CWCki - User contributions [en]

Barbara Chandler

2018-06-22T20:57:42Z

Yellow: /* Videos */

{{DeadLinks}}
{{quote|I am close to my mother, but I would advise some space between you and your mother. And I recommend finding yourself a Girlfriend/Sweetheart to remain with in your later years of life. Mama's not gonna be around forever.|Chris gives advice to a ''Sonichu'' fan.<ref>[[Mailbag 13]]</ref>}}

{{quote|She threatens to kill me in her episode of emotional rage.|Chris on Barb.<ref name="jackie26">[[Jackie E-mails 26]]</ref>}}

{{infobox
| title = Barbara Chandler
| image = [[Image:Barb 2016.JPG|250px|center]]
|header1 = Information
|label1 = Birth name
|data1 = Barbara Anne Weston
|label2 = Also known as
|data2 = Barb [[Obesity|Snorlax]] [[:File:Chandler family as ponies.png|Sugar Darling]]
|label3 = Date of Birth
|data3 = [[Pre-1980#1940s|1 October 1941]] (age {{Age|1941|10|1}})
|label4 = Gender
|data4 = Female
|label5 = Nationality
|data5 = [[United States|American]]
|label6 = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data6 = White
|label7 = Spouse
|data7 = [[Ran Coleman Yeatts]] (1961-1963) [[Bob|Robert Franklin Chandler Jr.]] (1980-2011)
|label9 = Children
|data9 = [[Cole Smithey]] [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
|label10 = Father
|data10 = Joseph Otto "Joe" Weston (1896-1955)
|label11 = Mother
|data11 = Carrie Edna Wynn (1911-1967)
|label12 = Occupation
|data12 = Office worker (retired)
}}

'''Barbara Anne Weston Chandler'''<ref>[[Blanca E-mails#Chris likes Blanca|Email to Blanca]]</ref> (born 1 [[Wikipedia:1941#October|October 1941]]<ref>http://www.harveypowers.com/wynn/wynn/d155.html</ref>) is the widow of [[Bob Chandler]] and the mother of [[Christian Weston Chandler]] and [[Cole Smithey]]. The sole recognition for her motherly qualities is the Mother of the Year [[2000]] Award Chris created for her.<ref>[[A Week With Christian Chandler#Page 13|A Week With Christian Chandler, page 13]]</ref> She has not won the award since.

==Early life==
Barbara is the fifth child (out of eight) of Joseph Otto "Joe" Weston (1896–1955) and Carrie Edna Wynn (1911–1967). They married in 1926, when Carrie was either 14 or 15 years old and Joseph [[Pedofork|was around 30]].<ref>http://www.harveypowers.com/wynn/wynn/d141.html#P141</ref> Otto died in 1955, after falling from a horse-drawn wagon.<ref>http://genealogytrails.com/vir/charlotte/obits_w.html</ref> Barb's maternal grandfather was an alcoholic moonshiner, who carried out affairs and failed to provide even the most basic support for her mother's family.<ref>http://www.harveypowers.com/wynn/wynn/d118.html#P141</ref>

According to a [[Facebook statuses|Facebook status]] Chris wrote on [[January 2012|January 30th, 2012]], Barbara lost her virginity at some point during her high school years.

Barb grew up in Red Oak, Virginia, and graduated from [[Wikipedia:Randolph-Henry High School|Randolph-Henry High School]] in Charlotte Court House, Virginia in 1960. While there, she was treasurer of her school's chapter of the Future Homemakers of America, a member of the Randolph-Henry bus patrol, a typist for her school yearbook, ''The Log'', and a member of the [[Spanish]] Club. She was also a member of many other school organizations, suggesting that she was very involved in extracurricular activities while in high school. She was also known for her perfect attendance record from her sophomore through her senior years of high school.

According to her senior yearbook, her nickname in high school was Bobcat, possibly due to [[Obesity|her figure]].

Chris stated in a leaked video that he and his mother are not liked by the members of the Weston family who have outlived [[Aunt Corrina]].<ref>[[Message for John Kyle]]</ref> It is not clear whether Chris meant to say that after Corrina's death all the Westons started hating him and his mother, or alternatively that by the time of Corrina's death no Weston other than her had a cordial relationship with Chris and Barb. Regardless of how this statement should be interpreted, it appears that Barbara's relationship with rest of her extended family is strained.

==Cole and his various fathers==
[[Image:0467-CWC18th20.jpg|thumb|Cole visits for Chris's [[My big 18th party (story)|18th birthday]].]]

Barbara grew up and raised Chris's older half-brother [[Cole Smithey|Cole]] in Richmond, Virginia, near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.<ref name="Raising">[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Raising Chris-Chan (16:46 - 00:00)]]</ref>

Barbara gave birth to [[Cole Smithey|Cole]] in 1963. Throughout his life, Barbara has lied to Cole about who his father is because she's [[Wikipedia:Maury Povich|Maury Povich]] trash.

Based on the experiences with his various stepfathers, [[Cole Smithey|Cole]] thinks that Barbara has a "proclivity to isolate herself via scurrilous mates".<ref name="coleemail2">[[:File:Cole 07-03-06-2.PNG|6 March 2007 email from Cole to Chris, page 2]]</ref> The use of "scurrilous" in this statement makes no sense, suggesting [[Cole Smithey|Cole]] tries to use [[Chris and Health|big]] words to impress people - [[Laughs Under Lucricities|a family trait]], perhaps.

===Jack Dale Smithey===
Barb insists that Cole's father is Jack Dale Smithey, to whom she claimed she was married, but records show she actually wasn't.<ref name="coleemail2" />

In 1995, Cole's friend syndicated cartoonist [[Wikipedia:Ted_Rall|Ted Rall]] made an Internet post questioning the whereabouts of Jack Dale Smithey. According to the post, Smithey lived in Richmond in 1963 (the time Cole was born), and was a Merchant Marine. He later worked as a trucker for Pilot Trucking in North Carolina, but had not been heard of since 1964.<ref>http://archiver.rootsweb.ancestry.com/th/read/SURNAMES/1995-04/0798938259</ref>

Cole eventually hired a private detective who tracked down Jack Smithey in Sarasota, Florida.<ref name="Cole Smithey E-mails">[[Cole Smithey E-mails]]</ref>

===Ran Coleman Yeatts===
[[Image:RanColemanYeatts-WakeForestHowler1961.png|thumb|Cole's [[TRUE and HONEST]] biological father, Ran Coleman Yeatts, from the 1961 Wake Forest yearbook.]]

Records, which [[Cole Smithy|Cole]] later found after making a trip back to Richmond, show Barb married one Ran ''Cole''man Yeatts in 1961. Yeatts was from South Hill, Virginia, and was enrolled at Wake Forest College as late as 1960. He was scheduled to graduate in 1961, the year he and Barb married.<ref>http://www.archive.org/stream/howler1960wake/howler1960wake_djvu.txt</ref>

To further fuel Cole's rage, Yeatts would visit him and was introduced as a "friend" of the family when he was a child. <ref name="Cole Smithey E-mails" /> After Cole hired a private detective, Barbara hung up the phone on him when he called to ask about his father.<ref name="Cole Smithey E-mails" />

Yeatts died on 6 June 2007 in South Hill. His obituary made no mention of Cole and, curiously, none of Barbara either.<ref>http://web.archive.org/web/20130211071320/http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/timesdispatch/obituary.aspx?n=Ran-Yeatts&pid=88787372</ref>

<center><gallery>
File:1961 6 17 - Barb and Ran marriage license.jpeg|1961 6 17 - Barb and Ran marriage license
File:1963 5 15 - Barb, Ran divorce.jpeg|1963 5 15 - Barb, Ran divorce
</gallery></center>

===Jerry Harmon===
Jerry Harmon is Barbara's former lover and alleged sinister step-father of [[Cole Smithey]], Chris's older half-brother. Barbara claims to have married Jerry after her relationships with Jack Dale Smithey and Ran Coleman Yeatts. However, in the course of Cole's investigation into his family history, he was unable to find a marriage certificate.<ref name="Cole Smithey E-mails" />

{{quote|I grew up in an abusive household with Barbara and my former stepfather Jerry, where physical and mental punishments ran the gambit from bare-assed beatings to cold showers to bizarre scenarios acted out with glee by two deeply neurotic adults... Even at a very young age, I knew that they would abandon me. They were both irresponsible and incompetent parents who exposed me to traumas that I would rather not remember.|Cole on Barb and Jerry's parenting skills.<ref name="Cole Smithey E-mails" />}}
{{-}}

In his article [[Saturday Night Special]], Cole would further elaborate about his first step-father. According to Cole, Jerry was a professional magician who lived with Barbara in a second-floor apartment adjacent to the campus of Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond. Jerry allegedly kept a gun in his nightstand drawer, which his stepson would play with, and was out cheating on his wife when an intruder came to the apartment, leaving Barb to have to fire the gun to scare them off. The shot ricocheted and nearly killed Cole as a result, hitting the wall a hair's breadth behind his head.

==Marriage with Bob==
[[File:1980 6 7 - Borb marriage license.jpeg|thumb|1980 6 7 - Borb's marriage license]]

Bob and Barbara met in a bar on a karaoke night. Barbara was there with friends and Bob was singing.<ref name="Mumble 3.5">[[Mumble 3.5]]</ref> Cole's friend Chuck, who worked at the bar, has a vivid memory of them being drunk retards.<ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-07-24-1.PNG|24 July 2007 email #1 from Cole to Chris]]</ref> According to Chris, Barbara did the [[How to Talk to Girls|pursuing]]: "She chased him down the hall." They got married in 1980.<ref name="Mumble 3.5" />

[[Image:0033-MommasBirthday.jpg|thumb|left|She never was much of a looker.]]
According to Chris, Barbara had not had sex with Bob for at least two decades before his death. They had been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years.<ref>[[IRC (27 December 2008)]]</ref>

On September 1992, Chris and Bob moved from Ruckserville to Chesterfield County.<ref>[[Chris's Wikipedia profile#His Early Years - Birth to 1992]]</ref> Barbara did not accompany them, but rather stayed in their old home. Chris claimed that the separation allowed Barbara to continue working at her job with Virginia Power until retirement, and that she still visited Bob and Chris on every weekend during the time she lived separately from them. After going into retirement when Chris was in the eighth grade (in early 1996), Barbara came to live with her husband and son in Chesterfield.<ref>[[Mailbag 32#Chris is no stranger to stupid name changes]]</ref><ref>[[:Image:0078-CWCNote2.jpg]]</ref>

With both Barbara and Bob retired, they resided with Chris in their Ruckersville home. It is difficult to ascertain what their relationship was like, but sources such as the tour of the house would suggest that Chris's parents neglected the family home and spent most of their time apart in separate areas of the house.

Barbara became a widow on 6 September 2011 when Bob died.<ref name="BobObit">http://web.archive.org/web/20130211071324/http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/dailyprogress/obituary.aspx?n=robert-franklin-chandler&pid=153539600</ref>

==Treatment of Chris==

===Abuse and manipulation===
{{quote|And he told me of mom saying she was going to pack up and leave the house, then I ran downstairs, finding her on the couch; she was soo miserable and sad; she talked of Wanting to Die, "you don't even have to change my clothes, you can just bury me in what I have on." I was soo sad and crying and soo sorry for the way I misbehaved; we hugged and made up a bit.|An example of Barb's manipulation.<ref name=magfest>[[Gal Pal E-mails 3#Borb vs MAGfest]]</ref>}}

It appears that Chris's diet doesn't worry Barb. In the night after the Chandler family moved back to Ruckersville, Bob and Chris refused a spaghetti dinner offered by Barb. As a response, Barb decided to forego cooking for her family and hasn't made a meal for Chris since then.<ref>See emails sent by [[Jackie E-mails 24|Chris to Jackie on 24 and 26 April 2011]].</ref>

Barb has often used suicide threats to guilt Chris into obeying her whims.

When Bob and Chris tried to discuss cleaning the hoard to Barb, she responded by threatening suicide.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/yt-1-12-skylanders-imaginators-leader-christine-w-chandler-random-review-n-stuff.27570/page-9#post-2020225 </ref>

During the [[Ivy]] Saga, Barb threatened to her family that she might commit suicide, as a response to the stress she was going through.<ref name="IvyQ&A"/>

In an episode from 2011, when Chris failed to book himself a hotel room for [[MAGfest]], due to being broke, and planned to sleep in his car,<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 29]]</ref> Barb prevented him from going by pointing out the "crime risk and chilly temperatures", threatening to lock him out of their house, claiming that she would pack up and leave, and later told him she wanted to die. After Chris folded and went to his room to cry about it, she gave him a "half-payment of a copy of DC Universe Online to make up for not allowing [him] to go".<ref name=magfest></ref>

Later that year, after Chris became a [[tomgirl]], Barb tried to stop him from wearing dresses and make-up by telling him she feared he would kill her. She then ordered him to sit down, and she cut his hair<ref>Jackie E-mails 26</ref>.

In addition, Barb has used the specter of old age for her own gain, by manipulating Chris into thinking she will have a heart attack. This tactic has been used so often that Chris will panic and call 911 if Barb does not answer the phone if he checks up on during the times he goes out of the house.<ref>Comments from Marvin on Kiwi Farms, gone when the site was taken down.</ref> When Barb and Chris were both arrested for [[assault and battery]], Chris was extremely worried about her health, saying in an e-mail:

{{quotebox|My mother fought the police in my defense, and she was handcuffed and I was emotionally distraught, I screamed and Screamed and SCREAMED, until an ambulance came for my mother to take her to UVA Hospital; she was okay, but her Blood Pressure was high.

I prayed a LOT to Jesus for my release and safe return home with my mother. And I banged the cell door with both my feet while lying on a folding mattress on the floor (to get those bastards to let me see and talk to my mother

Only after seeing my mother in her suit pass by my second cell, did I start to calm down. I was REALLY WORRIED about my mother and her health. She Needed Me, and I Needed Her.}}

The [[Man in the Pickle Suit]] summed up Chris's relationship with Barb:

{{quoteboxgreen|Well, I don't think they talk very much. However, no, Chris is Barb's hand servant. She screams for him and he comes running. She has him change the newspaper the dogs shit on, she has him run errands to bring her stuff, and she used to have him haul her goodwill crap to the car, and then from the car into the house.

''...''

I think Barb's yelling has gotten much less frequent nowadays. It seems like she's pretty feeble nowadays. Chris is just as scared of Barb as he used to be though. I don't think he realizes how much power he has over Barb nowadays.

They're really physically affectionate in a strange way. Chris is pretty touchy feely with women because of habits he learned by spending time with Barb.<ref>https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:YAJnFcGDS9kJ:https://kiwifarms.net/threads/is-chris-really-qualified-to-be-caring-for-barb.16435/page-4+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us</ref>}}

After Bob died, Barb's abuse of Chris escalated. She treated him as a slave and forced him to be on-call at all times. Around 2013, she forced Chris to move out of his bedroom, specifically so she could bark orders at him more efficiently, by throwing a tantrum and wrecking his possessions.

{{quoteboxgreen|a few months to a year before the fire, Chris stopped being permitted to sleep separately from Barb, in his bedroom. He had to sleep closer to Barb, because she needed to be able to yell for him to go to [[sheetz]] and buy her crap, and he wasn't able to hear her up in his bedroom. He kind of tried to resist at first, but then she got super pissed and threw a tantrum. She wrecked his room and like flipped everything over because he was trying to sleep on his own.<ref>https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:YAJnFcGDS9kJ:https://kiwifarms.net/threads/is-chris-really-qualified-to-be-caring-for-barb.16435/page-4+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us</ref>}}

===Pampering===
{{quote|Yeah, but then my Mom is pretty much jealous of me loving another woman more than her.|Chris, describing his [[Wikipedia:Oedipus complex|Oedipus complex]].<ref>[[Mumble 10]]</ref>}}

{{quote|Yes, dear.|Chris, addressing Barb<ref>[[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04142017]]</ref>}}

<center>
<gallery>
File:Parenting Interview 001.jpg|Barb and Bob's answers on a parenting quiz.
File:Parenting Interview 002.jpg|The second page.
</gallery>
</center>

[[Image:0028-ChristopherWMom1.jpg|thumb|Barbara evolved into Snorlax as she raised Chris.]]

According to Cole, Bob and Barbara left Chris alone every day for years with the [[abusive babysitter]] while going out drinking, effectively ignoring the onset of the earliest symptoms of autism.<ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-03-06-3.PNG|6 March 2007 email from Cole to Chris, page 3]]</ref> After Chris's initial diagnosis, and after their negligence was inevitably thrown back in their face, Barbara resorted to any means necessary to coax Chris into talking, most notoriously by bribing him with toys.<ref>[[Song of Christian]]</ref>

[[Image:ImWorkingOnIt.png|thumb|left|Chris and Barbara in an intimate moment.]]

While both Chris's parents are largely responsible for Chris's current state, Barb has more often than not been the most active in protecting Chris from recognizing any failure or shortcoming on his part, doing everything from being his sole commission with [[Cutco]] to going as his date to his [[Manchester High School#The Senior Prom|seinor [sic] prom]].

This pattern of accountability continues even into Chris's adult years. On at least two occasions, most notably after he was banned for good, Barbara visited [[the GAMe PLACe]] attempting to protect and defend her little snowflake and argue his case with [[Michael Snyder]], but to no avail.

As first evidenced by the "GAMe PLACe/4Chan picture" incident, she is extremely paranoid regarding Chris's online misadventures, likely because she fears that he'll [[Jerkhief|get]] [[Bagget|arrested]] and [[28 October 2011|go to prison]]. Given some of the violent states of some of his videos and Chris's [[Arrest|track record]], she's probably not too far from the truth. She may also suspect that Chris is a [[pedofork|pedophile]], as she [[Mumble 10| thought it was possible that he may have fallen for a ''To Catch a Predator''-esque sting operation]] during the [[Julie]] fiasco. She even seems to suspect that [[Megan Schroeder]], one of the few women Chris has known who ''wasn't'' out to troll him, is partially responsible for the persecution he has endured over the years. She does her part to keep his activities under control by acting as Chris's personal concierge, as seen when she interrogated [[Ivy]] for about half an hour before letting her speak to Chris.<ref name="IvyQ&A">[[Ivy Q&A]]</ref>

Barbara constantly babies Chris and tells him how handsome he is.<ref>[[Sonichu Girls]] and [[White knight emails]]</ref> She also told Chris that the reason he often "blanks out" or gets confused isn't that he's a lazy dumbass, but that he's a "[[Chris and art|creative genius]] and is simply overwhelmed by having so many creative ideas".<ref>[[Kacey Call 12]]</ref>

However, it seems that even Barb has her limits. Like Bob, she was [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Coming out to my parents|ashamed of Chris's effeminate escapades]], claiming that she didn't raise a daughter, and that "tomgirl" is not a thing. [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia#Re: Mothers|She tried and failed]] to get Chris to stop wearing a bra and panties, even offering to pay him to stop.

===Spooning===
{{quote|I, myself, Did have dreams of having sex with my mother.|[[August 2016 Facebook posts#Incestuous Thoughts|One result of Barb's parenting choices, as explained by Chris in August 2016.]]
}}

To cap off their relationship, Chris revealed in private conversations with multiple people that Barb has spooned with him.<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxGU4nSlX0M ''PVCC NEW info: on Chris and Barbara spoon eachother!'' (YouTube)]</ref>

From [[Arthur Spatchcock]], on Chris sleeping with his mother:

{{quoteboxred|Story time, kids. Now most of us are aware of the fire; how Barb and Chris were displaced for some time while the house was getting renovated. You know how Chris was all whiny about his legos, right? Some getting melted, shit like that...well he kind of left out that his own bed was ruined as well given it had years of grease soaked into it because not bathing is so chic in his eyes. So when they got back home Chris didn't have his own bed anymore so he was sharing one with Barb instead. This came with the horrifying addendum that Barb wanted to spoon with him; I don't know if he was little spoon or big spoon but I know she was unimpressed and one night just unloaded on him angrily enough that Chris decided to get his own bed with his own money. So it goes without saying that from the time Chris and Barb got back home [[DStecks|until he got that grand]] he was sleeping in the same bed as his mother.<ref>https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:BN2t1QLl1LoJ:https://kiwifarms.net/threads/fb-4-11-e-begging-intensifies.19356/page-5+&cd=6&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us</ref>}}

In August 2016, the [[Man in the Pickle Suit]] observed Chris and Barb in public during a court hearing:<ref>[[26 December 2014]]</ref>

{{quoteboxred|Barb and Chris are way too physically intimate. It's one thing to describe their creepy relationship, it's quite another to watch it IRL. They hold hands and Chris is always putting his arm around her and rubbing her shoulders sensually. That's shit I'd do to someone I'd want to bang. Not a family member. It's weird.}}

{{quote|I am not a "Bates". OMG. |Chris, in denial<ref>[[Misc texts]]</ref>}}

Barb's habit of cuddling with Chris had been going on since Bob was alive, and he knew of it, but Barb was too manipulative and he wasn't able to stop her.<ref>http://archive.is/zwWV9</ref> In August 2016, Chris [[Honest content|admitted]] to having [[Chris and sex#Dreams of sex with Barb|incestuous fantasies about Barb]], prompting further analysis of their uncomfortably intimate relationship. Chris sometimes refers to her as [[Darling|"dear" or "darling"]], as he usually does for [[DoopieDoOver|would-be sweethearts]]. In his [[Twitch#CLog 04172018 - Buy My Toys|April 2018 Twitch stream]], when Chris got his mother to reluctantly say "[[Random-access humor|turn me loose, you silly goose]]" after hugging him, he commented that she "used to do that more [[Chris and English|flirtingly]]"

==Health problems==
===Mental===
Barb is understood by most to be a highly unstable woman, and worryingly, many of her behaviors can also be observed in Chris. Many believe her to be selfish and extremely narcissistic, on account of her seemingly baseless belief that she is [[Daniel Weston|descended from]] [[Anne Boleyn|Tudor high nobility]], and the pathological manner in which she lies and assigns blame to others, even in instances when any sane person could see that only they were in the wrong. All of these traits are shared by Chris, with Barb's apparent encouragement. Additionally, many aspects of her relationship with Chris are consistent with [http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder/ narcissistic motherhood], which is a fascinating but complex topic too lengthy to be discussed in detail here. Although Chris seems to be her [http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/ "golden child"], she does not shy from mistreating him if he displeases her. This can be seen in an email to [[Jackie]] from May 2011; Chris claimed that his mother flew into a rage over his [[tomgirl]] inclinations, forcing him to submit to a haircut and [[Death threats|threatening to kill him]].<ref name="jackie26" />

Aside from her narcissism, Barb is also noted by Christorians for her hoarding. Chris labels Barb a "pack rat",<ref>[[Father Call]]</ref> and on more than one occasion has indicated his displeasure at her hoarding and the state it has left [[14 Branchland Court|their house]] in, although neither he nor Bob are known to have ever seriously challenged it. Barb compulsively hoards her purchases, particularly from Goodwill, which, by [[2009]], had rendered the living room uninhabitable.<ref>[[Tour of Chris's House]]</ref> When Bob was admitted to the hospital for the final time, he was quarantined for bug bites, ostensibly due to the conditions in the Chandler household.<ref>[[Rocky Shoemaker call]]</ref> The situation did not improve after Bob's passing, either. A [[Tour of Chris's House II|second house tour video]] made by Chris in [[2013]] revealed that Barb's hoarding had gotten severe enough to render entire rooms literally inaccessible, with some rooms literally full of stuff to within inches of the ceiling, and others reduced to crevices carved into walls of junk.

Barb's hoarding was predicted by many to lead to disaster, and finally did on [[January 2014|January 10 2014]], when in the wee hours of the morning, Chris [[Destruction Of Chris's House|started a house fire]] while trying to brew coffee in the bathroom, because the kitchen had been among the rooms blocked off by Barb's junk. Naturally, Barb's hoard provided ample kindling for the fire, and the house was severely damaged before the fire could be contained. In fact, given the state of the house in the second tour video, it's surprising that Chris and Barb were able to escape. Equally unsurprising, however, is the fact that one of the Chandlers' remaining cats died in the blaze, and one of the fire-fighters sent to the scene also suffered unspecified injuries.

While the Chandlers [[Rental House|relocated]], pending repairs to their home, Barb's stuff went into storage. When repairs were completed a year later, Barb had all of it moved back to 14 Branchland Court, and is not known to have disposed of any of it, even though, by all accounts, most of what she and Chris were able to salvage is either fire, smoke or water damaged, rendering it completely useless. This was confirmed in April 2017, when Chris mentioned the laundry room contained a "mountain pile" of 20-40 bags of dirty, damaged clothing which hadn't been washed since the fire occurred.<ref>[[April 2017 Facebook posts#Offering The Classic shirt for $12,000 minimum]]</ref>

===Weight===
[[Image:Cheers01.jpg|thumb|Artist's depiction.]]

Like Chris, Barbara has been [[obesity|obese]]. As little as ten years ago Barbara was reasonably slim, but, along with Chris, ballooned out in more recent years, to the point of resembling an American [[Wikipedia:Rose West|Rose West]]. Her massive size earned her the affectionate nickname '''Snorlax''' from the [[trolls]]. Barb's size may have led to her [[stress|sleeping a lot]]<ref>[[BlueSpike PSN Chat 3.7]]</ref> and usually skipping [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]].<ref>[[Church audio]]</ref>

However, according to eyewitness reports, Barbara lost weight in 2012.<ref>[[This is how the Trial went‎]]</ref> Her weight loss is visible in photos Chris took of her at a 2012 Mythbusters tour stop in Washington, DC.<ref>[[:File:BarbMarch2012.png]]</ref>

This has continued into her old age. When she attended Chris's [[26 December 2014|court hearings]] throughout [[2015]], Christorians in attendance invariably noted that although she has lost weight, she appears to have low muscle mass (probably due to her sedentary lifestyle). In particular, at [[26 December 2014#15 October Hearing|his last hearing]], it was noted that Barb appeared to be growing increasingly frail and possibly senile, as she did not appear to be very responsive, and appeared much more submissive to Chris than she has otherwise been known to be. Chris also reportedly got short with her due to her poor hearing.

===Holey buttocks===
In a [[Twitter|tweet]] to Cole from June 29, 2013, Chris tells him that "[he] ought to be over here putting bandages on [their] Mom's holey buttocks". It was not clear exactly what sort of problem this referred to, though it didn't sound pleasant. On October 14, 2013, Chris elaborated in a Facebook post, stating, "my mother stresses me with her continuous rants about her damn miniature scabie flies, her suffering, the low finances and shit!!!". Consensus was that the so-called "holey buttocks" were in fact lesions. It is now believed that Barb currently has a colony of parasitic mites (rather than flies) that have burrowed into her bountiful booty. Naturally, while Barb is being eaten alive, Chris whines about having to take care of her.

===Dental===
In August 2014, Chris begged for money on [[Facebook]], [[Lego|supposedly]] to pay dental fees, as he claimed his mother had cavities in her teeth which needed treatment. In July 2016, Barb herself begged for money.<ref>[[Donations Further Requested, Please]]</ref> Chris and Barb restarted this begging for dental fees for Barb in early 2018.

===Other===
In [[October 2009]], Barbara spent her birthday at the hospital with what the Chandlers thought was food poisoning.<ref name="9 October 2009">[[9 October 2009]]</ref> Barbara was diagnosed with [[Wikipedia:Colitis|colitis]], a gastrointestinal disease characterized by the inflammation of the colon. It manifests in diarrhea and cramps. Which kind of colitis has yet to be determined. It seems the Chandler family's diet has finally come to affect her, and in order to survive she will have to change her eating habits; considering their stubbornness, this clearly will end badly.

Hearing the plight of the Chandler family, [[Trolls|fans]] of Sonichu have created the website "Barbara Chandler Has AIDS" to spread awareness regarding AIDS and to collect donations for research foundations and charities.<ref>[http://sites.google.com/site/barbarachandlerhasaids/home "Barbara Chandler Has AIDS" Awareness Website]</ref> Chris himself denied his mom has AIDS.<ref name="9 October 2009"/>

On 23 August 2013 Chris revealed that Barbara had been afflicted with breast cancer but managed to survive.<ref>[[Facebook#Breast Cancer Awareness]]</ref> He did not give details about when was she diagnosed with the ailment, at what stage it was and what kind of treatment was Barb given.

==Aging==
{{quote|They treat, they treat you very badly in there. She, she would, she, she, she would never want me to put her into a home, and I would not do that.|Chris, August 2014<ref>[[Catie Date Conversation Transcript]]</ref>}}

[[File:Barb reacts to Quinn.jpg|thumb|200px|Barb, aged 76, tissue in hand, comforting Chris after [[Jessica Quinn]] broke up with him.]]

In November 2015, [[Family Needs to appreciate Family]] was uploaded to YouTube. The video is a plea for [[Cole Smithey]], [[David Alan Chandler]] and [[Carol Suzanne Chandler]] to visit Barb before "her time runs out", even though the latter two aren't Barb's children.

On 13 July 2016, Barb unexpectedly starred in [[Donations Further Requested, Please|one of Chris's e-begging videos]]. In the minute-long video, she speaks slowly and almost inaudibly, hardly moving or blinking for the entirety of the video. While some have voiced concerns that this may be an early sign of dementia, it is just as likely that Barb, being Barb, was putting on an act for money.

[[File:Our signatures00001.png |thumb|left|Barb and Chris in March 2018, the former wearing the [[$400 gold necklace]].]]
In August 2016, [[Anna McLerran]] posted a photo on Facebook of herself and Barb together.<ref>[[:File:Barb and anna.jpg|With Anna, presumably in August 2016.]]</ref> In it, Barb appears to have aged significantly since her last appearance in the "Donations Further Requested, Please" video.

In November 2016, Barb escaped injury when she slipped and fell.<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Barb slips and falls]]</ref>

Chris has been increasingly tasked with helping Barb around the house in her elderly age. He stated in April 2017 that he was taking care-giving classes.<ref>[[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04272017]]</ref> Barb is seen in [[Minor Update, Handouts!]], a begging video, in which Chris demands money because Barb drinks costly "meal replacement shakes", possibly referring to a drink such as Ensure.
{{clear}}

==Legal problems==
On [[28 October 2011]], Chris and Barb were caught in an incident with [[The GAMe PLACe]], and were actually arrested with several serious charges, with Barb's including felony assault and failure to stop. The two were later released on bail. After a succession of court hearings, Barb, along with her son, was arraigned on her felony charges on 10 July 2012. She was sentenced to community service and was put under a two-year probation, as well as being ordered to pay Michael Snyder's medical bills. When informed of the latter fact during the trial, Chris explained that his mother, a retired, obese, seventy-year-old woman, would take care of the charges for him. No one was particularly surprised at this revelation.

==Financial problems==
In 2016, Barb was sued by a Discover bank in Norfolk for not paying debts. This came to light on [[March 2016|March 14]], [[2016]], when sharp-eyed [[Kiwi Farms|Kiwis]] noticed that she had a hearing on March 16. As she must have been outright ignoring her debt for some time for the bank to take her to court over it, it was widely assumed that she would ignore the summons too. Instead, once the court records were updated, many were surprised to see that not only had Barb attended, but she had represented herself, too. Equally unsurprisingly, this bold move failed to pay off, and Barb was still sentenced to pay $4,706.93.<ref>[[:File:Barb discover bank result.png]]</ref>

Five months later, Barb was sued again, this time by Capital One Bank, for the same reason. The hearing in September resulted in a Default Judgement against Barb, meaning that she didn't bother attending. She owes Capital One $15,906.99.<ref>[[:File:Barb vs Capital One Bank result.png]]</ref>

Her out-of-control debt was the catalyst for the [[Financhu Crisis]] of 2016.

In June through July of that year, Barb appeared in three videos:

*[[Donations Required, Serious. Please help]]
*[[Donations Requested, Please]]
*[[Donations Further Requested, Please]]

In the videos, she and Chris beg for donations, claiming to need money for her asthma medication and dental work (although they receive a combined amount of $2,500 per month from the government<ref>[[Chris and money#But wait, Chris isn't employed!]]</ref> and their costly hoards are clearly visible behind them). See the Appearances section for more appearances by Barb.

She has failed to take accountability for ruining the family's finances, trying to pin the blame on Chris,<ref>[[Patreon announcement]]</ref> even though her known debt of over $20,000 is much larger than Chris's.

She and Chris had an inheritance from Bob worth "tens of thousands of dollars" when he passed away, but Barb decided to frivolously spend it on [[Rob Bell]] in an attempt to gain exoneration for her [[assault and battery]] charge.

==Appearances==

===In ''Sonichu''===
[[File:Bc.PNG|thumb|200px|Chris gets to live out his fantasy of being (and having) an adequate son.]]

In [[Sonichu 0|''Sonichu'' #0]], Barbara makes a brief appearance in "Classic Sonichu Strips".

In [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]], the male [[Dating education#In Sonichu|Dating Education]] students are given Barbara dolls to talk to.

In the 2015 revisions to [[Sonichu 10|''Sonichu'' #10]], Chris wrote out Bianca's character and replaced her with his mother.

According to the [[CWCipedia]], [[Sandy Rosechu]] and [[Sonichu and Rosechu's children]] go to Anneweston Elementary School.<ref>[[CWCipedia]] on [http://archive.sonichu.com/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Wild_Sonichu Wild Sonichu]</ref> It is unknown whether or not Sonichu and Rosechu's children still go that school after their [[Sonichu and Rosechu's children#Sonichu and Rosechu's children|evolution]].

[[File:Chandlers & Sonichus.jpg|200px|thumb|left]]

In [[Sonichu 11|''Sonichu'' #11]], Barb is photoshopped into a "family photo" alongside Chris, Bob and the various Chus.

[[File:Borb, Sonichu12.jpg|200px|thumb|In ''Sonichu'' #12.]]

In [[Sonichu 12|''Sonichu'' #12]], Barb is in a set of pages that is a cross between Chris writing an autobiographical account of himself coming out as a tomgirl to his parents and a tribute to his late father.

Due to Chris's Oedipal complex, Barb is depicted as much more youthful than Bob, even though she was nearly 70 at the time. She expresses surprise at her son's announcement on being trans. Chris states that she was "hesitant for a long while", but "got used to my subtle and more changes".

This is a drastic understatement, as the real-life Barb tried to stop his [[tomgirl]] lifestyle in ways including suicide threats, guilt trips (by claiming that she was worried Chris would kill her), paying him to stop cross-dressing, and even ordering him to submit to a haircut. If her attitude towards him cooled, it was only out of resignation rather than acceptance. Evidence of this is when she became angry with him again after finding out that he had successfully changed his name in 2016.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/yt-6-11-cwcville-shopping-is-on-vacation.21491/page-5#post-1518208</ref>

[[File:Chandler family as ponies.png|200px|thumb|left|Barb, pictured at left, as ''Sugar Darling'', in a [[My Little Pony|MLP]]-inspired drawing from [[August 2017]].]]

In August 2017, Chris unveiled a drawing of the Chandler family depicted as [[My Little Pony]] characters, saying they will make further appearances in [[Sonichu 12-9|''Sonichu'' #12-9]].

{{clear}}

===As a toy===
<center><gallery>
File:LegoSnorlax.jpg|As [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]] sees her in [[Lego]] form.
File:BarbAmiibo.jpg|Barb [[Amiibo]], complete with cleavage, which Chris offered for sale on [[Etsy]] in [[November 2015]].
File:Barb drawing Nov. '15.jpg|Promo drawing for the Amiibo.
</gallery></center>

===Audio===
* Private Skype chat with [[Sarah May]].
* 4 [[February 2009]], [[Mumble 2]]: Barbara denies singing while vacuuming [[Chris's room]].
* 17 [[February 2009]], [[BlueSpike PSN Chat 2]]: Barbara talks to Chris but when Julie wants to talk to her, Barbara says she isn't "able to talk to anybody right now".
* [[March 2009]]: Barbara takes over the phone from Chris when Clyde [[Clyde#Prostitutes|calls after the date with Emily]].
* [[Kacey Call 15]]: Chris keeps [[Kacey]] on the phone for nearly fourteen minutes while Barb talks about the value of [[Chris and his Ego|humility]], her poor health, and her relationship with Bob, among other things.
* [[November 2009]], [[Kacey and Liquid Call]]: Barbara tells Chris to "just hang up on the bitch!"
* 10 [[August 2010]], [[Matthew Noble call]]: Barbara claims that Megan "lied" to Chris and abruptly hangs up mid-sentence. Throughout the call, she can be heard denying that she and Bob are the slightest bit in the wrong. At one point she complains about the time Michael Snyder kicked her and Chris out of the GAMe PLACe following Chris's final ban from the store.
* [[Prank calls]]: Barbara yells in the background and foreground of several prank calls.

===Videos===
Barbara has appeared in several videos: off-camera in the [[Christian Weston Chandler Interview]], and on-camera (for the first time) in [[You're Always Pretty]]. [[ChandlerFamilyChristmas2004|Two decade-old videos]] were leaked in December 2014 showing the Chandlers celebrating Christmas. Another video of her was recorded by a [[troll]] as she and Chris left court after his hearing in February 2015.

She has most frequently appeared during the [[Financhu Crisis]].

[[Donations Required, Serious. Please help|Two more]] [[Donations Requested, Please|videos]] were released June 2016 showing Chris begging for donations to buy asthma pills for Barbara. Barbara is shown practically dead in both of these videos so [[Chris and Death|god only knows what will happen in the near future.]]

In a [[Donations Further Requested, Please|video]] released on 13 July 2016, Barbara joins her son in shamelessly e-begging. Her voice tired and hoarse, mouth agape, she stares directly into the camera like a deer caught in the headlights.

She resumed begging in a [[EMERGENCY HOME UPDATE|video]] from April 2017, in which she wears a [[$400 gold necklace]] while asking Chris's audience to give him $1,000 in exchange for his old [[Stamps|stamp album]].

She next appeared in [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04142017]], when she walked in while Chris was recording.

After a more uploads from Chris, Barb starred another begging video uploaded on 24 May 2017, titled [[We Said Donations No Less than $1 00, US, Please]]. Chris removed the video the next day, after people threatened to report him for elder abuse.

After the last failed attempt of getting donations, Barb and Chris engaged in yet another begging video on 16 June 2017, titled [[We need immediate funds, please]]. Ironically, she wore both the [[$400 gold necklace]] and a pearl necklace.

Almost a month had passed, without any appearances from Barb. With Chris getting decent amounts of funds from his [[Patreon]] account, there no longer seemed to be a desire to beg. On 14 July 2017, she makes a small voice-only cameo in a [[Soda Awawawawa Puccho Candy Response]], screaming at him for not closing the front door. She also comments in [[Solar Eclipse Vlogs]], asking Chris if he's ready to go back inside after the eclipse ends.

Barb's first appearance on-video in 2018 was in [[Selling Vintage Comic Books (Cole Smithey’s Comic Books)]]. She appeared a couple of weeks later in [[Our signatures]] to demonstrate that her signature, a key selling point in the comic sales, was real. On 9 April, Barb appeared for the seventh time during the Financhu Crisis to beg in [[Buy Our Things off of my eBay to help us, Please.]] On 16 April, a [[April 2018 Paid Video Requests|bizarre video of a few seconds of Barb standing in a doorway]] was posted to the [[CWCki Club]]. On the 17th, she appeared as a guest on Chris's [[Twitch]] stream.

==Gallery==

<center>
<gallery>
Image:Babs1956.PNG|Barb's 8th grade (or "Pre-Freshman") photo.
Image:Babs1957.PNG|Barb's freshman photo from high school.
Image:Babs1960.PNG|Barb's senior photo from high school.
File:Chris's family tree up to his great great grandparents.png|Chris's family tree up to his great-great-grandparents.
Image:0002-1-Baby Chris and Mommy.jpg|Barbara with baby Chris. Oh, how full of hope and promise.
Image:0027-ChristopherWMom2.jpg|"Talk, you little idiot!"
Image:0026-ChrisAndMom.jpg
Image:0107-ChristianWMom.jpg|This is when ''[[The Simpsons]]'' went downhill.
Image:0063-BobAndBarbaraNewLife.jpg
Image:0096-MomRetire4.jpg|Barbara's retirement party from secretarial services at Virginia Power in 1996.<ref>[[:Image:0078-CWCNote2.jpg|DVD, note 2]]</ref>
Image:0029-BarbaraWithDrinks.jpg
Image:0113-MomsBirthday97-1.jpg|From her 55th birthday.
Image:0229-ChristianAndMomInClass.jpg
Image:0037-BarbaraInGreen.jpg|Nothing says the 80s like a woman in a power suit and a lady tie.
Image:0041-BarbaraCorinaTomAndHerriet.jpg|Barb with [[Aunt Corrina]], Uncle Tom, and Aunt Harriet.
Image:0042-BarbaraCorinaHerrietAndElvis.jpg|The King left the building when he started to notice the foul smell of the Chandler house.
Image:0618-BarbaraIs60-1.jpg|Poor Barb, Chris put [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] on HER birthday cake.
Image:0074-BarbaraWSonicDoll.jpg
Image:0540-Prom2.jpg|It was originally believed this image was from Chris's graduation. Turns out this is from his senior prom, where he took his mom as his date.
Image:0549-Prom11.jpg|Barb talking to [[Tiffany Gowen|Tiffany]], one of Chris's [[gal pal]]s, at the prom.
Image:0839-MomDesi.JPG|Barb, evolved into Snorlax.
Image:Babura.PNG|Barb [[You're Always Pretty|is always pretty]].
BarbMarch2012.png|Barb in 2012, having devolved from a Snorlax into a Munchlax.
File:SnoopyDoobieDoo.png|With [[Snoopy]] in [[2013]].
File:Barb and anna.jpg|With Anna, presumably in August 2016.
File:Chandlers.Png|Barb and Chris. Barb is interrupting Chris during a live [[YouTube]] stream.
File:Certificate of Authenticity with Barb's signature.jpg|Barb's signature on a Certificate of Authenticity, included with [[2018 Sales Listings|the purchase of one of Cole's comics]].
</gallery>
</center>

==References==
<references/>

==External links==
*<s>[http://www.megaupload.com/?d=ZTK7XM3N GET OFF BEFORE I GO OFF]</s> (dead link)

{{People}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Chandler, Barbara}}
[[Category:Family Members]]

Chris and fashion

2018-06-17T20:49:48Z

Yellow: /* Late tomgirl fashion */

{{Articleofthenow}}
{{taxpayermoney}}

[[Image:0043-YoungChristopher2.jpg|thumb|Fashion passes. Style is forever.]]
[[File:GoodwillCville.jpg|thumb|200px|The [[Ruckersville]] Goodwill which Chris patronizes.]]
{{Quote|Oh yeah, you just love to see me in my- in the old red, white and blue.|Chris to [[Kacey]]<ref>[[Kacey Call 2]]g</ref>}}

[[Christian Weston Chandler]] has a somewhat peculiar taste in '''fashion'''. Although he is willing to [[Chris and money|spend thousands of dollars]] on [[video games]], [[toys]], and [[sex dolls]], Chris is very stingy when it comes to shopping for his clothes, which are usually purchased secondhand at thrift stores like [[Wikipedia:Salvation Army|The Salvation Army]] and [[Wikipedia:Goodwill Industries|Goodwill]]. Prior to the [[Tomgirl Saga]], the majority of shirts he owned were colorful collared shirts and undersized rugby shirts - most of which were decorated with horizontal stripes, which, despite being scientifically proven to have a slimming effect <ref>https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superhuman-mind/201502/what-makes-you-look-fat-vertical-or-horizontal-lines?amp</ref>, have any such potential effects crushed by Chris' [[Obesity|impressive physique]]. [[Mailbag 42#The rugby shirt he wore for 3 days in a row isn't a favorite or anything|Mailbag 42]] revealed that at least one of these shirts (the "Advice Dog") was purchased by his [[Barbara Chandler|mother]]. Though his mother didn't directly dress him anymore, Chris still chose to wear these shirts. The advent of the [[Tomgirl Saga]] was accompanied by a change to garb that may have been more feminine, but was equally cheap and hideous.

==Pre-tomgirl fashion sense==
=== Childhood ===
[[Image:Ernie.jpg|thumb|200px|Ernie also enjoys "The Classic".]]

In his youth, Chris set the general tone for years to come with many striped polos, T-shirts, and khaki pants. The only difference compared to adulthood is that he sometimes dared to wear single-colored shirts with his favorite [[Sonic the Hedgehog|game]] and [[television]] characters on them. The only article of clothing he was seen in until the summer of [[2010]] that didn't follow the "long-sleeved, colorful clown suit" theme was the [[Pokémon]] T-shirt that he owned since he was 19. Being yellow, it did not look particularly good on him.

=== Trademark clothing ===
[[File:Classic post-fire 2.jpeg|thumb|left|200px|The Classic, pictured in [[April 2017]], after Chris recovered it from the hoard.]]
[[File:Chrischan5.jpg|thumb|200px|Artist's vision of Chris's typical outfit, featuring "the Horizontal Horror".]]

