 '''Chris:''' Wow you uh, you mix your own perfumes. [little laugh]
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah
 '''Chris:''' That's pretty-that's-that's very good, I mean uh...
 '''Kacey:''' That way when one wears off I've got another thing, it's really nice. But I mean men don't wear perfume, they wear like cologne and body spray and stuff.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah...(???)-mix things up I often like to uh mix things up-I often like to, uh, mix things up, like, you know, if I'm at my country club ??? golden corral, I-I sometimes like to mix things and, you know, mix food togeth-mix different foods-like y'know like a different combination of vegtables.Ok- Or, y'know, aside from a side but I mean like you know, maybe green beans, and corn, and cook-cooked carrots, whatever. Whatever they have there. Or you know, here's a fun-Here's a fun thing you could try: Mixing any-mixing-mixing any cooked vegtables in mashed potatoes.
 '''Kacey:''' I-I don't really like to mix my food. I'm just like that. I don't like cooked carrots either I think they're gross. I mean but I mean it's not the same as mixing.???-but I see what you're getting from. Like, um, I-I know people who do that all the time, but you know, I like to eat all my stuff individually. Unless it DOES go together.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I hear ya, that's good. Mmm. Mmkay. Okay, Well you know, just wanted to let you know, I was just reading an article about Seth MacFarlane, in, uh, this month's Playboy. You know, just talking about, uh, Fam- Just talking about Family Guy you know. You know ??? about-about ten years ago since it first aired just after Superbowl 33? And Seth MacFarlane just calls that ga-ns calls that-call that game boring.
 '''Kacey:''' [Sounds bored] Oh, really.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. He just calls the game boring, but, you know, and then it just-[mutters, as though reading off notecards]ah shoot, I mean, whaddya say about f-Family Guy and um...yeah I haven't s-well maybe I was just ??? but yeah [stops muttering] Yeah, he was prepped on the show-on the show was gonna be huge, and then...and then apparently had gotten huge numbers are

 '''Kacey:''' Well, when you finish a comic, I can't wait for the audiobook version, I think they're funny.
 '''Chris:''' ...You mean Vivian's audiobooks?
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah! I love those, I'm so glad you showed them to me.
 '''Chris:''' ''[Stress pause]'' Yeah, I never authorized those audiobooks.

==Part 3==

<Center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Kacey-CWC Call 11 Part 3
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|9uQwmUWpx2Y}}
| Stardate = ???
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[#Part 2|Part 2]]
| next = [[#Part 4|Part 4]]
}} </Center>

 '''Kacey:''' Well, I think she did a great job. I think you should thank her, I mean, they're AWESOME.
 '''Chris:''' Hm.
 '''Kacey:''' And it's like free publicity.
 '''Chris:''' Mmm. Yeah... Ahhh, but still, so many things she's done against me.
 '''Kacey:''' Like what? I mean, I didn't see anything bad.
 '''Chris:''' Okay well how about that folder of her art I sent ya... The, uh, few comic pages where she mocked about me and my sw- My early days in my Sweetheart Search, like you know... You know, it's-
 '''Kacey:''' It's a parody, if you're gonna be famous you're gonna get parodies. I think it's great to go ahead and get them out of the way.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but, still you know-
 '''Kacey:''' Just because somebody does a parody, doesn't mean that they hate you or anything, it's just, you know, it's publicity, come on. You've got to laugh at these things or else you're never gonna make it.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Okay-
 '''Kacey:''' I mean, it's flattering. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Okay but you know I'm talking about the, uh, ones where she's got the Misdreavus in there with her. The Pokemon-
 '''Kacey:''' Still. You should just go with it, and be like "thank you for the free publicity". This is your show, so run it.
 '''Chris:''' Uh, "this is my show so want it"?
 '''Kacey:''' So RUN it. Run it.
 '''Chris:''' Uh...
 '''Kacey:''' Besides, it opens it up to more people. I mean if you don't want her to do it, you should make your own audiobooks. You should narrate them yourself.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah. I thought about that, but it's like you know... I'd ra- I'd rather actually have a- My- A woman to read the, uh, Rosechu parts. But unfortunately I don't have a-
 '''Kacey:''' I'd be happy to help. I can give you recordings.
 '''Chris:''' ''[Silence]''
 '''Kacey:''' But you know I'm really busy so I probably wouldn't be able to for a long, long time.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Okay, well I appreciate the offer. And I'll think about dat furder. But I think- But I was hoping, like you know, I could actually let my sweetheart do it, but like, unfortunately I just been having... the, uh...
 '''Kacey:''' Oh then I think you should wait, that's a good idea.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's... Still so much- Still a lot for me- Still a lot of things for me to think. Umm... Yeah, but also, uh, cuz also, I think I have informed you about Vivian Gee being Clyde Cash's cousin.
 '''Kacey:''' But that doesn't mean anything.
 '''Chris:''' Clyde Cash was a major troll.
 '''Kacey:''' But, that doesn't mean SHE is.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Okay. But still you know, Clyde Cash, he was also the one- He was also the first guy that actually got into my- That actually hacked into my original hosting account on Tripod. And then the following one on-
 '''Kacey:''' How did he do it?
 '''Chris:''' He tried to... to turn the- turn the website around and make it look- make it look like- make it mock ME. He-
 '''Kacey:''' I mean how did he figure out your passwords and logins and stuff, did he hack it?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' How did he hack it?
 '''Chris:''' ''[Annoyed]'' I don't know how he hacked it.
 '''Kacey:''' Did you use an easy-to-guess password?
 '''Chris:''' No, I did not use an easy password. I don't even remember what the password was, now.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but anyways, then I- then I tried to like- then I tried using Yahoo... I think it was. Or maybe it was something else I don't know, but anyway then he got in- But then he hacked into that as well, even on Godaddy- Even on my last attempt at- Even on the last attempt at on Godaddy dot com being the web host, he got into that as well. And then I-
 '''Kacey:''' Wow, he sounds very talented!
 '''Chris:''' Ugh... But anyway, you know, I- Anyway, after I got my Godaddy account back I just basically pulled the plug on the- Pulled the plug on the whole Sonichu site thing. And then supposedly he ki- And then, supposedly he killed himself. So I just assumed-
 '''Kacey:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' I just assumed that he's been dead for da few months. I think I sent you Vivian's ad- I think I sent you Vivian's address, if you wanna talk to her and verify.
 '''Kacey:''' That's... That's, um... I don't know what to say about that.
 '''Chris:''' Well you know, you could think- You know, no rush, you could think about dat furder. Um... Shoot, what was I gonna say- Oh yeah, yeah I just assumed that- I just, uh, assumed that he's been dead the whole time and GLAD that he's been dead.
 '''Kacey:''' Uh...
 '''Chris:''' Even Vivian- Even- Even Vivian agreed about- Even agreed on him being dead.
 '''Kacey:''' Then I guess he is, or... I don't know.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' It's a really bad topic.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. It was a bad topic. But you know, I mean like you know, I had to recall cuz you know...
 '''Kacey:''' I mean it's so sad when someone kills themselves.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, it was just- It was just to verify the whole troll- The trolling situation there. From him, and... You know and also like you know, Vivian did write a book and she sent me a copy of it. I think it was called "Da Girl who Ruled Da World". Uhhh, don't tell Vivian, but I never actually read the book. Even though I told- Even though I told her- Even though I lied to her and told her that I read it.
 '''Kacey:''' You shouldn't lie, that's horrible! What if it's a really good book, I mean didn't we talking about this before? Why would you do that?
 '''Chris:''' Hm... It was like, uh, tryin'... I was like, I dunno. I don't remember. It was in the conversation, we were just talkin', and then you know... Yeah, I just- I just did not feel comfortable with saying like, you know, "Oh, I haven't read it", and den she would be encouraging me to read it, but anyway, then anyway- Uh, currently the uh, book is on loan to Rocky, she hasn't given it back to me yet, and she's just had an appendix operation. She's read, uh, she's read, uh, a whole chunk of da book, and it's mostly mockery- mockery against me anyway. Mockery against me and my Sonichu characters.
 '''Kacey:''' Well, like I said, it's probably just free publicity. So, I think I mentioned before I wanted to read it, but you should read it first. You have to read it before you judge it, I'm pretty sure we talked about this.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah we're talkin' about- We're talkin' about Vivian's book, right?
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Okay. Yeah after I get it back from Rocky I'll be sure to read it.
 '''Kacey:''' You should probably get it back very soon.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. M'kay. Alright, so... Yeah, you did not have any classes today, so you just had work?
 '''Kacey:''' Yes. I worked and studied.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, that's good, did you have a good- You had a good day, I guess?
 '''Kacey:''' Well, it was work, you know, so... I just worked.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Puttin' a little more bread on your own table for yourself.
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm.
 '''Chris:''' Very commendable.
 '''Kacey:''' So uh, how's your job search going besides, uh... besides Target?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I got another application to uh, go back online and fill in. But... But yeah, you know, at least I'm making- But yeah, you know, I'm making progress. Eventually, I'll get- Eventually... You know, I'll get da message saying like you know, "Yeah you're hired, come in for the in- or, come in for the interview".
 '''Kacey:''' Hm.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' You should, uh, call in and ask.
 '''Chris:''' Okay.
 '''Kacey:''' You know, make sure they got the application.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that's a good idea, okay. Yeah. Alright I will do that, I will make calls and find out for certain.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, you know, show them you're interested.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Especially- Especially since I know well- I know very well that I can make 980 dollars a month without it affecting my Social.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, you're pretty lucky.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Oh by the way, uh... Yeah I'll let you know- I'll probably let you- I'll probably let you know about this- I wrote up my list of questions to, uh, my Doctor McGovern... Uh, you know, things that uh, you and me and Kim, we talked about a little bit. Um, I wrote 'em out in a letter but unfortunately I was gonna deliver it today, but the office was closed for Labor Day, so...
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, considering my next- Considering my next trip downtown would be Wednesday for the yoga session, I'll drop it off on Wednesday.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh cool, are you gonna send me the questions?
 '''Chris:''' Oh, sure, I'll get- I dunno, would you like me to?
 '''Kacey:''' Um... Sure, why not?
 '''Chris:''' Well-
 '''Kacey:''' I just thought that was why you mentioned it.
 '''Chris:''' Well, no, I mean- I just- I'm just bringin' it up as like, you know, just... You know, just lettin' you know that I'm gonna be inquiring about all that with- with my doctor, sure. Anyway let me- Anyway, I- Anyway... Anyway, basically currently it's five questions, uh... First one is about the, uh, gym membership discount.
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm...
 '''Chris:''' And then the second one's a question about, uh, whether I should get back on the Paroxetine or not. But I mean, I don't- I mean, I think I've been okay with- Off- Off it, you know. I feel like I've been better, but it's like, uhh... I felt more- I feel a little bit more vulnerable to stress, but with uh, practicing the stress ma- More- With more practicing the uh, stress management techniques, I feel like I'm about starting to regain emotional control over dat.
 '''Kacey:''' So that was your anti-depressant?
 '''Chris:''' The, uh, Paxil originally, but then I switched over to Paroxetine... Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, well I mean, are you not taking it anymore, 'cause I mean...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I have not been taking it for a month.
 '''Kacey:''' Well I mean if you're so stressed all the time then maybe you should. I mean, that should be up to your doctor, you should ask him that.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Alright... And then I asked- And then I asked him further about the uh, Lipitor... You know... Uh... I don't remember da question, I've already sealed the envelope. And it was just- It was just- And I have it on my- I have it- I have it on my bed in front of me, and... Hm. I guess I could- I guess I- I guess I can rip it open and send you the questions, anyway. But I'm just lettin' you know in a nutshell.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay.
 '''Chris:''' And then like you know- And then the fourth and fifth questions are about my, uh, penis. Number four being about like you know, whether it should be level, or- or- Or, you know, if bent is normal. Or if like you know, if there's a way of straightening it- Of leveling it out. And then the second question is about like you know, getting a prescription to a penis extension medication pill... That sort of thing.
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Awkward pause]'' Okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yep. ''[Another awkward pause, as Chris prepares to ask what he's always wanted to ask]'' Ahh... Okay, I'll just go ahead and get it out of the way - How BIG was Chris's penis?
 '''Kacey:''' WHAT??!? What??
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, I just- I asked you- I just asked you, how big was Chris's penis?
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Laughing]'' That's a really odd question for you to ask me... Um, but I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you, It was definitely, um, a little around nine inches.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, now I- Okay, shh... I mean, REALLY? Nine inches??
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah... You know, sometimes it hurt, but you know, it was good, and it was thick.
 '''Chris:''' Shoot, mine only gets, like, six to seven inches...
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Laughing]'' I'm sorry, it's just a weird question...
 '''Chris:''' I mean, I just felt like I had to know.
 '''Kacey:''' I mean... Okay... Why do you need to know? I mean, I thought you weren't interested in other people's penises, but just tell me, why'd you need to know?
 '''Chris:''' I mean like, who was the, uh... Supposed- In that sense, who was the bigger man, there.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, I guess he won that. But I just- I don't- Okay... I mean, it was just nine, thick, and straight. It was there...
 '''Chris:''' Okay. Well like, you know, while I'm feeling discomfort in that...
 '''Kacey:''' You're the one who asked about how he rocked my world with it!
 '''Chris:''' Well I did not- I did not necessarily ask how he rocked your world with it, I was just asking how big it was.
 '''Kacey:''' I- Well, I mean, come on... I mean you opened that up.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, but it's like you know... Alright I just pretty much established this with Kim, but... I definitely have an insecurity... And- And that's one of my insecurities, like you know, in comparison to other guys... Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' So you don't like other people's penises, but you want to hear about them so you can compare yourself to them?
 '''Chris:''' No I-
 '''Kacey:''' I don't do that with, like, women's breasts.

==Part 4==

<Center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Kacey-CWC Call 11 Part 4
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|MOoOMltHSlk}}
| Stardate = ???
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[#Part 3|Part 3]]
| next = [[Kacey Call 12]]
}} </Center>

 '''Chris:''' No actually this is the first time I've asked that question, but it's like you know I just felt like I had to know.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, okay, well, I mean, why?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, cuz it's like, you know, I'm def- It just makes me think that like, you know- I have been con- I have been on and off and on about like, you know, increasing the size of mine... But I- And then, it's just like you know, I wasn't sure if the, uh, till- It- I- I mean... For about two separate months, I had been, uh, had taken Extenze. But yeah I just hadn't- I just hadn't seen a big difference. Except for like, you know, just aft- Just after taking it, it definitely showed a maximum of seven inches. Erect. Oh by the way I- By the way, actually measuring it, it's like four inches limp.
 '''Kacey:''' ...Okay. I don't know... Okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but anyway, yeah-
 '''Kacey:''' I just thought the only way to make a big difference is to actually get surgery, but...
 '''Chris:''' I mean haven't you- I mean haven't you seen the, uh- I mean surely- Surely you've heard of the penis extension pills.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah but I thought they weren't supposed to work. I mean, most of them aren't even approved by the FDA and stuff. But I mean, they also say that losing weight helps, they say uh... Every 20 or 30 pounds of fat that you take away, an inch comes back. I don't know if that's true or not, that's probably a rumor.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah it does sound like a rumor.
 '''Kacey:''' Hey, no harm in trying, right?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... At least I'm starting a daily regimen of exercising. And I'm taking the appropriate steps and I'm losing my Buddha Belly...
 '''Kacey:''' Well that's good.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Okay, I'd just hate to end our conversation- End our conversation on such a note, cuz you know, my mind's running- My mind's running blank right now.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay, well um... I'll go ahead and talk to you, I guess, tomorrow. Unless you wanna ask any more questions about Chris's penis, I guess. ''[Laughs]''
 '''Chris:''' I'm not gonna ask any more questions that. ''[Laughs]'' Okay. Alright, well I- Okay, well yeah, good laugh, good laugh, that's a way to end a good- end a conversation well. Okay. Alright well, I'll let you go and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay, alright, bye.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, yeah alright, bye-bye.

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?fgvc20aqdd5g5x5 mp3 of phonecall]

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 10]]|nextlink=[[Kacey Call 12]]}}

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Trolling]]
[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category:Liquid Saga]]

Trolls

2011-11-24T09:06:02Z

TheJerk:

{{quote|they are vicious, crazy, wickedly smart people.|[[Chris]] on trolls<ref>[[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]]</ref>}}
{{quote|What a world we live in, with such trolls in it.|[[Blake]], in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]].}}[[Image:REALChrisChanAndFriends.jpg|center]]
[[Image:Faceless Trolls.png|thumb|120px|The Furies]]
[[Image:Ff7troll.png|thumb|300px|Now for the [[Hex Box]].]]

'''Trolls''' (numbered about seven billion strong) are the various individuals of all races, colors, and creeds united under a common goal - to ruin the [[Internet]]'s most beloved and most hated [[autistic]] manchild, [[Christian Weston Chandler]].

Trolling schemes by these individuals have ranged from hacking CWC's websites to making him take [[Nudes|nude pics]] and more.

==Pre-ED==
It is notable that Chris was bullied IRL before his discovery by [[4-cent garbage.com|4chan]] and [[ED]]. It can be argued that the first known torment of Chris occurred when his life-long-friend-who-no-longer-speaks-to-him, [[Sarah Hammer]], [[Chris + Sarah's Life-Shares#Memories of childhood|locked him under the house]] and tried to feed him a poisonous [[Wikipedia:Honeysuckle|Honeysuckle]] when they were children. The next notable bullying occurred during the infamous mini-date with [[Hanna]] in [[2005]] which smashed his [[heart level]] to 15%. Around the same time, he was also trolled by a girl he contacted through [[MySpace]] named [[MySpace messages#Lindsay|Lindsay Kaye]]. There was also possible trolling of Chris through the guestbook on his website from as early as [[2003]], when "a hot redhead" said that she would meet him outside of [[PVCC]] (either this was epic trolling, or Chris put it on the guestbook himself). And let's not forget about [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and [[The GAMe PLACe]] hijinks.

But this was all child's play compared to what happened next....

== The Few, the Proud, the Elite ==

===Asperpedia Four===
Includes Alec Benson Leary (the creator of ''[[Asperchu]]''), [[Evan]] (the creator of ''Simonchu'', and therefore [[Simonla]]), Sean August Watley (the creator of ''Moon-Pals''), and Mao (the creator of the Asperpedia, which brought them all together).

[[Image:SirWilliamMaysOBE.jpg|left|80px|thumb|BILLY]]

=== [[BILLY MAYS]] ===
The individual who trolls as the loud-mouthed salesman of the same name, who types in ALL CAPS, and was declared the mayor of [[CWCville]] by Chris on 3 March 2009 while under pressure from [[BlueSpike#Max|Max]]. It is widely suspected that Chris himself had something to do with his untimely [[Chris and death|death]].

=== [[Blanca Weiss]] ===
[[Image:Blanka.jpg|80px|thumb|Blanca's true identity.]]

"Blanca" was really a trio of trolls (RickyRicardo123, Ickeriss69, and Nurse Icky-chan) who tricked Chris into sending them nudes, and later his [[Medallions of Fail|Sonichu medallion]]. Ickeriss later uploaded a couple of [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofqcc7VOn1k videos] featuring the Sonichu medallion, including a video in which the medallion is destroyed.

Not to be confused with [[Trolls#Lordsillynipples|LordSillyNipples]], who used the Blanca identity to score the first nudes.

=== [[BlueSpike]] ===
BlueSpike (AKA "LeonSpike", aka "Julie", aka "Max") is a thirteen-year-old boy who pretended to be Chris's [[sweetheart]] "Julie". He later revealed himself as a troll in a now infamous [[Julie Reveals Herself|hour-long audio recording]] in which he berates Christian and makes him stick his Sonichu medallion in his ass.

[[Image:BryanBash.jpg|thumb|left|80px|Bryan Bash (right) with your sister (left).]]

=== Bryan Bash ===
Bryan Bash is a close friend of [[Clyde Cash]]. He is the one who [[Hooker incident|sent hookers over to Chris's house]], as well as the person who called during the infamous [[Bob Walks In|"Bob Walks In"]] audio file, and is responsible for leaking [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg|an image]] of Chris having sex with the members of his ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' band (including a [[niggo]]). Additionally, he leaked the [[Father Call]] and the [[Kacey and Liquid Call]] to [[/cwc/]] on 11 November, [[2009]], and he has also leaked conversations between [[Chris]] and [[Jack Thaddeus]].

=== [[Clyde Cash]] ===

[[image:TheRealClydeCash.jpg|thumb|80px|right|Clyde Cash.The man.The legend.The guido]]

The nefarious [[Clyde Cash]] is the most infamous and legendary of bullies. A vile and reprehensible fellow whose very name strikes fear and revulsion into Chris's clogged heart and inspires admiration from the souls of bullies. He posed as [[Shigeru Miyamoto]], raped Chris's beloved [[PandaHalo]], and performed many more amazing feats about which songs shall be written and the minstrels shall sing of in the ages immemorial. Unfortunately it will not come to pass since Clyde is serving a life sentence for stealing the identity of Lee Hotti.

=== [[Emily]] ===
A brave soul who went on a date with Chris. She was later saved by the [[Man in the Pickle Suit|Jew in the Pickle Suit]].

[[File:Ahuvia.png|thumb|left|80px|Jack Thaddeus]]

=== [[Jack Thaddeus]] ===
The possible successor (and gay lover) of Clyde Cash and is responsible for various [[PS3#PlayStation Network|PSN]]-related trollings and also for the [[CWCipedia]] ads.

[[File:Jimmuh hill.jpg|thumb|80px|Jimmy Hill]]

=== [[Jimmy Hill]] ===
Jimmy Hill (full name James William Thomas Hill, OBE) is the true original creator of Sonichu, the first openly gay cartoon character that became very popular in Europe back in 2009. He has since retired as a billionaire.

=== [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] ===
The original creator of the [[ED]] page.

=== [[Man in the Pickle Suit|The Jew in the Pickle Suit]] ===
An IRL pickleman who answers to Clyde Cash. He saved Emily from the clutches of Chris.

[[Image:CChanSonichuCWC.jpg|thumb|left|80px|The REAL Chris]]

=== [[Liquid Chris]] ===
A [[YouTube]] troll who is known for doing a spot-on impersonation of Chris-chan. Within his saga, Liquid Chris is referred to as the [[TRUE and HONEST]] Chris-chan and creator of the popular comic character Sonichu, and Solid is referred to as an angry troll named [[Ian Brandon Anderson]], who made outlandish claims that he was the real Chris.

=== Lordsillynipples ===
A troll from [[ED]] who was responsible for impersonating [[Blanca]] and being the first to obtain the now [[Pickles|infamous Chris-chan Noodz]] on 11 September 2008, along with [[Chris's DVD]]. She is also responsible for creating the [[Man in the Pickle Suit]] and for feeding Chris the infamous guido picture of [[Clyde]].

=== [[Robert Simmons V]] ===
A YouTube troll who managed to gain Chris's trust by showing him support and mirroring his life. Along with [[Church audio|visiting Chris's church]] and meeting [[Bob Chandler|Bob]], he also had a hand in organizing the [[Emily Date Conversation Transcript|Emily date]].

=== [[Shigeru Miyamoto]] ===
Shigeru Miyamoto (Japanese: 宮本茂) is the creator of some of Nintendo's most legendary video game franchises such as Mario, Zelda, and Star Fox. Who in 2009 took time out of his busy schedule to troll chris by pretending to be interested in his [[sonichu|yellow sonic abortion]].

[[image:Tito 300.gif|thumb|80px|Surfshack Tito]]

=== [[Surfshack Tito (troll)|Surfshack Tito]] ===

An enigmatic troll who managed to invoke Chris's wrath on [[Surfshack Tito|two]] [[Tito Got No Luck Against We Brits, Irish and Scots!|separate]] occasions by hacking his PSN and taking the blame for ruining Chris's slim chances with [[The Wallflower]]. Recently, he has been involved in the destruction of Chris's beloved [[PS3]].

[[image:TH.PNG|thumb|80px|left|Thorg]]

=== [[Thorg]] ===
A troll responsible for creating a [[20 December 2009|slanderous billboard]] in 2009 and exposing [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] in 2011. A major part of Chris's 2011 [[Calling Out|blackmail campaign]].

[[image:Vivian.jpg|thumb|80px|Vivian]]

===[[Vivian Gee]]===
The creator of the ''Sonichu'' [[audiobooks]] and various other Chris-related videos and cousin of Clyde Cash. A former white knight who turned troll after she realized Chris was a [[Vivian Gee E-mails|hopeless, thick-skulled moron]].
{{clear}}

==Devil Trolls==
[[Image:DevilTroll.jpg|thumb|left|Artist's depiction.]]
[[File:ModNation TrollFemale.jpg|thumb|Featured in ''[[ModNation Racers]]''.]]

Aside from the several notable figures above, the '''Devil Trolls''' are mysterious, evil creatures that appear in Chris's ''[[Sonichu]]'' comic series. These creatures are first mentioned in [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]] and make their first full appearance in [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]].

Like many beings within Chris's comics, the Devil Trolls are inspired by his encounters in real life. Devil Trolls represent the various trolls that have given him such [[stress]] over his lifetime. This is shown when Chris encounters a set of them attacking a room containing his stuff from one of his earlier websites.

The Devil Trolls make their first mentioned appearance as some sort of grass protrusions taking away the fallen "[[IBAChandler]]" after Sonichu defeats him in ''Sonichu'' #9. They make their full appearance in ''Sonichu'' #10, as [[Chris-Chan Sonichu]] encounters them inside a room containing his pictures from his various websites. Seeing as Chris can't create anything without ripping off original designs, Devil Trolls resemble [[Wikipedia:Troll doll|those old Troll toys]], minus their gems, with long tails and demon-like wings. They also sport sharp teeth.
{{clear}}

== Motivations ==
[[File:Trollll.PNG|thumb|Drawing of a troll appearing in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]].]]

===Chris's perspective===
Chris himself has a more simplistic view of what motivates his enemies. When a [[Mailbag]] correspondent asked him to explain why he's trolled, and why so many people seem to hate him, Chris had this ingenious response:

{{quote|"Tehy're just jealous that they did not think of [[Sonichu]] first, or that I am more [[Chris and art|Artistically Talented]] than they are."|[[Chris]], [[Mailbag 5|Mailbag #5]]}}

This is consistent with the advice given many children who are IRL trolled in school: that bullies are merely jealous of you, and want to see you react unfavorably. Since Chris [[Count Graduon|never moved past]] [[Manchester High School|high school]] mentally, he still believes he is hated because he is so much better than everyone else.

From his own attempts to illustrate trolling, it's obvious that Chris has no concept of how it works. When he tried his hand at impersonation, he thought that we'd all be trolled if he pretended to be an epic troll, but then [[Jack|a troll]] saw through his lie and forced him to admit that he is, indeed, a fat idiot. Chris believes that trolling has two steps: pretend to be someone you're not and then "troll" someone by revealing who you really are. [[Silvana]], a character based on his perception of forum trolls who claim to be people they aren't, thinks it's hilarious to pretend to be [[Meg Griffin]], kiss Chris, and then transform once she's out of sight. As a result, Chris walks away happy, unaware that he just kissed a tranny, defeating the entire point of "trolling" him.

Recently, it seems that he's decided that the majority of his hated trolls are actually homosexuals, combining his two major hates into one massive force of nature. The earliest this is seen is [http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Mailbag&oldid=3208|a message he wrote] in his Mailbag section, exploding in rage over an added [[Twitter]] and how they could talk about him behind his back. Even more, in his [[Damien Antaria (CWCipedia Page)|CWCipedia article on The Wallflower]], Chris has also decided that the trolls are also [[niggos|black]].

