Emily Date Conversation Transcript

In March 2009, Chris went on his first, and only date ever with a troll called Emily. For posterity's sake, the event was recorded, and is now presented in text format for your enjoyment, here.

The voices heard in the recording are that of am elite crack team of courageous trolls and trollettes.

The cast in order of appearance:

Frosty: Wiz-kid and all around brainiac. His high-tech know-how keeps the group online.
Camera Whore: Friend of Emily, this perverse gal's mission was to capture video evidence of the event.
Emily: Queen of trolls! She risked both life and limb on a dangerous mission into the heart of darkness.
Pickle Man: Brave and daring hero! He protects Emily from certain peril and inflicts permanent stress and emotional damage upon all who would harm her.
Chris: Misshapen manchild, who's disgusting nature even seeps into the very recording of his voice. Will his evil plan to touch Emily inappropriately succeed? Tune in to find out!
Bob: A proud Internet lumberjack yet slave of the Manchild. Bob is bound by law and duty to the horrible beast. Every moment of his last days are being spent catering for Chris-chan's sadistic whims. A sad shell of what once was a great man, now he only waits, and prays for mercy from his foul captor.

Transcript

Inside, a multitude of voices echo around the cavernous mall. We hear our heroes' voices over the din of the shoppers.

Setup (0:00 - 3:10)

As the recording beings, we hear the technician, "Frosty" arming Emily's mic, cleverly disguised as a third nipple.

Frosty: Okay. lock it. Okay it-
Camera Whore: Are you wearing a thong? Is that a-
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: That better be fucking tight. (Talking about the recorder/thong)
Emily: It's tight.
Camera Whore: That might pop out while you're walking and it'll be like-
Emily: I should be like-
Camera Whore: A robotic vagina- *laughing*
Emily: I should be like- *laughing*
Camera Whore: Say "It's my vibrator"
Emily: *laughing*
Camera Whore: It's one of those things you see tapped to those- those hentai-
Frosty: Well the thing is Chris said in the script(?) he would squeal
Emily: *laughing* UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF
Emily: Okay, if he get's like way too close to me, I'm just gonna be like scoot my chair farther away
Camera Whore: (indistinct) I really like if... (indistinct)
Pickle Man: *laughing* Maybe Barb will come
Emily: Probably shouldn't leave the house anymore
Pickle Man: No, if (indistinct)
Emily: *laughs*
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man continues indistinct)
Frosty: There are Barb candidates everywhere (Talking about the free roaming hambeasts that populate the mall)
Emily: Yeah.
Pickle Man: Nononono but but in all probability there should be no Barb, if there is Barb I will shit myself
Emily: If there is Barb, we're done.
Camera Whore: We're not showing up
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: Yeah.
Frosty: (Mockingly) "You brought your Mommy?"
Emily: I should be like, "No put that shit in the bag, and we're not doing anything today"
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: That's it.
Camera Whore: And you can like, call him and be like "You owe me a dire apology and you're a jack off"
Emily: No I'm going- I'm going to yell at him, and make him cry
Frosty: Yeah.
Emily: and be like, "I'm going to live in Clyde's playboy mansion."
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
Emily: *laughs*
Camera Whore: I'm part of Clyde's playboy mansion
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: *Despondent* I'm the janitor

They all laugh

Emily: Okay, let's go see if he's there.
Camera Whore: You go see if he's there
Emily: NO! Cause it's- Cause he's- Cause I'm gona make an entrance like: HAIIII!
Pickle Man: (Pickle Man speaks indistinctly)
Emily: No. he wants to meet in front of Chick-Fil-A, so..
Camera Whore: Figures... but the general idea would be you park near where you want to go
Emily: *Chuckles*
Camera Whore: (indistinct)
Emily: *laughs*
Camera Whore: (Speaks indistinctly)Did you see those (indistinct) where it kind of looks like a penis?
Camera Whore: Right here
Emily: Oh *laughs*
Camera Whore: It's a fucking penis

A slight pause while something happens, presumably involving the penis shaped object

Camera Whore: Nope
Emily: *Disappointed*Oh
Emily:*Sigh*
Camera Whore: *Sigh*

An uneasy silence falls.

