Difference between revisions of "Sweetheart"

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{{quote|'''[[Kacey]]:''' Chris, how many times have you been in quote-unquote "love"?<br>'''Chris:''' I do not know, I do not- I have not kept count.|from [[Kacey Call 9]]}}
[[Image:Boyfriend-free girls.jpg|thumb|A flock of potential sweethearts.]]
[[Image:Boyfriend-free girls.jpg|thumb|A flock of potential sweethearts.]]
{{quote|'''[[Kacey]]:''' Chris, how many times have you been in quote-unquote "love"?<br>'''Chris:''' I do not know, I do not- I have not kept count.|from [[Kacey Call 9]]}}


A '''Sweetheart''' (sometimes '''heartsweet''') is [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]]'s flavor-of-the-month.
A '''Sweetheart''' (sometimes '''heartsweet''') is [[Christian Weston Chandler|Chris]]'s flavor-of-the-month.


==Definition==
==Definition==
Chris's goal is to build a [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]], lose his dreaded [[Virgin with rage|virginity]] [[Mia Hamm|(which he ultimately accomplished without a sweetheart)]], and spawn his God-chosen daughter, [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal Weston Chandler]] (named after "[[Honor roll|the illustrious metal]]" and [[Chris and his Ego|a name similar to his own]]). Unfortunately for him, the plan hasn't progressed beyond a handful of troll-engineered dates, and a trip to a hooker (two in fact). Thus the ''sweetheart'' label finds itself frivolously applied, indicating a status that lies somewhere between "e-girlfriend" and "stalking victim." Contrast this with Chris's [[Gal-Pals]]; that is, all of those girls who are still potential sweethearts because they are known to Chris and don't appear to hate him.
Chris's goal is to build a [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]], lose his dreaded [[Virgin with rage|virginity]] [[Mia Hamm|(which he ultimately accomplished without a sweetheart)]], and spawn his God-chosen daughter, [[Crystal Weston Chandler (daughter)|Crystal Weston Chandler]] (named after "[[Honor roll|the illustrious metal]]" and [[Chris and his Ego|a name similar to his own]]). Unfortunately for him, the plan hasn't progressed beyond a handful of troll-engineered dates, a trip to a hooker (two in fact), and [[Affair with Mother|having sex with his mother]]. Thus the ''sweetheart'' label finds itself frivolously applied, indicating a status that lies somewhere between "e-girlfriend" and "stalking victim." Contrast this with Chris's [[Gal-Pals]]; that is, all of those girls who are still potential sweethearts because they are known to Chris and don't appear to hate him.


Chris's ideal vision for a sweetheart is more or less one that allowed him to continue living as a "self-employed" stay-at-home husband/father/son, since he didn't make a significant effort to support a prospective family at any point during his [[Love Quest]] aside from briefly applying for a minimum-wage job for [[Kacey]]. Based on [[Chris and work|his frustration at the idea of doing any work whatsoever]], it's likely that he wanted someone to effectively mother him rather than an equal partner, who he could also have sex with and impregnate with [[Crystal Weston Chandler|a kid]] [[Reginald Chandler|or two]]. Chris also seemed to be under the impression that they'd live with his parents [[14 Branchland Court|and their hoard]], who he'd presumably leave his sweetheart-to-be to raise his kids with.
Chris's ideal vision for a sweetheart is more or less one that allowed him to continue living as a "self-employed" stay-at-home husband/father/son, since he didn't make a significant effort to support a prospective family at any point during his [[Love Quest]] aside from briefly applying for a minimum-wage job for [[Kacey]]. Based on [[Chris and work|his frustration at the idea of doing any work whatsoever]], it's likely that he wanted someone to effectively mother him rather than an equal partner, who he could also have sex with and impregnate with [[Crystal Weston Chandler|a kid]] [[Reginald Chandler|or two]]. Chris also seemed to be under the impression that they'd live with his parents [[14 Branchland Court|and their hoard]], who he'd presumably leave his sweetheart-to-be to raise his kids with.
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In the early years of his [[Love Quest]], Chris spelled out his qualifications on his Attraction Sign, in a personal ad that ran for several issues in the ''[[News Dash]]'', and on various other items including a cover for his Nintendo DS. Subsequent experiences would show that many of these TRUE and HONEST criteria could be [[Two's company snapshots|bent a little]], as expedient.
In the early years of his [[Love Quest]], Chris spelled out his qualifications on his Attraction Sign, in a personal ad that ran for several issues in the ''[[News Dash]]'', and on various other items including a cover for his Nintendo DS. Subsequent experiences would show that many of these TRUE and HONEST criteria could be [[Two's company snapshots|bent a little]], as expedient.


