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So Need a Cute Girl

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Such words were never more true, but if I didn't feel the sadness, lonliness [sic] or torture in my heart from after my first encounter with that Witch Bitch, I might be a fuckin' weak sap, instead of the SALTY, AGGRESSIVE, and TRULY SWEET TO THE LADIES and NOT TO MOST MEN type of MAN that I AM.
 

 

Chris commenting on "So Need a Cute Girl," 11 November 2007 ED edit.[1]

"So Need a Cute Girl" is the first track off of Christian and the Hedgehog Boys, by the titular band. It is sung over a live version of "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys. Chris describes it in an Encyclopedia Dramatica edit as his "sweetheart search theme song."[1] It is arguably his greatest hit, and certainly the Hedgehog Boys song Chris goes back to most often; as well as the performances listed below, impromptu features appear in a number of his videos.

Bizarrely enough, since November 2013 the song has been available for download for 89 cents on Amazon's MP3 store. As Chris has never mentioned (or noticed) this, it is very likely a troll put it up there and is making money off of Chris's work.

Song

So Need a Cute Girl, Audio Only
Stardate August 2003
Subject Matter MusicMusic Music, SexSex Sex, RageRage Virgin with Rage, GalpalsGalpals Love Quest, OtherUnknownIcon.png Noviophobia
Performance Style CrazyCrazy Crazy
Other AudioAudio.png Audio
OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos
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The 24th Wedding Anniversary Special
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So Need a Cute Girl, Music Video

Lyrics

[sung over The Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way"]

Hey! Look at me!
I'm sitting here sad and lonely!

Without a fire,
But a desire
To not hear you say,
"I have a boyfriend!"

And I see da ladies walking
Along one by one,
And I never wanna hear,
"I have a boyfriend!"

Tell me why
I'm stuck as a virgin with rage!
Tell me why
I so need a cute girl my age!
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say,
"I have a boyfriend!"

And I have no fire
But a desire
To not hear you say,
"I have a boyfriend!"

Tell me why
I'm stuck as a virgin with rage!
(Tell me why)
I so need a cute girl my age!
(Tell me why)
I never wanna hear you say,
"I have a boyfriend!"

Why do all of the jerks
Get all of the pretty girls? (Yeah!)
You may not notice,
But I want you to know
That I am a lonesome heart!

And I have no fire,
But a desire
To not, to not, to not
Heeeaaar…

Stuck as a virgin with rage!
So need a cute girl my age!
I never wanna hear you say,
"I have a boyfriend!"

Tell me why
I'm stuck as a virgin with rage!
(Tell me why)
I so need a cute girl my age!
I never wanna hear you say,
"I have a boyfriend!"

Tell me why
I'm stuck as a virgin with rage!
I so need a cute girl my age!
I ain’t never wanna hear you say,
"I have a boyfriend!"

Never say it, now!

* In some versions of the song, "as a virgin with rage" is replaced by the alternative lyric "in a sad, lonely cage."

** In a version of the lyrics posted by Chris in one of his ED edits, these lyrics are changed to "I mean it when I say, 'I NEED A SWEETHEART.'"[1]

Music video

Main article: All I Want For Christmas is a Pretty Girlfriend

Live performance

So Need a Cute Girl, Live Performance
Stardate 12 July 2009
Subject Matter MusicMusic Music, SexSex Sex, RageRage Virgin with Rage, GalpalsGalpals Love Quest, OtherUnknownIcon.png Noviophobia
Performance Style CrazyCrazy Drunk
Shirt The RefereeRefereeshirt.PNG The Referee
Other LiveLive.png Live
OFFICIAL and HONEST CWC Videos
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So Need a Cute Girl, Music Video
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Harvey Birdman Commercial

On 12 July 2009, one of Chris's "friends" uploaded Christian and the Hedgehog Boys giving their first public performance (sans the Hedgehog Boys, though Chris probably imagined they were there in his head), with their song "So Need a Cute Girl." Perhaps in an attempt to come off as less creepy, Chris opts to use the "sad, lonely cage" lyrics instead of the "virgin with rage" one. Although his performance is predictably sleep-inducing, for the most part, Chris's added "flourish" at the very end of the video (in which, in an attempt to evoke Michael Jackson, he slaps his hand on grabs his crotch) makes for an unforgettable couple of seconds.

Transcript

Chris: [fervently slaps crotch at the end] LADIES, ALL HANDS ON ME. [There are no takers, just laughter]

Man: [bewildered] Oh-whoa-WHOOOOA there, buddy!! Whoa-ho, you got that on film!

Covers

So Need a Cute Girl, cover
Stardate 30 June 2009
Made By LiquidLiquid Liquid Chris
Subject Matter So Need a Cute Girl
Video Type Song Cover
Other Info Sonichu: The Animated Series response from the real Chris Chandler.
Main vocals by Liquid's brother, SimplySpoons/Jon D.
TRUE and HONEST Sonichu Fan Videos
So Need a Cute Girl, cover
Stardate 4 January 2012
Made By GUWANGE
Subject Matter So Need a Cute Girl
Video Type Song Cover
Other Info From the album Trollsta's Paradise: A True and Honest Tribute to Christian & The Hedgehog Boys.
TRUE and HONEST Sonichu Fan Videos
So Need a Cute Girl (Medley)
Stardate 11 June 2012
Made By GhostofBillRiley
Subject Matter So Need a Cute Girl
Video Type Song Cover
Other Info A medley of several covers mixed together with the original.
TRUE and HONEST Sonichu Fan Videos

References

  1. 1.0 1.1 1.2 Encyclopedia Dramatica (Wayback Machine), as of 12/23/2009

See also

Animal Crossing Documentary Chris's videos Harvey Birdman Commercial

Christian Weston Chandler...Yep, I'm on TV :)

Regular DVD: Sonic Watch & Win Sweepstakes • "Song of Christian" • Mario Kart 64 Lego RacewayChris Chan in the PokéNewsThe City of Cwicville Tour!Animal Crossing DocumentaryThe 24th Wedding Anniversary Special • "So Need a Cute Girl" • "All I Want For Christmas Is a Pretty Girlfriend" • Harvey Birdman commercialPixelated PS3FUTURE MESSAGEKCWC BroadcastCWC Slideshow NotesSlideshow images
Director's Cut: ChandlerFamilyChristmas2004ChrisAfterChristmas2004