User:MoarLurk
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Americunt: This user is an Americunt and refuses to use unnecessary vowels. Uncle Sam would be proud! |
I'll just ramble here.
Oh, and I'm the guy whose letter caused Chris to describe the mildest nightmare ever.
I mean, seriously, how can Chris consider a nightmare where OTHER PEOPLE are suffering to be terrible?
I had a dream about Chris last night.
He stuck his hand (the one with the High School Ring on it) in front of the camera, and then dumped a bunch of pills into it.
Then the hand moved out of the scene and came back empty. I assume he was trying to kill himself on the internet.
That was odd.
I wonder if Chris really roars on the rare occasion he actually uses the goddamn toilet?
Theories
Dreams
It seems to me that Chris has a very childish notion of dreaming. He seems to think that if he has a dream, it was made for him and him alone by GodJesus. If he's feeling down, it's the task of GodJesus to make sure he has a good dream to make him feel better.
This makes sense, though. All of Chris's plans abide by some form of logic up until a certain point--the point where anything might happen. At this point, he automatically assumes that the best case scenario will happen--that he'll win the art contest, that Kacey will fall in love with him when she learns that he is really not Ian Brandon Anderson, that Liquid will drop out of the contest after he sings Lift Up Your Eyes.
So it makes sense that the best case scenario of a good dream--that it was a vision of his future sent by GodJesus to make him feel better--will fall victim to this as well.
"I am--OPEN!"
Naitsirhc isn't just referring to Chris's closeted homosexuality.
Some forms of media like to create villains who are just like the hero at their core, they just made different choices.
To Chris, Naitsirhc is one of these. He allegedly insults Gio at every chance he gets, disrespects his Sonichu, and failed to suppress his homosexuality. Chris already thinks that most homosexuals act like stereotypical black people (evidenced by his assumption that "Don't trust those new niggers over there" would keep the same meaning if he replaced most instances of "nigger" with "homo") and that they're all out to corrupt him.
"Behold the power of the well-trusted dog!"
Hmmm. This is more than a line stolen from Excel Saga. I'm going to use it as evidence to support my theory that Chris "trusted" Patti with his deepest angst after high school.
I mean, think about it. We all saw what Bob's reaction to Chris bitching was: "I don't care what you do, just get that stuff offa there!". And from the Kacey and Liquid call, Barbara seems to hate dealing with Chris whining if he does it enough. Patti couldn't talk back if she wanted to, and besides dogs are known for being made of love and affection.
High school, for Chris, was so bad he had to go onto Paxil. And I know that, much like some of his homemade Pokemon cards, he can't sustain himself unless he has a ton of mental defenses. Without Sonichu at this stage, and CWCville a mere idea, he may have gone out to play with Patti--something humans do.
(NOTE TO SELF: She might simultaneously want an ideal son and preschool Chris at the same time, think about that)
"I was shocked at first sight of it, but I calmed down after a while. It's the same, more or less, when I watch a horror movie and see those parts, but at least I have the knowledge that it's all Hollywood Magic."
What does he mean by this? Does he mean that Asperchu just features his characters in a movie, or is he claiming that he's disturbed by the fact that half the Combo just got slaughtered by Metal Asperchu?
I think I've stumbled onto why Chris is able to watch Saw but can't play Brutal Legend without turning on the censor and disabling the blood.
I've heard of people who freaked out the first time they died in Sonic or Mario or whatever. The reason? They thought that they'd actually killed their character. The Transformers movie, where Optimus died, came out when Chris was five. This is the age we all run into this issue, and Chris was no different. In his case, he screamed and locked himself in the closet because he thought Optimus was really dead forever and he'd never be on TV again. Chris recovered because Optimus has died three more times since then, but not in the right way.
For us, we learned how to tell fiction from reality. For Chris, he began to hope that the character could be brought back to life--by begging the creators of the series to let them "come back".
Now, when Chris writes Sonichu, he tries to remove everything he hates about normal fiction. And since he thinks we all share the same opinion as he does, he doesn't do anything to change it. He dumps spoilers left and right because he hates thinking that there is a possibility that the hero might actually go the way of Optimus. He hates knowing that the heroes are mortal, because knowing that makes him worry. And since Chris won't watch the news for the same reason, he's convinced that all heroes should be as boring and invincible as himsef.
He won't kill off Simonla because, well, aside from her being validation of Wild's heterosexuality, he thinks Wild is a real person. This is why Asperchu hurts him--someone draws his characters doing something, and he thinks that they're actually being forced to do it. It's Xent's Magi-chan fic, only Chris thinks the Narrative of others can afflict his town without access to the comic pages. So someone ought to do a comic adaptation of the fic immediately.
Fuck yes I was almost right.
The Roger Rabbit stuff doesn't surprise me much, actually. The first person I trolled was this insane girl who thought she'd figured out how to reach what she called the "Astral Plane", but it was basically what Chris refers to as "Toon World". That is, every fictional character ever created was there. Though, unlike Chris, she claimed that she'd actually gone there via meditation and married Sephiroth. I'm of the impression that the same things happened in the Harry Potter fandom as well and I am almost certain that Twilight has this problem too--thought it's worse because Smyer is in on it as well.
