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Cole Smithey

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Let me know when that fuck Bob finally drops.
 

 

—Cole[1]

 
 
I do not regret giving birth to Cole.
 

 

Barbara Chandler[2]

Cole Smithey
Coles.jpg
Information
Name Joseph Cole Smithey
Also known as The Smartest Film Critic in the World
Coleslaw
Date of Birth 24 July 1963 (age 54)
Gender Male
Nationality American
Race White
Spouse Katherine (2013-present)
Father Ran Coleman Yeatts (alleged biological father)
Jack Dale Smithey (biological father, as claimed by Barb)
Jerry Harmon (stepfather)
Robert Chandler (stepfather)
Mother Barbara Chandler
Siblings Christian Weston Chandler
Occupations Film critic
Musician

Joseph Cole Smithey (born 24 July 1963)[3] is Chris's half-brother, Barbara's first son, and lone escapee of the Casa De Chandler. Despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother, Cole leads a relatively normal life. Cole's emails to Chris revealed a lot of information about the Chandler family.

Life

Childhood

Cole's TRUE and HONEST biological father, Ran Coleman Yeatts, from the 1961 Wake Forest yearbook. Notice the physical similarity.
Cole's family tree

Cole grew up in Richmond, Virginia, near Virginia Commonwealth University and West Avenue.[4] As a child, Cole claims to have been physically and mentally abused by Barbara and his "stepfather" Jerry Harmon with punishments such as ass beatings, cold showers, and "bizarre scenarios."[5]

Barb insisted that Cole's biological father was Jack Dale Smithey, to whom she claimed she was married, but records show she wasn't.[5] Cole believes his biological father to be Ran Coleman Yeatts, who was introduced as a friend of the family and visited when Cole was a child.

Barb married Ran on 17 June 1961. He deserted her at some point afterwards, probably around '62[6]. She formally divorced him on 15 May 1963. Cole was born two months later.[7]

In his article Saturday Night Special, Cole recounts his coming to age. This includes a particular event where Barbara fires a loaded gun at a steel door to ward off a burglar, the resulting ricochet of which almost striking young Cole in the head. These events have obviously had a lasting impression on him.

Move to California

Cole left home for California, attended San Diego State University from 1981–84, and earned degrees in Dramatic Art and Music. He also attended Hartnell College and San Francisco City College and took similar classes.[8] While at college, he became the drummer for a Poway, California punk rock band called "The Rockin’ Dogs." The band lasted from 1981–85.[9] By 1994, still in San Francisco, Cole was doing shows as "Cole Blooded," and had apparently shifted to the guitar.

Present

 
 
As the story goes, human boy Andy (voiced by John Morris) is off to college, and must finally put away childish things — something most boys do before junior high. Talk about arrested developmentthis kid isn't getting any dates.
 

 

—An oddly-fitting excerpt from Cole's infamous Toy Story 3 review.[10]


Cole currently lives in Manhattan and is a film critic who is featured on Rotten Tomatoes.[11] He was mentioned once in Time magazine for being one of the few critics to give a negative review to Toy Story 3, resulting in many Pixar fans crying out in disgust that a movie franchise that looked to be the only one with purely 100% ratings on RT was ruined by him and Armond White.[12] (Several years later, in an interview with Arthur Spatchcock, Chris stated that he disagreed with his brother's review even though he hadn't seen the film.)

Cole occasionally hosts eBay auctions for the winning bidder to spend a night with him drinking craft beer at his wife's bar and talking about film, proving that despite one half-brother being a wannabe pretentious, hipster douchebag and the other being a retarded manchild, they both share the same bloated ego.[13]

Billing himself as "The Smartest Film Critic in the World," (a title that esteemed film critic Roger Ebert once mocked[14]) Cole regularly posts his reviews to YouTube, but his videos have hilariously low view counts, rarely more than a few hundred per video and sometimes not even more than a few dozen, even on reviews of well-known films. Whatever the reason, this means that, ironically, the various videos Chris posted to YouTube over the years were literally many thousands of times more popular than those of his theoretically more successful brother. It probably doesn't help matters that Cole Smithey's videos have low production values and negative reviews of well-received films. On a sidenote, he also considers Freddy Got Fingered (a film often considered to be either so-bad-it's-good, or even one of the worst of all time) to be "Classic Cinema".


 
 
'Wild Strawberries' is a thematically abundant film that fluidly condenses a lifetime's worth of experience into succinct cinematic fragments under Ingmar Bergman's complex construction of abstract corollaries.
 

