CWCki - User contributions [en]

Hippo Flipnote

2012-06-22T02:35:28Z

Thundercunt:

The '''Hippo Flipnote''' is an untitled [[Flipnote]] animation uploaded by [[Chris]] on 19 [[June 2011]]. It shows a hippo like the one from [[HippoOnYourHead]] running back and forth for a few seconds while a high-pitched noise can be heard in the background.

==The video==
{{Infobox/Flipnote
| name = Hippo
| video = {{#ev:youtube|3_ZTxEsI9jI}}
| stardate = 19 [[June 2011]]
| previous = [[3DS Flipnote]]
| next = current
}}

==Notes==

"Buck Williams" is the name of one of the protagonists of the popular Evangelical Christian novel series ''Left Behind''. While the standards of theology in that series are only slightly higher than Chris's own, it is unknown whether he has actually read the books.

==External links==
*[http://flipnote.hatena.com/5348F770A0A92AE8@DSi/movie/A92AE8_0AC4B7BDC90C4_000 Original]
{{stub}}

[[Category: Flipnote Hatena| 2011-06-19]]

Chris and the law

2011-08-07T23:11:16Z

Thundercunt: /* Law troubles */

[[Image:116-CWCCop.jpg|thumb|Chris aways keeps an eye out for criminal scum who would dare steal [[Sonichu]].]]

'''Laws''' are rules established by a society to protect its members and ensure the orderly function of society. They are usually enforced by [[Jerkops|law enforcement]] and penalties are placed on those who disobey the laws.

For [[Chris]], however, these just serve as another deterrent in his endless quest for [[china]].

==Understanding==
{{quote|I have been giving him reasons since the police came in June of [[2008]], and nothing has sunken into that [[Hello, Juffalo|clown head]] of his.|[[Michael Snyder]]<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/all_comments?v=6odVsyr3I40]</ref>}}

[[Image:Impliedshooting.jpg|thumb|left|Chris implying guns are the answer.]]

Like his grip on [[Chris and reality|reality]], Chris's understanding of the law is uneasy at best. He regularly threatens trolls with legal action, and makes no distinction in severity between a troll threatening violence against Chris and a troll uploading a harmless picture of [[Rosechu]] with a [[pickle]] to the Internet. As a matter of fact, Chris himself is prone to making [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|extremely violent threats]], such as threatening to murder [[Vivian]] and her entire family because of the [[audiobooks]]. He's done everything from calling the police to convincing his father to write to then-[[George W. Bush|President Bush]] in an attempt to get rid of his [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] page. He has even attempted (poorly) to impersonate the President in a hilarious attempt to convince the trolls at ED to take down his page.<ref>http://encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Chris-chan&diff=prev&oldid=1997405266</ref> He's even attempted to contact current [[Barack Obama|President Obama]] to stop people from posting gay ads! Chris also believes that the laws in [[CWCville]] and the laws stated in should be enforced ''in real life.''<ref>[[Mailbag 55#Draconian fun!]]</ref>

Chris himself doesn't have much respect for laws and rules, at least when [[Chris and hypocrisy|their enforcement inconveniences him]]. During his time at [[Get-Tar Region|Target]] he didn't see anything wrong with exploiting the free refill policy and loitering for hours at a time in a privately-owned establishment while harassing female customers and apparently [[Attraction Sign|soliciting sex]]. Chris feels that his [[Virgin with Rage|emotional state]] entirely justifies his actions at times, stating in [[Vivitheg's AIM chat]] that he should be excused for disturbing the peace by literally shouting "NOOOOOOO!" loudly in the middle of a crowded mall.<ref>[[Sonichu 1#Sub-Episode 2: Christian Chandler in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart"]]</ref>

Self-contradictory to a fault, though, Chris is happy to meticulously follow some laws while ignoring others at the same time. In [[Sonichu Special 4|''Sonichu'' Special #4]], his cartoon avatar makes a point of obeying the speed limit... while on his way to confront [[CChanSonichuCWC]] and commit assault with a deadly weapon upon him. Any intelligent and decent person could tell you which of these laws is more important, but Chris is neither intelligent nor decent. In a May 2010 video, Chris states that a man deserves twenty years in prison for brutally beating his girlfriend to death with his bare hands, which is just twice the penalty he wants for smoking.<ref>[[05142010]]</ref>

In addition, Chris has very little respect for [[Jerkops|those who enforce the law]]:

{{quote|Verbal Combat had started, and during the fight, I ran off, still giving verbal punishment, as well as da finger, and many “[[Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha]]s.” I nearly backed up onto him with my car, and I gave him another finger. Then I dashed off. |Excerpt from Chris's [[CWC's Diary|diary]]}}

The above quote pretty much defines Chris's attitude towards law enforcement officials. He feels that it is completely appropriate to flip off, insult, and lie to people who are simply doing their jobs. And, of course, as any rational person (i.e., anyone who's not Chris) would understand, running away from law enforcement officials is a seriously bad idea. Chris is truly a rebel without a cause or effect.

The correspondence with Jackie revealed that in the trial on the Target incident, Chris thought that his work with the [[The_GAMe_PLACe#Chris_the_TCG_gamer|Pokémon TCG League]] let him off the hook.<ref>[[Jackie e-mails Part 2#Chris_lies_about_The_Game_Place]]</ref> In reality, the court probably acquitted him either on a technicality or insufficient evidence. Chris probably mentioned the volunteer work because he believed a person's merits, no matter how unrelated, would automatically make one innocent of all charges. It is also telling that he recounted the charge as "Soliciting," whereas the actual charge was "Disorderly Conduct"; he feels that he was only persecuted because of his [[Love Quest]] efforts, and not because he was tard raging.

==Law troubles==
On 11 September [[2004]], Chris was detained at [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]] for loitering, and continually arguing with the staff over a number of months. The incident is depicted in [[Sub-Episode 1]]. Chris was banned from returning to the mall on his own and without his parents' company. However, it appears that this ban was lifted or ignored soon afterward.

On 20 July [[2005]], Chris was charged with disorderly conduct and trespassing at Target,<ref name="Criminal Searches">[http://www.criminalsearches.com/details.aspx?id=w1x00xC8&vw=criminal&1=Wpem9DAEtHH%2fFwSXuzfStJ2LvpHgv1YXUU3kPiyr3%2fQ%3d&input=name CriminalSearches.com], which has the Virginia Administrative Office of the Courts as their source</ref> as depicted in [[Sub-Episode 7]] and [[Sub-Episode 8]]. After two hearings,<ref name="Criminal Searches" /><ref>[[MySpace#Lindsay]]</ref> prosecutors chose to drop the case and Chris was not punished.

Five days later, Chris caused an auto accident when he followed another car too closely and rear-ended it. This went to court on 12 September 2005.<ref name="Criminal Searches" /> He was fined $30 and had to pay $56 in court costs.

Chris's various run-ins at [[The GAMe PLACe]] have resulted in the cops being called on him a couple times. At least once after Chris called in his parents after he was initially banned from the location and tried to weasel his way back in, and again when he trespassed on the property, though he wasn't charged with anything on either occasion.<ref>[[Michael Snyder is ColdHearted and Mean]]</ref>

On 4 [[June 2010]], Chris made yet another pilgrimage to The GAMe PLACe. Chris was armed with his camera, and while Mike was concerned that Chris wanted pictures of his daughter for [[Mass Debating|disturbing reasons]], Chris maintains that he merely wanted a picture of Mike [[Death threats|for use as a dartboard]]. Still disturbing, but in entirely different ways. Chris was caught in the parking lot despite trying to run away, and was questioned by the police, who made him delete the pictures he had taken, and basically told him to quit his shit. Chris made his [[6 June 2010]] video in response to these events.

In a [[May 2011]] [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] post, Chris said that he has begun to use the ladies' restroom at his local mall while dressed in drag; he recounts an incident in which ''"a woman complains and tattles on me, and a stereotypical Brute male shouts me out. I felt embarassed. When in skirt, I am still gonna go to the Ladies, because there is no goin' back for me."'' It seems likely that, if Chris continues after this fashion, more confrontations with jerkops are likely.

In his [[Calling Out|three new videos]] posted after 8-month-long hiatus from YouTube he [[Fail|tries]] to do something which some viewers of ''The Chandler Show'' believe to be blackmail. Chris admitted it by typing word ''blackmail'' in tags for last of them; however, it is highly unlikely that it means beginning of ''The Lawsuit Saga'', cause probably no one (both trolls and judges) would give a shit about random manchild making silly threats via YouTube and also having [[Autism|some secret powers in store]]. Note that under Virginia law, his demands are more likely to be considered extortion (still a class five felony) rather than blackmail.

==Chris's parents and law==

It's not hard to figure out why Chris thinks the law should serve him and him alone. His parents, too, have the same problem.

* When Chris was thrown out of the [[Wikipedia:Cub Scouting (Boy Scouts of America)|Cub Scouts]] after an [[autism|unknown incident]], his parents attempted to sue the [[Wikipedia:Boy Scouts of America|Boy Scouts of America]] for [[Kick the autistic|discrimination]].<ref>[[Mailbag 18]]</ref>
* When Chris threw a tantrum that required him to be restrained, Bob attempted to sue the school.<ref>[http://208.210.219.132/stars/mainmenu.jsp;jsessionid=0000XHMY2MEVFIV0HN4N1CX0EQA:ulnfn1uq], case 0438-94-2</ref>
* When [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] took a picture of Chris and uploaded it to the Internet, Chris's parents threatened them with legal action (but never followed through).
* When [[Snorlax]] thought she had indigestion (actually [[Wikipedia:colitis|colitis]]), she acted like she was going to sue the Chinese place the food came from. When the doctor actually explained what happened, she dropped the subject.
* Chris inherited his love of running from problems - when his parents had their absurd case against Greene County used against them, their first reaction was to run to another county.<ref>[[Greene County Conspiracy]]</ref>
* When [[Asperchu|Alec]] called the Chandler household posing as [[GAMe PLACe]] employee Matthew Noble, they claimed that taking pictures of somebody without their knowledge or consent was "Not illegal." It is ironic, given that they threatened to sue Mimms and Lucas for exactly the same thing.<ref>[[Matthew Noble call]]</ref>
* During that same call, Bob seems to completely disregard the concept that an individual can be barred from private property, saying, "it's a business place," as though that has any more bearing on the law and how it affects his son than, say, the color of the store's walls.<ref>[[Matthew Noble call]]</ref>

==Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws==
[[Image:AL cover.gif|thumb|Where Chris's ORIGINAL and OFFICIAL laws come from.]]
As he believes the police in real life are corrupt and sees them in the same light as he sees the [[jerkop]]s in his comic, Chris has his own spin on the law. The penalties for [[Alcohol|drinking]], [[Tobacky|smoking]] and [[troll|internet harassment]] involve physical violence including a "Kick in the Teeth" which Chris portrays as a punch in the first and only of his supposed series of Q&A videos.<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008|the only one]]</ref>

On 31 [[December 2009]], Chris presented a nice babble about a law he wants made to prevent [[Jack Thaddeus]] from using adspace he paid for.

{{quote|I Have The Instinct, and I Have Already [[CWC-ism|Snail-Mailed]] President Barack Obama on how this sort of bad advertisement is going on and how it is Wrong and should be made Illegal. On HOW if the Main Captain does not WANT or IS OFFENDED with the listed Ads within his own Website or Works, REGARDLESS of who controls the AdSpace, WOULD REMOVE THOSE ADS or face JAILTIME. And the F.B.I. would be FULLY INVOLVED in all this, and THEY have the Power, Tools and Balls to seek, hunt down and bring in the Individual Internet Trolls and Ad-Spammers.|Chris, [[Chris and his Ego|Thinking he's important]]}}

Yes, you heard it right. Chris wants to ask the President of the United States to make [[Chris and Reality|advertisements he doesn't like illegal.]] From a practical standpoint, CWCipedia is the only wiki that has a "Main Captain." This "Main Captain" does literally nothing to run or maintain the site at all. Furthermore, if someone paid for adspace, the host that received the money must allow the purchasing party to use said adspace for the allotted time, no matter what they advertise, or the host faces legal penalties. And last but not least, the President has better things to do than slap laws on wikis. It also escapes Chris's mind that the President doesn't make law. He would have had a better chance if he had mailed his congressman. He of course, will never bother.

This attitude is also reflected on his relationship with [[Mary Lee Walsh]]. [[2003|Years ago]], she interrupted Chris in what looked like [[Love Quest#Conflicts with Mary Lee Walsh|soliciting for sex]]. [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|Hilarity ensued]] and Chris received a well-deserved [[Autism papers|time-out]] for [[Chris and anger|his antics]]. Fast-forward in [[2009]] when Chris, out of the blue decides to make peace. He went to her office and left her a [[:File:Apology_to_Mary_Lee.jpg|"Framed Hand-Drawn Apology"]] on her doorstep.<ref>[[One Blessing, and One Curse|out of the blue]]</ref> Knowing Chris's attitude, she filled a trespassing notice. In pure autistic logic, Chris said that since he didn't read the letter and returned it to the sender, so he's not liable.<ref>[[Mailbag 26]]</ref>

[[Mailbag 55]] posits a few more original laws: one, that it should be illegal for [[Jerks|men]] to ever show their [[Reldnahc|bare chest]] (because, according to Chris, no one in the entire world ever wants to see a man's bare chest, no matter what shape he's in). He also wants to force all women in any kind of relationship to wear rings, thus defeating all symbolism and significance of them.

Due to Chris being forced away from the Internet, Chris began to formulate a new law, the "Bill for Anti Online Bad-Mouthing," starting with his second [[Flipnote Hatena|Flipnote]], [[Don'tGetTrolled!]]. What this entails is unknown, but by the sounds if it, he wishes for a law where no one can ever speak up against anyone in a negative tone, thus allowing Chris to continue to have his e-peen stroked while the trolls can't touch him. While there have been laws that punish those that lead to others being harmed via the Internet, the Bill for Anti Online Bad-Mouthing is one of the ridiculous ideas ever, as it leads to a complete and utter smashing of the Bill of Rights, specifically Freedom of Speech.

TL;DR: Chris ignores the law when it's inconvenient, yet expects it to save the day when the [[Autism]] card doesn't work.

==In the comic==

Chris's understanding of the law in his comics goes so far as to been seen as a mixture of childish tendencies and, some might say, authoritarianism. In [[CWCville]], Chris has banned a number of things in his city. [[Smoking]] or drinking [[alcohol]] would lead one to be either sentenced to ten years in prison or a much more lenient US$1,500 fine (although, as [[CWCville]] uses C-Quarters and W-Quarters for currency, it's not clear why fines are levied in US dollars).<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008]]</ref> Indeed, importing tobacco or alcohol is the most serious crime in the city, apparently receiving a greater punishment than murder or rape.<ref>[[Chris Chan Q&A 27 October 2008]]</ref> However, it should be noted that Chris [[Rollin' and Trollin'|repealed the law]] in [[June 2009]].

The Rosechus tend to fight for [[women's rights]], that is to say, the ability to strip naked whenever and wherever they want to, not to mention the fact that full legal rights for women are already established across the US, suggesting that Chris has imposed discriminating laws against women in CWCville.

Chris has been seen as a do-nothing Mayor, preferring to have [[Allison Amber|his secretary]] do all the work (as per his thoughts on women) while he goes off on another one of his sweetheart searches. He has mandated "[[Dating Education]]" classes for students so that they can learn to go on dates, as well as how to "stay straight."

[[List_of_Sonichu_characters#Constables_Gerald_Grant_and_Louis_Perez|Actual police officers]] did not appear until [[Sonichu 10|quite late]] and even then, they did nothing whatever, giving the impression that Chris and his Pokémon abominations are the only thing standing in between peace and eternal virgins with rage. However, [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]] seems to reveal that there are three sets of "other" protectors: a (possibly) nondescript police force (distinct from [[Mary Lee Walsh]]'s [[jerkops]]), as well as his own team of [[Power Rangers]] and a team of [[Transformers]].

{{quote|Is CWCville under Martial Law? |[[Jack Thaddeus]] citing the truth as he sees it}}

It gets even scarier. In conversation with [[Jack Thaddeus]], he revealed that CWCville is the home of a paramilitary force equipped with tanks which he uses as a "Police Force", and all his Electric Hedgehog Pokémon enjoy immunity from prosecution and are above the law.<ref>[[Jack Thaddeus Phone Call 3]]</ref> If we add all this to the fact that there are no free elections in CWCville, this shows us the city in the hands of an insane, tyrannical dictator running it with an iron fist, and backed with super-powered goons who are free to do any atrocity with impunity. According to Chris, [[Magi-Chan]] mentally scans the city perimeters for any sexual acts, and reports any homosexual activity to the authorities. The participants are then "tried and fined HEAVILY; $500 or 50 Hours of Community Service."<ref>[[Mailbag 31#Magi-Chan knows when you fuck]]</ref> Apparently in CWCville, the [[Wikipedia:Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fourth Amendment to the U. S. Constitution]] does not apply in matters of personal sexual choice. This might put him at odds with [[Chris and sex#Pedophilia|his own sexual ideals...]]

In a strange [[Chris and hypocrisy|set of double standards]], Chris has been shown to injure, kill, or damage people and property ''outside of CWCVille''. [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]] has shown no less than three grievous acts upon others: the destruction of the 4-cent_garbage building, the murder of over one hundred alleged "trolls" in said destruction, breaking and entering, and destroying Internet files and property. There was no evidence that this act of mass murder was even investigated by the authorities.

Following the death of [[Simonla]], the culprits ([[Alec]], [[Mao]], [[Sean]] and [[Evan]]) are subjected to a show trial, and given no defense attorney by the state (violating the [[Wikipedia:Sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Sixth Amendment]]) forcing Sean to act as their lawyer despite being [[Tobacky|high as a kite]]. There is no solid evidence presented for the murder charge, aside from the Voltorb remote (which the prosecutor never tried to prove belonged to them) and wholly unreliable "psychic evidence" extracted by Magi-Chan. When they're railroaded and found guilty, they're ''killed by the people they've wronged'' (read: murdered brutally by cartoon characters), in a gross violation of the [[Wikipedia:Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Eighth Amendment]] forbidding cruel and unusual punishment.

Demonstrating Chris's limited understanding of trials (as his knowledge of trials stems purely from television), the kangaroo court integrates both elements of civil and criminal trials. The Asperpedia Four are not only prosecuted for murder by a [[Marvey Blaziken|state attorney]], as per a criminal trial, but also charged with defamation of character, libel, and copyright infringement (as well as several charges such as "profanity to the max" that would hold no water in an actual court) by Chris and his cohorts, as per a civil trial. Surely enough, Chris, Sonichu, and Rosechu are sitting in a bench marked "PLAINTIF" [''sic'']. That both civil and criminal charges are included in one trial not only demonstrates a poor understanding of the courtroom process, but is further proof that Chris considers "slanderous mockeries" and other torts on par with major crimes such as murder and assault. To add to the equation, one cannot be given a death sentence (or any sentence, for that matter) for being guilty in a civil trial, but in the Asperpedia Four trial civil charges are the primary reason for the death sentence. In summary, the CWCville court system is a constitutional nightmare that violates multiple articles and amendments, and has no concept of due process. One must wonder why it is allowed to exist within the borders of the U. S.

tl;dr: Any semblance of law in CWCville exists solely to further the wishes of its tyrannical (and murderous) Mayor.

==See also==
*[[Parody]]
*[[Jerkop]]
*[[Manajerk]]

==Sauces==
<references />

{{Chris and}}

Lars Call

2011-06-10T16:41:13Z

Thundercunt: "pouring libations" is an archaic practice of drinking wine as a ritual of remembrance/worship. Lars be a cultured nigga and shit.

[[Image:Lars.jpg|thumb|Lars, with boat]]

{{quote|I want [[Jackie]] and I want to be able to keep my [[video games]].|[[Chris]], torn between two loves}}

The '''Lars Call''' was a ninety-minute phone conversation on 6 [[November 2010]] where Chris talked with [[Jackie]]'s [[Niggos|black]] [[JERKS|ex-boyfriend]] [[Lars]], discussing addictions, a parade he promised Jackie, what he would do for a woman, and boats. Chris got comfortable with [[Wikipedia:Ebonics|Ebonics]], and hilarity ensued. Near the end of the call, Lars mentions he's going to have [[sex]] with Jackie, and Chris completely misses what he just said as he hangs up the phone, once again proving how dense Chris really is.

==Summary==
* Jackie had an involuntary abortion, thanks to Lars.
* Lars got rid of his boats, Chris gets rid of his [[Lego|Legos]].
* Lars didn't finish school because people played [[Kick the Autistic|Kick the Nigga]].
* Lars doesn't understand [[autism]], after Chris's explanation, he thought it was [[Asperger syndrome|Asperger's]] and [[Ultra Sonichu|<s>Down Syndrome</s> Downtism]].
* Chris whines about [[trolls]], not getting a [[job]], and being called a [[homo]]. Lars hears him.
* Chris doesn't like when people say "[[gay]]" [[I_Am_The_TRUE,_Original_CCWC#Transcript|as in stupid]], Lars doesn't like when people say [[Niggos|"nigga"]] [[Chris Drops the N-Bomb|out of context.]]
* [[Sonichu]] (didn't see that coming), Chris incorporates IRL enemies into his [[comic]]. Lars tells him to continue the comic in order to conquer the trolls.
* Lars says Jackie is upset because she isn't an inspiration for Chris to do the comic, and he sometimes doesn't do what he tells her he will.
* Chris tells Lars he's a [[virgin]]; Lars says that explains his rage against the trolls.
* Chris rewrites the comic so he doesn't kill "[[Alec Benson Leary|Alec Bason Nigga]]".
* Jackie better not burn that casserole.
* Chris promised a parade for Alec to Jackie, Chris denies it, Lars has the [[Jackie_E-mails_20|e-mail proving he did]].
* Jackie initially broke up with Lars because he told her he'd lose the boats, and he didn't. Chris feels him. Chris is Lars's nigga.
* Chris is willing to give up [[the Moon]] and Mercury if he had it, for Jackie. He's really giving up video games, but he won't sell his "[[PS3|PS Triple]]".
* Lars spent $35,000 on six credit cards for boats. He won't let addiction rule his life anymore.
* Chris swears on the grave on his [[Aunt Corina]] he will not spend anymore on his [[PS3]] (at least it wasn't [[Patti]]).
* Lars spent nine months as a volunteer at a hospital, enjoying the sight of [[Bob|old white men]] dying.
* More bitching about [[trolls]].
* Lars and Chris talk about their criminal records, Lars makes trespassing sound bad ass.
* Chris apparently turns into a nigga himself as about halfway in and speaks in Ebonics (off and on) the remainder of the call.
* Chris would [[Death threats|shoot]] [[Michael Snyder]] if he had the chance. Michael was just looking for a reason to [[ban]] Chris.
* Lars gives Chris a scenario of someone breaking in. Chris says he's [[100_2278|strong]] and would kick their ass (but only if they hit first).
* Chris likes black people on [[TV]]. Lars gets mildly offended upon hearing how Chris likes ''Sanford & Son''. They both hold up their fists in black solidarity.
* The conversation goes back to Jackie, they wonder why Jackie is mad at Chris.
* Chris claims that he will make things right.
* Lars tells Chris that his [[dick]] is four inches of straight goodness.
* Lars burned his boats because he wants Jackie back and suggested that Chris burn his PS3 to get Jackie back.
* Lars thinks he has the upper hand over Chris in the competition over Jackie. He was known as "Ram-rod" in [[High School]].
* Chris talks about his [[Cherokee]] heritage. He's not a "casino nigga" and beats the stereotype that Native Americans have jobs.
* Lars respects Chris trying to win Jackie back, while Lars is "[[Hanky-panky|ramrodding]]" her.
* Chris talks about [[The MovingFoward videos|destroying his first PS3]], Lars questions why he got a second one. Chris says he needs it as a computer. Lars asks why he didn't get a computer instead.
* Lars tells Chris to improve himself whether Jackie stays with him or not.
* Jackie can't come to the phone, she's taking a massive shit, courtesy of [[Wikipedia:Taco Bell|Taco Bell]].
* Chris whines that making changes is [[Autism|too hard]].
* Lars says Chris is afraid of women. Chris denies it.
* Chris [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|shits himself.]]
* Chris didn't have [[Wikipedia:Taco Bell|Taco Bell]], he had a fish fillet for dinner.
* Lars lost his virginity at 8; he was scared, so he only made the bitch cum twice.
* Lars tells Chris if he loses the PSTriple, his ass will be kicked out on the street and Jackie will be at Chris's doorstep the following day.
* Lars concludes with the fist of solidarity, he will bang Jackie when she gets out of the bathroom.
* Chris promises [[Honest]]y to Lars, he wants Jackie AND [[video games]].
* Chris likes [[Fanta|orange soda]].
* Lars didn't know what [[Wikipedia:Kenan & Kel|''Kenan & Kel'']] or Nickelodeon was, he goes to fuck Jackie.
===Stats===
* The word "nigga" is used 185 times.
* "Shit" is used 554 times.
* "Yo" is used 46 times.

==Transcript==

===You Are Now About to Witness the Strength of Street Knowledge (0:01 - 7:00)===
'''Jackie:''' [''In shrill, forced enthusiasm''] Oh hi Chris, it's Jackie! How are you?
 '''Chris:''' ...Oh... Jackie... Hi.
 '''Jackie:''' Well I got your email!-
 '''Chris:''' Well- Yeah. Oh, uhhh. Yep. What's a... What's... a... [''sounds of frantic typing''] what's... a what's... uh, your response there?
 '''Jackie:''' Um, sorry I missed your- missed you last night, I just didn't know if you'd be around! Listen, I'm going to turn you over to Lars right now, and I'll be listening. So you-
 '''Chris:''' Oh.
 '''Jackie:''' -two boys play nice, ok?
 '''Chris:''' Um, ok.
 '''Jackie:''' Lars!
 '''Lars:''' YO! [[Women's rights|BITCH WHERE MAH DINNER AT?!]]
 '''Chris:''' ...hmm, hello?
 '''Lars:''' Yo!, yo-yo-yo. Who dis at?
 '''Chris:''' ...
 '''Lars:''' Yo dawg?
 '''Chris:''' ...
 '''Lars:''' Yo who did-did? Yo this be Lars and shit, who dis?
 '''Chris:''' Uh, this is Christian.
 '''Lars:''' Yo! yo, Christian C. How y'all doin' dawg?
 '''Chris:''' Um, I'm-fu- I'm fairing out. How are you?
 '''Lars:''' Doin' alright, nigga. Shit. Yo, I'll be honest with y'all dawg. I ain't wanna do this call and shit at first, y'know? You diggin' and shit? Bet y'all pro'lly felt the same way, and shit.
 '''Chris:''' ...
 '''Lars:''' But then my-m, my girl Jackie, she be all like: "Bitch, you best be doin' this call! Lest I'll be all breakin' up you with y'all and shit." So I be like doin' the call and shit.
 '''Chris:''' ...
 '''Lars:''' Yo, dawg-
 '''Chris:''' ...Ye-
 '''Lars:''' -what you wanna talk about?
 '''Chris:''' Hmm, well, uh... yeah for uh... well, for one thing, well, I know what you put- what you did do to Jackie a while back, you spike- you spiked her coffee and killed the unborn child.
 '''Lars:''' Yo yo yo yo yo, dog, yo dog. That my bad and shit, yeah. I'll own up to that shit, sure, shiiit. That's in the past and shit, dog. I own up to that shit, and that's in the past. And I own up to that shit. Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Okay- okay, but how did you own up to that?
 '''Lars:''' Shit, dog, what you talkin' 'bout? I ain't do that shit no more. I made that shit up. Yo dog, what you talkin' 'bout? Shit be long gone, water over the bridge and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Well, the fact remains that she was pregnant with your child, then she lost it.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, yeah, all got- I ain't ready to be no baby daddy and shit. Shit, yo, nigga get scared and shit, fuck. Y'all know what that be like and shit. Y'all ain't be no a-dult and shit, you know? Ain't ready to take on no a-dult responsiblities. Fuck. I done pour libations and shit for that baby, I tell ya what.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' I done regret it and shit. You know? Shit happens. Shit be in the past, though and shit. I'm a new nigga, now. You dig, you feel me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I hear- I hear you.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, so I be burn no baby no baby fetus no more neither. I'm ready for baby now. I got a job and shit, I got rid of my stupid boats and shit too, damn.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I heard you burned those boats.
 '''Lars:''' Got rid of all of them boats. Not just my boats, neither. Got rid of boats, got rid of my expansion pass for boats, got rid of my paint kits for them boats, shit you know dog, I be goin' through my closet and shit, I got paint kit for boats I ain't even own, nigga. Man, sometimes a nigga just face his life and shit, when he ain't facin' it, he ain't realize what he got, 'til it's gone. Be like the song, and shit. You gots to get rid of all that shit, you feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' I got boats in the closet, boats in the yard, boats in the living room, boats in the lawn, boats in my driveway and shit. Boats on the roof and shit. Shit be takin' over my house. Like a bad habit and shit, y'all feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, y'all got- y'all got any nasty habits and shit there Chris?
 '''Chris:''' N-nasty habits?
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, yeah, you know, any boats and shit? Model [[Wikipedia:Planes, Trains and Automobiles|planes, and trains, and automobiles]] maybe? Anything that be weighing you down, and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah-
 '''Lars:''' We all got our demons and shit. You must got somethin', lay it on me, dog.
 '''Chris:''' Oh... okay, well I did have [[CWCville|a whole city]] made out of [[Lego]]s that I tore- I des- pretty much tore it down, and-
 '''Lars:''' Huh, y'all done got a city of [[Lego]]s and shit? Man, I feel you, that's gangsta.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' How much 'fetti y'all get for all them Legos, how much money you get?
 '''Chris:''' Hmm, nah I didn't get very- I didn't give no- I didn't get much money from... I did- there just a whole bunch- a whole bunch of pieces of bricks and whatnot and people are already on their way and most children already have their own bunches of Legos, and they're like they don't need it any more to call up their house and all that.
 '''Lars:''' Shiiit, I feel you. Take them Legos to the bank, get some Lego bills and shit. Man, I just took $30 worth of nickels to the bank this mornin'. Got myself some bills, I did. [[Wikipedia:United States twenty-dollar bill|Jackson]] and [[Wikipedia:United States ten-dollar bill|a Hamilton]] and shit, goin' to [[Wikipedia:Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits|Popeyes Chicken]] with that shit. Bet you feel that, right dog? Y'all ever been to Popeyes and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Hmm, no I cannot say I have sampled Popeyes-
 '''Lars:''' Dog, oh dog you missin' out, missin' out. Damn good chicken and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I'm sure it is, I have heard good things about Popeyes.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight a'ight a'ight, you feel me, you feel me, and I feel you and shit. Damn, nigga. Yo, yo, I be digressin' and shit, we gettin' off topic. We be talkin' 'bout yours and mines nasty habits and shit, what else do you got, dog? Lay it on me.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm...
 '''Lars:''' I feel all righteous and shit, gettin' rid of all my boats, feel like a new nigga and shit. Feel like a whole new day be startin' for me. You ever have a feelin' like that, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I have felt that way before.
 '''Lars:''' Tell me all about it, dog.

