Kiwi Farms posts (The Captain)

This page is an archive of The Captain's key posts about Chris on the online forum Kiwi Farms. Posts are sorted by date.

End Games Ban

8 May 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Please elaborate.":

There's nothing to elaborate on. He had Sonichu stuck to the sign at End Games, they got a new sign, he found the old one in the trash with his loving son attached to it and rheed the fuck out.

Later, The Captain added:

I forgot to add that it was the sign they put up for Pokémon league, not their main sign. The manager in question said they Sonichu isn't a Pokémon and isn't Pokémon related and shouldn't be on the sign. You can figure out on your own how that went..

Chandler Cats

20 May 2018

[Pollo] has been showing signs of passing for a few days now, but Chris has been smart enough not to rant about it. The cat was at minimum 14 years old at adoption and could very well be near age 20. He's not abusing the cats, end of story. He's simply upset that the end is (likely) coming tonight and already broken about Sorbet.

After Pollos death:

Poor cat. Hopefully Sorbet comes back - Chris is quite beside himself right now - slept maybe an hour last night.

Chicken Breast

21 May 2018

In response to a user's comment 'I think when he says "meat", he means hot dogs or deli meat. I really doubt he knows how to cook actual food.'

Actually, he does. He cooks chicken breast nearly every day.

The Chris-Chan Extortionists

Main article: The Chris-Chan Extortionists

11 July 2018

The Captain posted in a thread on how he had intervened against the Idea Guys's manipulation over Chris.

Restricted Shows

11 July 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Did the go as far as trying to control what Chris could and couldn't watch That's...pathetic on their side, not Chris's. What shows was he "banned" from watching?."

My Little Pony as well as nearly everything else on Crunchyroll. They forced him to watch porn instead, film himself in a McDonald's parking lot talking about "concrete drowning", etc.

Identity Crisis

11 July 2018

In response to a user's comment 'Am I correct in assuming that [The Idea Guys] were responsible for Chris snapping at everyone on Twitter a while back? Please forgive my ignorance, I haven't been paying too much attention to Chrus recently.'

Chris was having an identity crisis of sorts. While speaking to him on the phone he actually started randomly screaming at nothing while covering the receiver. He was understandably very upset that he had lost so much money and evidently felt the need to rage a bit.

Convincing Chris

11 July 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Is anyone here able to go to Virginia and look after Chris's problems and set him up with long term care? Because if no one is willing to do that, Rocky may be his best bet for surviving all this and having a quiet rest of his life.":

That's actually one of the things we've been discussing. One of the best things for Chris right now is to get out from under Barb's thumb and for her to get assisted living herself. Also, Boyd's current Discord ID:

In response to another's user's comment, "@Null, @The Captain, @Marvin and anyone else I forgot- first of all, thanks for rescuing our boy. Seriously, you guys are fucking awesome. You said Chris had an "a-ha" moment with regards to the moon weapon the spergs were using to threaten him, right? Where he realized they were making things up to trick him? Is it too optimistic to wonder if he'll have similar realizations (with a little help) to shake him out of the alternate universe/Neptunia beliefs he's been posting lately?

Follow-up question: I know Wise convinced him that he was bisexual, does Chris still believe this?":

The ah-ha moment came after I had multiple lengthy discussions with Chris with @Marvin coaching me in the background. I had to convince Chris that these were indeed "bad" people and that they were hurting "fake" characters and that everything was safe and sound in Cwcville. Chris used his "mind powers" and realized that I was correct and gave us full control of all of his accounts in order to manipulate this situation and gather evidence. My personal thought is that Chris does indeed identify as bi-sexual, but I don't know if he'd actually act on it given the chance.

Idea Guy Discord Server

11 July 2018

Figured I'd upload a couple screencaps that I took of the Discord chat while @Marvin worked on his script. This gives you a pretty good idea of how they were messing with Chris and getting him to send games, gift cards, etc.

Discord Usernames

11 July 2018

Just logged into the Discord account they made Chris create for them and got the full Discord tags of all four individuals involved. From top to bottom: Joshua Wise Stephen Boyd (@NinFreakLan) Unknown (Refused to click link used to gather IPs) Unknown Canadian (@de_DEVIL_tails) Note: "Batty!#2637" still had Chris on their friend list and went offline the moment I logged on.

