CWCki - User contributions [en]

Talk:Monthly tugboat

2012-01-22T20:19:47Z

TheSwedishElf: /* One thing I've been dying to know... */

==To do==
*Chris's references to his monthly tugboat (see Smithey e-mails and Miyamoto e-mails).

== BETTER TO DO ==
The origins are explained in the BlueSpike Skype log...somewhere. just...look for it. [[User:Clydec|Clydec]] 20:14, 11 October 2010 (PDT)
:Done, Cash Sifu. --[[User:SeventhBase|Seventh]][[User Talk:SeventhBase|Base]] 20:29, 11 October 2010 (PDT)

----

Random Thought: Since Chris gets paid from welfare out of our pockets, are we not paying for him entertaining us? It seems like a fair exchange for me. If anything, Chris should be thanking us (and everyone else who is an USAfag and pays taxes) for keeping him and his creepy obsessions alive. Since I have to pay for him, I want to get every cent worth from this lolcow. --[[User:Wild Sonichu|Wild Sonichu]] 04:33, 12 May 2009 (CEST)

==Disambiguation==
'Monthly Tugboat' shoud just contain the definition and the times he's used the word, we shoud create another page titled 'Chris and Money' --[[User:Robotnik|Robotnik]] 01:38, 20 May 2009 (CEST)

I liek both the above ideas. --[[User:Jump|Jump]] 17:22, 30 May 2009 (CEST)

==$800,$750?==

I've noticed that some pages say that his tugboat is $750 and others saying that it's $800. Does anyone have evidence to show which value it is?([[User:Drlugae|Drlugae]] 19:25, 21 July 2009 (CEST))
*The thing is, Chris has said about three different values. I believe he's said "$800" so let's try and find a citation for that. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 19:48, 21 July 2009 (CEST)
*The tugboat rises in value each year so long as cost of living increases, so it's definitely over $800. $750 might be an old number from a few years back. [[User:Elephant|Elephant]] 17:06, 4 April 2010 (UTC)

==State or federal?==
Is the welfare program chris leeches off of paid for by all taxpayers or just the ones in virginia? [[User:V3N0M1300|V3N0M1300]] 21:18, 28 September 2009 (CEST)
*It's social security. So it's federal. And it is somehow arranged through Bob's SSN. Details as to how this works exactly are fuzzy. But it isn't typical state welfare. --[[User:Fuckingstupid|Fuckingstupid]] 22:01, 28 September 2009 (CEST)
:*It needs to be reiterated that this is not a welfare check but a disability check. It is a form of government welfare, but it is not welfare in a "you don't need to work" sort of way but that he has managed to establish he has a disability (namely autism) that prevents him from maintaining or keeping work. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 06:29, 21 April 2010 (UTC)

== On Advice of Bob? ==

Is there a source of where this came from? If it came from Chris I feel it may be a point to make that this may be Chris' point of view on the matter and may not reflect the truth. --[[User:El Presidente|El Presidente]] 12:14, 3 November 2009 (CET)

== This is bullshit ==

NOT. A. FORUM. --[[User:Cogsdev|Cogsdev]] 11:14, 4 September 2010 (PDT)
: Sorry for asking here, but since the PVCC is private, where can we go to talk about the BS about Chris spending our money on his stuff at? -- [[User:Ashki|Ashki]]
:: There may still be a /cwc/ board on 789chan. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 02:22, 23 September 2010 (PDT)

== Can someone explain this to me in Chris's terms? ==

"Even if this weren't enough, the most cursory research reveals that an SSDI recipient could have earned from $700 dollars a month in the year 2000, when Chris was 18, to $1000 dollars a month in 2010 without losing a cent of their SSDI income."

I'm not entirely sure how this works. Exactly, what did Bob do to screw Chris over? --[[User:AntonImaus|AntonImaus]] 00:18, 15 August 2010 (PDT)
: Whether Bob "screwed Chris over" is kind of a matter of perspective, but it works like this. If an SSDI beneficiary works a real job and makes enough money, they will receive reduced benefits according to how much actual income they earn. However, there's a threshold that has to be reached before that reduction starts happening, which is what that quote describes. Chris could get a job and earn as much as a grand a month before the government started docking his monthly SSDI check (and he'd have to earn a lot more than that before they stopped giving him any SSDI money at all). So the argument would be that Bob has misled Chris to his detriment by convincing him that if he works, he won't make as much money as he brings in just by waiting for his SSDI checks. The counter-argument would be that Bob still has two brain cells to rub together and knows that sending Chris into the workforce would just mean eventually having to deal with another court date. [[User:Dkaien|Dkaien]] 02:40, 15 August 2010 (PDT)
::Alright, I should know how this works but it seems more clear now. Thanks. --[[User:AntonImaus|AntonImaus]] 19:06, 15 August 2010 (PDT)

:::Chris gets around $9000/year from the gov't. Half of that goes towards "room & board" or something which like money the gov't would give to a mental institution or your caretakers. The rest is to pay for your living expenses including entertainment -- the gov't doesn't give a shit if you go see a movie or two on their dime. In theory they want you to be able to earn money on SSI, but if Chris did find and keep a job, even if it's washing dishes at Denny's, that could prove that his autism doesn't disable him hard enough to get free money. If he can work at a job then he's not disabled, and the tugboat goes away probably forever. Most of the money Chris has under his control gets spent on entertainment, because his parents still buy most or all of his food and gas. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 02:31, 23 September 2010 (PDT)
::::Chris getting a job wouldn't end the tugboat; it's meant to supplement a low-paying job (as that's all Chris will ever be able to hold down) and provide a living wage. The disability payment is based on his autism, not on some judgment of how much he can or can't work. As noted above, his payments would only start to decrease once he started making over $12k a year. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 06:06, 23 September 2010 (PDT)
:::::SSI is only paid if your mental illness is so bad that you can't keep a job. It's fairly easy to lose SSI. This is like when people get disability insurance payments for a back injury and are caught lifting heavy shit. $12k a year is $8/hr for 30/hrs a week, btw. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 12:25, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::::::Specifically, you get SSDI if you can't do "substantial work," whatever that means. I'm not sure it means just the same thing as the $x/month. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 18:48, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
:::::::There's a substantial difference between SSI (payments only to the disabled, end if you can work) and SSDI (payments to the disabled to supplement work income). Chris gets SSDI, he does not get SSI. (SSDI requires Social Security work credits, which is why Bob's work history was involved; SSI is paid out of the general revenues and would actually validate the Chris-on-welfare meme trolls like to get mad about.) [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 19:58, 24 September 2010 (PDT)

:I'm the one who wrote that. I know because I'm basically Chris. As SSDI was explained to me by a Social Security worker when I applied for it, you can make only up to a certain amount of money a month, after which you lose 100% of your benefits either immediately or after some sort of review process. This action is binary; there is no gradient similar to the $1 you lose for every $2 you make while getting SS retirement benefits. That amount changes yearly according to a certain, proscribed plan, I'm sure to adjust for inflation and shit. In 2010, the amount is $1000, i.e. person on SSDI—i.e. Chris—could contribute to society an amount of work a month worth $1000 without being penalized in the slightest, but Chris's dad, being an ignorant, self-important hick who holds some idiotic, arbitrary, long-dated sense of "honor" or God-knows what above any natural sense of decency, i.e. a Southerner, apparently convinced Chris not to bother. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 18:43, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::I think, as has been speculated, Bob discouraged Chris from working in order to keep him out of trouble. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 19:58, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
:::That's obviously a possibility as Chris would IMMEDIATELY FUCK UP EVERYTHING if he got a job, but the article says that "[o]n the advice of his father, Chris doesn't get a job, supposedly because the tugboat gives him more money overall," which is just flat-out stupid advice. I read somewhere that people don't always say exactly what they believe, though. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 21:25, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::::Aye. I think "You can't get a job because you'll lose your disability" was just easier for Bob to use to convince him than "You can't get a job because you're a fuckup of cosmic proportions." [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 04:59, 3 October 2010 (PDT)

== Just to clarify ==

Since I edited the acronyms on this page -- when you're talking about the income that Chris receives from the gov't, that's '''Supplemental Security Income (SSI)''', the $800 or so he receives monthly. '''Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI)''' is something different; in Chris's case, that's Medicare (the federally funded healthcare system in the U.S., for overseas CWCikipedians). Since he is permanently disabled (his autism won't be "cured" by GodJesus or any of Chris's forgiveness blessings), he will ALWAYS receive Medicare, which pays for 80% of most healthcare excluding dental, vision, etc, but, as noted, his SSI is contingent on his total income & the poverty level in Virginia. I think he technically receives more than $800/month, but the money that's not deposited into his bank goes straight toward paying his Medicare premium. Obviously it's different for every case. Anyway, there are several other Social Security type benefits like Veterans, Survivors, Death, etc, but it always causes confusion because the acronyms are all fucked -- the Nixon administration or whoever didn't think their cunning plan through. [[Image:Horse3.gif|Horsehorsehorse]] [[User talk:Horsehorsehorse|Talktalktalk]] 16:00, 3 October 2010 (PDT)
:Thanks for clearing that shit up, I can see I was confused on a number of points. Well done. [[User:Dkaien|Dkaien]] 16:33, 3 October 2010 (PDT)
::Actually, no, Chris's check is SSDI because they had to use Bob's work record to file for it. That wouldn't have been necessary if it was SSI. Chris would also be subject to extremely stringent asset rules if he was receiving SSI. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 16:59, 3 October 2010 (PDT)

:::Of course, now with the Jackie emails, things are confused again. Chris referred to his tugboat exclusively as SSI, but that's not something he would have had to use Bob's social security record to get, merely proof of his own lack of income/assets. It's good news for the "sink the tugboat" crowd if he's telling the truth, though; it's a lot easier to lose SSI benefits than SSDI. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 09:45, 9 November 2010 (PST)

::::*I think a lot of people get hung up over Bob's involvement when, in my case, they shouldn't be. I think when Chris comments on how Bob "pulled some strings" he was doing so to sound important, not because Bob did something shady (though I won't rule out the possibility). But this does bring up a good point, as I personally wasn't aware that SSI was also for disabled people. I thought SSI was regular social security, that is for those over 65, and SSDI was for the disabled but Wikipedia has proved me wrong. Has Chris said it's SSI? It would be safer to go with what Chris says. Find sources for that and add a note that it could be SSDI. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 07:34, 2 July 2011 (PDT)

:::::*Dkain is correct. It's SSIDI (Supplemental Security Income for Disabled and some other shit that starts with an "I"). It's a program for disabled children of qualifying parents. Obstensibly it's money Bob paid into the system when he was drawing a paycheck (via FICA tax); in reality the payout ends up being more than what was paid in because of annual cost-of-living increases and the initial settlement. $800 is a common monthly amount and is pretty much the low end of the totem pole, but Medicare is included and the income is non-taxable. The beneficiary (in this case, Chris) is reviewed every 3 to 5 years to re-qualify -- there's little chance that Chris would be cut off, because if he ain't a hopeless nutjob, who is?

::::::I get SSDI, (Social Security Disability Income) which is different -- basically it's what Bob would qualify for. (I'm older than all you punx but not of retirement age thx, plus ''I have all my hair.'') I paid into the system for twenty years and don't feel bad about getting some of it back. It kind of blows getting by on what they hand out (I was making a tidy six figures before I got sick) and I'm about to nuke the whole thing by getting a j.o.b., but it was sure a leg up. Plus I have these groovy license plates. I was denied twice and had to appeal three times, it took about two years to do. The case worker came to see me while I was in the ICU once and I still got turned down. There's a thing called "ticket to work" that lets you make some outside income, but I could never get a straight answer about how much you can make before they cut you off so I didn't take the gig -- losing Medicare would have made things very iffy. Fun, but of a mild type.

::::::One more clarification (Champ, accept my apologies and feel free to toast all this if I'm getting too forum-y) SSDI is paid on the 3rd of the month, supposedly at 12 AM unless the 3rd falls on a weekend or holiday when it gets bumped up a day or two. Ferexample, since the 3rd of this month (July '11) is a Sunday, benefits were paid on the night of Thursday May 31st (formally, midnight Friday morning). Most banks will let you take an (up to) one-month advance against a direct deposit, usually at a horrendous interest rate (Wells Fargo and B of A charge 120% IIRC) -- Chris could use this credit line on the sly without Bob knowing until the next month. It'd be interesting to know if he has done so, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

::::::Medicare is Federal and parts A, B, and D (doctor, hospital, prescription) come with SSDI. Being awarded SSDI qualifies you for Medic''aid'', which is optional and administered by the state. Medicaid takes care of the co-pays, but you have to pay a stiffish premium. It's also of course not deducted from your (Federal) benefits, you have to pay it yourself. (In my case, the Medicaid premium was over a thousand bucks a month but I was facing surgery where the co-pay alone would have been over $100K.) Reading between the lines, Chris doesn't seem to have Medicaid, probably a case of Bob being cheap and Chris' medical expenses not amounting to much anyway. - [[User:Smokedaddy|Smokedaddy]] 09:04, 2 July 2011 (PDT)

== One thing I've been dying to know... ==

Why exactly is Chris villainized for spending a portion of his money on whatever he wants? This is the one and only thing I'll defend him on, because I'm currently on disability myself {with no job thanks to my old job being closed down last year and no local businesses hiring anymore}, and I don't appreciate people on such a program being called "welfare leeches" or being accused of stealing and/or wasting taxpayer money because they had ''the nerve'' to spend their share of it on video games or whatever. [[User:TheSwedishElf|TheSwedishElf]] 12:16, 22 January 2012 (PST)

Talk:Monthly tugboat

2012-01-22T20:16:17Z

TheSwedishElf: /* One thing I've been dying to know... */

==To do==
*Chris's references to his monthly tugboat (see Smithey e-mails and Miyamoto e-mails).

== BETTER TO DO ==
The origins are explained in the BlueSpike Skype log...somewhere. just...look for it. [[User:Clydec|Clydec]] 20:14, 11 October 2010 (PDT)
:Done, Cash Sifu. --[[User:SeventhBase|Seventh]][[User Talk:SeventhBase|Base]] 20:29, 11 October 2010 (PDT)

----

Random Thought: Since Chris gets paid from welfare out of our pockets, are we not paying for him entertaining us? It seems like a fair exchange for me. If anything, Chris should be thanking us (and everyone else who is an USAfag and pays taxes) for keeping him and his creepy obsessions alive. Since I have to pay for him, I want to get every cent worth from this lolcow. --[[User:Wild Sonichu|Wild Sonichu]] 04:33, 12 May 2009 (CEST)

==Disambiguation==
'Monthly Tugboat' shoud just contain the definition and the times he's used the word, we shoud create another page titled 'Chris and Money' --[[User:Robotnik|Robotnik]] 01:38, 20 May 2009 (CEST)

I liek both the above ideas. --[[User:Jump|Jump]] 17:22, 30 May 2009 (CEST)

==$800,$750?==

I've noticed that some pages say that his tugboat is $750 and others saying that it's $800. Does anyone have evidence to show which value it is?([[User:Drlugae|Drlugae]] 19:25, 21 July 2009 (CEST))
*The thing is, Chris has said about three different values. I believe he's said "$800" so let's try and find a citation for that. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 19:48, 21 July 2009 (CEST)
*The tugboat rises in value each year so long as cost of living increases, so it's definitely over $800. $750 might be an old number from a few years back. [[User:Elephant|Elephant]] 17:06, 4 April 2010 (UTC)

==State or federal?==
Is the welfare program chris leeches off of paid for by all taxpayers or just the ones in virginia? [[User:V3N0M1300|V3N0M1300]] 21:18, 28 September 2009 (CEST)
*It's social security. So it's federal. And it is somehow arranged through Bob's SSN. Details as to how this works exactly are fuzzy. But it isn't typical state welfare. --[[User:Fuckingstupid|Fuckingstupid]] 22:01, 28 September 2009 (CEST)
:*It needs to be reiterated that this is not a welfare check but a disability check. It is a form of government welfare, but it is not welfare in a "you don't need to work" sort of way but that he has managed to establish he has a disability (namely autism) that prevents him from maintaining or keeping work. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 06:29, 21 April 2010 (UTC)

== On Advice of Bob? ==

Is there a source of where this came from? If it came from Chris I feel it may be a point to make that this may be Chris' point of view on the matter and may not reflect the truth. --[[User:El Presidente|El Presidente]] 12:14, 3 November 2009 (CET)

== This is bullshit ==

NOT. A. FORUM. --[[User:Cogsdev|Cogsdev]] 11:14, 4 September 2010 (PDT)
: Sorry for asking here, but since the PVCC is private, where can we go to talk about the BS about Chris spending our money on his stuff at? -- [[User:Ashki|Ashki]]
:: There may still be a /cwc/ board on 789chan. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 02:22, 23 September 2010 (PDT)

== Can someone explain this to me in Chris's terms? ==

"Even if this weren't enough, the most cursory research reveals that an SSDI recipient could have earned from $700 dollars a month in the year 2000, when Chris was 18, to $1000 dollars a month in 2010 without losing a cent of their SSDI income."