=== Slow Times at Manchester High (7:00 - 12:30)===
'''Chris:''' Well pretty much felt like- felt like a big time star and all that when I had a good number of [[gal-pals|friends]] back in high school. But then I had- then I graduated and had to leave [[Chesterfield County]] where I was going to [[high school]] and move back [[Ruckersville]]. And then it just, pretty much went downhill for me, and I didn't have too many friends.
 '''Lars:''' Shit, dog, I hear high school be fun and shit. Oh no, dropped out halfway through seventh grade and shit. That's a cross I had to bear and shit. Dayum.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Been tryin' to go to high school and shit, ain't no niggas in the school system be wantin' no nigga up in their classroom. They be playin' "[[Kick the Autistic|Kick the Nigga]]" and shit. Shit ain't gangsta, they be straight bustas and shit. Fuckin' niggas. Y'all know 'bout getting tormented and shit, ain't you? Tormented for your differences and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I got pretty much tormented for my [[autism]] and considerable [[Slow-in-the-minds|slow-mindedness]], that has happened to me before.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo, dog, au-austiss- wait, the fuck that shit be? D- au...
 '''Chris:''' Autism, it's a- uh, it's a slowness in the mind where, it just, uh, it basically inhibits social functions. Y'know, being able to socialize as well as normal people. You can look it up on [[Wikipedia]].
 '''Lars:''' Oh, y'all be a slow-in-the-mind and shit, then, huh? Like that [[Wikipedia:Down syndrome|Down syndrome]] and shit. My cousin got that shit. Ain't got no neck and shit. Fuckin' shit, nigga can't fit no shirts.
 '''Chris:''' Well, yeah, well, it's not uh- it is not Down syssdrome, it's way different from Down syndrome, just look it up on Wikipedia, and it's [[A-U-T-I-S-M]].
 '''Lars:''' Be more like that [[Asperger's]] and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Um...
 '''Lars:''' I ain't know anyone with that Asperger's, I hear that's some shit. They be all up in them trains and shit. Maybe I should get tested for that shit, I have my boats and shit. I probably grew out of it though, got rid my boats, though.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' So you got them Asperger's and shit, all right dog- all right. I hear you, I feel you. I feel you, yo, we all got our- we all got our differences, we all gots our liabilities.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' What else you got dog? Yo dog, you- you seem like a nice nigga and shit. Man, I ain't think this call gonna be pleaseant and shit, but so far we be doin' good. I ain't know why Jackie be comin' back to me and shit, when she got you. Says she ain't happy with you though. Why we gotta be talkin'? Why Jackie havin' us do this shit? She ain't explain nothing to me.
 '''Chris:''' Well, she’s, uh-
 '''Lars:''' Man, yo, I love the bitch and shit, sometimes she treat me like a fuckin’ [[Wikipedia:House slave|house nigga]]. Shit, won’t-bitch won’t tell me nothin’.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I hear you. [[Barb|My-my mom]]-it happens between my mom and [[Bob|dad]]. It’s, uh, lack of communication and-yeah, shit like that.
 '''Lars:''' Feel that, feel that. Fifty percent of marriages in this country lead to divorce because of that shit. Now, I’m [[Niggos|a black man]], so I’m naturally afraid of marriage and shit, so that probably ain’t gonna affect me and [[Jackie]]. But still, shit ain’t right. Shit ain’t gangsta.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I hear-
 '''Lars:''' Shit ain't [[Wikipedia:Cornbread|cornbread]].
 '''Chris:''' I hear that.
 '''Lars:''' So why Jackie be not happy with you and shit? I mean, y'all know why Jackie wasn't happy with me. I wanna know why Jackie ain’t happy with you. We got-we got’s to bond like true niggas.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Well, uh, she and I, uh, we’ve had our, uh, our fights as well, but, uh, with my [[computer]] went, uh, went all on the fritz and I wasn’t able to get back out-to get back on, and it’s like, I can’t afford to get a new computer right now to, uh, replace-a new computer tower, and, uh, and we-and we haven’t been able to talk to each other through, uh, AIM and, uh, she’s kinda felt neglected on that. And, uh, also she requested me to upload-to make and upload videos to [[YouTube]] for her, which I have done, and, uh-
 '''Lars:''' A’ight, a’ight, I know about them videos and shit. I’ve been watching that shit. Man, I’ve been wondering what that shit all about, then I find out Jackie been asking y'all to do shit. Yo yo yo yo dawg, let me ask you a question and shit, though. Yo-
 '''Chris:''' Uh huh.
 '''Lars:''' You been doing these-You been doing these videos and shit. Why she be mad and shit? You be doing what she asks, right? You be doing everything-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' -she asks?
 (pause)
 '''Lars:''' Somethin’ about-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Somethin’ about some comic she was bitchin’ about the other day. I was like, “Bitch! Go make me my fuckin’ steak dinner, bitch!” But she just keep railing on about [[Book10Replacement|that fuckin’ comic video]]. I watched that comic video, you scribbled some shit, maybe ‘cause you ain’t colorin’ shit, I don’t know.
 '''Chris:''' Well, I mean, uh-
 '''Lars:''' Jackie-Jackie like them colors. Yo, hell, I ain’t got to tell you she like colors. She like me. That’s all the color she needs. I guess she wanted more color from you, though.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, well I mean, I recorded that video, I hadn't had a chance to color it in yet, but I had planned to color it in after that, and uh, and th- and I'll be taking the, uh video file and uploading to YouTube at the, uh, library. I just haven't been able to get out in my car lately.

===Turf Wars (12:30 - 16:00)===
'''Lars:''' I heard it be somethin' 'bout you pickin' fights with- with artisans and shit, other cartoonists? You be like, [[troll]]in' and shit. Startin' gang wars and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Turf wars? I come from the streets, I know what turf war be all about.
 '''Chris:''' Eh.
 '''Lars:''' Shit. Ain't no winners in that game. Everybody lose.
 (Pause)
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Well it's uh, not really a turf war, it's- ah, but I guess it can be considered like that. It's a- I have- I have been havin' my fights and bouts against a- like, a Internet bullies, and cyberbullies. Trolls.
 '''Lars:''' What is-
 '''Chris:''' [''interjecting''] They just, uh- they just, uh- think they're breaking uh- I became like, a Internet celebr- Internet c-celebrity with my, uh, crea- my uh, my genius of [[Sonichu (comic)|my comic]], in my comics and whatnot. So yeah, they uh, just essentially torture me. They, uh- They- they- they- like, they- uh, really weigh me down. And plus, they, uh- like, called my, like, got my, they got overtime from between the hackings and they uh, pretend to be other people, and- and uh, and all that damn shit. It's, they uh- get a whole bunch of, uh [unintelligible]
 '''Lars:''' I feel you, dog. I feel ya.
 '''Chris:''' They get a whole bunch of footage from me and they just twist it and turn it the wrong way and just make my-and they just smear my once good name in the mud. Makes it very hard for me to get a job of my own with the background checks. Then-and they pretty much Google my-Google my name and all you get was, uh-all you get’s pretty much, other than the first, and their sole results is, uh, damn [[CWCki]] and uh, damn [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]] and that’s just a whole bunch of weigh-me-downs-
 '''Lars:''' I feel ya, I feel ya.
 '''Chris:''' [''unintelligible''] –bad about me.
 '''Lars:''' That fuckin’ man hold a nigga down. Shit, I’ve been living that shit, whole life and shit. Damn. Fuckin’ niggas tryin’ to hold a nigga down. Yo yo, yo-
 '''Chris:''' You know, Lars-
 '''Lars:''' Yo yo yo, let m-oh, no no, you go ahead, dawg. You go ahead.
 '''Chris:''' Okay-
 '''Lars:''' You go on with your righteous self.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Anyway, they also misla-they also mislabel me as a [[homos]]exual when I am a straight man.
 '''Lars:''' Homosexual and shit? Damn. Like on the [[Wikipedia:Down-low (sexual slang)|DL]]?
 '''Chris:''' [''unintelligible'']
 '''Lars:''' That what they say?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah they be calling me- yeah, they be calling me gay. But I'm a- but I'm a straight man.
 '''Lars:''' Man, I know these niggas. Y'all like, they be all like men who have sex with men an' shit? They call themselves gay, but I'm like, nigga, you be gay if you be having sex with men. I mean, what that shit about? Fuckin' gay niggas, ain't wanna admit they gay. You know that gay shit, though, I think it's that, that macho shit. Ain't no black man want to admit to being a gay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Dawg.
 '''Chris:''' [''unintelligible''] Yeah, yeah plus you know what also, you know along those lines what really ticks me off is when they-when they use the word "gay" when the word means "stupid" or "retarded."
 '''Lars:''' Shit. All be like when niggas be using the word nigga an' shit. That be our word and shit, ain't no one got the right to use that shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' You know how that feels 'an shit, it hurts me. Right here. Right fucking here.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I-
 '''Lars:''' I be tappin' my chest, where my heart muscle is? You can't see it 'cause we on the phone, but that's what I be doin'. To enunciate my point. So.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I-
 '''Lars:''' What you sayin' is, when people call you gay, that be hurting you the same way, 'cause "gay" be like your word. Just like "nigga" be like my word, an' shit. Damn.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Shit.
 '''Chris:''' Essentially, yeah, I know.

===The Alec Bason Nigga Parade (16:00 - 26:43)===
'''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo, yo, dog, dog. Let me, let me go back, let me ax you. Ya'll say you be drawin' comics and shit, what kind of comics you draw, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Ugh, it's uh, from a idea I had. Uh, in a nutshell it's essentially combining [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and [[Pikachu]]. Called him, uh, [[Sonichu]]. And that's all--he's like this, he actually goes on the adventures and whatnot, similar to Sonic the Hedgehog in one, he's got like electric powers and he can run fast and everything. They, and he hangs around, he hangs around, goes out with [[Rosechu|his girlfriend]] and uh, yeah, eventually they get married and uh, they have [[Sonee & Rosey|children]].
 '''Lars:''' Shit, be like [[Wikipedia:Archie Comics|Archie comics]] and shit. Y'know, I always though Archie be [[Homos|gay]] an' shit. Fuckin' Archie.
 '''Chris:''' N-no-
 '''Lars:''' [[Wikipedia:Archie Bunker|Archie Bunker]] with his negativity, fuckin' callin' people nigger. Gooks. Swanks. Wanks. Negros. All of his [[Wikipedia:Jughead Jones|jughead]] remarks, shit. Fuckin' Archie. That be like what [[Sonichu (comic)|your comic]] is like, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Well, I mean essentially, that would be what it would've been, but then I, then that, I kind of like lost track of when the trolls, the uh, the [[trolls]], [[Chris and English|the typos]], and then [[WeighIn|they weighed me, they weighed me down.]] And then they, then you know the expression, "too many cooks spoil the broth." Well, they used to get on my mind so much that they get, then I end up drawing them into my comic books, making them into villains, and yadda-yadda-yadda. They just, they just...and they just essentially just worsened my... most of my books. And then-
 '''Lars:''' Alright.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Originally-
 '''Lars:''' Alright.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Originally it was supposed to be like, you know, like ages 7 and up, but then I end up going to the content, uh, it could be considered, be like, be like definitely be considered adulterous. Even some, even some-
 '''Lars:''' Alright.
 '''Chris:''' Even some-
 '''Lars:''' I see.
 '''Chris:''' Even some [[nudes|naked]] things I had but I, I just up and did. You know.
 '''Lars:''' You ain't be drawing your comic because these, 'cause these white niggas what be hatin' on your work. They be drinkin' all that Haterade. That why you ain't be drawing. I see.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Aw shit, dog! That be why Jackie asked you to do the comic and shit! Shit, it all falls together now, the last puzzle piece in place. Cracka, you know if you stop that it means they win, right? Ya'll gots to get up on that comic and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I real, yeah, I really do need to get back to drawing more, drawing more p, drawing more comics and pages. But I just haven't been able to find the inspiration. They weighed me down so bad they just affe-, they just affected (?) me in the back of my mind and my subconscious.
 '''Lars:''' 'Em dog Jackie be telling me she thought she'd be your inspiration and shit. Ain't that the case and shit? What be goin' on then?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, she, yeah, she did-
 '''Lars:''' Jackie be all like...Jackie be all like "Aw shit, nigga!" That's what she said to me, she said "Aw shit, nigga! Why ain't Chris be drawin' no comic for me? Ain't I no inspiration and shit? Dayum!" And I'll be like "Damn, bitch! Go make me my steak dinner!" Bitch be ballin' and shit. Fuckin' smack a ho... shit keeps up. Why you ain't draw the comic and shit for her?
 '''Chris:''' Y-y-you can't, you can't exactly rush inspir- you can't exactly rush inspiration, for... uh... for one thing.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo! But ain't, ain't my bitch Jackie, ain't she give you the story and shit for this comic vidya?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, she gave me the idea of, like uh, for uh, for the, for uh, one dude who originally was definitely not original part of the comic scene, but then he did his [[parody]] against me, and uh, in his comic he portrayed killing me and, they're like getting to war (?) go against me and uh, even, even agreeing with this, even agreeing with this guy who pretends, who uh, pretends to be me and... (sigh). Just more, whole bunch of more shit right there. Anyway, what, anyway what she wanted me to throw him a--she wanted me to throw like a parade in a, in a, in a... in the comic, in my comic scene. And you know, like, you know, I mean he did what he did to me in his comics and I took it literally. It's like, you know, he fuckin', he fuckin' just shot, he fuckin' just, a whole bunch of bullet wounds in one go on my, on my, on myself. And I ain't gonna throw him a parade on that, on that, on that scene and whatnot.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo, I feel you angry an' shit, dog, I feel you furious an' shit. You furious at this nigga. An' I feel it. You know, dog-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Jackie be talkin' to me. Jackie be sayin', ain't the problem that you hate this nigga. Problem be, that you lie to her and tell her you gonna do it when you ain't mean to. What up with that, dog?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Long pause)'' Well, I have told her that I was eh-I would not be giving him a parade but she just insisted on that and she just, uh, and I would, I would say that she just, kind of like, got in her mind that, she thought that was that-I was definitely going to do that, even though-
 '''Lars:''' My shoulder, Jackie.
 '''Chris:''' Told her-
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, yo, yo dog, yo dog, my shoulder, Jackie. She be all like, she email you and ax you to do this video an' shit, an' then you email her back and say, "Yeah bitch, ain't no problem an' shit, I'll be doin' that." Ya'll ain't made no, no... no prov-ver-acations an' shit. Ya'll ain't made no provesations.
 '''Chris:''' Yes, well, I mean that, I told her I would, that I would draw her the pages, but I did not tell her that I was going to throw him- throw him a parade in the pages because I had said that I was not giving him a fucking parade.
 '''Lars:''' She said she wanted a parade an' shit, and then you write back saying you were gonna do it.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' I mean I feel her anger. I feel her righteousness and shit. Lie or omission, still be a fuckin' liar and shit. Ya'll dig, dog?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Man, y'all got anger and shit, and I feel that. I feel that, I really do and shit nigga, but y'all got to stand up to yo' woman and shit, damn! Woman be tellin' you to do shit, y'all ain't just be lyin' to her. You gots a problem wit' yo' woman, you ain't lie to her, then all you got's two problems. Ya dig?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' How often you get laid, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Uh... I'm sorry, what was that?
 '''Lars:''' How often you get laid? ''[[China|Pussy]].''
 '''Chris:''' How often-
 '''Lars:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' How often do I get laid?
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, when the last time you cut some trim and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Hm... I'm actually a [[Virgin with rage|virgin]].
 '''Lars:''' Aw, shit, dog. Explains that anger and shit. This be why you angry at them trolls.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah, among other things.
 '''Lars:''' Shit dog, see- See dog, you be lyin' to women and shit, they ain't like that. Man, you ain't wanna do what no woman tells you to do, you just tell her straight up to her face. Then you have her go make you a steak dinner and shit. But you ain't lie to her and shit. Shit ain't gangsta. Shit be straight busta.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I did tell her straight- I did tell her straight up that I was not gonna be throwing that- I was not gonna be throwin' him a fuckin' parade. I was not gonna draw him in a parade.
 '''Lars:''' ''(Talking over each other)'' Yo dog, I be looking at printouts and shit. Y'all know us niggas don't be doin' too well on the Internet, Jackie be printin' out printouts and shit for me. Yo I be lookin' at printouts and shit. And...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' In the email, she said, "Hey Chris, why don't y'all do that parade video for that, Alec... Alec Bason... Nigga, whatever his name is. Alec Bason Nigga. And then you say, "Sure Jackie, I'll be on that shit!" Y'all ain't make not protestations. why ain't y'all say nothing then?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Hm. Well-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all said you gonna do it. Ya'll not mean to do it. You feel me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, tommorow, to let you know, uh- This, it was essentially, in the replacement pages where I do not, uh, end up, I do not end up giving Alec a gory- and his crew, a gory demise, like I did originally. ''(Pause)'' I did not-
 '''Lars:''' Yo, bitch Jackie said to throw this nigga a parade. You say "a'ight, I'm a do that." Then you didn't. ''(Pause)'' You be lyin' to women and shit often, dog? This be why you still a virgin and shit?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Sigh)''
 '''Lars:''' Smellin' me, dog?
 '''Chris:''' No- No, it's... ''(Sigh)'' Well... Wait a minute, ''(Sigh)'' My brain- I gotta catch up my brain, here. Mm.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight. I feel that.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Long pause; some grunting heard while Chris catches up his brain)''
 '''Lars:''' ''(At Jackie:)'' Yo bitch don't burn that [[Wikipedia:Casserole|casserole]]! Fuckin' bitch.
 '''Chris:''' Well-
 '''Lars:''' Hold- Hold on.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah, you still there?
 '''Lars:''' Yeah. Yeah dog, I be here. I be wit' you.
 '''Chris:''' Alright. Alright, well. Well, I do not mean to, I did not mean to lie to her, but I did tell her straight up that I did not- That I had no intention of throwing that... Of throwing that dude a parade.
 '''Lars:''' Nah dog, I be lookin' at the emails, she said to throw him a parade, you say you gonna do it. You ain't say "I ain't throwin' a parade."
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah well I told- Yeah I mean I told her I did not wanna throw him- throw him- throw him a parade.
 '''Lars:''' When you tell her this shit, I ain't see this shit. When you tell her you ain't throwin' a parade? I need some help and shit, dog, I ain't feelin' where you at.
 '''Chris:''' Well, maybe uh...
 '''Lars:''' Gots ourselves a... discommunication.
 '''Chris:''' I- Yeah... I think it was discommunication.
 '''Lars:''' No I mean between us and shit dog, I ain't feeling where you at. 'Cause I see the emails and shit, she say throw a parade for the nigga. You say a'ight. But you ain't mean a'ight.
 '''Chris:''' Well, I said- Well I said alright in drawing the replacement pages.
 '''Lars:''' You said a'ight to the whole email though.
 '''Chris:''' But I did not-
 '''Lars:''' You ain't pick out bits and pieces, and say yes to this, and no to that. That's why I'm- I be confused, I be confuzzled and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah uh-
===Fueling the Fire (26:43 - 28:30)===
'''Lars:''' Yo, yo, dog, let me relate a cautionary tale an' shit. Shit, shit happened way back in Jackie an' I first relationship and shit. Man, bitch be all like, "Lars, you best be gettin' rid of them boats, lest I bounce and shit," and I be like, "A'ight, a'ight dog, I'll be gettin' ridda my boats and shit, shorty. Shit, you'll see and shit. Damn!" Then the bitch was like, "A'ight, you be gettin' rid of them boats, I don't wanna see no boats here in forty-eight hours." I'll be like, "A'ight." I ain't mean to get ridda them boats. I just went out and bought mo' boats. Shit, bitch was all like, "Lars, you need to lose boats. Y'all be like, addicted and shit. You need to stop buyin' boats and shit." I be like, "A'ight" every fuckin' time. Every fuckin' time. I just payin' the bitch [[Wikipedia:Lip service|lip service]] and shit. Soon enough, whole fuckin' house fulla boats and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' I ain't ever mean to get ridda them boats, I just keep buyin' more boats. Y'all ever had anything like that shit? Someone want you to get ridda somethin', you say "a'ight"? Then you don't, and you just keep gettin' more? Fuckin' addiction, and shit. Fueling the fire.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Be like slavery, fueling them flames of injustice and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Once you got that shit, can't stamp it out, and shit. Sheeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' ...Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all feel me, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I feel you. Hm. Alright well-
 '''Lars:''' Who my nigga?
 '''Chris:''' Alright well, anyway-
 '''Lars:''' Who my nigga? Whoa, whoa, dog. Who my nigga? Ya'll be my nigga, right?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be feelin' me.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I be feelin' ya.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah. Y'all be my nigga? Say it, dog. Say you my nigga.
 '''Chris:''' Alright... I'll be yo nigga.

===Never Gonna Give You Up (28:30 - 34:25)===
'''Lars:''' Sheeeit. Dog be righteous and shit, up in here. Be all gangsta and shit. Nigga, I ain't expect this shit, y'all an me. We be homies and shit. Damn. I ain't know why Jackie wanna get rid a yo ass. That's what I'm tryin'a find out an' shit. 'Cause I'm confuzzled. Might be this lyin' and shit, maybe that be why she all mad at you an' shit. Might be somethin' else, I dunno. Anything else? What's goin' on there? ''(Pause)'' How much y'all love Jackie and shit?
 '''Chris:''' How mu- I- I love- I love- I care and love Jackie a lot.
 '''Lars:''' How much? How much- you love her more than what? Put it into quantintative terms and shit. ''(Pause)'' I'll be like-
 '''Chris:''' Well-
 '''Lars:''' I'll be like- Every night, I be like, "Jackie, I love yo ass more'n the moon an' shit. I would throw away the moon an' shit, Death Star that shit! Fuck. Ain't need to tides an' shit. All I need's my Jackie." Feelin' me? Damn!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' What'd y'all give up for that bitch?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Well I mean, I'll give up- I mean I would give up most anything for... for Jackie and me to be together.
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, she ever ask... ax you to be givin' up shit for her? ''(Pause)'' She ask me to give away my boats and shit. I be all like, refusin' an' shit, first time around. Shit be what burned our relationship. That and the whole fetus thing. Shit. Bitch ain't never gonna let me live that shit down. Be all harpin' on me, every time she serve me dinner and shit. Suckin' my dick, all I hear be like ''(Does impression of Jackie's dick-muffled voice)'' "Lars, why you kill my baby?" Fuckin' bitch. Yo, dog, I be digressin' and shit. Y'all my nigga, y'all gots to be cuttin' me off when I do that. Ten to wax philosophical and shit. My bad. My bad. Let's go back to that question and shit. What y'all givin' up for Jackie? ''(Pause)'' Thinka she like [[Wikipedia:Lent|Lent]] and shit, what you givin' up?
 '''Chris:''' Well, I mean, If I had the moon I would give that up for her as well.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, I feel ya. Be all... poetical. Metaphorical and shit. Poetaphorical. Shit be romance, all [[Wikipedia:Hallmark Cards|Hallmark]] greetin' cards and shit. Bitches love that. Bitches be slobberin' all up on yo balls and dick when they hear that shit. Damn! ''(Pause)'' Practical terms, though, what y'all givin up for her? Like, like the metaphorical, I be givin' up the moon for the bitch. I ain't own the moon and shit. I ain't got no [[Wikipedia:Death Star|Death Star]]. Ain't no [[Wikipedia:Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|Empire]] gonna let no nigga in charge of a Death Star an' shit. Even that biggest galaxy nigga in the world, [[Wikipedia:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]] and shit, turned out to be pasty fuckin' white dude underneath. Shit. [[Wikipedia:Lando Calrissian|Lando Calrissian]], fuckin' [[Wikipedia:Uncle Tom|Uncle Tom]] and shit. Sellin' out a nigga to the Empire.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' What y'all givin' up? I gave up my boats.
 '''Chris:''' I actually, uh...
 '''Lars:''' I burned them boats!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Ashes to ashes. Swords to plowsheds and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I tell you what, I'd be givin' up, uh... all other- I be givin' up, uh... The planet- The, uh planet closest to the Sun for Jackie. Mercury.
 '''Lars:''' Shiiit, nigga. Ain't that shit be all [[Wikipedia:Dwarf planet|dwarf planet]] and shit now? They be cuttin' three inches off that planet's [[dick]] an' shit? Heard that shit back in [[2006]]. Fuck.
 '''Chris:''' No, you're thinkin' about- You're thinkin' of [[Wikipedia:Pluto (dwarf planet)|Pluto]], the planet that is ''farthest'' away from the Sun, this is the planet ''closest'' to the Sun.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, I see. I see. Yeah, Space be black an' shit, but don't let that confuzzle you an' shit. Ain't no nigga goin' up in space, I tell ya what. Fuckin'-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Man gonna keep a nigga down. Keep a nigga on the ground. Keep a nigga from flyin'. Keep a nigga from tryin'. Sheeeit. Got my finger on the trigger, niggas wonder why. Livin' in the city, it's do or die, nigga. Y'all feel me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' I know y'all feel me, y'all be my nigga an' shit. Who my nigga? Who my nigga, dog?
 '''Chris:''' I'm yo nigga.
 '''Lars:''' You're my nigga, dog. You're my nigga. A'ight, a'ight, a'ight, I feel you. Let's go back to the metaphorical, metafusical, question of the evening. Y'all be givin' up Mercury?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be givin up [[the Moon]]? Y'all be givin' up [[Wikipedia:Ceres (dwarf planet)|Ceres]] and shit? Fuckin' [[Wikipedia:Moons of Pluto|Nix and Hydra]], goddamn bullshit little moons. What else y'all givin' up? What practicalities and... reala-tala-calaties be you givin' up and shit? In the here and now, what be down here ain't no planet. What y'all givin' up for the bitch? ''(Pause)'' I would give up the Moon, and shit, and I'll give away Ceres, and [[Wikipedia:Proxima Centauri|Proxima Centauri]] and all that shit, but down here on the planet Earth, I be givin' away my boats and shit. Burnin' that shit. Put it to ash. Put them ashes on the mantle. Up on my fireplace and shit. Ain't got no ashes of my daddy, my daddy be fleein' me when I was a baby and shit. Ain't no black man can raise a baby, they all flee. So I ain't got my daddy's ashes. That ain't where he is. Y'all be my daddy for all I know. Shit. ''Man'', I be waxin' off again! You ever just wax off like that? Shit. Once you start, ya just can't stop. 'Til you pop. Fuckin' bullshit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Anyway dog, I be takin' up all the air time- The word time, dawg, you gots ta lay it down for me, what y'all givin' up for Jackie? I'll be shuttin' up now, I'll be shuttin' up now, y'all see your piece, y'all be righteous.
 '''Chris:''' Alright, the uh, the rea- In the reality...
 '''Lars:''' Right, dog.
 '''Chris:''' I'd be giving up my... video game time.

