Difference between revisions of "Church audio"

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On 15 [[March 2009]], [[Robert Simmons V]] and an undercover [[Man in the Pickle Suit]] visit Chris's [[Chris and Religion|church]] and approach the [[Chris|manchild]] in the flesh unsuspectingly.
#REDIRECT [[Church Visit]]
 
The audio recording of this event lasts 1:47:48. Throughout, Chris's voice is much louder than everyone else's.
 
Chris says he's keeping his distance from instant messages. He'd rather not talk about who hacked his Yahoo! account. [[Bob]] is there, but Chris reveals that [[Barbara]] usually stays home.
 
Chris excuses himself to leave Bob to talk to Robert for a few minutes. Bob talks about jerks on the internet, Chris's condition, and early video games. When Chris comes back, he realizes that it's [[fail|funny both Bob and Robert have the same name]].
 
Chris talks about Robert's trouble with finding a girlfriend. Chris has made the final decision to talk to local girls instead of ones on the internet. He's gotten encouragement from [[Rocky]] with ''[[How to Talk to Girls]]''. He talked to 7 girls just last Thursday at [[Alderman Library]], but got a fake number. Chris was emotionally prepared for the fake number from ''Seinfeld''. Bob mentions the [[Sonichu Girls]] club.
 
Chris rambles on about ''[[Family Guy]]'' and Stewie quoting the bible against [[homo]]sexuality. His copy of the bible with Leviticus is different from the church's because it was a graduation gift from Reverend Shin of the Korean church in Chesterfield County. Bob talks about North Korea.
 
After asking Robert for a pen, Chris makes his signature and hands it to Robert, saying it could be valuable one day.
 
They start reciting verses and singing hymns for many minutes. Chris gets to pick a verse for everyone to sing. Bob gets the second pick. Then other people pick. Chris wails over everyone else in some of them.
 
Afterward, Robert reunites with the other troll. They drive away contemplating on Leviticus and raping Emiry.
 
==Transcript==
{{transcription}}
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''': It's rolling now, so... (noise and pops) Is it recording still?  Yes it is.  Oh yeah.  Not good.  (a few seconds pass) Citizens of the Internet! This is Robert Simmons V, better known as Sonichufan1985, -1986 and now, -1987. I wish you all a good morning! The reason I am talking today on this voice recorder is to talk about about how I'm gonna meet Mr. Christian Chandler, my personal hero. Now, although if you're looking at my old account, Sonichufan1986, you would think that I don't like Mr. Chandler.  That's a lie, a slanderous lie.
</font>
 
(unintelligible)
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Maybe I should just talk normal.  You think he wouldn't even fuckin'...</font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  Okay, you heard Julie, right?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah</font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  So you heard that.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah.  I'll just talk like he's probably still a threat.  </font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  (Does an impersonation of Chris, unintelligible quote)</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  We're doing it now.  Did you hear about that quote?</font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  Yeah yeah yeah, there's this retard or something...?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah we were talking about it on IRC and (becomes unintelligible) he-he's kind of a window to hell... and he also said that people in wheelchairs are are mentally retarded.  </font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  I know.  Stephen Hawking?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Doesn't fucking matter.  He's fucking retarded.  Evil Shenanigans... He thinks Clyde took Julie hostage that one time.</font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  Yeah.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  He's like, "Ok, if you don't do-if you don't say you're gay I will lop off her arm," and he said "Oh, I-I'm a gaybian."  Remember that?</font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  Yeah, yeah.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  (laughs) </font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  (mockingly) I'm gay </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  I'm gay</font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  I'm gay </font>
 
(laughter)
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  I'm a male lesbian</font>
 
(unintelligible)
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  I spoke to one of my friends after I called you and he's like, "That sucks."  He's like, "Really?"  (mocking) "No, not really..."</font>
 
(laughter)
 
(random chatter, mostly unintelligible, much dealing with recent happenings with Chris)
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  Do you know what car he drives?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Uh... probably the Son-chu car?  </font>
 
<font color="#0033FF">'''Troll #1''':  Do you remember what his parents drive?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Shit, nah... I dunno.</font>
 
(More chatter, Robert asks about a Pickle Suit)
 
(the sounds of people inside the church are heard)
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Hi, I'm Robert!</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Robert Simmons the Fifth?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yes sir.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Oh my God.  Ni-Nice to meet ya.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  That's good, that's good.  I want to apologize my uh... my um Sonichufan1986 page was hacked by Clyde Cash, so... so I want to apologize for that in case I sent you weird emails or YouTube stuff.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  (chuckles) Well, I understand.  Nice to meet you, Bob.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Is it okay if I come to church with you?  I'm actually like here for us... you know, for my... vacation.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Sure, you know.  You're welcome.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Oh, Thank you.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Did you uh talk to Elizabeth our pastor?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Oh, no.  Do you know where I can find her?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Uh yeah, she's in her office if you want to go say hello. </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Okay.  (walking)  Hi!  I don't mean to bother, I'm just here to just uh... I'm actually we're here on vacation meeting some people... Is it okay if I come to church though?</font>
 