Unsurprisingly, Chris also considers trolling a ''crime'', and has somehow dedicated himself to stop trolling. However, Chris's views on trolling are very very skewed, as he believes that ''all'' trolling is equal to what he had done to him. A [[EXCLUSIVE Manchester High School 2000 Reunion Required NOW|recent video]] actually has him tell people how to act on the Internet [[Chris and hypocrisy|mere moments after revealing his real name, address, and phone number]].

===His parents' perspective===
The [[Matthew Noble call]] in August 2010 revealed some interesting insights into Bob and Barbara Chandler's interpretation of what has happened to their son over the years. Chris's parents are apparently convinced that the entire Chris-chan Trolldom grew out of a conspiracy by Michael Snyder, two alleged homosexuals who frequented The GAMe PLACe (possibly [[Lucas]] and [[Mimms]]), and ''[[Megan Schroeder]]'', who worked to get Chris banned from the store and are involved with a general effort to harass and torment Chris. When speaking with Ivy, Bob described Megan with words like "cruel" and "German". Bob was convinced that it is all because they are persecuting Chris for being autistic, while in reality he was scaring away customers with his behavior and sexually harassing Megan.

It's useful to try to consider things from his parents' point of view. To begin with, there ''is'' a worldwide conspiracy, more or less, to pester the Chandlers, violate their privacy, drive their son to do ridiculous things, and otherwise fuck with them in myriad ways. Bob and Barbara are bombarded by prank phone calls all day, nude photos, God knows what else arrive in their mail, signs mysteriously appearing on their lawn, Chris having [[Kacey and Liquid Call|angry screaming matches]] with people they've never met on the telephone, Chris once drove off to Ohio to meet [[Julie|a woman who didn't exist]], and so on.

Being Chris's parents must be a fairly surreal experience at this point, and given that they belong to a much older generation, they can hardly be expected to develop the grasp of Internet social phenomena that they'd need to properly understand their situation. The GAMe PLACe, however small a piece of the bigger picture it may be, is the most significant real, physical element of Chris's adventures in trolldom that they've been exposed to. As ridiculous as their theory may seem, it's probably the best they can do as far as making sense of what has happened and continues to happen to them.

==See also==
* [[4-cent garbage.com]]
* [[CWCki]]
* [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]
* [[PVCC (Message Board)|PVCC]]
* [[Rollin' and Trollin']]
* [[White knight]]

==References==
<references/>

{{Trolls}}
{{People}}

[[Category:Trolls]]
[[Category:Lists]]

Vivitheg's AIM chat

2011-11-24T08:05:12Z

TheJerk: /* Highlights of the chat */ Um, this needs to be emphasized more.

One day in late [[2008]], our fellow [[Vivitheg]] was fed up with [[Chris]]'s bullshit and thought it was time to talk some damn sense into him. After rummaging around the Internet for a while, she finally found Chris's AOL account, so she proceeded to have a '''chat''' with Chris, trying to address his many personal and psychological issues, from the [[Megan Schroeder]] saga, to his [[Attraction Sign]] and his arrest by [[jerkops]], to the first [[trolling]]s from 2008.

After three long, excruciating hours, during which Chris presumably slipped on cat dung and knocked the Internet gateway, [[Vivitheg]] declared defeat. Chris proved to be so stubborn, self-centered and unable to take responsibility for his actions, that any attempt to reason with him failed. Any time Vivi made him think about his actions, the answer she received from Chris was always one of his stock phrases. Never did she manage to get him to think about his actions, thus cementing the theory that Chris is self-centered and always thinks he's right.

Fortunately for Vivian and the [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens (message board)|PVCC]] forums, the resulting chat log was of the first insights on Chris's mind, and the psychological information obtained from its analysis proved to be decisive for the coordinated trollings in [[2009]].

The following section has a series of highlights from the chat. The major ones are italicized.

'''PROTIP:''' On Windows Vista, type Control-G in Notepad to fire up a Go To Line dialog. On Windows XP and older, copy the chat and paste it on a real text editor like [http://www.flos-freeware.ch/notepad2.html Notepad2] or [http://notepad-plus.sourceforge.net Notepad++]

== Highlights of the chat ==
* Line 25: ''Even though [[Megan]] made it more than clear there's nothing more going on between her and Chris, he's still waiting for her''.
* Line 35: He thinks all his documents posted on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] were twisted and mangled, when they're in fact present intact and raw.
* Line 56: ''Even after being trolled, he still believed the girls were lining up at his feet over the phone and the Internet''.
* Line 127: Aside from total devotion to him, Chris doesn't have much of a clear idea of what he wants in a woman. His desires are mostly generic: "a nice, honest personality, ability to care about me genuinely, able to love me for me".
* Lines 100, 134, 192, 236, 239, 269, 294, 395, 401, 436, 446, 592, 672: ''Chris seems to be incapable of introspecting and solving problems''. Quite often, when asked to think about something personal for him or when asked to do something, he just BAWWWWWs and blurts out one of his stock phrases: "I feel stupid", "I am only Human, and a Virgin", "How am I supposed to know better [...] if I have not had EVEN MY [[Dating|FIRST DATE]]?", "but I AM STILL SOCIALLY SHY!", "with my friggin' autism mental block, it's easier said than done", "I lack self-confidence", "I'M JUST TOO DAMN SHY AND NOT SELF-FRIGGIN-CONFIDENT!", "I'm in pain, stress, heart-confused", "I am DUMB on the Relationship, Dating and all those subjects",
[[Image:Slippedincatcrap.jpg|thumb|right|Artist's depiction of line 161.]]
* Line 161: Chris goes out to clean some cat dung at his kitchen, but he slipped and "made a mess".
* Line 170: Chris admits he failed to achieve any kind of progress during his [[Love Quest]] ever since 2003.
* Line 192: Chris still thinks he can't grasp the basics of dating without a first date, regardless of how much people in the world already know the basics while on their way to their first date.
* Line 212: He still thinks Encyclopedia Dramatica has the fault for the drama between Chris, Megan, and [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|the Rule 34 drawing]].
* Line 258: Every now and then, he blurts out some non-sequitur about his life or his sexual desires. Instead of controlling them, he justifies them by saying it's his half of the discussion, and he can say anything that pops up in his "Random Access Memory" (not the same as a computer RAM).
* Line 309: Singles bars are strictly verboten for Chris, as he irrationally views these places as too dark and "smokey, drinkey"; basically, the whole purpose of a singles bar.
* Line 317: ''He still hangs out at the library looking for girls''. Only difference is, instead of doing it at [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|PVCC]], he does it at the [[University of Virginia]]...
* Line 332: ... and he still thinks the library is a place where people go to hang out and find a Sweetheart...
* Lines 352-367: ... probably because he thinks people who just happened to find their friends at the library and give each other a hug are people who just found their Sweetheart.
* Line 402: He still thinks his "educational porn" is a good idea to learn about sex.
* Line 403: ''He still thinks "[[Dating Education]]" should be a curricular subject on all schools''...
* Line 407: ... ''and he fervently defends this''.
* Line 411: He thinks reaching your third date with a girl automatically entitles you to the right of having sex with her.
* Line 446: Chris is obviously unaware of the impression he's causing by calling himself an unconfident, high-functional autistic virgin.
* Line 496: ''Chris sucks so much at talking to girls, he freezes up even when rehearsing at home with his Lego figures''.
* Lines 501-510: He thinks we care about his Electric-Hedgehogs Sonichu and Rosechu.
* Line 536: He usually doesn't think Sonic the Hedgehog is a kiddie video game when it obviously ''is''.
* Line 545: ''And if he does thinks it's childish, he thinks drawing his electric-hedgehogs having sex automatically makes him very mature''.
* Line 556: He sees nothing wrong with doing it, to boot.
* Line 572: '''''Chris does not believe in maturity'''''.
* Line 603: He still insists on whitewashing his misbehavior at the mall and blaming [[Scotpalazzo]] and the [[Jerkops]] for it.
* Line 620: After being v& by the mall security, he was also partially b& from the mall: he can only go with his parents...
* Lines 625-658: ... ''and yet, he still thinks his ban was unjustified and thinks being emotionally hurt gives him permission to loudly BAWWWWW in the middle of the mall''.
* Line 718: He thinks therapists are useless, that everything can be fixed "with a close gal-pal".
* Line 731: He would rather eat a cube of shit than selling his stuff...
* Line 759: ... excuses him claiming he needs no money because he can find counsel with his church...
* Line 763: ... ''and thinks like a Xenufag who claims his church is better than any psychiatrist''.
* Lines 770-800: He can't have a view on Christianity other than a fundamentalist one, because he can only read literally what the Bible says.
* Line 817: Lastly, ''religious tolerance is beyond Chris's understanding'', as he can only believe that God and Jesus are true, instead of knowing and acknowledging the existence and beliefs of people professing other religions. Case in point: Vivitheg is Daoist, but the sole fact that she doesn't believe in GodJesus makes him uncomfortable.