Camera Whore: There's that ugly bitch that looks like Hamster Girl(indistinct)
Emily: *Chuckles*
Camera Whore: She looks like Hamster Girl, right there
Camera Whore:(Speaking To Pickle Man) Is that the only one you can see working?
Pickle Man: (indistinct) over by Starbucks? You should (indistinct)
Camera Whore: Nonono she looks like Hamster Girl
Pickle Man: (indistinct)
Camera Whore: Don't she have no hair? oh she has a- (indistinct)
Pickle Man: No, she has hair. She has her hair back like this:
Camera Whore: Oh yeah, I knew that
Emily: Yeah.
Camera Whore: I was gonna say, I donno, cause I guess she died her hair blond. Cause I remember seeing her in some ugly strange colored hair

Target Spotted (3:11 - 4:46)

Suddenly, the festive mood changes to dread as Chris appears, in full stalker regalia.

Frosty:'(Noticing Chris)There he is!
Emily: (Panicking) Wut!
Frosty:' In the jacket
Emily: (Panicking) omygod EJECT omygod! (as the realization of what is about to happen sets in)

Many voices here, possibly more than the four that were speaking in previously "In the jacket" "There he is" .ect

Frosty: Are you ready?
Emily: Yeah I'm ready. *Nervous laugh/cry* This is going to be my best acting moment ever.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Emily: Yeah, Don't like, look, cause she has to get down first.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Frosty: He'll realize later, that's what it was.
Camera Whore: I don't feel bad
Emily: Okay, but if he like, won't come around and-(interrupted) Huh? I don't have my phone.

There is a short silence as everyone is overcome by the aura of the approaching manchild

Emily: (Nervously, under her breath) Oh my God....

Another pause.

Emily: If this is going to goes all smoothly, I should get like...(trails off)
Pickle Man: Where do I sit?
Emily: Umm, there's some benches like by the table... oh, oh, oh no.
Pickle Man: (inaudible)
Emily: Okay, there's some benches like nearby...
Pickle Man: Yeah?
Emily: Umm, just sit and watch them, talk and eat, then go change or whatever.
Pickle Man: Well, okay. I (indistict)
Emily: Yeah...
Pickle Man: Okay. I (indistict)
Emily: *Takes a deep breath* Yeah.

Emily begins to slowly walk twards her impending date with destiny as she gives instructions to the Pickle Man

Emily: or just kind of walk around and see if you can see us.

The Date Begins (4:47 - 7:17)

Emily parts with the Pickle Man and advances on the table. The hesitation in her step is audible, but she marches on, straight into the lions den.
At 5:21 Emily contacts the target.

Emily: Hi... (The words come out tinged with disgust, this wasn't the dramatic entrance she had hopped for minutes earlier)
Chris: Are you Emily?
Emily: Yeah, I'm Emily... So nice to meet you.
Chris: Hi Emily this is mah father Robert
Bob: (Cheerfully) Hello!
Emily: Hello

A slight pause while they presumably shake hands

Emily: I've started shopping a little bit.
Chris: thas alright
Robert: You're from West Virgina?
Emily: Yeah, I use to live here for a while but then I-
Chris: *interrupts with a single word* HAT!
Emily: But then I moved to...
Chris: *interrupts a second time* NEAT HAT!
Emily: Yeah I thought you might like it.
Chris: *laughs, amused by himself* heh heh
Robert: You go to school over there?
Emily: Yeah, University of West Virgina, My friend -uh, wanted to go to school there and she's my best friend, so I have to go with her everywhere. *slightly nervous laugh*
Bob: (Cheerfully) That sounds like the best way to do things! (Robert is surprisingly happy, when he's not catching his failure of a son masturbating in the kitchen)
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: *Butts in awkwardly* yeah hey Emily, do you mind a photo of you and me together? (Chris can't STAND it when the topic isn't focused on him)
Emily: (Genuinely Excited) Sure!

There is a short pause and Robert says something, it would seem a picture is taken.

