Difference between revisions of "User:Old meme/Sandbox 4"

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(OH SHIT SON FOURTH SANDBOX PAGE)
 
(Chris and sex rewrite. This page is trash, and it needs the Old Meme treatment.)
 
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Certain that [[Jason Kendrick Howell]] was the creator of the [[Christian Weston Chandler]] page on [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], Chris soon convinced himself that Jason was the mastermind of all his woes on the [[Internet]]. Obsessed with this new enemy, Chris began an exhaustive investigation, and came to the conclusion that when Jason was 20 years old, he had a girlfriend named '''Kathleen Nicole Wallace''', and she was only 17 years old at the time. Chris began announcing this wherever he could, essentially accusing Howell of committing statutory [[rape]]. Chris's charge, of course, assumes that Jason and Kathleen had sexual intercourse during this period, in a state where the age of consent is 18.
{{Honest}}
[[Chris]] has a warped view of '''sexual intercourse''' (a.k.a. '''hanky-panky'''), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and a sheltered upbringing. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on the HBO network around age 16. He describes pornographic films as "educational".<ref>[[Miyamoto Saga#Chris Sets the Record STRAIGHT]]</ref>


Quite conceivable, but let's face it, Chris is the same guy who thinks he can [[Semen|recycle]] his own [[Comeuppance|spooge]] by [[Fapcup|drinking it]]. It's difficult to put much stock in anything he says, even when it's plausible. He also doesn't think there is a world outside of [[Virginia]], so the concept that different states have different laws probably eludes him.
== Knowledge of sex and gender ==
[[Image:Thenightmarecontinues.jpg|thumb|Seven inches? Yeah, right.]]
In his mind, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful... sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate", a description he stole from ''[[Sailor Moon]]''.<ref>[[Mailbag 18#He might as well be talking about how to pilot the space shuttle|Mailbag 18]]</ref> In truth, Chris has never kissed a girl.<ref name="Jackie E-mails 2">[[Jackie E-mails 2]]</ref>


If, indeed, they were having sex and Kathleen was legally underage, the difference is small enough that most people would find no problem with it. But given Chris's views on [[Pedofork|"those dumb laws"]], it seems that he is more concerned with whether a thing is legal or not than whether it is socially acceptable. Remember, all that stops him from looking for [[Attraction sign|14-[his current age]]] girls is a dumb law.
What he knows about sex he's picked up from rudimentary [[Manchester High School|high-school]] [[Dating education|sex education]] or [[pornography]]. This has engendered many false beliefs in Chris which he sticks to religiously. Readers who brave [[Chris Sex Logs|his sex chat logs]] should be able to immediately notice what's going wrong — Chris's fantasies are merely recreations of what he's seen in porno movies, rather than plausible sexual experiences. For example, he believed that [[Kacey]] would get off to a brutal tit-fucking followed by load after load of semen to the face.<ref>[[Kacey Phone Call]]</ref>


Nonetheless, Chris pressed the issue by e-mailing Kathleen to inform her of his grudge against Jason.   
Other examples of Chris's crude misconceptions about sex abound. He mimics female porn stars' sex positions, spreads an imaginary vagina a yard across,<ref name="JR Eyes">[[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]]</ref> and thinks that electric shocks to the vagina are pleasurable.<ref name="Cums cat">[[CWC Cums for a Cat]]</ref>  He also seems to believe that a woman's vagina is higher up on the woman's body that it actually is;<ref>[http://www.sonichu.com/cwcki/File:SchuComicSP3P7.jpg]</ref> this is undoubtedly due to his experience with [[Kimmi]] and [[Officer Nasty]].  The "missionary cowgirl" position mentioned in [[Sonichu 8|''Sonichu'' #8]] is a contradiction in terms. He can't even get the most basic double entendres correct, wearing a "receiver's" terrible Mountain Dew parody shirt thinking it's an invitation for women to try and ride [[Duck|his broken penis]].<ref name="JR Eyes" /> He thinks that his [[virgin]]ity is a precious and sought-after treasure which women will come in droves to take (he even went so far as to use it as a bargaining chip to haggle with a prostitute), and believes that [[mass debating|masturbating]] ultimately makes him better at sex.


{{quotebox|Hello, Kat, I am Christian Chandler
Due to the combined threat of his somewhat [[Chris and English|slippery grip on language]] and his peculiar mindset on sex, Chris is noticeably confused about basic sexual terminology; for example, in [[Ivy Q&A#Threats|Ivy Q&A]] it's mentioned that Chris told Ivy that he had a "sticky dream" about her. When Ivy asked if he meant a wet dream, he replied, "No, that's when you pee yourself, silly!" While he may have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. He refuses to use familiar terms — either medical or slang — for sex organs, instead calling penises "[[duck]]s" and "[[pickle]]s", and vaginas and vulvae "[[china]]".


