CWCki:Operation Mailbag

PROTIP: I'm just kinda throwing them up there whenever. Love [ Clyde ]. Check the mailbags to see if it was posted!

PROTIP: Operation Knowledge is the superior project. Clyde Cash was here, Champthom is a loser!

Post your e-mails to Chris here. Please see CWCki talk:Operation Mailbag for Rules of Engagement and details. --Champthom 00:31, 29 November 2009 (CET)

From: Davros Skaledthal (fromskarowlove@aol.co.uk) Greetings, Mister Chandler. My name is Davros Skaledthal. I am a geneticist, and I have a few questions after reading the latest issue of Sonichu. I deeply enjoy your comic, and especially the portrayal of Cwcville as a utopia. Every man should have a place to call his own, don't you agree? First off, though, may I say how inspiring it is that you manage to make a high-quality page nearly every day. It must be incredibly taxing on you, but you seem to be coping admirably. Now, as to the questions. 1. You say that there is a 'gay gene' that can be cured. How exactly does this cure work, and which chromosome is said gay gene attached to? 2. As you have said in a previous mail post, you understand the basics of how evolution works. I'm not expecting you to discuss it at doctorate level of course, but as you know, a gene that is not used or is recessive does not transfer to the next generation. How then is the gay gene transmitted? Obviously every gay man or woman has two heterosexual parents, therefore the gay gene is not represented in either of them. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and I know this is asking rather much from you, so I apologize in advance, but would you please elaborate on each of these questions with at least one full sentence? If not, I completely understand. Genius must do as genius must. Thank you for your time, Mister Chandler. Eagerly awaiting your response, Davros Skaledthal

Number two should be rewritten; recessive genes definitely can be passed to the next generation, it just takes a copy from each parent for them to be expressed. Unless you just wanted Christ to show off his stupidity, in which case, carry on.
-Yeah, I want him to prove how little he really knows.

• My 2 cents - maybe split the Davros letter in two? a) It's long, and Chris has a short attention span; b) the second part is about Teh Gays, he will become stressed, and that may cause him not to answer the first part as well, or throw the letter in the Rejected bin. What do you think? --GokuGetEm 09:58, 22 December 2009 (CET)
  • Good point. I'll do that. Torchwood 19:26, 22 December 2009 (CET)

I've been thinking about either hitting him on his "I have magic powers" stance or his blatant Mary Sue solutions to everything in his comic. Which should I go for? Both would be quite juicy, just in different ways. EnsignDisposable 07:34, 21 December 2009 (CET) Better idea. Gotta hit him on "I'm enough of a hero."

From: Jacob N. (jacob_n333@yahoo.com) Good day, Chris! In mailbag 20 you responded to a question as to why you don't use your Wild Talents to fight crime by saying, essentially, that you've already done enough as a crimefighter and hero. I reflected on that statement, then reflected on your biography, and it came to my realization that there were three deeply wrong things about that statement. Firstly, no, no human being has ever done "enough" heroic deeds. True heroes are never content with what they have done save perhaps as they are dying and can do no more forever. Even then I can bet you they'd all love a few extra years to devote to the cause of good--or even a few seconds. If you fancy yourself a hero, saying "haven't I done enough?" is a great way to prove you're not. Secondly, I can't really think of any outright heroic things you've done. Mostly you've just gotten in trouble with the police and the dean of student services. You did help with McIntyre park, but that's not exactly an act of heroism. It's nice, sure, but if you are, as you claim to be, a Wild Talent, you could have the potential to do so very much more than that. Last: do you really think you have superhuman abilities? Why are you content with only using them selfishly against people who get in your way? Internet trolls aren't supervillains, they're just people who like annoying other people on the Internet. They're insignificant at best. If you really do have the power to lay debilitating curses on people, and all you've done so far is curse trolls and managers and policemen who get in your way, you're taking a phenomenally rare gift and squandering it utterly. I may be a major in English, but I am a minor in Parapsychology, the study of the arcane, and I can assure you that no Wild Talent with a gift such as yours should waste it. Even if there are limits to your power, any hero worth his salt would do his best to circumvent them. If you believe you have a Wild Talent, and you consider yourself a hero, it is your duty as a human being to stand up to corruption, social injustice, crime, and other ills that beset mankind. That is my position, at least, and it saddens my heart to hear someone with the potential for greatness waste it. It would be like finding Excalibur and only using it to warn ornery kids off of your lawn. I have no capital-T Talents; I have only my words. If my words can make the world greater, then I shall use my words to do so! If you have genuine supernatural ability, it would be an injustice to squander it. I beseech you to reconsider your position on the matter. Yours in the business of mankind, Jacob Nathaniel Lights-in-the-Sky, Bachelor of English

"As if I haven't acted enough of a Hero or crime-fighter already?"

