CWCki:Operation Mailbag

PROTIP: Operation Mailbag has been superseded by Operation Knowledge. Go there for details.--Champthom 03:58, 31 December 2009 (CET)

From: Tiffany Clarke <astrogal96@hotmail.com> Hey Chris, I like Sonichu so much that I've wallpapered my bedroom with printouts of your Sonichu comics. My parents don't like it that much but they're not the boss of me!!! BTW, when is Metal Sonichu coming back from the moon? I miss him!!! Oh and I was wondering if you could settle an argument. My brother says there's no way there's life on other planets in this solar system, but I think it's totally possible, you know? Since you were on honor roll and stuff you'd probably know about things like this better than I would (I'm in 8th grade BTW) and you're my favorite comic book guy so I was wondering if you'd know. Is there life on other planets in this solar system? If so, what do you think it's like? If there is life on other planets, should we send people to check it out, or should they be regarded as hostile? I'm dying to know what you think about this. Have a good 2010 Tiffany Clarke

I've been thinking about either hitting him on his "I have magic powers" stance or his blatant Mary Sue solutions to everything in his comic. Which should I go for? Both would be quite juicy, just in different ways. EnsignDisposable 07:34, 21 December 2009 (CET) Better idea. Gotta hit him on "I'm enough of a hero."

From: Stan Lee (excelsiorstanlee@gmail.com) Hey Christian, I've noticed several times in your mailbag responses that you have stated that Sonichu is a parody. How is that? Wikipedia defines a parody as "A parody (pronounced /ˈpærədiː/; also called send-up or spoof), in contemporary usage, is a work created to mock, comment on, or poke fun at an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of humorous, satiric or ironic imitation." The best examples of true parody are films such as Mel Brooks' "Spaceballs" and "Young Frankenstein", and even the Family Guy Star Wars special. The Encyclopedia Dramatica page can also be considered a parody of you. Sonichu doesn't mock or ridicule Pokémon, Sonic the Hedgehog, Transformers, Family Guy, or Guitar Hero in any way. If Sonichu was, say, about an 'electric hedgehog Pokémon' that didn't have any legs, that would be a parody. The closest thing to parody in Sonichu are the sub-episodes which exaggerate your attempts to find a lover to a ridiculous level where you can defeat jerkops and turn into a hedgehog. I must also say that I am offended by the tone that you use in your Mailbag responses. Almost all of the people who have taken the time to e-mail you are big fans of your work. Why don't you treat them with a little shred of respect instead of calling them dumbasses and disregarding all of the perfectly valid advice that people are trying to give you? -Stan

From: Vlad Tepes (emperorface@gmail.net) Hello Christian Chandler. I am the next in line to rule my father's country of New Sacea, which shares borders with South America, he passed away last week and I am to be crowned Emperor soon. Unfortantely he was a victim of war us our government has a law stating the Emperor has to take place in any fights as a soldier. In our country Sonichu is heavily praised as one of the greatest works of fiction ever and a printed version is avalible in almost every New Sacean library. You are highly intelligent and by our scales even wiser than our greatest scholar, William The Sage. Perhaps, the same could be said of all Geinuses. We have made great technologic advances, much wealth, and many beatiful servant women, thus we are prepared to offer you a grand reward if you can help our people solve the following dilemma: We are a God-fearing nation that hates those damned homos with all our hearts. These abominations unto God are so evil, they steal men's souls and make them their slaves! Unfortauntely, our empire does not have access to the means of curing the "Homo Gene", so all we can do is prevent their wrong lifestyle from spreading. Thus we execute them on sight. However, our scholars are perplexed by the "Bi Gene" which gives one an interest in both genders, or in simplier terms they like both men AND women. You see... I was very unfortunate to become contaminated with the foul curse of bisexualness myself! It was not by my hand that I was given that evil gene of bisexualness: it was brought by some homos, who wished to pay me tribute... Oh how I rue that cruel day!.. If bisexuals do indeed count as homos I must take my own life and let my straight sister rule in my place. For the good of my Holy Motherland! But enough talk, Christian. Seeing as you are the smartest man in our kingdom's recorded history, maybe you can help me? Please tell me, Christian: should bisexuals be considered homos? Or are they just fine? What is a bisexual? A miserable little pile of evil homo genes? Or do they belong in this world? Am I a homo? Or a normal person? Please, Christian, save our people by giving us your great knowledge of sexuality and genetics. With much hope, Emperor Vlad Tepes The 3rd

