|“||Are you 6-years-old or somethin'?||”|
|Bob Chandler outsmarting a ween attempting to prank call Chris.|
|“||Don’t worry about those weens; you know you are safe around me and my Loves. 😊⚡️💙⚡️||”|
|Chris, attempting to persuade a fan weens won't hassle them at BronyCon.|
Weening or failtrolling is the act of attempting to troll someone, but ultimately failing at it the whole way through, and not receiving any significant results, typically due to inexperience with lolcow culture. The people that do this are often referred to as Weens. A corruption of the phrase "epic win", weens are wannabe trolls who attempt to recreate the antics of prominent trolls, without being aware that there was much manipulation behind the scenes to goad Chris into performing for the trolls, and therefore just embarrass themselves.[note 1]
Think we're exaggerating? Maybe some videos will help get the point across.
Examples of weening
- Elaborate trolling plans that end up failing.
- Falsely white-knighting Chris to befriend him and get whatever you want out of him. The CWCProtectSquad is a notorious example of this.
- Prank-calling Chris. Double dumbass points if it's just to yell "JULAAAY, JULAAAAAAY!", "IAN BRANDON ANDERSON/SOMETHING!", or other ancient memes.
- Prank takeaway deliveries under Chris' name and address. Not only is this just unfunny for anyone involved (on top of wasting both money and food), but numerous restaurants in Chris's area (namely Papa John's) have blacklisted his address precisely to prevent this.
- A-Logging. While not all weens are A-Logs and vice versa, the two often overlap. A-Log himself was as much of a ween as your average A-Log in numerous ways.
- Enabling Chris's fantastical beliefs. Chris's mind is already fucked up on its own merits, and people such as the Idea Guys have done more than enough in terms of mental damage on him. Once again, please note that although not all weens are enablers and vice versa, they tend to overlap.
- Making fake Facebook and Twitter profiles of people Chris follows.
- Spamming Chris's Facebook pages with random pictures of his old triggers to try and get a rise out of him; such as of pickles, homos or Sonic's redesign in Sonic Boom.
- Scathing e-mails, letters, or social media messages.
- Butting into conversations Chris is having with other people online, especially if he isn't doing anything particularly wrong at the moment (which is almost 99% of the time). This was sadly way too common with the DoopieDoOver saga.
- Attempting to contact people who once interacted with Chris but have since cut off all ties with him (Megan, Cole, the Wallflower, Mary Lee Walsh, Adam Stackhouse, Michael Snyder, etc.) and drag them back into the spotlight against their wishes.
- Terrible fanfiction that "wittily" deconstructs Sonichu as a saccharine dystopia. Sorry folks, but Asperchu, A Girl Who Brought Down the World, Sonichu: The Animated Series and CWCollateral not only all already did this, but have also milked the concept for everything it's worth; it's time to move on.
- Terrible fanfiction and fanart that focuses solely on murdering Sonichu characters, as seen in the picture below-right. Double dumbass points if focusing predominantly on the slaughter of Sonees and Roseys.
- Mass reporting in an attempt to get his social media accounts shut down.
- Terrible fanart of Sonichu that attempts to be wittily macabre by making it even more grotesque, gory, or perverse than it already was.
- Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where Christorians lurk, or even in places where most of the members don't even know about Chris. Either way, it's very annoying.
- Making frivolous or exaggerated claims of Chris's misconduct in feedback on sites like eBay or YouTube.
- Spoiling Chris's legitimate attempts at doing commissions and participating in contests or e-commerce.
- Sending Chris a glitter bomb.
- Sending letters for PewDiePie to Chris's address.
- Making terrible rap songs about Chris.
- Harassing bronies whose content Chris enjoys into blocking him on Twitter.
- Re-creating his Wikipedia page as a social experiment.
- Spamming his tweets with "Where's the comics?". He's not going to respond, so don't even try.
- It may be just plain sad to say, but even telling Chris to "get a job" has become ween lingo.
- Hacking into Chris's YouTube account to upload a video of someone screaming "JULAAAAY"!
- Sending letters to Chris while he's in jail to persuade him into saying or doing things while under the belief he is Jesus.
- Translating Ian Brandon Anderson into a writing system Chris doesn’t understand and telling him it’s a blessing in another language.