This is the original and most iconic look of Chris, the standard until mid-2011. It is a look immortalized in his [[Sonichu (comic)|comic book]] self-insertion. His outfit usually consisted of:
* His [[The Classic|favorite shirt]], a [[Chris and brand loyalty|St. John's Bay®]]<ref>In [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04192017 - The Shirt]], Chris claims the polo is actually a Ralph Lauren.</ref> Rugby Stripe Sueded Polo, which was so tight that it accentuated his voluptuous, masculine bosoms. This is the shirt that Chris almost invariably drew himself wearing in the comics. Trolls came to call it the "clown shirt" or "The Classic." It was thought destroyed in the [[Destruction Of Chris's House|2014 fire]] that gutted the Chandler house<ref>[[eBay]] comment: "I lost the shirt in the fire" http://contact.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ShowAllQuestions&iid=191232666489&requested=jesusguidesme2&redirect=0&frm=2047675&ShowASQAlways=1&ssPageName=PageAskSellerQuestion_VI</ref>, but later [[eBay#The Classic shirt|resurfaced for sale in 2017]], when Chris listed it for a minimum price of '''$12,000''' due to the [[Financhu Crisis]]. He had found it in a bag of damp, moldy clothes, wet from the water the firefighters had used to extinguish the flames when his house burned three years prior. He washed it, and then wore it for the first time in years when he uploaded [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04192017 - The Shirt]].
* His [[medallions]] (sporadically) and his [[High School Ring]]
* A pair of [[pedo-glasses]] attached to a chain.
* Jeans or khaki slacks. Chris's jeans typically defined his rear end to a disturbing level — he may have been wearing women's jeans, or he may have been simply wearing pants his gut long ago outgrew.
* The [[Belt Buckle of Fail]].
* Alternatively, a green terrycloth bathrobe with a mismatched (of course) black belt on occasions when he's [[April 16 Fetish Vids|in the mood]] for [[recycling]], or when even getting dressed would involve too much [[stress]].
* On occasion, a dark suit jacket, perhaps for [[Chris and death|funerals]] or [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]].
* During the winter months, a dark blue parka with orange and yellow stripes to enhance visibility.
* Starting in late [[2009]], a [[bra]] to keep the previously mentioned bosoms in check.

===The "IBA" outfit===
[[File:The Chronicles Of Chris-Chan- They see me trollin, they laughin'... -7-17-09-.mp4 20140516 130015.190.jpg|thumb|The "IBA" outfit.]]
In mid-[[2009#June|June 2009]], roughly around the time he made certain friends, Chris temporarily decided that his current look was old hat. He got rid of many of the striped shirts (mostly because he couldn't fit into them anymore) and grew a goatee.

The reformed Chris's wardrobe consisted of:

*Sunglasses over normal glasses (glasses chain remains)
*T-shirt over long sleeved shirt.
*Goatee.
*Tattoo sleeves
*A black vest that was too small for his girth.

His new attire was first properly presented to the world in the [[Rollin' and Trollin']] video.

Soon afterward, however, he went back to sporting his traditional clown shirts, and claimed that he had been pressured into making the Rollin' and Trollin' video. However, on the same day he [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back|shaved his beard]], he drew the first picture of [[Collosal Chan]], a character which preserved the look for all eternity.

===The "Gay Trucker" outfit===

[[Image:Personalprofile.jpg|thumb|Notice how his pose in this picture is eerily reminiscent of his pose in [[ShecameforCWC.jpg]].]]

After he promised to leave the [[Internet]] in the spring of [[2010]], Chris threw away his clown shirts, ditched the medallion for several months (it returned in [[Haters Gonna Hate.MOV|September]]), and picked up a new wardrobe in an attempt to look like a normal person. This included a denim jacket from Goodwill that he cut the sleeves off of, making it look somewhat like a [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilet gilet].<ref>[[Kacey Call 2]]</ref> The result was a modified version of the IBA outfit. It has been observed that when Chris tries to look like a bad boy, he ends up looking like a [[Truck Driver|gay trucker]], hence the trolls' term for his new wardrobe.

The only way he could have made it look gayer would have been by combining it with his muscle bra. Which, unfortunately, he did. [[Fridays After Five|And in public.]] At this point, going back to the medallion would have actually ''improved'' his chances of picking up [[gal-pals]].

[[File:EnjoyVagaina.jpg|thumb|left|Deftly combining what Chris [[Coke|has too much of]] and what he [[China|will never have]] [[Facebook#An Open Note (4/13/2012)|with a non-prostitute]].]]

With the arrival of the gay trucker outfit also came an interest in T-shirts that boldly expressed Chris's desire for sex, often in exceedingly tasteless ways. The first clear look at one of these shirts was in a [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV|profoundly disturbing video]] leaked in late [[April 2010]] which featured Chris wearing a [[parody]] shirt that changed the Mountain Dew logo so it read "Mount and Do Me." Fans hoped that since this was a private video for a potential sweetheart, Chris didn't intend to dress like that outside his [[bedroom]]. Alas, Chris destroyed any hope of that being the case on 18 [[June 2010]] when he wore a shirt that said "Enjoy Vagina" to Fridays After Five - a '''public, ''family-oriented''''' concert. He topped this by pulling that shirt over his head and standing around in his muscle bra, on which he had written "WANT WOMAN!" The common belief is that these unfunny, sexually-themed shirts are the next evolution of the [[attraction sign]], a way for him to inform potential mates that he is available without ever having to talk to people, nor spend any effort in making a sign.

In late [[August 2010]], Chris returned to the Internet with a series of videos in which he sported simple, loose-fitting T-shirts. The effect was interesting, bringing him closer to normality than he'd been in many years. He was still a pale, sweaty, balding, fat, pathetically weak manchild, but in Ruckersville, that put him reasonably close to the mainstream.

A number of Chris's T-shirts appear to have been with him for a decade or more--a Manchester High shirt, a souvenir shirt from the BrickFest event in [[2000]], and a [[Pokémon]] trainer shirt from the Books-a-Million where Chris played [[card games]] between [[1998]] and 2000. Either he's willing to keep shirts that have some personal significance around for a very long time, or his packrat tendencies prevent him from throwing any of them away.
{{clear}}

===The [[Carlos Chantor]] outfit===
[[File:Chantor.jpg|thumb|His best outfit yet. Too bad it did not last.]]

A single picture of Chris posing as a male prostitute was posted on Escorts.com. It is significant because it implies that Chris can dress like a normal human being if he wants to remain inconspicuous.

The black shirt and sunglasses he is wearing are never seen in any later pictures.
{{clear}}

==Tomgirl fashion sense==
===Early tomgirl fashion===
{{main|Tomgirl Saga}}

[[Image:TG19.jpg|thumb|He made himself into a [[sweetheart from the ground-up]].]]
[[File:TG10.jpg|thumb|Would you fuck me? [[It's not that cold|I'd fuck me]]. I'd fuck me HARD.]]
[[File:Chris_at_a_gay_bar.jpg|thumb|A hemline this high leaves little to the imagination.]]

In [[April 2011]], a series of leaked pictures showed Chris dressed in women's clothing in public. This outfit consisted of:

* Bright green nail polish
* Earrings (a purple glass stud and a blue ring) - Note that piercing the right ear is traditionally code for [[Homos|homosexuality]]; guess which one Chris pierced twice?
* Women's sandals
* Blue eye shadow
* Jeans
* Blue string top
* Black thong
* A silver ring (Note that silver rings have been used to symbolize a pledge of [[F Abstinence|abstinence]] until [[Lovely Weather|marriage]])<ref>[[:File:TG6.jpg]] - Chris-Tran with his new silver ring</ref><ref>[http://www.silverringthing.com/ silverringthing.com]</ref>
* A red and blue sweater vest (tank top) with a red shirt underneath it
* Red lipstick
* A new pair of [[Pedo-Glasses|glasses]]
* A new head-band (as seen in the [[Facebook]] pictures)

While not seen in the leaked images, Chris's posts in [[Tomboys And Tomgirls of Virginia]] revealed he also donned skirts and panties as part of his new look.<ref>[http://tomboytomgirls.44.forumer.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=20&p=162#p162 Re: Girly Things Tee Hee]</ref><ref>[http://tomboytomgirls.44.forumer.com/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=39&p=315#p315 Re: Mothers]</ref> In [[September 2011]], Chris was also photographed carrying a purse.

Chris was very happy with his new fashion choices, but friction with his parents made it difficult for him to wear makeup and women's clothing overtly. Sometimes he had to change after leaving the house or before returning (but he could always wear a bra and panties).<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 25]]</ref>

===Late tomgirl fashion===
[[File:CWC1214.png|thumb|150px|Chris in December 2014.]]
Chris continued to wear female clothing, albeit with some refinements, over the course of the next couple of years. Although he has long since dispensed with the clownish polo shirts and jeans, many characteristics of his tomgirl wardrobe are remarkably consistent with the way he dressed when he still wore men's clothing, especially in terms of color coordination and clothing size. He also remains committed to buying all his clothes from thrift stores, giving him the appearance of a dumpy bag lady. He summarized his style in [[November 2014]] as "colored leggings, denim skirts mini to knee length, bold colored shirts and blouses".<ref>[[Commissions#The Flufflehugs Commissions]]</ref> Some of the most frequent themes in his feminine fashion choices are:

* Clashing, violently-opposed colors (particularly red with blue or green)
* Clothing far too small for him
* Dresses or skirts with very high hems
* Leggings, to help with tucking
* Sports bras
* Big, floppy, church-lady hats
* Eye makeup, applied poorly and usually purple or blue in color

A deviation from this style was seen in the video of the [[26 December 2014]] incident, where Chris is shown in purple [[My Little Pony]] shades, (probably as a [[Honor roll|disguise]]); a silver headband, showing off his ever-receding [[hair|hairline]]; his Manchester High sweatshirt; short jeans matched with long, purple socks and/or [[DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS|another pair of pants]]; and boots (possibly Uggs).

The fact that Chris wore skirts and makeup for each of his court hearings in 2015, even those to which [[Barb]] accompanied him, suggests that he consistently dresses this way in public, and that his mother has come to grudgingly accept her son's transgender attire.

In 2015, Chris also started dying his hair blue, but predictably failed to do it properly, and ended up dying it an ugly, seaweed green instead. Combined with his wardrobe that manages to somehow simultaneously resemble the attire of a [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|5 year old girl]] and a [[Barb|65 year old cat lady]], the resulting look has been sardonically referred to by Kiwis as "mermaid grandma".

Since 2017, Chris has increasingly started wearing My Little Pony clothing, and more recently has started donning a set of [[Unicorn cosplay|unicorn ears and a horn]] (alongside his [[Sonichu Medallion]]) for his shenanigans both indoors and out.

===Gopnik outfit===
[[File:CWC Magfest Aftermath @BatteryEffect.jpeg|thumb|200px|left|"А ну, чики-брики!"]]
In [[December 2017]], Chris appeared in [[Cherokean Chant|a video]] dressed as a classic Russian [[Wikipedia:gopnik|''gopnik'']], wearing a striped black Adidas tracksuit jacket (with his usual ugly skirt) and cap, drinking a bottle of [[Alcohol|vodka]]. The full ensemble, as Chris wore for his famous appearance at [[MAGfest]] in [[January 2018]], consists of the cap, jacket (often unzipped over another shirt), and a pair of matching tracksuit pants (often under a skirt). However, he often swaps out the pants, and sometimes wears one element of the outfit on its own. Chris first wore the gopnik outfit under the [[Idea Guy]]'s influence, but seems to have adopted it as a mainstay of his wardrobe. In February 2018, he introduced a [[Christine Doll#Resurrection|new model of the Christine Doll]] with the tracksuit's stripes and logo painted on.

{{clear}}

==Chris on fashion==
In [[November 2016]], Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Women should wear skirts|posted]] a commentary on women's fashion.

In it, Chris implored women to wear skirts with leggings instead of pants, saying to "view it from [[Attraction Sign|a pervert's perception]]: they eye downward and have Good view of the in-between, as well as easier access to picture it in their imaginations from there. With a dress or skirt concealing the area, it is actually More difficult for the perv, and, thus, more difficult to picture and imagine what is or isn't at the [[China|groin area]]."

He also requested men to consider wearing kilts - stressing to wear pants underneath, saying, "NOBODY is impressed with that [[Pickle|bulge]]; moreover it is Absolutely Offensive," which indicates that Chris has shifted from [[Brassieres For Males|obsessing over men's chests]] to obsessing over their crotches.

==Theory of fashion==
The clothes that Christian chooses seem almost like a costume for him, especially his infamous striped shirt. Given that he is autistic, observers speculate that he may have difficulty with identifying things visually, including himself. In [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]], he alluded to having to take time to study his appearance in a mirror, possibly wearing the shirt in question. During the events of the [[Liquid Saga]], Chris took a special interest in [[Liquid Chris|Liquid]]'s choice of a brown striped shirt, referring to Liquid as a "Brown-Striped Impostor"<ref>[[SingStar Challenge]]</ref> and fixating on Liquid's shirt as a symbol of his inauthenticity. In any case, Chris seems to regard his clothing as an integral part of his identity in the same way that [[trolls]] do.

Like many of his lifestyle changes which occurred during the Tomgirl Saga, Chris's unceremonious abandonment of his classic shirts came as a surprise to trolls who had spent years speculating on Chris's clothing as a symbol of his identity, and his usual resistance to change as a symptom of his autism. However, even in retrospect, Chris seems to hold the clothes he used to wear in very high regard as a symbol of his identity and legacy, as shown when he listed "The Classic" on eBay for a whopping $12,000. Writing after the end of the auction, Chris felt the need to commemorate the occasion with some words:<ref>[[April 2017 Facebook posts#Barb borrowed from life insurance]]</ref>

{{Quote|1=Yes, the shirt's auction has ended high, but I am still awaiting payment from the mother of one of my fans, who, unless remains anonymous, will have her name go down in History for not only restoring a very Iconic Artifact, but also improves this artist's family's life, After the restoration and disinfection of the shirt. Her most grateful son will be proud of her for having gone down in history for Restoring the Fire-Survivor Iconic Shirt of Sonichu and Rosechu's Creator. Thank You, Missus.|2=Chris|3=on why history books should remember the momentous occasion wherein a retard bought a moldy piece of cloth from another retard}}

Not only is this statement [[Chris and his Ego|extremely egotistical]] even by CWC's standards, it also betrays the fact that Chris continues to treat a shirt that he let rot in a plastic bag for two years with an undue amount of gravitas. It seems that Chris views the clothing he has worn over the course of his life, much like [[Christopher's name change#Christopher as a separate personality|the various names he has had]], as an important symbol of his identity as it has twisted and changed. Because autistics are known to place extreme importance on inanimate objects, this can be seen as standard autistic behavior.

==Wardrobe==
Below is a gallery of most of Chris's wardrobe, prior to the Tomgirl Saga, along with links to the videos they appeared in:
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Christshirt1.png|"[[The Classic|The Classic]]" [[So Need a Cute Girl|1]] [[Harvey Birdman Commercial|2]] [[Pixelated PS3|3]] [[Christian Weston Chandler's FUTURE MESSAGE|4]] [[CWC is Angry|5]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 27th, 2008|6]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 18th, 2009|7]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 19th, 2009|8]] [[CWC's "It's All Coming Back To Me"|9]] [[SingStar Challenge Round 1|10]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2009|11]] [[SingStar_Challenge#Watch|12]] [[SingStar Challenge Round 1|13]] [[SingStar Challenge Round 4|14]] [[Show RESPECT to me, "C"CWC|15]] [[Sign Destruction Video|16]] [[CWC Personal Sonichu Presentation|17]] [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04192017 - The Shirt|18]]
Image:Christshirt4.png|"The Advice Dog" [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 24th, 2008|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate Columbus Day, 2008|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 6th, 2009|3]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 10th, 2009|4]] [[12 January 2010|5]] [[14 January 2010|6]] [[What's the Name, Christian Chandler, C H R I S C H A N|7]] [[15 January 2010|8]] [[U8C43P2A37A8 y U8C1N023V0L|9]]
Image:Christshirt3.png|"[[Liquid Chris|The Impostor]]" [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 9th, 2008|1]] [[Chop Chop Onion's Rap Showdown|2]]
Image:Christshirt5.png|"The Napoleon" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 17th, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 4th, 2009|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 27th, 2009|3]] [[Challenge for Clyde II|4]] [[15 October 2009|5]] [[9 December 2009|6]] [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|7]] [[22 January 2010|8]] [[I am Alive|9]] [[100 2269|10]] [[A Hike|11]]
Image:Christshirt6.png|"The Racing Stripe" [[I am STRAIGHT|1]] [[CWC with Bible - Leviticus|2]] [[Congrats, Jack Black|3]] [[ECV 00002|4]] [[100 2278|5]]
Image:Christshirt7.png| "The Power Ranger" [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 3rd, 2008|1]] [[CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC|2]] [[LOOK at the truth!|3]]
Image:Christshirt8.png| "The Dunwich Horror" [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 12th, 2009|1]] [[More for the crabs|2]] [[ECV 00081|3]] [[Bunny Hop|4]] [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5]] [[CWC address to Royal Board|6]] [[Address to Mao, the S.O.B.|7]] [[Apologies to Alec and Evan|8]]
Image:Christshirt10.png|"The Two-Face" [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 23rd, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate May 3rd, 2009|2]] [[Wigwam|3]] [[WeighIn|4]] [[Chris Sings Lovin' You|5]]
Image:Christshirt11a.png|"The Poké-Master" [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 6th, 2008|1]] [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero|2]]
Image:Christshirt12.png|"The Horizontal Horror" [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 8th, 2009|1]]
Image:Christshirt13a.png|"The Jerkop" [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 13th, 2008|1]] [[CWC Music Video Holding Out For a Hero|2]]
Image:Christshirt14.png|"The Greasy Flag" [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 6th, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 9th, 2009|2]] [[I am devoted to My Sweetest Ivy|3]] [[Matthew 5 27, CWC Confessions|4]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 17th, 2009|5]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate May 22nd, 2009|6]] [[I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts|7]] [[9 October 2009|8]] [[Warning - Naughty Women ;)|9]] [[Old Time Rock and Roll on Shredwud|10]] [[Brutal Legend|11]] [[3 December 2009|12]]
Image:Christshirt18.png|"The Star Fleet Captain" [[CWC More Than A Feeling|1]]
Image:Christshirt17.png|"The Scuderia Autistirarri" [[Chris's Big Night Out|1]] [[10 September 2009|2]]
Image:Christshirt19.png|"The Flag-Waving Patriot" [[Chris Destroys His Vibrator|1]] [[A CWC Audition|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate April 28th, 2009|3]] [[CWC only accepts IN-PERSON FEMALE Encounters|4]] [[Challenge for Clyde|5]] [[Brutal Legend Plus|6]] [[For_Chris#IBA.27s_video|7]] [[IPods Down and Listen Up|8]] [[Hello, Juffalo|9]] [[9 February 2010|10]]
Image:Christshirt20.png|"The Captain Falcon" [[Down with Asperchu|1]] [[CWC Update 18 March 2009 More Updated|2]] [[F Abstinance|3]]
Image:Christshirt21.png|"The DangerStripe" [[Chris Sings Fart Song for Flora|1]] [[CWC is Sad|2]] [[Address to my CWCipedia SysOP|3]] [[This was my fault|4]] [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|5]]
Image:Christshirt22.png|"The Cyclone Joker" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 21st, 2009|1]] [[CWC Callout for Miss Emily and Stephanie|2]] [[CHRIS!!! CHANDLER!!!|3]] [[A message to the Trolls|4]] [[Don't Mess With Me|5]]
Image:ChrisShirt43.png|"The Swamp Monster" [[Captain's Log, Stardate December 20th, 2009|1]] [[I like Mary Poppins|2]] [[DayOut|3]] [[FullHouse|4]] [[100 2357.MOV|5]]
Image:Christshirt23.png|"The Traffic Light" [[Chris Chan's Public Announcement|1]] [[A Sonichu Day|2]] [[Shout out to Fans in Hospital|3]] [[To Clyde and Jack.MOV|4]] [[Kill De Jack|5]]
Image:ChristshirtPoke.png|"The Manchild" [[Chris dispels videogame rumors|1]] [[Magical Man Potion|2]] [[ItIsFinished.MOV|3]] [[Haters Gonna Hate.MOV|4]]
Image:Christshirt28.png|"The Rugby of Shame" [[Christian's Update 11 September 2008|1]]
Image:Parappashirt.png|"The [[PaRappa the Rapper|PaRappa]] Shirt" [[51 50|1]]
Image:Christshirt42.png|"The Statesmen" [[10252009 For Kacey|1]] [[To Clyde Gregg|2]] [[For Chris II|3]]
Image:sportsbra.png|"The [[Muscle bra|Muscle Bra]]" [[04232010 - Autism Awareness & Men Should NEVER be Topless|1]] [[100 2265|2]] [[ECV 00001|3]] [[Pregnant Act|4]]
Image:sportsbra2.png|"The Muscle Bra 2" [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV|1]] [[WelcometoBollywood|2]]
Image:Christshirt27.png|"The Dirty Dashiki" [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 8th, 2008|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 16th, 2009|2]] [[CWC to Mr. Miyamoto-san|3]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 4th, 2009|4]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 26th, 2009|5]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate March 27th, 2009|6]] [[Challenge for Clyde II|7]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate October 15th, 2009|8]] [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|9]] [[Asperchu is a Horrendous Joke|10]] [[I am Alive|11]]
Image:Christshirt37.png|"The [[Homos|Mount and Do Me]]" [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV|1]]
Image:Christshirt25.png|"The [[Duck]]ie Shirt" [[Take that Page DOWN NOW!|1]] [[Secret Weapon|2]] [[YouTube Finale|3]] [[SingStar Challenge Round 5|4]]
Image:Christshirt26.png|"The Shamrock Shake" [[An Official Sonichu Update|1]] [[Sonichu Game Talk|2]] [[Bless the Fans, Curse the Trolls|3]]
Image:Christshirt29.png|"The Shamrock Stripes" [[Chris Sex Videos|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate July 7th, 2009|2]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 12th, 2009|3]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 13th, 2009|4]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 20th, 2009|5]] [[Clyde Cash the kid video|6]] [[Lars Is Jivin'.MP4|7]]
Image:Christshirt31.png|"The Burgundy Nightmare" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 8th, 2009|1]]
Image:Christshirt32.png|"The Burgundy Nightmare Redux" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 15th, 2009|1]] [[Chris Comes Out of the Closet|2]]
Image:Christshirt33.png|"The Bumblebee" [[Captain's Log, Stardate January 26th, 2009|1]] [[Captain's Log, Stardate February 18th, 2009|2]]
Image:Christshirt35.png|"The Intimidator" [[Chris Calls Clyde Out|1]] [[I Love You Kacey|2]] [[10242009|3]] [[29 January 2010|4]] [[C-Ya Later|5]] [[Cleveland Show Voice Rant|6]] [[Pregnant Act#The Remake|7]]
Image:Christshirt38.png|"The [[Rainbow]] Flag" [[Sonic the Hedgehog Watch & Win Sweepstakes|1]]
Image:Christshirt30.png|"The Big Green" [[We're Being Watched|1]] [[THAT IS MY HOUSE|2]]
Image:Christshirt41.png|"The White Trash" [[Captain's Log, Stardate September 29th, 2009|1]] [[War Paint Video|2]] [[Some Favored Comedians|3]] [[Lars' Ship has Sunk.MOV|4]]
Image:Christshirt45.png|"The Happy Jack" [[CWC Dare|1]] [[June062010.MOV|2]] [[To Jackie, with Love.MOV|3]] [[XBox is OK.MOV|4]]
Image:Christshirt46.png|"The Bordeaux Butcher" [[Apology to Emily|1]]
Image:Christshirt40.png|"The Ivory Poacher" [[25 September 2009|1]]
</gallery>
</center>

==Cross-dressing Boutique==
Chris has ditched the clown shirts, instead opting for an arguably worse wardrobe, see below:
<center>
<gallery>
Image:The Clopper.PNG|"The Clopper" [[Paid Video Requests#Josh Lover of men|1]] [[Paid Video Requests#Copypasta: Sexual Helicopter|2]] [[Paid Video Requests#Happy Birthday, Nathan.|3]]
Image:White tomgirl with Heart design.png|"The Shattered Heart" [[Announcement 06292016|1]] [[Unicorns Rainbows and a Bluebird of Happiness Chapter 3|2]] [[Rainbows Unicorns and a Bluebird of Happiness Chapter 4|3]] [[August 2016 Paid Video Requests#Singing "All of the Lights"|4]]
Image:imdoneadulting.png|"The Broken Brony"
 [[The_Alpha_Trion/"Young_Warrior"_Challenge|1]]
Image:thepromoter.png|"The Promoter" [[Update_02/16/2016|1]]
Image:sonicrainboom.png|"The Sonic Rainboom" [[Holiday_Greetings_to_Karen_Riley|1]]
Image:thehappyhag.png|"The Happy Hag" [[Update_01/12/2016|1]] [[Apologies_for_offending_people|2]] [[Doxing_Jeff/Francine|3]] [[Eid,_Pmurt,_Eid|4]] [[Embargo_Update_12/2/2015|5]] [[HELP,_PLEASE!!!|7]] [[GameStop_is_UNFAIR_to_Everyone;_Not_Just_Me!|6]] [[Happy_Birthday,_Martin.|8]] [[Happy_Pokémon_Day.|9]] [[HelloLadyFans|10]] [[I%27m_sick;_we_need_money_donations;_no_video_requests_for_a_while|11]] [[I_Am_me;_He_is_not|12]] [[Jeff_is_Beyond_Denounced.|13]] [[Lesbian_Sleepover_Party_Announcement.|14]] [[Lesbian_Sleepover_Party_Announcement.|15]] [[Reading:_"A_Girl_Who_Brought_Down_the_World",_"And_Apparently_Survived_a_Housefire"|16]] [[September_2016_Paid_Video_Requests|17]] [[Thank_You_from_Christine_Chandler|18]] [[Twelve_New_and_Old_Things_of_Christmas|19]] [[Update,_1/22/2016,_and_new_items_for_Cwcville_Shopping.|20]] [[Update_01/12/2016|21]] [[Update_1/25/2016|22]] [[Yes,_it_still_has_been_I,_Christine_Weston_Chandler,_who_has_been_uploading_the_videos_personally.|23]]
Image:thedealmaker.png|"The Deal Maker" [[Proposition_to_Sega|1]] [[Announcement_04/16/2016|2]]
Image:bubblegumnightmare.png|"The Bubblegum Nightmare" [[Live_Game_Stream_-_C-Log_050032017-2|1]]
Image:toothpastetube.png|"The Toothpaste Tube" [[Live_Game_Stream_-_C-Log_050032017-2|1]] [[CLog_07142017_-_Rainbow_Colouring|2]]
Image:ManchesterSweaterFixed.png|"The Manly Chester" [[I Love You, Catherine|1]] [[26_December_2014#Video|2]]
Image:Bigbaggyblue.png|"Big baggy blue" [[CLog_07072017|1]]
Image:MANCHILDMELTDOWN.png|"The Manchild Meltdown" [[I_Am_Sick_of_the_HATE!!!_(I_could_use_a_break)|1]]
</gallery>
</center>

{{Illustrations}}

==Other aspects of his Fashion sense==
===Wrist warmer===
[[Image:Wrist Warmer.jpg|thumb|Wrist warmer]]

{{quote|Yes, it is a part of my necklace; it's a "[[Wikipedia:Wilson Sporting Goods|Wilson]]" wrist-warmer I use to cover the discomfort of the number of Links back there.|Chris<ref>Email from Chris posted in old [[Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens (message board)|PVCC]] thread 162</ref>{{PublicSource}}}}

Chris likely wears this article to counter [[Wikipedia:Sensory defensiveness|sensory defensiveness]], a condition common among autistics, in which a normally harmless sensation directly triggers a fight-or-flight reaction.

===Fanny pack===
[[Image:0226-ChristianWMrsSanford.jpg|thumb|left|Chris and [[Virginia Jeanine Sanford|Mrs. Sanford]].]]
[[Image:0565-CWCKellieGrads.jpg|thumb|Chris with [[Kellie Andes]]. Chris would have, for the first time in his life, looked like he dressed sharp, if it wasn't for the fanny pack. Note the award that Kellie is holding.]]

A fanny pack (known as a "bum bag" in the British Commonwealth) is a small fabric pouch secured with a zipper and worn by use of a strap around the hips or waist. Fanny packs reached the peak of their popularity in the late 1980s and early-to-mid 1990s, and have since been considered to be a fashion faux pas.<ref>http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/once-reviled-fanny-packs-get-a-high-fashion-makeover-and-an-even-higher-pricetag-2452640#photoViewer=1</ref> Naturally, Chris wore them throughout the 1990s and 2000s.

===Cosplaying===
{{main|Chris and cosplaying}}
{{clear}}

== Sources ==
<references />

{{Chris and}}

Category:Surfshack Tito Saga

2018-06-07T00:26:06Z

Yellow:

AS THE ANCIENT HAWAIIANS USED TO SAY: "When [[Yawning Squirtle|the sea turtle]] retreats into its hardened shell, just give him time. He'll show up... especially when there's [[Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails|over nine thousand dollars!]]"

[[Category: Sagas]]

Naïve

2018-06-04T21:17:21Z

Yellow:

{{quote|oh, BTW, YOUR [[speech impediment|NASAL VOICE]] IS MORE GRATING THAN THE WORD "NAIVE", and METAL NAILS ON THE CHALKBOARD.
But "Naive" is even WORSE than NAILS.|Chris on the dreaded word<ref>From a YouTube comment to [[Liquid Chris]] on the [[REAL Protest against the FAKE#Youtube comments from Chris|REAL Protest against the FAKE]] video.</ref>}}

[[Image:Naivewater.png|thumb|110px|right|Chris's second favorite drink, right after [[Fanta]].]]

'''Naïve''' is both one of [[Chris]]'s most-used insults, and his least favorite word.<ref>From [[Mailbag 21#Chris's favorite curse word is an "F" followed by 3 asterisks|Mailbag 21]].</ref><ref>[[Autism Tutorial Extra]] - "...my first least favorite of all time is 'naive'."</ref> According to the Merriam-Webster English dictionary, the word "naïve" means "deficient in worldly wisdom or informed judgment; especially: credulous";<ref>[http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/naive Merriam-Webster's online entry about "naïve"]</ref> Chris, however, defines it in [[the July 10th Messages]] as merely "questioning one's intelligence", showing that he only understands the most overly simplified definition of the word. By the time of the [[Jackie e-mails]], he had apparently corrected his definition outwardly, but unless he really cares about his [[Virgin with rage|non-existent experience]], he probably still believes it simply means "stupid".<ref>"Naive; it questions my mentality and experience."</ref> In the [[Wallflower E-mails]], he finally uses the correct definition, confirming that "naive" is really just an unacceptable jab at his [[Chris and his Ego|unwarranted self-importance]].<ref>ibid. "My least favorite word of ALL time is "naive", [[random-access humor|NOT because of how it is spelt]], but it questions and belittles ones intelligence and experience. I am well-experienced and knowledgeable in a lot of things." Note that the Wallflower did not ask him for this answer.</ref> He also refers to it as "the cruelest of words". He often pairs it with "[[retard]]", "[[slow-in-the-mind]]", or one of his many other [[CWC-ism]] insults.

However, as shown in the [[Father call]], Chris has no idea what the definition of naïve is, believing it to mean [[Slow-in-the-minds|"unintelligent"]] instead of [[Liquid Chris|gu]][[PandaHalo|ll]][[BlueSpike|ib]][[Ivy|le]] like most [[Trolls|people]].

Chris has [[Chris and hypocrisy|called others]] ([[Liquid Chris|largely]] [[Asperchu|trolls]]) "naïve" on many occasions. During the Liquid Saga, he remarked that the name [[Ian Brandon Anderson]] sounds "[[CCWC's Final Warning to the Second CWC|about as bad as the word naïve to me now]]". It has never occurred to Chris that assuming that other people find the word "naïve" as offensive as he does is, well, naïve.

The origins of Chris's disdain for this word likely come from occasions when it has been used against him in attempts to give him constructive criticism, such as the [[Vivian Gee E-mails]]. He seems to have twisted its original, relatively polite meaning into the worst insult he can muster. When [[Matthew Devoria|Matt]] called him naïve during the [[Father Call]], Chris became enraged, almost to the point of threatening physical violence--of course, he quickly backed down once he was reminded that he was giving threats to an ex-Marine.

Ironically, back in the comics, he's accurately used it to describe himself in a non-condescending way, being "naive about dating during young adult years", suggesting that he once understood its definition properly. He seems to get seriously offended when other people call him that, but has used it several times to describe himself in the past tense.

Chris himself appears to be seriously naïve, a so-called ''naïf'', especially in his attitudes to [[Honest Content]] and posting his personal details everywhere he can.

==References==
<references/>

==See also==
*[[Slow-in-the-minds]]
*[[Autism]]
*[[Chris and English]]

{{CWC-isms}}

[[Category:CWC-isms]]
[[Category:Things Chris hates]]

Hair

2018-06-03T15:54:15Z

Yellow: /* Tomgirl hair */

[[File:Is chris's hair getting better.png|thumb|250px|Comparison of Chris's hair. Left: November 2015<ref>[[Thank You from Christine Chandler‎]]</ref> (age 33). Right: November 2016<ref>[[I Tweet AND Post Simultaneously]]</ref> (age 34).]]

Soaked with grease and rapidly falling off, [[Chris]]'s '''hair''' is one of the many indicators of his [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]].

==Condition==
[[File:ADlEp.jpg|Chris's hair in all its glory, pre-[[Tomgirl]].|thumb]]
Chris's hair has never looked good. For most of his adult life, [[Barb]] served as his barber. The result was a predictably amateurish, uneven cut which served as the perfect accompaniment to his [[clown shirt]] and social awkwardness. His refusal to regularly bathe, which leaves his hair greasy and unmanageable, hasn't helped. His hair has entered something of a plateau, as even when he does take a shower, his hair's appearance virtually remains the same, as evidenced by his [[HairDifference|video demonstration]].

Nor has switching shampoos helped. In his early 20s, Chris used Selsun Blue for dandruff issues, then switched to Head & Shoulders. To assist with his Love Quest, he shifted to "[[AXE]] brand Freeze Anti-Dandruff Shampoo & Conditioner." When he became a tomgirl, he changed it again to Garnier Fructis shampoo and conditioner. He has also used Aussie Sprunch hairspray because "it keeps my hair poofy, and smells of candy." Nothing seems to have worked, as the photographic record clearly indicates. Firsthand observer [[Catherine]] thought it "looked like straw."

Chris, however, believes that his hair looks just fine, and has always been defensive about his hygienic habits. He also had no problem with his mother's styling. During the first [[Kacey Phone Call]], he enthusiastically (while pretending to be [[Liquid]]) [[Chris and his Ego|praised said haircut]]:

{{quote|Oh come on you know, ahh...I bet his mom probably cut his hair and uh, that's uh...I think it looks good on him actually! I like his haircut. If I, I mean you know uh, I would probably get my hair cut that way in the near future.}}

===Tomgirl hair===
[[File:Cwc neptune.png|thumb|In 2016, Chris told [[Arthur Spatchcock]] that he thought his hair resembled [[Sailor Moon|Sailor Neptune]]'s. You be the judge.]]

For most of his life he kept it short and didn't alter it significantly, but shortly before the [[Tomgirl Saga]] began in 2011, Chris started growing his hair out, and after it began, he also started bleaching his hair. Chris's natural hair color is a chestnut brown, although [[Christian Weston Chandler#Early life|early photos]] from his childhood show that it was paler at one point. He seems to be dyeing his hair himself, based on the unprofessional results. The highly visible brown roots seen in pictures suggest that he did not enlist the aid of a professional stylist. Chris's hair is also evidently curly when it's long; he may have done it himself with a curling iron, but Chris is far too lax in his personal grooming for that type of styling regimen. An [[October 2012]] [[Facebook]] profile picture revealed that Chris had grown his hair to his shoulders, and for the next couple of years it remained at approximately this length.

[[File:Chris Long Hair.jpg|thumb|200px|Chris with shoulder length hair.]]

Chris has become resolutely opposed to cutting his hair, seeing it as essential to his tomgirl/lesbian identity. In [[May 2011]], Barb forced Chris to let her cut his hair. This resulted in Chris calling Barb a bitch. He had to wear a wig for a while. He also saved a clump of hair clippings and wore it around his neck in hopes that it would grow back faster. <ref>[[Jackie_E-mails_26]]</ref>

{{quote| This was supposed to be the Year of Me; I was making Best Social Progress with the [[Wikipedia: Mary Tyler Moore|Mary Tyler Moore]] hairstyle, with Better Self-Confidence; Gone in a snip snip snip of my mother's claws. I also have retrieved the hair clippings shortly after the tragedy, gathered them in a clump, wrapped the clump in a plastic wrap, put it in a plush, satin-like baggie, attached a necklace to it, and [[Chris and religion|I am wearing my clippings as a Charm to prayfully promote quicker hair growth and recovery.]]|Chris, thinking that a 1970s woman's hairstyle helps you get [[China|friends]].}}

Chris sometimes likes to accentuate his hair with a headband, in order to cover up his bald spot. Even before becoming a tomgirl, he admired his girly [[anime wings]] to the point of incorporating them into his comic. At the pride festival and [[26 December 2014|GameStop attacks]] of 2014, he wore a pair of striking blue and pink [[My Little Pony]] tassels. Sometimes he wears ponytails.

[[File:OmegaconD.jpg|thumb|200px|Chris in 2015, showing horrible [[tomgirl]] hair dye and receding hairline.]]
He dyed his hair blue in 2015, for his [[OmegaCon]] cosplay. Of course, he again failed to bleach the hair beforehand. The result is that his hair gradually turned to a sickly green color.

{{quote|But then also the way my hair turned out, after the semi-permanent hair color, kind of makes me look like Sailor Nep-- Neptune.|Chris<ref>[[Arthur Spatchcock]]</ref>}}

===Hair loss===
[[File:A little song and dance (720p 30fps H264-192kbit AAC).mp400001.png|thumb|Pictured in 2015: a prominent bald spot on the top of his head, typically concealed with a headband (which had slipped off in the still image).<ref>[[A little song and dance]]</ref>]]

Chris's encroaching baldness has done little for his already uncomely appearance. Since hitting his late 20s, his hairline has been receding very quickly. When confronted in the [[Mailbag]] ([[Mailbag 17#Chris's receding hairline disagrees|17]], [[Mailbag 25#Balding issues|25]] and [[Mailbag 28#He's also going bald|28]]) about his obviously thinning hair, Chris asserted that he was not going bald, and he was untroubled. "When it goes, and if I do go bald, I will deal with that when I cross that bridge", he declared.

In videos taken of Chris at a [[Fridays After Five]] event in 2010, a bald spot was seen starting to appear on the back of his head. By 2014, at 32, pictures showed that his hairline had receded dramatically in just a couple of years, and his hair was more poorly managed, looking even more thin, wispy and unkempt, if that's possible. While his hair is long, it has simply stopped growing on the front half of his scalp, creating an extremely bizarre effect. His attempts to brush a few locks forward do little to hide his constantly growing forehead. Catherine claimed in 2014 that it was "halfway" back on his scalp.

It should be noted that if one alters a photograph of Chris to remove his bastardized bangs, his hair looks almost exactly the same as it did before 2013 – slowly thinning and as greasy as ever.

[[File:CWC0916.PNG|thumb|200px|Chris, in 2016, continuing to bald.]]

2016 saw rapid acceleration of Chris's receding hairline. Cole Smithey seemed to begin shaving his head regularly around his early to mid-thirties so the timing seems about right for Chris's male pattern baldness to follow suite. Chris's ever poor hygiene and increasingly gross neglect of his remaining and now green mop-like locks certainly did not help. Chris's current hair is less that of a transitioning female, and more of a Doc Brown mixed with seaweed.

A popular theory amongst [[trolls]] proposes that the baldness is a physical indicator of the [[stress]] Chris claims they put him through. Realistically, however, Chris just drew an unlucky ticket in the genetic lottery. Photos of his half-brother [[Cole Smithey]] show that Cole lost his hair up front relatively early in life as well, and [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] was bald too. Ominously, [[Chris and health|inactivity]], [[McDonald's|poor diet]], illness and stress are well-known to accelerate the balding process. In addition, there is a strong correlation between the man's age with the eventual extent of the baldness – the earlier it begins in life, the less hair will eventually remain, which does not bode well for Chris's tomgirl dreams.

In recent times, Chris has taken to wearing a cap over his head to cover his receding hairline, and possibly to mimic various anime characters and drawings he's seen of attractive women wearing hats. It really doesn't do his appearance much good.

==Body hair==
[[File:115-CWCEmbarassed.jpg|thumb|Embarrassed Chris with hairy naked legs.]]
Chris has never found body hair attractive, on himself or anyone else. This is probably connected to [[Chris and gender|his hatred]] of [[JERKS|men]] and their bodies, and it began long before he became a tomgirl. In 2008, he confessed that "shorts are okay, but I don't like to show off my hairy legs." A strange [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] card shows him dressed in the costume of a female character, but deeply embarrassed, in part because the dress exposes his legs, which he depicts as covered with hair. He also claimed that "facial hair, to most women, is a Turn Off," which is his [[autistic]] way of saying that he thinks beards are ugly. Consequently, early [[nudes]] of Chris showed that he shaved his torso and pubic region.
[[Image:Chris_15_Aug_2014_changed_profile_pic.jpg|thumb|right|Chris with visible stubble on his chest from shaving or waxing.]]

It is telling that part of his [[Rollin' and Trollin'|costume]] meant to throw off the trolls included a goatee. When he needed to reclaim his identity, he pointedly [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back|shaved it off]] for the camera within two weeks.

After becoming a tomgirl, he put more effort into removing his body hair, at least initially. He told [[Jackie]]:
{{quote|I have been experimenting with body hair removal systems. I tried waxing; I had diffculty, only a little pain; I could use some help on getting the hang of it. Then I tried the "As Seen on TV" Smooth Away; it worked some, but not so much; got a rash on my leg from the effort. [[Chris and brand loyalty|I would not recommend the product.]] And lastly, which removed the latter, a hair remover shower cream Nair brand "Shower Power Max", to be specific). It worked great, but I either used a bit much or left some on longer; this was last night. I had worse pain on the rashed leg, and new rashy spots on the other, on the right side of my belly near the button, and on BOTH of my [[manboobs|nipples]]. The pain was excruciating; I was lucky to find comfort and fall asleep with a few [[dreams]]. The areas still hurt some, and I will heal, with sexier legs to look forward to. It's a blessing neither of my arms were pained from the experiment. The pain was equivilant to harsh sunburn. I would have been more comfortable with Waxing in comparison. On the classic 1-10 scale; waxing was a 2; the S.P.Max was an 8.5 (going on 9 with the extended searing pain). At least my arms, legs, torso and pubic are sin hair and real smoooth.|Chris to Jackie|}}

He also said he had given himself a "Brazillian." A Brazilian wax consists of the removal of all pubic hair, something Chris has clearly desired for a long time.

Despite Chris's efforts, photos throughout 2013, 2014 and 2015 consistently showed that, on his face at least, whatever depilatory measures he was taking were an utter failure, as his facial stubble - his "5:00," as he calls it, is always apparent. As with every aspect of his life, his laziness thwarts his dream of looking like [[Britney Spears]].

==Hair mail==
Chris told Cassie, co-founder of [[Sonichu Girls]], that his mother had recently cut his hair and he had saved locks of his hairs so all the Sonichu Girls could have them as a souvenir, he even went to the trouble of wrapping each individual lock in plastic along with a certificate of authenticity signed by the big C himself. Chris's [[Trolls|faithful fangirls]] couldn't refuse the offer.

Due to the Mexican postal service, it took several months for the hair to reach Cassie. When it finally did, it was a shock - or perhaps it wasn't. Cassie described the hair as being "greasy" and having an odd odor. Evidently, Chris's hair is so filthy, the Mexican postal service, which regularly "unknowingly" ships countless pounds of cocaine, marijuana, and other illegal narcotics per year, had trouble dealing with this biohazard. Fortunately, this violation of [http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/html/uscode06/usc_sec_06_00001203----000-.html United States Code: Title 16, Chapter 4, SubChapter IV, § 1203 (a)(4-7)] did not cause any national or international incidents.

While Chris promised 200 locks of hair, only 23 were ever sent. Chris included a letter to Cassie, in English on one side and in Chris's version of Spanish on the other. Each side had a [[Sonichu]] drawing, but the [[Spanish]] side had [[Chris and race|Sonichu in a sombrero]].

<center>
<gallery>
Image:ChrisHair1.jpg|Now future generations will be able to clone Chris so they can have their own manchild to troll.
Image:ChrisHair2.jpg|The entire collection of hair, ready for distribution to loyal Sonichu Girls (read: [[trolls]] and especially [[homos]] from rival [[Gay 4 Sonichu]])
Image:ChrisHair3.jpg|Chris went to the trouble of making a certificate of authenticity for each lock packet. You know, to keep people from cutting their own hair and claiming it was his.
</gallery>
</center>

==Gallery of hair==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Baldtotheextreme.jpg|"I am not balding; I had a haircut in that video that started that Damn Rumor."
Image:FutureCWC.jpg|What Chris would look like by now if he wasn't a [[tomgirl]].
File:Flirt1.jpeg|In 2014. With his makeup, [[Chris and fashion|second-hand stripy shirt]] and poorly managed hair, Chris ends up looking more like a [[Obesity|fat]] clown than a woman.
File:Chris facebook pic 5-29-13.jpg|Pigtails
</gallery>
</center>

==See also==
*[[Chris and health]]
*[[HairDifference]]

==References==
<references/>

[[Category:Physical characteristics]]

Hair

2018-06-03T15:52:29Z

Yellow: /* Tomgirl hair */

[[File:Is chris's hair getting better.png|thumb|250px|Comparison of Chris's hair. Left: November 2015<ref>[[Thank You from Christine Chandler‎]]</ref> (age 33). Right: November 2016<ref>[[I Tweet AND Post Simultaneously]]</ref> (age 34).]]