I made two emails, one to question his opinions on bisexuals and one to find out just how bad of a strategist. In addition this will test to see if he even beat the game as he purchased 65 dollars of DLC for it, which would have been completely wasted had he not beaten it as you can only access the non-canon/dlc character during the end game. Also, to further test his stupidity, Almaz Von Adamite is a main character in Disgaea and Roy Mustang is a character from Fullmetal Alchemist who has never appeared in a Disgaea title. Seeing as Disgaea is a Strategy Game, I have my doubts as to whether or not Chris has even played the damn thing, let alone beat it. It amuses me greatly knowing he has less common sense than a turkey shoving things up his ass to make him look "too fat" for the hunters to kill.

From: "The Engineer" (beecave656@buildersleagueunited.com) Howdy, Mr. Christian Weston Chandler! Folks at work like to call me The Engineer, and I suppose that's what I got my PhD for. Now, normally I don't truck much with video games and comic books 'n all that, but some of my co-workers are into that sort of thing and they called to my attention a lil' ol' mystery that goes by C.W.C. Accordin' to your website you say you've got a degree in Computer Aided Drafting and Design, and that somehow you managed to take six years in gettin' it. Now, not to be hostile just yet but taking six years to get a CADD degree is a little like not learnin' how to tie your shoes until you're in high school, architecturally speakin'. Most people in your position would be whippin' out PhDs and doctorates in the time it took you to get situated in CADD and spending that much time in gettin' it seems just plain egregious. Now, I assume you got your reasons for taking that long, an' I trust that they're good reasons. Call it Southern hospitality. Nonetheless there's somethin' weird about this whole thing so let me just get a few questions offa my mind. Namely these questions are about that city you like to trump about, the one from your comic book, the one you call C-W-C-ville. You seem to think this city built outta Legos is real, you keep sayin' it's real when it's brought up, and yet you say, and I'm going to quote from you directly so there's no confusion as to why I'm confused, "the city and the mall Can Be Built and Dedicated." First of all, last I checked things that don't exist yet are fictional. I got a PhD in quantum physics too (those teleporters ain't buildin' themselves) so I know for damn sure that if your city ain't built yet it sure as hell ain't real. You seem'ta built a little C-W-C-ville out of Lego, but a city of Lego ain't a city of tens of thousands of people. So, I suppose the first question is, "why do you think just wishin' it were real makes it real?" Second of all I gotta wonder why you think an entire city built and named after a cartoonist is even vaguely possible. You're not talkin' something like Disneyland where a multi-billion-dollar megacorporation builds up a massive amusement park, you're talkin' about defictionalizing a city from a comic book, that is to say making it a real-live hundreds-of-thousands-of-people-big city. Named after you. A cartoonist. In my experience most cities get named after people who do things like win wars or kill a bunch of Indians. That means Question No. 2 is "why in the Good Lord's name would they build a city for a guy whose main contribution is drawin' a bunch of magic hedgehogs going on whimsical little magical hedgehog adventures?" Unless there's a bunch of won wars or dead Indians you ain't been mentionin'. Last of all, I just gotta ask--why ain't you usin' none of that CADD work in your comic? I mean, the stuff you show is all done up in Crayola marker and ball-point pen, it's hideous. It makes my engineer's soul hurt. You spend six years gettin' that CADD degree and yet for some reason the Good Lord seems fit to withhold from us, you do your design not-on-computer. Seems to bypass the "computer-aided" part of that degree. I hate to see a fine education bein' wasted. Anyhow, Chris, hate to bend you so harsh like that, but like I said, I'm a Texas man. We don't believe in holdin' back. Hope I got you some food for thought, and hope I can get a little clarifyin' on the subject. No hard feelin's, "The Engineer" --- Builders' League United Your first choice in discreet construction!

