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Mailbag 23

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Mailbag 23 was posted to the CWCipedia on 23 December 2009. Despite Chris's recent habit of updating almost daily, he waited up to 28 December 2009 to answer this mailbag.

This mailbag marks the return of Chris's willingness to actually change what other people have written to suit his personal preferences, and what is perhaps the strongest comeback of it yet. Chris heavily altered one letter to the point where it was virtually unrecognizable (not to mention unreadable). He kept a copy of the original letter in the rejected mailbag. Chris also lists several magic spells that he wishes he could perform, including "Hono" (a homo eradicator) and "Come to me, my Women" (a virginity eradicator).

Answered

"All of my ear" is not inherently funny

From: Aldof Meyer (AMeyer1950@APA.org)

Hello, Christian. I enjoy Sonichu on my days off from work. However, as a professional psychologist, I have to say your attacks on Asperger's Syndrome are rather odd. Especially the Most Terrible Cut of Meat" argument. Dr. Hans Asperger's name was Austrian, and Dr. Asperger himself was a very kind and earnest man. If his name were, say, Eselbrötchen, then I could see your offense, but, the name is arbitrary. It could have been anyone's last name, even mine! It bothers me that if the syndrome were called, say, Jackson's Syndrome it would bother you less. If you won't change your views on the disease, then, please, leave the late Dr. Asperger out of it.

With respect, Aldor Meyer, Ph.D

And to prove the point of misinterpretation in your direction, "Aldof Meyer" sounds like "All Of My Ear"; it writes its own punchlines.

Do what you want ‘cause a pirate is free

Scourge of the seas
From: Guybrush Threepwood (m1ghtyp1rate@lucasarts.com)

Arrr! Ahoy, Christian! I'm Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate! May I ask ye a few questions, me matey?

1. Did you ever fantasize about being a pirate?

2. What would you do if you were a pirate? What would your ship be called?

3. Imagine: you're in a vicious sword fight, and your deadly opponent shouts a painful insult: "You fight like a dairy farmer!" You obviously need to come up with a counter-insult to his insult! What would your counter-insult be?

4. You said you like to drink at parties, now and then. Would ye like to drink GROG, like a real pirate???

Fair winds to ye, matey, and make those blaggard trolls walk the plank!

Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate.

I fantasized being a pirate a bit, recently in the latest LittleBiGPlanet Content based on "Pirates of the Caribbean". My ship would be called "The CWC Route". I would say, "Don't have a cow, man." Probably. Thank you for your support.

Chris the hero

From: Howard Roark (fountainhead3000@hotmail.com)

Hi Chris, I had a quick question about something you said in an earlier mailbag:

"As if I haven't acted enough of a Hero or crime-fighter already?"

Can you tell us more about your heroism or some crimes you've solved? The reason I'm asking is because I don't remember any times you've talked about being a hero or crime-fighting. It's nice that you're modest about that, but I'm sure your fans would love to hear about your adventures!

Sincerely,

Howard Roark

I would have to rethink of those stories and write them up for typing later. When I said that, I was referring originally to the adventures within the Comic Pages.

PETA sucks

From: Sarah Mclovin <hedgeh0gluvin@live.com>

Dear CWC,

I am a big fan of your work and have been following you and your brave struggle with autism and trolls for awhile.
Being such a big inspiration to the autistic community I wanted to know if you had heard the news that scientists have found the cause of autism.

http://www.peta.org/feat_autism.asp

As that article clearly states a direct link has been found between dairy milk and autism. It has also been shown that removal of milk from the diet of autistic children improved symptoms. I was wondering what you think of this new discovery? I for one am excited because now that we have isolated the cause of autism we can begin working on a cure.

The link is only a theory, and they state that they have NO Concrete Evidence to prove it fact. I feel that it is a bunch of Bologna.