*18 - [Chris's age then] Years Old
*18 - [Chris's age then] Years Old (though not conclusive, as Barb was 79 years old back then)
*Boyfriend-Free
*Boyfriend-Free
*Blonde or Brunette
*Blonde or Brunette
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However, in case anybody reading this article is curious as to why not, there are quite a few reasons:
However, in case anybody reading this article is curious as to why not, there are quite a few reasons:


'''1) Chris refuses to grow up.''' He is a nearly 40 year old man who plays with children's toys and video games all day and still lives with his [[Barbara Chandler|mother]]. Adult responsibilities such as gainful employment and living on your own are completely foreign concepts to Chris, and any [[Monthly tugboat|money he does receive]] is promptly [[Chris and money|wasted on stupid shit he doesn't need]]. As of [[2019]], this habit has been coming back to bite him in the ass harder than ever as the [[Financhu Crisis|Chandler finances sink into an all-time low]]. Refusing to take responsibility, he has [[Please, Donate|resorted]] [[Donation Request|to]] [[Donations, Please, plus Live Game Stream tonight.|e]]-[[Cwcville Shopping is on Vacation|begging]] [[Donations_Requested,_Please|a]] [[Donations_Required,_Serious._Please_help|very]] [[Reading_"Unicorns,_Rainbows,_and_a_Bluebird_of_Happiness"_Chapter_1|large]] [[Reading_"Unicorns,_Rainbows,_and_a_Bluebird_of_Happiness"_Chapter_2|number]] [[Announcement_06292016|of]] [[HELP,_PLEASE!!!|times]] like a child to make up for his failure to put the simplest of money aside for [[McDonald's|food]], bills and medicine. On top of that, he has implied that if he does get married, [[PlayingHouse|all he'll do is stay home while his wife goes to work]]. He doesn't even plan on looking after the kids for her; he'd dump this responsibility on his old, ailing mother. This lack of maturity and inability to stand on his own two feet would be an instant turn-off to any woman.
'''1) Chris refuses to grow up.''' He is a 42 year old man who plays with children's toys and video games all day and lived with his [[Barbara Chandler|mother]] up until age 39 (when authorities separated them due to him committing [[incest]] with her). Adult responsibilities such as gainful employment and living on his own are completely foreign concepts to Chris, and any [[Monthly tugboat|money he does receive]] is promptly [[Chris and money|wasted on stupid shit he doesn't need]]. As of [[2019]], this habit has been coming back to bite him in the ass harder than ever as the [[Financhu Crisis|Chandler finances sink into an all-time low]]. Refusing to take responsibility, he has [[Please, Donate|resorted]] [[Donation Request|to]] [[Donations, Please, plus Live Game Stream tonight.|e]]-[[Cwcville Shopping is on Vacation|begging]] [[Donations_Requested,_Please|a]] [[Donations_Required,_Serious._Please_help|very]] [[Reading_"Unicorns,_Rainbows,_and_a_Bluebird_of_Happiness"_Chapter_1|large]] [[Reading_"Unicorns,_Rainbows,_and_a_Bluebird_of_Happiness"_Chapter_2|number]] [[Announcement_06292016|of]] [[HELP,_PLEASE!!!|times]] like a child to make up for his failure to put the simplest of money aside for [[McDonald's|food]], bills and medicine. On top of that, he has implied that if he does get married, [[PlayingHouse|all he'll do is stay home while his wife goes to work]]. He didn't even plan on looking after the kids for her; he'd have dumped this responsibility on his elderly mother. This lack of maturity and inability to stand on his own two feet would be an instant turn-off to any woman.
 
'''2) Chris has issues that would damage a relationship.''' Autistic antics aside, Chris does a lot of things that upset women. For starters, he seems to have no sense of personal space, and [[Megan Schroeder|several]] [[Emily|women]] [[Kacey|have]] [[Catherine|found]] themselves creeped out by his habit of inappropriately touching them. On his date with Catherine, he made a point of bragging about learning from his mistakes with Megan shortly before he ''molested'' Catherine by hugging her and burying his face in her breasts, after specifically being told not to. Needless to say, had this been a real date, Catherine and "cousin Al" would've [[Kick the Autistic|beaten him up]] or [[Michael Snyder|called the]] [[Jerkops|cops]] at this point. He also [[List of Chris's lies|lies a lot]], and when he doesn't lie, he makes poor excuses for his shortcomings, both of which can damage a girl's trust in him. [[Chris and remorse|His lack of genuine sympathy towards people]] has led to a lot of complaints about him apologizing without meaning it. On top of that, he seems to be of the idea that women in a relationship with him [[Women's rights#In real life|will tolerate waiting on him hand and foot while he plays video games all day, and bear his children]], and enable his [[Megan Schroeder|deranged]] [[Michael Snyder|theories]] about conspiracies and trolls.
 
'''3) Chris is not self-sufficient.''' As mentioned before, Chris doesn't have a job and has no plans to get one, opting instead to live with his mother. His welfare after room and board deductions is barely over the $200 mark, which he wastes on toys and video games instead of saving for something really important. He also has a habit of landing himself into [[debt]] with his purchases, and isn't even aware of [[Mumble 4|all of the necessary bills one needs to pay to keep a house running.]] He has also [[PlayingHouse|indicated]] that if he becomes a family man, he will be leeching off his wife instead of looking for work on his own (of course, there would be no problem with him being a "house husband" if he knew how to maintain a household - [[Tour of Chris's House|which he doesn't]]). It'll become crystal clear to any woman who learns this about Chris that he is definitely not marriage material, as he has at no point in his life been able to support himself, much less a family.
 
'''4) Chris has issues with [[Barbara Chandler|his mother]].''' Above and beyond Chris's problems with self-sufficiency is the person he is dependent on. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but Barb isn't the easiest of people to live with. Aside from her own [[Barbara Chandler#Mental|personality problems]], she has issues with hoarding, she has many of the same issues with authority figures that Chris does, and shows only slightly more of an ability to manage her money. Many people around Chris's age have difficulty dealing with their parents, but Chris has (aside from his devotion to being a [[tomgirl]]) been shown to be neither willing nor able to stand up to her. As it stands, Barb is another obstacle on his [[Love Quest]] and, if Chris was willing to move out from under her shadow, his chances of landing a sweetheart would substantially improve.