From: Stan 'Sonichu's Biggest Gay Fan' Mathers (myteasgonecold@didomail.com) Dear Chris, You still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance! I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans!!! If you didn't wanna reply to me outside your Mailbag, you didn't have to, but you coulda at least post a decent reply! You upset Matthew - that's my little brother man, he's only six years old! We waited in front of the computer screen for your reply, for hours, and you just wrote, "(INSERT WHAT CHRIS ANSWERS HERE)" That's pretty shitty, man - you're like his fucking idol, he wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to! Remember when we met in the Poke'mon League - you said if I'd write you you would write back? See, I'm just like you in a way: I never liked those straight JERKS neither, they just always cheat on girls and beat them! I can relate to what you're saying in your comics, so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and browse them all, cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed... I even got a tattoo with your name across the chest! Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds - it's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me See everything you draw about is real, and I respect you 'cos you tell it. My boyfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7, but he don't know you like I know you Chris, no one does! He don't know what it was like for "Homos" like us growin up! You gotta call me man, I'll be the Biggest Gay Fan you'll ever lose! Sincerely yours, Stan. P.S.: We should be together too <3

From: Stan 'Sonichu's Biggest Gay Fan' Mathers (myteasgonecold@didomail.com) Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Answer-My-Fans, This'll be the last message I ever send your ass! It's been (INSERT TIME INTERVAL HERE) and still no decent reply - I don't deserve it??? I know you got my last two letters, I typed the addresses on 'em perfect So this is my last letter I'm sending you, I hope you read it - I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway Hey Chris, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive? You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night", about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him??? That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning!!! Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy and all I wanted was a lousy reply or a call!!!!! I hope you know I ripped ALL of your drawings off the wall!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU CHRISSSSSSS we coulda been TOGEHTER THINK about it YOU RUINED IT now I hope you CAN'T SLEEP and you DREAM about it and when you DREAM I hope you CAN'T SLEEP and you SCREAM about it I hope your CONSCIENCE EATS AT YOU AND YOU CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT ME SEE CHRIS SHUT UP BITCH!!!!!!! I'M TRYING TO FUCKING TYPE!!! Hey Chris that's my homo boyfriend screamin in the trunk but I didn't slit his throat I just tied him up see I ain't like you cause if he suffocates he'll suffer more and then he'll die too ... Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now :) Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit ou

^-- I chose to make "Stan" gay (er... gayer) because that raises the chance Chris won't answer the first letter, or will put it in a Rejected Mailbag, or will write a 3 words reply, or smth. along these lines. That would give me a chance to reenact the whole song. If you think I should better make him an Aspie to get that effect, say so, I'll change the letters. I suggest maybe the mods should post the letters in subsequent Mailbags, so that Chris won't forget "Stan". --GokuGetEm 13:12, 27 December 2009 (CET)

From: Tor Go (iTaKeCaReOfThEpLaCe@manos.com) Hello, Chris. Can you help me with a problem? You see, at my workplace, there are a lot of beautiful women that I'd love to make my sweetheart, but my boss is such a cockblock (not to mention an egomaniac - he wants us to call him "the Master"!), and he won't let me go near them when he's around. Of course, he's done it with every single one of them, so he's a big hypocrite. Recently, we just hired a new woman I'm especially fond of, and I want to make it clear to the boss that I won't put up with his crap anymore by asking her out. However, I'm going to need your advice first. 1. We kind of got off on the wrong foot - I might have done a few things that creeped her and the rest of her family out (Oh, and the boss's dog attacked her poodle on my watch, but that wasn't my fault, I swear!). How can I make a better impression? 2. How soon in a relationship is it okay to touch her hair, shoulder, etc.? Do you think women like that? 3. What is the most romantic thing you can do with a woman? What's the most romantic think you have actually done with a woman? 4. My boss has been eyeing this woman's daughter lately, and, from what I've been hearing, he's going to hire her soon so he can get close to her over time, then start a relationship with her as soon as she's legal. I think that's creepy. What do you think? 5. Off-topic, but I was once in a movie that didn't do very well in theaters or with critics. Tell me, what do you think about critics? Do you think they're too mean, or just doing their jobs? Well, I have to go take care of the place while "the Master" is away. Thank you!

