Song of Christian

At age sixteen Chris had to write a poem for class, but failed miserably. He later made a video that showed him raging about the deserved F which showed up on his documentary DVD.

Compared with his voice today, at age sixteen he emodied the dulcet tones of James Earl Jones and shared the octave range of Captain Beefheart. What happened in between then and his Harvey Birdman Commercial is up for debate.

The poem

The Homemade Nintendo Power magazine

I hear America singing as I sing of myself
And you experience as I experience
The problems of yourself are my problems.
[?] The young singing cries of happiness
As you have sung the song of laughter.
At age six weeks I sang this song of laughter
Then at one and a half years of age, the Lord put the mute button on me.
Those are my parents song they pulled me through to talk again at age seven.
I am now sixteen years old and good at talking enough to help me achieve new goals and Mario raceway records and to finish Homemade Nintendo Power magazine.
The magazine's songs, the ballad of Sonic the Hedgehog on Game Boy.
The rudeness of the teenager's song,
The despicable mention of rude words and...D-R-U-G-S.
I am not afraid to speak despite the hazardous flukes in America's song.
My song that I sing, although I talk well,
My peer relationship is low, and my loneliness is off the scale.

Analysis of the Text

Line 1. Compound plagiarism from the American poet, Walt Whitman, a notorious homosexual who wrote poems about masturbation.

Lines 2-3. Christian identifies himself with the rest of America in having "problems:

Lines 4-8. Christian discusses being Silent All These Years. As a child he had an unpleasant experience involving a babysitter named Roach that caused him not to speak for six and a half years.

Lines 9-10. Christian says he can talk fine now, plays video games, and made a homemade Nintendo Power magazine. Riveting stuff here.

Lines 11-13. Christian expresses discomfort with his peers, music, and lifestyle decisions, especially drugs.

Lines 14-16. Baw baw baw I'm lonely.

The poem is typically narrsicistic Chris. He talks at length about himself, gives boring autobiographical details as if we're supposed to feel pity for him, and seems to think he's the only person who's ever had any problems.

The video

Part 1

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Just showing off his Homemade Nintendo Power magazine.

Part 2

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Chris rages at 7:38 and 9:14 if you want to skip all the shit no one cares about.

Transcript

[simulates blowing a trumpet, or the sound of a diseased rooster, to mark his arrival]

Welcome ladies, and gentlemen, to the Christian Chandler Show!
Bringin' ya lots of laughs, and all that neat 'ol stuff. Now here he is, the host with the most: Christian Chandler!

[simulates the cheers of a crowd, and reveals himself to the camera]

Good evening friends, and welcome to the Christian Chandler Show. I am your host Christian Chandler. Now tonight we are gonna talk about poetry. And uh, line-an' uh behind the scenes of part of the lines - which got me inspired. An' I'm gonna express my feelings a little bit, so please don't laugh. I feel, I'll feel embarrassed. Okay. Anyway, my poem is called, entitled, "The Song of Christian". And I just did it last night on May 14th, 1998.

[iritated undecipherable mutter] Anyway, uh, I'm gonna do my poem now so (kick house?):

[recites poem]

An' anyway that's my poem.
Now we gotta go behind the lines, and see how it all got inspired.

Now the, uh, first line line "I hear America singing", and uh "Sing of myself". I got those from the combination of the first line of, both, "Song of Myself" and-s ah..s'I.. "I hear America singing". And the "experiencing" and ("problems"?) .... I made those up myself. And of course, ya know, the ahh youth. I'm talking about the young children here. They start singing their cries of happiness when they are born. With their little 'giggles' and 'tee hee hees'. [sigh] That's just the sound of laughter. At age six weeks, I started... the sound of laughter which is my-when I start talking. Now my first word was 'monkey' and here's how it happened. My mother and I went down to (Best___?) in Charlottesville many many years ago. Of course you know at age six weeks I was born in 1982. [sigh] Anyway, uh, my mother was carrying me in her arms, and she was shopping, when then all of a sudden I said "monkey"[baby talk voice].An' there was a wo-uh, there was an old woman near by, and uh, she suh-h-heard me and then came over and asked my mom, "Was that your son?", and my mom said, "Yup, that was my son". Ahh... she didn't say anything she was just shocked.