I'm not entirely sure how this works. Exactly, what did Bob do to screw Chris over? --[[User:AntonImaus|AntonImaus]] 00:18, 15 August 2010 (PDT)
: Whether Bob "screwed Chris over" is kind of a matter of perspective, but it works like this. If an SSDI beneficiary works a real job and makes enough money, they will receive reduced benefits according to how much actual income they earn. However, there's a threshold that has to be reached before that reduction starts happening, which is what that quote describes. Chris could get a job and earn as much as a grand a month before the government started docking his monthly SSDI check (and he'd have to earn a lot more than that before they stopped giving him any SSDI money at all). So the argument would be that Bob has misled Chris to his detriment by convincing him that if he works, he won't make as much money as he brings in just by waiting for his SSDI checks. The counter-argument would be that Bob still has two brain cells to rub together and knows that sending Chris into the workforce would just mean eventually having to deal with another court date. [[User:Dkaien|Dkaien]] 02:40, 15 August 2010 (PDT)
::Alright, I should know how this works but it seems more clear now. Thanks. --[[User:AntonImaus|AntonImaus]] 19:06, 15 August 2010 (PDT)

:::Chris gets around $9000/year from the gov't. Half of that goes towards "room & board" or something which like money the gov't would give to a mental institution or your caretakers. The rest is to pay for your living expenses including entertainment -- the gov't doesn't give a shit if you go see a movie or two on their dime. In theory they want you to be able to earn money on SSI, but if Chris did find and keep a job, even if it's washing dishes at Denny's, that could prove that his autism doesn't disable him hard enough to get free money. If he can work at a job then he's not disabled, and the tugboat goes away probably forever. Most of the money Chris has under his control gets spent on entertainment, because his parents still buy most or all of his food and gas. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 02:31, 23 September 2010 (PDT)
::::Chris getting a job wouldn't end the tugboat; it's meant to supplement a low-paying job (as that's all Chris will ever be able to hold down) and provide a living wage. The disability payment is based on his autism, not on some judgment of how much he can or can't work. As noted above, his payments would only start to decrease once he started making over $12k a year. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 06:06, 23 September 2010 (PDT)
:::::SSI is only paid if your mental illness is so bad that you can't keep a job. It's fairly easy to lose SSI. This is like when people get disability insurance payments for a back injury and are caught lifting heavy shit. $12k a year is $8/hr for 30/hrs a week, btw. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 12:25, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::::::Specifically, you get SSDI if you can't do "substantial work," whatever that means. I'm not sure it means just the same thing as the $x/month. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 18:48, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
:::::::There's a substantial difference between SSI (payments only to the disabled, end if you can work) and SSDI (payments to the disabled to supplement work income). Chris gets SSDI, he does not get SSI. (SSDI requires Social Security work credits, which is why Bob's work history was involved; SSI is paid out of the general revenues and would actually validate the Chris-on-welfare meme trolls like to get mad about.) [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 19:58, 24 September 2010 (PDT)

:I'm the one who wrote that. I know because I'm basically Chris. As SSDI was explained to me by a Social Security worker when I applied for it, you can make only up to a certain amount of money a month, after which you lose 100% of your benefits either immediately or after some sort of review process. This action is binary; there is no gradient similar to the $1 you lose for every $2 you make while getting SS retirement benefits. That amount changes yearly according to a certain, proscribed plan, I'm sure to adjust for inflation and shit. In 2010, the amount is $1000, i.e. person on SSDI—i.e. Chris—could contribute to society an amount of work a month worth $1000 without being penalized in the slightest, but Chris's dad, being an ignorant, self-important hick who holds some idiotic, arbitrary, long-dated sense of "honor" or God-knows what above any natural sense of decency, i.e. a Southerner, apparently convinced Chris not to bother. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 18:43, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::I think, as has been speculated, Bob discouraged Chris from working in order to keep him out of trouble. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 19:58, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
:::That's obviously a possibility as Chris would IMMEDIATELY FUCK UP EVERYTHING if he got a job, but the article says that "[o]n the advice of his father, Chris doesn't get a job, supposedly because the tugboat gives him more money overall," which is just flat-out stupid advice. I read somewhere that people don't always say exactly what they believe, though. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 21:25, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::::Aye. I think "You can't get a job because you'll lose your disability" was just easier for Bob to use to convince him than "You can't get a job because you're a fuckup of cosmic proportions." [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 04:59, 3 October 2010 (PDT)

== Just to clarify ==

Since I edited the acronyms on this page -- when you're talking about the income that Chris receives from the gov't, that's '''Supplemental Security Income (SSI)''', the $800 or so he receives monthly. '''Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI)''' is something different; in Chris's case, that's Medicare (the federally funded healthcare system in the U.S., for overseas CWCikipedians). Since he is permanently disabled (his autism won't be "cured" by GodJesus or any of Chris's forgiveness blessings), he will ALWAYS receive Medicare, which pays for 80% of most healthcare excluding dental, vision, etc, but, as noted, his SSI is contingent on his total income & the poverty level in Virginia. I think he technically receives more than $800/month, but the money that's not deposited into his bank goes straight toward paying his Medicare premium. Obviously it's different for every case. Anyway, there are several other Social Security type benefits like Veterans, Survivors, Death, etc, but it always causes confusion because the acronyms are all fucked -- the Nixon administration or whoever didn't think their cunning plan through. [[Image:Horse3.gif|Horsehorsehorse]] [[User talk:Horsehorsehorse|Talktalktalk]] 16:00, 3 October 2010 (PDT)
:Thanks for clearing that shit up, I can see I was confused on a number of points. Well done. [[User:Dkaien|Dkaien]] 16:33, 3 October 2010 (PDT)
::Actually, no, Chris's check is SSDI because they had to use Bob's work record to file for it. That wouldn't have been necessary if it was SSI. Chris would also be subject to extremely stringent asset rules if he was receiving SSI. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 16:59, 3 October 2010 (PDT)

:::Of course, now with the Jackie emails, things are confused again. Chris referred to his tugboat exclusively as SSI, but that's not something he would have had to use Bob's social security record to get, merely proof of his own lack of income/assets. It's good news for the "sink the tugboat" crowd if he's telling the truth, though; it's a lot easier to lose SSI benefits than SSDI. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 09:45, 9 November 2010 (PST)

::::*I think a lot of people get hung up over Bob's involvement when, in my case, they shouldn't be. I think when Chris comments on how Bob "pulled some strings" he was doing so to sound important, not because Bob did something shady (though I won't rule out the possibility). But this does bring up a good point, as I personally wasn't aware that SSI was also for disabled people. I thought SSI was regular social security, that is for those over 65, and SSDI was for the disabled but Wikipedia has proved me wrong. Has Chris said it's SSI? It would be safer to go with what Chris says. Find sources for that and add a note that it could be SSDI. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 07:34, 2 July 2011 (PDT)

:::::*Dkain is correct. It's SSIDI (Supplemental Security Income for Disabled and some other shit that starts with an "I"). It's a program for disabled children of qualifying parents. Obstensibly it's money Bob paid into the system when he was drawing a paycheck (via FICA tax); in reality the payout ends up being more than what was paid in because of annual cost-of-living increases and the initial settlement. $800 is a common monthly amount and is pretty much the low end of the totem pole, but Medicare is included and the income is non-taxable. The beneficiary (in this case, Chris) is reviewed every 3 to 5 years to re-qualify -- there's little chance that Chris would be cut off, because if he ain't a hopeless nutjob, who is?

::::::I get SSDI, (Social Security Disability Income) which is different -- basically it's what Bob would qualify for. (I'm older than all you punx but not of retirement age thx, plus ''I have all my hair.'') I paid into the system for twenty years and don't feel bad about getting some of it back. It kind of blows getting by on what they hand out (I was making a tidy six figures before I got sick) and I'm about to nuke the whole thing by getting a j.o.b., but it was sure a leg up. Plus I have these groovy license plates. I was denied twice and had to appeal three times, it took about two years to do. The case worker came to see me while I was in the ICU once and I still got turned down. There's a thing called "ticket to work" that lets you make some outside income, but I could never get a straight answer about how much you can make before they cut you off so I didn't take the gig -- losing Medicare would have made things very iffy. Fun, but of a mild type.

::::::One more clarification (Champ, accept my apologies and feel free to toast all this if I'm getting too forum-y) SSDI is paid on the 3rd of the month, supposedly at 12 AM unless the 3rd falls on a weekend or holiday when it gets bumped up a day or two. Ferexample, since the 3rd of this month (July '11) is a Sunday, benefits were paid on the night of Thursday May 31st (formally, midnight Friday morning). Most banks will let you take an (up to) one-month advance against a direct deposit, usually at a horrendous interest rate (Wells Fargo and B of A charge 120% IIRC) -- Chris could use this credit line on the sly without Bob knowing until the next month. It'd be interesting to know if he has done so, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

::::::Medicare is Federal and parts A, B, and D (doctor, hospital, prescription) come with SSDI. Being awarded SSDI qualifies you for Medic''aid'', which is optional and administered by the state. Medicaid takes care of the co-pays, but you have to pay a stiffish premium. It's also of course not deducted from your (Federal) benefits, you have to pay it yourself. (In my case, the Medicaid premium was over a thousand bucks a month but I was facing surgery where the co-pay alone would have been over $100K.) Reading between the lines, Chris doesn't seem to have Medicaid, probably a case of Bob being cheap and Chris' medical expenses not amounting to much anyway. - [[User:Smokedaddy|Smokedaddy]] 09:04, 2 July 2011 (PDT)

== One thing I've been dying to know... ==

Why exactly is Chris villainized for spending a portion of his money on whatever he wants? This is the one and only thing I'll defend him on, because I'm currently on disability myself, and I don't appreciate people on such a program being called "welfare leeches" or being accused of stealing and/or wasting taxpayer money because they had ''the nerve'' to spend their share of it on video games or whatever. [[User:TheSwedishElf|TheSwedishElf]] 12:16, 22 January 2012 (PST)

Talk:Monthly tugboat

2012-01-22T20:15:38Z

TheSwedishElf: /* One thing I've been dying to know... */ new section

==To do==
*Chris's references to his monthly tugboat (see Smithey e-mails and Miyamoto e-mails).

== BETTER TO DO ==
The origins are explained in the BlueSpike Skype log...somewhere. just...look for it. [[User:Clydec|Clydec]] 20:14, 11 October 2010 (PDT)
:Done, Cash Sifu. --[[User:SeventhBase|Seventh]][[User Talk:SeventhBase|Base]] 20:29, 11 October 2010 (PDT)

----

Random Thought: Since Chris gets paid from welfare out of our pockets, are we not paying for him entertaining us? It seems like a fair exchange for me. If anything, Chris should be thanking us (and everyone else who is an USAfag and pays taxes) for keeping him and his creepy obsessions alive. Since I have to pay for him, I want to get every cent worth from this lolcow. --[[User:Wild Sonichu|Wild Sonichu]] 04:33, 12 May 2009 (CEST)

==Disambiguation==
'Monthly Tugboat' shoud just contain the definition and the times he's used the word, we shoud create another page titled 'Chris and Money' --[[User:Robotnik|Robotnik]] 01:38, 20 May 2009 (CEST)

I liek both the above ideas. --[[User:Jump|Jump]] 17:22, 30 May 2009 (CEST)

==$800,$750?==

I've noticed that some pages say that his tugboat is $750 and others saying that it's $800. Does anyone have evidence to show which value it is?([[User:Drlugae|Drlugae]] 19:25, 21 July 2009 (CEST))
*The thing is, Chris has said about three different values. I believe he's said "$800" so let's try and find a citation for that. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 19:48, 21 July 2009 (CEST)
*The tugboat rises in value each year so long as cost of living increases, so it's definitely over $800. $750 might be an old number from a few years back. [[User:Elephant|Elephant]] 17:06, 4 April 2010 (UTC)

==State or federal?==
Is the welfare program chris leeches off of paid for by all taxpayers or just the ones in virginia? [[User:V3N0M1300|V3N0M1300]] 21:18, 28 September 2009 (CEST)
*It's social security. So it's federal. And it is somehow arranged through Bob's SSN. Details as to how this works exactly are fuzzy. But it isn't typical state welfare. --[[User:Fuckingstupid|Fuckingstupid]] 22:01, 28 September 2009 (CEST)
:*It needs to be reiterated that this is not a welfare check but a disability check. It is a form of government welfare, but it is not welfare in a "you don't need to work" sort of way but that he has managed to establish he has a disability (namely autism) that prevents him from maintaining or keeping work. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 06:29, 21 April 2010 (UTC)

== On Advice of Bob? ==

Is there a source of where this came from? If it came from Chris I feel it may be a point to make that this may be Chris' point of view on the matter and may not reflect the truth. --[[User:El Presidente|El Presidente]] 12:14, 3 November 2009 (CET)

== This is bullshit ==

NOT. A. FORUM. --[[User:Cogsdev|Cogsdev]] 11:14, 4 September 2010 (PDT)
: Sorry for asking here, but since the PVCC is private, where can we go to talk about the BS about Chris spending our money on his stuff at? -- [[User:Ashki|Ashki]]
:: There may still be a /cwc/ board on 789chan. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 02:22, 23 September 2010 (PDT)

== Can someone explain this to me in Chris's terms? ==

"Even if this weren't enough, the most cursory research reveals that an SSDI recipient could have earned from $700 dollars a month in the year 2000, when Chris was 18, to $1000 dollars a month in 2010 without losing a cent of their SSDI income."

I'm not entirely sure how this works. Exactly, what did Bob do to screw Chris over? --[[User:AntonImaus|AntonImaus]] 00:18, 15 August 2010 (PDT)
: Whether Bob "screwed Chris over" is kind of a matter of perspective, but it works like this. If an SSDI beneficiary works a real job and makes enough money, they will receive reduced benefits according to how much actual income they earn. However, there's a threshold that has to be reached before that reduction starts happening, which is what that quote describes. Chris could get a job and earn as much as a grand a month before the government started docking his monthly SSDI check (and he'd have to earn a lot more than that before they stopped giving him any SSDI money at all). So the argument would be that Bob has misled Chris to his detriment by convincing him that if he works, he won't make as much money as he brings in just by waiting for his SSDI checks. The counter-argument would be that Bob still has two brain cells to rub together and knows that sending Chris into the workforce would just mean eventually having to deal with another court date. [[User:Dkaien|Dkaien]] 02:40, 15 August 2010 (PDT)
::Alright, I should know how this works but it seems more clear now. Thanks. --[[User:AntonImaus|AntonImaus]] 19:06, 15 August 2010 (PDT)

:::Chris gets around $9000/year from the gov't. Half of that goes towards "room & board" or something which like money the gov't would give to a mental institution or your caretakers. The rest is to pay for your living expenses including entertainment -- the gov't doesn't give a shit if you go see a movie or two on their dime. In theory they want you to be able to earn money on SSI, but if Chris did find and keep a job, even if it's washing dishes at Denny's, that could prove that his autism doesn't disable him hard enough to get free money. If he can work at a job then he's not disabled, and the tugboat goes away probably forever. Most of the money Chris has under his control gets spent on entertainment, because his parents still buy most or all of his food and gas. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 02:31, 23 September 2010 (PDT)
::::Chris getting a job wouldn't end the tugboat; it's meant to supplement a low-paying job (as that's all Chris will ever be able to hold down) and provide a living wage. The disability payment is based on his autism, not on some judgment of how much he can or can't work. As noted above, his payments would only start to decrease once he started making over $12k a year. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 06:06, 23 September 2010 (PDT)
:::::SSI is only paid if your mental illness is so bad that you can't keep a job. It's fairly easy to lose SSI. This is like when people get disability insurance payments for a back injury and are caught lifting heavy shit. $12k a year is $8/hr for 30/hrs a week, btw. --[[User:Anaconda|Anaconda]] 12:25, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::::::Specifically, you get SSDI if you can't do "substantial work," whatever that means. I'm not sure it means just the same thing as the $x/month. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 18:48, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
:::::::There's a substantial difference between SSI (payments only to the disabled, end if you can work) and SSDI (payments to the disabled to supplement work income). Chris gets SSDI, he does not get SSI. (SSDI requires Social Security work credits, which is why Bob's work history was involved; SSI is paid out of the general revenues and would actually validate the Chris-on-welfare meme trolls like to get mad about.) [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 19:58, 24 September 2010 (PDT)