In response to a user's comment, "Oh, gotcha. I think you actually mentioned that earlier in the thread, so I apologize. There's a lot of information flying by. Is there currently a plan, then, to I HAVE AUTISM PLEASE LAUGH AT ME Chris off of the other Idea Guy stuff (Cunt Nugget, Neptunia goddesses, etc)? Or is prosecuting the spergs still your first priority?":

Prosecution. Chris' mental challenges are secondary at the moment. It's going to take quite a while to break him of all of this. He had actually completely written Sonichu 16 but is now going to re-do it as it was basically a Joshua Wise inspired Nazi bukkake fest with Sonichu characters. It easily would've led to his Patreon being banned.

Amnyfest Ring

16 July 2018

Significantly less than that, less than half. And why not send it back? He got the money. This ring is central to how we found out about Wise and Boyd, just FYI. Edit: Let me clarify a couple things. The amount I paid for the ring was less than its melt value in gold - that was my original thought. He was groaning about money, I sent a low offer for the ring, and he agreed. Not even a few days later (the day after it came in the mail), I find out about Chris' odd behavior (see the Wise and Boyd post) and think to myself what could I do to help? So it dawned on me - Chris is really big on shamanism and symbols (thanks @Marvin) so I simply told him that the ring was sending me morse code messages and that the idiots in Discord were lying to him. So I did a five minute photoshop of the ring glowing and sent it to Chris as well as a piece of notepaper where I wrote "The CPUs have been hacked. Don't trust the CPUs" claiming that was the morse code message. Sure enough, Chris believed it because, y'know, amnyfest ring and proceeded to give me his passwords and everything else - that's how we got to where we are today. As soon as I logged into Discord and realized that he had been forced to sell it, I told Chris that if he can come up with the couple hundred bucks I paid for it I'd send it back in a flash. Sure enough he did and I fulfilled my side or the bargain - I sent it back. Without that ring we may NEVER have found out what happened - @Null and @Marvin have known for months that I had the ring and that it was how I got in Chris' head in the first place.

Phone Sex

17 July 2018

In response to a user's comment 'Is there any audio of either of these guys fucking with Chris?'

Chris did speak with Wise on the phone, as he would force* Chris to have "phone sex" with him on what Chris said was a daily basis. I highly doubt Chris recorded any of it, but knowing Wise he probably did.

Money

20 July 2018

In response to a user's comment, "He probably raised most of it through his business. Like, in April, he had revenue of $4,284 + however much @The Captain paid for the ring, and I don't know how aware Barb is of his business income.

On the other hand, Chris had been having trouble scrounging up the money for the mortgage... the receipts Null posted shows Chris sending gift cards around mid-April, and Barb had appeared in begging videos in early April and early May asking for help to pay the mortgage. So he might've told Barb something to explain why they were short on money... but she probably would've found it incomprehensible and assumed he spent it on video games or something.":

Chris got $200 for the ring. Shipping and PayPal also got their cut from that. I'm not sure about any kind of "slush fund" his mother may have, but based off of her past spending habits and from what Chris has stated - nothing. She's going to go to the grave broke.

Reality Stone

24 July 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Not really. IIRC that was a suggestion implanted by @The Captain to get an in with Chris.":

Yes, it was. I told him the ring was actually the "reality stone" and he could change the reality of Cwcville to be whatever he wanted it to me, to include shutting out trolls that try and nuke it using moon cannons. It worked, but it looks like he latched onto it a little TOO hard.. Edit: It was a way to quickly and easily shut the trolls out. The ring is sending me messages: the Discord fags are bad. Also, the ring is reallllly the reality stone, and you can use it to "undo" everything that they've done! It got me (and subsequently Marvin and Null) in, and the trolls out, all in a 20 minute phone call. Within an hour they were shut out of everything and we had full access to every aspect of his social media.

Barb

25 July 2018

In response to a user's comment 'I think Chris would LOVE to get away from Barb. Im not saying he could, but I'm sure Barb herself just guilts Chris into staying. Probably playing mind games on him, threatening suicide and stuff. That's her M.O.

Saner people than Chris get stuck caring for an aging, abusive parent.'

She does. I've heard her scream at him on the phone.

In response to a user's comment 'We joke about Chris's fake marriages, but the poor guy has been in an abusive marriage with Barb for years now. At least magic-chan doesn't threaten to change the locks on him if he goes out for the weekend.'

He had to put new tires on her van and get a full-service oil change for Barb to agree to let him use it for Bronycon - she's always scheming something. The car won't be ready on time so it was his only option other than Amtrak or whatever.

