Mumble 3

Mumble 3 is the third of the Mumble chats involving Chris.

Summary

• Julie is having problems with her microphone.
• Chris tries and fails to diagnose the problem.

[4:00]

• Julie reveals that she’s a professional cook.
• Chris’s favorite food is macaroni and cheese.

[6:00]

• Julie doesn’t know why Max stole her password.
• Chris recommends snooping around his room for clues.

[8:00]

• Julie wants to talk about her relationship with Chris.
• Chris says “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” instead.

[9:00]

• Julie asks if Chris has heard from Cameron yet.
• Julie says that his/her country, Molvania, was destroyed.
• Julie keeps getting confused about Cameron’s gender.

[10:30]

• Chris describes Virginia as “okay” and “a historic town”.

[12:00]

• Clyde joins the channel, but he leaves right away.

[13:00]

• Chris says that he’s recovering from the stress of the Internet.
• Chris’s phone alarm goes off, making him lose his train of thought.

[14:30]

• Chris went with his dad to get his pacemaker checked.
• Julie says that Chris’s mom is an awesome singer.

[16:00]

• Julie hopes that Clyde is gone from Mumble for good.

[17:00]

• Chris previews Simonla and Wild’s upcoming relationship.

[18:00]

• Chris likes some heavy metal music and loves Guitar Hero.
• Chris created himself and a Sonichu guitar in World Tour.
• Chris uploaded a video of himself playing the game to YouTube.
• Chris doesn’t know how to play guitar but doesn’t care.

[19:30]

• Clyde comes back, but he’s not in Chris and Julie’s channel.

[20:00]

• Chris loves Britney Spears, and Julie likes her, too.

[21:00]

• Chris says that all of his female characters think he’s handsome.
• Chris’s mom tells him that he’s handsome all the time.
• Chris thinks he’s handsome and can’t understand why he’s single.

[22:00]

• Julie isn’t sure when she’ll be able to afford to come to Virginia.
• Clyde shows up to ask Chris why he hasn’t killed him yet.
• Clyde insists that he’d too nice to be on drugs this time around.
• Chris hasn’t killed Clyde because Clyde is slowly killing himself.

[25:00]

• Clyde leaves the channel, and Julie says she has to leave for a bit.

[26:00]

• Chris asks Julie if she’s receiving any aid from her relatives.

[27:00]

• Chris realizes that Clyde has heard the whole conversation.

[28:30]

• Chris is “mostly attracted to women”.
• Chris likes to draw attractive female characters.
• Chris loves his “brain-children”, but he’d never have sex with them.

[30:00]

• Chris watches porn, and Encyclopedia Dramatica has frustrated him.
• Chris wanted to do something to “stretch an adult muscle” in his head.

[31:00]

• Chris can draw romance well despite being a frustrated virgin.
• Chris is random, and sometimes he does what he feels instead of thinking.

[31:30]

• Chris’s comics are intended for children.
• The adult scenes are to be appreciated by teens and adults.

[33:00]

• How to Talk to Girls took the words out of Chris’s mouth.

[34:00]

• Chris tells Julie that she didn’t miss anything important.
• Julie explains that she was helping Max in the kitchen.

[35:30]

• Chris would consider making more non-Sonichu characters.
• Chris figures that Julie could help when she moves to Virginia.

[37:00]

• Chris doesn’t feel comfortable traveling long distances alone.
• Julie hopes to have slowly moved over to Virginia within the year.
• Chris lets Julie know that she could board with him.

[39:00]

• Most men are more comfortable with a “Sadie Hawkins situation”.
• Relationships are different in America than they are in Molvania.

[40:30]

• Chris explains how he used to wait for women to approach him.
• Chris trusts Julie, but he worries about what his mom will think.

[41:00]

• Chris suggests that Julie just “take a plunge”.
• Chris somehow realizes that he should be taking his own advice.
• Julie promises that she will try to come to Virginia within the year.
• Chris thanks Julie sincerely for her promise.

[42:00]

• Julie worries that Clyde will rape her like he raped Panda.
• A half-Asian guy drove by Julie’s house and glared at her.
• Julie worries that the half-Asian guy might’ve been Clyde.
• Julie regrets that she didn’t get the guy’s plate number.