:I'm the one who wrote that. I know because I'm basically Chris. As SSDI was explained to me by a Social Security worker when I applied for it, you can make only up to a certain amount of money a month, after which you lose 100% of your benefits either immediately or after some sort of review process. This action is binary; there is no gradient similar to the $1 you lose for every $2 you make while getting SS retirement benefits. That amount changes yearly according to a certain, proscribed plan, I'm sure to adjust for inflation and shit. In 2010, the amount is $1000, i.e. person on SSDI—i.e. Chris—could contribute to society an amount of work a month worth $1000 without being penalized in the slightest, but Chris's dad, being an ignorant, self-important hick who holds some idiotic, arbitrary, long-dated sense of "honor" or God-knows what above any natural sense of decency, i.e. a Southerner, apparently convinced Chris not to bother. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 18:43, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::I think, as has been speculated, Bob discouraged Chris from working in order to keep him out of trouble. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 19:58, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
:::That's obviously a possibility as Chris would IMMEDIATELY FUCK UP EVERYTHING if he got a job, but the article says that "[o]n the advice of his father, Chris doesn't get a job, supposedly because the tugboat gives him more money overall," which is just flat-out stupid advice. I read somewhere that people don't always say exactly what they believe, though. --[[User:Thepicklesuitintheman|Thepicklesuitintheman]] 21:25, 24 September 2010 (PDT)
::::Aye. I think "You can't get a job because you'll lose your disability" was just easier for Bob to use to convince him than "You can't get a job because you're a fuckup of cosmic proportions." [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 04:59, 3 October 2010 (PDT)

== Just to clarify ==

Since I edited the acronyms on this page -- when you're talking about the income that Chris receives from the gov't, that's '''Supplemental Security Income (SSI)''', the $800 or so he receives monthly. '''Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI)''' is something different; in Chris's case, that's Medicare (the federally funded healthcare system in the U.S., for overseas CWCikipedians). Since he is permanently disabled (his autism won't be "cured" by GodJesus or any of Chris's forgiveness blessings), he will ALWAYS receive Medicare, which pays for 80% of most healthcare excluding dental, vision, etc, but, as noted, his SSI is contingent on his total income & the poverty level in Virginia. I think he technically receives more than $800/month, but the money that's not deposited into his bank goes straight toward paying his Medicare premium. Obviously it's different for every case. Anyway, there are several other Social Security type benefits like Veterans, Survivors, Death, etc, but it always causes confusion because the acronyms are all fucked -- the Nixon administration or whoever didn't think their cunning plan through. [[Image:Horse3.gif|Horsehorsehorse]] [[User talk:Horsehorsehorse|Talktalktalk]] 16:00, 3 October 2010 (PDT)
:Thanks for clearing that shit up, I can see I was confused on a number of points. Well done. [[User:Dkaien|Dkaien]] 16:33, 3 October 2010 (PDT)
::Actually, no, Chris's check is SSDI because they had to use Bob's work record to file for it. That wouldn't have been necessary if it was SSI. Chris would also be subject to extremely stringent asset rules if he was receiving SSI. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 16:59, 3 October 2010 (PDT)

:::Of course, now with the Jackie emails, things are confused again. Chris referred to his tugboat exclusively as SSI, but that's not something he would have had to use Bob's social security record to get, merely proof of his own lack of income/assets. It's good news for the "sink the tugboat" crowd if he's telling the truth, though; it's a lot easier to lose SSI benefits than SSDI. [[User:Kazmeyer|Kazmeyer]] 09:45, 9 November 2010 (PST)

::::*I think a lot of people get hung up over Bob's involvement when, in my case, they shouldn't be. I think when Chris comments on how Bob "pulled some strings" he was doing so to sound important, not because Bob did something shady (though I won't rule out the possibility). But this does bring up a good point, as I personally wasn't aware that SSI was also for disabled people. I thought SSI was regular social security, that is for those over 65, and SSDI was for the disabled but Wikipedia has proved me wrong. Has Chris said it's SSI? It would be safer to go with what Chris says. Find sources for that and add a note that it could be SSDI. --[[User:Champthom|Champthom]] 07:34, 2 July 2011 (PDT)

:::::*Dkain is correct. It's SSIDI (Supplemental Security Income for Disabled and some other shit that starts with an "I"). It's a program for disabled children of qualifying parents. Obstensibly it's money Bob paid into the system when he was drawing a paycheck (via FICA tax); in reality the payout ends up being more than what was paid in because of annual cost-of-living increases and the initial settlement. $800 is a common monthly amount and is pretty much the low end of the totem pole, but Medicare is included and the income is non-taxable. The beneficiary (in this case, Chris) is reviewed every 3 to 5 years to re-qualify -- there's little chance that Chris would be cut off, because if he ain't a hopeless nutjob, who is?

::::::I get SSDI, (Social Security Disability Income) which is different -- basically it's what Bob would qualify for. (I'm older than all you punx but not of retirement age thx, plus ''I have all my hair.'') I paid into the system for twenty years and don't feel bad about getting some of it back. It kind of blows getting by on what they hand out (I was making a tidy six figures before I got sick) and I'm about to nuke the whole thing by getting a j.o.b., but it was sure a leg up. Plus I have these groovy license plates. I was denied twice and had to appeal three times, it took about two years to do. The case worker came to see me while I was in the ICU once and I still got turned down. There's a thing called "ticket to work" that lets you make some outside income, but I could never get a straight answer about how much you can make before they cut you off so I didn't take the gig -- losing Medicare would have made things very iffy. Fun, but of a mild type.

::::::One more clarification (Champ, accept my apologies and feel free to toast all this if I'm getting too forum-y) SSDI is paid on the 3rd of the month, supposedly at 12 AM unless the 3rd falls on a weekend or holiday when it gets bumped up a day or two. Ferexample, since the 3rd of this month (July '11) is a Sunday, benefits were paid on the night of Thursday May 31st (formally, midnight Friday morning). Most banks will let you take an (up to) one-month advance against a direct deposit, usually at a horrendous interest rate (Wells Fargo and B of A charge 120% IIRC) -- Chris could use this credit line on the sly without Bob knowing until the next month. It'd be interesting to know if he has done so, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

::::::Medicare is Federal and parts A, B, and D (doctor, hospital, prescription) come with SSDI. Being awarded SSDI qualifies you for Medic''aid'', which is optional and administered by the state. Medicaid takes care of the co-pays, but you have to pay a stiffish premium. It's also of course not deducted from your (Federal) benefits, you have to pay it yourself. (In my case, the Medicaid premium was over a thousand bucks a month but I was facing surgery where the co-pay alone would have been over $100K.) Reading between the lines, Chris doesn't seem to have Medicaid, probably a case of Bob being cheap and Chris' medical expenses not amounting to much anyway. - [[User:Smokedaddy|Smokedaddy]] 09:04, 2 July 2011 (PDT)

== One thing I've been dying to know... ==

Why exactly is Chris villainized for spending a portion of his money on whatever he wants? This is the one and only thing I'll defend him on, because I'm on disability myself, and I don't appreciate people on such a program being called "welfare leeches" or being accused of stealing and/or wasting taxpayer money because they had ''the nerve'' to spend their share of it on video games or whatever.

Chris and fashion

2012-01-22T19:42:18Z

TheSwedishElf: /* The “Tomgirl” series */

{{Articleofthenow}}
[[Image:0043-YoungChristopher2.jpg|thumb|Fashion passes. Style is forever.]]
{{Quote|Oh yeah, you just love to see me in my- in the old red, white and blue.|Chris to [[Kacey]]<ref>[[Kacey Call 2]]g</ref>}}
[[Christian Weston Chandler]] has a somewhat peculiar taste in '''fashion'''. Although he is willing to [[Chris and money|spend thousands of dollars]] on [[video games]], [[toys]], and [[sex dolls]], Chris is very stingy when it comes to shopping for his clothes, which are exclusively purchased secondhand at thrift stores like [[Wikipedia:Salvation Army|Salvation Army]] and [[Wikipedia:Goodwill Industries|Goodwill]]. Therefore, the only clothes he owns are colorful collared shirts and undersized rugby shirts that have been marinating in his [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|bodily stench and fluids]] for the past decade. Since most of them are decorated with horizontal stripes, they only make him look [[Obesity|fatter]].

[[Mailbag 42#The rugby shirt he wore for 3 days in a row isn't a favorite or anything|Mailbag 42]] revealed that at least one (the "Advice Dog" shirt) and possibly all of his shirts were purchased by his cruel, cruel [[Barbara Chandler|mother]] so people will notice the fact that he's [[Autism|"special"]] and [[Kick the Autistic|treat him with sympathy]]. Alternatively, it could be that the Chandlers just aren't exactly what you'd call "fashion savvy". Although his mother doesn't directly dress him anymore, Chris still chooses to wear these shirts, possibly out of a strong aversion to change, a common trait of [[autistic]] people.

== Childhood ==
[[Image:Ernie.jpg|thumb|Ernie also enjoys "The Classic".]]

In his youth, Chris set the general tone for years to come with many striped polo and T-shirts and khaki pants. The only difference compared to today is that he sometimes even dared to wear single-colored shirts with his [[Sonic the Hedgehog|favorite game]] and [[television]] characters on them. The only article of clothing he was seen in until the summer of [[2010]] that didn't follow the "long-sleeved, colorful clown suit" theme is the [[Pokémon]] T-shirt that he has owned since he was 19. Being yellow, it does not look good on him.

== Trademark clothing ==

[[File:Chrischan5.jpg|thumb|left|Artist's vision of Chris's typical outfit, featuring the Horizontal Horror.]]

Chris's classic outfit consists of:

* His favorite shirt, a [http://www.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=1cd2b01&deptid=70673&dep=MEN&catid=78744&pcat=MEN&cat=casual+shirts&NOffset=0&pcatid=70673&Ne=4294957900+5+29+3+596+1007+8+1031+18+904+833+949&N=4294938542+269&SO=0&cattyp=RLE&Nao=0&PSO=0&bcCat=3&CmCatId=70673%7c78744 St. John's Bay® Rugby Stripe Sueded Polo], which is so tight that it accentuates his voluptuous, masculine bosoms. This is the shirt that Chris almost invariably draws himself wearing in the [[Sonichu (comic)|comics]].
* His [[Medallions of Fail|medallions]] (sporadically) and his [[High School Ring]]
* A pair of [[Pedo-Glasses]] attached to a chain.
* Jeans or khaki slacks. Chris's jeans typically define his rear end to a disturbing level — he may be wearing women's jeans, or he may simply still wear pants his gut long ago outgrew.
* [[Belt Buckle of Fail]]
* Alternatively, a green terrycloth bathrobe with a mismatched (of course) black belt on occasions when even getting dressed would involve too much [[stress]].
* On occasion, a dark suit jacket, perhaps for the many [[Chris and death|funerals that plague his existence]].
* During the winter months, a dark blue parka with orange and yellow stripes to enhance visibility.
* Since late [[2009]], a [[sports bra]] to keep the previously mentioned bosoms in check.

==The "IBA" outfit==
In mid-[[2009#June|June 2009]], roughly around the time he made friends, Chris temporarily decided that his current look was old hat. He got rid of many of the striped shirts (mostly because he couldn't fit into them anymore) and grew a terrible goatee.

The reformed Chris's wardrobe consisted of:

*Sunglasses over normal glasses (glasses chain remains)
*T-shirt over long sleeved shirt.
*Goatee.
*Tattoo sleeves
*A black vest that is too small for his girth.
*[[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS]]

His new attire was first properly presented to the world in the [[Rollin' and Trollin']] video.

Soon afterward, however, he went back to sporting his traditional clownshirts, and claimed that he was pressured into making the Rollin' and Trollin' video.

==The "Gay Trucker" outfit==

[[Image:Personalprofile.jpg|thumb|Notice how his pose in this picture is eerily reminiscent of his pose in [[ShecameforCWC.jpg]].]]

After he promised to leave the [[Internet]] in the spring of [[2010]], Chris threw away his clown shirts, ditched the [[medallion]] for several months (it returned in [[Haters Gonna Hate.MOV|September]]), and picked up a new wardrobe in an attempt to look like a normal person,including a denim jacket from Goodwill that he cut the sleeves off of just to look gayer.<ref>[[Kacey Call 2]]</ref> The result is a modified version of the IBA outfit. It has been observed that Chris tries to look like a bad boy, but he ends up looking like a gay trucker, hence the trolls' term for his new wardrobe.

The only way he could make it look gayer is by combining it with his [[muscle bra]]. Which, unfortunately, he has. [[Fridays After Five|And in public.]] At this point, going back to the [[Sonichu Medallion]] would actually ''improve'' his chances of picking up girls.

[[File:EnjoyVagaina.jpg|thumb|left|Deftly combining what Chris [[Coke|has too much of]] and what he [[China|will never have]].]]

With the arrival of the gay trucker outfit also came an interest in T-shirts that boldly express Chris's desire for sex, often in exceedingly tasteless ways. The first clear look at one of these shirts was in a [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV|profoundly disturbing video]] leaked in late [[April 2010]] which featured Chris wearing a [[parody]] shirt that read "Mount and do me". That said, the video was made for a potential sweetheart that Chris desperately wanted to fuck, leaving open the possibility that Chris didn't intend to dress like that outside his [[Chris's room|bedroom]].

Chris destroyed any hope of that being the case on 18 [[June 2010]] when he wore a shirt that said "Enjoy Vagina" to a public, family-oriented concert. He then topped this later, by pulling that shirt over his head, and standing around in his muscle bra, on which he had written "WANT WOMAN!" The common belief is that these tasteless, sexually themed shirts are the next evolution of the [[attraction sign]], a way for him to inform potential mates that he is both straight and available without ever having to talk to people.

In late [[August 2010]], Chris returned to the Internet with a series of videos where he sported simple, loose-fitting T-shirts (including a [[Manchester High School]] senior class T-shirt which he must have reverently preserved for at least a decade). The effect is interesting, bringing him closer to something like normality than he's been in many years. He's still a pale, sweaty, balding, grotesquely fat, pathetically weak manchild, but in Ruckersville, that puts him reasonably close to the mainstream.

A number of Chris's t-shirts appear to have been with him for a decade or more — the Manchester High shirt, a souvenir shirt from the BrickFest event in [[2000]], a [[Pokémon]] trainer shirt from the Books-a-Million where Chris played [[card games]] between [[1998]] and 2000. Either he's willing to keep shirts that have some personal significance around for a very long time, or his packrat tendencies prevent him from throwing any of them away.
{{clear}}

==The Carlos Chantor outfit==
[[File:Chantor.jpg|thumb|His best outfit yet, too bad it did not last.]]

A single picture of Chris posing as a male prostitute was posted on Escorts.com.

It is significant because it implies that Chris can dress like a normal human being if he wants to remain inconspicuous.

The black shirt and sunglasses he is wearing are never seen in any later pictures.

==The “Tomgirl” series==
[[Image:TG19.jpg|thumb|He made himself into a [[sweetheart from the ground-up]].]]

{{main|Tomgirl Pictures}}

In April 2011 a series of pictures were leaked showing Chris dressed in woman’s clothing in public. His new outfit consists of:

* Bright green nail polish
* Earrings (a purple glass stud and a blue ring) - note that piercing the right ear was at one point code for [[homos]]exuality; guess which one Chris pierced twice?
* Women's sandals
* Blue eyeliner
* Jeans
* Blue string top
*Black thong
*A silver ring<ref>File:TG6.jpg</ref> (note that silver rings have been used to symbolize a pledge [[F Abstinence|virginity]] until marriage)<ref>[http://www.silverringthing.com/]</ref>
* A red and blue sweater vest (tank top) with a red shirt underneath it
* Red lipstick
* A new pair of [[glasses]]

==Theory of fashion==
The clothes that Christian chooses seem almost like a costume for him, especially his infamous striped shirt. Given that he is [[autistic]], observers often speculate that he may have difficulty with identifying things visually, including himself. In [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], he alluded to having to take time to study his appearance in a mirror, possibly wearing the shirt in question. Either way, Christian seems to regard his shirt as an integral part of his identity in the same way that [[trolls]] do.