In response to a user's comment 'Does she come across as feeble as she does in the begging videos?'

No. She does have that "death stare" as I like to call it, but she is totally and 100% there mentally. It's all for show on the videos.

Tow Truck

29 July 2018

This post was made while Chris was stranded at a gas station.

Just got off the phone with Chris. A tow truck is on the way and will drive him home. The total cost was $102 after State Farm paid a portion. I asked about his mother being mad and she was actually sad, sorry and said she would pray for him to get home safely. He said that she's "too old to get mad" and that she hasn't screamed at him in "quite a while". Chris assured me he was okay because Magi-Chan and Cryzel were there, and I gently reminded him NOT to talk to the tow truck driver about them. I can also confirm the gas station got some troll phone calls - people called claiming that Chris was begging rather than being stranded, but the employees believed Chris rather than the calls.

Anna McLerran

7 August 2018

Anna is currently stressing Chris out and he's venting to me about it. He wants everybody to be friends and insists that he wants @Null, @Marvin and I to stay in his life. Anna is blasting his ear/phone and he's coming to the people who don't stress him out.. Psychology 101!

Dementia Theory

10 August 2018

In response to a user's comment '@The Captain care to help settle this? You seem pretty sure that she doesn't have dementia and you're one of the only people on this board who has interacted with her at length.'

She's fully there mentally.. She can drive, hold a conversation, etc. But yeah I can't explain that damn stare lol

Lesser Evil

14 August 2018

In response to a user's comment, "Yep, that ring. His sister dimension crap amplified once he learned that the ring can communicate to people other than himself.":

Lesser of two evils.. He's watching his favorite TV shows again, shitting in a toilet rather than on a towel, and not bleeding out financially to buy PS Vitas and other junk for weebs in California and Kentucky.

6K Dollars

16 September 2018

In response to a user's comment 'But you can force them to have phone sex with you every day and send you 6,000 dollars USD. It's almost as if Chris gravitates toward things that are bad for him. It's probably because nothing genuinely good or constructive has ever happened to him.'

You forgot to add foregoing the use of a toilet in favor of a towel on the floor. But in all seriousness it wasn't 6k all at once but that was the cumulative figure at the point in which we took over his secondary Discord account. I can only imagine how bad it would have been now if nobody had intervened.. Towards the end they were taking $500 chunks and that was just a week or so before "Magi-Chan" communicated to Chris through the "reality stone" that they were dang dirty trolls.

Dropping the act

16 September 2018

Chris reaches out to me every few days or so but stopped the daily communication when I straight up told him the a alt-dimension stuff was a bunch of nonsense and I only used the ring flashing signals thing to get him to trust me. Even then he kept reaching out and I finally just said "leave me alone until you're ready to help yourself and drop the dimensional delusional nonsense." I did ask who gave him the Fanta idea and he simply didn't reply. He does still trust me but I refuse to get deeply involved at this point. If he just won't straight up tell me I'm not making up another story about CPUs and Magi-Chan sending coded messages to get him to spill it. I helped catch Wise and Boyd, assisted Null and Marvin in combing through his social media, etc. My good deed is done.

Megan's Guns

17 October 2018

In a thread about Chris tweeting that he was backtracking from a declaration of going to Megan Schroeder's house after learning she has guns from a "trusted source", and in response to a user's comment, "Haha captain was that you? Not a terrible ploy! I picture her having vintage German Lugers.":

I couldn't sit back on this one

In response to a user's comment 'What did you tell him? That Megan personally told you she’s waiting for Chris to roll up so she can ventilate him in her driveway, or did you just tell him she had a gun and he put the pieces together that she’d perceive him as a threat?

If the latter is true, on one hand it’s hilarious to think that he only thing stopping him isn’t the stress, discomfort and fear that he may cause Megan but the fact that she can actually retaliate'

I spoke with Megan, told her about the tweets and she said she has guns and asked me to let him know. So that's exactly what I did. I don't want Chris shot.

Megan is a Console

17 October 2018

Currently receiving a wall-o-text about Megan. Apparently her soul or something rests inside of a Nintendo console that was only released in Germany. All she has to do is state the name of said console and she will transform into a computer? Or the console? It really doesn't make much sense to me. This REEKS of Idea Guy influence.

IRL Enablers

22 October 2018

In response to a user's comment 'Didn't his friendship with you already survive you telling him his delusions were nonsense:

Why would telling him that you don't agree you're part-Sonichu be the final straw for him?'