==The Chat==
'''CWCSonichu:''' Hey, Vivian. How are you?
 CWCSonichu returned at 11:23:03 AM.
 '''VIVItheG:''' I want to make sure however, this is the actual Chris.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I've been working on the [[deviantART]] page.
 '''VIVItheG:''' There have been so many fakes recently.
 '''VIVItheG:''' That I've tried to get into contact with
 '''VIVItheG:''' only to be trolled
 '''CWCSonichu:''' if you have a question to ask me that can confirm me to you; fire away.
 '''VIVItheG:''' well I don't know anything the real chris would know
 '''CWCSonichu:''' Also, I know that I did send you a few e-mails about the deviantART page, and asking you if I can add yours, as long as I quote you, from my ChrisChanSonichu@aol.com account.
 '''VIVItheG:''' oh okay
 '''VIVItheG:''' that works.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' good.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' did you read the e-mails?
 '''VIVItheG:''' yes
 '''CWCSonichu:''' good.
 '''VIVItheG:''' do you believe [[panda]] is a troll now?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'm on the CWCSonichu AIM only, to wait for [[Megan]] to reveal her real self to me.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' not yet.
 '''VIVItheG:''' what, real self?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' you see, an impostor likely has hacked into her old yahoo e-mail account, and has been sending me e-mails; I can tell in the messages of those e-mails that they were coming from the impostor.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I know that Megan may still have her AIM account name, so I'm waiting to talk to her
 through there, so I can update her on the recent events for real, if possible.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Chris...I...I don't know what to say
 '''CWCSonichu:''' it's alright.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Didn't megan make herself clear that she wanted to stop talking to you?
 '''VIVItheG:''' I'm only going by what those e-mails said
 '''VIVItheG:''' but i have no idea what happened in real life
 '''VIVItheG:''' so other things could have happened
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I've actually talked to her through the AIM a few weeks ago; it's all okay between her and me as just friends now. :-)
 '''CWCSonichu:''' damn those bullies to twist things in the e-mails out of proportion.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Well, they weren't really twisted
 '''VIVItheG:''' They were just the raw e-mails posted
 '''VIVItheG:''' Left to our interpretation
 '''VIVItheG:''' they did no twisting, chris
 '''CWCSonichu:''' that's not important to me right now.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' back to Panda; do you have any concrete evidence to prove her to be a troll?
 '''VIVItheG:''' no
 '''CWCSonichu:''' okay, then.
 '''VIVItheG:''' but i do have evidence that she is going to break up the relationship with you
 '''CWCSonichu:''' what is your source?
 '''VIVItheG:''' http://pandahalo.deviantart.com/
 '''VIVItheG:''' That is the revelations of last night
 '''CWCSonichu:''' let me look.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' my response: Holy Crap.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' :-(
 '''VIVItheG:''' I have no proof that she is a troll, I'll admit that
 '''VIVItheG:''' But it seems too damn likely that girls are just lining up at your feet
 '''CWCSonichu:''' could you elaborate further in that statement?
 '''VIVItheG:''' How many girls have wanted to start a relationship with you
 '''VIVItheG:''' let's say as of one month ago
 '''CWCSonichu:''' In Person, NO WOMEN HAVE "Lined Up at my Feet". On the internet and in recent phone calls, I guess so.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' so, I can't fully agree with your statement.
 '''VIVItheG:''' exactly chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' no woman IN PERSON
 '''VIVItheG:''' it's so easy to manipulate people over the internet
 '''CWCSonichu:''' ...
 '''VIVItheG:''' you can't start an honest relationship on the internet
 '''VIVItheG:''' it's nearly impossible chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' there are so many trolls out there right now
 '''CWCSonichu:''' damn it.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' this really grinds my gears.
 '''VIVItheG:''' what
 '''VIVItheG:''' what does
 '''CWCSonichu:''' this whole thing right now.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' what I'm hearing from you, what I've just read on Panda's entry; it grinds my gears.
 '''VIVItheG:''' the truth is hard to face chris
 '''CWCSonichu:''' *[[sigh]]*
 '''CWCSonichu:''' And so, the world continues to play the world's favorite game of "[[Kick the Autistic]]". I'm gonna need all the luck I can get. *Game Over*
 '''VIVItheG:''' Chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' You have to realize something
 '''VIVItheG:''' Sometimes we even forget you are autistic
 '''VIVItheG:''' It is your person
 '''VIVItheG:''' that is turning people away from you
 '''VIVItheG:''' not your autism
 '''CWCSonichu:''' my person?
 '''VIVItheG:''' yes
 '''VIVItheG:''' look
 '''VIVItheG:''' I read the things you said with kawaiikitsune
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and?
 '''VIVItheG:''' She was a geniunely nice person
 '''VIVItheG:''' she wasn't trying to troll you
 '''CWCSonichu:''' yes she was.
 '''VIVItheG:''' she was trying to help you
 '''CWCSonichu:''' no she wasn't
 '''VIVItheG:''' what do you mean no she wasn't
 '''VIVItheG:''' explain that
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a troll
 '''VIVItheG:''' oh okay
 '''VIVItheG:''' right
 '''VIVItheG:''' She was trying to help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' the only reason she wanted to forge any relationship with you was to help you
 '''CWCSonichu:''' Well, I feel stupid.
 '''VIVItheG:''' chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' you can't just write that off as "i feel stupid"
 '''VIVItheG:''' you really have to look at what you said to her
 '''CWCSonichu:''' well, I do right now feel stupid. stupid and blind of obvious things.
 '''VIVItheG:''' What do YOU think turned her away from you?
 '''VIVItheG:''' I want to know what YOU think
 '''VIVItheG:''' this is the only way I can help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' If I tell you what I think, that won't help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' because we can have completely different answers
 '''CWCSonichu:''' let me read the words.
 '''VIVItheG:''' http://kawaiikitsune123.deviantart.com/
 '''CWCSonichu:''' that's what I'm looking at.
 '''VIVItheG:''' alright.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' after reading the messages from me, I'm not sure what to think.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' or feel
 '''VIVItheG:''' what?
 '''VIVItheG:''' you sent them! you should know!
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I just don't know; those were much earlier messages, and I've been under a lot of stress, moments of happiness, and whatnot. the new bunches of informations pushed a lot of thoughts from then out of my head.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' *sigh*
 '''VIVItheG:''' You have to watch what you say
 '''VIVItheG:''' I mean no guy talks like that to a woman
 '''VIVItheG:''' Ever
 '''VIVItheG:''' I mean, you shouldn't even be on the topic of physical contact
 '''VIVItheG:''' What do you want in a woman?
 '''VIVItheG:''' Besides looks.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a nice, honest personality, ability to care about me genuinely, able to love me for me. [[China|I can't say other internal details off the top of my head]].
 '''VIVItheG:''' That's acceptable I guess
 '''VIVItheG:''' I mean who wants a person that's not nice
 '''VIVItheG:''' I mean those are fairly generic
 '''VIVItheG:''' Everyone should look for someone who cares about them
 '''VIVItheG:''' I mean that's given in a relationship
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I am only Human, and a [[Virgin]]; I'M GOING TO MAKE A LOT OF TRIALS AND ERRORS that may sound unsound.
 '''VIVItheG:''' How many years has it been chris
 '''CWCSonichu:''' since when?
 '''VIVItheG:''' Since you started your so called "[[love quest]]"
 '''VIVItheG:''' it shouldn't even be called a love quest
 '''CWCSonichu:''' my Sweetheart Search started the Summer of 2003; after I turned 21
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay about 5 years
 '''VIVItheG:''' How much progress do YOU think you've made and tell me why
 '''CWCSonichu:''' greater than 5 years.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' let me think...
 '''CWCSonichu:''' it started with the realization of the infinitely-high boyfriend factor,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' then I thought of using [[Attraction Sign|signs for attraction]],
 '''CWCSonichu:''' then trying to put the word as inexpensively as possible in newsletters, or whatever
 '''CWCSonichu:''' ,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' Met Megan,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' Lost Megan,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and the [[Jerkops]] thwarted my Sweetheart Search numerous times, making it obvious that [[Virgina is for Virgins]]; NOT LOVERS,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' Sonichu fanbase rose greatly; chatted with female fans,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' built up a bit of confidence between Blanca, Sarah J and Panda, with wandering, learning heart,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' CHAOS from the Trolls,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' desperate for True, Honest Relationship,
 '''VIVItheG:''' is that it?
 '''VIVItheG:''' that doesn't answer
 '''VIVItheG:''' how much progress do YOU THINK YOU'VE MADE
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I WAS NOT FINISHED; I HAD TO CLEAN UP SOME [[Chandler Cats|CAT]] CRAP, AND SLIPPED AND MADE A MESS IN MY KITCHEN!
 '''CWCSonichu:''' GOD!
 '''VIVItheG:''' alright sorry
 CWCSonichu signed off at 12:10:13 PM.
 CWCSonichu signed on at 12:13:33 PM.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' continuing,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' felt somewhat desperate, and socially flushed, to have my first intercourse,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' LEARNED A LOT,
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I guess NO FREAKIN' PROGRESS! DAMN IT!
 '''VIVItheG:''' exactly chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' no progress
 '''VIVItheG:''' What do YOU think you've been doing wrong.
 cwcsonichu signed off at 12:17:18 PM.
 cwcsonichu signed on at 12:20:16 PM.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' are you there?
 '''VIVItheG:''' what's happening?
 '''VIVItheG:''' your internet unstable what?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' banged my head on the dresser; had my cable modem and wi-fi router on the top of it; toppled over, causing connection chaos.
 '''VIVItheG:''' anyway
 '''CWCSonichu:''' *sigh*
 '''VIVItheG:''' last thing i said was
 '''VIVItheG:''' what
 '''VIVItheG:''' righto
 '''CWCSonichu:''' did you get what I typed?
 '''VIVItheG:''' What do you think you're doing wrong
 '''VIVItheG:''' yes i did
 '''VIVItheG:''' and i've heard it before
 '''VIVItheG:''' so it's nothing really new
 '''VIVItheG:''' So I just want to know what you think you're doing wrong
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I don't know; I'M A VIRGIN!
 '''CWCSonichu:''' HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW BETTER, RELATIONSHIP-WISE?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' if I have not had EVEN MY FIRST DATE.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' A lot of people have first dates
 '''VIVItheG:''' do you think they know everything then?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' maybe not, but the majority of them had their First Dates in their EARLY TEENAGE YEARS.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' *sigh*
 '''VIVItheG:''' and still
 '''VIVItheG:''' some people don't
 '''CWCSonichu:''' still in pain from cleaning up that crap.
 '''VIVItheG:''' so there are still people who are nervous about their first date
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and slipping on the floor, banging my head.
 '''VIVItheG:''' sorry about that
 '''VIVItheG:''' that is a lot of accidents in a short amount of time...
 '''CWCSonichu:''' that's not your fault.
 '''VIVItheG:''' anyway.
 '''VIVItheG:''' What do you think went wrong with Megan
 '''CWCSonichu:''' call me possibly clumsy.
 '''VIVItheG:''' and I'll tell you what I think went wrong
 '''CWCSonichu:''' In PROTEST against that [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|ED page]], right after I found it last November, I drew my FIRST [[Rule 34|Sexual Drawings]], including [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|that one between me and Megan]]; friggin' bastards twisted it to their evil, instead of leaving it alone for my PROTEST.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' she saw it, and that was that; "I need my space."
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I wish I had never found that friggin' page.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' IN the first place.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Chris, sadly that's not the answer i wanted to hear
 '''VIVItheG:''' but first i'll address this
 '''VIVItheG:''' You drew that picture
 '''VIVItheG:''' It was your fault
 '''VIVItheG:''' Not ED.
 '''VIVItheG:''' You have to accept that.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I DID, LONG AGO.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I had to be a Protestor.
 '''VIVItheG:''' well you seem to imply you blame ED in that answer above
 '''CWCSonichu:''' HAD TO
 '''VIVItheG:''' chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' everytime
 '''VIVItheG:''' you do something
 '''VIVItheG:''' the page gets bigger
 '''VIVItheG:''' do you know why
 '''CWCSonichu:''' they basically monitor EVERY MOVE I MAKE.
 '''VIVItheG:''' on the internet
 '''VIVItheG:''' so do you know what you must do
 '''CWCSonichu:''' get more social, but I AM STILL SOCIALLY SHY!
 '''VIVItheG:''' get over it
 '''VIVItheG:''' just get over it.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' with my friggin' autism mental block, it's easier said than done.
 '''VIVItheG:''' chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' You are better off than most people with autism
 '''VIVItheG:''' You're very lucky
 '''VIVItheG:''' I know people with autism, they can hardly talk.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' you don't think I already knew that?
 '''VIVItheG:''' Think about what they go through
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I've seen Rain Man
 '''VIVItheG:''' exactly.
 '''VIVItheG:''' So get over it.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Now
 '''VIVItheG:''' about megan
 '''VIVItheG:''' the response I wanted to hear
 '''VIVItheG:''' was that she explicitly said
 '''VIVItheG:''' that she wanted to JUST BE FRIENDS
 '''VIVItheG:''' and that should have been the end of it
 '''VIVItheG:''' once a woman tells a man no, they have to respect that
 '''VIVItheG:''' if the man keeps pressing on, then the woman will be irritated and then probably lose that friendship
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I have my dreams that God gave to me, and I have to see my [[Crystal Weston Chandler]] be Born. But I need my [[Sweetheart]] first.
 '''VIVItheG:''' what does that have to do
 '''VIVItheG:''' with anything i just said
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I DON'T KNOW; it's my half of the discussion; I can say anything that randomly pops up in my [[Random Access Humor|Random Access Memory]].
 '''VIVItheG:''' what
 '''CWCSonichu:''' it's too random in my opinion.
 '''VIVItheG:''' can you stop from doing that
 '''VIVItheG:''' well you acknowledge that it is
 '''VIVItheG:''' so maybe you can stop yourself
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I lack self-confidence.
 '''VIVItheG:''' what
 '''VIVItheG:''' what does that have to do with stopping yourself from saying something you already know is "too random"
 '''VIVItheG:''' and then this doesn't even have to do with megan
 '''VIVItheG:''' and the fact that she just wanted to be friends
 '''VIVItheG:''' god we are off on so many subjects now i can hardly keep track
 '''CWCSonichu:''' Forget about Megan.
 '''VIVItheG:''' That is some good advice i hope YOU will take
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I can hardly keep track myself.
 '''VIVItheG:''' to forget about megan.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I meant for you to stop talking about her.
 '''VIVItheG:''' chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' I want you
 '''VIVItheG:''' to acknowledge
 '''VIVItheG:''' that all you will be with her
 '''VIVItheG:''' is just friends
 '''VIVItheG:''' You need to find another person
 '''VIVItheG:''' Go out into the world
 '''VIVItheG:''' and look
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I have acknowledged that a long time ago.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Good.
 '''VIVItheG:''' That is good.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I have been looking
 '''VIVItheG:''' where
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I"M JUST TOO DAMN SHY AND NOT SELF_FRIGGIN"_CONFIDENT
 '''VIVItheG:''' BE MORE CONFIDENT
 '''CWCSonichu:''' IN Charlottesville.
 '''VIVItheG:''' well where exactly
 '''VIVItheG:''' what places
 '''CWCSonichu:''' that's easier said than done; i've said that before.
 '''VIVItheG:''' single's bar
 '''CWCSonichu:''' UVA
 '''CWCSonichu:''' NO
 '''CWCSonichu:''' !
 '''VIVItheG:''' why not there
 '''VIVItheG:''' that seems
 '''VIVItheG:''' like a very good place
 '''VIVItheG:''' in my opinion to start looking
 '''VIVItheG:''' you know
 '''CWCSonichu:''' [[Tobacky|smokey]], [[Alcohol|drunk]]; turn-offs!!
 '''CWCSonichu:''' too dark too.
 '''VIVItheG:''' go during the day.
 '''VIVItheG:''' there are bound to be other people like you
 '''VIVItheG:''' who are looking
 '''VIVItheG:''' you can't just write off a place
 '''VIVItheG:''' because it "stereotypically"
 '''VIVItheG:''' has those kinds of people
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I GO TO THE UVA"S ALDERMANLIBRARY: VERY POPULATED OFTEN
 '''VIVItheG:''' you don't know that
 '''VIVItheG:''' what's uva
 '''CWCSonichu:''' University Of Virginia.
 '''VIVItheG:''' i'm just saying
 '''VIVItheG:''' typically
 '''VIVItheG:''' at a university
 '''VIVItheG:''' that age range
 '''VIVItheG:''' 18-23 ish
 '''VIVItheG:''' i'm guessing
 '''VIVItheG:''' maybe too young?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' RIGHT IN MY ALLEY.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' NO
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'm looking for 18-26
 '''VIVItheG:''' and how do you look for women...in a library
 '''CWCSonichu:''' there is a lounge.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' in the library
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and a coffee shop
 '''CWCSonichu:''' you tell me
 '''VIVItheG:''' well
 '''VIVItheG:''' at my college
 '''VIVItheG:''' in the library
 '''CWCSonichu:''' it is a very popular place.
 '''VIVItheG:''' people like to study
 '''VIVItheG:''' that's what I do
 '''VIVItheG:''' i don't go to a library
 '''VIVItheG:''' thinking about getting a boyfriend
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a lot of people go to the library looking for their sweetheart.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' it's just a matter of being there at the right time.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and not being fucking autistic and shy!
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'm sorry.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'm on edge right now.
 '''VIVItheG:''' why are you apologizing?
 '''VIVItheG:''' i'm trying to think of someway to explain this to you
 '''VIVItheG:''' how many people have you seen
 '''CWCSonichu:''' well, I just cursed for one thing, in a loud way.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a lot.
 '''VIVItheG:''' "hook up" in the library
 '''VIVItheG:''' on a completely stranger basis
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a lot
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a lot
 '''VIVItheG:''' they haven't had previous classes together before
 '''VIVItheG:''' how many is a lot
 '''VIVItheG:''' How many haver YOU SEEN
 '''CWCSonichu:''' in the years I've witnessed there, over 100 times
 '''VIVItheG:''' and you can confirm
 '''CWCSonichu:''' yes
 '''VIVItheG:''' that those were all on complete basis
 '''VIVItheG:''' of them not knowing each other previously
 '''CWCSonichu:''' yes
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I have a headache
 '''VIVItheG:''' and then the relationship works out
 '''VIVItheG:''' for them
 '''CWCSonichu:''' yes
 '''CWCSonichu:''' brb
 '''VIVItheG:''' I don't believe that at all, I can't believe that.
 '''VIVItheG:''' This is a library on a university
 '''VIVItheG:''' it's not a place for people to just hook up
 '''VIVItheG:''' i don't understand why you would go there
 '''VIVItheG:''' you must feel out of place?
 '''VIVItheG:''' don't you?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' why can't you just say "okay" after I type in brb, so I can get an asprin, take a deep breath or something, which is the acronym for "be right back"?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' *sigh*
 '''CWCSonichu:''' *belch*
 '''CWCSonichu:''' *from stress*
 '''CWCSonichu:''' *and pain*
 '''VIVItheG:''' because you will be back
 '''VIVItheG:''' and you will read those
 '''VIVItheG:''' that is why
 '''VIVItheG:''' well i dont' know what you were gonna do okay
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I was inklingly being sarcastic.
 '''VIVItheG:''' that was terrible.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I feel terrible; phyically and mentally.
 '''VIVItheG:''' why
 '''VIVItheG:''' maybe i'm doing this wrong
 '''VIVItheG:''' why do you feel terrible
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'm in pain, stress, heart-confused; how can I be more clear than that?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' plus my headache.
 '''VIVItheG:''' i think you are putting too much attachment
 '''CWCSonichu:''' to what?
 '''VIVItheG:''' to relationships
 '''VIVItheG:''' that definitely won't work out
 '''CWCSonichu:''' well, like I said, I don't know better, I am DUMB on the Relationship, Dating and all those subjects, except for the amount of educational porn I have watched, then I feel smarter about how I'd like my first time to go. But I desperately need a [[Dating Education]] Class, and High Schools don't even think of that in addition to their Sexual Education.
 '''VIVItheG:''' dating education class
 '''VIVItheG:''' does not exist
 '''CWCSonichu:''' IT SHOULD.
 '''VIVItheG:''' because it is different for every person
 '''VIVItheG:''' you can't tailor it to a general group
 '''VIVItheG:''' it's individual experiences
 '''CWCSonichu:''' Sex Ed is good for [[Third date|date 3 or beyond]], but what is it that has to be done before then?
 '''CWCSonichu:''' that's why Dating Education IS REQUIRED DESPERIATELY.
 '''VIVItheG:''' ...
 '''VIVItheG:''' first off
 '''VIVItheG:''' date 3 does not mean sex
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay
 '''VIVItheG:''' also
 '''VIVItheG:''' in a relationship
 '''VIVItheG:''' sex should be one of the last things
 '''VIVItheG:''' first
 '''VIVItheG:''' you got to know each other
 '''VIVItheG:''' how are you lives going to be with each other
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I already knew that.
 '''VIVItheG:''' you don't seem to know that
 '''VIVItheG:''' it's not like in 2 dates
 '''VIVItheG:''' you will know everything about that person
 '''CWCSonichu:''' you are not telepathic
 '''VIVItheG:''' let's have sex.
 '''VIVItheG:''' i know i'm not
 '''VIVItheG:''' i'm just basing it off things you say
 '''VIVItheG:''' that's all i've got to work with
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay
 '''CWCSonichu:''' shit my quotes.
 '''VIVItheG:''' ...yes. what you say
 '''VIVItheG:''' reflects who you are
 '''CWCSonichu:''' well, I am a DUMB Frustrated Virgin, and I've never had a First Date, I'm 26, I lack self-confidence, the [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor|Boyfriend-Factor is infinitely-high]], I fear rejection, I'm STRAIGHT, I'm High-Functionally Autistic; I should know A LOT BETTER, BUT I DON'T KNOW A THING on the Emotional Basics that is REQUIRED BEFOREHAND!
 '''VIVItheG:''' don't call yourself dumb
 '''VIVItheG:''' if you can't even believe in yourself
 '''VIVItheG:''' then why bother with life
 '''VIVItheG:''' secondly
 '''VIVItheG:''' don't call yourself a virgin
 '''VIVItheG:''' people don't need to know that
 '''CWCSonichu:''' On the subjects, I don't know better, so I am DUMB ON THOSE SUBJECTS.
 '''VIVItheG:''' well don't say that
 '''VIVItheG:''' god
 '''VIVItheG:''' what will people think
 '''VIVItheG:''' if you call yourself dumb
 '''VIVItheG:''' think about it
 '''VIVItheG:''' what will they think about you
 '''VIVItheG:''' that you are dumb
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'm not telepathic myself.
 '''VIVItheG:''' and not worth their time
 '''VIVItheG:''' if I said I was dumb
 '''VIVItheG:''' what would you think
 '''VIVItheG:''' that i was dumb
 '''VIVItheG:''' exactly come on
 '''CWCSonichu:''' my head is blank.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' right now.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' so I can't come up with a sound answer.
 '''VIVItheG:''' I am an idiot.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' no, you're not.
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay i'll do this a different way
 '''VIVItheG:''' I like ponies.
 '''VIVItheG:''' What does that say about me.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' that's fine, so do I.
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay uhm
 '''VIVItheG:''' This isn't going to work
 '''VIVItheG:''' if we have prior knowledge of each other
 '''VIVItheG:''' Whatever you say to a person
 '''VIVItheG:''' that you've just met
 '''VIVItheG:''' that is what they're going to think
 '''VIVItheG:''' they have no prior knowledge of anything else
 '''CWCSonichu:''' mostly, I do not claim to know what other people are going to think about me and what I say, so I just let them be.
 '''VIVItheG:''' no
 '''VIVItheG:''' if you talk to them
 '''VIVItheG:''' and introduce yourself
 '''VIVItheG:''' with stuff
 '''VIVItheG:''' that's what they're going to think
 '''VIVItheG:''' so calling yourself dumb
 '''VIVItheG:''' is not going to help
 '''CWCSonichu:''' everybody knows that.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I know that.
 '''VIVItheG:''' then WHY do YOU call yourself dumb
 '''VIVItheG:''' if you already know that
 '''CWCSonichu:''' because my mind is blank, and I feel dumb right now.
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay
 '''VIVItheG:''' if you were introducing yourself to a girl right now
 '''VIVItheG:''' what would you say
 '''VIVItheG:''' first time
 '''VIVItheG:''' they know nothing about you
 '''VIVItheG:''' just first time
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'd probably freeze up, because that often happens to me, even in rehearsals at home, between my [[Lego|LEGO figurine and a woman LEGO figurine]]; I'd constantly freeze up.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Okay
 '''VIVItheG:''' pretend you wouldn't freeze up
 '''VIVItheG:''' what would you say
 '''CWCSonichu:''' "Hello"
 '''CWCSonichu:''' then my mind would freeze up.
 '''VIVItheG:''' "so what are you doing here"
 '''CWCSonichu:''' where's here?
 '''VIVItheG:''' pretend it's the library okay
 '''CWCSonichu:''' ida know..."hanging around"
 '''VIVItheG:''' "what do you do?"
 '''CWCSonichu:''' "I draw [[Sonichu (comic)|comics]]"
 '''VIVItheG:''' "interesting, what are they about"
 '''CWCSonichu:''' "stories of my electric-hedgehogs, [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]]; [[Sub-Episodes|some stories about me]]."
 '''VIVItheG:''' i can already tell
 '''VIVItheG:''' that this is going nowhere
 '''VIVItheG:''' you know [[Anna McLerran|anna]] right
 '''VIVItheG:''' and that blog
 '''VIVItheG:''' i don't remember the details
 '''VIVItheG:''' but you talked to her about your sonichu and whatnot
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I Personally Know Anna McLerran
 '''VIVItheG:''' yes i know
 '''VIVItheG:''' to be perfectly honest
 '''VIVItheG:''' to a woman
 '''VIVItheG:''' looking for a man
 '''VIVItheG:''' to be with for the rest of her life
 '''VIVItheG:''' someone who draws comics about childish things
 '''VIVItheG:''' do you see where i'm coming from
 '''CWCSonichu:''' no, I don't
 '''VIVItheG:''' When a woman looks for maturity
 '''VIVItheG:''' in a man
 '''VIVItheG:''' let's put it that way
 '''VIVItheG:''' maturity
 '''CWCSonichu:''' ok
 '''VIVItheG:''' comics about electric hedgehogs whatever
 '''VIVItheG:''' based off children's video games
 '''VIVItheG:''' you may not think they are for children
 '''VIVItheG:''' but for a majority of the people in this world
 '''VIVItheG:''' they are
 '''CWCSonichu:''' they're not just for children.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I disagree.
 '''VIVItheG:''' You may disagree
 '''VIVItheG:''' but for a majority of the people
 '''VIVItheG:''' who live
 '''VIVItheG:''' in the united states
 '''VIVItheG:''' they are seen as children's video games
 '''VIVItheG:''' and it's okay if you still play them
 '''VIVItheG:''' but to draw comics involving made up electric hedgehog pokemon
 '''CWCSonichu:''' what if I said that I draw [[Sonichu 8|sex pictures]]? would that make a difference?
 '''VIVItheG:''' are you being...sarcastic
 '''CWCSonichu:''' no, I'm being serious.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Think about it
 '''VIVItheG:''' for a second
 '''CWCSonichu:''' instead of cartoons, I draw sex pictures; would that make a difference of opinion?
 '''VIVItheG:''' Yes
 '''VIVItheG:''' It would be disturbing
 '''CWCSonichu:''' obviously.
 '''VIVItheG:''' If you know that
 '''VIVItheG:''' why would you say that
 '''CWCSonichu:''' to the naked, unopen mind.
 '''VIVItheG:''' exactly
 '''VIVItheG:''' so why would you even bring up the point in the first place
 '''CWCSonichu:''' to make a point; you say maturity; honest intercourse is mature.
 '''VIVItheG:''' that is not mature
 '''VIVItheG:''' well okay
 '''VIVItheG:''' that is
 '''VIVItheG:''' but it's now being taken in a completely different way
 '''VIVItheG:''' now it's disturbing
 '''VIVItheG:''' which is equally as bad
 '''VIVItheG:''' as being immature
 '''VIVItheG:''' i have to go give my sister a ride, i'll be back in 15 minutes
 '''VIVItheG:''' i want you to think about what you've just said
 '''VIVItheG:''' and tell me why you said those things
 cwcsonichu signed off at 1:16:40 PM.
 cwcsonichu signed on at 1:16:43 PM.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' okay, what would you recommend that I say that would make me sound "mature"? Maturity is a joke; NOBODY REALLY GROWS UP.
 cwcsonichu signed off at 1:18:14 PM.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' are you thinking?
 cwcsonichu signed on at 1:18:56 PM.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' please respond
 '''CWCSonichu:''' hello?
 cwcsonichu signed off at 1:23:28 PM.
 cwcsonichu signed on at 1:26:09 PM.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' Hey, Vivian.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'll stay here for a while longer.
 '''VIVItheG:''' alright
 '''CWCSonichu:''' oh, good, you're back.
 '''VIVItheG:''' yeah i said i had to drop my sister off somewhere
 '''CWCSonichu:''' oh, okay.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' did you think about what I said last.
 '''VIVItheG:''' let's put it this way
 '''VIVItheG:''' what do you look for in a woman
 '''VIVItheG:''' would you want her to like childish things
 '''CWCSonichu:''' that's an optional feature.
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay i got it
 '''VIVItheG:''' why would a 26 year old who doesn't attend that university be in a library
 '''CWCSonichu:''' but in a nutshell, I'm looking for an 18-26-year old, Boyfriend-free, caring , smoke-free, non-alcholic [[Chris and race|white woman]] to make into a sweetheart from the ground-up
 '''VIVItheG:''' it seems out of place
 '''VIVItheG:''' for most women
 '''VIVItheG:''' i would say
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a lot I guess.
 '''VIVItheG:''' so why would you be in a library
 '''VIVItheG:''' why
 '''VIVItheG:''' tell me why
 {{anchor|ban}}
'''CWCSonichu:''' I would be at [[Fashion Square]] instead, but the [[Manajerk]], [[Manajerk#ScotPalazzo|Scottpalazzo]], there basically permanently banned me from there.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and [[Wal-Mart]] and [[Target]] were no-good.
 '''VIVItheG:''' well i'm not talking about those places
 '''VIVItheG:''' well actually wait
 '''VIVItheG:''' why were you banned
 '''VIVItheG:''' what did you do
 '''VIVItheG:''' that's probably a better question
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and UVA's Alderman Library is a lot better than a singles bar.
 '''VIVItheG:''' how do you konw
 '''VIVItheG:''' know
 '''CWCSonichu:''' they just didn't like me hanging around there; they're all a bunch of [[jerks]].
 '''CWCSonichu:''' basic instinct.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' so, I wasn't spending money there; what should they care?
 '''VIVItheG:''' you're withholding information
 '''VIVItheG:''' you must have done something
 '''VIVItheG:''' to draw attention to yourself
 '''CWCSonichu:''' specifically, I was NOT TOTALLY BANNED, but I can only be there with one of my parents.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' the situation with Hanna.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' as read in the comic; it was the anguished cry.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' so I was litteraly loud; big whoop; those jerks still hated my guts.
 '''VIVItheG:''' well, that does draw attention
 '''CWCSonichu:''' like a lot of men in this state.
 '''VIVItheG:''' and distract people who are trying to concetrate
 '''VIVItheG:''' on their job/buying stuff
 '''VIVItheG:''' you don't do that kind of thing in public
 '''VIVItheG:''' which is why you got kicked out
 '''VIVItheG:''' YOU may think it was just a loud cry
 '''CWCSonichu:''' well, it was called for; my heart was toyed with.
 '''VIVItheG:''' but OTHERS may think it was a distraction
 '''VIVItheG:''' what would OTHER PEOPLE around the area think
 '''CWCSonichu:''' probably that somebody got Seriously Hurt, which was WHAT DID HAPPEN.
 '''VIVItheG:''' maybe seriously hurt physically
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I was the victim.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' the physicallity; [[Heart level|my heart]].
 '''VIVItheG:''' no
 '''VIVItheG:''' that is not physically
 '''VIVItheG:''' losing an arm is physically
 '''CWCSonichu:''' getting an emotional stab to the heart is physical.
 '''VIVItheG:''' to others
 '''VIVItheG:''' it just looks like someone yelling nooo
 '''VIVItheG:''' for no apparent reason
 '''CWCSonichu:''' it was still called for.
 '''VIVItheG:''' no it wasn't
 '''CWCSonichu:''' but forget about that.
 '''VIVItheG:''' you have to realize
 '''VIVItheG:''' that your behavior
 '''VIVItheG:''' is not suitable for the public
 '''VIVItheG:''' you have to change yourself
 '''CWCSonichu:''' that was years ago that happened.
 '''VIVItheG:''' still
 '''VIVItheG:''' you don't seem to recognize why that was wrong
 '''VIVItheG:''' for you, maybe it was right, but you have to consider the other people
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I DID RECOGNIZE.
 '''VIVItheG:'''
 '''CWCSonichu:''' they just didn't like me hanging around there; they're all a bunch of jerks.
 '''VIVItheG:''' You seem to blame them
 '''VIVItheG:''' [[Ego|not yourself]]
 '''CWCSonichu:''' the other people didn't have their heart played with terribly.
 '''VIVItheG:''' i mean you weren't suspicious at all?
 '''VIVItheG:''' people just don't go up to another preson and say I need a boyfriend
 '''VIVItheG:''' that's not how it works
 '''CWCSonichu:''' REWIND; I, myself, NEED a Girlfriend.
 '''VIVItheG:''' yes
 '''VIVItheG:''' But you didn't think twice
 '''VIVItheG:''' about someone coming up to you out of the blue
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I was desperate then.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' as well.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and I still didn't know better.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I am a mess.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a mess of issues.
 '''VIVItheG:''' yes
 '''VIVItheG:''' you need to see a professional
 '''VIVItheG:''' i can't help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' i've realized that now
 '''VIVItheG:''' you need to seek professional help
 '''VIVItheG:''' ask your parents
 '''VIVItheG:''' i'm sure they will help you with that
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I have seen a [[Chris and psychology|psyciatrist; no help]]. and my parents are old; still no help.
 '''VIVItheG:''' no
 '''VIVItheG:''' i mean they can most likely help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' find a professional
 '''VIVItheG:''' i mean
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a professional what?
 '''VIVItheG:''' therapist
 '''VIVItheG:''' someone
 '''VIVItheG:''' who helps people deal with their problems
 '''CWCSonichu:''' therapist = Psyciatrist.
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay sure
 '''VIVItheG:''' just look for one
 '''VIVItheG:''' you have a new set of problems
 '''VIVItheG:''' maybe looking for one now
 '''VIVItheG:''' will be the best choice
 '''VIVItheG:''' because i honestly can't help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' i've tried for 3 hours now
 '''VIVItheG:''' and it's like fighting a wall
 '''VIVItheG:''' i can't beat the wall no matter how hard i try
 '''CWCSonichu:''' eventually, you make a dent.
 '''VIVItheG:''' yes
 '''VIVItheG:''' but with the help
 '''VIVItheG:''' of someone else
 '''VIVItheG:''' look for a therapist, psyciatrist
 '''VIVItheG:''' whatever
 '''VIVItheG:''' just do it
 '''VIVItheG:''' trust me
 '''VIVItheG:''' you may not think they help
 '''VIVItheG:''' but at least you tried looking for help
 '''VIVItheG:''' finding a girlfriend is the least of your problems
 '''VIVItheG:''' you have more issues to deal with
 '''CWCSonichu:''' yes I did.
 '''VIVItheG:''' before you can even begin to i don't know
 '''VIVItheG:''' just
 '''VIVItheG:''' a job maybe
 '''VIVItheG:''' school maybe
 '''VIVItheG:''' something
 '''CWCSonichu:''' a therapist costs money; what I really need is a close gal-pal.
 '''VIVItheG:''' you seem to have plenty of money
 '''VIVItheG:''' the government gives you mony
 '''VIVItheG:''' ey
 '''VIVItheG:''' money
 '''VIVItheG:''' i can type i swear
 '''VIVItheG:''' you seem to have plenty
 '''VIVItheG:''' use it for something more than just whatever you normally spend it on
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I am not Mr. Joe Millionaire.
 '''VIVItheG:''' get some help
 '''VIVItheG:''' but you seem to have [[List of Chris's games|a lot of shit]] in [[Chris's Room|your room]]
 '''VIVItheG:''' sell some of that
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I have bills.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I'm not sellin'
 '''VIVItheG:''' why
 '''VIVItheG:''' what is more important
 '''VIVItheG:''' those things
 '''VIVItheG:''' or mental help
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I don't want to.
 '''VIVItheG:''' You have to let go chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' those things shouldn't mean such
 '''VIVItheG:''' a attachment
 '''VIVItheG:''' material goods
 '''VIVItheG:''' is not something that brings happiness
 '''VIVItheG:''' i know this
 '''CWCSonichu:''' you don't think I didn't know that either.
 '''VIVItheG:''' then why won't you sell them
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I just don't want to.
 '''VIVItheG:''' why
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and I don't need to.
 '''VIVItheG:''' that's not a good reason
 '''VIVItheG:''' because
 '''VIVItheG:''' you apparently
 '''VIVItheG:''' don't have money
 '''VIVItheG:''' so get some
 '''VIVItheG:''' get some help
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I don't need money to get help.
 '''VIVItheG:''' what kind of help are you thinking of
 '''CWCSonichu:''' and I don't need a professional.
 '''VIVItheG:''' Yes you do
 '''VIVItheG:''' Yes you do chris
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I have the people of my church.
 '''VIVItheG:''' you already got kicked out of one church
 '''VIVItheG:''' i mean
 '''VIVItheG:''' how are they going to help
 '''CWCSonichu:''' [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|my CURRENT church]] can help me a LOT better than any "professional"
 '''VIVItheG:''' and how have they helped
 '''VIVItheG:''' so far
 '''VIVItheG:''' chris
 '''CWCSonichu:''' because [[Chris and religion|God and Jesus]] supports them as well.
 '''VIVItheG:''' and how will god and jesus help you
 '''CWCSonichu:''' they guide a lot of people.
 '''VIVItheG:''' chris
 '''VIVItheG:''' do you think god is helping you right now
 '''VIVItheG:''' sending all these trolls after you
 '''VIVItheG:''' sending all these failed relatioinships after you
 '''CWCSonichu:''' in a way, yes.
 '''VIVItheG:''' ...really.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' he is helping me.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' have you read the bible?
 '''VIVItheG:''' he seems to just be making your life worse.
 '''VIVItheG:''' no.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' go read it, or join a church.
 '''VIVItheG:''' why
 '''CWCSonichu:''' so you can learn for yourself.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' the lessons behind God's will.
 '''VIVItheG:''' do you think god will help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' eventually
 '''CWCSonichu:''' yes
 '''VIVItheG:''' how do you think so
 '''VIVItheG:''' In what way
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I just do.
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay then
 '''VIVItheG:''' come back to me in 3 years
 '''VIVItheG:''' and tell me that alright.
 '''CWCSonichu:''' why 3 years?
 '''VIVItheG:''' because that is how long
 '''VIVItheG:''' i believe you will realize
 '''VIVItheG:''' that god is not going to help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' in that amount of time
 '''VIVItheG:''' you will be much worse off than you are now
 '''VIVItheG:''' that is what i believe
 '''CWCSonichu:''' what are you, an athiest?
 '''VIVItheG:''' daoist
 '''CWCSonichu:''' what is that?
 '''VIVItheG:''' my sect
 '''CWCSonichu:''' okay.
 '''VIVItheG:''' believes in principles
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I see.
 '''VIVItheG:''' of detachment from material goods
 '''VIVItheG:''' the way of being able to live life through non-action
 '''VIVItheG:''' which means that you should not do anything rash
 '''VIVItheG:''' unless you wish your life to be a living hell
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I see.
 '''VIVItheG:''' the believe in that you should be an active person
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I am
 '''VIVItheG:''' and help others
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I do
 '''VIVItheG:''' and what is your problem with atheiests
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I don't know, but I do know that they are not believers of God and Jesus.
 '''VIVItheG:''' so what?
 '''VIVItheG:''' let them respect whatever they choose to believe in
 '''VIVItheG:''' there are so many religions in this world
 '''VIVItheG:''' okay but let's not talk about that
 '''VIVItheG:''' i'm here to try to help you
 '''VIVItheG:''' and i want you
 '''VIVItheG:''' to seek some professional help
 '''VIVItheG:''' god appears in abstract ways
 '''VIVItheG:''' but i want you to seek some concrete help
 '''VIVItheG:''' from another person
 '''VIVItheG:''' please
 '''VIVItheG:''' i beg of you man
 '''CWCSonichu:''' I will consider it.
 '''VIVItheG:''' please don't just consider it, please do it.

{{FanChats}}
[[Category:Chatlogs]]

True and Loyal Fanbase

2011-11-23T18:24:50Z

TheJerk: /* Personal army */

[[Image:SchuComicFreeBack.jpg|thumb|Spread the word!]]

{{quote|1000000000+|[[Chris's]] totally accurate and [[Chris and His Ego|unbiased]] estimate of the number of ''Sonichu'' fans, [[Common_Questions#26_January_2010|Common Questions, 26 January 2010]].}}

[[Chris]] constantly refers to his [[trolls|fans]] as his '''True and Loyal Fanbase''' (or [[Speech impediment|"fandase"]]). In [[Mailbag 48|Mailbag #48]], Chris stated that he believes he has over one billion fans, meaning that roughly one-seventh of the world's population (or over [[Chris and the Internet|half of Internet users]]) has supposedly discovered and grown to love ''Sonichu'' since the comic began back in [[2000]].

==Personal army==
[[File:ChrisPersonalArmy.jpg|thumb|This is what Chris actually believes.]]
Like many individuals who have become notorious on the Internet, Chris believes that he has a sizable fanbase that adores him. Furthermore, he persists in this belief despite the fact that his "fanbase" has repeatedly proven to be comprised exclusively of [[trolls]].

Chris addresses his supposed supporters whenever he feels they would be most helpful, such as when he needs support in a [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|contest]] or wants to see a [[Clyde Cash|troll taken care of]], and speaks in the sincere expectation that total strangers will carry out his orders simply because he gave them. This belief was likely reinforced by the backfired trolling attempt during the [[GameStop Be A Star Sweepstakes]], and it's possible that's what drives him to continue acting this way.

Chris tried to play the personal army game in the aftermath of his [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|12 April 2010 confrontation]] with [[Michael Snyder]]. The related [[Jackie e-mails]] gave us an interesting glance at Chris's perspective on his ability to command his fans, as well as this interesting tidbit:

{{Quote|Considering after what had transpired, I decided to upload the audio-only video onto my [[YouTube]]. I tried to be nice and peaceful. Now HE (Michael) will have to deal with my [[Trolls]] for his discrimination against me.|Chris, [[Jackie e-mails Part 2#The GAMe PLACe Aftermath: Chris's Version|expressing his belief that trolls will help him.]]}}

It's currently unclear why Chris believes his trolls would bow to his requests. It's possible he thinks that his trolls are indiscriminately cruel to everyone, and that, if given a target, they would lash out against it without a second thought. Then again, given his sizable [[ego]] and shaky grasp on [[reality]], it's also possible he thinks that trolls will do what he says just because he said it.

On 17 [[July 2010]] Chris posted a series of [[Twitter|tweets]] (if they can be called that given that Chris boldly defies the definition of microblogging) on his [[Twitter]] account after roughly three months of silence. In typical Chris fashion, he was only doing so not out of care for his fans but to ask for people to give him DLC codes for ''[[ModNation Racers]]'', helping to push his agenda along by claiming that he was still working on the ''Sonichu'' comics. This is despite the fact that much of Chris's ''Sonichu'' fanbase had long ago given up hopes for any new pages. Along with e-begging, Chris proceeded to plug his ''ModNation Racers'' creations.

Chris's understand of his personal army has become more apparent with the [[Calling Out]] videos. Somehow, Chris thinks that revealing the contact information of his trolls guarantees that they will be trolled. It is not difficult to see Chris's pattern of thought here, considering the fact that ever since his own address was released on the internet it made his house a hot spot for phone calls from trolls, letters from trolls, and hookers from trolls.

==Chris's contempt for his fans==
[[Image:Sonichufans.png|thumb|Fans of ''Sonichu'' lining up to get an autograph from Chris.]]
Chris takes his alleged fanbase entirely for granted. When he doesn't want something from them, he ignores them. He is happy to try and extort them, in fact, as when he threatened [[Take that Page DOWN NOW!|to withhold his comics unless the ED page was taken down]]. Despite his contemptuous attitude towards them, he assumes that his TRUE and LOYAL fans will keep the [[trolls]] in check. Another example came on [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|27 August 2009]], when Chris implored his fanbase to remove every last video that showed the [[Tour of Chris's House|tour of his house]] after his father found out about it. To this day, mirrors of the two-part video still pop up to mock Chris.

Despite his belief that his fans adore him, Chris is notoriously inattentive to the sort of things that allow a person to continue having fans. He believes that people love him for his [[Sonichu (comic)|comic]], and yet his updates are often months apart. His attitude is neatly summed up at the end of [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], in the message from [[Things Chris has ripped off|Marvey Blaziken]]. Chris wants the adulation that goes along with being a popular [[art]]ist, but he thinks that he ought to receive it in exchange for whatever amount of effort he feels like putting forth. Which, Chris being Chris, isn't very much at all.

Chris refuses to take responsibility for his output or lack thereof, blaming any troubles on [[stress]] caused by the trolls. In a sense, because he expects his fans to take care of the trolls for him, he's blaming them for the fact that he can't keep updates regular. He also shows his fans contempt by having the radio on in the background during fan chats over [[Mumble]]<ref>[[Mumble 1|Mumble #1]]</ref><ref>[[Mumble 3.5|Mumble #3.5]]</ref> and giving extremely short, often rude, responses to lengthy, innocent questions in the [[Mailbag]].

