Difference between revisions of "Church audio"

From CWCki
Jump to navigation Jump to search
m
m
(31 intermediate revisions by 14 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
On 15 [[March 2009]], [[Robert Simmons V]] and an undercover [[Man in the Pickle Suit]] visit Chris's [[Chris and Religion|church]] and approach the [[Chris|manchild]] in the flesh unsuspectingly.
[[File:WesleyChurchPhoto.jpg|thumb|[[Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church]], [[Charlottesville, VA|Charlottesville]]]]
 
On 15 [[March 2009]], [[Robert Simmons V]] and an undercover [[Man in the Pickle Suit]] visited Chris's [[Chris and religion|church]] and approached the [[Chris|manchild]] in the flesh unsuspectingly.


The '''audio recording''' of this event lasts 1:47:48. Throughout, Chris's voice is much louder than everyone else's.
The '''audio recording''' of this event lasts 1:47:48. Throughout, Chris's voice is much louder than everyone else's.


Chris says he's keeping his distance from instant messages. He'd rather not talk about who hacked his Yahoo! account. [[Bob]] is there, but Chris reveals that [[Barbara]] usually stays home.
Chris says he's keeping his distance from instant messages. He'd rather not talk about who hacked his Yahoo! account. [[Bob Chandler|Bob]] is there, but Chris reveals that [[Barbara Chandler|Barbara]] usually stays home.


Chris excuses himself to leave Bob to talk to Robert for a few minutes. Bob talks about jerks on the internet, Chris's condition, and early video games. When Chris comes back, he realizes that it's funny both Bob and Robert have the same name.
Chris excuses himself to leave Bob to talk to Robert for a few minutes. Bob talks about jerks on the internet, Chris's condition, and early video games. When Chris comes back, he realizes that it's funny both Bob and Robert have the same name.


Chris talks about Robert's trouble with finding a [[girlfriend]]. Chris has made the final decision to talk to local girls instead of ones on the [[Internet]]. He's gotten encouragement from [[Rocky]] with ''[[How to Talk to Girls]]''. He talked to 7 girls just last Thursday at [[Alderman Library]], but got a fake number. Chris was emotionally prepared for the fake number thanks to ''Seinfeld''. Bob mentions the [[Sonichu Girls]] club.
Chris talks about Robert's trouble with finding a [[sweetheart|girlfriend]]. Chris has made the final decision to talk to local girls instead of ones on the [[Chris and the Internet|Internet]]. He's gotten encouragement from [[Rocky Shoemaker|Rocky]] with ''[[How to Talk to Girls]]''. He talked to seven girls just last Thursday at [[University of Virginia|Alderman Library]], but got a fake number. Chris was emotionally prepared for the fake number thanks to ''[[Seinfeld]]''. Bob mentions the [[Sonichu Girls]] club.


Chris rambles on about ''[[Family Guy]]'' and Stewie quoting the Bible against [[homo]]sexuality. His copy of the bible with Leviticus is different from the church's because it was a graduation gift from Reverend Shin of the Korean church in Chesterfield County. Bob talks about his time in [[CWCville|North Korea]].
Chris rambles on about ''[[Family Guy]]'' and Stewie quoting the Bible against [[homos|homosexuality]]. His copy of the Bible with Leviticus is different from the church's because it was a graduation gift from Reverend Shin of the Korean church in Chesterfield County. Bob talks about his time in [[CWCville|North Korea]].


After asking Robert for a pen, Chris makes his signature and hands it to Robert, [[Chris and his ego|saying it could be valuable one day.]]
After asking Robert for a pen, Chris makes his signature and hands it to Robert, [[Chris and his Ego|saying it could be valuable one day.]]


They start reciting verses and singing hymns for many minutes. Chris gets to pick a verse for everyone to sing. Bob gets the second pick. Then other people pick. Chris [[Autism|wails over everyone else]] in some of them.
They start reciting verses and singing hymns for many minutes. Chris gets to pick a verse for everyone to sing. Bob gets the second pick. Then other people pick. Chris [[Autism|wails over everyone else]] in some of them.


Afterward, Robert reunites with the other troll. They drive away contemplating on Leviticus, raping [[Emily]] and other unrelated nonsense.
Afterward, Robert reunites with the other troll. They drive away contemplating on Leviticus, raping [[Emily]], and other unrelated nonsense.
 
==Audio==
 
{{Infobox/Audiofile
| name          = Church Audio
| audio          = {{#ev:youtube|HTXXtxq6AnI}}
| Stardate      = 15 [[March 2009]]
| Featuring      =
| Saga          =
| previous      =
| next          =
}}


==Transcript==
==Transcript==


===00:00:00 - Pre-Troll Warmup===
===00:00:00 - Pre-Troll Warmup===
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': It's rolling now, so... (noise and pops) Is it recording still? Yes it is. Oh yeah. Not good. (a few seconds pass) Citizens of the Internet! This is Robert Simmons V, better known as Sonichufan1985, -1986 and now, -1987. I wish you all a good morning! The reason I am talking today on this voice recorder is to talk about about how I'm gonna meet Mr. Christian Chandler, my personal hero. Now, although if you're looking at my old account, Sonichufan1986, you would think that I don't like Mr. Chandler. That's a lie, a slanderous lie.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> It's rolling now, so... (noise and pops) Is it recording still? Yes it is. Oh yeah. Not good. (a few seconds pass) Citizens of the Internet! This is Robert Simmons V, better known as Sonichufan1985, -1986 and now, -1987. I wish you all a good morning! The reason I am talking today on this voice recorder is to talk about about how I'm gonna meet Mr. Christian Chandler, my personal hero. Now, although if you're looking at my old account, Sonichufan1986, you would think that I don't like Mr. Chandler. That's a lie, a slanderous lie.


(unintelligible)
(unintelligible)


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Maybe I should just talk normal. You think he wouldn't even fuckin'...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Maybe I should just talk normal. You think he wouldn't even fuckin'...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Okay, you heard Julie, right?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> OK, you heard Julie, right?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': So you heard that.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> So you heard that.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah. I'll just talk like he's probably still a threat.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah. I'll just talk like he's probably still a threat.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': (Does an impersonation of Chris, unintelligible quote) "Window to hell". Did you hear about that quote?</font> 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>[Does an impersonation of Chris, unintelligible quote] "Window to hell." Did you hear about that quote?  


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah yeah yeah, there's this retard or something...?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah yeah yeah, there's this retard or something...?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah we were talking about it on IRC and (becomes unintelligible) he-he's kind of a window to hell... and he also said that people in wheelchairs are are mentally retarded. I know. Stephen Hawking?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Yeah, we were talking about it on IRC and [becomes unintelligible] he, he's kind of a window to hell...and he also said that people in wheelchairs are are mentally retarded. I know. Stephen Hawking?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Doesn't fucking matter. He's fucking retarded. Evil Shenanigans...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Doesn't fucking matter. He's fucking retarded. Evil shenanigans...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': He thinks Clyde took Julie hostage that one time.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> He thinks [[Clyde]] took [[Julie]] hostage that one time.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': He's like, "Ok, if you don't do-if you don't say you're gay I will lop off her arm," and he said "Oh, I-I'm a gaybian." Remember that?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>He's like, "OK, if you don't do, if you don't say you're gay I will lop off her arm," and he said "Oh, I, I'm a [[gaybian]]." Remember that?</font>


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, yeah.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': (laughs)</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>[laughs]


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': (mockingly) I'm gay.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> [mockingly] I'm gay.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I'm gay.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> I'm gay.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': I'm gay.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>I'm gay.


(laughter)
[laughter]


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': I'm a male lesbian.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> I'm a male lesbian.


(unintelligible)
[unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I spoke to one of my friends after I called you and he's like, "That sucks." He's like, "Really?" (mocking) "No, not really..."</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>I spoke to one of my friends after I called you and he's like, "That sucks." He's like, "Really?" [mocking] "No, not really..."


(laughter)
(laughter)


(random chatter, mostly unintelligible, much dealing with recent happenings with Chris)
[random chatter, mostly unintelligible, much dealing with recent happenings with Chris]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Do you know what car he drives?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Do you know what car he drives?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Uh... probably the Son-chu car?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Uh...probably the [[Son-chu]] car?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Do you remember what his parents drive?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Do you remember what his parents drive?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Shit, nah... I dunno.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Shit, nah...I dunno.


(More chatter, Robert asks about a Pickle Suit)
[More chatter, Robert asks about a Pickle Suit]


===00:06:27 - A Wild Chris-Chan Appears===
===00:06:27 - A Wild Chris-Chan Appears===


(the sounds of people inside the church are heard)
[the sounds of people inside the church are heard]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Hi, I'm Robert!</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Hi, I'm Robert!


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Robert Simmons the Fifth?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Robert Simmons the Fifth?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes sir.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yes sir.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Oh my God. Ni-Nice to meet ya.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Oh my God. Ni-, nice to meet ya.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': That's good, that's good. I want to apologize my uh... my um Sonichufan1986 page was hacked by Clyde Cash, so... so I want to apologize for that in case I sent you weird emails or YouTube stuff.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>That's good, that's good. I want to apologize my uh...my um Sonichufan1986 page was hacked by [[Clyde Cash]], so...so I want to apologize for that in case I sent you weird emails or YouTube stuff.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': (chuckles) Well, I understand. Nice to meet you, Bob.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font> (chuckles) Well, I understand. Nice to meet you, Bob.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Is it okay if I come to church with you? I'm actually like here for us... you know, for my... vacation.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Is it OK if I come to church with you? I'm actually like here for us...you know, for my...vacation.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Sure, you know. You're welcome.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Sure, you know. You're welcome.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh, Thank you.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh, Thank you.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Did you uh talk to Elizabeth our pastor?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Did you, uh, talk to Elizabeth, our pastor?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh, no. Do you know where I can find her?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh, no. Do you know where I can find her?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Uh yeah, she's in her office if you want to go say hello.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Uh yeah, she's in her office if you want to go say hello.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay. (walking) Hi! I don't mean to bother, I'm just here to just uh... I'm actually we're here on vacation meeting some people... Is it okay if I come to church though?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> OK. [walking] Hi! I don't mean to bother, I'm just here to just uh...I'm actually, we're here on vacation meeting some people....Is it okay if I come to church though?


<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''': Of course!</font>
<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''':</font> Of course!


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay, awesome, thank you.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> OK, awesome, thank you.