It's a common trait among lulzcows--but with Chris, this means FUN FUN FUN. All that porn we drew? Sonichu was mind controlled into gay sex with Chris. Crystal was forced to suck off the Jerkeif against her will, meaning we raped her. Sonichu was forced to swear loyalty to Mary Lee Walsh. Chris was put in diapers and then made to fuck his mom. Rosechu suddenly grew a penis, which Sonichu was then forced to take up his ass. And they struggled to resist as we made them rape their children.
Oh, and since they're all aspects of Chris to begin with, tormenting one will hurt Chris. Chris is too easy to torment and he just made it easier.
Still, while we now know for sure that he thinks his fictional world is real, we've still got one important thing to figure out.
The distinction between Comic Chris and Real Chris.
I know Real Chris will refer to Comic Chris as "me", but remember his different definitions--he may just be unaware that he looks like he thinks he's his fictional counterpart.
I think the only solution is to draw Comic Chris changing the laws in CWCville. We could probably get the drawfag who made the diaper picture to do it as well. For added authenticity, of course. Have him irrevocably state that he lost the election to Max Molvana(who is alive, I think Chris would panic if he realized he was back).
Characters as Mary Sues
Sonichu isn't Chris's only Mary Sue.
Wild and Magi-chan fall into this category as well.
Sonichu, as we all know, is who Chris desires to be. Rosechu is a lot of things, but it's easier to just say she's his ideal sweetheart(who is also his ideal daughter, sister, mother, and dog). One of their daughters is obviously Crystal(Which one it is, I don't know).
To expand on this, I would not doubt that Chris wants to relive his childhood via the comic. In that way, Sonichu is his ideal father and Rosechu his ideal mother(Freud says all men do this subconsciously I hear but I like to think it's worse with Chris). I would also not doubt that one of the children is a sue for Chris as well--it would make sense. But which one? One of the girls is supposed to be Crystal, and Chris isn't adverse to wishing he was born a woman.
It could be that the Crystal Sue is also the Chris Sue.
Though, I suspect Robbie Sonee to be Chris's sue. He's had the most "screentime" out of any of the little bastards(I think, anyway). His father loves and respects him because he exists--something Chris feels Bob doesn't do. In fact, I think his Christmas wasn't going too well and he had to write the Christmas story as a coping mechanism--it stopped because Chris felt better. More so, Chris secretly respects Bob but not in the way he claims--as noted in my explanation of Wild, Chris desires Bob's respect, which makes me think that Chris wishes he was Bob. Robbie is named for Bob(I think he was designed during a sweetheart saga--Bob becomes Chris's favorite parent because Snorlax starts trying to save him from us).
I hate to say it, but I can't elaborate on this much further until Chris writes more about the little abominations.
Wild represents Chris's desire to be appreciated by his parents. Look at his backstory--he was raised by a female creature that weighs on average 220 pounds and a terrifying male bug monster with swords for arms.
His father is instantly disappointed when Wild is unable to perform attacks perfectly literally five seconds after he hatches. Wild cries like a bitch and runs to his mother. This tells me that Chris thinks Bob should expect less of him.
Eventually, ScytherBob is abducted, leaving Wild to be raised exclusively by Mama Venusaurlax. This makes me suspect that Chris thinks his life would be better if Bob didn't give him all of da stress.
However, Wild does something Chris doesn't. He's going to reconcile with his father, likely by performing the same attacks he was unable to perform properly at the start. This makes me think that if he makes Sonichu successful, Bob will respect him.
As for Magi-chan, Chris has always had a desire to have total control over everything. He frequently exclaims that he is not a mind-reader, something many with autism spectrum disorders wish they had so they could know exactly what someone means by something. He's lazy, and so he desires the ability to teleport. And most of all, Magi-chan can see the future. Chris hates suspense, as evidenced by his rampant carpet spoiler bombing. He'd probably also desire knowledge of exactly when he'll find his sweetheart.
Chris and sexuality
Something bothers me. He seems to think homosexuality is something you can catch, and his opinion of asexuality is "I WOULD HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL ATTRACTION TO ANYTHING". Dunno what this means.
(Retarded) Ideas
Tell Alec to make it cannon that Metal Asperchu successfully killed Chris and his Chaotic Clones, at which point he went on to level CWCville(on Bionic's orders, of course). Oh dear, it looks like I'm getting my wish.
Declare that all further events in Sonichu are halucinations Chris trapped himself in with the last of his power.
Idea. Liquid Alec. Have a troll, like Liquid, pretend to be Alec. Then have Alec deal with him in a public and civil manner. Might be a nice slap in Chris's face.
Or we can just scrap the Liquid idea and just have Alec claim that he suffered like Chris did at the hands of Max once--well, sorta. He picked X over Y and the conflict ended there.
Y'know, Chris seems to have a misunderstanding of negative prefixes. When engaging Clyde and BILLY MAYS in the DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS chat, he claims that the ED page is "unwrongful". When called out on making up the word, he corrects himself--to "diswrongful". He seems to think that negative prefixes do not imply the negativity of the word they are attached to(unholy, unfunny, unlikeable) but rather emphasize how bad something is. Considering that he Types Like This for Emphasis, I wouldn't be supprised.