Family Guy Comic

From: garyoak591@gmail.com

Hey Chris! I am a fan of your Sonichu comics! They really make my day when I fell my heart-level is down. Anyways, I read the post you wrote about a Family Guy episode featuring you, Sonichu and Rosechu. It would be awesome if they did make it real and I hope they will! But I was wondering if you could make that episode into a comic so I, as well as your entire fanbase, can see how it would look like. Could you please do that? That would be awesome! I wish you the best! Your fan, Toomiss Sasa

I have thought about that, and it will be done soon enough.

High functioning murderers

Dudes of all teenages.
From: redboomer05@gmail.com

Hello, Christian.

My name is Maria and I am a teacher at the Cantrona County High School in New Mexico. I'm writing you because two of our students are in the hospital after a terrible car accident. They love your comic book and are always talking about Sonichu. When you put up a new page, they print it out and bring it to class for everyone to share. Their names are Dylan and Erick, they're both high-functioning autistic children. I'm writing this in hopes that you'll put a little "shout-out" to them in your next comic. Maybe a little sketch with a drawing of them and Sonichu giving his support? I would love to bring that page to them.

I enclosed a picture of them in case you want to help with this. I know you're a family-man and you understand how much this could mean to them. Imagine if one of the sonic artists drew you a picture when you were a kid, that would be much how they feel!

Thank you in advance, Maria Redboomer

I have recently gave a shout-out to them both in a video on my YouTube. I hope they are doing better. Thank you for letting me know so I can show my support for their benefit. --ChrisChanSonichu 01:56, 29 December 2009 (CET)

Sonichu and Rosechu watch Family Guy for their children's benefit

From: hurdygurdy@doglover.com

Dear Chris,

As a mother I am appalled that Sonichu lets his children watch Family Guy. Family Guy regularly contains swearing, references to drugs, frequent violence and smutty humour. It is not suitable for any child under the age of 15. How can Sonichu justify letting children under the age of 5 watch this show?

The fact that one of the children repeats a rude, insulting joke about the Virgin Mary having sex shows that it's a bad influence on them. Children should not be saying those sorts of things, especially when they are too young to understand them.

It doesn't matter that Sonichu and Rosechu watch the show with them. When a crass joke is made, is it Sonichu or Rosechu who explain what sex, incest, pedophilia or masturbation are

Sonichu and Rosechu are bad parents and their children must be taken into care immeadiately.

You are taking this out of proportion. Letting children watch the show WITH Parental Supervision; the PARENTS are responsible to point out the differences between comedy, parody, fact, fiction, and how they feel about each topic as well as what is currently happening with that. Sonichu and Rosechu HAVE BEEN DOING ALL of that, and it is for the children's benefit.

Chris on fornication

From: Daniel Silva <svenporks@yahoo.com>

G'day Chris, Dan here.

My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. She is a Catholic and I am a Methodist. However, she quotes numerous passage in the bible that specifically forbid ANY sort of sexual activity before marriage (including oral, anal). Some she quotes are 1 Corinthians 7:2, 10:8, Galatians 5:19, Ephesians 5:3, and many more. Even 2 Corinthians 12:21 states "I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged." As a devout Christian, she has convinced me that ANY sexual activity before marriage is against God's will. However, I still want her, so I need a second opinion. Is it okay to have sex before marriage? And if it is, what does God think about it?

God and Jesus wants us to live our lives where we each feel comfortable, happy and at peace as we individually see fit without regret. I feel sex before marriage is good; it establishes that link in the relationship which establishes that this mate makes me feel most comfortable, happy and satisfied in sexual intercourse.

And, NOT to promote such, but most people would have done it with multiple partners beforehand anyway, and those people have it good, because they have the benefit of understanding and appreciating good sexual intercourse from the bad.

--ChrisChanSonichu 01:56, 29 December 2009 (CET)

Attraction locations

From: cjnorthlondon@yahoo.co.uk

Hi Chris

I'm a virgin and I'm so alone. Let me explain my situation further.