 

—An example of Cole Smithey's obsession with big words[15]


By March 2007, Cole was in a relationship with a woman named Katherine (no, not her).[16] This is most likely the same Katherine he married in March 2013.[17] Given that Cole mentioned an earlier wedding during his correspondance with Chris, it appears that Katherine is his second wife, unless the "wedding" in 2013 was actually a renewal of vows.[5]

According to an article written by his friend, syndicated cartoonist Ted Rall, Cole once came close to death from necrotizing fasciitis after an ER nurse made a misdiagnosis[18], and believes that 2016 presidential candidate Bernie Sanders' rise can be attributed to the "failure of propaganda."[19]

Cole has co-hosted a free weekly podcast called LA GRANDE BOUFFE (THE BIG FEAST)[20] since 23 April 2016.

Relationship with Barbara and Bob

A likely summary for Bob and Cole's relationship.
Cole smiles alongside Barbara on Chris's 18th birthday.

Cole was not on good terms with Bob or Barbara. According to Cole, Bob worked his "bitter influence" on Barbara to separate her from Cole. He has "never met a meaner or more reprehensible Republican cur than Bob Chandler."[5] In multiple emails to Chris, Cole asks to be informed when Bob dies so he can celebrate.[16]

Cole claims Barbara lied about the identity of Cole's biological father. Cole hired a private detective to find evidence contradicting her claims. It turns out Barbara was never married to Jack Dale Smithey, Cole's alleged father, but rather to Ran Coleman Yeatts. In a leaked e-mail sent to Jackie on 14 May 2011, Chris wrote that Cole "has had mental problems since he hit his head on a bus, and has taken it out heavily on our mother." Some argue the story could be a lie Barbara told Chris to explain Cole's bitterness towards her while masking the issue that actually caused it.

Barbara visited Cole only once in 27 years, whereas Cole had made special effort to visit her several times. Cole's wife's family treats him more like family than his own. Chris has complained that Cole is ignoring Barb's attempts to get in touch with him. It would seem that Cole has left his mother to her own devices.

Relationship with Chris

The half-brothers hold their hands the same way on Chris's 18th birthday.
Cole (far right) as a Mii in one of Chris's Super Smash Bros. Videos, Family Needs to appreciate Family

Ironically, for much of his life Cole has actually gotten along much better with Chris than with either Bob or Barb, and possibly better than with any of his other direct relatives. Then again, when you don't actually know who your paternal relatives are, you have to take what you can get.

Cole was not around when Chris was growing up. Being nineteen years older, he was in California making a life for himself. Cole said that Barbara and Bob neglected Chris for years with the abusive babysitter, which suggests that he believes that Chris's muteness in early life was their fault. Chris visited Cole in California when he was about seven years old (1989), according to Barb.[21] This is the only time Chris has been on an airplane[22], the only time he has been to the West Coast of the United States and one of the few times that he has left Virginia.

For New Years' Day 1998 Chris gave Cole a Lego Band Stand and wished him a "Rocking New Year." However, in 1999 on a Spanish exercise, Chris described "Cole the Beedrill" as muy feo (very ugly), suggesting relations had strained, probably because of Barb (although he may also have referred to the aspect of the actual Pokémon species).[23] Nevertheless, Cole visited for Chris's 18th birthday party in 2000. Later in the same year, for Cole's 37th birthday, Chris made him A CD For Cole Smithey! Naturally, the present had little to do with Cole and everything to do with Chris, even featuring a picture of Chris on the cover.

The last time they set eyes on each other was around 2005 at a family Christmas party.[24]

In July 2007, Chris sent an e-mail asking for Cole's vote in the PaRappa contest. In return, Cole asked Chris to find out the truth about his father from Barbara. The timing of this request was probably not a coincidence, as Ran Coleman Yeatts had died a month prior.[25] Chris did ask his mother about it, but she maintained her version of the story. Chris was more interested in the PaRappa contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is (though in Chris's defense, getting involved in an awkward quarrel about parentage is a pretty odd price for a simple upvote on a video.) This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris. To date, these remain the last known communications between the half-brothers as Cole probably distanced himself even further from Chris since only a couple of months later, the GAMe PLACe photograph was posted onto 4chan, thus beginning Chris's infamy on the internet.

In recent years Chris has made numerous efforts to get in touch with Cole, to no avail. In October 2013 he told his friend Rebeckah, "I have no confirmed or direct contact with him in NY; he doesn't respond to email, twitter feed, Facebook, YouTube, etcetera, either. So, I am most unable to reach him at all."[26] On 22 June 2013, Chris attempted to contact Cole via video. He recorded a message directed to John Kyle,[27] Cole's brother-in-law, who sang at his wedding.[17] Chris expressed anger at Cole for not inviting him and Barb to his wedding. In the same month, Chris tried to communicate with Cole on Twitter, basically telling him to come back home so he could dump his familial responsibilities on him and go on his Sweetheart Search. He also suggested that Cole had some mental/physical problems of his own (even talking down to him at one point) right before activating the "Playing for Sympathy" card, lamenting his time in jail.

