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Semen

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The closest Crystal will ever get to touching the Medallion of Fail.

Semen is a fluid secreted in the pickles of males, used primarily to impregnate females, or to simply release while mass debating. Chris has many misconceptions about its purpose and function.

Despite being "honest" about sex, Chris is sometimes uncomfortable saying "semen" and occasionally uses his own unique bowdlerized terms, shown below.

Comeuppance

In the context of sex (especially oral) with his TRUE and HONEST sweetheart, Chris refers to ejaculation as "comeuppance," as seen here:

 
 
Uh, it just feels so good, unngghh, and because me being a virgin, I would let you keep your mouth over my penis and then sooner than expected, I feel my comeuppance and I come into your mouth, my semen is inside your mouth and you'd swallow every drop.
 

 

—Chris, "My First Time"[1]

 
 
Yeah, and I'm just gonna keep bangin' your BREASTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN until you get the first DOSAGE of my comeuppance!
 

 

—Chris, Kacey Phone Call

Chris presumably coined the term because a) ejaculate is called "cum (or 'come')", b) it goes "up" when it comes out of his bent duck, and c) he's an idiot. However, this created a shitstorm when his sex tapes dropped, because Webster's defines comeuppance as "a deserved rebuke or penalty."[2] While Chris most likely heard this word and thought it would make a clever euphemism for "cum", the true meaning and its context seems to suggest an eerie Freudian slip.

Navy

Another stupid euphemism he uses for semen is "navy". This is presumably a pun off the word "seamen", who often serve in the Navy.

A tasty treat

No caption is necessary.

Chris believes that whatever he eats changes the flavor of semen, which may have some basis in fact.[3] However, what makes this ridiculous is that Chris thinks his semen will taste exactly like whatever he eats. He has indicated that he would strive for flavored comeuppance so his sweetheart/cum dumpster would savor the taste. In the sex tape audio, Chris presented the following scenario to PandaHalo:

 
 
I would have eaten so much chocolate, that day beforehand, and it would taste so yummy to you, probably like white chocolate. You'd swallow that.
 

 

—Chris[1]

In subsequent chats with Julie, this fantasy was revised so that his comeuppance would taste like strawberries.[4]

Coincidentally, sweets and other unhealthy foods are known to make semen taste even worse than usual. Chocolate is one of the worst offenders.

Recycling

 
 
Mmm! Goes down salty.
 

 

—Chris[5]

Another tidbit revealed in the sex tapes was that when Chris mass debates, he makes sure to ejaculate into a plastic cup, to avoid making a mess.[6] Shortly after this news broke, talk began to grow that Chris actually drinks from this cup.

The initial assumption, given Chris's hard stance on homos, was that Chris was a devout, fundamentalist Christian and therefore had a rigid interpretation of the Biblical story of Onan[7] (This was before we found out Chris wouldn't know anything about the Bible unless he heard it on Family Guy). Eventually the real reason was discovered: Chris believes that by ingesting his own sperm he can "recycle" it, so that none of his potential children are lost, and so that his "semen count" (presumably he meant "sperm count") remains high, as though everyone is born with a finite number of sperm that they can eventually run out of if they don't swallow more.

For a time there was no concrete evidence to support this outrageous claim, so Chris wisely decided to confirm it as fact. Multiple times.

[21:08] [11:36:35 AM] Sarah Cassandra McKenzie says: have you ever tasted your own semen
[21:08] [11:37:42 AM] Christopher C.W.C. says: KEEP IT SECRET, but I actually have; I recycle my semen               
until I get together with my Sweetheart (you) for the first time.
[21:08] [11:38:10 AM] Sarah Cassandra McKenzie says: ohhhh.. so that's why you do it in a cup
[21:08] [11:38:38 AM] Christopher C.W.C. says: yes; after recycle, I rinse the cup and dispose of it.
[21:10] [11:40:03 AM] Sarah Cassandra McKenzie says: where did you come up with the idea of swallowing 
your own semen to recycle it after you cummed? Was it on a sex site or your own idea?
[21:10] [11:40:13 AM] Christopher C.W.C. says: MY OWN IDEA.
[21:12] [11:41:23 AM] Christopher C.W.C. says: IMHO, it's often unsatisfying to me upon swallowing, 
because it's not being truly enjoyed by my Sweetheart.