(more walking, random chatter)
[more walking, random chatter]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': My dad... you know (drowned out by noise)</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> [[Bob|My dad]]...you know (drowned out by noise)


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Is your mom... is coming as well? Or is she feeling sick?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Is [[Barb|your mom]]...is coming as well? Or is she feeling sick?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': No... No she usually stays home.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> No...No, she usually stays home.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I see. So how's everything with you?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> I see. So how's everything with you?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': [[Stress sigh|'sigh']] Things have been going good. Keepin... Keeping my distance from the ah instant messages and whatnot. Kind of... you know. It's been peaceful. Unfortunately the Sonichu site has been... uh... has been down for uh... 'bout a week-r... 'bout a week or two. Since uh... Yeah since my Yahoo account got... got uh hacked into... and all tha-and all that jazz.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> [[Stress sigh|"sigh"]] Things have been going good. Keepin', keeping my distance from the, ah, instant messages and whatnot. Kind of, you know. It's been peaceful. Unfortunately the Sonichu site has been...uh...has been down for uh, 'bout a week r-, 'bout a week or two. Since uh yeah, since my Yahoo account got, got uh, hacked into...and all tha-, and all that jazz.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Mhm. Do you know who hacked it?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Mm. Do you know who hacked it?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': 'sigh' Yep. But I'd rather-I'd rather not talk about it.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> 'sigh' Yep. But I'd rather, I'd rather not talk about it.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay. That's fine.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> OK. That's fine.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': So did you hear about uh... did you hear about my recent, uh... internet romance with uh... [[BlueSpike#Julie|Julie Movanya]]?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> So did you hear about uh, did you hear about my recent, uh, internet romance with uh, [[BlueSpike#Julie|Julie Movanya]]?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Let me turn off my cell phone... Um...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Let me turn off my cell phone...Um...


===00:09:18 - In Walked Bob===
===00:09:18 - In Walked Bob===


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah, me too... Oh, [[Bob Chandler|Dad]], this is Robert Simmons the Fifth one of my Sonichu fans!</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Yeah, me too...Oh, [[Bob Chandler|Dad]], this is Robert Simmons the Fifth, one of my Sonichu fans!


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': How's it going, Mr. Chandler?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> How's it going, Mr. Chandler?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': This is my father, Robert.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> This is my father, Robert.


'''Bob Chandler''': Let me just go on by ya here... Let me just go on by ya here...
'''Bob Chandler''': Let me just go on by ya here...Let me just go on by ya here...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh, thank you sir.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh, thank you sir.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': (unintelligible)</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>[unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': How is everything?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> How is everything?


'''Bob Chandler''': I'm good.   
'''Bob Chandler''': I'm good.   


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': That's good.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>That's good.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': I'll let you two chat for a bit I've gotta go (unintelligible)</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> I'll let you two chat for a bit, I've gotta go [unintelligible].


'''Bob Chandler''': Chris is really into that stuff.  
'''Bob Chandler''': Chris is really into that stuff.  


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, so... Yeah... I'm sure that, like... I've heard there's, like, a lot of things going on, though.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, so, yeah, I'm sure that, like, I've heard there's, like, a lot of things going on, though.


'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, he's got enemies all over the world.
'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, he's got enemies all over the world.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah...


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah... it's just a lot of jerks online.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah, it's just a lot of jerks online.


'''Bob Chandler''': I'm 81... and I've seen a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot. But uh, whenever you're successful at something, from my experience, there are people that don't like that and they're out to get you for it.
'''Bob Chandler''': I'm 81...and I've seen a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot. But uh, whenever you're successful at something, from my experience, there are people that don't like that and they're out to get you for it.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, people can't, you know, appreciate some success and be happy for them you have to feel jealousy for it though...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, people can't, you know, appreciate some success and be happy for them you have to feel jealousy for it though...


'''Bob Chandler''': (laughs) Yeah, they want to knock you down.   
'''Bob Chandler''': [laughs] Yeah, they want to knock you down.   


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah.


'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, you know he's a high-functioning autistic, but he's come a looong way. I can remember, I was ticked off when he was six, and we were working with him and we didn't know what was wrong with him, and yet he didn't have the diagnosis.
'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, you know he's a high-functioning autistic, but he's come a looong way. I can remember, I was ticked off when he was six, and we were working with him and we didn't know what was wrong with him, and yet he didn't have the diagnosis.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': mhm.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Mm.


'''Bob Chandler''': I have a Commodore 64. If you've ever heard of those...
'''Bob Chandler''': I have a Commodore 64. If you've ever heard of those...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, yeah! Um, my-my dad had one of those though, he also had... I think it's called Amiga?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah, yeah! Um, my, my dad had one of those though, he also had, I think it's called Amiga?


'''Bob Chandler''': That's an actual system. Anyway, I taught him how to do that, and he was loading discs on that Commodore 64 and playing with it before he could talk.  
'''Bob Chandler''': That's an actual system. Anyway, I taught him how to do that, and he was loading discs on that Commodore 64 and playing with it before he could talk.  


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': (laughs)</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> [laughs]


'''Bob Chandler''': And of course after that... they came along with all sorts of video games.
'''Bob Chandler''': And of course after that, they came along with all sorts of video games.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, yeah.


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible) We got one of the first Nintendos... (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible] We got one of the first Nintendos... [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, I know how that is.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah, I know how that is.


'''Bob Chandler''': I remember this one, what did they call it? Mario World?
'''Bob Chandler''': I remember this one, what did they call it? Mario (pronounces it as Mare-rio) World?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, I've heard of that.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah, I've heard of that.


'''Bob Chandler''': That one's I spent 150-200 levels... and and after I got through King Koopa... I couldn't get off of Yoshi's Island... and I'm an engineer... or was. I'm retired now.
'''Bob Chandler''': That one's I spent 150-200 levels...and and after I got through King Koopa...I couldn't get off of Yoshi's Island...and I'm an engineer... or was. I'm retired now.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Uh huh.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Uh huh.


'''Bob Chandler''': And I couldn't remember how to get off of Yoshi's Island... I couldn't remember what was coming next, well he got up to King Koopa in two days.
'''Bob Chandler''': And I couldn't remember how to get off of Yoshi's Island...I couldn't remember what was coming next. Well, he got up to King Koopa in two days.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': (suddenly reappears) Haha, did you get a copy of this week's bulletin?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> [suddenly reappears] Ha ha, did you get a copy of this week's bulletin?


'''Bob Chandler''': He gets these games and I'm the one who ends up paying for them and he keeps them-
'''Bob Chandler''': He gets these games and I'm the one who ends up [[Monthly tugboat|paying for them]] and he keeps them-


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Haha, there's always renting, though. So... you could just go to Blockbuster and rent games for a couple days.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Ha ha, there's always renting, though. So...you could just go to Blockbuster and rent games for a couple days.


'''Bob Chandler''': I wish he'd do that, it'd save him some money.
'''Bob Chandler''': I wish he'd do that, it'd save him some money.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Hmm.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Hmm.


'''Bob Chandler''': Save me some money...
'''Bob Chandler''': Save me some money...


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Father, game's not so easy to beat nowadays... plus there's (unintelligible)</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Father, game's not so easy to beat nowadays...plus they take a lot of effort.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, that is true.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah, that is true.


'''Bob Chandler''': You go to school here?
'''Bob Chandler''': You go to school here?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': No, um I actually live in Christiansburg, So I'm meeting some-</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> No, um, I actually live in Christiansburg, so I'm meeting some-


'''Bob Chandler''': You live in Christiansburg?
'''Bob Chandler''': You live in Christiansburg?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes sir.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yes sir.


'''Bob Chandler''': That's a long drive.
'''Bob Chandler''': That's a long drive.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes sir, it is.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yes sir, it is.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah...</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Yeah...


'''Bob Chandler''': That's up there near VPI, right?
'''Bob Chandler''': That's up there near VPI, right?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes sir, Virginia Tech.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yes sir, Virginia Tech.


'''Bob Chandler''': I was in (unintelligible) for a lot of years.
'''Bob Chandler''': I was in Roanoke for a lot of years.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh really?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh, really?


'''Bob Chandler''': I worked for GE down there for about 15 years, then got transferred to uh (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': I worked for GE down there for about 15 years, then got transferred to, uh, [unintelligible].


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Mhm.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Mm.


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible) I like the Johnson area, it's beautiful there.
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible] I like the Johnson area, it's beautiful there.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Very pretty. Yeah, I was driving down here this-uh this morning though and I was surprised though. I-I've never really been here (unintelligible) I have a couple of friends here, and... it was really foggy though. Um, I believe that it was 64?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Very pretty. Yeah, I was driving down here this, uh, this morning though and I was surprised though. I, I've never really been here. [unintelligible] I have a couple of friends here, and...it was really foggy though. Um, I believe that it was 64?


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah.


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


===00:14:26 - The Love Quest Continues===
===00:14:26 - The Love Quest Continues===


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': (interrupts) Oh...Hey, uh father did uh Bob here tell ya that uh... you know it's funny you both are named Robert better yet you could both be called Bob! Yeah, anyway uh... he-uh he's been having trouble finding himself girlfriends too.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> [interrupts] Oh...hey, uh father, did, uh, Bob here tell ya that uh...You know, it's funny, you both are named Robert; better yet, you could both be called Bob! Yeah, anyway uh, he, uh, he's been having trouble finding himself girlfriends too.


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah, by the way Bob, by the way Bob, uh for your information, uh... I've actually uh... after I spaced myself from the internets I made the fond decision to go back into uh local areas and start talking to girls, so I go-got some encouragement from Rocky. I also uh, I looked at this little uh, short picture-short uh red picture book by uh... that came from a 9-year old. Called "How to Talk to Girls".</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Yeah, by the way Bob, by the way Bob, uh, for your information, uh...I've actually uh...,after I spaced myself from the internets I made the fond decision to go back into uh, local areas and start talking to girls, so I go-, got some encouragement from [[Rocky]]. I also uh, I looked at this little uh, short picture, short uh, red picture book by uh...that came from a nine year old. Called "How to Talk to Girls."


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': hmm. mhm.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Hmm. Mm.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': It's by... Alec... Goldwin? Something like that? Anywa-Anyway it's like ten dollars. It's a good book.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>It's by...Alec...Goldwin? Something like that? Anywa-, anyway it's like ten dollars. It's a good book.


'''Bob Chandler''': You should tell him he's gotta (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': You should tell him he's gotta [unintelligible].


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': yeah... Isn't there a dating service? That... isn't there? I'm sure there's a dating services around here, right?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah...Isn't there a dating service? That...isn't there? I'm sure there's a dating services around here, right?


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': yeah, yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah, yeah.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Anyway, I talked to seven girls uh this last Thursday over at uh... Alderman library. So that was-that was a big start for me. I mana-I managed to get a phone number out of one of them but unfortunately it was a fa-Unfortunately it was a bad number. You know...</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Anyway, I talked to seven girls, uh, this last Thursday over at uh...[[University of Virginia|Alderman Library]]. So that was, that was a big start for me. I mana-, I managed to get a phone number out of one of them, but unfortunately it was a fa-, unfortunately it was a bad number. You know...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Maybe, did you...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Maybe, did you...


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': The number wasn't-It wasn't a number that was in service.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>The number wasn't, it wasn't a number that was in service.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh...