[43:30]

• Chris is the strongest, toughest person Julie knows.
• Chris assures Julie that she can trust him to protect her.

[45:00]

• Chris and Julie are happy that they can trust each other.

[47:00]

• Julie sees someone outside of her house and is worried.
• Chris says that it’s best to just not think about it.
• Julie says that the person is holding something – perhaps a gun.
• Chris repeats that it’s best to just not think about it.
• Julie goes to lock her door because she hears pounding.
• Chris laughs hard when he’s told that it was just a salesman.
• Chris had been “quaking” with fear – an obvious lie.

[48:30]

• Chris links Burnout to the Transformers’ Bumblebee.
• Julie links the game to Back to the Future’s DeLorean.

[50:30]

• Julie wants to play video games with Chris for hours on end.
• Chris repeatedly suggests that they could “play” in other ways.

[52:00]

• Chris reveals that he is willing to let Panda be with Clyde.
• Chris says that he will let Julie take his virginity.
• Julie thanks Chris and says that she can’t wait.

[53:00]

• Chris will do his best and hopefully not prematurely ejaculate.
• Chris supposes that he has learned from pornography.
• Chris guesses that cowgirl will be his favorite sexual position.

[54:00]

• Julie will try her hardest to visit Chris on his birthday.
• Chris wishes that Julie could see him smiling at that news.

[55:00]

• Julie asks Chris for a description of their future first time.
• Julie says that she will let Chris take her virginity.
• Julie is making Chris hard, and she should take that as a compliment.

[56:30]

• Chris begins describing their future first time in detail.
• First up is a make-out session, and Chris will have eaten strawberries.

[57:00]

• Julie says that she’s already masturbating to his description.
• Next up is Chris taking off his pants and having Julie warm him up.
• Julie says that she wouldn’t mind blowing Chris on this first date.

[58:30]

• Chris explicitly assumes that he will prematurely ejaculate.
• Chris notes that he’ll still have a lot more “tiger in [his] tank”.
• Chris will unhook Julie’s bra and “marvel at [her] nipples”.
• Chris notes that Julie will already be “marveling at [his] dick”.
• Chris will then massage Julie’s breasts and go down on her.

[1:00:00]

• Julie hopes that Chris is masturbating with her, but he isn’t.
• Chris changes his mind and grabs his dick right afterward.

[1:01:00]

• Chris will start things off by going at it doggy style.
• Chris says that “it can go up to seven inches” – an obvious lie.
• Chris spouts, “In and out. In and out. Doggy style. Yay!”

[1:02:00]

• Chris will use his fingers to keep his dick inside her.
• Chris says that he wouldn’t do anal during their first time.
• Chris predicts that cowgirl will come after doggy style.
• Chris belatedly notes that he will be wearing a condom.
• Chris speculates as to where on Julie’s body he’ll cum.
• Julie says that she’ll probably want to take it in the mouth.

[1:04:00]

• Chris says that they might clean up… or they might not.
• Julie says out of nowhere that she thinks she’s coming.

[1:05:00]

• Julie says that she’ll try to send Chris a picture of herself.
• Chris gives Julie his number, apparently for the first time.
• Julie can’t give Chris her number because she doesn’t have one.

[1:07:30]

• Chris wants to “be emotional in person” at some point.
• Julie has to leave for a little bit for no stated reason.

[1:10:00]

• Chris says that his parents would be cool with them fucking.
• Chris will be happy to introduce Julie to his parents first.

[1:12:00]

• Chris imagines his future: married and with a daughter.
• Julie will gladly be his wife and the mother of Crystal.
• Chris wants to be the “househusband” of the relationship.

[1:13:00]

• Chris has no idea what he’d do if he did have to work.
• Chris isn’t sure what job he could get with his CADD degree.

[1:14:00]

• Julie has set up a PayPal account for herself.
• Chris uses his account to sell items on eBay.
• Julie suggests that Chris make money with Sonichu.
• Chris isn’t sure he wants to go around advertising him.

[1:17:30]

• Julie suggests that Chris re-start talks with Nintendo.
• Chris says that he isn’t in touch with Cole Smithey.
• Chris has no idea how he’d come up with money to travel.
• Julie insists that Chris prove himself to Reggie Fils-Aimé.