As his ego has swollen over the years, Chris seems to have come to believe he can control what his fans do with their lives. In [[Down with asperchu|a video from January 2010]], Chris told his fans to never read an issue of ''[[Asperchu]]'' because "there are no LINKS" to Chris's works. He later went so far as to try and [[U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L|brainwash]] his followers into hating what he viewed as a rival comic.

==Chris turns on his fans==
In [[March 2010]], after a troll interfered in Chris's pursuit of [[The Wallflower]], Chris took to his [[CWC Blog|blog]] and attacked his fans along with the trolls, accusing them of breaking up his quest for true love out of a selfish desire to consume more of his comics. "You all are just as Terrible as I portrayed [[Mary Lee Walsh]] to be," he declared, "[[Chris and hypocrisy|so self-absorbed in yourselves]], [[Snorlax|spoiled]], and such, YOU ONLY want more story arcs and [[Chris and art|art]] MORE QUICKLY than my own Inspiration can come up with. You all are nothing bug [[Chris and money|greedy]], [[Chris and anger|impatient]], [[Sarah Hammer|un]][[Megan|lov]][[The Wallflower|ed]] and corrupted people."

He also claimed to tire of trying to please the "millions" of fans he has. Instead, he explained that he only wants to please "[[Chris|the local few around me]] who I truly and deeply care about." What this could mean is a number of things. The biggest thing he feels they have done is trolled him just as badly as the trolls themselves just to get his comics. Thus, he feels that they share equal blame with the trolls just because he doesn't want to spend time working on his comic.

This might have represented a valuable moment of clarity on Chris's part. He may have managed to discover, however inadvertently, that all his comic really accomplishes is to draw unwelcome attention to him.

Unsurprisingly, Chris soon forgot all about this and went back to assuming command over his personal army, directing them to [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|harass a manager]] for not letting him back into a store.

==List of fans who aren't trolls==
[[Image:Tumbleweed.gif]]

== Sources ==
<references/>

==See also==
* [[Chris and his Ego]]
* [[Chris and hypocrisy]]

[[Category:People]]
[[Category:CWC-isms]]

14 January 2010

2011-11-23T06:15:52Z

TheJerk:

'''14 January 2010''' (officially '''01142010.MOV''') was uploaded by Chris on 14 [[January 2010]]. In this video, he tries to convince the audience that he is [[Ego|a good person]] even after he [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|cursed]] [[Asperchu|someone]] and wished for their [[Death threats|imminent demise]].

Chris also seems to have worn the same shirt for three days in a row.
==Video==

{{Infobox/video
| name = 01142010.MOV
| video = {{#ev:youtube|WMI4lVk9qyU}}
| stardate = 14 [[January 2010]]
| subject = {{Fanart|text}}
| style = {{Reason|text}}
| shirt = {{DogShirt|text}}
| saga = {{Asperchu|text}}
| previous = [[12 January 2010]]
| next = [[What's the Name, Christian Chandler, C H R I S C H A N|What's the Name, Christian Chandler, C H R I S C H A N]]
}}

{{quote|A lot of us have cursed people. Everybody has cursed somebody in their lives.}}

=== Transcript ===

Ah, [[Captain's Log]], Stardate January 14th, 2010.

Welp, I have just looked up on the, uh, [[CWCipedia]] and noticed a jumbo image that, uh, Alec and his associates have put on there and, uh, yes, I'll ha—I'll admit that I have cursed them, though they probably just assumed that, aside from my being angry at them, but I spy— but regardless of that.

In response to that as well as, uhh, their questioning, uh, me as a individual, as such. I mean a lot of us have cursed people. Everybody has cursed somebody in their lives, or said curse word— whatever. But I'm still a g—I'm still a good, individual human being. It's just that, like them with their mental problems and me and my mental problems, when we go into defense mode or response to something that really offends us, we can be mean and c—we can be mean. And that's just, uh, our defense like, you know. It's just like the (?) state of a man. Something defends us, prf [''waves and makes punching gesture''], we want to punch that sucker right in the face. Every ma— every individual man with, or without, a mental handicap can agree with me on that.

But still, I have given you [[Sonichu]] for the past almost ten years now. Well, up to, anyway, 'cause the website didn't go up until 2004. But still—it will be almost ten years now, since I first started him on March 17, 2000. Or ten year anniversary, [''Cell phone starts ringing''] March 17, 2010.

[''Cell phone stops ringing.'']

Anyway, uh, regar— irregardless of the incoming call here, hm, I say, trust the ma—trust the individual who you've been trusting this whole time. Don't trust this new guy. [[Chris and his Ego|He's just trying to take my fame]]. Please, think about that, my loyal fans. Stay safe and have a good da—

[''Video cuts off abruptly.'']

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[12 January 2010]]|nextlink=[[What's the Name, Christian Chandler, C H R I S C H A N|What's the Name, Christian Chandler, C H R I S C H A N]]|}}

{{Captain's Log}}

[[Category:Chris-chan videos, January 2010| 2010-01-14]]
[[Category:CWCipedia Saga videos| 2010-01-14]]
[[Category:Asperchu Saga videos| 2010-01-14]]

Chris and mental healthcare

2011-11-22T04:49:08Z

TheJerk: /* White knights and trolls */

[[Chris]] has a troubled relationship with '''psychology'''. He claims that he was held down by the school psychologist at grade school while his screams were recorded (most likely over dramatic bullshit), and was forced to see a psychologist for anger management classes after being kicked out of [[Piedmont Virginia Community College]]. Chris currently refuses to see a psychologist, opting to see a [[Rocky Shoemaker|pastoral counselor]] instead.

==The problem(s) with Chris==
===In his own mind===
Chris claims to be [[autistic]], [[Homos|homophobic]] as a genuine phobia,<ref>[[Megan emails, Aug-Dec 2007#Chris is angry about Megan kissing her friend, then pities himself|Megan emails, Aug-Dec 2007]]: '''Chris''': "I am a homophobe; I fear them all"</ref> and a victim of [[noviophobia]], a made-up phobia of boyfriends. He also diagnosed himself with [[Wikipedia:Dissociative Identity Disorder|dissociative identity disorder]] in [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 30th, 2009|the August 30th Captain's Log]], although he later revealed in [[Mailbag 4|Mailbag #4]] that it was "a lie to momentarily derail the trolls." (Once again, Chris proved that he had no understanding of how serious mental disorders can be. Pretending to be crazy is an odd sort of [[wikipedia:Catch-22 (logic)|Catch-22]].)

Chris also seems to be at a level of incompetence that prevents him from realizing how incompetent he is. A [[Wikipedia:Cornell University|Cornell University]] [http://people.psych.cornell.edu/~dunning/publications/pdf/unskilledandunaware.pdf psychology journal] details this phenomenon:

{{quote|…when [[Chris|people]] are incompetent in [[Attraction Sign|the strategies they adopt]] to achieve success and [[China|satisfaction]], they suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their [[Autism|incompetence]] robs them of [[Naïve|the ability to to realize it.]]|A disturbingly accurate account of Chris’s reaction to [[Chris and reality|reality]]}}

===The 2004 survey===
The psychiatrist who compiled [[autism papers|a survey]] of Chris's issues following his troubles at [[PVCC]] in [[2004]] echoed the diagnosis of autism that Chris received some time in his youth, and took note of "an obsessional quality to his preoccupation with finding a girlfriend." He also administered a [[Wikipedia:Folstein test|Folstein test]], a brief questionnaire designed to detect cognitive impairment — Chris racked up a perfect score, indicating no problems with his memory or basic information processing abilities. On the [[Wikipedia:Global Assessment of Functioning|Global Assessment of Functioning]], the doctor rated Chris a 70, roughly halfway in between an average adult and someone with socially debilitating mental illness.

===The trolls' perspective===
The rest of the human race believes that Chris has ''way'' more than autism to worry about. Popular theories mark him as a psychopath and/or a pathological [[ego|narcissist]], for instance, and also point towards what seems like a paranoid streak (as when Chris proposed that the [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|Greene County]] school board has [[100 2178|conspired over a period of decades]] to make him miserable). Since the only available view is from a distance, though, there's no way anyone can know for certain if Chris's brain is garlanded with healthy chunks of the DSM-IV-TR or if he's merely a gullible idiot with a terrible upbringing and worse personality (and autism).

Until Chris gets some sustained professional attention, most of the speculation about his issues remains exactly that. Which leads to a larger problem...

==Professional help?==
One of the most [[Rage|frustrating]] elements of Chris is his adamant refusal to take help from any source. In the aftermath of his suspension from PVCC, his evaluators [[Autism papers|repeatedly recommended]] further counseling and psychiatric treatment, but Chris and his parents refused. It seems that [[Bob]] and [[Barbara]] think that the world of mental health hasn't evolved past the turn-of-the-century treatment of strait jackets and lobotomies. The only thing close to therapy that Chris has ever been in was a compulsory anger management class, and we all know [[Chris and anger|how much good that did]]. About the only authority figure he listens to is [[Rocky Shoemaker]], his pastoral counselor; he claims that he has no need for psychotherapy because his pastor is better at helping him than anyone with, you know, years of training and experience in helping people with psychiatric problems.<ref>[[Mumble 3]]</ref> He's shown repeated disregard for the authority of health professionals.<ref>[[Mailbag_2#In which Chris acts superior to an experienced Doctor|Mailbag #2]]</ref><ref>[[Mailbag_4#Chris the close-minded|Mailbag #4]]</ref> It is suspected that, even if Chris received professional help, he would disregard most of it and undermine the therapy.

It would be likely that he could seek the help of a professional for little or no cost, as his [[monthly tugboat]] in the form of SSI does offer basic psychological services that would allow him the ability to talk to a board-certified counselor and get the help he does need. It's likely though he doesn't even know this service is available, as he only regards his SSI check as income or a cheap means of getting [[PS3]] games, ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' or ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' DLC, and [[sex toys]] rather than a reassurance that he is covered under federal [[Wikipedia:Medicaid|Medicaid]] or the equivalent state Medicaid program offered by the Commonwealth of Virginia.

It seems Chris only acknowledges his personal flaws if they get him pity or used to demonstrate that he's beaten them already. Notice how often Chris claims to have won the battle over autism,<ref>Example: [[Sarah Reveals Herself#Chris is over his autism|Sarah May Chat]]</ref> only to fall back on "I have autism!" as an excuse.<ref>Example: [[Father Call]]</ref> Similarly, he wrote ''[[Nintendo Power Magazine]]'' to tell them he conquered his noviophobia, only to say later that his fear "came back like a boomerang."<ref>http://cogsdev.110mb.com/sonichu/SchusNews8.htm</ref>

Chris refuses to get help because he doesn't think he needs any, and because he has better things ([[PS3|games]], [[anime]], [[Kimmi|porn]]) to spend his money on. Regardless of how blatantly stupid his actions are, regardless of how often trolls ([[BlueSpike|including a thirteen-year-old]]) trick him into doing horrible, horrible things, regardless of how any mental health worker worth his salt would pin Chris down like a butterfly to get a chance to crack open his impenetrable shell of [[fail]], Chris will carry on as usual, justifying away everything that would inconvenience him even slightly.

Chris has no problem telling other people to seek professional help, however. In the [[Mailbag]], he has occasionally responded to his detractors with retorts like [[Chris and Hypocrisy|"Go See a Psychiatrist."]]<ref>[[Mailbag_35#Funny, that's the same advice we keep giving Chris|Mailbag #35]]</ref> Funnily enough, were Chris to ever see a psychologist, he or she would probably see this as classic [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection Freudian projection].

==History of medication==
According to the [[2004]] psychiatric survey, at some point in his life, Chris was prescribed the antidepressant medication [[Wikipedia:Imipramine|Imipramine]]. It's not clear when he was prescribed the drug, or for what exact reason, but it was likely sometime in his younger days. Since the advent of more sophisticated antidepressant drugs like [[Wikipedia:Prozac|Prozac]] in the late [[1980s]], the use of Imipramine to treat depression and other psychological disorders has grown less and less common. More recently, however, Imipramine has commonly been prescribed to patients who have [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|urinary problems]].

The same document notes that, as of [[2004]], Chris had been taking the antidepressant [[Wikipedia:Paxil|Paxil]] for four years in order to deal with his [[stress]] and [[Chris and anger|anger issues]]. One of the survey's recommendations was an increase in his daily dose of the drug, but it's not clear how long Chris continued taking it afterward.

Chris continues to take antidepressant medication to this day. In [[Mailbag 13#Take Your Prescribed Medicine, Young Man|Mailbag #13]], he explained that he switched to a different medication in order to avoid some of Paxil's side effects, the ones that "only hit adults." However, in his eleventh call with [[Kacey]] Chris said that the drug he switched to from Paxil is Paroxetine.<ref>[[Kacey Call 11]]</ref> Since Paxil is just one of Paroxetine's several trade names and not a different drug, it seems that Chris is still taking the same medication only under a different title.

Chris didn't specify what side effects Paxil caused him, but his language suggests some sort of a sexual dysfunction. Paxil may have been making it difficult for Chris to [[mass debating|achieve orgasm]]; if his current antidepressant is still Paroxetine (or at least another [[wikipedia:Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor|SSRI]]) then it might explain why it took him around twenty minutes in order to climax when he cybered with [[BlueSpike]].<ref>For examples see the full transcript of [[Bob Walks In]] and [[CWC Cums for a Cat]].</ref>

Another of Paxil's more notable side effects is the potential for substantial weight gain, which couldn't have mixed well with Chris's [[McDonald's|diet]] and sedentary lifestyle.

==Past instances of professional help (or lack thereof)==
===[[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]]===
When Chris attended NGES, there was an incident where he was supposedly restrained or molested, depending on whom you talk to. It has been claimed by Bob that they wanted to send Chris to an "institution". What they meant was likely a place where Chris could see professionals who could work with Chris's problems as opposed to teachers who deal with normal students. What Bob probably thought is he would be sent to a nuthouse. Either way, something that could have done some good in his early development didn't happen.

===[[Mary Lee Walsh]]===
Although not a mental health professional, Walsh's experience at dealing with a large body of students and their individual problems makes her experienced on the issue. She has also [http://www.bookfinder.com/dir/i/The_Freshman_Experience-Creating_College_Success_Piedmont_Virginia_Community/0787288381/ written a book on coping with college life]. Despite her advanced knowledge and experience, Chris chose the better path of [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|cursing her]] and putting her low on his [[Scale of Respect]].

===[[Autism papers|Psychiatric Papers]]===
Following his outburst towards Mary Lee Walsh, Chris was sent to a psychiatrist for evaluation. The resulting papers easily show a number of things, most of which can easily be told by trolls themselves. Another interesting thing is that, despite the encouragement to follow up on this, Chris's parents refuse to on the account of [[Chris and money|insurance problems]].

The documents note that at some point, Chris received psychiatric evaluation at the Center for Learning Potential in Mt. Sidney, Virginia (a small town northwest of his home in Charlottesville). They don't say when this took place, but given the location of the Center, it was likely either during his elementary school years or sometime after the Chandlers moved back to Charlottesville in the summer of 2000.

===Anger management and the shrink===
Following his encounter with Mary Lee Walsh, he was [[Piedmont_Virginia_Community_College#Kicked_Out_of_College|ordered]] to take anger management classes.<ref>[[User:ChrisChanSonichu profile#Enter the Wicked Witch of the Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens ]]</ref> The only thing that seemed to arise from it were complaints that he had to pay to see a professional...and...well...[[Chris and anger|he still can't control his anger.]] There's very little information about his anger management classes, as it occurred in the pre-[[ED]] days, and is only mentioned in a few old documents of Chris' that have surfaced. He's never really talked about it since, and it's never come up in comics or videos.

===[[Rocky Shoemaker]]===
Religious institutions are fond of providing counseling services to all members of their congregations, sometimes unwisely as a method of hammering them with doctrine to solve their problems, sometimes beneficially by giving them a person to talk to for free and referring them to a real professional if necessary. Whether Rocky is generally beneficial or harmful to the people who come to see her is uncertain, but she [http://cof-umc.org/blog/?p=3 is certainly admired for her past work]. What remains certain is that she is probably not the best solution for Chris because...
#He considers her to be a perfect, all-encompassing alternative to a qualified professional.
#He barely listens to anything she fucking says.
#He misconstrues everything she says, accepting advice he likes and ignoring advice he doesn't like.
She has told him about his past habits being unacceptable, but Chris remains as determined as ever to be a total idiot. Although she has put a stop to trolling plans, [[Fridays After Five|his behavior remains the same]]. She also told him it would be a good idea to stop posting videos on YouTube, since they only feed the trolls.

[[Cleveland Show Voice Rant|That hasn't]] [[100 2178|really worked]] [[100 2188|out now]], [[100 2189|has it]]?

About the only thing that he has taken away from their sessions is that [[Chris_and_sex#Moral_basis_on_sex_and_double_standards|he can fuck someone before they are married]].

===Relationship Management Classes===
Chris mentioned in a [[Addressing_Liquid#Video|video]] from October 2009 and told [[Kacey]] in [[Kacey_Call_22|a phone call]] in September 2009 that he had been taking some relationship management classes. Undoubtedly, Chris felt that he had found some form of real life [[Dating education|date ed]]. In reality, Chris came upon a class meant for couples who wanted to ''manage their already established relationships'' as opposed to finding out how to get into one. The true nature of the course is irrelevant since Chris is creepy and out of place pretty much anywhere he goes.

===White knights and trolls===
It doesn't take a lot of effort for anyone to see that Chris has no common sense. Likewise, common sense being...common, [[white knights]] and [[trolls]] alike are often quick to point out that most of what Chris does is stupid/insane/socially abnormal. He doesn't fucking get it. As a result, many trolls have become armchair psychologists pondering [[Autism|why exactly he doesn't get it]]. It doesn't matter what they come up with, the result is always that Chris doesn't listen to anyone if he doesn't want to, no matter what level they are on the ladder. [[Vivian Gee|Some white knights]] have gotten so fed up with Chris's adamant refusal to improve himself or heed advice that they've essentially moved on to becoming professional trolls.

==Footnotes==
<references/>

==See also==
* [[Autism]]
* [[Autism papers]]
* [[Asperger's syndrome]]
* [[Dreams]]

{{Chris and}}

Kick the Autistic

2011-11-17T01:32:18Z

TheJerk: /* Michael Snyder Style */

<center>[[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]][[Image:Asspielogo2.png]][[Image:Asspielogo.png]]</center>
[[Image:KickTheAutisticWii.jpg|thumb|Now for the [[Nintendo]] Wii!]]

'''Kick the [[Autism|Autistic]]''' is the world's favorite game. This is the act of doing anything [[Chris]] doesn't like. It is very probable he has done this in the past to get "[[sex|speshul treatment]]" from "Young Ladies."

==Variations==
[[File:Kta.PNG|thumb|And on [[HEXBox]]!]]
There are many known variations of the game, and we will go through the most effective.

===Artistic Style===
Enter a competition of artistry where Chris also competes, and [[Honor roll|out-talent him]]. This is usually easily done by showing any competence at all. Favored by [[Manchester High School#Graduation|his fellow students]] and [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|that no-good Adam Stackhouse]]. Beware: Chris may [[CWC is Angry|get grumpy and shoot at your photograph.]] Or beat you up in [[Soul Calibur]].

===Chris Style===
Set yourself up as one of the most visible and recognized representatives of autism within [[Chris and the Internet|internet]] culture. [[Chris and negotiation|Act like an entitled child]] and [[Chris and Sex|develop]] horrifying [[recycling|perversions]], which you discuss on [[YouTube]]. Give other autistic people a bad reputation by association. There is a 100% chance this will result in them trolling you.

===[[Blanca]] Style===
Take the time to befriend Chris and pretend you are a [[Boyfriend Free Girl]] until Chris trusts you. Then get Chris to give you something of value to him, and destroy it.

===[[Jimmy Hill]] Style===
Chris is very funny about the material which he has plagiarized. If you are an artist troll or just bored, plagiarize Chris's plagiarized comics. He will throw a fit and "take legal action against you if not removed by 14 days." Oh wait, YOU CAN'T [[Parody|COPYRIGHT UNORIGINAL CHARACTERS]] DIPSHIT.

===[[Sweetheart]] Style===
Chris is of the completely clueless type, and will trust anyone <s>with a little bit of time</s> who claims to have a [[China|china]]. Pretend to befriend Chris, and when you have gained his trust, tell him to do something lulzy. Say you are a woman who is turned on at the thought of him drinking his own [[semen]]. Once this happens, put the goods up on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and wait for the lulz to come pouring in.

===[[Man in the Pickle Suit|Pickleman]] Style===
Somehow meet up with Chris while wearing a pickle suit. He will be bewildered by it and powerless to act.

===[[The Miscreants|Miscreant]] Style===
Set [[Sonichu|events]] in motion that will keep Chris from [[Virgin with rage|ever getting laid.]] Physically [[Chris and health|weaken]] him so that he can't even rape women to lose his virginity, or do anything else for that matter. Extra points for [[Jimmy Hill|clouding]] [[BlueSpike|his]] [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|judgement.]] As an added "fuck you," send <s>an impostor</s> [[Liquid Chris|The True and Honest Christian Weston Chandler]] to swipe [[Kacey|his sweetheart.]]

Keep doing this for the rest of his life, then send him to Hell where he'll be trolled for all eternity... or reincarnated as a pickle... whichever.

The current champion of this style is Chris himself.

===[[Liquid]] Style===
<s>Pretend that you are the</s> Be the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of [[Sonichu]], the electric hedgehog Pokémon. Upload videos on [[YouTube]] detailing your many encounters with [[Clyde Cash]] and your success at attracting a boyfriend free girl. Brag about the millions you have earned thanks to Sonichu, and try to conquer the Sonichu media empire that is rightfully yours.

Alec Benson Leary of [[Asperchu]] has used a similar tactic, to much the same effect. Bonus points for buying ad space on the [[CWCipedia]].

===[[Michael Snyder]] Style===
[[List of places that have banned Chris|Ban]] him from [[The GAMe PLACe|an establishment]] for being the [[Chris and hypocrisy|entitled]], [[Chris and anger|angry]], [[Chris and his Ego|self-obsessed]], [[death threats|dangerous]] manchild that he is. Quite correctly [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|never let him back in]]. '''WARNING''': This will probably result in Chris [[6 June 2010|coming to the store]] to [[pedofork|take pictures of your daughter]] and [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|attempting to murder]] you with [[Son-Chu|his mother's car]]. Eventually, Chis and his mom may [[28 October 2011|visit your establishment again]], cause over $1000 in damage, and try to run off, getting charged with felonies in the process.

===Literally===
Examples of literally kicking the autistic include: The teachers at [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School]] (barely), [[Jerkops]] (probably exaggerated) and [[Niggos#Conflicts_at_The_GAMe_PLACe|TJ from GAMe PLACe]] (almost).

However, Chris has never experienced any real physical pain in his entire life. His parents never raised a finger against him, there is no record of him being grounded, or punished in any significant way even after he was [[Bob Walks In|caught masturbating in the kitchen]]. The only exception to this is when [[Sarah Nicole Hammer]] tried to teach him how to roller-skate. Chris fell down, got a boo-boo, ran home to [[Barbara Chandler|mommy]], and vowed to never again even try to roller-skate, or, apparently, to do anything active at all.

==Uses by Chris==
Recorded examples of this particular CWC-ism include the following:

*In the e-mail he sent to Sony after losing [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown]], Chris blamed his failure on "AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC!'"
*At the same time, in his first [[PSN Blogs|PSN blog entry]] cursing [[Adam Stackhouse]], he bitched and mixed his metaphors about how "I have been the dog in America's favorite game, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC' for my whole life."
*After finding out that [[PandaHalo|Panda]] was a troll during [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]], Chris whined, "And so, the world continues to play the world's favorite game of 'Kick the Autistic'."
*Addressing [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] users on 21 January 2008, Chris wrote ''"And if you have so much free time to play the cruelest game of "KICK THE AUTISTIC", then you CAN and SHOULD put the time to better use; volunteer for a social chore; take up the culture in tasteful art; go out and socialize."''
*A variation was used in Chris's second version of [[It's UGH!#Remake|Ok2bgay]], with Chris opening the video with the words "Merry Kickmas".

==Conclusion==
Remember kids, Kick the Autistic is everyone's favorite game and can be replayed over and over with Chris. He just never learns.

==See also==
*[[Jerkops]]
*[[Reggie Fils-Aimé]] - Video game president, hoping to release Kick the Autistic on all major Nintendo consoles in time for Christmas.
*[[Troll]]

==External links==
*[http://www.pictogame.com/en/play/game/bq1o8yBlHtPu_cwc-in-kick-the-autistic Click to play!!]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]][[Category:Things Chris hates]]

Kacey Call 11

2011-11-17T00:24:17Z

TheJerk: /* Part 2 */ oh whatever I'll do it, it screwed iwth it anyway.

Just a brief overview until the entire call is transcribed.

File Name: kc090709.mp3

*[[Chris]] got an email saying [[Target]] was not going to hire him.
*Chris has 10 dollars in the bank but he's going to start saving!
*[[Kacey]] asks to coach Chris and help him save money.
*Talking about walking and working out.
*Chris volunteers to give Kacey a Q&A about [[autism]] for her Abnormal Psychology class. Kacey asks him for info right now about autism. Chris says that he'll only do it if the maximum is 500 words.
*Kacey asks if Chris ever uploaded essays from [[High School]] to [[CWCipedia]], he says he hasn't found them yet.
*Chris tries to push a relationship on her, but she turns him off right away.
*Chris is going to take a yoga class. He heard about yoga from ''[[Wii]] Fit''.
*Chris says the last workout he had was standing on one leg for an ENTIRE ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' song!
*Chris is comparing ''Rock Band'' [[guitar]]s to ''Guitar Hero'' guitars. Kacey says she likes real guitars and likes it when guys write songs for her. Chris says he could play ''Guitar Hero'' for her, and he can write a song in ''Guitar Hero'' for her. Kacey isn't impressed and Chris doesn't understand the difference between the two.
*"I can be just as good in ''Guitar Hero'' as a real guitar."
*Chris walks around the mall for exercise. Five whole laps!
*Chris complains about the lack of male bras at J.C. Penny.
*Chris didn't realize you can wash bras, thought you had to throw them away after every three days of use.
*Kacey suggests for Chris to spray his bras with febreze. Kacey recommends lavender.
*Kacey says that she mixes her perfumes to smell better. Chris compares this to mixing food together at Country Cookin'.
*Chris says he was reading [[Playboy]] earlier and they had a ''[[Family Guy]]'' article.
*'''Chris complains that ''Family Guy'' was canceled originally because [[9/11]] distracted people from the show.'''
*Chris is upset to find out that Stewie is gay.
*Chris admits to reading ''Playgirl'' once.
*Kacey was uncomfortable with the subject, so they stopped talking about ''Playboy''/''Playgirl''.
*Kim convinced Chris to watch the news more often.
*Chris claims he is drawing more [[Sonichu]].
*Kacey says that she is excited for [[Vivian]]'s next audiobook. Chris gets stressed out.
*Kacey suggests to Chris to make his own audiobooks if he doesn't like Vivian's version.
*Chris talks about how he can't trust Vivian due to [[Clyde Cash]] being related. Chris complains about Clyde for a while, but then says that Clyde is dead now so it's okay. Chris says he is glad that Clyde is dead.
*Chris says that he never read [[A Girl Who Brought Down the World|Vivian's book]], and he gave it to [[Rocky]] instead.
*Chris is looking for new jobs. He says he can make 980 dollars a month without losing the tugboat.
*Chris is trying to get a discount at the gym by talking to his doctor.
*'''Chris sent a letter to his doctor about his [[penis]]. Letter included asking about if his penis being bent was okay, how to straighten it out, and trying to get penis enlarging medication.'''
*Chris asks Kacey how big Liquid's penis is. Kacey starts laughing really hard, and then says that it's 9 inches, thick, and it would hurt sometimes. Chris is amazed and sounds depressed and talks about how small his penis is.
*Chris is upset that Kacey said that she enjoyed [[Liquid]]'s cock.
*Chris admits that he is taking penis enlargement medication, and starts describing his cock in detail to Kacey.
*Kacey says she has to go, unless Chris has any more questions about Liquid's cock. Chris says no, and the call ends.

