I Am The TRUE, Original CCWC
I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts is a video uploaded on the 26th of July 2009 by Chris in which he redefines the word gay, showcases his artwork to demonstrate his authenticity and finishes with a vicious attack on the Man in the Pickle Suit.
Summary
The video opens with Chris standing in his room, wearing his red shirt with blue and grey stripes, Pedo-Glasses, Sonichu medallion and his Amnyfest Ring. Chris announces he is "here to dispel a big, fat thing". He then explains that the two videos of him singing along to Ok2bgay by Tomboy were the result of blackmail, and that he felt quite nauseous about the whole thing. Chris tells us he was (mis)informed that Ok2bgay was "a mockery", and so his performance was in a similar vein, in fact it was comparable to comedy legends Monty Python. From this, he somehow reasons that since he was mocking being gay as stupid, his true message was it's okay to be stupid. Chris then feels obliged to assert his own heterosexuality by screaming "I AM STRAIGHT!", although the rhetorical question of whether Chris looks gay is met with hesitation before a shake of the head. Confusing the word accusation with another, he also demands the cessation of "acquisition messages". We are also reminded than any dissing of Chris is also a diss of CWCville and Charlottesville. This is all achieved with multiple jump cuts, dramatic removal and discarding of his glasses, wild gesticulation and YouTube video annotations.
Chris then defends himself from accusations of being an impostor by going through the Scrapbook of Fail and display original art from the Sonichu comics while providing commentary.
Video
Transcript
Dispelling a big, fat thing (0:00 to 1:43)
Hi! [points and waves finger] Christian Weston Chandler here! And I am here to dispel a big, fat thing.
[Jump cut]
The...urkay to be gay sign nnhg....
[Jump cut]
When I first read the lyrics I was being blackmailed into doing this.
[Jump cut]
I felt queasy [dramatically removes glasses] from the first time I looked at the very first line [dramatically discards glasses] of that damn, dirty song. But then later, a friend made me realise, uh a friend told me that it was originally done as a mockery! A mockery by the damn Tomboy. A mockery! So I went with that... and did my own spin-off of [arms outstretched] Monty Python's Flying Circus! [annotation: Really Stupid Flying Donkey] So therefore when I was saying it's okay to be gay I was saying it's okay to be STUPID! [annotation: Webster's Dictionary: -Gay (Adj.) 1) STUPID!!![1]] Stupid! That's one reason why I put that message in front of the video. Y'know, the word is stupid! The word is STUPID!
[Jump cut]
The whole premise was stupid and that's what I went with. Stupid! I am straight! [annotations: I AM STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!, I LOVE NATURAL WOMAN BREASTS!!!!!, GIVE ME LIBERATED VAG!!!!! and MY DUCK HUNGERS FOR TOM-TOM TO POUND!!!!!] Would I even be doing this if I--
[Jump cut]
And look at me. Do I look like-- [shakes head in disagreement] No more of those stupid acquisition messages!
[Jump cut]
Get it through your fucking, individual, damn, dirty, SKULLS! I. Am. STRAIGHT!
[Jump cut]
Do not diss me any more! Or you will further diss CWCville and the city of Charlottesville!
A history (1:44 to 4:11)
[Jump cut]
But anyway, to prove another point that I am indeed the real Christian Weston Chandler. And that I am not that damn fucking imposter in brown! I am going to show you a history, [produces a black folder with the cover picture from Sonichu 0 on the cover] of close-ups. A close-up history. Let's have a look in here, shall we?
[Jump cut to a close up of the Sonichu 0 cover]
Ah yes, the infamous classic handdrawn cover of the number 0 book. You can never, ever copy the handdrawn styles. No matter how hard you try.
[Jump cut to Chris's face poking out of the right side of the frame]
My art speaks for me. Now let's look at some more.
[Jump cut]
Here's a one page I'm sure you remember.
[Jump cut to a close-up of Sonichu defeating the Perfect Chaos Monster]
[Jump cut to a close-up of Sonichu and Rosechu kissing under some fireworks]
Mine and the first romantic attempt, and I did an awesome fucking job.
[Jump cut to a close-up of the cover of Sonichu Adventure]
Here's another one.
[Jump cut]
And that corner tag came from an original "Only for Gamecube" title that was originally...a Gamecube title but then later it expanded to other consoles. [pulls picture down and pokes his head in from right) Damn Xbox.