His fashion sense has shown itself to be evolving in the last year, but moving in cycles. In [[2010]] he seemed to have ditched the [[Sonichu medallion]] and moved into what could be described as a more edgy, hip, aggressive look. His success at being so is on par for course with the rest of his attempts at things.

Of note, during his conversation with [[Kacey]] while posing as [[Liquid Chris]] he claimed to also own a striped shirt like the "impostor". He expressed much joy at the fact that it was red, white and blue, implying owning a shirt was proof of his patriotism.

==Wardrobe==
Below is a gallery of most of Chris's wardrobe, along with links to the videos they appeared in:
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Christshirt1.png|"The Classic" [[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 27th, 2008|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 18th, 2009|3]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 19th, 2009|4]] [[CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me"|5]] [[SingStar Challenge Round 1|6]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2009|7]] [[SingStar_Challenge#Watch|8]] [[SingStar Challenge Round 1|9]] [[SingStar Challenge Round 4|10]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 22nd, 2009|11]] [[Show RESPECT to me, "C"CWC|12]] [[Sign Destruction Video|13]] [[CWC Personal Sonichu Presentation|14]]
Image:Christshirt4.png|"The Advice Dog" [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 24th, 2008|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate Columbus Day, 2008|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 6th, 2009|3]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 10th, 2009|4]] [[12 January 2010|5]] [[14 January 2010|6]] [[What's the Name, Christian Chandler, C H R I S C H A N|7]] [[15 January 2010|8]] [[U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L|9]]
Image:Christshirt3.png|"[[Liquid Chris|The Impostor]]" [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 9th, 2008|1]] [[Chop Chop Onion's Rap Showdown|2]] [[Magical Man Potion|3]]
Image:Christshirt5.png|"The Napoleon" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 17th, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 4th, 2009|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 27th, 2009|3]] [[Challenge for Clyde II|4]] [[15 October 2009|5]] [[9 December 2009|6]] [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|7]] [[22 January 2010|8]] [[I am Alive|9]] [[100 2269|10]] [[A Hike|11]]
Image:Christshirt6.png|"The Racing Stripe" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 12th, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 10th, 2009|2]] [[Congrats, Jack Black|3]] [[ECV 00002|4]]
Image:Christshirt7.png| "The Power Ranger" [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008|1]] [[CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC|2]] [[LOOK at the truth!|3]]
Image:Christshirt8.png| "The Dunwich Horror" [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 12th, 2009|1]] [[More for the crabs|2]] [[ECV 00081|3]] [[Bunny Hop|4]] [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5]] [[CWC address to Royal Board|6]] [[Address to Mao, the S.O.B.|7]] [[Apologies to Alec and Evan|8]]
Image:Christshirt10.png|"The Two-Face" [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 23rd, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate May 3rd, 2009|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate May 3rd, 2009|3]] [[Wigwam|4]] [[WeighIn|5]]
Image:Christshirt11a.png|"The Poké-Master" [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 6th, 2008|1]] [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero|2]]
Image:Christshirt12.png|"The Horizontal Horror" [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 8th, 2009|1]]
Image:Christshirt13a.png|"The Jerkop" [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 13th, 2008|1]] [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero|2]]
Image:Christshirt14.png|"The Greasy Flag" [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 6th, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 9th, 2009|2]] [[I am devoted to My Sweetest Ivy|3]] [[Matthew 5 27, CWC Confessions|4]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 17th, 2009|5]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate May 22nd, 2009|6]] [[I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts|7]] [[9 October 2009|8]] [[Warning - Naughty Women ;)|9]] [[Old Time Rock and Roll on Shredwud|10]] [[Brutal Legend|11]] [[3 December 2009|12]]
Image:Christshirt18.png|"The Star Fleet Captain" [[CWC More Than A Feeling|1]]
Image:Christshirt17.png|"The Scuderia Autistirarri" [[Chris's Big Night Out|1]] [[10 September 2009|2]]
Image:Christshirt19.png|"The Flag-Waving Patriot" [[Chris Destroys His Vibrator|1]] [[A CWC Audition|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 28th, 2009|3]] [[CWC only accepts IN-PERSON FEMALE Encounters|4]] [[Challenge for Clyde|5]] [[Brutal Legend Plus|6]] [[For_Chris#IBA.27s_video|7]] [[IPods Down and Listen Up|8]] [[Hello, Juffalo|9]] [[9 February 2010|10]]
Image:Christshirt20.png|"The Captain Falcon" [[Down with Asperchu|1]]
Image:Christshirt21.png|"The DangerStripe" [[This was my fault|1]] [[Address to my CWCipedia SysOP|2]]
Image:Christshirt22.png|"The Cyclone Joker" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 21st, 2009|1]] [[CWC Callout for Miss Emily and Stephanie|2]] [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|3]] [[A message to the Trolls|4]] [[Don't Mess With Me|5]]
Image:ChrisShirt43.png|"The Swamp Monster" [[Captain's Log, Stardate December 20th, 2009|1]] [[I like Mary Poppins|2]] [[DayOut|3]] [[FullHouse|4]]
Image:Christshirt23.png|"The Traffic Light" [[Chris Chan's Public Announcement|1]] [[A Sonichu Day|2]] [[Shout out to Fans in Hospital|3]] [[To Clyde and Jack.MOV|4]] [[Kill De Jack|5]]
Image:ChristshirtPoke.png|"The Manchild" [[Chris dispels videogame rumors|1]] [[ItIsFinished.MOV|2]] [[Haters Gonna Hate.MOV|3]]
Image:Christshirt28.png|"The Rugby of Shame" [[Christian's Update 11 September 2008|1]]
Image:Parappashirt.png|"The [[PaRappa the Rapper|PaRappa]] Shirt" [[51 50|1]]
Image:sportsbra.png|"The [[Muscle bra|Muscle Bra]]" [[04232010 - Autism Awareness & Men Should NEVER be Topless|1]] [[100 2266|2]] [[ECV 00001|3]]
Image:sportsbra2.png|"The Muscle Bra 2" [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV|1]]
Image:Christshirt27.png|"The Dirty Dashiki" [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 8th, 2008|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 16th, 2009|2]] [[CWC to Mr. Miyamoto-san|3]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 4th, 2009|4]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 26th, 2009|5]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 27th, 2009|6]] [[Challenge for Clyde II|7]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 15th, 2009|8]] [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|9]] [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|10]] [[I am Alive|11]]
Image:Christshirt37.png|"The [[Homos|Mount and Do Me]]" [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV|1]]
Image:Christshirt25.png|"The [[Duck]]ie Shirt" [[Take that Page DOWN NOW!|1]] [[Secret Weapon|2]] [[YouTube Finale|3]] [[SingStar Challenge Round 5|4]]
Image:Christshirt26.png|"The Shamrock Shake" [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 15th, 2008|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 28th, 2008|2]] [[Bless the Fans, Curse the Trolls|3]]
Image:Christshirt29.png|"The Shamrock Stripes" [[Chris Sex Videos|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate July 7th, 2009|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 12th, 2009|3]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 13th, 2009|4]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 20th, 2009|5]] [[Clyde Cash the kid video|6]] [[For Kacey II|7]] [[To Clyde Gregg|8]] [[For Chris II|9]] [[Lars Is Jivin'.MP4|10]]
Image:Christshirt31.png|"The Burgundy Nightmare" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 8th, 2009|1]]
Image:Christshirt32.png|"The Burgundy Nightmare Redux" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 15th, 2009|1]] [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|2]]
Image:Christshirt33.png|"The Bumblebee" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 26th, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 18th, 2009|2]]
Image:Christshirt35.png|"The Intimidator" [[Chris Calls Clyde Out|1]] [[I Love You Kacey|2]] [[10242009|3]] [[29 January 2010|4]] [[C-Ya Later|5]] [[Cleveland Show Voice Rant|6]]
Image:Christshirt38.png|"The [[Rainbow]] Flag" [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|1]]
Image:Christshirt30.png|"The Big Green" [[We're Being Watched|1]] [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|2]]
Image:Christshirt41.png|"The White Trash" [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 29th, 2009|1]] [[War Paint Video|2]] [[Some Favored Comedians|3]] [[Lars' Ship has Sunk.MOV|4]]
Image:Christshirt45.png|"The Happy Jack" [[CWC Dare|1]] [[June062010.MOV|2]] [[To Jackie, with Love.MOV|3]] [[XBox is OK.MOV|4]]
Image:Christshirt46.png|"The Bordeaux Butcher" [[Apology to Emily|1]]
Image:Christshirt40.png|"The Ivory Poacher" [[25 September 2009|1]]

</gallery>
</center>

{{Illustrations}}

== Wrist warmer ==

[[Image:Wrist Warmer.jpg|thumb|Wrist warmer]]

Ever wonder what that thing is behind Chris's neck?

{{quote|Yes, it is a part of my necklace; it's a "[[Wikipedia:Wilson Sporting Goods|Wilson]]" wrist-warmer I use to cover the discomfort of the number of Links back there.|Chris<ref>Email from Chris posted in old [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens (message board)|PVCC]] thread 162</ref>}}

Chris most likely wears it as a counter to [[Wikipedia:Sensory defensiveness|sensory defensiveness]], a condition common among autistics, in which a normally harmless sensation directly triggers a fight-or-flight reaction.

==Fanny pack==
[[Image:0226-ChristianWMrsSanford.jpg|thumb|left|Chris and [[Mrs. Sanford]].]]
[[Image:0105-MomRetire13.jpg|thumb|right|Chris in '''1996'''.]]
[[Image:0503-CWCAsh4.jpg|thumb|left|[[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|Pimp mah riiide!]]]]
[[Image:0565-CWCKellieGrads.jpg|thumb|Chris with [[Kellie Andes]]. Chris would have, for the first time in his life, looked like he dressed sharp, if it wasn't for the fanny pack. Note the award that Kellie is holding.]]
[[Image:0647-CWCAshAnime.jpg|thumb| Chris, on '''29 May 2004'''.]]

A fanny pack (known as a "bum bag" in the British Commonwealth) is a small fabric pouch secured with a zipper and worn by use of a strap around the hips or waist. Fanny packs reached the peak of their popularity in the late 1980s and early-to-mid 1990s, and have since been considered to be a fashion faux pas.<ref>http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/once-reviled-fanny-packs-get-a-high-fashion-makeover-and-an-even-higher-pricetag-2452640#photoViewer=1</ref> Naturally Chris wore them throughout the 1990s and 2000s.

== Cosplaying ==
{{main|Chris and cosplaying}}

== Sources ==
<references />

{{Chris and}}

Chris's room (14 Branchland Court)

2011-03-22T04:49:41Z

TheSwedishElf:

[[Image:Panorama.jpg|A panoramic view of Chris's room.|thumb|center|666px]]
[[Image:0828-EP12-5P7-1.jpg|There is no escape, YOUNG LADY.|thumb|200px]]

The dragon's lair. [[Chris]] has spent most of his life in '''his room'''. Since being kicked out of [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|college]], the [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|mall]], and the [[The Game Place|''Pokémon'' League]], he leaves his room regularly only for [[church]] and, more recently, [[Fridays After Five]], with the odd [[Chris's Big Night Out|notable exception]].

==Overview==
[[Image:Chrischansroom15xt7.jpg|200px|thumb|A rough map of Chris's room.]]
Chris's bedroom is on the second floor of [[14 Branchland Court|his house]], with two windows on the northwest wall and a smaller window (covered by [[The Wall of Originals]]) on the northeast wall. Based on Chris's [[Tour of Christian's House|video tour]] of his house, his cluttered room is still the cleanest room in the house, which may explain why so much of his time is spent there.

Chris's room — like most bedrooms — also sums up many of his awful habits and traits:
* His incredible attachment to material possessions, as evidenced by the massive amounts of clutter.
* His incredible laziness, as evidenced by how much of said clutter is scattered haphazardly on the floor, bed, and couch.
* In contrast, the careful and orderly arrangement of his [[video games]], DVDs, [[trading cards]], posters, and toys shows how they rank on his list of priorities against things like work, education, human relationships, or personal development.
* [[Megan]]'s shrine, the definite and unquestionable proof of Chris's obsession with the only person that has ever been friendly to him, whom he cruelly drove away.
* The prevalence of ''[[Pokémon]]'', ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]'', and other franchises aimed at kids — people of the same mental and emotional age as Chris.
* The majority of his possessions are toys or video games — objects which [[Autism|perform predictably]] [[Chris_and_his_Ego#Materialism|within his absolute control]].
* He also shows extreme hoarding behavior that is commonly found in the elderly, formerly abused children, and the autistic. Since Chris insists he's autistic, it's probably safe to say that he hoards as a coping mechanism.
* Finally, Chris retreats to his room whenever he feels the slightest bit of [[stress]], refuses to discard his detritus, and sees it as the gateway to his fantasy world of [[CWCville]]; it is safe to assume the toys which he claims to play with for two to three hours a day,<ref>[[Mailbag_25#In which Chris tells us how many hours he plays with toys a day|Mailbag #25]]</ref> are like a physical extension of his own imaginary world that provide a sense of safety and comfort.

In [[February 2009]], [[Clyde Cash]] forced Chris to [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 10th, 2009|clean up his room a bit]].

Besides Chris, only two other people have been seen venturing into the cesspool he calls his room: [[Bob Chandler]], as exposed in a [[THAT IS MY HOUSE#Uncut|leaked video]]; and an [[Troll|unnamed individual]] appearing in the [[Magical Man Potion]] video. One animal, [[Kitty Chandler]], was shown in Chris's room in [[20 December 2009|another video]].

In some daytime videos, there is a strange green hue. It is possible that it was an issue of camera quality or light shining through his curtains, but it could also be [[Chris and Health#Hygiene|noxious gasses]] made by the mutated combination of [[AXE|Axe Body Spray]] and [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|Chris's own stench]].

==Images from the Pits of Hell==
These images are arranged beginning at the northeastern wall of the room, going counter-clockwise. Not included here are photographs of the southeastern wall and east corner.

<center>
<gallery>
Image:411-CWCWeekP5 crop 1.jpg|[[April 2000]], as Chris was moving back in from [[Richmond]].
Image:0821-EP12-5P6-5.jpg|Northeastern wall, near the north corner. [[The Wall of Originals|A sheet of his homemade ''Pokémon'' cards]] covers the window.
Image:0822-EP12-5P6-4.jpg|North corner
Image:0823-EP12-5P6-3.jpg|Northwestern wall near the north corner. The air conditioner on the left here can be seen in the upper left corner of the front of his house.
Image:0824-EP12-5P6-9.jpg|Northwestern wall near the west corner.
Image:0825-EP12-5P6-8.jpg|West corner. The bookshelf on the right is the [[Megan shrine]].
Image:0826-EP12-5P6-7.jpg|Southwestern wall. The closet doors are behind the shelves of video games. It's not clear how Chris can access the contents of the closet, assuming he ever does.
Image:0827-EP12-5P6-6.jpg|South corner. The door leads out of the room into the hallway. The [[Attraction Sign]] can be seen hanging on the back of the door. In [[Sonichu 6|''Sonichu'' #6]], the portal leading to CWCville appears where the ''Dance Dance Revolution'' mat is hanging. To add the finishing touch of [[fail]], there is a ''Bubsy'' game on the shelf.
Image:ECP 00090.jpg|Great view of the Wall of Originals.
Image:ECP 00084.jpg|Three bookshelves full of games.
Image:100 0836.JPG|Close-ups of the Desk of Fail.
Image:100 0834.JPG
Image:100 0833.JPG
Image:100 0832.JPG
Image:100 0831.JPG
File:100_2242.JPG
File:100_2243.JPG
File:100_2245.JPG
File:100_2246.JPG
File:100_2247.JPG
File:100_2248.JPG
File:100_2249.JPG
File:100_2250.JPG
File:100_2251.JPG
File:100_2252.JPG
</gallery>
</center>

==See also==
* [[14 Branchland Court]]
* [[Megan Shrine]]
* [[Ruckersville, VA]]

==References==
<references />

{{Places}}

[[Category:Chris's house]]

Kacey Call 2

2011-03-02T01:45:35Z

TheSwedishElf:

'''Kacey Call 2''' took place during the time when Chris was pretending to be [[Liquid Chris]]. The call occurred the day before or morning of the day they were to meet up with Chris hoping that he could [[cum]] all over Kacey.