- Writing a fake letter, claiming it to be sent by Chris in an undisclosed location, and directing it towards another lolcow.
- Worst of all, breaking the law and needlessly risking a life-altering criminal record in pursuit of lulz. This includes, but is certainly not limited to; vandalizing or trespassing on Chris's property (which includes egging his house), illegally recording telephone conversations, stalking and harassment of him, his mother and the rest of their extended family, stealing from them, extortion, or threatening them with violence or even outright murder. We really shouldn't have to say it at this point, but for fuck's sake, DON'T DO ANY OF THIS.
What weening is NOT
As annoying and unhelpful weening is, the term has ended up being severely misused by much of the CWCsphere, to the point where some consider it to be any form of interaction at any point with Chris or the world relating to him and his antics. As such, it's important to keep in mind what actions are not considered the correct definition of the term:
- Casual observation and discussion of Chris and his circumstances, in places (such as this very wiki, or Kiwi Farms) where they are actually relevant to the topic at hand.
- Any trolling plan that actually succeeds to some extent; be it good or bad for Chris, original or cringey, et cetera.[note 2]
- Asking basic, repetitive Chris questions as a newbie. Regardless of if it's to do with recent events or those from the Classic Era and such, even the most devoted Christorians had to start somewhere.
- Coming up with speculative Christory based on past and ongoing events.
- Making fan media (art, fanfic, animations, cosplay, etc.) of the Sonichu series, so long as it's not excessively gory, perverse, grotesque or intentionally poorly-made, and you don't go out of your way to show it to Chris.
- Helping to document and provide information on developments and occurrences in Chris's life as they come. The same goes for any corrections and confirmations (with appropriate evidence) of ambiguous and/or unconfirmed information.
- Visiting public locations where Chris is well-known to have been or is otherwise associated with; such as the Charlottesville Fashion Square, Gearharts, The End Games or Piedmont Virginia Community College. Of course, this is so long as you don't try to failtroll or otherwise harass anyone for info on Chris. If you do visit these places, consider doing some good out of it as well by supporting them and the local community by donating to (if applicable) and/or purchasing from them.
- Visiting 14 Branchland Court, so long as it doesn't involve illegally trespassing or trying to harass Barb or anyone who resides there.
Arguments against trolling attempts
Now, we know what you're thinking. You're not one of those try-hard 13-year old boys who still think that screaming "JULAAAAAY!!!" or "IAN! BRANNON! SOMETHING!!!" at Chris, spamming his Twitter with pickles, or making and sending him parody comics is the height of wit. You've come up with a great plan to really get under Chris's skin, bring back the good old days and all that shit. However,
while you may in fact be that guy, 99.9% of the time, you should just shitcan your trolling plans and move on with your life.
Why, you ask?
The Chris of today is nothing like his former self
Chris has gone a long way since his internet debut on the Something Awful Forums. He has gone from a simple-minded man with child-like tendencies that made a bunch of comics which are so bad they're fascinating, to a jaded, chronically-depressed and mentally-disturbed hippie that’s formed a small doomsday cult around said comics.
It is important to note that Chris, although still very gullible and severely detached from reality, is (debatably) still a thinking person. Whatever gets him riled up nowadays ultimately depends on the time and situation. Therefore, a lot of the commonly associated triggers he may or may not have had some time ago will not necessarily transfer over to the present day.
It should also be noted that, because of this change in perspective, trolling hits differently in this day and age than it did before Chris lost his father; which is incidentally the point where most of Chris's most famous trolls opted to leave him alone. The general culture around Chris-Chan himself has changed significantly as well; while past trolls like Clyde Cash and Liquid Chris were praised for a time, and are still fondly remembered and respected by those who don't see them as being as bad as Chris, the days of trolling Chris as the heteronormative, egoistical manchild have faded to trolling Chris as a mentally-ill, self-destructive, broken shell of a human being. The only people to really succeed in gaining infamy comparable to the trolls of the Classic Era – such as the Idea Guys, Jacob Sockness and Isabella Loretta Janke – are subsequently derided as the perverted, exploitative abusers that they are, rather than treated as internet legends.