[[Chris and his ego|You may or may not know me]] (depending on how often you're on the internet, and if you've found me by reference or search), but I have something to tell you about your "cuddle-butt", Jason. He has been playing a Major Cog in the Slander Factory known as [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], and among all the innocent victims that the website has vandalized beyond the worst embarrassment known to mankind within their grasp, your [[Troll|bully]] of a boyfriend is the Original Author of the "Chris-chan" page that was put up there for the [[lulz|"LULZ"]], "Laughs Under Lucricities". Which I don't have to tell you is not only mean and cruel, the page is HORRIBLE.
According to [[Calling_Out#Calling_Out_Jack_Thaddius_-_Ahuviya|a video]] published in [[August 2011]], Chris enjoys female domination (going as far as to draw Sonichu and Rosechu performing the act in [[Sonichu 10]]). Given Chris's [[Virgin with rage|complete lack of sexual experience]], whether or not he actually knows what femdom is is anyone's guess.


Against me, that page has broken the closest thing I've had to a relationship with [[Megan Schroeder]], who I've finally had at her first time of saying with feeling, "I Love You" to me, then she found [[Rule 34|that page]] and she broke up with me. [[Heart level|It broke my heart]].
===Chris and gender===
Among his more generally skewed view of gender roles, Chris has a distinctly sexist outlook towards [[Women's rights|women]]. Based on his failed attempts at getting girls at the mall, he has concluded that all girls are [[Boyfriend-free girl|already paired up]], [[Homos|lesbians]], or distracted with shopping. The notion that they might have good reasons for spurning his advances does not occur to him. He can’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that women just might not be drawn to a [[Obesity|fat, dumpy]] [[Chris and Anger|psycho]], carrying an "[[attraction sign]]" and the unpleasant aroma of [[Dirty Crapped Briefs|feces]] mixed with [[Axe]].


Also, the chaos from the page broke up the buddy friendship between me and my buddy, [[Joshua Martinez]], who attended [[James Madison University|Special Ed]] classes with me during our childhood.
In [[Sonichu 9|''Sonichu'' #9]], he referred to women as another species. While at times it may seem as if women are from another planet, they are still classified as ''Homo sapiens'', just like manchildren.


And after the first time I found that page myself, I went into a spiral of [[Virgin with rage|rage]] against that machine, that with the break-ups and chaos, I became depressed and went into a forced-by-personal-emotions hiatus.
Chris has an interesting grasp of stereotypical gay and straight behavior, too, insisting he's straight even as he acts like a mincing crossdressing homosexual. This can be explained by his [[autism|lack of empathy or ability to pick up on social cues]], but given his reaction to being told he looks gay is to scream "NO I'M NOT!" and ignore anything else, it's unlikely he'll ever learn.


There are numerous other chaotic happenings that raged from the ED page, but I can't remember them all.
== Moral basis on sex and double standards ==
[[Image:DatingEducation.jpg|thumb|250px|69ing? Intercourse? ''Really''? In a ''children's'' comic? Because they should know all about this stuff.]]
{{quote|You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: but I say to you, that whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.|Matthew 5:27-28}}


Anyway, the point is, if it wasn't for your "Bully Next Door", I would not have to have had to endure the [[stress]], [[Curse-ye-ha-me-ha|emotional pains]], [[Blanca|break-ups]], [[Captain's Log, Stardate August 8th, 2008|self-torments]], etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!!!
Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is dictated by the Bible. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he ''hates'' [[homos]], but not hesitating to view lesbian porn and approve of it [[Mass Debating|masturbatorily]].<ref>[[CWC's Second Message]]</ref> This logic probably stems from an episode of ''[[Family Guy]]'' where one of Meg's friends states that lesbianism is a choice, while male homosexuality isn't. This comment was intended as a joke, but like most satire, it flew right over Chris's head. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he plans on losing his virginity on the [[Third date|third or fourth date]] with his true [[sweetheart]] (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). Well, guess that the whole “no sex till marriage thing” doesn’t matter that much now, does it? 


Who knows what he may have in mind against you in relation. While he may have started with me, or possibly any one or more of the victims on Encyclopedia Dramatica, who knows when he will do something similarly [[I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD|evil or worse]] against you.
The Bible also frowns upon [[Nudes|pornographers]], of which he is guilty and holds no visible [[remorse]]. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK.


