User:Thepicklesuitintheman

I know I'm a tremendous faggot, but hear me out.

I'm going to be adding shit here every once in a while, maybe. I don't fucking know. I've got some shit I want to say about Chris that I don't know if anyone'll ever care about, but I think is important. I've gone through a lot of shit Chris has except I don't totally suck.

I'm "HFA." I was diagnosed when I was 15. I've been living with my parents for too fucking long. I lost my virginity about three weeks before I turned 28. I know it's kind of lame to say this kind of shit, but it appropriately characterizes the situation: I have a genius-level IQ, I could read at a college level when I was in elementary school, and I work the grill at McDonald's. I'm working with government and non-profit programs right now to do shit like move out get a job that doesn't make vagina's slam shut like that one part in that one movie Blazing Saddles when that big retard shoes up. Shit's not easy.

I've had to learn a lot. I've had to confront a lot of shit. I've basically had to systematically dismantle my whole way of life. I mean, how would you feel if you just up and realized one day that, to succeed, you had to take your pants off and, completely naked from the waist down, goose-step around like Hitler while sniffing the tire tracks in your drawers? And not only that, but that this whole time, how you feel about people who do that is other people feel about how you've been acting and what you've been wanting your whole life? It's hard and that's why Chris won't do it.

I have some marked advantages over Chris. I'm introspective as shit and at least somewhat nearly intellectually honest, so I can generally figure out what I did wrong in a situation after it happens. I daresay I'm more intelligent than he is. I have siblings. I'm also somewhat ripped, but that's beside the point. I just mean I've gone through some of what Chris has and succeeded. Maybe more people here than just me here have, I dunno.

I realize I'm probably not going to change m/any minds, but it's interesting to me to try to get what's the HONEST TRUTH out there. Which is a joke. Very little of what I believe and therefore very little of what I state, here or otherwise, I believe fundamentally. Some of it'll take more for me to say, "Oh, I was wrong about that," than other of it, but the vast majority of what I put here I want to discuss because most of what I say generally about Chris applies to me on some level, too, and I really want to get it right.

Random anecdotes from my idiotic, HFA youth the motivations of which I think explain at least some of Chris's behavior

When I was like 6, my dad quit his job as a cop and went back to school to be a computer technician. He graduated when I was like 9. An ice cream company where I lived didn't hire him, so we had to move. The first day of class in my new school, the teacher, without warning me, without asking me, without giving me a second's preparation, told everyone in the class to turn around and look at me while I told them about myself. I totally froze up. I couldn't even answer the questions she asked me. It wasn't my first or last experience with selective mutism, but it was my most memorable. One kid started making fun of me immediately after that. For the last few weeks of that school year and like half of the next, my HFA ass tried and failed to make any friends by annoying people with shit they didn't care about, which got me nowhere.

Moral: I blamed and hated the ice cream company and the kid for a long time. I venerated the town where I used to live for a long time, like if we hadn't moved from there, my life would've been great. I think Chris demonstrates an extreme version of this.

Chris really isn't all that remarkable.

Really, the only interesting thing about Chris is that he talks so fucking much on the Internet. You ever see Alien Resurrection? You remember the part where Ripley's clone is in the lab where she was grown and there are all the malformed, failed clones? You remember that one room of kids who all sat at the same table at lunch in high school? Yeah. Chris. Everywhere.

No one trolls Chris better than Chris, the truth hurts, give him enough rope and he'll hang himself, and some other such platitudes.

Some of the people on here seem to be impelled to make shit up about him. "Oh, he's gay, he's a pedophile, he's a sociopath." He's not. It's obvious that he's not. All of his behavior makes sense within the context of his autism, his isolate social life, his confusion, his stubbornness, his desperation, and his frustration. He has all this pent-up desire to connect with other people, but he has no idea what to say or how to say it. It's like trying to build a robot. There's a million wrong ways to build a robot and only a few right ways. There's a million wrong things to say or do in a social situation and only a few right ones.

I'm not saying people shouldn't say this shit to him or about him. One of the things he doesn't fucking get and one of the things that makes this actually funny and interesting is that virtually no one actually believes it because it's the Internet. The only thing people are going to judge him for are his bizarre fucking reactions. People give each other shit all the time and he's not special. But if you look in the Speculation, people sure sound like they believe it. "Don't believe the hype" is all I'm saying, I guess.