===The PS Triple Investment (34:25 - 48:15)===
'''Lars:''' Oh, y'all be gettin' rid a them vidya games and shit. Eh?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I got rid of the, I got rid of a lot of video games I've been hoarding over the years.
 '''Lars:''' That [[PS3|PS Triple]] an' shit? Damn. Shit be like [[Chris and money|800 dollars]] and shit, right? Shit be like a money sink. I feel ya dog, be good you be gettin' ridda that shit. How much 'fetti you get for that shit? Y'sell that shit off. yeah?
 '''Chris:''' ''([[stress]]ful pause)'' No, I have not, no- I have not sold my... PlayStation 3. And it ha- and I have invested a lot ''into'' it. Ever since I had it.
 '''Lars:''' Invested and shit? Y'all be like playin' stocks and shit? What y'all talkin' 'bout, "investin'"?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, it's just, you know... I downloaded a lot of stuff. On to it.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, dog, I be downloadin' a lotta boats and shit, too. Ain't see me keepin' no boats around, I be burnin' all my boats. Ain't no investment, be a curse and shit. Like a black hole. That be one a them astronomical things. Think [[Wikipedia:Pluto (dwarf planet)|Pluto]] gonna turn into a [[Wikipedia:Black hole|black hole]] 'cause it pissed off about bein' a [[Wikipedia:Dwarf planet|dwarf planet]]. Pluto be like, like a giant boat. Filled with (?) paint kits and shit. All that money.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all be givin' up them vidya games. Whoa-whoa-wait, wait, nigga. Nigga, nigga, nigga, my nigga.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all say you givin' up them vidya games, but y'all got no- Y'all got the PS Triple and shit, still.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that's another thing, I-
 '''Lars:''' I be confuzzled.
 '''Chris:''' That's another thing that, uh, kinda ticks me- It kinda ticks me off a bit, uh, I do not- I do not like it when... When uh, when the trolls, have been- You know, they pretty much seem to have started the trend of calling the PlayStation 3 a... "PS Triple". [[Chris and Hypocrisy|And I just do not- I just- That just rubs me the wrong way, man.]]
 '''Lars:''' Shit, dog. Why y'all ain't like that and shit? Just be a box fulla toys and shit, why y'all be defendin' the name and shit? I mean I feel ya, wantin' to defend the name, defend the honor, defend the honor of a honest woman and shit? Man, I be all up on that shit. Wanna be up that poon tang, you gotta be defendin' that honor and shit. Man, like my bitch, little Cubby, he be sayin' "Bitch, yo bitch be all bitch and shit,"
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I hear ya.
 '''Lars:''' I be like, "I'm a pop yo ass."
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be standin'- I be standin' up for... I be standin' up for my woman too, you know, I defendin' her from any- from anybody that comes upon her. Yeah, look-
 '''Lars:''' So y'all be defendin' your PS Triple like it be a woman and shit? I be confuzzled and shit.
 '''Chris:''' The PS... The PS Triple no woman, it just, it's just a... dang material possession. And the- and, and uh, and Jackie being the wonderful woman she is, and the wonderful person, very s- best person there is, you know... She's a lot more important than a dang ol' video game console. ''(Pause)'' But still, you know, after I invested a whole lot in there over the- over that- over that... my time I had it, it's like you know, I ain't gonna get that back and I'm certainly not gonna be able to get ''[indecipherable]'' for it. Face value.
 '''Lars:''' Ain't y'all gonna get Jackie and shit though? Ain't Jackie be worth more than a PS Triple and shit? Jackie cook a mean steak dinner and shit. All the fixins. Throw some [[Wikipedia:Grits|grits]] on there. Some [[Wikipedia:Starburst (confectionery)|Starburst]]. Little [[Wikipedia:Grape soda|grape soda]] on the side. Mmm-mmm-mmm!
 '''Chris:''' Yep. I tell ya, If I can't, uh, If I can't sell my PS Triple, I tell ya something else, I tell you, another thing I would definitely get rid of for Jackie, I'd get rid of a whole bunch of the, uh... [[Transformers]] I got.
 '''Lars:''' Why can't y'all get ridda that PS Triple though, dog? I- I ain't be feelin' it, I ain't be understandin' and shit. Y'all got my mind twisted and turned, with these phrases. I know y'all ain't mean it and shit, but I ain't be feelin' it. I need y'all help, dog. I be slow and shit, I ain't be figuring it out. Why ain't y'all give up that PS Triple and shit, dog? Worked hook, line and sinker with my boats.
 '''Chris:''' I downl- Listen, I downloaded over 4000 dollars worth of content and... at face value it's not gonna get me back 4000 dollars.
 '''Lars:''' Shiiit, dog! Ain't about the money and shit. Shit be about gettin' rid of addictions and shit. Y'know I how much I drop on boats and shit? Forty-five thousand dollars! I got like, six credit cards for that shit. Y'know how hard it is for a black man to get one credit card, I got six! Six, nigga. That's how dedicated I was to them fuckin' boats. That's how- them boats was my life, nigga. Them boats was my life! Sheeit. But I burned them boats, ain't get no money for that shit. That money be ''gone'', nigga. I got debts to pay off and shit. But I be an honest nigga now. I ain't lettin' no addiction control me. Why you ain't get rid a that PS Triple? I be feelin' Jackie, like, that's what she want.
 '''Chris:''' I- I- I- Lemme just- Just let me talk, here.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all go ahead, dog. I'm listenin'.
 '''Chris:''' Alright. Listen, I do not, I would not need to sell the console in order for me to not spend any more. I just- will just swear upon- Upon my [[Aunt Corrina]]'s grave. On that, and uh, my fam- On the life of myself and [[Barbara|my mom]] and [[Bob|my dad]]. Everybody in my family. And I will just not- I will not spend... Any- I will just not spend any more- ''[Audio gets fucked up here while Chris continues lying]'' -downloading for the P-
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, I hear ya.
 '''Chris:''' ''[Audio still messed up]''
 '''Lars:''' Ain't Jackie ask you to do that a while ago and shit? Ain't Jackie ask you to not spend on that a while ago, ain't that what she said? That what she be tellin' me. Ain't y'all still be spendin' and shit though?
 '''Chris:''' ''[Pause]'' I-
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, as a nigga that seen the worst of addictions, I gotta level wit' you, bro. Just ain't work that way, dog. Sheeeeeeit. Y'all go ahead, dog, y'all go ahead.
 '''Chris:''' Look, I mean, it just- it just had to be, uh... one that I would have- I would have to able- I just would have to be able to show it to her in person, you know. I treat- I treat her right. I would treat her right in person, and I would not be th- My money would be going all to- All towards her, and... Not on anything new that goes on the, uh, PS Triple.
 '''Lars:''' So you ain't been buyin' games for, like... How long, [[Jackie]] ask you that shit like... Months ago, and shit, right? You ain't been buying no games for all that time?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' I ain't been- I ain't buying no game for about a month. Buying no new games.
 '''Lars:''' "About a month"?
 '''Chris:''' Ain't gonna... Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' This... This be any games and shit, this be just that... That, what the fuck, Jackie- ''(Yells at Jackie)'' Yo bitch, what you call that? That... "PSN" shit? Fuckin'... what that stand for, "PS Nigga" and shit? Sheeeit. Gonna be a lawsuit up there at Sony, with this bitch. Y'all be spendin' money just on that? You don't be buying games at the... [[Wikipedia:Costco|Costco]] and shit? Buyin' them hard copies? ''(Pause)'' Don't lie to me, dog, don't lie to me.
 '''Chris:''' A bunch- a bunch-
 '''Lars:''' Dog, you be my nigga an' shit? You be my nigga?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' You be my nigga an' shit, don't be lyin' to me. Bros before hos, dog. We be tight, dog.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I-
 '''Lars:''' You be feelin', I be touchin'.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I ain't lyin'- I ain't lyin' to you. It's essentially, you know, the stuff I download from the PSN, there's no... uh, it- And the "N", by the way, it stands for "Network", "PlayStation Network".
 '''Lars:''' A'ight.
 '''Chris:''' But anyway, it's stuff that mostly- Stuff, mostly stuff that you just cannot f- You just cannot get on hard copy. There's no hard copy for mosta the stuff they got on there.
 '''Lars:''' But y'all still be buyin' shit. Y'all still be buyin' games on PSN.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah, y- Yeah, but, yeah it's like, uh- It's like, uh, world wide web, it's like, Internet thing, it's like... Alright. You- You know of [[IPods Down and Listen Up|iTunes]], right?
 '''Lars:''' "Internet"? Like the white folks' street corner and shit, yo dog I feel you. iTunes and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, iTunes, it-
 '''Lars:''' Be more like "WhiteTunes", with all that white color.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, iTunes or [[List of Chris's Rhapsody.com downloads|Rhapsody]] or Napster. Well, point is, you know, it's... It's uh, you know-
 '''Lars:''' So y'all be spendin' money and shit on this [[PSN]].
 '''Chris:''' [''pause''] Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' But ain't Jackie not want you to be doin' that shit though?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I will- And I promise her that I would not do that, and I have not been... doing that. ''(Pause)'' For about a month now.
 '''Lars:''' Bitch be tellin' me she up on that PS Nigga, she be lookin' at y'all... Y'all [[Facebook]] on that nigga. Shit, I ain't know. I ain't know this Internet shit. Internet be like space, ain't no nigga gonna up on that Internet neither. Fuckin' Man keepin' us down. Anyway... sheeit. Bitch be tellin' me she all up on that PS Nigga and she check your... Your trophies, and your accolades, and shit. Nigga be gettin' all new trophies for new games and shit, all through the month.
 '''Chris:''' Actually those were new trophies for games I had already- I already owned.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all be... Y'all be havin' game you ain't played for months, but you still buyin' shit? I feel that, I feel that, I was like that with my boats and shit, I be buyin' boats... I ain't even take 'em in the tub for... six months and shit. Nigga like his bubble bath with boats, no? Some times I have my favorite boats, sometimes I have my less favorite boats, sometimes I have my not favorite boats at all, nigga. I ain't even like them boats. So you and me, we be in the same boat and shit, y'feel me? ''Sheeeeeeeeeeit.'' Dawg, we be tight and shit. Y'all be up in my grill and shit. Y'all be... up in my 'fetti. ''(Awkward Pause)''
 '''Chris:''' I hear that.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight, a'ight, let me ax you then.
 '''Chris:''' Uh-huh.
 '''Lars:''' So Jackie, she be all bitchin' at you, she be all like, "Chris, I know you ain't be buyin' no boats, and... PSN nigga boats, and... PS Nigga games", and... she ain't want you buyin' none a that shit. A'ight? But then you go... you still gonna be playin' this shit. Yo bitch be all like, ain't want you, ain't want you playin' wit' yo boats and shit, yo PS boats. Shit be all addictive and shit, ya feel?
 '''Chris:''' [''pause''] Yeah... You have to forgive me for... things there, you kinda talk a little fast, and I'm just tryin' to- Just wanna make sure I'm able to understand you.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog, a'ight. You take your time and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but, we cool.
 '''Lars:''' Brovaries before ovaries, and shit. We cool. You take your time.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' You take your sweet time. [''pause'']
 '''Chris:''' Yeah bu-
 '''Lars:''' So what y'all thinka that? You need a clarification, and shit? A bifurcation? Y'all got, y'all be feelin' me, y'all be feelin my question.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Uh-
 '''Lars:''' So what y'all...
 '''Chris:''' Uh, I'm not really sure what the question is, though.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, I be, I'll be rephrasin' with the past parsable and shit. So my bitch Jackie, she be all like, "Chris, I ain't want you plain' none a them games, now." You be gettin' games up on that PS Nigga. You be playin' them games all day and night. Sheeeeit, addiction be all "spiral of doom" and shit. Ain't about just the money. It's about the ''tiiiime'', nigga. 'Bout the ''effort'', nigga. All that time an effort, go in to the volunteerin' and shit. Work at the hospital. Be a fuckin' hospice nurse and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Oh-
 '''Lars:''' I did that shit for nine months. Fuckin' made me a new man and shit. Watch a buncha old white people die? Sheeeeit. Ain't nothing feel better than that. All them old slave-owners and [[Wikipedia:Sharecropper|sharecroppers]] be droppin' like flies, and here Lars be. Lars McNulty. Sheeeit. That shit feel good, nigga.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, by the way-
 '''Lars:''' Watchin' white people die.
 '''Chris:''' It's like, you're asking me, you're- you're asking me, uh, why I be spending all my extra time playing video games instead of like, you know, goin' out, uh... to volunteer work or some- shi- or stuff like that.
 '''Lars:''' True dat, dog, true dat. You be feelin' me.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be feeling ya. Uh, but mostly, but mostly, uh, on the one point, it's like, I would not know where to look. And plus, you know, goin' out for a job, after all the, uh, after them trolls been weighing me down since November [[2007]], smearin' my name in the... [''Audio cuts out while Chris continues whining'']

===Fuck Tha Police (48:15 - 57:30)===
'''Lars:''' Sheeeeit. A'ight, a'ight, I feel ya. But, y'all know, dog, y'all know them background check and shit, just be for criminal shit. Now I know all about the criminality. I be a black man, I had a record since I was 8. Sheeit. Try'd to rob Starbucks with a [[Megatron pistol|fake gun]]. Nigga, y'all ever rob Starbucks, you best bring a real gun, nigga. Go whole hog on that shit. Ridin' that pagan justice into town and shit. Fuck. You spend any time in the joint, nigga?
 '''Chris:''' I ain't spent no time in no joint, man.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be lucky and shit, dog. No, no, y'all ain't be lucky and shit, y'all be white. That's what that shit is. A black man be like... turn 18, he go do two and a half in fuckin' C Block and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I-
 '''Lars:''' Taste a lotta maple syrup in that time. Anyway dog, I be- What I be sayin' to you and shit, that background check, they ain't gonna see no... No white niggas on the Internet makin' fun a your... Your [[Pokémon]] fanfiction and shit. Y'all feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeahhh, it- I feel you but-
 '''Lars:''' They ain't be holdin' that against you.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but they have a lot more than just the, making fun of the, uh... Pokémon fanfiction. They got a lot more than that, I mean they claim- I mean they claim me... They- They mis- The trolls, they be throwin' around those bad labels on me, like... a [[Pedofork|pedophile]].
 '''Lars:''' Nigga y'all be- Y'all be missin' my point though. Nigga, you ain't spend no time up in the joint. Your background check should be golden shit. Y'all ain't got no problems and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but th- Yeah. But also, th- I do have po- [[Chris and the law|I do have a police record on file, uh, for... Couple- For...]]
 '''Lars:''' Oh, word?
 '''Chris:''' Couple of offenses... Yeah, I had a couple of [[police]] records on file-
 '''Lars:''' You be fightin' The Man and shit? Sheeeeeit, tell me all about it, dog, what you be doin'?
 '''Chris:''' Uh...
 '''Lars:''' You be takin' down po-po? Fuckin' 5-0 and shit? What you got? I'll swap stories with you, and shit. You go first, though.
 '''Chris:''' It be essentially, uh, just... Havin' a bad time and disagreements and what-not. With th- With this, uh- With [[Michael Snyder|this... dude]], down over at The GAMe- Over at [[The GAMe PLACe|The GAMe and HOBBY PLACe]]. He just be havin' his own gripe against me, and lookin' for a way- Lookin' for an excuse to ban me from his store, and then, and then... Then he did, so he banned me from the store, he... But he never wanted me to come back, and then I come back like about a year later askin' him- askin' if I can come back and he don't let me come back and... So I leave and then I come back next year and then, uh... Same thing again except worse, he act- he actually gives me- actually puts um... Officially on police record! Don't want- He don't want me... Trespassing on th- He don't want me, y'know, um, being anywhere near that place.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog, I feel that.
 '''Chris:''' He just- He just be all, afraid of me and shit like that. And plus also, I have like, uh, I've had like, uh, past- Past accusations of quote-unquote "soliciting", when I was out in my early days of my [[Sweetheart Search]] lookin' for- Lookin' for a woman of my own, be usin' a [[sign]], like you know, I be like... "Current age year-old man, seek- lookin' for an 18-to-current-age-year-old woman! Be my sweetheart and junk!" And they be- They misinterpret that, they be thinkin' I be lookin' just for the- Just for the [[Sex|booty call]]! But no, I ain't lookin' just for the booty call, I'm lookin' for the long run, the emotional attachments and everythaaang! They just misinterp- They just misunderstand me, and they handcuff me and everythang, they came- They handcuff me a couple a times, they drag me around, and [[Get-Tar Region|they even dogpile on me one time]], rub my head on the carpet, I be bleedin' out- I been bleedin' out left side of my forehead that day! Put me in the dang- Put me in the dang cop car and I get offended by the ambulaaaance, where they see that blood stain... Blood-soaked stain! Heaaaad wouuund, from that carpet burn on the left side of my forehead there!
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, nigga, a'ight, nigga. You get down wit' y'all bad self. Sheeeeit. Badass, you be stickin' it to 5-0 and shit! Tresspassin' and shit. I see, I feel ya, I smell ya, dog. Y'all be tresspassin', be shootin' it off to them white niggas. Shiiit. So y'all be tresspassin' on the here nigga's property to be stickin' it to that man and shit. That be what I feelin'? That be what you doin', dig?
 '''Chris:''' [''pause''] Yeeeeeah.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, so you-
 '''Chris:''' You be feelin' me, dog.
 '''Lars:''' So you all go tresspassin' and shit, you know you ain't welcome and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be like, "Fuck dat shit, I own that store! I'm a go stick that place up and shit! I'm a fuckin' bust a cap in his ass!" Y'all be like, "I ain't gives no fuck about right and wrong and shit!" Nigga in the city, dog. Niggas wonder why.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be poppin- Yeah I be poppin' a- I'd be poppin' a cap in that- In that old- In that old [[Michael Snyder]] ass, I tell you what. It's like, if and I had me, if I had me a real life gun but I don't have a real life gun, though like you know, all I got is my, uh... All I got is my [[Slow-in-the-minds|slow-mind]] wit, and uh, not mu- Not much else going on there. So it's like I don't really have much of an offense, as much as a defense, dog. And I, but-
 '''Lars:''' Lemme ax you-
 '''Chris:''' The only option there is just to split.
 '''Lars:''' Let me ax you, dog-
 '''Chris:''' 'Til another thing, until I can actually go on the offense.
 '''Lars:''' Let me ax you, dog. So you gonna take some nigga, and you gonna say like, "Bitch, this nigga be goin' down and shit." And you pick this, you pick this nigga, this nigga at this... This game store and shit. Why you pick this nigga to pick a fight with and shit?
 '''Chris:''' He- He- He picked-
 '''Lars:''' What about this nigga?
 '''Chris:''' He picked a fight with me first, he just had his own griefs, he just had his own griefs, his own gripes and scares against me. He be thinkin' I be like... He be thinkin' like y'know, I know... He be havin' his own weird accusations against me, probably thinkin' that I w- He probably... Damn troll [[Niggos|niggers]] who... Who damn throw the label of pedophile on me and damn ol' buncha shit offa him. He be throwin' all them labels on me and just lookin' for a damn excuse to kick me out of that store and ban me forever and the he- And then... And then he did find a damn excuse and it damn happened and they called tresspassin' and everthiiing.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all, y'all be goin' on property when you know you ain't- It be someone elses property and shit, and you be like, "Fuck that, I ain't give a shit about right and wrong! I ain't give a shit about what someone else wants! I ain't give a shit about no other nigga's property, and personal reliability, and safe-ety.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah besides which-
 '''Lars:''' And personal responsibility.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah besides which that- That ain't really his store, he's just rentin' on- He's just rentin' on that location! They just been rentin' there for a long time! It ain't really his-
 '''Lars:''' So he be payin' his rent and shit. So it be his store and shit, then. You be all like, "Fuck dat shit, I ain't give a shit 'bout no other nigga's property. I'm a take what I want and fuck all y'all niggas." Shit, dog, I be feelin' that. That be my gangsta life, in my teenage years, back when I be eight and shit. I be all like goin' up in the stores, and be like "What, nigga? What, you gonna kick me out cuz I stealin' shit? Cuz I be yellin' at people? Cuz I be screamin' my head off? Sheeeit. Fuck that shit, nigga! I do what I want!" Be some [[Wikipedia:Maury Povich|Maury Povich]] up in here and shit. I feel ya, dog. You ain't gives no fucks.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeeeah.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah. Fuck that shit! Ain't give no shit if that be his store and what-not.
 '''Chris:''' Yeeeah.
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, so you say you have a weakness with the offense, but you be good with the defense and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' So let me ax you, some nigga come up in yo house and shit, and be all like, "Dude I wanna come up in here and shit." And y'all be like, "Shit, nigga. This be my house and shit, y'all ain't comin' up in here without no invitation and shit." And he be like, "''Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit'', nigga! I do what I want, I'm a call up on y'all house!" What ya'll gonna do? Some nigga come up in yo business.
 '''Chris:''' I ain't got no gun, I'll beat his ass, I'm pretty str- I'm very strong. I'd give him an ol' ''CLOP! CLOP! HIYA!''
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeit, dog, I feel that.
 '''Chris:''' If that be the case... But I'd make sure that I be cool, dog, y'know, I'd make sure I started that, like y'know, he'd throw the first punch, and if he throw the first punch and I- Then I de-fennnnd, and I throw- And then I throw- Then I would punch back in defense!
 '''Lars:''' Then y'all be throwin' a trespassin' notice and shit on him. Ain't that the truth, nigga. Ain't y'all be, y'all be saltin' the wounds and shit. Puttin' a criminality record upon this nigga. Ain't that what y'all gon' do, dog. Sheeeit. Now I ain't never filed no trespassin' notice on any nigga what started shit with me. See I be a black man and shit, so the police, if you ever call the police when you a black man? They come and shoot your ass. They ain't givin' no fucks. You be white and shit. You can use the system against the system and shit. Y'all see what I mean and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Yeeeah. I hear ya.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah. Say yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Whole buncha damn- Whole buncha the damn racism that they been got goin' on, but I ain't like that. I be respec- I have respect for my black man. And I have respect for you, man, 'cause we cool.

===One Big Gray Nigga (57:30 - 1:04:30) ===
'''Lars:''' Y'all be feelin' me, y'all my nigga and shit, dog. Sheeeeit. Nigga be Prime Time up in here, dog. Shit. Fuck. Damn!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, and in fact I enjoy- I the, uh, comedies- I enjoy the TV shows I get from the... From the black man, including [[Wikipedia:The Jeffersons|''The Jeffersons'']], and... [[Wikipedia:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]], and... [[Wikipedia:Sanford and Son|''Sanford and Son'']], all a' them. All them-
 '''Lars:''' ''Sanford and Son''???! Bitch, I know you ain't bring up ''Sanford and Son'', fuckin' sharecropper shit. Goddamn [[Wikipedia:Uncle Tom|Uncle Tom]] and shit. Sheeeit. Traitor to his race and shit, dog. All that spoon jockey [''?''] shit, [[Song for Jackie.MOV|blackface]]... [[Wikipedia:Bamboozled|''Bamboozled'']] and shit.
 '''Chris:''' I-
 '''Lars:''' All I see is sleepin' (?), that's what all that shit be. Fuck that shit, stereotypin' a nigga in a bad light and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Well, man I-
 '''Lars:''' Us niggas, we already got our trouble with the bad light and shit, 'cause we be all dark and shit. Ain't no light what can shine a good light on our dark skin and shit. Then you got the TV shows. Then you got the [[Wikipedia:HBO|H-B-O]] and shit. Fuckin' shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah well man, I don't mean, I- Yeah I don't mean to jump no jive, man, I just be givin' a few examples of some of the shows I see. But I watch- I watch other shows too, where they- where they make GOOD examples of the- Of the black man and the black woman.
 '''Lars:''' Four hundred years, dog.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Four hundred years of opression.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I-
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, know what I'm doin'? I'm holdin' up my fist in solidarity. Yo, nigga, hold up you fist for me.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' You holdin' up yo fist, dog? Hope y'all ain't smilin' and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I'm holdin' up my fist, man.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all ain't be smilin' and shit, right?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Niggas, we can't be smilin'. That takes away... the gravitas of what we can do. See-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be holdin'- I be holdin' up my f- I be holdin' up my fist in respect, dog. I-
 '''Lars:''' Yo, dog. Yo, dog, I feel you.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I hold it in respect.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight.
 '''Chris:''' We cool.
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, where all this shit come from? We be bulin' our- our ''velocity'' toward ''ferocity'' and toward ''audacity'' of hope and change and chope and shit. Fuckin' Big Bama's House up in here. A black nigga and a white nigga be mixin' and matchin', make ourselves one big gray nigga and shit. See what I doin', dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Fuckin' bridgin' the gaps of... Of ''inequality'', and ine- ''inequity'', and... ''ine-quali-equity'', and shit. Damn.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, dog, this shit be all about Jackie and shit, though, dog. Jackie be all like, glarin' daggers at me and shit. I be like, "Bitch, only daggers I wanna see from you are those two daggers on yo' chest and shit, now take off your top while you be makin' me my steak dinner!" Bitch be all like, "Sheeeit, I burned myself last time I do that, nigga. Y'all want burn scars on this body?" I be like "Hell no, dog, you already got that [[Wikipedia:Caesarean section|C-section]] scar from where I aborted that baby!" Sheeeit, bitch all scarred up and used up already. So let's get back to Jackie and shit. Now, Jackie ain't be happy wit' y'all and shit. And Jackie ain't sure if she be happy wit' me and shit. So we gots to figure out, and numerate, and enunciate exactly why the ''posivericating'' is happenin' with this shit. Why the bitch be mad at you, and why the bitch be mad at me? We figure this out, dog, we figure this out, nigga. Brovaries before ovaries, dawg, you feelin'?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I feel ya.
 '''Lars:''' So, bitch be all, like, you be lyin' to her and shit. And I feel that. I feel why she pissed about that shit. And as a advice, and... cautionary to you: Y'all ain't be lyin' to no bitch. Y'all can smack a bitch, y'all can punt a bitch, y'all be like "Bitch, I ain't doin' that shit" all up in her face and shit, but y'all ain't be lyin' to a bitch. 'Cause then the shit roll downhill. Shit be like a Hydra and shit, you cut one head off that bitch, two head grow back, you be lyin' to her. They catch you on that shit, they always do, nigga. Indeed! Sheeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' So, bitch be mad cuz you be lyin' to her. And bitch be mad cuz you ain't gettin' rid a that addiction and shit, y'all feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I feel ya, I tell you what, I- I'll make it right, I will make this right with Jackie, I tell you what, you tell her this from me too and I- and I'll promise it to you too, man, cuz we cool. I'll draw a parade for [[Alec]], and I'll make it like, you know, he was found innocent, like she wanted. I'll fix the pages and do it right for her.
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeit.
 '''Chris:''' I'll take care of that like, you know, within- within the next few days, and vid- and it'll be up, all colored and everything, be uploaded.
 '''Lars:''' Well shit, dog.
 '''Chris:''' I'll take care of that for her.
 '''Lars:''' Well shit, dog, shit, see now in the interest of camaraderie, and... niggaraderie, and all that shit. In the interest of all that shit, this gray nigga we be buildin', I gots to be honest wit' you.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Also, in the interest of not bein' hypocrital, and hippocratical, I ain't takin' no [[Wikipedia:Hippocratic Oath|Hippiocratical Oath]] and shit. Because I be tellin' you not to be lyin' to no bitches, so I ain't can't be lyin' to you and shit. Y'all fell me, dog? I gots to be honest wit' you.
 '''Chris:''' I feel you. Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, so, in the interest of honesty and total veracity, I must tell you that I am not a neutral party and shit. See, I burned my boats and shit 'cause I want Jackie back, dog. See? Bitch be all like, all up slobberin' on my dick and balls now, shit. Damn! See, I ain't be finna' gettin' ridda' my bitch, and shit. She be all like, ridin' my dick. She be all like, givin' me the oral play and shit. Fuckin' tongue action, finger play, y'all know that shit, sheeeeit. And the bitch be makin' me my steak dinner, 'cause I burned them boats. So, I ain't finna' be gettin' ridda' this bitch. I got a good bitch goin' here, y'all feel me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I feel you.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all might wanna try winnin' Jackie back. I wish y'all best luck in the world. Cuz see, a'ight, honestly, veracitously, I gots to admit to you, I do think, yo, we are bros, but we still be competin', you dig?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' And I do feel like I have the advantage on you. Cuz my dick be all ''four inches'' a straight goodness and shit. Fuckin' straight as a ramrod and shit! That's what call me in high school when I be ramroddin' bitches, they call me "Ramrod". Better than "nigger". Better than "[[Wikipedia:Jim (Huckleberry Finn)|Nigger Jim]]," that's what that shit they be callin' me, I be like "My name ain't Jim! Call me "Nigga Lars" and shit!" "Nigga Lars"? That shit fine. "Nigga McNulty"? That shit be fine too, but they call me "Nigger Jim"! Who da fuck this "Nigga Jim" be? I ain't know... sheeeit.
 '''Chris:''' That's- I tell ya, that's cool man, I praise you for being able to bang all them hos back in the high school days, I tell you what, I was [[naïve]] on the [[dating]] subject back in high school, I didn't even think about it, I mean I shoulda ask w- I shoulda asked a woman, I shoulda banged my own share of hos back in the day, but I didn't dawwwg, I just did not think of it! I was really slow, and I ev- and I even had a girl- I even had a girl crush back then. But then she done left me, she was out da- she was out dating with somebody else behind my back, I didn't even know about it. But she and I, we were tight!