FACT: If swallowing is "often unsatisfying" for Chris, that means that sometimes it is satisfying.

Not convinced? Try this:

 
 
Uh, no, I don't think so, uh, because I've done that [drinking semen after masturbating], it's called "recycling it." Yeah, so it's basically recycling so, like uh, so he doesn't necessarily lose it. I mean, 'cause you know, if you think of it as a waste if you banged it out and then you, uh and then you flushed it down the commode or leave it in the condom in the garbage can...Though personally, I've been getting sick of swallowing my own, so lately I've been disposing of them.
 

 

—Chris, Mumble chat, 17 February 2009

Yes, he really does it...

Still not convinced? Chris made a video for Ivy of himself drinking his jizz, which Clyde Cash leaked on 16 April 2009.[8] Chris had previously alleged that his semen would take on the flavor of any sort of fruits or sweets he recently consumed. So eating strawberries would lead to strawberry flavored semen and eating chocolate would lead to chocolate flavored semen. Ivy wanted him to test this theory. She requested he drink his semen and compare it to chocolate syrup. In the video, Chris explains that he doesn't have any chocolate milk [sic] handy. Instead, he mixed it with some orange Fanta, completely missing the point of her request was to compare the flavor.

Just to make sure everyone on Earth knows about it, Chris later made a video admitting and justifying the existence of the cum-guzzling footage.

 
 
I recycle my own semen, because, uh, you know, yes I do masturbate--I'm not ashamed to admit it--as a lot of guys, I'm sure, have done the same thing in their time. Anyway, uh, basically I--yeah, into the cup and--yeah, I recycle it. So that that way I won't lose any, uh, unborn children. So then I can--then I can also still have a good number of...a good semen count. Keep maintain that by recycling it.
 

 

—Chris, defending the rights of the unborn, 28 April 2009

Chris has some advice for all you men out there too:

 
 
And depending on the taste of it, uh, to the original owners...of the--their respective semen, uh, it's a good idea to recycle, but if, uh, you don--if you don--if you feel uncomfortable, uh, doing it or it tastes bad to you, then, uh, then you don't have to do it.
 

 

—Chris, giving everyone his permission to not swallow semen, 28 April 2009

Questions remain about his recycling plan. If he doesn't want to lose even a single unborn child, does that mean he plans to eventually father millions of children? Is he really dumb enough to believe his navy will survive digestion? (That's a rhetorical question.) And what happens to the comeuppance he wants to leave in his sweetheart's mouth? Does that magically teleport back where it came from, or can women get pregnant from oral sex? The world may never know.

In the Kacey calls, Chris has also suggested interest in drinking his semen for arousal:

He's bad news.
Heaven in a can.
 
 
And then you know what, I'm going to lick it, I'm gonna lick it off your face, and then we're gonna share it in our tongue like tongue sharing MOMENT!
 

 

—Chris, Kacey Phone Call, after describing how he would titfuck Kacey

In Mailbag 30, Chris announced that he had kicked the habit, although the validity of this statement is questionable at best, considering his track record for telling the truth.

When Bob described a youthful adventure (c. 1948) from his youth to Emily, Chris blurted out " I'd been hanging around in hi- inside him while he was taking that trip!"[9], which implies that he believes the sperm cell that became him in mid-1981 had existed for over thirty years, and had presumably been ejaculated and recycled by his father many, many times. Although, some might argue that's the reason for Chris's insanity to this very day.