Oh, BTW, in other states, it IS [[Chris and the Law|illegal]] for his 20-year old [[Pedofork|self]] to be Dating 17-year old [[Zapina Rosechu|you]].
Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is partially because he goes to [[Wesley Memorial|a very liberal church]], and any question about premarital sex is interpreted quite liberally by [[Rocky]].{{cite}} When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by [[troll]]s, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which is wrong by Christian doctrine.<ref>[[Mumble 8]]</ref> Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his [[Love Quest]].


My apologies for informing you and possibly causing emotional stress and rage, but I felt it was my duty to inform you before it was too late.
Chris seems to consider a female sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he ever held, he announced his desire to upload on the Internet a video of his first full sexual intercourse.<ref>[[ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#The Introduction Image Space is NOT Ad Space (CCS)]]</ref> After further prodding, he added that he would simply hide the camera, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public,<ref>[[Mailbag 31#In which Chris crosses yet another line]]</ref> showing that, for Chris, [[Women's rights|a woman is just a living, sentient sex-toy]], existing only to validate him as a heterosexual.


Peae,
==Chris in the act==
[[Image:JULAY-small.gif|frame|right|Christian professing his love for "[[Julie]]".]]
Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with [[Julie]], and the infamous [[sex tape]] with [[Kimmi]] shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes ''female'' positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. It seems that Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a [[homo]]).


Christian Weston Chandler."}}
However, it should be noted that in most of Chris's Rule 34 drawings the characters do tend to assume positions which are fitting for their gender, including Chris.<ref>For examples, see the [[Sonichu 8#The uncensored scenes|uncensored panels]] from Sonichu 8, [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack]], [[CWCRockin4Way.jpg]], the [[Giant Penis Comic]] and [[Jackie E-mails 14]].</ref> It might be that Chris adopts female positions not so much due to ignorance regarding sex, but more because of [[Tomgirl pictures|his identification with the opposite gender]].


Eventually, Chris would later discover that [[Joshua Martinez]] was trolling Chris all by himself. Megan severed ties with Chris over content on ED, but it was pictures of Megan that Chris himself uploaded to the site. Nonetheless, it appears that Chris schemed to take revenge by sabotaging Jason's relationship the same way he deluded himself into thinking Jason turned Megan against him.
Chris's view of cunnilingus, put on horrific display in [[For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV]], involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris.


Continuing his smear campaign against Jason, Chris depicted both him and Kathleen as villains in [[Sonichu 7|''Sonichu'' #7]]. Kathleen was dubbed "Jason's Woman Slave", and drawn with a strange BDSM costume (in [[Retroactive continuity in Sonichu|recent edits]] she is referred to instead as simply "Jason's Accomplice", bondage gear still intact). The pair would return in [[Sonichu 8|the following issue]], where Kathleen stood by and dispassionately witnessed Jason's confrontation with [[Sonichu (character)|Sonichu]] and [[Rosechu]].
In the leaked media, Chris displays that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (bent [[duck]], [[Obesity|fat ass]], lack of endurance) or psychological (performance anxiety, high expectations, intrusive [[homos|homoerotic]] thoughts, subconscious guilt about sex) in nature.


Like all of the characters Chris bases off real-life people and events, his embellishments say more about himself than the target of his "satire"  Refusing to believe that a minor would willingly engage in an "illegal" relationship with a "bully", so Chris depicts her as a slave, apparently forced to endure Jason's odious presence. Ironically, "Woman Slave" pretty much describes Chris's ideal [[Sweetheart]], since he expects his hypothetical girlfriend to own a home, be the breadwinner, and do the housework while he sits around playing video games and watching cartoons.
==Staying straight==
''See [[Homos#Fear of being a homo|Fear of being a homo]]''


Perhaps fearing legal retribution for using their real names in his comic, Chris has since edited the pages of ''Sonichu'' #7 and #8 to use only their first names. Their full names persisted on [[Sonichuandrosechu.com]] until its death, where Chris announces that "Jason Kendrick Howell and Kathleen Nicole Wallace will only be reffered to by ther FIRST NAMES ALONE."  [[Honor roll]], my ass.
==Is Chris asexual?==
Some autistics simply do not understand sexual attraction (for example, high-functioning autistic and [[Wikipedia:Hugbox|hugbox]] inventor Temple Grandin chooses to be celibate because she admits that she really does not understand sexual attraction and that she lacks the ability, as a consequence of her autism, to engage in a sexual relationship). This could explain some of Chris's views regarding sex and romance; he genuinely cannot understand the appeal of most sexual activity, aside from the fact he's seen people in the media do it and that he thinks that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a big boy.