'''5) [[Chris_and_health#Hygiene|Chris's hygiene]].''' Chris does not shower regularly, believing that all you need to be hygienic are a few sprays of [[Axe]]. He also lives in a [[14 Branchland Court|filthy house with garbage everywhere]], and routinely [[DIRTY,_CRAPPED_BRIEFS|shits himself]]. [[Emily|One woman]] has described him as smelling like 'rotten watermelons'.
'''2) Chris has issues that would damage a relationship.''' Autistic antics aside, Chris does a lot of things that upset women. For starters, he seems to have no sense of personal space, and [[Megan Schroeder|several]] [[Emily|women]] [[Kacey|have]] [[Catherine|found]] themselves creeped out by his habit of inappropriately touching them. On his date with Catherine, he made a point of bragging about learning from his mistakes with Megan shortly before he ''molested'' Catherine by hugging her and burying his face in her breasts, after specifically being told not to. Needless to say, had this been a real date, Catherine and "[[Cousin Al]]" would've [[Kick the Autistic|beaten him up]] or [[Michael Snyder|called the]] [[Jerkops|cops]] at this point. He also [[List of Chris's lies|lies a lot]], and when he doesn't lie, he makes poor excuses for his shortcomings, both of which can damage a girl's trust in him. [[Chris and remorse|His lack of genuine sympathy towards people]] has led to a lot of complaints about him apologizing without meaning it. On top of that, he seems to be of the idea that women in a relationship with him [[Women's rights#In real life|will tolerate waiting on him hand and foot while he plays video games all day, and bear his children]], and enable his [[Megan Schroeder|deranged]] [[Michael Snyder|theories]] about conspiracies and trolls.  


'''6) Chris is physically unattractive.''' Chris is not inherently ugly, but his lifestyle and fashion choices have rendered his appearance deeply repulsive. Even before he started dressing like a [[Tomgirl]] (already a deterrent in itself for a [[Homos|certain reason]]), Chris always [[Chris and fashion|had very questionable tastes in fashion]], and would often have an unkempt appearance, as shown in the picture above. When first spotted from a distance by Catherine, she believed she was looking at an ugly old woman. The fact that he [[Chris and health|doesn't take good care of himself]] also hurts his chances of attracting the opposite sex, and has resulted in him becoming [[Obesity|clinically obese]] and [[Hair|nearly bald]]. If Chris dressed somewhat fashionably, bothered grooming himself properly and worked out, his chances with the ladies would improve a bit. In fact, during Chris's stint as a [[Carlos Chantor|male escort]], his appearance was comparatively rather presentable and he appeared well-groomed.
'''3) Chris is not self-sufficient.''' As mentioned before, Chris doesn't have a typical job and has no plans to get one. He also has a habit of landing himself into [[debt]] with his purchases. He has also [[PlayingHouse|indicated]] that if he becomes a family man, he will be leeching off his wife instead of looking for work on his own (of course, there would be no problem with him being a "house husband" if he knew how to maintain a household - [[Tour of Chris's House|which he doesn't]]). It'll become crystal clear to any woman who learns this about Chris that he is definitely not marriage material, as he has at no point in his life been able to support himself, much less a family.


'''7) Chris has no idea how to behave around women.''' Chris has many childish mannerisms and social hindrances that are repellent to women (and men alike). In the infamous [[For My Sweetest Ivy|video for Ivy]], these things are in abundance. Chris thinks that when you talk to a woman you like, you babble and coo like you're addressing a toddler. Also, he thinks that women in this day and age would like watching ''[[Gilligan's Island]]'', an ancient show from his elderly parents' days. One of the first things new people also notice about Chris' room is that he's surrounded by toys and video games, which pretty much scream "manchild", and Chris has been known to post pictures and videos addressed to potential dates in this room.<ref>[[:File:0782-CWCSpread.JPG]]</ref> His [[transgender]] identity haven't helped either - he's now a manchild that dresses like a woman, which doesn't even make him seem heterosexual anymore (sure enough, this happened when one of his Tomgirl pictures was [[Chris in the media#Failosophy|featured on MTV's ''Failosophy'']], where the ''only'' person who would date him was the [[Homos|gay guy]], provided he wasn't joking).
'''4) Chris is physically unattractive.''' Chris is not inherently ugly, but his lifestyle and fashion choices have rendered his appearance deeply repulsive. Even before he started [[Transgender|dressing in feminine attire]], Chris always [[Chris and fashion|had very questionable tastes in fashion]], and would often have an unkempt appearance, as shown in the picture above. When first spotted from a distance by Catherine, she believed she was looking at an ugly old woman. The fact that he [[Chris and health|doesn't take good care of himself]] also hurts his chances of attracting the opposite sex, and has resulted in him becoming [[Obesity|clinically obese]] and [[Hair|nearly bald]]. If Chris dressed somewhat fashionably, bothered grooming himself properly and worked out, his chances with the ladies would improve a bit. In fact, during Chris's stint as a [[Carlos Chantor|male escort]], his appearance was comparatively rather presentable and he appeared well-groomed.