In August 2015, Chris tried yet again to reach out to Cole, this time through Facebook, hoping that a flurry of hashtags would work their magic. In November 2015 he returned to YouTube with a video depiction of a battle in which Chris and his allies face off against Cole, his other step-brother, and his step-sister in Super Smash Bros. "OUR Mother is Still Alive; I REALLY want you to make amends and get close, once again, to her before Her time runs out," he wrote in the description. The following day he arranged a similar fight among his Amiibo figurines and angrily accused Cole of being possessed by the spirit of Count Graduon. He posted an image of his Cole Amiibo on Facebook. In this spat of postings Chris attempts to be appear concerned about Cole not being around for their mother's twilight years, thinly veiling his real concerns.

Chris has two explanations for this falling-out with his half-brother, both fed to him by Barb. First, Cole has been entirely misled about Barb's character by the lies of other family members. "She is the opposite of what hate they filled Cole's head with," Chris asserts.[28] Second, Cole's "mental problems" caused by his childhood injury mean that he has "taken it out heavily on our mother."[29] "Lord Knows What Else goes on through his head," Chris has concluded, demonstrating that more than anything else, Cole is almost entirely unknown to Chris. For the most part, the main trait Chris seems to be aware of regarding his half-brother is that he has a career and makes a living. This, in traditional Chris fashion, means opportunity and progressively his attempts to reach out have more and more focused on Cole financially supporting Chris and Barb, returning Chris to the idyllic balance he enjoyed with Bob as the responsible man in the house.

Note in the picture it says "mother and sister"

In June 2016, Chris posted a Facebook rant about Cole alleging that he and his wife spend two thousand dollars a month on rent for an apartment in Carnegie Hall. Even though renting an apartment near Carnegie Hall can easily cost twice as much, this lack of research didn't stop Chris from depicting his half-brother as having money to "piss and burn" while simultaneously begging him for money.

In May 2017, Chris mocked Cole on Twitter, stating "Oh my gosh, my half brother is suddenly begging for money now. Cole was asking his fans to pledge to him on Patreon[3], suggesting he has also hit rock bottom. Chris said he would pledge to him, but he still hasn't apologized or made up with Barb. Ironically, in screencaps obtained from Night Star by the Man in the Pickle Suit, Chris would accidentally reveal the fact that he indeed tried to pledge to him but Cole had long since blocked him, making it clear once again that he really wanted nothing to do with his old life.[30]

Cole in the comics

Throughout the original run of Sonichu, Cole was only referenced in the CWCipedia profile for Rosechu as "Professor Cole", assumed to be a version of Cole Smithey, listed as the one who gave Kel the Pichu who would become Rosechu. Chris later marketed a custom Amiibo depicting Cole as a Jerkop, seemingly forshadowing his presence as a villain in the CWCville universe. It is not clear whether the original "Professor Cole" character is still canon.

Cole finally appears in Sonichu #12 as, indeed, a Jerkop, brainwashed by Count Graduon. Reldnahc uses Cole to "distract [Chris] with family" in order to get the drop on him. He is bizarrely depicted as a gray-haired, mustached old man with a trilby. Comic Chris immediately identifies him as his brother despite Cole never appearing in the comic before, made all the more confusing by the same battle also featuring Chris's imaginary sister and evil twin.

Gallery

Sources

  1. 24 July 2007 email #3
  2. 6 March 2007 email, page 1
  3. A CD For Cole Smithey!
  4. Emily Date Conversation Transcript#Retired life (0:16:59–0:24:22)
  5. 5.0 5.1 5.2 5.3 6 March 2007 email, page 2
  6. https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/page-5#post-2009970
  7. https://kiwifarms.net/threads/interesting-info-about-chriss-family-particularly-their-parents.27521/
  8. http://www.linkedin.com/pub/cole-smithey/a/125/9aa
  9. The Rockin' Dogs | San Diego Reader
  10. Toy Story 3 - ColeSmithey.com
  11. http://www.rottentomatoes.com/critic/cole-smithey/
  12. http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/06/19/can-147-critics-be-wrong-meet-the-two-pundits-who-trashed-toy-story-3/
  13. http://www.ebay.com/itm/Drink-Craft-Beer-in-NYC-with-Film-Critic-Cole-Smithey-/291052352033?hash=item43c4127221
  14. http://www.colesmithey.com/filmblog/2009/04/my-dialogue-with-roger.html
  15. http://www.colesmithey.com/capsules/2014/07/wild-strawberries.html
  16. 16.0 16.1 Cole Smithey E-mails
  17. 17.0 17.1 John Kyle - Three Love Songs at Katherine and Cole's Wedding (retrieved on 24 February 2014)
  18. [1]
  19. [2]
  20. https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/la-grande-bouffe-the-big-feast/id1120760479?mt=2
  21. Rental House Tour#Time to go
  22. Mumble 1
  23. Manchester High Leaks
  24. Jackie E-mails 27
  25. United States Social Security Death Index
  26. Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Chris has scabies too
  27. Message for John Kyle
  28. Rebeckah Bentley E-mails#Chris has scabies too
  29. Jackie E-mails 26
  30. https://kiwifarms.net/threads/night-star-delivers-christines-side-of-the-story.33062/