I've waited twenty years, seven months and twenty-seven days, yet I've never had no-one ever. There's a club where I like to go ... so I go and stand on my own, and I leave on my own and I go home and I cry and I want to die. I am human and I need to be loved - just like everybody else does. I've seen this happen in other people's lives, and now it's happening in mine. Will nature make a man of me yet?

As a frustrated virgin yourself, what advice can you give for coping with such misery?

Steven Patrick Morrissey

Have you TALKED TO THE WOMEN while you were at the club at all? You will not get anywhere without at least starting small-talk with WOMEN. I highly recommend continuing going out, and TALK TO THE WOMEN; even those who are already taken can help hook you up with SINGLE WOMEN they know. --ChrisChanSonichu 01:56, 29 December 2009 (CET)

In which Chris honestly thinks he's in contact with Seth MacFarlane

From: Michael Boharsik <mboharsik@gmail.com>

Dear Mr. Chandler,

My name is Michael and I have been following your video blogs for some months now and I must say that I am impressed by your artistic abilities. Have you tried contacting Seth MacFarlane (which is how you spell his named) directly about cooperating on an animation project? I'd love to see some CWC and Sonichu action in a/many Family Guy episode(s). Please keep us updated on any developments in this matter.

God bless you and have mercy

Communications have been started, and developments will be posted on the Cwcipedia as they come up.

Basic language

From: Thomas Light <robotmaster18@yahoo.com>

Dear Christian Weston Chandler,

I have enjoyed your comics since the very beginning, Mr. Chandler, and I have to say that I've received endless entertainment from them and from everything related to Sonichu and its creator. I have been reading, and quite enjoying, your Christmas Special that is issue 11, but I have a question though. How come Sonichu and Rosechu's Sonee and Rosey children speak in nearly fluent english, when the Chaotic Combo only could speak their names, like normal pokemon. Why is that? I mean the Chaotic Combo hatched from eggs, just like Robbie, Cera, and Christine?

Robbie, Cera and Christine got to learn to speak fluently from their Parents who Speak it well too. After hatching, those three Started out only saying "Sonee" and "Rosey"; relatively, most of the Chaotic Combo members did not have English-Speaking guardians, so they could ONLY learn to speak English AFTER growing up to be Sonichus and Rosechus. --ChrisChanSonichu 01:56, 29 December 2009 (CET)

In which Chris goes nuts

Chris altered this letter a great deal, then placed an unaltered copy in the rejected mailbag. His additions have been marked with italics.

From: thespekkio@hotmail.com

Dear Mr. Chandler,

I'm not really a fan, but recently I've become very familiar with your work. You see, I am a homossexual. For months I have been trying to come out of the closet, but my father is really conservative, and not wanting to disappoint him rendered me depressed. Talking to my therapist, she said you too strugled with your sexuality for a long time, AND SHE IS IN ERROR in Ruckersville Virginia. If you could answer me this questions, it would mean a lot to me:

1-Why are you Straight? BECAUSE IT IS NATURAL TO ME AS A STRAIGHT PERSON.
2-How did it feel? IT FEELS RIGHT AND TERRIFIC BEING STRAIGHT.
3-Did your father appreciate you being straight? YES, AND SO DOES MY MOTHER AND ALL OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
4-And how about your mother? SEE THE LAST QUESTION'S ANSWER.

Thank you Mr. Chandler. Ray Garrity

P.S. - About Sonichu: I love it. The whole straight subtext in parodying the suggar-filled, merchandise driven world of childrens comic is brilliant. The way you portray the True-Love-Filled marriage is pure genius. I hope in the end he never gets divorced.

P.P.S.- Also, the gay rights ads: Thank you for using your talent and fame for killing the cause. Soon we are going to be able to become Striaght, Find Our Women, get married, and NOT go to Hell!