[1:20:30]

• Chris won’t shut up about Julie helping him do all of the above.

[1:21:30]

• Chris has no idea when the next issue of Sonichu will be done.
• Chris says he has to leave for a while to collect his thoughts.

[1:22:30]

• Clyde shows up and announces that he’s heard everything.
• Clyde was the salesman and he’s gonna bring his guns next time.
• Clyde taunts Chris, who says that he’ll haunt Clyde in his sleep.
• Clyde doesn’t sleep, so Chris will haunt his every waking moment.

[1:24:30]

• Chris has God by his side, but Clyde says there is no God.
• Chris says he’ll pray for Julie’s safety, and Clyde laughs at him.

[1:26:00]

• Chris has been out of the house today… to get his mom some coffee.

[1:27:00]

• Clyde is tough because he’s lived on the streets in sub-zero weather.
• Chris responds that he’s tough because he stands up for his friends.

[1:28:30]

• Clyde is at a loss for words to describe how pathetic Chris is.
• Chris responds that Clyde is pathetic because he feels that way.
• Clyde says that that statement proves that Chris is autistic.

[1:29:30]

• Clyde states that he himself has no physical or mental handicaps.
• Clyde adds that he’s not on drugs either… at the moment.

[1:30:00]

• Clyde says that he’s going to play Russian Roulette with Julie.
• Chris bets that every time Clyde has played before, he’s lost.

[1:31:30]

• Julie says that Max will protect her, but Clyde doubts that.
• Clyde will get rid of Max like he did Richard Simmons and Sarah.
• Clyde knows that Julie will be dead tomorrow.
• Chris knows that Clyde is dead inside, and Clyde admits it.

[1:34:00]

• Chris honestly believes that Clyde is afraid to face him.
• Clyde admits that his rage will die when Chris does.

[1:35:30]

• Chris tries and fails to psychoanalyze Clyde.

[1:37:00]

• Clyde dares Chris to call the police on him.

[1:38:00]

• Clyde has money to travel thanks to an inheritance.
• Chris suspects that Clyde killed his parents to get that money.
• Clyde insists that they died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

[1:40:00]

• Clyde says that Chris should leave his house and lose weight.
• Chris would leave for Julie’s, but he doesn’t know her address.

[1:42:00]

• Chris grows a pair and yells at Clyde to shut the fuck up.
• Chris calls Clyde “small” several times.

[1:45:00]

• Chris apologizes for leading Ryan to commit suicide.

[1:46:00]

• Clyde tells Chris that he’s a burden upon his parents.
• Chris says in reply only that he feels his parents’ pain.
• Clyde reminds Chris that he is the cause of that pain.
• Chris has changed from a “mental case” into a “social butterfly”.
• Clyde thinks Chris’s parents meant for his babysitter to give him autism.
• Chris denies that and expresses gratitude towards his parents.

[1:48:30]

• Clyde tells Chris that his conception was a drunken mistake.
• Chris thinks he’s a miracle child because his parents were old even then.
• Chris compares the situation to an episode of Sex and the City.

[1:50:00]

• Chris doesn’t see any reason for men not to watch TV shows for women.
• Chris thinks fewer wars would happen if more men watched those shows.

[1:52:00]

• Julie can’t name three specific good qualities that Chris has.

[1:52:30]

• Chris understands that autism is caused by genetics.
• Still, Chris insists that his babysitter brought it out in him.
• Clyde insists that Chris is just using autism as an excuse.

[1:54:00]

• Chris said his first word when he was just two weeks old.
• Baby Chris said “monkey”, but he was trying to say “mommy”.

[1:55:00]

• Chris thinks that he has “recovered” from his autism in a way.
• Chris doesn’t need to blame his autism because he's overcome it.
• Clyde says that it’s a fact that autism doesn’t exist.

[1:57:00]

• Clyde keeps telling Chris to get a “real” autism diagnosis.
• Chris weakly promises to get himself re-tested some time soon.

[1:59:30]

• Clyde has Chris read the Wikipedia article on “high-functioning autism”.
• Chris reluctantly accepts that the diagnosis is not a recognized one.