I just had another one of these ideas. As anyone who remembers the Alex Wuori raid(it spawned the Fox News report we all know and love), his dox were dropped(he tried to use Anon as his personal army) and his house flooded with pizza, boxes, and Qurans. The usual stuff and we've already done this to Chris.
There was one thing a poster did that was funny to me at the time. He hired a birthday clown and claimed that Alex was having his fifth birthday. Alex wasn't happy about this.
Now to combine it with Chris. Nothing made me happier than when I saw him raging on Christmas and New Years--days he ought to be happy ruined by having to feel rage. To Chris, of course, the most important day is his birthday as he is the best thing ever.
Chris has demonstrated before that a single traumatic experience (kicked out of english) can ruin his birthday. How bad would it be if a clown came up to celebrate little Christopher's fifth birthday? After all, Chris is mentally five anyway.
It's retarded, I know, but we just have to ruin his birthday somehow. He will rage. We will wreck him turning 28. I wish we could have destroyed CWCipedia then instead, but oh well.
Aspects from /cwc/
Wild is either what Chris thinks he could have been if Bob were removed from his life early on(Notice how Venusaur coddles him while Scyther is disappoint shortly before being abducted).
Magi-chan is the part of him that wants to know everything that's going on--Chris hates suspense and not knowing what others are thinking of him, and Magi-chan can both see the future and read minds.
Silvana also had a job. She was supposed to be an avatar of his loneliness, but we managed to corrupt her and now she's his perception of trolls.
Sonichu is who he wishes he could be and Rosechu is his ideal girlfriend. One of their daughters is supposed to be Crystal.
Punchy is his perception of asians. Also, possibly his perception of physical strength.
Naitsirhc is supposed to be the kind of villain whose personality can be summed up as "The same as the hero, except he made bad choices". Notice how he fails to maintain his heterosexuality, insults Black Sonichu, and allegedly disrespects his father, Gio.
Of course, Chris fucks this all up, as Gio doesn't seem to give a shit and in fact seems to respect him enough to trust him as a puppet ruler of CWCville. By extension, his version of Gio is supposed to be an evil version of Bob.
Also, he pairs him off with Kel, who is obviously supposed to be Kellie Andes.
Angelica, I think, is part his perception of religious people and part Rocky--notice how she comes up to Reginald(Who is just a placeholder for Chris) and tries to white knight for him.
He claims that Bubbles has a "Stern, but caring" personality. I assume she's partially his perception of his mother. Evidence includes a page in Sub-episode two where he tries to draw Rosechu looking conflicted but instead gives her an expression that says "Goddamnit Chris I'm sick of this shit".
The entirety of the PVCC consists of people whose authority Chris failed to respect--note the trial scene in Sub-episode 8 is being led by Mary instead of a judge. Mary herself must have repeatedly pissed Chris off--why else would she be the main antagonist?
Jamsta is his perception of what "cool" people act like.
Zapina is just him being a pedophile.
Allison is...well, she's an aspect of his ideal sweetheart--sexy, famous, and willing to do all of Chris's work for him while he dicks around.
Megtune is what Chris thought Megan was at her core, while Megagi was her outward persona(IE, the one Chris interacted with). Megagi's "chickification" can be blamed on Chris's positive, invented memories of Megan overrunning the negative, real ones.
Darkbind is just a ripoff of Link. He's got no dimension whatsoever.
Bionic is something more. Notice the story of his origin in Episode 16--he accidentally hits Chris with the basketball that inspired his creation(don't ask how Chris is apparently able to alter reality inside the comics), and then begins acting like what Chris assumes to be a cool older brother. He's probably a part of Chris's desire for a male friend to defend him from the JERKS, like an older brother he never had. That he comes off as a homo is just Chris being unable to tell the differences between friendship and faggotry.
Black Sonichu was originally meant to be an avatar of Wes, but Chris forgot what to do with him after he actually put Wes into the comic, hence why his personality has decayed. He's also partially Chris's perception of Shadow, and I say partially because he removed the whole "I DON'T KNOW WHERE I CAME FROM I MUST FIND OUT" thing due to his hatred of suspense. Notice how Chris always puts Blake on the cover of everything, as if he's an important character(the same could be said of Sonichu but roll with me, Magi-chan actually does more than he does).
Wes-li and Sarah are both Chris's perceptions of what Wes and Sarah thought of him--Chris obsessed over Wes and thought that the feelings were mutual.
I have no idea what he's tried to turn Simonla into--he's trying to claim that she's a carpenter, so I guess that mirrors his "I COULD BE AN ARCHITECT WITH MY CADD DEGREE!" bullshit.
Classic Strips
Some of these strips hold significance.
March 18th, which later got tacked onto Sub-Episode 3, was drawn sixteen days after Mary tried to "play SOCIAL DIRECTOR", attempted to "frame" Chris in an attempt to kick him out of the school for attempting the Love Quest. Chris became convinced that he was at war with her.
Come to think of it, Chris has a tendency to decide that if he's at war with someone he hates, the feelings are mutual(though reversed). He thinks the Jerkops are all out to get him because he hates them all, he thought Mary was out to get him for the same reasons, and he was convinced that Wes was obsessing over him.
