|“||Are you 6-years-old or somethin'?||”|
|Bob Chandler outsmarting a ween attempting to prank call Chris.|
|“||Don’t worry about those weens; you know you are safe around me and my Loves. 😊⚡️💙⚡️||”|
|Chris, attempting to persuade a fan weens won't hassle them at BronyCon.|
Rounding out The Unholy Tetrad of white knights, A-Logs and enablers, weens are those who put effort into trying to troll but only mildly annoy Chris at most. A corruption of the phrase "epic win", weens are wannabe trolls who attempt to recreate the antics of prominent trolls, without being aware that there was much manipulation behind the scenes to goad Chris into performing for the trolls, and therefore just embarrass themselves.
Think we're exaggerating? Maybe a video or three will help get the point across.
- 1 Examples of weening
- 2 Arguments against weening
- 2.1 The Chris of today is nothing like his former self
- 2.2 There are much better targets than Chris
- 2.3 The best trolls are chosen by fate
- 2.4 The Chris of today is not (quite) as gullible as he used to be
- 2.5 Your idea is probably not original
- 2.6 Weenery discourages Chris from producing content
- 2.7 If you fail hard enough, you will become a target for trolls yourself
- 2.8 Even if you do succeed, you may regret it later
- 2.9 Chris is still the undisputed trolling champion
- 3 Carpetbaggers
- 4 Conclusion
- 5 See also
- 6 Sources
Examples of weening
- Elaborate trolling plans that end up failing.
- Falsely white-knighting Chris to befriend him and get whatever you want out of him. The CWCProtectSquad is a notorious example of this.
- Prank-calling Chris. Double dumbass points if it's just to yell "JULAAAY, JULAAAAAAY!" or "IAN BRANDON ANDERSON/SOMETHING!" into the phone.
- Prank takeaway deliveries under Chris' name and address. Not only is this just unfunny for anyone involved (on top of wasting both money and food), but Chris' local Papa John's among other places have already blacklisted his address from delivery to prevent this.
- A-Logging. While not all weens are A-Logs and vice versa, the two often overlap. A-Log himself was as much of a ween as your average A-Log in numerous ways.
- Enabling Chris' fantastical beliefs. Chris's mind is already fucked up on its own merits, and people such as the Idea Guys have done more than enough in terms of mental damage on him. Once again, please note that although not all weens are enablers and vice versa, they tend to overlap.
- Making fake Facebook and Twitter profiles of people Chris follows.
- Spamming Chris's Facebook pages with random pictures to try and get a rise out of him, such as of pickles or Sonic's redesign in Sonic Boom.
- Scathing e-mails, letters, or social media messages.
- Butting into conversations Chris is having with other people online, especially if he isn't doing anything particularly wrong at the moment (which is almost 99% of the time). This was sadly way too common with the DoopieDoOver saga.
- Attempting to contact people who once interacted with Chris but have since cut off all ties with him (Megan, Cole, the Wallflower, Mary Lee Walsh, Adam Stackhouse, Michael Snyder, etc.) and drag them back into the spotlight against their wishes.
- Terrible fanfiction that "wittily" deconstructs Sonichu as a saccharine dystopia. Sorry folks, but Asperchu, A Girl Who Brought Down the World, Sonichu: The Animated Series and CWCollateral not only all already did this, but have also milked the concept for everything it's worth; it's time to move on.
- Terrible fanfiction and fanart that focuses solely on murdering Sonichu characters, as seen in the picture below-right. Double dumbass points if focusing predominantly on the slaughter of Sonees and Roseys.
- Mass reporting in an attempt to get his social media accounts shut down.
- Terrible fanart of Sonichu that attempts to be wittily macabre by making it even more grotesque, gory, or perverse than it already was.
- Spouting tired old Chris memes in places where Christorians lurk, or even in places where most of the members don't even know about Chris. Either way, it's very annoying.
- Making frivolous or exaggerated claims of Chris's misconduct in feedback on sites like eBay or YouTube.
