Ode to Julie

Christian is in a poetic mood and tries to get all Shakespearean for Julie. He manages to not fart for nearly eight minutes.

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This is a, uh, long-distance love dedication to my girlfriend, Julie. Beautiful woman, beautiful woman.

I love you, Julie, so very much. You are--you strike my thought at every moment, and it makes me p--it makes me ponder with such [sighs] love and desire. I love you so much.

You came from fur--you came from a far distance, of the country Molvania. And also, throughout with respect, though I hold onto it with single hand, I respectfully remove for you, Julie, my medal, and I hold it in my hand as I a--tell the truth in the video here.

O fair Julie, I love you so much in my heart. I--Your voice strikes me like...a lute on a spring day, or a red--or a red robin in an early afternoon. I look at and see your picture as you have sent to me, and I look into your eyes, and I am deeply in awe, as your eyes are like chocolate-covered strawberries. The brown on the outside but a sweet, wonderful woman, that cares about me very much, and will love me no matter what, that is the strawberry within that is your soul.

And, uh, we yet have a similar storyline to, uh, Romeo and Juliet. Only one syllable miss--ing--missing, it'd be like, if we added a syllable it'd be like, "Christiano and Juliet." But, every night you can--e-every night you may cry, "Christiano, Christiano, wherefore art thou Christiano?" And I would be there...int--in your heart, for I a--for my heart is with you. For if I called you up, I would be there in your heart. And I would personally be calling out, "I am here, o fair Juliet. 'Tis no--'tis nobler thy name be heard every mom--every waking moment. And Ju--the sun is in the east, and Juliet is the sun." Though I know not m--Shakespeare, but at least I know enough to getteth by.

I...th-think of you, Juliet, at every moment, and it makes my heart pound so much faster, it gets me jazzed up like I was rell-wested, y'know, like after a buzz after drinkin' a caffeinated beverage. Because I have s--because we have talked for a little while and I have seen s--the love and honor in my--in you, my Julie. And you have seen the yell--the love and honor in my heart. And yet also similar to Romeo and Juliet, though our families are not in quarrel with each other, my family is paranoid for my safety for traveling a long distance. Yet what used to--what separate us before was an ocean and a bunch of other countries including Germany, yet now the only thing that separates us, in distance, is North Virginia. And yet I would be willing to, uh, travel that dista--travel the, uh, distance that may--that may be equal to less than a day, after I have the money, and my mother is less paranoid. But you s--but it is not as much parental restriction as it is, uh, I feel I need the emotional support to back me up in my fair quest for a true--for a true love.

And let's not forget my, uh past--my, uh, past. Mm. I'll only mention her once, but: Panda...I know you are...somewhere up there, after the fire, and we will not forget you. But I look to a bright future, where Julie and I will feel--will feel that--will feel that love and then more, after we are brought together by a, by a grooming bit of fate that is a small traveling distance.

But I would lo--but I love you Julie. I love you so much that I'd be willing to, uh, spend the amount that is needed for the gas--and the food--to travel the less-than-a-day trip...to you. And anything should happen to you, my sweet Julie, it would hurt me so much. Would hurt me. But we don't need to face such, uh, grim consequences, as you are--as, uh, we both are living alive and well, and, uh, we also have the support of, uh, your brother and, uh...and, uh, another one who is--who was a troll, but has emotionally took an one-eighty. One-sixty? No, one-eighty. It's three-sixty that's full. The only--the only factor missing that would--the only thing missing that would complete the emotional support would be that of my fam--would be that of...my mother. For she is the--for even though for my father--ennh, you know what, I talk too much about, uh, what prevents us from being together. But, I promise you, Julie, that in the near future, we will be together, whether it be by my swift driving distance...and I'd be--I'd be willing to travel that driving distance, after I get the directions.

Because I love you with my heart, Julie. I love you for who you are, the sweet, kind, gentle person that you are. The woman that understands me very much. We have a good number of things in common, Julie. And I am proud that--to hear--to know that you are going to a church as well. It's gonna be a...well, hopefully with the power of God at our sides, we'll be together very soon. For the power of God can influence even the, uh, most paranoid of souls, I'm sure.

[strains himself until he farts, then sighs contentedly]

So I pray to him every night, that you and I would be together with full emotional support from everyone within our rea--within our respective reach. [clutches stomach] My heart yearns for you, Julie, very much. I love you. I love you, Julie. I cannot say that I would die without you, because that would be an exaggeration. But, I would--but, it is better to say that I am a more nobler and much better person when I am around you and when I think of you or when I talk to you. Mm, and I look at your...beautiful face in your picture. [clutches stomach] I love you, Julie. I love you in my heart.

I'll be--I am always be with you in spirit, and soon enough I will be with you in person. So, y'know, every night I can call out, "O fair Juliet, fair Juliet, wherefore art thou, fair Juliet?" And you would...wait, you would wander from the bushes that is the distance into my heart, and you would say, "I am here, o fair Christiano, for--and we are to be together, as the gods join--as the gods so willed..." And yet, uh, and yet we traveled this distance to be together, our hearts are emotionally joined.

So let us get together, Julie, because you j--you love me, and I love you. Both of us love each other with our hearts.

[cups manboob, then pretends to hug Julie until she gets there] I'm hugging you, Julie. Mmmmm.

I'll talk to you later.