Soaked with grease and rapidly falling off, [[Chris]]'s '''hair''' is one of the many indicators of his [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]].

==Condition==
[[File:ADlEp.jpg|Chris's hair in all its glory, pre-[[Tomgirl]].|thumb]]
Chris's hair has never looked good. For most of his adult life, [[Barb]] served as his barber. The result was a predictably amateurish, uneven cut which served as the perfect accompaniment to his [[clown shirt]] and social awkwardness. His refusal to regularly bathe, which leaves his hair greasy and unmanageable, hasn't helped. His hair has entered something of a plateau, as even when he does take a shower, his hair's appearance virtually remains the same, as evidenced by his [[HairDifference|video demonstration]].

Nor has switching shampoos helped. In his early 20s, Chris used Selsun Blue for dandruff issues, then switched to Head & Shoulders. To assist with his Love Quest, he shifted to "[[AXE]] brand Freeze Anti-Dandruff Shampoo & Conditioner." When he became a tomgirl, he changed it again to Garnier Fructis shampoo and conditioner. He has also used Aussie Sprunch hairspray because "it keeps my hair poofy, and smells of candy." Nothing seems to have worked, as the photographic record clearly indicates. Firsthand observer [[Catherine]] thought it "looked like straw."

Chris, however, believes that his hair looks just fine, and has always been defensive about his hygienic habits. He also had no problem with his mother's styling. During the first [[Kacey Phone Call]], he enthusiastically (while pretending to be [[Liquid]]) [[Chris and his Ego|praised said haircut]]:

{{quote|Oh come on you know, ahh...I bet his mom probably cut his hair and uh, that's uh...I think it looks good on him actually! I like his haircut. If I, I mean you know uh, I would probably get my hair cut that way in the near future.}}

===Tomgirl hair===
[[File:Cwc neptune.png|thumb|In 2016, Chris told [[Arthur Spatchcock]] that he thought his hair resembled [[Sailor Moon|Sailor Neptune]]'s. You be the judge.]]

For most of his life he kept it short and didn't alter it significantly, but shortly before the [[Tomgirl Saga]] began in 2011, Chris started growing his hair out, and after it began, he also started bleaching his hair. Chris's natural hair color is a chestnut brown, although [[Christian Weston Chandler#Early life|early photos]] from his childhood show that it was paler at one point. He seems to be dyeing his hair himself, based on the unprofessional results. The highly visible brown roots seen in pictures suggest that he did not enlist the aid of a professional stylist. Chris's hair is also evidently curly when it's long; he may have done it himself with a curling iron, but Chris is far too lax in his personal grooming for that type of styling regimen. An [[October 2012]] [[Facebook]] profile picture revealed that Chris had grown his hair to his shoulders, and for the next couple years it remained at approximately this length.

[[File:Chris Long Hair.jpg|thumb|200px|Chris with shoulder length hair.]]

Chris has become resolutely opposed to cutting his hair, seeing it as essential to his tomgirl/lesbian identity. In [[May 2011]], Barb forced Chris to let her cut his hair. This resulted in Chris calling Barb a bitch. He had to wear a wig for a while. He also saved a clump of hair clippings and wore it around his neck in hopes that it would grow back faster. <ref>[[Jackie_E-mails_26]]</ref>

{{quote| This was supposed to be the Year of Me; I was making Best Social Progress with the [[Wikipedia: Mary Tyler Moore|Mary Tyler Moore]] hairstyle, with Better Self-Confidence; Gone in a snip snip snip of my mother's claws. I also have retrieved the hair clippings shortly after the tragedy, gathered them in a clump, wrapped the clump in a plastic wrap, put it in a plush, satin-like baggie, attached a necklace to it, and [[Chris and religion|I am wearing my clippings as a Charm to prayfully promote quicker hair growth and recovery.]]|Chris, thinking that a 1970s woman's hairstyle helps you get [[China|friends]].}}

Chris sometimes likes to accentuate his hair with a headband, in order to cover up his bald spot. Even before becoming a tomgirl, he admired his girly [[anime wings]] to the point of incorporating them into his comic. At the pride festival and [[26 December 2014|GameStop attacks]] of 2014, he wore a pair of striking blue and pink [[My Little Pony]] tassels. Sometimes he wears ponytails.

[[File:OmegaconD.jpg|thumb|200px|Chris in 2015, showing horrible [[tomgirl]] hair dye and receding hairline.]]
He dyed his hair blue in 2015, for his [[OmegaCon]] cosplay. Of course, he again failed to bleach the hair beforehand. The result is that his hair gradually turned to a sickly green color.

{{quote|But then also the way my hair turned out, after the semi-permanent hair color, kind of makes me look like Sailor Nep-- Neptune.|Chris<ref>[[Arthur Spatchcock]]</ref>}}

===Hair loss===
[[File:A little song and dance (720p 30fps H264-192kbit AAC).mp400001.png|thumb|Pictured in 2015: a prominent bald spot on the top of his head, typically concealed with a headband (which had slipped off in the still image).<ref>[[A little song and dance]]</ref>]]

Chris's encroaching baldness has done little for his already uncomely appearance. Since hitting his late 20s, his hairline has been receding very quickly. When confronted in the [[Mailbag]] ([[Mailbag 17#Chris's receding hairline disagrees|17]], [[Mailbag 25#Balding issues|25]] and [[Mailbag 28#He's also going bald|28]]) about his obviously thinning hair, Chris asserted that he was not going bald, and he was untroubled. "When it goes, and if I do go bald, I will deal with that when I cross that bridge", he declared.

In videos taken of Chris at a [[Fridays After Five]] event in 2010, a bald spot was seen starting to appear on the back of his head. By 2014, at 32, pictures showed that his hairline had receded dramatically in just a couple of years, and his hair was more poorly managed, looking even more thin, wispy and unkempt, if that's possible. While his hair is long, it has simply stopped growing on the front half of his scalp, creating an extremely bizarre effect. His attempts to brush a few locks forward do little to hide his constantly growing forehead. Catherine claimed in 2014 that it was "halfway" back on his scalp.

It should be noted that if one alters a photograph of Chris to remove his bastardized bangs, his hair looks almost exactly the same as it did before 2013 – slowly thinning and as greasy as ever.

[[File:CWC0916.PNG|thumb|200px|Chris, in 2016, continuing to bald.]]

2016 saw rapid acceleration of Chris's receding hairline. Cole Smithey seemed to begin shaving his head regularly around his early to mid-thirties so the timing seems about right for Chris's male pattern baldness to follow suite. Chris's ever poor hygiene and increasingly gross neglect of his remaining and now green mop-like locks certainly did not help. Chris's current hair is less that of a transitioning female, and more of a Doc Brown mixed with seaweed.

A popular theory amongst [[trolls]] proposes that the baldness is a physical indicator of the [[stress]] Chris claims they put him through. Realistically, however, Chris just drew an unlucky ticket in the genetic lottery. Photos of his half-brother [[Cole Smithey]] show that Cole lost his hair up front relatively early in life as well, and [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] was bald too. Ominously, [[Chris and health|inactivity]], [[McDonald's|poor diet]], illness and stress are well-known to accelerate the balding process. In addition, there is a strong correlation between the man's age with the eventual extent of the baldness – the earlier it begins in life, the less hair will eventually remain, which does not bode well for Chris's tomgirl dreams.

In recent times, Chris has taken to wearing a cap over his head to cover his receding hairline, and possibly to mimic various anime characters and drawings he's seen of attractive women wearing hats. It really doesn't do his appearance much good.

==Body hair==
[[File:115-CWCEmbarassed.jpg|thumb|Embarrassed Chris with hairy naked legs.]]
Chris has never found body hair attractive, on himself or anyone else. This is probably connected to [[Chris and gender|his hatred]] of [[JERKS|men]] and their bodies, and it began long before he became a tomgirl. In 2008, he confessed that "shorts are okay, but I don't like to show off my hairy legs." A strange [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] card shows him dressed in the costume of a female character, but deeply embarrassed, in part because the dress exposes his legs, which he depicts as covered with hair. He also claimed that "facial hair, to most women, is a Turn Off," which is his [[autistic]] way of saying that he thinks beards are ugly. Consequently, early [[nudes]] of Chris showed that he shaved his torso and pubic region.
[[Image:Chris_15_Aug_2014_changed_profile_pic.jpg|thumb|right|Chris with visible stubble on his chest from shaving or waxing.]]

It is telling that part of his [[Rollin' and Trollin'|costume]] meant to throw off the trolls included a goatee. When he needed to reclaim his identity, he pointedly [[That Goatee WILL Grow Back|shaved it off]] for the camera within two weeks.

After becoming a tomgirl, he put more effort into removing his body hair, at least initially. He told [[Jackie]]:
{{quote|I have been experimenting with body hair removal systems. I tried waxing; I had diffculty, only a little pain; I could use some help on getting the hang of it. Then I tried the "As Seen on TV" Smooth Away; it worked some, but not so much; got a rash on my leg from the effort. [[Chris and brand loyalty|I would not recommend the product.]] And lastly, which removed the latter, a hair remover shower cream Nair brand "Shower Power Max", to be specific). It worked great, but I either used a bit much or left some on longer; this was last night. I had worse pain on the rashed leg, and new rashy spots on the other, on the right side of my belly near the button, and on BOTH of my [[manboobs|nipples]]. The pain was excruciating; I was lucky to find comfort and fall asleep with a few [[dreams]]. The areas still hurt some, and I will heal, with sexier legs to look forward to. It's a blessing neither of my arms were pained from the experiment. The pain was equivilant to harsh sunburn. I would have been more comfortable with Waxing in comparison. On the classic 1-10 scale; waxing was a 2; the S.P.Max was an 8.5 (going on 9 with the extended searing pain). At least my arms, legs, torso and pubic are sin hair and real smoooth.|Chris to Jackie|}}

He also said he had given himself a "Brazillian." A Brazilian wax consists of the removal of all pubic hair, something Chris has clearly desired for a long time.

Despite Chris's efforts, photos throughout 2013, 2014 and 2015 consistently showed that, on his face at least, whatever depilatory measures he was taking were an utter failure, as his facial stubble - his "5:00," as he calls it, is always apparent. As with every aspect of his life, his laziness thwarts his dream of looking like [[Britney Spears]].

==Hair mail==
Chris told Cassie, co-founder of [[Sonichu Girls]], that his mother had recently cut his hair and he had saved locks of his hairs so all the Sonichu Girls could have them as a souvenir, he even went to the trouble of wrapping each individual lock in plastic along with a certificate of authenticity signed by the big C himself. Chris's [[Trolls|faithful fangirls]] couldn't refuse the offer.

Due to the Mexican postal service, it took several months for the hair to reach Cassie. When it finally did, it was a shock - or perhaps it wasn't. Cassie described the hair as being "greasy" and having an odd odor. Evidently, Chris's hair is so filthy, the Mexican postal service, which regularly "unknowingly" ships countless pounds of cocaine, marijuana, and other illegal narcotics per year, had trouble dealing with this biohazard. Fortunately, this violation of [http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/html/uscode06/usc_sec_06_00001203----000-.html United States Code: Title 16, Chapter 4, SubChapter IV, § 1203 (a)(4-7)] did not cause any national or international incidents.

While Chris promised 200 locks of hair, only 23 were ever sent. Chris included a letter to Cassie, in English on one side and in Chris's version of Spanish on the other. Each side had a [[Sonichu]] drawing, but the [[Spanish]] side had [[Chris and race|Sonichu in a sombrero]].

<center>
<gallery>
Image:ChrisHair1.jpg|Now future generations will be able to clone Chris so they can have their own manchild to troll.
Image:ChrisHair2.jpg|The entire collection of hair, ready for distribution to loyal Sonichu Girls (read: [[trolls]] and especially [[homos]] from rival [[Gay 4 Sonichu]])
Image:ChrisHair3.jpg|Chris went to the trouble of making a certificate of authenticity for each lock packet. You know, to keep people from cutting their own hair and claiming it was his.
</gallery>
</center>

==Gallery of hair==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Baldtotheextreme.jpg|"I am not balding; I had a haircut in that video that started that Damn Rumor."
Image:FutureCWC.jpg|What Chris would look like by now if he wasn't a [[tomgirl]].
File:Flirt1.jpeg|In 2014. With his makeup, [[Chris and fashion|second-hand stripy shirt]] and poorly managed hair, Chris ends up looking more like a [[Obesity|fat]] clown than a woman.
File:Chris facebook pic 5-29-13.jpg|Pigtails
</gallery>
</center>

==See also==
*[[Chris and health]]
*[[HairDifference]]

==References==
<references/>

[[Category:Physical characteristics]]

Financhu Crisis

2018-05-10T17:34:00Z

Yellow: /* Chris's frivolous spending during the crisis */

{{Articleofthenow}}

{{quote|I do not feel I would be mentally suited for an application-required, long waits to be contacted or not contacted, "am I hired yet", under "The Man", Freaking job!!! Stop Telling me to "Get a Job". Gawd!!!|Chris, April 2017,<ref name=getajob>[[April 2017 Facebook posts#Chris explains why he won't get a job]]</ref> after his friends on Facebook refused to entertain his nonsense excuses for not having a job.}}

[[File:Please, Donate (720p).mp400001.png ‎|thumb|400px|Chris's online activity for much of 2016]]

The '''Financhu Crisis''' is a term coined by users from [[CWCki Forums|Kiwi Farms]] to describe the steep decline in the Chandler family's financial management beginning in early [[2016]].

Signs of the Chandlers' worsening finances were made apparent by the increasing amounts of begging videos and donation requests on [[YouTube]] and [[Facebook]].

Given that [[Barbara Chandler|Barb]] is elderly on a [[tugboat|fixed income]], and [[Chris]] is [[Chris and stress|''lazy'']] on a fixed income, one could only bleakly speculate what will happen when Chris is eventually left to fend for himself once Barb passes away.

In June 2017, Chris began to take his [[Patreon]] account more seriously and recommenced drawing Sonichu comic pages. He has gotten several hundred dollars per month for his efforts. As a result, the begging has subsided.

==Background==
[[File:Financhu Wordle.png ‎|thumb|400px|A wordcloud of the videos and Facebook posts Chris made during the Financhu Crisis. Note how big "money" and "donations" are...]]

To this day, the Chandlers' financial woes are caused by their own irresponsible behaviors. Chris, [[Chris and money|learning absolutely nothing over the years]], has squandered any available money on [[Lego|children's toys]], [[PS4|video games]], [[McDonald's|fast food]] and [[sex toys]]. Barb, on the other hand, has simply been ignoring long-term debts and letting them pile up to alarming amounts, armed only with vain hopes that her manbaby would raise money for her bills.

'''Chris''' has made some efforts to generate income for the household over the past few years (bar that of [[Chris and stress|actually finding a job]]), which included opening an [[Etsy|Etsy shop]] in [[2015]]. However, any profits gained would immediately go straight to toy purchases, an irresponsible move that would to turn out to be a recurring problem that keeps the Chandlers in the red. The shop would eventually shut down from Chris lazily not fulfilling Etsy orders, but he would still find some revenue by the occasional [[eBay]] sales of select merch from the [[14 Branchland Court|hoard]]. To further compound the issue, Chris has been instilled with a very real belief that [[fans]] are willing to drop large sums of money into his bank account [[Chris and his ego|for nothing]], an expectation that has since been strengthened by the $1,000 donation by [[DStecks]] in [[September 2015]]. This belief would take on the form of the many begging videos that highlight the saga to this day.

'''Barb''' seems to have outstanding debts that dwarf Chris's financial handiwork. On [[September 2016]], she faced lawsuits from Discover and Capital One for failing to pay the large amounts of her credit card debt, according to Virginia District Court records. It is worth noting that it takes a lot of ignored [[Trolls|debt collector]] calls over a long period of time to get a simple credit card debt escalated to a lawsuit, suggesting that Barb may have been outright ignoring making any payments to her credit cards. Only time will tell if more creditor companies begin to sue Barb for her neglect. In [[August 2016]], Chris revealed that the household is still under a [[14 Branchland Court#Mortgage|mortgage of $115,000]], introducing a far more worrying debt looming over the horizon.

Both Chris and Barb continue to barely stay afloat with their lives thanks to their own [[tugboat]]s, but their inactive lifestyle and reckless spending will not last forever at this rate.

Despite it all, '''Chris has not once attempted to find a job'''. In April 2017, with the household finances near the breaking point, one of Chris's IRL friends informed him of [https://www.vadars.org/ DARS], a service designed to help people with disabilities enter the workforce. [[Chris and his Ego|Chris reacted ''with a temper tantrum, posting a multi-paragraph rant on not wanting to work'']].

==Outstanding debts==
This table summarizes various unpaid debts charged to credit cards and other owed amounts between Chris and Barb. Keep in mind that these are only amounts found by [[CWCki|Christorians]] via Chris' online posts and Virginia District Court public records.

On 30 November 2016, Chris started a [[Patreon]] with a goal of '''$250,000'''; he estimates $200,000 to pay off the mortgage and other debts, plus an extra $50,000 for himself, [[Chris and negotiation|just ''because'']].

{| class="wikitable sortable"
|-
!data-sort-type="date"|Date
!data-sort-type="string"|Item
!data-sort-type="currency" |Amount ($)
|-
|Ongoing
|Credit card debt<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/3-9-chris-tweets-that-hes-a-feminist.28977/page-9#post-2140532</ref>
!style="text-align:right;" |6,000.00
|-
|24 September 2014
|Loan for [[Son-Chu]]
!style="text-align:right;" |9,000.00
|-
|1 March 2016
|PS4 purchase (via Fingerhut.com)
!style="text-align:right;" |540.00
|-
|16 March 2016
|Discover Bank court case
!style="text-align:right;" |4,706.93
|-
|16 April 2016
|Payday loan
!style="text-align:right;" |3,000.00
|-
|Ongoing
|Mortgage (revealed on Facebook)
!style="text-align:right;" |115,000.00
|-
|14 September 2016
|Capital One court case
!style="text-align:right;" |15,906.99
|-
|July 2017
|Mariner Finance debt
!style="text-align:right;" |?
|- class="sortbottom"
!style="background-color:#E9E9E9; text-align:right;", colspan="2"|Total
!style="font-weight:bold;color:#FF0000"|$154,153.92
|}

==Chris's frivolous spending during the crisis==
[[File:Had-to-pay-3fyhaf (credit to Gunslinger).png|thumb|300px|A recurring theme throughout the Crisis.]]

Like any terminally irresponsible adult, Chris likes to keep his [[bedroom]] filled with toys, while [[Chris and money|keeping his wallet empty]]. Below is a list of the known expenses Chris has made during the Financhu Crisis, collected from online postings and eBay purchase history. Some amounts are estimated, but all amounts are debilitating.

During [[2016]], Chris was known to waste over $2,500 on toys.

In late 2017, Chris spent a considerable amount of money to attend [[Bronycon]]. 3-day pass tickets were around $60, but money spent on travel, food, souvenirs, and lodging is rounded to $2,000-3,000 by other attendees.

{| class="wikitable sortable"
|-
!class="unsortable"|Item
!data-sort-type="currency" |Amount ($)
|-
|New PS4 console<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/internet-detective-proves-chris-bought-the-ps4-himself.18249/</ref>
!style="text-align:right;" |540.00
|-
|About 30 game purchases for the PS4<ref>http://psnprofiles.com/Sonichu&completion=all&order=played&pf=ps4#content</ref>
!style="text-align:right;" |600.00
|-
|[https://shop.lego.com/en-US/Firehouse-Headquarters-75827 $350 Ghostbusters lego set], bought on eBay<ref name=l>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/chris-spent-over-425-on-ebay-last-month.19451/</ref> for ''higher''
!style="text-align:right;" |425.88
|-
|Transformers action figures<ref name=tftr>[[List of toys#Transformers: Titans Return]]</ref>
!style="text-align:right;"|587.00
|-
|[[Naru]], a dakimakura (or ''hug pillow'')
!style="text-align:right;"|90.00
|-
|Skylanders toys<ref>https://sonichu.com/cwcki/List_of_toys#Skylanders</ref><ref>[[Skylanders Imaginators Leader Christine W Chandler: random Review N' Stuff]]</ref>
!style="text-align:right;"|195.00
|-
|Pokemon merchandise<ref>https://sonichu.com/cwcki/List_of_toys#Pokemon</ref><ref name=ebay>[[List of toys#Bought in 2017 from eBay]]</ref>
!style="text-align:right;"|181.79
|-
|Amiibo (Smash series "Pit")<ref>https://sonichu.com/cwcki/List_of_toys#Nintendo_Amiibos</ref>
!style="text-align:right;"|12.99
|-
|"I'm Done Adulting" T-Shirt<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/attachments/screenshot-www-facebook-com-2016-10-03-14-31-36-png.141291/</ref>
!style="text-align:right;"|23.99
|-
|Lego Dimensions (assorted sets)<ref>[[List of toys#Lego Dimensions]]</ref><ref name=ebay/>
!style="text-align:right;"|238.00
|-
|My Little Pony-themed card sleeves<ref name=ebay/>
!style="text-align:right;"|13.54
|-
|14K yellow gold Cleopatra bar 16" necklace<ref>[[http://archive.is/tPnTI]]</ref>
!style="text-align:right;"|399.99
|-
|[[Skylanders avatar]] products, for use as raffle prizes<ref>[[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04142017]]</ref>
!style="text-align:right;"|750.00
|-
|[[DoopieDoOver]] artwork
!style="text-align:right;"|80.00
|-
|HexBox One
!style="text-align:right;"|400.00
|-
|HexBox Live Gold
!style="text-align:right;"|59.99
|-
|HexBox Games
!style="text-align:right;"|89.94
|-
|Sonic Forces
!style="text-align:right;"|39.99
|-
|DNA ancestry reports on Chris, Barb, and Bob
!style="text-align:right;"|500.00
|-
|God of War (PS4)
!style="text-align:right;"|59.99
|- class="sortbottom"
!style="background-color:#E9E9E9; text-align:right;", colspan="1"|Total
!style="font-weight:bold;color:#FF0000"|$5,288.09
|}

==Why Chris refuses to work==
Despite actively begging for money for over a year and a half, Chris did not attempt to get a job. One of his IRL friends, a woman from his Pokemon club named Alexa P., became concerned after seeing Chris repeatedly beg on Facebook. She suggested, in November 2016<ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Barb pawns jewelry, Chris decides to join Patreon]]</ref>, and again in April 2017<ref name=getajob/>, that he contact one of her family members who works at Virginia DARS, a government service that helps disabled individuals find work. At the first suggestion, Chris didn't follow through, and at the second, he fired off a rant about why he was unwilling to get a job, and Alexa then gave up trying to help him.

In his rant, Chris gave the following flimsy excuses:

*Busy with helping Barb and the pets.

*[[Chris and his Ego|Trolls ruined his "background check"/reputation]].

*Risk of being discriminated against for his [[Tomgirl]] gender.

*[[Chris and stress|Stress]]

*Fear of being incompetent.

Months later, in October 2017, Chris reiterated his excuse of helping Barb and the pets, and added another<ref>https://sonichu.com/cwcki/CWCki_Forums#Kiwi_Farms_post</ref>:

*His passion for, and [[Chris and reality|psychic connection to, his imaginary friends in CWCville]].

[[Lies|None of his claimed reasons hold any weight]].

Despite his professed concern for Barb and the pets being his top priority, he had no qualms about going on [[BronyCon|a three-day trip to another state]] without bringing them along in August 2017.

A "background check," as explained by [[Jackie]] and [[Kim Wilson]] many times, only applies [[Chris and the Law|to legal records]], and Chris's misdemeanors [[Honor roll|would not prevent him]] from getting a job. Furthermore, Chris's legal name during the Financhu Crisis was Christine Chandler, and since most of his history being trolled is tied to his former Christian Chandler name, Google results for his current name greatly de-emphasize the trolls' influence. In addition, fellow lolcows like [[William Elliott Waterman]] and [[Kenneth Englehardt]] also have their names linked to their internet shenanigans, yet they have gained employment.

Discrimination on the basis of gender is illegal. Charlottesville is a fairly liberal city, so his trans identity should not be an issue.

Getting a job [[Hypocrisy|would have reduced his stress over needing to beg in order to afford more toys]].

His excuses on being fearful of making mistakes and his obsession over his imaginary friends are blocks set down by his own mind - revealing that, [[Chris and psychology|rather than growing up and assuming responsibility for his future, he would rather remain a manchild forever]].

==2016 timeline==

===March===
*1st - Chris buys a PS4, worth $540, from Fingerhut (using a credit card).<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/internet-detective-proves-chris-bought-the-ps4-himself.18249/</ref>
*16th - Barb is found guilty in a debt case involving Discover Financial Services. The judgement states that she owes $4,706.93.<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/barb-sued-by-discover-bank.18379/page-28#post-1324090</ref>
*19th - Chris spends $425 on a single Lego set,<ref name=l/> available for $75 less on the lego website.<ref>https://shop.lego.com/en-US/Firehouse-Headquarters-75827</ref>

===April===
*12th - [[Please, Donate|Chris begs]]. This video is notable for being the first video devoted to asking for money.
*16th - It's revealed that Chris borrowed $3,000 from a payday loan.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/chris-spent-over-425-on-ebay-last-month.19451/page-13#post-1392146</ref>
*24th - [[Donation Request|Chris begs]] again, this time without offering crafts in exchange.

===May===
*4th - The donations listing on Chris's Etsy shop is removed, presumably for violating TOS.<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/fb-4-29-chris-is-excited-about-ratchet-clank-totes-swag.20150/page-10#post-1434759</ref>
*9th - Chris spends $60 on his [[waifu|waifu]].
*23rd - The Chandlers pay $616.52 for the first half of 14BC's 2016 [[:File:Property tax 2016 part1.png|property tax]].
*23rd - [[Donations, Please, plus Live Game Stream tonight.|Chris begs]] for bananas. He also [[Live Game Stream - Uncharted|announces]] the debut of a Support button on his Youtube channel to replace the Etsy listing.
*25th - Chris begs [[May 2016 Facebook posts#Etsy listing removal|in a Facebook post]] while reminding readers that Etsy removed his donation listing and that he has a Support button on Youtube instead.
*26th - Chris begs [[May 2016 Facebook posts#Uncharted video and donations|on Facebook]], links to his game stream of Uncharted and repeats his statements from the 25th.
*28th - Chris spends nearly $100 on Transformers.<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/updated-6-1-2016-chris-spent-100-on-transformers-five-days-after-begging-for-money.21201/</ref>
*29th - Chris spends another $30 on his waifu.<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/updated-6-1-2016-chris-spent-100-on-transformers-five-days-after-begging-for-money.21201/page-8#post-1498444</ref>
*31st - Chris spends $150 more on Transformers.<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/updated-6-1-2016-chris-spent-100-on-transformers-five-days-after-begging-for-money.21201/page-6#post-1496692</ref>

===June===
*8th - Chris's Etsy shop is closed,<ref>[[Etsy#Shop Closure]]</ref> presumably for failing to send orders.
*11th - [[Cwcville Shopping is on Vacation|Chris begs]] for money in the same video in which he announces that his shop is closed. Starting from this video, Chris adds his begging to the video descriptions.
*14th - Chris begs to have $100 for Barb's asthma medicine, in [[Donations Required, Serious. Please help|two]] [[Donations Requested, Please|videos]] which feature Barb.
*17th - [[Reading "Unicorns, Rainbows, and a Bluebird of Happiness" Chapter 1|Chris begs]] to have $200 for an electric bill, while reading a fanfic called "Unicorns, Rainbows, and a Bluebird of Happiness".
*19th - [[Reading "Unicorns, Rainbows, and a Bluebird of Happiness" Chapter 2|Chris begs]], again saying he wants $200 for an electric bill, and also wanting food money, while reading another chapter of Bluebird.
*19th - Chris wants to become a [[Women Only Need Apply - No STD's|prostitute]], in an attempt to get both money and china.
*26th - Chris begs his half-brother [[Cole Smithey|Cole Smithey]] for financial help, while simultaneously insulting him for "pissing and burning" the money he earns from working as a movie critic on apartment rent.<ref>[[June 2016 Facebook posts#O brother, where art thou?]]</ref>
*29th - [[Announcement 06292016|Chris begs]], saying that even though he got donations, he wants more because "we could still do better", before reading the third chapter of Bluebird.

===July===
*1st - Chris pays his $541 court costs for pepper-spraying a Gamestop employee in 2014.<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/7-1-chris-paid-his-court-costs.22142/</ref>
*8th - [[Rainbows Unicorns and a Bluebird of Happiness Chapter 4|Chris begs]] while reading chapter four of Bluebird.
*9th - [[Announcement 20160709|Chris begs]] in a long rant, saying he is stressed from dealing with finances. He mentions a mortgage among the bills. He wants food money for himself, Barb and their pets.
*10th–11th - [[HELP, PLEASE!!!|Chris begs]] in a series of four videos, wanting $20 or $50. He demeans himself on camera to get people to donate. Finally, he thanks people for sending the "minimum $20" before begging to have money for Barb's teeth.
*13th - [[Donations Further Requested, Please|Barb begs]] to have money for her dental work.
*13th - Chris finally decides to sell some of his toys to raise money. He lists one Pokémon card on eBay for $50.<ref>[[July 2016 Facebook posts#Chris Offers a Pokemon Card for Sale]]</ref>
*14th - Chris lists two more Pokémon cards on eBay, for $100 each.
*15th - Chris begs for food money in a [[July 2016 Facebook posts#"I'm not on drugs!"|Facebook post]], complaining that people aren't willing to donate anymore.
*18th - [[Update 20160718|Chris begs]] for money in the same video in which he reads an anniversary dedication, while expecting to be paid $50 for it.
*18th - One of the $100 Pokémon cards Chris listed on eBay is sold.<ref>http://offer.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewBidsLogin&item=282101638696</ref>
*20th–22nd - Chris produces [[Paid Video Requests|eight videos]] to earn money from his fanbase.
*23rd - Chris returns to begging [[July 2016 Facebook posts#2 Strikes on Youtube|on Facebook]]. He also announces that "this window is for Donations Only. No video requests until further notice", after his YouTube account receives its second strike against it for violating policy on "nudity or sexual content" after [[Paid Video Requests#Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shake my boobies|a video]] he uploaded on the 22nd got reported. He [[:File:Cwc-crayolasword-stitched.png|also begs]] to a Kiwi Farms user named crayolasword who asks him about the situation.
*24th - Chris announces [[July 2016 Facebook posts#I have grown a labia!|on Facebook]] that he has grown a labia using subliminal frequencies found on YouTube. He also requests donations for gender reassignment.
*26th - Three days after being barred from uploading videos to his CwcvilleGuardian YouTube account, Chris circumvents the ban by [[Paid Video Request Reminder|uploading to another account]], restarting the Paid Video Requests program and accepting offers for $10-$50.
*28th - Chris makes one sale on the video program.

===August===
<center><gallery>
File:Barb capitalone.png|Capital One Bank vs Barb
File:Dogcourtcase2.png|Chris fined - No county dog tag 2
File:Dogcourtcase1.png|Chris fined - No rabies certificate 2
</gallery></center>
*4th - Barb is sued by yet another bank. The hearing will take place on September 14th.
*5th - Chris pays $121 in court costs and fines for failing to acquire proper certifications for his dogs.
*5th - Chris begs for donations in [[August 2016 Facebook posts#House Cleaning|a Facebook post]] and asks for tubes of [[Oestrogel application and Vibrating Bra, How To.|Oestrogel]] to be sent to him.
*9th - Chris relists the Birthday Pikachu card on eBay for $500 and begs people to "Buy It Now and help me and my family".<ref>[[August 2016 Facebook posts#Buy this $3,000 VHS tape]]</ref> He also offers a VHS tape of Aladdin for $3,000.<ref>http://www.ebay.com/itm/282128626463</ref>
*11th - Chris begs [[Cole Smithey|Cole Smithey]] for financial help again, this time by saying, "Hey! Cole!!! Get off of your ass and apologize and make peace with us here, In Person, and Help Us Financially, Please".<ref>[[August 2016 Facebook posts|Get off your ass, Cole!]]</ref>
*14th - A buyer purchases the [[Megatron pistol]] from Chris, netting Chris $50. It's the first Relic of Fail to be sold during the Crisis.
*31st - Chris begs his audience [[August 2016 Facebook posts#Who wants to pay our mortgage?!|on Facebook]] to pay his mortgage of $115,000.

===September===
<center><gallery>
File:Barb vs Capital One Bank result.png|Capital One Bank court ruling.
</gallery></center>
*12th - Chris is spotted and photographed at a [[Card Games#Toys "Я" Us|Toys "Я" Us]] buying two tins of Pokemon Cards, two days before his mother goes to court.
*14th - Greene County's court rules that Barb owes $15,906.99 in unpaid debt to Capital One bank.
*19th - Chris begs in [[September 2016 Facebook posts#Another new cat|a Facebook post]], while showing off his new pet cat. He wants money to cover bills for the second half of the month, one paragraph after stating that he needed "allowance fun" to get a break from [[stress]] in the first half of the month.
*27th - Chris claims in a [[Something Completely Different - A few Transformers Jokes, also anti-Pmurt|video]] that the "fickle finances" are improving for him and Barb, shortly before playing with his newly-bought Transformers toys, showing that he is unaware or does not care about the fact that his mother legally owes over $20,000 as a result of the two lawsuits filed against her in 2016 or that the property tax for their house will be due in two months.

===October===
*18th - Chris resumes begging in a [[I'm sick; we need money donations; no video requests for a while|video]], saying that he is sick and that he is running low on chicken noodle soup and money. Notably, he had spent $160 buying Transformers toys on Ebay in the weeks beforehand.<ref name=tftr/>

===November===
<center><gallery>
File:Receipt for a penny - credit to Philosophy Phil.png|$0.01 donation
</gallery></center>

*9th - Chris, in response to the election, films a [[Eid, Pmurt, Eid|video]] of him destroying a Transformer toy that is meant to represent Donald Trump. The toy was part of the Transformers toy purchase back in September, costing him $25.
*18th - Chris spends $90 on Pokemon<ref>[[Twitter#Ticked off about Pokemon Sun]]</ref><ref>[[November 2016 Facebook posts#Pokemon Sun and Moon networking]]</ref> and Transformers.<ref>[[Twitter#More wish list demands]]</ref>
*21st - The Chandlers pay the second half of their 2016 property tax for 14 Branchland Court, costing them $616.52.<ref>[[:File:Propertytax2016paid.png]]</ref>
*21st - Chris [[Help, please|makes another video]] to beg for donations again. He also [[Twitter#Help, please|posts]] to Twitter, saying, "We need more money, please. The Mortgage people are [[Kick the Autistic|kicking us again]]. Please send money to me via PayPal".
*22nd - Chris reacts to a penny donated by a troll,<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/yt-11-21-help-please.25958/page-6#post-1893900</ref> [[Twitter#We need more than a penny|tweeting]], "We need Donations larger than a penny apiece. Please try to give us $10 or a Lot more than that".
*30th - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Barb pawns jewelry, Chris decides to join Patreon|posts]] that he will join [[Patreon]], after Barb had to pawn a necklace, which she had to sell at a significant loss for $325, to pay debts/bills.
*30th - Chris [[November 2016 Facebook posts#Another wish list update|updates]] his Christmas [[wish list]], to remove the $50 Transformers toy,<ref>http://www.bigbadtoystore.com/bbts/product.aspx?product=HAS25156&mode=retail Chris mentioned this shop listing</ref> named "Alpha Trion and Astrotrain", which he had bought. He does not pawn this, or any of his other toys, to help Barb; instead, he makes [[The Alpha Trion/"Young Warrior" Challenge|a video of himself playing with it]].
*30th - Chris launches his [[Patreon]] account. He states that he wants $200,000 to pay the "home's finances, including the Mortgage and Credit Cards". He also says he wants an extra $50,000 for "[[List of toys|rainy day(s)]]"

===December===
*1st - Chris updates his [[Patreon]] with more gifts, consisting of merchandise from Skylanders [[Chris and his Ego#Fixation on self-image|customized to appear like his in-game avatar]] (which would be produced by that company) and clarifies that he wants $250,000 total, rather than per month, showing that he still has unrealistic views on how much he can scam out of people.
*2nd - Chris uploads [[Alpha Trion/"Young" warrior challenge explained]], in which he plugs his Patreon channel while playing with expensive Transformers toys.
*19th - Barb wants to sell a [[Craigslist#Riding lawn tractor|riding lawn tractor]] for $595.

==2017 Timeline==
===January '17===
*4th - Chris [[January 2017 Facebook Posts#Inability to feel like drawing and writing the stories|whines]] about having "head of household worries", like the bills and debt; however, instead of Adulting and applying for a job, he begs to have $500 a month.
*13th - Over three weeks after the original lawn tractor ad was taken down from [[Craigslist]] due to a ween, Chris finally realized what happened and re-posted it, still asking for $595. In the meantime, he had bought over $100 worth of [[Z-Ring Fun Extra|Pokemon]] and [[Skylanders Imaginators Leader Christine W Chandler: random Review N' Stuff|Skylanders]] toys and had made videos of himself playing with them.

===February '17===
*16th - Chris uploads [[A browsing around an ol' playground]], in which he begs for money before showing footage of himself walking around a playground.
*17th - One day after begging for handouts of $10 per person, Chris plays a newly-purchased video game level for ''Lego Dimensions'', ''The Lego Batman Movie Story Pack'', which had been released on 10 February with a cost between $35-$50.<ref>https://psnprofiles.com/trophies/3900-lego-dimensions/Sonichu</ref>

===March '17===
*1st - Chris offers parts of [[March 2017 Facebook Posts#Selling Bob's stamp collection|Bob's stamp collection]] for sale.
*2nd - Chris spends $50.25 on toys after making $68 (minus the cost of shipping) from selling his father's stamps.<ref name=ebay/>
*3rd - Chris lists his [[EBay#Chris's stamp album|personal stamp album]] for $1,000.
*7th - Chris buys Lego World for the PS4 on its release date<ref>https://psnprofiles.com/trophies/5906-lego-worlds/Sonichu</ref> for $30, erasing the last of the profit he had made from selling stamps, even though he had claimed to need the money for paying bills.
*13th - He spends another $9 on Transformers.<ref name=ebay/>
*19th - Chris [[March 2017 Facebook Posts#Please buy stamps|begs on Facebook]] for people to buy more stamps, saying "[[Lie|My mother and I can Really do with the money]]". At that point, he had made $85 in sales then quickly spent $90 on toys.<ref name=ebay/> <ref>[[List of Chris's video games#PlayStation 4 (PS4)]]</ref>
*19th - White knights spring into action and purchase seven stamps, totaling $41.50. Five were bought by a single person (at $34) and the rest ($7.50) by two others.
*19th - Chris lies about wasting stamp money on toys, claiming in Facebook's comments section that he "did NOT buy any lego sets" and that the money went towards "our debtor payments" instead.

===April '17===
*4th - Barb's [[April 2017 Facebook posts#Whining about the mortgage|bank account is over $800 in the red]] after making two payments to Seterus, Inc, a loan servicing company - likely a result of failing to juggle both a past-due account and the autopay feature.
*5th - Chris [[April 2017 Facebook posts#Chris explains why he won't get a job|throws a tantrum at his Facebook friends]] after they suggest he get a job and begs for sales on his "high priced" stamp covers.
*6th - [[2017 tweets#Begging Cole for money|Chris tweets]] to [[Cole Smithey]], asking for financial help.
*7th - Chris lists the [[Sonic Totem]] on eBay for $1,500. It sold within 4 hours.<ref>http://archive.is/yGMuu - The video announcement was uploaded at 4:16 pm and the Totem sold at 8:09 pm (both times Eastern)</ref> It is also discovered that the value of 14 Branchland Court has decreased by $3,248 in the past 30 days, according to Zillow.com.
*7th - One hour after the Totem sale, Chris buys a $400 necklace for Barb, to replace one she pawned in November 2016.<ref>http://archive.is/tPnTI</ref> During the next three days, he orders $750 worth of [[Skylanders avatar]] products for his [[Stamps|raffle prizes]].<ref>He mentions ordering in [[By the book, Buy the book plus update]] and confirmed the amount in [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04142017]]</ref>
*10th - Chris [[By the book, Buy the book plus update|implores people to buy his $1,000 stamp album]], because he had ''already spent the money from selling the totem.'' He also states he will mail it later in the week.
*14th - Barb begs, [[EMERGENCY HOME UPDATE|claiming she needs money to pay an overdue power bill]], ''while wearing the $400 necklace Chris had bought her a week before''. Six hours later, Chris records a [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04142017|23-minute video of him playing with expensive toys]]. He also explains that he had used part of the Totem sale money to service his credit card debt.
*17th - In a sign of desperation, Chris [[April 2017 Facebook posts#Half-price on stamp album|slashes the price on his stamp album]] by half, to $500, and begs people to buy it.
*18th - Chris [[2017 tweets#Begging to Cole again|begs to Cole]] for the second time this month.
*19th - Chris's [[April 2017 Facebook posts#Offering six Sonichu drawings for $2,000|Paypal account is in the red by over $1,450]], because he had failed to ship the Sonic Totem; as a result, the buyer filed a dispute and eBay or Paypal placed a temporary hold on the $1,500, pulling it from Chris's account. He [[eBay#Sonichu drawings from 2014|lists six Sonichu drawings]], from 2014, at $2,000 for the lot. Then, he digs through 10 to 20 bags of wet, moldy clothes, left over from the [[Destruction Of Chris's House]] three years before, and finds The Classic shirt. He [[eBay#The Classic shirt|lists it on eBay]] for $12,000 (or a Buy It Now price of $20,000). Later, he records [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04192017 - The Shirt]] to promote the listing.
*20th - [[April 2017 Facebook posts#Barb borrowed from life insurance|Barb bails herself and Chris out of imminent financial ruin]] by borrowing from their life insurance, repeating [[Open Relationship E-mails#Barb is borrowing from Chris's life insurance|a move she pulled in 2014]]. This time, she uses the cash to fix the $800 deficit on her bank account, pay for Chris to ship the Sonic Totem to its buyer, and buy groceries.
*21st - The [[Sonic Totem]] buyer receives it in the mail and leaves positive feedback, saying, "The item arrived safely". Since the dispute was resolved, the sale money was then released to Chris, putting his Paypal back in the black.
*22nd - The [[eBay#The Classic shirt|auction for the Classic Shirt]] concludes, bid to $25,100.
*27th - Chris [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 04272017|asks people to buy his stamp album for $500]], since his bank account is still in the red. He also mentions that the Classic Shirt buyer had not paid him $25,100 for it yet, and he would give her until the next day to begin paying.
*30th - The [[Stamps#Raffle|raffle]] concludes. Chris had revenue of $165.76, but spent $790 on prizes and is obligated to spend $90 more, leaving him with a '''negative profit of $714.24'''.

===May '17===
[[File:Paypal request to cole.png|thumb|What Cole would have seen if he had clicked on the Paypal.me link Chris tweeted to him while begging this month.]]
[[File:Penny_donation_may_2017.jpeg|thumb|What Cole would have really paid.]]

*5th - On eBay, Chris halves the prices on two listings: his stamp album (again), to $250; and a collection of Sonichu drawings from 2014, to $1,000. He [[May 2017 Facebook posts#Reduced prices on eBay|begs people to buy]] on Facebook.
*5th - In a display of [[hypocrisy]], Chris mocks [[Cole Smithey]] on Twitter [[May 2017 tweets#Mocking Cole for requesting donations|for requesting donations on Patreon]].
*5th - Chris claims his bank account is in the red for the second time in a week [[Live Game Stream - C-Log 05052017|due to the auto-pay for one of his bills]], echoing the exact problem Barb claimed in the previous month. Chris's [[Monthly Tugboat]] had deposited $1,300 to him two days beforehand. He also realizes that The Classic bidder won't be paying for it.
*8th - Over the course of a week, Chris had spent $90 on [[List of Chris's video games#Games bought during the Financhu Crisis|six new PS4 games]], even though he had said his bank account was in the red. PSN allows Paypal for purchases, so Chris was either lying or being financially irresponsible by using his Paypal to fund the purchases instead of transferring the money to his bank.
*8th - After 561 days since the last update to the Sonichu comic, [[Etsy#Donate towards New Comic Book Pages|which he had been paid over $1,000 to do]], Chris [[Live Drawing Stream - 05082017|resumes work on it]]. He requests donations and pledges to his Patreon for his effort. A day later, he had gotten zero new pledges.
*10th - Chris again halves the price on the Sonichu drawings, to $500, and [[May 2017 Facebook posts#Slashed price on Sonichu drawings|begs for a sale]], stating, "my mom and I could do with some more money, please".
*11th - Chris [[May 2017 tweets#Paypal.me|links to his new Paypal.me account]] and begs for financial help.
*11th - Barb [[May 2017 tweets#Financial leap of faith|is allowing her bank account to be in the red after a mortgage payment]]. Less than a week after mocking Cole for not reconciling with Barb, Chris [[May 2017 tweets#Help, Cole!|begs him for money]], asking for [[DStecks|$1,000]].
*14th - [[Live Drawing Stream#05142017|Another livestream of Chris drawing]] Sonichu comic pages is recorded, clocking in at 1 hour and 38 minutes of footage. Chris begs for $10 donations or pledges to [[Patreon]] in the video description.
*15th - Chris [[Live Drawing Stream#05152017|records himself using Photoshop for an hour and a half]]. He begs for his audience to "PLEASE DONATE BIG NOW!" It should be noted that he filmed himself surrounded by expensive electronics, such as the PS4 camera and laptop (possibly a newly-acquired one, as it had not been mentioned by Chris before).
*16th - Chris [[May 2017 tweets#Begging to Cole again|tries to beg from Cole again]], still asking for [[DStecks|$1,000]].
*17th - The Chandlers pay the first half of the 2017 property tax for [[14 Branchland Court]], costing them $606.83.<ref>[[:File:Propertytax2017 1.png]]</ref>
*19th - After announcing that [[May 2017 Facebook posts#Pretend ads in Sonichu|Sonichu 11 pages will be ready in a few days]], Chris begs for handouts. Later that day, he discovers that his cat, Sorbet, [[May 2017 Facebook posts#Sorbet badly injured, staying at vet|had been seriously injured]] and takes him to a vet.
*24th - Chris [[Minor Update, Handouts!|begs for handouts on video]], claiming to need money for food and mentioning that he was charged $160 for Sorbet's vet bill. He demands for donations to be at least a dollar and suggests a $10 minimum. An hour later, he uploads another video, angered at having received a donation of less than a dollar. In the second video, Barb appears and joins in the begging, requesting money for meal replacement shakes.
*25th - Chris [[May 2017 Facebook posts#More begging|links to the first of the previous day's videos on Facebook]] and begs again. He also deletes the second video.