'''Bob Chandler''': (In the background, unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [In the background, unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': mhm.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Mm.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': F-F-Fortunately I was prepared for that... you know. (pauses for a few seconds) Anyway I was emotionally prepared for that, you know 'cause I'd seen a similar situation in an episode of Seinfeld... where... it was one where Elaine was giving was giving a fake phone number to most of the guys she met? And it went to this, uh... racing bet booth? And she's try-and at the end of the episode she's trying to... she-wrote the number on the back of her-on the back of a card that she ha-that she's like once punch away from getting a free sub! And she wanted that free sub!</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> F-f-fortunately, I was prepared for that...you know. [pause] Anyway I was emotionally prepared for that, you know, 'cause I'd seen a similar situation in an episode of ''[[Seinfeld]]''... where...it was one where Elaine was giving was giving a fake phone number to most of the guys she met? And it went to this, uh...racing bet booth? And she's try, and at the end of the episode she's trying to...she wrote the number on the back of her, on the back of a card that she ha-, that she's like once punch away from getting a free sub! And she wanted that free sub!


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': (laughs)</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>[laughs]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': It's a funny episode... it's a funny episode... you watch Seinfeld?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>It's a funny episode, it's a funny episode. You watch ''[[Seinfeld]]''?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Um... I used to, though, but, I don't think at least where I'm from they don't really show it anymore though.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Um...I used to, though, but, I don't think, at least where I'm from, they don't really show it anymore though.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': You can find it on the FOX stations or TBS...</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>You can find it on the FOX stations or TBS...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': oh, okay.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh, OK.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah, actually you know two back-to-back episodes most every night 7, 7:30 on TBS.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Yeah, actually you know two back-to-back episodes most every night 7, 7:30 on TBS.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': mhm... they also have Family Guy on TBS.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Mm...They also have Family Guy on TBS.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah, hey. Did you see the latest episode of Family Guy?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Yeah, hey. Did you see the latest episode of Family Guy?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Probably not, no... I don't think so, it was-</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Probably not, no...I don't think so, it was-


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': It was last Sun-it was last Sunday. They isolated - and injected into Peter - the gay gene.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> It was last Sun-, it was last Sunday. They isolated, and injected into Peter, the gay gene.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh really?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh really?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': It lasted for only two and a half weeks. Durli-d-d-during th-during like the first quarter of the-ah the episode, Peter bought for two dollars... a mentally challenged horse. Brain damaged. It was like-he was li-he always gave him like this blank stare...</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> It lasted for only two and a half weeks. Durli-, d-d-during th-, during like the first quarter of the, ah the episode, Peter bought for two dollars...a [[Slow-in-the-minds|mentally challenged]] horse. Brain damaged. It was like, he was li-, he always gave him like this blank stare...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': uh huh... so what'd he do with the horse?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Uh huh...so what'd he do with the horse?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': (chuckles) He put th-He put the horse in the race and then the horse-</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> (chuckles) He put th-, he put the horse in the race and then the horse-


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Did it win?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Did it win?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': No.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>No.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': (Laughs)</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> [laughs]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': No, but the horse ran into the crowd and uh cause a whole bunch of chaos and then the horse died of a heart attack from the excitement.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>No, but the horse ran into the crowd and, uh, cause a whole bunch of chaos, and then the horse died of a heart attack from the excitement.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': ohhh.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Ohhh.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': And Peter chucked it into Mort's drug store... Mort's pharmacy.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> And Peter chucked it into Mort's drug store...Mort's pharmacy


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': ahh... hmm.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Ahh...Hmm.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': And Mort's was like, "Oh, I like the days where they'd just throw... they'd just throw uh poo in a bag and uh...</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>And Mort's was like, "Oh, I like the days where they'd just throw, they'd just throw, uh, poo in a bag," and uh,-


'''Bob Chandler''': (In the background, unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [in the background, unintelligible]


===00:18:10 - Seth MacFarlane & The Bible===
===00:18:10 - Seth MacFarlane & The Bible===


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah but anyway, later on in- but anyway... Ahh but anyway later on in the same episode, uh Stewie... brings up a quote... from the Bible, That pretty much uh... spells out for-spells out best in a nutshell, which I did a short-</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Yeah but anyway, later on in, but anyway, ahh but anyway, later on in the same episode, uh Stewie...brings up a quote...from the Bible, that pretty much uh, spells out for, spells out best in a nutshell, which I did a short-


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, I saw that though... Leviticus?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah, I saw that though...Leviticus?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah, Leviticus 18:22. 'sigh' Right there. "No man will lie with a man as one lies with a woman. It is detestable." And then you can read the, uh... read the uh beforehand about uh... what was said to Moses, yadda yadda yadda, and then in the end what happens to those who... commit any of these uh... rules that are unlawful... in sexual relations includi-including animals. Doing it with animals, that's-that's just... detestable and bogus...</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Yeah, Leviticus 18:22. [sigh] Right there. "No man will lie with a man as one lies with a woman. It is detestable." And then you can read the, uh, read the uh, beforehand about uh, what was said to Moses, yadda yadda yadda, and then in the end what happens to those who...commit any of these uh...rules that are unlawful...in sexual relations includi-, including animals. Doing it with animals, that's, that's just...detestable and bogus.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': What page is that? 101?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>What page is that? 101?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': No no, it's- uh well mine's a different bible from theirs but you're-you're in the right area. Leviticus 18:22.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> No no, it's, uh, well, mine's a different Bible from theirs, but you're, you're in the right area. Leviticus 18:22.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Alright...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Alright...


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah, my Bible is uh... different from the church's, uh... from this church's bible. I got mine from our uh... Reverend Shin of the uh... Korean church in Chesterfield County, dad?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Yeah, my Bible is uh, different from the church's, uh, from this church's Bible. I got mine from our uh, Reverend Shin of the uh, Korean church in Chesterfield County, dad?


'''Bob Chandler''': That's right. It was Presbyterian... I wonder where they come for church... anyway they're mostly Presbyterian...
'''Bob Chandler''': That's right. It was Presbyterian...I wonder where they come for church...Anyway, they're mostly Presbyterian...


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah...</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Yeah...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': mhm.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Mm.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Anyway, it was a graduation gift from them.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Anyway, it was a graduation gift from them.  


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh.


'''Bob Chandler''': (mostly unintelligible, what can be heard mentions spending time in North Korea)
'''Bob Chandler''': [mostly unintelligible, what can be heard mentions spending time in [[CWCville|North Korea]]]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Yeah, North Korea in the Signal Corps, right dad?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Yeah, North Korea in the Signal Corps, right dad?


'''Bob Chandler''': Before the Korean war, I was in Korea (the rest of the story becomes unintelligible due to crowd noise)
'''Bob Chandler''':< Before the Korean war, I was in Korea [the rest of the story becomes unintelligible due to crowd noise].


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': I will!</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>I will!


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': oh okay</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh, OK.


'''Bob Chandler''': (assumed he continues his story, unintelligible due to crowd noise)
'''Bob Chandler''': [assumed he continues his story, unintelligible due to crowd noise]


As Bob continues his story, Chris mumbles something.
As Bob continues his story, Chris mumbles something, probably looking through the Bible.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Oh, Chapter One... 18.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Oh, Chapter One...18.


Bob continues talking, while Chris mumbles a bit more and does a "hmm" now and again. We hear shuffling through the pocket where the recorder is hidden.
Bob continues talking, while Chris mumbles a bit more and does a "hmm" now and again. We hear shuffling through the pocket where the recorder is hidden.


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Um...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Um...


'''Bob Chandler''': Blacksburg is over... over by there, isn't it?
'''Bob Chandler''': Blacksburg is over, over by there, isn't it?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, they're-they're... Christiansburg and Blacksburg are right next to each other. Um... I had to go to 81 before I could get to 64.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, they're-they're, Christiansburg and Blacksburg are right next to each other. Um...I had to go to 81 before I could get to 64.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': hmmm</font>  
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Hmmm.


'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, 81 goes for a while then you make a turn and go north. (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': Yeah, 81 goes for a while then you make a turn and go north. [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, real foggy too and-</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, real foggy too and-


'''Bob Chandler''': You drove down this morning, then?
'''Bob Chandler''': You drove down this morning, then?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, fog and-I-I was wondering why they had lights on the road until it's all...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, fog and, I, I was wondering why they had lights on the road until it's all...
   
   
'''Bob Chandler''': Well now you know... Yeah, that's... that's a pretty good drive (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': Well now you know....Yeah, that's, that's a pretty good drive [unintelligible].


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Hmmm.</font>  
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Hmmm.


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, it's about two and a half.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, it's about two and a half.


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': (chuckles)</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>[chuckles]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': hmmm.</font>  
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Hmmm.


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': (laughs)</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> [laughs]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': hmmm.</font>  
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Hmmm.


'''Bob Chandler''': That's the big blue ridge where we are... we live... we live just north of here in Ruckersville, and off to the west (unintelligible) about seven-eight miles (unintelligible)... you can see it from our front door.
'''Bob Chandler''': That's the big blue ridge where we are...We live, we live just north of here in Ruckersville, and off to the west [unintelligible] about seven, eight miles [unintelligible]...You can see it from our front door.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': hmm.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Hmm.


'''Bob Chandler''': In fact the western edge of it goes right along the parkway.
'''Bob Chandler''': In fact, the western edge of it goes right along the parkway.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': oh really?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh, really?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Uh Bob, would you-would you like to sign the registration pad?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Uh Bob, would you, would you like to sign the registration pad?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Sure.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Sure.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Ju-Just sign it on this line, and you can optionally put in your phone number and address-</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Ju-, just sign it on this line, and you can optionally put in your phone number and address-


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': okay.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> OK.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': -you don't have to.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> You don't have to.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': ...alright</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> ...Alright.


===00:23:38 - The Service Begins===
===00:23:38 - The Service Begins===


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': here, you can have that back.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Here, you can have that back.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Thanks... oh, just put it back in the pew.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Thanks...Oh, just put it back in the pew.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': oh, okay.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh, OK.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': There's one in the pew.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>There's one in the pew.


(30 seconds later...)
[30 seconds later...]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Hey, lemme see your pen for a second there, Bob.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Hey, lemme see your pen for a second there, Bob.


(30 seconds later...)
[30 seconds later...]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': There ya are. You hold onto that, 'cause that could be valuable one day.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>There ya are. You hold onto that, 'cause that could be valuable one day.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': ...sure.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> ...Sure.


(something is mentioned about the piano needing to be fixed, it is turned into a joke about firewood)
[something is mentioned about the piano needing to be fixed, it is turned into a joke about firewood]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': aww</font>  
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Aww.


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': that's horrible</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> That's horrible.


===00:26:19-1:33:00 - Churching Highlights===
===00:26:19-1:33:00 - Churching Highlights===
Line 476: Line 490:
'''00:28:37 (Chris is chosen to pick a Hymn)'''
'''00:28:37 (Chris is chosen to pick a Hymn)'''


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Ah... let's do verse one of 733.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Ah...let's do verse one of 733.


(Chris chooses Marching to Zion and sings loudly and off-key)
(Chris chooses Marching to Zion and sings loudly and off-key)
Line 484: Line 498:
'''Bob Chandler''': 95.
'''Bob Chandler''': 95.