Sub-episode 4 is dated July 20th, 2005, implying that Chris drew this immediately after he was removed from Wal-mart the first time. He either fucked up the date or drew Sub-episode 5 later.
Sub-episode 7 was drawn July 23rd, 2005. Three days after he was arrested at Target. Six days later he was sent to a trial, which either inspired Sub-episode 8 or said trial was just his fears manifesting. Here is when Snorlax made him quit the Sub-episodes.
Lessons Chris missed
I saw Cogsy's update on the Sonic Sez shit Chris missed out on. I'll expand.
As Cogs mentioned, in one segment Sonic makes a robotic chicken compete with an eagle in order to determine who is the True and Honest eagle. What Chris missed was that this was all a trick--the contest was just a distraction so Sonic could check to see if one of them did something the real eagle wouldn't do. In this case, it was the goggles(which did something).
Now, Chris also liked to challenge Liquid to come to his house. Why is he doing this?
Simple. He's convinced Liquid is Shadow to his Sonic. And Chris didn't like the idiot plot of Sonic Adventure 2.
For those who didn't play it, Shadow somehow gets confused for Sonic. Literally everyone in the world, even Sonic's true and honest friends, is convinced that they are the same person when they are clearly not.
Tails and Amy are only convinced when they break Sonic out of prison--hence why Chris thought inviting Kacey to his house would work. That Amy goes on to confuse Shadow for Sonic later on is confusing enough.
How does the world at large ultimately settle the same dispute? They see Sonic and Shadow at the same time trying to stop Biolizard from performing a colony drop. Now, in actuality, Shadow died in the process of returning the space station to orbit and the world saw them both save it, thus clearing Sonic's name, but to Chris, who takes everything at face value, simply thought being seen in the same place as the black impostor fixed Sonic's problem.
Biological Clock
According to Chris's PSN blog, his sleeping pattern was royally fucked up around the 13th of May, 2009. It should be noted that this was just two days before Ivy left him. This means something. Perhaps it means that Chris intended to act like he was changing himself just long enough to get Ivy's china. Considering that he lied when Kacey tried to get him to change as well, this is probably the case. I wish Ivy hadn't confiscated her recordings.
Chris and Authority
I need to come up with a rant on this.
Authority is something that Chris both desires and despises.
To do list:
- List of authority figures that Chris has failed to respect
Roach: Chris failed to realize that interrupting people while they are on the phone is a bad idea, and claimed that she was "evil" for sending him to his room. Bob Chandler: Chris has made reference to a desire to physically assault his father that is kept in check by some form of "respect" and complains about "arguments" that are in fact Bob asserting his authority as his father. The staff at Nathaniel Greene Elementary: When Chris likely blew up in class and was pulled out, he likely tried to attack the staff members, then the principal. This prompted them to hold him down and record his screams so they could have evidence when they took him to court. Mary Lee Walsh: This needs no explanation. An unknown security guard, possibly Jerkeif: Chris once yelled "NO!" at a security guard when he was asked to leave, and then later pissed off the IRL Jerkeif a few days later, leading to his arrest.
- Explain possible origins
The origins of Chris's obsession with authority likely emerged when he was young. Like any of us, his initial reaction to losing a fight was thinking "How can I get that power for myself?", and so he fell in love with the concept of being able to punish whoever he wanted for doing anything that bothered him.
His hatred, on the other hand, emerged at the same time, as authority figures would always punish him for acting out of line. The one authority figure in his life that he truly respects, Snorlax, likes to let him do whatever he wants to do and listens to him when he
- Explain confusion between respect and authority
Chris cannot comprehend the difference between respect and authority, and seems to think that the two are interchangeable.
- Explain authority and power
Still, there's something odd.
Snorlax: He likes her, because she lets him get away with everything. Every authority figure outside of his house: He hates them because they don't tolerate his bullshit. Bob: Unknown. For some reason he shows him the respect he failed to show law enforcement and school officials as well as the same hatred.
Fear and Respect are sister emotions. However, respect is harder to maintain and the two have similar results. Nobody can be truly said to both fear and respect someone. It's one or the other.
Let's take two examples.
You are living in a country under the control of an insane tyrant. You don't like him at all, but you know that if you don't claim to respect him, you'll get killed. You don't truly respect him, you're just afraid of him.
Now, if you live under the control of a benevolent ruler, you are happy that he does good things for you, and you respect him because of it.
Chris's relationship with Bob is likely the tyrant example--Chris doesn't respect him at all, in fact, he hates him, but he claims that he respects him because he's afraid of what will happen when he acts out of line.
Even stranger is the three years Chris spent living alone with Bob--we know so little of what happened to him during his middle school years because nothing happened. Nothing happened because Bob was constantly calling him out on his bullshit. His fashion sense was almost normal. Just look at the photos--sure, he has issues with acne, but we all did at that age. He looks like a normal kid.
What caused that decay? Look at the pogs of Chris from age 14 to 18--he gradually slips into his supernerd look. I'm going to assume it was Snorlax returning to live with him full time. Something about her presence canceled out Bob's semi-positive influence. Something about that undid everything Bob tried.
What is it? An escape route. Snorlax brought Patti with her, who I already think was the only being Chris ever truly cared about. Instead of having to face the consequences of his actions, he could rant to his dog or mother about it without fear of being called out on his bullshit.
