User:Cogsdev/Sonic Says
PVCC thread by User:Anaconda
Post 1
Sonic Says was the moral slapped onto the end of every episode of Sonic the Hedgehog. Chris learned to talk (at 8) from watching these, entered into a contest based around memorizing these things, and is a rabid Sonic fanboy in general and probably has these episodes taped or otherwise stored in his hoard of useless crap.
I'm going to give a quick summary of what the segment, what moral or lesson it was meant to convey, and how Chris didn't understand, misinterpreted, or ignored that lesson.
Watch episodes 1-19 if you hate yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eaw4IBhNE0
Ep 1.
Sonic is surrounded by enemies. Tails says to "call 911," but Sonic says that you should only do that for real emergencies. He beats up all his enemies, then ignores a burning house to talk some more.
The lesson: only call 911 for real emergencies.
What Chris learned: You can challenge multiple people to a fight and easily win.
ep 2. Tails and some other character share stuff from each other's lunches.
The lesson: When you share, everyone is happy.
What Chris learned: Sharing is for gays.
ep 3. There's nothing better than being touched by someone you like, but if someone tries to touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's NO GOOD
The lesson: Molestation is bad.
What Chris learned: I can still touch women whenever I feel like it because I'm awesome and all women like me.
Ep 4. In the unlikely event you're stuck in quicksand, moving slowly can help you escape.
The lesson: Even you can learn something from a sloth.
What Chris learned: To avoid danger, slouch around and do absolutely nothing for your entire day.
Ep 5. Some characters play on the train tracks and are almost killed.
The lesson: Don't play on the train tracks.
What Chris learned: Stay inside, away from dangerous things like trains and friends.
Ep 6. Tails is spraying graffiti all over a building. Sonic scolds him, and they move back 10 feet to paint on canvas and trade compliments about each other's art.
The lesson: Art is way past cool, but you shouldn't spray graffiti all over everything.
What Chris learned: Art is way past cool, and I'm awesome, so my art is awesome.
Ep 7. Tails gets lost, but doesn't know his phone number.
The lesson: Memorize your area code home phone number.
What Chris learned: Memorize your phone number, and tell it to strangers on the internet on a regular basis so you won't forget.
Ep 8. Tails and Sonic are getting a suntan, which doesn't make sense because they're covered in fur. They talk about tanning safely.
The lesson: Being in the sun too long will burn you.
What Chris learned: Being in the sun is one of the many dangers of going outside. Hide in your room for the rest of your life.
Ep 9. The air in the forest is superior to the air in the city.
The lesson: Trees are good, you should plant them.
What Chris learned: Planting a tree would take effort, so fuck that.
Ep 10. A giant ape awakens Sonic because of his missing giant ape baby.
The lesson: Tell your parents where you're going.
What Chris learned: Become overly reliant on your parents to an absurd degree, and watch them call the cops when you leave the house at 27 to see your pretend internet girlfriend.
Ep 11. Tails listens to headphones and is almost run over with a steamroller.
The lesson: Be aware of your surroundings when you're wearing headphones.
What Chris learned: OUTSIDE is full of many dangers. Stay INSIDE.
Ep 12. Tails watches a commercial and buys a cheap, awesome toy that needs tons of expensive accessories to work properly.
The lesson: Don't accept things at face value -- if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
What Chris learned: Buying shit can give you a nice, warm feeling, at least for a little while.
Ep 13. Sonic talks about how reading is way past cool.
The lesson: Reading is good, you should do it.
What Chris learned: Reading is cool so you should brag about it despite not reading anything other than RL Stine and Pamela Anderson's biography, which you read because it had pictures of her in a bikini.
Ep 14. Robotnik's henchmen pull up to Tails in a car wearing Groucho glasses and claim Sonic's been hurt. Tails is about to get in the car, where he will be sexually molested as part of some baffling evil scheme.
The lesson: Never go anywhere with strangers.
What Chris learned: Never go anywhere.
Ep 15. Tails is eating nothing but ice cream. Sonic tells him he should eat real food sometimes.
The lesson: Eat a balanced diet.
What Chris learned: McDonald's has a lot of stuff Sonic mentioned, like cheese and bread, so McDonald's is good for me.
Ep 16. Some character is running away from home, and Sonic convinces him otherwise.
The lesson: Your parents might not be perfect, but outside of their home you'll have to face the real world.