[2:01:00]

• Chris agrees with Clyde that his “mental block” never actually existed.

[2:02:30]

• Clyde remarks that Chris could never possibly live on his own.
• Chris replies that he can cook because he took two home ec classes.
• Chris can also clean, since he has to pick up cat poop all the time.
• Chris is also able to clean because he recently overflowed his "commode" while taking a dump and had to clean the floor with "some 409 and paper towels."
• Chris even knows how to wash his clothes and wash the dishes.
• Chris lastly explains in detail how he’s learned to take out the trash.

[2:05:00]

• Clyde congratulates Chris on knowing how to do all of those basic chores.
• Clyde explains that he’s trying to rescue women everywhere from Chris.

[2:07:00]

• Chris is content with the $800/month that he receives through Social Security.
• Clyde is irate that Chris has no interest whatsoever in getting a job.
• Chris honestly believes that he is paid as much as most employed people.
• Clyde’s job is driving people around, and driving is his favorite thing.

[2:09:00]

• Chris describes himself as “a jack-of-all-trades and master of none”.
• Chris just doesn’t know what type of job he’d be comfortable in.
• Chris is also concerned that he’d need to be paid at least $1,000/month.

[2:10:30]

• Clyde asks Chris what he’s done with his two CADD degrees.
• Chris replies that he designed the Cwcville Shopping Center.
• Chris adds that he’s also added more perspective to his artwork.

[2:12:00]

• Clyde reminds Chris that he’s supported by people who actually work.
• Chris says he just needs a woman to help him make sound decisions.
• Clyde warns, “Spoiler alert: you’re never going to get a woman.”

[2:13:00]

• Clyde mentions that Vivian’s white knight efforts have been in vain.
• Chris says that he’s seeing his pastoral counselor once a week.
• Chris isn’t at all concerned that she isn’t a trained psychologist.

[2:14:00]

• Chris used to visit a “$25/hour psychologist” named Dr. Price.
• Chris was forced to see Dr. Price by PVCC and Mary Lee Walsh.
• Dr. Price put Chris’s sweetheart search into perspective for him.

[2:16:00]

• Clyde insists that everything on Chris’s ED page is true.
• Chris still thinks that his words were simply misinterpreted.
• Chris believes that he lost Megan because he “got too close”.
• Chris says he drew ShecameforCWC “in protest of” his ED page.
• Chris blames himself, but at least he drew in a censor bar.
• Chris ripped that drawing up, but he still has the pieces.

[2:19:00]

• Chris’s mean old principal was the original cause of his hate for gay men.
• Chris accepts Clyde’s analogy about Mary Lee Walsh and other women.

[2:21:00]

• Chris explains that his past statements of hating gays were “misplaced rage”.
• Chris says that God has blessed him with more female friends than male ones.
• Chris seems to have forgotten that he conceded that he’s not autistic.

[2:23:30]

• Clyde says that he’ll give Julie a reprieve if Chris declares that he’s gay.
• Clyde threatens to harm or kill Julie if Chris doesn’t make such a video.
• Chris says he won’t lie about his sexuality even to save Julie’s life.
• Chris relents and offers to sacrifice his image to save Julie from harm.

[2:26:00]

• Chris has three hours to record and post a video of himself coming out.
• Clyde says he fears that he’ll soon be banned from the channel, and he leaves.
• Julie is eternally grateful to Chris for the sacrifice that he’s about to make.

[2:27:00]

• “The admin of the server” shows up and asks if Clyde is still around.

[2:28:00]

• Chris wants to videotape his first time with Julie, and she wants the same.
• Chris says he’ll “cut the worst parts out” and upload the rest to YouTube.
• Chris and Julie tell each other “I love you”, and Chris exits the channel.

[2:29:00]

• BlueSpike starts singing “This was a triumph!” from Portal’s “Still Alive”.
• The other trolls go wild with laughter, and a couple join in with the singing.

Transcript

Chris: There we are. [Random background noise] Hmm now... What now? Oh.

Julie: Hi Chris!

Chris: Hello.

Julie: Ho- [audio cuts out]

Chris: Uh, say that again? You kinda broke up there.

