Gender dysphoria, also known as gender identity disorder, is a psychological disorder in which a person identifies as another gender and experiences distress from the discordance between gender identity and actual anatomy. Chris was diagnosed with the condition in 2016.[note 1]
Chris & Dysphoria
Through the years one thing strikingly evident about Chris is the complete and total lack of understanding he has for his own body. Though he believed that he was strong, handsome, charismatic and on the TRUE and STRAIGHT path, those beliefs have habitually found themselves to be quite the opposite, and nothing shows this principal more true than his prior belief that he is the absolute peak of the male form. Aside from moments when he would show some sort of discomfort or unfamiliarity, Chris tried his absolute hardest to convince everyone around him (as well as himself) that men are physically superior. That being said, it is easy to believe that Chris doesn't exhibit gender dysphoria at a glance, however his surface level bigotry has historically been hypocritical and shouldn't be taken at face value.
Although Chris did not officially admit to be a transgender person until 2015, there have been many events prior to even the Tomgirl Saga that foreshadowed this inevitable path. Chris' imagining of his daughter Crystal Weston Chandler and the creation of his imaginary sister by the same name may have been some of the first signs of his gender dysphoria. While his daughter has not been personified in any medium Chris has released, she shares his middle and last names, and his sister in the comics bore a striking resemblance to Chris himself at the time of drawing despite only being gender-swapped. In 2008, Chris posted to the Sonichu Girls webforum an introduction to any females that would be on the site. Within the introduction, Chris mentions the distaste of witnessing his own Duck, stating:
|Also, I feel discomfort when shopping for underwear for myself; they do not need models pictured on the package. It grosses me out to see that thing. It's bad enough that I sometimes see my own when I look down (of which I don't feel as much discomfort), but the very sight of others is like kryptonite to me; it makes me feel like throwing up even when the image randomly pops up in my head.|
Earlier in the same introduction post to the webforum, Chris discussed his feminine side and ponders if he was supposed to be female.
|Aside from the understood fact, I feel that I am truly in touch with my feminine side, to the point where I am capable of learning from that to better understand how to treat women in a caring, nurturing, positive way; I've also learned from Red Skelton of how to be a gentleman. Sometimes I wonder between my caring attitude and the lack of a Sweetheart if I was born the wrong gender; I would wonder what life would have been like if I had actually been born a girl. But afterwards, I'd realize that I should still appreciate being born a boy to gentleman; God gave me the package, and I signed for it.|
In 2009 Chris wondered what his life would be like if he was born a woman again within Mailbag 27, stating:
|Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I was born female instead, because of some of my emotional, caring, self-conscious thoughts I had in my lifetime. Then I would later remember that God must have made me all straight male for good reasons.|
Pre Tomgirl Saga
Chris was known to experiment with cross dressing many times before officially declaring himself a lesbian tomgirl and crossdressing regularly. In 2008, the identity of Blanca Weiss asked Chris to take photos of himself wearing his mother's undergarments, to which he happily obliged. Later in 2009, Chris confided in Ivy that he enjoyed wearing women's underwear. In September of that same year during a call with Kacey, he told her that he planned on buying a sports bra to prevent the excessive bouncing of his breasts while jogging. Chris purchased some bras, and immediately loved wearing them, claiming that he enjoyed the feeling of donning them and felt confident. This is an effect of Chris' well known aversion to seeing bare male breasts, including his own. Chris would continue to wear these sports bras from this point onwards, and would eventually move on to wearing everyday bras typically used by most women.
In 2010, Chris would experiment wearing these bras in more open and public places. Chris would be spotted and photographed 18 June 2010 at Fridays After Five flaunting a sports bra with "WANT WOMAN!" written in permanent marker on the front face of the bra.
In 2011, Chris started to get in touch with his more "feminine side." Chris would admit to being more comfortable using the opposite gender's assigned restrooms in public places. Shortly after that same year on 26 March, Chris sent an email to Jackie revealing that he had begun fully crossdressing at the start of the month. Then four days later on 30 March, Chris would change the quote on his PSN to read "I am Tomgirl" marking the beginning of the Tomgirl Saga.
Sometime before 29 April 2001, Chris took several photos of himself dressed in women's clothing, posing in what he believes to be seductive positions. Surfshack Tito leaked these images on that day. Later that year on 16 August, Chris recorded a makeup tutorial video and posted it to YouTube titled Kaka Makeup Basics. Chris created a new fantasy band in the same vain as Christian & the Hedgehog Boys aptly named Robee Sonee and the Tomgirls to show his support for tomboys and tomgirls everywhere and the first and only album that was created was leaked on 12 November 2011. Despite still claiming to be a heterosexual male, Chris began to use women's restrooms more frequently, and confided in Jackie that he fantasized about "fit[ting] in at a lesbian bar" before the Tomgirl Pictures were taken on 26 April 2011.