- Spoiling Chris's legitimate attempts at doing commissions and participating in contests or e-commerce.
- Sending Chris a glitter bomb.
- Sending letters for PewDiePie to Chris's address.
- Making terrible rap songs about Chris.
- Harassing bronies whose content Chris enjoys into blocking him on Twitter.
- Re-creating his Wikipedia page as a social experiment.
- Spamming his tweets with "Where's the comics?". He's not going to respond, so don't even try.
- It may be just plain sad to say, but even telling Chris to “get a job” has become ween lingo.
- Worst of all, breaking the law in pursuit of lulz. This includes (but is certainly not limited to) vandalizing or trespassing on Chris's property (which includes egging his house), illegally recording telephone conversations, stalking him, his mother and by extension the rest of his family, stealing from them, extortion, or threatening them with violence or even outright murder. We really shouldn't have to say it at this point, but for fuck's sake, DON'T DO ANY OF THIS.
Arguments against weening
Now, we know what you're thinking. You're not one of those try-hard 13-year old boys who still think that screaming "JULAAAAAY!!!" or "IAN! BRANNON! SOMETHING!!!" at Chris, spamming his Twitter with pickles, or making and sending him parody comics is the height of wit. You've come up with a great plan to really get under Chris's skin, bring back the good old days and all that shit.
While you may in fact be that guy, 99.9% of the time, you should just shitcan your trolling plans and move on with your life.
Why, you ask?
The Chris of today is nothing like his former self
Chris has gone a long way since his internet debut on the Something Awful Forums. He has gone from a simple-minded man with child-like tendencies that made a bunch of crappy comics, to a mentally disturbed hippie that’s formed a small cult around said comics.
It is important to note that Chris, although still very gullible and severely detached from reality, is (debatably) still a thinking person. Whatever gets him riled up nowadays ultimately depends on the time and situation. Therefore, a lot of the commonly associated triggers he may or may not have had some time ago will not necessarily transfer over to the present day.
The irony in all of this is that most trolling attempts no longer phase Chris at all. And those that do somehow succeed are only viewed as further support for his cult. Therefore, you should never expect to be one of the cool kids just by failtrolling Chris. Times have changed, so it’s best to move onto better targets. This leads us into the next point.
There are much better targets than Chris
If you're willing to put that much effort into trolling Chris, why not apply that same effort to going after better victims? As much as the CWCki analyses and discusses in detail his numerous odd behaviors and personality flaws, Chris doesn't even come close to the bottom of the barrel of internet scumbags. Neo-nazis and other hate groups, social justice warriors, abusive lovers and parents, scam artists, pedophiles and ephebophiles, corrupt politicians and corporations, religious zealots, zoophiles and other animal abusers, hackers, script kiddies and malware writers/distributers, gang members, terrorists and their online recruiters, A-Logs, Enablers, and many other assorted shitbirds are much, much more deserving of concentrated trolling than Chris will ever be.
Even if you don't give a shit who the trollbait is as long as you get Laughs Under Lucricities, the Chris of today just isn't as amenable to trolling as he used to be; as discussed beforehand. The amount of effort you would need to put into navigating around his paranoia and autistic sensibilities would be staggering to say the least. And even if you do manage to bypass these obstacles, what is there left to do to him? Anything amusing about him has already been exhausted, except the shit he does on his own initiative, also discussed further below. All that is left of him at this point is a withered husk of a lolcow; as much as you may try to milk it, you'll be hard-pressed not to get only cobwebs, dust and shrivelled dead insects in return. With that in mind, you may as well just spend your time on another lolcow who hasn't been inured to years of deceit and humiliation.
For most aspiring trolls, the only reason to pick Chris over any other Internet jackass is because he's relatively well-known even today, and you have a ready-made audience available to appreciate your efforts. But that's just you being lazy, not some trolling mastermind.