===The Trail of Tears (1:04:30 - 107:50) ===
'''Lars:''' Shee-iiiiiiiiiiiiiit, dog! So what y'all gonna do to win Jackie heart back and shit? Y'all gonna burn that PS Triple and shit. See, see I'ma feelin' that, because that seem like, like the equalizer, and the numerizer and shit, that you all be pullin' to one-up my burnin' my boats and shit. See I be burnin' my addiction, y'all gots to burn your addiction too. Y'all ain't gots to do it literally. I know white people be afraid of fire and shit, I know white people fear fire. See us black folk, we like fire, 'cause we all be like livin' tribal in the Unga Bungas, in Africa and shit. We be usin' fire to keep tigers away and shit! Tigers, man, damn. Tigers be racists and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Well I feel you, man. I'm part [[Cherokee]].
 '''Lars:''' So, y'all got- Oh, dog, y'all part Cherokee? Y'all be part a them-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' Them red niggas and shit? Sheeeit, I feel that, dog, I ain't know that about you. Sheeeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Wikipedia:Trail of Tears|Trail of Tears]] is in my history.
 '''Lars:''' [''talking over Chris''] What [[Wikipedia:Native American gaming|casino]] you from?
 '''Chris:''' Uh... I'm sorry, I didn't understand that.
 '''Lars:''' Shit, all them Red Niggas, they be up in them casinos and shit. Ain't that right, dog? What casino you from? From that casino tribe-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah sound like a-
 '''Lars:''' From the Blackjack tribe? Whitejack tribe? The... Poker tribe? The Hold 'Em tribe? You from them-
 '''Chris:''' That just-
 '''Lars:''' Ain't got no tribes, y'all feelin' what I'm gettin' at.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I fe- Yeah I feel you, man, that's a- That's just a dang old stereotype, I'm not like one- I am not a Casino Ownah. I ain't no rich man. I mean, I di- I mean-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be unemployed and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, that-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all ain't be no Casino Nigga and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I ain't no Casi- I- I ain't no Casino Nigga. I mean, we be-
 '''Lars:''' See-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, my background, we be of the real- We be of the real Cherokee. From the Trail of Tears and all that. That's from my history.
 '''Lars:''' See dog, this be a perfect example of the injustice and inservitude and ingratuity of American history and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yep.
 '''Lars:''' See, the red niggas, they be all like, the casino niggas and shit. And then, you come along, and you ain't be... You ain't be havin' no job in no casino, you ain't be havin' no job and shit. You all just be, sittin' on your couch and shit, jobless. And that totally defies the stereotype of the common red nigga, see? So them sterotypes, they be bullshit, 'cause everyone knows your red niggas, they all be hard-workin' and [[Alcohol|sober]] and shit. Ain't no stereotypes say otherwise. I hear there is, I'll eat my hat I tell you what. Sheeeeit. Fuck. Anyway, dog, where we at- I be waxin philosophimorical again. Sheeit. We be talkin 'bout- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, dog, it comin' back to me. What y'all gonna be doin' to win Jackie, y'all gonna be ''metaphorically'' burnin' your PS Triple and shit. That be right, dog? Is that what y'all gonna do? I be wishin you luck, dog, I be wishin' you luck. I be wishin' you luck and shit, man. Y'know, I'll be ramroddin' Jackie every night and every day, but I respect you, like my nigga. You're my bro and shit. And I want you to get what you deserve and shit. You feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I feel ya.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all gonna be gettin' rid a that PS Triple and shit. [''long pause'']

===A Tale of Two PS Triples (1:07:50 - 1:17:45)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah [[Slow-in-the-minds|my mind be slow]]] and I be uncertain of... everything here. And I definitely... I definitely feel ya and I'm not gonna say that I'm better than you, I'm not gonna say no- I'm not gonna say that. I mean you be- I mean you are- You be a big man, you burned all your boats, dog. I tell you what. But I mean- I spend my mo- I spend my money, I ain't gonna get that much back. I ain't gonna- I ain't gonna just kill it all by burning the dang PS3 because I already di- I pretty much essentially did that. By, uh... Like, [[The MovingFoward videos|pretty much dismantling the previous one I had]], [[ItIsFinished.MOV|and then just running it over]] with [[Son-Chu|my car]], there be videos on the [[YouTube]] about that.
 '''Lars:''' Yo, yo, dog, I saw that shit, you just- You destructicated your PS Triple, and then you get a new one back like a day later and shit. Why y'all go get a new PS Triple and shit, dog? Why destroy it in the first place?
 '''Chris:''' I tried to destroy it, dog, because... Them tr- Because, them trolls, and Jackie knew about it as well, they be offering NINE THOUSAND dollars for footage of the destruction of that PS Triple. And my- And Jackie thought like, you know, I give them th- I give them the footage and the real deal- I give them the real deal footage and what-not, they give- They, the trolls, they- THE troll, he be givin' me back the- He be givin' me that money, I be buyin' me a new PS Triple, she be cool with that, but then it don't happen, he- He fall back on his word, he don't do it, even though there were plans of meetings and what-not, it didn't happen, there was no money! I was-
 '''Lars:''' Where y'all get that money then? If there be no money, where y'all get that new PS Triple and shit?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that be from my-
 '''Lars:''' I know all white folks be rich and shit, like at least moderately so and shit, but shiiit, you got that kinda cash around, you got that 'fetti? Where you get the money to buy that second PS Triple? That be like yo' Double PS Triple. Or yo' PS Double-Triple, if you will. Sheeeit. PS Triple-Double and shit. Where y'all get the money for that?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, that be where I sold the, uh, past- The older game consoles that I've hoarded over the years.
 '''Lars:''' So y'all go and destroy yo' PS Triple... Then like a day later y'all go and sell like every other game you got... So you can buy back... A PS Triple? [''pause''] Shit ain't gangsta, dog, why you be doin' that?
 '''Chris:''' It does a lot more than games, dog! Does movies, does music, does pictures! Does the Internet! I mean pretty much at this time, the only way that I'd be able to access my e-mail, and send and receive, from Jackie and everybody el- From everybody.
 '''Lars:''' Why ain't y'all buy a new computer?
 '''Chris:''' Because damn computer expensive. I mean if I had known that was gonna happen I-
 '''Lars:''' PS Triple be expensive, dog!
 '''Chris:''' If I had known that was gonna have happened... I mean it happened at months- It happened- Just happened a month before- A whole month before my computer decided to go and do what it did to me, and become practically unusable and considerably deaaaaad.
 '''Lars:''' Yo dog, ain't y'all computer be all broken and shit for a long time, though? Ain't you know you need a replacement and shit?
 '''Chris:''' No, because-
 '''Lars:''' Jackie be tellin' me that she heard some... Some call where you talked to that Alec Benson Nigga guy. I don't know this guy. You talked to him, and he be askin' you why you ain't do somethin' with your computer. I ain't know what. Why you ain't interneting or somethin'. Us black folk, we ain't know this Internet. He ask you that, why you ain't doin' this, and you said your computer be busted and shit. You tell him the same thing you tell Jackie like a year later. Why you ain't replace the computer in all that time, though? Y'all know the computer be busted, but y'all go and buy a PS Triple.
 '''Chris:''' Because the computer was working for me. It wasn't as busted as it was- As it had become a month later.
 '''Lars:''' But y'all didn't think ahead and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all knew the computer was on its last legs and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, my- Yeah, my bad, I did not think ahead. I thought things'd be cool, but then it turned out they weren't. It... Damn whole buncha twist of fate and everything. Be all up my ass.
 '''Lars:''' Nigga, nigga, nigga, let me give you a metaphorical illusion, if I will, if I may, if you will.
 '''Chris:''' It's cool.
 '''Lars:''' Now, picture your computer like... Like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga and shit. A'ight, now your computer be like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga. You know what kinda life expectancy a twenty-nine-year-old have on the streets? Zero point zero-zero-zero-four percent, to the power of twelve, to the oneth power. That shit be low and shit. So your computer, in a metaphorical sense, be like a nigga who be facin' his be three-oh and shit. And that nigga gonna get capped and shit, dog! Sheeeeeit. Ain't gonna be no fake gun bringin' up in the Starbucks next time. Nigga gonna get capped. Streets be a lottery and shit, dog. So that computer, y'all know that computer be like a twenty-nine-year-old nigga. See, that computer be functionating and pre-vericating and shit. Just like that twenty-nine-year-old nigga be, in the prime of his life with them ripplin' muscles and shit. But a cap gonna come outta mid air, and shot yo' fuckin' computer in the back of the head when he in line at the [[Wikipedia:Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits|Popeye's Chicken]]. And that be all she wrote, nigga. That be all she wrote. Ain't no [[Wikipedia:Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman|Dr. Quinn]] gonna save this nigga up in here, I tell ya what. Sheeeeeit. So that computer be on its last life, and y'all, y'all know that even though it fuctionin' fine today, that computer get a cap in its ass tomorrow. God gonna fire a cap in that computer's ass. And y'all be knowin' that, but y'all ain't replacin' that, but then y'all PS Triple die, because you killed it. You be murderin' that PS Triple, you be murderin' it in cold blood, like, like it be a nigga what wronged you, what didn't pay you your drug money and shit. So you kill that PS Triple, and then you all go and buy a new PS Triple the next day. But you got your computer here, which need to be replaced, your computer which you use to talk to Jackie. But you can't talk to Jackie no more. You just play your games. Y'all be feelin' me, dog?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I be feelin' ya.
 '''Lars:''' So you see, dog, see Jackie be mad because y'all- Y'all be takin' playin' vidya games over talkin' to a real life woman. Sheeeit. I feel her pain and shit. I feel her commissary and commissaratin' and shit. Ain't no PS Triple what got no poontang, I tell ya what. Sheeeeeeeit. Damn! So why y'all... Why y'all pick a PS Triple, over my Jackie Triple? Why y'all be doin' that?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Well... ''(Pause for stress)'' Now look, okay dog, I can- Uh... I will still be able to talk to Jacke through the email with the PS Triple, anyway... With the- AIM, uh... Anyway, I- Anyway, I be gettin' a new computer soon enough, and I be back to- I'll be able to talk to Jackie through AIM if, y'know, she'd be willing to.
 '''Lars:''' But lemme ax you, dog. Now, your PS Triple be gone, and "soon enough" means, like, a day. But, your computer, you means of communication with Jackie and shit, that be gone, but "soon enough", that amount to like months and shit. That be like the whole trimester of a pregnancy what pass by and shit. Shit, I ain't even let this much time pass by before I evacuated that fetus in her belly. Sheeeeeeeit. That be a bigger decision than any PS Triple, I tell you what.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Hmm...
 '''Lars:''' Why y'all go and replace the PS Triple, even though Jackie don't want you to have that addiction?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' It's an addiction that I will be able to... get over easily enough... when I actually have the woman nearby me. Why-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be-
 '''Chris:''' If I- Yeah, you know, I be havin' me- I'll be havin' the woman next to me, and I'd be treatin' her right, I'd be investing more time into her... Right next to me, instead of bein' over the Internet, because I ain't got no power over the Internet, really, Internet just don't work, I- I'm scared to go on the Internet, really, because of the damn trolls, it's real life and- It's real life or bust for me, dog.
 '''Lars:''' But... But dog, okay, dog, I be feelin' that. Them Internets, they be a scary place and shit, especially for a nigga. Sheeeeit. Ain't no fourth dimension and shit up on that Internet what no nigga like myself gonna walk up into, you feelin' me? Sheeit. Shit like a minefield and shit. Damn, dog. But Jackie, see, Jackie, she be all like, "Chris, I know you know I want you gettin' rid a that PS Triple and shit. Shit be like a black hole of addiction and shit, suckin' up your life." And see, what I don't get is why y'all ain't gettin' rid a that PS Triple, because that shit is no good for you. And you gettin' rid a that shit, even if Jackie ain't exist and shit, even if Jackie ain't up on my dick and shit, then you get rid of that PS Triple... You a born-again man. You a new man for gettin' rid a that shit. See, I burned my boats and shit before I even called Jackie, because I knew even if Jackie be all rejectin' me and shit, I'd be a new man for gettin' ridda my addiction. I be a strong man and shit. Show me your strength, nigga. Y'all be feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I feel you.
 '''Lars:''' Word, dawg. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.

===Downtism (1:17:45 - 1:23:05)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah... Uhh, alright listen, we be havin' a cool conversation, it's been good, um... Let me, uh, talk- Let me talk to Jackie for a little while.
 '''Lars:''' Let's see if that bitch be around. ''(Pretends to walk around)'' Yo bitch! Bitch, where you be at?! Now hold on, dog. Sheeeeit, where that bitch at? Hold on... Checkin' the kitchen and shit. Fuck, meatloaf only half-done and shit. Bitch can't even make a meatloaf and shit and steak and shit at the same time? Damn. Used up bitch, poontang and shit. What the- oh, the fuck that smell be? Aw, fuck- Bitch, I told you not to go to that [[Taco Bell]] and shit no more! Shit ain't gangsta! Sheeeit. ''(Back to Chris)'' Bitch be all like, makin' number two and shit right now, she ain't comin' out for a whiiile, let me tell ya that shit.
 '''Chris:''' Uh-ohhhh.
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeit, dawg.
 '''Chris:''' That be- I hear you.
 '''Lars:''' See now dog, y'all got to feel my pain and shit. See y'all just be hearin' about it, I gots to smell it and shit. Damn!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I hear ya- I get it, I- I can- I hear you, be all-
 '''Lars:''' Y'all know how strong the sense of smell on a nigga is? Y'all be a white nigga and shit, I be a black nigga. See us wide nostrils, we smell like five times what you smell and shit. See, my nostrils, that be like my PS Triple because it's triple the smell power of your... Your thin, white nostrils. Shit.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah well I hear you, dog, I know what- I know what crap smells like and how it comes out. ''(Clears throat)'' Excuse me.
 '''Lars:''' So why y'all ain't gonna get rid a that PS Triple for Jackie and shit? That be, that be my... confuzzlation and shit. ''(Pause)'' See, dog, y'all be like... Lemme put it how I see it, and then I'll wait for yo' responsification. See, all I see, is y'all be saying that y'all ain't gettin' rid a that PS Triple 'til Jackie be by your side and shit. See y'all be wantin' Jackie to be like, watchin' you, and to be like, houndin' you, and to ''substitutionalize'' for that PS Triple and shit. But y'all ain't wanna be gettin' rid a that shit just for yo' own damn self. ''(Pause)'' You feelin' me?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I feel you.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog. Righteous. Righteous and shit. See Jackie, Jackie be feelin' all hurt and shit 'cause y'all ain't wanna improve yourself. Y'all know how fleetin' life is and shit, nigga? Life be fleetin' and shit, even for a white nigga. White nigga can expect to live past 30. Black man can't, but a white man can.
 '''Chris:''' Hmm. Yeah. ''(Pause)''
 '''Lars:''' So why y'all ain't improvin' yourself, dog? ''(Pause)''
 '''Chris:''' To be honest, I- I really- To be honest... I just don't know. ''(Pause)'' It's pretty much, you know, I had my- My mind is so slow, and... It be- I just be fear of change, and... It just hard- It's just hard for- It's just really hard for me and my... Mental- And my mental capacity to... To go through a whole bunch of change so quickly.
 '''Lars:''' Ah, I see, cuz a that [[Autism|Downtism]] and shit.
 '''Chris:''' No it-
 '''Lars:''' I feel you, dog, I feel you.
 '''Chris:''' Uh-
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' The- It- Not Down syndrome, ''autism''.
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, yeah, the Downtism. That be what I- Yeah. Shit. Anyway, dog, so what y'all sayin' is, ya got ya vidya games, and Jackie, she be like a woman, with the poontang and shit, and a meatloaf and steak dinner, and y'all be afraid of that. Y'all stick wit' your video games, cuz that all ain't makes you afraid like a woman do.
 '''Chris:''' What- NO. I'm not- I am not afraid of a- I am not afraid of a woman.
 '''Lars:''' Y'all be like, y'all ain't wanna give up PS Triple for a woman though. ''(Awkward pause)''
 '''Chris:''' ''(Chris grunts. It's safe to speculate that he has shit himself by this point.)''
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Sigh)'', lemme think. ''(Chris thinks for like 30 seconds)''
 '''Lars:''' Nigga you gruntin' or some shit. Shit, dog, y'all be at Taco Bell and shit too, like my Jackie?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Umm... No, I- I did not go to Taco Bell today.
 '''Lars:''' Shit, what you eat, dog?
 '''Chris:''' I had- I had me a- I had me a [[McDonald's|fish fillet]] tonight.
 '''Lars:''' Shit... ain't no nigga be eatin' no fish. Y'all know us niggas be afraid of water and shit. Why y'all be gruntin', dog? Shit not be settlin' in your stomach and shit?
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Hm. ''(Long pause)'' I'unno.

===Remember Kenan & Kel? That was a fun show. (1:23:05 - 1:28:08)===
'''Lars:''' So dog, a'ight, a'ight, let's get back, let's get back. Why y'all... Y'all say you ain't afraid of no woman, and y'all want a woman, but... But yo' actions, and even what you just say to me now, show that you want a vidya game more than a woman. I GUESS I feel that shit, y'know what- I lost my virginity at the age of ten and a half. And ever since then I be all up in the poon tang. I be like a poon hound and shit. See I ain't play no vidya games since like, Atari, and shit. Shit be old school.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-
 '''Lars:''' Back then everything black and white, not just race politics, see? Y'feelin'?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. I feel you.
 '''Lars:''' So you know, dog, my first time be scary and shit, I only make that bitch cum like two and a half times. See I be all performance anxiety and shit, but I got through it. Y'all gots to be a MAN and shit. Man up. Y'all gots- Y'all be a man? Or y'all be a boy. What y'all be? ''(Pause while Chris decides)''
 '''Chris:''' I be a man.
 '''Lars:''' See dog, see what I'm feelin', and rightfully, righteously, ''rightatiously'' I should not be tellin' you this, because this hurts my chances and shit. But I will tell you in the interest of bros before hos, that if you got rid of that PS Triple, you got rid of it and you never buy another one, Jackie'd probably kick my black ass out the door and shit. You get rid a that PS Triple, I be out on the street, and Jackie be on your doorstep first thing tomorrow morning and shit. That's all the bitch talk about when she talk about you, is the PS Triple. "PS Triple this, PS Triple that." Well sometimes she talked about the lies and shit too, but mostly the PS Triple.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause)'' Yeah... I hear ya, it's- It's a lot. Alright, well- Listen, it's a bit late, and uh... I wanna be gettin' me a good night's- I wanna be gettin' me a good night's sleep. Cuz, you know, gonna be another day tomorrow.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog, a'ight, I feel you. Yo, yo, dog, yo dog. You know what I'm doin' right now? Now what I'm doin'?
 '''Chris:''' What?
 '''Lars:''' Holdin' up my fist, dog. Solidarity! Peace, dog.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Alright.
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeit. So y'all got your vidya games, Jackie- She be all up in that toilet, like another hour or two, shit... I'll tell her to wipe her ass and them come jump on my dick and shit. I'll be like all up in that poontang. Yo, I'll write you an email and shit, tell you all about that poon tang. And you write me an email tellin' me about y'all video games, that way we can exchange and learn from each other's culture, see 'cause I- I be like with a woman and shit, and I can tell you what that be like. And you be playin' vidya games, which I ain't familiar with, and then tell me what it be like to just be playin' video games in your room all day.
 '''Chris:''' ''(Pause, not getting it)'' Hm.
 '''Lars:''' See, we each have our diferent priorities. See, you want your video games and I want Jackie. I wanna be with Jackie. See dog- Dawg, dawg, dawg, now... I'll let you go soon, I'll let you go soon, cuz I know you tired and shit. I know white people like to go to bed before midnight. But let me ax you something, one more question real quick. I be your nigga and shit, you be my nigga. Y'all be honest and straightforward with me. Now-
 '''Chris:''' I be honest and straightforward.
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, a'ight, now y'all be sayin' to Jackie that you want Jackie and shit. Y'all be sayin' to everyone out there that you want Jackie.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Lars:''' More than anything. But the situation-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I want Jackie more than anything.
 '''Lars:''' The situation be like, you ain't givin' up no vidya games for her. Y'all just want your vidya game. So you can tell me, bro. Tell me, my nigga... Y'all really want Jackie or not? Or do y'all want your vidya games more than you actually want Jackie, if you want Jackie? You can be honest with me now-
 '''Chris:''' I want Jackie- I want Jackie and I want to be able to keep my video games.
 '''Lars:''' Sheeeeit, dog, that ain't always an option. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Or as we say in nigga culture, "Can't have your [[Wikipedia:Grape soda|grape soda]] and drink it too." Cuz see, black people don't eat cake. It's that devil food, it-
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I like- I like [[Wikipedia:Orange soft drink|orange soda]].
 '''Lars:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah, orange soda. That be what white people drink.
 '''Chris:''' You remember [[Wikipedia:Kenan & Kel|''Kenan & Kel'']]? That was a funny sh- That was a fun show.
 '''Lars:''' Who the fuck Kenan & Kel? That the nigga that owe me money? You tell that fuckin' nigga to give me my fifteen dolla'! You see that nigga? Sheeeit, fake nigga if ever there was one. Damn.
 '''Chris:''' No, I- I'm talking about the show that was on [[Wikipedia:Nickelodeon (TV channel)|Nickelodeon]].
 '''Lars:''' Nickel-lo... What the fuck do that be? That be one of them [[Wikipedia:Nickelodeon (movie theater)|nickel and dime theaters]] from the [[1920s]] and shit? Fuckin' [[Wikipedia:Flapper|flappers]] and shit, [[Homos|women with short hair]]? Sheeeeeeit.
 '''Chris:''' Yea- Alright, well I'll let you- Alright, well I'll let you go, it's been- It's been cool hangin' with ya. You my nigga- ''(Lars talks over Chris)''
 '''Lars:''' A'ight, dog, I'll talk to you soon. I'll talk to you soon, I'ma go fuck Jackie now. I'll talk to you soon, dog, we'll be in touch and shit. Nice meetin' you and shit.
 '''Chris:''' Okay. Yeah, alright.
 '''Lars:''' Goodnight, dawg.
 '''Chris:''' Goodnight.

==External links==
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFNyMfrTc_M&feature=related Listen On Youtube]
* [http://www.mediafire.com/?mzqbcbh007abn88 Download]
* [http://goo.gl/DbVDg Non-mediafire mirror]

[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Jackie Saga]]

Bagget

2010-12-11T10:43:26Z

Thundercunt:

[[Image:Bagget.jpg||thumb|Bagget with [[niggos|blackup]]]]
Police officer '''Marcus Baggett''' works for the Albemarle County Police Department, and is the "[[Jerkop]] of all Jerkops" who arrested Chris at the [[Get-Tar Region|Target]]. Not much is known about his personal life, but we do know he was commended by the local [[Wikipedia:Virginia House of Delegates|House of Delegates]] for his selfless commitment to public safety after stepping down from his squad car to rescue two people from a smoking restaurant, shortly before it erupted into flames, on 9 March [[2002]].<ref>http://leg1.state.va.us/cgi-bin/legp504.exe?031+ful+HJ620</ref> He later participated in the shooting of Colby Eppard on 1 [[January 2010]] after the 18-year-old nutjob stole a police car and shot at the [[jerkops]]. Baggett fired a [[Wikipedia:Spike strip|stinger]] to burst Eppard's tires, and subsequently fatally shot Eppard alongside several other Officers.<ref>[http://www.readthehook.com/stories/2010/02/25/COVER-eppard-authorites-duck-parents-d.aspx]</ref>

Naturally, despite his brave heroism, Chris goes to great lengths to demonize him, proving once and for all that [[Chris and his Ego|no matter the great deeds someone has done, if they inconvenience Chris in any way they're evil]]. When Chris was being arrested for being autistic, Chris found the situation humorous when he learned the jerkop's name, thinking how "Bagget" sounds a lot like "[[Homos|faggot]]". [[autism|Witty]].

==First encounter==
{{quotebox|"July 20, 2005: … I was at the new [[Get-Tar Region|Target store]], just hanging around, not bothering anyone. And, from out of the blue, these two [[Manajerks]] asked me to leave, because they said that I was loitering; I was [[Virgin with rage|NOT]]! I was there [[Love Quest|hoping to find an 18-23-year old, Boyfriend-Free girl]], like I usually do. Then, from out of the blue, after I told them off, they came back with two [[Jerkops]]! I was slightly intimidated, but mostly annoyed and [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|ready to strike back on them]]. They asked me to leave, and never return. I did not want to leave. I would have left peacefully, in fact, I was ready to go, but I had a prepared speech to say to them stupid Jerkops. And, during the middle of my speech, they chased me, pulled my [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|pants]], and [[Kick the autistic|pinned me to the floor]]. Five Jerkops dog-piled on me as I struggled to get free. A thousand pounds of [[Pickles|sausages]] on my [[Obesity|180 pound]] body was seriously a [[Semen|cut-off for my Breathing Flow]]. They handcuffed my wrists and legs, and they hog-tied me! Not only did I felt humiliated from being the [[Homos|victim]], but I was [[Fangs|angry]] at them! Not only for handcuffing me, but once again thwarting my efforts in trying to find a Boyfriend-Free Girl. They drove me to the county jail, but fortunately, they did not keep me there; I was released to my [[Bob Chandler|family]]. But now I have to go to [[Chris and the Law|court]] on July 29 at 9:00 AM at the Albemarle County Courthouse, close to the Downtown Mall. So now, I feel very miserable, sad, lonely and rejected. And, while I had the [[Sex toys|handcuffs]] on me, both my hands, mostly my right, were seriously cut off from blood flow, and they both felt numb. It was terrible. But my [[Barbara Chandler|mother]] and I are going to get back at them in court, in fact, I learned that the Jerkop who arrested me was called '''Bagget''' (that was the only thing about the situation that was hilarious; replace the “B” with an “F,” and you can see how [[Random-access humor|funny]] it was).|[[Christian Weston Chandler]], comic geinus.}}

You'd think that Chris would recall that BEFORE he said that ALL cops were good as long as they were wearing blue and black. However, because Bagget, a real police officer, arrested Chris (for completely legitimate reasons), he is suddenly not a TRUE and HONEST police officer. So, according to Chris, cops are only okay if they wear blue and black and don't try to arrest him for breaking the law.

==Fiction==
Bagget appeared in [[Sub-Episode 7]]. In the comic he is portrayed as the "Jerkop Daitenzen", a sort of strange evil Power Ranger, and a reference to ''[[Excel Saga]]''. He is in command of a great number of Jerkops, as well as a giant robot. [[Mary Lee Walsh]] seems to hold him in high regard. One of the more successful villains in the comic.

By recently [[Retroactive continuity in Sonichu|retconning]] his name as "'''Dagget'''", Chris has forever tarnished the precious childhood memories of old ''[[Wikipedia:The Angry Beavers|Angry Beavers]]'' fans.

==Sauces==
<references />

==See also==
{{Fan art}}
*[[Jerkops]]
*[[Get-Tar Region]]
*[[PVCCitizens]]
*[[Chris and the Law]]

{{Sonichu}}
[[Category:Real people who have appeared in Sonichu comics]]
[[Category:Villains]]

Darkbind Sonichu

2010-01-19T20:58:05Z

Thundercunt:

[[Image:081-Darkbind.jpg|130px|thumb|LET'S. GET. DANGEROUS.]]
[[Image:Sonichuballs.jpg|thumb|right|Darkbind cannot be deprived of his balls.]]
'''Darkbind''' (born 16 May 1985<ref>[http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Sonichu#Slaweel_and_Graduon_Entraps_Crystal.2FNaitsirch_Transforms http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Sonichu#Slaweel_and_Graduon_Entraps_Crystal.2FNaitsirch_Transforms]</ref>) is a [[Sonichu (species)|Sonichu]]. Darkbind is yet another purple recolor ([[Magi-Chan|as if we hadn't had one purple recolor as it is]]) who's [[homo|gay]]. The gayness of this recolor is even more justified by his faggy cape and especially his Sword of [[Fail]].

His humble origins are of complete mystery. He was probably created by the same [[rainbow]] that all of Chris's stupid recolors spewed out of. However, that raises the question of why [[Zelina Rosechu|his girlfriend]] is a princess. Who the hell would find a random furfag that got shat out of a rainbow and proclaim it princess of anything?

In Sonichu 10, it is revealed that Zelina and Darkbind are both part of the British Monarchy. The most inbred branch, obviously.

When Darkbind isn't wasting time helping his [[Christian Weston Chandler|creator]] fend off [[manajerk|mall security]], he's on a quest to find the seven [[Sonichu Balls]] so he can awaken his girlfriend. More so than most of the characters in the comic, he is apt to blurt out statements about balls. Given the sheer [[Homo|faggotry]] of his character design, is it really that surprising?

==Things Darkbind rips off==

* [[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic]]
* [[Pokemon|Pikachu]]
* [[Magi-Chan]] (See second sentence in the first paragraph of this article.)
* [[Wikipedia:Darkwing Duck|Darkwing Duck]] (The typeface for "Darkbind" is taken from the ''Darkwing Duck'' logo).
* [[Wikipedia:Link (The Legend of Zelda)|Link]] from [[Wikipedia:The Legend of Zelda|The Legend of Zelda series]] (The sword as well as "Bind" possibly being used as another word for "Link". Darkbind even refers to himself as "the Link that will save Princess Zelina Rosechu").

However, it can be argued that Darkbind Sonichu is simply a complete ripoff of the purple-haired, sword-wielding '''Future Trunks''' from [[Dragon Ball Z]].

==Sauces==
<references/>

==See Also==
* [[Clawdorf]] - Darkbind's arch nemesis (though he's only actually ever appeared as a silhouette in a flashback).
* [[Zelina Rosechu]]
* [[Magi-Chan]]
* [[Lolisa Rosechu]]
* [[Sonichu Balls]]

{{Sonichu}}

[[Category: Characters]]
[[Category:Things Chris has ripped off]]

Emily Date Conversation Transcript

2010-01-12T05:55:40Z

Thundercunt: /* In which Chris impersonates Donald Duck (32:01 - 33:07) */

In [[March 2009]], [[Chris]] went on his first, and only date ever with a [[troll]] called [[Emily]]. For posterity's sake, the event was recorded, and is now presented in text format for your enjoyment, here.

The voices heard in the recording are that of an elite crack team of courageous trolls and trollettes.

