Lars Call

Lars, with boat

“	The fuck that shit be??	”
Lars, questioning on what autism is

The Lars Call is a ninety-minute phone conversation where Chris talks with Jackie's black ex-boyfriend Lars, discussing addictions, a parade he promised Jackie, what he would do for a woman, and boats. Chris gets comfortable with ebonics, and hilarity ensues.

Summary

• Jackie had an involuntary abortion thanks to Lars.
• Lars got rid of his boats, Chris gets rid of his Legos.
• Lars didn't finish school because people played Kick the Nigga.
• Lars doesn't understand autism, after Chris's explanation, he thought it was Asperger's and Down Syndrome.
• Chris whines about trolls, not getting a job, and being called a homo. Lars hears him.
• Chris doesn't like when people say "gay" as in stupid, Lars doesn't like when people say "nigga" out of context.
• Sonichu (didn't see that coming), Chris incorporates IRL enemies into his comic. Lars tells him to continue the comic in order to conquer the trolls.
• Lars says Jackie is upset because she isn't an inspiration for Chris to do the comic, and he sometimes doesn't do what he tells her he will.
• Chris tells Lars he's a virgin, Lars says that explains his rage against the trolls.
• Chris rewrites the comic so he doesn't kill "Alec Benson Nigga".
• Jackie better not burn that casserole.
• Chris promised a parade for Alec to Jackie, Chris denies it, Lars has the e-mail proving he did.
• Jackie initially broke up with Lars because he told her he'd lose the boats, and he didn't. Chris feels him. Chris is Lars's nigga.
• Chris is willing to give up the Moon and Mercury if he had it, for Jackie. He's really giving up video games, but he won't sell his "PS Triple".
• Lars spent $35,000 on six credit cards for boats. He won't let addiction rule his life anymore.
• Chris swears on the grave on his Aunt Corina he will not spend anymore on his PS3 (at least it wasn't Patti).
• Lars spent 9 months as a volunteer at a hospital enjoying the sight of old white men dying.
• More bitching about trolls.
• Lars and Chris talk about their criminal records, Lars makes trespassing sound bad ass.
• Chris apparently turns into a nigga himself as about halfway in and speaks in Ebonics (off and on) the remainder of the call.
• Chris would shoot Michael Snyder if he had the chance. Michael was just looking for a reason to ban Chris.
• Lars gives Chris a scenario of someone breaking in. Chris says he's strong and would kick their ass (only if they hit first).
• Chris likes black people on TV. Lars gets mildly offended upon hearing how Chris likes Sanford & Son. They both hold up their fists in black solidarity.
• The conversation goes back to Jackie, they wonder why Jackie is mad at Chris.
• Chris claims that he will make things right.
• Lars tells Chris that his dick is four inches of straight goodness.
• Lars burned his boats because he wants Jackie back and suggested that Chris burn his PS3 to get Jackie back.
• Lars thinks he has the upper hand over Chris in the competition over Jackie. He was known as "Ram-rod" in High School.
• Chris talks about his Cherokee heritage. He's not a "casino nigga" and beats the stereotype that Native Americans have jobs.
• Lars respects Chris trying to win Jackie back, while Lars is "ramrodding" her.
• Chris talks about destroying his first PS3, Lars questions why he got a second one. Chris says he needs it as a computer. Lars asks why he didn't get a computer instead.
• Lars tells Chris to improve himself whether Jackie stays with him or not.
• Jackie can't come to the phone, she's taking a massive shit courtesy of Taco Bell.
• Chris whines that making changes is too hard.
• Lars says Chris is afraid of women. Chris denies it.
• Chris didn't have Taco Bell, he had a fish fillet for dinner.
• Lars lost his virginity at 10; he was scared.
• Lars tells Chris if he loses the PSTriple, his ass will be kicked out on the street and Jackie will be at Chris's doorstep the following day.
• Lars concludes with the fist of solidarity, he will bang Jackie when she gets out of the bathroom.
