The Kevin and Bean Show Segment

The Kevin and Bean Show Segment is an 8 minute radio clip in which the hosts of the self-titled The Kevin and Bean Show on KROQ 106.7 FM in California find one of Chris's Captain's Logs and comment on it. For the most part of it, they are horrified; so horrified that they spend 2 and a half minutes playing "Viewer Discretion is Advised" warnings before they play the tape.

This clip is one of two radio segments that were aired about Christian Weston Chandler and his antics.

The video

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Transcript

Welcome to the show!

Presenter 1: --he's just a weird, geeky guy and he... [trails off] ...you're not usually a stellar choice, but tomorrow, you'll find out why it's 'Top Gun Day'. Apparently there's a new holiday joining the calender, guys, that we didn't know about. Top Gun Day.

Presenter 2: Hmmm...!

Presenter 1: Find out more about that, also actor Steve Zahn's gonna join us tomorrow. Look, uh, this video we're about to talk about is up at the Comedy section of KROQ.com. I'm wondering if this is a real guy, you know, a real geeky guy and he's speaking from the heart or if this is going to turn out to be the next "Borat". This is some sort of comedy genius and this is some kind of crazy character he's created. What do you guys think?

Presenter 2: Hold up one second.

Viewer discretion warning 1: The reenactments and commentary in this program may contain frank talk of a sexual nature. Viewer discretion is advised. [First guy laughs during this]

Presenter 1: Alright, now that we got that in...

Presenter 2: H-Hold on.

Viewer discretion warning 2:This program contains adult language and subject matter, viewer discretion is advised.

Presenter 1: Right, so he turns this...

Viewer discretion warning 3: This dialog contains sexually explicit content. Viewer discretion is advised.

Presenter 1: He's a guy, who--

Viewer discretion warning 4: These images are too shocking for young children.

Presenter 1: ---he's sitting, he's sitting---

Viewer discretion warning 5: A warning: the following you're about to see and hear is explicit. Viewer discretion is advised.

Presenter 1: ---he seems to be sitting in his room and he's describing things that he likes to do and I can't imagine-- I don't-- I can't put myself in the position of a guy who want to video tape this and put it up on the internet for people to know these sorts of things about him and I figure, there must be some other reason he's got.

Presenter 2: It sounds-- by the way, if he's an actor, then he's a genius.

Presenter 3: Yes.

Presenter 2: It sounds like he's gotten some responses to videos that he has already video taped of himself and put up on online.

Presenter 1: He also has his own little YouTube channel.

Presenter 2: Yes

Presenter 1:And he's developed a cult of people who can't believe what he's talking about. Yes.

Viewer discretion warning 6: Parental discretion is advised.

Presenter 2: Alright, so, um, this is him...

Presenter 3: [Mumbles quickly. She laughs during this]

Presenter 1: Alright, here we go.

Viewer discretion warning 7: If you have little children nearby and you allow them to listen to this conversation, you are a bad parent. A really bad parent. You are seriously [censored] up. You with illegitimate kids and your bad judgement and whatnot.

Presenter 1: He's a little bit of an overweight guy with a receding hairline, he's wearin' the-y'know, the polo shirt, and he's in what looks like his bedroom with-it has to be dozens and dozens of action figures behind him. He looks like he'd be a sci-fi geek.

Presenter 2: He's not talking about sci-fi.

Presenter 1: He looks like he's in his late... twenties, maybe even thirty.

Presenter 3: Aging badly.

Presenter 1: Which makes it all the more disturbing.

Viewer discretion warning 8: This program contains graphic images that may be disturbing to sensitive viewers. The people profiled all survived. Discretion is advised.

[The presenters all laugh]

Presenter 1: You won't wanna survive though after you hear it, here's the dude.

Playing the video

Chris: Captain's Log, uh, Stardate April 28th 2009.

Presenter 1: Anyone who starts with Captain's Log, Stardate...

Presenter 3: Yeah.

Presenter 2: You've got a guy who belives he's living on the bridge of the Enterprise.

Presenter 1: That's correct, yes.

Chris: Uhh... a-about... it's- it's a...good idea some-uhhh, if uh it's a good idea, but, uh.

Presenter 1: Now, he's referring to a video that he put up that people are questioning.

Presenter 3: Okay.

Presenter 1: They're saying, "Why would you do that?". So he's referring to- I think it's a good idea if it doesn't bother you, but if it does bother you, then you don't have to do it.

Presenter 2: What's he talking about?

Presenter 1: ... you'll find out.

Chris: You know you don't have to do it if you don't like it, but... I recycle my own [BEEP]. [The beeped word is 'semen', for you newfags and retards]

Presenter 2: Oh, wow.

Chris: Yes, I recycle it.

Presenter 1: Ok, you could use your imagination but its something that comes out of the body.

Presenter 2: Yeah and its...yeah.