[Jump cut to the cover of Sonichu 1]
"Chemical X?" "No, cherry cola."
[Jump cut to an ad for some retarded pokemon cards]
A favorite classic ad.
[Jump cut to a page from Sonichu 1]
Oh yeah, here comes a laugh. "I'm Robotnik, Robotnik du du du du du Robotnik Robotnik du du du du du duuuu~" "Hahahahaha!"
[Jump cut to a scene from another page from Sonichu 1]
What's the differnce between Amy and Rosechu? Long tail. Rosechu has spikes. Amy has a red headband, Rosey has white. Her default outfit has stripes. Amy's does not. Blue and fire-engine red are their favorite colors. She prefers a different shade of red, Amy does. Now While they are going getting about, we'd like to save time and money with Get-co.
[Jump cut to the Axe ad]
Only for the straight man. Axe. He use the Orizon--Orion scent. "May I orbit your belt, sweetheart?" "Yeah I'll let you orbit my belt...as long as you want until midnight hahaha yeah! Jackpot!"
A history (4:11 to 6:01)
[Jump cut to a scene from the Anchuent Prophecy arc of Sonichu 2]
Anuh-- And now something completely different. An Inuyasha parody, very good.
[Jump cut to a closeup of the Chaotic Combo on the cover of Sonichu 3]
Hey, hey. The gang's all here. What the heck do we care? What the heck do we care?
[Jump cut to two overlapping pages of Sonichu 3: the introductions of Bubbles and Angelica]
Here you are, two famous ladies.
[Jump cut to a close-up of G.D.W. Shinabe]
[sings]I'm Nabeshin, my afro suit, it's so easy to clean just wash it wash, oh Amy was not the girl who ripped his tail, it was Mypoe you dang old dorks.
[Jump cut to a scene from McAttack featuring a replica of Chris-chan Sonichu made of legos and pixelblocks]
Oh look I made it from legos and pixelblocks. And believe it or not I play Thunderhorse! Guitar Hero!
[Jump cut to the cover of Sonichu 4]
I went, I fought. I eventually conquered the courage.
[Jump cut]
Heaven only knows what you might find. DARE. Dare to keep alll your dreams alive!
[Jump cut to a picture of Crystal]
The twin sister I wish I had in real life.
[Jump cut to a scene from Sonichu 4(?)]
Holy beta sigma optimus prime. Where is Bumblebee when I need him?
[Jump cut]
Damn you Bagget!
[Jump cut to a picture of Jack's Knight]
Special something guest star: Jack's Knight. Where is the queen and king? Matter of fact, was there an ace in the hole? The hole of the queeen?
[Jump cut to a scene where Chris-chan Sonichu plays Yu-Gi-Oh!]
CWCspells Activate! Pshoo!
[Jump cut to another part of the scene]
ANDDDD creature swap!
[Jump cut to a picture of Sailor Megtune and her furry form]
In the name of all hearts in the universe we shall punish you!
[Jump cut to a scene where Megagi La Skunk punches Chris-chan Sonichu in the head]
[makes a punch noise] That hurt.
[Jump cut to a picture of Mary Lee Walsh]
Damn you dirty witch. Damn you!
[Jump cut to a group picture containing Chris-chan, Sonichu, Rosechu, and the Chaotic Combo]
Welcome to CWCville. Lets get this party started.
Evil Witch, I will avenge all hearts you have shattered including myself, which you have done in October 2003.
[sings] Uuuhduhnuhnuhnuhnuhduhduhnuhnuhnuhduhnuh ala tuxedo kamen! Duhduhduhnuhnuh
A history (6:02 to 9:34)
[Jump cut to cover of Sonichu 6]
Patti, I miss you. come home. I'll go play catch and dear Kitty misses you too very much so. I love you.
[Jump cut to image of Allison Amber from Sonichu 6]
Miss Alison Amber has been appointed vice-mayor upon her hiring. And she took the postion of mayor during my absence witin the alternate dimension. Billy Mays was never the mayor, he was my bodyguard and body double. Shave off his beard, we look alike. Although I constantly mistake him for Richard Karn. Home Improvement! Home Improvement! Starring Tim Allen.