{{transcription}}

==Part 1==

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'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris! It’s Kacey, how are ya? 
'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, I'm good, how are you? 
'''Kacey:''' Ah-I'm good. You know, just really busy with school and work. 
'''Chris:''' ...yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' Y'know, gotta make that money! Gotta save it up-up. (''Sound glitch'') 
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I will be saving up my self, y'know, after I get my- after I get one- after I get mah joooooooob, you know. Even though I, ah, received an e-mail from target saying they're not gonna hire me, because y'know, they got- they got enough people as it is right now. I'm sure they'll keep my, ah, file on record, until they find an opening. 
'''Kacey:''' Nolikeyeah, I think they do that, um, I think it's, uh, it's easier every 30 days or 3 months, it depends on the company. (''beat, Kacey continues at the same moment Chris tries to start'') So, speaking of money, are you doing OK, curbing your spending? 
'''Chris:''' (''grunt/sigh'') Yeah, I'm turning out ok. Yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' ...Uhm. I mean, you know, I'm really worried about that because, I mean, you know, wif what you've told me about how much you spend on videogames and everything, uhm, are you buying anything from the, you know, all that stuff right now, like any games, do you have any plans? 
'''Chris:''' Ahh, yeah, I have no plans right now, so I'm not expecting to buy anything at the... for.. for a while. I've got money- I got like about, ten- I've got like 'bout 10 bucks in the bank right now. I can always- I can- I can always deposit it. 
'''Kacey:''' Well, um, you know, I think I've been to harsh on you, so I want to help you, uhm, do you think, maybe, uhm, I can help coach you with these things, like, you know, like, maybe you could forward me, like, what you spend, like- we'd just start something small like the Play Station network, or something. Like, and I can coach you, I-I'm really sorry, I think I was too harsh on you. 
'''Chris:''' (''chirps happily'') Hmm. Okay, that sounds good. [''unintelligible''] Yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh, awesome. Yeah, it's my way of an apology. 
'''Chris:''' It's okay, I mean, you don't have to apologize uh I mean you acted the way you did because you felt like you had to. 
'''Kacey:''' Yeah but [Chris talks over her] just forward me whatever purchases you make and um I will definitely help you. I'm happy you appreciate that. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. Yeah I'll [unintelligible] 
'''Kacey:''' Okay. 
'''Chris:''' Uh and my - I was doing a lot of walking today and lap - I did a lot of laps around the neighborhood. Instead of taking the easier counter-clockwise route around the uh 'hood I went clockwise and actually powerwalked the steep incline we have here. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh nice. How much is a lap for you. Is it like a mile or something? 
'''Chris:''' Hmm. I'm not sure what the distance is. I could probably measure it in my car. Uh of course I'm counting also going into the uh the little courtyard- the little courts y'know. It's like y'know the court. The into the. I'm actually going into those- 
'''Kacey:''' Uh huh 
'''Chris:''' Courts. Up and down them. 
'''Kacey:''' Well did you run or jog the whole time cause remember you just gotta get that heartrate up. 
'''Chris:''' Yeah. I powerwalked. Today I powerwalked but yesterday I did some jogging in there as well. 
'''Kacey:''' I think you should look up how to get your heart rate up and where your heart rate should be. Because you just can't walk and I'm not there to show you obviously because I've got so much going with school but um if you Google it that should be awesome. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. Alright. Well let me ask you though. I thought of this question earlier. Uh yeah you're studying to be a nurse. Do you have to take any psychological type classes like y'know like any classes like a psychiatrist would have to take? 
'''Kacey:''' Oh of course. Um I'm actually in um 2nd Level Human Growth and Development this semester. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. 
'''Kacey:''' I mean a lot of it overlaps I mean I'll be taking Abnormal Psyche next semester. 
'''Chris:''' A normal... psyche class? 
'''Kacey:''' Abnormal? Like not normal. Yeah. 
'''Chris:''' Oh abnormal. Okay. Yeah well I have- I'll tell you what if you get to the part where they talk about Autism I could give you some- some information on that and probably help you with any essays you have to write or whatever. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh yeah. That would be interesting. Y'know get a little perspective maybe I'll get some extra credit. 
'''Chris:''' Alright. Yeah you know I mean it's too bad we couldn't plan the uh trips of you coming over here with your hanging out y'know between Labor Day weekend. 
'''Kacey:''' I know, I know. 
'''Chris:''' I mean- 
'''Kacey:''' I had to work all day so I mean but hey- making that money. But back to what you said about helping me with class. You can start whenever because even though I'm taking it next semsester that way I'll be prepared I mean. Why don't you describe Autism to me? You know give me a feel for it. 
'''Chris:''' Alright. I'll have to give it some thought but I'll have - write you a uh minimum 100 maximum 500 word essay about it. 

==Part 2==

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 '''Chris:''' ...That
 '''Kacey:''' Okay cool
 '''Chris:''' Of course you definitely can with a multi-pack, you know,3 packs for like 10 dollars. Least there-least there still-one o- still one over here still sells them for that price, 3 for 10
 '''Kacey:''' Oh I mean, uh, wash them
 '''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what?
 '''Kacey:''' You don't have to buy tons of them, you could just wash them. Like, I mean, unless you're doing it for style there's no reason to have a lot of them
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I currently have-I currently have 6, but I understand from my mom that I could wear uh, bra 3 underwear-a bra or underwear for 3 days, then switch over to the new ones
 '''Kacey:''' Well um also, with those things I know you've never used them before but you need to, you know, let them air out every night and um you know, um, I at [Chris: y-yeah] least rinse mine with you know a little bit of spray cleanser. You know maybe some febreeze, maybe, anything. But I mean I also wear perfume and stuff.
 '''Chris:''' Okay so wait a minute, uh, spray what with febreeze?
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, use some febreeze. That would work.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah so wait a minute, you're talking about spraying the bra with febreeze?
 '''Kacey:''' Of course, you don't put that on your skin
 '''Chris:''' [laugh] Okay I just wanted to make sure I understood...mmkay febreeze. Yeah okay well I'm not sure we have any febreeze in the bathroom, but you know next chance I get I will definitely get some febreeze.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay, cool. Awesome. Like they have different scents now that smell really good.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, what do you recommend, personally?
 '''Kacey:''' [interrupting] I like the lavender one, I love that one the most. It's one of the purple ones. There's a spring one and then there's a lavender one.
 '''Chris:''' I like lavender scent.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh cool.
 '''Chris:''' I have smelled lavender before and it does smell good.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah
 '''Chris:''' 'kay...that's good. 't's very good. We've found some common ground there, we both like lavender
 '''Kacey:''' [little laugh] It's not my favorite but it is one of them
 '''Chris:''' mmkay, one of them. Okay what is your top favorite scent?
 '''Kacey:''' Um...Probably...Either like a sandalwood amber thing, or vanilla.
 '''Chris:''' Vanilla is-vanilla is good. What's the other one you said, sandal with amber?
 '''Kacey:''' Sandalwood with amber.
 '''Chris:''' Oh. An-An. I'm sorry, andalwood?
 '''Kacey:''' Sandalwood.
 '''Chris:''' Oh okay
 '''Kacey:''' You know like sandals you wear on your feet? Yeah
 '''Chris:''' Ohhh, sandalwood, yeah okay. Sandalwood with amber. Okay.
 '''Kacey:''' Well, I-I actually, um I have lots of different perfumes and I mix them and I layer them, but I make sure their scents all correspond.
 '''Chris:''' Wow you uh, you mix your own perfumes. [little laugh]
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah
 '''Chris:''' That's pretty-that's-that's very good, I mean uh...
 '''Kacey:''' That way when one wears off I've got another thing, it's really nice. But I mean men don't wear perfume, they wear like cologne and body spray and stuff.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah...(???)-mix things up I often like to uh mix things up

 '''Kacey:''' Well, when you finish a comic, I can't wait for the audiobook version, I think they're funny.
 '''Chris:''' ...You mean Vivian's audiobooks?
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah! I love those, I'm so glad you showed them to me.
 '''Chris:''' ''[Stress pause]'' Yeah, I never authorized those audiobooks.

==Part 3==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|9uQwmUWpx2Y}}</Center>
 '''Kacey:''' Well, I think she did a great job. I think you should thank her, I mean, they're AWESOME.
 '''Chris:''' Hm.
 '''Kacey:''' And it's like free publicity.
 '''Chris:''' Mmm. Yeah... Ahhh, but still, so many things she's done against me.
 '''Kacey:''' Like what? I mean, I didn't see anything bad.
 '''Chris:''' Okay well how about that folder of her art I sent ya... The, uh, few comic pages where she mocked about me and my sw- My early days in my Sweetheart Search, like you know... You know, it's-
 '''Kacey:''' It's a parody, if you're gonna be famous you're gonna get parodies. I think it's great to go ahead and get them out of the way.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but, still you know-
 '''Kacey:''' Just because somebody does a parody, doesn't mean that they hate you or anything, it's just, you know, it's publicity, come on. You've got to laugh at these things or else you're never gonna make it.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Okay-
 '''Kacey:''' I mean, it's flattering. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Okay but you know I'm talking about the, uh, ones where she's got the [Pokemon name] in there with her. The Pokemon-
 '''Kacey:''' Still. You should just go with it, and be like "thank you for the free publicity". This is your show, so run it.
 '''Chris:''' Uh, "this is my show so want it"?
 '''Kacey:''' So RUN it. Run it.
 '''Chris:''' Uh...
 '''Kacey:''' Besides, it opens it up to more people. I mean if you don't want her to do it, you should make your own audiobooks. You should narrate them yourself.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah. I thought about that, but it's like you know... I'd ra- I'd rather actually have a- My- A woman to read the, uh, Rosechu parts. But unfortunately I don't have a-
 '''Kacey:''' I'd be happy to help. I can give you recordings.
 '''Chris:''' ''[Silence]''
 '''Kacey:''' But you know I'm really busy so I probably wouldn't be able to for a long, long time.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Okay, well I appreciate the offer. And I'll think about dat furder. But I think- But I was hoping, like you know, I could actually let my sweetheart do it, but like, unfortunately I just been having... the, uh...
 '''Kacey:''' Oh then I think you should wait, that's a good idea.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's... Still so much- Still a lot for me- Still a lot of things for me to think. Umm... Yeah, but also, uh, cuz also, I think I have informed you about Vivian Gee being Clyde Cash's cousin.
 '''Kacey:''' But that doesn't mean anything.
 '''Chris:''' Clyde Cash was a major troll.
 '''Kacey:''' But, that doesn't mean SHE is.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Okay. But still you know, Clyde Cash, he was also the one- He was also the first guy that actually got into my- That actually hacked into my original hosting account on Tripod. And then the following one on-
 '''Kacey:''' How did he do it?
 '''Chris:''' He tried to... to turn the- turn the website around and make it look- make it look like- make it mock ME. He-
 '''Kacey:''' I mean how did he figure out your passwords and logins and stuff, did he hack it?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' How did he hack it?
 '''Chris:''' ''[Annoyed]'' I don't know how he hacked it.
 '''Kacey:''' Did you use an easy-to-guess password?
 '''Chris:''' No, I did not use an easy password. I don't even remember what the password was, now.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but anyways, then I- then I tried to like- then I tried using Yahoo... I think it was. Or maybe it was something else I don't know, but anyway then he got in- But then he hacked into that as well, even on Godaddy- Even on my last attempt at- Even on the last attempt at on Godaddy dot com being the web host, he got into that as well. And then I-
 '''Kacey:''' Wow, he sounds very talented!
 '''Chris:''' Ugh... But anyway, you know, I- Anyway, after I got my Godaddy account back I just basically pulled the plug on the- Pulled the plug on the whole Sonichu site thing. And then supposedly he ki- And then, supposedly he killed himself. So I just assumed-
 '''Kacey:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' I just assumed that he's been dead for da few months. I think I sent you Vivian's ad- I think I sent you Vivian's address, if you wanna talk to her and verify.
 '''Kacey:''' That's... That's, um... I don't know what to say about that.
 '''Chris:''' Well you know, you could think- You know, no rush, you could think about dat furder. Um... Shoot, what was I gonna say- Oh yeah, yeah I just assumed that- I just, uh, assumed that he's been dead the whole time and GLAD that he's been dead.
 '''Kacey:''' Uh...
 '''Chris:''' Even Vivian- Even- Even Vivian agreed about- Even agreed on him being dead.
 '''Kacey:''' Then I guess he is, or... I don't know.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' It's a really bad topic.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. It was a bad topic. But you know, I mean like you know, I had to recall cuz you know...
 '''Kacey:''' I mean it's so sad when someone kills themselves.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, it was just- It was just to verify the whole troll- The trolling situation there. From him, and... You know and also like you know, Vivian did write a book and she sent me a copy of it. I think it was called "Da Girl who Ruled Da World". Uhhh, don't tell Vivian, but I never actually read the book. Even though I told- Even though I told her- Even though I lied to her and told her that I read it.
 '''Kacey:''' You shouldn't lie, that's horrible! What if it's a really good book, I mean didn't we talking about this before? Why would you do that?
 '''Chris:''' Hm... It was like, uh, tryin'... I was like, I dunno. I don't remember. It was in the conversation, we were just talkin', and then you know... Yeah, I just- I just did not feel comfortable with saying like, you know, "Oh, I haven't read it", and den she would be encouraging me to read it, but anyway, then anyway- Uh, currently the uh, book is on loan to Rocky, she hasn't given it back to me yet, and she's just had an appendix operation. She's read, uh, she's read, uh, a whole chunk of da book, and it's mostly mockery- mockery against me anyway. Mockery against me and my Sonichu characters.
 '''Kacey:''' Well, like I said, it's probably just free publicity. So, I think I mentioned before I wanted to read it, but you should read it first. You have to read it before you judge it, I'm pretty sure we talked about this.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah we're talkin' about- We're talkin' about Vivian's book, right?
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Okay. Yeah after I get it back from Rocky I'll be sure to read it.
 '''Kacey:''' You should probably get it back very soon.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. M'kay. Alright, so... Yeah, you did not have any classes today, so you just had work?
 '''Kacey:''' Yes. I worked and studied.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, that's good, did you have a good- You had a good day, I guess?
 '''Kacey:''' Well, it was work, you know, so... I just worked.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Puttin' a little more bread on your own table for yourself.
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm.
 '''Chris:''' Very commendable.
 '''Kacey:''' So uh, how's your job search going besides, uh... besides Target?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I got another application to uh, go back online and fill in. But... But yeah, you know, at least I'm making- But yeah, you know, I'm making progress. Eventually, I'll get- Eventually... You know, I'll get da message saying like you know, "Yeah you're hired, come in for the in- or, come in for the interview".
 '''Kacey:''' Hm.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' You should, uh, call in and ask.
 '''Chris:''' Okay.
 '''Kacey:''' You know, make sure they got the application.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that's a good idea, okay. Yeah. Alright I will do that, I will make calls and find out for certain.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, you know, show them you're interested.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Especially- Especially since I know well- I know very well that I can make 980 dollars a month without it affecting my Social.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, you're pretty lucky.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Oh by the way, uh... Yeah I'll let you know- I'll probably let you- I'll probably let you know about this- I wrote up my list of questions to, uh, my Doctor McGovern... Uh, you know, things that uh, you and me and Kim, we talked about a little bit. Um, I wrote 'em out in a letter but unfortunately I was gonna deliver it today, but the office was closed for Labor Day, so...
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, considering my next- Considering my next trip downtown would be Wednesday for the yoga session, I'll drop it off on Wednesday.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh cool, are you gonna send me the questions?
 '''Chris:''' Oh, sure, I'll get- I dunno, would you like me to?
 '''Kacey:''' Um... Sure, why not?
 '''Chris:''' Well-
 '''Kacey:''' I just thought that was why you mentioned it.
 '''Chris:''' Well, no, I mean- I just- I'm just bringin' it up as like, you know, just... You know, just lettin' you know that I'm gonna be inquiring about all that with- with my doctor, sure. Anyway let me- Anyway, I- Anyway... Anyway, basically currently it's five questions, uh... First one is about the, uh, gym membership discount.
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm...
 '''Chris:''' And then the second one's a question about, uh, whether I should get back on the Paroxetine or not. But I mean, I don't- I mean, I think I've been okay with- Off- Off it, you know. I feel like I've been better, but it's like, uhh... I felt more- I feel a little bit more vulnerable to stress, but with uh, practicing the stress ma- More- With more practicing the uh, stress management techniques, I feel like I'm about starting to regain emotional control over dat.
 '''Kacey:''' So that was your anti-depressant?
 '''Chris:''' The, uh, Paxil originally, but then I switched over to Paroxetine... Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, well I mean, are you not taking it anymore, 'cause I mean...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I have not been taking it for a month.
 '''Kacey:''' Well I mean if you're so stressed all the time then maybe you should. I mean, that should be up to your doctor, you should ask him that.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Alright... And then I asked- And then I asked him further about the uh, Lipitor... You know... Uh... I don't remember da question, I've already sealed the envelope. And it was just- It was just- And I have it on my- I have it- I have it on my bed in front of me, and... Hm. I guess I could- I guess I- I guess I can rip it open and send you the questions, anyway. But I'm just lettin' you know in a nutshell.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay.
 '''Chris:''' And then like you know- And then the fourth and fifth questions are about my, uh, penis. Number four being about like you know, whether it should be level, or- or- Or, you know, if bent is normal. Or if like you know, if there's a way of straightening it- Of leveling it out. And then the second question is about like you know, getting a prescription to a penis extension medication pill... That sort of thing.
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Awkward pause]'' Okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yep. ''[Another awkward pause, as Chris prepares to ask what he's always wanted to ask]'' Ahh... Okay, I'll just go ahead and get it out of the way - How BIG was Chris's penis?
 '''Kacey:''' WHAT??!? What??
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, I just- I asked you- I just asked you, how big was Chris's penis?
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Laughing]'' That's a really odd question for you to ask me... Um, but I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you, It was definitely, um, a little around nine inches.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, now I- Okay, shh... I mean, REALLY? Nine inches??
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah... You know, sometimes it hurt, but you know, it was good, and it was thick.
 '''Chris:''' Shoot, mine only gets, like, six to seven inches...
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Laughing]'' I'm sorry, it's just a weird question...
 '''Chris:''' I mean, I just felt like I had to know.
 '''Kacey:''' I mean... Okay... Why do you need to know? I mean, I thought you weren't interested in other people's penises, but just tell me, why'd you need to know?
 '''Chris:''' I mean like, who was the, uh... Supposed- In that sense, who was the bigger man, there.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, I guess he won that. But I just- I don't- Okay... I mean, it was just nine, thick, and straight. It was there...
 '''Chris:''' Okay. Well like, you know, while I'm feeling discomfort in that...
 '''Kacey:''' You're the one who asked about how he rocked my world with it!
 '''Chris:''' Well I did not- I did not necessarily ask how he rocked your world with it, I was just asking how big it was.
 '''Kacey:''' I- Well, I mean, come on... I mean you opened that up.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, but it's like you know... Alright I just pretty much established this with Kim, but... I definitely have an insecurity... And- And that's one of my insecurities, like you know, in comparison to other guys... Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' So you don't like other people's penises, but you want to hear about them so you can compare yourself to them?
 '''Chris:''' No I-
 '''Kacey:''' I don't do that with, like, women's breasts.

==Part 4==

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 '''Chris:''' No actually this is the first time I've asked that question, but it's like you know I just felt like I had to know.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, okay, well, I mean, why?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, cuz it's like, you know, I'm def- It just makes me think that like, you know- I have been con- I have been on and off and on about like, you know, increasing the size of mine... But I- And then, it's just like you know, I wasn't sure if the, uh, till- It- I- I mean... For about two separate months, I had been, uh, had taken Extenze. But yeah I just hadn't- I just hadn't seen a big difference. Except for like, you know, just aft- Just after taking it, it definitely showed a maximum of seven inches. Erect. Oh by the way I- By the way, actually measuring it, it's like four inches limp.
 '''Kacey:''' ...Okay. I don't know... Okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but anyway, yeah-
 '''Kacey:''' I just thought the only way to make a big difference is to actually get surgery, but...
 '''Chris:''' I mean haven't you- I mean haven't you seen the, uh- I mean surely- Surely you've heard of the penis extension pills.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah but I thought they weren't supposed to work. I mean, most of them aren't even approved by the FDA and stuff. But I mean, they also say that losing weight helps, they say uh... Every 20 or 30 pounds of fat that you take away, an inch comes back. I don't know if that's true or not, that's probably a rumor.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah it does sound like a rumor.
 '''Kacey:''' Hey, no harm in trying, right?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... At least I'm starting a daily regimen of exercising. And I'm taking the appropriate steps and I'm losing my Buddha Belly...
 '''Kacey:''' Well that's good.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Okay, I'd just hate to end our conversation- End our conversation on such a note, cuz you know, my mind's running- My mind's running blank right now.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay, well um... I'll go ahead and talk to you, I guess, tomorrow. Unless you wanna ask any more questions about Chris's penis, I guess. ''[Laughs]''
 '''Chris:''' I'm not gonna ask any more questions that. ''[Laughs]'' Okay. Alright, well I- Okay, well yeah, good laugh, good laugh, that's a way to end a good- end a conversation well. Okay. Alright well, I'll let you go and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay, alright, bye.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, yeah alright, bye-bye.

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?fgvc20aqdd5g5x5 mp3 of phonecall]

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 10]]|nextlink=[[Kacey Call 12]]}}

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Trolling]]
[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category:Liquid Saga]]

Kacey Call 11

2011-11-17T00:19:00Z

TheJerk: /* Part 2 */ someone else add color or something. Not finished.

Just a brief overview until the entire call is transcribed.

File Name: kc090709.mp3

*[[Chris]] got an email saying [[Target]] was not going to hire him.
*Chris has 10 dollars in the bank but he's going to start saving!
*[[Kacey]] asks to coach Chris and help him save money.
*Talking about walking and working out.
*Chris volunteers to give Kacey a Q&A about [[autism]] for her Abnormal Psychology class. Kacey asks him for info right now about autism. Chris says that he'll only do it if the maximum is 500 words.
*Kacey asks if Chris ever uploaded essays from [[High School]] to [[CWCipedia]], he says he hasn't found them yet.
*Chris tries to push a relationship on her, but she turns him off right away.
*Chris is going to take a yoga class. He heard about yoga from ''[[Wii]] Fit''.
*Chris says the last workout he had was standing on one leg for an ENTIRE ''[[Guitar Hero]]'' song!
*Chris is comparing ''Rock Band'' [[guitar]]s to ''Guitar Hero'' guitars. Kacey says she likes real guitars and likes it when guys write songs for her. Chris says he could play ''Guitar Hero'' for her, and he can write a song in ''Guitar Hero'' for her. Kacey isn't impressed and Chris doesn't understand the difference between the two.
*"I can be just as good in ''Guitar Hero'' as a real guitar."
*Chris walks around the mall for exercise. Five whole laps!
*Chris complains about the lack of male bras at J.C. Penny.
*Chris didn't realize you can wash bras, thought you had to throw them away after every three days of use.
*Kacey suggests for Chris to spray his bras with febreze. Kacey recommends lavender.
*Kacey says that she mixes her perfumes to smell better. Chris compares this to mixing food together at Country Cookin'.
*Chris says he was reading [[Playboy]] earlier and they had a ''[[Family Guy]]'' article.
*'''Chris complains that ''Family Guy'' was canceled originally because [[9/11]] distracted people from the show.'''
*Chris is upset to find out that Stewie is gay.
*Chris admits to reading ''Playgirl'' once.
*Kacey was uncomfortable with the subject, so they stopped talking about ''Playboy''/''Playgirl''.
*Kim convinced Chris to watch the news more often.
*Chris claims he is drawing more [[Sonichu]].
*Kacey says that she is excited for [[Vivian]]'s next audiobook. Chris gets stressed out.
*Kacey suggests to Chris to make his own audiobooks if he doesn't like Vivian's version.
*Chris talks about how he can't trust Vivian due to [[Clyde Cash]] being related. Chris complains about Clyde for a while, but then says that Clyde is dead now so it's okay. Chris says he is glad that Clyde is dead.
*Chris says that he never read [[A Girl Who Brought Down the World|Vivian's book]], and he gave it to [[Rocky]] instead.
*Chris is looking for new jobs. He says he can make 980 dollars a month without losing the tugboat.
*Chris is trying to get a discount at the gym by talking to his doctor.
*'''Chris sent a letter to his doctor about his [[penis]]. Letter included asking about if his penis being bent was okay, how to straighten it out, and trying to get penis enlarging medication.'''
*Chris asks Kacey how big Liquid's penis is. Kacey starts laughing really hard, and then says that it's 9 inches, thick, and it would hurt sometimes. Chris is amazed and sounds depressed and talks about how small his penis is.
*Chris is upset that Kacey said that she enjoyed [[Liquid]]'s cock.
*Chris admits that he is taking penis enlargement medication, and starts describing his cock in detail to Kacey.
*Kacey says she has to go, unless Chris has any more questions about Liquid's cock. Chris says no, and the call ends.