• Chris promises Honesty to Lars, he wants Jackie AND video games.
• Chris likes orange soda.
• Lars didn't know what Kenan & Kel or Nickelodeon was, he goes to fuck Jackie.

Transcript

Jackie: [In shrill, forced enthusiasm] Oh hi Chris, it's Jackie! How are you?
Chris: ... Oh ... Jackie ... Hi.
Jackie: Well I got your email!-
Chris: Well- ...... Yeah. Oh uhhh. Yep. What's a ... What's ... a ... (sounds of frantic typing) what's .. a what's ... uh your response there?
Jackie: Um, sorry I missed your- missed you last night, I just didn't know if you'd be around! Listen, I'm going to turn you over to Lars right now, and I'll be listening. So you-
Chris: Oh.
Jackie: -two boys play nice, ok?
Chris: Um, ok.
Jackie: Lars!
Lars: YO! BITCH WHERE MAH DINNER AT?!
Chris: ... hmm, hello?
Lars: Yo!, yo-yo-yo. Who dis at?
Chris: ...
Lars: Yo dawg?
Chris: ...
Lars:[Clearly a white man] Yo who did-did? Yo this be Lars and shit, who dis?
Chris: Uh, this is Christian.
Lars; Yo! yo, Christian C. How y'all doin' dawg?
Chris: Um, I'm-fu- I'm fairing out. How are you?
Lars: Doin' alright nigga. Shit. Yo I'll be honest with y'all dawg. I ain't wanna do this call and shit at first, y'know? You diggin' and shit? Bet y'all prolly felt the same way, and shit.
Chris: ...
Lars: But then my-m, my girl Jackie, she be all like: Bitch, you best be doin' this call! Lest I'll be all breakin' up you with y'all and shit. So I be like doin' the call and shit.
Chris: ...
Lars: Yo dawg-
Chris: ... Ye-
Lars: -what you wanna talk about?
Chris: Hmm, well, uh... yeah for uh... well, for one thing, well, I know what you put- what you did do to Jackie a while back, you spike- you spiked her coffee and killed the unborn child.
Lars: Yo yo yo yo yo, dog, yo dog. That my bad and shit, yeah. I'll own up to that shit, sure, shiiit. That's in the past and shit, dog. I own up to that shit, and that's in the past. And I own up to that shit. Yeah.
Chris: Okay- okay, but how did you own up to that?
Lars: Shit, dog, what you talkin' 'bout? I ain't do that shit no more. I made that shit up. Yo dog, what you talkin' 'bout? Shit be long gone, water over the bridge and shit.
Chris: Well, the fact remains that she was pregnant with your child, then she lost it.
Lars: Yeah, yeah, all got- I ain't ready to be no baby daddy and shit. Shit, yo, nigga get scared and shit, fuck. Y'all know what that be like and shit. Y'all ain't be no a-dult and shit, you know? Ain't ready to take on no a-dult responsiblities. Fuck. I done pull a lot of bashin' (?) and shit for that baby, I tell ya what.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: I done regret it and shit. You know? Shit happens. Shit be in the past, though and shit. I'm a new nigga, now. You dig, you feel me?
Chris: Yeah, I hear- I hear you.
Lars: Yo, so I be burn no baby no baby fetus no more neither. I'm ready for baby now. I got a job and shit, I got rid of my stupid boats and shit too, damn.
Chris: Yeah, I heard you burned those boats.
Lars: Got rid of all of them boats. Not just my boats, neither. Got rid of boats, got rid of my expansion pass for boats, got rid of my paint kits for them boats, shit you know dog, I be goin' through my closet and shit, I got paint kit for boats I ain't even own, nigga. Man, sometimes a nigga just face his life and shit, when he ain't facin' it, he ain't realize what he got, 'til it's gone. Be like the song, and shit. You gots to get rid of all that shit, you feelin' me?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: I got boats in the closet, boats in the yard, boats in the living room, boats in the lawn, boats in my driveway and shit. Boats on the roof and shit. Shit be takin' over my house. Like a bad habit and shit, y'all feelin' me?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Yo, yo, y'all got- y'all got any nasty habits and shit there Chris?