The irony in all of this is that most trolling attempts no longer phase Chris at all. And those that do somehow succeed are only viewed as further support for his cult. Therefore, you should never expect to be one of the cool kids just by failtrolling Chris. Times have changed, so it’s best to move onto better targets. This leads us into the next point.
There are much better targets than Chris
If you're willing to put that much effort into trolling Chris, why not make yourself useful and apply that same effort to going after better victims? As much as the CWCki analyses and discusses in detail his numerous odd behaviors and personality flaws, Chris doesn't even come close to the bottom of the barrel of internet scumbags. Neo-nazis and other hate groups, social justice warriors, abusive lovers and parents, scam artists, pedophiles and ephebophiles, corrupt politicians and corporations, religious zealots, zoophiles and other animal abusers, hackers, script kiddies and malware writers/distributers, gang members, terrorists and their online recruiters, A-Logs, Enablers, Carpetbaggers, and many other assorted shitbirds are much, much more deserving of concentrated trolling than Chris will ever be.
Even if you don't give a shit who the trollbait is as long as you get Laughs Under Lucricities, the Chris of today just isn't as amenable to trolling as he used to be; as discussed beforehand. The amount of effort you would need to put into navigating around his paranoia and autistic sensibilities would be staggering to say the least. And even if you do manage to bypass these obstacles, what is there left to do to him? Anything amusing about him has already been exhausted, except the shit he does on his own initiative, also discussed further below. All that is left of him at this point is a withered husk of a lolcow; as much as you may try to milk it, you'll be hard-pressed not to get only cobwebs, dust and shrivelled dead insects in return. With that in mind, you may as well just spend your time on another lolcow who hasn't been inured to years of deceit and humiliation.
For most aspiring trolls, the only reason to pick Chris over any other Internet jackass is because he's relatively well-known even today, and you have a ready-made audience available to appreciate your efforts. But that's just you being lazy, not some trolling mastermind.
The Chris of today is not (quite) as gullible as he used to be
Granted, almost no one on Earth is as naïve as Chris was in 2007. However, since then Chris has gradually learned that when he's contacted by people claiming to be Shigeru Miyamoto, Batman, Vanessa Hudgens, someone from his past, or even his own relatives, chances are he's just being trolled. In fact, the naivety of the younger Chris has been swapped for an extreme distrust of anyone who tries to contact him, to the extent where he's even turned down legitimate attempts to get in touch by people he actually knew at high school or college.
This hasn't been helped at all by weens; according to seinor trolls, Chris was once contacted by 10 people claiming to be Megan at the same time, all of them claiming to be the TRUE and HONEST Megan and telling him not to believe the others.
Chris also vets those who try to bait him with fake social media accounts of people he follows. Weens tried this during the Doopie saga, only for Chris to embarrass them by thoroughly debunking their claims, complete with evidence.
As of today, Chris simply doesn’t care about whatever hackneyed, inane scheme you’ve come up with for him. Even the most persistent attempts at bribery don’t seem to affect him as much as they used to.
Your idea is probably not original
Whatever your scheme is, it's probably been done before, and most likely better. It's pretty much impossible to top getting Chris to believe that the President of Nintendo was interested in his work, or that there was a DANG, DIRTY IMPOSTER whom everyone else thought was the real Chris and stealing his richly deserved fame, or convincing Chris to destroy his own life upgrade on-camera in an attempt to claim a $9,001 bounty that never actually existed, or even simply pulling some strings to have Chris's father walk in on him masturbating. By and large, most modern trolling plans tend to be some incredibly minor variation on something that's already been done; like for example, "what if we got his high school ring?" or "what if we got him to see another parody of his comic?". In short, you're wasting your time trying to rehash older trolling events, because we've all seen it before. More importantly, so has Chris; so from experience, he very likely knows where you're going with it, too.
Weenery discourages Chris from producing content
Chris is at his most productive when he believes he has lots of fans and everyone, barring a few trolls here and there, loves him. Most agree that weenery is detrimental to this strange, symbiotic relationship, and it is considered to be one of the predominant causes of the slump in content between 2011 and 2014. In that time, Chris entered a hiatus as a result of a combination of mourning for his then-recently deceased father, and a constant stream of weenery over the years that made him think of himself as a victim who wouldn't be able to do anything without being harassed. As a result, he became far more private, meaning barely any content for us. Only four years after 2011 did he re-emerge from this hiatus.