<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''': 95?</font>
<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''':</font> 95?


'''Bob Chandler''': (unintelligible)
'''Bob Chandler''': [unintelligible]


<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''': 95... and do you have a favorite verse?</font>
<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''':</font> 95...and do you have a favorite verse?


'''Bob Chandler''': The one and only.
'''Bob Chandler''': The one and only.


<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''': There's only one?</font>
<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''':</font> There's only one?


(People in the church chuckle while Chris laughs loudly)
[People in the church chuckle while Chris laughs loudly]


(The Hymn starts and Chris once again sings loudly and off-key)
[The Hymn starts and Chris once again sings loudly and off-key]


(A Hymn with a ridiculous page number is called out)
[A Hymn with a ridiculous page number is called out]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': I'm looking... 2235 B? Oh. Oh, here it is.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> I'm looking...2235 B? Oh. Oh, here it is.


(Chris continues to sing the rest of the hymns off-key and loudly)
[Chris continues to sing the rest of the hymns off-key and loudly]




===00:48:15 (Other High Functioning Autistics)===
===00:48:15 (Other High Functioning Autistics)===


(Elizabeth is talking about a new family in the parish)
[Elizabeth is talking about a new family in the parish]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Dawson is their, uh... their autistic son. He's high functioning autistic.</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>Dawson is their, uh, their autistic son. He's high-functioning autistic.




===01:33:35 - TTE:  TACTICAL TROLL EXTRACTION===
===01:33:35 - TTE:  TACTICAL TROLL EXTRACTION===
<font color="#9932CC">'''Not Elizabeth''': Hi, your name's Robert?</font>
<font color="#9932CC">'''Not Elizabeth''':</font> Hi, your name's Robert?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yes.


<font color="#9932CC">'''Not Elizabeth''': Very nice to meet you. Very good to have you here today!</font>
<font color="#9932CC">'''Not Elizabeth''':</font> Very nice to meet you. Very good to have you here today!


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Thank you. I like this place, a lot.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Thank you. I like this place, a lot.


<font color="#9932CC">'''Not Elizabeth''': Good! Well, hope you come back some day!</font>
<font color="#9932CC">'''Not Elizabeth''':</font> Good! Well, hope you come back some day!


(Chris and Robert are talking. It is impossible to understand them due to the organ)
[Chris and Robert are talking. It is impossible to understand them due to the organ]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay, well you take it easy, okay?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> OK, well you take it easy, OK?


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': (unintelligible due to crowd noise)</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': </font>[unintelligible due to crowd noise]


(much of the rest of the conversation is unintelligible because of the crowd)
[much of the rest of the conversation is unintelligible because of the crowd]


<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''': Well, you take care, okay?</font>
<font color="#CD2626">'''Chris''':</font> Well, you take care, OK?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Okay.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> OK.


===01:36:04 - "That's that"===
===01:36:04 - "That's that"===


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': You know, it's very odd 'cause... for such a progressive church though, he was reading Leviticus and shit. Well... he got that from Family Guy.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>You know, it's very odd 'cause...for such a progressive church, though, he was reading Leviticus and shit. Well...he got that from Family Guy.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': He looks... for any justification he can find. So what did he say to you?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>He looks...for any justification he can find. So what did he say to you?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh nothing... we were just talking and shit, yeah. He told me... like, he knew I was in Australia or some bullshit?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh nothing...We were just talking and shit, yeah. He told me...like, he knew I was in Australia or some bullshit?


(both break into laughter)
[both break into laughter]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I got a souvenir too, by the way. By-By the way, I need to turn off the goddamn thing...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>I got a souvenir too, by the way. By, by the way, I need to turn off the goddamn thing...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, whatever, I mean...</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah, whatever, I mean...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': (commenting on traffic)...I should have gone... oh well.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> [commenting on traffic]...I should have gone...oh well.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Fuckin' awesome haha</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Fuckin' awesome. Ha ha.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I met him, I... you know, I have his cell phone number, which I guess, like, everyone already has.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>I met him, I...you know, I have his cell phone number, which I guess, like, everyone already has.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': So I think I might actually call him on my cellphone. Hopefully like he won't give it away...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> So I think I might actually call him on my cellphone. Hopefully like he won't give it away...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Probably not.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Probably not.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I don't know... Pretty badass, huh?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> I don't know...Pretty badass, huh?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Yeah.


(both break into laughter)
[both break into laughter]


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': I think he'll recognize me when I steal his girl, when I steal his date.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>I think he'll recognize me when I steal his girl, when I steal his date.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Ugh... well, maybe you should get makeup or something. Green, green makeup.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Ugh...well, maybe you should get makeup or something. Green, green makeup.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': I... I don't really give a fuck.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>I, I don't really give a fuck.


<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''': I do! Fuck, man! (laughs)</font>
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':</font> I do! Fuck, man! [laughs]


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': No no no I don't think he'll connect me and you</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>No no no, I don't think he'll connect me and you.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Well, okay. Well maybe, you know, that would explain your spying on us, like that would explain the recordings and shit, you know?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Well, OK. Well maybe, you know, that would explain your spying on us, like that would explain the recordings and shit, you know?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.


(both laugh)
[both laugh]
 
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': You'd better edit this shit to where I'm not saying "shit", you know it's always like, it's always like, it's always like...</font>


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': (makes noise)</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> You'd better edit this shit to where I'm not saying "shit," you know, it's always like, it's always like, it's always like...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> [makes noise]
(both laugh)
(both laugh)


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh, God... I don't want Clyde to have this shit image because he seemed like such a nice guy, dude!</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh, God...I don't want Clyde to have this shit image because he seemed like such a nice guy, dude!
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Aww!</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh yeah, look at this... did you see this?</font>


(It can be assumed Robert is showing the Troll the signature given to him by Chris)
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Aww!


(both laugh)
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh yeah, look at this...did you see this?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Oh my God...</font>
[It can be assumed Robert is showing the Troll the signature given to him by Chris]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh yeah, look at this... did you see this?</font>
[both laugh]


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Well, I wrote down, um... what, uh... which...what things he recommended...</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Oh my God...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh yeah, look at this... Did you see this?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Marching to Zion, and Bob suggested Praise God from All... From all of our Saints Blood</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font>Well, I wrote down, um, what, uh...which...what things he recommended...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': This just... what's so funny, what's so interesting I find is Bob, you know, the Lumberjack, is bad-ass, though. He's a really pleasant guy, though.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah yeah</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Marching to Zion, and Bob suggested "Praise God from All"...from all of our Saints Blood.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Um... the only problem I feel sorry for is he tried to justify like Chris and shit. Like, apparently like back when he was 6 he couldn't even talk.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> This just...What's so funny, what's so interesting I find is Bob, you know, the Lumberjack, is bad-ass, though. He's a really pleasant guy, though.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah, yeah.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': and uh, you know, 'cause he's fucking autistic</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Um...the only problem I feel sorry for is he tried to justify, like Chris and shit. Like, apparently like back when he was six he couldn't even talk.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': right, right... God has a mute button on him, that's what he says.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Yeah?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': ...what?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> And uh, you know, 'cause he's fucking autistic.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Chris says that God put the mute button on him.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Right, right...God has a mute button on him, that's what he says.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh... well, yeah. Anyways, um... other than being really SHITTY by the way, everybody - It's still all recording - Anyways... hopefully this will provide some entertainment for people, I dunno. But anyways, so um... - what the hell am I saying? oh yeah - so um... (laughs) God... DAMN! (laughs) That dude, you know... you know, it seemed like, "What the hell is that guy wearing a fucking Hardees jacket?  You know, that guy looks really fucking sketchy as hell!" (troll laughs) And I go, "Mr. Chandler?" And he go-And he didn't know me for a second. "I'm Robert Simmons Fifth", and h-and he knew me, it's like, and he still thinks I'm awesome!</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> ...What?


(both laugh)
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Chris says that God put the mute button on him.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I'm so happy! you know...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh...well, yeah. Anyways, um, other than being really SHITTY by the way, everybody, it's still all recording....Anyways, hopefully this will provide some entertainment for people, I dunno. But anyways, so um...what the hell am I saying? oh yeah, so um...[laughs] God... DAMN! [laughs] That dude, you know...you know, it seemed like, "What the hell, is that guy wearing a fucking Hardees jacket? You know, that guy looks really fucking sketchy as hell!" [troll laughs] And I go, "Mr. Chandler?" And he go, and he didn't know me for a second. "I'm Robert Simmons Fifth", and h-, and he knew me, it's like, and he still thinks I'm awesome!


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Aw yeah, that's awesome.</font>
[both laugh]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah... but he gave me his cell phone number which I've-I have to call him up. I can't wait to show my fucking buddies at Tech, man.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> I'm so happy! You know...


(both laugh)
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Aw yeah, that's awesome.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': That's pretty funny, man!</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah...but he gave me his cell phone number which I've, I have to call him up. I can't wait to show my fucking buddies at Tech, man.


(both laugh)
[both laugh]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I don't kn-I would lend it to you if you have a scanner or something like that...</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> That's pretty funny, man!


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': I don't have a scanner.</font>
[both laugh]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': I'll have to scan it at my, uh... at my fucking campus</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> I don't kn-, I would lend it to you if you have a scanner or something like that...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, it's cool, man... fucking awesome. You have a piece of internet history right here</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> I don't have a scanner.


(both laugh)
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>I'll have to scan it at my, uh...at my fucking campus.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh my God... comin' from the guy who's driving a fucking white truck with the Obama sticker yeahhhhhh... I'm so happy I didn't have to do, (in Robert Simmons YouTube voice) "MR. CHANDLER!", you know? I'm so happy. I guess you can contribute that to being really nervous online or something like that, but... anyways, apparently Robert the Lumberjack, before he was a lumberjack, I should say - He was an engineer, worked for like GE, and he's been like-</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Yeah, it's cool, man...fucking awesome. You have a piece of internet history right here.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, yeah</font>
[both laugh]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': So he's pretty badass...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Oh my God...comin' from the guy who's driving a fucking white truck with the Obama sticker, yeahhhhhh....I'm so happy I didn't have to do, [in Robert Simmons YouTube voice] "MR. CHANDLER!," you know? I'm so happy. I guess you can contribute that to being really nervous online or something like that, but...Anyways, apparently Robert the Lumberjack, before he was a lumberjack, I should say, he was an engineer, worked for like GE, and he's been like-


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Well well, he k-well, Chris keeps on going on about how Bob invented plastic. That's what he tells people.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah, yeah.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh shit.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>So he's pretty bad-ass...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': He tells people that Bob invented that. Now what Bob actually did was... he designed the controls for one of th- for one of th-the first plastic molding machines.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Well well, he k-, well, Chris keeps on going on about how Bob invented plastic. That's what he tells people.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Mmhm</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh shit.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Now... I think that probably Bob was probably just some sort of like low-level engineer or some shit like that... Now he's a cool guy, I'm just saying, I don't think-</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> He tells people that Bob invented that. Now what Bob actually did was, he designed the controls for one of th-, for one of th-, the first plastic molding machines.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': He's not the plastic maker...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Mm-hm.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': yeah</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Now...I think that probably Bob was probably just some sort of like low-level engineer or some shit like that....Now he's a cool guy, I'm just saying, I don't think-


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': That's more like, chemistry, I would think.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>He's not the plastic maker...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': You could probably take another person, another engineer and replace Bob with him and you'd get the exact same fucking thing.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> That's more like, chemistry, I would think.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Now, Bob's a cool guy, Bob's a, Bob's a lovable guy.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> You could probably take another person, another engineer and replace Bob with him and you'd get the exact same fucking thing.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': He is so... He is so awesome, though. Seriously. I actually, you know, I think people might be pissed when they're hearing this shit, 'cause like... I actually talked more to Bob 'cause he was interesting as fuck, though, and like, you know telling me about like the Commodore 64 and how, you know, before fucking Chris could speak, he was playing video games, though. And how, according to him (Bob voice) "124 levels, tryin' to get to Koopa" And he pulls out Yoshi's Island and I'm like, "Dude, you're talking about fuckin' four different games, dumbass." But, whatever, you know, he's old... I could see me saying that to my grandma, "Yeah, whatever grandma... Japan's awesome. right." So...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah...