Chris: N-nasty habits?
Lars: Yeah, yeah, you know, any boats and shit? Model planes, and trains, and automobiles maybe? Anything that be weighing you down and shit?
Chris: Hmm, yeah-
Lars: We all got our demons and shit. You must got somethin', lay it on me, dog.
Chris: Oh... okay, well I did have a whole city made out of Legos that I tore- I des- pretty much tore it down, and-
Lars: Huh, y'all done got a city of Legos and shit? Man, I feel you, that's gangsta.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: How much 'fetti y'all get for all them Legos, how much money you get?
Chris: Hmm, nah I didn't get very- I didn't give no- I didn't get much money from... I did- there just a whole bunch- a whole bunch of pieces of bricks and whatnot and people are already on their way and most children already have their own bunches of Legos, and they're like they don't need it any more to call up their house and all that.
Lars: Shiiit, I feel you. Take them Legos to the bank, get some Lego bills and shit. Man, I just took $30 worth of nickels to the bank this mornin'. Got myself some bills, I did. Jackson and a Hamilton and shit, goin' to Popeyes Chicken with that shit. Bet you feel that, right dog? Y'all ever been to Popeye's and shit?
Chris: Hmm, no I cannot say I have sampled Popeyes-
Lars: Dog, oh dog you missin' out, missin' out. Damn good chicken and shit.
Chris: Yeah, I'm sure it is, I have heard good things about Popeyes.
Lars: A'ight a'ight a'ight, you feel me, you feel me, and I feel you and shit. Damn, nigga. Yo, yo, I be digressin' and shit, we gettin' off topic. We be talkin' 'bout yours and mines nasty habits and shit, what else do you got, dog? Lay it on me.
Chris: Hmm...
Lars: I feel all righteous and shit, gettin' rid of all my boats, feel like a new nigga and shit. Feel like a whole new day be startin' for me. You ever have a feelin' like that, dog?
Chris: Yeah, I have felt that way before.
Lars: Tell me all about it, dog.
Chris: Well pretty much felt like- felt like a big time star and all that when I had a good number of friends back in high school. But then I had- then I graduated and had to leave Chesterfield County where I was going to high school and move back Ruckersville. And then it just, pretty much went downhill for me, and I didn't have too many friends
Lars: Shit, dog, I hear high school be fun and shit. Oh no, dropped out halfway through 7th grade and shit. That's a cross I had to bear and shit. Dayum.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Been tryin' to go to high school and shit, ain't no niggas in the school system be wantin' no nigga up in their classroom. They be playin' "Kick the Nigga" and shit. Shit ain't gangsta, they be straight bustas and shit. Fuckin' niggas. Y'all know 'bout getting tormented and shit, ain't you? Tormented for your differences and shit.
Chris: Yeah, I got pretty much tormented for my autism and considerable slow-mindedness, that has happened to me before.
Lars: Yo, yo, yo, dog, au-austiss- wait, the fuck that shit be? D- au...
Chris: Autism, it's a- uh, it's a slowness in the mind where, it just, uh, it basically inhibits social functions. Y'know, being able to socialize as well as normal people. You can look it up on Wikipedia.
Lars: Oh, y'all be a slow-in-the-mind and shit, then, huh? Like that Down Syndrome and shit. My cousin got that shit. Ain't got no neck and shit. Fuckin' shit, nigga can't fit no shirts.
Chris: Well, yeah, well, it's not uh- it is not Down Syssdrome, it's way different from Down Syndrome, just look it up on Wikipedia, and it's A-U-T-I-S-M.
Lars: Be more like that Aspergers and shit.
Chris: Um...