From: Vlad Tepes (emperorface@gmail.net) Hello Christian Chandler. I am the next in line to rule my father's country of New Sacea, which shares borders with South America, he passed away last week and I am to be crowned Emperor soon. Unfortantely he was a victim of war us our government has a law stating the Emperor has to take place in any fights as a soldier. In our country Sonichu is heavily praised as one of the greatest works of fiction ever and a printed version is avalible in almost every New Sacean library. You are highly intelligent and by our scales even wiser than our greatest scholar, William The Sage. Perhaps, the same could be said of all Geinuses. We have made great technologic advances, much wealth, and many beatiful servant women, thus we are prepared to offer you a grand reward if you can help our people solve the following dilemma: We are a God-fearing nation that hates those damned homos with all our hearts. These abominations unto God are so evil, they steal men's souls and make them their slaves! Unfortauntely, our empire does not have access to the means of curing the "Homo Gene", so all we can do is prevent their wrong lifestyle from spreading. Thus we execute them on sight. However, our scholars are perplexed by the "Bi Gene" which gives one an interest in both genders, or in simplier terms they like both men AND women. You see... I was very unfortunate to become contaminated with the foul curse of bisexualness myself! It was not by my hand that I was given that evil gene of bisexualness: it was brought by some homos, who wished to pay me tribute... Oh how I rue that cruel day!.. If bisexuals do indeed count as homos I must take my own life and let my straight sister rule in my place. For the good of my Holy Motherland! But enough talk, Christian. Seeing as you are the smartest man in our kingdom's recorded history, maybe you can help me? Please tell me, Christian: should bisexuals be considered homos? Or are they just fine? What is a bisexual? A miserable little pile of evil homo genes? Or do they belong in this world? Am I a homo? Or a normal person? Please, Christian, save our people by giving us your great knowledge of sexuality and genetics. With much hope, Emperor Vlad Tepes The 3rd

I made two emails, one to question his opinions on bisexuals and one to find out just how bad of a strategist. In addition this will test to see if he even beat the game as he purchased 65 dollars of DLC for it, which would have been completely wasted had he not beaten it as you can only access the non-canon/dlc character during the end game. Also, to further test his stupidity, Almaz Von Adamite is a main character in Disgaea and Roy Mustang is a character from Fullmetal Alchemist who has never appeared in a Disgaea title. Seeing as Disgaea is a Strategy Game, I have my doubts as to whether or not Chris has even played the damn thing, let alone beat it. It amuses me greatly knowing he has less common sense than a turkey shoving things up his ass to make him look "too fat" for the hunters to kill.

From: Meg Griffin (meggriffin@quahog.com) Why don't you come down to Quahog? We got, like, an animation fest coming up! You could come participate, show off your Sonichu and stuff, and, uhh... meet with me ;) Meg Griffin.