==Transcript==
'''Chris:''' Hello? 
 '''Kacey:''' Um hi, it's Kacey. 
 '''Chris:''' Hey Kace. Yeah, you uh, you saw the video I uploaded? 
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, I, you know, I really hate this about you, but I can't stay angry at you when you do things like this. So it just made me forget everything. I, I love just love that song, it’s so heartfelt. 
 '''Chris:''' [pauses] Yeah, yeah, that song is one of my favorites as well, you know. Otherwise I wouldn’t’ve sung it. 
 '''Kacey:''' Awwww. [pause] So um 
 '''Chris:''' [speaking over Kacey] So anyways, uh…
 '''Kacey:''' You wanted me to call you? 
 '''Chris:''' Uh, yeah, you know, uh, you know I read your e-mail, it was like, you know, you got angry at me, it just, made me feel a little upset at the moment. 
 '''Kacey:''' Well, I mean, you were really like, I don’t know, you were just so weird earlier. And so I figured you were mad at me or something and it’s just
 '''Chris:''' [interrupting] Oh no, no no
 '''Kacey:''' I meant it, I meant it when I said if we were ever torn apart I would totally die of heart break. So, I’m sorry if I just, you know… I, I just love you so much. 
 '''Chris:''' I understand. I appreciate that. [Kacey giggles] [Cannot understand what Chris is saying] Ok anyway, anyway I was just alooking at a picture of my mom and dad to send you, I’mma just send it to you right now. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, oh, OK! 
 '''Chris:''' It’s nice picture of my mom and dad from uh, let’s see, I think it was from my dad, my dad’s last birthday. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, OK, awesome. So you’re sending it to my e-mail? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. It, it’s a good picture of them really. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh cool, I can’t wait. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, at least yah know what, at least you’ll know what they look like when you get here later. 
 '''Kacey:''' Right! Exactly! [giggle] So, um, besides that what’s on your mind? 
 '''Chris:''' [pause] Oh, what’s… on… my… you know I just… I miss you. I miss talking to you, I was waiting for you. 
 '''Kacey:''' Awwww. Aw, you see, now I feel so much better. I can’t wait to come over later today. 
 '''Chris:''' I can’t wait to have you here. [Kacey giggles followed by a pause] Yeah. 
 '''Kacey:''' So, um, you’re still cooking me something right? 
 '''Chris:''' Oh yeah, I got some ri-, I uh, I’m going to have some rigatoni in the oven for you. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, I thought it was risotto, but, I love rigatoni too, so that’s OK. 
 '''Chris:''' Risotto. Risotto? I thought… I’m sorry, I got mixed up again. Risotto…
 '''Kacey:''' It’s OK, it’s cute, we’ll do risotto some other time. So, um, do you have any other plans for us that night? 
 '''Chris:''' [pauses] Hmmmm, other plans? Well we’ll hang out, well we could hang out in my room for a while you know, talk some more and then eventually we c-, we could get around to some love makin’. 
 '''Kacey:''' Ou-hoo, that sounds awesome! 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. 
 '''Kacey:''' So, uh, go into detail, what’re we going to do? 
 '''Chris:''' [pauses] Uh… whatta we gonna do during our love makin’? 
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah! 
 '''Chris:''' Oh yeah, I think I remember telling you I was going to put my dick between those guys, that thing about, uh, strapping you and then putting my dick between your breasts and just letting it out on your face, 
 '''Kacey:''' Uh huh
 '''Chris:''' And then licking it off [Kacey giggles]and making out with you and exchanging it. 
 '''Kacey:''' Mmmm. 
 '''Chris:''' Do you remember? 
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah I remember, but I like hearing it from you. 
 '''Chris:''' Oh yeah, you love hearing it from me. You love my hand drawing style. 
 '''Kacey:''' Uh, sure, I don’t know what that has to do with this, but… [giggles]
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, well you know, I draw well, I draw, I draw with my hands…
 '''Kacey:''' Uh huh…
 '''Chris:''' Pretty much uh, pretty much gives you that sensation when you uh… [pause] when I massage you and press your breasts. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, that’s awesome. So, you know, just thinking, I hate to change the subject, but, um, so how long did it take you to master your art style? 
 '''Chris:''' How long did it take me? My life time. 
 '''Kacey:''' Life time? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah! 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, so like you’re always improving! 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah! I took, I took a lot of art classes in my life time, from uh, from primary to high school. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, so is there any other way you practice it? 
 '''Chris:''' [pauses] Sorry, I didn’t quite understand the question. 
 '''Kacey:''' Like, um, is there any way you do things outside art classes, like any tips you have for, um, your art, something you do to practice? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you know, I draw. I draw by hand. Sometime sculpt. 
 '''Kacey:''' Ok. So do you draw anything else other than, uh, Sonichu? 
 '''Chris:''' Oh yeah, I got a whole book of, uh, other art work. I created home-, I created, when I was about, back when I was playing Pokemon trading card game, this was like a long time ago, I created a whole gallery of homemade Pokemon trading cards, even homemade Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Never played them, I just created them for fun with my, with my homemade, with my own thoughts, Pokemon characters. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, that’s cool…
 '''Chris:''' And this with Sonichu, and this with Sonichu and Rosechu and even just, and even a whole bunch like looking for. You know there’s like, you know my very first homemade Pokemon card I did, uh, excuse me, my, uh, television’s playing, I gotta get it. 
 '''Kacey:''' Ok, it’s cool. 
 '''Chris:''' I mean, I mean I was, I mean I was in another, I was in another room but I just [unable to understand] but anyways, my first Pokemon card ever… Ok, this was, this was inspired when Nintendo Power ran an April Fool’s Joke about how to catch Luigi as a wild Pokemon. 
 '''Kacey:''' Uh huh! 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you know, you gotta catch, you gotta catch Lickitung, turn the GameBoy upside down, and then Lickitung, Lickitung turns into Luigi. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, oh! I got your picture! Um, awwwww your parents look so sweet. 
 '''Chris:''' Aren’t they? Yeah…
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, I mean, your dad looks just like you! How long have they been married? 
 '''Chris:''' They have been married since 1980. They got married on June 7th. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh June 7th, that’s cool. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, so they’ve been married my age plus 2 years. Twenty nine. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh! Oh cool! 
 [long pause]
 '''Chris:''' Oh actually, uh, actually you know uh, I guess I’ll uh, go ahead and sent it to you, but, uh, because of a favor a friend of mine, that I ah, that a friend of mine did for me earlier today, I uh…
 '''Kacey:''' Which friend? 
 '''Chris:''' It was like, it was like an internet favor, you know, uh, uh…
 '''Kacey:''' Huh? 
 '''Chris:''' Recovering my, recovering my pass-, recovering my password which is like impossible to do, he’s like somebody, I don’t know, like somebody got into, uh, into my YouTube account or something, but anyway…
 '''Kacey:''' [interrupting] Oh God! Those trolls! 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but anyway, anyway, I got, anyway, managed to get that back and uh, I returned the favor to the uh, to my, uh, to my gal-pal who helped me here. Which is strange. 
 '''Kacey:''' Who’s that? Who’s that? 
 '''Chris:''' Her name is Kate. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, oh, you mentioned her before. So, uh, how is she? What did you do for her? 
 '''Chris:''' Oh, yeah, well, you see, yeah, I’m looking up the picture of this drawing I did right now, I had to take it with my camera because my, uh, printer is uh, printer/scanner/copier is out of order. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, oh, huh, so I guess I’m not going to be in the comics anytime soon, huh? You know I would love to be! 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, uh, I mean, I mean I do a whole bunch of, uh, drawings outside the, uh, co-, outside the, uh, comics. 
 '''Kacey:''' Are you going to make some of me? 
 '''Chris:''' [pauses] Mmm, I, uh, am I gon-, am I going put you in the comics? 
 '''Kacey:''' Yes please! 
 '''Chris:''' I might. 
 '''Kacey:''' I would love it! I mean that’s been my dream since I’ve seen them. 
 '''Chris:''' Oh yeah. You just love to see me, you just love to see me in my, in the old red, white and blue. Just uh, being, just uh, being with you in the uh, in the, uh, comic world. 
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah! Yeah! It’d be awesome, just like, you know… now! [giggles]
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, just like now and tomorrow! 
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah! [pause] So, um, about your comics, I mean, are they going to, like, take off or anything? Liiiiiiike, you know with Dark Horse? 
 '''Chris:''' Oh! Oh! Oh yeah, well, I’mma workin’ on how to get in touch with Dark Horse. I’m also thinking about DC and Marvel. I thought about, ah, Archie because, you know, they, they originally did the Sonic the Hedgehog comic book series, so I’ve into, been into, so I’ve been into them for a long time, you know. You know, because Sonic the Hedgehog is like my life time hero. Actually not really all my life long, I mean, it’s just like, you know since he came out back in 1990. Be- You know before him who my hero, who my hero was? [short short pause giving Kacey no chance to guess] The American Rabbit. 
 '''Kacey:''' Who’s that? 
 '''Chris:''' It was a ni-, it was a, it was a basically only d-, only a, they only released it in one movie called The Adventures of The American Rabbit. It was like, ah, it was a white rabbit named Rob, but then all he had to do to become a superhero was just run very fast and he becomes this pastry, patriotic colored rabbit with roller skates. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, um, ok…
 '''Chris:''' You can look it up! 
 '''Kacey:''' Ok, I will, but I mean I thought Dark Horse already got in touch with you and they already signed you on. Maybe I got that mixed up? 
 '''Chris:''' [pauses] …uh, no, I’m still waiting for Dark Horse to, uh, sort out the details with the, with me, between me and them. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, oh, ok. 
 '''Chris:''' Uh, anyway, uh, anyway, uh, just getting into my e-mail again, I, I’m going to send you the uh, drawings I did for, uh, Kate. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh yeah, please, please do. So, um, how much are they offering you, like is an offer on the table? 
 '''Chris:''' Uhhhh, we haven’t got, uh, we haven’t, uh, we have not gotten to the whole details yet, but I, but you know I’ll let you know. 
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah, I mean, I, I definitely want to, I’m just curious, I just don’t want you to think that’s the only reason I’m with you. I, I mean I love you. 
 '''Chris:''' hmm… My heart goes out to you too very very much with LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! 
 '''Kacey:''' [giggles] So, um yeah, I guess I’ll, I’ll wait for this picture, that’s going to be cool, so um, you wanna tell me more about what you’re doing with me tomorrow? 
 '''Chris:''' What I’m doing while I wait for you tomorrow? Well I’m gonna be fixing up the, uh, fix the, uh, rigatoni, even though I forgot what the other word now…
 '''Kacey:''' The risotto, don’t worry about it. 
 '''Chris:''' … with the rittoni, riss a roni, I’m trying anyway! [Chris laughs] Oh my memory sometimes fails me. You know sometimes when I, sometimes when I talk, it’s like you know I have to space my words because sometimes I actually, uh, uh, sometimes I’m so tired, or whatever, my mind just spaces out and I gotta like collect my thoughts between, uh, in between sessions of words or I
 '''Kacey:''' [overlapping] Right…
 '''Chris:''' sometimes I just, I just, I just, I just stutter, you know? 
 '''Kacey:''' Uh huh. 
 '''Chris:''' It’s been …
 '''Kacey:''' [trying to interrupt] “So….”
 '''Chris:''' [not stopping] going on like that for a long time ever since I put Sonichu on the internet about two thou- ‘bout two thousand four. On the original Sonichu site. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh. Oh, ok. So umm…
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, been doin’ it since about 2004, even though his birth date was, is, is original day of drawing was March 17th 2000. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, cool. 
 '''Chris:''' In front of, in front of Ms. Chalifoux class room at Manchester High School in Titsville County. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, cool! Well, um, really quickly, um since now you have more time, today, tomorrow, whichever, um, can you record you cooking my rigatoni/risotto still? [some other voice says “Hello”] You know, cuz you couldn’t do it if I came today but, you know, please? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeeeaaahhh, well, I’ll see if I, I’ll see if, I’ll see if I, I’ll see if I can deal, ok sweetheart? 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, that’s all I ask. Thanks. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I do what I can for…
 '''Kacey:''' So are you going to show me all the sights and everything too? 
 '''Chris:''' I’ll show you, uh, yeah, I mean, well, you know, if you had [weird audio drop out] aww shoot, I just, I, I just sent the wrong picture by mistake. Ech…
 '''Kacey:''' Ok…
 '''Chris:''' I’m sa-, I’m a, I got a little, I got a little, I distract myself…
 '''Kacey:''' Oh, it’s just your parents again, ok. That’s ok. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah… I mean, I mean, help me out, we’re only human. We’re allowed to make our share of mistakes. That’s a song there, that’s actually called “You’re Only Human Second Wind” from Billy Joel. It’s like, it’s a classic. 
 '''Kacey:''' Well, um, do you want me to call you before, I, uh, leave for today? You know, like before I leave for you? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, call me before you make your way over here. 
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah! 
 '''Chris:''' That would be good. 
 '''Kacey:''' I mean that way I’ll be able to let you know how my car is doing and all that. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, oh, yeah, here we go…
 '''Kacey:''' So excited! 
 '''Chris:''' I, I sent you the drawing. I sent you the drawing. You’re going to love it. It actually relates to like, you know the details I had left obscure, everythi- uh, evra, uh, that’s right, ever ah, ever since I started drawing the comics, like, you know, it’s like you know, defa, you know Sonichu, Rosechu, 
 '''Kacey:''' [interrupting] Oh are those Sonichu and Rosechu babies?! 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah! 
 '''Kacey:''' That’s so cute! 
 '''Chris:''' Sonichu and Rosechu have been married since March 17th 2006. 
 '''Kacey:''' [pause] Oh, oh, that’s quite, I didn’t know about that. Um…
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it’s a recent detail, I’ve recently had it, like yeah, it, ub uh, it’s a fact. You didn’t think they were just living together the whole time? [Kacey “Yeah, um…] Yeah, they’re basically, they’re basically, basically
 '''Kacey:''' [interrupting] Chris, Chris? Yeah, yeah, real quick, I hate to interrupt you but you’re going to wear your beautiful brown shirt tomorrow right? Cuz I mean that’s what I’ve seen you first in, you know it just makes so… [giggles] you know…
 '''Chris:''' I’m sorry, I didn’t quite understand it, uh, am I going to be wearing my what? 
 '''Kacey:''' Your brown shirt! You know…
 '''Chris:''' Oh… the brown shirt…
 '''Kacey:''' The first shirt I’ve seen you in! Our shirt! 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I. Uh. I’ll put on the brown shirt. 
 '''Kacey:''' [giggles] Oh…
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I’ll put on the brown shirt for you 
 '''Kacey:''' So… 
 '''Chris:''' …and I’ll be wearing my medallion…
 '''Kacey:''' Awesome! 
 '''Chris:''' …my original medallion, in all it’s wonderful clay goodness with the Shrinky Dinks in the back and the hand writing as well. 
 '''Kacey:''' WHAT? Oh Chris, you are such a kidder! [laughter] Ok, so, um…
 '''Chris:''' Yep, but, any, uh, anyup, uh, anyway, as if to let you know, ummmm… just to let you know about, well ah, what I wrote in there, ah, ina, in the, in the speech balloons, alright yeah, I just, two Rosees, the one that’s purple has the shiny Rosee, her name is Christine. 
 '''Kacey:''' Uh huh. 
 '''Chris:''' And the one with the mirror is Cerra with a C. 
 '''Kacey:''' Uh huh. 
 '''Chris:''' And we got, and then we got Robbie Sonnee. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh yeah, that’s cool, but um, I’m going to have to go to sleep if I wanna, you know, go to school and be able to drive tomorrow and everything. So, is there anything you want to tell me? Anything at all? Cuz you know I love how there’s no secrets between us. 
 '''Chris:''' Ah yes. Ok. Well, You know how I, how I contradicted the vest, I actually have a vest of my own. 
 '''Kacey:''' Oh I get it, you don’t want to wear so you’re not like the impostor. No, that’s cool. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you know I actually got it from a Goodwill like a bunch of my clothes I’ve gotten, but I cut, but it was like ah, it was like a denim jacket so I cut off the sleeves with a pair of, ah, cocktail super sheers. 
 '''Kacey:''' That’s cool, but, uh you, you’re doing the video for me too so I’ll be able to see when I wake up, right? Cuz, um, I really gotta go to sleep soon. 
 '''Chris:''' Uh, yeah, I’ll get to that. 
 '''Kacey:''' If not, you know I’d love to stay on the phone with you, but you know… [giggles]
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I understand, ok, I love talking to you. 
 '''Kacey:''' Ok, I love talking to you to, but wait, you have my video right? It’s coming right? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, video for the, uh, riga-, uh rigatoni…
 '''Kacey:''' Well that and the one about the impostor! 
 '''Chris:''' Ah the, oh yeah, the one about hating the impostor. 
 '''Kacey:''' Yeah. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, I am working on that. 
 '''Kacey:''' Ok, well I’m going to go ahead and go to sleep because I would not miss tomorrow for the world because it’s going to be much better to see each in real life, right? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you’ll get to see my father and my mother. 
 '''Kacey:''' I’m really more excited about seeing you. Even though I want to meet them but like I said, I’m coming for you. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you know, but just to let you know, my mom and my father will come and greet you first so, like, you know
 '''Kacey:''' That’s so awesome. 
 '''Chris:''' It’ll be a way for you to get to know him a little bit. 
 '''Kacey:''' Ok, well um, I tell you this tomorrow, we can discuss it tomorrow, but I really gotta go to bed. So, um, I’ll talk to you later, love you! 
 '''Chris:''' I, bye bye Kace! Take care! [kissing noise]

==External links==
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?zgfmopa0zmv67wh mp3 of phonecall]
{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Trolling]]
[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Father Call

2010-10-18T17:09:26Z

TheSwedishElf: In hindsight, I suppose it's obvious to anyone who isn't Chris.