At one point, Jason had broken up with Kathleen but they have since gotten back together and broke up again.
After he was introduced to the term by his Mailbag correspondents, Chris took to interpreting and using "asexual" as an insult. In his [[CWCipedia]] page on [[Damien Antaria (CWCipedia Page)|The Wallflower]], he referred to her as a "Got-Dang Asexual Woman!". He also became very offended when [[Jackie]] implied that he liked [[video games]] more than women, ranting that she should not label him as asexual (and misses her point completely).<ref name="Jackie E-mails 2" />


When Jason joined [[Vivian]] by providing his own voice for the [[Audiobooks]], he also made several episodes of commentary for the [[Official Videobooks]], where he confirmed that he and Kathleen had been broken up by the time of the comic's release. He also said that Kathleen never actually received the above letter, and that she was entirely unaware that Chris had even drawn her into the comic in the first place. In all likelihood, though, she's likely to be more upset at the autistic man-child drawing her in bondage gear than at her ex for picking on a guy on the Internet.
==Pedophilia==
{{main|Pedofork}}


==See also:==
==Bestiality==
{{Fan art}}
{{quote|I can imagine myself doing it with a [[Patti-chan|collie]] at least. you know, like Lassie.|Chris in [[IRC (27 December 2008)]]}}
*[[Jason Kendrick Howell]]
[[File:PattiLuv.jpg|thumb|[[Patti-chan|Run Patti!]]]]
*[[4-cent_garbage.com]]
[[File:Super-mode.jpg|thumb|left|90px|Chris, sporting a [[ECV 00002‎|homemade fursuit]].]]
*[[Zapina]]
*[[Facebook messages|Chris's Facebook messages]], which show Chris himself [[Pedofork|pursuing a 17-year-cute girl]]


{{People}}
In his [[Chris-chan Discusses...‎|interview with ScrewAttackEurope]], Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself by his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form. Technically, this isn't bestiality, as they're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals.
{{Sonichu}}
 
{{DEFAULTSORT:Wallace, Kathleen Nicole}}
Despite his statements against bestiality, Chris stated that he would be willing to have sex with a female dog (because he's not a homo) for [[PandaHalo]] and specified that he'd prefer a Collie.<ref>http://sonichu.com/cwcki/IRC_(27_December_2008)</ref>
[[Category: Villains]] [[Category: Real people who have appeared in Sonichu comics]]
 
[[Category: ED Saga]]
Chris also suggested that Brian from ''[[Family Guy]]'' be paired up with "any sexy breed" of dog.<ref>[http://archive.cogsdev.org/cwcipedia/index.php?title=Family_Guy#Story_of_the_CWC_Episode_for_.22Family_Guy.22 Family Guy Article on the CWCipedia]</ref>
 
In [[The Red-Maned Deer]], Chris recites a poem he wrote about having sex with a deer, but at the end of it states, "This was, in fact, NOT an act of bestiality. For you see, the Red-Maned Deer I have been communicating with and tracking, is really...my lo-my womanly sweetheart, named [[Jacklyn Romy]]."<ref>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLNUncC6Nm8&list=UUpZbAoE-X3DdRo0jxIQsMaw&index=6&feature=plpp_video</ref>
 
===Is Chris a furry?===
Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry is still debated.<ref>From [[Sarah May Skype Logs#Chris tries to leave|the Sarah May Skype Logs]]: [7:17:25] '''Sarah May''': Did you feel sexually aroused when you drew them? [7:17:34] '''Christopher C.W.C.''': a bit.</ref> There are some things that points in that direction. [[Chris-chan Sonichu]] is in many ways similar to a fursona. Chris has also used the character while cybering with [[Julie]].<ref name="Cums cat" /> Finally, in the [[Giant Penis Comic]], Chris and [[Ivy]] both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. However, it has been confirmed by [[Mimms]] and [[Lucas]] that Chris has prejudice against furries, not because of who they are, but because many furries tend to be [[homos]].<ref>[[Mimms and Lucas Q&A#Racism and homophobia]]</ref>
{{-}}
 
==Prostitution==
{{quote|"In my sarch [''sic''] on [[Wikipedia:Craigslist|Craigslist]], the ONLY women who left a phone number on their Ad were under "Adult Services", which they would have wanted money. I tried calling one, learned she wanted a hundred, then in the middle of telling my story about [[Jack]] and my [[PSN]] account recovery with a Sex video, she hung up on me. :("|Chris, wasting a prostitute's time{{cite}}}}
 
Given how badly Chris seems to want to lose his [[virgin]]ity, many observers have wondered why he hasn't long since spent some of his [[monthly tugboat]] on a prostitute. [[Mumble 4]], from [[February 2009]], answered that question for a while. There, Chris explained that paying for sex would render the act "meaningless," and he was afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.
 
