Monthly tugboat

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Tugboat.jpg YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK!
The contents of this page have been bought with taxpayer money!
Social Security Administration seal.png


it's a fun story. anyway, you know the expression, "Our ship has come in," well that refers to a HUGE one-time amout of money, which can compare to a Luxury Ship that can easily sink. and a Tugboat is more reliable, because even though it's smaller, it's built tougher, and it's usually better on time in that sense. so, I refer to my monthly income as a Tugboat, whereas I would refer to say winning the Lottery as a Luxary [sic] Ship. Chalk that idea up to a spot of creative thinking. :)
Chris's autistic explanation for his Tugboat
Tugboat, exciting and new
Come aboard. we're expecting you.

The monthly tugboat is Chris's euphemism for his Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) payment, which is deposited into his bank account via direct deposit on or about the 3rd of each month.[1] SSDI is part of a U.S. taxpayer-supported program to support financially those whose physical injures or mental ailments prevent them from performing even minimum-wage work. Chris is known to have belonged to this system since at least 2007, before he was discovered by the Internet. In the Father Call, Chris claims that his disability check is "a stepping-stone in the right direction of [him] moving out." Given Chris's tendency to waste his free money on frivolous junk rather than put it towards anything that might improve his life, he was probably just telling Matt what he thought he wanted to hear.

Contrary to popular belief, Chris's check is not need-based, but is awarded on eligibility alone. Most US Americans have to work a decade to qualify.[2] Chris, on the other hand, has only been employed for six months (three at Wendy's, three in a pyramid scheme). However, Bob earned retirement insurance in his years at General Electric, and Social Security also lets retirees' dependent disabled children get payments, even if they have never worked themselves, so long as they were disabled before turning 22.[3] As long as Chris earns less than $1220 a month,[4] and stays unmarried (to someone real, at least) and out of prison, he will continue to receive his monthly tugboat unimpeded.

In 2010, Chris received $809 each month, with $580 going to his parents for room, board, and to pay toward his credit card debt.[5][6] After his father's death in September 2011, Chris's tugboat increased. As of 2014, Chris was receiving approximately $1300 a month in welfare money, of which Barb claims $900 to pay for her second mortage.[7]

Despite run-ins with the law, particularly the GameStop macing incident, Chris has continued receiving his benefits over the years. However, 2021 may finally change this: due to his arrest for incest, the SSA is likely to terminate Chris's Social Security benefits since according to their rules, benefits are stopped if a recipient is institutionalized for more than 30 continuous days after being convicted of a crime.[8]. And while the SSA does allow ex-prisoners to reapply for their benefits after release, it is unknown how successful Chris will be in recovering his tugboat due to his inherent laziness and general ineptitude when dealing with important matters.

Rationale

What Chris believes a monthly tugboat is. Your tax dollars at work, gentlemen.

Chris's economic logic

Challenged by a correspondent in the Mailbag, Chris claimed that he is not wasting his taxpayer-funded "tugboat", because he is putting that money back into the economy and indirectly paying the tugboats of others. According to Chris's logic, by purchasing useless commercial goods, he is paying sales tax which the government puts directly back into the hands of the needy.[9] This is irrefutably false; sales taxes go towards state and local governments, but SSDI is funded by federal payroll tax (FICA), which Chris has never contributed to for all but a few months of his life.

Another thing to take into consideration is that not all of the money even stays in the U.S. economy. Chris spends quite a bit of his tugboat on imported products. For example, Nintendo and Sony are Japanese corporations, and Chris's beloved Lego is a product of Denmark. These companies do have U.S. bases, and a small amount of R&D occurs stateside. But at the end of the day, most of it occurs overseas, and let's not forget that the majority of Chris's toys, electronics, and other products were most likely made in some factory in China. In short, a good chunk of the tugboat ends up overseas, so if anything, he's supporting the world economy.

Ironically, if Chris bought a HEXBox earlier (instead of boycotting it until 2017), the majority of money spent on it and on many of its games would be put back into the U.S. economy, as Microsoft is headquartered in Redmond, Washington.

Earning potential

On the advice of his dead father, Chris has never looked for a job since leaving Wendy's, supposedly because the tugboat gives him more money overall. However, Bob was totally wrong. Since 2008, the hourly minimum wage in the Commonwealth of Virginia has been $7.25, pursuant to federal minimum wage. If Chris were somehow to do a complete 180° on his life, get off disability, and begin working a full 40-hour week, his monthly income before taxes and rent payment would be approximately $1,260 USD. This would put Chris's annual income range, before tax, at roughly $15,100. Subtracting what he pays his parents to live in filth, as well as the 5% tax his income range mandates in the state of Virginia, Chris could very likely be left with a ridiculous $9,000 in spending money, enough for many more sex toys and video games, in contrast with the $2,748 Chris pulls in annually from the government after paying off his parents. As SSDI payments have been adjusted for inflation over the years, while Virginia's legislation has not, this earning gap has since closed. Despite this, Chris still could have earned $48,600 (or even more, if he were to be promoted or find better work with his new skills) or more over the last decade by working instead of remaining on disability.