===June '17===
*16th - Barb [[We need immediate funds, please|begs for food money]], while wearing both a $400 gold necklace and a [[Semen|pearl necklace]]. Shortly after, Chris posts an in-progress Sonichu page to [[Patreon]] and begs on that platform for grocery money.

===July '17===
[[File:Mariner Finance vs Chris.png|thumb|150px|Mariner Finance vs Chris]]

*11th - Mariner Finance sues Chris for unpaid debt.
*22nd - After a month without begging, due to a boost in [[Patreon]] funds after Chris revived the Sonichu comic, [[July 2017 tweets#Resuming begging|he begs for $50]]. He had given that amount to [[DoopieDoOver]] earlier that month as a pledge on her Patreon.

===August '17===
[[File:20170824 Mariner verdict.png|thumb|150px|Verdict on Mariner Finance case]]
*1st - Chris pledges more money to [[DoopieDoOver]]'s Patreons, hoping to receive anthropomorphized lesbian [[My Little Pony]] porn in return. Doopie, aware of Chris and Barb's financial straits, offers to refund Chris's payments to her, but he refuses.
*11th–13th - Chris makes an expensive, three-day trip to [[BronyCon]] in Maryland. Other attendees have stated that the cost for going to BronyCon is around $2,000-3,000 when including travel, food, souvenirs and lodging.
*18th - Chris informs his patrons of a two-week delay in sending their books, as he had blown their funds on BronyCon instead.<ref>https://sonichu.com/cwcki/August_2017_Patreon_posts#Blew_patron_funds_on_BronyCon.2C_can.27t_ship_books</ref>
*24th - A "case dismissed" judgement is given for Chris's unpaid debt case with Mariner Finance.

===September '17===
*1st - Chris donates $20 to Red Cross to help victims in the wake of Hurricane Harvey in Texas after seeing a message from Tara Strong on Twitter.<ref name=septtweets>[[September 2017 tweets]]</ref>

===October '17===
*9th - Chris records [[CLog Special - PATREON & MORE‎‎|an updated intro for his Patreon]], stating that he still needs the income from it for [[List of toys|bills]].

===November '17===
*6th - Chris reveals he had purchased an [[HEXBox|Xbox One]] at some point recently, and looking at his games/account, he has spent around $549.93 on it.
*7th - Chris buys Sonic Forces on release day, at the price of $39.99.

==2018 timeline==
===January '18===
*27th - Chris's [[Patreon]] hits its highest-ever amount of $820.<ref>https://graphtreon.com/creator/Sonichu</ref>
*28th - He is photographed at [[The End Games]] holding new Pokémon cards.
*31st - Chris [[C-Log 01312018 - Selling my Older Pokémon Cards for my mother’s teeth|lists three binders of Pokémon cards, at $150, $200 and $700 amounts – supposedly for Barb's dental bills]]. The $150 and $200 binders are purchased on the same day. Chris purchases [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blast_Chamber Blast Chamber], for PS1.

===February '18===
*3rd - Chris lowers the price for the last Pokémon album to $500 and it is snapped up. He then [[eBay|lists a binder of UFS cards for $300]] (cutting the price to $200 later). The binder eventually sells for $150.

*11th - Chris suffers seller's remorse and buys two Pokémon cards – Charizard and Shining Gyarados – to replace the ones from his binder, spending over $50. He also maintains his habit of buying empty game disc cases to make his collection appear neater, acquiring three for [[Xbox]] at a $9 cost.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/random-chris-updates.23605/page-509#post-3079753</ref>

*27th - Searching through the hoard for more junk to sell, Chris finds a package of 25 bootleg ''Pokémon LeafGreen''/''Emerald'' games from a concerned fan who mailed them to him years ago, and puts them up on eBay, saying he wants sales "to help my mother and I some more, please. Thank you. :)"<ref>[[eBay#Pile of bootleg games]]</ref> He makes $80 in sales that day, then promptly spends $35 of it on two ''My Little Pony'' Funko dolls.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/random-chris-updates.23605/page-514#post-3115021</ref> Also, Chris sent one of his eBay buyers an empty envelope and receives negative feedback.<ref>https://imgur.com/a/jAkA0</ref>

===March '18===
*31st - Chris spends $500 to get [[CWC_Ancestry|ancestry DNA]] reports for him, his mom, and his deceased father.

===April '18===
*5th - [[More of Cole’s Things for Sale|Chris lists Cole's old homework and childhood awards for sale]].
*6th - He [[April 2018 Paid Video Requests|begs for sales]] of Cole's stuff in a paid request video.
*9th - Chris uploads another [[Buy Our Things off of my eBay to help us, Please|begging video featuring Barb]] and they claim the Chandlers must make [[April 2018 social media posts|two payments to the mortgage company]] this month, echoing [[April 2017|a problem from a year prior]]. [[CWCProtectSquad|Tings Tingz]] donates $40 because a ween had failed to pay Chris for a paid request video.
*11th - On the 74th day of the Sonichu comic's hiatus, Chris apologizes for the lack of updates. He records [[I’m stressed, but I am working]] and begs for more sales.
*13th - Chris lists more of his personal belongings and toys for sale. He also makes another [[Buy Right Now from eBay|begging video]].
*14th - Chris lists the [[Amnyfest Ring]] for sale, asking price: $10,000.
*16th - [[Jack Z]] pledges $100 for a video.
*17th - Chris thanks a fan during a [[Twitch]] stream for purchasing the ring. Jack Z gives Chris $1,200 for a trip to Bronycon, in the hopes that he will meet with Chris there and get to interview him on YouTube.
*19th - Chris lists his Wii U Fit meter for sale, along with a bonus ''emptied Teal Overtone bottle''.
*20th - Chris buys God of War (PS4) for $59.99. He also begs for a new phone because the battery on his current one is dying.
*23rd - Chris lists his porn drawings on eBay for $1,000.
*24th - Chris begs for $200 in exchange for a video tour of his house.

===May '18===
{{quote|our finances are Very Low - the worst is has ever been.}}

*1st - Chris wastes $30 on a Meta Knight Amiibo. It arrives damaged<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/random-chris-updates.23605/page-567#post-3326055</ref>.
*2nd - Chris [[May 2018 social media posts#Whining about Patreon backers reducing pledges|complains about the fact he "only" received $450 from Patreon instead of the $900]] that had been pledged prior to the billing period, even though he had gone for '''95 days''' without lifting a finger on updating the comic.
*4th - Chris [[May 2018 social media posts#Begging for sales money to ship books|begs for money to be donated to ship out people's items that they had paid for already]].
*5th - Chris [[May 2018 social media posts#Last six months, imminent financial ruin|puts out an ambiguous statement]] that something bad happened to him during the last six months and that, as a result, his finances are the worst they've ever been.
*8th - [[WE NEED MONEY FOR MORTGAGE NOW, PLEASE!|Barb and Chris beg in multiple videos]] for mortgage payment money, saying they must make two payments tomorrow and are at risk of foreclosure if they do not, and Chris states that something happened to him over the last six months which caused him to lose a lot of money. He slashes prices on ebay and [[2018 Sales Listings#Celebrity Visit From Christine Weston Chandler|offers a celebrity visit from himself]] for $500.
*16th - Ebay will charge Chris a $220 seller fee for the $2,265 worth of sales he made in April.

===June '18===
*5th - The first half of the property tax is due for $607<ref>[[:File:14BC property tax amount 2018.png]]</ref>.

{{clear}}

==See also==
*[[Chris and money]] - A more general overview of Chris's finances
*[[Chris and business]] - Chris's attempts to make money outside of begging
*[[DStecks]] - Some argue that his donation inspired Chris's shameless begging

==References==
<references/>
[[Category:Sagas]]
[[Category:Things bought with taxpayer money]]

Waifu

2018-05-10T17:33:26Z

Yellow:

{{taxpayermoney}}
{{quote|We're still gettin' to know each other ... and it's all in my head, really. ... Y'all are welcome to share your waifus anytime.|Chris on his waifu, [[Donations, Please, plus Live Game Stream tonight.]]}}

[[Image:Nanao-naru.jpg|thumb|200px|The lucky lady]]

A '''waifu''' (Japanese: ワイフ) is, generally speaking, a female character from an [[anime]] or [[video game]] that a person is attracted to and considers a [[Love Quest|significant other]]. The word comes from a wasei-eigo reading of the word "wife". Chris, however, chooses to use "waifu" in the modern sense, to refer to a [[Wikipedia:Dakimakura|dakimakura]], a [[Kimmi|body pillow]]. So far, the only references Chris has ever made to a waifu is in [[Donations, Please, plus Live Game Stream tonight.|two]] [[Live Game Stream - Uncharted|videos]] from [[May 2016]]. He introduces his waifu as "Naru".

[[Image:Chris_and_his_waifu.png|thumb|In which Chris introduces "Naru", with whom he has spent a glorious two weeks, and there is [[Mailbag 32#For more information, see Lovely Weather|nothing wrong with that]].]]

Chris bought "Naru" or "Nanao Naru QW014 Anime Dakimakura body pillow case cover" in early [[May 2016]] from [[eBay]]. Her life before Chris went from being born in a Chinese sweatshop, to spending weeks or months in a product warehouse, before being shipped to the Chandler household. Ironically the world she saw in the Chinese sweatshop she was born in was likely less depressing than watching the daily life of the Chandler family.

So far, Chris has been confirmed to spend nearly $90 on Naru.

It was confirmed that on May 9th, Chris purchased the Naru body pillowcase from eBay<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/10-5-16-chris-purchases-an-anime-body-pillowcase.20609/</ref> for $29.99.

He also bought two pillows, one on 9 May, and the other on 29 May, for $28.95 each.<ref>https://kiwifar.ms/threads/updated-6-1-2016-chris-spent-100-on-transformers-five-days-after-begging-for-money.21201/page-8#post-1498444</ref>

==See also==
*[[Kimmi]]
*[[Officer Nasty]]
*[[Sex toys]]

==Sources==
<references/>

{{Relics of Fail}}

{{Sweethearts}}

[[Category:Relics of Fail]]
[[Category:Things bought with taxpayer money]]

WTFIWWY Segment

2017-08-10T03:31:25Z

Yellow: /* Transcript */

On 29 December 2014, Nash, the star of podcast channel Radio Dead Air and a member of the Channel Awesome (formerly known as That Guy With the Glasses) team, covered the [[26 December 2014]] incident along with his co-star Tara, as part of his weekly '''''What the Fuck is Wrong With You?''''' (WTFIWWY for short) segment, where the duo talk about instances of bizarre behavior that have been documented by major news sources and/or people on the Internet. Until this point Nash had shied away from the subject of Chris for much the same reason as fellow Channel Awesome producer Linkara, namely a desire to avoid bringing Chris any unnecessary attention, but decided that he had to cover this incident due to the large number of e-mails he received on the subject (at least 87 as of the podcast), and the incident being unusually insane even by Chris's standards.

During this segment, the two react to [[Chris]]'s actions with the expected level of shock (especially Tara, who had never heard of Chris before that day), along with watching the video taken by monozettai. Tara also compares the situation around Sonic's blue arms (and [[Sonic Boom Protests|Chris's subsequent reaction]]) to people flaming over the racial changes and Auto-Tuned musical numbers in the 2014 version of ''[[wikipedia:Annie (2014 film)|Annie]]''.

The video was later posted to the Channel Awesome website under the title "[[Chris and Religion|The Passion of the Chris-Chan]]", and Nash's high-ranking status among the site's producers meant that for part of 3 January 2015 until the following afternoon, the site's top video was related to Chris.

Chris hasn't given his reaction to this video, which is rather surprising given his knee-jerk reaction to almost any [[media]] publishing, mocking, or trying to knock sense into him. It's likely the burnout from the GameStop incident simply made him overwhelmed and unable to respond. This was also the first time that [[CWCki|this very wiki]] was mentioned in the media.

==Video==
<div style="text-align: center;">{{#ev:youtube|74RhbvS4N0Y}}
</div>

===Transcript===

''[This transcript begins 1:43 into the podcast; prior to this Chris is mentioned, but not by name, and with no specifics of the 26 December incident. Nash also notes that prior to this he never wanted to cover Chris]''

'''Nash:''' Tara...are you familiar...with Chris-Chan?

'''Tara:''' [''hesitantly''] ...no.

'''Nash:''' Okay. This is a ''[[saga]]''. This is not just an--an Internet story, this is a fucking...saga. Chris-Chan is an individual who...loves [[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic]]! ''Loves it''.

'''Tara:''' The Hedgehog?

'''Nash:''' Yes.

'''Tara:''' Not, like, [[List of restaurants#Sonic|the...fast food chain]]?

'''Nash:''' No.

'''Tara:''' Okay.

'''Nash:''' The hedgehog. Loves fucking Sonic to an ''insane'' degree. And, uh, he--e also does a webcomic...I loosely use that word, about a [[Things Chris has ripped off|totally original]] character that he created, called [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]], which is a combination of Sonic and [[Pikachu]]. [[Chris and copyright|That is all his]].

'''Tara:''' Oh...!

'''Nash:''' Totally original. And if it were just this...it would be one thing. But over the course of the last few years, fuelled by [[4chan]] and [[trolls]] of various assortments, he has gone on a strange, bizarre, si-sliding rollercoaster of utter...madness. There is a wiki devoted to this person. He does not author said wiki, it's done by other people, chronicling the madness. Now, the incident we're talking about today, the reason we're getting to it today, is that...he was arrested. I'd like to say "at long last," but apparently [[28 October 2011|this is the second time]], but no, today, he was arrested...well, not today, it was on the 26th. He was arrested, and the incident was caught on video. [''pause''] Now, the reason this happened, apparently, is there is a new ''Sonic'' game called ''Sonic Boom''. Most of us who played--

'''Tara:''' They just got to that now?

'''Nash:''' Yeah. Most of us--

'''Tara:''' How long's this been a character, and they just got to that pun now?

'''Nash:''' They'd--I...well, yeah. [''shrugs''] I guess. The game is called ''Sonic Boom''. Now, most of us, we recognize this is a bad game for many reasons. The camera's awful, the characters never shut up, the gameplay is horrific, it's just a bad game. But no, this is not Chris-Chan's problem with ''Sonic Boom''. Chris-Chan's problem with ''Sonic Boom''...is that they changed Sonic's '''arm color''' from white...to blue. This has caused...a [[rage]] among--in his mind. Flames, flames, ons--that kind of...yeah. To the point where he went to his local [[GameStop]]--according to reports--attempted to deface the ''Sonic Boom'' display. Now, he's ''already'' [[List of places that have banned Chris|been banned]]...from this GameStop...

'''Tara:''' Tell 'em, Steve-Dave!

'''Nash:''' Yes, exactly! He had been banned from the GameStop before, but then...[''to his computer''] come on, I mean--I have to show them the video. Then, ladies and gentlemen, we got video! This happened. And...a--a--a...let me see if I can give you the actual video link, Tara...or just quickly type in... go to Google, and google "Chris-Chan GameStop." It's slow as dogshit, I'm sorry, I--I put the link on there, but...here we go!

''[The now-infamous video appears in a box next to the video streams of Nash and Tara]''

'''Tara:''' "Chris Chan Maces a GameStop Employee?"

'''Nash:''' Yup.

'''Tara:''' Because they changed the color of...?

[''In the video, Chris blows a raspberry, yells "Don't call anybody!" and sprays pepper spray at a GameStop employee'']

'''Nash:''' And there he goes! Hits the guy in the yellow shirt with pepper spray. [''Tara is staring at her own computer screen in visible shock''] I'll play that one again for you, as it's brief, but it happens. What you hear him say is "Don't call anybody!" is what he tells... that's his instructions. Anyway, here we go.

[''The video is shown again'']
[[File:Ezimba14644786010700.jpg|thumb|Nash and Tara view the infamous bystander video.]]
'''Nash:''' There we go, and...sprays the guy with pepper spray. [''Tara silently gasps''] And, that--that--that's what happened. And shortly after this, the [[Jerkops|police]], who were, um, none too pleased about this... you see, while it may not--I don't understand, and, uh, other people ask me about this, it's not a big deal anymore because "Well, uh the cops'll hit you with the pepper spray and th--and the taser, so what's the big deal?" Well, even if you don't hurt somebody--and the guy at the GameStop was not really hurt--the act of spraying someone with pepper spray, is an--that's considered an assault.

'''Tara:''' Yeah, you can't just do that to people. Um, like...if you have, like, a really good reason then yeah, they'll let it slide. But yeah, you can't just do that. And, wha--I--I don't understand why... your version of events here. Like, he went in...to protest Sonic's arms being blue--

'''Nash:''' Yes.

'''Tara:''' You know, fight the power, young man.

'''Nash:''' Yeah.

'''Tara:''' How did that progress to macing an employee in the face? Clearly, like, that employee probably didn't have anything to do with the changing of Sonic's arms.

'''Nash:''' No. But he has been banned from this GameStop before this. For this kind of shit. They progressively told him, "Stop coming here. Don't do this kind of thing." And, he...now, he's out on bail right now. God knows how much that's costing. He was arrested, he was held until today, from, uh, over the weekend, he's out on bail, and his version of accounts...he likens that GameStop employee you just saw, the one who was pretty much just standing there...

'''Tara:''' Yeah?

'''Nash:''' To leaping out at him in a darkened alley, like a rapist.

[''Tara looks from side to side, clearly not sure how to react. There is a long pause.'']

'''Tara:''' Does he know that he's not a police officer? [''Nash shrugs; Tara laughs nervously''] You can't just...you don't get to say, "I feared for my life."

'''Nash:''' No! You do-ho-hon't!

'''Tara:''' Unless you're a cop who kills somebody.

'''Nash:''' It...it's just THIS...really, this is the hill you wanna die on?

'''Tara:''' I...I honestly don't, like...I'm not a video game person, my nephew got a bunch of new video games for Christmas that he keeps trying to talk me into playing. He got me to play ''Minecraft'', for...I think for, like, ten minutes before I drowned in lava?

'''Nash:''' Sounds about right, yes.

'''Tara:''' Today we played some fishing game, I didn't catch any fish. He keeps trying to get me to play ''Disney Infinity'', and I'm like, I can't dishonor Captain America that way, because he has the full Avengers set. Um, so, um, I'm not a video game person. I played ''Rock Band'' sometimes--

'''Nash:''' Alright, alright. What if Captain America, in the video game, was red? What would your reaction be?

'''Tara:''' Uh, well, that'd be...weirdly...Communist, for Captain 'Murica to be wearing.

'''Nash:''' Okay.

'''Tara:''' And kinda strange. I might, like, tweet about it a couple of times.

'''Nash:''' There you go. Yeah, yeah. Would you, in fact, pick up a chemical weapon and go to your nearest game store?

'''Tara:''' Probably not.

'''Nash:''' Probably not. No. That's not what you do in this situation.

'''Tara:''' That's not what we call a proportionate response. Nor is it an effective one. Like, I've worked retail for a long time, and I'm here to tell you, the people working in the store? Fuck all to do with the decisions that are pissing you off. We're not the people who decide on the price of the item, when the store closes, how many we get in stock, what color Sonic the Hedgehog's arms are...

'''Nash:''' Uh-uh. Nope.

'''Tara:''' And if we were the people making those decisions, we wouldn't be working on Christmas Eve, in a store. So, coming after the retail people? Getting you ''nowhere''.

'''Nash:''' Nnnno, 'cuz they really...[''stutters'']

'''Tara:''' We are the Morlocks, living underground on-- ''[Audio briefly cuts out]''

'''Nash:''' When I was younger, I would get so much into a fucking tizzy about shit. Inconsequential bullshit, pop culture, it would just piss me off to great lengths about, "That shouldn't be like that, that's stupid--"

'''Tara:''' Well, when you think that people are pissed off that Annie's black...

'''Nash:''' Well, that--

'''Tara:''' She's supposed to be a redhead, and I'm like, okay, I'm about the biggest redhead elitist you're likely to meet. And they were like "Annie's going to be black," and I was like, "Oh. Alright."

'''Nash:''' I was, apparently, as far as Annie goes, I was told that the worst offense was that Cameron Diaz should apologize to Carol Burnett.

'''Tara:''' I've heard she's the weakest link, yeah. I've heard--I heard they added a couple of songs that don't really fit with the whole thing. Those are the two biggest actual problems that I heard. But people are really pissed off that Annie's black, and I'm like....."Why?"

'''Nash:''' Yeah. And, you know...

'''Tara:''' Like, it's not actually a plot point in the movie that she's a redhead. It's not. Like, she happens to be, but it doesn't affect anything. Like, there's no reason why Annie can't be black. Or why Daddy Warbucks--or, I think his name is Will Stacks now--can't be black. There's no reason why Annie can't be white and Will Stacks... ''it doesn't matter''!

'''Nash:''' And I don't recall anyone going down to their local Carmike Cinema and macing the fucking guy with the popcorn.

'''Tara:''' Well...

'''Nash:''' They're not paid enough to deal with this shit!

'''Tara:''' Give it a week or two, the movie just opened.

'''Nash:''' It's, well, i's been out on the Internet for a while. Thank you, Sony hackers. We've got more tonight, and oh, god...and--you know what, here's the thing. While Chris-Chan is such a popular Internet topic--

'''Tara:''' Is that his real name, like, [[Christopher's name change|he changed it]] because of 4chan or something?

'''Nash:''' Christian...Christian Weston Chandler.

'''Tara:''' Okay. 'Cuz, you said "Chris-Chan," and I was like, is that the new 4chan, 8chan? Are they just naming them now? They ran out of numbers?

'''Nash:''' [[Bob Chandler|BobChan]], [[Minor Family Members#Carol Chandler|CarlChan]], [[Minor Family Members#David Chandler|DaveChan]]...

'''Tara:''' Yeah...Jackie Chan?

'''Nash:''' I'm gonna tell you, our last story tonight, when we get to it, will kind of make this one seem inconsequential. But you wanted me to report on it, Internet, and I did! So...there, you go.

[''This transcript ends at 12:46 in.'']

==See also==
*[[The Kevin and Bean Show Segment]]
*[[Toucher and Rich Segment]]

==External links==
* [http://channelawesome.com/wtfiwwy-live-the-passion-of-the-chris-chan/ The full podcast on Channel Awesome]

[[Category: Media that has been published in real life]]

WTFIWWY Segment

2017-08-10T03:28:17Z

Yellow: /* Transcript */

On 29 December 2014, Nash, the star of podcast channel Radio Dead Air and a member of the Channel Awesome (formerly known as That Guy With the Glasses) team, covered the [[26 December 2014]] incident along with his co-star Tara, as part of his weekly '''''What the Fuck is Wrong With You?''''' (WTFIWWY for short) segment, where the duo talk about instances of bizarre behavior that have been documented by major news sources and/or people on the Internet. Until this point Nash had shied away from the subject of Chris for much the same reason as fellow Channel Awesome producer Linkara, namely a desire to avoid bringing Chris any unnecessary attention, but decided that he had to cover this incident due to the large number of e-mails he received on the subject (at least 87 as of the podcast), and the incident being unusually insane even by Chris's standards.

During this segment, the two react to [[Chris]]'s actions with the expected level of shock (especially Tara, who had never heard of Chris before that day), along with watching the video taken by monozettai. Tara also compares the situation around Sonic's blue arms (and [[Sonic Boom Protests|Chris's subsequent reaction]]) to people flaming over the racial changes and Auto-Tuned musical numbers in the 2014 version of ''[[wikipedia:Annie (2014 film)|Annie]]''.

The video was later posted to the Channel Awesome website under the title "[[Chris and Religion|The Passion of the Chris-Chan]]", and Nash's high-ranking status among the site's producers meant that for part of 3 January 2015 until the following afternoon, the site's top video was related to Chris.

Chris hasn't given his reaction to this video, which is rather surprising given his knee-jerk reaction to almost any [[media]] publishing, mocking, or trying to knock sense into him. It's likely the burnout from the GameStop incident simply made him overwhelmed and unable to respond. This was also the first time that [[CWCki|this very wiki]] was mentioned in the media.

==Video==
<div style="text-align: center;">{{#ev:youtube|74RhbvS4N0Y}}
</div>

===Transcript===

''[This transcript begins 1:43 into the podcast; prior to this Chris is mentioned, but not by name, and with no specifics of the 26 December incident. Nash also notes that prior to this he never wanted to cover Chris]''

'''Nash:''' Tara...are you familiar...with Chris-Chan?

'''Tara:''' [''hesitantly''] ...no.

'''Nash:''' Okay. This is a ''[[saga]]''. This is not just an--an Internet story, this is a fucking...saga. Chris-Chan is an individual who...loves [[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic]]! ''Loves it''.

'''Tara:''' The Hedgehog?

'''Nash:''' Yes.

'''Tara:''' Not, like, [[List of restaurants#Sonic|the...fast food chain]]?

'''Nash:''' No.

'''Tara:''' Okay.

'''Nash:''' The hedgehog. Loves fucking Sonic to an ''insane'' degree. And, uh, he--e also does a webcomic...I loosely use that word, about a [[Things Chris has ripped off|totally original]] character that he created, called [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]], which is a combination of Sonic and [[Pikachu]]. [[Chris and copyright|That is all his]].

'''Tara:''' Oh...!

'''Nash:''' Totally original. And if it were just this...it would be one thing. But over the course of the last few years, fuelled by [[4chan]] and [[trolls]] of various assortments, he has gone on a strange, bizarre, si-sliding rollercoaster of utter...madness. There is a wiki devoted to this person. He does not author said wiki, it's done by other people, chronicling the madness. Now, the incident we're talking about today, the reason we're getting to it today, is that...he was arrested. I'd like to say "at long last," but apparently [[28 October 2011|this is the second time]], but no, today, he was arrested...well, not today, it was on the 26th. He was arrested, and the incident was caught on video. [''pause''] Now, the reason this happened, apparently, is there is a new ''Sonic'' game called ''Sonic Boom''. Most of us who played--

'''Tara:''' They just got to that now?

'''Nash:''' Yeah. Most of us--

'''Tara:''' How long's this been a character, and they just got to that pun now?

'''Nash:''' They'd--I...well, yeah. [''shrugs''] I guess. The game is called ''Sonic Boom''. Now, most of us, we recognize this is a bad game for many reasons. The camera's awful, the characters never shut up, the gameplay is horrific, it's just a bad game. But no, this is not Chris-Chan's problem with ''Sonic Boom''. Chris-Chan's problem with ''Sonic Boom''...is that they changed Sonic's '''arm color''' from white...to blue. This has caused...a [[rage]] among--in his mind. Flames, flames, ons--that kind of...yeah. To the point where he went to his local [[GameStop]]--according to reports--attempted to deface the ''Sonic Boom'' display. Now, he's ''already'' [[List of places that have banned Chris|been banned]]...from this GameStop...

'''Tara:''' Tell 'em, Steve-Dave!

'''Nash:''' Yes, exactly! He had been banned from the GameStop before, but then...[''to his computer''] come on, I mean--I have to show them the video. Then, ladies and gentlemen, we got video! This happened. And...a--a--a...let me see if I can give you the actual video link, Tara...or just quickly type in... go to Google, and google "Chris-Chan GameStop." It's slow as dogshit, I'm sorry, I--I put the link on there, but...here we go!

''[The now-infamous video appears in a box next to the video streams of Nash and Tara]''

'''Tara:''' "Chris Chan Maces a GameStop Employee?"

'''Nash:''' Yup.

'''Tara:''' Because they changed the color of...?

[''In the video, Chris blows a raspberry, yells "Don't call anybody!" and sprays pepper spray at a GameStop employee'']

'''Nash:''' And there he goes! Hits the guy in the yellow shirt with pepper spray. [''Tara is staring at her own computer screen in visible shock''] I'll play that one again for you, as it's brief, but it happens. What you hear him say is "Don't call anybody!" is what he tells... that's his instructions. Anyway, here we go.

[''The video is shown again'']
[[File:Ezimba14644786010700.jpg|thumb|Nash and Tara view the infamous bystander video.]]
'''Nash:''' There we go, and...sprays the guy with pepper spray. [''Tara silently gasps''] And, that--that--that's what happened. And shortly after this, the [[Jerkops|police]], who were, um, none too pleased about this... you see, while it may not--I don't understand, and, uh, other people ask me about this, it's not a big deal anymore because "Well, uh the cops'll hit you with the pepper spray and th--and the taser, so what's the big deal?" Well, even if you don't hurt somebody--and the guy at the GameStop was not really hurt--the act of spraying someone with pepper spray, is an--that's considered an assault.

'''Tara:''' Yeah, you can't just do that to people. Um, like...if you have, like, a really good reason then yeah, they'll let it slide. But yeah, you can't just do that. And, wha--I--I don't understand why... your version of events here. Like, he went in...to protest Sonic's arms being blue--

'''Nash:''' Yes.

'''Tara:''' You know, fight the power, young man.

'''Nash:''' Yeah.

'''Tara:''' How did that progress to macing an employee in the face? Clearly, like, that employee probably didn't have anything to do with the changing of Sonic's arms.

'''Nash:''' No. But he has been banned from this GameStop before this. For this kind of shit. They progressively told him, "Stop coming here. Don't do this kind of thing." And, he...now, he's out on bail right now. God knows how much that's costing. He was arrested, he was held until today, from, uh, over the weekend, he's out on bail, and his version of accounts...he likens that GameStop employee you just saw, the one who was pretty much just standing there...

'''Tara:''' Yeah?

'''Nash:''' To leaping out at him in a darkened alley, like a rapist.

[''Tara looks from side to side, clearly not sure how to react. There is a long pause.'']

'''Tara:''' Does he know that he's not a police officer? [''Nash shrugs; Tara laughs nervously''] You can't just...you don't get to say, "I feared for my life."

'''Nash:''' No! You do-ho-hon't!

'''Tara:''' Unless you're a cop who kills somebody.

'''Nash:''' It...it's just THIS...really, this is the hill you wanna die on?

'''Tara:''' I...I honestly don't, like...I'm not a video game person, my nephew got a bunch of new video games for Christmas that he keeps trying to talk me into playing. He got me to play ''Minecraft'', for...I think for, like, ten minutes before I drowned in lava?

'''Nash:''' Sounds about right, yes.

'''Tara:''' Today we played some fishing game, I didn't catch any fish. He keeps trying to get me to play ''Disney Infinity'', and I'm like, I can't dishonor Captain America that way, because he has the full Avengers set. Um, so, um, I'm not a video game person. I played ''Rock Band'' sometimes--

'''Nash:''' Alright, alright. What if Captain America, in the video game, was red? What would your reaction be?

'''Tara:''' Uh, well, that'd be...weirdly...Communist, for Captain 'Murica to be wearing.

'''Nash:''' Okay.

'''Tara:''' And kinda strange. I might, like, tweet about it a couple of times.

'''Nash:''' There you go. Yeah, yeah. Would you, in fact, pick up a chemical weapon and go to your nearest game store?

'''Tara:''' Probably not.

'''Nash:''' Probably not. No. That's not what you do in this situation.

'''Tara:''' That's not what we call a proportionate response. Nor is it an effective one. Like, I've worked retail for a long time, and I'm here to tell you, the people working in the store? Fuck all to do with the decisions that are pissing you off. We're not the people who decide on the price of the item, when the store closes, how many we get in stock, what color Sonic the Hedgehog's arms are...

'''Nash:''' Uh-uh. Nope.

'''Tara:''' And if we were the people making those decisions, we wouldn't be working on Christmas Eve, in a store. So, coming after the retail people? Getting you ''nowhere''.

'''Nash:''' Nnnno, 'cuz they really...[''stutters'']

'''Tara:''' We are the Morlocks, living underground on-- ''[Audio briefly cuts out]''

'''Nash:''' When I was younger, I would get so much into a fucking tizzy about shit. Inconsequential bullshit, pop culture, it would just piss me off to great lengths about, "That shouldn't be like that, that's stupid--"

'''Tara:''' Well, when you think that people are pissed off that Annie's black...

'''Nash:''' Well, that--

'''Tara:''' She's supposed to be a redhead, and I'm like, okay, I'm about the biggest redhead elitist you're likely to meet. And they were like "Annie's going to be black," and I was like, "Oh. Alright."

'''Nash:''' I was, apparently, as far as Annie goes, I was told that the worst offense was that Cameron Diaz should apologize to Carol Burnett.

'''Tara:''' I've heard she's the weakest link, yeah. I've heard--I heard they added a couple of songs that don't really fit with the whole thing. Those are the two biggest actual problems that I heard. But people are really pissed off that Annie's black, and I'm like....."Why?"

'''Nash:''' Yeah. And, you know...

'''Tara:''' Like, it's not actually a plot point in the movie that she's a redhead. It's not. Like, she happens to be, but it doesn't affect anything. Like, there's no reason why Annie can't be black. Or why Daddy Warbucks--or, I think his name is Will Stacks now--can't be black. There's no reason why Annie can't be white and Will Stacks... ''it doesn't matter''!

'''Nash:''' And I don't recall anyone going down to their local Carmike Cinema and macing the fucking guy with the popcorn.

'''Tara:''' Well...

'''Nash:''' They're not paid enough to deal with this shit!

'''Tara:''' Give it a week or two, the movie just opened.

'''Nash:''' It's, well, i's been out on the Internet for a while. Thank you, Sony hackers. We've got more tonight, and oh, god...and--you know what, here's the thing. While Chris-Chan is such a popular Internet topic--

'''Tara:''' Is that his real name, like, [[Christopher's name change|he changed it]] because of 4chan or something?

'''Nash:''' Christian...Christian Weston Chandler.

'''Tara:''' Okay. 'Cuz, you said "Chris-Chan," and I was like, is that the new 4chan, 8chan? Are they just naming them now? They ran out of numbers?

'''Nash:''' [[Bob Chandler|BobChan]], CarlChan, DaveChan...

'''Tara:''' Yeah...Jackie Chan?

'''Nash:''' I'm gonna tell you, our last story tonight, when we get to it, will kind of make this one seem inconsequential. But you wanted me to report on it, Internet, and I did! So...there, you go.

[''This transcript ends at 12:46 in.'']

==See also==
*[[The Kevin and Bean Show Segment]]
*[[Toucher and Rich Segment]]

==External links==
* [http://channelawesome.com/wtfiwwy-live-the-passion-of-the-chris-chan/ The full podcast on Channel Awesome]

[[Category: Media that has been published in real life]]

Father Call

2017-08-08T15:20:00Z

Yellow:

[[Image:Md.PNG|thumb|Chris's drawing of <s>Guile</s> Kacey's father (from [[Sonichu Special 4]]).]]

The '''Father Call''' is a [[Phone calls|phone call]] that occurred on 4 [[November 2009]]. In this call, [[Solid Chris]] spends 2 hours on the phone with [[Trolls|Matthew Devoria]] (born [[1957]]), father of his would-be [[sweetheart]] [[Kacey]], and a retired [[Wikipedia:United States Marine Corps|U.S. Marine]] who served in the [[Wikipedia:Gulf War|Gulf War]]. Chris uses the opportunity of speaking to the dad of his sweetheart by boasting of his now-legendary [[honest]]y before flimsily attempting to defend himself from an angry father.

Their conversation is illuminating. This is probably the most blunt assessment of himself and his place in the world that Chris has ever directly received: Matt berates Chris for his [[Monthly tugboat|laziness]], [[Chris and his ego|egotism]], [[Chris and death|lack of empathy]], [[Chris's room|inability to grow up]], [[Chris and health|unhealthy lifestyle]], [[obesity]], and general failure at life. To this day, Chris has never taken any of Matt and Kacey's advice to heart; throughout the call he retorts by saying that he leads a hard life, which includes such laborious tasks as doing [[:Image:Gibson.jpg|menial]] [[chores]], [[CWC Fighter|mowing the lawn]], and [[Tour of Chris's House|cleaning the house]]. He also claims to be [[I AM STRONG|strong]] and that he [[Guitar Hero|exercises]] [[Mass debating|regularly]], as well as eating healthy by going to [[McDonald's]] only once per week and [[Homos|shoving vegetables down his throat]].

After being berated with insults for two hours, Chris became increasingly more [[stress]]ed, frequently making insensitive statements towards Matthew. In general, Chris greatly offended Kacey and her father, causing her to rethink her decision and go back to [[Liquid Chris]].

Chris recorded his [[11052009 Kacey, I Love You, and I Need You|5 November video]] as a follow-up to this conversation, hoping to repair his relationship with Kacey. He then had another [[Kacey and Liquid Call|phone conversation with Kacey]], which, to put it bluntly, ended equally as poorly.

==Summary==
* Throughout the call, ''[[Documentary|Portal]]'' is occasionally heard in the background.
* The call begins with Chris talking to Kacey and making some rather dubious-sounding claims about his weightlifting prowess. Kacey is audibly rather puzzled, and doesn't bother to question Chris on the truth of these claims, instead handing the phone over to Matthew.
* Matt starts out being fairly civil toward Chris, though it's immediately obvious that he doesn't have much respect for him. Matt begins by calling out Chris on his underwhelming employment record, and tells him that no sane employer would take his claim of being a [[Pokémon]] Gym Leader seriously.
* Upon being questioned as to the source of his monthly income, Chris reveals his [[autism]] and the corresponding monthly tugboat. Matt asks if any hypothetical children (or "'tard babies", as he says) of Chris and Kacey would also be autistic, and while Chris denies that they would be, Matt checks with Kacey, who confirms that autism is more often than not genetic. This is the first of several times Chris lies during the call, and while Matt goes easy on him this time, he won't be so generous the next time Chris does it.
* Chris reveals his dream about God promising him a daughter named [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal]]. Not only does Matt consider the idea of God sending Chris messages to be blasphemous, he doesn't even like Crystal as a name and believes it's more appropriate for a [[Little Tomboy Blue|stripper]], or [[wikipedia:Cristal (wine)|an expensive brand of]] [[Alcohol|champagne]].
* After indirectly confirming to Matthew that he was interested primarily in Kacey for her looks, he is questioned on why the great and powerful Liquid was impersonating him. Solid's response is to claim that Liquid was jealous of his success with ''[[Sonichu (comic)|Sonichu]]''. Matt is at first completely bewildered as to why Chris is spending so much time on ''Sonichu'', before using it to make the point that Chris has completely failed to move on from his teenage years.
* The tone of the conversation takes a significant turn for the worse when Matt brings up the subject of [[Twin Falling Towers]], and says that he found said video especially offensive since his mother (Kacey's grandmother) was one of the casualties in the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001. Chris's only response is to blame it all on [[Clyde Cash]], because [[Mumble 9.5|he was being "mean" to Chris]].
* Chris tries to elicit sympathy by claiming to have undergone "war-like tribulations" in his life. Matt tells Chris what war is ''actually'' like, recounting his Gulf War experiences, particularly an incident where he had to carry a dead colleague back to base. Chris retracts his statement about his problems being "war-like," but carries on whining about the hard burdens he's had to deal with, like pulling weeds, mowing the lawn, moving furniture, and burying his beloved [[Patti Chandler|dog]]. Matt is even more offended by the insinuation that this is equal to the death of his mother.
* Chris isn't discouraged by the fact that his attempts to earn sympathy aren't working, and rants semi-coherently about how the evil [[troll]]s have [[Kick the Autistic|made his life a misery]]. Not only does this self-pitying whining severely annoy Matt, Chris unwittingly digs himself a deeper hole by revealing details about the [[Ohio trip]] in the [[Julie]] saga, causing Matthew to angrily question him on why he won't come to D.C. to meet Kacey if he were willing to drive +800 miles to another state to rescue a fake girlfriend.
* Matt accuses Chris of acting like a child, and mentions the state of his room as proof that he's lazy and unwilling to take responsibility. Chris just tries to blame [[Barb]] for not helping him. Matt sarcastically comments on his lack of maturity, but Chris misses the sarcasm and thinks he's actually agreeing with him.
* In an unbelievably insensitive move even by his standards, Chris compares the effort that tidying his house would entail with the effort Matt spent carrying his dead colleague back to base. Matt is rightfully ''furious'' at this comparison, and gets Kacey back on the phone to tell her how full of shit Chris is. Kacey tells Chris that he needs to respect Matthew more, before handing the phone back to her father.
* An off-hand remark about the library leads Matt to question Chris on his reading habits. Chris says that the last book he read was ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Matt asks him what he learned from the novel, and Chris proceeds to describe the plot of ''Of Mice and Men''. Upon having this pointed out, Chris remembers which book he's talking about and gives a ''vaguely'' correct description of the plot, but seems to have only read (or paid attention to) the first half of the story.
* Matt says that Kacey reads books like Chris stuffs candy down his throat. Chris ''completely'' misses the point and angrily claims he has a healthy lifestyle. Matthew thoroughly mocks Chris's lack of basic comprehension skills, and challenges him to produce a video of himself exercising in order to prove his obviously false claims of being healthy.
* Returning to the subject of Crystal, Matthew asks Chris how he intends to support himself, Kacey and a child on his tugboat and a minimum wage job. Chris tries to claim that $8/hour is plenty for a family of three, to which Matt points out that not only is that amount of money nowhere near enough, the minimum wage is actually $7.25/hour. Chris takes a sneering tone during this debate, only serving to piss Matt off even more, and causing Kacey to again tell Chris to respect Matthew. By this point Kacey is getting pissed off with Chris's disrespect and clear failure to listen to her advice.
* Matthew again questions Chris on his lifestyle, and asks him to take his pulse. Chris discovers his pulse to be 84 per minute; Kacey overhears this and tells Chris that with his history of heart trouble, such a pulse indicates a serious problem. Chris doesn't seem at all bothered by him possibly risking death, which really annoys Kacey and causes her to storm off.
* Chris bizarrely attempts to make himself look better by boasting that he's American-born and bred, and has never even left the country, somehow thinking this will impress a man who fought in Iraq. Matt points out that not only is this irrelevant since Kacey and Liquid Chris are also American, true patriots don't make videos mocking 9/11.
* Matt decides to test Chris's memory and asks him various details about Kacey; Chris gets her favorite color vaguely right, has no idea what her favorite flower is, and takes forever to remember which of her family members died on 9/11 (which should've been easy for Chris because Matt told him ''earlier in'' the conversation). Matt tells Chris that he must be [[naïve]] to think he would have any chance with Kacey; Chris gets ''really'' annoyed by Matthew's usage of [[Niggos|the dreaded "N" word]] and actually implies that he would try to kick Matthew's ass were they in the same room. At least, until Matthew reminds him which of the two was formerly in the USMC, causing Chris to quickly backtrack on his threats.
* Out of nowhere, Chris suddenly brings up his experience of being restrained by his elementary school principal and teachers. This is probably yet another attempt to gain sympathy, but Matthew just considers it more evidence that Chris has serious problems, and points out how hypocritical it is for him to accuse Liquid of being the crazy one.
* Matt brings up Chris's first meeting with Kacey (and her sister), and accuses him of acting in an inappropriate "touchy-feely" manner, which Chris just flat-out denies being true. This leads into Matthew questioning Chris on where he would take Kacey on a date, and in turn how much he would tip the server. Chris's response indicates that he believes the "15% rule" [[Autism|to be a cast-iron rule]], rather than just a rough guideline for tipping.
* Chris abruptly attempts to end the call, partly because of how late at night it is, but also because he thinks Matthew is being disrespectful to ''him''. Kacey comes back one last time and rails at Chris for being disrespectful and generally full of shit, as Matthew attempts to hold back laughter; Chris doesn't give a clear answer to any of her accusations, resulting in her storming out of the call for good. The tape runs out before the call actually ends, but it's clear by now that Chris has fucked up, big time.

==Video==
<center>
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name = Father Call
| audio = {{#ev:youtube|Jhp5WyvPWNI}}
| Stardate = 4 November 2009
| Featuring = [[Chris]]; [[Kacey]]
| Saga = {{Liquid}} Liquid Saga
| previous = [[Kacey Call 24]]
| next = [[Kacey and Liquid Call]]
}} </center>

{{Improve|runtimes|accurately correct transcripting}}

===Matthew Makes the Scene (0:00-4:26)===
'''Chris:''' Hello?