What Chris learned: Live at home forever!
Ep 17. Tails and some character are lost in the woods. A bear comes out of nowhere and tells them that moss grows on the north side of trees, and this will help you navigate the woods.
The lesson: Old people know useful shit about the woods.
What Chris learned: Follow the advice of a talking bear in all matters.
Ep 18. Sonic holds a flying contest to determine which character is the real Edgar Eagle. They both look extremely different, as one is an anthropomorphic eagle and the other is a robotic chicken. The clear winner of the contest (the imposter) is disqualified due to his failure to wear safety glasses.
The lesson: Wear safety glasses when you do really dangerous things.
What Chris learned: Contests are a good way to prove people's true identities. And if someone I don't like wins a contest, I can call them out on a bullshit technicality!
Ep 19. A creepy character with no pupils tries to steal Sonic's shoes while he is in the shower. Her conscience kicks in and she reconsiders.
The lesson: Stealing is wrong.
What Chris learned: If you take a shower, people can sneak up and steal your shoes. Never shower.
(Episodes 1-19 done, more later.)
Post 2
There's one or two missing from here, but obsessive internet person put them up in another block of videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyGB6ZW5 ... re=related
Ep 20. Tails forgot to feed his pet. Sonic lectures him about responsibility.
The lesson: Pets are nice but you have to take care of them.
What Chris learned: Pets reward you with unquestioning loyalty and can serve you in the afterlife.
Ep 21. Sonic and Tails are surrounded by garbage; they learn it's all shit they threw away.
The lesson: Recycling is good. Don't throw away things you can still use.
What Chris learned: Never throw anything away ever.
Ep 22. Sonic is covered with a rash from poison ivy. He remains cautiously optimistic.
The lesson: Learn what poison ivy is and stay away from it.
What Chris learned: The outdoors will fucking kill you.
Ep 23. Sonic stands in front of a pile of books and says being smart involves a lot of hard work and effort.
The lesson: Stay in school, read books, and study.
What Chris learned: Attending school automatically makes you smart, even if you sleep through the boring parts.
Ep 24. Robotnik's henchman try to convince Tails to open his front door so they can murder him. He refuses, and they are arrested.
The lesson: Don't open the door for strangers.
What Chris learned: Police lurk everywhere to arrest people who frighten or inconvenience you.
Ep 25. Sonic and Tails have a tandem bicycle. They are chased by Robotnik's henchmen on an identical tandem bike, which breaks and makes them fall.
The lesson: Take care of your bike or you'll get hurt.
What Chris learned: Bikes are dangerous, never ride them.
Ep 26. A radically extreme fish is about to dive into shallow water. Sonic and Tails stop him.
The lesson: Diving into shallow water will kill you.
What Chris learned: Water is dangerous, stay the hell out of it.
Ep 27. Tails has getting trouble in the morning because he stayed up all night watching TV.
The lesson: If you stay up all night watching TV you'll be tired the next day.
What Chris learned: Stay up all night anyway, and then complain about being tired to garner sympathy.
Ep 28. Sonic visits a laundromat for the express purpose of telling kids not to take a ride in a clothes dryer.
The lesson: Don't do that, you'll get hurt.
What Chris learned: Laundry is dangerous, never do it.
Ep 29. Robotnik's radically extreme son refuses to suck up Sonic in a giant vacuum due to peer pressure.
The lesson: Don't give in to peer pressure.
What Chris learned: Friends will only interfere with your love of Sonic the Hedgehog.
Ep 31. Tails dives into a river of orange Fanta but realizes he can't swim.
The lesson: Stay away from fast-moving rivers and don't do stupid things while you swim.
What Chris learned: Immersing yourself in water carries incredible dangers.
Ep 32. Tails ends up in court and is reprimanded for flying in a restricted area.
The lesson: Obey the law and you'll stay out of legal trouble.
What Chris learned: The authorities are there to interfere with you having a good time.
Ep 33. Sonic helps a tentacle monster who has a cold.
The lesson: If you get sick, take care of yourself, don't sneeze on people and see a doctor if it gets worse.
What Chris learned: Since mild discomfort is unbearable rush to the doctor immediately when you have a cold.
Ep 34. Some rabbit character tries to ground score some pills, but Sonic stops him.
The lesson: Don't take other peoples' medication.
What Chris learned: Don't take other peoples' medication, only take the Lipitor that was given to you for being an unhealthy fatass and the penis growth pills you bought off the internet because you're an idiot.
