Virginia is for Virgins
| “ | Virginia is for Virgins! | ” |
| Troll, Mumble 9 | ||
"Virginia is for Virgins" (or, as he sometimes misspells it, "Virgina is for Virgins") is a phrase that Chris uses to describe another of his puzzling theories. It is a bastardization of the state department's slogan "Virginia is for Lovers", which is used in ads to promote tourism.
In a fashion typical of a paranoid delusional personality, Chris thinks that every man, woman, and child in Ruckersville, Virginia, is taking part in a massive, Manhattan Project-style cover-up devoted solely to keeping him from getting any china. This idea was formulated after his sign was destroyed by Mary Lee Walsh and Chris was told that he couldn't get a girlfriend by using it.
In a sense, it was not legal for Chris to have sex in both of the known times that Chris has gotten laid. He scored with a hooker and his own mom, which are acts that got him a charge on incest and potentially could have given him charges on prostitution and possibly even rape, though he was never tried for either of these things.
Origins
In Chris's Story of My Current Days, Chris explains how he came to believe that "Virginia is for Virgins":
| So, as of August, Y2K3, I did the most logical, sensible and inexpensive idea I could think of, I made a simple sign that stated, "I am a 21-year old and Single Male Seeking and 18-21-year old SINGLE FEMALE COMPANION", along with a basic description of qualities I felt were best suited, due to the fact that it describe MOST every Boyfriend-Free, 18-21year old Girl. Sadly though, not a single one even gave me a glanced, a momentary pause or even an excuse-making throat clearing to read the sign or give me the time of day. And the few who noticed... That EVIL WITCH OF THE PrivateVilla of Corrupted Citizens, Mary Lee Walsh, a bunch of Non-Blue or Black impersonating JERKOPS, Manajerks and every other (only a few total) son/daughter of a #&*.. MOCKED ME AND EVEN CRUMBLED MY EFFORTS AND THREW THEM INTO MY FACE! IT WAS SERIOUS HEART-SHATTERING INSULTS LIKE THAT WHICH LITERALLY SHATTERED MY HEART TO ALMOST NOTHING AND MURDERED MY SOUL! Like as if I didn't already understand that Love Can't be Hurried; but they ALL left a HUGE IMPRESSION among the general population that having a Sweetheart was ILLEGAL IN VIRGINIA thus, "VIRGINIA IS FOR VIRGINS, NOT LOVERS!" was what I had thought for a long time with the Dark Forces that were forced into me, bedding with my torturing past with the jerks of the Greene County School System during the childhood years of my life. Thank God for blessing me with many happy years at Providence Middle School and Manchester High School in Chesterfield; rounding my feelings and attitude out for today. |
Contradictions
While Chris states that Virginia "is for Virgins" only, people with an actual brain wind up with this question: how is it possible that our autistic hero developed a hatred towards men for "taking all the pretty girls for themselves" in a state where true love is virtually forbidden? If lovers cannot stay together, how come Bob and Barbara married? Does he imply that his parents don't actually love each other?
It is possible that all the couples seen in Virginia are nothing more than holograms created by Mary Lee Walsh to taunt Christian, to eternally make him remember that no woman will ever free him from his sexual frustrations. Either that, or it's just Chris who fails to realize that the problem of him not finding a sweetheart does not lie in the fact that the state where he lives is against romance, but because he's completely fucked up in his mind and is not willing to make any changes to improve himself.
BUT WAIT!
Proof
These links provide irrefutable proof that it is illegal for Chris to ever have sex in Virginia. Read here, and here.
Then again, he doesn't care much for the law, does he?
In a potentially ironic twist, in October/November 2013, Christian/Republican gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli's platform highlights include making oral sex, of any kind, a Class 6 Felony (defined as "currently unclassified, but can be eventually classified into one of the lowest of classes or up to the fullest extent." Examples including violating court orders, or reckless endangerment; the platform is a blatant smokescreen for Cuccinelli's anti-gay stances), punishable with up to 5 years in prison in Virginia, and a $2,500 fine.[1]
A case for state involvement in Chris's sexuality
Chris goes as far as believing that the government of Virginia should be involved in his quest for China. Just like the speech therapy he received at James Madison University, he believes that he and his fellow social retards should receive special "dating education" before receiving any form of sexual education. In his own words, from his Wikipedia entry: "If I had the Dating Education back then, I wouldn't have to had suffered being a frustrated virgin for soo many years".
As if that weren't enough, Chris also believes that the government should pay for him to get laid. In Mailbag #29, Chris argues that virgins should be referred to state-sponsored sex workers so they can lose their virginity. The fee, he reckons, should be set to $10 for an hour of service, including a thirty-minute crash course in sexual intercourse.
See also
References