It is also worth mentioning that Chris produces much better content when left to his own devices. Since his semi-retreat from the public eye after his father's death and before he was jailed for incest, Chris has been prosecuted twice, concocted outlandish conspiracy theories centered on someone he hasn't spoken to for years, accidentally set fire to his house, eventually continued working on the previously-unfinished Sonichu #11 again, and sliced his own taint open with a knife as part of a hair-brained attempt to grow his own china; all of this without any impetus from the trolls. Likewise, let's not forget the entire Mary Lee Walsh saga (along with at least two different independent blogs of Chris' bizarre mannerisms and behaviors) happened before he even rose to fame. Don't try and rush the master of America's favorite game.
If you fail hard enough, you will become a target for trolls yourself
Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto is the textbook example of trolling backfiring on the would-be troll, and it's important to remember that he would never have attracted the attention of the internet if he had simply toned down the vitriol enough to make it less obvious that he was absolutely obsessed with Chris. It was thereafter a fairly obvious leap in intuition to assume that someone with that level of hysteria and monomania over someone they had never even met would have had some skeletons in their own closet; and as it turns out, A-Log had more than a few. These included homemade yiff fanfiction featuring a tellingly moderately-endowed fox OC, a huge cache of disturbing cartoon Rule 34 (a noticeable portion of which included underage characters), a laughably-poor college radio show from which he almost got fired after being caught watching pornography in the studio, and a video where A-Log does an excruciatingly unfunny stand-up "comedy" bit, revolving almost entirely around attacking Chris and what the radio was playing at the time; all before a crowd who, judging by their reaction, had never even heard of Chris.
Another more recent example of the same thing happening to a ween is the case of Michael Hirtes. After a myriad of sockpuppet accounts, spam messages to Chris and anyone he conversed with numbering in the thousands (mostly consisting of outdated memes and ad hominem attacks) and enough angry rants for him to also be described as being truly obsessed with Chris, it naturally led to some digging. Sure enough, Hirtes was revealed to be an unemployed furry who is even older at 53 years old, even less mature and more prone to tard rage than Chris, and having a number of highly-embarrassing things to his name; including criminal convictions and a newspaper article of him in a fursuit discussing yiffing. Consequently, he became a huge laughing stock overnight; not only turning into a lolcow himself, but it even got to be the point where Chris himself dismissed Hirtes, and by extension everything he'd done, as an irrelevance.
By the same token, obsessive and excessive weenery is dangerously likely to get you noticed by other trolls; who will, in turn, start trolling you because of that and anything else they notice about you, hoisting you on your own petard. In other words, it's akin to plugging in a huge neon sign pointing the trolls straight to your collection of Goku x Anne Frank slash fiction and boy band shrines.
Even successful trolls can become targets: after several months manipulating Chris, the Idea Guys had their real-world identities exposed in the first half of 2018. Between October 2017 and March 2020, Kiwi Farms officially encouraged users to dox weens as a deterrent. Several would-be weens have been foiled this way, and the effects have possibly spread into their real lives. Chris himself has also carelessly exposed those who try to interact with him while remaining anonymous. Remember, there is an energetic community devoted to recording every facet of Chris's life and interactions. You will be noticed, and as covered in more detail below; the attention you'll end up receiving will likely be the undesirable kind, even if you do somehow catch Chris's attention.