Chris' parents were very unsupportive of Chris' new lifestyle. Bob called Chris a "fag" and Barbara made many negative remarks to try to persuade Chris from continuing being a tomgirl. On 15 May 2011, Barbara would forcefully cut Chris' hair. In his shock, he called her a bitch. He revealed this to Jackie on 17 May, stating in an email:
|Last Sunday, My mother comes upstairs and yells at me about how She Thinks I'm turning queer from being Tomgirly and Feminine, AND she fears that I would kill her. Hand to God, I would never kill Anyone, including my own mother and father. Violence and Murder is Rarely the answer; murder is Morally Wrong; I care about my mother and father Very Much. And even worse, she threatens to kill me in her episode of emotional rage. She also took my keys. And shortly later, she tells me to come downstairs, so I go; she tells me to sit down, and she does the worse thing that broke the last straw on my camel's back, she Cuts my Long Hair Short and Butchered. After seeing the butchered hair in the mirror, I was soo in shock, I wield the double-edge sword I have been holding in for weeks since a much earlier fit of emotional rage of hers. I called her a Bitch. With her as a bitch, that makes me a son of a bitch, and it hurts me deep too. My hair is soo bad, I have to wear my PaRappa wool hat to cover the whole mess when I go out; I can not be seen in public with this short-hair mess.|
Also in May, Chris would be yelled at by a man when he was caught using a women's restroom, and Chris would be asked my a male customer of Sheetz in June if Chris was gay, to which Chris took much offense. When Bob would pass away later in autumn of that year, he reportedly told Chris that he accepted Chris and loved him for who he is, revealed publicly on page 68 of Sonichu 12.
On 16 December 2013, Chris would send an e-mail correspondence with a troll pretending to be his old classmate Rebeckah Bentley further reinforcing his late onset gender dysphoria, stating:
|I have a personal hatred for 99% of the worldwide population of my own gender. I often even find myself disgusted at my own penis, as well as thinking, "I wish I was born female, with the possibility of being a lesbian", or something like that. I find the males most ugly, offensive, horrendous, crazy, creepy and all that shit.|
While not fully admitting to being transgender at the time, Chris would send another e-mail to Rebeckah Bentley on 23 December, where he stated that if a person were to consider him a "tranny," then one may do so.
|I have no personal offense or beef against Lesbians, Bisexuals or Transgenders. If you consider cross-dressing a tranny act, then I guess you may count me as one there. Seriously, if I could do it more often, I would; my mother hates seeing me in a skirt a LOT, and I have a LOT of stress and emotional devastation as it is. But after consideration, with the gender-change operations, I would never want to date or anything like that with any of those trannys. Anna McLerran, my friend; she is a lesbian.|
Chris' gender dysphoria would become even more evident as the years progressed. Chris would have a vision in July 2014 while meditating about being a lesbian in a former life. On 14 August 2014, Chris posted to Facebook revealing that he is a "Tomgirl, Intersex of Female Soul with Male Body, and a Tranny Cross-Dresser," however he would later clarify that he is actually a lesbian in a male body. Chris would contemplate sexual reassignment surgery, also known as gender affirming surgery, around this time in order to transform himself into a "birth-able" female. However, Chris has not to this day had any type of procedure done to drastically alter his body. It was revealed in September of that year that he often would force his penis to be tucked using a makeshift harness. A fan would reach out to Chris during this time, and ask about his preferred gender and pronouns, and Chris would mention that he is indifferent. In addition, Chris would begin attending the Impulse Gay Social Club around this time as well.
It was not until 2015 when Chris would change his mind regarding his indifference of pronouns, and would begin to call himself a "Lesbian TransWoman" marking the beginning of his transition from tomgirl to a transgender woman.
Post Tomgirl Saga
More Extreme Examples of Dysphoria
According to DSM-5, the symptoms for gender dysphoria are:
- A strong desire to be of a gender other than one's assigned gender
- A strong desire to be treated as a gender other than one's assigned gender
- A significant incongruence between one's experienced or expressed gender and one's sexual characteristics
- A strong desire for the sexual characteristics of a gender other than one's assigned gender
- A strong desire to be rid of one's sexual characteristics due to incongruence with one's experienced or expressed gender
- A strong conviction that one has the typical reactions and feelings of a gender other than one's assigned gender
- Associated with clinically significant distress or impairment
- Chris changed the gender marker on his driver's license to identify him as female in 2016. The procedure to do this in Virginia is to have a professional whose "practice includes the treatment and counseling of persons with gender identity issues" vouch for the person's gender identity on this form. Also mentioned by Chris in a Sonichu #12 page