Kick the Autistic
|“||I REALLY WANTED THAT TRIP SO I COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO IMPRESS MY SWEETEST MEGAN AND POSSIBLY FULFILL MY DREAM OF GETTING MARRIED AND SOON HAVE A DAUGHTER NAMED CRYSTAL. YET NOW I, A FRUSTRATED HIGH-FUNCTIONALLY AUTISTIC 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN, HAVE BEEN BALLZ-BROKEN LIKE I HAVE THROUGH A BIG CHUNK OF MY LIFE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, "KICK THE AUTISTIC!"||”|
|Chris, coining the phrase after taking a loss in a contest pretty well.|
Kick the Autistic was a phrase first coined by Chris when he complained about not receiving preferential treatment for having autism shortly after he lost the PaRappa the Rapper contest and a chance to score with Megan. Soon the phrase developed into a game that consists of doing anything Chris doesn't like. He alleges it is America's favorite, owing to the frequency of his antagonists (perceived and real) playing it.
There are many known variations of the game, and below are the most noteworthy.
Enter a competition of artistry where Chris is also competing, and beat him. This is generally easily done by showing any competence at all. Favored by his fellow students and that no-good Adam Stackhouse. Beware: Chris may get grumpy and print your picture out to shoot at, or beat you up in Soul Calibur.
Set yourself up as one of the most visible and recognized representatives of autism within internet culture. Act like an entitled child and develop horrifying perversions, which you discuss freely on YouTube. Give other autistic people as well as those with Asperger's Syndrome (which he hates) a bad reputation by association. There is a 100% chance this will result in them trolling you.
Pretend to be a boyfriend-free girl. Take the time to befriend Chris, until he trusts you. Once that happens, get him to send you horrific n00dz and something of value to him, and record yourself destroying it.
Jimmy Hill Style
If you are an artist troll or just bored, plagiarize Chris's own plagiarized comics. Chris is very funny about the material which he has plagiarized, and he will throw a fit and take legal action against you "if not removed by 14 days."
Pretend to befriend Chris, known for being of the completely clueless type and willing to trust anyone who claims to have a china. Then, when you have gained his trust, tell him to do something amusing. Say you are a woman who is turned on at the thought of him recycling. Once this happens, put the goods up on Encyclopedia Dramatica and Kiwi Farms, and sit back as you watch them get their lulz.
Set events in motion that will keep Chris from ever getting laid. Physically weaken him so that he can't even rape a woman to lose his virginity, or do anything else for that matter. Extra points for clouding up his judgement. As an added "fuck you," send
an impostor The True and Honest Christian Weston Chandler to swipe his sweetheart.
Keep doing this for the rest of his life, then send him to Hell where he'll be trolled for all eternity...or reincarnated as a pickle; whichever. The current champion of this style is Chris himself.
Pretend that you are Be the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of Sonichu, the electric hedgehog Pokémon. Upload videos on YouTube detailing your many encounters with Clyde Cash and your success at attracting a boyfriend-free girl. Brag about the millions you have earned thanks to Sonichu, and try to conquer the Sonichu media empire that is rightfully yours. Bonus points if you purchase ad space on the CWCipedia.
Alec Benson Leary of Asperchu has used a similar tactic, to much the same effect.
Michael Snyder Style
Give Chris the banhammer, thus preventing him from going to his favorite establishment, for no good reason other than sheer hatred for autistic people. Patiently wait until he tries to come back to his rightful place, and then rub your legs on his car's bumper in order to fake injury. Sue Chris for damages and bribe whoever needs to be bribed; once this is done, you'll be rolling in the dough.
Refuse to bail out the one and only Autistic Hero and center of your universe, Christian Weston Chandler of Ruckersville, VA whenever he hits parked cars, trespasses on private property, vandalizes store displays, or maces GameStop employees. Grant prayers to people with concerns that aren't half as important as winning glorious victory over the Trolls and Cyber-Bullies. Finally, refuse to step in when your Autistic Hero accidentally sets his home ablaze.
Gal Pal Style
Reveal that you were just friends with him out of pity. Then, when Chris throws a tantrum about it, turn that pity into laughter by linking to one of his videos for all of his former gal pals to see just how far he's fallen since they've last seen him. Then, when the Catherine saga is coming to a close, reveal yourself as the fabricating troll mastermind behind both the admitting of befriending Chris out of pity, and the saga itself.
Financhu Crisis Style
Gradually work your way up in life to become a billionaire, and eventually the President of the United States. Watch as Chris films himself threatening death on you by smashing his own toys.
Be a voice actress/artist who Chris orbits on Twitter. Accept his money to draw art commissions for him, then take cover as weens make fake pledges on your Patreon while Chris begins calling you "darling" and spamming your business email. Finally, call him out in public for being creepy and spending beyond his means, then step back as Chris tries to win you over by painting a bulls-eye on himself and telling everyone to HarassCWCdirectly. For bonus points, join the trolls' internet forum and leak the emails he had sent to you. Afterwards, have Chris talk with one of your best friends, and have them start a flame war. If done right, have her A-Log Chris throughout all of her posts for him displaying the same creepy behaviour towards her.
