User:Jump/Bullshit

Afternoon

These are just a couple things I picked out that I felt could've been approached a different way, because my massive ego won't let the alleged mistakes of others ever go unnoticed, ever.

Antagonists and anger

Right off the bat, we establish Kitty as the rebel to the oppressive CWCville. The relationship between her and the state is expounded upon quickly, albeit with some cognitive skippage. Namely, the have the transformation from amnesiac to violent hero/psychopath, without much linking the two phases. The excutions provided a good example of the nature of the administration, but without any deep character relevance. The protagonist has one event that sets her on a murderous, sadististic rampage; readers automatically assume that some sort of altercation must've taken place beforehand to earn her ire and make her the killer we see in later chapters.

'Just because' traps

This happens all the time; there are times the writers wants something to happen, and wills it so. Now, I'm not being completely fair here, to be honest. Looking at Chapter 2

“

Kitty didn’t know, at the time, why she did what she did next, but she took a big bite out of Rosechu’s arm, and began chewing.

”

'At the time' gives us a good indication that the cannabilism will be explained later, but at that point in the story, without proper character context, it feels slightly forced (if admittedly awesome), though her brutality does seem to foreshadow it. Some good ol' descriptors could've smoothed it over, a quick bit on how 'Something primal, animalistic took over her as she inspected the cooling corpse. Powerless to resist, Kitty knelt, oblivious to her situation, and tore a strip from the lifeless limb with her teeth. The sweet taste was intoxicating, invigorating, even.' See? Just slather on some adjectives and a heady mood, and everything becomes more believable. Note: I write like a poor man's Micheal Critchon sometimes, so that may have been a bit overboard.

Consistency in setting

One my favorite phrases occurs near the beginning. "Walking down the ugly, brightly-coloured street, with ugly posters of the mayor everywhere and ugly zapbuds growing along the ugly, bright green grass." It's a great use of repetition, conveying how obnoxiously cheerfull CWCville is. The same ingenuity follows the character descriptions as well, but some of the settings fall flat. The cracked, misshapen house of Sonichu and Rosechu juxtaposed against their perfectly manicured lawn, the dank, unused (or heavily used, you're the author) basement, all ripe opportunities.

Misc. Notes

• Try to avoid referencing songs unless it's a classic that really adds to the mood. (I can't hate the Queen, though)
• If you're going to do the occasional switch to first person (in parentheses like this), make it more common so readers get adjusted.
• Keep it up, got talent bro.