'''8) Chris is ignorant and averse to change.''' A feature of autism is hostility to and even fear of change, and Chris is no exception. Chris often believes that, above all else, his way is right, and [[Clyde Cash|anybody who tries to tell him otherwise is a dirty troll]], especially if it interferes with his immediate [[China|interests]]. This kind of thinking can severely damage a relationship where a well-meaning girl is trying to steer him in the right direction, as many trolls posing as women have tried to do.
'''5) Chris has no idea how to behave around women.''' Chris has many childish mannerisms and social hindrances that are repugnant to women (and men alike). In the infamous [[For My Sweetest Ivy|video for Ivy]], these things are in abundance. Chris thinks that when you talk to a woman you like, you babble and coo like you're addressing a toddler. Also, he thinks that women in this day and age would like watching ''[[Gilligan's Island]]'', an ancient show from his elderly parents' days. One of the first things new people also notice about Chris' room is that he's surrounded by toys and video games, which pretty much scream "manchild", and Chris has been known to post pictures and videos addressed to potential dates in this room.<ref>[[:File:0782-CWCSpread.JPG]]</ref> His [[transgender]] identity hasn't helped either - he's now a manchild that dresses like a woman, which doesn't even make him seem heterosexual anymore (sure enough, this happened when one of his Tomgirl pictures was [[Chris in the media#Failosophy|featured on MTV's ''Failosophy'']], where the ''only'' person who would date him was the [[Homos|gay guy]], provided he wasn't joking).


'''9) Chris is an intolerant bigot.''' [[Homos|He still hates gay men]]. He has shown insensitivity (if not outright [[Niggos|enmity]]) towards people of different races. Woe be unto you if [[Noviophobia|you're ''male'']], too. Needless to say, the only women who'd approve of this stance would have to be outright racists who don't have any male friends themselves, and then you'd have to consider the fact that they must also put up with financially supporting a couch potato who plans to let her do everything for him and shits himself, which would put the total of women who'd be interested in Chris to a big, fat '''ZERO'''. For an example of this and how women would not tolerate such an attitude, consider [[March_2013_Facebook_posts#Gay_Marriage|this homophobic post he made]] (and the replies he got as a result) on Facebook (to truly hammer the point home, Kim, a long-time ''friend'' of Chris's, chastised him for his bigotry).
'''6) Chris is ignorant and averse to change.''' A feature of autism is hostility to and even fear of change, and Chris is no exception. Chris often believes that, above all else, his way is right, and [[Clyde Cash|anybody who tries to tell him otherwise is a dirty troll]], especially if it interferes with his immediate [[China|interests]]. This kind of thinking can severely damage a relationship where a well-meaning girl is trying to steer him in the right direction, as many trolls posing as women have tried to do.


'''10) Chris has problems with authority.''' Despite the cliché that "all girls love [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc|bad boys]]", a sensible woman is going to be put off by someone who is in constant trouble with [[Chris and the law|the law]]. Consider that Chris has on [[26 December 2014|two]] separate [[28 October 2011|occasions]] come very close to being sent to jail for several months; this is on top of his other lesser [[List of places that have banned Chris|brushes with authority figures]]. And it's not even as though Chris's attitude stems from him [[Episode 17#Epilogue|fighting for an important cause]] - Chris is willing to risk imprisonment for something as petty as [[Sonic Boom Protests|the color of an animated character's arms]]. Even if Chris does find his elusive sweetheart, few will be able to put up with the constant stream of bans, fines, and jail time brought about by Chris's [[Chris and anger|poor self-control]].
'''7) Chris has problems with authority.''' Despite the cliché that "all girls love [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc|bad boys]]", a sensible woman is going to be put off by someone who is in constant trouble with [[Chris and the law|the law]]. Consider that Chris has on [[26 December 2014|two]] separate [[28 October 2011|occasions]] come very close to being sent to jail for several months; this is on top of his other lesser [[List of places that have banned Chris|brushes with authority figures]]. And it's not even as though Chris's attitude stems from him [[Episode 17#Epilogue|fighting for an important cause]] - Chris is willing to risk imprisonment for something as petty as [[Sonic Boom Protests|the color of an animated character's arms]]. Even if Chris does find his elusive sweetheart, few will be able to put up with the constant stream of bans, fines, and jail time brought about by Chris's [[Chris and anger|poor self-control]].