Needs must as the devil drives, though. While being blackmailed by [[Jack Thaddeus]] in the summer of [[2009]], Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked [[PlayStation Network]] accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life to try and gain sympathy. He was genuinely shocked when she didn't offer to fuck him out of pity, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.
 
Previously, in [[March 2009]], [[Brian Bash]] had sent a trio of prostitutes to [[14 Branchland Court|Chris's house]] so he would no longer be a virgin with rage. [[Hooker incident|Hilarity ensued]].
 
By the beginning of [[2010]], Chris's views on prostitution had further softened. According to his [[Vivian Gee E-mails 2|conversations with Vivian Gee]], around the turn of the year he was attempting to save $100 out of his monthly budget to buy himself a whore for his 28th [[birthday]]. This, presumably, was the "hundred dollars for a damn hooker" he referred to when [["Damian Antaria", PLEASE, Don't Leave Me - I NEED YOU!!!|begging the Wallflower for sex]] on YouTube in [[March 2010]].
 
Between [[April 2010|April]] and [[July 2010]], under the name of [[Carlos Chantor]], Chris tried to offer himself up as a male escort. He described himself as "[[Chris and reality|Experienced for Her Pleasure]]", with an [[obesity|average]] body type.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 6]]</ref>
 
Later, under the guise of his troll persona [[JenkinsJinkies]], Chris attempted to acquire the contact details of the hookers Brian Bash had previously hired. While it is possible that Chris merely wished to make his disguise more convincing by implying that 14 year old Jenkins wished to hire prostitutes, it seems far more likely that Chris actually was considering hiring Brian's girls.
 
 
==Incest==
{{incomplete}}
 
[[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|Crystal]], his imaginary twin sister, appeared as a "girlfriend" card he made for ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh]]'', and her attractiveness and desirability are brought up several times in the [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']] comics well after being established as Chris's twin. Chris has shown complete ignorance in matters incestuous before; his [[Electric Hedgehog Pokémon]] are all related, but many of them are paired off with one-another, banging and some even [[Sonichu and Rosechu's Children|having kids]]. Being raised without siblings present, he has no experience with filial relationships, and [[autism]] ensures he has no inkling of what it entails. He didn't even know the word, let alone the concept, of "incest" until someone mentioned and explained it to him.<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref> He has trouble contemplating why incest is wrong when, to him, [[china]] is china. Only brother-brother incest is wrong because it is [[homosexual]] in nature. He doesn't understand why sister-sister incest would be bad, because it involves [[Gaybian|girl-on-girl]].
 
==Rape==
 
{{Protip|Despite your worst fears, Chris won't ever manage to rape anybody, so stop saying that.}}
 
Chris has a poor understanding of the effects of rape, starting from the [[Megan]] saga all the way to [[PandaHalo]]. Misguided trolls claim that Chris will one day try to rape someone due to his stalker tendencies. Due to his warped view of romance and [[Power|inability to pin someone down long enough]] to commit the act, it is highly unlikely that Chris will ever rape anyone.
 
Despite this reassurance, it's no less discomforting to know that despite whatever personal feelings he has on the act, he seems to have trouble understanding what non-consensual contact is. As evidenced in [[iPods Down and Listen Up]], he doesn't seem to realize that his improvised lyrics detail a sexual act that would almost certainly be construed by others as rape- the idea of letting his "prey" wear herself out before moving on her may not have registered to Chris as sounding wrong.
 
==See also==
*[[Homos]]
*[[Women's rights]]
*[[Semen]]
*[[Mass debating]]
*[[Duck]]
*[[Pickle]]
*[[Chris and his ego]]
*[[Chris Sex Logs]]
 
== Sources ==
<references/>
 
{{Chris and}}

Latest revision as of 12:33, 28 February 2012

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This article is rated M for Honest Content
It may contain content deemed not suitable for work. Reader discretion is advised.

Chris has a warped view of sexual intercourse (a.k.a. hanky-panky), mostly stemming from stunted sexual development and a sheltered upbringing. He first developed an understanding of sex from watching softcore porn on the HBO network around age 16. He describes pornographic films as "educational".[1]

Knowledge of sex and gender

Seven inches? Yeah, right.