Even if you do succeed, you will likely regret it later
|“||Chris-Chan is — he’s an enigma which to so many people — they thought he was a troll. Because they’re like, “there’s no way this motherfucker is real”, because he’s like, the saddest human being ever. And it’s SAD because it’s like… I spent four years of my life fucking with him, and people are like, “bring it back!”. And I’m like, “NO! LET IT DIE”. It’s like, depressing — it’s not the golden age — it’s the depressing age.||”|
|Spazkid, on the unwanted attention he receives from weens to this day.|
|“||There's been tons of things in my life I've regretted and hated doing later on, all of the stuff from 10 years ago was one of them. I've moved past everything that happened those many years ago and obviously I'm a different person now. It wasn't funny and was a very a-log thing to do. Nothing much else I can say.||”|
|BlueSpike, reflecting on his time since the Julie Saga.|
All too often, trolls that do somehow manage to succeed in extracting lulz from Chris end up getting more than they bargained for. For example, Spazkid stopped making Sonichu the Animated Series when he began to pity Chris and realized he wasn't worth trolling (on top of a lot of unseen drama involved with the series' writers and voice actors), but still regularly finds himself, as seen above, hounded by obsessive weens and A-Logs to keep making it against his wishes. Liquid Chris may have to spend a long time fending off accusations from people outside of the Chris-Chan bubble of tormenting an emotionally vulnerable autistic man for his own amusement. BlueSpike will turn 30 someday, and even then will still be thought of as the crazed, sadistic pervert who, at the age of 13, willingly listened to a 27-year-old masturbate repeatedly for hours on end and forced him to shove a broken clay medallion up his ass; even after he has since considerably matured and openly shown remorse for his previous actions. The Idea Guys may have to deal with many long-term legal troubles one day for manipulating a mentally-handicapped man into abusing himself and extorting frivolities and large sums of money from him; all for a stupid, cruel joke that amused no one but themselves. Due to her somewhat successful attempts at trolling Chris; along with her edgy behavior, A-logging directed towards Chris, and the bullying of other students at her university; Bella has been deemed one of Chris's most corrupt trolls due to unproven claims regarding her interactions with Chris being propegated, and is widely disgraced by the greater CWCsphere as a result.
To add to the irony, people who didn't intentionally upset Chris are still getting unwanted attention from weens. Do you think Adam Stackhouse enjoys being inundated by various unwanted "you prevented Chris from raping Megan, congrats!" messages in his e-mail inbox, especially since he openly made peace with Chris in 2018? Or that Mary Lee Walsh appreciates seeing herself as a nubile anime blonde who exists solely to torment a virgin with rage every time she or her students uses Google? Or that Michael Snyder likes being constantly reminded by weens of being harassed and hit by a car through misguided attempts to praise him, or being tormented about said events, almost a decade later, on the guestbook of his own father's funeral? In all of these cases, the answer is a big, fat NO.
Successful weens merely become something much worse
- Main article: Carpetbaggers
There is absolutely nothing left to gain from Chris or the community surrounding him
What is probably the most simple grounds of all to not ween is also the most important for a number of reasons.
As seen above, not only does Chris no longer have amusing reactions to anything that comes his way as in the past, he is no longer in any position (or condition, for that matter) to produce more art, comics or commissions for people to look forward to, and can no longer be considered someone to (even ironically) root for, ever since his fall from being a comedic and sometimes morally-questionable but mostly harmless buffoon into a truly indefensible and disturbing individual. Apart from what he sporadically writes or rambles about in his letters and phone calls from jail, the wellspring of anything truly fascinating, endearing or amusing about him has long since run dry. Ever since Chris has been known to have had sexual relations with his own mother, Weening and A-Logging are considered to be especially pathetic; the law itself will now officially deal with Chris properly (as opposed to a rag-tag lynch mob of idiots on the internet; who now, by-and-large, have no access to him anymore regardless), and the need to prove oneself as superior to or otherwise be associated with an obese, unrepentant sex offender with a rapidly-flatlining grip on sanity reeks of desperation for attention more than it ever has.
All of this isn't even getting to the likely results of trying to ween or otherwise going out of your way to coax reactions or information from Chris nowadays. Not only do you have the active Chris-Chan community who are more than willing to come after most wannabes who attempt to do so, but also how the consequences will, in such circumstances, very likely end up spreading into your actual life; as has been seen on numerous occasions. Even without going in with the intention to troll, fan documentaries and information sources (such as this very wiki) already extensively cover Chris and his life, and when new events and such occur, it's more than likely already covered by them without you needing to dig too deeply.
That said, if you do have worthwhile information, corrections and confirmations of such to to provide, then by all means do so. The same applies for items such as Sonichu-related fan media, on the condition that they're kept well away from the man himself. But you should always keep in mind that however you choose to go about it, with so much to potentially lose and so little to gain — if anything at all — obsessing over and trying to get directly involved with Chris nowadays just isn't worth it.
- In many cases, the modern, albiet much more controversial, incarnations of prominent trolls have figured this out.
- About 99.9% of the time, this doesn't happen, so don't bother trying.
|The Unholy Quintet|