'''11) Chris is incompetent.''' Chris has claimed, numerous times, to be [[Chris and writing|proficient]] [[CADD|in]] [[Chris and art|several]] [[Chris and music|of the arts]], but in reality is incompetent in pretty much every sphere imaginable. He compares [[Father Call|cleaning his house to fighting in a war]], and even then, [[Tour_of_Chris%27s_House|his idea of "cleaning the house" leaves a lot to be desired]]. One could even argue that it's because of this and his lack of common sense that the aforementioned [[14 Branchland Court|house]] eventually [[Destruction Of Chris's House|burned to the ground]], the result of him choosing to brew coffee in his bathroom with an extension cable propped over the door. He has been employed for maybe a few months in his whole life, then was fired, as he proved too [[Chris and his Ego|egotistical and stubborn]] [[Wendy's|to keep even a minimum wage job at a fast food place]], and he simply hasn't bothered since. He is completely inept when it comes to [[Chris and money|managing money]], meaning any relationship with him will be a financial nightmare. He gets himself [[Banned|into]] [[28_October_2011|trouble]] way more times than he should, such as his attempts to return to [[The GAMe PLACe]], where basic common sense should have told him to stay away like he'd been told. So, long story short, ladies, If you were looking for somebody to be the "man of the house", would Chris even remotely fit the bill?
'''8) Chris is incompetent.''' Chris has claimed, numerous times, to be [[Chris and writing|proficient]] [[CADD|in]] [[Chris and art|several]] [[Chris and music|of the arts]], but in reality is incompetent in pretty much every sphere imaginable. He compares ''[[Father Call|cleaning his house to fighting in a war]]'', and even then, [[Tour_of_Chris%27s_House|his idea of "cleaning the house" leaves a lot to be desired]]. One could even argue that it's because of this and his lack of common sense that the aforementioned [[14 Branchland Court|house]] eventually [[2014 house fire|burned to the ground]], the result of him choosing to brew coffee in his bathroom with an extension cable propped over the door. He has been employed for maybe a few months in his whole life, then was fired, as he proved too [[Chris and his Ego|egotistical and stubborn]] [[Wendy's|to keep even a minimum wage job at a fast food place]], and he simply hasn't bothered since. He is completely inept when it comes to [[Chris and money|managing money]], meaning any relationship with him will be a [[Financhu Crisis|financial nightmare]]. He gets himself [[Banned|into]] [[28_October_2011|trouble]] way more times than he should, such as his attempts to return to [[The GAMe PLACe]], where basic common sense should have told him to stay away like he'd been told. So, long story short, ladies, If you were looking for somebody to be the "man of the house", would Chris even remotely fit the bill?


'''12) Chris's past will always return to haunt him.''' Thanks to the combined forces of the Internet, [[weens]], and even Chris ''himself'', there are literally [[Incest|volumes]] [[Death Threats|of]] [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|unsavory]] [[DIRTY,_CRAPPED_BRIEFS|information]] about Chris out in the open for all to see, almost all of which is documented right here. Chris knows this all too well, which is why he strongly discourages anybody from doing even a simple Google Search about him. This was, in fact, one of the key reasons why he didn't even make it to first base with [[The Wallflower]] - a ween mailed her a link to the [[CWCki]]. But even if we were to put aside anything to do with the internet, there are still many, ''many'' embarrassing and undesirable things about Chris that will, in one way or the other, surface that would damage, if not outright destroy a budding relationship - to which this very list can attest.
'''9) Chris's past will always return to haunt him.''' Thanks to the combined forces of the Internet, [[weens]], and even Chris ''[[Honest Content|himself]]'', there are literally [[Affair with Mother|volumes]] [[Death threats|of]] [[ShecameforCWC.JPG|unsavory]] [[DIRTY,_CRAPPED_BRIEFS|information]] about Chris out in the open for all to see, almost all of which is documented right here. Chris knows this all too well, which is why he strongly discourages anybody from doing even a simple Google Search about him. This was, in fact, one of the key reasons why he didn't even make it to first base with [[The Wallflower]] - a ween emailed her a link to the [[CWCki]]. But even if we were to put aside anything to do with the internet, there are still many, ''many'' embarrassing and undesirable things about Chris that will, in one way or the other, surface that would damage, if not outright destroy a budding relationship - to which this very list can attest.


'''13) Chris doesn't try.''' Throughout his whole life, Chris has not had even one [[TRUE and HONEST|real]] girlfriend. The reason for this is simple: he won't initiate. Chris is well known to have a fear of talking to women, even [[How to Talk to Girls|resorting to a book to try and get over his anxiety]]. While not as true today, men are supposed to play the role of the "go-getter", and try to woo over "the fair lady". How does the scenario play out in this autistic's mind? Stand around with an [[attraction sign]] with [[Chris and his Ego|ridiculous requirements]]. Back in the day, even if a girl did express interest, Chris would've been too shy to even talk back to her. He's a little more confident today, but it's hardly done wonders for his chances of scoring - instead, he'll turn her off with a cheesy, ham-fisted attempt at a pickup line that just makes him look incredibly creepy and out-of-touch. If there was such a girl who could and would overcome these barriers, the odds that she would meet his standards (just in appearance) are about 1 in 100. And if that ''still'' isn't enough, Chris would never stick to his sweetheart. In his entire life, he has barely had any friends, so what makes anyone in the whole world think he is capable of having a girlfriend? If he is, then his habit of holding back on anything that requires effort and no immediate reward (like moving out, getting a job, maintaining a social life, etc.) will inevitably keep Chris from ever catching that one [[I Got A Fish|fish]] out there.
'''10) Chris doesn't try.''' Throughout his whole life, Chris has not had even one [[TRUE and HONEST|real]] girlfriend. The reason for this is simple: he won't initiate. Chris is well known to have a fear of talking to women, even [[How to Talk to Girls|resorting to a children's book to try to get over his anxiety]]. While not as true today, men are supposed to play the role of the "go-getter", and try to woo over "the fair lady". How does the scenario play out in this autistic's mind? Stand around with an [[attraction sign]] with [[Chris and his Ego|ridiculous requirements]]. Back in the day, even if a girl did express interest, Chris would've been too shy to even talk back to her. He's a little more confident today, but it's hardly done wonders for his chances of scoring - instead, he'll turn her off with a cheesy, ham-fisted attempt at a pickup line that just makes him look incredibly creepy and out-of-touch. If there was such a girl who could and would overcome these barriers, the odds that she would meet his standards (just in appearance) are about 1 in 100. And if that ''still'' isn't enough, Chris would never stick to his sweetheart. In his entire life, he has barely had any friends, and the few "friends" he had were either hired by his parents to babysit their autistic son because they didn't know how to or were trolls from the very beginning, so what makes anyone in the whole world think he is capable of having a girlfriend? If he is, then his habit of holding back on anything that requires effort and no immediate reward (like moving out, getting a job, maintaining a social life, etc.) will inevitably keep Chris from ever catching that one [[I Got A Fish|fish]] out there.


