Difference between revisions of "Cole Smithey"

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{{Articleofthenow}}
i will break christians neck and lick the pus out of his taint...
 
{{quote|Let me know when that fuck [[Bob]] finally drops.|Cole<ref>[[:Image:Cole 07-07-24-3.PNG|24 July 2007 email #3]]</ref>}}
{{quote|I do not regret giving birth to Cole.|[[Barbara Chandler]]<ref>[[:Image:Cole_07-03-06-1.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 1]]</ref>}}
 
{{infobox
| title = Cole&nbsp;Smithey
| image = [[Image:Coles.jpg|250px|center]]
|header1  = Information
|label1  = Name
|data1    = Joseph Cole Smithey
|label2  = Also known as
|data2    = The Smartest Film Critic in the World<br>Coleslaw
|label3  = Date of Birth
|data3    = [[Pre-1980#1960s|24 July 1963]] (age {{Age|1963|7|24}})
|label5  = Gender
|data5    = Male
|label6  = Nationality
|data6    = [[United States|American]]
|label7  = [[Chris and race|Race]]
|data7    = White
|label8  = Spouse
|data8    = Katherine (2013-present)
|label11  = Father
|data11  = [[Ran Coleman Yeatts]] (alleged biological father)<br>[[Jack Dale Smithey]] (biological father, as claimed by Barb)<br>[[Jerry Harmon]] (stepfather)<br>[[Robert Chandler]] (stepfather)
|label12  = Mother
|data12  = [[Barbara Chandler]]
|label13  = Siblings
|data13  = [[Christian Weston Chandler]]
|label14  = Occupations
|data14  = Film critic<br>Musician
}}
 
'''Joseph Cole Smithey''' (born 24 July 1963)<ref>''[[:Image:046-ColeCDIn.jpg|A CD For Cole Smithey!]]''</ref> is [[Chris]]'s half-brother, [[Barbara Chandler|Barbara]]'s first son, and lone escapee of the [[14 Branchland Court|Casa De Chandler]]. Despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother, Cole leads a relatively normal life. [[Cole Smithey E-mails|Cole's emails to Chris]] revealed a lot of information about the Chandler family.
 
==Life==
 
===Childhood===
[[Image:RanColemanYeatts-WakeForestHowler1961.png|thumb|Cole's [[TRUE and HONEST]] biological father, Ran Coleman Yeatts, from the 1961 Wake Forest yearbook. Notice the physical similarity.]]
[[File:Cole Smithey's family tree.png|thumb|Cole's family tree]]
 
Cole grew up in Richmond, Virginia, near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.<ref>[[Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Retired life (0:16:59–0:24:22)]]</ref> As a child, Cole claims to have been physically and mentally abused by Barbara and his "stepfather" [[Jerry Harmon]] with punishments such as ass beatings, cold showers, and "bizarre scenarios".<ref name="email">[[:Image:Cole_07-03-06-2.PNG|6 March 2007 email, page 2]]</ref>
 
Barb insisted that Cole's biological father was [[Jack Dale Smithey]], to whom she claimed she was married, but records show she wasn't.<ref name="email" /> Cole believes his biological father to be [[Ran Coleman Yeatts]], who was introduced as a friend of the family and visited when Cole was a child.
 
Barb married Ran on 17 June 1961. They were legally separated on April 28, 1962.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/page-5#post-2009970</ref> She formally divorced him on 15 May 1963. Cole was born two months later.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/</ref>
 
<center><gallery>
File:1961 6 17 - Barb and Ran marriage license.jpeg|Barb and Ran's marriage license.
File:1963 5 15 - Barb, Ran divorce.jpeg|The divorce.
</gallery></center>
 
In his article [[Saturday Night Special]], Cole recounts his coming to age. This includes a particular event where Barbara fires a loaded gun at a steel door to ward off a burglar, the resulting ricochet of which almost striking young Cole in the head. These events have obviously had a lasting impression on him.
 