Even if this weren't enough, the most cursory research reveals that a SSDI beneficiary could have earned from $700 a month in the year 2000, when Chris was 18, to $1,000 a month in 2010 without losing a cent of SSDI payments. As of 2019, this limit is about as much as Chris would earn working minimum wage part time.[10] Social Security also has voluntary programs that would let Chris try working a real job for up to nine months without upsetting his tugboat in the slightest.[11] At best, Bob's decision to encourage Chris's unemployment came from the reasonable assumption that Chris could never survive in a real-world workplace environment. At worst, it was negligence or blind delusion that let Chris to miss out on over $100,000 in potential bras, faux-china, children's toys, and PS3 accessories covered in Lego through to the end of 2010 and beyond.

Rough calculations and estimations say that if Chris lives into his 80s, given reasonable "cost of living" increases to his tugboat annually, he will receive roughly $1,000,000 over his lifetime from his countrymen. In this day and age, that's chump change and he'd amass a larger fortune if he simply got off his ass and got a career; of course, it's extremely unlikely that he will live anywhere near that long.

References by Chris

Chris does not even understand which program he is on. In many emails[12][13][14][15] and posts[16][17] he mistakenly says that he receives SSI, which is a different welfare program for the poor that has far tighter restrictions and a typically lower payout.

  • The earliest known use of the term "monthly tugboat" was in March 2007 in Chris's first e-mail to his half-brother Cole Smithey. When introducing himself, Chris says, "I'm getting by livin' with my folks and a monthly tugboat". He does not actually explain what a "monthly tugboat" is supposed to be.
  • An e-mail to Megan from August 2007 recounts Chris's purchase of Guitar Hero with his latest tugboat check.
  • During the Miyamoto Saga, Chris claimed he was waiting for his tugboat (in an e-mail to "Miyamoto" himself, no less) to fix technical problems with his website.
  • In Mumble #1, Chris mentions that he'll have to wait for his next tugboat to buy some new content for Ape Escape on the PSP.
  • In BlueSpike PSN Chat #4, Chris tells Julie that he can't make it to Ohio until his next tugboat comes in.
  • Since late 2009, Chris seemed to have mostly given up the term "tugboat", possibly because of its extensive adoption by trolls in the Mumble chats, the Mailbag, and elsewhere. In the Father Call, he refers to it as his "monthly income", while in the Jackie e-mails he simply says he's on Social Security, although he did refer to it once as a "tugboat" in Mailbag #34.
  • The BlueSpike Skype logs, quoted at the top of the page shine a light on the origin of the term.
  • In one of the Jackie chat logs, he wrote about the reason he deserves the welfare:

[7:47 pm] CWC: Originally, I was given that blessing through my father, on one theory of me NOT being able to do the basics of a job, which I have told you I disagree with fully.
[7:48 pm] CWC: Yesterday, I have actually asked God the question, because all I was coming up with was having deserved it from my trials and tribulations in my life.
[7:48 pm] CWC: God responded...
[7:48 pm] CWC: He told me that he blessed me because he saw me as one of the appreciative and less richer people, so he gave me that blessing through the approval.
[7:49 pm] Jacklyn Romy: ???
[7:49 pm] CWC: And I also asked him about the Job situation; why have I not been able to get a job then?
[7:49 pm] Jacklyn Romy: that doesnt make sense
[7:49 pm] Jacklyn Romy: why would God approve you to rip off the government when there are people starving and dying on the streets who genuinely need help
[7:50 pm] CWC: he told me that he felt I was not ready to tackle a job yet, but he will bless me with a job when he sees fit.
[7:50 pm] CWC: I don't know.
[7:50 pm] Jacklyn Romy: thats not my understanding of how God works

i mean, are you sure you heard him correctly? no one I know has EVER heard God tell them "hey, just sit back and do nothing, i'll hand you a job and money so you can just play games all day"
Jackie, destroying Chris with sound logic.


References

See also


The CWC-tionary

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Himself: Biological clock | Butt garments | Captain's Log | Christian Love Day | DIRTY, CRAPPED BRIEFS | Fuzzy-Wuzzies & Prickly-Wicklies | Honest Content | I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD | Monthly tugboat | Muscle bra | Random-access humor | Saga | Scale of Respect | Tomgirl |

Stressors: 4-cent_garbage | GOPony | HEXBox | JERKS | Jerkops | Kick the Autistic | Laughs Under Lucricities | Manajerks | Naïve | Niggos | Pmurt | Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens | Slow-in-the-minds | Tobacky

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Comics: Anchuent Prophecy | Da Update | Electric Hedgehog Pokemon | Nombie-zazis| Parody | Rosechu | Sonichu | Sub-Episodes | Sweetbolt


See also: Chris and English | List of phrases Chris copied from media