== Present situation ==
== Present situation ==
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Unfortunately, that window of opportunity has closed: in addition to all the reasons listed above, Chris has given up on reality with the [[Dimensional Merge]]. What little remained of his chances of attracting a sweetheart disappeared in 2018, when Chris ended his [[Love Quest]] by marrying some of his [[Polyamorous marriage|imaginary OCs]], and then [[Love_Quest#Idea Guys influences|declined]] an offer of a date with a female fan cosplaying as him because of his imaginary marriage.
Unfortunately, that window of opportunity has closed: in addition to all the reasons listed above, Chris has given up on reality with the [[Dimensional Merge]]. What little remained of his chances of attracting a sweetheart disappeared in 2018, when Chris ended his [[Love Quest]] by marrying some of his [[Polyamorous marriage|imaginary OCs]], and then [[Love_Quest#Idea Guys influences|declined]] an offer of a date with a female fan cosplaying as him because of his imaginary marriage.


Even ''more'' unfortunately, that window of opportunity had not closed as we once thought it did. in late [[July 2021]], the [[incest]] call was leaked, and the grim truth of Chris's love-life came to the surface. Called "the [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11]] of the internet" by some, it turned out that Chris had been in a sexual relationship with his mother since at least June of that year. It is unlikely that [[Barb]] could be considered a real sweetheart of Chris's, since their sexual relationship was probably nonconsensual. If Chris wasn't forcing himself on his mother continuously, there's a high chance that she felt pressured to satisfy Chris's desires and decided to go along with him. This event adds one last reason for why the chances of Chris getting a sweetheart are astronomically low: nobody wants to date a literal motherfucker.
Even ''more'' unfortunately, that window of opportunity had not closed as we once thought it did. in late [[July 2021]], the [[incest call]] was leaked, and the grim truth of Chris's love-life came to the surface. Called "the [[Twin Falling Towers|9/11]] of the internet" by some, it turned out that Chris had been in a sexual relationship with his mother since at least June of that year. This event adds one last reason for why the chances of Chris getting a sweetheart enormously low: nobody wants to date a literal motherfucker. While there's [[Flutter|another contender for this role]], it seems less and less likely that she will actually take up the mantle.


==References==
==References==
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==See also==
==See also==
*[[Boyfriend-free girl]]
* [[List of Love Quest candidates]]
*[[Gal pal]]
* [[Boyfriend-free girl]]
*[[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts (CWCipedia page)]]
* [[Gal pal]]
*[[Infinitely-High Boyfriend Factor]]
* [[Gal-Pals and Past Sweethearts (CWCipedia page)]]
*[[Love Quest]]
* [[Infinitely-High Boyfriend Factor]]
*[[Noviophobia]]
* [[Love Quest]]
*[[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]
* [[Noviophobia]]
* [[Sweetheart from the Ground-Up]]


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{{Love quest}}
{{Love quest}}
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{{CWC-isms}}

Latest revision as of 14:18, 27 March 2024

Kacey: Chris, how many times have you been in quote-unquote "love"?
Chris: I do not know, I do not- I have not kept count.
from Kacey Call 9
A flock of potential sweethearts.

A Sweetheart (sometimes heartsweet) is Chris's flavor-of-the-month.

Definition

Chris's goal is to build a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up, lose his dreaded virginity (which he ultimately accomplished without a sweetheart), and spawn his God-chosen daughter, Crystal Weston Chandler (named after "the illustrious metal" and a name similar to his own). Unfortunately for him, the plan hasn't progressed beyond a handful of troll-engineered dates, a trip to a hooker (two in fact), and having sex with his mother. Thus the sweetheart label finds itself frivolously applied, indicating a status that lies somewhere between "e-girlfriend" and "stalking victim." Contrast this with Chris's Gal-Pals; that is, all of those girls who are still potential sweethearts because they are known to Chris and don't appear to hate him.

Chris's ideal vision for a sweetheart is more or less one that allowed him to continue living as a "self-employed" stay-at-home husband/father/son, since he didn't make a significant effort to support a prospective family at any point during his Love Quest aside from briefly applying for a minimum-wage job for Kacey. Based on his frustration at the idea of doing any work whatsoever, it's likely that he wanted someone to effectively mother him rather than an equal partner, who he could also have sex with and impregnate with a kid or two. Chris also seemed to be under the impression that they'd live with his parents and their hoard, who he'd presumably leave his sweetheart-to-be to raise his kids with.

Qualifications

See Also: Sonichu's News Dash and Attraction Sign
It's the one on the left.

In the early years of his Love Quest, Chris spelled out his qualifications on his Attraction Sign, in a personal ad that ran for several issues in the News Dash, and on various other items including a cover for his Nintendo DS. Subsequent experiences would show that many of these TRUE and HONEST criteria could be bent a little, as expedient.