The best trolls are chosen by fate
Most of the greatest trolls didn't even mean to get into professional trolling. BlueSpike never intended to create the Julie character; he just rolled with it when Chris assumed he was a girl because of his voice. Clyde Cash was an emergent meme and later an alter-ego that spread from Chris jerking around his fanbase. Liquid Chris started out as just a YouTube nobody who was surprisingly good at Chris impressions, and was eventually noticed by the man himself out of the blue. Emily/Kim had already seen Chris around, and she only pretended to be other people after finding out about his face blindness. Alec Benson Leary just made a parody comic with no intention to personally offend Chris. Jason Kendrick Howell thought that he was making a page on a run-of-the-mill lolcow, and had no idea of the clusterfuck he was about to create. Vivian Gee started out actually defending Chris and counter-trolling those who tried to do him harm, and only eventually became a troll herself out of spite after Chris never listened to (and eventually began threatening her as a result of) her numerous failed attempts to warn him of incoming trolling schemes, as well as due to the Audiobooks; which again, were not made to go out of their way to personally attack him. And Ivy merely asked Chris for a video shout-out to impress a friend, and didn't even think twice that Chris would latch onto her as hard as he ended up doing.
Ask any of Chris's seasoned trolls, and they'll tell you meticulous trolling plans really don't work with Chris, because it's not always so easy to predict how he'll react to anything. On one hand, he completely shrugged off "Blanca" stealing and destroying the original medallions, even though the trolls behind Blanca had predicted he'd rage like nothing before. Conversely, he has also completely overreacted to what could be considered quite minor triggers in comparison. At most, people who troll Chris successfully just go in with a rough outline and let Chris fill in the details as they go. So quit the elaborate planning, because it doesn't work and only makes you look obsessed; coincidentally, this is exactly what turned the trolls' attention to A-Log himself.
The Chris of today is not (quite) as gullible as he used to be
Granted, almost no one on Earth is as naïve as Chris was in 2007. However, since then Chris has gradually learned that when he's contacted by people claiming to be Shigeru Miyamoto, Batman, Vanessa Hudgens, someone from his past, or even his own relatives, chances are he's just being trolled. In fact, the naivety of the younger Chris has been swapped for an extreme distrust of anyone who tries to contact him, to the extent where he's even turned down legitimate attempts to get in touch by people he actually knew at high school or college.
This hasn't been helped at all by weens; according to seinor trolls, Chris was once contacted by 10 people claiming to be Megan at the same time, all of them claiming to be the TRUE and HONEST Megan and telling him not to believe the others.
Chris also vets those who try to bait him with fake social media accounts of people he follows. Weens tried this during the Doopie saga, only for Chris to embarrass them by thoroughly debunking their claims, complete with evidence.
As of today, Chris simply doesn’t care about whatever hackneyed, inane scheme you’ve come up with for him. Even the most persistent attempts at bribery don’t seem to affect him as much as they used to.
Your idea is probably not original
Whatever your scheme is, it's probably been done before, and most likely better. It's pretty much impossible to top getting Chris to believe that the President of Nintendo was interested in his work, or that there was a DANG, DIRTY IMPOSTER whom everyone else thought was the real Chris and stealing his richly deserved fame, or convincing Chris to destroy his own life upgrade on-camera in an attempt to claim a $9,001 bounty that never actually existed, or even simply pulling some strings to have Bob walk in on Chris masturbating. By and large, most modern trolling plans tend to be some incredibly minor variation on something that's already been done; like for example, "what if we got his high school ring?" or "what if we got him to see another parody of his comic?". In short, you're wasting your time trying to rehash older trolling events, because we've all seen it before. More importantly, so has Chris; so from experience, he very likely knows where you're going with it, too.
Weenery discourages Chris from producing content
Chris is at his most productive when he believes he has lots of fans and everyone, barring a few trolls here and there, loves him. Most agree that weenery is detrimental to this strange, symbiotic relationship, and it is considered to be one of the predominant causes of the slump in content between 2011 and 2014. In that time, Chris entered a hiatus as a result of a combination of mourning for his then-recently deceased father, and a constant stream of weenery over the years that made him think of himself as a victim who wouldn't be able to do anything without being harassed. As a result, he became far more private, meaning barely any content for us. Only four years after 2011 did he re-emerge from this hiatus.