<font color="#9932CC">'''Elizabeth''':  Of course!</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Okay, awesome, thank you.</font>
 
(more walking, random chatter)
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  My dad... you know (drown out by noise)</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Is your mom... is coming as well?  Or is she feeling sick?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  No... No she usually stays home.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  I see.  So how's everything with you?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  [[Stress sigh|'sigh']] Things have been going good.  Keepin... Keeping my distance from the ah instant messages and whatnot.  Kind of... you know.  It's been peacefull.  Unfortunately the Sonichu site has been... uh... has been down for uh... 'bout a week-r... 'bout a week or two.  Since uh... Yeah since my Yahoo account got... got uh hacked into... and all tha-and all that jazz.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Mhm.  Do you know who hacked it?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  'sigh'  Yep.  But I'd rather-I'd rather not talk about it.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Okay.  That's fine.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  So did you hear about uh... did you hear about my recent, uh... internet romance with uh... [[BlueSpike#Julie|Julie Movanya]]?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Let me turn off my cell phone... Um...</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Yeah, me too... Oh, [[Bob Chandler|Dad]], this is Robert Simmons the Fifth one of my Sonichu fans!</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  How's it going, Mr. Chandler?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  This is my father, Robert.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  Let me just go on by ya here...</font>  Let me just go on by ya here...
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Oh, thank you sir.  </font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':</font>  (unintelligible)
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  How is everything?</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  I'm good.</font> 
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  That's good.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  I'll let you two chat for a bit I've gotta go (unintelligible)</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  Chris is really into that stuff.</font> 
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah, so... Yeah... I'm sure that, like ... I've heard there's, like, a lot of things going on, though.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  Yeah, he's got enemies all over the world.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah...</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':</font>  (unintelligible)
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah... it's just a lot of jerks online.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  I'm 81... and I've seen a lot of things in my life, and I've done a lot.  But uh, whenever you're successful at something, from my experience, there are people that don't like that and they're out to get you for it.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah, people can't, you know, appreciate some success and be happy for them you have to feel jealousy for it though... </font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (laughs) Yeah, they want to knock you down. </font> 
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  Yeah, you know he's a high-functioning autistic, but he's come a looong way.  I can remember, I was ticked off when he was six, and we were working with him and we didn't know what was wrong with him, and yet he didn't have the diagnosis.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  mhm.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  I have a Commodore 64.  If you've ever heard of those...
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah, yeah!  Um, my-my dad had one of those though, he also had... I think it's called Amiga?</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  That's an actual system.  Anyway, I taught him how to do that, and he was loading discs on that Commodore 64 and playing with it before he could talk.</font> 
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  (laughs)</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  And of course after that... they came along with all sorts of video games.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  yeah, yeah</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (unintelligible)  We got one of the first Nintendos... (unintelligible)</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah, I know how that is.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  I remember this one, what did they call it?  Mario World?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah, I've heard of that.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  That one's I spent 150-200 hours... and and after I got through King Koopa... I couldn't get off of Yoshi's Island... and I'm an engineer... or was.  I'm retired now.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Uh huh.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  And I couldn't remember how to get off of Yoshi's Island... I couldn't remember what was coming next, well he got up to King Koopa in two days.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  (suddenly reappears)  haha, did you get a copy of this weeks bulletin?</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  He gets these games and I'm the one who ends up paying for them and he keeps them-</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  haha, there's always renting, though.  So... you could just go to Blockbuster and rent games for a couple days.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  I wish he'd do that, it'd save him some money.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  hmm.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  Save me some money...</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Sorry, game's not so easy to beat nowadays... plus there's (unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah, that is true.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  You go to school here?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  No, um I actually live in