  • 18 - [Chris's age then] Years Old (though not conclusive, as Barb was 79 years old back then)
  • Boyfriend-Free
  • Blonde or Brunette
  • White
  • Pretty
  • Average or Slender Body Type
  • 5' or Taller
  • No Smoking or Drinking
  • Lives in Charlottesville or Ruckersville Area
  • Has Own Car
  • Average to High Income
  • Happy, Positive, Caring

In other exchanges, Chris established a few more rules:

  • No Children from Previous Relationships[1]
  • No Autism (High-Functioning or Otherwise)[2]

Will Chris ever have a Sweetheart?

Helloooooo, ladies.

Despite an old Trinidadian saying that goes "Every bread has its cheese" (meaning that a special someone is waiting for everybody, no matter how badly off they are), many who have dealt with Chris would be quick to rebut the idea. (However, an argument could be made that Jacob Sockness qualifies.)

However, in case anybody reading this article is curious as to why not, there are quite a few reasons:

1) Chris refuses to grow up. He is a 42 year old man who plays with children's toys and video games all day and lived with his mother up until age 39 (when authorities separated them due to him committing incest with her). Adult responsibilities such as gainful employment and living on his own are completely foreign concepts to Chris, and any money he does receive is promptly wasted on stupid shit he doesn't need. As of 2019, this habit has been coming back to bite him in the ass harder than ever as the Chandler finances sink into an all-time low. Refusing to take responsibility, he has resorted to e-begging a very large number of times like a child to make up for his failure to put the simplest of money aside for food, bills and medicine. On top of that, he has implied that if he does get married, all he'll do is stay home while his wife goes to work. He didn't even plan on looking after the kids for her; he'd have dumped this responsibility on his elderly mother. This lack of maturity and inability to stand on his own two feet would be an instant turn-off to any woman.

2) Chris has issues that would damage a relationship. Autistic antics aside, Chris does a lot of things that upset women. For starters, he seems to have no sense of personal space, and several women have found themselves creeped out by his habit of inappropriately touching them. On his date with Catherine, he made a point of bragging about learning from his mistakes with Megan shortly before he molested Catherine by hugging her and burying his face in her breasts, after specifically being told not to. Needless to say, had this been a real date, Catherine and "Cousin Al" would've beaten him up or called the cops at this point. He also lies a lot, and when he doesn't lie, he makes poor excuses for his shortcomings, both of which can damage a girl's trust in him. His lack of genuine sympathy towards people has led to a lot of complaints about him apologizing without meaning it. On top of that, he seems to be of the idea that women in a relationship with him will tolerate waiting on him hand and foot while he plays video games all day, and bear his children, and enable his deranged theories about conspiracies and trolls.

3) Chris is not self-sufficient. As mentioned before, Chris doesn't have a typical job and has no plans to get one. He also has a habit of landing himself into debt with his purchases. He has also indicated that if he becomes a family man, he will be leeching off his wife instead of looking for work on his own (of course, there would be no problem with him being a "house husband" if he knew how to maintain a household - which he doesn't). It'll become crystal clear to any woman who learns this about Chris that he is definitely not marriage material, as he has at no point in his life been able to support himself, much less a family.

4) Chris is physically unattractive. Chris is not inherently ugly, but his lifestyle and fashion choices have rendered his appearance deeply repulsive. Even before he started dressing in feminine attire, Chris always had very questionable tastes in fashion, and would often have an unkempt appearance, as shown in the picture above. When first spotted from a distance by Catherine, she believed she was looking at an ugly old woman. The fact that he doesn't take good care of himself also hurts his chances of attracting the opposite sex, and has resulted in him becoming clinically obese and nearly bald. If Chris dressed somewhat fashionably, bothered grooming himself properly and worked out, his chances with the ladies would improve a bit. In fact, during Chris's stint as a male escort, his appearance was comparatively rather presentable and he appeared well-groomed.

5) Chris has no idea how to behave around women. Chris has many childish mannerisms and social hindrances that are repugnant to women (and men alike). In the infamous video for Ivy, these things are in abundance. Chris thinks that when you talk to a woman you like, you babble and coo like you're addressing a toddler. Also, he thinks that women in this day and age would like watching Gilligan's Island, an ancient show from his elderly parents' days. One of the first things new people also notice about Chris' room is that he's surrounded by toys and video games, which pretty much scream "manchild", and Chris has been known to post pictures and videos addressed to potential dates in this room.[3] His transgender identity hasn't helped either - he's now a manchild that dresses like a woman, which doesn't even make him seem heterosexual anymore (sure enough, this happened when one of his Tomgirl pictures was featured on MTV's Failosophy, where the only person who would date him was the gay guy, provided he wasn't joking).

6) Chris is ignorant and averse to change. A feature of autism is hostility to and even fear of change, and Chris is no exception. Chris often believes that, above all else, his way is right, and anybody who tries to tell him otherwise is a dirty troll, especially if it interferes with his immediate interests. This kind of thinking can severely damage a relationship where a well-meaning girl is trying to steer him in the right direction, as many trolls posing as women have tried to do.