Donation

While Chris might have learned that swallowing semen has no effect on sperm count, he remains concerned about his fertility and how to maintain it. This unease became acute in 2014 when he realized that he had a "female soul," and became obsessed with getting a sex-change operation. While he wanted to become a woman as soon as possible, he would first need to produce his God-promised daughter Crystal. This required him to find an external receptacle for his sperm, either a medical facility or a surrogate mother. Deeply confused as usual, he either believed that he would still have pseudo-parental rights after the donation; or he cared only about fulfilling God's promise, not actual maternal responsibilities.

What made this transition even more urgent was the collapse of his relationship with Catherine. While the details are currently murky, the erosion of their relationship in the second week of October seems to have convinced him that she might not become his Sweetheart and be willing to bear Crystal. Therefore, he would need to find an alternative route to Crystal's conception, and fast, so that he could lop off his Ugly Growth as soon as possible.

Chris therefore made several efforts to donate his sperm, all of which failed. Some time in the fall, he applied to be a sperm donor at Fairfax Cryobank. His application was rejected on 12 November, which he revealed on Facebook a week later. Typically, he blamed the facility for discriminating against autistic individuals, denying that autism is a hereditary disease.

 
 
There is no such thing as a 100% healthy individual with 100% healthy DNA, so the sperm bank is lying to its recipients when they "guarantee" their sperm. There is no way to reliably figure out which combinations of DNA from sperm and egg will likely give which results. Everybody is carrying something; so why discriminate against me, and by extension, other autistic people?

Their whole "your DNA is no good- begone!" explanation is utter bullshit.
 


 

—Chris, Facebook, 20 November 2014[10]


Saddened, he turned to his gal-pal Renee, informing her, "My donor application got rejected. So, I'm stuck in searching for a woman to have my daughter (if not Catie)." He magnanimously decided against putting this burden on her, a woman he had known for about a month. "I would ask you, but you're going through a LOT right now, and I wouldn't want to bother you about it."[11]

He then turned to VoyForums(http://www.voy.com), a nationwide free public message board. On 20 November he posted:

Date Posted: 00:30:39 11/20/14

Author: Christine Weston Chandler (Happy)

Subject: <3 Ruckersville/Charlottesville, VA, USA, able sperm donor for lesbian couples.

Hello, ladies. I am a female, lesbian soul, trapped in a born male body, or a Lesbian Transwoman, if you will. I want to help out in my LGBT community by dontating my essence to lesbian couples. It is Totally Awesome that y'all can legally marry in VA now. Anyhow, I am game for helping in Artificial or Natural (preferred) Insemination. I am a good person, and great in getting to know as well. I also would like to be an active parent for the child(ren), if permitted. I am a really caring individual. And I am very serious in my donating. Please, shoot me an email for your serious inquiries and whatnot; I will be happy to provide my more direct contact information via email in response as well.

Here we see that his desire to make a daughter conveniently overlaps with his fantasies of a three-way lesbian fuckfest and actually having a relationship.

In February 2016, it was revealed that Chris had been storing his semen in plastic containers delicately located in his fridge for safe keeping, right next to his family's food. [12] This method of cryopreservation, however, doesn't work

To date, no one has taken Chris up on his offer, and his sperm remains within his accursed male body.

Sources

  1. 1.0 1.1 Chris_Sex_Logs#I_am_perverted
  2. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/comeuppance
  3. http://ezinearticles.com/?Sperm-Taste---10-Simple-Tips-For-Better-Tasting-Semen&id=164106
  4. Mumble 3
  5. Chris's Big Night Out
  6. Chris Sex Logs#Chris on Masturbation and the Sex Joke
  7. http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2205/what-exactly-was-the-sin-of-onan
  8. http://www.slutload.com/watch/M20g7MWCNa5/Chris-chan-Fanta-and-Cum.html
  9. Emily Date Conversation Transcript
  10. November 2014 Facebook Posts
  11. Renee E-mails
  12. Chris's Specimen Sample

See also