I AM STRAIGHT. I was NEVER a Homosexual; THOSE ARE ALL FALSE RUMORS FROM THE GOD DAMN TROLLS AND SUCH DAMN MISLABELING PEOPLE. The ONLY closet I came out was the Autistic Closet. SHUT THE F*** UP!!! ALL OF MY SONICHUS AND ROSECHUS ARE STRAIGHT!!! I DO NOT CARE FOR YOUR COMMENTS OF MISLABELINGS!!!

AND the Ads that tell you otherwise that have been plauging the Cwcipedia lately ARE NOT CANNON TO ME OR MY WORKS WHATSOEVER.

And TELL YOUR THERAPIST that SHE IS IN ERROR ABOUT ME; SHE IS SERIOUSLY MISTAKEN.

--ChrisChanSonichu 01:56, 29 December 2009 (CET)

The uncorrected version of his letter is in the Rejected Mailbag.

It is likely Chris has forgotten that Mr. Bobson wants him to upload his report cards

From: Bob Bobson <totallyfine1@gmail.com>

Chris, the longer you sit on this, the more ground the trolls gain.

This is the kind of problem that gets worse if you ignore it.

Do you want Sonichu to be forever known as "that comic made by that egotistical retard", as some of the trolls are saying?

I don't see why, as the way to stop it is as simple as uploading scans of a few papers. That way all of them will be discredited. Don't you want the trolling to be permanently weakened?

Some fans are already being mocked in real life because of the trolls. You've got to stop this issue now or else the fans will begin to think the trolls are right about you as well.

I am not ignoring it; I am doing what I can against the Trolls.

More falsehood

From: Seth Sethson <totallyfine2@gmail.com>

Out of curiosity, when do you plan to answer the letters in "Let Me Get Back To You On That"?

I mean, you reply to the letters in the Rejected Mailbag, so why not?

Those letters will be replied to soon.

Chris and the dark arts

Even if he was magical he still wouldn't be able to get any china.
From: nasugrave@mail.com

Dear Mr. Chandler,

As a long time reader of Sonichu, I have a question I would like to ask. If you had the ability to use magic, what would your top 5 spells be and what would be their names? When you answer it, I would love it if you did it in this format 1), 2), 3), etc. with 1 being the weakest. Also, what spell would you use to counter other spells? Thank you for reading this!

Your friend - Nasu Grave!

1) "Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha" - Placing Bad Luck and Extreme Misfortune on all of those who give me grief or hate. 2) "Forgiveness Blessing" - Cures all ailments of virus or physical qualities. 3) "Hono" - Makes Gays, regardless of gender, become Straight; NEVER to be gay EVER Again. 4) "Peaceful Teaching" - Quells all disputes and disagreements within a 1000 mile radius, and turns all weaponry into dust. 5) "Come to me, my Women" - Locates and attracts 18 to 30-year old single women within a 5-mile radius. --ChrisChanSonichu 01:56, 29 December 2009 (CET)

Chris on bisexuals

From: metricinchworm69@aim.com

Firstly, I'd like to wish you a merry Christmas, Mr. Chandler. Secondly, I'd like some advice. I am a guy, and I hang out with my best friend, who is also a guy and very religious, pretty frequently. A few days ago, we got into an argument over gay rights. I believed that people should have the freedom to pick who they want to be with and shouldn't have anyone else tell them otherwise, he said that homosexuality is a sin, and that it's satan's way of tempting people. At that point, I told him that he shouldn't be condemning something he doesn't understand. I was wrong. He confessed to me that he was attracted to guys AND girls. He kept it a huge secret, and he believes that it's just the devil tempting him. That's why he hates gays so much, because he's one, too, and he's not comfortable with it. What should I do? Should I hang out with him less? Should I tell him that God made him that way and that he should embrace it? He's never been very successful with girls, so I just don't know what to do...