Lars: I ain't know anyone with that Aspergers, I hear that's some shit. They be all up in them trains and shit. Maybe I should get tested for that shit, I have my boats and shit. I probably grew out of it though, got rid my boats, though.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: So you got them Aspergers and shit, all right dog- all right. I hear you, I feel you. I feel you, yo, we all got our- we all got our differences, we all gots our liabilities.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: What else you got dog? Yo dog, you- you seem like a nice nigga and shit. Man, I ain't think this call gonna be pleaseant and shit, but so far we be doin' good. I ain't know why Jackie be comin' back to me and shit, when she got you. Says she ain't happy with you though. Why we gotta be talkin'? Why Jackie havin' us do this shit? She ain't explain nothing to me.
Chris: Well, she’s, uh-
Lars: Man, yo, I love the bitch and shit, sometimes she treat me like a fuckin’ house nigga. Shit, won’t-bitch won’t tell me nothin’.
Chris: Yeah. I hear you. My-my mom-it happens between my mom and dad. It’s, uh, lack of communication and-yeah, shit like that.
Lars: Feel that, feel that. Fifty percent of marriages in this country lead to divorce because of that shit. Now, I’m a black man, so I’m naturally afraid of marriage and shit, so that probably ain’t gonna affect me and Jackie. But still, shit ain’t right. Shit ain’t gangsta.
Chris: Yeah. I hear-
Lars: Shit ain’t cornbread.
Chris: I hear that.
Lars: So why Jackie be not happy with you and shit? I mean, y’all know why Jackie wasn’t happy with me. I wanna know why Jackie ain’t happy with you. We got-we got’s to bond like true niggas.
Chris: Yeah. Well, uh, she and I, uh, we’ve had our, uh, our fights as well, but, uh, with my computer went, uh, went all on the fritz and I wasn’t able to get back out-to get back on, and it’s like, I can’t afford to get a new computer right now to, uh, replace-a new computer tower, and, uh, and we-and we haven’t been able to talk to each other through, uh, AIM and, uh, she’s kinda felt neglected on that. And, uh, also she requested me to upload-to make and upload videos to Youtube for her, which I have done, and, uh-
Lars: A’ight, a’ight, I know about them videos and shit. I’ve been watching that shit. Man, I’ve been wondering what that shit all about, then I find out Jackie been asking y’all to do shit. Yo yo yo yo dawg, let me ask you a question and shit, though. Yo-
Chris: Uh huh.
Lars: You been doing these-You been doing these videos and shit. Why she be mad and shit? You be doing what she asks, right? You be doing everything-
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: -she asks?
(pause)
Lars: Somethin’ about-
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Somethin’ about some comic she was bitchin’ about the other day. I was like, “Bitch! Go make me my fuckin’ steak dinner, bitch!” But she just keep railing on about that fuckin’ comic video. I watched that comic video, you scribbled some shit, maybe ‘cause you ain’t colorin’ shit, I don’t know.
Chris: Well, I mean, uh-
Lars: Jackie-Jackie like them colors. Yo, hell, I ain’t got to tell you she like colors. She like me. That’s all the color she needs. I guess she wanted more color from you, though.
Chris: Yeah, well I mean, I recorded that video, I hadn't had a chance to color it in yet, but I had planned to color it in after that, and uh, and th- and I'll be taking the, uh video file and uploading to youtube at the, uh, library. I just haven't been able to get out in my car just yet.
Lars: I heard it be somethin' 'bout you pickin' fights with- with artisans and shit, other cartoonists? You be like, trollin' and shit. Startin' gang wars and shit?
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Turf wars? I come from the streets, I know what turf war be all about.
Chris: Eh.
Lars: Shit. Ain't no winners in that game. Everybody lose.
(Pause)
Chris: Hm. Well it's uh, not really a turf war, it's- ah, but I guess it can be considered like that. It's a- I have- I have been havin' my fights and bouts against a- like, a internet bullies, and cyber bullies. Trolls.