Presenter 1: And by the way it seems to me, and i think this is a rule of thumb, nothing that comes out of the body, needs to be saved or recycled...

Presenter 2:[Laughs in the background]

Presenter 3: No...

Presenter 1: ...or treasured

Presenter 3: ...no, just let it go.

Presenter 1: Whatever fluids or solids you're imagining right now, all of those should be done away with, there's a reason they're expelled from the body, no reason to try to save that stuff.

Presenter 2: That's correct. Or recycling--this is taking recycling maybe a little too far, is what we're saying.

Chris: Anyway, the—anyway, af—from after that the, uh, second topic, the, uh, one where I spanked myself.

Presenter 1: Okay, here's another video he's talking about where he apparently spanks himself.

Chris: Yeah, I just, uh, I was doin' that for fun, because sometimes I do my random, silly, crazy things...

Presenter 1: [chuckle]

Chris: and, uh... [sighs] sometimes adults feel pleasure from pain...

Presenter 1: Alright, now this is where he gets into his big thing which is "I'm an adult, and adults act this way".

Presenter 3: Is he assuming I'm a child?

Presenter 1: I don't know what he's assuming.

Presenter 3: Because he's kind of talking to me like I'm a child.

Presenter 1: But I can tell you that I've never done this I've never really spanked myself on camera.

Presenter 3: But you're an adult!

Presenter 1: But I've never done-I've never spanked myself on camera.

Chris:...even when they, uh, do it to themselves. Just, like, you know, spanking is a generally a pop—generally a popular type, uh, thing amongst adults. And then the, uh, third topic which was the—uh, the—uh, the photographs of, uh, me a... dult diapers.

Presenter 1: Okay so the dude..the dude recycles when he shouldn't, uhhh, the dude spanks, and now the dude wears diapers.

Presenter 3: Why does the dude wear diapers?

Chris:...regalry—legularly I, uh, do not use them, but I just felt like trying a pair on. And it was okay.

Presenter 1: He felt like trying a pair on, he wanted to see what the sensation was like!

Presenter 3: They're diapers!

Presenter 2: Yes.

Presenter 1: How busy is this guy that he can't walk from his bedroom to the bathroom? Now, and here's where it gets interesting, because he again refers to the fact that he's an adult and who hasn't worn a diaper? Y'know, like, who hasn't done that?

Chris:...it just pen—it just builds up and sometimes, uh, it just—I just have to—it just comes out, and I sometimes accidentally, uh... poo my pants. But I mean, who hasn't in their lifetime, I mean, bleep their underwear...

Presenter 1: Umm, me?

Presenter 3: Me too?

Presenter 3: Everyone, probably?

Presenter 3: Put me in that category.

Presenter 1: Who hasn't? So first he says "I wanted to feel the sensation-I wanted to feel what it was like", but then who hasn't? And he did that, and has to have one.

Presenter 2: Ewwww.

Presenter 3: Wooooow.

Chris:...at least once in their lifetime. I mean, we're only human.

Presenter 1: That's true.

Chris:...nothing to be ashamed of. And...

Presenter 2: I'd like to suggest that there is something to be ashamed of if you're doing that to yourself.

Presenter 3:[laughing]] Yes, I agree.

Presenter 2: Perhaps that should be, there should be some shame involved.

Presenter 1: But I go back to my original question before we heard from this nutjob, is why would you put stuff like this up there on the internet? Is it a sexual turn-on to talk about this stuff or is he playing us? I don't think he's playing us...

Presenter 3: I don't think he's playing us!

Presenter 1: I don't know if he's playing us and I...I don't know if it's in the tape because we did have to edit some of it belive it or not for standards and practices and whatnot, but I get the suggestion that he was being asked to do it by a girl.

Presenter 3: Well, if that guy's got a girl he should do whatever she says.

[the others laugh]

Presenter 1: Never get another one.

Chris: And to those who find it amusing, uh, I respectfully disagree with their opinions.

Presenter 2: Alright.

Chris: With that, I just want to continue to make it perfectly clear that I am a healthy,

Presenter 2: Mmm-hmm.

Chris: ...growing,

Presenter 2: Right

Chris: sane,

Presenter 2: Mmm-hmm.

Chris:..and sound-minded, uh, adult individual.

Presenter 2: Yep!''unintelligible''

Chris: And I should continue to be treated and respected as an equal among the human population just as anybody else.

Presenter 2: I'm gonna say "no".

[Presenter 3 is overcome with laughter]

Presenter 1: How did he have time to film this video when Star Trek opened this weekend?

Presenter 2: No.

Presenter 1: And he's holding a video game controller! He's not playing a video game but he's holding it and messing with it the whole time he's talking.

Presenter 2 and 3: Wow.

Presenter 1: Like it's a security blanket or something, helps him feel a bit better about it.

Voice: This is finally the best reason-the best, most solid justification I've heard for the Internet.

[Presenters laugh, tape ends]