From: "The Engineer" (beecave656@buildersleagueunited.com) Howdy, Mr. Christian Weston Chandler! Folks at work like to call me The Engineer, and I suppose that's what I got my PhD for. Now, normally I don't truck much with video games and comic books 'n all that, but some of my co-workers are into that sort of thing and they called to my attention a lil' ol' mystery that goes by C.W.C. Accordin' to your website you say you've got a degree in Computer Aided Drafting and Design, and that somehow you managed to take six years in gettin' it. Now, not to be hostile just yet but taking six years to get a CADD degree is a little like not learnin' how to tie your shoes until you're in high school, architecturally speakin'. Most people in your position would be whippin' out PhDs and doctorates in the time it took you to get situated in CADD and spending that much time in gettin' it seems just plain egregious. Now, I assume you got your reasons for taking that long, an' I trust that they're good reasons. Call it Southern hospitality. Nonetheless there's somethin' weird about this whole thing so let me just get a few questions offa my mind. Namely these questions are about that city you like to trump about, the one from your comic book, the one you call C-W-C-ville. You seem to think this city built outta Legos is real, you keep sayin' it's real when it's brought up, and yet you say, and I'm going to quote from you directly so there's no confusion as to why I'm confused, "the city and the mall Can Be Built and Dedicated." First of all, last I checked things that don't exist yet are fictional. I got a PhD in quantum physics too (those teleporters ain't buildin' themselves) so I know for damn sure that if your city ain't built yet it sure as hell ain't real. You seem'ta built a little C-W-C-ville out of Lego, but a city of Lego ain't a city of tens of thousands of people. So, I suppose the first question is, "why do you think just wishin' it were real makes it real?" Second of all I gotta wonder why you think an entire city built and named after a cartoonist is even vaguely possible. You're not talkin' something like Disneyland where a multi-billion-dollar megacorporation builds up a massive amusement park, you're talkin' about defictionalizing a city from a comic book, that is to say making it a real-live hundreds-of-thousands-of-people-big city. Named after you. A cartoonist. In my experience most cities get named after people who do things like win wars or kill a bunch of Indians. That means Question No. 2 is "why in the Good Lord's name would they build a city for a guy whose main contribution is drawin' a bunch of magic hedgehogs going on whimsical little magical hedgehog adventures?" Unless there's a bunch of won wars or dead Indians you ain't been mentionin'. Last of all, I just gotta ask--why ain't you usin' none of that CADD work in your comic? I mean, the stuff you show is all done up in Crayola marker and ball-point pen, it's hideous. It makes my engineer's soul hurt. You spend six years gettin' that CADD degree and yet for some reason the Good Lord seems fit to withhold from us, you do your design not-on-computer. Seems to bypass the "computer-aided" part of that degree. I hate to see a fine education bein' wasted. Anyhow, Chris, hate to bend you so harsh like that, but like I said, I'm a Texas man. We don't believe in holdin' back. Hope I got you some food for thought, and hope I can get a little clarifyin' on the subject. No hard feelin's, "The Engineer" --- Builders' League United Your first choice in discreet construction!

This is inspired by some Jim Lee art videos on YouTube. I wonder how Chris'll react if he sees these.

From: Jim Lee (REDACTED@REDACTED) Hi, Chris! This is Jim Lee! I'm a professional comic artist who's worked for DC, Marvel, and Image! Sorry about not including my email, but I'm a very busy man and I just barely have time to get in a few kind words for a budding young talent. Some of my friends have linked me comic pages you've done and I have to say you're doing extremely well for a kid your age! Most eight-year-olds don't have the focus for one comic's worth of material, let alone several hundred pages' worth! That shows a great deal of dedication! You've got a long way to go, but don't we all? I'm 45, I've been drawing comics professionally since I was 25, and I still feel like greatness is just ahead of me. I've won the Harvey Special Award and drew the best-selling comic issue in history, but I can't let that get to me. If I ever slow down or give in to temptation to slack off, I'll squander all the goowill and fandom I've got, and I can't let that happen. With a couple more decades under your belt, you can stand alongside the greats with pride. Just a few tips: 1) Get used to drawing your own characters. It's nice to draw for comics you love, but you've got to show you can create your own characters too. 2) Don't just imitate your favorite artists' style, try and find your own. 3) Draw from life, every day; draw every day, period! Last, don't forget to look up some really good book on how-to-draw; I recommend "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain," "Drawing Comics the Marvel Way!", and "Making Comics" by Scott McCloud. Those are great books and they'll teach you a lot about how the pros do it. Keep reaching for the dream, Chris! --Jim Lee

From: Stan 'Sonichu's Biggest Gay Fan' Mathers (myteasgonecold@didomail.com) Dear Chris, I wrote but you still ain't callin! I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom. I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not have got 'em... There probably was a problem with the hosting provider or something? Sometimes I type addresses too sloppy when I post 'em... But anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man, do you still "hate" us homos? My boyfriend wants us to adopt a kid, I'm about to be a gay father! If we adopt a daughter, guess what I'ma call her? I'ma name her Rosey! I read about your fan Ryan Cash, I'm sorry. I had a gay friend kill himself over some dude who didn't want him... I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your Biggest Gay Fan! I even watched that hilarious rap that you did for Parappa. I got a room full of home-made posters with your drawings, man. I like the shit you did with LBP, too, that shit was phat! Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your Biggest Gay Fan, This is Stan.