(both laugh)
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Now, Bob's a cool guy, Bob's a, Bob's a lovable guy.
 
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Aww... goddamn. I should really stop this, but oh well. Like, the tape is...</font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, whatever...</font>


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Anyways, um... so, yeah. Hopefully they'll like hear it all, though. Bob, I can definitely tell it's gonna be really hard to hear 'em. So...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> He is so, he is so awesome, though. Seriously. I actually, you know, I think people might be pissed when they're hearing this shit, 'cause like, I actually talked more to Bob, 'cause he was interesting as fuck, though, and like, you know, telling me about like the Commodore 64 and how, you know, before fucking Chris could speak, he was playing video games, though. And how, according to him, [Bob voice] "124 levels, tryin' to get to Koopa." And he pulls out Yoshi's Island, and I'm like, "Dude, you're talking about fuckin' four different games, dumbass." But, whatever, you know, he's old...I could see me saying that to my grandma, "Yeah, whatever grandma...Japan's awesome. Right." So...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': ...an Asian market and (unintelligible)</font>
[both laugh]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, it was surprising...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Aww...goddamn. I should really stop this, but oh well. Like, the tape is...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah, whatever...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': A lotta weeaboos here in fuckin... UVA shit, man</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Anyways, um...so, yeah. Hopefully they'll like hear it all, though. Bob, I can definitely tell, it's gonna be really hard to hear 'em. So...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': yeah?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> ...an Asian market and [unintelligible].


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': yeah, I would assu-I don't know, I'm sure there's a, you know...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, it was surprising...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': There's weeaboos everywhere. Yeah...</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': There's a fun-there's these two shops called The Beholder's Eye and Fun & Games, two different shops and they, like pander to the Warhammer crowd and shit?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> A lotta weeaboos here in fuckin...UVA shit, man.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': So... which I'm not like, you know, against per-say, it's too nerdy for me though but I like the story and shit but I'm not gonna pay money for like you know fucking models and shit.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, I would assu-, I don't know, I'm sure there's a, you know...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Well, yeah b-</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>There's weeaboos everywhere. Yeah...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': If Centennial's hearing this, like, if she will hear this and shit, yeah, fuck you, Centennial.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> There's a fun-, there's these two shops called The Beholder's Eye and Fun & Games, two different shops and they, like pander to the Warhammer crowd and shit?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': (laughs)</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Dawn of War's better.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> So...which I'm not like, you know, against per se, it's too nerdy for me, though but I like the story and shit, but I'm not gonna pay money for like, you know, fucking models and shit.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': W-well like I'm a huge computer nerd and shit like that, and I would've, there's like so much shit that I want to get into, but I don't have the money and time...</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Well, yeah b-


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>If Centennial's hearing this, like, if she will hear this and shit, yeah, fuck you, Centennial.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Like my fucking classes? Fucking raping me.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> [laughs]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, I'm also fuckin- I'm a fucktard with [[computers]] and shit, though. I'm relatively new. Should have, like... Should've seen me, and I like... I mean I talk to Cameron all the time though 'cause she's the most helpful, like, she's all motherly and shit.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Dawn of War's better.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': (laughs) Yeah...</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>W-well, like I'm a huge computer nerd and shit like that, and I would've, there's like so much shit that I want to get into, but I don't have the money and time...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': So like, (Robert Simmons YouTube voice) "Uh, how do I do thiiiis?" I'm like Chris-Chan, you know, with fucking.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': You see, in high school for years... I couldn't drive? And like... my aunt didn't want to take me places?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Like my fucking classes? Fucking raping me.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, I'm also fuckin-, I'm a fucktard with [[computers]] and shit, though. I'm relatively new. Should have, like, should've seen me, and I like, I mean, I talk to Cameron all the time though 'cause she's the most helpful, like, she's all motherly and shit.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': So all I did in my spare time was program, like, in my room. I just sat there and programmed 24/7. So I'm really fucking good at programming. That's the only thing I'm good at. I didn't play video games 'cause I couldn't play video games so all I did was program.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> (laughs) Yeah...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': What time is it, by the way?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> So like, [Robert Simmons YouTube voice] "Uh, how do I do thiiiis?" I'm like Chris-Chan, you know, with fucking.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': It's... 12:23.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> You see, in high school for years...I couldn't drive? And like...my aunt didn't want to take me places?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Alright. I guess... we can go find PetSmart but I wanna find it online, first.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, okay.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>So all I did in my spare time was program, like, in my room. I just sat there and programmed 24/7. So I'm really fucking good at programming. That's the only thing I'm good at. I didn't play video games, 'cause I couldn't play video games, so all I did was program.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yes, we'll go see [[Emily|that bitch]].</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> What time is it, by the way?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': (laughs) it's gonna be a long time...</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> It's...12:23.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, so... you don't even know what she looks like, right?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Alright. I guess...we can go find PetSmar,t but I wanna find it online, first.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Uh, no I don't know what she looks like. She blurred out her face in um... She put signs on his front lawn that said like, "Love, [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]" or some shit like that or [[Jimmy Hill]] or something like that. I know it at least said Encyclopedia Dramatica. She put pictures on his lawn and there's just pictures of her standing there looking like a dumbass... and um...</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah, OK.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': What a dumb bitch. Bottom line: She should be raped.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yes, we'll go see [[Emily|that bitch]].


(both break into laughter)
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> [laughs] It's gonna be a long time...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': We're gonna edit that shit out!</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah, so...you don't even know what she looks like, right?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': But yeah, so um... (unintelligible) I'm just so fucking pumped to just stroll in there and say, "Hey Chris" or my buddy was saying, "Hey buddy, uh, mind if I talk to your sister here real quick?"</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Uh, no, I don't know what she looks like. She blurred out her face in um, she put signs on his front lawn that said like, "Love, [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]]," or some shit like that, or [[Jimmy Hill]], or something like that. I know it at least said Encyclopedia Dramatica. She put pictures on his lawn, and there's just pictures of her standing there looking like a dumbass...and um...


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': No, I don't know... hopefully he'll, like, he'll not... no, he's too stupid to put two and two together. I'm still safe.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>What a dumb bitch. Bottom line: She should be raped.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, yeah yeah... and if he started to he'd be like, "BOB, ARE YOU IN LEAGUE WITH THE PICKLE MAN?" and you'd be like, "No,"</font>
[both break into laughter]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': No...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>We're gonna edit that shit out!


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': "He tricked me!" and he'd be like, "Okay, okay..."</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> But yeah, so um...[unintelligible] I'm just so fucking pumped to just stroll in there and say, "Hey Chris," or my buddy was saying, "Hey buddy, uh, mind if I talk to your sister here real quick?"


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Is this... the place? No? It's not, fuck it. I gotta get some gas anyways. Shit... oh, there it is! That's the thing, it's so far away, it's like..., it's like off the road it's like "Am I... going to the right place?" Hmm. So. I think they're just going to go home then, I don't know. How was that church by the way? 'Cause... fuck!</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> No, I don't know...hopefully he'll, like, he'll not...no, he's too stupid to put two and two together. I'm still safe.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Boring as hell.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Yeah, yeah yeah...and if he started to he'd be like, "BOB, ARE YOU IN LEAGUE WITH THE PICKLE MAN?" and you'd be like, "No."


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah... I mean, I'm really surprised that the bitch was really progressive...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> No...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> "He tricked me!" and he'd be like, "OK, OK..."


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': It's mind boggling that Chris, like the first thing he showed me was Leviticus 18 about the...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Is this...the place? No? It's not, fuck it. I gotta get some gas anyways. Shit...Oh, there it is! That's the thing, it's so far away, it's like, it's like off the road, it's like, "Am I...going to the right place?" Hmm. So. I think they're just going to go home then, I don't know. How was that church by the way? 'Cause... fuck!


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Wait... he showed you where?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Boring as hell.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Well, sitting with him and shit.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Yeah...I mean, I'm really surprised that the bitch was really progressive...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Are you serious, he brought up fucking Leviticus? What the fuck? (Chris impression) "MAN WILL NOT LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN!"</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>It's mind boggling that Chris, like the first thing he showed me was Leviticus 18 about the...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Are you fucking kidding me?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Wait...he showed you where?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': No, no... it's in here. so...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Well, sitting with him and shit.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Holy... Holy flying fuck. I know he did it in the video. This is in fucking real life? In fucking church?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Are you serious, he brought up fucking Leviticus? What the fuck? [Chris impression] "MAN WILL NOT LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN!"


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Yeah, it's weird, too, because like, he got sort of from getting from the pastor, who obviously is, you know, very progressive.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': She was just talking about how you could like, "Doodily doodily do, laws don't matter, that's okay whatever."</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Are you fucking kidding me?


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, exactly.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>No, no...It's in here. So...


(both laugh)
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Holy, holy flying fuck. I know he did it in the video. This is in fucking real life? In fucking church?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': "I CAN SAY 'FUCK' 'CAUSE IT'S THA DEVIL!" Yeah, I've heard preachers say, "YOU TELL THAT DEVIL TO GO TO HELL. WHAT? IT'S LEGAL!" so...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Yeah, it's weird, too, because like, he got sort of from getting from the pastor, who obviously is, you know, very progressive.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Well, we have, um, we have one of those open air... well we have an open preacher who comes to my college every now and then,</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> She was just talking about how you could like, "Doodily doodily do, laws don't matter, that's OK, whatever."


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': mmhm</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>Yeah, exactly.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': And one of these days while he's there I wanna just go out and like hand out like pamphlets saying about... how like all of the health benefits of masturbation, right?</font>
[both laugh]


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': Oh yeah.</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>"I CAN SAY 'FUCK' 'CAUSE IT'S THA DEVIL!" Yeah, I've heard preachers say, "YOU TELL THAT DEVIL TO GO TO HELL. WHAT? IT'S LEGAL!" so...