===Move to California===
Cole left home for California, attended San Diego State University from 1981–84, and earned degrees in Dramatic Art and Music. He also attended Hartnell College and San Francisco City College and took similar classes.<ref>http://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa</ref> While at college, he became the drummer for a Poway, California punk rock band called "The Rockin’ Dogs." The band lasted from 1981–85.<ref>[http://www.sandiegoreader.com/bands/rockin-dogs/ The Rockin' Dogs | San Diego Reader]</ref> By 1994, still in San Francisco, Cole was doing shows as "Cole Blooded," and had apparently shifted to the guitar.
 
===Present===
{{Squote|As the story goes, human boy Andy (voiced by John Morris) is off to [[Piedmont Virginia Community College|college]], and must finally put away [[Toys|childish things]] — something most boys do before junior high. [[Autism|Talk about arrested development]] — [[Attraction Sign|this kid isn't getting any dates]].|Cole in his infamous ''Toy Story 3'' review, quite clearly seeing Chris in Andy.<ref>[http://www.colesmithey.com/capsules/2010/06/toy-story-3.html Toy Story 3 - ColeSmithey.com]</ref>}}
Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.<ref>http://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/</ref> He was mentioned once in ''Time'' magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to ''Toy Story 3'', resulting in many Pixar fans crying out in disgust that a movie franchise that looked to be the only one with purely 100% ratings on RT was ruined by him and Armond White.<ref>http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/</ref> (Several years later, in an interview with Arthur Spatchcock, Chris stated that he disagreed with his brother's review even though he hadn't seen the film.)
 
Cole occasionally hosts [[eBay]] auctions for the winning bidder to spend a night with him drinking craft beer at his wife's bar and talking about film, proving that, despite one half-brother being a wannabe pretentious hipster douchebag and the other being a retarded manchild, they both share the same [[Chris and his Ego|bloated ego]].<ref>http://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/291052352033?hash=item43c4127221</ref>
 
Billing himself as "The Smartest Film Critic in the World" (a title that esteemed film critic [[Wikipedia:Roger Ebert|Roger Ebert]] once mocked<ref>http://www.colesmithey.com/filmblog/2009/04/my-dialogue-with-roger.html</ref>), Cole regularly posts his reviews to YouTube, but his videos have hilariously low view counts, rarely more than a few hundred per video and sometimes not even more than a few ''dozen'', even on reviews of well-known films. Whatever the reason, this means that, ironically, the various videos Chris posted to YouTube over the years were literally many thousands of times more popular than those of his theoretically more successful brother. It probably doesn't help matters that Cole Smithey's videos have low production values and negative reviews of well-received films. On a sidenote, he also considers ''Freddy Got Fingered'' (a film often considered to be either so-bad-it's-good, or even one of the worst of all time) [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JUuAhFVlk4 to be "Classic Cinema"].
 
{{Squote|''Wild Strawberries'' is a thematically abundant film that fluidly condenses a lifetime's worth of experience into succinct cinematic fragments under Ingmar Bergman's complex construction of abstract corollaries.|An example of Cole Smithey's obsession with big words<ref>http://www.colesmithey.com/capsules/2014/07/wild-strawberries.html</ref>|3=}}
 
By [[March 2007]], Cole was in a relationship with a woman named Katherine (no, not [[Catherine|her]]).<ref name="Email" /> This is most likely the same Katherine he married in [[March 2013]].<ref name="JohnKyleVid">[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aitxArbd0o John Kyle - Three Love Songs at Katherine and Cole's Wedding] (retrieved on 24 February 2014)</ref> Given that Cole mentioned an earlier wedding during his correspondance with Chris, it appears that Katherine is his second wife, unless the "wedding" in 2013 was actually a renewal of vows.<ref name="email" />
 
According to an article written by his friend, syndicated cartoonist [[Wikipedia:Ted Rall|Ted Rall]], Cole once came close to death from [[Wikipedia:Necrotizing fasciitis|necrotizing fasciitis]] after an ER nurse made a misdiagnosis,<ref>[http://www.japantimes.co.jp/opinion/2014/10/06/commentary/world-commentary/emergency-rooms-live-gunshot-wounds/#.VR7L5vnF-So]</ref> and believes that 2016 presidential candidate Bernie Sanders' rise can be attributed to the "failure of propaganda".<ref>[http://www.japantimes.co.jp/opinion/2016/01/22/commentary/world-commentary/sanders-rise-fueled-by-the-failure-of-propaganda/#.Vq1dJrIrI8o]</ref>
{{clear}}
 
Cole has co-hosted a free weekly podcast called LA GRANDE BOUFFE (THE BIG FEAST)<ref>https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/la-grande-bouffe-the-big-feast/id1120760479?mt=2</ref> since 23 April 2016.
 