In his mind, Chris has mastered all there is to know about sex, and now regards himself as a bit of a guru. He has said that kissing a woman is "magical and delightful... sweet and melting like ice cream or chocolate", a description he stole from Sailor Moon.[2] In truth, Chris has never kissed a girl.[3]

What he knows about sex he's picked up from rudimentary high-school sex education or pornography. This has engendered many false beliefs in Chris which he sticks to religiously. Readers who brave his sex chat logs should be able to immediately notice what's going wrong — Chris's fantasies are merely recreations of what he's seen in porno movies, rather than plausible sexual experiences. For example, he believed that Kacey would get off to a brutal tit-fucking followed by load after load of semen to the face.[4]

Other examples of Chris's crude misconceptions about sex abound. He mimics female porn stars' sex positions, spreads an imaginary vagina a yard across,[5] and thinks that electric shocks to the vagina are pleasurable.[6] He also seems to believe that a woman's vagina is higher up on the woman's body that it actually is;[7] this is undoubtedly due to his experience with Kimmi and Officer Nasty. The "missionary cowgirl" position mentioned in Sonichu #8 is a contradiction in terms. He can't even get the most basic double entendres correct, wearing a "receiver's" terrible Mountain Dew parody shirt thinking it's an invitation for women to try and ride his broken penis.[5] He thinks that his virginity is a precious and sought-after treasure which women will come in droves to take (he even went so far as to use it as a bargaining chip to haggle with a prostitute), and believes that masturbating ultimately makes him better at sex.

Due to the combined threat of his somewhat slippery grip on language and his peculiar mindset on sex, Chris is noticeably confused about basic sexual terminology; for example, in Ivy Q&A it's mentioned that Chris told Ivy that he had a "sticky dream" about her. When Ivy asked if he meant a wet dream, he replied, "No, that's when you pee yourself, silly!" While he may have the best of intentions, his word choices unwittingly present him in a very bad light. He refuses to use familiar terms — either medical or slang — for sex organs, instead calling penises "ducks" and "pickles", and vaginas and vulvae "china".

According to a video published in August 2011, Chris enjoys female domination (going as far as to draw Sonichu and Rosechu performing the act in Sonichu 10). Given Chris's complete lack of sexual experience, whether or not he actually knows what femdom is is anyone's guess.

Chris and gender

Among his more generally skewed view of gender roles, Chris has a distinctly sexist outlook towards women. Based on his failed attempts at getting girls at the mall, he has concluded that all girls are already paired up, lesbians, or distracted with shopping. The notion that they might have good reasons for spurning his advances does not occur to him. He can’t seem to acknowledge the possibility that women just might not be drawn to a fat, dumpy psycho, carrying an "attraction sign" and the unpleasant aroma of feces mixed with Axe.

In Sonichu #9, he referred to women as another species. While at times it may seem as if women are from another planet, they are still classified as Homo sapiens, just like manchildren.

Chris has an interesting grasp of stereotypical gay and straight behavior, too, insisting he's straight even as he acts like a mincing crossdressing homosexual. This can be explained by his lack of empathy or ability to pick up on social cues, but given his reaction to being told he looks gay is to scream "NO I'M NOT!" and ignore anything else, it's unlikely he'll ever learn.

Moral basis on sex and double standards

69ing? Intercourse? Really? In a children's comic? Because they should know all about this stuff.
“ You have heard that it was said by them of old time, You shall not commit adultery: but I say to you, that whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. ”
Matthew 5:27-28

Sex as viewed through Chris's eyes is dictated by the Bible. Chris is very strict on keeping to the word of God when homosexuality is the topic, vehemently stating that he hates homos, but not hesitating to view lesbian porn and approve of it masturbatorily.[8] This logic probably stems from an episode of Family Guy where one of Meg's friends states that lesbianism is a choice, while male homosexuality isn't. This comment was intended as a joke, but like most satire, it flew right over Chris's head. Another violation of his Christian morals is the fact that he plans on losing his virginity on the third or fourth date with his true sweetheart (read: first girl who will last three dates with Chris). Well, guess that the whole “no sex till marriage thing” doesn’t matter that much now, does it?

The Bible also frowns upon pornographers, of which he is guilty and holds no visible remorse. These double standards cause many trolls to despise him, seeing as he selectively chooses what to dogmatize and what is OK.

Despite people pointing out these contradictions, even quoting passages of the Bible, he will deny it. This is partially because he goes to a very liberal church, and any question about premarital sex is interpreted quite liberally by Rocky.[citation needed] When Chris asks Rocky about passages quoted to him by trolls, she only fuels his cafeteria Christianity by saying things like sex before marriage is okay as long as the couple is in love, which is wrong by Christian doctrine.[9] Chris picks and chooses what parts of Christian doctrine suit his own prejudices, and disregards the ones that would interfere with his Love Quest.