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': And I'll be in my pickle suit, walking around like, I'm looking like a complete jackass. Who are they gonna pay attention to? You know, the guy who's telling me to go to hell or the guy who's telling how how good it is to touch your ding dong?</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Well, we have, um, we have one of those open air...Well we have an open preacher who comes to my college every now and then.


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': It's still going, an hour forty-seven... here you go. I'm retarded when it comes to electronics. (in the background) ...got his phone number and shit...</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> Mm-hm.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah, shit man.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> And one of these days while he's there I wanna just go out and like hand out like pamphlets saying about...how like all of the health benefits of masturbation, right?


<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': If you've got a green (unintelligible) show it to me, alright?</font>
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>Oh yeah.


<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': Yeah.</font>
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''': </font>And I'll be in my pickle suit, walking around like, I'm looking like a complete jackass. Who are they gonna pay attention to? You know, the guy who's telling me to go to hell or the guy who's telling how how good it is to touch your ding dong?


[[Category:Trolling]]
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''':</font> It's still going, an hour forty-seven...Here you go. I'm retarded when it comes to electronics. [in the background] ...got his phone number and shit...


== External links ==
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah, shit man.
*[http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTXXtxq6AnI&feature=channel_video_title Audio on YouTube]


*[http://www.mediafire.com/?iwldnjimezz Full church audio]
<font color="#04B45F">'''Robert Simmons V''': </font>If you've got a green [unintelligible] show it to me, alright?


([[Angelica|May God have mercy on your pitiful soul.]])
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':</font> Yeah.


[[Category:Historical Documents]]
[[Category:Trolling]] [[Category:Eyewitness Accounts]]

Revision as of 16:21, 28 November 2015

On 15 March 2009, Robert Simmons V and an undercover Man in the Pickle Suit visited Chris's church and approached the manchild in the flesh unsuspectingly.

The audio recording of this event lasts 1:47:48. Throughout, Chris's voice is much louder than everyone else's.

Chris says he's keeping his distance from instant messages. He'd rather not talk about who hacked his Yahoo! account. Bob is there, but Chris reveals that Barbara usually stays home.

Chris excuses himself to leave Bob to talk to Robert for a few minutes. Bob talks about jerks on the internet, Chris's condition, and early video games. When Chris comes back, he realizes that it's funny both Bob and Robert have the same name.

Chris talks about Robert's trouble with finding a girlfriend. Chris has made the final decision to talk to local girls instead of ones on the Internet. He's gotten encouragement from Rocky with How to Talk to Girls. He talked to seven girls just last Thursday at Alderman Library, but got a fake number. Chris was emotionally prepared for the fake number thanks to Seinfeld. Bob mentions the Sonichu Girls club.

Chris rambles on about Family Guy and Stewie quoting the Bible against homosexuality. His copy of the Bible with Leviticus is different from the church's because it was a graduation gift from Reverend Shin of the Korean church in Chesterfield County. Bob talks about his time in North Korea.

After asking Robert for a pen, Chris makes his signature and hands it to Robert, saying it could be valuable one day.

They start reciting verses and singing hymns for many minutes. Chris gets to pick a verse for everyone to sing. Bob gets the second pick. Then other people pick. Chris wails over everyone else in some of them.

Afterward, Robert reunites with the other troll. They drive away contemplating on Leviticus, raping Emily, and other unrelated nonsense.

Audio

Church Audio
Stardate 15 March 2009


Transcript

00:00:00 - Pre-Troll Warmup

Robert Simmons V: It's rolling now, so... (noise and pops) Is it recording still? Yes it is. Oh yeah. Not good. (a few seconds pass) Citizens of the Internet! This is Robert Simmons V, better known as Sonichufan1985, -1986 and now, -1987. I wish you all a good morning! The reason I am talking today on this voice recorder is to talk about about how I'm gonna meet Mr. Christian Chandler, my personal hero. Now, although if you're looking at my old account, Sonichufan1986, you would think that I don't like Mr. Chandler. That's a lie, a slanderous lie.

(unintelligible)

Robert Simmons V: Maybe I should just talk normal. You think he wouldn't even fuckin'...

Troll #1: OK, you heard Julie, right?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: So you heard that.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah. I'll just talk like he's probably still a threat.

Troll #1: [Does an impersonation of Chris, unintelligible quote] "Window to hell." Did you hear about that quote?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah yeah yeah, there's this retard or something...?

Troll #1: Yeah, we were talking about it on IRC and [becomes unintelligible] he, he's kind of a window to hell...and he also said that people in wheelchairs are are mentally retarded. I know. Stephen Hawking?

Robert Simmons V: Doesn't fucking matter. He's fucking retarded. Evil shenanigans...

Troll #1: He thinks Clyde took Julie hostage that one time.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: He's like, "OK, if you don't do, if you don't say you're gay I will lop off her arm," and he said "Oh, I, I'm a gaybian." Remember that?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah.

Troll #1: [laughs]

Troll #1: [mockingly] I'm gay.

Robert Simmons V: I'm gay.

Troll #1: I'm gay.

[laughter]

Troll #1: I'm a male lesbian.

[unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: I spoke to one of my friends after I called you and he's like, "That sucks." He's like, "Really?" [mocking] "No, not really..."

(laughter)

[random chatter, mostly unintelligible, much dealing with recent happenings with Chris]

Robert Simmons V: Do you know what car he drives?

Troll #1: Uh...probably the Son-chu car?

Robert Simmons V: Do you remember what his parents drive?

Troll #1: Shit, nah...I dunno.

[More chatter, Robert asks about a Pickle Suit]

00:06:27 - A Wild Chris-Chan Appears

[the sounds of people inside the church are heard]

Robert Simmons V: Hi, I'm Robert!

Chris: Robert Simmons the Fifth?

Robert Simmons V: Yes sir.

Chris: Oh my God. Ni-, nice to meet ya.

Robert Simmons V: That's good, that's good. I want to apologize my uh...my um Sonichufan1986 page was hacked by Clyde Cash, so...so I want to apologize for that in case I sent you weird emails or YouTube stuff.

Chris: (chuckles) Well, I understand. Nice to meet you, Bob.

Robert Simmons V: Is it OK if I come to church with you? I'm actually like here for us...you know, for my...vacation.

Chris: Sure, you know. You're welcome.

Robert Simmons V: Oh, Thank you.

Chris: Did you, uh, talk to Elizabeth, our pastor?

Robert Simmons V: Oh, no. Do you know where I can find her?

Chris: Uh yeah, she's in her office if you want to go say hello.

Robert Simmons V: OK. [walking] Hi! I don't mean to bother, I'm just here to just uh...I'm actually, we're here on vacation meeting some people....Is it okay if I come to church though?

Elizabeth: Of course!

Robert Simmons V: OK, awesome, thank you.

[more walking, random chatter]

Chris: My dad...you know (drowned out by noise)

Robert Simmons V: Is your mom...is coming as well? Or is she feeling sick?

Chris: No...No, she usually stays home.

Robert Simmons V: I see. So how's everything with you?

Chris: "sigh" Things have been going good. Keepin', keeping my distance from the, ah, instant messages and whatnot. Kind of, you know. It's been peaceful. Unfortunately the Sonichu site has been...uh...has been down for uh, 'bout a week r-, 'bout a week or two. Since uh yeah, since my Yahoo account got, got uh, hacked into...and all tha-, and all that jazz.

Robert Simmons V: Mm. Do you know who hacked it?

Chris: 'sigh' Yep. But I'd rather, I'd rather not talk about it.

Robert Simmons V: OK. That's fine.

Chris: So did you hear about uh, did you hear about my recent, uh, internet romance with uh, Julie Movanya?

Robert Simmons V: Let me turn off my cell phone...Um...

00:09:18 - In Walked Bob

Chris: Yeah, me too...Oh, Dad, this is Robert Simmons the Fifth, one of my Sonichu fans!

Robert Simmons V: How's it going, Mr. Chandler?

Chris: This is my father, Robert.

Bob Chandler: Let me just go on by ya here...Let me just go on by ya here...

Robert Simmons V: Oh, thank you sir.

Chris: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: How is everything?

Bob Chandler: I'm good.

Robert Simmons V: That's good.

Chris: I'll let you two chat for a bit, I've gotta go [unintelligible].

Bob Chandler: Chris is really into that stuff.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, so, yeah, I'm sure that, like, I've heard there's, like, a lot of things going on, though.

Bob Chandler: Yeah, he's got enemies all over the world.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, it's just a lot of jerks online.

Bob Chandler: I'm 81...and I've seen a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot. But uh, whenever you're successful at something, from my experience, there are people that don't like that and they're out to get you for it.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, people can't, you know, appreciate some success and be happy for them you have to feel jealousy for it though...

Bob Chandler: [laughs] Yeah, they want to knock you down.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Bob Chandler: Yeah, you know he's a high-functioning autistic, but he's come a looong way. I can remember, I was ticked off when he was six, and we were working with him and we didn't know what was wrong with him, and yet he didn't have the diagnosis.

Robert Simmons V: Mm.

Bob Chandler: I have a Commodore 64. If you've ever heard of those...

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah! Um, my, my dad had one of those though, he also had, I think it's called Amiga?

Bob Chandler: That's an actual system. Anyway, I taught him how to do that, and he was loading discs on that Commodore 64 and playing with it before he could talk.

Robert Simmons V: [laughs]

Bob Chandler: And of course after that, they came along with all sorts of video games.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah.

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible] We got one of the first Nintendos... [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I know how that is.

Bob Chandler: I remember this one, what did they call it? Mario (pronounces it as Mare-rio) World?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I've heard of that.

Bob Chandler: That one's I spent 150-200 levels...and and after I got through King Koopa...I couldn't get off of Yoshi's Island...and I'm an engineer... or was. I'm retired now.

Robert Simmons V: Uh huh.

Bob Chandler: And I couldn't remember how to get off of Yoshi's Island...I couldn't remember what was coming next. Well, he got up to King Koopa in two days.

Chris: [suddenly reappears] Ha ha, did you get a copy of this week's bulletin?

Bob Chandler: He gets these games and I'm the one who ends up paying for them and he keeps them-

Robert Simmons V: Ha ha, there's always renting, though. So...you could just go to Blockbuster and rent games for a couple days.

Bob Chandler: I wish he'd do that, it'd save him some money.

Chris: Hmm.

Bob Chandler: Save me some money...

Chris: Father, game's not so easy to beat nowadays...plus they take a lot of effort.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, that is true.

Bob Chandler: You go to school here?

Robert Simmons V: No, um, I actually live in Christiansburg, so I'm meeting some-

Bob Chandler: You live in Christiansburg?

Robert Simmons V: Yes sir.

Bob Chandler: That's a long drive.

Robert Simmons V: Yes sir, it is.

Chris: Yeah...

Bob Chandler: That's up there near VPI, right?