You, sir, should ACCEPT HIM for his choices and decisions. I agree with him TO THE FULLEST. DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM TOWARDS the damn homosexual lifestyle anymore. You may continue being his friend, BUT NOTHING FURTHER.

--ChrisChanSonichu 01:56, 29 December 2009 (CET)

In which Chris endorses concentration camps

From: Ohni Pasilius <ohnipasilius@gmail.com>

Hi Chris! Thank you for your kind reply to my previous mail regarding homos. I was surprised that you were against exterminating them, as that would be the most cost effective way to get rid of them. However, I have came up with another idea, wich you might like. All homos could be put into strictly controlled camps, where they could be used as free labor in such places as mines etc. Hard working would surely make them forget their DISGUSTING lifestyle. Arbeicht macht frei, as the saying goes.

Would you consider using this method in CWCville, if scientists fail to cure homos using your blood?

Straight Camps to reprogram their minds are encouraged; BUT forcing them into slave labor is not only Wrong, but Illegal.

Rejected Mailbag

In which Chris goes nuts UNCUT

From: thespekkio@hotmail.com

Dear Mr. Chandler,

I'm not really a fan, but recently I've become very familiar with your work. You see, I am a homossexual. For months I have been trying to come out of the closet, but my father is really conservative, and not wanting to disappoint him rendered me depressed.
Talking to my therapist, she said you too strugled with your sexuality for a long time, but you managed to come out of your closet (even being Autistic!) in Redneck Virginia. If you could answer me this questions, it would mean a lot to me:

1-When did you realised you were a homosexual?
2-How did it feel?
3-Did your father took it well when you came out of the closet?
4-And how about your mother?

Thank you Mr. Chandler. Ray Garrity

P.S. - About Sonichu: I love it. The whole homosexual subtext in parodying the suggar-filled, merchandise driven world of childrens comic is brilliant. The way you portray the protagonist as a self hating homo trapped into a marriage so that he doesn't give in to his desires is pure genius. I hope in the end he ends up with Magi-chan. The whole "Opposites Atract" has been done ad nauseum, so I don't want the Sonichu-Blake ending that most of your fanbase expects.
P.P.S.- Also, the gay rights ads: Thank you for using your talent and fame for keeping the cause alive. Soon we are going to be able to get married EVERYWHERE!

I AM STRAIGHT. I was NEVER a Homosexual; THOSE ARE ALL FALSE RUMORS FROM THE GOD DAMN TROLLS AND SUCH DAMN MISLABELING PEOPLE. The ONLY closet I came out was the Autistic Closet. SHUT THE F*** UP!!! ALL OF MY SONICHUS AND ROSECHUS ARE STRAIGHT!!! I DO NOT CARE FOR YOUR COMMENTS OF MISLABELINGS!!!

AND the Ads that tell you otherwise that have been plauging the Cwcipedia lately ARE NOT CANNON TO ME OR MY WORKS WHATSOEVER.

And TELL YOUR THERAPIST that SHE IS IN ERROR ABOUT ME; SHE IS SERIOUSLY MISTAKEN.

--ChrisChanSonichu 01:30, 29 December 2009 (CET)

Chris the sociopath

From: Sean Watley <seanawatley@gmail.com>

Chris,

How are you dealing with the recent heavy snowfall? Since you have many symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder (which you can read all about on Wikipedia) like lack of empathy and remorse, lack of any realistic future goals, criminal behavior (like stealing your parents credit cards to buy video games), an inability to keep jobs, an inability to keep friends and maintain relationships, Narcissism, your persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social rules, obligations, and norms, and cruelty to animals (remember that snake you intentionally ran over this summer?) I hope you don't chop up your family in a fit of rage or anything.

You shouldn't hold your cat like that either, she doesn't sound like she wants to be picked up.

Oh, and why are you advising people to date women that remind them of their moms? That's pretty sick.

Happy Holidays,

Sean August Watley

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For Truth and Honesty, see the archived CWCipedia page on Mailbag 23