Lars: What is-
Chris: (interjecting) They just, uh- they just, uh- think they're breaking uh- I became like, a internet celebr- internet c-celebrity with my, uh, crea- my uh, my genius of my comic, in my comics and what not. So yeah, they uh, just essentially torture me. They, uh- They- they- they- like, they- uh, really weigh me down. And plus, they, uh- like, called my, like, got my, they got overtime from between the hackings and they uh, pretend to be other people, and- and uh, and all that damn shit. It's, they uh- get a whole bunch of, uh [unintelligible]
Lars: I feel you, dog. I feel ya.
Chris: They get a whole bunch of footage from me and they just twist it and turn it the wrong way and just make my-and they just smear my once good name in the mud. Makes it very hard for me to get a job of my own with the background checks. Then-and they pretty much Google my-Google my name and all you get was, uh-all you get’s pretty much, other than the first, and their sole results is, uh, damn CWCki and uh, damn Encyclopedia Dramatica and that’s just a whole bunch of weigh-me-downs-
Lars: I feel ya, I feel ya.
Chris: (unintelligible) –bad about me.
Lars: That fuckin’ man hold a nigga down. Shit, I’ve been living that shit, whole life and shit. Damn. Fuckin’ niggas tryin’ to hold a nigga down. Yo yo, yo-
Chris: You know, Lars-
Lars: Yo yo yo, let m-oh, no no, you go ahead, dawg. You go ahead.
Chris: Okay-
Lars: You go on with your righteous self.
Chris: Yeah. Anyway, they also misla-they also mislabel me as a homosexual when I am a straight man.
Lars: Homosexual and shit? Damn. Like a- (unintelligible)
Chris: (unintelligible)
Lars: That what they say?
Chris: Yeah they be calling me- yeah, they be calling me gay. But I'm a- but I'm a straight man.
Lars: Man, I know these niggas. Y'all like, they be all like men who have sex with men an' shit? They call themselves gay, but I'm like nigga', you be gay if you be having sex with men. I mean, what that shit about? Fuckin' gay niggas, ain't wanna admit they gay. You know that gay shit, though, I think it's that, that macho shit. Ain't no black man want to admit to being a gay.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Dawg.
Chris: (Unintelligible) Yeah, yeah plus you know what also, you know along those lines what really ticks me off is when they-when they use the word "gay" when the word means "stupid" or "retarded."
Lars: Shit. All be like when niggas be using the word nigga an' shit. That be our word and shit, ain't no one got the right to use that shit.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: You know how that feels 'an shit, it hurts me. Right here. Right fucking here.
Chris: Yeah, I--
Lars: I be tappin' my chest, where my heart muscle is? You can't see it 'cause we on the phone, but that's what I be doin'. To ennunciate my point. So.
Chris: Yeah, I--
Lars: What you sayin' is, when people call you gay, that be hurting you the same way, 'cause gay be like your word. Just like nigga be like my word an' shit. Damn.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Shit.
Chris: Essentially, yeah, I know.
Lars: Yo, yo, yo, yo, dog, dog. Let me, let me go back, let me ax you. Ya'll say you be drawin' comics and shit, what kind of comics you draw, dog?
Chris: Yeah. Ugh, it's uh, from a idea I had. Uh, in a nutshell it's essentially combining Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu. Called him, uh, Sonichu. And that's all--he's like this, he actually goes on the adventures and whatnot, similar to Sonic the Hedgehog in one, he's got like electric powers and he can run fast and everything. They, and he hangs around, he hangs around, goes out with his girlfriend and uh, yeah, eventually they get married and uh, they have children.
Lars: Shit, be like Archie comics and shit. Y'know, I always though Archie be gay an' shit. Fuckin' Archie.
Chris: N-no --
Lars: Archie Bunker with his negativity, fuckin' callin' people nigger. Gooks. Swanks. Wanks. Negros. All of his jughead remarks, shit. Fuckin Archie. That be like what your comic is like, dog?