'''Kacey:''' Hey, Chris, it's Kacey!

'''Chris:''' Hi, Kacey, how are you?

'''Kacey:''' Um, I'm cool, um, I'm over at my parents' house, cause, um, they wanted to call [''Chris speaks over her''] 'cause they saw some of your videos and I gave them the letter.

'''Chris:''' Okay, all right. Actually, I'm uploading a [[11042009 51 50|video]] now, I did fif--I did 51 reps with, uh, 50-pound weights… well, not really weights, but as much as they are…

'''Kacey:''' You did 51 reps or 51 times? 'Cause reps are different.

'''Chris:''' You know, li… you know, lifted them up, 51 times, lifted them up with each arm. 51 times--arm, so it's a total of 102.

'''Kacey:''' Hmm. [''pause''] Well, at--was--was it hard?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, it was hard, but… it was a show of strength anyway.

'''Kacey:''' Um, that's funny, 'cause I have to lift, like… 100 and more pounds for my job--I, but, um, let me go ahead and get my dad for you, because he wants to talk to you.

'''Chris:''' Alright, by the way what's his name? [''pause''] Mokay.

'''Kacey:''' I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, uh, it's Matthew.

'''Chris:''' Oh, Matthew, okay.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. [''corpsing'']

'''Chris:''' Alright.

'''Kacey:''' Alright, well gu--just give me a minute.

'''Chris:''' Okay. [''long pause and typing noises'']

'''Matthew:''' Hello, Chris. This is ''Matthew'', Kacey's father.

'''Chris:''' Hello, si--good evening, sir, how are you?

'''Matthew:''' I'm good, thank you. How are you?

'''Chris:''' I'm da--I'm doing good.

'''Matthew:''' Good. Good. So, uh… so, I've got a couple of questions for you… well, n'I mean more than a couple. Aaai?

'''Chris:''' That's fine, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige with an answe--with an honest answer.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. [''inhales''] Well, uh, first and foremost, uh, let's see, uh… you got a job, son?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, not currently, but [[Chris's resume|I am working towards getting a job]]. I have been filling applications left and right.

'''Matthew:''' Really, really, what kinds of places, uh, what kind of skills you got?

'''Chris:''' Hmm, yeah, w--yeah, I'm looking, um--I'm applying for, like, uh--retail stores and such, uh got an application for a new CVS in [[Ruckersville]], and uh, one over at the [[Walmart]], and I had one over at [[Target]]… I have worked before, I've worked at--duh, [[Wendy's]] in di--Ruckersville for a few months… first off, I worked off as a sales representative for, uh… [[Cutco]] Cutlery.

'''Matthew:''' Right, that's--that's minimum wage stuff, uh… yi, d'you go to college or something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|I went to college]] and, uh, got a degree and a certificate in [[CADD|Computer Aided Drafting and Design]].

'''Matthew:''' And you're working at… ''Target''… I mean, I know the economy's bad, but I mean… surely, you've gotta, you know, use that somehow, right? And how old are you again?

'''Chris:''' I'm 27… sir.

'''Matthew:''' You're almost ''30'' and you're working at the… ''Target''. You wanna work at Target, I should say.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… yeah, well, not really sure what kind of jobs my, uh… degree and certificate would get me, but I mean, like, you know… but I mean, if I--if I did know, then I'd certainly strike up on the job…

'''Matthew:''' You got a degree not knowing what kind of jobs you could get… in that field, and you've had it for how long? When did you graduate?

'''Chris:''' Hmm… I graduated in 2006.

'''Matthew:''' 2006, so you've had it for 3 years and you have done nothing with it… y-you haven't… you haven't had any jobs between then?

===The Pokémon Volunteer Who Lives with His Parents (4:28-11:01)===
'''Chris:''' Yeah, I had--I did--I did volunte--I have done volunteer work… uh… [''cut off'']

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't pay, though. Although, what kind? [''stutters''] Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' Uwha--what kind of volunteer work? Humor me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, well yeah, I helped the--I helped, uh… the chil--I helped the, uh, children over at the--at the [[The GAMe PLACe|Assistant Gym Leader]] for the [[Pokémon]] [[Trading Card Game]] league, a few years back…

'''Matthew:''' P--''Pokémon''? Di--wait, that…

'''Chris:''' You know, teach them how to play, and building decks from ther-swha-what scraps they had, and uh… di--making sure they kept in order, y'know, d-d-don't get too crazy…

'''Matthew:''' And how long ago was this?

'''Chris:''' …I'm sorry, what was that?

'''Matthew:''' How long ago was this? I mean, wasn't that ''Pokémon'' thing, wasn't that back in [[1990s|the 90s]] when that was really popular? Because I think my youngest daughter used to like that, but you know, that was years ago.

'''Chris:''' It was the late 90s.

'''Matthew:''' LATE 90s.

'''Chris:''' [''stutters''] That's still going strong. Maybe I--

'''Matthew:''' If you say so.

'''Chris:''' …and I have been doing that from 1998 'till about 2008. [''pause''] So about 10 years I've been doing that.

'''Matthew:''' Right. You've been playing a children's card game for 10 years.

'''Chris:''' …yeah, but also [''stutters''], like, as you know, like, a form of babysitting.

'''Matthew:''' Babysitting… but… but doesn't babysitting usually, you know, pay? I mean, and, that doesn't sound like you're volunteering. When I think volunteering work, I think like, you know, Red Cross, that kind of thing. You know, actually going out and ''really'' helping people. Planting ''trees'', that kind of stuff.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have--I have been--I have helped people--out. You know, I, uh, helped, like, the parents mind… knowing their children were in a safe environment and I helped ensure that their children were playing and, uh, were within the safe environment and that nothing was to go wrong and, uh, and I was respected as an authoritative figure in that sense.

'''Matthew:''' Right. I'ean, [''stutters''] and… but… are you still doing this? I mean, or what are you doing right now? If you stopped, why aren't you doing this anymore? [''crinkles paper or snack bag'']

'''Chris:''' Ummm… yeah, it was kinda, um, kinda like, uh, you know, not too m--not too many were showing up, so it was like my choice on ending that, you know. But yeah, it was a sa--yeah, it was kind of a sad day for me, you know, to have to put that behind me, but, you know, we gotta move on, but anyway… but anyway, aside from that, I… I've been searching and, uh, doing [''stutters a lot''] yardwork for my family and other sorts of… heavy lifting.

'''Matthew:''' Right, right… well--aaaah, anyways, I'm done talking about, uh, ''Pokeyman'' now. I got a couple more. So, uh, what kind of place you got, you got a place of your own? Where you living at?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I'm currently living in a [[14 Branchland Court|two-story house]] with [[Borb|my mother and my father]].

'''Matthew:''' Living with your parents, age 30. Got it. [''Chris tries to interrupt''] ''Almost'' 30, excuse me.

'''Chris:''' Well, uh, I hope that, uh, doesn't strike you in a bad thing, but it's like, uh, I just did not feel comfortable leaving the safety of my home with the, uh, for the while.

'''Matthew:''' And, uh, why is that exactly?

'''Chris:''' 'Cause I could not really, I just did not feel, you know, like I was ready for a place of my own just yet.

'''Matthew:''' You gotta leave somehow, you've gotta leave at some point. I mean, I think most of my kids will, you know, move out 18, 20… y'kn--I'm okay if they hang out while they're in college, but after that they gotta start looking for a place of their own, you know?

'''Chris:''' Yeah… yeah. But, you know, to--to each their own individual growth rates.

'''Matthew:''' Right, but, but uh, I just gotta ask, though… I mean, you're really serious about Kacey, are you not?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I--yes, I am serious about Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Okay so… uh-

'''Chris:''' And with her help, I feel like I could get a good start on being able to, uh, you know, shortly, in the near future, move out of my--[[Rental House|move of the house]].

'''Matthew:''' …with her help?

'''Chris:''' …and get a place of my own…

'''Matthew:''' You need her help in order to support both of you?

'''Chris:''' [''floundering''] It's more like, you know… um… ye, some details I'm not understand… I talk to my parents sometimes about that, but it's like, uh, you know… mmm… I… it's like a… whole bunch of details… you know… yeah. [''says "mmm" or audibly farts'']

'''Matthew:''' Explain, please. [''stutters''] I don't know what these details are.

'''Chris:''' Anyway, I'm still, like, uh, I would need like, you know, external influence, you know, somebody outside the house to help me feel more comfortable in moving out.

'''Matthew:''' You could, you know, people are always looking for roommates, you know, just go to any college board, you know, y-sti…

'''Chris:''' Yeah… but still, I mean, that's not…

'''Matthew:''' That's not really an excuse.

'''Chris:''' That's not something I would feel comfortable with, since, uh, I haven't been to college for a few years, you know… I keep between myself…

'''Matthew:''' So, but I mean really, okay, if you can't s-s-if you can't support my daughter, my daughter needs a man, a MAN to support her.

'''Chris:''' I am a man, sir.

===Financial Situation and Crystal the Tard Baby (11:01-18:28)===
'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question.

'''Matthew:''' How serious are you about my daughter? Really. If you aren't even willing to support yourself, you know, like that uh…

'''Chris:''' I am willing, I am able to support myself as well. I'm able to support myself. And I will be able to support your daughter as well.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, then t-then then why aren't you? I mean, where's the money gonna come from?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I do have, I do have a- I do have a- a [[Monthly tugboat|monthly income]]. I get, uh--

'''Matthew:''' Do you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I get it fro- yeah, pretty much- I get it from the government. My family is a little bit in with the government.

'''Matthew:''' S-s-so w-why do you- why do you get welfare? Mi-might I ask? Or, whatever you call it. Um…

'''Chris:''' You can call it, like, you know, a stepping-stone in the right direction of, uh, me movin- me moving out and- and all that, but seriously, though, I am very strong-willed, and I feel like, and I feel that I could, that when- that- I could- I would be able to take care of Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You're avoiding my question. Why are you on, I think it's actually called Social Security. Why do you get it? I mean, I'm a pretty strong Republican, we don't really like that whole welfare thing. We work, and if we can't work, we go join the military. That's what I did.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I understand that. You see, I'm [[Autism|high-functionally autistic]].

'''Matthew:''' Are you now?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was diagnosed with that at a young age, and I was, I still have [''brief disconnection''] just a few years ago.

'''Matthew:''' So, ah… isn't that [[autism]] thing, it's like a, you're not, like, ''retarded'', are you?

'''Chris:''' Ah, I'm sorry, not really, what?

'''Matthew:''' I'm just saying, you know, that's a genetic thing, right? I don't want any, if you're really going to get with my daughter, I don't want 'tard-babies.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, yeah, autism is not genetic.

'''Matthew:''' Ah, I think I read somewhere that it was, actually. I'm pretty sure I did.

'''Chris:''' No, no, it's a myth. That's a myth.

'''Matthew:''' A myth. A myth.

'''Chris:''' Autism is not genetic. You're not gonna have, there would be no retarded grandchildren on your part. I can guar… I can promise you that.

'''Matthew:''' If you say so. If you really say so. I'm looking this stuff up right now. My Kacey, she's in medicine, she knows this stuff, she's an expert.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, like, you know, it might be also…

'''Matthew:''' Actually, hold on, she's right over here. Hey, Kacey, what do you know about autism? Is that genetic?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it's definitely genetic. It usually runs in the mother's line but it can be in the father's as well. But it's usually the mother's. And twins have a much higher chance.

'''Chris:''' [''In a relatively quiet sigh''] Great.

'''Kacey:''' Anything else, Dad?

'''Matthew:''' Ah… no, I think that's good, yeah, you go… What were you doing again?

'''Kacey:''' I need to go finish washing the dishes. I'll be right back, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' I think there's some cake down there, too. Go help yourself or something.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, sweet! Thanks, Dad.

'''Matthew:''' Anyways, where was I? Let's see… if you really want a kid with my Kacey, I think you'd probably be best if you adopted or something. That's a good thing, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, in my case, I would not, I do not, I would not care to adopt. You see, I have a dream, I have my dream, and that dream is to give birth, to have, to share a daughter with my wife-to-be, and her name would be [[Crystal]].

'''Matthew:''' A dream… as in, you were asleep and you saw something?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Plus, in the dream, I had, like, an office job.

'''Matthew:''' An office job. Right.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I don't think, Kacey actually doesn't really like that name. You know, it's kind of a stripper name, CrySTAL, it's kinda like Cristal, that champagne…

'''Chris:''' No, no, no, no, it would not, it would not, it would not be CriSTAL, it would be CrySTULL. Does that make sense?

'''Matthew:''' It's still pretty close.

'''Chris:''' It's fairly, it does sound close, but it's not, you're not, you're just replacing the C-R-Y-S-T-L-E ''(yes, he misspelled that)'', you're replacing the L-E with an A-L.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but even so… you said this all came to you in a dream… dreams, they don't pay the bills. It's just a dream. That's all just from your head. I had a dream once where, you know, I was flying. You don't see me doing that.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah, okay, but I mean, it's like in, yeah. Flying, yeah, you're definitely not going to be able to fly on your own. Sure. But it's like, you know, when you see a dream that's actually reasonable, that you can actually picture yourself doing in the future while you're awake. You know? It's like a career thing. You know, it's like, yeah, you definitely, it's like, you know, when your child, there's a chance you could become a cowboy if you dreamed of being a cowboy. But, you know, that may not be, that may seem kind of far-fetched, if you're living in a place that's not near or in Tetsas, but if you're like, if you dreamed you want, if you want, if you dreamed you wanted to be, to become a teacher, that's more likely, that's more likely possible. You can get the degree and become a teacher.

'''Matthew:''' So? If you want to go do it, be a teacher, go to work in an office, GO WORK IN AN OFFICE! Go apply to an office. Don't dream about it, dreams do nothing for you, they don't pay the bills.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I am taking, I have been, I have been working on that, and I have been taking action on looking for good jobs. Definitely looking in office jobs.

===Prophetic Dreams and Bob Chandler===
'''Matthew:''' You think you have some kind of powers of prophecy? That doesn't seem very, I don't know, to me it doesn't seem very Godly, you know.

'''Chris:''' No, ah, ah, ah, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that I'm a prophet. I'm not saying that. But, you know, it's definitely something that, you know, it's definitely something that I feel that God has promised to me and [[Chris and religion|I believe in God]], I go to [[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church|church]] every Sunday, and like, like in…

'''Matthew:''' That sounds like being a prophet to me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you do, yeah, there are prophets that are mentioned in the Bible.

'''Matthew:''' Yes, but.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not, I, but, I am not saying that I am a prophet. Not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' Son, I go to church every Sunday too, and I've never had any kind of dreams of anything telling me that something is going to happen. God doesn't do that. God doesn't tell you things like that.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you never know, sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, it'll just, it depends on the people, you know? You never know it, but you know, you might actually have gotten a message in a dream that may have actually [''brief interruption''] but you might, you might not have caught on as quickly, or… and I do not mean to insult you, but, ah, yeah, right now, conflicted by, you know, retrospect, you might actually realize that could have been a message from God.

'''Matthew:''' Naaaah… if you think you see the future, that sounds like you're trying to be a prophet. That doesn't really sound religious, that just sounds like some [[Chris and religion#Chris the Shaman|mumbo-jumbo]] to me.

'''Chris:''' I'm not saying that it is the definite future, but that it is a POSSIBLE future. And I am looking-and I am looking to make that happen.

'''Matthew:''' Well, MAKE it happen.

'''Chris:''' I am going to.

'''Matthew:''' Do it. And if it's not a message from God, you should go out, you should do it. Why don't you go- don't wait for it, it sounds like you're just sitting around waiting for it. When did you have this dream, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I pretty much, I pretty much had it when I was between seven and nine years old-

'''Matthew:''' Seven-wh-TWENTY YEARS AGO? Excuse me? And nothing has happened between then and now?

'''Chris:''' ''[floundering]'' I was definitely, like, in my [[Nathanael Greene Elementary School|elementary school years]]…

'''Matthew:''' And you hold onto this dream… I mean, you're almost thirty, you're, you know… time is gonna start working against you, you know? I mean, life is short.

'''Chris:''' Yes, it is.

'''Matthew:''' And you're living with your parents. I mean, what do you do all day, exactly?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I get creative by uh, I like to [[CWC - Hand Drawn Original|draw and color]]. And uh, sometimes I like to create with my hands, you know, I [[Medallions of Fail|sculpt]]. And, uh even as far as, you know, just tinkering with, anything I like tinkering with. I even have-I am even [[I Pimp My Ride.MOV|technologically smart]]. I even took a [[computer]] upgrading class where I put together a computer, a personal computer, from scratch.

'''Matthew:''' So… why aren't you working building computers or something? It sounds like something you could do.

'''Chris:''' [''ignoring this fairly good point''] Hm, yeah, it is. Hm. Well I pretty much did get started on the techno-savvy, I would say, from my father. He's a retired technical engineer, he worked for GE for a number of years, he also, uh, was in the, well he was stationed over in Korea in the Signal Corps. He-he designed the controls for the plastic auto machines for his other achievements. So without him we would not have the plastic for, at the very least, your soda bottles.

'''Matthew:''' That's all fine and good, I mean, your father… but I'm not talking about your father, I'm talking about you.

'''Chris:''' I'm just pointing it out as hinting at my technological influence.

'''Matthew:''' But… you haven't done anything, unlike your father. That's what I'm getting here. That's not good, son. I mean, when I was 27 I already had a wife and kids, I was working 40 hours a week.

'''Chris:''' Hmm… umm… yes, well, my father didn't marry-my father did not marry the first time till he was 30 himself.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah but you know, he probably also had a job and was living on his own, and he was also in the military, like me. So I don't really care about what your father did, because that's what he did, that's not what you did.

'''Chris:''' I understand-I understand th-I understand what you're talk-I understand… talking about… and, you know, and your point.

'''Matthew:''' Right.

'''Chris:''' I mean, I make a, I am trying to make a valid point myself. I feel like that, you know, we both are definitely understanding each other.

===Kacey's Boobs and Fame===
'''Matthew:''' Really? I must say, I'm not really impressed, but, uh, let's move on. Let's talk a little bit about what you think about my lovely daughter. What was the first thing you liked or noticed about Kacey?

'''Chris:''' I noticed her beautiful face.

'''Matthew:''' Her beautiful face.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. And her blue-green eyes are like a pair of swimming pools that I would just like to swim around and bathe myself in.

'''Matthew:''' ''[extremely uncomfortable laughter]'' So the first thing you noticed was her appearance.

'''Chris:''' [''Interrupting''] But also I definitely like to take note over time, over talking to her, one day that she was very smart and very fun to hang around with, and she definitely knows what she's talking about. If anything [''laughs''] she could be a little bit sm- she could be smarter than me [[Ego|on some things]].

'''Matthew:''' But still, the first thing that, uh, you noticed, was her appearance. So, were you looking for like a trophy wife or something? It's kind of funny…

'''Chris:''' [''stuttering''] The first thing I noticed about her in person, when we talked first, you know, between phone calls and e-mails, after kind of an indirect meeting there, but anyway. I actually learned first that she was smart and very delightful to talk to. And then after a while, she and I met in person, and then I got to appreciate her face. And the-the smart, charming wit behind it.

'''Matthew:''' This doesn't really add up to what Kacey told me, you know. The impressions I got from what she said about your first little… "encounter," we'll call it… she said she was a little bit… uncomfortable around you, you know? And apparently when you first talked to her, you actually were [[Kacey Phone Call|pretending to be somebody else]], actually. You know, that [[Liquid Chris|other Chris]].

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well he was, that was another thing. Yeah. All right, yeah.

'''Matthew:''' She didn't like that much.

'''Chris:''' My friend [[Kim]], she helped me, uh, get into that Chris's e-mail account. Before I ever learned about Kacey-

'''Matthew:''' You know, that Chris was her boyfriend at the time, you know? I mean, I've actually talked to that guy and met him in person, he's actually a pretty nice kid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but if you watch his [[YouTube]] videos he does get a little crazy. But anyway for the past few months now… he was, you know, he was pretending to be me, and a few months ago, he pretends, or I'm assuming he pretends, that he gets kidnapped and tied up, and sent to the desert. And then Kacey tells me that cops ''[incomprehensible]'' in the desert, but I'm going off track here-

'''Matthew:''' That just doesn't make any sense to me. Why would he pretend to be you? Someone like you, guy who lives with his parents.

'''Chris:''' Okay. Okay, first off, I'm Internet famous for being the original creator of the, uh… it's like a combination of [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] and Pikachu [''Kacey's Dad groans''], so I was the original creator of [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]], the Electric Hedgehog Pokémon. And I created him on March 17, [[2000]], and I drew the [[comic]] books… I originally started that back in 2000, and I've drawn a few books and I'm still doing some drawing, I don't like to leave an unfinished project finished. But-

'''Matthew:''' [''Has been trying to interrupt for the last 30 seconds''] Okay, so… you know, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about? I barely know what Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokémon is other than it's kids' stuff. So basically what I'm getting here is you took two kids' things and put them together, you know, two [[Chris and copyright|copyrighted]] kids' things…

'''Chris:''' But it's making up a whole new character, and my father has the knowledge with the [[copyrights]] and whatnot, and he verifies for me that I have been in the clear the whole time, from the beginning, to uh, to continue on with Sonichu being m-Sonichu and Rosechu being my original creation. And I create the original stories and everything, and the books, and I've done the [[CWCipedia]], which was originally on the CWC Sonichu site speaking of which, CWC is my name, Christian Weston Chandler. Anyway, I've been going on with that since 2000, uh-

'''Matthew:''' Which means you were 18 when you made this. You were what, a senior in high school? You were playing with kids' stuff? And that's what you've been doing for… what, you know, since then? You're 27 years old? You're playing with kids' stuff? I mean, like, little kids' stuff. I mean, like, ten-year-olds.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, it may sound like that, but in a sense, it was definitely a fad that I was, uh, enjoying, and, uh-

'''Matthew:''' But fads, they come and go.

'''Chris:''' -until when I had to like, uh, which was just a year and a half ago, I had to let that go, and I let that go a year and a half ago. But anyway, getting back to, uh…

'''Matthew:''' You said it was popular, still. But you're not making any money off it. You're just doing this while you sit around in your parents' house for no real reason, because like I said, you're not making any money off this, and you still wanna be a boyfriend.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, but, it is a thing I’m doing to make money off of, I could be, it is a thing that I am working on starting to make money off of, I am in talks with the com- comic book company, as well as Nintendo of America, about, uh, you know, about possibly, about the likelihood of me being able to, uh, of, uh, us getting together… making money off of this, cuz, obviously, since 2000 it became more and more popular on the, uh, Internet, and I became Internet famous and, uh, along with a bunch of the fans like that, I was, ah…

'''Matthew:''' Don’t you… don’t you need permission from both [[SEGA]], and [[Nintendo]]? I mean, is that, Sonic is from Sega, right? I mean, I know a little bit about what my daughter was… my little daughter used to talk about… I kinda know what a Sega is, I think.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I have talked to Sega as well, but anyway, getting back to, anyway, getting back to, if I may finish… yeah. Anyway, yeah, I got Internet famous, I got the fans, and then I got the naysayers which were the Internet bullies and trolls… and, uh… and uh, that Chris, and uh, Chris over there, was uh, he was one of them, and uh before, and this is, uh before I met Kacey he uh, he started pretending to be me, on the, in YouTube videos. And, uh…

'''Matthew:''' This… okay, I’m sorry, this is just getting completely ridiculous, all this Internet, I mean you just, all this Internet stuff, I don’t, I don’t know much about computers, but I mean, that’s just… this sounds like just a whole waste of time, that I don’t care about, because it doesn’t pay the bills, and it DOES NOT help support Ka- my Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I- I- I understand that.

===The Shit Hits the Fan===
'''Matthew:''' I mean, I was in the MILITARY. I was DOING something. I fought in Desert STORM. I fought against Saddam HUSSEIN.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… okay… you fought in Desert Storm, you fought against Saddam… that’s all good, that’s very good. That’s honorable. That is honorable.

'''Matthew:''' But… and then what- and then YOU, you made this… Son-ni-chu thing. I mean… it’s like… ah, this is, something’s, something’s not right here, you know? But, but, but since you did bring up Youtube, I got, I got kind of an interesting little thing… that I noticed, in one of your recent videos, heh. I mean, I don’t know what exactly you were thinking, with this, um… you know, you did [[Twin Falling Towers|that video with the, ah… 9/11]]. I can’t say I really enjoyed that too much. I mean… that kinda hits… that kinda hits close to home to me, you know, I mean…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I, yeah, I realize, I realize that now, and I have received the complaints so, yeah that’s why I have… I put that…

'''Matthew:'''You’re lucky I don’t… you’re lucky I don’t have a Youtube, son. I mean, my… I mean, that hits close to home to me. My MOTHER, Kacey’s grandmother… y’know, she DIED on 9/11.

'''Chris:''' I, um… I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, and I, uh, I mean, it’s like, I did not mean to hit that, hit that fragile emotion, ah, it was originally, ah, a thing, against a longer, worser- worser Internet [[troll]], who goes by the name of [[Clyde Cash]], whose alias is Gregg Mays, and…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that’s just a whole nother story, right there. Anyway, I had…

'''Matthew:''' You made a video, basically, just trying to, trying to mess with some… GUY… on the Internet… that makes fun of one of the greatest American tragedies of our lifetime- no, THE Amer- greatest American tragedy of our lifetime.

'''Chris:''' Mm… yes, but, yeah but this guy, uh, he’s done a lot, he’s done a lot of things against me, yeah, on the Internet, trying to… you know… y-yeah, trying to destroy my good name with, uh, a whole bunch of twisted tru- told a whole bunch of twisted truths and phrases, and, words, and, I- that I have said, he just twist them around to- in evil ways and just, like some, and just, try- he’s one of those that just- and trying to slander my good name… And, uh, worse off, and worse off, and worse off, and worse off…

'''Matthew:''' Okay, let me ask you… let me ask you something. Where were you, on 9/11? I mean, they say everybody remembers where they were on 9/11 when they heard that those towers were going down, when a plane had hit those towers, and THOUSANDS of people DIED.

'''Chris:''' Yeah… I do remember where I was on, uh, 9/11, yeah, I was a, I had just, uh, I was just, uh, let go, from uh, my job at, uh, Wendy’s, it was uh, for, there was some differences between me and my employer, you know, I… [''trails off with a faint groan''] Yeah, but anyway,

'''Matthew:''' Would you like to know where Kacey was? Would you like to know where Kacey was?

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, okay, well, if I may finish, if I may finish, yeah, I was-

'''Matthew:''' No. No, I’m sorry. No, no, Kacey was AT Ground Zero. She was giving BLOOD, and plasma, volunteering, and where were you again?

'''Chris:''' [''Pause''] Hm. Yeah, I was out shopping with my mom that day.

'''Matthew:''' …Uh-huh. Really. That’s…

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' …That’s wonderful. Wait a minute, you said Wendy’s before. That… are you changing stories on me? H-have you been, like, changing stories on me through this entire call?

'''Chris:''' No, no I'm not changing-

'''Matthew:''' Are you just making shit up now?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not changing stories, this is the same story, I had just gotten fired from the Wendy's and I was feeling down, and I, I was feeling down…

'''Matthew:''' You'd been FIRED from Wendy's.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I was, yeah, let go. I was let go from Wendy's, and I was sad, I was sad about that, you know, they gave me…

'''Matthew:''' WHY?

'''Chris:''' I told you! It was, it was because of, uh, emotional differences.

'''Matthew:''' Emotional differences.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, my, my, my employer, my…

'''Matthew:''' That's… this is absolutely nothing, that just sounds like a bunch of bullsheeit.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Also sounds a little GAY. [''Chris stammers, splutters, and sighs in the background''] I mean, what, did the fry cook break up with you or something? I mean, come on.

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] No! It was nothing, it was nothing like that! It was a misunderstanding, something…

'''Matthew:''' Why do you [[sigh]] so much? That's just irritating.

'''Chris:''' That was, that was, that was misunderstanding, that was just, there was a whole bunch of misunderstandings between me and my employer, and he, and he has, and he had, and he had, and he had a spike on his shoulder against me. And, and, and, and then, and then that was why he, and then that was why he eventually fired me…

'''Matthew:''' [''has been trying to interrupt Chris's stammering for a while''] WHAT KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Like I, like I did, like I did some things that he thought were bad but were, that he thought were bad but were actually good. And then he let, and then he, and then he let me, and then he let me go based on that. Anyway, yeah, I, anyway, this was a couple of days before 9/11 and I was still feeling down from being let go, and then, on 9/11 I was out shopping with my mother that day.

===Maturity and Chores===
'''Matthew:''' Good god, I mean, you sound like you're just, you sound like you're just some simpering little… your voice is all wavery… good lord. You want to date… YOU? You want to date my daughter? You're not even giving me an ounce of respect now.

'''Chris:''' Oh come, oh come, oh come on, I grew up a lot, I grew up a lot since then! [''rapidly loses coherence''] I've grown, I've grown up a lot, in sounds, in sounds, duetothegirl, and, sounds strite, sound, in sound mind.

'''Matthew:''' Goddamn. This just sounds like a bunch of fucking whining. You're not even, you don't even sound like half the man that other Chris sounds like at this point. You don't sound like you've grown up. You play fucking Pokeymon all the time!

'''Chris:''' [''Chris's dander is up.''] I am, I am, I am a grown-up ''sir''! I have moved, I have [[Pokéwalker of Fail|moved on]] from Pokémon [[June 2010|years ago]]! I am a grown-up! I have moved on from the childish things.

'''Matthew:''' No, you didn't move from… you went from Pokémon to Sonichu. What the fuck? This is still just kid shit. You don't have a job. You're still living with your parents. Almost 30 years old. This is ridiculous. You want to date my daughter. You realize that she's LEAGUES above you right now. She's out of your reach.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting a word in edgewise after many stammers''] I have, I have, I have suffered through my own, through my own trials and tribulations that would be war-like. I have suffered through a whole bunch of… enduring physical pains as well. You just could not, you just could not imagine…

'''Matthew:''' [''laughing''] Physical pain! [''more laughter''] God, this is…

'''Chris:''' I have, I have worked myself to the bone a lot!

'''Matthew:''' This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' And I have, I have felt heartaches, and I have felt like…

'''Matthew:''' You don't know what physical pain feels like…

'''Chris:''' I have felt like I couldn't move on. But then, but then I still move on.

'''Matthew:''' …until you have taken a bullet in the fucking chest. I'm lucky to be alive. My comrade, one of my good buddies, he wasn't so lucky. He died right next to me. I carried him back…

'''Chris:''' [''humbled''] Yeah, well, well, yeah, that is, that was, that was very heroic and I commend you for that good sir.

'''Matthew:''' Sure. Yeah. I'm sure. You don't need to commend me. Now you're just kissing ass.

'''Chris:''' No! I am not just, I am not kissing ass!

'''Matthew:''' Okay. Well then. Alright. So really, okay… I have one more question, what do you have to offer my daughter, really? After I've heard all this, what exactly do you have to offer a future med student? She had a good fiancé, and now you think you can take her?

'''Chris:''' Yes I could, because I could offer, I can, I can offer her… a whole bunch of support that, that, that, that Chris could not offer. Like I am, I am, I am [[Honest Content|HONEST]]…

'''Matthew:''' Really? He's going to be published! He has a job lined up!

'''Chris:''' Like, I am honest, I am loyal, I am STRONG… good natured…

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, but this guy spoke several languages, he had connections in the comic-book industry, this guy could get a job right out of college, and you're mooching off the government, off of ''MY'' tax money! And you want to date my daughter. These two had so much in common, Kacey and Chris. She loved everything about him. And you? You just sit around, play with toys, and what, video games? Is that what you buy with your welfare money? Like Pokeyman shit?

'''Chris:''' I have not played with Pokémon [[Pokéwalker of Fail|for years]], sir!

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what do you play with?

'''Chris:''' Hmph.

'''Matthew:''' You denied Pokeyman, but you didn't deny video games.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yeah, I, okay, I have, I have, I have played some Gui-, I have played some [[Guitar Hero]].

'''Matthew:''' Guitar Hero.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' What the hell is that?

'''Chris:''' I have to stand, I have to stand up to play, I have to stand up and play gitar.

'''Matthew:''' You have to stand up to play ''guitar''! Oh, wow! That's… why don't you… that's just pathetic. You think that's exercise? Do you play a real guitar? I think the real Chris could play a real guitar.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] I work, I work hard for my father in his, in his gar-, in his gar-, in his garden! I pulled weeds! Those weeds are very hard to pull!

'''Matthew:''' Pulled weeds? My grandma pulled weeds! My grandma had arthritis and she pulled weeds every day!

'''Chris:''' [''short sigh''] Well, I'm sorry to hear that your grandma had ar-, had arthritis. But I, but I, I am, I am very strong sir. And I tell you, it was very hard and torturing work to pull, to pull, to, I was working under the hot hot sun, it was, those were very hot days!

'''Matthew:''' And you still look like a, I dunno, you look pretty fat to me. I mean, my Kacey, Kacey exercises. And she lost weight, she looks, you know, she looks wonderful. And you? I mean, do you even know… what is the hot sun? I've been in the Middle East. You don't know hot until you've been out in the fuckin' shit.

'''Chris:''' Okay, yes, okay, yes, I will agree with you that I cannot, I cannot understand heat, truly understand heat, until I'm truly in the middle of a desert. But still, it was, those were very hot days. And I pulled those weeds. And I even, I even, I even placed lumber around the edges of that garden, and I hammered labels of those flowers, and my, that my, that my father hand-wrote accurately, and figured, and, pat out the, and he showed me where to place them, I even helped him a little bit with placing them. And I placed, I hammered those labels hard into those pieces of lumber.

'''Matthew:''' That's, that just sounds like basic chores. Lumber, pulling weeds, on a good day I had to do 200 push-ups. And I saw [[30 Push-Ups|those push-ups]] you did, whatever you call them. Push-ups? That's not push-ups. That was, I dunno, you looked like you were flopping around like a… fish. Actually kinda looked like you were humping the floor or something.

'''Chris:''' [''unfazed''] I even mowed the lawn!

'''Matthew:''' Mowed the lawn! [''laughs''] Wow.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, and again, those were very hot days, too. And sometimes the lawnmower would quit on me! And I'd have to practically kick-start it, with my foot, I had to kick it to start it up again!

'''Matthew:''' You know, I see seven-year-olds who mow lawns all day for a summer job. All day. All summer. They do it just, they handle it just fine, why can't you? Oh, yeah, and they get paid for it, might I add.

'''Chris:''' [''Getting very angry at this point''] Yeah, well, I was not, well, I was not paid for mowing the lawn. And also, you know what? Another heavy-duty burden I had to take care of, and that I wasn't paid for? When [[Patti Chandler|my dog]] died, a few years ago, she was a sweet dog, I moved, I lifted and carried her doghouse to the site where we buried her. Her doghouse. That thing had to weigh, like, five, ten tons.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief'']

'''Chris:''' It was very heavy! I carried that thing.

===Death and Fake Internet Women===
'''Matthew:''' [''about to break down laughing''] You're talking to me about how your dog died, you're talking about someone who has lost friends and family in national tragedies. My mother, I had… I had to deal with the loss of my mother, not to old age, but to… fucking… a plane by fucking… piloted by terrorists. My gran-, my mother was killed by terrorists.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. Yeah, my…

'''Matthew:''' And your… but, but your heavy burden is your dog died. I'm sorry, but boo, really, I've had dogs die, it sucks, but that's nothing… that's nothing…

'''Chris:''' Y'know, yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah, well, I was very sad when she died. It was not a matter of age, it was pretty much, yeah, she was very sickly, there was nothing we could do, so I, I signed that form to give them permission to put her to sleep. I let her, I let her go, that was an emotional burden on me. And I have, I have been, my aunt Corrina died just a few months, just a few months, just last January, because of, because of heart cancer.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] Are you, are you…

'''Chris:''' It was very, it was very saddening, I was very…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sorry, are you messing with me? Are you trying to compare the loss of my mother, the loss of someone who took care of me for years, to a dog? [[IRC_(20_January_2009)|Are you calling my mother a dog]]?

'''Chris:''' I am not calling your mother a dog.

'''Matthew:''' [''[[stress sigh]] of his own''] I had to dig my mother out of the rubble of the Twin Towers. I mean, and you had to lift a doghouse.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'll tell you, that doghouse was heavier than any tombstone. And that doghouse pretty much was the tombstone!

'''Matthew:''' Sounds like you're fucking with me now.

'''Chris:''' I am not! I am being very HONEST with you sir! I'm telling you the honest truth from my, from my sound mind and my sound heart.

'''Matthew:''' I'm starting to, I'm starting to really kinda doubt this whole honesty thing you keep talking about. How do you think, how do you think Kacey would feel if I told her about this? What do you think, how do you think she would feel about you comparing this whole lifting a 30-, 50-pound doghouse to maybe a 100-, 200-pound tombstone? That doghouse was probably, what, made of wood? This is solid rock!

'''Chris:''' No, it was, it was, no, I mean, yeah, this is, it was wood ''and'' plastic, that thing had to weigh over a hundred pounds!

'''Matthew:''' Plastic's pretty light, you know. I'm sorry, this is, this isn't even close to the same.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' And that's just, that's just that… you know, if you had told this to Kacey, she would probably be, she would be so angry. You're just totally grasping at [[The Oversized Drinking Straw of Fail|straws]] at this point.

'''Chris:''' [''mutters under his breath''] Yeah, well, also I've been to a whole bunch of this, also, to go off talk, off-topic a bit, or going back to an old topic, that I have been DECEIVED BY THE TROLLS! A bunch of them pretending to be women who I thought were honest over the Internet when I was talking to them for the first time for a while!

'''Matthew:''' WHO GIVES A SHIT about the Internet?

'''Chris:''' And some, and some of them, and some of them were actually, and some of them were actually two honest women…

'''Matthew:''' BE A MAN…

'''Chris:''' And those [[PandaHalo|two]] [[Ivy|women]] died! I was very, I was very heartbroken by that! And yet I was even more heartbroken when I found out that…

'''Matthew:''' YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!

'''Chris:''' I, I… I may not admit, okay, well, yes…

'''Matthew:''' Wait, wait, didn't you say, fake women? Did you say that these women were fake? So wait, these women were probably fake… fake women died?

'''Chris:''' [''in a state of great consternation''] I didn't, I didn't… no! I'm talking about, no, two of them, a coup-, a few of them were real women.

'''Matthew:''' And how many of these women have you gone through?

'''Chris:''' I have not been able to go to them. But one, there was this [[Julie|one time]] where I actually thought it was a woman, and [[Ohio_trip|I actually drove a whole, a whole, a whole day's worth]] back and forth, almost 24 hours, from my house to Cleveland, Ohio, where it turned out that was, that was, that was a bad lead. I drove a whole, I drove a whole, almost 20, I drove from five in the morning to 12 o'clock, to about, just after about, after midnight. To find out that the destination was a bad one, and that was, that was an imposterous troll.

'''Matthew:''' So you went to go to… Ohio, for a fake woman, but my Kacey just told me that you won't go and visit her, a real woman?

'''Chris:''' I, I, I, I… [''angry, incoherent stammering'']

'''Matthew:''' I am looking at Kacey right ''now''.

'''Chris:''' But you're in…

'''Matthew:''' You wouldn't even go to D.C., that's like two hours away. And you've met her before, for God's sake?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I mean, I was more naïve, I was more naïve back then, but I am very less naïve now. I have been very less naïve for about, for about a year now.

'''Matthew:''' I am not convinced.

'''Chris:''' [''snapping''] OH COME ON. YOU SHOULD BE CONVINCED!

===More Shit Hits the Fan===
'''Matthew:''' [''Laughing with frustration''] "Oh come on"? You know who, you know who you're talking to, son? What the fuck is this? Now you're just talking back to me like a little kid. Don't yell at me, you maggot! Piece of shit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, yeah, you, you're obviously talking to me like, as if I was a child. And I am not a child.

'''Matthew:''' Because you are a child, you're acting like a child.

'''Chris:''' I am not a child, I am a MAN. [[I AM STRONG|I am a STRONG MAN]]. I have been through a whole bunch of emotional and physical traumas in my life!

'''Matthew:''' You haven't proven a thing to me, you've shown me nothing that could even possibly suggest that you are a man.

'''Chris:''' Well, sometimes my memory fails me!

'''Matthew:''' You're just sitting around in your parents' house, crying about your little dog, playing video games, whining about women on the Internet. Some lazy little maggot…

'''Chris:''' [''Full-blown tard rage erupts''] I AM NOT, I AM NOT LAZY!

'''Matthew:''' You're living with your parents and you don't have a job, how is that not lazy?!

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe I, maybe I don't have a job, but I do work around the house! I lift a whole bunch of…

'''Matthew:''' Chores! I do those every day, and I'm retired!

'''Chris:''' They're not just chores! They're not just chores.

'''Matthew:''' Yes-they-are! EVERYONE works around the house.

'''Chris:''' Maybe everyone works around the house, but they don't, they differ from burden to burden to… [''stress sigh'']… heavy weights! I mean…

'''Matthew:''' I've seen, you know, I was looking around that YouTube, I saw [[Tour of Chris's House|a video of your house]]. It's a FUCKING MESS! You call that working around the house? Are you trying to be, and you're trying to be some kind of house-husband or something?

'''Chris:''' Well, most of that mess belongs to my mother and I can't really, I can't really organize it without her being able to help me, without her being able to point out where to put everything!

'''Matthew:''' Oh, it's your mom's fault. That's real mature.

'''Chris:''' She's a, well, okay, yeah, I admit, she's a bit of a pack rat. And since she retired from secretarial work, she's been more lazy, I'll admit that.

'''Matthew:''' But your room is a mess, too. What do you have to say about that? I mean, this is nothing. At this rate…

'''Chris:''' [''On the edge of tears''] It may be nothing, it may be, it may be nothing…

'''Matthew:''' You're a pack rat too.

'''Chris:''' I am not a, I am not that bad of a pack rat. I mean, I even brought, I even brought a bunch, I even brought practically all that stuff into the house. And I had to bring in a couch and I had to bring in the hutch, among other pieces of furniture, among the smaller pieces of stuff, smaller bunches of junk that my mom got! That's a lot, that's a lot of heavy lifting. And it was very hard.

'''Matthew:''' Who doesn't have to push furniture? All this stuff you're talking about, these heavy burdens sound like stuff everybody has to do at least at some point. This is nothing, this is just regular, everyday housework. This isn't real work. This is chores.

'''Chris:''' I… oh! And you don't think…!

'''Matthew:''' This is kids' stuff.

'''Chris:''' Oh, and you don't think [[Chris and Remorse|carrying your soldier friend on your back was a heavy burden]]… That was a heavy burden!

'''Matthew:''' What… what the fu… are you mocking me?!

'''Chris:''' I am not mocking you!

'''Matthew:''' Is this… are you comparing…

'''Chris:''' I'm just, I'm just pointing out, I'm just pointing out that what you did was a heavy burden under…

'''Matthew:''' I don't know even know what to say to this!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, that is, yeah, that is a heavy burden because you were fighting to save, you were fighting to save your friend's life…

===Kacey Returns===
'''Matthew:''' Kacey, c'mon, come over here. You gotta listen to this guy. This is great.

'''Kacey:''' Oh, what's up, daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What is… I mean… this guy is just fucking with me…

'''Kacey:''' Daddy, you sound mad, what's wrong?

'''Matthew:''' This guy's just fucking with me, he's not even, he's not even respecting me at all. He's a disrespectful…

'''Kacey:''' What, he's disrespecting you? What is he doing?

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, he's just talking about all this faggot kiddie shit. How he has to move chairs and do, oh no, housework! And he's comparing that to when your grandma died.

'''Kacey:''' He's WHAT?

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. I mean, he's talking about all these "heavy burdens" he's had to face, you know, saying it's a heavy burden, kind of like… of course, you remember when we lost grandma…

'''Kacey:''' Oh my God, I know, I had to volunteer just to get my mind off it…

'''Matthew:''' This guy has nothing to offer you.

'''Chris:''' [''combative''] I have a lot to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' I have plenty to offer her!

'''Matthew:''' Like what?!

'''Kacey:''' Don't yell at my father like that! You need to respect him, he's a retired Marine!

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I do respect your father, Kacey.

'''Kacey:''' Well, you need to be nice to him! What are you going to do if he doesn't like you?

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I mean, I want, I was being nice to him, but then he started to insult me, he was talking down to me like as if I was a child, when I'm an adult.

'''Matthew:''' I already don't like…

'''Kacey:''' Chris! He's way older than you! He's your elder! To him, you are a child! I'm a child to him!

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, I guess in compar-, I guess in comparison, yeah, that is true. But I just don't like being talked, I just feel, I just basically, just turns me off when I'm talked down to and such. I mean, I have to put up with my father talking down to me and such, and he starts more arguments than there are flies in the garbage dump!

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but my father doesn't get angry easily.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' You can't act like a child like that! He is your elder! You're trying to ask him PERMISSION.

'''Chris:''' Yeah…

'''Kacey:''' What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Well… yeah…

'''Kacey:''' Apologize!

'''Chris:''' Yeah… [''heavy sigh''] Yeah. [''more sighing''] I apologize, Matthew. I apologize for talking back to you. I just got, I got, I got carried away. Especially from feeling like I was being talked down to. Mm… I mean, surely, yeah, you can understand that, I'm sure your father talked down to you, you, even when you were about my age. And I do not mean to insult you or your father, I just felt like it was a fair compar-, I just felt like it was a good comparison there, but anyway. I apologize for yelling at you, and raising my voice.