You're cooler than Chris and always will be

I think autism--Asperger's, HFA, whatever--is overdiagnosed. If you can work, if you can have friends, if you can get married, if you have a little difficulty when you're 9-23 but then things start to work out, I don't think... I mean... there's the theorized "broader autism phenotype". Frankly, "autism" has been kind of a buzzword for a while and I think a lot of psychiatrists were a little trigger happy when it comes to this shit. You don't have it. Your idiot friends don't have it. You're just fags. You just need to sit up straight, stop smoking so much pot, put down the 360 controller and talk to some girls. It's not easy. You're going to fuck up a few times, but eventually you'll find a slightly overweight girl with glasses who likes comics, too, and who's awkward about fucking, too. Eventually, you'll turn 30 and find yourself in middle management somewhere and crap out a couple kids.

Chris shits his pants and then tells openly antagonistic strangers about it.

Don't let the H and the F fool you as easily as it's fooled him: even though he can speak and he's not, in a medical sense, retarded, Chris will never lead a normal life. He will never and shouldn't be expected to stop drawing Sonichu or wasting his time on some such other stupid bullshit. He will never and should never be expected to live independently. He will never and should never be expected to be in a typical romantic relationship. He will never and should never be expected to hold a normal, adult conversation. It's just as stupid to hold him to these tasks as it is for him to try them in large part because they detract and distract from what little he can do. He can and should stay the fuck off the Internet forever. He can and should live in a group home. He can and should start a work program.

And he can and should be attacked and trolled and maligned and laughed at and given no quarter, don't get me wrong. But he should be all that not for not doing everything a slightly fucked up person should do but for not doing anything he can. Plus, it's hard for him as the fuck-up to initiate his own process. If he wouldn't fuck it up, he wouldn't need it. If this'll all ever amount to more than just a group of social retards getting each other off by ganging up on the one retard more retarded than them, somehow trolling might have some kind of positive impact on him in any way whatsoever or that he might learn a God-damned thing from experience. I know that's asking a lot. I know things don't really work that way. I know that's kind of a pipe dream. But God damn it, this is America.

Shit I think people should avoid

• Believing the hype

As above, y'know... whatever. Say whatever you want. It's a free country. If your friend's the first one to pass out, fine, write "I LOVE COCKS" and "INSERT PENIS HERE" with an arrow pointing to his mouth on his face in magic marker. Just don't turn around 360º and suddenly go "OH HE MUST REALLY LOVE COCKS LOOK WHAT'S ON HIS FACE WHAT A FAGGOT LOL."

What Chris can succeed in doing in the foreseeable future

• Working

Despite what his parents have inexplicably trolled him into thinking, Chris can, as of this writing, earn up to $1,000 a month without losing his Social Security benefits. He obviously needs to work somewhere where he has no fucking contact with the public at large and he will make the people around him uncomfortable, regardless, but I've worked in these kind of make-work packaging/manufacturing places with parolees, immigrants, retards and shit. One time I watched this guy all day drawing on a table. I went over there and looked at it and it was this retarded, like, Iron Maiden fantasy bullshit an 11-year-old would draw in 1985 of, like, a human head with cats eyes and fangs and under it it said "MY DEMON" in all caps, just like that. This shit is not uncommon. Chris's shit is not uncommon.

He had difficulty being corralled at PVCC, but I think with fellow retards and something he can actually do where he's not expected to give input like a functioning adult member of society, he might be okay.

What Chris'll need to do after his parents die

• Get living assistance somehow.

I volunteer at an assisted living facility. Not everyone is old. A lot of people are deaf-mutes. Some people are just injured. I don't see a lot of retards, but who knows?

It doesn't have to be a live-in place; there are just services, I'm saying.

Chris probably doesn't have any major mental health issues other than the autism.

Chris is many things. Chris is severly, though "high-functionally," autistic. Chris is lazy. Chris is ignorant. Chris is a coward. Chris is childish. Chris is desperate. Chris is functionally incapable of thinking critically about his own situation. Chris is surrounded by assholes who doubtlessly just want him out of their hair.

Chris obviously has some very strange ideas about the world and how it works, but (to be continued...)

If you give a shit about anything, go to an autism/Asperger's support group.

I went to another one of these useless pieces of shit the other day. It only reinforced my beliefs that:

1) The vast majority of HFAs are useless people with no sense of their place in the world and only want to suck each other off for being fuck-ups, and 2) There are a lot of Chrises out there.