It is also worth mentioning that Chris produces much better content when left to his own devices. Since his semi-retreat from the public eye after his father's death, Chris has been prosecuted twice, concocted outlandish conspiracy theories centered on someone he hasn't spoken to for years, accidentally set fire to his house, eventually continued working on the previously-unfinished Sonichu #11 again, and sliced his own taint open with a knife as part of a hair-brained attempt to grow his own china; all of this without any impetus from the trolls. Likewise, let's not forget the entire Mary Lee Walsh saga (along with at least two different independent blogs of Chris' bizarre mannerisms and behaviors) happened before he even rose to fame. Don't try and rush the master of America's favorite game.
If you fail hard enough, you will become a target for trolls yourself
Anthony "A-Log" LoGatto is the textbook example of trolling backfiring on the would-be troll, and it's important to remember that he would never have attracted the attention of the internet if he had simply toned down the vitriol enough to make it less obvious that he was absolutely obsessed with Chris. It was thereafter a fairly obvious leap in intuition to assume that someone with that level of hysteria and monomania over someone they had never even met would have had some skeletons in their own closet -- and as it turns out, A-Log had more than a few. These included homemade yiff fanfiction featuring a tellingly moderately-endowed fox OC, a cache of disturbing cartoon pornography, a laughably-poor college radio show from which he almost got fired after being caught masturbating in the studio, and a video where A-Log does an excruciatingly unfunny stand-up "comedy" bit, revolving almost entirely around attacking Chris and what the radio was playing at the time -- before a crowd who, judging by their reaction, had never even heard of Chris.
Another more recent example of the same thing happening to a ween is the case of Michael Hirtes. After a myriad of sockpuppet accounts, spam messages to Chris and anyone he conversed with numbering in the thousands -- mostly consisting of outdated memes and ad hominem attacks -- and enough angry rants for him to also be described as being truly obsessed with Chris, it naturally led to some digging. Sure enough, Hirtes was revealed to be an unemployed furry who is even older at 53 years old, even less mature and more prone to tard rage than Chris, and having a number of highly-embarrassing things to his name -- including criminal convictions and a newspaper article of him in a fursuit discussing yiffing. Consequently, he became a huge laughing stock overnight; not only turning into a lolcow himself, but it even got to be the point where Chris himself dismissed him, and by extension everything he'd done, as an irrelevance.
By the same token, obsessive and excessive weenery is dangerously likely to get you noticed by other trolls; who will, in turn, start trolling you because of that and anything else they notice about you, hoisting you on your own petard. In other words, it's akin to plugging in a huge neon sign pointing the trolls straight to your collection of Goku x Anne Frank slash fiction and Tiger Beat magazines with boy bands mugging on the front.
Even successful trolls can become targets: after several months manipulating Chris, the Idea Guys had their real-world identities exposed in the first half of 2018. Between October 2017 and March 2020, Kiwi Farms officially encouraged users to dox weens as a deterrent. Several would-be weens have been foiled this way, and the effects have possibly spread into their real lives. Chris himself has also carelessly exposed those who try to interact with him while remaining anonymous. Remember, there is an energetic community devoted to recording every facet of Chris's life and interactions. You will be noticed; and as covered in more detail below, the attention you'll end up recieving will likely be the undesirable kind, even if you do somehow catch Chris's attention.
Even if you do succeed, you may regret it later
Sometimes, trolls that do somehow manage to succeed in extracting lulz from Chris end up getting more than they bargained for. For example, Spazkid stopped making Sonichu the Animated Series when he realized Chris wasn't trolling. Liquid Chris may have to spend a long time fending off accusations from people outside of the Chris-Chan bubble of tormenting an emotionally vulnerable autistic man for his own amusement. BlueSpike will turn 30 someday, and even then will still be thought of as the crazed, sadistic pervert who willingly listened to a slow-in-the-mind mass debate for hours on end and forced him to shove a broken clay medallion up his ass, all at the age of 13. The Idea Guys may have to deal with many long-term legal troubles one day for manipulating a mentally-handicapped man into abusing himself, sending false alarms to authorities such as the FBI, and extorting large sums of money from him, all for a sick joke.
