Difference between revisions of "14 Branchland Court"

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(I loveeeeee little girls~)
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{{Honest}}
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[[Image:CWCHouse.jpg|thumb|right|Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.]]
[[Image:Chris house.jpg|thumb|right|Aerial shot of the Chandler residence.]]
[[Image:BranchlandCourt.jpg|thumb|right|A more awesome (and badass) depiction of 14 Branchland Court]]
 
[[14 Branchland Court]] is the domain of the [[Chandler]] clan. It is a white (now yellowed to ivory) two-story house trimmed in [[homo|pink]] (faded from a dark red) with three bedrooms on the outskirts of [[Ruckersville, VA]]. The property is near the intersection of Branchland Court and Westwood Drive, facing northwest.  The house itself reeks of the early 1980s, having tacky fake shutters and vinyl siding. The house probably hasn't been re-sided in years. As a result of its dated look, in addition to the decaying gardens and overgrown yard, it has done a number on local property values.
 
As of [[2009#March|March 2009]], all space not used for walking or sleeping appears to be packed full of junk. However, in earlier pictures (those of [[Chris]]'s 20th birthday, for instance), the house was actually once quite tidy. In his [[Tour of Christian's House|video tour]], Chris also keeps referring to the fact that "things got cluttered," suggesting that the house has grown fuller and fuller in the past decade. "Clutter" is, of course, a horribly inadequate understatement. The house is packed with shit; the former living room is unusable, with junk filling the entire space and reaching within two feet of the ceiling.  The other rooms are similarly full of junk, but rather than solid blocks of shit, there are small crevices with chairs, TVs, and other furnishings.
 
==The Tour==
 
:''Main article: [[Tour of Chris's House]]''
 
In two videos uploaded on [[2009#March|27 March 2009]], Chris provides a tour of his house and the property that it's on. Like his own room, Chris's entire house is a [[fail|disaster area]]. Several rooms are so full of [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|shit]] that Chris literally cannot enter them.
 
What follows is a brief description of the rooms and other areas of 14 Branchland Court.
 
==First floor==
In the north corner is what Christian describes as "the music room," which is now primarily the domain of [[Barbara Chandler]], who frequently sleeps there.  A small bathroom is directly in front of the stairs leading up to the front door.  On the other end of a short hallway is the utility room, in which the family keeps a refrigerator in addition to the usual washer and dryer.  The family room (possibly in the west corner) has been claimed by [[Bob Chandler]], who apparently sleeps there as well.  If Chris's parents ever had, or used, dedicated bedrooms in the house, they have yet to be filmed.
 
==Second floor==
[[Image:411-CWCWeekP5 crop 2.jpg|thumb|right|[[Barbara]] moving Chris's earthly possessions from [[Richmond]] back to the living room in [[April 2000]]. The junk was already amassing.]]
 
[[Chris's room]] is in the northern corner of the second floor.  Across the hallway, near the eastern corner, is a filthy bathroom, which apparently has not been cleaned in years, as implied by the dark brown or green mold growing in the shower and the peeling of the veneer on the cabinetry.  The kitchen and dining area are apparently near the southern corner and southwestern wall.  The computer Chris uses for Internet access seems to be in this part of the house, as well as a Christmas tree left up year-round.  Tellingly, Chris has actually photographed himself with [[Officer Nasty]] and [[sex toys|dildos]] in the kitchen, and has even [[mass debating|mass debated]] over a webcam feed. This implies that Snorlax and Bob never actually leave the areas in which they sleep and spend their days there, leaving Chris free to do [[sex tape|whatever he wants]].  The living room, packed with boxes and shit, is across the stairway from [[Chris's room]].
 
==Yard==
On first examination, you'd be forgiven for mistaking Chris's yard for Silent Hill, But the yard of the house consists of some simple crossed wood planters near the curb and some small shrubs and trees out front. The plants in the planters have long since [[Chris and death|died]], probably due to a [[Dirty crapped briefs|foul stench]] poisoning the air. The backyard contains a shed, and a small platform leading to a back entrance. The shed is full of shit, most notably a car, and was once the place where the [[Robert Chandler|Lumberjack]] would tinker with machines. After that, there are some trees and the pen where [[Patti]] once played. Her doghouse still stands, and she is buried nearby. At some point, a tree branch fell on the grave. Being the pansy-ass he is, Chris cannot muster the strength to pick the damn thing up. Some have speculated that this is [[GodJesus|divine intervention]], in order to keep Patti's body safe from Chris and his [[Rule 34|fur-fag]] tendencies.
However in earlier pictures (when Chris was less huge and he had yet to start the [[fuck quest]]) We can see that the yard used to be quite lush and beautiful, with a variety of flowers planted around the area, the grass clipped, and the trees were healthy. Many people speculate that over the years Chris's parents have gotten too ugly or too lazy to care for their garden leaving the area quite barren.
 
==Mail==
If you would like to send a letter to Christian, or perhaps mail his parents some of the many [[nudes|NOODZ]] he has posted on the internets in recent times, you can contact him at:<br><br>
 
''Christian Weston Chandler,''<br>
''14 Branchland Court,''<br>
''Ruckersville,''<br>
''VA 22966-9545,''<br>
''United States of America''<br><br>
 
'''NOTE:'''<br>
Based on previous experience with mail, it is likely that one of two things will happen to the letter should you choose to send it: 1) It will be intercepted by Chris, who apparently takes his parents' mail on a regular basis, or 2) Barbara and Bob will receive it, and dismiss it as old news (reports show that they have read some of the letters and ignored them).
 
Chris will however respond to fan mail provided there's a return address on the envelope.
 
==Visiting==
 
Visits of 14 Branchland Court, at least until Chris inherits the house and promptly trades the deed to a troll for some magic beans so said troll can found the ''Christian Weston Chandler Museum of Fail,'' are ill advised. The US Surgeon General in cooperation with the Environmental Protection Agency, strongly recommends avoiding the area due to toxic fumes and the like.
 
While a troll who does manage to make it to the front door will probably not be assaulted by Chris, they will most likely face Chris as he calls for his elderly parents to fight his battle or perform a [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha]].
 
==See also==
*[[Chris's room]]
*[[Ruckersville, VA]]
*[[Charlottesville, VA]]
*[[Tour of Christian's House]]
 
==External links==
Other famous hoarders...
 
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collyer_brothers The Collyer Brothers] (Infamous NY hoarders who ended up being crushed to death by their own shit)
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Trebus Edmund Trebus] (Eccentric Polish immigrant who ended up being a TV star because of his hoarding)
 
[[Category:Places]]

Revision as of 20:39, 18 August 2009

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