So go. They're not going to check your papers. You don't have to say anything. Half the other people there won't be either. Good on you if you get up in the middle of one of their pretentious speeches about how no one but autistics can save the world because Einstein didn't like to wear socks and go, "NEUROTYPICAL'S A NEUROLOGICAL CONDITION TOO FUCK Y'ALL" and flip the bird, though.

Anyway, point being, the lessons we learn from Chris's idiotic behavior can be applied to more than just flogging him better. Maybe you're a little like him. Maybe you know someone a little like him. I honestly believe that applying what I learned following Chris, among other ED/4chan trolling endeavors, got me laid.

A theory about Chris and ripping shit off, etc.

This is basically a lengthy study of some examples of what we all already know: Chris sucks, he rips shit off badly, he's uncool, nobody likes him, he has no idea what's going on, yadda yadda yadda. But the hows and whys and the wherefores of all of this really interest me.

This grew out of something I was hoping to add to something Wwwwolf added recently to Chris and English:

[I]n Clyde and Tito PS3 E-mails, Chris keeps demanding "Legal, Unmark, Non-consecutive" bills to be mailed to him. He probably thinks it's the sort of thing people generally say when they want cash mailed to them, without realizing that he has picked this expression from crime fiction where that kind of phrases are said as part of ransom demands.

This is totally correct, of course, but I wanted to add a quick little blurb about why it's said and why it's wrong of Chris to try to use it. Maybe it's pretty obvious. Anyway, it turned out not to be such a quick blurb and I didn't want to derail the article.

If a large ransom—$10,000, say—is paid with $100 bills from a single, consecutive range of serial numbers—let's just pretend 00-99—or if some identifying mark is applied to them—maybe an iconographic pickle—it would be easy for the payer and the authorities to solicit help from cashiers and the general public to alert them when the anonymous criminal spends them by sending out a bulletin saying, y'know, "Look out for someone paying in $100 bills from the 00-99 series with a pickle on them." It's noteworthy when a customer drops a $100 bill or two at the corner store and the serial numbers and pickles could be traced back specifically to the ransom. This is something a formidable criminal would anticipate, and if he anticipated that, what else has he anticipated? How could he ever be caught? He might just get away with it!

The emotional tone of a scene when a kidnapper makes this demand is usually one where the person making the demand is in a position of strong advantage and the person the demand is being made of is hopeless and intimidated and must comply or face dire consequences. Of course, Chris, being Chris, totally ignores the facts of the context which actually cause the emotional tension of the scene and hyperfocuses on the literal words being spoken. He then expects them to hold the same weight as the entire scene regardless of their context, i.e. his having no bargaining power let alone position to make demands.

I think he does this a lot—perceive an emotional overtone in a part of a movie or TV show or song and expect it to have the same impact on other people regardless of of the context. This could be related to the things he's ripped off. For example, the opening of Sonichu Special 4 finds Chris "rushing at the maximum speed limit of 65 mph" to save Kacey from Liquid. He then shoots Liquid once in each leg, saying, "You'll live[.]" I think his saying "the maximum speed limit" is another example of his phrasing something retardedly idiosyncratically. I don't think he meant what we mean when we say "speed limit"; I think he meant "the limit of speed" or, specifically, "maximum velocity." These two elements—shooting someone in each leg to be merciful and saying, "[subject pronoun]'ll live," and the maximum speed a vehicle can travel being 65 mph—suggest to me that he was trying to rip off Terminator 2 and ape the emotional responses of the scene.

In a scene in Terminator 2, the T-800, John Connor, and Sarah Connor're running from the T-1000 after breaking Sarah Connor out of a maximum-security facility. They've stolen a battered pick-up truck and the T-1000 is chasing them in a much larger, more powerful semi. John Connor yells, "Faster! He's right on us!" the T-800 replies, "This is the vehicle's maximum velocity," and the frame shows the speedometer hovering around 65 mph. These is absurdly slow and is meant to add emotional tension to the scene and convey frustration and futility. "Of all the cars they could steal, they had the dumb luck to steal one that can go ONLY 65 MILES AN HOUR! OH MAN!"