Robert Simmons V: Yes sir, Virginia Tech.

Bob Chandler: I was in Roanoke for a lot of years.

Robert Simmons V: Oh, really?

Bob Chandler: I worked for GE down there for about 15 years, then got transferred to, uh, [unintelligible].

Robert Simmons V: Mm.

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible] I like the Johnson area, it's beautiful there.

Robert Simmons V: Very pretty. Yeah, I was driving down here this, uh, this morning though and I was surprised though. I, I've never really been here. [unintelligible] I have a couple of friends here, and...it was really foggy though. Um, I believe that it was 64?

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

00:14:26 - The Love Quest Continues

Chris: [interrupts] Oh...hey, uh father, did, uh, Bob here tell ya that uh...You know, it's funny, you both are named Robert; better yet, you could both be called Bob! Yeah, anyway uh, he, uh, he's been having trouble finding himself girlfriends too.

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah, by the way Bob, by the way Bob, uh, for your information, uh...I've actually uh...,after I spaced myself from the internets I made the fond decision to go back into uh, local areas and start talking to girls, so I go-, got some encouragement from Rocky. I also uh, I looked at this little uh, short picture, short uh, red picture book by uh...that came from a nine year old. Called "How to Talk to Girls."

Robert Simmons V: Hmm. Mm.

Chris: It's by...Alec...Goldwin? Something like that? Anywa-, anyway it's like ten dollars. It's a good book.

Bob Chandler: You should tell him he's gotta [unintelligible].

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...Isn't there a dating service? That...isn't there? I'm sure there's a dating services around here, right?

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, yeah.

Chris: Anyway, I talked to seven girls, uh, this last Thursday over at uh...Alderman Library. So that was, that was a big start for me. I mana-, I managed to get a phone number out of one of them, but unfortunately it was a fa-, unfortunately it was a bad number. You know...

Robert Simmons V: Maybe, did you...

Chris: The number wasn't, it wasn't a number that was in service.

Robert Simmons V: Oh...

Bob Chandler: [In the background, unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Mm.

Chris: F-f-fortunately, I was prepared for that...you know. [pause] Anyway I was emotionally prepared for that, you know, 'cause I'd seen a similar situation in an episode of Seinfeld... where...it was one where Elaine was giving was giving a fake phone number to most of the guys she met? And it went to this, uh...racing bet booth? And she's try, and at the end of the episode she's trying to...she wrote the number on the back of her, on the back of a card that she ha-, that she's like once punch away from getting a free sub! And she wanted that free sub!

Robert Simmons V: [laughs]

Chris: It's a funny episode, it's a funny episode. You watch Seinfeld?

Robert Simmons V: Um...I used to, though, but, I don't think, at least where I'm from, they don't really show it anymore though.

Chris: You can find it on the FOX stations or TBS...

Robert Simmons V: Oh, OK.

Chris: Yeah, actually you know two back-to-back episodes most every night 7, 7:30 on TBS.

Robert Simmons V: Mm...They also have Family Guy on TBS.

Chris: Yeah, hey. Did you see the latest episode of Family Guy?

Robert Simmons V: Probably not, no...I don't think so, it was-

Chris: It was last Sun-, it was last Sunday. They isolated, and injected into Peter, the gay gene.

Robert Simmons V: Oh really?

Chris: It lasted for only two and a half weeks. Durli-, d-d-during th-, during like the first quarter of the, ah the episode, Peter bought for two dollars...a mentally challenged horse. Brain damaged. It was like, he was li-, he always gave him like this blank stare...

Robert Simmons V: Uh huh...so what'd he do with the horse?

Chris: (chuckles) He put th-, he put the horse in the race and then the horse-

Robert Simmons V: Did it win?

Chris: No.

Robert Simmons V: [laughs]

Chris: No, but the horse ran into the crowd and, uh, cause a whole bunch of chaos, and then the horse died of a heart attack from the excitement.

Robert Simmons V: Ohhh.

Chris: And Peter chucked it into Mort's drug store...Mort's pharmacy

Robert Simmons V: Ahh...Hmm.

Chris: And Mort's was like, "Oh, I like the days where they'd just throw, they'd just throw, uh, poo in a bag," and uh,-

Bob Chandler: [in the background, unintelligible]

00:18:10 - Seth MacFarlane & The Bible

Chris: Yeah but anyway, later on in, but anyway, ahh but anyway, later on in the same episode, uh Stewie...brings up a quote...from the Bible, that pretty much uh, spells out for, spells out best in a nutshell, which I did a short-

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I saw that though...Leviticus?

Chris: Yeah, Leviticus 18:22. [sigh] Right there. "No man will lie with a man as one lies with a woman. It is detestable." And then you can read the, uh, read the uh, beforehand about uh, what was said to Moses, yadda yadda yadda, and then in the end what happens to those who...commit any of these uh...rules that are unlawful...in sexual relations includi-, including animals. Doing it with animals, that's, that's just...detestable and bogus.

Robert Simmons V: What page is that? 101?

Chris: No no, it's, uh, well, mine's a different Bible from theirs, but you're, you're in the right area. Leviticus 18:22.

Robert Simmons V: Alright...

Chris: Yeah, my Bible is uh, different from the church's, uh, from this church's Bible. I got mine from our uh, Reverend Shin of the uh, Korean church in Chesterfield County, dad?

Bob Chandler: That's right. It was Presbyterian...I wonder where they come for church...Anyway, they're mostly Presbyterian...

Chris: Yeah...

Robert Simmons V: Mm.

Chris: Anyway, it was a graduation gift from them.

Robert Simmons V: Oh.

Bob Chandler: [mostly unintelligible, what can be heard mentions spending time in North Korea]

Chris: Yeah, North Korea in the Signal Corps, right dad?

Bob Chandler:< Before the Korean war, I was in Korea [the rest of the story becomes unintelligible due to crowd noise].

Chris: I will!

Robert Simmons V: Oh, OK.

Bob Chandler: [assumed he continues his story, unintelligible due to crowd noise]

As Bob continues his story, Chris mumbles something, probably looking through the Bible.

Chris: Oh, Chapter One...18.

Bob continues talking, while Chris mumbles a bit more and does a "hmm" now and again. We hear shuffling through the pocket where the recorder is hidden.

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Um...

Bob Chandler: Blacksburg is over, over by there, isn't it?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, they're-they're, Christiansburg and Blacksburg are right next to each other. Um...I had to go to 81 before I could get to 64.

Chris: Hmmm.

Bob Chandler: Yeah, 81 goes for a while then you make a turn and go north. [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, real foggy too and-

Bob Chandler: You drove down this morning, then?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, fog and, I, I was wondering why they had lights on the road until it's all...

Bob Chandler: Well now you know....Yeah, that's, that's a pretty good drive [unintelligible].

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Chris: Hmmm.

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, it's about two and a half.

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: [chuckles]

Chris: Hmmm.

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Robert Simmons V: [laughs]

Chris: Hmmm.

Bob Chandler: That's the big blue ridge where we are...We live, we live just north of here in Ruckersville, and off to the west [unintelligible] about seven, eight miles [unintelligible]...You can see it from our front door.

Robert Simmons V: Hmm.

Bob Chandler: In fact, the western edge of it goes right along the parkway.

Robert Simmons V: Oh, really?

Chris: Uh Bob, would you, would you like to sign the registration pad?

Robert Simmons V: Sure.

Chris: Ju-, just sign it on this line, and you can optionally put in your phone number and address-

Robert Simmons V: OK.

Chris: You don't have to.

Robert Simmons V: ...Alright.

00:23:38 - The Service Begins

Robert Simmons V: Here, you can have that back.

Chris: Thanks...Oh, just put it back in the pew.

Robert Simmons V: Oh, OK.

Chris: There's one in the pew.

[30 seconds later...]

Chris: Hey, lemme see your pen for a second there, Bob.

[30 seconds later...]

Chris: There ya are. You hold onto that, 'cause that could be valuable one day.

Robert Simmons V: ...Sure.

[something is mentioned about the piano needing to be fixed, it is turned into a joke about firewood]

Chris: Aww.

Chris: That's horrible.

00:26:19-1:33:00 - Churching Highlights

00:28:37 (Chris is chosen to pick a Hymn)

Chris: Ah...let's do verse one of 733.

(Chris chooses Marching to Zion and sings loudly and off-key)

00:29:50 (Bob picks a Hymn)

Bob Chandler: 95.

Elizabeth: 95?

Bob Chandler: [unintelligible]

Elizabeth: 95...and do you have a favorite verse?

Bob Chandler: The one and only.

Elizabeth: There's only one?

[People in the church chuckle while Chris laughs loudly]

[The Hymn starts and Chris once again sings loudly and off-key]

[A Hymn with a ridiculous page number is called out]

Chris: I'm looking...2235 B? Oh. Oh, here it is.

[Chris continues to sing the rest of the hymns off-key and loudly]


00:48:15 (Other High Functioning Autistics)

[Elizabeth is talking about a new family in the parish]

Chris: Dawson is their, uh, their autistic son. He's high-functioning autistic.


01:33:35 - TTE: TACTICAL TROLL EXTRACTION

Not Elizabeth: Hi, your name's Robert?

Robert Simmons V: Yes.

Not Elizabeth: Very nice to meet you. Very good to have you here today!

Robert Simmons V: Thank you. I like this place, a lot.

Not Elizabeth: Good! Well, hope you come back some day!

[Chris and Robert are talking. It is impossible to understand them due to the organ]

Robert Simmons V: OK, well you take it easy, OK?

Chris: [unintelligible due to crowd noise]

[much of the rest of the conversation is unintelligible because of the crowd]

Chris: Well, you take care, OK?

Robert Simmons V: OK.

01:36:04 - "That's that"

Robert Simmons V: You know, it's very odd 'cause...for such a progressive church, though, he was reading Leviticus and shit. Well...he got that from Family Guy.

Troll #1: He looks...for any justification he can find. So what did he say to you?

Robert Simmons V: Oh nothing...We were just talking and shit, yeah. He told me...like, he knew I was in Australia or some bullshit?

[both break into laughter]

Robert Simmons V: I got a souvenir too, by the way. By, by the way, I need to turn off the goddamn thing...

Troll #1: Yeah, whatever, I mean...

Robert Simmons V: [commenting on traffic]...I should have gone...oh well.

Troll #1: Fuckin' awesome. Ha ha.

Robert Simmons V: I met him, I...you know, I have his cell phone number, which I guess, like, everyone already has.

Troll #1: Yeah.

Robert Simmons V: So I think I might actually call him on my cellphone. Hopefully like he won't give it away...

Troll #1: Probably not.

Robert Simmons V: I don't know...Pretty badass, huh?

Troll #1: Yeah.

[both break into laughter]

Troll #1: I think he'll recognize me when I steal his girl, when I steal his date.

Robert Simmons V: Ugh...well, maybe you should get makeup or something. Green, green makeup.

Troll #1: I, I don't really give a fuck.