Authority figures
One should note that of all the authority figures in Chris's life can be sorted into two categories--Snorlax and everyone else.
Snorlax lets him run about like an idiot and tolerates a large portion of his crap. Everyone else tells him to shut the goddamn hell up and behave.
Chris respects Snorlax, but only because she lets him do what he wants. She didn't mind the sign(it took her a year or so to tell him it made him look retarded), she doesn't mind letting him cuddle with her, and she doesn't mind the fact that he's screaming at the internet half the time.
Origin of desire
It's not surprising that Chris, after all of that, desired to obtain a position of authority. The moment someone loses to something, their first thought will usually be a variant on "How do I get to be that strong?". When you're beaten up by bullies, you wish you were stronger so you could defeat them. When a particular Gym Leader roflstomped you in Pokemon, you probably ran straight for a guide to find out how to get their team for yourself/defeat them.
Misinterpertation
Chris is unable to comprehend that power and responsibility have a direct relationship. As usual, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Naturally, within the comic, he has made it so--he's the mayor for life and his personal army of literal shock troops will silence the opposition. He's not truly respected at all--people just say that because they fear him.
Chronicles
September 11 - Chris reports in his diary that he was arrested for trying to "sell himself like a new car" at the mall. He does not have to go to jail, but he is forbidden to return to Fashion Square Mall without one of his parents.
If I'm not mistaken, this is the real-life version of Sub-episode 1. It's one year and seven months-ish after his 21st birthday(2/24/03-9/11/04). I'm going to call everything until the fight scene "What Chris thought was happening". It explains why Jerkeif comes out of nowhere and calls him a solicitor--he was carrying a sign that probably said something like "I WILL PAY A WOMAN TO BE MY SWEETHEART". To Chris, he wasn't soliciting--he was "selling himself like a new car".
The THAT IS MY HOUSE fight.
We all know how this began. According to Clyde, a troll (Probably Bryan Bash) called Bob and midway though the discussion Bob went "Wait how did you get this num-CHRRRIIIISSS!" and hung up.
What happened between here and GET EVERYTHING OFF THE INTERNET?
I'll assume a few things.
Bob confronts Chris immediately, and demands to know how we know where they live. Chris then rattles off a list of times he's dox dropped the house. He could have avoided the video at this point by not mentioning the house videos, but he did and that set Bob off. Bob played the Pokeflute and Snorlax also began yelling at Chris. They both then demanded that Chris get everything off the internet. Midway through the fight, Chris runs away to make the video. I assume Bob and Snorlax fought for a minute until Bob went to see if Chris was working on it--which led to the video. I assume Chris got the archive video removed and began the process of downvoting every video he could find that featured the tour video so Bob would be satisfied, then lied the next morning when Bob asked him if he took care of it.
Church ban.
If Rosechu's reaction to the ED page is supposed to mirror Chris and his own attempts to alter it, one has to remember what her reaction to seeing the page flooded with more dickgirl porn after her attempt to vandalize it fails--"I SHOULD GET MY FRIENDS TO WHORE THEMSELVES ON THE INTERNET TOO!"
On March 16th, Chris tried to declare war on ED. On March 17th, he was banned from his church because his pastor saw his ED page. I wouldn't be surprised if he fired off emails to everyone he knew in the hope that they'd help him kill the ED page. After all, he's recently begun trying to use his congregation as a personal army(he seems to think that if his pastor is pissed off, she'll sic the church on us). Chris never changes, so one can assume he tried it on ED and got banned.
Attempts to Counter-Troll
Chris has no concept of how the internet works, and as such he isn't very good at fighting off a trolling attempt. I've seen a lot of idiotic attempts in the past--Blazesonic threatened to do a comic with Anonymous as the villains and SpleenFat made Anti-ED--but Chris takes the cake.
First, there's his attempts to edit the ED article. He seems to be under the impression that ED restored itself from backups every time his edits got reverted--hence why Sonichu 10 claims that ED lost all of it's backups.
He doesn't know about the edit history page, and seems to think that in order to check for vandalism, an EDiot has to scan the entire page. This is the only reason he could have thought that making minor edits in various portions would mask his actual objectives--eliminate SheCameForCWC.jpg, remove references to homosexuality, ect.
He then revealed to us that he had a fake medal, and stupidly sent both the real one and the fake one to Blanca. Every time I see the fake medal, I imagine that Chris saw a group of stereotypical slow-in-the-mind thugs from a kid's movie looking at the two medals and going "OH MY GOD WHICH ONE IS REAL I CAN'T TELL ARRRRRRGHH". Except the fake medal had an angry face, when the logical thing to do would have been making a minor edit to the back of the medal.
He also thought that we'd leave him alone for a weekend if he claimed that he'd be in Redmond. And he thought that Christopher Smeagol would "derail" us somehow.
His definition of "trolling" seems to be "pretend to be someone you're not". Silvana seems content to simply turn into Meg, kiss Chris, and then transform once he's out of sight, even though any of us would have turned into a guy Chris hated the moment he closed his eyes. Either that or she's even less creative than EDF.