[[Image:Matthew_Devoria.jpg|thumb|Artist's interpretation of Matthew Devoria.]]

Early in [[November 2009]], [[Chris|Solid Chris]] spent a little over two hours on the phone one night with '''Matthew Devoria''' (born 1957), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]]. Matthew is a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]], and a consummate badass with a really sexy voice.

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest content|honesty]], before going on to [[lie]] his ass off about any topic you care to mention.

Chris is even playing ''[[Wikipedia:Portal (video game)|Portal]]'' during the phone conversation: if you go to 01:22:21 (2:23 on YouTube video 9), you'll hear a turret saying "[[Target]] lost," seconds after Chris is told by Matthew that Kacey hasn't heard a word Chris has said. ''The irony is undeniable''. One could speculate that trolls were monitoring the call, and triggered the sound effect, as if to point out Chris's lack of attention. Some even speculate that Matthew is probably playing the game, as if to ignore the [[Autism|ignorance]] of our hero.

Their conversation is...illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matthew berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog|inability]] [[pokémon|to]] [[video games|grow]] [[sonichu|up]], [[chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[fat|rotund figure]], and for generally being a failure at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial chores]], mowing the lawn, which he uses a [[CWC Fighter|riding lawn mower]] to do, and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homo|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being confronted with the truth that he uses the [[trolls]] and his [[autism]] as a crutch, [[stress]] overcame him and Chris became increasingly more [[chris and anger|upset]]. In general, Chris's attitude and immaturity greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which didn't go so well...

==Transcript==
===Matthew makes the scene===
[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris, it's Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house cause, um, they wanted to call cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter...

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right, actually I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did 51 reps with, uh, 50 pound weights... not really weights, but...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause, reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times each arm so 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hm. Well, was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny cause I have to lift like... 100 or more pounds for my job but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Uh, okay, what's his name? ...Okay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry I didn't hear you, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Matthew? Okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' All right.

'''Kacey:''' All right well just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

[''Pause'']

'''Dad:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, s-good evening sir, how are you?

'''Dad:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm doing good.

'''Dad:''' Good, good... So, uh... So I've got a couple of questions for you... Well, more than a couple.

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an an-with an [[honest content|honest]] answer.

'''Dad:''' Okay, well uh, first and foremost, let's see...you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Not currently but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]], I have been filling out applications left and right.

'''Dad:''' Really, really, what kind of places? What kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, w-yeah, I'm looking a- I'm applying for like uh- retail stores and such, I've got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at [[Wal-Mart]], and had one over at [[Target]]...I have worked before, I've worked at [[Wendy's]] in Ruckersville for a few months... First off I worked off as a sales representative for [[Cutco]] cutlery.

'''Dad:''' Right, that's minimum wage stuff... Did you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

'''Dad:''' And you're working at...''Target''...I mean, I know the economy's bad but I mean... surely you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? ...How old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27... sir.

'''Dad:''' You're almost ''thirty'' and you're working at, uh...''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hm... yeah well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh... degree and certificate would get me but I mean like, you know... but I mean, if I-if I did know then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

'''Dad:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get... in that field and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Uh...I graduated in 2006.

'''Dad:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it... Hm, you haven't had any jobs between then?

===Pokémon volunteer and Chris's home===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had-I did-I have done volunteer work... uh...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Dad:''' What kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' All right, yeah, well, I have the-I helped the children over at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Citizens Gym League]] for the [[Pokémon]] Trading Card Game league a few years back...

'''Dad:''' ''Pokémon''? Wait, wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, build decks from what scraps they had, make sure they kept in order, don't get too crazy...

'''Dad:''' And...how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Dad:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that Pokémon thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' That was the late 90s.

'''Dad:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' And-um-that's still going strong. Maybe I-

'''Dad:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...And I have been doing that from 1998 till about 2008. So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Dad:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' ...Yeah but also like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Dad:''' Babysitting...but doesn't babysitting usually you know, pay? And I mean, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people, planting trees, that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah well, I have-I have been-I have helped people out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure children were playing and were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Dad:''' And...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore?

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, I was kinda like, uh, you know, uh, not so good at showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but you know we gotta move on. But anyway, aside from that I...I've been searching and, uh, doing yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

'''Dad:''' Right, right...Well anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, Pok-e-man now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|2-story house]] with my [[mother]] and my [[father]].

'''Dad:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] Almost 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but its like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the uh, for a while.

'''Dad:''' And uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Dad:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20... I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Dad:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask though...I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:'''Yes, yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my-of the house.

'''Dad:''' ...with her help?

'''Chris:''' ...and get a place of my own...

'''Dad:''' You need her help to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like you know...um...some details I'm not understand...I talk to my parents sometimes about that but it's like, uh, you know...uh...I...it's like a...whole bunch of details...you know...yeah.

'''Dad:''' EXPLAIN, PLEASE. I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need external influence, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Dad:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, just go to any college board.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

'''Dad:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know.

'''Dad:''' So, really, if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial situation and Crystal the tard-baby===
'''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself.

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Dad:''' Okay, then why aren't you? Where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]].

'''Dad:''' Do you now.

'''Chris:''' I get, yeah, I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Dad:''' So why do you get welfare? Might I ask? Or whatever you call it.

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of me moving out and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel that I could, I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Dad:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Dad:''' Are you now.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Dad:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Dad:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Dad:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Dad:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar...I can promise you that.

'''Dad:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

'''Dad:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [In a relatively quiet sigh] Great.

'''Kacey:'''Anything else, dad?

'''Dad:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go...what were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes, I'll be right back, dad.

'''Dad:''' I think there's some cake down there, too, go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, dad.

'''Dad:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see...if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

'''Dad:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Dad:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?

'''Dad:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Texas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Dad:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic dreams and Bob Chandler===
'''Dad:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

'''Dad:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Dad:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Dad:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Dad:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Dad:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Dad:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Dad:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]...

'''Dad:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Dad:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to [[Masturbate|create]] with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, [[Sex toys|anything]] I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Dad:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Dad:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Dad:''' But...you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. I mean, that's not good, son. When I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Dad:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

'''Dad:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.
===Kacey's boobs and Internet fame===
'''Dad:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Dad:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Dad:''' ''[laughs]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm-[[Ego|she could be smarter than me on some things]].

'''Dad:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Dad:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently [[Kacey Phone Call|when you first talked to her, you actually were pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, [[Liquid Chris|that other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Dad:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend Kim, she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Dad:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Dad:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Dad:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Dad:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Dad:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

'''Dad:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together... making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah...

'''Dad:''' Don’t you... don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about... I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish... yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls... and, uh... and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh...

'''Dad:''' This... okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just... this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===Twin Falling Towers and getting fired===
'''Dad:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... okay... you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam... that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Dad:''' But... and then what- and then YOU, you made this... Son-ni-chu thing. I mean... it’s like... ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing... that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um... you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah... 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean... that kinda hits... that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have... I put that...

'''Dad:'''You’re lucky I don’t... you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my... I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother... y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um... I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is [[Gregg Mays]], and...

'''Dad:''' You made a video...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had...

'''Dad:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some... GUY... on the Internet... that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm... yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to... you know... y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name... And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off...

'''Dad:''' Okay, let me ask you... let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I... [trails off with a faint groan] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Dad:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Dad:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [Pause] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Dad:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' ...That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That... are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:'''No, no I'm not changing-

'''Dad:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Dad:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

'''Dad:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Dad:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

'''Dad:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Dad:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

'''Dad:''' Why do you sigh so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

'''Dad:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity, and chores===
'''Dad:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Dad:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have moved on from Pokémon years ago! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Dad:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

'''Dad:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Dad:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

'''Dad:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Dad:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Dad:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Dad:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

'''Dad:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

'''Dad:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' [[Pokéwalker of Fail|I have not played with Pokémon for years]], sir!

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Dad:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some Guitar Hero.

'''Dad:''' [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Dad:''' You have to stand up to play ''gitar''! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Dad:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Dad:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Dad:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups you did]], whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a.... fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Dad:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Dad:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point'']Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and fake Internet women===
'''Dad:''' [''Matt is about to break down laughing.''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

'''Dad:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

'''Dad:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Dad:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Dad:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Dad:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Dad:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Dad:''' And that's just, that's just that...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Dad:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

'''Dad:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

'''Dad:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

'''Dad:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Dad:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Dad:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I...[''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Dad:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Dad:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Dad:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''He's snapping.''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

===The maggot manchild and shit starts to hit the fan===
'''Dad:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Dad:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. I am a STRONG MAN. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Dad:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Dad:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts.''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Dad:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Dad:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Dad:''' Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Dad:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]]. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Dad:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Dad:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Dad:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Dad:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

'''Dad:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden? That was a heavy burden?

'''Dad:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Dad:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

'''Dad:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...

===Kacey returns===
'''Dad:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

'''Dad:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Dad:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Dad:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Dad:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Dad:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''He's still combative.''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Dad:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''another sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Dad:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Dad:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Dad:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Dad:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']
===Literature and health===
'''Dad:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Dad:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Dad:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Dad:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Dad:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Dad:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I... have... learned... that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lenny throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Dad:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Dad:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Dad:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Dad:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I... I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Dad:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed''] Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! sI tuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Dad:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Dad:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Dad:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Dad:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Dad:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Dad:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

[[Image:208x228 Advice-CWC-I-JOG-FIVE-MILES-A-DAY.jpg|thumb|Yep!]]

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Dad:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

'''Dad:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after... that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Dad:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Dad:''' I'm a Marine. Not after... a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but... how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe... maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Dad:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Dad:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't... you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Dad:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Dad:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Dad:''' Don't...[''sputters'']... don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Dad:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Dad:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Dad:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like... half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, so a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Dad:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Dad:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? The strong man outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...
===Liquid Chris and minimum wage jobs===
'''Dad:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have... you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Dad:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]!

'''Dad:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

'''Dad:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Dad:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Dad:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Dad:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Dad:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Dad:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Dad:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Dad:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Dad:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Dad:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Dad:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Dad:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Dad:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Dad:''' What's this he's talking about... minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Dad:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

'''Dad:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Dad:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.
===Respect and listening skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Dad:''' He's always been... he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Dad:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Dad:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Dad:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

'''Dad:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Dad:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Dad:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Dad:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Dad:''' This is... this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Dad:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W... well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Dad:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you... you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Dad:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send... I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Dad:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's pathetic life and diseased ticker===
'''Dad:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Dad:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokemon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Dad:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Dad:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Dad:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Dad:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Dad:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

'''Dad:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Dad:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Dad:''' O... kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

'''Dad:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Dad:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Dad:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's... that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Dad:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Dad:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Dad:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Dad:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Dad:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Dad:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]] a couple of months ago.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long... do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Dad:''' And play... okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Dad:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Dad:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Dad:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Dad:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Dad:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Dad:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Dad:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

'''Dad:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Dad:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Dad:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Dad:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Dad:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Dad:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']
===Chris blows it, but he's an American!===
'''Dad:''' She was pretty, ah...let's say you just blew it, man. She was, she was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Dad:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Dad:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Dad:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about, yes you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Dad:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response, that's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel, I just feel very sad for her.

'''Dad:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about, you should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Dad:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, REALLY turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, 50 pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, MAYBE.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Dad:''' And I think she should be with [[Liquid Chris|her real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like... a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly... as a friend... a true friend, a good friend...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

'''Dad:''' I do know. Because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well... points of view.

'''Dad:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. Belieeeeeeeeve me.

'''Dad:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Dad:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I... am an [[American]]! I am proud to be an American and [[I am STRONG]]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Dad:''' Don't tell, don't tell me you're an American.

[Portal can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Dad:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic...if you were patriotic you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, [[Twin Falling Towers|that 9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't... do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I, at least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am, I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video, and making the apology.

'''Dad:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Chris's love and memory===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Dad:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Dad:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Dad:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't... that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Dad:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Dad:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...you'd probably cry, for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Dad:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Dad:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Dad:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Dad:''' Turquoise? That's... that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Dad:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Dad:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Dad:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Dad:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Dad:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Dad:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Dad:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ... no, okay, her grandmother, who is...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Dad:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Matthew crosses the line and Chris's reaction time===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Dad:''' A preschooler. God. This is... man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... [[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

'''Dad:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' A line. You crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Dad:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Dad:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Dad:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Dad:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Dad:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you... I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Dad:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Dad:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spellcheck, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Dad:''' Making... mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Dad:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Dad:''' Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't [[naïve]]? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Dad:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[anger]].

'''Dad:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Dad:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Dad:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli... what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Dad:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Dad:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Dad:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Dad:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Dad:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Dad:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I, it was not a retard, no. It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to find a school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not...

'''Dad:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Dad:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Dad:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has don nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Dad:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Dad:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Dad:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Dad:''' And you... and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Dad:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Dad:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Dad:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Dad:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is creepy and bad at dating===
'''Dad:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Dad:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Dad:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Dad:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Dad:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Dad:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Dad:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Dad:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Dad:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Dad:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy....shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Dad:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Dad:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Hambeast|Only one]].

'''Dad:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Dad:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Dad:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Dad:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Dad:''' You can't think of... I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean... I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Dad:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Dad:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' That's... $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And [[Kim]] was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Dad:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Dad:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Dad:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15% or 20%.

'''Dad:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Dad:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm... let's see... that would be about $12.

'''Dad:''' So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Dad:''' You could at least... they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well... good for them.

'''Dad:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Dad:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Dad:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Dad:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Dad:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Dad:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Dad:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Dad:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===Endgame===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, [[Mr. Devoria]], and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Dad:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Dad:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's... that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Dad:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Dad:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|You know that song, that "Whole New World," from that Disney movie]]? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Dad:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Dad:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Dad:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Dad:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Dad:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Dad:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Dad:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together.

'''Kacey:''' [''Bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?! You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''Heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. You can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the Hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So you know what? I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the two hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven two hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean... yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then... and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough. Because you haven't done anything like that. You've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, three songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing for me. Come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the [[STRESS]]. I can't do this. I want a real man.

'''Kacey:''' [''Silence again''] You can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Dad:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you've done, Chris. Look what you've done!

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Dad:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Dad:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' [''Silence reigns''] I would like to say...good evening.

'''Dad:''' So...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=Kacey Phone Calls|prevlink=[[Kacey Phone Call]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Y1N7JXQ3 mp3 of phonecall]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SKLGsJC6R0 the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]

Father Call

2010-10-18T17:07:49Z

TheSwedishElf:

[[Image:Matthew_Devoria.jpg|thumb|Artist's interpretation of Matthew Devoria.]]

Early in [[November 2009]], [[Chris|Solid Chris]] spent a little over two hours on the phone one night with '''Matthew Devoria''' (born 1957), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]]. Matthew is a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]], and a consummate badass with a really sexy voice.

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest content|honesty]], before going on to [[lie]] his ass off about any topic you care to mention.

Chris is even playing ''[[Wikipedia:Portal (video game)|Portal]]'' during the phone conversation: if you go to 01:22:21 (2:23 on YouTube video 9), you'll hear a turret saying "[[Target]] lost," seconds after Chris is told by Matthew that Kacey hasn't heard a word Chris has said. ''The irony is undeniable''. One could speculate that trolls were monitoring the call, and triggered the sound effect, as if to point out Chris's lack of attention. Some even speculate that Matthew is probably playing the game, as if to ignore the [[Autism|ignorance]] of our hero.