==The cast in order of appearance==
 '''Frosty:''' Wiz-kid and all around brainiac. His high-tech know-how keeps the group online.
 '''Camera Whore:''' Friend of Emily, this perverse gal's mission was to capture video evidence of the event.
 '''Emily:''' Queen of trolls! She risked both life and limb on a dangerous mission into the heart of darkness.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Brave and daring hero! He protects Emily from certain peril and inflicts permanent stress and emotional damage upon all who would harm her.
 '''Chris:''' Misshapen manchild, whose disgusting nature even seeps into the very recording of his voice. Will his evil plan to touch Emily inappropriately succeed? Tune in to find out!
 '''Bob:''' [[Bob Chandler|Robert "Bob" Franklin Chandler]], a proud Internet lumberjack yet slave of the Manchild. Bob is bound by law and duty to the horrible beast. Every moment of his last days are being spent catering for Chris-chan's sadistic whims. A sad shell of what once was a great man, now he only waits, and prays for mercy from his foul captor.

==Transcript==
Inside, a multitude of voices echo around the cavernous mall. We hear our heroes' voices over the din of the shoppers.

===Setup (0:00 - 3:10)===

As the recording begins, we hear the technician, "Frosty" arming Emily's mic, cleverly disguised as a third nipple.

 '''Frosty:''' Okay. lock it. Okay it-
 '''Camera Whore:''' Are you wearing a thong? Is that a-
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Camera Whore:''' That better be fucking tight. (Talking about the recorder/thong)
 '''Emily:''' It's tight.
 '''Camera Whore:''' That might pop out while you're walking and it'll be like- 
 '''Emily:''' I should be like-
 '''Camera Whore:''' A robotic vagina- *laughing*
 '''Emily:''' I should be like- *laughing*
 '''Camera Whore:''' Say "It's my vibrator"
 '''Emily:''' *laughing*
 '''Camera Whore:''' It's one of those things you see tapped to those- those hentai-
 '''Frosty:''' Well the thing is Chris said in the script(?) he would squeal
 '''Emily:''' *laughing* UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF
 '''Emily:''' Okay, if he get's like way too close to me, I'm just gonna be like scoot my chair farther away
 '''Camera Whore:''' (indistinct) I really like if... (indistinct)
 '''Pickle Man:''' *laughing* Maybe Barb will come
 '''Emily:''' Probably shouldn't leave the house anymore
 '''Pickle Man:''' No, if (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' *laughs*
 '''Pickle Man:''' (Pickle Man continues indistinct)
 '''Frosty:''' There are Barb candidates everywhere (Talking about the free roaming hambeasts that populate the mall)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Nononono but but in all probability there should be no Barb, if there is Barb I will shit myself
 '''Emily:''' If there is Barb, we're done.
 '''Camera Whore:''' We're not showing up
 '''Frosty:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Frosty:''' (Mockingly) "You brought your Mommy?"
 '''Emily:''' I should be like, "No put that shit in the bag, and we're not doing anything today"
 '''Frosty:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' That's it.
 '''Camera Whore:''' And you can like, call him and be like "You owe me a dire apology and you're a jack off"
 '''Emily:''' No I'm going- I'm going to yell at him, and make him cry
 '''Frosty:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' and be like, "I'm going to live in Clyde's playboy mansion."
 '''Pickle Man:''' (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
 '''Emily:''' *laughs*
 '''Camera Whore:''' I'm part of Clyde's playboy mansion
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Camera Whore:''' *Despondent* I'm the janitor

 They all laugh

 '''Emily:''' Okay, let's go see if he's there.
 '''Camera Whore:''' ''You'' go see if he's there
 '''Emily:''' NO! Cause it's- Cause he's- Cause I'm gona make an entrance like: ''HAIIII!''
 '''Pickle Man:''' (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
 '''Emily:''' No. he wants to meet in front of Chick-Fil-A, so..
 '''Camera Whore:''' Figures... but the general idea would be you park near where you want to go
 '''Emily:''' *Chuckles*
 '''Camera Whore:''' (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' *laughs*
 '''Camera Whore:''' (Speaks indistinctly)Did you see those (indistinct) where it kind of looks like a penis?
 '''Camera Whore:''' Right here
 '''Emily:''' Oh *laughs*
 '''Camera Whore:''' It's a fucking penis

 A slight pause while something happens, presumably involving the penis shaped object

 '''Camera Whore:''' Nope
 '''Emily:''' *Disappointed*Oh
 '''Emily:'''*Sigh*
 '''Camera Whore:''' *Sigh*

 An uneasy silence falls.

 '''Camera Whore:''' There's that ugly bitch that looks like Hamster Girl(indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' *Chuckles*
 '''Camera Whore:''' She ''looks'' like Hamster Girl, right there
 '''Camera Whore:'''(Speaking To Pickle Man) Is that the only one you can see working?
 '''Pickle Man:''' (indistinct) over by Starbucks? You should (indistinct)
 '''Camera Whore:''' Nonono she looks like Hamster Girl
 '''Pickle Man:''' (indistinct)
 '''Camera Whore:''' Don't she have no hair? oh she has a- (indistinct)
 '''Pickle Man:''' No, she has hair. She has her hair back like this:
 '''Camera Whore:''' Oh yeah, I knew that
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Camera Whore:''' I was gonna say, I donno, cause I guess she dyed her hair blond. Cause I remember seeing her in some ugly strange colored hair

===Target Spotted (3:11 - 4:46)===

Suddenly, the festive mood changes to dread as Chris appears, in full stalker regalia.

 '''Frosty:'''(Noticing Chris)There he is!
 '''Emily:''' (Panicking) Wut!
 '''Frosty:''' In the jacket
 '''Emily:''' (Panicking) omygod EJECT omygod! (as the realization of what is about to happen sets in)

 Many voices here, possibly more than the four that were speaking in previously "In the jacket" "There he is".

 '''Frosty:''' Are you ready?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah I'm ready. *Nervous laugh/cry* This is going to be my best acting moment ever.
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, Don't like, look, cause she has to get down first.
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Frosty:''' He'll realize later, that's what it was.
 '''Camera Whore:''' I don't feel bad
 '''Emily:''' Okay, but if he like, won't come around and-(interrupted) Huh? I don't have my phone.

 There is a short silence as everyone is overcome by the aura of the approaching manchild

 '''Emily:''' (Nervously, under her breath) Oh my God....

 Another pause.

 '''Emily:''' If this is going to goes all smoothly, I should get like...(trails off)
 '''Pickle Man:''' Where do I sit?
 '''Emily:''' Umm, there's some benches like by the table... oh, oh, oh no.
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Emily:''' Okay, there's some benches like nearby...
 '''Pickle Man:''' Yeah?
 '''Emily:''' Umm, just sit and watch them, talk and eat, then go change or whatever.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Well, okay. I (indistict)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Pickle Man:''' Okay. I (indistict)
 '''Emily:''' *Takes a deep breath* Yeah.

 Emily begins to slowly walk twards her impending date with destiny as she gives instructions to the Pickle Man

 '''Emily:''' or just kind of walk around and see if you can see us.

===The Date Begins (4:47 - 7:17)===

 Emily parts with the Pickle Man and advances on the table. The hesitation in her step is audible, but she marches on, straight into the lions den.
 At 5:21 Emily contacts the target.

 '''Emily:''' ''[with tinge of disgust] Hi''...
 '''Chris:''' Are you Emily?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, I'm Emily... So nice to meet you.
 '''Chris:''' Hi Emily this is mah father Robert
 '''Bob:''' (Cheerfully) Hello!
 '''Emily:''' Hello

 A slight pause while they presumably shake hands

 '''Emily:''' I've started shopping a little bit.
 '''Chris:''' thas alright
 '''Bob:''' You're from West Virgina?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, I use to live here for a while but then I-
 '''Chris:''' *interrupts with a single word* HAT!
 '''Emily:''' But then I moved to...
 '''Chris:''' *interrupts a second time* NEAT HAT!
 '''Emily:''' Yeah I thought you might like it.
 '''Chris:''' *laughs, amused by himself* heh heh
 '''Bob:''' You go to school over there?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, University of West Virgina, My friend -uh, wanted to go to school there and she's my best friend, so I have to go with her everywhere. *slightly nervous laugh*
 '''Bob:''' [cheerfully] That sounds like the best way to do things!
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' *Butts in awkwardly* yeah hey Emily, do you mind a photo of you and me together?
 '''Emily:''' [genuinely excited] Sure!

 There is a short pause and Bob says something, it would seem a picture is taken.

 '''Bob:''' What are you taking?
 '''Emily:''' I'm doing journalism.
 '''Bob:''' [hard of hearing) Wha?
 '''Emily:''' Journalism.
 '''Bob:''' [teasingly] Journalism? Oh, you're going to be a writer!
 '''Emily:''' Yeah! [giggles girlishly]
 '''Emily:''' I did a lot-
 '''Bob:''' He [Chris] has a [[Cole Smithey|half brother]], who's.... Who lives in New York City and uh... does Freelance Writing and Show Review and things... for newspapers and magazines.
 '''Emily:''' Is it- Does he love it?
 '''Bob:''' I guess...
 '''Emily:''' *Giggles girlishly again*
 '''Bob:''' I haven't talked to him in years...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' *mumbles something under his breath* You haven't said anything about me, before.

 They take a few steps, and an extraordinarily unconformable silence falls.

 '''Bob:''' You know thats- I worked at uhh- I'm an engineer and engineers never learn how to spell.
 '''Emily:''' *Giggles girlishly yet again*
 '''Bob:''' I think very logically but I-
 '''Chris:''' *interrupts yet again* SHOOT! I got bad batteries in the camera.
 '''Emily:''' *Moans with disappointment*
 '''Bob:''' (Continues)If I would- If would write anything, half the words would be phonetically rather than the way we're suppose to.
 '''Emily:''' *laughs again, a little less enthusiastically*
 '''Bob:''' (Continues)I got along fine... writing stuff on my word processor... when I had spell check
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' (Continues)but I don't do that no more

 Bob emits a dry, finely-aged, man cackle. Chris is strangely quiet.

 '''Emily:''' Did you like doing engineering?
 '''Bob:''' Well, I had a really unique situation...

===About Bob (7:18 - 16:45)===

Bob Pauses, and seems to weigh what he is about to say next

 '''Bob:''' Look, uh... I'ma-I'm really old
 '''Emily:''' *laughs nervously*
 '''Bob:''' Okay, so- cause I'm 81 and I came along before transistors.
 '''Emily:''' *nods attentively* mm-hmm?
 '''Bob:''' (inaudible)the stuff we had now, but even before then. This is when we had vacuum tubes. And I uh... got drafted after World War II. That's how old-but uh... They put me in the Signal Corps and they knew things I didn't know. They taught me how to install valve systems and switchboard and telephone (Inaudible). So I found out, yeah, I'm pretty good at that. So when I got out.. course that was in 1947... found out now- I know we had a deflation economy, I didn't know it then- Couldn't get a job, So I thought "Well, I got the G.I. Bill. I'll go to school." 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, now it's really hard to become an engineer
 '''Bob:''' Eh, now ya- I, uh- I went to a State Union College(?) to start with cause I had the philosophy, that if I went to a big school I'd be just... swallowed up
 '''Emily:''' Yeah
 '''Bob:''' So I went to a small school and took Pre-Engineering for two years and that was the best thing I ever did. Cause I wound up... well- I got through my two years of Pre-Engineering in small classes.
 '''Emily:''' *nods attentively* mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And also I loved music, and I was in this band and everything. And I got the chance to learn a lot about music while I was there. And then I went to Alburn and it was- talk about getting swallowed up
 '''Emily:''' *Laughs Nervously*
 '''Bob:''' Then- At that time Alburn, which now has like thirty thousand students, or something. Alburn had about five thousand students. I got my engineering degree. And then when I got out, I said: "I'll, uh, I can do anything with relays and telephones and valve systems, and (another item, indistinct). I'm gonna work for Western Electric;-"
 '''Emily:''' *interjecting her agreement* mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' "That seems logical...(cut off by Chris).
 '''Chris:''' *Interrupting, yet again* Yeah! Hey! No, you listen to my father. Because he's something; Because I get some of my intelligence from him.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Especially my tend-o-logical *phonetic spelling* intelligence.
 '''Bob:'''*Ignoring Chris' comments* But anyway, I, uh, I went to work for them for forty years, and, uh, at that point in time... (Pause) uh, This is even before the (indistinct), the I.C.B-(Emily laughs again, drowning him out). Before the Korean War, and, uh, but, I-I found out they were building radar systems. Well that was fine, but I thought they had lots of available money, and they wanted to automatic (indistinct). At that time, nothing was automatic. They had none.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' So, that's what I come and build 'em. (Indistinct) what I learned in the army.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' I started working with the first automatic (death storm?), that we ever made. And then GE heard about it, and they came down to help them with the (boat?), in North Carolina. And the GE came down, they offered me a job up in upstate New York. Cold country in Utica.
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs at what Bob said)
 '''Bob:''' And, uh, I went down to build the automatic (indistinct).
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:'''Nobody knows how, because we haven't done it before.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:'''We found something with automatic (indistinct), down here. Why don't you come up there? Well, okay. So, I went up there, for three years, and helped develop the, uh, automatic (indistinct) but I got, I was a soldier (indistinct) 'cause I was born in Texas and raised in Alabama.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' And then I was in North Carolina, first. And then I hit upstate New York, and I froze to death.(Chuckles)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, that would be really differ-eh-eh-heh-heh-heh. (Emily laughingly responds)
 '''Bob:''' After three years, I said: "I'm going back to (indistinct)GE. I didn't know it then, but I had a real natural draw to the mountains.
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And I knew about (indistinct) So, I wanted to come back to (indistinct). See, we have plants there...and them there plants specialized in industrial automation. Except, they hadn't done any automation yet. They were just industrial controlled. So, I finagled a transfer back to (indistinct) and I got there just at the time, when they were startin' to make any kind of automation controls. So, I got into what they call "a new business area." And I got to do all the great things. All my, I-I really had it right. I was in the right places, at the right time.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. (Giggles Girlishly)
 '''Bob:'''Because, I am very logically inclined.
 '''Emily:''' That doesn't really happen these days, with the economy.
 '''Bob:'''Yeah. I'm a logician. Oddly enough, I never learned how a transistor even works on (records?). But, I use em' all the time.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:'''I use 'em. I'm retired now, long time. But when I started out with this group, and the first thing we got into was trying to automate a steel mill, for rolling (painted?) steel for your cars. And when we did that,and then I got into how to roll papers so you could get Kleenex.
 '''Emily:''' (More Girlish Giggling)
 '''Chris:''' And, of course you know, that he's the guy that designed the controls for all the plastic water machines! (Bob starts to say something, but Chris plows right along.) So, without him at this time, you couldn't have the plastic through your glasses.
 '''Bob:''' And-and then then I got into (indistinct), you know? We could do the first one, and then somebody else would take over and do the others.
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And then I got into (managing?) a paper mill. And then I got into the...industry of-of, uh, like (low-line?) warehousing, automatic transition, like BART. Bay Area Rapid Transit.
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' Automatic railroads, and all that kind of stuff. Automated a bunch of that, then I got into automating a bunch of (mine horses?), around the world.
 '''Emily:''' You've been through a lot!
 '''Bob:''' And the I went to do the automating of tanker ships, so you could run 'em from the bridge, and have nobody downstairs.
 '''Emily:''' (Even More Girlish Giggling)
 '''Bob:''' Just someone else involved-

Unable to hold his tongue any longer, Chris cuts off his father and leaps into the conversation. He then breathes noisily and asks Emily:

 '''Chris:''' Want some water?
 '''Emily:''' No, thank-you.
 '''Bob:''' And, uh, then, uh, then, um, I got into...I developed (indistinct). I found out that there were very few people like me, in the world, who had this natural inclination for logic. Anyway, like the ands, and ors, and the what if's, and the what if's.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:'''And then that developed because (indistinct).
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh.
 '''Bob:''' Hardware oriented (Y2k pile of junk. ???)
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' Similar fortune was in hardware. 
 '''Chris:''' (Indistinct, Sounds like: Here pretty lid, here.)
 '''Emily:''' (To Bob) Oh, okay. (To Chris) Oh, thank you.

Bob starts speaking, but Chris talks over him, making what they say incomprehensible. It seems that Bob is continuing with his life's story, and that Chris is complimenting Emily.

 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) Thank you.
 '''Bob:''' -One of my neighbors was in the Navy too,but I was lazy
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' -was to right down on paper, and design on paper right from the start (indistinct) a sequence of parallel lines.
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And up to that point, nobody had a way of writing it down on paper.
 '''Emily:''' (Unsuccessfully attempts to stifle a laugh)
 '''Bob:''' They still don't! (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' yeah.
 '''Bob:''' But that hadn't come to mind, I designed the (mine-hose component?) Elevator (indistinct) 5000 ft hole.
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' Then I got into, uh, designing scooter machines, which fused, um, plastic around wires, and things like that.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' --Scooters. And then I got into die cast machines, and the machines automating them. They make things like carburetors, and cans, and whatever. And then I got into plastics (indistinct) automating their machines. In the process, I ended up with a patent, in my name, that they own. (Indistinct) And I saw the first two liter Coke bottle (Emily Chortles) come off the line in England. (indistinct) shutters, and stuff like that, made out of plastic. All this stuff we got plastic.
 '''Chris:''' Like your frames!
 '''Emily:''' Yep!(Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' Including, uh, Tupperware.
 '''Emily:''' (Uncertainly) Can't...go without Tupperware.
 '''Bob:''' No, and that's why I (Indistinct) finalized and perfected, basically, this whole polar (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' design, and documentation. It came time for me to retire. And so, I did!
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs)
 '''Bob:''' And now I'm inundated, with all this stuff I did, and I don't know if I did the world a good thing, or not.
 '''Emily:''' (Jumping to Bob's defence) I think you did! You did a lot of things.
 '''Bob:''' But I can't, I can't spell the word "CAT," without a "K" in it.
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) (Writing Emily's lines is a breeze. You just have to copy and paste the same four responses over and over again.)
 '''Chris:''' Aw, yeah, well you know, I'm proud of him, anyway, for his accompliment, accom-PLISH-ments.
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh
 '''Bob:''' (Referring to Chris) He's got a half-brother who (Indistinct)-
 '''Chris:''' (Referring to the parentage of the fore-mentioned half-brother) His son.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, okay.
 '''Bob:''' and he's got a, I have a daughter (Indistinct) Phi Beta Kappa, out of UVA.
 '''Emily:''' Oh.
 '''Bob:''' She's working for the government. She's got a PHD, now. She's working somewhere for the federal government, all those math people. I dunno.

===Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)===

 '''Emily:''' I'm not very good at math. (Girlishly Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' I'm not that-I'm good at logic, but not at math.
 '''Chris:''' I'm good at math!
 '''Bob:''' He's not good at math, when it comes to managing money.
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs)
 '''Chris:''' Hey, look it! I have YOUR plastic lid on it!

Chris and Emily share a giggle over the humor of this statement.

 '''Bob:''' We've been working with him, now, for twenty seven years. (It was a job/challenge?) Most of the time, I've been retired, so I could (coach him?).
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, usually if you're not very good at math, you're really good at writing, which is why I'm going for journalism.
 '''Bob:''' Well, uh, I uh do alright with writing as long as I got spell check. 
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' I just, uh, I enjoyed my life it, uh I-I had things, I had opportunities most people don’t get. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' I’ve got to see all the stuff (Indistinct) 
 '''Emily:''' That’s gooood, I hope that I can travel all around the world and you know, write in journalism..like overseas.
 '''Bob:''' I’ve been to Australia, I’ve been to Korea, I've been to England, most people that I know have never been to (Indistinct) so they write(?) for a living
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' (Indistinct) I wish I could get find out what good he can do though he’s pretty good in drawing
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' -and writing
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, she-she-she you-you should know, you’ve seen a bunch ah my artwork. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah it’s really good! All-all my friends like it as well. 
 '''Bob:''' He’s creative, but he’s uh , I-I guess you know he’s high functioning autistic and, uh-
 '''Chris''' and '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' At six he couldn’t even talk but he was programming(?) (indistinct, possibly AMIGA?) computers and Commodore computers.
 '''Chris:''' Commodore 64. 
 '''Bob:''' (Laughs) which was his first little--
 '''Emily:''' Oh! I don’t know that much about computers (Giggle) Sorry! (Giggle) 
 '''Bob:''' You’ve probably got a laptop, with a word processor. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah…
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-yeah, but you-
 '''Bob:''' We’ve brought him a long way. It’s been interesting. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s a little piece of history you can write about, if you want to. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, that would be interesting. 

Chris takes over for half a second.

 '''Chris:''' Anyways, you came all the way here from VCU? Or, did you make a few stops along the way? 
 '''Emily:''' No, I came all the way from VCU, um, like a lot of my friends over at VCU know about the whole Sonichu thing, but there’s a lot more. Like, uh, I guess Sonichu girls? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... 
 '''Emily:''' --up in University of West Virginia and we kinda do a newsletter type thing every week
 '''Chris:''' Wow… 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' This is one of my favorite spots in the country. 
 '''Chris:''' I commend you for that. 
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' --little trees on west avenue. 
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh
 '''Bob:''' Have you heard about West Avenue? 
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' You know where West Avenue is? 
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' You know where west avenue is? 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, a little bit, but I don’t go in that area. 
 '''Bob:''' Then are you from VCU then? 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, (laughing this off) I don’t know that area very well. 
 '''Bob:''' It’s a little town(house?)…only three blocks long and it’s got a second name, called: “Fork Avenue.”
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' Every spring they have a Fork Avenue (rally?) 
 '''Emily:''' Uh-oh
 '''Bob:''' at the same time they have the easter parade over on Monument Avenue. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, I’ve never seen it before, but my friends have told me about it, but I’m usually stuck in you know...college. 
 '''Bob:''' --in Richmond uh 1975 thru 1980 and then I got married to his mother and, um, he was born. Then we got transferred over here and we moved to Chesterfield county …but I love West Avenue that’s my favorite spot. 
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' I call it Sesame Street. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh that’s--(giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' They call itself now cause there’s too many kids. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh yeah…?
 '''Bob:''' I-I love Virginia. His mother was raised, oh you wouldn’t believe it, raised in (Indistinct) and was the one who decided to move
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh
 '''Bob:''' right there on and uh can’t remember the name of that school the one that goes (Indistinct) on (Indistinct) street. 
 '''Emily:''' I don’t really know the streets. 
 '''Bob:''' well there’s a street (on a?) Burger King right down the street from there is where uh his mother lived for twenty years and raised her first son and he’s got a lot of ties to the family too, he just doesn’t like me. 
 '''Emily:''' Ohh, you guys have a big family? 
 '''Bob:''' Well, uh, we’ve got my son and my daughter; my son’s in Richmond and my daughter’s in Washington. 
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And then you’ve got her son, who lives in New York, and then there’s the three of us. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, sure is a big family. 
 '''Bob:''' We’ve really got two separate families. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but it’s not as big as the Brady BunCH! 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.(Giggle) no... 
 '''Bob:''' We-we-we enjoy it and I grow flowers. I don’t have to worry about making a living anymore. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' Social Security, GE pension and GE is good and sound, so what’s it to me? 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' I grow (Indistinct) of it. I’ve got my yard for (Indistinct) And in the middle I’ve got a um about a 12 to 15 flat greenhouse. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh? 
 '''Bob:''' Inside the greenhouse it’s different. 
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' Inside the greenhouse, there’s plastic flowers. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh, plastic flowers? 
 '''Bob:''' --swaying and all my stereo stuff. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but he’s got real flowers in his garden. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh, oh okay. 
 '''Bob:''' The day lillies are real in the garden inside (Indistinct) it’s all flat. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, day lillies bloom about once a year du-duri-about once this summer. 
 '''Bob:''' –summer.
 '''Emily:''' Oh... 

Bob continues to talk but Chris talks over him 22:33

 '''Chris:''' And dey stay that way for about a month or so. It’s a beautiful garden
 '''Emily:''' I can imagine. 
 '''Bob:''' I’ve got about fifteen thousand healthy--
 '''Chris:''' (high pitched/dreamily/wistfully/CREEPILY) IMAGINE. 
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' I love all the music from Rick and Rick Van Swing. 
 '''Chris:''' Raise me on music, he did! 
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs) 
 '''Bob:''' --musical soundtracks
 '''Emily:''' Well, what’s your favorite artist? 
 '''Chris:''' Uh, my favorite artist…well, he didn’t raise me on it, but you know my favorite singer is Britney Spears. 
 '''Emily:''' Britney Spears? 
 '''Bob:''' You’ve got all my (Indistinct) back in the 30’s and 40’s and 20‘s.. 
 '''Emily:''' And he’s into more modern pop music? 
 '''Chris:''' Well, if I guess I had to pick a classic favorite it would have to be SATCHMO. 
 '''Emily:''' SATCHMO? 
 '''Chris:''' Louis Armstrong. 
 '''Bob:''' (Indistinct) you’ve got all these classics now-
 '''Chris:''' (23:19-interupts with an impersonation of Louis Armstrong) TEN FEET UP THE GRAND BU BUH BUH BEH
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' It was in the 40’s when it came out on the European market was lacking. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' Back in the 40’s when it came out (Indistinct) and now you’ve got to make good will and salvation army. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' (Indistinct) 
 '''Emily:''' YeeAAh
 '''Bob:''' THOUSANDS of them now.
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' And inside, I found out inside the greenhouse going soon the (complete rules of society are turned around?) I found a great stereo system in the 1970’s and put it out there along with my swing. 
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh
 '''Bob:''' You can turn the volume up, and it sounds like it’s the hall where they recorded it. I go out there and swing with the music. 
 '''Emily:''' What? (Bob laughs) It must be really relaxing(24:19) 

===In which Chris impersonates Donald Duck (32:01 - 36:48)===

After more of Bob's life story, Chris orders Bob to retrieve food for them, and continues his conversation with Emily.

 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you know, I must say you look good.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, thank you. 
 '''Chris:''' You know, you’re the first female Sonichu fan that has actually come a long distance to see me.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, its not that far. I’m sure maybe some of the girls from VCU would come down sometime, like maybe during summer break.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but I mean at least all the way from West Virginia, I mean that’s farther than VCU. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, (Laughs) we might take a road trip down here.
 '''Chris:''' (Speaking in a sing-song voice) Take a road trip, its a little road trip…
 '''Emily:''' (Confused laugh) 

(Here Chris graces Emily with his Donald Duck Impression, which is difficult to convey in writing)

 '''Emily:''' (Laughs) Is that the one that scared that child?
 '''Chris:''' Er-
 '''Emily:''' At Wendy’s…
 '''Chris:''' Uh…
 '''Emily:''' I don’t know how that’s scary-
 '''Chris:''' (Talking over her) No, not really scary, you see he was tired…
 '''Emily:''' Oh, okay so you-
 '''Chris:'''(Interrupting)Yeah. But it makes a lot of children smile, ‘cause they’re familiar with that classic Disney character.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah

 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Y-you don’t mind if I have my hand on your shoulder…
 '''Emily:''' Uh, not for too long…
 '''Chris:''' (Chuckles)
 '''Emily:''' Oookay, n-not for too long…
 '''Chris:''' Okay… heh, this is like, wow, I finally get, like, this beautiful girl in front of me. 
 '''Emily:''' (Nervous laughter) Thank you. 
 '''Chris:''' And she actually got to know me. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Just like you know, yeah. (Changing subject abruptly) So what’s the reason you need your glasses for? I’m nearsighted myself.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah I’m nearsighted as well. I don’t have very good eyes.
 '''Chris:''' Its like, you know, we’re close so we don’t need glasses to see each other, do we?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah… no, its still blurry.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah… How do you look without that hat? I mean I like to see the, uh
 '''Emily:''' I like this hat. My hair doesn’t look good today.
 '''Chris:''' Oh.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Your hair doesn’t look good… are you sure?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. I’m sure. (Giggles)
 '''Chris:''' How’s my hair look?
 '''Emily:''' It looks good!
 '''Chris:''' That’s good. (Indistinct) sleeping against pillows and I took a shower before, before I went – crashing on the couch.
 '''Emily:''' Oh.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah but I put on some, buh, er, some Axe body spray before I left… do you like that smell?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, it depends on which one it is.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' Which one is it?
 '''Chris:''' I believe its, uh, called 'Proximity.'
 '''Emily:''' Oh, I really like the new chocolate one
 '''Chris:''' Oh, the uh 'Dark Temptation.'
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' I was running low on that can anyway.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, okay.
 '''Chris:''' Its like I, if I – If I – If I – (laughs, stutters indistinctly) – gotten more of that.
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs)
 '''Chris:''' (sighs) But seriously though, you are cute.
 '''Emily:''' Ah, thank you.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I like the - I like this – I like the get-up you’re wearing. Its like you – like you came straight from, uh the PGSM… show.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, yeah. (Laughs)
 '''Chris:''' (Indistinct)Like a live action Sailor Moon.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, I’ve seen some of the episodes for that.
 '''Chris:''' I’ve got the entire series saved to my Playstation 3, including the, uh, wedding episode.
 '''Emily:''' I don’t think I’ve seen that one.
 '''Chris:''' Its like, uh, a very special last episode.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, okay.
 '''Chris:''' You actually get to see (Japanese name) and, uh, I forget his name but you know –
 '''Emily:''' Uh, (Japanese name)?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, (Japanese name), that’s it, you got it.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' You got it.
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs)
 '''Chris:''' You got it.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, I used to be a really big fan of Sailor Moon, well, I still am, I’m just not as big of a fan as nowadays.
 '''Chris:''' did you see the entire anime series?
 '''Emily:''' Um, I haven’t seen the last season.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, Sailor Stars.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. ‘cause it didn’t come out in America, and they’re, like, afraid of the transsexuals.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah I know – I know that. But I have that on DVD, you know, with Japanese audio and English subtitles.
 '''Emily:''' How do you feel about that? Like, the transsexuals and the (indistinct)?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah. Um…
 '''Emily:''' Does it, like, make you uncomfortable, or, would you have minded if, like, it came out on TV Shows to, like, little kids?
 '''Chris:''' Uh… Yeah… I don’t have much of an opinion… (Laughs nervously)
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs) Its kind of a sketchy subject there.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah its… its itchy.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 

(Brief awkward pause, punctuated by Emily laughing)

 '''Chris:''' Yeah but you can sketch a lot in your, uh, journalism, don'tcha?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. Well, we don’t draw a lot, we just – we do like little outlines and then we start writing-
 '''Chris:''' (Interrupting) I mean you, I mean you sketch your letters.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' I bet you sketch your signature pretty. Don’t you?
 '''Emily:''' No, I thinks its, uh, its basically a bunch of scribbles. (Laughs)
 '''Chris:''' Ah, a lot of people would say that about their signatures I’m sure.
 '''Emily:''' Well some people just like put an X for their signature and that’s it.
 '''Chris:''' Eh, but not you. You put…
 '''Emily:''' An ‘E’ and an ‘S’ basically. (Giggles)
 '''Chris:''' Uh, uh, an ‘S’?.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, Emily Schiflet(?)
 '''Chris:''' Oh, that’s your last name, Schiflet(?)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, my middle name’s Julia.
 '''Chris:''' Joolia?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Emily Julia Schiflet.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. Flows nicely, doesn’t it?
 '''Chris:''' Its beautiful.
 '''Emily:''' Aw, thank you.
 '''Chris:''' Do you dot your ‘I’ in ‘Julia’ with a heart?
 '''Emily:''' No. (Giggles)

Bob Returns.