Chris seems to consider a female sexual partner as a rubber stamp over his (alleged) sexual orientation. Flying in the face of any moral system he ever held, he announced his desire to upload on the Internet a video of his first full sexual intercourse.[10] After further prodding, he added that he would simply hide the camera, record the event without her consent and blur her face before making the video public,[11] showing that, for Chris, a woman is just a living, sentient sex-toy, existing only to validate him as a heterosexual.

Chris in the act

Christian professing his love for "Julie".

Leaked tapes of Chris's audio sex with Julie, and the infamous sex tape with Kimmi shed light on Chris as he acts out on his fantasies. In particular, the sex tape shows how Chris assumes female positions, notably riding on top of Kimmi in a scene straight out of a porno. It seems that Chris's entirety of knowledge about sexual relationships stems from ignoring the men in pornography (due to fear of becoming a homo).

However, it should be noted that in most of Chris's Rule 34 drawings the characters do tend to assume positions which are fitting for their gender, including Chris.[12] It might be that Chris adopts female positions not so much due to ignorance regarding sex, but more because of his identification with the opposite gender.

Chris's view of cunnilingus, put on horrific display in For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV, involves slobbering all over a woman's vagina. Despite all his knowledge of porn, he fails to see how cunnilingus is more than just slobbering, but proper tongue action to stimulate the clitoris.

In the leaked media, Chris displays that he may have some issues with delayed orgasm. This can either be physiological (bent duck, fat ass, lack of endurance) or psychological (performance anxiety, high expectations, intrusive homoerotic thoughts, subconscious guilt about sex) in nature.

Staying straight

See Fear of being a homo

Is Chris asexual?

Some autistics simply do not understand sexual attraction (for example, high-functioning autistic and hugbox inventor Temple Grandin chooses to be celibate because she admits that she really does not understand sexual attraction and that she lacks the ability, as a consequence of her autism, to engage in a sexual relationship). This could explain some of Chris's views regarding sex and romance; he genuinely cannot understand the appeal of most sexual activity, aside from the fact he's seen people in the media do it and that he thinks that sex is a rite of passage to becoming a big boy.

After he was introduced to the term by his Mailbag correspondents, Chris took to interpreting and using "asexual" as an insult. In his CWCipedia page on The Wallflower, he referred to her as a "Got-Dang Asexual Woman!". He also became very offended when Jackie implied that he liked video games more than women, ranting that she should not label him as asexual (and misses her point completely).[3]

Pedophilia

Main article: Pedofork

Bestiality

“ I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie. ”
Chris in IRC (27 December 2008)
Run Patti!
Chris, sporting a homemade fursuit.

In his interview with ScrewAttackEurope, Chris says he's against bestiality, then hoists himself by his own petard by claiming that Sonichu & co. are not "half-humans" but "all-animals" with human form. Technically, this isn't bestiality, as they're animals having sex with each other, not humans having sex with animals.

Despite his statements against bestiality, Chris stated that he would be willing to have sex with a female dog (because he's not a homo) for PandaHalo and specified that he'd prefer a Collie.[13]

Chris also suggested that Brian from Family Guy be paired up with "any sexy breed" of dog.[14]

In The Red-Maned Deer, Chris recites a poem he wrote about having sex with a deer, but at the end of it states, "This was, in fact, NOT an act of bestiality. For you see, the Red-Maned Deer I have been communicating with and tracking, is really...my lo-my womanly sweetheart, named Jacklyn Romy."[15]

Is Chris a furry?

Whether or not Chris can actually be considered a furry is still debated.[16] There are some things that points in that direction. Chris-chan Sonichu is in many ways similar to a fursona. Chris has also used the character while cybering with Julie.[6] Finally, in the Giant Penis Comic, Chris and Ivy both morph into fursonas during the act of sex. However, it has been confirmed by Mimms and Lucas that Chris has prejudice against furries, not because of who they are, but because many furries tend to be homos.[17]

Prostitution

“ "In my sarch [sic] on Craigslist, the ONLY women who left a phone number on their Ad were under "Adult Services", which they would have wanted money. I tried calling one, learned she wanted a hundred, then in the middle of telling my story about Jack and my PSN account recovery with a Sex video, she hung up on me. :(" ”
Chris, wasting a prostitute's time[citation needed]

Given how badly Chris seems to want to lose his virginity, many observers have wondered why he hasn't long since spent some of his monthly tugboat on a prostitute. Mumble 4, from February 2009, answered that question for a while. There, Chris explained that paying for sex would render the act "meaningless," and he was afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Needs must as the devil drives, though. While being blackmailed by Jack Thaddeus in the summer of 2009, Chris attempted to solicit the services of a Craigslist prostitute to fuck on camera so he could recover his hacked PlayStation Network accounts. After describing his personal problems to the prostitute, she hung up on him. Chris was apparently trying to get free sex from the hooker with long, rambling stories about his horrible life to try and gain sympathy. He was genuinely shocked when she didn't offer to fuck him out of pity, unaware that prostitutes, by definition, only have sex with men for money.