...yeah, I'm a dork. I should really lay off the MST3K for a while. Still, the first email may just confirm my suspicion that Chris has no taste, and likes every movie, show, or game he sees. --TheyCalledMeMad 21:21, 27 December 2009 (CET)

From: Mac Tonight (Moonman3k@gmail.com) Hey Chris, my organization, the KKK loves your comic. We would like you to join. Basically we're a group that believes that Homos should try to become straight and that black boys should find black sweethearts and white boys should find white sweethearts. You may have heard a lot of bad things about us, but we only want to do what god wants us to do and love who we're supposed to. Our official chant is "KKK, KKK, KKK, KKK, KKK, KKK, KKK" we would be honored if you featured that chant and our official spokesman "Moon Man" in an issue of Sonichu. If you do this you will be fully inducted as a member of the KKK, which stands for "Kute Kitty Kat". I have included an image of Moon Man, the KKK official spokesman, please include him in your comic. http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/272/moonmandrawingcut.th.png If you get fully inducted you will recieve the title of Electric Dragon From Head Klansman, Mac Tonight

From: Mary Lee Walsh (maryleewalsh@pvcc.edu) Dearest Christian I read your comics, perhaps I was wrong. You clearly are a creative genius, I feel really sorry for trying to stand in the way of your finding a girlfriend. I am so sorry. You added me as a villain which I thought was pretty cool, but then you renamed me "Slaweel Ryam" Chris, what I did to you was wrong, and although you may have forgiven me. I would like you to change Slaweel Ryam back to Mary Lee Walsh. Many of the faculty read your comic and I used to brag about how I was included in it. Anyway Chris, I give you full permission to use my name for the villain. Just call it a little something for me, okay? With Love, Mary Lee Walsh

A test of his gullibility and knowledge, plus Slaweel Ryam is inredibly stupid.

From: Lady Dr. Ashmere Caladbolg (hillsplittingblade@resurrectionlabs.kvx) To Mr. Chandler: Is Lady Dr. Ashmere Caladbolg. You have not heard of me. Am not one to be heard of. But am sexologist from distant land not-to-be-named. Our is secret study. Name assumed for secrecy (this name is not mine from birth; name theme chosen for achievement in life). Allowed research outside for sanity purpose given secret kept. Apologies poor English. Translation software poor on computer. I must ask question. Question useful to study. Would be happy with answer. (One) Is note you use porn "Educational Purpose." Is funny you do so Mr. Chandler. Pornography not educational. Pornography like action movie. Bruce Willis shot at ten thousand time, is not hit once, is jump through glass uncut, is "kill helicopter with car." Not to be learned from. Impossible in real life. Pornography same. Strange acts, strange position not intimate but interesting to see on film. Impossible conditions, strange fetish to be shown common. Not like real sex. Real sex not have crew, director, hours between shot to keep strong. Why consider porn education, Mr. Chandler? Is strange. (Two) You say you are not gay. I believe you say truth, believe you like women. But what you say is not listened to because you say it always, always. Seem like you are hiding untruth. Others hear, think you are gay, trying to hide for fear Society. Seem very easy to anger, Mr. Chandler. Would have been better to say nothing. Have said everything. Are disbelieved. Is ((superiority comedy)) to them. Why be angry Mr. Chandler? Respond to everything with anger. Anger never work. Why every time claimed gay, you correct loud as possible? Solves nothing, makes only worse. (Three) Hear that your penis is bent, like elbow, like beast of Loch Ness. Painful condition Mr. Chandler. Is to be corrected. Is not normal. Make sex-with-woman difficult. Am hear you receive ((mercy payment)) from government; why not save for operation? Would make Mr. Chandler Penis mighty and vigorous. This you want, yes? Why is not done? Would help. Would help Lady Dr. Caladbolg, who splits the hill with her blade. Would help much Lord Dr. Caliburn, who rests in stone until pulled free. Would help much Lord Dr. Durandal, who even mountain cannot break. Would help Lady Dr. Curtana, whose blade yields to mercy only. --RESURRECTION LABS "Durch das Leiden, zu den Sternen"

Felt like writing in a funny voice, really.