 '''Chris:''' All right dad, I’ll let you, uh, divvy up the spaghetti onto my plate

===A Walk to Remember (01:14:23 - 01:21:43)===
Chris and Emily awkwardly leave Bob who continues to ramble as they clomp off through the mall.
 '''Bob:''' Take care.
 '''Chris:''' Alright come on, Emily, let's, let's walk...
 
 Bob babbles on about sending something.
 
 '''Emily:'''Okay... okay, you can show me around the mall...
 '''Chris:''' Okay! Here's our... heights... You... you come to just about my eyeline.
 '''Emily:''' *nervous tittering*
 
 They walk quietly for a moment as Chris mutters something quietly.
 
 '''Chris:''' *sigh* So where you li... where do you usually like to go shopping at when you're at a shopping center?
 '''Emily:''' *impatiently* Clothes stores.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, uh, they have a number of clothing stores in, uh...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' ...a J.C. Penney and a Sears, among other places that uh, more name brands...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah a lot of the stores here are, if you take a look, take a look at the prices and they're pretty expensive.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Yeah... but, you know, they used to ha- they used to have a Kay-Bee Toys here and I- that's where I got my- turns out- my thousand dollar shopping spree I won around the... around the Adventures- the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog...
 '''Emily:''' Uh-huh.
 '''Chris:''' That sweepstakes, you might remember I put something about that...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah!
 '''Chris:''' ...you might remember that, uh, news clip...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah! I've seen it.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah...
 
 Chris nervously takes a few steps.
 
 '''Chris:''' Wow... you're like... I'm sorry.
 '''Emily:''' *nervous laughter*
 '''Chris:''' I'm just fascinated like... you're just like... a character from PGSM or from- came all the way from Japan- just leapt out of my television!
 '''Emily:''' *nervous laughter* No I'm definitely all American.
 '''Chris:''' You're all American.
 '''Emily:''' I'm all American.
 '''Chris:''' Okay- so it's just- it's just your eyes that are excepting.
 '''Emily:''' *shameless subject change* Yeah... so what's your favorite store here?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah it's- currently, since they took away the toy store- I think it's- I would say it's mostly Gamestop, but I also go to the bookstore or Sears, or even the Spencer's that's down on the other side of the mall. And they used to have an FYE here, which was a Suncoast before- before it- before they all merged and became an FYE, but then they closed that to make the next business here.
 '''Emily:''' What's down the other way... cause I've been... I came down this way, but I haven't been down that way.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, we'll go down that way! Alright. I hope- Hope you don't mind me sticking around your left side...
 '''Emily:''' *bravely* Okay, that's fine!
 '''Chris:''' I mean, I guess I should keep my hands to myself and behave, right?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, you should probably do that.
 '''Chris:''' I mean, I'm just trying to be friendly.
 '''Emily:''' *nervous laughter*
 '''Chris:''' But, you know, not- but you know- respectful- touch you gently on the shoulder or the back-
 '''Emily:''' *vomitously* Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' I mean at least I'm not that guy from Inuyasha that... go- eh- go for the bum.
 '''Emily:''' *vomitously* Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Heh-heh, that's funny. Always get slapped in the face, he does.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' I forget his name, I think it's Mamoru, or something like that
 '''Emily:''' Uh.... it's Miroku.
 '''Chris:''' *talking over her* Do you watch Inuyasha? Yeah, Miroku, that was it, you hi- you hit it on the head right there...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 
 Emily awkwardly walks several steps...
 
 '''Emily:''' *delaying* Is that the... food court there?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that's basically the food court.
 '''Emily:''' OK...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah it use- it used to have McDonalds here-
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' ...soooo many years ago across from the Gamestop there, back then it was called Babbages...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' And then between them and Suncoast was FunCo Land and Software Etc. and they all merged into a Ga- they all merged into Gamestop
 '''Emily:''' Oh... never heard about that...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... I'm sh- I'm sh- I'm sure you must've at least noticed those game stores back in your youth-
 '''Emily:''' Yeah... I play video games sometimes, but not very often...
 '''Saleschump:''' HELLO WOULD YOU LIKE HARAAGARALABHGH
 '''Emily:''' Oh, no thank you!
 '''Chris:''' No thank you!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... right over- see- where that *unintelligble name of store*, that's where PacSun used to be, where Anna McLerran
 '''Emily:''' Oh yeah... I've... I've heard of her as well...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah...
 '''Emily:''' Is she still around?
 '''Chris:''' No she, uh- moved to Utah.
 '''Emily:''' Utah...
 '''Chris:''' She's a Mormon. Found that out after I met her. But we cam- but we- but we could became good friends and I gave her, uh, you know, gave her a going away/birthday party before she left for Utah...
 '''Emily:''' Uh-huh!
 '''Chris:''' For her 20th birthday... and actually her- actual- and actually her friends, uh, her friends and I got together and put together the party. *emphatically* I k- I bought the cake.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, that's nice of you... and... there was also Megan. Do you keep in contact with her?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah uh... no, not-no-n-n-not-been-touch with her for a long time.
 '''Emily:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' That's cause she moved to another state.
 '''Emily:''' Oh... did she move to Utah too?
 '''Chris:''' Uh, no, I don't think she moved to Utah, I don't even remember where she moved to.
 '''Emily:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' But you know, sometimes, I, uh, I dream I'm back in uh, Manchester High, you know, I get to see all my- all my old s- c- all my old friends... there.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Sometimes I even see Megan and John in there... John's her brother...
 '''Emily:''' Oh ok...
 '''Chris:''' Can you believe that, attending Manchester High like I was back then,
 '''Emily:''' *small laughter*
 '''Chris:''' ...but yet they never went- they never been- they never been to Manchester High, neither of them. Isn't that... kinda funny?
 '''Emily:''' *slightly sarcastically* Yeah... that is kinda funny!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... FYE was over there...
 '''Emily:''' Oh... I guess it's becoming a LensCrafters?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I guess... anyway here's the Spencer's.
 '''Emily:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' If you like looking at the, uh, naughty stuff-
 '''Emily:''' *quickly* No, I'm not into that.
 '''Chris:''' Not yet anyway! *laughs*
 '''Emily:''' *nervous laughter*
 '''Chris:''' Ah, but you might. But it's mostly humorous, anyway.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah... well... doesn't look like there's anything down here...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... not much... not much to look at around here... the toy stores around here are down here...
 '''Emily:''' Oh... well I gotta get going soon, it's gonna be a long drive!
 '''Chris:''' Long drive...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Well I hope, uh, you at least, uh, keep the memories we've shared...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I'll walk you to your car, if you want...
 '''Emily:''' No, I'll probably have to go to the bathroom first... it's that time of the month...
 '''Chris:''' Oh.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, when you're on your, uh, period...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah... *nervous laughter*
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you know, aside from the, uh, first time, uh, meeting, this first meeting, uh, how do you feel about me? In general...
 '''Emily:''' You're a really nice guy!
 '''Chris:''' Thank you...
 '''Emily:''' I don't know why people pick on you and all that...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, they should get to know me in person...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' I mean I'm a gentleman, I behave... behave...
 '''Emily:''' *steering the beast* Have you been into any of these stores over here?

==Meet the Pickle (01:21:44 - 01:25:29)==

 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible) Yeah, so, um, you wouldn't want to go see Watchmen, would you?
 '''Chris:''' Uh... no.
 '''Emily:''' I'd see that movie.
 '''Chris:''' *shocked* Uh... any particular reason why you're dressed up like that?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Not in particular.
 '''Chris:''' Come on, Emily.
 '''Emily:''' What?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Hey, hey, maybe the lady wants to go with me. Ya, ya want to go see Watchmen? Lots of, uh...
 '''Emily:''' *gloating* Why, what's wrong?
 '''Chris:''' The man in the pickle suit... a- it's apparent this guy's amongst the... trolls.
 '''Pickle Man:''' You think...
 '''Emily:''' What's a tro...
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Curious Bystander:''' Sir... sir, what are you?
 '''Pickle Man:''' I'm a pickle.
 '''Curious Bystander:''' You're a pickle! I love pickles.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Yeah? Pickles are pretty cool.
 '''Curious Bystander:''' And who are you advertising with?
 '''Pickle Man:''' I'm not really advertising.
 '''Curious Bystander:''' You're just dressed for fun?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Just bored.
 '''Chris:''' Dressed as a pickle to HAUNT ME.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Excuse me? I don't even know you.
 '''Curious Bystander:''' You're just bored?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Yep!
 '''Chris:''' *questioningly* You don't even know me... are you sure... do you have internet access?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Lots of people have internet access.
 '''Chris:''' Do you know Sonichu and Rosechu?
 '''Pickle Man:''' No, I do not.
 '''Chris:''' Do you know about Encyclopedia Dramatica?
 '''Pickle Man:''' No, I do not. (turning to Emily) Want to go see Watchmen?
 '''Chris:''' *stress sighs* No, no, no, she's with-
 '''Emily:''' Alright!
 '''Chris:''' ...she's h- she's headed over to- she's heading back to her home town.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Uh, Watchmen would be pretty cool.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, it would be pretty cool!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, alright, uh...
 '''Emily:''' Let's go see it!
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah?
 '''Pickle Man:''' (to Emily as they turn to leave together) You've probably seen Watchmen (he refers to the novel), haven't you?
 '''Chris:''' (answering the question meant for Emily as he is clearly left behind) I've heard of Watchmen...
 '''Pickle Man:''' *laughs at Chris*
 '''Emily:''' Yeah!
 '''Chris:''' (inaudible, but clearly saying something to the effect that he doesn't like the Pickle Man.)
 '''Emily:''' *gloating* What's wrong with him?
 '''Pickle Man:''' What, you like pickles?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... I do not like pickles.
 '''Pickle Man:''' No pickles?
 '''Chris:''' And also particularly a guy in a pickle suit who tricked me on the internet pretending that he was Blanca!
 '''Emily:''' There's nothing wrong with him!
 '''Pickle Man:''' Who's Blanca?
 '''Chris:''' *stress sighs/grunts*
 '''Emily:''' There's nothing wrong with him! See, he's a nice guy.
 '''Chris:''' (inaudible, but stressed as he moves closer to Emily)
 '''Pickle Man:''' I think you're making the lady uncomfortable there, Chris.
 '''Chris:''' *stress sighs* I'm sorry, Emily.
 '''Emily:''' It's ok... I think I have... to go to the bathroom now...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, go change my tampon.
 '''Chris:''' Oh boy. (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' (indistinct) ...but I guess I do now.
 '''Emily:''' *attempting to brush him off* OK, well it was nice meeting you... maybe we'll talk online or something.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah well... I kinda... (indistinct)
 '''Pickle Man:''' (as they continue trying to walk away) Well, we're going to go now.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah well...
 '''Emily:''' I'm going to the bathroom.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, uh, either of- (to Pickle Man) you're not going where she's going...
 '''Pickle Man:''' Uh, we're- we're leaving together.
 '''Chris:''' Are you with her?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Now we are. We're going to go see Watchmen.
 '''Chris:''' No! N- no! She's going b- you gotta go back to West Virginia, don't you.
 '''Pickle Man:''' We're going to go see Watchmen first.
 '''Emily:''' I'm kinda- just- gonna- Watchmen's not that long of a movie.
 '''Chris:''' *suddenly concerned for Emily* Yeah, but you got a five hour drive!
 '''Emily:''' *dismissively* It'll be ok.
 
 The Pickle Man and Chris indistinctly carry on a short dialogue. The Pickle Man seems to be asking Chris why he is following along, and Chris replies:
 
 '''Chris:''' I'm just staying close to my friends
 '''Emily:''' Alright, see ya!

==Emily Rides the Red Tide (01:25:29 - 01:29:34)==
{{incomplete}}

==A Precious Farewell (01:29:35 - 01:31:10)==
 '''Pickle Man:''' So, you ready to go?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, my car's that way.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, her car's... Your car's (inaudible) didn't you?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, so did I.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, you did?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' Which (inaudible)? 
 '''Chris:''' Tha- that way.
 '''Emily:''' Oh... I'm over there. 
 '''Chris:''' Oh. (continues walking alongside Pickle Man and Emily) 
 '''Emily:''' Chris... you don't need to walk me to my car. 
 '''Chris:''' Okaaay. 
 '''Emily:''' This is... Alright.
 '''Chris:''' So, you have yourself a safe trip back to uhh... West Virginia. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh... (feigning cheerfulness) okay! I might call you on Skype later.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, you take care. 
 '''Emily:''' You too.
 '''Chris:''' Hey... (attempts to hug and kiss Emily) 
 '''Emily:''' (tries to avoid Chris) No... no... no thank you! (nervous laughter) No thank you. 
 '''Chris:''' (Chris gives up) Okay. 
 '''Emily:''' Alright, see you. 
 '''Chris:''' Alright, well you take care, be safe. 
 '''Emily:''' Alright, you too. 
(8 seconds pass as Pickle Man and Emily walk away from Chris)
 '''Chris:''' (yelling from a distance) HE KNOWS CLYDE CASH! 
(laughter from Pickle Man and Emily)
 '''Emily:''' (laughing) Mission accomplished! 
 '''Pickle Man:''' Is he gone yet?
 '''Emily:''' I don't know, let me look behind. 
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible) I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry.
 '''Emily:''' That's okay!. (inaudible) worse than me... 
 '''Pickle Man:''' I'm so sorry.
 '''Emily:''' That's okay. 
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Pickle Man:''' Okay... (inaudible) man in the pickle suit? 
 '''Emily:''' (laughs) 
 '''Pickle Man:''' (laughingly says something about Clyde Cash)
 '''Emily:''' (laughs) Wait there... there's Frosty. 
 '''Pickle Man:''' What?
 '''Emily:''' Looks like he's gone now. I'm gonna go tell him what happened.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Okay.
 '''Emily:''' (presumably walking to see Frosty) Yes! Still recording!

=External links=
* [http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?hgz03i1wj4n The Date Audio]

[[Category:Historical Documents]]
[[Category:Trolling]]

Emily Date Conversation Transcript

2010-01-12T04:47:12Z

Thundercunt: /* Transcript */ Added Donald Duck Impression to transcript

In [[March 2009]], [[Chris]] went on his first, and only date ever with a [[troll]] called [[Emily]]. For posterity's sake, the event was recorded, and is now presented in text format for your enjoyment, here.

The voices heard in the recording are that of an elite crack team of courageous trolls and trollettes.

==The cast in order of appearance==
 '''Frosty:''' Wiz-kid and all around brainiac. His high-tech know-how keeps the group online.
 '''Camera Whore:''' Friend of Emily, this perverse gal's mission was to capture video evidence of the event.
 '''Emily:''' Queen of trolls! She risked both life and limb on a dangerous mission into the heart of darkness.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Brave and daring hero! He protects Emily from certain peril and inflicts permanent stress and emotional damage upon all who would harm her.
 '''Chris:''' Misshapen manchild, whose disgusting nature even seeps into the very recording of his voice. Will his evil plan to touch Emily inappropriately succeed? Tune in to find out!
 '''Bob:''' [[Bob Chandler|Robert "Bob" Franklin Chandler]], a proud Internet lumberjack yet slave of the Manchild. Bob is bound by law and duty to the horrible beast. Every moment of his last days are being spent catering for Chris-chan's sadistic whims. A sad shell of what once was a great man, now he only waits, and prays for mercy from his foul captor.

==Transcript==
Inside, a multitude of voices echo around the cavernous mall. We hear our heroes' voices over the din of the shoppers.

===Setup (0:00 - 3:10)===

As the recording begins, we hear the technician, "Frosty" arming Emily's mic, cleverly disguised as a third nipple.

 '''Frosty:''' Okay. lock it. Okay it-
 '''Camera Whore:''' Are you wearing a thong? Is that a-
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Camera Whore:''' That better be fucking tight. (Talking about the recorder/thong)
 '''Emily:''' It's tight.
 '''Camera Whore:''' That might pop out while you're walking and it'll be like- 
 '''Emily:''' I should be like-
 '''Camera Whore:''' A robotic vagina- *laughing*
 '''Emily:''' I should be like- *laughing*
 '''Camera Whore:''' Say "It's my vibrator"
 '''Emily:''' *laughing*
 '''Camera Whore:''' It's one of those things you see tapped to those- those hentai-
 '''Frosty:''' Well the thing is Chris said in the script(?) he would squeal
 '''Emily:''' *laughing* UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF
 '''Emily:''' Okay, if he get's like way too close to me, I'm just gonna be like scoot my chair farther away
 '''Camera Whore:''' (indistinct) I really like if... (indistinct)
 '''Pickle Man:''' *laughing* Maybe Barb will come
 '''Emily:''' Probably shouldn't leave the house anymore
 '''Pickle Man:''' No, if (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' *laughs*
 '''Pickle Man:''' (Pickle Man continues indistinct)
 '''Frosty:''' There are Barb candidates everywhere (Talking about the free roaming hambeasts that populate the mall)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Nononono but but in all probability there should be no Barb, if there is Barb I will shit myself
 '''Emily:''' If there is Barb, we're done.
 '''Camera Whore:''' We're not showing up
 '''Frosty:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Frosty:''' (Mockingly) "You brought your Mommy?"
 '''Emily:''' I should be like, "No put that shit in the bag, and we're not doing anything today"
 '''Frosty:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' That's it.
 '''Camera Whore:''' And you can like, call him and be like "You owe me a dire apology and you're a jack off"
 '''Emily:''' No I'm going- I'm going to yell at him, and make him cry
 '''Frosty:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' and be like, "I'm going to live in Clyde's playboy mansion."
 '''Pickle Man:''' (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
 '''Emily:''' *laughs*
 '''Camera Whore:''' I'm part of Clyde's playboy mansion
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Camera Whore:''' *Despondent* I'm the janitor

 They all laugh

 '''Emily:''' Okay, let's go see if he's there.
 '''Camera Whore:''' ''You'' go see if he's there
 '''Emily:''' NO! Cause it's- Cause he's- Cause I'm gona make an entrance like: ''HAIIII!''
 '''Pickle Man:''' (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
 '''Emily:''' No. he wants to meet in front of Chick-Fil-A, so..
 '''Camera Whore:''' Figures... but the general idea would be you park near where you want to go
 '''Emily:''' *Chuckles*
 '''Camera Whore:''' (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' *laughs*
 '''Camera Whore:''' (Speaks indistinctly)Did you see those (indistinct) where it kind of looks like a penis?
 '''Camera Whore:''' Right here
 '''Emily:''' Oh *laughs*
 '''Camera Whore:''' It's a fucking penis

 A slight pause while something happens, presumably involving the penis shaped object

 '''Camera Whore:''' Nope
 '''Emily:''' *Disappointed*Oh
 '''Emily:'''*Sigh*
 '''Camera Whore:''' *Sigh*

 An uneasy silence falls.

 '''Camera Whore:''' There's that ugly bitch that looks like Hamster Girl(indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' *Chuckles*
 '''Camera Whore:''' She ''looks'' like Hamster Girl, right there
 '''Camera Whore:'''(Speaking To Pickle Man) Is that the only one you can see working?
 '''Pickle Man:''' (indistinct) over by Starbucks? You should (indistinct)
 '''Camera Whore:''' Nonono she looks like Hamster Girl
 '''Pickle Man:''' (indistinct)
 '''Camera Whore:''' Don't she have no hair? oh she has a- (indistinct)
 '''Pickle Man:''' No, she has hair. She has her hair back like this:
 '''Camera Whore:''' Oh yeah, I knew that
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Camera Whore:''' I was gonna say, I donno, cause I guess she dyed her hair blond. Cause I remember seeing her in some ugly strange colored hair

===Target Spotted (3:11 - 4:46)===

Suddenly, the festive mood changes to dread as Chris appears, in full stalker regalia.

 '''Frosty:'''(Noticing Chris)There he is!
 '''Emily:''' (Panicking) Wut!
 '''Frosty:''' In the jacket
 '''Emily:''' (Panicking) omygod EJECT omygod! (as the realization of what is about to happen sets in)

 Many voices here, possibly more than the four that were speaking in previously "In the jacket" "There he is".

 '''Frosty:''' Are you ready?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah I'm ready. *Nervous laugh/cry* This is going to be my best acting moment ever.
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, Don't like, look, cause she has to get down first.
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Frosty:''' He'll realize later, that's what it was.
 '''Camera Whore:''' I don't feel bad
 '''Emily:''' Okay, but if he like, won't come around and-(interrupted) Huh? I don't have my phone.

 There is a short silence as everyone is overcome by the aura of the approaching manchild

 '''Emily:''' (Nervously, under her breath) Oh my God....

 Another pause.

 '''Emily:''' If this is going to goes all smoothly, I should get like...(trails off)
 '''Pickle Man:''' Where do I sit?
 '''Emily:''' Umm, there's some benches like by the table... oh, oh, oh no.
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Emily:''' Okay, there's some benches like nearby...
 '''Pickle Man:''' Yeah?
 '''Emily:''' Umm, just sit and watch them, talk and eat, then go change or whatever.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Well, okay. I (indistict)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Pickle Man:''' Okay. I (indistict)
 '''Emily:''' *Takes a deep breath* Yeah.

 Emily begins to slowly walk twards her impending date with destiny as she gives instructions to the Pickle Man

 '''Emily:''' or just kind of walk around and see if you can see us.

===The Date Begins (4:47 - 7:17)===

 Emily parts with the Pickle Man and advances on the table. The hesitation in her step is audible, but she marches on, straight into the lions den.
 At 5:21 Emily contacts the target.

 '''Emily:''' ''[with tinge of disgust] Hi''...
 '''Chris:''' Are you Emily?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, I'm Emily... So nice to meet you.
 '''Chris:''' Hi Emily this is mah father Robert
 '''Bob:''' (Cheerfully) Hello!
 '''Emily:''' Hello

 A slight pause while they presumably shake hands

 '''Emily:''' I've started shopping a little bit.
 '''Chris:''' thas alright
 '''Bob:''' You're from West Virgina?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, I use to live here for a while but then I-
 '''Chris:''' *interrupts with a single word* HAT!
 '''Emily:''' But then I moved to...
 '''Chris:''' *interrupts a second time* NEAT HAT!
 '''Emily:''' Yeah I thought you might like it.
 '''Chris:''' *laughs, amused by himself* heh heh
 '''Bob:''' You go to school over there?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, University of West Virgina, My friend -uh, wanted to go to school there and she's my best friend, so I have to go with her everywhere. *slightly nervous laugh*
 '''Bob:''' [cheerfully] That sounds like the best way to do things!
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' *Butts in awkwardly* yeah hey Emily, do you mind a photo of you and me together?
 '''Emily:''' [genuinely excited] Sure!

 There is a short pause and Bob says something, it would seem a picture is taken.

 '''Bob:''' What are you taking?
 '''Emily:''' I'm doing journalism.
 '''Bob:''' [hard of hearing) Wha?
 '''Emily:''' Journalism.
 '''Bob:''' [teasingly] Journalism? Oh, you're going to be a writer!
 '''Emily:''' Yeah! [giggles girlishly]
 '''Emily:''' I did a lot-
 '''Bob:''' He [Chris] has a [[Cole Smithey|half brother]], who's.... Who lives in New York City and uh... does Freelance Writing and Show Review and things... for newspapers and magazines.
 '''Emily:''' Is it- Does he love it?
 '''Bob:''' I guess...
 '''Emily:''' *Giggles girlishly again*
 '''Bob:''' I haven't talked to him in years...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' *mumbles something under his breath* You haven't said anything about me, before.

 They take a few steps, and an extraordinarily unconformable silence falls.

 '''Bob:''' You know thats- I worked at uhh- I'm an engineer and engineers never learn how to spell.
 '''Emily:''' *Giggles girlishly yet again*
 '''Bob:''' I think very logically but I-
 '''Chris:''' *interrupts yet again* SHOOT! I got bad batteries in the camera.
 '''Emily:''' *Moans with disappointment*
 '''Bob:''' (Continues)If I would- If would write anything, half the words would be phonetically rather than the way we're suppose to.
 '''Emily:''' *laughs again, a little less enthusiastically*
 '''Bob:''' (Continues)I got along fine... writing stuff on my word processor... when I had spell check
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' (Continues)but I don't do that no more

 Bob emits a dry, finely-aged, man cackle. Chris is strangely quiet.

 '''Emily:''' Did you like doing engineering?
 '''Bob:''' Well, I had a really unique situation...

===About Bob (7:18 - 16:45)===

Bob Pauses, and seems to weigh what he is about to say next

 '''Bob:''' Look, uh... I'ma-I'm really old
 '''Emily:''' *laughs nervously*
 '''Bob:''' Okay, so- cause I'm 81 and I came along before transistors.
 '''Emily:''' *nods attentively* mm-hmm?
 '''Bob:''' (inaudible)the stuff we had now, but even before then. This is when we had vacuum tubes. And I uh... got drafted after World War II. That's how old-but uh... They put me in the Signal Corps and they knew things I didn't know. They taught me how to install valve systems and switchboard and telephone (Inaudible). So I found out, yeah, I'm pretty good at that. So when I got out.. course that was in 1947... found out now- I know we had a deflation economy, I didn't know it then- Couldn't get a job, So I thought "Well, I got the G.I. Bill. I'll go to school." 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, now it's really hard to become an engineer
 '''Bob:''' Eh, now ya- I, uh- I went to a State Union College(?) to start with cause I had the philosophy, that if I went to a big school I'd be just... swallowed up
 '''Emily:''' Yeah
 '''Bob:''' So I went to a small school and took Pre-Engineering for two years and that was the best thing I ever did. Cause I wound up... well- I got through my two years of Pre-Engineering in small classes.
 '''Emily:''' *nods attentively* mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And also I loved music, and I was in this band and everything. And I got the chance to learn a lot about music while I was there. And then I went to Alburn and it was- talk about getting swallowed up
 '''Emily:''' *Laughs Nervously*
 '''Bob:''' Then- At that time Alburn, which now has like thirty thousand students, or something. Alburn had about five thousand students. I got my engineering degree. And then when I got out, I said: "I'll, uh, I can do anything with relays and telephones and valve systems, and (another item, indistinct). I'm gonna work for Western Electric;-"
 '''Emily:''' *interjecting her agreement* mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' "That seems logical...(cut off by Chris).
 '''Chris:''' *Interrupting, yet again* Yeah! Hey! No, you listen to my father. Because he's something; Because I get some of my intelligence from him.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Especially my tend-o-logical *phonetic spelling* intelligence.
 '''Bob:'''*Ignoring Chris' comments* But anyway, I, uh, I went to work for them for forty years, and, uh, at that point in time... (Pause) uh, This is even before the (indistinct), the I.C.B-(Emily laughs again, drowning him out). Before the Korean War, and, uh, but, I-I found out they were building radar systems. Well that was fine, but I thought they had lots of available money, and they wanted to automatic (indistinct). At that time, nothing was automatic. They had none.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' So, that's what I come and build 'em. (Indistinct) what I learned in the army.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' I started working with the first automatic (death storm?), that we ever made. And then GE heard about it, and they came down to help them with the (boat?), in North Carolina. And the GE came down, they offered me a job up in upstate New York. Cold country in Utica.
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs at what Bob said)
 '''Bob:''' And, uh, I went down to build the automatic (indistinct).
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:'''Nobody knows how, because we haven't done it before.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:'''We found something with automatic (indistinct), down here. Why don't you come up there? Well, okay. So, I went up there, for three years, and helped develop the, uh, automatic (indistinct) but I got, I was a soldier (indistinct) 'cause I was born in Texas and raised in Alabama.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' And then I was in North Carolina, first. And then I hit upstate New York, and I froze to death.(Chuckles)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, that would be really differ-eh-eh-heh-heh-heh. (Emily laughingly responds)
 '''Bob:''' After three years, I said: "I'm going back to (indistinct)GE. I didn't know it then, but I had a real natural draw to the mountains.
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And I knew about (indistinct) So, I wanted to come back to (indistinct). See, we have plants there...and them there plants specialized in industrial automation. Except, they hadn't done any automation yet. They were just industrial controlled. So, I finagled a transfer back to (indistinct) and I got there just at the time, when they were startin' to make any kind of automation controls. So, I got into what they call "a new business area." And I got to do all the great things. All my, I-I really had it right. I was in the right places, at the right time.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. (Giggles Girlishly)
 '''Bob:'''Because, I am very logically inclined.
 '''Emily:''' That doesn't really happen these days, with the economy.
 '''Bob:'''Yeah. I'm a logician. Oddly enough, I never learned how a transistor even works on (records?). But, I use em' all the time.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:'''I use 'em. I'm retired now, long time. But when I started out with this group, and the first thing we got into was trying to automate a steel mill, for rolling (painted?) steel for your cars. And when we did that,and then I got into how to roll papers so you could get Kleenex.
 '''Emily:''' (More Girlish Giggling)
 '''Chris:''' And, of course you know, that he's the guy that designed the controls for all the plastic water machines! (Bob starts to say something, but Chris plows right along.) So, without him at this time, you couldn't have the plastic through your glasses.
 '''Bob:''' And-and then then I got into (indistinct), you know? We could do the first one, and then somebody else would take over and do the others.
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And then I got into (managing?) a paper mill. And then I got into the...industry of-of, uh, like (low-line?) warehousing, automatic transition, like BART. Bay Area Rapid Transit.
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' Automatic railroads, and all that kind of stuff. Automated a bunch of that, then I got into automating a bunch of (mine horses?), around the world.
 '''Emily:''' You've been through a lot!
 '''Bob:''' And the I went to do the automating of tanker ships, so you could run 'em from the bridge, and have nobody downstairs.
 '''Emily:''' (Even More Girlish Giggling)
 '''Bob:''' Just someone else involved-

Unable to hold his tongue any longer, Chris cuts off his father and leaps into the conversation. He then breathes noisily and asks Emily:

 '''Chris:''' Want some water?
 '''Emily:''' No, thank-you.
 '''Bob:''' And, uh, then, uh, then, um, I got into...I developed (indistinct). I found out that there were very few people like me, in the world, who had this natural inclination for logic. Anyway, like the ands, and ors, and the what if's, and the what if's.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:'''And then that developed because (indistinct).
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh.
 '''Bob:''' Hardware oriented (Y2k pile of junk. ???)
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' Similar fortune was in hardware. 
 '''Chris:''' (Indistinct, Sounds like: Here pretty lid, here.)
 '''Emily:''' (To Bob) Oh, okay. (To Chris) Oh, thank you.

