Sonichu's Edge

Chris wishes he was eating this instead

Sonichu's Edge (officially Sonichu's Edge.MP4) is a video uploaded on December 3rd, 2009, in which Chris goes "jogging". Based on the accompanying Captain's Log, he made this to show that he is "pumped up for pushing Sonichu out into merchandise." This video proves that Chris has no idea what "jogging" is. He is sprinting (for him) in this video, obviously missing the point of jogging (a slow, easy jog). Chris inserts obvious jump cuts at 1:30, 1:58, 2:25, 3:00, 3:22 and 3:42, where he's run out of breath and presumably needs a break due to how out of shape he is. The title is a not-too-subtle parody of the 3D platformer Mirror's Edge.

Once again, Chris confuses the acrobatic sport called "parkour" with the squeezable margarine called "Parkay". This may have something to do with him being an HFA fatass. He also confuses "light jogging" with "parkour" in general.

Video

Click to load content

Transcript

Hello there, fans! It's Christian Chandler here, live at the downtown mall, where for the Sonichu franchise and city of CWCville, and everything like that, I'm gonna do a Parkay from this point [camera spins around to show some sidewalks] all the way down to the garage—parking garage. [Camera spins back to Chris] Where, at the end, we will get a nice view of the tent-style theater that's down there where events are held. And for this viewing, the camera will be hung around my neck right about here. [Gestures to the Sonichu medallion] To get—see what I see from that point of view. And, also, uh, there may be one or two pauses where I have to catch my—my breath. Of course that's what you expect, even from the best runner.

[Jump cut. Camera is now apparently hanging around Chris's neck. Chris's hand comes into frame for a second for him to flash the Amnyfest Ring.]

Alright, here we go!

0:42-1:20 Chris begins running, relatively slowly. His path seems to be pretty erratic.

1:21-1:30 Chris enters a populated area. Though the jerky camera makes it difficult to see, several people seem to stop and stare at him. At 1:28, Chris's heavy breathing becomes audible.

1:31-1:44 First jump cut. For those keeping score, Chris stops to rest after 48 seconds of jogging. He continues though the shopping center, his hands occasionally coming into frame.

1:45-1:46 Chris goes in between some trees.

1:47-1:58 Chris's breathing starts becoming heavy again.

1:59-2:15 Second jump cut. Chris runs past a happy couple, and then runs down some stairs.

2:16-2:25 Chris passes by a large Christmas tree. Around 2:20, his movement begins to slow down considerably.

2:26-2:33 Third jump cut.

2:34-2:41 Relaxing guitar music fades in and out as Chris passes a band of street musicians.

2:42-2:54 Chris continues onwards.

2:55-3:00 Chris runs past a small bus.

3:01-3:16 Fourth Jump cut. Chris runs through some decorative trees.

3:17-3:21 Chris rounds a corner, and approaches an open door.

3:22-3:32 Fifth jump cut. Chris is now inside a building. He trudges up some stairs, clearly walking.

3:33-3:42 Chris passes someone going in the opposite direction. Chris continues upwards.

3:43-3:50 Sixth jump cut. Chris apparently reaches the 4th floor and exits a door into the blinding sunlight.

3:51-4:10 Chris is now on the top level of a parking structure. He runs across the parking area. Around 4:05 his breathing becomes very heavy. At 4:10, he reaches his destination. The camera shows a large tented area on the ground far below.

See? Amphitheater. [Camera spins around back to Chris, who flashes the peace sign] Thank you for your continued support!

See also

• Chris's Route as detailed by Google Maps
• What Chris is failing to imitate.