In December 2017, Cole repeated his ''Toy Story'' trick by being the first critic to give ''[[Wikipedia:Lady Bird (film)|Lady Bird]]'' a negative review, ruining its perfect 100% from 196 previous reviewers. This led to another storm of criticism, and Cole added to the fire by admitting he deliberately spoiled the film's 100% score.<ref>[https://thenextweb.com/opinion/2017/12/14/film-critic-spoiled-lady-birds-perfect-rotten-tomatoes-score-basically-admits-hes-troll/]</ref>
 
==Relationship with Barbara and Bob==
[[File:Bobcomes home copy.jpg|thumb|left|250px|A likely summary for Bob and Cole's relationship.]]
[[Image:0467-CWC18th20.jpg|thumb|Cole smiles alongside [[Barbara]] on Chris's [[My big 18th party (story)|18th birthday]].]]
 
Cole was not on good terms with [[Bob]] or [[Barbara]]. According to Cole, Bob worked his "bitter influence" on Barbara to separate her from Cole. He has "never met a meaner or more reprehensible Republican cur than Bob Chandler."<ref name="email" /> In multiple emails to Chris, Cole asks to be informed when Bob dies so he can celebrate.<ref name="Email">[[Cole Smithey E-mails]]</ref>
 
Cole claims Barbara lied about the identity of Cole's biological father. Cole hired a private detective to find evidence contradicting her claims. It turns out Barbara was never married to [[Jack Dale Smithey]], Cole's alleged father, but rather to [[Ran Coleman Yeatts|Ran ''Cole''man Yeatts]]. In a leaked e-mail sent to [[Jackie]] on 14 May 2011, Chris wrote that Cole "has had mental problems since he hit his head on a bus, and has taken it out heavily on our mother." Some argue the story could be a lie Barbara told Chris to explain Cole's bitterness towards her while masking the issue that actually caused it.
 
Barbara visited Cole only once in 27 years, whereas Cole had made special effort to visit her several times. Cole's wife's family treats him more like family than his own. Chris has [[Message for John Kyle|complained]] that Cole is ignoring Barb's attempts to get in touch with him. It would seem that Cole has left his mother to her own devices.
 
{{clear}}
 
==Relationship with Chris==
[[Image:0468-CWC&JCS.jpg|thumb|300px|The half-brothers hold their hands the same way on Chris's [[My big 18th party (story)|18th birthday]].]]
[[File:Cole and Others Miis.png|thumb|right|300px|Cole (far right) as a [[Sonichu Amiibo|Mii]] in one of Chris's [[Super Smash Bros. Videos]], ''Family Needs to appreciate Family'']]
Ironically, for much of his life Cole has actually gotten along much better with Chris than with either Bob or Barb, and possibly better than with any of his other direct relatives. Then again, when you don't actually know ''who'' your paternal relatives are, you have to take what you can get.
 
Cole was not around when Chris was growing up. Being nineteen years older, he was in California making a life for himself. Cole said that Barbara and Bob neglected Chris for years with the [[abusive babysitter]], which suggests that he believes that Chris's muteness in early life was their fault. Chris visited Cole in California when he was about seven years old (1989), according to Barb.<ref>[[Rental House Tour#Time to go]]</ref> This is the only time Chris has been on an airplane<ref>[[Mumble 1]]</ref>, the only time he has been to the West Coast of the United States and one of the few times that he has left [[Virginia]].
 
For New Years' Day [[1998]] Chris gave Cole a [[Lego]] Band Stand and wished him a "Rocking New Year." However, in [[1999]] on a [[Spanish]] exercise, Chris described "Cole the Beedrill" as ''muy feo'' (very ugly), suggesting relations had strained, probably because of Barb (although he may also have referred to the aspect of the actual Pokémon species).<ref>[[Manchester High Leaks]]</ref> Nevertheless, Cole visited for Chris's [[My big 18th party (story)|18th birthday party]] in [[2000]]. Later in the same year, for Cole's 37th birthday, Chris made him ''A CD For Cole Smithey!'' Naturally, the present had little to do with Cole and everything to do with Chris, even featuring a picture of Chris on the cover.
 