From: Yuji Naka (Yujinaka@sonicsega.com) I am the president of the Sega Corporation, Yuji Naka, and I wish to inform you that Sonichu infringes several copyrights. I understand that Sonichu is under the protection of Parody law and is a humorous parody of Sonic The Hedgehog, for which I applaude you. But your use of Dr. Ivo Eggman Robotnik, Sonic The Hedgehog, Amy Rose, as well as Giavonni (from Pokemon), Optimus Prime (from Transformers) cannot be tolerated. If you wish to sell your product you must refrain from using these characters as well as rewrite the plot to exclude uses of them. You do not own them and no self-respecting company will be found using other people's characters. When Robot Chicken makes a parody, they purchase licenses to use those robots and when Family Guy or Simpsons includes an external character they change the design in order to make it forgein to the original property. Thus they are no longer in fault. Notice the South Park episode "Chimpokomon" which uses non-pokemon characters to poke fun at Pokemon, the name is similar so you can still tell what it is parodying, but had Pikachu been in it they would have been sued instantly. To restate my previous statements, Sonichu, Rosechu, Blake, and Slaweel Ryam, all fine with me. Robotnik, Giavonni, Sonic, Optimus Prime, and Amy Rose... I am afriad you'll have to get the proper concent of Sega, Nintendo, and Bandai to continue displaying images of these characters. Failure to do so will result in a lawsuit. I can already tell you that no one at Sega authorized Sonic, Amy, and Eggman's inclusion. I don't know if Bandai or Nintendo did, but if you wish to gain licenses to Sonic The Hedgehog to continue showing the images with the characters, you will have to ask Sega Of America. Good day, you have three months to get the licenses or remove all images containing Perfect Chaos, Amy Rose, Sonic The Hedgehog, and Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik. before you recieve a cease and desist. Sega Of Japan President, Yuji Naka. PS: I am pleased with your work, and believe that if you ask our licensing department you should have no problems getting the rights to Sonic, Amy, Robotnik/Eggman, and Perfect Chaos.

From: Andrew Ryan (andrewryan@rapture.net) Hey Chris. I've been a fan since sonichu was first released and I'm glad to be writing you. I am impressed with the way you have led CWCville. However, I have a question. Who are your favorite porn actresses?

Ironically, Andrew Ryan would have an aneurysm if he ever heard about CWCville's "Soup Hotels." But mainly I just want him to be more specific about his taste in women.

From: Joseph Goebbels (JGoeb@3rdR.gov) Dear Christian: I am a government worker, and I have given some thought to your stances on homosexuality in CWCville. It occurs to me that the stamping out of the gay community could be accomplished in four simple steps. First control the media in the city. It would be rather simple to install a V-chip in all major signal recievers in CWCville so that no Objectionable Content could reach the citizens. This will also serve to keep them docile. Second, expand Magi-chan's police force. Create a special task force comprised of sonichus that can work quickly and efficiently, as opposed to the slower police force, which is bogged down with protocol. You could call this the "Sonichu Squad", or 'SS' for short. They report directly to Magi-chan, and when a homosexual is located, the SS can round them up and place them in a Correction Camp, where their will can be systematically broken and reshaped into something you personally deem more 'kosher'. You can also put them to work while in these camps so that the camps pay for themselves. And for the truly unrepentant homos, they can be given permanent jobs cleaning the smoke stacks around the city. Third, a campaign of misinformation against the imaginary 'homo gene' can work wonders. If people can be convinced of the ridiculous notion that a simple sneeze or sharing a coke can turn someone gay, people in the city will be too frightened to even talk to one another, allowing you to consolidate your power for the final step. Finally, when the community is about to self-destruct, begin to distribute a 'vaccine' for the gay gene. While this is obviously just snake oil, since no chemical cure for a desire can possibly exist, but in their panic, people will accept what you tell them and heil you as a hero. Never again will you have to worry about impostors or elections. The populace will follow you to any lengths. I hope this plan helps you with your current predicament. Joseph Goebbels.