When he did RnT, he tried to act like he was successful and normal, things he is not. He somehow thought that by doing so and then revealing that he was still an utter failure, we'd feel the same pain we inflicted on him, which of course failed.
This is completely in line with other lulzcows--SpleenFat created Anti-ED because he assumed that his trolls would stop once he gave them a taste of their own medicine and it failed when he made an article on MysteryBot that consisted of a few paragraphs saying "THIS GUY HAS NO LIFE LOLOLOLOL". Granted, that was his perception of ED, a bunch of immature idiots who toss insults left and right and don't offer any proof to back up their claims. He had two out of three, but the last third laughed at him even harder. Come to think of it, Chris seemed to think MysteryBot was a user as well, considering that he tried to ban it from his article.
What can we learn from this? The nudes didn't hurt him, but the revelation that his sweetheart was fake did.
Strategies
I'm going to see if I can discern any patterns in the "strategies" Chris employs in battle. A few will be omitted when it's obvious that he just stole the whole fight from somewhere else (Sonichu and Mary in Episode 20 was stolen from Banjo-Kazooie and Chris versus Gayer Chris was traced from Sonic vs Knuckles).
We all know that Chris has, on his own, only beaten two or three of the villains on his own (while not a hobo or using Sonichu as a proxy sue). Every other time, he's owned and needs to be saved. I blame Sailor Moon for letting him think a hero that constantly needs to invoke Deus Ex Machina to survive a Monster of the Week encounter would be acceptable(only seen the abridged series but I still saw shit Chris copied/assimilated).
Wait a minute, Sonichu NEVER needs to be saved. That one time with Jason doesn't count, as Jason had no interest in killing him. So overall, Sonichu has never needed to be saved from a life threatening situation.
Getting owned by Wes? Sarah intervenes. Getting owned by Mary? Sonichu intervenes. Getting owned by two Manajerks? Darkbind intervenes. Getting owned by a giant Manajerk? Deus ex machina your female self into the world and have her intervene. Bagget, as noted, won because Crystal was suddenly useless. That didn't stop Chris from using her to break his fall. Owned by his gayer twin? Bionic intervenes.
Reality
We all know that Chris wants the mall (and possibly city) to be built IRL. Why? I don't think that he thinks it is real, but I know he doesn't want to accept it as fictional(as he crossed that out in the ED text). When asked about this, Chris responded with "I wish it were (real)".
He doesn't think it is real, but he wants it to be real. Why? Part of it is his egotism--he thinks his fairly bland life is difficult and terrible and thinks that he should have a monument dedicated to his struggles. We can ignore that part, but I think there's something else we're missing.
If genetic engineering was advanced enough, you'd bet that he'd try to physically create Sonichu and his other abominations. He wants a part of his fantasy world to come to the real world, as he's tired of having his godlike powers restricted to that realm.
Observations
Notices Liquichu's design? I don't QUITE get why he's a Rock-type(Because Ground types are the opposites of Electrics?), but look at his tail--he's a Zigzagoon, AKA the Rattata/Sentret/Bidoof of Gen III. Hell, look at one, they match his shirt perfectly.
What I find funny is that he's based off a raccoon, obviously because they are known to steal things. What makes this hilarious is that raccoons steal garbage. And to quote Chris, "HE'S STEALING ME!".
I rest my case.
Also, Chris seems to think Asperchu is gay because he cannot get his Sweetest Dix. I wish I could point out that this means Chris is gay because he can't pick up chicks.
Also, Cartoon World? I've seen this trope before(don't know the name), but it basically means "Everything someone imagines goes here", which explains why Pallet Town is suddenly in Virginia(Station Square, I'll excuse because of Sonic cannon).
I see only one logical solution--draw the most terrifying creations of imagination destroying CWCville in our own comics. As many as possible. Simonchu and Asperchu would be a good start, but what happens when we send the worst creations of mankind into CWCville in order to destroy it? Of course, we have to show Chris killing a few, but then we show all of his characters dying painfully. Perhaps showing an army of Magikarp killing everyone, and when Hobo Chris shows up, they all evolve and oneshot him.
Speaking of which, dear God the Sonee porn bombing must have fucked him up. It must have meant that he thought there was a real Sonichu and Rosechu that were being forced to rape their kids. Wait. WHY ARE WE NOT ACCUSING THEM OF RAPING THEIR CHILDREN IN THE MAILB-oh right it's gone I miss it already.
I need to go over the church audio. I've read the tail end and noticed something--Bob mentions that Chris constantly tried to get to Bowser(who he calls Koopa for some reason--odd that he'd use the Japanese term correct me if I'm wrong). Chris kept trying. There was some sort of grim determination to get the china in him at that point. Since he's mentally still at that age, I'd try to assume he sees his Love Quest in the same way.
Also, Emily was the one who put the ED sign on his lawn.
I've also officially given up on any hope that sense can be beaten into Chris. Let's just make every troll after Alec a smug asshole.
Ok, now onto Chris's favoriting habits.
After his account was hacked and all his videos replaced with "It's Okay To Be Gay" and his coming out of the closet video, the first thing he did was favorite two videos, both of which were homophobic--in the nature of their title only. The only one I remember is "Wow I shot a homo", and it's obvious that Chris never watched the video because it's a mild joke about how, due to differences in slang, the British phrase for "smoke a cigarette" can mean "shoot a homosexual" in America. He either searched "shoot homo" or "shoot the homo", because it's the first result. This was to show that he disapproved of homosexuals--his five year old mind can't tell how much is too much.