Previously, in March 2009, Brian Bash had sent a trio of prostitutes to Chris's house so he would no longer be a virgin with rage. Hilarity ensued.

By the beginning of 2010, Chris's views on prostitution had further softened. According to his conversations with Vivian Gee, around the turn of the year he was attempting to save $100 out of his monthly budget to buy himself a whore for his 28th birthday. This, presumably, was the "hundred dollars for a damn hooker" he referred to when begging the Wallflower for sex on YouTube in March 2010.

Between April and July 2010, under the name of Carlos Chantor, Chris tried to offer himself up as a male escort. He described himself as "Experienced for Her Pleasure", with an average body type.[18]

Later, under the guise of his troll persona JenkinsJinkies, Chris attempted to acquire the contact details of the hookers Brian Bash had previously hired. While it is possible that Chris merely wished to make his disguise more convincing by implying that 14 year old Jenkins wished to hire prostitutes, it seems far more likely that Chris actually was considering hiring Brian's girls.


Incest

Stress.jpg

This article is still yet to be completed due to stress.

We get a lot of stressful torture in our lives that makes us crash into slumber. Given that inspiration is a big variable, and we may have been lacking of it, this article will be completed as soon as possible, at our own pace... HONEST!


Crystal, his imaginary twin sister, appeared as a "girlfriend" card he made for Yu-Gi-Oh, and her attractiveness and desirability are brought up several times in the Sonichu comics well after being established as Chris's twin. Chris has shown complete ignorance in matters incestuous before; his Electric Hedgehog Pokémon are all related, but many of them are paired off with one-another, banging and some even having kids. Being raised without siblings present, he has no experience with filial relationships, and autism ensures he has no inkling of what it entails. He didn't even know the word, let alone the concept, of "incest" until someone mentioned and explained it to him.[19] He has trouble contemplating why incest is wrong when, to him, china is china. Only brother-brother incest is wrong because it is homosexual in nature. He doesn't understand why sister-sister incest would be bad, because it involves girl-on-girl.

Rape

Protip.jpg
PROTIP:
Despite your worst fears, Chris won't ever manage to rape anybody, so stop saying that.

Chris has a poor understanding of the effects of rape, starting from the Megan saga all the way to PandaHalo. Misguided trolls claim that Chris will one day try to rape someone due to his stalker tendencies. Due to his warped view of romance and inability to pin someone down long enough to commit the act, it is highly unlikely that Chris will ever rape anyone.

Despite this reassurance, it's no less discomforting to know that despite whatever personal feelings he has on the act, he seems to have trouble understanding what non-consensual contact is. As evidenced in iPods Down and Listen Up, he doesn't seem to realize that his improvised lyrics detail a sexual act that would almost certainly be construed by others as rape- the idea of letting his "prey" wear herself out before moving on her may not have registered to Chris as sounding wrong.

See also

Sources

  1. ↑ Miyamoto Saga#Chris Sets the Record STRAIGHT
  2. ↑ Mailbag 18
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 Jackie E-mails 2
  4. ↑ Kacey Phone Call
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 For J-R's Eyes Only.MOV
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 CWC Cums for a Cat
  7. ↑ [1]
  8. ↑ CWC's Second Message
  9. ↑ Mumble 8
  10. ↑ ChrisChanSonichu and WikiSysop correspondence#The Introduction Image Space is NOT Ad Space (CCS)
  11. ↑ Mailbag 31#In which Chris crosses yet another line
  12. ↑ For examples, see the uncensored panels from Sonichu 8, Sonichu and Rosechu's Luv Shack, CWCRockin4Way.jpg, the Giant Penis Comic and Jackie E-mails 14.
  13. ↑ http://sonichu.com/cwcki/IRC_(27_December_2008)
  14. ↑ Family Guy Article on the CWCipedia
  15. ↑ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLNUncC6Nm8&list=UUpZbAoE-X3DdRo0jxIQsMaw&index=6&feature=plpp_video
  16. ↑ From the Sarah May Skype Logs: [7:17:25] Sarah May: Did you feel sexually aroused when you drew them? [7:17:34] Christopher C.W.C.: a bit.
  17. ↑ Mimms and Lucas Q&A#Racism and homophobia
  18. ↑ Jackie E-mails 6
  19. ↑ Mumble 1
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