'''Matthew:''' I don't even know how you think you can call me by my name right now.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe a goddamn word you just said. I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry, actually.

'''Chris:''' Well… believe it or not, it is the whole, honest truth, that I have been telling you this whole time.

'''Matthew:''' Honest. [''snort''] If that's the truth, I'm afraid to say you're pretty fucked. You're just using people from the Internet as scapegoats for your problems. And you were lying when you first met Kacey. That's what I've gotten about this. You… are not good enough for my daughter. Chris, on the other hand, has my blessing.

'''Chris:''' [''massive stress sigh'']

===Literature and Health===
'''Matthew:''' And if the Internet is such a problem for you, I mean, just get rid of it. What do you have to do? Just call up whoever it is, AOL, whatever it is you use, just call 'em and say "I don't want the Internet anymore." That's all you have to do. You don't need it for anything. Go to a library!

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a bunch… yeah, well, I have a bunch of ties on the Internet and for your information I do go to libraries. I read a lot of books.

'''Matthew:''' Really? What was the last book you read?

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Mockingbird}}The last book I read… was ''[[Wikipedia:To Kill a Mockingbird|To Kill a Mockingbird]]''.

'''Matthew:''' That's high-school shit.

'''Chris:''' You call this high-school, I call it adult, I call it…

'''Matthew:''' Kacey read that in high school, Kacey read that as a freshman in high school.

'''Chris:''' I call it adult drama.

'''Matthew:''' An adult drama.

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It was very dramatic, and I felt for the characters in that, in that story, just like I feel for every character, all the characters in the stor-, in the stories that I have read, throughout my whole life.

'''Matthew:''' So what exactly did you learn from this book?

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] I… have… learned… that I have to be able to cope and be patient with, with a, with everybody who makes, a whole lot of people that may appear to be impatient or that could be hard to put up with. Like George had to put up with Lennie throughout the story. I mean, I'd say that's…

'''Matthew:''' That's ''[[Wikipedia:Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Men]]''.

'''Chris:''' Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my stories mixed up. Yeah. Yeah. ''To Kill a Mockingbird''. Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' Yeeeaaaaah… did you even read this book?

'''Chris:''' Yes I did! The dramatic story, the story about that girl who was living with her family throughout the Depression and there was that guy in the store who was nice enough to leave her gifts in the tree trunk. That was like, that was definitely a story of, like, definitely, you know, be kind to your neighbor and they'll, and they'll, and they'll be kind to you. That's still another kind of, another, it's another story where you have to learn to be patient…

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like the American classic that I know. I'm sorry. This is… just sounds like a bunch of horseshit. Do you remember the court scene?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, the what?

'''Matthew:''' The court scene in the book? That was pretty big, it was a pretty major part of the book. Do you even remember who [[Wikipedia:Atticus Finch|Atticus Finch]] was? That was probably the pivotal moment of the book.

'''Chris:''' Atticus… hm… Atticus… hm, I do believe that was the lawyer in that story.

'''Matthew:''' Yesss… man, you call yourself smart? You aren't smart enough for Kacey. When did you read this?

'''Chris:''' I… I've read it, about a month ago.

'''Matthew:''' A month ago.

'''Chris:''' Yeah.

'''Matthew:''' You know, I think the last book Kacey read was last week. And she reads books like you probably stuff candy down your throat.

'''Chris:''' [''Rage button pushed''] Stuff… candy… don't… I stuff vegetables down my throat! I stuff green beans! I stuff broccoli! I stuff corn! I stuff carrots!

'''Matthew:''' Wooooowww! [''laughs''] What the fuck are you talking about? I mean, I don't even know what the hell…

'''Chris:''' I eat and drink healthy.

'''Matthew:''' And you look like that. You don't even know what I just said, do you? You completely missed that I was, that little analogy back there.

'''Chris:''' No, no, I…

'''Matthew:''' Kacey says you eat [[McDonald's]]. You say you eat healthy, but you eat at McDonald's?

'''Chris:''' I have a, I have salads over at McDonald's. And I drink the lemonade over there.

'''Matthew:''' That lemonade is full of sugar. You know, [[Liquid|Chris]] is, Chris is fit, I've seen that man, he has rock-hard abs. That guy makes a Marine proud. And he can cook, he doesn't go to McDonald's because he doesn't need to.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can cook too! And sometimes I do cook!

'''Matthew:''' You know, he and Kacey like to go running together. Why don't you go running with Kacey, rather than sitting around eating fast food all day?

'''Chris:''' I do go out, I do go out for jogs, sir. I do go out jogging. And if Kacey was here I would be happy to go jogging with her. Or even running, I'd be happy to do that as well.

'''Matthew:''' You think you could do five miles like Kacey and Chris do? Five miles?

'''Chris:''' Yep!

'''Matthew:''' That's a brisk jog.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I could do five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Someone who looks like you can run five miles? I'm sorry, that's bullshit.

'''Chris:''' You're…[''angry sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' You look like you couldn't even do five seconds running. In fact, I was watching, I was watching those push-ups, you got winded after… that was thirty seconds of push-ups and you were sweating like a pig.

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] Well, wouldn't you sweat?

'''Matthew:''' I don't… with that much…? Fuck, that's nothing.

'''Chris:''' WARRIORS, WARRIORS…

'''Matthew:''' I'm a Marine. Not after… a few push-ups like that? That's nothing. Okay, but… how much and how often do you jog? I sweat maybe… maybe after, I don't know, ten miles on a hot day.

'''Chris:''' I have been jogging for about fifteen minutes on a daily basis.

'''Matthew:''' Fifteen minutes. So you go… you go, what, a quarter of a mile and you call it quits? That's pussy shit. And that's just jogging. Kacey could run, Kacey runs for at least an hour.

'''Chris:''' Well, that's good.

'''Matthew:''' Five miles is like a two-hour jog, you know.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I have a, I have a whole bunch of potential, I can run five miles with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' I would love to see that. I mean, why don't you? You can't… you say you could. You're just saying you have potential. That doesn't sell me. You can't sell me with "potential." Why don't you run five miles, and maybe, maybe I'll think otherwise.

'''Chris:''' It would be hard to video, to video-record five mile running. But I can run five miles, with Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' You can?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

'''Matthew:''' But why with Kacey, though, why can't you just do it on your own? You have a camera, don't you? It wouldn't be so hard to just hold a camera and run, would it? That's easily, easily do-able.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Why don't you just figure out how to do that? You said you're good with computers. I don't know shit about computers and I can do that. I barely even know what a [[Wikipedia:Microsoft Windows|Windows]] is.

'''Chris:''' You barely know what a Windows is?

'''Matthew:''' Don't… [''sputters'']… don't patronize me.

'''Chris:''' I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to understand what you just said, you say you don't understand Windows?

'''Matthew:''' What I'm trying to say is, I don't know shit about computers and I could figure out how to do that. I could figure out how to hold a camera and fuckin' run for five miles. That's… how could you not figure out how to do that?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, think about this, do you think the batteries would be able to last five miles?

'''Matthew:''' Running? Shit. You're running, you're not jogging, it's not gonna take two hours.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, still, yeah, well… yeah, well, I can't…

'''Matthew:''' Besides, think of it as a time limit of some sort, you know? You gotta run fast enough so you can get all of it in before the batteries run out. That would take like… half an hour at most. Batteries last that long.

'''Chris:''' Alright, you want a half hour running? I'll be happy to do a half hour of running with my digital camera.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] Fine. Show me.

'''Chris:''' Alright, I will.

'''Matthew:''' Until then, until then, you are not good enough for Kacey. You are just a maggot.

'''Chris:''' Well. You may call me a maggot, but I'm a pretty dang strong one.

'''Matthew:''' I'm gonna go talk to Kacey, I gotta tell her, you do not deserve Kacey. Kacey lifts more than you, how does that feel? [[Power|The strong man]] outdone by a woman.

'''Chris:''' Well I may not feel pleasant, if that was the case, then I could not say I did not try.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs'']

'''Chris:''' But I…

===Liquid Chris and Minimum Wage Jobs===
'''Matthew:''' While you're at it, you don't, you don't try, if you had tried you would have gotten out of your house, you would have gotten a job, you would have… you would be like [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Chris:''' [''long pause''] Yeah, well, I am much stronger and I am much better than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]].

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' Oh, yes I am!

'''Matthew:''' But why don't you have, you don't have a job! You're not stronger than [[Liquid Chris|Chris]], you're not smarter than Chris.

'''Chris:''' I am stronger and I am smarter than Chris!

'''Matthew:''' You're not living on your own. How can you even say that? And he's younger than you!

'''Chris:''' I say that because it's true.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' You do not think so… you may not think so…

'''Matthew:''' I was so happy, when Kacey said she was going to marry [[Liquid Chris|Chris]]. But then, I don't know, he vanished or something, I don't know what happened…

'''Chris:''' Yeah, that would be the point where he made his video on [[YouTube]] where he pretended he was being kidnapped and then that's where he hid away for a number of, for a few months.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, and that devastated her. You don't know how much she missed him.

'''Chris:''' I do, I do, because she has shared that with me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I would much rather believe him…

'''Chris:''' She has shared that with me and I have comforted the her. I have emotionally supported her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think she… she wasn't nearly that, I don't think she was nearly as happy as when the police finally called her about that. I think you're just trying to get, I think you're just trying to get my little Kacey for a booty call.

'''Chris:''' Believe me sir, it would not just be for a booty call, it would be for a strong relationship with all the loyalty and trust and honesty that a woman can ever want. [''shifts to a momentous tone, half under his breath''] EVER.

 '''Matthew:''' But you can't even move out. She needs a man, a man who can support himself and keep a job. You got fired from [[Wendy's]], most people quit because it sucks. You got FIRED. You weren't GOOD ENOUGH for Wendy's. What are you gonna do, what are you gonna do if she gets pregnant and she can't work?

'''Chris:''' If she gets pregnant and can't work, then I would be working. I would be working VERY HARD AND HEAVILY.

'''Matthew:''' What kind of job?

'''Chris:''' If I have to I would be, get one of the heavyweights, that just moves the boxes around the, stock the shelves at a grocery store. At the least. If not better.

'''Matthew:''' That makes minimum wage at best. That's not a real job. You know how much minimum wage is?

'''Chris:''' At the current rate, it's about $8 an hour.

'''Matthew:''' That's not good enough! Get a good job! You can't live off that! Especially after taxes.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I can get a good job, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' If you want to do lifting, you go work in a warehouse or something. And last I checked, minimum wage was $7.25.

'''Chris:''' [''takes a contemptuous tone''] Huh! You must have checked, no offense, but you must have checked like five years ago. [''In fact, [[Wikipedia:List of U.S. minimum wages|Matt is correct]].'']

'''Matthew:''' And how would you know? You don't have a job!

'''Chris:''' Because it was over five years ago, I was working for that minimum wage, and that was $7.50.

'''Matthew:''' That wasn't minimum wage.

'''Chris:''' Yes it was. And that was back at Wa-Wendy's!

'''Matthew:''' You know you can get paid more at jobs than minimum wage? I just looked it up right now, it says $7.25.

'''Chris:''' Hm. Maybe that's average minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't lie to me. Look…

'''Chris:''' I am not lying to you.

'''Matthew:''' Kacey, come on, Kacey, come over here, listen to this horseshit, ''listen to this horseshit''.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' What's wrong now, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' What's this he's talking about… minimum wage is $7.25, right?

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. It went up in July, I remember because it was around my birthday.

'''Matthew:''' This guy's lying again. Why is it… I'm looking right here on this webpage, that's exactly what it says.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah, it happened on July 24, that was like…

'''Matthew:''' Why does this guy keep lying to me? How do I know that anything he says is true?

'''Chris:''' I stand corrected! I stand corrected. On current minimum wage.

'''Matthew:''' Don't argue with me.

'''Chris:''' Alright.

===Respect and Listening Skills===
'''Kacey:''' Is he being disrespectful again, Daddy?

'''Matthew:''' He's always been… he's been disrespectful this whole time.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh''] I have not been lying!

'''Matthew:''' When Kacey says it, when Kacey says it you believe it now.

'''Kacey:''' I just don't understand.

'''Matthew:''' I don't understand either.

'''Chris:''' I can't say I'm in full understanding either.

'''Kacey:''' That doesn't even make sense. Like, I shouldn't have to pick up the other line and have to hear this. I mean, what are you doing, are you trying to sabotage this?

'''Chris:''' No. Just, throughout, throughout this whole conversation I have been telling the [[True and honest|honest truth]], from memory. As far as I know.

'''Kacey:''' Okay, but this doesn't make sense. Like, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] charmed my dad within five minutes. Why are you still fighting with him? Why are you lying to my father?

'''Chris:''' I have not been lying to your father. I have been telling him the truth throughout my best and honest knowledge. From my heart and from my head.

'''Kacey:''' What are you wanting me to think, that you're dumb or something?

'''Chris:''' I… wh… no. [''pause''] I, I… [''drowned out by Kacey'']

'''Kacey:''' Well, then what's going on?! Why does my dad look so upset? I haven't seem him this upset in a long time.

'''Chris:''' Well, I can't read, I cannot read his mind, so…

'''Kacey:''' Well, no, no-one expects you to, but you could be respectful to him.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, um, I mean, yeah, I was doing my best to be respectful. But then… and then he started, he started…

'''Kacey:''' My Dad is not going to lie to me, and obviously whenever I get on the phone you're calm and everything, so is something going on when I'm not on the phone? Like are you being two-faced?

'''Chris:''' No, I am not being two-faced. I have been one-f-, I have been the one-faced this whole conversation. I swear, hand to [[God]].

'''Kacey:''' You shouldn't do that, we don't swear to God, and my dad wouldn't lie to me.

'''Matthew:''' One-faced side of bullshit.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, he's been contradicting me, and talking to me in a negative way…

'''Kacey:''' Okay, you guys, I'm going to go. Talk nice.

'''Chris:''' I have been, I have been, I was talking nice. And then he started contradicting me with those words, like, yeah, and, uh, hm, and put, and putting me down, like even call, even call, even calling me a pussy, or, among other things. And then that, and then that just… [[Family Guy|grinded my gears]].

'''Matthew:''' You know, Kacey is gone. She's not listening right now. She didn't hear anything you just said.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Portal Turret:''' Target lost.

'''Matthew:''' Stop [[sigh]]ing so much.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm speechless at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Didn't you just hear, she… hear her say she was getting off?

'''Chris:''' Uhh… hear her say she was getting off?

'''Matthew:''' Do you pay attention to anything? Ever? To the words that I am saying?

'''Chris:''' I, I'm, I do pay attention. But I, I did not hear "I'm getting off."

'''Matthew:''' This is… this, do you even listen to her at all? How can you be a good boyfriend? You don't listen to anything.

'''Chris:''' I, I do, I do listen! And I, and ob-, obviously, she must have said it in a quiet tone, because I did not hear it. [''Actually, Chris was talking over her at the time, but never mind.'']

'''Matthew:''' But this is… she was pretty upset. She wasn't that quiet.

'''Chris:''' W… well, I'm sorry she's upset.

'''Matthew:''' And now, what I'm saying right now, is that before you can say you are better than Chris, you need to get a job, you need to move out from your parents, you need to be independent. You need to show me that you're a man. And you… you also have to have the ability to not lie to me. I'm getting all tongue-tied, because… just… you don't know how frustrating this is. I mean, I haven't done that in years.

'''Chris:''' Yes, I agree with you, this is frustrating.

'''Matthew:''' And you are lucky her mother isn't here.

'''Chris:''' And I pro-, and I send… I promise you. I have not been lying.

'''Matthew:''' How is this, how is this frustrating to you? You sound like you just have the easiest life in the world.

'''Chris:''' Because, because, because, because you're, because you're frustrated, and your frustration is reflecting onto me and it's making me feel frustrated. It's making me feel frustrated.

===Chris's Pathetic Life and Diseased Ticker===
'''Matthew:''' You sit around… what are you going to do after this? You're gonna go home, you're gonna go play [[video games]] again or something?

'''Chris:''' No…

'''Matthew:''' Nobody can get you to do anything. Play your [[Pokemon|Pokeymans]], watch [[TV]]. Sleep. Eat [[McDonald's]]. That's, that's your life.

'''Chris:''' That is not my life.

'''Matthew:''' Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' It's a lot, it's a lot more than that. I do a lot more than…

'''Matthew:''' Oh, yeah, I forgot, you do chores, too.

'''Chris:''' See, this, you know, this is why I was talking to Kacey about…

'''Matthew:''' You talk and you get angry at people on the Internet who you've never seen before.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, see, right now you're just… you're just saying some, saying some of the things that sit aside from the good for me, honest, from, aside from the good things, yeah, everything I've said, I have been, I have been very honest about, and you're just taking the bad pieces that can, you're just taking some of that honesty and you're just reflecting it onto me and, you're just making it sound bad. Like it's a bad thing. And that makes me feel bad.

'''Matthew:''' It IS a bad thing. What good qualities do you have that aren't LIES? You started this whole relationship on a lie. My daughter doesn't deserve that. And now you're blaming me for all this that's going on.

'''Matthew:'''/font> Yes, I can! And I will the first chance I get!

font color="#0033FF">'''Chris:'''3FF">'''Chris:''' Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna, could you just, look, okay, well, you did not let me say that…

'''Matthew:''' You just met me.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, okay, well, I'm talking to you over the phone, that is [''dissolves into gibberish momentarily'']…

'''Matthew:''' You don't… it just sounds like you don't want to admit any of your faults. You just…

'''Chris:''' I am, I am happy to admit my faults.

'''Matthew:''' Okay.

'''Chris:''' Yes. Okay, well, for one, sometimes, I don't think things through and I make, end up in the decision I thought was good at first may end up being the bad decision.

'''Matthew:''' O… kay?

'''Chris:''' But yeah, I have been improving on that and thinking things through fully. Making sure that…

'''Matthew:''' Everyone does that, everyone, you know, makes a mistake every now and then. Okay?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well…

'''Matthew:''' Let's start with something easy. Let's tell me… Tell me… How about you admit that you're, well, okay, I'll just say it. [[Obesity|FAT]]. And lazy.

'''Chris:''' {{anchor|Buddha belly}}Okay, well, I admit I do have a Buddha belly, but I am not lazy, I do get out and about, I exercise, I jog and work out, and I eat healthy.

'''Matthew:''' Doesn't show at all. How often do you watch TV? And you said you jog for fifteen minutes. That's… that's not gonna burn calories.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I'm working up to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' Thirty minutes. And compared to… how does this compare to how much TV you watch?

'''Chris:''' For your information, I watch only about four hours of television.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours of television.

'''Chris:''' In a day.

'''Matthew:''' A day. That… I don't think that's true. That just doesn't sound, you kinda paused right there? You sound like you actually had to think about it for a second. I don't think that's true.

'''Chris:''' Well, when I had to count it up, I did have to think about it. But yes, it is true, I watch four hours of television in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Four hours, that's still quite a bit, hasn't Kacey told you anything about how important it is to take care of yourself?

'''Chris:''' Yes, we have, we have talked about that. And I have listened to her about that, and I have been taking the appropriate steps and abiding with her words in mind and heeding her advice as such.

'''Matthew:''' Really… Because she's still pretty worried about you, she says. She think something's gonna happen to you, you know. She thinks it's not looking good. And didn't she, she told me you were on [[Wikipedia:Atorvastatin|Lipitor]]?

'''Chris:''' Hmm.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, I know about that stuff. That's something people my age take. I don't take it myself, but I know people who do.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, for your information, my doctor got me off, took me off Lipitor a couple of months ago.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' I still don't think you… You still don't sound like you're terribly healthy. Okay, watching TV aside, and you play video games, how long do you do that a day, huh? I mean, with how much you sit around, your metabolism must not be so hot.

'''Chris:''' How long… Do I sit around? I would not say that I sit around that much. I would say…

'''Matthew:''' And play… Okay, how much do you play video games?

'''Chris:''' About two hours in a day.

'''Matthew:''' Two hours a day.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so that's at least six hours you spend sitting around doing absolutely nothing in your room. That's a quarter of a day. In six hours you could have worked a part-time job.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I, but, the time I do not spend in front of the television is the time I spend exercising. That's about half of the day.

'''Matthew:''' You do not spend half of a day exercising. If you spent half a day exercising, you would have at least lost that little [[Wikipedia:Budai|Buddha belly]] and those man-tits of yours.

'''Chris:''' Okay, now I'm feeling insulted with those, with what you just said there.

'''Matthew:''' And you just told me fifteen minutes, so you're lying again.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, maybe, yeah, well, fifteen minutes jogging, upon the pacing of the spacing of the jogging.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so you don't even run fifteen minutes altogether, at one time?

'''Chris:''' It's fifteen, they're, fifteen minutes, they're fifteen-minute intervals, like I do fifteen minutes in one hour, then the next hour I do another fifteen minutes of jogging.

'''Matthew:''' But that doesn't help you at all. All that… That means there's 45 minutes of you doing nothing every hour. By then your heart rate has gone down, the exercise is gonna do nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' My heart rate has been, has been good.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I can guarantee that.

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know what you're talking about?

'''Chris:''' Yes, I do, I am talking…

'''Matthew:''' Do you even know how to check your heart rate?

'''Chris:''' Yes I do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, how?

'''Chris:''' I put my fingers on my pulse, count the number of beats through ten seconds, and then I multiply by six. That's, that's…

'''Matthew:''' Where do you check for your pulse?

'''Chris:''' Put two fingers on my wrist or on my neck. Or put it on my chest where my heart is.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what's a good heart rate for you?

'''Chris:''' About seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Seventy-two beats per minute.

'''Chris:''' To about a hundred beats per minute.

'''Matthew:''' Uh-huh. So what's your heart rate right now?

'''Chris:''' Alright… [''long silence''] Alright, let me find that… yeah. It's approximately, it is approximately eighty-four right now.

'''Matthew:''' Eighty-four from just sitting around?

'''Kacey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I've been listening. Chris, that's a serious medical condition. What are you talking about? Normally your heart doesn't beat that fast unless you've done exercise.

'''Chris:''' Hm.

'''Kacey:''' That's like [[Wikipedia:arrhythmia|arrhythmia]] or [[Wikipedia:tachycardia|tachycardia]]. What are you doing?

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, right, you know, well, I did get a little bit of [[stress]] from some of the conversation.

'''Kacey:''' Stress doesn't do that. That's like a serious medical condition. And I heard you talk to my dad, you don't listen to anything I say when I worry about you. You still go to [[McDonald's]], and I told you those salads aren't healthy. I bet you haven't even lost one pound. Don't you care that I think you're gonna die? [''Chris stammers briefly in response''] That you're probably going to lose motion in your body if you don't exercise enough? This is important to me!

'''Chris:''' Yeah. It is.

'''Kacey:''' What're you going to do? You're gonna die before you're thirty.

'''Chris:''' [''pause''] Hm. [''pause, then sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' Hmph.

'''Kacey:''' If anything, that means you have way too much caffeine in your system. If you have something that high. That's either, you can get that from smoking, from too much fat, from too much caffeine…

'''Chris:''' Hm. Yeah.

'''Kacey:''' [''Her voice breaks, on the verge of crying.''] It's like you don't even care! Dad was right, you are being disrespectful!

'''Chris:''' [''Attempting to sound empathetic''] Kacey, I do care. [''sigh''] Even though, even though it may not, even though it may shot 'n I've shot, I do care. Believe me.

'''Kacey:''' Yeah. Because it's that hard for you to stop going to McDonald's. But you've still been going. Right?

'''Chris:''' I have been going less.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like I didn't… Less is not none! Fast food is bad! Period at the end!

'''Chris:''' [''On the defensive''] Yeah, but that was like once a week! Once in a week!

'''Kacey:''' Once a week is bad! Don't eat any! None!

'''Chris:''' Alright, I won't go there anymore. I won't go [[McDonald's]] anymore.

'''Kacey:''' Or any fast food!

'''Chris:''' Alright. I will not go to any fast food, I…

'''Kacey:''' Whatever. It's not like you haven't lied to me before. You're just probably lying to me now. Dad, I can't deal with this anymore…

'''Chris:''' I'M NOT LYING TO YOU! I promise you! I promise you! I promise you, Kacey. I promise you.

'''Matthew:''' She's gone again.

'''Chris:''' [''stress sigh'']

===Chris Blows It, but He's an American!===
'''Matthew:''' She was pretty, ah… let's say you just blew it, man. She was— She was crying right there. You just fuckin' blew it. Big-time.

'''Chris:''' [''deep sigh'']

'''Matthew:''' I just heard the door slam. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and calls Chris.

'''Chris:''' Hmph. Well…

'''Matthew:''' What do you have to say for yourself? [''Long silence ensues'']

'''Chris:''' Well, all I can say is… that's your opinion, and you have every right to your own opinion.

'''Matthew:''' It's not my opinion. It just happened. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about facts.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, you're talking about— Yes, you are talking about facts, but you have expressed a whole bunch of your own opinions about what you've heard from me the whole conversation.

'''Matthew:''' And that's all you have to say about the fact that you just upset my daughter? What are you…

'''Chris:''' That's my response— That's my response about you, but as for Kacey, you know, I just feel— I just feel very sad for her.

'''Matthew:''' I don't care what you have to say about me. This is about— You should care about Kacey, not me! You have to do something big.

'''Chris:''' I care about Kacey. I really, truly do.

'''Matthew:''' Okay. But if you want my opinion right now, I think you should stay away from my daughter. Unless you really, ''really'' turn around your life. You're not even close to Chris right now. You have to do something big to get her back. You have to get a job, at the very least. Lose, I dunno, fifty pounds. Move out. Then I might consider you, ''maybe''.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' And you have to keep your promises, because she says you never do.

'''Chris:''' I do keep my promises.

'''Matthew:''' And I think she should be with her [[Liquid Chris|real fiancé]] right now. [''Long silence''] I mean, he treats her like a princess. You treat her like… a set of tits and ass.

'''Chris:''' No, I treat her like a princess as well. I treat her, more importantly… as a friend… a true friend, a good friend…

'''Matthew:''' That doesn't sound like it at all.

'''Chris:''' You don't know. I mean…

'''Matthew:''' I do know, because she talks to me.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well… points of view.

'''Matthew:''' I can't even stand your voice. So whiny, all this sighing, it's like a baby. You'll never be as good as Chris at this rate.

'''Chris:''' I am a lot better than Chris. [[Autism|Belieeeeeeeeve me.]]

'''Matthew:''' You're not even a functioning human. You're leeching off my government.

'''Chris:''' I have a functioning image…

'''Matthew:''' I met Chris in real life, he's an upstanding young man. How are you better than this?

'''Chris:''' I… am an [[United_States_of_America|''American'']]! I am proud to be an American and [[I_AM_STRONG|I am ''strong'']]. I am an individual…

[''Portal'' can again be heard faintly in the background]

'''Matthew:''' Don't tell— Don't tell me you're an American.

[''Portal'' can again be heard]

'''Chris:''' I was born in America, I was raised in America my whole life, I never left the United States of America.

'''Matthew:''' You can't tell me you're patriotic… if you were patriotic, you wouldn't even have thought about making that video, that [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11 video]]. I still can't believe why you made that. It doesn't matter. You don't… do that! You're not acting like a patriot, you're acting more like a terrorist.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry I gave off that impression. At least I— At least I was man enough to admit I was wrong and I am. I did my best to undo the mistake by deleting my video and making the apology.

'''Matthew:''' You know, Chris and Kacey are Americans, too. And "sorry" doesn't undo the fact that you made that video.

===Love and Memories===
'''Chris:''' It may not, but at least I admitted I was wrong. And it takes a man to admit when he is wrong.

'''Matthew:''' And you still made it. You… you're not a man. Stop trying to call yourself a man. I mean, it takes a real man to change, and you haven't.

'''Chris:''' I do change my habits. I have been changing my habits. And I have been better from the habits I have changed.

'''Matthew:''' That's a lie. You haven't done shit.

'''Chris:''' I… I have done a lot more than you can, than you are thinking right now. Or that you could ever think at this moment.

'''Matthew:''' You said you stopped at a McDonald's, and you didn't… That's such a simple little thing, and you still lied about it. You can't stop eating fast food. What makes you think you can turn around and get a job and stop leeching off the government? And stop lying to Kacey?

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] Because… I am me, I have faith in me, and I am strong within myself.

'''Matthew:''' I bet you don't even love Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey!

'''Matthew:''' I bet if Kacey left you right now, right this very moment, you would… [[CWC is Sad|you'd probably cry]], for maybe just a couple seconds, then you'd go out and find another girl on the Internet.

'''Chris:''' [[The Wallflower|No!]]

'''Matthew:''' Wouldn't you? And even if you do love Kacey, you don't love Kacey nearly as much as Chris loves Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I do love Kacey, truly and deeply. And I care about her, about that much, probably more.

'''Matthew:''' And so does Chris, and he can prove it, so why don't you? You can't even stop eating McDonald's for her.

'''Chris:''' [''pauses''] I can so prove it, and I will.

'''Matthew:''' God. You know, he knows her favorite color, and her favorite flower. I'm sure you don't.

'''Chris:''' Her favorite color is "tarquoise".

'''Matthew:''' Turquoise? That's… that's wrong.

'''Chris:''' It's a blue-green shade. ''[Chris is correct here, at least. On his [http://pastebin.com/8FxWDZq6 creepy date] with Kacey, she said her favorite color was [[Wikipedia:Teal (color)|teal]].]''

'''Matthew:''' Okay, favorite flower.

'''Chris:''' [''sigh''] I cannot say that I, I cannot say that I remember her favorite flower at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' Aha. Really.

'''Chris:''' It could have been maybe because she did not mention her favorite flower yet. But she did tell me her favorite color. It was a shade, it was a blue-green shade. So turquoise is ''close''.

'''Matthew:''' Can you remember anything? Okay, I bet you don't even remember some of the stuff I just said today. You probably don't even remember who in my family dies in 9/11, do you? I just said that, what, half an hour ago?

'''Chris:''' You, you said that your daughter, that your daughter was giving blood in New York, right by the 9/11 site.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, but who DIED, who of my family died in 9/11?

'''Chris:''' The grandma.

'''Matthew:''' My grandma?

'''Chris:''' Her grandmother.

'''Matthew:''' Who is?

'''Chris:''' You did not mention her name.

'''Matthew:''' No… [''exasperated sigh'']… no, okay, her grandmother, who is ''my''…?

'''Chris:''' Your mother.

'''Matthew:''' How long did that just take you? Good boy! God, this is just like talking to a preschooler.

===Crossing the Naïve Line (1:46:21-1:52:41)===
'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, talking to a what?

'''Matthew:''' A preschooler. God. This is… Man. You can't have Kacey, with this kind of, this is just ridiculous. I can't believe I'm talking to someone who's so… [[naïve]].

'''Chris:''' [''angry intake of breath''] You just crossed a line. You just crossed a line. By saying the word "naïve." That is like the worst insult to me…

'''Matthew:''' What line?

'''Chris:''' 'A line'… you crossed the line. You've just… you just really ticked me off right there when you said that.

'''Matthew:''' What're you gonna do about it?

'''Chris:''' Nothing at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' "Nothing at the moment?"

'''Chris:''' Because I can't really do anything, I'm not right there in front of you, now, am I? I'm talking to you over the phone. The only thing I could do right now is let you know that you just crossed a line. By saying that word.

'''Matthew:''' Are you… wait, wait, wait a minute, are you trying to [[Death threats|threaten]] me? You trying to threaten an ex-Marine?

'''Chris:''' No, I… no, I am not threatening you, I am not threatening you. I am in no position to threaten an ex-Marine. And I understand that, and I respect you as such.

'''Matthew:''' Okay, so what are you saying? I could whoop your naïve little ass with my pinky if I wanted to. Kacey could whoop your ass! I'm surprised she hasn't already.

'''Chris:''' Well. I would be able to defend myself.

'''Matthew:''' So you would hit Kacey?

'''Chris:''' No, I would not hit Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Have you ever defended yourself?

'''Chris:''' I have defended myself.

'''Matthew:''' [''exhales in disbelief''] I'm sure that was something to see. Have you… I mean, I'm sure, I can see what would just happen. She'd probably try to throw a punch and you'd just bounce her off with your Buddha belly. Or so you call it.

'''Chris:''' I would either step to one side or block it with an arm!

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs''] That little limp-wristed twig of yours? You're pretty big, but you've got some pretty scrawny arms. And you're a pretty big target, she'd be… pretty hard to miss you. I've seen her punches.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think you'd be able to react fast enough.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, you have not seen how I can, how fast I can react.

'''Matthew:''' You can't even react fast enough to what I'm saying.

'''Chris:''' Because I'd like to spell-check, and make sure I'm not making any mistakes. Make sure that my mind and my mouth are in sync.

'''Matthew:''' Making… mistakes…?

'''Chris:''' My mouth does not go faster than my mind.

'''Matthew:''' What are you even…?

'''Chris:''' That's another, that is another one of my flaws, I am willing to admit. Sometimes my mouth goes faster than my brain.

'''Matthew:''' Well, I bet that's not the [[Slow-in-the-minds|only thing that goes faster than your brain]]. Are you trying to say you're some kind of computer or something? But this is, you're getting completely off the point. So tell me why, exactly, you aren't naïve? Why is this crossing the line so much?

'''Chris:''' Because it's insulting my intelligence.

'''Matthew:''' What line did I cross exactly?

'''Chris:''' And I do not appreciate that. You made me feel… [[Chris and anger|anger]].

'''Matthew:''' Because you haven't proven your intelligence to me.

'''Chris:''' Well, just like a computer, my brain is random. It picks up memories at random. I cannot simply access them sometimes, even though most of the time I can. But sometimes I can't, and they later come back to me at random.

'''Matthew:''' Okay… here's how intelligent you really are, and that's because being naïve has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence.

'''Chris:''' Look it up in the dictionary.

'''Matthew:''' I have looked it up in the dictionary. It has nothing to do with intelli… What are you talking about? What dictionary are you looking in?

'''Chris:''' Webster's.

'''Matthew:''' Webster's. You know, I'm sure, if you think naïve has to do with… I'm sure your "[[autism]]" is just some sort of blanket term for "retarded" for you. Isn't it?

'''Chris:''' I'll admit I have had some slow-minded moments. But I am certainly not ''totally'' retarded.

'''Matthew:''' No. I'm looking at my dictionary, you know what "naïve" means? It means "inexperienced." Not "unintelligent." I shouldn't be calling you naïve, I should just be calling you a dumbass. But you are naïve as well.

===Experience and Respect===
'''Chris:''' I've got a lot more experience than you could imagine.

'''Matthew:''' [''chuckles'']

'''Chris:''' I have had twenty-seven years of experience.

'''Matthew:''' With what? Eating [[McDonald's]] and watching [[TV]]? Son, [[Liquid Chris|Chris]] is younger than you, and he has had far more experiences than you have. And I've had fifty-two years of experience.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, how about being pinned down by three teachers, a guidance counselor, and an elementary school… prinstapull… and having your screams and cries recorded on audiotape like a torture chamber?

'''Matthew:''' The hell are you talking about?

'''Chris:''' And have, I was pretty much in that situation there in, back in the fourth grade. They were scared of, scared of…

'''Matthew:''' What did you do, some kind of temper tantrum?

'''Chris:''' No, they were scared of me. They did not understand autism.

'''Matthew:''' So, what, you just had some kind of retard panic attack and they didn't know what to do?

'''Chris:''' I… it was not a retard! No… It was not! They just hated me because they don't, they did not understand people with autism. And so they tortured me as such. I even ended up with a rash on my neck from that thing, among other things! And we had to fight the school system, they wanted to put me in a [[Nathanael_Greene_Elementary_School#The_.22institution.22|mental institution]]! But that was not…

'''Matthew:''' Because you NEED HELP. That's probably where you belong! And you call the other, you call Chris crazy… This is ridiculous.

'''Chris:''' I do not belong in a mental… If I had gone to a mental institution, I would not have graduated high school or gotten my certificate and degree in [[CADD|Computer-Aided Drafting and Design]]. I've moved up from what you would consider a retarded state of mind.

'''Matthew:''' I know retards with college degrees. They probably felt sorry for you. They probably just kinda let you through, that's probably what happened.

'''Chris:''' [''angry stress sigh, or perhaps spluttering with rage'']

'''Matthew:''' You know schools do that. And those other, I call them retards, but really, they're pretty good people. They actually did something with their degrees, believe it or not. People with Down's syndrome have done more than you. And that degree has done nothing for you.

'''Chris:''' It has done a lot, it has done a lot for me. It's given me the whole bunch of computer experience and potential that I have. And I will get an office job, and I will move out of this house, and I will run five miles!

'''Matthew:''' But you haven't done any of that. If you're gonna say it, then do it.

'''Chris:''' I would not be saying it if I was not going to do it. That is a promise.

'''Matthew:''' You better do it before Kacey runs back to a real man.

'''Chris:''' Okay then.

'''Matthew:''' Because I'm thinking that's going to happen pretty soon here. 27 years and you haven't changed.

'''Chris:''' Well, she did, she and I did not meet twenty-seven years ago, she and I met a few months ago.

'''Matthew:''' And you… and you haven't, she wasn't alive twenty-seven years ago. That doesn't even make any sense.

'''Chris:''' Well, what you said there a moment ago equally did not make much sense either. That was like you were implying, like as if she actually knew me my whole twenty-seven years.

'''Matthew:''' This is insulting to my intelligence, talking to you. You've shown me nothing but disrespect.

'''Chris:''' I have, I have…

'''Matthew:''' I'm sure you show Kacey hardly any more respect than you show me. I've been trying to open your eyes here.

'''Chris:''' I have shown you respect from the lot, for a while during the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' This is the kind of respect you show me, I would hate to see the kind of respect you show Kacey.

'''Chris:''' I show Kacey a lot of respect.

'''Matthew:''' You probably don't even respect her as a person…

'''Chris:''' I do res… I do respect her as a person!

===Chris is Creepy and Bad at Dating===
'''Matthew:''' You know, her sister said you kept trying to touch her when you met her.

'''Chris:''' Because I was nervous at the time!

'''Matthew:''' You were NERVOUS? What the hell kind of response is that? You're nervous, so you try to touch, so you try to touch a girl? What the hell? That's… that's… that's just sick! That's my daughter, you're trying to touch a girl, you're trying to touch my daughter because you're nervous? Most people try to avoid touching people when they're nervous. Gah, I can't believe I just heard that, I should come and [[Kick the Autistic|kick your ass right now]]!

'''Chris:''' I only touched her shoulder! I thought it was a friend gesture!

'''Matthew:''' Her shoulder? You know, that didn't… I heard otherwise, I'm sorry.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'm sorry too.

'''Matthew:''' Did you try to kiss her?

'''Chris:''' No!

'''Matthew:''' Bullshit. She told her sister about what you did. I know. Are you telling me that Kacey lied?

'''Chris:''' I am not saying that. I am not saying that.

'''Matthew:''' You trying to tell me that… I heard you did all kinds of other weird shit. You tried to sniff her or something?

'''Chris:''' She was sharing her perfumes with me.

'''Matthew:''' I don't think so.

'''Chris:''' She wanted my, she wanted my opinion on which perfume smelled better.

'''Matthew:''' She gave it to you, she said she gave it to you in the bottle first. You could have just opened the bottle and sniffed, you didn't have to sniff ''her'' to do it. That's a little creepy.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, she wanted the perfume, she wanted me to give an honest opinion about… on her.

'''Matthew:''' You did it in front of her and her friend. Have you ever done this before? Is this something you do when you meet girls?

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, could you, could you, ah, repeat that?

'''Matthew:''' Have you… have you ever done this before, to another girl?

'''Chris:''' Mm… Yeah, well, we've been talking about the sniffing thing. I just want to make sure I understand what we're talking about here.

'''Matthew:''' Yes… anything, any of this creepy… shit. This touching, this kissing, that I've been told you try to do.

'''Chris:''' Well… first off I can definitely, honestly say that I have not kissed a girl yet…

'''Matthew:''' TRIED.

'''Chris:''' [[Emily#Kiss_fail|Or even tried to]].

'''Matthew:''' ''Really''?

'''Chris:''' Truly.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah, I don't believe, I don't believe a word of that. How many dates have you even been on?

'''Chris:''' In my lifetime? [[Two's company snapshots|Only one]].

'''Matthew:''' Only one.

'''Chris:''' And this was a few months ago. Before I met Kacey.

'''Matthew:''' Before you met Kacey.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' And how did that turn out? How did she act towards you? What did she think of you?

'''Chris:''' It turned out that girl just wasn't all that into me.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, Kacey met you around August, that was a couple of months ago. So how far along was this?

'''Chris:''' That one date was back in, was last June.

'''Matthew:''' And now why exactly do you think she wasn't interested in you?

'''Chris:''' I don't know. I am not a mind-reader.

'''Matthew:''' So you can't think of a single reason why she might not have been interested in you?

'''Chris:''' Yeah. I can honestly say that I cannot.

'''Matthew:''' You can't think of… I can think of a couple reasons right off the bat, why a girl would not have been into you. I don't even need to think about it. I mean… I mean, you can't even take them on a real date.

'''Chris:''' I took her on a real date. I took her to [[Wikipedia:Applebee's|Applebee's]], and I paid for her, for what she ate and what she drank there.

'''Matthew:''' You paid for her. And how much was that?

'''Chris:''' That was about $10.

'''Matthew:''' $10.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's… $10 for dinner. Are you sure you just didn't go to McDonald's again?

'''Chris:''' [''indignant''] No, this was APPLEBEE'S. And Kim was there, she could the same, she could tell you the same thing.

'''Matthew:''' So where would you take Kacey? She's a pretty high-class girl. I'm sure you probably didn't even tip.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry, I did not understand the second half of that sentence, after you said "Kacey is a high-class girl."

'''Matthew:''' I said you probably didn't even tip. So where exactly are you going to take Kacey?

'''Chris:''' Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, I did tip.

'''Matthew:''' You even know how much you're supposed to tip.

'''Chris:''' About 15% or 20%.

'''Matthew:''' So how much did you tip, then, if you paid $10?

'''Chris:''' I tipped a buck fifty.

'''Matthew:''' Really.

'''Chris:''' Yes.

'''Matthew:''' That's still pretty cheap. You know, Kacey probably wouldn't like that if you tipped her that much. You know she's a waitress, right? Tips are pretty important to waitresses.

'''Chris:''' Yep, I understand that, tips are important. But still, 15% of $10 is a dollar fifty.

'''Matthew:''' That's true. Okay, so how much would you tip if you paid, say, $80 for dinner? Which is very possible, if you go to the kind of places Kacey likes to go.

'''Chris:''' Hm… let's see… That would be about $12.

'''Matthew:''' So you would pay just $12, you wouldn't go up to, like, you wouldn't even just toss them a twenty or something? Can you even do math?

'''Chris:''' Well, I cannot say that my family is of the high-class, hoity-toity, rich type, type of people. We are on average income.

'''Matthew:''' You could at least… They're not rich either. They still left a twenty.

'''Chris:''' Well… good for them.

'''Matthew:''' You're not even on an income. Income would be, like, you actually have a job. Man, Chris treats her so much better than you, shows her so much more respect.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, I give you respect throughout the beginning of the conversation.

'''Matthew:''' You've given me nothing.

'''Chris:''' And then, and then, I started to feel insulted, from being, from being talked down about, about the things I've talked about. And that she told you, like about the McDonald's and the video games and that sort of thing, when I am so much better than that.

'''Matthew:''' And I have not seen any of this, because it probably doesn't exist.

'''Chris:''' It does exist.

'''Matthew:''' I mean, telling the truth isn't, it's not made of Pokeymans and all that.

'''Chris:''' It is not.

'''Matthew:''' And how are you better than all this? You're doing exactly, you're doing just that, talking about stupid fucking Pokeymans and shit. That's all I'm really getting about you. You do nothing but exactly what you've said.

'''Chris:''' Okay, well, what can you…

'''Matthew:''' You need to be better. Not say you could be better.

'''Chris:''' At least I am HONEST when I say I could be better. At least I don't go around lying, pretending that I am an astronaut.

'''Matthew:''' [''laughs in disbelief''] You're not. You're not being honest.

'''Chris:''' No, I have been honest. Otherwise I would have said that I was an astronaut, but that would be lying. And I have not been lying this conversation.

'''Matthew:''' Would have been a pretty bad lie, too.

'''Chris:''' I know, but that's just an example off the top of my head at the moment.

'''Matthew:''' You don't even have the eyes to be an astronaut, I mean, c'mon. You don't have the weight. You especially don't have the weight.

===What Are You Gonna Do Now?===
'''Chris:''' [''Long silence''] Well… I'll just say that this has been a most experiencing conversation, and I wish you a pleasant evening. Take care, Mr. Devoria, and stay safe. And please give my most fondest regards to Kacey as well. I love her and I care about her very much.

'''Matthew:''' Don't you hang up on me. When did I say that this conversation was over?

'''Chris:''' Well. You could say the insult, I'm getting tired of insults, I feel like I need to go, I feel like I need to go take a shower, and get ready to sleep. We are in the same time zone, it's ten after two right now.

