Chris's birthday
| “ | Today we celebrate our CHRISTIAN LOVE DAY!" | ” |
| Chris, on being nearly 30. | ||
Chris's birthday, 24 February, is a significant date in his life, for obvious reasons. However, the bizarre inconsistency of how he celebrates (from some new vidya, to wanting his birthday to be a national holiday) warrants some inspection. Ironically, it was also the day the Nazi Party was founded way back in 1920.[1]
Notable birthdays
1999, 17th birthday
Chris received a Pro 200[2] handheld game console, and was photographed looking visibly disappointed while holding it. Unsurprising, given the system only had 15 games (they counted each difficulty level as an individual game), most of said games were Tetris rip-offs, and the system's tiny screen rendered the non-Tetris ripoffs as state-of-the-art as a Tiger handheld game.
He also drew "Bionic Over Autism", which would later be included in Sonichu #6, and created Espanolic, which would later be seen on his CD cover project for school.
2000, 18th birthday
While most people would've celebrated by partying hard, doing something special, or just acknowledging that they have grown into legal adults, Chris got a Sega Dreamcast. While he did have something of a party, it was very much the kind thrown for small children, composed of thrown-together decor, last-minute gifts, and some platonic gal-pals as guests. No strip clubs, no booze, no tobacky, just Kenan & Kel and cake. Interestingly, this was allegedly Chris's best birthday ever.
Speaking of Kenan & Kel, it is worth mentioning that its parent series All That featured a Vital Information for Your Everyday Life sketch that had some very, very eerie foreshadowing:
| “ | If you're a girl and your bra is too tight, you're uncomfortable. If you're a boy and your bra is too tight, I'M uncomfortable. | ” |
| Lori Beth Denberg | ||
The great importance of this event apparently warranted recording as a story, "My big 18th party".
Years later, when asked by Kacey what did he do with his high school friends, Chris could not recall meeting them outside of school at any instance other than his 18th birthday.[3] Likewise, a former Manchester High alumna who attended this birthday cannot recall any other instance in which she and the rest of Chris's high school friends ever hung out with him outside of school.[4]
2003, 21st birthday
If the above birthday was Chris's best, then this one was probably his worst. No friends, no new video games, and no sweetheart. The only present Chris received was his professor kicking him out of his college English class. All wasn't lost, however, as this event was the catalyst that began the Love Quest, Chris's enduring search for someone that will put up with his crying and pamper him for eternity.
2005, 23rd birthday
Chris documented this birthday in an issue of Sonichu's News Dash. It took place at the mall and was attended by his parents, as well as "a couple of his new-found gal-pals, who all already have Boyfriends, or are otherwise undatable, due to her religion." He was treated like a child, and loved every second of it.
The gal-pal who is "undatable, due to her religion" is most likely Anna. Chris has met her prior to his 23rd birthday[5] and he likewise describes Mormons like Anna as undatable.[6]
2007, 25th birthday
To celebrate this milestone, Chris recorded an IMPORTANT MESSAGE, inspiring girls, boys, and dudes of all teenages with the many lessons he has learned from his quarter-century of experience.
2008, 26th birthday
It's unknown what Chris did for his birthday on 24 February 2008, although a week later Megan wrote to him saying "Yeah that internet thing is getting very much out of hand and would like to ask if you could please take down or remove anything that has to do with me from any of your websites. I don't want to appear on those sites as well." A while later she discovered that ShecameforCWC.JPG was meant to be a picture of her. Chaos ensued.
2009, 27th birthday
Chris's 27th birthday coincided with the burial of his late Aunt Corrina. Undoubtedly, this cast a shadow on the festivities. In true Chris fashion, he bitched and complained about not being able to stuff his greedy gullet full of pancakes instead of mourning the loss of his aunt. He would later go on to complain in Mumble 9 about how Aunt Corrina ruined his special day by selfishly dying. He did receive some birthday money, which he used to fund his Ohio trip.
2010, 28th birthday
Chris's 28th birthday is shrouded in mystery. Other than his obsessive desire to see his birthday made a holiday, next to nothing is known about how it was spent. What we do know is that he ingested a mysterious substance and was visited by another male guest. Alec Benson Leary also called in and congratulated him, being the all-around nice guy that he is. Chris had been saving $100 to pay for a prostitute as a birthday present for himself, but he ultimately abandoned that idea after The Wallflower became his friend and he assumed he would be allowed to have sex with her for free.
2011, 29th birthday
The events were unknown due to his hiatus from the Internet, but somewhere around this time is when Chris began to embrace his feminine side.
- Sonichu Canon: Coincidentally (or not), the homo vaccine in Sonichu #10 is distributed into the world's water supply on this day.
2012, 30th birthday
Chris entered his fourth decade in 2012. The 28 October 2011 crimes still cast a shadow. Being the affluent Sony fanboy that he is, Chris bought himself a PlayStation Vita and a copy of Asphalt Injection (a critically-panned racing title that is the worst-reviewed title in the Asphalt franchise).