Ep 35. Tails wanders off without telling Sonic, frightening him for about four seconds.
The lesson: Don't wander off without telling your parent or guardian.
What Chris learned: Become over-reliant on your parents to an absurd degree and stay that way well after childhood.
Ep 36. Robotnik and who gives a shit have a race to prove some point or other, and Sonic calls them out for cheating or something.
The lesson: Cheating is bad, don't do it.
What Chris learned: Cheating is bad if somebody notices.
Ep 37. The robot monkey is about to buy a bunch of worthless crap, but Sonic advises him not to.
The lesson: Spend your money wisely.
What Chris learned: Money can be exchanged for worthless crap. Oh boy!
Ep 38. Robotnik's extreme son and some unnecessary hippo character almost hurt themselves on a playground.
The lesson: You could get hurt on a playground, so be careful.
What Chris learned: Video games will not injure you, do those instead.
Ep 39. Tails is bored, and Sonic refers to him as "G" in the manner of rap musicians. Later, Tails builds a tire swing and is an astronaut.
The lesson: If you're creative and willing to try new things you'll never be bored.
What Chris learned: Chris is comfortable playing the same video games for years on end, so this will never come up.
Post 3
(responding to someone else, included because it's amusing) The Nostalgia Critic talked at length about this Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon (and the other one) but didn't mention this: it seems like there are a lot of characters that they've just introduced out of nowhere as a plot point, and these characters are never mentioned again. I'm only watching the morals at the end but this seems to come up a lot. This seems like a way to avoid character development. Like, instead of Tails developing a gambling problem they'd just introduce a new character called Compulsive Gambling Mule and Sonic and Tails would help him by being awesome and running a lot. Then, he would never show up again. See also: Sonichu.
Post 4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCb23rxFs4A&NR=1
Ep 40. Tails is about to harass a wild squirrel in a top hat, but Sonic stops him.
The lesson: Don't touch wild animals, or strange pets, because they might freak out and bite you.
What Chris learned: Obviously nothing, because when animals (like Chris's cats) growl and hiss they don't want to be picked up and held.
41. Robotnik invents a stupidity ray as a weapon, and an excuse for Sonic to tell kids to stay in school.
The lesson: Stay in school.
What Chris learned: Attend a second-rate community college for six years obtaining certification for a computer program.
43. Sonic and tails stretch before playing football, but Robotnik's henchmen don't, which makes sense because they're robots without joints and ligaments and muscles. They are soon injured.
The lesson: Stretch and warm up before sports.
What Chris learned: Sports will fuck you up, so don't play them, or become a towel boy and act as if you were actually on the team.
44. The robot chicken and the robot tank thing claim they are "the robot gang" and try to extort money from Sonic. They are unable to back up their threats.
The lesson: Don't join a gang.
What Chris learned: It's easier not to join a gang if you have no male friends.
45. The robot monkey spills a container of acid, and only Sonic is qualified to clean it up.
The lesson: Never clean up anything you spill unless you know it's safe.
What Chris learned: Never clean up anything you spill.
46. Sonic is training for the Robot Olympics, which you think he'd be disqualified from. He is on a machine doing pull downs using the maximum amount of weight possible. Tails begins doing bicep curls, and tells him to "go slow, and use safety precautions" ignoring the fact that Sonic was just working out with a huge amount of weight a second ago.
The lesson: With hard work and effort you can improve your health by working out.
What Chris learned: Working out casually makes you as good as an Olympic athlete.
47. Sonic is a cowboy with lasers, and fights another cowboy with lasers.
The lesson: Real guns can hurt or kill people, so don't play with them.
What Chris learned: Real guns can hurt or kill people, so if you want to threaten somebody draw yourself shooting them with a gun.
48. A robot pirate character refuses to let Tails play with his sword.
The lesson: Swords and knives are dangerous. Be careful with knives, and ask your parents before you use the sword.
What Chris learned: Be careful with the $150 Cutco knives demonstration kit.
49. Tails goes swimming alone and is almost eaten by a shark.
The lesson: Use the buddy system if you go swimming.
What Chris learned: If you don't have any friends, never go swimming.
50. Tails is about to "time skateboard" down a hill into heavy traffic, and Sonic shows him how to skate safely by doing tricks on a half pipe.