The last time they set eyes on each other was around 2005 at a family Christmas party.<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 27]]</ref>
 
In [[July 2007]], Chris sent an e-mail asking for Cole's vote in the [[Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown|''PaRappa'' contest]]. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out the truth about his father from Barbara. The timing of this request was probably not a coincidence, as Ran Coleman Yeatts had died a month prior.<ref>[http://ssdi.rootsweb.ancestry.com/ United States Social Security Death Index]</ref> Chris did ask his mother about it, but she maintained her version of the story. Chris was more interested in the ''PaRappa'' contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is (though in Chris's defense, getting involved in an awkward quarrel about parentage is a pretty odd price for a simple upvote on a video.) This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris. To date, these remain the last known communications between the half-brothers as Cole probably distanced himself even further from Chris since only a couple of months later, [[The_GAMe_PLACe#The_GAMe_PLACe_Photograph|the GAMe PLACe photograph]] was posted onto 4chan, thus beginning Chris's infamy on the internet.
 
In recent years Chris has made numerous efforts to get in touch with Cole, to no avail. In [[October 2013]] he told his friend [[Rebeckah Bentley E-mails|Rebeckah]], "I have no confirmed or direct contact with him in NY; he doesn't respond to email, twitter feed, Facebook, YouTube, etcetera, either. So, I am most unable to reach him at all."<ref>[[Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Chris has scabies too]]</ref> On 22 [[June 2013]], Chris attempted to contact Cole via video. He recorded a message directed to John Kyle,<ref name="Message">[[Message for John Kyle]]</ref> Cole's brother-in-law, who sang at his wedding.<ref name="JohnKyleVid" /> Chris expressed anger at Cole for not inviting him and Barb to his wedding. In the same month, Chris tried to [[Twitter#29_June_2013|communicate with Cole]] on [[Twitter]], basically telling him to come back home so he could [[White_knights#Chris_cares_only_for_himself|dump his familial responsibilities on him]] and go on his [[Sweetheart Search]]. He also suggested that Cole had some mental/physical problems of his own ''(even talking down to him at one point)'' right before activating the "Playing for Sympathy" card, lamenting his time in jail.
 
In [[August 2015]], Chris [[August 2015 Facebook Posts#Please Take Care Of Barb So I Can Go Out And Have Sex With Hot Lesbians|tried yet again]] to reach out to Cole, this time through [[Facebook]], hoping that a flurry of hashtags would work their magic. In [[November 2015]] he returned to [[YouTube]] with a [[Family Needs to appreciate Family|video]] depiction of a battle in which Chris and his allies face off against Cole, [[David Alan Chandler|his other step-brother]], and his [[Carol Suzanne Chandler|step-sister]] in ''Super Smash Bros.''. "OUR Mother is Still Alive; I REALLY want you to make amends and get close, once again, to her before Her time runs out", he wrote in the description. The following day he arranged a [[Sonichu and Rosechu figure collection toy battle!|similar fight]] among his [[Amiibo]] figurines and angrily accused Cole of being possessed by the spirit of [[Count Graduon]]. He posted an image of his Cole Amiibo on Facebook. In this spat of postings Chris attempts to be appear concerned about Cole not being around for their mother's twilight years, thinly veiling his [[Monthly Tugboat|real concerns]].
 
Chris has two explanations for this falling-out with his half-brother, both fed to him by Barb. First, Cole has been entirely misled about Barb's character by the lies of other family members. "She is the opposite of what hate they filled Cole's head with", Chris asserts.<ref>[[Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Chris has scabies too]]</ref> Second, Cole's "mental problems" caused by his childhood injury mean that he has "taken it out heavily on our mother".<ref>[[Jackie E-mails 26]]</ref> "Lord Knows What Else goes on through his head", Chris has concluded, demonstrating that more than anything else, Cole is almost entirely unknown to Chris. For the most part, the main trait Chris seems to be aware of regarding his half-brother is that he has a career and makes a living. This, in traditional Chris fashion, means opportunity and progressively his attempts to reach out have more and more focused on Cole financially supporting Chris and Barb, returning Chris to the idyllic balance he enjoyed with Bob as the responsible man in the house.
 