Robert Simmons V: I do! Fuck, man! [laughs]

Troll #1: No no no, I don't think he'll connect me and you.

Robert Simmons V: Well, OK. Well maybe, you know, that would explain your spying on us, like that would explain the recordings and shit, you know?

Troll #1: Yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.

[both laugh]

Robert Simmons V: You'd better edit this shit to where I'm not saying "shit," you know, it's always like, it's always like, it's always like...

Troll #1: [makes noise] (both laugh)

Robert Simmons V: Oh, God...I don't want Clyde to have this shit image because he seemed like such a nice guy, dude!

Troll #1: Aww!

Robert Simmons V: Oh yeah, look at this...did you see this?

[It can be assumed Robert is showing the Troll the signature given to him by Chris]

[both laugh]

Troll #1: Oh my God...

Robert Simmons V: Oh yeah, look at this... Did you see this?

Troll #1:Well, I wrote down, um, what, uh...which...what things he recommended...

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: Marching to Zion, and Bob suggested "Praise God from All"...from all of our Saints Blood.

Robert Simmons V: This just...What's so funny, what's so interesting I find is Bob, you know, the Lumberjack, is bad-ass, though. He's a really pleasant guy, though.

Troll #1: Yeah, yeah.

Robert Simmons V: Um...the only problem I feel sorry for is he tried to justify, like Chris and shit. Like, apparently like back when he was six he couldn't even talk.

Troll #1: Yeah?

Robert Simmons V: And uh, you know, 'cause he's fucking autistic.

Troll #1: Right, right...God has a mute button on him, that's what he says.

Robert Simmons V: ...What?

Troll #1: Chris says that God put the mute button on him.

Robert Simmons V: Oh...well, yeah. Anyways, um, other than being really SHITTY by the way, everybody, it's still all recording....Anyways, hopefully this will provide some entertainment for people, I dunno. But anyways, so um...what the hell am I saying? oh yeah, so um...[laughs] God... DAMN! [laughs] That dude, you know...you know, it seemed like, "What the hell, is that guy wearing a fucking Hardees jacket? You know, that guy looks really fucking sketchy as hell!" [troll laughs] And I go, "Mr. Chandler?" And he go, and he didn't know me for a second. "I'm Robert Simmons Fifth", and h-, and he knew me, it's like, and he still thinks I'm awesome!

[both laugh]

Robert Simmons V: I'm so happy! You know...

Troll #1: Aw yeah, that's awesome.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...but he gave me his cell phone number which I've, I have to call him up. I can't wait to show my fucking buddies at Tech, man.

[both laugh]

Troll #1: That's pretty funny, man!

[both laugh]

Robert Simmons V: I don't kn-, I would lend it to you if you have a scanner or something like that...

Troll #1: I don't have a scanner.

Robert Simmons V: I'll have to scan it at my, uh...at my fucking campus.

Troll #1: Yeah, it's cool, man...fucking awesome. You have a piece of internet history right here.

[both laugh]

Robert Simmons V: Oh my God...comin' from the guy who's driving a fucking white truck with the Obama sticker, yeahhhhhh....I'm so happy I didn't have to do, [in Robert Simmons YouTube voice] "MR. CHANDLER!," you know? I'm so happy. I guess you can contribute that to being really nervous online or something like that, but...Anyways, apparently Robert the Lumberjack, before he was a lumberjack, I should say, he was an engineer, worked for like GE, and he's been like-

Troll #1: Yeah, yeah.

Robert Simmons V: So he's pretty bad-ass...

Troll #1: Well well, he k-, well, Chris keeps on going on about how Bob invented plastic. That's what he tells people.

Robert Simmons V: Oh shit.

Troll #1: He tells people that Bob invented that. Now what Bob actually did was, he designed the controls for one of th-, for one of th-, the first plastic molding machines.

Robert Simmons V: Mm-hm.

Troll #1: Now...I think that probably Bob was probably just some sort of like low-level engineer or some shit like that....Now he's a cool guy, I'm just saying, I don't think-

Robert Simmons V: He's not the plastic maker...

Troll #1: Yeah.

Robert Simmons V: That's more like, chemistry, I would think.

Troll #1: You could probably take another person, another engineer and replace Bob with him and you'd get the exact same fucking thing.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...

Troll #1: Now, Bob's a cool guy, Bob's a, Bob's a lovable guy.

Robert Simmons V: He is so, he is so awesome, though. Seriously. I actually, you know, I think people might be pissed when they're hearing this shit, 'cause like, I actually talked more to Bob, 'cause he was interesting as fuck, though, and like, you know, telling me about like the Commodore 64 and how, you know, before fucking Chris could speak, he was playing video games, though. And how, according to him, [Bob voice] "124 levels, tryin' to get to Koopa." And he pulls out Yoshi's Island, and I'm like, "Dude, you're talking about fuckin' four different games, dumbass." But, whatever, you know, he's old...I could see me saying that to my grandma, "Yeah, whatever grandma...Japan's awesome. Right." So...

[both laugh]

Robert Simmons V: Aww...goddamn. I should really stop this, but oh well. Like, the tape is...

Troll #1: Yeah, whatever...

Robert Simmons V: Anyways, um...so, yeah. Hopefully they'll like hear it all, though. Bob, I can definitely tell, it's gonna be really hard to hear 'em. So...

Troll #1: ...an Asian market and [unintelligible].

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, it was surprising...

Troll #1: Yeah?

Robert Simmons V: A lotta weeaboos here in fuckin...UVA shit, man.

Troll #1: Yeah?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I would assu-, I don't know, I'm sure there's a, you know...

Troll #1: There's weeaboos everywhere. Yeah...

Robert Simmons V: There's a fun-, there's these two shops called The Beholder's Eye and Fun & Games, two different shops and they, like pander to the Warhammer crowd and shit?

Troll #1: Yeah?

Robert Simmons V: So...which I'm not like, you know, against per se, it's too nerdy for me, though but I like the story and shit, but I'm not gonna pay money for like, you know, fucking models and shit.

Troll #1: Well, yeah b-

Robert Simmons V: If Centennial's hearing this, like, if she will hear this and shit, yeah, fuck you, Centennial.

Troll #1: [laughs]

Robert Simmons V: Dawn of War's better.

Troll #1: W-well, like I'm a huge computer nerd and shit like that, and I would've, there's like so much shit that I want to get into, but I don't have the money and time...

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: Like my fucking classes? Fucking raping me.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, I'm also fuckin-, I'm a fucktard with computers and shit, though. I'm relatively new. Should have, like, should've seen me, and I like, I mean, I talk to Cameron all the time though 'cause she's the most helpful, like, she's all motherly and shit.

Troll #1: (laughs) Yeah...

Robert Simmons V: So like, [Robert Simmons YouTube voice] "Uh, how do I do thiiiis?" I'm like Chris-Chan, you know, with fucking.

Troll #1: You see, in high school for years...I couldn't drive? And like...my aunt didn't want to take me places?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah.

Troll #1: So all I did in my spare time was program, like, in my room. I just sat there and programmed 24/7. So I'm really fucking good at programming. That's the only thing I'm good at. I didn't play video games, 'cause I couldn't play video games, so all I did was program.

Robert Simmons V: What time is it, by the way?

Troll #1: It's...12:23.

Robert Simmons V: Alright. I guess...we can go find PetSmar,t but I wanna find it online, first.

Troll #1: Yeah, OK.

Robert Simmons V: Yes, we'll go see that bitch.

Troll #1: [laughs] It's gonna be a long time...

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, so...you don't even know what she looks like, right?

Troll #1: Uh, no, I don't know what she looks like. She blurred out her face in um, she put signs on his front lawn that said like, "Love, Encyclopedia Dramatica," or some shit like that, or Jimmy Hill, or something like that. I know it at least said Encyclopedia Dramatica. She put pictures on his lawn, and there's just pictures of her standing there looking like a dumbass...and um...

Robert Simmons V: What a dumb bitch. Bottom line: She should be raped.

[both break into laughter]

Robert Simmons V: We're gonna edit that shit out!

Troll #1: But yeah, so um...[unintelligible] I'm just so fucking pumped to just stroll in there and say, "Hey Chris," or my buddy was saying, "Hey buddy, uh, mind if I talk to your sister here real quick?"

Robert Simmons V: No, I don't know...hopefully he'll, like, he'll not...no, he's too stupid to put two and two together. I'm still safe.

Troll #1: Yeah, yeah yeah...and if he started to he'd be like, "BOB, ARE YOU IN LEAGUE WITH THE PICKLE MAN?" and you'd be like, "No."

Robert Simmons V: No...

Troll #1: "He tricked me!" and he'd be like, "OK, OK..."

Robert Simmons V: Is this...the place? No? It's not, fuck it. I gotta get some gas anyways. Shit...Oh, there it is! That's the thing, it's so far away, it's like, it's like off the road, it's like, "Am I...going to the right place?" Hmm. So. I think they're just going to go home then, I don't know. How was that church by the way? 'Cause... fuck!

Troll #1: Boring as hell.

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...I mean, I'm really surprised that the bitch was really progressive...

Troll #1: Yeah.

Robert Simmons V: It's mind boggling that Chris, like the first thing he showed me was Leviticus 18 about the...

Troll #1: Wait...he showed you where?

Robert Simmons V: Well, sitting with him and shit.

Troll #1: Are you serious, he brought up fucking Leviticus? What the fuck? [Chris impression] "MAN WILL NOT LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN!"

Robert Simmons V: Yeah...

Troll #1: Are you fucking kidding me?

Robert Simmons V: No, no...It's in here. So...

Troll #1: Holy, holy flying fuck. I know he did it in the video. This is in fucking real life? In fucking church?

Robert Simmons V: Yeah, it's weird, too, because like, he got sort of from getting from the pastor, who obviously is, you know, very progressive.

Troll #1: She was just talking about how you could like, "Doodily doodily do, laws don't matter, that's OK, whatever."

Troll #1: Yeah, exactly.

[both laugh]

Robert Simmons V: "I CAN SAY 'FUCK' 'CAUSE IT'S THA DEVIL!" Yeah, I've heard preachers say, "YOU TELL THAT DEVIL TO GO TO HELL. WHAT? IT'S LEGAL!" so...

Troll #1: Well, we have, um, we have one of those open air...Well we have an open preacher who comes to my college every now and then.

Robert Simmons V: Mm-hm.

Troll #1: And one of these days while he's there I wanna just go out and like hand out like pamphlets saying about...how like all of the health benefits of masturbation, right?

Robert Simmons V: Oh yeah.

Troll #1: And I'll be in my pickle suit, walking around like, I'm looking like a complete jackass. Who are they gonna pay attention to? You know, the guy who's telling me to go to hell or the guy who's telling how how good it is to touch your ding dong?

Robert Simmons V: It's still going, an hour forty-seven...Here you go. I'm retarded when it comes to electronics. [in the background] ...got his phone number and shit...

Troll #1: Yeah, shit man.

Robert Simmons V: If you've got a green [unintelligible] show it to me, alright?

Troll #1: Yeah.