{{transcription}}

==Part 1==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|hsqOojBtrqw}}</Center>

'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris! It’s Kacey, how are ya? 
'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, I'm good, how are you? 
'''Kacey:''' Ah-I'm good. You know, just really busy with school and work. 
'''Chris:''' ...yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' Y'know, gotta make that money! Gotta save it up-up. (''Sound glitch'') 
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I will be saving up my self, y'know, after I get my- after I get one- after I get mah joooooooob, you know. Even though I, ah, received an e-mail from target saying they're not gonna hire me, because y'know, they got- they got enough people as it is right now. I'm sure they'll keep my, ah, file on record, until they find an opening. 
'''Kacey:''' Nolikeyeah, I think they do that, um, I think it's, uh, it's easier every 30 days or 3 months, it depends on the company. (''beat, Kacey continues at the same moment Chris tries to start'') So, speaking of money, are you doing OK, curbing your spending? 
'''Chris:''' (''grunt/sigh'') Yeah, I'm turning out ok. Yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' ...Uhm. I mean, you know, I'm really worried about that because, I mean, you know, wif what you've told me about how much you spend on videogames and everything, uhm, are you buying anything from the, you know, all that stuff right now, like any games, do you have any plans? 
'''Chris:''' Ahh, yeah, I have no plans right now, so I'm not expecting to buy anything at the... for.. for a while. I've got money- I got like about, ten- I've got like 'bout 10 bucks in the bank right now. I can always- I can- I can always deposit it. 
'''Kacey:''' Well, um, you know, I think I've been to harsh on you, so I want to help you, uhm, do you think, maybe, uhm, I can help coach you with these things, like, you know, like, maybe you could forward me, like, what you spend, like- we'd just start something small like the Play Station network, or something. Like, and I can coach you, I-I'm really sorry, I think I was too harsh on you. 
'''Chris:''' (''chirps happily'') Hmm. Okay, that sounds good. [''unintelligible''] Yeah. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh, awesome. Yeah, it's my way of an apology. 
'''Chris:''' It's okay, I mean, you don't have to apologize uh I mean you acted the way you did because you felt like you had to. 
'''Kacey:''' Yeah but [Chris talks over her] just forward me whatever purchases you make and um I will definitely help you. I'm happy you appreciate that. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. Yeah I'll [unintelligible] 
'''Kacey:''' Okay. 
'''Chris:''' Uh and my - I was doing a lot of walking today and lap - I did a lot of laps around the neighborhood. Instead of taking the easier counter-clockwise route around the uh 'hood I went clockwise and actually powerwalked the steep incline we have here. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh nice. How much is a lap for you. Is it like a mile or something? 
'''Chris:''' Hmm. I'm not sure what the distance is. I could probably measure it in my car. Uh of course I'm counting also going into the uh the little courtyard- the little courts y'know. It's like y'know the court. The into the. I'm actually going into those- 
'''Kacey:''' Uh huh 
'''Chris:''' Courts. Up and down them. 
'''Kacey:''' Well did you run or jog the whole time cause remember you just gotta get that heartrate up. 
'''Chris:''' Yeah. I powerwalked. Today I powerwalked but yesterday I did some jogging in there as well. 
'''Kacey:''' I think you should look up how to get your heart rate up and where your heart rate should be. Because you just can't walk and I'm not there to show you obviously because I've got so much going with school but um if you Google it that should be awesome. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. Alright. Well let me ask you though. I thought of this question earlier. Uh yeah you're studying to be a nurse. Do you have to take any psychological type classes like y'know like any classes like a psychiatrist would have to take? 
'''Kacey:''' Oh of course. Um I'm actually in um 2nd Level Human Growth and Development this semester. 
'''Chris:''' Okay. 
'''Kacey:''' I mean a lot of it overlaps I mean I'll be taking Abnormal Psyche next semester. 
'''Chris:''' A normal... psyche class? 
'''Kacey:''' Abnormal? Like not normal. Yeah. 
'''Chris:''' Oh abnormal. Okay. Yeah well I have- I'll tell you what if you get to the part where they talk about Autism I could give you some- some information on that and probably help you with any essays you have to write or whatever. 
'''Kacey:''' Oh yeah. That would be interesting. Y'know get a little perspective maybe I'll get some extra credit. 
'''Chris:''' Alright. Yeah you know I mean it's too bad we couldn't plan the uh trips of you coming over here with your hanging out y'know between Labor Day weekend. 
'''Kacey:''' I know, I know. 
'''Chris:''' I mean- 
'''Kacey:''' I had to work all day so I mean but hey- making that money. But back to what you said about helping me with class. You can start whenever because even though I'm taking it next semsester that way I'll be prepared I mean. Why don't you describe Autism to me? You know give me a feel for it. 
'''Chris:''' Alright. I'll have to give it some thought but I'll have - write you a uh minimum 100 maximum 500 word essay about it. 

==Part 2==

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Chris: ...That
Kacey: okay cool
Chris: of course you definitely can with a multi-pack, you know,3 packs for like 10 dollars least there-least there still-one o- still one over here still sells them for that price, 3 for 10
Kacey: Oh I mean, uh, wash them
Chris: I'm sorry, what?
Kacey: you don't have to buy tons of them, you could just wash them, like, I mean, unless you're doing it for style there's no reason to have a lot of them
Chris: yeah, I currently have-I currently have 6, but I understand from my mom that I could wear uh, bra 3 underwear-a bra or underwear for 3 days, then switch over to the new ones
Kacey: well um also, with those things I know you've never used them before but you need to, you know, let them air out every night and um you know, um, I at [Chris: y-yeah] least rinse mine with you know a little bit of spray cleanser. You know maybe some febreeze, maybe, anything. But I mean I also wear perfume and stuff
Chris: Okay so wait a minute, uh, spray what with febreeze?
Kacey: Yeah, use some febreeze. That would work.
Chris: Yeah so wait a minute, you're talking about spraying the bra with febreeze?
Kacey: Of course, you don't put that on your skin
Chris: [laugh] okay I just wanted to make sure I understood...mmkay febreeze. Yeah okay well I'm not sure we have any febreeze in the bathroom, but you know next chance I get I will definitely get some febreeze.
Kacey: Okay, cool. Awesome. Like they have different scents now that smell really good.
Chris: Okay, what do you recommend, personally?
Kacey: [interrupting] I like the lavender one, I love that one the most It's one of the purple ones. There's a spring one and then there's a lavender one.
Chris: I like lavender scent
Kacey: Oh cool
Chris: I have smelled lavender before and it does smell good
Kacey: yeah
Chris: 'kay...that's good. 't's Very good. We've found some common ground there, we both like lavender
Kacey: [little laugh] It's not my favorite but it is one of them
Chris: mmkay, one of them. Okay what is your top favorite scent?
Kacey: Um...Probably...Either like a sandalwood amber thing, or vanilla.
Chris: Vanilla is-vanilla is good. What's the other one you said, sandal with amber?
Kacey: Sandalwood with amber.
Chris: Oh. An-An. I'm sorry, andalwood?
Kacey: Sandalwood.
Chris: Oh okay
Kacey: You know like sandals you wear on your feet? Yeah
Chris: Ohhh, sandalwood, yeah okay. Sandalwood with amber. Okay.
Kacey: Well, I-I actually, um I have lots of different perfumes and I mix them and I layer them, but I make sure their scents all correspond.
Chris: Wow you uh, you mix your own perfumes. [little laugh]
Kacey: Yeah
Chris: That's pretty-that's-that's very good, I mean uh
Kacey: That way when one wears off I've got another thing, it's really nice. But I mean men don't wear perfume, they wear like cologne and body spray and stuff.
Chris: Yeah...???-mix things up I often like to uh mix things up

 '''Kacey:''' Well, when you finish a comic, I can't wait for the audiobook version, I think they're funny.
 '''Chris:''' ...You mean Vivian's audiobooks?
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah! I love those, I'm so glad you showed them to me.
 '''Chris:''' ''[Stress pause]'' Yeah, I never authorized those audiobooks.

==Part 3==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|9uQwmUWpx2Y}}</Center>
 '''Kacey:''' Well, I think she did a great job. I think you should thank her, I mean, they're AWESOME.
 '''Chris:''' Hm.
 '''Kacey:''' And it's like free publicity.
 '''Chris:''' Mmm. Yeah... Ahhh, but still, so many things she's done against me.
 '''Kacey:''' Like what? I mean, I didn't see anything bad.
 '''Chris:''' Okay well how about that folder of her art I sent ya... The, uh, few comic pages where she mocked about me and my sw- My early days in my Sweetheart Search, like you know... You know, it's-
 '''Kacey:''' It's a parody, if you're gonna be famous you're gonna get parodies. I think it's great to go ahead and get them out of the way.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but, still you know-
 '''Kacey:''' Just because somebody does a parody, doesn't mean that they hate you or anything, it's just, you know, it's publicity, come on. You've got to laugh at these things or else you're never gonna make it.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Okay-
 '''Kacey:''' I mean, it's flattering. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Okay but you know I'm talking about the, uh, ones where she's got the [Pokemon name] in there with her. The Pokemon-
 '''Kacey:''' Still. You should just go with it, and be like "thank you for the free publicity". This is your show, so run it.
 '''Chris:''' Uh, "this is my show so want it"?
 '''Kacey:''' So RUN it. Run it.
 '''Chris:''' Uh...
 '''Kacey:''' Besides, it opens it up to more people. I mean if you don't want her to do it, you should make your own audiobooks. You should narrate them yourself.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah. I thought about that, but it's like you know... I'd ra- I'd rather actually have a- My- A woman to read the, uh, Rosechu parts. But unfortunately I don't have a-
 '''Kacey:''' I'd be happy to help. I can give you recordings.
 '''Chris:''' ''[Silence]''
 '''Kacey:''' But you know I'm really busy so I probably wouldn't be able to for a long, long time.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Okay, well I appreciate the offer. And I'll think about dat furder. But I think- But I was hoping, like you know, I could actually let my sweetheart do it, but like, unfortunately I just been having... the, uh...
 '''Kacey:''' Oh then I think you should wait, that's a good idea.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's... Still so much- Still a lot for me- Still a lot of things for me to think. Umm... Yeah, but also, uh, cuz also, I think I have informed you about Vivian Gee being Clyde Cash's cousin.
 '''Kacey:''' But that doesn't mean anything.
 '''Chris:''' Clyde Cash was a major troll.
 '''Kacey:''' But, that doesn't mean SHE is.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Okay. But still you know, Clyde Cash, he was also the one- He was also the first guy that actually got into my- That actually hacked into my original hosting account on Tripod. And then the following one on-
 '''Kacey:''' How did he do it?
 '''Chris:''' He tried to... to turn the- turn the website around and make it look- make it look like- make it mock ME. He-
 '''Kacey:''' I mean how did he figure out your passwords and logins and stuff, did he hack it?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' How did he hack it?
 '''Chris:''' ''[Annoyed]'' I don't know how he hacked it.
 '''Kacey:''' Did you use an easy-to-guess password?
 '''Chris:''' No, I did not use an easy password. I don't even remember what the password was, now.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but anyways, then I- then I tried to like- then I tried using Yahoo... I think it was. Or maybe it was something else I don't know, but anyway then he got in- But then he hacked into that as well, even on Godaddy- Even on my last attempt at- Even on the last attempt at on Godaddy dot com being the web host, he got into that as well. And then I-
 '''Kacey:''' Wow, he sounds very talented!
 '''Chris:''' Ugh... But anyway, you know, I- Anyway, after I got my Godaddy account back I just basically pulled the plug on the- Pulled the plug on the whole Sonichu site thing. And then supposedly he ki- And then, supposedly he killed himself. So I just assumed-
 '''Kacey:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' I just assumed that he's been dead for da few months. I think I sent you Vivian's ad- I think I sent you Vivian's address, if you wanna talk to her and verify.
 '''Kacey:''' That's... That's, um... I don't know what to say about that.
 '''Chris:''' Well you know, you could think- You know, no rush, you could think about dat furder. Um... Shoot, what was I gonna say- Oh yeah, yeah I just assumed that- I just, uh, assumed that he's been dead the whole time and GLAD that he's been dead.
 '''Kacey:''' Uh...
 '''Chris:''' Even Vivian- Even- Even Vivian agreed about- Even agreed on him being dead.
 '''Kacey:''' Then I guess he is, or... I don't know.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' It's a really bad topic.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. It was a bad topic. But you know, I mean like you know, I had to recall cuz you know...
 '''Kacey:''' I mean it's so sad when someone kills themselves.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, it was just- It was just to verify the whole troll- The trolling situation there. From him, and... You know and also like you know, Vivian did write a book and she sent me a copy of it. I think it was called "Da Girl who Ruled Da World". Uhhh, don't tell Vivian, but I never actually read the book. Even though I told- Even though I told her- Even though I lied to her and told her that I read it.
 '''Kacey:''' You shouldn't lie, that's horrible! What if it's a really good book, I mean didn't we talking about this before? Why would you do that?
 '''Chris:''' Hm... It was like, uh, tryin'... I was like, I dunno. I don't remember. It was in the conversation, we were just talkin', and then you know... Yeah, I just- I just did not feel comfortable with saying like, you know, "Oh, I haven't read it", and den she would be encouraging me to read it, but anyway, then anyway- Uh, currently the uh, book is on loan to Rocky, she hasn't given it back to me yet, and she's just had an appendix operation. She's read, uh, she's read, uh, a whole chunk of da book, and it's mostly mockery- mockery against me anyway. Mockery against me and my Sonichu characters.
 '''Kacey:''' Well, like I said, it's probably just free publicity. So, I think I mentioned before I wanted to read it, but you should read it first. You have to read it before you judge it, I'm pretty sure we talked about this.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah we're talkin' about- We're talkin' about Vivian's book, right?
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Okay. Yeah after I get it back from Rocky I'll be sure to read it.
 '''Kacey:''' You should probably get it back very soon.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. M'kay. Alright, so... Yeah, you did not have any classes today, so you just had work?
 '''Kacey:''' Yes. I worked and studied.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, that's good, did you have a good- You had a good day, I guess?
 '''Kacey:''' Well, it was work, you know, so... I just worked.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Puttin' a little more bread on your own table for yourself.
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm.
 '''Chris:''' Very commendable.
 '''Kacey:''' So uh, how's your job search going besides, uh... besides Target?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I got another application to uh, go back online and fill in. But... But yeah, you know, at least I'm making- But yeah, you know, I'm making progress. Eventually, I'll get- Eventually... You know, I'll get da message saying like you know, "Yeah you're hired, come in for the in- or, come in for the interview".
 '''Kacey:''' Hm.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' You should, uh, call in and ask.
 '''Chris:''' Okay.
 '''Kacey:''' You know, make sure they got the application.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that's a good idea, okay. Yeah. Alright I will do that, I will make calls and find out for certain.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, you know, show them you're interested.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Especially- Especially since I know well- I know very well that I can make 980 dollars a month without it affecting my Social.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, you're pretty lucky.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Oh by the way, uh... Yeah I'll let you know- I'll probably let you- I'll probably let you know about this- I wrote up my list of questions to, uh, my Doctor McGovern... Uh, you know, things that uh, you and me and Kim, we talked about a little bit. Um, I wrote 'em out in a letter but unfortunately I was gonna deliver it today, but the office was closed for Labor Day, so...
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, considering my next- Considering my next trip downtown would be Wednesday for the yoga session, I'll drop it off on Wednesday.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh cool, are you gonna send me the questions?
 '''Chris:''' Oh, sure, I'll get- I dunno, would you like me to?
 '''Kacey:''' Um... Sure, why not?
 '''Chris:''' Well-
 '''Kacey:''' I just thought that was why you mentioned it.
 '''Chris:''' Well, no, I mean- I just- I'm just bringin' it up as like, you know, just... You know, just lettin' you know that I'm gonna be inquiring about all that with- with my doctor, sure. Anyway let me- Anyway, I- Anyway... Anyway, basically currently it's five questions, uh... First one is about the, uh, gym membership discount.
 '''Kacey:''' Mm-hm...
 '''Chris:''' And then the second one's a question about, uh, whether I should get back on the Paroxetine or not. But I mean, I don't- I mean, I think I've been okay with- Off- Off it, you know. I feel like I've been better, but it's like, uhh... I felt more- I feel a little bit more vulnerable to stress, but with uh, practicing the stress ma- More- With more practicing the uh, stress management techniques, I feel like I'm about starting to regain emotional control over dat.
 '''Kacey:''' So that was your anti-depressant?
 '''Chris:''' The, uh, Paxil originally, but then I switched over to Paroxetine... Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, well I mean, are you not taking it anymore, 'cause I mean...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I have not been taking it for a month.
 '''Kacey:''' Well I mean if you're so stressed all the time then maybe you should. I mean, that should be up to your doctor, you should ask him that.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Alright... And then I asked- And then I asked him further about the uh, Lipitor... You know... Uh... I don't remember da question, I've already sealed the envelope. And it was just- It was just- And I have it on my- I have it- I have it on my bed in front of me, and... Hm. I guess I could- I guess I- I guess I can rip it open and send you the questions, anyway. But I'm just lettin' you know in a nutshell.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay.
 '''Chris:''' And then like you know- And then the fourth and fifth questions are about my, uh, penis. Number four being about like you know, whether it should be level, or- or- Or, you know, if bent is normal. Or if like you know, if there's a way of straightening it- Of leveling it out. And then the second question is about like you know, getting a prescription to a penis extension medication pill... That sort of thing.
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Awkward pause]'' Okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yep. ''[Another awkward pause, as Chris prepares to ask what he's always wanted to ask]'' Ahh... Okay, I'll just go ahead and get it out of the way - How BIG was Chris's penis?
 '''Kacey:''' WHAT??!? What??
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, I just- I asked you- I just asked you, how big was Chris's penis?
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Laughing]'' That's a really odd question for you to ask me... Um, but I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you, It was definitely, um, a little around nine inches.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, now I- Okay, shh... I mean, REALLY? Nine inches??
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah... You know, sometimes it hurt, but you know, it was good, and it was thick.
 '''Chris:''' Shoot, mine only gets, like, six to seven inches...
 '''Kacey:''' ''[Laughing]'' I'm sorry, it's just a weird question...
 '''Chris:''' I mean, I just felt like I had to know.
 '''Kacey:''' I mean... Okay... Why do you need to know? I mean, I thought you weren't interested in other people's penises, but just tell me, why'd you need to know?
 '''Chris:''' I mean like, who was the, uh... Supposed- In that sense, who was the bigger man, there.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, I guess he won that. But I just- I don't- Okay... I mean, it was just nine, thick, and straight. It was there...
 '''Chris:''' Okay. Well like, you know, while I'm feeling discomfort in that...
 '''Kacey:''' You're the one who asked about how he rocked my world with it!
 '''Chris:''' Well I did not- I did not necessarily ask how he rocked your world with it, I was just asking how big it was.
 '''Kacey:''' I- Well, I mean, come on... I mean you opened that up.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, but it's like you know... Alright I just pretty much established this with Kim, but... I definitely have an insecurity... And- And that's one of my insecurities, like you know, in comparison to other guys... Yeah.
 '''Kacey:''' So you don't like other people's penises, but you want to hear about them so you can compare yourself to them?
 '''Chris:''' No I-
 '''Kacey:''' I don't do that with, like, women's breasts.

==Part 4==

<Center>{{#ev:youtube|MOoOMltHSlk}}</Center>
 '''Chris:''' No actually this is the first time I've asked that question, but it's like you know I just felt like I had to know.
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, okay, well, I mean, why?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, cuz it's like, you know, I'm def- It just makes me think that like, you know- I have been con- I have been on and off and on about like, you know, increasing the size of mine... But I- And then, it's just like you know, I wasn't sure if the, uh, till- It- I- I mean... For about two separate months, I had been, uh, had taken Extenze. But yeah I just hadn't- I just hadn't seen a big difference. Except for like, you know, just aft- Just after taking it, it definitely showed a maximum of seven inches. Erect. Oh by the way I- By the way, actually measuring it, it's like four inches limp.
 '''Kacey:''' ...Okay. I don't know... Okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but anyway, yeah-
 '''Kacey:''' I just thought the only way to make a big difference is to actually get surgery, but...
 '''Chris:''' I mean haven't you- I mean haven't you seen the, uh- I mean surely- Surely you've heard of the penis extension pills.
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah but I thought they weren't supposed to work. I mean, most of them aren't even approved by the FDA and stuff. But I mean, they also say that losing weight helps, they say uh... Every 20 or 30 pounds of fat that you take away, an inch comes back. I don't know if that's true or not, that's probably a rumor.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah it does sound like a rumor.
 '''Kacey:''' Hey, no harm in trying, right?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... At least I'm starting a daily regimen of exercising. And I'm taking the appropriate steps and I'm losing my Buddha Belly...
 '''Kacey:''' Well that's good.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Okay, I'd just hate to end our conversation- End our conversation on such a note, cuz you know, my mind's running- My mind's running blank right now.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay, well um... I'll go ahead and talk to you, I guess, tomorrow. Unless you wanna ask any more questions about Chris's penis, I guess. ''[Laughs]''
 '''Chris:''' I'm not gonna ask any more questions that. ''[Laughs]'' Okay. Alright, well I- Okay, well yeah, good laugh, good laugh, that's a way to end a good- end a conversation well. Okay. Alright well, I'll let you go and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
 '''Kacey:''' Okay, alright, bye.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, yeah alright, bye-bye.

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?fgvc20aqdd5g5x5 mp3 of phonecall]

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 10]]|nextlink=[[Kacey Call 12]]}}

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Trolling]]
[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category:Liquid Saga]]

Chris and sex

2011-11-16T09:25:12Z

TheJerk: /* Chris and gender */

{{Honest}}
[[Chris]] has a warped view of '''sexual intercourse''' (a.k.a. '''hanky-panky'''), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and a sheltered upbringing. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on the HBO network around age 16. He describes pornographic films as "educational".<ref>[[Miyamoto Saga#Chris Sets the Record STRAIGHT]]</ref>

== Knowledge of sex and gender ==
[[Image:Thenightmarecontinues.jpg|thumb|Seven inches? Yeah, right.]]
In his mind, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful... sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate", a description he stole from ''[[Sailor Moon]]''.<ref>[[Mailbag 18#He might as well be talking about how to pilot the space shuttle|Mailbag 18]]</ref> In truth, Chris has never kissed a girl.<ref name="Jackie E-mails 2">[[Jackie E-mails 2]]</ref>

What he knows about sex he's picked up from rudimentary [[Manchester High School|high-school]] [[Dating education|sex education]] or [[pornography]]. This has engendered many false beliefs in Chris which he sticks to religiously. Readers who brave [[Chris Sex Logs|his sex chat logs]] should be able to immediately notice what's going wrong — Chris's fantasies are merely recreations of what he's seen in porno movies, rather than plausible sexual experiences. For example, he believed that [[Kacey]] would get off to a brutal tit-fucking followed by load after load of semen to the face.<ref>[[Kacey Phone Call]]</ref>

Other examples of Chris's crude misconceptions about sex abound. He mimics female porn stars' sex positions, spreads an imaginary vagina a yard across,<ref name="JR Eyes">[[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]]</ref> and thinks that electric shocks to the vagina are pleasurable.<ref name="Cums cat">[[CWC Cums for a Cat]]</ref> He also seems to believe that a woman's vagina is higher up on the woman's body that it actually is;<ref>[http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/File:SchuComicSP3P7.jpg]</ref> this is undoubtedly due to his experience with [[Kimmi]] and [[Officer Nasty]]. The "missionary cowgirl" position mentioned in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]] is a contradiction in terms. He can't even get the most basic double entendres correct, wearing a "receiver's" terrible Mountain Dew parody shirt thinking it's an invitation for women to try and ride [[Duck|his broken penis]].<ref name="JR Eyes" /> He thinks that his [[virgin]]ity is a precious and sought-after treasure which women will come in droves to take (he even went so far as to use it as a bargaining chip to haggle with a prostitute), and believes that [[mass debating|masturbating]] ultimately makes him better at sex.

Due to the combined threat of his somewhat [[Chris and English|slippery grip on language]] and his peculiar mindset on sex, Chris is noticeably confused about basic sexual terminology; for example, in [[Ivy Q&A#Threats|Ivy Q&A]] it's mentioned that Chris told Ivy that he had a "sticky dream" about her. When Ivy asked if he meant a wet dream, he replied, "No, that's when you pee yourself, silly!" While he may have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. He refuses to use familiar terms — either medical or slang — for sex organs, instead calling penises "[[duck]]s" and "[[pickle]]s", and vaginas and vulvae "[[china]]".

According to [[Calling_Out#Calling_Out_Jack_Thaddius_-_Ahuviya|a video]] published in [[August 2011]], Chris enjoys female domination (going as far as to draw Sonichu and Rosechu performing the act in [[Sonichu 10]]). Given Chris's [[Virgin with rage|complete lack of sexual experience]], whether or not he actually knows what femdom is is anyone's guess.

===Chris and gender===
Among his more generally skewed view of gender roles, Chris has a distinctly sexist outlook towards [[Women's rights|women]]. Based on his failed attempts at getting girls at the mall, he has concluded that all girls are [[Boyfriend-free girl|already paired up]], [[Homos|lesbians]], or distracted with shopping. The notion that they might have good reasons for spurning his advances does not occur to him. He can’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that women just might not be drawn to a [[Obesity|fat, dumpy]] [[Chris and Anger|psycho]], carrying an "[[attraction sign]]" and the unpleasant aroma of [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|feces]] mixed with [[Axe]].

In [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]], he referred to women as another species. While at times it may seem as if women are from another planet, they are still classified as ''Homo sapiens'', just like manchildren.

Chris has an interesting grasp of stereotypical gay and straight behavior, too, insisting he's straight even as he acts like a mincing crossdressing homosexual. This can be explained by his [[autism|lack of empathy or ability to pick up on social cues]], but given his reaction to being told he looks gay is to scream "NO I'M NOT!" and ignore anything else, it's unlikely he'll ever learn.

== Moral basis on sex and double standards ==
[[Image:DatingEducation.jpg|thumb|250px|69ing? Intercourse? ''Really''? In a ''children's'' comic? Because they should know all about this stuff.]]
{{quote|You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: but I say to you, that whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.|Matthew 5:27-28}}

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is dictated by the Bible. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he ''hates'' [[homos]], but not hesitating to view lesbian porn and approve of it.<ref>[[CWC's Second Message]]</ref> This logic probably stems from an episode of ''[[Family Guy]]'' where one of Meg's friends states that lesbianism is a choice, while male homosexuality isn't. This comment was intended as a joke, but like most satire, it flew right over Chris's head. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he plans on losing his virginity on the [[Third date|third or fourth date]] with his true [[sweetheart]] (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). Well, guess that the whole “no sex till marriage thing” doesn’t matter that much now, does it?

The Bible also frowns upon [[Nudes|pornographers]], of which he is guilty and holds no visible [[remorse]]. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK.

Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is partially because he goes to [[Wesley Memorial|a very liberal church]], and any question about premarital sex is interpreted quite liberally by [[Rocky]].{{cite}} When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by [[troll]]s, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which is wrong by Christian doctrine.<ref>[[Mumble 8]]</ref> Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his [[Love Quest|Fuck Quest]].

Chris seems to consider a female sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he ever held, he announced his desire to upload on the Internet a video of his first full sexual intercourse.<ref>[[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#The Introduction Image Space is NOT Ad Space (CCS)]]</ref> After further prodding, he added that he would simply hide the camera, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public,<ref>[[Mailbag 31#In which Chris crosses yet another line]]</ref> showing that, for Chris, [[Women's rights|a woman is just a living, sentient sex-toy]], existing only to validate him as a heterosexual.

==Chris in the act==
[[Image:JULAY-small.gif|frame|right|Christian professing his love for "[[Julie]]".]]
Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with [[Julie]], and the infamous [[sex tape]] with [[Kimmi]] shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes ''female'' positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. It seems that Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a [[homo]]).

It should be noted though that in his Rule 34 drawings most of Chris's characters tend to assume positions which are fitting for their gender.<ref>See for example the [[Sonichu 8#The uncensored scenes|uncensored panels]] from Sonichu 8 and [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack]].</ref> This might suggest that Chris adopts female positions not so much due to ignorance regarding sex but more due to [[Tomgirl pictures|identifying with the opposite gender]].

Chris's view of cunnilingus, put on horrific display in [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]], involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris.

In the leaked media, Chris displays that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (bent [[duck]], [[Obesity|fat ass]], lack of endurance) or psychological (performance anxiety, high expectations, intrusive [[homos|homoerotic]] thoughts, subconscious guilt about sex) in nature.

==Staying straight==
''See [[Homos#Fear of being a homo|Fear of being a homo]]''

==Is Chris asexual?==
It is possible that Chris only claims to be STRAIGHT due to the overwhelming portrayal in the media of men being sexually active heterosexuals. This could also explain some of his twisted views regarding sex and romance; he genuinely cannot understand the appeal of most sexual activity.