Be one of Chris' Facebook friends over a span of years and latch onto him when he's desperate for a girlfriend. As soon as you see him stalking a voice actress on LazyCast, break up with him, wait for him to film himself crying about it, and then get back together with him. Be sure to goad him into making a rage video cursing Kiwi Farms trolls by completely ending the relationship one day before you were set to meet in real life and saying that they had hacked your Facebook as the reason.
Idea Guy Style
When you notice Chris's detachment from reality and his gullibility, take advantage of both to troll him. First, make up stories about the various happenings of his creation, and then inform Chris about them. Afterward, tell Chris to do a number of ridiculous tasks that you know will fly over his head, whether it be telling him to write "I have a penis" in Japanese, whilst making him think it's his signature, or forcing him to do the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. chant, whilst making him think it's an anchuent Cherokean chant. Chris's response to such coercion will vary, so use it wisely. This style is bound to work if you inform him that Rosechu has a pickle, though. As an alternative, you can go the extra mile, and do some of the most deranged stuff any player of the game has commited, whether it be telling him to shit on the floor, or telling him to physically beat both himself and his mother.
Message and harass the Twitter accounts that Chris follows with large amounts of embarrassing information about him in order to get Chris blocked from viewing those accounts.
Redesign some of Chris's characters and watch his mind completely break because he doesn't like a certain design element.
Hijack Chris' delusions and tell him that he has to have sex with you in order for them to come true. Spend thousands of dollars for the opportunity to get access to Chris, only for him to epically shut you down.
If you have no creativity or aren't skilled enough to execute the above versions of play properly, but you want to use Chris's tard rage to cover up your lulzyness, you may want to use this variation of the game as a last resort. You'll see why this is a very bad idea as soon as you've read the instructions. First, you'll either want to create close to ten Twitter sockpuppet accounts to spam and flame Chris with, or create a YouTube channel solely dedicated to subpar commentaries on his older videos. Once you've farmed enough content, share your hard work and effort to get as many desperate upvotes and views as possible. If somebody figures out your shenanigans, do not fret. Just try to cover it up in a half-assed fashion, even if you stupidly include your own profile pic in one of the screenshots you sent to the Kiwi Farms. Even after you've been called out on your bullshit, simply continue attacking Chris on your preferred platform every time he posts new content, usually with some dead meme that anyone else would find cringy or by telling the rest of the world how horrible Chris is compared to you. All and all, you should never try to play the game this way, as you are always going to lose regardless of how you try to execute it. Chris will never respond to your unfunny commentaries let alone rage over them. Plus, all of your desperate trollshielding and spamming will only lead you to being mocked even more. Double Dumbass points if it is Chris who ends up kicking you instead.
Chris has never experienced any substantial physical pain in his entire life that we know of. No broken bones or bare knuckle fights. His parents never raised a hand against him. There is also no evidence of him ever being grounded, or punished in any significant way – even after being caught masturbating in the kitchen! The only citation provided by Chris of physical pain whatsoever is an anecdotal story about the time that Sarah Nicole Hammer tried to teach him how to roller-skate. Chris fell and skinned his knee, vowing never to roller-skate again.
Because Chris has never been through the "school of hard knocks" (even running away if a confrontation seems imminent), he seems pretty confident that he can tell anyone anything he wants without fear of consequence. On 28 October 2011 and 26 December 2014, respectively, Chris committed crimes which could have seen him end up in jail, where inmates don't take kindly to temper tantrums. Fortunately for him, he evaded both fates, but the latter incident saw Chris getting a probation, and he won't be as lucky if he gets in trouble with the law again during the period.
Eventually, while the law did eventually catch up to him in 2021, there are no known incidents of Chris being attacked by any inmates (judging by letters he sent from behind bars,) implying that he might be in solitary. Regardless of that, if Chris does find himself imprisoned after his trial, he would constantly have to watch his back if not kept out of the general population, as prisoners are known to "pull paperwork" on new inmates to find out what they're in for. Needless to say, they would not look kindly at all on the fact that Chris's charge is incest, which can easily cause him to be targeted for assault. Worse yet is the fact that Chris often can't keep his mouth shut, which can be a literal death sentence for him since prisoners rank "snitches" as being just as bad as child molesters.
Uses by Chris
Recorded examples of this particular CWC-ism include the following:
- In the e-mail he sent to Sony after losing Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown, Chris blamed his failure on "AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC!'"
- At the same time, in his first PSN blog entry cursing Adam Stackhouse, he bitched and mixed his metaphors about how "I have been the dog in America's favorite game, 'KICK THE AUTISTIC' for my whole life."
- After finding out that Panda was a troll during Vivitheg's AIM chat, Chris whined, "And so, the world continues to play the world's favorite game of 'Kick the Autistic'."
- Addressing Encyclopedia Dramatica users on 21 January 2008, Chris wrote "And if you have so much free time to play the cruelest game of "KICK THE AUTISTIC", then you CAN and SHOULD put the time to better use; volunteer for a social chore; take up the culture in tasteful art; go out and socialize." in an attempt to get them to back off.
- A variation was used in Chris's second version of Ok2bgay, with Chris opening the video with the words "Merry Kickmas".
- Reggie Fils-Aimé - Former Nintendo of America president, hoping to release Kick the Autistic on all major Nintendo consoles in time for Christmas.
- Pin the Autistic – The prequel to America's favorite game.
- Ban the Autistic – The spin-off to America's favorite game.
- Block the Autistic – The hit sequel to America's favorite game.