Their conversation is...illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matthew berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog|inability]] [[pokémon|to]] [[video games|grow]] [[sonichu|up]], [[chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[fat|rotund figure]], and for generally being a failure at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial chores]], mowing the lawn, which he uses a [[CWC Fighter|riding lawn mower]] to do, and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homo|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being confronted with the truth that he uses the [[trolls]] and his [[autism]] as a crutch, [[stress]] overcame him and Chris became increasingly more [[chris and anger|upset]]. In general, Chris's attitude and immaturity greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which didn't go so well...

Judging by how Matthew's voice sounds, the general manner in which he talks, the occassional giggles, and the way he deliberately pronounces "Pokémon" mockingly as "Pokeyman", it's very obvious that he's actually a younger man playing a fictional war hero set up to give Chris the greatest verbal beatdown possible. This once again shows off Chris' infinite gullibility, as he buys it hook, line and sinker.

==Transcript==
===Matthew makes the scene===
[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris, it's Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house cause, um, they wanted to call cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter...

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right, actually I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did 51 reps with, uh, 50 pound weights... not really weights, but...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause, reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times each arm so 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hm. Well, was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny cause I have to lift like... 100 or more pounds for my job but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Uh, okay, what's his name? ...Okay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry I didn't hear you, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Matthew? Okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' All right.

'''Kacey:''' All right well just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

[''Pause'']

'''Dad:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, s-good evening sir, how are you?

'''Dad:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm doing good.

'''Dad:''' Good, good... So, uh... So I've got a couple of questions for you... Well, more than a couple.

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an an-with an [[honest content|honest]] answer.

'''Dad:''' Okay, well uh, first and foremost, let's see...you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Not currently but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]], I have been filling out applications left and right.

'''Dad:''' Really, really, what kind of places? What kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, w-yeah, I'm looking a- I'm applying for like uh- retail stores and such, I've got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at [[Wal-Mart]], and had one over at [[Target]]...I have worked before, I've worked at [[Wendy's]] in Ruckersville for a few months... First off I worked off as a sales representative for [[Cutco]] cutlery.

'''Dad:''' Right, that's minimum wage stuff... Did you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

'''Dad:''' And you're working at...''Target''...I mean, I know the economy's bad but I mean... surely you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? ...How old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27... sir.

'''Dad:''' You're almost ''thirty'' and you're working at, uh...''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hm... yeah well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh... degree and certificate would get me but I mean like, you know... but I mean, if I-if I did know then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

'''Dad:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get... in that field and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Uh...I graduated in 2006.

'''Dad:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it... Hm, you haven't had any jobs between then?

===Pokémon volunteer and Chris's home===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had-I did-I have done volunteer work... uh...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Dad:''' What kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' All right, yeah, well, I have the-I helped the children over at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Citizens Gym League]] for the [[Pokémon]] Trading Card Game league a few years back...

'''Dad:''' ''Pokémon''? Wait, wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, build decks from what scraps they had, make sure they kept in order, don't get too crazy...

'''Dad:''' And...how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Dad:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that Pokémon thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' That was the late 90s.

'''Dad:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' And-um-that's still going strong. Maybe I-

'''Dad:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...And I have been doing that from 1998 till about 2008. So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Dad:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' ...Yeah but also like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Dad:''' Babysitting...but doesn't babysitting usually you know, pay? And I mean, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people, planting trees, that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah well, I have-I have been-I have helped people out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure children were playing and were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Dad:''' And...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore?

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, I was kinda like, uh, you know, uh, not so good at showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but you know we gotta move on. But anyway, aside from that I...I've been searching and, uh, doing yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

'''Dad:''' Right, right...Well anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, Pok-e-man now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|2-story house]] with my [[mother]] and my [[father]].

'''Dad:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] Almost 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but its like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the uh, for a while.

'''Dad:''' And uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Dad:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20... I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Dad:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask though...I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:'''Yes, yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my-of the house.

'''Dad:''' ...with her help?

'''Chris:''' ...and get a place of my own...

'''Dad:''' You need her help to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like you know...um...some details I'm not understand...I talk to my parents sometimes about that but it's like, uh, you know...uh...I...it's like a...whole bunch of details...you know...yeah.

'''Dad:''' EXPLAIN, PLEASE. I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need external influence, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Dad:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, just go to any college board.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

'''Dad:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know.

'''Dad:''' So, really, if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial situation and Crystal the tard-baby===
'''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself.

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Dad:''' Okay, then why aren't you? Where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]].

'''Dad:''' Do you now.

'''Chris:''' I get, yeah, I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Dad:''' So why do you get welfare? Might I ask? Or whatever you call it.

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of me moving out and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel that I could, I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Dad:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Dad:''' Are you now.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Dad:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Dad:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Dad:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Dad:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar...I can promise you that.

'''Dad:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

'''Dad:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [In a relatively quiet sigh] Great.

'''Kacey:'''Anything else, dad?

'''Dad:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go...what were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes, I'll be right back, dad.

'''Dad:''' I think there's some cake down there, too, go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, dad.

'''Dad:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see...if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

'''Dad:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Dad:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?

'''Dad:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Texas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Dad:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic dreams and Bob Chandler===
'''Dad:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

'''Dad:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Dad:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Dad:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Dad:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Dad:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Dad:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Dad:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]...

'''Dad:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Dad:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to [[Masturbate|create]] with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, [[Sex toys|anything]] I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Dad:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Dad:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Dad:''' But...you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. I mean, that's not good, son. When I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Dad:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

'''Dad:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.
===Kacey's boobs and Internet fame===
'''Dad:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Dad:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Dad:''' ''[laughs]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm-[[Ego|she could be smarter than me on some things]].

'''Dad:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Dad:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently [[Kacey Phone Call|when you first talked to her, you actually were pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, [[Liquid Chris|that other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Dad:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend Kim, she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Dad:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Dad:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Dad:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Dad:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Dad:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

'''Dad:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together... making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah...

'''Dad:''' Don’t you... don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about... I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish... yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls... and, uh... and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh...

'''Dad:''' This... okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just... this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===Twin Falling Towers and getting fired===
'''Dad:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... okay... you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam... that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Dad:''' But... and then what- and then YOU, you made this... Son-ni-chu thing. I mean... it’s like... ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing... that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um... you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah... 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean... that kinda hits... that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have... I put that...

'''Dad:'''You’re lucky I don’t... you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my... I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother... y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um... I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is [[Gregg Mays]], and...

'''Dad:''' You made a video...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had...

'''Dad:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some... GUY... on the Internet... that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm... yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to... you know... y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name... And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off...

'''Dad:''' Okay, let me ask you... let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I... [trails off with a faint groan] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Dad:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Dad:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [Pause] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Dad:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' ...That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That... are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:'''No, no I'm not changing-

'''Dad:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Dad:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

'''Dad:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Dad:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

'''Dad:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Dad:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

'''Dad:''' Why do you sigh so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

'''Dad:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity, and chores===
'''Dad:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Dad:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have moved on from Pokémon years ago! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Dad:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

'''Dad:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Dad:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

'''Dad:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Dad:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Dad:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Dad:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

'''Dad:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

'''Dad:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' [[Pokéwalker of Fail|I have not played with Pokémon for years]], sir!

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Dad:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some Guitar Hero.

'''Dad:''' [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Dad:''' You have to stand up to play ''gitar''! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Dad:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Dad:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Dad:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups you did]], whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a.... fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Dad:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Dad:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point'']Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and fake Internet women===
'''Dad:''' [''Matt is about to break down laughing.''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

'''Dad:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

'''Dad:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Dad:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Dad:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Dad:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Dad:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Dad:''' And that's just, that's just that...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Dad:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

'''Dad:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

'''Dad:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

'''Dad:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Dad:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Dad:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I...[''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Dad:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Dad:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Dad:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''He's snapping.''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

===The maggot manchild and shit starts to hit the fan===
'''Dad:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Dad:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. I am a STRONG MAN. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Dad:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Dad:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts.''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Dad:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Dad:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Dad:''' Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Dad:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]]. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Dad:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Dad:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Dad:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Dad:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

'''Dad:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden? That was a heavy burden?

'''Dad:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Dad:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

'''Dad:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...

===Kacey returns===
'''Dad:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

'''Dad:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Dad:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Dad:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Dad:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Dad:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''He's still combative.''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Dad:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''another sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Dad:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Dad:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Dad:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Dad:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']
===Literature and health===
'''Dad:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Dad:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Dad:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Dad:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Dad:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Dad:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I... have... learned... that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lenny throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Dad:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Dad:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Dad:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Dad:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I... I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Dad:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed''] Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! sI tuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Dad:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Dad:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Dad:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Dad:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Dad:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Dad:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

[[Image:208x228 Advice-CWC-I-JOG-FIVE-MILES-A-DAY.jpg|thumb|Yep!]]

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Dad:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

'''Dad:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after... that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Dad:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Dad:''' I'm a Marine. Not after... a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but... how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe... maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Dad:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Dad:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't... you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Dad:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Dad:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Dad:''' Don't...[''sputters'']... don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Dad:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Dad:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Dad:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like... half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, so a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Dad:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Dad:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? The strong man outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...
===Liquid Chris and minimum wage jobs===
'''Dad:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have... you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Dad:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]!

'''Dad:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

'''Dad:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Dad:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Dad:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Dad:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Dad:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Dad:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Dad:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Dad:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Dad:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Dad:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Dad:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Dad:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Dad:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Dad:''' What's this he's talking about... minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Dad:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

'''Dad:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Dad:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.
===Respect and listening skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Dad:''' He's always been... he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Dad:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Dad:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Dad:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

'''Dad:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Dad:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Dad:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Dad:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Dad:''' This is... this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Dad:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W... well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Dad:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you... you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Dad:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send... I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Dad:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's pathetic life and diseased ticker===
'''Dad:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Dad:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokemon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Dad:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Dad:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Dad:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Dad:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Dad:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

'''Dad:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Dad:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Dad:''' O... kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

'''Dad:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Dad:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Dad:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's... that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Dad:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Dad:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Dad:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Dad:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Dad:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Dad:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]] a couple of months ago.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long... do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Dad:''' And play... okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Dad:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Dad:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Dad:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Dad:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Dad:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Dad:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Dad:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

'''Dad:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Dad:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Dad:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Dad:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Dad:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Dad:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']
===Chris blows it, but he's an American!===
'''Dad:''' She was pretty, ah...let's say you just blew it, man. She was, she was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Dad:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Dad:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Dad:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about, yes you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Dad:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response, that's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel, I just feel very sad for her.

'''Dad:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about, you should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Dad:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, REALLY turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, 50 pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, MAYBE.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Dad:''' And I think she should be with [[Liquid Chris|her real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like... a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly... as a friend... a true friend, a good friend...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

'''Dad:''' I do know. Because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well... points of view.

'''Dad:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. Belieeeeeeeeve me.

'''Dad:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Dad:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I... am an [[American]]! I am proud to be an American and [[I am STRONG]]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Dad:''' Don't tell, don't tell me you're an American.

[Portal can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Dad:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic...if you were patriotic you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, [[Twin Falling Towers|that 9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't... do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I, at least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am, I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video, and making the apology.

'''Dad:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Chris's love and memory===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Dad:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Dad:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Dad:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't... that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Dad:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Dad:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...you'd probably cry, for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Dad:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Dad:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Dad:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Dad:''' Turquoise? That's... that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Dad:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Dad:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Dad:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Dad:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Dad:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Dad:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Dad:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ... no, okay, her grandmother, who is...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Dad:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Matthew crosses the line and Chris's reaction time===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Dad:''' A preschooler. God. This is... man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... [[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

'''Dad:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' A line. You crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Dad:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Dad:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Dad:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Dad:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Dad:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you... I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Dad:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Dad:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spellcheck, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Dad:''' Making... mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Dad:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Dad:''' Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't [[naïve]]? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Dad:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[anger]].

'''Dad:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Dad:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Dad:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli... what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Dad:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Dad:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Dad:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Dad:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Dad:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Dad:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I, it was not a retard, no. It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to find a school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not...

'''Dad:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Dad:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Dad:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has don nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Dad:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Dad:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Dad:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Dad:''' And you... and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Dad:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Dad:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Dad:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Dad:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is creepy and bad at dating===
'''Dad:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Dad:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Dad:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Dad:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Dad:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Dad:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Dad:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Dad:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Dad:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Dad:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy....shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Dad:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Dad:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Hambeast|Only one]].

'''Dad:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Dad:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Dad:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Dad:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Dad:''' You can't think of... I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean... I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Dad:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Dad:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' That's... $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And [[Kim]] was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Dad:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Dad:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Dad:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15% or 20%.

'''Dad:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Dad:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm... let's see... that would be about $12.

'''Dad:''' So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Dad:''' You could at least... they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well... good for them.

'''Dad:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Dad:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Dad:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Dad:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Dad:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Dad:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Dad:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Dad:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===Endgame===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, [[Mr. Devoria]], and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Dad:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Dad:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's... that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Dad:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Dad:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|You know that song, that "Whole New World," from that Disney movie]]? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Dad:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Dad:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Dad:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Dad:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Dad:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Dad:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Dad:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together.

'''Kacey:''' [''Bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?! You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''Heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. You can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the Hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So you know what? I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the two hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven two hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean... yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then... and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough. Because you haven't done anything like that. You've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, three songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing for me. Come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the [[STRESS]]. I can't do this. I want a real man.

'''Kacey:''' [''Silence again''] You can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Dad:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you've done, Chris. Look what you've done!

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Dad:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Dad:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' [''Silence reigns''] I would like to say...good evening.

'''Dad:''' So...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=Kacey Phone Calls|prevlink=[[Kacey Phone Call]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Y1N7JXQ3 mp3 of phonecall]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SKLGsJC6R0 the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]

Father Call

2010-10-18T17:06:30Z

TheSwedishElf:

Father Call

2010-10-18T16:47:58Z

TheSwedishElf:

[[Image:Matthew_Devoria.jpg|thumb|Artist's interpretation of Matthew Devoria.]]

Early in [[November 2009]], [[Chris|Solid Chris]] spent a little over two hours on the phone one night with '''Matthew Devoria''' (born 1957), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]]. Matthew is a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]], and a consummate badass with a really sexy voice.

Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the father of a heartsweet by boasting of his now legendary [[honest content|honesty]], before going on to [[lie]] his ass off about any topic you care to mention.

Chris is even playing ''[[Wikipedia:Portal (video game)|Portal]]'' during the phone conversation: if you go to 01:22:21 (2:23 on YouTube video 9), you'll hear a turret saying "[[Target]] lost," seconds after Chris is told by Matthew that Kacey hasn't heard a word Chris has said. ''The irony is undeniable''. One could speculate that trolls were monitoring the call, and triggered the sound effect, as if to point out Chris's lack of attention. Some even speculate that Matthew is probably playing the game, as if to ignore the [[Autism|ignorance]] of our hero.

Their conversation is...illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matthew berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog|inability]] [[pokémon|to]] [[video games|grow]] [[sonichu|up]], [[chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[fat|rotund figure]], and for generally being a failure at life. It is unlikely that Chris will take any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart, as he retorts by saying that he leads a [[lie|hard life]], which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial chores]], mowing the lawn, which he uses a [[CWC Fighter|riding lawn mower]] to do, and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homo|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being confronted with the truth that he uses the [[trolls]] and his [[autism]] as a crutch, [[stress]] overcame him and Chris became increasingly more [[chris and anger|upset]]. In general, Chris's attitude and immaturity greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[CChanSonichuCWC|Liquid]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which didn't go so well...

Judging by how Matthew's voice sounds, the general manner in which he talks, the occassional giggles, and the way he deliberately pronounces "Pokémon" mockingly as "Pokeyman", some listeners have theorized that he may actually be a younger man playing a fictional war hero set up to give Chris the greatest verbal beatdown possible. If this is the case, this once again shows off Chris' infinite gullibility, as he buys it hook, line and sinker.

==Transcript==
===Matthew makes the scene===
[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

'''Kacey:''' Hey Chris, it's Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Hi Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house cause, um, they wanted to call cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter...

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right, actually I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did 51 reps with, uh, 50 pound weights... not really weights, but...

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause, reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times each arm so 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hm. Well, was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny cause I have to lift like... 100 or more pounds for my job but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Uh, okay, what's his name? ...Okay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry I didn't hear you, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Matthew? Okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah.