Bob starts speaking, but Chris talks over him, making what they say incomprehensible. It seems that Bob is continuing with his life's story, and that Chris is complimenting Emily.

 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) Thank you.
 '''Bob:''' -One of my neighbors was in the Navy too,but I was lazy
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' -was to right down on paper, and design on paper right from the start (indistinct) a sequence of parallel lines.
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And up to that point, nobody had a way of writing it down on paper.
 '''Emily:''' (Unsuccessfully attempts to stifle a laugh)
 '''Bob:''' They still don't! (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' yeah.
 '''Bob:''' But that hadn't come to mind, I designed the (mine-hose component?) Elevator (indistinct) 5000 ft hole.
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' Then I got into, uh, designing scooter machines, which fused, um, plastic around wires, and things like that.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' --Scooters. And then I got into die cast machines, and the machines automating them. They make things like carburetors, and cans, and whatever. And then I got into plastics (indistinct) automating their machines. In the process, I ended up with a patent, in my name, that they own. (Indistinct) And I saw the first two liter Coke bottle (Emily Chortles) come off the line in England. (indistinct) shutters, and stuff like that, made out of plastic. All this stuff we got plastic.
 '''Chris:''' Like your frames!
 '''Emily:''' Yep!(Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' Including, uh, Tupperware.
 '''Emily:''' (Uncertainly) Can't...go without Tupperware.
 '''Bob:''' No, and that's why I (Indistinct) finalized and perfected, basically, this whole polar (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' design, and documentation. It came time for me to retire. And so, I did!
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs)
 '''Bob:''' And now I'm inundated, with all this stuff I did, and I don't know if I did the world a good thing, or not.
 '''Emily:''' (Jumping to Bob's defence) I think you did! You did a lot of things.
 '''Bob:''' But I can't, I can't spell the word "CAT," without a "K" in it.
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) (Writing Emily's lines is a breeze. You just have to copy and paste the same four responses over and over again.)
 '''Chris:''' Aw, yeah, well you know, I'm proud of him, anyway, for his accompliment, accom-PLISH-ments.
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh
 '''Bob:''' (Referring to Chris) He's got a half-brother who (Indistinct)-
 '''Chris:''' (Referring to the parentage of the fore-mentioned half-brother) His son.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, okay.
 '''Bob:''' and he's got a, I have a daughter (Indistinct) Phi Beta Kappa, out of UVA.
 '''Emily:''' Oh.
 '''Bob:''' She's working for the government. She's got a PHD, now. She's working somewhere for the federal government, all those math people. I dunno.

===Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)===

 '''Emily:''' I'm not very good at math. (Girlishly Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' I'm not that-I'm good at logic, but not at math.
 '''Chris:''' I'm good at math!
 '''Bob:''' He's not good at math, when it comes to managing money.
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs)
 '''Chris:''' Hey, look it! I have YOUR plastic lid on it!

Chris and Emily share a giggle over the humor of this statement.

 '''Bob:''' We've been working with him, now, for twenty seven years. (It was a job/challenge?) Most of the time, I've been retired, so I could (coach him?).
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, usually if you're not very good at math, you're really good at writing, which is why I'm going for journalism.
 '''Bob:''' Well, uh, I uh do alright with writing as long as I got spell check. 
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' I just, uh, I enjoyed my life it, uh I-I had things, I had opportunities most people don’t get. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' I’ve got to see all the stuff (Indistinct) 
 '''Emily:''' That’s gooood, I hope that I can travel all around the world and you know, write in journalism..like overseas.
 '''Bob:''' I’ve been to Australia, I’ve been to Korea, I've been to England, most people that I know have never been to (Indistinct) so they write(?) for a living
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' (Indistinct) I wish I could get find out what good he can do though he’s pretty good in drawing
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' -and writing
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, she-she-she you-you should know, you’ve seen a bunch ah my artwork. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah it’s really good! All-all my friends like it as well. 
 '''Bob:''' He’s creative, but he’s uh , I-I guess you know he’s high functioning autistic and, uh-
 '''Chris''' and '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Bob:''' At six he couldn’t even talk but he was programming(?) (indistinct, possibly AMIGA?) computers and Commodore computers.
 '''Chris:''' Commodore 64. 
 '''Bob:''' (Laughs) which was his first little--
 '''Emily:''' Oh! I don’t know that much about computers (Giggle) Sorry! (Giggle) 
 '''Bob:''' You’ve probably got a laptop, with a word processor. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah…
 '''Chris:''' Yeah-yeah, but you-
 '''Bob:''' We’ve brought him a long way. It’s been interesting. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s a little piece of history you can write about, if you want to. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, that would be interesting. 

Chris takes over for half a second.

 '''Chris:''' Anyways, you came all the way here from VCU? Or, did you make a few stops along the way? 
 '''Emily:''' No, I came all the way from VCU, um, like a lot of my friends over at VCU know about the whole Sonichu thing, but there’s a lot more. Like, uh, I guess Sonichu girls? 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... 
 '''Emily:''' --up in University of West Virginia and we kinda do a newsletter type thing every week
 '''Chris:''' Wow… 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' This is one of my favorite spots in the country. 
 '''Chris:''' I commend you for that. 
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles)
 '''Bob:''' --little trees on west avenue. 
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh
 '''Bob:''' Have you heard about West Avenue? 
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' You know where West Avenue is? 
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' You know where west avenue is? 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, a little bit, but I don’t go in that area. 
 '''Bob:''' Then are you from VCU then? 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, (laughing this off) I don’t know that area very well. 
 '''Bob:''' It’s a little town(house?)…only three blocks long and it’s got a second name, called: “Fork Avenue.”
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' Every spring they have a Fork Avenue (rally?) 
 '''Emily:''' Uh-oh
 '''Bob:''' at the same time they have the easter parade over on Monument Avenue. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, I’ve never seen it before, but my friends have told me about it, but I’m usually stuck in you know...college. 
 '''Bob:''' --in Richmond uh 1975 thru 1980 and then I got married to his mother and, um, he was born. Then we got transferred over here and we moved to Chesterfield county …but I love West Avenue that’s my favorite spot. 
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' I call it Sesame Street. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh that’s--(giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' They call itself now cause there’s too many kids. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh yeah…?
 '''Bob:''' I-I love Virginia. His mother was raised, oh you wouldn’t believe it, raised in (Indistinct) and was the one who decided to move
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh
 '''Bob:''' right there on and uh can’t remember the name of that school the one that goes (Indistinct) on (Indistinct) street. 
 '''Emily:''' I don’t really know the streets. 
 '''Bob:''' well there’s a street (on a?) Burger King right down the street from there is where uh his mother lived for twenty years and raised her first son and he’s got a lot of ties to the family too, he just doesn’t like me. 
 '''Emily:''' Ohh, you guys have a big family? 
 '''Bob:''' Well, uh, we’ve got my son and my daughter; my son’s in Richmond and my daughter’s in Washington. 
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' And then you’ve got her son, who lives in New York, and then there’s the three of us. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, sure is a big family. 
 '''Bob:''' We’ve really got two separate families. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but it’s not as big as the Brady BunCH! 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.(Giggle) no... 
 '''Bob:''' We-we-we enjoy it and I grow flowers. I don’t have to worry about making a living anymore. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' Social Security, GE pension and GE is good and sound, so what’s it to me? 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' I grow (Indistinct) of it. I’ve got my yard for (Indistinct) And in the middle I’ve got a um about a 12 to 15 flat greenhouse. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh? 
 '''Bob:''' Inside the greenhouse it’s different. 
 '''Emily:''' mm-hmm
 '''Bob:''' Inside the greenhouse, there’s plastic flowers. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh, plastic flowers? 
 '''Bob:''' --swaying and all my stereo stuff. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but he’s got real flowers in his garden. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh, oh okay. 
 '''Bob:''' The day lillies are real in the garden inside (Indistinct) it’s all flat. 
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, day lillies bloom about once a year du-duri-about once this summer. 
 '''Bob:''' –summer.
 '''Emily:''' Oh... 

Bob continues to talk but Chris talks over him 22:33

 '''Chris:''' And dey stay that way for about a month or so. It’s a beautiful garden
 '''Emily:''' I can imagine. 
 '''Bob:''' I’ve got about fifteen thousand healthy--
 '''Chris:''' (high pitched/dreamily/wistfully/CREEPILY) IMAGINE. 
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' I love all the music from Rick and Rick Van Swing. 
 '''Chris:''' Raise me on music, he did! 
 '''Emily:''' (Laughs) 
 '''Bob:''' --musical soundtracks
 '''Emily:''' Well, what’s your favorite artist? 
 '''Chris:''' Uh, my favorite artist…well, he didn’t raise me on it, but you know my favorite singer is Britney Spears. 
 '''Emily:''' Britney Spears? 
 '''Bob:''' You’ve got all my (Indistinct) back in the 30’s and 40’s and 20‘s.. 
 '''Emily:''' And he’s into more modern pop music? 
 '''Chris:''' Well, if I guess I had to pick a classic favorite it would have to be SATCHMO. 
 '''Emily:''' SATCHMO? 
 '''Chris:''' Louis Armstrong. 
 '''Bob:''' (Indistinct) you’ve got all these classics now-
 '''Chris:''' (23:19-interupts with an impersonation of Louis Armstrong) TEN FEET UP THE GRAND BU BUH BUH BEH
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' It was in the 40’s when it came out on the European market was lacking. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' Back in the 40’s when it came out (Indistinct) and now you’ve got to make good will and salvation army. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah. 
 '''Bob:''' (Indistinct) 
 '''Emily:''' YeeAAh
 '''Bob:''' THOUSANDS of them now.
 '''Emily:''' (Giggles) 
 '''Bob:''' And inside, I found out inside the greenhouse going soon the (complete rules of society are turned around?) I found a great stereo system in the 1970’s and put it out there along with my swing. 
 '''Emily:''' uh-huh
 '''Bob:''' You can turn the volume up, and it sounds like it’s the hall where they recorded it. I go out there and swing with the music. 
 '''Emily:''' What? (Bob laughs) It must be really relaxing(24:19) 

===In which Chris impersonates Donald Duck (32:01 - 33:07)===

After more of Bob's life story, Chris orders Bob to retrieve food for them, and continues his conversation with Emily.

 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you know, I must say you look good.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, thank you. 
 '''Chris:''' You know, you’re the first female Sonichu fan that has actually come a long distance to see me.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, its not that far. I’m sure maybe some of the girls from VCU would come down sometime, like maybe during summer break.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, but I mean at least all the way from West Virginia, I mean that’s farther than VCU. 
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, (Laughs) we might take a road trip down here.
 '''Chris:''' (Speaking in a sing-song voice) Take a road trip, its a little road trip…
 '''Emily:''' (Confused laugh) 

(Here Chris graces Emily with his Donald Duck Impression, which is difficult to express in written form.)

 '''Emily:''' (Laughs) Is that the one that scared that child?
 '''Chris:''' Er-
 '''Emily:''' At Wendy’s…
 '''Chris:''' Uh…
 '''Emily:''' I don’t know how that’s scary-
 '''Chris:''' (Talking over her) No, not really scary, you see he was tired…
 '''Emily:''' Oh, okay so you-
 '''Chris:'''(Interrupting)Yeah. But it makes a lot of children smile, ‘cause they’re familiar with that classic Disney character.

===A Walk to Remember (01:14:23 - 01:21:43)===
Chris and Emily awkwardly leave Bob who continues to ramble as they clomp off through the mall.
 '''Bob:''' Take care.
 '''Chris:''' Alright come on, Emily, let's, let's walk...
 
 Bob babbles on about sending something.
 
 '''Emily:'''Okay... okay, you can show me around the mall...
 '''Chris:''' Okay! Here's our... heights... You... you come to just about my eyeline.
 '''Emily:''' *nervous tittering*
 
 They walk quietly for a moment as Chris mutters something quietly.
 
 '''Chris:''' *sigh* So where you li... where do you usually like to go shopping at when you're at a shopping center?
 '''Emily:''' *impatiently* Clothes stores.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, uh, they have a number of clothing stores in, uh...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' ...a J.C. Penney and a Sears, among other places that uh, more name brands...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah a lot of the stores here are, if you take a look, take a look at the prices and they're pretty expensive.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... Yeah... but, you know, they used to ha- they used to have a Kay-Bee Toys here and I- that's where I got my- turns out- my thousand dollar shopping spree I won around the... around the Adventures- the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog...
 '''Emily:''' Uh-huh.
 '''Chris:''' That sweepstakes, you might remember I put something about that...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah!
 '''Chris:''' ...you might remember that, uh, news clip...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah! I've seen it.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah...
 
 Chris nervously takes a few steps.
 
 '''Chris:''' Wow... you're like... I'm sorry.
 '''Emily:''' *nervous laughter*
 '''Chris:''' I'm just fascinated like... you're just like... a character from PGSM or from- came all the way from Japan- just leapt out of my television!
 '''Emily:''' *nervous laughter* No I'm definitely all American.
 '''Chris:''' You're all American.
 '''Emily:''' I'm all American.
 '''Chris:''' Okay- so it's just- it's just your eyes that are excepting.
 '''Emily:''' *shameless subject change* Yeah... so what's your favorite store here?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah it's- currently, since they took away the toy store- I think it's- I would say it's mostly Gamestop, but I also go to the bookstore or Sears, or even the Spencer's that's down on the other side of the mall. And they used to have an FYE here, which was a Suncoast before- before it- before they all merged and became an FYE, but then they closed that to make the next business here.
 '''Emily:''' What's down the other way... cause I've been... I came down this way, but I haven't been down that way.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, we'll go down that way! Alright. I hope- Hope you don't mind me sticking around your left side...
 '''Emily:''' *bravely* Okay, that's fine!
 '''Chris:''' I mean, I guess I should keep my hands to myself and behave, right?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, you should probably do that.
 '''Chris:''' I mean, I'm just trying to be friendly.
 '''Emily:''' *nervous laughter*
 '''Chris:''' But, you know, not- but you know- respectful- touch you gently on the shoulder or the back-
 '''Emily:''' *vomitously* Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' I mean at least I'm not that guy from Inuyasha that... go- eh- go for the bum.
 '''Emily:''' *vomitously* Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Heh-heh, that's funny. Always get slapped in the face, he does.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' I forget his name, I think it's Mamoru, or something like that
 '''Emily:''' Uh.... it's Miroku.
 '''Chris:''' *talking over her* Do you watch Inuyasha? Yeah, Miroku, that was it, you hi- you hit it on the head right there...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 
 Emily awkwardly walks several steps...
 
 '''Emily:''' *delaying* Is that the... food court there?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah that's basically the food court.
 '''Emily:''' OK...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah it use- it used to have McDonalds here-
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' ...soooo many years ago across from the Gamestop there, back then it was called Babbages...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' And then between them and Suncoast was FunCo Land and Software Etc. and they all merged into a Ga- they all merged into Gamestop
 '''Emily:''' Oh... never heard about that...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... I'm sh- I'm sh- I'm sure you must've at least noticed those game stores back in your youth-
 '''Emily:''' Yeah... I play video games sometimes, but not very often...
 '''Saleschump:''' HELLO WOULD YOU LIKE HARAAGARALABHGH
 '''Emily:''' Oh, no thank you!
 '''Chris:''' No thank you!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... right over- see- where that *unintelligble name of store*, that's where PacSun used to be, where Anna McLerran
 '''Emily:''' Oh yeah... I've... I've heard of her as well...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah...
 '''Emily:''' Is she still around?
 '''Chris:''' No she, uh- moved to Utah.
 '''Emily:''' Utah...
 '''Chris:''' She's a Mormon. Found that out after I met her. But we cam- but we- but we could became good friends and I gave her, uh, you know, gave her a going away/birthday party before she left for Utah...
 '''Emily:''' Uh-huh!
 '''Chris:''' For her 20th birthday... and actually her- actual- and actually her friends, uh, her friends and I got together and put together the party. *emphatically* I k- I bought the cake.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, that's nice of you... and... there was also Megan. Do you keep in contact with her?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah uh... no, not-no-n-n-not-been-touch with her for a long time.
 '''Emily:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' That's cause she moved to another state.
 '''Emily:''' Oh... did she move to Utah too?
 '''Chris:''' Uh, no, I don't think she moved to Utah, I don't even remember where she moved to.
 '''Emily:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' But you know, sometimes, I, uh, I dream I'm back in uh, Manchester High, you know, I get to see all my- all my old s- c- all my old friends... there.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Sometimes I even see Megan and John in there... John's her brother...
 '''Emily:''' Oh ok...
 '''Chris:''' Can you believe that, attending Manchester High like I was back then,
 '''Emily:''' *small laughter*
 '''Chris:''' ...but yet they never went- they never been- they never been to Manchester High, neither of them. Isn't that... kinda funny?
 '''Emily:''' *slightly sarcastically* Yeah... that is kinda funny!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... FYE was over there...
 '''Emily:''' Oh... I guess it's becoming a LensCrafters?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, I guess... anyway here's the Spencer's.
 '''Emily:''' Oh...
 '''Chris:''' If you like looking at the, uh, naughty stuff-
 '''Emily:''' *quickly* No, I'm not into that.
 '''Chris:''' Not yet anyway! *laughs*
 '''Emily:''' *nervous laughter*
 '''Chris:''' Ah, but you might. But it's mostly humorous, anyway.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah... well... doesn't look like there's anything down here...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... not much... not much to look at around here... the toy stores around here are down here...
 '''Emily:''' Oh... well I gotta get going soon, it's gonna be a long drive!
 '''Chris:''' Long drive...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Well I hope, uh, you at least, uh, keep the memories we've shared...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah I'll walk you to your car, if you want...
 '''Emily:''' No, I'll probably have to go to the bathroom first... it's that time of the month...
 '''Chris:''' Oh.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, when you're on your, uh, period...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah... *nervous laughter*
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, you know, aside from the, uh, first time, uh, meeting, this first meeting, uh, how do you feel about me? In general...
 '''Emily:''' You're a really nice guy!
 '''Chris:''' Thank you...
 '''Emily:''' I don't know why people pick on you and all that...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, they should get to know me in person...
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Chris:''' I mean I'm a gentleman, I behave... behave...
 '''Emily:''' *steering the beast* Have you been into any of these stores over here?

==Meet the Pickle (01:21:44 - 01:25:29)==

 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible) Yeah, so, um, you wouldn't want to go see Watchmen, would you?
 '''Chris:''' Uh... no.
 '''Emily:''' I'd see that movie.
 '''Chris:''' *shocked* Uh... any particular reason why you're dressed up like that?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Not in particular.
 '''Chris:''' Come on, Emily.
 '''Emily:''' What?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Hey, hey, maybe the lady wants to go with me. Ya, ya want to go see Watchmen? Lots of, uh...
 '''Emily:''' *gloating* Why, what's wrong?
 '''Chris:''' The man in the pickle suit... a- it's apparent this guy's amongst the... trolls.
 '''Pickle Man:''' You think...
 '''Emily:''' What's a tro...
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Curious Bystander:''' Sir... sir, what are you?
 '''Pickle Man:''' I'm a pickle.
 '''Curious Bystander:''' You're a pickle! I love pickles.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Yeah? Pickles are pretty cool.
 '''Curious Bystander:''' And who are you advertising with?
 '''Pickle Man:''' I'm not really advertising.
 '''Curious Bystander:''' You're just dressed for fun?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Just bored.
 '''Chris:''' Dressed as a pickle to HAUNT ME.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Excuse me? I don't even know you.
 '''Curious Bystander:''' You're just bored?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Yep!
 '''Chris:''' *questioningly* You don't even know me... are you sure... do you have internet access?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Lots of people have internet access.
 '''Chris:''' Do you know Sonichu and Rosechu?
 '''Pickle Man:''' No, I do not.
 '''Chris:''' Do you know about Encyclopedia Dramatica?
 '''Pickle Man:''' No, I do not. (turning to Emily) Want to go see Watchmen?
 '''Chris:''' *stress sighs* No, no, no, she's with-
 '''Emily:''' Alright!
 '''Chris:''' ...she's h- she's headed over to- she's heading back to her home town.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Uh, Watchmen would be pretty cool.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, it would be pretty cool!
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, alright, uh...
 '''Emily:''' Let's go see it!
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah?
 '''Pickle Man:''' (to Emily as they turn to leave together) You've probably seen Watchmen (he refers to the novel), haven't you?
 '''Chris:''' (answering the question meant for Emily as he is clearly left behind) I've heard of Watchmen...
 '''Pickle Man:''' *laughs at Chris*
 '''Emily:''' Yeah!
 '''Chris:''' (inaudible, but clearly saying something to the effect that he doesn't like the Pickle Man.)
 '''Emily:''' *gloating* What's wrong with him?
 '''Pickle Man:''' What, you like pickles?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah... I do not like pickles.
 '''Pickle Man:''' No pickles?
 '''Chris:''' And also particularly a guy in a pickle suit who tricked me on the internet pretending that he was Blanca!
 '''Emily:''' There's nothing wrong with him!
 '''Pickle Man:''' Who's Blanca?
 '''Chris:''' *stress sighs/grunts*
 '''Emily:''' There's nothing wrong with him! See, he's a nice guy.
 '''Chris:''' (inaudible, but stressed as he moves closer to Emily)
 '''Pickle Man:''' I think you're making the lady uncomfortable there, Chris.
 '''Chris:''' *stress sighs* I'm sorry, Emily.
 '''Emily:''' It's ok... I think I have... to go to the bathroom now...
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, go change my tampon.
 '''Chris:''' Oh boy. (indistinct)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' (indistinct) ...but I guess I do now.
 '''Emily:''' *attempting to brush him off* OK, well it was nice meeting you... maybe we'll talk online or something.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah well... I kinda... (indistinct)
 '''Pickle Man:''' (as they continue trying to walk away) Well, we're going to go now.
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah well...
 '''Emily:''' I'm going to the bathroom.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, uh, either of- (to Pickle Man) you're not going where she's going...
 '''Pickle Man:''' Uh, we're- we're leaving together.
 '''Chris:''' Are you with her?
 '''Pickle Man:''' Now we are. We're going to go see Watchmen.
 '''Chris:''' No! N- no! She's going b- you gotta go back to West Virginia, don't you.
 '''Pickle Man:''' We're going to go see Watchmen first.
 '''Emily:''' I'm kinda- just- gonna- Watchmen's not that long of a movie.
 '''Chris:''' *suddenly concerned for Emily* Yeah, but you got a five hour drive!
 '''Emily:''' *dismissively* It'll be ok.
 
 The Pickle Man and Chris indistinctly carry on a short dialogue. The Pickle Man seems to be asking Chris why he is following along, and Chris replies:
 
 '''Chris:''' I'm just staying close to my friends
 '''Emily:''' Alright, see ya!

==Emily Rides the Red Tide (01:25:29 - 01:29:34)==
{{incomplete}}

==A Precious Farewell (01:29:35 - 01:31:10)==
 '''Pickle Man:''' So, you ready to go?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah, my car's that way.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Okay.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, her car's... Your car's (inaudible) didn't you?
 '''Emily:''' Yeah.
 '''Chris:''' Yeah, so did I.
 '''Emily:''' Oh, you did?
 '''Chris:''' Yeah.
 '''Emily:''' Which (inaudible)? 
 '''Chris:''' Tha- that way.
 '''Emily:''' Oh... I'm over there. 
 '''Chris:''' Oh. (continues walking alongside Pickle Man and Emily) 
 '''Emily:''' Chris... you don't need to walk me to my car. 
 '''Chris:''' Okaaay. 
 '''Emily:''' This is... Alright.
 '''Chris:''' So, you have yourself a safe trip back to uhh... West Virginia. 
 '''Emily:''' Oh... (feigning cheerfulness) okay! I might call you on Skype later.
 '''Chris:''' Okay, you take care. 
 '''Emily:''' You too.
 '''Chris:''' Hey... (attempts to hug and kiss Emily) 
 '''Emily:''' (tries to avoid Chris) No... no... no thank you! (nervous laughter) No thank you. 
 '''Chris:''' (Chris gives up) Okay. 
 '''Emily:''' Alright, see you. 
 '''Chris:''' Alright, well you take care, be safe. 
 '''Emily:''' Alright, you too. 
(8 seconds pass as Pickle Man and Emily walk away from Chris)
 '''Chris:''' (yelling from a distance) HE KNOWS CLYDE CASH! 
(laughter from Pickle Man and Emily)
 '''Emily:''' (laughing) Mission accomplished! 
 '''Pickle Man:''' Is he gone yet?
 '''Emily:''' I don't know, let me look behind. 
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible) I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry.
 '''Emily:''' That's okay!. (inaudible) worse than me... 
 '''Pickle Man:''' I'm so sorry.
 '''Emily:''' That's okay. 
 '''Pickle Man:''' (inaudible)
 '''Emily:''' Yeah...
 '''Pickle Man:''' Okay... (inaudible) man in the pickle suit? 
 '''Emily:''' (laughs) 
 '''Pickle Man:''' (laughingly says something about Clyde Cash)
 '''Emily:''' (laughs) Wait there... there's Frosty. 
 '''Pickle Man:''' What?
 '''Emily:''' Looks like he's gone now. I'm gonna go tell him what happened.
 '''Pickle Man:''' Okay.
 '''Emily:''' (presumably walking to see Frosty) Yes! Still recording!

=External links=
* [http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?hgz03i1wj4n The Date Audio]

[[Category:Historical Documents]]
[[Category:Trolling]]

Anne Boleyn

2010-01-08T06:03:14Z

Thundercunt: /* Not possible */

[[Image:Anne_boleyn.jpg|thumb|right|The ancestor of the man who gave birth to Sonichu? Though, it would explain why she was called a witch. ]]

'''Anne Boleyn''' (died 1536) was Queen of England as the second wife of King Henry VIII. [[Chris]] claims to be a descendent of her from his [[Barbara|mother]]'s side of the family, via [[Daniel Weston]] who was on the Mayflower.<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007]]</ref>

It is not known when or how Chris got this idea. In [[August 2005]], he tried to impress a girl on [[MySpace]] with this fact simply because she was interested in royalty.<ref>[[MySpace#Jalena]]</ref>

In late 2008, Chris deduced that he is also descended from Mary Boleyn (Anne's sister, not mother), the 1st Earl of Portland (Richard Weston, who was born later in 1577),<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate May 3rd, 2009]]</ref> and later Earls of Portland.<ref name="IRC">[[IRC (31 December 2008)]]</ref> Chris had looked up Richard Weston and Mary Boleyn on [[Wikipedia]] to find a link between them.<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref> This fact strengthens the view that Chris made the whole thing up himself without being told by his mother.