Chris: Well, I mean essentially, that would be what it would've been, but then I, then that, I kind of like lost track of when the trolls, the uh, the trolls, the typos, and then they weighed me, they weighed me down. And then they, then you know the expression, "too many cooks spoil the broth." Well, they used to get on my mind so much that they get, then I end up drawing them into my comic books, making them into villains, and yadda-yadda-yadda. They just, they just...and they just essentially just worsened my... most of my books. And then--
Lars: Alright.
Chris: Yeah. Originally--
Lars: Alright.
Chris: Yeah. Originally it was supposed to be like, you know, like ages 7 and up, but then I end up going to the content, uh, it could be considered, be like, be like definitely be considered adulterous. Even some, even some--
Lars: Alright.
Chris: Even some--
Lars: I see.
Chris: Even some naked things I had but I, I just up and did. You know.
Lars: You ain't be drawing your comic because these, 'cause these white niggas what be hatin' on your work. They be drinkin' all that Haterade. That why you ain't be drawing. I see.
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Aw shit, dog! That be why Jackie asked you to do the comic and shit! Shit, it all falls together now, the last puzzle piece in place. Cracka, you know if you stop that it means they win, right? Ya'll gots to get up on that comic and shit.
Chris: Yeah, I real, yeah, I really do need to get back to drawing more, drawing more p, drawing more comics and pages. But I just haven't been able to find the inspiration. They weighed me down so bad they just affe, they just affected (?) me in the back of my mind and my subconscious.
Lars: 'Em dog Jackie be telling me she thought she'd be your inspiration and shit. Ain't that the case and shit? What be goin' on then?
Chris: Yeah, she, yeah, she did--
Lars: Jackie be all like....Jackie be all like "Aw shit, nigga!" That's what she said to me, she said "Aw shit, nigga! Why ain't Chris be drawin' no comic for me? Ain't I no inspiration and shit? Dayum!" And I'll be like "Damn, bitch! Go make me my steak dinner!" Bitch be ballin' and shit. Fuckin' smack a ho...shit keeps up. Why you ain't draw the comic and shit for her?
Chris: Y, y, you can't, you can't exactly rush inspir, you can't exactly rush inspiration, for...uh...for one thing.
Lars: Yo, yo, yo! But ain't, ain't my bitch Jackie, ain't she give you the story and shit for this comic vidya?
Chris: Yeah, she gave me the idea of, like uh, for uh, for the, for uh, one dude who originally was definitely not original part of the comic scene, but then he did his parody against me, and uh, in his comic he portrayed killing me and, they're like getting to war (?) go against me and uh, even, even agreeing with this, even agreeing with this guy who pretends, who uh, pretends to be me and...(sigh). Just more, whole bunch of more shit right there. Anyway, what, anyway what she wanted me to throw him a--she wanted me to throw like a parade in a, in a, in a...in the comic, in my comic scene. And you know, like, you know, I mean he did what he did to me in his comics and I took it literally. It's like, you know, he fuckin', he fuckin' just shot, he fuckin' just, a whole bunch of bullet wounds in one go on my, on my, on myself. And I ain't gonna throw him a parade on that, on that, on that scene and whatnot.
Lars: Yo, yo, yo, I feel you angry an' shit, dog, I feel you furious an' shit. You furious at this nigga. An' I feel it. You know, dog--
Chris: Yeah.
Lars: Jackie be talkin' to me. Jackie be sayin', ain't the problem that you hate this nigga. Problem be, that you lie to her and tell her you gonna do it when you ain't mean to. What up with that, dog?
Chris: (Long pause.) Well, I have told her that I was eh--I would not be giving him a parade but she just insisted on that and she just, uh, and I would, I would say that she just, kind of like, got in her mind that, she thought that was that--I was definitely going to do that, even though--
Lars: My shoulder, Jackie.
Chris: Told her--
Lars: Yo, yo, yo, yo dog, yo dog, my shoulder, Jackie. She be all like, she email you and ax you to do this video an' shit, an' then you email her back and say, "Yeah bitch, ain't no problem an' shit, I'll be doin' that." Ya'll ain't made no, no...no prov-ver-acations an' shit. Ya'll ain't made no provesations.

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