External links

List of males Chris doesn't hate, according to Chris

I. Chris II. Bob Chandler III. Santa Clause IV. Jesus V. God

VI. The President of the United States:
Barack Obama (as of 2009)

VII. All the World Leaders:
Kim Jong UnMahmoud AhmadinejadManuel Noriega

VIII. ALL male acquaintances and friends, past and present:
Cole SmitheyDr. David Alan ChandlerJonathan CareyUncle Raymond
Joshua MartinezJoseph HerringWes IseliLucasMimmsRobert Simmons V (as of 2009)

List of males Chris doesn't hate, corrected for accuracy

I. Chris II. Bob Chandler III. Santa Clause IV. Jesus V. God VI. The Bear

VII. The former Presidents of the United States:
George W. BushBarack Obama

VIII. Select male acquaintances and friends, past and present:
Robert Simmons VKenneth Erwin EnglehardtWilliam Elliott Waterman

IX. Celebrities:
Jack BlackJerry SeinfeldRed SkeltonR.L. StineSeth MacFarlaneVarious comedians

X. Robots:
MegatronOptimus Prime

XI. Hedgehogs:
Sonic the HedgehogBionic the Hedgehog

XII. Electric Hedgehog Pokémon:
Sonichu (Ultra SonichuMetonic)
Wild SonichuPunchy SonichuMagi-ChanBlakeDJ JamstaBlazeBob SonichuMitch SonichuDarkbind Sonichu

XIII. Pornstars:
Bailey Jay

List of males Chris does hate

JERKS

Christian Weston Chandler's people

Chris himself: Chloe | Bill Riley | Junior Jenkins | Carlos Chantor | Stephanie Bustcakes | Night Star


Family:

At home: Bob Chandler | Barbara Chandler | Patti Chandler | The Chandler Cats | Clover and Snoopy

Others: Cole Smithey | Aunt Corrina | Minor Family Members | Daniel Weston | Anne Boleyn

Future: Lovely Weather | Crystal Weston Chandler | Reginald Chandler


Friends:

Sweethearts: Blanca Weiss | PandaHalo | Julie | Ivy | Kacey | Jackie | Catherine

Minor sweethearts: Lori Lopez | Hanna | Sarah Jackson | Emily | Vanessa Hudgens | Faeryn | Jessica Quinn

Sweethearts-to-be: Megan Schroeder | The Wallflower | DoopieDoOver

Gal-pals: Sarah Nicole Hammer | Laura Dorazio | Kellie Andes | Tiffany Gowen | Anna McLerran | Kim Wilson | Clare Porter

White knights: Robert Simmons V | Kenneth Erwin Englehardt | William Elliott Waterman

Others: Female fanbase | MLP voice actresses | Pokémon club friends | Rocky Shoemaker | Sam and Ellen | Virginia Jeanine Sanford


Trolls:

The Miscreants: Arjen Van Dierten | Bryan Bash | Clyde Cash | Jack Thaddeus | Jason Kendrick Howell | Joshua Martinez | Liquid Chris | Lordsillynipples | Man in the Pickle Suit | Sarah May | Surfshack Tito | Vivian Gee

The Asperpedia Four: Alec Benson Leary | Evan Christopher George | Mao Ling | Sean August Watley

Famous people: BILLY MAYS | Jay Z | Jimmy Hill | Reggie Fils-Aimé | Shigeru Miyamoto | Takashi Tezuka

Others: Arthur Spatchcock | Jeff/Francine | Johan | LadyOfTheCosmo | Thorg


Other enemies:

PVCC: Kene Meniru | Mary Lee Walsh

Jerkops: Bagget | Jerkhief

Manajerks: B-Manajerk | Kirby | "Lady" Manajerk | Michael Snyder | ScotPalazzo | Turdijerk | W-M-Manajerk | Yellow-Shirted Foe

The GAMe PLACe: Daniel Mimms | Lucas

Jerks: Joseph Herring | Wes Iseli

Others: Abusive babysitter | Adam Stackhouse | Bruce Johnson | Kathleen | Lulu.com executives | Omar Woodley | Pmurt | Rob Bell


Miscellaneous:

Actual people: A-Log | Barack Obama | Caitlin | DStecks | George W. Bush | Mia Hamm | Michael Hirtes | Ryan Cash

Inanimate objects: Kimmi | Naru | Officer Nasty