Basically he did what he's done to others (@LoveYouLongTime, @Marvin) before.. he ignores you for a couple weeks and then comes skulking back. Right now I'm trying to coax him into telling his therapist(s)/mother/other IRL friends about what's going on so that they can delegitimize said ideas. Unfortunately, he has three other IRL "friends" that are openly endorsing said ideations so it's become a thin line to walk. If he were to go silent on me again it might very well be forever as he'd have said IRL "friends" to go back to that would continue this current mess.

Captain texts Megan

26 October 2018

This is after Chris posts Dimensional Merge Announcements.

This video legitimately makes me sad. He's very muted here.. totally not like him at all. He did text me asking me to send it to Megan so I did.. I'm waiting for her response. Edit: She's genuinely touched and really liked whoever is posting as Donald Trump. She feels bad for Chris but will not be meeting up with him under any circumstances.

Liza Updates

3 November 2018

In response to a user's comment 'I hope Chris gets pink eye & murdered in prison.

Seriously, though, any updates from @Marvin , @LoveYouLongTime , or @The Captain on the status of the kittens?'

Literally nothing. Someone on the forum who knows Chris from a local card shop offered to go to his house tomorrow and take them to a no-kill shelter. Chris said no and that Magi-Chan has stated in "his" infinite wisdom that the animals are safer with him than anywhere else.

4 November 2018

If anyone local to Charlottesville wants the black and white female, let me know. I think I can convince Chris to adopt her out. Edit: he is staunchly against the shelter.

So the kiwi who adopted the cat has stated that Chris actually did the kittens a favor by bringing them in. The conditions inside the house aren't as bad as people think, apparently. They're very sluggish, however, she expects them to liven up. Additionally, the mother cat is extremely feral and refuses to come near anybody. They're considering going back with a trap to get the mother. Edit: the dogs are extremely overweight.

Also, another interesting tidbit - Chris gave her some of the eye ointment for the cat free of charge even when she said she'd get her own. He literally pushed it on her and insisted.

5 November 2018

The person who took the kitten is an IRL nurse with a history of working with the intellectually disabled. She has expressed concern for Chris' mental health and wants to see him go in-patient for a few weeks. Personally I think daily therapy would be good for him myself.. Not necessarily in-patient but it probably wouldn't hurt.

5 November 2018

Kitties are doing fine. "Liza" ended up being a boy, though. Not sure how Chris missed that.

6 November 2018

In a thread on Liza, Patches and Sylvia, and in response to a user's comment, "I hope Liza will be alright. He looked the worst out of all of them. I was right though.

F"

Liza is actually doing well after getting a regimen of antibiotics and such. His new owner suspects they actually have pneumonia and the conjunctivitis is simply a symptom.

6 November 2018

SPCA walk-in clinic aged the orange cat at 12 weeks. Woman who adopted it from Chris took it there. The only thing is was suffering from was malnourishment and pneumonia from living outdoors so long.

7 November 2018

Orange cat is doing much better today. Instead of only moving to eat, drink and shit he's exploring his new home!

8 November 2018

I'd like everybody to meet "Tingles" - the first verified survivor in the history of the horde since the shitty legendary film critic Cole Smithey!

Death of Patches

6 November 2018

Chris has informed me that Patches died in his arms late last night. He had taken him to the vet just the day prior and truly did everything he could to help the cat. I'm posting here before it makes it to Twitter to hopefully mitigate the obvious backlash that will come.. He did everything he could.

Troll Police Calls

9 November 2018

So the police have visited Chris yet again.. seems the latest round of troll police calls is the most intense in years. Edit: and animal control Folks, the authorities have much better things to be doing with their time.. Just stop.

Car Loan Creditor

11 November 2018

Just clarified with Chris that Chrysler Capitol is the creditor for the car loan and he owes.. A lot. He wouldn't be specific which means it's likely quite a bit. Also they are indeed the ones who suggested the auction. He surrendered the car directly to them to auction, whatever that means. I didn't even know surrendering a car was a thing.

Taking a Break

20 November 2018

In response to a user's comment 'Chris leaks info like a strainer. Unless the Captain used a PO box to receive the amyfest ring, it's possible those kids has his dox too. Maybe there's a mutually assured doxxing going on.'

No Cold War. I'm taking a break. And I have a PO Box.. I've had one for years.

This was The Captain's last post on Kiwi Farms.