Julie: Hold on, let me adjust my mic- [cuts out again]

Chris: Oh! It's you!

Julie: [muted] Yes of course!

Chris: Huh

Julie: [Pause] So how are you Chri- [Another audio fail]

Chris: I'm okay Julie, how are you?

Julie: I'm wonderful, thank you. Everything at home o-

Chris: Everything's Okay- Everythings Okay at home. Uh, I mean It's only I think that was you asked-yeah. I know you just bought that mike but it seems to be failing at points. Oh well.

Julie: Uh, let me configure it really- [cut] Maybe I can increase the vol- [[cut].

Chris: If anything you might have to close it and relog back then to up after you get it configure correctly. I mean order-or-or to get to configure it correctly.

Julie: Well actually I did that, I logged back in after I configured it- [cut]

Chris: Oh. Well you should carry speaker a little longer there (?)

Julie: So- [cut]

Chris: [Aggravated] Sigh. Broke up again. [Pause] I mean you can tell when you're breaking up because you look at the you-your lips up next to your name on the thing here and you kinda get grayed out, and that means you're- that's kinda like when you get cut off. [Pause] Or when you're done speaking.

Julie: hey I, oh I think I know what you- Is it better now-

Chris: You got cut off again.

Julie: That's weir-

Chris: Hmm. I don't know either. You just got it- you just installed it so uh, hmm. This is like first install jitters, or something. I dunno.

Julie: Is it better now?

Chris: I heard your, eh, eh, Yeah. I mean, I was able to hear you clearly until the points where you got cut of so uh, uh, yeah. I mean, yeah, you know, try saying something longer and I'll let you know if you get cut off mid-sentence.

Julie: I hope this microphone does not cut out as that would be horrible.

Chris: Alright, I got- I had your full sentence there. I heard ya. I heard ya.

Julie: Alright, that is good-

Chris: Huh. You got cut off again.

Julie:That's weird, I don't know what could be causing it. I turned off everything else that was using the connection.

Chris: Hmm. Well we just, well- it's best to try to make the best- make the best of it. So you know, uh, I'll try to understand you up- I mean- until the points, I mean the points- I mean, as best as I can even if you get- even if you might get cut off sometime. But anyway it's-

Julie: I'm sorr- I'm sorry about that

Chris: That's okay. Hmm. So uh, how are you?

Julie: I'm wonderful! Things in America are wonderf-

Chris: Yep, I hear that. I'm just sorry about uh, the rising cost of things due to the economic crisis and all.

Julie: Yes, it's very hard on me.

Chris: Yeah. Alright so, uh tell me- so you said you were uh working at fast food or something to uh, earn money?

Julie: Yes, I'm working at restaurants. I'm a professional cook. Sorry. My English is still bad.

Chris: You said you were a professional cook?

Julie: I am professional at cooking.

Chris: Oh, that's good. Maybe after you come over here I could try a little bit of your crusine for lunch or dinner.

Julie: Yes, I would enjoy that.

Chris: I mean, mostly I just uh warm up a TV dinner, but you know I am able to uh, cooking things- uh, cooking things for my- cooking things for myself when I have the instructions in front of me and the ingredients. But it's kind of, like hmm, you know, a bit crowded in my kitchen in here.

Julie: What's your favorite thing to eat?

Chris: Hmm. I like, mostly like mac and cheese.

Julie: I'm very good at cooking.

Chris: I'll take your word for it. And I'll look forward to uh, trying your-

Julie: [Interrupting] I'll be right back, sorry.

Chris: Okay.

[brief pause]

Julie: I'm back.

Chris: Okay. Let's- anyway you didn't answer my question how'd uh, did your passwo- how'd you get your password back after the previous time your brother changed it on ya?

Julie: Actually um, he actually just put it back to the original last. I'm not sure if he's gonna give it back this time, however.

Chris:Um. Hmm. Has he told you uh, me- he's probably just doing it just to annoy you but uh, maybe he- maybe uh, mabe he like, I don't know his mindset but maybe he wants something?

Julie: Perhaps.

Chris:I mean like did you ask him like, did you ever ask him like why did you change my password other than just to annoy me? What is it that you want?

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