'''Chris:''' All right.

'''Kacey:''' All right well just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

[''Pause'']

'''Dad:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, s-good evening sir, how are you?

'''Dad:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm doing good.

'''Dad:''' Good, good... So, uh... So I've got a couple of questions for you... Well, more than a couple.

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an an-with an [[honest content|honest]] answer.

'''Dad:''' Okay, well uh, first and foremost, let's see...you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Not currently but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]], I have been filling out applications left and right.

'''Dad:''' Really, really, what kind of places? What kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, w-yeah, I'm looking a- I'm applying for like uh- retail stores and such, I've got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at [[Wal-Mart]], and had one over at [[Target]]...I have worked before, I've worked at [[Wendy's]] in Ruckersville for a few months... First off I worked off as a sales representative for [[Cutco]] cutlery.

'''Dad:''' Right, that's minimum wage stuff... Did you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Graphic and Design]].

'''Dad:''' And you're working at...''Target''...I mean, I know the economy's bad but I mean... surely you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? ...How old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27... sir.

'''Dad:''' You're almost ''thirty'' and you're working at, uh...''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hm... yeah well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh... degree and certificate would get me but I mean like, you know... but I mean, if I-if I did know then I'd certainly strike up on the job...

'''Dad:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get... in that field and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Uh...I graduated in 2006.

'''Dad:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it... Hm, you haven't had any jobs between then?

===Pokémon volunteer and Chris's home===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had-I did-I have done volunteer work... uh...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Dad:''' What kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' All right, yeah, well, I have the-I helped the children over at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Citizens Gym League]] for the [[Pokémon]] Trading Card Game league a few years back...

'''Dad:''' ''Pokémon''? Wait, wait, that...

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, build decks from what scraps they had, make sure they kept in order, don't get too crazy...

'''Dad:''' And...how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Dad:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that Pokémon thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' That was the late 90s.

'''Dad:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' And-um-that's still going strong. Maybe I-

'''Dad:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' ...And I have been doing that from 1998 till about 2008. So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Dad:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' ...Yeah but also like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Dad:''' Babysitting...but doesn't babysitting usually you know, pay? And I mean, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and really helping people, planting trees, that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah well, I have-I have been-I have helped people out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind...knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure children were playing and were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Dad:''' And...but...are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore?

'''Chris:''' Ummm...yeah, I was kinda like, uh, you know, uh, not so good at showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but you know we gotta move on. But anyway, aside from that I...I've been searching and, uh, doing yardwork for my family and other sorts of...heavy lifting.

'''Dad:''' Right, right...Well anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, Pok-e-man now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|2-story house]] with my [[mother]] and my [[father]].

'''Dad:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] Almost 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but its like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the uh, for a while.

'''Dad:''' And uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Dad:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20... I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah...yeah. But, you know, to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Dad:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask though...I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:'''Yes, yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Okay so...uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my-of the house.

'''Dad:''' ...with her help?

'''Chris:''' ...and get a place of my own...

'''Dad:''' You need her help to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like you know...um...some details I'm not understand...I talk to my parents sometimes about that but it's like, uh, you know...uh...I...it's like a...whole bunch of details...you know...yeah.

'''Dad:''' EXPLAIN, PLEASE. I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need external influence, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Dad:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, just go to any college board.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...but still, I mean, that's not...

'''Dad:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know.

'''Dad:''' So, really, if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial situation and Crystal the tard-baby===
'''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Dad:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself.

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Dad:''' Okay, then why aren't you? Where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]].

'''Dad:''' Do you now.

'''Chris:''' I get, yeah, I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Dad:''' So why do you get welfare? Might I ask? Or whatever you call it.

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of me moving out and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel that I could, I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Dad:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Dad:''' Are you now.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Dad:''' So, ah...isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Dad:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Dad:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Dad:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar...I can promise you that.

'''Dad:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also...

'''Dad:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [In a relatively quiet sigh] Great.

'''Kacey:'''Anything else, dad?

'''Dad:''' Ah...no, I think that's good, yeah, you go...what were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes, I'll be right back, dad.

'''Dad:''' I think there's some cake down there, too, go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, dad.

'''Dad:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see...if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

'''Dad:''' A dream...as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Dad:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, Cri-STAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne...

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be Cri-STAL, it would be Cri-STUL. Does that make sense?

'''Dad:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-I-S-T-L-E, you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, but even so...you said this all came to you in a dream...dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Texas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Dad:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic dreams and Bob Chandler===
'''Dad:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in...

'''Dad:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Dad:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Dad:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or...and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Dad:''' Naaaah... if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Dad:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Dad:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from god, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Dad:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]...

'''Dad:''' And you hold onto this dream...I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know...time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Dad:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to [[Masturbate|create]] with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, [[Sex toys|anything]] I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Dad:''' So...why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Dad:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father...but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Dad:''' But...you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. I mean, that's not good, son. When I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm...umm...yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Dad:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand...talking about...and, you know, and your point.

'''Dad:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.
===Kacey's boobs and Internet fame===
'''Dad:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Dad:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Dad:''' ''[laughs]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm-[[Ego|she could be smarter than me on some things]].

'''Dad:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny...

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Dad:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little..."encounter," we'll call it...she said she was a little bit...uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently [[Kacey Phone Call|when you first talked to her, you actually were pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, [[Liquid Chris|that other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Dad:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend Kim, she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Dad:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now...he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Dad:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh...it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books...I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Dad:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so...you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things...

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Dad:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for...what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Dad:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh...

'''Dad:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together... making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah...

'''Dad:''' Don’t you... don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about... I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish... yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls... and, uh... and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh...

'''Dad:''' This... okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just... this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===Twin Falling Towers and getting fired===
'''Dad:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... okay... you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam... that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Dad:''' But... and then what- and then YOU, you made this... Son-ni-chu thing. I mean... it’s like... ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing... that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um... you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah... 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean... that kinda hits... that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have... I put that...

'''Dad:'''You’re lucky I don’t... you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my... I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother... y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um... I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is [[Gregg Mays]], and...

'''Dad:''' You made a video...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had...

'''Dad:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some... GUY... on the Internet... that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm... yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to... you know... y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name... And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off...

'''Dad:''' Okay, let me ask you... let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah... I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I... [trails off with a faint groan] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Dad:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Dad:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [Pause] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Dad:''' ...Uh-huh. Really. That’s...

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' ...That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That... are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:'''No, no I'm not changing-

'''Dad:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down...

'''Dad:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me...

'''Dad:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Dad:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my...

'''Dad:''' That's...this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Dad:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something...

'''Dad:''' Why do you sigh so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me...

'''Dad:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity, and chores===
'''Dad:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little...your voice is all wavery...good lord. You want to date...YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Dad:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have moved on from Pokémon years ago! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Dad:''' No, you didn't move from...you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of...enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine...

'''Dad:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is...

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Dad:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like...

'''Dad:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like...

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Dad:''' ...until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back...

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Dad:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Dad:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay...I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her...a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]...

'''Dad:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG...good natured...

'''Dad:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' [[Pokéwalker of Fail|I have not played with Pokémon for years]], sir!

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Dad:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some Guitar Hero.

'''Dad:''' [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Dad:''' You have to stand up to play ''gitar''! Oh, wow! That's...why don't you...that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Dad:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Dad:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know...what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Dad:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups you did]], whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a.... fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Dad:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Dad:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point'']Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and fake Internet women===
'''Dad:''' [''Matt is about to break down laughing.''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had...I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to...fucking...a plane by fucking...piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my...

'''Dad:''' And your...but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing... that's nothing...

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you...

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very...

'''Dad:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? Are you calling my mother a dog?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Dad:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Dad:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Dad:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Dad:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Dad:''' And that's just, that's just that...you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Dad:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women...

'''Dad:''' BE A MAN...

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that...

'''Dad:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I...I may not admit, okay, well, yes...

'''Dad:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake...fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't...no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Dad:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Dad:''' So you went to go to...Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I...[''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Dad:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in...

'''Dad:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Dad:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''He's snapping.''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

===The maggot manchild and shit starts to hit the fan===
'''Dad:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Dad:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. I am a STRONG MAN. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Dad:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Dad:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot...

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts.''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Dad:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of...

'''Dad:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Dad:''' Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to... [''stress sigh''] ...heavy weights! I mean...

'''Dad:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]]. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Dad:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Dad:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate...

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing...

'''Dad:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Dad:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I...oh! And you don't think...!

'''Dad:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden? That was a heavy burden?

'''Dad:''' What...what the fu...are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Dad:''' Is this...are you comparing...

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under...

'''Dad:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life...

===Kacey returns===
'''Dad:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

'''Dad:''' What is...I mean...this guy is just fucking with me...

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Dad:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful...

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Dad:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Dad:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like...of course, you remember when we lost grandma...

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it...

'''Dad:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''He's still combative.''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Dad:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''another sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Dad:''' I already don't like...

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah...

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well...yeah...

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah... [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm...I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Dad:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Dad:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well...believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Dad:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You...are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']
===Literature and health===
'''Dad:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch...yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Dad:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read... was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Dad:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it...

'''Dad:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Dad:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Dad:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I... have... learned... that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lenny throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's...

'''Dad:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Dad:''' Yeeeaaaaah... did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is... just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Dad:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus... hm... Atticus... hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Dad:''' Yesss... man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I... I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Dad:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Dad:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed''] Stuff... candy... don't... I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! sI tuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Dad:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell...

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Dad:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I...

'''Dad:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Dad:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Dad:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Dad:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

[[Image:208x228 Advice-CWC-I-JOG-FIVE-MILES-A-DAY.jpg|thumb|Yep!]]

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Dad:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're...[''angry sigh'']

'''Dad:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after... that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Dad:''' I don't...with that much...? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS...

'''Dad:''' I'm a Marine. Not after... a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but... how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe... maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Dad:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go...you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Dad:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't... you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Dad:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Dad:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Dad:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Dad:''' Don't...[''sputters'']... don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Dad:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's...how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Dad:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well... yeah, well, I can't...

'''Dad:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like... half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, so a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Dad:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Dad:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? The strong man outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I...
===Liquid Chris and minimum wage jobs===
'''Dad:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have... you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Dad:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]!

'''Dad:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so...you may not think so...

'''Dad:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened...

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Dad:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him...

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Dad:''' I don't think she... she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Dad:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Dad:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Dad:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Dad:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Dad:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Dad:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Dad:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Dad:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Dad:''' Don't lie to me. Look...

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Dad:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Dad:''' What's this he's talking about... minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Dad:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it...I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like...

'''Dad:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Dad:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.
===Respect and listening skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Dad:''' He's always been... he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Dad:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Dad:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I...wh...no. [''pause''] I, I...[''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so...

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then...and then he started, he started...

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Dad:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way...

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just...grinded my gears.

'''Dad:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Dad:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Dad:''' Didn't you just hear, she... hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh...hear her say she was getting off?

'''Dad:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Dad:''' This is... this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Dad:''' But this is... she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W... well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Dad:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you... you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because...just...you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Dad:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send... I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Dad:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's pathetic life and diseased ticker===
'''Dad:''' You sit around...what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No...

'''Dad:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokemon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Dad:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than...

'''Dad:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about...

'''Dad:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just...you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Dad:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that...

'''Dad:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']...

'''Dad:''' You don't...it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just...

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Dad:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Dad:''' O... kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that...

'''Dad:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well...

'''Dad:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me...tell me...how about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Dad:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's... that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Dad:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to...how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Dad:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Dad:''' A day. That... I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Dad:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Dad:''' Really...because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Dad:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]] a couple of months ago.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' I still don't think you...you still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long... do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say...

'''Dad:''' And play... okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Dad:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Dad:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Dad:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Dad:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that...that means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Dad:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking...

'''Dad:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Dad:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's...

'''Dad:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Dad:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Dad:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright... [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that...yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Dad:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Dad:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine...

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't... less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I...

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore...

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Dad:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']
===Chris blows it, but he's an American!===
'''Dad:''' She was pretty, ah...let's say you just blew it, man. She was, she was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Dad:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well...

'''Dad:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is...that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Dad:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about, yes you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Dad:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you...

'''Chris:''' That's my response, that's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel, I just feel very sad for her.

'''Dad:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about, you should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Dad:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, REALLY turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, 50 pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, MAYBE.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Dad:''' And I think she should be with [[Liquid Chris|her real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like... a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly... as a friend... a true friend, a good friend...

'''Dad:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean...

'''Dad:''' I do know. Because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well... points of view.

'''Dad:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. Belieeeeeeeeve me.

'''Dad:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image...

'''Dad:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I... am an [[American]]! I am proud to be an American and [[I am STRONG]]. I am an individual...

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Dad:''' Don't tell, don't tell me you're an American.

[Portal can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Dad:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic...if you were patriotic you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, [[Twin Falling Towers|that 9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't... do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I, at least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am, I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video, and making the apology.

'''Dad:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Chris's love and memory===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Dad:''' And you still made it. You... you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Dad:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I...I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Dad:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't... that's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because... I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Dad:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Dad:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would...you'd probably cry, for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Dad:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Dad:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Dad:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Dad:''' Turquoise? That's... that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Dad:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Dad:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Dad:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Dad:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Dad:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Dad:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Dad:''' No... [''exasperated sigh''] ... no, okay, her grandmother, who is...?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Dad:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Matthew crosses the line and Chris's reaction time===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Dad:''' A preschooler. God. This is... man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so... [[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me...

'''Dad:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' A line. You crossed the line. You've just... you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Dad:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Dad:''' "Nothing at the moment"?

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Dad:''' Are you... wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to threaten me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I... no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Dad:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Dad:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Dad:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you... I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Dad:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be...pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Dad:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spellcheck, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Dad:''' Making... mistakes...?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Dad:''' What are you even...?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Dad:''' Well, I bet that's not the only thing that goes faster than your brain. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't [[naïve]]? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Dad:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel... [[anger]].

'''Dad:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Dad:''' Okay... Here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Dad:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli... what are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Dad:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with... I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Dad:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Dad:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Dad:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school... prinstapull... and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Dad:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of...

'''Dad:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Dad:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I, it was not a retard, no. It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to find a school system, they wanted to put me in a mental institution! But that was not...

'''Dad:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy... this is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental... if I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Dad:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Dad:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has don nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Dad:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Dad:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Dad:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Dad:''' And you... and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Dad:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have...

'''Dad:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Dad:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Dad:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person...

'''Chris:''' I do res...I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is creepy and bad at dating===
'''Dad:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Dad:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's...that's...that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and kick your ass right now!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Dad:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't...I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Dad:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Dad:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Dad:''' You trying to tell me that...I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Dad:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Dad:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about... on her.

'''Dad:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Dad:''' Have you...have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm...yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Dad:''' Yes...anything, any of this creepy....shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well...first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet...

'''Dad:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Dad:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Dad:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Hambeast|Only one]].

'''Dad:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Dad:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Dad:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Dad:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Dad:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Dad:''' You can't think of... I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean... I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Dad:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Dad:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' That's... $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And [[Kim]] was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Dad:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Dad:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Dad:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15% or 20%.

'''Dad:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Dad:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Dad:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Dad:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm... let's see... that would be about $12.

'''Dad:''' So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Dad:''' You could at least... they're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well... good for them.

'''Dad:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Dad:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Dad:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Dad:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Dad:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you...

'''Dad:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Dad:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Dad:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Dad:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===Endgame===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well... I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, [[Mr. Devoria]], and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Dad:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Dad:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's... that's...

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Dad:''' I don't believe...you know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Dad:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|You know that song, that "Whole New World," from that Disney movie]]? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Dad:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Dad:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Dad:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Dad:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because...

'''Dad:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Dad:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Dad:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Dad:''' Well, this, this is really...this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a...I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together.

'''Kacey:''' [''Bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?! You've been so insulting to my father, and everything...Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''Heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess...maybe I did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. You can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the Hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So you know what? I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the two hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven two hours as well. But I did not know...

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean... yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then... and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough. Because you haven't done anything like that. You've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, three songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing for me. Come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the [[STRESS]]. I can't do this. I want a real man.

'''Kacey:''' [''Silence again''] You can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Dad:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you've done, Chris. Look what you've done!

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Dad:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble...

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Dad:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' [''Silence reigns''] I would like to say...good evening.

'''Dad:''' So...what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=Kacey Phone Calls|prevlink=[[Kacey Phone Call]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Y1N7JXQ3 mp3 of phonecall]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SKLGsJC6R0 the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]