From: Stan 'Sonichu's Biggest Gay Fan' Mathers (myteasgonecold@didomail.com) Dear Chris, You still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance! I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans!!! If you didn't wanna reply to me outside your Mailbag, you didn't have to, but you coulda at least post a decent reply! You upset Matthew - that's my little brother man, he's only six years old! We waited in front of the computer screen for your reply, for hours, and you just wrote, "(INSERT WHAT CHRIS ANSWERS HERE)" That's pretty shitty, man - you're like his fucking idol, he wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to! Remember when we met in the Poke'mon League - you said if I'd write you you would write back? See, I'm just like you in a way: I never liked those straight JERKS neither, they just always cheat on girls and beat them! I can relate to what you're saying in your comics, so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and browse them all, cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed... I even got a tattoo with your name across the chest! Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds - it's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me See everything you draw about is real, and I respect you 'cos you tell it. My boyfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7, but he don't know you like I know you Chris, no one does! He don't know what it was like for "Homos" like us growin up! You gotta call me man, I'll be the Biggest Gay Fan you'll ever lose! Sincerely yours, Stan. P.S.: We should be together too <3

From: Stan 'Sonichu's Biggest Gay Fan' Mathers (myteasgonecold@didomail.com) Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Answer-My-Fans, This'll be the last message I ever send your ass! It's been (INSERT TIME INTERVAL HERE) and still no decent reply - I don't deserve it??? I know you got my last two letters, I typed the addresses on 'em perfect So this is my last letter I'm sending you, I hope you read it - I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway Hey Chris, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive? You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night", about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him??? That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning!!! Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy and all I wanted was a lousy reply or a call!!!!! I hope you know I ripped ALL of your drawings off the wall!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU CHRISSSSSSS we coulda been TOGEHTER THINK about it YOU RUINED IT now I hope you CAN'T SLEEP and you DREAM about it and when you DREAM I hope you CAN'T SLEEP and you SCREAM about it I hope your CONSCIENCE EATS AT YOU AND YOU CAN'T BREATHE WITHOUT ME SEE CHRIS SHUT UP BITCH!!!!!!! I'M TRYING TO FUCKING TYPE!!! Hey Chris that's my homo boyfriend screamin in the trunk but I didn't slit his throat I just tied him up see I ain't like you cause if he suffocates he'll suffer more and then he'll die too ... Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now :) Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit ou

^-- I chose to make "Stan" gay (er... gayer) because that raises the chance Chris won't answer the first letter, or will put it in a Rejected Mailbag, or will write a 3 words reply, or smth. along these lines. That would give me a chance to reenact the whole song. If you think I should better make him an Aspie to get that effect, say so, I'll change the letters. I suggest maybe the mods should post the letters in subsequent Mailbags, so that Chris won't forget "Stan". --GokuGetEm 13:12, 27 December 2009 (CET)

From: Dr. Clayton Forrester (deep13@gizmonic.org) Greetings, Chris! I'm currently conducting a very important experiment. However, I need the advice of someone who's very pop culture-savvy, and considering your numerous homages and parodies of movies, TV shows, and games, I thought you'd be perfect. I just need you to answer the following questions: 1. What are the worst movies you have ever seen? 2. What are the worst TV shows you have ever seen? 3. What are the worst video games you have ever played? Thanks for your time! -Dr. Clayton Forrester

From: Tor Go (iTaKeCaReOfThEpLaCe@manos.com) Hello, Chris. Can you help me with a problem? You see, at my workplace, there are a lot of beautiful women that I'd love to make my sweetheart, but my boss is such a cockblock (not to mention an egomaniac - he wants us to call him "the Master"!), and he won't let me go near them when he's around. Of course, he's done it with every single one of them, so he's a big hypocrite. Recently, we just hired a new woman I'm especially fond of, and I want to make it clear to the boss that I won't put up with his crap anymore by asking her out. However, I'm going to need your advice first. 1. We kind of got off on the wrong foot - I might have done a few things that creeped her and the rest of her family out (Oh, and the boss's dog attacked her poodle on my watch, but that wasn't my fault, I swear!). How can I make a better impression? 2. How soon in a relationship is it okay to touch her hair, shoulder, etc.? Do you think women like that? 3. What is the most romantic thing you can do with a woman? What's the most romantic think you have actually done with a woman? 4. My boss has been eyeing this woman's daughter lately, and, from what I've been hearing, he's going to hire her soon so he can get close to her over time, then start a relationship with her as soon as she's legal. I think that's creepy. What do you think? 5. Off-topic, but I was once in a movie that didn't do very well in theaters or with critics. Tell me, what do you think about critics? Do you think they're too mean, or just doing their jobs? Well, I have to go take care of the place while "the Master" is away. Thank you!

...yeah, I'm a dork. I should really lay off the MST3K for a while. Still, the first email may just confirm my suspicion that Chris has no taste, and likes every movie, show, or game he sees. --TheyCalledMeMad 21:21, 27 December 2009 (CET)