7) Chris has problems with authority. Despite the cliché that "all girls love bad boys", a sensible woman is going to be put off by someone who is in constant trouble with the law. Consider that Chris has on two separate occasions come very close to being sent to jail for several months; this is on top of his other lesser brushes with authority figures. And it's not even as though Chris's attitude stems from him fighting for an important cause - Chris is willing to risk imprisonment for something as petty as the color of an animated character's arms. Even if Chris does find his elusive sweetheart, few will be able to put up with the constant stream of bans, fines, and jail time brought about by Chris's poor self-control.

8) Chris is incompetent. Chris has claimed, numerous times, to be proficient in several of the arts, but in reality is incompetent in pretty much every sphere imaginable. He compares cleaning his house to fighting in a war, and even then, his idea of "cleaning the house" leaves a lot to be desired. One could even argue that it's because of this and his lack of common sense that the aforementioned house eventually burned to the ground, the result of him choosing to brew coffee in his bathroom with an extension cable propped over the door. He has been employed for maybe a few months in his whole life, then was fired, as he proved too egotistical and stubborn to keep even a minimum wage job at a fast food place, and he simply hasn't bothered since. He is completely inept when it comes to managing money, meaning any relationship with him will be a financial nightmare. He gets himself into trouble way more times than he should, such as his attempts to return to The GAMe PLACe, where basic common sense should have told him to stay away like he'd been told. So, long story short, ladies, If you were looking for somebody to be the "man of the house", would Chris even remotely fit the bill?

9) Chris's past will always return to haunt him. Thanks to the combined forces of the Internet, weens, and even Chris himself, there are literally volumes of unsavory information about Chris out in the open for all to see, almost all of which is documented right here. Chris knows this all too well, which is why he strongly discourages anybody from doing even a simple Google Search about him. This was, in fact, one of the key reasons why he didn't even make it to first base with The Wallflower - a ween emailed her a link to the CWCki. But even if we were to put aside anything to do with the internet, there are still many, many embarrassing and undesirable things about Chris that will, in one way or the other, surface that would damage, if not outright destroy a budding relationship - to which this very list can attest.

10) Chris doesn't try. Throughout his whole life, Chris has not had even one real girlfriend. The reason for this is simple: he won't initiate. Chris is well known to have a fear of talking to women, even resorting to a children's book to try to get over his anxiety. While not as true today, men are supposed to play the role of the "go-getter", and try to woo over "the fair lady". How does the scenario play out in this autistic's mind? Stand around with an attraction sign with ridiculous requirements. Back in the day, even if a girl did express interest, Chris would've been too shy to even talk back to her. He's a little more confident today, but it's hardly done wonders for his chances of scoring - instead, he'll turn her off with a cheesy, ham-fisted attempt at a pickup line that just makes him look incredibly creepy and out-of-touch. If there was such a girl who could and would overcome these barriers, the odds that she would meet his standards (just in appearance) are about 1 in 100. And if that still isn't enough, Chris would never stick to his sweetheart. In his entire life, he has barely had any friends, and the few "friends" he had were either hired by his parents to babysit their autistic son because they didn't know how to or were trolls from the very beginning, so what makes anyone in the whole world think he is capable of having a girlfriend? If he is, then his habit of holding back on anything that requires effort and no immediate reward (like moving out, getting a job, maintaining a social life, etc.) will inevitably keep Chris from ever catching that one fish out there.

Present situation

This is what Chris's break-ups are like.

In July 2015,[4] the CWCki originally concluded that no person - male, female or other - would likely find him attractive, but there was still a small window of opportunity for Chris to improve his chances of enticing a sweetheart, with a major lifestyle overhaul and some serious self-betterment.

Unfortunately, that window of opportunity has closed: in addition to all the reasons listed above, Chris has given up on reality with the Dimensional Merge. What little remained of his chances of attracting a sweetheart disappeared in 2018, when Chris ended his Love Quest by marrying some of his imaginary OCs, and then declined an offer of a date with a female fan cosplaying as him because of his imaginary marriage.

Even more unfortunately, that window of opportunity had not closed as we once thought it did. in late July 2021, the incest call was leaked, and the grim truth of Chris's love-life came to the surface. Called "the 9/11 of the internet" by some, it turned out that Chris had been in a sexual relationship with his mother since at least June of that year. This event adds one last reason for why the chances of Chris getting a sweetheart enormously low: nobody wants to date a literal motherfucker. While there's another contender for this role, it seems less and less likely that she will actually take up the mantle.

References

See also

The CWC-tionary

Relationships: Attraction Location | Boyfriend-free girl | Darling | Dating education | Friend Zone | Gal-pal | Heart Level | Homos | Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor | Love Quest | Noviophobia | SLGBTQ | Sweetheart | Sweetheart from the Ground-Up

Sex: China | Comeuppance | Duck | JULAY | Mass debating | Negligent | Pedofork | Pickle | Recycling | Soul Bonding | Virgin with rage | Virginia is for Virgins | Women's rights

Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | Christian Love Day | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fuzzy-Wuzzies & Prickly-Wicklies | Honest Content | I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Random-access humor | Saga | Scale of Respect | Tomgirl |

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | GOPony | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkops | Kick the Autistic | Manajerks | Naïve | Niggos | Pmurt | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Slow-in-the-minds | Tobacky

Fantasies: Curse-ye-ha-me-ha | Dimension | Fangs | Godjesus | Iron Curtain | OC | Un-clit

Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Nombie-zazis | Parody | Rosechu | Sonichu | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt


See also: Chris and English | List of phrases Chris copied from media