In [[May 2009]], Chris gave his ancestry as a reason for Wikipedia to have an article on him.<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate May 3rd, 2009]]</ref>

==Not possible==

Aside from the fact that [[Daniel Weston]] did not exist, Anne Boleyn had only one daughter, Queen Elizabeth I. It is downright false that Chris is descended from her, because, like Chris, Elizabeth I was a famous [[virgin with rage]]. Here is an example of Chris's lackluster research:

: <cogsdev> What countries in the world you would like to visit and why?
: <ChrisChanSonichu> Japan; Anime and Videogames and culture.
: <ChrisChanSonichu> England.
: <ChrisChanSonichu> France
: <ChrisChanSonichu> those two, because I'm part British, French and Cherokee; I'm a decendant from Anne Bolyn's Family; in relation to her being an aunt.
: <ChrisChanSonichu> *mother of Queen Elizabeth I<ref>[[IRC (22 December 2008)]]</ref>

Luckily [[YouTube]] wasn't invented in the 16th century, nor was Queen Elizabeth known to sit around the [[Fashion Square Mall|Ye Olde shoppes]] with [[Attraction Sign|idiotic signs]].

On the other hand, Queen Elizabeth ''was'' a perpetual virgin (rage status unknown), and one of her alleged romances was with a man who ended up committing high treason, which is not dissimilar to 16th-Century Trolling. This makes it slightly more plausible for Chris to be a relative of Her Britannic Majesty.

==Sauces==
<references />

{{People}}

[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Imaginary Family Members]]
[[Category:Dead]]

Anne Boleyn

2010-01-08T06:02:38Z

Thundercunt: /* Not possible */

[[Image:Anne_boleyn.jpg|thumb|right|The ancestor of the man who gave birth to Sonichu? Though, it would explain why she was called a witch. ]]

'''Anne Boleyn''' (died 1536) was Queen of England as the second wife of King Henry VIII. [[Chris]] claims to be a descendent of her from his [[Barbara|mother]]'s side of the family, via [[Daniel Weston]] who was on the Mayflower.<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate November 7th, 2007]]</ref>

It is not known when or how Chris got this idea. In [[August 2005]], he tried to impress a girl on [[MySpace]] with this fact simply because she was interested in royalty.<ref>[[MySpace#Jalena]]</ref>

In late 2008, Chris deduced that he is also descended from Mary Boleyn (Anne's sister, not mother), the 1st Earl of Portland (Richard Weston, who was born later in 1577),<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate May 3rd, 2009]]</ref> and later Earls of Portland.<ref name="IRC">[[IRC (31 December 2008)]]</ref> Chris had looked up Richard Weston and Mary Boleyn on [[Wikipedia]] to find a link between them.<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref> This fact strengthens the view that Chris made the whole thing up himself without being told by his mother.

In [[May 2009]], Chris gave his ancestry as a reason for Wikipedia to have an article on him.<ref>[[Captain's Log, Stardate May 3rd, 2009]]</ref>

==Not possible==

Aside from the fact that [[Daniel Weston]] did not exist, Anne Boleyn had only one daughter, Queen Elizabeth I. It is downright false that Chris is descended from her, because, like Chris, Elizabeth I was a famous [[virgin with rage]]. Here is an example of Chris's lackluster research:

: <cogsdev> What countries in the world you would like to visit and why?
: <ChrisChanSonichu> Japan; Anime and Videogames and culture.
: <ChrisChanSonichu> England.
: <ChrisChanSonichu> France
: <ChrisChanSonichu> those two, because I'm part British, French and Cherokee; I'm a decendant from Anne Bolyn's Family; in relation to her being an aunt.
: <ChrisChanSonichu> *mother of Queen Elizabeth I<ref>[[IRC (22 December 2008)]]</ref>

Luckily [[YouTube]] wasn't invented in the 16th century, nor was Queen Elizabeth known to sit around the [[Fashion Square Mall|Ye Olde shoppes]] with [[Attraction Sign|idiotic signs]].

On the other hand, Queen Elizabeth [i]was[/i] a perpetual virgin (rage status unknown), and one of her alleged romances was with a man who ended up committing high treason, which is not dissimilar to 16th-Century Trolling. This makes it slightly more plausible for Chris to be a relative of Her Britannic Majesty.

==Sauces==
<references />

{{People}}

[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Imaginary Family Members]]
[[Category:Dead]]

CWCville

2010-01-06T01:12:45Z

Thundercunt: /* Government */

{{quote|I'm still the mayor of CWCville. There is no elections.|[[Chris-chan Discusses...]]}}

'''CWCville''' (Pronounced: Quick-ville, IPA: [kwɪk vɪɫ]) is [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris-chan's]] imaginary world.

{| class="wikitable collapsible collapsed" align="right" border="1"
! CWC ON LOCATION
|-
| Photo:
| [[Image:CWCville.jpg|thumb]]
|-
| Location:
| CWCville, <s>VA</s> SOMEWHERE
|-
| Coordinates:
| Unknown, possibly the same as [[Charlottesville]] in a parallel universe.
|-
| Classification:
| Delusional autonomous city-state
|-
| Date established:
| 2000, possibly earlier
|-
| Population:
| Unknown. Mixed population of humans, pokemon and recolors
|-
| Zip/post code:
| Unknown
|-
| Area code:
| N/A, communication system relies on classified Nintendo DS link
|-
| Website:
| Defunct
|-
| Also known as:
| Chris's mind
|-
| Produces:
| Excessive undeveloped characters, Autistic manchildren
|-
| Current relevance:
| Main location of events in the [[Sonichu]] universe.
|}

==CWCville, USA==

Considering how it's portrayed, its full name could be the ''Our Glorious Leader's True and Honest Lovers' City of CWCville'', in a way similar to the [http://www.korea-dpr.com/ Democratic People's Republic of Korea].

CWCville is actually two things: a fictional setting for the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comic]], and Chris's long-ongoing pet project - many might call it a "happy place" and an imaginary refuge from the harsh reality. The two things overlap very much. It's sort of like his own personal Silent Hill - except that instead of being a twisted Hell full of violent rage and nightmare beasts, it's a disturbingly cheerful place where Chris's bouncy creations laugh, frolic, and [[sex|fuck]] for his amusement exactly like Silent Hill. Characters are introduced without warning and fall by the wayside just as quickly; nobody's quite sure what becomes of them, but knowing Chris it probably involves anguished shrieks emanating from a love dungeon below the Mayor's house.

In the ''Sonichu'' comic book world, the town is allegedly located in the state of [[Virginia]], but being a figment of Chris Chan's imagination, it will never be found on an actual map. Yet, in many ways, it seems the city is legislatively and economically cut off from the rest of Virginia and the United States. In this city, Chris Chan is a despotic mayor, where he controls everything at his own will and dictates new laws, granting him the basis of his megalomaniac tendencies.

Inside the comic, CWCville is at a fierce rivalry with neighboring city [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|PVCC]]. It is under constant attack from the evil forces of Dean [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and her army of [[Jerkops]].

==CWCville history==
According to [[Sonichu 8]], CWCville was founded in [[1982]] by Chris's father, [[Bob Chandler]]. Why he would name a city after his [[CWC|deadshit son]] is unknown.

===BILLY MAYS coup===

On 03 [[March 2009]], Chris announced that [[BILLY MAYS]] is the new mayor of CWCville and that he was going to CWCville Jail to get raped by [[niggos]].

On 04 March 2009, Chris revoked his statement that made MAYS the new mayor, establishing a government-in-exile in his bedroom. Most legal scholars, however, argue that since Chris was not wearing the [[Medallion of Fail]], which Chris has indicated is necessary for a video to be TRUE and HONEST (and any retraction otherwise would involve him wearing the medallion to make his retraction legally binding), his statements to the contrary are false and therefore not legally binding, meaning BILLY MAYS is still the mayor of CWCville.

On 28 [[June 2009]] BILLY MAYS, was mysteriously killed in his mayoral mansion, plunging the entire town into mourning. Chris wasted no time in seizing control of CWCville, and quickly undid all of MAYS' initiatives, before announcing during a [[Chris_chan_Discusses|post-coup interview]] that he was always the ruler, and that there would be no further elections. Rioting quickly broke out (along with sympathy riots in Iran and China) before Chris seized the state-controlled media and broadcast his denials on CWC TV 24/7.

==CWCville IRL==
[[Image:CWCvilleMapProper.jpg|thumb|300px|[[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]]'s welfare housing in relation to the rest of CWCville. Note that CWCville's postal code is the same as Chris's birthday, and that the address is nearly identical to his real address.]]

The IRL timeline concerning the creation of CWCville is uncertain, however we do know that is has existed since Chris's high school year, before [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] was originally thought of in March of [[2000]]. Evidence photography of CWCville being replicated from Chris's mind to reality with [[Lego]] blocks have proven that CWCville was in fact one of his first creations, even disputing in antiquity with the creation of [[Bionic the Hedgehog]], Christian's first Sonic recolor.

It has been argued that Chris's retard power stems from the fact that he can retreat to his own CWCville world, where he can right all wrongs done to him. In his comics, we see him defeating Mary Lee Walsh, with whom he holds an IRL grudge, beating around the jerkops, and bringing his dead dog, [[Patti Chandler]], back to life in the form of another inhabitant. The main reason Chris can do such superhuman acts as defeating a whole army of huge [[Jerkops]] and resurrecting his dead dog is that in CWCville his will reigns supreme. This serves as a blanket that protects his physically and mentally weak self from the outside world in which he holds no such power.

==Spelling==

One of Chris's [[The Wall of Originals|homemade Pokémon cards]] featured a "Cwick City Gym," while [[City_of_Cwicville_Tour!|an unfinished Game Boy Camera project]] dating from [[2001]] used the spellings "Cwicville" and "Cwickville". It is unknown why he changed the spelling. Likely the alternate spelling just didn't stimulate his [[Chris and his ego|his massive ego]] as much as his unaltered initials, even if it makes a lot less sense.

==Government==
[[Image:CWCvilleArea.jpg|thumb|300px|Map of CWCville area. Notice how [[Sonic]]'s house is bigger than the entirety of Pallet Town.]]

CWCville is like many contemporary third world countries. There's a non-elected leader who does what he pleases, but gives himself the title of an elected official: mayor. Business owners and managers who try to stand up for themselves are ruthlessly crushed. The police don't take orders from the civil authorities and lock people up at random, [[Mary Lee Walsh|the dean]] of [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|the only college]] is leading a hopeless resistance and is vilified in the [[Comic|mayoral-controlled press]]. [[Attraction Sign|Soliciting sex]] is presumably legal in CWCville, whereas possessing [[alcohol]] or [[tobacky|tabacco]] is a capital offense, even though the mayor gleefully downs booze with hypocritical abandon. Laws have been enacted to persecute homosexuals, and [[Mailbag 31|psychic surveillance is used to monitor sexual purity]]; in a predictable display of bureaucratic cluelessness, this important task has been somehow handed to [[Magi-Chan|an obvious closet case]].

The [[KCWC|radio station]] and [[CWC Cola|soft drink company]] are also named after the mayor, which indicates either nationalization of normally private businesses or rampant cronyism. CWCville mints its own money, which comes in confusing denominations--for instance, there are two kinds of quarter, the C and W, which are mutually exclusive to the point where vending machines will take only one or the other, and the exchange rate between the two is inexact. The basic services are lacking: [[Blake|African Sonichu]] wasn't sent to a hospital ER after being attacked by [[Silvana]], but was sent to a wholly inadequate [[Pokémon]] Center instead. Despite the seemingly [[Jack thaddeus phone call 3|large police force equipped with weapons and TANKS, and even an entire division of the United States Army]], troublemakers like [[Wes Iseli]] ruin weddings with near impunity. Packs of wild Pokémon who have [[Chris and the Law#In the Comics|received procedural immunity from the mayor]] roam the streets, uncontrolled. The [[CWCville Shopping Center|rare buildings of CWCville]] are sad, lopsided affairs, betraying [[CADD|a lack of architectural and engineering skills]] brought on by a national brain drain, as the educated classes seek asylum in the US or Europe (the map shows many buildings, but they tend not to appear in [[Comic|pictures]] - we can assume they were destroyed in some sort of civil war). As the poor citizens of CWCville suffer in the squalor of refugee camps, the mayor wastes precious UN aid money on [[Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|oversize novelty drinking straws]] and [[Patti-chan|credit cards for dogs]]. As of [[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas|Christmas 2008]], there were 10 homeless shelters set up: [[Mailbag_20|Chris himself]] claims that these ten story "Soup Hotels" house an indigent population of 900-1800 individuals, and come equipped with free cable TV. They are almost certainly havens for junkies, crack dealers and whores openly plying their trade in the hallways and elevators, while the mayor's personal friends, such as Sonichu, live in state-sponsored, suburban housing.

Conditions in CWCville are worsening daily. As mayoral forces clash with [[Jerkop|rebel police]] in the streets of the capital, aid organizations have been forced to withdraw. While his people starve, mayor Chandler has funneled government money into illegal arms trades with North Korea and Iran, with the stated goal of building a rocket to "send all the [[tobacky]] to the moon". The lavish living conditions and the [[Mailbag 21|salary of his squad of pokemons goons (3500$/Month)]] is fully supported by the city's budget.

Exactly how CWCville's government operates is quite nebulous and mystified. Chandler is mayor-for-life with supreme power, and has insisted that there are no elections, but he has also insisted that the vote has "even" been extended to [[Niggos|those of African descent]]. Voting, obviously, does little good when there are no elections, so it looks like this may just be a token attempt to disassociate the government from the rabid racism of CWCville's populace.

Recently, it was revealed that CWCville has a paramilitary force armed with tanks. This is what Chris considers the "Police Force". Even more frightening, the Electric Hedgehog Pokemon are immune to prosecution for any crimes they may end up doing.

With this recent revelation, one must ask this all-important question:

{{Quote|Is CWCville under MARTIAL LAW?!?!|[[Jack Thaddeus]]}}

==Flora and fauna==
[[Image:zapbud.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Zapbud]]
CWCville, like the rest of Virginia, has a temperate climate and is suitable for large-scale agriculture. Years of economic decline, however, have seen CWCville's environs diverge greatly from those of its neighboring cities. Its forests growing thicker, and its fields returning to nature, CWCville is an excellent laboratory for the avid naturalist. Pokemon roam in the forests; Zapbuds fill the fields.

====Zapbud====

'''Zapbuds''' Are a horrible new invasive species imported from the hell-hole of Chris's mind and have quickly established itself in the sorrunding ecosystems, killing off native species such as the Wild Pickle Tree with it's weedy tendencies. While some claim Zapbud's have [[Sonichu's_Ode_to_Rosechu|narcotic properties]] similar to opium poppies, little attempt has been made to market or cultivate them outside of CWCville due to intervention from environmental groups from letting this horrific weed from spreading. Aside of "healing woes", relatively little is known of them, aside of having four leaves, possibly resembling buds of some sort in their normal state, and the "zap" and electrical hazard symbol suggesting that it might not be the brightest idea to pee in the middle of a zapbud field. In the comics, Sonichu is fond of calling Rosechu his "zapbud", or even "blossoming zapbud" if he's ''in the mood.''

Chris has, as frequently demonstrated, failed to develop his characters through his stories. The fact that he fails to demonstrate some character for ''plants'' is just plain ''tragic''. For crying out loud, just how hard can it be to make readers give a damn about a fictitious <s>plant</s> weed that looks like something from a children's televison show?

==Anomalies==

It is curious to note that while Chris reigns supreme over his imaginary town, it is still subject to the will of other people (as evidenced by BILLY MAYS' election). This gives a small insight into the workings of Chris's mind, as it implies a belief in the physicality of his realm. Any sane person could agree to "proclaim" BILLY MAYS the mayor of their fictional city with an offhand shrug, since it doesn't actually ''mean'' anything. They certainly wouldn't take it seriously enough to feel the need to clarify that they didn't mean it. The long and short of this is that Chris's creations are, to him, subject to certain physical laws and structures which IRL he is unable or unwilling to comprehend. This suggests that if efforts were made to convince Chris that, for example, Sonichu had terminal cancer, Chris would be unable to 'cure' him and may, in fact, kill him off himself. Such theories are yet to be put to the test.

==See also==
* [[CWCville Shopping Center]]
* [[CWCville Mayoral Office]]

==Links==
* [http://www.onetruecwcville.net/index.php CWCville's official website]
* [http://www.freewebs.com/cwcvillechronicles/educationincwcville.htm CWCVille Chronicles], dark fanfic
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao1CIn7qkaY CWCville Mayor Campaign 2010]

{{CWCverse}}
[[Category:Chris-chan]]
[[Category:Places]]
[[Category:Sonichu]]

CWCville

2010-01-06T01:11:00Z

Thundercunt: /* Government */

{{quote|I'm still the mayor of CWCville. There is no elections.|[[Chris-chan Discusses...]]}}

'''CWCville''' (Pronounced: Quick-ville, IPA: [kwɪk vɪɫ]) is [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris-chan's]] imaginary world.

{| class="wikitable collapsible collapsed" align="right" border="1"
! CWC ON LOCATION
|-
| Photo:
| [[Image:CWCville.jpg|thumb]]
|-
| Location:
| CWCville, <s>VA</s> SOMEWHERE
|-
| Coordinates:
| Unknown, possibly the same as [[Charlottesville]] in a parallel universe.
|-
| Classification:
| Delusional autonomous city-state
|-
| Date established:
| 2000, possibly earlier
|-
| Population:
| Unknown. Mixed population of humans, pokemon and recolors
|-
| Zip/post code:
| Unknown
|-
| Area code:
| N/A, communication system relies on classified Nintendo DS link
|-
| Website:
| Defunct
|-
| Also known as:
| Chris's mind
|-
| Produces:
| Excessive undeveloped characters, Autistic manchildren
|-
| Current relevance:
| Main location of events in the [[Sonichu]] universe.
|}

==CWCville, USA==

Considering how it's portrayed, its full name could be the ''Our Glorious Leader's True and Honest Lovers' City of CWCville'', in a way similar to the [http://www.korea-dpr.com/ Democratic People's Republic of Korea].

CWCville is actually two things: a fictional setting for the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'' comic]], and Chris's long-ongoing pet project - many might call it a "happy place" and an imaginary refuge from the harsh reality. The two things overlap very much. It's sort of like his own personal Silent Hill - except that instead of being a twisted Hell full of violent rage and nightmare beasts, it's a disturbingly cheerful place where Chris's bouncy creations laugh, frolic, and [[sex|fuck]] for his amusement exactly like Silent Hill. Characters are introduced without warning and fall by the wayside just as quickly; nobody's quite sure what becomes of them, but knowing Chris it probably involves anguished shrieks emanating from a love dungeon below the Mayor's house.

In the ''Sonichu'' comic book world, the town is allegedly located in the state of [[Virginia]], but being a figment of Chris Chan's imagination, it will never be found on an actual map. Yet, in many ways, it seems the city is legislatively and economically cut off from the rest of Virginia and the United States. In this city, Chris Chan is a despotic mayor, where he controls everything at his own will and dictates new laws, granting him the basis of his megalomaniac tendencies.

Inside the comic, CWCville is at a fierce rivalry with neighboring city [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|PVCC]]. It is under constant attack from the evil forces of Dean [[Mary Lee Walsh]] and her army of [[Jerkops]].

==CWCville history==
According to [[Sonichu 8]], CWCville was founded in [[1982]] by Chris's father, [[Bob Chandler]]. Why he would name a city after his [[CWC|deadshit son]] is unknown.

===BILLY MAYS coup===

On 03 [[March 2009]], Chris announced that [[BILLY MAYS]] is the new mayor of CWCville and that he was going to CWCville Jail to get raped by [[niggos]].

On 04 March 2009, Chris revoked his statement that made MAYS the new mayor, establishing a government-in-exile in his bedroom. Most legal scholars, however, argue that since Chris was not wearing the [[Medallion of Fail]], which Chris has indicated is necessary for a video to be TRUE and HONEST (and any retraction otherwise would involve him wearing the medallion to make his retraction legally binding), his statements to the contrary are false and therefore not legally binding, meaning BILLY MAYS is still the mayor of CWCville.

On 28 [[June 2009]] BILLY MAYS, was mysteriously killed in his mayoral mansion, plunging the entire town into mourning. Chris wasted no time in seizing control of CWCville, and quickly undid all of MAYS' initiatives, before announcing during a [[Chris_chan_Discusses|post-coup interview]] that he was always the ruler, and that there would be no further elections. Rioting quickly broke out (along with sympathy riots in Iran and China) before Chris seized the state-controlled media and broadcast his denials on CWC TV 24/7.

==CWCville IRL==
[[Image:CWCvilleMapProper.jpg|thumb|300px|[[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]]'s welfare housing in relation to the rest of CWCville. Note that CWCville's postal code is the same as Chris's birthday, and that the address is nearly identical to his real address.]]

The IRL timeline concerning the creation of CWCville is uncertain, however we do know that is has existed since Chris's high school year, before [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] was originally thought of in March of [[2000]]. Evidence photography of CWCville being replicated from Chris's mind to reality with [[Lego]] blocks have proven that CWCville was in fact one of his first creations, even disputing in antiquity with the creation of [[Bionic the Hedgehog]], Christian's first Sonic recolor.

It has been argued that Chris's retard power stems from the fact that he can retreat to his own CWCville world, where he can right all wrongs done to him. In his comics, we see him defeating Mary Lee Walsh, with whom he holds an IRL grudge, beating around the jerkops, and bringing his dead dog, [[Patti Chandler]], back to life in the form of another inhabitant. The main reason Chris can do such superhuman acts as defeating a whole army of huge [[Jerkops]] and resurrecting his dead dog is that in CWCville his will reigns supreme. This serves as a blanket that protects his physically and mentally weak self from the outside world in which he holds no such power.

==Spelling==

One of Chris's [[The Wall of Originals|homemade Pokémon cards]] featured a "Cwick City Gym," while [[City_of_Cwicville_Tour!|an unfinished Game Boy Camera project]] dating from [[2001]] used the spellings "Cwicville" and "Cwickville". It is unknown why he changed the spelling. Likely the alternate spelling just didn't stimulate his [[Chris and his ego|his massive ego]] as much as his unaltered initials, even if it makes a lot less sense.

==Government==
[[Image:CWCvilleArea.jpg|thumb|300px|Map of CWCville area. Notice how [[Sonic]]'s house is bigger than the entirety of Pallet Town.]]

CWCville is like many contemporary third world countries. There's a non-elected leader who does what he pleases, but gives himself the title of an elected official: mayor. Business owners and managers who try to stand up for themselves are ruthlessly crushed. The police don't take orders from the civil authorities and lock people up at random, [[Mary Lee Walsh|the dean]] of [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens|the only college]] is leading a hopeless resistance and is vilified in the [[Comic|mayoral-controlled press]]. [[Attraction Sign|Soliciting sex]] is presumably legal in CWCville, whereas possessing [[alcohol]] or [[tobacky|tabacco]] is a capital offense, even though the mayor gleefully downs booze with hypocritical abandon. Laws have been enacted to persecute homosexuals, and [[Mailbag 31|psychic surveillance is used to monitor sexual purity]]; in a predictable display of bureaucratic cluelessness, this important task has been somehow handed to [[Magi-Chan|an obvious closet case]].

The [[KCWC|radio station]] and [[CWC Cola|soft drink company]] are also named after the mayor, which indicates either nationalization of normally private businesses or rampant cronyism. CWCville mints its own money, which comes in confusing denominations--for instance, there are two kinds of quarter, the C and W, which are mutually exclusive to the point where vending machines will take only one or the other, and the exchange rate between the two is inexact. The basic services are lacking: [[Blake|African Sonichu]] wasn't sent to a hospital ER after being attacked by [[Silvana]], but was sent to a wholly inadequate [[Pokémon]] Center instead. Despite the seemingly [[Jack thaddeus phone call 3|large police force equipped with weapons and TANKS, and even an entire division of the United States Army]], troublemakers like [[Wes Iseli]] ruin weddings with near impunity. Packs of wild Pokémon who have [[Chris and the Law#In the Comics|received procedural immunity from the mayor]] roam the streets, uncontrolled. The [[CWCville Shopping Center|rare buildings of CWCville]] are sad, lopsided affairs, betraying [[CADD|a lack of architectural and engineering skills]] brought on by a national brain drain, as the educated classes seek asylum in the US or Europe (the map shows many buildings, but they tend not to appear in [[Comic|pictures]] - we can assume they were destroyed in some sort of civil war). As the poor citizens of CWCville suffer in the squalor of refugee camps, the mayor wastes precious UN aid money on [[Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|oversize novelty drinking straws]] and [[Patti-chan|credit cards for dogs]]. As of [[A Sonichu and Rosechu Christmas|Christmas 2008]], there were 10 homeless shelters set up: [[Mailbag_20|Chris himself]] claims that these ten story "Soup Hotels" house an indigent population of 900-1800 individuals, and come equipped with free cable TV. They are almost certainly havens for junkies, crack dealers and whores openly plying their trade in the hallways and elevators, while the mayor's personal friends, such as Sonichu, live in state-sponsored, suburban housing.

Conditions in CWCville are worsening daily. As mayoral forces clash with [[Jerkop|rebel police]] in the streets of the capital, aid organizations have been forced to withdraw. While his people starve, mayor Chandler has funneled government money into illegal arms trades with North Korea and Iran, with the stated goal of building a rocket to "send all the [[tobacky]] to the moon". The lavish living conditions and the [[Mailbag 21|salary of his squad of pokemons goons (3500$/Month)]] is fully supported by the city's budget.

Exactly how CWCville's government operates is quite nebulous and mystified. Chandler is mayor-for-life with supreme power, and has insisted that there are no elections, but he has also insisted that the vote has "even" been extended to [[Niggos|those of African descent]]. Voting, obviously, does little good when there are no elections, so it looks like this may just be a token attempt to disassociate the government from the rabid racism of CWCville's populace.

Recently, it was revealed that CWCville has a paramilitary force armed with tanks. This is what Chris considers the "Police Force". Even more frightening, the Electric Hedgehog Pokemon are immune to prosecution for any crimes they may end up doing.

With this recent revelation, one must ask this all-important question:

{{Quote|Is CWCville under MARTIAL LAW?!?!|[[Jack Thaddeus]]}}

Further evidence towards the Orwellian nature of Chris's government was brought to light in [[Mailbag_31]], where Chris revealed that Magi-Chan uses his psychic powers to keep the entire city under "Constant Surveillance", even inside the bedrooms of private citizens, on behalf of the CWCville Police. Thus, not only are the Hedgehog-Pokemon immune to prosecution, but they may accuse any other CWCville resident and have them arrested solely on their word.

==Flora and fauna==
[[Image:zapbud.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Zapbud]]
CWCville, like the rest of Virginia, has a temperate climate and is suitable for large-scale agriculture. Years of economic decline, however, have seen CWCville's environs diverge greatly from those of its neighboring cities. Its forests growing thicker, and its fields returning to nature, CWCville is an excellent laboratory for the avid naturalist. Pokemon roam in the forests; Zapbuds fill the fields.

====Zapbud====

'''Zapbuds''' Are a horrible new invasive species imported from the hell-hole of Chris's mind and have quickly established itself in the sorrunding ecosystems, killing off native species such as the Wild Pickle Tree with it's weedy tendencies. While some claim Zapbud's have [[Sonichu's_Ode_to_Rosechu|narcotic properties]] similar to opium poppies, little attempt has been made to market or cultivate them outside of CWCville due to intervention from environmental groups from letting this horrific weed from spreading. Aside of "healing woes", relatively little is known of them, aside of having four leaves, possibly resembling buds of some sort in their normal state, and the "zap" and electrical hazard symbol suggesting that it might not be the brightest idea to pee in the middle of a zapbud field. In the comics, Sonichu is fond of calling Rosechu his "zapbud", or even "blossoming zapbud" if he's ''in the mood.''

Chris has, as frequently demonstrated, failed to develop his characters through his stories. The fact that he fails to demonstrate some character for ''plants'' is just plain ''tragic''. For crying out loud, just how hard can it be to make readers give a damn about a fictitious <s>plant</s> weed that looks like something from a children's televison show?

==Anomalies==

It is curious to note that while Chris reigns supreme over his imaginary town, it is still subject to the will of other people (as evidenced by BILLY MAYS' election). This gives a small insight into the workings of Chris's mind, as it implies a belief in the physicality of his realm. Any sane person could agree to "proclaim" BILLY MAYS the mayor of their fictional city with an offhand shrug, since it doesn't actually ''mean'' anything. They certainly wouldn't take it seriously enough to feel the need to clarify that they didn't mean it. The long and short of this is that Chris's creations are, to him, subject to certain physical laws and structures which IRL he is unable or unwilling to comprehend. This suggests that if efforts were made to convince Chris that, for example, Sonichu had terminal cancer, Chris would be unable to 'cure' him and may, in fact, kill him off himself. Such theories are yet to be put to the test.

==See also==
* [[CWCville Shopping Center]]
* [[CWCville Mayoral Office]]

==Links==
* [http://www.onetruecwcville.net/index.php CWCville's official website]
* [http://www.freewebs.com/cwcvillechronicles/educationincwcville.htm CWCVille Chronicles], dark fanfic
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao1CIn7qkaY CWCville Mayor Campaign 2010]

{{CWCverse}}
[[Category:Chris-chan]]
[[Category:Places]]
[[Category:Sonichu]]