Before they escape the facility, John Connor and the T-800 break in. A security guard confronts them at the gate, but, as John Connor had ordered the T-800 not to kill anyone and it, as a machine programmed to do so, must follow his orders to the best of its ability, it simply shoots the guard once in each leg, examines him, and states matter-of-factly, "He'll live." This is meant to convey information about the T-800's character and to be absurd and funny: the joke is that the T-800 took Connor overly literally and, being an unfeeling killing machine, took its best guess at what to do if not kill a guy, and did what no decent human being ever would: go way overboard and immobilize him by violently destroying his legs. This is supposed to contrast with the final scenes of the movie where the T-800 has learned enough about humans and developed enough as a character to say things like, "I know now why you cry, but it's something I can never do." It makes sense that these subtleties would be lost on Chris as things like humor and character development aren't things which he normally considers.

This behavior—not getting the point of something, copying it badly, and totally garbling the information it was supposed to convey—aren't unique to Chris. Just as an example off the top of my head, there're people out there who speak in faux Early Modern English with "thees" and "thous" when they make grand, stupid religious proclamations, ostensibly because they see it as more formal and authoritative because that's how it sounds in the King James Bible. Of course, that's just how people spoke at the time; "thee" and "thou" were very informal then, "you" was plural and much more formal. You'd refer to another person as "you" almost the way the Queen of England refers to herself as "we." The Bible wasn't written to sound idiosyncratic, hard to understand, old-fashioned, scary, stuffy: it's just a book—The Book, but a book nonetheless. Parts of it are meant to be scary, parts of it are meant to be authoritative, parts of it are meant to be funny.

This doesn't mean Chris doing it is any better or their doing it is any worse; it's just a fact: Chris does this, other people do it. What's striking about how Chris does it is that it's totally idiosyncratic. This makes sense given his diagnosis but also compounds the ill effects of the act. When virtually everyone believes something, no matter how stupid—the idea that Christopher Columbus somehow proved to anyone that the world was round by sailing to the east... then... returning from the east, from a part of the world none of them had ever been to and had no idea where it was, east, south, north or west of them, for example—not only is it less likely you'll be called out for it, but you've likely got two or three other guys there with you reminding everyone how much that makes sense. It doesn't have to be the best solution or make total sense, but you cut—or maybe tie—the Gordian Knot and you move forward.

So like I said, this is kind of a microscopic examination of a few examples of what we already know. But we all already know that if you have a cup and you set it on the table, the cup doesn't fall through the table or sort of fuse itself to the table or become part of the table somehow. There was a time when I was very young that I wondered why that is and I still kind of can't tell you, but I know a little about particle physics and EM fields and reactivity and stuff and I'm at least satisfied. I don't think Chris would be much more interesting to trained psychologists than the table and the cup would be to trained physicists because they work with people like him all the time. What's notable about Chris is his naive willingness to demonstrate to anyone and everyone publicly. I don't think there's anything to learn from him specially, but I, as an autistic, do think I've learned from following him and, importantly, from people's responses to him and their explicit reasoning for it.

How I think people should limit their speculation as to Chris's intents and why

It's a truism in weather forecasting that if you're tracking a weather pattern, the most reliable prediction to make is that the pattern's just going to stay the way it is. It's hard to take into account the combinations, splittings, attractions, repulsions, ups, downs, lefts, rights, backs, and forths of all the trillions of particles and charges and shit going on in there, so if the hurricane's moving up the east coast, chances are it's not going to up and hang a left and head straight into the continent. Even if it does, there's probably going to be a hell of a lot of energy coming from somewhere that made it do that.

If you think too hard about it, this really starts getting into Meaning-of-Life type shit like whether we have free will or not, but I think people are like that, too. Typically, the world's greatest rapist isn't going to be the world's greatest daycare provider and vice versa. You can probably articulate exactly what in their behavior tells you why. Which isn't to say people don't establish new patterns of behavior; that's what growing and learning is all about. It's just that if you want to Pedro Alonso Lopez to babysit your kid sister, you'd better have a pretty damned good reason.

I think Chris has established certain patterns that we shouldn't assume any major deviation from without good reason. Given some of what people've put in the Speculation, I'm not sure people would agree with all of these; there are some that go without saying, so I'm not going to bother with those.

He's not crazy.

Ha ha, just kidding, yes he is. But we already know what his deal is. The Autism Papers pretty much sums it up in my opinion. I'm not saying "The autism papers said it, therefore it has to be true!"; it's just that they were written by trained, ostensibly neutral, third-party professionals and everything in there holds today, with the addendum that he's just had that much longer to just wallow in it.

All of his behavior can be explained by varying combinations of his stubbornness, spitefulness toward people he sees as having wronged him, bad judgment in deciding who those people are, desperation, anxiety, inexperience, naivete, isolation, and autism.