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Kick the Autistic
Kick the Autistic is a game that consists of doing anything Chris doesn't like. He alleges it is America's favorite, owing to the frequency of his antagonists playing it.
- 1 Variations
- 2 Uses by Chris
- 3 See also
There are many known variations of the game, and below are the most successful.
Enter a competition of artistry where Chris is also competing, and beat him. This is generally easily done by showing any competence at all. Favored by his fellow students and that no-good Adam Stackhouse. Beware: Chris may get grumpy and print your picture out to shoot at, or beat you up in Soul Calibur.
Set yourself up as one of the most visible and recognized representatives of autism within internet culture. Act like an entitled child and develop horrifying perversions, which you discuss freely on YouTube. Give other autistic people as well as those with Asperger's Syndrome (which he hates) a bad reputation by association. There is a 100% chance this will result in them trolling you.
Pretend to be a boyfriend-free girl. Take the time to befriend Chris, until he trusts you. Once that happens, get him to send you something of value to him, and record yourself destroying it.
Jimmy Hill Style
If you are an artist troll or just bored, plagiarize Chris's own plagiarized comics. Chris is very funny about the material which he has plagiarized, and he will throw a fit and take legal action against you "if not removed by 14 days."
Pretend to befriend Chris, known for being of the completely clueless type and willing to trust anyone who claims to have a china. Then, when you have gained his trust, tell him to do something amusing. Say you are a woman who is turned on at the thought of him recycling. Once this happens, put the goods up on Encyclopedia Dramatica and Kiwi Farms, and sit back as you watch them get their Laughs Under Lucricities.
Go to Virginia and somehow meet up with Chris while wearing a pickle costume. He will be bewildered by it, and too powerless to act.
Set events in motion that will keep Chris from ever getting laid. Physically weaken him so that he can't even rape women to lose his virginity, or do anything else for that matter. Extra points for clouding up his judgement. As an added "fuck you," send
an impostor The True and Honest Christian Weston Chandler to swipe his sweetheart.
Keep doing this for the rest of his life, then send him to Hell where he'll be trolled for all eternity...or reincarnated as a pickle; whichever. The current champion of this style is Chris himself.
Pretend that you are Be the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of Sonichu, the electric hedgehog Pokémon. Upload videos on YouTube detailing your many encounters with Clyde Cash and your success at attracting a boyfriend free girl. Brag about the millions you have earned thanks to Sonichu, and try to conquer the Sonichu media empire that is rightfully yours. Bonus points if you purchase ad space on the CWCipedia.
Alec Benson Leary of Asperchu has used a similar tactic, to much the same effect.
Michael Snyder Style
Give Chris the banhammer, thus preventing him from going to his favorite establishment, for no good reason other than sheer hatred for autistic people. Patiently wait until he tries to come back to his rightful place, and then rub your legs on his car's bumper in order to fake injury. Sue Chris for damages and bribe whoever needs to be bribed; once this is done, you'll be rolling in the dough.
Refuse to bail out the one and only Autistic Hero and center of your universe, Christian Weston Chandler of Ruckersville, VA whenever he hits parked cars, trespasses on private property, vandalizes store displays, or maces GameStop employees. Grant prayers to people with concerns that aren't half as important as winning glorious victory over the Trolls and Cyber-Bullies. Finally, refuse to step in when your Autistic Hero accidentally sets his home ablaze.
Reveal that you were just friends with him out of pity. Then, when Chris throws a tantrum about it, turn that pity into laughter by linking to one of his videos for all of his former gal-pals to see just how far he's fallen since they've last seen him. Then, when the Catherine saga is coming to a close, reveal yourself as the fabricating troll mastermind behind both the admitting of befriending Chris out of pity, and the saga itself.
Push your biggest fan's buttons by changing the arm color of your main hero from tan to blue in your latest game. Watch as Chris gets blangry and declares war on your franchise. Crack open a cold one as this leads to Chris pepper-spraying a JERK for trying to stop him, winding up in jail, and learning absolutely nothing.
Financhu Crisis Style
Gradually work your way up in life to become a billionaire, and eventually the President of the United States. Watch as Chris films himself threatening death on you by smashing his own toys.
Chris has never experienced any substantial physical pain in his entire life that we know of. No broken bones or bare knuckle fights. His parents never raised a hand against him. There is also no evidence of him ever being grounded, or punished in any significant way--even after being caught masturbating in the kitchen! The only citation provided by Chris of physical pain whatsoever is an anecdotal story about the time that Sarah Nicole Hammer tried to teach him how to roller-skate. Chris fell and skinned his knee, vowing never to roller skate again.
Because Chris has never been through the "school of hard knocks" (even running away if a confrontation seems imminent,) he seems pretty confident that he can tell anyone anything he wants without fear of consequence. On 28 October 2011 and 26 December 2014, respectively, Chris committed crimes which could have seen him end up in jail, where inmates don't take kindly to temper tantrums. Fortunately for him, he evaded both fates, but the latter incident saw Chris getting a probation, and he won't be as lucky if he gets in trouble with the law again during the period.
Uses by Chris
Recorded examples of this particular CWC-ism include the following:
- In the e-mail he sent to Sony after losing Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, Chris blamed his failure on "AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC!'"
- At the same time, in his first PSN blog entry cursing Adam Stackhouse, he bitched and mixed his metaphors about how "I have been the dog in America's favorite game, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC' for my whole life."
- After finding out that Panda was a troll during Vivitheg's AIM chat, Chris whined, "And so, the world continues to play the world's favorite game of 'Kick the Autistic'."
- Addressing Encyclopedia Dramatica users on 21 January 2008, Chris wrote "And if you have so much free time to play the cruelest game of "KICK THE AUTISTIC", then you CAN and SHOULD put the time to better use; volunteer for a social chore; take up the culture in tasteful art; go out and socialize."
- A variation was used in Chris's second version of Ok2bgay, with Chris opening the video with the words "Merry Kickmas".
- Reggie Fils-Aimé - Video game president, hoping to release Kick the Autistic on all major Nintendo consoles in time for Christmas.