The lesson: Don't do really stupid, dangerous things on a skateboard, just do regular dangerous things on a skateboard.
What Chris learned: Like bikes, swimming and the clothes dryer, skateboarding will kill you.
51. Tails is jamming a screwdriver into his "time skateboard", producing sparks. Sonic tells him not to do that.
The lesson: Don't tamper with electrical appliances.
What Chris learned: Nothing. You can punch or throw things at electronic devices whenever you damn well feel like it.
52. Tails is babysitting some infants. Sonic tells you the exactly three things you need to know when watching babies. The babies then write "crunk" on the wall.
The lesson: Don't leave babies alone and for the love of God don't let them use the kitchen.
What Chris learned: Caring for babies is beyond the abilities of men.
53. Some moles discard a bunch of garbage, but Sonic recycles it for them.
The lesson: Recycle your garbage and put it where it belongs.
What Chris learned: Make sure your semen stays in your body, by drinking it.
54. The robots play with the stove and catch fire.
The lesson: Never use the stove without your parents.
What Chris learned: Never use the stove without your parents. Keep doing this into adulthood.
55. Sonic races the robots in a car, for some reason. He wears a seatbelt. The robots don't, and crash, presumably with deadly results.
The lesson: Wear a seatbelt.
What Chris learned: Apparently Chris actually does this, because he didn't smash his face into the dashboard when he rear ended that cop (as far as I know).
57. Tails is captured by the robots, but calls the police.
The lesson: Call the police when you need them.
What Chris learned: This applies to people making fun of you on the internet.
58. The robots light their house on fire ironing some clothes, and almost die to their lack of a fire escape. Tails saves them because he is a fireman, apparently.
The lesson: General fire safety stuff.
What Chris learned: Ironing clothes is fraught with peril, don't do it.
59. Tails is frustrated at a computer. Sonic tells him it's worth his time to learn about computers.
The lesson: Learning about computers is a valuable skill.
What Chris learned: If something makes you mad, pound on it!
61. Sonic is trapped at the edge of a cliff, and talks about how he skipped breakfast. Later, he eats breakfast.
The lesson: Eat breakfast to help you through your day.
What Chris learned: Eat something like breakfast when you roll out of bed at noon.
Post 5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPlQtjFD0IA
62. The robots vandalize a playground to get on TV... apparently.
The lesson: Vandalism is stupid and illegal.
What Chris learned: Make sure your "whites only" girlfriend attraction signs are easily removable.
63. Tails cannot eat hot dogs without severe pain, as he never brushes his teeth. Sonic, who is also a dentist tells him this.
The lesson: Brush your teeth, and see a dentist every once and a while.
What Chris learned: Keep your wisdom teeth in a labeled glass jar and store it at eye level, in a bold declaration that no other human will ever enter your bedroom.
64. The robots wander into traffic while playing football, and are hit by a truck. Sonic instructs Tails to "get your parents to help you" play football.
The lesson: Don't play in or next to traffic.
What Chris learned: If you play football you will be hit by a truck. Don't do it.
65. Sonic takes Tails to the library and shows him a book about a dinosaur with eyebrows.
The lesson: Public libraries are a good place to find neat books.
What Chris learned: Libraries are places where I can sit around all day, silently staring at women.
66. Sonic wishes everyone "an extremely merry Christmas, every year of your life." The show is then canceled, forever.
The lesson: Christmas is nice.
What Chris learned: I should get children's toys for Christmas into my teens, twenties, and probably thirties if my parents or I don't get too fat and die.
MISSING EPISODES: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sOYdZXEOG8
30. One of the robots offers Tails free cigarettes. The robot gets sick from smoking despite being a robot.
The lesson: Smoking isn't cool.
What Chris learned: Smoking isn't cool, and I should concoct ridiculous, elaborate schemes to stop it.
56. One of the robots is inside a submarine, a vessel made entirely out of thick steel plate. He says "I'm bored!" and lights a match, at which point the floor ignites. This allows Sonic (who was being held captive) to escape.
The lesson: Don't play with matches.
What Chris learned: If I ever do a terrible comic involving an anthropomorphic hedgehog, I can do implausible things to advance the plot.
60. The robots drink liquor, which affects them, apparently. Sonic shows up and tells them not to drink, and they fall over.
The lesson: Drinking is bad.
What Chris learned: I will listen to this cartoon until another cartoon you like tells you it's cool to drink.