[Jump cut to previously unseen drawing of Billy Mays]
Come on back, Billy Mays, and enjoy our dogwood festivals in Charlottesville!
[Jump cut to image of Bionic from Sonichu 6]
Sonic had a twin brother. And He's a basketball superstar? *sings* Your a shooting star. No matter where you are as far as the eye can see no matter who you be. Only so many witnesses in Manchester high school have actually witnessed the creation and birth and Sonichu and Rosechu,nobody else could ever had the experience those individuals have
[Jump cut to image of Megan and Chris from Sonichu 7]
Wow, he recovered quick, kind of a Goku get'em attitude. Too bad I was never just that too all into him. Megan... WHY?!
[Jump cut to Chris]
...And for that matter, Michael Synder, WHY?! [annotation: [Why did you Hate My Guts, Michael Snyder; I had my Voluenteer Job with the Pokemon TCG League. What are you, A CONFIRMED INTERNET TROLL?!!! You have my Number.]]
[Jump cut to Ghostbusters "skitch" from Sonichu 7]
*Peter laugh* Before Time travel back I got to visit the ghostbusters' house *Peter laugh*
[Jump cut to image of Kellie Andes from Sonichu 7]
Kellie, I hope you are happy in your married life.
[Jump cut to image of Joseph Herring from Sonichu 7]
Hey Joe, whaddya know? Haven't heard from ya in a long time. How've you been? Hope you found yourself your female sweetheart. She was a damn picky bitch, whatever her name was.
[Jump cut to Beavis and Butthead ripoff from Sonichu 7]
*Beavis Heh* Hey Butthead check it out. Someone left their locker open *Beavis heh heh* Lets close it for them BAM. Who wants to make love today? Oh we do. We do teacher. Alright April, Lorry, Susan, Simooone.
[Jump cut to image of Sonicu and Rosechu embracing from Sonichu 7]
I love you Rosey. I love you too Soney. Oh, by the way, you didn't think Sonichu and I were just living together the whole time? We got [annotation: [March 17, 2006. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!]] married March 17th 2006 at Angelica's church. We kept our marriage outside of the comic pages, as well as our children, which we have three of. Two Rosees and a Sonee. As to just not parently-permanen-prematurally miss the family life during the early days of being online. We are staying offline for a while bitches!
[Jump cut to drawing of Mary Lee Walsh]
*sings* Everybody's trying to break my spirit, keeping me down. but the fire in my heart keeps growing! growing!
[Jump cut to cover of Sonichu 8]
Alright, spring break! Next summer we get drunk. Woo!
[Jump cut to image of Sonichu and ROsechu in front of an American flag from Sonichu 8]
We, the electric hedgehogs and everybody in the city of cwcville as a c-ville within the state of Virginia, stand firm and strong as proud citizens of these United States that everybody have fought so hard for the freedom of.
[Jump cut to image of Rosechu from Sonichu 8]
WE HAVE VAGINAS DUMBASSES!
[Jump cut to "Knothole" ad from Sonichu 8]
KNOTHOLE FROM BLAMMO! DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUNDUN-DUNDUN!
[Jump cut to image of Blake and Bubbles from Sonichu 8]
Oh yeah, they got married recently on July 4th, 2009 [annotation: [July 4, 2009! A bit of Black Bubblie Goodness TONIGHT! :D]. Happy Independence Day you lovebirds *laughs* TONIGHT!
[Jump cut to "Greta Squall" joke from Sonichu 8]
... leaving hundreds injured. For ricto(?) FQX I'm Greta Squall Magironi. Keep it real and rockin' hard. IT'S SPRING BREAK! WOO!
[Jump cut to cover of Sonichu 9] Workin' on it! [annotation: [Workin' On It]]
One final tidbit (9:34 - 9:55)
And now for one final tidbit a spit of retribution against Howard the fiend [Annotation: What The Hells Were You Thinkin' With That Damn, Dirty Pickle Suit, Brine-Headed Nerd?] from the cult of pickle suited fiends. Divine retribution for that day you stole Emily [gives the finger] you damn watchman.
[Jump cut to picture of Mary Lee Walsh, Howard and a hedgehog]
[sings] What the hells were you thinking with that damn pickle suit?
Sauces and Notes
- ↑ Webster's primary definition of gay is "happily excited[;]merry"