[[File:Piss and burn fb.PNG|thumb|right|300px|Note in the picture it says "mother and [[Tomgirl|sister]]"]]
In [[June 2016]], Chris posted a Facebook rant about Cole alleging that he and his wife spend two thousand dollars a month on rent for an apartment in Carnegie Hall. Even though renting an apartment near Carnegie Hall can easily cost twice as much, this lack of research didn't stop Chris from depicting his half-brother as having money to [[Chris and hypocrisy|"piss and burn"]] while simultaneously [[Lego|begging]] [[Transformers|him]] [[PlayStation 4|for]] [[Chris and money|money]].
 
In May 2017, Chris mocked Cole on Twitter, stating [[Hypocrisy|"Oh my gosh, my half brother is suddenly begging for money now".]] Cole was asking his fans to pledge to him on Patreon,<ref>[https://youtube.com/watch?v=2SqUJhND-mY]</ref> suggesting he has also [[Financhu Crisis|hit rock bottom]]. Chris said he would pledge to him, but he still hasn't apologized or made up with Barb. Ironically, in screencaps obtained from [[Night Star]] by the [[Man in the Pickle Suit]], Chris would accidentally reveal the fact that he indeed tried to pledge to him but Cole had long since blocked him, making it clear once again that he really wanted nothing to do with his old life.<ref>https://kiwifarms.net/threads/night-star-delivers-christines-side-of-the-story.33062/</ref>
 
==Cole in the comics==
Throughout the original run of [[Sonichu (comic)|''Sonichu'']], Cole was only referenced in the [[CWCipedia]] profile for [[Rosechu]] as "Professor Cole", assumed to be a version of Cole Smithey, listed as the one who gave [[Kel]] the [[Wikipedia:Pichu|Pichu]] who would become Rosechu. Chris later marketed a custom Amiibo depicting Cole as a [[Jerkop]], seemingly foreshadowing his presence as a villain in the CWCville universe. It is not clear whether the original "Professor Cole" character is [[Retroactive continuity in Sonichu|still canon]].
 
Cole finally appears in [[Sonichu 12|''Sonichu'' #12]] as, indeed, a Jerkop, brainwashed by [[Count Graduon]]. [[Reldnahc]] uses Cole to "distract [Chris] with family" in order to get the drop on him. He is bizarrely depicted as a gray-haired, mustached old man with a trilby. Comic Chris immediately identifies him as his brother [[Chris and writing|despite Cole never appearing in the comic before]], made all the more confusing by the same battle also featuring Chris's imaginary [[Crystal Weston Chandler (sister)|sister]] and [[Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc|evil twin]].
 
==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
Image:0425-CwcvilleBandStand2.jpg|Chris's gift to Cole in [[1998]]
Image:045-ColeCD.jpg|''A CD For Cole Smithey!''
Image:046-ColeCDIn.jpg|As if Barbara had any involvement with the CD.
Image:Colesmithyrockingdogs.jpg|Cole playing drums.
File:ColePostcardB.jpg|Postcard Cole sent to Barbara in 1994.
File:ColePostcardA.jpg
File:Cole Amiibo.jpg|Cole as a [[Jerkop]].
File:26 June 2016 Cole Smithey drawing.jpeg
</gallery></center>
 
==Sources==
<references />
 
==External links==
* [http://www.colesmithey.com ColeSmithey.com]
* [http://www.rottentomatoes.com/author/author-3041/ Cole at Rotten Tomatoes]
* [http://www.youtube.com/user/colesmithey/ Cole's YouTube channel]
*[https://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa LinkedIn page]
{{Not_Jerks}}
{{People}}
{{DEFAULTSORT:Smithey, Cole}}
[[Category:Family Members]]

Revision as of 21:53, 8 March 2018

i will break christians neck and lick the pus out of his taint...

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