Some autistics simply do not understand sexual attraction (for example, high-functioning autistic and [[Wikipedia:Hugbox|hugbox]] inventor Temple Grandin chooses to be celibate because she admits that she really does not understand sexual attraction and that she lacks the ability, as a consequence of her autism, to engage in a sexual relationship). It's possible that Chris genuinely does not understand why two people would want to get together and have sexual intercourse, aside from the fact he's seen people in the media do it and that he thinks that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a big boy.

After he was introduced to the term by his Mailbag correspondents, Chris took to interpreting and using "asexual" as an insult. In his [[CWCipedia]] page on [[Damien Antaria (CWCipedia Page)|The Wallflower]], he referred to her as a "Got-Dang Asexual Woman!". He also became very offended when [[Jackie]] implied that he liked [[video games]] more than women, ranting that she should not label him as asexual (and misses her point completely).<ref name="Jackie E-mails 2" /> It is now possible that Chris finds asexual people to be as bad as [[homos]]exuals, judging by both remarks (not to mention he aforementioned disdain from the [[Mailbag]] responses).

==Pedophilia==
{{main|Pedofork}}

==Bestiality==
{{quote|I can imagine myself doing it with a [[Patti-chan|collie]] at least. you know, like Lassie.|Chris in [[IRC (27 December 2008)]]}}
[[File:PattiLuv.jpg|thumb|[[Patti-chan|Run Patti!]]]]
[[File:Super-mode.jpg|thumb|left|90px|Chris, sporting a [[ECV 00002‎|homemade fursuit]].]]

In his [[Chris-chan Discusses...‎|interview with ScrewAttackEurope]], Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself by his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form. Technically, this isn't bestiality, as they're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals. It is heavily implied that Chris [[Mass Debating|masturbates]] while drawing these pictures.

Chris has also suggested that Brian from ''[[Family Guy]]'' be paired up with "any sexy breed" of dog.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Family_Guy#Story_of_the_CWC_Episode_for_.22Family_Guy.22 Family Guy Article on the CWCipedia]</ref>
===Is Chris a furry?===
Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry is still debated.<ref>From [[Sarah May Skype Logs#Chris tries to leave|the Sarah May Skype Logs]]: [7:17:25] '''Sarah May''': Did you feel sexually aroused when you drew them? [7:17:34] '''Christopher C.W.C.''': a bit.</ref> There are some things that points in that direction. [[Chris-chan Sonichu]] is in many ways similar to a fursona. Chris has also used the character while cybering with [[Julie]].<ref name="Cums cat" /> Finally, in the [[Giant Penis Comic]], Chris and [[Ivy]] both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. However, it has been confirmed by [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] that Chris has prejudice against furries, not because of who they are, but because many furries tend to be [[homos]].<ref>[[Mimms and Lucas Q&A#Racism and homophobia]]</ref>
{{-}}

==Prostitution==
{{quote|"In my sarch [''sic''] on [[Wikipedia:Craigslist|Craigslist]], the ONLY women who left a phone number on their Ad were under "Adult Services", which they would have wanted money. I tried calling one, learned she wanted a hundred, then in the middle of telling my story about [[Jack]] and my [[PSN]] account recovery with a Sex video, she hung up on me. :("|Chris, wasting a prostitute's time{{cite}}}}

Given how badly Chris seems to want to lose his [[virgin]]ity, many observers have wondered why he hasn't long since spent some of his [[monthly tugboat]] on a prostitute. [[Mumble 4]], from [[February 2009]], answered that question for a while. There, Chris explained that paying for sex would render the act "meaningless," and he was afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Needs must as the devil drives, though. While being blackmailed by [[Jack Thaddeus]] in the summer of [[2009]], Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked [[PlayStation Network]] accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life to try and gain sympathy. He was genuinely shocked when she didn't offer to fuck him out of pity, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

Previously, in [[March 2009]], [[Brian Bash]] had sent a trio of prostitutes to [[14 Branchland Court|Chris's house]] so he would no longer be a virgin with rage. [[Hooker incident|Hilarity ensued]].

By the beginning of [[2010]], Chris's views on prostitution had further softened. According to his [[Vivian Gee E-mails 2|conversations with Vivian Gee]], around the turn of the year he was attempting to save $100 out of his monthly budget to buy himself a whore for his 28th [[birthday]]. This, presumably, was the "hundred dollars for a damn hooker" he referred to when [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|begging the Wallflower for sex]] on YouTube in [[March 2010]].

Between [[April 2010|April]] and [[July 2010]], under the name of [[Carlos Chantor]], Chris tried to offer himself up as a male escort. He described himself as "[[Chris and reality|Experienced for Her Pleasure]]", with an [[obesity|average]] body type.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 6]]</ref>

Later, under the guise of his troll persona [[JenkinsJinkies]], Chris attempted to acquire the contact details of the hookers Brian Bash had previously hired. While it is possible that Chris merely wished to make his disguise more convincing by implying that 14 year old Jenkins wished to hire prostitutes, it seems far more likely that Chris actually was considering hiring Brian's girls.

==Incest==
{{incomplete}}

[[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal]], his imaginary twin sister, appeared as a "girlfriend" card he made for ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh]]'', and her attractiveness and desirability are brought up several times in the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] comics well after being established as Chris's twin. Chris has shown complete ignorance in matters incestuous before; his [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]] are all related, but many of them are paired off with one-another, banging and some even [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Children|having kids]]. Being raised without siblings present, he has no experience with filial relationships, and [[autism]] ensures he has no inkling of what it entails. He didn't even know the word, let alone the concept, of "incest" until someone mentioned and explained it to him.<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref> He has trouble contemplating why incest is wrong when, to him, [[china]] is china. Only brother-brother incest is wrong because it is [[homosexual]] in nature. He doesn't understand why sister-sister incest would be bad, because it involves [[Gaybian|girl-on-girl]].

==Rape==

{{Protip|Despite your worst fears, Chris won't ever manage to rape anybody, so stop saying that.}}

Chris has a poor understanding of the effects of rape, starting from the [[Megan]] saga all the way to [[PandaHalo]]. Misguided trolls claim that Chris will one day try to rape someone due to his stalker tendencies. Due to his warped view of romance and [[Power|inability to pin someone down long enough]] to commit the act, it is highly unlikely that Chris will ever rape anyone.

Despite this reassurance, it's no less discomforting to know that despite whatever personal feelings he has on the act, he seems to have trouble understanding what non-consensual contact is. As evidenced in [[iPods Down and Listen Up]], he doesn't seem to realize that his improvised lyrics detail a sexual act that would almost certainly be construed by others as rape- the idea of letting his "prey" wear herself out before moving on her may not have registered to Chris as sounding wrong.

==See also==
*[[Homos]]
*[[Women's rights]]
*[[Semen]]
*[[Mass debating]]
*[[Duck]]
*[[Pickle]]
*[[Chris and his ego]]
*[[Chris Sex Logs]]

== Sources ==
<references/>

{{Chris and}}

Ghostbusters

2011-11-15T20:26:15Z

TheJerk: /* The Sonichu Connection */

{{quote|♪Let's go, Ghostbusters, let's go! Let's go, let's go!♪|[[CWC]]|<ref>[[Sonichu 7 Official Videobook]]</ref>}}
[[Image:GhostBuggy.jpg|thumb|Brings back fond childhood memories to... uh...]]

'''''Ghostbusters''''' (often '''''Filmation's Ghostbusters''''' to avoid confusion) was a syndicated television cartoon that ran sixty-five episodes in late [[1986]].

==Background==
If you were a child of the 80s, you probably wondered, "Why the hell is that awesome cartoon with Venkman, Egon, and Slimer called ''[[Wikipedia:The Real Ghostbusters|The '''Real''' Ghostbusters]]''"? And since there was no Wikipedia back then, your mom probably told you to stop asking stupid questions, or go outside and play.

Well, thanks to a forgotten show in their back catalog, [[Wikipedia:Filmation|Filmation]] struck gold in [[1984]] when [[Wikipedia:Columbia Pictures|Columbia Pictures]] had a hit with a movie [[Wikipedia:Ghostbusters|of the same title]]. Filmation sued Columbia in [[1985]] over the use of the title ''Ghostbusters'', and in the ensuing settlement Columbia agreed that it would not use that name for a cartoon based on their film. Filmation quickly cranked out a low-budget spinoff of its 1970s live-action show to capitalize on the free marketing. The results were immanently forgettable, and destined to join the vast catalog of [[American Rabbit|cut-rate VHS cartoons]] that populated bargain bins at local grocers in the early 1990s.

The fun parallel here is that, in response to Filmation's legal trolling, Columbia responded in a truly [[autism|ingenious]] fashion: they called their own cartoon series ''[[REAL Protest against the FAKE|The '''Real''' Ghostbusters]]''. That, friends, is the honest truth.

When asked what he considers the five best television shows that he's ever seen, Chris was frank:

{{quote|Transformers (ALL Seasons and Sets), Sonic the Hedgehog (All Shows), Pok'emon (All Seasons), Mythbusters, Filmation's Ghostbusters (Little Care for "The Real Ghostbusters"; Jake, Eddie and Tracy WERE THE ORIGINAL REAL GHOSTBUSTERS).|CWC|<ref>[[Common Questions]]</ref>}}

==Premise==
The Ghostbusters on the show lived in a headquarters called Ghost Command, where they would receive missions from a television called Skelevision. When going into action they would enter the Skelevator which would send them through an absurd, Rube Goldberg-esque system that would change their casual dress to safari outfits and then deposit them into their transport, the Ghost Buggy. The running gag in this sequence is that the team's leader, Jake Kong, Jr., has no difficulty going through the system, while the show's [[Christian Weston Chandler|overweight comedy relief]], Eddie Spencer, Jr., bounces around awkwardly. This "transformation sequence" was a fixture of the show, and was accompanied by the show's main theme. You can see it yourself [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgPO1J1bMDw here].

==The Sonichu Connection==
[[Image:Notthebathroom.jpg|thumb|Whoops!]]

While the average 20-something would have struggled to remember the names of the characters in ''The Real Ghostbusters,'' Christian casually worked references to its forgotten namesake into an all-ages comic book. In [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], Chris was inspired to drop in a ''[[Family Guy]]''-esque non-sequitur TV reference with ''Ghostbusters'' as the vehicle.

{{quote|Hmm... I feel as silly as the time that I temporary [sic] gained weight, became stupid, and went to watch television at ghost command.|[[Cartoon CWC]]<ref>[[Sonichu 7]]</ref>}}

Fat, stupid Cartoon CWC (played by actor and Peter Griffin-analogue [[Sammy]]) was hanging out at Ghost Command, until he mistook the Skelevator for a restroom and entered the transformation sequence with hilarious results. That is, he repeats the Eddie Spencer gag sequence almost exactly, including his final impact in the Ghost Buggy, which moans, "Ohhh...my achin' axels!"

==References==
<references />

==External links==
*[[Wikipedia:Ghostbusters (1986 TV series)|Filmation's ''Ghostbusters'']] at [[Wikipedia]]
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0127569/ ''Ghostbusters'' on IMDb]

==See also==
*[[Sammy]]
*[[TrollBusters]]
*[[American Rabbit]]

[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]
[[Category:Television shows]]

Power

2011-11-15T20:14:52Z

TheJerk: /* Transcript */

'''Power''' is a file, published by [[The Miscreants]], in which [[Chris]] performs various dubious feats of strength. The .zip includes three videos, an audio file and a "special thanks" document. It was published along with [[CWCFlyingElephants]] on 27 [[April 2009]].

==Video==

{{Infobox/video
| name = Power
| video = {{#ev:youtube|TREWHpjD2Rc}}
| stardate = 27 [[April 2009]]
| subject = {{Power|text}}
| style = {{Comedy|text}}
| other = {{Leaked|text}}
| previous = [[I Got A Fish]]
| next = [[CWCFlyingElephants]]
}}

=== Transcript ===
[[Image:He-Chan.jpg|thumb|right|BY THE POWER OF NUMBSKULL!]]

StrongCWC1 (0:00 - 0:15)

'''I HAAAVE THE POWEEERRRR!!! FEEL MY WRATH!!''' [''retarded "guitar solo"'']

StrongCWC2 (0:16 - 0:38)

We will now be watching the strong man, lifting a '''very heavy''' ''office chair''. Note: the chair [[WeighIn|weighs a ''grand'' number of ''pounds''.]]
[''lifts the chair with considerable effort, using mainly his back'']
Ahhhhh! Ta-da! '''FEEL MY WRATH!!''' [''puts the chair back down'']

StrongCWCPower (0:39 - 0:55)

Now we will be seeing the strong man lifting ''the same chair'', but with a '''very heavy''' basket full of junk in the chair.

[''bends down to pick up the chair, giving us a good view of his [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS]] in the process- he struggles to lift the chair, and spills a good portion of what appears to be books in the process'']
'''HHHNGG [[random access humor|I ONCE KNEW A MAN FROM NANTUCKET!!''']] [''puts the chair back down very quickly'']

==See also==
* [[CWCFlyingElephants]]
* [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|I'LL SEND EVERYTHING IN MY '''POWER!''']]
* [[Prower]]

==External links==
* [http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Q0VPMWR1 Download Power]

{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[I Got A Fish]]|nextlink=[[CWCFlyingElephants]]|}}
{{LeakedVideos}}
{{Power videos}}

[[Category:Trolling]]

[[Category:Chris-chan videos, April 2009| 2009-04-27]]

Chris and remorse

2011-11-15T02:56:19Z

TheJerk: /* Rationalization */

Every so often, one of the horrendous things [[Chris]] continually does catches up with him, and he is forced to apologize. These apologies, like most of the other times Chris tries to come off as emotional, often feel very forced and insincere, leading many [[trolls]] to wonder if Chris is even capable of feeling '''remorse'''.

It's not out of the question. A common trait of [[autism]] is a lack of empathy, meaning it's likely that Chris has a difficult time trying to understand what other people feel. Just as time and time again he's shown himself unable to understand others' feelings of [[Chris and death|loss or sadness]], he seems equally incapable of understanding how his actions could possibly hurt or anger others. When he is expected to show remorse, it often seems as though he is just going through the motions, making the absolute minimum effort to get whoever he has upset to stop pestering him, so he can go back to his oblivious existence playing [[PS3]].

==Concept of Wrongdoing==

Developing an understanding of right and wrong is an important part of a child's development. Very young children don't actually take into consideration what is ethically the right or wrong thing to do. They base their actions on whether they are punished and rewarded, before they eventually internalize a consistent value system and learn to police their own behavior. Chris seems to be stuck in the earlier, childlike state. If something makes him feel bad, or if experience tells him he'll get in trouble for doing something, it must be wrong. If it makes him feel good, or looks like it could have potential rewards, it must be right. Other considerations, such as what his [[Chris and religion|supposed faith]] prescribes or how this will affect others, simply do not rank.

An excellent example would be how Chris managed to destroy his relationship with [[Megan]]. Chris was at war with [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], who were, among other things, calling him [[gay]]. In an attempt to disprove their allegations, Chris uploaded [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|a certain image]] to the website, apparently under the belief that that sort of information overload would get them to shut up. When the denizens of ED assumed the image was of Crystal, Chris was quick to correct them. At no point did he even consider Megan's feelings. When she [[Megan_Emails,_2008#Megan is scarred by ShecameforCWC.JPG|called him out]], Chris didn't realize he had done anything wrong, and assumed she was upset simply because she didn't watch enough [[Chris and sex|porn]].

{{Quote|I understand. You may or may not have had much exposure to sexual images as I've had, so the idea of a "hand job" (which was the act drawn there) as part of [[Chris and English|outtercourse]] (versus intercourse) was a surprise to you. I'm sorry.|Chris, [[Megan_Emails,_2008#Chris thinks she was scarred because she doesn't know much about sex|not getting it at all]].}}

As such, Chris isn't really capable of remorse or a sincere apology. The natural precursor to an apology is the internal realization that one has done something wrong, a realization that Chris's childish, self-centered mindset will not allow him to reach. In his mind, he's done something "wrong" only when the people around him react negatively. Furthermore, as a rule, he assumes that their reaction is just the result of some misunderstanding, reasoning that if he was just given the chance to explain what he was trying to accomplish, they would understand, and all would be forgiven.

==Motivation to apologize==
[[Image:VivianLetsTalkBusiness.PNG|thumb|I'm sorry, now give me money.]]
As explained above, Chris's logic when it comes to matters of right and wrong is almost wholly reactionary. His rationale for apologizing follows the same pattern. He issues them only when made fully aware that he won't get what he wants unless he at least tries to appear genuinely remorseful.

Every apology Chris has ever made can be immediately connected to something Chris wants, and thinks he'll get if he says the magic words "I'm sorry". We almost never have to guess what that thing might be, he almost always mentions his desired goal in the same paragraph, sometimes even in the next sentence.
{{Quote|I wish to apologize to Michael Schneider for that mistake I made over nine months ago that got me kicked out of The GAMe PLACe... I miss my Friday nights over there… and also... y’all are the only place in town that has, uh, Eye of Judgment cards.|Chris, [[Apology to Game & Hobby Place|apologizing in order to buy stuff]].}}
{{Quote|I apologize for the past unformalities[sic] and emotional outbursts in past communications... I ask for 25% of all money... you have and will have made from all [the [[audiobooks]]] you have put together and sold.|Chris, apologizing for sending [[Vivian Gee|Vivian]] a fucking [[Death threats|death threat]].}}
[[File:154-ApologyLetter.jpg|thumb|This is what Chris actually believes.]]
Because Chris's apologies spring from this simplistic cause-and-effect mentality, things tend to get interesting when whoever he's issuing them to tells him that all is not well, and that he is not forgiven. In [[I am Alive|one notable case]], he admitted to ungentlemanly conduct regarding his feud with [[Asperchu]]. It was a fairly obvious attempt to get [[CWCipedia#CWCipedia_Advertisements|certain ads removed from the CWCipedia]], but, notably, he announced his intention to kill off the character of [[Simonla Rosechu]], in accordance with [[Evan|her creator's]] wishes. He didn't act quickly enough, and CWCipedia was taken down from the web altogether. Although his anger was understandable, Chris revealed in [[9 February 2010|his next video]] that he had never intended to kill Simonla in the first place, and that the apology was not TRUE and HONEST. We had all suspected, but it's nice to get confirmation once in a while. After CWCipedia returned, he did indeed kill Simonla, but only under pressure, and in the most contrived, dull, yet very lulzy way possible.

The one apology that arguably highlights Chris's insincerity the most is his in-comic apology to the Asperpedia Four, which takes place ''while [[Chris_and_hypocrisy#.22I_would_have_them_ESS-acuted.21.22_.E2.80.94_Capital_Punishment|condemning them to death]]''. The cognitive dissonance this creates would be overwhelming to any sane person, but [[Autism|for some reason]], Chris thought that this ludicrous non-apology apology was both okay and that the recipients would accept it as genuine. In that very same issue in fact, Chris at one point sheds a tear after sealing up the populated [[4-cent garbage.com]] building and destroying it. You know, because faking remorse with crocodile tears ''totally'' justifies mass murder.

Chris' insincerity can also be seen in Chris's misadventures with [[The Wallflower]]. When the shit hit the fan and she cut off all ties with him, he made his usual [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|pathetic display of sorrow]], making it very clear in the process that he only wanted her for [[sex]]. When his apology failed to work as planned, Chris became very angry and spiteful, and started [[Damien Antaria (CWCipedia page)|demanding that she apologize for hurting ''his'' feelings]].
{{-}}

==Common traits of a CWC apology==

===Explanation===
One recurring element in Chris's admissions of guilt is an explanation of why he did whatever he's apologizing for. The way these speeches are worded often indicates that Chris believes that if we just understood his intentions, we would all agree with him, and that nobody would be offended.

A famous example appears in the [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 28th, 2009]] video. Chris explains that yes, he videotaped himself performing a selection of disturbing sex acts, but it was all for his sweetheart [[Ivy]], and this evidently renders his actions understandable and acceptable. Supposedly speaking to a young child who was shocked by his behavior, he tells her that his behavior was perfectly reasonable because he is both adult and human. This combination of warped logic and an even more warped world-view was a crucial component of his breakthrough to mainstream infamy.

Another good example would be the time he [[Twin Falling Towers|used the worst terrorist attack in American history for an exceedingly bad joke]]. After learning that [[Kacey]] came from a military family, Chris did what was expected of him and made a [[Apology for 9/11 Joke|public apology]]. However, he was more concerned with continuing to slander [[Clyde Cash]] and assuring us he was a good American (although he didn't know the words to his own national anthem)<ref>[[Mumble 7#summary|Mumble Chat 7]]</ref><ref>[[Red Letter CWC Certified Day]]</ref> than with actually expressing remorse and making an attempt at recompense.
[[Image:SnuffOutClyde.jpg|thumb|This looks like a good idea.]]
{{Quote|The joke was mainly directed to how WEAK Clyde Cash was only, I had no idea or intention of offending anyone, other than Clyde, on such a massive world-wide level.|[[Apology_for_9/11_Joke#Apology_image_text|Chris's written apology]].}}

Within the same video, he changed the photoshop he'd done of the World Trade Center towers into birthday candles. That he saw no problem in presenting an image of the two buildings on fire and repeatedly calling them weak while he asserted that he was a good American proves that he [[Slow-in-the-mind|completely missed the point]] of what he was supposed to be apologizing for. He was far more concerned with sullying Clyde's name than with any blowback or offense his comments might have caused.

===Rationalization===

Chris is incredibly self-righteous. In his mind he is the only decent man left in the world, and everybody else is a stupid, evil [[JERKS|JERK]] who is jealous of his [[Chris and his Ego|many]] [[Chris and Reality|"successes"]] in life. This mindset gives Chris all the justification he needs to mistreat others, because as far as he's concerned they're all the bad guys, standing in the way of his [[Love Quest|heroic quest]].

This "everything I do is right" mindset shows through when he is forced to talk about his prior transgressions. Chris might offer a half-assed apology, simply to conform to the wishes of whoever he's talking to, but it will often be accompanied with a long explanation as to why he ''had'' to do it.

{{Quote|I was wrong... I pretended to be him yet he was the liar. I'm the real deal... So on that one part I was wrong for the right reasons.|Chris, [[I Love You Kacey|almost admitting wrongdoing]].}}

He exhibited this self-righteous attitude many times in the [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid Chris]] saga: because he is the TRUE and HONEST Christian, this gave him the right to [[For Kacey from CWC|attempt to steal Liquid's girlfriend by]] [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be him]], and then [[SHE IS MINE NOW|gloat about it once he apparently achieved his aim]]. Once again, Chris saw no wrong in this. Since Liquid wronged him by trolling him in the first place, anything he did in response was entirely justified.

==Retraction==

Chris, believing that his actions are always right, nearly always has to be pressured into making any form of apology at all. Most, if not all, of his apology messages are motivated by the people he [[Fuck Quest|physically desires]] (be they obvious troll or otherwise) or [[Asperchu|desires to appease]], rather than the public outcry he causes, and certainly not by any true sense of guilt. A retraction of an apology is just as hollow as the apology itself, in that Chris is quite happy to lie to [[Chris and his ego|save face]] or gain [[china|something he wants]]. For instance, Chris '''finally''' [[02 March 2010|'sincerely' apologized to Alec and Mao]] for his actions to them on 2 March 2010. However, only a month later, on 8 April, he was talking to [[Jackie_e-mails#Chris's only friends: trolls and his parents|Jackie]] and, in an attempt to gain sympathy from her, claimed that Alec was "trying to one-up [him] for months now".

When trolls hacked his PSN accounts, Chris made [[a near public apology]]. A blatant attempt to get his PSN account back, the apology was, of course, chock full of lies and insincerity.

One of his favorite ways to smite his [[Clyde Cash|invisible internet enemies]] and [[jerkop|real-life foes alike]] is to lay a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]] upon them; thinking that he has powers akin to something more along the lines of Wicca, Voodoo, or Goku from [[Things Chris has ripped off|DBZ]] than with the [[Chris and religion|Christianity]] he practices. He only issued the [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha Retraction]] after [[Kacey|his latest e-girlfriend]] told him that he shouldn't have used the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha in the first place..

Considering that he [[Surfshack Tito (video)|quickly returned]] to his ways of cursing, [[Don't Mess With Me|threatening]], and [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|insulting]] his enemies, the sentiment obviously didn't stick.

==Shifting blame==

When Chris isn't trying to justify the trouble he causes, he usually resorts to blaming others. The most famous example is him blaming [[ED]] for the end of his friendship with [[Megan]], even though it was because of a picture he himself thought up, drew, and then uploaded to his [[ED|article]]. Chris had it literally screamed at him in [[Mumble 3]], but then, as now, he still doesn't know the true reason. The best anyone has ever been able to extract from Chris is that he came on too strong. While technically true, this is a vast understatement which fails to capture the massive amount of fault which lies with Chris (that is to say, all of it).

====The Wallflower====

Chris went to great lengths to keep the knowledge of [[The Wallflower]] away from the slanderous trolls of the Internet. However, he foolishly credited her by her screen name during one of his sycophantic Little Big Planet levels and the trolls used that to find her Facebook page... which then led to a massive dump of info about her on the CWCki. When she was later linked to said CWCki, and horrified at the amount of information available about her, she requested that the CWCki admins remove the information since she really had very little to do with Chris and didn't deserve such a descriptive page about her. ''(Note: naturally, since her request seemed reasonable, the CWCki admins complied and replaced all references to her with a pseudonym.)''

Frightened and disgusted by what she had found, [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|she broke off all contact with Chris]], including even casual association. She also clarified to the CWCki admins that they had never dated, never had any kind of relationship beyond casual association, and before her introduction to the CWCki she really didn't know much about him at all. Chris, however, [[Chris and reality|not to be deterred]], proclaimed many times that they had [[Damien_Antaria_(CWCipedia_page)#What_had_happened|been on several dates]], and [[Damien_Antaria_(CWCipedia_page)#What_had_happened|"Shared DNA"]], along with enjoying a kiss and massage. Since this would have been Chris's "real" first kiss (aside from "[[Chloe]]", a lie), it was considered important by obsessive CWCki editors to see if he remembers it later (the Wallflower CWCipedia page article was written on April the 19th). Naturally... [[Jackie e-mails Part 2|leaked e-mails from Jackie]] show that by the 10th of April, ''nine days before making this highly suspicious claim'', [[Jackie_e-mails_Part_2#Jackie.27s_Questionaire_1|Chris had either momentarily forgotten that he had never been kissed]], something that would have been a monumental occasion in his life, lied on his CWCipedia about being kissed, or lied to Jackie about ''not'' being kissed (though that is very unlikely). Either way, he still lied about the kiss, although it's ''possible'' he's basing his story on a gross exaggeration of the truth (the two sharing a drinking straw is the current troll favorite for this).

With ALL the above in mind... in the month following their "breakup", Chris would go on to blame The Wallflower for [[Damien_Antaria_(CWCipedia_page)#The_Breakup|having an internet presence at all]]. In Chris's warped view of things, the reason that she broke up with him was because, by allowing herself to have a Facebook page and other information, ''she enabled herself to suffer because of Chris's actions''. Chris mentioned that he was ready to accept an apology ''from her'' at their social group meeting, when the reality was he should have been the one offering most sincere groveling for allowing his reprehensible behavior to be [[CWCki|published]]. Over a year after the debacle, though, it seems that Chris has [[Calling Out|begun to accept ''some'']] of the blame from the ordeal, though he has now shifted it towards Surfshack Tito.