To add to the irony, people who didn't intentionally upset Chris are still getting unwanted attention from weens. Do you think Adam Stackhouse enjoys being inundated by various unwanted "you prevented Chris from raping Megan, congrats!" messages in his e-mail inbox, especially since he openly made peace with Chris in 2018? Or that Mary Lee Walsh appreciates seeing herself as a nubile anime blonde who exists solely to torment a virgin with rage every time she or her students uses Google? Or that Michael Snyder would like being constantly reminded by various weens of being harassed and almost becoming the victim of vehicular homicide in misguided attempts to congratulate him? In all of these cases, the answer is a big, fat NO.
Chris is still the undisputed trolling champion
Lest we think the drought in content between 2011 and 2014 was because of a shortage of active trolls, consider that we would have had a windfall in content of unprecedented magnitude had Chris still been making frequent videos. A lot happened in that time, although you wouldn't know it from his near-invisible updates; Chris had another girlfriend whom he eventually discovered was fake, was led to believe his gal-pals never liked him, caused a house fire after brewing coffee in his bathroom at 2 in the morning, squabbled with eBay and got repeatedly banned over trying to break the site’s rules multiple times, launched a dogged, one-man crusade against a simple design change, and got himself arrested again as a result of it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg; if Chris had been as enthusiastic for 24/7 content creation as he has been both before and since then, we'd have been utterly spoiled. While he eventually began making videos again in November 2015, the staggering amount of missed opportunities still remains.
Honestly, most of the bullshit in his life has been his own fault; even in the "golden age" of trolling, many Christorians' most fondly-remembered incidents had little or no active involvement from the trolls. Chris unexpectedly spilled the beans about his DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS during an IRC chat about a mostly-unrelated subject. THAT IS MY HOUSE came out of the seemingly innocuous act of him putting up footage of the inside of his house on YouTube. The events of 28 October 2011 would likely have taken much longer to come to light if not for Chris himself posting pictures of Michael Snyder and various other details to this very wiki within hours of him getting home from jail. Chris's macing of a GameStop employee on 26 December 2014 was provoked by a minor change to a cartoon hedgehog's design that was done by professional video game designers unfettered by the vitriol they'd receive from obsessive fans like Chris; and as with the incident in 2011, several details of his misadventures at GameStop would've taken a lot longer to come to light, had he not posted his own mind-blowingly self-serving account of the incident on Facebook within days of being released on bail. And one can only imagine what on Earth possessed him to not only draw ShecameforCWC.JPG, but to post it online multiple times and passionately proclaim that it depicted Megan, one of the few real friends he's ever had.
Alongside weens, who consistently fail to use Chris’ infamy to boost their internet prescence, there are those who manage to succeed and are much less laughing stocks than their failed counterparts. Such successes are referred to as carpetbaggers. Despite being under this page, carpetbaggers are not weens by definition, but they are related in how they try to use and exploit Chris for their own personal gain. The main difference is that carpetbaggers tend to run semi-successful channels and comics purely off of Chris’ infamy alone.
Carpetbagging isn’t always for completely selfish motives in mind. Some people who latch onto Chris for this purpose may also be doing it to protect him from everyone else.
To sum it all up, an old saying among long-time Christorians applies here more than anywhere; "Nobody trolls Chris better than Chris". In other words; even without the active trolling, Chris is so good at turning his own life into a rolling disaster that not even the triumphant return of Clyde Cash and The Miscreants could top how much he perpetually trolls himself with everything he currently gets up to (even simply on his own initiative) to this very day. So, with no direct provoking or intervention needed aside from casually observing and documenting each event as it comes; just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
|The Unholy Tetrad|