Robert: What are you taking?
Emily: I'm doing journalism.
Robert: (Hard of hearing)Wha?
Emily: Journalism.
Robert: (Teasingly)Journalism? Oh, you're going to be a writer!
Emily: Yeah! *Giggles girlishly* (Who's on the date here? Chris or Bob?)
Emily: I did a lot-
Bob: He (Chris) has a half brother, who's.... Who lives in New York City and uh... does Freelance Writing and Show Review and things... for newspapers and magazines.
Emily: Is it- Does he love it?
Robert: I guess...
Emily: *Giggles girlishly again*
Robert: I haven't talked to him in years...
Emily: Yeah...
Chris: *mumbles something under his breath* You haven't said anything about me, before.

They take a few steps, and an extraordinarily unconformable silence falls.

Bob: You know thats- I worked at uhh- I'm an engineer and engineers never learn how to spell.
Emily: *Giggles girlishly yet again*
Robert: I think very logically but I-
Chris: *interrupts yet again* SHOOT! I got bad batteries in the camera.
Emily: *Moans with disappointment* (It's unclear whether or not she was more disappointment about the batteries or the fact that Chris keeps butting in)
Bob: (Continues)If I would- If would write anything, half the words would be phonetically rather than the way we're suppose to.
Emily: *laughs again, a little less enthusiastically*
Bob: (Continues)I got along fine... writing stuff on my word processor... when I had spell check
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: (Continues)but I don't do that no more

Robert emits a dry, finely-aged, man cackle. Chris is strangely quiet.

Emily: Did you like doing engineering?
Bob: Well, I had a really unique situation...

About Robert (7:18 - 0:00)

Robert Pauses, and seems to weigh what he is about to say next

Bob: Look, uh... I'ma-I'm really old
Emily: *laughs nervously*
Robert: Okay, so- cause I'm 81 and I came along before transistors.
Emily: *nods attentively* mm-hmm?
Bob: (inaudible)the stuff we had now, but even before then. This is when we had vacuum tubes. And I uh... got drafted after World War II. That's how old-but uh... They put me in the Signal Corps and they knew things I didn't know. They taught me how to install valve systems and switchboard and telephone (Inaudible). So I found out, yeah, I'm pretty good at that. So when I got out.. course that was in 1947... found out now- I know we had a deflation economy, I didn't know it then- Couldn't get a job, So I thought "Well, I got the G.I. Bill. I'll go to school."
Emily: Yeah, now it's really hard to become an engineer
Bob: Eh, now ya- I, uh- I went to a State Union College(?) to start with cause I had the philosophy, that if I went to a big school I'd be just... swallowed up
Emily: Yeah
Bob: So I went to a small school and took Pre-Engineering for two years and that was the best thing I ever did. Cause I wound up... well- I got through my two years of Pre-Engineering in small classes. (better than anything your sickeningly pathetic offspring ever did)
Emily: *nods attentively* mm-hmm
Bob: And also I loved music, and I was in this band and everything. And I got the chance to learn a lot about music while I was there. And then I went to Alburn and it was- talk about getting swallowed up
Emily: *Laughs Nervously*
Bob: Then- At that time Alburn, which now has like thirty thousand students, or something. Alburn had about five thousand students. I got my engineering degree. And then when I got out, I said: "I'll, uh, I can do anything with relays and telephones and (two more items, indistinct). I'm gonna work for Western Electric;-"
Emily: *interjecting her agreement* mm-hmm
Bob: "That seems (indistinct, cut off by Chris).
Chris: *Interrupting, yet again* Yeah! Hey! No, you listen to my father. Beause he's something; Because I get some of my intelligence from him.
Emily: Yeah.
Chris: Especially my tend-o-logical *phonetic spelling* intelligence.
Bob:*Ignoring Chris' comments* But anyway, I, uh, I went to work for them for forty years, and, uh, at that point in time... (Pause) uh, This is even before the (indistinct), the I.C.B-(Emily laughs again, drowning him out). Before the Korean War, and, uh, but, I-I found out they were building radar systems. Well that was fine, but I thought they had lots of available money, and they wanted to automatic (indistinct). At that time, nothing was automatic. They had none.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: So, that's what I come and build 'em. (Indistinct) what I learned in the army.
Emily: Yeah.
Bob: I started working with the first automatic (death storm?), that we ever made. And then GE heard about it, and they came down to help them with the (boat?), in North Carolina. And the GE came down, they offered me a job up in upstate New York. Cold country in (indistinct).
Emily: (Laughs at what Bob said)

Links

• The date (audio recording)