Christiansburg, So I'm meeting some-</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  You live in Christiansburg?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yes sir.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  That's a long drive.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yes sir, it is</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  yeah...</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  That's up there near VPI, right?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yes sir, Virginia Tech</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  I was in (unintelligible) for a lot of years.  </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Oh really?</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  I worked for GE down there for about 15 years, then got transferred to uh (unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  mhm</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (unintelligible) I like the Johnson area, it's beautiful there </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Very pretty.  Yeah, I was driving down here this-uh this morning though and I was surprised though.  I-I've never really been here (unintelligible) I have a couple of friends here, and... it was really foggy though.  Um, I believe that it was 64?</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  yeah.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  (interrupts)  Oh...Hey, uh father did uh Bob here tell ya that uh... you know it's funny you both are named Robert better yet you could both be called Bob!  Yeah, anyway uh... he-uh he's been having trouble finding himself girlfriends too.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  yeah.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Yeah, by the way Bob, by the way Bob, uh for your information, uh... I've actually uh... after I spaced myself from the internets I made the fond decision to go back into uh local areas and start talking to girls, so I go-got some encouragement from Rocky.  I also uh, I looked at this little uh, short  picture-short uh red picture book by uh... that came from a 9-year old.  Called "How to Talk to Girls".</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  hmm. mhm.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  It's by... Alec... Goldwin?  Something like that?  Anywa-Anyway it's like ten dollars.  It's a good book.</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  You should tell him he's gotta (unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  yeah... Isn't there a dating service?  That... isn't there?  I'm sure there's a dating services around here, right? </font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  yeah, yeah. </font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Anyway, I talked to seven girls uh this last Thursday over at uh... Alderman library.  So that was-that was a big start for me.  I mana-I managed to get a phone number out of one of them but unfortunately it was a fa-Unfortunately it was a bad number.  You know...</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Maybe, did you...</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  The number wasn't-It wasn't a number that was in service.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  oh...</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (In the background, unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  mhm</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  F-F-Fortunately I was prepared for that... you know. (pauses for a few seconds)  Anyway I was emotionally prepared for that, you know 'cause I'd seen a similar situation in an episode of Seinfeld... where... it was one where Elaine was giving was giving a fake phone number to most of the guys she met?  And it went to this, uh... racing bet booth?  And she's try-and at the end of the episode she's trying to... she-wrote the number on the back of her-on the back of a card that she ha-that she's like once punch away from getting a free sub!  And she wanted that free sub!</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  (laughs)</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  It's a funny episode... it's a funny episode... you watch Seinfeld?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Um... I used to, though, but, I don't think at least where I'm from they don't really show it anymore though.  </font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  You can find it on the FOX stations or TBS...</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  oh, okay </font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Yeah, actually you know two back-to-back episodes most every night 7, 7:30 on TBS.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  mhm... they also have Family Guy on TBS. </font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Yeah, hey.  Did you see the latest episode of Family Guy?</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Probably not, no... I don't think so, it was- </font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  It was last Sun-it was last Sunday.  They isolated - and injected into Peter - the gay gene.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Oh really?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  It lasted for only two and a half weeks.  Durli-d-d-during th-during like the first quarter of the-ah the episode, Peter bought for two dollars... a mentally challenged horse.  Brain damaged.  It was like-he was li-he always gave him like this blank stare...</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  uh huh... so what'd he do with the horse?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  (chuckles) He put th-He put the horse in the race and then the horse-</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Did it win?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  No.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  (Laughs)</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  No, but the horse ran into the crowd and uh cause a whole bunch of chaos and then the horse died of a heart attack from the excitement.  </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  ohhh</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  And Peter chucked it into Mort's drug store... Mort's pharmacy. </font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  ahh... hmm.</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  And Mort's was like, "Oh, I like the days where they'd just throw... they'd just throw uh poo in a bag and uh... </font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  (In the background, unintelligible) </font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Yeah but anyway, later on in- but anyway... Ahh but anyway later on in the same episode, uh Stewie... brings up a quote... from the Bible, That pretty much uh... spells out for-spells out best in a nutshell, which I did a short-</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Yeah, I saw that though... Leviticus?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Yeah, Leviticus 18:22.  'sigh'  Right there.  "No man will lie with a man as one lies with a woman.  It is detestable."  And then you can read the, uh... read the uh beforehand about uh... what was said to Moses, yadda yadda yadda, and then in the end what happens to those who... commit any of these uh... rules that are unlawful... in sexual relations includi-including animals.  Doing it with animals, that's-that's just... detestable and bogus...</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  What page is that?  101?</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  No no, it's- uh well mine's a different bible from theirs but you're-you're in the right area.  Leviticus 18:22.</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  Alright...</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Yeah, my Bible is uh... different from the church's, uh... from this church's bible.  I got mine from our uh... Reverend Shin of the uh... Korean church in Chesterfield County, dad?</font>
 
<font color="#000000">'''Bob Chandler''':  That's right.  It was Presbyterian... I wonder where they come for church... anyway they're local Presbyterian...</font>
 
<font color="#CD2626"> '''Chris''':  Yeah...</font>
 
<font color="#04B45F"> '''Robert Simmons V''':  mhmm</font>
[[Category:Trolling]]
 
== download ==
 
*[http://www.mediafire.com/?jqmemaxmcw0 Full church audio]
 
 
 
(May God have mercy on your pitiful soul.)

Latest revision as of 13:36, 20 June 2022

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