'''Matthew:''' Actually, you know, that's fine, you can go whine and weasel your way out of this. You don't even deserve my daughter. What are you gonna do after this, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you going to get up, sleep, you're going to get up and play video games again. That's… that's…

'''Chris:''' I am not, I will not be that way, I am going to get up and I'm going to be finding a job in the office. And I am going to be jogging for fifteen to thirty minutes.

'''Matthew:''' I don't believe… You know what Kacey's gonna do? She's gonna go to school, and she's gonna call Chris back. That's what she's gonna do.

'''Chris:''' [''Snide and superior''] Well, that's what you think she's gonna do. You do not control her.

'''Matthew:''' And you know why she's gonna do that? It's because she, because he's the one she wants. You know that song that she made for Chris? She made it for him. Not you. You know that song, that [[My Half of A Whole New World for Kacey|"Whole New World,"]] from that Disney movie? She made that for him.

'''Chris:''' No, she told me she made that for me.

'''Matthew:''' Oh, no she didn't.

'''Chris:''' Oh yes she did!

'''Matthew:''' I think I know my daughter a little better than you do.

'''Chris:''' Well, I'll have to check with her on that.

'''Matthew:''' He even sang it for her! I mean, what really made you think it was for you?

'''Chris:''' Because she told me so herself!

'''Matthew:''' She told ME that she made it for him. Unless you're saying she's lying.

'''Chris:''' I'm not, I am not saying she's lying, because…

'''Matthew:''' And I saw that video. You didn't even know the lyrics to that song. You had to look it up. I could see the paper in your hand. And you had to sing over the words, you didn't even get the karaoke version or something. How could you possibly have known the lyrics?

'''Chris:''' I have watched the [[Wikipedia:Aladdin (film)|''Aladdin'']] movie a whole number of times. I would say greater than ten times. In my lifetime. At this point.

'''Matthew:''' And you know how I know that was made for him, and not you? Because that song was their song. They know it by HEART. And that has always been their song.

'''Chris:''' Okay.

'''Matthew:''' You know they were going to sing it to each other at their wedding?

'''Chris:''' [''More silence''] I see.

'''Matthew:''' Well, this, this is really… this has really been enlightening. Learning about just how unworthy a person can be for my daughter. How much of a… I have to congratulate you, though, because you totally did a great job at getting Kacey and Chris back together. [''pause'']

'''Kacey:''' [''bursting in''] Seriously, Chris, how could you?!

'''Matthew:''' [''cracks the fuck up'']

'''Kacey:''' You've been so insulting to my father, and everything…di, uh… Chris would never have done this! Maybe I did make a wrong decision! [''stutters''] I don't think I can do this.

'''Chris:''' [''heavy sigh'']

'''Kacey:''' Maybe I was thinking of him all along, maybe I just displaced things. Just, I can't believe you would do this. You--yo--I was crying, and all you did was argue with my father. You didn't even care enough to check on me, or see if you could talk to me, Chris would never have done that. Chris would have demanded to talk to me right away and he would have calmed me down. [''pause''] And I mean, obviously you misunderstood me.

'''Chris:''' I guess… maybe I… did.

'''Kacey:''' You know what? I don't want you. I don't want this, I don't need this right now. I have so much going on with finals and everything, and this is the way you're going to act? Yeah. My father's right. You're going to have to do something HUGE. I mean, you can't even work on the comic you promised me, you made me a stupid ''[[LittleBigPlanet]]'' thing. Where the hell's the comic, Chris? You know what? You probably still won't make it. So, you know what? I-I can't do this. You need to totally reform your life. [''pause''] I mean, Chris would have come by. He would have driven the 2 hours just to comfort me once he heard I was crying.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, well, if I knew where you were I would have driven 2 hours as well. But I did not know…

'''Kacey:''' You know you won't! You always want me to come to you. It's stupid.

'''Chris:''' Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean… yeah, I would have asked, I mean, I did ask you for your address, but then… and I did ask you for your phone number.

'''Kacey:''' And I told you that you can't get it until you get my parents to trust you because you know they're overprotective! And you think this is the way you do it?! I bet you're not even gonna finish the comic! You can't even finish it tonight. Or anything. You can't do anything.

'''Chris:''' I can so.

'''Kacey:''' Well, obviously you're not motivated enough, because you haven't done anything like that. Like, you've promised me a song a long time ago, never got it. Chris has written me, like, 3 songs. You promised me tons of things, you never keep your promises. You just sit around playing video games, you made a stupid ''LittleBigPlanet'' thing for me. I mean, come on. All I wanted was the damn comic, all I wanted was you just to pay attention. You don't even pick up the phone anymore because of the trolls, because of the stress! I can't do this. I want a real man. [''long pause''] And thi--you can't even say anything. Dad, I think you're totally right.

'''Matthew:''' Yeah. Don't tell him where we live, I don't want my name and number, I don't want him to know my name and number.

'''Kacey:''' See?! Look what you done, Chris. Look what you've done! [''pause'']

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry.

'''Kacey:''' It's not like you're gonna do anything to make up for it. So you know what? I don't even care. Dad, you can do whatever, that's--thi--that's all he can say, I'm done.

'''Matthew:''' I don't know, I don't think I want to get in trouble…

'''Kacey:''' He's not, Chris, screw this.

'''Matthew:''' I don't want to get in trouble for beating the shit out of this faggot anyway.

'''Kacey:''' [''long pause''] I'm gonna go, this is too much for me. You can finish this off, Dad.

'''Chris:''' I'm sorry. [''typing and long pause''] I would like to say… good evening.

'''Matthew:''' [''long pause''] Ssssso... what are you gonna do now?

[''Tape runs out'']

{{succession|label=[[Kacey_calls|Kacey Phone Calls]]|prevlink=[[Kacey Call 24]]|nextlink=[[Kacey and Liquid Call]]}}

==External links==
*[https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6mRSOBYFcaBNloweEFQOElEdjA/edit?usp=sharing Link to MP3 on Google Drive]
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?ddn91nknqahn87a mp3 of phone call]
*Audio ripped & combined from YouTube vids in [http://db.tt/vNbYguZ0 OGG] or [http://db.tt/akLWEieq MP3]
*Listen to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhp5WyvPWNI the call on YouTube]

{{FanChats}}

[[Category:Phone calls]]
[[Category: Liquid Saga]]

Hanna

2017-08-08T00:38:48Z

Yellow:

[[Image:Hanna.jpg|right|thumb|150px|The original troll and our hero.]]
[[File:StarbucksCville2015.jpg|thumb|300px|The Starbucks in [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|Fashion Square Mall]], as it appeared in April 2015.]]
'''Hanna''' (later [[retconned]] as ''Fandanna'') is an IRL [[trolls|troll]] notable for smashing [[Chris]]'s [[heart level|heart]] down to 15%. To add insult to injury, this was right after the Heart Level jumped from 20% to 100%. Little is known about Hanna except that she works (or worked) at the [[Wikipedia:Starbucks|Starbucks]] Coffee in [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|Fashion Square Mall]] and likes [[Homos|Chuck Paladuck]] [''sic''], director [''sic''] of ''Fight Club''.<ref>His name is [[wikipedia:Chuck Palahniuk|Chuck Palahniuk]], and he wrote the novel that inspired the movie, which was directed by [[wikipedia:David Fincher|David Fincher]]. But Chris will be Chris.</ref> Hanna, realising that this joke was going on for too long, eventually told him that [[Trolls|the date was a joke]] and that she wasn't interested in being with a [[Obese|fat]], [[Hair|balding]], [[Autism|autistic]] manchild. As a result, Chris let out a loud, anguished "[[Virgin with rage|NOOOOOOO]]" in his last conversation with her, which got him [[List of places that have banned Chris|banned]] from the mall.<ref>[[Vivitheg's AIM chat#ban|Vivitheg's AIM chat]]</ref>

Chris's run-in with Hanna was memorably recounted in [[Sub-Episode 2]]: Christian Chandler in "The Rise & Fall of My Heart". She has not been seen again, either in the comic or in real life.

==Chris's Explanation of the Real Life Meeting==

{{quote|One day in March, 2005, I now go to [[Fashion Square Mall|Fashion Square]], on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, with my Nintendo DS, GBAVideos, GBAJukebox, my [[Scrapbook of Fail|Sonichu Scrapbook]], and I've brought up some courage to start saying "Hello" to the girls I find very pretty, and possibly [[Boyfriend-free girl|Boyfriend-Free]].

Earlier this week, a girl, who shall remain nameless in this story, finally noticed and approached me. I was hoping for a moment like this. And she asked me to have a beverage with her and talk about things. I was very ESTATIC ''[sic]'', and my SHATTERED Heart had a speedy recovery back to 100%; We had a nice "Mini-Date," [[Creepy stare|I maintained Eye-Contact]], I was very attentive, and I took notes about her. I thought she was very pretty, I enjoyed her charming wit, and I found her to be a very nice and lovely girl. But, later on, as I was figuring out steps for future dates, I learned from a couple of [[gal pal|Gal-Pals]], that I have previously made at the Shopping Center, that my new girlfriend was not serious; she was setting me up for a prank. I could not believe it at first, so I found and asked her myself. Unfortunately it was true. I was shocked, and my heart was re-shattered down to being 15% intact.|Chris, from his [[MySpace]] page}}

==Footnotes==
<references/>

==Sources==
*[[Vivitheg's AIM chat#ban|Vivitheg's AIM chat]]
*[[Jackie e-mails part 2#ban|Jackie e-mails part 2]]
*[[CWC's Diary#March_2005|CWC's Diary]]

{{People}}
{{Sweethearts}}

[[Category:Trolls]]

Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles

2017-08-03T20:36:04Z

Yellow:

{{Honest}}
{{Quote|And I HAVE the idea for the Video Game for myself, if I can swing that with SEGA as well, an epic tale of my tragic [[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles|Adult Life]] straight from my tortured [[heart level|heart]] and soul. I will bring the [[CWC Fighter|pain]] to the [[Jerkops]], I will kick [[Mary Lee Walsh]] into her cauldron to burn, as well as the other villians. And I will have support from my [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon|Electric-Hedgehogs]], my [[Barbara|mother]] and [[Bob Chandler|father]], my Closest [[Gal-Pals]] who I've grown to love; [[Megan Schroeder]] and [[Anna McLerran]] to name a couple, sparingly in the game. And I will square-off in the TRULY SELF-EPIC Battle between me, and my [[Naitsirhc|Dark Half]]. I plan to have THIS GAME ALONE go Multi-Console between [[Nintendo Wii]], PlayStation 2 and [[PlayStation 3]] ([[PlayStation 3#PlayStation Network|with downloadable content]]); screw the [[Hex Bawx|HEX-Box]].|From [[An Important Update]].}}
[[File:SchuComic10P97.jpg|thumb|250px|Probably the most unintentionally accurate depiction of how Chris views real adult life]]
[[File:AdultChroniclesAd.jpg|thumb|250px|To encourage a developer to pick up the game, Chris made his own ad to decrease production costs]]

'''''Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles''''' is [[Chris]]'s ill-conceived, [[Chris and his Ego|narcissistic]] [[video game]] idea where one plays as Chris trying to fight [[Jerkops]] to find a true [[sweetheart]] and kill [[Mary Lee Walsh]], with [[Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]] as useless, but determined, sidekicks. There is no available information on the genre or mechanics of the game.

Originally, Chris was determined to see Sonichu made into a game, but based on his interactions during [[Miyamoto Saga]] and in ''[[The Sonichu Chronicles]]'', Chris seems more determined to make his own game where it's all about him and his failure to adjust to adult life.

The game is currently awaiting development beyond the front cover and the advertisement, both of which in themselves break innumerable copyrights. Please note that while he wants the game published for [[Sony|PS2]], [[PS3]], and [[Wii]], it should absolutely never be made for the [[HEXBox]].

== Cover ==
In a bold decision in graphic design, the cover depicts Chris having ''already won'' his battle, staring determinedly out at an empty back yard littered with the broken iconography of his enemies. While most games presumably end in the hero overcoming his obstacles, only daring experiments in literary form (such as [[Wikipedia:Awesome Possum|''Awesome Possum Kicks Doctor Machino's Butt'']], which also sucked, but probably not to this extent) actually establish victory before the start button is pressed.

References made on box art:
*[[4-cent_garbage.com]] symbol underneath CWC's foot.
*The cracked helmet of [[Mary Lee Walsh]].
*[[Merried Seinor Comic]]'s sword arm from [[Sonichu 4#Sub-Episode 4: Christian Chandler in "McAttack"|Sub-Episode 4]].
*The [[Jerkhief]]'s delicious wooden badge, referenced on the cover of [[Sonichu 4|''Sonichu'' #4]]
*The remains of the purple staff containing [[Count Graduon]].
*[[Naitsirhc]]'s blue goggles that he wore before his codpiece-wearing [[homos]]exual makeover .
*The [[Robotnik]] medallion that [[Sonic]] showed [[Sonichu]] in [[Sonichu 1#Episode 5: "Informal Meeting"|Episode 5]].
*Chris's [[Gitar of Fail]] (pointing in the wrong direction compared to the strap across his chest).
*[[Son-Chu|Chris's car]] with a [[Vanity Plate of Fail|Sonichu license plate]].
*Chris is shown wearing the [[Belt Buckle of Fail]].

For a time, the ''Adult Chronicles'' illustration graced a console cover attached to Chris's original [[PS3]]. Chris preserved that cover as a "memento" after [[The MovingFoward videos|destroying the console]], but then transplanted it onto a new (old, big model) PS3 that he got with [[Monthly tugboat|your money]] shortly afterwards.

==[[Shigeru Miyamoto]]'s response to the game==
[[Image:ShigerumiyamotoEmail.jpg|650px|center]]

==(Fanmade) [[Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles (video game)|CWC Adult Chronicles]]==
In [[June 2014]], a demo was released of an actual, fan-made adult chronicles game; which in [[December 2014|December]] was upgraded to its alpha stage. The game itself is still in the making, but needless to say, is quite high quality for a flash [[Parody|parody]]; proving, [[Asperchu|yet again]], that even when purposely making something terrible in response to Chris, it can still turn out good, if not better than the [[Sonichu (comic)|original piece]]. The website, featuring trailers, updates, and of course, the game, can be found [http://maplechan22.wix.com/cwcadultchronicles here].

In [[November 2015]], Chris discovered the fangame's existence. Nevertheless, he [[Doxing Jeff/Francine|was not pleased]].

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:CWConPS3.jpg
Image:CWConPS2.jpg
Image:CWConWii.jpg
Image:CWConHEXBAWX.jpg
Image:Cwc_adult_chronicles_-_ps4.jpg
Image:Cwc adult chronicles - xbone.jpg
</gallery>
</center>
 

==Fan Videos==
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles Gameplay Trailer
| video = {{#ev:youtube|kEYvjaGA2TQ}}
| stardate = 28 August 2012
| maker = CWCAdultChronicles
| Subject =
}}
{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Adult Chronicles 2 teaser 1
| video = {{#ev:youtube|mvZeOnUSfis}}
| Stardate = 30 [[August 2009]]
| Maker = dadatsointsoin
| Subject =
}}

{{Sonichu Games}}

[[Category:Video games created by Chris]]

Cole Smithey

2017-08-01T22:23:30Z

Yellow:

{{Articleofthenow}}
{| class="infobox" style="width: 21em; font-size: 90%;"
|-
! colspan="2" | Chandler Family
|-
| colspan="2" | [[File:Coles.jpg|250px]]
|-
! colspan="2" |Cole Smithey
|-
| '''Birth Name'''
| Joseph Cole Smithey
|-
| '''Nicknames'''
| The Smartest Film Critic in the World Coleslaw
|-
| '''D.O.B.'''
| 24 July [[Pre-1980#1960s|1963]] (age {{Age|1963|7|24}})
|-
| '''Gender'''
| Male
|-
| '''Nationality'''
| [[United States of America|American]]
|-
| '''Race'''
| White
|-
| '''Parents'''
| [[Ran Coleman Yeatts]] (alleged biological father) [[Barbara Chandler]] (mother) [[Jack Dale Smithey]] (father, as claimed by Barb) [[Jerry Harmon]] (stepfather) [[Robert Chandler]] (stepfather)
|-
| '''Marriages'''
| Katherine (2013-present)
|-
| '''Occupation(s)'''
| Film critic, musician
|-
|}

{{quote|Let me know when that fuck [[Bob]] finally drops.|Cole<ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-07-24-3.PNG|24 July 2007 email #3]]</ref>}}
{{quote|I do not regret giving birth to Cole.|[[Barbara Chandler]]<ref>[[:Image:Cole_07-03-06-1.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 1]]</ref>}}

'''Joseph Cole Smithey''' (born 24 July 1963)<ref>''[[:Image:046-ColeCDIn.jpg|A CD For Cole Smithey!]]''</ref> is [[Chris]]'s half-brother, [[Barbara Chandler|Barbara]]'s first son, and lone escapee of the [[14 Branchland Court|Casa De Chandler]]. Despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother, Cole leads a relatively normal life. [[Cole Smithey E-mails|Cole's emails to Chris]] revealed a lot of information about the Chandler family.

==Life==

===Childhood===
[[Image:RanColemanYeatts-WakeForestHowler1961.png|thumb|Cole's [[TRUE and HONEST]] biological father, Ran Coleman Yeatts, from the 1961 Wake Forest yearbook. Notice the physical similarity.]]
[[File:Cole Smithey's family tree.png|thumb|Cole's family tree]]

Cole grew up in Richmond, Virginia, near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Retired life (0:16:59–0:24:22)]]</ref> As a child, Cole claims to have been physically and mentally abused by Barbara and his "stepfather" [[Jerry Harmon]] with punishments such as ass beatings, cold showers, and "bizarre scenarios."<ref name="email">[[:Image:Cole_07-03-06-2.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 2]]</ref>

Barb insisted that Cole's biological father was [[Jack Dale Smithey]], to whom she claimed she was married, but records show she wasn't.<ref name="email" /> Cole believes his biological father to be [[Ran Coleman Yeatts]], who was introduced as a friend of the family and visited when Cole was a child.

Barb married Ran on 17 June 1961. He deserted her at some point afterwards, probably around '62<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/page-5#post-2009970</ref>. She formally divorced him on 15 May 1963. Cole was born two months later.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/</ref>

<center><gallery>
File:1961 6 17 - Barb and Ran marriage license.jpeg|Barb and Ran's marriage license.
File:1963 5 15 - Barb, Ran divorce.jpeg|The divorce.
</gallery></center>

In his article [[Saturday Night Special]], Cole recounts his coming to age. This includes a particular event where Barbara fires a loaded gun at a steel door to ward off a burglar, the resulting ricochet of which almost striking young Cole in the head. These events have obviously had a lasting impression on him.

===Move to California===
Cole left home for California, attended San Diego State University from 1981–84, and earned degrees in Dramatic Art and Music. He also attended Hartnell College and San Francisco City College and took similar classes.<ref>http://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa</ref> While at college, he became the drummer for a Poway, California punk rock band called "The Rockin’ Dogs." The band lasted from 1981–85.<ref>[http://www.sandiegoreader.com/bands/rockin-dogs/ The Rockin' Dogs | San Diego Reader]</ref> By 1994, still in San Francisco, Cole was doing shows as "Cole Blooded," and had apparently shifted to the guitar.

===Present===
{{Squote|As the story goes, human boy Andy (voiced by John Morris) is off to [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|college]], and must finally put away [[Toys|childish things]] — something most boys do before junior high. [[Autism|Talk about arrested development]] — [[Attraction Sign|this kid isn't getting any dates]].|An oddly-fitting excerpt from Cole's infamous ''Toy Story 3'' review.<ref>[http://www.colesmithey.com/capsules/2010/06/toy-story-3.html Toy Story 3 - ColeSmithey.com]</ref>}}
Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.<ref>http://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/</ref> He was mentioned once in ''Time'' magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to ''Toy Story 3'', resulting in many Pixar fans crying out in disgust that a movie franchise that looked to be the only one with purely 100% ratings on RT was ruined by him and Armond White.<ref>http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/</ref> (Several years later, in an interview with Arthur Spatchcock, Chris stated that he disagreed with his brother's review even though he hadn't seen the film.)

Cole occasionally hosts [[eBay]] auctions for the winning bidder to spend a night with him drinking craft beer at his wife's bar and talking about film, proving that despite one half-brother being a wannabe pretentious, hipster douchebag and the other being a retarded manchild, they both share the same [[Chris and his Ego|bloated ego]].<ref>http://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/291052352033?hash=item43c4127221</ref>

Billing himself as "The Smartest Film Critic in the World," (a title that esteemed film critic [[Wikipedia:Roger Ebert|Roger Ebert]] once mocked<ref>http://www.colesmithey.com/filmblog/2009/04/my-dialogue-with-roger.html</ref>) Cole regularly posts his reviews to YouTube, but his videos have hilariously low view counts, rarely more than a few hundred per video and sometimes not even more than a few ''dozen'', even on reviews of well-known films. Whatever the reason, this means that, ironically, the various videos Chris posted to YouTube over the years were literally many thousands of times more popular than those of his theoretically more successful brother. It probably doesn't help matters that Cole Smithey's videos have low production values and negative reviews of well-received films. On a sidenote, he also considers ''Freddy Got Fingered'' (a film often considered to be either so-bad-it's-good, or even one of the worst of all time) [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JUuAhFVlk4 to be "Classic Cinema".]

{{Squote|'Wild Strawberries' is a thematically abundant film that fluidly condenses a lifetime's worth of experience into succinct cinematic fragments under Ingmar Bergman's complex construction of abstract corollaries.|An example of Cole Smithey's obsession with big words<ref>http://www.colesmithey.com/capsules/2014/07/wild-strawberries.html</ref>|3=}}

By [[March 2007]], Cole was in a relationship with a woman named Katherine (no, not [[Catherine|her]]).<ref name="Email" /> This is most likely the same Katherine he married in [[March 2013]].<ref name="JohnKyleVid">[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aitxArbd0o John Kyle - Three Love Songs at Katherine and Cole's Wedding] (retrieved on 24 February 2014)</ref> Given that Cole mentioned an earlier wedding during his correspondance with Chris, it appears that Katherine is his second wife, unless the "wedding" in 2013 was actually a renewal of vows.<ref name="email" />

According to an article written by his friend, syndicated cartoonist [[Wikipedia:Ted_Rall|Ted Rall]], Cole once came close to death from [[Wikipedia:Necrotizing fasciitis|necrotizing fasciitis]] after an ER nurse made a misdiagnosis<ref>[http://www.japantimes.co.jp/opinion/2014/10/06/commentary/world-commentary/emergency-rooms-live-gunshot-wounds/#.VR7L5vnF-So]</ref>, and believes that 2016 presidential candidate Bernie Sanders' rise can be attributed to the "failure of propaganda."<ref>[http://www.japantimes.co.jp/opinion/2016/01/22/commentary/world-commentary/sanders-rise-fueled-by-the-failure-of-propaganda/#.Vq1dJrIrI8o]</ref>
{{clear}}

Cole has co-hosted a free weekly podcast called LA GRANDE BOUFFE (THE BIG FEAST)<ref>https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/la-grande-bouffe-the-big-feast/id1120760479?mt=2</ref> since 23 April 2016.

==Relationship with Barbara and Bob==
[[File:Bobcomes home copy.jpg|thumb|left|250px|A likely summary for Bob and Cole's relationship.]]
[[Image:0467-CWC18th20.jpg|thumb|Cole smiles alongside [[Barbara]] on Chris's [[My big 18th party (story)|18th birthday]].]]

Cole was not on good terms with [[Bob]] or [[Barbara]]. According to Cole, Bob worked his "bitter influence" on Barbara to separate her from Cole. He has "never met a meaner or more reprehensible Republican cur than Bob Chandler."<ref name="email" /> In multiple emails to Chris, Cole asks to be informed when Bob dies so he can celebrate.<ref name="Email">[[Cole Smithey E-mails]]</ref>

Cole claims Barbara lied about the identity of Cole's biological father. Cole hired a private detective to find evidence contradicting her claims. It turns out Barbara was never married to [[Jack Dale Smithey]], Cole's alleged father, but rather to [[Ran Coleman Yeatts|Ran ''Cole''man Yeatts]]. In a leaked e-mail sent to [[Jackie]] on 14 May 2011, Chris wrote that Cole "has had mental problems since he hit his head on a bus, and has taken it out heavily on our mother." Some argue the story could be a lie Barbara told Chris to explain Cole's bitterness towards her while masking the issue that actually caused it.

Barbara visited Cole only once in 27 years, whereas Cole had made special effort to visit her several times. Cole's wife's family treats him more like family than his own. Chris has [[Message for John Kyle|complained]] that Cole is ignoring Barb's attempts to get in touch with him. It would seem that Cole has left his mother to her own devices.

{{clear}}

==Relationship with Chris==
[[Image:0468-CWC&JCS.jpg|thumb|300px|The half-brothers hold their hands the same way on Chris's [[My big 18th party (story)|18th birthday]].]]
[[File:Cole and Others Miis.png|thumb|right|300px|Cole (far right) as a [[Sonichu Amiibo|Mii]] in one of Chris's [[Super Smash Bros. Videos]], ''Family Needs to appreciate Family'']]
Ironically, for much of his life Cole has actually gotten along much better with Chris than with either Bob or Barb, and possibly better than with any of his other direct relatives. Then again, when you don't actually know ''who'' your paternal relatives are, you have to take what you can get.

Cole was not around when Chris was growing up. Being nineteen years older, he was in California making a life for himself. Cole said that Barbara and Bob neglected Chris for years with the [[abusive babysitter]], which suggests that he believes that Chris's muteness in early life was their fault. Chris visited Cole in California when he was about seven years old, according to Barb.<ref>[[Rental House Tour#Time to go]]</ref> This is the only time Chris has been on an airplane<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref> and one of the few times that he has left [[Virginia]].

For New Years' Day [[1998]] Chris gave Cole a [[Lego]] Band Stand and wished him a "Rocking New Year." However, in [[1999]] on a [[Spanish]] exercise, Chris described "Cole the Beedrill" as ''muy feo'' (very ugly), suggesting relations had strained, probably because of Barb (although he may also have referred to the aspect of the actual Pokémon species).<ref>[[Manchester High Leaks]]</ref> Nevertheless, Cole visited for Chris's [[My big 18th party (story)|18th birthday party]] in [[2000]]. Later in the same year, for Cole's 37th birthday, Chris made him ''A CD For Cole Smithey!'' Naturally, the present had little to do with Cole and everything to do with Chris, even featuring a picture of Chris on the cover.

The last time they set eyes on each other was around 2005 at a family Christmas party.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 27]]</ref>

In [[July 2007]], Chris sent an e-mail asking for Cole's vote in the [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|''PaRappa'' contest]]. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out the truth about his father from Barbara. The timing of this request was probably not a coincidence, as Ran Coleman Yeatts had died a month prior.<ref>[http://ssdi.rootsweb.ancestry.com/ United States Social Security Death Index]</ref> Chris did ask his mother about it, but she maintained her version of the story. Chris was more interested in the ''PaRappa'' contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is (though in Chris's defense, getting involved in an awkward quarrel about parentage is a pretty odd price for a simple upvote on a video.) This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris. To date, these remain the last known communications between the half-brothers as Cole probably distanced himself even further from Chris since only a couple of months later, [[The_GAMe_PLACe#The_GAMe_PLACe_Photograph|the GAMe PLACe photograph]] was posted onto 4chan, thus beginning Chris's infamy on the internet.

In recent years Chris has made numerous efforts to get in touch with Cole, to no avail. In [[October 2013]] he told his friend [[Rebeckah Bentley E-mails|Rebeckah]], "I have no confirmed or direct contact with him in NY; he doesn't respond to email, twitter feed, Facebook, YouTube, etcetera, either. So, I am most unable to reach him at all."<ref>[[Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Chris has scabies too]]</ref> On 22 [[June 2013]], Chris attempted to contact Cole via video. He recorded a message directed to John Kyle,<ref name="Message">[[Message for John Kyle]]</ref> Cole's brother-in-law, who sang at his wedding.<ref name="JohnKyleVid" /> Chris expressed anger at Cole for not inviting him and Barb to his wedding. In the same month, Chris tried to [[Twitter#29_June_2013|communicate with Cole]] on [[Twitter]], basically telling him to come back home so he could [[White_knights#Chris_cares_only_for_himself|dump his familial responsibilities on him]] and go on his [[Sweetheart Search]]. He also suggested that Cole had some mental/physical problems of his own ''(even talking down to him at one point)'' right before activating the "Playing for Sympathy" card, lamenting his time in jail.

In [[August 2015]], Chris [[August 2015 Facebook Posts#Please Take Care Of Barb So I Can Go Out And Have Sex With Hot Lesbians|tried yet again]] to reach out to Cole, this time through [[Facebook]], hoping that a flurry of hashtags would work their magic. In [[November 2015]] he returned to [[YouTube]] with a [[Family Needs to appreciate Family|video]] depiction of a battle in which Chris and his allies face off against Cole, [[David Alan Chandler|his other step-brother]], and his [[Carol Suzanne Chandler|step-sister]] in Super Smash Bros. "OUR Mother is Still Alive; I REALLY want you to make amends and get close, once again, to her before Her time runs out," he wrote in the description. The following day he arranged a [[Sonichu and Rosechu figure collection toy battle!|similar fight]] among his [[Amiibo]] figurines and angrily accused Cole of being possessed by the spirit of [[Count Graduon]]. He posted an image of his Cole Amiibo on Facebook. In this spat of postings Chris attempts to be appear concerned about Cole not being around for their mother's twilight years, thinly veiling his [[Monthly Tugboat|real concerns]].

Chris has two explanations for this falling-out with his half-brother, both fed to him by Barb. First, Cole has been entirely misled about Barb's character by the lies of other family members. "She is the opposite of what hate they filled Cole's head with," Chris asserts.<ref>[[Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Chris has scabies too]]</ref> Second, Cole's "mental problems" caused by his childhood injury mean that he has "taken it out heavily on our mother."<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 26]]</ref> "Lord Knows What Else goes on through his head," Chris has concluded, demonstrating that more than anything else, Cole is almost entirely unknown to Chris. For the most part, the main trait Chris seems to be aware of regarding his half-brother is that he has a career and makes a living. This, in traditional Chris fashion, means opportunity and progressively his attempts to reach out have more and more focused on Cole financially supporting Chris and Barb, returning Chris to the idyllic balance he enjoyed with Bob as the responsible man in the house.

[[File:Piss and burn fb.PNG|thumb|right|300px|Note in the picture it says "mother and [[Tomgirl|sister]]"]]
In [[June 2016]], Chris posted a Facebook rant about Cole alleging that he and his wife spend two thousand dollars a month on rent for an apartment in Carnegie Hall. Even though renting an apartment near Carnegie Hall can easily cost twice as much, this lack of research didn't stop Chris from depicting his half-brother as having money to [[Chris and hypocrisy|"piss and burn"]] while simultaneously [[Lego|begging]] [[Transformers|him]] [[PlayStation 4|for]] [[Chris and money|money]].

In May 2017, Chris mocked Cole on Twitter, stating [[Hypocrisy|"Oh my gosh, my half brother is suddenly begging for money now.]] Cole was asking his fans to pledge to him on Patreon[https://youtube.com/watch?v=2SqUJhND-mY], suggesting he has also [[Financhu Crisis|hit rock bottom.]] Chris said he would pledge to him, but he still hasn't apologized or made up with Barb.

==Cole in the comics==
While he has not directly appeared in [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']], in the [[CWCipedia]] profile for [[Rosechu]] there is a "Professor Cole", assumed to be a version of Cole Smithey, listed as the one who gave [[Kel]] the [[Wikipedia:Pichu|Pichu]] who would become Rosechu. The custom Amiibo depicting Cole as a Jerkop seems to forshadow his presence as a villain in the CWCville universe.

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:0425-CwcvilleBandStand2.jpg|Chris's gift to Cole in [[1998]]
Image:045-ColeCD.jpg|''A CD For Cole Smithey!''
Image:046-ColeCDIn.jpg|As if Barbara had any involvement with the CD.
Image:Colesmithyrockingdogs.jpg|Cole playing drums.
File:ColePostcardB.jpg|Postcard Cole sent to Barbara in 1994.
File:ColePostcardA.jpg
File:Cole Amiibo.jpg|Cole as a [[Jerkop]].
File:26 June 2016 Cole Smithey drawing.jpeg
</gallery></center>

==Sources==
<references />

==External links==
* [http://www.colesmithey.com ColeSmithey.com]
* [http://www.rottentomatoes.com/author/author-3041/ Cole at Rotten Tomatoes]
* [http://www.youtube.com/user/colesmithey/ Cole's YouTube channel]
*[https://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa LinkedIn page]
{{Not_Jerks}}
{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Smithey, Cole}}
[[Category:Family Members]]

26 December 2014

2017-07-31T15:27:45Z

Yellow: /* Fan Videos */

{{Articleofthenow}}

{{quote|[[It's UGH!|Ugh!!!]] I Fucking Hate These People for continuing to allow the damn blue arms to exist! And I fucking hate them for changing the arm colour in the first place and ultimately from that damn seed event, force me to be attacked, having to defend myself, and forcing me to spend a weekend in jail!|Chris's justification for his actions.}}
{{clear}}
[[File:Bluearmsis zpsac2c59f2.jpg|thumb|A [[wikipedia:Orange Is the New Black|hit new]] show [[Christian and the Hedgehog Boys|rocking]] the [[Netflix]] [[Ruckersville, VA|nation]]!]]

'''26 December 2014''' was one of the more eventful days of Chris's life, certainly since [[Manchester High School#Graduation|graduating high school]]. Essentially [[28 October 2011]] all over again, the date found Chris [[Chris and the Law|in trouble with the law]] once more for [[Michael Snyder|assaulting staff]] at [[The GAMe PLACe|a video game store]], this time with [[Wikipedia:Pepper spray|pepper spray]].<ref>[https://eapps.courts.state.va.us/gdcourts/criminalDetail.do?formAction=newSearch?ts=1424389574456&clientSearchCounter=3&localFipsCode=003 Virginia general court records]</ref> The attack was the culmination of his months-long [[Sonic Boom Protests|crusade]] to change the arm color of a [[Sonic the Hedgehog|cartoon hedgehog]]. On 15 [[October 2015]] he was finally found guilty of a misdemeanor charge, and received a six-month suspended sentence and a $541 fine.

==Synopsis==
[[File:Madman.jpg|thumb|The now infamous photo of Chris, seconds before the assault.]]
By the time of his arrest, Chris had already been engaging in various [[Sonic Boom Protests|acts of protest]], mainly vandalism, in an attempt to force local retailers to stop selling Sonic Boom. As a result, he had already been banned from every [[GameStop]] within driving distance of his [[Rental House|temporary home]]. Nevertheless, on the day after Christmas, on a trip to [[Charlottesville Fashion Square]] (from which he may have already been banned) with his mother, Chris visited the GameStop outlet.

At the time, the Boxing Day shift was in full swing, and the mall was crowded with people. [[Yellow-Shirted Foe|The Assistant Manager]] just so happened to be on this shift when Chris arrived.

While he claimed it was to purchase some ''Skylanders'' merchandise, it doesn't really matter what possessed him to go there; staff said they'd already caught him vandalizing Sonic Boom merchandise and had banned him accordingly. They had been on the lookout for him, suggesting this wasn't the first time he tried to return after being banned. Furthermore, knowing Chris's penchant for lying unconvincingly, committing further acts of vandalism may indeed have been his real agenda that day.

Whatever the truth, he entered the store wearing a pair of purple [[My Little Pony]]-[[Chris and brand loyalty|branded]] [[Chris and fashion|sunglasses designed for little girls]], apparently as a [[Honor roll|disguise]]. Naturally, he still stuck out like a sore thumb. After arguing with staff, he strode towards the store entrance, commanding the staff "[[Chris and negotiation|Don't call anybody!]]" Just before he left, he brandished a pink can of pepper spray, and sprayed the assistant manager (or "[[CWCism|Ass Manager]]," as Chris would later call him). The employee was later confirmed to be unharmed, although he did leave work after the incident.

Most of the information on what happened in the next hour comes exclusively from leaked, low-quality audio from a police scanner (below), and many details are uncertain. With his duty at GameStop done, and the police on their way, Chris returned to his car and left the mall. At some point after arriving at the mall and checking [[Kaka Makeup Basics|JCPenney]] and Sears, police determined that Chris had left the building around half an hour ago. The police talked with Barbara, who was still at the mall, eating, meaning Chris left his elderly mother behind, without a car to get home. Barb had little information to offer, except the make and color of Chris's car. Chris was arrested on the same day, at home.

On 28 [[December 2014|December]], a member of [[Kiwi Farms]] [[Jail calls|contacted Albemarle Regional Jail]] and confirmed that Chris was being held there, and was awaiting video court the next morning. A followup call from a [[4chan]] troll<ref name=forum>https://archive.today/KbrlM</ref> revealed that the GameStop's assistant manager would be pressing charges. After his weekend in jail, Chris was charged with his Class 6 felony, posted the $2,500 bail, and was released on recognizance.

==monozettai's Account==
[[File:ChrisMugshot.jpg|thumb|left|Chris's mugshot. Note that killer pout, and lazy eye.]]
[[File:Dec2014cwcjailphonecall.jpg|thumb|Expert recreation of Chris's first night in the pokey.]]
The Internet learned of the above drama when Tumblr user "monozettai" uploaded an on-the-scene video (below).<ref name=smokinggun>https://archive.today/ZDHkd</ref>. In the short clip, Chris, clad in full [[tomgirl]] regalia, throws away any [[Trolls#Today|pity points]] he may have earned by macing a man who is clearly not threatening Chris in any way. It later became viral and one of the most-viewed videos in Christory. Notably, Chris did nothing to get the video taken down, either because he was unaware of its existence or aware of the [[wikipedia:Streisand effect|Streisand effect]].

After the video was discovered by Christorians at large on 27 December<ref name=forum/>, monozettai's inbox was flooded with questions on his recollection of the event. This is what he had to say:

{{quoteboxred|I was in [[Gamestop]] looking at the 3ds rack when I heard a racket from my left. I looked up and saw Chris surrounded by 3-4 employees in a corner (I recognized Chris’ voice before their appearance). A woman was telling Chris that they had been banned from the store and needed to leave, to which Chris responded with something like “Oh come ON, can’t we let bygones be bygones?” The employees ignored him and continued to tell him to leave and threatened to call security. Eventually they dispersed to do so, which is about when I began filming (I had been wondering whether or not I should, but I’d say only about 20 or so seconds had gone by between when I noticed and when I started filming).

 After the video I heard the employees complaining about the use of pepper spray. I didn’t notice it when I initially filmed nor was I ever in the vicinity of the spray, so I can’t confirm anything, but as you can see Chris sprayed something at an employee in the video. I don’t remember seeing that employee around after that so I assume he left. Anyway, a woman buying a game at the counter asked the employee she had been interacting with what had just happened and the employee replied that Chris was “some guy that came in from time to time to mess with the Sonic Boom games because he was upset that Sonic’s arms had changed color,” or something to that effect. Sadly I did not check to see what happened to the Sonic Boom and only stayed for another 5 minutes or so before leaving, but nothing else of interest happened other than employees running back and forth from the counter to the back room, anxiously talking about contacting security and making sure “he” was gone.<ref name=eyewitness>https://archive.today/GsnsF</ref>}}

==Chris's Account==
[[File:Ween13.png|thumb|right|250px|[[Chris and Reality|Oh, really?]]]]
{{quote|I WAS the Victim|Chris, meeting everyone's expectations}}
Soon after his release from the pokey, Chris rushed to his keyboard to perform damage control. Not surprisingly, he refused to admit any fault. Bizarrely, while he claimed ignorance to the effects of pepper spray, he also admitted that he had sprayed ''himself'' with the stuff several days before the incident. He also tried to blame the store employees for "intimidating" him, even though the footage does not support this claim, and Sega for changing Sonic's arm color in the first place. Unlike his previous run-in with the law, where he was at least smart enough to only mention the exact details in a personal e-mail to a [[trolls|close friend]], Chris posted this to his [[Facebook]] page for all to see. Even his [[white knights]] condemned his actions. It seemed that this time around, everyone was against him.

{{quotebox|1=Attention Everyone!!!

To preface what has happened recently, I simply remind everyone that Sonic The Hedgehog's Arms Are Not Freaking Blue!!!

If ‪#‎SEGA‬ had Never changed them, or reversed the change between February and November of this year in the new Sonic Boom video games AND Cartoon Series on Cartoon Network, as well as the Toys and whatever else, I would Never Have Had to Protest and Rebel the way I have, including the creation of my group, [[FIX SONIC'S ARMS IMMEDIATELY, SEGA!!!]]

Within my groups, I have lead by example to push forward to the path of Waking SEGA Up and Forcing Them to Change Sonic's Arm Colour Back Immediately. And to confess, I HAVE DONE MY PART FOR REAL! I had personally gone into three of the four local [[GameStop]]s (EXCLUDING the Fashion Square one) THREE TIMES to Personally Protest in my Silent Way. First Attack: I printed, as seen on the Facebook Group, the Fronts of the Sonic Boom Game Inserts, affixed double-sided tape onto the backs, and affixed them onto the fronts of their respective display game boxes on the shelves. Second Attack, about a week later: I checked the success of my first attack: damaged a few original inserts pretty well to full removal. And of what were still there, I made attempts to transfer the inserts from the original cases into Behind the inserts of different games. I've had to briefly explain my reasons and the Protest, and told them that they should NOT BE SELLING THE BLUE_ARM_BANDIT GAMES IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND THAT THEY SHOULD SEND ALL OF THEIR REMAINING STOCK OF SONIC BOOM GAMES AND STUFF BACK TO SEGA, TO MAKE THEM CHANGE SONIC'S ARM COLOUR BACK IMMEDIATELY!!! They did nothing. And one last week later, the Third and Final Attack, and the ONE and ONLY time that the Fashion Square Location had been involved as well. I made up and printed faux price tag decals, with the short note to discourage purchase of the Blue Arm Bandit games, and promote the Protesting Boycott. And with the Five Wii U software cases that each melted a bit from the MY House Fire Last January, as well as Five Smoke Damaged 3DS Game Cases (no melting), I had printed a full front, side and back insert with the boycott encouragements, and the notes on the back to make the stores send their remaining stock Back To SEGA!

I Have ran into individuals giving me Bad Grief for my Protest and Actions, OUTSIDE from the Fashion Square Location, but I HAVE done my duty in full to the best of my abilities at the individual moments and circumstances.

I also HAD Hidden ALL of the Blue Armed Sonic Toys at Toys ''R'' Us here, concealed hidden amongst their metal cupboards, so they ALL would NOT be SOLD, and Best Boycotted for The Protest! They remained hidden for the longest time of over a Month; found and reshelved near the 20th of [[December 2014|December]] to my personal dismay and crestfall. And at Best Buy, ALL Copies of THEIR Sonic Boom Games are STILL SUCCESSFULLY CONCEALED AND HIDDEN from View AND Purchase!

Anyhow, AFTER the Final Attack for the Protest, near a week later, on December 8, I had typed, signed, addressed and US Mailed apology letters, with the promise to have been done with my In Person Protest Deeds with No Further Action therein, to ALL but the [[Fashion Square]] [[GameStop]], and I had sent one to Toys R Us as well. I had thought the FS GS would overlook the ONE attack of Protest on them, but obviously, I was mistaken.

Which brings us up to now.

Last Friday, the 26th, my mother and I were at the mall, getting pizza and spaghetti for lunch. She had informed me of a good Mini Refrigerator deal at Sears, so after eating, I made my way to check it out. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AT SEARS, and I went NOWHERE NEAR JCPENNY that day. There was a good 3.1 Cubic Foot Fridge for $129.99 that caught my eye, but that is to be purchased later.

On the way to Sears, I peeked into the [[GameStop]], and I spotted a New [https://www.skylanders.com/characters/blastermind Skylander Figure: Blastermind]. I was set to buy it, and I was going to consider checking out their [[Wii U]] Preowned Software selection in their 3 for 2 deal. Innocent; I was NOT Looking for Trouble. But then this [[MALE]] Loomed out in front of me, frightened the crap out of me, and he said in a BOOMING VOICE that ONLY scared me worse, "YOU ARE BANNED FROM HERE. YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW." But still determined to continue my shopping, I veered into the Wii U direction, when his female accomplice startled me and boomed in as well. Still feeling frightened and [[Sensory Overload|mentally overloaded]], I made a grab for my pepper spray to use In Defense. I offered a few Peaceful solutions, but she ended up sending him to go get security. So, I shouted, "Fine! I'm Leaving", and I dropped the figure. And on my way out, I told the MALE to Not Get Anyone, and we both stopped near simultaneous. I still felt my own worse from wear with the fear, startle, paranoia, and I did NOT want him following me and causing more trouble upon me. And then in my defense and to make my escape, I spritzed a miniscule amount of the pepper spray Downward; NOT into his face. And then I left.

I did not learn until much later that the spritz had done a lot worse than I had imagined it would, as well as learning that they were the so-called "Manager" and "Ass Manager" of that particular store.

I had No Idea of the contents of the Pepper Spray, OR that it was Illegal for use in certain situations in the state of Virginia at all.

And, I HAD tried the stuff on myself days before in the upstairs bathroom. A Two Second Spray onto my left wrist, some of it got onto the bath tub wall as well. Like sampling a perfume or deodorant. It Took Me Out damn well. I had to open the windows, turn on the bathroom fan AND aim the box fan into the bathroom to air the place out, and I wiped the wall off as well, and OF COURSE I washed my hands. It took fifteen to thirty minutes to make it bearable in there again.