After another incident that cast his sexuality into question, he favorited a series of Sonic X AMVs that were apparently themed around the SonAmy paring. Again, this was to prove that he was in favor of heterosexual relationships.
Then, once more, he favorited the Meg video to indicate that he wanted to cum on her sweet pussy and breasts because he is not gay. He's just featured it again, which means he feels that his sexuality is being questioned. Why?
Simple. Y'know that girl he talked about? He's been rejected in a way Kacey and Megan didn't. And from the Asperchu calls, we learned that Chris thinks Dixie dumping Asperchu is proof of Asperchu's alleged homosexuality. He must think that he's been dumped and thus his sexuality has been cast into question.
Snorlax and Sweethearts
Ok, this just bothers me. Snorlax is more apathetic than I thought. However, there's only a few sagas--Julie, Emily, and a bit of Kacey--that we know exactly what Bob and Snorlax are doing.
Julie
Bob: After Chris was hurt by Blanca, he tries to personally make sure his idiot son isn't hurt again--this is kind of admirable actually. He questions Julie on her cover story, but due to some amazing feat Julie convinces him that Molvania is real. This is actually a good idea--if Max had slipped up, the entire saga would have fallen apart once Bob blew his cover story out of the water. Max was just a good liar and Bob is a bit naive. Currently knows that Julie was lying, does not know about Chris shoving the medal up his ass.
Snorlax: Like Bob, she suspects a troll. Unlike Bob, she does nothing until Julie is "abducted" and Chris tries to go to Ohio. For some reason, she thinks that we're with NBC and trying to expose Chris as a pedo--by the way I wonder why she thought that?
Emily:
Bob: Bob goes on the date with her, and argues in favor of going on the date. This is likely due to his own confidence that forum trolls won't try to touch Chris IRL--he's old, we can forgive him for that oversight.
Snorlax: Suspects a troll based on no logic or knowledge of the internet whatsoever beyond basic pattern recognition. Tries to stop Chris from going to the mall. His parents fight over him and Chris crashes into slumber. I suspect that she suspects another sting operation--why, I don't know.
Kacey:
Bob: At this point, he doesn't give a shit(background of Liquid vs IBA phone call) and in fact pretends to not hear Kacey(end of Kacey and Liquid call).
Snorlax: Calls Kacey a bitch and claims that she "might be lying to him". Chris ignores her.
He also implies that Bob became the "nicer parent" during both Kacey sagas--Snorlax wants her baby all to herself and Chris wants his sweetheart. Both of those desires come into conflict. Come to think of it, what if Snorlax always tries to sabotage Chris's relationships? What if she deliberately fucked Chris up so she could keep him at home and mentally five years old forever? And what if she's just using her knowledge of us as her latest excuse to keep Chris in the house?
The more I think about this, the more I think we should find ways to troll her as well. Not troll Chris, her. Trolling her will set Chris off, of course, but she needs to endure some rage as well. I'm amazed that his mother is fat, a redneck, and and utter slut and yet we don't mock him (and her) for that beyond referring to her as a Snorlax. Plus we don't know what happened to her eyebrows.
Y'know, what do you think will happen if we make an ED page dedicated to Snorlax(advertise the link in big red letters at the top of Chris's page so he'll see it because I don't think he knows about the subpages)? I know they've already copied some of our data into Chris-chan/People, and we don't know much about her, but we learned from the revised ED page Chris made that filling the page with speculation will cause Chris to correct it(he saw that ED thought he was kicked out of two places and changed it to four, among others). We could make up a bullshit explanation for why she's in the rut she's in, why her eyebrows don't exist, and why Chris is a fuckup because of her. Giving her her own ED page would be a nice try, anyway.
Expanding on Snorlax and Chris's school life
Elementary School Incident:
We all know what happened, and I won't waste time speculating on the event itself. What caused it?
Now, Chris was nine and we can always count on him to be developmentally stunted--he's somewhere between three and seven mentally and it's an uneven distribution. And having autism can make you blow up over strange things. When I was seven, I blew up at the bully because he spelled "next" as "nex" in "better luck next time" on a spelling test I failed. For some reason he didn't kick my ass that day in particular. But I digress.
I'm still searching for the cause of the event, and I think I found it--Chris mentions, shortly after he tardrages in Song of Christian, that he may have gotten an F in 4th grade(he was only at that school for a year and was homeschooled for fifth grade). Did I mention elementary school students are more prone to solving their minor problems via force than the average adult?
What if Chris had gotten a test back? What if there was a big ugly F staring at him? What if he, as he did when he was 16, took it as a personal insult? What if he, due to his inability to tell the difference between things like equals and superiors, tried to attack the teacher? That would have almost certainly gotten him sent to the principal's office. In the quote box atop the page for Bruce Johnson, he implies that he was only sent once("when I was sent to his office").
"he picked me up, set me on his lap, then I would always get off his lap"
This makes me think that Bruce tried to get him to sit on his lap repeatedly in an attempt to get him to calm down and Chris protested. The "bad vibes" Chris goes on to mention are likely, as the article speculates, Bob and his coping mechanisms warping the memory into something where Chris isn't totally guilty of his actions.
