Emily Date Conversation Transcript

In March 2009, Chris went on his first, and only date ever with a troll called Emily, and it went something like this:

Transcript

Inside, a multitude of voices echo around the cavernous mall. We hear our heroes' voices over the din of the shoppers.

Setup (0:00 - 3:10)

As the recording beings, we hear the technician, "Frosty" arming Emily's mic, cleverly disguised as a third nipple.

Frosty: Okay. lock it. Okay it-
Camera Whore: Are you wearing a thong? Is that a-
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: That better be fucking tight. (Talking about the wire)
Emily: It's tight.
Camera Whore: That might pop out while you're walking and it'll be like-
Emily: I should be like-
Camera Whore: A robotic vagina- *laughing*
Emily: I should be like- *laughing*
Camera Whore: Say "It's my vibrator"
Emily: *laughing*
Camera Whore: It's one of those things you see tapped to those- those hentai-
Frosty: Well the thing is Chris said in the script(?) he would squeal
Emily: *laughing* UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF
Emily: Okay, if he get's like way too close to me, I'm just gonna be like scoot my chair farther away
Camera Whore: (indistinct) I really like if... (indistinct)
Pickle Man: *laughing* Maybe Barb will come
Emily: Probably shouldn't leave the house anymore
Pickle Man: No, if (indistinct)
Emily: *laughs*
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man continues indistinct)
Frosty: There are Barb candidates everywhere (Talking about the free roaming hambeasts that populate the mall)
Emily: Yeah.
Pickle Man: Nononono but but in all probability there should be no Barb, if there is Barb I will shit myself
Emily: If there is Barb, we're done.
Camera Whore: We're not showing up
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: Yeah.
Frosty: *Mockingly* "You brought your Mommy?"
Emily: I should be like, "No put that shit in the bag, and we're not doing anything today"
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: That's it.
Camera Whore: And you can like, call him and be like "You owe me a dire apology and you're a jack off"
Emily: No I'm going- I'm going to yell at him, and make him cry
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: and be like, "I'm going to live in Clyde's playboy mansion."
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
Emily: *laughs*
Camera Whore: I'm part of Clyde's playboy mansion
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: *Despondent* I'm the janitor

They all laugh

Emily: Okay, let's go see if he's there.
Camera Whore: You go see if he's there
Emily: NO! Cause it's- Cause he's- Cause I'm gona make an entrance like: HAIIII!
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
Emily: No. he wants to meet in front of Chick-Fil-A, so..
Camera Whore: Figures... but the general idea would be you park near where you want to go
Emily: *Chuckles*
Camera Whore: (indistinct)
Emily: *laughs*
Camera Whore: (Speaks indistinctly)Did you see those (indistinct) where it kind of looks like a penis?
Camera Whore: Right here
Emily: Oh *laughs*
Camera Whore: It's a fucking penis

A slight pause while something happens, presumably involving the penis shaped object

Camera Whore: Nope
Emily: *Disappointed*Oh
Emily:*Sigh*
Camera Whore: *Sigh*

An uneasy silence falls.

Camera Whore: There's that ugly bitch that looks like Hamster Girl(indistinct)
Emily: *Chuckles*
Camera Whore: She looks like Hamster Girl, right there
(To Pickle Man)Camera Whore: Is that the only one you can see working?
Pickle Man: (indistinct) over by Starbucks? You should (indistinct)
Camera Whore: Nonono she looks like Hamster Girl
Pickle Man: (indistinct)
Camera Whore: Don't she have no hair? oh she has a- (indistinct)
Pickle Man: No, she has hair. She has her hair back like this:
Camera Whore: Oh yeah, I knew that
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: I was gonna say, I donno, cause I guess she died her hair blond. Cause I remember seeing her in some ugly strange colored hair

Target Spotted (3:11-4:46)

Suddenly, the festive mood changes to dread as Chris appears, in full stalker regalia.