In the end, Yes, I went along peacefully when the "Police" arrived to collect me, and I had to spend a miserable weekend in Jail. And I just got out on a bond and bail; yada, yada, yada.

In the END, I WAS the Victim; I did not cause the original provoking; The "Assistant Manager" Made the First Attack ONTO ME and Provoked my defensive response. I was Minding My Own Business; NOT Looking for Trouble, and then HE Startled Me, similar to a potential Rapist in a Dark Alley in a big city. ANY of you would have done the same as I Have in Defense AND Escape!

And we can SUE SEGA for Changing Sonic's Arm Colour and Ultimately, this MALE getting Pepper Sprayed! Think About It Seriously!

And my Protest Actions are NOT acts of "Vandalism", regardless of your individual perceptions. It was NOT Vandalism, but Good Protest when in around 2004, At Fashion Square, I tried their NEW Soda machines with a credit-debit card slot, and then I learned of the FIVE DOLLAR SURCHARGE that brought my bank account into the Freaking Red! I subtly Posted Sticky Note Signs onto each machine shortly after, "This Machine Charges You Five Dollars per Card Use". A few days later, the Original Machines returned! Nobody gave ME Any Freaking Grief or Complaints at all about that!

AND if you REALLY want to see the Whole Mess Happen, go find the Security Tape of the time of Point A, my finding Blastermind to Point B of my departure from the store.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a LOT of much required Packing to Take Care Of.

Good Day. <ref name=Chris>https://archive.today/HQknP</ref>}}

==The Charges==
[[File:ChrisGameStopFull.png|thumb|left|Chris' charges]]
This was the case against Chris, according to the [https://eapps.courts.state.va.us/gdcourts/criminalDetail.do?formAction=newSearch?ts=1434991317603&clientSearchCounter=3&localFipsCode=003 Albermarle General District Court].

{{quotebox|CHARGE: DANGEROUS GAS UNLAWFUL RELEASE (§ 18.2-312. Illegal use of tear gas, phosgene and other gases.) "If any person maliciously release or cause or procure to be released in any private home, place of business or place of public gathering any tear gas, mustard gas, phosgene gas or other noxious or nauseating gases or mixtures of chemicals designed to, and capable of, producing vile or injurious or nauseating odors or gases, and bodily injury results to any person from such gas or odor, the offending person shall be guilty of a Class 3 felony.

"If such act be done unlawfully, but not maliciously, the offending person shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony."<ref>Code of Virginia: http://leg1.state.va.us/000/src.htm</ref>}}

For a Class 6 felony conviction, Virginia sentencing guidelines recommend 1-5 years in prison and a fine of up to $2,500,<ref>[http://leg1.state.va.us/000/cod/18.2-10.HTM]</ref> in addition to all the other corresponding losses he'd experience as a registered felon.

The 6th Degree version under the Virginia tear gas law is for cases in which the tear gassing was done "unlawfully, but not maliciously." Chris was fortunate to avoid the Class 3 felony version of the charge, which deals with malicious intent, and carries a much stiffer penalty of 5-20 years and up to a $100,000 fine. The law allowed Chris to plea down to misdemeanor-level assault and battery and be given a suspended sentence, with probation, counseling, anger management and/or community service in lieu of jail time. Ultimately, this is essentially how it turned out.

Having squandered [[Bob]]'s inheritance on hiring [[Rob Bell]] after the [[28 October 2011]] incident, Chris was forced this time around to work with a public defender.

==Chris Returns to the Front==
On 3 [[January 2015]], an e-mail leaked onto Kiwi Farms exposed that Chris had behaved in a bellicose manner at [[Wal-Mart]] on that date, and threatened to use his mace again. This was soon afterwards confirmed by Chris himself, who indicated that he wielded the pepper spray because it made him feel like a "[[Chris and his ego|badass]]." This statement worried many onlookers, as it suggests Chris perceived himself as invincible so long as he could issue credible threats. It was seen as a disturbing indicator that Chris's notion of his own infallibility and invulnerability, previously confined to the comics, had [[Chris and reality|seeped into his conscious psyche]].

On 11 January, Chris posted the following to his Facebook account, once again painting himself as the victim and wishing that people would like him, despite his past actions. He argued that ''nobody should be banned from a store unless they are carrying a gun''. The post also addresses the completely unrelated issue regarding Chris's sexual identity.

{{quotebox|Just Listen; Do Not Comment or Respond; I am being Very Serious.
I Really Wish People would Positively Like Me. I can not make people like me, and if they dislike me, for their own individual reasons beyond my own comprehension.

I can not change their minds. But, to my utmost dismay and sadness, should I be threatened, or be made to feel threatened, I Will defend myself to force some respect from them.
All I would ever want is a good day and some peace of my own mind; I do not intend, nor have ever intended, unprovoked, to offend anyone.
And if my good day is turned bad, because of me feeling threatened by anyone, and then I feel those individuals immediately deserve to have a bad day themselves (and continue living on from there),
then it is Their Fault for pushing me into the defensive position in the first place.
It really does make me feel sad and most disappointed of the other people when they give me such grief to the point that I have to be put into a position to force some respect out of them.

And I have been growing more paranoid of Other People since November of 2007 with the damn bad people over the internet,
as well as those I have had the displeasure to have encountered in person who have shown me nothing but a difficult time and even more grief.

Also, I sincerely believe nothing would ever be gained from killing anyone, including myself; all that does is forces one or the other into their next realm or life;
Nobody really Learns or really Benefits anything from the [[Death|deaths]] of any person. That is why I would never own, or want to own, a real gun.
"Look out, she's going for her mace!"
"What? Would you rather I have a gun with bullets in it?"

And that is another thing everyone Should be Aware of: I AM A FEMALE SOUL, and I Prefer to be referred to by the Female Pronouns. Any address of "Sir", or "Man" upon me, will only be met by a cold shoulder or [[stare]] in their general direction.

And NOBODY should ever be BANNED from a high-volume store like Wal-Mart or Target for anything less offensive than a gun withdrawl or robbery. We All Have Bad Days, and unless we actually Hit a Person or living individual or similar actions, in how we individually react to how we are feeling at the ONE Moment, aside from the other Individual Moments, To Ban an individual is just plain wrong.

And acts of protests with JUST Meanings, do not deserve any damn grief either.

Just Let Me Live On In Peace, Let Me enjoy my Good Day and Pleasant Shoppings and Outings, and DO NOT BOTHER ME AT ALL. I have No Intention Whatsoever to harm Any Individual Person or Myself. So, Please, Do Not Give Me Reason to be Forced to Defend Myself to garner any respect. All that does is give us all a Bad Day from a Good One.

Good Day. }}

==Subsequent court hearings==
[[File:Hearing schedule.png|left|thumb|400px|Chris's hearing schedule.]]
Chris had seven hearings related to this case, stretching into the autumn of 2015, before finally receiving a conviction.<ref>https://eapps.courts.state.va.us/gdcourts/criminalDetail.do?formAction=newSearch?ts=1434991317603&clientSearchCounter=3&localFipsCode=003</ref> His fans were frustrated at the slow pace of justice.

===29 December Hearing===
At the video hearing on 29 December (which only consisted of the judge setting bail/bond conditions and a date for the next hearing), Chris was released on bond. The following month he revealed in a Facebook post that, in yet another development mirroring 28 October 2011, the judge had placed a no-contact order on Chris as part of his bail conditions.<ref>[[January 2015 Facebook posts#A No-Contact Order Apparently Goes Both Ways]]</ref>

===5 February Hearing===
[[File:CWCtrial.png|thumb|left|Chris and Barb leaving the courthouse after their 5 February hearing.]]
His next hearing took place on 5 February. It was decidedly brief, as the Chandlers appeared to have been assigned an unsuitable representative, and another hearing in April was scheduled. According to two Virginian Christorians in attendance, little of note happened except Chris and Barb forgetting the date of the next hearing and thereby pissing off the court by holding up the next case. Footage was taken of Chris and Barb leaving court, the first appearance Barb has made in Christorical media for almost two years.

Zeonista's account:<ref>[[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/operation-chris-eater-commences.7535/page-16#post-527528]]</ref>

{{quoteboxred|I sat in the back of the courtroom, since I was trying really hard to be inconspicuous, but as a result of that it was hard for me to hear much of anything. I can't give you much in the way of specific dialogue... Rammspieler (at least, the person I believe was him) had a better vantage point, so expect more from him there.

Anyway, Chris WAS wearing women's clothes, but didn't look like as much of a disaster as usual. He was wearing a black cardigan and long dark-blue skirt with white stripes, along with dark-blue leggings and a pair of tan boots. His hair still looked pretty terrible, pretty much the same as it was in his mugshot. Barb was with him, wearing what looked like a red wool coat.

Chris looked pretty nervous while he was waiting for things to get started. He was fidgeting a lot and kept leaning over to ask her questions. I'm pretty sure I heard him ask "Do you think we should tell them about our troll problems?" once, which made me smile inside.

They called Chris up pretty quickly - his case was one of the first ones to go through. Naturally, even though there were 2 or 3 female PDs in the courtroom, Chris got the one BRUTE MALE of the lot. He was summoned as "Mr. Chandler," which I doubt he liked much. I heard the PD make a brief comment about Chris' appearance, but didn't hear exactly what was said.

The PD, Chris, and the judge spoke with each other for about 2 minutes, and eventually the ruling was for a continuation on April 2nd. The two of them left the courtroom, only to come back in about a minute or two later, with Chris chiding his mother. "What were you thinking, Barbara Ann?" I guess Barb had already forgotten the date of the next hearing, or maybe she thought they needed to come back later in the day for something. Anyway, she and Chris spoke to the PD for another minute or two. I heard the PD say this to them: "I said you're free to go... Yes, it's April 2nd. April 2nd, I can write that down for you if you want." He looked just a little annoyed, because even this short exchange was enough to hold things up. Chris and Barb were blocking the middle of the courtroom while this was happening, and the judge had to ask them to move out of the way so the next guy up could get through.

The two of them left a little while later. All Chris had to say on his way out was "Welp," accompanied by a stress sigh.}}

Rammspieler's write-up:<ref>[[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/operation-chris-eater-commences.7535/page-22#post-528260]]</ref>

{{quoteboxgreen|
Despite the continuance of the case until April 2nd, I'm glad to have been there and have been in the presence of Manbaby and Barb themselves. I wish I was a better videographer/photographer and had taken better shots of them, all I got was a video of them leaving court as well as a video of 14 BC.

I'm also glad that Zeonista posted and filled in for the details I wasn't able to pick up on. But the truth is that it was a very "active" courtroom and everybody was moving around and whispering to each other, so it is possible that I may have misheard some things.

Anyway, I got there like at 8:50 and after taking off my fucking studded belt and fishing keys out of my pocket to pass the metal detector, I finally sat myself down in the courtroom. But still no sign of Chris. In fact, I was almost expecting him to be a no show. I started jotting down my notes and everything, when I look up, wondering of he wasn't coming, when I hear close to me a VERY FAMILIAR VOICE. I look to my right, and sitting in the bench in front of meat the very end of it, I saw him. My face just lit up and I knew right then and there that the trip was worth it. This is the closest thing I'll ever experience to having met a movie star is basically my sentiment. And right in front of me was a woman whom at first I thought was either his attorney or even Rocky Shoemaker. I was wondering whom she was for the longest until, his PD showed up and asked to speak with her son. So confirmed Snorlax. Also, he didn't seem to be too pleased with the PD referring to him as male.

I can confirm what Zeonista saw and heard and indeed he was in full tomgirl attire. Ridiculous blue eyeshadow and all. Barb's red overcoat was covered in animal fur so I guess they must have pets. I can also confirm his constant sighing and nervousness. He couldn't stop shaking his leg. He also bore the same expression that he was wearing for his mugshot. He was obviously Stressed and displeased! There was even a moment when he kinda turned around and looked at me with what seemed to be suspicion. Was I that obvious? The guy with the faux vintage Star Wars Episode IV Hong Kong movie poster shirt and the notepad, writing down everything?

Like I said, it was a relatively noisy courtroom, so I couldn't catch the gist of most of the whispering. But I did catch him asking Barb that the PD and the judge should be made aware of the "troll problem". Like Zeonista, I couldn't help but smile. But he then went on in what seemed to be a rant about misogyny and misogynists. I guess he was hoping that the MALE judge wouldn't be such. What really called my attention was the way they carried on. If you didn't know they were mother and son, you could swear that they looked like a really creepy Cougar/Cub romantic relationship. The way they held each others backs, to him telling her "I love you". I was also able to notice that he was wearing a graduation ring. I guess from his high school? I couldn't make out the letters, but the stone was purple. He then said something about hoping that "he wasn't a chicken" and Barb replied that "he" won't be. I guess they were talking about the lawyer. Speaking of...

The PD was this handsome, lean dude in his mid to late 20's. Had curly hair and a trimmed beard. If you took off his suit and left his glasses on, he would make a great hipster at some microbrewery. The reason why I at first assumed that they hired him was because I noticed in Chris' Lego notebook a business card with a written phone number and the name of what looked to be "Max Rippoli" I knew it was Italian and the judge did utter a similar surname when telling Chris that said person couldn't defend him. The first name was definitely "Max" though. Barb's advice for Chris when in the Stand was to stand up straight and smile. Anyway, once the judge granted the continuance, I took that as my cue to leave and stand by to take visuals. So while I was outside, turning my phone on and trying to get the camera to work was when Zeonista witnessed what took place after I left and before they left.}}

{{Infobox/video
| name = Chris and Barb coming out of court
| video = {{#ev:youtube|mPhK5X_Fmko}}
| stardate = 5 [[February 2015]]
| subject = {{Other|[[Sonic Boom Protests]]}}
}}

===2 April Hearing===
[[File:Cwcap.png|thumb|Chris entering court on April 2.]]
Chris began to attend his hearings alone, and reportedly seemed more nervous than in the last hearing. It began 20 minutes early and was over within minutes. In fact Chris left the courtroom before Christorians made it through security, so no one knows what, if anything, actually happened inside. What is known is that Chris was granted another continuance, and the next hearing was scheduled for 7 May. The account from forum member lipitor:<ref>[[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/operation-chriseater-2-the-fanta-pain.8709/page-6#post-633790]]</ref>

{{quoteboxred|We got down here took some pics of Christorical locations, those will come later. So we're heading to the courthouse and decide to stop at [[mcdonalds]] on the way (not the [[ruckersville]] one across from [[walmart]]), because it was on 29 toward [[c-ville]]. As we pull in we see a blue ford focus with the license plate "Sonichu". Brand new-ish too. Probably nicer than my car. It totally looked more like a [[Transformers|decepticon]] than an autobot just for the record. My bud decides well, guess im going in for coffee. I stayed in the car. I'll let him tell you what he saw in there. I was sitting in the car when he came out. He was wearing those stupid my little pony sunglasses carrying two cups of coffee. He had a black cardigan thing on I think, but what was more noticable ''[sic]'' was his striped dress, it looked like someone stole the curtains from a freshman girl's dorm room and sewed it together haphazardly. It gave him noticable trouble when walking. He was wearing some type of lace up boots that were sort of high heels but not really, probably didnt help with the walking. He didn't seem to realize that in a dress his gait couldnt stride as wide and kept almost falling over and stumbling when his feet landed. Barb was strangely absent. He fucked around his car and went for the trunk. He pulled out one of those things for wiping your windshield, looked stolen from a gas station. I dont think he did anything with it just took it out and fumbled with it, put it back.

HeyyyJackiepie came out just as he was getting back in his car. We tried to lose him, but ended up taking turns following each other. Chris swerved out of the way of a crow in the street without looking into another lane. We just drove up to the crow like normal people and it flew away last minute, like they always do. We tried to lose him continually or at least tried to trail or get ahead of him but we were like right next to each other the same time. We took a wrong turn and lost him. We found a spot where you are actually allowed to park near the courthouse. (see Heyyyjackiepie's comment if you want to get that joke). He parked in nearly the same spot he did last time. He just sat there in his car, seemed like he was playing a game on his phone or some shit. He sat in there for nearly 30 minutes. We wanted to go in after him so we just waited in front of the door. From behind me I hear a string of like 9 stress sighs in a row. I turn around to see him. He had removed the MLP glasses and wore his normal ones now. Could see he was wearing nearly the same tights he did last time. We gave it a minute so he could go in and sit down. We go in there and he's just standing there at the metal detector. He had so much fucking jewelry to remove. like bracelets and necklaces it took forever for him to get them off. The clerk at the metal detector rolled his eyes at him while he was doing it. After he got done he just sat down in a chair in front of the court room but not in it. He was stress sighing and looking around nervously. God he really does stress sigh a lot. With great self discipline I was able to restrain my laughter. He looks more like a nerdy kid than woman or tranny up close. He looks like a teenager whose trying out an outlandish style for attention, but not totally confident in it or aware of what style is.

Anyway he finally fucking got up and went in and we went throught the metal detectors. By the time we got through I had just opened the court room door, he was coming back out and we almost bumped into each other. He said apologetically "well, got that out of the way quick" and dashed out the door to the courtroom. This was like 30 minutes before his hearing so we didnt know what to make of that. He had noticed us so we didn't know if he was trying to dodge us or what. So we just sat down and boring court stuff happened for like 10 or so minutes. We ended up leaving cuz it was clear he wasnt coming back. We saw he was still in his car. We walked around the building once and he was gone. We went back in to see if anything would be said about him, but they said nothing. Must have been a continuance. Chris is definitely not gonna have an outburst though guys. He's super nervous, maybe thats just cuz barb wasnt there I don't know.}}

The skinny according to heyyyJackiePie:<ref>[[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/operation-chriseater-2-the-fanta-pain.8709/page-6#post-633832]]</ref>

{{quoteboxgreen|Girls and boys, and dudes of all teenages,
This is my account of what happened today. First thing’s first: Chris was granted a continuance according to the Charlottesville General District Court website. We were unable to confirm what happened when we were there, but we will explain. But, although we didn’t actually observe Chris being called up in Court in front of the judge, we had multiple sightings of Chris and some pictures and a video which will be upload this evening. This is really long and contains several details, but I’d rather tell you guys everything that happened.

The day started out with a visit to the Ruckersville McDonalds where we captured some pictures of the nearby Wal-Mart, and [[Burger King]] – yes, the one Bob had breakfast at every day. We have plenty of pictures and videos with multiple angles and went inside for a coffee. It’s a small McDonalds and quite modern. There were a group of old men gathered around talking which seemed to be a regular meet up. I wonder if Bob had a similar group of friends at Burger King?

We continued down 29 and stopped by 14 Branchland and took multiple pictures from multiple angles. The house no longer has that red front like it used to so it wasn’t what I expected. In the “driveway” [[Barb]]’s [[Wikipedia:BMW Z3|Z-3]] had a tarp half way over it implying it’s not regularly (read: ever) used. There was also the blue van too. But no blue Ford Focus. Chris was not there. The yard is what you would expect: disgusting and unkempt. We got some pictures of Patti’s doghouse with some writing on it “Patti Chandler rests here” or something. We drove by so many times doing drive by photography that we started to get paranoid and just got the hell out of there. We have plenty and plenty of pictures we will upload.

Being that Chris was not there and it was about 8am, this means that Chris could only be at one place… McDonalds. Although he regularly frequents the Ruckersville McDonalds, it is not on the way to Charlottesville so I speculated there was a 50/50 chance he was at the McDonalds about 5-7 minutes farther down 29 on the way to Charlottesville. We went past it and decided to U-turn to check it out really quickly. We saw a blue car and got excited, but we knew it would be too good to be true. There was a line of cars going through the drive-through blocking it from plain view, but we slowly pulled in to the McDonalds parking lot with a lot of excitement. We knew the only way to confirm was to see the license plate. As we slowly pulled up near his car, we saw “SONICHU” on his license plate and we both shouted like teenage girls as if One Direction just came out on stage. My heart was racing. This was it. This is it. This is not a drill. This will be something that comes up throughout this post, but we were super paranoid at this point and unsure whether to go in. What if he saw us? What if he was suspicious? I didn’t come this far to pussy out so I went in. I quickly identified him and immediately veered right into the bathroom. I pissed out all the coffee I drank up til then and mentally prepared myself. I am not exaggerating but I was feeling several emotions at once… excitement, thrill, paranoia, anxiety. I waited in line to order a coffee… the line was very long and I was hoping, hoping he wouldn’t leave. I finally got a coffee and sat directly behind him. He was alone, but had two drinks, so I suspected Barb was in the bathroom pooping. His hair was long and gangly and he looked similar to his current Facebook profile picture. He wore these multi-colored grotty tennis shoes and a long skirt. I don’t know women’s fashion, but it was like a skirt that went down to his shins. It was definitely a female thing and had these weird multi colors. It was obviously bought at the thift store. He also wore a black atlhletic-like jacket which seemed somewhat normal. I noticed he had blueish eyeliner or mascara that was clumsily applied. He was filling out a crossword puzzle in the newspaper and was quiet. There were tons of people in the McDonalds, but I still sneaked a picture of him from the back. It would have been impossible to take a picture from the front and I didn’t want to blow our cover before the hearing. After 7 minutes or so, he stress sighed as he got up. YES! I heard a stress sigh! I felt so happy inside. It sounded just like all his videos. I tried to get some video of him as I walked out to my car so I put my phone in my pocket and hit record to film a video with the camera lens sticking out. Unfortunately my phone slid into my pocket though so didn’t get anything L.

What happened next made us paranoid as hell again. On the way to the courthouse, it was like there was nothing we could do to not be directly behind him. We waited about 3 minutes after he left McDonalds and of course ended up directly behind him at the first traffic light. Just with the flow of traffic, we literally followed him to the courthouse and got some more video. We finally got to the courthouse and positioned ourselves basically where the guy who did the youtube video of him exiting the courthouse was standing. Chris stayed in his car for… it must have been twenty minutes. So we looked like the biggest bunch of suspicious dumbasses waiting around the front area while he was in his car. He couldn’t see us directly though. As time went on, we became so fucking paranoid that we thought Chris might have called the police of 911. The thinking was if he called 911 to report shovel mech, he definitely would have done it if he was suspicious of two [[Jerk|MALES]]. So we started to walk away. Lipitor finally talked some sense into me. But right as we started walking, he started approaching the courthouse! I whipped out my phone pretending to be on a phone call while recording. I will upload it later and it’s not great, but there are a few moments where you can clearly see what he was wearing and him walking in. We also heard the loudest fucking stress sigh ever made. We were seriously like 30 yards away and heard this and started laughing. We walked in to the courthouse a few minutes later and FUCK MY LIFE he is going through security right in front of us. He was literally a few feet away from us. We panicked and went to the bathroom. After another coffee piss, I saw he was sitting on a bench right in front of the door to go into the courtroom which is immediately after you get through security. There was no way we were going near him at this point. So we waited another 3-4 minutes in the lounge area. We finally went through security when we noticed he wasn’t on the bench. After we get through security, the courtroom door flung open and he came out!… FUCK MY LIFE AGAIN. He walked right by us AGAIN. As we opened the courtroom door, he said to the jerkop at the metal detector “Well, got that over with quickly” and left. WTF. It’s 9:10am and his hearing was at 9:30. We waited in the courtroom for a few minutes, but decided to leave as we were completely confused. His car was still outside so we thought maybe he would come back in around 9:30am. We went back to the courtroom decided to wait. I know this sounds like a stupid move, but there were so many people coming in and out that no one paid attention and the courtroom was really noisy It was honestly like people coming in and out of a Starbucks. We listened to a few people go up, but it was impossible to tell what was happening and you couldn’t even hear their names despite being in the front row. We finally left at 9:45am and his car was still outside. We circled the block to get a better view while staying out of sight, but his car was gone when we got back. I noticed he parked in a spot with a sign the read “Parking for Judges Only”. Clear as fucking day. Entitled cunt. For the rest of the day, we’re going to hit all the major stops and get some photos. We’re also going to upload a photo to prove we’re not making this up.}}

<center><gallery>
File:ChrisatMcDs2.jpg|Chris in the McDonald's parking lot before the hearing.
File:ChrisatMcDs.jpg|Chris at McDonald's.
File:14bc215.jpg|Home sweet home.
</gallery></center>

{{Infobox/video
| name = Chris Chan Hearing (4-2-15)
| video = {{#ev:youtube|FI9INA16FaQ}}
| stardate = 2 [[April 2015]]
| subject = {{Other|[[Sonic Boom Protests]]}}
}}

===7 May Hearing===
True to the predictions of many, this hearing resulted in another continuance, until 11 June. It lasted longer than the previous one. Chris was again spied at [[McDonalds]] before the hearing. Forum member lipitor's account:<ref>[[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/trials-and-tribulations.9677/]]</ref>

{{quoteboxred|Maybe you've seen the picture maybe you haven't but Chris's court room outfit was absolutely ridiculous. It was a girl scout green/teal color and cut worn over a white t-shirt. The cut was just above the knees. Christian wore dirty old sneakers with old gym socks with this. He also had a matching hat that was the same color as his dress. It looked like something an old lady would wear to church. You could tell by his face that he thought he looked cute as shit while wearing that hat, but he looked like a fucking moron. He didn't wear it inside the courthouse, even though women are allowed to wear hats inside.

The inside the courthouse is sort of set up like an old catholic church with pew seating. Christian sat near the front with his back to the side wall so he could scope everyone in there out. Saw him lock eyes on some dude and pull his phone out and text someone (more on who later). You're not allowed to have phones with cameras so he had a flip phone with him. It took fucking hours for them to finally get to his case. When they finally did he got very nervous. They kept calling him by both male and female pronouns at different times. They called him Chris/Christian/Christine and a couple of times Crystal (I know Crystal is his daughter, but apparently the judge accidentally called him that a few times, and I was in no position to correct the man). Christian didn't seemed phased by any of this and went with whatever name/pronoun used at the time. They talked forever and it was mostly just establishing what happened and what the charge was. So it was hard to hear, so the next part is a bit speculative. It sounded like the reason for the continuance was because they wanted Christian to see a shrink/counselor/whatever so they could do a mental health plea. They wanted him to go like right after court too. He seemed to agree to this at the time. Like I said I couldn't hear the exact details of what was going on so it might be a bit different. Feel free to sperg out over what all that means.

Here's the best part. On the way out my field agent was confronted by some lady. She asked the field agent what they were doing there and what their name was. She said she was a reporter. My field agent was like "yeah I'm not telling you that". She shifted tone and said she just wanted to buy my field agent a cup of coffee and hear his story...:stupid: She wanted to know why a community of people on the internet literally document everything in his life. An interview was declined...}}

===11 June Hearing===
This hearing was also quickly continued, until 23 July. The Christorian in attendance described Chris as uncharacteristically sociable and collected, perhaps because his forays in the [[Impulse Gay Social Club]] have made him more comfortable around people. The account:<ref>[[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/6-11-court-hearing.10108/]]</ref>

{{quoteboxgreen|
I attended the court hearing this morning....

Chris's hearing was to begin at 9:30. The courthouse opened for business at 9:00. I got there at 9:05, sat down, and realized Chris was already in the room, sitting across from me. Let me proffer the opinion that Chris passes as a woman. An ugly, frowsy, dumpy, old-fashioned, middle-aged woman to be sure, but there are many women like this, so therefore Chris passes. In a public setting like the courtroom, where you don't give people a close inspection, there would be no reason not to assume that the lump sitting over there was a woman. The five 0'clock shadow is easily visible from a distance, which would be your first clue that something was unusual.

He was wearing [[Chris and fashion|an aqua blue outfit with matching eyeshadow]]. Blue sweater, blue collared blouse with vertical stripes, blue skirt with vertical stripes, dark stockings. Everything matched well except for his grotty sneakers, which are blue but the wrong shade. He shouldn't have been wearing sneakers anyhow with this outfit. He had his typical ugly dark nail polish, two rings on his right hand, and some kind of multicolored bracelet on his left wrist. He had a headband, and his hair looked the way it has in all his recent photos. He wore his glasses. He had his black purse with all the jangly shit hanging off it. He was reading something; I couldn't tell what it was at first, but when he stood up it turned out to be the issue of [[Wikipedia:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]] with [[Tomgirl|Ms. Caitlyn Jenner]] on the cover. He uses his index finger to help him read.

Chris has a weird body type. He's pudgy, but his forearms and ankles are really skinny, so the weight gathers in the center of his body. He looks kind of like [[Wikipedia:Mr. Peanut|Mr. Peanut]]. His breasts are as small as ever and there was zero evidence of gainz.

When I first arrived there was a middle-aged woman sitting next to him. I assumed she was his public defender, but as soon as the judge arrived (at the same time I did), she went up to speak with the judge and left the room. Before she left, Chris said to her, "I'm Christine, by the way." The woman introduced herself to Chris and said goodbye. So Chris had apparently initiated smalltalk. A few minutes later Chris did a little handwave to a female lawyer who walked in, who returned the wave. He seemed to be checking out every woman who entered the courtroom.

The judge stuck around for just a few minutes and left again. A cop went around the room to ask everyone, "Are you set for 9:30?" When she asked Chris, he said, "Huh?" She repeated the question, and Chris said, "Um, yeah, I believe so."

The courtroom is small and as other field agents have mentioned, the mood is relaxed and casual, or as much as it can be with seven jerkops hanging around and three guys in the front row with manacled ankles and wrists. The judge is a black woman. She handled one case regarding probation violation before 9:30, which was done very casually and informally, while the other lawyerfolk had quiet chats and shot the breeze with the sheriffs. For the most part everyone just sat around.

The main reason why I made the last-minute decision to attend was that he's been enraged about the new blarms game, and I was hoping he'd show up with a sign demanding justice for transsexuals or something equally dramatic. Chris's mood was entirely the opposite. He was self-contained, calm, and collected. He was not angry, stressed, or nervous. He was not fidgety. It was very hard to believe that this was the person who just the day before had expressed a public wish to beat up [[Sega]] executives. He sat and read his magazine. At one point something he was reading caught his interest and he said "Hm!" suddenly, causing the woman sitting next to him (a different one) to turn her head to look at him. He seemed somewhat bored. He yawned twice, loudly, putting his hand over his mouth, which struck me as rather self-indulgent and overly dramatic.

Around 9:40, after a couple quiet cases, they called "Christian Chandler." At this point the lawyer who had defended the probation violator walked over to Chris and escorted him to the front, revealing himself as the public defender. He is young, skinny, bearded, wore tweed. He seems like a good guy, pretty relaxed. He looks like he knows his way around a college debate tournament. Right then three lawyers decided to sit down right in front of me and hold a conference, making it difficult to hear what was said. It was apparent that the first words out of the judge's mouth was that there was a continuance. Chris asked a question. The judge said it would be dealt with at the next hearing, and that he should stay in touch with his lawyer. She and the lawyer wore big patronizing smiles. They treated him like a sensitive child. Their attitude was, "Everyone is your friend, no one wants to attack you." In the previous probation case, the judge was serious and all business, because she was speaking with an adult. Here, even though macing someone is also pretty serious business, she knew she was dealing with a special individual and it was pointless to deal with him normally. So Chris has basically already won over the judge. I predict that, for better or worse, he will receive psychological treatment and very little punishment.

Chris's attorney walked him out of the courtroom, and I followed them out. They hung out on the front porch for about a minute to cover some issues. He told Chris that for the next hearing, "Be a little early like you were today." Another lawyer, a pretty young woman, joined them, and she was also all smiles. Chris complimented her clothing, and she replied, "I like your color too."

Then Chris walked the 100 feet to the curb, and I realized that [[Son-Chu]] was sitting right there, shiny and new and as blue as Sonic's arms. Since there was some controversy earlier, let me clarify that Chris is not parking illegally. The handicapped spot is adjacent to the judge's spot, and the sign is clearly marked. Chris is legally allowed to park in the handicapped spot because of his [[autism|atismu]]. I had to pay five bucks to park in a garage two blocks away.

He sat in his car for about a minute, and then drove off.

For me the most remarkable thing was how much progress Chris has made in getting over his social anxiety. He was very eager to initiate contact with any pretty woman he saw. I think it's something he should be proud of--he's not the same guy who had to post a sign on the wall because of his [[noviophobia]]. This is actually a proven method for overcoming social anxiety--the more experience you have in talking to strangers, the easier it becomes. Of course, none of this will help him find a sweetheart, because while Chris is friendly, he's also immediately off-putting. He's instantly recognizable as a weirdo.}}

===23 July hearing===
Another continuance, until 15 October, although the Christorian in attendance noted something was said about going to a therapist. Aside from this, he noted that Chris [[Cakefarts|farted]] very loudly in the middle of court, accompanied by that signature [[Stress sigh|sigh]]. Unlike the three previous hearings which Chris attended alone, Barb and a middle-aged woman thought to be [[Rocky Shoemaker|Rocky]] were also there. The Christorian was also harassed by an [[White knight|unidentified young woman]] [[Allison Amber|in red]] who tried to prevent him from filming Chris and Barb outside (where he had every right to do so) and asked about his behavior.

The Christorian also revealed that he had been notified Chris [[Chris and reality|thought he (the Christorian) had been arrested]].

{{Infobox/video
| name = Chris Leaves Court 7/23/2015
| video = {{#ev:youtube|7RmLoJ7uki0}}
| stardate = 23 [[July 2015]]
| subject = {{Other|[[Sonic Boom Protests]]}}
}}

{{Infobox/video
| name = Chris' Latest White Knight
| video = {{#ev:youtube|yZXipnejEQY}}
| stardate = 28 [[July 2015]]
| subject = {{Other|[[Sonic Boom Protests]]}}
}}

===15 October Hearing===
The ''real deal'' - Chris was found guilty. As many had foreseen, however, he was let off lightly. The Class 6 felony charge of "Dangerous Gas Unlawful Release" was amended to a charge of "Assault (Misdemeanor)." He was fined $541 and received a suspended sentence of 180 days, a sentence he'll only have to serve if he runs afoul of the law during his probation period. The terms of his probation were not clear. Chris [[Sigh|sighed]] profusely as terms were discussed. Barb showed up this time. The field report from Marvin:<ref>[[https://kiwifar.ms/threads/chriss-next-court-date-oct-15-2015.13242/page-22#post-1034829]]</ref>

{{quoteboxred|
Barb's aging. Thin, kind of frail. Might not be very responsive.

In retrospect, I don't think Chris recognized anyone. There was the guy he exchanged words with, but going over my notes, it might've been just him being paranoid of someone.

There was an old lady behind Chris talking to him a few times. I don't think it was [[Rocky]].

Chris' outfit, from what I could see, was very funny. @Rammspieler might have a picture.

Barb and Chris are way too physically intimate. It's one thing to describe their creepy relationship, it's quite another to watch it IRL. They hold hands and Chris is always putting his arm around her and rubbing her shoulders sensually. That's shit I'd do to someone I'd want to bang. Not a family member. It's weird.

There was some guy with white hair and a white suit talking to Not-Rocky. Then the [[Wikipedia:Public defender|PD]] came over and talked to Chris and Barb, with white-hair-guy and Not-Rocky in the row behind them. This is where I heard snippets referencing "six months" and something something something. I think I heard Chris stress sigh a few times and I think the PD got a little annoyed dealing with Chris. Not much, but I kinda sensed something like that. Maybe I imagined it.

After a bit, the PD went up to the judge and they called Chris up. Chris starts getting impatient with Barb. He said something like "are your ears clogged up??" and then "wanna follow me so you can hear what's going on?" Then she got up and trundled up there to accompany Chris.

This says a few things to me:

* Perhaps Barb's hearing is wearing down. This fits in with her being frail and old.

* Chris is being kind of bossy to Barb.

* Chris expects Barb to be his bookkeeper so far as his punishments go. This is confirming what we heard about at the Snyder trial.

Now, I couldn't hear anything they were saying up front. At this point, I didn't want to get hassled by Not-Rocky or whoever else was there, so I bailed and went to find Rammspieler.}}

[[File:Final Disposition .png|left|thumb|400px|Final disposition of the case.]]

Field agent Rammspieler released a video of Chris and Barb leaving the courthouse after the hearing:

{{Infobox/video
| name = Chris Saved By His Autism
| video = {{#ev:youtube|UzNJqFSDy7A}}
| stardate = 15 [[October 2015]]
| subject = {{Other|[[Sonic Boom Protests]]}}
}}

==Epilogue==
[[File:Chris burying his mace - credit to Crumbs.jpeg|thumb|Artist's depiction of Chris disposing of the pepper spray.]]
Chris's probation expired on 11 April 2016 and he paid his court costs of $541 on July 1 of that year.

A year after his assault crime, Chris commented on it in [[Group Embargo on GameStop, Best Buy, and Simon Shopping Centers]]. He claimed to be [[Chris and remorse|remorseful]] of what he had done and implored GameStop and Fashion Square Mall to unban him. He then followed up on his apology by threatening to accuse them of discriminating against "a high-functioning autistic, lesbian trans woman, famous author, with headache-inducing mental handicaps." Furthermore, he threatened to report the '''employee he had maced''' to the Better Business Bureau on suspicion that he had been holding a job at both GameStop and Best Buy.

Needless to say, Chris's bans were not overturned.

As for the mace, Chris claimed that he "had emptied the thing of pepper spray, downward into a nearby hole—big hole—outside, and disposed of said canister into the hole."

== Gallery ==
<center><gallery>
File:GameStopCville.jpg|The store in [[Charlottesville Fashion Square|Fashion Square Mall]], site of the incident.
File:Chris%27AssaultAccount.png|Chris's violently insane version of the incident.
File:PROTESTING_SANIC_BUM.jpg|The defacement Chris intended to wreak.
</gallery></center>

==[[Fan Art]]==
<center><gallery>
File:Goofytime PTSD Employ2.jpg|Retail employees will now have Chris haunting their nightmares.
File:Tomgrrllyfe.jpg|Chris after life on the inside.
File:Chris-chan as the Pepper Spray Cop.jpg|Don't call anybody!
File:Chris's strut.png|Fighting the law requires fashion!
File:Chris_in_court.jpeg| Meanwhile at Chris's trial...
File:Sonichulector1.jpg| Chris after the trial...
File:Sonichulecto3.jpg| Well Trolls, Have the lambs stopped screaming?
File:Sonichulecto2.jpg| You may be the top Graduate from The FBI Academy, but he is the most twisted and cunning criminal the world has known.
File:Phantom_Stress.jpg| Sonichu, I'm already a demon.
</gallery></center>

===[[Miiverse]] Art===
<center><gallery>
File:Ween9.png
File:Ween11.png
File:Ween12.png
File:Ween14.png
File:FileWeen15.png
File:Ween17.png
File:Ween20.png
</gallery></center>

==Video==
{{Honest}}
{{tardrage}}
{{Infobox/video
| name = Chris Chan maces a GameStop employee
| video = {{#ev:youtube|yJkjjpFM97w}}
| stardate = 27 [[December 2014]]
| subject = {{Video games|text}}, {{Violence|text}}
| style = {{Rage|text}}, {{Crazy|text}}
| saga = {{Tomgirl|text}}, {{Sonic Boom|text}}
| shirt = Manchester Sweatshirt
| previous = [[Mario_Kart_8_Videos#Wii U - Mario Kart 8 - Mario Circuit|Wii U - Mario Kart 8 - Mario Circuit]]
| next = [[Mario_Kart_8_Videos#Dry_Dry_Desert|Wii U - Mario Kart 8 - (GCN) Dry Dry Desert]]
}}

=== Transcript ===
[''A beep, most likely from the checkout machine, is heard as Chris walks near the camera. He blows a raspberry, presumably at monozettai, for a nanosecond as he passes the camera'']

'''Chris''': Don't call anybody!

[''Chris struts confidently towards the store entrance. Unintelligible background noise from other customers can be heard, a family at the counter look shocked and confused by the bizarre creature passing them.'']

'''Clerk''': [''to customer at register''] 22.10 [''laughs'']

[''Chris sprays the store's assistant manager, with pepper spray, causing him to quickly back away and raise his arms, probably in an attempt to wipe or rub his now maced eyes. A woman, likely the store's manager from Chris's description, walks into view.'']

'''Manager''': That guy wants to buy 2... [''trails off, realizing what just happened.'']

'''Ass Manager''': Whoa! Hey! [''mouths "what the fuck"'']

== Police Scanner Video ==
{{Deletedvideo}}
{{Infobox/video
| name = Police scanner
| video = {{#ev:youtube|pk-Oa8BinxE}}
| stardate = 27 [[December 2014]]
| subject = {{Video games|text}}; {{Other|[[Sonic Boom Protests]]}}
}}

===Transcript===
{{Transcription}}
{{Incomplete}}
[''The entire audio is messy, grainy and hard to hear. If there are any inaccuracies in the audio, please feel free to help.'']

'''0:00'''

'''Old cop:''' APC RP 5-7, APC--[''mumbling'']

'''Rookie:''' I'll cover it.

'''Cool cop:''' Stay there.

'''Old cop:''' He's at Fashion Square Mall. I'll get him. He's not in Shoppers World. I'm probably gonna pull up in the community and park the car. ''(CUTS OUT)'' and then...I'll go...check the car. He is described as a ''([[Stress sigh|sighs]])'' white male, 5-foot 9, with long brown hair. He was wearing two sets of glasses and [[Plush Breasts|fake breasts]]. ''(Someone in the background says "what the hell?")'' The name is supposed to be "Christopher Chandler".

'''1:00'''

'''Rural cop:''' I'll go and do it. I'm on location.

'''?:''' Okay.

'''?:''' Doin' okay.

'''?:''' Thank you, Ethan.

'''?:''' No problem.

'''?:''' Uhh... I'll be looking for seven, I'll probably be in that ''???'' mall for a little bit. Three-nine can just run it.

'''?:''' Fine, Arthur. Three-nine, you got... Yeah. He can just route a call from our phone. Okay.

'''?:''' Uh, have you sent out that thing from here, ''?????'' Thirty-nine can just draw it.

'''?:''' Uh, ''????'' and ''?????''

'''?:''' Roger.

'''2:00'''

''(SILENCE)''

'''2:26'''

'''Mike:''' ''?????''

'''Woman:''' Thank you, Mike.

'''2:32'''

''(SILENCE)''

'''3:23'''

'''?:''' Seven-six APC.

'''?:''' Copy, seven-six.

'''Rural cop:''' Someone here at the mall with Christopher Chandler. A long time here. Trespass. Banned from the mall.

'''?:''' ''????'' uh, you got ''??????''

'''4:00'''

'''Old cop:''' APC RP five-seven.

'''Rookie:''' Copy.

'''?:''' Uh, ''?????''

'''Rookie:''' That's correct.

'''Old cop:''' APC RP five-seven. ''(PAUSE) ?????'' seven-six

'''4:45'''

''(SILENCE)''

'''5:14'''

'''Ethan:''' ''???'' before seven APC

'''?:''' ''?????''

'''Ethan:''' Could I have the report number please?

'''?:''' Ethan, your number's 10725. Ten seven two five. ''(PAUSE) careful??????''

'''Ethan:''' ''????'' three units.

'''?:''' Sir, can you get me the report number ''????????''

'''?:''' ''?????'', you have, uh, 10726. Ten seven two six.

'''6:09'''

''(SILENCE)''

'''7:00'''

'''?:''' APC ''?????''

'''Woman:''' ''?????''

'''Old cop:''' ''?????'' car ''???????????????'' in the area ''????'' might have come from a house ''?????'' I'll check the ''book????''

==Fan Videos==
{|align="center"
|{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Dramatic Reading of Chris' Facebook Post
| video = {{#ev:youtube|1mNy4oamILA}}
| stardate = 29 [[December 2014]]
| maker = [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7EpM9PXIn3bTIlJYiP1xWg BrendanielReads]
| subject = 26 December 2014}}
|{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Chris Fought the Law
| video = {{#ev:youtube|M2cKgb9xU2o}}
| stardate = 30 [[December 2014]]
| maker = FavoretFox
| subject = 26 December 2014
| type = [[Parody]] of The Crickets' "I Fought the Law"}}
|-
|{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Tyrone Declares Chris Chan's Innocence
| video = {{#ev:youtube|0A2p_OgkZw0}}
| stardate = 17 [[January 2015]]
| maker = Based Tyrone
| subject = 26 December 2014}}
|{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = The Don't Call Anyone Experience
| video = {{#ev:youtube|R-Ws9ESBA0U}}
| stardate = 2 [[April 2015]]
| subject = {{Video games|text}}
| maker = C Chan
| subject = 26 December 2014}}
|}
|{{Infobox/Fanvideo
| name = Don't Call Anyone-The Musical
| video = {{#ev:youtube|SuaW5IzbnUc}}
| stardate = 5 [[October 2015]]
| subject = {{Video games|text}}
| maker = [[4chan|/v/]]
| type = [[Parody]] of "I Ran (So Far Away)" by A Flock of Seagulls
| subject = 26 December 2014}}

== See also ==
* [[Chris and the law]]
* [[GameStop]]
* [[Jail calls]]
* [[Sonic Boom Protests]]
* [[28 October 2011]]
* [[Yellow-Shirted Foe]]

==References==
<references />
{{Relics of Fail}}
{{succession|label=[[List of videos|Chris's videos]]|prevlink=[[Brushfire Video]]|nextlink=[[Mario_Kart_8_Videos#Dry_Dry_Desert|Wii U - Mario Kart 8 - (GCN) Dry Dry Desert]]}}

[[Category:Chris-chan videos, 2014]]
[[Category:Events]]
[[Category:Eyewitness Accounts]]
[[Category:Field agent videos]]