Leaked Facebook statuses revealed that Chris was not looking forward to this birthday. On 30 January, he expressed his frustrations about soon becoming a 30-year-old virgin, and a little more than a week later Chris announced on 11 February that he had no plans for his birthday.
2013, 31st birthday
Trolling was on Chris's mind on this birthday: he watched the slasher film about trolls Smiley two days before, and the day after his birthday he called out Tara Strong for "promoting trolling".
2014, 32nd birthday
Chris and his mother were staying in their temporary house while his home was undergoing repairs after its fiery destruction. Chris was recovering from bronchitis. It was a quiet birthday. He worked on his LEGO high school, watched the Back to the Future movies, and got some free ice cream at IHOP.[7]
2015, 33rd birthday
Chris took to Facebook, asking for a "very much required" $300 Lego set, along with two $70 Bikini Bottom sets - because he wants to make use of one piece from each set. His given motive is that he "may reconsider [his] feelings upon the lot of you" (note that the condition is that he may reconsider his feelings - it's not guaranteed, but you'll have to send him $400 in Lego blocks to find out). Unsurprisingly, Chris did not receive the gifts he asked for.
2016, 34th birthday
After months of living on the profits from his overpriced art and excessive donations from remorseful trolls, much like the year before, Chris's 34th birthday ended up being marked by lavish demands on his part. This year, he made an "offer" to his fanbase: if they sent him a PS4 bundle of his choosing for his birthday, he would in turn give them a $500 discount on his wide selection of shit on Etsy. Whether Chris even has $500 worth of merchandise that anyone would want to buy, or whether they would receive their purchases in a timely manner, is an exercise left to the reader.
Needless to say, February 24 came and went, with no PS4 forthcoming. The following day, Chris caught some Christorians off-guard by revealing (in the most lulzy fashion) that he had seriously expected strangers on the internet to fork out hundreds of dollars for the birthday boy girl. Not only that, but some had even chosen instead to taunt him by sending him unactivated gift cards and used lottery tickets. And what happened then? Well, in CWCVille they say - that the Mayor's massive ego shrank three sizes that day.
Chris eventually purchased his own PS4 when nobody took him up on his "generous offer", but nonetheless pretended that he'd received it as a gift from an employee of the company he bought it from, in an apparent attempt to troll the trolls and/or rewrite history so he can continue believing that he has a massive terrorist organization fanbase who love him and would do anything for him, even if it breaks the law. And sure enough, he's tried to use them for just that, in the past, inciting them to vandalism and even violence.
Ultimately, many found it simultaneously funny and sad that Chris had to make up his own white knight.
2017, 35th birthday
Turning 35 seemed to awaken a nostalgic mood in Chris; he visited an old playground, talked about Bob and high school and looked up Megan on Facebook in the preceding weeks. The day after, Facebook showed him a video of Facebook friends wishing him a happy birthday.[8]
2018, 36th birthday
Not much happened this year, only that Chris commented about Christian Love Day on his Twitter and Facebook.
2019, 37th birthday
Chris will presumably still be awaiting the Dimensional Merge and begging for more donations.
Birthday Gallery: Witness the Evolution
"Christian Love Day"
Many people see their birthday as a day of personal relevance. Chris, on the other hand, thinks everyone across the globe should be focused on him too. First seen in the CWC Blog, "Christian Love Day" is apparently a second Valentine's Day, but celebrated exclusively by STRAIGHT folk. In the Mailbag, he clarified he "feels like" it should be a nationally recognized holiday, merely because he wills it and it's also Mexican Flag Day. However, Chris provides no details on how to celebrate, nor does he put any effort into garnering publicity beyond one lone video.
In Sonichu, the holiday gains slightly more credence, along with some disturbing moral stipulations. It is on this day that the homo vaccine "cures" the homosexual population of the Earth, driving the Infinitely-High Boyfriend-Factor up to critical levels. It seems to be that this fictional event is the real reason Chris wants to commemorate his birthday as a holiday (well, that and ego). Chris either thinks his comic is so widely known that the date of its denouement would be nationally recognized, or he has a skewed perception of the lines between fiction and reality.
References
- ↑ Nazi Party - Wikipedia
- ↑ [1]
- ↑ Kacey Call 20
- ↑ October 2013 Facebook Posts#Reality Comes Knocking
- ↑ As can be inferred from the fact that The Tale Of The Crazy Pacer was published on 5 February 2005, prior to Chris's birthday.
- ↑ MySpace messages#Jalena
- ↑ Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Birthday
- ↑ February_2017_Facebook_Posts
- ↑ Ode to Julie
- ↑ Christian Love Day (video)
| The Holidays of Christian Weston Chandler's Year |
|
Chris's birthday (Christian Love Day) • Halloween • Christmas |