An' anyway I, uh, went on-and-on with my mouth. That is until the age one and-a-half... years... [sigh] The sad thing that happened... The Lord put the mute button on me. CLICK FLICK [Light switch motion]. That's when my ad-me-I'm representing my Autism there. The Lord clickin' the mute button. [sigh] An' anyway here's where my autism began: I'm gonna to be real truthful here. Uh, I had a babysitter, but uh, she was kinda've mean babysitter. Anyway, ah, one day she was on her phone and, uh, I came up t-I came up to her, I came up with her, and said something and, uh, she was kinda angry at me 'cause I interrupted her phone call. AND she locked me in a room fulla noth-n-fulla nothing but toys, and , uh, she just locked me in there. And, uh, I was very lonely so I just sat there and cried, and... uh that's how my autism began. Thanks to an evil babysitter.

And then thanks to my parents - actually my ma did most of the work, but, uh, it was thanks to my parents, they got me talkin' again at age seven. An' anyway here's how they-it happened. My mother, my mother, always took me down to the toystore, ahh, at least every weekend on...[sigh] to, uh, wa-l-look at the, to read the packages. Like to say for example 'Go-Bots'. You remember those old goh-fashion Go-Bot toys? Well, anyway, with (mario?) hands me the package is, and thepackageis [All in one breath] for me, and I read along with her. And, uh, well we just read the, uhh, top name of the fi-name of the toy, and the name of the, uh, to-and the uhhh name of the... character that it represents. And then on an the-go to the flip side and see all the other characters, name all the other toys in the collection. And of course we did the same for fu-the old-fashioned Transformers. Yes. [Head confidentally turns to look at items off-camera]

And also wit' mother an' I, and also sometimes mother and I'd buy some Lego sets and build them together, like, for example... [mumbles about getting his "stupid thing"] oh yeah... Like for example this old, uh, bicycle (pig?) shop here. Ah, you can tell this is an old-fashioned Lego set on account of this-the old-fashioned "LegoLand" on the corner. Anyway, ah, we always built something like this, but uhh since that... and one time we even built a nice racetrack. I don't still have my Lego tin, but uh... I NAMED MY CAMERA NIBBLE(?)...[sigh] I don't think... that it's good to have, uh, oh well anyway.

Excuse me.

Anyway, Mother and I always had fun together. But then at age five, age seven my mouth blabbed ah I started blabbin' my mouth again. Daarn that collar! [Voice cracks] And then, uh, the ah "Helping to acheive new records on Mario Raceway". You know I like the play video games. I mean, I have: Nintendo 64 video games, the Super Nintendo games, Genesis, old-fashioned Nintedo, Game Boy, Game Gear, Sega CD, 32X, and I also got lotsa Tiger brand LCD games. An' anyway I was a video game p-person, and my favorite type of game were racing. So, um, one of my favorite Nintendo 64 games were-was Mario Kart 64. I'r, uh, I was already tryin' to beat my ghost on the, uh, Mario Raceway Time Trails mode. My best time, my best record is, as Mario: Ah minute, twenty-one, and eighty-nine seconds. Me-uh... excuse me... I mean a 1'21"89. Yeah, that's it. An' anyway I always like to beat my records.

But then the, uh, Nin-ten-do Ma-ga-zine that's da'uh maga-zine you heard that was lost. There it is: my home-made Nintendo Power magazine. Actually, that's just the cover. I'm, ah, working on it... on the insides, like a regular Nintendo Power magazine. When I'm done it should have a hundred-and-eight pages including the front cover, and the back cover. Ah, right now I'm only on, uh, page 35. [sigh] I'll show you, ah, the pages that are inside it. We have your, uh, your, ah, type of contest that they're mentioning of the main article... that goes with the table of contents there. [sigh] Then we have the winners section. Now you seen the, uh, the two envelopes on this page? I actually created them on u-other envelo-on two envelopes myself an' kinda copied that from the envelopes onto here. And on this page the three of those? I just kinda made up myself. That's, uh, Cruisin' USA, Zelda, and Yoshi's Story. [Christian exhales and ruffles through the pages]. And we have the, uh, Power Charts. Which is the Top Ten Nintendo 64, and Super Nintendo, and the Top Five Game Boy games. Of course the Most Wanted, and some more letters, and I just a made up a letter about somebody winning the Zelda contest. Ya know, test the Zelda 64 game that is gonna come out later. WAAAY later, I-in fact, we don't even know-we're not exactly sure WHEN it's gonna come out. Darnedest thing is slippin' on me [Christian reassembles the magazine].

An anyway, I had this dream a long time ago about Sonic on Game Boy. So that's what I based my magazine on. 'Course you can tell on the cover he's switched from SEGA to Nintendo. SO I started off by making my on Nintendo 64 game: Sonic 64. Isn't that a cool picture or what? [shoves crude drawings into the camera] Alrigh' anyway, you got your castle over there. Sonic and Tails. 'Scuse me a sec...