Anyway, he probably tried to attack the principal(According to the FAs, he saw nothing wrong with calling Mary a cunt or performing the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha in her office), causing him to call for backup.
Since Chris was acting INCREDIBLY out of line, they expelled him for his misbehavior. However, they wanted to get him help, so they restrained him until Bob could pick him up and recorded his screams so they could bypass the parental consent laws and blow any bullshit Boblax tried to spout at the judge out of the water. Or they could have anticipated Bob denying Chris was in the wrong.
Remember one thing--Chris cannot innovate. He can only copy what he sees. If he's doing something, it's because he saw someone else do it. So why did he run away from Jack and Alec during their calls? SOMEONE taught him to do that.
And didn't Boblax run screaming to Richmond, Chris in tow, at the first chance they got once all of their arguments were utterly destroyed and the world refused to put up with their bullshit?
Middle School:
Something I noticed--Chris became somewhat normal during his middle school years. He was bullied a lot, but that's common for people with HFA--we have a hard time learning the difference between playful teasing and insults (we either take a teasing statement the wrong way or go overboard with our own). Plus, it's really hard for us to harden ourselves against verbal abuse, espicially in middle school, where you have to deal with those smug twelve year old assholes with their shit-eating grins and the counselors are still dense("They mock your hobbies because they want to be your friend" my ass). For lack of a better term, HFA makes us trollbait and the people who are supposed to help are usually convinced that all the crap they see in their instructional videos works.
Bob was a single parent during those years and Snorlax only came on weekends. Did she do something to stop Bob from fixing Chris? I know that she and Bob haven't fucked for nearly two decades. And I know that she's a slut. Anyone think that during the three years she wasn't near Chris most of the week, she was committing adultery? That ought to be a good thing to put on her ED page if it ever comes up. But other than the tote bag of fail, Chris looked normal and could have just been that quirky guy with no friends.
I assume the teasing got worse in high school.
Now, Snorlax. Is she deliberately fucking Chris up for her own ends? She isn't responsible for the tugboat--that may just be Bob thinking "Well, Chris will never be able to hold down a job, so really, what else is there?". People often assume that because they live in the South(Virginia is a very Northern part of the South), they're funidie welfare leeches.
I don't think so--Bob and Snorlax both live on their pensions and for all we know the tugboat money that Chris pays them goes into a fund that will augment the tugboat once they both die--he's dead set on keeping Chris out of an institution, going so far as to name Chris the rightful heir to the house. Not because he's convinced Chris is fine--because he may not know that mental hospitals aren't the godforsaken hellholes they were in his day. Everything he did that fucked Chris up can be pinned on a misguided sense of responsibility. He also seems to think that he understands autism more than anyone else, so he blames every failing Chris had on people not understanding Chris(Cub scouts, Elementary school, ect). This might be the origin of Chris's "MEET ME IN PERSON I SWEAR I'M NOT A HOMOPHOBIC SEXIST HYPOCRITE IN PERSON I SWEAR!" excuse--though Anna's edit to the ED page might have helped spurn this along.
Snorlax, however. At one point during the sweetheart search, she promised to help Chris learn how to pick up chicks. Nothing ever came of this beyond the one time Chris mentioned this.
During the sign saga, it took her one whole year to tell Chris that the sign made him look like a retard. Know why? During that year, Chris got arrested. Twice. What if she knew the sign would only serve as a pussy deflector? What if she was content to let Chris try to attract women at the mall/target/wal-mart? Hell, she might have been happy to hear of his bans--he'd run crying into her flabby arms and never leave the alone house again. What happened?
Bagget.
"I was even taken to court after the Target incident, but because of my volunteer work with the Pokemon Trading Card Game League at the Game & Hobby Place, I was put under watch for 3 months, then found Innocent and cleared of all charges.
During all this, I learned from my mother that the sign made me look retarded, and eventually, I did away with the sign. "
She realized that what she thought a harmless activity could in fact hurt Chris. He'd just narrowly escaped a solicitation charge and she didn't want him to be a repeat offender(which is harder to defend). She became paranoid. She may think that the next time Chris is in court, he'll go to prison.
To counter this, she made him stop using the sign. When she found out that he had drawn a comic--Sub-episodes 7 and 8--slandering the decorated officer who had arrested him, she made him stop the Sub-episodes out of fear that someone might sue him for harassment. With Julie, she tried to stop us from luring him to Ohio. With Emily, she tried to stop us from luring him to the fucking mall fifteen minutes away. I bet she hates the FAs too, considering that Chris hides his drinking habits from her.
One question: Why was she worried about it being a To Catch a Predator-esqe sting operation? Does she think Chris has it in him to be a pedophile(again, ED page material)? What has he showed her that indicates such? Has she seen his porn stash(ED page material)?
Bagget jarred her view of the world and how safe it was for Chris to be out there. Now she doesn't want him anywhere that isn't their house. All that paranoia we don't see in Chris? Snorlax might feel it for him. Come to think of it, trolling Chris trolls her and trolling her would troll Chris. Two lulzcows for the price of one!