Frosty:' There he is!(Noticing Chris)
Emily: (Panicking) Wut!
Frosty:' In the jacket
Emily: (Panicking) omygod EJECT omygod! (as the realization of what is about to happen sets in)

Many voices here, possibly more than the four that were speaking in previously "In the jacket" "There he is" .ect

Frosty: Are you ready?
Emily: Yeah I'm ready. *Nervous laugh/cry* This is going to be my best acting moment ever.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Emily: Yeah, Don't like, look, cause she has to get down first.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Frosty: He'll realize later, that's what it was.
Camera Whore: I don't feel bad
Emily: Okay, but if he like, won't come around and-(interrupted) Huh? I don't have my phone.
There is a short silence as everyone is overcome by the aura of the approaching manchild
Emily: (Nervously, under her breath) Oh my God....

Another pause.

Emily: If this is going to goes all smoothly, I should get like...(trails off)
Pickle Man: Where do I sit?
Emily: Umm, there's some bitches like by the table... oh, oh, oh no.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Emily: Okay, there's some bitches like nearby...
Pickle Man: Yeah?
Emily: Umm, just sit and watch them, talk and eat, then go change or whatever.
Pickle Man: Well, okay. I (indistict)
Emily: Yeah...
Pickle Man: Okay. I (indistict)
Emily: *Takes a deep breath* Yeah.

Emily begins to slowly walk twards her impending date with destiny as she gives instructions to the Pickle Man

Emily: or just kind of walk around and see if you can see us.

The Date Begins (4:47-0:00)

Emily parts with the Pickle Man and advances on the table. The hesitation in her step is audible, but she marches on, straight into the lions den.
At 5:21 Emily contacts the target.

Emily: Hi... (The words come out tinged with disgust, this wasn't the dramatic entrance she had hopped for minutes earlier)
Chris: Are you Emily?
Emily: Yeah, I'm Emily... So nice to meet you.
Chris: Hi Emily this is mah father Robert
Robert: (Cheerfully) Hello!
Emily: Hello

A slight pause while they presumably shake hands

Emily: I've started shopping a little bit.
Chris: thas alright
Robert: You're from West Virgina?
Emily: Yeah, I use to live here for a while but then I-
Chris: *interrupts with a single word* HAT!
Emily: But then I moved to...
Chris: *interrupts a second time* NEAT HAT!
Emily: Yeah I thought you might like it.
Chris: *laughs, amused by himself* heh heh
Robert: You go to school over there?
Emily: Yeah, University of West Virgina, My friend -uh, wanted to go to school there and she's my best friend, so I have to go with her everywhere. *slightly nervous laugh*
Robert: (Cheerfully) That sounds like the best way to do things! (Robert is surprisingly happy, when he's not catching his failure of a son masturbating in the kitchen)
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: *Butts in awkwardly* yeah hey Emily, do you mind a photo of you and me together? (Chris can't STAND it when the topic isn't focused on him)
Emily: (Genuinely Excited) Sure!

There is a short pause and Robert says something, it would seem a picture is taken.

Robert: What are you taking?
Emily: I'm doing journalism.
Robert: (Hard of hearing)Wha?
Emily: Journalism.
Robert: (Teasingly)Journalism? Oh, you're going to be a writer!
Emily: Yeah! *Giggles girlishly* (Who's on the date here? Chris or Bob?)
Emily: I did a lot-
Robert: He (Chris) has a half brother, who's.... Who lives in New York City and uh... does Freelance Writing and Show Review and things... for newspapers and magazines.
Emily: Is it- Does he love it?
Robert: I guess...
Emily: *Giggles girlishly again*
Robert: I haven't talked to him in years...
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: *mumbles something under his breath* You haven't said anything about me, before.

They take a few steps, and an extraordinarily unconformable silence falls.

Robert: You know thats- I worked at uhh- I'm an engineer and engineers never learn how to spell.

Links

• The date (audio recording)