====Forgetting====

Aside from directly shifting the blame by [[list of Chris's lies|lying]], Chris has been frequently known to 'forget' important, critical details of his life, typically ones that make him look bad. When [[Jackie e-mails|Jackie]] was flirting with him by e-mails and found out about the CWCki, she asked Chris about cheating on [[Ivy]] with [[Vanessa]], the full details of which are documented right [[Ivy|here]]. Chris, of course, claimed flat out that the whole thing was a troll deception and that Jackie shouldn't believe it. When Jackie informed Chris she found a video of him admitting it and confessing, Chris claimed he [[Jackie_e-mails_Part_3#Chris "Forgot" He Cheated On Ivy|"forgot" this "portion"]].

On [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 27th, 2008|October 27th in 2008]], Chris nervously announced he had found his one true sweetheart; [[Chloe]]. Many things immediately leapt out at the trolls as being lies, including his previous announcements on an [[Chris's Sonichu IRC Chloe Introduction|IRC chat]]. Due to Chris's unreliable short-term memory and inaction on the part of [[trolls]], after the 27 October video Chloe was never mentioned again in a video by Chris. A little more than a year later, in [[Mailbag 13]], rather than simply admit he was lying, Chris claimed "I currently have no recollection of a Chloe", even though she was supposedly the woman he had his first real kiss with.

In [[Mumble 6#On The Trans-gender Community|Mumble 6]], the troll army called out Chris on his statements regarding transgendered women. Chris claims that he forgot his previous statement, which may or may not be completely honest. In any event, Chris has discovered that (real or otherwise) a faulty memory is a socially acceptable way to dodge probing questions about ones past lies.

== Index of Chris's apologies ==

Below is an abridged list of Chris's various apologies for his many, many misdeeds. Small apologies may have been missed here and there, but these are the big ones.

*When Megan [[Megan_Emails,_2008#Megan is scarred by ShecameforCWC.JPG|called Chris out on his reprehensible actions]] regarding the porn he drew of her, he first [[Megan_Emails,_2008#Chris apologizes for something, what could it be?|copy-pasted "Megan, I'm sorry for hurting you."]] fifteen times in an e-mail to her, then [[Megan_Emails,_2008#Chris thinks she was scarred because she doesn't know much about sex|went into detail about how a handjob works]], figuring that [[virgin with rage|sexual frustration]] and [[naive|ignorance]] were the root causes of her [[chris and anger|anger]]. Projecting, much?
*After Chris was banned from [[The Game Place]], he tried several times to get unbanned. The first was [[Apology to Game & Hobby Place|a video where Chris apologies just so he can buy more junk]]. The [[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean|second]] was where he prepared a script, stashed a camera in his pocket, then walked into The Game Place to confront [[Michael Snyder]], claiming he had changed and apologizing for his actions. After Michael flatly refused to listen and called the cops, Chris berated him on religious grounds then called him a Jew.
*After threatening [[Vivian]]'s life when she made better [[audiobooks]] than he did, Chris apologized to her... then made a demand for a cut of her "profits", the two sentences separated by only a single dot.
*In [[I am Alive]], Chris apologizes for his ungentlemanly conduct in regard to Asperchu. This was a transparent attempt to get the [[homo]] ads removed from the [[CWCipedia]] and his behavior [[9 February 2010|subsequent]] to this apology proved he meant nothing he said in the video.
*In [[Sonichu 10]], Chris apologized to the Asperchu Four ''while simultaneously having them brutally executed'', including having one of them killed by a [[Sandy|toddler]].
*After [[April 16 Fetish Vids|filming himself performing sex acts for Ivy]], Chris [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 28th, 2009|apologized for his actions]] but structured his apology to state that his behavior was, in fact, completely normal and that [[Ching Chong]] shouldn't feel bad for watching it.
*In [[Matthew 5 27, CWC Confessions]], Chris apologized for cheating on [[Ivy]].
*After [[Twin Falling Towers|mocking the worst act of domestic terrorism]] in United States history, Chris made a subsequent [[Apology for 9/11 Joke|apology video]]... which featured the Twin Towers as candles on a birthday cake, complete with multiple gouts of flame flying from the top.
*When [[Kacey]] discovered Chris had pretended to be the [[Liquid Chris|other, better Chris]] in order to get a travel visa to [[China]], Chris apologized by way of his video [[I Love You Kacey|"I Love You Kacey"]], where he claimed he "...was wrong for the right reasons."
*Chris '''finally''' [[02 March 2010|'sincerely' apologized to Alec and Mao]] for his actions to them on the 2nd of March. However, only a month later on the 8th of April he was talking to [[Jackie_e-mails#Chris's only friends: trolls and his parents|Jackie]] and, in an attempt to gain sympathy from her, claimed that Alec was "trying to one-up [him] for months now".

==Sources==
<references />

{{Chris and}}

Ghostbusters

2011-11-15T02:18:46Z

TheJerk: /* Background */

{{quote|♪Let's go, Ghostbusters, let's go! Let's go, let's go!♪|[[CWC]]|<ref>[[Sonichu 7 Official Videobook]]</ref>}}
[[Image:GhostBuggy.jpg|thumb|Brings back fond childhood memories to... uh...]]

'''''Ghostbusters''''' (often '''''Filmation's Ghostbusters''''' to avoid confusion) was a syndicated television cartoon that ran sixty-five episodes in late [[1986]].

==Background==
If you were a child of the 80s, you probably wondered, "Why the hell is that awesome cartoon with Venkman, Egon, and Slimer called ''[[Wikipedia:The Real Ghostbusters|The '''Real''' Ghostbusters]]''"? And since there was no Wikipedia back then, your mom probably told you to stop asking stupid questions, or go outside and play.

Well, thanks to a forgotten show in their back catalog, [[Wikipedia:Filmation|Filmation]] struck gold in [[1984]] when [[Wikipedia:Columbia Pictures|Columbia Pictures]] had a hit with a movie [[Wikipedia:Ghostbusters|of the same title]]. Filmation sued Columbia in [[1985]] over the use of the title ''Ghostbusters'', and in the ensuing settlement Columbia agreed that it would not use that name for a cartoon based on their film. Filmation quickly cranked out a low-budget spinoff of its 1970s live-action show to capitalize on the free marketing. The results were immanently forgettable, and destined to join the vast catalog of [[American Rabbit|cut-rate VHS cartoons]] that populated bargain bins at local grocers in the early 1990s.

The fun parallel here is that, in response to Filmation's legal trolling, Columbia responded in a truly [[autism|ingenious]] fashion: they called their own cartoon series ''[[REAL Protest against the FAKE|The '''Real''' Ghostbusters]]''. That, friends, is the honest truth.

When asked what he considers the five best television shows that he's ever seen, Chris was frank:

{{quote|Transformers (ALL Seasons and Sets), Sonic the Hedgehog (All Shows), Pok'emon (All Seasons), Mythbusters, Filmation's Ghostbusters (Little Care for "The Real Ghostbusters"; Jake, Eddie and Tracy WERE THE ORIGINAL REAL GHOSTBUSTERS).|CWC|<ref>[[Common Questions]]</ref>}}

==Premise==
The Ghostbusters on the show lived in a headquarters called Ghost Command, where they would receive missions from a television called Skelevision. When going into action they would enter the Skelevator which would send them through an absurd, Rube Goldberg-esque system that would change their casual dress to safari outfits and then deposit them into their transport, the Ghost Buggy. The running gag in this sequence is that the team's leader, Jake Kong, Jr., has no difficulty going through the system, while the show's [[Christian Weston Chandler|overweight comedy relief]], Eddie Spencer, Jr., bounces around awkwardly. This "transformation sequence" was a fixture of the show, and was accompanied by the show's main theme. You can see it yourself [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgPO1J1bMDw here].

==The Sonichu Connection==
[[Image:Notthebathroom.jpg|thumb|Whoops!]]

While the average 20-something would have struggled to remember the names of the characters in ''The Real Ghostbusters,'' Christian casually worked references to its forgotten namesake into an all-ages comic book. In [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], Chris was inspired to drop in a ''[[Family Guy]]''-esque non-sequitur TV reference with ''Ghostbusters'' as the vehicle.

{{quote|Hmm... I feel as silly as the time that I temporary gained weight, became stupid, and went to watch television at ghost command.|[[Cartoon CWC]]<ref>[[Sonichu 7]]</ref>}}

Fat, stupid Cartoon CWC (played by actor and Peter Griffin-analogue [[Sammy]]) was hanging out at Ghost Command, until he mistook the Skelevator for a restroom and entered the transformation sequence with hilarious results. That is, he repeats the Eddie Spencer gag sequence almost exactly, including his final impact in the Ghost Buggy, which moans, "Ohhh...my achin' axels!"

==References==
<references />

==External links==
*[[Wikipedia:Ghostbusters (1986 TV series)|Filmation's ''Ghostbusters'']] at [[Wikipedia]]
*[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0127569/ ''Ghostbusters'' on IMDb]

==See also==
*[[Sammy]]
*[[TrollBusters]]
*[[American Rabbit]]

[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]
[[Category:Television shows]]

Talk:28 October 2011

2011-11-12T20:56:02Z

TheJerk: /* End of the world */ new section

{{Not A Forum}}
== Proposed article ==

This is my proposed solution to how we manage and collect information pertaining to the events of October 28th 2011.

To-do:
* Add categories
* Add more verifiable information
* <s>Screencap the pages from the court website for preservation.</s>

--[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 14:44, 5 November 2011 (PDT)

: Do we have a field agent that can attend the court hearing? That should give us the entire story behind all of this --[[User:SargentPickles|SargentPickles]] 13:15, 5 November 2011 (PDT)

Shouldn't it be mentioned this is the first (major) event since Bob died? --[[User:IwegalBadnik|IwegalBadnik]] 13:43, 5 November 2011 (PDT)
*Is it noteworthy enough to note that their arraignments (or the time that the defendants are told of their crimes and to take guilty or not guilty pleas) have come to pass and according to their records, they are listed as "continued" which in this case means that they probably pled "not guilty" and are now facing their day in court? The only other explanation of "continued" being listed that I found was this, "continued in court cases generally means that they (defendant) plead 'not guilty' or that a plea deal/plea bargain is in the works". I just thought it'd be a note worthy fact-- that they are either planning a deal, or that they think they are not guilty. --[[User:4Macie|4Macie]] 10:46, 7 November 2011 (PST)
:The article is already rife with speculation, and until we see court documents or other documents - we don't know the exact circumstances surrounding the charges, the pleas given (if any), medical considerations or other reasons for deferral. I'd rather we waited until we could prove the reason for deferral under the "continued" reason before we document it. --[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 11:10, 7 November 2011 (PST)

===Title===
Shouldn't the title be Americanized? September 11th isn't referred to as 11/9.--[[User:Steve Landcleamer|Steve Landcleamer]] 16:06, 5 November 2011 (PDT)
:We have a few articles with titles like this ([[12_October_2009|e.g.]]), so while I don't know if it's "right" or not, much like "Chris's", it's just become a standard. Good eye, though. I didn't catch that it wasn't Americanised. [[User:Freecell|Freecell]] [[User_talk:Freecell|(t]]/[[Special:Contributions/Freecell|c)]] 16:11, 5 November 2011 (PDT)
:I based it on articles like [[6 June 2010]]. --[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 17:13, 5 November 2011 (PDT)
:: Chris with felonly charges? Ohhh, Santa came early this year, and goddamn, did he deliver~! Anywho; if it was Chris on his own, it might've been dismissed like last time, but with Barb involved too, this is more concrete and serious: I propose that the formal title of the page (or saga, if it comes to that) be the name of the court case (Snyder or People vs Chandler, whatever it may be) when we get it. --[[User:Xavier orona|Xavier orona]] 00:45, 6 November 2011 (PDT)

==x==
Thank you based God [[User:Theiselybros|Theiselybros]] 16:44, 5 November 2011 (PDT)

== Explanation ==

Am I reading this right? Chris got an Assault charge (assumption being it has to do with Snyder) but Barb got one too... but for a police officer, because her day in court was Oct 31, is there any information about what "assault" on the officer she actually did? Does anyone know what "complainant : CASON" means? And where can the stuff about him being in jail for two days be found? (or was this something Chris himself gave out?) --[[User:4Macie|4Macie]] 20:08, 5 November 2011 (PDT)
*Edit: ah, the actual trial for the assault isn't until December, so we probably won't find out what she did until then... It was some civil case between her and Snyder that occurred Oct 31-Nov 1--[[User:4Macie|4Macie]] 20:13, 5 November 2011 (PDT)
** Oct. 31st was her formal arraignment, where I guess they informed her of the charges against her and set a court date for a criminal trial. Whether or not Mr. Snyder will file a civil suit remains to be seen, but somehow I doubt that her wants to have anything more to do with the Chandlers if he can help it. [[User:Giantgroundsloth|Giantgroundsloth]] 21:29, 5 November 2011 (PDT)
***(Messed up original links, but)Snyder's pressing civil charges against both, as both of his civil cases can be seen on the Virginia General District Courts site. Also, assault can be something as simple as a verbal threat, don't know if that was the case here, but it's something to keep in mind. [[User:Mrmonster|Mrmonster]] 00:36, 6 November 2011 (PDT)

== Who paid bail? ==

Is there any way to find out who paid bail? Most likely it was one of his extended family, but still. --[[User:Melainia|Melainia]] 01:33, 6 November 2011 (PDT)
*It could have also been a bondsman, which is pretty likely. That's their whole business. --[[User:Mrmonster|Mrmonster]] 00:38, 6 November 2011 (PDT)

==Civil Charges==
Anyone have any addition info about the civil charges from Mike? http://i.imgur.com/Fz281.png It says they were in court on Nov 1st but the case is listed as "Other Judgement" and a lot of the other fields are empty. Did Mike drop the case? --[[User:KillDeer|KillDeer]] 18:12, 6 November 2011 (PST)
*Saw this on /cwc/, it says [http://www.facebook.com/Newsplex/posts/10150348599173564 here] a person was injured, it could have been Mike. --[[User:Digital|Digital]] 22:56, 10 November 2011 (PST)
* We still await more concrete and reliable sources about the exact series of events. --[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 01:29, 11 November 2011 (PST)

==Chris's defense?==

Not sure if the Autism card will completely save him this time, espectially for a felony. But could his years of being trolled actually give him a valid claim of "harassment". There certainly is an ocean of information posted online about him, much of which is blatant insults towards him. Any chance the CWCki could get in any sort of trouble for instigating these actions by Chris?

Also, may want to bring up that psych evaluation he had back in 2004 when he was kicked out of school. Could that prove any insight to his reasoning behind this incident; and could it maybe help/hurt his case?--[[User:Jcrowley1985|Jcrowley1985]] 19:36, 6 November 2011 (PST)
* No. As far as I can tell, Chris using trolls and/or the CWCki as a reason for violating a restraining order is not going to cut it. I know he used it with the last little incident, but any judge with half a brain stem would realize that it's less about internet bullies and more about a 29-year-old man who should know better just ''not getting it''.--[[User:Blazer|Blazer]] 19:59, 6 November 2011 (PST)
* High Functioning Autism wouldn't play a huge role here, simply because it's not a truly debilitating disorder these days, and there is no way a judge would even consider the argument that "trolls" made him do it.... Chris having trolls doesn't change the fact that he did something wrong and illegal. It'll actually be pretty hilarious if he tries to use this site for proof against trolls simply for the fact that there are a lot of things Chris himself has 'donated' to the site that could get him in even more trouble... for example: does Mr.Snyder know that Chris has stated, on the internet, that Snyder is a child molester and has potentially fiddled with his own kids? Yeah, that won't go over too well. The way things are looking, if Chris is found guilty of any of these; he'll see jail/prison time for sure (if only because he will be unable to pay his huge fees and fines) Barb is probably in the same boat. Sadly, another thing to point out is that if they have to get repo-ed to pay for anything, the county will finally have to deal with their horrendous hoarding problem and will probably condemn the house, just as Bob had feared. --[[User:4Macie|4Macie]] 20:38, 6 November 2011 (PST)
*It all depends on how his lawyer wants to play it. Is Robert Bell acting as a PD for his pro bono work? Either way, I'd bet that either his lawyer is so blase in regards to the situation and/or so overwrought by his other cases that he'll just advise Chris to plead guilty with mitigating circumstances (autism, grief, etc.), or, it's always possible that Robert Bell's a total shark who'll get Chris off with a slap on the wrist, yet again. Of course, there's always the possibility that he'll be committed.
I know Chris and Barb have four cars (one of which is a Jag according to one of the Kacey calls) so they could hock those for some CWC cash (see that thing I did?), and lord knows that Chris and Barb probably have at least, AT LEAST, $2000 worth of useless shit lying around their house, but, somehow, I'm in doubt that Barb'll be able to rouse Chris off of his ass for long enough to get him to help her (and himself).
I've got to admit, I feel sort of sorry for Chris and Barb. Bob just died and lord knows that you never know what you have until it's gone. Their actions are inexcusable, yeah, but still, it's horrible that things have to end this way, if that's what ends up happening. I was, I guess naively, hoping that something would seep through Chris's skull and he'd just gracefully leave the internet and take some steps to improve himself, but it doesn't look like that's ever going to happen. He should thank God that's he's not going to be going to prison if he does have to be incarcerated. He'd get passed around like fucking candy there.

tl;dr Chris is fucked any-which-way [[User:Giantgroundsloth|Giantgroundsloth]] 21:18, 6 November 2011 (PST)

: It's worse than that. If Chris is foolish enough to reference this site, he's going to be pointing the court toward evidence that he has no regrets on this incident, since the first thing he did after getting out of jail was to crow about his crimes here. Any decent prosecutor would then dig up his youtube videos, handily linked throughout the site, and reveal that he's got a history of antisocial behavior, the most recent threats and attempted extortion only just predating his father's passing (and thereby casting doubt on grounds for his recent grief).

: His best chance is an insanity plea, which is difficult to prove on people who can communicate more clearly then Chris can. Ironically, the clearest indicators -- his beliefs that his creations are real -- may come off as so ludicrous that the plea might get dismissed.

: Failing that, he'll be extremely lucky to get a plea bargain down to some serious community service and probation. Unfortunately for him, his history with Snyder in specific shows how extraordinarily lenient everyone's already been. Any decent prosecutor will insist on such as part of their arguments, and should Chris' previous proud attempts at vehicular assault enter play, he's almost certainly going to have jail time as part of a plea. Even disregarding that, though, I'd be surprised if Chris actually made any efforts should he get probation and community service, as his history shows he'd ignore both, forcing the issue of jail time.

: Sadly enough, that's actually the extent of the good news for him. The bad news is that Chris' pride and arrogance may lead him to refuse any such pleas -- in his mind, he's neither insane nor has any of his behavior ever been anything less than justified -- and worse, he may even try to represent himself. Should that happen, his only real shot is to have Barb legally declare him as incompetent. While at first blush that sounds like it'd lead to him getting off on insanity after all, it'd rely primarily on Barb's testimony to go through -- and Barb's already supported him enough to be his accomplice.

: The primary factors now on whether Chris is going to jail are his county's prison system, his prosecutor's diligence, and how much ridiculous bullshit Chris serves up in his own defense. If he acts out in court, continues his libelous antics outside of it, or submits anything damaging in his "defense," he screws himself to oblivion. Hell, if Snyder comes here, or if someone contacts him and points him our way, the prosecution would have a field day.

: Quite frankly, this is so stacked against him I'm almost of a mind Barb did this intentionally to try to get the state to take custody of him before she dies, too, sad as it is to say.

: [[User:Kestrel|Kestrel]] 00:25, 7 November 2011 (PST)

*None of this is really relevant to the article, so next person who contributes something that doesn't relate to this article gets banned. You can talk about it elsewhere like on [http://cwcki.yuku.com our forums].--[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 06:27, 7 November 2011 (PST)

==Article Title and Redirects==

We need to get a more fitting title set up as well as some redirects. I'm not sure how, exactly... But something like "Arrest" for a redirect. My creative juices are currently burnt out so I leave this all up to you for tonight.
:The subsection regarding the incident on the GAMe PLACe page called it "Strike Three, You're Out!" Something along those lines, perhaps?--[[User:Henry Bemis|Henry Bemis]] 22:16, 6 November 2011 (PST)
:We are a Wiki at the end of the day - and it's less about getting a "fitting" or amusing title, and more about getting a sensible one. I chose this one based on other articles about specific events (mostly significant videos that were not given a particularly unique name by Chris). "Keep It Simple" is the golden rule here, so any renames should be both simple and yet, unique enough for people to be easily able to find it. I'm totally open to better suggestions for the article title though, as I said near the top of this discussion page. --[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 03:17, 7 November 2011 (PST)

==Where==
Did someone know exactly where the trial will take place (ie some court on Chalottesville i presume)
[[User:René Duprée|René Duprée]] 10:25, 7 November 2011
*[http://www.courts.state.va.us/courts/circuit/Charlottesville/home.html Charlottesville Circuit Court] most likely? The circuit court has jurisdiction over all felonies and that is where a jury trial would be held. Unfortunately on their [http://wasdmz2.courts.state.va.us/CJISWeb/circuit.html case lookup] page, that court isn't in the list. [[User:Penman28|Penman28]] 09:55, 8 November 2011 (PST)
*Considering that the charges are filed under "Charlottesville General District Court" I'm gonna guess thats where things are going down. --[[User:KillDeer|KillDeer]] 10:49, 8 November 2011 (PST)

== Chris's Account ==

Is it worth mentioning anything about this "CWC Michael Snyder Interview"? I looked it up on youtube and it's originally from 2010; so it's not really recent, nor does it pertain to anything Chris is talking about. He doesn't even say he wants to lore Chris into the Place; he actually says "We have a Pokemon Tournament the 22nd, I really hope Chris doesn't try to show up... That'd be really bad." I guess what I'm getting at is this: would it be worth putting in a small summary about the video Chris is saying will get him off the hook? Or do we just leave it and if people want to see it they can look it up themselves? (I really wish we could get Mr. Snyder's accounts of the happenings as well, just to compare the two.) --[[User:4Macie|4Macie]] 10:37, 9 November 2011 (PST)

I removed that section since it isn't 100% confirmed to be Chris yet (and in the case he does - he reads the Wiki). If it gets re-added I'd say just link it and add a Wiki page if there isn't already. --[[User:Drpepper|Drpepper]] 14:15, 9 November 2011 (PST)

== Removed the email ==

I went ahead and removed the halfsie-confirmed email I posted in the forums, since it's not fully confirmed to be by Chris and just not someone from Inner/PVCC in-the-know (and for the agent's sake). Just reverse if nobody gives a fuck. --[[User:Drpepper|Drpepper]] 14:11, 9 November 2011 (PST)
* I do believe that someone said "Tito and champthom just confirmed that some events match up". So maybe keep it but add some kind of disclaimer saying we don't have Christian Weston Chandler's confirmation; but some highly reliable sources can confirm that events match up?? --[[User:4Macie|4Macie]] 15:52, 9 November 2011 (PST)

Either way, the fact that Chris reads the Wiki remains and leaving the email up compromises a field agent, and genereal consensus is on the forums (in that topic) is that we keep it down until later. PVCC trolls have also asked that it doesn't go up yet on /cwc/. --[[User:Drpepper|Drpepper]] 16:19, 9 November 2011 (PST)

*There is truth to it, I will tell you that, but I'd prefer it if someone can say something solid about it as in "This is from Chris 100%." I suppose we could leave it with a disclaimer that "According to Tito, this is true" so people can interpret it however they'd like, but I'd prefer that we wait until we can get a solid confirmation about it.--[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 21:50, 9 November 2011 (PST)

** I'm more concerned with it impacting operations. I don't want to interfere with any plans already in play... I say keep it down until we get confirmation that saga is over --[[User:SargentPickles|SargentPickles]] 23:22, 9 November 2011 (PST)

We do get information such as emails from offical channels, so I support the motion to omit the material that was added from the article for the timebeing until we are sure of a reliable source. --[[User:Anonymax|Anonymax]] 11:50, 10 November 2011 (PST)

== End of the world ==

If Chris is sentenced in December 2011, next month, that means that if he receives the minimum sentence for his felony count, that means that he will get out of prison on December 2012, the same time that the world is supposed to end. How interesting. --[[User:TheJerk|TheJerk]] 12:56, 12 November 2011 (PST)

Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor

2011-11-12T18:47:20Z

TheJerk:

{{quote|With the infinitely high Boyfriend-Factor, I am not fond of about 99.999999999996% of the total male population, with a margin-of-error of the 4 billionth of a percent (for about 100 [[JERKS|men]]) of whom are okay acquaintences. Those doofs get all the luck, having a [[Sweetheart]] to care for and to be cared from, getting all the hugs, kisses and e motional support and the security of a solid future without [[Virgin with rage|lonliness]] and with [[love]] and [[Daughter|children]].|Chris<ref>[[Megan Emails, Aug-Dec 2007]]</ref>}}

[[Image:105-LonesomeSelf.jpg|thumb|Get used to it, Chris]]

The '''Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor''' is Chris's primary concern on his [[Love Quest]]. It refers to the incredibly high probability that any given girl he speaks to will [[lie|already have a boyfriend]], making it impossible for him to find a [[sweetheart]]. The fear of this factor leaves Chris all-but paralyzed when he even thinks about speaking to a woman in real life, a fear he has named [[noviophobia]].

Mathematicians have worked in vain for years to disprove Chris's theorem, but the proof is in the pudding. Chris is still single, so it ''must'' be because all the [[JERKS]] have taken all the pretty girls. This realization led him to narrow his search and focus on [[boyfriend-free girls]].

If one uses the recently passed number of 7 billion people, and assuming that half are men, applying the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor means that there are 3,500,000,000 * 0.00000000000004 = 0.00014 males in the world that Chris doesn't hate.

==Uses by Chris==
*Chris appears to have coined the term in ''[[Sonichu's News Dash!]]''. It shows up in a couple of the middle issues of the newsletter, during one of his self-pitying advertisements for his [[Love Quest]] and in his collection of [[Sonichu's_News_Dash#Chris.27s_dating_tips|dating tips]].
*In Chris's letter to ''[[Nintendo Power]]'' concerning ''[[Sprung]]'', he says the game helped him forget his "fear of the infinitely high boyfriend factor."
*In an [[Megan_Emails,_Aug-Dec_2007#Chris_is_angry_about_Megan_kissing_her_friend.2C_then_pities_himself|e-mail]] to [[Megan]] about his angry freak-out at [[the GAMe PLACe]] (inspired by Megan kissing a friend of hers), Chris blames the Boyfriend Factor for his insane hatred of other men.
*Chris mentioned it in [[Chris Chan's Public Announcement]], his first [[YouTube]] address, when talking about the early days of his sweetheart search.
*In [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]], Chris says his Sweetheart Search "started with the realization of the infinitely-high boyfriend factor."
*A series of [[White_knight_E-mails#September_2008_.E2.80.94_Chris_denies_being_fat_and_sexist|white knight e-mails]] from September 2008 includes repeated complaints about the Boyfriend Factor.
*In an [[IRC (17 December 2008)|IRC chat]] with his fans in December 2008, Chris listed the Boyfriend Factor among many impediments to his quest for a girlfriend.
*Comic Chris whines about the Boyfriend Factor when he's battling the [[B-Manajerk]] in [[Sonichu_3#Sub-Episode_4:_Christian_Chandler_in_.22McAttack.22|Sub-Episode 4]].
*Chris's cartoon version of [[Robert Simmons V]] mentions the Boyfriend Factor in his interview on KCWC in [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]].

==References==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Chris and sex]]
*[[Noviophobia]]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category: CWC-isms]]